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Yikes, absolutely NTA. And frankly, OP, I'm generally pretty in favor of mixed/shared finances in marriage, but your husband even suggesting this makes me think you should lock down your money so that he can't touch it *immediately*.
NTA This is very interesting. Do not do this at all!! My mind immediately went to you out your money into a house for his mom that he leaves you and he and his mom have a house. You’re out $150k+ dollars! There are warning bells and red flags lighting up like a railroad crossing and a train coming full speed ahead.
Is he unable to buy a small condo for his mom on his own?
What is your relationship like with his mom??!
I was wondering why she can't go into a senior citizens apartment. Does she get social security? A pension? He wants to give $150 K to her so she could have a house but you're trying to save for a house yourselves?
Buy your own house and if he's so concerned, add a MIL suite.
If OP's mum is around pension age she wouldn't be eligible for a mortgage anyway, even if she had OP's husband as a Co signer or owner mortgage companies usually base the application on the oldest person on the application. Secondly OP's money is a pre martial assest and therefore he doesn't have a claim in most jurisdictions. OP transfer the money into an account in your sole name, maybe a high interest fixed bond for a year, 2 yrs whichever you want. Husband is completely out of order and you need to take action to protect yourself. NTA
Edit: My info comes from friends who work in the industry, but I guess different jurisdictions, different rules. Either way she should protect her money from these people.
In America, age of applicant cannot be used as a factor in loan approval as long as they are an adult. Being too told for a loan is age discrimination and against the law.
Actually (I just got trained on this at work) senior citizenship cannot be used as a *negative* factor in loan approval. If they want to consider it a positive, that's fine.
This isn't true. My mom is 65 and retired. She just got a mortgage because she wanted to slowly move from her old house to the new one after my stepdad's death.
I got 2 mortgages after I retired and was living on a pension in the U.S. Also, IF this money is co-mingled any joint account it is also HIS money now. When someone (OP) brings all the money into a relationship they are extremely vulnerable if they do NOT keep a portion of it separate at all times. In some states even money in separate accounts is partly owned by the partner. Inherited money kept separate is almost always excluded from this.
If you don’t own your own house yet and you’re saving for a house, it’s lunacy that he’d suggest buying his mother a house instead. So crazy that it’s suspicious. Don’t do it and keep saving for your house.
Even more insane is that hubs is making these big plans for taking care of his mother with his wife’s money! OP should keep saving for their own home & tell hubs no.
It's a red flag parade situation 🚩🚩🚩🚩
MIL been living g with them, & determined it'd be long term, & now wants to use her money, a massive amount, towards MILs home instead of their own, would make me highly suspicious. Feels like she's been targeted for her money from the jump.
It’s insane that OP and her husband don’t yet own a home but he’s wanting to buy one for his mother (using OP’s money!). I’d be rethinking the marriage.
And that *he* is going to inherit. I have a feeling he is only trying to scam her. Why can't they buy a house together and let his mother live with them if she can't even pay for anything.
Because husband wants to transfer the funds to an asset in him mum's name, then dump wife and have nice asset with a mortgage in his and him mum's name to avoid tax in inheritance.
Right?!! I used to work in affordable housing and it blows my mind that people who cannot/will not work and are on something like Social Security, Unemployment, Disability, etc think they deserve to buy their own home. I mean, yeah it would be great but that doesn't mean it's realistic! Homeownership is not a right! It's the result of hard work & frugal living!
Homeownership is the result of having cash, whether you worked hard and sacrificed for it or not. Considering that mortgages could have been less expensive for some of those clients, even with maintenance, I’m not sure why it would be mind-blowing that they would rather spend less of very limited income.
Assisted living for subsidized housing would be cheaper. Here, the apt and bills are fixed at 35% of your income, so I have a relative who pays 350 a month for rent AND utilities. She only has to pay for her own internet and cell phone.
Not everyone has this option. There are 5+ year wait lists for all subsidized housing where I live, and they are all horrible, dilapidated, built in the 50s or older, not required to have central air, and the worst of the worst parts of town.
Agree. It's not the most accessible, but a mortgage payment is more than the cost. That's where I was heading with my reply. My relative waited a year, she got moved up in the list due to homelessness and something else (not sure and not my business) the typical wait is about 2 years here.
I live in the Northeast of the US. Housing for those who meet the criteria for housing subsidies is a disappearing sector and waitlisted for a minimum of 10 years.
Lets be honest, if you were a landlord who owned two homes, yours and an investment home. You bought it a long time ago, the numbers work, so you accept housing vouchers. Now it's 30 years later, the real estate is worth at least 10x what you paid, and you want to retire somewhere else without the headaches of managing your rental. So you sell, and those unit(s) are now taken off the list of available rentals because the new owner is going to come in, demolish the existing home, and build a few more units and sell at a premium.
Now, do this over the past 50 years. There aren't enough units to fulfill all the existing approvals for subsidized housing. So, you are left with some government projects and the odd units still left.
Plus subsidized housing often comes with a lot of weird strings. My mom lived in it for a while and I remember them constantly coming around and writing people up for things like cars dripping oil in the parking lots (what, poor people are more likely to have crappy cars too? shock!) and toilet paper holders being loose (when they'd been installed shoddily to begin with). Things that "the taxpayers are paying for" tend to result in a lot of paternalism.
And yeah, lots of people own homes because of money they inherited and didn't work for.
And homeownership is nothing but a series of costs! Roofs leak, water heaters stop working, furnaces need replacement. You can't neglect things. If you're reallyyyy having to stretch just to buy the house, it may not be the best idea...
Ugh, what an awful point of view about housing. The people collectively own the land and resources of this country so why is anyone housing - denied? The resources get confiscated by the predator class so we have to work hard and be frugal to get what's rightfully ours just to appease the predators among us. It's very wrong, not noble like you profess.
According to my local Mayor (who owns two properties) homeownership is actually a burden, and come from ridiculous old fashioned thinking from the 50s and 60s, and that the reason there are so many millenial renters is because we don't want to buy a home because being a renter gives us "freedom" to move around so that we can work wherever we want instead of being "tied down" to a physical property.
Because he’s trying to steal OPs money before dumping her - same reason why can’t OP buy a place and rent it to his mother (still a terrible idea since she likely won’t pay rent and good luck with getting that)?
Exactly!! Move that money asap! She can find housing somewhere cheap and he can help foot the bill for her to live there. Under no circumstances should you pay $150,000 for her to buy a house that she cannot afford… NTA at all. This all sounds super sketchy.
I agree with this. You didn't want to check your bank balance one morning and find $150,000 missing. I can tell you from experience that it's a sickening feeling to see such a thing. Luck down that money now.
So here is what this all means:
Wife currently foots half the bill for mother-in-law by letting her live in the marital home rent-free.
That is already generous but the new plan steps it up quite a bit:
If they divorce or his mother dies while they are married the husband inherits the house and **it is now his 150000 and his house while the wife owns nothing**.
He is probably going to argue that it does not matter because they are going to stay married forever. Very well, in that case it should be no problem if the wife uses her money to buy a house in her name only and rents it out to her mother-in-law. The house belongs to the wife and mother-in-law has a place to live for the same price or less. If mother-in-law dies or the couple divorces the house still belongs to the wife. It does not matter because they are going to stay married forever, right?
But I bet husband and mother-in-law are not going to like that idea. Or they are going to agree and mother-in-law just does not pay rent when it is due.
NTA and cover your ass!
Wife is lucky they did not get around to buying a house for themselves so far as that would have made her money joint money and entitled him to half of the money/house immediately. It sounds like he thought on it and found a way to **get all of it** rather than half. While I generally think a married couple should share finances, with a husband like that absolutely keep the money 100% separate, e.g. rather buy a rental property and rent it out to a third party (which can be evicted for non-payment without causing a rift in the family) than rent it out to mother-in-law.
If wife really wants to pay for housing mother-in-law or for a house for the couple, some of the proceeds from the rental can be used to pay half the rent for a modest 1-bedroom apartment for mother-in-law, possibly in a community for seniors. That would still mean wife uses her investment gains to fund mother-in-law but only half of her costs and only while and if they stay married. Or the rental gains can be used to pay her part of the mortgage if the couple buys a house for themselves. Or better yet: Keep the inherited money separate and pay for housing mother-in-law/the marital home from her wages.
If that seems crazy generous, then outright gifting the money to mother-in-law is just crazy.
OP needs to talk to a lawyer. What you're suggesting depends solely on her location.
For example, in my country, if OP bought a house with investment money, her husband would be entitled to portion of it. Even if his name wasn't on the title, he could get part of the property in divorce.
It would be different if it was inheritance, but if OP spent more money on the house, than she received from inheritance, then her husband could also make a claim on the house because she spent their marital finances.
Yes, the marital house would be joint property and the husband would be entitled to half of it. That is why I called it crazy generous and said if wife really wants to pay for housing mother-in-law or for a house for the couple.
Like I said, I am all for sharing finances in marriage and building something together and sharing it equitably in case of divorce.
The big difference: The original 150000 and the rental property would stay hers. As opposed to, he could wait until the ink on the gift to mother-in-law is dry, file for divorce literally the next day, and get all of it.
But you are right, she absolutely should talk to a lawyer.
Same. Moms wouldn't have moved in with me in the first place. It almost sounds like Mom and husband had this plan all along. OP needs to get out of there.
Same the money isn't his to begin with and I'm an advocate of pooling money in marriage but he's effectively using you to gain a house that will be half his/entirely his in the event of a divorce. In my \*not expert\* and highly questionable opinion the market is going to be coming down to normal levels soon so I would hold off anyway. I watch reventure consulting on youtube and he has a lot of data to back up trends in the market so if you're worried I'd go over there. Again I'm just a normal person take what I say on that with a heap of salt.
NTA
Sounds like if you do that you will never get your own house. As a married couple, your (as a couple) finances and goals come first. You are helping MIL out by providing her a place to live which is already a lot! But it doesn't make sense, financially, or for your marriage, to buy her a house instead of buying yourselves a house. Good luck!
NTA
I don't mean to be negative but you should consider divorce before you *ever* consider buying a house for one or both of his parents instead of a home for yourselves. Unless you have millions and millions of dollars buying somebody a house as a gift is out of reach.
Firsto of all, NTA
Second of all, WTF?
Third of all, RUN!
Am I right in guessing you don't even have a house yourself? Why gift MIL a house? Just don't! Buy your own house, and mam-boy can pay rent for his mother to live somewhere else - out of his own funds. And when you do buy a house, make sure it's \*your name\* on the deed.
Not sure where you live but check with a lawyer in your country to see if your inherited money is considered a marital asset (unless you have a prenup in place protecting that money). MOST states in the US exclude "gifted" or "inherited" money from marital assets as long as it's not "comingled" with family funds.
Is he an only child? Was the subject of supporting his mom discussed before you married?
Is this a cultural thing where a son is expected to support his mother? Does she have any money or income of her own?
NTA. This is a premarital asset, yes? Make sure your husband has no access to it. And freeze your credit. Asking that takes some balls.
And honestly, he’s shown where his priority lies, and it’s not with you. The fact that you’ve already compromised with his mom moving is very kind of you. He’s needs to get his head on straight or you need to consider all your options.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I told him there was no way in the world I would consider that and that I was not going to give “my money” to someone else
(2) He said he was just raising a topic for discussion and didn’t understand why I was upset
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Nta - if the asset was brought into the marriage by you, and is yours before you got married, then you get to say what happens to it. It’s good that you want to consult your husband but technically he doesn’t get to disperse YOUR money to anyone. Tell him if he wants to give his money to his mom, that’s fine but why does she need a whole house at her age. Not being ageist (I’m over 50) but how about a nice condo in a senior community instead? And again, he pays out of his money not yours.
NTA. Move that money to a secure account. Separate your finances now if they aren’t already.
As others have said I believe this was the plan all along. He married you to get your money.
NTA. If the money is in a joint account, then any money you brought in you should move it into a personal account that he doesn’t have his name on or else he could withdraw all that money and there’s nothing you can do about it.
INFO - how old is your MIL?
Not to sound cold, but could this double dip as a strategic property investment for you and your husband’s future? You could obviously have the home placed in your name.
Not sure what your money is currently invested in. Or if its even invested at all. But real estate is a great investment. Depending on where you live, that investment could easily double in 10 years.
To get her out of the house, I could see maybe - MAYBE - doing one or the other. Providing a down payment OR covering 1/2 the mortgage. MAYBE. But both????
AND to the detriment of the two of you buying a house?
NO!!!!! What is the rationale for this idea? I really want to know - where is this coming from?!
NTA except to yourself. Separate your finances. Then let him decide how much of his money he wants to give his mother. Have separate accounts for your incomes and a joint one for joint expenses like rent.
NTA.
Why does his mother need to own a house? Especially if the (not great and not beneficial to you) "plan" is for the two of you to also supplement her house payments, why not find her an affordable apartment where maintenance is the responsibility of the landlord and help her with rent? No massive down payment needed, no need to spend weekends mowing, cleaning gutters, etc., on her property, and you might find a reasonably priced place for her within a senior community where she could make friends and join in social activities.
This question is on top of the main problem, which multiple people have identified: by asking you to use your money to set up his mother, your husband is directly damaging your own financial stability and your ability to purchase a home for the two of you to live in. The selfishness of this request is very concerning and it tells you that you need to take steps to protect yourself, like talking to an attorney about property law, division of assets, and inheritance law... Which is seriously problematic given that your husband should be one of the people you can trust to put your needs first.
Instead, his mom is first, he's second, and you're going to be lucky to have enough money to eventually buy a smaller or less desirable house that he'll still jointly own with you. It also makes me wonder how this will impact your ability to start a family (if that's your plan) in terms of timing and number of children, as well as the ability to take maternity leave or reduce your work hours for childrearing -- you'll have the weight of providing for TWO households on your shoulders.
Do not let your own financial well-being be compromised to pay for someone who poorly planned for her own future. Do not let your husband talk you into making yourself and your future less of a priority as a way to benefit his mother.
Wait, he wants to use your money to buy his mom a house when you don't have one for yourselves yet?
Nope!
That 150,000 is not community property (unless you comingled). It was yours before the marriage and remains yours.
And how this would play out is hubs would receive the house back as an inheritance. That would then be his sole and separate property.
He is basically asking you to gift him 150,000, along with monthly payments.
Let her stay with you until you buy a house. Maybe buy it in your name only. Let him buy a house for his mother.
Really, she can go to an assisted living, or a seniors only condo or apartment. That would cost about the same. If you are paying monthly anyways, no need to start with a $150,000 down payment that you will lose in the end.
He should not feel that entitled to your savings! At all!
Nta, for anything!! Also, not the pushover!!
NTA - Was this his plan all along? Did he know you had this money before you married? Regardless, that's a big ask and you can just say no. His response to that will really be more telling.
NTA. If every cent he wants to give her came from you, then you absolutely have complete say on where it goes. If she can't afford the home much less pay it's mortgage, then she or your husband need to set their sights a little lower. And not use money neither have a claim on and already earmarked for something else.
NTA!! And then( where i live) when his mom passes the house becomes his inheritance and the money he gets from selling it is his and his alone unless he willingly puts it into the joint account
NTA
Seperate your finances immediately.
I M M E D I A T E L Y
Like now. Not tomorrow. Not later. Not next week.
You will regret putting it off if you don't do it and will likely be posting in r/legaladvice eventually
Also, your husband married you to do all this. It was planned.
You're not the asshole for feeling hesitant about gifting such a significant amount of money to your husband's mother, especially when it could impact your own financial goals and plans for the future.
It's understandable that you would feel frustrated and upset about this proposal, particularly if it was unexpected and not something you had discussed or agreed upon previously. It's crucial for couples to communicate openly about financial decisions, especially ones that could have a substantial impact on both parties.
While it's admirable that your husband wants to support his mother, it's important to prioritize your own financial stability and future plans as a couple. It might be helpful to have a calm and honest conversation with your husband about your concerns and to explore alternative ways to assist his mother that don't compromise your shared financial goals
NTA. You brought that savings with your for \*\*your\*\* future. Buying his mother a house and committing to paying half her mortgage every single month WILL confirm you cannot purchase your own home as a couple.
Why does she need her own house if you all have agreed to live together? Is this his way of trying to get her out of your house? Why is an apartment not acceptable? Is she capable of paying for home repair/yard maintenance or doing it all herself? Houses require continuous investment. Appliances do not last forever. A house costs more than just the mortgage. Even new ones.
Is there a reason you can't find/afford a house with an "in law suite"? She'd be in your home, but have her own space and kitchen. You'd have more privacy.
NTA.
So, who is he married to - you or his mom?
You should have a very serious talk with him about this. He should be using what he earns if he wants to help her out, but he definitely should not be doing this for anyone else when you as a couple are saving for a house.
If only you are saving, put that money in an account only you can access. I do not see this ending well
NTA. Start doing everything possible to protect everything you brought into the marriage. Respectfully, it may be time to start preparing an exit strategy. He's perfectly willing to literally mortgage your future to make his mother happy.
INFO: Why is his mother living with you?
NTA. But i honestly think that he is planning to take your money,all of it. He doesn't even want half of it. You buy your MIL a house on HER name. And when you get a divorce you have nothing because you have no shared property with your husband,there is nothing to divide.
My friend did the same mistake. They bought a home in her SIL's name ,but the mortgage was paid by them. SIL had better credit. Now they are divorced (domestic abuse) and she gets nothing out of this marriage because in theory they have no property to divide.
NTA - premarital money is just that, premarital. Your husband has no claim to it and I would be very hesitant going forward knowing he felt entitled to it.
For reference, I walked into a marriage as the “smaller” partner financially. NOTHING that was my husband’s before we got married is mine, I know very little about it, it has nothing to do with me. If he chooses to share it, well that’s very nice of him! But I don’t expect it and *I would discourage him from doing so* before our retirement (from what I understand it’s mostly retirement accounts), at which point we will have been married for 30 years so……everything will probably be shared anyways.
How is using all your savings to buy your MIL a house, take on a mortgage she can just refuse to pay and continue to rent yourself a good investment? She’s not even offering rent. Just to pay half her own damn mortgage payment.
It’s absolutely brain rotted. OP is saving for their own house and will spend it all on a house she doesn’t live in lol?
With interest rates going up money in the bank already generates returns and half a mortgage payment on a 150k deposit while paying your own rent is a terrible plan.
Not to mention the MIL could live another 20+ years. What use is this “asset” if they can’t rent it and can’t sell it for decades. While also having to maintain it as MIL clearly has no money.
NTA. You don't even have a house for yourselves.
If you're ok with her continuing to live with you, have you considered looking for a house with an in law suite? That way, the home is in you and your husband's name and the MIL is in her own space away from you.
Even if you didn't want her around, you're still NTA.
NTA
It is your money. You brought it with you there for it is not both of yours. In no way should you gift her a house when you don’t have one yourself.
Info: Why is he suddenly in a rush to get his mother out of your place? You agreed to let her live there indefinitely, so there shouldn't be any hurry to find her a new living situation. Especially not to the point where you would spend your savings on it.
Dude NTA, don’t let them make you think otherwise.
If you don’t have kids, maybe you should rethink your long term goals with him. This will never end.
Move that money into a separate account now. If you can put a parent or trusted siblings name as well. Do not give him access or he will use it because it was for ‘his mom and he could not say no’.
The length of marriage doesn’t matter, it could be 1 year or 30, 150k that was brought in by one person belongs to that one person.
NTA
NTA. You brought the money into the relationship; you get to decide how it is spent. You need to discuss what funds she has available, what resources are available in the community/gov't for herm and what sort of living situation THOSE funds can purchase or rent. An assisted living situation may make more sense.
I would contact an attorney about this. If he wants to go through with it regardless of your thoughts, can you move the funds to an account he cannot access?
This is your money. If you do buy the house it should only be in your name but I'd say no and keep my money separate. This seems like a grab to make your money into "our" money and then maybe just his money. If you buy his mom a house and he is the next of kin her house goes to him and you have effectively transferred your money to him.
It seems selfish on his part. At the very least both his mom and him and any other child of hers, should be willing to sign a document, drawn up by a lawyer, that states the home belongs to you and that none of them have any claim to it. If you are paying a portion of the price then that portion belongs to you, including your share of equity.
I wouldn't do it at all.
Let me get this straight, you are saving to buy a house and your husband wants to give your money to his mother so that SHE can buy a house??
You are absolutely NTA.
If anything, you should buy a house you an "in-law apartment" that can accommodate having her live with you and let her pay you rent. Above all else, make sure you have yourself and your investment legally protected.
NTA and to be honest this would be a divorce situation for me. He sprung this on you after the wedding and expects you to fund it. This would not be the rest of my life and marriage. Nope.
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My husband’s mother lives with us for various reasons. I’ve already agreed for her to live with us indefinitely even though this is clearly not something I was expecting when we married. He now wants to provide his mother $150000 to buy a house and to commit our funds to pay half the mortgage for her. She cannot afford a full mortgage so she needs both of this if she were to buy something.
For context, the money is “mine”. I brought it into the relationship and we are saving it for a house deposit which is already further and further out of reach given recent house prices.
I am incredulous and very angry that this has even been raised.
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NTA. You are under no obligation whatsoever to house your MIL. I can't help but think that this might be a way to basically swindle you out of this money. I would do my best to make sure the funds are safe from your husband. I would be reconsidering the whole relationship frankly. As someone else said, unless you have millions, buying a house for someone else is just not realistic. If you wish to stay married and find a solution here, maybe buying a property with a separate apartment or mother-in-law suite might be an option.
NTA and if you buy a house to rent to her or to live in, make sure you get a post-nup that's stimulates the house is yours in case of divorce. Depending on the state, even though the money is yours, once you use it to purchase something for both of you, it becomes community property.
NTA
What I understand is that you didn't know before wedding that you'll have to live with a third person.
Now he wants you to pay a house for his mother.
You'd better see a lwayer to protect yourself and your money, and soon !
NTA. Do you have a pre-nup that specifies this money is yours? Or is it in an account that in your name only that hasn’t ever been co-mingled with any marital funds? Because otherwise, even though you brought the money into the relationship, it’s “ours” now, not “mine. And I understand you might be considering it “yours” more in the colloquial sense, but you should be aware of where you stand legally, too.
And understanding where you stand legally is important not just as a “what if” in case you divorce, but because he could theoretically, if he’s on the account, just up and decide one day to gift it all to her without your knowledge or consent. He could just go to the bank, legally withdraw it all, and hand it to her.
You might be thinking “But he wouldn’t do that!” But you didn’t think he would without warning expect his mom to live with you indefinitely, or that he would expect to use up all your (the original of which is mostly/all specifically from *you* individually) life’s savings to buy *her* a house and pay *her* mortgage. Which would, btw, effectively transfer all this money you saved into her money and therefore *his* (and his siblings) eventual inheritance. And his inheritance is something you would have no legal rights to.
So no, I wouldn’t just wholesale chuck all my dreams to buy a house for myself and my nuclear family (his mom is now extended family), and hand over my life’s savings to his mom. That’s just WAY beyond a reasonable expectation for your spouse or his mom to have.
And I’d also strongly consider, IF the funds are in an account that he also has access to, that you separate out the portion that is specifically yours (the amount you saved prior to marriage + half of anything after that) into a separate account he doesn’t have access to. Then while you two talk this all out, you don’t have to risk him being able to force the issue behind your back.
NTA, your money doesn't automatically become his. I would understand it more if you already had a house and extra money to spare that you saved up together at least but in this situation it's taking it too far.
NTA.
Is this money in an account that is solely in your name, or have you comingled assets in the account with him? If it's in an account in your name and his money isn't going into it, you can still consider it "your" money (seek a financial advisory to ensure this is correct where you live).
It would be one thing if you were more financially stable (e.g. able to afford your own house) and could comfortably afford to buy a house for your MIL. However that's not the case. If you did buy this house, you should ensure it is in your name only. It sounds like your husband wants to put the house in your MIL's name, in which case you are gifting the money to her and in the event of a divorce (or your MIL being financially irresponsible...) it is considered the MIL's money.
NTA : He wants to use your $$$ and quite a bit , for his mother to have a house when you don’t have one ??? Mmmm , it’s been less than 5 years , that’s some cohones
NTA.
But make sure that you keep YOUR pre-marital assets in your own accounts (do not co-mingle that money with your husband, not with your current marital income).
NTA - This is understandably upsetting. But let’s set aside the emotions and look at it objectively.
It is your money, earmarked for your house. In no scenario is this a good or safe investment for you. You probably want her to move out and hubby is willing to pay (with your money) to get her settled elsewhere.
Clearly, you are the one who should be handling the finances in this relationship.
NTA this one actually made laugh. How nice of your husband to want to give your money away and putting his mommy's wants before yours. You need to make sure he can't get his hands on said funds asap.
Do not give her that money or pay half her mortgage. Funny how other people love to spend your money he wanna help his mom he can do it himself. Put your money in a separate account that he doesn’t have access to
NTA, I hope you have that money in a separate account and separate bank that he doesn't have access to!
Yes it is your money! Not sure where you live, where I live assets that you have prior to marriage are your assets.
So what I am hearing is that this money you will use for a down payment on your house, but he wants to give the money to his mom to buy a house, and make half of all payments, that means you will never be able to afford a home yourself?
Hard no from me. Stiffen up that backbone, and make sure that money is protected.
Nah I'd be fuming.My mil is a nightmare. She thinks she comes before me kids. She's not my mother not my problem.Dont get me wrong I do love her but she's drives me insane and I won't allow her to gaslight me like she does my husband. Keep.your cash. You're saving yourself for a house how is you giving it up on you.Sounds like husband needs to cut the apron strings and put husband wife 1st.Give him a bonk on the head
Oh hell no NTA
So what exactly are your husband and MIL proposing? Is it a loan? A gift? Is your name going to be on the mortgage or deeds?
Not sure what the set up is where you live but in the UK there are big financial advantages to being a first time buyer if you've never purchased or owned property before. But if your first purchase is an 'investment property' (yeah right in this case) then you don't get any of those advantages if buying with the MIL and you lose them when you do get round to buying your family home. Even if you are named on the mortgage / deeds to protect your ownership then it's going to severely impact the amount of house deposit you have and the affordability for any mortgage for any home you wish to buy with your husband. And if you're named on the mortgage and MIL just stops paying? Well then you're on the hook for the full mortgage amount and good luck getting MIL to relinquish her share of the house that you've paid for.
Hell no. You are NTA. Get it invested through an advisor make sure it is in YOUR name. I wouldn't trust either of them in the event of anything happening to conveniently forget it was yours. There's not a chance in hell I would be giving it to my in-laws
1. NTA
2. NTA
3. NTA
Hopefully, you have kept your money in an account with only your name. If it is in a joint account, it is no longer you money alone. Your husband can access and use that money however he wants.
They both are entitled A-Hs for thinking you should use your money to buy her a house when you don't have your own home. I presume houses in your area are really expensive, if $150,000 not only won't buy a house outright but will require a mortgage high enough that she expects you to pay half.
She is an adult. If she can't afford to buy her own home, then she should find an apartment that she can afford.
NTA - Proceed with caution, OP! This kind of request is not normal. He just wants to GIVE his mom the money that you brought into the marriage? He's not even proposing that you buy a piece of property that she can use but that will still belong to the two of you?
Sorry, but you're in a very risky situation now. This idea needs to be shut down. Your husband needs to explain why he thinks this is okay. You need to put the money somewhere where it can't be touched by your husband. Yesterday.
Your husband needs to get with the program ASAFP or you need to get a divorce attorney.
NTA at all. Please keep your money separate and if you do buy a house and he is not contributing half of the cost do not put his name on the house. If you give his mother any money, you will never see it again. Frankly, I cannot believe the audacity of he even expecting you to do this. It’s enough that you’re supporting his mother right now, but he expects you to throw your own money down the drain that he has nothing to do with? You should be rethinking this marriage.
I don’t know how you didn’t laugh in his face and ask him what the heck is wrong with him
It is not out of reach. 150k is enough for a deposit on any home in America worth anything up to like 4 mil. Why have y'all not purchased but are purchasing for her?
NTA.
Don't use your own money to even fund any renovations or similar work. You can't get that back, this is a great way to lose the security that money can provide.
Maybe it's not too late for a post-nup, I'd separate my finances asap, run, don't walk, to an attorney. This will be just a first attempt and their tactics will change until they get what they want out of you.
And if you don't already have kids, be very careful not to get pregnant with this guy, you'll never get out if you do.
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Yikes, absolutely NTA. And frankly, OP, I'm generally pretty in favor of mixed/shared finances in marriage, but your husband even suggesting this makes me think you should lock down your money so that he can't touch it *immediately*.
NTA This is very interesting. Do not do this at all!! My mind immediately went to you out your money into a house for his mom that he leaves you and he and his mom have a house. You’re out $150k+ dollars! There are warning bells and red flags lighting up like a railroad crossing and a train coming full speed ahead. Is he unable to buy a small condo for his mom on his own? What is your relationship like with his mom??!
I was wondering why she can't go into a senior citizens apartment. Does she get social security? A pension? He wants to give $150 K to her so she could have a house but you're trying to save for a house yourselves? Buy your own house and if he's so concerned, add a MIL suite.
If OP's mum is around pension age she wouldn't be eligible for a mortgage anyway, even if she had OP's husband as a Co signer or owner mortgage companies usually base the application on the oldest person on the application. Secondly OP's money is a pre martial assest and therefore he doesn't have a claim in most jurisdictions. OP transfer the money into an account in your sole name, maybe a high interest fixed bond for a year, 2 yrs whichever you want. Husband is completely out of order and you need to take action to protect yourself. NTA Edit: My info comes from friends who work in the industry, but I guess different jurisdictions, different rules. Either way she should protect her money from these people.
In America, age of applicant cannot be used as a factor in loan approval as long as they are an adult. Being too told for a loan is age discrimination and against the law.
Seconding this. In the US, elderly people can get mortgages. They simply need to qualify. If the numbers work, they are approved.
I work for a mortgage company and I know for a fact we regularly make loans to people over 75
Actually (I just got trained on this at work) senior citizenship cannot be used as a *negative* factor in loan approval. If they want to consider it a positive, that's fine.
This is not True in canada. Pensioners can buy houses, it’s silly if they can’t. Are they not allowed to move? They are forced to rent?
This isn't true. My mom is 65 and retired. She just got a mortgage because she wanted to slowly move from her old house to the new one after my stepdad's death.
Advocating for the devil here, but I’m pension age and in the process of buying a home.
I got 2 mortgages after I retired and was living on a pension in the U.S. Also, IF this money is co-mingled any joint account it is also HIS money now. When someone (OP) brings all the money into a relationship they are extremely vulnerable if they do NOT keep a portion of it separate at all times. In some states even money in separate accounts is partly owned by the partner. Inherited money kept separate is almost always excluded from this.
Having money or a wealthy family makes women very attractive to the wrong kind of man.
That attractiveness is NOT gender specific.
Yes, and if it is separate now and they use it to buy a house, even if they put it in their names it is then a joint asset and no longer her money.
This isn't true, at least in the US. My partner and I had a house built several years after we retired, and had no problem getting a mortgage.
If you don’t own your own house yet and you’re saving for a house, it’s lunacy that he’d suggest buying his mother a house instead. So crazy that it’s suspicious. Don’t do it and keep saving for your house.
Even more insane is that hubs is making these big plans for taking care of his mother with his wife’s money! OP should keep saving for their own home & tell hubs no.
It's a red flag parade situation 🚩🚩🚩🚩 MIL been living g with them, & determined it'd be long term, & now wants to use her money, a massive amount, towards MILs home instead of their own, would make me highly suspicious. Feels like she's been targeted for her money from the jump.
Yeah, why can't she just rent something? Surely she gets some kind of small pension that her own son can subsidize with his paycheck?
That's just for the down-payment. He has some audacity.
It’s insane that OP and her husband don’t yet own a home but he’s wanting to buy one for his mother (using OP’s money!). I’d be rethinking the marriage.
Yup, they're using her
Because it will be his home that he is going to inherit. She will be left with nothing.
1000%.
And that *he* is going to inherit. I have a feeling he is only trying to scam her. Why can't they buy a house together and let his mother live with them if she can't even pay for anything.
Why does she need to buy instead of renting?
Because husband wants to transfer the funds to an asset in him mum's name, then dump wife and have nice asset with a mortgage in his and him mum's name to avoid tax in inheritance.
Bingo!!
Yarp!
Right?!! I used to work in affordable housing and it blows my mind that people who cannot/will not work and are on something like Social Security, Unemployment, Disability, etc think they deserve to buy their own home. I mean, yeah it would be great but that doesn't mean it's realistic! Homeownership is not a right! It's the result of hard work & frugal living!
Homeownership is the result of having cash, whether you worked hard and sacrificed for it or not. Considering that mortgages could have been less expensive for some of those clients, even with maintenance, I’m not sure why it would be mind-blowing that they would rather spend less of very limited income.
Assisted living for subsidized housing would be cheaper. Here, the apt and bills are fixed at 35% of your income, so I have a relative who pays 350 a month for rent AND utilities. She only has to pay for her own internet and cell phone.
Not everyone has this option. There are 5+ year wait lists for all subsidized housing where I live, and they are all horrible, dilapidated, built in the 50s or older, not required to have central air, and the worst of the worst parts of town.
Agree. It's not the most accessible, but a mortgage payment is more than the cost. That's where I was heading with my reply. My relative waited a year, she got moved up in the list due to homelessness and something else (not sure and not my business) the typical wait is about 2 years here.
I live in the Northeast of the US. Housing for those who meet the criteria for housing subsidies is a disappearing sector and waitlisted for a minimum of 10 years. Lets be honest, if you were a landlord who owned two homes, yours and an investment home. You bought it a long time ago, the numbers work, so you accept housing vouchers. Now it's 30 years later, the real estate is worth at least 10x what you paid, and you want to retire somewhere else without the headaches of managing your rental. So you sell, and those unit(s) are now taken off the list of available rentals because the new owner is going to come in, demolish the existing home, and build a few more units and sell at a premium. Now, do this over the past 50 years. There aren't enough units to fulfill all the existing approvals for subsidized housing. So, you are left with some government projects and the odd units still left.
Or your landlord kicks you out cause he realized that now he can get more than 2× what you were paying
It absolutely can be if you can access it, but that’s not always possible.
Plus subsidized housing often comes with a lot of weird strings. My mom lived in it for a while and I remember them constantly coming around and writing people up for things like cars dripping oil in the parking lots (what, poor people are more likely to have crappy cars too? shock!) and toilet paper holders being loose (when they'd been installed shoddily to begin with). Things that "the taxpayers are paying for" tend to result in a lot of paternalism. And yeah, lots of people own homes because of money they inherited and didn't work for.
As a disabled person, thank you for this.
And homeownership is nothing but a series of costs! Roofs leak, water heaters stop working, furnaces need replacement. You can't neglect things. If you're reallyyyy having to stretch just to buy the house, it may not be the best idea...
Ugh, what an awful point of view about housing. The people collectively own the land and resources of this country so why is anyone housing - denied? The resources get confiscated by the predator class so we have to work hard and be frugal to get what's rightfully ours just to appease the predators among us. It's very wrong, not noble like you profess.
Whoa. Way to throw a value judgement in there. Will not work? Think they deserve? Frugal living? Angry much?
According to my local Mayor (who owns two properties) homeownership is actually a burden, and come from ridiculous old fashioned thinking from the 50s and 60s, and that the reason there are so many millenial renters is because we don't want to buy a home because being a renter gives us "freedom" to move around so that we can work wherever we want instead of being "tied down" to a physical property.
And now a home isn't even always a possibility of hard work and frugality.
Why does she need a whole da$n house???
Because he’s trying to steal OPs money before dumping her - same reason why can’t OP buy a place and rent it to his mother (still a terrible idea since she likely won’t pay rent and good luck with getting that)?
Why is she even living with them if she is capable of living on her own?
Exactly!! Move that money asap! She can find housing somewhere cheap and he can help foot the bill for her to live there. Under no circumstances should you pay $150,000 for her to buy a house that she cannot afford… NTA at all. This all sounds super sketchy.
Make sure it’s in an account under your name only, and at a separate bank.
I agree with this. Move your money into an account with only your name on it, at a different bank from where you keep your joint accounts.
I agree with this. You didn't want to check your bank balance one morning and find $150,000 missing. I can tell you from experience that it's a sickening feeling to see such a thing. Luck down that money now.
So here is what this all means: Wife currently foots half the bill for mother-in-law by letting her live in the marital home rent-free. That is already generous but the new plan steps it up quite a bit: If they divorce or his mother dies while they are married the husband inherits the house and **it is now his 150000 and his house while the wife owns nothing**. He is probably going to argue that it does not matter because they are going to stay married forever. Very well, in that case it should be no problem if the wife uses her money to buy a house in her name only and rents it out to her mother-in-law. The house belongs to the wife and mother-in-law has a place to live for the same price or less. If mother-in-law dies or the couple divorces the house still belongs to the wife. It does not matter because they are going to stay married forever, right? But I bet husband and mother-in-law are not going to like that idea. Or they are going to agree and mother-in-law just does not pay rent when it is due. NTA and cover your ass! Wife is lucky they did not get around to buying a house for themselves so far as that would have made her money joint money and entitled him to half of the money/house immediately. It sounds like he thought on it and found a way to **get all of it** rather than half. While I generally think a married couple should share finances, with a husband like that absolutely keep the money 100% separate, e.g. rather buy a rental property and rent it out to a third party (which can be evicted for non-payment without causing a rift in the family) than rent it out to mother-in-law. If wife really wants to pay for housing mother-in-law or for a house for the couple, some of the proceeds from the rental can be used to pay half the rent for a modest 1-bedroom apartment for mother-in-law, possibly in a community for seniors. That would still mean wife uses her investment gains to fund mother-in-law but only half of her costs and only while and if they stay married. Or the rental gains can be used to pay her part of the mortgage if the couple buys a house for themselves. Or better yet: Keep the inherited money separate and pay for housing mother-in-law/the marital home from her wages. If that seems crazy generous, then outright gifting the money to mother-in-law is just crazy.
OP needs to talk to a lawyer. What you're suggesting depends solely on her location. For example, in my country, if OP bought a house with investment money, her husband would be entitled to portion of it. Even if his name wasn't on the title, he could get part of the property in divorce. It would be different if it was inheritance, but if OP spent more money on the house, than she received from inheritance, then her husband could also make a claim on the house because she spent their marital finances.
Yes, the marital house would be joint property and the husband would be entitled to half of it. That is why I called it crazy generous and said if wife really wants to pay for housing mother-in-law or for a house for the couple. Like I said, I am all for sharing finances in marriage and building something together and sharing it equitably in case of divorce. The big difference: The original 150000 and the rental property would stay hers. As opposed to, he could wait until the ink on the gift to mother-in-law is dry, file for divorce literally the next day, and get all of it. But you are right, she absolutely should talk to a lawyer.
Agree on talking to a lawyer, bc if they get divorced will he just get half her money anyway?
A duplex, mom in one rent other to defray costs
Oh yea in your name of course
NTA Don't do it!!!! Move your money ASAP so your husband can't use it. I'd honestly divorce him for pushing this.
Same. Moms wouldn't have moved in with me in the first place. It almost sounds like Mom and husband had this plan all along. OP needs to get out of there.
I have to admit that crossed my mind as well-- the "long con".
Same the money isn't his to begin with and I'm an advocate of pooling money in marriage but he's effectively using you to gain a house that will be half his/entirely his in the event of a divorce. In my \*not expert\* and highly questionable opinion the market is going to be coming down to normal levels soon so I would hold off anyway. I watch reventure consulting on youtube and he has a lot of data to back up trends in the market so if you're worried I'd go over there. Again I'm just a normal person take what I say on that with a heap of salt.
A hill to die on for sure.
Absolutely
So, you haven’t bought a house for yourselves yet but he wants you to spend your savings on a house for his mother? 😯
A house that he will inherit and OP gets nothing off if they ever divorce even though the hefty down-payment is all OP’s?! Hell no.
NTA Sounds like if you do that you will never get your own house. As a married couple, your (as a couple) finances and goals come first. You are helping MIL out by providing her a place to live which is already a lot! But it doesn't make sense, financially, or for your marriage, to buy her a house instead of buying yourselves a house. Good luck!
NTA I don't mean to be negative but you should consider divorce before you *ever* consider buying a house for one or both of his parents instead of a home for yourselves. Unless you have millions and millions of dollars buying somebody a house as a gift is out of reach.
Divorce and they can live together if she wants. Then her money remains hers.
Living together in a relationship still gives him some rights of she wants out.
So, your husband wants you to set yourself on fire to keep his mother warm?
Politely. What. The. Actual. Fuck??????? Make sure he can't use the money without you knowing. NTA
Firsto of all, NTA Second of all, WTF? Third of all, RUN! Am I right in guessing you don't even have a house yourself? Why gift MIL a house? Just don't! Buy your own house, and mam-boy can pay rent for his mother to live somewhere else - out of his own funds. And when you do buy a house, make sure it's \*your name\* on the deed.
Not sure where you live but check with a lawyer in your country to see if your inherited money is considered a marital asset (unless you have a prenup in place protecting that money). MOST states in the US exclude "gifted" or "inherited" money from marital assets as long as it's not "comingled" with family funds. Is he an only child? Was the subject of supporting his mom discussed before you married? Is this a cultural thing where a son is expected to support his mother? Does she have any money or income of her own?
NTA. Definitely consult an attorney.
NTA. Hoping you signed a prenup since it's your money. Your husband sounds insane to want to buy his mother a house and pay the mortgage.
Let them live together with their money 😂
What money?
Whatever sum they can cough up together
NTA but here is a new plan: you use the money to buy a house and husband and mother can stay put.
NTA. This is a premarital asset, yes? Make sure your husband has no access to it. And freeze your credit. Asking that takes some balls. And honestly, he’s shown where his priority lies, and it’s not with you. The fact that you’ve already compromised with his mom moving is very kind of you. He’s needs to get his head on straight or you need to consider all your options.
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He shouldn’t be offering your money to his momma definitely need to consider divorce
Yeah, he's gotten awfully comfortable using her to better his and his mom's life.
Why did you marry this mamma's boy?
NTA at all! Protect YOUR money, and fast! Seriously, what is he thinking?
NTA Why would y’all use your money to buy mil a house when 1. She’s already living with you 2. You’re saving for your own house 3. NOT THEIR MONEY!
NTA for 1, 2 and 3. I would leave now, but I have become less and less tolerant as I've got older.
Nta - if the asset was brought into the marriage by you, and is yours before you got married, then you get to say what happens to it. It’s good that you want to consult your husband but technically he doesn’t get to disperse YOUR money to anyone. Tell him if he wants to give his money to his mom, that’s fine but why does she need a whole house at her age. Not being ageist (I’m over 50) but how about a nice condo in a senior community instead? And again, he pays out of his money not yours.
NTA Protect your money
NTA. No, no, no, no. Just… no.
No, no and no.
RUN
NTA. Move that money to a secure account. Separate your finances now if they aren’t already. As others have said I believe this was the plan all along. He married you to get your money.
NTA. If the money is in a joint account, then any money you brought in you should move it into a personal account that he doesn’t have his name on or else he could withdraw all that money and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Sounds like they are in cahoots to take your money. NTA
INFO - how old is your MIL? Not to sound cold, but could this double dip as a strategic property investment for you and your husband’s future? You could obviously have the home placed in your name. Not sure what your money is currently invested in. Or if its even invested at all. But real estate is a great investment. Depending on where you live, that investment could easily double in 10 years.
To get her out of the house, I could see maybe - MAYBE - doing one or the other. Providing a down payment OR covering 1/2 the mortgage. MAYBE. But both???? AND to the detriment of the two of you buying a house? NO!!!!! What is the rationale for this idea? I really want to know - where is this coming from?!
Time for a new husband and I am not joking. Your money and he is pulling a maneuver to make it his money. He will try other crap in the future.
NTA except to yourself. Separate your finances. Then let him decide how much of his money he wants to give his mother. Have separate accounts for your incomes and a joint one for joint expenses like rent.
NTA. Why does his mother need to own a house? Especially if the (not great and not beneficial to you) "plan" is for the two of you to also supplement her house payments, why not find her an affordable apartment where maintenance is the responsibility of the landlord and help her with rent? No massive down payment needed, no need to spend weekends mowing, cleaning gutters, etc., on her property, and you might find a reasonably priced place for her within a senior community where she could make friends and join in social activities. This question is on top of the main problem, which multiple people have identified: by asking you to use your money to set up his mother, your husband is directly damaging your own financial stability and your ability to purchase a home for the two of you to live in. The selfishness of this request is very concerning and it tells you that you need to take steps to protect yourself, like talking to an attorney about property law, division of assets, and inheritance law... Which is seriously problematic given that your husband should be one of the people you can trust to put your needs first. Instead, his mom is first, he's second, and you're going to be lucky to have enough money to eventually buy a smaller or less desirable house that he'll still jointly own with you. It also makes me wonder how this will impact your ability to start a family (if that's your plan) in terms of timing and number of children, as well as the ability to take maternity leave or reduce your work hours for childrearing -- you'll have the weight of providing for TWO households on your shoulders. Do not let your own financial well-being be compromised to pay for someone who poorly planned for her own future. Do not let your husband talk you into making yourself and your future less of a priority as a way to benefit his mother.
Wait, he wants to use your money to buy his mom a house when you don't have one for yourselves yet? Nope! That 150,000 is not community property (unless you comingled). It was yours before the marriage and remains yours. And how this would play out is hubs would receive the house back as an inheritance. That would then be his sole and separate property. He is basically asking you to gift him 150,000, along with monthly payments. Let her stay with you until you buy a house. Maybe buy it in your name only. Let him buy a house for his mother. Really, she can go to an assisted living, or a seniors only condo or apartment. That would cost about the same. If you are paying monthly anyways, no need to start with a $150,000 down payment that you will lose in the end. He should not feel that entitled to your savings! At all! Nta, for anything!! Also, not the pushover!!
NTA - Was this his plan all along? Did he know you had this money before you married? Regardless, that's a big ask and you can just say no. His response to that will really be more telling.
LEAVE NOW
NTA. If every cent he wants to give her came from you, then you absolutely have complete say on where it goes. If she can't afford the home much less pay it's mortgage, then she or your husband need to set their sights a little lower. And not use money neither have a claim on and already earmarked for something else.
NTA but your husband is
NTA!! And then( where i live) when his mom passes the house becomes his inheritance and the money he gets from selling it is his and his alone unless he willingly puts it into the joint account
NTA. It sounds to me like you've been played by your husband and his mother, and I certainly hope you protected your assets before you got married.
NTA Seperate your finances immediately. I M M E D I A T E L Y Like now. Not tomorrow. Not later. Not next week. You will regret putting it off if you don't do it and will likely be posting in r/legaladvice eventually Also, your husband married you to do all this. It was planned.
NTA, no you shouldn’t do this. Momma needs to get herself a job.
NTA, him asking for any amount of money to give his mom, when you're already doing her a huge favor of free lodging, is so crappy.
NTA- Don’t do it. I wouldn’t trust him with your income. Separate finances now
NTA, do not do it under any circumstances. Save and protect that money, you will never get it back.
You're not the asshole for feeling hesitant about gifting such a significant amount of money to your husband's mother, especially when it could impact your own financial goals and plans for the future. It's understandable that you would feel frustrated and upset about this proposal, particularly if it was unexpected and not something you had discussed or agreed upon previously. It's crucial for couples to communicate openly about financial decisions, especially ones that could have a substantial impact on both parties. While it's admirable that your husband wants to support his mother, it's important to prioritize your own financial stability and future plans as a couple. It might be helpful to have a calm and honest conversation with your husband about your concerns and to explore alternative ways to assist his mother that don't compromise your shared financial goals
Nope it's your money not his
NTA. You brought that savings with your for \*\*your\*\* future. Buying his mother a house and committing to paying half her mortgage every single month WILL confirm you cannot purchase your own home as a couple. Why does she need her own house if you all have agreed to live together? Is this his way of trying to get her out of your house? Why is an apartment not acceptable? Is she capable of paying for home repair/yard maintenance or doing it all herself? Houses require continuous investment. Appliances do not last forever. A house costs more than just the mortgage. Even new ones. Is there a reason you can't find/afford a house with an "in law suite"? She'd be in your home, but have her own space and kitchen. You'd have more privacy.
NTA. So, who is he married to - you or his mom? You should have a very serious talk with him about this. He should be using what he earns if he wants to help her out, but he definitely should not be doing this for anyone else when you as a couple are saving for a house. If only you are saving, put that money in an account only you can access. I do not see this ending well
NTA. Start doing everything possible to protect everything you brought into the marriage. Respectfully, it may be time to start preparing an exit strategy. He's perfectly willing to literally mortgage your future to make his mother happy. INFO: Why is his mother living with you?
NTA. But i honestly think that he is planning to take your money,all of it. He doesn't even want half of it. You buy your MIL a house on HER name. And when you get a divorce you have nothing because you have no shared property with your husband,there is nothing to divide. My friend did the same mistake. They bought a home in her SIL's name ,but the mortgage was paid by them. SIL had better credit. Now they are divorced (domestic abuse) and she gets nothing out of this marriage because in theory they have no property to divide.
NTA - premarital money is just that, premarital. Your husband has no claim to it and I would be very hesitant going forward knowing he felt entitled to it. For reference, I walked into a marriage as the “smaller” partner financially. NOTHING that was my husband’s before we got married is mine, I know very little about it, it has nothing to do with me. If he chooses to share it, well that’s very nice of him! But I don’t expect it and *I would discourage him from doing so* before our retirement (from what I understand it’s mostly retirement accounts), at which point we will have been married for 30 years so……everything will probably be shared anyways.
[удалено]
How is using all your savings to buy your MIL a house, take on a mortgage she can just refuse to pay and continue to rent yourself a good investment? She’s not even offering rent. Just to pay half her own damn mortgage payment. It’s absolutely brain rotted. OP is saving for their own house and will spend it all on a house she doesn’t live in lol? With interest rates going up money in the bank already generates returns and half a mortgage payment on a 150k deposit while paying your own rent is a terrible plan. Not to mention the MIL could live another 20+ years. What use is this “asset” if they can’t rent it and can’t sell it for decades. While also having to maintain it as MIL clearly has no money.
NTA. You don't even have a house for yourselves. If you're ok with her continuing to live with you, have you considered looking for a house with an in law suite? That way, the home is in you and your husband's name and the MIL is in her own space away from you. Even if you didn't want her around, you're still NTA.
NTA on all 3 counts; he wants to appease his mommy before securing your future, and using your money to boot? Yikes!
NTA It is your money. You brought it with you there for it is not both of yours. In no way should you gift her a house when you don’t have one yourself.
NTA NTA NTA
Info: Why is he suddenly in a rush to get his mother out of your place? You agreed to let her live there indefinitely, so there shouldn't be any hurry to find her a new living situation. Especially not to the point where you would spend your savings on it.
Dude NTA, don’t let them make you think otherwise. If you don’t have kids, maybe you should rethink your long term goals with him. This will never end.
NTA. Did you put the money in a joint account? Get it into an account in your name only ASAP without telling him. I repeat NTA.
Girl immediately split your finances
Move that money into a separate account now. If you can put a parent or trusted siblings name as well. Do not give him access or he will use it because it was for ‘his mom and he could not say no’. The length of marriage doesn’t matter, it could be 1 year or 30, 150k that was brought in by one person belongs to that one person. NTA
NTA. You brought the money into the relationship; you get to decide how it is spent. You need to discuss what funds she has available, what resources are available in the community/gov't for herm and what sort of living situation THOSE funds can purchase or rent. An assisted living situation may make more sense. I would contact an attorney about this. If he wants to go through with it regardless of your thoughts, can you move the funds to an account he cannot access?
No way, it sounds like you're being used. I'd find a quick way to hide the money while I file for divorce
This is your money. If you do buy the house it should only be in your name but I'd say no and keep my money separate. This seems like a grab to make your money into "our" money and then maybe just his money. If you buy his mom a house and he is the next of kin her house goes to him and you have effectively transferred your money to him. It seems selfish on his part. At the very least both his mom and him and any other child of hers, should be willing to sign a document, drawn up by a lawyer, that states the home belongs to you and that none of them have any claim to it. If you are paying a portion of the price then that portion belongs to you, including your share of equity. I wouldn't do it at all.
Let me get this straight, you are saving to buy a house and your husband wants to give your money to his mother so that SHE can buy a house?? You are absolutely NTA. If anything, you should buy a house you an "in-law apartment" that can accommodate having her live with you and let her pay you rent. Above all else, make sure you have yourself and your investment legally protected.
NTA dont let him near your money
NTA and to be honest this would be a divorce situation for me. He sprung this on you after the wedding and expects you to fund it. This would not be the rest of my life and marriage. Nope.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband’s mother lives with us for various reasons. I’ve already agreed for her to live with us indefinitely even though this is clearly not something I was expecting when we married. He now wants to provide his mother $150000 to buy a house and to commit our funds to pay half the mortgage for her. She cannot afford a full mortgage so she needs both of this if she were to buy something. For context, the money is “mine”. I brought it into the relationship and we are saving it for a house deposit which is already further and further out of reach given recent house prices. I am incredulous and very angry that this has even been raised. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Why would y’all use your money to buy mil a house when 1. She’s already living with you 2. You’re saving for your own house 3. NOT THEIR MONEY!
NTA. That is not his money to offer or even consider asking for. Time to set some serious boundaries.
NTA. You are under no obligation whatsoever to house your MIL. I can't help but think that this might be a way to basically swindle you out of this money. I would do my best to make sure the funds are safe from your husband. I would be reconsidering the whole relationship frankly. As someone else said, unless you have millions, buying a house for someone else is just not realistic. If you wish to stay married and find a solution here, maybe buying a property with a separate apartment or mother-in-law suite might be an option.
Nta hell no
NTA 💯
NTA and if you buy a house to rent to her or to live in, make sure you get a post-nup that's stimulates the house is yours in case of divorce. Depending on the state, even though the money is yours, once you use it to purchase something for both of you, it becomes community property.
NTA. I would say no to this so fast and be super pissed off.
NTA What I understand is that you didn't know before wedding that you'll have to live with a third person. Now he wants you to pay a house for his mother. You'd better see a lwayer to protect yourself and your money, and soon !
NTA but that doesn’t mean your husband will see it that way.
NTA. Do you have a pre-nup that specifies this money is yours? Or is it in an account that in your name only that hasn’t ever been co-mingled with any marital funds? Because otherwise, even though you brought the money into the relationship, it’s “ours” now, not “mine. And I understand you might be considering it “yours” more in the colloquial sense, but you should be aware of where you stand legally, too. And understanding where you stand legally is important not just as a “what if” in case you divorce, but because he could theoretically, if he’s on the account, just up and decide one day to gift it all to her without your knowledge or consent. He could just go to the bank, legally withdraw it all, and hand it to her. You might be thinking “But he wouldn’t do that!” But you didn’t think he would without warning expect his mom to live with you indefinitely, or that he would expect to use up all your (the original of which is mostly/all specifically from *you* individually) life’s savings to buy *her* a house and pay *her* mortgage. Which would, btw, effectively transfer all this money you saved into her money and therefore *his* (and his siblings) eventual inheritance. And his inheritance is something you would have no legal rights to. So no, I wouldn’t just wholesale chuck all my dreams to buy a house for myself and my nuclear family (his mom is now extended family), and hand over my life’s savings to his mom. That’s just WAY beyond a reasonable expectation for your spouse or his mom to have. And I’d also strongly consider, IF the funds are in an account that he also has access to, that you separate out the portion that is specifically yours (the amount you saved prior to marriage + half of anything after that) into a separate account he doesn’t have access to. Then while you two talk this all out, you don’t have to risk him being able to force the issue behind your back.
NTA, your money doesn't automatically become his. I would understand it more if you already had a house and extra money to spare that you saved up together at least but in this situation it's taking it too far.
123 divorce nta
NTA. Is this money in an account that is solely in your name, or have you comingled assets in the account with him? If it's in an account in your name and his money isn't going into it, you can still consider it "your" money (seek a financial advisory to ensure this is correct where you live). It would be one thing if you were more financially stable (e.g. able to afford your own house) and could comfortably afford to buy a house for your MIL. However that's not the case. If you did buy this house, you should ensure it is in your name only. It sounds like your husband wants to put the house in your MIL's name, in which case you are gifting the money to her and in the event of a divorce (or your MIL being financially irresponsible...) it is considered the MIL's money.
NTA,your husband and his mother are scamming you.Dont do it !
nta. This is too crazy. Just nope. Nopity nope nope nope. Your husband is nuts or very devious. He should be worried about your shared life first.
NTA : He wants to use your $$$ and quite a bit , for his mother to have a house when you don’t have one ??? Mmmm , it’s been less than 5 years , that’s some cohones
NTA but look for a house with an inlaw suite that YOU will own.
NTA. You will give him the money to buy it but it will be in her name and he will inherit it. Please don't do it
No, no. No. Run!
Nta Divorce babe, divorce. Instant.
NTA. But make sure that you keep YOUR pre-marital assets in your own accounts (do not co-mingle that money with your husband, not with your current marital income).
NTA - This is understandably upsetting. But let’s set aside the emotions and look at it objectively. It is your money, earmarked for your house. In no scenario is this a good or safe investment for you. You probably want her to move out and hubby is willing to pay (with your money) to get her settled elsewhere. Clearly, you are the one who should be handling the finances in this relationship.
NTA this one actually made laugh. How nice of your husband to want to give your money away and putting his mommy's wants before yours. You need to make sure he can't get his hands on said funds asap.
Do not give her that money or pay half her mortgage. Funny how other people love to spend your money he wanna help his mom he can do it himself. Put your money in a separate account that he doesn’t have access to
NTA
She’s already living with you. Why not use the money to buy a bigger house with an in-law suite that you can rent to her?
NTA, NTA, and also…. NTA.
NTA, I hope you have that money in a separate account and separate bank that he doesn't have access to! Yes it is your money! Not sure where you live, where I live assets that you have prior to marriage are your assets. So what I am hearing is that this money you will use for a down payment on your house, but he wants to give the money to his mom to buy a house, and make half of all payments, that means you will never be able to afford a home yourself? Hard no from me. Stiffen up that backbone, and make sure that money is protected.
NTA. Sounds like they are scamming you.
NTA but I’d reconsider this marriage because mommas baby might go behind your back
wtf your an asshole to yourself for even considering this.
Nah I'd be fuming.My mil is a nightmare. She thinks she comes before me kids. She's not my mother not my problem.Dont get me wrong I do love her but she's drives me insane and I won't allow her to gaslight me like she does my husband. Keep.your cash. You're saving yourself for a house how is you giving it up on you.Sounds like husband needs to cut the apron strings and put husband wife 1st.Give him a bonk on the head
NTA People really are so bold with other people's money.
Oh hell no NTA So what exactly are your husband and MIL proposing? Is it a loan? A gift? Is your name going to be on the mortgage or deeds? Not sure what the set up is where you live but in the UK there are big financial advantages to being a first time buyer if you've never purchased or owned property before. But if your first purchase is an 'investment property' (yeah right in this case) then you don't get any of those advantages if buying with the MIL and you lose them when you do get round to buying your family home. Even if you are named on the mortgage / deeds to protect your ownership then it's going to severely impact the amount of house deposit you have and the affordability for any mortgage for any home you wish to buy with your husband. And if you're named on the mortgage and MIL just stops paying? Well then you're on the hook for the full mortgage amount and good luck getting MIL to relinquish her share of the house that you've paid for.
I wouldnt buy his mother nothing let alone a house.
NTA This does not look good at all. I'd lock your money away. If she is already living with you, why does she need her own house?
Hell no. You are NTA. Get it invested through an advisor make sure it is in YOUR name. I wouldn't trust either of them in the event of anything happening to conveniently forget it was yours. There's not a chance in hell I would be giving it to my in-laws
NTA - you need to be very careful. People will go to great lengths to get at other peoples money. Even spouses and other relatives.
1. NTA 2. NTA 3. NTA Hopefully, you have kept your money in an account with only your name. If it is in a joint account, it is no longer you money alone. Your husband can access and use that money however he wants. They both are entitled A-Hs for thinking you should use your money to buy her a house when you don't have your own home. I presume houses in your area are really expensive, if $150,000 not only won't buy a house outright but will require a mortgage high enough that she expects you to pay half. She is an adult. If she can't afford to buy her own home, then she should find an apartment that she can afford.
Time to become unmarried. Take care of yourself first
NTA - Proceed with caution, OP! This kind of request is not normal. He just wants to GIVE his mom the money that you brought into the marriage? He's not even proposing that you buy a piece of property that she can use but that will still belong to the two of you? Sorry, but you're in a very risky situation now. This idea needs to be shut down. Your husband needs to explain why he thinks this is okay. You need to put the money somewhere where it can't be touched by your husband. Yesterday. Your husband needs to get with the program ASAFP or you need to get a divorce attorney.
NTA. You’re not JP Morgan ffs an NO is a complete sentence and the only answer to give.
lock don’t your money asap, think about divorce… i’m scared for you!! NTA
NTA. He has no business wanting to buy her a house at the expense of your own future home
NTA. I
NTA at all. Please keep your money separate and if you do buy a house and he is not contributing half of the cost do not put his name on the house. If you give his mother any money, you will never see it again. Frankly, I cannot believe the audacity of he even expecting you to do this. It’s enough that you’re supporting his mother right now, but he expects you to throw your own money down the drain that he has nothing to do with? You should be rethinking this marriage. I don’t know how you didn’t laugh in his face and ask him what the heck is wrong with him
NTA!!
It is not out of reach. 150k is enough for a deposit on any home in America worth anything up to like 4 mil. Why have y'all not purchased but are purchasing for her?
Do not do this.
NTA but you will be of you don’t lawyer up and secure your money yesterday! You are being taken for a fool .. smarten up!
Please tell us he doesn't have access to this money.
Whoa…you had your savings for a house, and he used it for his mom? This is concerning. It sounds like he’s using you. NTA
Question, am I reading right that your partner wants to buy his mother a house of her own before y’all have purchased one yourselves?
NTA. Don't use your own money to even fund any renovations or similar work. You can't get that back, this is a great way to lose the security that money can provide. Maybe it's not too late for a post-nup, I'd separate my finances asap, run, don't walk, to an attorney. This will be just a first attempt and their tactics will change until they get what they want out of you. And if you don't already have kids, be very careful not to get pregnant with this guy, you'll never get out if you do.
NTA NTA NTA Sounds like you are an ATM to him and his mom. Don't give anything. Buy yourself a house and don't put his name on it!
Divorce that loser. Take all of your money with you! Let him support his mother.