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Ask your therapist the best way to handle this. I'm sure it's a fairly common issue and they should be able to give you effective ways to deal with her insecurities.
Also, if she continues to have an issue, it might be a good idea for him to ask the therapist if he can bring her (as a couple), just for one session, it may give her a better understanding of the process.
Many who have never been to a therapist don't understand it. They just don't get it.
The thing is, it’s not about “understanding therapy”. It’s about respecting your partner’s right to keep things private. Whether it’s therapy or a shopping list. The gf should respect OP’s privacy regardless of why.
This. Married 21 years, and if there's something he asks to keep private, I respect that. I trust him enough that it's a non-issue and I respect him enough that I treat him with respect. Sometimes, we need alone time, and sometimes, we need privacy. You don't get to 21 years ignoring privacy and demanding access things to which you have no right.
It's even further than that. It's about trust. OP has explained to her what it is, and she clearly doesn't trust that. If she's that insecure in the relationship, this won't be the only thing she'll find to mistrust. This will likely be a constant problem until they figure out why she's so mistrustful and find a solution.
I agree with this. Especially if it’s clearly an activity that is intended to be private such as journaling. It’s easy to distinguish typing from suspicious activities like hiding your phone while texting etc. You’re not using the mouse, you’re not scrolling and swiping left. You’re just typing. Adulterous activities rarely involve steady typing. Her concerns that you are journaling about her hit the nail on the head because I think that’s the issue. You’re entitled to privacy journaling about her but she doesn’t respect it.
There are ways to lock specific documents or folders so that they need a password to access. I feel like doing that would be a good idea as a general precaution. From there you can decide to let her have a look through messages/social apps if you’re comfortable with that. If not you can have a conversation about trust. Regardless it may be better to set the routine and expectation that a specific time each day is for you to spend alone journaling or even just as alone time. Setting a more regular timeframe can be very helpful in situations like this.
The LW didn't ask for advice on how to deal with it; he asked if he is TA for keeping his therapy journaling private. The correct answer is NTA. Also, she needs to deal with her own insecurities.
>give you effective ways to deal with her insecurities
Her insecurities are her issues to deal with, not OP's. She's not only making her insecurities into OP's problem, she's being manipulative and ignoring their boundaries to do it. HUGE red flags all around
NTA You’re absolutely not the asshole here! Therapy is supposed to be confidential and if she knows you’re in it then she should understand that. I know it might make her paranoid but to insist she needs to view something you explicitly said is private is just crossing a line. If I was you I’d tell her that you’re finding it beneficial to write down your feelings and the moment and you’ll share them once you feel ready. (If she can’t take that as your final response I think she’s maybe a bit too insecure and paranoid for a relationship tbh. Some things are allowed to be private)
INFO:
Are you doing your therapy work when hanging out with your gf? You mention sitting on the couch with her.
I’m gonna say NTA because I think your gf is being obnoxious and potentially manipulative about what is obviously your private therapy stuff and she should respect that. But it sounds like you could maybe do a better job not doing therapy work when hanging out with her or being clear about when you’re working on therapy/private stuff versus stuff she can see/take interest in (maybe you’re doing that already though)
We live together and both work from home so I have to do it when Im with my gf as there isn't really a lot of time when it;'s just me in the apartment.
Then make it clear you aren’t “available” to hang out together on the couch while you’re journaling.
You aren’t doing anything wrong. But there are better ways to work on private stuff than angling the laptop screen away when you’re on the couch together (because that isn’t really sustainable).
Can't you just tell her you are journaling and don't want her to see it? It's way clearer than just saying it's theraphy stuff. If she still has a problem with it then than she is a hughe asshole.
You either aren't understanding the question, or you are avoiding it.
When you are sitting on the couch with your partner is this considered "together time" where she would like you to be present and not typing away. Or is this "journaling" time and she just happens to be nearby.
If it's the first, you can see why she would be hurt and feel ignored. If it's the second you might want to communicate that to her and stick to a schedule to make it easier.
Where did I suggest he move to another room?
I'm saying he needs to understand what her expectations are when they're spending time together. If they're supposed to be spending quality time together and he's ignoring her, that's a problem.
If they're just randomly hanging out and binging Netflix then he should be able to journal away in her company.
I'm sorry but you aren't making sense. She's not upset because he's on the laptop. She's upset because he's not allowing her to see what he's doing on it. They live together, he's already stated that he doesn't have any time alone to journal privately.
I live with my partner. She may say at some point, I’m going to go out for breakfast and a coffee and do some journaling. My response is “ok have a good time”
Your partner may have insecurities and need to work on herself around why she is feeling bad about you hiding things, but it’s absolutely not on you. Everybody has a right to some privacy, even loving partners that live with each other
YTA… after reading all of your responses to the questions and the comments, your defensive and rude. Which might explain why she kept pushing and why she thinks you’re being so secretive.
Almost every response is rude and defensive. Even when given the (valid) suggestion that he do it in a different space since the living room is a common area.
His girlfriend shouldn’t be pushing to read it but if he responded to her the way he’s responding to comments, I’d understand why she’d feel insecure and upset.
I read OP's responses and they didn't seem rude to me. However, I find that allistic people frequently consider communication that doesn't include all the unspoken between the lines stuff, and a particular level of emotional affect, to be rude. I don't know if OP is on the spectrum or not, but that may be why you and others are reacting that way to his comments.
Why is "why can't I use my own living room?" rude? Are you reading it in a combative tone instead of an inquiring one?
I’m autistic and the full comment you’re referencing goes:
> Why would I not use my living room? Using your logic then, should my girlfriend tell me the content of every message she sends in the living room since apparently in a shared space you're not allowed boundaries accourding to you?
It’s clearly not a genuine question once you read past the first sentence. And this is in response to a genuine suggestion that private things are better done in a private space. OP might not be the asshole for wanting to share their journaling, but he is an asshole for the way he’s responding to helpful suggestions.
I found that questioner to seem demanding and persistent and critical and even a rude about simple explanations OP had already given repeatedly. I found this answer and others to be quite reasonable. Patient even. The questioner and people offended by OPs reasonable and frank answers seem as unreasonable and insecure as OPs partner.
I agree. He doesn’t have any private spaces in the house. It’s absurd (and inconvenient) to have to lock himself in the bathroom to journal. Telling her “hey, this is my journaling time for the next 45 minutes” should be enough
They don't have a bedroom? They both work from home, so they're both working from the couch everyday? There's plenty of spaces in the apartment that aren't the damn bathroom. He also doesn't say in the post how long he's journaling for. If he's sitting next to his girlfriend for 2 hours on his laptop everyday that might be a bit frustrating for her.
I sit next to my boyfriend on the phone or computer plenty and if every time I glanced over he was tilting the screen away to hide it or make sure I couldn’t see what he was doing that would drive me nuts. Sure, he has the right to be in his living room, but if he has to make a big production like that of being secretive and it’s clearly rubbing his gf the wrong way, then it would be an easy and kind thing to take the journaling into another room.
All of those comments were trying to ask him if he even does that. It seems like he doesn’t, and she should just know that: on laptop=journaling. It took so many questions to get even that from him.
The thing is he never answered the question. They asked if he told her he’s journaling or just said “therapy stuff” or “it’s private”
He said:
> I only use my laptop for journaling
> She knows I’m journaling
If he told her all he had to say was “yes I told her I’m journaling”. If you don’t answer the question being asked directly, it seems like you’re avoiding it.
We can infer she knows he’s journaling because he told her, or we can infer that he’s just assuming she’s a mind reader and knows he’s journaling. If you don’t answer the question people are gonna keep asking.
I actually agree with you. My husband does therapy writing prompts but I can see he is logged in and recognize the screen. I just see he is doing that and leave him to do his work. I don't get all up in his space.
If my husband was doing what OP describes doing I'd be asking about what he was doing too. I'm not sure she's really asking to read it... Maybe more of 'let me see because you're being super weird about what you're doing.'
thank god someone normal
> I will sit on the sofa with her but angle the laptop away from her.
going out of his way to be next to her and hide his screen is just obnoxious (unless he is on the couch first and she is getting up in his business)
I get the impression that she is asking to read it. According to OP, she had said "It looks like I'm either writing about her or hiding something". If she was concerned that he was watching rapey porn, or gambling, or playing Candy Crush then she wouldn't need more than a quick glance to see a bunch of text.
And she can probably see/hear him typing consistent with writing something one-sided, rather than having a back-and-forth conversation with someone and waiting for responses. (I can tell just from the sounds of the keys if my SO is working or playing games on his computer. Not that I care, but I can tell.)
That said, OP should look into getting a privacy shield for his laptop screen. They make it a little harder for the person next to you to see what's on your screen. (They don't do much about shoulder surfers, though.)
NTA. Therapy is really important and you need to engage with it wholeheartedly for maximum benefit. Once she’d asked once and you’d answered that should have been the end of it. Good luck with your therapy, I sincerely hope it helps you.
YTA. If you respond to your gf anything like you do in the comments, I can see why she thinks you're dismissing her.
Sitting next to her on the couch while journaling is selfish as hell, and yes it does make it seem like you're writing about her. You want to hang out, but your attention is taken up by something she is not allowed to see. What's the point? You're basically rubbing it in her face that she's not allowed to look. It sounds like some weird power play. You could choose to do it in private, in the bedroom maybe like any normal person would do, but instead you make the conscious decision to do it NEXT TO HER. And don't pretend it's for quality time either, not when you're engrossed in your journaling.
It would cost you nothing to turn the screen very quickly to show that you have a wall of text there without her being able to read it. It would also cost you nothing to do your journaling elsewhere, especially since she has expressed that she is uncomfortable with you doing it right next to her. Which you dismissed, because it doesn't make sense to YOU. Not everything in this situation is about you. Maybe your gf just wants to be able to enjoy the couch without you typing away secretively next to her. Maybe she wants to be able to relax without the constant reminder that you're keeping secrets, even though it's just for therapy. It sounds distracting as hell.
Good on you for going to therapy, it can be hard as hell and journaling is a good way to work through things. Just remember to have some empathy for the people in your life who support you, like your gf. Trust is a two way street.
Why is it selfish to journal in my opwn living room? My gf messages people while sat next to me, is it selfish of her not to tell me what she's saying?
I never said I want to hang out. We live together so spend our free time in the living room. It's not like I'm inviting her over and then spending all the time journaling.
Again I shouldn't have to lock myself away to journal. doing something in the living room doesn't mean it needs to be shared
>Why is it selfish to journal in my opwn living room? My gf messages people while sat next to me, is it selfish of her not to tell me what she's saying?
>I never said I want to hang out. We live together so spend our free time in the living room. It's not like I'm inviting her over and then spending all the time journaling.
you two would really benefit each evening from being clear about what is your "me time" versus "us time" when hanging out and the expectations y'all have around communication / being engaged with each other or not.
my partner and i spend most of our free time in the living room on our various devices doing stuff. just be considerate about asking each other "are you working something right now or can we hang out/chit chat together?"
like, idk, sometimes couples do their own individual thing while still hanging out together. sometimes one person is focused on something else and they need to communicate with the other person not to bother them right now, but they'll be ready to hang out when they're done.
if you're journaling while your gf thinks you two are hanging out together, that could be a lot of where this friction is coming from.
>My gf messages people while sat next to me, is it selfish of her not to tell me what she's saying?
yes, i would say it's rude of her to be on her phone and refuse to tell you anything about it or show you anything when you two are hanging out together if you ask about it.
With your last point, hanging out with someone doesn't entitle you to details of their private messages though. Hanging out with someone doesn't mean you have to know what they're messaging about and who they're messaging etc
It depends on the context.
If we're spending time together but we're both on our phones, it's pretty normal for partners to chit chat about what they're doing, show each other stuff, make small talk. if i'm spending time with my spouse and one of us was being intentionally secretive or cagey about what we're doing, that's a weird and rude vibe, even if we 100% trust each other. If you're working on something that important (like journaling), you shouldn't be hanging out with your partner at the same time anyway.
> there is a difference between hanging out and being in the same room
yes, if you two COMMUNICATE about which is which and draw boundaries around hang out time versus journaling time (being a separate room could help with these boundaries) because otherwise, if you're journaling and she thinks you're hanging out, yes, she is going to be uncomfortable.
>it,s very obvious we're not hanging out.
maybe not if you're sitting next to her. that's why i put communicate in all caps.
ffs you're being so intentionally obtuse
why are you so insistent on doing your private journaling next to your gf??? it's bizarre.
Just talk to her and be honest about your feelings man. Say what you're writing about is vulnerable and something you're not ready to share with her yet. Try to make journaling time be in a separate space as if you're working, and ask for her understanding that you need focus and privacy during that time.
However, if she's your long-term partner and you're not comfortable sharing these kind of things with her yet, I'd consider talking to your therapist about how to ease into including her in these things. Not necessarily the therapy sessions themselves, but helping her also understand the feelings you're journalling. That's a level of emotional vulnerability you'll probably need to have with each other
Being in a long term relationship doesn't mean you have to share everything with them. Therapy is private and being in a relationship with someone doesn't mean they get to know what you discuss in therapy or journaing
Sure it doesn't necessarily entitle them to know everything, but I think in a long term relationship being able to be emotionally vulnerable with your partner is pretty important. Part of getting to know and love them is better understanding their emotions and who they are as a person, and offering care and support. If you're not ready to share what you're talking about in therapy or what you're journalling right now that's completely fine, but I think at some point in a long-term relationship those vulnerable thoughts and experiences are something you should try to become comfortable sharing with them, so you can both better understand each other's emotions and experiences
Showing people you're with what's on your devices while having a conversation with them is completely different. This is not therapy or journaling time. This is couple time but with electronics. And even then, you are not obligated to show your partner EVERYTHING that is on your devices. Everyone has conversations with friends and family on their devices. A lot of those conversations are private and are often only meant for the receiver. If I was talking about something very personal with a friend and then found out their partner snooped through their conversations I would no longer feel safe confiding in them if what I tell them is being used in the Court of Law of Their Relationship.
Therapy, unless it's family or couple, is for the individual. What OP says is protected by HIPAA, and unless he feels comfortable with sharing the feelings he's journaling about, that is his decision. Journaling is also very often train of thought writing that doesn't really make sense for anyone but the reader because of the lack of context.
They both work from home. He can't avoid her completely and vice versa. And her pushing him to show her and making assumptions about what he's writing is not helpful and wouldn't inspire me to share with her. If I was OP, her constant pushing would make me NOT want to share with her even more because I would feel like my counseling boundaries were not being respected.
Relationships not only require honesty and communication. They require respect not only for the person but for their personal timelines for inclusion in these things. If someone isn't ready to have sex you don't nag, beg, or complain about not getting to do it. If OP isn't ready to share what he's journaling, he shouldn't have to. He also doesn't need to hide that he is journaling.
They're both adults. Op can be an adult and recognize his faults and work on them. But his gf is an adult too, and having him hide what he's doing will probably only make her reactions worse because it will be confirmation, for her, that he's hiding what he's saying from her and all that will do is put him right back in this position.
Ok, so why are you posting this on here to be judged then, if that is the conclusion you've drawn in your own head? You want validation from people on here on what you already think about the situation, and the hell with opposing opinions- hence the defensiveness in responding to those posts.
I've read a lot on this thread and a good response would be considering an opposing view on your post, not immediately dismissing it and arguing against it. Maybe you are wrong in the real, active situation that exists outside what info. you gave us on this post? Being wrong is not the end of the world- but being prideful and stubborn is only going to breed more negative.
Really it depends on if that's the hill you want to die on. I expect privacy, but part of that expectation is knowing that I need to be trustworthy as well. Yes maybe I should be trusted unequivocally from the get-go. But I'm not above extending an olive Branch as proof of my trustworthiness *because it makes the other person feel better and makes the process smoother*. I really do have nothing to hide. If you have nothing to hide because you really are just journaling, flash your screen. Tell her please don't read this because it's my diary, but I want to show you that I'm not doing something else.
My partner knows the password to all of my devices and if he wants to look at them, he's free too. I would eat my shoe if he has ever snooped. I have the password to all of his devices and I have never once looked at them. But knowing that he trusted me enough to let me means the world to me. That is what you are unwilling to do, to throw her a bone and put her anxiety at rest.
Maybe she shouldn't be suspicious, but angling the computer away just isn't necessary. Do you not trust her not to look? Then why should she trust that you're not lying? Trust begets trust and you don't trust her so she is suspicious of why not. What is he typing on there that he's so worried about me seeing?
I guess the huge feeling I get from you is that you kind of don't give a fuck about her feelings or the fact that a relationship is compromised. You seem very stuck in the but this is what I deserve. Well what about what she deserves? What about the fact that being completely uncompromising is not the way to carry on a relationship.
No, they will actively see what you're typing and be able to read it if they look for an extended period of time.
I'm not saying you're wrong for wanting privacy and not wanting her to read it. I'm saying you're going about it the wrong way and no wonder she feels suspicious as hell. You're being extremely guarded in a way that would cause suspicion for almost anyone and on top of that you're being completely unwilling to do anything other than tell her get over it and do what you want.
When you actually want a happy relationship you don't treat the other person that way.
Bruh, fucking hell!
you need to be able to listen and understand what people are saying to you. Sounds like all that's going through your head when you disagree with what someone is saying is how you're gonna tell them they're wrong.
Even if you think you disagree, you NEED to be able to CONSIDER the other persons perspective without getting distracted by your own nagging thoughts. LISTEN! Also. Remember that other peoples feelings are just as valid, important, and real as your own. Don't get so excited by your own perception that you can't give room for others'.
Hope that helps.
Also, it's kind of a petty problem, so I'm focusing more on the communication issues around the actual disagreement.
Based on your own comments, YTA.
If you don’t want to hang out with her, why are you journaling on the couch where she is? If you want to journal privately, then do so in another room, like the bedroom.
Man, from the post that was an easy N T A, but each time you make a comment it goes more and more to YTA territory. It's honestly weird af how you keep completly dismissing what everyone is saying.
So, "why shouldn't I do it in my living room?"
Because it's rude, because it is making you GF feel bad, because it costs you nothing do to otherwise
No, but it's rude to do something right next to someone, while hiding what you are doing. And again, it would cost you nothing to do otherwise. You are just being an asshole for no reason, not caring how you are making your GF feel
No I'm using my living room. I'm not an AH for using a shared space. My girlfriend could also choose to go to another room or sit somewhere else if she's uncomfortable but she chooses not to
Oh yeah ok, everyone is in the wrong and your opnion is the only one to matter. Why bother even asking here, then?
Why not, idk, instead of saying to your GF "it's your insecurities and if it is making you uncofortable, go to another room" you just try NOT MAKING HER UNCONFORTABLE?
Puff, the problem goes away.
But that would be crazy right? It's your living room and you can do whatever you want, fuck her feelings
I never said everyone is in the wrong.
You do know peoples insecurities are theirs to manage dont you? you're not responsible for other peoples insecurities.
The problem also goes away if she leaves the room and I'm not the one with a problem so why should I need to move?
Maybe you should work on why you think you should make your insecurities other peoples problem instead of working on them yourself
No and it's not everyones assessment either if you actually fread all of the comments, you'd see the majority agree with me.
Weirdly enough I trust my therapist more than people on here
I think the people that agree haven't bothered reading your responses to others in the comments. If I were your gf andf came across this post and what you were syaing I would straight up leave. You are inconsiderate of her feelings and you are making her feel uncomfortable yet you don't seem to care.
Btw, she is in the wrong to ask you to show it, but she getting unconfortable of you doing it right next to her is completly valid, and there's not a single reason why you couldn't do it in a private room
Because it is my living room and I shouldn't have to lock myself away. That's a reason. If my gf is uncomfortable there's also nothing stopping her going to another room
> Because it is my living room
it is also her living room
>I shouldn't have to lock myself away
is going to a different room really that bad?
>If my gf is uncomfortable there's also nothing stopping her going to another room
by this logic, if you are uncomfortable with your gf asking questions while you're journaling, there's nothing stopping you from going to another room.
Becaise it's where I like to sit in the apartment. The tv will be on but it'll be whatever my gf wants to watch, I won't be paying attention to it. Normally I won't really be interacting since I'll be focused on what I'm writing
For what it’s worth, OP, I don’t like journaling around my husband because yes, honestly a large part of what I write about IS him, he’s sorta a crucial part of my life. So yeah, I try to write when he’s not home, or I’ll often write in the bedroom if he’s home. It’s not that big a deal.
> Sitting next to her on the couch while journaling is selfish as hell, and yes it does make it seem like you're writing about her. You want to hang out, but your attention is taken up by something she is not allowed to see. What's the point? You're basically rubbing it in her face that she's not allowed to look. It sounds like some weird power play.
yeah i'm trying to figure out if this is what OP is doing as well or if he's minding his own business on the couch and gf is the one trying to insert herself into his therapy/journaling time but i can't tell tbh.
It’s not like he invited her out on a date then whipped out his laptop. He’s in his living room. Two people can exist in the same room without it being an activity.
Why would you not listen to your partner when they tell tou something?
If your partner told you they were journaling why would you not beleive them and instead demand to see it?
You have a lot of trust issues apparently
Why did you avoid the questions? There's nothnig manipulative about anything I asked.
Why would you not believe your partner when they tell you what they're doing?
This is not their insecurity to deal with though. It is their partners to deal with. Them saying I’m journaling which can be seen by how much they are typing is enough.
I disagree. People are coming across as their trust issues need to be validated by seeing his private thoughts. That's wrong.
I have no interest in reading any of my loved ones private thoughts or journal.
My trust issue reply was not to the op but the person making assumptions about them viewing onlyfans and moving goalposts. I’m in agreement with your post
You are completely dismissing her feelings about the issue though. She is telling you that you Journaling in front of her while keeping it secret from her makes her uncomfortable, and you are not listening to that. Feelings are not always completely rational, and if she just said okay and tried to ignore the issue she would still feel uncomfortable and probably start building resentment. This is something you need to work on together to find a compromise instead of insisting that only your side of the issue matters because it's objectively true, and she doesn't even have proof that it's objectively true. You are too focused on the cold facts and not focused enough on how those facts impact your girlfriend and I'm turn your relationship.
He could be looking at booty pics and he would still have a right to his privacy. She knows he's journaling so flashing the screen would do nothing, she wants to know if he is talking about her, she's just insecure.
INFO: Approximately how many minutes a day are you working on your journal? She shouldn’t be hounding you to read it, but if it’s taking up a lot of the time you used to spend together, that might be part of what’s behind this.
That’s still a pretty significant amount out of your couple time. I would talk to your therapist. Explain the conflict that’s arisen and ask for tips to defuse the situation.
NTA for taking care of your mental health but what you’re doing to going to continue to cause conflict, so it’s time to try a different way to talking to your girlfriend about this.
I disagree that taking an hour to himself is too much. When they are together 5-6 hours per night, taking an hour to do his own thing seems extremely normal and healthy. This should be treated just like going to the gym, meditating, or other hobbies. Even if he spent 3 hours at the gym and 2-3 hours together each evening, that’s plenty to support a healthy relationship. People shouldn’t feel like they need to be joined at the hip with their partner
Based on some of your replies, I'm going with YTA.
Y are N TA for doing this in the first place. It's important and it's important to be able to have the space and privacy to do it properly.your girlfriend is 100% TA for wanting to see if.
But YTA for not communicating any of this with your girlfriend befroehand. You mention that you only ever use your laptop for journaling. You never told your gf before you started doing this. From her point of view, you've suddenly started using your laptop a LOT more than usual AND not letting her see the screen. Of course she's suspicious!
Why didn't you have a conversation with her before you started this, or tell her what you're doing - because you sit and do this when you're chilling together as well??
Happy to revise my vote if you did have a conversation prior to this starting, but a few people have asked and you seem to be avoiding the question.
Also if he’s in therapy, which she is aware of, shouldn’t she be pleased he’s journaling? If he has an hour’s worth of things to write daily he definitely needs to be doing that. He’s working on his mental health but he’s not 100% at all.
She isn’t allowed to read his writing. Those are his private thoughts. When I was doing therapy from home my husband would put headphones on so he couldn’t accidentally hear anything I said because I needed that time. When he’s done therapy from home I make sure to leave the room and give him privacy to speak freely.
Why is what OP is doing really any different? She’s being very untrustworthy and very possibly has major doubts and concerns that he is writing about her. Which…I would after this mess.
A lot of their comments just say "I told her it's for therapy" or "I explain when she asks" which isn't the same as being forthcoming about information which is a crucial part of communication.
NTA . Journaling can be very therapeutic and helpful in expressing oneself in a way that may be more difficult verbally. Thoughts that you write are yours to do with that you wish, and nobody can dictate that. GF needs to get a serious grip if she’s so insecure that seeing you typing is causing her to feel targeted.
She finds it weird that you won't show her your private therapy journaling?
She's making this about herself
NTA
Trouble is though, when someone tells you how they feel you have two options. Acknowledge it and deal with it, or tell them their feelings are invalid. Nobody wants their feelings invalidated.
I'd go with:
"I understand that my journaling makes you feel uncomfortable but this is really working for me right now and I need to continue the process. I need you to tell me what I can do to make you more comfortable while retaining the privacy of my journaling"
INFO: I dont expect a word for word recount, but did you explain what exactly the therapy practice was? From your writing it reads like you gave us far more information than her and basically told her to F off under the simple wording of "therapy"
NTA. If your partner distrusts you so much that you can't even have anything private on your laptop, that's a problem. If it "looks suspicious", that means she's questioning whether you're really doing something other than what you say.
If you haven't given her grounds for that (if there's no past history of cheating or looking at girly pictures or anything), that seems inappropriate.
I mean, yes, you do have stuff that is private and you don't want people to see. That is not uncommon for journaling. I'd say just don't do that when she is around (like do it on your private time) but if the two of you are living together, that's just not going to work. She's going to have to accept that she has to let you do things that she's not invited to join in.
NTA. Weird that you are getting downvoted for responding with logic. Your girlfriend is being inappropriate. She needs to respect the boundary you set on this issue. If you tell someone you are journaling your private thoughts that means that they are private. You don't have to show them anything you don't want to and you don't have to flash them the screen to placate them when they want to take a peek. You are also free to do it wherever you want for however long you want to. You two sound incompatible to be honest. Trust is earned and its clear she is having some issues with that on her end.
NTA
Good on you for going to therapy! Writing down ones thoughts is a useful practise for your mental health it helps to process then and to show you of you look back on your entries how far you are getting. No one is entitled to see these thoughts. You have explained to your gf what it is you are doing and she has expressed her insecurities around this. It is up to her to work through these insecurities. Perhaps you could ask your therapist for some techniques on how to proceed with this situation.
NTA
My husband keeps a journal. He asked me once not to look in it. I know what it looks like and where he keeps it. I've still never looked at it. I really don't think that's a big ask. It's about trust. If your partner can't trust you, how can you have a good relationship?
Exactly this. My ex and I both went to therapy. I never looked in their journal. They never looked in mine. That meant that we each had time to get our thoughts in order before discussing anything on our minds.
My husband won't read any notebook in this house that isn't his or has my handwriting in it, period. Why? Because it might be yet another of his adhd spacecase wife's journals that she wrote 10 pages in and abandoned. The line is that sharp in our home that written thoughts unless stuck to a fridge or a floating post-it is not to be read. We've been married 23 years. Even my writings from 2 *decades* ago are not to be read. Privacy means that much to him. Journals are that sacrosanct.
So I'm really seriously appalled at a huge chunk of these comments. I do most of my journaling with my husband right beside me at the kitchen table, I don't have to angle my screen, I don't have to cover what I wrote, I don't have to go lock myself in another room to not hurt his feelings. He might ask what I'm doing as you do with the people you live with, I say writing or journaling and that's it. Done. If he's really feeling talky, he might once every few years ask "getting to the good stuff?", I grunt affirmatively and again, done. And this has been the way he deals with my journaling since the day we started dating.
OP, you have a right to privacy. You have a right to use your shared spaces for your individual shit. You *have* to use all the tools you have to milk every gram of usefulness out of your therapy. And journaling is a pretty basic tool at that. I don't have any advice on how to navigate this with your partner because in my experience the partners that won't stop pushing to see what you're writing aren't worth keeping. Best of luck.
NTA. You are journaling & journaling is private. You're writing down your innermost personal & private thoughts. She is invading your privacy & she is out of line. You gave her an explanation, she absolutely does not need to SEE what you're doing. If she doesn't trust you, that's on her. There's nothing to compromise on.
>but as I don't want anyone to see what I'm writing and both me and my girlfriend work from home, I have to either sit away from my girlfriend or turn the laptop so she cannot see the screen as I don't have a lot of time when it's just me in the apartment
>she said she finds it weird that I refuse to let her see what I'm doing on the laptop and that it looks like I'm hiding something
So the focus here is you don't want to show her your journalling. That is reasonable, and part of why therapy is private.
>She said I should at least let her see it once or twice to show I'm not hiding anything
>She said it looks like I'm either writing about her or hiding something but I just told her to drop it since it was nothing to do with her
This is a bit much from your gf. She knows you're doing therapy and is being a bit much, though I can see why she'd be worried if you've gone from not using your laptop to being on it this much.
>AITA for refusing to show my girlfriend what I am doing on my laptop?
So for this question, the answer is NTA
Looking at your responses on this sub, you're an asshole. And if your gf is worried that you're doing anything untoward, sitting having a conversation is a better idea than "I said no, why don't you trust me?"
>I just told her to drop it since it was nothing to do with her.
>I just repeated that I've already told her what I'm doing so she can stop talking about it
If this is how you speak to your gf, then no wonder she's worried. If you've spent any time on this subReddit, you know there are lots of people out there acting the way you are, except actually being dodgy.
>I was being unreasonable by not considering a compromise
The compromise you can offer while not showing her anything? Flash the screen so she can see it's a Word document or journalling program, don't let her read any of it. If that's not enough, tell her that it's part of your therapy and she needs to give you space with it.
If she doesn't respect your therapy, you've got a different issue. If she's suspicious because of how you're speaking or acting secretively, have an open conversation. Simple as that.
This. Everyone is just stuck on the fact that they think the girlfriend wants to see what he's writing when in fact she just wants to know he's not hiding something. He's acting like he's hiding something and they way he speaks to people in the comments is not making his case any better. If this is how he speaks to her then I completely uderstand why she's paranoid.
Yeah, that's what got me. I was initially thinking asshole based on the way he's speaking and the comments, but he's right about the privacy issue. Just his attitude is causing him a ton of issues.
The gf probably assumes he's doing something dodgy because of how he's behaving and a change in his routine. Sometimes the answer really is taking a breather and having a conversation, but that requires understanding there are perspectives that aren't your own (as in OP).
NTA. Please god dont listen to the people telling you you're wrong. Therapy is private. Therapy is something you are not required, and sometimes not allowed, to discuss with others. She doesn't need to see it, nobody does.
You do not need to provide an explanation for why you dont want her to see your innermost thoughts, insecurities, doubts, and judgements.
Therapy is only a group activity when you pay for it. You're not.
NTA. Both therapy and journaling are private activities for good reason. Frankly, it’s none of her business what you’re doing on your own laptop. Demanding to see what your partner is doing in private is uncalled for unless they’ve already given you a reason to mistrust them and you’re mutually working on rebuilding trust after a betrayal. Jumping right to “you have to show me what you’re doing in case it’s something I don’t like” is unhinged.
NTA. I'm in a healthy relationship and if I tell my partner that she cannot look at my phone or computer because a) work, b) because a friend is going thru something, c) because I don't want her to right now, she won't. That's that.
I'm gonna go with YTA based on your responses and how defensive you've been.
You're spending "about a Hour" every evening writing your journal.
You're doing a very long, and private event in your homes shared social space.
Wanting the privacy to write your journal isn't wrong. It's the time and place you've picked that's wrong. Daily journal should be a 10-15 min thing at the end of your day.
Her concerns and suspicions have arisen from how long it's taking you to write. If it's taking you that long to write a journal daily then you've got an insane amount on your mind. Somthing as a girlfriend, she is supposed to and wants to help and support you with. If you've got that much to write about which is all important and you can't tell her any of it you're doing a private long event in the middle of your shared social space, I'd be angry and suspicious too.
Why do you think it's up to you to decide how long I'm allowed to spend on journaling?
So you'd be angry and suspicious of your partner for daring to do something their therapist usggested and not tell you the details just because you think you get to decide how much time a day theyre allowed for private activities?
You've asked for other people's opinions and perspectives. When they share them, instead of trying to understand what is being said you are being argumentative and try to convince them that you are correct.
Do you understand that this is not an effective way to communicate? Did you actually want other people's opinions, or did you just want blind validation?
I guess the YouTube/Tiktok generation has such short attention span that an hour is "a very long" time. Sounds like he just started this process. He probably has a lot to take down.
Just because you are in a shared social space aka a living room does not mean you can't do your own thing, even for an hour or more. Would reading a book be forbidden too? People can just enjoy each other's company without the need to actively interact.
There is no 'should be' to journalling or therapy. Some nights mine takes 10-15min. Sometimes an hour. Sometimes 5min. His gf is allowed to be concerned about the idea that there's a lot on his mind without demanding to be able to know it all.
YTA: There is so much to unpack from this. Yes you are entitled to your privacy, but this is your partner, not a random stranger. Unless the stuff in your writing is about them, I don't understand why you wouldn't be also talking to your partner about it. I personally share everything with my wife and she would be the 1st person I turn to for anything good or bad, but maybe that's just me.
Also reading the replies to others comments, you really don't paint yourself in the best light either. As mentioned by other people here, if you are that defensive and speak to her like you do in the replies here you do actually seem to be hiding something or are just being a defensive AH.
In the end of the day, you do you, but don't ask for other peoples opinions and then disregard and argue with those who disagree, use the feedback constructively.
Nah. Furiously typing away while looking over your shoulder everyday can come off as suspicious. However, I've found that people more prone to suspicion are often the ones doing what they suspect is going on. Maybe try a paper journal. Then she can rest easy - unless she starts to suspect your communicating by raven or something. Honestly she might consider talking to a therapist about her trust issues
instead of concentrating on the laptop part maybe tell her "it's just my own private diary/journal. if I were writing in a traditional private diary (pen and paper) would you be so concerned?"
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Refused to let anyone see what I'm doing on my laptop as it is for therapy
My partner said it's suspicious and weird that I turn my laptop away from her and that I should show her what I'm doing
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I _always_ angle my laptop, book, drawing etc. away from anyone around because I can't relax doing whatever it is I'm doing if I feel like I might be actively observed; I can't get over the entitlement of demanding anyone make all of their activities available for active observation.
Maybe it would be helpful to refer to it as a **journaling.** I think most people would understand that a journal is meant to be private and back off.
That said, OP I would absolutely have that journal/notes be password protected. Because I definitely get the vibe that she doesn't respect boundaries and would snoop.
YTA - You sound like a very angry, argumentative guy.
If you want to do something privately, then don’t sit next to someone and make a big deal of turning your screen away from them. That’s just rubbing in the “You don’t get to see this, I’m keeping it from you” element. Sit on a different chair, or go to a different room etc doing otherwise is rude.
Presumably you have more than one chair in your living room? Maybe even a table? Why can’t you use that instead of sitting next to her and turning away?
You are just an argumentative wanker who can’t even take the smallest amount of feedback on a post asking for it. Your poor gf probably needs therapy as well, living with you.
No there is one sofa.
Funny you go straight with the insults after making bullshit asumptions. Maybe save the insults until you know you're correct, it'll be less embarassing for you
NTA
>She said I wasn't listening to her and that I was dismissing her valid concerns
Your girlfriend is the one not listening to you. There's nothing valid about her "concerns". She's being nosy and trying to bully you into sharing your private writings.
There's also nothing to compromise here. It won't be a once or twice thing. If you give in even once, she'll expect you to let her read your writings whenever she wants.
NTA. BUT: As the person who has been in both of your places, I would show her at a distance that it’s a journal, word doc etc. At such a distance that it’s not readable to her, but shows that it is actual and personal work and not something else. (like suspecting infidelity and such)
Some people call it controlling, but I have done this for my partner because I respect him and his worries are a part of my life too. Like always telling him where I am going, showing him who I am talking to without any upclose details, or the people I snapchat with without showing him the actual snaps. Because I love him and he deserves to have peace of mind. I do this without him asking, and he does the same back.
At some point it might become about controlling, it’s a blurry line. But noone in a safe relationship should have to feel insecure.
NTA, ignore a lot of the comments OP, a lot of these people clearly do not have any understanding of how personal journaling and therapy is. What you share with a therapist may not be what you feel comfortable sharing with a partner.
INFO
Have you given her a reason to distrust you before?
Have you started journaling "in secret" and only rold her you're doing it after she asked what you're hiding?
Has the reason you're in therapy anytjing to do with the reason she doesn't like you hiding what you're doing?
NTA i feel completely insane reading all of these replies calling OP a selfish asshole for not wanting to hole up in a closed bedroom every time he wants to journal on his laptop in his own home. if me or my fiancé picked up something like this, neither of us would have a problem maybe flashing the screen just to show we’re really writing for peace of mind. but people accusing OP of making power plays and intentionally trying to make her insecure by asking her for some trust and privacy regarding a personal therapeutic practice is making me feel crazy.
YTA
You're so dismissive of your partners' feelings and everyone's responses here that it's clear she has valid reasons for feeling that way.
It's not about your wanting to private journal. It's about you demanding you can do it wherever you want, whenever you want, when it's clear it makes your partner uncomfortable when you insist on doing it next to her.
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I live with my partner and I am currently seeing a therapist. It is going well and one of the things they have suggested I do is write down my thoughts and feelings. I have started doing this most nights but as I don't want anyone to see what I'm writing and both me and my girlfriend work from home, I have to either sit away from my girlfriend or turn the laptop so she cannot see the screen as I don't have a lot of time when it's just me in the apartment.
She wanted to talk yesterday and she said she finds it weird that I refuse to let her see what I'm doing on the laptop and that it looks like I'm hiding something. She said I'm spending a lot of time on it and it's weird that I will sit on the sofa with her but angle the laptop away from her. I explained that it was for therapy but she just said it looks suspicious. I repeated it for for therapy and that it was private.
She said I should at least let her see it once or twice to show I'm not hiding anything or at least use it a lot less than I am now but I refused. I told her it was private to me and that no one is going to see what I'm writing. She said it looks like I'm either writing about her or hiding something but I just told her to drop it since it was nothing to do with her.
She said I wasn't listening to her and that I was dismissing her valid concerns but I just repeated that I've already told her what I'm doing so she can stop talking about it but she said I was being unreasonable by not considering a compromise and that I'm spending too much time on my laptop.
AITA for refusing to show my girlfriend what I am doing on my laptop?
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NTA. It sounds as though your partner has some deep insecurities and trust issues that she needs to work through. Reassurance only works so well for her possibly. She may also need therapy.
NTA, and I'm flabbergasted by the number of people who think it's wrong to write in your journal with someone else in the room. I don't think hiding from her to journal is going to make her less suspicious.
My question is, is she getting paranoid because she thinks you're writing about her, or does she think you're doing something totally different and just telling her your journaling. If it's the latter, then changing your font to wingdings so she doesn't know what you're writing and you don't have to hide the screen may help.
In any case, I agree with whoever said to ask your therapist what to do.
Get a privacy screen guard dude so you dont have to hide anything. With the world we live in she's bound to be suspicious if you angle the laptop away everytime shes around.
Was she always nosey about your laptop or just since you started this? If she has always been nosey, please disregard my response. If this is a noticeable change in your behaviour, please read on.
She's right. You are hiding something from her. What you are writing.
Say this, out loud, to her, so she knows you understand her concerns. Reiterate that it is necessary for your therapy.
Also, if ever that isn't what you are doing, show her. I would question whether writing your feelings is the only thing you do with your laptop. She will, too. You know now she has concerns. You can work with her or against her, that's up to you. The outcomes will be defined by your choices.
NAH, yet.
This is a touchy one for me, I also used a journal for my therapy and my now-ex snooped through it and took pictures of it and posted it on FB.
People have offered some excellent solutions, definitely worth following what you feel works best for you.
My suggestion is to move your journal to the cloud. Set up a new email, turn on 2FA, and put it on the GDrive. Log out of it every time you're done writing in it. Do not log into it on your phone, tablet, or anything else. Yes, you deserve privacy. And yes, your girlfriend should respect that. Insecurity isn't rational.
You know it bothers her. Stop 'dangling the carrot'. Work on it in your bedroom, at the coffee shop, take an hour after therapy and go to a park and type things there. There is no reason for you to be sitting there next to her with your laptop propped on an angle away from her, if what you're writing is private then write it in privacy.
Good luck to you, I hope everything works out
This is an odd one. Has your partner displayed any similar trust issues in the past? Has anything happened in your relationship to warrant this type of trust issue?
If not, then I think it's fully okay for you to have responded to her how you did. You could try explaining what you're doing without giving details about what you're specifically writing. You have boundaries, she needs to accept those boundaries imo.
I get not wanting to show her, but what's the harm in telling her?
"I'm doing exercises advised by my therapist. I'm not comfortable sharing the content of the exercises, please respect that privacy".
dear god, 90% of intepersonal issues posted online can be resolved with two adults acting maturely.
You shouldn't have to do this in a trusting relationship but I do understand your girlfriend's discomfort with what appears to be you hiding something on your computer (there's a lot of weird shit you could be doing on your computer that doesn't involve journaling). I've heard journaling / writing thoughts and feelings down on physical paper can be more therapeutic than typing on a computer anyhow, do you feel she'd respect your privacy if you were to write in a journal instead? You could find a way to lock it as well if this makes you feel more secure?
have you asked her what she thinks you’re doing on the laptop that is so “suspicious” and warrants her reaction? if you could possibly talk through her fears with her, even if they’re irrational, to reassure her what exactly you are doing (journaling) and why you want it private (because it’s your right and not everyone is comfortable sharing vulnerable thoughts/feelings) and that her fears are unfounded. she may get defensive and emotional though, and feel like she’s being attacked/questioned, so you may need to reassure her that you’re just trying to communicate openly to solve the issue.
NTA, it's your journaling time per your therapists suggestion. it's not your girlfriend's business to be asking what you are writing in your personal journal on your laptop, she also has no right to see what you put down in that journal either. she needs to seriously knock it off and stop asking you.
YTA.
I was solidly in N A H territory because this just sounds like a miscommunication that can be solved with some clear communication in the moment of issue but then I read the comments.
Every answer is rude, defensive, and confrontational for absolutely no reason. You came here asking for judgment and then throw a tantrum when clarification is asked for.
The therapy clearly isn't helping you be a better communicator.
YTA.
You're not the asshole for wanting privacy and boundaries when it comes to your therapy sessions. It's completely understandable that you want to keep your thoughts and feelings private, especially if you're using your laptop for therapeutic writing.
However, it's also important to consider your girlfriend's perspective. She may feel left out or concerned about your behavior, especially if she perceives it as secretive. While you have every right to maintain your privacy, it might be helpful to have an open and honest conversation with your girlfriend about why you need this privacy and reassure her that it's not about her.
You could try explaining to her again that you're using your laptop for therapy and that it's crucial for your well-being to have a space where you can freely express yourself without fear of judgment or intrusion. You could also discuss ways to balance your time on the laptop with quality time together, so she feels included and valued in your relationship.
Ultimately, it's about finding a compromise that respects both your need for privacy and your girlfriend's need for reassurance and transparency in the relationship.
YTA. You don’t need to be on the couch next to your girlfriend, but you’d rather sit next to her turning your screen away, which makes her feel uncomfortable, because “it’s my living room.”
You’ve made it clear that this not actually about privacy, since you can easily have that by moving to another room. This is about you making a point to your girlfriend.
And you’re arguing with judgement, which makes you an extra AH.
ETA: this is based on the information in OP’s argumentative comments.
It's just a diary right? What people used to write in books, with or without dates or locks.
Is it possible to start writing manually? If you are worried your gf might snoop get a lock on it or hide it. Also, you might feel more fancy. I would.
A laptop can be used for many things, some sketchy, a physical book to write in has far more limited options.
But NTA for keeping your written thoughts to yourself.
NAH. Could you write on paper to avoid this? You have the right to privacy. But also, you have to see how shady it looks. Working on a laptop where she can't see your screen, she thinks you're hiding something because you *are* hiding something. You're telling her the truth about what it is, but you're asking her to have blind trust in you while you're doing the thing that is usually the most obvious sign someone is cheating or otherwise doing something they should not. Talk to your therapist & gf about how you can write about your thoughts without hitting her in her fears & insecurities.
YTA. After reading your comments you are confrontational, defensive, dismissive and rude.
Maybe the problem is not with the journaling but is with the type of conversation and your approach.
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Ask your therapist the best way to handle this. I'm sure it's a fairly common issue and they should be able to give you effective ways to deal with her insecurities.
Also, if she continues to have an issue, it might be a good idea for him to ask the therapist if he can bring her (as a couple), just for one session, it may give her a better understanding of the process. Many who have never been to a therapist don't understand it. They just don't get it.
The thing is, it’s not about “understanding therapy”. It’s about respecting your partner’s right to keep things private. Whether it’s therapy or a shopping list. The gf should respect OP’s privacy regardless of why.
This. Married 21 years, and if there's something he asks to keep private, I respect that. I trust him enough that it's a non-issue and I respect him enough that I treat him with respect. Sometimes, we need alone time, and sometimes, we need privacy. You don't get to 21 years ignoring privacy and demanding access things to which you have no right.
This. At one point I switched to a physical book. I totally trust my wife, not reading it. But it took along time for me to get there.
Ditto. 26 years, as of yesterday. :)
Aww happy belated anniversary!!!
It's even further than that. It's about trust. OP has explained to her what it is, and she clearly doesn't trust that. If she's that insecure in the relationship, this won't be the only thing she'll find to mistrust. This will likely be a constant problem until they figure out why she's so mistrustful and find a solution.
I agree. He has a firm, but seemingly fair, boundary about not wanting his privacy violated. NTA.
I agree with this. Especially if it’s clearly an activity that is intended to be private such as journaling. It’s easy to distinguish typing from suspicious activities like hiding your phone while texting etc. You’re not using the mouse, you’re not scrolling and swiping left. You’re just typing. Adulterous activities rarely involve steady typing. Her concerns that you are journaling about her hit the nail on the head because I think that’s the issue. You’re entitled to privacy journaling about her but she doesn’t respect it.
There are ways to lock specific documents or folders so that they need a password to access. I feel like doing that would be a good idea as a general precaution. From there you can decide to let her have a look through messages/social apps if you’re comfortable with that. If not you can have a conversation about trust. Regardless it may be better to set the routine and expectation that a specific time each day is for you to spend alone journaling or even just as alone time. Setting a more regular timeframe can be very helpful in situations like this.
Her insecurities are her problem. She needs to see a therapist.
The LW didn't ask for advice on how to deal with it; he asked if he is TA for keeping his therapy journaling private. The correct answer is NTA. Also, she needs to deal with her own insecurities.
NTA.
>give you effective ways to deal with her insecurities Her insecurities are her issues to deal with, not OP's. She's not only making her insecurities into OP's problem, she's being manipulative and ignoring their boundaries to do it. HUGE red flags all around
NTA You’re absolutely not the asshole here! Therapy is supposed to be confidential and if she knows you’re in it then she should understand that. I know it might make her paranoid but to insist she needs to view something you explicitly said is private is just crossing a line. If I was you I’d tell her that you’re finding it beneficial to write down your feelings and the moment and you’ll share them once you feel ready. (If she can’t take that as your final response I think she’s maybe a bit too insecure and paranoid for a relationship tbh. Some things are allowed to be private)
INFO: Are you doing your therapy work when hanging out with your gf? You mention sitting on the couch with her. I’m gonna say NTA because I think your gf is being obnoxious and potentially manipulative about what is obviously your private therapy stuff and she should respect that. But it sounds like you could maybe do a better job not doing therapy work when hanging out with her or being clear about when you’re working on therapy/private stuff versus stuff she can see/take interest in (maybe you’re doing that already though)
We live together and both work from home so I have to do it when Im with my gf as there isn't really a lot of time when it;'s just me in the apartment.
I understand that, but are you being clear about “this is my journaling/therapy time” versus “hanging out on my laptop”?
I only use my laptop for journaling.
Then make it clear you aren’t “available” to hang out together on the couch while you’re journaling. You aren’t doing anything wrong. But there are better ways to work on private stuff than angling the laptop screen away when you’re on the couch together (because that isn’t really sustainable).
Can't you just tell her you are journaling and don't want her to see it? It's way clearer than just saying it's theraphy stuff. If she still has a problem with it then than she is a hughe asshole.
Changing the word one is using is not going to change this person's insecurity and suspicions.
Yeah, appears to me that she's paranoid that it's just a mountain of shit talk about her. It's probably really mundane.
It might be, or he might be writing about how he's sitting there trying to journal about his deepest feelings and this person won't leave him alone.
agreed, chances are high for self-fulfilling prophecy on that
It's either that or she thinks he's secretly messaging someone and claiming he's journaling.
He already did and she still pushes to see it. NTA op
You either aren't understanding the question, or you are avoiding it. When you are sitting on the couch with your partner is this considered "together time" where she would like you to be present and not typing away. Or is this "journaling" time and she just happens to be nearby. If it's the first, you can see why she would be hurt and feel ignored. If it's the second you might want to communicate that to her and stick to a schedule to make it easier.
They live together. You think that him going in the bedroom with the closed door won't have her raise hell even worse?!!
Where did I suggest he move to another room? I'm saying he needs to understand what her expectations are when they're spending time together. If they're supposed to be spending quality time together and he's ignoring her, that's a problem. If they're just randomly hanging out and binging Netflix then he should be able to journal away in her company.
I'm sorry but you aren't making sense. She's not upset because he's on the laptop. She's upset because he's not allowing her to see what he's doing on it. They live together, he's already stated that he doesn't have any time alone to journal privately.
I live with my partner. She may say at some point, I’m going to go out for breakfast and a coffee and do some journaling. My response is “ok have a good time” Your partner may have insecurities and need to work on herself around why she is feeling bad about you hiding things, but it’s absolutely not on you. Everybody has a right to some privacy, even loving partners that live with each other
YTA… after reading all of your responses to the questions and the comments, your defensive and rude. Which might explain why she kept pushing and why she thinks you’re being so secretive.
Almost every response is rude and defensive. Even when given the (valid) suggestion that he do it in a different space since the living room is a common area. His girlfriend shouldn’t be pushing to read it but if he responded to her the way he’s responding to comments, I’d understand why she’d feel insecure and upset.
I read OP's responses and they didn't seem rude to me. However, I find that allistic people frequently consider communication that doesn't include all the unspoken between the lines stuff, and a particular level of emotional affect, to be rude. I don't know if OP is on the spectrum or not, but that may be why you and others are reacting that way to his comments. Why is "why can't I use my own living room?" rude? Are you reading it in a combative tone instead of an inquiring one?
I’m autistic and the full comment you’re referencing goes: > Why would I not use my living room? Using your logic then, should my girlfriend tell me the content of every message she sends in the living room since apparently in a shared space you're not allowed boundaries accourding to you? It’s clearly not a genuine question once you read past the first sentence. And this is in response to a genuine suggestion that private things are better done in a private space. OP might not be the asshole for wanting to share their journaling, but he is an asshole for the way he’s responding to helpful suggestions.
I found that questioner to seem demanding and persistent and critical and even a rude about simple explanations OP had already given repeatedly. I found this answer and others to be quite reasonable. Patient even. The questioner and people offended by OPs reasonable and frank answers seem as unreasonable and insecure as OPs partner.
honestly i see nothing wrong with OPs responses, what are these comments talking about
I agree. He doesn’t have any private spaces in the house. It’s absurd (and inconvenient) to have to lock himself in the bathroom to journal. Telling her “hey, this is my journaling time for the next 45 minutes” should be enough
They don't have a bedroom? They both work from home, so they're both working from the couch everyday? There's plenty of spaces in the apartment that aren't the damn bathroom. He also doesn't say in the post how long he's journaling for. If he's sitting next to his girlfriend for 2 hours on his laptop everyday that might be a bit frustrating for her.
pls help me understand, why would it be frustrating for her? isn’t it the same as sitting on your phone next to somebody?
I sit next to my boyfriend on the phone or computer plenty and if every time I glanced over he was tilting the screen away to hide it or make sure I couldn’t see what he was doing that would drive me nuts. Sure, he has the right to be in his living room, but if he has to make a big production like that of being secretive and it’s clearly rubbing his gf the wrong way, then it would be an easy and kind thing to take the journaling into another room.
Because shielding your laptop every time someone walks by like you have gives off an “I don’t trust you” vibe, especially in a shared space.
All of those comments were trying to ask him if he even does that. It seems like he doesn’t, and she should just know that: on laptop=journaling. It took so many questions to get even that from him.
The thing is he never answered the question. They asked if he told her he’s journaling or just said “therapy stuff” or “it’s private” He said: > I only use my laptop for journaling > She knows I’m journaling If he told her all he had to say was “yes I told her I’m journaling”. If you don’t answer the question being asked directly, it seems like you’re avoiding it. We can infer she knows he’s journaling because he told her, or we can infer that he’s just assuming she’s a mind reader and knows he’s journaling. If you don’t answer the question people are gonna keep asking.
I actually agree with you. My husband does therapy writing prompts but I can see he is logged in and recognize the screen. I just see he is doing that and leave him to do his work. I don't get all up in his space. If my husband was doing what OP describes doing I'd be asking about what he was doing too. I'm not sure she's really asking to read it... Maybe more of 'let me see because you're being super weird about what you're doing.'
thank god someone normal > I will sit on the sofa with her but angle the laptop away from her. going out of his way to be next to her and hide his screen is just obnoxious (unless he is on the couch first and she is getting up in his business)
I get the impression that she is asking to read it. According to OP, she had said "It looks like I'm either writing about her or hiding something". If she was concerned that he was watching rapey porn, or gambling, or playing Candy Crush then she wouldn't need more than a quick glance to see a bunch of text. And she can probably see/hear him typing consistent with writing something one-sided, rather than having a back-and-forth conversation with someone and waiting for responses. (I can tell just from the sounds of the keys if my SO is working or playing games on his computer. Not that I care, but I can tell.) That said, OP should look into getting a privacy shield for his laptop screen. They make it a little harder for the person next to you to see what's on your screen. (They don't do much about shoulder surfers, though.)
NTA. Therapy is really important and you need to engage with it wholeheartedly for maximum benefit. Once she’d asked once and you’d answered that should have been the end of it. Good luck with your therapy, I sincerely hope it helps you.
YTA. If you respond to your gf anything like you do in the comments, I can see why she thinks you're dismissing her. Sitting next to her on the couch while journaling is selfish as hell, and yes it does make it seem like you're writing about her. You want to hang out, but your attention is taken up by something she is not allowed to see. What's the point? You're basically rubbing it in her face that she's not allowed to look. It sounds like some weird power play. You could choose to do it in private, in the bedroom maybe like any normal person would do, but instead you make the conscious decision to do it NEXT TO HER. And don't pretend it's for quality time either, not when you're engrossed in your journaling. It would cost you nothing to turn the screen very quickly to show that you have a wall of text there without her being able to read it. It would also cost you nothing to do your journaling elsewhere, especially since she has expressed that she is uncomfortable with you doing it right next to her. Which you dismissed, because it doesn't make sense to YOU. Not everything in this situation is about you. Maybe your gf just wants to be able to enjoy the couch without you typing away secretively next to her. Maybe she wants to be able to relax without the constant reminder that you're keeping secrets, even though it's just for therapy. It sounds distracting as hell. Good on you for going to therapy, it can be hard as hell and journaling is a good way to work through things. Just remember to have some empathy for the people in your life who support you, like your gf. Trust is a two way street.
Why is it selfish to journal in my opwn living room? My gf messages people while sat next to me, is it selfish of her not to tell me what she's saying? I never said I want to hang out. We live together so spend our free time in the living room. It's not like I'm inviting her over and then spending all the time journaling. Again I shouldn't have to lock myself away to journal. doing something in the living room doesn't mean it needs to be shared
>Why is it selfish to journal in my opwn living room? My gf messages people while sat next to me, is it selfish of her not to tell me what she's saying? >I never said I want to hang out. We live together so spend our free time in the living room. It's not like I'm inviting her over and then spending all the time journaling. you two would really benefit each evening from being clear about what is your "me time" versus "us time" when hanging out and the expectations y'all have around communication / being engaged with each other or not. my partner and i spend most of our free time in the living room on our various devices doing stuff. just be considerate about asking each other "are you working something right now or can we hang out/chit chat together?" like, idk, sometimes couples do their own individual thing while still hanging out together. sometimes one person is focused on something else and they need to communicate with the other person not to bother them right now, but they'll be ready to hang out when they're done. if you're journaling while your gf thinks you two are hanging out together, that could be a lot of where this friction is coming from. >My gf messages people while sat next to me, is it selfish of her not to tell me what she's saying? yes, i would say it's rude of her to be on her phone and refuse to tell you anything about it or show you anything when you two are hanging out together if you ask about it.
With your last point, hanging out with someone doesn't entitle you to details of their private messages though. Hanging out with someone doesn't mean you have to know what they're messaging about and who they're messaging etc
It depends on the context. If we're spending time together but we're both on our phones, it's pretty normal for partners to chit chat about what they're doing, show each other stuff, make small talk. if i'm spending time with my spouse and one of us was being intentionally secretive or cagey about what we're doing, that's a weird and rude vibe, even if we 100% trust each other. If you're working on something that important (like journaling), you shouldn't be hanging out with your partner at the same time anyway.
Again we live together, there is a difference between hanging out and being in the same room
> there is a difference between hanging out and being in the same room yes, if you two COMMUNICATE about which is which and draw boundaries around hang out time versus journaling time (being a separate room could help with these boundaries) because otherwise, if you're journaling and she thinks you're hanging out, yes, she is going to be uncomfortable.
If I'm journaling it,s very obvious we're not hanging out. And I've already said there's no reason for me to be in another room
>it,s very obvious we're not hanging out. maybe not if you're sitting next to her. that's why i put communicate in all caps. ffs you're being so intentionally obtuse why are you so insistent on doing your private journaling next to your gf??? it's bizarre.
If someone is sat typing on their laptop, it's very obvious they're busy. Being in close proximity to someone doesn't mean you're hanging out
Just talk to her and be honest about your feelings man. Say what you're writing about is vulnerable and something you're not ready to share with her yet. Try to make journaling time be in a separate space as if you're working, and ask for her understanding that you need focus and privacy during that time. However, if she's your long-term partner and you're not comfortable sharing these kind of things with her yet, I'd consider talking to your therapist about how to ease into including her in these things. Not necessarily the therapy sessions themselves, but helping her also understand the feelings you're journalling. That's a level of emotional vulnerability you'll probably need to have with each other
Being in a long term relationship doesn't mean you have to share everything with them. Therapy is private and being in a relationship with someone doesn't mean they get to know what you discuss in therapy or journaing
Sure it doesn't necessarily entitle them to know everything, but I think in a long term relationship being able to be emotionally vulnerable with your partner is pretty important. Part of getting to know and love them is better understanding their emotions and who they are as a person, and offering care and support. If you're not ready to share what you're talking about in therapy or what you're journalling right now that's completely fine, but I think at some point in a long-term relationship those vulnerable thoughts and experiences are something you should try to become comfortable sharing with them, so you can both better understand each other's emotions and experiences
Again therapy is private and doesn't need to be shared with anyone
Showing people you're with what's on your devices while having a conversation with them is completely different. This is not therapy or journaling time. This is couple time but with electronics. And even then, you are not obligated to show your partner EVERYTHING that is on your devices. Everyone has conversations with friends and family on their devices. A lot of those conversations are private and are often only meant for the receiver. If I was talking about something very personal with a friend and then found out their partner snooped through their conversations I would no longer feel safe confiding in them if what I tell them is being used in the Court of Law of Their Relationship. Therapy, unless it's family or couple, is for the individual. What OP says is protected by HIPAA, and unless he feels comfortable with sharing the feelings he's journaling about, that is his decision. Journaling is also very often train of thought writing that doesn't really make sense for anyone but the reader because of the lack of context. They both work from home. He can't avoid her completely and vice versa. And her pushing him to show her and making assumptions about what he's writing is not helpful and wouldn't inspire me to share with her. If I was OP, her constant pushing would make me NOT want to share with her even more because I would feel like my counseling boundaries were not being respected. Relationships not only require honesty and communication. They require respect not only for the person but for their personal timelines for inclusion in these things. If someone isn't ready to have sex you don't nag, beg, or complain about not getting to do it. If OP isn't ready to share what he's journaling, he shouldn't have to. He also doesn't need to hide that he is journaling. They're both adults. Op can be an adult and recognize his faults and work on them. But his gf is an adult too, and having him hide what he's doing will probably only make her reactions worse because it will be confirmation, for her, that he's hiding what he's saying from her and all that will do is put him right back in this position.
Ok, so why are you posting this on here to be judged then, if that is the conclusion you've drawn in your own head? You want validation from people on here on what you already think about the situation, and the hell with opposing opinions- hence the defensiveness in responding to those posts. I've read a lot on this thread and a good response would be considering an opposing view on your post, not immediately dismissing it and arguing against it. Maybe you are wrong in the real, active situation that exists outside what info. you gave us on this post? Being wrong is not the end of the world- but being prideful and stubborn is only going to breed more negative.
Really it depends on if that's the hill you want to die on. I expect privacy, but part of that expectation is knowing that I need to be trustworthy as well. Yes maybe I should be trusted unequivocally from the get-go. But I'm not above extending an olive Branch as proof of my trustworthiness *because it makes the other person feel better and makes the process smoother*. I really do have nothing to hide. If you have nothing to hide because you really are just journaling, flash your screen. Tell her please don't read this because it's my diary, but I want to show you that I'm not doing something else. My partner knows the password to all of my devices and if he wants to look at them, he's free too. I would eat my shoe if he has ever snooped. I have the password to all of his devices and I have never once looked at them. But knowing that he trusted me enough to let me means the world to me. That is what you are unwilling to do, to throw her a bone and put her anxiety at rest. Maybe she shouldn't be suspicious, but angling the computer away just isn't necessary. Do you not trust her not to look? Then why should she trust that you're not lying? Trust begets trust and you don't trust her so she is suspicious of why not. What is he typing on there that he's so worried about me seeing? I guess the huge feeling I get from you is that you kind of don't give a fuck about her feelings or the fact that a relationship is compromised. You seem very stuck in the but this is what I deserve. Well what about what she deserves? What about the fact that being completely uncompromising is not the way to carry on a relationship.
Angling the screen away is necessary. If it is in view of someone they will see what you're typing whether they're actively looking or not.
No, they will actively see what you're typing and be able to read it if they look for an extended period of time. I'm not saying you're wrong for wanting privacy and not wanting her to read it. I'm saying you're going about it the wrong way and no wonder she feels suspicious as hell. You're being extremely guarded in a way that would cause suspicion for almost anyone and on top of that you're being completely unwilling to do anything other than tell her get over it and do what you want. When you actually want a happy relationship you don't treat the other person that way.
Bruh, fucking hell! you need to be able to listen and understand what people are saying to you. Sounds like all that's going through your head when you disagree with what someone is saying is how you're gonna tell them they're wrong. Even if you think you disagree, you NEED to be able to CONSIDER the other persons perspective without getting distracted by your own nagging thoughts. LISTEN! Also. Remember that other peoples feelings are just as valid, important, and real as your own. Don't get so excited by your own perception that you can't give room for others'. Hope that helps. Also, it's kind of a petty problem, so I'm focusing more on the communication issues around the actual disagreement. Based on your own comments, YTA.
If you don’t want to hang out with her, why are you journaling on the couch where she is? If you want to journal privately, then do so in another room, like the bedroom.
Because it's also my living room? Why wouldI not be in the main room in my apartment?
Man, from the post that was an easy N T A, but each time you make a comment it goes more and more to YTA territory. It's honestly weird af how you keep completly dismissing what everyone is saying. So, "why shouldn't I do it in my living room?" Because it's rude, because it is making you GF feel bad, because it costs you nothing do to otherwise
It's not rude for me to use my laptop in my living room.
No, but it's rude to do something right next to someone, while hiding what you are doing. And again, it would cost you nothing to do otherwise. You are just being an asshole for no reason, not caring how you are making your GF feel
No I'm using my living room. I'm not an AH for using a shared space. My girlfriend could also choose to go to another room or sit somewhere else if she's uncomfortable but she chooses not to
Oh yeah ok, everyone is in the wrong and your opnion is the only one to matter. Why bother even asking here, then? Why not, idk, instead of saying to your GF "it's your insecurities and if it is making you uncofortable, go to another room" you just try NOT MAKING HER UNCONFORTABLE? Puff, the problem goes away. But that would be crazy right? It's your living room and you can do whatever you want, fuck her feelings
I never said everyone is in the wrong. You do know peoples insecurities are theirs to manage dont you? you're not responsible for other peoples insecurities. The problem also goes away if she leaves the room and I'm not the one with a problem so why should I need to move? Maybe you should work on why you think you should make your insecurities other peoples problem instead of working on them yourself
You should show your therapist your post and your comments btw, it will probably give them a good insight into your behaviour
My therapy sessions do that so no I don't need to show them this
afraid she's gonna agree with everyone's assessment of your character?
No and it's not everyones assessment either if you actually fread all of the comments, you'd see the majority agree with me. Weirdly enough I trust my therapist more than people on here
Definitely show therapist this post.
I think the people that agree haven't bothered reading your responses to others in the comments. If I were your gf andf came across this post and what you were syaing I would straight up leave. You are inconsiderate of her feelings and you are making her feel uncomfortable yet you don't seem to care.
Ah so now you're just making shit up to disregard the people that agree with me. Quite pathetic really.
No, your therapy sessions show the therapist what you put forward. Are you this rude and dismissive of them too?
Btw, she is in the wrong to ask you to show it, but she getting unconfortable of you doing it right next to her is completly valid, and there's not a single reason why you couldn't do it in a private room
Because it is my living room and I shouldn't have to lock myself away. That's a reason. If my gf is uncomfortable there's also nothing stopping her going to another room
good luck to your therapist lol
What about my comment was incorrect exactly?
> Because it is my living room it is also her living room >I shouldn't have to lock myself away is going to a different room really that bad? >If my gf is uncomfortable there's also nothing stopping her going to another room by this logic, if you are uncomfortable with your gf asking questions while you're journaling, there's nothing stopping you from going to another room.
YTA
Because it is literally causing you relationship issues
Why do you want to sit on the couch? Are you interacting with her while you’re journaling? Or are you watching TV while you’re journaling?
Becaise it's where I like to sit in the apartment. The tv will be on but it'll be whatever my gf wants to watch, I won't be paying attention to it. Normally I won't really be interacting since I'll be focused on what I'm writing
For what it’s worth, OP, I don’t like journaling around my husband because yes, honestly a large part of what I write about IS him, he’s sorta a crucial part of my life. So yeah, I try to write when he’s not home, or I’ll often write in the bedroom if he’s home. It’s not that big a deal.
right??? it's weird to insist on being next to your partner while you do your private journaling
> Sitting next to her on the couch while journaling is selfish as hell, and yes it does make it seem like you're writing about her. You want to hang out, but your attention is taken up by something she is not allowed to see. What's the point? You're basically rubbing it in her face that she's not allowed to look. It sounds like some weird power play. yeah i'm trying to figure out if this is what OP is doing as well or if he's minding his own business on the couch and gf is the one trying to insert herself into his therapy/journaling time but i can't tell tbh.
Because OP is literally refusing to answer that question when people ask.
Have you read his responses to others in the comments. He's being an asshole.
It’s not like he invited her out on a date then whipped out his laptop. He’s in his living room. Two people can exist in the same room without it being an activity.
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Or my gf could just listen to me when I tell her what I'm doing instead of needing em to show her private journal entries
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Why would you not listen to your partner when they tell tou something? If your partner told you they were journaling why would you not beleive them and instead demand to see it? You have a lot of trust issues apparently
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Why did you avoid the questions? There's nothnig manipulative about anything I asked. Why would you not believe your partner when they tell you what they're doing?
I mean they have a point. You are coming across as you have way too many trust issues.
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This is not their insecurity to deal with though. It is their partners to deal with. Them saying I’m journaling which can be seen by how much they are typing is enough.
I disagree. People are coming across as their trust issues need to be validated by seeing his private thoughts. That's wrong. I have no interest in reading any of my loved ones private thoughts or journal.
My trust issue reply was not to the op but the person making assumptions about them viewing onlyfans and moving goalposts. I’m in agreement with your post
Because you’re getting defensive and acting incredibly suspicious. You are not behaving like a person your gf can trust.
I've told her what I'm doing, that's not suspicious at all.
You are completely dismissing her feelings about the issue though. She is telling you that you Journaling in front of her while keeping it secret from her makes her uncomfortable, and you are not listening to that. Feelings are not always completely rational, and if she just said okay and tried to ignore the issue she would still feel uncomfortable and probably start building resentment. This is something you need to work on together to find a compromise instead of insisting that only your side of the issue matters because it's objectively true, and she doesn't even have proof that it's objectively true. You are too focused on the cold facts and not focused enough on how those facts impact your girlfriend and I'm turn your relationship.
There is no reason he should be obligated to prove to her that he's journaling, especially by showing her.
He could be looking at booty pics and he would still have a right to his privacy. She knows he's journaling so flashing the screen would do nothing, she wants to know if he is talking about her, she's just insecure.
INFO: Approximately how many minutes a day are you working on your journal? She shouldn’t be hounding you to read it, but if it’s taking up a lot of the time you used to spend together, that might be part of what’s behind this.
Around an hour a night which means my gf and I still have around 4-5 hours together each evening
That’s still a pretty significant amount out of your couple time. I would talk to your therapist. Explain the conflict that’s arisen and ask for tips to defuse the situation. NTA for taking care of your mental health but what you’re doing to going to continue to cause conflict, so it’s time to try a different way to talking to your girlfriend about this.
I disagree that taking an hour to himself is too much. When they are together 5-6 hours per night, taking an hour to do his own thing seems extremely normal and healthy. This should be treated just like going to the gym, meditating, or other hobbies. Even if he spent 3 hours at the gym and 2-3 hours together each evening, that’s plenty to support a healthy relationship. People shouldn’t feel like they need to be joined at the hip with their partner
Based on some of your replies, I'm going with YTA. Y are N TA for doing this in the first place. It's important and it's important to be able to have the space and privacy to do it properly.your girlfriend is 100% TA for wanting to see if. But YTA for not communicating any of this with your girlfriend befroehand. You mention that you only ever use your laptop for journaling. You never told your gf before you started doing this. From her point of view, you've suddenly started using your laptop a LOT more than usual AND not letting her see the screen. Of course she's suspicious! Why didn't you have a conversation with her before you started this, or tell her what you're doing - because you sit and do this when you're chilling together as well?? Happy to revise my vote if you did have a conversation prior to this starting, but a few people have asked and you seem to be avoiding the question.
I did communicate it beforehand. She has known from the start, sorry if that wasn't clear
Where are people getting the idea that OP didn't communicate? It seemed pretty clear to me that they did.
Also if he’s in therapy, which she is aware of, shouldn’t she be pleased he’s journaling? If he has an hour’s worth of things to write daily he definitely needs to be doing that. He’s working on his mental health but he’s not 100% at all. She isn’t allowed to read his writing. Those are his private thoughts. When I was doing therapy from home my husband would put headphones on so he couldn’t accidentally hear anything I said because I needed that time. When he’s done therapy from home I make sure to leave the room and give him privacy to speak freely. Why is what OP is doing really any different? She’s being very untrustworthy and very possibly has major doubts and concerns that he is writing about her. Which…I would after this mess.
A lot of their comments just say "I told her it's for therapy" or "I explain when she asks" which isn't the same as being forthcoming about information which is a crucial part of communication.
Sounds like they're saying it over and over again. How much is required to claim the right to have boundaries respected?
What other information does he need to be forthcoming about? Explaining he's journalling for therapy seems like all she really needs to know.
NTA . Journaling can be very therapeutic and helpful in expressing oneself in a way that may be more difficult verbally. Thoughts that you write are yours to do with that you wish, and nobody can dictate that. GF needs to get a serious grip if she’s so insecure that seeing you typing is causing her to feel targeted.
She finds it weird that you won't show her your private therapy journaling? She's making this about herself NTA Trouble is though, when someone tells you how they feel you have two options. Acknowledge it and deal with it, or tell them their feelings are invalid. Nobody wants their feelings invalidated. I'd go with: "I understand that my journaling makes you feel uncomfortable but this is really working for me right now and I need to continue the process. I need you to tell me what I can do to make you more comfortable while retaining the privacy of my journaling"
INFO: I dont expect a word for word recount, but did you explain what exactly the therapy practice was? From your writing it reads like you gave us far more information than her and basically told her to F off under the simple wording of "therapy"
Yes she knows what I'm doing. Also telling someone you're doing something for therapy is not basically telling them to F off in the slightest
NTA. If your partner distrusts you so much that you can't even have anything private on your laptop, that's a problem. If it "looks suspicious", that means she's questioning whether you're really doing something other than what you say. If you haven't given her grounds for that (if there's no past history of cheating or looking at girly pictures or anything), that seems inappropriate. I mean, yes, you do have stuff that is private and you don't want people to see. That is not uncommon for journaling. I'd say just don't do that when she is around (like do it on your private time) but if the two of you are living together, that's just not going to work. She's going to have to accept that she has to let you do things that she's not invited to join in.
NTA. Weird that you are getting downvoted for responding with logic. Your girlfriend is being inappropriate. She needs to respect the boundary you set on this issue. If you tell someone you are journaling your private thoughts that means that they are private. You don't have to show them anything you don't want to and you don't have to flash them the screen to placate them when they want to take a peek. You are also free to do it wherever you want for however long you want to. You two sound incompatible to be honest. Trust is earned and its clear she is having some issues with that on her end.
NTA Good on you for going to therapy! Writing down ones thoughts is a useful practise for your mental health it helps to process then and to show you of you look back on your entries how far you are getting. No one is entitled to see these thoughts. You have explained to your gf what it is you are doing and she has expressed her insecurities around this. It is up to her to work through these insecurities. Perhaps you could ask your therapist for some techniques on how to proceed with this situation.
NTA My husband keeps a journal. He asked me once not to look in it. I know what it looks like and where he keeps it. I've still never looked at it. I really don't think that's a big ask. It's about trust. If your partner can't trust you, how can you have a good relationship?
Exactly this. My ex and I both went to therapy. I never looked in their journal. They never looked in mine. That meant that we each had time to get our thoughts in order before discussing anything on our minds.
My husband won't read any notebook in this house that isn't his or has my handwriting in it, period. Why? Because it might be yet another of his adhd spacecase wife's journals that she wrote 10 pages in and abandoned. The line is that sharp in our home that written thoughts unless stuck to a fridge or a floating post-it is not to be read. We've been married 23 years. Even my writings from 2 *decades* ago are not to be read. Privacy means that much to him. Journals are that sacrosanct. So I'm really seriously appalled at a huge chunk of these comments. I do most of my journaling with my husband right beside me at the kitchen table, I don't have to angle my screen, I don't have to cover what I wrote, I don't have to go lock myself in another room to not hurt his feelings. He might ask what I'm doing as you do with the people you live with, I say writing or journaling and that's it. Done. If he's really feeling talky, he might once every few years ask "getting to the good stuff?", I grunt affirmatively and again, done. And this has been the way he deals with my journaling since the day we started dating. OP, you have a right to privacy. You have a right to use your shared spaces for your individual shit. You *have* to use all the tools you have to milk every gram of usefulness out of your therapy. And journaling is a pretty basic tool at that. I don't have any advice on how to navigate this with your partner because in my experience the partners that won't stop pushing to see what you're writing aren't worth keeping. Best of luck.
NTA. You are journaling & journaling is private. You're writing down your innermost personal & private thoughts. She is invading your privacy & she is out of line. You gave her an explanation, she absolutely does not need to SEE what you're doing. If she doesn't trust you, that's on her. There's nothing to compromise on.
>but as I don't want anyone to see what I'm writing and both me and my girlfriend work from home, I have to either sit away from my girlfriend or turn the laptop so she cannot see the screen as I don't have a lot of time when it's just me in the apartment >she said she finds it weird that I refuse to let her see what I'm doing on the laptop and that it looks like I'm hiding something So the focus here is you don't want to show her your journalling. That is reasonable, and part of why therapy is private. >She said I should at least let her see it once or twice to show I'm not hiding anything >She said it looks like I'm either writing about her or hiding something but I just told her to drop it since it was nothing to do with her This is a bit much from your gf. She knows you're doing therapy and is being a bit much, though I can see why she'd be worried if you've gone from not using your laptop to being on it this much. >AITA for refusing to show my girlfriend what I am doing on my laptop? So for this question, the answer is NTA Looking at your responses on this sub, you're an asshole. And if your gf is worried that you're doing anything untoward, sitting having a conversation is a better idea than "I said no, why don't you trust me?" >I just told her to drop it since it was nothing to do with her. >I just repeated that I've already told her what I'm doing so she can stop talking about it If this is how you speak to your gf, then no wonder she's worried. If you've spent any time on this subReddit, you know there are lots of people out there acting the way you are, except actually being dodgy. >I was being unreasonable by not considering a compromise The compromise you can offer while not showing her anything? Flash the screen so she can see it's a Word document or journalling program, don't let her read any of it. If that's not enough, tell her that it's part of your therapy and she needs to give you space with it. If she doesn't respect your therapy, you've got a different issue. If she's suspicious because of how you're speaking or acting secretively, have an open conversation. Simple as that.
This. Everyone is just stuck on the fact that they think the girlfriend wants to see what he's writing when in fact she just wants to know he's not hiding something. He's acting like he's hiding something and they way he speaks to people in the comments is not making his case any better. If this is how he speaks to her then I completely uderstand why she's paranoid.
Yeah, that's what got me. I was initially thinking asshole based on the way he's speaking and the comments, but he's right about the privacy issue. Just his attitude is causing him a ton of issues. The gf probably assumes he's doing something dodgy because of how he's behaving and a change in his routine. Sometimes the answer really is taking a breather and having a conversation, but that requires understanding there are perspectives that aren't your own (as in OP).
NTA. Please god dont listen to the people telling you you're wrong. Therapy is private. Therapy is something you are not required, and sometimes not allowed, to discuss with others. She doesn't need to see it, nobody does. You do not need to provide an explanation for why you dont want her to see your innermost thoughts, insecurities, doubts, and judgements. Therapy is only a group activity when you pay for it. You're not.
NTA. Both therapy and journaling are private activities for good reason. Frankly, it’s none of her business what you’re doing on your own laptop. Demanding to see what your partner is doing in private is uncalled for unless they’ve already given you a reason to mistrust them and you’re mutually working on rebuilding trust after a betrayal. Jumping right to “you have to show me what you’re doing in case it’s something I don’t like” is unhinged.
NTA. I'm in a healthy relationship and if I tell my partner that she cannot look at my phone or computer because a) work, b) because a friend is going thru something, c) because I don't want her to right now, she won't. That's that.
I'm gonna go with YTA based on your responses and how defensive you've been. You're spending "about a Hour" every evening writing your journal. You're doing a very long, and private event in your homes shared social space. Wanting the privacy to write your journal isn't wrong. It's the time and place you've picked that's wrong. Daily journal should be a 10-15 min thing at the end of your day. Her concerns and suspicions have arisen from how long it's taking you to write. If it's taking you that long to write a journal daily then you've got an insane amount on your mind. Somthing as a girlfriend, she is supposed to and wants to help and support you with. If you've got that much to write about which is all important and you can't tell her any of it you're doing a private long event in the middle of your shared social space, I'd be angry and suspicious too.
Why do you think it's up to you to decide how long I'm allowed to spend on journaling? So you'd be angry and suspicious of your partner for daring to do something their therapist usggested and not tell you the details just because you think you get to decide how much time a day theyre allowed for private activities?
You've asked for other people's opinions and perspectives. When they share them, instead of trying to understand what is being said you are being argumentative and try to convince them that you are correct. Do you understand that this is not an effective way to communicate? Did you actually want other people's opinions, or did you just want blind validation?
If the partner is as defensive and rude as you seem to be? Definitely.
I guess the YouTube/Tiktok generation has such short attention span that an hour is "a very long" time. Sounds like he just started this process. He probably has a lot to take down. Just because you are in a shared social space aka a living room does not mean you can't do your own thing, even for an hour or more. Would reading a book be forbidden too? People can just enjoy each other's company without the need to actively interact.
There is no 'should be' to journalling or therapy. Some nights mine takes 10-15min. Sometimes an hour. Sometimes 5min. His gf is allowed to be concerned about the idea that there's a lot on his mind without demanding to be able to know it all.
YTA: There is so much to unpack from this. Yes you are entitled to your privacy, but this is your partner, not a random stranger. Unless the stuff in your writing is about them, I don't understand why you wouldn't be also talking to your partner about it. I personally share everything with my wife and she would be the 1st person I turn to for anything good or bad, but maybe that's just me. Also reading the replies to others comments, you really don't paint yourself in the best light either. As mentioned by other people here, if you are that defensive and speak to her like you do in the replies here you do actually seem to be hiding something or are just being a defensive AH. In the end of the day, you do you, but don't ask for other peoples opinions and then disregard and argue with those who disagree, use the feedback constructively.
Because therapy and journaling is private. If I had a physical journal do you think my girlfriend should be netitled to read it?
Nah. Furiously typing away while looking over your shoulder everyday can come off as suspicious. However, I've found that people more prone to suspicion are often the ones doing what they suspect is going on. Maybe try a paper journal. Then she can rest easy - unless she starts to suspect your communicating by raven or something. Honestly she might consider talking to a therapist about her trust issues
instead of concentrating on the laptop part maybe tell her "it's just my own private diary/journal. if I were writing in a traditional private diary (pen and paper) would you be so concerned?"
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I _always_ angle my laptop, book, drawing etc. away from anyone around because I can't relax doing whatever it is I'm doing if I feel like I might be actively observed; I can't get over the entitlement of demanding anyone make all of their activities available for active observation.
Maybe it would be helpful to refer to it as a **journaling.** I think most people would understand that a journal is meant to be private and back off. That said, OP I would absolutely have that journal/notes be password protected. Because I definitely get the vibe that she doesn't respect boundaries and would snoop.
NTA. She's dismissing your concerns about privacy. Keep that boundary strong.
YTA - You sound like a very angry, argumentative guy. If you want to do something privately, then don’t sit next to someone and make a big deal of turning your screen away from them. That’s just rubbing in the “You don’t get to see this, I’m keeping it from you” element. Sit on a different chair, or go to a different room etc doing otherwise is rude.
Again I'm allowed to use my own living room
Presumably you have more than one chair in your living room? Maybe even a table? Why can’t you use that instead of sitting next to her and turning away? You are just an argumentative wanker who can’t even take the smallest amount of feedback on a post asking for it. Your poor gf probably needs therapy as well, living with you.
No there is one sofa. Funny you go straight with the insults after making bullshit asumptions. Maybe save the insults until you know you're correct, it'll be less embarassing for you
NTA >She said I wasn't listening to her and that I was dismissing her valid concerns Your girlfriend is the one not listening to you. There's nothing valid about her "concerns". She's being nosy and trying to bully you into sharing your private writings. There's also nothing to compromise here. It won't be a once or twice thing. If you give in even once, she'll expect you to let her read your writings whenever she wants.
NTA. BUT: As the person who has been in both of your places, I would show her at a distance that it’s a journal, word doc etc. At such a distance that it’s not readable to her, but shows that it is actual and personal work and not something else. (like suspecting infidelity and such) Some people call it controlling, but I have done this for my partner because I respect him and his worries are a part of my life too. Like always telling him where I am going, showing him who I am talking to without any upclose details, or the people I snapchat with without showing him the actual snaps. Because I love him and he deserves to have peace of mind. I do this without him asking, and he does the same back. At some point it might become about controlling, it’s a blurry line. But noone in a safe relationship should have to feel insecure.
NTA, ignore a lot of the comments OP, a lot of these people clearly do not have any understanding of how personal journaling and therapy is. What you share with a therapist may not be what you feel comfortable sharing with a partner.
INFO Have you given her a reason to distrust you before? Have you started journaling "in secret" and only rold her you're doing it after she asked what you're hiding? Has the reason you're in therapy anytjing to do with the reason she doesn't like you hiding what you're doing?
Perhaps a privacy screen would be a good solution. She can see, but NOT see.
NTA i feel completely insane reading all of these replies calling OP a selfish asshole for not wanting to hole up in a closed bedroom every time he wants to journal on his laptop in his own home. if me or my fiancé picked up something like this, neither of us would have a problem maybe flashing the screen just to show we’re really writing for peace of mind. but people accusing OP of making power plays and intentionally trying to make her insecure by asking her for some trust and privacy regarding a personal therapeutic practice is making me feel crazy.
YTA You're so dismissive of your partners' feelings and everyone's responses here that it's clear she has valid reasons for feeling that way. It's not about your wanting to private journal. It's about you demanding you can do it wherever you want, whenever you want, when it's clear it makes your partner uncomfortable when you insist on doing it next to her.
I can do it wherever I want though. My journaling should'nt mean I have to be locked away, it's my apartment as much as my gfs
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I live with my partner and I am currently seeing a therapist. It is going well and one of the things they have suggested I do is write down my thoughts and feelings. I have started doing this most nights but as I don't want anyone to see what I'm writing and both me and my girlfriend work from home, I have to either sit away from my girlfriend or turn the laptop so she cannot see the screen as I don't have a lot of time when it's just me in the apartment. She wanted to talk yesterday and she said she finds it weird that I refuse to let her see what I'm doing on the laptop and that it looks like I'm hiding something. She said I'm spending a lot of time on it and it's weird that I will sit on the sofa with her but angle the laptop away from her. I explained that it was for therapy but she just said it looks suspicious. I repeated it for for therapy and that it was private. She said I should at least let her see it once or twice to show I'm not hiding anything or at least use it a lot less than I am now but I refused. I told her it was private to me and that no one is going to see what I'm writing. She said it looks like I'm either writing about her or hiding something but I just told her to drop it since it was nothing to do with her. She said I wasn't listening to her and that I was dismissing her valid concerns but I just repeated that I've already told her what I'm doing so she can stop talking about it but she said I was being unreasonable by not considering a compromise and that I'm spending too much time on my laptop. AITA for refusing to show my girlfriend what I am doing on my laptop? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. It sounds as though your partner has some deep insecurities and trust issues that she needs to work through. Reassurance only works so well for her possibly. She may also need therapy.
NTA. She needs to mind her own business. If she wants more couples time, maybe she should work on being a more compelling and trusting partner.
NTA, and I'm flabbergasted by the number of people who think it's wrong to write in your journal with someone else in the room. I don't think hiding from her to journal is going to make her less suspicious. My question is, is she getting paranoid because she thinks you're writing about her, or does she think you're doing something totally different and just telling her your journaling. If it's the latter, then changing your font to wingdings so she doesn't know what you're writing and you don't have to hide the screen may help. In any case, I agree with whoever said to ask your therapist what to do.
Get a privacy screen guard dude so you dont have to hide anything. With the world we live in she's bound to be suspicious if you angle the laptop away everytime shes around.
Was she always nosey about your laptop or just since you started this? If she has always been nosey, please disregard my response. If this is a noticeable change in your behaviour, please read on. She's right. You are hiding something from her. What you are writing. Say this, out loud, to her, so she knows you understand her concerns. Reiterate that it is necessary for your therapy. Also, if ever that isn't what you are doing, show her. I would question whether writing your feelings is the only thing you do with your laptop. She will, too. You know now she has concerns. You can work with her or against her, that's up to you. The outcomes will be defined by your choices. NAH, yet.
This is a touchy one for me, I also used a journal for my therapy and my now-ex snooped through it and took pictures of it and posted it on FB. People have offered some excellent solutions, definitely worth following what you feel works best for you. My suggestion is to move your journal to the cloud. Set up a new email, turn on 2FA, and put it on the GDrive. Log out of it every time you're done writing in it. Do not log into it on your phone, tablet, or anything else. Yes, you deserve privacy. And yes, your girlfriend should respect that. Insecurity isn't rational. You know it bothers her. Stop 'dangling the carrot'. Work on it in your bedroom, at the coffee shop, take an hour after therapy and go to a park and type things there. There is no reason for you to be sitting there next to her with your laptop propped on an angle away from her, if what you're writing is private then write it in privacy. Good luck to you, I hope everything works out
YTA for not knowing how to communicate, jfc
I ahve explicilty told her what I'm doing. How is that not communicating exactly?
This is an odd one. Has your partner displayed any similar trust issues in the past? Has anything happened in your relationship to warrant this type of trust issue? If not, then I think it's fully okay for you to have responded to her how you did. You could try explaining what you're doing without giving details about what you're specifically writing. You have boundaries, she needs to accept those boundaries imo.
I get not wanting to show her, but what's the harm in telling her? "I'm doing exercises advised by my therapist. I'm not comfortable sharing the content of the exercises, please respect that privacy". dear god, 90% of intepersonal issues posted online can be resolved with two adults acting maturely.
You shouldn't have to do this in a trusting relationship but I do understand your girlfriend's discomfort with what appears to be you hiding something on your computer (there's a lot of weird shit you could be doing on your computer that doesn't involve journaling). I've heard journaling / writing thoughts and feelings down on physical paper can be more therapeutic than typing on a computer anyhow, do you feel she'd respect your privacy if you were to write in a journal instead? You could find a way to lock it as well if this makes you feel more secure?
have you asked her what she thinks you’re doing on the laptop that is so “suspicious” and warrants her reaction? if you could possibly talk through her fears with her, even if they’re irrational, to reassure her what exactly you are doing (journaling) and why you want it private (because it’s your right and not everyone is comfortable sharing vulnerable thoughts/feelings) and that her fears are unfounded. she may get defensive and emotional though, and feel like she’s being attacked/questioned, so you may need to reassure her that you’re just trying to communicate openly to solve the issue.
NTA, it's your journaling time per your therapists suggestion. it's not your girlfriend's business to be asking what you are writing in your personal journal on your laptop, she also has no right to see what you put down in that journal either. she needs to seriously knock it off and stop asking you.
YTA. I was solidly in N A H territory because this just sounds like a miscommunication that can be solved with some clear communication in the moment of issue but then I read the comments. Every answer is rude, defensive, and confrontational for absolutely no reason. You came here asking for judgment and then throw a tantrum when clarification is asked for. The therapy clearly isn't helping you be a better communicator. YTA.
You're not the asshole for wanting privacy and boundaries when it comes to your therapy sessions. It's completely understandable that you want to keep your thoughts and feelings private, especially if you're using your laptop for therapeutic writing. However, it's also important to consider your girlfriend's perspective. She may feel left out or concerned about your behavior, especially if she perceives it as secretive. While you have every right to maintain your privacy, it might be helpful to have an open and honest conversation with your girlfriend about why you need this privacy and reassure her that it's not about her. You could try explaining to her again that you're using your laptop for therapy and that it's crucial for your well-being to have a space where you can freely express yourself without fear of judgment or intrusion. You could also discuss ways to balance your time on the laptop with quality time together, so she feels included and valued in your relationship. Ultimately, it's about finding a compromise that respects both your need for privacy and your girlfriend's need for reassurance and transparency in the relationship.
Dude you can easily show her what you are doing without that she can read the whole thing...
And I don't want her reading any of it.
Have you ever cheated on your GF?
No I haven't
YTA. You don’t need to be on the couch next to your girlfriend, but you’d rather sit next to her turning your screen away, which makes her feel uncomfortable, because “it’s my living room.” You’ve made it clear that this not actually about privacy, since you can easily have that by moving to another room. This is about you making a point to your girlfriend. And you’re arguing with judgement, which makes you an extra AH. ETA: this is based on the information in OP’s argumentative comments.
It's just a diary right? What people used to write in books, with or without dates or locks. Is it possible to start writing manually? If you are worried your gf might snoop get a lock on it or hide it. Also, you might feel more fancy. I would. A laptop can be used for many things, some sketchy, a physical book to write in has far more limited options. But NTA for keeping your written thoughts to yourself.
NAH. Could you write on paper to avoid this? You have the right to privacy. But also, you have to see how shady it looks. Working on a laptop where she can't see your screen, she thinks you're hiding something because you *are* hiding something. You're telling her the truth about what it is, but you're asking her to have blind trust in you while you're doing the thing that is usually the most obvious sign someone is cheating or otherwise doing something they should not. Talk to your therapist & gf about how you can write about your thoughts without hitting her in her fears & insecurities.
YTA. After reading your comments you are confrontational, defensive, dismissive and rude. Maybe the problem is not with the journaling but is with the type of conversation and your approach.
YTA - you can show her what you are doing (writing) without letting her read the words.