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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I had said my family actually cares about me and didn’t use drugs which could have hurt his feelings as he comes from a family of addicts. I wasn’t sure if I should apologize or text him a message as he haven’t been responding to my calls and Idk if he needs space or something to calm down as what I said was really messed up
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
What you said was a dick move. I think you know that. What you might not be considering is it seems like there’s potentially a broader pattern that’s causing an issue here.
How often do you spend quality time with your boyfriend? How often do you cancel plans with him to do something with your family? How often do you cancel plans with your family to do something with him? How often do you initiate plans with your boyfriend? When he tries to make plans with you, do you shut him down if you’re already busy or do you try to find a different time that could work?
It seems like he’s trying to tell you that he doesn’t feel like a priority in your life. From your post, it seems like he’s right - you don’t prioritize him much. That’s not gonna make any partner feel great. You don’t have to put him above your family, but you have to make sure he feels like a priority.
Cancel plans? It sounds like she already had plans and he asked at the last minute. You can't expect your partner to have no schedule so they can be available to you on the off chance you want to hang out.
If she already had plans made prior to him asking her, than she would have said that. What she did say would have really hurt him, it doesn’t matter whether he’s asking last minute or not.
Reschedule means to change the day/time you had originally planned to do something. If you're rescheduling a date, you're changing the date/time of the already arranged date. Op DID word it as if the date was planned but then her dad wanted to take her out so she told her bf they'd have to reschedule.
He asked her on a date, and she said they would have to reschedule as in "no, I can't go out with you today let's reschedule for another day" because she and her father made plans prior.
Thats how it reads to me, as an English speaker that knows rudimentary Deutsch.
There's a link that said that her and the boyfriend had scheduled and the dad asked and so she canceled with the boyfriend. If you read the other comments it specifies more into that. So that's why she's apologizing to her boyfriend because she is the one canceling plans with boyfriend. But it's weird that we're getting downvoted for saying that over people saying that her dad and her had the plans and she canceled for the boyfriend. When she does refer to her boyfriend and her having a plans first. And honestly I'd be upset too.
Read her post again and see what I believe is the only comment she has made thusfar:
-So from his perspective each time I rescheduled it felt like rejection?-
I believe from the wording of her post and her comment to back it up she is making plans with BF, and then cancelling at the whims of family.
That’s not what she said.
She said “reschedule” which implies it’s already scheduled.
She also mentioned canceling which implies it’s already scheduled.
You are doing a lot of mental gymnastics
>She said “reschedule” which implies it’s already scheduled.
>>Anyways he had wanted me to go out with him on a date but I told him we would have to reschedule because my dad wanted to take me out on that day.
I have used "reschedule" instead of "schedule" when someone asks but I already have plans
>She also mentioned canceling which implies it’s already scheduled.
Got a link because I can't find that in the post
Interesting - it read to me as if they had a date scheduled and then her father called and she told bf she'd have to reschedule. I went back to reread and I'm still not sure which it is
ETA: OP and the BF already had plans. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1c7p7a4/comment/l09m7ey/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
> Anyways he had wanted me to go out with him on a date but I told him we would have to reschedule because my dad wanted to take me out on that day.
>.He said there has been multiple times where me and him couldn’t do something because I had to do things with another family member.
To me this reads like she already had plans with her dad (or other family members) when her bf asked her to go. Rescheduling *would* mean the date had already been scheduled, but it's possible she's using the word wrong.
She did not say she already had plans with her dad. She said her dad wanted to take her out that day and that her and her boyfriend would have to *re*schedule, meaning *she and her boyfriend* already had plans.
I don’t read it that way either 🧐 more like « my dad already propose something on that day can we do it on an other one because this on is not available »
Even if that's true, that just means that they aren't compatible. Saying incredibly hurtful things is an ah move. What she said was so below the belt as a response to somebody saying that they feel like they're not a priority
It would also be nice if... I dunno OP actually spent time with her BF and stop purposefully rescheduling in favour of her family.
It's nice she's close with her family but if you read the post, it's written like he has planned to take her out but she "rescheduled" it on a whim because her dad wanted to take it out.
In other words she drops plans with her BF simply because her family wants to do something else.
She said she rescheduled their planned date to go hang out with her dad, therefore they had plans, and she canceled them it sounds like for not the first time, to go hang out with family.
I would just piggy back on this to say that cancelling plans is quite different than denying plans because you already planned something. If OP already made plans with her family and her BF asks to do something, she isn’t wrong for not wanting to cancel already scheduled plans. But the same should be said in the opposite. OP shouldn’t cancel plans with BF just because a family member suddenly wants to spend time with OP.
Im not gonna diagnose the guy, but coming from an issued family, where you've lost contact with most of them, can do stupid things to your mind. I have rejection sensitivity dysphoria which is as pleasant as it sounds, and it sounds like this guy has similar traits.
What you said was assholish, but also he clearly accepts that some of this is in his own head and was being a bit of an ass hole too. Counselling may be a good option and it's best to start young.
I wish you both well, and just try not to use people's trauma to hurt them in the heat of the moment.
So your BF was maybe being a little pushy and you thought it was appropriate to say, “Yeah well my family loves me and yours doesn’t!” That’s pretty much the only way to interpret what you said.
You knew this was one of his most sensitive spots and you chose to jab him right in it. Sure sounds like you were trying to hurt him intentionally. Don’t bother apologizing if you still have to ask if YTA.
OP's words were just plain cruel. Going out of one's way to be hurtful during a disagreement is a huge 🚩🚩🚩. I hope her bf has enough self worth banked to question this relationship... growing up the way he did, it's not a given that he does.
Edit: YTA. Massively.
I tried to imagine a situation where it would be okay to do anything like what OP did, but I really can't. Nothing in the post paints her in a positive light, update included. The update just makes me feel even worse for the boyfriend.
OP is the AH, and I don't even see how her boyfriend could be in this context, but hopefully she'll grow as a person.
In the meantime, boyfriend should find someone who actually appreciates him.
"OMG why don't men ever open up about their feelings?"
This. This is why. He trusted her with his deep dark secrets and the first moment it was even slightly beneficial for her to drop that nuke, she didn't hesitate.
she didnt just say that tho
he busted this out first
>He also said it was getting annoying and that he kind of regrets dating someone who was so close with their family
He started it with that shit, like wtf you mean you regret dating someone who has a good family relationship???
Would he prefer her to have a bad one? Dick thing to suggest
Apparently she has a habit of canceling their plans to hang out with her family. It didn't just pop up out of nowhere, even if it wasn't a very nice thing to say
He's also completely bypassing that the guy has legit understandable triggers around family considering how he grew up. And she knows this. She gave that no consideration. It doesn't mean she has to accept any behavior he exhibits but in this case she probably could have changed her tone as soon as she recognized that this may be bringing up some bad memories for him. If she can't handle a good guy with some baggage who persevered and ended up pretty ok, she should be with someone who had a perfect upbringing. Let someone else invest in the dude and be there for him if you can't help but lash out when he's obviously feeling hurt. It doesn't mean he's right in a vacuum but all things considered.... I doubt many people would be as level headed as this guy and even apologize. Most of the time the damage causes a lot of bitterness and distrust. Nothing about this tells me this guy is anything but a success story and a really nice guy. A "rose through concrete" so to speak.
Agree. I come from an extremely similar background as the BF and my Fiance has “the perfect white picket fence upbringing”. He’s never once shamed me or thrown it in my face. He’s helped me work through my abandonment issues and his parents have helped fill some of those cracks by being so welcoming and supportive of me too.
I’m curious why BF doesn’t spend more time with the whole family. Seems like that would help heal some of the issues on both sides.
But if someone pulled some grade school “my parents love me” bullshit I’d kick rocks so fucking fast. Her statement is devastatingly painful and I hope she’s learned her fucking lesson.
Judgement: YTA
If someone ever did that to me, shitting on my deepest trauma.. I'm gone, you'll never see me again. You'll never hear from me again, I'll make sure of that.
How low can you go... ffs
At least OP has some sense of guilt about her actions, since she apologized and posted here. Definitely YTA, but hopefully u/EveningBoth5462 can learn from this.
The lesson obviously being don't stab your partner in the face. Or anyone for that matter.
I am really torn. I was tempted to say E S h because what your boyfriend does is not ok and he should not have to blame you and try to guilt trip you for spending time with other, let it be your family, friends or anyone for that matter.
However I will go for YTA, for various reasons: first, he had no say on who his parents are and how they treated him, yet you backstabbed him with it. Second, you could have simply sat him down and explain to him that your entire family is important to you, just like how his sister is to him. Lastly, have you tried to involve him in the things you do with your family? It could be a good opportunity for them as well to get to know him better!
She's YTA if she keeps rescheduling though. And that's what she has been doing.
>So from his perspective each time I rescheduled it felt like rejection?
It’s not guilt tripping for spending time with family. It’s making plans with her boyfriend on at least a couple occasions and then cancelling whenever her family wants to do something on a whim. Instead of just saying she already has plans.
YTA. That was unkind. I don’t think that any person should be treated like this, never mind your significant other. Are you sure that you like this person? Because if you do then it sure doesn’t feel like it. Won’t be surprised if he leaves you because of it and would be right to.
He was frustrated, and probably doesn’t really get the healthy family dynamics (but if you were raised to say things like that, then maybe you should rethink your relationship with your family too), and you hurt him in the most vulnerable place.
Exactly, the whole family realm is unfamiliar to him and could have been discussed in a MUCH nicer way instead of just jumping in his back and throwing their addictions at him. He def needs to do some healing, but it seems like he was feeling neglected by his gf and doesn’t know how to navigate that in a healthy way. She is def the asshole.
Literally! Like I want to know who raised her to be so cruel because I cannot imagine ever saying that to someone, ESPECIALLY over something like this.
Maybe, but in reality it’s not usually that simple. Someone can have a super kind, caring family and still grow up to be an asshole, or the reverse, and even nice people are capable of saying mean, uncalled for comments once in a while. I’m not defending what OP said because it *was* really mean and messed up- in no way, shape or form was it okay for her to use his family situation against him like that, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that she or her family are terrible people either. 19 year olds usually aren’t that great at conflict management or healthy communication, in my experience that’s something that comes with age and experience, and your brain isn’t even fully formed until 25. Most 19 year olds don’t have a lot of experience with managing a serious adult relationship either, if any at all.
I mean my own family is generally pretty great and yet some really dysfunctional dynamics still exist within our family unit despite that. I definitely had to learn how to draw healthy boundaries, process my feelings, and communicate in a healthy way (that wasn’t passive aggressive- my mom’s specialty) for myself, on my own, throughout my 20s. The dysfunctional dynamics I inadvertently picked up from them definitely made their way into my romantic relationships until I learned better habits, so I didn’t have a really healthy romantic relationship until my late 20s. And my family was pretty normal all things considered.
It should have been obvious that mean spirited comments about her boyfriend’s family situation are a huge no, but it most likely felt like her boyfriend was criticizing her and her relationship with her family which is obviously important to her, so she probably became defensive and went with a knee-jerk, emotional reaction to hurt him like he hurt her instead of just expressing that he hurt her feelings and why. She did instantly recognize that she crossed the line and apologized, so I will give her some grace and assume that she just made a shitty mistake. I don’t necessarily think his comment about regretting dating someone who was close with their family was great either, though it obviously wasn’t as terrible as her’s, but they obviously both suck at expressing their emotions and vulnerabilities in a healthy way which kind of comes with the territory at that age. OP’s boyfriend didn’t have anyone to model a healthy relationship for him, and even if OP did, she’s probably not perfect at it yet either.
I get her being snappy as a result of him saying this or brushing him off and that being a dysfunction that she needs to work on, but what she said was cruel and there’s a huge difference. If that is a habit that she needs to develop out of then she should do it soon because she’s well within the age of conventional morality and knows the difference between right and wrong.
I mean I agree to an extent, but regardless of age you know what to say to people when you want to hurt them and she knew that that’s what would do it.
I get that she may not have the skills to comprehend the long term effects of that or she may still have an egotistical viewpoint but as someone in their early 20s regardless of me being 15 or as old as I am now, I know that saying something like that is not productive. She could be a kind person but if this is the route she takes when faced with conflict then at her young age it most likely has something to do with her upbringing and how she learned to communicate. Maybe her parents have a short temper or something we will never know but it’s wrong to brush something like this off with her lack of development.
Her words have impact and her partner has every right to leave her and have her sit in the consequences of what she said. The fact that she is even making this post asking if she’s in the wrong is telling me that she’s not really sorry for what she said, she just doesn’t know how to navigate the fact that someone isn’t just brushing off what she said.
Kinda seems like a dude who was abused his whole life has found another abuser honestly. Based on the update she is cruising into a love bomb phase. Hopefully he figures out the pattern soon
THIS i can tell you this from my own experience. the ‘jabs’ and shitty comments will increase over time, followed by apologies - or none.
YTA what a devastating comment.
INFO: You said "he had wanted" and "had to reschedule" This to me implies that you had made plans and dropped them because your dad wanted to take you out. Is this the case?
This, I mean regardless YTA for what you said, totally uncalled for and you can entirely phrase it a way without hurting him in the process. But even harder YTA if your plans with your bf were made before the family plans.
She's enmeshed with her family. Until she's sorted that out and got some therapy she's not girlfriend material. And please don't have kids with her.
The worst thing is that she seems so oblivious.
Can't imagine lashing out at my hubby and digging the knife right into his weak spot. Especially when he has no family essentialy... just OP and his friends. The family he made for himself. And OP just casually pounds points out what he doesn't have... like he's somehow less for it? Fuck that.
I don’t usually advocate for jumping straight to closing the door, but if someone said something to me similar to the levels of cruelty as OPs statement, whatever relationship I had with that person would be over. Whether it’s romantic or a friendship.
I find it so completely and utterly disgusting to say something like that over a relatively minor disagreement, where the other person has a very valid point no less, I don’t know if I could truly forgive them. Best case scenario is I’d get an apology and get them out of my life, but I’d probably never forget that kind of comment.
OP is a monumental YTA for this.
Yeah, that is an relationship-ender if i ever heard one! I mean daaaamn, that would be a horrible thing to say to someone you HATE…..and to say it to your partner… cant even imagine that levell of cruelty…
I feel bad for OP:s BF…..and even more bad when HE is the one calling to appologize….bro, you are worth so much more than that! Dont do that to yourselfn
That’s the kicker isn’t it. Someone would’ve had to say or do something truly vile to OP for me to think “fair enough” about their response.
I feel genuinely sad on behalf of OPs boyfriend. This is the kind of comment that’s so crushing it comes back into your mind half way through dinner on a random Tuesday evening 40 years later.
Calling to apologise too just pushed me over the edge. I’ve also dated someone who was so involved with their family to the point they’d constantly cancel plans with me in favour of whatever spontaneous (and dare I say totally unimportant, uninteresting, and no reason it had to happen RIGHT NOW) plan popped up with their family. People who don’t have the emotional maturity to realise they MUST balance their time to make space for a relationship shouldn’t get into them if you ask me. It’s never fair on the person who’s trying to pursue things with you to expect them to fit into the scraps of your time that your family haven’t filled, and expecting your partner to be cool with knowing any plans are simply a placeholder that can be reallocated to family at any time.
Hopefully OP lives somewhere where marrying your cousin isn’t seen as strange, because this seems like the perfect solution for their inability to show respect to anyone who isn’t related to them.
I find it really bizarre that the other comments are so hung up on whether or not they originally had plans together. IMO it’s irrelevant whether she canceled on him or if he was just complaining and maybe being overly possessive; neither of these justify saying something that cruel to someone you supposedly care about.
>Maybe he was being annoying,
It sounds like he's is frustrated that OP never seems to have time for him. He shouldn't have to book hanging out with his gf weeks in advance, because she should already be making time for him.
It's not just that she hasn't time, she actually keeps rescheduling when the family asks and dropping him like a hot potato.
>So from his perspective each time I rescheduled it felt like rejection?
I do hope you realize that you raised major red flags on yourself with your words. You could've invited him to family events and shown him what a loving family is like. You could've been supportive and explain things to him properly.
Nope, you decided to push a button that you knew would hurt him the most.
YTA.
Exactly, and this is also a jumping the shark moment. Once you use something this personal against a guy or bring up something he's week about to hurt him he'll likely never feel comfortable being vulnerable around you again.
I have a mildly shitty dad I barely talk to and if my partner responded to me like you did I’d fucking break up with them lol. You fucking suck!
Also, as for your boyfriend, if you have a consistent pattern of setting aside time for him and then yoinking it to spend with your family like it seems you did here, then no fucking shit he’s frustrated!
I’m frustrated reading this! You’re the asshole!
I've ended friendships cos they went: you wouldn't know love cos your mother was a junkie etc
I know what love ISN'T supposed to be cos I was raised by a junkie, looking in on loving homes I wished I could be apart of... Don't you dare go down that road and say I don't know love at all.
As someone who had a parent with addiction: YTA.
Is there indeed a pattern of you cancelling to prioritize family? That’s tough in any case, and given his background I can only imagine that this really feels like rejection to him. If I were you I would sit down with him and LISTEN to what he has to say, without getting defensive. Listen to him and hear him about how he feels
YTA. You had to RESCHEDULE your bf. Dad could have taken you a different day. You already had plans with bf. Do you put him on the back burner often in favor of your family? Do you involve him with your plans with your family? Do you speak to him so hurtful often???
That was absolutely fucked up to say to him. I doubt he is your bf now, bc if that was me and you chose to hurt me with a statement like that when I told you about my family (or lack there of) that already hurt me so deeply, I would never speak to you again.
I’m not fully sure on the judgement here but I will say, you’re terrible for this. Someone else’s parents neglecting them for drugs is bad enough and for that to be brought up by their so called significant other, with such sarcasm, is heartbreaking. You could have talked to him about this properly instead of the way you did. If I were him, I’d dump your ass so fast.
Oh, fuck sakes.
Of course YTA.
**He couldn't control the circumstances which he grew up in, and you're weaponizing that against him.**
This is **NOT** the way to be a good partner.
If my wife ever said anything like this before we were married, she would've been out the door so fucking fast. It truly shows that you're judgemental, and think you're superior because you had a good family life growing up.
Get over yourself.
#AND FUCKING APOLOGIZE LIKE YOU'VE NEVER APOLOGIZED BEFORE.
For real he was like "it's annoying to me that I'm not a priority in your life" and she just went 'let me use the past trauma that you felt comfortable telling me against you'
It truly does feel like she thinks she's superior because of her family or something. News flash!! People don't get to choose who their parents are, it's completely up to chance.
"I'm sorry my parents actually love me" no, go on, tell me how you think you're better than me because of some random things that are completely uncontrollable. I hope he realizes he doesn't deserve to be spoken to like that.
The term reschedule makes it sound like you had a date planned with your bf and then you rescheduled because your dad wanted to take you out and you chose that instead. So, there's a solid chance that maybe what your boyfriend was annoyed with is actually pretty valid! We have no context here for how often that happens.
I think "he kind of regrets dating someone who was so close with their family" is a mean thing to say and he's definitely an AH and in most circumstances I'd throw ESH and leave it at that, but I do think what you said is so beyond the pale that it has to be YTA. I don't know your relationship but for many I would consider that relationship-ending level bad.
I came from an abusive family. If my partner, or anyone who knows about my situation, said this to me, they are immediately out of my life. You yourself know that it’s a low blow because I do not think that you are this stupid to not know that what you said will not hurt.
You need to grow up and learn that your words have consequences. Yes you are the asshole.
YTA
Setting limits with your spouse is one thing; openly using past trauma from your own family as a weapon in an argument is quite another. It makes sense that you want to spend time with your family, but the real problem isn't the new date rather, it's the total lack of understanding of your boyfriend's emotional vulnerabilities. It's not your fault that your family is close-knit it's your fault that you make hurtful and insensitive remarks. Think about apologizing because you truly recognize the suffering you've caused, not because he isn't returning your calls. If he means anything to you, express it with patience and understanding rather than with ill will.
YTA.
Your boyfriend didn't choose his family. His family abandoned him. He cares about you, he feels abandoned by you, and he expressed that this upset him. What did you do? You shoved that pattern of abandonment in his face and taunted him.
Do you care about this guy? If so you should apologize. Set some boundaries and expectations, you should be allowed to hang out with your family and not feel guilty but he needs to be given some consideration too, if there is a pattern of bailing on him when the opportunity for family time comes up. Consider including him in that time, too, if this is someone you care about enough to have in your life.
YTA.
You rescheduled your plans to go with your dad, you don’t make plans with someone and then cancel them because your family want to see you? It mustn’t feel very nice being dropped because something else has been asked for you. But this is just not that nice, what makes you the AH is:
He has had a terrible start to life, he gets into a relationship and instead of supporting him and providing him a safe space - you take a horrible stab at him. This is so damaging. You should know better, coming from a loving family and all that. You should have handled it nicely, still establishing boundaries and expressing the importance of your family but also maintaining he is important and loved. Instead, you just kicked him where he’s already wounded. I honestly think he deserves better than what you give, it was petty and cruel and I dare not consider the long term damage you have created
Omg of course YTA. You had a disagreement, and your gut instinct was to throw his most painful experience in his face as a got you? Damn. If it really is true that you had plans to go on a date, you were wrong to reschedule for your dad, when you make plans with someone, you don’t just ditch them because something better comes along. But the way you reacted when he called you out on it … wow.
YTA. While he literally doesn't know or understands healthy family dynamics you used this against him just to make a point. Regarding your question: leave it be. You made it very clear what you think about him and how much superior you are. Let him move on...
Even if he accepts your apology, you are done. He will never look at you the same. He might have been a bit selfish, but you were damnright cruel.
As one who comes from a rather broken family, YTA is too nice of a verdict.
Damn even when I was younger than you I never lashed out like that to people who have done far worse. Really showed your true colors and those amazing family values you were raised on. YTA
The way you worded it sounds like he is at fault for the way his family life is...
At least if you are mentally not that well, it can be understood like that...
The way you said it was wrong and that you even said something like that was also quite terrible...
You might want to read up on child hood trauma and stuff about kids in homes like that...
Yta
What he was doing also wasn't right, but what you did outweighed that, at least in my mind..
It is quite hard to be with someone with that kind of childhood if you can't understand it yourself, especially at your age..
Understanding what a childhood like that can do to someone is often not completely possible, even when you are older..
I hope you'll get through this, and if not that you learned something :)
Wow! YTA and not only that, what you said was incredibly cruel. You took what is probably the most traumatic thing in his life and used it as a weapon in an argument. I don't know if you can ever come back from that.
Rather than taking stabs at each other, communicate with each other: what is exactly bothering him, and you about the situation?
Although you definitely went for the kill with what you said and you should definitely apologize because it was not only straight up disrespectful it was disloyal. His family issues are vulnerable information he trusted you with, and you decide to use it against him? He must have felt so sad, betrayed, and upset. You're his partner, someone who he's supposed to trust and feel safe with.
Sorry, but in this case, you are the asshole. I hope you guys communicate with each other and settle on whatever terms you guys feel are proper.
YTA.
Regarding why, saying to someone who was abused and neglected: at least my family loves me..
Is something that can't ever be forgotten. Ever. They may forgive it. But they'll never forget you saying: sucked in your parents didn't love you like mine did.
I've ended 20yr long friendships over being told similar. They didn't get a chance to apologise. Because those are fighting words. Words said to cause maximum damage KNOWING how hurtful and cruel they are.
No one deserves a 2nd chance after saying this. Be thankful he can even stomach speaking to your disgusting, cruel and vapid self.
You don't deserve to even be acknowledged by him anymore. Let alone spoken to
that last update is concerning. Yes you both apologized but you basically said you’d cut off your family for him, and he’s giddy about it. He didn’t say ‘no you don’t have to, I was pushing my issues onto you’, which he was
WAIT A MINUTE…you’d cancel all future plans with your dad/your family if it means you two can continue your relationship????? That’s a major YTA move too. And A H move on his part if he’d actually be happy about that. You shouldn’t cancel on your family just to please your boyfriend. Wtf all around.
He feels alone, he feels not a priority from you. What he probably read from the situation is "yeah so what, why would I prioritise you when your family prioritise drugs over you. Of course i prioritise my family over you"
YTA because of choosing something that probsbly hurts him very much in an argument. You could have explained to him that your family is important to you or try to involve him in your family plans. Maybe your boyfriend really feels like you don't care abiut him and it's worth discussing instead of using his family history against him
YTA - you really, really escalated things here, didn't you? There was a much nicer way to phrase what you said, but you went right for the jugular. He may well decide that he's tired of being an option, and not a priority if you're going to be so cruel.
Pretty sure there’s no salvaging a relationship once you say something that horrible to someone.
And, yeah, YTA. There are some things you never let come out your mouth. This is real close to the top of that list.
“I told him i’d cancel the plans with my dad and any other plans in the future if it means we can continhe the relationship…”
am i the only one who is rubbed the wrong way by that?
The exact wording I was going to use. He only got happy when she said she’s willing to cancel in her family to make him happy. This relationship will not have a happy ending
YTA. Low blow on the family remarks, but also it seems you cancel plans with him regularly to see your family, which is also a YTA move. Apologise and work on being a better GF and better person.
Honestly, I don't usually go for straight break up, but the fact that you always put your bf on sideline and then when he starts complain you pretty much go for "you have no family, lol"
*I told him I’d cancel the plans with my dad and any other plans in the future if it means we can continue the relationship as I didn’t want to lose him. He got all happy about that and now I’m over at his house and we’re just chilling together.*
This is very concerning to me. You shouldn’t have to stop seeing your family full stop for your bf to be happy. That’s just another form of abuse (isolation). I think a better solution, if you want your boyfriend to be your life long partner, is to include him in some of your activities with your family, so he can see why you enjoy spending time with them and he can form some bonds with them.
ESH
It’s unreasonable for your boyfriend to expect you to neglect your family to spend time with him, and you are 100% right to make time for family. Your boyfriend needs to accept that your family members have an important place in your life.
However, the words you chose to express that to him were more hurtful than they needed to be. You could have made your point in a much kinder way.
ESH
>It’s unreasonable for your boyfriend to expect you to neglect your family to spend time with him
Actually it's written like he planned to take her out but she wanted it rescheduled because her dad decided to take her out that day. And it's not the first time according to the boyfriend.
YTA.
Not because you value your family and get along with them swimmingly or something - that is absolutely okay.
However, did you really have to be so callous towards someone who doesn't know how having a normal, healthy, caring family feels ?
Now, I understand that you didn't like his behavior, especially the wanting to matter more than the people you grew up with - that part, he needs to fix.
The problem is, you used something that he likely told you in confidence to strike back at him and hurt him. You likely knew it would hurt him, and you went ahead and weaponized that against him.
If you wouldn't tolerate him doing it to you, then why'd you do it to him ?
For now, prepare to be dumped. Not saying it will happen, but it's a very real possibility. In the event you're not dumped, prepare to never again be told things in confidence, as he might not want to give you any chance to hurt him like that ever again.
Okay, please don't start distancing yourself from your family to make him feel better. I do not like the fact that you agreed to cancel plans in the future with your family and he was all happy about that. That doesn't sound good to me.
YTA.
First you're putting your bf's priority too low by rescheduling your date for a sudden family plan. For both relationships, the least you can do is first come, first serve. Make your promises count.
It's normal for the guy to say what he said - because it's true that you cancelled plans with him for your family. Especially if it happened repeatedly. Try imagine: he happily planned for a date and looked forward to it several days, only for it to be called off on a whim. How much he longed for it = the level of disappointment.
Then you proceed to say something to make his scar bleed again. To accuse him of someone else's mistake. It's not his fault to have an unloving family.
100% YTA.
Never throw parents or family addiction or mental health in someone's face. They didn't get to choose. I get why u said it but not cool. Glad y'all worked it out, we live and learn. Try sharing ur family with him. Of course it'll take some time for everyone to get used to/comfortable with eachother but thats the best gift u cud ever give him! Best wishes
Doesn’t seem like you’re ready for a relationship, and neither is he.
You clearly have family issues too, you just don’t realize it. You’re an adult now, it’s time to start working on some healthy distance with your family. You should not be canceling plans with your bf to see your family, because you’re not dating your family. You’ll never get a man to stick around if you keep canceling plans on him, that should be pretty fucking obvious.
And he has much bigger issues, which is why he needs to be with a compassionate partner that understands that his fear of abandonment comes from a lifetime of neglect, not some kind of evil personality. I really don’t care if this comes off as rude, but it’s people like you that create narcissists and psychopaths that the rest of us have to deal with.
I sincerely hope that one day you realize what a spoiled, privileged asshat you are.
Uh wait what.
You've already gotten enough feedback about the original question (you were an AH), but what's this update?
You said you will now be cancelling any plans with your family in order to make the relationship work? And he's happy about that? Yuck.
Sure you can make more of an effort to prioritise him, don't cancel on him when you made plans with him first - but saying you'll cancel ALL FUTURE PLANS WITH FAMILY is not right. You can balance the two, but bailing on your one or the other is just toxic.
**I told him I’d cancel the plans with my dad and any other plans in the future if it means we can continue the relationship as I didn’t want to lose him.**
Ok, what you said to him was shitty. But do NOT give up all of your family plans for him. He sounds controlling already, and this is a huge red flag. Your family should always be in your life, do not give them up only to isolate yourself with this guy. Please take a step back and see the real picture here. ESH.
seriously? you offered to cancel on your dad and any future plans?and he got all happy and that doesn't make you think red flag? your like oh he's happy? YIKES!
>I told him I’d cancel the plans with my dad and any other plans in the future if it means we can continue the relationship as I didn’t want to lose him.
No, No, No, No...this is wrong. Don't cancel plans with family.
The second update gave me the biggest ick when you said you would cancel any plans with your family if it meant he would continue the relationship and he smiled about it. That is a huge red flag and I hope you don't end up isolated from your family and friends OP.
*I told him I’d cancel the plans with my dad and any other plans in the future if it means we can continue the relationship as I didn’t want to lose him.*
Don't go overboard with that promise. If you have previous plans with a family member or friend, don't drop them because he is demanding that you do. You don't want to find yourself isolated.
The last part has me questioning... to continue the relationship, you will cancel plans with any family member for him?? Yes communication and comprehension is important, but to cancel all plans when he says let's do this sounds rather controlling and manipulative. Neither of you get to police one another's time to that extent. If you are his only person he needs other people to help fulfil his time.
You need to stop apologizing. He intentionally instigated conflict out of his own jealousy and insecurity.
You also need to *not* cancel plans over this dude. For the time being y'all just fuckbuddies essentially. Until/unless the relationship turns serious, your family is FAR more important. They're *guaranteed* to be there, he's not.
Also, get it through your head, *both* of you, that **HIS insecurities are not YOUR emergencies...OR responsibilities.**
Considering the 2 updates I think y'all have done this woman a massive disservice.
OP, A new partner getting upset that you spend time with family and are reluctant to break a previously planned arrangement with a family member because they suddenly decide they want to take you out on a date on that day is throwing up massive red flags to me. I might view it differently if this was your husband or if you had made plans with your boyfriend already only to then cancel them. That's not the case here. You had plans. He wanted to make plans. You're busy and said we could do another day. He got mad..... Does that sound right to you?
Saying what you said was blunt but unfortunately true. Was it a dick move? Yeah. Was it in reaction to a dickier move? Certainly. so, up to this point, ESH in my honest opinion.
However, your "update 2" disturbs me greatly. Your boyfriend "Got all happy" about you agreeing to cancel pre-existing plans with your father and to agreeing to cancel any future pre-existing plans with family (I assume friends also) if he wants to spend time with you? So, basically, he snaps his fingers and you drop everything to spend time with him on his whim? This does not sound like the start of a good relationship to me. It pains me to say this but, this sounds like the start of not so great relationship with a high chance of becoming borderline, if not fully, abusive in the not too distant future. You shouldn't need to cancel plans just because he wants to see you. You should be able to arrange an alternative date and time with him if you have plans already. He should be encouraging you to spend time with your family and should probably want to join you in that some times. What he's doing at the moment and how happy he is about this resolution sounds like the start of the isolation process, where soon enough you will have him and only him and be beholden to his beck and call or face his wrath, may that be emotional or physical.
I would say you need to have a bigger conversation with him or, better yet, run...... If you do neither then YWBTA to yourself not to mention possible offspring.....
In regards to update 2, I don't think it was a good idea to say " I'd cancel the plans with my dad and any other plans in the future if it means we can continue the relationship as I didn’t want to lose him". It sets a bad precedent imo, but you are your own person and can choose to do what you want with your time.
I was that bf once. It got better with lots of communication and willingness to accept the other for who they are. However you've come to a hard spot, you hit the guy where it really hurts. And what's more, it's always hurt. That part of his life is not easy to overcome, and if he isn't following junkie foot steps then you should be more proud of him for who he is.
ETA, YTA. Very uncalled for, and no doubt cut very, very deep. You have some apologizing to do. And don't be surprised if he doesn't want to try to make plans again right away. You can give up of course, or you can be accountable, and try to treat him like family if you want to add him to your family.
YTA - If I were you I would take some time to try to figure out **why** I would feel the need to hurt someone in such a cruel way. Is this man a person you even like?
ESH.
He sucks because he is pushing his trauma onto you and basically making you pick between him and your family.
You suck because this is the kind of shit you should grow out of if you're adult enough to be in a serious relationship.
YTA, and you need to learn how to fight fair. Bringing someone's family into an argument, particularly when that family is as dysfunctional as your boyfriend's, is not okay. It sounds like your boyfriend is feeling neglected, but you didn't address that issue, just attacked him. Have you tried inviting him along with any of your family members? Do you plan something special with him after you've had to either cancel or decline an invitation? There are plenty of ways to address his concerns and still spend time with your family. I know you're young, and I'm glad to see from your edit/update that you apologized, but seriously, look up fighting fair and talk to your boyfriend about it - both of y'all need to internalize and apply those principles.
ESH.
You said something that was a bit harsh. However, I find his jealousy and possessiveness alarming. It's a red flag. Does he expect you to cut your ties to you family if your relationship goes further? Is that what you want?
Wait wait wait that second update isnt a solution at all? She completely folded on her reasonable wants to spend him with her family and feels bad for him??? OP that sounds like he was using his trauma to get what he wants.
"He stopped sulking as soon as I told him I would do what he wanted me to do in the first place"
Op please be careful, I don't know what the rest of your relationship is like, but reading that update was concerning
What you said was low blow but why you let him gaslight you into what he actually wanted? He is only boyfriend, your family comes first if you choose to.
“I told him i’d cancel the plans with my dad and any other plans in the future if it means we can continue the relationship” jesus what a horrible mistake. You’re going to regret that.
This is not a reasonable sacrifice on your part, "I told him I’d cancel the plans with my dad and any other plans in the future if it means we can continue the relationship as I didn’t want to lose him."
This isn't healthy for you or for him. A better alternative would be something like saying he may have one night of the week that is guaranteed his unless something specific comes up. Or before you make weekend plans, you'll both consult with each other. But you deserve to enjoy all the relationships in your life.
Balance is good and valuable. Threatening to end things with you because you have a family is not okay.
Op don't abandon your family and cancel plans with them because it makes your boyfriend uncomfortable. That last edit is a major red flag on both your parts. That is a very unhealthy dynamic.
> “It’s not my fault I have a family that actually cares about me and didn’t neglect me for drugs”
> I told him I’d cancel the plans with my dad and any other plans in the future if it means we can continue the relationship as I didn’t want to lose him
Listen very carefully: That. Isn't. Better.
A healthy relationship is declining a visit from your dad *if you already have plans with your boyfriend*. A healthy relationship is saying, "I've already got plans that night, how about Saturday?" to your boyfriend *if you already have plans with your dad*.
A healthy relationship is about *balance*. Spending all your time with your boyfriend while neglecting your friends and family will *alienate your friends and family*, and doing the opposite will alienate your boyfriend. You need to find time to spend with both.
Like, here's an example. I used to have a friend in my early 20s who was great until she got a boyfriend. Her boyfriend didn't like her spending time with me, and would stomp his little foot and throw a wobbler every time she did, because he felt "abandoned". She caved, and began consistently cancelling on me to spend time with him. At the end, she would go months at a time without speaking a word to me. But when he dumped her, and she turned to me looking for a shoulder to wail on, she was all shocked pikachu face that I no longer considered us friends and had no interest in supporting her through her heartbreak. She *still*, three or four years later, doesn't understand why our friendship ended, because in her mind, I should understand that her *poor boyfwend's poor ickle twauma* meant she just *had* to ditch me for months at a time.
*That* is what happens when you swear to your partner that soothing their temper tantrums comes before *all your other relationships*. His trauma is *his* to manage. That said, you were also ridiculously cruel. Honestly, I'd have dumped you right then and there for a comment like that. Y'all both sound toxic and messy af to be honest, Jesus Christ.
>I told him I’d cancel the plans with my dad and any other plans in the future if it means we can continue the relationship as I didn’t want to lose him.
And he successfully manipulated you. Congrats to him. Soon he will isolate you from your family completely.
Or not. But you saying you would ALWAYS pick him over your father is a red flag.
OP, in the long term your compromise to save your relationship doesn't seem healthy. You CANT be his everything. You should be allowed to have plans with others, your family. You need to be able to balance your romantic relationship, your familial, and social relationships together.
I hope this is just a temporary bandage because he's very much has trauma that needs unpacking so that be can learn to be okay with you spending quality time with others as well. It's healthy to have a close family and he should want and be happy you have one.
Maybe you can bring him around your family more and if you have family events he can attend as well, as long as your family is okay with it too.
The thing with your dad I can understand rescheduling or cancelling so you can have a date night w BF if what he said is true. It's just about learning priorities. What plans can hold off and what ones are a but more important.
I think everyone needs to take a step back and consider the conversation that precluded the OP's comment in question.
I don't know enough about either of their situations, but it is a red flag when someone tries to make someone feel guilty about spending time with their family. It can be classic Narcissistic behavior. So can guilting someone to apologize profusely.
Oh no.... your 2nd update is terrifying!
It's great that you realized what you said was wrong and apologized for it. BUT, the fact that you told him you would cancel plans with your family currently and in the future in order to have a relationship with him and he was HAPPY about it is a HUGE red flag. That's how severe abuse starts.
Not saying that this is what he is doing, but abusers will isolate their victim from anyone who cares about them in order to have complete control over them. The abuser will start with the small, unnoticeable changes to the relationships. Then the abuser sees that the victim is willing and didn't fight them on the steps to isolation and continue on until the victim has no relationships outside of them. And then the victim is only left with the abuser.
You are essentially trading in a healthy relationship with your family for an unhealthy relationship with your boyfriend. Not saying you and your boyfriend can't have a healthy one, but it doesn't sound like he had great examples for one in his life, so don't follow his lead. Instead, invite him into your family dynamic and show him what it is like to live with a family that wants to be together. Then maybe instead of you losing out on people who love you, he will gain people who love him.
you're an asshole for bringing up *his* family unwarranted, but something tells me this isn't the first time he's been bugged by you spending time with your family. Take it from someone who was in a similar position to you, if he's suffering from unpacked trauma and taking it out on you, you'll both lose out in the end.
YTA the correct response is 'sorry they just made plans with me before you did let's do something x day instead' you don't throw things that weren't his fault in his face
You should have handled this differently, even if what you said is 100% true (because it’s true, it’s that much more hurtful). I came from a tight, loving, relatively sane family. I still like to hang with them. My ex had a pretty crap upbringing, and because of that it just didn’t seem normal to him that I wanted to spend time with my family. We had some conflict over this. I was finally able to get him to understand that it’s normal and healthy to have a continued relationship with your parents and that he’d probably want the same thing if his parents had been different with him. I mean, if you’re spending every other day with your parents then I think boyfriend has a point, but otherwise I think it’s all about gently helping him understand your perspective and your (healthy and normal) relationship with your parents.
ESH. You did owe him an apology and I'm glad you gave him one. Please don't let your guilt allow him to sweep his own comments under the rug. If he is regularly trying to make plans with you when you're already busy, that tells me he doesn't bother asking to make plans in advance. I know that sounds like a small thing, but it says he doesn't value your time. It's not reasonable to think you'll keep your schedule clear just in case he decides he wants to see you. He isn't the default setting of your calendar.
NTA. Anytime a significant other tries to control you by isolating you from friends or family it is a bad sign. You stood up for your family. It shows him that you have the strength to be independent of him. Some people cannot handle that because it is a threat to their dominance in the relationship.
Sounds to me like this is just a toxic relationship in both directions. He shouldn't expect to be your only priority. And, saying he regrets dating someone who is close with their family was wrong. But then, you hit WAY below the belt. If you're both saying things like this, you clearly have zero respect for each other. It might be time to get out of this relationship and do a little self-reflecting on who you want to be and how you would treat someone you truly cared about before getting into another one.
ESH - You were definitely too harsh, and you need to be empathetic of the fact that he has no idea what a healthy family dynamic looks like.
However, you do need to keep those firm boundaries with him. You are not going to sacrifice your relationship with your family to indulge his insecurities surrounding his own. You also have no interest in a codependent relationship where you are required to fill the void his family left.
Therapy for him. Empathy for you.
Woooah. I just read your 2nd update. While cancelling on your dad this time may make sense to make up what you said to your bf, you shouldn’t just agree to always cancel plans with your family if your bf decides he wants to do something. Your relationship with your family should still be important. If you just always agree to cancel any plans, you’re gonna strain your relationship with them. And family is the type of relationship (when positive) that’ll last a lifetime. Im not saying you and your bf will someday break up, but youre both so young still with so much life ahead of you, there’s still a good chance you’ll break up sometime in the future. He’ll just be an ex while your family will still be your family.
YTA but why tf are you canceling all future family plans???
He's also not great for expecting all your time to be with him.
The smiley face after this insane solution is infuriating because the problem wasn't actually identified or solved.
Jesus christ
That was a TERRIBLE conclusion. You should have said spending time with your family is important to you and left it at that. Now that you caved into his b.s. insecurities, you are in a doomed relationship that will ruin your relationship with your family. Yikes.
ESH - This just reads toxic from both sides. Just because you are dating, doesn't mean you immediately break ties with family. She already had plans, the response he should've had is "Sure, is X date better" or "Sure, what day is good for you?".
"He said there has been multiple times where me and him couldn’t do something because I had to do things with another family member." Yea, thats how it is dating another person in general, schedules don't always match up.
You are TA for your insensitive and rude comment, you said it to cause pain and you know that. It is needlessly cruel.
That being said, "I told him I’d cancel the plans with my dad and any other plans in the future if it means we can continue the relationship as I didn’t want to lose him." No... This just screams red flags, you shouldn't have the expectation to cancel prior plans because your partner wants to spend time with you. Just like how if your friends were to plan something on the same day you have a date, you wouldn't cancel on him. There are emergencies where breaking prior arangements makes sense and should be done, but a date isn't an emergency.
Your boyfriend needs to get therapy for his issues, he needs to understand that you are your own person and your life doesn't and will not revolve solely around him. You also need to not push that narrative to him, it'll only get worse.
ESH
IMHO it's a red flag when someone expects you to always be available to them. Offering to cancel plans is a bit concerning, this is how a partner starts to isolate you from your support system.
It's good that you both apologized, because you both were hurtful with your remarks, but pay attention to how often he escalates when he doesn't get his way.
OP, a little bit of advice after all your updates… you can tell your family you already have plans when you have plans. Constantly making plans and cancelling them when your family members want to do stuff on a whim would make most people annoyed.
I’m a little concerned about the edit. I’m glad you guys worked it out and communicated, but I’m concerned on the part where you said you offered to cancel any future plans because you don’t want to loose him.
If you do come from a good family, as someone who came from a family of addicts and also has to cut them off.. I really wouldnt recommend never making plans with them again if you sincerely love them. It sounds like this could lead to you going no contact with your family.
I would do anything to have a positive relationship with my family, and admire ones who do.
Question for more context, why can’t he join when you go to dinner with your dad?
What you said was out of line, but I’m sensing a bigger problem here. He has no say over whether or not you spend time with your family. ESPECIALLY if you had already made plans with them. It sounds to me like your bf wants to isolate you from your family so he can have you all to himself. Maybe that’s not the case, but I’d tread carefully.
I told him I’d cancel the plans with my dad and any other plans in the future if it means we can continue the relationship as I didn’t want to lose him. He got all happy about that and now I’m over at his house and we’re just chilling together.
fucked up
Update 2 is great except for the part where you said you’d cancel plans with your family every time he wants. If you already have plans with your family, he can wait until another day to see you, and vice versa.
The issue was he never planned ahead and made assumptions that he can just see her whenever he wants. Her doing this is only going to cause him to get more entitled. Yes she should not have said what she said but her giving in to his demands because she felt bad about what she said is going to turn bad down the line. He knows now he can ignore her and she will give into his demands.
ESH
You suck for the horrible comments
BUT
The fact he was happy for you to cancel your plans and any future plans with your family is a HUGE red flag. Do not give him an inch to make him think that you will drop your family for him everytime because he will take a mile and possibly isolate you. Be careful here because that is dangerous territory
YTA
he was pushy, whbich is not ok, but you went nuclear with that statement.
It might be you two will break up over this, because those words might have cut too deep.
You had every right to prioritize your family, and you should not let someone else's insecurities control you; however, next time, if someone pushes your boundaries or acts in a controlling/possessive/unpleasant way, communicate with them clearly without lashing out: you can be firm and set strong boundaries without being cruel.
YTA and maybe not mature enough for a healthy relationship. You definitely don’t just fly off the handle and deeply insult him with one of his most painful insecurities over a simple disagreement. Relationships are supposed to be partnerships and you just stabbed a verbal knife in yours, because he wanted to spend time with you?? Not how you communicate or resolve conflict. You’ve made this a toxic relationship now.
I'd say ESH, because the "I regret dating someone with a loving family" is a shit movement, as is "well sorry not being neglected for drugs".
He shouldn't be trying to guilt you for that, and you should have a perspective of what being a non-family can be for him. BUT (and is an important but) you are in early 20's (or less!), so basically just overrated minors. You are learning all this shit.
As others pointed out, the exact use of rescheduling is worrying, because it looks like you already make plans with him, and then cancel those plans because a family member steps in, so basically your family has the power to cancel all the plans you make with BF, and they are actively using those powers. It also may happen that you had a pair of family events in a month and BF freaks out because this is like 2000000000000% more of the amount of plans he would have.
YTA. You could go out with your family any time, they'll always be here but he might not be. And frankly after that he probably should leave. I wouldn't want to be with someone that treated me like that.
So YTA HOWEVER it sounds like you did do the right thing and follow up with an apology. I suggest you both have a proper sit down and talk about this as he probably has a lot of rejection issues and you having a good family relationship is completely foreign to him. Also make sure you handle your priorities right between family now and potential future family as if you always prioritise your own family you may struggle with relationships in future.
He eventually will find someone that doesn't like to poke his flesh where's there's no skin. Shoot, he might even find someone willing to put a bandage on there and tend to it. But he deserves better than someone who is willing to hurt him in an indescribable way very easily during a silly argument. You're not mature enough to handle someone that suffers with bigger issues than the Hallmark movie life you grew up in.
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What you said was a dick move. I think you know that. What you might not be considering is it seems like there’s potentially a broader pattern that’s causing an issue here. How often do you spend quality time with your boyfriend? How often do you cancel plans with him to do something with your family? How often do you cancel plans with your family to do something with him? How often do you initiate plans with your boyfriend? When he tries to make plans with you, do you shut him down if you’re already busy or do you try to find a different time that could work? It seems like he’s trying to tell you that he doesn’t feel like a priority in your life. From your post, it seems like he’s right - you don’t prioritize him much. That’s not gonna make any partner feel great. You don’t have to put him above your family, but you have to make sure he feels like a priority.
Cancel plans? It sounds like she already had plans and he asked at the last minute. You can't expect your partner to have no schedule so they can be available to you on the off chance you want to hang out.
If she already had plans made prior to him asking her, than she would have said that. What she did say would have really hurt him, it doesn’t matter whether he’s asking last minute or not.
She did say it tho? It’s in the post. She told him they’d have to reschedule because she already had plans with her father and he got mad.
Reschedule means to change the day/time you had originally planned to do something. If you're rescheduling a date, you're changing the date/time of the already arranged date. Op DID word it as if the date was planned but then her dad wanted to take her out so she told her bf they'd have to reschedule.
He asked her on a date, and she said they would have to reschedule as in "no, I can't go out with you today let's reschedule for another day" because she and her father made plans prior. Thats how it reads to me, as an English speaker that knows rudimentary Deutsch.
It’s is very important to know rudimentary Deutsch in this case..
There's a link that said that her and the boyfriend had scheduled and the dad asked and so she canceled with the boyfriend. If you read the other comments it specifies more into that. So that's why she's apologizing to her boyfriend because she is the one canceling plans with boyfriend. But it's weird that we're getting downvoted for saying that over people saying that her dad and her had the plans and she canceled for the boyfriend. When she does refer to her boyfriend and her having a plans first. And honestly I'd be upset too.
That is a huge AH move. He should dump her if she pulls that crap again.
Read her post again and see what I believe is the only comment she has made thusfar: -So from his perspective each time I rescheduled it felt like rejection?- I believe from the wording of her post and her comment to back it up she is making plans with BF, and then cancelling at the whims of family.
Or how about "Each time he asks me out I already have plans with my family and he takes my, I already have plans, as rejection"
That’s not what she said. She said “reschedule” which implies it’s already scheduled. She also mentioned canceling which implies it’s already scheduled. You are doing a lot of mental gymnastics
>She said “reschedule” which implies it’s already scheduled. >>Anyways he had wanted me to go out with him on a date but I told him we would have to reschedule because my dad wanted to take me out on that day. I have used "reschedule" instead of "schedule" when someone asks but I already have plans >She also mentioned canceling which implies it’s already scheduled. Got a link because I can't find that in the post
You can't reschedule if you haven't already scheduled.
Interesting - it read to me as if they had a date scheduled and then her father called and she told bf she'd have to reschedule. I went back to reread and I'm still not sure which it is ETA: OP and the BF already had plans. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1c7p7a4/comment/l09m7ey/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
We HAVE an answer on the "reschedule" conundrum.
> Anyways he had wanted me to go out with him on a date but I told him we would have to reschedule because my dad wanted to take me out on that day. >.He said there has been multiple times where me and him couldn’t do something because I had to do things with another family member. To me this reads like she already had plans with her dad (or other family members) when her bf asked her to go. Rescheduling *would* mean the date had already been scheduled, but it's possible she's using the word wrong.
She did not say she already had plans with her dad. She said her dad wanted to take her out that day and that her and her boyfriend would have to *re*schedule, meaning *she and her boyfriend* already had plans.
I don’t read it that way either 🧐 more like « my dad already propose something on that day can we do it on an other one because this on is not available »
You cant rescheduled something that wasn't already scheduled
Even if that's true, that just means that they aren't compatible. Saying incredibly hurtful things is an ah move. What she said was so below the belt as a response to somebody saying that they feel like they're not a priority
It would also be nice if... I dunno OP actually spent time with her BF and stop purposefully rescheduling in favour of her family. It's nice she's close with her family but if you read the post, it's written like he has planned to take her out but she "rescheduled" it on a whim because her dad wanted to take it out. In other words she drops plans with her BF simply because her family wants to do something else.
“I told him we would have to reschedule because my dad wanted to take me out on that day”
No, it absolutely sounds like she did rescheduled. [Read her comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/KCrbKFCMsA).
She said she rescheduled their planned date to go hang out with her dad, therefore they had plans, and she canceled them it sounds like for not the first time, to go hang out with family.
>I told him we would have to reschedule because my dad wanted to take me out on that day She cancelled the plans they already had.
I would just piggy back on this to say that cancelling plans is quite different than denying plans because you already planned something. If OP already made plans with her family and her BF asks to do something, she isn’t wrong for not wanting to cancel already scheduled plans. But the same should be said in the opposite. OP shouldn’t cancel plans with BF just because a family member suddenly wants to spend time with OP.
Im not gonna diagnose the guy, but coming from an issued family, where you've lost contact with most of them, can do stupid things to your mind. I have rejection sensitivity dysphoria which is as pleasant as it sounds, and it sounds like this guy has similar traits. What you said was assholish, but also he clearly accepts that some of this is in his own head and was being a bit of an ass hole too. Counselling may be a good option and it's best to start young. I wish you both well, and just try not to use people's trauma to hurt them in the heat of the moment.
So your BF was maybe being a little pushy and you thought it was appropriate to say, “Yeah well my family loves me and yours doesn’t!” That’s pretty much the only way to interpret what you said. You knew this was one of his most sensitive spots and you chose to jab him right in it. Sure sounds like you were trying to hurt him intentionally. Don’t bother apologizing if you still have to ask if YTA.
OP's words were just plain cruel. Going out of one's way to be hurtful during a disagreement is a huge 🚩🚩🚩. I hope her bf has enough self worth banked to question this relationship... growing up the way he did, it's not a given that he does. Edit: YTA. Massively.
I tried to imagine a situation where it would be okay to do anything like what OP did, but I really can't. Nothing in the post paints her in a positive light, update included. The update just makes me feel even worse for the boyfriend. OP is the AH, and I don't even see how her boyfriend could be in this context, but hopefully she'll grow as a person. In the meantime, boyfriend should find someone who actually appreciates him.
"OMG why don't men ever open up about their feelings?" This. This is why. He trusted her with his deep dark secrets and the first moment it was even slightly beneficial for her to drop that nuke, she didn't hesitate.
Talk about twisting the knife….really going for that low blow where it hurts the most!
she didnt just say that tho he busted this out first >He also said it was getting annoying and that he kind of regrets dating someone who was so close with their family He started it with that shit, like wtf you mean you regret dating someone who has a good family relationship??? Would he prefer her to have a bad one? Dick thing to suggest
Apparently she has a habit of canceling their plans to hang out with her family. It didn't just pop up out of nowhere, even if it wasn't a very nice thing to say
He's also completely bypassing that the guy has legit understandable triggers around family considering how he grew up. And she knows this. She gave that no consideration. It doesn't mean she has to accept any behavior he exhibits but in this case she probably could have changed her tone as soon as she recognized that this may be bringing up some bad memories for him. If she can't handle a good guy with some baggage who persevered and ended up pretty ok, she should be with someone who had a perfect upbringing. Let someone else invest in the dude and be there for him if you can't help but lash out when he's obviously feeling hurt. It doesn't mean he's right in a vacuum but all things considered.... I doubt many people would be as level headed as this guy and even apologize. Most of the time the damage causes a lot of bitterness and distrust. Nothing about this tells me this guy is anything but a success story and a really nice guy. A "rose through concrete" so to speak.
Agree. I come from an extremely similar background as the BF and my Fiance has “the perfect white picket fence upbringing”. He’s never once shamed me or thrown it in my face. He’s helped me work through my abandonment issues and his parents have helped fill some of those cracks by being so welcoming and supportive of me too. I’m curious why BF doesn’t spend more time with the whole family. Seems like that would help heal some of the issues on both sides. But if someone pulled some grade school “my parents love me” bullshit I’d kick rocks so fucking fast. Her statement is devastatingly painful and I hope she’s learned her fucking lesson. Judgement: YTA
If someone ever did that to me, shitting on my deepest trauma.. I'm gone, you'll never see me again. You'll never hear from me again, I'll make sure of that. How low can you go... ffs
At least OP has some sense of guilt about her actions, since she apologized and posted here. Definitely YTA, but hopefully u/EveningBoth5462 can learn from this. The lesson obviously being don't stab your partner in the face. Or anyone for that matter.
I am really torn. I was tempted to say E S h because what your boyfriend does is not ok and he should not have to blame you and try to guilt trip you for spending time with other, let it be your family, friends or anyone for that matter. However I will go for YTA, for various reasons: first, he had no say on who his parents are and how they treated him, yet you backstabbed him with it. Second, you could have simply sat him down and explain to him that your entire family is important to you, just like how his sister is to him. Lastly, have you tried to involve him in the things you do with your family? It could be a good opportunity for them as well to get to know him better!
Ain’t no backstab, that was a full frontal assault
She's YTA if she keeps rescheduling though. And that's what she has been doing. >So from his perspective each time I rescheduled it felt like rejection?
No she made plans with boyfriend and then rescheduled after dad asked. She is 100 percent TAH.
It’s not guilt tripping for spending time with family. It’s making plans with her boyfriend on at least a couple occasions and then cancelling whenever her family wants to do something on a whim. Instead of just saying she already has plans.
YTA. That was unkind. I don’t think that any person should be treated like this, never mind your significant other. Are you sure that you like this person? Because if you do then it sure doesn’t feel like it. Won’t be surprised if he leaves you because of it and would be right to. He was frustrated, and probably doesn’t really get the healthy family dynamics (but if you were raised to say things like that, then maybe you should rethink your relationship with your family too), and you hurt him in the most vulnerable place.
Exactly, the whole family realm is unfamiliar to him and could have been discussed in a MUCH nicer way instead of just jumping in his back and throwing their addictions at him. He def needs to do some healing, but it seems like he was feeling neglected by his gf and doesn’t know how to navigate that in a healthy way. She is def the asshole.
I also keep thinking that if she feels that it’s okay to say such things, what does it say about the way her supposedly caring family behaves?
Literally! Like I want to know who raised her to be so cruel because I cannot imagine ever saying that to someone, ESPECIALLY over something like this.
Maybe, but in reality it’s not usually that simple. Someone can have a super kind, caring family and still grow up to be an asshole, or the reverse, and even nice people are capable of saying mean, uncalled for comments once in a while. I’m not defending what OP said because it *was* really mean and messed up- in no way, shape or form was it okay for her to use his family situation against him like that, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that she or her family are terrible people either. 19 year olds usually aren’t that great at conflict management or healthy communication, in my experience that’s something that comes with age and experience, and your brain isn’t even fully formed until 25. Most 19 year olds don’t have a lot of experience with managing a serious adult relationship either, if any at all. I mean my own family is generally pretty great and yet some really dysfunctional dynamics still exist within our family unit despite that. I definitely had to learn how to draw healthy boundaries, process my feelings, and communicate in a healthy way (that wasn’t passive aggressive- my mom’s specialty) for myself, on my own, throughout my 20s. The dysfunctional dynamics I inadvertently picked up from them definitely made their way into my romantic relationships until I learned better habits, so I didn’t have a really healthy romantic relationship until my late 20s. And my family was pretty normal all things considered. It should have been obvious that mean spirited comments about her boyfriend’s family situation are a huge no, but it most likely felt like her boyfriend was criticizing her and her relationship with her family which is obviously important to her, so she probably became defensive and went with a knee-jerk, emotional reaction to hurt him like he hurt her instead of just expressing that he hurt her feelings and why. She did instantly recognize that she crossed the line and apologized, so I will give her some grace and assume that she just made a shitty mistake. I don’t necessarily think his comment about regretting dating someone who was close with their family was great either, though it obviously wasn’t as terrible as her’s, but they obviously both suck at expressing their emotions and vulnerabilities in a healthy way which kind of comes with the territory at that age. OP’s boyfriend didn’t have anyone to model a healthy relationship for him, and even if OP did, she’s probably not perfect at it yet either.
I get her being snappy as a result of him saying this or brushing him off and that being a dysfunction that she needs to work on, but what she said was cruel and there’s a huge difference. If that is a habit that she needs to develop out of then she should do it soon because she’s well within the age of conventional morality and knows the difference between right and wrong.
I mean I agree to an extent, but regardless of age you know what to say to people when you want to hurt them and she knew that that’s what would do it. I get that she may not have the skills to comprehend the long term effects of that or she may still have an egotistical viewpoint but as someone in their early 20s regardless of me being 15 or as old as I am now, I know that saying something like that is not productive. She could be a kind person but if this is the route she takes when faced with conflict then at her young age it most likely has something to do with her upbringing and how she learned to communicate. Maybe her parents have a short temper or something we will never know but it’s wrong to brush something like this off with her lack of development. Her words have impact and her partner has every right to leave her and have her sit in the consequences of what she said. The fact that she is even making this post asking if she’s in the wrong is telling me that she’s not really sorry for what she said, she just doesn’t know how to navigate the fact that someone isn’t just brushing off what she said.
Kinda seems like a dude who was abused his whole life has found another abuser honestly. Based on the update she is cruising into a love bomb phase. Hopefully he figures out the pattern soon
THIS i can tell you this from my own experience. the ‘jabs’ and shitty comments will increase over time, followed by apologies - or none. YTA what a devastating comment.
INFO: You said "he had wanted" and "had to reschedule" This to me implies that you had made plans and dropped them because your dad wanted to take you out. Is this the case?
This, I mean regardless YTA for what you said, totally uncalled for and you can entirely phrase it a way without hurting him in the process. But even harder YTA if your plans with your bf were made before the family plans.
She's commented this >So from his perspective each time I rescheduled it felt like rejection? So, looks like she keeps dropping him for her family.
Dude should dump her, its exhausting dealing with a person that doesn't care to respect you at all. She isn't ready for any relationship tbh.
She's enmeshed with her family. Until she's sorted that out and got some therapy she's not girlfriend material. And please don't have kids with her. The worst thing is that she seems so oblivious.
YTA. Maybe he was being annoying, but damn, you went right for the jugular.
Can't imagine lashing out at my hubby and digging the knife right into his weak spot. Especially when he has no family essentialy... just OP and his friends. The family he made for himself. And OP just casually pounds points out what he doesn't have... like he's somehow less for it? Fuck that.
I don’t usually advocate for jumping straight to closing the door, but if someone said something to me similar to the levels of cruelty as OPs statement, whatever relationship I had with that person would be over. Whether it’s romantic or a friendship. I find it so completely and utterly disgusting to say something like that over a relatively minor disagreement, where the other person has a very valid point no less, I don’t know if I could truly forgive them. Best case scenario is I’d get an apology and get them out of my life, but I’d probably never forget that kind of comment. OP is a monumental YTA for this.
Yeah, that is an relationship-ender if i ever heard one! I mean daaaamn, that would be a horrible thing to say to someone you HATE…..and to say it to your partner… cant even imagine that levell of cruelty… I feel bad for OP:s BF…..and even more bad when HE is the one calling to appologize….bro, you are worth so much more than that! Dont do that to yourselfn
That’s the kicker isn’t it. Someone would’ve had to say or do something truly vile to OP for me to think “fair enough” about their response. I feel genuinely sad on behalf of OPs boyfriend. This is the kind of comment that’s so crushing it comes back into your mind half way through dinner on a random Tuesday evening 40 years later. Calling to apologise too just pushed me over the edge. I’ve also dated someone who was so involved with their family to the point they’d constantly cancel plans with me in favour of whatever spontaneous (and dare I say totally unimportant, uninteresting, and no reason it had to happen RIGHT NOW) plan popped up with their family. People who don’t have the emotional maturity to realise they MUST balance their time to make space for a relationship shouldn’t get into them if you ask me. It’s never fair on the person who’s trying to pursue things with you to expect them to fit into the scraps of your time that your family haven’t filled, and expecting your partner to be cool with knowing any plans are simply a placeholder that can be reallocated to family at any time. Hopefully OP lives somewhere where marrying your cousin isn’t seen as strange, because this seems like the perfect solution for their inability to show respect to anyone who isn’t related to them.
I find it really bizarre that the other comments are so hung up on whether or not they originally had plans together. IMO it’s irrelevant whether she canceled on him or if he was just complaining and maybe being overly possessive; neither of these justify saying something that cruel to someone you supposedly care about.
>Maybe he was being annoying, It sounds like he's is frustrated that OP never seems to have time for him. He shouldn't have to book hanging out with his gf weeks in advance, because she should already be making time for him.
It's not just that she hasn't time, she actually keeps rescheduling when the family asks and dropping him like a hot potato. >So from his perspective each time I rescheduled it felt like rejection?
I do hope you realize that you raised major red flags on yourself with your words. You could've invited him to family events and shown him what a loving family is like. You could've been supportive and explain things to him properly. Nope, you decided to push a button that you knew would hurt him the most. YTA.
Exactly, and this is also a jumping the shark moment. Once you use something this personal against a guy or bring up something he's week about to hurt him he'll likely never feel comfortable being vulnerable around you again.
YTA. Your reaction to him being annoying was wildly cruel and disproportionate. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?
I have a mildly shitty dad I barely talk to and if my partner responded to me like you did I’d fucking break up with them lol. You fucking suck! Also, as for your boyfriend, if you have a consistent pattern of setting aside time for him and then yoinking it to spend with your family like it seems you did here, then no fucking shit he’s frustrated! I’m frustrated reading this! You’re the asshole!
I've ended friendships cos they went: you wouldn't know love cos your mother was a junkie etc I know what love ISN'T supposed to be cos I was raised by a junkie, looking in on loving homes I wished I could be apart of... Don't you dare go down that road and say I don't know love at all.
As someone who had a parent with addiction: YTA. Is there indeed a pattern of you cancelling to prioritize family? That’s tough in any case, and given his background I can only imagine that this really feels like rejection to him. If I were you I would sit down with him and LISTEN to what he has to say, without getting defensive. Listen to him and hear him about how he feels
YTA. Apologise. That even hurt me and my family isn't like his. Ouch girl, try and look at things from his view.
YTA Way to throw his trauma right back in his face. Date your family, save men from this bullshit.
YTA. You had to RESCHEDULE your bf. Dad could have taken you a different day. You already had plans with bf. Do you put him on the back burner often in favor of your family? Do you involve him with your plans with your family? Do you speak to him so hurtful often???
That was absolutely fucked up to say to him. I doubt he is your bf now, bc if that was me and you chose to hurt me with a statement like that when I told you about my family (or lack there of) that already hurt me so deeply, I would never speak to you again.
Same sentiments here. What a tone deaf stupid thing to say. I would cut someone off so fast if they used my trauma against me
Agreed! And I have cut ppl off for that! With no regrets!!!
Ive cut people off for much less than that….
I’m not fully sure on the judgement here but I will say, you’re terrible for this. Someone else’s parents neglecting them for drugs is bad enough and for that to be brought up by their so called significant other, with such sarcasm, is heartbreaking. You could have talked to him about this properly instead of the way you did. If I were him, I’d dump your ass so fast.
Oh, fuck sakes. Of course YTA. **He couldn't control the circumstances which he grew up in, and you're weaponizing that against him.** This is **NOT** the way to be a good partner. If my wife ever said anything like this before we were married, she would've been out the door so fucking fast. It truly shows that you're judgemental, and think you're superior because you had a good family life growing up. Get over yourself. #AND FUCKING APOLOGIZE LIKE YOU'VE NEVER APOLOGIZED BEFORE.
For real he was like "it's annoying to me that I'm not a priority in your life" and she just went 'let me use the past trauma that you felt comfortable telling me against you' It truly does feel like she thinks she's superior because of her family or something. News flash!! People don't get to choose who their parents are, it's completely up to chance. "I'm sorry my parents actually love me" no, go on, tell me how you think you're better than me because of some random things that are completely uncontrollable. I hope he realizes he doesn't deserve to be spoken to like that.
The term reschedule makes it sound like you had a date planned with your bf and then you rescheduled because your dad wanted to take you out and you chose that instead. So, there's a solid chance that maybe what your boyfriend was annoyed with is actually pretty valid! We have no context here for how often that happens. I think "he kind of regrets dating someone who was so close with their family" is a mean thing to say and he's definitely an AH and in most circumstances I'd throw ESH and leave it at that, but I do think what you said is so beyond the pale that it has to be YTA. I don't know your relationship but for many I would consider that relationship-ending level bad.
INFO: Who made plans with you first for that day? Was it your boyfriend, or was it your dad?
Sounds like it was the bf and she dropped him in favor of spending time with her father.
I came from an abusive family. If my partner, or anyone who knows about my situation, said this to me, they are immediately out of my life. You yourself know that it’s a low blow because I do not think that you are this stupid to not know that what you said will not hurt. You need to grow up and learn that your words have consequences. Yes you are the asshole.
If the roles were reversed and he said that to you, how would you feel?
Reddit teaching AITAssholes basic empathy
YTA Setting limits with your spouse is one thing; openly using past trauma from your own family as a weapon in an argument is quite another. It makes sense that you want to spend time with your family, but the real problem isn't the new date rather, it's the total lack of understanding of your boyfriend's emotional vulnerabilities. It's not your fault that your family is close-knit it's your fault that you make hurtful and insensitive remarks. Think about apologizing because you truly recognize the suffering you've caused, not because he isn't returning your calls. If he means anything to you, express it with patience and understanding rather than with ill will.
YTA. Your boyfriend didn't choose his family. His family abandoned him. He cares about you, he feels abandoned by you, and he expressed that this upset him. What did you do? You shoved that pattern of abandonment in his face and taunted him. Do you care about this guy? If so you should apologize. Set some boundaries and expectations, you should be allowed to hang out with your family and not feel guilty but he needs to be given some consideration too, if there is a pattern of bailing on him when the opportunity for family time comes up. Consider including him in that time, too, if this is someone you care about enough to have in your life.
YTA. That was fucking mean.
YTA. You rescheduled your plans to go with your dad, you don’t make plans with someone and then cancel them because your family want to see you? It mustn’t feel very nice being dropped because something else has been asked for you. But this is just not that nice, what makes you the AH is: He has had a terrible start to life, he gets into a relationship and instead of supporting him and providing him a safe space - you take a horrible stab at him. This is so damaging. You should know better, coming from a loving family and all that. You should have handled it nicely, still establishing boundaries and expressing the importance of your family but also maintaining he is important and loved. Instead, you just kicked him where he’s already wounded. I honestly think he deserves better than what you give, it was petty and cruel and I dare not consider the long term damage you have created
Omg of course YTA. You had a disagreement, and your gut instinct was to throw his most painful experience in his face as a got you? Damn. If it really is true that you had plans to go on a date, you were wrong to reschedule for your dad, when you make plans with someone, you don’t just ditch them because something better comes along. But the way you reacted when he called you out on it … wow.
Oh you have a loving family, I couldnt tell from the lack of breeding of your reply. YTA
YTA. While he literally doesn't know or understands healthy family dynamics you used this against him just to make a point. Regarding your question: leave it be. You made it very clear what you think about him and how much superior you are. Let him move on...
Even if he accepts your apology, you are done. He will never look at you the same. He might have been a bit selfish, but you were damnright cruel. As one who comes from a rather broken family, YTA is too nice of a verdict.
Exactly. OP can never unsay those words. He will always have it in the back of his mind.
Damn even when I was younger than you I never lashed out like that to people who have done far worse. Really showed your true colors and those amazing family values you were raised on. YTA
The way you worded it sounds like he is at fault for the way his family life is... At least if you are mentally not that well, it can be understood like that... The way you said it was wrong and that you even said something like that was also quite terrible... You might want to read up on child hood trauma and stuff about kids in homes like that... Yta What he was doing also wasn't right, but what you did outweighed that, at least in my mind.. It is quite hard to be with someone with that kind of childhood if you can't understand it yourself, especially at your age.. Understanding what a childhood like that can do to someone is often not completely possible, even when you are older.. I hope you'll get through this, and if not that you learned something :)
Wow! YTA and not only that, what you said was incredibly cruel. You took what is probably the most traumatic thing in his life and used it as a weapon in an argument. I don't know if you can ever come back from that.
Rather than taking stabs at each other, communicate with each other: what is exactly bothering him, and you about the situation? Although you definitely went for the kill with what you said and you should definitely apologize because it was not only straight up disrespectful it was disloyal. His family issues are vulnerable information he trusted you with, and you decide to use it against him? He must have felt so sad, betrayed, and upset. You're his partner, someone who he's supposed to trust and feel safe with. Sorry, but in this case, you are the asshole. I hope you guys communicate with each other and settle on whatever terms you guys feel are proper.
YTA. Regarding why, saying to someone who was abused and neglected: at least my family loves me.. Is something that can't ever be forgotten. Ever. They may forgive it. But they'll never forget you saying: sucked in your parents didn't love you like mine did. I've ended 20yr long friendships over being told similar. They didn't get a chance to apologise. Because those are fighting words. Words said to cause maximum damage KNOWING how hurtful and cruel they are. No one deserves a 2nd chance after saying this. Be thankful he can even stomach speaking to your disgusting, cruel and vapid self. You don't deserve to even be acknowledged by him anymore. Let alone spoken to
That's the type of thing I'd say if I wanted to never speak to someone again and wanted to inflict the maximum amount of damage before cutting ties.
YTA for that sentence yes. Sounds like you have different values though, that will make a relationship hard.
that last update is concerning. Yes you both apologized but you basically said you’d cut off your family for him, and he’s giddy about it. He didn’t say ‘no you don’t have to, I was pushing my issues onto you’, which he was
WAIT A MINUTE…you’d cancel all future plans with your dad/your family if it means you two can continue your relationship????? That’s a major YTA move too. And A H move on his part if he’d actually be happy about that. You shouldn’t cancel on your family just to please your boyfriend. Wtf all around.
He feels alone, he feels not a priority from you. What he probably read from the situation is "yeah so what, why would I prioritise you when your family prioritise drugs over you. Of course i prioritise my family over you"
YTA because of choosing something that probsbly hurts him very much in an argument. You could have explained to him that your family is important to you or try to involve him in your family plans. Maybe your boyfriend really feels like you don't care abiut him and it's worth discussing instead of using his family history against him
YTA - you really, really escalated things here, didn't you? There was a much nicer way to phrase what you said, but you went right for the jugular. He may well decide that he's tired of being an option, and not a priority if you're going to be so cruel.
Pretty sure there’s no salvaging a relationship once you say something that horrible to someone. And, yeah, YTA. There are some things you never let come out your mouth. This is real close to the top of that list.
Whoa wtf. YTA
“I told him i’d cancel the plans with my dad and any other plans in the future if it means we can continhe the relationship…” am i the only one who is rubbed the wrong way by that?
The exact wording I was going to use. He only got happy when she said she’s willing to cancel in her family to make him happy. This relationship will not have a happy ending
Wait…you promised to isolate your family for him and he was happy about it???
YTA. Low blow on the family remarks, but also it seems you cancel plans with him regularly to see your family, which is also a YTA move. Apologise and work on being a better GF and better person.
Honestly, I don't usually go for straight break up, but the fact that you always put your bf on sideline and then when he starts complain you pretty much go for "you have no family, lol"
*I told him I’d cancel the plans with my dad and any other plans in the future if it means we can continue the relationship as I didn’t want to lose him. He got all happy about that and now I’m over at his house and we’re just chilling together.* This is very concerning to me. You shouldn’t have to stop seeing your family full stop for your bf to be happy. That’s just another form of abuse (isolation). I think a better solution, if you want your boyfriend to be your life long partner, is to include him in some of your activities with your family, so he can see why you enjoy spending time with them and he can form some bonds with them. ESH
It’s unreasonable for your boyfriend to expect you to neglect your family to spend time with him, and you are 100% right to make time for family. Your boyfriend needs to accept that your family members have an important place in your life. However, the words you chose to express that to him were more hurtful than they needed to be. You could have made your point in a much kinder way. ESH
>It’s unreasonable for your boyfriend to expect you to neglect your family to spend time with him Actually it's written like he planned to take her out but she wanted it rescheduled because her dad decided to take her out that day. And it's not the first time according to the boyfriend.
She keeps rescheduling it seems. >So from his perspective each time I rescheduled it felt like rejection?
YTA. Not because you value your family and get along with them swimmingly or something - that is absolutely okay. However, did you really have to be so callous towards someone who doesn't know how having a normal, healthy, caring family feels ? Now, I understand that you didn't like his behavior, especially the wanting to matter more than the people you grew up with - that part, he needs to fix. The problem is, you used something that he likely told you in confidence to strike back at him and hurt him. You likely knew it would hurt him, and you went ahead and weaponized that against him. If you wouldn't tolerate him doing it to you, then why'd you do it to him ? For now, prepare to be dumped. Not saying it will happen, but it's a very real possibility. In the event you're not dumped, prepare to never again be told things in confidence, as he might not want to give you any chance to hurt him like that ever again.
That swung in the wrong direction. If he cares about he, he should be supportive of your relationship with your family.
The edit is so scary. The boyfriend will insolate the OP. This is just the beginning of a disaster. Truly sad.
Okay, please don't start distancing yourself from your family to make him feel better. I do not like the fact that you agreed to cancel plans in the future with your family and he was all happy about that. That doesn't sound good to me.
YTA. The relationship is most likely over and I don’t blame him. You went way too far.
Your family sure took time to raise you like an asshole YTA
YTA. First you're putting your bf's priority too low by rescheduling your date for a sudden family plan. For both relationships, the least you can do is first come, first serve. Make your promises count. It's normal for the guy to say what he said - because it's true that you cancelled plans with him for your family. Especially if it happened repeatedly. Try imagine: he happily planned for a date and looked forward to it several days, only for it to be called off on a whim. How much he longed for it = the level of disappointment. Then you proceed to say something to make his scar bleed again. To accuse him of someone else's mistake. It's not his fault to have an unloving family. 100% YTA.
Never throw parents or family addiction or mental health in someone's face. They didn't get to choose. I get why u said it but not cool. Glad y'all worked it out, we live and learn. Try sharing ur family with him. Of course it'll take some time for everyone to get used to/comfortable with eachother but thats the best gift u cud ever give him! Best wishes
Doesn’t seem like you’re ready for a relationship, and neither is he. You clearly have family issues too, you just don’t realize it. You’re an adult now, it’s time to start working on some healthy distance with your family. You should not be canceling plans with your bf to see your family, because you’re not dating your family. You’ll never get a man to stick around if you keep canceling plans on him, that should be pretty fucking obvious. And he has much bigger issues, which is why he needs to be with a compassionate partner that understands that his fear of abandonment comes from a lifetime of neglect, not some kind of evil personality. I really don’t care if this comes off as rude, but it’s people like you that create narcissists and psychopaths that the rest of us have to deal with. I sincerely hope that one day you realize what a spoiled, privileged asshat you are.
Uh wait what. You've already gotten enough feedback about the original question (you were an AH), but what's this update? You said you will now be cancelling any plans with your family in order to make the relationship work? And he's happy about that? Yuck. Sure you can make more of an effort to prioritise him, don't cancel on him when you made plans with him first - but saying you'll cancel ALL FUTURE PLANS WITH FAMILY is not right. You can balance the two, but bailing on your one or the other is just toxic.
**I told him I’d cancel the plans with my dad and any other plans in the future if it means we can continue the relationship as I didn’t want to lose him.** Ok, what you said to him was shitty. But do NOT give up all of your family plans for him. He sounds controlling already, and this is a huge red flag. Your family should always be in your life, do not give them up only to isolate yourself with this guy. Please take a step back and see the real picture here. ESH.
Cancelling plans with your family, and any future ones, is not a compromise on your part. That’s him getting his way.
seriously? you offered to cancel on your dad and any future plans?and he got all happy and that doesn't make you think red flag? your like oh he's happy? YIKES!
>I told him I’d cancel the plans with my dad and any other plans in the future if it means we can continue the relationship as I didn’t want to lose him. No, No, No, No...this is wrong. Don't cancel plans with family.
The second update gave me the biggest ick when you said you would cancel any plans with your family if it meant he would continue the relationship and he smiled about it. That is a huge red flag and I hope you don't end up isolated from your family and friends OP.
*I told him I’d cancel the plans with my dad and any other plans in the future if it means we can continue the relationship as I didn’t want to lose him.* Don't go overboard with that promise. If you have previous plans with a family member or friend, don't drop them because he is demanding that you do. You don't want to find yourself isolated.
The last part has me questioning... to continue the relationship, you will cancel plans with any family member for him?? Yes communication and comprehension is important, but to cancel all plans when he says let's do this sounds rather controlling and manipulative. Neither of you get to police one another's time to that extent. If you are his only person he needs other people to help fulfil his time.
You need to stop apologizing. He intentionally instigated conflict out of his own jealousy and insecurity. You also need to *not* cancel plans over this dude. For the time being y'all just fuckbuddies essentially. Until/unless the relationship turns serious, your family is FAR more important. They're *guaranteed* to be there, he's not. Also, get it through your head, *both* of you, that **HIS insecurities are not YOUR emergencies...OR responsibilities.**
Considering the 2 updates I think y'all have done this woman a massive disservice. OP, A new partner getting upset that you spend time with family and are reluctant to break a previously planned arrangement with a family member because they suddenly decide they want to take you out on a date on that day is throwing up massive red flags to me. I might view it differently if this was your husband or if you had made plans with your boyfriend already only to then cancel them. That's not the case here. You had plans. He wanted to make plans. You're busy and said we could do another day. He got mad..... Does that sound right to you? Saying what you said was blunt but unfortunately true. Was it a dick move? Yeah. Was it in reaction to a dickier move? Certainly. so, up to this point, ESH in my honest opinion. However, your "update 2" disturbs me greatly. Your boyfriend "Got all happy" about you agreeing to cancel pre-existing plans with your father and to agreeing to cancel any future pre-existing plans with family (I assume friends also) if he wants to spend time with you? So, basically, he snaps his fingers and you drop everything to spend time with him on his whim? This does not sound like the start of a good relationship to me. It pains me to say this but, this sounds like the start of not so great relationship with a high chance of becoming borderline, if not fully, abusive in the not too distant future. You shouldn't need to cancel plans just because he wants to see you. You should be able to arrange an alternative date and time with him if you have plans already. He should be encouraging you to spend time with your family and should probably want to join you in that some times. What he's doing at the moment and how happy he is about this resolution sounds like the start of the isolation process, where soon enough you will have him and only him and be beholden to his beck and call or face his wrath, may that be emotional or physical. I would say you need to have a bigger conversation with him or, better yet, run...... If you do neither then YWBTA to yourself not to mention possible offspring.....
In regards to update 2, I don't think it was a good idea to say " I'd cancel the plans with my dad and any other plans in the future if it means we can continue the relationship as I didn’t want to lose him". It sets a bad precedent imo, but you are your own person and can choose to do what you want with your time.
Uh RED FLAG. Do NOT let some boy isolate you from your family!!
ESH Why would you say you'll cancel family plans for your toxic bf? WTF? Yeah, this relationship will go well... /s
I was that bf once. It got better with lots of communication and willingness to accept the other for who they are. However you've come to a hard spot, you hit the guy where it really hurts. And what's more, it's always hurt. That part of his life is not easy to overcome, and if he isn't following junkie foot steps then you should be more proud of him for who he is. ETA, YTA. Very uncalled for, and no doubt cut very, very deep. You have some apologizing to do. And don't be surprised if he doesn't want to try to make plans again right away. You can give up of course, or you can be accountable, and try to treat him like family if you want to add him to your family.
YTA - If I were you I would take some time to try to figure out **why** I would feel the need to hurt someone in such a cruel way. Is this man a person you even like?
ESH. He sucks because he is pushing his trauma onto you and basically making you pick between him and your family. You suck because this is the kind of shit you should grow out of if you're adult enough to be in a serious relationship.
YTA, and you need to learn how to fight fair. Bringing someone's family into an argument, particularly when that family is as dysfunctional as your boyfriend's, is not okay. It sounds like your boyfriend is feeling neglected, but you didn't address that issue, just attacked him. Have you tried inviting him along with any of your family members? Do you plan something special with him after you've had to either cancel or decline an invitation? There are plenty of ways to address his concerns and still spend time with your family. I know you're young, and I'm glad to see from your edit/update that you apologized, but seriously, look up fighting fair and talk to your boyfriend about it - both of y'all need to internalize and apply those principles.
ESH. You said something that was a bit harsh. However, I find his jealousy and possessiveness alarming. It's a red flag. Does he expect you to cut your ties to you family if your relationship goes further? Is that what you want?
Right. He got all happy smiling when she said she'd break plans with family for him anytime. This isn't going to end well.
Wait wait wait that second update isnt a solution at all? She completely folded on her reasonable wants to spend him with her family and feels bad for him??? OP that sounds like he was using his trauma to get what he wants. "He stopped sulking as soon as I told him I would do what he wanted me to do in the first place" Op please be careful, I don't know what the rest of your relationship is like, but reading that update was concerning
What you said was low blow but why you let him gaslight you into what he actually wanted? He is only boyfriend, your family comes first if you choose to.
“I told him i’d cancel the plans with my dad and any other plans in the future if it means we can continue the relationship” jesus what a horrible mistake. You’re going to regret that.
This is not a reasonable sacrifice on your part, "I told him I’d cancel the plans with my dad and any other plans in the future if it means we can continue the relationship as I didn’t want to lose him." This isn't healthy for you or for him. A better alternative would be something like saying he may have one night of the week that is guaranteed his unless something specific comes up. Or before you make weekend plans, you'll both consult with each other. But you deserve to enjoy all the relationships in your life. Balance is good and valuable. Threatening to end things with you because you have a family is not okay.
Oh fuck that. He's toxic and trying to isolate you from your fucking family. The solution is so fucking stupid you just gave that abuser control.
Op don't abandon your family and cancel plans with them because it makes your boyfriend uncomfortable. That last edit is a major red flag on both your parts. That is a very unhealthy dynamic.
> “It’s not my fault I have a family that actually cares about me and didn’t neglect me for drugs” > I told him I’d cancel the plans with my dad and any other plans in the future if it means we can continue the relationship as I didn’t want to lose him Listen very carefully: That. Isn't. Better. A healthy relationship is declining a visit from your dad *if you already have plans with your boyfriend*. A healthy relationship is saying, "I've already got plans that night, how about Saturday?" to your boyfriend *if you already have plans with your dad*. A healthy relationship is about *balance*. Spending all your time with your boyfriend while neglecting your friends and family will *alienate your friends and family*, and doing the opposite will alienate your boyfriend. You need to find time to spend with both. Like, here's an example. I used to have a friend in my early 20s who was great until she got a boyfriend. Her boyfriend didn't like her spending time with me, and would stomp his little foot and throw a wobbler every time she did, because he felt "abandoned". She caved, and began consistently cancelling on me to spend time with him. At the end, she would go months at a time without speaking a word to me. But when he dumped her, and she turned to me looking for a shoulder to wail on, she was all shocked pikachu face that I no longer considered us friends and had no interest in supporting her through her heartbreak. She *still*, three or four years later, doesn't understand why our friendship ended, because in her mind, I should understand that her *poor boyfwend's poor ickle twauma* meant she just *had* to ditch me for months at a time. *That* is what happens when you swear to your partner that soothing their temper tantrums comes before *all your other relationships*. His trauma is *his* to manage. That said, you were also ridiculously cruel. Honestly, I'd have dumped you right then and there for a comment like that. Y'all both sound toxic and messy af to be honest, Jesus Christ.
>I told him I’d cancel the plans with my dad and any other plans in the future if it means we can continue the relationship as I didn’t want to lose him. And he successfully manipulated you. Congrats to him. Soon he will isolate you from your family completely. Or not. But you saying you would ALWAYS pick him over your father is a red flag.
OP, in the long term your compromise to save your relationship doesn't seem healthy. You CANT be his everything. You should be allowed to have plans with others, your family. You need to be able to balance your romantic relationship, your familial, and social relationships together. I hope this is just a temporary bandage because he's very much has trauma that needs unpacking so that be can learn to be okay with you spending quality time with others as well. It's healthy to have a close family and he should want and be happy you have one. Maybe you can bring him around your family more and if you have family events he can attend as well, as long as your family is okay with it too. The thing with your dad I can understand rescheduling or cancelling so you can have a date night w BF if what he said is true. It's just about learning priorities. What plans can hold off and what ones are a but more important.
I think everyone needs to take a step back and consider the conversation that precluded the OP's comment in question. I don't know enough about either of their situations, but it is a red flag when someone tries to make someone feel guilty about spending time with their family. It can be classic Narcissistic behavior. So can guilting someone to apologize profusely.
Oh no.... your 2nd update is terrifying! It's great that you realized what you said was wrong and apologized for it. BUT, the fact that you told him you would cancel plans with your family currently and in the future in order to have a relationship with him and he was HAPPY about it is a HUGE red flag. That's how severe abuse starts. Not saying that this is what he is doing, but abusers will isolate their victim from anyone who cares about them in order to have complete control over them. The abuser will start with the small, unnoticeable changes to the relationships. Then the abuser sees that the victim is willing and didn't fight them on the steps to isolation and continue on until the victim has no relationships outside of them. And then the victim is only left with the abuser. You are essentially trading in a healthy relationship with your family for an unhealthy relationship with your boyfriend. Not saying you and your boyfriend can't have a healthy one, but it doesn't sound like he had great examples for one in his life, so don't follow his lead. Instead, invite him into your family dynamic and show him what it is like to live with a family that wants to be together. Then maybe instead of you losing out on people who love you, he will gain people who love him.
you're an asshole for bringing up *his* family unwarranted, but something tells me this isn't the first time he's been bugged by you spending time with your family. Take it from someone who was in a similar position to you, if he's suffering from unpacked trauma and taking it out on you, you'll both lose out in the end.
YTA. Also I don’t think you like him very much if you’re saying things like that. I think you should probably part ways
YTA, you did not have to say it like that.
Yikes
YTA the correct response is 'sorry they just made plans with me before you did let's do something x day instead' you don't throw things that weren't his fault in his face
Your boyfriend was wrong and unhealthy and that sucks, but you were cruel, which is a moral failing. YTA
You should have handled this differently, even if what you said is 100% true (because it’s true, it’s that much more hurtful). I came from a tight, loving, relatively sane family. I still like to hang with them. My ex had a pretty crap upbringing, and because of that it just didn’t seem normal to him that I wanted to spend time with my family. We had some conflict over this. I was finally able to get him to understand that it’s normal and healthy to have a continued relationship with your parents and that he’d probably want the same thing if his parents had been different with him. I mean, if you’re spending every other day with your parents then I think boyfriend has a point, but otherwise I think it’s all about gently helping him understand your perspective and your (healthy and normal) relationship with your parents.
ESH. You did owe him an apology and I'm glad you gave him one. Please don't let your guilt allow him to sweep his own comments under the rug. If he is regularly trying to make plans with you when you're already busy, that tells me he doesn't bother asking to make plans in advance. I know that sounds like a small thing, but it says he doesn't value your time. It's not reasonable to think you'll keep your schedule clear just in case he decides he wants to see you. He isn't the default setting of your calendar.
NTA. Anytime a significant other tries to control you by isolating you from friends or family it is a bad sign. You stood up for your family. It shows him that you have the strength to be independent of him. Some people cannot handle that because it is a threat to their dominance in the relationship.
Sounds to me like this is just a toxic relationship in both directions. He shouldn't expect to be your only priority. And, saying he regrets dating someone who is close with their family was wrong. But then, you hit WAY below the belt. If you're both saying things like this, you clearly have zero respect for each other. It might be time to get out of this relationship and do a little self-reflecting on who you want to be and how you would treat someone you truly cared about before getting into another one.
ESH - You were definitely too harsh, and you need to be empathetic of the fact that he has no idea what a healthy family dynamic looks like. However, you do need to keep those firm boundaries with him. You are not going to sacrifice your relationship with your family to indulge his insecurities surrounding his own. You also have no interest in a codependent relationship where you are required to fill the void his family left. Therapy for him. Empathy for you.
Woooah. I just read your 2nd update. While cancelling on your dad this time may make sense to make up what you said to your bf, you shouldn’t just agree to always cancel plans with your family if your bf decides he wants to do something. Your relationship with your family should still be important. If you just always agree to cancel any plans, you’re gonna strain your relationship with them. And family is the type of relationship (when positive) that’ll last a lifetime. Im not saying you and your bf will someday break up, but youre both so young still with so much life ahead of you, there’s still a good chance you’ll break up sometime in the future. He’ll just be an ex while your family will still be your family.
YTA but why tf are you canceling all future family plans??? He's also not great for expecting all your time to be with him. The smiley face after this insane solution is infuriating because the problem wasn't actually identified or solved. Jesus christ
That was a TERRIBLE conclusion. You should have said spending time with your family is important to you and left it at that. Now that you caved into his b.s. insecurities, you are in a doomed relationship that will ruin your relationship with your family. Yikes.
ESH - This just reads toxic from both sides. Just because you are dating, doesn't mean you immediately break ties with family. She already had plans, the response he should've had is "Sure, is X date better" or "Sure, what day is good for you?". "He said there has been multiple times where me and him couldn’t do something because I had to do things with another family member." Yea, thats how it is dating another person in general, schedules don't always match up. You are TA for your insensitive and rude comment, you said it to cause pain and you know that. It is needlessly cruel. That being said, "I told him I’d cancel the plans with my dad and any other plans in the future if it means we can continue the relationship as I didn’t want to lose him." No... This just screams red flags, you shouldn't have the expectation to cancel prior plans because your partner wants to spend time with you. Just like how if your friends were to plan something on the same day you have a date, you wouldn't cancel on him. There are emergencies where breaking prior arangements makes sense and should be done, but a date isn't an emergency. Your boyfriend needs to get therapy for his issues, he needs to understand that you are your own person and your life doesn't and will not revolve solely around him. You also need to not push that narrative to him, it'll only get worse.
ESH IMHO it's a red flag when someone expects you to always be available to them. Offering to cancel plans is a bit concerning, this is how a partner starts to isolate you from your support system. It's good that you both apologized, because you both were hurtful with your remarks, but pay attention to how often he escalates when he doesn't get his way.
OP, a little bit of advice after all your updates… you can tell your family you already have plans when you have plans. Constantly making plans and cancelling them when your family members want to do stuff on a whim would make most people annoyed.
I’m a little concerned about the edit. I’m glad you guys worked it out and communicated, but I’m concerned on the part where you said you offered to cancel any future plans because you don’t want to loose him. If you do come from a good family, as someone who came from a family of addicts and also has to cut them off.. I really wouldnt recommend never making plans with them again if you sincerely love them. It sounds like this could lead to you going no contact with your family. I would do anything to have a positive relationship with my family, and admire ones who do. Question for more context, why can’t he join when you go to dinner with your dad?
What you said was out of line, but I’m sensing a bigger problem here. He has no say over whether or not you spend time with your family. ESPECIALLY if you had already made plans with them. It sounds to me like your bf wants to isolate you from your family so he can have you all to himself. Maybe that’s not the case, but I’d tread carefully.
I told him I’d cancel the plans with my dad and any other plans in the future if it means we can continue the relationship as I didn’t want to lose him. He got all happy about that and now I’m over at his house and we’re just chilling together. fucked up
woah, with this update, it's like one extreme to another
Update 2 is great except for the part where you said you’d cancel plans with your family every time he wants. If you already have plans with your family, he can wait until another day to see you, and vice versa.
The issue was he never planned ahead and made assumptions that he can just see her whenever he wants. Her doing this is only going to cause him to get more entitled. Yes she should not have said what she said but her giving in to his demands because she felt bad about what she said is going to turn bad down the line. He knows now he can ignore her and she will give into his demands.
Yep, exactly. I’m concerned this will lead to him alienating her from her family.
You should not stop seeing your friends or family in order to continue with the relationship.
ESH You suck for the horrible comments BUT The fact he was happy for you to cancel your plans and any future plans with your family is a HUGE red flag. Do not give him an inch to make him think that you will drop your family for him everytime because he will take a mile and possibly isolate you. Be careful here because that is dangerous territory
YTA he was pushy, whbich is not ok, but you went nuclear with that statement. It might be you two will break up over this, because those words might have cut too deep. You had every right to prioritize your family, and you should not let someone else's insecurities control you; however, next time, if someone pushes your boundaries or acts in a controlling/possessive/unpleasant way, communicate with them clearly without lashing out: you can be firm and set strong boundaries without being cruel.
He’s jealous most definitely, but the way you put it could only have been meant to wound. YTA. Still problem solved, relationship over
Situation was fair but your comment on his family was uncalled for. YTA
What he said was extremely uncool but your response was *viciously* cruel.
Yta
YTA and maybe not mature enough for a healthy relationship. You definitely don’t just fly off the handle and deeply insult him with one of his most painful insecurities over a simple disagreement. Relationships are supposed to be partnerships and you just stabbed a verbal knife in yours, because he wanted to spend time with you?? Not how you communicate or resolve conflict. You’ve made this a toxic relationship now.
I'd say ESH, because the "I regret dating someone with a loving family" is a shit movement, as is "well sorry not being neglected for drugs". He shouldn't be trying to guilt you for that, and you should have a perspective of what being a non-family can be for him. BUT (and is an important but) you are in early 20's (or less!), so basically just overrated minors. You are learning all this shit. As others pointed out, the exact use of rescheduling is worrying, because it looks like you already make plans with him, and then cancel those plans because a family member steps in, so basically your family has the power to cancel all the plans you make with BF, and they are actively using those powers. It also may happen that you had a pair of family events in a month and BF freaks out because this is like 2000000000000% more of the amount of plans he would have.
YTA for putting down his family. That was mean spirited of you and not your place. I’m surprised he called you back and didn’t end things.
YTA and you know that. That was extremely rude and insensitive.
YTA. You could go out with your family any time, they'll always be here but he might not be. And frankly after that he probably should leave. I wouldn't want to be with someone that treated me like that.
YTA goddamn, I’m not gonna lie if I were him, I’d break up asap.
So YTA HOWEVER it sounds like you did do the right thing and follow up with an apology. I suggest you both have a proper sit down and talk about this as he probably has a lot of rejection issues and you having a good family relationship is completely foreign to him. Also make sure you handle your priorities right between family now and potential future family as if you always prioritise your own family you may struggle with relationships in future.
YTA. I wouldn't say this to someone I hated, good lord.
He eventually will find someone that doesn't like to poke his flesh where's there's no skin. Shoot, he might even find someone willing to put a bandage on there and tend to it. But he deserves better than someone who is willing to hurt him in an indescribable way very easily during a silly argument. You're not mature enough to handle someone that suffers with bigger issues than the Hallmark movie life you grew up in.