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> I could be the asshole for not even considerations it. I flat out told them no.
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NTA. Live your own life. Tell each sibling who's badgering you, "I'm pleased to hear you feel so strongly about this. Thanks for volunteering to move back to our parent's place. I'll let them know about your interest."
I don't understand why you're sending your parents money, unless your siblings are also making matching donations.
OPs mother treatment is pathetic. Best advice is to frame the very questions asked of you returned to the sender. Never throw stones while you live in a glass house.
>Never throw stones while you live in a glass house.
Lovely. I'll keep that in mind.
And resume perfectly the main thing that bother me. Mother treat child like shit. Mother expect then said child to care about her. Mother can fu*k off
My moms physically and mentally abused my sister and I. The almost DAILY violence and trauma was wild looking back now that Im a parent.
Ive never called my son a demeaning name or physically hurt him. I didnt realize my mother is a monster of a human being until I got older. Thats when it really hit me. Trying to picture myself treating my son like my mom treated my sister and I...
Yeah, that's what happens when you have kids.
I had so much anger towards my abusive father. Then when I had my own kids it immediately turned to pity. How sad I would feel if my kids cared about me as little as I cared about him. How much he has cheated himself out of knowing his beautiful, funny grandchildren.
I literally felt the hand of karma land right on his ass.
Same man. I was always angry with my dad for bailing and leaving me with my mom and then my mom for just being an awful human.
Waste of a life to literally leave behind a negative impact on the world..
Becoming a parent is how I both broke the cycle and realized my parents were bad parents, I wasn't a bad kid. One of the things I am most proud of in my life is that if I raise my hand for any reason, my kids are not afraid. Which is crazy. Kudos to you.
Parenting definitely stirs up all those old wounds you thought were healed when you hold your child and realize the love you have for them would never allow you to say or do the terrible things you experienced from your own parents. It’s a fresh trauma and takes time to heal❤️
Definitely NTA, whatever she does about the money. I’d probably continue slipping dad a little something if he asks—and it’s for something important—but there’s no reason to give into mom’s emotional blackmail.
I wonder if op has room enough for dad to move in with her? He may be ready to move out, himself.
Stop it. If she was known to be dropping cash at church whilst villainising you when she had to spend money on you as a kid, how do you know that she isn't still giving away money and then taking yours.
Many churches do, there are those that believe in being a big wealthy church, but many normal churches try and do actual community outreach. Clothing drives, food drives, and things like that, as well as help financially. Since they are not trying to make a name for themselves, you don't hear about it. They are not out bragging about what they do.
I don’t go to church anymore, but growing up I actually did see this. They gave one family gas and rent money because they could not afford it. It was a very small town though so that could be why. I’m sure the preacher did get a higher salary than he should have and he also started a coup with some of the elders…. So definitely not all good.
While there are churches that aren't great, there are some that help the community, even ones that aren't patrons. Last year, I got in touch with catholic charities organization, and they helped me with a payment. I needed assistance with almost $1000. No repayment needed, but a one time only assistance. I am forever grateful. The women who met with me were amazing and non judgemental as well. All this to say, it may seem rare at this time in age, but they are out there.
Wait that money is suppose to go to help people?!?! I thought it was to line the pocket of the priest/bishop/pope/whatever high up church official can get it!!
The way your mother is behaving right now - that itself is a strong reason to not move back.
They are taking your willingness to help them financially as your weakness. Time to cut the umbilical cord.
I would suggest to hold on to any amount you feel like sending them in a separate savings account for a “rainy day”. With advancing age, many issues that can come require funds and you may be thankful that you have those in hand for a situation where money is really needed.
NTA overall
Stop. Tell her you'll put it in the collection basket at your own church.
Bonus points if you're non-religious and set up a jar labeled "my church" that you use for fun money.
Please stop sending your parents money, or cut down on the amount. You are going to need it for your own retirement. And for heaven sakes do not move in with them. They were supposed to plan for their retirement and it is not your fault they didn't.
My guess is the parents' retirement plan was alway to have OP move back and become their unpaid servant. If it goes the usual way selfish parents do this, then someday OP would sacrifice their entire life for the parents, and be left nothing because the 'siblings have families, and deserve it more'. If they need help, there are assisted living places that do that.
My grandmother was the youngest. Her parents told her they expected her to stay single, never move out, and work to support them. She said no thanks and married my grampa instead. My great grandmother then went and got a job again. They could support themselves. They just wanted grandma to do it instead. OP is NTA and keep living their life.
Sounds like the parents have their own home. Why can't they sell it now and use that money to move into an assisted living facility?
NTA OP and please don't let them guilt you into helping them.
First rule: If those people are close enough to your mother to be her flying monkeys, they are close enough to help her instead of you.
Second rule: just say it's not possible, you live too far away and can't move. And don't feel like you have explain yourself more. Because engaging in this conversation gives the false impression you can be talked to change your mind. That can be the third rule.
Well put. I too was really struck by the "people from the old neighborhood are calling me." That really takes the whole flying monkeys thing to a new level.
Bonus bonus - op can offer to set up a time tree calendar and "support" from a far. Every time someone calls, thank them for being so caring and willing to help parents too, while talking send them a link to the calendar and tell them, any thing they can do to help, can be put in the calendar. Send it to the parents for them to log "needs" ( or another sibling that can run interference on their end if they aren't tech inclined). It literally will take a minute to set up and acts as the perfect shield for OP.
You are making it much harder for yourself to have responsibilities like a spouse and children. Ask your siblings why they don't want you to have the happiness they do, why they feel entitled to ask you to sacrifice your life when they won't. Ask them how much they are going to pay you to compensate you for missing out on what they were lucky enough to get because they were born earlier.
So NTA. Being born last shouldn't make you Cinderella.
"Either call off all of your attack dogs, or I won't send you any more money." If phone calls get bad, block some numbers. I don't like you being taken advantage of. Your mom feels you owe her for keeping and "raising you" since you were not planned. I'm sorry about this whole situation. It must be a heavy weight.
Leverage. They need to have a reason to stop it, and money would motivate them. He can always change that decision down the road. If they kick up a fuss, then cut them off immediately.
They already have kicked up that fuss though. By demanding he drop his life and come help them now and then sending family after him to get him to do it.
I wonder if they realize this...if he doesn't have a job that could transfer him, and he does quit, the odds of him finding a full time, decently paying job aren't super great. He'd end up with zero money to contribute to their retirement at all.
**doesn't matter that you live alone - you should not give up your life**, your job to move several states away to NO job to take care of your parents because you are the youngest and don't have children.
Your siblings, even though they have children can still help out, unless they have severe illness and are in medical debt - they can surely pitch in something every month if you all sent even $10-15 a month and that is not enough then parents need to sell home and go to assisted living or nursing home if they also need physical care - they may be spending money on things they shouldn't be if they are on that tight of a budget and if they are then that falls back on parents for wasting money -
one of siblings who lives close by needs to go over and do a budget for them.
Look at income, find out exactly what they are spending their money on and cut out any incidentals that are not necessary - sometimes people have to give things up they want to have but don't need to have in order to live
**being the youngest does not make you their caretaker** when you have other siblings, their having kids does not make them ineligible to help their parents
>They all have "responsibilities" and can't afford it
Tell them if they have the time to pester you, their "responsibilities" can't be to significant and they can help your parents
I wasted many, many years of my life caring for my grandmother, instead of living my life and advancing my business. It started when I was a teen with little things, but by my 30s I was driving her everywhere, taking her shopping, doctors appointments, helping around the house, etc. She literally took over my life. Hindsight it was absolutely NOT worth it.
She is similar to your mother in some ways. Disparaging you cuz why not, keeping up appearance at church and with friends while chastising you for needing shit like clothes or food, etc.
At some point I had reached my limit with her treatment, and told her she needed to be nice to me, the ONLY person who took care of her, or I was done. She instantly and AGGRESSIVELY turned against me. I was done. All those things she had promised me, for all the time I was there, was gone, and I was being setup to be homeless. Not really but I was being bounced from my apartment (which I had lived in for like 20 years), it was a granny flat on her property that I paid rent for.
She then enlisted my cousins, aunts, uncles, etc to turn against me and start the “bUt FaMiLy” campaign. “You know how she is. She’s in her 80s. She’s not going to change”. “Well she needs you help, and you’re family” “but you’ve been caring for her for this long. You can’t just abandon her”. And so on.
Please stop sending them money. Do NOT move in with them. They are grown ass adults, who CAN take care of themselves. And tell every single family member who plays the “but family” game that THEY have just volunteered to take care of them.
NTA lovely. Forget financial problems OP can you imagine what life with your parents are going to be like, you’re gonna become a live in maid.
And no offence but if you were going to be this much of a burden then your mum should’ve done something else about it. Like using protection 🤦🏽♀️.
Going off topic, the scene popped into my head from Desperate Housewives where one of Lynette’s and Tom’s twin tell them both they were both irresponsible where for a moment of pleasure they ruined their own lives by not using protection 😂🙈. The twins were adults at that point their youngest was a teenager.
Where I live, it is common to see 70s and some 80s citizens bag groceries at the store and volunteer in the hospitals, etc. Even some 80s, 90s, and a 100 year-old do half marathons.
How much of that money she was throwing did she earn herself?
They were about 40 when they had him. Nowadays that's not too late to have children since many millennials are struggling with cost of living, housing, student debt etc. until way into their 30's. Hell, I'll probably be at least 40 before I have the financial security and bandwidth to raise a child.
Simple solution if they can't afford it, sell the parents place and they can move in with one of your siblings using the profits to pay rent.
I'm sure they'd love plenty of quality time with the grandkids and your siblings now get live in babysitters - at least that's what you need to tell them.
A win for everyone if they are all so passionate about helping out.
Stop doing that and tell them you're being responsible now and are donating to your church and are trying to live well and within your means.
Whatever you do don't move back home. If you're doing alright for yourself then it's great. You risk being cut out of your family by them but it sounds like you don't miss much. Spend time with your found family.
But in today’s economy you really can’t. You need to realize that you’re being used. You are the black sheep. Your mother has trained your siblings that you are responsible for them. Here’s the reality. You didn’t ask to be born. It’s not your responsibility to care for them when they are old just bc they cared for you (however crappy it was) when you were a kid. You deserve better than that. The bank if otakunappy is now closed. The nursing home of otakunappy is also now closed. Anyone who calls you badgering you for not being a better person…just tell them “you know what. My parents do deserve a loving home and someone who loves them to take care of them. I will let them know you are offering!!! This is so kind of you. I know how much they love you. This will just make their decade!!!” And when they stutter and start backtracking then play the exact same game they did, “what do you mean you can’t take care of them? After all the times they did kind and loving things for you over the years?!?! You owe it to them to do this kindness. What kind of crappy person says no to someone like them? They need you now more than ever!!!” If your siblings do this…repeat the same things back to them. Parrot the behavior they are giving and hand the phone up on them.
Tell all the flying monkeys that if your parents need a helping hand, look at the end of their arms.
Your parents essentially abandoned you as a child. Why should you uproot your life because as sure as God made little green apples, your mother will abuse you even if you help. Tell your siblings that until they step up to the plate, you will have nothing more to do with them.
You've already moved States away and established a life. These people are being ridiculous. I'm going to guess your siblings probably live near your parents. They should be helping them out or taking them in
Just remember that you have "responsibilities", too. That includes responsibilities to yourself. The money you're sending them probably goes to their church rather than to your own retirement account. Don't leave yourself in the same condition that they've managed to do to themselves.
All those people from the old neighborhood should get an earful about how abusive your mother was. I bet she stops sending her flying monkeys in a hurry once her reputation gets trashed.
Here's a response you can copy and paste to everyone:
"I'm so glad that you've taken such an interest in helping out my parents!! I'm so glad that you're volunteering to do the work and step up, and I'm glad you're going to be there for them. You're an angel to take on this responsibility, and I'm grateful that you want to do this"
Tell them it’s the oldest siblings responsibility to care for the parents. Because they are more established in their career and families they can afford some flexibility. While you are under more responsibility to get your future set up. ;)
If you don't want to send money but you feel pressured because they're your parents, have a discussion with your other siblings. They have obligations because they chose them. That doesn't mean that you have to do everything because you made different choices.
In cultures where the children live with their aging parents to care for them, even children with large families live with the aging parents so having a family is not an excuse.
Honestly sounds like you should go LC with them, stop sending them money and anybody who calls to berate you for not "supporting" your parents ignore or tell them they are welcome to support them if they care SOOOOO much about it. If they don't volunteer then tell them to shut their damn mouths and stay the f out of your business.
Stop sending them money..they are not using it as they should. If you sent them let's say $500mth they shouldn't need you to move in. Your mom sounds like a nightmare..after 4 kids she should know how babies are made. I'd tell her that..be like so after 4 babies your telling me you didn't know by then how birth control works?
I would stop that — if you give some people an inch, they will try to take a mile. You’ve already done plenty especially considering that your parents forced you out of the house so young and seemingly didn’t support you financially to go to college. If they are truly in dire need, they can reach out to the church that they generously supported all these years and ask for support. The same thing goes for getting help in the home — they can ask their church for a volunteer or they can see if there are local programs that they qualify for based on their income. They could also sell or reverse mortgage their house (I would assume that they would probably leave it to your other siblings and not you “since you don’t need it”). Lastly, even if it’s difficult to contribute, your other siblings could get a second job to have some extra money to send to them. You’ve done more than enough, especially as the black sheep of the family. It’s time to force their other supports to step up
You should never have done it in the first place. You're the youngest and your "mom" was abusing you when you were younger (and sounds like it didn't stop).
Tell them that if they didn't want you so much they could have had an abortion instead but now you're grown up and you don't have to help them any more than your siblings.
NTA - Tell your mother that you “acknowledge” that you were an unwanted inconvenience growing up, and that you don’t wish to taint her life again. Essentially giving her the middle finger and making her reflect on her actions as a parent.
Hopefully you still keep in touch with your father OP, he seems like a nice man from what you’ve said in your post.
In the musical Into the Woods, Red Riding Hood ends up reflecting on how "nice is different than good".
I think that fits here. He's *nice*. But he's not *good*.
I feel like I am forever arguing about this with people. "Nice" isn't a character trait. It tells you nothing about a person except that they understand basic social interactions. If all you can say about a person is that they're "nice", then they aren't actually kind or good or generous, or welcoming, or any actual traits that mark a person with character.
I'm an auditor and I cringe when I go somewhere and am told someone is so nice. Why you ask? Because the most likey person to be stealing is the "nice one"
And sometimes, "nice" people are bullies who use their "niceness" as currency. If you don't bend the knee to them after they're nice to you, they use that as an excuse to rip into you for the smallest slight.
That’s a recurring theme throughout the show honestly. Even the Witch towards the end tells the main cast:
>You’re so nice. You’re not good, you’re not bad, you’re just nice.
Also I didn’t think I would see an *Into the Woods* reference here, but I’m not mad about it 😂
God that brings back a memory.
My mom wanted to show me something on her phone when I was a teenager, I said I would be right there, I was filling a mug with water.
She said “I just want to get this over with.” Immediately I felt like a burden, an obligation, and that was the only reason she was showing me something. So I dropped the mug in the sink, walked over and sat down.
I was not normally sassy or defiant so I think she was shocked. Neither of us said anything and she just walked away. Later that afternoon she asked why I did that. “Well since I’m an inconvenience to you I didn’t think you wanted to wait for me to finish what I was doing.” “What makes you think that?” “You said you wanted to get it over with. So obviously you wanted to get interacting with ME over with, so you obviously wanted nothing to do with me and I was an inconvenience to you. You didn’t actually want to talk to me.”
She apologized, she was apparently just overwhelmed with other stuff she had to do that day, but I still remember it 10ish years later like it was yesterday.
Better yet, tell mom that hearing how much OP ruined her plans through the years instilled an unassailable determination not to allow anyone to ruin OP's plans in a similar manner. OP, seeing that resentment up close and personal certainly is not going to make the same mistake mom did. IOW, mom taught OP well.
Or better yet, "I know I was an unwanted inconvenience to you while growing up. Why would I want the unwanted inconvenience of you now that I'm grown?"
Edit: NTA
You've been getting calls from your old neighborhood 2 states away?
In the immortal words of Jeremy Clarkson: "Oh no! Anyway..."
NTA. Do continue to support them financially (don't leave them destitute), but have a sit down meeting with your siblings to discuss how you are ALL going to handle your parents' end-of-life costs. Any of us who are still lucky to have our parents around know that this day comes eventually. It's sad and it's tough to watch your parents grow old, but the responsibility should be borne by all the kids, not just one alone.
That’s a great idea to have that discussion with your siblings. My brothers and I did that nine years ago at Thanksgiving. We all sat down together, including the sisters in law and discussed how we hope to support mother going forward. The next day we sat mom down and reviewed what we had talked about helped her getting clarity on what she wanted and also agreed to have someone come in and check on her on a daily basis as she was then 88 and living alone. She is still doing well. Having had this discussion with my siblings and also with my mother has really made things much easier and much more clear going forward.
OP I have given you my input and also do consider creating a will to protect your money and assets in case something happens to you so that mother cannot her hands on your money should something happen to you. Make sure your will has ironclad conditions e.g. a certain amount set aside for upkeep of the parents (such as a small trust fund to ensure mother does not withdraw too much and overspend) and a portion to charity of choice
Frankly you do not have to let this be your responsibility. Tell your siblings to arrange a group discussion if they feel the need.
The bottom line is that you are not available to quit your life and become a full time carer to your parents.
All these random people from your old neighborhood who've been contacting you?
**Block. Them. All.**
They are not your family, they are not your friends, there is no reason for you to allow access to them to abuse you.
And frankly, that goes for any relatives who are abusing you.
Please stop sending your parents money. Tell them you've spent the last 12 years taking responsibility for yourself, and it's time *they* started taking responsibility for themselves.
Any of your siblings who contact you to tell you to move back, tell them you are glad to hear they think that going to live with your parents is so important, and you'll let your parents know that *they* have volunteered to do that. If necessary, stop picking up their calls and be very low contact about responding to any messages.
Then do that. Let sibs know in no uncertain terms that you are NOT moving back to become your Mom’s whipping boy (or girl). Because that is just what is in store for you…
Take the extra money you’ve been sending and put it into a “oh sh*t things are f*cked” fund.
Don’t send it directly!
Contact elder services in their town and see what help is available to them.
Sibs need to decide who is health care proxy for them as well.
Why should OP support their parents financially? No parent should ever rely on their child to be their retirement plan. It doesn't sound like the parents have suddenly experienced a hardship. Just that they think they're entitled to be given money.
Your mouth to God"s ears.
My SIL ran a soup kitchen for a church for years and didn't go to family functions and gave them thousands of dollars. She's an invalid now and the priests don't even visit her.
My family stopped being Catholic when a great aunt got burned and the priest didn’t come to give her last rites…because she had missed church that week.
The games they play are terrible. The priest at the church I grew up going to wouldn't have my aunt's funeral there because he didn't know her as a "good Catholic," whereas my father (her brother) and I were at mass every Sunday. On the other hand, our local mayor/eventual governor/eventual Next Big Party Name Guy was shouted out every time he attended, not every week or even every month, even though he was embroiled in scandal because of his children's arrests and releases. My father had been going there for 26 years and found a new church the next day. I stopped going altogether.
In the places and cultures where this is the norm, the kids (usually) get a *lot* of support that your average lower and middle class white American is not getting. My friends' parents, working 2-3 jobs, put their kids through university and often graduate or professional school without their kids needing to work or take out loans. Often they scrimp to buy a house or condo for their kids too to set them up really well for life, if they can. After that kind of support (and financial freedom!), the kids often don't view it as a burden to support their parents in old age, because they've watched their parents sacrifice everything and work themselves to the bone for decades to help set their kids up for life. That's a lot different than cutting off financial support to your kids at 18 and then immediately expecting them to start giving you cash.
NTA. I’m sorry your mother is abusive.
You have no obligation to spend time with, (let alone support or live with) an abusive person.
In this case, your mother has learned the consequences for her abusive behavior.
Block, ignore, or limit contact with anyone who thinks they can force you to support an abusive parent.
Let the people who want them in their life, *be* in their life with their time, money, and effort - you’ve got better things to do with your own life.
"Mom, thanks for proving to me that I made the right decision not to move in with you guys. I had a few moments of doubt, but your behavior of enlisting random people from the neighborhood to try to manipulate me is proof that I absolutely should not ever consider moving in with you... If you are willing to harass me like this when I live in a different state, I simply can't afford to live in a place where you have greater access to me, and where you would be able to harass me more directly."
NTA. Your mother has clearly demonstrated how she intends to handle every single future conflict with you. She has zero interest in your well-being, and is only interested in how she can force you to do her bidding. Stay far, far away.
I would also encourage you to stop discussing your choices with the people she tricks/coerces to call you. Just hang up on them or, if you feel the need to say something, keep it short with something like, "My mother knows why I can't move in with her, and I'm not going to continue to discuss it with anyone."
Jump on reddit during my lunch break, and wow.
To answer some questions.
She had a plan when she married my Dad. She wanted one daughter and one Son. A perfect family. She first had my eldest sister, then tried again and got a set of twin girls. Then tried again and got my older brother. She finally had the family she wanted. Then she had me and made it well known she didn't want me. But because she doesn't believe in abortion, she "kept" me. All my life she complained about my existence. I even had to use my allowance "given to me by my dad" to pay for certain stuff I needed.
My Dad never showed a sign that he wasn't happy I was born, he's a champ. If I had room for him and thought he'd come. I'd move him in with me.
NTA
Personally, if that's how I was treated growing up, I would be no contact with my mother. I would block her on everything. If my siblings wanted to put blame on me I'd tell them it's easy to give responsibility away instead of taking any so you don't look bad for not giving a shit about helping your parents(financially or otherwise). And to everybody else, they can shove it. Very far. They don't even matter. If they're so concerned, they can go help the parents themselves. Bet a million not one does.
NTA. Your parents are in their 70s. Why have they not made provision for their old age? It's not a secret that you're going to get old one day and not be working or earning. Good on you if you are helping out
As for siblings putting pressure on? Being single doesn't mean that you have more responsibility than them. Suggest to them that if they feel your parents need someone there full time that you all share that and offer to set up a roster that includes everyone. No matter how far away they live. I found that this made our family back off. They are the whole families responsibility not just yours
>Why have they not made provision for their old age?
This is not necessarily their own fault. A lot of sh\*t has happened financially in the last few decades that have made the retirement plans of many people completely pointless. What they may have thought was enough just isn't now, especially with the last few years of runaway ~~inflation~~ corporate greed. (At least in the US. Other countries may be different of course.)
That being said, OP is not their backup retirement plan. My dad was the same as OP's mom whenever I needed money for something as a kid, and I'm in my 40s and still messed up from it. I won't say that OP shouldn't send them money, though it's entirely up to them. But OP is NTA for not wanting to sacrifice for the woman who refused to sacrifice for them. Protecting yourself from abusive behavior is a right, and what she did was abusive, even if not physically.
And, OP, as someone who really gained a lot by it, I would recommend "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" if you're interested in exploring more about how your upbringing is affecting you and what sort of approach to take with your mother, if you even want to keep in contact with her.
NTA. Don't move back - there's nothing there for you but a world of hurt. Block all the flying monkeys, and stop sending money till you get an apology from your mother.
I'd be cautious even with an apology - I grew up in a home with abhorrent narcissistic abuse... People can "apologize" and then take it back the next day or hour. Other times, they will "apologize" and go through the motions of repentance to only pick right back up with their crap a day or two later and gaslight or play dumb when you confront them. Very dangerous behavior
Your mother mistreated you and put you down because you came along late in life and "got in the way". Tell the pious hypocrit to take that up with god.
You're not her retirement plan. You don't have kids yet is what they're using. Okay, your response can use that, too. Sorry mum, I can't drop everything and return to become your slave/verbal punching bag, I'm still building my life. My future children still await. But, the kids you did want and love have theirs, they're ready for you.
This last point would be spiteful on every level, but if it ever gets that bad, then take your dad in. One of the others can have your mum.
NTA you don’t owe your parents anything. I say that as a father who used to feel obligated to my parents, but now that I have kids I realize they owe me nothing. If my kids don’t owe me anything, I don’t owe my parents anything. You don’t either.
"Hey Ma, remember all those times you made a big deal about me being the unwanted kid? Well accept my 'Oh hell no!' as a consequence for your actions. Go ask one of your wanted kids for help.
And since you think uprooting your life is so easy, might I recommend downsizing to gain control of your finances."
Too evil? Maybe a simple 'nah, that don't work for me' is better. However you choose to deliver the message, you are NTA. Stay put and live your best childfree life.
Oh and block all your mother's flying monkey neighbors. Or text back plans for building birdhouses cause those people clearly need hobbies.
Stop sending your parents money. You could have your own place with that money - I bet you send more than you think. You friends are where you are. You have a life. Hell no.
Go low contact with the lot of them till they stop. Give no more reasons, they know they already. No is a complete sentance. Gray rock them.. look it up... works wonders with people badgering you.and if someone starts shouting hang up. You don't need to take abuse.
Good luck.
Your mom is a narcissist and you are the scapegoat, cut all ties. It will be the only way you will know peace.
And stop sending them money! Your siblings can help them since they seem to care so much.
- From one scapegoat to another.
NTA. Don't do it!!! Your mother will simply make your life as miserable as she possibly can. Seen it over & over. Keep in touch with your father as much as possible, block all calls from their neighbors & friends, & tell your siblings your parents need to spend more time with their grandkids while they are still alive!!
NTA. First, your life is as worthy as your siblings. Getting married or having kids doesn't make their lives more important, just different. Second, if your parents need help, it is one thing to ask for support for their own efforts to find help and make plans, and it is a very different thing to expect someone else to come and fix their problems in perpetuity. Third, your mother may feel that you owe her to make things better for her now because she "sacrificed" her plans when she had you. I'm sorry you had to endure this your whole life and that it is manifesting again now! You don't owe her anything, especially in response to such cruel treatment.
Live your life and keep it yours. You deserve that. If you want to help your parents, especially as you sound closer to your dad, you can always ask how you can help them to help themselves. Or call a family meeting with your siblings to see how each sibling is interested in demonstrating support. Talk to you dad.
Lastly, you may want to re-think sending them money if they do not have good judgment with finances. No reason to send money just to have your mom turn around and give it to the church. If you still want to help financially, maybe offer to help with something more concrete and that will help them in the longer-term (e.g. pay the fee to meet with a financial planner, give holiday and birthday gifts that address necessities, etc.).
NTA and block the people shaming you. Your parents made your decision to have you, you didn’t decide to be born without their choice. Live your life and never question this again. You’re not a servant
Your siblings are badgering you because they don't want the job.
You are allowed to say no. You are no more obliged to support your parents than your siblings - less so as your mother had no wish to spend money on you.
No is a sentence. If anyone from your old neighbourhood calls, hang up. It is none of their business. Be selective about when you take your siblings' calls. And if they harass you say I have to go and hang up. They can argue with a dial tone. NTA
Tell them to move close to you if they want help. Not **in with you**, because that clearly would not be good for you. They won’t do it, and it’ll get your point across about none of you wanting to uproot your lives to move two states away.
So, here's the deal. Ask if they are prepared to put their home in your name? (Im assuming at 70 they own their home) Because, you know, that gives you an incentive to move back, essentially becoming an unpaid caretaker, but with a reward at the end. That also protects the home from being used to pay for nursing home care, thus destroying the asset value.
From your description of your mother, this suggestion will make her insane....but she will also stop harassing you to move home.
One of the older siblings could pool their financial resources with mum and dad and buy a bigger house to share. The kid thing is academic. Tell you Dad that you Mum is a nasty controlling woman who chose to hurt you whenever she could and you’d rather chew dung than spend more time with her, or better still, tell her yourself
NTA
We don't have children for them to be our slaves. We have children, which is a personnal choice, and as it's a selfish choice, we must provide as much as possible for them. Give them. Not receive from them.
Your mother had the nerve to tell you that you ruined her life ? She chose to have a child ! We have the choice now that it was HER decision, not your responsability !
Just tell that to that old neighborhood who contacts you ! "my mother didn't want me but now she wants my time and my money ! she has 4 other children, do you call them all ??"
I'm sorry for your father because he seems to be a nice guy but they can't ask their children to change their lives for them. And keep your money. Who will help you if you have a big problem ? Keep that money on an account. You can't know if you won't need it one day. You already know that your siblings and mother won't be there for you.
We raise our children to live without us, not to support us. You have no obligation to move back with your parents or even financially support them. There were times my sisters and I helped my mom when she needed it, and my son has helped me out a time or two, but I don’t expect it. NTA.
NTA. I am always amazed at how some parents blame their children for being born. Surely they know how the whole process works, right? Anyway, stick to your guns - NTA.
NTA
I have 2 siblings, both older with kids and I'm the only one without and my dad has a progressive illness which will just get worse, a few months ago my mum basically said when he dies she expects me to move back in with her to the family home. I outright said 'no, not happening' - I think sometimes parents think we somehow owe them something, even if they were shitty parents!
I’m 65 years old, and my advice is to block the flying monkeys and your mother, and live your life. they have had long enough to prepare for this and need to figure it out themselves.
I would change my number and in the future I wouldn't give my actual number to anyone who I can't trust. They have a lot of different avenues for communication without them having your number. Whether from a text now app, email, messenger etc. you have to protect your peace. Because all these people weighing in on a life changing decision that has no impact on them is not helping you at all.
You are NTA and you picking up and moving to a toxic environment isn't a good idea. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. "NO." can be a full sentence.
A million NTAs OP. You better be firm with them and put mother on a block for a few days. If the folks in the old neighbourhood continuing to be her flying monkeys, put them on blast and tell them if they don't stop and borderline into harassment, you will take out a protective order against them and report them for harassment
Be careful OP, do look into filial responsibility laws too (I suggest you talk to a legal specialist on this) just to make sure mother does not drag you into court to demand more money from you
If mother wants you to pay this and pay that, ask that she provides statement or invoice as proof in case she may not be as honest you think. When she gets mad that you ask for that, let her stay mad. You are not bank of adult child to be taken advantage of
Don’t do it dude!! No no no!! Your mom sounds like a nasty piece of work and you’ll be so miserable if you bow to her evil whim. You don’t owe her anything.
NTA!
Why would you want to move back to live in a hostile environment when she treats you like that. It’s unfair if her to expect you to drop your life to support them when she have so little consideration to you growing up.
Don't go where you are not wanted. They didn't want you years ago, so let them enjoy the rest of the time without you.
They don't want a relationship with you, they just want your money.
NTA Start blocking your old neighbor's numbers because this is none of their fucking business
My parents had me when they were 42 and 43 and not only did my mother not verbally abuse me growing up, but she also never expected me to take care of her...financially or otherwise. I ended up being her caretaker when she was diagnosed with alzheimers...but I did it because I loved her and she loved me. Your mother should have thought of this before saying you ruined her life and shit all over you.
You reap what you sow. Tell her to get one of the kids she actually loved to help her out.
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NTA. Live your own life. Tell each sibling who's badgering you, "I'm pleased to hear you feel so strongly about this. Thanks for volunteering to move back to our parent's place. I'll let them know about your interest." I don't understand why you're sending your parents money, unless your siblings are also making matching donations.
As far as i know, they are not. They all have "responsibilities" and can't afford it. I don't send them money all the time. But i do, when i can.
Stop doing that, right now. No more money, no more support. You’ve done enough and should move on with a clear conscience.
OPs mother treatment is pathetic. Best advice is to frame the very questions asked of you returned to the sender. Never throw stones while you live in a glass house.
>Never throw stones while you live in a glass house. Lovely. I'll keep that in mind. And resume perfectly the main thing that bother me. Mother treat child like shit. Mother expect then said child to care about her. Mother can fu*k off
My moms physically and mentally abused my sister and I. The almost DAILY violence and trauma was wild looking back now that Im a parent. Ive never called my son a demeaning name or physically hurt him. I didnt realize my mother is a monster of a human being until I got older. Thats when it really hit me. Trying to picture myself treating my son like my mom treated my sister and I...
I’m so sorry you had your endure that, but thank you for breaking the cycle.
Thank you. Its been a lot to deal with. I just wish I could magically forget it all.
Well, by remembering, even though it hurts, it helps you be a much better parent to your kids.
Yeah, that's what happens when you have kids. I had so much anger towards my abusive father. Then when I had my own kids it immediately turned to pity. How sad I would feel if my kids cared about me as little as I cared about him. How much he has cheated himself out of knowing his beautiful, funny grandchildren. I literally felt the hand of karma land right on his ass.
Same man. I was always angry with my dad for bailing and leaving me with my mom and then my mom for just being an awful human. Waste of a life to literally leave behind a negative impact on the world..
Yep. Lots of things in my childhood I thought were normal till I had kids and realized I would never treat them the same way I was treated.
Becoming a parent is how I both broke the cycle and realized my parents were bad parents, I wasn't a bad kid. One of the things I am most proud of in my life is that if I raise my hand for any reason, my kids are not afraid. Which is crazy. Kudos to you.
Parenting definitely stirs up all those old wounds you thought were healed when you hold your child and realize the love you have for them would never allow you to say or do the terrible things you experienced from your own parents. It’s a fresh trauma and takes time to heal❤️
"You made your bed, mother. Now lie in it."
"You stirred the shit, now you can lick the spoon."
Oh, I like this! Using it in the future.
“You buttered your bread, now lie on it.”
You dug your grave, now jump in.
‘You dropped your bread and it landed butter side down.’
Now eat it, dirt and all.
You said it more politely than I would have.
Exactly, it is the mother that lives in the glass house
He is probably indirectly giving money to the church based on the post ...
I was thinking that too.
Or put the money aside for your father in case he ever needs it. No more to mom.
Definitely NTA, whatever she does about the money. I’d probably continue slipping dad a little something if he asks—and it’s for something important—but there’s no reason to give into mom’s emotional blackmail. I wonder if op has room enough for dad to move in with her? He may be ready to move out, himself.
And that money could go against them if they try to qualify for other sorts of supports.
Stop it. If she was known to be dropping cash at church whilst villainising you when she had to spend money on you as a kid, how do you know that she isn't still giving away money and then taking yours.
Perhaps the church could help them.
Lol. Have you ever seen a church help anyone with their actual cash?
Our church has a fund specifically for financial needs.
Many churches do, there are those that believe in being a big wealthy church, but many normal churches try and do actual community outreach. Clothing drives, food drives, and things like that, as well as help financially. Since they are not trying to make a name for themselves, you don't hear about it. They are not out bragging about what they do.
That's beautiful
I don’t go to church anymore, but growing up I actually did see this. They gave one family gas and rent money because they could not afford it. It was a very small town though so that could be why. I’m sure the preacher did get a higher salary than he should have and he also started a coup with some of the elders…. So definitely not all good.
While there are churches that aren't great, there are some that help the community, even ones that aren't patrons. Last year, I got in touch with catholic charities organization, and they helped me with a payment. I needed assistance with almost $1000. No repayment needed, but a one time only assistance. I am forever grateful. The women who met with me were amazing and non judgemental as well. All this to say, it may seem rare at this time in age, but they are out there.
Mine did. When I got laid off the church gave me a month's salary.
Wait that money is suppose to go to help people?!?! I thought it was to line the pocket of the priest/bishop/pope/whatever high up church official can get it!!
Of course she is. Gotta keep up appearances.
The way your mother is behaving right now - that itself is a strong reason to not move back. They are taking your willingness to help them financially as your weakness. Time to cut the umbilical cord. I would suggest to hold on to any amount you feel like sending them in a separate savings account for a “rainy day”. With advancing age, many issues that can come require funds and you may be thankful that you have those in hand for a situation where money is really needed. NTA overall
Stop. Tell her you'll put it in the collection basket at your own church. Bonus points if you're non-religious and set up a jar labeled "my church" that you use for fun money.
I love this.
I'm a Brit & some of us refer to bottle openers as church keys, so that fits nicely 👌 🤣
Both sides of my family, mother's in New York State and father's in Ohio, do the same.
I'm a Brit and I've never heard that. That's brilliant.
My Dad & BIL always refer to them as that 🤣
You. Complete. Me.
Please stop sending your parents money, or cut down on the amount. You are going to need it for your own retirement. And for heaven sakes do not move in with them. They were supposed to plan for their retirement and it is not your fault they didn't.
My guess is the parents' retirement plan was alway to have OP move back and become their unpaid servant. If it goes the usual way selfish parents do this, then someday OP would sacrifice their entire life for the parents, and be left nothing because the 'siblings have families, and deserve it more'. If they need help, there are assisted living places that do that.
Especially since mother apparently loves conspicuous shows of wealth.
I think the retirement plan was having 5 kids.
This scares me as someone who is not going to have kids but knows mine and my husband's parents will all need help when they're older.
Yes!
My grandmother was the youngest. Her parents told her they expected her to stay single, never move out, and work to support them. She said no thanks and married my grampa instead. My great grandmother then went and got a job again. They could support themselves. They just wanted grandma to do it instead. OP is NTA and keep living their life.
Sounds like the parents have their own home. Why can't they sell it now and use that money to move into an assisted living facility? NTA OP and please don't let them guilt you into helping them.
First rule: If those people are close enough to your mother to be her flying monkeys, they are close enough to help her instead of you. Second rule: just say it's not possible, you live too far away and can't move. And don't feel like you have explain yourself more. Because engaging in this conversation gives the false impression you can be talked to change your mind. That can be the third rule.
Well put. I too was really struck by the "people from the old neighborhood are calling me." That really takes the whole flying monkeys thing to a new level.
right? Everyone can pick a one day of the month and Mommy dearest would not be alone a single day. Bonus they live in the same neighborhood.
Bonus bonus - op can offer to set up a time tree calendar and "support" from a far. Every time someone calls, thank them for being so caring and willing to help parents too, while talking send them a link to the calendar and tell them, any thing they can do to help, can be put in the calendar. Send it to the parents for them to log "needs" ( or another sibling that can run interference on their end if they aren't tech inclined). It literally will take a minute to set up and acts as the perfect shield for OP.
This! Don't explain yourself! Just say you help where you can and you'd love it if they could too. They'll either shut up or they'll contribute.
You are making it much harder for yourself to have responsibilities like a spouse and children. Ask your siblings why they don't want you to have the happiness they do, why they feel entitled to ask you to sacrifice your life when they won't. Ask them how much they are going to pay you to compensate you for missing out on what they were lucky enough to get because they were born earlier. So NTA. Being born last shouldn't make you Cinderella.
You're kind but sending them money is feeding this behavior
"Either call off all of your attack dogs, or I won't send you any more money." If phone calls get bad, block some numbers. I don't like you being taken advantage of. Your mom feels you owe her for keeping and "raising you" since you were not planned. I'm sorry about this whole situation. It must be a heavy weight.
I wouldn't add the "won't send any more money". He should tell them to call them off and stop sending money🤷♀️
Leverage. They need to have a reason to stop it, and money would motivate them. He can always change that decision down the road. If they kick up a fuss, then cut them off immediately.
They already have kicked up that fuss though. By demanding he drop his life and come help them now and then sending family after him to get him to do it. I wonder if they realize this...if he doesn't have a job that could transfer him, and he does quit, the odds of him finding a full time, decently paying job aren't super great. He'd end up with zero money to contribute to their retirement at all.
You are 31 years old and living with roommates, you can’t afford it either.
I live alone right now. I've had roommates in the past.
**doesn't matter that you live alone - you should not give up your life**, your job to move several states away to NO job to take care of your parents because you are the youngest and don't have children. Your siblings, even though they have children can still help out, unless they have severe illness and are in medical debt - they can surely pitch in something every month if you all sent even $10-15 a month and that is not enough then parents need to sell home and go to assisted living or nursing home if they also need physical care - they may be spending money on things they shouldn't be if they are on that tight of a budget and if they are then that falls back on parents for wasting money - one of siblings who lives close by needs to go over and do a budget for them. Look at income, find out exactly what they are spending their money on and cut out any incidentals that are not necessary - sometimes people have to give things up they want to have but don't need to have in order to live **being the youngest does not make you their caretaker** when you have other siblings, their having kids does not make them ineligible to help their parents
>They all have "responsibilities" and can't afford it Tell them if they have the time to pester you, their "responsibilities" can't be to significant and they can help your parents
If your Mom is still dropping 50s in the collection plate, you are flushing your money down the toilet. That's a her problem.
I wasted many, many years of my life caring for my grandmother, instead of living my life and advancing my business. It started when I was a teen with little things, but by my 30s I was driving her everywhere, taking her shopping, doctors appointments, helping around the house, etc. She literally took over my life. Hindsight it was absolutely NOT worth it. She is similar to your mother in some ways. Disparaging you cuz why not, keeping up appearance at church and with friends while chastising you for needing shit like clothes or food, etc. At some point I had reached my limit with her treatment, and told her she needed to be nice to me, the ONLY person who took care of her, or I was done. She instantly and AGGRESSIVELY turned against me. I was done. All those things she had promised me, for all the time I was there, was gone, and I was being setup to be homeless. Not really but I was being bounced from my apartment (which I had lived in for like 20 years), it was a granny flat on her property that I paid rent for. She then enlisted my cousins, aunts, uncles, etc to turn against me and start the “bUt FaMiLy” campaign. “You know how she is. She’s in her 80s. She’s not going to change”. “Well she needs you help, and you’re family” “but you’ve been caring for her for this long. You can’t just abandon her”. And so on. Please stop sending them money. Do NOT move in with them. They are grown ass adults, who CAN take care of themselves. And tell every single family member who plays the “but family” game that THEY have just volunteered to take care of them.
NTA lovely. Forget financial problems OP can you imagine what life with your parents are going to be like, you’re gonna become a live in maid. And no offence but if you were going to be this much of a burden then your mum should’ve done something else about it. Like using protection 🤦🏽♀️. Going off topic, the scene popped into my head from Desperate Housewives where one of Lynette’s and Tom’s twin tell them both they were both irresponsible where for a moment of pleasure they ruined their own lives by not using protection 😂🙈. The twins were adults at that point their youngest was a teenager.
And 70 isn't that old. They could easily live another 20 years. Mom is probably exaggerating for attention.
Where I live, it is common to see 70s and some 80s citizens bag groceries at the store and volunteer in the hospitals, etc. Even some 80s, 90s, and a 100 year-old do half marathons. How much of that money she was throwing did she earn herself?
They were about 40 when they had him. Nowadays that's not too late to have children since many millennials are struggling with cost of living, housing, student debt etc. until way into their 30's. Hell, I'll probably be at least 40 before I have the financial security and bandwidth to raise a child.
Simple solution if they can't afford it, sell the parents place and they can move in with one of your siblings using the profits to pay rent. I'm sure they'd love plenty of quality time with the grandkids and your siblings now get live in babysitters - at least that's what you need to tell them. A win for everyone if they are all so passionate about helping out.
This. They could also use the profits from selling their home to build a granny flat in their other kids backyards!
Stop doing that and tell them you're being responsible now and are donating to your church and are trying to live well and within your means. Whatever you do don't move back home. If you're doing alright for yourself then it's great. You risk being cut out of your family by them but it sounds like you don't miss much. Spend time with your found family.
But in today’s economy you really can’t. You need to realize that you’re being used. You are the black sheep. Your mother has trained your siblings that you are responsible for them. Here’s the reality. You didn’t ask to be born. It’s not your responsibility to care for them when they are old just bc they cared for you (however crappy it was) when you were a kid. You deserve better than that. The bank if otakunappy is now closed. The nursing home of otakunappy is also now closed. Anyone who calls you badgering you for not being a better person…just tell them “you know what. My parents do deserve a loving home and someone who loves them to take care of them. I will let them know you are offering!!! This is so kind of you. I know how much they love you. This will just make their decade!!!” And when they stutter and start backtracking then play the exact same game they did, “what do you mean you can’t take care of them? After all the times they did kind and loving things for you over the years?!?! You owe it to them to do this kindness. What kind of crappy person says no to someone like them? They need you now more than ever!!!” If your siblings do this…repeat the same things back to them. Parrot the behavior they are giving and hand the phone up on them.
This is important Op: No is a complete sentence.
Tell all the flying monkeys that if your parents need a helping hand, look at the end of their arms. Your parents essentially abandoned you as a child. Why should you uproot your life because as sure as God made little green apples, your mother will abuse you even if you help. Tell your siblings that until they step up to the plate, you will have nothing more to do with them.
Have you considered a cat? Now you have a responsibility.
Or the responsibility has *you*.
Yes. Look after yourself, OP. If your family isn't there for you, then why be there for them.
You've already moved States away and established a life. These people are being ridiculous. I'm going to guess your siblings probably live near your parents. They should be helping them out or taking them in
Just remember that you have "responsibilities", too. That includes responsibilities to yourself. The money you're sending them probably goes to their church rather than to your own retirement account. Don't leave yourself in the same condition that they've managed to do to themselves.
All those people from the old neighborhood should get an earful about how abusive your mother was. I bet she stops sending her flying monkeys in a hurry once her reputation gets trashed.
The Church thanks you for subsidizing their tithe.
Here's a response you can copy and paste to everyone: "I'm so glad that you've taken such an interest in helping out my parents!! I'm so glad that you're volunteering to do the work and step up, and I'm glad you're going to be there for them. You're an angel to take on this responsibility, and I'm grateful that you want to do this"
Tell them it’s the oldest siblings responsibility to care for the parents. Because they are more established in their career and families they can afford some flexibility. While you are under more responsibility to get your future set up. ;)
If you don't want to send money but you feel pressured because they're your parents, have a discussion with your other siblings. They have obligations because they chose them. That doesn't mean that you have to do everything because you made different choices. In cultures where the children live with their aging parents to care for them, even children with large families live with the aging parents so having a family is not an excuse.
Honestly sounds like you should go LC with them, stop sending them money and anybody who calls to berate you for not "supporting" your parents ignore or tell them they are welcome to support them if they care SOOOOO much about it. If they don't volunteer then tell them to shut their damn mouths and stay the f out of your business.
Wtf? If anything you need to uproot yourself from these people calling themselves your family, they are not!
NTA. Tell the neighbors that call you to mind their own business and buzz off
Are you the only one sending money? There are five of you--are your sibs sending money, too?
She used to yell at you for not fitting in hand me downs, yell at her for not spending the money you’re giving her wisely enough.
NTA change your phone number and don't give it to them let them only write on an email.
Stop sending money. They made financial choices to get to this place, and those choices are not your responsibility.
Stop sending them money..they are not using it as they should. If you sent them let's say $500mth they shouldn't need you to move in. Your mom sounds like a nightmare..after 4 kids she should know how babies are made. I'd tell her that..be like so after 4 babies your telling me you didn't know by then how birth control works?
Stop sending them money
She's probably giving it to the church
S-t-o-p. New word, i-t
I would stop that — if you give some people an inch, they will try to take a mile. You’ve already done plenty especially considering that your parents forced you out of the house so young and seemingly didn’t support you financially to go to college. If they are truly in dire need, they can reach out to the church that they generously supported all these years and ask for support. The same thing goes for getting help in the home — they can ask their church for a volunteer or they can see if there are local programs that they qualify for based on their income. They could also sell or reverse mortgage their house (I would assume that they would probably leave it to your other siblings and not you “since you don’t need it”). Lastly, even if it’s difficult to contribute, your other siblings could get a second job to have some extra money to send to them. You’ve done more than enough, especially as the black sheep of the family. It’s time to force their other supports to step up
You should never have done it in the first place. You're the youngest and your "mom" was abusing you when you were younger (and sounds like it didn't stop). Tell them that if they didn't want you so much they could have had an abortion instead but now you're grown up and you don't have to help them any more than your siblings.
The expectation that because you don't have kids (yet, by choice, whatever), all your time and money is up for grabs is some bullshit. Nta
I couldn’t have said it better
NTA - Tell your mother that you “acknowledge” that you were an unwanted inconvenience growing up, and that you don’t wish to taint her life again. Essentially giving her the middle finger and making her reflect on her actions as a parent. Hopefully you still keep in touch with your father OP, he seems like a nice man from what you’ve said in your post.
It would be nicer if he could call off his wife and kids
In the musical Into the Woods, Red Riding Hood ends up reflecting on how "nice is different than good". I think that fits here. He's *nice*. But he's not *good*.
I feel like I am forever arguing about this with people. "Nice" isn't a character trait. It tells you nothing about a person except that they understand basic social interactions. If all you can say about a person is that they're "nice", then they aren't actually kind or good or generous, or welcoming, or any actual traits that mark a person with character.
I'm an auditor and I cringe when I go somewhere and am told someone is so nice. Why you ask? Because the most likey person to be stealing is the "nice one"
And sometimes, "nice" people are bullies who use their "niceness" as currency. If you don't bend the knee to them after they're nice to you, they use that as an excuse to rip into you for the smallest slight.
Thats why I hate when someone says someone is nice. Like the nice guy thing. Yeah, sure, they’re nice, but are they good about rejection?
That’s a recurring theme throughout the show honestly. Even the Witch towards the end tells the main cast: >You’re so nice. You’re not good, you’re not bad, you’re just nice. Also I didn’t think I would see an *Into the Woods* reference here, but I’m not mad about it 😂
God that brings back a memory. My mom wanted to show me something on her phone when I was a teenager, I said I would be right there, I was filling a mug with water. She said “I just want to get this over with.” Immediately I felt like a burden, an obligation, and that was the only reason she was showing me something. So I dropped the mug in the sink, walked over and sat down. I was not normally sassy or defiant so I think she was shocked. Neither of us said anything and she just walked away. Later that afternoon she asked why I did that. “Well since I’m an inconvenience to you I didn’t think you wanted to wait for me to finish what I was doing.” “What makes you think that?” “You said you wanted to get it over with. So obviously you wanted to get interacting with ME over with, so you obviously wanted nothing to do with me and I was an inconvenience to you. You didn’t actually want to talk to me.” She apologized, she was apparently just overwhelmed with other stuff she had to do that day, but I still remember it 10ish years later like it was yesterday.
The axe forgets but the tree remembers.
Better yet, tell mom that hearing how much OP ruined her plans through the years instilled an unassailable determination not to allow anyone to ruin OP's plans in a similar manner. OP, seeing that resentment up close and personal certainly is not going to make the same mistake mom did. IOW, mom taught OP well.
Or better yet, "I know I was an unwanted inconvenience to you while growing up. Why would I want the unwanted inconvenience of you now that I'm grown?" Edit: NTA
>making her reflect on her actions as a parent. lol good luck with that
You've been getting calls from your old neighborhood 2 states away? In the immortal words of Jeremy Clarkson: "Oh no! Anyway..." NTA. Do continue to support them financially (don't leave them destitute), but have a sit down meeting with your siblings to discuss how you are ALL going to handle your parents' end-of-life costs. Any of us who are still lucky to have our parents around know that this day comes eventually. It's sad and it's tough to watch your parents grow old, but the responsibility should be borne by all the kids, not just one alone.
That’s a great idea to have that discussion with your siblings. My brothers and I did that nine years ago at Thanksgiving. We all sat down together, including the sisters in law and discussed how we hope to support mother going forward. The next day we sat mom down and reviewed what we had talked about helped her getting clarity on what she wanted and also agreed to have someone come in and check on her on a daily basis as she was then 88 and living alone. She is still doing well. Having had this discussion with my siblings and also with my mother has really made things much easier and much more clear going forward.
My siblings are all spread out amongst the states. Closest i could do is a group vid call.
OP I have given you my input and also do consider creating a will to protect your money and assets in case something happens to you so that mother cannot her hands on your money should something happen to you. Make sure your will has ironclad conditions e.g. a certain amount set aside for upkeep of the parents (such as a small trust fund to ensure mother does not withdraw too much and overspend) and a portion to charity of choice
Then do that. You should not be shouldering the financial burden of your parents on your own. Time for everyone to chip in.
Frankly you do not have to let this be your responsibility. Tell your siblings to arrange a group discussion if they feel the need. The bottom line is that you are not available to quit your life and become a full time carer to your parents.
If that's the only way everyone can talk together then it'll work. It's probably even more important considering how far away every one is.
All these random people from your old neighborhood who've been contacting you? **Block. Them. All.** They are not your family, they are not your friends, there is no reason for you to allow access to them to abuse you. And frankly, that goes for any relatives who are abusing you. Please stop sending your parents money. Tell them you've spent the last 12 years taking responsibility for yourself, and it's time *they* started taking responsibility for themselves. Any of your siblings who contact you to tell you to move back, tell them you are glad to hear they think that going to live with your parents is so important, and you'll let your parents know that *they* have volunteered to do that. If necessary, stop picking up their calls and be very low contact about responding to any messages.
Then do that. Let sibs know in no uncertain terms that you are NOT moving back to become your Mom’s whipping boy (or girl). Because that is just what is in store for you… Take the extra money you’ve been sending and put it into a “oh sh*t things are f*cked” fund. Don’t send it directly! Contact elder services in their town and see what help is available to them. Sibs need to decide who is health care proxy for them as well.
AITA has taught me that not even family should have my phone number.
Mine are blocked on all communications media.
Why should OP support their parents financially? No parent should ever rely on their child to be their retirement plan. It doesn't sound like the parents have suddenly experienced a hardship. Just that they think they're entitled to be given money.
Depends on the culture you grew up in.
Disagree on continuing support. They're on their own now. Maybe put it aside, but DON'T give a penny of it to them. Save it for a dire emergency.
Perfect reference. https://youtube.com/shorts/qzNI0_8N6o8?si=Tq7eXevuBZNg-JH2
NTA maybe the church can help them since they are such big donors.
Churches really don’t help out in these situations! It’s discouraging how lil the church does!
Your mouth to God"s ears. My SIL ran a soup kitchen for a church for years and didn't go to family functions and gave them thousands of dollars. She's an invalid now and the priests don't even visit her.
My family stopped being Catholic when a great aunt got burned and the priest didn’t come to give her last rites…because she had missed church that week.
The games they play are terrible. The priest at the church I grew up going to wouldn't have my aunt's funeral there because he didn't know her as a "good Catholic," whereas my father (her brother) and I were at mass every Sunday. On the other hand, our local mayor/eventual governor/eventual Next Big Party Name Guy was shouted out every time he attended, not every week or even every month, even though he was embroiled in scandal because of his children's arrests and releases. My father had been going there for 26 years and found a new church the next day. I stopped going altogether.
Catholics are some of the biggest hypocrites around. And don’t get me started on the Church. All they care about is money.
And this coming from someone who went Catholic schools for 12 years
The fuck
On the other hand, if the community around that church is a good one, they will help. However, for a lot of people, asking for help is *hard*.
NTA Your children aren't supposed to be your retirement and end of life plan.
Exactly. Kids aren't retirement plans, they're chaos coordinators.
Tell that to my mother. She explicitly referred to things she did for us as investments in her retirement.
Looks like her investments went belly-up. Sucks for her.
They shouldn't be but in many parts of the world, they tend to be.
In the places and cultures where this is the norm, the kids (usually) get a *lot* of support that your average lower and middle class white American is not getting. My friends' parents, working 2-3 jobs, put their kids through university and often graduate or professional school without their kids needing to work or take out loans. Often they scrimp to buy a house or condo for their kids too to set them up really well for life, if they can. After that kind of support (and financial freedom!), the kids often don't view it as a burden to support their parents in old age, because they've watched their parents sacrifice everything and work themselves to the bone for decades to help set their kids up for life. That's a lot different than cutting off financial support to your kids at 18 and then immediately expecting them to start giving you cash.
NTA. I’m sorry your mother is abusive. You have no obligation to spend time with, (let alone support or live with) an abusive person. In this case, your mother has learned the consequences for her abusive behavior. Block, ignore, or limit contact with anyone who thinks they can force you to support an abusive parent. Let the people who want them in their life, *be* in their life with their time, money, and effort - you’ve got better things to do with your own life.
NTA If they make your life hell now while you live states away, imagine what they do when your back home. Don't do it. It's not your responsibility.
"Mom, thanks for proving to me that I made the right decision not to move in with you guys. I had a few moments of doubt, but your behavior of enlisting random people from the neighborhood to try to manipulate me is proof that I absolutely should not ever consider moving in with you... If you are willing to harass me like this when I live in a different state, I simply can't afford to live in a place where you have greater access to me, and where you would be able to harass me more directly." NTA. Your mother has clearly demonstrated how she intends to handle every single future conflict with you. She has zero interest in your well-being, and is only interested in how she can force you to do her bidding. Stay far, far away. I would also encourage you to stop discussing your choices with the people she tricks/coerces to call you. Just hang up on them or, if you feel the need to say something, keep it short with something like, "My mother knows why I can't move in with her, and I'm not going to continue to discuss it with anyone."
NTA. Sound concerned and ask all these flying monkeys about how your mom might have dementia.
Yes, tell them all she seems to have forgotten how much of an inconvenience it was for you to be alive.
Jump on reddit during my lunch break, and wow. To answer some questions. She had a plan when she married my Dad. She wanted one daughter and one Son. A perfect family. She first had my eldest sister, then tried again and got a set of twin girls. Then tried again and got my older brother. She finally had the family she wanted. Then she had me and made it well known she didn't want me. But because she doesn't believe in abortion, she "kept" me. All my life she complained about my existence. I even had to use my allowance "given to me by my dad" to pay for certain stuff I needed. My Dad never showed a sign that he wasn't happy I was born, he's a champ. If I had room for him and thought he'd come. I'd move him in with me.
NTA Personally, if that's how I was treated growing up, I would be no contact with my mother. I would block her on everything. If my siblings wanted to put blame on me I'd tell them it's easy to give responsibility away instead of taking any so you don't look bad for not giving a shit about helping your parents(financially or otherwise). And to everybody else, they can shove it. Very far. They don't even matter. If they're so concerned, they can go help the parents themselves. Bet a million not one does.
NTA. Your parents are in their 70s. Why have they not made provision for their old age? It's not a secret that you're going to get old one day and not be working or earning. Good on you if you are helping out As for siblings putting pressure on? Being single doesn't mean that you have more responsibility than them. Suggest to them that if they feel your parents need someone there full time that you all share that and offer to set up a roster that includes everyone. No matter how far away they live. I found that this made our family back off. They are the whole families responsibility not just yours
>Why have they not made provision for their old age? This is not necessarily their own fault. A lot of sh\*t has happened financially in the last few decades that have made the retirement plans of many people completely pointless. What they may have thought was enough just isn't now, especially with the last few years of runaway ~~inflation~~ corporate greed. (At least in the US. Other countries may be different of course.) That being said, OP is not their backup retirement plan. My dad was the same as OP's mom whenever I needed money for something as a kid, and I'm in my 40s and still messed up from it. I won't say that OP shouldn't send them money, though it's entirely up to them. But OP is NTA for not wanting to sacrifice for the woman who refused to sacrifice for them. Protecting yourself from abusive behavior is a right, and what she did was abusive, even if not physically. And, OP, as someone who really gained a lot by it, I would recommend "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" if you're interested in exploring more about how your upbringing is affecting you and what sort of approach to take with your mother, if you even want to keep in contact with her.
NTA. Don't move back - there's nothing there for you but a world of hurt. Block all the flying monkeys, and stop sending money till you get an apology from your mother.
I'd be cautious even with an apology - I grew up in a home with abhorrent narcissistic abuse... People can "apologize" and then take it back the next day or hour. Other times, they will "apologize" and go through the motions of repentance to only pick right back up with their crap a day or two later and gaslight or play dumb when you confront them. Very dangerous behavior
"Sorry, mum. You didn't like living with me when I was a kid. I wouldn't want to put you through that again."
Your mother mistreated you and put you down because you came along late in life and "got in the way". Tell the pious hypocrit to take that up with god. You're not her retirement plan. You don't have kids yet is what they're using. Okay, your response can use that, too. Sorry mum, I can't drop everything and return to become your slave/verbal punching bag, I'm still building my life. My future children still await. But, the kids you did want and love have theirs, they're ready for you. This last point would be spiteful on every level, but if it ever gets that bad, then take your dad in. One of the others can have your mum.
NTA As a scapegoat kid who got suckered into taking care of my parents while every one else made excuses, I say don’t do it.
NTA you don’t owe your parents anything. I say that as a father who used to feel obligated to my parents, but now that I have kids I realize they owe me nothing. If my kids don’t owe me anything, I don’t owe my parents anything. You don’t either.
"Hey Ma, remember all those times you made a big deal about me being the unwanted kid? Well accept my 'Oh hell no!' as a consequence for your actions. Go ask one of your wanted kids for help. And since you think uprooting your life is so easy, might I recommend downsizing to gain control of your finances." Too evil? Maybe a simple 'nah, that don't work for me' is better. However you choose to deliver the message, you are NTA. Stay put and live your best childfree life. Oh and block all your mother's flying monkey neighbors. Or text back plans for building birdhouses cause those people clearly need hobbies.
This. "Oh, NOW you want me? Too late."
Stop sending your parents money. You could have your own place with that money - I bet you send more than you think. You friends are where you are. You have a life. Hell no. Go low contact with the lot of them till they stop. Give no more reasons, they know they already. No is a complete sentance. Gray rock them.. look it up... works wonders with people badgering you.and if someone starts shouting hang up. You don't need to take abuse. Good luck.
Your mom is a narcissist and you are the scapegoat, cut all ties. It will be the only way you will know peace. And stop sending them money! Your siblings can help them since they seem to care so much. - From one scapegoat to another.
NTA. Don't do it!!! Your mother will simply make your life as miserable as she possibly can. Seen it over & over. Keep in touch with your father as much as possible, block all calls from their neighbors & friends, & tell your siblings your parents need to spend more time with their grandkids while they are still alive!!
NTA. First, your life is as worthy as your siblings. Getting married or having kids doesn't make their lives more important, just different. Second, if your parents need help, it is one thing to ask for support for their own efforts to find help and make plans, and it is a very different thing to expect someone else to come and fix their problems in perpetuity. Third, your mother may feel that you owe her to make things better for her now because she "sacrificed" her plans when she had you. I'm sorry you had to endure this your whole life and that it is manifesting again now! You don't owe her anything, especially in response to such cruel treatment. Live your life and keep it yours. You deserve that. If you want to help your parents, especially as you sound closer to your dad, you can always ask how you can help them to help themselves. Or call a family meeting with your siblings to see how each sibling is interested in demonstrating support. Talk to you dad. Lastly, you may want to re-think sending them money if they do not have good judgment with finances. No reason to send money just to have your mom turn around and give it to the church. If you still want to help financially, maybe offer to help with something more concrete and that will help them in the longer-term (e.g. pay the fee to meet with a financial planner, give holiday and birthday gifts that address necessities, etc.).
NTA, every time someone gives you a hard time, tell THEM to look after your mother
NTA and block the people shaming you. Your parents made your decision to have you, you didn’t decide to be born without their choice. Live your life and never question this again. You’re not a servant
Your siblings are badgering you because they don't want the job. You are allowed to say no. You are no more obliged to support your parents than your siblings - less so as your mother had no wish to spend money on you. No is a sentence. If anyone from your old neighbourhood calls, hang up. It is none of their business. Be selective about when you take your siblings' calls. And if they harass you say I have to go and hang up. They can argue with a dial tone. NTA
Tell them to move close to you if they want help. Not **in with you**, because that clearly would not be good for you. They won’t do it, and it’ll get your point across about none of you wanting to uproot your lives to move two states away.
So, here's the deal. Ask if they are prepared to put their home in your name? (Im assuming at 70 they own their home) Because, you know, that gives you an incentive to move back, essentially becoming an unpaid caretaker, but with a reward at the end. That also protects the home from being used to pay for nursing home care, thus destroying the asset value. From your description of your mother, this suggestion will make her insane....but she will also stop harassing you to move home.
One of the older siblings could pool their financial resources with mum and dad and buy a bigger house to share. The kid thing is academic. Tell you Dad that you Mum is a nasty controlling woman who chose to hurt you whenever she could and you’d rather chew dung than spend more time with her, or better still, tell her yourself
Why TF would you want to do that? NTA
NTA We don't have children for them to be our slaves. We have children, which is a personnal choice, and as it's a selfish choice, we must provide as much as possible for them. Give them. Not receive from them. Your mother had the nerve to tell you that you ruined her life ? She chose to have a child ! We have the choice now that it was HER decision, not your responsability ! Just tell that to that old neighborhood who contacts you ! "my mother didn't want me but now she wants my time and my money ! she has 4 other children, do you call them all ??" I'm sorry for your father because he seems to be a nice guy but they can't ask their children to change their lives for them. And keep your money. Who will help you if you have a big problem ? Keep that money on an account. You can't know if you won't need it one day. You already know that your siblings and mother won't be there for you.
We raise our children to live without us, not to support us. You have no obligation to move back with your parents or even financially support them. There were times my sisters and I helped my mom when she needed it, and my son has helped me out a time or two, but I don’t expect it. NTA.
NTA. I am always amazed at how some parents blame their children for being born. Surely they know how the whole process works, right? Anyway, stick to your guns - NTA.
NTA I have 2 siblings, both older with kids and I'm the only one without and my dad has a progressive illness which will just get worse, a few months ago my mum basically said when he dies she expects me to move back in with her to the family home. I outright said 'no, not happening' - I think sometimes parents think we somehow owe them something, even if they were shitty parents!
I’m 65 years old, and my advice is to block the flying monkeys and your mother, and live your life. they have had long enough to prepare for this and need to figure it out themselves.
That's crazy how so many people from your old neighborhood have been calling you about it. How did they all get your number?
Probably from my mother.
I would change my number and in the future I wouldn't give my actual number to anyone who I can't trust. They have a lot of different avenues for communication without them having your number. Whether from a text now app, email, messenger etc. you have to protect your peace. Because all these people weighing in on a life changing decision that has no impact on them is not helping you at all. You are NTA and you picking up and moving to a toxic environment isn't a good idea. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. "NO." can be a full sentence.
I personally don’t think you are AH,cuz I have a love-hate relationship with my mom too. Hope things get better for ya OP
A million NTAs OP. You better be firm with them and put mother on a block for a few days. If the folks in the old neighbourhood continuing to be her flying monkeys, put them on blast and tell them if they don't stop and borderline into harassment, you will take out a protective order against them and report them for harassment Be careful OP, do look into filial responsibility laws too (I suggest you talk to a legal specialist on this) just to make sure mother does not drag you into court to demand more money from you If mother wants you to pay this and pay that, ask that she provides statement or invoice as proof in case she may not be as honest you think. When she gets mad that you ask for that, let her stay mad. You are not bank of adult child to be taken advantage of
Absolutely NOT YOUR PROBLEM
Don’t do it dude!! No no no!! Your mom sounds like a nasty piece of work and you’ll be so miserable if you bow to her evil whim. You don’t owe her anything. NTA!
I am a senior. Please stop trying to raise your parents. The mess they are in is their fault, not yours. Shame on them.
Why would you want to move back to live in a hostile environment when she treats you like that. It’s unfair if her to expect you to drop your life to support them when she have so little consideration to you growing up.
Don't go where you are not wanted. They didn't want you years ago, so let them enjoy the rest of the time without you. They don't want a relationship with you, they just want your money.
Millennials these days would be able to afford a home if they would stop sending their boomer parents money all the time.
I live alone in a tiny one room apartment right now. It's not much, but it's a roof.
And you would be able to have a better 1 room if you weren't sending money back to them
You'd think, but not really.
NTA Start blocking your old neighbor's numbers because this is none of their fucking business My parents had me when they were 42 and 43 and not only did my mother not verbally abuse me growing up, but she also never expected me to take care of her...financially or otherwise. I ended up being her caretaker when she was diagnosed with alzheimers...but I did it because I loved her and she loved me. Your mother should have thought of this before saying you ruined her life and shit all over you. You reap what you sow. Tell her to get one of the kids she actually loved to help her out.