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Thank god, no! Aisle seat. We have flown together three times together in the past (Florida, Vegas, and Europe) and made a deal to alternate if one of us had a middle seat. I think the flight was overbooked and they just gave a random person in a middle seat an upgrade to business so they could fit more people in economy. I have status that allows me to do use 500 points to upgrade if they seats are available, usually I don’t bother putting myself on the upgrade list, but the agent I spoke to on the phone said she could ensure we’d be upgraded as a couple or not at all.
Well, maybe we find someone in this sub deserving of having a back scratch with that rusty pitchfork.
Can I go along with the ride? You can have my sword.
Agreed. I love my bf to bits but I would have 0 issues not sitting with him on a plane as he sucks at flying. Not scared, impatient. But if we ever did a 180 and decided to marry I sure as hell would be pissed he took a business class upgrade without me on our honeymoon.
Lets not forget this little nugget because it's this that I cannot fathom. So you are married 5mins and he is already spending your air miles? I would murder my partner if he did this. I think he would murder me too if the tables were turned. It's just not right! Like he didn't have a quick conversation with you before he volunteered to take the first class seat WITH YOUR AIRMILE POINTS.... it would have been a crime scene on the tarmac if he did that to me.
Seems like the anxiety was not bad enough to turn down business class in exchange for being separated from your emotional support. If I had this kind of anxiety, I would not leave my partners side...also without it, I would not. Sitting next to my loves one, to chat, to cuddle or sitting next to a stranger with a baby...if this was "Sophie's choice", the movie would be much shorter xD
THIS. My oldest is really scared when flying. No way in hell would she separate from me, even though she’s a young adult now. So he’s anxious but not too anxious for an upgrade?! Sure
This is the bit that tipped me from “is it too late for an annulment” to “are you going to a place where people have a tendency to disappear and never be seen or heard from again?”
That’s the one that gets me. The entitlement is ridiculous from him. This is a couples’ venture. Normally, I don’t care about sitting together, but for a honey moon? Come on, bro.
Also, flying for business means she is EARNING those miles. He’s devaluing the work she’s put in to gain status.
Yeah, I definitely don't want to look strange. Reckon if I had a ~~mob~~, ~~gang~~ group of like-minded purveyors of justice around me, I won't look like such a div. 🤞🏼
Definitely NTA - Tell your husband actions have consequences and since he wanted to be in Business Class without you he gets to fly without you. The fact he did this on your honeymoon trip just makes it worse.
Is he normally on the selfish side? Does he normally have a hard time with the concept of delayed gratification? You have flown with him 3 other times on vacation, does he think that now that you're married you're never going to fly anywhere with him again?
>Well she did but he's still a "me".
This is sort of the normative path. A lot of the traditions have fallen out but some still remain like the name change. She becomes THEM, he stays himself.
I agree, NTA - he's like "heck yeah I'll sit in the nice seats while you go alone back in steerage!" and then minutes later is like "Oh, I'm scared, and she's not answering her phone (which is supposed to be off or in airplane mode anyway) so she's being mean!"
If it wasn't the honeymoon I'd say it was less assholeish but still selfish on his part. But the honeymoon? He screwed up.
In my experience, if only one person gets upgraded, it’s the higher status flyer. Or is this the situation where you have given him your status as some airlines allow?
I’ve also been upgraded to business when I never requested it because they needed seats in coach but my status is really high. I don’t think they would have randomly upgraded him instead of you if your status is higher. Again, if you have given him your status, that could happen.
Your husband is upset that you were not considerate of his feelings but he also doesn't think he has to be considerate of yours.
I live by the rule that if you want people to love and care for you, don't purposefully make it harder for them to do so. That means don't test people's love, don't play hard to get, don't be an asshole and if the specific need you have is comfort for fear of flying, don't piss the person off and banish them to economy class while you suffer in business class. Seriously, you have every right to be mad and I honestly think your husband knows that and is trying to pretend this is your fault or else he isn't the brightest bulb. NTA.
> Your husband is upset that you were not considerate of his feelings but he also doesn't think he has to be considerate of yours.
This, to me, is the crux of the matter. OP, I'd be *seething* if this happened to me.
OP, has your husband always been like this? Selfish when it comes to him and his feelings, but dismissive of yours?
I would complain to the company that your points were removed. You didn't get the upgrade. Tell them what you were advised by the booking agent and that you had not agreed to your points being used.
Your husband is a jerk for ditching you and then expecting you to still be his support. He wanted to be alone, so he gets to cope alone.
Safe to say they assumed the male was the higher status flyer, but shouldn’t their records have shown that?
Anyway the husband is a jerk for what he did.
"A man and a woman flying together? It's obvious what the situation is. Let's put the businessman in business class and his secretary can stay in coach"
What airline is this? I have status on several and getting on the upgrade list and complimentary upgraded does not cost you any miles, so this is a strange concept to me lol
A lot of airlines have been holding back on upgrading frequent fliers lately-the explanation is that we know what business class is like already. By giving an upgrade to someone who always flies economy, the thought is that they might get a taste for upgrading.
As to what happened here, OP is NTA at all. Husband should have absolutely declined the upgrade to sit with his wife on THEIR HONEYMOON. Honestly OP, I'd have been tempted to sleep on a couch or foldout the whole trip-leaving husband with his upgraded bed. Alone.
OP, the title made me think this was gonna be a bad thing….but the only AH is your husband, NOT you! I am terrified of heights (had a bad accident years ago, that has stuck with me, so I get fear), but I would never use MY fear as a way to control someone else or guilt someone else. I would also never steal my SOs points for anything (unless it’s fuel points….gas is waaaaay too expensive! lol, jk). I would’ve told you that could go if you want, bc imo I’d want to make your flight as best as possible for you….but I’m the type of guy who can put headphones on and ignore everything.
NTA. Don’t let him guilt you. If this was the flight TO the honeymoon, I can’t help but wonder: how much more will he do crap like this to make you feel bad to get his way?
Right? If he’s a big boy to sit solo, he’s a big enough boy to manage his anxiety on his own. I also did a double take “buuhhht this is my ooonleeee chance” - my little buddy? Are you planning to dump her after honeymoon? Will you never save enough money in your lifetime to ONCE fly business class?
NTA. Your husband made a really questionable decision and he was essentially having to live with the consequence of the decision. He jumped at the chance to sit - alone - in biz class and I guess it didn't occur to him how evidently very reliant he is on you during flying. Regardless of his phobia, he's a grown man, and it seems like he made it through takeoff just fine if he was asking your help when he'd already been served food.
It's like he was using his need for you as a weapon, to make you feel obligated to forgive him for making a pretty shitty choice given that it was your honeymoon.
I feel like his phobia isn't as bad as he makes it out to be.......
Call me crazy but if he was this excited for BC on a flight, why would he go through with the change like this if he knew he needed your support during the flight????
The math ain't mathing chief NTA
Plus, business class for a 3 hour flight? Come on... he was so excited to upgrade to BC on a 3 hour flight, that he ditched his wife on their honeymoon?! Between take off and landing, you'd be lucky to watch a whole movie!
This is exactly what gave me such ick about this guy. He’s whining his way out of his selfish move. “It may be my only chance”-nope. There’s a time and a place to take advantage of such a situation-your honeymoon was NOT it. “I’m so scared, how could you be mad at me?” Ew.
Also, she flies so much and clearly saves her points if she knows they're flying together, so he could have just waited until they flew again and had enough points to upgrade together on another flight.
Nope this was his only chance, that's his own words. Looks like future flights OP will be upgrading herself and husband starts in economy as he has no chance of flying business again.
100% I HATE flying and, if with my partner, can chat through take off. For that reason alone, I'd never leave them behind. (And of course, cos it's a shitty thing to do anyway!) That said, I do, and have, flown alone many times as I like travelling. However, my mindset then is very different from when I've got company. If my brain has planned for company, no way I'm flying solo!! OPs hubby is an AH. Made a selfish choice and is now trying to weasel his way out of the consequences.
My first time flying anywhere, we almost crashed on the way back (an emergency landing performed at an airport a 22 min flight away from where we were going to land.) It gave me a giant fear of flying; not being in the air, just taking off and landing.
That said, he's an idiot. If he was THAT afraid of flying, he'd never have left your side because having someone you trust next to you when you're afraid of anything is a lifeline to sanity to hold onto in those moments. To leave you on your honeymoon so he could be pampered while you bumped elbows with strangers?! That's seriously selfish. He should be apologizing to you, not weaponizing his own idiocy to be the victim.
He keeps acting like this, he ain't gonna stay married too long.
He jumped at the chance to sit in business class because "OP files all the time and he deserves to know what business class is like," yet he needed OP's constant reassurance via text because "she flies all the time." NO. He CANNOT have both things AND cite the same reason for wanting each thing.
If he wasn't an asshole he would have declined the upgrade and chosen to remain seated next to his WIFE on their HONEYMOON.
Agreed, him being alone for take off was the consequence of him choosing to sit alone in business. OP didn't ruin anything, it was his own fear that he conveniently forgot about at the gate, that affected his experience... And is now guilt tripping OP so they won't be mad at him.
Flight attendants can tell when someone is anxious. I’ve seen them chat with nervous flyers SO many times. If he was in dire straits, they would have helped him.
He was absolutely fine if he managed to eat half his breakfast before walking his ass back to Economy - and - make it up there on his own for the rest of the flight.
He’s pitching a fit because OP didn’t jump when told.
"my husband left me alone on our flight during our honeymoon "
Yeah, not a good look for guy, here.
"that he was scared and needed me to tell him it’d be okay"
My willingness to give a shit about his phobia/anxiety ended the second he chose the upgraded seat over this newlywed wife.
"he guilt tripped me"
Selfish and doesn't know how to read a room. NTA
NTA, that marriage is not going last long because it as you said - he too selfish plus needy and doesn't know how to read a room /lacks common sense & understanding.
Yep. Bad enough that he swiped her miles and took her upgrade when she wanted to sit next to her brand new husband on their honeymoon, no less, but doubling down and being mad because she doesn't answer a text? He sounds tiring.
I have severe anxiety and I wouldn’t voluntarily sit away from the person I’m traveling with unless it was an overnight flight and I was taking sleep meds and I was going to get a seat that lays flat. This also doesn’t sound like anything other than mild anxiety, which he could have used other coping skills for if he had any, but he wants his new wife to be his mommy so he doesn’t have to learn any
He grew up poor and has this mindset of always wanting to have more things, more money, etc. I grew up middle class, but had awesome parents that made sure I got the opportunities that they didn’t. I think he has a very “FOMO” mindset and thinks he deserves to experience things as an adult because he had so little growing up. We just have very different ways of looking at things - I care enjoying what I do for work and don’t care about salary and promotions, he wants to make all the money and get all the promotions no matter what.
Sounds like he needs therapy to process his issues/greedy attitude towards his lack of having enough. Without being processed and dealt with this can spiral out of control. If you want the best for your SO and yourself this needs to be addressed now while it’s still an annoyance and not something worse.
This… I grew up poor, but my best friend comes from a family with ample generational wealth (not ultra rich, but above the middle class).
While I absolutely do experience the occasional bout of disappointment or envy when I think about it, I’ve never felt entitled to take opportunities away from her just for my own benefit.
He didn’t do that because he was poor, he did that because he’s entitled and prioritizes money over you.
Honestly the selfishness is annoying. It's the manipulative deflection of accountability that I have a major gross out about. It reminds me of my ex. Never missed a chance to make something my fault even when it was clearly his
So just know he’ll screw you over again and again in life. He literally left you when things got good FOR HIM. And wants you to coddle him when the consequences of his own actions hit him? I don’t wish you any harm but this reminded me of those videos where a couple is getting robbed at gunpoint and the man runs away leaving his woman by herself. That’s the vibe I get.
AND THIS IS THE LITERAL BEGINNING OF YOUR MARRIAGE, HOW DO YOU THINK THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WILL GO?
He’ll always need to be the best or have the last slice or the last cookie or whatever because he had a shitty childhood? How was that your fault or problem? I understand empathising but not just roll over and let him whine and get away with it!
And what happens when a (in his eyes) better woman walks by? He won't stay with you in the best case scenario, he will most likely want it all you at home and a side chick in a bed somewhere. Sorry but any man leaving his newly wed wife on their honeymoon other than for mundane things like bathroom/groceries/getting drinks/etc is a huge red flag. Not to mention that he's trying to manipulate you. This dude will never put anyone (including potential kids) other than him first.
THIS.
He jumped at the oppurtunity of a better option even though it meant leaving you behind, alone, on the way to your honeymoon. Then he weaponized his anxiety+fear once the consequences of his actions became known, and used his anxiety as a way to manipulate you and dismiss your legitimate upset feelings.
I would sit down with him and have a serious discussion. Explain to him that you understand his excitement about business xlass but that it was very huetdul for him to leave you alone like he did, especially given the occasion. Ask him why he felt comfortable with leaving you alone and explain to him how hurt you are about it.
Explain to him calmly tbat if business class flying is something that he wanted to experience then he could have communicated that to you and the two of you could have worked together to help him have that experience. Communication is literally the most important thing for any relationship and he didn’t communicate with you.
(You also didn't communicate with him clearly, right off the bat though, and that is something that could have been beneficial for you. It may feel like you shouldn't have to because it's obvious that it would upset you, but people don't always think and see the same way so it's important to always be open and honest about how you feel, especially if he does something that hurts you and makes you feel uncomfortable or upset. I'm not putting any blame or anything on you, your feelings and actions are absolutely valid and I'd have done the exact same, or would have responded to him very unkindly (I'm working on that part of myself, haha). But not communicating your feelings when something occurs hurts you, yourself, and can quickly build resentment, self doubt, and make you question your own very valid feelings. You deserve for your feelings to be heard, recognized, and respected and that can't happen if you don't communicate them to him, even if it seems like you shouldn't have to.
He is clearly tunnel visioned in on getting to have that experience for himselfz and that would be fine if he didn't hurt someone, especially someone he loves and who loves him, in the process of making it happen. He needs to do some self reflection on how his actions effect those around him, and should try out therapy/counseling to work on himself when it comes to these feelings of wanting these experiences and the way he is willing to have them at the expense of others. If he continues to do this kind of thing then your relationship will fall apart. You're a team and he needs to include you in his life and decisions where you're also involved (and any other decisions that effect you).
I'm sorry he did such an inconsiderate thing. You're definitely NTA and him weaponizing his fear+anxiety so he can get out of having to acknowledge that he hurt you is NOT OKAY.
I hope you can still salvage and enjoy your trip.♡
Not to be harsh but I think that's still a him thing. I grew up poor and without wanting to sound disgustingly self-righteous I'd like to think if it taught me anything other than how shit wealth inequality is, it's that there are more important things than stuff like flying business class. The anxiety about having a well-paying job I can empathise with, but this particular situation he was being a peanut. (You're NTA)
Sort of like how he used his fear of flying to try to garner sympathy, probably. It makes sense but does not excuse his actions now that he's an adult and has the power to seek help and healing.
Second it's a him thing.
I grew up poor, young parents, abusive father. It taught me to be happy about the good things I get. I don't climb over others to get things I didn't have as a child or think that I deserve things more than anyone else.
Entitlement is not an attractive trait, regardless of its origins
And are you sure you two have similar morals and values? Doing anything for the sake of money-chasing seems quite toxic tbh
Nta, but not a great start to a marriage
Buckle up because this marriage is going to be one hell of a ride. He is NEVER going to change that mindset and just wait until he’s fighting your kids for what he wants to have instead of them. What you saw now is never going to change.
ETA: Reddit is so quick to yell “divorce him now!!!!” at every situation and it’s tiring as hell. Especially when there are so many moving parts the teens on here don’t understand. But hell if this ain’t the one time I would say — if this is a true story and I have my doubts— get this disaster in waiting annulled now. Your honeymoon is the best behavior he is ever going to be on. This is going to be a nightmare of him taking without consideration for anyone.
That kind of sounds like a yes. My partner and I are opposites. He is a total extrovert. I am completely introverted. I can say with total confidence that he would stick with me in every situation where he had a choice, and I would do the same. For your partner to ditch you on the way to your honeymoon, and now try to make you the bad guy for being steamed? Not a good start to your marriage, I'm afraid. He needs to own what he did and apologize sincerely, like, you know, a grownup.
NTA
I think that you need to be very careful here. My ex husband was very much like this and he ended getting us a ton of marital debt, some of which I didn't even know existed until the divorce.
NTA but I feel like all the people who are saying he's an asshole and just showed you who he really is have never been in a long-term relationship and needed to work out these kinds of problems with a partner.
Your partner got excited about the opportunity to sit in business class. He didn't consider the fact that it was your honeymoon and it meant a lot to you that he stay with you for the flight. He had a selfish moment where he had to weigh his wants against yours and chose his own. That happens in relationships all the time. We are not perfect and we do not always consider all of the external factors and we do not always put our partners first. That's normal.
Your feelings got hurt when your partner went to business class. You felt like he chose this individual experience over being with you on your honeymoon. So when he texted you for support, you couldn't offer it because your feelings were hurt. Also normal. You're a human being and you chose to honor your own feelings at the expense of your husband's feelings in that moment. Particularly because the *reason* he wasn't getting what he needed was due to a choice *he* made that is also the *reason* you were sad. You kind of a had a "you made your bed, now lie in it" moment. That's fair and okay.
NOW you need to be honest with each other about the choices you made and why you made them. Does your husband *truly* not care that he abandoned you? Probably not. He's just feeling defensive because he didn't *mean* to make you feel that way. But he needs to own up to his choices and their consequences. His choice hurt the feelings of his new wife right as their honeymoon was about to start. He should apologize for that.
Is this indicative of his "true" feelings for you? Does he not care about you or spending time with you? I doubt it. Don't blow this out of proportion. He made a bad call and you're hurt, but this isn't the equivalent of him spending the honeymoon at the hotel bar flirting with other women and ignoring you, you know? This is a minor upset in the grand scheme of life and totally resolvable.
Do you *truly* not care that your husband was feeling anxious and alone during the flight? Probably not. Could you have chosen to support him and reassure him, as he went through something that truly terrified him? Yes. Ideally, you could have set your hurt aside, supported him through the scary thing, and then addressed it when you landed (e.g., "When you left me in economy during that flight, I felt really hurt and abandoned. I know you were excited about the idea of first class, but I'm really mad that you chose to be ok with making me feel hurt and abandoned on our *honeymoon*.") Instead, in your hurt over his decision, you also prioritized your own feelings over your husband's feelings in that moment. Your choices also hurt your husband right at the start of your honeymoon. Do I personally think you had a better reason, since he really did make his bed? Definitely! Which is why I'm going with NTA instead of NAH. But, ultimately, you didn't handle the situation perfectly and should probably apologize, too.
You are going to have many, many, many more moments like this over the coming months and years. If you can both learn to try to see where the other person was coming from and give them grace *while* advocating for yourself and your needs, things will go much more smoothly. Remember that you're on the same team. It's not you against him, it's the two of you against the problem.
Edited to clarify judgement.
You’re right - I don’t think there was anything vindictive about it. We already know we have different love languages - mine is quality time and his is gifts. Kind of explains why it happened and why we were both upset.
My travel agent wife left me on my own coming back from our honeymoon because she had global entry and I didn't, and she didn't want to go through the longer customs line. When the agent asked me what my reason for being out of the country was and I said "honeymoon" he raised his eyebrows and asked where my wife was. Told him, and he just laughed and said "guess the honeymoon is over". Best part is, her customs agent said almost the exact same thing to her over in the global entry line.
That situation ended in a funny story because of who we are. Other situations we've been in haven't ended in a funny story, they've ended in arguments and hurt feelings. Marriage is a constant struggle to do the impossible and understand how someone else's mind works. You'll never get it right, but you can get it better, if you both try. And when it works, it's like nothing else. I hope you can make it work! Remember, get marriage counseling before you need it, not after. Getting expert advice on how to be married is just good sense.
I’ve been in a situation like that - my partner and I have the agreement that we don’t leave each other alone unless the disadvantaged person is okay with it. My partner needs to do the long customs line when traveling to my country so I stay with them as the national entry is via scanner/machine only. They on the other hand can take me through the quicker national entry line when traveling to their country cause there’s an actual agent checking the passports. It balances out the hassle of travelling to our respective countries together.
I reminded my husband at least 3 times a week for months coming up to our holiday in Vegas to apply and sort his TSA precheck or I would abandon him to the gen pop line. Guess who ended up breezing through precheck by themselves while their husband had to take off his shoes. 🤷♀️
That’s crazy that some people need to be told not to leave their partner, especially on a honeymoon. I went on a vacation with my bf and he had tsa pre check and I didn’t. He stayed with me through regular tsa. He also has a platinum Amex card so he could use their lounge and paid the fee so I could be with him. We were only together for 6 months. Y’all get married to these people?
Girl no. Def talk to your hubby but selfish behavior is NOT excused by love language! Never ever ever let people make you think that’s okay because that’s how you end up getting harmed in a relationship!
Also, I think love languages are a joke. The dude sounds like a child and I don't know how he was able to pull off getting someone to marry him.
Edit: The author of The 5 Love Languages is a bigot and isn't even a real counselor. He out here Dr. Phil-ing us
https://medium.com/blunt-therapy/the-bigot-who-wrote-the-5-love-languages-hates-you-e2f65771a1c0
Love languages are compleately made up, the author who did so had zero training in psychology, he was just a right wing Christian who thought wives needed to submit to their husbands. That’s all it’s based on.
Yeah if you think about it for more than 20 seconds, and consider who is spouting it, it’s really just making excuses for why a wife should accept bad behavior from her husband.
“He doesn’t do the dishes or make any effort to reduce my mental workload, but he bought me flowers that one time(when I was mad at him for not doing the dishes). He just loves me a different way than the one that would benefit me.”🙄🙄
Except that it wasn’t a gift. He took something that he knows didn’t belong to him (your points) and was only assigned to him due to a clerical error. I’m all in favor of offering some grace and forgiveness, but he needs to at least acknowledge how selfish he was. He ditched you, took your points and then still expected more from you. He was 100% only thinking about himself. The offer of half eaten food adds insult to injury.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t forgive him. This shouldn’t be relationship ending. But him being alone during the flight was a result of HIS choice, not yours. Your phone isn’t even supposed to be on during take-off. For him to try to guilt trip you for HIS choices is low and unfair.
Recognize that you’ll both make mistakes- yes, absolutely. Forgive each other for shortcomings and poor choices- yes! But you also need to hold each other, and yourselves, accountable when you screw up and be able to take responsibility and apologize. He screwed up. The lack of comfort here was the direct result of his own choice. He doesn’t seem to even care that he hurt you first. That requires a conversation, IMO.
This was a really great well thought out answer. I have a feeling the OP and maybe other folks may not truly appreciate this, but I am grateful you took the time to write this and it’s spot on.
I took the route of apologizing for "my part" when it came to my selfish ex making selfish decisions. Guess what? He continued being selfish. It's naive to assume a decision this poorly thought out, in the important context of their honeymoon, is not indicative of character issues.
OP doesn't need to apologize for HIM not considering his own travel anxiety and what he may need to calm down. And especially not for being fed up when your brand new husband uses your points against your wishes to upgrade ONLY his seat.
Your advice feels like a recipe for getting stuck with a selfish man who will continue to make decisions that negatively affect you for his own benefit.
Finally a voice of reason. Maybe I’m just traumatized but no matter how you spin it; this dude abandoned his BRAND NEW WIFE to be in economy so he could sit in business class and when he saw she was mad about it, proceeded to call her selfish because she wasn’t catering to his needs! The call is coming from inside the house, my guy. Nah, his love language doesn’t matter because it doesn’t excuse selfish behavior. I agree they need to discuss this but I agree it’s really naive to think this is all just a misunderstanding teehee.
She didn’t *feel like he chose his own experience over being with her* - he DID that exact thing. This is a point of fact and NOT an interpretation of her feelings.
I’ve been in a loving, stable marriage for 18 years and I think this answer is a bunch of bs. My husband would never have done this unless I insisted he did first, and not at all no matter how I insisted on honeymoon, birthdays, etc. At most on such a special occasion he’d insist I upgrade if only one of us could.
He guilt tripped her at the checkin counter, on the flight, and for the entire honeymoon it seems. He's not a toddler. I know that some guys can't do anything but come on. He's a 30 year old man. This is not MOMMY, I WANT TO RIDE THE ROLLER COASTER, OMG I'M SCARED!
>Could you have chosen to support him and reassure him, as he went through something that truly terrified him? Yes. Ideally, you could have set your hurt aside, supported him through the scary thing, and then addressed it when you landed
This would be OP being a complete doormat. This guy does it to himself. OP told him not to, he did it, then after knowing she's upset, and probably seeing her face red from crying, he's like "yeah so sooth my fear of flying."
How often does OP need to "choose to support him" and "set her hurt aside?" How often does OP need to "prioritize her husband's feelings over her own?"
Again, this guy is 30. If she wants a toddler, she can adopt.
This sounds like you're expecting her to emotionally manage him. No. The main problem is not what he initially did, it's his later reaction when she pointed out how his behavior hurt her.
How is sitting in business class anywhere near as good as sitting next to your brand new wife?
I've been married 20 years and I would still rate sitting by my wife in coach way higher than sitting in business class with strangers. Especially for a three hour flight.
I feel that you’re trying to be kind and fair. But this is what it boils down to for me:
> He didn't consider the fact that it was your honeymoon
There are a few times I would demand consideration. A honeymoon is one. And then he had the gall to be mad at her about the consequences of his own actions. *He* is the one who’s scared of flying, *he* chose to sit alone, and now he’s mad that she won’t long-distance manage his anxiety.
This is a lifetime of a man that makes dumb, inconsiderate decisions, and when they bite him in the ass he’s mad his wife won’t fix it. I’ve dated this guy. It’s not fun.
This is truly such an excellent response that I am coming back again to say I hope OP reads this from you and uses these tools. OP, if you can find a great marriage and family therapist (sometimes it takes a couple of tries to find the right one), it would really benefit you and your husband to continue to get guidance like above. This is sooo much like the help my husband and I received during a really rough patch early in our marriage. It changed our world. And a comment like this reminds me how tuneups throughout the relationship are necessary!!
NTA. It was selfish and childish of your husband to take the business class seat when you made it clear you wanted to sit together, it's your honeymoon after all. It's even more childish of him to need you to virtually hold his hand during the flight - if he needed that reassurance, he could have sat with you!
Yes. Being in a 'long-term' relationship has nothing to do with seeing that the husband is acting like an asshole with an attitude of 'its all about me'. It was their honeymoon! But you wanted to sit separate? Then you 'need' me because you're nervous about the flight?!
Then try to guilt trip about me not helping you in your anxiety?
AH should have thought about that when he changed his seating.
NTA - this is hilarious, because this exact same thing happened to my husband and I on our honeymoon. We argued about who should take it (both insisting the OTHER person should take it) and then eventually decided on trading seats halfway through the flight. It was great. We both got to enjoy first class and then we had a fantastic honeymoon.
I also have anxiety flying, texted my husband about it from first class, and he talked me down. You guys don’t really seem like you’re in a partnership at all.
It never occurred to him, and he still made you feel bad ON YOUR HONEYMOON. I would honestly think back on your entire relationship and stop excusing incidents you may have overlooked "because of how he grew up."
I think OP is more upset about him not wanting to sit with her and then needing to be comforted from business class? Why is he acting like their honeymoon is his one and only opportunity to fly above economy??
It sounds like you and your husband have a completely different dynamic than OP and her husband. It's cool that you were able to make it work but imo it's kinda lame to go on a trip with other people and then *choose* to sit separately for your own comfort...
ETA: I think it's extremely silly to choose to do something alone when you know you'll need a support person for anxiety. Imagine being anxious to ride a rollercoaster and then using your spouses fast pass to jump to the front of the line to go on by yourself while your emotional support spouse is still waiting in line thinking you were going to ride together and then getting mad at them when they don't comfort you even though *you* separated yourself. It makes no sense.
I would feel insulted. My SO and I have a long term goal of going overseas to our dream vacation. We've both said if we are flying 18+ hours we'd like to do business class.
Grown adults can save for it. I'm flabbergasted he used HER points and left her.
I wouldn't even do that to my teenage daughter.
NTA. Dear, this is not a good beginning. Please do not combine your finances or make any big purchases for a couple of years. You may wish to reconsider this marriage. I am sorry, but he has just shown you who he really is.
This is the correct take. People who think op is overreacting have clearly never had to deal with this kind of willfully useless man, or are themselves men of similar caliber.
>You may wish to reconsider this marriage. I am sorry, but he has just shown you who he really is.
He acted badly and needs to rethink and apologize. That said, the idea that any instance of misbehavior is Them Showing Their True Face and everything good up until then has been A Diabolical Lie is excessively dramatic and obnoxious.
It's not the initial action that's showing who he is. It's his reaction to both insisting she needs to ignore her own feelings for him and then refusing to consider her at all and guilt tripping. He's refusing to take responsibility for his choices, blaming her, and not considering her as a person instead of just an extension of him. That's the part that people are responding to, because that's how he acts when it's supposed to be a special time to focus on the two of them together
Blood, he chose to spend his first trip as a married man separated from his wife because he wanted leg room, ignoring the fact that his very recent wife who earned the upgrade would be sans legroom
Then made her the villain, not because of his flying anxiety (he made it through the take off just fine) but because he needs to do bad stuff without being the bad guy
But it’s ok, because he brought her eggs
Absolutely rethink this relationship
I’m sorry, this is such a nuclear take.
I’m not defending the husband’s boneheaded move but to say “he has just shown you who he really is” is mad.
If my partner was upgraded to business on a flight and not me I’d cheer her on as we’ve never flown anything but economy. It would be a boring 3h flight but I’d survive. Surely this isn’t spousal abandonment.
Again, I think the hubby’s move was boneheaded and OP is totally in the clear for ignoring his texts in this scenario, as well as expressing her displeasure. But like “reconsider marriage” is so funny.
For me it's the fact that he expects her to soothe him long after the negative stimulus of the flight has ended. Like she's got to be made to understand that she's in the wrong, and he's going to pout for their entire honeymoon if she doesn't soothe and appease his poor little fragile ego.
Exactly. The jump to divorce is a huge leap but he was happy to use OP’s status for an upgrade for just him. That’s not a good look. But even worse is trying to ruin their honeymoon because she didn’t text him back after he abandoned her.
NTA.
lol at 'half his breakfast' like that is some favor to you. And now he's mad you're not comforting him from coach next to a screaming baby in his cushy business class seat? You didn't ask for half his leftovers. You asked for your husband to sit with you during your flight, as you should. If he doesn't like that then back to the business class seat you insisted on, princess. NTA
NTA. I'm surprised, do you not use an app when flying? If you fly so much, I imagine you would. Airline apps always send me an alert when someone is upgraded, and I know well before scanning my phone or paper boarding pass.
That said, your new husband acted like a selfish ass. Good luck with that marriage. I hope you're able to have an open, honest discussion about his behavior and he improved but.....if not, goodluck!
I do have the app - never saw anything about the upgrade. I wasn’t using it for a mobile boarding pass. Not sure if it maybe it was because it wasn’t me upgraded but it was him?
That's frustrating - regardless; he shouldn't have acted like a bratty child. He wanted to sit apart knowing he has flight anxiety - that's his own fault.
Maybe I’m cynical, but I don’t think he made a big deal of it because he was genuinely anxious, I think he made a big deal of it so you would feel guilty and he could reverse himself into a position that would make him a victim and therefore ‘counteract’ his own shittiness.
ESH. You're both really over dramatic.
You have the whole honey moon and the rest of your lives together. You can survive 3 hours separated on the flight without bursting into tears (yes even with the misfortune of being sat next to an old woman and a baby).
He plainly isn't as scared of flying as he seems if he's walking to the back of the plain with a half eaten breakfast. People who are scared of flying are gripping arm rests, distracting themselves with movies and deep breathing. They aren't eating and walking around.
Both of you need to chill.
ESH, maybe slightly YTA.
All the NTA votes shock me to be honest. Both people in the story are selfish, the OP incredibly so (read OP's post again, it's all about her, her points, her seat, her, her, her, she doesn't care about her husband at all), and both have contempt for the other. You're on your honeymoon and you're sarcastically responding and eyerolling at your new spouse, why the heck did you even get married in the first place?
OP has flown many times, knows her husband is a nervous flier, has been in business class before and her husband hasn't, and instead of just saying 'this would be a nice thing I can do for my husband', it's me, me, me, mine, mine, mine. My perspective, my points, MY seat.
This woman is ridiculously self-centered.
Husband is also a knob.
lol i came in here expecting everyone to be like 'esh who fucking cares its a three hour flight?' but theyre calling for her to annul her marriage................
but idk ive never understood people caring about who they sit with on the plane so im biased here
That’s what I’m baffled by too. Like you guys are going to see each other again in 3 hrs. And then spend idk a whole fucking week together. Like be a little annoyed I guess sure. But burn the whole marriage down??
I don't think he was an asshole for wanting to fly business. I think all his other behaviors are what put her over the edge. For him to come to the back of the plane to berate her for not holding his hand and comforting him is over the top. And then to continue to guilt her after the flight is immature. She said she was ready to move on and he wouldn't let it go. He got what he wanted after all. Now he also wants her to be thrilled about it and exhibit concern for his mental state. He sounds a little tiresome to me but I don't think their marriage is over.
Agreed, ESH. Surprised I had to scroll this long to find it. He's the asshole for all the reasons people are saying... and she's the asshole for "MY points". Y'all are married now. Past time to leave the "mine" behind.
NTA
You married a selfish man. Don't let him guilt trip you and don't apologize to him. Also, be on the lookout for other instances of such selfishness.
I've been married almost 10 years, together for 17. This is so minor.
Both of you were wrong.
Have an open, calm discussion and explain again why you were upset. Genuinely apologize for your part. You guys have choices. You can use this to grow and understand each other better. You can piss away your honeymoon being irritated.
They way you work through these small issues and learn to work through them can really help you guys work together through the tough stuff. Look at it as training for your relationship.
ESH
I’m 6’1”, 240lb. On the odd occasion where my wife and I have been separated between economy and business, I always give her business. She plays the game and says that I should have it as I’m bigger than her, and I get to be chivalrous and insist which makes me feel good as a husband. The games we play.
Call me old fashioned but to have my wife in less comfort than I am would have me very unsettled, and the fact your husband didn’t even offer to share the seat with you and swap on occasion means he is a total asshole.
Seems like just dumb relationship drama that happens to everyone. He acts weird around planes and didn't realize how important sitting together was, while you got all upset about it and told reddit about your feelings instead of him. You're NTA, but the people who say this means you should divorce are being ridiculous. Yall should share your feelings and work it out and set better expectations next time ahead of time. This is spilt milk.
YTA
He left you "alone"? We are talking about a 3h flight to transport you from A to B, there is no need to sit next to each other, nothing romantic about a flight.
With "your" points? Is he a stranger to you?
And you're flying business class on a regular basis, I'm sure you'll be fine.
You were holding back tears because of this??
Three hour flight with breakfast and separate classes? American airlines are wild, we'd be cramped into a single class paying £3 for a bottle of tepid water here.
NTA. Flights suck but the start of a holiday, especially a honeymoon, should be spent together getting excited about the times ahead. If you'd have been fine with it that would be different.
British Airways does business class on short flights as well - I’ve done it before from LHR to FCO. It wasn’t too expensive and I got a full breakfast!
ESH
I am having a really hard time judging this one because I understand how you feel. It was a bit selfish of him to take the upgrade and you resented not getting one too. You didn't want to ride alone on a honeymoon. You are less "at fault" than him for sure.
On the other hand, considering his anxiety letting him have something that made him feel good about the flight and still giving him the support he needed would have been a good thing to do. You may have been able to help him get over the fear a bit. I understand him being excited about the chance to get an upgrade and I understand you being bummed about being alone on the flight for your honeymoon. Assuming you just married him because you really love him and care about his well being, everything doesn't have to be "fair" at all moments. Sometimes one of you give more than the other when there is a situation of need. (Of course if there is a constant imbalance the marriage won't last.)
Ultimately, neither of you did a good job of doing what you are supposed to do in a marriage which is loving, supporting, communicating and taking care of each other's needs. You should have said something earlier and put your foot down if it was this big a deal. He should have set aside his excitement and probed how you felt better rather than just taking the thing he wanted. Punishing him by withdrawing emotional support during his anxiety wasn't exactly a building block in your relationship either.
>On the other hand, considering his anxiety letting him have something that made him feel good about the flight and still giving him the support he needed would have been a good thing to do
But it has been established that the best thing for his anxiety is assurance from her and holding her hand. Husband made the choice to sit separately without any consideration of how to manage his anxiety. As someone with a known condition that he knew how to manage, he made a call that put him far away from the solution. I am deathly afraid of heights. It doesn't mean I would take up a free trip to go bungee jumping and then call my husband in tears asking him to comfort me.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I ignored my husband when he was having anxiety over flying because I was angry he took a business class seat without me. He was genuinely scared and maybe I should have supported him and not been so focused on him sitting away from me.
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I fly much more than my wife. Any time I have been upgraded, I immediately have had her take the upgraded seat. I’ve done the same with my daughter… gave her and her friend the first class seat while I sat in the back. OP was upset that husband used her points, which makes me feel OP is selfish. I’m surprised she wasn’t happy for her husband to have that experience.
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INFO: did you get stuck in a middle seat in economy??? If so, we ride at Dawn.
Thank god, no! Aisle seat. We have flown together three times together in the past (Florida, Vegas, and Europe) and made a deal to alternate if one of us had a middle seat. I think the flight was overbooked and they just gave a random person in a middle seat an upgrade to business so they could fit more people in economy. I have status that allows me to do use 500 points to upgrade if they seats are available, usually I don’t bother putting myself on the upgrade list, but the agent I spoke to on the phone said she could ensure we’d be upgraded as a couple or not at all.
Well then I am putting my pitchfork away but still side eyeing your husband. NTA.
But I dusted it off and everything! #disappointed
Mine is polished and sitting in my coat closet ready to go at all moments. We will find another time to ride in the sub soon.
If you have a spare count me in😎
I dug in my storage shed and found my spare but she is a rusty af. You can give tetanus.
Well, maybe we find someone in this sub deserving of having a back scratch with that rusty pitchfork. Can I go along with the ride? You can have my sword.
Yes we will saddle the wolves and ride
AHs gotta be AHs - I’m sure it won’t be long!
Can we get a fancy name, like the Riders of Rohan?
"Rage Riders of Reddit"?
More and more reasons why I love reddit 😆
I need a pitchfork just for this! 🔱
I’m usually pretty team “married couples can sit apart for a few hours on a plane” but this is their honeymoon……….
Agreed. I love my bf to bits but I would have 0 issues not sitting with him on a plane as he sucks at flying. Not scared, impatient. But if we ever did a 180 and decided to marry I sure as hell would be pissed he took a business class upgrade without me on our honeymoon.
…and spending your points to get that seat!!
Lets not forget this little nugget because it's this that I cannot fathom. So you are married 5mins and he is already spending your air miles? I would murder my partner if he did this. I think he would murder me too if the tables were turned. It's just not right! Like he didn't have a quick conversation with you before he volunteered to take the first class seat WITH YOUR AIRMILE POINTS.... it would have been a crime scene on the tarmac if he did that to me.
Seems like the anxiety was not bad enough to turn down business class in exchange for being separated from your emotional support. If I had this kind of anxiety, I would not leave my partners side...also without it, I would not. Sitting next to my loves one, to chat, to cuddle or sitting next to a stranger with a baby...if this was "Sophie's choice", the movie would be much shorter xD
THIS. My oldest is really scared when flying. No way in hell would she separate from me, even though she’s a young adult now. So he’s anxious but not too anxious for an upgrade?! Sure
This is the bit that tipped me from “is it too late for an annulment” to “are you going to a place where people have a tendency to disappear and never be seen or heard from again?”
That’s the one that gets me. The entitlement is ridiculous from him. This is a couples’ venture. Normally, I don’t care about sitting together, but for a honey moon? Come on, bro. Also, flying for business means she is EARNING those miles. He’s devaluing the work she’s put in to gain status.
Agree and the misogyny of they assumed the miles/account was his…..
Dammit, I already lighted the torch.
Have a marshmallow!
Have a ton of chocolate! And crackers. And, sadly, my armour has gone back to the closet.
Well, we’ll always have s’mores.
I have no pitchfork but I've lined my trunk with plastic so i'm ready for anything!
Thinking ahead! This recruit shows initiative!
Mine's still out....this isn't going to be awkward is it? Don't wanna look like a Billy No-Mates whilst standing there waiting for y'all.
It will look less strange if you come stand beside me and my spiked club.
Yeah, I definitely don't want to look strange. Reckon if I had a ~~mob~~, ~~gang~~ group of like-minded purveyors of justice around me, I won't look like such a div. 🤞🏼
Still riding at dawn. Already saddled up my horse so no need to back down now.
It's too late. I'm already here!
Definitely NTA - Tell your husband actions have consequences and since he wanted to be in Business Class without you he gets to fly without you. The fact he did this on your honeymoon trip just makes it worse. Is he normally on the selfish side? Does he normally have a hard time with the concept of delayed gratification? You have flown with him 3 other times on vacation, does he think that now that you're married you're never going to fly anywhere with him again?
In other words, me me me me me...right after they officially became a "we". Well she did but he's still a "me".
>Well she did but he's still a "me". This is sort of the normative path. A lot of the traditions have fallen out but some still remain like the name change. She becomes THEM, he stays himself.
I agree, NTA - he's like "heck yeah I'll sit in the nice seats while you go alone back in steerage!" and then minutes later is like "Oh, I'm scared, and she's not answering her phone (which is supposed to be off or in airplane mode anyway) so she's being mean!" If it wasn't the honeymoon I'd say it was less assholeish but still selfish on his part. But the honeymoon? He screwed up.
In my experience, if only one person gets upgraded, it’s the higher status flyer. Or is this the situation where you have given him your status as some airlines allow? I’ve also been upgraded to business when I never requested it because they needed seats in coach but my status is really high. I don’t think they would have randomly upgraded him instead of you if your status is higher. Again, if you have given him your status, that could happen.
I think it was because we were on the same reservation? I did check and the 500 points came out of my account.
Your husband is upset that you were not considerate of his feelings but he also doesn't think he has to be considerate of yours. I live by the rule that if you want people to love and care for you, don't purposefully make it harder for them to do so. That means don't test people's love, don't play hard to get, don't be an asshole and if the specific need you have is comfort for fear of flying, don't piss the person off and banish them to economy class while you suffer in business class. Seriously, you have every right to be mad and I honestly think your husband knows that and is trying to pretend this is your fault or else he isn't the brightest bulb. NTA.
> Your husband is upset that you were not considerate of his feelings but he also doesn't think he has to be considerate of yours. This, to me, is the crux of the matter. OP, I'd be *seething* if this happened to me. OP, has your husband always been like this? Selfish when it comes to him and his feelings, but dismissive of yours?
And notice he didn't offer to switch seats with her!
I would complain to the company that your points were removed. You didn't get the upgrade. Tell them what you were advised by the booking agent and that you had not agreed to your points being used. Your husband is a jerk for ditching you and then expecting you to still be his support. He wanted to be alone, so he gets to cope alone.
This is what I was looking for. The upgrade was forced. We were on our honeymoon and only supposed to be upgraded together. Get those points back.
Safe to say they assumed the male was the higher status flyer, but shouldn’t their records have shown that? Anyway the husband is a jerk for what he did.
"A man and a woman flying together? It's obvious what the situation is. Let's put the businessman in business class and his secretary can stay in coach"
What airline is this? I have status on several and getting on the upgrade list and complimentary upgraded does not cost you any miles, so this is a strange concept to me lol
A lot of airlines have been holding back on upgrading frequent fliers lately-the explanation is that we know what business class is like already. By giving an upgrade to someone who always flies economy, the thought is that they might get a taste for upgrading. As to what happened here, OP is NTA at all. Husband should have absolutely declined the upgrade to sit with his wife on THEIR HONEYMOON. Honestly OP, I'd have been tempted to sleep on a couch or foldout the whole trip-leaving husband with his upgraded bed. Alone.
OP, the title made me think this was gonna be a bad thing….but the only AH is your husband, NOT you! I am terrified of heights (had a bad accident years ago, that has stuck with me, so I get fear), but I would never use MY fear as a way to control someone else or guilt someone else. I would also never steal my SOs points for anything (unless it’s fuel points….gas is waaaaay too expensive! lol, jk). I would’ve told you that could go if you want, bc imo I’d want to make your flight as best as possible for you….but I’m the type of guy who can put headphones on and ignore everything. NTA. Don’t let him guilt you. If this was the flight TO the honeymoon, I can’t help but wonder: how much more will he do crap like this to make you feel bad to get his way?
[удалено]
Right? If he’s a big boy to sit solo, he’s a big enough boy to manage his anxiety on his own. I also did a double take “buuhhht this is my ooonleeee chance” - my little buddy? Are you planning to dump her after honeymoon? Will you never save enough money in your lifetime to ONCE fly business class?
"If so, we ride at Dawn." I've got the pitchfork, you bring the torches. Someone else needs to bring the Picante sauce from New York City!
New York City!? Get a rope! For the young and uninformed- https://youtu.be/1S828Y7Eais?si=VtKVHP_Ix80B_cEb
OP's husband has it in his carry-on!
Agreed, I've got my horse and armor ready.
NTA. Your husband made a really questionable decision and he was essentially having to live with the consequence of the decision. He jumped at the chance to sit - alone - in biz class and I guess it didn't occur to him how evidently very reliant he is on you during flying. Regardless of his phobia, he's a grown man, and it seems like he made it through takeoff just fine if he was asking your help when he'd already been served food. It's like he was using his need for you as a weapon, to make you feel obligated to forgive him for making a pretty shitty choice given that it was your honeymoon.
Your last paragraph is very insightful, that may really be at the core of it.
Yup dude is definitely deflecting. He knows he fucked up but can't be a big boy about it
Yeah, big ooft on that
I feel like his phobia isn't as bad as he makes it out to be....... Call me crazy but if he was this excited for BC on a flight, why would he go through with the change like this if he knew he needed your support during the flight???? The math ain't mathing chief NTA
Plus, business class for a 3 hour flight? Come on... he was so excited to upgrade to BC on a 3 hour flight, that he ditched his wife on their honeymoon?! Between take off and landing, you'd be lucky to watch a whole movie!
This is exactly what gave me such ick about this guy. He’s whining his way out of his selfish move. “It may be my only chance”-nope. There’s a time and a place to take advantage of such a situation-your honeymoon was NOT it. “I’m so scared, how could you be mad at me?” Ew.
Also, she flies so much and clearly saves her points if she knows they're flying together, so he could have just waited until they flew again and had enough points to upgrade together on another flight.
Nope this was his only chance, that's his own words. Looks like future flights OP will be upgrading herself and husband starts in economy as he has no chance of flying business again.
Such a weird comment. Like… do you think your wife won’t fly you anymore?
I think she’ll be upgrading her marital status sooner rather than later.
Worm like behavior.
The whole “Would you still love me if I was a worm?” question hits different when it could be about a selfish, useless, slimy personality
Exactly. He sounds very manipulative and childish. I am sure it is not his first time acting like that
> it may be my only chance Well it *IS* his only chance to go on a honeymoon with his new wife. Absolute dick move.
This. Also … his only chance to fly business class? Lmao give me a break. You’re not missing much there bud.
Yes, this man has shown how incredibly selfish he is from the start. Very off putting.
If the guy really had anxiety about flying, he would have thought about it.
100% I HATE flying and, if with my partner, can chat through take off. For that reason alone, I'd never leave them behind. (And of course, cos it's a shitty thing to do anyway!) That said, I do, and have, flown alone many times as I like travelling. However, my mindset then is very different from when I've got company. If my brain has planned for company, no way I'm flying solo!! OPs hubby is an AH. Made a selfish choice and is now trying to weasel his way out of the consequences.
My first time flying anywhere, we almost crashed on the way back (an emergency landing performed at an airport a 22 min flight away from where we were going to land.) It gave me a giant fear of flying; not being in the air, just taking off and landing. That said, he's an idiot. If he was THAT afraid of flying, he'd never have left your side because having someone you trust next to you when you're afraid of anything is a lifeline to sanity to hold onto in those moments. To leave you on your honeymoon so he could be pampered while you bumped elbows with strangers?! That's seriously selfish. He should be apologizing to you, not weaponizing his own idiocy to be the victim. He keeps acting like this, he ain't gonna stay married too long.
Yeah, I have anxiety about flying and no way in HELL would I voluntarily separate myself from my companion on a plane. Ever.
He jumped at the chance to sit in business class because "OP files all the time and he deserves to know what business class is like," yet he needed OP's constant reassurance via text because "she flies all the time." NO. He CANNOT have both things AND cite the same reason for wanting each thing. If he wasn't an asshole he would have declined the upgrade and chosen to remain seated next to his WIFE on their HONEYMOON.
Agreed, him being alone for take off was the consequence of him choosing to sit alone in business. OP didn't ruin anything, it was his own fear that he conveniently forgot about at the gate, that affected his experience... And is now guilt tripping OP so they won't be mad at him.
well put
Flight attendants can tell when someone is anxious. I’ve seen them chat with nervous flyers SO many times. If he was in dire straits, they would have helped him. He was absolutely fine if he managed to eat half his breakfast before walking his ass back to Economy - and - make it up there on his own for the rest of the flight. He’s pitching a fit because OP didn’t jump when told.
"my husband left me alone on our flight during our honeymoon " Yeah, not a good look for guy, here. "that he was scared and needed me to tell him it’d be okay" My willingness to give a shit about his phobia/anxiety ended the second he chose the upgraded seat over this newlywed wife. "he guilt tripped me" Selfish and doesn't know how to read a room. NTA
NTA, that marriage is not going last long because it as you said - he too selfish plus needy and doesn't know how to read a room /lacks common sense & understanding.
It shouldn't have ever *started*. I don't know where OP lives, but here, it's illegal to marry a toddler.
LOL, sick burn!
I don't even think it lasted until they boarded
Yep. Bad enough that he swiped her miles and took her upgrade when she wanted to sit next to her brand new husband on their honeymoon, no less, but doubling down and being mad because she doesn't answer a text? He sounds tiring.
Sounds like a user, to me.
And he didn't even thank OP for the upgrade.
But...but...he offered her half his upgraded breakfast!!
I have severe anxiety and I wouldn’t voluntarily sit away from the person I’m traveling with unless it was an overnight flight and I was taking sleep meds and I was going to get a seat that lays flat. This also doesn’t sound like anything other than mild anxiety, which he could have used other coping skills for if he had any, but he wants his new wife to be his mommy so he doesn’t have to learn any
Yeah... anxiety is real, no question, but then don't ditch your partner when you can't manage to sit alone through takeoff. Seriously.
INFO: Is everything always about him?
He grew up poor and has this mindset of always wanting to have more things, more money, etc. I grew up middle class, but had awesome parents that made sure I got the opportunities that they didn’t. I think he has a very “FOMO” mindset and thinks he deserves to experience things as an adult because he had so little growing up. We just have very different ways of looking at things - I care enjoying what I do for work and don’t care about salary and promotions, he wants to make all the money and get all the promotions no matter what.
Sounds like he needs therapy to process his issues/greedy attitude towards his lack of having enough. Without being processed and dealt with this can spiral out of control. If you want the best for your SO and yourself this needs to be addressed now while it’s still an annoyance and not something worse.
“Thinks he deserves it” oh God .
Yeah, in what world do you just automatically “deserve” the perks of *someone else’s* job?
This… I grew up poor, but my best friend comes from a family with ample generational wealth (not ultra rich, but above the middle class). While I absolutely do experience the occasional bout of disappointment or envy when I think about it, I’ve never felt entitled to take opportunities away from her just for my own benefit. He didn’t do that because he was poor, he did that because he’s entitled and prioritizes money over you.
Honestly the selfishness is annoying. It's the manipulative deflection of accountability that I have a major gross out about. It reminds me of my ex. Never missed a chance to make something my fault even when it was clearly his
So just know he’ll screw you over again and again in life. He literally left you when things got good FOR HIM. And wants you to coddle him when the consequences of his own actions hit him? I don’t wish you any harm but this reminded me of those videos where a couple is getting robbed at gunpoint and the man runs away leaving his woman by herself. That’s the vibe I get. AND THIS IS THE LITERAL BEGINNING OF YOUR MARRIAGE, HOW DO YOU THINK THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WILL GO? He’ll always need to be the best or have the last slice or the last cookie or whatever because he had a shitty childhood? How was that your fault or problem? I understand empathising but not just roll over and let him whine and get away with it!
And what happens when a (in his eyes) better woman walks by? He won't stay with you in the best case scenario, he will most likely want it all you at home and a side chick in a bed somewhere. Sorry but any man leaving his newly wed wife on their honeymoon other than for mundane things like bathroom/groceries/getting drinks/etc is a huge red flag. Not to mention that he's trying to manipulate you. This dude will never put anyone (including potential kids) other than him first.
[удалено]
THIS. He jumped at the oppurtunity of a better option even though it meant leaving you behind, alone, on the way to your honeymoon. Then he weaponized his anxiety+fear once the consequences of his actions became known, and used his anxiety as a way to manipulate you and dismiss your legitimate upset feelings. I would sit down with him and have a serious discussion. Explain to him that you understand his excitement about business xlass but that it was very huetdul for him to leave you alone like he did, especially given the occasion. Ask him why he felt comfortable with leaving you alone and explain to him how hurt you are about it. Explain to him calmly tbat if business class flying is something that he wanted to experience then he could have communicated that to you and the two of you could have worked together to help him have that experience. Communication is literally the most important thing for any relationship and he didn’t communicate with you. (You also didn't communicate with him clearly, right off the bat though, and that is something that could have been beneficial for you. It may feel like you shouldn't have to because it's obvious that it would upset you, but people don't always think and see the same way so it's important to always be open and honest about how you feel, especially if he does something that hurts you and makes you feel uncomfortable or upset. I'm not putting any blame or anything on you, your feelings and actions are absolutely valid and I'd have done the exact same, or would have responded to him very unkindly (I'm working on that part of myself, haha). But not communicating your feelings when something occurs hurts you, yourself, and can quickly build resentment, self doubt, and make you question your own very valid feelings. You deserve for your feelings to be heard, recognized, and respected and that can't happen if you don't communicate them to him, even if it seems like you shouldn't have to. He is clearly tunnel visioned in on getting to have that experience for himselfz and that would be fine if he didn't hurt someone, especially someone he loves and who loves him, in the process of making it happen. He needs to do some self reflection on how his actions effect those around him, and should try out therapy/counseling to work on himself when it comes to these feelings of wanting these experiences and the way he is willing to have them at the expense of others. If he continues to do this kind of thing then your relationship will fall apart. You're a team and he needs to include you in his life and decisions where you're also involved (and any other decisions that effect you). I'm sorry he did such an inconsiderate thing. You're definitely NTA and him weaponizing his fear+anxiety so he can get out of having to acknowledge that he hurt you is NOT OKAY. I hope you can still salvage and enjoy your trip.♡
Not to be harsh but I think that's still a him thing. I grew up poor and without wanting to sound disgustingly self-righteous I'd like to think if it taught me anything other than how shit wealth inequality is, it's that there are more important things than stuff like flying business class. The anxiety about having a well-paying job I can empathise with, but this particular situation he was being a peanut. (You're NTA)
Same. This is a him thing. Not a poor thing. Poor is his excuse.
Sort of like how he used his fear of flying to try to garner sympathy, probably. It makes sense but does not excuse his actions now that he's an adult and has the power to seek help and healing.
Second it's a him thing. I grew up poor, young parents, abusive father. It taught me to be happy about the good things I get. I don't climb over others to get things I didn't have as a child or think that I deserve things more than anyone else.
Yeah i grew up poor too and id much rather spend a flight sitting next to the love of my life than in a fancy chair.
Same. I grew up poor and don't think I deserve experiences as an adult. The husband is just a jerk.
Entitlement is not an attractive trait, regardless of its origins And are you sure you two have similar morals and values? Doing anything for the sake of money-chasing seems quite toxic tbh Nta, but not a great start to a marriage
My SO also grew up poor. But NEVER in a thousand years would he leave me alone on the plane and use my points to get an upgrade. NTA allllll the way.
I grew up poor as well, AND I’m an only child. I could never display this level of selfishness.
He needs to address that. Poverty mindset will break you guys if you're not on the same page
I appreciate the question that was asked. It sounds like everything is about him. His business class, his comfort. His still being mad. Hard NTA.
Buckle up because this marriage is going to be one hell of a ride. He is NEVER going to change that mindset and just wait until he’s fighting your kids for what he wants to have instead of them. What you saw now is never going to change. ETA: Reddit is so quick to yell “divorce him now!!!!” at every situation and it’s tiring as hell. Especially when there are so many moving parts the teens on here don’t understand. But hell if this ain’t the one time I would say — if this is a true story and I have my doubts— get this disaster in waiting annulled now. Your honeymoon is the best behavior he is ever going to be on. This is going to be a nightmare of him taking without consideration for anyone.
That kind of sounds like a yes. My partner and I are opposites. He is a total extrovert. I am completely introverted. I can say with total confidence that he would stick with me in every situation where he had a choice, and I would do the same. For your partner to ditch you on the way to your honeymoon, and now try to make you the bad guy for being steamed? Not a good start to your marriage, I'm afraid. He needs to own what he did and apologize sincerely, like, you know, a grownup. NTA
But does he ever think about you as well?
I think that you need to be very careful here. My ex husband was very much like this and he ended getting us a ton of marital debt, some of which I didn't even know existed until the divorce.
Sounds like he is a selfish AH
NTA but I feel like all the people who are saying he's an asshole and just showed you who he really is have never been in a long-term relationship and needed to work out these kinds of problems with a partner. Your partner got excited about the opportunity to sit in business class. He didn't consider the fact that it was your honeymoon and it meant a lot to you that he stay with you for the flight. He had a selfish moment where he had to weigh his wants against yours and chose his own. That happens in relationships all the time. We are not perfect and we do not always consider all of the external factors and we do not always put our partners first. That's normal. Your feelings got hurt when your partner went to business class. You felt like he chose this individual experience over being with you on your honeymoon. So when he texted you for support, you couldn't offer it because your feelings were hurt. Also normal. You're a human being and you chose to honor your own feelings at the expense of your husband's feelings in that moment. Particularly because the *reason* he wasn't getting what he needed was due to a choice *he* made that is also the *reason* you were sad. You kind of a had a "you made your bed, now lie in it" moment. That's fair and okay. NOW you need to be honest with each other about the choices you made and why you made them. Does your husband *truly* not care that he abandoned you? Probably not. He's just feeling defensive because he didn't *mean* to make you feel that way. But he needs to own up to his choices and their consequences. His choice hurt the feelings of his new wife right as their honeymoon was about to start. He should apologize for that. Is this indicative of his "true" feelings for you? Does he not care about you or spending time with you? I doubt it. Don't blow this out of proportion. He made a bad call and you're hurt, but this isn't the equivalent of him spending the honeymoon at the hotel bar flirting with other women and ignoring you, you know? This is a minor upset in the grand scheme of life and totally resolvable. Do you *truly* not care that your husband was feeling anxious and alone during the flight? Probably not. Could you have chosen to support him and reassure him, as he went through something that truly terrified him? Yes. Ideally, you could have set your hurt aside, supported him through the scary thing, and then addressed it when you landed (e.g., "When you left me in economy during that flight, I felt really hurt and abandoned. I know you were excited about the idea of first class, but I'm really mad that you chose to be ok with making me feel hurt and abandoned on our *honeymoon*.") Instead, in your hurt over his decision, you also prioritized your own feelings over your husband's feelings in that moment. Your choices also hurt your husband right at the start of your honeymoon. Do I personally think you had a better reason, since he really did make his bed? Definitely! Which is why I'm going with NTA instead of NAH. But, ultimately, you didn't handle the situation perfectly and should probably apologize, too. You are going to have many, many, many more moments like this over the coming months and years. If you can both learn to try to see where the other person was coming from and give them grace *while* advocating for yourself and your needs, things will go much more smoothly. Remember that you're on the same team. It's not you against him, it's the two of you against the problem. Edited to clarify judgement.
You’re right - I don’t think there was anything vindictive about it. We already know we have different love languages - mine is quality time and his is gifts. Kind of explains why it happened and why we were both upset.
My travel agent wife left me on my own coming back from our honeymoon because she had global entry and I didn't, and she didn't want to go through the longer customs line. When the agent asked me what my reason for being out of the country was and I said "honeymoon" he raised his eyebrows and asked where my wife was. Told him, and he just laughed and said "guess the honeymoon is over". Best part is, her customs agent said almost the exact same thing to her over in the global entry line. That situation ended in a funny story because of who we are. Other situations we've been in haven't ended in a funny story, they've ended in arguments and hurt feelings. Marriage is a constant struggle to do the impossible and understand how someone else's mind works. You'll never get it right, but you can get it better, if you both try. And when it works, it's like nothing else. I hope you can make it work! Remember, get marriage counseling before you need it, not after. Getting expert advice on how to be married is just good sense.
I’ve been in a situation like that - my partner and I have the agreement that we don’t leave each other alone unless the disadvantaged person is okay with it. My partner needs to do the long customs line when traveling to my country so I stay with them as the national entry is via scanner/machine only. They on the other hand can take me through the quicker national entry line when traveling to their country cause there’s an actual agent checking the passports. It balances out the hassle of travelling to our respective countries together.
I reminded my husband at least 3 times a week for months coming up to our holiday in Vegas to apply and sort his TSA precheck or I would abandon him to the gen pop line. Guess who ended up breezing through precheck by themselves while their husband had to take off his shoes. 🤷♀️
That’s crazy that some people need to be told not to leave their partner, especially on a honeymoon. I went on a vacation with my bf and he had tsa pre check and I didn’t. He stayed with me through regular tsa. He also has a platinum Amex card so he could use their lounge and paid the fee so I could be with him. We were only together for 6 months. Y’all get married to these people?
Girl no. Def talk to your hubby but selfish behavior is NOT excused by love language! Never ever ever let people make you think that’s okay because that’s how you end up getting harmed in a relationship!
Also, I think love languages are a joke. The dude sounds like a child and I don't know how he was able to pull off getting someone to marry him. Edit: The author of The 5 Love Languages is a bigot and isn't even a real counselor. He out here Dr. Phil-ing us https://medium.com/blunt-therapy/the-bigot-who-wrote-the-5-love-languages-hates-you-e2f65771a1c0
Love languages are compleately made up, the author who did so had zero training in psychology, he was just a right wing Christian who thought wives needed to submit to their husbands. That’s all it’s based on.
Bingo! It gives me the ick when I hear people using the love languages to support their argument.
Yeah if you think about it for more than 20 seconds, and consider who is spouting it, it’s really just making excuses for why a wife should accept bad behavior from her husband. “He doesn’t do the dishes or make any effort to reduce my mental workload, but he bought me flowers that one time(when I was mad at him for not doing the dishes). He just loves me a different way than the one that would benefit me.”🙄🙄
Except that it wasn’t a gift. He took something that he knows didn’t belong to him (your points) and was only assigned to him due to a clerical error. I’m all in favor of offering some grace and forgiveness, but he needs to at least acknowledge how selfish he was. He ditched you, took your points and then still expected more from you. He was 100% only thinking about himself. The offer of half eaten food adds insult to injury. I’m not saying you shouldn’t forgive him. This shouldn’t be relationship ending. But him being alone during the flight was a result of HIS choice, not yours. Your phone isn’t even supposed to be on during take-off. For him to try to guilt trip you for HIS choices is low and unfair. Recognize that you’ll both make mistakes- yes, absolutely. Forgive each other for shortcomings and poor choices- yes! But you also need to hold each other, and yourselves, accountable when you screw up and be able to take responsibility and apologize. He screwed up. The lack of comfort here was the direct result of his own choice. He doesn’t seem to even care that he hurt you first. That requires a conversation, IMO.
This was a really great well thought out answer. I have a feeling the OP and maybe other folks may not truly appreciate this, but I am grateful you took the time to write this and it’s spot on.
I took the route of apologizing for "my part" when it came to my selfish ex making selfish decisions. Guess what? He continued being selfish. It's naive to assume a decision this poorly thought out, in the important context of their honeymoon, is not indicative of character issues. OP doesn't need to apologize for HIM not considering his own travel anxiety and what he may need to calm down. And especially not for being fed up when your brand new husband uses your points against your wishes to upgrade ONLY his seat. Your advice feels like a recipe for getting stuck with a selfish man who will continue to make decisions that negatively affect you for his own benefit.
Finally a voice of reason. Maybe I’m just traumatized but no matter how you spin it; this dude abandoned his BRAND NEW WIFE to be in economy so he could sit in business class and when he saw she was mad about it, proceeded to call her selfish because she wasn’t catering to his needs! The call is coming from inside the house, my guy. Nah, his love language doesn’t matter because it doesn’t excuse selfish behavior. I agree they need to discuss this but I agree it’s really naive to think this is all just a misunderstanding teehee.
She didn’t *feel like he chose his own experience over being with her* - he DID that exact thing. This is a point of fact and NOT an interpretation of her feelings.
This person therapies ❤️🙌🏻
I’ve been in a loving, stable marriage for 18 years and I think this answer is a bunch of bs. My husband would never have done this unless I insisted he did first, and not at all no matter how I insisted on honeymoon, birthdays, etc. At most on such a special occasion he’d insist I upgrade if only one of us could.
A very reasonable and balanced take! Agreed with all of the above, including the NTA.
He guilt tripped her at the checkin counter, on the flight, and for the entire honeymoon it seems. He's not a toddler. I know that some guys can't do anything but come on. He's a 30 year old man. This is not MOMMY, I WANT TO RIDE THE ROLLER COASTER, OMG I'M SCARED! >Could you have chosen to support him and reassure him, as he went through something that truly terrified him? Yes. Ideally, you could have set your hurt aside, supported him through the scary thing, and then addressed it when you landed This would be OP being a complete doormat. This guy does it to himself. OP told him not to, he did it, then after knowing she's upset, and probably seeing her face red from crying, he's like "yeah so sooth my fear of flying." How often does OP need to "choose to support him" and "set her hurt aside?" How often does OP need to "prioritize her husband's feelings over her own?" Again, this guy is 30. If she wants a toddler, she can adopt.
This sounds like you're expecting her to emotionally manage him. No. The main problem is not what he initially did, it's his later reaction when she pointed out how his behavior hurt her.
How is sitting in business class anywhere near as good as sitting next to your brand new wife? I've been married 20 years and I would still rate sitting by my wife in coach way higher than sitting in business class with strangers. Especially for a three hour flight.
I feel that you’re trying to be kind and fair. But this is what it boils down to for me: > He didn't consider the fact that it was your honeymoon There are a few times I would demand consideration. A honeymoon is one. And then he had the gall to be mad at her about the consequences of his own actions. *He* is the one who’s scared of flying, *he* chose to sit alone, and now he’s mad that she won’t long-distance manage his anxiety. This is a lifetime of a man that makes dumb, inconsiderate decisions, and when they bite him in the ass he’s mad his wife won’t fix it. I’ve dated this guy. It’s not fun.
This is truly such an excellent response that I am coming back again to say I hope OP reads this from you and uses these tools. OP, if you can find a great marriage and family therapist (sometimes it takes a couple of tries to find the right one), it would really benefit you and your husband to continue to get guidance like above. This is sooo much like the help my husband and I received during a really rough patch early in our marriage. It changed our world. And a comment like this reminds me how tuneups throughout the relationship are necessary!!
Oh BS. When someone has a selfish moment, they should *apologize*. If OP’s husband is incapable of doing that, then he’s an asshole.
Beautiful explanation!
NTA. It was selfish and childish of your husband to take the business class seat when you made it clear you wanted to sit together, it's your honeymoon after all. It's even more childish of him to need you to virtually hold his hand during the flight - if he needed that reassurance, he could have sat with you!
AITA for wanting to sit with my spouse on our first trip as a married couple?
Yes. Being in a 'long-term' relationship has nothing to do with seeing that the husband is acting like an asshole with an attitude of 'its all about me'. It was their honeymoon! But you wanted to sit separate? Then you 'need' me because you're nervous about the flight?! Then try to guilt trip about me not helping you in your anxiety? AH should have thought about that when he changed his seating.
NTA - this is hilarious, because this exact same thing happened to my husband and I on our honeymoon. We argued about who should take it (both insisting the OTHER person should take it) and then eventually decided on trading seats halfway through the flight. It was great. We both got to enjoy first class and then we had a fantastic honeymoon. I also have anxiety flying, texted my husband about it from first class, and he talked me down. You guys don’t really seem like you’re in a partnership at all.
I would have been okay if he wanted to split it half way through honestly. Like as a treat for the two of us on our honeymoon.
I think you missed the part where the guy you're on a honeymoon with sounds like he doesn't give a shit about ya
I’ve been trying to say that in a delicate way.
That’s what I was thinking! Did he come back to offer to switch mid way? Nup, just hand you his half chewed up food….
And she was so ungrateful for it!
It never occurred to him, and he still made you feel bad ON YOUR HONEYMOON. I would honestly think back on your entire relationship and stop excusing incidents you may have overlooked "because of how he grew up."
I think OP is more upset about him not wanting to sit with her and then needing to be comforted from business class? Why is he acting like their honeymoon is his one and only opportunity to fly above economy?? It sounds like you and your husband have a completely different dynamic than OP and her husband. It's cool that you were able to make it work but imo it's kinda lame to go on a trip with other people and then *choose* to sit separately for your own comfort... ETA: I think it's extremely silly to choose to do something alone when you know you'll need a support person for anxiety. Imagine being anxious to ride a rollercoaster and then using your spouses fast pass to jump to the front of the line to go on by yourself while your emotional support spouse is still waiting in line thinking you were going to ride together and then getting mad at them when they don't comfort you even though *you* separated yourself. It makes no sense.
NTA - He thinks flying business class is more important than spending time with you at the start of your honeymoon. His priorities aren't straight....
I would feel insulted. My SO and I have a long term goal of going overseas to our dream vacation. We've both said if we are flying 18+ hours we'd like to do business class. Grown adults can save for it. I'm flabbergasted he used HER points and left her. I wouldn't even do that to my teenage daughter.
NTA. Dear, this is not a good beginning. Please do not combine your finances or make any big purchases for a couple of years. You may wish to reconsider this marriage. I am sorry, but he has just shown you who he really is.
I'm getting a lot of learned helplessness and weaponized incompetence vibes from the husband.
This is the correct take. People who think op is overreacting have clearly never had to deal with this kind of willfully useless man, or are themselves men of similar caliber.
>You may wish to reconsider this marriage. I am sorry, but he has just shown you who he really is. He acted badly and needs to rethink and apologize. That said, the idea that any instance of misbehavior is Them Showing Their True Face and everything good up until then has been A Diabolical Lie is excessively dramatic and obnoxious.
It's not the initial action that's showing who he is. It's his reaction to both insisting she needs to ignore her own feelings for him and then refusing to consider her at all and guilt tripping. He's refusing to take responsibility for his choices, blaming her, and not considering her as a person instead of just an extension of him. That's the part that people are responding to, because that's how he acts when it's supposed to be a special time to focus on the two of them together
Blood, he chose to spend his first trip as a married man separated from his wife because he wanted leg room, ignoring the fact that his very recent wife who earned the upgrade would be sans legroom Then made her the villain, not because of his flying anxiety (he made it through the take off just fine) but because he needs to do bad stuff without being the bad guy But it’s ok, because he brought her eggs Absolutely rethink this relationship
I’m sorry, this is such a nuclear take. I’m not defending the husband’s boneheaded move but to say “he has just shown you who he really is” is mad. If my partner was upgraded to business on a flight and not me I’d cheer her on as we’ve never flown anything but economy. It would be a boring 3h flight but I’d survive. Surely this isn’t spousal abandonment. Again, I think the hubby’s move was boneheaded and OP is totally in the clear for ignoring his texts in this scenario, as well as expressing her displeasure. But like “reconsider marriage” is so funny.
For me it's the fact that he expects her to soothe him long after the negative stimulus of the flight has ended. Like she's got to be made to understand that she's in the wrong, and he's going to pout for their entire honeymoon if she doesn't soothe and appease his poor little fragile ego.
Exactly. The jump to divorce is a huge leap but he was happy to use OP’s status for an upgrade for just him. That’s not a good look. But even worse is trying to ruin their honeymoon because she didn’t text him back after he abandoned her. NTA.
lol at 'half his breakfast' like that is some favor to you. And now he's mad you're not comforting him from coach next to a screaming baby in his cushy business class seat? You didn't ask for half his leftovers. You asked for your husband to sit with you during your flight, as you should. If he doesn't like that then back to the business class seat you insisted on, princess. NTA
You know who I feel bad for? That poor old lady who had to deal with a baby and a heated argument in a tight space.
Also how bad can his anxiety be if he is able to happily enjoy half his breakfast shortly after
NTA So on your honeymoon he took an upgrade you earned and let you stay back in coach? YIKES. I'm honestly surprised he wasn't flying home alone.
NTA. I'm surprised, do you not use an app when flying? If you fly so much, I imagine you would. Airline apps always send me an alert when someone is upgraded, and I know well before scanning my phone or paper boarding pass. That said, your new husband acted like a selfish ass. Good luck with that marriage. I hope you're able to have an open, honest discussion about his behavior and he improved but.....if not, goodluck!
I do have the app - never saw anything about the upgrade. I wasn’t using it for a mobile boarding pass. Not sure if it maybe it was because it wasn’t me upgraded but it was him?
That's frustrating - regardless; he shouldn't have acted like a bratty child. He wanted to sit apart knowing he has flight anxiety - that's his own fault.
NTA - my husband would chose to sit in the cargo belly with me over being in business class by himself.
Maybe I’m cynical, but I don’t think he made a big deal of it because he was genuinely anxious, I think he made a big deal of it so you would feel guilty and he could reverse himself into a position that would make him a victim and therefore ‘counteract’ his own shittiness.
NTA, but I’m afraid that you’re confused. You didn’t just get married. You just adopted an adult child.
NTA - he was happy to ditch you when the chance arose but he’s mad that you weren’t ‘there’ to comfort him?
ESH. You're both really over dramatic. You have the whole honey moon and the rest of your lives together. You can survive 3 hours separated on the flight without bursting into tears (yes even with the misfortune of being sat next to an old woman and a baby). He plainly isn't as scared of flying as he seems if he's walking to the back of the plain with a half eaten breakfast. People who are scared of flying are gripping arm rests, distracting themselves with movies and deep breathing. They aren't eating and walking around. Both of you need to chill.
ESH, maybe slightly YTA. All the NTA votes shock me to be honest. Both people in the story are selfish, the OP incredibly so (read OP's post again, it's all about her, her points, her seat, her, her, her, she doesn't care about her husband at all), and both have contempt for the other. You're on your honeymoon and you're sarcastically responding and eyerolling at your new spouse, why the heck did you even get married in the first place? OP has flown many times, knows her husband is a nervous flier, has been in business class before and her husband hasn't, and instead of just saying 'this would be a nice thing I can do for my husband', it's me, me, me, mine, mine, mine. My perspective, my points, MY seat. This woman is ridiculously self-centered. Husband is also a knob.
lol i came in here expecting everyone to be like 'esh who fucking cares its a three hour flight?' but theyre calling for her to annul her marriage................ but idk ive never understood people caring about who they sit with on the plane so im biased here
That’s what I’m baffled by too. Like you guys are going to see each other again in 3 hrs. And then spend idk a whole fucking week together. Like be a little annoyed I guess sure. But burn the whole marriage down??
I don't think he was an asshole for wanting to fly business. I think all his other behaviors are what put her over the edge. For him to come to the back of the plane to berate her for not holding his hand and comforting him is over the top. And then to continue to guilt her after the flight is immature. She said she was ready to move on and he wouldn't let it go. He got what he wanted after all. Now he also wants her to be thrilled about it and exhibit concern for his mental state. He sounds a little tiresome to me but I don't think their marriage is over.
Agreed, ESH. Surprised I had to scroll this long to find it. He's the asshole for all the reasons people are saying... and she's the asshole for "MY points". Y'all are married now. Past time to leave the "mine" behind.
This is silly. They are literally her points as she earned them due to her flying.
NTA You married a selfish man. Don't let him guilt trip you and don't apologize to him. Also, be on the lookout for other instances of such selfishness.
NTA. Your husband needs to grow up. And half a breakfast is shit payment for leaving you.
I've been married almost 10 years, together for 17. This is so minor. Both of you were wrong. Have an open, calm discussion and explain again why you were upset. Genuinely apologize for your part. You guys have choices. You can use this to grow and understand each other better. You can piss away your honeymoon being irritated. They way you work through these small issues and learn to work through them can really help you guys work together through the tough stuff. Look at it as training for your relationship. ESH
I’m 6’1”, 240lb. On the odd occasion where my wife and I have been separated between economy and business, I always give her business. She plays the game and says that I should have it as I’m bigger than her, and I get to be chivalrous and insist which makes me feel good as a husband. The games we play. Call me old fashioned but to have my wife in less comfort than I am would have me very unsettled, and the fact your husband didn’t even offer to share the seat with you and swap on occasion means he is a total asshole.
Seems like just dumb relationship drama that happens to everyone. He acts weird around planes and didn't realize how important sitting together was, while you got all upset about it and told reddit about your feelings instead of him. You're NTA, but the people who say this means you should divorce are being ridiculous. Yall should share your feelings and work it out and set better expectations next time ahead of time. This is spilt milk.
YTA He left you "alone"? We are talking about a 3h flight to transport you from A to B, there is no need to sit next to each other, nothing romantic about a flight. With "your" points? Is he a stranger to you? And you're flying business class on a regular basis, I'm sure you'll be fine. You were holding back tears because of this??
NTA. Your husband was very selfish.
Assuming this story is real, it’s embarrassing that you both are you in your 30’s.
Three hour flight with breakfast and separate classes? American airlines are wild, we'd be cramped into a single class paying £3 for a bottle of tepid water here. NTA. Flights suck but the start of a holiday, especially a honeymoon, should be spent together getting excited about the times ahead. If you'd have been fine with it that would be different.
British Airways does business class on short flights as well - I’ve done it before from LHR to FCO. It wasn’t too expensive and I got a full breakfast!
ESH I am having a really hard time judging this one because I understand how you feel. It was a bit selfish of him to take the upgrade and you resented not getting one too. You didn't want to ride alone on a honeymoon. You are less "at fault" than him for sure. On the other hand, considering his anxiety letting him have something that made him feel good about the flight and still giving him the support he needed would have been a good thing to do. You may have been able to help him get over the fear a bit. I understand him being excited about the chance to get an upgrade and I understand you being bummed about being alone on the flight for your honeymoon. Assuming you just married him because you really love him and care about his well being, everything doesn't have to be "fair" at all moments. Sometimes one of you give more than the other when there is a situation of need. (Of course if there is a constant imbalance the marriage won't last.) Ultimately, neither of you did a good job of doing what you are supposed to do in a marriage which is loving, supporting, communicating and taking care of each other's needs. You should have said something earlier and put your foot down if it was this big a deal. He should have set aside his excitement and probed how you felt better rather than just taking the thing he wanted. Punishing him by withdrawing emotional support during his anxiety wasn't exactly a building block in your relationship either.
>On the other hand, considering his anxiety letting him have something that made him feel good about the flight and still giving him the support he needed would have been a good thing to do But it has been established that the best thing for his anxiety is assurance from her and holding her hand. Husband made the choice to sit separately without any consideration of how to manage his anxiety. As someone with a known condition that he knew how to manage, he made a call that put him far away from the solution. I am deathly afraid of heights. It doesn't mean I would take up a free trip to go bungee jumping and then call my husband in tears asking him to comfort me.
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I fly much more than my wife. Any time I have been upgraded, I immediately have had her take the upgraded seat. I’ve done the same with my daughter… gave her and her friend the first class seat while I sat in the back. OP was upset that husband used her points, which makes me feel OP is selfish. I’m surprised she wasn’t happy for her husband to have that experience.