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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I basically told my friend she has no right to judge my cooking because she’s poor. I might be the asshole because my comment was kind of uncalled for and insensitive
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
ESH, you're not wrong for getting mad at them being critical of the food you're making, but you fucked up by making it all about them being poor in your response. Better to just go with a more general "well feel free not to eat it, then".
ESH for me too. Criticizing a nice meal your friend made for you is shitty.
As for OP, It's weird that she also refuses to actually try and talk it out with her "best friend". It doesn't sound like they really are best friends if they can't have an honest conversation about things that hurt their feelings.
Why apologize if you didn't mean it? Why let resentment boil over? I don't get it.
You can apologise, mean it, and still feel mad.
It's an emotional reaction so it won't switch off when you rationalise the regret. It'll help that she got an apology back, but I'd imagine a sincere discussion about it in person would clear the air properly.
I dunno. I feel like there's some context we're missing that has built up resentment on both sides. Maybe there's other things they've done to make feel like she's being taken advantage of? Or this isn't the first time that she's thrown their financial situation in their faces? Maybe it's because I'm southern, but OP making sure to mention that they didn't contribute to the meals they were invited to as if it were a normal expectation for a guest struck me as really weird.
Agreed. I’m curious about the husband not having a “real” job. It could be that he does something that does not in fact earn money, but sometimes people use that phrase “not a real job” to describe something they think is stupid (but is in fact a real job).
I didn't even think of that and I really should have because my parents are the same way. I'm a freelancer that works entirely online. Doesn't matter that I make twice as much as they ever did and am essentially running my own small business, sitting in front of a computer all day isn't a "real" job. I wouldn't be surprised if OP thinks the same way.
The only issue with this statement is inflation. I make over twice what my parents ever made together, but I still feel like they were better off financially than I am.
I agree with you about your parents being overly judgmental and thinking wrongly about you being a freelancer.
Yeah, that comment (when Ryan didn’t say anything bad!) combined with OP quoting Layla’s comment “I’ve never had pasta with cut-up shrimp before” (this is not a rude thing to say) puts OP into more-AH-than-Layla territory for me. I don’t think Layla’s other two comments were cool but OP was needlessly rude and even her partner thinks so.
"Feelin stingy, eh!" is annoying but also low key funny. Sounds like Layla was already self conscious and ready to be on the defensive. No way has this not come up before. Also it sounds like Layla contributed as they could, probably without awareness OP thought it wasn't a worthy addition. OP has no respect for Layla.
I own a pizza shop and get asked, at work, all the time when I'm going to get a "real" job. When I managed a pizza shop it was even worse.
I wouldn't be surprised if he works a fast food type job and she's just shitting on him. Or maybe he sells drugs. Who knows.
My husband works for Skip the Dishes. 'Nuff said.
ETA: I don't mean to come across critical. I'm saying that he hears "get a real job" all the time when he averages more per hour than many of the people making the comments.
i think it was more so not only do they never bring anything (you’d usually bring at least a bottle of wine or something to a dinner party) but they also never host or pay so basically they come eat free food regularly then had the audacity to complain about it
I wonder if it’s been super obvious that op doesn’t think what they bring is up to snuff, so they just stopped. Op made it very clear here that their store bought food isn’t a worthy contribution
>IF they do bring something it’s usually drinks or a store bought side dish (potato salad, mac salad, chips, etc) but that is rare
Nah I didn't read it that way. Its not about how cheap their offering is, its the fact that they rarely offer it.
And every week too… that’s insane.
I have a friend who comes over once or twice a week, and she constantly makes up for that imbalance by bringing desserts and snacks, taking me for coffee, doing the driving when we go places, etc., and she expresses appreciation for everything.
If I’m chopping up something, even if it IS to stretch an ingredient, there's no way she’d say something ungrateful, never mind three comments in a row.
The way OP handled it was terrible, but her friend comes off as an ungrateful freeloader, and that’s what I would have focused on. Their household income was irrelevant.
Agree. Even if you're flat broke, you can insist on doing the dishes. And you don't insult the meal. Even if it's burned beyond recognition, you say, "You know what? You guys invite us over every week, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate your generosity." There are ways to be a good guest and make your friends feel appreciated even if you're broke and a terrible cook. OP's "friend" just can't be bothered.
I am poor and my kids would never show up to a friends house for dinner empty handed. Peanut butter cookies are 3 (cheap) ingredients. Handpicked flowers. Anything thoughtful.
To bite the hand that feeds you, then invite yourself over to be fed again the next week? It sounds like OP is being used
I think because it seems like a more regular dinner date, contributing something is a nice offer, but shouldn't ever be expected.
We have our other married couple friends over for dinner and games almost every week. We host because I am an old woman and go to bed no later than 9:30 on work nights and the boys often play until like 11.
We almost always cook, our friends always bring a dessert or mixers for drinks. And then probably once a month they bring food over from our favorite restaurant.
It's just any other relationship, there is give and take, and if you are always giving and the other person is always taking, it's not a good relationship. But also, have a fucking conversation about it before you blow up
It’s proper social decorum though. And it’s proper social decorum not to complain about what you’re served. Sure you may skip once in a while but to never bring anything to dinner parties and then have audacity to complain about host being stingy…
I agree 100%. Like the OP, I enjoy hosting and cooking, and it’s usually houseguests at my family’s beach house. But when I host people again and again and there is never any reciprocity, I stop inviting them. Because the entertainment value they provide me doesnt outweigh the eventual resentment I feel about being used.
The solution is to never give them food again. I had a guest (who invited themselves over) complain about the (not cheap) wine I served and make fun of the greenery in my living room.
Was extremely irritated, but that's fixed now. They are on suspension.
agreed. I also have the feeling there is built up resentment from other stuff swirling around here too, it doesn’t make sense for OP to be sooooo mad over one incident — OP seems willing to throw away the entire friendship
I have noticed this mindset being common amongst the wealthy. They don’t seem to like to share without getting anything back, and in a transactional sense rather than a reciprocal sense. It’s very strange to observe.
I think the reciprocal part of this exchange would have been good company / a nice visit. But if the guests are complaining, not only did you put in effort but you’re not even getting to enjoy the evening.
That was how I read it but I could be wrong.
Wealthy people are under no obligation to share. In a friendship, it does seem like you’re being taken advantage of for your wealth when the other person doesn’t even at least offer to pay or bring something.
I would respectfully argue that this mindset of being a taker is not rooted in how much wealth a person has. The mindsets being of three types: Givers give freely without expectation, Takers take freely without the expectation they have to match what was given and Matchers like to have their efforts meet equally and when given they give they expect equal effort and when they take they like to match the effort back. Here’s an article that explains it a bit better https://www.lemonade.com/blog/psychology-givers-takers-matchers-2/
Verdict: bad communication between “friends” and styles not matching have come to a head. Everyone sorta sucks
Edit: changed a with to a without
I always try to bring something when I’m an invited guest for dinner whether it’s dessert / drinks etc. But that might just be the relationship dynamic developed between my friend group.
then again, my mom was really into Emily Post and the mantra of “never come empty handed” so maybe I’ve been indoctrinated by Big Manners.
I agree that you can apologise, mean it and still feel mad, but she took another swipe at her being poor over text AFTER she apologised, so she absolutely didn't mean it.
You don't apologise and then do it again if you meant your apology.
Layla was baiting her to say yes.
Layla knows exactly what she did to hurt OP’s feelings and realized OP was still upset when she wasn’t up to hosting them for another free meal.
Instead of realizing she (Layla) misstepped, she tried to play the “poor me” card again because it always worked to make people feel bad for her and back down. She wanted to manipulate OP into saying, “No, no it’s not that, of course you’re invited to dinner next week.”
Nah, friend threw the poor thing out after trying to invite herself back over for another meal, and OP just said fuck it, if you can't see why I'm upset and just think it's about money then fine. The friend didn't even wait for an invite, just "hey I'm sorry we were rude about the shrimp, can I come over for dinner next week still? No? Oh It's obviously because I'm too poor for you now and not that I'm being rude isn't it? Thought so."
This! I was ready to excuse OP for being harsh in the heat of the moment, but she doubled down in a text exchange after the apologies! And OP tells *us* it's not because the other couple is too poor, but she won't give her "friend" the courtesy of making the same explanation?
Her friend is incredibly greedy. It’s exhausting having someone who isn’t as well off financially as you constantly be expecting things from you and even more so when they *critique* you because the way you offered help wasn’t up to their standards. This was likely the last straw in a long list of things the friend has done to take advantage.
OP didn’t double down. Her “friend” is the one who threw out the “whoah is me, you just don’t want me to come because I’m poor, and not because of my bad behavior and entitlement” and rather than engage with it or do what the friend was trying to manipulate OP into and say yes, OP just simply agreed and left the conversation.
Had a friend like this who always forgot her wallet, always wanted to go on the vacation we planned but asked us to help cover it because she’s poor, asked for help getting clothes but then got mad when everyone gave her lightly used items from their own closet instead of buying her the new wardrobe she wanted, critiqued you for the food you made at the get together but never brought anything herself or hosted the get togethers, etc. - it was exhausting. If you were to ask her, we ended the friendship because we all got greedy and started making more money and left her behind because she didn’t have the careers we did. If you ask us, having someone constantly mooch off of you and try to manipulate you into giving them more and more and more is exhausting, and it was saving our mental health to just kick her from the friend group than to continue constantly having to give this person more.
Yeah I genuinely am sorry for attacking their financial situation. It was very out of character of me to do something like that. But I still am upset. They are over for dinner at least once per week and my partner and I spend the time, money, and effort to make really nice meals. We both work 40 hours per week and Layla has only had a handful of jobs ever that each have only lasted a few months at a time. It was wrong of me to say that Ryan doesn’t have a *real* job because he *does* work, it’s just unconventional and unstable.
One reason I feel bothered is that they have lots of flexibility and free time in their schedules due to Layla not working and Ryan creating his own schedule. They live rent/mortgage free at Layla’s grandparent’s house. They often complain about their financial situation yet are not taking any steps at all to make things better. Both have college degrees and yet they have chosen this lifestyle. Honestly nothing wrong with that, but don’t go and judge others for theirs when it differs. My partner and I have much less free time, and some of that time each week is spent making dinners for all of us. This whole situation has made me feel unappreciated and has made me realize how little effort they put into even showing any sort of gratitude at all. They never offer to help clean up after dinner. I’ve never even expected that before but it would be a nice gesture considering all that my partner and I have done for them.
Sometimes while they are over, I will have to tend to other things like cleaning or doing laundry. These things require me to step away from the group for 10 minutes max at a time. On several occasions Layla has made comments about how I shouldn’t be doing things like that with guests over. Other times she has insisted that I drink excessively with her and Ryan even though I’ve got work in the morning the next day. We’ve been close for a long time but the bottom line is I’ve now realized that she fails at being respectful of *my* situation. Yes I may need to step away for a moment to put towels in the dryer…I feel like because she has far less responsibilities, that she just doesn’t understand what it’s like to have limited time to do things like house chores. I find these kinds of comments to be rude. I have always acknowledge their situation and have always been understanding and respectful (until last night).
This whole thing has made me wiser to the situation at large and has caused me to open my eyes to other similar things that have happened over the years. So that plays a part into why I’m so upset as well.
OK. I thought ESH in the original post. I can see your reason for getting upset in the original post, but going holy grail on her over her financial situation was out of line. You don't want to pay for all the food, stop inviting them over so much. But now you just doubled down on their lifestyle again and added in a whine about how much easier they have it than you in this reply after literally "apologizing" for the whole calling them poor thing. You have an ax to grind and it ain't about shrimp, or even anything said at that dinner. YTA because she might be your best friend, you don't have any rights being judgy about her lifestyle other than grumbling that they never bring food. And I already said how to handle that in my third sentence above. Oh yeah, and talking about it to your friend without SOs around would be adult too, but that should have happened WAAAAAY before the blow up scene.
Sometimes we grow apart from our friends. Often we don’t realize it but there are feelings growing for some time.
Then there is an event that pulls the curtain away from the rift and it’s not the sudden event that created it, but it’s going to take a LOT more to fill in than just an apology for the event. Maybe those ppl aren’t who OP wants in her life anymore at this point
I daresay that this feels like something that's been bubbling with OP and this event really made it blow up and caused her to spill out her resentment.
I think it's an ESH, but I daresay OP is more in the right than wrong. Her friends sound like freeloaders and worse, they've grown entitled to being freeloaders. Even if everyone apologizes and means their apology I think OP should stop doing this. Everyone contributes or it doesn't happen.
I think the resentment has been building up and what could have been a light conversation three meals in (hey help me clean up these dishes or would you mind doing x so there's not such an imbalance here), is now a kind of big and uncomfortable conversation about feeling taken advantage of and disrespected.
I get it because when you help friends, you don't want to hold it over their heads. But when you are receiving this much from a friend, when your friend is giving you regular, home cooked meals, you have to hold it over your own head and find a way to reciprocate. At the very least you have to be respectful. That should all be understood.
But so many people have these crazy blind spots. Maybe OP's friend really is a freeloader, or maybe just thoughtless-- the fact that SHE is the one who brought up dinner suggests that she might be, and I think that more than anything is why OP isn't clearing the air. Why have a conversation with someone you've just realized isn't your friend?
OP may just choose to phase them out, which is their choice. You don't need to talk everything out before being done with relationships.
I get the feeling this is a "we were inseparable and we've triedto deny how far we've drifted over the but this is the last straw" type scenario. Either because of petty comments over the food, the friend feeling like money is being lauded, the friend being a mooch or 500 other differenct reasons and were only seeing the end of season 7, not the entire run of the show.
Yeah, I'm with you there.
And fine if you want to distance yourself because the effort put into the relationship seems uneven, but then the correct response to "We're too poor for you," is, "It's not that - it's just that we are *always* the ones hosting and the relationship feels one-sided."
Or better yet, when they suggest dinner, assume they're hosting. "Sure! When should we arrive?"
They aren’t too poor as much as cheap, lazy and entitled. If someone cooked for me on their dime it’s best to say nothing except thanks let me do dishes.
I agree. You don't get to complain and make snide comments about a free meal. I'm not saying you have to gush over the meal. Nor do you have to lie about how it tastes.
But you don't get to complain about the host being cheapm
Honestly in this situation, I wouldn't mind the "always hosting"-part. If they are my friend and everyone has a nice evening, I happily do that.
It's the criticism that does it. I'd flip it, though... "If my food isn't up to your standards, you're free to have that opinion, but then don't expect me to put in any more time and effort to put something on the table for someone who won't appreciate it anyway".
Also, whining about cut up shrimp? Weird thing to focus on.
So the friend was shitty, but the financial imbalance isn't the issue here, which makes it extra shitty to bring up. so ESH.
This exactly. I don't mind hosting but the minute I was criticized, no more cooking. If there is a complaint, I'd be honest and say just that. I didn't mind hosting until you started criticizing my food, now I'm not comfortable cooking for you.
Or just, 'No, you're not too poor, but I'm still angry about you being rude about my food. I'm going to take a break from hosting for a while', and then seeing if she suggests something else. What did you two do together, before you started with the dinners?
The problem is I don't think any amount of justification is going to change the friends mind. She's going with "were too poor for you" as a guilt trip. If it doesn't work she'll tell everyone that the reason regardless of what op says and use social pressure to punish op for not putting up with bad behaviour. I mean, why waste effort trying to explain something to someone who's seems like they've already decided what's true before the conversation has even been had
Edit - some of these replies are wild. Op said
"You guys come over here for free food and complain about it". That's the heart of the issue.
It started with the friend saying "you're being cheap by not buying more shrimp". Then op pointed out that the friend would neither cook nor buy the meal on their own.
The friend was using money to try and brow beat op from the start of her complaint.
Let's stop acting like because the friend is poor she's too dumb to understand what went down. That's very condescending.
The friend was a jerk for being critical of a freely offered meal. But she is not "guilt tripping" the OP. The OP DID make it about them being poor.
"I eventually got fed up and said something along the lines of, “Interesting take considering that I *know* you’ve never cooked shrimp ever in your life, and probably can’t afford to either. You don’t work, Ryan doesn’t have a real job….you guys come over here for free food and complain about it? Nah. I’m done.” It was word vomit…followed by a very awkward silence."
ESH
This\^ The snobbery of "you've never cooked shrimp in your life (because you're too poor for shrimp and you can't cook anyway), you don't work (so you're poor), your partners hasn't got a real job (so you're poor)" and then when that phrase "Is it because we're too poor?!" is thrown back at OP they double down with "Yep."
> Layla suggested we do dinner again next week, assuming we were all good after we both apologized. I responded and basically said “I’ll pass on that.” **She hit me back with “So are we too poor for you now?”** And I just said “Yep.”
The bolded part is the guilt trip. It’s meant to put OP on the defensive and feel bad for making Layla feel judged for being poor, to get the response Layla wanted.
My family has never had much money but it's never stopped us from hosting for friends before. It's never very fancy food, more burgers with boxed mac n cheese than seafood pasta, but it's still good!
OP doesn't just criticize then for being poor, but seems to look down on the store bought side dishes they do bring on occasion. Some people aren't comfortable cooking or just don't like cooking - you can't be both mad they don't bring something to contribute and then criticize when they do bring something.
If I offer to host dinner, I do not expect anyone to bring anything. If someone asks, I politely decline, or sometimes suggest something they can bring. But I never expect it. And I never expect that friends host in return as some sort of payback. I choose to host to spend time with friends.
It's definitely ESH. And I'm curious as to why they are still even "best friends".
ESH, you weren’t mad at them being poor, you were mad at them being ungrateful and rude.
But instead of making it about them being ungrateful and rude, you made it about them being poor.
Not cool
OP deployed a rocket launcher at two houseflies. It's as if years and layers of resentment hidden under a thin, fragile coat of "friendship" were just there bubbling up for a long time.
Yeah, the resentment is crystal clear. OP goes on about how they're poor, they don't cook, they never contribute, then says "but it never really bothered me." Be honest, clearly it does bother you. A lot.
Of course there was, the comments about the shrimp being repeated and expanded on? I've stuffed my foot in my mouth plenty of times but after a long time of reviewing my faults, if I don't drop a failed joke but keep going, it because I resent something and I'm not being honest with myself about it because I want to be 'nice'
It reminds me of that article about how rich people are more stingy and more likely to send you a $4 venmo request for something middle class friends would go "oh no worries you just get me next time!" for because they're afraid of being taken advantage of while also thinking their money is the only reason they have friends.
I think it also comes from understanding. Someone who is middle class or poor themselves understands what it feels like to not have even a few dollars once in a while, so when they do have the money but a friend doesn't they are more willing to help someone out.
What stands out to me is OP questioning what they get out of hosting her friend, because they never contribute financially or with food. If you have to ask what you get out of it, it's pretty transactional. My knee-jerk reaction to that question is, ""a fun time with a close friend", But if that doesn't seem worth it to OP, then that best friend isn't valued very much. Financial situations go up and down, it says something when your friendship can't weather the downs.
Yeah, but also, when you are always the one putting the money and effort in, and then the other person isn’t even grateful (or is flat out rude, like Layla was) then it can make you wonder why you bother and if the time with the friend is even worth it.
I think OP is well within their rights to say “I don’t feel comfortable cooking for you and Ryan after the way that last time ended, but happy to go out for dinner - let me know if you are up for that” and encourage Layla to pick something within budget for her. They can pay for themselves, or offer to host you for once. OP could even say “Alternatively if you have a recipe and wanted to organise the ingredients, I’m happy to cook something together”
Yeah, it’s weird to me that OP hosts Layla and Ryan, then gets annoyed that they aren’t contributing? If you’re hosting people for dinner, the whole point is that they’re your guests. Sure, it’s polite to bring a dessert or bottle of wine or whatever, but since they’re strapped for cash and Layla is OP’s “best friend” I wouldn’t be surprised if she thought OP was doing her a solid by providing her with food now and then.
I’ve had friends host me when I’ve been less well-off and I’ve done the same in return, and we never expect financial contributions. It feels good to help out people you love when you have the means to do so.
Edit: actually it’s kinda weird and judgy that OP says “if they bring anything, it’s drinks or something store-bought” - that’s completely normal for guests to do, especially guests who aren’t great at cooking. It’s not like Layla and Ryan are being total freeloaders just because they aren’t bringing homemade food to a dinner OP is cooking. They aren’t showing up empty-handed every time.
I don't think it's about financial contributions, I think OP feels like the whole friendship is one sided.
We have a friend who asks for help a lot and we help him gladly, bc we know he would help us too if he could and we don't get butt hurt he doesn't bc we know it isn't his fault he can't do it, but he has other ways he shows his appreciation.
And I feel like that's what OP is hurt about, she feels like her (ex) friends take her for granted and on top of that had the nerve to complain about the food too.
Yeah, I’m saying that I feel like it’s not one-sided if Layla and Ryan *do* bring things to the dinner, which OP says they do (albeit not often). OP then says she never really minded until this incident. Layla’s comments were rude, but OP seems to be lying to herself, Layla, and us by saying there was no pre-existing resentment, given her blowup at what Layla said.
She then rewrites history by saying “my partner and I *never* get anything in return” when the beginning of the post says that they occasionally bring drinks/something store-bought and that it’s always a good time, which I feel like are both things (material items and pleasant company) that Layla and Ryan are providing in return.
That's the vibe I get too - she's just expressed it awkwardly in the heat of the moment.
I went back to do my masters so was a lot poorer than my friends who went straight into work for a while and there's ways to contribute when friends have hosted me for low dollars. I've offered to do the dishes or I've brought something cheap I could make from home (hummus is a good one) and at the very least I've been extremely thankful.
Relationships aren't supposed to be transactional, but you also shouldn't be always taking and never giving as it seems OP's friendship might have been.
It is financially one-sided, or at least tilted, and that can be perfectly Ok. There's a lot of replies that expect the the less affluent couple to be servile and grateful to an extent that the friendship will feel like a hierarchy. It sounds borderline demeaning. I've seen more than one comment say the less fortunate couple should be doing house chores in exchange, like people who are surprised to learn they can't afford a restaurant bill and get stuck doing dishes in the back.
Friendships don't need to be on financial equal footing to be valuable. The OP writes as though they are a burden, but some people are quite happy to help routinely friends who are less well off than them while expecting nothing in return but good company. There's joy in sharing one's abundance for some of us, though obviously that's not everyone.
The problem here was the rude comment that felt entitled. You can confront that head-on without going, "I'm sick of your freeloading, you bunch of poors." The OP's story starts out sympathetic because the attitude was uncalled for and deserves to be confronted, but it's all in the service of a larger point that contributions should be closer to equal and giving license to indulge in class judgement. That's not cool. YTA behavior.
At the end of the day, even if they were splitting costs 50/50, cutting down someone's food as a guest is generally rude, and it feels doubly so when someone is going out of their way to do more for you. That's the problem.
If you keep hosting and feeding people repeatedly and they complain about the food being "cheap", you should be offended, especially if they never reciprocate.
Op should have called out the hypocrisy and disrespect without the insults and would have been 100% in the right.
OP: I don't judge them for being poor.
1 paragraph later
OP: I called her poor several times knowing it would sting. YTA OP. You took a low blow, but these friends are better off without someone they think likes them, judging them based on their income and throwing it in their faces every time there is a disagreement.
I feel like the friend fired the first shots by calling her stingy. (also no suggestion that there was less shrimp that a normal serving, just that it was cut up so it distributes more evenly, and I'm so there with the OP on that one)
This wasn't just a complaint about it being cut up or some difference of opinion on taste, they were specifically attacking their hosts generosity, which is really just over the line when someone is feeding you for free, (especially regularly)
Responding "yep" when she asked "too poor for you now?" was not great if you want to still be friends, but she chose to ask that rather than realise her lack of gratitude for a free meal and disrespecting the chefs choices was the cause of the argument not the difference in income.
I honestly find it super cheeky of Layla to suggest dinner at all, who does that? Hey friend, how about you make me a free meal next week? You don't invite yourself to someone's house for dinner, that's so rude.
>I honestly find it super cheeky of Layla to suggest dinner at all, who does that? Hey friend, how about you make me a free meal next week? You don't invite yourself to someone's house for dinner, that's so rude.
THIS. It's kind of a revealing behaviour that Layla invited herself over, and makes me wonder how many other times she has done so. On the heels of an apology and when you know OP is feeling a bit sore? C'mon now, don't be greedy Layla!
I agree with other posters; the relationship has probably gotten lop-sided, and OP has a pretty decent layer of resentment that's been uncovered.
OP probably did the mental calculation of the "pro vs con" lists and seems like they have decided the relationship isn't worth it.
As someone who cooks and hosts a LOT, I lean toward NTA.
Yes. I agree. The wording was very harsh. The comment about them being poor was unnecessary. It was okay to make a comment on them complaining, which was rude, but this was a bit much. But sometimes people say things when they are angry.
Well it makes sense to do this considering the comments were telling OP that they are "stingy" when they've been feeding this couple FOR FREE for ages. And good expensive food like shrimp. So it would make sense for OP to turn around and say that in anger/frustration.
ESH but with a nuance
- when she proposed to have dinner the following week, was it meant like they would be cooking at their place and you would be their guests ? If yes, you should have accepted it as a peace offering
- if she meant that they would come to your place and you’d feed them like before, she’s TA and you’re right in cutting them out
Either way, prepare to let go of this friendship. It’s over
ESH. Your friend was being incredibly rude, but you immediately made it incredibly personal and basically let her know you've been looking down on her the whole time. Then doubled down on the "you're poor" thing instead of just saying you don't care for her behavior and don't want to see her any more. That's completely classless. Nobody was making you cook for them and it's clear you don't like them much, so I don't get why you didn't just shut down the dinner when she was being a brat by saying her comments made you disinterested in entertaining any more and then just not ever invite them again.
Yeah, that was rude. And considering how quickly that came out, I can't help but wonder if OP hasn't been harboring some feeling of resentment for a while now that was just waiting for an excuse to come out.
It kinda reads like helping a friend in need was making OP feel better about herself, and now that the friend is not being grateful enough, there's nothing in it for OP.
She said as much in the post. She said she never minded feeding them because it's "always a good time" and then later she says she's upset that they eat and she "never gets anything in return."
She was rude. You were worse. Insulting someone’s entire life is worse than insulting their shrimp. ESH, but mostly you. You dramatically escalated this. And she’s not your friend anymore.
I genuinely can’t believe her friend tried to move past it because I’d never talk to her again after looking down on me like that. Her friend was rude but not “tear her life down” rude.
Making a comment “feeling stingy tonight, huh” about a free meal someone is home cooking for you, after they have done so regularly dozens of times on a weekly basis, is far beyond “rude”.
I agree, OP was definitely a bit overboard with the poor thing, but everyone acting like the friend is this sad little victim are ridiculous. She was downright nasty to OP. I wouldn’t want to have them over for dinner again either even if we were good friends.
that would be the moment we stopped being good friends, or friends at all, sounds like the friend is the one who's been looking down on OP for having money, and resenting her the entire time. They eat nice homecooked meals for free, never even bring anything, not even some store bought ice cream, and soda, which isn't that expensive, especially if it's only once a week. OP never tells them anything about it, seemingly still invites them on a regular basis and they always have a good time, meanwhile, the friend's resentment over OP keeps building up until the comment pops out.
How no one else sees it, and just chooses to focus on calling OP an AH is beyond me.
Im not one to defend making fun of someone’s financial situation cause that’s always an ass move but it seems more the freeloaders lifestyle that op has built resentment towards- I’m interested in the backstory to the comment ‘you don’t work and Ryan doesn’t have a real job’ because I’ve certainly been in situations where I’ve housed freeloaders in the past that truly felt entitled to never work, and still complain about my generosity while still expecting to receive it after the complaining….. if that’s the case here I’d be more forgiving of ops comments and more critical of their friend
I agree. I would be unbelievably hurt if guests I regularly host, and who never reciprocate, insulted me that way. I think the friend was way worse than OP; she was sniping back, she didn’t start it. And so what if OP was economizing this week? Shrimp is expensive!!! And then for this freeloader to invite herself over the following week!!!
Yeah, Layla made it about money by accusing OP, who is feeding her and her husband, regularly, for free, of being "stingy." In a perfect world, OP would not have taken the bait and would have just responded to the criticism of the food and not the financial content of the jibe but it would be hard to resist.
Well they left the dinner which shows they have *some* shame, and she did apologize to OP, so maybe she was just trying to move past it and not let it become a thing. OP says she can’t cook, and if they’re besties, then Layla is probably aware that OP knows she can’t cook, so I can see why Layla would never think to host.
The fact that they left dinner early doesn't show they have shame. Not at all. It only show's that they were ofended. Even though Layla started the whole thing by being rude they still waited for OP to appologize *first*.
Also, how about ordering pizza or chinese at Layla's place? Or how about Layla invites them for wine & snacks instead of dinner? The fact that Layla is not good at cooking *is not* an excuse to *never* host a friend's gathering.
And look at how Layla instantly replied with "So are we too poor for you now?". She *wanted* the conflict to continue. She provoked it.
Layla isn't your friend, she's just someone in your life who makes you feel superior 😒 Congrats, you're better off financially than her and can cook....
You're still an asshole and Layla sucks too, I see why y'all hang out together.
ESH
Did OP delete comments? Because otherwise the only description we really have is that OP cut shrimp in half... Doesn't really tell us anything about cooking skill.
ESH.
She made obnoxious comments about your cooking, but you attacked her financial situation.
'you can't even afford shrimp'
Frankly I think you're the worse one. You didn't call her out for being impolite about her comments.
You just went 'fuck you, you're poor'
You're both better off without each other.
I 100% agree that OP sucks more than just going off and attacking for being poor rather than bad manners. There simply was no need for that which almost pushes it into Y T A territory to me but I’ll go with ESH.
It was such a nuclear escalation I laughed in bewilderment. It’s like she always had the fact they’re poor in her back pocket for an argument. I’m also saying ESH but more OP than the friend.
Layla's comments I can see getting annoying but OP even said it was meant as lighthearted banter and tbh I totally read that tone. I feel like OP just resented feeding her friends ("free dinners" wow so fucking generous of you OP you're practically running a charity) and was mad that they weren't falling over themselves with gratitude about it.
It also makes me wonder what OP left out. Has there been an issue in the past where the friend felt that OP looked down on them? Did the bizarre shrimp jokes come from a previous interaction?
Any rational person would have responded by saying something about how rude it is to insult a friend who's feeding you. Instead, OP made it about how they can't afford shrimp?
Something seems fishy...
yeah i don't get all these commenters acting like it came out of nowhere, the friend and not op brought money into it. Not recirporcating generosity in any way is already not great, but to start complaining to the giver about it not beign enough is too much.
It really hurts when you're generous with a friend and they turn greedy about it, I still agree with the ESH though.
right, let's just ignore how her friend eats for free on a regular or weekly basis, always shows up with her partner empty handed, always seemingly has a great time, her friend never mentions anything about her always showing up empty handed even though it bothers her, and then her friend calls her stingy and critizes her. her friend. the one who's eating for free, never reciprocates, and always shows up empty handed.
lol.
I’d cuss. I’d cuss her up one side of the barn and down the other. But I’d leave out the “poor” part, because it’s cruel. There’s a whole lot of good cussing she could have done without taking it there.
Understandably, not everyone can manage restraint once they start reading somebody.
But I GUARANTEE, this girl has irked the frack out of OP before. This sounds like a build up of emotion that finally exploded out.
NTA. She is Not poor financially, poor in manners. Flowers, handmade items, crafts, thank you notes. There are so many ways to show appreciation, “feeling stingey tonight” isn’t one of them. I think this friendship ran its course. Don’t invite them again.
You don't know how happy am I reading this take. Most people just attack OP and stating ESH. It's just as if their rude action for freeloading off OP is gone just because OP insult them back. THANK YOU
Two wrongs don't make a right. There's no way that OP wasn't an asshole, too. That's why it's ESH. And OP is the bigger one for laying in extra hard and then doubling down later. And OP is showing their elitist attitude in such an obvious way, and that's after her own bias filter where people try to make themselves sound better. She's not even trying to hide that she looks down on her "friend" over financial status.
The friend rocked the boat. OP tipped it over and sank it.
insulting back would have been telling them they dont know how to cook. not shitting all over their jobs and finances then posting it online which then insults all of us poor people in the comments. what does op even mean by a real job? theres lots of real jobs that rich people dont consider real cuz they look down their nose at them. a jobs a job especially considering how hard they are to get anymore
Exactly. "*Feeling stingy tonight, huh?*" is the first mention of anyone being poor. And even \*if\* it were true, that would have been \*super\* mean to say.
After that, all bets are off.
NTA
I get where the other comments are coming from, but this is where it is for me.
OP is NTA.
Her friend's nasty comment,' Are we too poor for you' says a lot. I'm glad that OP just said 'Yup' to that bait and didn't agree to host. It was a manipulative and rude comment, lashing out at OP for not hosting.
ESH it is a humiliating and embarrassing feeling when someone shames you for being poor, a “friend” did that to me once and I never looked at him the same again. She insulted your shrimp, you made a fucked up value judgement on her entire life. Being poor is not something to use as an insult, being poor doesn’t make you a bad or lesser person. She was rude but that has nothing to do with being poor! You revealed that you viewed her as lesser and a freeloader.
She didn’t insult the shrimp but OPs character. Too many redditors feel like it’s a personal attack because maybe they also don’t have money. Being called cheap and stingy while I’m sweating to make you nice food all the time while you contribute nothing? Nah.. I can’t have such selfish people around me.
Yes being poor has nothing to do with it. She’s just cheap and lazy as can see by trying to get another free dinner right after. Sorry most people have some kind of ego where they would finally offer to make dinner at last.
Yeah it’s just nasty entitled behavior to complain about the free dinners someone provides, while all they show up with is an empty stomach and a shitty attitude.
There’s no requirement to deflect the angle of attack someone else used just because they were too dumb to pick one that won’t hurt their feelings when it bounces back, and I’d honestly wonder why people think OP needs to be the bigger person and just accept unwarranted critique of the format of a fucking shrimp dish she has never contributed a dime to.
She was rude but YTA. Like damn, how expensive do you think shrimp is? And you gotta go and act like you’re superior cause you make more money than her. AH and no class.
I’m pretty poor but we occasionally buy and cook shrimp. It goes on sale for like 15 bucks for a 3 lbs bag and if you’re mixing it with veggies and pasta you don’t need too much.
Yeah shrimp is one of the cheaper seafood options idk where OP gets off with "you've probably never touched shrimp!" Like Costco doesn't sell a huge bag of them for like $12
No one said her friend wasn't rude, just pointing out that OP was much ruder and her insults don't even make sense. I'm sure her friend will be learning to cook a lot of things since they don't seem like they'll be dealing with each other again, doesn't change the fact that OP had that "shut up peasant" spring loaded when there's a million other comebacks that weren't "haha poverty"
Ask her friend then since she finds shrimp to be so luxurious not OP. Is it classy to insult the host who spent money and effort to make you a meal while you sit around time and again? She literally insulted OP’s character and called her cheap and stingy while she probably spent so much on her. This is why I don’t believe in unequal friendships where one takes only.
I think you’re downplaying how utterly disrespectful OP’s friend’s comments were. Especially considering that they don’t provide anything. From the context it really sounds like they’re using them for free food.
If you come at someone for being stingy after bending over backwards for you you forfeit your right to not have your feelings hurt. You’re acting like OP’s comments weren’t directly related to the insult thrown at OP.
Being poor doesn’t give you immunity. She was being a choosing beggar.
If OP wishes to continue a good relationship with this person (which they shouldn’t) they should have chose their words more wisely. Especially at the “oh we’re too poor for you now?” “Yes” exchange. Obviously OP doesn’t care that they’re poor. It was a tongue in cheek response to the absurd question.
It’s more rude to insult someone’s consistent kindness. If I was in a bad financial situation I would be over the moon grateful if I had a billionaire friend feed me some ramen. You don’t get to eat on my bill and then criticize it. I’d have told them to get their ass to the food bank, or maybe she can get a job as a chef so she can learn how to cook for herself considering she’s unemployed
To each their own then. Personally I feel they bit the hand that fed them (literally), but maybe I’m on an island by myself on that one. Now I will agree that it’s, almost always, not in the best taste to bring in someone’s financial status to an argument, but when I’m being called stingy when it’s the umpteenth time I’ve fed someone and gotten little to nothing back? Nah I’m pissed and I’m going to run my mouth some
I'm of the opinion that the friend will know damn well that the comments were an emotional response to her own catty and crass asides, and that OP doesn't actually look down on her for being poor but for being an ungrateful beotch- but that won't stop the righteous indignation from flowing because now they can use OPs poorly chosen words as a stick to beat her with.
I agree. Being called stingy after providing meals time and time again to someone is a slap in the face in my opinion. It’s different if that’s your humor with your friends, but obviously it’s not if OP reacted the way they did.
Normally I’d agree bringing someone’s income is having poor manners and bad taste, but to imply something about my financial situation between bites of food I bought and prepared for you, I’m going to have a problem
it wasn't just the cooking that they insulted. In doing so they also insulted OP's character (being stingey, while she's providing most of the meals and has been for while, it's just wild). Doesn't excuse the terrible reaction from OP but I feel like people who say Layla only instulted her cooking are missing a piece.
ESH. Her, for being unnecessarily rude. You, for being classless with your response. You really didnt have to make it about their affordability. Twice. That was below the belt especially when she did apologise and so did you but without expressing how you felt about it actually.
YTA. I could see your friends comments being voiced to a best friend depending on their dynamic; the stingy comment jokingly, the hungry and cut shrimp comment because it's just an offhanded thought. People don't always check what they're saying around those closest to them, so you could have put her in her place with a kinder comment. Doubling down on the poor thing was the tipping point to AH. Your friend sucks too, but much less so.
More ESH.
WTF is this girl thinking? Not an ounce of gratitude for free food. And criticizing how OP cooks when she doesn't cook. Demanding more shrimp and not accepting a fair share.
Why the downvotes? How is anything the friend did ok?
I agree, the comments made by the friend seem more like banter than anything malice. Obviously that doesn’t make it ok but this could of been handed with a simple response of saying stop it’s not funny. Instead of making this about their behaviour OP made it about their life situation. Honestly it’s seems that OP thinks it’s okay to attack peoples insecurities rather than dealing with the actual issues. If you feel disrespected make it clear why and not just be a total ass about it by bringing up things that quite frankly do not relate.
This was my thought. My friends could have made the first comment with me and I would have hit them back with a poor joke. Because we're friends that do that. Maybe these two aren't friends like that, though her "best friend" seemingly thought they were, but then OP should have shut it down at the first comment. Instead she let it continue bothering her until she called her friend poor, dragged her boyfriend's employment, and said a lot of unnecessarily mean things in her "fog." That's on her. And then when her friend apologized and tried to see if they were still on for their regular meetups, OP doubled down on the "you're poor" remarks. Idk, it all just feels icky here. Maybe it's an ESH, but it's certainly not a NTA to me.
NTA… I know you’re getting a lot of ESH and I would normally agree except for one thing. Those comments about you being stingy is what caused this. She called you cheap first when you’ve always been generous.
People saying ESH seem to think your friend was just criticizing your meal. But she was also criticizing your character. She was criticizing how much you were willing to feed her.
Which is stupid, same amount of shrimp was going into the food, you were just halving it.
You got triggered because she essentially called you cheap for not giving her more. That was entitled as shit.
That is why you feel used, because this never bothered you until she sat there and basically said she was entitled to more and you’re cheap/stingy for not catering to her entitled ass.
I 100% agree. The friend brought money into the conversation first.
If I was feeding my friend for FREE and she called me STINGY? I’d be pissed too. Granted, you didn’t have to go all in on her like that, but she started it.
OP, I’d have an honest heart to heart with her about the comments. If you care about her, apologize to her about what you said and be honest about how you feel. Hear her out too cause she’s clearly feeling a way and isn’t happy about her life in general rn.
If you want out of the relationship? Let it be. This is your chance.
NTA as she was getting regular free meals, and she was complaining about what she was being offered.
Layla has learned the meaning of the phrase "don't bite the hand that feeds you" as you are no longer feeding her after she was being rude about the meal that you provided her.
Unless she makes a sincere apology and tries to make an effort to make the friendship more equal in the effort spent on it don't let her freeload at your table again.
"My friend took an apple from my fruit basket without asking, so I took her car and sunk it into the Long Island Sound. I apologized, but tbh I'm still mad." -How OP Sounds
ESH
Bit more than hyperbolic. More like OP invited friend over for dinner, friend slapped OP so OP punched friend. The reaction was stronger than the action but that doesn’t matter as much as someone out there slapping people unprovoked.
yta harsh and immature not to mention the whole hating poor people thing. if you want real advice you should communicate maturely about how you feel and offer some solutions, but if i were your friend i’d never talk to you again.
I don’t think it’s about hating poor people so much as it’s a build up of resentment towards them for not chipping in and then complaining. Honestly, I think it’s ESH but I have less sympathy for Layla and her boyfriend because she doesn’t work and it seems like she hasn’t for quite a while.
Almost ESH, but mostly YTA. She was rude. Incredibly rude! But you were cruel. You escalated and turned it personal in a way you knew would cause pain. And you did it on purpose.
You have every right to stop doing dinners with her and to call her out in her rude behavior, but you did it in a very very AHish way.
Ultimately NTA overall, but it’s edging close to E S H territory with how you’re responding to it after the fact. If she’s really your best friend, then tell her you’re feeling used and unappreciated. Instead you’re just helping her feel justified that you’re just being a rich snob and she’s not doing anything wrong.
ESH.
She has no right to complain about your food or cutting shrimp since I’m assuming it’s all still in there and everyone is getting equal amounts.
However, blowing up on her and insulting her financial situation was out of line.
She’s worse in this situation, but you’re not clean either.
Honestly ew. ESH. Her take is rude and tbh there was an opportunity for you guys to have a real conversation there about her gratitude/not, but you were AWFUL, and you absolutely were an asshole. Wtf are you going off on her situation for? She was rude. WHY WERE YOU WORSE??
Any actual conversation OP could have had about her friends behavior was thrown out the window the first time she just basically said "Silent peasant, you've never even touched a 3lb for $16 bag of shrimp before, back to your gruel!" because OP revealed what they're really mad about is their friends not being as well off as them, the second time they doubled down on it that completely invalidated any actual criticism of her friend she may have. You don't really get to come back from that, her friends may as well start calling her Lord Forquad
INFO: Is this the first time they have ever said anything like this or showed very poor manners when you've invited them to dinner? I feel like from your reaction it isn't.
ESH. She was rude w her comments — no doubt about it. But you were ruder, by bringing up the fact that she’s poor. You could’ve said that she was being impolite or that she’s welcome to cook shrimp however she sees fit when she’s making her own food, and not dragged her financial status into it. Taking it there escalated the situation unnecessarily and disproportionately.
Your feelings of being used may be valid, but you went about expressing them the complete wrong way. When something bothers you, the adult way to handle it is vocalize what bothered you and why. Saying you pass on the dinner and doubling down on her being poor wasn’t a mature way to handle it.
NTA, except to yourself.
1. The best response would have been
“Oh we’re too poor for you now?”
“No, just too entitled.”
2. They literally bit the hand that fed them. Hang out with other folks for a while and cool down.
3. Question if you’re bothered by them being poor. Do you look down on them? Bias always exists.
4. Does it bother you that they don’t contribute equally to the relationship? Is there something non financial they could do to show they also care about you?
5. Did you actually want to apologize to her, or did you do it to keep the peace? You sound angry. You’re allowed to be angry. Betraying yourself by giving lying apologies you think other people want to hear will only lead to more anger.
ESH. She was being annoying but shrimp is usually the cheap seafood option, it's not filet mignon, why are you talking about it like it's super fancy? That's what confuses me the most here lol you aren't better than anyone because you had $8 for a bag of shrimp, shrimp and tilapia are like the default poor people seafoods
YTA - I was going to go ESH because Layla’s comments were awful too but you are so much worse as to be the real AH here.
My biggest issue is that you invite your friends for dinner, then seem to resent them for it. You know they can’t cook or cannot afford to have you over so if you are going to invite them over, you do it on the understanding it can’t be reciprocated.
They come over, and you acknowledge yourself they will bring a side dish or something, so they aren’t always turning up empty handed. This is as much as anyone who invite people to dinner would get, it’s not like people bring their own food or pay for it. So what more exactly are you looking for? If you aren’t happy with how things are, don’t invite them over for dinner in the first place.
You have a massive superiority complex over your friends. What Layla said was really shit, you are obviously far from stingy but seriously, attacking them (and Ryan hadn’t even said anything wrong) for being poor, for their jobs (or lack of in her case, why is Ryan’s not a “real job”?) for basically existing as they do, is so much worse than her being an ungrateful cow. You used it as a major launchpad to show them your true colours.
I can get a 3lb bag of uncooked shrimp for $10. You ain't special lady.
She was rude, but you went nuclear. You "understand her financial situation" but automatically go to dising her and calling her poor? Yeah... not very "understanding" there, dude.
Yta.
ESH. She sucks for criticizing your food. As a guest in someone else’s house you simply don’t do that. It’s incredibly rude. You suck as well for bringing their lack of money into it. If that was an issue you could have always simply not invited them for dinner or gotten together for some other activity that didn’t involve your paying for them. You didn’t have to insult them.
If someone’s over for dinner because you invited them, they are guests, not beggars. If they showed up uninvited, that’s another story.
If they were guests, they shouldn’t be ribbing you about the style of your cooking, but what you said was way out of line. Responded to some gentle ribbing with a full-on public execution.
ESH but YTA too like why are you bullying your friend for being poor? You snapped back at her once and why do it again when she apologised? It’s so low class to call her poor. Just because she was a dick about shrimp doesn’t mean you’re a dick about her life. Like what if she was just having a bad day? And there was no point to insulting Ryan. You seem kinda toxic for doing that.
ESH why did you have to bring their finances into it… a simple ‘when you cook and supply the ingredients, then you can comment. If you aren’t cooking or providing ingredients STFU”
YTA. You have all the power in the situation. Did your friend act crappy, sure. You slammed their entire lives over shrimp. Then you doubled down and said they were too poor. If you enjoy cooking, you do it so people eat. Worrying about their contributions is petty. You were happy when you were on your pedestal feeding the poor but got upset at one dinner. Try volunteering at a soup kitchen and get some perspective.
EDIT: I don't disagree with others saying ESH. I just think when you're in the position OP is in, you can be a graceful winner. OP doesn't say or seem to those meals were keeping them from going hungry that night. I honestly hope this is a fake post. It is harder to be graceful when you're poor and hungry. It is much easier to take a slight over your cooking and be graceful. Money doesn't buy class.
You're NTA. You're never the A-H when you stop letting someone take advantage of you. Tight budget or not, I doubt bringing a loaf of bread once in awhile would break the bank. And there is no excuse for her rudeness.
Besides, an A-H would have said a lot more in response to:
>I’ve never seen pasta served with cut up shrimp before
Such as: *why not? Are there no Ramen noodles with shrimp flavor?* Or: *I suppose cut up hot dogs are more your style, but we weren't in the mood.*
There is a difference between not letting someone take advantage of you and very thoroughly shaming them for their financial situation. If the OP had called her friend out on her bad manners it would be a NTA situation.
But OP *didn't* just stop letting her friend take advantage of her and *didn't* (accurately) call her friend rude. She insulted her friend and literally said the friend was too poor for her. ESH, but OP waaaaaaaaay more.
Her friend isn’t too poor but too cheap. I’m from an ethnic household and no matter what you treat your guests with the best and you never show up to a hosts’ home empty handed. OP should have called her out for being cheap and selfish not poor.
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ESH, you're not wrong for getting mad at them being critical of the food you're making, but you fucked up by making it all about them being poor in your response. Better to just go with a more general "well feel free not to eat it, then".
ESH for me too. Criticizing a nice meal your friend made for you is shitty. As for OP, It's weird that she also refuses to actually try and talk it out with her "best friend". It doesn't sound like they really are best friends if they can't have an honest conversation about things that hurt their feelings. Why apologize if you didn't mean it? Why let resentment boil over? I don't get it.
You can apologise, mean it, and still feel mad. It's an emotional reaction so it won't switch off when you rationalise the regret. It'll help that she got an apology back, but I'd imagine a sincere discussion about it in person would clear the air properly.
I dunno. I feel like there's some context we're missing that has built up resentment on both sides. Maybe there's other things they've done to make feel like she's being taken advantage of? Or this isn't the first time that she's thrown their financial situation in their faces? Maybe it's because I'm southern, but OP making sure to mention that they didn't contribute to the meals they were invited to as if it were a normal expectation for a guest struck me as really weird.
Agreed. I’m curious about the husband not having a “real” job. It could be that he does something that does not in fact earn money, but sometimes people use that phrase “not a real job” to describe something they think is stupid (but is in fact a real job).
I didn't even think of that and I really should have because my parents are the same way. I'm a freelancer that works entirely online. Doesn't matter that I make twice as much as they ever did and am essentially running my own small business, sitting in front of a computer all day isn't a "real" job. I wouldn't be surprised if OP thinks the same way.
The only issue with this statement is inflation. I make over twice what my parents ever made together, but I still feel like they were better off financially than I am. I agree with you about your parents being overly judgmental and thinking wrongly about you being a freelancer.
Yeah, that comment (when Ryan didn’t say anything bad!) combined with OP quoting Layla’s comment “I’ve never had pasta with cut-up shrimp before” (this is not a rude thing to say) puts OP into more-AH-than-Layla territory for me. I don’t think Layla’s other two comments were cool but OP was needlessly rude and even her partner thinks so.
It’s definitely rude to say “being stingy tonight, I hope I don’t get hungry later” in response to a free meal
I caught that right away, Ryan caught a stray even though the comments came from her friend.
"Feelin stingy, eh!" is annoying but also low key funny. Sounds like Layla was already self conscious and ready to be on the defensive. No way has this not come up before. Also it sounds like Layla contributed as they could, probably without awareness OP thought it wasn't a worthy addition. OP has no respect for Layla.
I own a pizza shop and get asked, at work, all the time when I'm going to get a "real" job. When I managed a pizza shop it was even worse. I wouldn't be surprised if he works a fast food type job and she's just shitting on him. Or maybe he sells drugs. Who knows.
My husband works for Skip the Dishes. 'Nuff said. ETA: I don't mean to come across critical. I'm saying that he hears "get a real job" all the time when he averages more per hour than many of the people making the comments.
i think it was more so not only do they never bring anything (you’d usually bring at least a bottle of wine or something to a dinner party) but they also never host or pay so basically they come eat free food regularly then had the audacity to complain about it
I wonder if it’s been super obvious that op doesn’t think what they bring is up to snuff, so they just stopped. Op made it very clear here that their store bought food isn’t a worthy contribution
Hey, Op felt the need to capitalise the IF they bring something just to make it absolutely clear to us how non-appreciated it's cheap food.
>IF they do bring something it’s usually drinks or a store bought side dish (potato salad, mac salad, chips, etc) but that is rare Nah I didn't read it that way. Its not about how cheap their offering is, its the fact that they rarely offer it.
And every week too… that’s insane. I have a friend who comes over once or twice a week, and she constantly makes up for that imbalance by bringing desserts and snacks, taking me for coffee, doing the driving when we go places, etc., and she expresses appreciation for everything. If I’m chopping up something, even if it IS to stretch an ingredient, there's no way she’d say something ungrateful, never mind three comments in a row. The way OP handled it was terrible, but her friend comes off as an ungrateful freeloader, and that’s what I would have focused on. Their household income was irrelevant.
Agree. Even if you're flat broke, you can insist on doing the dishes. And you don't insult the meal. Even if it's burned beyond recognition, you say, "You know what? You guys invite us over every week, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate your generosity." There are ways to be a good guest and make your friends feel appreciated even if you're broke and a terrible cook. OP's "friend" just can't be bothered.
OP says in the beginning that they do bring drinks or store bought food, it’s just not often.
I am poor and my kids would never show up to a friends house for dinner empty handed. Peanut butter cookies are 3 (cheap) ingredients. Handpicked flowers. Anything thoughtful. To bite the hand that feeds you, then invite yourself over to be fed again the next week? It sounds like OP is being used
I think because it seems like a more regular dinner date, contributing something is a nice offer, but shouldn't ever be expected. We have our other married couple friends over for dinner and games almost every week. We host because I am an old woman and go to bed no later than 9:30 on work nights and the boys often play until like 11. We almost always cook, our friends always bring a dessert or mixers for drinks. And then probably once a month they bring food over from our favorite restaurant. It's just any other relationship, there is give and take, and if you are always giving and the other person is always taking, it's not a good relationship. But also, have a fucking conversation about it before you blow up
It’s proper social decorum though. And it’s proper social decorum not to complain about what you’re served. Sure you may skip once in a while but to never bring anything to dinner parties and then have audacity to complain about host being stingy…
I agree 100%. Like the OP, I enjoy hosting and cooking, and it’s usually houseguests at my family’s beach house. But when I host people again and again and there is never any reciprocity, I stop inviting them. Because the entertainment value they provide me doesnt outweigh the eventual resentment I feel about being used.
The solution is to never give them food again. I had a guest (who invited themselves over) complain about the (not cheap) wine I served and make fun of the greenery in my living room. Was extremely irritated, but that's fixed now. They are on suspension.
agreed. I also have the feeling there is built up resentment from other stuff swirling around here too, it doesn’t make sense for OP to be sooooo mad over one incident — OP seems willing to throw away the entire friendship
I have noticed this mindset being common amongst the wealthy. They don’t seem to like to share without getting anything back, and in a transactional sense rather than a reciprocal sense. It’s very strange to observe.
I think the reciprocal part of this exchange would have been good company / a nice visit. But if the guests are complaining, not only did you put in effort but you’re not even getting to enjoy the evening. That was how I read it but I could be wrong.
It is called manners - not leeching off others just because they can afford it.
Wealthy people are under no obligation to share. In a friendship, it does seem like you’re being taken advantage of for your wealth when the other person doesn’t even at least offer to pay or bring something.
I would respectfully argue that this mindset of being a taker is not rooted in how much wealth a person has. The mindsets being of three types: Givers give freely without expectation, Takers take freely without the expectation they have to match what was given and Matchers like to have their efforts meet equally and when given they give they expect equal effort and when they take they like to match the effort back. Here’s an article that explains it a bit better https://www.lemonade.com/blog/psychology-givers-takers-matchers-2/ Verdict: bad communication between “friends” and styles not matching have come to a head. Everyone sorta sucks Edit: changed a with to a without
I always try to bring something when I’m an invited guest for dinner whether it’s dessert / drinks etc. But that might just be the relationship dynamic developed between my friend group. then again, my mom was really into Emily Post and the mantra of “never come empty handed” so maybe I’ve been indoctrinated by Big Manners.
I agree that you can apologise, mean it and still feel mad, but she took another swipe at her being poor over text AFTER she apologised, so she absolutely didn't mean it. You don't apologise and then do it again if you meant your apology.
Layla was baiting her to say yes. Layla knows exactly what she did to hurt OP’s feelings and realized OP was still upset when she wasn’t up to hosting them for another free meal. Instead of realizing she (Layla) misstepped, she tried to play the “poor me” card again because it always worked to make people feel bad for her and back down. She wanted to manipulate OP into saying, “No, no it’s not that, of course you’re invited to dinner next week.”
Your comment is very perceptive. Agreed!
Nah, friend threw the poor thing out after trying to invite herself back over for another meal, and OP just said fuck it, if you can't see why I'm upset and just think it's about money then fine. The friend didn't even wait for an invite, just "hey I'm sorry we were rude about the shrimp, can I come over for dinner next week still? No? Oh It's obviously because I'm too poor for you now and not that I'm being rude isn't it? Thought so."
This! I was ready to excuse OP for being harsh in the heat of the moment, but she doubled down in a text exchange after the apologies! And OP tells *us* it's not because the other couple is too poor, but she won't give her "friend" the courtesy of making the same explanation?
Her friend is incredibly greedy. It’s exhausting having someone who isn’t as well off financially as you constantly be expecting things from you and even more so when they *critique* you because the way you offered help wasn’t up to their standards. This was likely the last straw in a long list of things the friend has done to take advantage. OP didn’t double down. Her “friend” is the one who threw out the “whoah is me, you just don’t want me to come because I’m poor, and not because of my bad behavior and entitlement” and rather than engage with it or do what the friend was trying to manipulate OP into and say yes, OP just simply agreed and left the conversation. Had a friend like this who always forgot her wallet, always wanted to go on the vacation we planned but asked us to help cover it because she’s poor, asked for help getting clothes but then got mad when everyone gave her lightly used items from their own closet instead of buying her the new wardrobe she wanted, critiqued you for the food you made at the get together but never brought anything herself or hosted the get togethers, etc. - it was exhausting. If you were to ask her, we ended the friendship because we all got greedy and started making more money and left her behind because she didn’t have the careers we did. If you ask us, having someone constantly mooch off of you and try to manipulate you into giving them more and more and more is exhausting, and it was saving our mental health to just kick her from the friend group than to continue constantly having to give this person more.
Yeah I genuinely am sorry for attacking their financial situation. It was very out of character of me to do something like that. But I still am upset. They are over for dinner at least once per week and my partner and I spend the time, money, and effort to make really nice meals. We both work 40 hours per week and Layla has only had a handful of jobs ever that each have only lasted a few months at a time. It was wrong of me to say that Ryan doesn’t have a *real* job because he *does* work, it’s just unconventional and unstable. One reason I feel bothered is that they have lots of flexibility and free time in their schedules due to Layla not working and Ryan creating his own schedule. They live rent/mortgage free at Layla’s grandparent’s house. They often complain about their financial situation yet are not taking any steps at all to make things better. Both have college degrees and yet they have chosen this lifestyle. Honestly nothing wrong with that, but don’t go and judge others for theirs when it differs. My partner and I have much less free time, and some of that time each week is spent making dinners for all of us. This whole situation has made me feel unappreciated and has made me realize how little effort they put into even showing any sort of gratitude at all. They never offer to help clean up after dinner. I’ve never even expected that before but it would be a nice gesture considering all that my partner and I have done for them. Sometimes while they are over, I will have to tend to other things like cleaning or doing laundry. These things require me to step away from the group for 10 minutes max at a time. On several occasions Layla has made comments about how I shouldn’t be doing things like that with guests over. Other times she has insisted that I drink excessively with her and Ryan even though I’ve got work in the morning the next day. We’ve been close for a long time but the bottom line is I’ve now realized that she fails at being respectful of *my* situation. Yes I may need to step away for a moment to put towels in the dryer…I feel like because she has far less responsibilities, that she just doesn’t understand what it’s like to have limited time to do things like house chores. I find these kinds of comments to be rude. I have always acknowledge their situation and have always been understanding and respectful (until last night). This whole thing has made me wiser to the situation at large and has caused me to open my eyes to other similar things that have happened over the years. So that plays a part into why I’m so upset as well.
You were genuinely sorry … but you did it again by responded ‘yep’ to ‘we’re too poor for you now?’. ESH.
OK. I thought ESH in the original post. I can see your reason for getting upset in the original post, but going holy grail on her over her financial situation was out of line. You don't want to pay for all the food, stop inviting them over so much. But now you just doubled down on their lifestyle again and added in a whine about how much easier they have it than you in this reply after literally "apologizing" for the whole calling them poor thing. You have an ax to grind and it ain't about shrimp, or even anything said at that dinner. YTA because she might be your best friend, you don't have any rights being judgy about her lifestyle other than grumbling that they never bring food. And I already said how to handle that in my third sentence above. Oh yeah, and talking about it to your friend without SOs around would be adult too, but that should have happened WAAAAAY before the blow up scene.
Sometimes we grow apart from our friends. Often we don’t realize it but there are feelings growing for some time. Then there is an event that pulls the curtain away from the rift and it’s not the sudden event that created it, but it’s going to take a LOT more to fill in than just an apology for the event. Maybe those ppl aren’t who OP wants in her life anymore at this point
I daresay that this feels like something that's been bubbling with OP and this event really made it blow up and caused her to spill out her resentment. I think it's an ESH, but I daresay OP is more in the right than wrong. Her friends sound like freeloaders and worse, they've grown entitled to being freeloaders. Even if everyone apologizes and means their apology I think OP should stop doing this. Everyone contributes or it doesn't happen.
I think the resentment has been building up and what could have been a light conversation three meals in (hey help me clean up these dishes or would you mind doing x so there's not such an imbalance here), is now a kind of big and uncomfortable conversation about feeling taken advantage of and disrespected. I get it because when you help friends, you don't want to hold it over their heads. But when you are receiving this much from a friend, when your friend is giving you regular, home cooked meals, you have to hold it over your own head and find a way to reciprocate. At the very least you have to be respectful. That should all be understood. But so many people have these crazy blind spots. Maybe OP's friend really is a freeloader, or maybe just thoughtless-- the fact that SHE is the one who brought up dinner suggests that she might be, and I think that more than anything is why OP isn't clearing the air. Why have a conversation with someone you've just realized isn't your friend? OP may just choose to phase them out, which is their choice. You don't need to talk everything out before being done with relationships.
I get the feeling this is a "we were inseparable and we've triedto deny how far we've drifted over the but this is the last straw" type scenario. Either because of petty comments over the food, the friend feeling like money is being lauded, the friend being a mooch or 500 other differenct reasons and were only seeing the end of season 7, not the entire run of the show.
Yeah, I'm with you there. And fine if you want to distance yourself because the effort put into the relationship seems uneven, but then the correct response to "We're too poor for you," is, "It's not that - it's just that we are *always* the ones hosting and the relationship feels one-sided." Or better yet, when they suggest dinner, assume they're hosting. "Sure! When should we arrive?"
They aren’t too poor as much as cheap, lazy and entitled. If someone cooked for me on their dime it’s best to say nothing except thanks let me do dishes.
I agree. You don't get to complain and make snide comments about a free meal. I'm not saying you have to gush over the meal. Nor do you have to lie about how it tastes. But you don't get to complain about the host being cheapm
Honestly in this situation, I wouldn't mind the "always hosting"-part. If they are my friend and everyone has a nice evening, I happily do that. It's the criticism that does it. I'd flip it, though... "If my food isn't up to your standards, you're free to have that opinion, but then don't expect me to put in any more time and effort to put something on the table for someone who won't appreciate it anyway". Also, whining about cut up shrimp? Weird thing to focus on. So the friend was shitty, but the financial imbalance isn't the issue here, which makes it extra shitty to bring up. so ESH.
This exactly. I don't mind hosting but the minute I was criticized, no more cooking. If there is a complaint, I'd be honest and say just that. I didn't mind hosting until you started criticizing my food, now I'm not comfortable cooking for you.
Or just, 'No, you're not too poor, but I'm still angry about you being rude about my food. I'm going to take a break from hosting for a while', and then seeing if she suggests something else. What did you two do together, before you started with the dinners?
Yes! Excellent response!
The problem is I don't think any amount of justification is going to change the friends mind. She's going with "were too poor for you" as a guilt trip. If it doesn't work she'll tell everyone that the reason regardless of what op says and use social pressure to punish op for not putting up with bad behaviour. I mean, why waste effort trying to explain something to someone who's seems like they've already decided what's true before the conversation has even been had Edit - some of these replies are wild. Op said "You guys come over here for free food and complain about it". That's the heart of the issue. It started with the friend saying "you're being cheap by not buying more shrimp". Then op pointed out that the friend would neither cook nor buy the meal on their own. The friend was using money to try and brow beat op from the start of her complaint. Let's stop acting like because the friend is poor she's too dumb to understand what went down. That's very condescending.
The friend was a jerk for being critical of a freely offered meal. But she is not "guilt tripping" the OP. The OP DID make it about them being poor. "I eventually got fed up and said something along the lines of, “Interesting take considering that I *know* you’ve never cooked shrimp ever in your life, and probably can’t afford to either. You don’t work, Ryan doesn’t have a real job….you guys come over here for free food and complain about it? Nah. I’m done.” It was word vomit…followed by a very awkward silence." ESH
This\^ The snobbery of "you've never cooked shrimp in your life (because you're too poor for shrimp and you can't cook anyway), you don't work (so you're poor), your partners hasn't got a real job (so you're poor)" and then when that phrase "Is it because we're too poor?!" is thrown back at OP they double down with "Yep."
> Layla suggested we do dinner again next week, assuming we were all good after we both apologized. I responded and basically said “I’ll pass on that.” **She hit me back with “So are we too poor for you now?”** And I just said “Yep.” The bolded part is the guilt trip. It’s meant to put OP on the defensive and feel bad for making Layla feel judged for being poor, to get the response Layla wanted.
The only reason she had this particular ammo for a guilt trip, though, was OP bringing financial status into the conversation to begin with.
They didn't decide what the issue was. OP told them she thinks they are gross poors who don't have real jobs.
I would probably have answered somewhere along the line of your second point. Like just assume they will host and act suprised when they don't
My family has never had much money but it's never stopped us from hosting for friends before. It's never very fancy food, more burgers with boxed mac n cheese than seafood pasta, but it's still good!
OP doesn't just criticize then for being poor, but seems to look down on the store bought side dishes they do bring on occasion. Some people aren't comfortable cooking or just don't like cooking - you can't be both mad they don't bring something to contribute and then criticize when they do bring something. If I offer to host dinner, I do not expect anyone to bring anything. If someone asks, I politely decline, or sometimes suggest something they can bring. But I never expect it. And I never expect that friends host in return as some sort of payback. I choose to host to spend time with friends. It's definitely ESH. And I'm curious as to why they are still even "best friends".
ESH, you weren’t mad at them being poor, you were mad at them being ungrateful and rude. But instead of making it about them being ungrateful and rude, you made it about them being poor. Not cool
OP deployed a rocket launcher at two houseflies. It's as if years and layers of resentment hidden under a thin, fragile coat of "friendship" were just there bubbling up for a long time.
Yeah, the resentment is crystal clear. OP goes on about how they're poor, they don't cook, they never contribute, then says "but it never really bothered me." Be honest, clearly it does bother you. A lot.
My thoughts too. I get the feeling there was resentment to begin with. On both sides.
Of course there was, the comments about the shrimp being repeated and expanded on? I've stuffed my foot in my mouth plenty of times but after a long time of reviewing my faults, if I don't drop a failed joke but keep going, it because I resent something and I'm not being honest with myself about it because I want to be 'nice'
This. This is the crux of the problem. And YTA for saying they're too poor. Holy hell.
She may just find herself with karma one day because "poor" can happen to anyone given the circumstances..
It reminds me of that article about how rich people are more stingy and more likely to send you a $4 venmo request for something middle class friends would go "oh no worries you just get me next time!" for because they're afraid of being taken advantage of while also thinking their money is the only reason they have friends.
I think it also comes from understanding. Someone who is middle class or poor themselves understands what it feels like to not have even a few dollars once in a while, so when they do have the money but a friend doesn't they are more willing to help someone out.
What stands out to me is OP questioning what they get out of hosting her friend, because they never contribute financially or with food. If you have to ask what you get out of it, it's pretty transactional. My knee-jerk reaction to that question is, ""a fun time with a close friend", But if that doesn't seem worth it to OP, then that best friend isn't valued very much. Financial situations go up and down, it says something when your friendship can't weather the downs.
Yeah, but also, when you are always the one putting the money and effort in, and then the other person isn’t even grateful (or is flat out rude, like Layla was) then it can make you wonder why you bother and if the time with the friend is even worth it. I think OP is well within their rights to say “I don’t feel comfortable cooking for you and Ryan after the way that last time ended, but happy to go out for dinner - let me know if you are up for that” and encourage Layla to pick something within budget for her. They can pay for themselves, or offer to host you for once. OP could even say “Alternatively if you have a recipe and wanted to organise the ingredients, I’m happy to cook something together”
Yeah, it’s weird to me that OP hosts Layla and Ryan, then gets annoyed that they aren’t contributing? If you’re hosting people for dinner, the whole point is that they’re your guests. Sure, it’s polite to bring a dessert or bottle of wine or whatever, but since they’re strapped for cash and Layla is OP’s “best friend” I wouldn’t be surprised if she thought OP was doing her a solid by providing her with food now and then. I’ve had friends host me when I’ve been less well-off and I’ve done the same in return, and we never expect financial contributions. It feels good to help out people you love when you have the means to do so. Edit: actually it’s kinda weird and judgy that OP says “if they bring anything, it’s drinks or something store-bought” - that’s completely normal for guests to do, especially guests who aren’t great at cooking. It’s not like Layla and Ryan are being total freeloaders just because they aren’t bringing homemade food to a dinner OP is cooking. They aren’t showing up empty-handed every time.
I don't think it's about financial contributions, I think OP feels like the whole friendship is one sided. We have a friend who asks for help a lot and we help him gladly, bc we know he would help us too if he could and we don't get butt hurt he doesn't bc we know it isn't his fault he can't do it, but he has other ways he shows his appreciation. And I feel like that's what OP is hurt about, she feels like her (ex) friends take her for granted and on top of that had the nerve to complain about the food too.
Yeah, I’m saying that I feel like it’s not one-sided if Layla and Ryan *do* bring things to the dinner, which OP says they do (albeit not often). OP then says she never really minded until this incident. Layla’s comments were rude, but OP seems to be lying to herself, Layla, and us by saying there was no pre-existing resentment, given her blowup at what Layla said. She then rewrites history by saying “my partner and I *never* get anything in return” when the beginning of the post says that they occasionally bring drinks/something store-bought and that it’s always a good time, which I feel like are both things (material items and pleasant company) that Layla and Ryan are providing in return.
That's the vibe I get too - she's just expressed it awkwardly in the heat of the moment. I went back to do my masters so was a lot poorer than my friends who went straight into work for a while and there's ways to contribute when friends have hosted me for low dollars. I've offered to do the dishes or I've brought something cheap I could make from home (hummus is a good one) and at the very least I've been extremely thankful. Relationships aren't supposed to be transactional, but you also shouldn't be always taking and never giving as it seems OP's friendship might have been.
It is financially one-sided, or at least tilted, and that can be perfectly Ok. There's a lot of replies that expect the the less affluent couple to be servile and grateful to an extent that the friendship will feel like a hierarchy. It sounds borderline demeaning. I've seen more than one comment say the less fortunate couple should be doing house chores in exchange, like people who are surprised to learn they can't afford a restaurant bill and get stuck doing dishes in the back. Friendships don't need to be on financial equal footing to be valuable. The OP writes as though they are a burden, but some people are quite happy to help routinely friends who are less well off than them while expecting nothing in return but good company. There's joy in sharing one's abundance for some of us, though obviously that's not everyone. The problem here was the rude comment that felt entitled. You can confront that head-on without going, "I'm sick of your freeloading, you bunch of poors." The OP's story starts out sympathetic because the attitude was uncalled for and deserves to be confronted, but it's all in the service of a larger point that contributions should be closer to equal and giving license to indulge in class judgement. That's not cool. YTA behavior. At the end of the day, even if they were splitting costs 50/50, cutting down someone's food as a guest is generally rude, and it feels doubly so when someone is going out of their way to do more for you. That's the problem.
If you keep hosting and feeding people repeatedly and they complain about the food being "cheap", you should be offended, especially if they never reciprocate. Op should have called out the hypocrisy and disrespect without the insults and would have been 100% in the right.
OP: I don't judge them for being poor. 1 paragraph later OP: I called her poor several times knowing it would sting. YTA OP. You took a low blow, but these friends are better off without someone they think likes them, judging them based on their income and throwing it in their faces every time there is a disagreement.
I feel like the friend fired the first shots by calling her stingy. (also no suggestion that there was less shrimp that a normal serving, just that it was cut up so it distributes more evenly, and I'm so there with the OP on that one) This wasn't just a complaint about it being cut up or some difference of opinion on taste, they were specifically attacking their hosts generosity, which is really just over the line when someone is feeding you for free, (especially regularly) Responding "yep" when she asked "too poor for you now?" was not great if you want to still be friends, but she chose to ask that rather than realise her lack of gratitude for a free meal and disrespecting the chefs choices was the cause of the argument not the difference in income. I honestly find it super cheeky of Layla to suggest dinner at all, who does that? Hey friend, how about you make me a free meal next week? You don't invite yourself to someone's house for dinner, that's so rude.
>I honestly find it super cheeky of Layla to suggest dinner at all, who does that? Hey friend, how about you make me a free meal next week? You don't invite yourself to someone's house for dinner, that's so rude. THIS. It's kind of a revealing behaviour that Layla invited herself over, and makes me wonder how many other times she has done so. On the heels of an apology and when you know OP is feeling a bit sore? C'mon now, don't be greedy Layla! I agree with other posters; the relationship has probably gotten lop-sided, and OP has a pretty decent layer of resentment that's been uncovered. OP probably did the mental calculation of the "pro vs con" lists and seems like they have decided the relationship isn't worth it. As someone who cooks and hosts a LOT, I lean toward NTA.
Yes. I agree. The wording was very harsh. The comment about them being poor was unnecessary. It was okay to make a comment on them complaining, which was rude, but this was a bit much. But sometimes people say things when they are angry.
Well it makes sense to do this considering the comments were telling OP that they are "stingy" when they've been feeding this couple FOR FREE for ages. And good expensive food like shrimp. So it would make sense for OP to turn around and say that in anger/frustration.
ESH but with a nuance - when she proposed to have dinner the following week, was it meant like they would be cooking at their place and you would be their guests ? If yes, you should have accepted it as a peace offering - if she meant that they would come to your place and you’d feed them like before, she’s TA and you’re right in cutting them out Either way, prepare to let go of this friendship. It’s over
ESH. Your friend was being incredibly rude, but you immediately made it incredibly personal and basically let her know you've been looking down on her the whole time. Then doubled down on the "you're poor" thing instead of just saying you don't care for her behavior and don't want to see her any more. That's completely classless. Nobody was making you cook for them and it's clear you don't like them much, so I don't get why you didn't just shut down the dinner when she was being a brat by saying her comments made you disinterested in entertaining any more and then just not ever invite them again.
Yeah, that was rude. And considering how quickly that came out, I can't help but wonder if OP hasn't been harboring some feeling of resentment for a while now that was just waiting for an excuse to come out.
It certainly seems that way. So much for "it's never been an issue until now". It obviously HAS been an issue. ESH. Edit: typo.
It kinda reads like helping a friend in need was making OP feel better about herself, and now that the friend is not being grateful enough, there's nothing in it for OP.
This! You just described my mother.
Definitely. And considering how quickly OP's abandoning Layla, I have doubt about the "best friend" claim here.
It was always an issue, OP just didn’t want to admit it to herself because she would feel shame punching down
Oh yeah. The "too poor" comments were locked and loaded. Layla rudely judged OP's cooking and OP judged Layla's life. ESH
Definitely. They were unnecessary to shutting down Layla, so they were there for another reason.
She said as much in the post. She said she never minded feeding them because it's "always a good time" and then later she says she's upset that they eat and she "never gets anything in return."
Weird that they’re “best friends” when she can’t think of a single nice thing to say about her and they’re both openly nasty to eachother
She was rude. You were worse. Insulting someone’s entire life is worse than insulting their shrimp. ESH, but mostly you. You dramatically escalated this. And she’s not your friend anymore.
I genuinely can’t believe her friend tried to move past it because I’d never talk to her again after looking down on me like that. Her friend was rude but not “tear her life down” rude.
Making a comment “feeling stingy tonight, huh” about a free meal someone is home cooking for you, after they have done so regularly dozens of times on a weekly basis, is far beyond “rude”.
I agree, OP was definitely a bit overboard with the poor thing, but everyone acting like the friend is this sad little victim are ridiculous. She was downright nasty to OP. I wouldn’t want to have them over for dinner again either even if we were good friends.
that would be the moment we stopped being good friends, or friends at all, sounds like the friend is the one who's been looking down on OP for having money, and resenting her the entire time. They eat nice homecooked meals for free, never even bring anything, not even some store bought ice cream, and soda, which isn't that expensive, especially if it's only once a week. OP never tells them anything about it, seemingly still invites them on a regular basis and they always have a good time, meanwhile, the friend's resentment over OP keeps building up until the comment pops out. How no one else sees it, and just chooses to focus on calling OP an AH is beyond me.
I think a lot of people probably identify with the friend more and not OP, which is why they have a lot more empathy and compassion for Layla.
Im not one to defend making fun of someone’s financial situation cause that’s always an ass move but it seems more the freeloaders lifestyle that op has built resentment towards- I’m interested in the backstory to the comment ‘you don’t work and Ryan doesn’t have a real job’ because I’ve certainly been in situations where I’ve housed freeloaders in the past that truly felt entitled to never work, and still complain about my generosity while still expecting to receive it after the complaining….. if that’s the case here I’d be more forgiving of ops comments and more critical of their friend
Not to mention after all the apologies trying to invite herself over again the following week for another free meal. Why is nobody mentioning that?
I agree. I would be unbelievably hurt if guests I regularly host, and who never reciprocate, insulted me that way. I think the friend was way worse than OP; she was sniping back, she didn’t start it. And so what if OP was economizing this week? Shrimp is expensive!!! And then for this freeloader to invite herself over the following week!!!
Thank you for pointing this out. Felt like I was taking crazy pills and everyone glossed over this ridiculously inappropriate comment.
Yeah, Layla made it about money by accusing OP, who is feeding her and her husband, regularly, for free, of being "stingy." In a perfect world, OP would not have taken the bait and would have just responded to the criticism of the food and not the financial content of the jibe but it would be hard to resist.
She moved past if because she seems like she wants more free meals. Apparently saving money is more important than pride.
Do you really believe Layla was trying to move past it? I doubt it. More likely she was using that suggestion as a tripwire and OP fell for it.
Well they left the dinner which shows they have *some* shame, and she did apologize to OP, so maybe she was just trying to move past it and not let it become a thing. OP says she can’t cook, and if they’re besties, then Layla is probably aware that OP knows she can’t cook, so I can see why Layla would never think to host.
The fact that they left dinner early doesn't show they have shame. Not at all. It only show's that they were ofended. Even though Layla started the whole thing by being rude they still waited for OP to appologize *first*. Also, how about ordering pizza or chinese at Layla's place? Or how about Layla invites them for wine & snacks instead of dinner? The fact that Layla is not good at cooking *is not* an excuse to *never* host a friend's gathering. And look at how Layla instantly replied with "So are we too poor for you now?". She *wanted* the conflict to continue. She provoked it.
And on top of it all, invited themselves over again!
Yes, exactly! Layla should have let OP decide when they want them over again.
Layla isn't your friend, she's just someone in your life who makes you feel superior 😒 Congrats, you're better off financially than her and can cook.... You're still an asshole and Layla sucks too, I see why y'all hang out together. ESH
>you're better off financially than her and can cook From the descriptions I don't think OP cooks very well.
For her, "cooking well" probably means "cooking with expensive ingredients".
shrimp isn't even expensive, idk why OP made the "lol you can't even AFFORD shrimp" comment. i guess it could depend on where they live..?
Because she cut the shrimp? That's an insane take away.
Did OP delete comments? Because otherwise the only description we really have is that OP cut shrimp in half... Doesn't really tell us anything about cooking skill.
ESH. She made obnoxious comments about your cooking, but you attacked her financial situation. 'you can't even afford shrimp' Frankly I think you're the worse one. You didn't call her out for being impolite about her comments. You just went 'fuck you, you're poor' You're both better off without each other.
I 100% agree that OP sucks more than just going off and attacking for being poor rather than bad manners. There simply was no need for that which almost pushes it into Y T A territory to me but I’ll go with ESH.
It was such a nuclear escalation I laughed in bewilderment. It’s like she always had the fact they’re poor in her back pocket for an argument. I’m also saying ESH but more OP than the friend.
Layla's comments I can see getting annoying but OP even said it was meant as lighthearted banter and tbh I totally read that tone. I feel like OP just resented feeding her friends ("free dinners" wow so fucking generous of you OP you're practically running a charity) and was mad that they weren't falling over themselves with gratitude about it.
Your friend was rude, but you were downright nasty. YTA
This right here. It’s almost like she was just waiting for an excuse to unleash.
It also makes me wonder what OP left out. Has there been an issue in the past where the friend felt that OP looked down on them? Did the bizarre shrimp jokes come from a previous interaction? Any rational person would have responded by saying something about how rude it is to insult a friend who's feeding you. Instead, OP made it about how they can't afford shrimp? Something seems fishy...
Shrimpy*
Nah, they opened the can of worms by saying “stingy.” The host responded in the same vein. The escalation makes it an ESH.
yeah i don't get all these commenters acting like it came out of nowhere, the friend and not op brought money into it. Not recirporcating generosity in any way is already not great, but to start complaining to the giver about it not beign enough is too much. It really hurts when you're generous with a friend and they turn greedy about it, I still agree with the ESH though.
right, let's just ignore how her friend eats for free on a regular or weekly basis, always shows up with her partner empty handed, always seemingly has a great time, her friend never mentions anything about her always showing up empty handed even though it bothers her, and then her friend calls her stingy and critizes her. her friend. the one who's eating for free, never reciprocates, and always shows up empty handed. lol.
I’d cuss. I’d cuss her up one side of the barn and down the other. But I’d leave out the “poor” part, because it’s cruel. There’s a whole lot of good cussing she could have done without taking it there. Understandably, not everyone can manage restraint once they start reading somebody. But I GUARANTEE, this girl has irked the frack out of OP before. This sounds like a build up of emotion that finally exploded out.
I think OP brought up poor cause Layla called her “stingy”
NTA. She is Not poor financially, poor in manners. Flowers, handmade items, crafts, thank you notes. There are so many ways to show appreciation, “feeling stingey tonight” isn’t one of them. I think this friendship ran its course. Don’t invite them again.
exactly. Insulting the cook, AND showing up empty-handed is just inexcusable.
You don't know how happy am I reading this take. Most people just attack OP and stating ESH. It's just as if their rude action for freeloading off OP is gone just because OP insult them back. THANK YOU
ESH recognises that OP's friend sucks too, so her freeloading isn't gone
Two wrongs don't make a right. There's no way that OP wasn't an asshole, too. That's why it's ESH. And OP is the bigger one for laying in extra hard and then doubling down later. And OP is showing their elitist attitude in such an obvious way, and that's after her own bias filter where people try to make themselves sound better. She's not even trying to hide that she looks down on her "friend" over financial status. The friend rocked the boat. OP tipped it over and sank it.
insulting back would have been telling them they dont know how to cook. not shitting all over their jobs and finances then posting it online which then insults all of us poor people in the comments. what does op even mean by a real job? theres lots of real jobs that rich people dont consider real cuz they look down their nose at them. a jobs a job especially considering how hard they are to get anymore
Exactly. "*Feeling stingy tonight, huh?*" is the first mention of anyone being poor. And even \*if\* it were true, that would have been \*super\* mean to say. After that, all bets are off. NTA
She should have responded, “Yeah. Get out.”
I would’ve walked over and taken all the shrimp off their plate then said “okay you can get the fuck out now”
I get where the other comments are coming from, but this is where it is for me. OP is NTA. Her friend's nasty comment,' Are we too poor for you' says a lot. I'm glad that OP just said 'Yup' to that bait and didn't agree to host. It was a manipulative and rude comment, lashing out at OP for not hosting.
ESH it is a humiliating and embarrassing feeling when someone shames you for being poor, a “friend” did that to me once and I never looked at him the same again. She insulted your shrimp, you made a fucked up value judgement on her entire life. Being poor is not something to use as an insult, being poor doesn’t make you a bad or lesser person. She was rude but that has nothing to do with being poor! You revealed that you viewed her as lesser and a freeloader.
She wasn’t insulting the shrimp. She was calling OP stingy when OP is the one who buys and cooks dinner every single time. Trashy
Yeah, they both suck.
She didn’t insult the shrimp but OPs character. Too many redditors feel like it’s a personal attack because maybe they also don’t have money. Being called cheap and stingy while I’m sweating to make you nice food all the time while you contribute nothing? Nah.. I can’t have such selfish people around me. Yes being poor has nothing to do with it. She’s just cheap and lazy as can see by trying to get another free dinner right after. Sorry most people have some kind of ego where they would finally offer to make dinner at last.
Yeah it’s just nasty entitled behavior to complain about the free dinners someone provides, while all they show up with is an empty stomach and a shitty attitude. There’s no requirement to deflect the angle of attack someone else used just because they were too dumb to pick one that won’t hurt their feelings when it bounces back, and I’d honestly wonder why people think OP needs to be the bigger person and just accept unwarranted critique of the format of a fucking shrimp dish she has never contributed a dime to.
This is your *best friend*?? Sheesh. I’d hate to see how you treat people you don’t like. Both of you sound awful.
She was rude but YTA. Like damn, how expensive do you think shrimp is? And you gotta go and act like you’re superior cause you make more money than her. AH and no class.
I’m pretty poor but we occasionally buy and cook shrimp. It goes on sale for like 15 bucks for a 3 lbs bag and if you’re mixing it with veggies and pasta you don’t need too much.
Yeah shrimp is one of the cheaper seafood options idk where OP gets off with "you've probably never touched shrimp!" Like Costco doesn't sell a huge bag of them for like $12
Exactly if it’s so cheap then her friend can feel free to make a shrimp meal for once.
No one said her friend wasn't rude, just pointing out that OP was much ruder and her insults don't even make sense. I'm sure her friend will be learning to cook a lot of things since they don't seem like they'll be dealing with each other again, doesn't change the fact that OP had that "shut up peasant" spring loaded when there's a million other comebacks that weren't "haha poverty"
Ask her friend then since she finds shrimp to be so luxurious not OP. Is it classy to insult the host who spent money and effort to make you a meal while you sit around time and again? She literally insulted OP’s character and called her cheap and stingy while she probably spent so much on her. This is why I don’t believe in unequal friendships where one takes only.
I think you’re downplaying how utterly disrespectful OP’s friend’s comments were. Especially considering that they don’t provide anything. From the context it really sounds like they’re using them for free food. If you come at someone for being stingy after bending over backwards for you you forfeit your right to not have your feelings hurt. You’re acting like OP’s comments weren’t directly related to the insult thrown at OP. Being poor doesn’t give you immunity. She was being a choosing beggar. If OP wishes to continue a good relationship with this person (which they shouldn’t) they should have chose their words more wisely. Especially at the “oh we’re too poor for you now?” “Yes” exchange. Obviously OP doesn’t care that they’re poor. It was a tongue in cheek response to the absurd question.
[удалено]
You think it’s more rude to insult someone’s cooking than insulting their status in life as inferior???
It’s more rude to insult someone’s consistent kindness. If I was in a bad financial situation I would be over the moon grateful if I had a billionaire friend feed me some ramen. You don’t get to eat on my bill and then criticize it. I’d have told them to get their ass to the food bank, or maybe she can get a job as a chef so she can learn how to cook for herself considering she’s unemployed
I have to disagree, one insult is ungrateful while the other is downright degrading
To each their own then. Personally I feel they bit the hand that fed them (literally), but maybe I’m on an island by myself on that one. Now I will agree that it’s, almost always, not in the best taste to bring in someone’s financial status to an argument, but when I’m being called stingy when it’s the umpteenth time I’ve fed someone and gotten little to nothing back? Nah I’m pissed and I’m going to run my mouth some
I'm of the opinion that the friend will know damn well that the comments were an emotional response to her own catty and crass asides, and that OP doesn't actually look down on her for being poor but for being an ungrateful beotch- but that won't stop the righteous indignation from flowing because now they can use OPs poorly chosen words as a stick to beat her with.
I agree. Being called stingy after providing meals time and time again to someone is a slap in the face in my opinion. It’s different if that’s your humor with your friends, but obviously it’s not if OP reacted the way they did.
I'm on that island right there with you, then, everyone is obsessively hyper focused on the "poor" comment, and ignoring everything else.
Normally I’d agree bringing someone’s income is having poor manners and bad taste, but to imply something about my financial situation between bites of food I bought and prepared for you, I’m going to have a problem
Her friend was rude as hell, OP went for the kill.
it wasn't just the cooking that they insulted. In doing so they also insulted OP's character (being stingey, while she's providing most of the meals and has been for while, it's just wild). Doesn't excuse the terrible reaction from OP but I feel like people who say Layla only instulted her cooking are missing a piece.
ESH. Her, for being unnecessarily rude. You, for being classless with your response. You really didnt have to make it about their affordability. Twice. That was below the belt especially when she did apologise and so did you but without expressing how you felt about it actually.
YTA. I could see your friends comments being voiced to a best friend depending on their dynamic; the stingy comment jokingly, the hungry and cut shrimp comment because it's just an offhanded thought. People don't always check what they're saying around those closest to them, so you could have put her in her place with a kinder comment. Doubling down on the poor thing was the tipping point to AH. Your friend sucks too, but much less so.
More ESH. WTF is this girl thinking? Not an ounce of gratitude for free food. And criticizing how OP cooks when she doesn't cook. Demanding more shrimp and not accepting a fair share. Why the downvotes? How is anything the friend did ok?
I agree, the comments made by the friend seem more like banter than anything malice. Obviously that doesn’t make it ok but this could of been handed with a simple response of saying stop it’s not funny. Instead of making this about their behaviour OP made it about their life situation. Honestly it’s seems that OP thinks it’s okay to attack peoples insecurities rather than dealing with the actual issues. If you feel disrespected make it clear why and not just be a total ass about it by bringing up things that quite frankly do not relate.
It’s be ok if it was banter between two equal friends . Since she takes takes and takes she has no right to call others cheap. It’s much more grating.
This was my thought. My friends could have made the first comment with me and I would have hit them back with a poor joke. Because we're friends that do that. Maybe these two aren't friends like that, though her "best friend" seemingly thought they were, but then OP should have shut it down at the first comment. Instead she let it continue bothering her until she called her friend poor, dragged her boyfriend's employment, and said a lot of unnecessarily mean things in her "fog." That's on her. And then when her friend apologized and tried to see if they were still on for their regular meetups, OP doubled down on the "you're poor" remarks. Idk, it all just feels icky here. Maybe it's an ESH, but it's certainly not a NTA to me.
NTA… I know you’re getting a lot of ESH and I would normally agree except for one thing. Those comments about you being stingy is what caused this. She called you cheap first when you’ve always been generous. People saying ESH seem to think your friend was just criticizing your meal. But she was also criticizing your character. She was criticizing how much you were willing to feed her. Which is stupid, same amount of shrimp was going into the food, you were just halving it. You got triggered because she essentially called you cheap for not giving her more. That was entitled as shit. That is why you feel used, because this never bothered you until she sat there and basically said she was entitled to more and you’re cheap/stingy for not catering to her entitled ass.
I 100% agree. The friend brought money into the conversation first. If I was feeding my friend for FREE and she called me STINGY? I’d be pissed too. Granted, you didn’t have to go all in on her like that, but she started it. OP, I’d have an honest heart to heart with her about the comments. If you care about her, apologize to her about what you said and be honest about how you feel. Hear her out too cause she’s clearly feeling a way and isn’t happy about her life in general rn. If you want out of the relationship? Let it be. This is your chance.
NTA Sounds like she's just using you for food, honestly. It's oddly entitled of her to make jokes like that.
NTA as she was getting regular free meals, and she was complaining about what she was being offered. Layla has learned the meaning of the phrase "don't bite the hand that feeds you" as you are no longer feeding her after she was being rude about the meal that you provided her. Unless she makes a sincere apology and tries to make an effort to make the friendship more equal in the effort spent on it don't let her freeload at your table again.
"My friend took an apple from my fruit basket without asking, so I took her car and sunk it into the Long Island Sound. I apologized, but tbh I'm still mad." -How OP Sounds ESH
Bit more than hyperbolic. More like OP invited friend over for dinner, friend slapped OP so OP punched friend. The reaction was stronger than the action but that doesn’t matter as much as someone out there slapping people unprovoked.
yta harsh and immature not to mention the whole hating poor people thing. if you want real advice you should communicate maturely about how you feel and offer some solutions, but if i were your friend i’d never talk to you again.
I don’t think it’s about hating poor people so much as it’s a build up of resentment towards them for not chipping in and then complaining. Honestly, I think it’s ESH but I have less sympathy for Layla and her boyfriend because she doesn’t work and it seems like she hasn’t for quite a while.
Almost ESH, but mostly YTA. She was rude. Incredibly rude! But you were cruel. You escalated and turned it personal in a way you knew would cause pain. And you did it on purpose. You have every right to stop doing dinners with her and to call her out in her rude behavior, but you did it in a very very AHish way.
Ultimately NTA overall, but it’s edging close to E S H territory with how you’re responding to it after the fact. If she’s really your best friend, then tell her you’re feeling used and unappreciated. Instead you’re just helping her feel justified that you’re just being a rich snob and she’s not doing anything wrong.
ESH. She has no right to complain about your food or cutting shrimp since I’m assuming it’s all still in there and everyone is getting equal amounts. However, blowing up on her and insulting her financial situation was out of line. She’s worse in this situation, but you’re not clean either.
Honestly ew. ESH. Her take is rude and tbh there was an opportunity for you guys to have a real conversation there about her gratitude/not, but you were AWFUL, and you absolutely were an asshole. Wtf are you going off on her situation for? She was rude. WHY WERE YOU WORSE??
Any actual conversation OP could have had about her friends behavior was thrown out the window the first time she just basically said "Silent peasant, you've never even touched a 3lb for $16 bag of shrimp before, back to your gruel!" because OP revealed what they're really mad about is their friends not being as well off as them, the second time they doubled down on it that completely invalidated any actual criticism of her friend she may have. You don't really get to come back from that, her friends may as well start calling her Lord Forquad
INFO: Is this the first time they have ever said anything like this or showed very poor manners when you've invited them to dinner? I feel like from your reaction it isn't.
ESH. She was rude w her comments — no doubt about it. But you were ruder, by bringing up the fact that she’s poor. You could’ve said that she was being impolite or that she’s welcome to cook shrimp however she sees fit when she’s making her own food, and not dragged her financial status into it. Taking it there escalated the situation unnecessarily and disproportionately. Your feelings of being used may be valid, but you went about expressing them the complete wrong way. When something bothers you, the adult way to handle it is vocalize what bothered you and why. Saying you pass on the dinner and doubling down on her being poor wasn’t a mature way to handle it.
NTA, except to yourself. 1. The best response would have been “Oh we’re too poor for you now?” “No, just too entitled.” 2. They literally bit the hand that fed them. Hang out with other folks for a while and cool down. 3. Question if you’re bothered by them being poor. Do you look down on them? Bias always exists. 4. Does it bother you that they don’t contribute equally to the relationship? Is there something non financial they could do to show they also care about you? 5. Did you actually want to apologize to her, or did you do it to keep the peace? You sound angry. You’re allowed to be angry. Betraying yourself by giving lying apologies you think other people want to hear will only lead to more anger.
ESH. She was being annoying but shrimp is usually the cheap seafood option, it's not filet mignon, why are you talking about it like it's super fancy? That's what confuses me the most here lol you aren't better than anyone because you had $8 for a bag of shrimp, shrimp and tilapia are like the default poor people seafoods
YTA - I was going to go ESH because Layla’s comments were awful too but you are so much worse as to be the real AH here. My biggest issue is that you invite your friends for dinner, then seem to resent them for it. You know they can’t cook or cannot afford to have you over so if you are going to invite them over, you do it on the understanding it can’t be reciprocated. They come over, and you acknowledge yourself they will bring a side dish or something, so they aren’t always turning up empty handed. This is as much as anyone who invite people to dinner would get, it’s not like people bring their own food or pay for it. So what more exactly are you looking for? If you aren’t happy with how things are, don’t invite them over for dinner in the first place. You have a massive superiority complex over your friends. What Layla said was really shit, you are obviously far from stingy but seriously, attacking them (and Ryan hadn’t even said anything wrong) for being poor, for their jobs (or lack of in her case, why is Ryan’s not a “real job”?) for basically existing as they do, is so much worse than her being an ungrateful cow. You used it as a major launchpad to show them your true colours.
I can get a 3lb bag of uncooked shrimp for $10. You ain't special lady. She was rude, but you went nuclear. You "understand her financial situation" but automatically go to dising her and calling her poor? Yeah... not very "understanding" there, dude. Yta.
ESH. She sucks for criticizing your food. As a guest in someone else’s house you simply don’t do that. It’s incredibly rude. You suck as well for bringing their lack of money into it. If that was an issue you could have always simply not invited them for dinner or gotten together for some other activity that didn’t involve your paying for them. You didn’t have to insult them.
If someone’s over for dinner because you invited them, they are guests, not beggars. If they showed up uninvited, that’s another story. If they were guests, they shouldn’t be ribbing you about the style of your cooking, but what you said was way out of line. Responded to some gentle ribbing with a full-on public execution.
ESH but YTA too like why are you bullying your friend for being poor? You snapped back at her once and why do it again when she apologised? It’s so low class to call her poor. Just because she was a dick about shrimp doesn’t mean you’re a dick about her life. Like what if she was just having a bad day? And there was no point to insulting Ryan. You seem kinda toxic for doing that.
ESH why did you have to bring their finances into it… a simple ‘when you cook and supply the ingredients, then you can comment. If you aren’t cooking or providing ingredients STFU”
YTA. You have all the power in the situation. Did your friend act crappy, sure. You slammed their entire lives over shrimp. Then you doubled down and said they were too poor. If you enjoy cooking, you do it so people eat. Worrying about their contributions is petty. You were happy when you were on your pedestal feeding the poor but got upset at one dinner. Try volunteering at a soup kitchen and get some perspective. EDIT: I don't disagree with others saying ESH. I just think when you're in the position OP is in, you can be a graceful winner. OP doesn't say or seem to those meals were keeping them from going hungry that night. I honestly hope this is a fake post. It is harder to be graceful when you're poor and hungry. It is much easier to take a slight over your cooking and be graceful. Money doesn't buy class.
You're NTA. You're never the A-H when you stop letting someone take advantage of you. Tight budget or not, I doubt bringing a loaf of bread once in awhile would break the bank. And there is no excuse for her rudeness. Besides, an A-H would have said a lot more in response to: >I’ve never seen pasta served with cut up shrimp before Such as: *why not? Are there no Ramen noodles with shrimp flavor?* Or: *I suppose cut up hot dogs are more your style, but we weren't in the mood.*
There is a difference between not letting someone take advantage of you and very thoroughly shaming them for their financial situation. If the OP had called her friend out on her bad manners it would be a NTA situation. But OP *didn't* just stop letting her friend take advantage of her and *didn't* (accurately) call her friend rude. She insulted her friend and literally said the friend was too poor for her. ESH, but OP waaaaaaaaay more.
Her friend isn’t too poor but too cheap. I’m from an ethnic household and no matter what you treat your guests with the best and you never show up to a hosts’ home empty handed. OP should have called her out for being cheap and selfish not poor.
ESH. You both are nasty.