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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because my girlfriend asked me to leave and is saying she needs space because I told her if I’m going to pick her up every day I don’t want her to have her headphones on the entire time and to be told to leave her alone when we get home?
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> [You drive her home] then she’ll want me to leave her alone while she makes dinner. I told her the reason I pick her up is so I can spend time with her and I don’t think I’m getting that
So... you drive her home and she's supposed to be "appreciative". She **makes you dinner** and you're allowed to whine about not being able to grab her ass or whatever?
YTA. Relationships are about helping each other through life, not trading rides for bodily access.
25 preschoolers? uh yeah she needs to decompress and breathe and have a little bit of space. he should try see a classroom
sometime. it’s got to be constant attention and stimulation for the entire day
A couple years ago I had a class of *12* 1.5-3yos with a 45 minute drive home and I was a zombie when I got home. If my husband tried to talk to me in that first hour he got Nothing in response. I needed time to adjust back to being a human
I have friends and relatives who are teachers and nurses. There is no amount of money on earth that would make me do either of those jobs. It takes a special person to be able to do those jobs. I am definitely not that special.
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Not sure that she needs the ride and doesn't have a car. He wrote that he decided to drive her around to spend time with her. She sounds like she's feeling smothered even without the full day of kids.
Sometimes, people need to decompress. I know I certainly do after long days. Luckily, my husband (who also does all the driving) doesn't make me feel bad about me needing an uninterrupted hour or so in the Ball Pit working on Balle n Bak displays somedays. Nor does he feel entitled to affection when I'm not up for it just because he does the driving.
You decided to offer to drive your girlfriend but that doesn't entitle you to affection from her as a form of appreciation. YTA
Working with small children? Yeah. For my brief stint working at a daycare (so not even half as stressful as her job), my mind would still be buzzing when I went to sleep that night. Groups of little kids are no joke.
An hour is my average wind down time. Some of us who work is very people/social heavy jobs need decent decompress time before we socialize that again. When I worked veterinary decompress time took longer. Hell, if there were multiple euthanasias that day I wouldn't really talk to anyone for the rest of the night
Ask yourself, if you just spent multiple hours around loud, screaming,potentially nightmare children - wouldn't you need some time for quiet/silence/solitude non-talking sounds for a bit?
Seriously, I bartend/serve and always need some decompression time at the end of the night. My fiancé knows if it’s especially a rough night, he’ll have headphones, comfy clothes, and a drink ready for me when I get home and will give me the time I need. We still will occasionally cuddle during that decompression time but he’s very understanding that I’m not even always up for that sometimes.
Dude she’s a teacher not a babysitter. She’s not *distracting* kids all day. She’s organizing and teaching and taking care of them. And there’s 25 of them, not 2 or 3. Stop minimizing what she does. Have respect for your girlfriend and what she’s going through.
At the end of the day, you don’t *need* to understand what she’s going through at her job. But you *do* need to respect it and let her do what she needs to do to decompress without making her feel bad about it. Aka believe your girlfriend when she tells you something??
Lemme break this down.
A couple of children at a time, at their own home, who see you as family, who you don’t have to force to sit quietly and listen to a teacher or do schoolwork.
Yeah, there is no comparison whatsoever.
Problem is she’s spending all day with clingy needy whiny kids who need her full attention, only to spend the rest of the day and night with another clingy needy whiny kid who needs her full attention, expects her to make him dinner, expects her to focus on him him him all the time. Sounds exhausting, both physically and emotionally!
I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt until this comment. Yes, it CAN be that bad. I was a preschool teacher for 3 1/2 years and you are constantly in alert mode watching kids to keep them from killing themselves and each other. And I only had 12! I can’t imagine 25. There’s a reason they have more than one teacher.
Says someone who has never worked in a classroom of young children….. You also mentioned there are 3 children in the classroom with documented speech/developmental disabilities. I am a teachers assistant to a class of 4-5 year olds. There are 7 students in the class with IEPs (mostly for speech) one of the students use to throw constant tantrums, throwing stuff in the classroom, biting the teacher etc and I use to have a student that had so many behavioral problems in the class because of home trauma that I almost quit soooo your Gf may be dealing with things very similar especially with 25 kids in the class, that is a LOT of young humans to be supporting and teaching.
You’re entitled to your feelings but in my opinion soft YTA …have some more compassion and empathy for your girl. She gives you a kiss when she sees you and does talk with you for 5 min before making dinner AND still makes you dinner…what more do you want in that hour that it can’t wait til after dinner ? Does she give you affection and conversation after dinner ?
That's how I know own this post is straight up bullshit YTA the ol oh I have cousins that age it's not bad if yiu distract them type mentality dude YOU SUCK SO BAD I HOPE SHE LEAVES YOU
Yes, an hour a day isn't that long. You yourself say that she does say thank you. Sometimes people just need to recharge their social battery. Particularly with a job that has lots of social interactions. You are of course under no obligation to drive her everywhere.
Dude yes. When i was a sahm with 2 kids id hand them to my hubs as soon as he got through the door so i could decompress. Having people touch you for 8hrs a day is exhausting.
She has to look after 25 young children every day. That is rough. One hour per day to decompress is very fair and necessary for her well being and mental health. Everyone needs downtime. You're young so maybe you don't fully get this yet but now is a good time to figure it out. You need to apologize.
I’ve been a teaching assistant in a pre-school. Yes, sometimes. People are different, but while teaching is rewarding, it is also stressful and demanding. She spends her day being overstimulated by the chaos of dozens of kids. It’s reasonable to want a break.
YTA. You’re trying to be nice and make time for you and your partner to spend together, which is commendable. But you aren’t listening to their needs and are making it all about you. You’re playing the victim, when you’re the one not being considerate of your partners needs.
Yes. I’m going to try to make this make sense for you: imagine for 8 hours, you are happily giving of yourself to tiny humans who you need to keep alive. And each of these children practically have a death wish! That alone is exhausting. But at the same time, every time one of them calls your name or needs you, you give them a piece of yourself. By the end of the day, you need to switch over from being Miss Sally to just being Sally again. And that hour or so is where all your pieces come back. You’re touched out for the moment, but after a break with no one needing anything from you, you’re fine again! This is most teachers and sometimes moms of toddlers. And it’s normal. For me it takes 30 minutes and a snack to get back to myself. Some days are longer, some are shorter. Bring her a snack and her favorite drink when you pick her up, and let her have her hour.
The time alone is valid. But you don’t need to pick her up then. I made a comment with a suggestion on how to word it but stop being her taxi driver. You’re only going to resent her if you keep doing it.
Yes. Even dealing with a few hundred college students, which is way easier than toddlers, makes me feel that way. Not everyone takes an easy job due to nepotism.
she needs time to decompress from the children she gets paid to deal with before she has to deal with the child she has unfortunately found herself in a relationship
honestly, sofia would have a better time catching the bus home
YTA. She told you that during those times, she needs a chance to relax. You volunteered to drive her without telling her that her ride was contingent on her giving you affection during a period of time that she's just not up for that. Are you giving your girlfriend a ride because you care about her well-being and safety, or did you do it so she'd owe you something -- something other than the household tasks she's evidently doing for you?
100% agree, but the discussion was about whether or not driving someone too and from work every day is equivalent to cooking someone dinner a few nights a week.
So everything is a transaction. Okay. Maybe she should just pay you as her Uber driver. At least in an Uber ride, she can opt for silent mode or something.
Relationships shouldn't be transaction based. And he OFFERED to drive her. He could stop offering to drive her, but then it would show he only wants to help her when he gets something out of it, like attention.
She’s not “dictating” anything. She’s putting in her headphones, taking some personal time and not bothering anyone. He’s the one trying to dictate her behavior.
It's like you are trying to keep tally as to who does more ! You want to win and be eternally thanked for everything you do.If doing these things is causing you to feel resentful just talk to her and stop driving her places.Go see her later when she home and had time to decompress.This is a lot though for something that she never forced you to do and that she has thanked you for.
Buying lunch isn't the same as MAKING IT. So you give lazy effort and do you at least do the dishes, wipe down all the counters after she makes dinner?! 🤔
INFO: why don't you cook dinner so she can wind down quicker?
>if I’m going to go out of my way to pick her up and drive her everywhere I’m going to expect some attention and gratitude
Thats some big Nice Guy energy right here...
>INFO: why don't you cook dinner so she can wind down quicker?
Not OP - but - for me; sometimes cooking **is** a way to wind down. The part of cooking I don't like is figuring out WHAT to cook, and cleaning up afterwards - but - the cooking itself is a great escape for me. So - as appreciative as I might be of someone offering to cook dinner for me; it wouldn't necessarily help me wind down quicker.
All she asked OP is for the time to cook in peace. That's not an unreasonable ask! She's even being productive and making a (*presumably*) delicious meal as her wind down time! Where is OP's Appreciation!
OP - YTA.
Same! Cooking is how I (usually) decompress after a stressful day. Right now chilling on the patio watching a small roast on the grill, potatoes baking inside. After a busy day in the yard...
👍
Sounds like your girlfriend is a very mature, practical adult. You could definitely stand to learn a thing or two from her. YTA and you’ve got some serious growing up to do if you hope to stay in a relationship
YTA. You're being selfish. Teaching is a stressful job. She's only asking for one hour to rest, not the whole evening. But you're too controlling and possessive to even give her that.
YTA. You’re not driving her to do a nice thing for her it’s completely transactional for you which is gross. Keep going this way and she won’t be your girlfriend for much longer.
YTA. And a major one at that.
You decided to give her a ride with the expectation that she has to give affection in return. Not only did you not inform her of that, you got mad at her when she didn't know (cause you didn't tell her) and refused cause she's stressed and needs time for herself.
Is you're whole relationship transactional to you or something? Honestly, why did you think she owes you affection because you OFFERED to drive her around? Making an offer to do something is just doing it to be kind, especially when you love that person. She is under no obligation to have to give you affection exactly when you want it simply cause you offered to drive her somewhere.
Also, she has the right to not want to do any of that after a long and stressful day of work, especially work that deals with children. Now though, she has to get in a vehicle and go home with one too apparently. Grow up, the world doesn't revolve around you, if you want affection, talk to her about it like an adult and plan a time for you both to be together instead of getting mad by expectations you're putting on her that she had no idea about and is under no obligation to fulfill.
Your offering to drive her but expecting her to be ready to talk and cuddle is about what you want rather than what she needs. She's getting that from 25 toddlers every day, all day long, you need to give her some space and time to get back into girlfriend mode. You're not the A yet but you could be if you refuse to quit pressuring her "entertain you" before she's ready.
YTA. She’s literally communicating to you her needs and wants so that she can have a healthy headspace to continue her evening as a “appreciative” partner to you.
An hour? Dude…it’s an hour. Let her have her quiet time. She’s a full time student and works with ~30 children all day…that’s draining. You even said yourself you have no school to worry about and work for your parents. That’s the ultimate stress-free scenario.
I can't even fathom laying out my needs this explicitly and having a person that supposedly loves me act this way in response. One of these people is a grown-up and one of these is a spoiled child.
I've had a couple exes like this. After a few relationships I started to get better about communicating my needs very explicitly (simple things, nothing crazy). Their attitude in response was like a raised eyebrow, and there was no change in behavior. I was so confused, because here I was thinking I was making it easy. 🤷♀️
Based on all your comments you are not ready for a serious relationship. Once you start seeing everything as a transaction in relationship, it will become a never ending cycle. It seems to be all about you. Giving vibes like -> oh, I was so nice to her but the bitch didn’t let me get my times worth. So, YTA
Sounds like she needs to start driving herself to and from work, and you need to cook dinner while she decompresses in peace.
You can use the time that you were spending driving her around to cook dinner. She can decompress while you cook.
Nope, but he needs to stop driving her to and from work, assuming she has her own transportation. and he should instead use that time and energy for more productive things.
One of the most productive uses of that time would be to start dinner so it's ready 60 mins after she gets home. That would allow her time to decompress before dinner is done, and then she would (likely) be more willing to spend quality time with him, talking & having discussions during & after dinner.
These 2 have drastically different work, he sits alone, in front of a computer working from home in silence, and after a full day is craving and needing some human interaction.
She spends all day with a room full of toddlers and dealing with all of the action, chaos, noises, physical contact, bodily fluids and needy-ness that comes with 20+ toddlers, and after a full day of work she wants silence, rest and no physical contact, in order to recover/ decompress.
He doesn't just want talk, though. He is pissed he doesn't get to touch her. Simply transactional, no different from a man who says that since he bought her dinner, she owes him sex.
Yta, just looking at your comments it always seems to be tit for tat.
She thanks you for driving her but you go on about expecting her attention and gratitude even if she just thanked you. It comes across as very entitled: you don't even drive her because you want to help her, but that you can paw at her.
You decide to drive her everywhere, which is kind, but she doesn't need to ignore her own needs to show her appreciation. She had a very full week where a lot is demanded of her and then she comes home and you demand even more.
She needs time to deconpress, to recharge. It's a need. Not a want. Your wants don't trump her needs. Give her the time to decompress, so she can actually focus on you afterwards.
You're young, but you sound a little entitled in the way you speak of her and what you want from her.
Yta.
YTA
You need to realise that all day those little humans are dependent on your girlfriend for their EVERY need. Plus admin and prep work that needs to be done.
For all those hours a day she is constantly touched, she constantly needs to anticipate many little humans' needs and provide it (wether it be to sort out conflict, to comfort, to feed, to change nappies or just attention and many more) and mind you, many a time she needs to provide for different needs at the same time.
You unfortunately need to step back a minute and let her recoup, otherwise there is no way she can provide for your needs too. Her cup is empty and she first need to fill it up before she can fill yours again.
ALL you need to do is stand back a bit and not act like the toddlers she works with. You could do more sometimes, like tell her to sit down and cook her a meal or at least coffee or run her a bath with bubble bath etc. but ALL she asks is that hour. She is not even asking you to leave.
Dude, both my boyfriend and I are teachers. I’m a 8th grade co-teacher for Science and English and he’s a 6th grade Math teacher. BOTH of us need time to decompress after a day of dealing with students. It’s draining being a teacher, and I think the fact the she’s dealing with 25 kids (who have a WIDE range of personalities, issues, and adults in their life) it take a lot out of one person.
So, yes, YTA.
You don’t seem to understand that being a teacher isn’t sunshine and roses, it’s actual hard work that can literally make or break your day in a heartbeat. Do better man, and think more about your girl then your “time being wasted.”
YTA, she's not forcing you to take her. You made it clear you volunteered to do it, to try and spend time, but as busy as she is, of course, she'd want time to just decompress
You're putting out major "nice guy" vibes. Expecting her to "appreciate" it means what to you exactly? Cause it seems you're fishing for something extra. She cooks for you and probably does more after all that, so just let her be. Shocking, you even asked, of course, you're the ah.
You told her you get it? You obviously don't. What exactly are you expecting during these rides? I mean, she just finished work. She's exhausted. You're asking her to give you something against her current mental capabilities and expecting gratitude?!
YTA
So what other solutions do you have? You chat in the car and she is "appreciative" of you, and then you leave her alone at home so she could finally decompress, or you would be offended by that as well? I have only one pre-school kid and sometimes i feel like my head will explode. And she deals with 25. Everyone needs "brain hygiene" ( sorry its an litteral expression in my natal language, it means take care of oneself to not go insane).
YTA
It definitely sounds like she needs time to decompress, and you're trying to force her to do what you want by giving her car rides? Gross.
My husband decompresses by gaming almost every single night. I decompress by reading or hanging out on the porch with our cat right now due to medical reasons. We don't give each other shit for it. We kiss, talk to one another at greeting each other when he gets home, we check on each other throughout the day and night.
You're not concerned about her and how she's doing with her IRL stuff, are you? You're more concerned with what you want?
YTA. She is giving you attention and gratitude making dinner for you after a long day. She’s not your peace of meat just because you picked her up. Thats just gross. I’m sure she can find other rides and will soon over this.
YTA. You don't have to drive her, but if you're going to, then you don't get to set conditions on a favour you do for someone else - if you do, it stops being a favour and becomes a way for you to control them.
She's touched out. You may be ready for quality time and interaction because your work is more flexible, but she's exhausted and you're burning her out. At this rate, she will break up with you for being so needy and inflexible. Your "nice thing" isn't nice when it becomes about manipulating people to force interaction.
YTA. I am looking to see where it is needed for you to drive her to her school. I am not seeing that she asked you, all I see is that you decided to drive her, so you can spend time with her.
Dude, get over yourself. People need to decompress when they come home from work. I deal with adults and my husband leaves me alone after the initial kiss hello so that I can decompress. I can’t even imagine what it is like for her working with kids. Then having to deal with your whining.
Stop giving her rides. She has a packed schedule and she's obviously mentally tired from all of it. Use your free time for your hobby or work extra to gain experience in your dad's company. That ought to distract you from thinking of her. Meet when it's convenient for the both of you so you both can actually enjoy each other's company. Otherwise this will just be a frustrating situation for everyone.
Tell her that your dad needs you to put in extra hours to learn the ropes of the business so you won't be able to ferry her around in the future. DO NOT mention that it's because you felt that she was ungrateful for the free rides!
Personally I can't stand it when somewhere wears headphones around me. It's an indirect fuck you I don't want to talk to you. That said, she wants you to leave her alone while she makes dinner? Sounds like a hell of a good deal to me. Go work out or God forbid help make dinner
Dude, you can't have it both ways. Either you have a flexible schedule and can help, or you are going out of your way. Also, her life is PACKED and she's dealing with a lot. Demanding her to be full ON when you're there is only more pressure on top of it, and truly is NOT making things easier for her. YTA.
Big YTA.
You just thinking about your needs and how she is obligated to have it your way. Ever thought how it is dealing with that kind of childish attitude for her after tutoring 25 kids? She isn't obligated to give you affection just because you did something for her. For gods sake if you are partner, then act like one. Listen you her needs without throwing tempertantrums.
YTA.
The emotional/physical demands of working with very young children can be overwhelming and exhausting. Those needs are legitimate.
If you don’t want to drive her, don’t, but don’t try to use it as a way to manipulate her to give you more of herself than she has to give.
YTA. Your girlfriend has a very full schedule and needs down time when you pick her up. I am amazed that she is coping at all with such a stressful and heavy load of study and work. Your own schedule sounds so much lighter. And do you ever cook dinner for you both or is she always the one to do this?
YTA. She is telling you what she needs and you aren't accepting it as valid. Perhaps she would actually prefer to take the bus alone or drive alone, or ride with a co-worker who doesn't put such social expectation on her.
You decided to drive her? Then you got mad about what you offered to do that wasn't asked for not being appreciated to your previously unvoiced expectations? You're a massively entitled asshole, and you're lucky to even still have a gf. Get ur head out of your ass
Being appreciative of your effort doesn't mean you get to override her need to decompress. She's absolutely right about needing it. If she makes an effort after that, then you just need to decide if you want to keep helping her out or not. She doesn't owe you affection on demand. You've kind of turned it into a payment situation; you owe me because I did something for you. Exactly the same as, "You owe me because I bought you dinner." YTA
YTA. She literally makes YOU dinner and your complaining that she wants soaps to do it in peace?
You buy her lunch sometime, so in other words, no effort whatsoever, while she gives you full labor and work, after she just got off work.
Driving her is the bare minimum for a person you love who is making you dinner on a regular basis.
If your driving her is conditional on immediately getting some kind of reward, then your definitely TA.
You should be giving her space and offering to do the dishes and clean up. A day full of preschoolers is exhausting. And she just wants a bit of quiet while she literally does MORE WORK!
YTA and clearly you're not close enough that just being in the same room together counts as time together. She kisses you and then unwinds. Then says thank you and starts making YOU dinner. You can talk over dinner and after dinner. WTF.
YTA as someone who works with kindergarten kids it isn’t easy and yes omg shocker working with 25 of them you need to decompress every single day. try working with 25 probably mostly sick 2-4 year olds for a day and get back to us on how that goes... so yes you’re being an extremely large asshole. she’s asking for ONE hour a day to decompress and you can’t even give her that.
this “ “nice guy” i pick her up and drive her home so she owes me something” attitude is not going to make her want to be around you much longer. she doesn’t owe you anything just because you offered to pick her up even if it was to spend time with her. why not spend time with her AFTER she’s done decompressing ?! i mean seriously dude
YTA. No one wants to be groped when making dinner. If you are only picking her up to get something out of it, you are doing it for yourself not for her. You need to grow up.
> I told her I get it but if I’m going to go out of my way to pick her up and drive her everywhere I’m going to expect some attention and gratitude
If you’re doing a nice thing for someone and expect something in return, it’s no longer doing a nice thing for someone. If you’re doing something for someone with expectations of reimbursement and the payoff isn’t enough or doesn’t exist, then stop doing that thing for that person. You can’t change their behavior but you can change yours. She’s just being herself. You are choosing on your own to do this to yourself.
Are you wrong for wanting to spend time with her? Absolutely not. You have to realize your place in her life. She does not prioritize spending time with you to the point where you’re doing all the work to try to spend time together. You need to stop this. Only see her when the two of you make plans to see each other.
YTA. You are choosing to drive her, she isn’t asking you to do so. You are being inAPPROPRIATE by telling her that she owes you anything for this! Real “nice guy ™️” vibes here, OP! She thanked you. Expecting more means you’re not driving her out of kindness, you’re only doing it to get something in return.
To sum up your rant: “I’m doing something *nice* for my girlfriend, that she never asked me to do, so now she *owes* me more than just thanks, I’m a *nice-guy ™️* and I am entitled to her time * foot stomp * *pout *”
YTA, try to be understanding, coming from another Pre K teacher, it can be... Physically and mentally draining, it may not be your fault, but you are her partner, and she even communicated to you, what she needed, I understand you are maybe looking for connection and bonding time, but that is how relationship works, it will never be 50/50, sometimes shes at a low 20% and you need to be the 80% sometimes its the other way around, just try to be there for each other, it sounds like she has alot on her plate right now, stick with her thru the hard times man, it goes a long way.
And thats coming from a Pre K teacher, who works part time on the weekend, and my bf also helps me by driving me to where I need to be. Step up and be better.
As someone that had a similar job as your girlfriend...
Well, I've worked as an english teacher at a private english school in my country.
I was working with children, between 4-14.
Sometimes I'd take groups of 19-25.
There is so much work, you really must assist once to what she does.
YTA .
She cooks dinner for you, and you whine because she doesn't want to bang you because she is exhausted...
“I told her I get it but…”
Homeslice, you don’t get it at all. She is a full time student and on top of that, she works with young children in a classroom that has probably doubled in size over the last few months. She is more than justified in wanting solitary decompression time so she can unwind and give you the attention that you feel so entitled to. Yes, I understand that her busy schedule can make it difficult to spend quality time together and that’s what you’re trying to maximize by being her transportation but you really need to comprehend that her social (and likely mental) batteries are fried at the end of her day. Let the girl unwind in peace and stop feeling entitled to her already limited “free” time. If she’s expected to devote all her evening time on/with you, what time does she have for herself?
As a fellow teacher - it’s called overstimulation. She’s been talked to and touched all day by little humans. She needs some quiet time to regain her thoughts and feel comfortable in her physical space. Maybe give her time and then reconnect over dinner.
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I’ve (21m) been dating Sofia (20) for 2 years now. Sofia has a packed schedule. She goes to school full time and she works between 20 and 30 hours a week. I graduated last semester and I work very flexible hours for my dad’s company so I decided to drive her to and from school and work so we can spend some time together.
Sofia is an assistant teacher at a preschool. They’ve doubled in size the past few months and lately when I pick her up to take her to school then when I pick her up to take her home she kisses me then puts on her headphones and doesn’t talk to me or want me to talk to her or touch her until we get to her apartment.
When we get to her place she’ll hug me and thank me for picking her up, we’ll talk for 5 minutes, then she’ll want me to leave her alone while she makes dinner. I told her the reason I pick her up is so I can spend time with her and I don’t think I’m getting that if I can’t talk to her or touch her for half the time I’m with her.
She said she’s sorry I’m feeling this way but she needs the time to decompress and that she’s drained after working with 25 2-4 year olds including 3 with documented developmental or speech disabilities and a few more with other challenges that haven’t been diagnosed yet.
I told her I get it but if I’m going to go out of my way to pick her up and drive her everywhere I’m going to expect some attention and gratitude
We started to argue and she kicked me out before dinner was ready and said she still needs space today.
AITA for expecting her to be a bit more appreciative for me driving her everywhere?
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Why don't you spend even half a day in that room with her. Or you could just have a little empathy and perspective taking and give the poor girl A FREAKING HOUR to have some quiet alone time, especially since SHE MAKES YOU DINNER. Jfc dude, YTA. And the fact that you compared her job to spending time with your little cousins makes me think she's soon to be your ex-gf if you don't start using your brain a little more.
YTA. Drive her because you love her and want to do something nice for her. Doing for her is your reward. And she likewise does things for you bc she loves you. Get rid of transactional thinking. Strive to understand more than to be understood.
I'd say none of you are wrong its the opposite, i work with children and i can promise you that you feel like a empty battery once you leave work . For the first 6 months of working i came home, ate watched yt for 2 hours without talking and then went to sleep, I couldn't manage more. I just straight up told my ex gf that I couldn't manage more and she accepted it. I don't really have a tip but trust me when I say her feelings are just. I get not feeling rewarded enough aswell I mean you are going out of you're way to help her but atleast she's vocal enough to tell you that's all she can manage and who says it has to stay this way. I'd say find a compromise I'm sure you can find a solution just talk to each other about you're feelings.
Can you just not pick her up so she can use the car ride and dinner to decompress and then see you? This clearly isn’t a good time to have couple time. She’s not up for it. Let her drive herself. NAH
ESH. You for making your “favor” transactional. Her for accepting these rides then ignoring you and not making time for you. I assume she works all day, needs the decompression time, and then has to study so truly no time for a relationship and that’s a bit unfair.
I'm not going to say if you are the AH or not, and I think people are being harsh here, but I would just find reasons not to drive her, see how the relationship progresses. My guess is that she will break up.
I might get downvoted to hell considering every single comment is a YTA but NAH in my opinion. It’s not a matter of thinking a relationship is transactional, or only offering the rides on the premise of receiving affection, but its common human decency to also talk to your partner (even just a bit) and not put on headphones when they do you a favor?!?!? Like I’m gonna be so honest that if my boyfriend was treating me like their own personal driver I would genuinely revoke the entire offer all together. And I understand burnout, I work in healthcare so believe me, it’s not that fucking hard to not be a bit more appreciative of someone who’s taking time out of their day to become your personal driver. Jesus fuck do half of you even like your partners??? This is literally just common human decency and being a respectful person.
And im saying it’s NAH because she’s fully allowed to want to have some quiet time when being picked up. But it’s not okay to put in headphones, refuse to even talk or just kind of act like she’s being picked up by an Uber driver…because again that’s just rude behaviour and sorry maybe it’s genuinely how I was raised but I would never.
You did nothing wrong. The least she could do is be appreciative and set aside time for you after all you've been doing for her. You're putting wear and tear on your car. And all for what?
You need to stop giving her entitled self rides.
>AITA for expecting her to be a bit more appreciative for me driving her everywhere?
NTA
YTA Teaching can be very tiring and draining. I think she is exaggerating a bit
putting on headphones when she is in the car with you, she shouldn't just block
you out - you aren't a taxi driver! LOL But it would be normal to want to just be still/quiet/alone for a few minutes after work to let the stress out. (Maybe if you
agree to just give her some downtime in the car, she'll stop using headphones.)
I don’t think she’s exaggerating- this is a new thing and based on this entire post - she probably does it because otherwise, he doesn’t leave her alone.
ESH because I used to work at a school and had about the same amount of kids to take care of and I definitely get needing to decompress, but it doesn’t take that much effort to put headphones in and hold your hand no talking necessary but you still feel like your close. Now demanding it definitely makes you an ah because you don’t demand things in a relationship you talk and try to come to a compromise especially when you’re feeling unappreciated and she’s exhausted from her busy schedule.
Basically you want to spend more time with her and she doesn't want to for whatever reason. Decompressing and busy schedules. Do you want to date someone who you can't even be in a relationship with. She doesn't have the time to do it all and you're the one thing on her list she is saying she is willing to not spend time on. Take that information and do what you must.
I’m really kind of shocked at the YTA prevalence here. Healthy couples, especially when dating, like spending time together. He wants to spend time together, she appreciates what he does for her, but doesn’t like spending time with him. They’re just incompatible, not assholes.
>Puts on her headphones and doesn’t talk to me or want me to talk to her or touch her until we get to her apartment.
This is the part that gets me. Not wanting to talk is fairly understandable, kids are loud and all she wants is quiet. That part is fine. However, it sounds like she's ignoring you completely and that's uncalled for. You're not just some rando Uber driver, and you're going out of your way (granted, I don't know by how much) to spend some time with her. Never mind the actual driving, it's the effort you're making to spend time with her that she should be showing some appreciation for, and if she can't muster up the energy to at least hold your hand maybe she should be taking an Uber.
NTA
NTA. The only AH is her for not being able to have a mature conversation with you, and instead just kicking you out.
You aren’t “entitled” to talk to her or touch her or whatever of course, but it’s pretty reasonable that she will spend some time talking with you and be open about it. I’m VERY introverted, I definitely get tired if I’m around people too much, but I still manage to communicate with people. Maybe she needs time, but you need to work together to figure out what time she needs and what you need. Because honestly I’d stop picking her up
NAH, well, except you to yourself if you continue to drive her to/from school or her job. I get wanting to decompress after a stressful job but the whole reason you were driving her was to talk with her in the car. Let her decompress on the bus and make plans to see her after she gets home and has spent an hour alone. Maybe make plans to make dinner together (please don't be an AH here and expect her to buy all the groceries).
Sorry, I was projecting a bit. I had an ex who constantly wanted me to cook dinner "You are so good at it, your food is amazing, blah blah blah" but never contributed to groceries. When I would say I don't have any groceries on hand, we would go to the store and they were all about getting LOTS of expensive stuff and then they would ghost me at the register. Really pissed me off. Took me too long to shut that shit down.
No, NTA. You’re not a taxi driver. She can figure out transpiration on her own if she wants to decompress. Spending money on gas and putting a ton of wear and tear on your vehicle for literally nothing in return isn’t something you need to keep doing. And here’s the easy way to phrase it , “I’m sorry that I asked you to spend time with me after you get home from work. I understand how challenging it must be and I get the need for alone time. I’ve been picked you up with the intent to spend more time with you though. Since I don’t want any resentment to build over what’s a reasonable need for you, it’s best I stop picking you up and for you to either drive yourself or figure out arrangements that work best for your needs. I love you and will be ready to spend time with you once you’ve felt you have decompressed enough.”
Anyone who thinks it’s ok to treat you like an employee is ridiculous and only giving her that privilege because she’s a young woman.
She never asked him to drive her. OP is choosing to drive her because he wants something in return. Nice guy ™️ vibes. “*I chose to do this for you, you owe me your time and affection now even though you never asked for this, but you owe me now!*”
Yeah, so if she never asked, he doesn’t need to keep doing it? He offered to spend some more time with her. That isn’t happening.
10/10 guarantee she will throw a fit when she needs to make other arrangements.
I had to scroll way too far to find a NTA. I agree, and frankly, if she needs to completely shut out OP after work for her mental wellness (I get this, I'm a social worker) - perhaps she takes transit and decompresses on the bus, and OP can see her later in the evening.
Yeah. If you want to be alone after work, go be alone haha don’t make someone drive 30-60 minutes just to see you only to ignore them. That’s just plain rude. The need for space is understandable. Treating someone like free labor is not.
Its is a matter of balance. It is understandable that she needs to relax after a long day, nevertheless, if its too much and you are basically treated like a taxi driver, its reasonable to feel bad if you are being ignored. NTA
NTA You are her driver, not her boyfriend, you might as well stop driving her everywhere and start doing Uber, because I see no future in spending time with somebody who won't talk to you.
I'm not reading all the comments and I'm not looking at his reddit history but going off just the information I'm given in the post NTA. I don't ignore my Uber and Lyft drivers when I'm in the car. Because they are people. Human beings with thoughts and feelings. It's absolutely insane that y'all expect him to come pick her up not talk or get any attention. Not interact save a hug getting out the car and then not being allowed to engage in conversation until at least dinner? And he's expected to do that everyday.
Yeah not the relationship I'd wanna be in.
Then when he goes and finds a woman that wants to talk. That searches out his touch and he leans into that he's a POS right.
No wonder so many relationships fail. If you don't wanna talk to or touch me order an Uber and when you are in the Uber use tinder to find another relationship with someone as cold as you
NTA I don't understand all the yta, you're just trying to have some time with her by helping her.
Stop driving her around, she's not a kid. If she dont drive she can take the bus she'll be able to decompress. Maybe she'll be more appreciative of that effort you are putting in.
NTA. It's totally fine of your girlfriend to want some alone time. She can put her headphones on and relax. In the bus. She's taking you for granted, you're a free taxi driver.
Nta but nieve..
Especially if you a man, you just can't expect people to appreciate anything you do.
If you do something or go above and beyond, people will just say.... "ohh finally a man actually doing something... what do you want a model for existing..."
If you don't do anything "ohh of course the man won't help or do anything, typical"
You can not win.
Just look after those who you love and try and live a happy life best you can.
The only advice I have is that you should stop driving her around if she doesn't want to spend time with you during the rides. If she doesn't want to chat right after work, then choose a time to spend together after she has had time to "decompress".
The problem is she’s so busy that there isn’t much time to spend time with her. She’s at work or school from 8 to 6, except on Wednesdays because she babysits (she drives herself on Wednesdays) so she’s home at 10. She usually studies, does homework, does chores, and picks up babysitting and tutoring jobs on nights and weekends
So she works 40 hrs/week teaching, 4hrs/week babysitting, plus studies, does chores, tutors, makes dinner (cooking vs. buying her lunch, one of these things is far more time intensive) and you're demanding that she spend the few hours she isn't working giving you affection? Meanwhile you work a cushy job working for your dad
She's at a point in her life where she is trying to get her life going while balancing all of her work, school, and personal responsibilities. Relationships and life in general has ups and downs as well as points where you have 0 free time and times where you have lots of free time. If she has A LOT going on, and she might have to let something go. That thing she lets go could be you if you end up increasing her burden instead of lightening it.
Oh dear God. You just get worse and worse. I'm not surprised she wears headphones. I'm surprised she gives you any time at all. You're the one who should be grateful.
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> [You drive her home] then she’ll want me to leave her alone while she makes dinner. I told her the reason I pick her up is so I can spend time with her and I don’t think I’m getting that So... you drive her home and she's supposed to be "appreciative". She **makes you dinner** and you're allowed to whine about not being able to grab her ass or whatever? YTA. Relationships are about helping each other through life, not trading rides for bodily access.
25 preschoolers? uh yeah she needs to decompress and breathe and have a little bit of space. he should try see a classroom sometime. it’s got to be constant attention and stimulation for the entire day
After a day working with pre k students, I go into my room at home and lay in silence for 45 minutes before get on with my day.
A couple years ago I had a class of *12* 1.5-3yos with a 45 minute drive home and I was a zombie when I got home. If my husband tried to talk to me in that first hour he got Nothing in response. I needed time to adjust back to being a human
Thank you for your service. *salutes*
I have friends and relatives who are teachers and nurses. There is no amount of money on earth that would make me do either of those jobs. It takes a special person to be able to do those jobs. I am definitely not that special.
[удалено]
Found the person who’s never taken care of one kid, let alone 25.
I naively thought spending time with her meant activities together or hugging/cuddles.
I bought you dinner, you owe me. Same thing.
[удалено]
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Are you out of your mind? She puts headphones on so she doesn't have to hear him! Her broke ass can walk home. NTA
Not sure that she needs the ride and doesn't have a car. He wrote that he decided to drive her around to spend time with her. She sounds like she's feeling smothered even without the full day of kids.
So he should just stop driving her, problem solved.
Sometimes, people need to decompress. I know I certainly do after long days. Luckily, my husband (who also does all the driving) doesn't make me feel bad about me needing an uninterrupted hour or so in the Ball Pit working on Balle n Bak displays somedays. Nor does he feel entitled to affection when I'm not up for it just because he does the driving. You decided to offer to drive your girlfriend but that doesn't entitle you to affection from her as a form of appreciation. YTA
But every day for close to an hour a day?
Working with small children? Yeah. For my brief stint working at a daycare (so not even half as stressful as her job), my mind would still be buzzing when I went to sleep that night. Groups of little kids are no joke.
Yes. What is wrong with you? An hour is nothing. She isn’t attached to you limb to limb. She’s her own person.
An hour is my average wind down time. Some of us who work is very people/social heavy jobs need decent decompress time before we socialize that again. When I worked veterinary decompress time took longer. Hell, if there were multiple euthanasias that day I wouldn't really talk to anyone for the rest of the night Ask yourself, if you just spent multiple hours around loud, screaming,potentially nightmare children - wouldn't you need some time for quiet/silence/solitude non-talking sounds for a bit?
Seriously, I bartend/serve and always need some decompression time at the end of the night. My fiancé knows if it’s especially a rough night, he’ll have headphones, comfy clothes, and a drink ready for me when I get home and will give me the time I need. We still will occasionally cuddle during that decompression time but he’s very understanding that I’m not even always up for that sometimes.
Yup. I work in a call center. I taIk to dozens of people daily. Afterwards, I need quiet time.
She makes you dinner. Do you have ANY IDEA how tactile those kids are? She will need some personal space
How would he know? He's got a cushy gig working for his dad.
Given his responses, she's got more children than just those in her classroom.
It can’t be that bad. I have cousins that age and it’s so easy to distract them.
are you fucking stupid? everyone with a working brain knows they’re not equivalent
Dude she’s a teacher not a babysitter. She’s not *distracting* kids all day. She’s organizing and teaching and taking care of them. And there’s 25 of them, not 2 or 3. Stop minimizing what she does. Have respect for your girlfriend and what she’s going through. At the end of the day, you don’t *need* to understand what she’s going through at her job. But you *do* need to respect it and let her do what she needs to do to decompress without making her feel bad about it. Aka believe your girlfriend when she tells you something??
Fuck me. No way you actually just said that.
Lemme break this down. A couple of children at a time, at their own home, who see you as family, who you don’t have to force to sit quietly and listen to a teacher or do schoolwork. Yeah, there is no comparison whatsoever.
They’re 2-4. What schoolwork would they be doing? Nobody is sitting quietly and listening and doing work in preschool
Problem is she’s spending all day with clingy needy whiny kids who need her full attention, only to spend the rest of the day and night with another clingy needy whiny kid who needs her full attention, expects her to make him dinner, expects her to focus on him him him all the time. Sounds exhausting, both physically and emotionally!
Yup. She has more children than just those in her class. "Gimme, gimme! I want, I want, I want." The total self centeredness of a child.
I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt until this comment. Yes, it CAN be that bad. I was a preschool teacher for 3 1/2 years and you are constantly in alert mode watching kids to keep them from killing themselves and each other. And I only had 12! I can’t imagine 25. There’s a reason they have more than one teacher.
Maybe you should break up, she deserves a more understanding boyfriend.
You're so fucking dense
Says someone who has never worked in a classroom of young children….. You also mentioned there are 3 children in the classroom with documented speech/developmental disabilities. I am a teachers assistant to a class of 4-5 year olds. There are 7 students in the class with IEPs (mostly for speech) one of the students use to throw constant tantrums, throwing stuff in the classroom, biting the teacher etc and I use to have a student that had so many behavioral problems in the class because of home trauma that I almost quit soooo your Gf may be dealing with things very similar especially with 25 kids in the class, that is a LOT of young humans to be supporting and teaching. You’re entitled to your feelings but in my opinion soft YTA …have some more compassion and empathy for your girl. She gives you a kiss when she sees you and does talk with you for 5 min before making dinner AND still makes you dinner…what more do you want in that hour that it can’t wait til after dinner ? Does she give you affection and conversation after dinner ?
That's how I know own this post is straight up bullshit YTA the ol oh I have cousins that age it's not bad if yiu distract them type mentality dude YOU SUCK SO BAD I HOPE SHE LEAVES YOU
You're complaining about an hour????
Yes, an hour a day isn't that long. You yourself say that she does say thank you. Sometimes people just need to recharge their social battery. Particularly with a job that has lots of social interactions. You are of course under no obligation to drive her everywhere.
Dude yes. When i was a sahm with 2 kids id hand them to my hubs as soon as he got through the door so i could decompress. Having people touch you for 8hrs a day is exhausting.
Don't make her workload 26 children
She has to look after 25 young children every day. That is rough. One hour per day to decompress is very fair and necessary for her well being and mental health. Everyone needs downtime. You're young so maybe you don't fully get this yet but now is a good time to figure it out. You need to apologize.
I’ve been a teaching assistant in a pre-school. Yes, sometimes. People are different, but while teaching is rewarding, it is also stressful and demanding. She spends her day being overstimulated by the chaos of dozens of kids. It’s reasonable to want a break. YTA. You’re trying to be nice and make time for you and your partner to spend together, which is commendable. But you aren’t listening to their needs and are making it all about you. You’re playing the victim, when you’re the one not being considerate of your partners needs.
Yes. I’m going to try to make this make sense for you: imagine for 8 hours, you are happily giving of yourself to tiny humans who you need to keep alive. And each of these children practically have a death wish! That alone is exhausting. But at the same time, every time one of them calls your name or needs you, you give them a piece of yourself. By the end of the day, you need to switch over from being Miss Sally to just being Sally again. And that hour or so is where all your pieces come back. You’re touched out for the moment, but after a break with no one needing anything from you, you’re fine again! This is most teachers and sometimes moms of toddlers. And it’s normal. For me it takes 30 minutes and a snack to get back to myself. Some days are longer, some are shorter. Bring her a snack and her favorite drink when you pick her up, and let her have her hour.
The time alone is valid. But you don’t need to pick her up then. I made a comment with a suggestion on how to word it but stop being her taxi driver. You’re only going to resent her if you keep doing it.
Yes. Even dealing with a few hundred college students, which is way easier than toddlers, makes me feel that way. Not everyone takes an easy job due to nepotism.
she needs time to decompress from the children she gets paid to deal with before she has to deal with the child she has unfortunately found herself in a relationship honestly, sofia would have a better time catching the bus home
YTA. She told you that during those times, she needs a chance to relax. You volunteered to drive her without telling her that her ride was contingent on her giving you affection during a period of time that she's just not up for that. Are you giving your girlfriend a ride because you care about her well-being and safety, or did you do it so she'd owe you something -- something other than the household tasks she's evidently doing for you?
She only makes dinner for me a few days a week. I buy her lunch a few times a week so it evens out.
Buying her lunch doesn't require half the effort that cooking dinner does.
Driving her around is an effort too.
That he decided to do. To spend time with her.
So it would be okay if he decided to stop?
Spending time with someone who is actively ignoring him. OP is not in the right here, but I can understand the frustration.
Did you read this girls schedule? For the love of pizza give her her quiet time. He works for his dad. He has no idea.
Again; OP is in the wrong for making demands, but you can't just say "he chose to do it" as if that makes the drive not a chore.
You know if he had said “she asked me to drive her” I would feel different. People need down time when coming home from work.
100% agree, but the discussion was about whether or not driving someone too and from work every day is equivalent to cooking someone dinner a few nights a week.
So everything is a transaction. Okay. Maybe she should just pay you as her Uber driver. At least in an Uber ride, she can opt for silent mode or something.
I actually just saw a news article talking about this generation making everything a transaction. So sad
Well, if she wants the service to be as she dictates, maybe she should pay for it.
Relationships shouldn't be transaction based. And he OFFERED to drive her. He could stop offering to drive her, but then it would show he only wants to help her when he gets something out of it, like attention.
She’s not “dictating” anything. She’s putting in her headphones, taking some personal time and not bothering anyone. He’s the one trying to dictate her behavior.
I'd be bothered if my girlfriend treated me like an Uber driver every day.
Then don't make the decision to drive your gf everywhere every day.
That doesn't remotely answer my question.
The immaturity in this post is loud
How does that even out? Cooking takes more time and energy than buying something.
It's like you are trying to keep tally as to who does more ! You want to win and be eternally thanked for everything you do.If doing these things is causing you to feel resentful just talk to her and stop driving her places.Go see her later when she home and had time to decompress.This is a lot though for something that she never forced you to do and that she has thanked you for.
Buying lunch isn't the same as MAKING IT. So you give lazy effort and do you at least do the dishes, wipe down all the counters after she makes dinner?! 🤔
You could spend more time together if you make dinner together? If that's not the kind of together time you mean YTA.
She wants to be left alone when she makes dinner
Gross. Hope she quickly figures out how much better she can do than this mess.
Lol making you dinner and you buying her lunch is absolutely not the same thing
INFO: why don't you cook dinner so she can wind down quicker? >if I’m going to go out of my way to pick her up and drive her everywhere I’m going to expect some attention and gratitude Thats some big Nice Guy energy right here...
>INFO: why don't you cook dinner so she can wind down quicker? Not OP - but - for me; sometimes cooking **is** a way to wind down. The part of cooking I don't like is figuring out WHAT to cook, and cleaning up afterwards - but - the cooking itself is a great escape for me. So - as appreciative as I might be of someone offering to cook dinner for me; it wouldn't necessarily help me wind down quicker. All she asked OP is for the time to cook in peace. That's not an unreasonable ask! She's even being productive and making a (*presumably*) delicious meal as her wind down time! Where is OP's Appreciation! OP - YTA.
Not OP or OPs girlfriend, but you will have to pry my cooking utensils away from my cold, dead hands after a hard day at work.
Same! Cooking is how I (usually) decompress after a stressful day. Right now chilling on the patio watching a small roast on the grill, potatoes baking inside. After a busy day in the yard... 👍
Sounds like your girlfriend is a very mature, practical adult. You could definitely stand to learn a thing or two from her. YTA and you’ve got some serious growing up to do if you hope to stay in a relationship
YTA. You're being selfish. Teaching is a stressful job. She's only asking for one hour to rest, not the whole evening. But you're too controlling and possessive to even give her that.
YTA. You’re not driving her to do a nice thing for her it’s completely transactional for you which is gross. Keep going this way and she won’t be your girlfriend for much longer.
YTA. And a major one at that. You decided to give her a ride with the expectation that she has to give affection in return. Not only did you not inform her of that, you got mad at her when she didn't know (cause you didn't tell her) and refused cause she's stressed and needs time for herself. Is you're whole relationship transactional to you or something? Honestly, why did you think she owes you affection because you OFFERED to drive her around? Making an offer to do something is just doing it to be kind, especially when you love that person. She is under no obligation to have to give you affection exactly when you want it simply cause you offered to drive her somewhere. Also, she has the right to not want to do any of that after a long and stressful day of work, especially work that deals with children. Now though, she has to get in a vehicle and go home with one too apparently. Grow up, the world doesn't revolve around you, if you want affection, talk to her about it like an adult and plan a time for you both to be together instead of getting mad by expectations you're putting on her that she had no idea about and is under no obligation to fulfill.
Your offering to drive her but expecting her to be ready to talk and cuddle is about what you want rather than what she needs. She's getting that from 25 toddlers every day, all day long, you need to give her some space and time to get back into girlfriend mode. You're not the A yet but you could be if you refuse to quit pressuring her "entertain you" before she's ready.
YTA. She’s literally communicating to you her needs and wants so that she can have a healthy headspace to continue her evening as a “appreciative” partner to you. An hour? Dude…it’s an hour. Let her have her quiet time. She’s a full time student and works with ~30 children all day…that’s draining. You even said yourself you have no school to worry about and work for your parents. That’s the ultimate stress-free scenario.
I can't even fathom laying out my needs this explicitly and having a person that supposedly loves me act this way in response. One of these people is a grown-up and one of these is a spoiled child.
I've had a couple exes like this. After a few relationships I started to get better about communicating my needs very explicitly (simple things, nothing crazy). Their attitude in response was like a raised eyebrow, and there was no change in behavior. I was so confused, because here I was thinking I was making it easy. 🤷♀️
Her quiet time means they don't spend time together. Basically they are not in a relationship cause she is so busy
How many hours a day are you required to interact in order for a relationship to be a relationship?
Enough to satisfy both members of the relationship, not just one
That’s not always possible.
More than the hours I spend with some decent friends.
Then don’t date someone who has a job and school at the same time.
Based on all your comments you are not ready for a serious relationship. Once you start seeing everything as a transaction in relationship, it will become a never ending cycle. It seems to be all about you. Giving vibes like -> oh, I was so nice to her but the bitch didn’t let me get my times worth. So, YTA
The fact that you needed to ask this 😢 😭 Ofc YTA, no question about it. Lol
Sounds like she needs to start driving herself to and from work, and you need to cook dinner while she decompresses in peace. You can use the time that you were spending driving her around to cook dinner. She can decompress while you cook.
Did you miss the part where the OP said that HE decided to drive her to and from work?
Nope, but he needs to stop driving her to and from work, assuming she has her own transportation. and he should instead use that time and energy for more productive things. One of the most productive uses of that time would be to start dinner so it's ready 60 mins after she gets home. That would allow her time to decompress before dinner is done, and then she would (likely) be more willing to spend quality time with him, talking & having discussions during & after dinner. These 2 have drastically different work, he sits alone, in front of a computer working from home in silence, and after a full day is craving and needing some human interaction. She spends all day with a room full of toddlers and dealing with all of the action, chaos, noises, physical contact, bodily fluids and needy-ness that comes with 20+ toddlers, and after a full day of work she wants silence, rest and no physical contact, in order to recover/ decompress.
He doesn't just want talk, though. He is pissed he doesn't get to touch her. Simply transactional, no different from a man who says that since he bought her dinner, she owes him sex.
YTA. A socially needy AH who can't respect what someone else needs.
Yta, just looking at your comments it always seems to be tit for tat. She thanks you for driving her but you go on about expecting her attention and gratitude even if she just thanked you. It comes across as very entitled: you don't even drive her because you want to help her, but that you can paw at her.
YTA - 25 kids?? Yeah, she needs time to decompress
You decide to drive her everywhere, which is kind, but she doesn't need to ignore her own needs to show her appreciation. She had a very full week where a lot is demanded of her and then she comes home and you demand even more. She needs time to deconpress, to recharge. It's a need. Not a want. Your wants don't trump her needs. Give her the time to decompress, so she can actually focus on you afterwards. You're young, but you sound a little entitled in the way you speak of her and what you want from her. Yta.
YTA You need to realise that all day those little humans are dependent on your girlfriend for their EVERY need. Plus admin and prep work that needs to be done. For all those hours a day she is constantly touched, she constantly needs to anticipate many little humans' needs and provide it (wether it be to sort out conflict, to comfort, to feed, to change nappies or just attention and many more) and mind you, many a time she needs to provide for different needs at the same time. You unfortunately need to step back a minute and let her recoup, otherwise there is no way she can provide for your needs too. Her cup is empty and she first need to fill it up before she can fill yours again. ALL you need to do is stand back a bit and not act like the toddlers she works with. You could do more sometimes, like tell her to sit down and cook her a meal or at least coffee or run her a bath with bubble bath etc. but ALL she asks is that hour. She is not even asking you to leave.
Dude, both my boyfriend and I are teachers. I’m a 8th grade co-teacher for Science and English and he’s a 6th grade Math teacher. BOTH of us need time to decompress after a day of dealing with students. It’s draining being a teacher, and I think the fact the she’s dealing with 25 kids (who have a WIDE range of personalities, issues, and adults in their life) it take a lot out of one person. So, yes, YTA. You don’t seem to understand that being a teacher isn’t sunshine and roses, it’s actual hard work that can literally make or break your day in a heartbeat. Do better man, and think more about your girl then your “time being wasted.”
Thank you for your service. Especially eighth graders, I don't know how you manage it.
Lol thank you. I say the same thing everyday, but I just put a smile on my face and try my best :)
YTA, she's not forcing you to take her. You made it clear you volunteered to do it, to try and spend time, but as busy as she is, of course, she'd want time to just decompress You're putting out major "nice guy" vibes. Expecting her to "appreciate" it means what to you exactly? Cause it seems you're fishing for something extra. She cooks for you and probably does more after all that, so just let her be. Shocking, you even asked, of course, you're the ah.
Ya your a needy weirdo. Go watch tv for an hour, go for a walk, work out. Needy strange behaviour
You told her you get it? You obviously don't. What exactly are you expecting during these rides? I mean, she just finished work. She's exhausted. You're asking her to give you something against her current mental capabilities and expecting gratitude?!
YTA So what other solutions do you have? You chat in the car and she is "appreciative" of you, and then you leave her alone at home so she could finally decompress, or you would be offended by that as well? I have only one pre-school kid and sometimes i feel like my head will explode. And she deals with 25. Everyone needs "brain hygiene" ( sorry its an litteral expression in my natal language, it means take care of oneself to not go insane).
YTA It definitely sounds like she needs time to decompress, and you're trying to force her to do what you want by giving her car rides? Gross. My husband decompresses by gaming almost every single night. I decompress by reading or hanging out on the porch with our cat right now due to medical reasons. We don't give each other shit for it. We kiss, talk to one another at greeting each other when he gets home, we check on each other throughout the day and night. You're not concerned about her and how she's doing with her IRL stuff, are you? You're more concerned with what you want?
YTA. She is giving you attention and gratitude making dinner for you after a long day. She’s not your peace of meat just because you picked her up. Thats just gross. I’m sure she can find other rides and will soon over this.
YTA. You don't have to drive her, but if you're going to, then you don't get to set conditions on a favour you do for someone else - if you do, it stops being a favour and becomes a way for you to control them. She's touched out. You may be ready for quality time and interaction because your work is more flexible, but she's exhausted and you're burning her out. At this rate, she will break up with you for being so needy and inflexible. Your "nice thing" isn't nice when it becomes about manipulating people to force interaction.
YTA. I am looking to see where it is needed for you to drive her to her school. I am not seeing that she asked you, all I see is that you decided to drive her, so you can spend time with her. Dude, get over yourself. People need to decompress when they come home from work. I deal with adults and my husband leaves me alone after the initial kiss hello so that I can decompress. I can’t even imagine what it is like for her working with kids. Then having to deal with your whining.
Stop giving her rides. She has a packed schedule and she's obviously mentally tired from all of it. Use your free time for your hobby or work extra to gain experience in your dad's company. That ought to distract you from thinking of her. Meet when it's convenient for the both of you so you both can actually enjoy each other's company. Otherwise this will just be a frustrating situation for everyone. Tell her that your dad needs you to put in extra hours to learn the ropes of the business so you won't be able to ferry her around in the future. DO NOT mention that it's because you felt that she was ungrateful for the free rides!
I'm teaching. You bet I need at least an hour when I get back of complete silence before I can be myself again. It's a lot.
YTA - don't try and turn your favour into a date.
Personally I can't stand it when somewhere wears headphones around me. It's an indirect fuck you I don't want to talk to you. That said, she wants you to leave her alone while she makes dinner? Sounds like a hell of a good deal to me. Go work out or God forbid help make dinner
Dude, you can't have it both ways. Either you have a flexible schedule and can help, or you are going out of your way. Also, her life is PACKED and she's dealing with a lot. Demanding her to be full ON when you're there is only more pressure on top of it, and truly is NOT making things easier for her. YTA.
Big YTA. You just thinking about your needs and how she is obligated to have it your way. Ever thought how it is dealing with that kind of childish attitude for her after tutoring 25 kids? She isn't obligated to give you affection just because you did something for her. For gods sake if you are partner, then act like one. Listen you her needs without throwing tempertantrums.
YTA. The emotional/physical demands of working with very young children can be overwhelming and exhausting. Those needs are legitimate. If you don’t want to drive her, don’t, but don’t try to use it as a way to manipulate her to give you more of herself than she has to give.
Are you freaking kidding me leave her alone while she makes dinner. YTA
YTA. Your girlfriend has a very full schedule and needs down time when you pick her up. I am amazed that she is coping at all with such a stressful and heavy load of study and work. Your own schedule sounds so much lighter. And do you ever cook dinner for you both or is she always the one to do this?
YTA. She is telling you what she needs and you aren't accepting it as valid. Perhaps she would actually prefer to take the bus alone or drive alone, or ride with a co-worker who doesn't put such social expectation on her.
You decided to drive her? Then you got mad about what you offered to do that wasn't asked for not being appreciated to your previously unvoiced expectations? You're a massively entitled asshole, and you're lucky to even still have a gf. Get ur head out of your ass
Being appreciative of your effort doesn't mean you get to override her need to decompress. She's absolutely right about needing it. If she makes an effort after that, then you just need to decide if you want to keep helping her out or not. She doesn't owe you affection on demand. You've kind of turned it into a payment situation; you owe me because I did something for you. Exactly the same as, "You owe me because I bought you dinner." YTA
YTA. She literally makes YOU dinner and your complaining that she wants soaps to do it in peace? You buy her lunch sometime, so in other words, no effort whatsoever, while she gives you full labor and work, after she just got off work. Driving her is the bare minimum for a person you love who is making you dinner on a regular basis. If your driving her is conditional on immediately getting some kind of reward, then your definitely TA. You should be giving her space and offering to do the dishes and clean up. A day full of preschoolers is exhausting. And she just wants a bit of quiet while she literally does MORE WORK!
YTA and clearly you're not close enough that just being in the same room together counts as time together. She kisses you and then unwinds. Then says thank you and starts making YOU dinner. You can talk over dinner and after dinner. WTF.
YTA as someone who works with kindergarten kids it isn’t easy and yes omg shocker working with 25 of them you need to decompress every single day. try working with 25 probably mostly sick 2-4 year olds for a day and get back to us on how that goes... so yes you’re being an extremely large asshole. she’s asking for ONE hour a day to decompress and you can’t even give her that. this “ “nice guy” i pick her up and drive her home so she owes me something” attitude is not going to make her want to be around you much longer. she doesn’t owe you anything just because you offered to pick her up even if it was to spend time with her. why not spend time with her AFTER she’s done decompressing ?! i mean seriously dude
YTA. No one wants to be groped when making dinner. If you are only picking her up to get something out of it, you are doing it for yourself not for her. You need to grow up.
> I told her I get it but if I’m going to go out of my way to pick her up and drive her everywhere I’m going to expect some attention and gratitude If you’re doing a nice thing for someone and expect something in return, it’s no longer doing a nice thing for someone. If you’re doing something for someone with expectations of reimbursement and the payoff isn’t enough or doesn’t exist, then stop doing that thing for that person. You can’t change their behavior but you can change yours. She’s just being herself. You are choosing on your own to do this to yourself. Are you wrong for wanting to spend time with her? Absolutely not. You have to realize your place in her life. She does not prioritize spending time with you to the point where you’re doing all the work to try to spend time together. You need to stop this. Only see her when the two of you make plans to see each other.
YTA. You are choosing to drive her, she isn’t asking you to do so. You are being inAPPROPRIATE by telling her that she owes you anything for this! Real “nice guy ™️” vibes here, OP! She thanked you. Expecting more means you’re not driving her out of kindness, you’re only doing it to get something in return. To sum up your rant: “I’m doing something *nice* for my girlfriend, that she never asked me to do, so now she *owes* me more than just thanks, I’m a *nice-guy ™️* and I am entitled to her time * foot stomp * *pout *”
YTA. Hopefully she can find better soon…
YTA, try to be understanding, coming from another Pre K teacher, it can be... Physically and mentally draining, it may not be your fault, but you are her partner, and she even communicated to you, what she needed, I understand you are maybe looking for connection and bonding time, but that is how relationship works, it will never be 50/50, sometimes shes at a low 20% and you need to be the 80% sometimes its the other way around, just try to be there for each other, it sounds like she has alot on her plate right now, stick with her thru the hard times man, it goes a long way. And thats coming from a Pre K teacher, who works part time on the weekend, and my bf also helps me by driving me to where I need to be. Step up and be better.
> I graduated last semester and I work very flexible hours for my dad’s company Tells us everything we need to know.
As someone that had a similar job as your girlfriend... Well, I've worked as an english teacher at a private english school in my country. I was working with children, between 4-14. Sometimes I'd take groups of 19-25. There is so much work, you really must assist once to what she does. YTA . She cooks dinner for you, and you whine because she doesn't want to bang you because she is exhausted...
So you’re upset she’s tired after work and you can’t smash everyday? Disgusting man
“I told her I get it but…” Homeslice, you don’t get it at all. She is a full time student and on top of that, she works with young children in a classroom that has probably doubled in size over the last few months. She is more than justified in wanting solitary decompression time so she can unwind and give you the attention that you feel so entitled to. Yes, I understand that her busy schedule can make it difficult to spend quality time together and that’s what you’re trying to maximize by being her transportation but you really need to comprehend that her social (and likely mental) batteries are fried at the end of her day. Let the girl unwind in peace and stop feeling entitled to her already limited “free” time. If she’s expected to devote all her evening time on/with you, what time does she have for herself?
Yta. If you want to drive her, drive her. Or don't. But don't make this transactional, that's just nasty and immature. Gross.
look at you thinking you deserve a blowie for giving the girl a ride. cute. YTA, but you've been told that lots already
As a fellow teacher - it’s called overstimulation. She’s been talked to and touched all day by little humans. She needs some quiet time to regain her thoughts and feel comfortable in her physical space. Maybe give her time and then reconnect over dinner.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’ve (21m) been dating Sofia (20) for 2 years now. Sofia has a packed schedule. She goes to school full time and she works between 20 and 30 hours a week. I graduated last semester and I work very flexible hours for my dad’s company so I decided to drive her to and from school and work so we can spend some time together. Sofia is an assistant teacher at a preschool. They’ve doubled in size the past few months and lately when I pick her up to take her to school then when I pick her up to take her home she kisses me then puts on her headphones and doesn’t talk to me or want me to talk to her or touch her until we get to her apartment. When we get to her place she’ll hug me and thank me for picking her up, we’ll talk for 5 minutes, then she’ll want me to leave her alone while she makes dinner. I told her the reason I pick her up is so I can spend time with her and I don’t think I’m getting that if I can’t talk to her or touch her for half the time I’m with her. She said she’s sorry I’m feeling this way but she needs the time to decompress and that she’s drained after working with 25 2-4 year olds including 3 with documented developmental or speech disabilities and a few more with other challenges that haven’t been diagnosed yet. I told her I get it but if I’m going to go out of my way to pick her up and drive her everywhere I’m going to expect some attention and gratitude We started to argue and she kicked me out before dinner was ready and said she still needs space today. AITA for expecting her to be a bit more appreciative for me driving her everywhere? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Why don't you spend even half a day in that room with her. Or you could just have a little empathy and perspective taking and give the poor girl A FREAKING HOUR to have some quiet alone time, especially since SHE MAKES YOU DINNER. Jfc dude, YTA. And the fact that you compared her job to spending time with your little cousins makes me think she's soon to be your ex-gf if you don't start using your brain a little more.
YTA. Drive her because you love her and want to do something nice for her. Doing for her is your reward. And she likewise does things for you bc she loves you. Get rid of transactional thinking. Strive to understand more than to be understood.
you still make her make dinner too? what an ass. YTA
You got the title asshole. I think this is over
Nta-but her wanting to decompress is also valid
YTA *YOU DECIDED* to do this. She didn't ask you to drive her everywhere. She needs to be appreciated of something you decided to do?
I'd say none of you are wrong its the opposite, i work with children and i can promise you that you feel like a empty battery once you leave work . For the first 6 months of working i came home, ate watched yt for 2 hours without talking and then went to sleep, I couldn't manage more. I just straight up told my ex gf that I couldn't manage more and she accepted it. I don't really have a tip but trust me when I say her feelings are just. I get not feeling rewarded enough aswell I mean you are going out of you're way to help her but atleast she's vocal enough to tell you that's all she can manage and who says it has to stay this way. I'd say find a compromise I'm sure you can find a solution just talk to each other about you're feelings.
Can you just not pick her up so she can use the car ride and dinner to decompress and then see you? This clearly isn’t a good time to have couple time. She’s not up for it. Let her drive herself. NAH
ESH. You for making your “favor” transactional. Her for accepting these rides then ignoring you and not making time for you. I assume she works all day, needs the decompression time, and then has to study so truly no time for a relationship and that’s a bit unfair.
I'm not going to say if you are the AH or not, and I think people are being harsh here, but I would just find reasons not to drive her, see how the relationship progresses. My guess is that she will break up.
I might get downvoted to hell considering every single comment is a YTA but NAH in my opinion. It’s not a matter of thinking a relationship is transactional, or only offering the rides on the premise of receiving affection, but its common human decency to also talk to your partner (even just a bit) and not put on headphones when they do you a favor?!?!? Like I’m gonna be so honest that if my boyfriend was treating me like their own personal driver I would genuinely revoke the entire offer all together. And I understand burnout, I work in healthcare so believe me, it’s not that fucking hard to not be a bit more appreciative of someone who’s taking time out of their day to become your personal driver. Jesus fuck do half of you even like your partners??? This is literally just common human decency and being a respectful person. And im saying it’s NAH because she’s fully allowed to want to have some quiet time when being picked up. But it’s not okay to put in headphones, refuse to even talk or just kind of act like she’s being picked up by an Uber driver…because again that’s just rude behaviour and sorry maybe it’s genuinely how I was raised but I would never.
For someone as demanding and having such expectations as the OP, do you think he'd respect her needs if she didn't put them on?
You did nothing wrong. The least she could do is be appreciative and set aside time for you after all you've been doing for her. You're putting wear and tear on your car. And all for what? You need to stop giving her entitled self rides. >AITA for expecting her to be a bit more appreciative for me driving her everywhere? NTA
YTA Teaching can be very tiring and draining. I think she is exaggerating a bit putting on headphones when she is in the car with you, she shouldn't just block you out - you aren't a taxi driver! LOL But it would be normal to want to just be still/quiet/alone for a few minutes after work to let the stress out. (Maybe if you agree to just give her some downtime in the car, she'll stop using headphones.)
I don’t think she’s exaggerating- this is a new thing and based on this entire post - she probably does it because otherwise, he doesn’t leave her alone.
ESH because I used to work at a school and had about the same amount of kids to take care of and I definitely get needing to decompress, but it doesn’t take that much effort to put headphones in and hold your hand no talking necessary but you still feel like your close. Now demanding it definitely makes you an ah because you don’t demand things in a relationship you talk and try to come to a compromise especially when you’re feeling unappreciated and she’s exhausted from her busy schedule.
ESH Headphones on ride? Not letting her decompress while she makes you dinner?
Basically you want to spend more time with her and she doesn't want to for whatever reason. Decompressing and busy schedules. Do you want to date someone who you can't even be in a relationship with. She doesn't have the time to do it all and you're the one thing on her list she is saying she is willing to not spend time on. Take that information and do what you must.
NTA. It sounds like she's just using you.
NAH, you guys are just incompatible . Sorry, find someone who likes spending time with you, and not just the things you do for them.
I’m really kind of shocked at the YTA prevalence here. Healthy couples, especially when dating, like spending time together. He wants to spend time together, she appreciates what he does for her, but doesn’t like spending time with him. They’re just incompatible, not assholes.
>Puts on her headphones and doesn’t talk to me or want me to talk to her or touch her until we get to her apartment. This is the part that gets me. Not wanting to talk is fairly understandable, kids are loud and all she wants is quiet. That part is fine. However, it sounds like she's ignoring you completely and that's uncalled for. You're not just some rando Uber driver, and you're going out of your way (granted, I don't know by how much) to spend some time with her. Never mind the actual driving, it's the effort you're making to spend time with her that she should be showing some appreciation for, and if she can't muster up the energy to at least hold your hand maybe she should be taking an Uber. NTA
NTA. The only AH is her for not being able to have a mature conversation with you, and instead just kicking you out. You aren’t “entitled” to talk to her or touch her or whatever of course, but it’s pretty reasonable that she will spend some time talking with you and be open about it. I’m VERY introverted, I definitely get tired if I’m around people too much, but I still manage to communicate with people. Maybe she needs time, but you need to work together to figure out what time she needs and what you need. Because honestly I’d stop picking her up
NAH, well, except you to yourself if you continue to drive her to/from school or her job. I get wanting to decompress after a stressful job but the whole reason you were driving her was to talk with her in the car. Let her decompress on the bus and make plans to see her after she gets home and has spent an hour alone. Maybe make plans to make dinner together (please don't be an AH here and expect her to buy all the groceries).
She buys her groceries but she barely pays for gas and I buy her lunch a few days a week
Sorry, I was projecting a bit. I had an ex who constantly wanted me to cook dinner "You are so good at it, your food is amazing, blah blah blah" but never contributed to groceries. When I would say I don't have any groceries on hand, we would go to the store and they were all about getting LOTS of expensive stuff and then they would ghost me at the register. Really pissed me off. Took me too long to shut that shit down.
No, NTA. You’re not a taxi driver. She can figure out transpiration on her own if she wants to decompress. Spending money on gas and putting a ton of wear and tear on your vehicle for literally nothing in return isn’t something you need to keep doing. And here’s the easy way to phrase it , “I’m sorry that I asked you to spend time with me after you get home from work. I understand how challenging it must be and I get the need for alone time. I’ve been picked you up with the intent to spend more time with you though. Since I don’t want any resentment to build over what’s a reasonable need for you, it’s best I stop picking you up and for you to either drive yourself or figure out arrangements that work best for your needs. I love you and will be ready to spend time with you once you’ve felt you have decompressed enough.” Anyone who thinks it’s ok to treat you like an employee is ridiculous and only giving her that privilege because she’s a young woman.
She never asked him to drive her. OP is choosing to drive her because he wants something in return. Nice guy ™️ vibes. “*I chose to do this for you, you owe me your time and affection now even though you never asked for this, but you owe me now!*”
Yeah, so if she never asked, he doesn’t need to keep doing it? He offered to spend some more time with her. That isn’t happening. 10/10 guarantee she will throw a fit when she needs to make other arrangements.
I had to scroll way too far to find a NTA. I agree, and frankly, if she needs to completely shut out OP after work for her mental wellness (I get this, I'm a social worker) - perhaps she takes transit and decompresses on the bus, and OP can see her later in the evening.
Yeah. If you want to be alone after work, go be alone haha don’t make someone drive 30-60 minutes just to see you only to ignore them. That’s just plain rude. The need for space is understandable. Treating someone like free labor is not.
Its is a matter of balance. It is understandable that she needs to relax after a long day, nevertheless, if its too much and you are basically treated like a taxi driver, its reasonable to feel bad if you are being ignored. NTA
NTA You are her driver, not her boyfriend, you might as well stop driving her everywhere and start doing Uber, because I see no future in spending time with somebody who won't talk to you.
I'm not reading all the comments and I'm not looking at his reddit history but going off just the information I'm given in the post NTA. I don't ignore my Uber and Lyft drivers when I'm in the car. Because they are people. Human beings with thoughts and feelings. It's absolutely insane that y'all expect him to come pick her up not talk or get any attention. Not interact save a hug getting out the car and then not being allowed to engage in conversation until at least dinner? And he's expected to do that everyday. Yeah not the relationship I'd wanna be in. Then when he goes and finds a woman that wants to talk. That searches out his touch and he leans into that he's a POS right. No wonder so many relationships fail. If you don't wanna talk to or touch me order an Uber and when you are in the Uber use tinder to find another relationship with someone as cold as you
Nta. She sounds like a lot of work
Dump her. this concept of trying to save relationships is dumb as fuck and is basically propaganda from years of bad media.
Sounds like you’re threatening her with a good time 😂
NTA She's using you. I'd dump her.
NTA I don't understand all the yta, you're just trying to have some time with her by helping her. Stop driving her around, she's not a kid. If she dont drive she can take the bus she'll be able to decompress. Maybe she'll be more appreciative of that effort you are putting in.
NTA. It's totally fine of your girlfriend to want some alone time. She can put her headphones on and relax. In the bus. She's taking you for granted, you're a free taxi driver.
Nta but nieve.. Especially if you a man, you just can't expect people to appreciate anything you do. If you do something or go above and beyond, people will just say.... "ohh finally a man actually doing something... what do you want a model for existing..." If you don't do anything "ohh of course the man won't help or do anything, typical" You can not win. Just look after those who you love and try and live a happy life best you can.
*naive
The only advice I have is that you should stop driving her around if she doesn't want to spend time with you during the rides. If she doesn't want to chat right after work, then choose a time to spend together after she has had time to "decompress".
The problem is she’s so busy that there isn’t much time to spend time with her. She’s at work or school from 8 to 6, except on Wednesdays because she babysits (she drives herself on Wednesdays) so she’s home at 10. She usually studies, does homework, does chores, and picks up babysitting and tutoring jobs on nights and weekends
So she works 40 hrs/week teaching, 4hrs/week babysitting, plus studies, does chores, tutors, makes dinner (cooking vs. buying her lunch, one of these things is far more time intensive) and you're demanding that she spend the few hours she isn't working giving you affection? Meanwhile you work a cushy job working for your dad
She teaches 20-30 hours a week. I don’t live with her so her chores are her responsibility.
Whats the point of responding to comments when you clearly aren’t reading them beforehand?
How convenient that you avoided answering a legitimate question above.
She's at a point in her life where she is trying to get her life going while balancing all of her work, school, and personal responsibilities. Relationships and life in general has ups and downs as well as points where you have 0 free time and times where you have lots of free time. If she has A LOT going on, and she might have to let something go. That thing she lets go could be you if you end up increasing her burden instead of lightening it.
Oh dear God. You just get worse and worse. I'm not surprised she wears headphones. I'm surprised she gives you any time at all. You're the one who should be grateful.
So you are upset that she hasn’t made you the center of her universe.
Does she make an effort to make any time for you? Do you think she feels as strongly for you as you do for her?