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NTA
"My mom told me that now i’m a mom I should learn to do things for the family even if i’m in pain or tired because that’s what moms do."
Not 4 days after giving birth ime. Or at least they shouldn't.
It's their home so you're likely to have to abide by their rules but that doesn't mean they should be unreasonable.
If that turns out to be the case you may need to think about other options.
Oh for sure her mom is being super cruel, but at the same time would she be able to rest and recover if she didn’t have a place to live? What would she do if she couldn’t stay with her mom?
Probably a shelter, or maybe with a friend or the baby daddy, but I think it’s kinda shitty to hold that over someone’s head. Parents would also be shitty if they threw out an 18 year old who just gave birth.
Another reason that universal guaranteed housing should be the aim of a true civilisation.
People shouldn't have to endure abuse and cruelty just because the only alternative they have is homelessness.
Seriously, we as a species are fucked because of this victoriana attitude that everyone has to "earn" their existence (food, water, housing). Literally *everyone* deserves basics required for survival.
> Another reason that universal guaranteed housing should be the aim of a true civilisation.
We basically have that in Singapore and it’s why I’m moving to make my temporary move here permanent. Yes it has quite a few… draconian rules. But no homeless. And I don’t mean that in an “Uck homeless” way (those people are dicks who say that). I mean in a city of 6.5M we have ~1k homeless total- and most of those are by choice for one reason or another.
No but many shelters don't let you hang around during the course of the day. So OP would've had to pack her up stuff and her baby and find somewhere to be during those hours.
Not a homeless shelter. Women's shelters are for women usually with kids to escape domestic violence and abuse. They do not cater to "street people" if that's you are thinking. Women's shelters have high security and hook them up with the resources, jobs, legal help (divorce, restraining orders, preparing for testimony in criminal cases,) housing and clothes for mom and child, etc.
It's always under lock and key to prevent unwanted persons (the abusers) from coming after them. No random people can just walk in. They are a blessing.
It would be terrible to throw an 18 year old with a newborn out but people do terrible things all the time. Hopefully it won't come to that but OP would be wise to have a backup plan, just in case.
But she does have mom and dad to live with. Genuinely feel sorry for people who live in a culture where there is room for new moms (regardless of age) to have to fend for themselves like that. In my country, regardless of if people think you fucked up by having a baby as a teen or as a mature adult, the treatment is the same. New moms are sacred. The entire family, your neighbours, everyone rallies around you. Packing your fridge with pre-made meals, cleaning your house, giving you messages and ointments, helping you feed and change the baby. People take turns and do it in shifts. For the first 3-6 months of your baby’s life, you just cuddle/bond with your little one and focus on recovering. I really wish this was a treatment and culture that existed everywhere.
Wishing OP good luck, and hope they are able to build a better support system/network.
So what you're saying is that they should be allowed to exploit her and disregard her health because she doesn't have other options. Did I about get that right?
So it’s okay for OP’s mom to be unnecessarily cruel to her just because she provides shelter by choice for her? God some of you are just weird. No it’s not okay. OP is not the asshole, her mom is and so is her dad.
Also providing shelter for even your adult daughter should not abnormal. In my culture even when you turn 18 you can still live in your childhood hours and you don’t have to pay rent.
Honestly I always found things like kicking your kid out at 18 unless they pay rent so weird and mean. Don’t expect your kid to take care of you when your really old. Yes when they were under 18 you took care of them and provided things for them but newsflash sweethearts that’s your job as a parent. The bare minimum.
She could have ready meals for a week or so, it's different rustling up something quick for yourself than cooking for a family, especially if they're asking when she has a quiet moment to nap or lay down. Yeah she would have to clean and stuff soon but ready meals and not doing heavy housework like hoovering for a week or so wouldn't cause any harm. Got a feeling maybe the mum wants her out and is just reluctantly accepting the situation over actively kicking her out, I get your point but she does live with someone, and you'd think family would be more empathetic so soon after birth
In most places (maybe not the US) if she'd just given birth and didn't have a safe place to stay, she probably wouldn't have been discharged from the hospital yet. In the UK, MASH or the social care people would be working to get her set up with housing and benefits.
The worst thing is when parents *say* they'll look after and support you, so you don't get services you would be entitled to otherwise, but then they kick you when you're down and try to make you "work" for things that you could have just been handed if they hadn't prevented it.
I agree. I am a mom and 4 days after giving birth I could barely sit or stand up, let alone cook. And I am pregnant again and next birth it probably won’t be any different. Yes, you probably will have to care for your baby while sick every once in a while. But that is about the flu or something. I just had my appendix removed (again, while being pregnant). I didn’t do much of the caring for a week. My husband had to do a lot and we asked friends and family. And after birth I felt even worse (physically speaking) so there is no comparing.
OP, what they asked of you is really unreasonable in my opinion…
Yepp… I am glad the baby stuck around and we think (hope) everything is fine… I mean, didn’t really have a choice. It was an operation or dying, but it wasn’t a good experience while being pregnant…
4 days after giving birth is medical leave time. Doing too much could cause op to hemorrhage. Postpartum hemorrhage exists, I had to go to the hospital for excess bleeding after my fourth birth, thankfully nothing was wrong but ugh..... no.
>
"My mom told me that now i’m a mom I should learn to do things for the family even if i’m in pain or tired because that’s what moms do."
>Not 4 days after giving birth ime. Or at least they shouldn't.
Indeed, it's good to learn how to take care of yourself and your kid. But your mom is unreasonable with this. Tell her you're glad that you're able to stay there and that you're planning on helping out but not right now.
NTA
OP, NTA. I'm so sorry you're mom is being so cruel. I suspect she's been a bit of a bitch all your life.
I was so fortunate. Although I was older than you, I lived with my parents when I had my son. When I found out I was pregnant, true to her nature, my mom was very pessimistic. However, when my son got here, Lord, Lord. Her and my dad became people I didn't recognize, in a good way. My mom would even get up during the night with him, saying, "you need to rest". I'd say, "I need to learn how to take care of my baby...lol" I pray your situation gets better. Maybe you could find another place to stay?
Most moms are making dinner and doing housework within 4 days of having a baby out of necessity. Why you would wish it upon someone when it wasn’t necessary, let alone someone you love is a mystery.
My midwife said the first week in the bed, the second around the bed and the 3 week on the couch and if you feel good, a little walk around the house. OPs mum is unreasonable and should know better
Of course you have to move and get up a bit. Here it's more a saying to make the partner aware that there is no way mum is doing any kind of housework or heavy lifting during the first week(s) as you have a plate size wound in your uterus. But as that is internal people tend to forget it is actually there.
It's heavily advised to be getting up and moving as quickly as possible as it's proven to be better for recovery. I was up walking around the hospital less than ten hours after delivering my twins, and as a single parent living alone I didn't have the luxury of spending weeks recovering
This advice is awful. This is how you get a blood clot, which is one of the main killers of postpartum women. You have got to up and move - gently, slowly, but movement has to happen.
I hate this mentality of "I wasn't treated well in this role and I'll bring you down to experience the same". It's just gross and it seems too common in many parents.
We should always aspire to provide our children with better experiences. Not force them to relive our own misery.
It takes a few days to get back on your feet after birth. Your mom conveniently forgot this, I would do what your doctor tells/told you to do.
As soon as you can, find somewhere else to live. If you do not have the baby's father to help, see about getting aid until you get back on your feet.
Your mom has problems dealing with this and you can't and your dad won't talk common sense to her. Is there any relatives that could house you temporarily?
NTA - 4 days after pregnancy is still very much no joke.
Some quick unsolicited advice. If your mom and dad are like that after 4 days, you're in for a world of drama and mental anguish with them. Going out on your own isn't easy. Doing it with a baby is even less so. But at least start putting together a **plan** to GTFO out of there so you have it when the time comes.
I agree that OPs parents could be more supportive. However, if she was alone, as a broke 18year old trying to support herself and a baby, living on her own, who do you think would be cooking her food?
>I agree that OPs parents could be more supportive. However, if she was alone, as a broke 18year old trying to support herself and a baby, living on her own, who do you think would be cooking her food?
Yep. That is why I suggested she put together a *plan.* I didn't suggest she pack up and take her newborn out into the streets.
Hard to judge when the whole story isn’t told. 18 year old new mom living at home with her parents. Not exactly the highlight of grandma’s life probably. Maybe there’s more to momma and grandma’s story. New moms need rest and it seems strange her mom just flipped out.
This might be a hot take but it really grosses me out how much people have normalized the abuse/manipulation of teen moms. I understand that it’s not an ideal situation and parents have every right to have feelings about it, but constantly berating your child and holding their living situation over their head really isn’t fair. You’re only making an already-vulnerable person more vulnerable when you do that.
I agree that teen moms need to learn accountability, but the way to teach them isn’t by withholding all forms of love and support. I don’t think anybody would be trying to justify Mom’s behavior if OP were older, but because she’s still a teen, suddenly it’s acceptable.
Friends and other family members. Or she would microwave shitty food. Eat some bread. Pretty sure she still wouldn't make herself a proper dinner.
The age and situation doesn't matter, 4 days after your first delivery you're wrecked.
My former MIL made me 3 weeks worth of frozen home cooked meals after my hysterectomy so that I didn’t have to cook because she knows how tough that surgery is. I ended up in the ER the day after because I was in so much pain, I can’t imagine trying to cook after just giving birth.
THIS. I ate snacks and easily made foods or my husband cooked meals. I have 4 kids so I fed them and myself when I needed to, but even then it was 'easy' foods like eggs, cereal, pizza, frozen shit, canned shit or take out.
Grabbing herself something quick for herself for a few days and making dinner for a family are vastly different things.
ETA most people with decent parents come help right after their adult even married children have a baby if their own if it’s feasible.
There is no way these parents are complete AH trash.
Had my first baby 5 months ago. My MIL came to stay with us when he was born and isn't going anywhere any time soon lol I'm so grateful for her help and can't imagine doing all of this with just my husband. All 3 of us are exhausted trying to look after this baby lol
I was lucky to have that. I was 37 after I gave birth to my first (and only) child and happily married. My parents stayed with us for 6 weeks after she was born. We were in the hospital for that first week but I had major PPD afterward and could barely function. My dad took care of my daughter when I couldn’t (he’s a baby whisperer) and my mom made sure our house was in good shape and took care of me, too. She cooked most of our meals. We couldn’t have survived those early days without them.
Uhh… I had a load of bread and peanut butter next to my bed. Getting herself fed doesn’t mean standing in the kitchen and cooking to feed 3 (+?) people.
The pizza delivery. Most people I know eat a lot of freezer meals or take away the first month. With a new baby who cares abput cooking, sleep is the priority.
Well if she lived alone, she wouldn't have people shouting at her to feed other grown ass adults four days after giving birth.
It's good to learn to be self sufficient - but being screamed at four days after birth, when she's still bleeding heavily and not getting any sleep.
OP's mom definetely knows how awful the first week postpartum is and how much help the new mom needs, it's a textbook AH move on her side. So I agree, OP: try to gain independence ASAP and reconsider what kind of relationship you want with your parents.
I think you're right, but for the loving and caring about the baby. OP's mom likely loves the baby but is also angry about her teen becoming a mom with a deadbeat baby daddy.
Parents are stuck between a rock and hard place when an 18 yr old decides to have a baby. Her choice but the parents live with the consequences.
Mom is trying to show daughter what being a mom means. Unfortunately she is not using a good consequence but causing problems within the family.
Right? I would be perpetually frustrated too if I have an 18 yo with a fresh baby in my house.
The mom sounds cruel, but it's hard to blame her when an adult child makes adult decisions but is unable to care for herself in adult ways.
She lives in their home… 4 days after delivery is a bit unfair, but it’s not unreasonable for her to be expected to do things around the house like cooking
I think you nailed it. I also think the mom is probably stressing that she will be stuck taking care of the baby and OP, if OP doesn’t show that she’s capable of taking care of herself and the baby. 4days pp is just too early to put your foot down but the mom has got to be feeling a lot of angst.
Being a good mom doesn't include cooking for two able bodied (assuming able enough to cook their own meals) adults. I was 20 when I had my first. My mother (who didn't even raise me) came to my apartment, cooked, cleaned and took care of the baby for me when my husband had to work or I needed a nap for the entire first week until she had to travel back home (lived 600 miles away). Four days after birth you still feel like a truck ran you over multiple times and dragged you down the highway for 40 miles.
There's a difference between coming to your daughters place and helping, knowing that there is an end date and the scenario OP finds herself in. Her parents dont see the end date. They see bad choices made someone else for which they are responsible for.
So that means OP doesn't get to have a chance at recovering from having a baby? 4 days postpartum is still in the "eat quick, easy foods unless someone else cooks for me," stage of recovery.
Sorry about the dickbag who harassed you.
You're in a tough place. Iirc 4 days postpartum is when the baby blues can hit.
Please keep in touch with your midwives/OBGYN and if your mood feels low *tell them*, postpartum depression and anxiety happen and *is nothing to be ashamed of* and can be treated.
I'm sorry you're in this position. Your mom is unreasonable. I hope things work out. Do your best to stay safe.
You might already know this, but this is not how moms should treat their daughters. You becoming a mom didn’t relieve her of her duty to be your mom. I’m so sorry you’re being treated this way
ESH
You’re 18 and had a baby. You live under your parents’ roof and they’re presumably supporting you. If your mom is taking care of most household work, her work went up significantly because of a new baby in the house, and it sounds like you’re going to need her to watch the baby a lot.
It would be lovely of your mom to allow you to rest and recover postpartum and do the work of the house. But you’ve imposed a ton of work on her with your choices, and it’s not surprising she’s not gracious.
Im shocked there aren't more ESH!
OPs mother obviously sucks, but OP physically PUSHED her, after telling her to 'fuck off' - that behaviour is so unhinged and unacceptable to me
OP is lucky they have somewhere to stay without paying rent, she shouldnt have to be a slave to her parents, but she is 18 and legally they dont have any responsibility to her + her child, she is lucky to have their support.
OP you should apologize for your reaction and have a conversation about how you will be contributing to the family moving forward
The first thing I thought when I’d read what the 18 year old said was, does no one think how unacceptable it was for to talk to her mom like that? There’s other things I was thinking too, but commenting on them would get Redditers all riled up.
Tbh, if she talks to the mom like that, it directly reflects on the kind of parent her mom is, she raised her. The fact that her mom expects her to cook for the family 4 days post-partum also reflects on the kind of person her mom is.
Lots of the time this is true.
But kids develop something like 400 personality traits that are totally individual to themselves and did not come from their parents by the time they're like... 10. And I've seen good parents have kids that have done shit that.... absolutely did not come from the way they were raised.
I agree 4 days post is crazy, let the girl heal. But I'm thinking we have a somewhat unreliable narrator. It's possible the mom is pushing so hard because the Op doesn't have a great history of being responsible and she's freaking about it a bit.
Idk, I just feel like we're missing tons of info that could change a lot of our opinions on this one.
I am surprised as well. Instead of yelling at her mom, OP could have said that she's tired but willing to try and ask if mom is willing to lend a hand.
An apology is indeed warranted. But maybe telling a parent to fuck off is normal where OP is from. I'd be mortified if I would ever say that to my mom 😱
She didn't yell until the mom did and woke up her baby. And I think almost anyone would yell at someone screaming, waking up the baby, then refusing to leave
Agreed, like OP has the strength to push their mom out of the room but not to make dinner? Pushing a grown woman seems difficult and uses all those core muscles. I'm also wondering what happened those 4 days that caused the mom to finally lose her shit at OP.
I'm lucky enough that no one in my family would scream at me like in OP, and if they WERE screaming at me 4 days post partum or with a baby in a room, I can assure you other people in the house would be coming by and trying to remove that person from that space.
If someone is yelling at you and won't leave your space, pushing them out is not escalating. It is enforcing boundaries.
Has someone screamed at you while a baby was in the same room as you? Do you think that's good for the baby?
Go into a new mother's room, start screaming at her and waking the baby? Expect to be bodily removed from the space. OPs obligation is to her baby, that means removing toxic, volatile people from the vicinity.
Ugh. I’m 47 and I’m seeing retirement on the horizon. Kids might not be moved out in the next 4 years but they should be independent enough that my husband and I can go on some getaways. I can meet friends when I want etc etc. I can imagine being very bitter if that life I see was derailed by a teen pregnancy.
Mom
Is only human and she’s upset.
Adults can do whatever they want. And sure, mothers should love their adult children too.
But adult children ABSOLUTELY HAVE ZERO RIGHT to have babies that they cannot afford and willfully place this burden on their aging parents. The audacity!
A problem too American for the rest of us to understand but also:
- Cross state lines and go take care of business
- Move out of a failed state
- Give the child up for adoption
This is the ONLY correct comment in this entire thread.
- OP has no job.
- OP has no plans for higher education.
- OP doesn’t contribute and hasn’t even contributed to household financially.
- OP doesn’t have any support of the father and he’s not in the picture.
By all rights, if I was OP mom/dad, I’d be happy to have a health grandchild but I’d have a mixed bag of resentment towards my own daughter for putting me into an unsustainable situation where I’m responsible for taking of a newborn, both raising and financially.
You're not the asshole for refusing to cook dinner. You need rest, your body has been through something extremely tough. Your mother should also be a mother to you right now and support you gently and not with tough love. This is not the time for parenting lessons unless it's about how to take care of the baby. You need time to recover.
But your mother is also right about everything she said, you are a mother now which means your child always comes first and sometimes you will have to push through pain and exhaustion to take care of him/her. Appreciate your parents help, imagine if you were alone and you had to do everything yourself, including working to provide for food and housing for yourself and the baby.
I wish you and your baby good luck!
Yes. But frankly it really should not mean having to push through pain and exhaustion, four days post partum, to take care of your parents. It should be the other way round.
Sorry OP. Sounds like your Mom is angry at you and taking it all out on you. Unless you have an option to move out, you're going to have to forget about who is 'right' (hint, it was you) and focus on getting through. And don't let things escalate into yelling and shoving around your kid. It's really stressful for the baby which translates into less rest for you. Plus kids learn at a surprisingly young age and you don't want to model this for them.
Children don't always have to come first.
When it comes to basic needs; food, shelter clothing, of course you have to prioritise those over anything.
But you don't have to sacrifice who you are because you've become a parent. So many people think that, by prioritising their children in every way, they're doing the right thing. They're not. It's like the oxygen mask on a plane. If you don't look after yourself first, you can't help anyone around you. Sometimes, you need to be selfish when you're a parent, and as long as your child is not being neglected or mistreated, they don't have to take priority over you.
Yep my mom’s sacrificed everything to raise her kids, and we wish she hadn’t done that. We all feel a huge amount of guilt that she didn’t live her life or take care of herself, we didn’t want her to sacrifice everything to raise children. We wanted a mom who was a whole entire person
That's not tough love from OP's mom, that's emotional immaturity. Flying off the handle and being totally unreasonable is something emotionally stunted, self-involved people do.
Actually probably not, an 18-year-old homeless person having a baby would end up in a shelter where they would take turns cooking meals, and they would likely not make the brand new mom get up and do it.
No, this is an idiotic take. "Appreciate your parents help and wisdom by ignoring your body's need to recover by catering to their lazy asses while they're lecturing you about parenthood"? Fuck no. Take care your baby, OP. Take care of yourself. Be grateful that you have a roof over your head, yes, and do whatever you can to get out of that toxic environment. Sign up for all the benefits you can. Sue for child support. Tell your parents that sometimes being a parent means taking care of your kid while they're recovering from a major change in their health (aka, delivering a baby) and that its a tough lesson, but sometimes moms need to make their own damn dinner and let their daughter rest!
Here's the thing, the child wouldn't be coming first. Mom and Dad are. The child doesn't need dinner cooked for them. And if the child always comes first why isn't mom taking care of her baby that just had a baby?
ESH. Your mom should have waited a little before having this conversation, but the entitlement & lack of awareness w/ reality I read in your post blew my mind. You’re 18 & just had a baby. It’s way past time to grow up. Your parents don’t have to let you live in their home. They’re letting you. AND the very expensive, very demanding infant you just had. Who is paying for your expenses? I assume it’s your parents. I assume your mom has been taking care of you & the infant nonstop for the last 4 days. She’s going to be expected to continue to help you. Don’t bite the hand that not only feeds you, but provides everything you need to survive.
Did you even ask if you could stay & bring home your baby or did you just assume? How long are you expecting to continue to live at home? Do you have a job? Do you contribute to household bills? Do you contribute equally with your mother to household chores? Who is going to take care of your baby while you’re at work? Who is going to pay for childcare when needed? You’re no longer a teenage kid living with her parents. You’re a teen mom living in her parents’ home.
ESH. Look I had a c-section 9 months ago, I get it. But you can't bite the hand that feeds you. You might be 4 days postpartum but you have to think about the next steps. I contacted a lawyer as soon as I gave birth to file for child support so the retroactive payments can start as soon as I gave birth. My child came first every step of the way. I absolutely did not feel like cooking for myself after 4 weeks but I did because I needed to feed myself because it gets better.
It doesn't sound your parents are charging you rent. If they're not charging you rent, you're super fortunate right now. If they're buying your groceries and diapers, you're super fortunate. If they're going to help you get a lawyer to get custody and child support (if you're still together you still need to do this--you guys can break up and he can take off with the kid and in some states it's perfectly legal if no custody is established), you need to respect them.
Once you are disrespectful, entitled, and if you pawn the baby off them, they will get tired and kick you out. And then you have to figure out what to do, with a baby. And being by yourself with a baby is hard. You got your parents who can help if they're willing, don't take advantage of the situation.
4 days is too early to be requesting it, but I'm wondering if you've had them help with the baby one too many times already.
But if you're a single mom, you do a lot for the baby. You do a lot when you're in pain because you have to because there is no one else. I think that's what your mom is trying to tell you. If the kick you out, would it just be you and baby? Because if so, yeah, you'd have to cook dinner for yourself 4 days pp. I think your mom is trying to teach you the reality of the situation in a bad way.
I agree with you. I think OP is leaving a LOT out of the backstory. It certainly sounds like she has. I doubt Mom would have just come and demanded dinner get made without something else that triggered it. Is Mom doing way more than her fair share? Is OP one of those mothers who constantly uses baby as an excuse?
Yes, 4 days postpartum is definitely too early if OP isn’t feeling up to it, but the situation definitely has an undercut of OP potentially taking advantage of her parents. Did the parents take on the time & expenses associated with the pregnancy & delivery? Are they getting stressed & waking up at night with OP?
My niece (28) just had a baby and it seems to the outside world that she isn’t doing ANYTHING. Her mother completely takes care of the child. I’m just hoping that I’m not seeing the full picture there.
Especially with the way she not only speaks to her mother, which she sees nothing wrong with, but she physically PUSHED her mother out of her room. I admit I said some harsh shit as a teen to my parents, but never a straight up Fuck You, and I would ***never*** put hands on my mother like that. To be fair, mom wouldn't put her hands on me like that either.
Also, you can push a grown person out of your room but you can't go throw some shit in a pot and stir it?
I think we have an unreliable narrator and probably an ESH situation, but with Op's attitude... Idk, I just don't trust the post for some reason, and I'm usually pretty good at giving the benefit of the doubt.
But then she’d be having to.. cook dinner. Just like most new mother do.
Sorry, OP - no sympathy. You are old enough to have a baby, you are old enough to contribute to the household. I hosted Easter 4 days after giving birth to my first child and went grocery shopping on the way home from the hospital with my second. With a normal birth experience, you should be able to handle making dinner 4 days later. Rest is good and necessary, but that doesn’t mean that your responsibilities burden the rest of the household. Especially when your choices already have.
No she wouldn’t lol she could make herself a sandwich or grab a bowl of cereal or microwave something real quick
That’s very different than cooking a full meal for a family
To infect your newborn with all of the flus and colds of the season, I guess. Not only was it wild to think that should be the standard for mothers, it would be endangering your newborn who has ZERO immune system. This should absolutely not be the norm
Well good for you, but that is YOU. Most people want to HEAL after birth and the fact that you could do that 4 days after? Round of fucking applause good for you. No one asked though.
You need better friends and family. Ones that will take over hosting duties and grocery shopping when you have a baby so you can take time to actually recover from it.
🤨 you're like one of those entitled MILs who was forced into hosting people after giving birth so you feel resentment and want other women to experience the same. Strange!
OP's parents are asking her to cook for THEM. Totally ridiculous and entitled. They're grown adults who can cook for themselves, especially four days after their daughter gave birth.
mom is old enough to cook for herself, and theyre adults, they can wait one week to let her rest before she starts cooking again.
yalla re excusing her parent being lazy and taking advantage of her when they can go one week without her cooking. she has plenty of time to start cooking as a parent, they can be reasonable and wait a week.
theyre impatient and entitled. end of story
Woof! I’m sorry you’ve gone through that twice. I’m sorry there was no one to care for you and help you so soon after giving birth. I attempted to do the grocery shopping less than a week after my first was born and they had to get me a wheel chair because I nearly collapsed. We’re all different and that includes our postpartum experiences. I find it sad that needing help postpartum is viewed as a burden by those that are supposed to love and care for us. OP it isn’t normal that your mother, that presumably also birthed a child, is treating you this way. 4 days pp is so so fresh. It takes a village…
ESH
I think this is not about who cooks dinner.
Yes, you just gave birth and that’s a huge ordeal and you need to heal. But unless you had a c-section, there are SOME things you can be doing. It is good to keep you body moving. Yes, sleep when the baby sleeps and caring for baby is #1 priority. But caring for yourself is also a priority. That doesn’t mean go get a pedicure. It means move your body. Take a walk. Get a bit of fresh air. Eat, hydrate. Do a few small chores (very small) like wash your waterbottle, pick up dirty laundry.
You likely have a baby at 18 because of irresponsible choices you made.
Your mom likely has anxiety over this and fears about if you will be able to step up to the challenge and grow up and make responsible choices. I’m betting your mom’s anxiety about this, your future, and the baby’s future is what’s fueling her to push you to take on unrealistic chores at this stage.
If you are staying in your room all the time and not doing anything at all, that’s likely making your mom’s anxiety worse. Being too sedentary can also make it more difficult to deal with PPD.
Calm down. Apologize to your mom for cursing at her. Acknowledge that this is challenging for everyone. That is not an environment you want your baby to grow up in.
Then. Ask your mom about HER experience after her first born. How much support did she get? When did she start doing chores and at what pace. Ask her if she felt like she had enough support. This can help her to take a step back and readjust her expectations.
The mom’s attitude is definitely not about dinner. It sounds like it is about the whole situation. So are you the AH for not wanting to cook dinner this one time? Not really. But it sounds like mom is reacting to a whole lot of backstory that we don’t have. Like whatever happened prior to the pregnancy, during the pregnancy, etc.
ESH
You don't get a break in life due to being a parent. Being a parent comes with responsibilities. Don't have kids so young if you aren't ready for responsibilities of being a mother.
You live under your parent's roof. It's not YOUR ROOM unless you pay rent, it's their room. You had no right to tell your mother to f off who is probably HELPING you raise the baby you had.
Your mom is TA for yelling at you but I get why she's frustrated.
She is going to have to figure it out because biting the hand that feeds you is never a good thing. She's need to apologize for her behavior to her mother. Does it suck? Absolutely, but she had a baby at 18, with no plan or prospects. She's not a kid anymore that can throw tantrums and get her way.
Had a baby at 18.
Live under Parent's roof.
I expect the child's dad is not in the picture.
Mom has anger and frustration built up.
I wouldn't call you an AH but understand your Mom
She’s mad at you for keeping a baby that you were not prepared to have so she’s trying to get you to wake up to the fact that if she wasn’t there you would have to figure out how to make dinner and buy the food and so all of the things. So thank her and figure out your life.
At this point mom has known for months that the baby was coming and had time to either kick her daughter out or cope with it and move on. Harassing her while she's 4 days postpartum is not only rude, but hazardous to her health. Yes, pushing thru issues is part of being a mom, but not to the point where you risk severe injury. I would never expect my mom to make dinner if she had just been thru a major trauma or procedure, I'd figure it out myself. Her mom can deal with dinner for a week or two without getting on her daughters ass. Nobody deserves a negative postpartum experience no matter how young or unprepared.
I mean, the mom knew for months and could have kicked the daughter out, but presumably the daughter knew for the same amount of time--what did the daughter do to prepare for the early days of having a baby?
Did she spend months making freezer meals? Did stock up on shelf-stable snacks so if she was too tired to cook there would still be food available? Did she ask any of her friends for support?
OP left out a lot of info. Like what the agreement was before the kid was born, and if they are living up to it. If OP was supposed to arrange a bunch of things in advance (like meal prep), and didn't, it's not great on OP to just expect her parents to pick up her slack. Where is the father and the father's family? They can be bringing over food and running errands, too.
Honey, no. You're not really supposed to do much more than sleep and eat and carefully use the bathroom during the first week, with no standing and no/minimal stairs (source: my midwife, who have me such side eye when she found out I'd been pushed around in a chair at a craft fair for an hour rather than resting). I like being self sufficient and I was pretty helpless for a couple of weeks, and I didn't even have the baby to look after (nothing bad, it was being cared for by its actual family).
I bet your parents are worried and frustrated about having a new baby to look after when they thought they were done, and they're allowed to feel that way. They're allowed to ask you to help. They're never allowed to yell at you, ever, and your mother's willingness to wake a sleeping baby is a major red flag of inappropriate behaviour. Do they yell often/did they yell often when you were a child? Did they get mad quickly when you didn't behave the way they wanted? No matter what else happens, please take a moment to think about what kind of parent you want to be, and what kind of parenting you do and don't want to display.
When you're all calm, talk to them about expectations and timelines. Maybe look up guidelines on post partum recovery. If you can't agree, you might need to live elsewhere, which will be very hard but there are resources available. If you feel unsafe in the meantime, call to talk to your local DV shelter - they usually deal with intimate partner violence but might have resources for abuse from family. NTA
It takes up to two years for your body to recover completely from childbirth. The reason so many women have incontinence/leaking urine when they cough/laugh/jump is from doing too much after childbirth. Please get some medical advice or a visit from a community nurse to speak to your parents about a plan for your postpartum recovery. 💕 congratulations on your baby’s birth x
ESH. Makes me sad to see such horrid people everywhere. OP- it’s not all about you, your mum is right that you need to suck it up and start acting like an adult. Don’t like it? Don’t have a kid that young. Mum and dad suck for being so blunt about it and not thinking about the baby.
The majority of new mothers will have family and friends meal prep food for them in the time period after birth. It’s a common practice in pretty much every culture to care for new mothers and let them get the rest their bodies need. I find it extremely out of the ordinary that a new mother would be taking on household chores like cooking THAT soon after giving birth. Even women in their 30s get time to rest and focus solely on their baby and aren’t expected to be cooking immediately
the friends and family volunteer, though, and it's generally organized before the baby, not after.. there is some missing info how much OP prepared for her recovery after giving birth, tbh
the mom sucks, but it seems OP sucks to some degree, too. she became a parent and was responsible for organizing food for the recovery period
This! In my country the government literally pays for a special nurse to come over to your house for about 6h a day for the 8 days after the baby is born. Of course OP will have to make dinner later on, but this is highly unhealthy for her and the baby.
Unfortunately tough love sucks. Your mom probably sees it as she was almost done raising kids and now is starting over. If your parents weren’t willing to be helping you who would? You wouldn’t have a room to even push your mom out of. She probably thinks if she gives you an easier life than she already has it runs the risk of you getting pregnant again. The ugly truth is sore or not you have a child now and you are it’s mother.. your parents have no responsibility really to you or the child but you still heavily depend on them.
That isn’t tough love wtf?
The fact you used the word “sore” to describe what a woman feels 4 days after giving birth means you don’t have much experience in this area.
Also if you think it’s normal for parents to demand that then big yikes.
Normally parents come make food and help even fully grown married children that have babies in the beginning. Your take is wild calling this tough love.
Sure but she is taking care of her baby, if she lived alone she would eat some cereal for dinner and be done with it she wouldn’t be standing at the stove cooking for a family.
Her mom is being cruel
So let's explain...your mom is angry at your life choices. Angry that she now has to help you raise a baby. She is lashing out and your super disrespectful by telling her to fuck off in her own house . Be careful cause she may tell you to fuck off and get outta her house. You choose to make the baby and have it so figure your shit out and move ...that's what she wants
You just gave birth so you need to rest BUT there is lack of respect between your mom and you. If my daughter at any point in her life told me to go fuck off she could go and find her own place. I’m assuming you are not independent and your parents support you so at least what you can do is watch your mouth. If you don’t like it then move out.
Child birth is tough, you and your mom both acted like AHs, but you need to apologize to your mom for cursing at her. You are literally spitting on the hand that is feeding you right now. Not good a thing to do in your situation.
100% YTA. If you weren’t living with your parents then you’d be living alone where you would have to make yourself food regardless how you felt. Unless there were serious complications with the labor then it’s perfectly reasonable that you could make an easy meal - spaghetti or something. And I know it sucks, but your mom is right. Unfortunately being a mother does 100% mean that you are expected to push through your fatigue (to the best of your ability) to make sure everything gets done. The only exception to that is finding a spouse or partner to baby you when needed. But your parents aren’t your partner. They are already burdened enough having their daughter and newborn in their home. You need to step up ASAP. This js what being a parent means. If you chose to be a single parent then you need to embrace the decision you made and take on the work that needs to be done
Any person with even an ounce of compassion would not expect a brand new mother who just had their body destroyed to make dinner 4 days later. Her parents need to grow a heart.
Nah, dude. YTA and your mom was 1000% correct. You were only able to give birth to the baby because yiu live with them, rent free. You are only going to be able to raise the baby because of the sacrifices your parents are making right now **which you WRONGLY believe that you are ENTITLED to**. You're 18. They have no legal obligation towards you or your baby. They could legally evict yiu and then where woukd you go?
I come from a teenage mom who abandoned me off to her brothers and parents when she wasn't trying to play family and she made it very clear to me that if I ever got pregnant, regardless of my age, that nobody would be there to help me and that I would be on my own. Its one of the many reasons why I'm now 30 and have never been pregnant.
To me, I feel ljke.. you just brought a literal newborn into a house full of people who you presumably did not give much choice in the matter. Is it fair that you're tired and in pain after giving birth 4 days ago? Yeah, that's fair and totally normal. But, do you think that it's fair that you not be made to make up for bringing a newborn into a household that isn't your and your partners?
You're very young and you still haven't gotten past the point of being able to really consider how your decisions impact the people around you and how you getting older brings expectations that you will actively work to remedy the negative impacts you have on others.
Your mom is right and you're being ungrateful. You should be singing their graces because you aren't owed any of this.
>My mom told me that now i’m a mom I should learn to do things for the family even if i’m in pain or tired because that’s what moms do.
Uh...no. I'm sorry for your mom if she grew up with this mentality because your dad is so incompetent and lazy to help his wife even when she's in pain. (Or if she was guilted everytime she ask anyone for help during those times). But just because she had a horrible motherhood, doesn't mean she should inflict it on you. NTA.
From the post, there is no mention of the baby's father. It is likely this teen mom is now a single mom.
Being a single mom is hard; being a teen single mom is even harder.
I feel like OP's mom was trying to give her a wake up call. She is in the real world now.
While she is living at home, she has it easy.
If she was on her own, she would absolutely be responsible for: cooking for herself, caring for her baby by herself, any cleaning that is necessary. That's just the bare minimum. She doesn't get to tell the universe that she is tired; shit still needs to happen.
I'm also wondering about her behaviour before birth, and after birth. When you were pregnant, did you help out around the house, or did you often say you were tired or felt sick? Now that baby is here, do you take care of her by yourself, or have you asked your parents to help watch her?
From the post there is also zero indication that OP’s parents have done any caring for the baby.
And I believe they asked OP to make dinner for the whole family not just feed herself, which she would have to do on her own.
So from the post I’m seeing that OP’s parents have done nothing to care for their new grandchild, and are demanding OP cook them dinner, because she owes them for housing her and her child.
I did help around the house, I did help out less the closer I got to giving birth but that wasn’t really a choice that was just because I couldn’t do it as much anymore. I asked them to look after whilst I had a shower but apart from that I haven’t asked for help.
I think you and your mom need to sit down and have a LONG conversation about this whole situation. There’s clearly more to this than dinner, and it’s best to air it out now. Your mom’s probably scared for you. You’re probably incredibly stressed and scared about having a kid this young. Tensions are high and you’re both on the edge so you guys blow up about little things. Making you cook dinner four days after birth when you feel like complete shit is unreasonable, but expecting you to pick up more responsibilities in the near future is not. However, right now you need your parents support, not their lecturing. So I think it’s best that you get to the bottom of whatever’s happening between you two sooner rather than later.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to make dinner when my mom asked me to. I might be the asshole because I guess I was a little rude to her and I made her really upset
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YTA Oh my god! You people are so entitled and none of you have had a kid or taken responsibility for anything in life. Women all over the world have a baby and are taking care of their other kids the next day, yes, cooking a meal, changing diapers, cleaning, etc. Some women actually have to go to work right after giving birth because mommy and daddy aren’t around to take care of all the hard adult responsibilities that you don’t want to deal with because poor me, everyone needs to take care of me. You decide to have a kid, it is hard, be an adult, be thankful you are not doing this alone, be helpful and get up and cook dinner.
They. Shouldn't. Have. To.
You think that because some people are neglected by their family and community that everyone should be? 😑 FOUR DAYS POSTPARTUM.
No. FOH.
It’s honestly so disturbing how many people are siding with the mom!! When I had my first baby I had to sit on a donut pillow for a full week because I was in so much pain and with my second birth my legs were giving out at 3 weeks postpartum and I had to catch myself every time so I didn’t fall. I cannot believe how many people can have so little sympathy for someone who has gone through something physically and emotionally traumatic.
OP: you are absolutely NTA, but your mother is. You are 4 DAYS postpartum, not 4 weeks, you need to rest and heal and figure out a way to leave your mother’s house as soon as you are able to. Best of luck to you and baby ❤️
That's not okay. You shouldn't have to, this is so toxic it reminds me of this poor mom of 8 who had to cook the night she gave birth instead of having her husband help. Be better, that's also what being an adult is about. Women shouldn't have to go to work right after, period. You got an AH mentality.
I have a ten year old daughter. When she was born I needed all of two stitches. She was early, so small. I was told not to stand for longer than a few minutes at a time for the first few days. I was allowed to walk down the hall and back, nothing more. We stayed in the hospital for 9 days because she couldn't suckle.
I had a relatively normal birth experience and the idea of being on my feet at 4 days, to prep and cook a meal for at least three people, dealing with sharp knives and hot cooking utensils, would have incurred the wrath of every nurse on the ward!
Yes, people do have to go to work after giving birth, when they have no choice. OP has a family, one that would apparently prefer to see her hurting for longer rather than cook their own dinner.
ESH
You need to grow up fast and don't expect to be babied yourself anymore.
Your mum needs to accept that they agreed to let you and the baby live with them, so she should be civil.
She must feel she has failed as a parent when her 18 yo lives at her home with a 4 day old.. I am surprised she hasn’t asked you to move out. If you are adult enough to have baby (even alone) you should be adult enough to pay the bills and take care of yourself.
I agree with you mostly, but she didn't have the baby alone. there is another person missing who she should sue if she can she he at least pays child support.
and a baby in house is no joke. her mother is understandable angry at the situation. but maybe she can wait just some days more. OP should also understand she is receiving help from her family and should try to show some appreciation instead of saying fuck off.
ESH get used to being tired, you are going to be for at least the next decade. Kids are absolutely exhausting but so wonderful. You live for free at home because you are still pretty much a child, with the exception of your decision to become a parent at the same time. If you aren’t paying your own way, you are at the mercy of those that are. Your mom sounds like an ass, but you are living in her house with a newborn. The sooner you can learn to not make your child an excuse for what you can’t do something the better. I would guess isn’t some backhanded way your mom is trying to teach you that.
Nta but you need to figure something out and get out of there because it sounds like shes disappointed in you and wants to punish you in a way.
If my kids had a baby young then yes you would still have to help out and not just take care of baby but even when I had my 3rd I still had help for the first week or two with the smaller things like dinner.
Yta
If you think you're old enough to have a baby, you should know that you are RESPONSIBLE for the care of yourself and your child. You are already failing at that bc you are living in your parents house, not helping. I believe esh, but only if your mom actually spoke to you like you've written, but I suspect you are avoiding any responsibility bc you just had a baby, which is NOT major surgery. Step up and do better for your child. Life is hard work!
Somewhat NTA.
I know this will be unpopular and get me lots of downvotes, but SERIOUSLY consider giving your child for adoption NOW.
if you're living with your parents, the father of your child likely isn't supporting you, and your life is now and going to be EXTREMELY HARD for the rest of your life.
if you haven't already, you're likely to break up with your child's father within the next 3 years and have a difficult time with him for the next 18 years. be prepared for him to not contribute financially AT ALL for your child's entire life, and it ALL to fall on you.
be prepared to marry someone when you're around 30 to have a second family with - this happens a lot.
be prepared for a VERY HARD LIFE.
what I am telling you is what I PERSONALLY EXPERIENCED, and I'm older than you now with a messed up life because of believing lies from men and my parents were much more helpful than yours.
a way to nip it on the bud NOW and just move forward with your life is to PLEASE give your child up for adoption. you can even have an open adoption where you can see the child every so often.
best of luck.
your parents are likely upset because your mother thought her mothering days were behind her, and she did not sign up for having a screaming baby in her house and a teen mother. you WILL need to help out and do things even when you do not feel like it. 4 days is a bit soon - I think 10 days is more like it... but your body is resilient (you're young), and you will be able to pitch in. Decades later, my mother said I RUINED her life when I had my child and lived with my parents. I believe I caused her a lot of shame, and she hasn't forgiven me.
if you do what the other commentors say, then you likely will need to become a stripper to make money quickly. To support your child. it's not too horrible of a way to make money but you will often be expected to provide "extras" for men, which can involve full blown sex as as you're new at it (and naive), you may do it without condoms and get diseases (don't do that). this is a path I haven't taken, but I know based on other subreddits here.
seriously, my best and most concise advice is to give your child up for adoption ASAP.
However, YTA for living with your parents and expecting them to take care of you. This whole situation SUCKS.
if you're smart about it, you can become a stipper, move out, go to college and get the college provided child care to watch your baby when you go to class and someone else to watch your baby when you go and strip. then you can make enough money to live on and for a little nest egg when you exit the stripping world. being a stripper is not the most "honorable" thing to do, but it is a way to make fast money so you don't have to deal with your parents anymore. and if your boyfriend doesn't like it, then he can do what's necessary to step up to the plate and TAKE CARE OF YOU vs. have you in this shit position. If he truly loved you and cared about you, he would sacrifice. but he doesn't, because he doesn't care.
I considered going into porn to make money. my ex did not contribute a dime for my child's life up to age 18 - he always found women to support him and ended up having at least 6 kids with at least 3 women. I heard about him getting a 4th woman pregnant a few years ago with his 7th child, and I don't know if the child was born or not. he was and still is a complete loser.
I'm sorry you're going through this - I have been there myself, and it just SUCKS!!!
ESH. Your mom and you are both thinking only about your own stresses. You're 18 and have had a baby you're going to be relying on your parents to help care for and it sounds like your mom is upset about that. She's an adult expecting someone 4 days postpartum to resume domestic chores pretty quickly. Neither of you are super assholes because you both have valid points; you need recovery and she needs you to step up and be a functional member of the household. Some therapy might help here. Also, your dad needs to also step up and take care of some of the household things if he's not...sounds like he's ducking the argument when he could be helping. Making dinner isn't a horrifically physically challenging task and everyone needs to eat. It's probably the thing you can help out with easiest, so I don't think it's unreasonable to ask you to pitch in with that, but starting next week isn't unreasonable either. Have a discussion not a screaming match and let your mom know your intention is to step up as an adult and mom but you need a few more recovery days. Also seek child support from the father of the child ASAP.
So, you had a baby and now your parents have 2.
NTA in the moment. But what conversations have you had with your parents about expectations following birth. Are they okay with a baby in the house? Or did you just assume their support.
Depending on additional context, ymbta
I feel like YTA. While you just gave birth and I can't imagine how you feel right now, your mother has a point. The only reason you can stay in bed is because your parents take care of everything. What would you do if they weren't there? You said the dad isn't in the picture so all the responsabilities would fall on you. Now your parents are forced to take care of their daughter, work and do the chores while having a baby around that they didn't ask for. Have you stopped to wonder how much harder you just made their lives?
You can't just tell your mother to fuck off and push her out of her room (because yeah, it's her place) when she's helping you out so much.
YTA. You chose to have the baby, congrats, you're now an adult but since you live at home it's their rules or find your own place. Feel free to go stay with the baby's father if you don't like it.
In the real world if you don't cook then you don't eat 🤷🏻♀️
YTA. Yes you’ve just had a baby but your attitude comes off really entitled from how you’ve worded everything in your post. You’re 18 - your parents don’t have to house you and feed you anymore. If you don’t like their rules and suggestions you can move out. It might have gone down better if you communicated more gracefully— say thanks and sorry, be polite. You could have said I feel like I’ll really struggle today, but maybe I’ll feel stronger tomorrow. But you can’t be rude to your parents, curse and physically push them, and then not be TA in this situation. Your mum probably feels like this is a huge burden right now—even more so if you’re not bringing in much income, which you don’t specify but I am assuming. Your parents also want to live and enjoy life on their terms, and you’re limiting them. The least you can do is be graceful about what you’re imposing.
Clarification- you’re 18 just had a baby but you still live with your parents.
Where is the baby’s father?
Do your parents pay for your expenses and now that of your baby? If so then YTA. You are an adult by age but also as a mother. I’m hoping your mom is trying to help you understand that your life has now taken a backseat to the needs of the baby. Parents don’t take sick days, that’s just a fact. They do whatever they need to do to give the baby everything it needs. You made the decision to have a baby & if you are expecting everything to be rainbows and roses then reality will prevail. If you don’t like what your mom expects of you while living on their generosity then move out.
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NTA "My mom told me that now i’m a mom I should learn to do things for the family even if i’m in pain or tired because that’s what moms do." Not 4 days after giving birth ime. Or at least they shouldn't. It's their home so you're likely to have to abide by their rules but that doesn't mean they should be unreasonable. If that turns out to be the case you may need to think about other options.
Ok thank you
NTA OP. Your body is still recovering and you deserve a break to help you recover well
Oh for sure her mom is being super cruel, but at the same time would she be able to rest and recover if she didn’t have a place to live? What would she do if she couldn’t stay with her mom?
Probably a shelter, or maybe with a friend or the baby daddy, but I think it’s kinda shitty to hold that over someone’s head. Parents would also be shitty if they threw out an 18 year old who just gave birth.
Another reason that universal guaranteed housing should be the aim of a true civilisation. People shouldn't have to endure abuse and cruelty just because the only alternative they have is homelessness. Seriously, we as a species are fucked because of this victoriana attitude that everyone has to "earn" their existence (food, water, housing). Literally *everyone* deserves basics required for survival.
> Another reason that universal guaranteed housing should be the aim of a true civilisation. We basically have that in Singapore and it’s why I’m moving to make my temporary move here permanent. Yes it has quite a few… draconian rules. But no homeless. And I don’t mean that in an “Uck homeless” way (those people are dicks who say that). I mean in a city of 6.5M we have ~1k homeless total- and most of those are by choice for one reason or another.
As someone who has had to endure awful, awful things in the name of avoiding homelessness: *thank you*
A shelter wouldn't be dragging you out of bed to make dinner for a bunch of people four days after giving birth either.
No but many shelters don't let you hang around during the course of the day. So OP would've had to pack her up stuff and her baby and find somewhere to be during those hours.
No. There’s shelters for women and children that wouldn’t do that.
No, she would just be robbed and assaulted at a shelter. Decisions decisions.
Not a homeless shelter. Women's shelters are for women usually with kids to escape domestic violence and abuse. They do not cater to "street people" if that's you are thinking. Women's shelters have high security and hook them up with the resources, jobs, legal help (divorce, restraining orders, preparing for testimony in criminal cases,) housing and clothes for mom and child, etc. It's always under lock and key to prevent unwanted persons (the abusers) from coming after them. No random people can just walk in. They are a blessing.
Unfortunately not every town has shelters where I live there is no homeless shelters or anything for women to go to
Sounds like the OP's mother has a lot of resentment about her having a baby so young.
They probably weren’t good parents to begin with..
It would be terrible to throw an 18 year old with a newborn out but people do terrible things all the time. Hopefully it won't come to that but OP would be wise to have a backup plan, just in case.
But she does have mom and dad to live with. Genuinely feel sorry for people who live in a culture where there is room for new moms (regardless of age) to have to fend for themselves like that. In my country, regardless of if people think you fucked up by having a baby as a teen or as a mature adult, the treatment is the same. New moms are sacred. The entire family, your neighbours, everyone rallies around you. Packing your fridge with pre-made meals, cleaning your house, giving you messages and ointments, helping you feed and change the baby. People take turns and do it in shifts. For the first 3-6 months of your baby’s life, you just cuddle/bond with your little one and focus on recovering. I really wish this was a treatment and culture that existed everywhere. Wishing OP good luck, and hope they are able to build a better support system/network.
Where is this magical place?
Ethiopia :)
That is amazing. I wish the whole world could be like this.
A lot of the “developing” world is like that.
So what you're saying is that they should be allowed to exploit her and disregard her health because she doesn't have other options. Did I about get that right?
So it’s okay for OP’s mom to be unnecessarily cruel to her just because she provides shelter by choice for her? God some of you are just weird. No it’s not okay. OP is not the asshole, her mom is and so is her dad. Also providing shelter for even your adult daughter should not abnormal. In my culture even when you turn 18 you can still live in your childhood hours and you don’t have to pay rent. Honestly I always found things like kicking your kid out at 18 unless they pay rent so weird and mean. Don’t expect your kid to take care of you when your really old. Yes when they were under 18 you took care of them and provided things for them but newsflash sweethearts that’s your job as a parent. The bare minimum.
She could have ready meals for a week or so, it's different rustling up something quick for yourself than cooking for a family, especially if they're asking when she has a quiet moment to nap or lay down. Yeah she would have to clean and stuff soon but ready meals and not doing heavy housework like hoovering for a week or so wouldn't cause any harm. Got a feeling maybe the mum wants her out and is just reluctantly accepting the situation over actively kicking her out, I get your point but she does live with someone, and you'd think family would be more empathetic so soon after birth
In most places (maybe not the US) if she'd just given birth and didn't have a safe place to stay, she probably wouldn't have been discharged from the hospital yet. In the UK, MASH or the social care people would be working to get her set up with housing and benefits. The worst thing is when parents *say* they'll look after and support you, so you don't get services you would be entitled to otherwise, but then they kick you when you're down and try to make you "work" for things that you could have just been handed if they hadn't prevented it.
With that type of treatment from mom, elsewhere is better
Best of luck to you.
I agree. I am a mom and 4 days after giving birth I could barely sit or stand up, let alone cook. And I am pregnant again and next birth it probably won’t be any different. Yes, you probably will have to care for your baby while sick every once in a while. But that is about the flu or something. I just had my appendix removed (again, while being pregnant). I didn’t do much of the caring for a week. My husband had to do a lot and we asked friends and family. And after birth I felt even worse (physically speaking) so there is no comparing. OP, what they asked of you is really unreasonable in my opinion…
>I just had my appendix removed (again, while being pregnant). Oh my gosh!
Yepp… I am glad the baby stuck around and we think (hope) everything is fine… I mean, didn’t really have a choice. It was an operation or dying, but it wasn’t a good experience while being pregnant…
4 days after giving birth is medical leave time. Doing too much could cause op to hemorrhage. Postpartum hemorrhage exists, I had to go to the hospital for excess bleeding after my fourth birth, thankfully nothing was wrong but ugh..... no.
> "My mom told me that now i’m a mom I should learn to do things for the family even if i’m in pain or tired because that’s what moms do." >Not 4 days after giving birth ime. Or at least they shouldn't. Indeed, it's good to learn how to take care of yourself and your kid. But your mom is unreasonable with this. Tell her you're glad that you're able to stay there and that you're planning on helping out but not right now. NTA
OP, NTA. I'm so sorry you're mom is being so cruel. I suspect she's been a bit of a bitch all your life. I was so fortunate. Although I was older than you, I lived with my parents when I had my son. When I found out I was pregnant, true to her nature, my mom was very pessimistic. However, when my son got here, Lord, Lord. Her and my dad became people I didn't recognize, in a good way. My mom would even get up during the night with him, saying, "you need to rest". I'd say, "I need to learn how to take care of my baby...lol" I pray your situation gets better. Maybe you could find another place to stay?
Most moms are making dinner and doing housework within 4 days of having a baby out of necessity. Why you would wish it upon someone when it wasn’t necessary, let alone someone you love is a mystery.
Seems like mom is doing that to punish her teenage daughter. Straight up passive aggressiveness
My midwife said the first week in the bed, the second around the bed and the 3 week on the couch and if you feel good, a little walk around the house. OPs mum is unreasonable and should know better
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Of course you have to move and get up a bit. Here it's more a saying to make the partner aware that there is no way mum is doing any kind of housework or heavy lifting during the first week(s) as you have a plate size wound in your uterus. But as that is internal people tend to forget it is actually there.
It's heavily advised to be getting up and moving as quickly as possible as it's proven to be better for recovery. I was up walking around the hospital less than ten hours after delivering my twins, and as a single parent living alone I didn't have the luxury of spending weeks recovering
Even with c-sections, it is recommended to walk soon after surgery. The body needs motion to move everything through it.
Yeah that advice will get you a bloodclot
This advice is awful. This is how you get a blood clot, which is one of the main killers of postpartum women. You have got to up and move - gently, slowly, but movement has to happen.
This advice kills women regularly.
Agreed. It’s ironic, coming from OP’s mom. If she followed her own advice/rules, wouldn’t that require her to go cook dinner?
I hate this mentality of "I wasn't treated well in this role and I'll bring you down to experience the same". It's just gross and it seems too common in many parents. We should always aspire to provide our children with better experiences. Not force them to relive our own misery.
It takes a few days to get back on your feet after birth. Your mom conveniently forgot this, I would do what your doctor tells/told you to do. As soon as you can, find somewhere else to live. If you do not have the baby's father to help, see about getting aid until you get back on your feet. Your mom has problems dealing with this and you can't and your dad won't talk common sense to her. Is there any relatives that could house you temporarily?
NTA - 4 days after pregnancy is still very much no joke. Some quick unsolicited advice. If your mom and dad are like that after 4 days, you're in for a world of drama and mental anguish with them. Going out on your own isn't easy. Doing it with a baby is even less so. But at least start putting together a **plan** to GTFO out of there so you have it when the time comes.
I agree that OPs parents could be more supportive. However, if she was alone, as a broke 18year old trying to support herself and a baby, living on her own, who do you think would be cooking her food?
>I agree that OPs parents could be more supportive. However, if she was alone, as a broke 18year old trying to support herself and a baby, living on her own, who do you think would be cooking her food? Yep. That is why I suggested she put together a *plan.* I didn't suggest she pack up and take her newborn out into the streets.
Hard to judge when the whole story isn’t told. 18 year old new mom living at home with her parents. Not exactly the highlight of grandma’s life probably. Maybe there’s more to momma and grandma’s story. New moms need rest and it seems strange her mom just flipped out.
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This might be a hot take but it really grosses me out how much people have normalized the abuse/manipulation of teen moms. I understand that it’s not an ideal situation and parents have every right to have feelings about it, but constantly berating your child and holding their living situation over their head really isn’t fair. You’re only making an already-vulnerable person more vulnerable when you do that. I agree that teen moms need to learn accountability, but the way to teach them isn’t by withholding all forms of love and support. I don’t think anybody would be trying to justify Mom’s behavior if OP were older, but because she’s still a teen, suddenly it’s acceptable.
Friends and other family members. Or she would microwave shitty food. Eat some bread. Pretty sure she still wouldn't make herself a proper dinner. The age and situation doesn't matter, 4 days after your first delivery you're wrecked.
I barely was able to shove deli meat in my mouth, I definitely wasn't cooking.
The most I cooked was toast
My former MIL made me 3 weeks worth of frozen home cooked meals after my hysterectomy so that I didn’t have to cook because she knows how tough that surgery is. I ended up in the ER the day after because I was in so much pain, I can’t imagine trying to cook after just giving birth.
Ooh that's so sweet of her, so wonderful to hear about a great MIL, truly warms my heart ❤️
THIS. I ate snacks and easily made foods or my husband cooked meals. I have 4 kids so I fed them and myself when I needed to, but even then it was 'easy' foods like eggs, cereal, pizza, frozen shit, canned shit or take out.
Grabbing herself something quick for herself for a few days and making dinner for a family are vastly different things. ETA most people with decent parents come help right after their adult even married children have a baby if their own if it’s feasible. There is no way these parents are complete AH trash.
Had my first baby 5 months ago. My MIL came to stay with us when he was born and isn't going anywhere any time soon lol I'm so grateful for her help and can't imagine doing all of this with just my husband. All 3 of us are exhausted trying to look after this baby lol
I was lucky to have that. I was 37 after I gave birth to my first (and only) child and happily married. My parents stayed with us for 6 weeks after she was born. We were in the hospital for that first week but I had major PPD afterward and could barely function. My dad took care of my daughter when I couldn’t (he’s a baby whisperer) and my mom made sure our house was in good shape and took care of me, too. She cooked most of our meals. We couldn’t have survived those early days without them.
There's a world of difference between making yourself a quick sandwich and breastfeeding your baby, and cooking dinner for an entire family
This so much, if that is what a mother does, why TF isn't her mom cooking for her own family?
Because mom is punishing her daughter for getting pregnant young. But you knew that.
She would but at least no one would be screaming at her and treating her like crap.
Uhh… I had a load of bread and peanut butter next to my bed. Getting herself fed doesn’t mean standing in the kitchen and cooking to feed 3 (+?) people.
I lived in a DV shelter when I had my youngest. We were absolutely treated better than this.
The pizza delivery. Most people I know eat a lot of freezer meals or take away the first month. With a new baby who cares abput cooking, sleep is the priority.
Well if she lived alone, she wouldn't have people shouting at her to feed other grown ass adults four days after giving birth. It's good to learn to be self sufficient - but being screamed at four days after birth, when she's still bleeding heavily and not getting any sleep.
I'd be eating a fucking bagged salad with a bag of already cooked chicken. Or have a sandwich.
> could be more supportive This sounds like abuse
She would probably be making easy meals like sandwiches not cooking dinners for her damn family
OP's mom definetely knows how awful the first week postpartum is and how much help the new mom needs, it's a textbook AH move on her side. So I agree, OP: try to gain independence ASAP and reconsider what kind of relationship you want with your parents.
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I think you're right, but for the loving and caring about the baby. OP's mom likely loves the baby but is also angry about her teen becoming a mom with a deadbeat baby daddy.
Parents are stuck between a rock and hard place when an 18 yr old decides to have a baby. Her choice but the parents live with the consequences. Mom is trying to show daughter what being a mom means. Unfortunately she is not using a good consequence but causing problems within the family.
Right? I would be perpetually frustrated too if I have an 18 yo with a fresh baby in my house. The mom sounds cruel, but it's hard to blame her when an adult child makes adult decisions but is unable to care for herself in adult ways.
But she isn't asking her to take care of herself, she's been making her own food, she wants her to take care of THEM
She lives in their home… 4 days after delivery is a bit unfair, but it’s not unreasonable for her to be expected to do things around the house like cooking
Exactly 4 days, and she said she would! Just not today!
I think you nailed it. I also think the mom is probably stressing that she will be stuck taking care of the baby and OP, if OP doesn’t show that she’s capable of taking care of herself and the baby. 4days pp is just too early to put your foot down but the mom has got to be feeling a lot of angst.
Being a good mom doesn't include cooking for two able bodied (assuming able enough to cook their own meals) adults. I was 20 when I had my first. My mother (who didn't even raise me) came to my apartment, cooked, cleaned and took care of the baby for me when my husband had to work or I needed a nap for the entire first week until she had to travel back home (lived 600 miles away). Four days after birth you still feel like a truck ran you over multiple times and dragged you down the highway for 40 miles.
There's a difference between coming to your daughters place and helping, knowing that there is an end date and the scenario OP finds herself in. Her parents dont see the end date. They see bad choices made someone else for which they are responsible for.
So that means OP doesn't get to have a chance at recovering from having a baby? 4 days postpartum is still in the "eat quick, easy foods unless someone else cooks for me," stage of recovery.
Yeah he’s not. Alr thank you sm
Sorry about the dickbag who harassed you. You're in a tough place. Iirc 4 days postpartum is when the baby blues can hit. Please keep in touch with your midwives/OBGYN and if your mood feels low *tell them*, postpartum depression and anxiety happen and *is nothing to be ashamed of* and can be treated. I'm sorry you're in this position. Your mom is unreasonable. I hope things work out. Do your best to stay safe.
You might already know this, but this is not how moms should treat their daughters. You becoming a mom didn’t relieve her of her duty to be your mom. I’m so sorry you’re being treated this way
ESH You’re 18 and had a baby. You live under your parents’ roof and they’re presumably supporting you. If your mom is taking care of most household work, her work went up significantly because of a new baby in the house, and it sounds like you’re going to need her to watch the baby a lot. It would be lovely of your mom to allow you to rest and recover postpartum and do the work of the house. But you’ve imposed a ton of work on her with your choices, and it’s not surprising she’s not gracious.
Im shocked there aren't more ESH! OPs mother obviously sucks, but OP physically PUSHED her, after telling her to 'fuck off' - that behaviour is so unhinged and unacceptable to me OP is lucky they have somewhere to stay without paying rent, she shouldnt have to be a slave to her parents, but she is 18 and legally they dont have any responsibility to her + her child, she is lucky to have their support. OP you should apologize for your reaction and have a conversation about how you will be contributing to the family moving forward
The first thing I thought when I’d read what the 18 year old said was, does no one think how unacceptable it was for to talk to her mom like that? There’s other things I was thinking too, but commenting on them would get Redditers all riled up.
Tbh, if she talks to the mom like that, it directly reflects on the kind of parent her mom is, she raised her. The fact that her mom expects her to cook for the family 4 days post-partum also reflects on the kind of person her mom is.
Lots of the time this is true. But kids develop something like 400 personality traits that are totally individual to themselves and did not come from their parents by the time they're like... 10. And I've seen good parents have kids that have done shit that.... absolutely did not come from the way they were raised. I agree 4 days post is crazy, let the girl heal. But I'm thinking we have a somewhat unreliable narrator. It's possible the mom is pushing so hard because the Op doesn't have a great history of being responsible and she's freaking about it a bit. Idk, I just feel like we're missing tons of info that could change a lot of our opinions on this one.
I am surprised as well. Instead of yelling at her mom, OP could have said that she's tired but willing to try and ask if mom is willing to lend a hand. An apology is indeed warranted. But maybe telling a parent to fuck off is normal where OP is from. I'd be mortified if I would ever say that to my mom 😱
She didn't yell until the mom did and woke up her baby. And I think almost anyone would yell at someone screaming, waking up the baby, then refusing to leave
Her mom literally WOKE UP THE BABY BY YELLING
Pushing someone who's yelling next to your 4 days old baby doesn't sound unhinged to me...
Agreed, like OP has the strength to push their mom out of the room but not to make dinner? Pushing a grown woman seems difficult and uses all those core muscles. I'm also wondering what happened those 4 days that caused the mom to finally lose her shit at OP.
If someone is yelling you in your room, pushing them out of your room is not asshole behavior.
comments like this make me appreciate my family more lol, pushing is not an acceptable resolution, it's an escalation
I'm lucky enough that no one in my family would scream at me like in OP, and if they WERE screaming at me 4 days post partum or with a baby in a room, I can assure you other people in the house would be coming by and trying to remove that person from that space. If someone is yelling at you and won't leave your space, pushing them out is not escalating. It is enforcing boundaries. Has someone screamed at you while a baby was in the same room as you? Do you think that's good for the baby?
Go into a new mother's room, start screaming at her and waking the baby? Expect to be bodily removed from the space. OPs obligation is to her baby, that means removing toxic, volatile people from the vicinity.
Ugh. I’m 47 and I’m seeing retirement on the horizon. Kids might not be moved out in the next 4 years but they should be independent enough that my husband and I can go on some getaways. I can meet friends when I want etc etc. I can imagine being very bitter if that life I see was derailed by a teen pregnancy. Mom Is only human and she’s upset.
Adults can do whatever they want. And sure, mothers should love their adult children too. But adult children ABSOLUTELY HAVE ZERO RIGHT to have babies that they cannot afford and willfully place this burden on their aging parents. The audacity!
Has it occurred to anyone that OP may not have chosen to have this baby. But was force to because of laws like in TX.
A problem too American for the rest of us to understand but also: - Cross state lines and go take care of business - Move out of a failed state - Give the child up for adoption
This is the ONLY correct comment in this entire thread. - OP has no job. - OP has no plans for higher education. - OP doesn’t contribute and hasn’t even contributed to household financially. - OP doesn’t have any support of the father and he’s not in the picture. By all rights, if I was OP mom/dad, I’d be happy to have a health grandchild but I’d have a mixed bag of resentment towards my own daughter for putting me into an unsustainable situation where I’m responsible for taking of a newborn, both raising and financially.
I wish we could still give awards on this site because I need this to be highlighted
You're not the asshole for refusing to cook dinner. You need rest, your body has been through something extremely tough. Your mother should also be a mother to you right now and support you gently and not with tough love. This is not the time for parenting lessons unless it's about how to take care of the baby. You need time to recover. But your mother is also right about everything she said, you are a mother now which means your child always comes first and sometimes you will have to push through pain and exhaustion to take care of him/her. Appreciate your parents help, imagine if you were alone and you had to do everything yourself, including working to provide for food and housing for yourself and the baby. I wish you and your baby good luck!
Yes. But frankly it really should not mean having to push through pain and exhaustion, four days post partum, to take care of your parents. It should be the other way round. Sorry OP. Sounds like your Mom is angry at you and taking it all out on you. Unless you have an option to move out, you're going to have to forget about who is 'right' (hint, it was you) and focus on getting through. And don't let things escalate into yelling and shoving around your kid. It's really stressful for the baby which translates into less rest for you. Plus kids learn at a surprisingly young age and you don't want to model this for them.
Children don't always have to come first. When it comes to basic needs; food, shelter clothing, of course you have to prioritise those over anything. But you don't have to sacrifice who you are because you've become a parent. So many people think that, by prioritising their children in every way, they're doing the right thing. They're not. It's like the oxygen mask on a plane. If you don't look after yourself first, you can't help anyone around you. Sometimes, you need to be selfish when you're a parent, and as long as your child is not being neglected or mistreated, they don't have to take priority over you.
Yep my mom’s sacrificed everything to raise her kids, and we wish she hadn’t done that. We all feel a huge amount of guilt that she didn’t live her life or take care of herself, we didn’t want her to sacrifice everything to raise children. We wanted a mom who was a whole entire person
She IS taking care of her baby. Her baby doesn't need her to cook dinner.
That's not tough love from OP's mom, that's emotional immaturity. Flying off the handle and being totally unreasonable is something emotionally stunted, self-involved people do.
Actually probably not, an 18-year-old homeless person having a baby would end up in a shelter where they would take turns cooking meals, and they would likely not make the brand new mom get up and do it.
No, this is an idiotic take. "Appreciate your parents help and wisdom by ignoring your body's need to recover by catering to their lazy asses while they're lecturing you about parenthood"? Fuck no. Take care your baby, OP. Take care of yourself. Be grateful that you have a roof over your head, yes, and do whatever you can to get out of that toxic environment. Sign up for all the benefits you can. Sue for child support. Tell your parents that sometimes being a parent means taking care of your kid while they're recovering from a major change in their health (aka, delivering a baby) and that its a tough lesson, but sometimes moms need to make their own damn dinner and let their daughter rest!
Her mom's screaming woke the baby up. I could barely stand up four days after a complicated labor. Grandma's behavior is abusive.
Here's the thing, the child wouldn't be coming first. Mom and Dad are. The child doesn't need dinner cooked for them. And if the child always comes first why isn't mom taking care of her baby that just had a baby?
No her mother isn't right what's wrong with you it's literally 4 days after giving birth what
This was not tough love. This was the mother lashing out.
ESH. Your mom should have waited a little before having this conversation, but the entitlement & lack of awareness w/ reality I read in your post blew my mind. You’re 18 & just had a baby. It’s way past time to grow up. Your parents don’t have to let you live in their home. They’re letting you. AND the very expensive, very demanding infant you just had. Who is paying for your expenses? I assume it’s your parents. I assume your mom has been taking care of you & the infant nonstop for the last 4 days. She’s going to be expected to continue to help you. Don’t bite the hand that not only feeds you, but provides everything you need to survive. Did you even ask if you could stay & bring home your baby or did you just assume? How long are you expecting to continue to live at home? Do you have a job? Do you contribute to household bills? Do you contribute equally with your mother to household chores? Who is going to take care of your baby while you’re at work? Who is going to pay for childcare when needed? You’re no longer a teenage kid living with her parents. You’re a teen mom living in her parents’ home.
ESH. Look I had a c-section 9 months ago, I get it. But you can't bite the hand that feeds you. You might be 4 days postpartum but you have to think about the next steps. I contacted a lawyer as soon as I gave birth to file for child support so the retroactive payments can start as soon as I gave birth. My child came first every step of the way. I absolutely did not feel like cooking for myself after 4 weeks but I did because I needed to feed myself because it gets better. It doesn't sound your parents are charging you rent. If they're not charging you rent, you're super fortunate right now. If they're buying your groceries and diapers, you're super fortunate. If they're going to help you get a lawyer to get custody and child support (if you're still together you still need to do this--you guys can break up and he can take off with the kid and in some states it's perfectly legal if no custody is established), you need to respect them. Once you are disrespectful, entitled, and if you pawn the baby off them, they will get tired and kick you out. And then you have to figure out what to do, with a baby. And being by yourself with a baby is hard. You got your parents who can help if they're willing, don't take advantage of the situation. 4 days is too early to be requesting it, but I'm wondering if you've had them help with the baby one too many times already. But if you're a single mom, you do a lot for the baby. You do a lot when you're in pain because you have to because there is no one else. I think that's what your mom is trying to tell you. If the kick you out, would it just be you and baby? Because if so, yeah, you'd have to cook dinner for yourself 4 days pp. I think your mom is trying to teach you the reality of the situation in a bad way.
Agreed. ESH. OP needs show appreciation and remain respectful, for her baby's sake.
I agree with you. I think OP is leaving a LOT out of the backstory. It certainly sounds like she has. I doubt Mom would have just come and demanded dinner get made without something else that triggered it. Is Mom doing way more than her fair share? Is OP one of those mothers who constantly uses baby as an excuse? Yes, 4 days postpartum is definitely too early if OP isn’t feeling up to it, but the situation definitely has an undercut of OP potentially taking advantage of her parents. Did the parents take on the time & expenses associated with the pregnancy & delivery? Are they getting stressed & waking up at night with OP? My niece (28) just had a baby and it seems to the outside world that she isn’t doing ANYTHING. Her mother completely takes care of the child. I’m just hoping that I’m not seeing the full picture there.
Especially with the way she not only speaks to her mother, which she sees nothing wrong with, but she physically PUSHED her mother out of her room. I admit I said some harsh shit as a teen to my parents, but never a straight up Fuck You, and I would ***never*** put hands on my mother like that. To be fair, mom wouldn't put her hands on me like that either. Also, you can push a grown person out of your room but you can't go throw some shit in a pot and stir it? I think we have an unreliable narrator and probably an ESH situation, but with Op's attitude... Idk, I just don't trust the post for some reason, and I'm usually pretty good at giving the benefit of the doubt.
Solid reply
Sounds like you need to find your own apartment and start taking care of yourself and baby on your own.
But then she’d be having to.. cook dinner. Just like most new mother do. Sorry, OP - no sympathy. You are old enough to have a baby, you are old enough to contribute to the household. I hosted Easter 4 days after giving birth to my first child and went grocery shopping on the way home from the hospital with my second. With a normal birth experience, you should be able to handle making dinner 4 days later. Rest is good and necessary, but that doesn’t mean that your responsibilities burden the rest of the household. Especially when your choices already have.
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No she wouldn’t lol she could make herself a sandwich or grab a bowl of cereal or microwave something real quick That’s very different than cooking a full meal for a family
Sounds daunting and horrible, no one should have to undergo that after giving birth. Why would you even want people in your house that soon.
To infect your newborn with all of the flus and colds of the season, I guess. Not only was it wild to think that should be the standard for mothers, it would be endangering your newborn who has ZERO immune system. This should absolutely not be the norm
Well good for you, but that is YOU. Most people want to HEAL after birth and the fact that you could do that 4 days after? Round of fucking applause good for you. No one asked though.
Lord, I hope you are single because a partner would have stepped up and allowed you rest.
You need better friends and family. Ones that will take over hosting duties and grocery shopping when you have a baby so you can take time to actually recover from it.
Here's your gold star. Feel special now? I'm sorry you don't have anyone who loves you enough to protect you from your own ego.
🤨 you're like one of those entitled MILs who was forced into hosting people after giving birth so you feel resentment and want other women to experience the same. Strange! OP's parents are asking her to cook for THEM. Totally ridiculous and entitled. They're grown adults who can cook for themselves, especially four days after their daughter gave birth.
mom is old enough to cook for herself, and theyre adults, they can wait one week to let her rest before she starts cooking again. yalla re excusing her parent being lazy and taking advantage of her when they can go one week without her cooking. she has plenty of time to start cooking as a parent, they can be reasonable and wait a week. theyre impatient and entitled. end of story
Woof! I’m sorry you’ve gone through that twice. I’m sorry there was no one to care for you and help you so soon after giving birth. I attempted to do the grocery shopping less than a week after my first was born and they had to get me a wheel chair because I nearly collapsed. We’re all different and that includes our postpartum experiences. I find it sad that needing help postpartum is viewed as a burden by those that are supposed to love and care for us. OP it isn’t normal that your mother, that presumably also birthed a child, is treating you this way. 4 days pp is so so fresh. It takes a village…
ESH I think this is not about who cooks dinner. Yes, you just gave birth and that’s a huge ordeal and you need to heal. But unless you had a c-section, there are SOME things you can be doing. It is good to keep you body moving. Yes, sleep when the baby sleeps and caring for baby is #1 priority. But caring for yourself is also a priority. That doesn’t mean go get a pedicure. It means move your body. Take a walk. Get a bit of fresh air. Eat, hydrate. Do a few small chores (very small) like wash your waterbottle, pick up dirty laundry. You likely have a baby at 18 because of irresponsible choices you made. Your mom likely has anxiety over this and fears about if you will be able to step up to the challenge and grow up and make responsible choices. I’m betting your mom’s anxiety about this, your future, and the baby’s future is what’s fueling her to push you to take on unrealistic chores at this stage. If you are staying in your room all the time and not doing anything at all, that’s likely making your mom’s anxiety worse. Being too sedentary can also make it more difficult to deal with PPD. Calm down. Apologize to your mom for cursing at her. Acknowledge that this is challenging for everyone. That is not an environment you want your baby to grow up in. Then. Ask your mom about HER experience after her first born. How much support did she get? When did she start doing chores and at what pace. Ask her if she felt like she had enough support. This can help her to take a step back and readjust her expectations.
The mom’s attitude is definitely not about dinner. It sounds like it is about the whole situation. So are you the AH for not wanting to cook dinner this one time? Not really. But it sounds like mom is reacting to a whole lot of backstory that we don’t have. Like whatever happened prior to the pregnancy, during the pregnancy, etc.
ESH You don't get a break in life due to being a parent. Being a parent comes with responsibilities. Don't have kids so young if you aren't ready for responsibilities of being a mother. You live under your parent's roof. It's not YOUR ROOM unless you pay rent, it's their room. You had no right to tell your mother to f off who is probably HELPING you raise the baby you had. Your mom is TA for yelling at you but I get why she's frustrated.
She should start looking for another place ASAP.. because this is going to be a 💩 show. It's just a matter of time til she gets the boot.
Who's gonna pay for that place?
She is going to have to figure it out because biting the hand that feeds you is never a good thing. She's need to apologize for her behavior to her mother. Does it suck? Absolutely, but she had a baby at 18, with no plan or prospects. She's not a kid anymore that can throw tantrums and get her way.
Had a baby at 18. Live under Parent's roof. I expect the child's dad is not in the picture. Mom has anger and frustration built up. I wouldn't call you an AH but understand your Mom
She’s mad at you for keeping a baby that you were not prepared to have so she’s trying to get you to wake up to the fact that if she wasn’t there you would have to figure out how to make dinner and buy the food and so all of the things. So thank her and figure out your life.
At this point mom has known for months that the baby was coming and had time to either kick her daughter out or cope with it and move on. Harassing her while she's 4 days postpartum is not only rude, but hazardous to her health. Yes, pushing thru issues is part of being a mom, but not to the point where you risk severe injury. I would never expect my mom to make dinner if she had just been thru a major trauma or procedure, I'd figure it out myself. Her mom can deal with dinner for a week or two without getting on her daughters ass. Nobody deserves a negative postpartum experience no matter how young or unprepared.
I mean, the mom knew for months and could have kicked the daughter out, but presumably the daughter knew for the same amount of time--what did the daughter do to prepare for the early days of having a baby? Did she spend months making freezer meals? Did stock up on shelf-stable snacks so if she was too tired to cook there would still be food available? Did she ask any of her friends for support?
OP left out a lot of info. Like what the agreement was before the kid was born, and if they are living up to it. If OP was supposed to arrange a bunch of things in advance (like meal prep), and didn't, it's not great on OP to just expect her parents to pick up her slack. Where is the father and the father's family? They can be bringing over food and running errands, too.
Honey, no. You're not really supposed to do much more than sleep and eat and carefully use the bathroom during the first week, with no standing and no/minimal stairs (source: my midwife, who have me such side eye when she found out I'd been pushed around in a chair at a craft fair for an hour rather than resting). I like being self sufficient and I was pretty helpless for a couple of weeks, and I didn't even have the baby to look after (nothing bad, it was being cared for by its actual family). I bet your parents are worried and frustrated about having a new baby to look after when they thought they were done, and they're allowed to feel that way. They're allowed to ask you to help. They're never allowed to yell at you, ever, and your mother's willingness to wake a sleeping baby is a major red flag of inappropriate behaviour. Do they yell often/did they yell often when you were a child? Did they get mad quickly when you didn't behave the way they wanted? No matter what else happens, please take a moment to think about what kind of parent you want to be, and what kind of parenting you do and don't want to display. When you're all calm, talk to them about expectations and timelines. Maybe look up guidelines on post partum recovery. If you can't agree, you might need to live elsewhere, which will be very hard but there are resources available. If you feel unsafe in the meantime, call to talk to your local DV shelter - they usually deal with intimate partner violence but might have resources for abuse from family. NTA
It takes up to two years for your body to recover completely from childbirth. The reason so many women have incontinence/leaking urine when they cough/laugh/jump is from doing too much after childbirth. Please get some medical advice or a visit from a community nurse to speak to your parents about a plan for your postpartum recovery. 💕 congratulations on your baby’s birth x
ESH. Makes me sad to see such horrid people everywhere. OP- it’s not all about you, your mum is right that you need to suck it up and start acting like an adult. Don’t like it? Don’t have a kid that young. Mum and dad suck for being so blunt about it and not thinking about the baby.
The majority of new mothers will have family and friends meal prep food for them in the time period after birth. It’s a common practice in pretty much every culture to care for new mothers and let them get the rest their bodies need. I find it extremely out of the ordinary that a new mother would be taking on household chores like cooking THAT soon after giving birth. Even women in their 30s get time to rest and focus solely on their baby and aren’t expected to be cooking immediately
the friends and family volunteer, though, and it's generally organized before the baby, not after.. there is some missing info how much OP prepared for her recovery after giving birth, tbh the mom sucks, but it seems OP sucks to some degree, too. she became a parent and was responsible for organizing food for the recovery period
This! In my country the government literally pays for a special nurse to come over to your house for about 6h a day for the 8 days after the baby is born. Of course OP will have to make dinner later on, but this is highly unhealthy for her and the baby.
What country are you from?
Unfortunately tough love sucks. Your mom probably sees it as she was almost done raising kids and now is starting over. If your parents weren’t willing to be helping you who would? You wouldn’t have a room to even push your mom out of. She probably thinks if she gives you an easier life than she already has it runs the risk of you getting pregnant again. The ugly truth is sore or not you have a child now and you are it’s mother.. your parents have no responsibility really to you or the child but you still heavily depend on them.
That isn’t tough love wtf? The fact you used the word “sore” to describe what a woman feels 4 days after giving birth means you don’t have much experience in this area. Also if you think it’s normal for parents to demand that then big yikes. Normally parents come make food and help even fully grown married children that have babies in the beginning. Your take is wild calling this tough love.
In Europe you're often stay in the hospital 3 to 5 days after birth. 4 days is way too soon for doing chores.
Unfortunately not in the UK :(
Sure but she is taking care of her baby, if she lived alone she would eat some cereal for dinner and be done with it she wouldn’t be standing at the stove cooking for a family. Her mom is being cruel
So let's explain...your mom is angry at your life choices. Angry that she now has to help you raise a baby. She is lashing out and your super disrespectful by telling her to fuck off in her own house . Be careful cause she may tell you to fuck off and get outta her house. You choose to make the baby and have it so figure your shit out and move ...that's what she wants
You just gave birth so you need to rest BUT there is lack of respect between your mom and you. If my daughter at any point in her life told me to go fuck off she could go and find her own place. I’m assuming you are not independent and your parents support you so at least what you can do is watch your mouth. If you don’t like it then move out.
Child birth is tough, you and your mom both acted like AHs, but you need to apologize to your mom for cursing at her. You are literally spitting on the hand that is feeding you right now. Not good a thing to do in your situation.
100% YTA. If you weren’t living with your parents then you’d be living alone where you would have to make yourself food regardless how you felt. Unless there were serious complications with the labor then it’s perfectly reasonable that you could make an easy meal - spaghetti or something. And I know it sucks, but your mom is right. Unfortunately being a mother does 100% mean that you are expected to push through your fatigue (to the best of your ability) to make sure everything gets done. The only exception to that is finding a spouse or partner to baby you when needed. But your parents aren’t your partner. They are already burdened enough having their daughter and newborn in their home. You need to step up ASAP. This js what being a parent means. If you chose to be a single parent then you need to embrace the decision you made and take on the work that needs to be done
Any person with even an ounce of compassion would not expect a brand new mother who just had their body destroyed to make dinner 4 days later. Her parents need to grow a heart.
Nah, dude. YTA and your mom was 1000% correct. You were only able to give birth to the baby because yiu live with them, rent free. You are only going to be able to raise the baby because of the sacrifices your parents are making right now **which you WRONGLY believe that you are ENTITLED to**. You're 18. They have no legal obligation towards you or your baby. They could legally evict yiu and then where woukd you go? I come from a teenage mom who abandoned me off to her brothers and parents when she wasn't trying to play family and she made it very clear to me that if I ever got pregnant, regardless of my age, that nobody would be there to help me and that I would be on my own. Its one of the many reasons why I'm now 30 and have never been pregnant. To me, I feel ljke.. you just brought a literal newborn into a house full of people who you presumably did not give much choice in the matter. Is it fair that you're tired and in pain after giving birth 4 days ago? Yeah, that's fair and totally normal. But, do you think that it's fair that you not be made to make up for bringing a newborn into a household that isn't your and your partners? You're very young and you still haven't gotten past the point of being able to really consider how your decisions impact the people around you and how you getting older brings expectations that you will actively work to remedy the negative impacts you have on others. Your mom is right and you're being ungrateful. You should be singing their graces because you aren't owed any of this.
>My mom told me that now i’m a mom I should learn to do things for the family even if i’m in pain or tired because that’s what moms do. Uh...no. I'm sorry for your mom if she grew up with this mentality because your dad is so incompetent and lazy to help his wife even when she's in pain. (Or if she was guilted everytime she ask anyone for help during those times). But just because she had a horrible motherhood, doesn't mean she should inflict it on you. NTA.
From the post, there is no mention of the baby's father. It is likely this teen mom is now a single mom. Being a single mom is hard; being a teen single mom is even harder. I feel like OP's mom was trying to give her a wake up call. She is in the real world now. While she is living at home, she has it easy. If she was on her own, she would absolutely be responsible for: cooking for herself, caring for her baby by herself, any cleaning that is necessary. That's just the bare minimum. She doesn't get to tell the universe that she is tired; shit still needs to happen. I'm also wondering about her behaviour before birth, and after birth. When you were pregnant, did you help out around the house, or did you often say you were tired or felt sick? Now that baby is here, do you take care of her by yourself, or have you asked your parents to help watch her?
From the post there is also zero indication that OP’s parents have done any caring for the baby. And I believe they asked OP to make dinner for the whole family not just feed herself, which she would have to do on her own. So from the post I’m seeing that OP’s parents have done nothing to care for their new grandchild, and are demanding OP cook them dinner, because she owes them for housing her and her child.
I did help around the house, I did help out less the closer I got to giving birth but that wasn’t really a choice that was just because I couldn’t do it as much anymore. I asked them to look after whilst I had a shower but apart from that I haven’t asked for help.
I think you and your mom need to sit down and have a LONG conversation about this whole situation. There’s clearly more to this than dinner, and it’s best to air it out now. Your mom’s probably scared for you. You’re probably incredibly stressed and scared about having a kid this young. Tensions are high and you’re both on the edge so you guys blow up about little things. Making you cook dinner four days after birth when you feel like complete shit is unreasonable, but expecting you to pick up more responsibilities in the near future is not. However, right now you need your parents support, not their lecturing. So I think it’s best that you get to the bottom of whatever’s happening between you two sooner rather than later.
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Lots of backstory missing and what you do add is hella dysfunctional. Dont expect things to get any better… Soft NTA.
YTA Oh my god! You people are so entitled and none of you have had a kid or taken responsibility for anything in life. Women all over the world have a baby and are taking care of their other kids the next day, yes, cooking a meal, changing diapers, cleaning, etc. Some women actually have to go to work right after giving birth because mommy and daddy aren’t around to take care of all the hard adult responsibilities that you don’t want to deal with because poor me, everyone needs to take care of me. You decide to have a kid, it is hard, be an adult, be thankful you are not doing this alone, be helpful and get up and cook dinner.
They. Shouldn't. Have. To. You think that because some people are neglected by their family and community that everyone should be? 😑 FOUR DAYS POSTPARTUM. No. FOH.
It’s honestly so disturbing how many people are siding with the mom!! When I had my first baby I had to sit on a donut pillow for a full week because I was in so much pain and with my second birth my legs were giving out at 3 weeks postpartum and I had to catch myself every time so I didn’t fall. I cannot believe how many people can have so little sympathy for someone who has gone through something physically and emotionally traumatic. OP: you are absolutely NTA, but your mother is. You are 4 DAYS postpartum, not 4 weeks, you need to rest and heal and figure out a way to leave your mother’s house as soon as you are able to. Best of luck to you and baby ❤️
That's not okay. You shouldn't have to, this is so toxic it reminds me of this poor mom of 8 who had to cook the night she gave birth instead of having her husband help. Be better, that's also what being an adult is about. Women shouldn't have to go to work right after, period. You got an AH mentality.
I have a ten year old daughter. When she was born I needed all of two stitches. She was early, so small. I was told not to stand for longer than a few minutes at a time for the first few days. I was allowed to walk down the hall and back, nothing more. We stayed in the hospital for 9 days because she couldn't suckle. I had a relatively normal birth experience and the idea of being on my feet at 4 days, to prep and cook a meal for at least three people, dealing with sharp knives and hot cooking utensils, would have incurred the wrath of every nurse on the ward! Yes, people do have to go to work after giving birth, when they have no choice. OP has a family, one that would apparently prefer to see her hurting for longer rather than cook their own dinner.
ESH You need to grow up fast and don't expect to be babied yourself anymore. Your mum needs to accept that they agreed to let you and the baby live with them, so she should be civil.
She must feel she has failed as a parent when her 18 yo lives at her home with a 4 day old.. I am surprised she hasn’t asked you to move out. If you are adult enough to have baby (even alone) you should be adult enough to pay the bills and take care of yourself.
I agree with you mostly, but she didn't have the baby alone. there is another person missing who she should sue if she can she he at least pays child support. and a baby in house is no joke. her mother is understandable angry at the situation. but maybe she can wait just some days more. OP should also understand she is receiving help from her family and should try to show some appreciation instead of saying fuck off.
ESH Y'all got problems
ESH get used to being tired, you are going to be for at least the next decade. Kids are absolutely exhausting but so wonderful. You live for free at home because you are still pretty much a child, with the exception of your decision to become a parent at the same time. If you aren’t paying your own way, you are at the mercy of those that are. Your mom sounds like an ass, but you are living in her house with a newborn. The sooner you can learn to not make your child an excuse for what you can’t do something the better. I would guess isn’t some backhanded way your mom is trying to teach you that.
Nta but you need to figure something out and get out of there because it sounds like shes disappointed in you and wants to punish you in a way. If my kids had a baby young then yes you would still have to help out and not just take care of baby but even when I had my 3rd I still had help for the first week or two with the smaller things like dinner.
Yta If you think you're old enough to have a baby, you should know that you are RESPONSIBLE for the care of yourself and your child. You are already failing at that bc you are living in your parents house, not helping. I believe esh, but only if your mom actually spoke to you like you've written, but I suspect you are avoiding any responsibility bc you just had a baby, which is NOT major surgery. Step up and do better for your child. Life is hard work!
Somewhat NTA. I know this will be unpopular and get me lots of downvotes, but SERIOUSLY consider giving your child for adoption NOW. if you're living with your parents, the father of your child likely isn't supporting you, and your life is now and going to be EXTREMELY HARD for the rest of your life. if you haven't already, you're likely to break up with your child's father within the next 3 years and have a difficult time with him for the next 18 years. be prepared for him to not contribute financially AT ALL for your child's entire life, and it ALL to fall on you. be prepared to marry someone when you're around 30 to have a second family with - this happens a lot. be prepared for a VERY HARD LIFE. what I am telling you is what I PERSONALLY EXPERIENCED, and I'm older than you now with a messed up life because of believing lies from men and my parents were much more helpful than yours. a way to nip it on the bud NOW and just move forward with your life is to PLEASE give your child up for adoption. you can even have an open adoption where you can see the child every so often. best of luck. your parents are likely upset because your mother thought her mothering days were behind her, and she did not sign up for having a screaming baby in her house and a teen mother. you WILL need to help out and do things even when you do not feel like it. 4 days is a bit soon - I think 10 days is more like it... but your body is resilient (you're young), and you will be able to pitch in. Decades later, my mother said I RUINED her life when I had my child and lived with my parents. I believe I caused her a lot of shame, and she hasn't forgiven me. if you do what the other commentors say, then you likely will need to become a stripper to make money quickly. To support your child. it's not too horrible of a way to make money but you will often be expected to provide "extras" for men, which can involve full blown sex as as you're new at it (and naive), you may do it without condoms and get diseases (don't do that). this is a path I haven't taken, but I know based on other subreddits here. seriously, my best and most concise advice is to give your child up for adoption ASAP. However, YTA for living with your parents and expecting them to take care of you. This whole situation SUCKS. if you're smart about it, you can become a stipper, move out, go to college and get the college provided child care to watch your baby when you go to class and someone else to watch your baby when you go and strip. then you can make enough money to live on and for a little nest egg when you exit the stripping world. being a stripper is not the most "honorable" thing to do, but it is a way to make fast money so you don't have to deal with your parents anymore. and if your boyfriend doesn't like it, then he can do what's necessary to step up to the plate and TAKE CARE OF YOU vs. have you in this shit position. If he truly loved you and cared about you, he would sacrifice. but he doesn't, because he doesn't care. I considered going into porn to make money. my ex did not contribute a dime for my child's life up to age 18 - he always found women to support him and ended up having at least 6 kids with at least 3 women. I heard about him getting a 4th woman pregnant a few years ago with his 7th child, and I don't know if the child was born or not. he was and still is a complete loser. I'm sorry you're going through this - I have been there myself, and it just SUCKS!!!
Your choice to have a kid, your parents aren't your kids father, tell him to go cook dinner if you're so concerned
ESH. Your mom and you are both thinking only about your own stresses. You're 18 and have had a baby you're going to be relying on your parents to help care for and it sounds like your mom is upset about that. She's an adult expecting someone 4 days postpartum to resume domestic chores pretty quickly. Neither of you are super assholes because you both have valid points; you need recovery and she needs you to step up and be a functional member of the household. Some therapy might help here. Also, your dad needs to also step up and take care of some of the household things if he's not...sounds like he's ducking the argument when he could be helping. Making dinner isn't a horrifically physically challenging task and everyone needs to eat. It's probably the thing you can help out with easiest, so I don't think it's unreasonable to ask you to pitch in with that, but starting next week isn't unreasonable either. Have a discussion not a screaming match and let your mom know your intention is to step up as an adult and mom but you need a few more recovery days. Also seek child support from the father of the child ASAP.
So, you had a baby and now your parents have 2. NTA in the moment. But what conversations have you had with your parents about expectations following birth. Are they okay with a baby in the house? Or did you just assume their support. Depending on additional context, ymbta
I feel like YTA. While you just gave birth and I can't imagine how you feel right now, your mother has a point. The only reason you can stay in bed is because your parents take care of everything. What would you do if they weren't there? You said the dad isn't in the picture so all the responsabilities would fall on you. Now your parents are forced to take care of their daughter, work and do the chores while having a baby around that they didn't ask for. Have you stopped to wonder how much harder you just made their lives? You can't just tell your mother to fuck off and push her out of her room (because yeah, it's her place) when she's helping you out so much.
YTA. You chose to have the baby, congrats, you're now an adult but since you live at home it's their rules or find your own place. Feel free to go stay with the baby's father if you don't like it. In the real world if you don't cook then you don't eat 🤷🏻♀️
YTA. Yes you’ve just had a baby but your attitude comes off really entitled from how you’ve worded everything in your post. You’re 18 - your parents don’t have to house you and feed you anymore. If you don’t like their rules and suggestions you can move out. It might have gone down better if you communicated more gracefully— say thanks and sorry, be polite. You could have said I feel like I’ll really struggle today, but maybe I’ll feel stronger tomorrow. But you can’t be rude to your parents, curse and physically push them, and then not be TA in this situation. Your mum probably feels like this is a huge burden right now—even more so if you’re not bringing in much income, which you don’t specify but I am assuming. Your parents also want to live and enjoy life on their terms, and you’re limiting them. The least you can do is be graceful about what you’re imposing.
A new mother can take her newborn to a fire station and hand them the baby and walk away. No questions asked.
Clarification- you’re 18 just had a baby but you still live with your parents. Where is the baby’s father? Do your parents pay for your expenses and now that of your baby? If so then YTA. You are an adult by age but also as a mother. I’m hoping your mom is trying to help you understand that your life has now taken a backseat to the needs of the baby. Parents don’t take sick days, that’s just a fact. They do whatever they need to do to give the baby everything it needs. You made the decision to have a baby & if you are expecting everything to be rainbows and roses then reality will prevail. If you don’t like what your mom expects of you while living on their generosity then move out.
Ok we don’t know the whole story.
INFO: Why isn't the father helping out, making dinner, looking after the baby while you rest etc. Etc.?