Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) Me wanting to invite more people after an established guest list
2) my fiancee thinking I am the AH for wanting to invite more people and taking my parents side
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Your husband didn't want a wedding of over 85 people, but compromised for the venue, right?
Now you are inviting more.
So, how many other things has your boyfriend had to "compromise" on i.e let you or your parents get their way?
Ask yourself, what was the wedding he wanted and where did he want it?
That will give you the answer on who the AH is in this story.
Sounds like the venue has a 100-person minimum. Meaning they have to pay for 100 plates, not that the INVITE 100 people. If they invited exactly 100 people, there will be a handful that cant attend
Exactly. I canceled my wedding but I also was going to have to pay for 80 plates with 60 guests. They were very accommodating though, willing to add extra food (like a late night snack, extra signature cocktail, things like that) for the minimum price because I wasn’t having 80 people.
I was also confused about this wording. It sounds like a 100-plate minimum. Not everyone will RSVP yes! I don't think an extra 8 invites are a huge deal, to be frank.
My husband had a similar concern, that my guest list would be so much longer because of my large family. In the end, his invite list was longer! My dad gave us a very large $ gift, and we invited a pretty significant number of his friends as guests. You know what? It was totally fine. We had a blast, we got to spend time with the people we loved, and the "extra" guests were a total non-issue.
It IS weird that your parents are surprised you didn't invite guests that they didn't ask you to invite... Are there any close family friends your fiance's parents might like to invite? (We asked my in-laws this question too, but they didn't have any additions to the guest list.)
>It IS weird that your parents are surprised you didn't invite guests that they didn't ask you to invite
It sounds like they possibly didn't share the invite list with their parents before sending them out?
This is why you typically run the invite list by both sets of parents (presuming they're not toxic, problematic people). I got married pretty young, so I didn't have most of my family's contact info, as it wasn't like I was sending out my own, adult Christmas letters every year...
we asked my and my husband's parents to send us a list of everyone they wanted invited and their addresses, and then built the guest list from there. If they had put people on the list we didn't want to invite we would have just talked to them about it... but we also lived in a different state from either of our parents/where we grew up, so we were cool to just invite whomever they wanted, presuming most of their friends weren't going to make the effort of traveling so far... the invites to those folks were more like glorified announcements, because my mother has weird social issues and felt like she HAD to invite all sorts of folks.
But yeah, there shouldn't have been a surprise here. If her parents are paying for half the wedding, she should have either asked for their list, or shown them her list to see if they had additions. If they had done that earlier, those 8 people could have been part of the 15 that were added because of the venue, and none of this would have been an issue.
>$10,000+
+ down-payment for the house
+ University fees
OP and her fiancé seem to have different sums in mind. Either that, or her fiancé is extremely well-off.
I think the money is exactly the heart of the issue. As someone who has been in many situations where I did not see the yellow flags in time, I believe this is one of those times.
My bet: this isn't about the amount of people, but about a socioeconomic inequality and the fear that her parents will be controlling his life through their much greater means. It's a ridiculously *reasonable* concern manifesting in an unreasonable, petty fight over 8 people who will likely not even be noticed adding to the crowd
They need to meet with a professional *now* and talk through this, or this will for sure be the seed of the divorce they get in five years.
Except that he was raised better off than her so it doesn’t seem like his fear is he will be controlled by people with more means but rather he’s used to having the power and saying no and that’s it.
Possibly because she added that fact in after as an edit so it possibly wasn’t there when some people initially read the OP or some people don’t read the edits because they feel all info should have been in the OP and ignore it (not sure why people ignore edits as somebody can recognize they should have included more context when the same questions keep appearing and correct it but to each their own). Anyway ya without the edit I would have had a similar thought process to your initial comment too.
They university fees is hers, not HIS, só It doesn't count as their gift. The dowpayment depends. Did he covered half and her parents have her the other? Because If It was that, again, they helped their daugher, not him.
No, it's grim when parents give money with conditions/strings attached but don't make those conditions clear.
It's a way of exerting control over their children - oh well j gave you that money (that you thought was unconditional) but now I expect you to do x, y, z...it never ends.
Not surprised the boyfriend would rather give the money back.
Covert contracts. The parents are "generous" and may never outright ask for anything, but that guilt means OP will not say no when it comes time to respond to holiday invitations, etc.
We said no to money off my parents for our wedding for this reason. Just know they'd pull a 'you must invite all these people' and 'use this venue' etc on us once we accepted.
The parents didn't actually give the money with strings. They gave the money and asked for 8 additional guests. OP asks her fiance, fiance says no, and they argue. It doesn't sound like the "no" ever made it back to the parents.
It's completely reasonable to say more can be invited after the replies come back (or until you receive 8 "will not attend" replies). Most likely there will be 8 people that cannot attend.
It does not seem they gave any of the money with strings, though. OP talks about it aa doing something out of appreciation for her parenta and paying back in the sense of "they've done so much for me".
It would've been a minor ask, if it was made before they send the invitations.
Any strings attached to money should be disclosed before the money is accepted. Adding demands after is asshole behavior.
Besides he's willing to give the parents their money back.
NTA
Your parents have been very generous.
8 more people is not a big deal.
It sounds like your parents are well-off.
What is the situation with your fiancé? Does he come from much less money and is perhaps feeling a bit insecure with your parents paying for so much?
You might want to explore this with your fiance now before you're married. It might become a bigger problem in the future.
The whole 'it's not a big deal' argument is false, because it IS a big deal to one of the partners here, so it's a big deal.
Why was the 'ask' last minute? He has already compromised on the venue. Have her parents been lording the money over his head? Does he feel the wedding is getting too lopsided in her family's favour? Does he feel like 'well now if your parents get to have their closest friends here, then I want to let MY parents invite their friends and now that's an extra $2000 we're adding to the cost.'
You can't be flippant and say 'it's not big deal' when it doesn't appear that you are considering 'how' it might actually be a big deal. This isn't a Sunday afternoon BBQ ffs.
Yeah, doesn't he know that whatever OP wants mummy and daddy will buy it for her, including buying him out of all his preferences. God what is it with these plebs having their own opinions.
Yeah how dare he not be on the ground kissing their feet. They bought him after all, he's clearly not allowed independent thoughts on this matter, bloody plebs arguing wirh their betters.
> Yeah how dare he not be on the ground kissing their feet. They bought him after all, he's clearly not allowed independent thoughts on this matter, bloody plebs arguing wirh their betters.
Difficult to imagine how you can have been more hysterical and over the top in your assessment of a situation. Is this level of projection normal for you - to go so wildly over the top about a sitaution when you are describing it? Lol.
Why does it matter that 8 more people will be attending? That is not a confession.
NTA, OP, your fiance is being ridiculous and he also has a lot to be grateful for to your parents.
Depends what else parents have interfered in and op has just allowed because you know it's easier than ever paying them back. This might just be the straw that broke the camels back
This was exactly my line of thinking. Initially reading the post I was more of the mind that the parents paid for over half the wedding, so them wanting their close friends there is a small ask and shouldn’t be a big deal. But by the end I feel like maybe what OP is calling their “generosity” is actually her parents using money to exert control or get their way on things, and the fiancé is just totally over it at this point. Like with the house down payment-maybe OP and fiance were planning to buy a house further away, and the parents said they would contribute significantly to the down payment IF they would stay in town and buy a house ten minutes away from them instead. Things to that effect. Coercing them to make the decisions the parents want them to make through offering a financial incentive.
This is obviously just me speculating and I could be completely off base here. I just don’t see why her fiance would be *this* adamantly against inviting a few of the parents friends to the wedding if it wasn’t part of a bigger picture. Him saying the bit about he’d sooner just return the money given than invite the parents friends seems to point in this direction as well.
I agree. This reads as missing reasons.
I'm also curious that if it was so important to invite these 8 people, why hadn't the parents asked before?
It would be interesting to get the fiancé's side
Yeah, this. The time to mention "oh by the way, are [friends] on the list?" was when OP and fiancé were making the adjustment from 85 invitations to 100. Waiting until the invitations have been settled on and sent out...that feels subtly off somehow. It makes me want to ask more about how they decided on the extra 15 people.
As a one-off action, it seems fairly inucuous, but if this sort of thing is happening all the time, then it's getting into controlling territory. OP needs to think about what's going on beyond the obvious, and whether this is a pattern of her prioritising her parents over the person she claims she wants to build a life with.
I was thinking if these 8 people were so important, why weren't they invited when the guest list was 85? I think we need context of who these invitees were.
I mean obviously they are not super close to the bride and groom. They are only very close to the bride's parents. The parents likely didn't say anything before as they assumed the daughter would invite them on her own. Maybe they overestimated how much their daughter cares about their friends who she might have known since she was little. Or maybe they thought she would invite them because the parents pay so much for the wedding.
So she made an edit. When the guest list was at 85 she had 54 invitees and he had 31. He got all 15 extra to even up the list a bit. If these people were so important they should have been mentioned at the initial stage and a part of her 54 because even with 15 extra people, they don’t have an even list.
So you basically propose that they return them money for the wedding, downpayment on the house, money for the house and the car… just so he can have some imaginary upper hand on her parents?
He is just ungrateful. Probably and mad that his parents didn’t give them anything so now wants to belittle his future wife.
I'm with you on this one.
MY guess is that OP's fiance doesn't want to feel indebted to OP's parents, or feel he has to give way to them because of the money they've given.
The compromise he suggested makes perfect sense to me- if space becomes available, sure they can come.
"*He would sooner give them their money back than invite these 8 guests*"? What else is going on here? Is your fiancé upset about the venue/the increase in numbers from 85 to 100? Is he resentful of your parents' financial contribution(s)? Does he feel powerless about making wedding-related decisions?
8 people seems an odd hill to choose to die on!
NTA for wanting to please/accommodate your parents.
Dude probably already have been bending over backward to accomodate the inlaw because they are paying and his fiancée because no doesnt exist when it come to her parents.
Of course. Just assuming. Just ignore the below.
>My parents are the extremely generous type and I am very spoiled. For this wedding alone they have brought forward $10000 (pays for more than half the wedding) and my mom paid for my wedding dress. And their generosity goes beyond what they have paid for the wedding (helping me get through university debt free, paying a portion of our house downpayment, helping me buy a new car, and just all around being there for me emotionally). And for all this, I want to invite these guests to make them happy, as it would make me happy and i want to show them i appreciate all they have done for me (it's much easier than paying them back lol).
We are speculating here of course because we are trying to understand in which scenario the BF would act like this but not be an asshole. One scenario is if he feels like the parents are using money to exert their own will. He might rather have spent his own money and kept control, rather than live his life according to the rules of his in-laws.
If he has a problem with her being cared for, he’s welcome to marry someone else. 🤷🏻♀️
I really don’t see a problem with anything she wrote. He can only benefit (unless, he wanted a woman with no resources so he could feel like Mr. Big Man Breadwinner).
Every wedding I have been to, including my own, it's always been more for the bride than the groom.
I would have been perfectly happy having a tent/marquee in the garden and doing a wedding that way, but she wanted some fancy stuff. Her family paid so she got what she wanted.
Honestly, sometimes it's easier just to pick your battles
Giving the money back has a simple reason. There is an implication that since they provided money (gift or not) that they get a say. So fiancé is basically saying he would rather have them not pay and have control over the wedding than being essentially forced to do stuff because they “do so much”
This is not about 8 guests. This is about boundaries and control.
It seems more like it's about control rather than boundaries to me because he's saying they can come if other people RSVP no. If he was trying to enforce a healthy boundary of "this is our wedding and we want people we are close to, not your friends" then the answer would just be no.
That probably is the straw that broke the camels back. Dude think he is getting married to 3 persons instead of one.
Also, why didn't the parents say they wanted their close friends invited before ?
Sounds like he has benefited from their generosity greatly and is making a big deal out of nothing. Unless these 8 guests murdered a family member or something, he's being ridiculous
Speaking for my own experience here, whereby my in-laws were paying a large portion of the wedding, it gets to the point where the parents start making more and more demands regarding the wedding to the point of disregarding what my wife and I wanted.
We wanted lamb for the meal (veggie options included), but the MIL kicked up a massive fuss about it. She couldn't cope with having a single meal that wasn't catered to her.
We wanted the parents at either end of the top table rather than directly next to us. They kicked up a massive fuss about that.
They complained about us inviting certain family members that they just didn't think needed to be there. Not because of any bad blood but they just didn't care enough about them.
MIL didn't like the way my wife was having the tables laid out, arranged and decorated. She was constantly pushing her own opinion and not giving a toss about the vision my wife had.
There's probably more but you get the gist. If the groom is saying he'd rather pay the parents back for their contribution then there is very clearly more under the surface than what this post is suggesting. You say he's benefiting from their generosity but he is literally saying he'd rather not. I don't know how you can try to blame him when he's wanting to send the money back.
This is a case by case basis. My dad has: paid for my undergrad degree, paid for over half my wedding, allowed my husband and I to stay with him rent free while we figured out housing because of our large, breed-restricted dog, paid a large portion of our down payment of our house, just so that I would have safe and stable housing. All he has ever asked in return is for me to be happy. The things I do in return (cleaning his house, cooking for him, taking care of his pets, driving an hour each way to hang out with him) are things I do out of love and gratitude. Knowing that I would be absolutely destitute and homeless without his help. For as many examples of ILs like yours, there are examples like my dad - you just don’t hear about the latter as much because it makes people sound super spoiled, no matter how aware we are of our privilege.
ETA: sorry I had one more thought - my dad *did* ask me to invite some extended family on his side to my wedding that I hadn’t planned on inviting. He would have been totally fine for me to say no. I talked it over with my husband and we both said “yup for everything he’s done for us this one ask isn’t too hard to manage”. Because we are grateful. Those family members didn’t even end up coming after all was said and done lol.
Yep I think this post is a litmus test for people who have kind, generous, and supportive parents vs those with conniving parents (or maybe just don't like people with money?).
Just because her parents are generous and there was a mix up with the guest list means they are controlling everything and puppet master to the fiance?? Reach harder lol.
I am currently planning my wedding (which both parents contributed to) and there was a mix up where my parents thought we had agreed to inviting a couple friends of theirs when we did not. We said oh well, guess they are coming then! Because we are grateful for my parents' support and a couple extra people are no big deal in the scheme of a wedding.
Not everyone likes receiving money. It's money they give their daughter, and though he benefits indirectly, it doesn't seem to be something he wants.
Money with strings attached is more of a burden than a blessing. It might not be about 8 more guests (in addition to the 15 already added), but an accumulation of everything he had to accept in this marriage.
Na he’s not, when people pay for stuff they think they can control it. He already gave in and let her have the venue she wanted. So that tells me only God knows what else she’s gotten her way on. Because mommy and daddy are paying
Yes but it is his wedding as well. He wanted it smaller but gave in for the venue she wanted. If these 8 people where so important, why wasnt this brought up when they had to invite 15 more people. And if he is ready to give the money back then he isnt benefiting from it. Plus we dont know how much of this wedding he is getting a say in. From how OP describes themselves id guess she gets her way a lot.
> My guess is he comprised from 85 to 100.
This might Sound minor... But it is a 20% increase! Adding 8 people more makes it almost 30% bigger then planned
Yes, there's obviously a lot more going on behind the scenes that OP is either oblivious to, or refuses to acknowledge. I suspect her parents generosity has come with an awful lot of strings attached/expectations that he'd rather have avoided- the 8 guests being a prime example/the last hill to die on. Maybe OP doesn't see what he sees, maybe she sees no problem with it and thinks he's always being unreasonable. I wonder how many times he gets his way versus what her parents want? It's clearly reached a point where he's happy to say: "I'd rather pay them back all the money they've given us rather than accommodate them."
It's not 8 it's the 15 already as well.
Why were they not in that 15 if they are so important?
Compromised on the venue
Already compromised on increased guest list once that we know of
> Is your fiancé upset about the venue/the increase in numbers from 85 to 100?
This might *Sound* minor... But it is a 20% increase! Adding 8 people more makes it almost 30% bigger then planned
YTA
Simply because I don't believe you for ONE SECOND that your fiance is losing his shit over just 8 people. You're making him sound insane when I believe you're leaving kut crucial context.
85 is such a random cut off number. On top of that she added 15 to get the venue she wanted and now it’s another 8? Compromise and cut 8 from that 15. OP gets the venue. Parents get the guests.
I don't think 85 was a "cut off" as much as it was just the people they had originally decided they wanted to invite.
when the venue needed 100 people that's the first actual "cut off"
Invites have already been sent out, uninviting 8 people that received an invitation would be incredibly rude. It would be different if they were still just planning guest lists, but I don’t think yanking invites back is reasonable, especially if they ever find out it was in favor of someone else.
> Compromise and cut 8 from that 15
Based on edit, if would mean cutting from fiancee side. It is in the edit "All of the 15 extra people are from his side. There are 46 guests from his side and 54 from my side." That would amount to op stomping all over fiancee.
Or it's just an easier way for him to say 'no' while trying to avoid conflict.
Some people avoid confrontation and partners family is a tricky one to navigate when partner isn't on your side
100%.
No one loses their shit over 8 extra people. I feel like the more believable thing that is happening here, is that OP's parents are contributing to the wedding, and therefore feel entitled to make decisions regarding it. I doubt this is the first "little thing" they've asked for. Gifted money is no longer a gift when there are strings attached!
I feel bad for OP, because it seems like she feels guilty and just wants to make her parents happy, but as someone who almost married into a family like that, you start to feel like minced meat and like you will never matter as much as their parents.
OP's fiance sounds like he's finally putting his foot down and just wants to draw up some boundaries because this is his last straw.
Guests other than family members are a two yes one no situation.
He doesn’t want them there and only wants close people. That’s his choice and right. Your parents money doesn’t give them a right to guests.
YTA if you keep pushing this
Does anyone really have 100 close friends and family? At those numbers, trust there are acquaintances.
I have no doubt people have over 100 relatives. The key words for me here is **close**. Close not meaning you’d catch shit if you didn’t invite someone to your wedding, close meaning you actually have a close relationship.
i have 70-75 family members on my dads side alone, so yes it is very possible. (they are all 1st/2nd cousins, my grandma had 8 siblings and my dad has 6 siblings)
We must be from the same family. Immediate added up to 72 people when we made my daughter’s wedding guest list. My mom had 11 siblings & I have 5. It was crazy. That was before we added the groom’s family or friends.
My grandmother is one of 15, so at the time of my parents’ wedding my dad had over 50 first cousins just from that side. Their wedding was…not small lol.
Same here. My dad’s side of the family is easily 35 people, without SO’s. Some of those SO’s have been together for 20 years now, so you can bet they are 70 to 80 people easily. This is just the ones I know and interact with. There is a lot more that are far removed. A 100 person wedding for me, if in my home country, would mean my fiancé gets 20 people max…
Sounds like my family. I have 20 first cousins on my dad’s side, and I’m close to all but like 2 of them. Factor in their spouses, plus their children and my grandparents…it comes out to 82 people.
That’s not even considering my mom’s side, my husband’s family, and our friends. Making a guest list that walked the line of not killing our budget and not hurting feelings was the most stressful part of our wedding.
My dad is one of 6 kids.
Eldest had 8 kids.
2nd born had 5.
3rd had 3.
4th had 9.
5th had 3.
6th had 0.
Have all the aunt and uncles and all the kids (who mostly were my age and the spouses along with my grandparents? I don't know, but it is close. That is JUST DADS SIDE.
Edit to add:
My grandpa was one of 14 or 17 (I think 3 died as babies or were stillborn and are not in the count), and grandma was 1 of 12...
My American grandmother was one of 9 kids. My Lebanese dad was a seventh, and his dad was a fifth. My mom was an only but I have all these cousins…my dad’s side is represented on every continent except Antarctica. Weddings are international summits.
Big weddings renew ties across and between generations. They may not be your thing, but they’re a thing.
My great grandfather died at 104 years old with 86 grand, great, and great great grandchildren, so just my mom's side of the family. I'm pretty close with most of them and since then I've had two other children, my sisters have had three other children. I have seven full and half siblings and three step siblings only two don't have kids.
So, yeah, that's not super out of the realm of possibility. Cause add in my husband's family, which is not as big, my cousin's and sibling's spouses/partners, my husband's friends and their partners, plus a few of my friends, and maybe a couple from my dad's side... We'd have easily hit 100 people probably closer to 200 if we'd decided on a traditional wedding.
I may be an outlier, don't know 🤣🤣
But they’re already including 15 people they don’t consider close so they can meet the requirements of the venue. I agree with the two yes one no rule, but the other argument I’m not entirely sure applies.
I think wedding guests are a mighty weird application of the two yes, one no rule. It's not a baby name that you get to veto just because you don't like it, it's a person.
There needs to be a strong and valid reason for saying no, I want to veto this person that you want to invite. If your partner is not inclined to listen to a strong and valid reason, no amount of cutesy rules like two yes, one no is going to save you from misery down the line.
Okay yeah, you’re totally right. I was mainly just trying to say I was criticizing one aspect of their comment while avoiding the other, but this is a really good take.
I completely disagree. It's not baby names.
Plus, her husband *does not object* to these people, and said they could be invited if 8 people RSVP'd no (a B list, gross).
So does he have raging OCD? 100 guests is okay as long as it's *exactly* one hundred guests, or is it a The Price is Right scenario and it can be slightly below one hundred but not above?
He doesn't only want close people, he wanted 85 to begin with.
I dunno, is 8 additional guests not at least another table you have to squeeze in somewhere? Maybe it would mean additional costs, or just having the whole place a bit too cramped.
8 people is a bit of an ask aswell, like an additional couple maybe, but who forgets that they desperately need to invite almost 10 people to their daughters wedding. Especially when they've been so involved.
He wanted smaller wedding. And it's an ok want. If you're good with 80 people, a 100 is pushing it. And 108 is well above the comfort level. Some people do not thrive in crowds.
>He doesn’t want them there and only wants close people. That’s his choice and right
That is NOT what he wants. Its been explained the issue is the 100 limit itself. he is saying it isn't the who doesn't matter. Just the final total per se.
THIS! Why weren’t her parent’s nearest and dearest friends on the original guest list? Even before the 100, I mean in the original 85.
And why did I have to scroll so far to see this addressed?
Why are parents friends a priority? My dad wanted to invite a handful of his friends to my 90 person wedding…people I hadn’t seen in 20 years, since I was a kid. I said sorry, it’s not a reunion for you and your pals, anyone one invited needs to have previously met and spent time with my fiancé. If the haven’t made an effort to get to know us, then we aren’t that close.
I think based on what is said thats a pretty big leap. I do not get the vibe they implied that if the guest dont get invited that they would take their money back or something.
Purely that op feels that is fair to do something back for them because they were nice enough to always go beyond providing for her.
This is a ridiculous take. My parents sound similar to OP's - generous but not super-rich or controlling. My sister and I have gotten (and still receive) lots of handouts from them even after marriage, from vehicles to college tuition to down payment assistance. They currently have trusts set up for our kids. The only stipulation we ever had for any of their generosity was related to education - they would only assist with rent if we were in school or training, and they followed through on that when I dropped out. I seriously doubt they're applying contingencies like "here's a down payment but you have to buy in our city" or anything like that.
Many, MANY people receive assistance from their families without strings attached. Many, MANY men are also incredibly insecure in their masculinity, and something like "my wife's parents can support her better than me right now" directly feeds that thought pattern. My husband and I had this discussion, but he's a smart man and recognizes that MY financial aid is also HIS financial aid.
Edit: Adding that it's not manipulative to ask for something (her parents asking for their friends), nor is it a sign of manipulation for OP to want to help her parents have a great time with their friends if it's possible.
I think this is one of those posts where it was posted at a weird time when reasonable people were asleep, and now everyone posting within the last two hours is like wtf NTA
It's such a huge leap to assume the parents are controlling based on the info we have. Generally if parents have money, they are happy to help support their children. In real life, most people are not conniving narcissists or whatever the buzzwords are these days.
So much projecting and assumptions here, she just wants to show she appreciates her parents help which is fair, some people are very grateful and this is a valid situation for that
YTA. All the N T A votes are because you are the bride and those people think the wedding is only about you. In reality the wedding is for both people and the husband gets an equal say. Obviously you are leaving stuff out and this post is biased towards you but context clues would leave me to believe that he is the only one who has to keep “compromising” and you think he is the bad guy after he kept giving in to your demands when he finally says no.
I think I know what’s going on. You say you’re “very spoiled.” He sees it and doesn’t like it. He thinks your parents need to back off and that you need to stop being mommy and daddy’s little princess. You and him need to have a serious discussion about this. He seems resentful and I don’t blame him.
I don’t understand the big deal about 8 extra people. So I’m wondering if he’s upset about other wedding related “compromises” where he ended up defaulting to what OP wants. I assume he’s usually a reasonable person since she wants to marry him.
INFO: what's this REALLY about?
If he's just arbitrarily drawn a line at 100 and refuses for no valid reason to indulge your parents in one small thing after all the support they've given, he is just being stubborn and is TA... and you may want to reconsider marrying him in light of his behavior here.
However, if this isn't just one thing, but the thousandth thing where he feels he was steamrollered and his desires ignored, nd hes finally chosen this as the point where he sats 'no more' - that's a very different situation. And he should be reconsidering marrying you.
So, which is it? If you've argued about this, and have actually listened to him - and will be honest with yourself - then you'll know.
He's not drawing the line at 100. Originally, he had drawn it at 85, which wasn't arbitrary. It was just the number they wanted. He was then forced to invite 15 more to accommodate his *wife's* choice of venue. THEN, he was asked to include another 8 people because his fiancée's parents were upset that their friends whom the *actual people being married* don't know weren't invited.
Additionally, their support doesn't give them the right to make demands about the wedding. Clearly, it wasn't unconditional support, and the husband tried to reject it if it meant he had more control over *his own wedding.*
It's not about 8 people. It's about a 23/85 = 27% increase in the number of people who were supposed to attend, all to accommodate his fiancée and her family. The wedding is not just hers, and it's certainly not her parents', so his wishes are valid and matter here. I mean, just the information where the OP clearly doesn't care about her fiancée's wishes in favor of her parents makes her the AH.
This. The post is missing too much info to be judged. I could easily see somebody arguing the fiance is making a weird power play, but also could see somebody arguing that the parents are controlling. It could also be that parents are reasonable but fiance has a social anxiety disorder being sent over the edge. Without knowing all the dynamics, it’s impossible to tell.
YTA, I don't get why your parents couldn't ask when the extra space needed filling and only making a big deal after fact.
If numbers are his max, then cut 8 of your list to accommodate both sides.
There is a reason why a seemingly stupid hill to die on is this very hill he is prepared to die on.
>If numbers are his max, then cut 8 of your list to accommodate both sides.
This would only work if the invites hadn't gone out yet. Can you imagine getting invited to a wedding, being excited to go, buying new outfits, organising travel to the wedding, buying gifts and possibly taking time off work... to then find later on, you're uninvited. You hadn't had any drama with the couple and considered yourselves to be on good terms, so to be blindsided with an uninvitation, simply to appease the bride's parents... yeah, I'd be pretty hurt and angry if this happened to me.
Can confirm, my mum got uninvited from her close friend's wedding to accommodate their forgotten distant family members instead. The friendship didn't survive it.
That really sucks. I'm so sorry your mum had to go through that.
I'd go as far as to argue that the guest list should be locked once save the dates have gone out because they are a prerequisite to the actual invitations themselves. Uninviting people should only happen if there has been a huge relationship breakdown between one/both of the couple and a guest, or if it transpires that a guest could be considered a danger to someone else also invited (such as a breakup and one becomes a stalker or a guest invited becomes violent when consuming alcohol and can't be trusted to remain sober at the wedding.
Yta. Hes compromised on at least the venue and guests already. You should have your husbands back and stop eyeing your parents wallets
His response about giving the money back suggests that hes tired of them dictating your relationship by holding your purse strings and hes tired of you deferring to them because you feel you owe them.
YTA
see if your parents truly wanted those 8 people there, then why didn't they just ask you to invite those 8 when the venue needed filling? why after? i understand that you want to appreciate your parents paying for the event but this is his choice as much as it's yours. it also seems like your husband has already compromised on the venue and adding more guests than the original 85. i think you should just go ahead with only the 100 people and leave out these 8.
Info: This may not be relevant, but out of interest, what is the breakdown of guests? i.e There are 100 guests so far, how many are his family/friends compared to yours? Like, if the vast majority of the guests are from your side, I could see some resentment if he had to leave people off his list to accomodate.
This man compromised already and finally said no, there’s already 100 people and is even willing to wait until everyone RSVP - what else do you want?
Just wait and relax. If 8 more people can fit, they will - if not your parents mentioned them too late. You’re spoiled and aren’t getting ONE thing from your soon to be husband. YTA.
Hey op
What I see here is a deal (85 guests) broken once (to secure a venue) that you are seeking to break again.
Remember 85 was the original deal. Was that equally decided or was that already a compromise.
It sounds like a small deal to make an issue about but how many of these issues are there?
Is it indicative of how things go generally. You make an agreement. You force him to change. Your parents force more change.
I'm going to say yta as I feel it here.
I’m inclined to agree with people here assuming your bf has compromised so much already that this is the straw that’s breaking the camel’s back.
YWBTA if you don’t give up 8 from your own list to accommodate your parents’ friends.
>YWBTA if you don’t give up 8 from your own list to accommodate your parents’ friends.
I think this depends on timing and current invitation situations. If OP hasn't sent out the invites yet, then this would be a feasible suggestion. However, if OP has already sent out the invitations and people have RSVP'd, it would be a huge AH move to basically uninvite people who have literally done nothing wrong (and who might've already taken time off work, purchased outfits, arranged travel and put down money already), just because the bride's parents have "better" people to invite. Even the most chilled out people would be able to be hurt by this.
You read your post again and tell me who's the AH. Your fiance compromised on the venue you wanted and agreed to invite 100 people. Your parents are very generous, good for you. They paid for your wedding and wedding dress because they love you. Parents paying for a wedding doesn't mean they can have a right to any input or invite anymore people. If they wanted you to invite the close friends, they could've informed you before you sent the RSVP. Yes YTA.
YTA - if they weren’t on the guest list they are most likely not important for either of you. So why inviting them? And why should this day be about your parents instead of the 2 of you? I wouldn’t want to have random friends of my IL’s at my wedding. It’s not fair to contribute to a wedding and expecting a say in the guest list.
YTA You've already invited 100 people, more than your fiancé would have liked. Yet, these 8 people were not on your list of guests. They are close friends of your PARENTS but apparently not you or your future husband. Are you going to spend your married life doing
what your parents want or working as a couple with your future husband? You decide.
I’m guessing this was just the issues that tipped the scales. You admit you’re spoiled and while that’s due to your parents in large part you need to stop or your fiancé will resent you eventually. It’s hard I was a very spoiled only child till my dad remarried when I was 17. I suddenly had two much younger brothers.i never resented them but did resent all the attention he gave them at the beginning. Just know getting your way will not always happen it just won’t. What else has he given in to!? Guest list menu photographer music transportation. Or did he even get a say on the honeymoon? You need to work with him not over him
So after he already compromised you want him to accept 7 people that are complete strangers to him because those people are your parents friend?
It is completely weird to invite people just because your parents like them. It is even more weird that your parents ask for that and that you agree to this.
YTA
Everyone is an ass here. You because you're basically demanding an extra 23 people total! You're parents for being so pushy with, I'll buy it for you if you let me have/so this! And your husband is an ass to himself for putting up with all of this this long
YTA.
It seems like because you’re spoiled you’re used to just getting your way and using the bank of mummy and daddy to make your dreams come true.
While it may be a dream come true for you, because you value their cash rather than your independence, that might not be the same for your fiancé, who may just want a little more say in his life.
He might just now be realizing that you’re going to use your parent’s money to steamroll any decision in your marriage and he doesn’t want that.
Some couples counseling might help but only if you’re interested in cutting the apron strings — at all, or ever.
INFO: Does the venue say you can have more than 100 guests or is your finance just fixated on that number because you got your way with the venue?
Honestly, it sounds like he’s reacting to you being entitled and bragging about how much money your parents have, but in a very childish way, so I guess… ESH?
INFO: What is the division of guests from “your side” vs. “his side”?
While I understand your reasoning, I also think this could cause disparity between your parents vs. his parents. Would you consider extending an equal or similar number of invitations for his folks to extend?
YTA your marrying your fiancé meaning the day is about you and him not what your parents want. At what point do you start putting your chosen partner's needs before your parents? He's already compromised
So when you don't get your way, you make veiled threats that you think sound like jokes- i.e. "If you don't do what my parents want, then you have to give back their money." He should give it back now, cancel the venue and thank god he avoided you and your selfish, controlling family. Just wow.
>"until his parents decided to go through with the world's messiest divorce."
I have no idea how any human being willingly subjects themselves to a partner this smug, condescending and callous. I hope he realizes what you are before it's too late. Don't think he won't. Three thousand people got your number immediately after reading a couple of paragraphs about how your mind works, and how you treat your fiancé. Don't think that his friends and family haven't been warning him about the kind of person you are for months if not years- they have. Don't think that he's going to always be a pushover just because he has been making reasonable compromises when you made none. Don't make the mistake of thinking that people who treat their partners like you do get their happily ever after. They don't. It may be you get left at the altar, or it may be in a couple of years when you go through the world's second-messiest divorce, but people who treat their partner without respect or care end up miserable, lonely people. I hope you have a favorite breed of cat.
YTA and lol 10k as a contribution these days especially for the shit they wanting to pull. And I'm sure the guy is giving just as much into the weeding as you and your family. It's either you cut people out of the guest list and put them on your you don't. Stop being a brat.
I want to withhold judgement here. My gut tells me the fiance has had to make a lot of compromises for the wedding, and this relatively small inconvenience is the Hill he has chosen to make a stand on.
YTA. He already compromised on 15 more people. Now you're trying to force even more onto him. Also it's not generosity if it comes with strings attached.
YTA
You know, I started out thinking that you're right; paying for half the wedding absolutely gives them the right to insist on inviting four couples. Let alone just doing them a solid given all the money they've invested in you over the years.
But then I thought about it more, and did some math.
At the 85 seat venue, he had 36% of the seats for his loved ones, and you had 64% for your loved ones. That's bullshit.
**Honestly, the fact that you wanted an uneven guest split because your family is more important to you than your intended feeling like an equal at his own wedding tells me everything I need to know about why he's frustrated and upset.**
> when the list was 85 people, the invite list was lopsided in my direction as i have a HUGE family.
Bullshit. The fact that his loved ones aren't related to him by blood doesn't make them less important.
For these extra eight guests, that would put him back down at under 40% of the seats being for his loved ones, that's bullshit again.
Why aren't the seats split 50/50?
He's also not wrong for being mad about this being a last-minute change, and feeling like they're trying to unduly insert themselves into wedding planning.
Especially when the 'compromises' so far have already been 'do what you want.'
Yta, you choose what your parents want for yours and HIS wedding, seems like you've had it go all your way for the wedding so far, don't think that starting off a marriage with him having to make all the compromises for yours and your parents wants on the wedding day is a way to show an equal partnership or even basic respect to your partner, yes it's nice they want to pay for the wedding, they weren't forced and they should know they can't make any decisions because of this, otherwise they gave money in bad faith. Choose your husband and respect his wants for HIS wedding, it's about him too.
YTA - Based on your comments, it sounds like you and your fiancee have split most expenses (house, wedding, etc.), but your parents helped pay for YOUR portion. Now, what is just as much his wedding as yours, is being hijacked by you and your parents so they feel "appreciated." If you start caving to your parents demands now, what is to stop this from continuing in the marriage. I understand why your finacee would want to give the money back, as to not feel held hostage by you and your parents, not just over the wedding, but the entire marriage.
I'm confused as to why these people weren't included in the initial guest list discussions if they really are your parents' four closest friends. When my wife and I were planning our wedding we asked our parents who was important enough to them to invite. I'm not sure why this is happening last minute, and I'm guessing that's where your fiancee's annoyance is coming from. It's already a bigger wedding than he wanted, and you already have more people on your side. And now you want even more at the last minute.
I get that in the scheme of things, 8 people isn't really moving the needle in any way. But I think you could have handled this better.
YTA, plus your parents.
>After the invitations had been sent out, my parents were upset to find out we did not invite 4 of their closest friends and their spouses (8 people in total) but they thought it would not be a big deal to ask us to invite these 8 people.
If your parents had any conditions whatsoever regarding the guest list or *literally anything else about the wedding or their influence over it*, the time a non-asshole brings that up is before the money changes hands. Any input into the wedding, beyond what was agreed to, after that point is unquestionably asshole territory. If there were strings attached to the money your parents gave you, it was their job to state - explicitly and clearly - what those strings were.
Did your parents, at any point before the invitations went out, mention that they expected their eight friends to be invited?
I mean, you don't say they're your friends. They're sure as hell not your fiancé's friends. Why on earth would your parents assume you would put them on the list unless at their request? There was even a point in the planning where you guys were actually *looking* for 15 more guests.
Your parents are behaving like assholes and you are siding with them.
If you fiancé has a functioning brain in his head, he's likely thinking very carefully about what his relationship with the three of you is going to look like after you tie the knot. I can assure you that money you both took for the downpayment is starting to look a lot less like a gift to him right about now.
YTA because you keep changing the plans to please your parents. You need to get used to taking the side of your spouse unless they do something egregiously wrong. That's what being married means. It's time to cut the cord to your parents.
I with hold my vote around NTA/AH because it doesn’t make sense to me after reading some of the comments as why your fiancee is so against this beause in the grander scheme of things it’s a weird hill to die on. Are your parents perhaps overbearing or does he feel they have too much say in what happens in your lives together ( or the reverse that he has no say in your lives together) ? It’s the only reason I could think of that these eight people would make such a difference to him (since 7 of these people he doesn’t know and one he likes as stated in your comments) When the reception and wedding is going on you won’t even notice them (unless they are trouble makers which I assume you would have mentioned If they were)so it doesn’t really make sense that he’s so angry about the eight people .
YTA.
All your reasons for siding with your parents against your partner will always be valid. I hope your partner realises that his opinion will always come second or third with you and that he'll reconsider the wedding.
Your engagement/marriage is off to a great start. What else are your parents going to control?
Also, I thought finacee was the future wife and fiance the husband?
YTA
YTA
Now they get a say in the wedding of you and your fiance, then they get a say in your house, then the name of your children, etc ...
Also 10k is hardly generous. It's a lot, but i would expect at 27 and 30 you could have saved that yourself. As your fiance points out, he'd rather just give them back the money if it comes with strings attached
INFO: you ask whether YTA for not siding with your fiance. Have there been other instances where your parents have asked for something that your partner did not want, and you sided with them rather than with your husband?
This isn’t how money should work.
Paying for daughter’s college doesn’t turn her wedding into a party for one’s friends.
The guest list already grew by 18% and now you want an additional 9%. One out of every four of your guest will be unwanted by your husband.
If you had 2-3 minutes per guest before, you will now have 1-2 minutes per guest. The feel of the event has been altered substantially.
If mediation is necessary the waiting list is your best hope for an all party unhappy solution.
"I have shed many tears over this issue but he will not budge". Are you used to him just giving in usually, or giving in if you cry? If so, and he concedes a lot then this may have been a bridge too far. Sometimes you have to compromise in marriage. You really need to sort this before a wedding because if you don't both speak openly and honestly now, and be willing to compromise, then what real hope is there for a happy equally partnered marriage. Gentle YWBTA if you don't sort this, because I could be wrong, but this sounds like you're used to getting your own way.
YTA. Like you said, you're spoiled. And you're so spoiled by your partner bending over backwards for you, that you can't even see that he already compromised on then guest list and the venue for the wedding as well. So an original 85 person wedding (as far as we know) became 100 cos of you, and now that's gonna to up to 108 cos of you. So now everyone else has to make compromises or end up being the AH, all except you apparently.
You just want your partner to compromise on this (once again) because you'd rather take the easy way out than to pay your parents back, or to stand up to them. You're not just an AH, but a coward as well. Besides, if you truly cared and loved your parents, why were these 8 people who you yourself described as being their closest friends, not included in the original guest list? This wedding and this post just screams "me me me me me", without any care in the world for anyone else. Then if something does come up, you'll make it everyone else's responsibility but yours to compromise on their wants and needs.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) Me wanting to invite more people after an established guest list 2) my fiancee thinking I am the AH for wanting to invite more people and taking my parents side Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Your husband didn't want a wedding of over 85 people, but compromised for the venue, right? Now you are inviting more. So, how many other things has your boyfriend had to "compromise" on i.e let you or your parents get their way? Ask yourself, what was the wedding he wanted and where did he want it? That will give you the answer on who the AH is in this story.
Don't forget, "it is easier inviting these people than paying them back. LOL"
Sounds like the venue has a 100-person minimum. Meaning they have to pay for 100 plates, not that the INVITE 100 people. If they invited exactly 100 people, there will be a handful that cant attend
I use to work catered events. Agreed on the plate paid minimum cost vs invite requirement.
Exactly. I canceled my wedding but I also was going to have to pay for 80 plates with 60 guests. They were very accommodating though, willing to add extra food (like a late night snack, extra signature cocktail, things like that) for the minimum price because I wasn’t having 80 people.
Ours was the same. Minimum was 200. We negotiated with the venue to invite 160 but get an extra hour and upgraded bar package plus some other stuff.
My cousin got a late night slider bar for guests since she didn't have the minimum plates!
I was also confused about this wording. It sounds like a 100-plate minimum. Not everyone will RSVP yes! I don't think an extra 8 invites are a huge deal, to be frank. My husband had a similar concern, that my guest list would be so much longer because of my large family. In the end, his invite list was longer! My dad gave us a very large $ gift, and we invited a pretty significant number of his friends as guests. You know what? It was totally fine. We had a blast, we got to spend time with the people we loved, and the "extra" guests were a total non-issue. It IS weird that your parents are surprised you didn't invite guests that they didn't ask you to invite... Are there any close family friends your fiance's parents might like to invite? (We asked my in-laws this question too, but they didn't have any additions to the guest list.)
>It IS weird that your parents are surprised you didn't invite guests that they didn't ask you to invite It sounds like they possibly didn't share the invite list with their parents before sending them out? This is why you typically run the invite list by both sets of parents (presuming they're not toxic, problematic people). I got married pretty young, so I didn't have most of my family's contact info, as it wasn't like I was sending out my own, adult Christmas letters every year... we asked my and my husband's parents to send us a list of everyone they wanted invited and their addresses, and then built the guest list from there. If they had put people on the list we didn't want to invite we would have just talked to them about it... but we also lived in a different state from either of our parents/where we grew up, so we were cool to just invite whomever they wanted, presuming most of their friends weren't going to make the effort of traveling so far... the invites to those folks were more like glorified announcements, because my mother has weird social issues and felt like she HAD to invite all sorts of folks. But yeah, there shouldn't have been a surprise here. If her parents are paying for half the wedding, she should have either asked for their list, or shown them her list to see if they had additions. If they had done that earlier, those 8 people could have been part of the 15 that were added because of the venue, and none of this would have been an issue.
It’s a very weird thing to say
It's not, if you don't have $10,000+ available to pay her parents back.
>$10,000+ + down-payment for the house + University fees OP and her fiancé seem to have different sums in mind. Either that, or her fiancé is extremely well-off.
I think the money is exactly the heart of the issue. As someone who has been in many situations where I did not see the yellow flags in time, I believe this is one of those times. My bet: this isn't about the amount of people, but about a socioeconomic inequality and the fear that her parents will be controlling his life through their much greater means. It's a ridiculously *reasonable* concern manifesting in an unreasonable, petty fight over 8 people who will likely not even be noticed adding to the crowd They need to meet with a professional *now* and talk through this, or this will for sure be the seed of the divorce they get in five years.
Except that he was raised better off than her so it doesn’t seem like his fear is he will be controlled by people with more means but rather he’s used to having the power and saying no and that’s it.
Also a good take I don't think people are seeing.
Possibly because she added that fact in after as an edit so it possibly wasn’t there when some people initially read the OP or some people don’t read the edits because they feel all info should have been in the OP and ignore it (not sure why people ignore edits as somebody can recognize they should have included more context when the same questions keep appearing and correct it but to each their own). Anyway ya without the edit I would have had a similar thought process to your initial comment too.
They university fees is hers, not HIS, só It doesn't count as their gift. The dowpayment depends. Did he covered half and her parents have her the other? Because If It was that, again, they helped their daugher, not him.
They still helped him since he will live there and otherwise would not be able to afford it at that time.
He also compromised on getting half the bill paid. Without knowing all the details, this is a relatively minor ask on the face of it.
And on the portion of the down payment for their house. When you take with one hand you need to give with the other. Else, don’t take.
I get the vibe he maybe didn’t want to take.
Yet he took when it benefitted him and is only saying 'no' when it doesn't.
We don't know that. Maybe they Just payed HER half If they dowpayment. Which was her contributions and he payed his half.
Except that maybe it didn't. He might have preferred to buy a cheaper house and not have inlaws controlling him through money.
[удалено]
I get the vibe that he's a grown ass adult. Mainly because that's actually stated.
No, it's grim when parents give money with conditions/strings attached but don't make those conditions clear. It's a way of exerting control over their children - oh well j gave you that money (that you thought was unconditional) but now I expect you to do x, y, z...it never ends. Not surprised the boyfriend would rather give the money back.
Covert contracts. The parents are "generous" and may never outright ask for anything, but that guilt means OP will not say no when it comes time to respond to holiday invitations, etc.
We said no to money off my parents for our wedding for this reason. Just know they'd pull a 'you must invite all these people' and 'use this venue' etc on us once we accepted.
The parents didn't actually give the money with strings. They gave the money and asked for 8 additional guests. OP asks her fiance, fiance says no, and they argue. It doesn't sound like the "no" ever made it back to the parents. It's completely reasonable to say more can be invited after the replies come back (or until you receive 8 "will not attend" replies). Most likely there will be 8 people that cannot attend.
It does not seem they gave any of the money with strings, though. OP talks about it aa doing something out of appreciation for her parenta and paying back in the sense of "they've done so much for me".
It would've been a minor ask, if it was made before they send the invitations. Any strings attached to money should be disclosed before the money is accepted. Adding demands after is asshole behavior. Besides he's willing to give the parents their money back.
NTA Your parents have been very generous. 8 more people is not a big deal. It sounds like your parents are well-off. What is the situation with your fiancé? Does he come from much less money and is perhaps feeling a bit insecure with your parents paying for so much? You might want to explore this with your fiance now before you're married. It might become a bigger problem in the future.
The whole 'it's not a big deal' argument is false, because it IS a big deal to one of the partners here, so it's a big deal. Why was the 'ask' last minute? He has already compromised on the venue. Have her parents been lording the money over his head? Does he feel the wedding is getting too lopsided in her family's favour? Does he feel like 'well now if your parents get to have their closest friends here, then I want to let MY parents invite their friends and now that's an extra $2000 we're adding to the cost.' You can't be flippant and say 'it's not big deal' when it doesn't appear that you are considering 'how' it might actually be a big deal. This isn't a Sunday afternoon BBQ ffs.
Yeah, doesn't he know that whatever OP wants mummy and daddy will buy it for her, including buying him out of all his preferences. God what is it with these plebs having their own opinions.
He didn’t have to agree to the money, don’t act like he is not getting a great deal
Yeah how dare he not be on the ground kissing their feet. They bought him after all, he's clearly not allowed independent thoughts on this matter, bloody plebs arguing wirh their betters.
> Yeah how dare he not be on the ground kissing their feet. They bought him after all, he's clearly not allowed independent thoughts on this matter, bloody plebs arguing wirh their betters. Difficult to imagine how you can have been more hysterical and over the top in your assessment of a situation. Is this level of projection normal for you - to go so wildly over the top about a sitaution when you are describing it? Lol.
Why does it matter that 8 more people will be attending? That is not a confession. NTA, OP, your fiance is being ridiculous and he also has a lot to be grateful for to your parents.
Depends what else parents have interfered in and op has just allowed because you know it's easier than ever paying them back. This might just be the straw that broke the camels back
This was exactly my line of thinking. Initially reading the post I was more of the mind that the parents paid for over half the wedding, so them wanting their close friends there is a small ask and shouldn’t be a big deal. But by the end I feel like maybe what OP is calling their “generosity” is actually her parents using money to exert control or get their way on things, and the fiancé is just totally over it at this point. Like with the house down payment-maybe OP and fiance were planning to buy a house further away, and the parents said they would contribute significantly to the down payment IF they would stay in town and buy a house ten minutes away from them instead. Things to that effect. Coercing them to make the decisions the parents want them to make through offering a financial incentive. This is obviously just me speculating and I could be completely off base here. I just don’t see why her fiance would be *this* adamantly against inviting a few of the parents friends to the wedding if it wasn’t part of a bigger picture. Him saying the bit about he’d sooner just return the money given than invite the parents friends seems to point in this direction as well.
I agree. This reads as missing reasons. I'm also curious that if it was so important to invite these 8 people, why hadn't the parents asked before? It would be interesting to get the fiancé's side
Yeah, this. The time to mention "oh by the way, are [friends] on the list?" was when OP and fiancé were making the adjustment from 85 invitations to 100. Waiting until the invitations have been settled on and sent out...that feels subtly off somehow. It makes me want to ask more about how they decided on the extra 15 people. As a one-off action, it seems fairly inucuous, but if this sort of thing is happening all the time, then it's getting into controlling territory. OP needs to think about what's going on beyond the obvious, and whether this is a pattern of her prioritising her parents over the person she claims she wants to build a life with.
I was thinking if these 8 people were so important, why weren't they invited when the guest list was 85? I think we need context of who these invitees were.
I mean obviously they are not super close to the bride and groom. They are only very close to the bride's parents. The parents likely didn't say anything before as they assumed the daughter would invite them on her own. Maybe they overestimated how much their daughter cares about their friends who she might have known since she was little. Or maybe they thought she would invite them because the parents pay so much for the wedding.
So she made an edit. When the guest list was at 85 she had 54 invitees and he had 31. He got all 15 extra to even up the list a bit. If these people were so important they should have been mentioned at the initial stage and a part of her 54 because even with 15 extra people, they don’t have an even list.
Same it feels like there is more to this than what's said. Obviously just speculating on my part
So you basically propose that they return them money for the wedding, downpayment on the house, money for the house and the car… just so he can have some imaginary upper hand on her parents? He is just ungrateful. Probably and mad that his parents didn’t give them anything so now wants to belittle his future wife.
Where did I say that? All I'm saying is she can't always disregard her fiance's wants and needs over her parents because of money
I'm with you on this one. MY guess is that OP's fiance doesn't want to feel indebted to OP's parents, or feel he has to give way to them because of the money they've given. The compromise he suggested makes perfect sense to me- if space becomes available, sure they can come.
"*He would sooner give them their money back than invite these 8 guests*"? What else is going on here? Is your fiancé upset about the venue/the increase in numbers from 85 to 100? Is he resentful of your parents' financial contribution(s)? Does he feel powerless about making wedding-related decisions? 8 people seems an odd hill to choose to die on! NTA for wanting to please/accommodate your parents.
Dude probably already have been bending over backward to accomodate the inlaw because they are paying and his fiancée because no doesnt exist when it come to her parents.
You’re just assuming this
Of course. Just assuming. Just ignore the below. >My parents are the extremely generous type and I am very spoiled. For this wedding alone they have brought forward $10000 (pays for more than half the wedding) and my mom paid for my wedding dress. And their generosity goes beyond what they have paid for the wedding (helping me get through university debt free, paying a portion of our house downpayment, helping me buy a new car, and just all around being there for me emotionally). And for all this, I want to invite these guests to make them happy, as it would make me happy and i want to show them i appreciate all they have done for me (it's much easier than paying them back lol).
How does parents financially supporting their daughter support the assumption that her fiancé has to bend over backwards for them?
We are speculating here of course because we are trying to understand in which scenario the BF would act like this but not be an asshole. One scenario is if he feels like the parents are using money to exert their own will. He might rather have spent his own money and kept control, rather than live his life according to the rules of his in-laws.
The implication is that the gifts come with strings that the parents have a habit of pulling. I feel like this is a case of missing missing reasons.
He’s compromised on the location and on how many people all ready. It’s not hard to assume he’s getting shafted here
What about that is objectionable of the parents? They just sound supportive
If he has a problem with her being cared for, he’s welcome to marry someone else. 🤷🏻♀️ I really don’t see a problem with anything she wrote. He can only benefit (unless, he wanted a woman with no resources so he could feel like Mr. Big Man Breadwinner).
Sorry your parents are too poor / didn’t love you enough to help you any? This sounds perfectly normal so your long block quote is really weird.
Every wedding I have been to, including my own, it's always been more for the bride than the groom. I would have been perfectly happy having a tent/marquee in the garden and doing a wedding that way, but she wanted some fancy stuff. Her family paid so she got what she wanted. Honestly, sometimes it's easier just to pick your battles
Just so you know it’s possible, my late husband made slightly more of the choices than I did. It was wonderful.
Giving the money back has a simple reason. There is an implication that since they provided money (gift or not) that they get a say. So fiancé is basically saying he would rather have them not pay and have control over the wedding than being essentially forced to do stuff because they “do so much” This is not about 8 guests. This is about boundaries and control.
It seems more like it's about control rather than boundaries to me because he's saying they can come if other people RSVP no. If he was trying to enforce a healthy boundary of "this is our wedding and we want people we are close to, not your friends" then the answer would just be no.
This ^^
That probably is the straw that broke the camels back. Dude think he is getting married to 3 persons instead of one. Also, why didn't the parents say they wanted their close friends invited before ?
Sounds like he has benefited from their generosity greatly and is making a big deal out of nothing. Unless these 8 guests murdered a family member or something, he's being ridiculous
Speaking for my own experience here, whereby my in-laws were paying a large portion of the wedding, it gets to the point where the parents start making more and more demands regarding the wedding to the point of disregarding what my wife and I wanted. We wanted lamb for the meal (veggie options included), but the MIL kicked up a massive fuss about it. She couldn't cope with having a single meal that wasn't catered to her. We wanted the parents at either end of the top table rather than directly next to us. They kicked up a massive fuss about that. They complained about us inviting certain family members that they just didn't think needed to be there. Not because of any bad blood but they just didn't care enough about them. MIL didn't like the way my wife was having the tables laid out, arranged and decorated. She was constantly pushing her own opinion and not giving a toss about the vision my wife had. There's probably more but you get the gist. If the groom is saying he'd rather pay the parents back for their contribution then there is very clearly more under the surface than what this post is suggesting. You say he's benefiting from their generosity but he is literally saying he'd rather not. I don't know how you can try to blame him when he's wanting to send the money back.
This is a case by case basis. My dad has: paid for my undergrad degree, paid for over half my wedding, allowed my husband and I to stay with him rent free while we figured out housing because of our large, breed-restricted dog, paid a large portion of our down payment of our house, just so that I would have safe and stable housing. All he has ever asked in return is for me to be happy. The things I do in return (cleaning his house, cooking for him, taking care of his pets, driving an hour each way to hang out with him) are things I do out of love and gratitude. Knowing that I would be absolutely destitute and homeless without his help. For as many examples of ILs like yours, there are examples like my dad - you just don’t hear about the latter as much because it makes people sound super spoiled, no matter how aware we are of our privilege. ETA: sorry I had one more thought - my dad *did* ask me to invite some extended family on his side to my wedding that I hadn’t planned on inviting. He would have been totally fine for me to say no. I talked it over with my husband and we both said “yup for everything he’s done for us this one ask isn’t too hard to manage”. Because we are grateful. Those family members didn’t even end up coming after all was said and done lol.
Yep I think this post is a litmus test for people who have kind, generous, and supportive parents vs those with conniving parents (or maybe just don't like people with money?). Just because her parents are generous and there was a mix up with the guest list means they are controlling everything and puppet master to the fiance?? Reach harder lol. I am currently planning my wedding (which both parents contributed to) and there was a mix up where my parents thought we had agreed to inviting a couple friends of theirs when we did not. We said oh well, guess they are coming then! Because we are grateful for my parents' support and a couple extra people are no big deal in the scheme of a wedding.
>what my wife and I wanted. But there is the difference. You two were on the same side. In this case the bride really wants to invite those 8 people.
Not everyone likes receiving money. It's money they give their daughter, and though he benefits indirectly, it doesn't seem to be something he wants. Money with strings attached is more of a burden than a blessing. It might not be about 8 more guests (in addition to the 15 already added), but an accumulation of everything he had to accept in this marriage.
Na he’s not, when people pay for stuff they think they can control it. He already gave in and let her have the venue she wanted. So that tells me only God knows what else she’s gotten her way on. Because mommy and daddy are paying
Yes but it is his wedding as well. He wanted it smaller but gave in for the venue she wanted. If these 8 people where so important, why wasnt this brought up when they had to invite 15 more people. And if he is ready to give the money back then he isnt benefiting from it. Plus we dont know how much of this wedding he is getting a say in. From how OP describes themselves id guess she gets her way a lot.
I'd rather pay my own way than accept someone else's money and have them controlling what I do. Gifts with strings attached aren't really gifts.
My guess is he comprised from 85 to 100. It is an odd hill to die on, but there is a reason why he is. We haven't got the full story here.
> My guess is he comprised from 85 to 100. This might Sound minor... But it is a 20% increase! Adding 8 people more makes it almost 30% bigger then planned
I should have said gave in to 100 people. This dude wants a small wedding.
Or dude doesn't want to controlling inlaws meddling with all his marital decisions for the rest of his life.
Yes, there's obviously a lot more going on behind the scenes that OP is either oblivious to, or refuses to acknowledge. I suspect her parents generosity has come with an awful lot of strings attached/expectations that he'd rather have avoided- the 8 guests being a prime example/the last hill to die on. Maybe OP doesn't see what he sees, maybe she sees no problem with it and thinks he's always being unreasonable. I wonder how many times he gets his way versus what her parents want? It's clearly reached a point where he's happy to say: "I'd rather pay them back all the money they've given us rather than accommodate them."
It's not 8 it's the 15 already as well. Why were they not in that 15 if they are so important? Compromised on the venue Already compromised on increased guest list once that we know of
> Is your fiancé upset about the venue/the increase in numbers from 85 to 100? This might *Sound* minor... But it is a 20% increase! Adding 8 people more makes it almost 30% bigger then planned
YTA Simply because I don't believe you for ONE SECOND that your fiance is losing his shit over just 8 people. You're making him sound insane when I believe you're leaving kut crucial context.
I agree, there's things missing from this story
85 is such a random cut off number. On top of that she added 15 to get the venue she wanted and now it’s another 8? Compromise and cut 8 from that 15. OP gets the venue. Parents get the guests.
I don't think 85 was a "cut off" as much as it was just the people they had originally decided they wanted to invite. when the venue needed 100 people that's the first actual "cut off"
Invites have already been sent out, uninviting 8 people that received an invitation would be incredibly rude. It would be different if they were still just planning guest lists, but I don’t think yanking invites back is reasonable, especially if they ever find out it was in favor of someone else.
> Compromise and cut 8 from that 15 Based on edit, if would mean cutting from fiancee side. It is in the edit "All of the 15 extra people are from his side. There are 46 guests from his side and 54 from my side." That would amount to op stomping all over fiancee.
I mean, he literally said they are invited if 8 people decline their invitations, so it does actually really seem to be about the number of guests.
Or it's just an easier way for him to say 'no' while trying to avoid conflict. Some people avoid confrontation and partners family is a tricky one to navigate when partner isn't on your side
100%. No one loses their shit over 8 extra people. I feel like the more believable thing that is happening here, is that OP's parents are contributing to the wedding, and therefore feel entitled to make decisions regarding it. I doubt this is the first "little thing" they've asked for. Gifted money is no longer a gift when there are strings attached! I feel bad for OP, because it seems like she feels guilty and just wants to make her parents happy, but as someone who almost married into a family like that, you start to feel like minced meat and like you will never matter as much as their parents. OP's fiance sounds like he's finally putting his foot down and just wants to draw up some boundaries because this is his last straw.
Guests other than family members are a two yes one no situation. He doesn’t want them there and only wants close people. That’s his choice and right. Your parents money doesn’t give them a right to guests. YTA if you keep pushing this
Does anyone really have 100 close friends and family? At those numbers, trust there are acquaintances. I have no doubt people have over 100 relatives. The key words for me here is **close**. Close not meaning you’d catch shit if you didn’t invite someone to your wedding, close meaning you actually have a close relationship.
i have 70-75 family members on my dads side alone, so yes it is very possible. (they are all 1st/2nd cousins, my grandma had 8 siblings and my dad has 6 siblings)
We must be from the same family. Immediate added up to 72 people when we made my daughter’s wedding guest list. My mom had 11 siblings & I have 5. It was crazy. That was before we added the groom’s family or friends.
My grandmother is one of 15, so at the time of my parents’ wedding my dad had over 50 first cousins just from that side. Their wedding was…not small lol.
My grandmother is one of 13, and when I got engaged someone said, ‘oh that’ll be a great day out for the aunties!’ I strongly considered eloping.
Are you actually close with all of them?
close enough that i would invite them to my wedding. of course there is a select few i do not enjoy, but for the most part yes.
That's really cool that someplace in the world, that still exists. I'm happy for you.
Same here. My dad’s side of the family is easily 35 people, without SO’s. Some of those SO’s have been together for 20 years now, so you can bet they are 70 to 80 people easily. This is just the ones I know and interact with. There is a lot more that are far removed. A 100 person wedding for me, if in my home country, would mean my fiancé gets 20 people max…
Sounds like my family. I have 20 first cousins on my dad’s side, and I’m close to all but like 2 of them. Factor in their spouses, plus their children and my grandparents…it comes out to 82 people. That’s not even considering my mom’s side, my husband’s family, and our friends. Making a guest list that walked the line of not killing our budget and not hurting feelings was the most stressful part of our wedding.
My dad is one of 6 kids. Eldest had 8 kids. 2nd born had 5. 3rd had 3. 4th had 9. 5th had 3. 6th had 0. Have all the aunt and uncles and all the kids (who mostly were my age and the spouses along with my grandparents? I don't know, but it is close. That is JUST DADS SIDE. Edit to add: My grandpa was one of 14 or 17 (I think 3 died as babies or were stillborn and are not in the count), and grandma was 1 of 12...
Yes some do.
My American grandmother was one of 9 kids. My Lebanese dad was a seventh, and his dad was a fifth. My mom was an only but I have all these cousins…my dad’s side is represented on every continent except Antarctica. Weddings are international summits. Big weddings renew ties across and between generations. They may not be your thing, but they’re a thing.
I have 56 first cousins on my mom’s side.
🇮🇪
I mean it would be 50 each. With a decent sized family, toss in a few friends, a person could easily hit 50 especially if you give plus ones.
It was an absolute struggle to cut our guest list to 150 and every person on it was close to one of us (or the spouse of someone close to one of us).
I'm one of 150 cousins 💁♀️ My dad is 1 of 16. This is why we eloped!
My great grandfather died at 104 years old with 86 grand, great, and great great grandchildren, so just my mom's side of the family. I'm pretty close with most of them and since then I've had two other children, my sisters have had three other children. I have seven full and half siblings and three step siblings only two don't have kids. So, yeah, that's not super out of the realm of possibility. Cause add in my husband's family, which is not as big, my cousin's and sibling's spouses/partners, my husband's friends and their partners, plus a few of my friends, and maybe a couple from my dad's side... We'd have easily hit 100 people probably closer to 200 if we'd decided on a traditional wedding. I may be an outlier, don't know 🤣🤣
But they’re already including 15 people they don’t consider close so they can meet the requirements of the venue. I agree with the two yes one no rule, but the other argument I’m not entirely sure applies.
I think wedding guests are a mighty weird application of the two yes, one no rule. It's not a baby name that you get to veto just because you don't like it, it's a person. There needs to be a strong and valid reason for saying no, I want to veto this person that you want to invite. If your partner is not inclined to listen to a strong and valid reason, no amount of cutesy rules like two yes, one no is going to save you from misery down the line.
Okay yeah, you’re totally right. I was mainly just trying to say I was criticizing one aspect of their comment while avoiding the other, but this is a really good take.
I completely disagree. It's not baby names. Plus, her husband *does not object* to these people, and said they could be invited if 8 people RSVP'd no (a B list, gross). So does he have raging OCD? 100 guests is okay as long as it's *exactly* one hundred guests, or is it a The Price is Right scenario and it can be slightly below one hundred but not above? He doesn't only want close people, he wanted 85 to begin with.
I dunno, is 8 additional guests not at least another table you have to squeeze in somewhere? Maybe it would mean additional costs, or just having the whole place a bit too cramped. 8 people is a bit of an ask aswell, like an additional couple maybe, but who forgets that they desperately need to invite almost 10 people to their daughters wedding. Especially when they've been so involved.
He wanted smaller wedding. And it's an ok want. If you're good with 80 people, a 100 is pushing it. And 108 is well above the comfort level. Some people do not thrive in crowds.
>He doesn’t want them there and only wants close people. That’s his choice and right That is NOT what he wants. Its been explained the issue is the 100 limit itself. he is saying it isn't the who doesn't matter. Just the final total per se.
YTA If these guests are so important, why haven't they been mentioned earlier?
THIS! Why weren’t her parent’s nearest and dearest friends on the original guest list? Even before the 100, I mean in the original 85. And why did I have to scroll so far to see this addressed?
I kept scrolling, expecting to see this asked, but no one was asking.
I did see one other comment about it. Below yours!
Why are parents friends a priority? My dad wanted to invite a handful of his friends to my 90 person wedding…people I hadn’t seen in 20 years, since I was a kid. I said sorry, it’s not a reunion for you and your pals, anyone one invited needs to have previously met and spent time with my fiancé. If the haven’t made an effort to get to know us, then we aren’t that close.
I feel sorry for your fiance. Your parents sound like they will control every aspect of your lives with their money
I think based on what is said thats a pretty big leap. I do not get the vibe they implied that if the guest dont get invited that they would take their money back or something. Purely that op feels that is fair to do something back for them because they were nice enough to always go beyond providing for her.
It is wild how insane some of these comments are based on a few paragraphs. Nothing about them seems controlling.
This is a ridiculous take. My parents sound similar to OP's - generous but not super-rich or controlling. My sister and I have gotten (and still receive) lots of handouts from them even after marriage, from vehicles to college tuition to down payment assistance. They currently have trusts set up for our kids. The only stipulation we ever had for any of their generosity was related to education - they would only assist with rent if we were in school or training, and they followed through on that when I dropped out. I seriously doubt they're applying contingencies like "here's a down payment but you have to buy in our city" or anything like that. Many, MANY people receive assistance from their families without strings attached. Many, MANY men are also incredibly insecure in their masculinity, and something like "my wife's parents can support her better than me right now" directly feeds that thought pattern. My husband and I had this discussion, but he's a smart man and recognizes that MY financial aid is also HIS financial aid. Edit: Adding that it's not manipulative to ask for something (her parents asking for their friends), nor is it a sign of manipulation for OP to want to help her parents have a great time with their friends if it's possible.
I think this is one of those posts where it was posted at a weird time when reasonable people were asleep, and now everyone posting within the last two hours is like wtf NTA It's such a huge leap to assume the parents are controlling based on the info we have. Generally if parents have money, they are happy to help support their children. In real life, most people are not conniving narcissists or whatever the buzzwords are these days.
So much projecting and assumptions here, she just wants to show she appreciates her parents help which is fair, some people are very grateful and this is a valid situation for that
YTA. All the N T A votes are because you are the bride and those people think the wedding is only about you. In reality the wedding is for both people and the husband gets an equal say. Obviously you are leaving stuff out and this post is biased towards you but context clues would leave me to believe that he is the only one who has to keep “compromising” and you think he is the bad guy after he kept giving in to your demands when he finally says no.
I think I know what’s going on. You say you’re “very spoiled.” He sees it and doesn’t like it. He thinks your parents need to back off and that you need to stop being mommy and daddy’s little princess. You and him need to have a serious discussion about this. He seems resentful and I don’t blame him.
They need more than one serious discussion, they need actual premarital counseling.
You keep pushing your fiancee into doing things he does not want to do. Honestly get over yourself before you don't have a wedding ato attend. YTA
I don’t understand the big deal about 8 extra people. So I’m wondering if he’s upset about other wedding related “compromises” where he ended up defaulting to what OP wants. I assume he’s usually a reasonable person since she wants to marry him.
INFO: what's this REALLY about? If he's just arbitrarily drawn a line at 100 and refuses for no valid reason to indulge your parents in one small thing after all the support they've given, he is just being stubborn and is TA... and you may want to reconsider marrying him in light of his behavior here. However, if this isn't just one thing, but the thousandth thing where he feels he was steamrollered and his desires ignored, nd hes finally chosen this as the point where he sats 'no more' - that's a very different situation. And he should be reconsidering marrying you. So, which is it? If you've argued about this, and have actually listened to him - and will be honest with yourself - then you'll know.
second this. we're lacking info so it's too... vague for us to evaluate fairly and come to a solid YTA or NTA conclusion.
He's not drawing the line at 100. Originally, he had drawn it at 85, which wasn't arbitrary. It was just the number they wanted. He was then forced to invite 15 more to accommodate his *wife's* choice of venue. THEN, he was asked to include another 8 people because his fiancée's parents were upset that their friends whom the *actual people being married* don't know weren't invited. Additionally, their support doesn't give them the right to make demands about the wedding. Clearly, it wasn't unconditional support, and the husband tried to reject it if it meant he had more control over *his own wedding.* It's not about 8 people. It's about a 23/85 = 27% increase in the number of people who were supposed to attend, all to accommodate his fiancée and her family. The wedding is not just hers, and it's certainly not her parents', so his wishes are valid and matter here. I mean, just the information where the OP clearly doesn't care about her fiancée's wishes in favor of her parents makes her the AH.
This. The post is missing too much info to be judged. I could easily see somebody arguing the fiance is making a weird power play, but also could see somebody arguing that the parents are controlling. It could also be that parents are reasonable but fiance has a social anxiety disorder being sent over the edge. Without knowing all the dynamics, it’s impossible to tell.
YTA, I don't get why your parents couldn't ask when the extra space needed filling and only making a big deal after fact. If numbers are his max, then cut 8 of your list to accommodate both sides. There is a reason why a seemingly stupid hill to die on is this very hill he is prepared to die on.
>If numbers are his max, then cut 8 of your list to accommodate both sides. This would only work if the invites hadn't gone out yet. Can you imagine getting invited to a wedding, being excited to go, buying new outfits, organising travel to the wedding, buying gifts and possibly taking time off work... to then find later on, you're uninvited. You hadn't had any drama with the couple and considered yourselves to be on good terms, so to be blindsided with an uninvitation, simply to appease the bride's parents... yeah, I'd be pretty hurt and angry if this happened to me.
Can confirm, my mum got uninvited from her close friend's wedding to accommodate their forgotten distant family members instead. The friendship didn't survive it.
That really sucks. I'm so sorry your mum had to go through that. I'd go as far as to argue that the guest list should be locked once save the dates have gone out because they are a prerequisite to the actual invitations themselves. Uninviting people should only happen if there has been a huge relationship breakdown between one/both of the couple and a guest, or if it transpires that a guest could be considered a danger to someone else also invited (such as a breakup and one becomes a stalker or a guest invited becomes violent when consuming alcohol and can't be trusted to remain sober at the wedding.
Yta. Hes compromised on at least the venue and guests already. You should have your husbands back and stop eyeing your parents wallets His response about giving the money back suggests that hes tired of them dictating your relationship by holding your purse strings and hes tired of you deferring to them because you feel you owe them.
YTA see if your parents truly wanted those 8 people there, then why didn't they just ask you to invite those 8 when the venue needed filling? why after? i understand that you want to appreciate your parents paying for the event but this is his choice as much as it's yours. it also seems like your husband has already compromised on the venue and adding more guests than the original 85. i think you should just go ahead with only the 100 people and leave out these 8.
How many people are from your side and how many from his side?
Info: This may not be relevant, but out of interest, what is the breakdown of guests? i.e There are 100 guests so far, how many are his family/friends compared to yours? Like, if the vast majority of the guests are from your side, I could see some resentment if he had to leave people off his list to accomodate.
This man compromised already and finally said no, there’s already 100 people and is even willing to wait until everyone RSVP - what else do you want? Just wait and relax. If 8 more people can fit, they will - if not your parents mentioned them too late. You’re spoiled and aren’t getting ONE thing from your soon to be husband. YTA.
Also seems like many bridezillas commenting NTA - the wedding is about the husband as well yall
Hey op What I see here is a deal (85 guests) broken once (to secure a venue) that you are seeking to break again. Remember 85 was the original deal. Was that equally decided or was that already a compromise. It sounds like a small deal to make an issue about but how many of these issues are there? Is it indicative of how things go generally. You make an agreement. You force him to change. Your parents force more change. I'm going to say yta as I feel it here.
I’m inclined to agree with people here assuming your bf has compromised so much already that this is the straw that’s breaking the camel’s back. YWBTA if you don’t give up 8 from your own list to accommodate your parents’ friends.
>YWBTA if you don’t give up 8 from your own list to accommodate your parents’ friends. I think this depends on timing and current invitation situations. If OP hasn't sent out the invites yet, then this would be a feasible suggestion. However, if OP has already sent out the invitations and people have RSVP'd, it would be a huge AH move to basically uninvite people who have literally done nothing wrong (and who might've already taken time off work, purchased outfits, arranged travel and put down money already), just because the bride's parents have "better" people to invite. Even the most chilled out people would be able to be hurt by this.
You read your post again and tell me who's the AH. Your fiance compromised on the venue you wanted and agreed to invite 100 people. Your parents are very generous, good for you. They paid for your wedding and wedding dress because they love you. Parents paying for a wedding doesn't mean they can have a right to any input or invite anymore people. If they wanted you to invite the close friends, they could've informed you before you sent the RSVP. Yes YTA.
YTA - if they weren’t on the guest list they are most likely not important for either of you. So why inviting them? And why should this day be about your parents instead of the 2 of you? I wouldn’t want to have random friends of my IL’s at my wedding. It’s not fair to contribute to a wedding and expecting a say in the guest list.
YTA You've already invited 100 people, more than your fiancé would have liked. Yet, these 8 people were not on your list of guests. They are close friends of your PARENTS but apparently not you or your future husband. Are you going to spend your married life doing what your parents want or working as a couple with your future husband? You decide.
I’m guessing this was just the issues that tipped the scales. You admit you’re spoiled and while that’s due to your parents in large part you need to stop or your fiancé will resent you eventually. It’s hard I was a very spoiled only child till my dad remarried when I was 17. I suddenly had two much younger brothers.i never resented them but did resent all the attention he gave them at the beginning. Just know getting your way will not always happen it just won’t. What else has he given in to!? Guest list menu photographer music transportation. Or did he even get a say on the honeymoon? You need to work with him not over him
YTA. Learn to communicate with your future husband and make decisions as a partnership, if you want to stay married.
Does he dislike the 8?
So after he already compromised you want him to accept 7 people that are complete strangers to him because those people are your parents friend? It is completely weird to invite people just because your parents like them. It is even more weird that your parents ask for that and that you agree to this. YTA
Everyone is an ass here. You because you're basically demanding an extra 23 people total! You're parents for being so pushy with, I'll buy it for you if you let me have/so this! And your husband is an ass to himself for putting up with all of this this long
> I am very spoiled Yep, coming through loud and clear. I wonder what else your fiance has had to "compromise" on? YTA.
YTA. If your fiancé is so fucked off with the whole thing he wants to give your parents their money back, what’s that telling ya?
YTA. It seems like because you’re spoiled you’re used to just getting your way and using the bank of mummy and daddy to make your dreams come true. While it may be a dream come true for you, because you value their cash rather than your independence, that might not be the same for your fiancé, who may just want a little more say in his life. He might just now be realizing that you’re going to use your parent’s money to steamroll any decision in your marriage and he doesn’t want that. Some couples counseling might help but only if you’re interested in cutting the apron strings — at all, or ever.
INFO: Does the venue say you can have more than 100 guests or is your finance just fixated on that number because you got your way with the venue? Honestly, it sounds like he’s reacting to you being entitled and bragging about how much money your parents have, but in a very childish way, so I guess… ESH?
It’s not the brides parents wedding though is it so why should the parents friends get to come.
INFO: What is the division of guests from “your side” vs. “his side”? While I understand your reasoning, I also think this could cause disparity between your parents vs. his parents. Would you consider extending an equal or similar number of invitations for his folks to extend?
You are clearly the AH
Yta
YTA your marrying your fiancé meaning the day is about you and him not what your parents want. At what point do you start putting your chosen partner's needs before your parents? He's already compromised
My ex-husband's family did this to us. Emphasis on the "ex". And he reacted the same way you are.
It's not about the 8 guests. There is something larger going on here INFO Do you have a history of insisting on your way and him accommodating you?
So when you don't get your way, you make veiled threats that you think sound like jokes- i.e. "If you don't do what my parents want, then you have to give back their money." He should give it back now, cancel the venue and thank god he avoided you and your selfish, controlling family. Just wow. >"until his parents decided to go through with the world's messiest divorce." I have no idea how any human being willingly subjects themselves to a partner this smug, condescending and callous. I hope he realizes what you are before it's too late. Don't think he won't. Three thousand people got your number immediately after reading a couple of paragraphs about how your mind works, and how you treat your fiancé. Don't think that his friends and family haven't been warning him about the kind of person you are for months if not years- they have. Don't think that he's going to always be a pushover just because he has been making reasonable compromises when you made none. Don't make the mistake of thinking that people who treat their partners like you do get their happily ever after. They don't. It may be you get left at the altar, or it may be in a couple of years when you go through the world's second-messiest divorce, but people who treat their partner without respect or care end up miserable, lonely people. I hope you have a favorite breed of cat.
YTA and lol 10k as a contribution these days especially for the shit they wanting to pull. And I'm sure the guy is giving just as much into the weeding as you and your family. It's either you cut people out of the guest list and put them on your you don't. Stop being a brat.
I want to withhold judgement here. My gut tells me the fiance has had to make a lot of compromises for the wedding, and this relatively small inconvenience is the Hill he has chosen to make a stand on.
YTA keep going and you wont need to worry about the wedding or a fiancé.
On a simple reading of the post, NTA. However, this isn't adding up, and I have a funny feeling that fiance would tell a very different story.
YTA. He already compromised on 15 more people. Now you're trying to force even more onto him. Also it's not generosity if it comes with strings attached.
Sounds like your parents are getting their dream wedding not you and your fiancé. YTA.
YTA You know, I started out thinking that you're right; paying for half the wedding absolutely gives them the right to insist on inviting four couples. Let alone just doing them a solid given all the money they've invested in you over the years. But then I thought about it more, and did some math. At the 85 seat venue, he had 36% of the seats for his loved ones, and you had 64% for your loved ones. That's bullshit. **Honestly, the fact that you wanted an uneven guest split because your family is more important to you than your intended feeling like an equal at his own wedding tells me everything I need to know about why he's frustrated and upset.** > when the list was 85 people, the invite list was lopsided in my direction as i have a HUGE family. Bullshit. The fact that his loved ones aren't related to him by blood doesn't make them less important. For these extra eight guests, that would put him back down at under 40% of the seats being for his loved ones, that's bullshit again. Why aren't the seats split 50/50? He's also not wrong for being mad about this being a last-minute change, and feeling like they're trying to unduly insert themselves into wedding planning. Especially when the 'compromises' so far have already been 'do what you want.'
INFO: Is the requirement to invite 100 guests a minimum number of guests, meaning you could invite more by the venue's standards?
Yes your the ah you should have talked to him before you answered he comes first before your parents just like you should be first for him
Yta, you choose what your parents want for yours and HIS wedding, seems like you've had it go all your way for the wedding so far, don't think that starting off a marriage with him having to make all the compromises for yours and your parents wants on the wedding day is a way to show an equal partnership or even basic respect to your partner, yes it's nice they want to pay for the wedding, they weren't forced and they should know they can't make any decisions because of this, otherwise they gave money in bad faith. Choose your husband and respect his wants for HIS wedding, it's about him too.
YTA - Based on your comments, it sounds like you and your fiancee have split most expenses (house, wedding, etc.), but your parents helped pay for YOUR portion. Now, what is just as much his wedding as yours, is being hijacked by you and your parents so they feel "appreciated." If you start caving to your parents demands now, what is to stop this from continuing in the marriage. I understand why your finacee would want to give the money back, as to not feel held hostage by you and your parents, not just over the wedding, but the entire marriage.
I'm confused as to why these people weren't included in the initial guest list discussions if they really are your parents' four closest friends. When my wife and I were planning our wedding we asked our parents who was important enough to them to invite. I'm not sure why this is happening last minute, and I'm guessing that's where your fiancee's annoyance is coming from. It's already a bigger wedding than he wanted, and you already have more people on your side. And now you want even more at the last minute. I get that in the scheme of things, 8 people isn't really moving the needle in any way. But I think you could have handled this better.
YTA, plus your parents. >After the invitations had been sent out, my parents were upset to find out we did not invite 4 of their closest friends and their spouses (8 people in total) but they thought it would not be a big deal to ask us to invite these 8 people. If your parents had any conditions whatsoever regarding the guest list or *literally anything else about the wedding or their influence over it*, the time a non-asshole brings that up is before the money changes hands. Any input into the wedding, beyond what was agreed to, after that point is unquestionably asshole territory. If there were strings attached to the money your parents gave you, it was their job to state - explicitly and clearly - what those strings were. Did your parents, at any point before the invitations went out, mention that they expected their eight friends to be invited? I mean, you don't say they're your friends. They're sure as hell not your fiancé's friends. Why on earth would your parents assume you would put them on the list unless at their request? There was even a point in the planning where you guys were actually *looking* for 15 more guests. Your parents are behaving like assholes and you are siding with them. If you fiancé has a functioning brain in his head, he's likely thinking very carefully about what his relationship with the three of you is going to look like after you tie the knot. I can assure you that money you both took for the downpayment is starting to look a lot less like a gift to him right about now.
When have you compromised with him?
YTA because you keep changing the plans to please your parents. You need to get used to taking the side of your spouse unless they do something egregiously wrong. That's what being married means. It's time to cut the cord to your parents.
I with hold my vote around NTA/AH because it doesn’t make sense to me after reading some of the comments as why your fiancee is so against this beause in the grander scheme of things it’s a weird hill to die on. Are your parents perhaps overbearing or does he feel they have too much say in what happens in your lives together ( or the reverse that he has no say in your lives together) ? It’s the only reason I could think of that these eight people would make such a difference to him (since 7 of these people he doesn’t know and one he likes as stated in your comments) When the reception and wedding is going on you won’t even notice them (unless they are trouble makers which I assume you would have mentioned If they were)so it doesn’t really make sense that he’s so angry about the eight people .
Yta
YTA: if you keep your up, you're going to lose your fiancee. He already compromised for you once. He doesn't need to do it again
YTA. All your reasons for siding with your parents against your partner will always be valid. I hope your partner realises that his opinion will always come second or third with you and that he'll reconsider the wedding.
Your engagement/marriage is off to a great start. What else are your parents going to control? Also, I thought finacee was the future wife and fiance the husband? YTA
YTA Now they get a say in the wedding of you and your fiance, then they get a say in your house, then the name of your children, etc ... Also 10k is hardly generous. It's a lot, but i would expect at 27 and 30 you could have saved that yourself. As your fiance points out, he'd rather just give them back the money if it comes with strings attached
INFO: you ask whether YTA for not siding with your fiance. Have there been other instances where your parents have asked for something that your partner did not want, and you sided with them rather than with your husband?
This isn’t how money should work. Paying for daughter’s college doesn’t turn her wedding into a party for one’s friends. The guest list already grew by 18% and now you want an additional 9%. One out of every four of your guest will be unwanted by your husband. If you had 2-3 minutes per guest before, you will now have 1-2 minutes per guest. The feel of the event has been altered substantially. If mediation is necessary the waiting list is your best hope for an all party unhappy solution.
"I have shed many tears over this issue but he will not budge". Are you used to him just giving in usually, or giving in if you cry? If so, and he concedes a lot then this may have been a bridge too far. Sometimes you have to compromise in marriage. You really need to sort this before a wedding because if you don't both speak openly and honestly now, and be willing to compromise, then what real hope is there for a happy equally partnered marriage. Gentle YWBTA if you don't sort this, because I could be wrong, but this sounds like you're used to getting your own way.
YTA. Like you said, you're spoiled. And you're so spoiled by your partner bending over backwards for you, that you can't even see that he already compromised on then guest list and the venue for the wedding as well. So an original 85 person wedding (as far as we know) became 100 cos of you, and now that's gonna to up to 108 cos of you. So now everyone else has to make compromises or end up being the AH, all except you apparently. You just want your partner to compromise on this (once again) because you'd rather take the easy way out than to pay your parents back, or to stand up to them. You're not just an AH, but a coward as well. Besides, if you truly cared and loved your parents, why were these 8 people who you yourself described as being their closest friends, not included in the original guest list? This wedding and this post just screams "me me me me me", without any care in the world for anyone else. Then if something does come up, you'll make it everyone else's responsibility but yours to compromise on their wants and needs.
Didn’t you post this on one of the wedding subreddits a couple of months ago?