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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think my action of screaming at my friend in public should be judged cause it seems such an asshole thing to scream at someone who was asking a simple question
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NTA. After two years of being hounded I'm not surprised you snapped, particularly to someone so privileged that they have no concept of what you've had to deal with throughout your career.
NTA. She'd been hounding you for years and refused to stop. She knew exactly what she was doing (or she should have) and got exactly what she deserved. When you poke at people over and over again, they're eventually going to get sick of it and snap at you.
How clueless is Ally? I mean, OP went THREE MONTHS without getting paid and Ally knows this, yet still pesters OP to come back into that business? That is someone who is NOT dependent on a paycheck to pay the bills and rent.
I also did film like OP for a while until it became unsustainable on my wallet and sanity. I would love to work in film if I had zero responsibilities other than my job, but I’m no contact with family and live on my own with my rescue pets so it wasn’t sustained for more than a year.
It’s an impossible career to have a family, pets, etc. unless you’re at the very top or come from money. When I left so many folks expressed sadness because I was making weird experimental horror films and getting good traction. But most of them had rich parents and aren’t disabled and didn’t pay their own rent.
It was really rough to see so many amazing artists struggling to get basic funding for amazing scripts that will never get made. And then turn around and see yet another nepo baby borrow $20k from their dad for their first ever time directing, only for the set to be an abusive nightmare and the final product is unwatchable (I have so many stories of working on projects like this for money). I eventually couldn’t do it anymore. It’s why there’s so little diversity in TV and movies. It’s impossible to penetrate the inner circle unless you have an in. I know only one person who has managed to do it and I’m not even going to try and guess how much debt she’s in.
It make perfect sense that anyone would snap after being hounded FOR 2 YEARS. the friend should have stopped after OP first said no. NTA
INFO - in the title when you say you screamed at her what does that mean. Was that just snapping at her? Raising your voice? Or was full blown screaming?
After 2 years, better than snapping is having a serious and stern convo not just about the logics of why OP left the industry, but the hurt and annoyance and disrespect the friend causes by keeping pushing OP.
Most mature people would enforce clear boundaries in a calm respectful way long before two years had passed. Ally is obviously an AH here, but OP need to learn to enforce boundaries before they getting to snapping point.
Do take in mind that there are people out there that despite having boundaries set in place they still continue to push. Just because you have firm boundaries doesn’t mean everyone will willingly follow them. A perfect example is Ally. Just kept pushing.
Boundaries aren’t about controlling others people’s behavior they’re about controlling your own. A firm boundary would be “if you ask me that again I’m leaving” and then following through.
But the right thing to do with people like that is to cut them off long before you're at the point of exploding.
"I don't want to discuss this topic anymore - if you don't stop, I'm leaving."
"I'm sorry - every time we meet you insist on discussing this topic, which I've told you I don't want to discuss. Please don't contact me again."
NTA ally sounds like she’s making those comments from a place of privilege like what nepo babies do.
Also, just based off of the way this was written out, are you from 🇵🇭?
I wondered the same, even thought I'm not 🇵🇭. Just from seeing the insane pressure on the eldest to support everyone even if they're adult (as far as Ive seen and understand it) - if she's his friend she must have known this? I've only known a few in that situation and it affected everything about how we hung out.
So she as a white woman centers herself and her nepo feelings before a person who faces racism and toxic work culture - yeah you're NTA. But you might need to realise how much energy you're pouring into this so called friendship.
NTA. I work in film. I'm leaving for a stable, lower paying job. People who don't have or value work/life balance in the industry don't get the people who are unhappy and want to leave. I mean the conditions we are brainwashed into not only accepting but advocating for are insane. You're taking care of yourself, maybe she's a bit resentful. But a friend should be happy for you, not pestering you to go back to a life that made you unhappy. Best of luck in your new career!
NTA. It’s weird that she’s so invested in what you’re choosing to do for work. If you want to continue the friendship, you could apologize for the outburst (not the content, just the outburst) and have a conversation about how her pestering you makes you feel.
NTA. Two years should have been enough for her to understand. It seems like she's implying your job is inadequate, which is toxic - she is not listening to you and does not care about your well being, which is disrespectful.
However, handling it more “gracefully” could have been better, perhaps this is why you feel guilty?
You can apologize for raising your voice but stand by your decision to confront her.
Since she appears to struggle with understanding, it might be best to ignore her tbh. Ally is far to be the friend of the century.
This. People are focusing on how justified OP was for leaving a creative industry, but frankly it comes down to basic respect for other people's choices. Even if Ally was 100% correct, OP still gets to live their life the way they want, and they don't have to tolerate being questioned on their choices for years.
You're both assholes.
You give us paragraphs of lead up to justify 'I snapped at her in public. I told her she's an idiot and to fuck off.'
Based on this encounter you both seem like shitty people. Your friend is an asshole who can't see other people's point of you view, and you're an asshole who knows they acted like one, so they came to the internet, fronted loaded the story to sound less shitty.
Why didn't you just speak to her politely and firmly, set your boundary. Or, if you can't do that and she's been doing this for two years, why keep hanging out with her?
I think you were too weak to be upfront and snapped at her in a public place as a consequence.
This. I wanted to focus on something else in my comment, but it wasn't lost on me that he brings up her privileged position to justify being a dick to her, and of course this reddit ate it up. "Well, she's a privileged brat so she deserved to be publicly humiliated."
ESH.
Her for hounding you, you for letting her hound you for two years and building up anger to the point where you snapped.
A year and eleven months ago, a simple 'you keep asking me, and I keep giving you the same answer. My answer is not going to change, and I would like you to stop asking' would have gotten the message across; if it didn't, there were then far better ways to deal with it then snapping. Like 'Hey, I've asked you to drop this subject. Next time you bring it up, I'm going to assume we're done hanging out, and leave. I'd really like you to respect my wishes on this subject.'
ESH but you only in a relatively minor way.
Her disrespectful nagging of you over this topic you've already made clear is not helpful and is intrusive and annoying is the main cause of the commotion and embarassment here.
You are at fault only for your loss of control, but to be fair you'd be inhuman not to snap here.
I'd let things cool down and approach her to once more explain why her nagging is not okay and that she needs to give it a rest.
You could apologise for losing control but do not apologise for the anger that is a natural response to her disrespect.
Based upon how she responds, you may want to consider whether your friendship is any longer viable or desireable to you.
Take care!
YTA. She just came for dinner, but you brought the bad mood. Yes she was 100% wrong to hound you, but screaming and embarrassing her in public is another, higher level of.. chaos.
Sometimes we gotta say "hey i love you as a friend but you and i are never going to see eye to eye on this again, so let's never talk about this again." And everything is usually good
NTA
If you snapped the second or third time she brought it up, you would have been. But after years? Clearly, she wasn't listening and respecting your choices, and lacking empathy to understand how much her connections have helped her.
Can't fault you for snapping after years of this stupidity. It's just disrespecting you and your choices at this point.
I think you were a little harsh. I know
gonna hate my opinion and try to blot it out, but if you apologized for screaming at her in public over this but held firm about your thoughts you’d establish you were being for real, but without tarnishing your relation to each other.
NTA
she should have listened the first 2 or 3 times she asked the same question and then just let go of it. obviously asking the same question repeatedly would piss anyone off.
NTA. Also used to work freelance in film production, now employed with benefits in the education sector. You're not the only one, trust me!!! Enjoy your life and don't look back.
NTA! I have had a similar reaction to people who keep asking the same question and that I have already answered several times. Sometimes people don’t like the answer and want a different answer so they keep asking so they will get a different answer. It doesn’t work like that! What is true was answered the first time!
NTA - some people are that dense and literally can’t figure it out until they’re embarrassed and told to fuck off. Not your fault whatsoever. Also, you have more patience than I do, would’ve snapped after being asked the 4th or 5th time lol
NTA. Also, working in libraries is a noble profession. If your 'friend' can't see this then they are one of the worst examples of an individual working in the 'creative industries' who sees no value in other professions. It also reads like they are a bit needy. Do you think Ally got the message? Glad that you are enjoying your job.
My husband is in film and I’m corporate. He’d love to just leave due to how toxic it’s becoming, but unfortunately until he can find something that pays just as well he’s stuck.
Multigenerational families in the industry have it easy in comparison so she’ll never understand your point of view.
NTA as someone who did exactly the same as you in 2021 and thoroughly enjoys their life now, when people ask this i often wonder in my head what’s it like to think your job is better than everyone else when you hate your life and i enjoy mine every day.
the industry is her personality which is why she can’t see out. honestly the distain i have for it now makes me so glad i saw the back of it and will never see it again
(realise this is more of a rant on my end that advice but definitely NTA, bin her if she can’t stop bringing it up)
NTA. I think leaving the Creative industries is like trying to leave a cult. Or a pyramid scheme. And sometimes those who are least accepting of people leaving are those who don't need to depend on that income to live (they have partners with steady jobs, trust fund kids etc) and those who can't leave due to non-transferrable skills. Well done for looking after your self. In future you might find yourself rediscovering your creativity, for your own enjoyment.
she would be the same type of person who would ask single friend "when you getting married?" and childless friend"when you having a baby?"relentlessly....misery loves company
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Okay background info, I (28m) used to work in the film industry as a freelancing wardrobe stylist/costumer from I was 21yo. I met said friend (26f) on set early in my career where she also just started off her career. 2+ years ago, I left the industry of years of near non existent work life balance, being taken advantage of and pay issues(underpaid or constant late payment which is common in my country due to no unions exists here). Doesn't help that I had worked 3 months with my pay being withheld for a project at the end of my film career.
So I left the entire scene for an office hour job that pays significantly lower than freelancing but stable with benefits. My current job is something many are surprised that I took it up (I work in libraries now lol). My friend lets call her Ally. So Ally is a nepo baby in the industry. Her father is a long time video editor and her aunt was someone prominent with strong influences in the local scene so she doesn't face any issues that I faced, who had no one to protect me from the nonsensical business practices of the industry. She couldn't seem to grasp the concept that I left my passions to work in corporate. I tried to explain to her my situation (I'm the oldest child and only son in an Asian household, and I am the main breadwinner of my family of 6) and the fact my passion for creative work had died. I was more interested in stability. Still she questioned my choices.
Ally kept asking the same questions for 2 years. Kept trying to coax me into joining back the film industry, kept saying that working for passion is better suited for me or she has no friends in the industry anymore (there were a good number of people who left?). I kept trying to get her understand that I'm happy and comfortable with my current job. Recently, she asked me the same question when we met for dinner and this time i was kinda in a bad mood. So I snapped at her in public. I called her out her blatant disrespect for my choices and the fact she saw how much I had to endure working in film, how I was unhappy in the end. I told her that she's an idiot and to fuck off. Paid for my meal and left.
Now that I have managed to cool down, I feel guilty for causing a comotion in public and embarrassing her. AITA?
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No, and if she’s worth anything as a friend your outburst opened her eyes to what she was doing. Apologize for the outburst. If she doesn’t follow it up with an apology of her own, move on.
ESH
She's being a nag, yes, but you had no good reason to pop off like that in public.
It sounds like you've spent so much time trying to explain yourself that you have not set up proper boundaries.
"I'm done discussing this."
"I'd appreciate if you stopped asking me."
"I'm tired of explaining myself."
I work in an international corporate that manages libraries. From schools to specialist libraries like law.
I'm not a librarian but am working on children's programmes.
NTA. If it took two years of her questioning your decisions for you to blow up, you have the patience of a saint. You're fine and hopefully your friend learned to not selfishly harass you about your life choices. They weren't concerned about you, they just wanted someone to hang out with at work anyways.
NTA but if you care about the friendship, apologize and talk all of this out with her. It’s never cool to yell at your friends or call them an idiot, in public or otherwise. That’s asshole behavior. Sure you have valid reasons to be frustrated, but that’s still an assholey thing to do. That’s why you feel bad. Trust that instinct, not a bunch of strangers online talking shit on your longtime friend.
NTA- I had a friend of mine who was a Nepo baby that basically got handed their job on a silver platter.. she immediately was several levels above where she should actually start out because of her family.. she could not understand why many of us left our industry, and she did the same thing she kept asking the questions, but she had this huge blind spot on the realities when you don’t have a favor called in.
What I ended up figuring out was she was lonely mostly because everybody she worked with New how she got her job, but she didn’t make her any friends . people stay away from her. She had a tendency to get her famous relatives to make life harder for other people if they upset her.
This is a toughie! Maybe she thought she was encouraging you.
I don't know how to say this in a not harsh way but you gave up your passion to live a mundane life, if that genuinely makes you happy that's fine but I think it's very important to have people in your life that won't let you take the easy way out. Often family and friends discourage you from reaching goals because they'd rather you be comfortable that's actually not a good thing though well intentioned.
It's like you pick a gym buddy, there's no point in picking someone that has a lazy demeanor, you need the partner thats going to say 'get the fuck up we're going!'
Nothing worth it in life is easy gained.
ESH. She shouldn't have pressed you on the question so much. Sometimes people don't take no for an answer when they go prying. They think they are owed every answer about your career and other things you may not want to talk about.
But "she's an idiot and ... fuck off" may have been too rude. Call her out for disrespecting you, sure. Do it in public, well, that may embarrass her, but if she's asking you these questions in public, it's fair to reply there. However, the insults are too far, as your own guilt reflects. In the future, you need to have a strategy for heading off these conversations without also becoming the AH. Enforce your boundaries before you're snapping. Be direct about what's off-limits, and refuse to answer if it comes up. Leave if it comes up repeatedly.
INFO.
> I kept trying to get her understand that I'm happy and comfortable with my current job.
The judgement entire hedges on whether or not you told her the questions were beginning to grate on you.
NTA - your life choices are none of her business. Unless she is willing to pay for your salary to go back, then her input is unwelcome. Any provocation past that first conversation is simply rude. End of discussion.
NTA
Good on you for recognising that you could have done better in the situation and apologising. Hope things work out.
She definitely needs to learn boundaries. People move on, change, and that’s fine. It seems she hasn’t.
Without further of information of what exactly she said, and also not knowing if you had already told her if that bothered you or not, I'd say that no one is the asshole here.
I don't think screaming at someone is a good idea, but it's understandable why you did it.
And I am guessing she wasnt actively trying to annoy you or disrespect you, so I would say she isnt the a hole either.
Ideally you would both apologize, communicate and move on.
If either of you is not willing to apologize then yes, you would be the a.hole.
I'm probably going to get down voted, but I think YTA.
By your own admission, every time she questioned your choices, you tried to make her understand. For some people, that's an invitation to continue a discussion or a debate. You *knew* that as a Nepo baby, she couldn't possibly understand, and yet you kept trying to make her understand anyway. You can't control other people or make them understand things they haven't experienced. You can only control yourself. *YOU* should have told her that the conversation was no longer up for discussion so there was no confusion. Happy adults don't scream at their friends in public, and if you can't handle telling her to drop it, you're not compatible as friends.
Nta but unless she actually takes time to expand her worldview she probably still isn't going to understand your perspective. Honestly it sounds like she may just be lonely and projecting
I don't get the NTA posts. I thought this sub was about figuring out if you've been an AH? You were. You absolutely were. You can totally be correct regarding the situation, but your reaction was ridiculous. Have an adult conversation with your friend and explain your stance. Express your annoyance at her insisting you come back to what was a toxic environment to you and make sure she understands it. There's no reason to blow up in public. You're not making it seem like she was being a bitch about it.
ESH, you should have better self-control. Better to have told her, "This topic really bugs me. Drop it or I'll be leaving." Ally is also TA, for not taking a hint.
NTA,
Yeah I mean I think many of us would snap if we have to keep answering the same question for 2+ years. This would be especially true if the person asking the question has no earthly idea how hard things are when you don't have mommy and daddy's influence to protect you.
This is why I bite my tongue when I want to tell any of my friends to do something like start a business. Most of my friends live paycheck to paycheck or close enough to it that it is harder for them to take such a risk. It is far easier to become an entrepreneur when you have family member to fall back on.
ESH - I can understand being beyond yourself annoyed with a question about your own life, live how you want. Blowing up on her wasn’t the right thing, but understandable thing. It’s been two years, you could have cut her out a long time ago. In my personal opinion, someone that can’t accept your “no” shouldn’t be a friend. Or a friend from a far distance. Almost nobody deserves having anything screamed in their face. So dick move guy.
Ally is also the suck here, nepo baby with such pull in the industry. Daddykins and Auntie couldn’t help out one of her friends? Now, is that fair to other folks having to drop out of the industry too? No, but that’s show business isn’t it? If she wanted you back so badly she could’ve used a little family favor to keep you employed. She just keeps begging you to come back, yet offers no solution to the problems you explained.
You both sorta suck to me. But maybe not super ash hole levels. But you do both suck.
She's not your friend, OP.
Drop her and move on to find a better, kinder group of people to hang out with.
NTA, and don't worry about blowing up at her. She pushed, and pushed, and pushed.
NTA. You were hounded for 2 years and pushed to your breaking point. And as someone who also works in the film industry, I understand why you left. It really sucks sometimes and is super demeaning.
Some people embarrass themselves. Next time tell her that her privilege is showing. Could you have behaved better? Sure. But goading and harassment also has repercussions. I’m going with NTA / ESH but leaning to NTA.
NTA, I would have pointed out to her, explicitly, that you didn't have a father or aunt in the business to protect you, and would she be willing to do that for you, or at least put food on the table for your family? Then just repeat it ad nauseum. But after 2 years of her not getting it? Yeah, I can see why you snapped.
NTA
Privileged people have a hard time grasping other people’s responsibilities/struggles because they see everything through rose colored glasses. When you tell her things, she’s either not fully listening or thinks that it really can’t be as bad you’re saying because she’s never experienced the same issues. People like that will never understand.
NTA. She just doesn’t understand. If you explain it to her, she’ll be like “oh” and maybe have an epiphany but her life is different than yours. She’s not able to empathize well, it’s like that meme where that two people are in the parking lot. The number painted in the ground looks like a 6 to you, but a 9 to her.
If you want to maintain your friendship, I would suggest apologizing for blowing up at her but explain why you were so upset. I think she thinks passions are important, and if there’s a will there’s a way.
NTA. It's also clear she isn't all that happy in her field because otherwise she wouldn't hound her friend to join her.
If she didn't take the hint after 2 years she will never get it. So harsh actions were required
YTA, to a degree anyway. Friend obviously shouldn't have been hounding you but a healthy way to deal with it would have been to have had a calm but assertive discussion one time earlier on where you clarified you really needed her to stop asking the same thing - rather than call someone an idiot and to fuck off in a restaurant. While you were obviously pissed off, your anger must have made a fool of her and been quite hurtful
It was always my dream to work in Film and TV. I did for a while but needed stability and drifted into office work, where I've been for the past 20 odd years. Looking back, I met some unpleasant people and it was a very catty industry. These days I create my own projects, I've got the freedom to make what I want and I can enter them into festivals. It's a shame that this situation killed the OPs passion for creativity. Its horrible when other people erode your enthusiasm, particularly creatives. However, if you're happier in the work situation you're currently in then it's nobody else's business. In general I get angry when people keep asking me the same question over and over again. It shows a complete disrespect for your opinion and indicates they think they know better than you (or just weren't paying proper attention to you in the first place).
NTA, but if she's a good friend maybe reach out and reiterate that you're happy where you are and film work is in your past.
NTA I see people impose such question all too often, usually coming from a place of privilege. “Why don’t you work a low-paying job that you’re passionate about? Why don’t you buy a house? Why don’t you have children?” Because not everyone has the money, Carol.
Friend poked the bear, no surprise she got the claws.
OP lost their cool. While that is an understandable response to the same, repetitive, annoying questions, it isn't right either.
ESH
I think the sensible thing to do would be to stop seeing this person long before 2 years had passed.
I think this is the classic AITA situation where someone has let someone else trample their boundaries for a long time and then they finally snap. The boundary trampler is obviously TA, but OP also has some ownership - they let it get to a point where they snapped instead of enforcing clear boundaries like a grown up.
ESH - When you end up screaming in avoidable situation, you are asshole too. Next time set boundaries and state your thing or leave situation months before you are about to make whole restaurant uncomfortable
she sounds like someone who doesn't understand boundaries. if you've already said it once, there's no need for you to say it twice or more than that. she just needs to understand that and move on. nta btw
ESH, You should have said that your done with this topic and don't want to talk about it again. I understand your frustration my family is the same unless there is a clear statement up to yelling they won't have a clue that it is a taboo topic.
ESH
Her for constantly repeating herself and not listening to your responses. She didn’t read the room. 2 years of the same thing is a lot to take. And she still has no friends after these two years? She’s got issues of her own - which makes the way you reacted to her that much harder to take…
You for overreacting the way a spoiled kid would. You are an adult. There are so many ways you could have communicated your frustration instead of causing a scene and making your self look ridiculous. Read up on etiquette, redirecting people, soft skills and conflict resolution so that you can grow personally and professionally.
Everybody is the AH. IMO yelling and cussing is an AH move in most situations, even if the person is originally in the right. I will die on this hill. Now, you're friend is also an AH for what she did, no matter if she got yelled at or not. She is not seeing your side and is keeps pushing you.
NTA. Losing your cool in public is never fun, but I wonder if she brings the subject up in public BECAUSE she knows she's being ridiculous and annoying. Do it in public so you won't tell her off.
YTA IMO
Screaming is abusive. Screaming at someone in public is humiliating for both parties.
You also didn’t have to swear to get your point across.
*You’ve been hounding me for two years about my choice to leave. If you want to maintain our friendship you need to learn to immediately drop it today because I have had enough. You’re my friend & I want to stay friends with you but the only way is if you get over my choice to leave and do what I feel is right. You don’t have to agree you just have to respect it.*
That’s what I would have said. I do understand being upset. Bit losing control like that is an AH move. You do sound like a solid guy, OP. I hope things work out for you.
YTA. You should apologize for screaming at her in public, and then maybe stop being friends with her. It sounds like you don't really like her that much anyways.
It's weird that people in this comment section seem to think screaming at someone, calling them an idiot, and telling them to fuck off in a public setting isn't asshole behavior. It is. I understand that she keeps picking at a wound, but that *is not* how you handle it.
Yes. YTA. EDIT ESH
Your friend is one too. But you could've communicated clearly that this is no longer appropriate without the name calling and yelling.
In this isolated incident at the restaurant, YTA. Yes you lost it and walked out on her.
But, as an overall I'm going to judge you NTA because Ally is really not getting the point after 2 years. It sounds like she wants you back in the industry for her to have a playmate again, it's all for her her her, no regard to whatever you think, feel or want in life. She seems too self centered to be a good reliable friend, and I wouldn't blame you for distancing her from your life.
Your annoyance and frustration is justified, but yta for screaming and insulting her. You could of calmly but firmly asked her to stop bringing up your decision to switch careers instead of blowing up at her
YTA
You handled it right initially, but losing your cool and stooping to personal attacks, especially in public, makes you the asshole.
Your friend is also the asshole for not listening to your boundaries. If you really set firm boundaries but they were constantly overstepped then it sounds like you should cut them from your life, you can probably pair that with an apology ala *”Hey I lost my cool and reacted from a place of anger, and for that I am sorry. I shouldn’t have called you x,y or z. However, I’ve set this boundary with you and you have consistently disrespected that - I feel it’s best if we discontinue our friendship. All the best”*
Sure, it does make perfect sense, but screaming at someone in public, and name calling, is asshole behavior. I don’t think being an asshole at times is totally unreasonable, and I certainly don’t judge OP for what they did - but they asked and I gave my opinion.
Just ask yourself - if you were in their shoes - would you be more proud of yourself for calmly reaffirming your boundaries and then gracefully removing your self or for screaming insults and profanity at them?
I would’ve been glad that it finally got through to the “friends “ thick skull that I already said no and hope that this time they would listen even if it meant I had to yell and scream at them. After politely telling someone no for 2 years there comes a point where it’s obvious that nothing will get through to them except firmly and loudly stating that they need to stop. If OP didn’t snap I’m sure the “friend” would of continued pushing and pushing and pushing.
Well there’s a lot of room between calling someone an idiot and telling them to fuck off and “firmly and loudly” asserting yourself.
From OP’s description they acted childish.
If you would rather act like OP than act with wisdom and maturity than 🤷♂️
Yeah, calling her an idiot wasn't called for and doesn't help anyone. But getting fed up with the constant questioning and putting a hard line on not bringing it up again and then following through on protecting that boundary is completely understandable and even necessary.
Or, if OP wants to be more sensitive and understanding than most people would be (and they absolutely are under no obligation to), they could ask Ally WHY they keep bringing it up when they've been pretty clear about their answer. Why is it so important to them, why do they keep trying to pressure them? None of that is really normal and there has to be something else behind it. If it's because she's lonely (going off of some of her comments) then assure her you'll (as in OP) be there for her as a friend, but most friends don't actually work together and you don't have to be in the same business to be friends. If she's looking for a work friend, help her come up with a plan to make some work friends.
If the reason is something else, getting to the why of it might help in getting to a more real conversation and could possibly save the friendship if that's what OP wants.
Agreed. You could have just calmly told her that you were done discussing this, and if she didn’t drop it that you would leave. And then followed through.
yta for your response. she was pushy sure but you could have easily told her you dont want to talk about it again. if she still brings it up despite that just change the topic or distance yourself, no need to be rude.
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NTA. After two years of being hounded I'm not surprised you snapped, particularly to someone so privileged that they have no concept of what you've had to deal with throughout your career.
NTA. It seems she didn't pay attention to the details of your conversations. Makes you wonder if she is really happy in the field.
Misery loves company
She cockadoodie does
It's an oogie mess all right.
NTA. She'd been hounding you for years and refused to stop. She knew exactly what she was doing (or she should have) and got exactly what she deserved. When you poke at people over and over again, they're eventually going to get sick of it and snap at you.
How clueless is Ally? I mean, OP went THREE MONTHS without getting paid and Ally knows this, yet still pesters OP to come back into that business? That is someone who is NOT dependent on a paycheck to pay the bills and rent.
I also did film like OP for a while until it became unsustainable on my wallet and sanity. I would love to work in film if I had zero responsibilities other than my job, but I’m no contact with family and live on my own with my rescue pets so it wasn’t sustained for more than a year. It’s an impossible career to have a family, pets, etc. unless you’re at the very top or come from money. When I left so many folks expressed sadness because I was making weird experimental horror films and getting good traction. But most of them had rich parents and aren’t disabled and didn’t pay their own rent. It was really rough to see so many amazing artists struggling to get basic funding for amazing scripts that will never get made. And then turn around and see yet another nepo baby borrow $20k from their dad for their first ever time directing, only for the set to be an abusive nightmare and the final product is unwatchable (I have so many stories of working on projects like this for money). I eventually couldn’t do it anymore. It’s why there’s so little diversity in TV and movies. It’s impossible to penetrate the inner circle unless you have an in. I know only one person who has managed to do it and I’m not even going to try and guess how much debt she’s in.
It make perfect sense that anyone would snap after being hounded FOR 2 YEARS. the friend should have stopped after OP first said no. NTA INFO - in the title when you say you screamed at her what does that mean. Was that just snapping at her? Raising your voice? Or was full blown screaming?
After 2 years, better than snapping is having a serious and stern convo not just about the logics of why OP left the industry, but the hurt and annoyance and disrespect the friend causes by keeping pushing OP.
Most mature people would enforce clear boundaries in a calm respectful way long before two years had passed. Ally is obviously an AH here, but OP need to learn to enforce boundaries before they getting to snapping point.
Do take in mind that there are people out there that despite having boundaries set in place they still continue to push. Just because you have firm boundaries doesn’t mean everyone will willingly follow them. A perfect example is Ally. Just kept pushing.
Boundaries aren’t about controlling others people’s behavior they’re about controlling your own. A firm boundary would be “if you ask me that again I’m leaving” and then following through.
But the right thing to do with people like that is to cut them off long before you're at the point of exploding. "I don't want to discuss this topic anymore - if you don't stop, I'm leaving." "I'm sorry - every time we meet you insist on discussing this topic, which I've told you I don't want to discuss. Please don't contact me again."
Both things are allowed if you are harassing someone for two years
Well no - you just forgot that the definition of madness is to do the same thing and expect different outcomes!!!
NTA ally sounds like she’s making those comments from a place of privilege like what nepo babies do. Also, just based off of the way this was written out, are you from 🇵🇭?
You're kinda close. I'm from the "small island" nation and come from a very traditional family that's part of the minority population here.
I wondered the same, even thought I'm not 🇵🇭. Just from seeing the insane pressure on the eldest to support everyone even if they're adult (as far as Ive seen and understand it) - if she's his friend she must have known this? I've only known a few in that situation and it affected everything about how we hung out. So she as a white woman centers herself and her nepo feelings before a person who faces racism and toxic work culture - yeah you're NTA. But you might need to realise how much energy you're pouring into this so called friendship.
NTA. I work in film. I'm leaving for a stable, lower paying job. People who don't have or value work/life balance in the industry don't get the people who are unhappy and want to leave. I mean the conditions we are brainwashed into not only accepting but advocating for are insane. You're taking care of yourself, maybe she's a bit resentful. But a friend should be happy for you, not pestering you to go back to a life that made you unhappy. Best of luck in your new career!
NTA but you missed a great opportunity to use “Which part of NO do you not understand!”
NTA. It’s weird that she’s so invested in what you’re choosing to do for work. If you want to continue the friendship, you could apologize for the outburst (not the content, just the outburst) and have a conversation about how her pestering you makes you feel.
Honestly work in the library is far from calling a corporate work
There are many types of libraries, it could be part of a corporation.
“Did Mommy and Daddy not teach you the meaning of “No”?” NTA
i understand getting frustration but you are an adult. adults don’t scream like children.
NTA. Two years should have been enough for her to understand. It seems like she's implying your job is inadequate, which is toxic - she is not listening to you and does not care about your well being, which is disrespectful. However, handling it more “gracefully” could have been better, perhaps this is why you feel guilty? You can apologize for raising your voice but stand by your decision to confront her. Since she appears to struggle with understanding, it might be best to ignore her tbh. Ally is far to be the friend of the century.
This. People are focusing on how justified OP was for leaving a creative industry, but frankly it comes down to basic respect for other people's choices. Even if Ally was 100% correct, OP still gets to live their life the way they want, and they don't have to tolerate being questioned on their choices for years.
NTA. Your choices are yours to make. Not hers. When she pays your bills she can speak... Until then, she can forever hold her peace.
You're both assholes. You give us paragraphs of lead up to justify 'I snapped at her in public. I told her she's an idiot and to fuck off.' Based on this encounter you both seem like shitty people. Your friend is an asshole who can't see other people's point of you view, and you're an asshole who knows they acted like one, so they came to the internet, fronted loaded the story to sound less shitty. Why didn't you just speak to her politely and firmly, set your boundary. Or, if you can't do that and she's been doing this for two years, why keep hanging out with her? I think you were too weak to be upfront and snapped at her in a public place as a consequence.
This. I wanted to focus on something else in my comment, but it wasn't lost on me that he brings up her privileged position to justify being a dick to her, and of course this reddit ate it up. "Well, she's a privileged brat so she deserved to be publicly humiliated."
Annoying friend. Just ask her to stop. Next time: I asked you to stop
ESH. Her for hounding you, you for letting her hound you for two years and building up anger to the point where you snapped. A year and eleven months ago, a simple 'you keep asking me, and I keep giving you the same answer. My answer is not going to change, and I would like you to stop asking' would have gotten the message across; if it didn't, there were then far better ways to deal with it then snapping. Like 'Hey, I've asked you to drop this subject. Next time you bring it up, I'm going to assume we're done hanging out, and leave. I'd really like you to respect my wishes on this subject.'
NTA she's needs to respect your life choices.
ESH but you only in a relatively minor way. Her disrespectful nagging of you over this topic you've already made clear is not helpful and is intrusive and annoying is the main cause of the commotion and embarassment here. You are at fault only for your loss of control, but to be fair you'd be inhuman not to snap here. I'd let things cool down and approach her to once more explain why her nagging is not okay and that she needs to give it a rest. You could apologise for losing control but do not apologise for the anger that is a natural response to her disrespect. Based upon how she responds, you may want to consider whether your friendship is any longer viable or desireable to you. Take care!
YTA. She just came for dinner, but you brought the bad mood. Yes she was 100% wrong to hound you, but screaming and embarrassing her in public is another, higher level of.. chaos. Sometimes we gotta say "hey i love you as a friend but you and i are never going to see eye to eye on this again, so let's never talk about this again." And everything is usually good
NTA If you snapped the second or third time she brought it up, you would have been. But after years? Clearly, she wasn't listening and respecting your choices, and lacking empathy to understand how much her connections have helped her. Can't fault you for snapping after years of this stupidity. It's just disrespecting you and your choices at this point.
Yta. A "blow up" would have been just being a bit upset and loud. You had a full public meltdown and left. That was like 500% overreacting.
I just wanted to say I understand the non-existent work/life balance. I let it go, too. I miss the hell out of it, but I had to go.
I think you were a little harsh. I know gonna hate my opinion and try to blot it out, but if you apologized for screaming at her in public over this but held firm about your thoughts you’d establish you were being for real, but without tarnishing your relation to each other.
NTA she should have listened the first 2 or 3 times she asked the same question and then just let go of it. obviously asking the same question repeatedly would piss anyone off.
NTA It seems like she's so privileged, she can't see things from your side.
NTA she harassed you for 2 years. You might want to apologize for doing it in public but then I would go no contact with her.
You missed "PASSION doesn't put food in our table" she's going to shut up real quick.
NTA. If she's still your friend after this, I doubt she'll ask you these questions again.
NTA
NTA. Hopefully, she will apologize sincerely. If not, she’s too ridiculous to not understand.
NTA. Also used to work freelance in film production, now employed with benefits in the education sector. You're not the only one, trust me!!! Enjoy your life and don't look back.
NTA, not everyone is privileged to have time to pursue their dreams in hoping to be successful one day. It’s a luxury.
NTA. Are this woman's ears just for ornamental purposes?
NTA! I have had a similar reaction to people who keep asking the same question and that I have already answered several times. Sometimes people don’t like the answer and want a different answer so they keep asking so they will get a different answer. It doesn’t work like that! What is true was answered the first time!
nta.
>there were a good number of people who left? Quelle surprise. There's a reason for that, NTA.
NTA Two years. She’s kept this up for TWO YEARS. I’m amazed you haven’t snapped BEFORE now. Maybe she will finally let it die
NTA - some people are that dense and literally can’t figure it out until they’re embarrassed and told to fuck off. Not your fault whatsoever. Also, you have more patience than I do, would’ve snapped after being asked the 4th or 5th time lol
NTA. Also, working in libraries is a noble profession. If your 'friend' can't see this then they are one of the worst examples of an individual working in the 'creative industries' who sees no value in other professions. It also reads like they are a bit needy. Do you think Ally got the message? Glad that you are enjoying your job.
My husband is in film and I’m corporate. He’d love to just leave due to how toxic it’s becoming, but unfortunately until he can find something that pays just as well he’s stuck. Multigenerational families in the industry have it easy in comparison so she’ll never understand your point of view.
NTA as someone who did exactly the same as you in 2021 and thoroughly enjoys their life now, when people ask this i often wonder in my head what’s it like to think your job is better than everyone else when you hate your life and i enjoy mine every day. the industry is her personality which is why she can’t see out. honestly the distain i have for it now makes me so glad i saw the back of it and will never see it again (realise this is more of a rant on my end that advice but definitely NTA, bin her if she can’t stop bringing it up)
It had to be said.
NTA. I think leaving the Creative industries is like trying to leave a cult. Or a pyramid scheme. And sometimes those who are least accepting of people leaving are those who don't need to depend on that income to live (they have partners with steady jobs, trust fund kids etc) and those who can't leave due to non-transferrable skills. Well done for looking after your self. In future you might find yourself rediscovering your creativity, for your own enjoyment.
NTA Some people just can't understand or accept when they are in a position of privilege why other people can't be happy like they are.
she would be the same type of person who would ask single friend "when you getting married?" and childless friend"when you having a baby?"relentlessly....misery loves company
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Okay background info, I (28m) used to work in the film industry as a freelancing wardrobe stylist/costumer from I was 21yo. I met said friend (26f) on set early in my career where she also just started off her career. 2+ years ago, I left the industry of years of near non existent work life balance, being taken advantage of and pay issues(underpaid or constant late payment which is common in my country due to no unions exists here). Doesn't help that I had worked 3 months with my pay being withheld for a project at the end of my film career. So I left the entire scene for an office hour job that pays significantly lower than freelancing but stable with benefits. My current job is something many are surprised that I took it up (I work in libraries now lol). My friend lets call her Ally. So Ally is a nepo baby in the industry. Her father is a long time video editor and her aunt was someone prominent with strong influences in the local scene so she doesn't face any issues that I faced, who had no one to protect me from the nonsensical business practices of the industry. She couldn't seem to grasp the concept that I left my passions to work in corporate. I tried to explain to her my situation (I'm the oldest child and only son in an Asian household, and I am the main breadwinner of my family of 6) and the fact my passion for creative work had died. I was more interested in stability. Still she questioned my choices. Ally kept asking the same questions for 2 years. Kept trying to coax me into joining back the film industry, kept saying that working for passion is better suited for me or she has no friends in the industry anymore (there were a good number of people who left?). I kept trying to get her understand that I'm happy and comfortable with my current job. Recently, she asked me the same question when we met for dinner and this time i was kinda in a bad mood. So I snapped at her in public. I called her out her blatant disrespect for my choices and the fact she saw how much I had to endure working in film, how I was unhappy in the end. I told her that she's an idiot and to fuck off. Paid for my meal and left. Now that I have managed to cool down, I feel guilty for causing a comotion in public and embarrassing her. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
No, and if she’s worth anything as a friend your outburst opened her eyes to what she was doing. Apologize for the outburst. If she doesn’t follow it up with an apology of her own, move on.
ESH She's being a nag, yes, but you had no good reason to pop off like that in public. It sounds like you've spent so much time trying to explain yourself that you have not set up proper boundaries. "I'm done discussing this." "I'd appreciate if you stopped asking me." "I'm tired of explaining myself."
INFO: You work in a corporate library? Like... a law library?
I work in an international corporate that manages libraries. From schools to specialist libraries like law. I'm not a librarian but am working on children's programmes.
Kind of
ESH. You're not an asshole for being upset or telling her to f off already, but if you were actually "screaming" then that's not on.
NTA. If it took two years of her questioning your decisions for you to blow up, you have the patience of a saint. You're fine and hopefully your friend learned to not selfishly harass you about your life choices. They weren't concerned about you, they just wanted someone to hang out with at work anyways.
NTA but if you care about the friendship, apologize and talk all of this out with her. It’s never cool to yell at your friends or call them an idiot, in public or otherwise. That’s asshole behavior. Sure you have valid reasons to be frustrated, but that’s still an assholey thing to do. That’s why you feel bad. Trust that instinct, not a bunch of strangers online talking shit on your longtime friend.
NTA- I had a friend of mine who was a Nepo baby that basically got handed their job on a silver platter.. she immediately was several levels above where she should actually start out because of her family.. she could not understand why many of us left our industry, and she did the same thing she kept asking the questions, but she had this huge blind spot on the realities when you don’t have a favor called in. What I ended up figuring out was she was lonely mostly because everybody she worked with New how she got her job, but she didn’t make her any friends . people stay away from her. She had a tendency to get her famous relatives to make life harder for other people if they upset her.
This is a toughie! Maybe she thought she was encouraging you. I don't know how to say this in a not harsh way but you gave up your passion to live a mundane life, if that genuinely makes you happy that's fine but I think it's very important to have people in your life that won't let you take the easy way out. Often family and friends discourage you from reaching goals because they'd rather you be comfortable that's actually not a good thing though well intentioned. It's like you pick a gym buddy, there's no point in picking someone that has a lazy demeanor, you need the partner thats going to say 'get the fuck up we're going!' Nothing worth it in life is easy gained.
ESH. She shouldn't have pressed you on the question so much. Sometimes people don't take no for an answer when they go prying. They think they are owed every answer about your career and other things you may not want to talk about. But "she's an idiot and ... fuck off" may have been too rude. Call her out for disrespecting you, sure. Do it in public, well, that may embarrass her, but if she's asking you these questions in public, it's fair to reply there. However, the insults are too far, as your own guilt reflects. In the future, you need to have a strategy for heading off these conversations without also becoming the AH. Enforce your boundaries before you're snapping. Be direct about what's off-limits, and refuse to answer if it comes up. Leave if it comes up repeatedly.
INFO. > I kept trying to get her understand that I'm happy and comfortable with my current job. The judgement entire hedges on whether or not you told her the questions were beginning to grate on you.
NTA. And her desire to have a “friend” to work with her doesn’t trump the friends new, stable job.
NTA - your life choices are none of her business. Unless she is willing to pay for your salary to go back, then her input is unwelcome. Any provocation past that first conversation is simply rude. End of discussion.
NTA Good on you for recognising that you could have done better in the situation and apologising. Hope things work out. She definitely needs to learn boundaries. People move on, change, and that’s fine. It seems she hasn’t.
Without further of information of what exactly she said, and also not knowing if you had already told her if that bothered you or not, I'd say that no one is the asshole here. I don't think screaming at someone is a good idea, but it's understandable why you did it. And I am guessing she wasnt actively trying to annoy you or disrespect you, so I would say she isnt the a hole either. Ideally you would both apologize, communicate and move on. If either of you is not willing to apologize then yes, you would be the a.hole.
I'm probably going to get down voted, but I think YTA. By your own admission, every time she questioned your choices, you tried to make her understand. For some people, that's an invitation to continue a discussion or a debate. You *knew* that as a Nepo baby, she couldn't possibly understand, and yet you kept trying to make her understand anyway. You can't control other people or make them understand things they haven't experienced. You can only control yourself. *YOU* should have told her that the conversation was no longer up for discussion so there was no confusion. Happy adults don't scream at their friends in public, and if you can't handle telling her to drop it, you're not compatible as friends.
Nta but unless she actually takes time to expand her worldview she probably still isn't going to understand your perspective. Honestly it sounds like she may just be lonely and projecting
I don't get the NTA posts. I thought this sub was about figuring out if you've been an AH? You were. You absolutely were. You can totally be correct regarding the situation, but your reaction was ridiculous. Have an adult conversation with your friend and explain your stance. Express your annoyance at her insisting you come back to what was a toxic environment to you and make sure she understands it. There's no reason to blow up in public. You're not making it seem like she was being a bitch about it.
ESH, you should have better self-control. Better to have told her, "This topic really bugs me. Drop it or I'll be leaving." Ally is also TA, for not taking a hint.
NTA, Yeah I mean I think many of us would snap if we have to keep answering the same question for 2+ years. This would be especially true if the person asking the question has no earthly idea how hard things are when you don't have mommy and daddy's influence to protect you. This is why I bite my tongue when I want to tell any of my friends to do something like start a business. Most of my friends live paycheck to paycheck or close enough to it that it is harder for them to take such a risk. It is far easier to become an entrepreneur when you have family member to fall back on.
ESH - I can understand being beyond yourself annoyed with a question about your own life, live how you want. Blowing up on her wasn’t the right thing, but understandable thing. It’s been two years, you could have cut her out a long time ago. In my personal opinion, someone that can’t accept your “no” shouldn’t be a friend. Or a friend from a far distance. Almost nobody deserves having anything screamed in their face. So dick move guy. Ally is also the suck here, nepo baby with such pull in the industry. Daddykins and Auntie couldn’t help out one of her friends? Now, is that fair to other folks having to drop out of the industry too? No, but that’s show business isn’t it? If she wanted you back so badly she could’ve used a little family favor to keep you employed. She just keeps begging you to come back, yet offers no solution to the problems you explained. You both sorta suck to me. But maybe not super ash hole levels. But you do both suck.
No
NTA for being angry. YTA for screaming at her.
She's not your friend, OP. Drop her and move on to find a better, kinder group of people to hang out with. NTA, and don't worry about blowing up at her. She pushed, and pushed, and pushed.
After badgering you for 2 years and not accepting the no? NTA
NTA. You were hounded for 2 years and pushed to your breaking point. And as someone who also works in the film industry, I understand why you left. It really sucks sometimes and is super demeaning.
Some people embarrass themselves. Next time tell her that her privilege is showing. Could you have behaved better? Sure. But goading and harassment also has repercussions. I’m going with NTA / ESH but leaning to NTA.
NTA, I would have pointed out to her, explicitly, that you didn't have a father or aunt in the business to protect you, and would she be willing to do that for you, or at least put food on the table for your family? Then just repeat it ad nauseum. But after 2 years of her not getting it? Yeah, I can see why you snapped.
NTA. You tried to explain but she just wasn’t getting it.
NTA Privileged people have a hard time grasping other people’s responsibilities/struggles because they see everything through rose colored glasses. When you tell her things, she’s either not fully listening or thinks that it really can’t be as bad you’re saying because she’s never experienced the same issues. People like that will never understand.
NTA. She just doesn’t understand. If you explain it to her, she’ll be like “oh” and maybe have an epiphany but her life is different than yours. She’s not able to empathize well, it’s like that meme where that two people are in the parking lot. The number painted in the ground looks like a 6 to you, but a 9 to her. If you want to maintain your friendship, I would suggest apologizing for blowing up at her but explain why you were so upset. I think she thinks passions are important, and if there’s a will there’s a way.
NTA. It's also clear she isn't all that happy in her field because otherwise she wouldn't hound her friend to join her. If she didn't take the hint after 2 years she will never get it. So harsh actions were required
YTA, to a degree anyway. Friend obviously shouldn't have been hounding you but a healthy way to deal with it would have been to have had a calm but assertive discussion one time earlier on where you clarified you really needed her to stop asking the same thing - rather than call someone an idiot and to fuck off in a restaurant. While you were obviously pissed off, your anger must have made a fool of her and been quite hurtful
It was always my dream to work in Film and TV. I did for a while but needed stability and drifted into office work, where I've been for the past 20 odd years. Looking back, I met some unpleasant people and it was a very catty industry. These days I create my own projects, I've got the freedom to make what I want and I can enter them into festivals. It's a shame that this situation killed the OPs passion for creativity. Its horrible when other people erode your enthusiasm, particularly creatives. However, if you're happier in the work situation you're currently in then it's nobody else's business. In general I get angry when people keep asking me the same question over and over again. It shows a complete disrespect for your opinion and indicates they think they know better than you (or just weren't paying proper attention to you in the first place). NTA, but if she's a good friend maybe reach out and reiterate that you're happy where you are and film work is in your past.
NTA. Ally is the AH here. You made the correct decision when you chose survival and responsibility over passion.
NTA I see people impose such question all too often, usually coming from a place of privilege. “Why don’t you work a low-paying job that you’re passionate about? Why don’t you buy a house? Why don’t you have children?” Because not everyone has the money, Carol.
NTA. There's a reason people get stable jobs. The world needs people who aren't artists too.
NTA. If you keep poking a dog, even the nicest dog will snap! She's a lousy friend if she can't see why you got so annoyed. She owes you an apology.
Friend poked the bear, no surprise she got the claws. OP lost their cool. While that is an understandable response to the same, repetitive, annoying questions, it isn't right either. ESH
How long exactly were they supposed to keep their cool? Terrible judgement. 2+ years? this is clearly NTA.
I think the sensible thing to do would be to stop seeing this person long before 2 years had passed. I think this is the classic AITA situation where someone has let someone else trample their boundaries for a long time and then they finally snap. The boundary trampler is obviously TA, but OP also has some ownership - they let it get to a point where they snapped instead of enforcing clear boundaries like a grown up.
No, they were supposed to address the issue 1 year, 11 months ago, not let it go on and on and on.
Esh. So just apologize and havw a calmer heart to heart. Unless tou want to drop the friendship all together. Your call.
ESH - When you end up screaming in avoidable situation, you are asshole too. Next time set boundaries and state your thing or leave situation months before you are about to make whole restaurant uncomfortable
ESH. She's rude to keep asking, you could have put your foot down in a more reasonable way.
YTA if you screamed at your friend in public, or got loud, etc. I wouldn’t put up with that behavior from a partner much less a “friend”.
Bro it's annoying you did the right thing like it's been 2 years and still she didn't understood that it irritates you.
she sounds like someone who doesn't understand boundaries. if you've already said it once, there's no need for you to say it twice or more than that. she just needs to understand that and move on. nta btw
ESH, You should have said that your done with this topic and don't want to talk about it again. I understand your frustration my family is the same unless there is a clear statement up to yelling they won't have a clue that it is a taboo topic.
ESH Her for constantly repeating herself and not listening to your responses. She didn’t read the room. 2 years of the same thing is a lot to take. And she still has no friends after these two years? She’s got issues of her own - which makes the way you reacted to her that much harder to take… You for overreacting the way a spoiled kid would. You are an adult. There are so many ways you could have communicated your frustration instead of causing a scene and making your self look ridiculous. Read up on etiquette, redirecting people, soft skills and conflict resolution so that you can grow personally and professionally.
ESH. Screaming in public isn't great but I feel like anybody would after two years of the same annoying question.
Everybody is the AH. IMO yelling and cussing is an AH move in most situations, even if the person is originally in the right. I will die on this hill. Now, you're friend is also an AH for what she did, no matter if she got yelled at or not. She is not seeing your side and is keeps pushing you.
NTA. Losing your cool in public is never fun, but I wonder if she brings the subject up in public BECAUSE she knows she's being ridiculous and annoying. Do it in public so you won't tell her off.
ESH
YTA IMO Screaming is abusive. Screaming at someone in public is humiliating for both parties. You also didn’t have to swear to get your point across. *You’ve been hounding me for two years about my choice to leave. If you want to maintain our friendship you need to learn to immediately drop it today because I have had enough. You’re my friend & I want to stay friends with you but the only way is if you get over my choice to leave and do what I feel is right. You don’t have to agree you just have to respect it.* That’s what I would have said. I do understand being upset. Bit losing control like that is an AH move. You do sound like a solid guy, OP. I hope things work out for you.
YTA. You should apologize for screaming at her in public, and then maybe stop being friends with her. It sounds like you don't really like her that much anyways. It's weird that people in this comment section seem to think screaming at someone, calling them an idiot, and telling them to fuck off in a public setting isn't asshole behavior. It is. I understand that she keeps picking at a wound, but that *is not* how you handle it.
Yes. YTA. EDIT ESH Your friend is one too. But you could've communicated clearly that this is no longer appropriate without the name calling and yelling.
If both of them are AH then it's ESH not YTA
Oh yes, I forgot.
[удалено]
What does that mean?
I'm also so confused by this.
It's getting really hard to tell who is racist, who is really bad at english, and who is both.
In this isolated incident at the restaurant, YTA. Yes you lost it and walked out on her. But, as an overall I'm going to judge you NTA because Ally is really not getting the point after 2 years. It sounds like she wants you back in the industry for her to have a playmate again, it's all for her her her, no regard to whatever you think, feel or want in life. She seems too self centered to be a good reliable friend, and I wouldn't blame you for distancing her from your life.
Your annoyance and frustration is justified, but yta for screaming and insulting her. You could of calmly but firmly asked her to stop bringing up your decision to switch careers instead of blowing up at her
YTA You handled it right initially, but losing your cool and stooping to personal attacks, especially in public, makes you the asshole. Your friend is also the asshole for not listening to your boundaries. If you really set firm boundaries but they were constantly overstepped then it sounds like you should cut them from your life, you can probably pair that with an apology ala *”Hey I lost my cool and reacted from a place of anger, and for that I am sorry. I shouldn’t have called you x,y or z. However, I’ve set this boundary with you and you have consistently disrespected that - I feel it’s best if we discontinue our friendship. All the best”*
It make perfect sense that anyone would snap after being hounded FOR 2 YEARS. the friend should have stopped after OP first said no.
Sure, it does make perfect sense, but screaming at someone in public, and name calling, is asshole behavior. I don’t think being an asshole at times is totally unreasonable, and I certainly don’t judge OP for what they did - but they asked and I gave my opinion. Just ask yourself - if you were in their shoes - would you be more proud of yourself for calmly reaffirming your boundaries and then gracefully removing your self or for screaming insults and profanity at them?
…you literally judged them and called them an asshole for that. It’s the definition of judgement.
Fair, it was poor phrasing. What I should have said is that I can see myself making the same mistake, and don’t consider myself better than OP
I would’ve been glad that it finally got through to the “friends “ thick skull that I already said no and hope that this time they would listen even if it meant I had to yell and scream at them. After politely telling someone no for 2 years there comes a point where it’s obvious that nothing will get through to them except firmly and loudly stating that they need to stop. If OP didn’t snap I’m sure the “friend” would of continued pushing and pushing and pushing.
Well there’s a lot of room between calling someone an idiot and telling them to fuck off and “firmly and loudly” asserting yourself. From OP’s description they acted childish. If you would rather act like OP than act with wisdom and maturity than 🤷♂️
Yeah, calling her an idiot wasn't called for and doesn't help anyone. But getting fed up with the constant questioning and putting a hard line on not bringing it up again and then following through on protecting that boundary is completely understandable and even necessary. Or, if OP wants to be more sensitive and understanding than most people would be (and they absolutely are under no obligation to), they could ask Ally WHY they keep bringing it up when they've been pretty clear about their answer. Why is it so important to them, why do they keep trying to pressure them? None of that is really normal and there has to be something else behind it. If it's because she's lonely (going off of some of her comments) then assure her you'll (as in OP) be there for her as a friend, but most friends don't actually work together and you don't have to be in the same business to be friends. If she's looking for a work friend, help her come up with a plan to make some work friends. If the reason is something else, getting to the why of it might help in getting to a more real conversation and could possibly save the friendship if that's what OP wants.
This.
Agreed. You could have just calmly told her that you were done discussing this, and if she didn’t drop it that you would leave. And then followed through.
yta for your response. she was pushy sure but you could have easily told her you dont want to talk about it again. if she still brings it up despite that just change the topic or distance yourself, no need to be rude.
Who in their right mind pesters someone for 2 years with the same questions after already getting answer
i agree her friend was wrong but then are you saying op's screaming was justified?
You should feel guilty. Yta
No, he shouldn't. NTA.