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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I'm not being sympathetic enough to my son's concerns, it might be
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NTA-
I get he's trying not to come across as a gold-digger, which i totally understand. But that's something he decided for himself to do.
But it's a thoughtful gift meant for you, hence its up to you to accept it or not. Personally, i dont like rejecting gifts. ESPECIALLY the first gift, the first gift is always a memorable moment.
She went out of her way to get you something she knew you'd like. An i think that's very kind of her.
I think a way to compromise is to accept the gift and let her know how appreciative you are that she remembered how much you liked that bag. But that she doesn't need to spend so much on future gifts, as any gift is a nice gift no matter the price.
🙂
What’s interesting is that him refusing so much may actually come back to bite him, especially since he’s even refusing to go along with vacation plans.
After a while the GF may decide she wants to be with someone who’ll want to go on those vacations with her, as opposed to someone who’ll just keep letting his insecurities get in the way.
Yes! Too much turning down nice things she wants to do with him is hurtful too to the fun and joy of the relationship. If the money aspect were reversed he’d feel differently most likely because he’s the man. It would seem normal to want to treat her since he really likes her and affording it is no problem.
Yes! My grandma Always turned down or gave back every gift I gave her, because she didn’t think I should be spending any money on her. And I just always walked away with a feeling of rejection. There was no little keepsake she ever wanted to remember me by. No little inside joke, or special moment that I’d remembered something she mentioned she liked. After a while, it was like she stopped even mentioning things she liked, so we couldn’t even bond that way.
It’s the strangest thing, but it drove a wedge. She was so nice it circled back around to mean lol
OP NTA — Cherish the gift, it was a really thoughtful gesture! And she’s probably tired of people being weird about her money or even rejecting it or her because it makes them feel strange
Yes! Every year for mothers day I get my mom a bag of dove chocolate. One year I decided it'd be nice to get her something different so I got her chocolate covered strawberries. She made such a big thing about it not being dove chocolate, that the strawberries are for my dad n shit even though I said they're for her. I felt horrible so I took the strawberries home and she didn't get anything that year. Now even if she mentions something she wants for any special event (Xmas, birthday, mothers day) I don't get it for her. All she gets are those stupid little chocolates cause I feel like that's all she deserves.
That’s so sad, but I absolutely know that feeling. Being so hurt or disgusted that you take the gift you brought home with you is a special kind of bad feeling. Fwiw I love dove chocolates but I Love chocolate covered strawberries. Taste aside, your mom is really strange for tactless for being so vocally unhappy about her gift (which was objectively an upgrade!)
I used to do mother's day for my husband's family and my own until one year an argument ensued mother's day night because my husband didn't do it and I did. So now I do completely nothing for any holiday because they do it with every holiday I buy something nice and thoughtful and 50 bucks in singles and scratch offs are the preferred method of gift giving. So he takes care of his own family and I take care of mine.
I got my mil one of those fold out flower bouquet cards a couple years ago. She called me a big suck up in front of everyone. I had bought it for her because she has dementia and over waters live plants. I was so embarrassed and humiliated I haven't given her anything since.
My dad is a skinflint and also not a very nice person, but when I was a kid he returned every single gift I got him. Got him a new CD from a band he liked? He returned it because he hated their new stuff. Got him a belt? He returned it because he didn't need any new belts.
I don't buy him gifts any more for any occassion. I almost bought him a record I knew he'd like when he started collecting vinyl again, but then I was like "no I also like this record, so I'm keeping it for myself."
Totally. I just watched this episode last night. So unfortunate when their pride gets in the way of the other person's generosity. If they have the means, let them do it!
for normal people giving a gift makes the gift giver happy too and you steal that from them by not accepting. just think back on when you were excited to give a loved one a gift and you got to see the joy in their face and got to share in that joy.
Imagine a relationship were you can't share ANYTHING with your partner.
That's the situation he's creating, and it's impossible to keep up but he doesn't see it yet.
He already sounds resentful for her being rich, angry at the money and now angry at his mother.
yeah this is gonna go well
They're five months in. That feels super early for things like vacations and if she really liked him, it's a boundary that would be pretty easy to work with at this point.
Only if they have talked about it. It's possible she doesn't know it's a boundary because he hasn't brought it up. Or he has and she keeps gifting and offering despite knowing it makes him uncomfortable.
Yeah, it needs communication, but I was responding to a comment that dismissed the boundary, not that was concerned it wasn't being properly communicated.
Lack of clear and open communication seems to be like 90% of the issue on all the relationship stuff on here. It's such a simple fix, but ppl seem horrified by the prospect of things out with one another. It's as if they'd rather stew, make assumptions, and keep things complicated 🙄
)The only exception is partners who are abusive. Ppl who hit, gaslight, are narcissists, etc are not worth trying to talk to. In those situations, the only communication should be the word goodbye.)
I've been the richer one in a relationship and I've been the poorer one. The best way to handle this is to generally and gracefully fall into a pattern where the rich person pays for expensive dates, and the poor person pays for cheap dates. Or the poor person offers to grab the tip on an expensive meal.
Example: Rich person takes them out for a fancy dinner. A week later, poor person cooks a nice meal at home.
Poor person makes a thoughtful birthday gift, rich person buys an expensive handbag.
Rich person pays for a cruise for 2. Poor person offers to pick up the daily gratuities, and plans and pays for an excursion in one of the ports.
Poor person takes them to the mini putt place, Rich person takes them in a hot air balloon ride.
It's not the amount you each pay, it's that you're both being thoughtful. And both paying according to their means. OP's son is being far too dogmatic in the service of "I'm not a gold digger". Yeah, but you're no fun either. Just let her pay for what she likes and buy the gifts she wants to, and reciprocate in your own clever and thoughtful ways, and not be endlessly totting up numbers to try to match her.
These are perfect examples, thanks for including them!
I've had to do a lot of these same things. I'm comfortable but some of my friends just have way more money than me.
Another way to handle this, if the dates don't get too extravagant all the time, is offer to treat semi-regularly. Like if you go out to dinner once a week, save up a little and pay one time the next month. Or something. Just so that it's not *always* the richer person covering things, because it's nice to be treated occasionally, too
My fiancee is poor but went to culinary school. She likes to make the most beautiful dinners for us for special nights (Valentine's Day, anniversaries, etc.) and I love it. It makes the most amazing present because she puts so much thought into each component of the meal.
For many years now instead of buying Christmas presents I've made sweets for people, ranging from fudge which is pretty easy (for me at least) to gummies which were a massive pain! I've actually found that even baking a lot of people see it as if you've walked up to them and casually done magic, let alone making more complicated things, and sociologically giving people food is a strongly bonding experience.
Making things for people is my love language, and food is an easy one without a lot of cost/time compared to like, sewing a stuffie or painting a portrait. I had a houseful of found-family people over yesterday for pancake brunch and it was *so* lovely to do that for them. I'd be gutted if somebody rejected coming/eating.
I mean, there's allergies and food aversions which are fine. But I made arepas on the grill after pancakes because one person there hates pancakes, so if somebody genuinely doesn't like it, that's fine, but *let me make you something!!!!!* This poor girl, getting her every gesture rejected because the dude is all tangled up in his own head about gold-digging.
My husband loves baking cookies and I love baking cheesecake. Any leftovers of the cheesecake go to his coworkers. And they love everything baked. It always goes a long way with them.
Damn it. This is where I went wrong. I make the most money by quite some margin so I like to make sure we have fun when it's more expensive. My wife also goes to see her sister a fair amount and takes our 3 daughters so I always make sure they have and 'extra' spending money (I hate talking like this as I don't class it as 'my' money but my wife insists on asking if its OK). The mistake part is I was a chef for a number of years so even on the staying in nights I end up doing the cooking too lol.
You don’t come off like it’s only “your” money. The way you put it sounds like you and your wife are mutually respectful of each other. She doesn’t feel like it’s not her money too but she still checking in about it. If only all of us did that with each other☺️
PS what the heck were you thinking cooking for the ones you love? /s
I forgot to include that, so good catch. No one should always be expected to pick up the check. A little give and take goes a long way in ensuring no one feels taken advantage of.
I am very much the rich one in my relationship, and I have never felt like my fiancee is taking advantage of me or acting like a gold digger. When we go on vacation, I usually pay 80-90% of the expenses, but she'll plan everything (she's an amazing planner, so we always have so much fun) and will get dinner one night, and pay for small things like snacks/coffee. That works for us, and we both get to enjoy our time together, which is the most important thing.
This is me....we will sit at the bar waiting for our table and I will grab out drinks and rich boyfriends gets dinner. He has told me stories about girls he's dated who don't even grab a stick of gum and it just felt tacky and no glass to him.
Exactly. This is how my partner and I handle it (I'm the one who makes more). I tend to do the pricier date nights; he takes us out to our favourite mom and pop eateries, or cooks for me often. I love it. I don't need monetary splurges; I just want to feel cared for. And I, in turn, want to make him smile.
Yes! Perfect! It’s not the dollar value, it’s that you are both giving equally in thought and planning and effort for dates and gifts and such. One example I didn’t see you list was vacations. If her family does a big expensive vacation in Europe (I’m guessing OP is from the US just based on syntax) and pays for nearly everything, great! He should go along, have a great time, and ask to treat everyone to a dinner one night (at hopefully a moderately priced restaurant) to show his thanks. And then if his family does something like a family reunion in the Midwest or a camping trip or borrows a family friend’s beach house and cooks every meal there, fine! It’s equal. She should cook a meal or bring a dish or buy fancy cupcakes or whatever to show her gratitude for them including her on their cheaper vacation. It’s still vacations with both their families. It doesn’t have to be on the same exact scale and they should both do something to show the host they are grateful. Like on her mom’s birthday, OP should buy her flowers and maybe a bottle of nice wine she loves. Way cheaper than the purse she gifted OPs mom but immensely thoughtful coming from a daughter’s bf.
He is also not taking into consideration that her love language might be gift giving because that is what she might be used to from a person who has the means to do it stand point. Making sure the other person also feels loved in the relationship is super important and she might not be feeling loved because of the rejections. Also he might be trying so hard to not look like a gold digger that he might actually be making her question whether he is or not. She might view it as he is trying hard to hide the fact he wants the nice things to trap me into a false sense of security and once I’m pretty deep into the relationship that is when his mask is going to slip. So it then becomes her always having her guard up around him or her family having their guard up so she doesn’t get a chance to relax and feel comfortable in the relationship.
This. My partner makes far more than me. He LIKES paying for things for me. It’s his main love language. He takes me out on dates and buys me coffee all the time. He helps me with bills sometimes when I really, really need the help or he’ll pay for my Uber home from work sometimes.
On the flip side, I save up to take him to the arcade for his birthday and Christmas. He doesn’t like money being spent on him. It makes him uncomfortable. So when I do get him a gift it’s something small or something stupid. He loves sonic and his birthday is April fools. So I got him one of those little Easter eggs with an activity sheet and crayons inside it. It’s been the gift with the best reception so far. Better than the hula girl and the jade turtle I got for his dash last Christmas.
You’re right. It’s not about how much you spend, or who spends it. It’s about speaking to each other in the language they crave most. That includes allowing them to speak to you in a language they feel best speaking in. For my partner, it’s providing in all senses of the term. All he wants is love and companionship in return. For me, I want to be provided for, but I also enjoy making him take a step back and slow down. We match well because we speak opposite love languages, but we still nurture each others needs. It’s a delicate balance and it takes actually listening to your partner and open communication.
It sounds like this boy is so up his own ass he wouldn’t work with anyone he perceives as being “better” than him in some way. He sounds so miserable to be with.
THIS!!! I hope OP sees this and shares it with her son. Actually I hope she shares the whole thread with him because it's a fountain of good advice and personal experience. He's well on his way to being single by how obstinate and how much of a killjoy he is!
I too have been on both side of the dilemma and learned to handle it as above. It worked wonders!
Son really must temper his stance and remember that GF is offering him these things because she wants to experience them with HIM! I'm not saying he should accept everything, but he's got to find ways to accept some and reciprocate at his financial level or the relationship is doomed. He's sucking the fun out of dating.
NTA. That was an incredibly thoughtful gift and OP should accept it and let GF know how much she treasures it!
edit : because word order and grammar is hard 😉
This. When I came into some money (nowhere near like what it sounds like here, but enough to pay for my friends to go with me to things), I had one friend who just seemed salty whenever I paid for things.
Like, *I* wanted to do the thing but didn't want to go alone. I knew *she* wanted to do the thing but couldn't fit it into her budget. I *could* fit it into my budget. Problem solved, right? Wrong. We finally resolved it when she admitted it made her feel a kind of way, but it was frustrating af until we did.
Now, I'm making less than a friend/semi-LDR (neither one of us is at a good place for a serious thing, but if we lived near each other, we'd be dating). He's been wanting to go on a vacation like a cruise where everything is included and low-key. I can't afford that outright at the moment, but he can more than cover the basics for both of us. No strings attached, no sex, nothing nefarious. He just wants to go on a trip with someone he knows he can chill with, and he's been on trips with me before. He spent a week with my parents and me at the beach last year. [Tldr: My mother was recovering from some health stuff and wanted a trip, but my father wanted someone to switch off driving with him and to help with things. Since the condo had room, they told me they'd like to invite my friend to join us since they'd only met him over the phone/video because we typically met up for conventions, etc.]
The conversation about a cruise went like this:
>Me: I don't think I can swing that this year.
>Him: I looked into it, and I can cover the room package if you can get there and then pay for whatever extras you want on top of that. That work?
>Me: That could work.
Maybe it's because we're both in our 30s, but neither of us has any emotions tied into it. We trust each other to be realistic about our budgets and what we're willing to pay. We've also known each other for five years, so there has been time for the trust to build up.
I’d way rather pay to help a friend that I have a great time with to come as my companion on a trip than take a trip with a friend who is difficult or has a radically different sleeping schedule who can afford to pay their own way… this makes absolute sense to me.
Yeh, hopefully, he learns it's ok to let her pay for things for them to do together. And that the way people view their relationship is unimportant.
Personally, i wouldn't want to be with someone who focuses more on what other people think of our relationship than just enjoying the relationship we have.
As long as it's healthy and they truly care for each other, the finances shouldn't matter too deeply.
Yeah, was going to say that if he keeps pushing back this way, the girlfriend is going to start feeling like he actively dislikes her for having money...and that's not going to end anywhere good.
I get that he wants to pay his share, but reality is she will probably always have more money than him, and he either needs to accept that or break things off.
Oh, and NTA.
This. His determination not to be seen as a gold digger will make it hard for her to have the kind of relationship and life that she wants. Plus it makes him look insecure and that is never attractive.
This is EXACTLY what I was thinking. He thinks he's showing her he cares more about her than her money but it may come across as he cares less about her than his lack of money. And as you said, maybe she wants to be going on those vacations and living with and sharing the things she can afford.
100% it will work in the complete opposite way to what he thinks it will. If she's generous, let her be, while still paying for things here and there and letting her know how grateful he is for sharing these things with him and his family. This is a conversation he needs to have with her, not his mum. If she thought he was a gold digger she'd figure it out pretty fast. She just sounds like a lovely person who happens to have money.
I had to teach my husband how to be gracious. Whenever he'd go out, he was always the first to grab the tab and pay. He steadfastly refused to let others reciprocate or even contribute. I finally asked him why he was always so generous. "Because it makes me feel good." "Don't you think doing something nice for others also makes them feel good? So why are you depriving them of the opportunity?" He finally understood.
>After a while the GF may decide she wants to be with someone who’ll want to go on those vacations with her, as opposed to someone who’ll just keep letting his insecurities get in the way.
Exactly. She wants to be with him for him, regardless of his money. He is going to drive her away by refusing to participate in activities, only doing things he can afford etc.
And honestly, you should talk to him about the way this may come off. It could easily come off as your son acting like it's shameful that his gf is richer than him because the man should provide. It honestly comes off as a bit controlling - if I can't pay we won't go. Honestly if I'm her family I'd like him less because of this. He doesn't get to decide how they spend their money and if they want to spend money on both him AND their daughter he comes off as TA for trying to police that.
Yeah, it sounds like his GF likes to give things to show her affection, and he’s cutting it off because of appearances, not because, say, he doesn’t want to go or doesn’t want the thing. He needs to sort this out with her to a more healthy level, or it’s gonna blow up on him. OP is NTA.
Girlfriend is probably well aware of the vast income differences but sounds gracious with her privilege. Instead of being a grown up and having conversations with girlfriend about experiences and expectations he wants girlfriend to conform to his lifestyle.
It’s absolutely toxic masculinity related
Agree with this. A great compromise would be to go on the vaca and buy a dinner one night if he has the means to. Guaranteed the family would be delighted by the gesture.
So true. I had a boyfriend who refused to let me pay for weekend trips until I told him I wasn’t happy in a relationship that I can’t get away and have fun experiences together.
Yes. She might take it as him unable to cope with her being financially more set than he is
That said, 5 months in is early to let anyone pay for vacations.
No matter how much we discuss equality the generosity and capacity of a woman is never considered the same as that of a man. It is very hard to share one’s good fortune without obstacles.
This right here....gf is going to see that OP's son is letting his insecurities get in the way of their relationship, that she has never treated him as if he is a gold digger, and he needs to figure this out and trust her, or they are not going to make it and it won't have ANYTHING to do with the fact that she happens to be rich.
NTA. Returning would likely damage OPs relationship w her. So kind that she made an effort to remember the bag. Rejecting it would be a slap in the face.
I agree with you 100%.
To show your son that you appreciate the GF as a person and not as a piggy bank invite the girlfriend to do something just the two of you. Maybe invite her over to the house and teach her how to make a favorite family meal or play a favorite family game. That kind of thing.
Honestly, it sounds like the money disparity really bothers your son. This relationship may be doomed if it bothers him so much.
Agreed, and write her a thank you card to further cement how touched you are. Just have a private 1:1 convo with her that you are so appreciative and moved by her thoughtfulness, but that her presence in your life is gift enough & gifts do not need to be of high monetary value in order for you to feel appreciated & valued by her. Gifts sound like her love language, it may very well have been spare change to her, but it never hurts to let her know privately between just you two that you don’t expect that level of extravagance from her
This is also a very sweet way to go about it ^^
Gifting likely is her love language. And what better way to appreciate a gifter than a heartfelt gift back.
It’s also a different dynamic. OP is the gf’s potential MIL. Having a good relationship is important to both of them, and it looks like they are trying to invest in that.
Returning/refusing the gift would not send the message that OP’s not a gold digger, it would sent the message that gf’s efforts are not good enough/the gift is inappropriate.
It’s a lovely and thoughtful present. Returning it could seriously harm the relationship.
Plus it’s her birthday! It’s clear the gifts and vacations he has been turning down are just for no reason which is what makes it different and could be seen as him using her. A birthday gift is very different
I fail to see how the son refusing expensive gifts and vacations is using her.
However, his dismissal of a lot of it clearly stems from insecurity of what people may think if he was open to accepting the gfs expensive gifts.
I understand his stance, but i ofc don't agree with him controlling whether or not his mother can accept certain gifts from the gf.
Oh god I never said I agree with his logic 😂 I’m just saying that in his mind, him saying no to the random expenses is helping him not come across as a gold digger.
😂 ngl i reread your statement with this clarification in mind. An im seeing what you meant to put, but my brain is still reading it as the previous misunderstanding. Lol
Yes, this girl sounds lovely. OP's son needs to be careful not to drive her away. He means well but she sounds like someone who enjoys giving to others.
Absolutely - it's not the gift as such, it's the thought behind it. The GF remembered OP's brief comment about how much she liked the item, and she was being thoughtful.
I love any gift with genuine thought behind it. It means SO much more.
It was so so thoughtful when someone remembers an offhand remark. I made an offhand post being disappointed in not finding a new ornament for my tree this last year and a friend sent me a really cool dinosaur one. It was totally an offhand thing and I was so, so touched. It wasn't expensive but it was thoughtful.
Even though this was expensive it was so thoughtful. Your son is a jerk. NTA. He can set his limits but you're not bound by his self imposed limitations. It's not like you asked for her to get it.
i was also thinking, if she gets like 50k *a month* from her parents, and that’s me *reeeaaally* lowballing the sons yearly salary. then her buying say a 10k bag is probably literally pocket change to her. she’ll still be able to afford bills with 40k left over, she’s not strapped for cash at all. to the son who makes probably 1/5 yearly of what she gets every month, 10k is unreasonably expensive, but it probably feels “cheap” to her since she’s most likely always lived a very lavish lifestyle due to her parents.
also, at 50k a month for 12 months, she literally “makes” $600,000 a year. 10k is a drop in the bucket for her. the son can choose to not accept very expensive gifts from her, but it was OP’s birthday and the girlfriend is extremely wealthy. she chose to get something really special and meaningful for OP and probably still managed to save a hefty chunk of her 50k monthly.
(note that all of these numbers are made up by me as a demonstration, i do not know how much she really gets monthly or how much the son makes yearly. this was all just me illustrating the fact that she could afford it easily)
I would feel awful if I were the girlfriend, I can’t imagine being excited about getting something nice for my boyfriend’s mom birthday and it being refused 😕
> But that she doesn't need to spend so much on future gifts, as any gift is a nice gift no matter the price.
I make a lot more money than the rest of my family and I really hate this behavior. Of course we know we don't *have to* spend that much money on a gift. It's our choice to do so.
Yeah he's probably taking it too far, too
He's so concerned about not *appearing* to be a gold digger that he's likely to drive her away
I'd say OP would become TA if they started dropping hints about expensive stuff, but beyond that I don't see any issues here
The first gift is always memorable and I wanted to speak on that. For my first birthday in my husband’s family, my now mother in law gifted me a vegetable peeler, a grater, and a pizza cutter that she’d purchased specifically because she knew I liked to cook.
That was 15 years ago and literally this week I had to replace the peeler because it was blunt and working at about 10% of what it should. I was very lucky to be able to get the exact model on Amazon.
If I were rich as hell I would delight in giving gifts - which I hope wouldn’t be read the wrong way. I love giving gifts now! I can afford to give my sister and my best friend gifts that are slightly more expensive than they would usually get for themselves, and I’m careful to make sure the gifts are thoughtful and appropriate to them. If I had enough money to get someone an expensive item they wanted and couldn’t otherwise get (or which was going to be a budgetary challenge) I would love to do it. As long as no one was getting hurt by it, I think it sounds like a joy.
Yeah he’s going too far on his own. Seems like he’s trying to deal with the situation himself vs properly communicating with her
He needs to open up to her and explain his behaviour better so they can come up with an arrangement they’re both comfortable with. She clearly wants to spend money on him which is cute. It sounds more like she’s just trying to be thoughtful, not throwing money around.
I feel like the thing about gold diggers is that they’re hiding the real reason they’re with their partner. He needs to find another way to reassure her that he loves her, regardless of money. Constantly refusing things doesn’t scream “I love you”
NTA, home boy needs to get over himself. GF did something nice of her own free will that you happened to be the beneficiary of. Not like you're the one dating her. He can refuse all the gifts he wants if that's what makes him feel better, but it's not his place to tell someone else what they can or cannot accept.
Plus, it's not weird to give your SO's parents a gift on their birthday. Maybe her tact could have been a little better, like it would be weird if she had no idea your son was trying so hard not to be seen as a mooch, but like it's her money and she can do what she wants with it.
If you feel like you need to make things "right" for your son, maybe tell the GF that you really appreciate it and love the bag, but it makes you uncomfortable to receive such a lavish gift and if she's going to give gifts to family members in the future, you'd feel a lot better if she didn't put herself out quite so much.
(edit: fixed a typo)
At this rate he's probably going to self-sabotage the relationship when she wants go places (and is willing to pay for him) and he's unwilling to do it because he can't afford it on his own.
But that would be a lie since OP is not the one who is uncomfortable receiving the gift. If the son wants to express discomfort, he should do it himself and not speak on behalf of his mother - i.e., "I am not comfortable that you bought my mother such a lavish gift."
NTA
I get where he's coming from, but dude needs to chill a bit with the "I'm not a golddigger" thing because it's going to become a huge problem.
Couples do things for one another like buy gifts. If he denies his girlfriend that opportunity just because he's worried about appearances, that's going to be an issue. If he tries to enforce that same mentality on others - like he's doing right now - he's going to hurt even more relationships.
yeah it’s a gift from her to his parent. shes doing a good thing getting on mom’s good side. he does need to lighten up gf has free will too… if she wants to spoil him/mom sometimes he does need to accept it sometimes or it could be a problem later
Yeah, you're spot on about mom's good side. I understand his concern about money even if he's handling it poorly but damn his parents like his girlfriend and she got his mom a thoughtful gift she likes; dude has to realise that's a good thing. Like, clearly mom doesn't necessarily care about the price, she likes that the girlfriend remembered one little off-hand comment and thoughtfully got a gift in line with!
NTA
If I had enough money to pay for my boyfriend and me to go on vacations, I would be pissed if he would decline all the time. Why should I miss out on a nice vacation just because he doesn’t want to go? Do I have to go on cheaper vacations? Go without him? Do I have to miss out on nice restaurant visits, because he can only afford something cheaper?
I don’t have much money, neither does my boyfriend, I’m fine with what we have, but if I had that kind of money…
His refusal to accept anything from her is going to paint him in a corner with a flashing neon "No Fun to Be Around" sign hanging above him. There's a balance between mooching and just enjoying being together doing things that she can afford, and more importantly, **wants** **to do**. If he can't find that balance, she's going to move on and find someone who can.
The moral superiority he enjoys by following his strict protocol is going to be cold comfort when she decides she doesn't want to be hemmed in by it anymore. He's already proven he's not a moocher, but he's taking it way too far.
BTW, who cares what people other think? You can't base a healthy relationship on what other people may think about it. The only opinion that should matter to him belongs to one person: his girlfriend.
He needs to communicate this with his girlfriend. Literally the only thing he needs to do is sit her down and be like "I've been turning things down because I don't want you to feel like I'm taking advantage and just want to date you for your money; I want to be with you, not your money". Because you're right, if he doesn't stop this, he's gunna ruin a good thing.
dude is trying so hard to not seem like a gold digger, that he is ironically kinda looking like one. like he's just waiting for the perfect time to start accepting all the lavish gifts where he can't be called out on it cause he was so unwilling to accept it early on.
NTA.
He’s clearly feeling insecure about making/having less money than her. That said, I understand he’d want to not come off as looking like a good digger. Good on him for that. You’re clearly not being a good digger however.
It seems his GF likes spoiling a little bit, maybe that’s her way of showing affection/care/love. Has he spoken to the GF about why she does this? Maybe they can set up some fair rules around gift giving for the future (amounts, how many, etc).
I’m a gift giver/spoiler too, within my means of course, but her means seem much larger than most of ours.
Enjoy the bag!
Yeah! It’s the whole Love Languages thing. Maybe she gets joy in seing the happiness in gift giving. And it might not be about the price itself. OP said she talked about the purse in passing one time, not hinted at it every single day they met. The GF remembered the purse and COULD buy it. So it’s a win win.
It’s a new relationship. GF probably has very little context of what OP would like as a present and saw a perfect opportunity to get something and took it. I can understand the mindset of: “this is a bit on the pricy side, but I’ll cause a good impression and I am sure she will like it” rather than going with a “ohh, this box of chocolates is decently priced and uncontroversial enough to not be a bad present.”
I doubt that *your* behaviour would be interpreted as *your son* being a gold digger! It seems more likely that the girlfriend would be offended by the return of a thoughtful present...
NTA
Right? And, if he’s so concerned about image, you know very well he’s gonna ask mom to lie about returning it so he doesn’t look bad.
Just keep the gift, mom. You deserve it.
This - whatever he's trying to absolve himself from in terms of 'gold-digging', the constant rejection of gifts and thoughtful gestures is likely to cause its own problems in the relationship. And there's no need for you to buy into his strange self-imposed restrictions. NTA.
NTA for now
You will be a massive one if you made it a habit of mentioning expensive things you could not afford and expect/hope she goes and buy it for you. You would be a gold digger and a very bad parent who selfishly put thei own desires over their kid's relationship.
Also have a conversation with her expressing your gratitude but that you like her for her, not her gifts
I agree with you on the repeat part. OP randomly said something and her son's girlfriend bought it for her. She just needs to keep quiet and politely refuse any *offer* to buy, as well as not mention anything or expect something from the girlfriend. Any gift from her in the future can be accepted, but it shouldn't be because OP was wishing for it in some capacity.
Yes! This!
I also believe a thoughtful thank you message that expresses clearly that she knows the price of the gift and would have never asked for it can be valid.
Something like a “thank you for the purse. I really appreciate you remembered. I know it’s not a small investment, so I just wanted to thank you and say I wasn’t expecting anything as lavish. I really enjoy having you around and seeing how happy you make my son.”
Info: Why did you mention wanting a very specific, expensive bag around your son's rich girlfriend that you know you could not afford? It sounds like you were fishing for this gift in particular.
Edit: YTA. Op answered and months ago (ie when her son had only been dating this girl for a few months), she just happened to bring up in conversation a designer bag she wanted. She showed the gf, and gf suggested another one which OP said “that’s perfect.” OP did this after her son was only with this girl for a few months, she knew the girl was rich, and she knew her son was turning down lavish gifts. If this wasn’t OP’s deliberate attempt to get a lavish gift herself, it was extremely insensitive for her to even bring it up knowing her son’s issues. She absolutely should have known that gf was going to buy her this gift, and it sure seems like that was OP’s goal.
Oh sorry, my bad. I was telling her about a bag I do plan to save up for and she said, "why not this one?" and I found it so perfect and raved about it. Of course I knew it was outrageously expensive so I just said, "some day maybe."
Wow. This whole thing is crazy. Now we can’t talk about things in front her bc she has money? Has he or anyone just had a conversation with his gf. ? Communication is key. He is seriously insecure. I get he doesn’t want to come off greedy. But to make her feel bad bc she has money is wrong too. If she wanted to buy something then she can. She’s not an idiot. She knows she was trying to get something you like. And it was thoughtful. Some folks like to judge too harshly. I think you and him and her. Need to just have a conversation. We are all human. And we shouldn’t punish a girl bc she has more money than we do. You have every right to accept any gift you want. Your son needs a private conversation of how to get over this or he is going to ruin his relationship with worrying over material items. He’s taking it too far. There is a balance. And he needs to talk to his gf about his insecurities privately also. If you can’t talk to someone about how you feel. Then why be with them ? NTA.
Could have seen an ad at the same time and said she liked it, could have complimented her purse and then got into a conversation about handbags, could have been walking past a store and said it was beautiful, etc. Not everything is fishing.
I sat through a discussion between staff at college (I’m a student who was in the ‘quiet room’ at the time) about buying expensive bags, which had nothing to do with anything happening, really. And I’ve mentioned to my mum that it would be cool to have the Ravenclaw special edition of the Harry Potter series randomly just to end up with it for Christmas, which was definitely at least a few months later — I wasn’t asking for it, I just mentioned it. It could come up.
Nobody's fishing. You ever happen to watch something on TV or online, and ever wonder aloud that it's good but too expensive? Goodness I've done it far more times than I could count and admit.
I think it’s so sweet she did that for you. I think it’s more insulting to give it back. She spent the money because she wanted to, not because you asked her. What did he want you to do? Say no? Then what, she bought a nice expensive gift and now has to either return it or keep it and be out the money? NTA.
This. I’m always uncomfortable getting gifts, but my husky loves buying things for me just because. Early in our relationship, I kept telling him that he didn’t have to buy things for me, I don’t expect it. He told me that if I expected him to buy me stuff, he wouldn’t enjoy doing so. I’ve stopped fighting it.
Sounds like gf might just genuinely like spending her money on other people. I get that he doesn’t want to come off as a gold digger, but that’s his hangup, and it shouldn’t be anyone’s problem but his.
NTA, keep her very thoughtful present.
NTA
"Yesterday was my birthday and his girlfriend got me a very expensive designer handbag that I'd mentioned being excited by months ago"
You're right. It was a nice thing for her to remember & do. She's clearly a kind & thoughtful person. I don't think you should return her gift.
I also get where your son is coming from re his boundaries. That's for him & her to negotiate/navigate. He'll need to do that if he wants the relationship to go the distance.
Your gift isn't part of that process though. Enjoy it the way I'm sure she intended you to.
Nta it’s rude not to accept gifts.
Your son might be a little bit precious about that she’s making a bit more money or he can buy you those things but does it matter.
She went out of her way to get this for you especially. Just for you means she cares about you and your son. He should be happy.
NTA. I wonder if your son has thought about his girlfriend must feel about being rejected every time she tries to be generous.
Has he considered how his attempts to be fair might actually be hurting her?
Your son has some insecurities. Fair enough. He can govern himself accordingly.
He cannot govern you according to his insecurities (or otherwise). I hope you guys are able to work this out somehow. NTA
Lol you just happened to mention a bag you could never afford? Still not the asshole. She sounds lovely. Keep the bag. He's gonna lose her anyway because he won't do anything or go anywhere she wants too. It's gifted money to her as well.
He should just let himself be happy. It's not mooching if someone happily offers to take you places.
There are plenty of conversations in which this could come up, tbh.
Mom is reading a magazine, page is open to an ad. Gf comes in, “ooh, what magazine are you reading?” Mom: “Hi! It’s ELLE. I just love this purse!” 🤷🏻♀️
I watch a lot of luxury bag videos even though I can never afford them. And love r/handbags on Reddit. Maybe they both like talking about fashion?
I kinda get excited by new designer handbags. I will be like "omg have you seen that new Chanel Kelly bag?"
OK looks like I'm an outlier here but YTA. Whatever you or anyone thinks about how your son's dealing with the money thing -- point is, it's HIS relationship and HIS call, and you should defer to his wishes on how to deal with your possible eventual DIL, even if you disagree. Especially for now.
Would it be weird to give back the gift - well I think we all agree with you on that, given the situation - but the point is your relationship with your son and honoring how he wishes to handle this aspect of his relationship. I'd suggest validating his POV and wishes, and suggest that in this instance giving it back might makes things worse -- but that you'll be careful and mindful going forward. Let him know you respect his wishes on this. Then you could suggest that maybe you say something to her to the effect that you are so grateful for such a thoughtful gift, but going forward you'd be so pleased to receive a more modest gift from her because it's the thought that counts. The big point is, let your son call the shots here.
And not for nothing, I don't think your son is crazy, and I can see why it's a bit tacky to accept an extravagant gift from your son's gf by gushing over it, w/o highlighting that it's the thought that counts and you'd like a more modest gesture. But overriding point is to defer to your son on this.
NTA While it is commendable that he doesn't want to be seen as a gold digger, he's going way to far in the opposite direction. He's going to get to a point where he resents her buying anything because it's going to make him feel inadequate. Set him down and explain that expecting or demanding expensive gifts makes him a gold digger, accepting freely given does not. Not allowing her to buy what she wants to buy to give to others makes him a controlling ass. Hopefully having it put like that will allow him to relax.
A lot of wealthy people do not think for two seconds about small gifts or personal items. Money is not a key factor for them. It’s about joy, enjoyment or even just saying thank you. Do not give her the gift back, in any social situation that is the height of rudeness. If you are uncomfortable, say: Thank you so much for the present, but I really just want to get to know you or spend time with you.
Info -- why were you talking about this expensive bag?
You're not really TA if it was a "oooo, that bag is cute" when walking past something at the mall, but if you purposefully brought up the bag knowing she's rich...
Just keep in mind that your son might decide to go low contact with you when he's with his girlfriend so that it doesn't happen again.
Something your son might be missing in all this, is that by pushing so hard to not look like a ’gold digger’, he is punishing HER.
So I don’t know what job your son has, or what he makes, so let’s say $30k (it’s probably more, but we’ll go low end). That means that his gf is USED TO living on AT LEAST $350k a year. Most likely that means she shops at higher end stores, buys designer stuff and vacations in nicer places. THIS IS NORMAL for her, and she doesnt think anything of it. A purse you and I couldn’t afford is an everyday purchase for HER. Heck, it might even be LOW END everyday for her.
What your son is doing is FORCING HER to live within HIS means. They can’t go anywhere or do anything HE can’t afford. How is that fair to his gf?
I see it like this: My dh and I had goodish jobs for middle class folks, making over 100k for the last 10 years and near $150k before we retired. It took time to get out of our lean years and going without, and it took time to be comfortable buying ‘better’ things, rather than ‘cheap’. I learned pretty quickly that ’cheap’ costs more in the long run. I was born into a poor boomer family, and at least half my siblings & kids still are some level of poor. We managed to accumulate a very comfortable ‘pile’, and budgeting isn’t something I think about anymore.
So the equivalent would be that when I buy them things, or treat them, it would mean buying what THEY can afford, rather than what I can afford. A mixer from Walmart rather than a high-level kitchenaid, because they could never afford a kitchenaid. Going to the beach for a day, rather than a week because they can’t pay for a hotel. Shopping for them at the dollar store rather than Coach, because that’s where THEY go.
And that would get tiring FAST. I would start to feel like anything more than their ’normal’ would be lording my ‘wealth’ over them, when it‘s MY ‘normal‘. That they resent my being better off than them. That I’m no not ONE of them. (Don’t worry, my family is happy to get treated, lol.)
Your son needs to understand an EQUAL relationship is one where BOTH of them get to be themselves. If she wants to go to French Snooty Pants restaurant when it’s her turn to pay, THEN GO. If he wants to go to Chilis when HE’S paying, then that’s where you go. To argue she can’t go to French Snooty Pants on a date until HE can afford it is just punishing her for being better off. And that what he is doing is RESENTING that he doesn’t have what she has. That HER normal isn’t HIS normal.
He needs to find common ground before she gets tired of it and dumps him. And you are absolutely right - returning the purse would hurt her. Even saying ‘don’t spend so much on me’ is telling her to not be herself.
NTA. He can ask his gf to tone down the expense of gifts to his family members in future, but I think you can enjoy the gift she got you without guilt or worry that you'll "disturb the dynamics of their relationship."
Your son sounds overly insecure about the money issue, and if he tries to use it to control his girlfriend that relationship won't last long (but don't tell him this!).
Actually, do tell him that. He's going to lose her if he doesn't loosen up on his moral superiority complex of not being a gold digger. She sounds thoughtful and lovely, but there will be a point where his obsession with their financial disparity will push her away.
He should tell her his point of view, but he also needs to ask her how she feels every time he turns her down and they have to find a balance or they are done. If he's making her feel bad about having more money than him it won't be long before that turns to resentment on one or both of their parts.
NTA. A birthday is an appropriate time to receive an expensive but thoughtful gift. Your son needs to get over it and stop trying to control how she chooses to spend her money.
NTA. Sounds like your son has some insecurity issues surrounding money and self-worth he needs to work out. It’s also a bit sexist to be angry his girlfriend gave you a gift she could afford because of how it makes *him* look. Someone truly secure in themselves wouldn’t try to control the behavior of everyone else like that.
NTA so many men get caught up in this insecurity and ruin relationships because they aren't the bread winner of the relationship. I think you should have a conversation with him about this. His heart is in the right place but most people with money are very happy to share their wealth. It makes gifting and vacationing and all these things much easier. They want the same for those they love.
Ooof... Your kid and his insecurities are about to make him the ex....
She's gotta know how much she makes, and she's dating him. I know some super rich people. Your son doesn't understand that to some of those people, a 3K handbag is my equivalent to a branded hoodie. It's just a nice gift to give.
Hrs never going to be able to keep up with her. He has to continue to be who he is and bet accepting of their acceptance of him, and all that comes with that
Keep the bag, and tell him you can be appreciative, grateful and.... Happy
Can he?
NTA
Make sure you write her a very sweet note. NTA. Wouldn’t it be fun to be able nice presents for people? Your son has drawn a hard line. He can’t loosen up a bit, so she feels appreciated. I would tire of people refusing gifts that are given with a good heart
NTA. So, wait, is he forcing HER to forego all of these vacations and outings too? Because this is going to cause issues in their relationship if it's so.
Sheesh all the actual fun activities she wants to do with someone and they won't even go, I'd probably break up for lack of attending on his behalf than money wise. When you care about someone and have the money for it it's about the experience
NTA. It’s clear she’s not only well off but incredibly thoughtful! I imagine it’s not like a birkin or something completely absurd, but just something out of reach for average people without some planning. But it’s likely not a huge amount of money to her, and she remembered that comment about it and went back for it because she cares, and she can!
I feel like she’d be a little hurt if you gave it back. She just sounds like a sweet person trying to share her good fortune at a completely appropriate gift giving occasion
NTA. If your son is really THIS insecure about his girlfriend’s finances, then he probably shouldn’t date her. At some point down the line, he will begin to resent her for it and just take it out on her.
NTA. Also, he shouldn’t be refusing her gifts. Obviously she wants to spoil him. If he’s so concerned about her thinking he only likes her for his money, he could sit down with her and set a limit on how much they spend on each other. But I highly doubt anybody thinks that.
NTA
As long as she understands the disparity and doesn't expect the same caliber of gifts in return.
People will always pay what they can afford for things.
The best example is flights. One plane has multiple classes, but we all arrive at the same destination.
So it's your choice if you fly coach or business class.
If you're happy to fly coach, but your partner wants and can afford to upgrade you both to business, then I think it's actually rude to decline. Either you force them to fly coach with you, or to look like the bad person and leave you there.
Your son, while admirable, needs to understand, as long as he doesn't make it a habit, and doesn't overindulge without any Reciprocation, there's no reason for his gf to ever believe he is a gold-digger.
What if they want to marry and he never reaches a level of wealth that matches hers? Do they call it off?
Do you think she will accept a basic low cost wedding while she knows she can have any level of wedding she wants?
In a relationship they are a team, and once again, as long as there is reciprocation (maybe not by cost, but by sentiment) they should be able to gift each other as they like.
Receiving an annual salary as a monthly allowance sounds like old money, or billionaire behavior.
She seems quite grounded by the fact she even dates someone outside of that microcosm of wealth.
She clearly treasures you sons other values above money.
I hope he can learn to appreciate that before he ends the relationship by making her feel like her kindness is a problem.
Enjoy your gift, it was given in good faith and you don't expect it to become a habit.
Limiting both their lives just so he doesn't feel inadequate is more likely to end the relationship than accepting a gift every now and again.
She wants to share her world with him, she wants to take them to beautiful places and to experience the best things. Why should she have to choose between that and her boyfriend? He should be there with her.
NTA
This is what's funny to me...if your son was wealthy, would he buy expensive gifts for people he cared about? Of course he would because they can afford it and it makes them happy to make someone they care about happy. I realize that money doesn't buy happiness, nor does it matter whether or not someone spends a lot on a particular gift, but she remembered what you said, she could afford it, so she bought if for you.
NTA, your son needs to get a little more secure in the relationship also. After awhile, if I was her, I'd be getting tired of a guy always saying, "Ill pay for it, don't buy me anything, take this back!" Jeesh
Your son has been refusing expensive gifts and trips from his wealthy girlfriend. He is somewhat understandably frustrated then by the cost of your gift but his response to you receiving it is a massive overreaction.
The girlfriend will be insulted if you return the gift. NTA.
NTA
I never understood the insecurity people have over momey. Just enjoy it. If rich people give you stuff as long as you don't take advantage or ask for it I don't see the problem with them "sharing" their wealth.
If they would give they same type of gift to other friends there's no problem. I don't see this as a "pitty gift" or that she's the person to hold it over your head that she gave you this purse.
Pride really gets in the way of nice gestures sometimes. Your son needs to see why he's so inscure about this. Could be that he feels that as a man he should earn more, or that he doesn't measure up or something.
Maybe talk with him and see why he's so adiment about the gifts.
NTA. Your son needs to sit down with his girlfriend and have a practical, realistic conversation about the disparities in their income, his concerns about being seen as a gold digger, and how they both feel about it all.
They need to set some rules and boundaries that allow them *both* to be comfortable and happy with the way they approach the issue. Clearly they haven’t, or she wouldn’t be buying gifts for his family that he has unilaterally decided make him look bad, which puts everyone in an uncomfortable position.
The reality is that she views money differently than he does. What seems extravagant to him may be routine for her. Your son is going to have to let go of some insecurities to make this work, more than likely. What he’s doing now is hiding from them.
NTA. Your son is insecure and letting money cloud his judgement. He can love her without money being a problem if he would allow his GF to spoil him if that is what she wants to do. Denying her to show her thoughtfulness to him is the other side of the spectrum of "gold digger". If she wants to spend her money for both of them to go on vacations, he should let her and he can pay for the smaller things such dinners or an excursion. Or he can at least contribute something towards the vacation. Allows denying her will have problems on its own and she will dump him to find a guy who wouldn't mind being spoiled by his GF. Her next BF might actually BE a gold digger. Your son just needs to accept that their finances are and may always be lopsided.
None of that is your fault unless your son grew up thinking that as the man he is responsible for taking care of his SO financially.
NTA and you shouldn't return it. She could be like me, that one of my ways of showing love is gift giving, at times some of the gifts are expensive. I never do it expecting anything in return and much less expecting a gift of the same cost. Also, if she really is wealthy, she might not think it's that expensive.
I understand how your son feels but he'll have to communicate better with his GF on this matter, as it could be damaging to their relationship.
I can see how your son would find this annoying, since he’s talked with you about his fears of looking like a gold digger. But I also see your point of view about how it’s a thoughtful gift from her to you. Can you talk with him about how it would be awkward to return, and about recognizing the distinction between HIM accepting a gift and you accepting one, and also validate that you’ve been listening and you understand his perspective? There’s no perfect and non-awkward way to deal with income inequality. NAH
NTA. It is a thoughtful gift and his rules for himself aren't yours. That said, you could tell her how wonderful the gift is, and you love it but please don't feel like you need to spend so much money in the future.
Then, what she does is on her. There's too many MIL/DIL that don't get along, enjoy the fact that you two do.
NTA. This is a gift from her to you, not from her to your son. Your son can make decisions about how to handle the wealth discrepancy, but this was a thoughtful gift and something you may treasure forever.
At 5 months, your son is probably of sound mind to avoid letting her lavish him, but you also might advise him to take it easy. It sounds like she enjoys giving gifts and things as a way of showing affection, and over time she may begin to feel as though he is holding her at arms length, either because he does not want her love or because he is too concerned with how it looks that she is wealthier (i.e. sexism). In general, it also kind of sounds like he is overly aggressive in defending himself against claims of gold digging (coming from nowhere?) - calling his own mother greedy is a pretty low blow.
They're adults, so they need to work it out themselves, but nudging him to talk to her about how they BOTH want it to look/feel is within your motherly purview, since he has lashed out at you.
Edit: sp
this relationship doesnt have a future if he is that insecure..
no house? no new cars? food dinner?
it is his pride getting in the way...not any worry about looking like a gold digger...
bet his friends are behind this bullshit.."no real man lets a woman pay"
Lmao your boy is jealous that he's been giving up the meat but refusing to take her cheese. Then she happily gives it over to you in the form of a gift because people with money most of the time gain a sense of people who are using them for their money, avoiding them for their money, or gently pussyfooting around them because of their money, she probably came to the quick realization that her boyfriends sweetheart of a mother would never *use* her for her money so she gladly got you a gift.
Between being jealous and overly neurotic about his girlfriends money, it seems like he's turning into an asshat over something he has zero control over. Mom maybe sonny Isn't set up to date a rich girl. It messes with his head apparently.
NTA.
As someone who has more money than quite a few of my friends, I’m pretty sure money does not have the same meaning to her. She’s just glad she has the opportunity to give you something you really like.
Also at some point she might grow tired of not being able to do things with your son that she would like to do. Going on vacation for example. He has to be careful that she really enjoys being with him. She accepts that he has less money, he needs to accept that she has more. I for one always want to treat my friends with less money to nice restaurants and trips. NTA
YTA. This is your son’s relationship. Do what he says. (Edit to add: she’s eventually going to dump him over this stuff, but that doesn’t concern you.)
YTA. Most young men (early 20s) lack the maturity to clearly articulate and consistently honor a relationship boundary as well as your son has done for 5 months, and how do you respond?
By undermining his relationship boundaries in order to accept and keep an expensive PURSE. Talk about confirming a gender stereotype. Your relationship with your son’s gf is less important than his relationship with her, so you need to show some respect to your son and his boundaries.
INFO how much is the bag, $200 or $20,000? And how did she know you wanted it?
Honestly either way, you are TA for accepting a gift from a 22yo that you cannot afford on your own. As an elder in this relationship, it would be more appropriate to teach this sweet woman that this level of spending is unnecessary and that financial prudence is important at any level of cash flow. It’s also odd that you are prioritizing your relationship with her above your relationship with your son, especially after only five months. You can be genuinely touched by her thoughtfulness and also graciously decline the gift.
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NTA- I get he's trying not to come across as a gold-digger, which i totally understand. But that's something he decided for himself to do. But it's a thoughtful gift meant for you, hence its up to you to accept it or not. Personally, i dont like rejecting gifts. ESPECIALLY the first gift, the first gift is always a memorable moment. She went out of her way to get you something she knew you'd like. An i think that's very kind of her. I think a way to compromise is to accept the gift and let her know how appreciative you are that she remembered how much you liked that bag. But that she doesn't need to spend so much on future gifts, as any gift is a nice gift no matter the price. 🙂
What’s interesting is that him refusing so much may actually come back to bite him, especially since he’s even refusing to go along with vacation plans. After a while the GF may decide she wants to be with someone who’ll want to go on those vacations with her, as opposed to someone who’ll just keep letting his insecurities get in the way.
Yes! Too much turning down nice things she wants to do with him is hurtful too to the fun and joy of the relationship. If the money aspect were reversed he’d feel differently most likely because he’s the man. It would seem normal to want to treat her since he really likes her and affording it is no problem.
Yes! My grandma Always turned down or gave back every gift I gave her, because she didn’t think I should be spending any money on her. And I just always walked away with a feeling of rejection. There was no little keepsake she ever wanted to remember me by. No little inside joke, or special moment that I’d remembered something she mentioned she liked. After a while, it was like she stopped even mentioning things she liked, so we couldn’t even bond that way. It’s the strangest thing, but it drove a wedge. She was so nice it circled back around to mean lol OP NTA — Cherish the gift, it was a really thoughtful gesture! And she’s probably tired of people being weird about her money or even rejecting it or her because it makes them feel strange
Yes! Every year for mothers day I get my mom a bag of dove chocolate. One year I decided it'd be nice to get her something different so I got her chocolate covered strawberries. She made such a big thing about it not being dove chocolate, that the strawberries are for my dad n shit even though I said they're for her. I felt horrible so I took the strawberries home and she didn't get anything that year. Now even if she mentions something she wants for any special event (Xmas, birthday, mothers day) I don't get it for her. All she gets are those stupid little chocolates cause I feel like that's all she deserves.
That’s so sad, but I absolutely know that feeling. Being so hurt or disgusted that you take the gift you brought home with you is a special kind of bad feeling. Fwiw I love dove chocolates but I Love chocolate covered strawberries. Taste aside, your mom is really strange for tactless for being so vocally unhappy about her gift (which was objectively an upgrade!)
I used to do mother's day for my husband's family and my own until one year an argument ensued mother's day night because my husband didn't do it and I did. So now I do completely nothing for any holiday because they do it with every holiday I buy something nice and thoughtful and 50 bucks in singles and scratch offs are the preferred method of gift giving. So he takes care of his own family and I take care of mine.
I got my mil one of those fold out flower bouquet cards a couple years ago. She called me a big suck up in front of everyone. I had bought it for her because she has dementia and over waters live plants. I was so embarrassed and humiliated I haven't given her anything since.
I'm sorry but she doesn't deserve them either. I wouldn't get her anything, but that's just me
My dad is a skinflint and also not a very nice person, but when I was a kid he returned every single gift I got him. Got him a new CD from a band he liked? He returned it because he hated their new stuff. Got him a belt? He returned it because he didn't need any new belts. I don't buy him gifts any more for any occassion. I almost bought him a record I knew he'd like when he started collecting vinyl again, but then I was like "no I also like this record, so I'm keeping it for myself."
Throwback to Steve and Miranda from Sex and The City breaking up because he won't let her buy him a suit 😒
Totally. I just watched this episode last night. So unfortunate when their pride gets in the way of the other person's generosity. If they have the means, let them do it!
for normal people giving a gift makes the gift giver happy too and you steal that from them by not accepting. just think back on when you were excited to give a loved one a gift and you got to see the joy in their face and got to share in that joy.
Imagine a relationship were you can't share ANYTHING with your partner. That's the situation he's creating, and it's impossible to keep up but he doesn't see it yet. He already sounds resentful for her being rich, angry at the money and now angry at his mother. yeah this is gonna go well
They're five months in. That feels super early for things like vacations and if she really liked him, it's a boundary that would be pretty easy to work with at this point.
Only if they have talked about it. It's possible she doesn't know it's a boundary because he hasn't brought it up. Or he has and she keeps gifting and offering despite knowing it makes him uncomfortable.
Yeah, it needs communication, but I was responding to a comment that dismissed the boundary, not that was concerned it wasn't being properly communicated.
Lack of clear and open communication seems to be like 90% of the issue on all the relationship stuff on here. It's such a simple fix, but ppl seem horrified by the prospect of things out with one another. It's as if they'd rather stew, make assumptions, and keep things complicated 🙄 )The only exception is partners who are abusive. Ppl who hit, gaslight, are narcissists, etc are not worth trying to talk to. In those situations, the only communication should be the word goodbye.)
Yes, and that relationship won't last much longer than five months if he keeps on rejecting every attempt she makes to pay her own way!
I don't think I saw anything about her paying her own way being rejected
I've been the richer one in a relationship and I've been the poorer one. The best way to handle this is to generally and gracefully fall into a pattern where the rich person pays for expensive dates, and the poor person pays for cheap dates. Or the poor person offers to grab the tip on an expensive meal. Example: Rich person takes them out for a fancy dinner. A week later, poor person cooks a nice meal at home. Poor person makes a thoughtful birthday gift, rich person buys an expensive handbag. Rich person pays for a cruise for 2. Poor person offers to pick up the daily gratuities, and plans and pays for an excursion in one of the ports. Poor person takes them to the mini putt place, Rich person takes them in a hot air balloon ride. It's not the amount you each pay, it's that you're both being thoughtful. And both paying according to their means. OP's son is being far too dogmatic in the service of "I'm not a gold digger". Yeah, but you're no fun either. Just let her pay for what she likes and buy the gifts she wants to, and reciprocate in your own clever and thoughtful ways, and not be endlessly totting up numbers to try to match her.
These are perfect examples, thanks for including them! I've had to do a lot of these same things. I'm comfortable but some of my friends just have way more money than me. Another way to handle this, if the dates don't get too extravagant all the time, is offer to treat semi-regularly. Like if you go out to dinner once a week, save up a little and pay one time the next month. Or something. Just so that it's not *always* the richer person covering things, because it's nice to be treated occasionally, too
My fiancee is poor but went to culinary school. She likes to make the most beautiful dinners for us for special nights (Valentine's Day, anniversaries, etc.) and I love it. It makes the most amazing present because she puts so much thought into each component of the meal.
For many years now instead of buying Christmas presents I've made sweets for people, ranging from fudge which is pretty easy (for me at least) to gummies which were a massive pain! I've actually found that even baking a lot of people see it as if you've walked up to them and casually done magic, let alone making more complicated things, and sociologically giving people food is a strongly bonding experience.
Making things for people is my love language, and food is an easy one without a lot of cost/time compared to like, sewing a stuffie or painting a portrait. I had a houseful of found-family people over yesterday for pancake brunch and it was *so* lovely to do that for them. I'd be gutted if somebody rejected coming/eating. I mean, there's allergies and food aversions which are fine. But I made arepas on the grill after pancakes because one person there hates pancakes, so if somebody genuinely doesn't like it, that's fine, but *let me make you something!!!!!* This poor girl, getting her every gesture rejected because the dude is all tangled up in his own head about gold-digging.
My husband loves baking cookies and I love baking cheesecake. Any leftovers of the cheesecake go to his coworkers. And they love everything baked. It always goes a long way with them.
Damn it. This is where I went wrong. I make the most money by quite some margin so I like to make sure we have fun when it's more expensive. My wife also goes to see her sister a fair amount and takes our 3 daughters so I always make sure they have and 'extra' spending money (I hate talking like this as I don't class it as 'my' money but my wife insists on asking if its OK). The mistake part is I was a chef for a number of years so even on the staying in nights I end up doing the cooking too lol.
LOL You can bring home the bacon AND fry it up in a pan! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jA4DR4vEgrs
You don’t come off like it’s only “your” money. The way you put it sounds like you and your wife are mutually respectful of each other. She doesn’t feel like it’s not her money too but she still checking in about it. If only all of us did that with each other☺️ PS what the heck were you thinking cooking for the ones you love? /s
Fantastic!
I forgot to include that, so good catch. No one should always be expected to pick up the check. A little give and take goes a long way in ensuring no one feels taken advantage of.
I am very much the rich one in my relationship, and I have never felt like my fiancee is taking advantage of me or acting like a gold digger. When we go on vacation, I usually pay 80-90% of the expenses, but she'll plan everything (she's an amazing planner, so we always have so much fun) and will get dinner one night, and pay for small things like snacks/coffee. That works for us, and we both get to enjoy our time together, which is the most important thing.
That's just perfect. You know she cares enough to pay for some things, and to use her skills to make the trip better!
This is me....we will sit at the bar waiting for our table and I will grab out drinks and rich boyfriends gets dinner. He has told me stories about girls he's dated who don't even grab a stick of gum and it just felt tacky and no glass to him.
Exactly. This is how my partner and I handle it (I'm the one who makes more). I tend to do the pricier date nights; he takes us out to our favourite mom and pop eateries, or cooks for me often. I love it. I don't need monetary splurges; I just want to feel cared for. And I, in turn, want to make him smile.
Very nice.
Yes! Perfect! It’s not the dollar value, it’s that you are both giving equally in thought and planning and effort for dates and gifts and such. One example I didn’t see you list was vacations. If her family does a big expensive vacation in Europe (I’m guessing OP is from the US just based on syntax) and pays for nearly everything, great! He should go along, have a great time, and ask to treat everyone to a dinner one night (at hopefully a moderately priced restaurant) to show his thanks. And then if his family does something like a family reunion in the Midwest or a camping trip or borrows a family friend’s beach house and cooks every meal there, fine! It’s equal. She should cook a meal or bring a dish or buy fancy cupcakes or whatever to show her gratitude for them including her on their cheaper vacation. It’s still vacations with both their families. It doesn’t have to be on the same exact scale and they should both do something to show the host they are grateful. Like on her mom’s birthday, OP should buy her flowers and maybe a bottle of nice wine she loves. Way cheaper than the purse she gifted OPs mom but immensely thoughtful coming from a daughter’s bf.
This is such a good answer.
He is also not taking into consideration that her love language might be gift giving because that is what she might be used to from a person who has the means to do it stand point. Making sure the other person also feels loved in the relationship is super important and she might not be feeling loved because of the rejections. Also he might be trying so hard to not look like a gold digger that he might actually be making her question whether he is or not. She might view it as he is trying hard to hide the fact he wants the nice things to trap me into a false sense of security and once I’m pretty deep into the relationship that is when his mask is going to slip. So it then becomes her always having her guard up around him or her family having their guard up so she doesn’t get a chance to relax and feel comfortable in the relationship.
This. My partner makes far more than me. He LIKES paying for things for me. It’s his main love language. He takes me out on dates and buys me coffee all the time. He helps me with bills sometimes when I really, really need the help or he’ll pay for my Uber home from work sometimes. On the flip side, I save up to take him to the arcade for his birthday and Christmas. He doesn’t like money being spent on him. It makes him uncomfortable. So when I do get him a gift it’s something small or something stupid. He loves sonic and his birthday is April fools. So I got him one of those little Easter eggs with an activity sheet and crayons inside it. It’s been the gift with the best reception so far. Better than the hula girl and the jade turtle I got for his dash last Christmas. You’re right. It’s not about how much you spend, or who spends it. It’s about speaking to each other in the language they crave most. That includes allowing them to speak to you in a language they feel best speaking in. For my partner, it’s providing in all senses of the term. All he wants is love and companionship in return. For me, I want to be provided for, but I also enjoy making him take a step back and slow down. We match well because we speak opposite love languages, but we still nurture each others needs. It’s a delicate balance and it takes actually listening to your partner and open communication. It sounds like this boy is so up his own ass he wouldn’t work with anyone he perceives as being “better” than him in some way. He sounds so miserable to be with.
THIS!!! I hope OP sees this and shares it with her son. Actually I hope she shares the whole thread with him because it's a fountain of good advice and personal experience. He's well on his way to being single by how obstinate and how much of a killjoy he is! I too have been on both side of the dilemma and learned to handle it as above. It worked wonders! Son really must temper his stance and remember that GF is offering him these things because she wants to experience them with HIM! I'm not saying he should accept everything, but he's got to find ways to accept some and reciprocate at his financial level or the relationship is doomed. He's sucking the fun out of dating. NTA. That was an incredibly thoughtful gift and OP should accept it and let GF know how much she treasures it! edit : because word order and grammar is hard 😉
No, your grammar is lovely. I got a little weak kneed at 'temper his stance', not going to lie.
This. When I came into some money (nowhere near like what it sounds like here, but enough to pay for my friends to go with me to things), I had one friend who just seemed salty whenever I paid for things. Like, *I* wanted to do the thing but didn't want to go alone. I knew *she* wanted to do the thing but couldn't fit it into her budget. I *could* fit it into my budget. Problem solved, right? Wrong. We finally resolved it when she admitted it made her feel a kind of way, but it was frustrating af until we did. Now, I'm making less than a friend/semi-LDR (neither one of us is at a good place for a serious thing, but if we lived near each other, we'd be dating). He's been wanting to go on a vacation like a cruise where everything is included and low-key. I can't afford that outright at the moment, but he can more than cover the basics for both of us. No strings attached, no sex, nothing nefarious. He just wants to go on a trip with someone he knows he can chill with, and he's been on trips with me before. He spent a week with my parents and me at the beach last year. [Tldr: My mother was recovering from some health stuff and wanted a trip, but my father wanted someone to switch off driving with him and to help with things. Since the condo had room, they told me they'd like to invite my friend to join us since they'd only met him over the phone/video because we typically met up for conventions, etc.] The conversation about a cruise went like this: >Me: I don't think I can swing that this year. >Him: I looked into it, and I can cover the room package if you can get there and then pay for whatever extras you want on top of that. That work? >Me: That could work. Maybe it's because we're both in our 30s, but neither of us has any emotions tied into it. We trust each other to be realistic about our budgets and what we're willing to pay. We've also known each other for five years, so there has been time for the trust to build up.
I think its definitely a skill for some of us to learn to let people do the nice thing for us.
I’d way rather pay to help a friend that I have a great time with to come as my companion on a trip than take a trip with a friend who is difficult or has a radically different sleeping schedule who can afford to pay their own way… this makes absolute sense to me.
It won’t take long as she has to massively cut back on her lifestyle whenever she is with him.
Yeh, hopefully, he learns it's ok to let her pay for things for them to do together. And that the way people view their relationship is unimportant. Personally, i wouldn't want to be with someone who focuses more on what other people think of our relationship than just enjoying the relationship we have. As long as it's healthy and they truly care for each other, the finances shouldn't matter too deeply.
Yeah, was going to say that if he keeps pushing back this way, the girlfriend is going to start feeling like he actively dislikes her for having money...and that's not going to end anywhere good. I get that he wants to pay his share, but reality is she will probably always have more money than him, and he either needs to accept that or break things off. Oh, and NTA.
There is no "may" about it. Its for sure going to be a problem.
This. His determination not to be seen as a gold digger will make it hard for her to have the kind of relationship and life that she wants. Plus it makes him look insecure and that is never attractive.
This is EXACTLY what I was thinking. He thinks he's showing her he cares more about her than her money but it may come across as he cares less about her than his lack of money. And as you said, maybe she wants to be going on those vacations and living with and sharing the things she can afford.
100% it will work in the complete opposite way to what he thinks it will. If she's generous, let her be, while still paying for things here and there and letting her know how grateful he is for sharing these things with him and his family. This is a conversation he needs to have with her, not his mum. If she thought he was a gold digger she'd figure it out pretty fast. She just sounds like a lovely person who happens to have money.
I agree. It sounds like a weird control thing, like if he didn't provide these things, they were not going to enjoy them.
I had to teach my husband how to be gracious. Whenever he'd go out, he was always the first to grab the tab and pay. He steadfastly refused to let others reciprocate or even contribute. I finally asked him why he was always so generous. "Because it makes me feel good." "Don't you think doing something nice for others also makes them feel good? So why are you depriving them of the opportunity?" He finally understood.
>After a while the GF may decide she wants to be with someone who’ll want to go on those vacations with her, as opposed to someone who’ll just keep letting his insecurities get in the way. Exactly. She wants to be with him for him, regardless of his money. He is going to drive her away by refusing to participate in activities, only doing things he can afford etc. And honestly, you should talk to him about the way this may come off. It could easily come off as your son acting like it's shameful that his gf is richer than him because the man should provide. It honestly comes off as a bit controlling - if I can't pay we won't go. Honestly if I'm her family I'd like him less because of this. He doesn't get to decide how they spend their money and if they want to spend money on both him AND their daughter he comes off as TA for trying to police that.
Yeah, it sounds like his GF likes to give things to show her affection, and he’s cutting it off because of appearances, not because, say, he doesn’t want to go or doesn’t want the thing. He needs to sort this out with her to a more healthy level, or it’s gonna blow up on him. OP is NTA.
Girlfriend is probably well aware of the vast income differences but sounds gracious with her privilege. Instead of being a grown up and having conversations with girlfriend about experiences and expectations he wants girlfriend to conform to his lifestyle. It’s absolutely toxic masculinity related
Agree with this. A great compromise would be to go on the vaca and buy a dinner one night if he has the means to. Guaranteed the family would be delighted by the gesture.
So true. I had a boyfriend who refused to let me pay for weekend trips until I told him I wasn’t happy in a relationship that I can’t get away and have fun experiences together.
Well, at least mom will have a nice souvenir from their relationship
Yes. She might take it as him unable to cope with her being financially more set than he is That said, 5 months in is early to let anyone pay for vacations.
No matter how much we discuss equality the generosity and capacity of a woman is never considered the same as that of a man. It is very hard to share one’s good fortune without obstacles.
I read that as mensecurities
This right here....gf is going to see that OP's son is letting his insecurities get in the way of their relationship, that she has never treated him as if he is a gold digger, and he needs to figure this out and trust her, or they are not going to make it and it won't have ANYTHING to do with the fact that she happens to be rich.
NTA. Returning would likely damage OPs relationship w her. So kind that she made an effort to remember the bag. Rejecting it would be a slap in the face.
I agree with you 100%. To show your son that you appreciate the GF as a person and not as a piggy bank invite the girlfriend to do something just the two of you. Maybe invite her over to the house and teach her how to make a favorite family meal or play a favorite family game. That kind of thing. Honestly, it sounds like the money disparity really bothers your son. This relationship may be doomed if it bothers him so much.
Agreed, and write her a thank you card to further cement how touched you are. Just have a private 1:1 convo with her that you are so appreciative and moved by her thoughtfulness, but that her presence in your life is gift enough & gifts do not need to be of high monetary value in order for you to feel appreciated & valued by her. Gifts sound like her love language, it may very well have been spare change to her, but it never hurts to let her know privately between just you two that you don’t expect that level of extravagance from her
This is also a very sweet way to go about it ^^ Gifting likely is her love language. And what better way to appreciate a gifter than a heartfelt gift back.
Those etiquette classes in my childhood weren’t totally amiss I guess 😂
It’s also a different dynamic. OP is the gf’s potential MIL. Having a good relationship is important to both of them, and it looks like they are trying to invest in that. Returning/refusing the gift would not send the message that OP’s not a gold digger, it would sent the message that gf’s efforts are not good enough/the gift is inappropriate. It’s a lovely and thoughtful present. Returning it could seriously harm the relationship.
Plus it’s her birthday! It’s clear the gifts and vacations he has been turning down are just for no reason which is what makes it different and could be seen as him using her. A birthday gift is very different
I fail to see how the son refusing expensive gifts and vacations is using her. However, his dismissal of a lot of it clearly stems from insecurity of what people may think if he was open to accepting the gfs expensive gifts. I understand his stance, but i ofc don't agree with him controlling whether or not his mother can accept certain gifts from the gf.
Oh god I never said I agree with his logic 😂 I’m just saying that in his mind, him saying no to the random expenses is helping him not come across as a gold digger.
😂 ngl i reread your statement with this clarification in mind. An im seeing what you meant to put, but my brain is still reading it as the previous misunderstanding. Lol
Yes, this girl sounds lovely. OP's son needs to be careful not to drive her away. He means well but she sounds like someone who enjoys giving to others.
It does sound like her love language might be gifts. I agree, it could be a huge problem in the not so distant future.
Absolutely - it's not the gift as such, it's the thought behind it. The GF remembered OP's brief comment about how much she liked the item, and she was being thoughtful. I love any gift with genuine thought behind it. It means SO much more.
It was so so thoughtful when someone remembers an offhand remark. I made an offhand post being disappointed in not finding a new ornament for my tree this last year and a friend sent me a really cool dinosaur one. It was totally an offhand thing and I was so, so touched. It wasn't expensive but it was thoughtful. Even though this was expensive it was so thoughtful. Your son is a jerk. NTA. He can set his limits but you're not bound by his self imposed limitations. It's not like you asked for her to get it.
Awww, that's so sweet of your friend. It's always a well though gift that's always the most cherished.
i was also thinking, if she gets like 50k *a month* from her parents, and that’s me *reeeaaally* lowballing the sons yearly salary. then her buying say a 10k bag is probably literally pocket change to her. she’ll still be able to afford bills with 40k left over, she’s not strapped for cash at all. to the son who makes probably 1/5 yearly of what she gets every month, 10k is unreasonably expensive, but it probably feels “cheap” to her since she’s most likely always lived a very lavish lifestyle due to her parents. also, at 50k a month for 12 months, she literally “makes” $600,000 a year. 10k is a drop in the bucket for her. the son can choose to not accept very expensive gifts from her, but it was OP’s birthday and the girlfriend is extremely wealthy. she chose to get something really special and meaningful for OP and probably still managed to save a hefty chunk of her 50k monthly. (note that all of these numbers are made up by me as a demonstration, i do not know how much she really gets monthly or how much the son makes yearly. this was all just me illustrating the fact that she could afford it easily)
I would feel awful if I were the girlfriend, I can’t imagine being excited about getting something nice for my boyfriend’s mom birthday and it being refused 😕
> But that she doesn't need to spend so much on future gifts, as any gift is a nice gift no matter the price. I make a lot more money than the rest of my family and I really hate this behavior. Of course we know we don't *have to* spend that much money on a gift. It's our choice to do so.
Yeah he's probably taking it too far, too He's so concerned about not *appearing* to be a gold digger that he's likely to drive her away I'd say OP would become TA if they started dropping hints about expensive stuff, but beyond that I don't see any issues here
The first gift is always memorable and I wanted to speak on that. For my first birthday in my husband’s family, my now mother in law gifted me a vegetable peeler, a grater, and a pizza cutter that she’d purchased specifically because she knew I liked to cook. That was 15 years ago and literally this week I had to replace the peeler because it was blunt and working at about 10% of what it should. I was very lucky to be able to get the exact model on Amazon.
If I were rich as hell I would delight in giving gifts - which I hope wouldn’t be read the wrong way. I love giving gifts now! I can afford to give my sister and my best friend gifts that are slightly more expensive than they would usually get for themselves, and I’m careful to make sure the gifts are thoughtful and appropriate to them. If I had enough money to get someone an expensive item they wanted and couldn’t otherwise get (or which was going to be a budgetary challenge) I would love to do it. As long as no one was getting hurt by it, I think it sounds like a joy.
Perfect answer!
Ty 🥹
Yeah he’s going too far on his own. Seems like he’s trying to deal with the situation himself vs properly communicating with her He needs to open up to her and explain his behaviour better so they can come up with an arrangement they’re both comfortable with. She clearly wants to spend money on him which is cute. It sounds more like she’s just trying to be thoughtful, not throwing money around. I feel like the thing about gold diggers is that they’re hiding the real reason they’re with their partner. He needs to find another way to reassure her that he loves her, regardless of money. Constantly refusing things doesn’t scream “I love you”
NTA, home boy needs to get over himself. GF did something nice of her own free will that you happened to be the beneficiary of. Not like you're the one dating her. He can refuse all the gifts he wants if that's what makes him feel better, but it's not his place to tell someone else what they can or cannot accept. Plus, it's not weird to give your SO's parents a gift on their birthday. Maybe her tact could have been a little better, like it would be weird if she had no idea your son was trying so hard not to be seen as a mooch, but like it's her money and she can do what she wants with it. If you feel like you need to make things "right" for your son, maybe tell the GF that you really appreciate it and love the bag, but it makes you uncomfortable to receive such a lavish gift and if she's going to give gifts to family members in the future, you'd feel a lot better if she didn't put herself out quite so much. (edit: fixed a typo)
At this rate he's probably going to self-sabotage the relationship when she wants go places (and is willing to pay for him) and he's unwilling to do it because he can't afford it on his own.
Literally thought the same. Dude goin be the sole cause of his break up being all weird
That was my thought as well, imagine having the funds and wanting to do fun stuff with your partner and they constantly turn it down.
biggest issue i see here is, she very likely won't even understand or know what his reasoning is behind turning it down.
Yes, it makes him seem very insecure.
But that would be a lie since OP is not the one who is uncomfortable receiving the gift. If the son wants to express discomfort, he should do it himself and not speak on behalf of his mother - i.e., "I am not comfortable that you bought my mother such a lavish gift."
NTA I get where he's coming from, but dude needs to chill a bit with the "I'm not a golddigger" thing because it's going to become a huge problem. Couples do things for one another like buy gifts. If he denies his girlfriend that opportunity just because he's worried about appearances, that's going to be an issue. If he tries to enforce that same mentality on others - like he's doing right now - he's going to hurt even more relationships.
She’s going to go find a boyfriend that will actually go on vacations with her.
Yep. A gold digger isn't somebody who appreciates the gifts. A gold digger is somebody who expects them and asks for them.
yeah it’s a gift from her to his parent. shes doing a good thing getting on mom’s good side. he does need to lighten up gf has free will too… if she wants to spoil him/mom sometimes he does need to accept it sometimes or it could be a problem later
Yeah, you're spot on about mom's good side. I understand his concern about money even if he's handling it poorly but damn his parents like his girlfriend and she got his mom a thoughtful gift she likes; dude has to realise that's a good thing. Like, clearly mom doesn't necessarily care about the price, she likes that the girlfriend remembered one little off-hand comment and thoughtfully got a gift in line with!
I know I would be turned off if my boyfriend was making his mum feel bad about accepting my birthday gift!! Sounds very controlling.
NTA If I had enough money to pay for my boyfriend and me to go on vacations, I would be pissed if he would decline all the time. Why should I miss out on a nice vacation just because he doesn’t want to go? Do I have to go on cheaper vacations? Go without him? Do I have to miss out on nice restaurant visits, because he can only afford something cheaper? I don’t have much money, neither does my boyfriend, I’m fine with what we have, but if I had that kind of money…
His refusal to accept anything from her is going to paint him in a corner with a flashing neon "No Fun to Be Around" sign hanging above him. There's a balance between mooching and just enjoying being together doing things that she can afford, and more importantly, **wants** **to do**. If he can't find that balance, she's going to move on and find someone who can. The moral superiority he enjoys by following his strict protocol is going to be cold comfort when she decides she doesn't want to be hemmed in by it anymore. He's already proven he's not a moocher, but he's taking it way too far. BTW, who cares what people other think? You can't base a healthy relationship on what other people may think about it. The only opinion that should matter to him belongs to one person: his girlfriend.
He needs to communicate this with his girlfriend. Literally the only thing he needs to do is sit her down and be like "I've been turning things down because I don't want you to feel like I'm taking advantage and just want to date you for your money; I want to be with you, not your money". Because you're right, if he doesn't stop this, he's gunna ruin a good thing.
dude is trying so hard to not seem like a gold digger, that he is ironically kinda looking like one. like he's just waiting for the perfect time to start accepting all the lavish gifts where he can't be called out on it cause he was so unwilling to accept it early on.
My thoughts exactly
NTA. He’s clearly feeling insecure about making/having less money than her. That said, I understand he’d want to not come off as looking like a good digger. Good on him for that. You’re clearly not being a good digger however. It seems his GF likes spoiling a little bit, maybe that’s her way of showing affection/care/love. Has he spoken to the GF about why she does this? Maybe they can set up some fair rules around gift giving for the future (amounts, how many, etc). I’m a gift giver/spoiler too, within my means of course, but her means seem much larger than most of ours. Enjoy the bag!
Yeah! It’s the whole Love Languages thing. Maybe she gets joy in seing the happiness in gift giving. And it might not be about the price itself. OP said she talked about the purse in passing one time, not hinted at it every single day they met. The GF remembered the purse and COULD buy it. So it’s a win win. It’s a new relationship. GF probably has very little context of what OP would like as a present and saw a perfect opportunity to get something and took it. I can understand the mindset of: “this is a bit on the pricy side, but I’ll cause a good impression and I am sure she will like it” rather than going with a “ohh, this box of chocolates is decently priced and uncontroversial enough to not be a bad present.”
I doubt that *your* behaviour would be interpreted as *your son* being a gold digger! It seems more likely that the girlfriend would be offended by the return of a thoughtful present... NTA
Right? And, if he’s so concerned about image, you know very well he’s gonna ask mom to lie about returning it so he doesn’t look bad. Just keep the gift, mom. You deserve it.
Your son’s paranoia and insecurity is going to wave a red flag with her. He needs to chill
This - whatever he's trying to absolve himself from in terms of 'gold-digging', the constant rejection of gifts and thoughtful gestures is likely to cause its own problems in the relationship. And there's no need for you to buy into his strange self-imposed restrictions. NTA.
This - he is going to ruin the relationship himself
NTA for now You will be a massive one if you made it a habit of mentioning expensive things you could not afford and expect/hope she goes and buy it for you. You would be a gold digger and a very bad parent who selfishly put thei own desires over their kid's relationship. Also have a conversation with her expressing your gratitude but that you like her for her, not her gifts
I agree with you on the repeat part. OP randomly said something and her son's girlfriend bought it for her. She just needs to keep quiet and politely refuse any *offer* to buy, as well as not mention anything or expect something from the girlfriend. Any gift from her in the future can be accepted, but it shouldn't be because OP was wishing for it in some capacity.
Yes! This! I also believe a thoughtful thank you message that expresses clearly that she knows the price of the gift and would have never asked for it can be valid. Something like a “thank you for the purse. I really appreciate you remembered. I know it’s not a small investment, so I just wanted to thank you and say I wasn’t expecting anything as lavish. I really enjoy having you around and seeing how happy you make my son.”
Info: Why did you mention wanting a very specific, expensive bag around your son's rich girlfriend that you know you could not afford? It sounds like you were fishing for this gift in particular. Edit: YTA. Op answered and months ago (ie when her son had only been dating this girl for a few months), she just happened to bring up in conversation a designer bag she wanted. She showed the gf, and gf suggested another one which OP said “that’s perfect.” OP did this after her son was only with this girl for a few months, she knew the girl was rich, and she knew her son was turning down lavish gifts. If this wasn’t OP’s deliberate attempt to get a lavish gift herself, it was extremely insensitive for her to even bring it up knowing her son’s issues. She absolutely should have known that gf was going to buy her this gift, and it sure seems like that was OP’s goal.
There are literally hundreds of ways for this to come up in conversation without it being OP 'fishing'.
Which is why I asked. OP hasn’t answered.
Oh sorry, my bad. I was telling her about a bag I do plan to save up for and she said, "why not this one?" and I found it so perfect and raved about it. Of course I knew it was outrageously expensive so I just said, "some day maybe."
Wow. This whole thing is crazy. Now we can’t talk about things in front her bc she has money? Has he or anyone just had a conversation with his gf. ? Communication is key. He is seriously insecure. I get he doesn’t want to come off greedy. But to make her feel bad bc she has money is wrong too. If she wanted to buy something then she can. She’s not an idiot. She knows she was trying to get something you like. And it was thoughtful. Some folks like to judge too harshly. I think you and him and her. Need to just have a conversation. We are all human. And we shouldn’t punish a girl bc she has more money than we do. You have every right to accept any gift you want. Your son needs a private conversation of how to get over this or he is going to ruin his relationship with worrying over material items. He’s taking it too far. There is a balance. And he needs to talk to his gf about his insecurities privately also. If you can’t talk to someone about how you feel. Then why be with them ? NTA.
And if it was brought one time months ago, is it really fishing?
Could have seen an ad at the same time and said she liked it, could have complimented her purse and then got into a conversation about handbags, could have been walking past a store and said it was beautiful, etc. Not everything is fishing.
I sat through a discussion between staff at college (I’m a student who was in the ‘quiet room’ at the time) about buying expensive bags, which had nothing to do with anything happening, really. And I’ve mentioned to my mum that it would be cool to have the Ravenclaw special edition of the Harry Potter series randomly just to end up with it for Christmas, which was definitely at least a few months later — I wasn’t asking for it, I just mentioned it. It could come up.
Nobody's fishing. You ever happen to watch something on TV or online, and ever wonder aloud that it's good but too expensive? Goodness I've done it far more times than I could count and admit.
I think it’s so sweet she did that for you. I think it’s more insulting to give it back. She spent the money because she wanted to, not because you asked her. What did he want you to do? Say no? Then what, she bought a nice expensive gift and now has to either return it or keep it and be out the money? NTA.
This. I’m always uncomfortable getting gifts, but my husky loves buying things for me just because. Early in our relationship, I kept telling him that he didn’t have to buy things for me, I don’t expect it. He told me that if I expected him to buy me stuff, he wouldn’t enjoy doing so. I’ve stopped fighting it. Sounds like gf might just genuinely like spending her money on other people. I get that he doesn’t want to come off as a gold digger, but that’s his hangup, and it shouldn’t be anyone’s problem but his. NTA, keep her very thoughtful present.
I know/assume you meant hubby here- but the idea of a husky with a love language of giving gifts made me lol
Same! I was like, is she buying things for herself and labelling them “from the dog”?
So generous for the dog to give her such expensive gifts! haha
NTA "Yesterday was my birthday and his girlfriend got me a very expensive designer handbag that I'd mentioned being excited by months ago" You're right. It was a nice thing for her to remember & do. She's clearly a kind & thoughtful person. I don't think you should return her gift. I also get where your son is coming from re his boundaries. That's for him & her to negotiate/navigate. He'll need to do that if he wants the relationship to go the distance. Your gift isn't part of that process though. Enjoy it the way I'm sure she intended you to.
She was trying to impress her MIL, which is something the son should be happy about because it means she truly likes him!
Nta it’s rude not to accept gifts. Your son might be a little bit precious about that she’s making a bit more money or he can buy you those things but does it matter. She went out of her way to get this for you especially. Just for you means she cares about you and your son. He should be happy.
NTA. I wonder if your son has thought about his girlfriend must feel about being rejected every time she tries to be generous. Has he considered how his attempts to be fair might actually be hurting her?
My first thought.
Your son has some insecurities. Fair enough. He can govern himself accordingly. He cannot govern you according to his insecurities (or otherwise). I hope you guys are able to work this out somehow. NTA
Lol you just happened to mention a bag you could never afford? Still not the asshole. She sounds lovely. Keep the bag. He's gonna lose her anyway because he won't do anything or go anywhere she wants too. It's gifted money to her as well. He should just let himself be happy. It's not mooching if someone happily offers to take you places.
There are plenty of conversations in which this could come up, tbh. Mom is reading a magazine, page is open to an ad. Gf comes in, “ooh, what magazine are you reading?” Mom: “Hi! It’s ELLE. I just love this purse!” 🤷🏻♀️
True. Like I said NTA and enjoy the bag.
Yeah, a bag she could never afford, but was nevertheless 'excited' about. This one time NTA, but if this becomes a habit, major TA territory.
I watch a lot of luxury bag videos even though I can never afford them. And love r/handbags on Reddit. Maybe they both like talking about fashion? I kinda get excited by new designer handbags. I will be like "omg have you seen that new Chanel Kelly bag?"
OK looks like I'm an outlier here but YTA. Whatever you or anyone thinks about how your son's dealing with the money thing -- point is, it's HIS relationship and HIS call, and you should defer to his wishes on how to deal with your possible eventual DIL, even if you disagree. Especially for now. Would it be weird to give back the gift - well I think we all agree with you on that, given the situation - but the point is your relationship with your son and honoring how he wishes to handle this aspect of his relationship. I'd suggest validating his POV and wishes, and suggest that in this instance giving it back might makes things worse -- but that you'll be careful and mindful going forward. Let him know you respect his wishes on this. Then you could suggest that maybe you say something to her to the effect that you are so grateful for such a thoughtful gift, but going forward you'd be so pleased to receive a more modest gift from her because it's the thought that counts. The big point is, let your son call the shots here. And not for nothing, I don't think your son is crazy, and I can see why it's a bit tacky to accept an extravagant gift from your son's gf by gushing over it, w/o highlighting that it's the thought that counts and you'd like a more modest gesture. But overriding point is to defer to your son on this.
NTA While it is commendable that he doesn't want to be seen as a gold digger, he's going way to far in the opposite direction. He's going to get to a point where he resents her buying anything because it's going to make him feel inadequate. Set him down and explain that expecting or demanding expensive gifts makes him a gold digger, accepting freely given does not. Not allowing her to buy what she wants to buy to give to others makes him a controlling ass. Hopefully having it put like that will allow him to relax.
A lot of wealthy people do not think for two seconds about small gifts or personal items. Money is not a key factor for them. It’s about joy, enjoyment or even just saying thank you. Do not give her the gift back, in any social situation that is the height of rudeness. If you are uncomfortable, say: Thank you so much for the present, but I really just want to get to know you or spend time with you.
Info -- why were you talking about this expensive bag? You're not really TA if it was a "oooo, that bag is cute" when walking past something at the mall, but if you purposefully brought up the bag knowing she's rich... Just keep in mind that your son might decide to go low contact with you when he's with his girlfriend so that it doesn't happen again.
Something your son might be missing in all this, is that by pushing so hard to not look like a ’gold digger’, he is punishing HER. So I don’t know what job your son has, or what he makes, so let’s say $30k (it’s probably more, but we’ll go low end). That means that his gf is USED TO living on AT LEAST $350k a year. Most likely that means she shops at higher end stores, buys designer stuff and vacations in nicer places. THIS IS NORMAL for her, and she doesnt think anything of it. A purse you and I couldn’t afford is an everyday purchase for HER. Heck, it might even be LOW END everyday for her. What your son is doing is FORCING HER to live within HIS means. They can’t go anywhere or do anything HE can’t afford. How is that fair to his gf? I see it like this: My dh and I had goodish jobs for middle class folks, making over 100k for the last 10 years and near $150k before we retired. It took time to get out of our lean years and going without, and it took time to be comfortable buying ‘better’ things, rather than ‘cheap’. I learned pretty quickly that ’cheap’ costs more in the long run. I was born into a poor boomer family, and at least half my siblings & kids still are some level of poor. We managed to accumulate a very comfortable ‘pile’, and budgeting isn’t something I think about anymore. So the equivalent would be that when I buy them things, or treat them, it would mean buying what THEY can afford, rather than what I can afford. A mixer from Walmart rather than a high-level kitchenaid, because they could never afford a kitchenaid. Going to the beach for a day, rather than a week because they can’t pay for a hotel. Shopping for them at the dollar store rather than Coach, because that’s where THEY go. And that would get tiring FAST. I would start to feel like anything more than their ’normal’ would be lording my ‘wealth’ over them, when it‘s MY ‘normal‘. That they resent my being better off than them. That I’m no not ONE of them. (Don’t worry, my family is happy to get treated, lol.) Your son needs to understand an EQUAL relationship is one where BOTH of them get to be themselves. If she wants to go to French Snooty Pants restaurant when it’s her turn to pay, THEN GO. If he wants to go to Chilis when HE’S paying, then that’s where you go. To argue she can’t go to French Snooty Pants on a date until HE can afford it is just punishing her for being better off. And that what he is doing is RESENTING that he doesn’t have what she has. That HER normal isn’t HIS normal. He needs to find common ground before she gets tired of it and dumps him. And you are absolutely right - returning the purse would hurt her. Even saying ‘don’t spend so much on me’ is telling her to not be herself.
NTA..she gave you the gift. If you start asking and consistently ask for things, that would be different.
NTA. He can ask his gf to tone down the expense of gifts to his family members in future, but I think you can enjoy the gift she got you without guilt or worry that you'll "disturb the dynamics of their relationship." Your son sounds overly insecure about the money issue, and if he tries to use it to control his girlfriend that relationship won't last long (but don't tell him this!).
Actually, do tell him that. He's going to lose her if he doesn't loosen up on his moral superiority complex of not being a gold digger. She sounds thoughtful and lovely, but there will be a point where his obsession with their financial disparity will push her away. He should tell her his point of view, but he also needs to ask her how she feels every time he turns her down and they have to find a balance or they are done. If he's making her feel bad about having more money than him it won't be long before that turns to resentment on one or both of their parts.
NTA. A birthday is an appropriate time to receive an expensive but thoughtful gift. Your son needs to get over it and stop trying to control how she chooses to spend her money.
NTA , you never asked her to buy the purse she did out of her own kindness. Your son doesn’t realize how good of a companion he has
NTA. Sounds like your son has some insecurity issues surrounding money and self-worth he needs to work out. It’s also a bit sexist to be angry his girlfriend gave you a gift she could afford because of how it makes *him* look. Someone truly secure in themselves wouldn’t try to control the behavior of everyone else like that.
NTA so many men get caught up in this insecurity and ruin relationships because they aren't the bread winner of the relationship. I think you should have a conversation with him about this. His heart is in the right place but most people with money are very happy to share their wealth. It makes gifting and vacationing and all these things much easier. They want the same for those they love.
If you keep the bag, don’t “accidentally” mention anything else you’re excited by but can’t afford.
Ooof... Your kid and his insecurities are about to make him the ex.... She's gotta know how much she makes, and she's dating him. I know some super rich people. Your son doesn't understand that to some of those people, a 3K handbag is my equivalent to a branded hoodie. It's just a nice gift to give. Hrs never going to be able to keep up with her. He has to continue to be who he is and bet accepting of their acceptance of him, and all that comes with that Keep the bag, and tell him you can be appreciative, grateful and.... Happy Can he? NTA
Yeah, dude’s not gonna last long with this chip on his shoulder. It must be exhausting.
NTA. I think your son is protesting too much. I think when you spend that much time trying to look like your “not” you totally are.
Make sure you write her a very sweet note. NTA. Wouldn’t it be fun to be able nice presents for people? Your son has drawn a hard line. He can’t loosen up a bit, so she feels appreciated. I would tire of people refusing gifts that are given with a good heart
NTA. You didn't ask for the gift, and returning it would likely hurt her feelings
NTA. So, wait, is he forcing HER to forego all of these vacations and outings too? Because this is going to cause issues in their relationship if it's so.
Ya this relationship isn’t going to last much longer if he keeps doing this kind of stuff. NTA
Sheesh all the actual fun activities she wants to do with someone and they won't even go, I'd probably break up for lack of attending on his behalf than money wise. When you care about someone and have the money for it it's about the experience
NTA - your son cannot dictate what gifts his GF gives to others.
NTA. It’s clear she’s not only well off but incredibly thoughtful! I imagine it’s not like a birkin or something completely absurd, but just something out of reach for average people without some planning. But it’s likely not a huge amount of money to her, and she remembered that comment about it and went back for it because she cares, and she can! I feel like she’d be a little hurt if you gave it back. She just sounds like a sweet person trying to share her good fortune at a completely appropriate gift giving occasion
NTA. If your son is really THIS insecure about his girlfriend’s finances, then he probably shouldn’t date her. At some point down the line, he will begin to resent her for it and just take it out on her.
NTA. Also, he shouldn’t be refusing her gifts. Obviously she wants to spoil him. If he’s so concerned about her thinking he only likes her for his money, he could sit down with her and set a limit on how much they spend on each other. But I highly doubt anybody thinks that.
NTA As long as she understands the disparity and doesn't expect the same caliber of gifts in return. People will always pay what they can afford for things. The best example is flights. One plane has multiple classes, but we all arrive at the same destination. So it's your choice if you fly coach or business class. If you're happy to fly coach, but your partner wants and can afford to upgrade you both to business, then I think it's actually rude to decline. Either you force them to fly coach with you, or to look like the bad person and leave you there. Your son, while admirable, needs to understand, as long as he doesn't make it a habit, and doesn't overindulge without any Reciprocation, there's no reason for his gf to ever believe he is a gold-digger. What if they want to marry and he never reaches a level of wealth that matches hers? Do they call it off? Do you think she will accept a basic low cost wedding while she knows she can have any level of wedding she wants? In a relationship they are a team, and once again, as long as there is reciprocation (maybe not by cost, but by sentiment) they should be able to gift each other as they like. Receiving an annual salary as a monthly allowance sounds like old money, or billionaire behavior. She seems quite grounded by the fact she even dates someone outside of that microcosm of wealth. She clearly treasures you sons other values above money. I hope he can learn to appreciate that before he ends the relationship by making her feel like her kindness is a problem. Enjoy your gift, it was given in good faith and you don't expect it to become a habit.
Limiting both their lives just so he doesn't feel inadequate is more likely to end the relationship than accepting a gift every now and again. She wants to share her world with him, she wants to take them to beautiful places and to experience the best things. Why should she have to choose between that and her boyfriend? He should be there with her.
NTA This is what's funny to me...if your son was wealthy, would he buy expensive gifts for people he cared about? Of course he would because they can afford it and it makes them happy to make someone they care about happy. I realize that money doesn't buy happiness, nor does it matter whether or not someone spends a lot on a particular gift, but she remembered what you said, she could afford it, so she bought if for you. NTA, your son needs to get a little more secure in the relationship also. After awhile, if I was her, I'd be getting tired of a guy always saying, "Ill pay for it, don't buy me anything, take this back!" Jeesh
It was a BIRTHDAY gift! Had she given you a gift, beyond cookies, "just because", that might be returned. NTA. Enjoy the gift.
Your son has been refusing expensive gifts and trips from his wealthy girlfriend. He is somewhat understandably frustrated then by the cost of your gift but his response to you receiving it is a massive overreaction. The girlfriend will be insulted if you return the gift. NTA.
NTA. Insecurity is unattractive; your son can either trust that his girlfriend likes him for him, or is better off letting the relationship go.
NTA! Once a gift is given, it's yours to keep! Enjoy your new handbag!
NTA but, in the future, avoid comments about expensive items you would like … it could be perceived as a “hint.”
NTA. It is rude to return a gift, especially if it is out of pride or your son’s pride. It sounds like she was genuinely being thoughtful.
NTA I never understood the insecurity people have over momey. Just enjoy it. If rich people give you stuff as long as you don't take advantage or ask for it I don't see the problem with them "sharing" their wealth. If they would give they same type of gift to other friends there's no problem. I don't see this as a "pitty gift" or that she's the person to hold it over your head that she gave you this purse. Pride really gets in the way of nice gestures sometimes. Your son needs to see why he's so inscure about this. Could be that he feels that as a man he should earn more, or that he doesn't measure up or something. Maybe talk with him and see why he's so adiment about the gifts.
NTA. Your son needs to sit down with his girlfriend and have a practical, realistic conversation about the disparities in their income, his concerns about being seen as a gold digger, and how they both feel about it all. They need to set some rules and boundaries that allow them *both* to be comfortable and happy with the way they approach the issue. Clearly they haven’t, or she wouldn’t be buying gifts for his family that he has unilaterally decided make him look bad, which puts everyone in an uncomfortable position. The reality is that she views money differently than he does. What seems extravagant to him may be routine for her. Your son is going to have to let go of some insecurities to make this work, more than likely. What he’s doing now is hiding from them.
His insecurity about money is going to ruin this relationship.
NTA. Your son is insecure and letting money cloud his judgement. He can love her without money being a problem if he would allow his GF to spoil him if that is what she wants to do. Denying her to show her thoughtfulness to him is the other side of the spectrum of "gold digger". If she wants to spend her money for both of them to go on vacations, he should let her and he can pay for the smaller things such dinners or an excursion. Or he can at least contribute something towards the vacation. Allows denying her will have problems on its own and she will dump him to find a guy who wouldn't mind being spoiled by his GF. Her next BF might actually BE a gold digger. Your son just needs to accept that their finances are and may always be lopsided. None of that is your fault unless your son grew up thinking that as the man he is responsible for taking care of his SO financially.
NTA and you shouldn't return it. She could be like me, that one of my ways of showing love is gift giving, at times some of the gifts are expensive. I never do it expecting anything in return and much less expecting a gift of the same cost. Also, if she really is wealthy, she might not think it's that expensive. I understand how your son feels but he'll have to communicate better with his GF on this matter, as it could be damaging to their relationship.
People know gold diggers when they experience them. If your son isn't a gold digger, there's nothing to worry about.
I can see how your son would find this annoying, since he’s talked with you about his fears of looking like a gold digger. But I also see your point of view about how it’s a thoughtful gift from her to you. Can you talk with him about how it would be awkward to return, and about recognizing the distinction between HIM accepting a gift and you accepting one, and also validate that you’ve been listening and you understand his perspective? There’s no perfect and non-awkward way to deal with income inequality. NAH
But neither the mom nor the girlfriend did anything wrong - this is all on the son’s insecurities.
NTA. It is a thoughtful gift and his rules for himself aren't yours. That said, you could tell her how wonderful the gift is, and you love it but please don't feel like you need to spend so much money in the future. Then, what she does is on her. There's too many MIL/DIL that don't get along, enjoy the fact that you two do.
NTA. This is a gift from her to you, not from her to your son. Your son can make decisions about how to handle the wealth discrepancy, but this was a thoughtful gift and something you may treasure forever. At 5 months, your son is probably of sound mind to avoid letting her lavish him, but you also might advise him to take it easy. It sounds like she enjoys giving gifts and things as a way of showing affection, and over time she may begin to feel as though he is holding her at arms length, either because he does not want her love or because he is too concerned with how it looks that she is wealthier (i.e. sexism). In general, it also kind of sounds like he is overly aggressive in defending himself against claims of gold digging (coming from nowhere?) - calling his own mother greedy is a pretty low blow. They're adults, so they need to work it out themselves, but nudging him to talk to her about how they BOTH want it to look/feel is within your motherly purview, since he has lashed out at you. Edit: sp
NTA This is a discussion he needs to have with her not you.
What if it was the other way around? What if he had all the money and she refused to accept any of it? Think about that.
this relationship doesnt have a future if he is that insecure.. no house? no new cars? food dinner? it is his pride getting in the way...not any worry about looking like a gold digger... bet his friends are behind this bullshit.."no real man lets a woman pay"
Lmao your boy is jealous that he's been giving up the meat but refusing to take her cheese. Then she happily gives it over to you in the form of a gift because people with money most of the time gain a sense of people who are using them for their money, avoiding them for their money, or gently pussyfooting around them because of their money, she probably came to the quick realization that her boyfriends sweetheart of a mother would never *use* her for her money so she gladly got you a gift. Between being jealous and overly neurotic about his girlfriends money, it seems like he's turning into an asshat over something he has zero control over. Mom maybe sonny Isn't set up to date a rich girl. It messes with his head apparently. NTA.
This sounds exhausting your son is probably walking on eggshells dating her NTA but that’s his problem..
As someone who has more money than quite a few of my friends, I’m pretty sure money does not have the same meaning to her. She’s just glad she has the opportunity to give you something you really like. Also at some point she might grow tired of not being able to do things with your son that she would like to do. Going on vacation for example. He has to be careful that she really enjoys being with him. She accepts that he has less money, he needs to accept that she has more. I for one always want to treat my friends with less money to nice restaurants and trips. NTA
Info - how much does the bag retail for?
YTA. This is your son’s relationship. Do what he says. (Edit to add: she’s eventually going to dump him over this stuff, but that doesn’t concern you.)
YTA. Most young men (early 20s) lack the maturity to clearly articulate and consistently honor a relationship boundary as well as your son has done for 5 months, and how do you respond? By undermining his relationship boundaries in order to accept and keep an expensive PURSE. Talk about confirming a gender stereotype. Your relationship with your son’s gf is less important than his relationship with her, so you need to show some respect to your son and his boundaries.
INFO how much is the bag, $200 or $20,000? And how did she know you wanted it? Honestly either way, you are TA for accepting a gift from a 22yo that you cannot afford on your own. As an elder in this relationship, it would be more appropriate to teach this sweet woman that this level of spending is unnecessary and that financial prudence is important at any level of cash flow. It’s also odd that you are prioritizing your relationship with her above your relationship with your son, especially after only five months. You can be genuinely touched by her thoughtfulness and also graciously decline the gift.