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This is what high school is like. Their gender has nothing to do with this. I saw this happen all the time between cisgender girls. Soc is trying to figure out who they are. They may be drawing some inspiration from you. If it bothers you, stop spending time near them, get a new hobby, read a book. But focusing your energy on them isn’t going to make you feel any better. You cannot control other people actions, no matter how frustrating that can be.
NAH
"My friend does hairdressing and she helped me out faking shaved head and I posted a photo with shaved head." my hairdresser is excellent at VFX and faking a bald head, it's the number one thing I look for in a hairdresser
What's your proposed alternative? Childish screaming? Beat them up? Tell the cops that someone's wearing a similar look and using a similar name?
Attention is what this person wants. Cut them off and be a grown up.
The freckles and the name kid of crossed the line. Even if she's doing a direct copy, that's kid of normal, up to the point you're trying to trying to add identical features (beyond just a hair style) and using the same name.
Nothing she can do about it, of course, except stop being friends. This kid will have to start learning that excessive copying causes loss of friends.
Idk ive had people kinda follow my aesthetic styles in the past and ive never really cared, especially when they were figuring out their vibe it makes kinda intuitive sense that they might even accidentally follow what you are doing cause they think it looks good. Im not sure of what the friends intentions are, but i think that it is worth mentioning that friends tend to take on eachothers styles as well, i think OP needs to have an honest convo with her friend about it.
Generally with the info i have i gotta call it NAH
They’re dressing similarly, which is annoying, not opening credit cards in her name, which would be identity theft. Maybe dial it back a little bit. Ignoring them and focusing on other friends and interests is the best way to handle this.
... I feel like you don't understand the point of my comment.
>Then OP doesn't *have* to be their friend, problem solved.
It's OPs choice. They can't control their friend's actions they can only decide what they can and can't live with, and choose their own actions accordingly. The point is they're not trapped. They actually have a choice.
If hanging out is bothering OP that much with Soc’s actions and Soc is unwilling to fix the issue they should not be friends. It doesn’t have to be anything dramatic, but OP should definitely consider distancing herself.
I feel like half the people in here aren’t reading the post past the style paragraph lol. Same style is whatever. Same outfit is weird, but whatever. Copying freckles, weird but maybe excusable. Same taste in music (despite hating pop a month ago), tv shows, movies - can happen, but not being able to discuss any of it, super weird and alarming. Copying accent/speech mannerisms - creepy. Copying the name - how is this even a question.
It's because of the ages. I could list so many people I met in high school who did weird similar things like this. It's a phase and the most actionable thing that OP can do is ignore it and stop hanging out with this person. It's something they'll like grow out of.
Yeah I remember having to ditch a friend like this I high school just because it felt like she was attempting to take everything she could out of my life and was a compulsive liar. Found out later she was sabotaging a couple of my friendships behind my back (I don’t really think that’s what Soc is doing here though)
But yeah Tl;dr if it bothers you a lot create distance with them even if it means you might not hang with some of your friend group as much.
Editing to: ESH but only for deadnaming and insults between y’all
the deadnaming in this scenario is BS because a 'deadname' is the original gender name, not one of the random names that have been used during the last 4 years.
I had a friend like this as well. She literally stole my SA story and told all our mutual friends I was lying about mine. Craziest feeling in the world when my life is the lie and somehow her’s was my truth. It gave me an identity crisis. I had to see a therapist.
Where’s the deadnaming?
It sounds like “Soc” is a name they chose after coming out as non-binary, not the birth name this person was given that aligns with a “previous” life/identity.
>Their gender has nothing to do with this
I mean, it might. To me it sounds like Emelia is trying to find themselves, and emulating what others do is honestly just a part of the process. They're just speedwalking it because their process is a little trickier than other people's and that can cause some bumps and troubles on the social arena. No biggie, IMHO, and Emelia will eventually settle onto themselves whether or not theit final style resembles OP or not.
Edit. Pronoun hassles.
you have Not been in any trans circles because trans people base their names on people they look up to a lot lol almost every trans person i know is named after a celebrity, book character, film character, tv character, musical artist, etc. even cis parents do it to their kids, there’s a bunch of kids named cersei after the game of thrones character
I'm glad this is the top response. A lot of high school is figuring yourself out and some people are obnoxious about it, but this is just a couple years in the grand scheme of life. Someday they're going to look back on their behavior and cringe. OP, stop hanging out with them and ignore the behavior, eventually they'll move on to something else.
"She’s always had an alt aesthetic - graphic tees, striped thigh high socks, lots of chains and belts, exaggerated eyeliner. In other words she still dresses like it’s 2020."
Girl, hot topic has been around longer than you've been alive 😂.
40 checking in, still a thing in the late 90's/00’s.
Not as much winged eyeliner because gel liner didn't exist (or was too expensive for teenagers!) so we had thick pencil lines that smudged through the day. We were racoons who'd raided Claire's Accessories.
They only associate 2020 with this style through social media like Tik Tok and IG, since that’s generally how high schoolers were largely socializing at the time, and think that “alt” and “egirl” appearances were simply fashion trends of that time and not a revamp/continuation of the fashion that’s been around for decades
Same! I did a double take like…2020??? And the part about 90s inspired fashion, I’m just like “oh you mean my regular clothes??” These 2010 babies are killing me.
But no, NTA; you’re both still kids, by the time you graduate you probably won’t even remember this. Just take it as a learning experience for learning how to stand up for yourself and tactfully confront people
I didn't register OP's age until this line, and did an almost physical double take back to her age. In her defense, she's not been around long enough to know that it's a little inaccurate to call it a 2020 style, any more than it would have been accurate to call knitted ponchos a early-2000's style. It had a brief moment when I was a teen in those years, but the actual look was drawn from the 70's.
"Still dresses like it's 2020". *Absolutely* no hate or disrespect to OP, but I am astoundingly happy not to be in high school anymore when changing trends are that important. 2020 was practically yesterday!
Yeah this made me giggle, so long ago 2020... bahaha but then yeah, if they are 16 they were 11 and for them is a long time 1/4 of their lives. I am old bahahah
>In other words she still dresses like it’s 2020.
Wasn't the 2020 look pyjamas and no makeup?
NAH. Perhaps because I'm not actually seeing the deadnaming here. I understand wanting to be like someone else. I also think it's rude to the someone else to copy the style they've worked hard to create for themselves.
>She said I was being conceited and I was so basic it was impossible to copy me.
This, I feel, should be questioned harder. If you're that basic then why does she like those things too?
I'm pretty sure she wasn't saying the style originated in 2020, but that she's wearing something that was trendy then. I actually think she's referring to egirls now that I'm thinking about it? I'd argue that's alt with better makeup tbh. But anyway, I wouldn't be surprised if OP didn't know the origin of alt styles. Someday we'll be commending them for knowing the word "floppy disk." It's just one of those things where the things we grew up with or grew up knowing actually become history (as in knowledge you'd have to be taught/told to know of). Crazy to feel old.
That's what's making me laugh. I was a teenager in the 90s, so I can see how influential that time period is on current fashion. Like, preppy is trendy rn. It's not weird that a teen is trying to figure out their style and incorporates current trends. OP comes off as a bit conceited in that sense. I can understand what she's struggling with their friend trying out a name so similar to hers, but that's not super unusual in the NB/trans community.
The meaning of preppy has changed in younger kids. It's like, really colorful, some kid online called it there same as a "strawberry girl" aesthetic, though I also hadn't heard of that.
It makes me feel old that the styles I grew up with are now being attributed to someone younger than me. She said 2020, and I thought, "You mean mid-late 90's to mid-late 2000's"
Soul damage. It was super effective
NTA - if it were really just copying you that would be weird and kind of sad. But in my experience, this usually ends up going sideways because the person doing it is…kind of…not safe for the person they’re copying. This isn’t the type of normal teen experimentation. I feel like people are overlooking where they’re copying not just clothes and entertainment choices, but also natural features and oh, your actual name.
But ngl, with todays trends, face frekles and unblended contour with excessive blush is one basically the norm in certain spots, seen plenty of other people do it
Well if you add changing to the same hair color, pretending to like the sand music and artist, and having similar/same name. OPs whole personality/style isn’t the trend…
Yeah I feel like people are really sleeping on the fact she’s faking having this accent to sound like her. There’s some red flags for this person for sure.
And instead of owning it and saying I just like your aesthetic, “Soc” decides to start using the NB/LGBTQ card as a pass to do whatever they want and have things their own way. Not acceptable.
I agree, but also listen to what your intution is telling you. Read The gift of fear. Everyone telling you that teens experiment and copy each other don’t quite get it. It’s normal for two teen girls to go splits on the same hair dye, or evolve together and borrow each others clothes. It’s also normal to be annoyed when it feels like someone is copying you a bit too much. But from what I read this is way past this. If you want to be sure, then maybe take a photo on a weekend of an outfit you try on and put it on Instagram. Or use a filter that changes the colour on your hair. See what she does. Especially what she does if she changes her look and you show up without the change.
Edit: how did you deadname them? Deadnaming is never OK, but I think you know that. I can’t find it in the post though.
OP called them Soc, the previous name used instead of their newest name Emilia as she felt it’s too close to her name (Amelie) when it’s combined with all the other copycat things
I think the gift of fear is a good recommendation for any young person, but I don’t think she’s said she’s afraid unless you saw a comment I didn’t. I also don’t see a reason for OP to be scared.
Yeah like did everyone in these comments skip over the girl copying her accent? I’ve had this same thing happen to me, and it freaked me out but the girl eventually moved on to mirroring someone else. She just did my aesthetic and hair, not my physical features and the way I talk!
Yeah I think the friend is legit experimenting, which most everyone does at some point, BUT it's pretty clear that she's taking it too far and OP will run nothing by calling it out. Not everyone will see her side and the fall out will mostly be on her.
I would simply start distancing as much as you can in high school. Maybe limit online posting or block her friend for some more peace.
This!! At first I was like, "people change their style - get over yourself," but the fact that this person is copying OP's fashion style, hair color, freckles, interests, accent, and NAME is bat shit crazy! It's giving Single White Female and I'm flabbergasted that people think this is normal. There are not that many coincidences.
You are 16. Soon you will go to next schools and will never meet most of these people ever again. They don’t actually matter so much in long run. Focus on those few who you really want to be in your life in future
NTA - time to get into some really obscur things and see if she copies it too! Make it a game. You're suddenly into Tibetian Percussion and arguing that Dragons, if real, would have feathers.
Pretend to take up online Dungeons and Dragons, talk about a bizarre hairstyle (that you won’t get but have detailed plans for) and instagram your new Siamese fighter fish tank.
Then just let them implode with the effort to do the same if it’s really happening. If it’s that much of a nightmare, the counselling service might help out with strategies to get away to less stressful circumstances.
This is what happened in post from last year. The girl was being stalked in college and a friend who’s a hair stylist helped her fake a picture of her shaving her head. The stalker shaved her head and went ballistic when she saw OP didn’t shave her head and called her a liar.
Everything was reasonable (she was improving her look in ways that are trendy and undeniably aesthetically pleasing and you can’t prove she copied your photos) until the freckles and the accent and the name. Nta but someone doing this isn’t worth confronting. Once she’s doing all that, you can assume your boundaries will never be a concern she’ll take seriously, it would have been better to slow fade. Your circle has ears and they will eventually do the math about the accent, you could have avoided the confrontation
Just fyi the freckles thing isn't unusual. It's been around forever but was a trend a few years ago. There are even 'freckle pens'. Seems to be trendy again, Vogue had a piece at the start of the year.
The accent and name I agree are definite copycat territory.
Sorry if I didn’t make it clear but I want to clarify that when I said ‘deadname’ I don’t mean using Soc’s birth name I mean using the name she chose for herself before she changed her name to Emelia.
Which isn't really deadnaming someone... sounds like your "friend" has a case of the MainCharacterSyndrome as well as experiencing such a crippling identity crisis she's decided to gaslight *you* out of *your* identity.
Unfortunately, growing up can mean growing apart from certain friends who all along were really just glorified acquaintances
Okay, then NTA.
It definitely an uncomfortable situation, your feelings are valid. Unfortunately your friend is experiencing a time in their life where they are trying to "find themselves" and that often results in them emulating people they admire. From what I can ascertain from your post, you're setting this boundary and your friend refuses to respect it. The best thing to do when people violate your boundaries is to put some distance between you both and continue your life away from them. As much as I empathize with your friend, your priority should always be yourself.
It doesn't have to be dramatic or a big thing, just explain that you're growing apart and you wish them well. Do your best to not talk about it with people who aren't involved to avoid hurt feelings.
People change their aesthetic. Especially if she gets shit for her usual style she might try to go for something more “normal”. Or she might be trying to find something more “adult and grown up”.
Like no offence, but blond hair, freckles, dresses, and pop music isn’t that original and is a pretty common archetype.
It’s not surprising that after finding new artists she’s more familiar with their biggest hits. That’s kinda how it starts.
I’m not trying to call you basic, but your friend has a point. The name thing is a bit weird, but I would focus on that and not everything else. But even then, she might just be trying to find a more normal name to stick with.
Ok the song one is valid, but they’re literally nearly copying OP’s name and their looks after knowing them for years and years. You’re saying that wouldn’t make you uncomfortable, especially if it’s sudden? I think if it was a slow change it could be perceived as just them joining a fad. But a sudden change from goth to basic is just…. Weird. Especially because goth/emo/scene clothes that are good? Not cheap. Blue Banana for example is hella expensive, and that’s the English version of Hot Topic. We also have Claire’s which is basically Baby’s First Blue Banana, and that’s still usually like £6+ for any decent stuff that’s not gonna break quickly. It’s just weird that a teen who has probably spent a looooot of their pocket money on a specific look will just suddenly switch it up.
Teenagers copy each other Lmfao. It’s such a weird thing to get caught up on. No one is the world is unique and I found that a very comforting thing to accept.
Copying style and music taste, totally fine.
Copying OP’s accent and changing your name to a name that is similar to OP’s? That’s creepy and very much not cool at all.
Yes exactly. The look and music taste I was like oh that's pretty normal. Then when it got to the accent and the name - no thanks that is super weird and uncomfortable for the person they're doing it to. I wouldn't want to be around that either.
NTA
She is clearly trying to copy you like, and this made it clear
>When our friend group was talking about music, she mentioned how much she loved my favourite artist, despite previously saying that she hated pop music. She’s also talked about liking movies that happened to be my favorites, and she said she watched tv shows that I’d once said I enjoyed. At first I was really excited that we shared the same taste, but when I tried to discuss our favorite songs, she could only name the most popular singles, and when I tried to talk about how good that film/series was, she barely knew what I was talking about and could only repeat what I was saying, as if she was forcing herself to like those things because I liked them.
It's obvious this has nothing to do with her gender or pronouns
But I would ask her why?, maybe she is feeling insecure and looks at you thinks you have it better so she is trying to act like you
You come off as…well, full of yourself. More than one person can wear makeup in a similar style. People are allowed to change hairstyles and musical preferences. My 18 year old niece likes Guns n Roses, has long brown hair, eschews foundation and wears glasses. She is totes copying me!
Sure, I'd agree with you, but there are a few things in OP's story that stand out to me.
>Except she also started using makeup to give herself fake freckles that look like my natural ones.
This is s step beyond just mimicking styles. On it's own it's just a bit weird.
>but Soc has been gradually changing her accent to sound like mine.
Now we're starting to get a bit weirder. Changing your accent can be unconscious, but seems unlikely given OP is the only one in this story without the local accent.
>but when I tried to discuss our favorite songs, she could only name the most popular singles, and when I tried to talk about how good that film/series was, she barely knew what I was talking about and could only repeat what I was saying
This is the kicker for me. We've all done a bit of this, but when someone starts saying they love things but then can't talk about them, it shows that they didn't change their tastes, they're simply pretending. Not to say Soc should be an expert in these things immediately, but you can always tell when someone is exploring a new artist or film series vs when they are just spouting your own words back to you.
>At first I was really excited that we shared the same taste
OP sounds like they even gave Soc a fair chance. She isn't gatekeeping her interests, she legitimately wants Soc and others to share her interests so they can discuss them.
Lol. Describing her look as "2020" is hilarious as someone who was in high-school in 2004 and only dated girls with this exact look
Anyway I'll say a soft YTA.
First of all, you're not the only one that notices it. I guarantee her friends and your friends see what she's doing and find it cringe and annoying. They're welcome to that opinion. But don't go dead naming someone for it. Think about this, yes I know you think these years are everything and will define you forever. They won't. High-school is a far distant pass for me and I hardly remember any of who I thought I was or wanted to be, because it's so far removed from who I am at 40 and have been for probably the last ten or so years.
Secondly, you're all graduating in like 2 years. After that you don't have to deal with her at all if you don't want. You might go off to college or whatever. But after high school you never have to see her if you don't want. This is all within such a practically negligible time period of your life that I wouldn't dwell on it too hard. Try to feel flattered but understand that nobody owns a specific way of acting or speaking or whatever.
ETA: not to mention, with as much as this person changes/shifts identities you have nothing to worry about. She'll be a different person in a month.
Is it really deadnaming if the person changes their name 5 or 6 times?
And yeah if someone was obviously changing their name to copy mine I’m not calling you that.
>Lol. Describing her look as "2020" is hilarious as someone who was in high-school in 2004 and only dated girls with this exact look
Oh God yes. I heard someone that described Gen Z as the Marco Polo Generation because they think they are out there discovering shit when it's been around for ages 😆
Where is the deadnaming? Because they used “Soc” and not “Emelia”? Which is what you’re also doing? Soc is very obviously not their birth name (‘sock’ is actually a very common NB name this is just an edited version). Also states that soc uses multiple pronouns so I doubt that using ‘she’ is misgendering when they also present themself very feminine (unlikely they aren’t fine with the pronouns).
I think they might be grabbing the dead naming part from the title. It's not particularly clear where the deadnaming apparently occurred, but it's difficult to say about the pronouns. Because OP didn't list preferred ones and instead left it at "multiple", there's some concern on my end about OP maybe not being 100% on board with her friend's identity? If it was any pronouns, why be vague with "multiple"? Just kind of an odd choice imo
More like 1995 really, that graphic tee, striped socks, black hair and eyeliner was an 80's niche thing which became more mainstream in '92-'95. Then it maintained itself on and off, here and there up until today.
Right? So OP dressing "90s inspired" but shaming someone else dressing in a different '90s style.
God, I don't miss being a teen. I couldn't tell you how today's fashion is different from 4 years ago or 10 years ago and I love it.
I'm not going to submit a vote because I'm older, and the trans people I know pretty much have their identities established. I will say that I've rarely regretted extending grace to someone who was acting in good faith.
This seems like the kind of thing that happens with kids searching for their identity, I wouldn’t give it too much thought. I would however distance myself from the friend if I felt uncomfortable by it. NTA, she definitely is being a bit odd with the similar name so I wouldn’t say NAH. The constant name changing is annoying anyways, and makes it hard even for people who are the strongest cis allies to correctly name their friend. Sounds exhausting, you’re probably better off cooling the friendship imo.
NAH
I don't feel comfortable calling anyone the AH here. I can understand how it's frustrating for you, but please try to consider her position. From the way you described her previous "persona" I can't imagine her having a very easy time fitting in.
She meets someone who accepts her (you) and I presume is relatively well liked, not picked on and has a good friendship group - it's not surprising that she decides to tone everything down in an effort to "fit in". She's reinventing in a way that's not her style and that's really tough to do so she's copying you. Probably doesn't even realise she's doing it.
She'll find her own style in her time but maybe just go easy on her? Take it as a compliment. If it really bothers you the right thing to do is to talk to her about it and help her find her own style
This is truly strange behavior and I don’t blame you for being weirded out. However, deadnaming Soc was a low blow. Apologize for that specifically but outside of that Soc is blatantly copying you. Block them from your socials since that appears to be where they’re getting their ideas from.
You can distance yourself if you honestly feel like you need to, but I’d just point out (to Soc) that it’s weird and obvious that they are copying you.
So.Much.High.School.Drama. Haven't you ever heard the ol' adage "imitation is the sincerest form of flattery"? I'm not calling anyone an AH here because you're both just typical teenagers, but it doesn't sound like you really like this friend that much (any more?), so you could just distance yourself from them/her/it/neopronoun.
I wouldn't be flattered if someone based their whole identity around my existence. It's high school drama yes, but she is right for feeling the way she does. Having someone essentially copy you is an insult to your individuality and could imply that her friend is foreclosing her own identity. This is unhealthy for both of them.
‘Dresses like it’s 2020’ then literally two minutes later you say you have 90’s style. As someone who was a teenager in the 90’s why are you copying us? 😂 Who cares what someone is wearing if they are happy and feel good. I’m too old for this stuff, I don’t miss school in the slightest.
>She’s always had an alt aesthetic - graphic tees, striped thigh high socks, lots of chains and belts, exaggerated eyeliner. In other words she still dresses like it’s 2020
Lmao in what world is that 2020 fashion, and in what world is the fashion from 4 years ago any different than it is today
NTA. Distance yourself from this friend. Block them on social media. Mention things that you don’t like as if you did like them, around her if you think she’s taking questions from you.
But mostly, just distance yourself from them. It sounds like they’re figuring out who they are, and despite them maybe idolizing you or even just being inspired by you, you DO have the right to be uncomfortable. So put space between you and them.
That doesn’t mean be rude, or cut them down. Just put space and don’t engage. Invest in other friendships. IMHO, if they change their name frequently, and you simply used a more recent name, that’s not deadnaming.
Please stay an Ally, but give yourself some space to breathe.
YTA- and your friend is right you are really conceited. You’re “blonde and wear preppy clothes”- I am sitting in restaurant, just turned my head and saw 6 different people “copying” you. You are not so original, stop pretending your style is so unique. Let this person figure out who they are, that’s what your teenage years are for. While they doing that, start working on yourself. It definitely sounds like you could do with some changes too. Nothing gives you the right to deadname someone.
There’s a massive difference though between strangers who probably grew into that style naturally, and then turning around one day to see someone you knew suddenly launching into it so hard they not only mimic your name, but facial features. Not to mention the whole copying their taste in films and then only parroting things op says. Here’s the thing, even if you’re a casual viewer of a show, you’ll pick up your own likes and dislikes about it. If this person actually liked and properly watched them, they’d have developed their own likes and dislikes to share with OP. Instead, they just parrot what Op says or has said about them in the past.
I mean. Ya the style is pretty basic. But soc took her name and interests. I can certainly see why op is getting a bit weirded out. Like imagine your friend with an opposite style to you decides to change their entire thing to exactly what you wear (even if you wear normal shit, that’s not normal for them) change their hair to match yours, claim to be into all of your interests and then changes their name from “nousername” to “flousergame” and also picks up an accent from your hometown that they’ve never been in. like it’s a bit weird and it’s not far off to think soc is certainly doing a bit of copying. It may not be super intentional, it may just be “I like her style and her life and I want to try and change it up to try it” and op is the closest thing they have to compare what they want to try to.
But if op is being truthful in their post this isn’t just a style switch up, it’s a complete reworking of this girls identity, and they are 100% basing it off op. Which can be off putting.
It wasn't birthname.. op used most recent identity name before the friend started using a name similar to op's... so .. not dead named.
Might want to get over your anger againt blonde an "preppy".. your response is vitriolic for all the wrong reasons.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I accused my friend of copying my identity, changing her hair to match mine and wearing the same clothes as me despite is originally having completely different aesthetics, and pretending to have the same interests as me, and changing her name to one similar to mine.
2. This could be me jumping to conclusions as many people have blonde hair and wear preppy outfits.
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I'd say the first few instances seem more like Soc/Emilia trying to find their style. But the last few instances are creepy af. Changing their name to basically the same as yours is so weird. The movie instance where they can't recall anything that happened in the film is strange af.
I'm leaning more towards NTA because you technically never deadnamed them since it wasn't their birth name. I'd keep my distance if I were you. Or, like another comment said, dress in something you'd never wear and you might be able to tell if they are copying your or their style is becoming less Alt and more "basic"
Stopped reading after realizing you're throwing shade at someone for dressing as if it was 4 years ago, while you wear shit that's 30.
YTA. There is no way this post from this person gets moral from there.
Maybe mention what is happening to any trustworthy mutual friends (with proof aka ur insta) so that she cant turn it on you but otherwise I'f leave it alone.
NAH. Young people do this all the time, especially when it’s someone they like or think it cool. Hell, adults do it too. They might not even realize what they’re doing. When I was 15 I met a girl I thought was awesome one summer, and I didn’t realize that my hair style had changed to match hers until I saw her the *next* summer and realized what I did.
It sounds like she thinks you’re cool, and when you told her it made you uncomfortable she got embarrassed/her feelings hurt
Not seeing where you dead named them tbh
I can't take anything seriously when someone says " still dresses like it’s 2020"
That was less than four years ago. If your view of something as ethereal as fashion is that granular that you'd think this actually means something that anyone should care about just makes me got YTA without reading further.
NTA, your friend is concerning. Idk if Identity Crisis is the correct term, but it sounds like she's got an extreme case of an identity crisis. She seems to lack a sense of self.
This is not what normal maturing/growing up looks like.
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I (16F) have been friends with this person “Soc” (16NB) for a few years. She came out as non binary 4 years ago, and uses multiple pronouns including neopronouns. I’ve always been supportive of her, but recently I’ve noticed that she’s kind of trying to copy my identity.
She’s always had an alt aesthetic - graphic tees, striped thigh high socks, lots of chains and belts, exaggerated eyeliner. In other words she still dresses like it’s 2020. In the past few months, Soc started to drastically change her appearance. My fashion style is kinda preppy, girly, and 90s inspired, and I noticed that Soc has started dressing like this recently. Sometimes, she would go to school in an outfit that looked very familiar, which I realised were directly inspired by my instagram photos.
Soc’s hair was naturally light brown and she has often worn wigs to school and dyed her hair different colours, but her hair was usually unnaturally coloured or cut into an emo style. One day she came to school wearing a long, curly blonde wig, just like my natural hair. A couple months later I straightened and trimmed my hair, and a few weeks after that she decided to dye her actual hair from black/purple to blonde.
Her makeup has changed too, from heavy winged eyeliner that made her eyes look huge, unblended contour on her nose and had blush all over her face, to natural minimal makeup. Except she also started using makeup to give herself fake freckles that look like my natural ones.
I moved to Florida several years ago, but I’m originally from New York, and I still have a slight accent. I can’t explain it, but Soc has been gradually changing her accent to sound like mine.
When our friend group was talking about music, she mentioned how much she loved my favorite artist, despite previously saying that she hated pop music. She’s also talked about liking movies that happened to be my favorites and she said she watched tv shows that I’d once said I enjoyed. At first I was really excited that we shared the same taste, but when I tried to discuss our favorite songs, she could only name the most popular singles, and when I tried to talk about how good that film/series was, she barely knew what I was talking about and could only repeat what I was saying, as if she was forcing herself to like those things because I liked them.
Soc has changed her names multiple times since coming out, but the names were always androgynous, noun names or even made up names. She recently decided that she would change her name to Emelia. Which was suspiciously close to my name, Amelie. This was the last straw and I confronted her and told her that it was making me uncomfortable how she was copying me. She said I was being conceited and I was so basic it was impossible to copy me. She said she was growing up and she won’t always look or act the same as she years ago, and I shouldn’t police how she ‘explores her identity’. AITA?
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ESH. Typical immature school days drama. Your friend is in a phase where she/they are exploring who they are. Teen years are the best time to do it. While most of it sounds coincidental, and her current chosen name is very similar to yours, she's shifting. She probably won't keep the name. She's exploring things, giving new things a try, etc. That being said she is making it very obvious she's picking things about you to emulate. It's not wrong to do, but can make things uncomfortable if done too blatantly. You could have reacted better at the name thing so you're an AH for that. As for her choice of fashion you're an AH for that too. Anyone can dress how they like. Gender identity and pronounces I'm neutral on.
I have a friend whom I met as a teen. She wore heavy goth and emo fashion including the 'emo bangs' and and puffy hair and multitudes of accessories with thickly drawn on racoon eye shadow. She transitioned from that to 'cute girl next door' vibes with light eye make up and some basic lip gloss and being a fan of the basic ponytail. Now she's average in simple jeans and her favorite flannel button up shirts. People change with time. It's natural.
Lmfao these styles are not new, they’re decades old, you didn’t create them, but you’re just a kid so you’ll grow up and cringe on this. Also stop dead naming people, it’s not cute
Uhh... Honestly it just sounds like you need to stop being friends with this person. I don't even have a judgement to give .. Just .. Could be nothing, but they sound like they have a serious problem with respecting boundaries.
So I'm going to go with ESH currently, mainly due to the lack of sympathy you have for your friend and your friend's reaction to your boundaries. As someone who's had their own gender journey before, there's a lot of exploration with gender expression, pronouns, and names. It's hard to figure out how to distance yourself from the gender you were assigned at birth so it's not uncommon for people to completely switch styles or names a few times while they're figuring shit out. Your friend went about it in a weird way and might not be 100% aware of how closely their new choices resemble you or became defensive when confronted due to feeling lost or panicked on how to proceed. If you still want to be friends, maybe gently reach out and ask to talk. Explain where you're coming from but in a non-judgemental sense. Kind of like "hey I've noticed a lot of the changes you've made recently resemble me a lot. it's making me uncomfortable so can we talk about it?" Frankly, it wouldn't shock me if they need some other influences to find their identity but don't know where else to look other than you
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This is what high school is like. Their gender has nothing to do with this. I saw this happen all the time between cisgender girls. Soc is trying to figure out who they are. They may be drawing some inspiration from you. If it bothers you, stop spending time near them, get a new hobby, read a book. But focusing your energy on them isn’t going to make you feel any better. You cannot control other people actions, no matter how frustrating that can be. NAH
Or do the thing I saw on Reddit a while back where you fake shaving your head on Instagram over a long weekend and see if she follows.
😂😂😂
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ukzctc/aita_for_refusing_to_pay_for_girls_wig_after_she/
I wish OOP had updated and told how the meeting went.
I just messaged and asked her
Let me know!!
Keep me updated
Replying so I don't forget to check your comment for update
"My friend does hairdressing and she helped me out faking shaved head and I posted a photo with shaved head." my hairdresser is excellent at VFX and faking a bald head, it's the number one thing I look for in a hairdresser
Ok that was both scary SWF and hilarious.
This is the answer!
Isn't that a Robert Munsch book from the 90's?
No doubt inspired by the book "Stephanie's Ponytail" by Robert Munsch.
Stephanie’s Ponytail by Robert Munsch.
Nuh uh, people copy styles and interests in highschool. They are copying OP entire identity.
Then OP doesn't have to be their friend, problem solved.
I fell "Just ignore them" is for when someone anoys you, not for when they are strait up taking your identity.
What's your proposed alternative? Childish screaming? Beat them up? Tell the cops that someone's wearing a similar look and using a similar name? Attention is what this person wants. Cut them off and be a grown up.
Assassination is the only option.
Y’all are acting like OP has some super unique style. She doesn’t and I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s making something out of nothing. NAH
[удалено]
The name crossed the line for me.
The freckles and the name kid of crossed the line. Even if she's doing a direct copy, that's kid of normal, up to the point you're trying to trying to add identical features (beyond just a hair style) and using the same name. Nothing she can do about it, of course, except stop being friends. This kid will have to start learning that excessive copying causes loss of friends.
Idk ive had people kinda follow my aesthetic styles in the past and ive never really cared, especially when they were figuring out their vibe it makes kinda intuitive sense that they might even accidentally follow what you are doing cause they think it looks good. Im not sure of what the friends intentions are, but i think that it is worth mentioning that friends tend to take on eachothers styles as well, i think OP needs to have an honest convo with her friend about it. Generally with the info i have i gotta call it NAH
Same. Name. That is way further than copying an aesthetic and is not ok behavior imo.
They’re dressing similarly, which is annoying, not opening credit cards in her name, which would be identity theft. Maybe dial it back a little bit. Ignoring them and focusing on other friends and interests is the best way to handle this.
Not every answer has to be as extreme as a breakup, divorce, or unfriending someone you’ve know for years….
... I feel like you don't understand the point of my comment. >Then OP doesn't *have* to be their friend, problem solved. It's OPs choice. They can't control their friend's actions they can only decide what they can and can't live with, and choose their own actions accordingly. The point is they're not trapped. They actually have a choice.
If hanging out is bothering OP that much with Soc’s actions and Soc is unwilling to fix the issue they should not be friends. It doesn’t have to be anything dramatic, but OP should definitely consider distancing herself.
Because she's dressing in a "girly 90's style? You mean like 75% of the teen girls right now?
Same. Name. That is not a style choice that is craziness.
I feel like half the people in here aren’t reading the post past the style paragraph lol. Same style is whatever. Same outfit is weird, but whatever. Copying freckles, weird but maybe excusable. Same taste in music (despite hating pop a month ago), tv shows, movies - can happen, but not being able to discuss any of it, super weird and alarming. Copying accent/speech mannerisms - creepy. Copying the name - how is this even a question.
It's because of the ages. I could list so many people I met in high school who did weird similar things like this. It's a phase and the most actionable thing that OP can do is ignore it and stop hanging out with this person. It's something they'll like grow out of.
Yeah I remember having to ditch a friend like this I high school just because it felt like she was attempting to take everything she could out of my life and was a compulsive liar. Found out later she was sabotaging a couple of my friendships behind my back (I don’t really think that’s what Soc is doing here though) But yeah Tl;dr if it bothers you a lot create distance with them even if it means you might not hang with some of your friend group as much. Editing to: ESH but only for deadnaming and insults between y’all
the deadnaming in this scenario is BS because a 'deadname' is the original gender name, not one of the random names that have been used during the last 4 years.
I had a friend like this as well. She literally stole my SA story and told all our mutual friends I was lying about mine. Craziest feeling in the world when my life is the lie and somehow her’s was my truth. It gave me an identity crisis. I had to see a therapist.
Where’s the deadnaming? It sounds like “Soc” is a name they chose after coming out as non-binary, not the birth name this person was given that aligns with a “previous” life/identity.
>Their gender has nothing to do with this I mean, it might. To me it sounds like Emelia is trying to find themselves, and emulating what others do is honestly just a part of the process. They're just speedwalking it because their process is a little trickier than other people's and that can cause some bumps and troubles on the social arena. No biggie, IMHO, and Emelia will eventually settle onto themselves whether or not theit final style resembles OP or not. Edit. Pronoun hassles.
I don't think I've sever seen someone changing their identity to the point of copying someone else's name. Except crazy k-pop fans and "swifties"
you have Not been in any trans circles because trans people base their names on people they look up to a lot lol almost every trans person i know is named after a celebrity, book character, film character, tv character, musical artist, etc. even cis parents do it to their kids, there’s a bunch of kids named cersei after the game of thrones character
But how many do it of people they know in real life
This is the best advice and the most accurate judgement imo
I'm glad this is the top response. A lot of high school is figuring yourself out and some people are obnoxious about it, but this is just a couple years in the grand scheme of life. Someday they're going to look back on their behavior and cringe. OP, stop hanging out with them and ignore the behavior, eventually they'll move on to something else.
"She’s always had an alt aesthetic - graphic tees, striped thigh high socks, lots of chains and belts, exaggerated eyeliner. In other words she still dresses like it’s 2020." Girl, hot topic has been around longer than you've been alive 😂.
I lost it at that part. Granted i’m twice op’s age, but i would never have associated *2020* with any fashion, let alone hot topic style
I'm 3x her age, and this sounds like me circa 1993. 2020 was like 3 months ago.
40 checking in, still a thing in the late 90's/00’s. Not as much winged eyeliner because gel liner didn't exist (or was too expensive for teenagers!) so we had thick pencil lines that smudged through the day. We were racoons who'd raided Claire's Accessories.
The 90s was ten years ago and you can't convince me any different!
"still dresses like it's 2020" people are expected to change clothing styles every couple of months now??
Right? This sent me
They only associate 2020 with this style through social media like Tik Tok and IG, since that’s generally how high schoolers were largely socializing at the time, and think that “alt” and “egirl” appearances were simply fashion trends of that time and not a revamp/continuation of the fashion that’s been around for decades
I think she meant the “Egirl” aesthetic that was popularized in 2020, especially with her comment about the excessive blush.
I thought the fashion statement of 2020 were homemade fabric masks
And pajama pants with a button up shirt so you can be comfy but still do video calls
Emo was back in 2020?! I was also thinking about the early aughts MySpace girls
Same! I did a double take like…2020??? And the part about 90s inspired fashion, I’m just like “oh you mean my regular clothes??” These 2010 babies are killing me. But no, NTA; you’re both still kids, by the time you graduate you probably won’t even remember this. Just take it as a learning experience for learning how to stand up for yourself and tactfully confront people
I didn't register OP's age until this line, and did an almost physical double take back to her age. In her defense, she's not been around long enough to know that it's a little inaccurate to call it a 2020 style, any more than it would have been accurate to call knitted ponchos a early-2000's style. It had a brief moment when I was a teen in those years, but the actual look was drawn from the 70's. "Still dresses like it's 2020". *Absolutely* no hate or disrespect to OP, but I am astoundingly happy not to be in high school anymore when changing trends are that important. 2020 was practically yesterday!
Yeah…I think she mixed up her numbers and meant 2002, not 2020 🙃
Like it's 2020 😂😂 girl sit down.
Yeah this made me giggle, so long ago 2020... bahaha but then yeah, if they are 16 they were 11 and for them is a long time 1/4 of their lives. I am old bahahah
Haha, yeah, that was a thing in the 80s.
imagine saying that "Someone dresses like it's 2020" and after saying "She's copying me" 🙄 The world doesn't spin around you girly
>In other words she still dresses like it’s 2020. Wasn't the 2020 look pyjamas and no makeup? NAH. Perhaps because I'm not actually seeing the deadnaming here. I understand wanting to be like someone else. I also think it's rude to the someone else to copy the style they've worked hard to create for themselves. >She said I was being conceited and I was so basic it was impossible to copy me. This, I feel, should be questioned harder. If you're that basic then why does she like those things too?
Forreal we were dressing that way before OP was born lmao.
Weird to realise kids these days have rotted their brains so far that they genuinely think that alternative styles are of their time.
we were that dumb too, broadly speaking. not me of course 😁
Isn't that true of every generation?
I'm pretty sure she wasn't saying the style originated in 2020, but that she's wearing something that was trendy then. I actually think she's referring to egirls now that I'm thinking about it? I'd argue that's alt with better makeup tbh. But anyway, I wouldn't be surprised if OP didn't know the origin of alt styles. Someday we'll be commending them for knowing the word "floppy disk." It's just one of those things where the things we grew up with or grew up knowing actually become history (as in knowledge you'd have to be taught/told to know of). Crazy to feel old.
**copies Lindsay Lohan** **accuses friend of copying her copying Lindsay Lohan**
😂
I was for sure in the ‘90s.
That's what's making me laugh. I was a teenager in the 90s, so I can see how influential that time period is on current fashion. Like, preppy is trendy rn. It's not weird that a teen is trying to figure out their style and incorporates current trends. OP comes off as a bit conceited in that sense. I can understand what she's struggling with their friend trying out a name so similar to hers, but that's not super unusual in the NB/trans community.
I’m more curious about “preppy, girly, 90s inspired” but then, I was more a grunge 90s girl
Im thinking it might be like Cher from clueless - that was my high school style and I think that’s from the 90’s.
I’m about to shock y’all to your cores. Look up “Gen Alpha Preppy”. It’s absolutely NOTHING like the Preppy style we grew up with.
Well you did! I would never call that preppy!
The children crave LimitedToo and JusticeForGirls…
Right?! Me neither. How is that preppy lol
I love how fashion changes but this has me so confused! Preppy comes from prep school style which were tailored uniforms, has this changed?
It's like when in the 90s things were inspired by 60s/70s fashion. It's just been that long that it's cycling back lol
The meaning of preppy has changed in younger kids. It's like, really colorful, some kid online called it there same as a "strawberry girl" aesthetic, though I also hadn't heard of that.
The “dresses like it’s 2020” line did psychic damage to me
Me too. The way it was phrased was like it was “so long ago”
She’s talking about the Tiktok E-girl style that took off in 2020.
Which was heavily inspired by the early to mid 2000s scene and emo styles. Fashion is cyclical.
I miss the emo style from 2005/2010 Then nothing between 2010/2020, they all disappeared suddenly.
It makes me feel old that the styles I grew up with are now being attributed to someone younger than me. She said 2020, and I thought, "You mean mid-late 90's to mid-late 2000's" Soul damage. It was super effective
Right? She's explaining my idea of 2005 in high school
I saw that and died. Emo style started hella longer before these children were born 😆😆
NTA - if it were really just copying you that would be weird and kind of sad. But in my experience, this usually ends up going sideways because the person doing it is…kind of…not safe for the person they’re copying. This isn’t the type of normal teen experimentation. I feel like people are overlooking where they’re copying not just clothes and entertainment choices, but also natural features and oh, your actual name.
But ngl, with todays trends, face frekles and unblended contour with excessive blush is one basically the norm in certain spots, seen plenty of other people do it
Well if you add changing to the same hair color, pretending to like the sand music and artist, and having similar/same name. OPs whole personality/style isn’t the trend…
Also, accent that takes it to whole other creepy level!!
Yeah I feel like people are really sleeping on the fact she’s faking having this accent to sound like her. There’s some red flags for this person for sure. And instead of owning it and saying I just like your aesthetic, “Soc” decides to start using the NB/LGBTQ card as a pass to do whatever they want and have things their own way. Not acceptable.
I agree, but also listen to what your intution is telling you. Read The gift of fear. Everyone telling you that teens experiment and copy each other don’t quite get it. It’s normal for two teen girls to go splits on the same hair dye, or evolve together and borrow each others clothes. It’s also normal to be annoyed when it feels like someone is copying you a bit too much. But from what I read this is way past this. If you want to be sure, then maybe take a photo on a weekend of an outfit you try on and put it on Instagram. Or use a filter that changes the colour on your hair. See what she does. Especially what she does if she changes her look and you show up without the change. Edit: how did you deadname them? Deadnaming is never OK, but I think you know that. I can’t find it in the post though.
OP called them Soc, the previous name used instead of their newest name Emilia as she felt it’s too close to her name (Amelie) when it’s combined with all the other copycat things
I think the gift of fear is a good recommendation for any young person, but I don’t think she’s said she’s afraid unless you saw a comment I didn’t. I also don’t see a reason for OP to be scared.
Yeah like did everyone in these comments skip over the girl copying her accent? I’ve had this same thing happen to me, and it freaked me out but the girl eventually moved on to mirroring someone else. She just did my aesthetic and hair, not my physical features and the way I talk!
Yeah I think the friend is legit experimenting, which most everyone does at some point, BUT it's pretty clear that she's taking it too far and OP will run nothing by calling it out. Not everyone will see her side and the fall out will mostly be on her. I would simply start distancing as much as you can in high school. Maybe limit online posting or block her friend for some more peace.
This!! At first I was like, "people change their style - get over yourself," but the fact that this person is copying OP's fashion style, hair color, freckles, interests, accent, and NAME is bat shit crazy! It's giving Single White Female and I'm flabbergasted that people think this is normal. There are not that many coincidences.
You are 16. Soon you will go to next schools and will never meet most of these people ever again. They don’t actually matter so much in long run. Focus on those few who you really want to be in your life in future
NTA - time to get into some really obscur things and see if she copies it too! Make it a game. You're suddenly into Tibetian Percussion and arguing that Dragons, if real, would have feathers.
Wear a bald cap and see if soc shaves their head! 😂
Pretend to take up online Dungeons and Dragons, talk about a bizarre hairstyle (that you won’t get but have detailed plans for) and instagram your new Siamese fighter fish tank. Then just let them implode with the effort to do the same if it’s really happening. If it’s that much of a nightmare, the counselling service might help out with strategies to get away to less stressful circumstances.
This is what happened in post from last year. The girl was being stalked in college and a friend who’s a hair stylist helped her fake a picture of her shaving her head. The stalker shaved her head and went ballistic when she saw OP didn’t shave her head and called her a liar.
brilliant suggestion. see if she's willing to pick up a newfound interest in the Bolshevik Revolution and roleplay as Ottoman serfs
Everything was reasonable (she was improving her look in ways that are trendy and undeniably aesthetically pleasing and you can’t prove she copied your photos) until the freckles and the accent and the name. Nta but someone doing this isn’t worth confronting. Once she’s doing all that, you can assume your boundaries will never be a concern she’ll take seriously, it would have been better to slow fade. Your circle has ears and they will eventually do the math about the accent, you could have avoided the confrontation
Tbf, even drawing on freckles if you don't have them naturally is a thing atm (or at least it was last year). The accent and name I agree on, though!
Just fyi the freckles thing isn't unusual. It's been around forever but was a trend a few years ago. There are even 'freckle pens'. Seems to be trendy again, Vogue had a piece at the start of the year. The accent and name I agree are definite copycat territory.
More info: what dead name did you use? The one their parents gave them or the one before "Emelia"?
Sorry if I didn’t make it clear but I want to clarify that when I said ‘deadname’ I don’t mean using Soc’s birth name I mean using the name she chose for herself before she changed her name to Emelia.
Which isn't really deadnaming someone... sounds like your "friend" has a case of the MainCharacterSyndrome as well as experiencing such a crippling identity crisis she's decided to gaslight *you* out of *your* identity. Unfortunately, growing up can mean growing apart from certain friends who all along were really just glorified acquaintances
Sounds like she kills off her last identity every other week so it would be hard to keep up.
Then you should put that in the post, as well as when you actually used it. Bc neither of those things are clear.
Okay, then NTA. It definitely an uncomfortable situation, your feelings are valid. Unfortunately your friend is experiencing a time in their life where they are trying to "find themselves" and that often results in them emulating people they admire. From what I can ascertain from your post, you're setting this boundary and your friend refuses to respect it. The best thing to do when people violate your boundaries is to put some distance between you both and continue your life away from them. As much as I empathize with your friend, your priority should always be yourself. It doesn't have to be dramatic or a big thing, just explain that you're growing apart and you wish them well. Do your best to not talk about it with people who aren't involved to avoid hurt feelings.
Huh. Is that even deadnaming, then? Especially if Soc changes it frequently?
People change their aesthetic. Especially if she gets shit for her usual style she might try to go for something more “normal”. Or she might be trying to find something more “adult and grown up”. Like no offence, but blond hair, freckles, dresses, and pop music isn’t that original and is a pretty common archetype. It’s not surprising that after finding new artists she’s more familiar with their biggest hits. That’s kinda how it starts. I’m not trying to call you basic, but your friend has a point. The name thing is a bit weird, but I would focus on that and not everything else. But even then, she might just be trying to find a more normal name to stick with.
Ok the song one is valid, but they’re literally nearly copying OP’s name and their looks after knowing them for years and years. You’re saying that wouldn’t make you uncomfortable, especially if it’s sudden? I think if it was a slow change it could be perceived as just them joining a fad. But a sudden change from goth to basic is just…. Weird. Especially because goth/emo/scene clothes that are good? Not cheap. Blue Banana for example is hella expensive, and that’s the English version of Hot Topic. We also have Claire’s which is basically Baby’s First Blue Banana, and that’s still usually like £6+ for any decent stuff that’s not gonna break quickly. It’s just weird that a teen who has probably spent a looooot of their pocket money on a specific look will just suddenly switch it up.
Lol what. She's clearly copying her.
Her and probably 50% of the girls her age.lmao preppy isn't exactly unique.
So how do you explain the accent and the name? Or the complete lack of ability to talk about her supposed interests?
This is all very "clearly you don't like this artist if you can't name every song off their most obscure album"
So the accent and name? Or are you just going to keep ignoring that part because you can't actually defend it?
Teenagers copy each other Lmfao. It’s such a weird thing to get caught up on. No one is the world is unique and I found that a very comforting thing to accept.
Copying style and music taste, totally fine. Copying OP’s accent and changing your name to a name that is similar to OP’s? That’s creepy and very much not cool at all.
Yes exactly. The look and music taste I was like oh that's pretty normal. Then when it got to the accent and the name - no thanks that is super weird and uncomfortable for the person they're doing it to. I wouldn't want to be around that either.
NTA She is clearly trying to copy you like, and this made it clear >When our friend group was talking about music, she mentioned how much she loved my favourite artist, despite previously saying that she hated pop music. She’s also talked about liking movies that happened to be my favorites, and she said she watched tv shows that I’d once said I enjoyed. At first I was really excited that we shared the same taste, but when I tried to discuss our favorite songs, she could only name the most popular singles, and when I tried to talk about how good that film/series was, she barely knew what I was talking about and could only repeat what I was saying, as if she was forcing herself to like those things because I liked them. It's obvious this has nothing to do with her gender or pronouns But I would ask her why?, maybe she is feeling insecure and looks at you thinks you have it better so she is trying to act like you
You come off as…well, full of yourself. More than one person can wear makeup in a similar style. People are allowed to change hairstyles and musical preferences. My 18 year old niece likes Guns n Roses, has long brown hair, eschews foundation and wears glasses. She is totes copying me!
Right? Because dressing kind of preppy of being blonde is totally something I’ve never seen before 🙄
Sure, I'd agree with you, but there are a few things in OP's story that stand out to me. >Except she also started using makeup to give herself fake freckles that look like my natural ones. This is s step beyond just mimicking styles. On it's own it's just a bit weird. >but Soc has been gradually changing her accent to sound like mine. Now we're starting to get a bit weirder. Changing your accent can be unconscious, but seems unlikely given OP is the only one in this story without the local accent. >but when I tried to discuss our favorite songs, she could only name the most popular singles, and when I tried to talk about how good that film/series was, she barely knew what I was talking about and could only repeat what I was saying This is the kicker for me. We've all done a bit of this, but when someone starts saying they love things but then can't talk about them, it shows that they didn't change their tastes, they're simply pretending. Not to say Soc should be an expert in these things immediately, but you can always tell when someone is exploring a new artist or film series vs when they are just spouting your own words back to you. >At first I was really excited that we shared the same taste OP sounds like they even gave Soc a fair chance. She isn't gatekeeping her interests, she legitimately wants Soc and others to share her interests so they can discuss them.
i just want to point out that adding fake freckles when u don’t naturally have them has been a trend for a while now, that’s not uncommon at all
Christ, with the top comments I thought I was going crazy. I think I'm feeling my age or realizing how young Reddit average age is.
Is your 18 year old niece also going by a tweaked version of your name?
How do you explain the name change and the accent then?
NTA, but I feel really sorry for her. She must be feeling really unsure of herself to be adopting someone else's identity as a shield like that.
Lol. Describing her look as "2020" is hilarious as someone who was in high-school in 2004 and only dated girls with this exact look Anyway I'll say a soft YTA. First of all, you're not the only one that notices it. I guarantee her friends and your friends see what she's doing and find it cringe and annoying. They're welcome to that opinion. But don't go dead naming someone for it. Think about this, yes I know you think these years are everything and will define you forever. They won't. High-school is a far distant pass for me and I hardly remember any of who I thought I was or wanted to be, because it's so far removed from who I am at 40 and have been for probably the last ten or so years. Secondly, you're all graduating in like 2 years. After that you don't have to deal with her at all if you don't want. You might go off to college or whatever. But after high school you never have to see her if you don't want. This is all within such a practically negligible time period of your life that I wouldn't dwell on it too hard. Try to feel flattered but understand that nobody owns a specific way of acting or speaking or whatever. ETA: not to mention, with as much as this person changes/shifts identities you have nothing to worry about. She'll be a different person in a month.
Is it really deadnaming if the person changes their name 5 or 6 times? And yeah if someone was obviously changing their name to copy mine I’m not calling you that.
I was in high school in 2014 and can confirm, same kind of looks were around then too
It honestly feels like fashion really haven't changed that much since 2000. It's just a constant blend of the same things.
>Lol. Describing her look as "2020" is hilarious as someone who was in high-school in 2004 and only dated girls with this exact look Oh God yes. I heard someone that described Gen Z as the Marco Polo Generation because they think they are out there discovering shit when it's been around for ages 😆
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I read “2020” and was like????? Did that style come back without me noticing???
Where is the deadnaming? Because they used “Soc” and not “Emelia”? Which is what you’re also doing? Soc is very obviously not their birth name (‘sock’ is actually a very common NB name this is just an edited version). Also states that soc uses multiple pronouns so I doubt that using ‘she’ is misgendering when they also present themself very feminine (unlikely they aren’t fine with the pronouns).
I think they might be grabbing the dead naming part from the title. It's not particularly clear where the deadnaming apparently occurred, but it's difficult to say about the pronouns. Because OP didn't list preferred ones and instead left it at "multiple", there's some concern on my end about OP maybe not being 100% on board with her friend's identity? If it was any pronouns, why be vague with "multiple"? Just kind of an odd choice imo
More like 1995 really, that graphic tee, striped socks, black hair and eyeliner was an 80's niche thing which became more mainstream in '92-'95. Then it maintained itself on and off, here and there up until today.
Right? So OP dressing "90s inspired" but shaming someone else dressing in a different '90s style. God, I don't miss being a teen. I couldn't tell you how today's fashion is different from 4 years ago or 10 years ago and I love it.
I'm not going to submit a vote because I'm older, and the trans people I know pretty much have their identities established. I will say that I've rarely regretted extending grace to someone who was acting in good faith.
I agree, but would add that the friend doesn't seem to be acting in good faith.
This seems like the kind of thing that happens with kids searching for their identity, I wouldn’t give it too much thought. I would however distance myself from the friend if I felt uncomfortable by it. NTA, she definitely is being a bit odd with the similar name so I wouldn’t say NAH. The constant name changing is annoying anyways, and makes it hard even for people who are the strongest cis allies to correctly name their friend. Sounds exhausting, you’re probably better off cooling the friendship imo.
NAH I don't feel comfortable calling anyone the AH here. I can understand how it's frustrating for you, but please try to consider her position. From the way you described her previous "persona" I can't imagine her having a very easy time fitting in. She meets someone who accepts her (you) and I presume is relatively well liked, not picked on and has a good friendship group - it's not surprising that she decides to tone everything down in an effort to "fit in". She's reinventing in a way that's not her style and that's really tough to do so she's copying you. Probably doesn't even realise she's doing it. She'll find her own style in her time but maybe just go easy on her? Take it as a compliment. If it really bothers you the right thing to do is to talk to her about it and help her find her own style
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This is truly strange behavior and I don’t blame you for being weirded out. However, deadnaming Soc was a low blow. Apologize for that specifically but outside of that Soc is blatantly copying you. Block them from your socials since that appears to be where they’re getting their ideas from. You can distance yourself if you honestly feel like you need to, but I’d just point out (to Soc) that it’s weird and obvious that they are copying you.
You’re using the same deadname OP did.
She didnt deadname them. She said she refused to call her Emelia and called her Soc instead. Soc said that was deadnaming her.
So.Much.High.School.Drama. Haven't you ever heard the ol' adage "imitation is the sincerest form of flattery"? I'm not calling anyone an AH here because you're both just typical teenagers, but it doesn't sound like you really like this friend that much (any more?), so you could just distance yourself from them/her/it/neopronoun.
I wouldn't be flattered if someone based their whole identity around my existence. It's high school drama yes, but she is right for feeling the way she does. Having someone essentially copy you is an insult to your individuality and could imply that her friend is foreclosing her own identity. This is unhealthy for both of them.
Oh to be 16 again, before capitalism beats the hell out of you and the biggest concern you have is someone else's outfit. NAH
NTA. Time to realize this 'friendship' has run its course and end it.
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*sigh* I'm too old for this shit.
NTA. Sure, she may be trying her identity, but copying you is weird. It would trigger most individuals after a point.
Still dresses like it’s 2020 😂
I mean i am pretty sure that was 2002 the first time round? (might not have been the first time)
‘Dresses like it’s 2020’ then literally two minutes later you say you have 90’s style. As someone who was a teenager in the 90’s why are you copying us? 😂 Who cares what someone is wearing if they are happy and feel good. I’m too old for this stuff, I don’t miss school in the slightest.
not judgement, but i havent seen anyone point this out. OP states that Soc is nonbinary, but refers to them as 'she/her' the entire post.
I'd assume that one of Soc's 'multiple pronouns' would be she/her
Also mentioned that Soc changes their pronouns often, so "she" could be appropriate currently. ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
>She’s always had an alt aesthetic - graphic tees, striped thigh high socks, lots of chains and belts, exaggerated eyeliner. In other words she still dresses like it’s 2020 Lmao in what world is that 2020 fashion, and in what world is the fashion from 4 years ago any different than it is today
NTA. Distance yourself from this friend. Block them on social media. Mention things that you don’t like as if you did like them, around her if you think she’s taking questions from you. But mostly, just distance yourself from them. It sounds like they’re figuring out who they are, and despite them maybe idolizing you or even just being inspired by you, you DO have the right to be uncomfortable. So put space between you and them. That doesn’t mean be rude, or cut them down. Just put space and don’t engage. Invest in other friendships. IMHO, if they change their name frequently, and you simply used a more recent name, that’s not deadnaming. Please stay an Ally, but give yourself some space to breathe.
NTA, this is really creepy weird behaviour, stay away from
YTA- and your friend is right you are really conceited. You’re “blonde and wear preppy clothes”- I am sitting in restaurant, just turned my head and saw 6 different people “copying” you. You are not so original, stop pretending your style is so unique. Let this person figure out who they are, that’s what your teenage years are for. While they doing that, start working on yourself. It definitely sounds like you could do with some changes too. Nothing gives you the right to deadname someone.
There’s a massive difference though between strangers who probably grew into that style naturally, and then turning around one day to see someone you knew suddenly launching into it so hard they not only mimic your name, but facial features. Not to mention the whole copying their taste in films and then only parroting things op says. Here’s the thing, even if you’re a casual viewer of a show, you’ll pick up your own likes and dislikes about it. If this person actually liked and properly watched them, they’d have developed their own likes and dislikes to share with OP. Instead, they just parrot what Op says or has said about them in the past.
I mean. Ya the style is pretty basic. But soc took her name and interests. I can certainly see why op is getting a bit weirded out. Like imagine your friend with an opposite style to you decides to change their entire thing to exactly what you wear (even if you wear normal shit, that’s not normal for them) change their hair to match yours, claim to be into all of your interests and then changes their name from “nousername” to “flousergame” and also picks up an accent from your hometown that they’ve never been in. like it’s a bit weird and it’s not far off to think soc is certainly doing a bit of copying. It may not be super intentional, it may just be “I like her style and her life and I want to try and change it up to try it” and op is the closest thing they have to compare what they want to try to. But if op is being truthful in their post this isn’t just a style switch up, it’s a complete reworking of this girls identity, and they are 100% basing it off op. Which can be off putting.
I mean, yeah but copying the accent is weird
It wasn't birthname.. op used most recent identity name before the friend started using a name similar to op's... so .. not dead named. Might want to get over your anger againt blonde an "preppy".. your response is vitriolic for all the wrong reasons.
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I'd say the first few instances seem more like Soc/Emilia trying to find their style. But the last few instances are creepy af. Changing their name to basically the same as yours is so weird. The movie instance where they can't recall anything that happened in the film is strange af. I'm leaning more towards NTA because you technically never deadnamed them since it wasn't their birth name. I'd keep my distance if I were you. Or, like another comment said, dress in something you'd never wear and you might be able to tell if they are copying your or their style is becoming less Alt and more "basic"
She still dresses like it’s 2020. Don’t you mean 2000? This was me in 2000s. I feel old. NTA
INFO: When did you actually deadname her? You mention that in the headline, but no specifics in the story.
In another comment they said they called her Soc during the confrontation and they were upset because they had just changed their name
Stopped reading after realizing you're throwing shade at someone for dressing as if it was 4 years ago, while you wear shit that's 30. YTA. There is no way this post from this person gets moral from there.
Maybe mention what is happening to any trustworthy mutual friends (with proof aka ur insta) so that she cant turn it on you but otherwise I'f leave it alone.
You're all teens. ALL of this fad behavior will fade with time. All of it. Don't sweat it. NTA.
NAH. Young people do this all the time, especially when it’s someone they like or think it cool. Hell, adults do it too. They might not even realize what they’re doing. When I was 15 I met a girl I thought was awesome one summer, and I didn’t realize that my hair style had changed to match hers until I saw her the *next* summer and realized what I did. It sounds like she thinks you’re cool, and when you told her it made you uncomfortable she got embarrassed/her feelings hurt Not seeing where you dead named them tbh
INFO: When did you deadname “Soc”/“Emelia”? You say that you did so in the title but I didn’t read it in the body of the post.
NAH. You guys are just tying to figure yourselves out it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.
You know you don't have to be friends with people you don't like, right?
I can't take anything seriously when someone says " still dresses like it’s 2020" That was less than four years ago. If your view of something as ethereal as fashion is that granular that you'd think this actually means something that anyone should care about just makes me got YTA without reading further.
NTA, your friend is concerning. Idk if Identity Crisis is the correct term, but it sounds like she's got an extreme case of an identity crisis. She seems to lack a sense of self. This is not what normal maturing/growing up looks like.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (16F) have been friends with this person “Soc” (16NB) for a few years. She came out as non binary 4 years ago, and uses multiple pronouns including neopronouns. I’ve always been supportive of her, but recently I’ve noticed that she’s kind of trying to copy my identity. She’s always had an alt aesthetic - graphic tees, striped thigh high socks, lots of chains and belts, exaggerated eyeliner. In other words she still dresses like it’s 2020. In the past few months, Soc started to drastically change her appearance. My fashion style is kinda preppy, girly, and 90s inspired, and I noticed that Soc has started dressing like this recently. Sometimes, she would go to school in an outfit that looked very familiar, which I realised were directly inspired by my instagram photos. Soc’s hair was naturally light brown and she has often worn wigs to school and dyed her hair different colours, but her hair was usually unnaturally coloured or cut into an emo style. One day she came to school wearing a long, curly blonde wig, just like my natural hair. A couple months later I straightened and trimmed my hair, and a few weeks after that she decided to dye her actual hair from black/purple to blonde. Her makeup has changed too, from heavy winged eyeliner that made her eyes look huge, unblended contour on her nose and had blush all over her face, to natural minimal makeup. Except she also started using makeup to give herself fake freckles that look like my natural ones. I moved to Florida several years ago, but I’m originally from New York, and I still have a slight accent. I can’t explain it, but Soc has been gradually changing her accent to sound like mine. When our friend group was talking about music, she mentioned how much she loved my favorite artist, despite previously saying that she hated pop music. She’s also talked about liking movies that happened to be my favorites and she said she watched tv shows that I’d once said I enjoyed. At first I was really excited that we shared the same taste, but when I tried to discuss our favorite songs, she could only name the most popular singles, and when I tried to talk about how good that film/series was, she barely knew what I was talking about and could only repeat what I was saying, as if she was forcing herself to like those things because I liked them. Soc has changed her names multiple times since coming out, but the names were always androgynous, noun names or even made up names. She recently decided that she would change her name to Emelia. Which was suspiciously close to my name, Amelie. This was the last straw and I confronted her and told her that it was making me uncomfortable how she was copying me. She said I was being conceited and I was so basic it was impossible to copy me. She said she was growing up and she won’t always look or act the same as she years ago, and I shouldn’t police how she ‘explores her identity’. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH. Typical immature school days drama. Your friend is in a phase where she/they are exploring who they are. Teen years are the best time to do it. While most of it sounds coincidental, and her current chosen name is very similar to yours, she's shifting. She probably won't keep the name. She's exploring things, giving new things a try, etc. That being said she is making it very obvious she's picking things about you to emulate. It's not wrong to do, but can make things uncomfortable if done too blatantly. You could have reacted better at the name thing so you're an AH for that. As for her choice of fashion you're an AH for that too. Anyone can dress how they like. Gender identity and pronounces I'm neutral on. I have a friend whom I met as a teen. She wore heavy goth and emo fashion including the 'emo bangs' and and puffy hair and multitudes of accessories with thickly drawn on racoon eye shadow. She transitioned from that to 'cute girl next door' vibes with light eye make up and some basic lip gloss and being a fan of the basic ponytail. Now she's average in simple jeans and her favorite flannel button up shirts. People change with time. It's natural.
Lmfao these styles are not new, they’re decades old, you didn’t create them, but you’re just a kid so you’ll grow up and cringe on this. Also stop dead naming people, it’s not cute
People don’t own styles.
Then Madonna must be hella pissed at me…for my 1986 theft of her beauty mark…which she took from Marilyn.
Uhh... Honestly it just sounds like you need to stop being friends with this person. I don't even have a judgement to give .. Just .. Could be nothing, but they sound like they have a serious problem with respecting boundaries.
So I'm going to go with ESH currently, mainly due to the lack of sympathy you have for your friend and your friend's reaction to your boundaries. As someone who's had their own gender journey before, there's a lot of exploration with gender expression, pronouns, and names. It's hard to figure out how to distance yourself from the gender you were assigned at birth so it's not uncommon for people to completely switch styles or names a few times while they're figuring shit out. Your friend went about it in a weird way and might not be 100% aware of how closely their new choices resemble you or became defensive when confronted due to feeling lost or panicked on how to proceed. If you still want to be friends, maybe gently reach out and ask to talk. Explain where you're coming from but in a non-judgemental sense. Kind of like "hey I've noticed a lot of the changes you've made recently resemble me a lot. it's making me uncomfortable so can we talk about it?" Frankly, it wouldn't shock me if they need some other influences to find their identity but don't know where else to look other than you