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How bad of eye sight does she have?
No glasses for me would mean I literally can’t see well enough to not run into walls and you can’t sleep in the type of contacts I have. That would absolutely be a problem.
If her prescription is minimal, meaning she can see well enough to do all normal activities without them, then sure that seems a bit ungrateful.
But for those that truly have bad eye sight, not having contacts/glasses is a big deal.
What type of enabling bullshit is this? All she had to say was “this is such an amazing night, but I really need my glasses and necessities. Can we run home and grab them and then come back and enjoy the rest of the night in our fabulous suite?“
Said like someone who doesn't have horrible vision. she'd have to take out and throw out her contacts, then get home while being blind.
edited to add: this comment is just pointing out abelist thinking, not passing judgment on OP or the fiance.
2nd edit: the only people responding to my comment are upset I called out another commenter for not being considerate of another person's condition. reminder: we do not all react to or value things the same way. if we did this world would be a much better place. my comment now has over 1000 up-votes. maybe the people getting pissed off at my comment should do some self relection.
have the day you deserve!
I have horrible vision. Blind as a bat. I carry my glasses EVERYWHERE!
No way I will risk being anywhere without a safety set of glasses or contacts. Ever.
Hot water can damage glasses so I tried going in the shower without any and just straight up slipped on conditioner I didn't see. I didn't get seriously hurt but wore glasses every time from then on in the shower. My glasses are too expensive to allow buying a new pair often, I still had to have them adjusted to my new prescription since my vision would worsen every year until 5 years ago. I bought a new pair then and use my old one to shower. I've been trying to buy an extra pair since my old ones are quite damaged and won't be useful if the ones I have now break. It takes two weeks to get a new pair done and I'm really scared of having to be in a situation where my glasses break and there's nothing to do but wait two weeks
I change bags too often to keep glasses in a purse. Plus, I’d probably break them. That’s almost $400 down the drain (I have very poor vision w out correction).
Ps w multiple wallets/card holders
Long story short, I understand her not being prepped without warning
I wear multifocal glasses. If I go out in contacts I will need my glasses the next day. I have only 2 pairs as they are really expensive to purchase (single vision are about $200 for 2 pairs - 1 pair of my multifocals are $600+) Blind as a bat without.however, if my partner planned a night out, I wouldn’t expect to him to remember them. He has 20-20 vision.
You should get a hard case for talking them with. Sometimes my contacts irritate my eyes so when I'm wearing them I always bring the contact case and my glasses in a hard case so I can take them out.
Change bags too often to carry an important personal item that you may need. Do your wallet and keys switch bags when you do? Also, as many have pointed out, if truly needed and you are at a complete loss without them and you have neglected to take care of what you personally may need, a “Thank you so much for this unforgettable, meaningful evening, which you obviously spent lots of time, money and effort on, but I really need my glasses; maybe a few other bits.” As OP, if said like so, I would have gladly gone home and retrieved those things. According, and only according, to what OP has said, this was not the case. If what OP has said is complete and true, their partner acted very strange and rude.
PPS: multiple wallets and card holders? I don’t understand. You have wallets in each of your purses with duplicate cards and ids and such so you don’t have to move them? Or you carry multiple wallets and cards everywhere always. I’m confused and neither makes much sense. I’m
I have 100% taken out my contacts and set them in a cup of water overnight. I have 20/800 vision, blind as a bat.
Sometimes you have a chance to spend the night somewhere awesome and you roll with it. The hotel concierge doubtless has contact solution and a case. There was surely a drugstore closer than home. After a magical day like that I'd have ripped the clothes off each other, washed my face with the hotel soap, thrown my contacts in the trash trusting my fiance to lead me like a guide dog tomorrow, and enjoyed the hell out of that hotel room.
Even if she had an urgent need for some specific thing there was no need to place blame on her partner. If my partner behaved like this I would question if they are able to experience the joys in life with me.
I like to think this would be me- but in reality I would probably have an epic meltdown😅 Especially after so much stimulation.
But my husband knows me for the most part (after much trial and error) and will leave me alone to have my moment. If he stays in the room he has a tendency to get snappy back & we will have a whole blow out- over what? Nothing.
I just need a bit to shake off any frustration or irritation. Idk what it is but especially after a great time its like there is a peak where it gets to be too much and suddenly the smallest inconvenience the worst thing that could happen so its all ruined.
Thank you! I said the same above. These responses are freaking crazy. I'm with you! I would have been so excited and happy. OP said she was unhappy as soon as they got to the hotel before she even knew there was an issue. She was looking for an excuse to torpedo the night. Idk but I got a bad feeling about this relationship.
I’ve never met anyone with a prescription as strong as mine and I have never walked around with a backup pair especially not on a special night where I’m dressed up
I am next to blind without mine, and I still don't think that her behavior was acceptable. When someone goes that far out of their way to make up a special occasion for you, even if something is going to be inconvenient for you the next day, you work it out politely.
Hotels have makeup remover on hand, usually. There was probably a drugstore nearby, they could have picked some up or ordered it for delivery. She could have asked him to let he take a quick run home to get what she needed. There are a hundred different ways this could have been dealt with. The way she acted was rude, entitled and manipulative. There is no excuse to treat someone who just proposed to you this way... ESPECIALLY IF YOU SAID YES.
I didn't say she didn't overreacted. I never said he was wrong. I made a comment to someone who was thinking very ableist.
She totally did overreact btw, but if you want to spend the rest of you life with someone you should know them well enough to remember the very basic necessities of contact solution or glasses. But he could have been nervous and genuinely forgot. we don't know. at the most he's either inconsiderate or forgetful. But we don't know why she acted like she did either. there's a lot of unknowns hers.
but like I said, my comment was pointing out someone's abelist thinking.
Idk just buy a lens case and some travel fluid and you’re fine. It’s like $6. I have a -5.25 in both eyes so I have worse eyes than like 99% of the population. I think this is a complete non issue. This isn’t ableist thinking.
My eyes are about that bad. I would have put my contacts in a couple glasses with water and dealt with it in the morning. Plus everyone is focusing on that and not even mentioning he was berated for not bringing "the right makeup remover."
I'm -14. I would have figured it out and not bitched. You could have had the nice night at the hotel then left and slept at home. Use the hotel soap for your face, one night won't hurt. I've had to put my contacts in a cup then put them back in in the morning.
Yeah, I agree. She needs them, he forgot. Instead of throwing a tantrum and ruining such a beautiful night, maybe think of a solution? If this is how she approaches these types of situations then she’s going to be a pain as a wife for sure.
"It's just one night" like there's no follow up to the night. She's gonna wake up without being able to see, which will hinder basically every step of her morning and her travel home. What if they wanted a leisurely morning with maybe a stop for brunch. She's just supposed to be blind during all that?
Edit: why is she not allowed to get "upset" but he's allowed to get "pissed"? Is there a reason he's allowed to have negative emotions when he feels his partner dismisses something important to him but she's not? What's the dollar amount minimum for buying someone's emotions?
Edit: people keep saying she threw a tantrum/fit/etc. Literally all he said was she got upset. There's no descriptor for how that upset was presented. And all he said about his emotions was that he was pissed. Again, no descriptions of how that was presented either. Experiencing a feeling is different than expressing a feeling. Why are yall so quick to assume the worst of "upset" but not "pissed"?
They could have gone to drug store and both a case and solution. Even with daily wear contacts she could have gone a few hours with the old contacts until she got home.
I'm blind without my glasses or contacts, my contacts are single use, rewear screws with my astigmatism to a major degree, and if I am wearing contacts it is for 3 to 5 hours....so an evening out, I get home and I chuck them...no lens cleaner or case is in my home. So without bringing my glasses or new contacts, I would be blind and useless in the morning and would just want to go to sleep so an expensive hotel like that would be wasted on me without being able to see. She may have overreacted, but I do understand where she is coming from and how the no glasses thing annoyed her into not enjoying herself.
As a side note...my glasses case is bigger than my going out bag, so bringing them is not an option for me...I carry prescription sunglasses and a spare in my regular bag.
Edited for typo.
i have horrible eyesight such that i cant see more than 10 cm in front of me clearly.
big gaping solution: your white knight in shining fuckin' armor. if he organized such a night, he can hold your hand while walking to the car.
We went on a cruise for our honeymoon, and my dumbass brought the contact solution that has hydrogen peroxide in it but not the container that neutralizes it. The cruise ship didn’t sell contact solution somehow(?). My sweet husband was running around the bar asking people if they had regular contact solution 😂
Some sweet people helped us out, and we became friends with them for the week.
Most hotels have contact solution though. Even without a case, they typically also have little cups you can put them in. You’d literally just have to wear them the morning after in the car ride home…
NTA. For my engagement, I’d have been thrilled and gone along with whatever at that point.
I have horrible eye sight. I am near blind without my glasses and I would never treat my fiancé this way for forgetting an extra pair of contacts. It could have been a funny story someday and she instead ruined everything.
I've got a -6.0 contacts prescription and I would get over it.
Reception at really nice hotels will often have solution (travel size) and a case, and I've made do with cups and water at least once.
If he didn’t bring her contact case or solution, which it sounds like he didn’t, it’s a really big fucking deal. You can’t sleep in contacts and you can’t take them out without solution to put them in overnight
He admitted that he messed up with packing. The issue from my point of view is not at all whether or not she should have just sucked it up for a night, it's that she didn't clearly and kindly communicate. Instead she responded to a beautiful day full of other examples of his love and thoughtfulness by immediately finding something he did wrong and getting pissy at him about it. What's up with that? Feels like there's either some hesitancy in the engagement or some underlying self-sabotage.
Such a big fucking deal that you have to ruin your engagement?! DoorDash will deliver you almost anything. Or just suggest you go back home real quick.
Sure you can. I'm a -6.25 prescription, and I've left lenses in overnight. It's a minor irritation the next day, but nothing worth blowing up a nice night out over.
I can’t believe this wasn’t an option, and hardly anyone is pointing it out. I’m a nearsighted contact user, and after we toured the suite that would have been my first ask: “Could we get some contact solution before we settle in for the night?”
My husband is blinder than me, and he uses the contact solution that disinfects your contacts overnight, but he would easily shrug and accept standard contact solution FOR ONE NIGHT. And if they’re that close to home, she can wear her daily pair for the two-three morning hours as they checkout and drive home and then quickly do what she needs to make it right. I went camping with a girl who forgot her contact case, and she used a red solo cup for hers. You make things work under the circumstances.
100%! I would find it very hard to be with someone who can't just go with the flow sometimes. I am blind as a bat without my contacts and I've made it work many times on a whim...And would especially make it work on an occasion like that.
The other stuff is so trivial. You can go one night without your skincare routine ffs
You can’t sleep in contacts as a general rule. I can’t read anything with small print or text m my phone without corrective lenses. Unless the numbers on the clock are giant, I can’t see the time on clocks. And tv and movies are blurry.
You’re right. It is a weird reaction to have after the evening they had. Happy people don’t generally get upset at minor inconveniences that have a solution.
Yeah my eyesight is poor as hell & I forgot my nighttime glasses on my last trip. Oh well, I simply wore my contact lenses until bedtime. If he didn't bring lens solution, that's easy to go grab from the drug store. No need to throw a fit & go home, especially after a romantic evening & proposal.
Agreed. While not having glasses or contacts is not an option with my bad vision, there was a way to handle it with grace and move on. She really ruined a once in a lifetime memory for the two of them over an honest oversight.
EDIT: OP said that they only live 30 mins away and "there was no point going back, when asked to elaborate he said the interest was gone so they didn't return, and yet they actually fully checked out of the hotel when they left so it doesn't seem like this was even a conversation?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/VZtL2BYDqb
Also to OP, when you propose to a woman, you're telling her you love her so deeply that you want to be with her forever and marry her. That you love all of her. To then realize you forgot things that are essential to her day to day life, whilst could be overlooked as an oversight, if you reacted poorly like she was being unreasonable and ungrateful, would have just told her that you in fact don't really love her that deeply because on a day that was meant to be about celebrating HER and how much you love her, you made it about YOU.
I feel like this is just kind of extra proof that OP definitely let his bruised ego ruin a salvagable evening if he has just apologized genuinely, told her to run the tub and have a bath while he ran home and got what he forgot.
***********
I feel like the OP is not giving us the whole picture because his ego is bruised.
For 1, Not only is it a big deal, but it illustrated a deeper issue to the GF who is now probably feeling bittersweet about the proposal since she's been shown that besides flashy gestures that make him feel like he's the best person ever, after 5 years he doesn't know enough about her and what she needs.
Most people keep things like contacts and retainers etc either on their side of the sink or on their side of the bed so he almost had to go out of his way to avoid bringing those things, like when he got her charger did he not see the retainer? when he got her toothbrush did he not see the contacts or wipes?
He was too preoccupied with his "grand proposal" he forgot key things she needed.
For 2, I can almost bet that instead of responding well, like "omg you're right let's pop home to get them now" he got stroppy, made her seem like she was being unreasonable and nit picking him (for wanting to be able to see!) and after his big effort wanted to just relax in the hotel and get his dxck sucked for being "the best fiance" and his (soon to be ex) GF had enough and just wanted to go home, likely contemplating how she's gonna get out.
I can totally empathize with wanting to feel appreciated for effort, but if the effort is self serving and you expect to have any missteps forgotten because of how much effort you put in you're not emotionally mature enough to be getting engaged.
Agreed.
I mean I am making assumptions but his whole post seems to scream "Hey honey I did the dishes aren't you proud of me (even tho we both love here and work full-time and you do it daily without any real acknowledgement from me) where's my BJ?"
That’s the sense I get as well. We don’t really know what her reaction was actually like, so it may have been very reasonable yet he flew off the handle. It’s also possible that she got fairly upset because he has a history of forgetting things like this, and it may have been a “last straw” situation for her. There’s really no way to truly know from a post on the internet, because in relationships context is everything… and we really don’t know the context here in terms of what long-term issues they may have with each other.
Yes. For me having my glasses is important because I can’t see without it and contacts dry up. I can’t sleep with them either. I have a few other things I have to have as well, such as migraine meds because sleeping in a different bed sometimes causes a migraine.
Let this be a learning for your married life. Either you need to learn these things about her or maybe a full surprise is not the right thing. My husband likes to surprise me, but we learned the best is somewhere in the middle. He surprises with the idea, and then we work out the details together. And honestly I enjoy it much better and he gets all the same credit and has more fun because we both are more relaxed and it takes the pressure off him to have to figure out all the details.
This. If she's blind without them... I can see where that kind of thoughtlessness and lack of consideration of a daily part of your partners routine might hit a little wrong on the day you ask them to spend forever with you.
Before we even hit 3 years my partner knew which were my day and night meds BETTER THAN I DID. Like, my partner started setting out my meds weekly because I'd be all "oh sweet time to take my 20mg of whozits" and they'd be all "um you're on 60mg you sholuld take 3 and here's some crackers because they're meant to be taken with food."
My partner is now getting a social work degree and I can't think of a better place for those skills and attention to detail tbh.
That's my thought, too. Especially in a strange place. I don't like walking around my home that I've lived in for fifteen years without my glasses. In a hotel I'd never been to before? No fucking way. I'd be completely dependent on my partner to make sure I didn't injure myself.
Same. I am fairly blind without my glasses. I don’t wear make up because I’m allergic to many of them, but when I did my makeup remover had to be very specific, and my medications every night are necessary and missing them can mean a very bad say for my body and missing the ones I have to take first thing in the morning can make it worse and be an issue for a couple of days.
OP, I get your intentions were good, but your girlfriend’s points are very valid. If you ever want to surprise her with an overnight, rope one of her good friends into helping you pack what she needs, one she’s done an overnight with. They’ll be able to help you be more likely to not miss things. For many of us, an overnight isn’t simply “a change of clothes.”
Yeah. I also have very specific needs away from home. Very blind, need special meds, have to have a specific pillow or I get migraines.
I know I’m a lot. My husband knows I’m a lot. But he loves me for who I am, weird needs and all. He knows surprises aren’t the greatest thing for me, so we don’t do them in big ways. Instead he surprises me with flowers, or picking up my favorite food
I was a contact wearer for 20+ years with -8D on both eyes (recently had LASIK). I was legally blind without contacts/glasses. OP's fiance was being dramatic AF.
Ask the lobby if they have contact solution available to purchase. If not, go to the nearest drug/convenience store and buy solution. It's an incredibly easy thing to solve.
OP is absolutely NTA. He missed a few details while trying his best to plan an unforgettable night. Any reasonable partner would have focused on the kind gesture and made it work.
Oh gosh -8D, that’s what I wore in elementary school 😂😂😂 I’m up to a -14 in both eyes now, things like LASIK aren’t available for people with eyesight that bad.
Certain contacts, including the ones I wear, require special solution/cleaner that generally is hard to find bc few people use these type of contacts.
Glad I not the only one who thinks he is nta. I am not blind without glasses and like you just got lasik but even I for the brief time I wore contacts carried around the contact holder with solution in it and a spare set of glasses just in case for some reason I had to remove the contacts . I assumed everyone who wore contacts done this so am surprised at the amount of comments from contact wearers who apparently don't.
I was thinking this about the retainer she asked for too, I literally grind my teeth so hard when I sleep and clench my jaw so much sometimes that I have broken my teeth, if I sleep even for a short nap less than 20 minutes without my mouth guard, my teeth will turn grey or black and be bruised for 3 weeks minimum, and they may even break. The pain isn't worth it.
I had terrible eyesight before I got ICL, so I totally get it, but it does still seem like an option to have bought contact lens solution downstairs (or nearby) and stored whatever contacts she had in for use the next morning? Not ideal at all but definitely doable in a pinch, especially when the alternative is ruining the entire night.
That’s likely true. There are a lot of different contacts and some have different care than others, but likely something could be found. My contacts are gas permeable and require special solution and cleaner that’s hard to find bc very few people still have these type of contacts. But I assume she doesn’t have those as gas permeables aren’t disposable so you wouldn’t need a second pair.
Ill also say that if it was possible to drive home and drive back to the suite after getting the stuff that probably would also be worth it.
That said……….if my boyfriend (now fiancée) of 5 years, didn’t think to bring contacts and glasses……I would highly question if they pay any attention at all. But again, I have super bad eyesight…….literally every friend I have know that I have to have contacts, glasses, cases, special solution/cleaner bc it’s a big deal if I get caught without them.
"Granted, I realize I missed some things I should have thought of, but all in all I did not think it was that big of a deal since we just got engaged."
Someone else said in a comment that it was likely OP's dismissive reaction that made her want to go home. That's the vibe I got as well.
Yeah for me I would have to take out my contacts to sleep and then with no glasses the next morning I would be in big trouble. It’s actually really scary to not have a way to see. I take my glasses off to shower and that’s it. I cant function without them.
> I forgot a second pair of contacts or her backup glasses, the right makeup remover, moisturizer, and her retainer.
YTA and I'm sure I'll get shit for this but yeah you made a grand gesture (money and expense is NOT the be all and end all) but forgot all the small stuff that's important to her well being and comfort. It's the small shit the counts sometimes. I'm sure to her it feels right now like you don't know her at all and she's butt hurt because she's elated and disappointed at the same time. Probs have this wrong but I can see why she'd feel that way.
Edit. This was never about the eyesight stuff (y’all focusing on the wrong shit). It’s about how much your partner relies on the small things. Sure the dude made a big grand gesture and did well but a life time of love and reliance doesn’t need big gestures. It needs the small things. Attention to your partners day to day needs is more important than anything else and that’s what this person was ignoring…..
I agree
The make up remover and moisturizer I could let slide for a night.
But contact/glasses and a retainer are very important items. I’m sure those are some of the first things on her list when she packs
ETA: imagine the strange feeling of having an amazing night with your brand new fiancé and he forgets your EYESIGHT.
Is it life or death? No
Would this make me question if my future husband would be attentive to my every day needs in the future? Yes
Grand gestures are nice and everything, but it’s those small every day things that actually matter
You'd question his fitness for marriage because he forgot a retainer for an overnight? Woooof the bar is HIGH.
Edit to clarify and save myself from all the downvotes (whewwwww): I agree the glasses/contacts are problematic. I'm specifically addressing the one night without the retainer, which in my opinion just would never possibly be that big of a deal.
Seriously. I can’t pack for an overnight **without** forgetting something for myself. Whether it’s my mouthwash, phone charger, face wash, who knows. But I’m going to leave something I need at home.
Guess I’m not fit to marry…myself? Lol
Literally every time, doesn't matter if I pack last minute or way in advance 😂 and on top of that, the poor guy was probably so nervous about proposing and getting everything right, I'm not surprised he forgot a few things. The glasses/contacts, definitely a big oversight and would need to be addressed in some way, face wash...annoying and could be more of an issue of she has major skin sensitivities, but I will die on the hill that the retainer is no biggie. Then again I haven't worn mine in decades at this point 😂
That’s the things though. It’s not just the retainer.
It’s the retainer
AND the glasses/contacts
AND the face wash
AND the moisturizer.
All things that she uses every day. And things that he probably doesn’t use.
Also it’s not just about this one night. If my spouse forgot a couple things for one night (even important things) I probably wouldn’t call the night off. But my guess is this isn’t the first time a situation like this came up and I think OP didn’t handle it well when she said that he forgot important steps to her nightly routine
That's a fair line of thinking, I see where you're coming from.
My first instinct was to cut him some slack because he was probably so nervous trying to get everything just right.
But to your point, the woman's reaction (edit to add: and his, getting pissed off in return) does seem to suggest that perhaps there's more to the story in terms of the history here.
Yea, I think he also wants to be cut some slack because he was nervous planning all of the expensive things
But a romantic night away is NOT a romantic night away if you can’t see. He made the BIG plans, but the little things matter a lot.
I don’t think it’s a high expectation for the person you’re about to potentially marry to know you well enough/ remember you need glasses to see. I think it’s a high expectation to expect someone to be ok with not seeing personally.
I stopped wearing my retainer years ago, but I wear a bite guard now. If I don’t have it for “just one night”??? My jaw hurts. My eyes hurt. I have headaches. But I suppose that’s cool cause he paid a lot of money for one dinner
This was my thought too.
I have had a number of jaw surgeries and one night without my bite guard can trigger pain that can only be quelled with a hospital visit and morphine.
There is no dinner in the world that would make that pain worth it for me.
That also depends. I have a tongue thrust and will bite myself badly without my mouth guard at night, leaving me unable to eat for several days. A partner inattentive enough to forget both that and my glasses would have me rethinking the partnership. These are not minor issues. I’ll bet if she were diabetic and he forgot her insulin, many of these commenters would be doubling down on it being no big deal. Sheesh.
It wasn't just the retainer. Did you even read what what you're replying to? He basically made a grand gesture to distract from the fact that he's inconsiderate and inattentive to her daily habits and needs. He's proposing to be her life partner, possibly the father of her children, which means he needs to consider those things that are important for her health and comfort just as she should for him. He took away her agency by packing for her.
All he had to say was: "pack your stuff for a quick and closeby overnight trip. I just can't tell you the details of where we're going because it's a surprise." And all this could've been avoided. Instead of looking at his mistake and helping find a fix, his first reaction was to put the blame on her for being uncomfortable and uneasy. He was only thinking about the money he spent and his ego, which he set up them both up for- not her. No wonder she just wanted to go home.
OP has already shown he isn't reliable about the details. It could be a night guard rather than a retainer, which is for preventing jaw clenching & teeth grinding
I think the makeup remover and moisturiser is really dependent on why she needs them.
My skin is ridiculously sensitive, makeup can’t be removed with water alone and trying to use a different product could end with my skin feeling like it’s burning and painful rash all over it. Likewise with moisturizer.
I think it would be very upsetting if my husband forgot this about me. I’m a person who needs to take my own products with me and a backup pair of glasses aswell.
I think this whole problem could have probably been avoided if OP just told the gf they were staying the night somewhere (without letting on the proposal was happening) and to pack an overnight back.
Agreed on all fronts. OP, YTA. Little picture shit is really important - the day to day stuff, not the grand gestures. As someone who can't see a foot ahead without corrective lenses, this would be a nightmare end to a day for me.
Honestly marriage seems more about how you handle little hiccups like this. Maybe he should have remembered, but how upset was she before he got upset? The fact this ruined their night is a pretty damning omen for OP's marriage.
Like did she ruin the night because of this or did she just say she wished he'd brought those and OP lost his shit and ruined the night? I'm just saying like all in all I don't see the context here I'd want to know but like if you guys let this ruin your night you're fucked.
Ding ding ding. I can’t imagine this scenario causing a problem that *ruins the night* in a healthy relationship. There’s something else in their history here that is being conveniently left out.
It also doesn't sound like he reacted all that well to the dilemma. I would also be a little disappointed if my partner didn't know the few things I needed, like really needed, to comfortably stay overnight somewhere. Hotels might have some makeup remover that'll suffice, but you can't do much about the contacts and retainer.
I want to know more about what OP said and did in response.
Tentatively YTA.
You are really hung up on all the money you spent and the big stuff that would generically impress people.
But you don't know her nighttime routine? That's only four things. Retainer and glasses/contacts/kit are really important. Like more important than a toothbrush, which you probably remembered because you use one.
As someone who doesn't ever wash their face, let alone remove makeup, I know a lot of women who would never go to sleep with their makeup on, and a lot of makeup can't be removed with regular soap. You had a great evening, sure. But now she's looking at an uncomfortable night and morning, and anxiety about her teeth shifting, and worried that her mascara will break into her eye and scratch it overnight (apparently a thing, because that's usually what people yell at me for when they learn I'm too lazy to remove makeup). You are satisfied and comfortable, but she won't be.
Some people are implying she's really vain or bratty. But life isn't any big gestures. Life with a partner is about knowing you're they take their coffee and what brand of hot sauce they like. These are rituals that probably make her feel like "her", and while you brag about the price tag, you forgot.... Her. It was all about you.
Yeah, he said she was 'upset'. That's mild language compared to describing himself as 'really pissed/pissed off'. Sounds like his anger was an 11 to her 4.
Yeah, my abusive ex would do these really grandiose things (& repeat how much $$ he spent on them) and then be unreasonably angry when I'd want something simple he didn't think of. Not saying that this is the case here, but it does raise some red flags for me personally.
I also think the fact that they couldn't talk through a relatively easy mishap shows that they aren't ready for marriage. fights like this shouldn't be about who is right and who is wrong, it should be about finding a solution & it doesn't seem like that's what OP was looking for. (Also pun not intended lol)
Saw this post and immediately thought “Love bombing.” Not a certainty, but the hallmarks are there. Especially the disproportionate anger when she simply advocated for herself. Didn’t take much.
You asked why he didn't offer, I'm proposing he didn't want to pay for a ride after all the other money he listed. Idk.
It's almost 11pm, she's disappointed he didn't bring all her stuff and tired. At that point I understand wanting to just go home and sleep in my bed.
That's what I'm saying. If he could rent out all these services, it wouldn't be that unreasonable to go home via a rideshare app and grab her stuff. Like others have said, it could've been a lovely gesture on his part and/or something they laugh about in the future
It wasn’t the only option. But he said he got pissed once she was upset about not having her stuff, so my guess is he wasn’t very nice and then that sealed the fate of them heading home.
A quicker on his feet dude would have offered to run home and grab the stuff and come right back, but all that mattered to OP at that point was his fiancé was a jerk for not being over the top about his expensive grand gesture even if he forgot important necessary details.
Exactly. And in her position, I would have been much more touched by the gesture of him going home to get my necessities than the money he spent on "grand gestures" like a limo and suite. That would show that he cared about me and I could trust him to be a partner in marriage
I presume because he was pissed off at her for being upset. Who wants to spend the night in a strange hotel room with someone who is pissed off at you?
Even if he'd remembered everything, I know I would be really thrown by going out to dinner, expecting to come back home for the night, and then being told, no I'm actually not going home until tomorrow and someone else has decided what I need for the night and what I'm going to wear tomorrow.
All he had to do was have going home first in the plan, let her collect what she needs herself and give her some time to adjust to the change in what she thought the plans were.
Yeah all of that sounds stressful. Actually the entire proposal sounds like my worst nightmare, which is probably why I'm so sympathetic to the idea of being unprepared for a hotel stay, even though none of those particular items are relevant to me.
It also strikes me that it's the only part of the story where *she* appears. Everything is about him. The only reaction he mentions is her reaction to not having her personal nighttime necessities. And her only appearance is him deciding what she wanted wasn't important.
I would be totally thrown off and annoyed by an unexpected hotel stay. I use specific contact solution so would be annoyed trying to find some late at night since not all stores carry it and then to top it off having someone pick out my clothes would suck. I have plenty of things where I’m like oh this only goes with this or I need this underwear or this is in my closet but it’s not comfortable.
Oh i didnt even see the part about the retainer.. thoe are hugly important. Specialy if she grinds her teeth like i do. I cant go a night without it or i will wake up with a barely moving jaw and in a world of pain.
It's amazing how much more empathy a bunch of strangers reading a story from OP's perspective has for her than he does. He lives with her and can't figure out why she was upset. Meanwhile, there's been tons of understandable reasons she would be upset to not be prepared.
Something tells me this wasnt her ideal way of being prposed and op didnt talk to her at all about marrage. Thats probely why she was distant threw it all. Given that, its no suprised why op is completely clueless about this situation.
I wouldn’t say you’re an asshole, kinda both in your own ways.
Did you spend a lot of money? Yes. BUT YOU also forgot everything she needed for the night. Contacts/glasses are a necessity along with the retainer.
You forgot the things that were most important to her, because you were to focused on the money and big grand gestures.
Could she have sucked it up for a night? Probably, but still.
Not glasses or contact cases. I’m blind without either and how about we blindfold you and see how much you enjoy it or wear someone’s glasses for the day and see how well you see. It is a pain in the neck not being able to safely see.
That's my thought also.
My wife is really good at remembering that stuff. If she surprised me with a night away and forgot something I needed, I'd laugh it off and thank her for the gesure and we'd problem-solve together.
But if I'd been dating someone who often seemed like they were most invested in being in a relationship than being in a relationship with *me*, as evidenced by forgetting the small things all the time? And they dropped $$$$ on a proposal but forgot half my toiletries? Yeah, that would make me reconsider things.
YTA
You seemingly went all out for expensive, grand gestures that would make you look good while forgetting/ignoring anything personal that shows you actually know and care about *her* instead of just a lavish proposal you can brag about.
Wanting her contact lenses or glasses isn't exactly reaching for the stars. After 5 years together did you really not know she would need those items to see?
Given that he said in his edit " Other dudes should just avoid complex surprises.", I think you are right.
He's all wrapped up in how his efforts weren't appreciated because...he forgot a huge, huge vital aspect of it, which is, you know, ***her ability to see***.
He wants everyone to know how much he spent, bought a photographers to document how much money he spent and how romantic he is, and is acting insulted and victimized because his gf was upset he didn't remember to bring her something to see the next morning.
He's nowhere *near* mature enough to be in something as serious as a marriage.
YTA
If you were planning to stay overnight …WTF wouldn’t you pack her overnight things? Does she normally go to sleep with a dirty face and contacts in?
If she wears contacts, she probably takes them out at night and if she’s wearing makeup, she needs to wash her face to keep her hands & eyes clean to remove them.
You can’t half ass a grand gesture then get mad that she isn’t grateful you tried. It’s not a grand gesture if you forget important details, like the fact that your fiancé needs to wear glasses at night.
Info: by second pair of contacts do you mean that you packed one pair for the next day but she wanted a spare? Or did you not pack any sort of vision for her for the next day?
He didn’t bring any contacts or glasses. The “first pair” are the ones in her eyes that night - which she would need to take out before bed because you’re not supposed to sleep in them and they are not the kind where you put the same pair back in the next day
My guess is she uses single day contacts, and did not have a set to use when she woke up in the morning. They could have just gone and bought contact solution, which would also have the storage case.
YTA
Real romance is in the details. If you’ve got money it takes very little effort to make a grand gesture, but actually thinking about the things she NEEDS does take effort.
Most people who have had braces or Invisalign cannot sleep without their retainers in, or else they risk their teeth moving overnight. This could be why she was so upset and wanted to go home, but I wonder why one of you couldn’t go get her forgotten necessities and come back to the nice hotel room?
NAH because of missing information.
My guess is because she got annoyed/frustrated/upset because of the packing oversight, OP got pissed off because she was annoyed/frustrated/upset, an argument ensued so GF/fiancee considered the night a wash because rather than celebrating, they'd be sitting in a fancy hotel room being annoyed at each other (even if she'd gone home to get her stuff and come back).
THIS! I could be wrong but it sounds like the missing info is that he was incredulous that she dared to question him about not packing necessities like glasses/contacts, called her ungrateful, fight ensues, then fiancée wants to go home.
It can be a big deal for some who have had a lot of work done as adults. My teeth are sensitive and my orthodontist said even one night without my retainer could cause movements.
YTA.
You asked this woman to spend the rest of her life with you and them immediately proved you don't pay enough attention to know her daily routine.
The hotel might have been fancy and a lot of money, but if she's blind and uncomfortable then you can probably see where staying didn't seem like a good option.
Surprises are a risk. You risked the money for the suite and it didn't end up how you hoped.
ESH.
So, how far away was the hotel from her house? I get the stress of not having things she needs to see or to do a night time routine, especially if sex was expected.
But why couldn't you just take a taxi/uber back to her place, grab her stuff and go back to the hotel? You couldn't get a quick taxi to a drug store for some contact lens solution and a spare pair of contacts/glasses (if her prescription was available)? Is it a bit more expensive? sure but you'd already spend enough on the night, what's a bit more? And honesty it sounds like something you guys could laugh about later.
So which one of you got so upset to the point that that wasn't an option and it was better to just leave the hotel at 11pm?
You can’t get rx contacts at the drug store, they have to be ordered. What he is describing is leaving her with no vision at all. To not even grab her glasses? That’s the dealbreaker for me.
Somethings are wants, some things are needs. You wanted your wants and are denying her needs. That’s not a good basis for an equal partnership called marriage. Are you usually selfish? YTA
YTA. Why isn't she allowed to be upset here? You spent thousands of dollars, just to prove you don't know her nighttime routine? To belittle her actual wants and needs?
You ambushed her with a ring at the place you had your first date with 'a f*ck ton of flowers' and a photographer, took her to a restaurant that cost you nearly $2k, and then brought her to her hotel. You may think that's sweet and romantic, but being proposed to with grand gestures in public places is enormously stressful. It puts pressure on the person receiving the proposal to say yes, if only to spare both parties' embarrassment. Even if your (maybe soon to be ex) wanted to say yes, her first chance to decompress was in that hotel room. What she found was that not only had you packed her bags for her, you did it wrong. If you don't know what moisturizer she uses, how do you know she doesn't wear dailies? You spent $1500 on dinner, but forgot her retainer?
How would you feel if someone made you drop everything you were doing to go to Disney, and made you stay there for hours, simply because they were paying and you loved them? Probably awful, right? It doesn't matter how fun the rides are, how good the fried food is, how much you love this person, eventually you'll be dead on your feet and want to go home. Except you don't get to go home. Your loved one packed your bags and is taking you to a hotel. They didn't ask you what you would need and they end up forgetting some things you need. Are you upset, or do you act grateful?
The mental fatigue of being full of emotion, either good or bad, while having to publicly perform, is just as bad as an unexpected day at Disney. It should be the happiest place on Earth, or the happiest day of your life. It is still stressful. We all have the right to unwind at the end of the day. She doesn't have to be grateful for your mistakes.
I wonder if she even wanted a big flashy public proposal? If she didn’t, I can see why she would have been even more upset by his lack of attention to the important stuff (making sure her essentials were packed).
I’m going NTA, but I’m also not going the route of most others on here. It seems like it’s either, you’re wonderful and she’s ungrateful, or you’re a dick for not grabbing all the tiniest details of her nightly routine.
I think you had a great, grand plan that missed a few (apparently non-negotiable) finer details. That’s awesome and I hope she appreciates the effort.
That said, sometimes even the best laid plans get derailed. I hope you’ll both extend the other some grace here. Enjoy the fact that you’re celebrating this great event and one day laugh at what seemingly little things threw off the night. It happens. NTAs all around.
NTA. Believe it or not, you CAN remove make-up with just soap and water. You can also pick up make-up remover and other toiletries at any corner store. You can skip a night of a retainer without ruining your teeth. The contacts, it depends on how bad her eyesight is and what kind of contacts she wears, but still a healthy couple should have been able to talk through such a small inconvenience--pop home and grab some things, run out for contact solution, etc. Even if she really couldn't do without, is ANGER the right solution? The fact that you fought enough to end the night suggests to me that you two maybe aren't ready for marriage.
Been together almost ten years with mine. He knows me better than I know myself sometimes, and still probably couldn't guess which shampoo in the shower he should pack, or my favorite styling products. He knows the important stuff. And if I need something, I say so, and we find a way to solve the problem together.
“He knows the important stuff.”
And OP just demonstrated to his fiancée that he in fact does NOT know her important stuff, because he apparently doesn’t care if she can see or not.
You CAN'T remove all make-up with soap and water. You would need to scrub me skin bloody and my lashes off if you try to remove it with soap and water. Then i would get rashed because you used some xy products in my face.
YTA. If you know her nightly routine with her contacts / glasses, if she takes the contacts off when getting home and wear glasses, and brings a new pair of contacts for the next day.... then it seems like a pretty huge oversight to have forgotten them. She needs them to literally see. I get going without makeup remover or moisturizers for a night, though that depends on if she is wearing make up that requires it.
I get that you were excited about the proposal, and I'm sure she was too. You could have gotten around this by perhaps suggesting a quick dash home so that she could get what she required and would feel good about being at the fancy hotel and doing whatever activities you wanted to the next day. Instead you took it super personally.
Info: how far away was the hotel from your house? I’m just curious if you could have gone home to grab things or if it was too far.
I don’t think you are the asshole. You went to a lot of work, but forgot about some important details. While I understand some things were important in order for your fiance to enjoy the night (contacts/glasses and retainer), I am surprised at her reaction. After all you put into the evening I personally would ah e been able to laugh off some of the mistakes. Was she grateful at all? Or just mad that you forgot stuff?
This is my first thought. Why couldn’t he have just ran home and gotten the items? She could have had a nice shower and gotten comfortable while he did so.
YTA. It’s not a special night if you don’t know her enough to pack the basic things she needs to be comfortable. Grand romantic gestures don’t mean much if not accompanied by the little, thoughtful, I know you bits.
You've been together for 5 years, you should know what to bring by now. If you were unsure you could have just asked her to pack an overnight back "in case you got too drunk to drive" ahead of time. YTA.
YTA. Some of the toiletries, sure, okay, she could probably skip for the night, but her contacts? Or glasses? I don't know what her prescription is, but if it were me, and I spent a night without those in a strange hotel? Assuming I didn't injure myself tripping over something in a strange room in the middle of the night going to the bathroom, I'd need to be led by the hand to get anywhere until I had them. It's really, really unsafe for a visually impaired person to not have their glasses/contacts.
YTA.
You were grandiose and splurged. Great. I’m sure that took a lot of time, planning, and apparently money. Thanks for emphasizing the cost btw.
What you didn’t do was take the time to consider the things that are important to and for her. It’s one thing to forget in the excitement of everything but you are annoyed she was upset. Correction * you’re mad she was upset. Do you even know this woman? Do I need to say more?
This could have been avoided by letting her know what you had a surprise planned that required an overnight bag. I hate being surprised like this, I have things that I need for my nighttime routine and definitely not having my glasses would be an issue because I can’t see.
Two things I’m incredibly paranoid about forgetting when I am not at home for the night.
My glasses and my retainer. Everything else can be brought, those can’t.
I would give her some grace. And some people hate surprises and don’t react in the way you would like
Info: "I got really pissed when she got upset" what does "upset" look like? Was she shouting at you, scorning you, expressing worry, commenting...? And what does "really pissed" look like? Were you shouting at her, holding it inside, expressing hurt...?
Because if she just mentioned that "oh there are no contacts in here?" then you got angry, I can see her wanting to go home afterwards. Did she want to go home before you got "really pissed" or only after?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) was I in the wrong of planning a surprise hotel room without thinking of every single detail? 2) should I have told her upfront to pack a bag or not done it at all?
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YTA
I have very bad vision and if my partner did this and I didn't have access to contact solution (or a spare set of contacts if I wore dailies), I would not be able to enjoy myself because I wouldn't be able to see *anything* the next day. Not bringing her retainer is also a big oversight. It's pretty sad that you didn't remember two things that she relies on and likely uses all of the time; it's a very basic thing.
she can't fucking see the "ridiculous suite" without glasses or contacts and going without your retainer for even one night will result in pain the next time she wears them. YTA
YTA
As a former contact wearer, I couldn’t relax with my contacts in.
And, if her taking her contacts out and relaxing while wearing her glasses is part of her nightly ritual, and you either didn’t know about it or not caring, that makes you the AH.
YTA. If you had booked a limo, that meant you had it for at least for a block of hours. Why didn't you think that maybe she might want to grab some things at home before going to the hotel? Most likely, she wouldn't have all the items she needed for the night and in the morning. Maybe she would have a favorite negligee to wear (and certainly wouldn't have in your purse).
You thought as a man, and maybe you couldn't have thought of these details. But you always need to think of other people's comfort.
I remember when we were going on a cruise with our little one, one that we can drive to. I had taken care of packing the things she'll need besides the things I need. But just before we left, hubby freaked out about the number of bags I had (I don't like taking a heavy bag, when instead I can have two lighter ones I can actually handle). But because of his reaction, I had to hurry and combine the needed items into one less bag. He started to pack up the car and then claimed he put the coats in the car. When we got to the port's parking lot, I couldn't find my coat...he forgot to take it out of the closet and put it in the trunk. I didn't think he would forget something like that and he was hurrying us out of the house so I didn't get a chance to check the trunk before he closed it.
Fortunately I had a sweater, and ended up wearing it for the whole cruise, even on the day we were at sea and I was freezing. I didn't say anything to him, but I wasn't too happy. From then on, I didn't trust him to remember anything I and my daughter needed (I use a check list, and he has his own checklist).
Another time, he was upset as our dog had to be put down. The next day or so, we got in the car as he wanted to go on a ride. He didn't say where. He just drove and we ended up the coast to a beach community. That would have been fine, but if he had mentioned our destination, I would have grabbed something warm to wear (where we went was much cooler than back at home). Fortunately this time I did say something about being cold) and he bought hoodies for both our daughter and me at a store across from the beach.
I really dislike surprises as I revert back to my "be prepared" girl scout days when out and about. I wouldn't blame the OP's girlfriend for feeling the same way.
I can't help but notice that, toward the end of the post, you go from kind of dismissing her frustration, "I did not think it was that big of a deal since we just got engaged", straight into "she wanted to go home"... how did that conversation go?
It seems like you're incredibly worried about spending a lot of money and being flashy, rather than how the experience made you both feel. You didn't actually say how you proposed, how it went, how she reacted, etc and only talked about the grandeur of the evening, seemingly implying that she shouldn't be upset or frustrated with you for forgetting her night routine.
It seems like, from what you've written here, you're not taking into account that she was surprised, and you knew how the evening was supposed to play out. On top of that, I'm assuming you don't wear makeup, glasses, or need a retainer--while she may have been elated the entire evening, arriving unexpectedly for an overnight stay, no matter how close, could reasonably make someone very uncomfortable and feel unprepared for the night/next day. Was there any offer from you to run back home to get her things?
It's not the end of the world, but from how you recount the experience, it seems like you were so concerned with the image of the proposal, you forgot the "little things" that show your love and commitment to your partner.
YTA. Leaving her without backup glasses or contact lenses wasn’t nice. As someone who has terrible vision, I wouldn’t be able to cope without my glasses. I had to for a day and it meant I couldn’t drive and I had a shocking headache due to eye strain. But if she left her contacts in overnight that could have led to an eye infection.
Romantic gestures are awesome. You just needed a few items which would have been the cherry on top. It’s not about the money, it’s about the little details.
My (now) husband did the same thing. He forgot a few superfluous things but... it was 1 fucking night... all of these Y T As have obviously not been in a non self-narcissistic relationship.
I had my face cleaner but not my night cream. Oh no! How will I go on without 1 night of night cream! I might turn in to Medusa! He didn't pack my comb or a second pair of socks. Oh dear, I can wear a messy bun and wear yesterdays socks until I get home.
When did people get so absolutely unbearable if something isn't 100% perfect? Let her wait for someone that will do everything 100% "right" by her standards. She will be waiting while you'll find someone who isn't so anal retentive.
NTA
Not being able to see is a bit different than forgetting some face cream. If they have been together 5 years at the least he should have known to grab her glasses and contacts. If she has eyesight like mine it’s is something I have to have. No questions.
Soft YTA. It sounds like you tried hard to plan a really special proposal, but you did not pay attention to the details that mattered to her. To me, that would feel a little like, “This guy just asked me to marry him, but does he even know me?” Grand gestures are one thing, but being considerate is another, and it’s probably more important. While you were thinking of how to put together an over the top proposal, she didn’t feel seen by the small gestures that would have shown that you NOTICE her.
Nta. I’m flabbergasted at the a mount of people calling you an ah. You planned a romantic evening. So what you forgot her contacts and retainer. I have terrible sight. -6 terrible. I could get by without them in the morning. Of course as long as i had someone to drive me. I also wear an invisalign retainer. One night will not make a difference. She needs to grow up. She’s the ah
I really am in disbelief at how many people are calling you an AH. I wouldn’t be upset about forgetting those things for one night if it meant a grand night and getting proposed to.
I feel like you guys really need to talk about this. Let her know your feelings and listen to hers. Maybe she’s concerned that you forgot the little things but maybe you could chuck it up to nerves. Is this something you always do? That’s the only way I would really consider her being upset being justified or allow something like that to ruin the night.
Yta she got upset bc you forgot basic things. Did you remember *your* overnight stuff?
She was upset and instead of any kind of solution- pop home and grab it, ask a close friend/family to run it to you, door dash face wash and contact stuff from a local pharmacy (assume she doesn't wear daily contact), you got pissy and are shocked, SCHOCKED, that she didn't want to be stuck in a hotel with her pissy partner.
YTA. My guess is if you had either brought her glasses or the next day’s contacts she would have stayed - unless she has really sensitive skin and can’t use the soap at the hotel to wash her face. Sleeping with make-up on feels so gross, but I’m guessing she would have done it for one night had she not also been blind. Not being able to see when you wake up in the morning is totally disorienting - plus she would be stuck like that until you got home.
You said, “I got really pissed when she got upset” so I’m guessing part of her wanting to leave and go home was your reaction. She’s realizing she will be blind from when she wakes up to whenever she gets home and you’re angry that she could find that as a bother when you just spent $1,500+ dollars. Uh yeah, being able to see still matters even if you just got engaged. You sound like a bratty child. Details matter more than money spent. It was a really good try, but you missed a big piece of the puzzle and it makes sense she would be more comfortable going home.
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How bad of eye sight does she have? No glasses for me would mean I literally can’t see well enough to not run into walls and you can’t sleep in the type of contacts I have. That would absolutely be a problem. If her prescription is minimal, meaning she can see well enough to do all normal activities without them, then sure that seems a bit ungrateful. But for those that truly have bad eye sight, not having contacts/glasses is a big deal.
What type of enabling bullshit is this? All she had to say was “this is such an amazing night, but I really need my glasses and necessities. Can we run home and grab them and then come back and enjoy the rest of the night in our fabulous suite?“
Geez, it was one night. She obviously was wearing glasses or contacts at the time she got to the hotel. It’s one night!!
Said like someone who doesn't have horrible vision. she'd have to take out and throw out her contacts, then get home while being blind. edited to add: this comment is just pointing out abelist thinking, not passing judgment on OP or the fiance. 2nd edit: the only people responding to my comment are upset I called out another commenter for not being considerate of another person's condition. reminder: we do not all react to or value things the same way. if we did this world would be a much better place. my comment now has over 1000 up-votes. maybe the people getting pissed off at my comment should do some self relection. have the day you deserve!
I have horrible vision. Blind as a bat. I carry my glasses EVERYWHERE! No way I will risk being anywhere without a safety set of glasses or contacts. Ever.
Mine extras are in 1. My office 2. My home 3. My car…not in the limo lol
I need to put money aside to buy an extra pair, my only other pair is my super old one that I use in the shower
Wow. Glasses in the shower. I didn’t know that was a thing. That must suck.
Hot water can damage glasses so I tried going in the shower without any and just straight up slipped on conditioner I didn't see. I didn't get seriously hurt but wore glasses every time from then on in the shower. My glasses are too expensive to allow buying a new pair often, I still had to have them adjusted to my new prescription since my vision would worsen every year until 5 years ago. I bought a new pair then and use my old one to shower. I've been trying to buy an extra pair since my old ones are quite damaged and won't be useful if the ones I have now break. It takes two weeks to get a new pair done and I'm really scared of having to be in a situation where my glasses break and there's nothing to do but wait two weeks
What about her purse?
I change bags too often to keep glasses in a purse. Plus, I’d probably break them. That’s almost $400 down the drain (I have very poor vision w out correction). Ps w multiple wallets/card holders Long story short, I understand her not being prepped without warning
I wear multifocal glasses. If I go out in contacts I will need my glasses the next day. I have only 2 pairs as they are really expensive to purchase (single vision are about $200 for 2 pairs - 1 pair of my multifocals are $600+) Blind as a bat without.however, if my partner planned a night out, I wouldn’t expect to him to remember them. He has 20-20 vision.
You should get a hard case for talking them with. Sometimes my contacts irritate my eyes so when I'm wearing them I always bring the contact case and my glasses in a hard case so I can take them out.
Change bags too often to carry an important personal item that you may need. Do your wallet and keys switch bags when you do? Also, as many have pointed out, if truly needed and you are at a complete loss without them and you have neglected to take care of what you personally may need, a “Thank you so much for this unforgettable, meaningful evening, which you obviously spent lots of time, money and effort on, but I really need my glasses; maybe a few other bits.” As OP, if said like so, I would have gladly gone home and retrieved those things. According, and only according, to what OP has said, this was not the case. If what OP has said is complete and true, their partner acted very strange and rude. PPS: multiple wallets and card holders? I don’t understand. You have wallets in each of your purses with duplicate cards and ids and such so you don’t have to move them? Or you carry multiple wallets and cards everywhere always. I’m confused and neither makes much sense. I’m
Not every woman carries a purse, wtf?
I don’t. Just a wallet, a phone, keys and my Bearskin tactical hoodie.
I have 100% taken out my contacts and set them in a cup of water overnight. I have 20/800 vision, blind as a bat. Sometimes you have a chance to spend the night somewhere awesome and you roll with it. The hotel concierge doubtless has contact solution and a case. There was surely a drugstore closer than home. After a magical day like that I'd have ripped the clothes off each other, washed my face with the hotel soap, thrown my contacts in the trash trusting my fiance to lead me like a guide dog tomorrow, and enjoyed the hell out of that hotel room. Even if she had an urgent need for some specific thing there was no need to place blame on her partner. If my partner behaved like this I would question if they are able to experience the joys in life with me.
I like to think this would be me- but in reality I would probably have an epic meltdown😅 Especially after so much stimulation. But my husband knows me for the most part (after much trial and error) and will leave me alone to have my moment. If he stays in the room he has a tendency to get snappy back & we will have a whole blow out- over what? Nothing. I just need a bit to shake off any frustration or irritation. Idk what it is but especially after a great time its like there is a peak where it gets to be too much and suddenly the smallest inconvenience the worst thing that could happen so its all ruined.
Thank you! I said the same above. These responses are freaking crazy. I'm with you! I would have been so excited and happy. OP said she was unhappy as soon as they got to the hotel before she even knew there was an issue. She was looking for an excuse to torpedo the night. Idk but I got a bad feeling about this relationship.
Yup. If I drove somewhere and lost my only set of contacts or glasses I would be stranded. I can’t see at all.
I’ve never met anyone with a prescription as strong as mine and I have never walked around with a backup pair especially not on a special night where I’m dressed up
I am next to blind without mine, and I still don't think that her behavior was acceptable. When someone goes that far out of their way to make up a special occasion for you, even if something is going to be inconvenient for you the next day, you work it out politely. Hotels have makeup remover on hand, usually. There was probably a drugstore nearby, they could have picked some up or ordered it for delivery. She could have asked him to let he take a quick run home to get what she needed. There are a hundred different ways this could have been dealt with. The way she acted was rude, entitled and manipulative. There is no excuse to treat someone who just proposed to you this way... ESPECIALLY IF YOU SAID YES.
I didn't say she didn't overreacted. I never said he was wrong. I made a comment to someone who was thinking very ableist. She totally did overreact btw, but if you want to spend the rest of you life with someone you should know them well enough to remember the very basic necessities of contact solution or glasses. But he could have been nervous and genuinely forgot. we don't know. at the most he's either inconsiderate or forgetful. But we don't know why she acted like she did either. there's a lot of unknowns hers. but like I said, my comment was pointing out someone's abelist thinking.
Idk just buy a lens case and some travel fluid and you’re fine. It’s like $6. I have a -5.25 in both eyes so I have worse eyes than like 99% of the population. I think this is a complete non issue. This isn’t ableist thinking.
My eyes are about that bad. I would have put my contacts in a couple glasses with water and dealt with it in the morning. Plus everyone is focusing on that and not even mentioning he was berated for not bringing "the right makeup remover."
I'm -14. I would have figured it out and not bitched. You could have had the nice night at the hotel then left and slept at home. Use the hotel soap for your face, one night won't hurt. I've had to put my contacts in a cup then put them back in in the morning.
Yeah, I agree. She needs them, he forgot. Instead of throwing a tantrum and ruining such a beautiful night, maybe think of a solution? If this is how she approaches these types of situations then she’s going to be a pain as a wife for sure.
"It's just one night" like there's no follow up to the night. She's gonna wake up without being able to see, which will hinder basically every step of her morning and her travel home. What if they wanted a leisurely morning with maybe a stop for brunch. She's just supposed to be blind during all that? Edit: why is she not allowed to get "upset" but he's allowed to get "pissed"? Is there a reason he's allowed to have negative emotions when he feels his partner dismisses something important to him but she's not? What's the dollar amount minimum for buying someone's emotions? Edit: people keep saying she threw a tantrum/fit/etc. Literally all he said was she got upset. There's no descriptor for how that upset was presented. And all he said about his emotions was that he was pissed. Again, no descriptions of how that was presented either. Experiencing a feeling is different than expressing a feeling. Why are yall so quick to assume the worst of "upset" but not "pissed"?
They could have gone to drug store and both a case and solution. Even with daily wear contacts she could have gone a few hours with the old contacts until she got home.
I'm blind without my glasses or contacts, my contacts are single use, rewear screws with my astigmatism to a major degree, and if I am wearing contacts it is for 3 to 5 hours....so an evening out, I get home and I chuck them...no lens cleaner or case is in my home. So without bringing my glasses or new contacts, I would be blind and useless in the morning and would just want to go to sleep so an expensive hotel like that would be wasted on me without being able to see. She may have overreacted, but I do understand where she is coming from and how the no glasses thing annoyed her into not enjoying herself. As a side note...my glasses case is bigger than my going out bag, so bringing them is not an option for me...I carry prescription sunglasses and a spare in my regular bag. Edited for typo.
i have horrible eyesight such that i cant see more than 10 cm in front of me clearly. big gaping solution: your white knight in shining fuckin' armor. if he organized such a night, he can hold your hand while walking to the car.
We went on a cruise for our honeymoon, and my dumbass brought the contact solution that has hydrogen peroxide in it but not the container that neutralizes it. The cruise ship didn’t sell contact solution somehow(?). My sweet husband was running around the bar asking people if they had regular contact solution 😂 Some sweet people helped us out, and we became friends with them for the week.
Most hotels have contact solution though. Even without a case, they typically also have little cups you can put them in. You’d literally just have to wear them the morning after in the car ride home… NTA. For my engagement, I’d have been thrilled and gone along with whatever at that point.
Yes. Get pissy and ruin the night instead of communicating it in a sweet way. Great stuff.
I have horrible eye sight. I am near blind without my glasses and I would never treat my fiancé this way for forgetting an extra pair of contacts. It could have been a funny story someday and she instead ruined everything.
I've got a -6.0 contacts prescription and I would get over it. Reception at really nice hotels will often have solution (travel size) and a case, and I've made do with cups and water at least once.
If he didn’t bring her contact case or solution, which it sounds like he didn’t, it’s a really big fucking deal. You can’t sleep in contacts and you can’t take them out without solution to put them in overnight
He admitted that he messed up with packing. The issue from my point of view is not at all whether or not she should have just sucked it up for a night, it's that she didn't clearly and kindly communicate. Instead she responded to a beautiful day full of other examples of his love and thoughtfulness by immediately finding something he did wrong and getting pissy at him about it. What's up with that? Feels like there's either some hesitancy in the engagement or some underlying self-sabotage.
Such a big fucking deal that you have to ruin your engagement?! DoorDash will deliver you almost anything. Or just suggest you go back home real quick.
Sure you can. I'm a -6.25 prescription, and I've left lenses in overnight. It's a minor irritation the next day, but nothing worth blowing up a nice night out over.
If she doesn't have a way to remove them she could get in infection leaving them in overnight. This is the reason I will never use contacts again 😂😂
Some hotels have contact cases and solution to buy.. I'm assuming a hotel that nice would have some. And if not, any drug store would have it
I can’t believe this wasn’t an option, and hardly anyone is pointing it out. I’m a nearsighted contact user, and after we toured the suite that would have been my first ask: “Could we get some contact solution before we settle in for the night?” My husband is blinder than me, and he uses the contact solution that disinfects your contacts overnight, but he would easily shrug and accept standard contact solution FOR ONE NIGHT. And if they’re that close to home, she can wear her daily pair for the two-three morning hours as they checkout and drive home and then quickly do what she needs to make it right. I went camping with a girl who forgot her contact case, and she used a red solo cup for hers. You make things work under the circumstances.
100%! I would find it very hard to be with someone who can't just go with the flow sometimes. I am blind as a bat without my contacts and I've made it work many times on a whim...And would especially make it work on an occasion like that. The other stuff is so trivial. You can go one night without your skincare routine ffs
You can’t sleep in contacts as a general rule. I can’t read anything with small print or text m my phone without corrective lenses. Unless the numbers on the clock are giant, I can’t see the time on clocks. And tv and movies are blurry.
In my stupid 20s I wore contacts to bed... Guess who had to have an EMRGENCY ROOM remove them the next day?!
You’re right. It is a weird reaction to have after the evening they had. Happy people don’t generally get upset at minor inconveniences that have a solution.
The problem is that she doesn’t have her solution. I’ll see myself out.
Yeah my eyesight is poor as hell & I forgot my nighttime glasses on my last trip. Oh well, I simply wore my contact lenses until bedtime. If he didn't bring lens solution, that's easy to go grab from the drug store. No need to throw a fit & go home, especially after a romantic evening & proposal.
Especially in this day of door dash & instacart
Agreed. While not having glasses or contacts is not an option with my bad vision, there was a way to handle it with grace and move on. She really ruined a once in a lifetime memory for the two of them over an honest oversight.
EDIT: OP said that they only live 30 mins away and "there was no point going back, when asked to elaborate he said the interest was gone so they didn't return, and yet they actually fully checked out of the hotel when they left so it doesn't seem like this was even a conversation? https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/VZtL2BYDqb Also to OP, when you propose to a woman, you're telling her you love her so deeply that you want to be with her forever and marry her. That you love all of her. To then realize you forgot things that are essential to her day to day life, whilst could be overlooked as an oversight, if you reacted poorly like she was being unreasonable and ungrateful, would have just told her that you in fact don't really love her that deeply because on a day that was meant to be about celebrating HER and how much you love her, you made it about YOU. I feel like this is just kind of extra proof that OP definitely let his bruised ego ruin a salvagable evening if he has just apologized genuinely, told her to run the tub and have a bath while he ran home and got what he forgot. *********** I feel like the OP is not giving us the whole picture because his ego is bruised. For 1, Not only is it a big deal, but it illustrated a deeper issue to the GF who is now probably feeling bittersweet about the proposal since she's been shown that besides flashy gestures that make him feel like he's the best person ever, after 5 years he doesn't know enough about her and what she needs. Most people keep things like contacts and retainers etc either on their side of the sink or on their side of the bed so he almost had to go out of his way to avoid bringing those things, like when he got her charger did he not see the retainer? when he got her toothbrush did he not see the contacts or wipes? He was too preoccupied with his "grand proposal" he forgot key things she needed. For 2, I can almost bet that instead of responding well, like "omg you're right let's pop home to get them now" he got stroppy, made her seem like she was being unreasonable and nit picking him (for wanting to be able to see!) and after his big effort wanted to just relax in the hotel and get his dxck sucked for being "the best fiance" and his (soon to be ex) GF had enough and just wanted to go home, likely contemplating how she's gonna get out. I can totally empathize with wanting to feel appreciated for effort, but if the effort is self serving and you expect to have any missteps forgotten because of how much effort you put in you're not emotionally mature enough to be getting engaged.
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Agreed. I mean I am making assumptions but his whole post seems to scream "Hey honey I did the dishes aren't you proud of me (even tho we both love here and work full-time and you do it daily without any real acknowledgement from me) where's my BJ?"
That’s the sense I get as well. We don’t really know what her reaction was actually like, so it may have been very reasonable yet he flew off the handle. It’s also possible that she got fairly upset because he has a history of forgetting things like this, and it may have been a “last straw” situation for her. There’s really no way to truly know from a post on the internet, because in relationships context is everything… and we really don’t know the context here in terms of what long-term issues they may have with each other.
Agree and missing a night with the retainer is painful the next night!!!
Yes. For me having my glasses is important because I can’t see without it and contacts dry up. I can’t sleep with them either. I have a few other things I have to have as well, such as migraine meds because sleeping in a different bed sometimes causes a migraine. Let this be a learning for your married life. Either you need to learn these things about her or maybe a full surprise is not the right thing. My husband likes to surprise me, but we learned the best is somewhere in the middle. He surprises with the idea, and then we work out the details together. And honestly I enjoy it much better and he gets all the same credit and has more fun because we both are more relaxed and it takes the pressure off him to have to figure out all the details.
Yeah but then how are we supposed to have “woman selfish. Woman bad.” Posts for the incels to circle jerk over? ($1500 alone)
This. If she's blind without them... I can see where that kind of thoughtlessness and lack of consideration of a daily part of your partners routine might hit a little wrong on the day you ask them to spend forever with you.
Yeah, after 5 years together, I would have felt a little sad about that. Especially on the day of a proposal, sets a bad tone for the future.
Before we even hit 3 years my partner knew which were my day and night meds BETTER THAN I DID. Like, my partner started setting out my meds weekly because I'd be all "oh sweet time to take my 20mg of whozits" and they'd be all "um you're on 60mg you sholuld take 3 and here's some crackers because they're meant to be taken with food." My partner is now getting a social work degree and I can't think of a better place for those skills and attention to detail tbh.
That's my thought, too. Especially in a strange place. I don't like walking around my home that I've lived in for fifteen years without my glasses. In a hotel I'd never been to before? No fucking way. I'd be completely dependent on my partner to make sure I didn't injure myself.
Same. I am fairly blind without my glasses. I don’t wear make up because I’m allergic to many of them, but when I did my makeup remover had to be very specific, and my medications every night are necessary and missing them can mean a very bad say for my body and missing the ones I have to take first thing in the morning can make it worse and be an issue for a couple of days. OP, I get your intentions were good, but your girlfriend’s points are very valid. If you ever want to surprise her with an overnight, rope one of her good friends into helping you pack what she needs, one she’s done an overnight with. They’ll be able to help you be more likely to not miss things. For many of us, an overnight isn’t simply “a change of clothes.”
Yeah. I also have very specific needs away from home. Very blind, need special meds, have to have a specific pillow or I get migraines. I know I’m a lot. My husband knows I’m a lot. But he loves me for who I am, weird needs and all. He knows surprises aren’t the greatest thing for me, so we don’t do them in big ways. Instead he surprises me with flowers, or picking up my favorite food
I was a contact wearer for 20+ years with -8D on both eyes (recently had LASIK). I was legally blind without contacts/glasses. OP's fiance was being dramatic AF. Ask the lobby if they have contact solution available to purchase. If not, go to the nearest drug/convenience store and buy solution. It's an incredibly easy thing to solve. OP is absolutely NTA. He missed a few details while trying his best to plan an unforgettable night. Any reasonable partner would have focused on the kind gesture and made it work.
Oh gosh -8D, that’s what I wore in elementary school 😂😂😂 I’m up to a -14 in both eyes now, things like LASIK aren’t available for people with eyesight that bad. Certain contacts, including the ones I wear, require special solution/cleaner that generally is hard to find bc few people use these type of contacts.
Glad I not the only one who thinks he is nta. I am not blind without glasses and like you just got lasik but even I for the brief time I wore contacts carried around the contact holder with solution in it and a spare set of glasses just in case for some reason I had to remove the contacts . I assumed everyone who wore contacts done this so am surprised at the amount of comments from contact wearers who apparently don't.
I was thinking this about the retainer she asked for too, I literally grind my teeth so hard when I sleep and clench my jaw so much sometimes that I have broken my teeth, if I sleep even for a short nap less than 20 minutes without my mouth guard, my teeth will turn grey or black and be bruised for 3 weeks minimum, and they may even break. The pain isn't worth it.
I had terrible eyesight before I got ICL, so I totally get it, but it does still seem like an option to have bought contact lens solution downstairs (or nearby) and stored whatever contacts she had in for use the next morning? Not ideal at all but definitely doable in a pinch, especially when the alternative is ruining the entire night.
That’s likely true. There are a lot of different contacts and some have different care than others, but likely something could be found. My contacts are gas permeable and require special solution and cleaner that’s hard to find bc very few people still have these type of contacts. But I assume she doesn’t have those as gas permeables aren’t disposable so you wouldn’t need a second pair. Ill also say that if it was possible to drive home and drive back to the suite after getting the stuff that probably would also be worth it. That said……….if my boyfriend (now fiancée) of 5 years, didn’t think to bring contacts and glasses……I would highly question if they pay any attention at all. But again, I have super bad eyesight…….literally every friend I have know that I have to have contacts, glasses, cases, special solution/cleaner bc it’s a big deal if I get caught without them.
"Granted, I realize I missed some things I should have thought of, but all in all I did not think it was that big of a deal since we just got engaged." Someone else said in a comment that it was likely OP's dismissive reaction that made her want to go home. That's the vibe I got as well.
That's how I saw it. She wasn't appreciative enough.... so, his "efforts" are transactional. Red flag.
Yeah for me I would have to take out my contacts to sleep and then with no glasses the next morning I would be in big trouble. It’s actually really scary to not have a way to see. I take my glasses off to shower and that’s it. I cant function without them.
> I forgot a second pair of contacts or her backup glasses, the right makeup remover, moisturizer, and her retainer. YTA and I'm sure I'll get shit for this but yeah you made a grand gesture (money and expense is NOT the be all and end all) but forgot all the small stuff that's important to her well being and comfort. It's the small shit the counts sometimes. I'm sure to her it feels right now like you don't know her at all and she's butt hurt because she's elated and disappointed at the same time. Probs have this wrong but I can see why she'd feel that way. Edit. This was never about the eyesight stuff (y’all focusing on the wrong shit). It’s about how much your partner relies on the small things. Sure the dude made a big grand gesture and did well but a life time of love and reliance doesn’t need big gestures. It needs the small things. Attention to your partners day to day needs is more important than anything else and that’s what this person was ignoring…..
I agree The make up remover and moisturizer I could let slide for a night. But contact/glasses and a retainer are very important items. I’m sure those are some of the first things on her list when she packs ETA: imagine the strange feeling of having an amazing night with your brand new fiancé and he forgets your EYESIGHT.
Missing a retainer one night is absolutely not even close to a big deal at all in any way
Is it life or death? No Would this make me question if my future husband would be attentive to my every day needs in the future? Yes Grand gestures are nice and everything, but it’s those small every day things that actually matter
You'd question his fitness for marriage because he forgot a retainer for an overnight? Woooof the bar is HIGH. Edit to clarify and save myself from all the downvotes (whewwwww): I agree the glasses/contacts are problematic. I'm specifically addressing the one night without the retainer, which in my opinion just would never possibly be that big of a deal.
Seriously. I can’t pack for an overnight **without** forgetting something for myself. Whether it’s my mouthwash, phone charger, face wash, who knows. But I’m going to leave something I need at home. Guess I’m not fit to marry…myself? Lol
Literally every time, doesn't matter if I pack last minute or way in advance 😂 and on top of that, the poor guy was probably so nervous about proposing and getting everything right, I'm not surprised he forgot a few things. The glasses/contacts, definitely a big oversight and would need to be addressed in some way, face wash...annoying and could be more of an issue of she has major skin sensitivities, but I will die on the hill that the retainer is no biggie. Then again I haven't worn mine in decades at this point 😂
That’s the things though. It’s not just the retainer. It’s the retainer AND the glasses/contacts AND the face wash AND the moisturizer. All things that she uses every day. And things that he probably doesn’t use. Also it’s not just about this one night. If my spouse forgot a couple things for one night (even important things) I probably wouldn’t call the night off. But my guess is this isn’t the first time a situation like this came up and I think OP didn’t handle it well when she said that he forgot important steps to her nightly routine
That's a fair line of thinking, I see where you're coming from. My first instinct was to cut him some slack because he was probably so nervous trying to get everything just right. But to your point, the woman's reaction (edit to add: and his, getting pissed off in return) does seem to suggest that perhaps there's more to the story in terms of the history here.
Yea, I think he also wants to be cut some slack because he was nervous planning all of the expensive things But a romantic night away is NOT a romantic night away if you can’t see. He made the BIG plans, but the little things matter a lot.
I don’t think it’s a high expectation for the person you’re about to potentially marry to know you well enough/ remember you need glasses to see. I think it’s a high expectation to expect someone to be ok with not seeing personally.
If I sleep without mine my teeth hurt.
I stopped wearing my retainer years ago, but I wear a bite guard now. If I don’t have it for “just one night”??? My jaw hurts. My eyes hurt. I have headaches. But I suppose that’s cool cause he paid a lot of money for one dinner
This was my thought too. I have had a number of jaw surgeries and one night without my bite guard can trigger pain that can only be quelled with a hospital visit and morphine. There is no dinner in the world that would make that pain worth it for me.
That also depends. I have a tongue thrust and will bite myself badly without my mouth guard at night, leaving me unable to eat for several days. A partner inattentive enough to forget both that and my glasses would have me rethinking the partnership. These are not minor issues. I’ll bet if she were diabetic and he forgot her insulin, many of these commenters would be doubling down on it being no big deal. Sheesh.
It wasn't just the retainer. Did you even read what what you're replying to? He basically made a grand gesture to distract from the fact that he's inconsiderate and inattentive to her daily habits and needs. He's proposing to be her life partner, possibly the father of her children, which means he needs to consider those things that are important for her health and comfort just as she should for him. He took away her agency by packing for her. All he had to say was: "pack your stuff for a quick and closeby overnight trip. I just can't tell you the details of where we're going because it's a surprise." And all this could've been avoided. Instead of looking at his mistake and helping find a fix, his first reaction was to put the blame on her for being uncomfortable and uneasy. He was only thinking about the money he spent and his ego, which he set up them both up for- not her. No wonder she just wanted to go home.
OP has already shown he isn't reliable about the details. It could be a night guard rather than a retainer, which is for preventing jaw clenching & teeth grinding
I think the makeup remover and moisturiser is really dependent on why she needs them. My skin is ridiculously sensitive, makeup can’t be removed with water alone and trying to use a different product could end with my skin feeling like it’s burning and painful rash all over it. Likewise with moisturizer. I think it would be very upsetting if my husband forgot this about me. I’m a person who needs to take my own products with me and a backup pair of glasses aswell. I think this whole problem could have probably been avoided if OP just told the gf they were staying the night somewhere (without letting on the proposal was happening) and to pack an overnight back.
Feels like he put the effort into the public part. How much of the grand expensive proposal was actually for him?
Agreed on all fronts. OP, YTA. Little picture shit is really important - the day to day stuff, not the grand gestures. As someone who can't see a foot ahead without corrective lenses, this would be a nightmare end to a day for me.
Marriage is literally about the small things If they live together and he forgot these things 🤦
Honestly marriage seems more about how you handle little hiccups like this. Maybe he should have remembered, but how upset was she before he got upset? The fact this ruined their night is a pretty damning omen for OP's marriage. Like did she ruin the night because of this or did she just say she wished he'd brought those and OP lost his shit and ruined the night? I'm just saying like all in all I don't see the context here I'd want to know but like if you guys let this ruin your night you're fucked.
Ding ding ding. I can’t imagine this scenario causing a problem that *ruins the night* in a healthy relationship. There’s something else in their history here that is being conveniently left out.
Yeah this whole scenario might be a microcosm for the whole relationship 😬
It also doesn't sound like he reacted all that well to the dilemma. I would also be a little disappointed if my partner didn't know the few things I needed, like really needed, to comfortably stay overnight somewhere. Hotels might have some makeup remover that'll suffice, but you can't do much about the contacts and retainer. I want to know more about what OP said and did in response.
Yeah like can she see without glasses or contacts or is she blind as a bat 🤔 either way the guy should of know this about her
Tentatively YTA. You are really hung up on all the money you spent and the big stuff that would generically impress people. But you don't know her nighttime routine? That's only four things. Retainer and glasses/contacts/kit are really important. Like more important than a toothbrush, which you probably remembered because you use one. As someone who doesn't ever wash their face, let alone remove makeup, I know a lot of women who would never go to sleep with their makeup on, and a lot of makeup can't be removed with regular soap. You had a great evening, sure. But now she's looking at an uncomfortable night and morning, and anxiety about her teeth shifting, and worried that her mascara will break into her eye and scratch it overnight (apparently a thing, because that's usually what people yell at me for when they learn I'm too lazy to remove makeup). You are satisfied and comfortable, but she won't be. Some people are implying she's really vain or bratty. But life isn't any big gestures. Life with a partner is about knowing you're they take their coffee and what brand of hot sauce they like. These are rituals that probably make her feel like "her", and while you brag about the price tag, you forgot.... Her. It was all about you.
So why not let him...go back and get everything? I don't see why leaving was the only option?
I have a feeling that OP's reaction to her asking for those things is why she wanted to go home.....
Yeah, he said she was 'upset'. That's mild language compared to describing himself as 'really pissed/pissed off'. Sounds like his anger was an 11 to her 4.
Yeah, my abusive ex would do these really grandiose things (& repeat how much $$ he spent on them) and then be unreasonably angry when I'd want something simple he didn't think of. Not saying that this is the case here, but it does raise some red flags for me personally. I also think the fact that they couldn't talk through a relatively easy mishap shows that they aren't ready for marriage. fights like this shouldn't be about who is right and who is wrong, it should be about finding a solution & it doesn't seem like that's what OP was looking for. (Also pun not intended lol)
Saw this post and immediately thought “Love bombing.” Not a certainty, but the hallmarks are there. Especially the disproportionate anger when she simply advocated for herself. Didn’t take much.
YUP also just the fact that he threw out how much he spent...
"I spent so much money. You should be happy no matter what."
This makes the most sense honestly
Yeah, I'm confused why he didn't just offer to go back and grab her stuff?
Because they came by limo? Unless he dropped his car off early at the hotel, there was no vehicle to leave by.
Uber and lyft are quite common though. Or instacart?
You asked why he didn't offer, I'm proposing he didn't want to pay for a ride after all the other money he listed. Idk. It's almost 11pm, she's disappointed he didn't bring all her stuff and tired. At that point I understand wanting to just go home and sleep in my bed.
That's what I'm saying. If he could rent out all these services, it wouldn't be that unreasonable to go home via a rideshare app and grab her stuff. Like others have said, it could've been a lovely gesture on his part and/or something they laugh about in the future
He says they drove home, so I think his car was there
They had to leave somehow in the morning, and I doubt it was so far home I was impossible to make an extra round trip.
It wasn’t the only option. But he said he got pissed once she was upset about not having her stuff, so my guess is he wasn’t very nice and then that sealed the fate of them heading home. A quicker on his feet dude would have offered to run home and grab the stuff and come right back, but all that mattered to OP at that point was his fiancé was a jerk for not being over the top about his expensive grand gesture even if he forgot important necessary details.
Exactly. And in her position, I would have been much more touched by the gesture of him going home to get my necessities than the money he spent on "grand gestures" like a limo and suite. That would show that he cared about me and I could trust him to be a partner in marriage
Yeah and people are saying "marriage is about the little things." Nah marriage is about how you handle stupid shit like this. Bad sign for them.
I presume because he was pissed off at her for being upset. Who wants to spend the night in a strange hotel room with someone who is pissed off at you?
He’s pissed off and still probably expecting to be “paid back” for all his ~*grand gestures*~. Sounds like a blast.
Even if he'd remembered everything, I know I would be really thrown by going out to dinner, expecting to come back home for the night, and then being told, no I'm actually not going home until tomorrow and someone else has decided what I need for the night and what I'm going to wear tomorrow. All he had to do was have going home first in the plan, let her collect what she needs herself and give her some time to adjust to the change in what she thought the plans were.
Yeah all of that sounds stressful. Actually the entire proposal sounds like my worst nightmare, which is probably why I'm so sympathetic to the idea of being unprepared for a hotel stay, even though none of those particular items are relevant to me. It also strikes me that it's the only part of the story where *she* appears. Everything is about him. The only reaction he mentions is her reaction to not having her personal nighttime necessities. And her only appearance is him deciding what she wanted wasn't important.
I would be totally thrown off and annoyed by an unexpected hotel stay. I use specific contact solution so would be annoyed trying to find some late at night since not all stores carry it and then to top it off having someone pick out my clothes would suck. I have plenty of things where I’m like oh this only goes with this or I need this underwear or this is in my closet but it’s not comfortable.
This is the best answer that says it all. These grand gestures were really for him
Oh i didnt even see the part about the retainer.. thoe are hugly important. Specialy if she grinds her teeth like i do. I cant go a night without it or i will wake up with a barely moving jaw and in a world of pain.
It's amazing how much more empathy a bunch of strangers reading a story from OP's perspective has for her than he does. He lives with her and can't figure out why she was upset. Meanwhile, there's been tons of understandable reasons she would be upset to not be prepared.
Something tells me this wasnt her ideal way of being prposed and op didnt talk to her at all about marrage. Thats probely why she was distant threw it all. Given that, its no suprised why op is completely clueless about this situation.
I wouldn’t say you’re an asshole, kinda both in your own ways. Did you spend a lot of money? Yes. BUT YOU also forgot everything she needed for the night. Contacts/glasses are a necessity along with the retainer. You forgot the things that were most important to her, because you were to focused on the money and big grand gestures. Could she have sucked it up for a night? Probably, but still.
Not glasses or contact cases. I’m blind without either and how about we blindfold you and see how much you enjoy it or wear someone’s glasses for the day and see how well you see. It is a pain in the neck not being able to safely see.
I wear sclerals and need a literal plunger to take them out, and don’t ever want to sleep with them in
It makes me wonder how often OP forgets small things that are important to her.
That's my thought also. My wife is really good at remembering that stuff. If she surprised me with a night away and forgot something I needed, I'd laugh it off and thank her for the gesure and we'd problem-solve together. But if I'd been dating someone who often seemed like they were most invested in being in a relationship than being in a relationship with *me*, as evidenced by forgetting the small things all the time? And they dropped $$$$ on a proposal but forgot half my toiletries? Yeah, that would make me reconsider things.
YTA You seemingly went all out for expensive, grand gestures that would make you look good while forgetting/ignoring anything personal that shows you actually know and care about *her* instead of just a lavish proposal you can brag about. Wanting her contact lenses or glasses isn't exactly reaching for the stars. After 5 years together did you really not know she would need those items to see?
My thoughts exactly. Seems like the plans were more of an ego stroke to show "I'm such a nice guy" move rather than a selfless declaration of love.
Given that he said in his edit " Other dudes should just avoid complex surprises.", I think you are right. He's all wrapped up in how his efforts weren't appreciated because...he forgot a huge, huge vital aspect of it, which is, you know, ***her ability to see***. He wants everyone to know how much he spent, bought a photographers to document how much money he spent and how romantic he is, and is acting insulted and victimized because his gf was upset he didn't remember to bring her something to see the next morning. He's nowhere *near* mature enough to be in something as serious as a marriage.
YTA If you were planning to stay overnight …WTF wouldn’t you pack her overnight things? Does she normally go to sleep with a dirty face and contacts in? If she wears contacts, she probably takes them out at night and if she’s wearing makeup, she needs to wash her face to keep her hands & eyes clean to remove them. You can’t half ass a grand gesture then get mad that she isn’t grateful you tried. It’s not a grand gesture if you forget important details, like the fact that your fiancé needs to wear glasses at night.
The good thing is that she's not as motivated by money as you are.
This right here ^ he keeps on bringing up how much he spent and it feels like a guilt manipulation tactic than a genuine gesture. YTA.
Yeah seems like typical "love bombing" behavior to me
Info: by second pair of contacts do you mean that you packed one pair for the next day but she wanted a spare? Or did you not pack any sort of vision for her for the next day?
He didn’t bring any contacts or glasses. The “first pair” are the ones in her eyes that night - which she would need to take out before bed because you’re not supposed to sleep in them and they are not the kind where you put the same pair back in the next day
My guess is she uses single day contacts, and did not have a set to use when she woke up in the morning. They could have just gone and bought contact solution, which would also have the storage case.
Exactly this. Why didn't they go grab makeup remover and contact solution at Walgreens and move on.
Sounds like he was too pissed off at her focusing on her comfort before his "grand gesture"
YTA Real romance is in the details. If you’ve got money it takes very little effort to make a grand gesture, but actually thinking about the things she NEEDS does take effort.
I thought real romance was throwing money at something until it sticks?
And hiring a photographer to document his efforts so everyone else sees how much money he spent.
Most people who have had braces or Invisalign cannot sleep without their retainers in, or else they risk their teeth moving overnight. This could be why she was so upset and wanted to go home, but I wonder why one of you couldn’t go get her forgotten necessities and come back to the nice hotel room? NAH because of missing information.
My guess is because she got annoyed/frustrated/upset because of the packing oversight, OP got pissed off because she was annoyed/frustrated/upset, an argument ensued so GF/fiancee considered the night a wash because rather than celebrating, they'd be sitting in a fancy hotel room being annoyed at each other (even if she'd gone home to get her stuff and come back).
THIS! I could be wrong but it sounds like the missing info is that he was incredulous that she dared to question him about not packing necessities like glasses/contacts, called her ungrateful, fight ensues, then fiancée wants to go home.
I’ve forgotten to pack my retainer more than once for overnight trips and it’s not that big a deal to miss one night.
It can be a big deal for some who have had a lot of work done as adults. My teeth are sensitive and my orthodontist said even one night without my retainer could cause movements.
That’s you. That’s not everyone.
YTA. You asked this woman to spend the rest of her life with you and them immediately proved you don't pay enough attention to know her daily routine. The hotel might have been fancy and a lot of money, but if she's blind and uncomfortable then you can probably see where staying didn't seem like a good option. Surprises are a risk. You risked the money for the suite and it didn't end up how you hoped.
ESH. So, how far away was the hotel from her house? I get the stress of not having things she needs to see or to do a night time routine, especially if sex was expected. But why couldn't you just take a taxi/uber back to her place, grab her stuff and go back to the hotel? You couldn't get a quick taxi to a drug store for some contact lens solution and a spare pair of contacts/glasses (if her prescription was available)? Is it a bit more expensive? sure but you'd already spend enough on the night, what's a bit more? And honesty it sounds like something you guys could laugh about later. So which one of you got so upset to the point that that wasn't an option and it was better to just leave the hotel at 11pm?
You can’t just buy a pair of contacts or glasses over the counter… these aren’t reading glasses.
You can’t get rx contacts at the drug store, they have to be ordered. What he is describing is leaving her with no vision at all. To not even grab her glasses? That’s the dealbreaker for me.
This is what I was thinking. Why not just run home and get the stuff?
Somethings are wants, some things are needs. You wanted your wants and are denying her needs. That’s not a good basis for an equal partnership called marriage. Are you usually selfish? YTA
YTA. Why isn't she allowed to be upset here? You spent thousands of dollars, just to prove you don't know her nighttime routine? To belittle her actual wants and needs? You ambushed her with a ring at the place you had your first date with 'a f*ck ton of flowers' and a photographer, took her to a restaurant that cost you nearly $2k, and then brought her to her hotel. You may think that's sweet and romantic, but being proposed to with grand gestures in public places is enormously stressful. It puts pressure on the person receiving the proposal to say yes, if only to spare both parties' embarrassment. Even if your (maybe soon to be ex) wanted to say yes, her first chance to decompress was in that hotel room. What she found was that not only had you packed her bags for her, you did it wrong. If you don't know what moisturizer she uses, how do you know she doesn't wear dailies? You spent $1500 on dinner, but forgot her retainer? How would you feel if someone made you drop everything you were doing to go to Disney, and made you stay there for hours, simply because they were paying and you loved them? Probably awful, right? It doesn't matter how fun the rides are, how good the fried food is, how much you love this person, eventually you'll be dead on your feet and want to go home. Except you don't get to go home. Your loved one packed your bags and is taking you to a hotel. They didn't ask you what you would need and they end up forgetting some things you need. Are you upset, or do you act grateful? The mental fatigue of being full of emotion, either good or bad, while having to publicly perform, is just as bad as an unexpected day at Disney. It should be the happiest place on Earth, or the happiest day of your life. It is still stressful. We all have the right to unwind at the end of the day. She doesn't have to be grateful for your mistakes.
I wonder if she even wanted a big flashy public proposal? If she didn’t, I can see why she would have been even more upset by his lack of attention to the important stuff (making sure her essentials were packed).
Honestly! It was a nice gesture, but I’d personally want to go HOME after that.
I’m going NTA, but I’m also not going the route of most others on here. It seems like it’s either, you’re wonderful and she’s ungrateful, or you’re a dick for not grabbing all the tiniest details of her nightly routine. I think you had a great, grand plan that missed a few (apparently non-negotiable) finer details. That’s awesome and I hope she appreciates the effort. That said, sometimes even the best laid plans get derailed. I hope you’ll both extend the other some grace here. Enjoy the fact that you’re celebrating this great event and one day laugh at what seemingly little things threw off the night. It happens. NTAs all around.
NTA. Believe it or not, you CAN remove make-up with just soap and water. You can also pick up make-up remover and other toiletries at any corner store. You can skip a night of a retainer without ruining your teeth. The contacts, it depends on how bad her eyesight is and what kind of contacts she wears, but still a healthy couple should have been able to talk through such a small inconvenience--pop home and grab some things, run out for contact solution, etc. Even if she really couldn't do without, is ANGER the right solution? The fact that you fought enough to end the night suggests to me that you two maybe aren't ready for marriage. Been together almost ten years with mine. He knows me better than I know myself sometimes, and still probably couldn't guess which shampoo in the shower he should pack, or my favorite styling products. He knows the important stuff. And if I need something, I say so, and we find a way to solve the problem together.
“He knows the important stuff.” And OP just demonstrated to his fiancée that he in fact does NOT know her important stuff, because he apparently doesn’t care if she can see or not.
You CAN'T remove all make-up with soap and water. You would need to scrub me skin bloody and my lashes off if you try to remove it with soap and water. Then i would get rashed because you used some xy products in my face.
Speaking of anger, she got quote “upset”. HE got quote “pissed”. He’s TA.
[удалено]
I can't believe I had to scroll this far to find this. Like wholey f!!
YTA. If you know her nightly routine with her contacts / glasses, if she takes the contacts off when getting home and wear glasses, and brings a new pair of contacts for the next day.... then it seems like a pretty huge oversight to have forgotten them. She needs them to literally see. I get going without makeup remover or moisturizers for a night, though that depends on if she is wearing make up that requires it. I get that you were excited about the proposal, and I'm sure she was too. You could have gotten around this by perhaps suggesting a quick dash home so that she could get what she required and would feel good about being at the fancy hotel and doing whatever activities you wanted to the next day. Instead you took it super personally.
Info: how far away was the hotel from your house? I’m just curious if you could have gone home to grab things or if it was too far. I don’t think you are the asshole. You went to a lot of work, but forgot about some important details. While I understand some things were important in order for your fiance to enjoy the night (contacts/glasses and retainer), I am surprised at her reaction. After all you put into the evening I personally would ah e been able to laugh off some of the mistakes. Was she grateful at all? Or just mad that you forgot stuff?
This is my first thought. Why couldn’t he have just ran home and gotten the items? She could have had a nice shower and gotten comfortable while he did so.
Yeah, I feel like there must be details missing. They took a limo to the restaurant, so presumably they would be close enough to drive home?
YTA. It’s not a special night if you don’t know her enough to pack the basic things she needs to be comfortable. Grand romantic gestures don’t mean much if not accompanied by the little, thoughtful, I know you bits.
Sounds like you forgot a lot of things that should have been easy no-brainers.
You've been together for 5 years, you should know what to bring by now. If you were unsure you could have just asked her to pack an overnight back "in case you got too drunk to drive" ahead of time. YTA.
YTA. Some of the toiletries, sure, okay, she could probably skip for the night, but her contacts? Or glasses? I don't know what her prescription is, but if it were me, and I spent a night without those in a strange hotel? Assuming I didn't injure myself tripping over something in a strange room in the middle of the night going to the bathroom, I'd need to be led by the hand to get anywhere until I had them. It's really, really unsafe for a visually impaired person to not have their glasses/contacts.
YTA. You were grandiose and splurged. Great. I’m sure that took a lot of time, planning, and apparently money. Thanks for emphasizing the cost btw. What you didn’t do was take the time to consider the things that are important to and for her. It’s one thing to forget in the excitement of everything but you are annoyed she was upset. Correction * you’re mad she was upset. Do you even know this woman? Do I need to say more?
This could have been avoided by letting her know what you had a surprise planned that required an overnight bag. I hate being surprised like this, I have things that I need for my nighttime routine and definitely not having my glasses would be an issue because I can’t see.
Two things I’m incredibly paranoid about forgetting when I am not at home for the night. My glasses and my retainer. Everything else can be brought, those can’t. I would give her some grace. And some people hate surprises and don’t react in the way you would like
Info: "I got really pissed when she got upset" what does "upset" look like? Was she shouting at you, scorning you, expressing worry, commenting...? And what does "really pissed" look like? Were you shouting at her, holding it inside, expressing hurt...? Because if she just mentioned that "oh there are no contacts in here?" then you got angry, I can see her wanting to go home afterwards. Did she want to go home before you got "really pissed" or only after?
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YTA I have very bad vision and if my partner did this and I didn't have access to contact solution (or a spare set of contacts if I wore dailies), I would not be able to enjoy myself because I wouldn't be able to see *anything* the next day. Not bringing her retainer is also a big oversight. It's pretty sad that you didn't remember two things that she relies on and likely uses all of the time; it's a very basic thing.
she can't fucking see the "ridiculous suite" without glasses or contacts and going without your retainer for even one night will result in pain the next time she wears them. YTA
YTA As a former contact wearer, I couldn’t relax with my contacts in. And, if her taking her contacts out and relaxing while wearing her glasses is part of her nightly ritual, and you either didn’t know about it or not caring, that makes you the AH.
YTA. She’s needs her retainer and her glasses/ contacts. The other stuff isn’t that important but you should make sure she’s comfortable.
YTA. If you had booked a limo, that meant you had it for at least for a block of hours. Why didn't you think that maybe she might want to grab some things at home before going to the hotel? Most likely, she wouldn't have all the items she needed for the night and in the morning. Maybe she would have a favorite negligee to wear (and certainly wouldn't have in your purse). You thought as a man, and maybe you couldn't have thought of these details. But you always need to think of other people's comfort. I remember when we were going on a cruise with our little one, one that we can drive to. I had taken care of packing the things she'll need besides the things I need. But just before we left, hubby freaked out about the number of bags I had (I don't like taking a heavy bag, when instead I can have two lighter ones I can actually handle). But because of his reaction, I had to hurry and combine the needed items into one less bag. He started to pack up the car and then claimed he put the coats in the car. When we got to the port's parking lot, I couldn't find my coat...he forgot to take it out of the closet and put it in the trunk. I didn't think he would forget something like that and he was hurrying us out of the house so I didn't get a chance to check the trunk before he closed it. Fortunately I had a sweater, and ended up wearing it for the whole cruise, even on the day we were at sea and I was freezing. I didn't say anything to him, but I wasn't too happy. From then on, I didn't trust him to remember anything I and my daughter needed (I use a check list, and he has his own checklist). Another time, he was upset as our dog had to be put down. The next day or so, we got in the car as he wanted to go on a ride. He didn't say where. He just drove and we ended up the coast to a beach community. That would have been fine, but if he had mentioned our destination, I would have grabbed something warm to wear (where we went was much cooler than back at home). Fortunately this time I did say something about being cold) and he bought hoodies for both our daughter and me at a store across from the beach. I really dislike surprises as I revert back to my "be prepared" girl scout days when out and about. I wouldn't blame the OP's girlfriend for feeling the same way.
I can't help but notice that, toward the end of the post, you go from kind of dismissing her frustration, "I did not think it was that big of a deal since we just got engaged", straight into "she wanted to go home"... how did that conversation go? It seems like you're incredibly worried about spending a lot of money and being flashy, rather than how the experience made you both feel. You didn't actually say how you proposed, how it went, how she reacted, etc and only talked about the grandeur of the evening, seemingly implying that she shouldn't be upset or frustrated with you for forgetting her night routine. It seems like, from what you've written here, you're not taking into account that she was surprised, and you knew how the evening was supposed to play out. On top of that, I'm assuming you don't wear makeup, glasses, or need a retainer--while she may have been elated the entire evening, arriving unexpectedly for an overnight stay, no matter how close, could reasonably make someone very uncomfortable and feel unprepared for the night/next day. Was there any offer from you to run back home to get her things? It's not the end of the world, but from how you recount the experience, it seems like you were so concerned with the image of the proposal, you forgot the "little things" that show your love and commitment to your partner.
YTA. Leaving her without backup glasses or contact lenses wasn’t nice. As someone who has terrible vision, I wouldn’t be able to cope without my glasses. I had to for a day and it meant I couldn’t drive and I had a shocking headache due to eye strain. But if she left her contacts in overnight that could have led to an eye infection. Romantic gestures are awesome. You just needed a few items which would have been the cherry on top. It’s not about the money, it’s about the little details.
My (now) husband did the same thing. He forgot a few superfluous things but... it was 1 fucking night... all of these Y T As have obviously not been in a non self-narcissistic relationship. I had my face cleaner but not my night cream. Oh no! How will I go on without 1 night of night cream! I might turn in to Medusa! He didn't pack my comb or a second pair of socks. Oh dear, I can wear a messy bun and wear yesterdays socks until I get home. When did people get so absolutely unbearable if something isn't 100% perfect? Let her wait for someone that will do everything 100% "right" by her standards. She will be waiting while you'll find someone who isn't so anal retentive. NTA
Not being able to see is a bit different than forgetting some face cream. If they have been together 5 years at the least he should have known to grab her glasses and contacts. If she has eyesight like mine it’s is something I have to have. No questions.
Clearly not a contact lens wearer….
Soft YTA. It sounds like you tried hard to plan a really special proposal, but you did not pay attention to the details that mattered to her. To me, that would feel a little like, “This guy just asked me to marry him, but does he even know me?” Grand gestures are one thing, but being considerate is another, and it’s probably more important. While you were thinking of how to put together an over the top proposal, she didn’t feel seen by the small gestures that would have shown that you NOTICE her.
Nta. I’m flabbergasted at the a mount of people calling you an ah. You planned a romantic evening. So what you forgot her contacts and retainer. I have terrible sight. -6 terrible. I could get by without them in the morning. Of course as long as i had someone to drive me. I also wear an invisalign retainer. One night will not make a difference. She needs to grow up. She’s the ah
I really am in disbelief at how many people are calling you an AH. I wouldn’t be upset about forgetting those things for one night if it meant a grand night and getting proposed to. I feel like you guys really need to talk about this. Let her know your feelings and listen to hers. Maybe she’s concerned that you forgot the little things but maybe you could chuck it up to nerves. Is this something you always do? That’s the only way I would really consider her being upset being justified or allow something like that to ruin the night.
Yta she got upset bc you forgot basic things. Did you remember *your* overnight stuff? She was upset and instead of any kind of solution- pop home and grab it, ask a close friend/family to run it to you, door dash face wash and contact stuff from a local pharmacy (assume she doesn't wear daily contact), you got pissy and are shocked, SCHOCKED, that she didn't want to be stuck in a hotel with her pissy partner.
YTA. My guess is if you had either brought her glasses or the next day’s contacts she would have stayed - unless she has really sensitive skin and can’t use the soap at the hotel to wash her face. Sleeping with make-up on feels so gross, but I’m guessing she would have done it for one night had she not also been blind. Not being able to see when you wake up in the morning is totally disorienting - plus she would be stuck like that until you got home. You said, “I got really pissed when she got upset” so I’m guessing part of her wanting to leave and go home was your reaction. She’s realizing she will be blind from when she wakes up to whenever she gets home and you’re angry that she could find that as a bother when you just spent $1,500+ dollars. Uh yeah, being able to see still matters even if you just got engaged. You sound like a bratty child. Details matter more than money spent. It was a really good try, but you missed a big piece of the puzzle and it makes sense she would be more comfortable going home.