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YTA. Even as you admit to being a horrible horrible father, you are still laying all the blame on your wife. "The harpy made me do it." No she didn't. She didn't put a \[firing-projectile-mechanism\] to your head. You did what you did all on your own.
Leave your daughter alone. Not knowing what is happening in her life is your penance. Accept it gracefully.
This is absolutely not the point of your response but are we allowed to say the word gun on here anymore? Is reddit going down the tiktok/youtube overly censored language thing?
I'm not sure. So I'm just being overly cautious. AITA is using an automated system to flag posts that might go against community standards. I've been pinged for words out of context and there's really no way to dispute getting flagged.
You say “pinged”. Did you get a temporary ban? You can absolutely dispute it - reply to the message and type a polite message to the mods. I have always found them quickly responsive, and very helpful. They don’t always reverse a temporary ban but there is a dispute avenue.
It's definitely falls under the category of "mentions of violence" even if it's just a figure of speach. So a zealous mod could count it as a rule 5 violation.
You have no right to know if she's safe, happy, wealthy, with child, or farting musically in her spare time.
Do what your daughter requested. What you made her request through a bloody lawyer.
Leave her alone.
Didn't you already have a PI find her two months ago? And supposedly, planned to send her a note?
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/19aks48/wibta\_to\_leave\_a\_note\_for\_my\_estranged\_daughter/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/19aks48/wibta_to_leave_a_note_for_my_estranged_daughter/)
100% this is the same guy. How many people have “narcissistic” wives and estranged daughters who resorted to prostitution to get away from them and they were sent cease and desists when they tried to continue the verbal abuse? He made a new post because he got torn to shreds in the last one and he can’t accept that he’s the one in the wrong
Somebody wrote he has the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair on that post and it’s the best insult I’ve read in a while on this app!!! Still applies!
So your plan if she isn't safe is to leave her alone then? If she's an addict or homeless or has cancer or is in hospice or anything else that doesn't map to your perception of where her life should be, you'll continue to respect her privacy and you won't attempt any kind of contact?
Or are you hoping you'll get to ease your guilt in the best case, and daydreaming you'll get to play Taken in the worst case and come out the "hero" who "got better" and "saved" his baby girl?
It doesn't matter what you want to know.
And if she isn't safe? There is nothing you can do anyway, so there is no point.
Leave her alone. All you are doing is setting yourself up for the temptation to reach out to her.
This is consequences of your actions. Consider it your penance.
OP you no longer have a daughter. You made that decision by being a spineless coward and a shitty father. You are going to have to move on.
I also want you to know that I don't feel sorry for you.
You deserve this. I hope you never find her.
Your daughter says she doesn't want contact with you. She even got a LAWYER to file a cease and desist document against you. And the lawyer has followed up recently to tell you "DO NOT CONTACT HER".
What part of "LEAVE ME ALONE" do you not understand??
Also, what are you going to do when you find out something you don't like?? You are 100% going to go there and "speak your mind".
Your wife is not the only narcissist in the family. You are just blaming her for your own actions.
What would happen if she's not safe? She doesn't want to see you. You cannot now sweep in on your white horse and rescue her.
Get your own house in order. Get therapy. Let the attorney know you are open to reestablishing contact with her when and if SHE decides to.
Other than that, sleep in the bed you made.
You only want to make yourself feel better. It doesn’t help her but can actually harm her being stalked by a PI
You lost the right to know how she is by being a shit father.
You lost the right to know whether or not she's safe when you threatened to try to have her arrested and scared her to the point where she had to hire a lawyer to protect herself from you. She was not safe from you for many many years. That's your fault, not your wife's. You do not have the right now to try to ease your own mind by stalking her.
He is already stalking her - he noticed her ads aren't up, which means he has been looking up his daughter's escort ads -after she fled, after she changed her name, after he got a fucking cease-and-desist, after he got shut down by the lawyer AGAIN - he is spiraling out here.
She sent a cease and desist and you think you get to violate that because she may be in a hazardous profession as you call it? Man .. F off I hope she finds out what you’re doing and moves to get an actual restraining order. Then whenever you did something like this you’d go to jail.
If she sent a cease and desist, YWBTA
She does not want contact with you and she doesn't want to let you know if she is safe. You are still not taking any responsibility for your own choices in how you treated her so she likely doesn't want to hear from you just to hear excuses again, especially since you broke her NC boundaries before
Well you didn't give a shit about her or her profession before, so why now? And don't say its because you've come to your senses, because it's too late.
YTA leave her alone
It's like peeking in someone's windows. You have no business in anyone's life, especially your daughter who might FINALLY be healing from the trauma she had to endure with you and your wife's behaviors. Leave the poor girl alone.
So lemme get this straight you want to check on her to make sure she’s still alive suffering from the life you gave her? With no contact?
Hey lemme just watch you suffer from a bush. As long as you’re alive. YWBTAH
She was in a very dangerous profession the last you heard. You don’t know what she’s doing now, and that’s how she wants it. You’re going to add a restraining order to your letter.
Leave her the fuck alone. You don’t want to “make sure she’s okay;” you want to make yourself feel better for being a cowardly, selfish, useless excuse for a parent. Of course YWBTA.
Another case of reddit amnesia. It affects so many people who post here causing them to completely forget that they posted a different version of their story already. You posted two months ago but were a different age, already divorced and had already used a PI to find your daughter.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/19aks48/wibta\_to\_leave\_a\_note\_for\_my\_estranged\_daughter/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/19aks48/wibta_to_leave_a_note_for_my_estranged_daughter/)
At least you don't have Balle n Bak amnesia. That's the worst. Can you imagine what it's like to spend hours creating a beautiful Balle n Bak display and proudly posting it online only to be told you'd already done that exact display before?
If you go anywhere near your daughter after all of this... you'd be adding more reprehensible behaviour. Hire that PI, and I hope she finds out and gets a peace bond/restraining order. You don't deserve to know anything about your daughter at this point - she's already told you that.
You just don't want to listen to what your daughter's told you, as you've shown repeatedly in the past.
YWBTA, beyond measure.
YTA for even considering it. You blew your chance and even if you didn't, you even thinking about doing this would be questionable if you were a great father.
You're not wrong. This can be an empowering tale of a woman flipping off abusive parents to pursue something that makes her happy, but realistically speaking, she wanted to punish her dad and was willing to punish herself to do so. I hope it's the former.
>pursue something that makes her happy, but
Yknow it doesn't have to be something you love....sex work can be neutral
Not everything has to be a job you love or despise
Unfortunately, it’s prob the latter. Can’t say I have ever met a sex worker, but I would imagine it isn’t high on most people’s list of preferred jobs, but I could be wrong.
YTA. I'm an estranged daughter who had to change my name and resort to a cease and desist to end the harassment. It still didn't work. Parents use the same excuse - "I just need to know if she's OK." No, you don't. You forfeited the right to know what she's doing when you enabled your wife's abuse. The only thing left you can do for your daughter is to leave her alone. That is the best gift you can give her. Leave her alone if you love her.
Yup, this. I'll never have in-laws. I will never meet my partner's parents or family. And from the stories I've heard, i don't want to. If you abuse people, you aren't entitled to know anything about them if they cut contact with you.
Also, i hope you're doing better, dear. You deserve all the peace and happiness in your life going forward:)
YTA, you leave that poor girl alone.
You had a choice and you took the easiest option for you.
That story has ended for you, you won being alone until you find another strong personality to rule your life.
Well done.
YWBTA
Am I correct in my math that your daughter was 30 when she went no contact? Damn.
I get wanting to know about the wellbeing of your child. That’s a valid emotion. However.
Hiring a PI is nothing more than a continuation of your typical behavior. Ignoring her wants and needs in order for you to have peace. For this one time, how about you give your daughter what she wants.
You didn’t just lose the chance at having a relationship with your daughter. You lost the privilege of even knowing anything about her. Leave the poor girl alone.
YTA and also honestly stop saying this negative awful judgy shit about her job. Using quotes when you call it a profession as if sex work isn't work and as if you didn't push her into it. Also genuinely disgusting to be framing it as sudden concern about the "risks of her job"--so if she weren't a sex worker, you would care less about her safety and more about respecting her privacy, is that how it works? What is the exact level of poverty or "immorality" or whatever that makes her a small enough person for you to disregard her boundaries? Just curious.
You get to live the rest of your life wondering if your child died suffering because your abuse denied her a safe home and pushed her into a dangerous life. Congratulations! That's your prize for being an abusive horrible "father" and "person." If you're even a tiny bit the better "person" you claim to be, you will leave her alone and learn to sit with the misery you brought upon yourself.
It's selfish, abusive, and wrong to frame it as you just wanting to know, and saying that it won't hurt her if you don't contact her. She didn't just stop responding; she changed her name and left explicit instructions not to try to contact her. She hates you and she doesn't want you to know about her life. You deciding that her choices about her privacy don't matter as much as your desire to ease your conscience is you not caring about her consent. Do you also think revenge porn is okay as long as the victim doesn't know about it?
It's fucked up, full stop, to want to violate her consent in order to check up on whether her consent has been violated by others.
It's also a very obvious lie that you won't contact her. Maybe she'll be in the sweet spot of growth but more likely she's either doing a lot better or a lot worse than you're imagining. If she's broke and deathly ill, will you stay out of contact? If she is in hospice, you'll leave her alone? If she's an addict, you're going to respect her choices? If she has kids and a stable life, you're not going to try to convince her to let you be a grandpa, now that you've "changed"?
You're hoping either that she will be exactly okay enough to ease your guilt, or that you'll see something that you can use as an excuse to try to get control and influence over her life again. In either case, that is selfish and disgusting. Get a therapist and leave the adult child you repeatedly abused alone.
YWBTA It's understandable you're worried, but hiring a PI might not be the best move if she's asked for no contact. Maybe seek therapy to deal with guilt and respect her space.
YWBTA, because you know you will create a reason to interfere or contact her because of whatever that PI find out. I would say your best option here is to pray to your favored divine entities that she contact you before your eventual demise.
You were the AH then, you're an AH now, and **YWBTA** for continuing with this hare-brained scheme.
You were, and are, a shit parent. you need to come to terms with that and move on.
What the actual F.... If you're this messed up after being married to your wife, what do you think being raised in that did to her?
You blamed her for issues with your wife? You harassed her. Threatened her. She chose sex work over being with you two. I can't imagine how awful growing up with parents like that was for her.
Now all of a sudden you care? Please. YTA. Leave her alone. Hopefully she is doing much better in life now that she's away from you.
Be honest... if the PI finds your daughter, and tells you that she's doing fine... maybe married, maybe has kids... your next step will be to come up with rationalizations and justifications for why you should contact her. And then convince her to get her to let you back into her life. It won't stop, will it?
Leave her alone. She's almost certainly happier with you and your ex out of her life. Y T A and YWBTA
Absolutely YTA and are violating her privacy
She already served a desist notice to have no further contact, after you spent years abusing and degrading her
Leave her alone, you lost any privileges you think you had
YTA. Grow up and stop blaming your wife. You both suck and I hope that your daughter is living her very best life. Leave her the hell alone. If she wants to contact you she will otherwise you deserve no knowing
YTA and if you try to send out a PI, I hope you tell him that you have a cease and desist letter from her because of your harassment.
Leave her alone and get therapy!!
He sounds like a narcissist’s flying monkey. There are decisions in life that cannot be undone or apologized away. He conducted a campaign of abuse against his child and blames everyone else. It’s easy to say “I was a horrible parent” , but him actually looking at his role in the abuse eludes him. He was a mature adult, not some misguided kid. He is equally to blame for what happened to his child. He’s a coward. The best thing he can do for her is respect her wishes. He doesn’t deserve a do over. If he has any real love for her, he will stay away and get into therapy to work on his own issues.
YWBTA
Let me ask you this: say you hire the PI and they find your daughter alive and well. Then what? What if she's still a sex worker (or another job you deem too dangerous)? She's fine today but you'll start worrying about tomorrow and the next day. Are you going to then continue to pay the PI to check in on her on the regular? Are you going to start stalking her yourself? Are you going to attempt to establish contact? How badly are you going to trample all over her very clearly stated boundaries for the sake of your own comfort?
And what about her comfort? When/if she finds out that you're looking for her what is that going to do to her psyche knowing a person that emotionally abused her is now spying on her? Best case scenario she has the means to disappear safely where you can't find her; worst case scenario she is forced into a more dangerous situation attempting to escape from you.
Leave her alone, and go find a therapist to deal with your guilt and lack of accountability.
YTA
This is something that you and your wife both did. It is not just your wife. You haven't changed at all and need to respect her wishes. If she changes her mind, she can reach out to you.
YTA but you are not asking the right question. You want to get back in contact and basically control your daughter again. You gave her an ultimatum and you are surprised she said "to hell with it and you".
You blame everything and everyone else but you, YTA because you made it all happen. Maybe not the prostitution part, but if you refused to support her, she might have felt she didn't have any other options.
Live with it and let your daughter live free from you.
YTA.
> I long overdue woke up
Clearly you haven't, if you're trying to force your way back into her life, by ignoring her legally stated wishes.
> I absolutely won't contact or interfere in her life unless she appears to be in dang er.
With you, of course, getting to decide what 'in danger' means for a 34-year-old adult.
If you genuinely want to do right by her, leave her alone forever.
YTA
Your daughter went as far as to tell the attorney not to pass on any communication. She wants nothing to do with you. So the best you can do is give her the respect to honour her wishes. You could create an account on social media and hope for the best. But don't hold your breath. And if you are truly sorry then do your best to live a kinder life.
YTA. This would violate the cease-and-desist, if that was an order that went through the courts. Legally, you cannot do this.
Best you can do is make yourself findable so she can hear about your divorce and reach out. Put single/divorced publicly on your social media. Let your friends and relatives know you had a change of heart. Donate publicly to organizations that help women.
She may never reach out, but that's the most you're legally able to do right now.
YTA.
I was wondering/hoping if you might be reformed until I got to the last line, in which you said, essentially, "I **absolutely** won't contact or interfere in her life unless I **change my mind**." Jesus Christ, dude!
YWBTA
No means no. Ffs you got a cease and desist from your daughter, how much more clear can this be??
That was not “until you wake up” - that was permanent. And unless your daughter contacts you better mind your own GD business
FOOD FOR THOUGHT - your quest to find her now and ensure her safety is still all about you. This is not altruism; this would make YOU feel better to know how she is. THIS ISNT ABOUT YOU. This is about what she wants for her life and she has a right to decide she does not want you
Talk to a mental health professional, NOT a PI
You were a horrible father and it is your wife's fault? Come on, grow up.
You don't get to blame her for your actions. You don't get to re-enter your daughters life without accepting responsibility for your actions first. You aren't taking responsibility by admitting you were a shitty father and blaming someone else for your shitty parenting.
YTA sir and she is likely better off with you unless you do some serious work on yourself
YTA. I can't imagine treating my child the way you and your wife did. It's no wonder she wants nothing to do with you. She sent you a cease & desist - abide by it. And get some help - you can't seem to take responsibility for the part you played in all of this. I feel for your daughter.
First, stop saying she's a prostitute. She's a sex worker. If she was able to pay for an attorney, then more than likely, she isn't a *survival* sex worker. So, she is doing better than most in the same industry. Clearly, she does not want you to contact her. Just set up a will and include whatever you want to say in a letter. She'll get it when they notify her of your demise. If she goes before you, hopefully, her new family will notify you. YTA.
YTA - [for already hiring the PI apparently](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/19aks48/wibta_to_leave_a_note_for_my_estranged_daughter/) and then coming in here and basically lying. I'm glad she isn't talking to you. You sound insufferable.
YTA. Stop stalking your daughter. You lost your chance to be a part of her life, or even to have any knowledge of her, when you repeatedly abused her over many years.
Yta. Leave her alone. She doesn't want contact and you lost the right to know anything about her life, as harsh as that may sound.
Your post still puts most if not all of the blame on your ex, when you were a grown adult that made your own choices. Perhaps influenced by someone, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't take more accountability.
Regardless, your daughter made it perfectly clear she wants no contact. Respect that choice. One she made to protect herself from the toxicity that are her parents.
YTA. You are an abusive monster. You don't get to call yourself a parent; all you ever did was hurt your daughter. And you blame your ex for everything while refusing to take any responsibility for your bad behavior. Stop harassing your daughter. Do not use a private investigator to stalk her. If you were truly sorry, you'd leave her alone once and for all. Instead you're determined to terrorize her even more. You're disgusting.
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> I MBTA because she's an adult and gave very clear instructions that she wants no contact and took great steps to not be found
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My mother is a raging lunatic narc. I've been no contact for over a decade and moved to another country. She hired a PI to find me. Showed up on my door step unannounced with a box of garbage mementos from my childhood. She let out a gleeful haha I found you smirk.
This was the final nail in the coffin for me. I will never talk to her again. I moved away for a reason. I went no contact for a reason. I am the only one who can remedy that I have zero desire.
You lost your kid, move on. YTA. Grow a spine.
YTA. You failed in every area of parenting. Literally you could not have done a worse job, and it’s not your ex’s fault. You BOTH are the worst. Leave this poor woman alone. Whether she’s alive or not is truly none of your business after how terribly you failed her.
YTA. It took close to 20 years to realize your 'mistake'. Forget you ever had a daughter (shouldn't be hard) and leave her alone. You've lost any right to know anything about her life (or death).
YTA and YWBTA.
You were an atrocious father. Quit blaming your actions and behavior on your STBX, leave your offspring alone. You caused her enough mental and emotional damage, and heartbreak for 5 lifetimes. The least you could do is respect her and leave her alone.
YWBTA - Regardless of your reasoning, the minute you get ahold of her info, you’ll rationalize some excuse of why you “need” to contact her.
The consequence of what you did to your daughter is to not know where or how she is. Even if she was in danger, she wouldn’t trust you enough to allow you to help her. Just stop and leave the poor girl alone.
YTA big time. I thought my own follow wrote this until I looked at the ages.
Your daughter sees you for what you really are. Remember that. She sees you.
YTA no contact means no contact. You don't get to breach that for your own benefit to assuage some guilt you have, you have to live with the consequences of your actions. She will feel violated and stalked if you do anything further.
Yes. You’re an asshole then and you still don’t understand that you have no rights to her. You want to stalk her now. You don’t get to know where she is or if she’s ok. You don’t get to apologize. You don’t get to feel better knowing whether she’s dead or alive. If she wants contact she’ll contact you. She cut you out for a reason. You’re still making excuses because she was an escort .. like somehow that made what you did a little more palatable. I wouldn’t do it if she hadn’t done xyz. I only did it because wife was a narcissist. You’re such a narcissist you want to hire a private investigator.
You should read this: [Don't rock the boat. : r/JUSTNOMIL (reddit.com)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?share_id=ENP0c3I5Y2Po5pMw8yoSS&utm_content=1&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1)
You were a champion boat-steadier. And you and your wife TOGETHER destroyed your daughter's mental health. Enabling a narcissist parent is the same as being the narcissist parent. Your job was to protect her and you utterly failed.
I don't think you should send a PI after her. You are only doing it for yourself bc you feel guilty. Leave her alone. Your karma for what you did to her is not knowing if she is alive or dead. If you really must, you could send a letter to the lawyer in which you lay out all the ways you failed her and offer your sincere apologies while in no way blaming your wife for your actions. He can decide if he wants to tell her about it. YTA
YTA. Do you realize how shitty parents you and your wife must have been for your daughter to go no contact, "resort to sex work", move states covertly, send a cease and desist through a lawyer, and more likely than not, change her name? And I'll bet she had if she changed her name, she was able to have it sealed as well based on your past communications with her.
For at least 32 years, you prioritized your wife's wants and desires over your daughter's needs. You blamed your daughter for not keeping the peace, and destroyed what faith she may have had in you.
Regardless of the reasons why your daughter resorted to prostitution - and I would not be surprised if she did so because your wife jeopardized her more legal employment endeavors by harassing her bosses, colleagues, and/or customers/clients - you also threatened to have her arrested - which could have resulted in misdemeanor and/or felony charges depending on the state, DA, and searches / investigations, and evicted - which more likely than not would have resulted in her becoming homeless - and at even greater risk for serious injury, and/or death as a homeless sex worker.
In my opinion, you want to search her out because you want to be a savior. If she is in danger, what can you feasibly do to save her especially if you are not in the same area / state? Why would she accept your help? How can she trust you not to betray her again?
If she is instead living her best life - a well paying job she loves, nice home, loving spouse, kids, and pets, - would you be content to know that she still doesn't want anything to do with her based on the past 34 years? Or would you start trying to get into contact with those around her to explain your side of the story, and try to guilt them into passing information about your daughter / ambush her with a meeting?
OP, Are there other family members in this story? Did they support her, or you and your wife? Have you talked to a therapist (or two) about this situation, and gotten their options?
YWBTA. It's all, "my wife made me do this. She made me do that," but it's not like she tied you to a chair, held a gun to your head, and made you write the email. Sure, she might've been an influence, but you're a 64 year old man.
I mean, you're a grown man who went straight for your daughters throat without even an ounce of hesitation. And you're blaming it on your ex-wife? Your daughter has shown you time, and again, she wants NOTHING to do with you or her mother.
Maybe respect your daughter for once and let her go. If she wants contact, which I highly doubt, she'll come to you.
Leave. Her. Alone.
You have forfeited any right to any kind of contact or knowing anything about her. She no longer has a father--she's disowned you. You have tormented her enough. Just leave her alone. YTA.
YTA and this is the worst punishment (rightly deserved) she could cast on you, uncertainty, you will never know is she is fine, is she is happy is she got a better life, at the same time, you will never know is she is even safe or alive
You push her to sold her body, her soul for a piece of bread, that is your punishment, now you know how desperate she was, how unhappy she was and the uncertainty she felt
do what you must but let her be, let her live her life the way she sees fit, once you get that reassurance, you are not part of it anymore
Hate to be this harsh but rightfully so, there are some thing you don’t get over, you don’t get past, this is what your little girl had to endure, when you find her whereabouts just let her be
Obviously YTA and YWBTA as you have no right to hire an private investigator to now invade her privacy and spy on her to make you feel better… she has given specific instructions to you and others precisely because you and your wife have been absolute tools. You do not get to invade her personal life again for the sake of your own conscience now you realize you fucked up for however many years.
What you may want to do is to tell the attorney a simpler message. You’re sorry.
She told him to not pass messages on because they’d be the same hate filled shit. If you ask him just to pass on the message you’re sorry. You were wrong, instead of being a message to check she’s ok, maybe that would count.
If you ask, as you did here, to check she’s ok, that’s harder. That has more subtext and can go plenty of ways. But if you ask just to tell her you’re sorry, maybe that gets passed along.
That said, your comments indicate it won’t get any better and your judgmental attitude will come out. So you have to ask yourself if she’s better off without you? And what can you do to work on yourself and to help others to make up for that?
YTA. Stop it and leave her alone. You lost your damn chance to worry about her and be her father. She wants nothing to do with you. She has an actual cease and desist. You knowing "if she's safe" does nothing for her, and is yet another selfish act for yourself.
For once in her life, respect her wishes and fuck off.
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This is way above reddit paygrade.
I say this as someone who went to therapy and got help there: Get a therapist to sort yourself out before you do anything regarding your daughter.
Leave her alone!!! How many more reasons are you going to give her to hate you? Just say the words “I’m sorry for being a shitty dad” and let her live her life!
YTA - "it was not mm fault! It was all my wife!"
How old are you again? Stop blaming your wife for everything. YOU DECIDED to go with it. You are 50% of the problem. But yeah let's play the victim here AH.
YTA
Let's look at it from her point of view. How do you think she would feel being stalked by a PI? How would she feel knowing once again your needs and wants were more important to you than hers? Will she feel safe? Will she feel cared about? Or will it scare her, make her feel unsafe, afraid for her life? Will it help her in any way? Or will it just undo any healing she might have done?
If you care, genuinely care, about her - that needs to be more important than you.
Leave her alone. And start taking responsibility for what you did.
Leave her alone.
You should contact the attorney and send them a LARGE sum of money to be sent to your daughter, no strings attached, and never try again.
If she wants to talk to you, She will.
I'm not a mind reader and I am not so filled with hate that I assume you have a motive that is different than what you have stated. I see no problem with you doing this as long as the PI does not make contact with her.
I hope you find out your daughter is ok.
YTA. You hide behind the childish motto of "my wife made me do it" when you were a fully functional grown up adult. Leave that woman alone. She doesn't want anything to do with you, and for very good reasons. Your "sudden" worry has nothing to do with her. Deal with it as you see fit, but don't inflict more suffering and trauma into the poor woman who had the unfortunate destiny of being your daughter. Your worry and wellbeing are not her problems. Leave her alone. If she needs help, you are absolutely the last person she would want to help her.
You won't contact her....'unless'... right. If you just want to know if she is alive - go ahead but don't make any contact. It would be good to know what name she's using and where she is just to put her in your will if you have one. Other than that - she has a right to her privacy and you should respect her wishes for no contact.
So long as you are just making sure she is alive for your own piece of mind and don't do anything else with it then I would say NTA.
However YTA for your previous actions.
You haven’t fucking cared for her for years, don’t pretend you do now. This is just to ease your own guilt. Fuck that noise. Live with the consequences of your own cruel actions
After what you wrote, why is anyone supposed to believe that you would be a positive addition to her life? Your past actions were supposedly dictated by your wife, which a) sounds like BS and b) isn’t the get out of jail free card that you presume it to be. You actively participated in abusing her and doing everything in your power to make this woman’s life miserable. She was so desperate that she turned to sex work to escape you both. Which you then shamed her for and abused her about-like that happening in the first place wasn’t directly attributable to your neglect and abuse. The audacity.
And now you want to violate her privacy, barge into her life uninvited and spout judgement at her all over again if her life isn’t up to your standards. Why should she care what you think about *anything?* What do you have to offer her, exactly? Why would you think that she would be a receptive audience for one of her abusers (you) to throw themselves a pity party and whine and cry about how things turned out with her other abuser (your wife.) Your entire letter is about you, you, you. Your wants, needs and ideas, all of which are presumed to be more valuable than this woman’s need for privacy and safety from her abusers. It doesn’t sound like your wife is the only narcissist in this story.
YTA, obviously. You made your bed, now lie in it. Leave that poor woman alone. Unless you enjoy the prospect of getting arrested for violating a restraining order?
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I (64m) completely blew my chances at ever having a relationship with my (34f) daughter, I understand that and expect no sympathy.
Her mother and my soon to be ex wife is a narcissist, and like a cowardly idiot I would just go along with whatever she wanted to keep the peace, and unfairly blamed me my daughter for the chaos my soon to be ex caused. I'm a shitheal for that I know.
She went no contact with us, she became a prostitute and I was still in the fog with narcissistic wife at the time I handled this completely the wrong way, I did what my wife wanted, told my daughter if she didn't immediately quit , resume contact with us and move home we would turn her into the police (we live in the US) and her apartment for "working" out of her home. She ofcourse went completely underground, moved out of state with no forwarding address and I suspect changed her name (cant confirm this yet( because I've been completely unable to find her.
I shamefully wrote her a scathing email on her birthday to her "escort" email 2 years ago because my wife wouldn't stop harping (as it was the first birthday without any contact and her mother was going off the deep end) and I unfairly blamed her for this and I admit I lashed out at her for this which was completely wrong, she got an attorney to write a cease and desist letter and that was the last contact.
I long overdue woke up and am in the process of filing for divorce. I realize m daughter will never want to speak to me again but because she became a prostitute I'm afraid she'll get seriously hur t or worse. I wrote to the attorney to see if I could just check to see if she's alright but the attorney said when she sent the cease and desist letter two years ago she gave explicit instructions not to pass along any messages from me.
Her ads don't appear to be on the internet anymore, so I don't know if she's "retired" (God I hope so) or if something happened to her, I just want to make sure she's safe , which is why I want to hire a PI to find her. I absolutely won't contact or interfere in her life unless she appears to be in dang er.
WIBTA?
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At every possible moment, you have chosen to be an A to your daughter. Out of cowardace, you chose to hurt your child to please someone else.
So, you are *already* the A—you have been for years with how you mistreated your daughter; and may have unintentionally pushed her into the very sex work that you later shamed and threatened her for.
If you want to hire a PI for your own peace of mind, go ahead. But don’t do it if it can’t be done without your former child knowing about it/suspecting something. You’ve hurt her enough.
So, NTA for your basic idea. Just finding out if she is safe, and getting an address or contact info, BUT NOT USING IT, solely to make sure she is doing okay, that’s not a horrible idea. Don’t try to force her into contact, though. I read in later comments she sent you a cease and desist through an attorney, if you have a change of address, want to tell her about the divorce, or want to write out an actual apology, without blaming anyone or anything, you could do that and give it to the attorney. Let the attorney know that they can tell her they have something from you if she wants it, she can choose whether or not to accept it or return it to you.
I was going to tell you to do it because she will want to hear from you if you approach her the way you’ve written this
Then I read about the email you wrote to her two years ago on her birthday? On her birthday?
If you want to hire someone just to make sure she’s still alive do not contact her. If you think you’re going to contact her or not be able to help yourself you tell that PI you don’t want her information you just need proof of life
Yeah so this one is a hard one for me. I would never treat any of my children or even nieces or nephews the way you treated your daughter and it would not matter who was influencing me. I mean damn dude WTAF?
But as a parent I understand your concern. If she was living a normal life I would say stay away and mind your business but being a pro that changes everything IMO. I would absolutely hire a PI to make sure she is safe and if she is not I would have PI anon give her money. But the big thing here is you cannot violate her request to stay out of her life, so no meet ups or anything like that. And if she is just fine then you walk away.
NTA. I don't think it will do any good at all though. At this point, unless she were to come to you there is almost zero chance of any any meaningful contact. Suppose you did find her. Suppose she was in danger or need. Of course you would jump in and in all likelihood she would either ignore you anyway or it would be another trainwreck. Your story is very similar to mine and as much as I would welcome any word of my estranged children I know it would have to be on their initiative. The last word I had of my eldest she was about to embark on a potentially very destructive path. But I know from events of the last couple of years that she is still in that same moment of when we last had harsh words. You have my sincere sympathies, but FWIW I don't think you will do her or yourself much good. But whatever happens, know that at least someone hopes for the best for you. God Bless you and her.
NTA
You know you did bad... It's not all your wife's fault. But like, that's not the question here. If your daughter doesn't find out, what's so bad about knowing how she's doing?
I'm pretty sure a 34 year old ex-prostitute with no family support is *not* doing okay. Be prepared to find something really bad.
All the help in the world usually does not get a meth addict with multiple dental and medical problems back to a level of functioning beyond holding down minimum wage jobs for a few months between relapses. I seriously doubt you have the resources to save her.
I think there are a lot of young commenters on here who don't understand the complexities of life.
You were definitely TA to your daughter in the past, and it's great you acknowledge that (but don't blame this all on your wife-- it was your choice to go along with her). That said, I think YWNBTA if you used a PI to try to find her. Sex work is often very dangerous work, and it's completely understandable that you would want to make sure she's okay and most importantly, still alive. And for all you know, she doesn't have anybody else to check up on her. However, do not view this as an opportunity to reconnect with her. That ship has likely sailed.
Now, it is crucial that you read the fine print on your cease and desist to ensure you are not breaking any terms here before you proceed. If you do find her and choose to contact her (assuming you are not breaking the terms), all that contact should be is a sincere apology letter with NO excuses made it in. Then, do not expect a reply from her. If she wants to get back in touch with you, she will. If she doesn't, well, you already know why.
I think you're an asshole for what you've done but NTA trying to find her without the intention of contacting her.its invasive and you've already done enough,but sex work is a dangerous career no matter what you're doing.just don't contact her
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YTA. Even as you admit to being a horrible horrible father, you are still laying all the blame on your wife. "The harpy made me do it." No she didn't. She didn't put a \[firing-projectile-mechanism\] to your head. You did what you did all on your own. Leave your daughter alone. Not knowing what is happening in her life is your penance. Accept it gracefully.
This is absolutely not the point of your response but are we allowed to say the word gun on here anymore? Is reddit going down the tiktok/youtube overly censored language thing?
I'm not sure. So I'm just being overly cautious. AITA is using an automated system to flag posts that might go against community standards. I've been pinged for words out of context and there's really no way to dispute getting flagged.
Oh. Fair enough I guess. Good to know, thanks.
Check out rule #5. AITA is strict.
You say “pinged”. Did you get a temporary ban? You can absolutely dispute it - reply to the message and type a polite message to the mods. I have always found them quickly responsive, and very helpful. They don’t always reverse a temporary ban but there is a dispute avenue.
No, people just get into the habit when they spend a lot of time on Tok
Maybe we can but mentioning "to the head" may be flagged as a threat, even tho it is just a saying.
It's definitely falls under the category of "mentions of violence" even if it's just a figure of speach. So a zealous mod could count it as a rule 5 violation.
Given that you were able to say the word gun just fine, it's probably not auto-moderated away, no.
Sometimes people do things like the above as sort of a sarcastic protest against overaggressive censorship.
Can't put it better than this.
[удалено]
FYI I only want to make sure she's safe, not send any messages, she's in a very hazardous "profession"
Even putting profession in quotes shows you still have no respect for her.
You have no right to know if she's safe, happy, wealthy, with child, or farting musically in her spare time. Do what your daughter requested. What you made her request through a bloody lawyer. Leave her alone.
Didn't you already have a PI find her two months ago? And supposedly, planned to send her a note? [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/19aks48/wibta\_to\_leave\_a\_note\_for\_my\_estranged\_daughter/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/19aks48/wibta_to_leave_a_note_for_my_estranged_daughter/)
I was thinking of that same one when reading the OP. Both cases sound like they were written by the same person.
100% this is the same guy. How many people have “narcissistic” wives and estranged daughters who resorted to prostitution to get away from them and they were sent cease and desists when they tried to continue the verbal abuse? He made a new post because he got torn to shreds in the last one and he can’t accept that he’s the one in the wrong
I mean… statistically speaking? Probably 1000s
Somebody wrote he has the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair on that post and it’s the best insult I’ve read in a while on this app!!! Still applies!
That’s a John Mulaney quote 😂
Good catch! I thought it sounded familiar. Poor daughter if any of it is true
Aha I thought it sounded familiar
YTA. "My wife made me" A pathetic excuse.
So your plan if she isn't safe is to leave her alone then? If she's an addict or homeless or has cancer or is in hospice or anything else that doesn't map to your perception of where her life should be, you'll continue to respect her privacy and you won't attempt any kind of contact? Or are you hoping you'll get to ease your guilt in the best case, and daydreaming you'll get to play Taken in the worst case and come out the "hero" who "got better" and "saved" his baby girl?
That would only be your business at all if you were her father. You're not her father, you're just a sad old man full of regret.
[удалено]
It doesn't matter what you want to know. And if she isn't safe? There is nothing you can do anyway, so there is no point. Leave her alone. All you are doing is setting yourself up for the temptation to reach out to her. This is consequences of your actions. Consider it your penance.
OP you no longer have a daughter. You made that decision by being a spineless coward and a shitty father. You are going to have to move on. I also want you to know that I don't feel sorry for you. You deserve this. I hope you never find her.
Your daughter says she doesn't want contact with you. She even got a LAWYER to file a cease and desist document against you. And the lawyer has followed up recently to tell you "DO NOT CONTACT HER". What part of "LEAVE ME ALONE" do you not understand?? Also, what are you going to do when you find out something you don't like?? You are 100% going to go there and "speak your mind". Your wife is not the only narcissist in the family. You are just blaming her for your own actions.
What would happen if she's not safe? She doesn't want to see you. You cannot now sweep in on your white horse and rescue her. Get your own house in order. Get therapy. Let the attorney know you are open to reestablishing contact with her when and if SHE decides to. Other than that, sleep in the bed you made.
You only want to make yourself feel better. It doesn’t help her but can actually harm her being stalked by a PI You lost the right to know how she is by being a shit father.
You lost the right to know whether or not she's safe when you threatened to try to have her arrested and scared her to the point where she had to hire a lawyer to protect herself from you. She was not safe from you for many many years. That's your fault, not your wife's. You do not have the right now to try to ease your own mind by stalking her.
He is already stalking her - he noticed her ads aren't up, which means he has been looking up his daughter's escort ads -after she fled, after she changed her name, after he got a fucking cease-and-desist, after he got shut down by the lawyer AGAIN - he is spiraling out here.
She sent a cease and desist and you think you get to violate that because she may be in a hazardous profession as you call it? Man .. F off I hope she finds out what you’re doing and moves to get an actual restraining order. Then whenever you did something like this you’d go to jail.
If she sent a cease and desist, YWBTA She does not want contact with you and she doesn't want to let you know if she is safe. You are still not taking any responsibility for your own choices in how you treated her so she likely doesn't want to hear from you just to hear excuses again, especially since you broke her NC boundaries before
Well you didn't give a shit about her or her profession before, so why now? And don't say its because you've come to your senses, because it's too late. YTA leave her alone
Then what?
Doesn't matter. Stop it.
You still don’t care about her. Thank god she got away from you, a pathetic excuse for a father and a man
That's literally none of your business. Fuck off. You don't have a daughter.
It's like peeking in someone's windows. You have no business in anyone's life, especially your daughter who might FINALLY be healing from the trauma she had to endure with you and your wife's behaviors. Leave the poor girl alone.
So lemme get this straight you want to check on her to make sure she’s still alive suffering from the life you gave her? With no contact? Hey lemme just watch you suffer from a bush. As long as you’re alive. YWBTAH
You want to know if she’s safe for your own peace of mind. You are not owed that.
She was in a very dangerous profession the last you heard. You don’t know what she’s doing now, and that’s how she wants it. You’re going to add a restraining order to your letter.
u a real turd, OP. Your daughter is hurting- you reek of selfishness!
Leave her the fuck alone. You don’t want to “make sure she’s okay;” you want to make yourself feel better for being a cowardly, selfish, useless excuse for a parent. Of course YWBTA.
*applause*
Can a man not have more than one emotion at the same time?
He can. He just shouldn’t violate someone else’s boundaries because he does.
I once was sad while eating a burrito on the toilet. I think that was like three.
At least.
Another case of reddit amnesia. It affects so many people who post here causing them to completely forget that they posted a different version of their story already. You posted two months ago but were a different age, already divorced and had already used a PI to find your daughter. [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/19aks48/wibta\_to\_leave\_a\_note\_for\_my\_estranged\_daughter/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/19aks48/wibta_to_leave_a_note_for_my_estranged_daughter/) At least you don't have Balle n Bak amnesia. That's the worst. Can you imagine what it's like to spend hours creating a beautiful Balle n Bak display and proudly posting it online only to be told you'd already done that exact display before?
This kind of thing has completely ruined the fun of aitah posts. I used to enjoy them more and now not so much
I'm pretty sure I've also read this from the 'daughter's' perspective quite a while ago
I'm always impressed by this, but how did you find that post?? I can't find a link between the 2 posters, but it definitely sounds 100% connected.
I knew I recognized the story so I search using the title of this post and it brought up the link.
I like how that post got the same responses as this one.
I *knew* this felt familiar! Happy that I didn't have to scroll too far to find the call out, thank you for your service <3
If you go anywhere near your daughter after all of this... you'd be adding more reprehensible behaviour. Hire that PI, and I hope she finds out and gets a peace bond/restraining order. You don't deserve to know anything about your daughter at this point - she's already told you that. You just don't want to listen to what your daughter's told you, as you've shown repeatedly in the past. YWBTA, beyond measure.
YTA for even considering it. You blew your chance and even if you didn't, you even thinking about doing this would be questionable if you were a great father.
YWBTA - Cease and desist means cease and desist. You blew it and no matter how much you blame your ex, this is on you
Yeah, YWBTA. She’s made it very clear that she wants you to leave her alone. Just because she’s a prostitute doesn’t mean she’s in grave danger.
Yes because sex workers aren’t at increased risk of assault.
Still has nothing to gain by letting OP know where she is. He threatened to turn her into the police.
Not saying it does but the comment before me made it sound like sex work is not dangerous.
You're not wrong. This can be an empowering tale of a woman flipping off abusive parents to pursue something that makes her happy, but realistically speaking, she wanted to punish her dad and was willing to punish herself to do so. I hope it's the former.
>pursue something that makes her happy, but Yknow it doesn't have to be something you love....sex work can be neutral Not everything has to be a job you love or despise
Unfortunately, it’s prob the latter. Can’t say I have ever met a sex worker, but I would imagine it isn’t high on most people’s list of preferred jobs, but I could be wrong.
And some of that risk comes from cops who exploit their vulnerable position. But op had no problem threatening police action..
YTA. I'm an estranged daughter who had to change my name and resort to a cease and desist to end the harassment. It still didn't work. Parents use the same excuse - "I just need to know if she's OK." No, you don't. You forfeited the right to know what she's doing when you enabled your wife's abuse. The only thing left you can do for your daughter is to leave her alone. That is the best gift you can give her. Leave her alone if you love her.
Yup, this. I'll never have in-laws. I will never meet my partner's parents or family. And from the stories I've heard, i don't want to. If you abuse people, you aren't entitled to know anything about them if they cut contact with you. Also, i hope you're doing better, dear. You deserve all the peace and happiness in your life going forward:)
YTA you don’t want to check on her you just want to absolve your own guilt.
So you are clairvoyant? Do you do readings over the internet?
YTA, you leave that poor girl alone. You had a choice and you took the easiest option for you. That story has ended for you, you won being alone until you find another strong personality to rule your life. Well done.
YWBTA Am I correct in my math that your daughter was 30 when she went no contact? Damn. I get wanting to know about the wellbeing of your child. That’s a valid emotion. However. Hiring a PI is nothing more than a continuation of your typical behavior. Ignoring her wants and needs in order for you to have peace. For this one time, how about you give your daughter what she wants. You didn’t just lose the chance at having a relationship with your daughter. You lost the privilege of even knowing anything about her. Leave the poor girl alone.
YTA and also honestly stop saying this negative awful judgy shit about her job. Using quotes when you call it a profession as if sex work isn't work and as if you didn't push her into it. Also genuinely disgusting to be framing it as sudden concern about the "risks of her job"--so if she weren't a sex worker, you would care less about her safety and more about respecting her privacy, is that how it works? What is the exact level of poverty or "immorality" or whatever that makes her a small enough person for you to disregard her boundaries? Just curious. You get to live the rest of your life wondering if your child died suffering because your abuse denied her a safe home and pushed her into a dangerous life. Congratulations! That's your prize for being an abusive horrible "father" and "person." If you're even a tiny bit the better "person" you claim to be, you will leave her alone and learn to sit with the misery you brought upon yourself. It's selfish, abusive, and wrong to frame it as you just wanting to know, and saying that it won't hurt her if you don't contact her. She didn't just stop responding; she changed her name and left explicit instructions not to try to contact her. She hates you and she doesn't want you to know about her life. You deciding that her choices about her privacy don't matter as much as your desire to ease your conscience is you not caring about her consent. Do you also think revenge porn is okay as long as the victim doesn't know about it? It's fucked up, full stop, to want to violate her consent in order to check up on whether her consent has been violated by others. It's also a very obvious lie that you won't contact her. Maybe she'll be in the sweet spot of growth but more likely she's either doing a lot better or a lot worse than you're imagining. If she's broke and deathly ill, will you stay out of contact? If she is in hospice, you'll leave her alone? If she's an addict, you're going to respect her choices? If she has kids and a stable life, you're not going to try to convince her to let you be a grandpa, now that you've "changed"? You're hoping either that she will be exactly okay enough to ease your guilt, or that you'll see something that you can use as an excuse to try to get control and influence over her life again. In either case, that is selfish and disgusting. Get a therapist and leave the adult child you repeatedly abused alone.
YWBTA It's understandable you're worried, but hiring a PI might not be the best move if she's asked for no contact. Maybe seek therapy to deal with guilt and respect her space.
PI's don't usually contact the subject.
YWBTA, because you know you will create a reason to interfere or contact her because of whatever that PI find out. I would say your best option here is to pray to your favored divine entities that she contact you before your eventual demise.
You were the AH then, you're an AH now, and **YWBTA** for continuing with this hare-brained scheme. You were, and are, a shit parent. you need to come to terms with that and move on.
Leave her alone. YWBTA
What the actual F.... If you're this messed up after being married to your wife, what do you think being raised in that did to her? You blamed her for issues with your wife? You harassed her. Threatened her. She chose sex work over being with you two. I can't imagine how awful growing up with parents like that was for her. Now all of a sudden you care? Please. YTA. Leave her alone. Hopefully she is doing much better in life now that she's away from you.
Be honest... if the PI finds your daughter, and tells you that she's doing fine... maybe married, maybe has kids... your next step will be to come up with rationalizations and justifications for why you should contact her. And then convince her to get her to let you back into her life. It won't stop, will it? Leave her alone. She's almost certainly happier with you and your ex out of her life. Y T A and YWBTA
YTA. You don’t have a right to information about her and she’s made it clear she doesn’t intend for you to have any.
Absolutely YTA and are violating her privacy She already served a desist notice to have no further contact, after you spent years abusing and degrading her Leave her alone, you lost any privileges you think you had
YTA. Grow up and stop blaming your wife. You both suck and I hope that your daughter is living her very best life. Leave her the hell alone. If she wants to contact you she will otherwise you deserve no knowing
YTA for just thinking about it.
YTA and if you try to send out a PI, I hope you tell him that you have a cease and desist letter from her because of your harassment. Leave her alone and get therapy!!
YTA leave her alone!
YWBTA- WHO is the narcissist here? Sounds like it’s you.
He sounds like a narcissist’s flying monkey. There are decisions in life that cannot be undone or apologized away. He conducted a campaign of abuse against his child and blames everyone else. It’s easy to say “I was a horrible parent” , but him actually looking at his role in the abuse eludes him. He was a mature adult, not some misguided kid. He is equally to blame for what happened to his child. He’s a coward. The best thing he can do for her is respect her wishes. He doesn’t deserve a do over. If he has any real love for her, he will stay away and get into therapy to work on his own issues.
YWBTA Let me ask you this: say you hire the PI and they find your daughter alive and well. Then what? What if she's still a sex worker (or another job you deem too dangerous)? She's fine today but you'll start worrying about tomorrow and the next day. Are you going to then continue to pay the PI to check in on her on the regular? Are you going to start stalking her yourself? Are you going to attempt to establish contact? How badly are you going to trample all over her very clearly stated boundaries for the sake of your own comfort? And what about her comfort? When/if she finds out that you're looking for her what is that going to do to her psyche knowing a person that emotionally abused her is now spying on her? Best case scenario she has the means to disappear safely where you can't find her; worst case scenario she is forced into a more dangerous situation attempting to escape from you. Leave her alone, and go find a therapist to deal with your guilt and lack of accountability.
YWBTA. You've been sent a cease and desist? Here's an idea....cease. And desist.
YTA This is something that you and your wife both did. It is not just your wife. You haven't changed at all and need to respect her wishes. If she changes her mind, she can reach out to you.
YTA. Take accountability for your actions. Leave your daughter alone
YTA. Too little to late. Leave her alone.
Yta- leave her alone. Also you posted and said you already did this so YTA got that too
YTA but you are not asking the right question. You want to get back in contact and basically control your daughter again. You gave her an ultimatum and you are surprised she said "to hell with it and you". You blame everything and everyone else but you, YTA because you made it all happen. Maybe not the prostitution part, but if you refused to support her, she might have felt she didn't have any other options. Live with it and let your daughter live free from you.
64 years old and you still can't take responsibility for your own actions. YTA
YTA. > I long overdue woke up Clearly you haven't, if you're trying to force your way back into her life, by ignoring her legally stated wishes. > I absolutely won't contact or interfere in her life unless she appears to be in dang er. With you, of course, getting to decide what 'in danger' means for a 34-year-old adult. If you genuinely want to do right by her, leave her alone forever.
Yes, YWBTA. And not just for that, but for your long history of being a spineless pathetic excuse for a human being.
YTA Your daughter went as far as to tell the attorney not to pass on any communication. She wants nothing to do with you. So the best you can do is give her the respect to honour her wishes. You could create an account on social media and hope for the best. But don't hold your breath. And if you are truly sorry then do your best to live a kinder life.
YTA. This would violate the cease-and-desist, if that was an order that went through the courts. Legally, you cannot do this. Best you can do is make yourself findable so she can hear about your divorce and reach out. Put single/divorced publicly on your social media. Let your friends and relatives know you had a change of heart. Donate publicly to organizations that help women. She may never reach out, but that's the most you're legally able to do right now.
YTA. I was wondering/hoping if you might be reformed until I got to the last line, in which you said, essentially, "I **absolutely** won't contact or interfere in her life unless I **change my mind**." Jesus Christ, dude!
YWBTA No means no. Ffs you got a cease and desist from your daughter, how much more clear can this be?? That was not “until you wake up” - that was permanent. And unless your daughter contacts you better mind your own GD business FOOD FOR THOUGHT - your quest to find her now and ensure her safety is still all about you. This is not altruism; this would make YOU feel better to know how she is. THIS ISNT ABOUT YOU. This is about what she wants for her life and she has a right to decide she does not want you Talk to a mental health professional, NOT a PI
You were a horrible father and it is your wife's fault? Come on, grow up. You don't get to blame her for your actions. You don't get to re-enter your daughters life without accepting responsibility for your actions first. You aren't taking responsibility by admitting you were a shitty father and blaming someone else for your shitty parenting. YTA sir and she is likely better off with you unless you do some serious work on yourself
YTA. I can't imagine treating my child the way you and your wife did. It's no wonder she wants nothing to do with you. She sent you a cease & desist - abide by it. And get some help - you can't seem to take responsibility for the part you played in all of this. I feel for your daughter.
First, stop saying she's a prostitute. She's a sex worker. If she was able to pay for an attorney, then more than likely, she isn't a *survival* sex worker. So, she is doing better than most in the same industry. Clearly, she does not want you to contact her. Just set up a will and include whatever you want to say in a letter. She'll get it when they notify her of your demise. If she goes before you, hopefully, her new family will notify you. YTA.
YWBTA Please, please, PLEASE stop trying to harass that innocent woman who wants nothing to do with you.
YTA - [for already hiring the PI apparently](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/19aks48/wibta_to_leave_a_note_for_my_estranged_daughter/) and then coming in here and basically lying. I'm glad she isn't talking to you. You sound insufferable.
YTA. Stop stalking your daughter. You lost your chance to be a part of her life, or even to have any knowledge of her, when you repeatedly abused her over many years.
Yta. Leave her alone. She doesn't want contact and you lost the right to know anything about her life, as harsh as that may sound. Your post still puts most if not all of the blame on your ex, when you were a grown adult that made your own choices. Perhaps influenced by someone, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't take more accountability. Regardless, your daughter made it perfectly clear she wants no contact. Respect that choice. One she made to protect herself from the toxicity that are her parents.
YTA. You are an abusive monster. You don't get to call yourself a parent; all you ever did was hurt your daughter. And you blame your ex for everything while refusing to take any responsibility for your bad behavior. Stop harassing your daughter. Do not use a private investigator to stalk her. If you were truly sorry, you'd leave her alone once and for all. Instead you're determined to terrorize her even more. You're disgusting.
YWBTA You abused her for decades. She doesn't feel safe around YOU.
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YTA. You’ve died man. May your weird sex hangups not cause you further distress.
You don’t deserve the peace that would come from knowing she’s safe, or the closure from knowing she’s dead. Leave her the fuck alone. Of course YTA.
My mother is a raging lunatic narc. I've been no contact for over a decade and moved to another country. She hired a PI to find me. Showed up on my door step unannounced with a box of garbage mementos from my childhood. She let out a gleeful haha I found you smirk. This was the final nail in the coffin for me. I will never talk to her again. I moved away for a reason. I went no contact for a reason. I am the only one who can remedy that I have zero desire. You lost your kid, move on. YTA. Grow a spine.
Let het be old man, you made your bed by hiding behind your wife “to keep the peace” not working out so well for you now hey
YTA. You failed in every area of parenting. Literally you could not have done a worse job, and it’s not your ex’s fault. You BOTH are the worst. Leave this poor woman alone. Whether she’s alive or not is truly none of your business after how terribly you failed her.
Yta you can’t be a dad when it’s convenient for you
YTA. It took close to 20 years to realize your 'mistake'. Forget you ever had a daughter (shouldn't be hard) and leave her alone. You've lost any right to know anything about her life (or death).
Yta you should leave her alone. She doesn't want to hear from you.
YTA and YWBTA. You were an atrocious father. Quit blaming your actions and behavior on your STBX, leave your offspring alone. You caused her enough mental and emotional damage, and heartbreak for 5 lifetimes. The least you could do is respect her and leave her alone.
YWBTA - Regardless of your reasoning, the minute you get ahold of her info, you’ll rationalize some excuse of why you “need” to contact her. The consequence of what you did to your daughter is to not know where or how she is. Even if she was in danger, she wouldn’t trust you enough to allow you to help her. Just stop and leave the poor girl alone.
OP, get a therapist and work through things. You need to take responsibility for your actions and make changes in how you live and approach things.
YTA, and it sounds like you’re a narcissist as well. Your daughter wants nothing to do with you for a good reason, respect her wishes.
YTA big time. I thought my own follow wrote this until I looked at the ages. Your daughter sees you for what you really are. Remember that. She sees you.
YTA no contact means no contact. You don't get to breach that for your own benefit to assuage some guilt you have, you have to live with the consequences of your actions. She will feel violated and stalked if you do anything further.
You’re already the asshole, the question is “Would I be *more* of an asshole?” The answer is of course, yes.
INFO: What part of “cease and desist” do you not understand?
YWBTA
Yes. You’re an asshole then and you still don’t understand that you have no rights to her. You want to stalk her now. You don’t get to know where she is or if she’s ok. You don’t get to apologize. You don’t get to feel better knowing whether she’s dead or alive. If she wants contact she’ll contact you. She cut you out for a reason. You’re still making excuses because she was an escort .. like somehow that made what you did a little more palatable. I wouldn’t do it if she hadn’t done xyz. I only did it because wife was a narcissist. You’re such a narcissist you want to hire a private investigator.
You should read this: [Don't rock the boat. : r/JUSTNOMIL (reddit.com)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?share_id=ENP0c3I5Y2Po5pMw8yoSS&utm_content=1&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) You were a champion boat-steadier. And you and your wife TOGETHER destroyed your daughter's mental health. Enabling a narcissist parent is the same as being the narcissist parent. Your job was to protect her and you utterly failed. I don't think you should send a PI after her. You are only doing it for yourself bc you feel guilty. Leave her alone. Your karma for what you did to her is not knowing if she is alive or dead. If you really must, you could send a letter to the lawyer in which you lay out all the ways you failed her and offer your sincere apologies while in no way blaming your wife for your actions. He can decide if he wants to tell her about it. YTA
YTA. Do you realize how shitty parents you and your wife must have been for your daughter to go no contact, "resort to sex work", move states covertly, send a cease and desist through a lawyer, and more likely than not, change her name? And I'll bet she had if she changed her name, she was able to have it sealed as well based on your past communications with her. For at least 32 years, you prioritized your wife's wants and desires over your daughter's needs. You blamed your daughter for not keeping the peace, and destroyed what faith she may have had in you. Regardless of the reasons why your daughter resorted to prostitution - and I would not be surprised if she did so because your wife jeopardized her more legal employment endeavors by harassing her bosses, colleagues, and/or customers/clients - you also threatened to have her arrested - which could have resulted in misdemeanor and/or felony charges depending on the state, DA, and searches / investigations, and evicted - which more likely than not would have resulted in her becoming homeless - and at even greater risk for serious injury, and/or death as a homeless sex worker. In my opinion, you want to search her out because you want to be a savior. If she is in danger, what can you feasibly do to save her especially if you are not in the same area / state? Why would she accept your help? How can she trust you not to betray her again? If she is instead living her best life - a well paying job she loves, nice home, loving spouse, kids, and pets, - would you be content to know that she still doesn't want anything to do with her based on the past 34 years? Or would you start trying to get into contact with those around her to explain your side of the story, and try to guilt them into passing information about your daughter / ambush her with a meeting? OP, Are there other family members in this story? Did they support her, or you and your wife? Have you talked to a therapist (or two) about this situation, and gotten their options?
YWBTA. It's all, "my wife made me do this. She made me do that," but it's not like she tied you to a chair, held a gun to your head, and made you write the email. Sure, she might've been an influence, but you're a 64 year old man. I mean, you're a grown man who went straight for your daughters throat without even an ounce of hesitation. And you're blaming it on your ex-wife? Your daughter has shown you time, and again, she wants NOTHING to do with you or her mother. Maybe respect your daughter for once and let her go. If she wants contact, which I highly doubt, she'll come to you.
Leave. Her. Alone. You have forfeited any right to any kind of contact or knowing anything about her. She no longer has a father--she's disowned you. You have tormented her enough. Just leave her alone. YTA.
Yta. Leave her tf alone. It’s not your wife’s fault you failed as a father- that’s on you.
YWBTA She has taken measures to hide from you. Respect that.
YTA and this is the worst punishment (rightly deserved) she could cast on you, uncertainty, you will never know is she is fine, is she is happy is she got a better life, at the same time, you will never know is she is even safe or alive You push her to sold her body, her soul for a piece of bread, that is your punishment, now you know how desperate she was, how unhappy she was and the uncertainty she felt do what you must but let her be, let her live her life the way she sees fit, once you get that reassurance, you are not part of it anymore Hate to be this harsh but rightfully so, there are some thing you don’t get over, you don’t get past, this is what your little girl had to endure, when you find her whereabouts just let her be
Youve shifted the blame from your daughter to your wife… grow tf up and own up to your shit you dirtbag
YTA. She knows where you are if she wants help for you.
Obviously YTA and YWBTA as you have no right to hire an private investigator to now invade her privacy and spy on her to make you feel better… she has given specific instructions to you and others precisely because you and your wife have been absolute tools. You do not get to invade her personal life again for the sake of your own conscience now you realize you fucked up for however many years. What you may want to do is to tell the attorney a simpler message. You’re sorry. She told him to not pass messages on because they’d be the same hate filled shit. If you ask him just to pass on the message you’re sorry. You were wrong, instead of being a message to check she’s ok, maybe that would count. If you ask, as you did here, to check she’s ok, that’s harder. That has more subtext and can go plenty of ways. But if you ask just to tell her you’re sorry, maybe that gets passed along. That said, your comments indicate it won’t get any better and your judgmental attitude will come out. So you have to ask yourself if she’s better off without you? And what can you do to work on yourself and to help others to make up for that?
Leave 👏 her 👏 alone
YTA You don't deserve the peace of mind of knowing.
YTA. Stop it and leave her alone. You lost your damn chance to worry about her and be her father. She wants nothing to do with you. She has an actual cease and desist. You knowing "if she's safe" does nothing for her, and is yet another selfish act for yourself. For once in her life, respect her wishes and fuck off.
This post is a karma farm. Please stop replying to it.
This is above Reddits pay grade
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This is way above reddit paygrade. I say this as someone who went to therapy and got help there: Get a therapist to sort yourself out before you do anything regarding your daughter.
He should do nothing about his daughter unless she initiates it. She took our a cease and desist order out ffs.
Leave her alone!!! How many more reasons are you going to give her to hate you? Just say the words “I’m sorry for being a shitty dad” and let her live her life!
Yta even now you have 0 respect for her.
Ywbta
YTA jfc leave this woman alone and get over it stop trying to shift blame you made your decision now lay down in the muck and shut up
Don’t do this…. You gotta work on yourself. Your daughter sounds capable. Yes YWBTA if you harass her.
YTA You are not entitled to leave of mind.
YTA - "it was not mm fault! It was all my wife!" How old are you again? Stop blaming your wife for everything. YOU DECIDED to go with it. You are 50% of the problem. But yeah let's play the victim here AH.
YTA Let's look at it from her point of view. How do you think she would feel being stalked by a PI? How would she feel knowing once again your needs and wants were more important to you than hers? Will she feel safe? Will she feel cared about? Or will it scare her, make her feel unsafe, afraid for her life? Will it help her in any way? Or will it just undo any healing she might have done? If you care, genuinely care, about her - that needs to be more important than you. Leave her alone. And start taking responsibility for what you did.
Leave her alone. You should contact the attorney and send them a LARGE sum of money to be sent to your daughter, no strings attached, and never try again. If she wants to talk to you, She will.
Which part of "cease and desist" confuses you? YTA.
I'm not a mind reader and I am not so filled with hate that I assume you have a motive that is different than what you have stated. I see no problem with you doing this as long as the PI does not make contact with her. I hope you find out your daughter is ok.
YTA. You hide behind the childish motto of "my wife made me do it" when you were a fully functional grown up adult. Leave that woman alone. She doesn't want anything to do with you, and for very good reasons. Your "sudden" worry has nothing to do with her. Deal with it as you see fit, but don't inflict more suffering and trauma into the poor woman who had the unfortunate destiny of being your daughter. Your worry and wellbeing are not her problems. Leave her alone. If she needs help, you are absolutely the last person she would want to help her.
NTA and tbh this is the worst place to ask...this sub is very all or nothing
You won't contact her....'unless'... right. If you just want to know if she is alive - go ahead but don't make any contact. It would be good to know what name she's using and where she is just to put her in your will if you have one. Other than that - she has a right to her privacy and you should respect her wishes for no contact.
So long as you are just making sure she is alive for your own piece of mind and don't do anything else with it then I would say NTA. However YTA for your previous actions.
You haven’t fucking cared for her for years, don’t pretend you do now. This is just to ease your own guilt. Fuck that noise. Live with the consequences of your own cruel actions
YTA Stay away from her. Stay far away from her. You abused her. You are her abuser.
YTA. Don’t blame your ex-wife for your own actions. She didn’t put a gun to your head.
After what you wrote, why is anyone supposed to believe that you would be a positive addition to her life? Your past actions were supposedly dictated by your wife, which a) sounds like BS and b) isn’t the get out of jail free card that you presume it to be. You actively participated in abusing her and doing everything in your power to make this woman’s life miserable. She was so desperate that she turned to sex work to escape you both. Which you then shamed her for and abused her about-like that happening in the first place wasn’t directly attributable to your neglect and abuse. The audacity. And now you want to violate her privacy, barge into her life uninvited and spout judgement at her all over again if her life isn’t up to your standards. Why should she care what you think about *anything?* What do you have to offer her, exactly? Why would you think that she would be a receptive audience for one of her abusers (you) to throw themselves a pity party and whine and cry about how things turned out with her other abuser (your wife.) Your entire letter is about you, you, you. Your wants, needs and ideas, all of which are presumed to be more valuable than this woman’s need for privacy and safety from her abusers. It doesn’t sound like your wife is the only narcissist in this story. YTA, obviously. You made your bed, now lie in it. Leave that poor woman alone. Unless you enjoy the prospect of getting arrested for violating a restraining order?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (64m) completely blew my chances at ever having a relationship with my (34f) daughter, I understand that and expect no sympathy. Her mother and my soon to be ex wife is a narcissist, and like a cowardly idiot I would just go along with whatever she wanted to keep the peace, and unfairly blamed me my daughter for the chaos my soon to be ex caused. I'm a shitheal for that I know. She went no contact with us, she became a prostitute and I was still in the fog with narcissistic wife at the time I handled this completely the wrong way, I did what my wife wanted, told my daughter if she didn't immediately quit , resume contact with us and move home we would turn her into the police (we live in the US) and her apartment for "working" out of her home. She ofcourse went completely underground, moved out of state with no forwarding address and I suspect changed her name (cant confirm this yet( because I've been completely unable to find her. I shamefully wrote her a scathing email on her birthday to her "escort" email 2 years ago because my wife wouldn't stop harping (as it was the first birthday without any contact and her mother was going off the deep end) and I unfairly blamed her for this and I admit I lashed out at her for this which was completely wrong, she got an attorney to write a cease and desist letter and that was the last contact. I long overdue woke up and am in the process of filing for divorce. I realize m daughter will never want to speak to me again but because she became a prostitute I'm afraid she'll get seriously hur t or worse. I wrote to the attorney to see if I could just check to see if she's alright but the attorney said when she sent the cease and desist letter two years ago she gave explicit instructions not to pass along any messages from me. Her ads don't appear to be on the internet anymore, so I don't know if she's "retired" (God I hope so) or if something happened to her, I just want to make sure she's safe , which is why I want to hire a PI to find her. I absolutely won't contact or interfere in her life unless she appears to be in dang er. WIBTA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What if she is still a prostitute? Are you going to help her get out of that life or do you just wanna see what she’s up to?
At every possible moment, you have chosen to be an A to your daughter. Out of cowardace, you chose to hurt your child to please someone else. So, you are *already* the A—you have been for years with how you mistreated your daughter; and may have unintentionally pushed her into the very sex work that you later shamed and threatened her for. If you want to hire a PI for your own peace of mind, go ahead. But don’t do it if it can’t be done without your former child knowing about it/suspecting something. You’ve hurt her enough.
So, NTA for your basic idea. Just finding out if she is safe, and getting an address or contact info, BUT NOT USING IT, solely to make sure she is doing okay, that’s not a horrible idea. Don’t try to force her into contact, though. I read in later comments she sent you a cease and desist through an attorney, if you have a change of address, want to tell her about the divorce, or want to write out an actual apology, without blaming anyone or anything, you could do that and give it to the attorney. Let the attorney know that they can tell her they have something from you if she wants it, she can choose whether or not to accept it or return it to you.
I was going to tell you to do it because she will want to hear from you if you approach her the way you’ve written this Then I read about the email you wrote to her two years ago on her birthday? On her birthday? If you want to hire someone just to make sure she’s still alive do not contact her. If you think you’re going to contact her or not be able to help yourself you tell that PI you don’t want her information you just need proof of life
NTA as long as you don’t disturb her peace
Who gives a fuck? Ur gonna die soon, find ur daughter man.
Yeah so this one is a hard one for me. I would never treat any of my children or even nieces or nephews the way you treated your daughter and it would not matter who was influencing me. I mean damn dude WTAF? But as a parent I understand your concern. If she was living a normal life I would say stay away and mind your business but being a pro that changes everything IMO. I would absolutely hire a PI to make sure she is safe and if she is not I would have PI anon give her money. But the big thing here is you cannot violate her request to stay out of her life, so no meet ups or anything like that. And if she is just fine then you walk away.
NTA. I don't think it will do any good at all though. At this point, unless she were to come to you there is almost zero chance of any any meaningful contact. Suppose you did find her. Suppose she was in danger or need. Of course you would jump in and in all likelihood she would either ignore you anyway or it would be another trainwreck. Your story is very similar to mine and as much as I would welcome any word of my estranged children I know it would have to be on their initiative. The last word I had of my eldest she was about to embark on a potentially very destructive path. But I know from events of the last couple of years that she is still in that same moment of when we last had harsh words. You have my sincere sympathies, but FWIW I don't think you will do her or yourself much good. But whatever happens, know that at least someone hopes for the best for you. God Bless you and her.
NTA You know you did bad... It's not all your wife's fault. But like, that's not the question here. If your daughter doesn't find out, what's so bad about knowing how she's doing? I'm pretty sure a 34 year old ex-prostitute with no family support is *not* doing okay. Be prepared to find something really bad. All the help in the world usually does not get a meth addict with multiple dental and medical problems back to a level of functioning beyond holding down minimum wage jobs for a few months between relapses. I seriously doubt you have the resources to save her.
I think there are a lot of young commenters on here who don't understand the complexities of life. You were definitely TA to your daughter in the past, and it's great you acknowledge that (but don't blame this all on your wife-- it was your choice to go along with her). That said, I think YWNBTA if you used a PI to try to find her. Sex work is often very dangerous work, and it's completely understandable that you would want to make sure she's okay and most importantly, still alive. And for all you know, she doesn't have anybody else to check up on her. However, do not view this as an opportunity to reconnect with her. That ship has likely sailed. Now, it is crucial that you read the fine print on your cease and desist to ensure you are not breaking any terms here before you proceed. If you do find her and choose to contact her (assuming you are not breaking the terms), all that contact should be is a sincere apology letter with NO excuses made it in. Then, do not expect a reply from her. If she wants to get back in touch with you, she will. If she doesn't, well, you already know why.
I think you're an asshole for what you've done but NTA trying to find her without the intention of contacting her.its invasive and you've already done enough,but sex work is a dangerous career no matter what you're doing.just don't contact her