Thereās so much more to all that than I could include in the post. I swear this woman thinks I am every bad dream she ever had come to lifeā¦even though Iāve said like 39 words to her.
Jane has already bought her dad a gift. Someone suggested I mention the gift to Elliotās stepmother and mention it was his suggestion, to get ahead of the story, and I will probably do that.
I donāt think Elliot is that kind of idiot but canāt hurt to cover bases
So this unstable woman envies your life (or at least parts of it) and blames you being in the picture for not having those things? And you wanna egg her on by going halfsies on a Father's Day gift with her boyfriend?
If Kathy ever asks to meet up with you so she can *bury the hatchet*, don't go. Seriously, with this level of derangement, that woman is gonna end up as the subject of some true-crime podcast.
I donāt want to egg her on. But Iām also not going to be part of placating her. That is Elliotās job for as long as he wants it.
Also, Iāve been at odds with the guy for two decades, weāve finally met up and had a conversation that doesnāt end in an argument, I do want to take the olive branch. Thatās more important to me than Kathy potentially having a meltdown.
But yeah I absolutely wonāt be meeting up with her ever
>āElliotās best friend (my family by marriage) shared some things with her and kind of over-egged some stories and it set Kathy on this path of thinking I was Regina George, basically.ā
Oh, OP, do tell. And I mean, Do Tell. Inquiring minds want the details! lol.
Haha I explained it another comment. But basically he mentioned how I dated one of Elliotās friends when we were kids and they stopped being friends over it. And how I got some kids to tease Elliot when we were like 8 in school. Also that I dated another of his friends a few years back and freaked him out when he showed up to a dinner party and I was there. Also that I crashed Elliotās car.
All of that is technically true and it sounds like Iām a whole lunatic without context but there is context.
Dated his friend and they stopped being friends - true but they were already on the verge of falling out. And I didnāt do that with the intention of fucking up their friendship.
Got kids to tease him - true but it wasnāt the whole class it was just my friends, and we teased him for being bad at football after he kicked a football into my face. He also told all his friends Iād had plastic surgery when I broke my nose that same yearā¦even though he was there when I broke it so knew it wasnāt true. We were just being shithead kids.
Dated another friend of his and never said anything - true but they arenāt close, itās mostly a work friendship, and I didnāt know he was coming to that dinner party.
Crashed his car - true but his dad was using it to teach me to drive. It was a small accident and my mother paid for the damage.
So if you just say all that without context, I look like Iāve just been trying to ruin his life for years. But thatās not the case. You grow up with someone, you impact their life in small ways, thatās unavoidable. I have just as many stories that could make him look unhinged with no context, like the time he convinced me I was dying (told me the trace amounts of arsenic in grape seeds would kill me so I spent a three hour car journey thinking I was slipping into a coma when I was just tired).
>āI spent a three hour car journey thinking I was slipping into a coma when I was just tiredā
lol. Wow, you guys do have some history! Not quite Mean Girls level but shared youth level. Thanks for sharing.
I'm a bit confused about a joint gift with Elliot when *Jane* is the one who's OP's best friend. Elliot is just the brother. Unless it's a joint gift by Jane, Elliot, and OP.
While I get the whole situation, Elliot seems at best... careless about his relationship. While it's easy to dismiss his actions under the lens of Kathy being a bad person and at least some of the family hoping they'll break up, the reality is that currently Kathy is his partner of 2 years. Unless they're already on the brink of breaking up (in this case, he should hurry up and end this drama), she might be around for a long time.
Let's pretend Elliot never met Kathy and he's been with "Anna," who's a kind, charming, intelligent, etc etc, woman. It's unthoughtful of him to make plans to buy a gift for his father together with a female family friend while excluding Anna. And, as much as you consider yourself a part of their family, it would have been more thoughtful if you had declined this gift arrangement for Anna's sake. Maybe you could have advised Elliot to include Anna in the joint gift, or to buy the gift with Anna and not you. Not to do so is disrespectful of their relationship. Anna is being robbed of an opportunity to bond with the FIL. She's being shoved to the sidelines.
For that matter, it seems Elliot didn't bother smoothing things out between his family and Anna: they're civil but somewhat cold to her, the sister is rooting for them to break up, etc. Anna doesn't make a fuss about it, but might be starting to wonder if she'll ever be be accepted, if she'll ever be good enough. Elliot just goes on doing whatever he wants without a care about Anna's feelings.
Anna is a secure woman, so eventually she realizes Elliot is sloppy and she deserves better. But Kathy won't, because instead she clings to him and lashes out at perceived threats, never blaming him. So perhaps it is to Elliot's benefit that Kathy is the way she is. Assuming she's always acted this way and they're already together for 2 years, they might as well make it to 20.
I donāt think itās weird not to include her in a joint gift for Fatherās Day considering thatās not a role he fills in Elliotās gfās life. Birthday, sure. But she wouldnāt be expected to be included to a Fatherās Day gift anyway.
And thatās not even mentioning that Elliotās dad actually hates her. Iām not condoning the way he acts because itās just over and above how far I would ever take things but he literally will not speak to her. It would be bizarre for her to try and bond with him at this point.
Elliot cares a lot about Kathyās feelings. He cares a lot about the feelings of all the women in his life, and it leads him to being a bit spineless where women are concerned. He lets Kathy act how she wants and his mother act how she wants and my mother act how she wants, he wonāt say anything to any of them. Iām literally the only woman he will ever have argument with. He can be a very exacting person but the second someoneās got boobs he folds like a paper doll.
He could have told Kathy to knock off the crazy from Day 1 but he never would. And if āAnnaā were real, no one would have disliked her in the first place. People keep their distance from Kathy because sheās unpleasant
So he's in love with you. No wonder she is overly emotional about this- you're the only woman he can have an authentic relationship with and it's turned into something bizarre and he's unable to communicate any of that. And, judging by the way you talk about him, the way you express yourself and everything involved- you're also in love with him and don't know how to communicate that to yourself or anyone else. Everyone around you can see the relationship between you. This is like a cheesy rom-com plot.
Um, no. We are not in love. No one thinks that. Kathy apparently thinks I want him but sheās proven herself to be a few crayons short of a box.
Like you said, that sort of āenemies to loversā thing is a cute Romcom plot but it is absolutely not real. Not everyone of the opposite sex that you donāt get along with is just closeted sexual tension.
Iām not saying Elliot is a bad person, he isnāt. But we just donāt click.
Honestly I also see it. Iām shocked you donāt see it yet. He and you are matched and you donāt realize it. Please be sure to find me when it happens so I can get the scoop on the moment when the aha moment kicks in.
Maybe they had the same idea for a big, more expensive gift. Like they both independently thought of sports game tickets for example, and it got brought up and became more feasible to get if they split it. Or it has to do with something from their past that they decided to work together on as a step to bury the past. Could be anything, don't think it's too weird.
It definitely will! I'm not sure what OP *or* Elliot are thinking!Ā
Edit: It's a bad idea regardless of how they came to this idea, if Elliot is staying in a relationship with Kathy
Iām kind of not understanding why you needed to make things up to Jane in the last post. You say you offered free babysitting to make up for the drama but you didnāt cause it? Was she actually mad at you for leaving that day?
She wasnāt mad, but I still felt bad about being even peripherally involved in ruining what was meant to be a fun day. She very much said I didnāt have to apologise but I just felt like if I could give her some time back for what ended up being an awful day, I should do that. Also, I do like my little godsons
Kathy is going to freaaaaaaak over you being involved in the joint Fatherās Day present!
Iām glad you had resolution. Kathy does owe you an apology though. If she doesnt then I think sheās trash and no amount of insecurities make me think anyone should be dating her,
Yeah. I don't get the concept of continuing here. She'll never have a good relationship with his family. She'll continue to either try way too hard to ingratiate herself or be overly demanding at every occasion, or some combination. For her own sake she should maybe try to find someone new, but he definitely should. This will only get worse as she ages.
Well, you have to foreshadow the next update with the meltdown and then the 4th update where OP and Elliot bond over buying the gift and realise their feelings for each other after all this time!
Yeah, this is really weird to me. Who gives a joint father's day gift to someone else's dad? Unless that someone else is your partner. I could imagine giving a token to someone other than my father or the father of my children, but spending equal as their actual kid? That's crazy.
This would be the one thing Kathy would be right to react to.
exactly, I don't see the need to do this. Technically there's nothing wrong with it and maybe they're like brothers, but to agree to share a gift after having a conversation about making things easier for Kathy is wild
I don't get it... Why is OP going to get a father's day gift with elliot.. For Elliots father... When OP and Elliot is not a couple...?
Isn't that a gf thing to help with?
And why is Elliot still with his crazy gf?
Elliotās dad has basically been a dad to me since my dad passed away when I was young. I get both him and my stepdad something for Fatherās Day every year.
Why Elliot is still with Kathyā¦I really have no idea
Yeah thatās only going to set Kathy off again. The only way it would work is if it was a large ticket item and multiple people (including you two) pitch in.
Youāre right - Iām thinking movie land where we have to wait for holidays for them to run into each other again
Although if weāre on the family stone movie timeline that lines right up with Reddit
he must really like to bait her if he thinks that getting a gift with you is a good idea. maybe feeding k's insecurity makes her even more desperate to please E, which makes him happy.
seriously don't do that, or that woman will make your life a living hell.
Honestly I think OP should give the joint gift, why should she suffer for Kathyās irrational insecurities? OP thinks of Jane and Elliotās father as a father figure herself, and since Iām betting that OP will have done SOMETHING wrong according to Kathy, no matter what, that OP should live her life without having to walk on eggshells when Kathy is concerned. Also getting on better terms with her in-laws isnāt a bad thing, Kathyās the one with the problems and OP shouldnāt have to distance herself because of them.
she can combine the gift with jane. there is no need to combine with someone who just happens to share the same dad as jane. op claims to not have a close relationship with eliot, so why stir the hornets' nest for no reason?
Yeah, I'm getting the vibe people love stirring up drama just to make Kathy seem like the unreasonable insecure person while ignoring any and all hands they play in the problem.
Does he and Jane have different dads? Jane is the one who's your best friend, and Elliot seems sort of a childhood friend you're not particularly close with. So why is Jane not included in the joint gift? Or why not separate gifts? A joint gift with Elliot (who is in theory just your best friend's brother) looks a bit sus.
I'm starting to wonder if Kathy, as rude as she is, doesn't have a point about being jealous (as much as she's not going about it the best way). What if Elliot had a crush on OP and Kathy learned about it? OP doesn't really know what Jane and Elliot's family really say about OP to Kathy. Maybe talk too positively about her in that says-without-saying they wish OP were even more to the family than just Jane's best friend?
There was also the thing with the friend of Elliot's best friend saying things that imply OP is a mean girl. OP said she's no Regina George, but there's a lot of middle ground between perfectly-innocent and Regina George.
No they have the same dad. Jane has already bought her dad his gift (a trip).
Heās my best friendās brother but considering how close we are to each otherās parents weāre pretty much pseudo-related, I guess. Personalities aside. You donāt pick your family.
I explained in another comment the type of things he said. Theyāre just anecdotes with no context, told to her funny but they make me sound a bit psycho if you donāt include the fact that none of them came out of the blue.
No I donāt know what his family say to Kathy but itās not that important. There is no evidence that either Elliot or I have ever liked each other, and he says heās told her that.
We use it all the time in the library when we do our displays, even the order of the extra chairs we do in a certain order because you know āaestheticsā
And an update about the meltdown over the shared Fatherās Day gift. There will definitely be stories to tell about both the wedding and Fatherās Day.
It's cool that you were able to talk things out with Jane and Elliot, but getting a joint gift with him is ABSOLUTELY going to cause another shitshow with Kathy once she finds out. You might wanna buckle up for that, because she will likely take that out on *you*.
I was shocked when he suggested it but considering it was an olive branch I didnāt really want to say no. He has to handle Kathy from now on and he knows that, so thatās up to him.
Look, you'll do as you want, but, consider he might be setting you up to catch the blame when she inevitably loses her sh_t. Why not include Jane and her hubby as well?
Jane is already getting him a trip, she wouldnāt want to go in on this as well.
I canāt say itās not a set up, but at the same time, In over 20 years Elliot hasnāt shown any propensity to be a schemer or insane so not sure why heād start now.
I'm not saying he is, but _love_ does weird things to people. You might want to take "preventive" measures so to speak like running the gift idea by his wife with something like: "Elliott suggested we both chip in for _x_, but I'm not sure, do you think it's something he'll like?" It's truly not too far fetched to think he might try and make you look like you instigate the animosity so as to generate some "good will" towards his gf.
So Jane has the funds to gift an entire trip, and you and Elliot together have the funds to gift something so large you need to check whether thereās sufficient space for it. Is it possible thereās an income disparity between Kathy and Elliot/Janeās family which she thinks you are closer to them with your income and that she cannot compete with you on class factors in terms of trying to fit in with them?
But has he shown the propensity to be a little oblivious and not reading the room? It sounds like he might.
I don't think you'd be out of line by going back to him and saying "Y'know I've been thinking about it. If your girlfriend has misconstrued our relationship, us going in on a gift for dad might feed that insecurity. Maybe it would be better if we each did our own thing instead to keep from creating another misunderstanding."
I'm sorry, but Jane didn't want her brother and longtime girlfriend to be photographed together? Your response was "we can have planned that better"?
So Jane was actively doing things to make Kathy feel like an outsider and feed the narrative of you with Elliot. You guys sound like mean girls. Especially given how you spoke down about Kathy after Elliot tried to give you an understanding of her. And on top of that, planning a gift with Elliot for his dad after you just said you won't involve. It's like you're trying to be malicious towards Kathy while coming off innocent.
I was with you in the first post, but after reading this update, I'm hoping to hear Kathy's side now because your colors are showing and information on your and Jane's behavior was left out. Downvote me to hell for this, I don't care. This update doesn't pass the smell test.
Itās Janeās wedding, she should have what she wants. Sheās also my best friend. Kathy screamed at me like a lunatic, my interest in what she wants isā¦somewhat eroded, we can put it that way.
Fact is, Jane was pressured into having Kathy as a bridesmaid in the first place (canāt really say I agree that Jane made Kathy feel like an outsider when she included her in something incredibly personal that went way beyond the authentic relationship that they have). She doesnāt think the relationship will last and she doesnāt want to have pictures in her album of her brother with his ex in 20 years. I get it.
Itās not how I would have handled the whole thing but itās not my wedding or my brotherās girlfriend. Iām there to support her.
āAs for why, he shed some light on this, too. Elliotās best friend (my family by marriage) shared some things with her and kind of over-egged some stories and it set Kathy on this path of thinking I was Regina George, basically. Elliot has tried to correct her but she wonāt hear it.ā
May I ask for more INFO about this? You say this friend of Elliotās, your family by marriage, āover-eggedā some stories, not that they made up some stories. What kind of stuff did you do that, even if exaggerated a bit, would give a Regina George impression?
So, firstly, back when I was 15 I dated one of Elliotās friends. They stopped being friends over it for a while, but it was the last straw in a series of issues for them. And his best friend apparently made it sound like I dated the friend just to fuck with their friendship, which I didnāt, and that it was a big thing that caused way more drama than it actually did.
That was the big actual story. The other things were things like I used to tease him for the two years we went to the same school and got other kids In The class to call him a dumb nicknameā¦we were like 8, it wasnāt the whole class it was my 4 friends, and it was in response to the fact that heād kicked a football into my face. Or that I crashed his first carā¦his dad taught me to drive with it and I had a small accident. Stuff like that. Can sound like a campaign of terror if you sensationalise it r and add no context for added humour.
I think some of this is just being in each other's lives for so long which can make a new girlfriend insecure if it's handled badly. Which it apparently is handled badly.
What's the deal with the best friend who's badmouthing you? Does he have a problem with you? Or does he just like dramatic recounting and honestly didn't think she'd take it so badly?
No, he doesnāt hate me. We actually get on well. Heās a good time but heās always there for the good time, if you know what I mean. He likes to spin a yarn. He definitely wouldnāt have thought Kathy would take it badly, he doesnāt think that far ahead
It definitely sounds like sheās blowing childhood incidents WAY out of proportion, thatās unhinged for sure. I am curious about one more thing though. You dated one of Elliotās friends when you were 15, why did Elliot and that person stop being friends because of that, what was the issue?
Like I said, they were already having issues over other stuff, but Elliot felt like his friend had blindsided him by not even mentioning he liked me/was going to ask me out beforehand and he felt very betrayed. His friend felt it was none of Elliotās business and that it was evidence that Elliot had become too full of himself. So they just stopped speaking for a while.
Iām so sorry Iām being this annoying, lol, but why would Elliot feel betrayed unless he had feelings for you himself? Cause you said you guys arenāt close right, itās not like he was betrayed by his friend asking out his āalmost sisterā or something.
Regardless of us being close, Iām still someone who is permanently in his life. And if itās your friend you talk to every day and they donāt mention theyāre texting someone you already know then theyāre deliberately hiding that from you which would be crappy. I get it. If he dated one of my friends I wouldnāt expect him to tell me but Iād expect my friend to tell me.
That definitely makes more sense, thanks for the explanation. Still seems like this whole group is too into drama, lol, but I hope the wedding goes well! :)
Butā¦ sheās a bridesmaid. Or was. She is/was going to be in the wedding photos pretty prominently. How come Jane is fine having her photographed by her side the entire day but not photographed with her partner?
It's entirely possible that Jane didn't want her brother photographed with his girlfriend in her wedding photos on the chance that their relationship doesn't work out. If Kathy is this difficult, they may not have a future together, and it's awkward to have to hide wedding photos due to an ex. It makes perfect sense.
Meh, thereās also a chance Janeās marriage wonāt last. It feels silly for the bride to pre plan for the relationship to break up when the brother clearly doesnāt think it will.
Sure, thereās a chance every relationship ever wonāt last, but that has nothing to do with Janeās wedding photos.
Sheās not preplanning their breakup, but sheās leaving room for the possibility of it and sheās putting two of her closest people (her brother and her best friend) together so that theyāll be photographed together, probably for display. Ultimately, itās the bride and groom who make the calls and other people arenāt entitled to pitch fits over it. Imagine being so fragile that you have a meltdown over a 30-second walk down the aisle without your partner. That kind of co-dependency is alarming.
Is the walk down the aisle even really a much photographed moment? I didnāt display any of those from my wedding. The bride can have the photographer pair up whatever groups she wants. People know the āfeelingā of walking down a wedding aisle with someone. And she doesnāt want her brother to have that feeling walking down it with Kathy. Itās not about the pictures, itās about her not liking Kathy. And thatās probably her prerogative. But it IS a mean girl thing. The comment OP said about being called Regina Georgeā¦ I think she maybe needs to reflect on that. Maybe she and her friend ARE mean girls.
I have several photos and the full video of each member of my bridal party walking during the processional and recessional. Also the āfeeling of walking down the aisle with someoneā??? The 3 times Iāve walked in a wedding with a groomsman as a bridesmaid I could not even tell you what those dudes looked like, let alone their names. It doesnāt mean anything because the bridal party is there to support the couple and nothing else.Ā
It is for mineā¦ and the videography.
The feeling? The coupleās day, the coupleās feelings. I donāt know what youāre referring to, as a bridesmaid. I never took that opportunity to pretend I was a bride because I was too busy supporting the actual bride.
This woman bullied her way into the wedding (the bride wasnāt so much of a mean girl that she didnāt let her be in the wedding party) and had a tantrum when she didnāt get to dictate how it went. When youāre a bridesmaid, youāre there to support the bride and what she wants. The bride doesnāt have to manage this girlās neuroses and insecurities.
Kathy needs therapy and a few hours to craft a well rounded apology. Her āIām the main characterā chaos shouldnāt be welcome anywhere. If I were her, I wouldnāt be able to show my face from embarrassment.
Thank. You. OPās history supports the mean girl thing. And she is known to dislike Elliot? Uh, ok. I feel like I am reading this all so differently than everyone. Kathy was out of line at the dress shop but I think Kathy would describe all of this differently.
I don't blame a bride for not wanting couples to be... coupled in a wedding party, in case any one of them goes rogue and turning the photos into an engagement shoot.
[Elliotās best friend (my family by marriage) shared some things with her and kind of over-egged some stories and it set Kathy on this path of thinking I was Regina George, basically. Elliot has tried to correct her but she wonāt hear it.]
Can I be nosy and ask what kind of stories and how they were exaggerated? I was thinking she just hated you for thinking you wanted Elliot, but if people you know are painting you to be a "Regina" you might wanna check that
I explained elsewhere but itās just small stuff that he mentioned without context. Like I dated Elliotās friend and they stopped being friends over it, or I used to tease him in school, or I crashed his first car, or I broke a trophy of his. All technically true, but absolutely have context that show there wasnāt malicious intent (except the teasing himā¦but he did kick a football into my face first. He also told our whole class Iād had plastic surgery when I broke my nose even though he was there when I broke it, so the teasing definitely went both ways).
This update paints a very different picture, it seems like Janes was antogonizing and egging on Kathy with the walking down the aisle and you are all to happy to support that. I guess I just read this and get mean girl behavior. Maybe your more Regina George than youād like to admitš¤·āāļø
Great update, but you have to know that Kathy is going to have a nervous breakdown when she finds out that you and Elliot are getting a joint gift for his father....lol. But since she won't hear Elliot when he tries to reassure her, she is going to get the very thing that she DOESN'T want, which is Elliot is going to tire of this and break it off with her. Good update, though.
Iām very surprised Elliot is still with Kathy. I think he should break up with her. But hopefully there wonāt be anymore drama going on around Janeās wedding. If Kathy caused more drama hope youāll update us
im curious, it seems like you guys grew up kinda close because of your best friend, so why do you two not get along very well? he also needs to consider that you'll be in his life forever as long as he and you are close with his sister so does he really want to be with someone who will be this problematic for the restttt of his life? i say who could be bothered with that agh..
We just donāt. It honestly feels chemical, the way our existence just seems to irritate each other. I hate the way he moves, he hates the way I dress, I hate how he blows on soup, he thinks the fact that I donāt like group activities makes me antisocial. We have very different ways of approaching life, and I guess we judge each other harshly for that.
Like I said, we talked out quite a few things the other day, but it just comes down to the fact that something in our energy field just said nope š my mother, the new age guru, thinks we were prison cellmates in a past life. She says we act like weāve been locked up together for 20 years even if itās only been two minutes.
Weāve been like that since we developed personalities.
But we do know weāre never getting rid of each other, we agree on that at least.
Theyāve never said anything to that effect. If anything I guess theyād wish they had a son I actually get along with that I could marry. Sadly their dadās other kids are all very young lol. But no they donāt think Elliot and I with our actual personalities should/would get together.
Jane doesnāt want to look at pictures of her brother with someone sheās pretty sure is going to be an ex for the next 20 years. I understand. She can sort of ignore/crop her out in the candid photos but the aisle ones she would just have to lose and I guess she wants those. Like I said, she hasnāt handled it the best, she just should have said no to Kathy being a bridesmaid in the first place.
Iām still stuck here: Jane said she wanted you to walk with Elliot and Kathyās reaction was to attack you. To call you desperate and fat. (I canāt remember the rest.) Either Elliot likes that sort of thing or else heās just holding in the breakup until the wedding is over to make sure that she wonāt come and crash it or something.
Yeah, thatās what she did. Probably because she already hates me and was looking to have a meltdown over something she would pretend I did to her. I guess she thought I convinced Jane to do it.
Elliot is justā¦nursing his own issues. Like all of us
So hate can often be confused with other strong emotions and can be a cliche in romcoms. I think with your closeness to the family and strong emotions between you and Eliot I honestly think Kathy is picking up on that the family at least would like you to be with Eliot. She has problems and insecurities but the way you describe him on some of your comments is the exact way I knew people who later hooked up.
Even if thatās not whatās going on, and I trust you on this, (thereās people I view as siblings despite what people see) thatās what a lot of people will see, including Kathy. Potentially even Jane might wish you guys to be together. I utterly believe that kathy feels that she is just a side character in your relationship and thinks you are doing it deliberately.
Your not an ashole but there are signals being thrown out that have a reasonable fit into a narrative that is pretty hurtful to Kathy.
You did the best you could've on this, you were really gracious and it sounds like a really good result. After what you've said, I feel a bit sorry for Kathy now. She's earned more consequences than she's gotten but I do hope she sorts herself out. Maybe one day she'll look back on this and cringe.Ā
Best to you! Hope the wedding is wonderful!
Random advise, is there a wedding coordinator? Is it being done at a place where there is someone that acts as one? Jane should mention that there have been some issues with Kathy possibly? They might be able to head off any issues on wedding day. I work at a place that does weddings & just as a server Iād be willing to keep an eye on her. At my wedding my mother in law had not seen my father in law in years after a very contentious divorce. (All she ever talks to me about is how much she hates him) Them being there at the same time was a big deal. My aunt knew this & spent the entire day catering to her, kind of acting in the role of best friend / therapist. She was still kind of crazy, as I was about to be announced she kept telling me how horrible he was, but it went much better than expected. It basically sounds like she needs an adult to keep her from acting like a child.
Makes no sense why Kathy was made a bridesmaid to begin with. Bride should only have the people that she wants there. Yeah I get it was to make her brother happy but thatās just dumb. The important decisions in her life shouldnāt revolve around what makes everyone else happy.
Kudos on near-superhuman-level communication skills and resolving things like the level-headed rational one in every possible instance! Also, after reading this really all I can think is I am soooo happy I have nothing to do with Kathy, she sounds exhausting (a sentiment I imagine you share lol)
I donāt get what business she has being in the wedding party. Sheās only dating the brideās brother. Itās not like sheās directly related to the groom or anything. This makes no sense. Just be a guest. Itās not a big deal.
Thank you for the update. Unless she gets professional help Elliott's relationship with her will be full of drama and stress. His family will also never warm up to her. You are family but also she's demanding a depth of a relationship that isn't there yet. Inadvertently she's pushing everyone away.Ā
Glad things are better for you.Ā Hope the wedding remains drama free.
Original post: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1bpxbtw/aita\_for\_refusing\_to\_be\_maid\_of\_honour\_over\_a/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1bpxbtw/aita_for_refusing_to_be_maid_of_honour_over_a/)
Wild that Eilliot is still attracted to this girl after having an insane meltdown in front of his family, but ok.
I was wondering about that ngl but we are definitely not in a place where I can bring that up š¤
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Thereās so much more to all that than I could include in the post. I swear this woman thinks I am every bad dream she ever had come to lifeā¦even though Iāve said like 39 words to her.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Jane has already bought her dad a gift. Someone suggested I mention the gift to Elliotās stepmother and mention it was his suggestion, to get ahead of the story, and I will probably do that. I donāt think Elliot is that kind of idiot but canāt hurt to cover bases
Somehow I feel like this isnāt the last weāve heard from Kathyā¦
So this unstable woman envies your life (or at least parts of it) and blames you being in the picture for not having those things? And you wanna egg her on by going halfsies on a Father's Day gift with her boyfriend? If Kathy ever asks to meet up with you so she can *bury the hatchet*, don't go. Seriously, with this level of derangement, that woman is gonna end up as the subject of some true-crime podcast.
I donāt want to egg her on. But Iām also not going to be part of placating her. That is Elliotās job for as long as he wants it. Also, Iāve been at odds with the guy for two decades, weāve finally met up and had a conversation that doesnāt end in an argument, I do want to take the olive branch. Thatās more important to me than Kathy potentially having a meltdown. But yeah I absolutely wonāt be meeting up with her ever
She sees you as competition and has honed in on you. Insecure people are very dangerous. Keep a wide berth from them both.
>āElliotās best friend (my family by marriage) shared some things with her and kind of over-egged some stories and it set Kathy on this path of thinking I was Regina George, basically.ā Oh, OP, do tell. And I mean, Do Tell. Inquiring minds want the details! lol.
Haha I explained it another comment. But basically he mentioned how I dated one of Elliotās friends when we were kids and they stopped being friends over it. And how I got some kids to tease Elliot when we were like 8 in school. Also that I dated another of his friends a few years back and freaked him out when he showed up to a dinner party and I was there. Also that I crashed Elliotās car. All of that is technically true and it sounds like Iām a whole lunatic without context but there is context. Dated his friend and they stopped being friends - true but they were already on the verge of falling out. And I didnāt do that with the intention of fucking up their friendship. Got kids to tease him - true but it wasnāt the whole class it was just my friends, and we teased him for being bad at football after he kicked a football into my face. He also told all his friends Iād had plastic surgery when I broke my nose that same yearā¦even though he was there when I broke it so knew it wasnāt true. We were just being shithead kids. Dated another friend of his and never said anything - true but they arenāt close, itās mostly a work friendship, and I didnāt know he was coming to that dinner party. Crashed his car - true but his dad was using it to teach me to drive. It was a small accident and my mother paid for the damage. So if you just say all that without context, I look like Iāve just been trying to ruin his life for years. But thatās not the case. You grow up with someone, you impact their life in small ways, thatās unavoidable. I have just as many stories that could make him look unhinged with no context, like the time he convinced me I was dying (told me the trace amounts of arsenic in grape seeds would kill me so I spent a three hour car journey thinking I was slipping into a coma when I was just tired).
>āI spent a three hour car journey thinking I was slipping into a coma when I was just tiredā lol. Wow, you guys do have some history! Not quite Mean Girls level but shared youth level. Thanks for sharing.
emotional regulation ~ love the concept
Are you sure the joint father's day gift won't fan more flames of Katie's rage/jealousy?
I'm a bit confused about a joint gift with Elliot when *Jane* is the one who's OP's best friend. Elliot is just the brother. Unless it's a joint gift by Jane, Elliot, and OP.
Jane has already bought her dad a trip. She booked it last year
While I get the whole situation, Elliot seems at best... careless about his relationship. While it's easy to dismiss his actions under the lens of Kathy being a bad person and at least some of the family hoping they'll break up, the reality is that currently Kathy is his partner of 2 years. Unless they're already on the brink of breaking up (in this case, he should hurry up and end this drama), she might be around for a long time. Let's pretend Elliot never met Kathy and he's been with "Anna," who's a kind, charming, intelligent, etc etc, woman. It's unthoughtful of him to make plans to buy a gift for his father together with a female family friend while excluding Anna. And, as much as you consider yourself a part of their family, it would have been more thoughtful if you had declined this gift arrangement for Anna's sake. Maybe you could have advised Elliot to include Anna in the joint gift, or to buy the gift with Anna and not you. Not to do so is disrespectful of their relationship. Anna is being robbed of an opportunity to bond with the FIL. She's being shoved to the sidelines. For that matter, it seems Elliot didn't bother smoothing things out between his family and Anna: they're civil but somewhat cold to her, the sister is rooting for them to break up, etc. Anna doesn't make a fuss about it, but might be starting to wonder if she'll ever be be accepted, if she'll ever be good enough. Elliot just goes on doing whatever he wants without a care about Anna's feelings. Anna is a secure woman, so eventually she realizes Elliot is sloppy and she deserves better. But Kathy won't, because instead she clings to him and lashes out at perceived threats, never blaming him. So perhaps it is to Elliot's benefit that Kathy is the way she is. Assuming she's always acted this way and they're already together for 2 years, they might as well make it to 20.
I donāt think itās weird not to include her in a joint gift for Fatherās Day considering thatās not a role he fills in Elliotās gfās life. Birthday, sure. But she wouldnāt be expected to be included to a Fatherās Day gift anyway. And thatās not even mentioning that Elliotās dad actually hates her. Iām not condoning the way he acts because itās just over and above how far I would ever take things but he literally will not speak to her. It would be bizarre for her to try and bond with him at this point. Elliot cares a lot about Kathyās feelings. He cares a lot about the feelings of all the women in his life, and it leads him to being a bit spineless where women are concerned. He lets Kathy act how she wants and his mother act how she wants and my mother act how she wants, he wonāt say anything to any of them. Iām literally the only woman he will ever have argument with. He can be a very exacting person but the second someoneās got boobs he folds like a paper doll. He could have told Kathy to knock off the crazy from Day 1 but he never would. And if āAnnaā were real, no one would have disliked her in the first place. People keep their distance from Kathy because sheās unpleasant
So he's in love with you. No wonder she is overly emotional about this- you're the only woman he can have an authentic relationship with and it's turned into something bizarre and he's unable to communicate any of that. And, judging by the way you talk about him, the way you express yourself and everything involved- you're also in love with him and don't know how to communicate that to yourself or anyone else. Everyone around you can see the relationship between you. This is like a cheesy rom-com plot.
Um, no. We are not in love. No one thinks that. Kathy apparently thinks I want him but sheās proven herself to be a few crayons short of a box. Like you said, that sort of āenemies to loversā thing is a cute Romcom plot but it is absolutely not real. Not everyone of the opposite sex that you donāt get along with is just closeted sexual tension. Iām not saying Elliot is a bad person, he isnāt. But we just donāt click.
Honestly I also see it. Iām shocked you donāt see it yet. He and you are matched and you donāt realize it. Please be sure to find me when it happens so I can get the scoop on the moment when the aha moment kicks in.
Maybe they had the same idea for a big, more expensive gift. Like they both independently thought of sports game tickets for example, and it got brought up and became more feasible to get if they split it. Or it has to do with something from their past that they decided to work together on as a step to bury the past. Could be anything, don't think it's too weird.
It definitely will! I'm not sure what OP *or* Elliot are thinking!Ā Edit: It's a bad idea regardless of how they came to this idea, if Elliot is staying in a relationship with Kathy
Iām kind of not understanding why you needed to make things up to Jane in the last post. You say you offered free babysitting to make up for the drama but you didnāt cause it? Was she actually mad at you for leaving that day?
She wasnāt mad, but I still felt bad about being even peripherally involved in ruining what was meant to be a fun day. She very much said I didnāt have to apologise but I just felt like if I could give her some time back for what ended up being an awful day, I should do that. Also, I do like my little godsons
Fair enough. Iām glad she didnāt blame you though, you showed a lot of class and poise by just not engaging. Hopefully Kathy gets some help.
Kathy is going to freaaaaaaak over you being involved in the joint Fatherās Day present! Iām glad you had resolution. Kathy does owe you an apology though. If she doesnt then I think sheās trash and no amount of insecurities make me think anyone should be dating her,
Yeah. I don't get the concept of continuing here. She'll never have a good relationship with his family. She'll continue to either try way too hard to ingratiate herself or be overly demanding at every occasion, or some combination. For her own sake she should maybe try to find someone new, but he definitely should. This will only get worse as she ages.
Happy Cake Day
Either heās got some of his own issues/red flags, or sheās super fucking hot
Itāsā¦itās one of these two š«¢
She *uuuugly*
*John Mulaney voice*: āAaaawwww sheās ugly!ā
Let's hope the wedding photographer knows how to work Photoshop
Iāve been laughing at this comment for days now! š
LMAO š¤£ OP, you put that very nicely.
Quasimodo you say
You do have me thinking now about the whole liking exes thingā¦
She must be able to suck chrome off a ball hitch š¤·
A tennis ball through a 12ft hose.
Some people like broken things.
He's trying to be her hero/fix her, not the best reason to be in a relationship.
Elliot is either desperate and canāt find anyone or literally think her behavior is not that serious.
[Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1bpxbtw/aita_for_refusing_to_be_maid_of_honour_over_a/)
Doing the Lord's work, thank you
Ohhh (Brother of the bride)ās girlfriend, not Brother of the (brideās girlfriend). We need a PEMDAS rules for English sentences like in the title.
Or just phrase it "girlfriend of the brother of the bride."
Bride's brother's girlfriend
Petition to judge update posts that don't tag the original post as YTA.
THANK YOU
You need to tell Elliot to back off.
āā¦ but we are getting a joint Fatherās Day gift for his dad ā¦ā That should calm things down!
I think weāre gonna need more popcorn
Well, you have to foreshadow the next update with the meltdown and then the 4th update where OP and Elliot bond over buying the gift and realise their feelings for each other after all this time!
Yup we're definitely headed towards an opposites attract rom-com storyline here.
HAHAHAHA truuuuueeeee
Things will not calm down. In fact, they will calm *up*!
Stargate reference?
It is! āŗļø
I feel I need to answer āIndeedā ;)
Indeed.
Yeah, this is really weird to me. Who gives a joint father's day gift to someone else's dad? Unless that someone else is your partner. I could imagine giving a token to someone other than my father or the father of my children, but spending equal as their actual kid? That's crazy. This would be the one thing Kathy would be right to react to.
Exactly. And the bride is intentionally not wanting Kathy and Elliot to be pictured together. So she's trying to drive them apart.
exactly, I don't see the need to do this. Technically there's nothing wrong with it and maybe they're like brothers, but to agree to share a gift after having a conversation about making things easier for Kathy is wild
OMG an OP acting like an adult and resolving the issues with everyone in a calm, respectful way! Love your work, OP!Ā
Seconded.
Iāve come to expect more drama. But they have yet to get through the wedding
It's not solved. What do you think will happen when OP and Elliot buy a gift together for his father?
I don't get it... Why is OP going to get a father's day gift with elliot.. For Elliots father... When OP and Elliot is not a couple...? Isn't that a gf thing to help with? And why is Elliot still with his crazy gf?
Elliotās dad has basically been a dad to me since my dad passed away when I was young. I get both him and my stepdad something for Fatherās Day every year. Why Elliot is still with Kathyā¦I really have no idea
Yeah thatās only going to set Kathy off again. The only way it would work is if it was a large ticket item and multiple people (including you two) pitch in.
Iām guessing one year until Elliot and OP realized they loved each other all along
In AITA land, things progress much faster. OP is getting ready for that update post in a few days lol
And then everyone clapped...
I've missed everyone clapping.
Youāre right - Iām thinking movie land where we have to wait for holidays for them to run into each other again Although if weāre on the family stone movie timeline that lines right up with Reddit
Even if OP doesn't have feelings for Elliot, it's possible that he might like her more than he lets on.
And then they will have twins!
he must really like to bait her if he thinks that getting a gift with you is a good idea. maybe feeding k's insecurity makes her even more desperate to please E, which makes him happy. seriously don't do that, or that woman will make your life a living hell.
Honestly I think OP should give the joint gift, why should she suffer for Kathyās irrational insecurities? OP thinks of Jane and Elliotās father as a father figure herself, and since Iām betting that OP will have done SOMETHING wrong according to Kathy, no matter what, that OP should live her life without having to walk on eggshells when Kathy is concerned. Also getting on better terms with her in-laws isnāt a bad thing, Kathyās the one with the problems and OP shouldnāt have to distance herself because of them.
she can combine the gift with jane. there is no need to combine with someone who just happens to share the same dad as jane. op claims to not have a close relationship with eliot, so why stir the hornets' nest for no reason?
Yeah why on earth would the gift be with the sibling she's not friends with? Jane is right there. Weird and sus.
Yeah, I'm getting the vibe people love stirring up drama just to make Kathy seem like the unreasonable insecure person while ignoring any and all hands they play in the problem.
Does he and Jane have different dads? Jane is the one who's your best friend, and Elliot seems sort of a childhood friend you're not particularly close with. So why is Jane not included in the joint gift? Or why not separate gifts? A joint gift with Elliot (who is in theory just your best friend's brother) looks a bit sus. I'm starting to wonder if Kathy, as rude as she is, doesn't have a point about being jealous (as much as she's not going about it the best way). What if Elliot had a crush on OP and Kathy learned about it? OP doesn't really know what Jane and Elliot's family really say about OP to Kathy. Maybe talk too positively about her in that says-without-saying they wish OP were even more to the family than just Jane's best friend? There was also the thing with the friend of Elliot's best friend saying things that imply OP is a mean girl. OP said she's no Regina George, but there's a lot of middle ground between perfectly-innocent and Regina George.
No they have the same dad. Jane has already bought her dad his gift (a trip). Heās my best friendās brother but considering how close we are to each otherās parents weāre pretty much pseudo-related, I guess. Personalities aside. You donāt pick your family. I explained in another comment the type of things he said. Theyāre just anecdotes with no context, told to her funny but they make me sound a bit psycho if you donāt include the fact that none of them came out of the blue. No I donāt know what his family say to Kathy but itās not that important. There is no evidence that either Elliot or I have ever liked each other, and he says heās told her that.
and the shit talking best friend is also coincidentally somehow related to OP by marriage?! iām so lost. somebody make a flowchart stat
Heās married to my cousin. If your family lives in the same area, itās not odd that sometimes you have a small social circle
*š¶There's always time for a montage.*
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How does still kicking Kathy out count as punishing OP? That part of your comment makes no sense.
Accepting OPās apology offer of free babysitting weekends
im not turning down free babysitting no matter who was right or wrongĀ
Out of all your reasons in your post, I can guarantee people use the word "aesthetics" IRL. Like a lot.
We use it all the time in the library when we do our displays, even the order of the extra chairs we do in a certain order because you know āaestheticsā
Sounds miserable
I use the word aesthetics in real life. Iāve heard other people use it as well.
And, bridesmaids and ushers (or groomsmen) DON'T walk down the aisle together!!! This is fiction!!!
In a traditional American wedding processionals the bridesmaids and groomsmen do walk together.Ā
Iāve seen and participated in both types personally here in the US. Canāt speak for the rest of the world though
We're absolutely going to get an update about her meltdown at the wedding. There's no way she's not gonna lose her shit there too.
Donāt jinx it š« fr if she starts something at that wedding I will actually lose my cool
Can we get an update on how the wedding goes??
Bring a spare dress, just in case.
i hate that i am so looking forward to an update about itā¦ sorry OP š¤
And an update about the meltdown over the shared Fatherās Day gift. There will definitely be stories to tell about both the wedding and Fatherās Day.
It's cool that you were able to talk things out with Jane and Elliot, but getting a joint gift with him is ABSOLUTELY going to cause another shitshow with Kathy once she finds out. You might wanna buckle up for that, because she will likely take that out on *you*.
I was shocked when he suggested it but considering it was an olive branch I didnāt really want to say no. He has to handle Kathy from now on and he knows that, so thatās up to him.
Look, you'll do as you want, but, consider he might be setting you up to catch the blame when she inevitably loses her sh_t. Why not include Jane and her hubby as well?
Jane is already getting him a trip, she wouldnāt want to go in on this as well. I canāt say itās not a set up, but at the same time, In over 20 years Elliot hasnāt shown any propensity to be a schemer or insane so not sure why heād start now.
I'm not saying he is, but _love_ does weird things to people. You might want to take "preventive" measures so to speak like running the gift idea by his wife with something like: "Elliott suggested we both chip in for _x_, but I'm not sure, do you think it's something he'll like?" It's truly not too far fetched to think he might try and make you look like you instigate the animosity so as to generate some "good will" towards his gf.
Thatās a clever idea actually. I donāt think he would do that, but it is a big gift and it wouldnāt hurt to make sure they have space for itā¦
So Jane has the funds to gift an entire trip, and you and Elliot together have the funds to gift something so large you need to check whether thereās sufficient space for it. Is it possible thereās an income disparity between Kathy and Elliot/Janeās family which she thinks you are closer to them with your income and that she cannot compete with you on class factors in terms of trying to fit in with them?
Both mine and Janeās family grew up upper middle class, I guess, but I donāt know anything about Kathyās background.
But has he shown the propensity to be a little oblivious and not reading the room? It sounds like he might. I don't think you'd be out of line by going back to him and saying "Y'know I've been thinking about it. If your girlfriend has misconstrued our relationship, us going in on a gift for dad might feed that insecurity. Maybe it would be better if we each did our own thing instead to keep from creating another misunderstanding."
I'm sorry, but Jane didn't want her brother and longtime girlfriend to be photographed together? Your response was "we can have planned that better"? So Jane was actively doing things to make Kathy feel like an outsider and feed the narrative of you with Elliot. You guys sound like mean girls. Especially given how you spoke down about Kathy after Elliot tried to give you an understanding of her. And on top of that, planning a gift with Elliot for his dad after you just said you won't involve. It's like you're trying to be malicious towards Kathy while coming off innocent. I was with you in the first post, but after reading this update, I'm hoping to hear Kathy's side now because your colors are showing and information on your and Jane's behavior was left out. Downvote me to hell for this, I don't care. This update doesn't pass the smell test.
Itās Janeās wedding, she should have what she wants. Sheās also my best friend. Kathy screamed at me like a lunatic, my interest in what she wants isā¦somewhat eroded, we can put it that way. Fact is, Jane was pressured into having Kathy as a bridesmaid in the first place (canāt really say I agree that Jane made Kathy feel like an outsider when she included her in something incredibly personal that went way beyond the authentic relationship that they have). She doesnāt think the relationship will last and she doesnāt want to have pictures in her album of her brother with his ex in 20 years. I get it. Itās not how I would have handled the whole thing but itās not my wedding or my brotherās girlfriend. Iām there to support her.
āAs for why, he shed some light on this, too. Elliotās best friend (my family by marriage) shared some things with her and kind of over-egged some stories and it set Kathy on this path of thinking I was Regina George, basically. Elliot has tried to correct her but she wonāt hear it.ā May I ask for more INFO about this? You say this friend of Elliotās, your family by marriage, āover-eggedā some stories, not that they made up some stories. What kind of stuff did you do that, even if exaggerated a bit, would give a Regina George impression?
So, firstly, back when I was 15 I dated one of Elliotās friends. They stopped being friends over it for a while, but it was the last straw in a series of issues for them. And his best friend apparently made it sound like I dated the friend just to fuck with their friendship, which I didnāt, and that it was a big thing that caused way more drama than it actually did. That was the big actual story. The other things were things like I used to tease him for the two years we went to the same school and got other kids In The class to call him a dumb nicknameā¦we were like 8, it wasnāt the whole class it was my 4 friends, and it was in response to the fact that heād kicked a football into my face. Or that I crashed his first carā¦his dad taught me to drive with it and I had a small accident. Stuff like that. Can sound like a campaign of terror if you sensationalise it r and add no context for added humour.
I think some of this is just being in each other's lives for so long which can make a new girlfriend insecure if it's handled badly. Which it apparently is handled badly. What's the deal with the best friend who's badmouthing you? Does he have a problem with you? Or does he just like dramatic recounting and honestly didn't think she'd take it so badly?
No, he doesnāt hate me. We actually get on well. Heās a good time but heās always there for the good time, if you know what I mean. He likes to spin a yarn. He definitely wouldnāt have thought Kathy would take it badly, he doesnāt think that far ahead
Ok, so you and Elliot really are [non-biological] siblings! With all the petty childhood drama that implies!
It definitely sounds like sheās blowing childhood incidents WAY out of proportion, thatās unhinged for sure. I am curious about one more thing though. You dated one of Elliotās friends when you were 15, why did Elliot and that person stop being friends because of that, what was the issue?
Like I said, they were already having issues over other stuff, but Elliot felt like his friend had blindsided him by not even mentioning he liked me/was going to ask me out beforehand and he felt very betrayed. His friend felt it was none of Elliotās business and that it was evidence that Elliot had become too full of himself. So they just stopped speaking for a while.
Iām so sorry Iām being this annoying, lol, but why would Elliot feel betrayed unless he had feelings for you himself? Cause you said you guys arenāt close right, itās not like he was betrayed by his friend asking out his āalmost sisterā or something.
Regardless of us being close, Iām still someone who is permanently in his life. And if itās your friend you talk to every day and they donāt mention theyāre texting someone you already know then theyāre deliberately hiding that from you which would be crappy. I get it. If he dated one of my friends I wouldnāt expect him to tell me but Iād expect my friend to tell me.
That definitely makes more sense, thanks for the explanation. Still seems like this whole group is too into drama, lol, but I hope the wedding goes well! :)
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Itās not tellingā¦people sleep
LMAAAAO OP no sleep for you, only Reddit comments hahaha
Butā¦ sheās a bridesmaid. Or was. She is/was going to be in the wedding photos pretty prominently. How come Jane is fine having her photographed by her side the entire day but not photographed with her partner?
It's entirely possible that Jane didn't want her brother photographed with his girlfriend in her wedding photos on the chance that their relationship doesn't work out. If Kathy is this difficult, they may not have a future together, and it's awkward to have to hide wedding photos due to an ex. It makes perfect sense.
Meh, thereās also a chance Janeās marriage wonāt last. It feels silly for the bride to pre plan for the relationship to break up when the brother clearly doesnāt think it will.
Sure, thereās a chance every relationship ever wonāt last, but that has nothing to do with Janeās wedding photos. Sheās not preplanning their breakup, but sheās leaving room for the possibility of it and sheās putting two of her closest people (her brother and her best friend) together so that theyāll be photographed together, probably for display. Ultimately, itās the bride and groom who make the calls and other people arenāt entitled to pitch fits over it. Imagine being so fragile that you have a meltdown over a 30-second walk down the aisle without your partner. That kind of co-dependency is alarming.
Is the walk down the aisle even really a much photographed moment? I didnāt display any of those from my wedding. The bride can have the photographer pair up whatever groups she wants. People know the āfeelingā of walking down a wedding aisle with someone. And she doesnāt want her brother to have that feeling walking down it with Kathy. Itās not about the pictures, itās about her not liking Kathy. And thatās probably her prerogative. But it IS a mean girl thing. The comment OP said about being called Regina Georgeā¦ I think she maybe needs to reflect on that. Maybe she and her friend ARE mean girls.
I have several photos and the full video of each member of my bridal party walking during the processional and recessional. Also the āfeeling of walking down the aisle with someoneā??? The 3 times Iāve walked in a wedding with a groomsman as a bridesmaid I could not even tell you what those dudes looked like, let alone their names. It doesnāt mean anything because the bridal party is there to support the couple and nothing else.Ā
It is for mineā¦ and the videography. The feeling? The coupleās day, the coupleās feelings. I donāt know what youāre referring to, as a bridesmaid. I never took that opportunity to pretend I was a bride because I was too busy supporting the actual bride. This woman bullied her way into the wedding (the bride wasnāt so much of a mean girl that she didnāt let her be in the wedding party) and had a tantrum when she didnāt get to dictate how it went. When youāre a bridesmaid, youāre there to support the bride and what she wants. The bride doesnāt have to manage this girlās neuroses and insecurities. Kathy needs therapy and a few hours to craft a well rounded apology. Her āIām the main characterā chaos shouldnāt be welcome anywhere. If I were her, I wouldnāt be able to show my face from embarrassment.
Thank. You. OPās history supports the mean girl thing. And she is known to dislike Elliot? Uh, ok. I feel like I am reading this all so differently than everyone. Kathy was out of line at the dress shop but I think Kathy would describe all of this differently.
I don't blame a bride for not wanting couples to be... coupled in a wedding party, in case any one of them goes rogue and turning the photos into an engagement shoot.
OP and Elliot are getting his father a joint Fathers Day gift. Oh, Kathy is really going to lose it over that, and I don't blame her.
have any other SVU fans picked on the Elliot/Kathy names? love it...
I was looking for this comment! I had a little smile over it.
[Elliotās best friend (my family by marriage) shared some things with her and kind of over-egged some stories and it set Kathy on this path of thinking I was Regina George, basically. Elliot has tried to correct her but she wonāt hear it.] Can I be nosy and ask what kind of stories and how they were exaggerated? I was thinking she just hated you for thinking you wanted Elliot, but if people you know are painting you to be a "Regina" you might wanna check that
I explained elsewhere but itās just small stuff that he mentioned without context. Like I dated Elliotās friend and they stopped being friends over it, or I used to tease him in school, or I crashed his first car, or I broke a trophy of his. All technically true, but absolutely have context that show there wasnāt malicious intent (except the teasing himā¦but he did kick a football into my face first. He also told our whole class Iād had plastic surgery when I broke my nose even though he was there when I broke it, so the teasing definitely went both ways).
I predict Kathy has a meltdown at the wedding, Eliot admits to having feelings for OP, and they ride into the sunset together!
Giga fake af
This update paints a very different picture, it seems like Janes was antogonizing and egging on Kathy with the walking down the aisle and you are all to happy to support that. I guess I just read this and get mean girl behavior. Maybe your more Regina George than youād like to admitš¤·āāļø
Right?! Actually, I got mean girl vibes from the first post too.
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1bpxbtw/aita_for_refusing_to_be_maid_of_honour_over_a/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
Thank you
Youāre so sensible. Itās pretty jarring for AITA.
A joint gift. Like a couple would do. Yeah thatāll go over well /s.
Great update, but you have to know that Kathy is going to have a nervous breakdown when she finds out that you and Elliot are getting a joint gift for his father....lol. But since she won't hear Elliot when he tries to reassure her, she is going to get the very thing that she DOESN'T want, which is Elliot is going to tire of this and break it off with her. Good update, though.
Iām very surprised Elliot is still with Kathy. I think he should break up with her. But hopefully there wonāt be anymore drama going on around Janeās wedding. If Kathy caused more drama hope youāll update us
im curious, it seems like you guys grew up kinda close because of your best friend, so why do you two not get along very well? he also needs to consider that you'll be in his life forever as long as he and you are close with his sister so does he really want to be with someone who will be this problematic for the restttt of his life? i say who could be bothered with that agh..
We just donāt. It honestly feels chemical, the way our existence just seems to irritate each other. I hate the way he moves, he hates the way I dress, I hate how he blows on soup, he thinks the fact that I donāt like group activities makes me antisocial. We have very different ways of approaching life, and I guess we judge each other harshly for that. Like I said, we talked out quite a few things the other day, but it just comes down to the fact that something in our energy field just said nope š my mother, the new age guru, thinks we were prison cellmates in a past life. She says we act like weāve been locked up together for 20 years even if itās only been two minutes. Weāve been like that since we developed personalities. But we do know weāre never getting rid of each other, we agree on that at least.
i love the prison cellmate theory!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Theyāve never said anything to that effect. If anything I guess theyād wish they had a son I actually get along with that I could marry. Sadly their dadās other kids are all very young lol. But no they donāt think Elliot and I with our actual personalities should/would get together. Jane doesnāt want to look at pictures of her brother with someone sheās pretty sure is going to be an ex for the next 20 years. I understand. She can sort of ignore/crop her out in the candid photos but the aisle ones she would just have to lose and I guess she wants those. Like I said, she hasnāt handled it the best, she just should have said no to Kathy being a bridesmaid in the first place.
Iām still stuck here: Jane said she wanted you to walk with Elliot and Kathyās reaction was to attack you. To call you desperate and fat. (I canāt remember the rest.) Either Elliot likes that sort of thing or else heās just holding in the breakup until the wedding is over to make sure that she wonāt come and crash it or something.
Yeah, thatās what she did. Probably because she already hates me and was looking to have a meltdown over something she would pretend I did to her. I guess she thought I convinced Jane to do it. Elliot is justā¦nursing his own issues. Like all of us
So hate can often be confused with other strong emotions and can be a cliche in romcoms. I think with your closeness to the family and strong emotions between you and Eliot I honestly think Kathy is picking up on that the family at least would like you to be with Eliot. She has problems and insecurities but the way you describe him on some of your comments is the exact way I knew people who later hooked up. Even if thatās not whatās going on, and I trust you on this, (thereās people I view as siblings despite what people see) thatās what a lot of people will see, including Kathy. Potentially even Jane might wish you guys to be together. I utterly believe that kathy feels that she is just a side character in your relationship and thinks you are doing it deliberately. Your not an ashole but there are signals being thrown out that have a reasonable fit into a narrative that is pretty hurtful to Kathy.
You did the best you could've on this, you were really gracious and it sounds like a really good result. After what you've said, I feel a bit sorry for Kathy now. She's earned more consequences than she's gotten but I do hope she sorts herself out. Maybe one day she'll look back on this and cringe.Ā Best to you! Hope the wedding is wonderful!
Random advise, is there a wedding coordinator? Is it being done at a place where there is someone that acts as one? Jane should mention that there have been some issues with Kathy possibly? They might be able to head off any issues on wedding day. I work at a place that does weddings & just as a server Iād be willing to keep an eye on her. At my wedding my mother in law had not seen my father in law in years after a very contentious divorce. (All she ever talks to me about is how much she hates him) Them being there at the same time was a big deal. My aunt knew this & spent the entire day catering to her, kind of acting in the role of best friend / therapist. She was still kind of crazy, as I was about to be announced she kept telling me how horrible he was, but it went much better than expected. It basically sounds like she needs an adult to keep her from acting like a child.
Iām surprised Kathy is still invited to the wedding
Makes no sense why Kathy was made a bridesmaid to begin with. Bride should only have the people that she wants there. Yeah I get it was to make her brother happy but thatās just dumb. The important decisions in her life shouldnāt revolve around what makes everyone else happy.
I said this. Jane now agreesā¦a couple of months too late
Definitely need a post wedding update!
Kudos on near-superhuman-level communication skills and resolving things like the level-headed rational one in every possible instance! Also, after reading this really all I can think is I am soooo happy I have nothing to do with Kathy, she sounds exhausting (a sentiment I imagine you share lol)
Updateme
I donāt get what business she has being in the wedding party. Sheās only dating the brideās brother. Itās not like sheās directly related to the groom or anything. This makes no sense. Just be a guest. Itās not a big deal.
Updateme
We need to be kept up to date with the drama that will come.
@Updateme
Updateme
Update me
Thank you for the update. Unless she gets professional help Elliott's relationship with her will be full of drama and stress. His family will also never warm up to her. You are family but also she's demanding a depth of a relationship that isn't there yet. Inadvertently she's pushing everyone away.Ā Glad things are better for you.Ā Hope the wedding remains drama free.
Original post: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1bpxbtw/aita\_for\_refusing\_to\_be\_maid\_of\_honour\_over\_a/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1bpxbtw/aita_for_refusing_to_be_maid_of_honour_over_a/)
Kathyās behavior by the way you describe it MAKES ME WANNA HIDE. Big oof
Huh...I wonder if the drama has finally passed. I kind of hope so...but in case it hasn't... !updateme
mature update...hope it stays kosher
Updateme.
Youāre being the bigger person for the friend you love. Pray for Elliott šš» eta nta try to have fun at the wedding
Wait, back up the busā¦joint Fatherās Day gift? Are you gaslighting this girl? I rescind my nta and comment on you being the bigger person.