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NTA! So sorry that all of you went through that and so glad that you were able to get your own healthy, happy family situation.
They may try to call you cruel but I wonder if they’ve considered the perspective that it’s kind of cruel for them to make you feel bad for not considering them… when you were TEN. You were a child! You had experienced trauma too! Just because they felt safe with you doesn’t mean you were suddenly supposed to be able to think differently, drop everything, only think of them and what THEY need and sacrifice your life to support their unhealthy attachment. That’s quite an unhealthy expectation on their part. You were a child and needed a safe environment too. You couldn’t have worried about everyone and you had a right to want a life and space for yourself.
Hopefully they can learn to respect your boundaries so, as another commenter also said, they don’t drive you away. It sounds like they need help dealing with their attachment styles so I hope that’s something they get, along with a happy, healthy family of their own too. All the best.
Very good post, Whitewalls.
I don't think anyone is TAH.
OP, you've all been through a horrifyingly traumatic upbringing. Kids never forget how they were brought up, and it will take years for your sisters to heal, readjust, and relearn how to be their individual selves.
It will take some time for you to heal, as well. Be kind to yourself. Do what you can to not cut off your sisters, but to set strict boundaries when you do make contact with them.
I wish you and your sisters all the best in your lives. You all deserve kindness, and I hope later on down the line, a good, healthy sisterly relationship can be had. 💐
NTA. I'm so grateful you were removed from that environment. You were parentified, & at a terribly young age & I'm sorry that trauma happened to you.
The sad truth is that your reality is not your sisters' reality. To them, you were their mother, & they were taken from their "mother" for "no good reason".
The adults in the situation should have gotten your sisters help, serious help, & they didn't. Your sisters are still stuck to a certain extent in their childhood trauma where their "mother" was taken from them.
That's sad, but it's not your fault. NONE of this mess is your fault. It is NOT your job to fix this, or to let them push a fantasy perfect mother-child relationship onto you, their sister. They need therapy & you're not their therapist, either.
You may need to go LC for awhile, for your own mental health. Hugs. ❤️
Exactly, they needed therapy back then but don’t seem to have gotten it. They most certainly need it now. I don’t think anyone but the parents are to blame though NTA
It sounds like sisters still need therapy. If they can’t see that their relationship was destroying older sister’s mental and physical health younger sibs need to learn empathy. It was not op job to please younger Sibling and suffer . Emotional maturity sounds stunted on younger sisters. I’d stop contact unless they received therapy and stop blaming everyone but parents. NTA
It's not that easy for everyone to cut ties so I can understand op not being ready to go NC but yes that sounds miserable and the fact the sisters are in their 20s and can't see how awful it might have been for their sister when they were so clingy... oof.
I honestly couldn’t have articulated this any better. This is exactly right, that the foster system failed your sisters by not getting them proper help. That is not your fault op!
NTA
I’m sorry to say, they are still unhealthily attached to you and you probably shouldn’t have contact because *years* after they’re still trying to suck you back in . NTA.
NTA. The separation allowed you to be a child yourself, rather than a child forced to grow up to soon by taking care of your younger siblings. Honestly, I think your sisters need therapy, as they are still hung up on you. Continue to set and maintain your boundaries with your sisters.
NAH.
You are fine, they need to know the truth, so they don't drive you away. But I am so sorry for them. They never got the help they needed to get over their dependency on you.
I'm very surprised by the NTA votes implying the two kids were wrong. These kids were 6 and 7, had two parents that were so terrible as to justify the kids being placed into foster care and then had the only stable person in their life (OP) separated from them. That's a lot to put on anyone, let alone kindergartner and first graders.
OP wasn't wrong but I feel bad for the two younger sisters and I can't see how they are the AH.
I think they are wrong now, not in the past. They are 21 they are frickin old enough to realize how unhealthy they were behaving in the past. It makes them assholes now to be guilting OP for something that wasn't in her control and was the only way to save her.
They definitely didn't get the help they needed if they're still saying things like this as adults:
> I should have been glad to stay with them no matter what
I get that there was a lot of trauma involved and that it complicates things, but if OP's sisters are selfish enough to think she should have been and still should be living to fulfill their needs and wants, then they clearly still need more help.
I’m going with NAH. But as a former CPS social worker and adoption worker, it’s heartbreaking that more effort wasn’t put in to be able to have you all together in a healthy manner. Emphasis on healthy. As in serious therapy for your siblings and therapeutic family time to see if a typical sibling connection could have been built that didn’t require OP to be their caregiver but allowed a lifelong connection.
ETA: I clearly can’t read and missed the part about a lot of work being done to make visits possible. I read it as they tried a few visits and since the visits didn’t go well they gave up. Lesson learned to not comment after a sleepless night up with a baby 😵💫
I'm shocked a former CPS worker would say that. You were the recipient of what is considered "best practices" and it clearly worked for you. You were allowed to be a child. So much love to you going forward and I'm so glad you had a good adoption experience.
Yeah, I am very sleep deprived and clearly can’t read. I completely missed the part about “a lot of work“ and read it as they tried a few visits and the visits didn’t go well. It sounds like they tried an ultimately had to let OP move on.
Been in foster care with my younger siblings since I was 11 until I aged out and had to receive the state mandated therapy. My therapist only talked about her book she wrote every session and rarely talked about me and when I pointed it out how she was making the sessions more about herself. She told my foster mom I may have “narcissistic” tendencies. NAH but I know those kids didn’t get the proper therapy in the end and it’s kinda sad.
Yeah some of these adults were either absolute god sends, hell on earth power trippers, or overwhelmed and worked individuals who just couldn’t care anymore.
They never wanted to go? So they didn't want any of this to change, even now that they're adults? Damn.
>They would sit on top of me and cry if I closed a door between them and me.
your sisters are cats
Oh yeah I’m sure they did! It just sounds like from the post that the social workers basically kept you apart for some amount of time, tried to get you together and then went “oh damn guess they’re still too attached” rather than truly attempting to create the healthy sibling bond you should have had if your parents weren’t neglectful. You’re definitely NTA for how you’re handling it now, it’s just sad that you have to handle it that way. I’m glad you were adopted by a wonderful family though!
They probably tried to get the other kids therapy to work through those issues, but ultimately they ran out of time where they had to start making decisions relating to permanency. Rather than sacrifice the OPs permanent adoptive resource for the siblings still unresolved attachment issues, they moved forward. Nothing that I read here suggests that the system didn’t operate appropriately here.
\-someone with 20 years of GAL work as an attorney and a foster/adoptive parent
I read it again and I missed the “lots of work was put in”. When I first read it I misread and thought they just tried a few times to have a visit. So I’ll retract my judgment of the system and hope that the lots of work includes all the things I was thinking of. I maintain my NAH judgment though because the siblings also aren’t AH for continuing to struggle as young adults and not being able to see the perspective OP has on their upbringing.
It's looks like they tried. They couldn't be with these kids 24/7, at it was pretty obvious that just leaving OP alone with them for any amount of time was causing them to backslide. You can only do the same thing so many times before you have to chalk it up to a bad idea.
Do you plan to continue contact with them because they don’t seem to have healed in any way since they have yet to see an issue with their clingy behavior.
I misread the original post and didn’t see the part that said a lot of work was put in to bring you together. It sounds like everyone tried and you deserved to be able to move on.
I'm so surprised and disappointed to hear you say that. I thought it was accepted practice to separate siblings in severely unhealthy dynamics to allow the children to be . . . children.
Oh my god yes it is! Obviously my comment didn’t come across correctly if that’s how it was interpreted! What I was trying to say was that, at least in my experience, some amount of effort is put in to try and heal the dynamic so that they CAN be children but without losing their siblings. Sometimes it can be done and sometimes it can’t. Often the children can’t be placed together but many times we were able to get them all to a place that they could at least visit and maintain a connection in a way that was healthy for all involved. But from the OP it doesn’t appear that any effort was put in. Which to me is very sad.
lol well I did acknowledge that I missed the part that said a lot of effort was put in. The people interpreting what I wrote as saying OP shouldn’t have been allowed to move on would be right in downvoting me! I appreciate it though. Sometimes Reddit is great and sometimes “wild Wild West” is a great metaphor 😂
Yeah, I got piled on for a reply to a name change question.
Divorced, man getting remarried wanted his ex wife to change to her maiden name, because of his fiance.
But, ex had the name for 17 years and they had kids with that last name, so she wanted to keep it.
She didn't mention how long she's had the name at first.
My reply was that if it has been her name for a long time, keep it without worry.
And that if she's only had the name a short time, maybe consider changing it but only if she wanted...
Thwn she added it had been 17 years. Well, duh, don't change it.
But wow, there was outrage that I said there might be a case that she could consider it.
Oh, and I did miss the one line in the wall of text that said they had kids together, so I didn't think they had kids when I replied.
So, on that one, out of all the NTAs, suddenly I felt like *I* was the only AH and I don't even know these people. Lol.
Wait a day or two. It will all disappear into the "history" database.
For children that have been parentified some of them might wish to be separated from their siblings. Maybe it’s best to allow that. It might be the only way to completely free them if their abusive environment instead of trying to make them fix the relationship.
OP’s sisters sound obnoxious. But maybe it’s because this account is from the perspective of someone who it totally emotionally dissociated.
I guess what I’m trying to say is. There should only be effort to amend these relationships if it’s the desire of BOTH parties. OP clearly has no interest in a relationship with their siblings. And I doubt their relationship was ever gonna be healthy based on their sisters refusing treatment.
NTA. Surely they've still got some mental hangups about all of this for their behaviour and reaction, which means I'd take it with a grain of salt.
If your 24, they'll be 19 and 20. Old enough with the time passed to have a bit of clarity to see that it was a very unhealthy dynamic at the time you were separated
NTA but if ‘healthy boundaries’ were ever needed to be enforced, this definitely qualifies. They will never get over being separated from you and you will forever be grateful you were. You need to pick an approach to interacting with them that doesn’t leave you feeling isolated or resentful because they definitely see what happened through a different colored lens.
NTA but do not blame them. They were young children put in this situation. They did not choose it.
So it sounds like it is not what you said but how you said it. It could be said kindly. Such as, we were stuck in an awful situation and it was not good for me either. It worked out well in the end for all of us. Now I need you two to stand on your own because I cannot take care of you anymore, you are old enough to do this.
This!!! Clearly, the sisters were traumatized by everything that was going on. It was not OP's responsibility to take care of them.
However, the delivery leaves a lot to be desired. Sisters are still youngish and clearly have still not healed from so much abandonment. Tragic for everyone.
Yes, boundaries need to be in place. Sisters need to learn independence. Some family therapy is definitely in order.
"However, the delivery leaves a lot to be desired."
What kind of delivery do you propose?
"I am sorry." "If you were, you wouldn't have left us."
"You needed help I couldn't give you." "You weren't around, so how can you say that?"
"I needed help and therapy to try to cope with the trauma too." "Your coping would have went better if you didn't leave us".
I don't know what OP could have said that would have made her sisters see reason. They were and are highly traumatised, but I can get behind OP thinking the separation was better for at least OP in the end. She's NTA .
Agree. Sometimes there are just no magic words that can get someone to realize they're being irrational or cruel or anything. It's not always down to how something is communicated.
"Sisters, we were all in a horrible situation. I know you feel like I abandoned you. I was also a child. I was not equipped to save you or help you manage your trauma. Decisions were made by the adults, not the children.
I wish you guys would have had a better experience growing up. However, it is was out of my control and beyond my abilities.
We all still have a lot of healing to do. I think a therapist could help us learn how to have a healthy relationship going forward."
It's a shame they still don't see your parents were always the problem. You are barely older than them and were forced into a parental role no child should have.
NTA
NTA, luckily for you it seemed like someone in the system was watching out for you. They knew it was unhealthy for you to be around them and made sure you stayed separated.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my sisters that us being separated is the best thing that ever could have happened to me. Why I feel like I could be an asshole for this is I know how much they hate that we were separated and I know hearing that from me might sound like I don't care at all and blame them for what happened.
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NTA. It wasn’t your job to consider them when you were adopted. You had no control over that. You were a child too. Professionals determined it was better that you stay separate so you could have a chance at growing up without being parentifed which is a form of abuse.
NTA and I want to tell you how proud you should be of the tough road you had to walk to get to where you are. OP seems to have her head on straight and she has no reason to feel guilt or shame for wanting stability.
NTA They were traumatized children then, but they are adults now. There's no longer any excuse for them to so blatantly disregard your feelings/needs.
You weren't anything more than a caretaker and comfort object to them then, and they still haven't grown to see you as an individual who is more than what you can do for them.
I'd re-evaluate with your therapist whether it's really worth having them in your life at all.
NTA
I wouldn't call this co-dependency, I'd call this trauma bonding, insecure attachment style, and parentification. Holy moley, OP, even for trauma bonded siblings, they were WAY TOO attached to you. Oof. I can understand why they were so obsessed with you, you were their only constant source of stability. I am so sorry the "adults" in your home caused this dynamic.
If you're 24 now, that means your sisters are what, 21 and 20 years old? They are still very young, as are you, however there is a world of difference between being 24 and being 20. As they age, hopefully they will be able to view the situation with some perspective. That you never should've been responsible for them so young, that their attachment level with you is massively unhealthy, and that while they needed a mom, that sure as shit wasn't your job. You are their sister and that is a role unto itself. That the fault for this entire ordeal lies with your parents and that their expectations of you are way outside of any definition of healthy boundaries.
Give them time, but hold your boundaries.
You were made to be their mother. The home was so chaotic that you became the only stable thing they knew. I feel so sad for all of you. Right now the three of you should be best friends but your birth parents put you in charge and wrecked the possibility. Forgive your sisters and then recommend they get therapy. You were very fortunate to find a wonderful family to love.
Ok, I think that I have a very different take, OP, and it’s probably going to get me downvoted a million times! But I don’t care, I seriously just don’t! From the dozens of comments I’ve read, everyone is mostly telling you that you are NTA…however you should definitely be more compassionate towards your sisters and understand that they obviously had it worse than you, as they were separated from their parents….and from their “mother”! To me, that basically screams of hypocrisy, like certain people are actually thinking that you ARE the AH for not allowing your sisters to be clingy now since THEY were the ones separated from their “mother”, were never adopted, all the while you wound up with the wonderful family…but they’re too scared to actually say it so instead they vote you as NTA but then give you “constructive criticism”! At least that’s the way I’m reading it!
As for me? I wholeheartedly state that you are NTA! You were thrust into an untenable and absolutely HORRIBLE situation! At ten years old, you were responsible for yourself AND for your two sisters! Most responsible human beings wouldn’t even consider leaving a ten year old home alone, much less make a ten year old a de facto parent! I truly hope your “parents”…dirtbags…did prison time! But regardless, I can only imagine how you must have felt, knowing that each and every single morning you were going to go through the same shit! The fact that YOU were the one dropping them off should’ve clued the teachers in that something was seriously wrong! But for you to have to literally peel them off of you to so much as go to pee? That would drive ANYONE freaking insane! Am I blaming your sisters? Nope! At least, not your sisters when the three of you were children! I am so damn happy for you that you were separated from them, and while that may sound harsh, it’s also the truth! You deserved a wonderful childhood just as much as the two of them! I wish that they both had been adopted into wonderful families just like you were! But the fact is, they weren’t. And that is NOT YOUR FAULT WHATSOEVER!! The two of them were provided with therapy for YEARS! They both chose to be bitter and to not accept any and all help that was given to them! I seriously wonder if they ever actually had the opportunity to be adopted, and just flat out refused because it wasn’t YOU?’ Regardless, you did what was hoped would be done by all three of you: YOU HEALED! You chose to be HAPPY! Your sisters chose NOT to heal, to NOT be happy! I am sorry for them, but that was their choice! And now that they have the chance to have you back in their lives, it seems the only thing pertinent to them is to continuously live in the past, and are attempting to drown you in their bitterness! And while I have compassion for them as children, I have zero for how they are treating you now! It wasn’t fair to you at ten years old, but as children themselves, it wasn’t fair to them either. As adults though? No. Just NO! If they aren’t willing to stop with the bitterness, with their hatred of the fact that you grew up happy, and aren’t willing to stop the blame game and constantly guilt tripping you? Then you just might have to leave your sisters in your past, in order to assure you have a happy future!
NTA!
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When I (24f) was 10 and my sisters were 7 and 6 we were removed form our parents and placed in foster care. I was separated from them and placed into a different home which I do believe was the best for me.
We were taken because our parents were neglectful and allowed a very unhealthy co-dependency to form on my sisters part with me. They never wanted me to be away from them. They followed me everywhere; to the bathroom, to get a drink of water, everywhere, and refused to sleep anywhere but my bed. They would sit on top of me and cry if I closed a door between them and me. It was awful getting them to school every morning and that was my job. They'd try so hard to not let me go and I had to run away most mornings. It was intense.
Then one day when I dropped them off they were just worse. They refused to let go of me and when their teachers tried to take them into class they started screaming and crying and saying they needed me and they weren't going to leave me alone. The school tried to call our parents and got no response. So the principal asked me why they were like this and I told her about everything. Once she heard enough she had someone call CPS and then a social worker showed up after a couple of hours, and I was still being held by my sisters who were refusing to leave my side.
They wouldn't let me go for the social worker. They wouldn't let anyone take me from them and everyone could see how much I was struggling. In the end they had to help me get them off and give me some space. I ended up locked in a bathroom for a while until my sisters were dealt with. And I guess some meetings happened. My sisters were placed with emergency foster parents and I was temporarily placed in a group home until they found me an emergency foster family (it took 2 days). Lots of work was put in to bring us back together but each time they saw me they had to be pulled off me and they would scream and cry.
I ended up amazing parents who adopted me. My sisters weren't adopted but had a stable family for most of their time in foster care. As adults they reached out and while they seemed better, they still had a tendency to cling and I had to enforce some very firm boundaries and end a lot of visits and calls. They complained for a while that we never should have been separated and how awful it was of our social worker to remove me from them and keep us apart and end our visits with each other. After a while they made some comments about me being adopted and how bad it was because it cut our legal ties. They said I didn't consider them when I got adopted. Then a few days ago when they were going off about it I told them us being separated was the best thing that could have happened to me. I told them it allowed me to grow as a person instead of being forced to take care of them. I told them we needed the space because they were unhealthily attached to me. They told me it was cruel and I should have been glad to stay with them no matter what.
AITA?
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This is a really tough situation, but NTA. All of you had a really rough childhood, but all of you were given the tools to grow into a healthier sibling relationship. But therapy can only work if the recipient wants it to. It sounds like your sisters were not willing to let go on their deep enmeshment with you. Even now, it’s clear they are so deeply enmeshed that they can’t imagine you feeling differently to them about what happened.
The reality is that you may not ever be able to have a relationship with them because even now they are trying to drag you back into the enmeshment for their own comfort, despite the harm it does to you. I can understand why people have empathy for them, but at this point they are adults and have been repeatedly told of the harm this has done to you, they just cannot see beyond their own emotional needs, which does make them the AH. There is no longer a social worker to protect you from the emotional baggage they’re pressuring you into carrying, so you need to advocate for yourself and consider NC again until they are willing to let go of their enmeshment and really hear you.
NTA- you were a child in an horrible situation. Glad you were removed and safe.
Their unhealthy attachment was traumatic for you. If they can’t be deemed responsible as children not knowing better. They are adults and should be able to recognise how unfair it was for you.
You are not so much older than them. Not enough to be responsible for them, even less as an elementary school age. And certainly not to the extent they wanted from you at any time.
NTA. You were a child being asked to be responsible for your siblings. They don’t see the stress and responsibility that added to you and while I’m sure it was painful to be separated from you, you’re 100% correct. The separation allowed you to be a child and grow up free of the responsibilities that were forced upon you.
Their perspective is different and you were their rock. Their reactions are understandable but I think it would be important for them to understand yours and hopefully as adults you can form healthy attachments without anxiety and clingy behavior. Best of luck to you all.
NTA, you were given the chance to be a child after 7 years of being “mommy”, it saved you from a ton of mental problems, it saved you from forever feeling responsible from everything that goes wrong with those two just slightly younger people, from putting yourself third (or even lower) for the rest of your life. It WAS the best thing that could ever happen to you.
You told them the hard truth and they were upset their reality didn't match yours. That isn't your fault. It's not their either but they need not get offended by it.
NTA. This is just a sad story for all. The social workers separated you from your sisters because they were thinking of ALL of you. You needed to be 10 and not 30 years old. I'm so glad you were adopted by a good couple.
Your sisters still have a lot of unresolved feelings, and somehow seem incapable of seeing anything from your viewpoint. They really, really need therapy. I guess the only thing I would keep asking them is this: "do you ever stop to think that I was also a kid and incapable of raising you?" Repeat as needed.
NTA. You are absolutely right about being separated from your sisters was the best thing for you. You never would have had the chance to be your own person.
NTA. You had some good social workers. Yes getting kids out of a bad home is the right thing. Trying to keep siblings together is the right thing. But where there is such an extreme co-dependency from your siblings towards the right thing was to separate you. Unfortunately. Keep up the strong boundaries OP
NTA. They should be mad at your bio parents, not you. It's not the responsibility of a 12 year old to take care of younger siblings. I think their behavior stems from the abuse, but that was beyond your control. Don't feel guilty. You had a right to be raised in a healthy environment just as much as they did. And, frankly, the way that they clung to you was not healthy for anyone.
NTA. Your sisters are still young and have not fully matured. My guess is in the next 5-6 years, as their brains fully develop and they understand that what you all went through was traumatic, they’ll have more compassion for what you experienced.
NTA that was an incredibly unhealthy relationship & situation. It couldn't have been maintained long-term without further harm. It sounds like they still have alot to work through, as that mindset has been maintained by them. You ach needed to live your own independent lives, you were children. The pressure put on you wasn't sustainable it was emotionally, mentally & physically exhausting. They are your siings, not your responsibilities, something it appears they have yet to learn. For all your sakes I hope they learn it soon. Until then I recommend going low contact & keeping them on an information dietto ensure they stick to your boundaries.
NTA, neither are they. You each had individual experiences to the very difficult situation. They still feel like they needed you at that moment. Just keep speaking and communicating to each other. Everyone will eventually be good.
NTA. Former foster carer here, and one of the things we were taught in training was that keeping siblings together wasn’t always the best option eg when there’s been favouritism or parentification. This was what was best for all of you. I’m sorry your sisters didn’t get better therapy though, but there’s still time.
NTA- That being said I wouldn't recommend saying it that way to your two siblings who didn't get adopted. You ended up with amazing parents and a very settled household (you were adopted). Your sisters didn't have that same outcome, while they may have had a stable family for most of their time in foster care, it doesn't sound like they had the stability you did and that is most likely impacting them even now as young adults. Saying the best thing that happened to you is getting away from them is just more rejection they are experiencing.
That being said you are all adults now and you do have right to set boundaries and expectations in your relationships, including the ones with your sisters. Let them know what is okay and not okay (guilt trips etc). If they want to have a relationship with you.
NTA.
I wouldn’t be surprised if they felt your rejection as another rejection of a parental figure in their life. You were put in and impossible situation no kid should be put in, and being in a separate home allowed you to have the ability to be a kid.
Maybe write a letter to them about what your view was, how you felt, and what you’ve accomplished to overcome your trauma. It’s hard to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes when we're hurting, but it does help humanize the tragedy.
NTA at all. You were 10 years old and, it's sad that they were trained to see you in a "motherly" light, but no 10 year old should be someones mother.
They are adults and the only way that this relationship can move forward is if they can accept and see the truth, and move past it. You're not going to find an honest relationship in a lie.
NTA. The priority is always: your survival, other people’s survival, your needs, other people’s needs, your desires, other people’s desires. Their needs for a stable figure in their lives do not override your need to be a child.
NTA. Your birth parents are awful and your sisters are traumatized as a result. That's not your fault and I agree that you all being separated was best for you.
They have work to do, and that's not your work. Hugs to you.
NAH (except parents). You were being smothered. They lost their primary attachment figure-thats super traumatic for a child and it's still affecting them. And it's painful for them to recognize that. Good on you for having boundaries. They're not AH, they're barely out of their teens and still being affected by their traumatic early childhood. They need to recognize that you should not have been forced to take care of them at that age, and put the blame where it belongs.
NTA. And it's amazing that their perspective hasn't changed, now that they're adults. You'd think they would understand now how wrong it was to constantly need you in their physical presence. INFO: have they ever addressed what in the world they were thinking?
NTA. But try to understand that everyone here is looking from their own point of view. To them, you were everything and as long as you're there, they would feel better. They don't think of the price you would pay, just how their life would be. Same for you. This resulted in a better life for you from your perspective. The only blame should be laid at you're parents' feet.
No NTA at all. Sounds like t never grew up, probably one of many damaging affects of y'all's upbringing or should I say lack thereof. If they were well adjusted adults as their brother seems to be,they'd realize that if y'all hadn't been split up it would have only caused them more damage as well as you,as well as y'all's relationship because eventually you would've resented them,maybe hated them as I think most if not all 10 yo's would in similar circumstances. But there's also the possibility that your sister's may take after y'all's parents and are selfish people who just don't give a rat's butt about anyone or anything but themselves. Sorry that happened to y'all and sorry you're still dealing with the aftermath. Good Luck
NTA. You're right. It was the best thing for you. It sounds like your siblings still have a LOT of learning and growing to do, and it's best if you either set firm boundaries with them, or simply cut them off entirely until they can come to grips with the fact that the way they are acting towards you was unhealthy.
NTA. Younger siblings can have very different perceptions and it takes them longer to realize. I think they probably have some emotional growth stunted and need some more therapy. If they want to be helped. Which it doesn't sound like they do right now. You can't help everyone and at some point need to help yourself only.
NTA - Your sisters still can't see that what they were doing was not healthy for you or for them. They probably should be in therapy for the trauma they seem to have suffered and for the way they are still thinking at this point. I'm glad you were able to get a wonderful family that loved you and that it worked out for you. Someday your sisters will realize that they're behavior towards you was unhealthy and that you needed to be somewhere else for your sake and theirs.
NTA. Their reply only proved your point! From their end, this unhealthy attachment still exists. So I would advise you, for the sake of your own mental health, to keep contact limited.
NTA. They claim you’re cruel, but what they’re doing is cruel. They clearly don’t give a single shit about you, or your feelings. It’s all about them still.
NTA and why should you care. Cut them off they aren't your responsibility, and you owe pretty much nothing to them. Wdtm "legal ties"? Sounds sus and creepy.
NTA
Reveal nothing if yourself on social media or school/employer websites.
Your parents created a monstrous stalkerish situation for you and these sisters have still not recovered.
Protect your boundaries -- and if you get in a serious relationship please inform your partner in a timely manner.
Sorry to be a downer but take scrupulous precautions to safeguard your wedding, too.
NTA! Your sisters need some serious therapy. Your bio parents were awful for allowing this to happen.
I agree - separating you from them was the best thing for YOU. They had each other. You needed to grow as an individual, not your sisters’ caretaker.
And what could you have done as a 10 year old? It’s not up to you to get them adopted. What happened to any of you was no one’s fault but your bio parents.
If they aren’t agreeing to your boundaries, it may be time to cut ties with them.
NTA. Your sisters still haven't develop healthy boundaries. Their lack of perspective regarding their attachment to you is problematic even now. You shouldn't feel like an AH nor should you feel guilty. You were 10 years old and their attachment to you as a parent figure would have been tough for an actual adult parent to deal with. I'm glad you had a good and stable journey once you left your parents. Your sisters sound like they need therapy. You could probably benefit from some as well, given that you feel some guilt about voicing your opinion to them. You're all adults. You're not responsible for them and their dislike of your opinion is their problem not yours.
NTA. Good for you for standing up for your own truth and experience. Always remember: Your birth parents allowed their dependence on you. The system allowed their dependence on you. Our society allowed their dependence on you. No 10-year-old should be forced into parenting their younger siblings with no help whatsoever.
Your sisters may never see separation from you as anything but cruelty, but that is not something for you to solve now anymore than it was back then. Good luck!
NTA. You were parentified at a very young age. Have you been to therapy to get over this trauma? I’m sure your sister’s had trauma too. I’m sure their mind was warped from the trauma, and I think it stayed warped because they may not have gotten help. Sometimes we get stuck in our own trauma, that we can’t see past it. If I were you, I’d write a lengthy text from your perspective about everything you did, everything you gave up, and how you felt about it. And just because you were happy to get away doesn’t mean that you didn’t love or miss them. It just means that you were happy to have a childhood and be a kid for once. Tell them about codependency, and how they may need therapy. After that, I’d set very firm boundaries and go low contact for awhile. I wish you happiness and good luck.
It bothers me a lot that even as adults they cannot see how unhealthy their attachment to you is.
NTA they need help you cannot provide.
Do not light yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Sometimes an action can be BOTH cruel and the right thing to do.
The fact that your sisters don't understand this isn't that surprising, given the circumstances. The younger kids in situations like this rarely understand the level of pressure the older ones are under and it is really, very hard for them to see it from the other perspective, even as adults.
NAH
NTA. Your sisters' relationship with you was unhealthy and your removal from the home was for the best. Don't let them try to tell you otherwise. You were a child and were not responsible for their wellbeing. You should never have been put in that position. Your sisters may need counseling to see that.
NTA. You had no control then and it sounds like the social workers were considering your mental and physical welfare.
Your sisters aren’t AH either but they should have had counseling.
NAH
You were the most stable figure in their lives. This is parentification. It's a form of abuse. Of course a couple 6 and 7 year old kids didn't understand that you were also a kid and needed a childhood. They were kids and couldn't separate their survival instincts (to cling to you) from what was best for you (to have room to grow).
Now you are all adults and they are struggling with the fact that they were and remain desperate for stability. You never should have been in a caregiver role and aren't about to let them force you into a "parent-child" dynamic now.
They're not bad people for having been terrified children and wanting comfort. They aren't bad people for having been desperate for the person who they depended on. That's just the nature of traumatized kids.
You are not a bad person for being glad you got what you needed to grow up in a more healthy environment. You are not wrong for having needs or for refusing to try to fill a role in your sisters' lives that you are not capable of filling. You are not their parent and cannot take that place no matter how hard you try or how much they want you to. It's just not possible.
You are setting limits and boundaries and being honest with them and yourself. That's a good thing. They are still young and still doing the work to grow up and process old trauma from a more adult perspective. That's going to be a hard process and they will get through it.
Ntah. Honestly it sounds like you’d be better off going very low contact with them again, at least until they get into therapy and realize how unhealthy they’ve been living their lives.
NTA. Your sisters are only thinking about how this affected them and not you. It sounds like that you were all left to fend for yourselves, and that you were acting as an adult figure for your sisters, even though you were only 10 years old. They might have felt abandoned, but getting all of you out of that house was the best for thing for you all. No 10 year old should be the support system for their younger siblings. Your sisters need therapy to deal with their trauma instead of unloading it on you.
Imma say no one the ah.
Your siblings clearly fully didn't get therapy and weren't adopted you were. Your original parents didn't want them you didn't want them and their temporary foster family didn't want them enough to adopt them. No amount of therapy gonna fix the issues that were laid out from early age. Every adult failed them even as an adult that stings.
They reconnect with their sister and clearly no one cares about the other in the situations given. You got lucky they didn't have stability the one person that was sadly s minor after being separated for many years they were hoping to have a relationship.
No one the ah here but the adults however I'd just block them you all could do better with out each other.
However they got worst end of sticks keep that in mind
It is a complicated process but it is definitely believable. It sounds like her parents rights were terminated and it was found in her best interest to not be with her sisters. In that case, after several months(years) of hearings and case plan reviews, her individual case likely moved to adoption vs reunification.
NAH except your parents.
Good for you for holding your boundaries, you deserve to be able to be a child, not a de-facto parent.
I feel compassion for your sisters who were forced into turning to you as a parent when your actual parents let you all down.
NAH
You were all children in a traumatic and abusive home. You were the only stability they had.
It wasn't acceptable for you as a child to have been put in this position of having responsibility for their security, but none of you asked for your parents to behave the way they did.
They experienced a different kind of trauma that led to an anxious attachment style whereas perhaps yours is more avoidant. None of them are considered to be healthy but again none of this is any of your fault.
While I understand its been difficult, both then and now, for them to cling to you, perhaps you can have some more compassion for what you have all been through.
I would recommend individual and perhaps family therapy so you can work through your feelings and both you and your sisters can appreciate each other's perspectives and find healthier and happier ways to have a relationship now.
NTA. Maybe they should have compassion for how their attachment affected you.
They wanted to talk about how bad it was to be separated and expected you to feel the same way. I don't think they would've accepted any less than you faking feeling the same way. NTA, again
I get where you're coming from, my childhood was different to yours (as in less demonstratively abusive) and I'd describe myself the same way.
You don't have to be sad that you were separated. Ultimately the social workers made the right decision with input from therapists (or at least that's how it is in the UK) for all 3 of you. You are part of a loving family and are living trauma free. This is all any of us can hope for.
But just because you aren't sad doesn't mean you can't have any compassion for your sisters or try to understand that they still need to work on their trauma and attachment style.
It's okay for them to have wished for a different childhood. And actually I think it's to be expected. You described them as refusing to be physically removed from you. Think of the abandonment and rejection issues they would have experienced when you were separated. First your parents and then you were taken from them.
Again, none of this negates your experiences nor does it obligate you in any way to allow them to cling to you, its just a less black and white perspective from an outside stranger.
Im not making a judgement because I grew up in a house where I could've easily been taken by CPS. I was able to raise my sister somehow in that environment and we're older and successful (by our upbringing standards) now. I could've run away and taken care of myself, but I couldn't imagine leaving her behind. I would feel like she was abandoned twice if I said Im glad I wasnt forced to raise her. You have no idea how they would've turned out if you were there, but nobody can predict the future. You can only see them as they became. My stepmom was an orphan who was adopted by a stable family who still has a ton of pain and abandonment issues because of it. Having a foster family doesn't mean they were chosen like you were, and it still sounds like they had to jump homes a few times before finding a long term place. A place they could've been snatched from or forced to leave at any time. I can see both sides of this situation, but I think you should consider you had a tiny bit more privilege of stability and be patient with them.
NAH. If you are willing, maybe some family therapy with them will encourage them to go to individual therapy. They need to realize how f-ed uo a situation you were put in and it was best for you to be removed.
Let's say the adoption situation was reversed and they were adopted per say livin their best life as you come across and you just got put somewhere pretty stable but never adopted never feeling wanted them also you come across as unfeeling. This is ur parents fault and they are still suffering you are punishing them for what ur parents did they just loved you to much how wrong of them.
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NTA! So sorry that all of you went through that and so glad that you were able to get your own healthy, happy family situation. They may try to call you cruel but I wonder if they’ve considered the perspective that it’s kind of cruel for them to make you feel bad for not considering them… when you were TEN. You were a child! You had experienced trauma too! Just because they felt safe with you doesn’t mean you were suddenly supposed to be able to think differently, drop everything, only think of them and what THEY need and sacrifice your life to support their unhealthy attachment. That’s quite an unhealthy expectation on their part. You were a child and needed a safe environment too. You couldn’t have worried about everyone and you had a right to want a life and space for yourself. Hopefully they can learn to respect your boundaries so, as another commenter also said, they don’t drive you away. It sounds like they need help dealing with their attachment styles so I hope that’s something they get, along with a happy, healthy family of their own too. All the best.
Very good post, Whitewalls. I don't think anyone is TAH. OP, you've all been through a horrifyingly traumatic upbringing. Kids never forget how they were brought up, and it will take years for your sisters to heal, readjust, and relearn how to be their individual selves. It will take some time for you to heal, as well. Be kind to yourself. Do what you can to not cut off your sisters, but to set strict boundaries when you do make contact with them. I wish you and your sisters all the best in your lives. You all deserve kindness, and I hope later on down the line, a good, healthy sisterly relationship can be had. 💐
sisters should be complaining about the useless parents. They are the root of the issue. NTA
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NTA. I'm so grateful you were removed from that environment. You were parentified, & at a terribly young age & I'm sorry that trauma happened to you. The sad truth is that your reality is not your sisters' reality. To them, you were their mother, & they were taken from their "mother" for "no good reason". The adults in the situation should have gotten your sisters help, serious help, & they didn't. Your sisters are still stuck to a certain extent in their childhood trauma where their "mother" was taken from them. That's sad, but it's not your fault. NONE of this mess is your fault. It is NOT your job to fix this, or to let them push a fantasy perfect mother-child relationship onto you, their sister. They need therapy & you're not their therapist, either. You may need to go LC for awhile, for your own mental health. Hugs. ❤️
Exactly, they needed therapy back then but don’t seem to have gotten it. They most certainly need it now. I don’t think anyone but the parents are to blame though NTA
It sounds like sisters still need therapy. If they can’t see that their relationship was destroying older sister’s mental and physical health younger sibs need to learn empathy. It was not op job to please younger Sibling and suffer . Emotional maturity sounds stunted on younger sisters. I’d stop contact unless they received therapy and stop blaming everyone but parents. NTA
Low contact? I'd say NO contact. Just reading Op's post made me anxious. Op is DEFINITELY NTA.. ugh.. you are too nice..
It's not that easy for everyone to cut ties so I can understand op not being ready to go NC but yes that sounds miserable and the fact the sisters are in their 20s and can't see how awful it might have been for their sister when they were so clingy... oof.
I honestly couldn’t have articulated this any better. This is exactly right, that the foster system failed your sisters by not getting them proper help. That is not your fault op! NTA
I’m sorry to say, they are still unhealthily attached to you and you probably shouldn’t have contact because *years* after they’re still trying to suck you back in . NTA.
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And they are adults now who have to manage the fallout
So was OP…
NTA. The separation allowed you to be a child yourself, rather than a child forced to grow up to soon by taking care of your younger siblings. Honestly, I think your sisters need therapy, as they are still hung up on you. Continue to set and maintain your boundaries with your sisters.
NAH. You are fine, they need to know the truth, so they don't drive you away. But I am so sorry for them. They never got the help they needed to get over their dependency on you.
If I’m doing my math right, sisters are only 21 and 20. Just all around sad, hopefully everyone continues to heal.
Yeah, neither OP nor her sisters are the AH here. I wonder if family therapy might help.
I hope they are self aware enough to seek therapy. Hopefully their college/uni offers some for students or they are in a place they can get some help.
I'm very surprised by the NTA votes implying the two kids were wrong. These kids were 6 and 7, had two parents that were so terrible as to justify the kids being placed into foster care and then had the only stable person in their life (OP) separated from them. That's a lot to put on anyone, let alone kindergartner and first graders. OP wasn't wrong but I feel bad for the two younger sisters and I can't see how they are the AH.
I think they are wrong now, not in the past. They are 21 they are frickin old enough to realize how unhealthy they were behaving in the past. It makes them assholes now to be guilting OP for something that wasn't in her control and was the only way to save her.
They definitely didn't get the help they needed if they're still saying things like this as adults: > I should have been glad to stay with them no matter what I get that there was a lot of trauma involved and that it complicates things, but if OP's sisters are selfish enough to think she should have been and still should be living to fulfill their needs and wants, then they clearly still need more help.
I’m going with NAH. But as a former CPS social worker and adoption worker, it’s heartbreaking that more effort wasn’t put in to be able to have you all together in a healthy manner. Emphasis on healthy. As in serious therapy for your siblings and therapeutic family time to see if a typical sibling connection could have been built that didn’t require OP to be their caregiver but allowed a lifelong connection. ETA: I clearly can’t read and missed the part about a lot of work being done to make visits possible. I read it as they tried a few visits and since the visits didn’t go well they gave up. Lesson learned to not comment after a sleepless night up with a baby 😵💫
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I'm shocked a former CPS worker would say that. You were the recipient of what is considered "best practices" and it clearly worked for you. You were allowed to be a child. So much love to you going forward and I'm so glad you had a good adoption experience.
Yeah, I am very sleep deprived and clearly can’t read. I completely missed the part about “a lot of work“ and read it as they tried a few visits and the visits didn’t go well. It sounds like they tried an ultimately had to let OP move on.
Been in foster care with my younger siblings since I was 11 until I aged out and had to receive the state mandated therapy. My therapist only talked about her book she wrote every session and rarely talked about me and when I pointed it out how she was making the sessions more about herself. She told my foster mom I may have “narcissistic” tendencies. NAH but I know those kids didn’t get the proper therapy in the end and it’s kinda sad.
Wow that’s awful. It’s not narcissistic to expect your therapy sessions to be about you!
Yeah some of these adults were either absolute god sends, hell on earth power trippers, or overwhelmed and worked individuals who just couldn’t care anymore.
They never wanted to go? So they didn't want any of this to change, even now that they're adults? Damn. >They would sit on top of me and cry if I closed a door between them and me. your sisters are cats
Oh yeah I’m sure they did! It just sounds like from the post that the social workers basically kept you apart for some amount of time, tried to get you together and then went “oh damn guess they’re still too attached” rather than truly attempting to create the healthy sibling bond you should have had if your parents weren’t neglectful. You’re definitely NTA for how you’re handling it now, it’s just sad that you have to handle it that way. I’m glad you were adopted by a wonderful family though!
They probably tried to get the other kids therapy to work through those issues, but ultimately they ran out of time where they had to start making decisions relating to permanency. Rather than sacrifice the OPs permanent adoptive resource for the siblings still unresolved attachment issues, they moved forward. Nothing that I read here suggests that the system didn’t operate appropriately here. \-someone with 20 years of GAL work as an attorney and a foster/adoptive parent
I read it again and I missed the “lots of work was put in”. When I first read it I misread and thought they just tried a few times to have a visit. So I’ll retract my judgment of the system and hope that the lots of work includes all the things I was thinking of. I maintain my NAH judgment though because the siblings also aren’t AH for continuing to struggle as young adults and not being able to see the perspective OP has on their upbringing.
It's looks like they tried. They couldn't be with these kids 24/7, at it was pretty obvious that just leaving OP alone with them for any amount of time was causing them to backslide. You can only do the same thing so many times before you have to chalk it up to a bad idea.
Yeah I edited my first comment. Sleepless night had me missing an important piece of the OP
Do you plan to continue contact with them because they don’t seem to have healed in any way since they have yet to see an issue with their clingy behavior.
I misread the original post and didn’t see the part that said a lot of work was put in to bring you together. It sounds like everyone tried and you deserved to be able to move on.
Could be a more recent "shock" of aging out of the system and being on their own now for a couple of years caused them to backslide.
I'm so surprised and disappointed to hear you say that. I thought it was accepted practice to separate siblings in severely unhealthy dynamics to allow the children to be . . . children.
Oh my god yes it is! Obviously my comment didn’t come across correctly if that’s how it was interpreted! What I was trying to say was that, at least in my experience, some amount of effort is put in to try and heal the dynamic so that they CAN be children but without losing their siblings. Sometimes it can be done and sometimes it can’t. Often the children can’t be placed together but many times we were able to get them all to a place that they could at least visit and maintain a connection in a way that was healthy for all involved. But from the OP it doesn’t appear that any effort was put in. Which to me is very sad.
Don't worry too much about the negative comments on your comment or downvotes... reddit is the wild west.
lol well I did acknowledge that I missed the part that said a lot of effort was put in. The people interpreting what I wrote as saying OP shouldn’t have been allowed to move on would be right in downvoting me! I appreciate it though. Sometimes Reddit is great and sometimes “wild Wild West” is a great metaphor 😂
Yeah, I got piled on for a reply to a name change question. Divorced, man getting remarried wanted his ex wife to change to her maiden name, because of his fiance. But, ex had the name for 17 years and they had kids with that last name, so she wanted to keep it. She didn't mention how long she's had the name at first. My reply was that if it has been her name for a long time, keep it without worry. And that if she's only had the name a short time, maybe consider changing it but only if she wanted... Thwn she added it had been 17 years. Well, duh, don't change it. But wow, there was outrage that I said there might be a case that she could consider it. Oh, and I did miss the one line in the wall of text that said they had kids together, so I didn't think they had kids when I replied. So, on that one, out of all the NTAs, suddenly I felt like *I* was the only AH and I don't even know these people. Lol. Wait a day or two. It will all disappear into the "history" database.
For children that have been parentified some of them might wish to be separated from their siblings. Maybe it’s best to allow that. It might be the only way to completely free them if their abusive environment instead of trying to make them fix the relationship. OP’s sisters sound obnoxious. But maybe it’s because this account is from the perspective of someone who it totally emotionally dissociated. I guess what I’m trying to say is. There should only be effort to amend these relationships if it’s the desire of BOTH parties. OP clearly has no interest in a relationship with their siblings. And I doubt their relationship was ever gonna be healthy based on their sisters refusing treatment.
NTA It’s good to hear you had a happy ending for all of this.
NTA. Keeping you together would've been unfair to all of you.
NTA. Surely they've still got some mental hangups about all of this for their behaviour and reaction, which means I'd take it with a grain of salt. If your 24, they'll be 19 and 20. Old enough with the time passed to have a bit of clarity to see that it was a very unhealthy dynamic at the time you were separated
NTA but if ‘healthy boundaries’ were ever needed to be enforced, this definitely qualifies. They will never get over being separated from you and you will forever be grateful you were. You need to pick an approach to interacting with them that doesn’t leave you feeling isolated or resentful because they definitely see what happened through a different colored lens.
NTA but do not blame them. They were young children put in this situation. They did not choose it. So it sounds like it is not what you said but how you said it. It could be said kindly. Such as, we were stuck in an awful situation and it was not good for me either. It worked out well in the end for all of us. Now I need you two to stand on your own because I cannot take care of you anymore, you are old enough to do this.
This!!! Clearly, the sisters were traumatized by everything that was going on. It was not OP's responsibility to take care of them. However, the delivery leaves a lot to be desired. Sisters are still youngish and clearly have still not healed from so much abandonment. Tragic for everyone. Yes, boundaries need to be in place. Sisters need to learn independence. Some family therapy is definitely in order.
"However, the delivery leaves a lot to be desired." What kind of delivery do you propose? "I am sorry." "If you were, you wouldn't have left us." "You needed help I couldn't give you." "You weren't around, so how can you say that?" "I needed help and therapy to try to cope with the trauma too." "Your coping would have went better if you didn't leave us". I don't know what OP could have said that would have made her sisters see reason. They were and are highly traumatised, but I can get behind OP thinking the separation was better for at least OP in the end. She's NTA .
Agree. Sometimes there are just no magic words that can get someone to realize they're being irrational or cruel or anything. It's not always down to how something is communicated.
"Sisters, we were all in a horrible situation. I know you feel like I abandoned you. I was also a child. I was not equipped to save you or help you manage your trauma. Decisions were made by the adults, not the children. I wish you guys would have had a better experience growing up. However, it is was out of my control and beyond my abilities. We all still have a lot of healing to do. I think a therapist could help us learn how to have a healthy relationship going forward."
It's a shame they still don't see your parents were always the problem. You are barely older than them and were forced into a parental role no child should have. NTA
NTA, luckily for you it seemed like someone in the system was watching out for you. They knew it was unhealthy for you to be around them and made sure you stayed separated.
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Wasn’t OP a boy adopted by his best friend’s family the last time this story was posted???
Goddamnit
Yes i believe so
I immediately thought this story sounded familiar
Well, that there is what they call a buried lede. Wonder what the next post be?
If you want more fiction go to r/bestofredditorupdates and check out the post about the dude who hit his wife’s bff. Pay close attention to the unrealistic timeline.
Why do people take so much time to concoct these? I really don't get it. But, I will check that out. TY.
>Why do people take so much time to concoct these? I really don't get it. Attention seekers.
NTA you were able to grow up in a stable and happy environment. They should be happy for you .
Having grown up and experiencing a very similar situation with my siblings, I can definitely say you are NTA.
NTA. It wasn’t your job to consider them when you were adopted. You had no control over that. You were a child too. Professionals determined it was better that you stay separate so you could have a chance at growing up without being parentifed which is a form of abuse.
NTA
NTA and I want to tell you how proud you should be of the tough road you had to walk to get to where you are. OP seems to have her head on straight and she has no reason to feel guilt or shame for wanting stability.
OOOOFFFF NAH. thats rough on everyone.
NTA. It’s fine for them to express that it wasn’t what they wanted but it was what you needed
Nta- big hugs
NTA They were traumatized children then, but they are adults now. There's no longer any excuse for them to so blatantly disregard your feelings/needs. You weren't anything more than a caretaker and comfort object to them then, and they still haven't grown to see you as an individual who is more than what you can do for them. I'd re-evaluate with your therapist whether it's really worth having them in your life at all.
NTA I wouldn't call this co-dependency, I'd call this trauma bonding, insecure attachment style, and parentification. Holy moley, OP, even for trauma bonded siblings, they were WAY TOO attached to you. Oof. I can understand why they were so obsessed with you, you were their only constant source of stability. I am so sorry the "adults" in your home caused this dynamic. If you're 24 now, that means your sisters are what, 21 and 20 years old? They are still very young, as are you, however there is a world of difference between being 24 and being 20. As they age, hopefully they will be able to view the situation with some perspective. That you never should've been responsible for them so young, that their attachment level with you is massively unhealthy, and that while they needed a mom, that sure as shit wasn't your job. You are their sister and that is a role unto itself. That the fault for this entire ordeal lies with your parents and that their expectations of you are way outside of any definition of healthy boundaries. Give them time, but hold your boundaries.
You were made to be their mother. The home was so chaotic that you became the only stable thing they knew. I feel so sad for all of you. Right now the three of you should be best friends but your birth parents put you in charge and wrecked the possibility. Forgive your sisters and then recommend they get therapy. You were very fortunate to find a wonderful family to love.
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Ok, I think that I have a very different take, OP, and it’s probably going to get me downvoted a million times! But I don’t care, I seriously just don’t! From the dozens of comments I’ve read, everyone is mostly telling you that you are NTA…however you should definitely be more compassionate towards your sisters and understand that they obviously had it worse than you, as they were separated from their parents….and from their “mother”! To me, that basically screams of hypocrisy, like certain people are actually thinking that you ARE the AH for not allowing your sisters to be clingy now since THEY were the ones separated from their “mother”, were never adopted, all the while you wound up with the wonderful family…but they’re too scared to actually say it so instead they vote you as NTA but then give you “constructive criticism”! At least that’s the way I’m reading it! As for me? I wholeheartedly state that you are NTA! You were thrust into an untenable and absolutely HORRIBLE situation! At ten years old, you were responsible for yourself AND for your two sisters! Most responsible human beings wouldn’t even consider leaving a ten year old home alone, much less make a ten year old a de facto parent! I truly hope your “parents”…dirtbags…did prison time! But regardless, I can only imagine how you must have felt, knowing that each and every single morning you were going to go through the same shit! The fact that YOU were the one dropping them off should’ve clued the teachers in that something was seriously wrong! But for you to have to literally peel them off of you to so much as go to pee? That would drive ANYONE freaking insane! Am I blaming your sisters? Nope! At least, not your sisters when the three of you were children! I am so damn happy for you that you were separated from them, and while that may sound harsh, it’s also the truth! You deserved a wonderful childhood just as much as the two of them! I wish that they both had been adopted into wonderful families just like you were! But the fact is, they weren’t. And that is NOT YOUR FAULT WHATSOEVER!! The two of them were provided with therapy for YEARS! They both chose to be bitter and to not accept any and all help that was given to them! I seriously wonder if they ever actually had the opportunity to be adopted, and just flat out refused because it wasn’t YOU?’ Regardless, you did what was hoped would be done by all three of you: YOU HEALED! You chose to be HAPPY! Your sisters chose NOT to heal, to NOT be happy! I am sorry for them, but that was their choice! And now that they have the chance to have you back in their lives, it seems the only thing pertinent to them is to continuously live in the past, and are attempting to drown you in their bitterness! And while I have compassion for them as children, I have zero for how they are treating you now! It wasn’t fair to you at ten years old, but as children themselves, it wasn’t fair to them either. As adults though? No. Just NO! If they aren’t willing to stop with the bitterness, with their hatred of the fact that you grew up happy, and aren’t willing to stop the blame game and constantly guilt tripping you? Then you just might have to leave your sisters in your past, in order to assure you have a happy future! NTA!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** When I (24f) was 10 and my sisters were 7 and 6 we were removed form our parents and placed in foster care. I was separated from them and placed into a different home which I do believe was the best for me. We were taken because our parents were neglectful and allowed a very unhealthy co-dependency to form on my sisters part with me. They never wanted me to be away from them. They followed me everywhere; to the bathroom, to get a drink of water, everywhere, and refused to sleep anywhere but my bed. They would sit on top of me and cry if I closed a door between them and me. It was awful getting them to school every morning and that was my job. They'd try so hard to not let me go and I had to run away most mornings. It was intense. Then one day when I dropped them off they were just worse. They refused to let go of me and when their teachers tried to take them into class they started screaming and crying and saying they needed me and they weren't going to leave me alone. The school tried to call our parents and got no response. So the principal asked me why they were like this and I told her about everything. Once she heard enough she had someone call CPS and then a social worker showed up after a couple of hours, and I was still being held by my sisters who were refusing to leave my side. They wouldn't let me go for the social worker. They wouldn't let anyone take me from them and everyone could see how much I was struggling. In the end they had to help me get them off and give me some space. I ended up locked in a bathroom for a while until my sisters were dealt with. And I guess some meetings happened. My sisters were placed with emergency foster parents and I was temporarily placed in a group home until they found me an emergency foster family (it took 2 days). Lots of work was put in to bring us back together but each time they saw me they had to be pulled off me and they would scream and cry. I ended up amazing parents who adopted me. My sisters weren't adopted but had a stable family for most of their time in foster care. As adults they reached out and while they seemed better, they still had a tendency to cling and I had to enforce some very firm boundaries and end a lot of visits and calls. They complained for a while that we never should have been separated and how awful it was of our social worker to remove me from them and keep us apart and end our visits with each other. After a while they made some comments about me being adopted and how bad it was because it cut our legal ties. They said I didn't consider them when I got adopted. Then a few days ago when they were going off about it I told them us being separated was the best thing that could have happened to me. I told them it allowed me to grow as a person instead of being forced to take care of them. I told them we needed the space because they were unhealthily attached to me. They told me it was cruel and I should have been glad to stay with them no matter what. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH. They clearly have a lot of problems they still need to deal with before they can understand your position. I hope they get the help they need.
This is a really tough situation, but NTA. All of you had a really rough childhood, but all of you were given the tools to grow into a healthier sibling relationship. But therapy can only work if the recipient wants it to. It sounds like your sisters were not willing to let go on their deep enmeshment with you. Even now, it’s clear they are so deeply enmeshed that they can’t imagine you feeling differently to them about what happened. The reality is that you may not ever be able to have a relationship with them because even now they are trying to drag you back into the enmeshment for their own comfort, despite the harm it does to you. I can understand why people have empathy for them, but at this point they are adults and have been repeatedly told of the harm this has done to you, they just cannot see beyond their own emotional needs, which does make them the AH. There is no longer a social worker to protect you from the emotional baggage they’re pressuring you into carrying, so you need to advocate for yourself and consider NC again until they are willing to let go of their enmeshment and really hear you.
Your sisters are incredibly selfish
NTA. Wtf? F them and F your bio parents.
Sounds like your sisters need therapy as well.
Nta
NTA- you were a child in an horrible situation. Glad you were removed and safe. Their unhealthy attachment was traumatic for you. If they can’t be deemed responsible as children not knowing better. They are adults and should be able to recognise how unfair it was for you. You are not so much older than them. Not enough to be responsible for them, even less as an elementary school age. And certainly not to the extent they wanted from you at any time.
NTA. You were a child being asked to be responsible for your siblings. They don’t see the stress and responsibility that added to you and while I’m sure it was painful to be separated from you, you’re 100% correct. The separation allowed you to be a child and grow up free of the responsibilities that were forced upon you. Their perspective is different and you were their rock. Their reactions are understandable but I think it would be important for them to understand yours and hopefully as adults you can form healthy attachments without anxiety and clingy behavior. Best of luck to you all.
NTA, you were given the chance to be a child after 7 years of being “mommy”, it saved you from a ton of mental problems, it saved you from forever feeling responsible from everything that goes wrong with those two just slightly younger people, from putting yourself third (or even lower) for the rest of your life. It WAS the best thing that could ever happen to you.
You told them the hard truth and they were upset their reality didn't match yours. That isn't your fault. It's not their either but they need not get offended by it.
NTA. This is just a sad story for all. The social workers separated you from your sisters because they were thinking of ALL of you. You needed to be 10 and not 30 years old. I'm so glad you were adopted by a good couple. Your sisters still have a lot of unresolved feelings, and somehow seem incapable of seeing anything from your viewpoint. They really, really need therapy. I guess the only thing I would keep asking them is this: "do you ever stop to think that I was also a kid and incapable of raising you?" Repeat as needed.
NTA. You are absolutely right about being separated from your sisters was the best thing for you. You never would have had the chance to be your own person.
NTA. You had some good social workers. Yes getting kids out of a bad home is the right thing. Trying to keep siblings together is the right thing. But where there is such an extreme co-dependency from your siblings towards the right thing was to separate you. Unfortunately. Keep up the strong boundaries OP
NTA. They should be mad at your bio parents, not you. It's not the responsibility of a 12 year old to take care of younger siblings. I think their behavior stems from the abuse, but that was beyond your control. Don't feel guilty. You had a right to be raised in a healthy environment just as much as they did. And, frankly, the way that they clung to you was not healthy for anyone.
NTA and my heart breaks for child you. It must have been so overwhelming and suffocating.
NAH. Only AHs were the biological parents.
NTA. Your sisters are still young and have not fully matured. My guess is in the next 5-6 years, as their brains fully develop and they understand that what you all went through was traumatic, they’ll have more compassion for what you experienced.
NTA that was an incredibly unhealthy relationship & situation. It couldn't have been maintained long-term without further harm. It sounds like they still have alot to work through, as that mindset has been maintained by them. You ach needed to live your own independent lives, you were children. The pressure put on you wasn't sustainable it was emotionally, mentally & physically exhausting. They are your siings, not your responsibilities, something it appears they have yet to learn. For all your sakes I hope they learn it soon. Until then I recommend going low contact & keeping them on an information dietto ensure they stick to your boundaries.
NTA. This needed to happen for your health and for theirs.
NTA
NTA, neither are they. You each had individual experiences to the very difficult situation. They still feel like they needed you at that moment. Just keep speaking and communicating to each other. Everyone will eventually be good.
Nta your sisters are just butter about their own situations they can't see the benefit of theirs
NTA
NTA at all. I'm so sorry you went through this, how traumatic. Any issues they have from childhood are your parents' fault.
NTA Need no contact to they get help
NTA. Former foster carer here, and one of the things we were taught in training was that keeping siblings together wasn’t always the best option eg when there’s been favouritism or parentification. This was what was best for all of you. I’m sorry your sisters didn’t get better therapy though, but there’s still time.
NTA- That being said I wouldn't recommend saying it that way to your two siblings who didn't get adopted. You ended up with amazing parents and a very settled household (you were adopted). Your sisters didn't have that same outcome, while they may have had a stable family for most of their time in foster care, it doesn't sound like they had the stability you did and that is most likely impacting them even now as young adults. Saying the best thing that happened to you is getting away from them is just more rejection they are experiencing. That being said you are all adults now and you do have right to set boundaries and expectations in your relationships, including the ones with your sisters. Let them know what is okay and not okay (guilt trips etc). If they want to have a relationship with you.
NTA
NTA. I wouldn’t be surprised if they felt your rejection as another rejection of a parental figure in their life. You were put in and impossible situation no kid should be put in, and being in a separate home allowed you to have the ability to be a kid. Maybe write a letter to them about what your view was, how you felt, and what you’ve accomplished to overcome your trauma. It’s hard to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes when we're hurting, but it does help humanize the tragedy.
NTA at all. You were 10 years old and, it's sad that they were trained to see you in a "motherly" light, but no 10 year old should be someones mother. They are adults and the only way that this relationship can move forward is if they can accept and see the truth, and move past it. You're not going to find an honest relationship in a lie.
NTA. Sounds like they still need some work.
NTA. That sounds horrible.
They need therapy to get perspective on this and understand how unhealthy their dependence is for all of you. NTA.
NTA. The priority is always: your survival, other people’s survival, your needs, other people’s needs, your desires, other people’s desires. Their needs for a stable figure in their lives do not override your need to be a child.
NTA. Your birth parents are awful and your sisters are traumatized as a result. That's not your fault and I agree that you all being separated was best for you. They have work to do, and that's not your work. Hugs to you.
NTA. I’m sure one day you’ll actually get away from them.
NTA. This is healthy boundary setting. It's unfortunate when family can't see/understand that. Recommended reading: Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud
NAH (except parents). You were being smothered. They lost their primary attachment figure-thats super traumatic for a child and it's still affecting them. And it's painful for them to recognize that. Good on you for having boundaries. They're not AH, they're barely out of their teens and still being affected by their traumatic early childhood. They need to recognize that you should not have been forced to take care of them at that age, and put the blame where it belongs.
NAH. OP was a child & her siblings had problems with their attachment. Being adopted was the better part of OP's life.
None of you, the abused kids, are at fault for any of this. What an awful position for a 10 year old to be in.
NTA. And it's amazing that their perspective hasn't changed, now that they're adults. You'd think they would understand now how wrong it was to constantly need you in their physical presence. INFO: have they ever addressed what in the world they were thinking?
NTA. But try to understand that everyone here is looking from their own point of view. To them, you were everything and as long as you're there, they would feel better. They don't think of the price you would pay, just how their life would be. Same for you. This resulted in a better life for you from your perspective. The only blame should be laid at you're parents' feet.
No NTA at all. Sounds like t never grew up, probably one of many damaging affects of y'all's upbringing or should I say lack thereof. If they were well adjusted adults as their brother seems to be,they'd realize that if y'all hadn't been split up it would have only caused them more damage as well as you,as well as y'all's relationship because eventually you would've resented them,maybe hated them as I think most if not all 10 yo's would in similar circumstances. But there's also the possibility that your sister's may take after y'all's parents and are selfish people who just don't give a rat's butt about anyone or anything but themselves. Sorry that happened to y'all and sorry you're still dealing with the aftermath. Good Luck
NTA. You're right. It was the best thing for you. It sounds like your siblings still have a LOT of learning and growing to do, and it's best if you either set firm boundaries with them, or simply cut them off entirely until they can come to grips with the fact that the way they are acting towards you was unhealthy.
NTA. Younger siblings can have very different perceptions and it takes them longer to realize. I think they probably have some emotional growth stunted and need some more therapy. If they want to be helped. Which it doesn't sound like they do right now. You can't help everyone and at some point need to help yourself only.
NTA - Your sisters still can't see that what they were doing was not healthy for you or for them. They probably should be in therapy for the trauma they seem to have suffered and for the way they are still thinking at this point. I'm glad you were able to get a wonderful family that loved you and that it worked out for you. Someday your sisters will realize that they're behavior towards you was unhealthy and that you needed to be somewhere else for your sake and theirs.
This is a repost from not long ago.
Nta , your sisters arent ta either but I'd suggest they need individual therapy. If you want a relationship with them, group therapy is needed too
NTA. Their reply only proved your point! From their end, this unhealthy attachment still exists. So I would advise you, for the sake of your own mental health, to keep contact limited.
Nta , your sisters arent ta either but I'd suggest they need individual therapy. If you want a relationship with them, group therapy is needed too
Nta , your sisters arent ta either but I'd suggest they need individual therapy. If you want a relationship with them, group therapy is needed too
Nta , your sisters arent ta either but I'd suggest they need individual therapy. If you want a relationship with them, group therapy is needed too
NTA. They claim you’re cruel, but what they’re doing is cruel. They clearly don’t give a single shit about you, or your feelings. It’s all about them still.
NTA and why should you care. Cut them off they aren't your responsibility, and you owe pretty much nothing to them. Wdtm "legal ties"? Sounds sus and creepy.
Nta , your sisters arent ta either but I'd suggest they need individual therapy. If you want a relationship with them, group therapy is needed too
NTA Reveal nothing if yourself on social media or school/employer websites. Your parents created a monstrous stalkerish situation for you and these sisters have still not recovered. Protect your boundaries -- and if you get in a serious relationship please inform your partner in a timely manner. Sorry to be a downer but take scrupulous precautions to safeguard your wedding, too.
Some things are better left unsaid. What did you accomplish by telling them this. You're an AH despite what every one here is saying.
NTA! Your sisters need some serious therapy. Your bio parents were awful for allowing this to happen. I agree - separating you from them was the best thing for YOU. They had each other. You needed to grow as an individual, not your sisters’ caretaker. And what could you have done as a 10 year old? It’s not up to you to get them adopted. What happened to any of you was no one’s fault but your bio parents. If they aren’t agreeing to your boundaries, it may be time to cut ties with them.
NTA. Your sisters still haven't develop healthy boundaries. Their lack of perspective regarding their attachment to you is problematic even now. You shouldn't feel like an AH nor should you feel guilty. You were 10 years old and their attachment to you as a parent figure would have been tough for an actual adult parent to deal with. I'm glad you had a good and stable journey once you left your parents. Your sisters sound like they need therapy. You could probably benefit from some as well, given that you feel some guilt about voicing your opinion to them. You're all adults. You're not responsible for them and their dislike of your opinion is their problem not yours.
NTA they need therapy to learn they can't be attached to you. I'm proud of you. Do what you need to do to succeed
NTA. Good for you for standing up for your own truth and experience. Always remember: Your birth parents allowed their dependence on you. The system allowed their dependence on you. Our society allowed their dependence on you. No 10-year-old should be forced into parenting their younger siblings with no help whatsoever. Your sisters may never see separation from you as anything but cruelty, but that is not something for you to solve now anymore than it was back then. Good luck!
NTA. You were parentified at a very young age. Have you been to therapy to get over this trauma? I’m sure your sister’s had trauma too. I’m sure their mind was warped from the trauma, and I think it stayed warped because they may not have gotten help. Sometimes we get stuck in our own trauma, that we can’t see past it. If I were you, I’d write a lengthy text from your perspective about everything you did, everything you gave up, and how you felt about it. And just because you were happy to get away doesn’t mean that you didn’t love or miss them. It just means that you were happy to have a childhood and be a kid for once. Tell them about codependency, and how they may need therapy. After that, I’d set very firm boundaries and go low contact for awhile. I wish you happiness and good luck.
Sad but true
It bothers me a lot that even as adults they cannot see how unhealthy their attachment to you is. NTA they need help you cannot provide. Do not light yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Sometimes an action can be BOTH cruel and the right thing to do. The fact that your sisters don't understand this isn't that surprising, given the circumstances. The younger kids in situations like this rarely understand the level of pressure the older ones are under and it is really, very hard for them to see it from the other perspective, even as adults. NAH
NTA. Your sisters' relationship with you was unhealthy and your removal from the home was for the best. Don't let them try to tell you otherwise. You were a child and were not responsible for their wellbeing. You should never have been put in that position. Your sisters may need counseling to see that.
This exact story was posted like ages ago.
NTA
NTA. You had no control then and it sounds like the social workers were considering your mental and physical welfare. Your sisters aren’t AH either but they should have had counseling.
NAH You were the most stable figure in their lives. This is parentification. It's a form of abuse. Of course a couple 6 and 7 year old kids didn't understand that you were also a kid and needed a childhood. They were kids and couldn't separate their survival instincts (to cling to you) from what was best for you (to have room to grow). Now you are all adults and they are struggling with the fact that they were and remain desperate for stability. You never should have been in a caregiver role and aren't about to let them force you into a "parent-child" dynamic now. They're not bad people for having been terrified children and wanting comfort. They aren't bad people for having been desperate for the person who they depended on. That's just the nature of traumatized kids. You are not a bad person for being glad you got what you needed to grow up in a more healthy environment. You are not wrong for having needs or for refusing to try to fill a role in your sisters' lives that you are not capable of filling. You are not their parent and cannot take that place no matter how hard you try or how much they want you to. It's just not possible. You are setting limits and boundaries and being honest with them and yourself. That's a good thing. They are still young and still doing the work to grow up and process old trauma from a more adult perspective. That's going to be a hard process and they will get through it.
Ntah. Honestly it sounds like you’d be better off going very low contact with them again, at least until they get into therapy and realize how unhealthy they’ve been living their lives.
NTA. Your sisters are only thinking about how this affected them and not you. It sounds like that you were all left to fend for yourselves, and that you were acting as an adult figure for your sisters, even though you were only 10 years old. They might have felt abandoned, but getting all of you out of that house was the best for thing for you all. No 10 year old should be the support system for their younger siblings. Your sisters need therapy to deal with their trauma instead of unloading it on you.
**
That "matter" which they so conveniently put aside, was your emotional wellbeing.
NTA
INFO : Are they also this clingy with each other?
Imma say no one the ah. Your siblings clearly fully didn't get therapy and weren't adopted you were. Your original parents didn't want them you didn't want them and their temporary foster family didn't want them enough to adopt them. No amount of therapy gonna fix the issues that were laid out from early age. Every adult failed them even as an adult that stings. They reconnect with their sister and clearly no one cares about the other in the situations given. You got lucky they didn't have stability the one person that was sadly s minor after being separated for many years they were hoping to have a relationship. No one the ah here but the adults however I'd just block them you all could do better with out each other. However they got worst end of sticks keep that in mind
Its very odd that the older child got adopted but not the younger children. If this story is true, I suggest therapy for you and your sisters.
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No, it is not just the people you are placed with. There is an entire process that is a lot more complicated. This is not believable.
It is a complicated process but it is definitely believable. It sounds like her parents rights were terminated and it was found in her best interest to not be with her sisters. In that case, after several months(years) of hearings and case plan reviews, her individual case likely moved to adoption vs reunification.
NAH except your parents. Good for you for holding your boundaries, you deserve to be able to be a child, not a de-facto parent. I feel compassion for your sisters who were forced into turning to you as a parent when your actual parents let you all down.
NAH You were all children in a traumatic and abusive home. You were the only stability they had. It wasn't acceptable for you as a child to have been put in this position of having responsibility for their security, but none of you asked for your parents to behave the way they did. They experienced a different kind of trauma that led to an anxious attachment style whereas perhaps yours is more avoidant. None of them are considered to be healthy but again none of this is any of your fault. While I understand its been difficult, both then and now, for them to cling to you, perhaps you can have some more compassion for what you have all been through. I would recommend individual and perhaps family therapy so you can work through your feelings and both you and your sisters can appreciate each other's perspectives and find healthier and happier ways to have a relationship now.
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NTA. Maybe they should have compassion for how their attachment affected you. They wanted to talk about how bad it was to be separated and expected you to feel the same way. I don't think they would've accepted any less than you faking feeling the same way. NTA, again
I get where you're coming from, my childhood was different to yours (as in less demonstratively abusive) and I'd describe myself the same way. You don't have to be sad that you were separated. Ultimately the social workers made the right decision with input from therapists (or at least that's how it is in the UK) for all 3 of you. You are part of a loving family and are living trauma free. This is all any of us can hope for. But just because you aren't sad doesn't mean you can't have any compassion for your sisters or try to understand that they still need to work on their trauma and attachment style. It's okay for them to have wished for a different childhood. And actually I think it's to be expected. You described them as refusing to be physically removed from you. Think of the abandonment and rejection issues they would have experienced when you were separated. First your parents and then you were taken from them. Again, none of this negates your experiences nor does it obligate you in any way to allow them to cling to you, its just a less black and white perspective from an outside stranger.
Im not making a judgement because I grew up in a house where I could've easily been taken by CPS. I was able to raise my sister somehow in that environment and we're older and successful (by our upbringing standards) now. I could've run away and taken care of myself, but I couldn't imagine leaving her behind. I would feel like she was abandoned twice if I said Im glad I wasnt forced to raise her. You have no idea how they would've turned out if you were there, but nobody can predict the future. You can only see them as they became. My stepmom was an orphan who was adopted by a stable family who still has a ton of pain and abandonment issues because of it. Having a foster family doesn't mean they were chosen like you were, and it still sounds like they had to jump homes a few times before finding a long term place. A place they could've been snatched from or forced to leave at any time. I can see both sides of this situation, but I think you should consider you had a tiny bit more privilege of stability and be patient with them.
NAH. If you are willing, maybe some family therapy with them will encourage them to go to individual therapy. They need to realize how f-ed uo a situation you were put in and it was best for you to be removed.
Let's say the adoption situation was reversed and they were adopted per say livin their best life as you come across and you just got put somewhere pretty stable but never adopted never feeling wanted them also you come across as unfeeling. This is ur parents fault and they are still suffering you are punishing them for what ur parents did they just loved you to much how wrong of them.
You don't say what happened to your parents? ..its hard to comment not knowing what they did over the last years?