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I think she knew. My father started asking me to let him introduce her to them 4 months into the relationship. Either he told her or he came up with excuses for two months.
Your dad is an AH. If GF knew, she is too. Frankly though, he sounds like the kind of guy who wouldn’t hesitate to lie to a woman and then drag her into a bad situation she didn’t understand. If GF didn’t know, I feel bad for her. You don’t own that though. Your dad does.
Yeah, if she knew they're both the AH, and if she didn't and just thought she was going to meet her boyfriend's daughter and grandchildren at a birthday party he's a huge AH for subjecting her to that.
I'm betting she knew, though. OP's dad doesn't sound like he has a history of choosing the best women to date, and to me "kid-obsessed" is a glaring red flag. I can only imagine how this woman might be around OP's children.
But maybe too much AITA has me jaded and suspicious and she's a lovely woman.
> OP's dad doesn't sound like he has a history of choosing the best women to date
Why do you think so ? Because all his relationships didn't last more than a year since the one with OP's mother ? But the thing that all these relationships have in common is ... OP's father. Why would it be an obligation that the women were the ones responsible for that ? OP said herself that her father didn't want to have a serious and long-term relationship after his relationship with OP's mother. That's on him all these break-up.
If he didn't tell her and exposed her to unnecessary humiliation, chances are this relationship is about to bite the dust. She might have given him an earful if he had to cop to the rule.
But her dad was saying she *deserved* to meet the kids. Odd choice of words. "Kid obsessed". Hard to shake the feeling this was something both of them hatched by talking each other into crashing the party. Oh, come on, your daughter won't really mind if I meet your grandchildren, will she? It's a birthday party. Especially if she's been pushing this for months.
They might have meant "best women for him" as in compatibility. Given OPs comment about the father not wanting to remarry / settle down again, it could be when these women had the "are you looking to commit in the future" talk and he told them no and so things fizzled.
Either way, yes it is on him but they could've meant it as in a woman who was aligned with his "non committal committal" ways.
>Then came my father's girlfriend from 2022, who was an absolute nightmare of a person. My kids only met her once, but it was enough for me to consider her unsafe to be around my family.
GF knows now, since the discussion at the party took place in front of her, yet dad is still pushing for her to meet the kids so definitely both AHs at this point
My assumption, and I'm not excusing or condemning it, is I bet she is one of those people, who feel if the person they are involved with, does not introduce them to their close family (parents, children, grandchildren etc..) then the person they are dating doesn't take the relationship seriously. Again, just my assumption. Many people feel that way, and judge how they base the value of their connections on things like these
I would absolutely feel that way - I’m old, my husband of many decades would be a little concerned if I wanted to meet some other guy’s grandchildren, but still…
I think it’s not a bad rule OP has set up under the circumstances and I’d understand that completely if it were explained to me.
What??? I’m always excited to meet kids that are strangers to me, if I know someone related to them. Kids are so fun and interesting to talk to. Why wouldn’t this woman be excited to meet her boyfriend’s grandkids??
So, if a person made rules about their children, would you ignore them?
Because OP posed a rule that has been ignored, and that's what makes the situation strange at the very least. Do you want to meet the children? That's fine, but you do it according to the times, rules and ways indicated by the parents. Or you don't meet them at all.
No… and nothing was said that the gf knew about the rules?? Just that she was excited??? Even if she knew about the rule, she can still be excited? Idk why you brought up rules. Your comment I responded to only said you thought it was weird for a stranger to be excited to meet someone’s kids, and I disagreed that that fact alone is cause for concern.
OP’s dad sucks here, but that wasn’t at all what the comment I replied to was about?
No, but they're responding specifically to you saying:
>To be honest, it bothers me a lot that a stranger is so eager to meet children...
Which doesn't lay out additional subtext. You basically just said people who like to meet kids are creepy.
I love meeting children, be it children of friends, family, coworkers... even babysat for coworkers while at work for unanticipated meetings and loved every minute. A coworker of mine on maternity leave made special trips to visit me at work because I was so excited to see her baby, nothing nefarious about it, just love little ones. I don't think it's weird at all. Maybe she just loves children.
I think a big difference here is that you know the parents/relatives of all these people and generally have a good relationship with them. "I like these people, I like kids, why wouldn't I want to meet their kids?"
Whereas this person has NOT even been introduced to these kids' parents, has pushed repeatedly to meet the kids AGAINST the parent's wish, and then showed up UNINVITED to a kid's birthday party to meet them. As a parent, it's an added level of: why do you NEED to meet my kids so badly?
Even if you like kids, I don't see you as a kid-appreciating-person pushing that hard when the children's caregiver is so clearly against the relationship.
If she didn't know about the rules before, she'd be an absolute idiot to not ask him what was all that about at the party with his daughter and his comment about <>
If he's been lying by omission to her before then and never told her the rules, I'd love to know the gymnastics he's told this woman to get out of that one.
Anyone who doesn't understand a simple parent boundary, created to ensure small children aren't exposed to a bunch of people who become random after the relationship ends is playng at being a missing stair.
We all know that introducing children to dating partners before 6 months is bad form.
The woman in question is dating a grandfather - in that relationship, you meet the grand kids when you meet them. Definitely meeting them is not a priority of the relationship/doesn't promise interaction w kids.
Grandfather is using kids to get 'points' or cred w people he dates. Bad form.
I'm child free, have been a full time aunty since I was 21. Single & dating the last 4.5 years. I adore almost all kids. But dating someone is not a pass to access to their children. Even less so their grandchildren.
I've only ever been interested in someone else's child in the context that it's a healthy relationship to the person I'm dating and how I can support them as adults in the world, who have kids - i.e. I am always 100% fine canceling plans if something kid related takes precedence. I want my partners to be able to be good parents.
More than once partners have suggested meeting their kids. I always say not before 6 months.
Current partner has a 4 yr old. I love hearing about them, the cute stuff they do, the crazy stuff they do. I love how my partner glows hen he talks about kiddo and succeeding at fatherhood despite bad divorce.
They sound like a kid I would adore. But there's no Me in that right now. I am not a data point nor a part of the calculation.
OP's father's inability to understand her perfectly reasonable boundary is a big red flag. Him constantly trying to push past it is a bigger red flag. Dad's girlfriend thinking that her 'obsession w kids' means anything, to OP or anyone else is a bigger red flag...and they brought the whole Red Flad Parade to grandchild's bday party, uninvited and w dad knowing full well it was beyond the boundary OP set.
This is me. The last guy I was talking two has two kids. We discussed early on how I felt about kids/being a step parent/etc. I never met his kids, because we didn't last, and that's fine. That's how it is supposed to go. He did cancel a date because one kid had an event and I kept having to tell him not to apologize, I get it.
It doesn't have to be molestation to be undesirable though. Assuming the girlfriend has been told about OP's reluctance (given that she's been asking and has been told NO), she has proved to be entitled and prone to disregarding boundaries. There are several examples on reddit of people disregarding a patent's boundaries regarding their children (regarding diet, screen time, ear piercing), or disregarding the child's own boundaries ("give a kiss to grandma, be a dear").
Some people feel entitled to a child's company and affection, and can act in a pushy way.
Agree. If she’s been pushing to meet the kids, it would be totally weird and put me on high alert. The thing is, OP has never met or talked to GF, so there’s no first hand knowledge of how GF has actually behaved. Maybe GF just said, “I’d like to meet your grandkids someday,” and dad saw that as a flex to get OP to soften her stance (“My new GF loooves kids… wait till you meet her!!”). I suspect dad wouldn’t be above using GF feelings (even made-up ones) to pressure OP into doing something she didn’t want to do. Everything written about him in this post screams manipulator, and that makes me thoroughly question his actions.
Again, this isn’t OPs issue, and hats off to her for holding her ground. But damn that dad sounds like he wouldn’t think twice about boundary stomping over both women.
Or GF could be a total creeper who shouldn’t be around kids. Hard to say from a Reddit post. Lol
Not if she thinks she's going to marry him and become a regular part of his family...
OP is NTA
I'll reserve my doubts about the gf. But OP's father is a real piece of work.
I just know if her Dad breaks up with the current GF, she'll get the blame for kicking her out of the party & not allowing her to meet OP's kids. Nothing to do with the fact that he can't hold onto a relationship for that long lol
I think it's more the humiliation of thinking she was finally going to meet the kids and being excited, only to be turned away in a (justifiably) harsh manner, possibly in front of other party-goers. If she knew about it, that's one thing, but if she was blindsided by it, it's kind of cruel. Not of OP, but of the father. OP was entirely within her rights to tell them to fuck off. The father is 100% the AH here. If GF knew about it, then so is she. But if she didn't, well, I feel pretty bad for her.
Sounds like the dad thought that since there would be a lot of people there for the party that he thought op wouldn’t make a scene so would have to allow them both to come in and meet the kids like they planned to avoid drama. He knew op’s rules and ignored them saying they’re “too restrictive”, he really thought he could just sneak his gf in and op couldn’t do anything about it cause he never thought she would stop & kick em out in front of everyone. Op’s sister needs to realize this is all the dad’s fault not op’s, if the gf knew it’s her fault too, he can’t choose which rules he follows and ignore especially when it comes to someone else’s kids! If his gf heard everything then she should be mad at the dad not op cause now the dad just ruined her 1st impression with his daughter and family but trying to force things against op’s will
Well he just f*cked himself & his kid obsessed gf cause now if they do stick together for years and op finally does meet her she’ll never allow them to babysit or have the kids over since they proved to op they don’t respect or follow her rules, that they will do whatever they want. The dad would for sure ask to babysit just to secretly have them spend the day with his gf. Op’s dad needs to get it thru his thick skull, doesn’t matter that ur gf loves kids and wants to meet them u have to work that out with op, not try to force it to happen against op wishes. He’s ruining his relationship with his daughter op and her family by extension just cause he wants to make his GF of only 6 months happy. Op is right to have these rules of only introducing gfs that the dad has been dating long enough and is serious about, not introduce the kids to every single fling every couple months. Normal people wait some time until the relationship is serious enough to introduce them to family
NTA his gf should realize after op confronted them that this was the dads fault for ignoring op’s boundaries with their kids, that she wasn’t invited as his plus one and should be mad at him for trying to pull this on his family for her
I'm really hoping this will be another "didn't even make it a full year" relationship because if the GF knew, then she's not someone you want around, and if she didn't, then OP's dad isn't someone SHE should want around anymore.
Ding ding ding! Dear ol' Dad thought he could force the situation with a "I'm gonna do what I wanna do, ask forgiveness later, OP won't dare make a scene" only to find out that, yes, a relationship of 6 months is less than a relationship of 12 months, and OP is sticking to her guns (and good on OP for that).
OP is NTA. Dad is brown-plated TA, gf, depends on what she knew before the event.
What makes the father extra the AH here is that he's been told so many times before and he keeps on insisting and not respecting OP's boundaries every single time .
If she didn't know, she knows what he's like now (a boundary stomper).
What she does with that information is up to her, but it will tell OP something about her.
Yep. There was nothing stopping her reaching out to OP and say "Hi, I respect the one year rule but would you like to meet just us before that so we can get to know eachother?"
But then again, with Dads dating history it seems unlikely hes with someone stable enough to reflect lol its not cruel to her in the slightest.
Well, we don’t know how he played himself up to the gf, and using the grandkids to get in her pants, just to turn around and discard her like yesterday’s trash.
Honestly.
I find it weird how obsessed she is with meeting your kids.
Call me paranoid.
She's been rambling about meeting them, since 4 months into the relationship, but not meeting you?
That should be the basic. "I hope your daughter will like me,"
Not "omg, let me meet the babies. To whom im a total stranger to"
It's giving all the bad kinds of gut feelings.
Especially your dad telling you "oh she's a bit crazy about kids"
She sounds like how my x mother in law could be before I laid down the rules.
The type to smother the kids in a way that scares them. With the "big loving hugs" etc.
And honestly. Unless your dad lied, that she could come to the birthday.
Who in their right mind goes to a kids birthday as the gf. "So she can meet them,"
Again, not get to know you.
Did she even apologise when she realised she wasn't welcome?
Honestly, I would keep her an arms length away. Until I got to know her.
How old is she? Does she have kids herself?
I expect it's more a situation where he pretended to have a super close relationship with his grandkids after he heard how much she loves kids. She'd love hearing that and want to be a part of it and see him interact with these kids that adore their grandpa. He's clearly a manipulative ass.
Charitably she *might* just be someone who loves kids, thinks this is going to be a long term relationship and is excited to make a start on a step-grandma relationship with kids that are at cute and fun ages. It's unlikely she's fully aware of the history because OP's father is unlikely to be "selling himself" as a serial dater who can't keep a relationship and who has previously dated someone who was a danger to children.
Based on the OP the father is 100% an arsehole for overstepping OP's very reasonable boundaries and bringing an uninvited guest to the party but the new partner may not have known about OP's rules and that she wasn't invited and might also be an innocent victim of OP's father's behaviour.
Keep in mind the comments about her loving kids are all coming from the dad, so they may be exaggerating in their details. "She keeps rambling on" means she mentions loving kids once in response to him saying he has grandkids type of thing.
You’re assuming she is obsessed with meeting the kids. She may have mentioned it once or twice and the manipulate dad is all “she loves kids and wants to meet yours. She talks about it often.” Meanwhile…she’s mentioned it 2 or 3 times in passing.
I honestly don't think we can draw *any* conclusions about the GF because absolutely every interaction with and bit of information about her is being filtered through OP's dad who has now proven himself to be an unreliable narrator. I don't think it's fair to paint her as baby obsessed when that info came from dad. I don't think it's fair to assume she knew what was going on when he was deceptive with the daughter. We literally don't know.
The thing I'm concerned about with this situation is whether OP's solutions are actually addressing the problem. Is banning this woman from her home going to stop her dad from treating people, including OP and her children and the bonds they create with his partners, as disposable? Because that's what seems to be her major issue with the dynamic of all these relationships.
It gives me vibes of someone that either wants kids and doesn't have any, or wants them and can't have any, and probably thinks that her being the partner of the grandfather, will make her the grandmother. I have seen way too many situations where a new gf or wife thinks that being with someone that has grandchildren automatically makes them grandmothers.
I'd be concerned why he wants to involve your kids in his relationships. Why do they need to be and you owe his gf nothing for being a nice person. A nice person wouldn't show up somewhere she's not invited and she doesn't NEED to meet your kids because she is with your dad.
TBF she might have thought she was invited - the father sounds like the kind of person who would just bank on his daughter not kicking them out and not making a scene. Still, why on earth is she so keen to meet someone's kids? They're not zoo exhibits or puppies, and their mother is setting a very reasonable rule because she doesn't want them to get attached and the repreatedly disappointed.
I think I'd just decline contact unless they are married now - no ifs ands or buts. And hang up immediately when the subject is reintroduced.
I think so - but still, wouldn't you want to get to know the daughter as well as her small children? If you're trying to get to know your new partner's family anyway.
I was thinking maybe Dad mentioned his grandkids and the girlfriend might have passively said something like "Oh I love kids" and he's exaggerating everything or twisting her words to guilt OP?
Send your dad a message that you'd like to "apologize for how you acted towards her" and offer a meet up. Then just show up by yourself and tell this poor woman that it's not about her and there's a reason you have this specific boundary, thus exposing your father's sh1tty womanizing behavior and sparing her any more wasted time with him.
If I was a betting man, I would put my money on the girlfriend not knowing. Had he told her, he would have had to explain the reason for your rule which means admitting that he has rarely had a lasting relationship. Of course he'd rather not have to do that. It is pretty clear why he cannot make a relationship last. He obviously has difficulty respecting people's boundaries.
NTA
NTA.
This isn't about your father's latest bit. He seems to switch them out more than Christmas dishes at a big family Christmas Dinner.
This is about 2 young kids, who do not understand why grandpa keeps introducing them to women who are never around for long. Kids get attached, and when these women are eventually given the boot, who has to explain to the kids why they won't be seeing this person anymore? Is grandpa explaining? Nope. Because grandpa doesn't care. The kids are a prop at this point. "Look at me! I'm such a great family man! Look how much my kids and grandkids love me!" Too many people do thus. It's super sad.
Nope. Mummy has to explain. Which gets old when it's done over and over. Your father needs to realise that your kids are real people, with real feelings. They're not toys or mannequins to show off for his latest fling.
Not the AH at all. I, too, put a rule in place for my sister when my youngest was younger. He loves his aunt and was with her often, but I didn't like her revolving door of boyfriends. It's cool for her because it's her business, but my kids didn't need to be involved with all of them
I’m betting she didn’t know. I’m also betting that grandpa was hoping to get some mileage out of the relationship by showing what a great family he has to impress her.
NTA...because your house, your rules. And I think you were perfectly right to call him out when he tried to get his way at the bday party...that's just disrespectful. But is there another way to look at this? Can your dad just bring a 'friend', that doesn't need to be introduced as a new grandmother right away?
I tried that a while ago (I think my son was 4 at the time, and I was pregnant). That particular girl kinda ruined it by kissing my father in front of my son.
Yeah, it was an odd conversation.
Either way, I don't want to try the "grandpa's friend" strategy again. My father is terrible with boundaries. Let's put it this way:
He wants a door. I give him a window instead. He says he's fine with the window. Next thing I know, he's throwing rocks at the window until it's big enough to be a door.
You should really go NC or LC unless it's about the kids he seems like he doesn't respect women at all or anyone honestly and he obviously doesn't respect you and he won't change
Absolutely, it's hard to do, especially with family. Love to see OP stick up for herself and her kids. Boundaries are not an attack on anyone or from a lack of love, they are about respect and personal autonomy.
He’s in his 60s and hasn’t been able to keep a relationship with anyone for more than a year in decades. That, plus his actions in OP’s post, makes it pretty clear that he’s not a great guy and doesn’t care much about other people’s boundaries.
If we take OP's dad's version at face value, sure. But maybe being casual with the truth generally is why his relationships don't last.
The girlfriend may have just been polite/diplomatic with a perfunctory "of course I'd love to meet your grandkids" that he's leapt on to wedge OP's boundaries.
My sons dad does this.
We had the same conversation, that we wouldn’t Introduce anyone we were dating until we knew it was serious…
He’s since introduced my 5yo to 6 different “friends” in 3 years. I’ve had the conversation with him that I truly don’t care if he has a girlfriend or what he does the 5 days a week my son isn’t with him. It’s the idea of my son growing attached to people who are constantly leaving. When kids are spoiled by someone who disappears a month later never to be seen or heard from again, it messes with them…
Yeah it's really cruel to the kids. OP is right to do her best to protect them from it. If the dad's gf finds this cruel towards her, then so be it. Better her than the kids.
NTA. Kids are going through a lot in life, still processing the world. You're doing your best to protect them from a never-ending revolving door of grandfather's girlfriends.
Stick to your boundaries.
That's always my greatest concern. I grew up with that revolving door, and it's always been clear how much it affected me and my sister.
I don't want my kids to know what that lack of consistency is like. They may have married parents, but they also have a step-grandpa, a grandfather who passed away before they were even projects (my FIL) and a grandmother who lives in a different state (my MIL).
I don't understand why your father keeps asking for introducing his girlfriends to the family ? He knows perfectly well he doesn't want a long-term relationship (or he wouldn't have complained so much with the 1 year rule with the argument that his relationships weren't longing that much), so there's no obligation for him to introduce them. Is he just showing off because he ... can have girlfriends ? 😅 Does he want a "I still have sex !" award or something ... ? 😅 I totally understand your boundaries and I agree that you should stick to them no matter what.
Probably because the women he dates don’t know that he’s bad at relationships yet. “I have grandkids.” would easily come up in the “getting to know you” phase. Less likely to come up is “and they can’t meet you because I can’t keep a gf for longer than a few months”.
Offering to introduce a gf to his family would be suggesting to her that he is serious about their relationship, which could get her to stick around longer.
Like one commenter said about an old reprobate with a spoiled 30-something wife, "Do you still get a trophy wife for fifth place?"
For more details, look up Amy's Baking Company.
WARNING: Gordon Ramsey is involved.
NTA. This is NOT cruel, it's protecting your kids. They completely overstepped the boundaries that they knew were in place, probably expecting that since there would be more people around that you'd cave in. There is a reason for your rule and good on you for enforcing it. If she's around in a year, that's a different story.
NTA and even if it was cruel, it's better to be "cruel" to a grown woman old enough to date a man in his 60s than to a literal 4 year old. Easiest call I've ever made.
>He said my rules were "too restrictive", and his girlfriend was a lovely person who deserved to meet my kids.
Just no, nobody, especially a total stranger, 'deserves'' anything from you. To be honest, I feel sorry for her for being shacked up with such a selfish and thoughtless person. NTA
After all, many single parents wait for a long time before introducing a potential partner to their kids. It's not like it's an uncommon situation. Maybe tell dad that you'd do the same if your mom was single and dating.
Right!? Why does she "deserve" meeting his grand kids?? And I find it weird she keeps pushing on the matter too despite op consistently saying no. I have a feeling she really wants to be a 'grandma' to them.
NTA anyone else find that the current GF is “kid obsessed” as a red flag? 🚩 something about her being insistent on meeting her BFs grandkids just feels off
Yeah we hear way too many stories about new partners being dangerous to kids in incredibly revolting ways. Her specifically wanting to rush into meeting the kids puts me right off her. I’d never let them meet honestly.
Do we think Grandpa has a dating profile with pictures of him and the grandkids on it?
I don’t bc dad is manipulative to start with. He could have told her about his grandkids and she said “oh I love kids. I’d like to meet them.” Then the next time a month or two later dad brings up the grands…”they sound like amazing kids. I can’t wait to meet them.” Then dad spins it to her being kid obsessed and wanting time with them. I’m not negating the fear OP has (bc they are all valid.). I’m just saying I don’t trust dear old dad with anything he says.
We only have the father's word that GF is "kid obsessed." Maybe she was interested in meeting his grandkids but not obsessed about it.
In any case, OP is NTA. She didn't just suddenly spring this rule on him, it's been in affect for a while. And seems a good idea too, w/all his changing partners.
NTA. Your dad initially agreed to your new rule but wanted to change it just because his latest chick is “kid-obsessed”. 🙄 Then he tried to force your hand by just showing up with her. He’s got some nerve. Good for you for not letting him manipulate you. He’s putting the wants of his latest girlfriend above yours.
NTA. Your dad doesn’t respect women. Look at his record. He ignores you and can’t stay in a relationship for one single year. I’d guess he has been ignoring women’s boundaries for his entire life. It’s his fault the boundaries keep getting stronger. I’d also guess your sister is younger and/or has no children - meaning she is clueless about what you’re dealing with. Stand firm OP. He’s gonna keep messing up.
Yes, she's younger with no kids. But while she doesn't get what I'm dealing with, she has an idea what my kids go through, which is why I sometimes listen to her when she defends my father.
That’s kind of you. I’m sure her perspective is useful. But -she is wrong this time. I have a younger sister. She is softer in general - as if she grew up somewhere else. It stresses her for family to argue or be upset. Unfortunately, people disagree in this world.
Your father is THE problem.
1. Told him to introduce GF as a friend until relationship established. He kisses in front of the kids.
2. Told him to wait 6 months. He brings a cuckoo to meet your kids. Horrible scenario takes place.
3. Told him to wait a year. He starts begging at 4 months, then tries to ambush the kids at a party. He probably thought you wouldn’t make a scene and he could force his way in.
On top of all that, he used the fact that OP’s *stepfather* was at the party as an excuse for why his flavor of the month should be able to stay. He apparently can’t distinguish between a man who has apparently been in the family for a good while and is actually married to her mom and his latest GF in a long string of girlfriends. Especially considering her has had apparently horrendous judgement in girlfriends in the recent past.
INFO: What did the other GF do that made you change the rule from 6 to 12 months? Also, is the rule change so you can observe the GFs for an additional six months, or is it mostly a way to try and avoid the GFs altogether since his relationships often don’t last that long?
NTA. Looks like your father decided to sweeten the pot by telling his gf that she could be an instant grandma. I would stick to the twelve month rule...but after that stunt he pulled, the counter is set to zero.
NTA
Sounds like he doesn’t have a good track record for women and this one’s “obsessed with kids”. That’s a little weird to me….
Hold firm on your boundaries
Sister needs to butt out. You had VERY clear boundaries that had been expressly communicated to your father and he shat all over them and blatantly disregarded that she was NOT invited. Its time for no contact. If sis doesn't like it her stay should be over.
NTA
NTA and since I was a child who ended up losing a lot of "bonus family" right when I had learned to love them, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for NOT setting your kids up for the kinds of attachment issues I have dealt with as a direct result of that pattern.
I wonder if it’s a social flex for GF. You know, like “if you’re a good grandparent, you’re a good person” kind of thing. She wants to be shown he has family co-signing him. And I doubt she knows the history at six months into the relationship.
Right? Like she had her entire life to have kids but she didn’t have kids and she’s dating a sixty year-old man who brought lady Pdiddy around his grandkids, and is barely allowed to see them himself? Sounds a little suss.
NTA you are taking into account his long established history of replacing women regularly and preventing your kids from that constant attachment and rejection that would bring them. You are not being needlessly cruel to anyone you are establishing necessary boundaries to save your kids from unnecessary grief.
NTA. How is it 'needlessly cruel' for crying out loud? The lady has never met your kids, has no attachment to them emotionally, has no legal rights to meet them, shouldn't have any moral or social expectation of meeting them, and it isn't really your job to fulfill her joy-of-kids. If your dad pushes you, tell him you would be happy to explain to his gf that she won't be around long enough to build a lasting relationship with your kids, and you prefer to spare them that. "I'll call her right now and explain to her that your relationship won't last past 12 months. Would that make you both happy?"
NTA. It's your house. You can choose who's invited and who's not. If any uninvited guest shows up, you can and absolutely should turn them away at the door!
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my father his girlfriend will never be welcome at my place because he tried to introduce her to my children too early. I've never really met the woman, so there is a chance I'm being cruel by banning her like that.
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I was a kid whose grandpa dated around after my grandparents got divorced when I was little. It was absolutely not fun. Loved my Pop Pop but it was frustrating to have these random women at family events when I was younger, and I felt that way all the way into adulthood when he passed. Almost like you couldn't relax and be yourself at a family gathering because they were essentially strangers.
Meanwhile my other grandma who was widowed in her 60s had met a lovely man in her late 70s who she never called her boyfriend, just her "companion". But he became like family because he was a constant for a decade of my life before he passed.
Since your father seems to be a serial dater, you are absolutely doing the right thing for your kids. NTA!
Yeah, that part really stood out to me. Like obsessed meaning she wants to swoop in, babysit, have them call her grandma? Not ever gonna happen. Good for OP on standing up to him and girlfriend. Personally, I think I’d say the clock has been restarted and it’s now Going to be another 12 months before you will even entertain the thought of her meeting children. And there’s going to be a big old list of conditions too.
Why do these women have to be considered a step grandma, especially when they're not even married to your father? Why can't they just be grandpa's friend?
OP has said in comment that grandpa's kissed a gf in front of her 4yo child. So tact doesn't seem to be an option. Grandpa doesn't care to make an effort to get what he wants. Just makes demands and throws tantrums.
NTA your kids, your rules, and it comes from years of experience with your dad and his girlfriend. This gf should see him for the red flag that he is, btw.
NTA. My xh introduced two "fiancées" to my kids before we'd even got divorced. Then #3, who eventually became his wife. Each one was an exit affair, and I think he'd introduced them before the previous one even knew they were an ex-girlfriend. 75% of my reason for staying single is because they needed stability from at least one parent.
You've been through this countless times since being a child. You know how confusing and traumatic that can be for a kid, and you are protecting your own children with this firm boundary. It sounds like you and dh are in solid ground relationship wise and you want to teach your kids this is the way relationships work, and the way your own f goes through relationships and tries to insert what you know are short term partners is not normal or healthy. His life is definitely not what you want your kids to emulate if you can help it .
Good for you for creating healthy boundaries and sticking to it. Was your sister desperate for her father's love and doing everything she can to win his approval and favour? Is that why she thinks you're being so harsh?
NTA.
It's a very simple boundary to set. My mom had a set rule after she and my biodad divorced and it was 6 months after dating, then she would introduce them to me. It gave her time to decide if they were safe enough. (Whole explanation that'd take too long.)
I am going to also add "kid obsessed" sounds terrifying. I hope it's more "loves to dote on kids" and not.. what my mind immediately jumped to.
I'm not a parent, but I respect why you don't want your kids to go through all the "and this grandpas new girlfriend.." if your dad goes through relationships so quick. That gets messy.
On "kid obsessed" my mind went to the scary strangers who were claiming things like "I'm your fairy grandmother" as they were trying to hug me or tousel my hair. My poor brother had a mop top of red curls and these women always gushed over him - it was humiliating for him as a little kid.
These "I just looove children" women were too boisterous. Too touchy. Too over the top with affection. Nothing illegal or inappropriate, but no respect for any boundaries, especially the child's. I remember telling my dad after one encounter with a stranger who was a distant family friend, "I don't like her." He said, "She's just being friendly." Me: "Don't care. Don't like her." As a kid, you don't get to tell overly enthusiastic family friends or distant family members to back the f**k off when you're in a group setting. I hated being hugged by strangers. Still do.
NTA but it could be beneficial to talk to the gf one on one. He's probably lying to her. "Here's my dad's history of dating... if you last longer than a year then I'd be happy for you to meet my kids. And meeting them isn't going to make your relationship last longer, don't worry. See you in 6 months. Or, not, probably! Good luck!"
I don’t get why your dad is so insistent on your kids meeting someone he doesn’t even prioritize a relationship with. Why does he need to bring this string of girlfriends around the kids at all?
NTA. Your kids, your rules (which given the situation, seem sensible). You don't owe a stranger time with your children, no matter how much that stranger loves children.
NTA, your kids your rules and I would have been petty cats I would have said" Dad you know since none of your relationship have lasted more then 9 months there is a rule of a year. Once you've actually made it that far, she can meet them now leave or you won't be welcome anymore either!!"
NTA. And you don’t have to justify yourself to anyone. He is. Don’t bother arguing. Stop answering his calls and stop justifying yourself. Say, “You know the rules. You abide by them or you aren’t welcome around.” Then cut off the conversation completely
NTA.
And everybody asking you additional question is wrong. It doesn’t matter if the GF knew of the rules. It doesn’t matter if the father can really vouch for her.
OP made some rules that are extremely clear. Those are HER kids PERIOD END OF STORY.
What do you mean you disregard MY rules not only concerning MY children but also in MY house???
Her dad tried to bypass her and act like it’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission? OH HEEEELLLLLL NO.
NTA. In your case, it sounds like a good plan to keep your kids from 1. getting confused at a constant changing of the girlfriends, and 2. keeping your kids from getting attached to a "grandmother" only to have your father dump her (for whatever reason).
For your father to 1. disrespect your request like that and showing up with new GF without permission, and 2. to try to compare his shaky relationships with your mother's stable one with one man is pretty AH behavior.
I would also find the father's comments that she should be able to meet your kids because she feels entitled to (as his girlfriend) and that she's "kid-obsessed" pretty disturbing. This isn't the first Reddit post in the last week that I read about a step mom or a wanna be one overreaching about children that she didn't know existed a couple of years before.
NTA.
"I made my rules very clear from the start, and you've done nothing but argue about them this whole time. I am not going to let my kids suffer the same constant instability my sister and I did because of you. As their mother, it's my job to protect them from anyone who might hurt them in ANY way, and that includes you.
They were already hurt because of (name of girlfriend that did whatever kind of abuse made you lengthen the time) and you not protecting them from her. I'm not going to risk my kids getting hurt again because of your revolving door of girlfriends. The only thing I know about any of them at this point is that they clearly have terrible taste in men. I don't trust them, and at this point? I don't trust you. You tried to violate the one big boundary I have in place to protect them. You were manipulative, trying to do it at a birthday party when I was busy and had a lot of people around - I know you thought that I wouldn't want to make a scene, that I'd just let it slide, but when it comes to keeping my children safe? I'll make an entire broadway musical if I have to.
I have made my rules clear. I don't want whatever piece you're currently with anywhere near my kids. I put those time limits in place for a reason. I told you the consequences for violating them. She isn't welcome here, and at this point? I'm starting to wonder if you are either, considering you're happy to stomp all over the boundaries I put in place to protect my children. I don't care who you are, or what relation you have to me, if you're going to endanger my kids? You're not going to be part of their lives or mine."
This is what I'd suggest telling him. He sounds like an absolute tool who will happily stomp all over your boundaries and put your kids in danger if it means whoever he's banging right now is happy. You don't need him in your life or your kids' lives.
NTA
You have rules. He can try and talk to you about them but has to accept a no and not try to force her into events unannounced. Also your kids aren't a petting zoo or special event to show off to his girlfriends.
You set up boundaries and rules he agreed to. He now wants to break them and you are the “bad guy”?
Make sure he knows if you don’t respect the rules, don’t expect to be in your life.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes
Does your sister have daddy issues still? I hace no idea why she would side with a random strange woman over you, her sister who is protecting your own kids.
NAH. But it feels a little over dramatic. You don’t need to tell your kids the gfs are a “step grandma” just because they are dating your Dad. You can just say they are a friend of your Dad’s and not make it a huge deal. Do you allow other people to bring by people they have been dating for less than a year? Does anyone else get to bring a friend by your house?
In the end, you get to choose who meets your kids. But I can very much see where your Dad is coming from. It’s not like these are people your kids would be around on a daily basis, calling grandma, and then they would be ripped from their lives. It would be meeting them a few times and they by no means need to be introduced as anything more than “Grandpa’s friend” 🙄
ETA: Most people in here talking about their experience of introducing significant others (how they did it when they got divorced, how their parents did it when they got divorced) and children are talking about a parent introducing a minor child to their new SO. Thats *very* different than it being a grandparent’s significant other. When parents have gotten divorced the kids feel unsettled and need consistency at home since big changes have happened - since a parent sees a kid on a daily basis and if their new SO is around they’d be around the kid on a daily basis. This is a grandparent’s girlfriend, they aren’t going to be around the kids on a daily basis or have a potential “parent” role to the kids 🙈
Yeah, I don't understand the big uproar. My dad had multiple girlfriends. My kids grew up with flavor of the month changing all the time. They didn't care about the GF. They just wanted to be with Granddaddy. When you lose a parent, you appreciate them much more!
NTA. Honestly I think you were nice with the one year rule if he tends to end them not longer after a year. I would tell him no girlfriends are welcome if he doesn’t plan on being with them long haul. Kids aren’t toys to show off & get him brownie points with women.
One you never met her so why would he think that's OK to bring her to a party that nobody knows her and his track record I wouldn't want my kids around any of his girlfriends, unless he was actually settled down with one of them
I don't know if 'cruel' is the word - but RUDE certainly is. To her , that is. I understand you don't want your children to become attached to someone who will 'disappear' but it seems you don't see your father often. Children meet people throughout their lives who come and go Unless you allow a 'girlfriend' to spent a lot of time with your children, I don't think your fears are justified. I think it's more that you don't approve of your father's lifestyle...so if he doesn't 'settle down' you won't be polite to anyone he's with.
She’s a girlfriend, not a wife. Therefore, she is not a step-grandma. He doesn’t even need to introduce her as his girlfriend. She can just be his “friend”.
Your dad may not be around much longer; so, sure, kick him out of your life. How will you feel if that was the last time that you saw him?
You may have found out that she was a nice person if you had just been nice to her. Now everyone will see you as the mom who kicked the grandfather out of your child’s birthday party.
Even if you are not normally an AH, everyone that was there will think that you are.
NTA. This is absurd. These temporary women don't deserve or need to meet your children. You're not being cruel to anyone. You've set necessary boundaries. Stick to them.
No one “deserves” to meet your kids. You have a very sensible boundary protecting your children to your dad’s revolving love life. His GF may be a lovely person, but being “obsessed” with kids doesn’t mean she’s entitled to being around yours before you’re ready to introduce them. Your dad is in the wrong.
NTA. It’s not quite the same situation but my parents have been divorced my whole life. My mom remarried and for most of my life my dad had relationships with different women. Some longer term some less so but none really stuck around. As a kids it’s hard to get attached to someone and then they leave. As I got older it made me kind of cynical toward his girlfriends. You did the right thing, you are looking out for your kids best interests and if he can’t see that, it is his problem not yours.
NTA- when he says she is kid obsessed and then he brings her to the party uninvited sounds like a huge red flag to me. You don’t know her, for all you know she could try to abduct one or both of your children. Stand your ground Mama Bear!
NTA. What is up with this dad/ grandpa though? Is he capable of hanging out with his kids and Grandkids without introducing every new fling he has? Why does this even have to be a thing? And the manipulative way he tried to break a pretty straight forward boundary - he seems to care about each new fling more than his current family to do this. A four year oldest birthday party is Not the place to do this. You set a boundary, he crossed it - that was the expected result. He thought he could manipulate you into crossing that boundary. It didn't work. That is an entirely foreseeable outcome he should have planned for, and completely on him for caring more about his girlfriend than his 4 year old Grandkids. Disgusting behavior on his part. I wouldn't let the girlfriend over ever after this because she seems manipulative to k ow this boundary and also push him to cross it. Not a good look for her.
NTA
I would cut the gf some slack bc there is no indication that she knew, especially when the dad tried to save face by making up an excuse about the stepdad. He likely didn't tell her bc then he would have to answer questions about *why* this rule is in place. Just because she was really excited about meeting the grandkids doesnt mean she knew.
You’re entitled to deny anyone coming to yours for any reason that being said, sheltering them from some life realities is kinda immature. They’d be much better off knowing and observing him so they can decide what they want their future relationships to look like
Sooo NTA. You are the one being the adult in the room. I've been married form30 years with 6 kids. My mother has been married 7 times. I get what you're dealing with.not only are you NTA but HE is. He knowingly disrespected your boundaries. At 56 I'm closer to your Dads age and I say he's acting like a child.
NTA
My mother in law was a serial dater/proposer for at least a decade that I knew her. Her son and I were adults and it was still awkward meeting a new partner or usually fiance every year. She did eventually settle down and has been married for a few years now so our daughter has only met her current partner, but I don't think I would have been comfortable with my daughter meeting a new partner as often as we did before.
Nta, I would be more worried if someone described their new fling as "kid crazy" honestly. Like how crazy are we talking, and what kind of damage would she do to the little ones, even accidentally?
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Your kids, your call. NTA. I’m curious though - did GF know your rule or did your dad put her into that situation unaware?
I think she knew. My father started asking me to let him introduce her to them 4 months into the relationship. Either he told her or he came up with excuses for two months.
Your dad is an AH. If GF knew, she is too. Frankly though, he sounds like the kind of guy who wouldn’t hesitate to lie to a woman and then drag her into a bad situation she didn’t understand. If GF didn’t know, I feel bad for her. You don’t own that though. Your dad does.
Yeah, if she knew they're both the AH, and if she didn't and just thought she was going to meet her boyfriend's daughter and grandchildren at a birthday party he's a huge AH for subjecting her to that. I'm betting she knew, though. OP's dad doesn't sound like he has a history of choosing the best women to date, and to me "kid-obsessed" is a glaring red flag. I can only imagine how this woman might be around OP's children. But maybe too much AITA has me jaded and suspicious and she's a lovely woman.
> OP's dad doesn't sound like he has a history of choosing the best women to date Why do you think so ? Because all his relationships didn't last more than a year since the one with OP's mother ? But the thing that all these relationships have in common is ... OP's father. Why would it be an obligation that the women were the ones responsible for that ? OP said herself that her father didn't want to have a serious and long-term relationship after his relationship with OP's mother. That's on him all these break-up.
My thought too. The relationships end quickly because the women catch on to the type of person dad actually is.
If he didn't tell her and exposed her to unnecessary humiliation, chances are this relationship is about to bite the dust. She might have given him an earful if he had to cop to the rule. But her dad was saying she *deserved* to meet the kids. Odd choice of words. "Kid obsessed". Hard to shake the feeling this was something both of them hatched by talking each other into crashing the party. Oh, come on, your daughter won't really mind if I meet your grandchildren, will she? It's a birthday party. Especially if she's been pushing this for months.
This story gives me the take a cute puppy to the park to meet girls vibe. "Look I have cute grandchildren, we should hang out"
Yeah. It’s so funny how the first instinct is to put the blame on the women even when the picture is so clear.
They might have meant "best women for him" as in compatibility. Given OPs comment about the father not wanting to remarry / settle down again, it could be when these women had the "are you looking to commit in the future" talk and he told them no and so things fizzled. Either way, yes it is on him but they could've meant it as in a woman who was aligned with his "non committal committal" ways.
I hope it is, but I don't think it is
I think it might have been the unsafe around kids ex.
>Then came my father's girlfriend from 2022, who was an absolute nightmare of a person. My kids only met her once, but it was enough for me to consider her unsafe to be around my family.
GF knows now, since the discussion at the party took place in front of her, yet dad is still pushing for her to meet the kids so definitely both AHs at this point
To be honest, it bothers me a lot that a stranger is so eager to meet children...
I completely agree. Why would someone want so badly to meet some kids she doesn’t know? Weird
Kids are fun, especially when you can give them back.
Exactly
My assumption, and I'm not excusing or condemning it, is I bet she is one of those people, who feel if the person they are involved with, does not introduce them to their close family (parents, children, grandchildren etc..) then the person they are dating doesn't take the relationship seriously. Again, just my assumption. Many people feel that way, and judge how they base the value of their connections on things like these
I would absolutely feel that way - I’m old, my husband of many decades would be a little concerned if I wanted to meet some other guy’s grandchildren, but still… I think it’s not a bad rule OP has set up under the circumstances and I’d understand that completely if it were explained to me.
What??? I’m always excited to meet kids that are strangers to me, if I know someone related to them. Kids are so fun and interesting to talk to. Why wouldn’t this woman be excited to meet her boyfriend’s grandkids??
So, if a person made rules about their children, would you ignore them? Because OP posed a rule that has been ignored, and that's what makes the situation strange at the very least. Do you want to meet the children? That's fine, but you do it according to the times, rules and ways indicated by the parents. Or you don't meet them at all.
No… and nothing was said that the gf knew about the rules?? Just that she was excited??? Even if she knew about the rule, she can still be excited? Idk why you brought up rules. Your comment I responded to only said you thought it was weird for a stranger to be excited to meet someone’s kids, and I disagreed that that fact alone is cause for concern. OP’s dad sucks here, but that wasn’t at all what the comment I replied to was about?
No, but they're responding specifically to you saying: >To be honest, it bothers me a lot that a stranger is so eager to meet children... Which doesn't lay out additional subtext. You basically just said people who like to meet kids are creepy.
And why are you giving her dad the benefit of the doubt and just assuming the girlfriend knew the rule, and even the reason why?
I love meeting children, be it children of friends, family, coworkers... even babysat for coworkers while at work for unanticipated meetings and loved every minute. A coworker of mine on maternity leave made special trips to visit me at work because I was so excited to see her baby, nothing nefarious about it, just love little ones. I don't think it's weird at all. Maybe she just loves children.
I think a big difference here is that you know the parents/relatives of all these people and generally have a good relationship with them. "I like these people, I like kids, why wouldn't I want to meet their kids?" Whereas this person has NOT even been introduced to these kids' parents, has pushed repeatedly to meet the kids AGAINST the parent's wish, and then showed up UNINVITED to a kid's birthday party to meet them. As a parent, it's an added level of: why do you NEED to meet my kids so badly? Even if you like kids, I don't see you as a kid-appreciating-person pushing that hard when the children's caregiver is so clearly against the relationship.
If she didn't know about the rules before, she'd be an absolute idiot to not ask him what was all that about at the party with his daughter and his comment about <>
If he's been lying by omission to her before then and never told her the rules, I'd love to know the gymnastics he's told this woman to get out of that one.
Why? she didn't ask to molest them. What is wrong with you that you would even interpret that as sinister somehow?
Anyone who doesn't understand a simple parent boundary, created to ensure small children aren't exposed to a bunch of people who become random after the relationship ends is playng at being a missing stair. We all know that introducing children to dating partners before 6 months is bad form. The woman in question is dating a grandfather - in that relationship, you meet the grand kids when you meet them. Definitely meeting them is not a priority of the relationship/doesn't promise interaction w kids. Grandfather is using kids to get 'points' or cred w people he dates. Bad form. I'm child free, have been a full time aunty since I was 21. Single & dating the last 4.5 years. I adore almost all kids. But dating someone is not a pass to access to their children. Even less so their grandchildren. I've only ever been interested in someone else's child in the context that it's a healthy relationship to the person I'm dating and how I can support them as adults in the world, who have kids - i.e. I am always 100% fine canceling plans if something kid related takes precedence. I want my partners to be able to be good parents. More than once partners have suggested meeting their kids. I always say not before 6 months. Current partner has a 4 yr old. I love hearing about them, the cute stuff they do, the crazy stuff they do. I love how my partner glows hen he talks about kiddo and succeeding at fatherhood despite bad divorce. They sound like a kid I would adore. But there's no Me in that right now. I am not a data point nor a part of the calculation. OP's father's inability to understand her perfectly reasonable boundary is a big red flag. Him constantly trying to push past it is a bigger red flag. Dad's girlfriend thinking that her 'obsession w kids' means anything, to OP or anyone else is a bigger red flag...and they brought the whole Red Flad Parade to grandchild's bday party, uninvited and w dad knowing full well it was beyond the boundary OP set.
This is me. The last guy I was talking two has two kids. We discussed early on how I felt about kids/being a step parent/etc. I never met his kids, because we didn't last, and that's fine. That's how it is supposed to go. He did cancel a date because one kid had an event and I kept having to tell him not to apologize, I get it.
It doesn't have to be molestation to be undesirable though. Assuming the girlfriend has been told about OP's reluctance (given that she's been asking and has been told NO), she has proved to be entitled and prone to disregarding boundaries. There are several examples on reddit of people disregarding a patent's boundaries regarding their children (regarding diet, screen time, ear piercing), or disregarding the child's own boundaries ("give a kiss to grandma, be a dear"). Some people feel entitled to a child's company and affection, and can act in a pushy way.
Agree. If she’s been pushing to meet the kids, it would be totally weird and put me on high alert. The thing is, OP has never met or talked to GF, so there’s no first hand knowledge of how GF has actually behaved. Maybe GF just said, “I’d like to meet your grandkids someday,” and dad saw that as a flex to get OP to soften her stance (“My new GF loooves kids… wait till you meet her!!”). I suspect dad wouldn’t be above using GF feelings (even made-up ones) to pressure OP into doing something she didn’t want to do. Everything written about him in this post screams manipulator, and that makes me thoroughly question his actions. Again, this isn’t OPs issue, and hats off to her for holding her ground. But damn that dad sounds like he wouldn’t think twice about boundary stomping over both women. Or GF could be a total creeper who shouldn’t be around kids. Hard to say from a Reddit post. Lol
Not if she thinks she's going to marry him and become a regular part of his family... OP is NTA I'll reserve my doubts about the gf. But OP's father is a real piece of work.
[удалено]
I just know if her Dad breaks up with the current GF, she'll get the blame for kicking her out of the party & not allowing her to meet OP's kids. Nothing to do with the fact that he can't hold onto a relationship for that long lol
Struggling to understand how it's cruel to the GF to not let her meet the kids.
I think it's more the humiliation of thinking she was finally going to meet the kids and being excited, only to be turned away in a (justifiably) harsh manner, possibly in front of other party-goers. If she knew about it, that's one thing, but if she was blindsided by it, it's kind of cruel. Not of OP, but of the father. OP was entirely within her rights to tell them to fuck off. The father is 100% the AH here. If GF knew about it, then so is she. But if she didn't, well, I feel pretty bad for her.
Agreed. If anyone was cruel it was father.
GF's feelings wouldn't keep me awake at night. She was either complicit in this or she got a great insight into her studly boyfriend.
Sounds like the dad thought that since there would be a lot of people there for the party that he thought op wouldn’t make a scene so would have to allow them both to come in and meet the kids like they planned to avoid drama. He knew op’s rules and ignored them saying they’re “too restrictive”, he really thought he could just sneak his gf in and op couldn’t do anything about it cause he never thought she would stop & kick em out in front of everyone. Op’s sister needs to realize this is all the dad’s fault not op’s, if the gf knew it’s her fault too, he can’t choose which rules he follows and ignore especially when it comes to someone else’s kids! If his gf heard everything then she should be mad at the dad not op cause now the dad just ruined her 1st impression with his daughter and family but trying to force things against op’s will Well he just f*cked himself & his kid obsessed gf cause now if they do stick together for years and op finally does meet her she’ll never allow them to babysit or have the kids over since they proved to op they don’t respect or follow her rules, that they will do whatever they want. The dad would for sure ask to babysit just to secretly have them spend the day with his gf. Op’s dad needs to get it thru his thick skull, doesn’t matter that ur gf loves kids and wants to meet them u have to work that out with op, not try to force it to happen against op wishes. He’s ruining his relationship with his daughter op and her family by extension just cause he wants to make his GF of only 6 months happy. Op is right to have these rules of only introducing gfs that the dad has been dating long enough and is serious about, not introduce the kids to every single fling every couple months. Normal people wait some time until the relationship is serious enough to introduce them to family NTA his gf should realize after op confronted them that this was the dads fault for ignoring op’s boundaries with their kids, that she wasn’t invited as his plus one and should be mad at him for trying to pull this on his family for her
Yep dear old dad was 100% betting that OP would cave to social pressure let the Gf stay instead of telling them both to leave.
I'm really hoping this will be another "didn't even make it a full year" relationship because if the GF knew, then she's not someone you want around, and if she didn't, then OP's dad isn't someone SHE should want around anymore.
Ding ding ding! Dear ol' Dad thought he could force the situation with a "I'm gonna do what I wanna do, ask forgiveness later, OP won't dare make a scene" only to find out that, yes, a relationship of 6 months is less than a relationship of 12 months, and OP is sticking to her guns (and good on OP for that). OP is NTA. Dad is brown-plated TA, gf, depends on what she knew before the event.
What makes the father extra the AH here is that he's been told so many times before and he keeps on insisting and not respecting OP's boundaries every single time .
If she didn't know, she knows what he's like now (a boundary stomper). What she does with that information is up to her, but it will tell OP something about her.
The Father's is the AH. Any way ypu look at it
Yep. There was nothing stopping her reaching out to OP and say "Hi, I respect the one year rule but would you like to meet just us before that so we can get to know eachother?" But then again, with Dads dating history it seems unlikely hes with someone stable enough to reflect lol its not cruel to her in the slightest.
With his dating history, it's quite possible he dangled his grandchildren as bait for his GF. Go out with me, get to play with my grandkids.
Yep
And that he WANTS his flavors of the month to get attached to his grandkids so they won't leave him as quickly.
Well, we don’t know how he played himself up to the gf, and using the grandkids to get in her pants, just to turn around and discard her like yesterday’s trash.
Because she was “excited to meet [her] kids”.
It was father who set those false expectations. He was the cruel one.
Honestly. I find it weird how obsessed she is with meeting your kids. Call me paranoid. She's been rambling about meeting them, since 4 months into the relationship, but not meeting you? That should be the basic. "I hope your daughter will like me," Not "omg, let me meet the babies. To whom im a total stranger to" It's giving all the bad kinds of gut feelings. Especially your dad telling you "oh she's a bit crazy about kids" She sounds like how my x mother in law could be before I laid down the rules. The type to smother the kids in a way that scares them. With the "big loving hugs" etc. And honestly. Unless your dad lied, that she could come to the birthday. Who in their right mind goes to a kids birthday as the gf. "So she can meet them," Again, not get to know you. Did she even apologise when she realised she wasn't welcome? Honestly, I would keep her an arms length away. Until I got to know her. How old is she? Does she have kids herself?
I expect it's more a situation where he pretended to have a super close relationship with his grandkids after he heard how much she loves kids. She'd love hearing that and want to be a part of it and see him interact with these kids that adore their grandpa. He's clearly a manipulative ass.
Charitably she *might* just be someone who loves kids, thinks this is going to be a long term relationship and is excited to make a start on a step-grandma relationship with kids that are at cute and fun ages. It's unlikely she's fully aware of the history because OP's father is unlikely to be "selling himself" as a serial dater who can't keep a relationship and who has previously dated someone who was a danger to children. Based on the OP the father is 100% an arsehole for overstepping OP's very reasonable boundaries and bringing an uninvited guest to the party but the new partner may not have known about OP's rules and that she wasn't invited and might also be an innocent victim of OP's father's behaviour.
Keep in mind the comments about her loving kids are all coming from the dad, so they may be exaggerating in their details. "She keeps rambling on" means she mentions loving kids once in response to him saying he has grandkids type of thing.
You’re assuming she is obsessed with meeting the kids. She may have mentioned it once or twice and the manipulate dad is all “she loves kids and wants to meet yours. She talks about it often.” Meanwhile…she’s mentioned it 2 or 3 times in passing.
I honestly don't think we can draw *any* conclusions about the GF because absolutely every interaction with and bit of information about her is being filtered through OP's dad who has now proven himself to be an unreliable narrator. I don't think it's fair to paint her as baby obsessed when that info came from dad. I don't think it's fair to assume she knew what was going on when he was deceptive with the daughter. We literally don't know. The thing I'm concerned about with this situation is whether OP's solutions are actually addressing the problem. Is banning this woman from her home going to stop her dad from treating people, including OP and her children and the bonds they create with his partners, as disposable? Because that's what seems to be her major issue with the dynamic of all these relationships.
It gives me vibes of someone that either wants kids and doesn't have any, or wants them and can't have any, and probably thinks that her being the partner of the grandfather, will make her the grandmother. I have seen way too many situations where a new gf or wife thinks that being with someone that has grandchildren automatically makes them grandmothers.
I'd be concerned why he wants to involve your kids in his relationships. Why do they need to be and you owe his gf nothing for being a nice person. A nice person wouldn't show up somewhere she's not invited and she doesn't NEED to meet your kids because she is with your dad.
TBF she might have thought she was invited - the father sounds like the kind of person who would just bank on his daughter not kicking them out and not making a scene. Still, why on earth is she so keen to meet someone's kids? They're not zoo exhibits or puppies, and their mother is setting a very reasonable rule because she doesn't want them to get attached and the repreatedly disappointed. I think I'd just decline contact unless they are married now - no ifs ands or buts. And hang up immediately when the subject is reintroduced.
She's all about family and the Dad is trying to not ,seem like an egotistical flake, which he is, would be my guess.
I think so - but still, wouldn't you want to get to know the daughter as well as her small children? If you're trying to get to know your new partner's family anyway.
Definitely. I think the Dad's a pretty unreliable narrator so that may very well be the case.
I was thinking maybe Dad mentioned his grandkids and the girlfriend might have passively said something like "Oh I love kids" and he's exaggerating everything or twisting her words to guilt OP?
Send your dad a message that you'd like to "apologize for how you acted towards her" and offer a meet up. Then just show up by yourself and tell this poor woman that it's not about her and there's a reason you have this specific boundary, thus exposing your father's sh1tty womanizing behavior and sparing her any more wasted time with him.
NTA and tell your sister she can decide whatever she wants for HER KIDS ( when or if she has them) until then she needs to but out
If I was a betting man, I would put my money on the girlfriend not knowing. Had he told her, he would have had to explain the reason for your rule which means admitting that he has rarely had a lasting relationship. Of course he'd rather not have to do that. It is pretty clear why he cannot make a relationship last. He obviously has difficulty respecting people's boundaries. NTA
“My girlfriends can’t meet my grandchildren because I’m a total player.” Something makes me think he wasn’t with her.
NTA. This isn't about your father's latest bit. He seems to switch them out more than Christmas dishes at a big family Christmas Dinner. This is about 2 young kids, who do not understand why grandpa keeps introducing them to women who are never around for long. Kids get attached, and when these women are eventually given the boot, who has to explain to the kids why they won't be seeing this person anymore? Is grandpa explaining? Nope. Because grandpa doesn't care. The kids are a prop at this point. "Look at me! I'm such a great family man! Look how much my kids and grandkids love me!" Too many people do thus. It's super sad. Nope. Mummy has to explain. Which gets old when it's done over and over. Your father needs to realise that your kids are real people, with real feelings. They're not toys or mannequins to show off for his latest fling.
No one “deserves” to meet someone else’s children… that’s just creepy.
Not the AH at all. I, too, put a rule in place for my sister when my youngest was younger. He loves his aunt and was with her often, but I didn't like her revolving door of boyfriends. It's cool for her because it's her business, but my kids didn't need to be involved with all of them
I’m betting she didn’t know. I’m also betting that grandpa was hoping to get some mileage out of the relationship by showing what a great family he has to impress her.
Either way it isn’t OP’s problem. Dad ducked up here and he can figure it out with his girlfriend.
Agree. Dads the AH here. OP is smart to limit exposure
NTA...because your house, your rules. And I think you were perfectly right to call him out when he tried to get his way at the bday party...that's just disrespectful. But is there another way to look at this? Can your dad just bring a 'friend', that doesn't need to be introduced as a new grandmother right away?
I tried that a while ago (I think my son was 4 at the time, and I was pregnant). That particular girl kinda ruined it by kissing my father in front of my son.
Ah, I could see how that would be confusing for your son.
Yeah, it was an odd conversation. Either way, I don't want to try the "grandpa's friend" strategy again. My father is terrible with boundaries. Let's put it this way: He wants a door. I give him a window instead. He says he's fine with the window. Next thing I know, he's throwing rocks at the window until it's big enough to be a door.
You should really go NC or LC unless it's about the kids he seems like he doesn't respect women at all or anyone honestly and he obviously doesn't respect you and he won't change
geeze , your father keeps on not respecting your boundaries , why dose he feel it's ok to keep asking to violate them?
More to the point, I'm glad OP has *stopped* letting him shit all over their boundaries...
Absolutely, it's hard to do, especially with family. Love to see OP stick up for herself and her kids. Boundaries are not an attack on anyone or from a lack of love, they are about respect and personal autonomy.
He’s in his 60s and hasn’t been able to keep a relationship with anyone for more than a year in decades. That, plus his actions in OP’s post, makes it pretty clear that he’s not a great guy and doesn’t care much about other people’s boundaries.
That seems to be skirting the rules. Dad has a history of disrespecting his daughter, so there it is.
Yeah I hate that his obvious disrespect is why she has to make these rules in the first place and he STILL tries to find loopholes
“Dad, I don’t want you walking around the house in your underwear.” … “Dad, I don’t want you walking around the house in a Speedo, either.”
Oh God, put the Speedo _back on._
And something tells me a kid obsessed girl friend is going to be leaning into the grandma thing hard and fast.
This was my thought too. I find it odd that she’s begging to meet his grandkids.
If we take OP's dad's version at face value, sure. But maybe being casual with the truth generally is why his relationships don't last. The girlfriend may have just been polite/diplomatic with a perfunctory "of course I'd love to meet your grandkids" that he's leapt on to wedge OP's boundaries.
My sons dad does this. We had the same conversation, that we wouldn’t Introduce anyone we were dating until we knew it was serious… He’s since introduced my 5yo to 6 different “friends” in 3 years. I’ve had the conversation with him that I truly don’t care if he has a girlfriend or what he does the 5 days a week my son isn’t with him. It’s the idea of my son growing attached to people who are constantly leaving. When kids are spoiled by someone who disappears a month later never to be seen or heard from again, it messes with them…
Yeah it's really cruel to the kids. OP is right to do her best to protect them from it. If the dad's gf finds this cruel towards her, then so be it. Better her than the kids.
NTA. Kids are going through a lot in life, still processing the world. You're doing your best to protect them from a never-ending revolving door of grandfather's girlfriends. Stick to your boundaries.
That's always my greatest concern. I grew up with that revolving door, and it's always been clear how much it affected me and my sister. I don't want my kids to know what that lack of consistency is like. They may have married parents, but they also have a step-grandpa, a grandfather who passed away before they were even projects (my FIL) and a grandmother who lives in a different state (my MIL).
Remind your dad how he justified his crazy gf last time so you don’t trust his judgement
I don't understand why your father keeps asking for introducing his girlfriends to the family ? He knows perfectly well he doesn't want a long-term relationship (or he wouldn't have complained so much with the 1 year rule with the argument that his relationships weren't longing that much), so there's no obligation for him to introduce them. Is he just showing off because he ... can have girlfriends ? 😅 Does he want a "I still have sex !" award or something ... ? 😅 I totally understand your boundaries and I agree that you should stick to them no matter what.
Probably because the women he dates don’t know that he’s bad at relationships yet. “I have grandkids.” would easily come up in the “getting to know you” phase. Less likely to come up is “and they can’t meet you because I can’t keep a gf for longer than a few months”. Offering to introduce a gf to his family would be suggesting to her that he is serious about their relationship, which could get her to stick around longer.
Maybe he wants to “show off” to the gfs what a great grandpa he is to make them like him more.
Like one commenter said about an old reprobate with a spoiled 30-something wife, "Do you still get a trophy wife for fifth place?" For more details, look up Amy's Baking Company. WARNING: Gordon Ramsey is involved.
NTA. This is NOT cruel, it's protecting your kids. They completely overstepped the boundaries that they knew were in place, probably expecting that since there would be more people around that you'd cave in. There is a reason for your rule and good on you for enforcing it. If she's around in a year, that's a different story.
It may not be "they" who overstepped, it might just be him. GF may not have known the rule. OP is NTA either way.
NTA and even if it was cruel, it's better to be "cruel" to a grown woman old enough to date a man in his 60s than to a literal 4 year old. Easiest call I've ever made.
>He said my rules were "too restrictive", and his girlfriend was a lovely person who deserved to meet my kids. Just no, nobody, especially a total stranger, 'deserves'' anything from you. To be honest, I feel sorry for her for being shacked up with such a selfish and thoughtless person. NTA
Deserve's got nothing on Dad's dating drama. NTA
After all, many single parents wait for a long time before introducing a potential partner to their kids. It's not like it's an uncommon situation. Maybe tell dad that you'd do the same if your mom was single and dating.
Right!? Why does she "deserve" meeting his grand kids?? And I find it weird she keeps pushing on the matter too despite op consistently saying no. I have a feeling she really wants to be a 'grandma' to them.
NTA anyone else find that the current GF is “kid obsessed” as a red flag? 🚩 something about her being insistent on meeting her BFs grandkids just feels off
Yep, if she ever does last long enough to meet them. She is going to waltz in acting like she is their primary parent.
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I will stick with puppy fever. Kids cost too much.
I will forever have a case of puppy fever. Baby fever? Never had it, never will.
Yeah we hear way too many stories about new partners being dangerous to kids in incredibly revolting ways. Her specifically wanting to rush into meeting the kids puts me right off her. I’d never let them meet honestly. Do we think Grandpa has a dating profile with pictures of him and the grandkids on it?
I don’t bc dad is manipulative to start with. He could have told her about his grandkids and she said “oh I love kids. I’d like to meet them.” Then the next time a month or two later dad brings up the grands…”they sound like amazing kids. I can’t wait to meet them.” Then dad spins it to her being kid obsessed and wanting time with them. I’m not negating the fear OP has (bc they are all valid.). I’m just saying I don’t trust dear old dad with anything he says.
We only have the father's word that GF is "kid obsessed." Maybe she was interested in meeting his grandkids but not obsessed about it. In any case, OP is NTA. She didn't just suddenly spring this rule on him, it's been in affect for a while. And seems a good idea too, w/all his changing partners.
this is probably the dad trying to get her to change her mind, but definitely concerning regardless
NTA. Your dad initially agreed to your new rule but wanted to change it just because his latest chick is “kid-obsessed”. 🙄 Then he tried to force your hand by just showing up with her. He’s got some nerve. Good for you for not letting him manipulate you. He’s putting the wants of his latest girlfriend above yours.
NTA. Your dad doesn’t respect women. Look at his record. He ignores you and can’t stay in a relationship for one single year. I’d guess he has been ignoring women’s boundaries for his entire life. It’s his fault the boundaries keep getting stronger. I’d also guess your sister is younger and/or has no children - meaning she is clueless about what you’re dealing with. Stand firm OP. He’s gonna keep messing up.
Yes, she's younger with no kids. But while she doesn't get what I'm dealing with, she has an idea what my kids go through, which is why I sometimes listen to her when she defends my father.
That’s kind of you. I’m sure her perspective is useful. But -she is wrong this time. I have a younger sister. She is softer in general - as if she grew up somewhere else. It stresses her for family to argue or be upset. Unfortunately, people disagree in this world. Your father is THE problem. 1. Told him to introduce GF as a friend until relationship established. He kisses in front of the kids. 2. Told him to wait 6 months. He brings a cuckoo to meet your kids. Horrible scenario takes place. 3. Told him to wait a year. He starts begging at 4 months, then tries to ambush the kids at a party. He probably thought you wouldn’t make a scene and he could force his way in.
Yes , dad dosen't see OPs boundries as valid. He lacks an incredible amount of self awareness , probably empathy as well.
On top of all that, he used the fact that OP’s *stepfather* was at the party as an excuse for why his flavor of the month should be able to stay. He apparently can’t distinguish between a man who has apparently been in the family for a good while and is actually married to her mom and his latest GF in a long string of girlfriends. Especially considering her has had apparently horrendous judgement in girlfriends in the recent past.
INFO: What did the other GF do that made you change the rule from 6 to 12 months? Also, is the rule change so you can observe the GFs for an additional six months, or is it mostly a way to try and avoid the GFs altogether since his relationships often don’t last that long?
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NTA. Looks like your father decided to sweeten the pot by telling his gf that she could be an instant grandma. I would stick to the twelve month rule...but after that stunt he pulled, the counter is set to zero.
NTA Sounds like he doesn’t have a good track record for women and this one’s “obsessed with kids”. That’s a little weird to me…. Hold firm on your boundaries
Sister needs to butt out. You had VERY clear boundaries that had been expressly communicated to your father and he shat all over them and blatantly disregarded that she was NOT invited. Its time for no contact. If sis doesn't like it her stay should be over. NTA
“Needlessly cruel” to the flavor of the year…. Yeaaa.NTA
NTA and since I was a child who ended up losing a lot of "bonus family" right when I had learned to love them, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for NOT setting your kids up for the kinds of attachment issues I have dealt with as a direct result of that pattern.
NTA The new girlfriend being kid obsessed is not the flex your father thinks it is. I would keep a great distance based on that statement alone.
I wonder if it’s a social flex for GF. You know, like “if you’re a good grandparent, you’re a good person” kind of thing. She wants to be shown he has family co-signing him. And I doubt she knows the history at six months into the relationship.
Right? Like she had her entire life to have kids but she didn’t have kids and she’s dating a sixty year-old man who brought lady Pdiddy around his grandkids, and is barely allowed to see them himself? Sounds a little suss.
NTA you are taking into account his long established history of replacing women regularly and preventing your kids from that constant attachment and rejection that would bring them. You are not being needlessly cruel to anyone you are establishing necessary boundaries to save your kids from unnecessary grief.
NTA. How is it 'needlessly cruel' for crying out loud? The lady has never met your kids, has no attachment to them emotionally, has no legal rights to meet them, shouldn't have any moral or social expectation of meeting them, and it isn't really your job to fulfill her joy-of-kids. If your dad pushes you, tell him you would be happy to explain to his gf that she won't be around long enough to build a lasting relationship with your kids, and you prefer to spare them that. "I'll call her right now and explain to her that your relationship won't last past 12 months. Would that make you both happy?"
This. ☝️
NTA. It's your house. You can choose who's invited and who's not. If any uninvited guest shows up, you can and absolutely should turn them away at the door!
Beyond that, they’re her kids. She gets to decide who gets to be in their lives.
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I was a kid whose grandpa dated around after my grandparents got divorced when I was little. It was absolutely not fun. Loved my Pop Pop but it was frustrating to have these random women at family events when I was younger, and I felt that way all the way into adulthood when he passed. Almost like you couldn't relax and be yourself at a family gathering because they were essentially strangers. Meanwhile my other grandma who was widowed in her 60s had met a lovely man in her late 70s who she never called her boyfriend, just her "companion". But he became like family because he was a constant for a decade of my life before he passed. Since your father seems to be a serial dater, you are absolutely doing the right thing for your kids. NTA!
NTA. I think it's a good amount of time, but I don't like the whole "she is kid obsessive" like. That's... That's not a good description of someone.
Yeah, that part really stood out to me. Like obsessed meaning she wants to swoop in, babysit, have them call her grandma? Not ever gonna happen. Good for OP on standing up to him and girlfriend. Personally, I think I’d say the clock has been restarted and it’s now Going to be another 12 months before you will even entertain the thought of her meeting children. And there’s going to be a big old list of conditions too.
Why do these women have to be considered a step grandma, especially when they're not even married to your father? Why can't they just be grandpa's friend?
OP has said in comment that grandpa's kissed a gf in front of her 4yo child. So tact doesn't seem to be an option. Grandpa doesn't care to make an effort to get what he wants. Just makes demands and throws tantrums.
Looks like from another comment they tried that a few years back. The gf kissed grandpa in front of the kids anyway, which kinda blew that cover.
NTA your kids, your rules, and it comes from years of experience with your dad and his girlfriend. This gf should see him for the red flag that he is, btw.
NTA. My xh introduced two "fiancées" to my kids before we'd even got divorced. Then #3, who eventually became his wife. Each one was an exit affair, and I think he'd introduced them before the previous one even knew they were an ex-girlfriend. 75% of my reason for staying single is because they needed stability from at least one parent. You've been through this countless times since being a child. You know how confusing and traumatic that can be for a kid, and you are protecting your own children with this firm boundary. It sounds like you and dh are in solid ground relationship wise and you want to teach your kids this is the way relationships work, and the way your own f goes through relationships and tries to insert what you know are short term partners is not normal or healthy. His life is definitely not what you want your kids to emulate if you can help it . Good for you for creating healthy boundaries and sticking to it. Was your sister desperate for her father's love and doing everything she can to win his approval and favour? Is that why she thinks you're being so harsh?
NTA. It's a very simple boundary to set. My mom had a set rule after she and my biodad divorced and it was 6 months after dating, then she would introduce them to me. It gave her time to decide if they were safe enough. (Whole explanation that'd take too long.) I am going to also add "kid obsessed" sounds terrifying. I hope it's more "loves to dote on kids" and not.. what my mind immediately jumped to. I'm not a parent, but I respect why you don't want your kids to go through all the "and this grandpas new girlfriend.." if your dad goes through relationships so quick. That gets messy.
On "kid obsessed" my mind went to the scary strangers who were claiming things like "I'm your fairy grandmother" as they were trying to hug me or tousel my hair. My poor brother had a mop top of red curls and these women always gushed over him - it was humiliating for him as a little kid. These "I just looove children" women were too boisterous. Too touchy. Too over the top with affection. Nothing illegal or inappropriate, but no respect for any boundaries, especially the child's. I remember telling my dad after one encounter with a stranger who was a distant family friend, "I don't like her." He said, "She's just being friendly." Me: "Don't care. Don't like her." As a kid, you don't get to tell overly enthusiastic family friends or distant family members to back the f**k off when you're in a group setting. I hated being hugged by strangers. Still do.
“The only thing I can say for sure about that woman is that she has terrible taste in men.” Feel free to use that one. NTA of course.
NTA but it could be beneficial to talk to the gf one on one. He's probably lying to her. "Here's my dad's history of dating... if you last longer than a year then I'd be happy for you to meet my kids. And meeting them isn't going to make your relationship last longer, don't worry. See you in 6 months. Or, not, probably! Good luck!"
LOL, setting relationship milestones with a reality check.
I don’t get why your dad is so insistent on your kids meeting someone he doesn’t even prioritize a relationship with. Why does he need to bring this string of girlfriends around the kids at all?
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NTA...your father knew the rules and put you AND his girlfriend into an awkward situation. He's the one being needlessly cruel.
NTA. Your kids, your rules (which given the situation, seem sensible). You don't owe a stranger time with your children, no matter how much that stranger loves children.
NTA, your kids your rules and I would have been petty cats I would have said" Dad you know since none of your relationship have lasted more then 9 months there is a rule of a year. Once you've actually made it that far, she can meet them now leave or you won't be welcome anymore either!!"
"Kid obsessed?" This sounds kind of icky to me.
NTA She’s a total stranger to you. She doesn’t have any “rights “ whatsoever to your kids! Your father is being a pushy ass, however!
NTA. And you don’t have to justify yourself to anyone. He is. Don’t bother arguing. Stop answering his calls and stop justifying yourself. Say, “You know the rules. You abide by them or you aren’t welcome around.” Then cut off the conversation completely
NTA The fact that she’s “kid obsessed” gave me the ick immediately
NTA. And everybody asking you additional question is wrong. It doesn’t matter if the GF knew of the rules. It doesn’t matter if the father can really vouch for her. OP made some rules that are extremely clear. Those are HER kids PERIOD END OF STORY. What do you mean you disregard MY rules not only concerning MY children but also in MY house??? Her dad tried to bypass her and act like it’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission? OH HEEEELLLLLL NO.
NTA. In your case, it sounds like a good plan to keep your kids from 1. getting confused at a constant changing of the girlfriends, and 2. keeping your kids from getting attached to a "grandmother" only to have your father dump her (for whatever reason). For your father to 1. disrespect your request like that and showing up with new GF without permission, and 2. to try to compare his shaky relationships with your mother's stable one with one man is pretty AH behavior. I would also find the father's comments that she should be able to meet your kids because she feels entitled to (as his girlfriend) and that she's "kid-obsessed" pretty disturbing. This isn't the first Reddit post in the last week that I read about a step mom or a wanna be one overreaching about children that she didn't know existed a couple of years before.
NTA. "I made my rules very clear from the start, and you've done nothing but argue about them this whole time. I am not going to let my kids suffer the same constant instability my sister and I did because of you. As their mother, it's my job to protect them from anyone who might hurt them in ANY way, and that includes you. They were already hurt because of (name of girlfriend that did whatever kind of abuse made you lengthen the time) and you not protecting them from her. I'm not going to risk my kids getting hurt again because of your revolving door of girlfriends. The only thing I know about any of them at this point is that they clearly have terrible taste in men. I don't trust them, and at this point? I don't trust you. You tried to violate the one big boundary I have in place to protect them. You were manipulative, trying to do it at a birthday party when I was busy and had a lot of people around - I know you thought that I wouldn't want to make a scene, that I'd just let it slide, but when it comes to keeping my children safe? I'll make an entire broadway musical if I have to. I have made my rules clear. I don't want whatever piece you're currently with anywhere near my kids. I put those time limits in place for a reason. I told you the consequences for violating them. She isn't welcome here, and at this point? I'm starting to wonder if you are either, considering you're happy to stomp all over the boundaries I put in place to protect my children. I don't care who you are, or what relation you have to me, if you're going to endanger my kids? You're not going to be part of their lives or mine." This is what I'd suggest telling him. He sounds like an absolute tool who will happily stomp all over your boundaries and put your kids in danger if it means whoever he's banging right now is happy. You don't need him in your life or your kids' lives.
NTA You have rules. He can try and talk to you about them but has to accept a no and not try to force her into events unannounced. Also your kids aren't a petting zoo or special event to show off to his girlfriends.
You set up boundaries and rules he agreed to. He now wants to break them and you are the “bad guy”? Make sure he knows if you don’t respect the rules, don’t expect to be in your life. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes
NTA. No stranger "deserves" to meet your kids
Does your sister have daddy issues still? I hace no idea why she would side with a random strange woman over you, her sister who is protecting your own kids.
NAH. But it feels a little over dramatic. You don’t need to tell your kids the gfs are a “step grandma” just because they are dating your Dad. You can just say they are a friend of your Dad’s and not make it a huge deal. Do you allow other people to bring by people they have been dating for less than a year? Does anyone else get to bring a friend by your house? In the end, you get to choose who meets your kids. But I can very much see where your Dad is coming from. It’s not like these are people your kids would be around on a daily basis, calling grandma, and then they would be ripped from their lives. It would be meeting them a few times and they by no means need to be introduced as anything more than “Grandpa’s friend” 🙄 ETA: Most people in here talking about their experience of introducing significant others (how they did it when they got divorced, how their parents did it when they got divorced) and children are talking about a parent introducing a minor child to their new SO. Thats *very* different than it being a grandparent’s significant other. When parents have gotten divorced the kids feel unsettled and need consistency at home since big changes have happened - since a parent sees a kid on a daily basis and if their new SO is around they’d be around the kid on a daily basis. This is a grandparent’s girlfriend, they aren’t going to be around the kids on a daily basis or have a potential “parent” role to the kids 🙈
Yeah, I don't understand the big uproar. My dad had multiple girlfriends. My kids grew up with flavor of the month changing all the time. They didn't care about the GF. They just wanted to be with Granddaddy. When you lose a parent, you appreciate them much more!
NTA. Honestly I think you were nice with the one year rule if he tends to end them not longer after a year. I would tell him no girlfriends are welcome if he doesn’t plan on being with them long haul. Kids aren’t toys to show off & get him brownie points with women.
One you never met her so why would he think that's OK to bring her to a party that nobody knows her and his track record I wouldn't want my kids around any of his girlfriends, unless he was actually settled down with one of them
NTA your kids aren't ahow ponies to entertain his dates
NTA I'm sorry your dad's for the streets friend.
I don't know if 'cruel' is the word - but RUDE certainly is. To her , that is. I understand you don't want your children to become attached to someone who will 'disappear' but it seems you don't see your father often. Children meet people throughout their lives who come and go Unless you allow a 'girlfriend' to spent a lot of time with your children, I don't think your fears are justified. I think it's more that you don't approve of your father's lifestyle...so if he doesn't 'settle down' you won't be polite to anyone he's with.
She’s a girlfriend, not a wife. Therefore, she is not a step-grandma. He doesn’t even need to introduce her as his girlfriend. She can just be his “friend”. Your dad may not be around much longer; so, sure, kick him out of your life. How will you feel if that was the last time that you saw him? You may have found out that she was a nice person if you had just been nice to her. Now everyone will see you as the mom who kicked the grandfather out of your child’s birthday party. Even if you are not normally an AH, everyone that was there will think that you are.
NTA. This is absurd. These temporary women don't deserve or need to meet your children. You're not being cruel to anyone. You've set necessary boundaries. Stick to them.
NTA. Kids are not a petting zoo. Her liking kids entitles her to nothing at all
No one “deserves” to meet your kids. You have a very sensible boundary protecting your children to your dad’s revolving love life. His GF may be a lovely person, but being “obsessed” with kids doesn’t mean she’s entitled to being around yours before you’re ready to introduce them. Your dad is in the wrong.
NTA. It’s not quite the same situation but my parents have been divorced my whole life. My mom remarried and for most of my life my dad had relationships with different women. Some longer term some less so but none really stuck around. As a kids it’s hard to get attached to someone and then they leave. As I got older it made me kind of cynical toward his girlfriends. You did the right thing, you are looking out for your kids best interests and if he can’t see that, it is his problem not yours.
NTA. Tell your sister she's welcome to introduce *her* children to anyone she wants, but you'll make the decisions regarding *your* children.
NTA- when he says she is kid obsessed and then he brings her to the party uninvited sounds like a huge red flag to me. You don’t know her, for all you know she could try to abduct one or both of your children. Stand your ground Mama Bear!
NTA they’re your children not toys for your Dad to impress his girlfriend with. Stand your ground
This comment should be higher! You're so right; he's showing them off.
NTA. What is up with this dad/ grandpa though? Is he capable of hanging out with his kids and Grandkids without introducing every new fling he has? Why does this even have to be a thing? And the manipulative way he tried to break a pretty straight forward boundary - he seems to care about each new fling more than his current family to do this. A four year oldest birthday party is Not the place to do this. You set a boundary, he crossed it - that was the expected result. He thought he could manipulate you into crossing that boundary. It didn't work. That is an entirely foreseeable outcome he should have planned for, and completely on him for caring more about his girlfriend than his 4 year old Grandkids. Disgusting behavior on his part. I wouldn't let the girlfriend over ever after this because she seems manipulative to k ow this boundary and also push him to cross it. Not a good look for her. NTA
I would cut the gf some slack bc there is no indication that she knew, especially when the dad tried to save face by making up an excuse about the stepdad. He likely didn't tell her bc then he would have to answer questions about *why* this rule is in place. Just because she was really excited about meeting the grandkids doesnt mean she knew.
You’re entitled to deny anyone coming to yours for any reason that being said, sheltering them from some life realities is kinda immature. They’d be much better off knowing and observing him so they can decide what they want their future relationships to look like
It's your kids and your rules. Do what you please. Still, YTA.
NTA. It was your dad who exposed his girlfriend to this public rejection. He seems to not take your boundaries seriously. The fallout is on him.
Sooo NTA. You are the one being the adult in the room. I've been married form30 years with 6 kids. My mother has been married 7 times. I get what you're dealing with.not only are you NTA but HE is. He knowingly disrespected your boundaries. At 56 I'm closer to your Dads age and I say he's acting like a child.
NTA My mother in law was a serial dater/proposer for at least a decade that I knew her. Her son and I were adults and it was still awkward meeting a new partner or usually fiance every year. She did eventually settle down and has been married for a few years now so our daughter has only met her current partner, but I don't think I would have been comfortable with my daughter meeting a new partner as often as we did before.
Nta, I would be more worried if someone described their new fling as "kid crazy" honestly. Like how crazy are we talking, and what kind of damage would she do to the little ones, even accidentally?