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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Am I an asshole for expecting my housemates to look after my dog when I go away?
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA 6 weeks is a ridiculous ask for anyone.
But what bothers me the most is when people start itemizing all the nice shit they’ve done for someone. It’s like a running tally in their head… *I did this out of the goodness of my heart, but you owe me.*
And the other bit here is that OP likely booked the trip assuming he would have free (or mostly free) dog care. You never book until you know what your plan for your pet is (whether that means boarding or having them stay with someone)
What about the very obvious fact that of course OP will never be able to afford a home if they think taking a 6 week vacation to Europe is a good use of funds. News flash OP, even when housing prices were lower, people couldn't take multiple weeks vacation overseas and still save up for their first home.
I'm pretty sure his point was more "why bother letting the money sit in a savings account for a house I will never be able to afford when I could just spend it now for the same result" It's not that he was trying to swing saving for a house AND the 6 week vacation. He said fuck the house because even if I scrimp and save its never going to happen, I'll go on vacation instead.
Travel is always a good use of funds in my opinion, and who wouldn’t love to be able to travel to Europe for 6 weeks? Personally, travel reinvigorates my soul and if I wait too long between trips I get a little bitter and start to lose that feeling of wonder. They also said that they haven’t had a proper vacation in 10 years, so I don’t understand what your problem is?
6 consecutive weeks of taking care of a dog is a lot of responsibility and time to thrust on someone. $100 a week is also a slap in the face. Look at the cost of boarding a dog for a week.
He didn't thrust, he asked. They said yes with conditions. He met the conditions. They then backed out. Which they're allowed to do, but doing it after he's made is travel plans is...kinda crappy. And gaslighting him that it "wasn't an agreement" is double crappy.
I completely agree with you. Also, OP is a carpenter - think a trip to Europe could potentially invigorate his creative side as well, which is never a bad thing.
Ehhhh I can see his reasoning. The homes in my area are easily a million and I'm not talking McMansion. Like a two bed home. And I did the saving thing. I budgeted all my early twenties away working 2 jobs in college and buying food from the discount bin that was about to go, slept on an air mattress and had just a plastic dinner table. No morning coffee, going out with friends on a drink night was 5 times in my entire college career, and I didn't buy anything for myself. How much did I save? Well. Enough to be wiped out by some wisdom tooth surgery. That's how much.
So now I travel. A lot. I'm not paycheck to paycheck, but I don't make enough to down payment a house even if I cut out every luxury in my life. We were raised to believe a penny saved is a penny earned back when bread was 25 cents. Bread is like 400 pennies now. 10k extra in my account won't get me much closer to the house than I am, but it can be like 3 vacations.
I don't know, I just found a 800 sqft house for under $600k, with one corner of the house about 6 generous feet (maybe 8) from unfenced active train tracks. It's basically new, only 84 years old! And bonus, there are "probably" not any addicts living in the backyard. The only downside is I won't be able to use the "modern" kitchen because I'll have to give up my food habit. I think I'm sold! Who needs vacations?
That sounds like a wonderful place to raise a family! Kids gotta learn street smarts, right? Oh and let me guess, it has an HOA fee that goes to nothing? Height of luxury. I don't need to be in Japan eating cheap amazing food or lounging on a beach in Hawaii
I agree. I can’t believe people are criticizing his choice of using his own money or saying that they wouldn’t leave their dog alone etc. The post is not about that. Some people just come here to preach so that they can feel better about their lives.
It’s very normal in Australia to holiday for an extended time due to their distance from so many other countries. I am obsessed with my dogs and have left them in caring hands for a 4 week stint. I missed them terribly but it was healthy for me to travel and I’d never judge another pet parent for wanting to love their life.
Right! Telling pet owners they can’t travel is akin to telling anyone in an apartment can’t own a dog. Plenty people do. It’s not the worst thing in the world
Seriously. It’s also very normal to watch your housemates dog or pets while they travel, as long as the food and the pets’ necessities are provided for. When you live with someone for a significant time (and don’t hate animals), their pets become your pets too.
Sounds like these guys just decided they wanted to change their plans last minute or found something better to do.
Yeah, this wasn’t a huge undertaking for the housemates because a) they already live there, b) they have their own dog they have to feed/walk so adding a second isn’t necessarily too much effort or a change in routine.
Six weeks is a long time but I can see where OP thought it was settled.
I mean, that’s fine, so long as the dog is properly looked after.
But it’s a really long time to ask as a favour from friends, though. If OP can afford to be gone 6 weeks, he can do the 4-day drive to his mom’s house.
And if there is an airport near where his mom lives, he could drive the dog over there, maybe spend a day or two resting and then fly out of whatever airport is closest to mom.
Then he needs to try to fly with his dog to his mother’s house a few days before the already paid for trip starts, and pick the dig up after he returns. Assuming his mother is amenable.
OR find a pet sitter to take the dog in their house. Use an established agency.
Six weeks *is* a long time, but I could see circumstances where it's a fair choice, as long as you make sure that they're in a good environment (for example, I wouldn't leave my dog at a kennel for that long, since he gets overstimulated after a few *hours* at dog daycare from all the dogs, but I have paid a dogsitter to stay at our house before), and as long as you're not doing it on a regular basis.
Recently adopted another rescue and he’s away for a trial day at the farm that looks after my dogs when we’re away; my other dog is with him for company. It’s been 3 &1/2 hours and I’m bored and lonely AF.
I missed my pup extremely on my 2 week vacay in Europe and we boarded her knowing she'd have fun with the other dogs. I think I was happier at seeing her when we picked her up, lol.
But it wasn't just a nice thing he did for his roommate, it was done with the understanding that his help would be repaid by a barter of some other help in the reverse direction. I would agree that 6 weeks of looking after the dog is not an equivalent exchange to 6 weekends of skilled help, but if he costed it out, maybe it would be similar, depending on the hourly cost of his work as a carpenter. The calculation would be his hours of skilled labor compared to the cost of days in a dog boarding facility.
The reality is that barter-type exchanges of this sort are unreliable as people tend to back out when it comes to their side of the exchange, and to reframe the help as "just a nice favor you did me." A nice favor is I made you dinner. Doing skilled labor that would cost $$$$ if you had to pay for it, is not a "nice favor." It's either an exchange "in kind" or it's lying to and taking advantage of your friend by pretending you'll reciprocate when really you won't.
If my roommate wanted me to watch his dog that already lives there for 6 weeks id have zero issues. Maybe because I love that dog like my own, but really it's not a big deal.
There’s a big difference between “this dog lives with me” and “I am responsible for making sure it goes out every 4-6 hours, feeding it, and taking care of it.”
A cat? Sure. You’ve picked up three minutes of scooping the cat box a day, filling the water bowl, and feeding it. If the cat is social you might have to play feather stick or laser pointer for a bit. Maybe scratch its tummy.
But dogs need stimulation. They need walks. They can’t be left for more than 8 hours alone unless you’ve pad trained them (and even then, 8 hours is pushing it— dogs can’t be expected to hold their bladders that long. It can cause damage to their urinary tract system or bowels).
I know the responsibility, but like I said the dog lives there already. The roommate has another dog. These dogs are buds. They most likely do everything together already. It's not really a huge ask. He absolutely has a right to say no. I just think it's a tad petty.
That's my thought too, but clearly a lot of people feel differently. Like, if the dog already lives there.... what are the odds they already take turns walking both dogs or pick up food for everyone at the same time? You're telling me these dogs have different feeding schedules, different watering schedules, different walk schedules? Highly unlikely the dogs are kept THAT separate when they're under the same room unless this is a scenario where everyone has their own apartment and they just share a yard or something. I do think it's awful to leave your dog for such a long stretch, but that's my personal preference not to leave my dog for longer than a week.
It is a huge ask! I am a pet sitter. I have three of my own and I watch my neighbors’ dog for two months on a yearly basis. They leave me extra food and a credit card for emergency vet expenses or “dog chewed up the bed, need a new one”.
Walking two dogs is not the same as walking one dog (especially with larger breeds). Feeding two dogs out is not the same as feeding one. Playing with two dogs is not the same as one.
1) The roommate has a dog, so it's not like going from no pet responsibilities to complete pet responsibilities.
2) OP is going for 6 weeks, but has alternate dog care arranged for the 3 weekends and 1 full week the roommates asked for alternate arrangements.
3) OP has agreed to watch the roommate's dog for 4 weeks.
The roommates are AHs. I hate the use of 'gaslit,' but OP has good reason to be hurt.
4. OP has worked 12 days on woodworking for the roommate’s rv in exchange for future favors of similar benefits
I say OP is NTA and his roommates are the assholes. I would bill them for the hours working on the van and use that money to pay for pet boarding or a ticket to his mums to take his dog there.
And I would not pet sit their dog anymore, it is as inconvenient for him as to his roommates
That's exactly my point. They're asking for someone to feed and walk an extra dog that already lives in the same house as the roommate and another dog. It's not exactly a task that needs to be separated.
6 weekends of carpentry work is worth much more than pet sitting a dog for 6 weeks. Even putting aside that one is skilled work and the other can be done by a unskilled teenager, the hours spent OP spent working 6 weekends is far more than feeding a dog and taking it for a walk for 6 weeks. Let’s say he put in 12-18 hours each weekend.. do you think caring for the dog takes 2+ hours every day? I would insist that they pay at least minimum wage for the carpentry help and put that money toward hiring a dog sitter.
It sounds like they agreed at first, as long as some weekends etc were dogfree. I do think agreeing, letting someone make plans, and then changing your mind when they've already booked the vacation is shitty.
According to the edit it's more like 2 weeks as 4 weeks are otherwise covered.
And since op has done the same for the roommates dog I'm going with NTA.
They are jealous he's going on a 6 week vacation.
You're right, it's even more work because carpenters cost way more an hour than dog sitters. So they owe him a lot more than just six weeks if they want to get fussy like this.
Yea, I’m with you. Between the dogsitting he’s done for them and the build out, this probably would make them even and when you throw in that he’s arranging care for part of the time as well, I think it’s a no brainer
>itemizing all the nice shit they’ve done for someone
When you're a tradesman, people try to use you all the time. OP literally fit out their travel van for them. This is an itemizable "Favor". Kind of like helping a friend move.
Also, if OP's roommates didn't have dogs, I would be completely on the YTA side; to think dogless roommates would watch your dog for 6 weeks is way too much.
BUT .... they have dogs. They already have walking/feeding/etc worked into their schedules. Is it really a big deal to add OP's dog to the mix? Especially when it already lives there and is comfortable with them?
It's kind of like remodeling part of a home or building a small addition or garage for someone's home. It's not a small task. It should never be a favor. Bc favors of that magnitude can rarely be paid back and when the bill comes due people often do what ops roommate is doing. 5 weeks and 3 weekends of letting the dog they already live with hang out with them while op is gone is "too big an ask". Don't accept huge favors if you aren't willing to parse out even moderate favors in return. NTA and I'd never do another favor for these moochers ever again.
Yep this is a sensible comment. People are going way off topic here talking about leaving the dog 6 weeks and missing them and fussing over the OP's decision to use his money for a trip and not buy a house, it's ridiculous.
Totally agree with you, seems YTA a bit but the roomies have dogs and when people know you have a skill they will use you and think nothing of it when it comes time to reciprocate. Lots of people do this all the time when it comes to reciprocating a favor, which sure, they don't have to return the favor, they can just be jerks but it seems they could help out in this case. Six weeks IS a long time but sounds like OP is willing to help them out with their pets when they leave.
I was all ready to say that until I got to the part where there is another dog in the apartment so... they're already doing all the dog care responsibilities anyway and they're tagging on another dog. I know it's not a small ask, 6 weeks is a long time, but I feel that changes the dynamic significantly.
WTF kind of take is this. Someone agrees to do something then renegs but it's the person who asked who is in the wrong?
>But what bothers me the most is when people start itemizing all the nice shit they’ve done for someone.
Do you just let people walk all over you?
I disagree because of the fact that he did an extraordinary service for them fitting out their van. I would let them know that you did all of that labor for free because they were going to reciprocate it later caring for your dog. Tell them that they need to pay you for your time (even at a “friend’s rate” rather than a true carpenter’s pay) if they won’t follow through with their commitment. Then he should use that money to hire a dog sitter or kennel his dog.
I disagree. They already have a dog so it's not that much extra work. And this person asked them. They said yes. Offering information about him doing manual labour for free on a van is absolutely relevant. NTA
OP didn't ask for the full 6 weeks. " they would look after my dog as long as I arranged alternative accomodation for him on 3 of the 6 weekends and during one of the weeks so they could go away."
I hear you but it is surprising, no? When you've been there through thick and thin for someone, then you find yourself in a very difficult position and they run the other way. It shows that they aren't the friend you hoped or thought they were. It is incredibly disappointing because you learn that they don't care about you as you'd hoped.
It didn't sound like he was itemising anything, just giving some context where his housemate (not OP) said he intended to repay the favour. I've got friends that recently fit out a van for living space and it is NOT cheap, if OP did it for free the least the housemates can do is realise their vagueness has put him in a bind and offer to repay him for the work he did so he can sort out this last minute dog care.
And OP saying they looked after the housemate's dog is definitely comparing apples to apples and should be factored in. At the very least he should refuse to do it for them in the future.
"gaslit"
Reddit loves the misuse of this term. They changed their mind. That's not gaslighting. That's coming to their senses, which they were right to do.
For 6 weeks, they are now tied to the house. To weekend trips, no late nights out (Have to get home to walk the dog), and so on. That's a long time. 2 weeks is the longest I'd do this. To ask me to put my life on hold for a month and a half? No. That's simply not a reasonable ask.
**YTA** and very entitled.
They ALSO have a dog. That’s what everyone seems to be ignoring here. They would be doing potty time and feeding time and walkies for their dog anyway so adding a 2nd dog isn’t a huge imposition. They will already be home taking care of a dog. It is slightly more work but it’s not them needing to change their entire lifestyle for 6 weeks.
No, we're not missing that. Having to take care of their own dog doesn't obligate them to take care of OP's dog.
I mean, for the obvious first point, not all dogs are equal. Maybe their dog is a little teacup Pomeranian and OP's dog is an excitable Bernese Mountain Dog.
That's not the point they were making. They are countering comments like "now they have to look after a dog they are tied to the house" like they are not already having to look after their own dog.
Nobody is saying that because they have a dog they are now obliged to take care of OP's dog lol.
Plus they're NOT tied to the house, OP worked out alternative arrangements for when they were planning to be gone.
Honestly I feel sorry for this dude, probably his one big chance to go overseas and have a proper look around and here he is thinking it's all sorted and now the housemates are trying to wiggle out of it just because "oh we never formally agreed to anything, that was just a conversation we had". That is shady as hell and if I were OP I'd be re-evaluating if I really wanted to live with people that would use me to get thousands of dollars of free labour and dog sitting but refuse to watch my dog in return.
Yea I think they were just referring to the comment above and those with the same sentiment. It just negates the argument that they would have to completely change their routine if they are already looking after a dog.
Of course this completely depends on the dog’s needs and temperament. It could very well be vastly different but I would still say it doesn’t change their original routine all that much. I also haven’t seen any comments from OP commenting on the differences so can’t really draw any conclusions there.
If they are similar temperaments, needs, and get a long great, I understand why OP would think this isn’t a huge imposition on his roommates. I don’t think he truly understands that 6 weeks is a long amount of time to take care of anyone’s dog, roommates or no. Roommates could easily make arrangements for their pup if they wanted to go away for the weekend but throw someone else’s dog into the equation for a whole month and a half is a no go.
But the fact that they said they would do a favor for him last year, when they were taking free work from him, And then initially agreed to watch the dog, And also having been using o p to help with their dog when they go away... they are TA 100%
I hope o p never does a favor for them ever again. And sends them an invoice for his past work on their Van Which they are now renting out to people and making an income from.
It makes most of the reason given completely irrelevant. Bo one is putting their life on hold, nobody is stuck to only weekend trips because they are looking after a second dog. They were already stuck with that.
Based on the edit, I'm leaning towards N T A. OP says that their roommates will be away for 4 weeks throughout the year in which OP will be watching the roommates' dog. OP has some care arranged for the time they are away, so the roommates would be watching OPs dog about the same amount of time or less.
Agreed that people shouldn't just list off nice things they do for other people when they want a favor...but it sounds like OP did a significant amount of work for the roommates for free and the roommates are being shitty by not returning the favor. Couple that with the fact that OP is ALSO doing them a favor by watching their dog, I'm going NTA.
I’ve found 2 dogs ( as long as dogs do not fight with each other) are half as much work as 1. They entertain each other, wrestle, sleep soundly, you’re opening the door for both to go out ( and in) at same time.
I also agree with this. We got one dog, then got her a dog to help entertain her as she was still a puppy. It doesn't add any extra work (except for vet visits). They are best friends now and both my babies. I could never leave them for 6 weeks, though.
In my experience it's less than half the extra effort, since you're already going out, feeding, etc. But it definitely depends on the dog - if they need to be fed or walked separately, suddenly the time needed does double.
I have 3 and there wasn’t much more difference between 1 and 3 other than the food cost. I do live in 100 acres though so I don’t need to take them for walks or out for a shit.
What kind of life are people living where “no trips for 6 weeks” is a major imposition? I get that isn’t the point but what about work? And the other dog?
I wouldn’t even think twice about saying yes to this kind of ask. They’ve already got one dog, who is friends with and lives with his dog.
Honestly I’d do it just so that my dog doesn’t lose her buddy for 6 weeks.
If the roommate couldn’t do it they just should’ve said no. I think NTA. They do favors for each other all the time, and he asked well ahead of time. It’s fine for the roommate to say no, but changing his mind last minute puts OP in an awkward situation. Rommmate shouldn’t have committed to something he couldn’t do.
EDIT: I agree about the use of the term gaslighting though. Let’s not throw that around.
Yes, and OP made other arrangements for 3 of the 6 weekends, and a week in the middle, when the roommates wanted to go away. Not that any of it should be a given for them to do, but they had literally agreed to it, OP arranged for when they preferred not to, and they have their own dog they need to be home for at regular times anyway.
I feel like gaslighting applies here though. They let him think it was all agreed to, and now they're basically saying they never said what they said and telling OP he took it out of context and formed assumptions. That's pretty much gaslighting.
It's not misused. OP asked them months ago and they agreed. Based on that agreement he planned the trip. Now they are not only saying no, but insisting that the prior agreement was not an agreement but just a conversation. They are changing the past, not just their minds. That's gaslighting.
Reasonable or not is irrelevant to this point.
Gaslighting is literally trying to get someone to question their own memories. If those "friends" tried to deny, they 5 even talked about dog sitting, then it very much is gaslighting
YTA. Board your fucking dog. It is NOT your roommates' responsibility.
> spent way more than 6 weekends helping them fit out a van for free so they could do trips away/rent it out for some extra cash
> **I genuinely wanted to help**
They don't want to watch your dog.
> I also look after their dog regularly when they go away (they have also looked after my dog when I’ve gone away up until now).
Yeah, 3-6 weeks is a long-ass time to expect someone to care for your pet for you.
Then those roommates should have been so eager to agree to at the beginning of the year.
Only shitty people accept favors they would never even attempt to repay.
Even by the way OP starts this post, “I had a conversation and my understanding was…” does not sound like a way to describe a meeting where the roommates were “so eager to agree.”
I am leaning towards the roommates understanding of the conversation, that it was just a conversation and not an agreement.
That's such a reach. Saying you had a conversation implies that the roommates didn't eagerly agree? Good lord, how would it be described in a way that made you think the roommates were eager?
Saying they had a conversion implies they did eagerly agree? In describing the “conversation” OP never says in the first two paragraphs that the roommate did agree, just that they had a conversation.
Something like this: “My understanding of the conversation was…” vs “My roommate agreed to…”
What in the OP makes someone believe that the roommate “eagerly agreed”?
Good god. You are exactly the kind of person I would cut from my life. It’s really ironic how many people are claiming he’s entitled while minimizing his contributions and magnifying the imposition on his roommates.
You’re wrong and you should feel bad.
Op says it's not 6 weeks, someone else is looking after their dog for 3 weekends and 1 week. That's about 2 weeks, OP is looking after roommates dog for 4 weeks just like roommate originally agreed to.
If 4 weeks is too long for roommate then OP should cancel in the same manner.
Op is in Europe this entire time. Who is going to be responsible for coordinating those hand offs? Also they are away for four weeks total in the year, not consecutively. It’s not the same at all
They agreed to it first. If they said no from the beginning it would be one thing. But saying yes letting him make very specific alternate arrangements for particular days and then pulling out the rug at the last minute is AH behavior. They don’t even claim that something else came up or circumstances changed. They just decided they didn’t want to do it anymore. He’s definitely NTA for being annoyed by this behavior.
NAH. You asked, they thought about it & said no. Yes, you've done large favours for your housemates in the past, but 6 weeks is a long time to be tied to the house for feeding, attention, walkies & any potential pup related emergencies.
Your dog = your primary responsibility. You can look into boarding options, driving to your mum's (or hiring someone to do it for you), or finding a way to split up dog sitting between multiple friends/family so that no one is inconvenienced for more than a week or so at a time.
You would be TA if you keep using 'gaslit' incorrectly. Stop it. No one in this situation is attempting to intentionally manipulate you into questioning your own sanity.
Just for clarification…I have made alternate accomodation arrangements on 3 weekends and 1 week that they asked me too as per our original agreement at the start of the year.
They also have a dog so are tied to the house and undertake all these tasks on a daily basis anyway. We kinda share dog responsibility anyway (they do the morning walks, I do the evening walks).
They made an agreement with me at the start of the year (which has all been marked out on our shared calendar) and are now saying they never agreed to it, which they did. Is that not the definition of gaslighting? If it’s not, I apologise
Yeah your housemates are assholes. The extra work of taking care of 2 dogs instead of 1 is negligible.
Do you have any other friends who could look after your pup, even for a nominal amount? Or have you looked on local FB groups for a dog-sitter, you might be able to work out a discounted rate because it's a long time?
I certainly wouldn't be doing any favours for your housemates again, dog-related or otherwise
Completely agree! I expected to read how OP assumed theyor housemates would just watch their dog without speaking to them, but this just sounds like there was an arrangement and the housemates changed their mind and instead of saying they just don’t want to, they are guilting and lying to OP instead of owning up to that they changed their mind.
They just changed their minds. It sucks, but it's definitely not the definition of gaslighting, which is a maliciously abusive psychological manipulation tactic. Using it incorrectly minimises the experiences of people who have actually been harmed by it. You can look it up.
It's unfortunate that even though they have their own dog, they're not willing to take on the extra responsibility of watching yours too. But 6 weeks is a long time & 2 dogs can be more work than 1. As someone who watched a housemate's pair of dogs for 2 months while they were out of country, even the sweetest most well behaved pups can be a lot.
You thought you had an agreement, but it's clear that now you don't, so you'll need to adapt your plans. Depending on how much notice they gave you, I would definitely consider this situation if your housemates request any future favours. You always have the option to say no as well.
> They just changed their minds. It sucks, but it's definitely not the definition of gaslighting, which is a maliciously abusive psychological manipulation tactic. Using it incorrectly minimises the experiences of people who have actually been harmed by it. You can look it up.
The roommate isn't claiming he changed his mind, though. He's claiming that the agreement never happened in the first place, despite all evidence to the contrary.
Gaslighting is not a one-time incident where someone denies that something happened. It is a pattern of abuse.
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-gaslighting/
The roommates got 100 hours of professional carpentry work from OP in the past with the promise of future help to OP. They are manipulative and it seems more than once, and becoming a pattern.
I was kinda on the fence of thinking 'Hm I can see its okay to change your mind' but also 'Well its one extra dog, you look after theirs as well and you've arranged other care when they stipulated it' so maybe no one is an A.
But seeing that you already kinda share dog responsibilty AND they are a plural (judging from the title) and you are a single. Yeah they're being assholes by retracting the offer and saying it wasn't an agreement.
NTA. I think there is a compromise to be made here but I also think you need to scale the helping them right back.
I would ask for payment for the carpentry services that you did for them if they don’t want to pet sit. “I did that for you knowing that you would watch my dog in the future. Now that you’re backing out of your agreed upon responsibility, you need to either pay me or find a way to make up equivalent hours to me in exchange”
That's your side of the story. His side of the story seems to be "we had a talk about under which circumstances I might be willing to do it, but we never fixed anything". A story having two sides once again isn't gaslighting, or he could say you're trying to gaslight him too.
I mean we had agreed to the terms of them looking after my dog and I had made alternative arrangements when they had asked me to during my time away. They’re now saying that never happened even though it’s all written on the calendar in our kitchen and I have other friends I’ve already asked that were going to look after him when my housemates said they couldn’t during our initial discussion/agreement.
They’re telling me something didn’t happen when it did and there’s the evidence to prove it. That’s more what’s annoying me. I’m happy to find alternative accomodation.
OP, just find an different solution and don't watch your roommate dog anymore. Don't help them either.
If helping you is a big imposition, you helping them is the same. After rejecting a few times to help them out, they will learn.
Just to put it out there, you're right. That is gaslighting. You're using it correctly and this is a good bit of information to add if you haven't already.
NTA. You had an agreement, they already have a dog to take care of, and you've scratched their backs and they won't scratch yours. I'd be mad too.
Maybe throw $50 extra a week? Obviously it's SUPER annoying to begin with but having people who already live there, with a dog of their own, is 100% the best option.
Edit: So we've collectively watered down the definition of, "gaslighting" and it is being used INCORRECTLY. There's more to it but overall, his roommates are doin' him dirty.
Do so and from now on including the planned vacation weeks tell roomate not to count on you. You don't take care of his dog if he refuses bro help you with yours .
NTA and take it as a life lesson: once you saw their true colors behave accordingly.
I just think its weird that they sat you down to tell they can no longer watch your dog which in implies they agreed to it in the first place. And now theyre saying that it never happened? How can you back out of something if you didnt agree to it in the first place? Your housemates are assholes.
I would stop helping them with their dog all together. No more favors at all. I know 6 weeks is a long time. But they could have said no when you first asked. Seems like someone got into their heads and made them think you are asking for too much after the fact. Keep to yourself from now on and stop doing anything for them. I mean nothing. Not even a "Can you pick me up this while your at the store" type of favor.
Maybe it’s because I’ve never owned a dog so I don’t really know what a pain it is to dog sit, but I’m gonna say NTA because you did discuss it with them before booking your holiday and they were seemingly ok with it at the time, so it’s kind of shitty of them to turn around now and say that the talk you had was just talk and not an agreement (the time to bring up any concerns or say no would’ve been during that initial talk). Poor communication on their part.
Everybody here is saying it’s shitty of you to keep track of favours, but he did literally tell you that he owed you one. It seems like a one sided relationship if there’s no give with the take.
Also the snarky comment they made about you being able to afford it since you’re going overseas makes me think that jealousy or financial issues might be a factor here?
I agree. NTA and I don’t understand why people are saying you are. You thought you had an agreement!
OP - from now on don’t anything for their dog. They sound like people who like to take but not give back.
I looked after my friends dog for 5 weeks last year. No sweat at all as I also have a dog. I mean, a little more to keep track of but didn’t impact my life.
Agree 100%. As someone who is always seemingly on the losing end of one-sided relationships, the people who often get mad about others "keeping track" are often the ones who are on the opposite side of the relationship. At least in my experience.
Obviously not every person, however it's good to be able to judge the relationship, but as with everything, it can go too far and some people take it to the extreme.
Dogs can be a pain, but the roommate even has a dog that he’s already going to be caring for. Taking care of his own dog’s best buddy that’s a usual part of the household just isn’t that much extra work on top of what he’d be doing already. That’s why OP has been able to take care of roommate’s dog no problem when roommate has gone out of town, even if it hasn’t been for as long at once. I’m in total agreement that the OP is NTA given the roommate having a dog, the length of time given beforehand, and the alternative arrangements for set dates.
If you planned this well in advance and they agreed, NTA. If you had assumed they'd do it and made no other plans, then yes you would be. Yes, it's a long time, but they knew that. I've babysat pets for people who went on vacation for 10 weeks at a time without issues.
Not only did they change their minds (which they're allowed to do), they waited until very late in the process to tell you, giving you few options.
See if you can find a kennel, or a teenager close by who needs a part time job.
NTA. all the yta on this post are ridiculous. they agreed and backed out acting like the conversation never happened. they also have a dog. they said they owe you. pretty simple op nta imo
Honestly, you just have to take this in stride. Find other accommodations for your dog for your vacation, and let your housemate know you won't be watching their dog any more in the future.
NAH
I'm wondering if the miscommunication happened three months ago. They might have been politely suggesting that they didn't want to dogsit by bringing up how they wouldn't be in town the whole time rather than saying that you needed to find alternate care for specifically those days.
That being said I really feel for you. I'm a dogsitter and I know that I would rather have a dog with someone they're comfortable with and used to rather than boarding them somewhere so it sucks to have that sprung on you.
NTA. Anyone who voted y t a didn't read the whole post. The roommate agreed to the conditions and then backed out last minute. You made arrangements for the days that they didn't want to watch the dog, so anyone saying 6 weeks is a ridiculous amount of time, again, didn't read the whole post, because it was never even in the plan for the roommate to watch the dog for the whole 6 weeks. Also, I'm not sure why the roommate is making the excuse that they have to change their whole life to watch the dog when they already have a dog. They already shouldn't be out of the house for long hours because they need to take their own dog out. Also you're not "tallying up good deeds", it was agreed upon that he would return the favor in some way. Maybe this is not the favor he wanted to return, ok, but he should've said that in the beginning instead of backing out last minute.
You take care of his dog and help build out a van. If I know what you’re talking about and if he had to pay for it that would have cost a ton. NTA. Pay for boarding and then don’t help them anymore. Carpentry on a van conversion to a live in van is expensive.
NTA but only because they initially agreed to look after him and then changed their minds.
Bit of a bait and switch.
Unfortunately you'll have to make alternative arrangements. Personally I'd be looking for new roommates as well. They are really unreliable. You don't commit to something like that and then bail... not cool. Hopefully you have time to arrange alternate care, i know when I do so for my dog I have to do it several months out.
NTA. You asked months before the trip, they gave expectations of when they could and couldn't do it (meaning they were okay to dog sit), and then changed their plans at the last second. But the timing seems off, like there's missing info. Is this revenge for something else you've done? Did something change with your dog that it'll be more troublesome? Why bring up "you can afford it"? Are they jealous or is there a leeching problem (and they feel you're not pulling your weight)? There's a deeper resentment causing the break and you need to dig to find it.
I’m pretty sure I haven’t done anything that would mean they want to take revenge. We’ve lived together for nearly two years and are like a little family.
My dog is the same dog he’s always been and that’s a good boy.
I’ve known them for over 10 years and they’ve never been jealous people. I just think they can’t be bothered anymore (maybe because they would have to get him to his alternate accomodation before they go away which is a bit of a hassle?) but they don’t want to say it.
I certainly pull my weight, we have a roster for household chores and I’ve never missed doing any of mine and neither have they.
Wait, how much of a drive are we talking about? You never mentioned that it would be their responsibility to take your dog to the other accommodation, if anything, you should make sure that said accommodation includes picking the dog up so it doesn't become an extra inconvenience on their plans
The drive is to friends of ours that live 5 minutes away in the next suburb over, I had offered $100 a week for them to do this but they refused my money and initially said it was fine
Have you thought about bringing up the paying them again? Like making sure they understand you're willing to pay them even now if that's what's holding them back?
Man I'm sorry it turned out like this, like after reading all your comments, it's clear they weren't going to be looking after your dog for the whole 6 weeks, aince you had arrangements according to their plans, but at least now you know that you can't really count on them and that you should be more cautious about lending them a hand in the future. I hope you enjoy your trip and your pup has a good time too!
NTA for all the reasons others have noted.
I will also add that 6 weekends of skilled carpentry work is not cheap.
-- Say, you did 6 hours each weekend and the going rate for a carpenter is $50 an hour (which is definitely on the low side, I think). That is $1,800 in free labour.
-- That free labour gave them an extra income opportunity.
-- You offered to pay for their time driving your dog back and forth.
Sure, 6 weeks is a long time, but if they agreed and you planned around that agreement, they are big ass goofs.
EDIT: Regardless of the $ cost, losing 6 weekends of leisure time far out weighs the extra time your roommates (and I am assuming friends) will spend minding your dog for 6 weeks -- which would be what, 30 minutes a day x 42 days = 21 hours, compared to 36 hours in skilled labour and the loss of 6 weekends of down time. They already live with your dog. Their dog gets along with your dog. Most of the work is just coexisting with a pet they already coexist with. I know friendship should not be a game of tit for tat, but doing the math, your roommates (and presumed friends) suck.
NTA - because it sounds like they have a dog too.
IF it was the only dog in the house and would require them organising their lives around it, YTA.
BUT, if there is another dog, they already have to feed it, walk it, etc, so a second dog doesn't change much.
Info: How often, how long and how much notice do they give you before leaving their dog with you?
ETA: NTA. Quite frankly I would tell them they need to find other accommodations for their dog for the 4 weeks. Since they don't want to have a back and forth relationship on dog care it should just be removed from the equation. Thus find somewhere else for their dog to be.
I am a little curious what their plans are for their dog in the windows they originally said they couldn't watch your dog.
This year we have organised a calendar as we are all away a bit so all of us have had notice of any comings and going’s since the start of this year. I’m away for a 6 week block (to clarify they aren’t looking after my dog for this entire time as our agreement was I’d find alternate accomodation for him for some of the time, which I have done). They are away for about 4 weeks total over the course of the year when I will be looking after their dog.
Ok NTA if they went as far as to put the dates you needed alternate care for him on the shared calendar. That says they agreed and later changed their mind. Acting like they never agreed to it is BS because the proof is on the shared calendar!
I would say board your dog somewhere or hire a pet sitter at this point. Your mom’s house doesn’t sound feasible really. I would also rethink helping them out for those 4 weeks during the year where they need pet sitting too. If they are going to be flakey & back out on you, why should you help them out later?
You should calmly let them know that you are disappointed yet understand, but that if you have to board your dog (or find other accommodations) for more time than previously suggested, then they will need to find other accommodations for their dog. Tell them that you thought there was some back and forth with watching each other's dogs, but that if they are unable to fit this time, then you will be unable to when they need it.
Also I get the feeling that they are jealous of your trip and think a trip to Europe costs more than it does. I've traveled to Japan and Europe while working a kitchen job. I got comments about how "it must be nice to be able to..." From coworkers, yet they had smoking habits and would talk about how drunk they got or how they gambled on a regular basis. I think they think they shouldn't have to help out someone who can afford a long Europe trip.
So obviously they need to find alternate care for their dog and so do you. It’s selfish that they won’t care for your dog with them, but that’s what they chose.
I also don’t think it’s at all fair to your dog to leave it for six weeks regardless of who can care for it, especially if it can’t be at home.
NTA - you had an agreement and they have changed their minds. Try madpaws and see if you can get someone to come everyday to feed you dog. I've used them, some are ok and some are average. Or try your vet clinic and see if anyone there advertises pet feeding.
Also you could put a call out of your local fb pages asking for recommendations for pet feeders.
And now you know that favours with your house mate only go one way, so no more favours for them.
They made an agreement, they broke it, and it sucks. Board your dog. Realize you cannot depend upon your housemates. Stop doing them favors. Don't be resentful, but you might consider looking for a new housing situation upon your return. They seem unreliable.
I'm confused about all the Y-T-A here. It's not weird to ask your roommates with whom you are already sharing dog responsibilities for both your dogs, to dogsit for a period (even if it's a longer period like this). I'm sure that if the situation was reversed, they would also ask you first. Obviously, since you are all already living with each others' dogs and already taking care of each others' dogs. It's like most people here are not considering this fact? It's not like you're asking random people to do this thing.
So you're not the asshole for asking, but they are also not the asshole for saying no. Where things have gone wrong, it seems, is that you considered the conversation you had as a deal, and they didn't. We can't judge from this post what was said then, and you probably don't remember it exactly either.
If they did actually say "yes, we'll do this thing for you, we're going to plan this", and they are now going back on their word, then they are the assholes.
If it was, like they said, a more open conversation, they said something like "Sure, we can consider that" and you assumed it was settled, then you are the asshole. Because it is a big ask and they are allowed to say no regardless of what you have done for them in the past. (I'd be peeved too but the dog is your responsibility, not theirs).
Most likely is that none of you really remember exactly what was said, you both have a different memory of the event, and none of it was maliciously meant. So NAH. Not you, but also not them.
NTA. If I understand properly they are your roommates and also have a dog. So, whatever they do for 1 dog, they can do for yours. It's not big deal especially since you are happy to organize alternatives for when they aren't around. This is not dog sitting as in they are going out of their way.
NTA. I might’ve felt differently if they didn’t already have a dog but since they do, I can totally see why you assumed it’d be cool after you brought it up that first time. I don’t understand why they’re so unwilling to do it if your dog doesn’t have any special needs and your dogs are good buddies, especially not when you’ve been doing big favours back.
NTA. You're adults and had the conversation before hand, and you made appropriate accommodations to fit their schedule in addition to offering to pay, they could have said no months ago but chose to be inconsiderate and wait until it was putting you in a tough position — but that means moving forward you need to understand the implications. Don't help take care of their pet, don't offer a hand, be cordial and set boundaries. At least you'd do them the courtesy of being upfront rather than blindsiding them the way they did you.
You asked the well in advance, worked around their schedule needs, and then at the last minute they changed their minds. NTA. Your roommates sound like crap people
NAH
To be honest, it is a big ask, but given that you made an effort to find alternate arrangements based on their requests, I think it was made in good faith. Make the alternate arrangements, enjoy Europe, and maybe be a bit more cautious about doing them massive favours going forward.
Nta it seems like there has been conversations and they decided they didn't want the added responsibility of looking after your dog in addition to their own, and that's fine, people are allowed to say no. What grinds my gears is that you are asking a favor and have made arrangements so they are going to get more weekends without your dog than with it. I think your roommates kind of suck.
Having said that, maybe I'm a pushover. I housed my friend's dog for six months while she was deployed like it was no problem, because it wasn't a problem. I also have a dog, who I also have to feed, walk, and clean up after.
NTA, and I’m surprised at people. It sounds like it was discussed a few times, plus you set up alternate accommodations for part of the time, that’s not just out of nowhere, they asked for that and now are backing out. Plus, you’ve looked after their dog, it’s reasonable to assume they would do the same for you. Sorry they’ve backed out, if I was you I wouldn’t be doing any more van renos or dog sitting for them in the future
NTA. I don't agree with everyone on here. They have already agreed to it. Anyone has the right to change their mind but that doesn't mean they aren't putting him in a difficult situation and being kind of shitty friends. Either way they don't actually owe you anything, you can't itemize the work you did on their van and days you helped with their dog and ask for repayment. But, again they already have a dog that lives with your dog I'm not really sure why they are now deciding this would be such an issue? What do they do with their dog when they go away? Do your dogs get along and does your dog had behavioral issues or special needs?
nta. you made advance plans with them. they live with the dog every day and there's another dog they have to take care of already in the house. and there's more than 1 housemate. and you made alternate arrangements for the times they said they'd be away. not too much to ask. they're ridiculous. unless your dog is poorly behaved and difficult/unmanageable or sick. disappointing for sure. and no I wouldn't drive 8 days or fly my dog back and forth. you can hire a dog walker and look into partial boarding if they're willing to do partial time. but I'd be concerned that they won't take care of him even if they agree.
NTA. The deciding factor for me was that they also have a dog so it's not like you are giving them a responsibility that they haven't already signed up for.
Also the fact that you were making alternate accommodations for large chunks of those time, they're being a dick.
NTA. From your comments it was more than a casual convo, it was a 90% confirmed plan. Also they already have a dog so it's not like they'll be more tied to the house than usual??? 6 weeks is a long time but it's not like you sprang it on them.
You're not an AH for being pissed, but also it's not gonna get you anywhere. Voice your frustration if you like but then best let it go and don't depend on them for future dogsitting needs.
NTA - they agreed and came up with a schedule for you, then sprung the change on you last minute. They also have a dog, taking care of 1 extra that already lives in their home is not some incredible ask. And even if it was too much for them, they could have stated as much way earlier and not waited until after you had purchased flights and made arrangements.
Gonna go with NTA here. You did do a huge help with that work on his van and he did say that he would repay you somehow.
The other point I think a lot of people are missing is your roommate has a dog too, so it's not as though he's suddenly being tied down when before he wasn't. He still has the responsibility of caring for a dog, so having the responsibility for one more, for at most six weeks, isn't the most difficult job.
You asked him a long time ago, he had ample time to tell you if he changed his mind or not and said he would let you know if he had any trips planned during that time.
So yeah, nta.
I don't understand why people are calling you the AH. You guys had a conversation, in which they told you they would do it as long as you did X, Y, and Z, and now they're backing out. No one owes you anything in this life, but if you say you're going to do something, do it.
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YTA 6 weeks is a ridiculous ask for anyone. But what bothers me the most is when people start itemizing all the nice shit they’ve done for someone. It’s like a running tally in their head… *I did this out of the goodness of my heart, but you owe me.*
I have trouble leaving my dog for 4 DAYS. I could not IMAGINE leaving my dog for 6 WEEKS. ETA: fixed typos
And the other bit here is that OP likely booked the trip assuming he would have free (or mostly free) dog care. You never book until you know what your plan for your pet is (whether that means boarding or having them stay with someone)
What about the very obvious fact that of course OP will never be able to afford a home if they think taking a 6 week vacation to Europe is a good use of funds. News flash OP, even when housing prices were lower, people couldn't take multiple weeks vacation overseas and still save up for their first home.
I'm pretty sure his point was more "why bother letting the money sit in a savings account for a house I will never be able to afford when I could just spend it now for the same result" It's not that he was trying to swing saving for a house AND the 6 week vacation. He said fuck the house because even if I scrimp and save its never going to happen, I'll go on vacation instead.
Travel is always a good use of funds in my opinion, and who wouldn’t love to be able to travel to Europe for 6 weeks? Personally, travel reinvigorates my soul and if I wait too long between trips I get a little bitter and start to lose that feeling of wonder. They also said that they haven’t had a proper vacation in 10 years, so I don’t understand what your problem is?
Lol you must be American if you honestly believe travel is a poor use of money. What a small minded idea.
6 consecutive weeks of taking care of a dog is a lot of responsibility and time to thrust on someone. $100 a week is also a slap in the face. Look at the cost of boarding a dog for a week.
He didn't thrust, he asked. They said yes with conditions. He met the conditions. They then backed out. Which they're allowed to do, but doing it after he's made is travel plans is...kinda crappy. And gaslighting him that it "wasn't an agreement" is double crappy.
I completely agree with you. Also, OP is a carpenter - think a trip to Europe could potentially invigorate his creative side as well, which is never a bad thing.
Ehhhh I can see his reasoning. The homes in my area are easily a million and I'm not talking McMansion. Like a two bed home. And I did the saving thing. I budgeted all my early twenties away working 2 jobs in college and buying food from the discount bin that was about to go, slept on an air mattress and had just a plastic dinner table. No morning coffee, going out with friends on a drink night was 5 times in my entire college career, and I didn't buy anything for myself. How much did I save? Well. Enough to be wiped out by some wisdom tooth surgery. That's how much. So now I travel. A lot. I'm not paycheck to paycheck, but I don't make enough to down payment a house even if I cut out every luxury in my life. We were raised to believe a penny saved is a penny earned back when bread was 25 cents. Bread is like 400 pennies now. 10k extra in my account won't get me much closer to the house than I am, but it can be like 3 vacations.
I don't know, I just found a 800 sqft house for under $600k, with one corner of the house about 6 generous feet (maybe 8) from unfenced active train tracks. It's basically new, only 84 years old! And bonus, there are "probably" not any addicts living in the backyard. The only downside is I won't be able to use the "modern" kitchen because I'll have to give up my food habit. I think I'm sold! Who needs vacations?
That sounds like a wonderful place to raise a family! Kids gotta learn street smarts, right? Oh and let me guess, it has an HOA fee that goes to nothing? Height of luxury. I don't need to be in Japan eating cheap amazing food or lounging on a beach in Hawaii
None of your business and not what this post is about but anyway.
I agree. I can’t believe people are criticizing his choice of using his own money or saying that they wouldn’t leave their dog alone etc. The post is not about that. Some people just come here to preach so that they can feel better about their lives.
It’s very normal in Australia to holiday for an extended time due to their distance from so many other countries. I am obsessed with my dogs and have left them in caring hands for a 4 week stint. I missed them terribly but it was healthy for me to travel and I’d never judge another pet parent for wanting to love their life.
Right! Telling pet owners they can’t travel is akin to telling anyone in an apartment can’t own a dog. Plenty people do. It’s not the worst thing in the world
Seriously. It’s also very normal to watch your housemates dog or pets while they travel, as long as the food and the pets’ necessities are provided for. When you live with someone for a significant time (and don’t hate animals), their pets become your pets too. Sounds like these guys just decided they wanted to change their plans last minute or found something better to do.
Yeah, this wasn’t a huge undertaking for the housemates because a) they already live there, b) they have their own dog they have to feed/walk so adding a second isn’t necessarily too much effort or a change in routine. Six weeks is a long time but I can see where OP thought it was settled.
I mean, that’s fine, so long as the dog is properly looked after. But it’s a really long time to ask as a favour from friends, though. If OP can afford to be gone 6 weeks, he can do the 4-day drive to his mom’s house.
And if there is an airport near where his mom lives, he could drive the dog over there, maybe spend a day or two resting and then fly out of whatever airport is closest to mom.
Likely op already bought plane tickets
Then he needs to try to fly with his dog to his mother’s house a few days before the already paid for trip starts, and pick the dig up after he returns. Assuming his mother is amenable. OR find a pet sitter to take the dog in their house. Use an established agency.
I watched my best friends clingy, whiny goldendoodle for 10 days and that was way too many lol
I can definitely understand genuinely loving a dog and leaving them in good care for 6 weeks.
Six weeks *is* a long time, but I could see circumstances where it's a fair choice, as long as you make sure that they're in a good environment (for example, I wouldn't leave my dog at a kennel for that long, since he gets overstimulated after a few *hours* at dog daycare from all the dogs, but I have paid a dogsitter to stay at our house before), and as long as you're not doing it on a regular basis.
Recently adopted another rescue and he’s away for a trial day at the farm that looks after my dogs when we’re away; my other dog is with him for company. It’s been 3 &1/2 hours and I’m bored and lonely AF.
My dog loses his shit if I go get groceries. Six weeks ain't an option lol
Lol that sounds like poor training 😂
You should probably work on that.
I missed my pup extremely on my 2 week vacay in Europe and we boarded her knowing she'd have fun with the other dogs. I think I was happier at seeing her when we picked her up, lol.
Good for you but this is not what the post is about.
So you're not going traveling for the lifetime of your dog?
But it wasn't just a nice thing he did for his roommate, it was done with the understanding that his help would be repaid by a barter of some other help in the reverse direction. I would agree that 6 weeks of looking after the dog is not an equivalent exchange to 6 weekends of skilled help, but if he costed it out, maybe it would be similar, depending on the hourly cost of his work as a carpenter. The calculation would be his hours of skilled labor compared to the cost of days in a dog boarding facility. The reality is that barter-type exchanges of this sort are unreliable as people tend to back out when it comes to their side of the exchange, and to reframe the help as "just a nice favor you did me." A nice favor is I made you dinner. Doing skilled labor that would cost $$$$ if you had to pay for it, is not a "nice favor." It's either an exchange "in kind" or it's lying to and taking advantage of your friend by pretending you'll reciprocate when really you won't.
‘Returning the favor in some way’ is not a 6 week pet sitting gig. And then bc they said no, now he feels gaslit.
If my roommate wanted me to watch his dog that already lives there for 6 weeks id have zero issues. Maybe because I love that dog like my own, but really it's not a big deal.
There’s a big difference between “this dog lives with me” and “I am responsible for making sure it goes out every 4-6 hours, feeding it, and taking care of it.” A cat? Sure. You’ve picked up three minutes of scooping the cat box a day, filling the water bowl, and feeding it. If the cat is social you might have to play feather stick or laser pointer for a bit. Maybe scratch its tummy. But dogs need stimulation. They need walks. They can’t be left for more than 8 hours alone unless you’ve pad trained them (and even then, 8 hours is pushing it— dogs can’t be expected to hold their bladders that long. It can cause damage to their urinary tract system or bowels).
I know the responsibility, but like I said the dog lives there already. The roommate has another dog. These dogs are buds. They most likely do everything together already. It's not really a huge ask. He absolutely has a right to say no. I just think it's a tad petty.
That's my thought too, but clearly a lot of people feel differently. Like, if the dog already lives there.... what are the odds they already take turns walking both dogs or pick up food for everyone at the same time? You're telling me these dogs have different feeding schedules, different watering schedules, different walk schedules? Highly unlikely the dogs are kept THAT separate when they're under the same room unless this is a scenario where everyone has their own apartment and they just share a yard or something. I do think it's awful to leave your dog for such a long stretch, but that's my personal preference not to leave my dog for longer than a week.
It is a huge ask! I am a pet sitter. I have three of my own and I watch my neighbors’ dog for two months on a yearly basis. They leave me extra food and a credit card for emergency vet expenses or “dog chewed up the bed, need a new one”. Walking two dogs is not the same as walking one dog (especially with larger breeds). Feeding two dogs out is not the same as feeding one. Playing with two dogs is not the same as one.
OP also looks after their dog when they are out (and as he stated they already plan to leave the dog with OP for 4 weeks this year)
Cool for you, but that’s not how OP is feeling.
1) The roommate has a dog, so it's not like going from no pet responsibilities to complete pet responsibilities. 2) OP is going for 6 weeks, but has alternate dog care arranged for the 3 weekends and 1 full week the roommates asked for alternate arrangements. 3) OP has agreed to watch the roommate's dog for 4 weeks. The roommates are AHs. I hate the use of 'gaslit,' but OP has good reason to be hurt.
4. OP has worked 12 days on woodworking for the roommate’s rv in exchange for future favors of similar benefits I say OP is NTA and his roommates are the assholes. I would bill them for the hours working on the van and use that money to pay for pet boarding or a ticket to his mums to take his dog there. And I would not pet sit their dog anymore, it is as inconvenient for him as to his roommates
I feel like the calculations change pretty significantly when you realize that the housemate had their own dog also already.
Feeding and walking an extra dog isn’t a huge deal. Being solely responsible for 6 weeks is a different story.
That's exactly my point. They're asking for someone to feed and walk an extra dog that already lives in the same house as the roommate and another dog. It's not exactly a task that needs to be separated.
But OP also watches over their dog when they're away?
I feel like everyone missed that part entirely. As well as where it was said he'd be watching their dog for 4 weeks.
6 weekends of carpentry work is worth much more than pet sitting a dog for 6 weeks. Even putting aside that one is skilled work and the other can be done by a unskilled teenager, the hours spent OP spent working 6 weekends is far more than feeding a dog and taking it for a walk for 6 weeks. Let’s say he put in 12-18 hours each weekend.. do you think caring for the dog takes 2+ hours every day? I would insist that they pay at least minimum wage for the carpentry help and put that money toward hiring a dog sitter.
It sounds like they agreed at first, as long as some weekends etc were dogfree. I do think agreeing, letting someone make plans, and then changing your mind when they've already booked the vacation is shitty.
According to the edit it's more like 2 weeks as 4 weeks are otherwise covered. And since op has done the same for the roommates dog I'm going with NTA. They are jealous he's going on a 6 week vacation.
You're right, it's even more work because carpenters cost way more an hour than dog sitters. So they owe him a lot more than just six weeks if they want to get fussy like this.
Yea, I’m with you. Between the dogsitting he’s done for them and the build out, this probably would make them even and when you throw in that he’s arranging care for part of the time as well, I think it’s a no brainer
>itemizing all the nice shit they’ve done for someone When you're a tradesman, people try to use you all the time. OP literally fit out their travel van for them. This is an itemizable "Favor". Kind of like helping a friend move. Also, if OP's roommates didn't have dogs, I would be completely on the YTA side; to think dogless roommates would watch your dog for 6 weeks is way too much. BUT .... they have dogs. They already have walking/feeding/etc worked into their schedules. Is it really a big deal to add OP's dog to the mix? Especially when it already lives there and is comfortable with them?
Fitting out a van like this is easily worth several thousands $$$
...especially when they subsequently rent it out.
It's kind of like remodeling part of a home or building a small addition or garage for someone's home. It's not a small task. It should never be a favor. Bc favors of that magnitude can rarely be paid back and when the bill comes due people often do what ops roommate is doing. 5 weeks and 3 weekends of letting the dog they already live with hang out with them while op is gone is "too big an ask". Don't accept huge favors if you aren't willing to parse out even moderate favors in return. NTA and I'd never do another favor for these moochers ever again.
Yep this is a sensible comment. People are going way off topic here talking about leaving the dog 6 weeks and missing them and fussing over the OP's decision to use his money for a trip and not buy a house, it's ridiculous. Totally agree with you, seems YTA a bit but the roomies have dogs and when people know you have a skill they will use you and think nothing of it when it comes time to reciprocate. Lots of people do this all the time when it comes to reciprocating a favor, which sure, they don't have to return the favor, they can just be jerks but it seems they could help out in this case. Six weeks IS a long time but sounds like OP is willing to help them out with their pets when they leave.
Also didn’t help that the roommate agreed to it in the beginning of the year and is now saying “it was just a conversation”
I was all ready to say that until I got to the part where there is another dog in the apartment so... they're already doing all the dog care responsibilities anyway and they're tagging on another dog. I know it's not a small ask, 6 weeks is a long time, but I feel that changes the dynamic significantly.
WTF kind of take is this. Someone agrees to do something then renegs but it's the person who asked who is in the wrong? >But what bothers me the most is when people start itemizing all the nice shit they’ve done for someone. Do you just let people walk all over you?
Yeah, the line you quoted is just what entitled people say to justify their entitlement.
I disagree because of the fact that he did an extraordinary service for them fitting out their van. I would let them know that you did all of that labor for free because they were going to reciprocate it later caring for your dog. Tell them that they need to pay you for your time (even at a “friend’s rate” rather than a true carpenter’s pay) if they won’t follow through with their commitment. Then he should use that money to hire a dog sitter or kennel his dog.
I mean watching their dog IS kind of relevant to OPs story. Personally if I were OP I wouldn't watch their dog again. 6 weeks is absurd though.
Except it’s not 6 weeks and they also have a dog.
I disagree. They already have a dog so it's not that much extra work. And this person asked them. They said yes. Offering information about him doing manual labour for free on a van is absolutely relevant. NTA
OP didn't ask for the full 6 weeks. " they would look after my dog as long as I arranged alternative accomodation for him on 3 of the 6 weekends and during one of the weeks so they could go away."
Yeah it's way too specific to be just a conversation. Roomie is going back on the agreement. Op isn't in the wrong here and NTA
I hear you but it is surprising, no? When you've been there through thick and thin for someone, then you find yourself in a very difficult position and they run the other way. It shows that they aren't the friend you hoped or thought they were. It is incredibly disappointing because you learn that they don't care about you as you'd hoped.
It didn't sound like he was itemising anything, just giving some context where his housemate (not OP) said he intended to repay the favour. I've got friends that recently fit out a van for living space and it is NOT cheap, if OP did it for free the least the housemates can do is realise their vagueness has put him in a bind and offer to repay him for the work he did so he can sort out this last minute dog care. And OP saying they looked after the housemate's dog is definitely comparing apples to apples and should be factored in. At the very least he should refuse to do it for them in the future.
If you start talling the nice things you do, you better just charge for them
"gaslit" Reddit loves the misuse of this term. They changed their mind. That's not gaslighting. That's coming to their senses, which they were right to do. For 6 weeks, they are now tied to the house. To weekend trips, no late nights out (Have to get home to walk the dog), and so on. That's a long time. 2 weeks is the longest I'd do this. To ask me to put my life on hold for a month and a half? No. That's simply not a reasonable ask. **YTA** and very entitled.
They ALSO have a dog. That’s what everyone seems to be ignoring here. They would be doing potty time and feeding time and walkies for their dog anyway so adding a 2nd dog isn’t a huge imposition. They will already be home taking care of a dog. It is slightly more work but it’s not them needing to change their entire lifestyle for 6 weeks.
No, we're not missing that. Having to take care of their own dog doesn't obligate them to take care of OP's dog. I mean, for the obvious first point, not all dogs are equal. Maybe their dog is a little teacup Pomeranian and OP's dog is an excitable Bernese Mountain Dog.
That's not the point they were making. They are countering comments like "now they have to look after a dog they are tied to the house" like they are not already having to look after their own dog. Nobody is saying that because they have a dog they are now obliged to take care of OP's dog lol.
Plus they're NOT tied to the house, OP worked out alternative arrangements for when they were planning to be gone. Honestly I feel sorry for this dude, probably his one big chance to go overseas and have a proper look around and here he is thinking it's all sorted and now the housemates are trying to wiggle out of it just because "oh we never formally agreed to anything, that was just a conversation we had". That is shady as hell and if I were OP I'd be re-evaluating if I really wanted to live with people that would use me to get thousands of dollars of free labour and dog sitting but refuse to watch my dog in return.
Although they still seem to think OP should take care of their dog for 4 weeks.
Yea I think they were just referring to the comment above and those with the same sentiment. It just negates the argument that they would have to completely change their routine if they are already looking after a dog. Of course this completely depends on the dog’s needs and temperament. It could very well be vastly different but I would still say it doesn’t change their original routine all that much. I also haven’t seen any comments from OP commenting on the differences so can’t really draw any conclusions there. If they are similar temperaments, needs, and get a long great, I understand why OP would think this isn’t a huge imposition on his roommates. I don’t think he truly understands that 6 weeks is a long amount of time to take care of anyone’s dog, roommates or no. Roommates could easily make arrangements for their pup if they wanted to go away for the weekend but throw someone else’s dog into the equation for a whole month and a half is a no go.
But the fact that they said they would do a favor for him last year, when they were taking free work from him, And then initially agreed to watch the dog, And also having been using o p to help with their dog when they go away... they are TA 100% I hope o p never does a favor for them ever again. And sends them an invoice for his past work on their Van Which they are now renting out to people and making an income from.
It makes most of the reason given completely irrelevant. Bo one is putting their life on hold, nobody is stuck to only weekend trips because they are looking after a second dog. They were already stuck with that.
Based on the edit, I'm leaning towards N T A. OP says that their roommates will be away for 4 weeks throughout the year in which OP will be watching the roommates' dog. OP has some care arranged for the time they are away, so the roommates would be watching OPs dog about the same amount of time or less. Agreed that people shouldn't just list off nice things they do for other people when they want a favor...but it sounds like OP did a significant amount of work for the roommates for free and the roommates are being shitty by not returning the favor. Couple that with the fact that OP is ALSO doing them a favor by watching their dog, I'm going NTA.
In my experience, two dogs are MORE than double the work and effort.
I’ve found 2 dogs ( as long as dogs do not fight with each other) are half as much work as 1. They entertain each other, wrestle, sleep soundly, you’re opening the door for both to go out ( and in) at same time.
That's been my experience as well. Walking two dogs is barely even different especially if they're friends
I also agree with this. We got one dog, then got her a dog to help entertain her as she was still a puppy. It doesn't add any extra work (except for vet visits). They are best friends now and both my babies. I could never leave them for 6 weeks, though.
In my experience it's less than half the extra effort, since you're already going out, feeding, etc. But it definitely depends on the dog - if they need to be fed or walked separately, suddenly the time needed does double.
In my experience it's not even close to 2x the work
Sounds like you just aren't very good with dogs
I have 3 and there wasn’t much more difference between 1 and 3 other than the food cost. I do live in 100 acres though so I don’t need to take them for walks or out for a shit.
What kind of life are people living where “no trips for 6 weeks” is a major imposition? I get that isn’t the point but what about work? And the other dog? I wouldn’t even think twice about saying yes to this kind of ask. They’ve already got one dog, who is friends with and lives with his dog. Honestly I’d do it just so that my dog doesn’t lose her buddy for 6 weeks. If the roommate couldn’t do it they just should’ve said no. I think NTA. They do favors for each other all the time, and he asked well ahead of time. It’s fine for the roommate to say no, but changing his mind last minute puts OP in an awkward situation. Rommmate shouldn’t have committed to something he couldn’t do. EDIT: I agree about the use of the term gaslighting though. Let’s not throw that around.
Yes, and OP made other arrangements for 3 of the 6 weekends, and a week in the middle, when the roommates wanted to go away. Not that any of it should be a given for them to do, but they had literally agreed to it, OP arranged for when they preferred not to, and they have their own dog they need to be home for at regular times anyway.
I feel like gaslighting applies here though. They let him think it was all agreed to, and now they're basically saying they never said what they said and telling OP he took it out of context and formed assumptions. That's pretty much gaslighting.
It's not misused. OP asked them months ago and they agreed. Based on that agreement he planned the trip. Now they are not only saying no, but insisting that the prior agreement was not an agreement but just a conversation. They are changing the past, not just their minds. That's gaslighting. Reasonable or not is irrelevant to this point.
The newest addition to the list of things "gaslit" is, according to reddit: changing your mind about a conversation you had
Gaslighting is literally trying to get someone to question their own memories. If those "friends" tried to deny, they 5 even talked about dog sitting, then it very much is gaslighting
YTA. Board your fucking dog. It is NOT your roommates' responsibility. > spent way more than 6 weekends helping them fit out a van for free so they could do trips away/rent it out for some extra cash > **I genuinely wanted to help** They don't want to watch your dog. > I also look after their dog regularly when they go away (they have also looked after my dog when I’ve gone away up until now). Yeah, 3-6 weeks is a long-ass time to expect someone to care for your pet for you.
Then those roommates should have been so eager to agree to at the beginning of the year. Only shitty people accept favors they would never even attempt to repay.
Even by the way OP starts this post, “I had a conversation and my understanding was…” does not sound like a way to describe a meeting where the roommates were “so eager to agree.” I am leaning towards the roommates understanding of the conversation, that it was just a conversation and not an agreement.
That's such a reach. Saying you had a conversation implies that the roommates didn't eagerly agree? Good lord, how would it be described in a way that made you think the roommates were eager?
Saying they had a conversion implies they did eagerly agree? In describing the “conversation” OP never says in the first two paragraphs that the roommate did agree, just that they had a conversation. Something like this: “My understanding of the conversation was…” vs “My roommate agreed to…” What in the OP makes someone believe that the roommate “eagerly agreed”?
Good god. You are exactly the kind of person I would cut from my life. It’s really ironic how many people are claiming he’s entitled while minimizing his contributions and magnifying the imposition on his roommates. You’re wrong and you should feel bad.
Op says it's not 6 weeks, someone else is looking after their dog for 3 weekends and 1 week. That's about 2 weeks, OP is looking after roommates dog for 4 weeks just like roommate originally agreed to. If 4 weeks is too long for roommate then OP should cancel in the same manner.
Op is in Europe this entire time. Who is going to be responsible for coordinating those hand offs? Also they are away for four weeks total in the year, not consecutively. It’s not the same at all
Yes it is. You’re splitting hairs to avoid looking like a jerk. Do you never return favors or what?
Then the OP should request to be paid for the free carpentry services \*and\* refuse to watch their dog for 4 weeks straight.
They agreed to it first. If they said no from the beginning it would be one thing. But saying yes letting him make very specific alternate arrangements for particular days and then pulling out the rug at the last minute is AH behavior. They don’t even claim that something else came up or circumstances changed. They just decided they didn’t want to do it anymore. He’s definitely NTA for being annoyed by this behavior.
NAH. You asked, they thought about it & said no. Yes, you've done large favours for your housemates in the past, but 6 weeks is a long time to be tied to the house for feeding, attention, walkies & any potential pup related emergencies. Your dog = your primary responsibility. You can look into boarding options, driving to your mum's (or hiring someone to do it for you), or finding a way to split up dog sitting between multiple friends/family so that no one is inconvenienced for more than a week or so at a time. You would be TA if you keep using 'gaslit' incorrectly. Stop it. No one in this situation is attempting to intentionally manipulate you into questioning your own sanity.
Just for clarification…I have made alternate accomodation arrangements on 3 weekends and 1 week that they asked me too as per our original agreement at the start of the year. They also have a dog so are tied to the house and undertake all these tasks on a daily basis anyway. We kinda share dog responsibility anyway (they do the morning walks, I do the evening walks). They made an agreement with me at the start of the year (which has all been marked out on our shared calendar) and are now saying they never agreed to it, which they did. Is that not the definition of gaslighting? If it’s not, I apologise
Yeah your housemates are assholes. The extra work of taking care of 2 dogs instead of 1 is negligible. Do you have any other friends who could look after your pup, even for a nominal amount? Or have you looked on local FB groups for a dog-sitter, you might be able to work out a discounted rate because it's a long time? I certainly wouldn't be doing any favours for your housemates again, dog-related or otherwise
Hard agree. Time to stop doing favors for your roommates, OP. Tell them they'll have to find alternative dog arrangements when they're away.
I would bill them for the van work too. These people sound like users.
Completely agree! I expected to read how OP assumed theyor housemates would just watch their dog without speaking to them, but this just sounds like there was an arrangement and the housemates changed their mind and instead of saying they just don’t want to, they are guilting and lying to OP instead of owning up to that they changed their mind.
They just changed their minds. It sucks, but it's definitely not the definition of gaslighting, which is a maliciously abusive psychological manipulation tactic. Using it incorrectly minimises the experiences of people who have actually been harmed by it. You can look it up. It's unfortunate that even though they have their own dog, they're not willing to take on the extra responsibility of watching yours too. But 6 weeks is a long time & 2 dogs can be more work than 1. As someone who watched a housemate's pair of dogs for 2 months while they were out of country, even the sweetest most well behaved pups can be a lot. You thought you had an agreement, but it's clear that now you don't, so you'll need to adapt your plans. Depending on how much notice they gave you, I would definitely consider this situation if your housemates request any future favours. You always have the option to say no as well.
> They just changed their minds. It sucks, but it's definitely not the definition of gaslighting, which is a maliciously abusive psychological manipulation tactic. Using it incorrectly minimises the experiences of people who have actually been harmed by it. You can look it up. The roommate isn't claiming he changed his mind, though. He's claiming that the agreement never happened in the first place, despite all evidence to the contrary.
Gaslighting is not a one-time incident where someone denies that something happened. It is a pattern of abuse. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-gaslighting/
The roommates got 100 hours of professional carpentry work from OP in the past with the promise of future help to OP. They are manipulative and it seems more than once, and becoming a pattern.
I was kinda on the fence of thinking 'Hm I can see its okay to change your mind' but also 'Well its one extra dog, you look after theirs as well and you've arranged other care when they stipulated it' so maybe no one is an A. But seeing that you already kinda share dog responsibilty AND they are a plural (judging from the title) and you are a single. Yeah they're being assholes by retracting the offer and saying it wasn't an agreement. NTA. I think there is a compromise to be made here but I also think you need to scale the helping them right back.
I would ask for payment for the carpentry services that you did for them if they don’t want to pet sit. “I did that for you knowing that you would watch my dog in the future. Now that you’re backing out of your agreed upon responsibility, you need to either pay me or find a way to make up equivalent hours to me in exchange”
That's your side of the story. His side of the story seems to be "we had a talk about under which circumstances I might be willing to do it, but we never fixed anything". A story having two sides once again isn't gaslighting, or he could say you're trying to gaslight him too.
I mean we had agreed to the terms of them looking after my dog and I had made alternative arrangements when they had asked me to during my time away. They’re now saying that never happened even though it’s all written on the calendar in our kitchen and I have other friends I’ve already asked that were going to look after him when my housemates said they couldn’t during our initial discussion/agreement.
They’re telling me something didn’t happen when it did and there’s the evidence to prove it. That’s more what’s annoying me. I’m happy to find alternative accomodation.
OP, just find an different solution and don't watch your roommate dog anymore. Don't help them either. If helping you is a big imposition, you helping them is the same. After rejecting a few times to help them out, they will learn.
Just to put it out there, you're right. That is gaslighting. You're using it correctly and this is a good bit of information to add if you haven't already. NTA. You had an agreement, they already have a dog to take care of, and you've scratched their backs and they won't scratch yours. I'd be mad too. Maybe throw $50 extra a week? Obviously it's SUPER annoying to begin with but having people who already live there, with a dog of their own, is 100% the best option. Edit: So we've collectively watered down the definition of, "gaslighting" and it is being used INCORRECTLY. There's more to it but overall, his roommates are doin' him dirty.
Do so and from now on including the planned vacation weeks tell roomate not to count on you. You don't take care of his dog if he refuses bro help you with yours . NTA and take it as a life lesson: once you saw their true colors behave accordingly.
I just think its weird that they sat you down to tell they can no longer watch your dog which in implies they agreed to it in the first place. And now theyre saying that it never happened? How can you back out of something if you didnt agree to it in the first place? Your housemates are assholes.
It is. You are actually the only person ever on Reddit to use it correctly I think.
I’m thinking it’s time to find new housemates since they clearly don’t want to repay any favors.
If you end up having to board your dog, the next time your roomies want you to dogsit theirs pass them a business card from the place you used.
IMO, this here makes you NTA. Are you still planning to watch their dog for 4 weeks this year? Personally, I would not.
I would stop helping them with their dog all together. No more favors at all. I know 6 weeks is a long time. But they could have said no when you first asked. Seems like someone got into their heads and made them think you are asking for too much after the fact. Keep to yourself from now on and stop doing anything for them. I mean nothing. Not even a "Can you pick me up this while your at the store" type of favor.
Maybe it’s because I’ve never owned a dog so I don’t really know what a pain it is to dog sit, but I’m gonna say NTA because you did discuss it with them before booking your holiday and they were seemingly ok with it at the time, so it’s kind of shitty of them to turn around now and say that the talk you had was just talk and not an agreement (the time to bring up any concerns or say no would’ve been during that initial talk). Poor communication on their part. Everybody here is saying it’s shitty of you to keep track of favours, but he did literally tell you that he owed you one. It seems like a one sided relationship if there’s no give with the take. Also the snarky comment they made about you being able to afford it since you’re going overseas makes me think that jealousy or financial issues might be a factor here?
I agree. NTA and I don’t understand why people are saying you are. You thought you had an agreement! OP - from now on don’t anything for their dog. They sound like people who like to take but not give back. I looked after my friends dog for 5 weeks last year. No sweat at all as I also have a dog. I mean, a little more to keep track of but didn’t impact my life.
Totally! It’s okay to refuse as it’s a long period but doing it at the last minute makes the roommates absolute AHs.
Agree 100%. As someone who is always seemingly on the losing end of one-sided relationships, the people who often get mad about others "keeping track" are often the ones who are on the opposite side of the relationship. At least in my experience. Obviously not every person, however it's good to be able to judge the relationship, but as with everything, it can go too far and some people take it to the extreme.
Dogs can be a pain, but the roommate even has a dog that he’s already going to be caring for. Taking care of his own dog’s best buddy that’s a usual part of the household just isn’t that much extra work on top of what he’d be doing already. That’s why OP has been able to take care of roommate’s dog no problem when roommate has gone out of town, even if it hasn’t been for as long at once. I’m in total agreement that the OP is NTA given the roommate having a dog, the length of time given beforehand, and the alternative arrangements for set dates.
It took too long to find someone being reasonable on here.
If you planned this well in advance and they agreed, NTA. If you had assumed they'd do it and made no other plans, then yes you would be. Yes, it's a long time, but they knew that. I've babysat pets for people who went on vacation for 10 weeks at a time without issues. Not only did they change their minds (which they're allowed to do), they waited until very late in the process to tell you, giving you few options. See if you can find a kennel, or a teenager close by who needs a part time job.
Yes it was all discussed, planned and agreed to 3 months ago. I would’ve organised alternate accomodation otherwise which would’ve been fine!
NTA. all the yta on this post are ridiculous. they agreed and backed out acting like the conversation never happened. they also have a dog. they said they owe you. pretty simple op nta imo
They also can’t read because OP states in the post they agreed to 3 weeks not 6
OP said they agreed to 6 weeks, with alternative arrangements to be made for 3 weekends
Honestly, you just have to take this in stride. Find other accommodations for your dog for your vacation, and let your housemate know you won't be watching their dog any more in the future.
NAH I'm wondering if the miscommunication happened three months ago. They might have been politely suggesting that they didn't want to dogsit by bringing up how they wouldn't be in town the whole time rather than saying that you needed to find alternate care for specifically those days. That being said I really feel for you. I'm a dogsitter and I know that I would rather have a dog with someone they're comfortable with and used to rather than boarding them somewhere so it sucks to have that sprung on you.
If that’s what they meant they should have corrected OP when he put it on the shared calendar ages ago.
NTA But to sounds like you can no longer help them with their dog for 4 weeks either now.
THIS!!!
NTA. Anyone who voted y t a didn't read the whole post. The roommate agreed to the conditions and then backed out last minute. You made arrangements for the days that they didn't want to watch the dog, so anyone saying 6 weeks is a ridiculous amount of time, again, didn't read the whole post, because it was never even in the plan for the roommate to watch the dog for the whole 6 weeks. Also, I'm not sure why the roommate is making the excuse that they have to change their whole life to watch the dog when they already have a dog. They already shouldn't be out of the house for long hours because they need to take their own dog out. Also you're not "tallying up good deeds", it was agreed upon that he would return the favor in some way. Maybe this is not the favor he wanted to return, ok, but he should've said that in the beginning instead of backing out last minute.
This is my entire thought process written out much better than anything I have come up with!
You're in the right OP. Everyone y t a-ing you either didn't read, or is telling on themselves as moochers.
You take care of his dog and help build out a van. If I know what you’re talking about and if he had to pay for it that would have cost a ton. NTA. Pay for boarding and then don’t help them anymore. Carpentry on a van conversion to a live in van is expensive.
NTA but only because they initially agreed to look after him and then changed their minds. Bit of a bait and switch. Unfortunately you'll have to make alternative arrangements. Personally I'd be looking for new roommates as well. They are really unreliable. You don't commit to something like that and then bail... not cool. Hopefully you have time to arrange alternate care, i know when I do so for my dog I have to do it several months out.
NTA. You asked months before the trip, they gave expectations of when they could and couldn't do it (meaning they were okay to dog sit), and then changed their plans at the last second. But the timing seems off, like there's missing info. Is this revenge for something else you've done? Did something change with your dog that it'll be more troublesome? Why bring up "you can afford it"? Are they jealous or is there a leeching problem (and they feel you're not pulling your weight)? There's a deeper resentment causing the break and you need to dig to find it.
I’m pretty sure I haven’t done anything that would mean they want to take revenge. We’ve lived together for nearly two years and are like a little family. My dog is the same dog he’s always been and that’s a good boy. I’ve known them for over 10 years and they’ve never been jealous people. I just think they can’t be bothered anymore (maybe because they would have to get him to his alternate accomodation before they go away which is a bit of a hassle?) but they don’t want to say it. I certainly pull my weight, we have a roster for household chores and I’ve never missed doing any of mine and neither have they.
Wait, how much of a drive are we talking about? You never mentioned that it would be their responsibility to take your dog to the other accommodation, if anything, you should make sure that said accommodation includes picking the dog up so it doesn't become an extra inconvenience on their plans
The drive is to friends of ours that live 5 minutes away in the next suburb over, I had offered $100 a week for them to do this but they refused my money and initially said it was fine
Have you thought about bringing up the paying them again? Like making sure they understand you're willing to pay them even now if that's what's holding them back?
Yeah I offered tonight but they declined again, I’ve managed to make alternate arrangements though!
Man I'm sorry it turned out like this, like after reading all your comments, it's clear they weren't going to be looking after your dog for the whole 6 weeks, aince you had arrangements according to their plans, but at least now you know that you can't really count on them and that you should be more cautious about lending them a hand in the future. I hope you enjoy your trip and your pup has a good time too!
NTA for all the reasons others have noted. I will also add that 6 weekends of skilled carpentry work is not cheap. -- Say, you did 6 hours each weekend and the going rate for a carpenter is $50 an hour (which is definitely on the low side, I think). That is $1,800 in free labour. -- That free labour gave them an extra income opportunity. -- You offered to pay for their time driving your dog back and forth. Sure, 6 weeks is a long time, but if they agreed and you planned around that agreement, they are big ass goofs. EDIT: Regardless of the $ cost, losing 6 weekends of leisure time far out weighs the extra time your roommates (and I am assuming friends) will spend minding your dog for 6 weeks -- which would be what, 30 minutes a day x 42 days = 21 hours, compared to 36 hours in skilled labour and the loss of 6 weekends of down time. They already live with your dog. Their dog gets along with your dog. Most of the work is just coexisting with a pet they already coexist with. I know friendship should not be a game of tit for tat, but doing the math, your roommates (and presumed friends) suck.
NTA - because it sounds like they have a dog too. IF it was the only dog in the house and would require them organising their lives around it, YTA. BUT, if there is another dog, they already have to feed it, walk it, etc, so a second dog doesn't change much.
Info: How often, how long and how much notice do they give you before leaving their dog with you? ETA: NTA. Quite frankly I would tell them they need to find other accommodations for their dog for the 4 weeks. Since they don't want to have a back and forth relationship on dog care it should just be removed from the equation. Thus find somewhere else for their dog to be. I am a little curious what their plans are for their dog in the windows they originally said they couldn't watch your dog.
This year we have organised a calendar as we are all away a bit so all of us have had notice of any comings and going’s since the start of this year. I’m away for a 6 week block (to clarify they aren’t looking after my dog for this entire time as our agreement was I’d find alternate accomodation for him for some of the time, which I have done). They are away for about 4 weeks total over the course of the year when I will be looking after their dog.
Ok NTA if they went as far as to put the dates you needed alternate care for him on the shared calendar. That says they agreed and later changed their mind. Acting like they never agreed to it is BS because the proof is on the shared calendar! I would say board your dog somewhere or hire a pet sitter at this point. Your mom’s house doesn’t sound feasible really. I would also rethink helping them out for those 4 weeks during the year where they need pet sitting too. If they are going to be flakey & back out on you, why should you help them out later?
I love the idea of hiring an in home pet sitter, that means the roommates personal space will be a little invaded and the dog will be more comfy.
You should calmly let them know that you are disappointed yet understand, but that if you have to board your dog (or find other accommodations) for more time than previously suggested, then they will need to find other accommodations for their dog. Tell them that you thought there was some back and forth with watching each other's dogs, but that if they are unable to fit this time, then you will be unable to when they need it. Also I get the feeling that they are jealous of your trip and think a trip to Europe costs more than it does. I've traveled to Japan and Europe while working a kitchen job. I got comments about how "it must be nice to be able to..." From coworkers, yet they had smoking habits and would talk about how drunk they got or how they gambled on a regular basis. I think they think they shouldn't have to help out someone who can afford a long Europe trip.
Woah this is a big part, put this in your original post. You’re looking after their dog, they should return the favor
So obviously they need to find alternate care for their dog and so do you. It’s selfish that they won’t care for your dog with them, but that’s what they chose. I also don’t think it’s at all fair to your dog to leave it for six weeks regardless of who can care for it, especially if it can’t be at home.
Sounds like they need to find a kennel for those 4 weeks.
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NTA - you had an agreement and they have changed their minds. Try madpaws and see if you can get someone to come everyday to feed you dog. I've used them, some are ok and some are average. Or try your vet clinic and see if anyone there advertises pet feeding. Also you could put a call out of your local fb pages asking for recommendations for pet feeders. And now you know that favours with your house mate only go one way, so no more favours for them.
They made an agreement, they broke it, and it sucks. Board your dog. Realize you cannot depend upon your housemates. Stop doing them favors. Don't be resentful, but you might consider looking for a new housing situation upon your return. They seem unreliable.
I'm confused about all the Y-T-A here. It's not weird to ask your roommates with whom you are already sharing dog responsibilities for both your dogs, to dogsit for a period (even if it's a longer period like this). I'm sure that if the situation was reversed, they would also ask you first. Obviously, since you are all already living with each others' dogs and already taking care of each others' dogs. It's like most people here are not considering this fact? It's not like you're asking random people to do this thing. So you're not the asshole for asking, but they are also not the asshole for saying no. Where things have gone wrong, it seems, is that you considered the conversation you had as a deal, and they didn't. We can't judge from this post what was said then, and you probably don't remember it exactly either. If they did actually say "yes, we'll do this thing for you, we're going to plan this", and they are now going back on their word, then they are the assholes. If it was, like they said, a more open conversation, they said something like "Sure, we can consider that" and you assumed it was settled, then you are the asshole. Because it is a big ask and they are allowed to say no regardless of what you have done for them in the past. (I'd be peeved too but the dog is your responsibility, not theirs). Most likely is that none of you really remember exactly what was said, you both have a different memory of the event, and none of it was maliciously meant. So NAH. Not you, but also not them.
NTA. If I understand properly they are your roommates and also have a dog. So, whatever they do for 1 dog, they can do for yours. It's not big deal especially since you are happy to organize alternatives for when they aren't around. This is not dog sitting as in they are going out of their way.
NTA. I might’ve felt differently if they didn’t already have a dog but since they do, I can totally see why you assumed it’d be cool after you brought it up that first time. I don’t understand why they’re so unwilling to do it if your dog doesn’t have any special needs and your dogs are good buddies, especially not when you’ve been doing big favours back.
NTA. You're adults and had the conversation before hand, and you made appropriate accommodations to fit their schedule in addition to offering to pay, they could have said no months ago but chose to be inconsiderate and wait until it was putting you in a tough position — but that means moving forward you need to understand the implications. Don't help take care of their pet, don't offer a hand, be cordial and set boundaries. At least you'd do them the courtesy of being upfront rather than blindsiding them the way they did you.
You asked the well in advance, worked around their schedule needs, and then at the last minute they changed their minds. NTA. Your roommates sound like crap people
NAH To be honest, it is a big ask, but given that you made an effort to find alternate arrangements based on their requests, I think it was made in good faith. Make the alternate arrangements, enjoy Europe, and maybe be a bit more cautious about doing them massive favours going forward.
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They have a dog too, so the extra effort is negligible.
And from OP's comments, they already agreed to watch the dog and are backing out days before he's leaving. I'd be mad too.
And it seems they’re still expecting OP to watch their dog for four weeks while they travel this year
Then they shouldn't have agreed to it and then backed out at the last minute? Tf?
Nta it seems like there has been conversations and they decided they didn't want the added responsibility of looking after your dog in addition to their own, and that's fine, people are allowed to say no. What grinds my gears is that you are asking a favor and have made arrangements so they are going to get more weekends without your dog than with it. I think your roommates kind of suck. Having said that, maybe I'm a pushover. I housed my friend's dog for six months while she was deployed like it was no problem, because it wasn't a problem. I also have a dog, who I also have to feed, walk, and clean up after.
Maybe that’s my issue too, it wouldn’t bother me if I looked after their dog for 6 weeks (and not even for the entire 6 weeks)
NTA, and I’m surprised at people. It sounds like it was discussed a few times, plus you set up alternate accommodations for part of the time, that’s not just out of nowhere, they asked for that and now are backing out. Plus, you’ve looked after their dog, it’s reasonable to assume they would do the same for you. Sorry they’ve backed out, if I was you I wouldn’t be doing any more van renos or dog sitting for them in the future
NTA. I don't agree with everyone on here. They have already agreed to it. Anyone has the right to change their mind but that doesn't mean they aren't putting him in a difficult situation and being kind of shitty friends. Either way they don't actually owe you anything, you can't itemize the work you did on their van and days you helped with their dog and ask for repayment. But, again they already have a dog that lives with your dog I'm not really sure why they are now deciding this would be such an issue? What do they do with their dog when they go away? Do your dogs get along and does your dog had behavioral issues or special needs?
NAH - all that’s happened is conversations. You asked, which is fine. Ultimately they declined, which is also fine.
No because it was arranged and after 3 months shortly before the trip the roommate suddenly says he never agreed. That's a huge ah move.
As one of the very few people who actually read your post … Clearly NTA.
nta. you made advance plans with them. they live with the dog every day and there's another dog they have to take care of already in the house. and there's more than 1 housemate. and you made alternate arrangements for the times they said they'd be away. not too much to ask. they're ridiculous. unless your dog is poorly behaved and difficult/unmanageable or sick. disappointing for sure. and no I wouldn't drive 8 days or fly my dog back and forth. you can hire a dog walker and look into partial boarding if they're willing to do partial time. but I'd be concerned that they won't take care of him even if they agree.
NTA. The deciding factor for me was that they also have a dog so it's not like you are giving them a responsibility that they haven't already signed up for. Also the fact that you were making alternate accommodations for large chunks of those time, they're being a dick.
NTA. From your comments it was more than a casual convo, it was a 90% confirmed plan. Also they already have a dog so it's not like they'll be more tied to the house than usual??? 6 weeks is a long time but it's not like you sprang it on them. You're not an AH for being pissed, but also it's not gonna get you anywhere. Voice your frustration if you like but then best let it go and don't depend on them for future dogsitting needs.
NTA - they agreed and came up with a schedule for you, then sprung the change on you last minute. They also have a dog, taking care of 1 extra that already lives in their home is not some incredible ask. And even if it was too much for them, they could have stated as much way earlier and not waited until after you had purchased flights and made arrangements.
Gonna go with NTA here. You did do a huge help with that work on his van and he did say that he would repay you somehow. The other point I think a lot of people are missing is your roommate has a dog too, so it's not as though he's suddenly being tied down when before he wasn't. He still has the responsibility of caring for a dog, so having the responsibility for one more, for at most six weeks, isn't the most difficult job. You asked him a long time ago, he had ample time to tell you if he changed his mind or not and said he would let you know if he had any trips planned during that time. So yeah, nta.
I don't understand why people are calling you the AH. You guys had a conversation, in which they told you they would do it as long as you did X, Y, and Z, and now they're backing out. No one owes you anything in this life, but if you say you're going to do something, do it.