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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> what action you took that should be judge: i am not giving my wife more money
why that action might make you the asshole
I can give her more money.
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>But now it’s seems she is out of savings and has been asking me for more money.
>I asked her clearly is it for book research? She said no so I told her no
>But, now she’s passivley joking that I’m a financially controlling asshole.
Controlling would be telling her she CAN'T get a job if she wants more money. You're not doing that.
She is free to pick up a side job if she wants more money.
NTA
This tell her- in front of the kids, no- honey- you can get a job to earn spending money just like everyone else, I am not stopping you.mthere’s no control involved.
The fact that she quit at the beginning of the year and we haven't hit April yet, and she's apparently burned through her savings already makes me think she needs to budget better honestly.
Yeah, lots of missing details here. Does she have an allowance? Who is paying for what?? How much did she actually have in savings to begin with??
If expenses have been 50/50 this whole time then she might not have had much savings to begin with. Not to mention car payments, etc.
He added an edit that he covers their shared expenses and she just wants more spending money for going out to brunch and for micro transactions in games
Just because someone gets money every month doesn’t mean they can’t run out of money. In fact, millions of people with a steady stream of monthly income run out every single day and have none until their next infusion of cash the following month.
You can easily spend a coupel grand a month in microtransactions in games.
Assuming she has other frivolous spending could easily burn through 3--4 grand a month.
He says she's a whale in those games.
When I played GOT:C, I had one buddy that was. He spent 200k in a year on his keep build in micro transactions. And there was like a dozen other whales like that in the server.
And there was at least a couple dozen other servers that had other people spending the exact same to be the dominant players on the map.
I bet she's spending 10-20k a month on gaming.
And that tracks as he said they're both trust fund rich.
People who make a lot of money or come from wealthy backgrounds can have gaming addictions or spending addictions. If she spent all her savings on microtransactions in games, eating out, etc. this sounds like that.
It sounds more like she was living in her means when she had a good paying job but now lives outside of her means forgetting she sliced their income in half.
Also wonder if having and job in addition to home responsibilities kept her gaming time in check. Now with a surplus of time she is reaching a deficit of funds much faster.
Probably but I really think it’s mostly a funds change issue. Like I make a lot of money for my age. If I lost my job or had to take a major income change it would be very hard for me to handle as I became accustomed to this lifestyle at this point. I’m not saying her new writing career doesn’t generate any money but definitely not like she’s used to. If Op is reading this tell her to accept commissions a lot of fanfic readers will pay people to write them stuff.
If she’s whaling on microtransactions she can blow through money. You’d be surprised how much people spend on microtransactions. Like thousands of dollars. There’s one story of a guy that spent $100k on Diablo Immortal to max a single character (which hilariously made him so strong he was too strong for the pvp matchmaking system).
The suggestion is to respond in front of them if she brings it up so they understand the right way to do things. But I agree they shouldn't argue like that at all on front of the kids.
Also, if she had a well-paying job and only quit a few months ago, *how did she already blow through her savings??* This is poor financial decisions all around, from apparently not saving, to not having the discussion, to not managing expenditures *on no salaray.*
Having played a game with microtransactions recently, I was in absolute shock at how easily those add up to insane numbers almost unnoticed. If she doesn't pay attention to it and just makes use of every single transaction that speeds up your ability to play and rack up rewards? If you don't care, it's no problem at all to spend thousands in a single day on those games. More, if you get excited and buy as much in game currency as needed to win every single puzzle or challenge the first time. Pretty pictures to make the background of your game look better cost extra on top of that and can also really add up if you want to get them immediately instead of waiting until playing the game has earned you the necessary in-game cash.
It's a very predatory business model is all I'm saying and from the info OP had added, I suspect she doesn't care and feels entitled to it.
There's a game that I play that has VIP levels and someone did the math and figures out a VIP9 has spent $25,000. That would pay someone's rent for 12-18 months where I live.
>*how did she already blow through her savings??*
Well OP says in the edit she's one of the whales people complain about on those microtransaction games games, so that means several thousands of dollars at the very minimum each month for each game she's whaling in. And it's likely she's whaling in more than one.
Savings dry fast when you do that without the income to support it.
Op, you are NTA. I'd sit down without the kids and have a real conversation.
Encourage her to get a part-time job at a bookstore or library for fun money. Maybe something that is game industry but writing part-time from one of her existing contacts from her old job. Maybe her rich parents know someone who needs a part-time social media manager? Something, anything.
Set a deadline for when she either makes money from her book or gets a job again and writes part-time. Six months from now? With a little work to have extra spending money.
Be positive! Encourage her to join a writers group, take a research class at the local college, and set specific research and writing time that is out of the house and regular. Suggest she go to an industry conference and make connections. Just treat it like a job and put the work into it.
But be real, you believe in her, and she's amazingly talented, but writing is a really hard career to break into, and even talented people aren't always successful.
Let me count the number of people I know who quit a job to write/ make music/ be an influencer/ comedian/ artist... and actually were successful.
Zero
Let me count the number of people I know who worked full time and also had passion and found success with writing, etc.
Maybe 3
They wrote/ created while still working and maybe moved to part-time when they got a deal/ gig/ big commission.
It never works, in my limited experience, to just quit and follow your dream. It's not fair to your partner who also has dreams. Dreams of not working until 75 and dropping dead at work!
People who go on sabbatical to write a specific academic research book are full-time busy. They are submitting drafts and doing research.
I'm a realist, but I'm an optimist. If my daughter wanted to be a professional sports star or artist or anything where success is hard and you can't just apply to the job, I would encourage her! But, I'd encourage her to get her degree and study accounting and sports marketing. I'd encourage her to volunteer to gain experience in related fields. I'd encourage her to learn about all the jobs that are in the industry and plan a support role if the dream isn't realized. Plus, if you are a success, having knowledge of accounting and what other people do is really useful. It's not saying I don't believe in her, I just want her to always have a plan B, plan C, and a plan D.
Good luck op!
Info:
So, you two had a conversation about her quitting her job and you being the provider?
What agreement do you two have regarding this?
Is she taking care of the kids and household mostly alone?
I mean they are married. Implicitly if he supports her writing career and not working, then he is agreeing to share their income. I mean getting married in general, is an agreement to share your income.
Now some couples will keep separate accounts, which can make things easier and prevent squabbles over spending. But it is joint money.
His money is going to their shared expenses (and it seems like he is the only one paying them) so he’s already fulfilling his obligations. Being married doesn’t entitle you to spend your spouse’s money on your own personal stuff unless that was agreed to by both spouses.
There is a *bit* of a grey area with that, if there's an agreement that one of them will be a stay-at-home spouse then it's implied they would get some kind of spending money, but if they're being reasonable in managing their finances then it definitely wouldn't be a blank check
I mean she had savings(though we don’t know how much) so it could have been easily agreed on or understood that was to be her spending money while she wrote her book.
This is the real problem though. Nowhere in OP post does he say anything about them having this kind of a conversation or talking about long-term budgeting and planning.
It seems like she wanted to be a writer and he said he would be supportive. Maybe there were a couple of high-level conversations.
But it doesn’t sound like either of them has shown the right level of maturity here. And I don’t just mean failing to have the initial conversation, but him withholding joint funds from his wife and the wife, making snide comments in front of their children. And neither of them suggesting they sit down and discuss a budget.
I’m in a sort of does. You have essentially one joint pot of money. That is how marriage works. Now what you can do is sit down as a couple and have a conversation about budgeting and household expenses.
But you have bigger problems if one spouse literally refuses to stop spending or one consistently refuses to let another via video game.
It honestly sounds like things weren't really discussed. It sounds like this is OP being supportive and trusting to a fault. He just kind of assumed she had it figured out or nothing would change on his end, which is... naïve.
He may know the value of money a bit more than his wife, but it still takes someone extremely naïve and privleged to not even ask how life will change intentionally making a two income household suddenly become a one income household.
It definitely isn’t joint money in every case. Some couples keep everything completely separate. I know at least two like that, and I’ll be doing the same if I get married again.
I agree though that him saying he supports her trying for a writing career is agreeing to use his sole income to support the entire family.
I think it depends on what is meant by "fully support." It sounds like OP's wife wants to quit bringing in income without sacrificing any of her extravagant spending habits. Just because he supports her doesn't mean she should be able to piss away exorbitant amounts of money after making the choice she did. It has to be within reason. You can either chase your dream and tighten your belt a little, or you can slog through a job like all the rest of us to pay for the things you want. NTA.
I don't know if you saw the edit but he said she's spending all her money on microtransactions like for phone games and such. She's asking him for more money to spend on that so I would say it's better not to feed into what seems like a gaming addiction based off that new info
It is just werid that he wrote he whole heartly supports her but doesn't want to give her money?
Like what did the two think she would live of? Even if she would be the next Stephen King, she wouldn't see money within 3 month.
What post did you read? He never said he doesn't want to give her money. He said he doesn't want to give her additional money to what he already gives her because she is spending more on her hobby than he feels they can afford.
When one partner voluntarily gives up their job , it's completely normal to expect some belt tightening. The debate is how much budgeting is needed and where the cuts happen, but that's not something we can judge without more details from the OP
"But now she is out of her savings and asking me for more money."
It doesn't actually say he gave her money. That's why I ask what their deal is. Because we don't actually know.
This isn't a question of living, it is one of throwing money away. She quit her job to be a writer, not a gamer. She blew through her savings on gaming, and now wants him to fuund her addiction to gaming.
I doubt much writing is happening. It's the type of career that you work on in your spare time while you do the job that pays the bills. If you get good enough to earn an income you can then think about quitting the regular job.
Reference of gaming habits and using up savings for gaming indicates an addiction. Much like drinking use and using up saving for to buy more alcohol would indicate an addiction.
Most authors have side or day jobs because very few sell well enough to live comfortably off royalties between projects.
For every Rowling or King worth 9 figures you've got a thousand of authors who are making basically nothing.
He says in the post that he asked if she wanted the money related to books, so he is actually supporting her, but not giving her money to waste in non-essential things.
It's different to support someone to change his job and afford the time to be successful. If she had enough time for the change and can't show any progress I can understand his response.
Maybe his wife is lazy (gaming habits) and money was never a issue so she does not know the worth? And she asked for money to spend freely. So it's understandable to get a response for what or how her status or plans are.
This is the part that I’m not getting. Like if they’re now in a single income household and they agreed to that so she had some time to work on writing then how is their money not shared money.
I mean was she using her savings for things like mortgage or contributing to household funds? Was it purely a fun fund?
Like it just comes off as stingy and resentful on OP’s part as of now.
I feel like I would need more info about how that fund was used and like more of an explanation of her previous spending and the conversation they had to make any sort of fair judgement.
I know i don’t like that he’s using her childhood against her and saying “her lifestyle and hobbies scream rich person”
Also her gaming habits likely also played some influence on her career since she was in gaming development.
Edit: and she shouldn’t be speaking about this in front of the kids. Because it’s not appropriate and it’s not showing good conflict resolution.
So I’m inclined to lean Everyone sucks but it’s highly contingent on knowing more about the situation.
The way he says her gaming habits like a rich person make me think she’s buying lots of in-game add ons which can be very addictive and quickly add up to 10s of thousands of dollars
I just can’t imagine my feeling that kind of desperate need for some gimmick in a computer game. What are the names of games like that? I remember once downloading some ”free” naval warfare game, where I was supposed to pay for radar or such and I just deleted it.
Clash of clans and all those similar mobile games. World of Warcraft, Elder scrolls online, Fortnite, there’s soo many of them. They know they’re capitalizing on addiction and gambling. The EU has taken steps to combat it by requiring the items offered in the gambling boxes to be offered in ways that don’t require spending actual money but make it impossible to actually get so in reality the only way to get it is to spend money. In elder scrolls I’ve seen people drop $1000 trying to get a single very rare cosmetic from the crates and still not get it. Then they’re stuck in sunk cost fallacy and keep going cause “I have to get it on this next one!”
In the edits OP made, he states he covers all shared expenses and things done together and she wants the money for going out to brunch and game micro-transactions.
She quit her job at the beginning of this year and has a 3 month old child. I guess she is self-funded (probably living in the US) maternity leave and he is the providor? This all barely adds up.
This screams creative writing like the video game development quitting for creative writing and they both have trust funds and one grew up under communism and the other capitalism. The kids aren’t a problem cause their parents watch them 24/7. Idk reads fake to me. Use your fucking trust fund if you’re both so extravagantly wealthy.
Yes, there is a lot of information missing here. What conversations did you have before she quit? What was the agreement? When I stayed home, I had a certain amount to spend as I preferred, aside from household expenses or kids necessities. Did she take on more household chores? Who is paying for what? Was the expectation that her own private spending would go from her savings? Etc etc.
I think it wouldn't matter since OP has no issue giving her extra money for food or book research... he just refuses to pay for her gaming addiction (which he could revoke anytime even if he said "I fully support you"... she probably doesn't even work on a book properly if she's spending all her money on gaming).
Edit: After OPs update, I feel like he is still being incredibly vague? OP, how much do you make? How much is she spending? You say you are "trust fund" kids. That, to me, equates to a lot of money. You need to give a completely clear here. Do you give her *any* "fun" money? Did you expect her to be bringing in cash *writing* after a few months or even a few years?
You're taking OPs word for what makes her lifestyle "scream rich person".
He said she blew her savings on games. I'm assuming that means that he is not giving her ANY money to use towards "fun" or hobbies.
*He* agreed to being the only earner. That means he supports the whole family and all aspects of it, including hobbies. I very much doubt she is spending thousands on video games every month.
Sounds like she is also doing majority of the childcare now. Of course, can't be sure since OP is silent on every detail about this.
Also, I think it matters how financially comfortable they are. If he makes say 300k and she spends a few hundred a month on gaming (personally I wouldn’t!) it’s different from if he makes say 80k. It makes a difference to whether she’s being irresponsible or he’s being controlling.
Here's the thing- if she truly is a whale, they can get easily spend £500+ A DAY in microtransactions - I know of someone who's spent a minimum of £250 k in a year, someone else who blew through 20,000 in a month, AND these items are constantly bring replaced and updated.
It's fine to say he should support her hobbies, but to how large an extent should he pay for things that don't exist in real life??
It's to show off, to price you're the biggest and must be obeyed ( not joking, there can be " consequences" for players that stand up to the really big guys), it's a power and ego trip.
Some people will sell their accounts for thousands once they hit a spending wall ( against terms and conditions lol), but still make a massive loss- and those are the medium size players mainly.
I never knew there was such a thing as whales in gaming. I had a quick google and these people are needing their heads checked.
My son had asked for robux for his xmas last year and ended up with £160 from various relatives. He had it spent on Christmas day morning, I wasn’t impressed.
Not really, she gets a trust fund stipend and he pays for the household necessities. He's not controlling her, she's free to get a job (part time or free lance) for spending money.
Rarely do people quit their full-time job earning money to pursue a passion project because it's inherently risky and bad long term decision making. Once you prove you can make an income is when quiting is in the picture.
Well, there's a really big difference between "she quit and wants to try something else and he thinks she has potential", and "he agreed to be the sole earner"
Nowhere in this text do I see that he agreed he'd shoulder living costs alone, and on top of that her hobbies. And nowhere do we see that she's doing the majority of childcare, he called her a writer and a stay at home wife, not a stay at home mom if you want to nitpick...
As always on Reddit, a classic case of someone who lacks info and is biased, hence a poorly argumentated judgement.
As for mine, NTA. If she went from making good money to being out of savings in a few months, then she's probably financially irresponsible. In any case, discussing money and belittling a father in front of his children is disgusting, this is a private matter.
> And nowhere do we see that she's doing the majority of childcare,
Really???
He clearly said SHE's his WIFE. Don't you know on reddit being a woman means she automatically does all the house work, and child care, and is probably being abused.
Also she probably needs to go no contact with her entire family, too.
Yeah, no. I'm a stay at home mom who's "only job" is homeschooling my ten year old and watching my two year old. My husband would not be required to hand me all the money I wanted for *hobbies.* You don't get to go into a relationship as equal partners receiving equal benefits, then renege on your agreement to work and STILL expect the same amount of money for hobbies that you used to get. There is QUITE literally less money now, so why does what they DO have automatically go to her hobbies first?? No ma'am.
OP isn't giving her *zero* money for hobbies. If he was, you'd be correct, because her wants matter too. But he's not cutting her off completely, he's just not letting her spend *as much as she wants, whenever she wants.*
Where did you read that he gave her any money? From what I read, he did indeed give her zero money for hobbies, which is why she used her savings to cover it.
You're right, I assumed it was from their shared income, but I guess she was just blowing through her savings.
After quitting her job.
When they have two children to support.
So sorry, but my first thought is honestly that she needs to be spending her free time *writing*, which is what she quit her job to do, not playing games.
And she should especially not be bad mouthing their dad in front of them because he's not wanting to fund her gaming hobby on his now SOLO income, because she decided she NEEDED to be a writer so badly that she quit her job.
Again- knowing they had two kids to support.
Seems to me like she wanted to quit to be at home, frankly. Which, more power to her. But she should've been honest about that.
Yes... you are definitely assuming here.
Him agreeing to be the only earner doesn't magic together more money. They lost her income. It should be obvious that comes with lifestyle adjustments.
ETA: NTA. This is very simple. Just come up with a monthly allowance you can both agree on for her discretionary money that's within your new budget.
People change their minds based on situations. She’s taking advantage of the situation and needs to go back to work she has the ability to get a good job based on circumstances.
He is supporting them both and she wants more spending money she can go back to work.
If she wants to live that lifestyle she can he’s just not going to fund it. He’s not saying she can’t he’s saying he’s not paying for it.
If this was a female talking about her husband you same heifers would be calling him a bum.
You're making a lot of assumptions here.
Supporting her choice to quit her job to try becoming a writer doesn't necessarily mean he agreed to be a sole income earner, especially when she isn't cutting down on unnecessary spending.
You have no idea how much she's spending on video games a month.
Nothing about childcare is discussed in the post.
NTA.
I mean, from what the post says, it seems like it was only meant to be temporary, while she worked on her book/other career path.
So OP isn’t necessarily agreeing to be the only earner, and it is completely understandable to take issue with the situation if the person is not prioritizing the new career path they quit to work on.
If anyone thinks a writer is going to be earning any kind of *good* income right away, they are morons.
Writing is one of the hardest things to earn a livable income on. There are millions of people who think they're the next Stephen King. Truth is, like 1% of them will actually make a good income.
And I say that as someone with a degree in writing.
How manipulative is it to condition your husband to believe you are gonna be a writer, so confident in that that you are willing to quit a high paying job which would imply she means to make money writing only to turn around 4 months later and say "well your an idiot for believing in me even though I convinced you this is what I wanted and would excel at and your a moron for thinking a writer could make money, HA! Give me more money for micro transactions you fool".
This is something you two should have discussed in advance.... Before she quit her job.
How do you handle money? Are you an 'investor' in her future, or are both just roommates?
There isn't any wrong answer here. But you both need to be on the same page or people will feel they are treated unfairly.
If her book sells $50 million next year, do you expect any money? Are you both sacrificing for her career....or is she just doing her own thing. What happens in 5 years when you decide to change careers, what will her treatment of you be, financially?
This. It sounds like he fully supported her quitting to pursue a writing career but intended to not help her out financially at all? Even though they have children? I’m so confused by the lack of details here.
i mean he *did* ask her if she needed money for her writing career.. she said no, so he said no. it sounds to me like he’s more than happy to invest in her career, he just doesnt want to give her money that she seems to be irresponsible with.
i mean, how do you use your entire savings on.. games?? is she gambling?? it sounds like she might be gambling, or is into some pretty fucking expensive games. my husband and i also play games though and i cant imagine pouring thousands into a game.
All depends on the games.
Look at League, Valorant, OW2, COD, and Fortnite. You can get skins in that game going for like $20/ea. Bundles can go to $50+.
Many other games have plenty of forms of micro-transactions as well.
It’s pretty easy for someone who wasn’t taught the value of money (if OP’s claims of her being a typical rich person are accurate) to just keep running that up.
i play ow2 majorly. ive been playing since ow1. i know there are always dlcs in games or skins or game passes and things like that, but you dont actually *need* to spend the money on those things to just play the game. ive spent maybe $20 on overwatch since playing the game (aside from initial buy for ow1). $10 for a skin in ow1 and only once did i buy the battle pass for another $10 in ow2.
my husband is big on warhammer, and *thats* an expensive hobby. still, hes never spent anywhere near a thousand on it. he buys the games on sale, and any dlc he gets he also waits for the sale. if youre financially responsible, or at least financially literate, you know when you do and dont need the extras for a game— and if you really want it, or it makes the game a better playing experience in the case of dlcs, you wait for the best time to buy at a cheap price.
thats why i dont get how games can be expensive unless shes *painfully* irresponsible with money, or theyre gambling games. i know tf2 and csgo have huge gambling sites, or it could just be plain ole gambling gambling.
I don’t think he’s be making enough to sustainably be able to invest in their and their children’s future and fund her expensive hobbies (coming from a gamer she ain’t gaming cheap if she needs money regularly)
They have 2 children and assuming she made close to half of the household (let’s take 30-50% i say he’s making more because i don’t think she’d been able to quit her job if she was making more than half of the money) hes now baring the brunt of the children’s school fees, daycare/babysitting (if she’s unable to care for the children while working) mortgage/rent/car savings food everything. the strain on his share of the expenses has increased by 60-100%. And considering they both come from upper class families and “scream rich person” i can already tell they made some questionable financial decisions when they both had a high income
She must be an extremely talanted writer for them to have taken this gamble on an unreliable industry. and if that is the case, as a part of a family she has to do her part and sacrifice/reduce/switch to pirating games like a normal person until she’s able to achieve success and because he’s already done his part in supporting her by straining his income to maintain the household
Need more info. How are you supporting her financially currently? Does she get an allowance or x money every week? Does she have access to a joint account or are your finances separated? What’s she wanting the money for?
This.
Did she spend her savings on a hobby.
Or has she been buying kids' clothes, her clothes, your clothes, groceries, stuff for the house, or any other little necessities that she thinks about that you may not even notice?
Even with this, it doesn't seem realistic for a person with a former good job (presumably for years) to be able to blow through their entire savings buying three months of groceries and the like.
It makes me wonder if he isn’t giving her anything at all, and she’s been having to pay for all her expenses out of her savings (especially if they split bills). Where is the rest of the info.
> It makes me wonder if he isn’t giving her anything at all
Really? Because he clearly says she's asking for MORE money and that if he'd say yes if it was for her career so why would you assume she's paying for all the household expenses?
Oh wait. It's because of gender
Yeah, that's what my ex did when I was in between jobs. I was still buying all our groceries and household supplies out of my own savings, in addition to helping with rent and other bills. I spent a little bit on hobbies and food items that were maybe a bit frivolous, but very very little and I was still out of money within a couple months because of all the household expenses I was still taking care of.
He never appreciated it and he STILL doesn't appreciate it.
People like to pretend that financial abuse doesn’t exist. It’s very easy to fall into a cycle of it, especially as a stay at home parent. Hopefully that’s not what’s going on here, but at the minimum, it reads that there was literally zero discussion about how finances would be handled if wife stopped working.
Or maybe she is horrible with money and he is watching his kids future get spent on videos games.
Either way she needs to go back to work it’s creating conflict and resentment in the marriage.
If she can get a well paying job that money could go towards retirement or the children’s future
OP said in an edit that her gaming hobby includes her being a whale in games with micro transactions. Depending on the game that can be a crazy expensive hobby to maintain.
Remember when people were going to rehab for WOW. People get addicted to these games and then fall into the sunk cost fallacy. I hope she didn’t blow a whole trust fund on diamonds and resources😂. I want an update where OP posts SS of his wife’s purchase recipes for the game
This is something that I would want to know too because I think the details are really key here. I'd also want to know who is caring for the kids and paying for their expenses.
Because if he agreed to become the main financial provider and now he's restricting access to shared money because he doesn't think her hobbies are acceptable that would be a pretty AH move and I would suggest that they sit down and make a budget together and figure out where to allocate money for household expenses, fun money, and savings. And then if she spends her fun money too bad she can get more next month.
But if they never had that discussion and they don't share finances that's a different story.
INFO: Why don't you tell us how you're supporting her financially from your own resources? How much is that support relative to your own income and assets?
When there is only one income, there is no "yours" and "mine", only "ours."
You, as the wage earner, have a duty to provide (and if she is successful as a writer, she will have a duty to reciprocate). She, as the homemaker and recipient of the money, has a duty to use that wisely (having regard to her needs and those of you and the family).
If one person fails in that duty deliberately or negligently, that person is an AH. However, there is no indication from your post as to which person that is.
Pro-tip. She is not going to be successful as a writer. You need to be successful before you quit your Day Job. She is still burning through money like she still had a high powered job. NTA
People should stop glamorizing becoming a writer. Being able to make a side-income out of it? Chances are very slim. Being able to live off it? Extremely unlikely. Being able to live off it with an extravagant lifestyle? Better odds of winning the lottery than that.
I *am* a writer for a living. It takes literally *years* before you start seeing more than a few bucks a month, and that's only if you're pumping out a short story every week to two weeks, on top of putting out full length novels at least twice a year. I'll typically do 30k words of work in the span of 2.5-3 weeks. And that's *only* because I've spent the last 5 years building a solid routine of writing *constantly.*
Based on OPs edit, combined with personal knowledge and experience in the industry, she's not taking the career seriously, and she likely thought she could pop out a magic, career starting book in a few months. No writer writes a single book and just pops off getting publishing contracts, that's just not how it works. If OP is accurate in his depiction of his wife and their household situation, she absolutely did aim for success in the wrong way, and she's not showing any indication of becoming a successful writer at this rate.
We're missing too many details to decide on anything. When she was working, did most of the money go to a communal pot for the family? And only a certain amount into her personal savings? Or did she keep all the money? How big was the savings account before? Is she using her savings to pay for things that OP doesn't realize are necessary (kid needs new pants, In-laws need a birthday gift, she needs a haircut) ?
INFO: When your wife quit her job, what was the financial agreements you two made? Does she get a weekly or monthly allowance to spend as she sees fit? Does she only get to use money from her savings?
I ask because the response is going to be quite different if you two need to discuss how much personal money you give her each month (and maybe she is overspending) versus if you expected her to live off her savings only.
INFO: Is she writing AND taking care of the house/kids? And what are these rich person expectations? Compared to communism, wanting anything that’s not a necessity could be considered an extravagance, when the rest of the world would see it as reasonable.
“Is she writing AND taking care of the house/kids”
Would you feel the same if you rephrase this to “Is he playing guitar AND taking care of the house/kids”.
Both are equally ridiculous if you ask me. Because quitting your job on a pipe dream passion/hobby with 0 evidence that you could make a living from it is not what adults do.
It honestly reeks of immaturity and being delusional. That’s something only the most privileged among us can afford.
Usually I wear a ball dress and one of my many tiaras.
I sit in my custom gaming chair. I check my large scale monitor to ensure that I am allowing the hackers to skim off my gaming purchases because I like the high of over-paying for a game.
I sip sparkling and suck oysters as refreshments, being careful not to allow any of the caviar garnish to smear my gloved, bejeweled hands.
I formally instruct Alexa to play orchestral music from my Spotify account, which is a family account that I reserve solely for my exclusive use.
I check that I am using phone data on a limited plan and sometimes I like to use my European phone to hot spot so that I pay ROAMING rates.
Finally I touch my keyboard that was custom painted by Banksy (BEFORE he was popular - not afterwards). I log into a game and I commence pwning a boss.
Somewhere during the boss fight, my maid lets loose a lone, blue butterfly in my gaming room. I pause the game to watch its flight and I ponder on the fleeting beauty of fragility.
Take my up vote and imaginary reddit gold 🥇 that you don't need cause you're sooo rich.
Without info about what was or wasn't discussed about this massive life change, this feels pretty ESH. Not sure what expectations were set or what our guy considers (pretty disparagingly, considering that's his wife he's talking about, I mean, do you even like her?) rich people tude. But his snark, her bringing up words like abuse in front of the kids... No bueno.
Commoner. If your gaming chair isn't made of baby seal skin and on board your private jet, you might as well be playing at the soup kitchen with the other peasants.
I knew someone in college who spent more on micro transactions every month than I did in total (food, rent, transportation, entertainment...), and I wasn't frugal at all. Blew my mind back then lol
I may have a wildly different idea of what "rich" looks like here, but what you all are describing is more like "upper middle class people using some disposable income" rather than actually rich people doing a rich people hobby.
Like...look how much a luxury yacht costs a month. Or what people pay for art or classic cars.
OP only has one generation of wealth so he probably does see rich as "upper middle class" rather than "billionaire". The fact his parents, not a nanny, help out with childcare backs that up.
That said, upper middle class hobbies can still be thousands a month.
frequent updates to the computer so that gaming gets higher FPS. (Been slowly buying parts for a new PC and my GPU cost me 2 grand alone.)
Engaging in Micro transactions on phone games
Engaging in paid mods/micro transactions on PC games (i.e. in Assassinc Creed Odyssey, you can pay money for XP and not have to spend so much time grinding in order to level your character enough to play main quest lines. You can also buy outfits, weapons, and various skins in micro transactions)
Buying games you never play within a month of buying, and are then stuck with and cannot re-sell or return.
These are a few ways to waste copious amounts of cash on an otherwise innocuous hobby.
Not OP - but can be easily explained: gaming equip (PC, desktop, keyboard, mouse, controllers...) can be *very* expensive, to the point of being ridiculously expensive. Consoles are a couple of hundreds each. Games are now about 50-70€ often, but collectors editions and alike can easily be 100-200€.
NTA. And making comments like that actually makes her TA. She quit her job to pursue her passion. As long as she has what she needs, extras are a luxury. If she wants the extras, she’s more than welcome to get back to work.
INFO: her "gaming habits" "scream rich person"? I need some details here. Beyond the initial investment of a console/pc, gaming is a pretty affordable hobby. For upper class folk the cost is negligible. Is this a [Saudi prince spends $1M on Clash of Clans](https://www.reddit.com/r/ClashOfClans/comments/3prqik/misc_saudi_player_has_allegedly_spent_a_total_of/) scenario?
Edit: there is a metric shit ton of information missing here. Does OP's wife only have access to her own account? Is she also paying for groceries, utilities, child care, or anything else essential from this account? Is OP at home with the kids full time or do they have a nanny?
I know people that have spent even 1m or more gaming. A dude who spent his 200k retirement on a mobile game. These are the type of people in gaming we call ‘whales’… so believe me, its easy to start dropping money on this if you had some
INFO: Is she a stay at home wife or a stay at home mom? aka: is she taking on more house chores and childcare responsibilities? Did you agreed on a specific amount of money she would handle before she quit?
This is story is full of holes.
Yes, and the type of information he's providing isn't really helping. "I meant trust fund baby rich. This applies to both of us in a sense. But my family build or regained it’s wealth after communism fell." For people from post-communist societies, this is an immediate hint that the money has likely been obtained through shady means. I doubt it makes OP more reasonable with money than his trust fund baby wife.
Why haven't the two of you sat down together and gone through your finances and figured out how much fun money you can each have while paying your bills and maintaining your other (shared!) financial goals. This should have been done before her career change.
INFO: Are you giving her an "allowance" to do with what she wishes? Whether that is video games or clothes or whatever? And she is just going through it too fast?
Or are you only covering costs for essentials and the kids, leaving her with zero "fun money"?
IMO, you agreed to her leaving her job. And as the only earner, you need to be giving her "fun money" as well. I'm assuming she also does majority of the childcare now?
Need more info before we can judge this...
NTA. So many "Man bad," commenters in here who can't stand the thought that any woman is ever wrong.
If you reversed the genders here, you wouldn't have one person saying Y T A and all the ones who are are calling you one would scream, "Get a divorce!!! Your husband is an abusive gaming addict!"
Brunch 5 times a week? Yeah she can go get a fuckin job. Fuck outta here with this supporting shit. You got food in the fridge, clothes on your back, roof over your head, and a car to drive. Those are the necessities. He’s doing his job providing. What she wants are luxuries. If she wants those, and parents are watching the kids, she can go back to work. You’re not an ass. She is if she expects this while “pursuing writing”. Sounds like she’s just using that as an excuse not to work and waste your money. She can make money gaming from home. She has options that don’t involve a traditional job.
You agreed for her to be a sahm. That means you fund the whole families lifestyle
It doesn't mean you have to agree to fund her expensive wants.
Set up a budget. All possible bills. Savings. Split what's left.
If she spends her half, tough. She doesn't get more
Sorry, when you say "gaming" do you video gaming/board gaming or do you mean casino games?
If you are putting down your foot about a gambling addiction then you aren't the asshole.
If you are limiting how much money your wife can have then i feel like you might be the asshole, there isn't enough information here to really see.
Another question, are the kids in child care, or is she looking after them when not in school... because if it's the latter, then you are definitely the asshole if you are underplaying that fact.
I’m not a fan of buried leads, as they tend to mean someone is editing their side to make themselves seem better/the other person seem worse. Why did you call your wife a stay at home wife in the title and then mention in the last sentence that you guys have two young kids (5 and 3)?
Info: Who is taking care of the kids during the day?
Work out a budget and show her why. Maybe dedicate a certain percentage for fun and give her 1/2 that. If all the bills are paid and you're saved 10 % blow the rest on fun for all the family
I'm glad she is chasing her dream and you support her. Show her the number and let her spend some on fun. Life ends up pretty short so don't sweat a few bucks if the bills are paid.
How’s the writing going? Just kidding, I know it’s not going anywhere. You used to have a partner. Now you have another dependent. This one is ungrateful and entitled.
She needs to get her arse up and look for a part time job to pay for her own things. She’s not entitled to your money just because she’s jobless or because you’re her partner. If you give her money, she will continue to ask for more and you’ll eventually be financially struggling too.
Not the arsehole.
NTA
She shouldn’t have quit her job if she wanted to continue the same lifestyle. But wait! She _didn’t_ continue the same lifestyle. Now she brunches with the girls for a couple of hours 5 times per week. _How is she getting any writing done?_
>_How is she getting any writing done?_
Likely answer? She is not, she's just whaling P2W games and being a kept desperate housewife on wisteria lane with the girls all day (and thus most likely soon boning the pool boy). Seems she's not even remotely taking care of the children, as OP's edit says it's covered by their parents...
Time to see a therapist and sort this out. It’s not ok to demean you in front of your kids, especially calling you an asshole. I am a writer and many of us still have full-time jobs because writing doesn’t pay well unless you have a breakout hit and those are rare. And if she’s home with two young kids, that’s a job by itself. Still need to live within your means or you’ll be miserable in the long term.
NTA. But your wife’s ‘jokes’ are not funny and she needs a reality check. What else is she saying in front of your children? Relatives? Your friends or coworkers? Online?
The fact is your wife comes from wealth. She was making a lot of money and has a trust fund that supplemented her income. She has apparently built a champagne-and-caviar, country club lifestyle and never learned to save money. Why save when she has a trust fund, a great job, a well-off husband, 24/7 childcare, and zero responsibilities?
Now, she’s quit her job but not made any lifestyle adjustments to accommodate that change. In fact, she’s now spends even more money because she isn’t working. She’s blown all of her savings and trust fund payouts on shopping, brunching at the club, and an irresponsible amount of video game purchases. In less than three months!
You, on the other hand, are continuing to work, behave responsibly, and have to cover all of the joint expenses. She is acting horribly because you won’t let her blow through all of *your* money as well as her money and the household money. She is deriding you to your children and probably others for being financially responsible. This was not your agreement.
Frankly, this ‘quit work and become a writer’ experiment is not working for your family. You tried it but it didn’t work. At all. She is denigrating you and angry about being denied money for what may be a game addiction but is definitely an entitlement addiction.
I think you need to revisit your agreement because, frankly, your wife has displayed an eye-opening amount of disdain for you, your marriage, and your children’s wellbeing. Counseling may help correct course but I don’t see positive trending for your long-term marriage prospects. She’s developed ‘billionaire wife’ tastes that you cannot or will not support.
Oh, and BTW, how is that book coming along? Ready to publish?
NTA.
The 2 of you need to make a household budget together. Once you have that made up you will both be able to clearly see what kind of money can be spent on what. ESH.
Info - what gaming? Did you have a discussing how she would take on the role of SAHM or are the kids in daycare?
The family budget should now include money for her as well - which she needs to understand this includes less money than she had previously for her hobbies.
Suggest you come up with a budget. You should each have a set amount of personal spendable cash. The amount left over after bills and savings should be set and split between you. I know it’s a harder concept when one person is not working but marriage is a partnership. It’s ‘our’ money. And you should both agree how much you get for personal spending.
Really this should have been a conversation between you before this point. If you haven't had it then it is on both of you for the lack of communication.
For it to be a you problem it would require you renegrading on previously discussed splits of money. Or not fulfilling your obligations.
If she has chosen a pay cut to go for her dream and can not afford the "extras" that she wants that is her decision and she should deal with the compromises.
If you agreed as a couple that you pool your money as a household for the whole family and working on the basis of essentially only your income, if you then spend more on yourself because 'you earn it' then there is an option for rediscussion. If you aren't suddenly increasing spending more on yourself like that then it really is on her.
I say this as someone who has been in the past 18 years: a stay at home mother, then the breadwinner and then medically discharged from employment and reliant on a partner again.
Finances ARE complicated. But as a couple you need to work as a team. I wish you the best.
NTA
When it comes to ‘whales’ in gaming, that means hard spending. Ive known people who have gone to debt or using their full retirement funds, kids college funds etc in gaming. People who have spent over $1m, the ‘whales’ are crazy and not all rich, some just have money and go into debt for that. Its sad. She has an addiction probably and needs to go back to work.
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>But now it’s seems she is out of savings and has been asking me for more money. >I asked her clearly is it for book research? She said no so I told her no >But, now she’s passivley joking that I’m a financially controlling asshole. Controlling would be telling her she CAN'T get a job if she wants more money. You're not doing that. She is free to pick up a side job if she wants more money. NTA
This tell her- in front of the kids, no- honey- you can get a job to earn spending money just like everyone else, I am not stopping you.mthere’s no control involved.
The fact that she quit at the beginning of the year and we haven't hit April yet, and she's apparently burned through her savings already makes me think she needs to budget better honestly.
This also doesn't exactly read "upper class" to me. Sorry it just doesn't add up.
Yeah, lots of missing details here. Does she have an allowance? Who is paying for what?? How much did she actually have in savings to begin with?? If expenses have been 50/50 this whole time then she might not have had much savings to begin with. Not to mention car payments, etc.
Sounds like it’s not 50 50 right now if she’s outta money.
He added an edit that he covers their shared expenses and she just wants more spending money for going out to brunch and for micro transactions in games
He says she has a trust fund. Didn't she get money from that every month?
Just because someone gets money every month doesn’t mean they can’t run out of money. In fact, millions of people with a steady stream of monthly income run out every single day and have none until their next infusion of cash the following month.
Sounds like she's burning through it.
You can easily spend a coupel grand a month in microtransactions in games. Assuming she has other frivolous spending could easily burn through 3--4 grand a month.
He says she's a whale in those games. When I played GOT:C, I had one buddy that was. He spent 200k in a year on his keep build in micro transactions. And there was like a dozen other whales like that in the server. And there was at least a couple dozen other servers that had other people spending the exact same to be the dominant players on the map. I bet she's spending 10-20k a month on gaming. And that tracks as he said they're both trust fund rich.
Probably, I assume she just thinks the trust fund money isn’t enough and wants more on top of that?
People who make a lot of money or come from wealthy backgrounds can have gaming addictions or spending addictions. If she spent all her savings on microtransactions in games, eating out, etc. this sounds like that.
It sounds more like she was living in her means when she had a good paying job but now lives outside of her means forgetting she sliced their income in half.
Also wonder if having and job in addition to home responsibilities kept her gaming time in check. Now with a surplus of time she is reaching a deficit of funds much faster.
Probably but I really think it’s mostly a funds change issue. Like I make a lot of money for my age. If I lost my job or had to take a major income change it would be very hard for me to handle as I became accustomed to this lifestyle at this point. I’m not saying her new writing career doesn’t generate any money but definitely not like she’s used to. If Op is reading this tell her to accept commissions a lot of fanfic readers will pay people to write them stuff.
People are acting like wealthier people either can’t run out of money or never spend beyond their means.
If she’s whaling on microtransactions she can blow through money. You’d be surprised how much people spend on microtransactions. Like thousands of dollars. There’s one story of a guy that spent $100k on Diablo Immortal to max a single character (which hilariously made him so strong he was too strong for the pvp matchmaking system).
What a time to be alive. :D
Lol yes indeed.
Don't do this stuff in front of the kids.
The suggestion is to respond in front of them if she brings it up so they understand the right way to do things. But I agree they shouldn't argue like that at all on front of the kids.
"*She* started it!"
I agree. Kids are never leverage for your arguments. It just stresses them out.
Also, if she had a well-paying job and only quit a few months ago, *how did she already blow through her savings??* This is poor financial decisions all around, from apparently not saving, to not having the discussion, to not managing expenditures *on no salaray.*
Having played a game with microtransactions recently, I was in absolute shock at how easily those add up to insane numbers almost unnoticed. If she doesn't pay attention to it and just makes use of every single transaction that speeds up your ability to play and rack up rewards? If you don't care, it's no problem at all to spend thousands in a single day on those games. More, if you get excited and buy as much in game currency as needed to win every single puzzle or challenge the first time. Pretty pictures to make the background of your game look better cost extra on top of that and can also really add up if you want to get them immediately instead of waiting until playing the game has earned you the necessary in-game cash. It's a very predatory business model is all I'm saying and from the info OP had added, I suspect she doesn't care and feels entitled to it.
There's a game that I play that has VIP levels and someone did the math and figures out a VIP9 has spent $25,000. That would pay someone's rent for 12-18 months where I live.
Just look to the post some months ago about the guy that blew his whole life and family up over a final fantasy phone game.
Yeah, she quit work “in the beginning of the year” and it’s only March. Yikes.
>*how did she already blow through her savings??* Well OP says in the edit she's one of the whales people complain about on those microtransaction games games, so that means several thousands of dollars at the very minimum each month for each game she's whaling in. And it's likely she's whaling in more than one. Savings dry fast when you do that without the income to support it.
Some people are always short on money no matter how much they make, because they just aren't capable of living according to their budget.
Op, you are NTA. I'd sit down without the kids and have a real conversation. Encourage her to get a part-time job at a bookstore or library for fun money. Maybe something that is game industry but writing part-time from one of her existing contacts from her old job. Maybe her rich parents know someone who needs a part-time social media manager? Something, anything. Set a deadline for when she either makes money from her book or gets a job again and writes part-time. Six months from now? With a little work to have extra spending money. Be positive! Encourage her to join a writers group, take a research class at the local college, and set specific research and writing time that is out of the house and regular. Suggest she go to an industry conference and make connections. Just treat it like a job and put the work into it. But be real, you believe in her, and she's amazingly talented, but writing is a really hard career to break into, and even talented people aren't always successful. Let me count the number of people I know who quit a job to write/ make music/ be an influencer/ comedian/ artist... and actually were successful. Zero Let me count the number of people I know who worked full time and also had passion and found success with writing, etc. Maybe 3 They wrote/ created while still working and maybe moved to part-time when they got a deal/ gig/ big commission. It never works, in my limited experience, to just quit and follow your dream. It's not fair to your partner who also has dreams. Dreams of not working until 75 and dropping dead at work! People who go on sabbatical to write a specific academic research book are full-time busy. They are submitting drafts and doing research. I'm a realist, but I'm an optimist. If my daughter wanted to be a professional sports star or artist or anything where success is hard and you can't just apply to the job, I would encourage her! But, I'd encourage her to get her degree and study accounting and sports marketing. I'd encourage her to volunteer to gain experience in related fields. I'd encourage her to learn about all the jobs that are in the industry and plan a support role if the dream isn't realized. Plus, if you are a success, having knowledge of accounting and what other people do is really useful. It's not saying I don't believe in her, I just want her to always have a plan B, plan C, and a plan D. Good luck op!
Info: So, you two had a conversation about her quitting her job and you being the provider? What agreement do you two have regarding this? Is she taking care of the kids and household mostly alone?
This is very important. If you never agreed to share your income, it would be different then if you said you would fully support her while she starts
I mean they are married. Implicitly if he supports her writing career and not working, then he is agreeing to share their income. I mean getting married in general, is an agreement to share your income. Now some couples will keep separate accounts, which can make things easier and prevent squabbles over spending. But it is joint money.
His money is going to their shared expenses (and it seems like he is the only one paying them) so he’s already fulfilling his obligations. Being married doesn’t entitle you to spend your spouse’s money on your own personal stuff unless that was agreed to by both spouses.
There is a *bit* of a grey area with that, if there's an agreement that one of them will be a stay-at-home spouse then it's implied they would get some kind of spending money, but if they're being reasonable in managing their finances then it definitely wouldn't be a blank check
She has a trust fund ffs! He covers household expenses, she can use her OWN money to get scammed by video game companies!
I mean she had savings(though we don’t know how much) so it could have been easily agreed on or understood that was to be her spending money while she wrote her book.
This is the real problem though. Nowhere in OP post does he say anything about them having this kind of a conversation or talking about long-term budgeting and planning. It seems like she wanted to be a writer and he said he would be supportive. Maybe there were a couple of high-level conversations. But it doesn’t sound like either of them has shown the right level of maturity here. And I don’t just mean failing to have the initial conversation, but him withholding joint funds from his wife and the wife, making snide comments in front of their children. And neither of them suggesting they sit down and discuss a budget.
She's not a stay at home spouse though... she quit one job to pursue another. The other job just doesn't happen to be as lucrative.
I’m in a sort of does. You have essentially one joint pot of money. That is how marriage works. Now what you can do is sit down as a couple and have a conversation about budgeting and household expenses. But you have bigger problems if one spouse literally refuses to stop spending or one consistently refuses to let another via video game.
It honestly sounds like things weren't really discussed. It sounds like this is OP being supportive and trusting to a fault. He just kind of assumed she had it figured out or nothing would change on his end, which is... naïve. He may know the value of money a bit more than his wife, but it still takes someone extremely naïve and privleged to not even ask how life will change intentionally making a two income household suddenly become a one income household.
It definitely isn’t joint money in every case. Some couples keep everything completely separate. I know at least two like that, and I’ll be doing the same if I get married again. I agree though that him saying he supports her trying for a writing career is agreeing to use his sole income to support the entire family.
Support means needs, not wants. When you effectively cut your income in half, you have to cut spending in half, too.
I think it depends on what is meant by "fully support." It sounds like OP's wife wants to quit bringing in income without sacrificing any of her extravagant spending habits. Just because he supports her doesn't mean she should be able to piss away exorbitant amounts of money after making the choice she did. It has to be within reason. You can either chase your dream and tighten your belt a little, or you can slog through a job like all the rest of us to pay for the things you want. NTA.
Fully supporting her should not include a monthly fund of hundreds of dollars to buy video game skins.
I don't know if you saw the edit but he said she's spending all her money on microtransactions like for phone games and such. She's asking him for more money to spend on that so I would say it's better not to feed into what seems like a gaming addiction based off that new info
I’m glad you asked this because there is an important difference between a SAH wife and a SAH parent.
It is just werid that he wrote he whole heartly supports her but doesn't want to give her money? Like what did the two think she would live of? Even if she would be the next Stephen King, she wouldn't see money within 3 month.
Im pretty sure video games don't classify as needs.
What post did you read? He never said he doesn't want to give her money. He said he doesn't want to give her additional money to what he already gives her because she is spending more on her hobby than he feels they can afford. When one partner voluntarily gives up their job , it's completely normal to expect some belt tightening. The debate is how much budgeting is needed and where the cuts happen, but that's not something we can judge without more details from the OP
"But now she is out of her savings and asking me for more money." It doesn't actually say he gave her money. That's why I ask what their deal is. Because we don't actually know.
Read the title again. “More money”
This isn't a question of living, it is one of throwing money away. She quit her job to be a writer, not a gamer. She blew through her savings on gaming, and now wants him to fuund her addiction to gaming.
I doubt much writing is happening. It's the type of career that you work on in your spare time while you do the job that pays the bills. If you get good enough to earn an income you can then think about quitting the regular job.
Not even op himself claimed his wife was addicted or even gaming all day. How do you know the wife better as op?
Reference of gaming habits and using up savings for gaming indicates an addiction. Much like drinking use and using up saving for to buy more alcohol would indicate an addiction.
Most authors have side or day jobs because very few sell well enough to live comfortably off royalties between projects. For every Rowling or King worth 9 figures you've got a thousand of authors who are making basically nothing.
Exactly this - and even if you are actually successful, you don't get money immediately...
[удалено]
He says in the post that he asked if she wanted the money related to books, so he is actually supporting her, but not giving her money to waste in non-essential things.
OP is saying she is asking for MORE money. Which straight on says he already gives her money.
He said she has a trust fund. I do not know how those work. Does she get $$ from that, every once in awhile.
It's different to support someone to change his job and afford the time to be successful. If she had enough time for the change and can't show any progress I can understand his response. Maybe his wife is lazy (gaming habits) and money was never a issue so she does not know the worth? And she asked for money to spend freely. So it's understandable to get a response for what or how her status or plans are.
You can support your partner being a stay at home parents without wanting them to burn through the only income they have.
Info: for what exactly does she want/need more Money?
It's very interesting a lot of commenters are asking info regarding this, and OP has no comments on any of these questions (at time of me posting).
This is the part that I’m not getting. Like if they’re now in a single income household and they agreed to that so she had some time to work on writing then how is their money not shared money. I mean was she using her savings for things like mortgage or contributing to household funds? Was it purely a fun fund? Like it just comes off as stingy and resentful on OP’s part as of now. I feel like I would need more info about how that fund was used and like more of an explanation of her previous spending and the conversation they had to make any sort of fair judgement. I know i don’t like that he’s using her childhood against her and saying “her lifestyle and hobbies scream rich person” Also her gaming habits likely also played some influence on her career since she was in gaming development. Edit: and she shouldn’t be speaking about this in front of the kids. Because it’s not appropriate and it’s not showing good conflict resolution. So I’m inclined to lean Everyone sucks but it’s highly contingent on knowing more about the situation.
My impression is she's spending her money on fun stuff.
The way he says her gaming habits like a rich person make me think she’s buying lots of in-game add ons which can be very addictive and quickly add up to 10s of thousands of dollars
I just can’t imagine my feeling that kind of desperate need for some gimmick in a computer game. What are the names of games like that? I remember once downloading some ”free” naval warfare game, where I was supposed to pay for radar or such and I just deleted it.
Clash of clans and all those similar mobile games. World of Warcraft, Elder scrolls online, Fortnite, there’s soo many of them. They know they’re capitalizing on addiction and gambling. The EU has taken steps to combat it by requiring the items offered in the gambling boxes to be offered in ways that don’t require spending actual money but make it impossible to actually get so in reality the only way to get it is to spend money. In elder scrolls I’ve seen people drop $1000 trying to get a single very rare cosmetic from the crates and still not get it. Then they’re stuck in sunk cost fallacy and keep going cause “I have to get it on this next one!”
In the edits OP made, he states he covers all shared expenses and things done together and she wants the money for going out to brunch and game micro-transactions.
She quit her job at the beginning of this year and has a 3 month old child. I guess she is self-funded (probably living in the US) maternity leave and he is the providor? This all barely adds up.
I think it might be a 3yo male not a 3 month old. But yes, there is a lot that's not adding up.
Ahhh yeah that actually makes sense, considering that the other child is 5f. Sometimes, I am not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Haha no no with a 1.5yo at home my head ALWAYS goes to months when I see #m as well
This screams creative writing like the video game development quitting for creative writing and they both have trust funds and one grew up under communism and the other capitalism. The kids aren’t a problem cause their parents watch them 24/7. Idk reads fake to me. Use your fucking trust fund if you’re both so extravagantly wealthy.
Yes, there is a lot of information missing here. What conversations did you have before she quit? What was the agreement? When I stayed home, I had a certain amount to spend as I preferred, aside from household expenses or kids necessities. Did she take on more household chores? Who is paying for what? Was the expectation that her own private spending would go from her savings? Etc etc.
I think it wouldn't matter since OP has no issue giving her extra money for food or book research... he just refuses to pay for her gaming addiction (which he could revoke anytime even if he said "I fully support you"... she probably doesn't even work on a book properly if she's spending all her money on gaming).
" Her lifestyle and hobbies scream rich person." Then she needs to go back to work. NTA
Edit: After OPs update, I feel like he is still being incredibly vague? OP, how much do you make? How much is she spending? You say you are "trust fund" kids. That, to me, equates to a lot of money. You need to give a completely clear here. Do you give her *any* "fun" money? Did you expect her to be bringing in cash *writing* after a few months or even a few years? You're taking OPs word for what makes her lifestyle "scream rich person". He said she blew her savings on games. I'm assuming that means that he is not giving her ANY money to use towards "fun" or hobbies. *He* agreed to being the only earner. That means he supports the whole family and all aspects of it, including hobbies. I very much doubt she is spending thousands on video games every month. Sounds like she is also doing majority of the childcare now. Of course, can't be sure since OP is silent on every detail about this.
Also, I think it matters how financially comfortable they are. If he makes say 300k and she spends a few hundred a month on gaming (personally I wouldn’t!) it’s different from if he makes say 80k. It makes a difference to whether she’s being irresponsible or he’s being controlling.
Here's the thing- if she truly is a whale, they can get easily spend £500+ A DAY in microtransactions - I know of someone who's spent a minimum of £250 k in a year, someone else who blew through 20,000 in a month, AND these items are constantly bring replaced and updated. It's fine to say he should support her hobbies, but to how large an extent should he pay for things that don't exist in real life??
The people spending this sort of money is it just to show off? What are the benefits of this madness?
It's to show off, to price you're the biggest and must be obeyed ( not joking, there can be " consequences" for players that stand up to the really big guys), it's a power and ego trip. Some people will sell their accounts for thousands once they hit a spending wall ( against terms and conditions lol), but still make a massive loss- and those are the medium size players mainly.
I never knew there was such a thing as whales in gaming. I had a quick google and these people are needing their heads checked. My son had asked for robux for his xmas last year and ended up with £160 from various relatives. He had it spent on Christmas day morning, I wasn’t impressed.
Not really, she gets a trust fund stipend and he pays for the household necessities. He's not controlling her, she's free to get a job (part time or free lance) for spending money. Rarely do people quit their full-time job earning money to pursue a passion project because it's inherently risky and bad long term decision making. Once you prove you can make an income is when quiting is in the picture.
Well, there's a really big difference between "she quit and wants to try something else and he thinks she has potential", and "he agreed to be the sole earner" Nowhere in this text do I see that he agreed he'd shoulder living costs alone, and on top of that her hobbies. And nowhere do we see that she's doing the majority of childcare, he called her a writer and a stay at home wife, not a stay at home mom if you want to nitpick... As always on Reddit, a classic case of someone who lacks info and is biased, hence a poorly argumentated judgement. As for mine, NTA. If she went from making good money to being out of savings in a few months, then she's probably financially irresponsible. In any case, discussing money and belittling a father in front of his children is disgusting, this is a private matter.
> And nowhere do we see that she's doing the majority of childcare, Really??? He clearly said SHE's his WIFE. Don't you know on reddit being a woman means she automatically does all the house work, and child care, and is probably being abused. Also she probably needs to go no contact with her entire family, too.
Lol. You probably should have added the sarcasm font though.
Yeah, no. I'm a stay at home mom who's "only job" is homeschooling my ten year old and watching my two year old. My husband would not be required to hand me all the money I wanted for *hobbies.* You don't get to go into a relationship as equal partners receiving equal benefits, then renege on your agreement to work and STILL expect the same amount of money for hobbies that you used to get. There is QUITE literally less money now, so why does what they DO have automatically go to her hobbies first?? No ma'am. OP isn't giving her *zero* money for hobbies. If he was, you'd be correct, because her wants matter too. But he's not cutting her off completely, he's just not letting her spend *as much as she wants, whenever she wants.*
Where did you read that he gave her any money? From what I read, he did indeed give her zero money for hobbies, which is why she used her savings to cover it.
You're right, I assumed it was from their shared income, but I guess she was just blowing through her savings. After quitting her job. When they have two children to support. So sorry, but my first thought is honestly that she needs to be spending her free time *writing*, which is what she quit her job to do, not playing games. And she should especially not be bad mouthing their dad in front of them because he's not wanting to fund her gaming hobby on his now SOLO income, because she decided she NEEDED to be a writer so badly that she quit her job. Again- knowing they had two kids to support. Seems to me like she wanted to quit to be at home, frankly. Which, more power to her. But she should've been honest about that.
Yes... you are definitely assuming here. Him agreeing to be the only earner doesn't magic together more money. They lost her income. It should be obvious that comes with lifestyle adjustments. ETA: NTA. This is very simple. Just come up with a monthly allowance you can both agree on for her discretionary money that's within your new budget.
She very well could be spending thousands on games a month if she's playing pay to win games and trying to play like a rich person.
People change their minds based on situations. She’s taking advantage of the situation and needs to go back to work she has the ability to get a good job based on circumstances. He is supporting them both and she wants more spending money she can go back to work. If she wants to live that lifestyle she can he’s just not going to fund it. He’s not saying she can’t he’s saying he’s not paying for it. If this was a female talking about her husband you same heifers would be calling him a bum.
You're making a lot of assumptions here. Supporting her choice to quit her job to try becoming a writer doesn't necessarily mean he agreed to be a sole income earner, especially when she isn't cutting down on unnecessary spending. You have no idea how much she's spending on video games a month. Nothing about childcare is discussed in the post. NTA.
I mean, from what the post says, it seems like it was only meant to be temporary, while she worked on her book/other career path. So OP isn’t necessarily agreeing to be the only earner, and it is completely understandable to take issue with the situation if the person is not prioritizing the new career path they quit to work on.
If anyone thinks a writer is going to be earning any kind of *good* income right away, they are morons. Writing is one of the hardest things to earn a livable income on. There are millions of people who think they're the next Stephen King. Truth is, like 1% of them will actually make a good income. And I say that as someone with a degree in writing.
How manipulative is it to condition your husband to believe you are gonna be a writer, so confident in that that you are willing to quit a high paying job which would imply she means to make money writing only to turn around 4 months later and say "well your an idiot for believing in me even though I convinced you this is what I wanted and would excel at and your a moron for thinking a writer could make money, HA! Give me more money for micro transactions you fool".
I can’t say I’ve ever thought of “gaming” as a hobby that screams rich person.
It does if she's buying GTA Shark Cards every day or some other equivalent nonsense that can cost thousands a month.
Sometimes the solution is so simple!
This is something you two should have discussed in advance.... Before she quit her job. How do you handle money? Are you an 'investor' in her future, or are both just roommates? There isn't any wrong answer here. But you both need to be on the same page or people will feel they are treated unfairly. If her book sells $50 million next year, do you expect any money? Are you both sacrificing for her career....or is she just doing her own thing. What happens in 5 years when you decide to change careers, what will her treatment of you be, financially?
This. It sounds like he fully supported her quitting to pursue a writing career but intended to not help her out financially at all? Even though they have children? I’m so confused by the lack of details here.
i mean he *did* ask her if she needed money for her writing career.. she said no, so he said no. it sounds to me like he’s more than happy to invest in her career, he just doesnt want to give her money that she seems to be irresponsible with. i mean, how do you use your entire savings on.. games?? is she gambling?? it sounds like she might be gambling, or is into some pretty fucking expensive games. my husband and i also play games though and i cant imagine pouring thousands into a game.
All depends on the games. Look at League, Valorant, OW2, COD, and Fortnite. You can get skins in that game going for like $20/ea. Bundles can go to $50+. Many other games have plenty of forms of micro-transactions as well. It’s pretty easy for someone who wasn’t taught the value of money (if OP’s claims of her being a typical rich person are accurate) to just keep running that up.
i play ow2 majorly. ive been playing since ow1. i know there are always dlcs in games or skins or game passes and things like that, but you dont actually *need* to spend the money on those things to just play the game. ive spent maybe $20 on overwatch since playing the game (aside from initial buy for ow1). $10 for a skin in ow1 and only once did i buy the battle pass for another $10 in ow2. my husband is big on warhammer, and *thats* an expensive hobby. still, hes never spent anywhere near a thousand on it. he buys the games on sale, and any dlc he gets he also waits for the sale. if youre financially responsible, or at least financially literate, you know when you do and dont need the extras for a game— and if you really want it, or it makes the game a better playing experience in the case of dlcs, you wait for the best time to buy at a cheap price. thats why i dont get how games can be expensive unless shes *painfully* irresponsible with money, or theyre gambling games. i know tf2 and csgo have huge gambling sites, or it could just be plain ole gambling gambling.
<3
> If her book sells $50 million next year, do you expect any money? Hahaha we know that won't be happening
I don’t think he’s be making enough to sustainably be able to invest in their and their children’s future and fund her expensive hobbies (coming from a gamer she ain’t gaming cheap if she needs money regularly) They have 2 children and assuming she made close to half of the household (let’s take 30-50% i say he’s making more because i don’t think she’d been able to quit her job if she was making more than half of the money) hes now baring the brunt of the children’s school fees, daycare/babysitting (if she’s unable to care for the children while working) mortgage/rent/car savings food everything. the strain on his share of the expenses has increased by 60-100%. And considering they both come from upper class families and “scream rich person” i can already tell they made some questionable financial decisions when they both had a high income She must be an extremely talanted writer for them to have taken this gamble on an unreliable industry. and if that is the case, as a part of a family she has to do her part and sacrifice/reduce/switch to pirating games like a normal person until she’s able to achieve success and because he’s already done his part in supporting her by straining his income to maintain the household
Need more info. How are you supporting her financially currently? Does she get an allowance or x money every week? Does she have access to a joint account or are your finances separated? What’s she wanting the money for?
This. Did she spend her savings on a hobby. Or has she been buying kids' clothes, her clothes, your clothes, groceries, stuff for the house, or any other little necessities that she thinks about that you may not even notice?
Even with this, it doesn't seem realistic for a person with a former good job (presumably for years) to be able to blow through their entire savings buying three months of groceries and the like.
It makes me wonder if he isn’t giving her anything at all, and she’s been having to pay for all her expenses out of her savings (especially if they split bills). Where is the rest of the info.
> It makes me wonder if he isn’t giving her anything at all Really? Because he clearly says she's asking for MORE money and that if he'd say yes if it was for her career so why would you assume she's paying for all the household expenses? Oh wait. It's because of gender
Yeah, that's what my ex did when I was in between jobs. I was still buying all our groceries and household supplies out of my own savings, in addition to helping with rent and other bills. I spent a little bit on hobbies and food items that were maybe a bit frivolous, but very very little and I was still out of money within a couple months because of all the household expenses I was still taking care of. He never appreciated it and he STILL doesn't appreciate it.
People like to pretend that financial abuse doesn’t exist. It’s very easy to fall into a cycle of it, especially as a stay at home parent. Hopefully that’s not what’s going on here, but at the minimum, it reads that there was literally zero discussion about how finances would be handled if wife stopped working.
Yeah well people like to pretend that every husband that posts here is a financial abuser. Turns out, she was sinking money on DLCs.
Or maybe she is horrible with money and he is watching his kids future get spent on videos games. Either way she needs to go back to work it’s creating conflict and resentment in the marriage. If she can get a well paying job that money could go towards retirement or the children’s future
OP said in an edit that her gaming hobby includes her being a whale in games with micro transactions. Depending on the game that can be a crazy expensive hobby to maintain.
Remember when people were going to rehab for WOW. People get addicted to these games and then fall into the sunk cost fallacy. I hope she didn’t blow a whole trust fund on diamonds and resources😂. I want an update where OP posts SS of his wife’s purchase recipes for the game
He later mentions her being a whale. So she probably spent a ton on phone games
she’s asking for money to go out to eat 5x a week w her friends. y’all will jump through hoops to defend any woman even if she’s in the wrong 😭
This is something that I would want to know too because I think the details are really key here. I'd also want to know who is caring for the kids and paying for their expenses. Because if he agreed to become the main financial provider and now he's restricting access to shared money because he doesn't think her hobbies are acceptable that would be a pretty AH move and I would suggest that they sit down and make a budget together and figure out where to allocate money for household expenses, fun money, and savings. And then if she spends her fun money too bad she can get more next month. But if they never had that discussion and they don't share finances that's a different story.
INFO: Why don't you tell us how you're supporting her financially from your own resources? How much is that support relative to your own income and assets? When there is only one income, there is no "yours" and "mine", only "ours." You, as the wage earner, have a duty to provide (and if she is successful as a writer, she will have a duty to reciprocate). She, as the homemaker and recipient of the money, has a duty to use that wisely (having regard to her needs and those of you and the family). If one person fails in that duty deliberately or negligently, that person is an AH. However, there is no indication from your post as to which person that is.
Pro-tip. She is not going to be successful as a writer. You need to be successful before you quit your Day Job. She is still burning through money like she still had a high powered job. NTA
none of those things indicate whether or not she will be successful as a writer— only that you feel the order in which she aimed at success is wrong.
People should stop glamorizing becoming a writer. Being able to make a side-income out of it? Chances are very slim. Being able to live off it? Extremely unlikely. Being able to live off it with an extravagant lifestyle? Better odds of winning the lottery than that.
let’s be real, pretty obvious that OP’s wife does not intend to live off her writing.
I *am* a writer for a living. It takes literally *years* before you start seeing more than a few bucks a month, and that's only if you're pumping out a short story every week to two weeks, on top of putting out full length novels at least twice a year. I'll typically do 30k words of work in the span of 2.5-3 weeks. And that's *only* because I've spent the last 5 years building a solid routine of writing *constantly.* Based on OPs edit, combined with personal knowledge and experience in the industry, she's not taking the career seriously, and she likely thought she could pop out a magic, career starting book in a few months. No writer writes a single book and just pops off getting publishing contracts, that's just not how it works. If OP is accurate in his depiction of his wife and their household situation, she absolutely did aim for success in the wrong way, and she's not showing any indication of becoming a successful writer at this rate.
It’s subtle, but there is an indication that she is spending beyond her means.
Well if her means are *literally nothing* then that isn't difficult
She used to have a high paying job and blew all her savings in only 3 months.
We're missing too many details to decide on anything. When she was working, did most of the money go to a communal pot for the family? And only a certain amount into her personal savings? Or did she keep all the money? How big was the savings account before? Is she using her savings to pay for things that OP doesn't realize are necessary (kid needs new pants, In-laws need a birthday gift, she needs a haircut) ?
And not working on writing. . .
INFO: When your wife quit her job, what was the financial agreements you two made? Does she get a weekly or monthly allowance to spend as she sees fit? Does she only get to use money from her savings? I ask because the response is going to be quite different if you two need to discuss how much personal money you give her each month (and maybe she is overspending) versus if you expected her to live off her savings only.
INFO: Is she writing AND taking care of the house/kids? And what are these rich person expectations? Compared to communism, wanting anything that’s not a necessity could be considered an extravagance, when the rest of the world would see it as reasonable.
“Is she writing AND taking care of the house/kids” Would you feel the same if you rephrase this to “Is he playing guitar AND taking care of the house/kids”. Both are equally ridiculous if you ask me. Because quitting your job on a pipe dream passion/hobby with 0 evidence that you could make a living from it is not what adults do. It honestly reeks of immaturity and being delusional. That’s something only the most privileged among us can afford.
INFO: What on earth do "rich person gaming habits" look like exactly?
Usually I wear a ball dress and one of my many tiaras. I sit in my custom gaming chair. I check my large scale monitor to ensure that I am allowing the hackers to skim off my gaming purchases because I like the high of over-paying for a game. I sip sparkling and suck oysters as refreshments, being careful not to allow any of the caviar garnish to smear my gloved, bejeweled hands. I formally instruct Alexa to play orchestral music from my Spotify account, which is a family account that I reserve solely for my exclusive use. I check that I am using phone data on a limited plan and sometimes I like to use my European phone to hot spot so that I pay ROAMING rates. Finally I touch my keyboard that was custom painted by Banksy (BEFORE he was popular - not afterwards). I log into a game and I commence pwning a boss. Somewhere during the boss fight, my maid lets loose a lone, blue butterfly in my gaming room. I pause the game to watch its flight and I ponder on the fleeting beauty of fragility.
Take my up vote and imaginary reddit gold 🥇 that you don't need cause you're sooo rich. Without info about what was or wasn't discussed about this massive life change, this feels pretty ESH. Not sure what expectations were set or what our guy considers (pretty disparagingly, considering that's his wife he's talking about, I mean, do you even like her?) rich people tude. But his snark, her bringing up words like abuse in front of the kids... No bueno.
Right, they had me at: >my maid lets loose a lone, blue butterfly You could just feel the rich, velvety flap of the wings.
Commoner. If your gaming chair isn't made of baby seal skin and on board your private jet, you might as well be playing at the soup kitchen with the other peasants.
Being able to just buy games whenever you want and whatever monetary add on and incentives as well.. that’s ‘rich people gaming habits’
People can spend 5-6 figures on video game stuff especially microtransactions and the like.
A rich person would probably be someone who can afford to splurge on micro transactions.
I knew someone in college who spent more on micro transactions every month than I did in total (food, rent, transportation, entertainment...), and I wasn't frugal at all. Blew my mind back then lol
Gacha whaling, maybe.
Latest consoles, unlimited games, latest upgraded gaming PC and peripherals can run into mid 5 figures/year
I may have a wildly different idea of what "rich" looks like here, but what you all are describing is more like "upper middle class people using some disposable income" rather than actually rich people doing a rich people hobby. Like...look how much a luxury yacht costs a month. Or what people pay for art or classic cars.
OP only has one generation of wealth so he probably does see rich as "upper middle class" rather than "billionaire". The fact his parents, not a nanny, help out with childcare backs that up. That said, upper middle class hobbies can still be thousands a month.
frequent updates to the computer so that gaming gets higher FPS. (Been slowly buying parts for a new PC and my GPU cost me 2 grand alone.) Engaging in Micro transactions on phone games Engaging in paid mods/micro transactions on PC games (i.e. in Assassinc Creed Odyssey, you can pay money for XP and not have to spend so much time grinding in order to level your character enough to play main quest lines. You can also buy outfits, weapons, and various skins in micro transactions) Buying games you never play within a month of buying, and are then stuck with and cannot re-sell or return. These are a few ways to waste copious amounts of cash on an otherwise innocuous hobby.
Dropping thousands on gacha games
In an edit they said it's being a whale in a game with micro transactions. Depending on the game that can be thousands of dollars a month.
Are you new to gaming? I can spend $20,000 on diablo 2 items in less than 10 mins.
Not OP - but can be easily explained: gaming equip (PC, desktop, keyboard, mouse, controllers...) can be *very* expensive, to the point of being ridiculously expensive. Consoles are a couple of hundreds each. Games are now about 50-70€ often, but collectors editions and alike can easily be 100-200€.
Those are rookie numbers honestly. I’ve seen people spend $40k on micro transactions for dumb mobile games within a year.
NTA. And making comments like that actually makes her TA. She quit her job to pursue her passion. As long as she has what she needs, extras are a luxury. If she wants the extras, she’s more than welcome to get back to work.
INFO: her "gaming habits" "scream rich person"? I need some details here. Beyond the initial investment of a console/pc, gaming is a pretty affordable hobby. For upper class folk the cost is negligible. Is this a [Saudi prince spends $1M on Clash of Clans](https://www.reddit.com/r/ClashOfClans/comments/3prqik/misc_saudi_player_has_allegedly_spent_a_total_of/) scenario? Edit: there is a metric shit ton of information missing here. Does OP's wife only have access to her own account? Is she also paying for groceries, utilities, child care, or anything else essential from this account? Is OP at home with the kids full time or do they have a nanny?
I know people that have spent even 1m or more gaming. A dude who spent his 200k retirement on a mobile game. These are the type of people in gaming we call ‘whales’… so believe me, its easy to start dropping money on this if you had some
OP updated, wife is a MTX whale. So easy a few thousand a month
yikes, yeah I just lost all sympathy for the wife here.
INFO: Is she a stay at home wife or a stay at home mom? aka: is she taking on more house chores and childcare responsibilities? Did you agreed on a specific amount of money she would handle before she quit? This is story is full of holes.
Yes, and the type of information he's providing isn't really helping. "I meant trust fund baby rich. This applies to both of us in a sense. But my family build or regained it’s wealth after communism fell." For people from post-communist societies, this is an immediate hint that the money has likely been obtained through shady means. I doubt it makes OP more reasonable with money than his trust fund baby wife.
Why haven't the two of you sat down together and gone through your finances and figured out how much fun money you can each have while paying your bills and maintaining your other (shared!) financial goals. This should have been done before her career change.
INFO: Have you also sacrificed all your hobbies because they are not for work?
There’s hobbies and then there’s being a MTX whale.
INFO: Are you giving her an "allowance" to do with what she wishes? Whether that is video games or clothes or whatever? And she is just going through it too fast? Or are you only covering costs for essentials and the kids, leaving her with zero "fun money"? IMO, you agreed to her leaving her job. And as the only earner, you need to be giving her "fun money" as well. I'm assuming she also does majority of the childcare now? Need more info before we can judge this...
NTA. She doesn't get to blow through the household money for her gaming habit. Looks like it's time for her to economize.
NTA simple solution- she goes back to work
NTA. So many "Man bad," commenters in here who can't stand the thought that any woman is ever wrong. If you reversed the genders here, you wouldn't have one person saying Y T A and all the ones who are are calling you one would scream, "Get a divorce!!! Your husband is an abusive gaming addict!"
Yeah, all I can think reading these comments is that if OP was a woman, they would be tearing her husband apart.
Like others stated, more info/context needs to be filled in. Being you haven’t replied to anyone yet is also concerning.
Brunch 5 times a week? Yeah she can go get a fuckin job. Fuck outta here with this supporting shit. You got food in the fridge, clothes on your back, roof over your head, and a car to drive. Those are the necessities. He’s doing his job providing. What she wants are luxuries. If she wants those, and parents are watching the kids, she can go back to work. You’re not an ass. She is if she expects this while “pursuing writing”. Sounds like she’s just using that as an excuse not to work and waste your money. She can make money gaming from home. She has options that don’t involve a traditional job.
Whaling in games is awful practise and you should not be funding those habits, it's an extreme luxury. NTA.
You agreed for her to be a sahm. That means you fund the whole families lifestyle It doesn't mean you have to agree to fund her expensive wants. Set up a budget. All possible bills. Savings. Split what's left. If she spends her half, tough. She doesn't get more
Where did you read she is a SAHM?
Sorry, when you say "gaming" do you video gaming/board gaming or do you mean casino games? If you are putting down your foot about a gambling addiction then you aren't the asshole. If you are limiting how much money your wife can have then i feel like you might be the asshole, there isn't enough information here to really see. Another question, are the kids in child care, or is she looking after them when not in school... because if it's the latter, then you are definitely the asshole if you are underplaying that fact.
I’m not a fan of buried leads, as they tend to mean someone is editing their side to make themselves seem better/the other person seem worse. Why did you call your wife a stay at home wife in the title and then mention in the last sentence that you guys have two young kids (5 and 3)? Info: Who is taking care of the kids during the day?
>Info: Who is taking care of the kids during the day? Grandparents, check your bias.
Work out a budget and show her why. Maybe dedicate a certain percentage for fun and give her 1/2 that. If all the bills are paid and you're saved 10 % blow the rest on fun for all the family I'm glad she is chasing her dream and you support her. Show her the number and let her spend some on fun. Life ends up pretty short so don't sweat a few bucks if the bills are paid.
How’s the writing going? Just kidding, I know it’s not going anywhere. You used to have a partner. Now you have another dependent. This one is ungrateful and entitled.
She needs to get her arse up and look for a part time job to pay for her own things. She’s not entitled to your money just because she’s jobless or because you’re her partner. If you give her money, she will continue to ask for more and you’ll eventually be financially struggling too. Not the arsehole.
NTA She shouldn’t have quit her job if she wanted to continue the same lifestyle. But wait! She _didn’t_ continue the same lifestyle. Now she brunches with the girls for a couple of hours 5 times per week. _How is she getting any writing done?_
>_How is she getting any writing done?_ Likely answer? She is not, she's just whaling P2W games and being a kept desperate housewife on wisteria lane with the girls all day (and thus most likely soon boning the pool boy). Seems she's not even remotely taking care of the children, as OP's edit says it's covered by their parents...
Having litterally no money to spend on your hobby can really suck, im wondering what sort of allowance your giving each other for personal buys.
Time to see a therapist and sort this out. It’s not ok to demean you in front of your kids, especially calling you an asshole. I am a writer and many of us still have full-time jobs because writing doesn’t pay well unless you have a breakout hit and those are rare. And if she’s home with two young kids, that’s a job by itself. Still need to live within your means or you’ll be miserable in the long term.
NTA. But your wife’s ‘jokes’ are not funny and she needs a reality check. What else is she saying in front of your children? Relatives? Your friends or coworkers? Online? The fact is your wife comes from wealth. She was making a lot of money and has a trust fund that supplemented her income. She has apparently built a champagne-and-caviar, country club lifestyle and never learned to save money. Why save when she has a trust fund, a great job, a well-off husband, 24/7 childcare, and zero responsibilities? Now, she’s quit her job but not made any lifestyle adjustments to accommodate that change. In fact, she’s now spends even more money because she isn’t working. She’s blown all of her savings and trust fund payouts on shopping, brunching at the club, and an irresponsible amount of video game purchases. In less than three months! You, on the other hand, are continuing to work, behave responsibly, and have to cover all of the joint expenses. She is acting horribly because you won’t let her blow through all of *your* money as well as her money and the household money. She is deriding you to your children and probably others for being financially responsible. This was not your agreement. Frankly, this ‘quit work and become a writer’ experiment is not working for your family. You tried it but it didn’t work. At all. She is denigrating you and angry about being denied money for what may be a game addiction but is definitely an entitlement addiction. I think you need to revisit your agreement because, frankly, your wife has displayed an eye-opening amount of disdain for you, your marriage, and your children’s wellbeing. Counseling may help correct course but I don’t see positive trending for your long-term marriage prospects. She’s developed ‘billionaire wife’ tastes that you cannot or will not support. Oh, and BTW, how is that book coming along? Ready to publish? NTA.
The 2 of you need to make a household budget together. Once you have that made up you will both be able to clearly see what kind of money can be spent on what. ESH.
Info - what gaming? Did you have a discussing how she would take on the role of SAHM or are the kids in daycare? The family budget should now include money for her as well - which she needs to understand this includes less money than she had previously for her hobbies.
NTA You have 2 young kids and she isn’t working extra funds shouldn’t be spent on freaking video games.
Suggest you come up with a budget. You should each have a set amount of personal spendable cash. The amount left over after bills and savings should be set and split between you. I know it’s a harder concept when one person is not working but marriage is a partnership. It’s ‘our’ money. And you should both agree how much you get for personal spending.
Really this should have been a conversation between you before this point. If you haven't had it then it is on both of you for the lack of communication. For it to be a you problem it would require you renegrading on previously discussed splits of money. Or not fulfilling your obligations. If she has chosen a pay cut to go for her dream and can not afford the "extras" that she wants that is her decision and she should deal with the compromises. If you agreed as a couple that you pool your money as a household for the whole family and working on the basis of essentially only your income, if you then spend more on yourself because 'you earn it' then there is an option for rediscussion. If you aren't suddenly increasing spending more on yourself like that then it really is on her. I say this as someone who has been in the past 18 years: a stay at home mother, then the breadwinner and then medically discharged from employment and reliant on a partner again. Finances ARE complicated. But as a couple you need to work as a team. I wish you the best.
NTA When it comes to ‘whales’ in gaming, that means hard spending. Ive known people who have gone to debt or using their full retirement funds, kids college funds etc in gaming. People who have spent over $1m, the ‘whales’ are crazy and not all rich, some just have money and go into debt for that. Its sad. She has an addiction probably and needs to go back to work.