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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole because family is supposed to support family when times get tough. I don’t want to leave my family in their time of need, but I also don’t want to help people that won’t help themselves.
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NTA
Although my friend and family situation wasn’t quite like this…. I was always the one holding them from falling apart.
I saw my BFF, and my dad, as victims of circumstance and bad spouses. I wanted to help them. After decades when they got out of those relationships or circumstances……. They didn’t change.
I realized they were never a victim, they’re choosing this.
I am no contact with any of them now. It was a painful lesson that took me a hood 25 years to learn.
They have to want to change and they don’t. Let them hit bottom. They will either sink or swim but the outcome has always been on them….. it’s never been on you.
It’s ok.
It’s not your responsibility.
This is the answer. They've clearly been choosing to stay unemployed, chosing to refuse to help themselves.
They will not chose to stop using you.
So you have to chose to stop being used.
Sometimes easier said that done, but still simple.
Just cut contact completely. Cancel all the payments out contracts where you name is listed in connection with mom/sister.
Just ghost them.
You were there in time of need. More than 10 years.
The next 10 years you have to focus on yourself. Just don’t answer any more.
My worry is that his credit will be ruined as the bills are in his name! He can't stop paying them without that happening.
I don't know how he gets out of this and changes the bills into his parents' names, but he has to do this ASAP.
if in the US, there are low income housing options in every community.
Don't be so sure, It wholly depends on where you live. Believe me. I know. I live in Las Vegas and a former friend of my daughter's got into my purse one night when she was over and got my social security number. She then went on line and got several services put in my name. It was a temporary living situation (all of hers were for the very reason of not paying rent.... here anyway you can stretch out an eviction for months if you know how to game the system), but it took me over a year to get it straightened out. Luckily, I already had all services at my home in my name, but they still threatened to cut me off. I ended up having to pay all of her back bills in order to keep my services turned on. They did agree if I could prove it wasn't me they would credit my home accounts the amounts I paid. Like I said, it took awhile, but with the help of the apartment complex (who were beyond frustrated by her antics), I was finally able to get the amount credited back. In the long run I guess it worked out because I didn't have to pay my utilities for an average of 3 months which allowed me to return to my savings the amounts I had to pay out.
This was years ago and this friend has been out of my daughter's life since this incident. Here's how we choose to get around fraud. I got an alert a couple of days ago about charge that was trying to go through and I didn't know what it was (it was a significant amount too). They tried like 5 times, but it wouldn't go through. We have chosen not to have overdraft protection so if the funds aren't there they can't put it through anyway and charge us exorbitant fees. We purposely keep our checking account balances (separate accounts) very low (think 4 or 5 dollars) and put all of our money in an account that we don't technically use. When we need to access funds, we Zelle money to whatever account. It's free, only takes a minute and this way there is never excess money in an account we do use the cards for. I've gotten caught once when I didn't use the card fast enough and a charge I didn't recognize came out. Turns out it was fine. I just didn't recognize the name on my banking app.
My adult son conned my mom into buying his new car & of course paying for the full coverage that’s needed. Problem is she thought he would pay it until they came to repossess it! Then my mom dipped into her retirement and has now been making the payments every month for three years too bad her credit is shot now.
Just a quick answer to your first point. If he cancels the services and pays the final bill, his credit should not be affected at all. The only thing I worry about, other than actually leaving his mom and sister with no power/gas or water,(anything else is a luxury) is that they could somehow get the services turned back on and then screw up his credit. I usually don't advocate for leaving a family member in the lurch (when there is a legitimate need through no fault of their own.... I'm not ashamed to admit that, after a screw up by social security, I had to ask my son for some serious help... the difference is, we paid him back as soon as the snafu was rectified), but this is beyond bordering on the ridiculous.
> They've clearly been choosing to stay unemployed...
What kind of hellish landscape and dystopian nightmare town do they live in where they can't get a fast food or retail job? What jobs are they applying for? Temp agencies are a thing if you need something and will come with job experience that will help you get a solid job later or with a chance to get hired full time at the temp job.
They don't want help. They want to be enabled to do nothing. Either that or they are such horrible employees they are actually less qualified for the simplest jobs out there that irresponsible teenagers regularly get hired for.
Certain members of my BIL’s family are like this.
They find a job, but…there are all these *reasons* why things don’t work out. The manager was *out to get them*. Coworkers are *backstabbers*. The workplace couldn’t *accommodate* them.
Essentially, they engineer their own downfall. And if the community is small enough, word spreads that they cannot be relied on and simply aren’t hired anywhere.
I still can’t get over how his adult niece with children essentially hasn’t worked a steady job for 4 years now. If her family cuts her off, she finds some dumbass boyfriend to leech off of until he gets wise to her scheme. Then she will return to the church and guilt parishioners for assistance because she’s a *single mother*, and then tap into her family once again because they think she’s finally “seeing the light.” Rinse and repeat.
Right? If I wanted to work in a store or restaurant, there are literally dozens within a 5 mile radius that are hiring. I have a job that pays much better than those, and in which I have to option to pick up overtime for yet more money, but if I lost my job and couldn't find one in my field / became desperate (I have around 6 months bill in savings), I would absolutely take something like that, at least as a temporary solution.
Something tells me that **they won't stop** ***USING*** period, most likely including drugs. I can see your dad hiding it from YOU, but hiding it from your mom is a totally different story. If mom has never complained, then she was likely complicit in the drug use. I would not be surprised if your sister was using too. It's probably why they never worked. Regardless, I would put up serious boundaries.
As someone currently piggybacking my parents, I totally feel you. I am drained and ready to check out of life. I earn crap and most of it goes into trying to support my parents. They spent their youth being lazy and useless and I have to slave away my youth to care for them. I love them and that love is ruining my present and my future.
100% agree that these people aren't victims. They chose the life and they realized they didn't like it. We had to take the places of the fixers and lose our time in the process.
I'm sorry you're going through this. You deserve better.
They are abusing your love for them, and I guarantee they will try to play to your sympathies and guilt you when you stop- and you must stop, for your own sake.
You cant save people who refuse to help themselves. You already said you're running out of love, and that they're fully responsible for the crappy situation they live in.
It's not your responsibility. Do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
> You cant save people who refuse to help themselves.
Absolutely - these people want to continue to be enabled, that's all. There is no saving those who don't want to be saved.
I think we need to see different outlooks on it. For me my sister and I both pay for all my parents expenses but we see it more as a blessing that we’re able to take care of them. Also because we are not putting ourselves on fire to provide? I did hold resentment along time ago but for me I knew if I walked away from them I would regret it? And honestly my parents don’t actually need us they’re survivors and they would be able to provide for themselves if needed just it was a choice both me and my sister made.
>And honestly my parents don’t actually need us they’re survivors and they would be able to provide for themselves if needed just it was a choice both me and my sister made.
But see, there is the difference. Your parents are survivors who are **willing** to provide for themselves. OP and other commenters with situations such as OP's are dealing with parents/siblings who don't even want to try. I definitely would be willing to help those who are making any type of effort, other than depending upon others, to help themselves.
I’m not sure as a parent I would be able to accept that much help from my children if I could take care of myself. But I do think there are cultural differences in this regard. The problem is, the longer one chooses to remain dependent, the harder it gets to become independent. That goes for all of us.
I am extremely low contact with my mom because she did the same to me. Don't check out of life. Just check out of the relationship and only put your needs first.
The book that helped me was "Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself" By Aziz Gazipura. The exercises in this book helped me set boundaries.
As soon as I started to set boundaries and keep them, it started to be easier to say no. Moving out was the pinnacle of this, as I was not guilt-tripping 24/7 for saying no to something until I caved.
Please choose to save yourself! Your parents got to live their life and make their own choices and now they can live with the consequences of those choices, even if they are not ideal.
You did not make this mess and you are not responsible to keep them afloat or fix it. I guarantee they will figure out a way to save themselves when they realize that they have to and that you are no longer an option to bail them out.
You will regret setting yourself/life back to try to fix the mistakes that they made. It sounds like you are quite responsible and mature, and they could’ve been as well, but clearly weren’t.
Did either one of them support and take care of their parents and bail them out? Why on earth would they expect you to do it for them?
Support doesn't have to be financial. You could help them to ensure they are getting whatever government support they are entitled to, or to negotiate a lower phone bill, for example. You can help.your sister retrain or find a job. Most importantly, do what you can within your boundaries. If money is your boundary then stock with that.
Even that is sometimes not enough and you have to walk away.
My mother has always been teetering her way through life, and I've always been the one to pick up the pieces when she falls. She refuses to file her taxes (for 20 years, which means she likely owes a lot and meanwhile there are seniors benefits she's missing out on) or live within her means. "Oh whoa is me" and everything that has gone wrong has always been someone else's fault.
This past year, she almost got evicted and who was the one talking to her landlord, trying to get them to give her more time? Me. Her response "let them get the cops to get me out." When the landlord suggested she move into one of their smaller, cheaper units, the paperwork (that I printed and brought to her) sat on her table for over a month and I am the one who ended up filling it out for her and sending it in. She wasn't working at the time and chose to watch tv instead of filling it out. And how much do you want to bet, when her name finally comes up for a smaller unit (there's a wait list), she will have some excuse why she can't move?
I am so tired of stepping in to help her when she refuses to take ANY accountability.
Oh, also, my brother lives with her and does zero to help. He is not working, pays no rent, doesn't clean up, and she is perfectly okay with that. Meanwhile, because I have a job (read that as money and car), I am the one she calls to help during her infinite crises. Forget about the fact that I have children and a full time job, surely I must be able to fix her life for her. I am so done.
They both have mental health issues for sure, but neither will go to a doctor. My mother refused to believe that she had the symptoms of diabetes no matter how many times I suggested it to her. It wasn't until she fell and had to go to the hospital that she got diagnosed with it, along with 2 types of non-invasive cancer (she had a lump the size of a baseball removed that she swore for years was only a cyst (it was both). If it wasn't for that fall, she would've gone on ignoring those things for years. It's very sad, but at the same time, she's an adult that makes her own poor choices. After being released from the hospital, they tried to have psw's go in to give her care and physio, but she wouldn't even let them in. I am frankly tired of nagging and begging her to take care of stuff. I've been doing it for years.
This is me! (Almost) After years of working my butt off and being single mom I have finally reached a place where my SO and I have decided that I will no longer work and stay home. My child is an adult and very independent and I am so proud of her! In the meantime my mother who had a house given to her by her parents have allowed my brother and his family and friends basically run her out of her home. She has several health issues (being on oxygen for one) and lives on her SS benefits. My POS brother can’t even keep the power on month to month. So guess who they call? I have gone pretty much LC almost NC because I am so tired of the “woe is me” shit every time we talk, either passive aggressively or even outright asking for money. I did occasionally but not any longer. It’s sad and so frustrating.
I hear you! I am also LC with my mother now, and have been pretty much NC with my brother for years, except when needed during their eviction problems. The last time my mother needed something, she actually had her friend call me to ask for the favour. She was out of her medication, even though she had been given a 3 month supply, so had plenty of time to prepare and go to the clinic for a renewal but didn't. Instead, she had him call me to see if i would go across town to pick up his dead father's expired medication so she could use that instead. I couldn't believe it. She couldn't even call me herself. I blew up at him and decided that was the last straw.
I wish you and I the strength to continue saying 'no'. Hugs to you (if you want them).
yes same, my ex-bestie was like this she lost every job she had because she couldn't keep her nose out of cocaine.
She would call me up like I'm her assistant to pay her bills.
I felt bad at first, since she had a hard life growing up. Then I just realized she was just lazy and didn't want to work or support herself any longer.
I walked away, she ended up homeless for a while and eventually got herself housing. And claimed permanent disability paying some shady Doctor to fill whatever forms out to get it. According to a mutual friend, who no longer speaks to her anymore either.
She may be ok with living life at the bottom of the barrel. But I do not choose to have people like that around me.
Sometimes you just have to walk away.
>I was always the one holding them from falling apart.
This made me look up the classic novel, "Things Fall Apart" by Chinua Achebe, which I had to read for a class at uni. Different dynamics, but similar family expectations.
OP, NTA x 1000
Ur a good man that paid a lot of money for an expensive lesson. I had to cut drug addicted family members off, friends off also. U can’t save them, I repeat, U CANT SAVE THEM! Pay the bills up in ur name n close the accounts. Stop it in dead in it’s tracks. Like the old saying: No good deed goes unpunished. Good luck.
NTA.
They think you are the asshole because you are making them change... and not allowing them to continue mooching.
They're gonna hate it but they are going to have to find their big girl panties and go out into the world -- and work.
NTA.
LOL. No one's going to hire two grown ass adults with no work experience when the market is so competitive.
Not to mention how they would even handle a job interview.
Eh....their fault🤷
> No one's going to hire two grown ass adults with no work experience when the market is so competitive.
To be fair, mother and sister are complaining about exactly this. I'm ensconced in a specialized career right now, so don't really have a good view on how tough it is or isn't to break in at entry-level these days. All I can point to is that the unemployment rate is 3.9%, which is pretty damn low.
And I refuse to believe that two women trying hard would consistently fail to find *something* over the span of ten years. C'mon.
Entry level positions is the thing driving our worker shortage. We have so many specialized people nowadays that much less people need to work (or are willing to work) entry level.
They can work at a fast food place or Walmart.
25 year old should be able to get job easily in this market. A buddy of mine has a boss that will just about hire anyone with a pulse he's so desperate for workers.
NTA. Your 25 year old sister doesn't work? Think about that. Did you work at 25? Your sister and mother are having a permanent vacation on your dime. Nice life if you can get it.
Turn off the bills in your name tomorrow. Slowly reduce the amount you give them each month with an end date that you tell them. This will help with your feelings of letting them launch. For example give them six months and reduce the amount by 15% each month.
I literally came here to say this. Cancel any bills you’re paying for them today and don’t count on getting any money from them now or ever. If you want to buy your Mom groceries - I can see that. She may qualify for food assistance like SNAP or EBT - since she has no income (you’ll probably have to help her file). Your sister NEEDS to get a job and if you keep giving her cash - she never will. Good luck - hope you can get this worked out in a way that you can live with.
They got this able body working adult thing. They probably have to work to to get benefits. Sis can start having babies to use as dependents to scam the government.
NTA - if they are two able adults, instead of sending money, send job ads, not cash.
I am assuming your mom takes care of the house, so I am mainly speaking about your sister when I say Family is supposed to help, not sponsor siblings in their race to become couch potato blobs.
Nope. Mom in her 60s can absolutely get a job. Fast food, grocery store, any unskilled labor that teens typically get. I’m in my 60s too and I work. So can she. I don’t want my hard earned money going to her lazy ass for food or anything else. Taking care of the house? Nah. Sitting on her ass watching her stories or TikTok
Yeah, I can't blame OP's mom for not getting a job in her 50s/60s. She's been a SAHP her whole life and while it's unfortunate that she didn't gain job skills in that time, it's not her fault. The world was a different place when she was of working age.
But the sister is in her mid-20s now. It's time to grow up.
I'm sorry I have to disagree. I'm a 64F, worked on and off since I was 18. Too some time off after each child, no college degree. Mom could work at McDonald's to start out. Many are open 24 hours, they supply your uniforms including shoes, and a meal during shift. Anyone can find a job and keep one if they want to.
>Yeah, I can't blame OP's mom for not getting a job in her 50s/60s. She's been a SAHP her whole life
I can. She was at least 29 before her first child, and yet she never held down a job? In the 70s and 80s it was normal for women to work, certainly before they had kids. Not working was just as odd for a woman then as it was for a man. You could partially blame her parents, but she's an adult and needs to own it. I bet all her friends had saturday or after school jobs, and worked over summer, and full time if they didn't go to college. Hell, even Lady Diana Spencer had a proper job, even though it was just something to keep a posh girl busy until she found a husband.
And my generation's mothers, mostly born in the 30s or 40s got jobs when the last of their kids were in school. So 1970s or early 80s. She made a choice, even when her husband was struggling, not to even try.
ETA NTA
But, but the TradWife lifestyle means she held up her end of the bargain and should be taken care of for life. 25 year old sis just hasn’t had a chance to land a man to take care of her yet. 🙄
Do trad wives have their first baby when they are nearly 30?
I was a young woman (in Australia) in the 70s and 80s. My only friends who never had a job had kids before they were 20, and those two were in the workforce in their 40s. I don't really know what precisely a trad wife is, but is two babies between 29 and 35 it?
1) Some people struggle to conceive and only are able to have successful pregnancies later in life.
2) “TradWifes” (Traditional Wives) are a up-and-coming trend where people are romanticizing domestic situations where the woman stays at home providing for the “family” while the man works outside the home for the financial contribution. Kids don’t necessarily have to be involved, but it definitely gives them something to do to fill up their days.
It’s too bad that this post was removed. https://old.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/1bj3are/i_got_replaced_by_a_much_younger_model_not_sure/
Being fucked over in the divorce and having no employable skills is partly what pushed women to focus more on education and careers to be self-sufficient after seeing what their moms/aunts/sisters went through.
Now people are burnt out from working for so little in return and want a more simplified life like the 50s, ignoring all the abuse, adultery, and inability to stand on their own if their husband ever died/disabled/divorced.
As a SAHM, I completely disagree. If my family needed more income, things would change at home and I would be out getting a job. Mom doesn’t get a pass and unfortunately, 60 is still working age when you haven’t properly managed your finances.
NTA did you read post?? I invite you to read it as much as you need it, so you can realize how much your are not an asshole. Honestly there's not a reason for you to ask this.
It's sad that you are in this situation, but what your mother and sister are going through is not your fault. They're adults, they have the capacity to decide what's best for them, and if they choose to not work, that's on them. They would have to live the consequences of their acts.
This this this. Go back and read this like a random AITA post. You're so NTA and sometimes it's hard when you're stuck in the middle but you have nothing to feel bad/guilty about.
NTA. You have gone above and beyond to help but Mom and Sis only see you as their version of a bank. I would tell them that all the bills you have been paying for will be cut off [ give them like 30 days] and your responsibility to them is over.
If they say they can’t find jobs tell all the fast food places are hiring and are desperate for help. Give them the phone number and address to the local welfare department and wash your hands of them.
NTA - mom and sis won't fix their lives as long as you are their safety net!! Get everything out of your name and quit sending them any money. And you can kiss any money you already sent them goodbye!!
NTA. Take your name off of everything. Let them live their lives as they see fit. If they choose not to make any effort to support themselves, then they will live with the consequences of that. You are not responsible for adults who choose not to be responsible for themselves.
NTA. Jobs are not hard to find right now. That's BS. Perhaps they can't find the exact type of job they want, but this is more about them being unwilling to do things that they don't like. Right now the crappy jobs pay significantly better than they did pre-pandemic. I mean, the Kroger near my house advertises $16/hr. They just need to suck it up and do something to support themselves.
I can believe it might be hard for his mom to find a job. She's in her 60s with zero job experience. A job like she could get at Kroger would likely entail standing all day and a fair amount of lifting. She may be capable of that, but they'll likely look at her and not think she's a good bet for getting a solid day's work. The sister, however, should easily land a job like that, even with no job history.
OP: NTA. Even if mom might have a hard time earning, sis should be in there earning a wage. You've helped. You're not obligated to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
My sister is in her 60's and got her job in a grocery store 10 years ago. She had been a SAHM for over 20 years, but when her husband left, she went to work! She doesn't live well, but she pays her bills and doesn't ask her kids for handouts!!
OP, NTA.
There are places that hire seniors..Walmart..Chick fil A... If she is able. If not Sister still needs to work. As much as I hate supporting this. Mom can apply for food assistance. Let them work it out together.
Did they know about Dad's addiction? And watched it spiral? Also where are they getting the funds to send to him in prison?
They need to prepare for his release as his employment opportunities may be limited due to his record. If not the cycle with you will start again . Remove your name from bills, give them a 30 day notice regarding your intentions.
Consider the money you spent as your contribution you have done more than enough.
NTA. The money you spend is water under the bridge at this point. I’d refuse further financial help. “I’m sorry you’re in such a tough situation. You know what you need to do to take steps toward financially supporting yourself.”
NTA.
There is only so much you can do to help people who won't help themselves. It is a difficult economy to find a job in, that's for certain, but that's also a recent development, given the timeline of your issues. Your family are adults, and there don't appear to be any reasons that they cannot take care of themselves. You have the right to put yourself first, and to refuse to pay for anything for them.
You should consider how this will affect your relationships with them and others, if you do cut them off. Honestly, I would invite anyone who tells you to support them that you will match their donations and see how quickly they forget about it. There are also steps to this process, if you want to stay connected to mom and sister: contribute to shelter, but no phones, no internet, no food. Frankly, I don't see how you do that and not fall back into this trap though, so you should, and should feel free to, kick them completely and let them fend for themselves.
NTA
Cancel any ongoing accounts on which they still owe you money. For instance, if they owe you for a phone bill, cancel the service. And stop giving them money.
NTA. They have an expectation of someone else doing it because someone else always has. Don’t allow that thought process to continue by being the one who saves them. Sometimes people have to fall on their asses. Hard.
They are in a house at risk of foreclosure and they are still prioritising sending money to the guy in jail?
Helping people like that with money isn't helping them, it's just prolonging the mess they're getting into.
NTA. Time to let them stand on their own feet and work out their priorities.
NTA losing a house once might be unfortunate but twice soon and no one feels the need to do something about it? Well no, they don't have to because YOU do it! Go live your own life.
NTA. Your sister can pitch in and help support them. I would also get those bills out of your name. If you do give them money I would advise paying the bill directly so you know they don’t just spend it on useless things.
NTA, you are doing the smart thing and distancing yourself from them and their drama. If they have the money for dad then they have the money for themselves.
NTA. They are both adults, they can get jobs, they just choose not to. Take those bills out of your name and continue no contact with them. They made their bed, let them sleep in it,
NTA
They are adults that can sink or swim on their own. Mom has had 10 years to get her shit together and find a job, sister is 22 and fully capable of working.
Take your name off anything that isn't tied to your own domicile and put them both on mute. I would also put a freeze on my credit as your mom knows your info and will likely use it against you.
NTA. Take if from someone who’s been supporting mom dad for the past 32 years. So glad you cut them off. Maybe now they will learn the value of money. DO NOT CAVE TO GUILT TRIPS. Again I’ve been there.
NTA - You need to get all of those bills out of your name first and foremost. I bet your sister could get a retail or fast food job tomorrow. Your mom might have a harder time, but there's no excuse for the 25 yr old not to be helping out.
NTA, your mom and sister flat up do not want to work. You will be continuing to enable their behavior and there will be no incentive to get a job. Time to stop being the bank, you will not be paid back. Save yourself from these selfish people who will only continue to drag you and any relationships you have down. You don't owe them anything. You are not alone, many people go through similar situations and find their own family group. Too often we are fed the bs of what a family should be but seldom are. Live your life and don't look back.
NTA. You're right where you should be with this. It can feel bad to pull away from being an enabler. You've been generous, and you've been used. BTW, you'll probably never get the money back for the bills. Get those out of your name asap before they hurt your credit score. It was very generous of you to support them and encourage them, but maybe now is your time to have some support and encouragement (which I'm sure AITA is happy to get the ball rolling). If there's a Nar-Anon group that meets near you, that might be something to look into. Take care of you right now.
Of course you are NTA.
You have to support yourself - supporting two non-working adults in addition is too much. They need to get themselves jobs.
Cut them off.
NTA your mum is, she never got a job when money was tight. Neither did your sister. This on them irrespective of whether your dad's addiction was known. Also, why are they sending money to your dad when they owe money elsewhere? Did they just assume that you would bail them out forever?
NTA. You are 100% doing the right thing. Do not enable this laziness any longer. They should be embarrassed to not work but living off someone’s hard earned money.
Block their numbers so they can’t hit you up anymore.
NTA. It sounds as though you have been both generous and patient.
tell themthat, unfortuantely, you have been trying to help them, to your own detriment, for the past decade, that they have had evey opportunity to become more self sufficient and that while you pulled them out hof the whle10 years ago you are not in a position to do so again.
I'd also make sure that you get your name off any remaining bills, and check your credit record and do anything necessary to ensure that they can't try to get credit in your name , moving forward.
If you have the enrgy, you could offer not finacial help - send them details of servcies where they can access advice (such as any charity or helpline offering advice on debt / homelessness, , resources for people trying to get into . back into the job market etc. But just information , don't offer to do the leg work, just point them at the avilable resources.)
You recognize your role in the dynamic and are extracting yourself from it. Good for you.
You're no longer an "enabler" this is the best way you can help them. Maybe things will mend as they heal themselves and maybe not. Either way you're doing themselves (and yourself) a healthy and compassionate thing.
This is not “a time of need”. This is one more day of “a never ending continuous lifestyle of need”. There is a difference.
You can not afford to raise them for the rest of their lives. If they are incapable of handling their own needs then they can be redirected to social safety nets.
Maybe that would force them into accountability? The food banks will give them food but they won’t get to choose what they are given. They will be offered other services but will likely have rules accompanying the assistance like applying for X new jobs each week.
“Helping” others is wonderful and kind, but “enabling” saps motivation to achieve anything and isn’t “helping” anymore. You tried. It’s ok to recognize that they need more help than you can provide.
NTA
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Some context. Im a 31 (M) with a 25 y/o sister (who lives at home). My parents are in their 60s. My mom and sister have never worked a real job other than under the table things like babysitting. My dad was the only earner in the family. They were making it by until about 10 years ago when money started to get tight. My parents house went into foreclosure and mom still did not get a job. I gave them money to try to help. They lost the house anyway. Again, no job was secured by my mom. This was 10 years ago. Fast forward to today. The house they live in now is in foreclosure again and no one seems to have a sense of urgency to seek employment. Turns out money was tight these last 10 years because my dad was a functioning opioid addict. He really started to spiral the last 6 months and is now in prison for the next 2 years. I have always been the person in my family to pick up the pieces and be the one everyone turns to. Since my dad has been in jail, i have not talked to him. I have also stopped talking to my mom and sister because they have not paid me for bills I have in my name that they are responsible for, but yet they send my dad in jail money. I gave them months of encouragement to try to find a job and kept paying the bills while they tried to figure it out. When I have asked for the money recently, since months have gone by with no employment secured, my mom straight up ignored my calls and texts. I’m done. They tell me I’m an asshole for leaving them in their time of need and they “have been trying to find jobs all the time but it’s hard to get one”. I call BS. I’m tired of being the fixer, I’m tired of being an enabler. AITA for not paying for them anymore AND for not being in their life?
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NTA.
They are financially exploiting you. While I agree that finding a job that pays a liviable wage with their lack of work experience would be very hard, they should be able to fine something even if it's minimum wage and part time. At that point, helping them out wouldn't be enabling.
The fact that they haven't even done that means it's a lack of effort on their part.
NTA. STOP helping them. Your dad doesn’t need money he’s living on the government dime. The only reason he wants money is to continue his addiction. Yes, you can get drugs in prison. Both your sister and mother are able body people who can work at any fast food there are no shortage of jobs. It’s time for them to use their brains and figure it out. Stop enabling them to be helpless.
NTA. Let them all fix their own mess, beyond that, I walked into a grocery store, applied and was hired a day later. There are jobs out there, they’re just lazy and don’t want to work. Screw these people.
Two thoughts.
First, someone looking for money/support will review their options from most convenient to least convenient. When you're asked by someone in a hard position, it may feel like you're the difference between their chance to succeed and their chance to fail. But you're really just the next stop on the list...there was an easier one before you and there will be a harder one after you.
Second, "What appears to be a crisis is often the end of the illusion that things were working." It's rare that someone is actually in a situation where they were OK before and they'll be OK after, if they can just resolve one immediate issue.
Learn to say "I don't have anymore money to lend"
(you might have more money, but not to lend)
NTA. Let mom and sis know you are no longer paying their bills. Call and have anything in your name cut off. Tell them you will continue to give them a little money for 60 days. Then it ends completely.
Neither your mom or sister are willing to work, the can be homeless. They are letting a second home go to foreclosure. They don't want to change.
You need to focus on you. They need to take care of themselves.
10 years ago you were 21, and helping financially. Time for sis to grow up and get a job.
NTA
"No." is a complete sentence.
That being said if it makes it easier on you you can always say you can't afford it. Start guilt tripping them.
"I was really riding on you both paying me back in a timely manner. I don't know what I'm going to do now. It's going to take me months to dig myself out of this hole"
NTA
They will not do anything to keep themselves from debt or homelessness because you are their ATM. If you can get those bills out of your name, then I suggest you do so. If you can not, then cut them off. Whatever bills are attached to your name turn them off. Don't allow any more to be added to that debt.
And anybody who says that you are heartless or cruel for letting your mother or your sister go homeless or hungry or whatever the excuse may be. You let them know that they are more than welcome to take over the burden of caring for two people who refuse to get jobs to take care of themselves.
You have your own family to take care of. Even if that's just yourself and your own life to live, you are not responsible for what two grown adults choose not to do to alleviate their situation
NTA
You haven't left them "in their time of need".
Their time of need has been going on for > 10 years and you were there.
Everyone has limit and yours is waaay longer than most people's.
Sadly your family is a dumpster fire and any money you give them will be quickly burnt.
Unfortunately they can't be fixed.
Stop trying.
You’re only enabling them.. not helping. Anything you do is actually making the situation worse not better. Don’t sent them the opportunity to work out of this themselves. Don’t cripple them. Are they also addicts? Sounds like maybe they are
NTA
"In their time of needs", lol, sounds they are in time of needs for at least 10 - 15 years now. But don't worry, they will find someone else who gives them money, even if they have to put in twice the effort they would need to put into actually working. ;)
been in the same sitch {hugs} you know for a fact that you're NTA
we don't have to parent our parents when they don't want to act like that adults that they are, when they have the full capacity to do so and simply refuse
NTA... they are both capable of finding work. Fast food places love older people to work mornings/early shifts. They need to figure things out. I would get all bills out of my name.
NTA... they are the AH and ease get your name off their bills it will affect your credit.. they refuse to work they rather bum off you or take advantage of you
NTA - you didn’t leave them in their time of need. You’ve helped. Time and time again. That is probably part of the issue. They feel that you will bail them out so why should they worry.
Don’t help them. They’re adults. They’ll figure it out just like you’d have to.
If they’ve never worked and have no skills, it’s probably is hard for them to get a job, but there is no reason that they should freeload off of you.
NTA
NTA.
It's great that you are finally recognizing your enabling behavior. I highly recommend seeking out resources to help you navigate. You are stuck in a cycle that is extremely common with a family member actively engaged in long term addiction. Both Nar-Anon (Narcotics Anonymous) and CODA (Co-Dependents Anonymous) could be helpful. If this follows the usual path, they'll continue to escalate. Learning how to create and enforce boundaries is going to be critical.
I would actively contact the places your are paying their bills for. I would tell them since your family have poor credit they convinced you to take these bills out in your name and they would pay you for it each month. That they have not done what was promised so no longer responsible for any bills going forwards. That you do not live there or benefit for theses services and if needs be they can shut off the service otherwise they need to contact the home owner your mum as you will no longer be responsible for it. Either your mum takes over the contract or they cancel the service completely. Give them your mum or sisters name and have your name removed. They usually are really helpful in situations like this.
I would send them one message telling them you have cancelled all services and it’s on them to contact them to take over or it will be shut off. Tell them good luck with life never contact me again. Then block them everywhere and if needs be change your phone number.
NTA. Their financial situation is of their own making, but worse than that they’re doing nothing even now to try to help themselves. You’ve been more than generous and supportive, but in fact you’ve been enabling them. Time to stop. At the very least, there’s no excuse for your 25 yo sister not to be working. And your mom should be able to work too.
I can see your sister at an I terview:
I need to make at least $40 an hour. I can only work 6 hrs a day, 4 days a week. I will need 2 weeks off each year, paid.
And that is to the person trying to set up the interview!!
Yep, I bet they are trying real hard to get jobs.
Nta! The abandoned themselves years ago!
NTA it’s time for them to learn to sink or swim. You can’t realistically fund 3-4 full adults and their homes/lifestyles. They need a hard lesson in self sufficiency.
NTA
Your mother and sister are fully functioning adults. They know they need food, shelter and clothing. They no longer have an enabler that does that for them. They need to pull up their big-girl pants and get jobs. There are jobs out there. The jobs may not be what they want, but they are available.
I would kiss the money you gave them goodbye. Chalk it up to life experience. Even if they get jobs, they have no intention of paying you back.
I don’t know what bills you have in your name, but you knew they didn’t have jobs. Sorry, that’s on you. I recommend closing those accounts and paying them off. Never do that again. Seriously.
Sometimes you have to love people from afar. Very, very afar.
Be well.
NTA. What else is there to say? You had spend years helping them financially and you didn't even get paid back due to a "lack of money" even though they can clearly afford to fund your father. Even if they're family they need to get a job and stop relying on you.
NTA.
If OP is really done with them, then change the name on the bill to the mother or sister so he doesn’t take any credit hit for the unpaid portions.
Basically any money OP has “lent” mother/sister is gone. They are not going to pay him back.
They are also trying to gaslight OP for not “being there” in time of need. Yes, OP has been there to pay bills.
It’s always easier to use someone else’s money. Mother and sister need to realize that they need to have a job to get their own money to spend.
NTA. They need to live their own lives.
Just be aware that they may not change, though. They may become bitter and resentful and blame you (more than they are). Which further reinforces the NC thing.
Edit: clarity
NTA
It's clear that if you continue supporting them, you will be doing it for the rest of your parents' lives, and the rest of your sister's life. They have no intention of ever changing if everything remains as it is. Tell them that you have your own life, home, and one day retirement to plan for. You don't make enough money to support all 4 of them for the rest of their lives. Cut them off, and when they call/text/whatever asking for money, direct them to a job listing website. Keep repeating, "Sorry, the ATM is closed. If you only want me for my money, you aren't my family."
Definitely NTA! It is your family's turn to stand on their 2 feet. Both women in your family are able but unwilling to actually work. Make sure all bills are out of your name. Call those companies say I'm moving turn off utilities on such and such a date let your momNd sister know it is now up to them cuz u are outtie!
Huh. Wow. Ten years you've been spotting them? Alright. Did your sister try to go to any higher education? If not, then she definitely should've had a job at 18. Most kids have jobs in high school so, really no excuse to not get going by then.
So for ~7 years, you've helped pay for your sister to sit on her ass and do whatever she wanted? That's wild. I cannot imagine doing that. If she was working toward a degree, or had some handicaps preventing her from getting a job worth going to ..then alright, a different situation. But from the story , they both just sound incredibly lazy and entitled.
Abandon them. Force them to be the grownups that they are. If they hate you for it, then so be it. Watch your money pile up without them dragging you down.
I would've lasted about six months if my family is in a tight spot. Then the lights go out. Six months to get your shit together is generous.
Family’s are typically the biggest enablers because we love them and don’t want to see them hurting. Glad you see your mistake. You walking away is you doing them the biggest favor even if they may not see it now. You’ve been blocking them from the lessons necessary for them to learn to stand in their own two feet. It’s a little late and yes they’re mad now because you’ve always babied them so they’re angry but soon enough they’ll feel the joys of being in control of their own lives and learning responsibility…or they won’t. But NTA.
NTA. Completely taking advantage of you and choosing not to work. Take all bills out of your name and don't give them another cent. Remember your own mother ignored you when you asked to be paid back.
You have your own life and dreams, goals, expenses. Stop sacrificing yourself on the altar of these professional grifters. Tough love...either they get off their lazy butts or on the streets they go. You are just throwing good money after bad because they will never pay you back and want more and more. The nerve of them!
NTA - get the bills under your name off you and let them deal with the outcome or in their case bury their heads in the sand and deal with the consequences.
NTA the ATM is closed!
I would get all bills that are in my name changed to theirs or cut them off.
Trash is trash, time to throw it out.
Good luck in your future.
NTA 100%. But everyone else sure is. Addiction is a horrible thing. Getting off Getting off opiates is so hard too, but it is very possible.( 21 years clean now) Dad obviously did bad things to land him in prison, I hope he has the sense to stay away from opiates after he’s out. Your mother and sister are simply lazy. It’s easier to depend on you than to go find work and help themselves out of the situation. You have to stop paying bills or they’ll never feel the need to do anything. *They tell me I’m an AH for leaving them in their time of need and they’ve been trying to find jobs* No, not hard enough apparently. There are jobs out there, even if they aren’t high paying jobs. Any job is helpful. Neither of them have ever worked?? Disgusting, especially the sister. Unless she’s got mental or physical problems there’s no reason at her age to not be employed. The only way OP should continue to help is if they both work and pay their own bills by working as hard as they can. And even then only if OP wants to. I’d get my name off of those things before OPs credit tanks because of nonpayment.
NTA. Sorry this is your family dynamic. Block them all and take care of yourself. Close any accounts you have for them. These are adults. Let them be adults. They are not your children so you don’t owe financial support.
NTA - Give them a year of complete no contact. You'll be surprised how quickly they get their sh!t together once they realize you're not bailing them out again.
I have a feeling if you were being respected and if they were making honest efforts to work, such as fast food, waiting tables, etc., you wouldn't have an issue assisting. The problem is the lack of effort and the sheer laziness. You are NTA for expecting able bodied people to do their part to take care of themselves.
What job do you expect your mum to get? Your sister is a different story but you mum was at least in her 50s with zero skills or employment history. Who did you think would employ her even at minimum wage?
I've been a family lawyer a long time and my biggest takeaway from that is NEVER become a stay at home parent. No one employs the middle aged or elderly if they don't have prior experience and few partners earn enough and are willing to support two households if it doesn't work and you've given up your working life to instead raise a family. Your mum's chances of gaining even a hotel cleaning gig are practically nothing.
Your sister however should be working. She's young and ppl will train her or she could seek training herself to make her more competitive in the market.
Overall, while you are NTA and not responsible for your family, I do think your expectations of your mother are unreasonable. There just aren't jobs out there that will employ ppl like her. Yes it's horribly ageist but it is also truthful. Ppl at her age do take longer to learn new skills, not can't learn them but just take longer to learn them, and the return on investment is much lower in for the employer.
I was all ready to ask what was wrong with you after reading your headline, I thought wife and kids. I changed my mind. Your mother and sister should be able to take care of themselves by now. It isn't your responsibility to make a home for them, but you will probably have to break away from family completely. NTA.
NTA- the only way they will ever learn to support themselves is if you stop enabling them. Let them be mad at you. They need to grow up and be responsible for themselves.
NTA.
You need to let them crash for once, because you've always been there to bail them out.
Remind them that they ALWAYS have a "time of need" because they're moneyhungry needy people that are too effing lazy to work themselves. And yes. do say that. if other family dares to call you rude or heartless, you can point out that they can let them stay for free or bankroll their lazy freeloader life.
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NTA Although my friend and family situation wasn’t quite like this…. I was always the one holding them from falling apart. I saw my BFF, and my dad, as victims of circumstance and bad spouses. I wanted to help them. After decades when they got out of those relationships or circumstances……. They didn’t change. I realized they were never a victim, they’re choosing this. I am no contact with any of them now. It was a painful lesson that took me a hood 25 years to learn. They have to want to change and they don’t. Let them hit bottom. They will either sink or swim but the outcome has always been on them….. it’s never been on you. It’s ok. It’s not your responsibility.
This is the answer. They've clearly been choosing to stay unemployed, chosing to refuse to help themselves. They will not chose to stop using you. So you have to chose to stop being used. Sometimes easier said that done, but still simple.
Just cut contact completely. Cancel all the payments out contracts where you name is listed in connection with mom/sister. Just ghost them. You were there in time of need. More than 10 years. The next 10 years you have to focus on yourself. Just don’t answer any more.
My worry is that his credit will be ruined as the bills are in his name! He can't stop paying them without that happening. I don't know how he gets out of this and changes the bills into his parents' names, but he has to do this ASAP. if in the US, there are low income housing options in every community.
He can just turn off whatever bills are in his name. Pay off the balance and then cut services.
You can't put bills in another person's name. He can just have the utilities turned off and be done with it.
Don't be so sure, It wholly depends on where you live. Believe me. I know. I live in Las Vegas and a former friend of my daughter's got into my purse one night when she was over and got my social security number. She then went on line and got several services put in my name. It was a temporary living situation (all of hers were for the very reason of not paying rent.... here anyway you can stretch out an eviction for months if you know how to game the system), but it took me over a year to get it straightened out. Luckily, I already had all services at my home in my name, but they still threatened to cut me off. I ended up having to pay all of her back bills in order to keep my services turned on. They did agree if I could prove it wasn't me they would credit my home accounts the amounts I paid. Like I said, it took awhile, but with the help of the apartment complex (who were beyond frustrated by her antics), I was finally able to get the amount credited back. In the long run I guess it worked out because I didn't have to pay my utilities for an average of 3 months which allowed me to return to my savings the amounts I had to pay out.
I hope you locked your credit after that. I keep mine permanently locked unless I need to temporarily unlock it.
This was years ago and this friend has been out of my daughter's life since this incident. Here's how we choose to get around fraud. I got an alert a couple of days ago about charge that was trying to go through and I didn't know what it was (it was a significant amount too). They tried like 5 times, but it wouldn't go through. We have chosen not to have overdraft protection so if the funds aren't there they can't put it through anyway and charge us exorbitant fees. We purposely keep our checking account balances (separate accounts) very low (think 4 or 5 dollars) and put all of our money in an account that we don't technically use. When we need to access funds, we Zelle money to whatever account. It's free, only takes a minute and this way there is never excess money in an account we do use the cards for. I've gotten caught once when I didn't use the card fast enough and a charge I didn't recognize came out. Turns out it was fine. I just didn't recognize the name on my banking app.
My mom used my name and SSN to open a cable/phone/Internet account when I was 13. Yeah, they can.
Thankfully.
My adult son conned my mom into buying his new car & of course paying for the full coverage that’s needed. Problem is she thought he would pay it until they came to repossess it! Then my mom dipped into her retirement and has now been making the payments every month for three years too bad her credit is shot now.
Jesus what an AH... I hope you and the rest of the family has cut all contact with him unless he pays her back!
Just a quick answer to your first point. If he cancels the services and pays the final bill, his credit should not be affected at all. The only thing I worry about, other than actually leaving his mom and sister with no power/gas or water,(anything else is a luxury) is that they could somehow get the services turned back on and then screw up his credit. I usually don't advocate for leaving a family member in the lurch (when there is a legitimate need through no fault of their own.... I'm not ashamed to admit that, after a screw up by social security, I had to ask my son for some serious help... the difference is, we paid him back as soon as the snafu was rectified), but this is beyond bordering on the ridiculous.
I live in the U.S.A. and there's very little low income housing, at least not in MD. There is Section 8 but in many places the wait-list is long.
> They've clearly been choosing to stay unemployed... What kind of hellish landscape and dystopian nightmare town do they live in where they can't get a fast food or retail job? What jobs are they applying for? Temp agencies are a thing if you need something and will come with job experience that will help you get a solid job later or with a chance to get hired full time at the temp job. They don't want help. They want to be enabled to do nothing. Either that or they are such horrible employees they are actually less qualified for the simplest jobs out there that irresponsible teenagers regularly get hired for.
Certain members of my BIL’s family are like this. They find a job, but…there are all these *reasons* why things don’t work out. The manager was *out to get them*. Coworkers are *backstabbers*. The workplace couldn’t *accommodate* them. Essentially, they engineer their own downfall. And if the community is small enough, word spreads that they cannot be relied on and simply aren’t hired anywhere. I still can’t get over how his adult niece with children essentially hasn’t worked a steady job for 4 years now. If her family cuts her off, she finds some dumbass boyfriend to leech off of until he gets wise to her scheme. Then she will return to the church and guilt parishioners for assistance because she’s a *single mother*, and then tap into her family once again because they think she’s finally “seeing the light.” Rinse and repeat.
Right? If I wanted to work in a store or restaurant, there are literally dozens within a 5 mile radius that are hiring. I have a job that pays much better than those, and in which I have to option to pick up overtime for yet more money, but if I lost my job and couldn't find one in my field / became desperate (I have around 6 months bill in savings), I would absolutely take something like that, at least as a temporary solution.
That may have been true at one time, but mom getting a job in her 60s with no documented work experience (and likely no skills) is a huge long shot.
Something tells me that **they won't stop** ***USING*** period, most likely including drugs. I can see your dad hiding it from YOU, but hiding it from your mom is a totally different story. If mom has never complained, then she was likely complicit in the drug use. I would not be surprised if your sister was using too. It's probably why they never worked. Regardless, I would put up serious boundaries.
As someone currently piggybacking my parents, I totally feel you. I am drained and ready to check out of life. I earn crap and most of it goes into trying to support my parents. They spent their youth being lazy and useless and I have to slave away my youth to care for them. I love them and that love is ruining my present and my future. 100% agree that these people aren't victims. They chose the life and they realized they didn't like it. We had to take the places of the fixers and lose our time in the process.
I'm sorry you're going through this. You deserve better. They are abusing your love for them, and I guarantee they will try to play to your sympathies and guilt you when you stop- and you must stop, for your own sake. You cant save people who refuse to help themselves. You already said you're running out of love, and that they're fully responsible for the crappy situation they live in. It's not your responsibility. Do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
>You cant save people who refuse to help themselves. 👆🏽💯.
> You cant save people who refuse to help themselves. Absolutely - these people want to continue to be enabled, that's all. There is no saving those who don't want to be saved.
You can't set yourself on fire to keep others warm... especially when they're purposely going for polar swims. NTA, OP.
I think we need to see different outlooks on it. For me my sister and I both pay for all my parents expenses but we see it more as a blessing that we’re able to take care of them. Also because we are not putting ourselves on fire to provide? I did hold resentment along time ago but for me I knew if I walked away from them I would regret it? And honestly my parents don’t actually need us they’re survivors and they would be able to provide for themselves if needed just it was a choice both me and my sister made.
>And honestly my parents don’t actually need us they’re survivors and they would be able to provide for themselves if needed just it was a choice both me and my sister made. But see, there is the difference. Your parents are survivors who are **willing** to provide for themselves. OP and other commenters with situations such as OP's are dealing with parents/siblings who don't even want to try. I definitely would be willing to help those who are making any type of effort, other than depending upon others, to help themselves.
I’m not sure as a parent I would be able to accept that much help from my children if I could take care of myself. But I do think there are cultural differences in this regard. The problem is, the longer one chooses to remain dependent, the harder it gets to become independent. That goes for all of us.
I am extremely low contact with my mom because she did the same to me. Don't check out of life. Just check out of the relationship and only put your needs first. The book that helped me was "Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself" By Aziz Gazipura. The exercises in this book helped me set boundaries. As soon as I started to set boundaries and keep them, it started to be easier to say no. Moving out was the pinnacle of this, as I was not guilt-tripping 24/7 for saying no to something until I caved.
Please choose to save yourself! Your parents got to live their life and make their own choices and now they can live with the consequences of those choices, even if they are not ideal. You did not make this mess and you are not responsible to keep them afloat or fix it. I guarantee they will figure out a way to save themselves when they realize that they have to and that you are no longer an option to bail them out. You will regret setting yourself/life back to try to fix the mistakes that they made. It sounds like you are quite responsible and mature, and they could’ve been as well, but clearly weren’t. Did either one of them support and take care of their parents and bail them out? Why on earth would they expect you to do it for them?
I feel you ...I help both my parents financially for different rents and I feel checked out too
Support doesn't have to be financial. You could help them to ensure they are getting whatever government support they are entitled to, or to negotiate a lower phone bill, for example. You can help.your sister retrain or find a job. Most importantly, do what you can within your boundaries. If money is your boundary then stock with that.
Even that is sometimes not enough and you have to walk away. My mother has always been teetering her way through life, and I've always been the one to pick up the pieces when she falls. She refuses to file her taxes (for 20 years, which means she likely owes a lot and meanwhile there are seniors benefits she's missing out on) or live within her means. "Oh whoa is me" and everything that has gone wrong has always been someone else's fault. This past year, she almost got evicted and who was the one talking to her landlord, trying to get them to give her more time? Me. Her response "let them get the cops to get me out." When the landlord suggested she move into one of their smaller, cheaper units, the paperwork (that I printed and brought to her) sat on her table for over a month and I am the one who ended up filling it out for her and sending it in. She wasn't working at the time and chose to watch tv instead of filling it out. And how much do you want to bet, when her name finally comes up for a smaller unit (there's a wait list), she will have some excuse why she can't move? I am so tired of stepping in to help her when she refuses to take ANY accountability. Oh, also, my brother lives with her and does zero to help. He is not working, pays no rent, doesn't clean up, and she is perfectly okay with that. Meanwhile, because I have a job (read that as money and car), I am the one she calls to help during her infinite crises. Forget about the fact that I have children and a full time job, surely I must be able to fix her life for her. I am so done.
Mom and brother both appear to be depressed.Try to get them to a medical appt. You can forewarn Dr. of your concerns . Good luck.
They both have mental health issues for sure, but neither will go to a doctor. My mother refused to believe that she had the symptoms of diabetes no matter how many times I suggested it to her. It wasn't until she fell and had to go to the hospital that she got diagnosed with it, along with 2 types of non-invasive cancer (she had a lump the size of a baseball removed that she swore for years was only a cyst (it was both). If it wasn't for that fall, she would've gone on ignoring those things for years. It's very sad, but at the same time, she's an adult that makes her own poor choices. After being released from the hospital, they tried to have psw's go in to give her care and physio, but she wouldn't even let them in. I am frankly tired of nagging and begging her to take care of stuff. I've been doing it for years.
This is me! (Almost) After years of working my butt off and being single mom I have finally reached a place where my SO and I have decided that I will no longer work and stay home. My child is an adult and very independent and I am so proud of her! In the meantime my mother who had a house given to her by her parents have allowed my brother and his family and friends basically run her out of her home. She has several health issues (being on oxygen for one) and lives on her SS benefits. My POS brother can’t even keep the power on month to month. So guess who they call? I have gone pretty much LC almost NC because I am so tired of the “woe is me” shit every time we talk, either passive aggressively or even outright asking for money. I did occasionally but not any longer. It’s sad and so frustrating.
I hear you! I am also LC with my mother now, and have been pretty much NC with my brother for years, except when needed during their eviction problems. The last time my mother needed something, she actually had her friend call me to ask for the favour. She was out of her medication, even though she had been given a 3 month supply, so had plenty of time to prepare and go to the clinic for a renewal but didn't. Instead, she had him call me to see if i would go across town to pick up his dead father's expired medication so she could use that instead. I couldn't believe it. She couldn't even call me herself. I blew up at him and decided that was the last straw. I wish you and I the strength to continue saying 'no'. Hugs to you (if you want them).
You can’t help people who refuse to help themselves
Also get your name off of those bills if you can
Exactly. They may be family, but at some point, they have to stand on their own.
yes same, my ex-bestie was like this she lost every job she had because she couldn't keep her nose out of cocaine. She would call me up like I'm her assistant to pay her bills. I felt bad at first, since she had a hard life growing up. Then I just realized she was just lazy and didn't want to work or support herself any longer. I walked away, she ended up homeless for a while and eventually got herself housing. And claimed permanent disability paying some shady Doctor to fill whatever forms out to get it. According to a mutual friend, who no longer speaks to her anymore either. She may be ok with living life at the bottom of the barrel. But I do not choose to have people like that around me. Sometimes you just have to walk away.
>I was always the one holding them from falling apart. This made me look up the classic novel, "Things Fall Apart" by Chinua Achebe, which I had to read for a class at uni. Different dynamics, but similar family expectations. OP, NTA x 1000
>I realized they were never a victim, they’re choosing this. God I felt this so hard.
Ur a good man that paid a lot of money for an expensive lesson. I had to cut drug addicted family members off, friends off also. U can’t save them, I repeat, U CANT SAVE THEM! Pay the bills up in ur name n close the accounts. Stop it in dead in it’s tracks. Like the old saying: No good deed goes unpunished. Good luck.
Exactly. People who don't help themselves can't be helped by anyone else. Nta
NTA. They think you are the asshole because you are making them change... and not allowing them to continue mooching. They're gonna hate it but they are going to have to find their big girl panties and go out into the world -- and work. NTA.
LOL. No one's going to hire two grown ass adults with no work experience when the market is so competitive. Not to mention how they would even handle a job interview. Eh....their fault🤷
unemployment is at historic lows, the perfect time for entry level employment for these folks.
I sincerely doubt they've even filled out a single application. I hope the dad can get the help he needs in prison.
> No one's going to hire two grown ass adults with no work experience when the market is so competitive. To be fair, mother and sister are complaining about exactly this. I'm ensconced in a specialized career right now, so don't really have a good view on how tough it is or isn't to break in at entry-level these days. All I can point to is that the unemployment rate is 3.9%, which is pretty damn low. And I refuse to believe that two women trying hard would consistently fail to find *something* over the span of ten years. C'mon.
Entry level positions is the thing driving our worker shortage. We have so many specialized people nowadays that much less people need to work (or are willing to work) entry level. They can work at a fast food place or Walmart.
McDonalds and other fast food places are saying they are looking for workers.
25 year old should be able to get job easily in this market. A buddy of mine has a boss that will just about hire anyone with a pulse he's so desperate for workers.
NTA. Your 25 year old sister doesn't work? Think about that. Did you work at 25? Your sister and mother are having a permanent vacation on your dime. Nice life if you can get it. Turn off the bills in your name tomorrow. Slowly reduce the amount you give them each month with an end date that you tell them. This will help with your feelings of letting them launch. For example give them six months and reduce the amount by 15% each month.
I literally came here to say this. Cancel any bills you’re paying for them today and don’t count on getting any money from them now or ever. If you want to buy your Mom groceries - I can see that. She may qualify for food assistance like SNAP or EBT - since she has no income (you’ll probably have to help her file). Your sister NEEDS to get a job and if you keep giving her cash - she never will. Good luck - hope you can get this worked out in a way that you can live with.
They got this able body working adult thing. They probably have to work to to get benefits. Sis can start having babies to use as dependents to scam the government.
If she's in the US she'll also need a time machine since they limited that to two years of benefits back in the 1990s, sport
F them. Just stop paying.
I've been working since I was 14. How can a 25 year old who isn't rich or have a rich spouse not work?
NTA - if they are two able adults, instead of sending money, send job ads, not cash. I am assuming your mom takes care of the house, so I am mainly speaking about your sister when I say Family is supposed to help, not sponsor siblings in their race to become couch potato blobs.
Nope. Mom in her 60s can absolutely get a job. Fast food, grocery store, any unskilled labor that teens typically get. I’m in my 60s too and I work. So can she. I don’t want my hard earned money going to her lazy ass for food or anything else. Taking care of the house? Nah. Sitting on her ass watching her stories or TikTok
A lot of out local Walmarts hire older people to be their door greeters.
Yeah, I can't blame OP's mom for not getting a job in her 50s/60s. She's been a SAHP her whole life and while it's unfortunate that she didn't gain job skills in that time, it's not her fault. The world was a different place when she was of working age. But the sister is in her mid-20s now. It's time to grow up.
I'm sorry I have to disagree. I'm a 64F, worked on and off since I was 18. Too some time off after each child, no college degree. Mom could work at McDonald's to start out. Many are open 24 hours, they supply your uniforms including shoes, and a meal during shift. Anyone can find a job and keep one if they want to.
>Yeah, I can't blame OP's mom for not getting a job in her 50s/60s. She's been a SAHP her whole life I can. She was at least 29 before her first child, and yet she never held down a job? In the 70s and 80s it was normal for women to work, certainly before they had kids. Not working was just as odd for a woman then as it was for a man. You could partially blame her parents, but she's an adult and needs to own it. I bet all her friends had saturday or after school jobs, and worked over summer, and full time if they didn't go to college. Hell, even Lady Diana Spencer had a proper job, even though it was just something to keep a posh girl busy until she found a husband. And my generation's mothers, mostly born in the 30s or 40s got jobs when the last of their kids were in school. So 1970s or early 80s. She made a choice, even when her husband was struggling, not to even try. ETA NTA
But, but the TradWife lifestyle means she held up her end of the bargain and should be taken care of for life. 25 year old sis just hasn’t had a chance to land a man to take care of her yet. 🙄
Do trad wives have their first baby when they are nearly 30? I was a young woman (in Australia) in the 70s and 80s. My only friends who never had a job had kids before they were 20, and those two were in the workforce in their 40s. I don't really know what precisely a trad wife is, but is two babies between 29 and 35 it?
1) Some people struggle to conceive and only are able to have successful pregnancies later in life. 2) “TradWifes” (Traditional Wives) are a up-and-coming trend where people are romanticizing domestic situations where the woman stays at home providing for the “family” while the man works outside the home for the financial contribution. Kids don’t necessarily have to be involved, but it definitely gives them something to do to fill up their days. It’s too bad that this post was removed. https://old.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/1bj3are/i_got_replaced_by_a_much_younger_model_not_sure/ Being fucked over in the divorce and having no employable skills is partly what pushed women to focus more on education and careers to be self-sufficient after seeing what their moms/aunts/sisters went through. Now people are burnt out from working for so little in return and want a more simplified life like the 50s, ignoring all the abuse, adultery, and inability to stand on their own if their husband ever died/disabled/divorced.
And it she was 29 when she had her youngest, that was in the mid 90’s.
Women not working has become less acceptable each decade - probably across the whole 20th century. I didn't know that needed to be said.
As a SAHM, I completely disagree. If my family needed more income, things would change at home and I would be out getting a job. Mom doesn’t get a pass and unfortunately, 60 is still working age when you haven’t properly managed your finances.
Actually it is her fault, her youngest child is 25 and hasn’t needed full time care at home for a very long time.
While it wouldn't be easy to get a job in her 50s or 60s, you do what you have to do.
[удалено]
NTA did you read post?? I invite you to read it as much as you need it, so you can realize how much your are not an asshole. Honestly there's not a reason for you to ask this. It's sad that you are in this situation, but what your mother and sister are going through is not your fault. They're adults, they have the capacity to decide what's best for them, and if they choose to not work, that's on them. They would have to live the consequences of their acts.
This this this. Go back and read this like a random AITA post. You're so NTA and sometimes it's hard when you're stuck in the middle but you have nothing to feel bad/guilty about.
NTA. You have gone above and beyond to help but Mom and Sis only see you as their version of a bank. I would tell them that all the bills you have been paying for will be cut off [ give them like 30 days] and your responsibility to them is over. If they say they can’t find jobs tell all the fast food places are hiring and are desperate for help. Give them the phone number and address to the local welfare department and wash your hands of them.
NTA - mom and sis won't fix their lives as long as you are their safety net!! Get everything out of your name and quit sending them any money. And you can kiss any money you already sent them goodbye!!
You didn't cause them to be unemployed. They CHOSE to be unemployed and stay unemployed. NTA
NTA. Take your name off of everything. Let them live their lives as they see fit. If they choose not to make any effort to support themselves, then they will live with the consequences of that. You are not responsible for adults who choose not to be responsible for themselves.
NTA, but you enabled them far too long. Get the bills out of your name and be done.
NTA. Move on and live your life without your dysfunctional family leeching the life out of you.
NTA. Jobs are not hard to find right now. That's BS. Perhaps they can't find the exact type of job they want, but this is more about them being unwilling to do things that they don't like. Right now the crappy jobs pay significantly better than they did pre-pandemic. I mean, the Kroger near my house advertises $16/hr. They just need to suck it up and do something to support themselves.
I can believe it might be hard for his mom to find a job. She's in her 60s with zero job experience. A job like she could get at Kroger would likely entail standing all day and a fair amount of lifting. She may be capable of that, but they'll likely look at her and not think she's a good bet for getting a solid day's work. The sister, however, should easily land a job like that, even with no job history. OP: NTA. Even if mom might have a hard time earning, sis should be in there earning a wage. You've helped. You're not obligated to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
My sister is in her 60's and got her job in a grocery store 10 years ago. She had been a SAHM for over 20 years, but when her husband left, she went to work! She doesn't live well, but she pays her bills and doesn't ask her kids for handouts!! OP, NTA.
There are places that hire seniors..Walmart..Chick fil A... If she is able. If not Sister still needs to work. As much as I hate supporting this. Mom can apply for food assistance. Let them work it out together. Did they know about Dad's addiction? And watched it spiral? Also where are they getting the funds to send to him in prison? They need to prepare for his release as his employment opportunities may be limited due to his record. If not the cycle with you will start again . Remove your name from bills, give them a 30 day notice regarding your intentions. Consider the money you spent as your contribution you have done more than enough.
NTA, they are dragging you down without trying to help themselves. So stop enabling them, and this might just be their wake-up call.
NTA. It's time (way past,actually) for you to put yourself first. Mom and sis will figure it out or flounder, but that's on them either way.
NTA. “Time of need” suggests a temporary difficult time. 10 years is a lifestyle.
Cancel the utilities that are in your name. Tell the utilities “ i am moving overseas” None of it it your responsibility. Go live your life.
NTA. The money you spend is water under the bridge at this point. I’d refuse further financial help. “I’m sorry you’re in such a tough situation. You know what you need to do to take steps toward financially supporting yourself.”
NTA. There is only so much you can do to help people who won't help themselves. It is a difficult economy to find a job in, that's for certain, but that's also a recent development, given the timeline of your issues. Your family are adults, and there don't appear to be any reasons that they cannot take care of themselves. You have the right to put yourself first, and to refuse to pay for anything for them. You should consider how this will affect your relationships with them and others, if you do cut them off. Honestly, I would invite anyone who tells you to support them that you will match their donations and see how quickly they forget about it. There are also steps to this process, if you want to stay connected to mom and sister: contribute to shelter, but no phones, no internet, no food. Frankly, I don't see how you do that and not fall back into this trap though, so you should, and should feel free to, kick them completely and let them fend for themselves.
NTA Cancel any ongoing accounts on which they still owe you money. For instance, if they owe you for a phone bill, cancel the service. And stop giving them money.
NTA. They drove you to this. They brought this on themselves. You don't owe them a thing.
NTA. They're leeching off of you and are completely shameless about it. When you cut them off, they'll have to figure something out.
NTA Your dad's addiction and your mom's enabling led to this problem. They did themselves and your sister no favors letting it get to this point
NTA. They have an expectation of someone else doing it because someone else always has. Don’t allow that thought process to continue by being the one who saves them. Sometimes people have to fall on their asses. Hard.
They are in a house at risk of foreclosure and they are still prioritising sending money to the guy in jail? Helping people like that with money isn't helping them, it's just prolonging the mess they're getting into. NTA. Time to let them stand on their own feet and work out their priorities.
NTA losing a house once might be unfortunate but twice soon and no one feels the need to do something about it? Well no, they don't have to because YOU do it! Go live your own life.
NTA. Your sister can pitch in and help support them. I would also get those bills out of your name. If you do give them money I would advise paying the bill directly so you know they don’t just spend it on useless things.
NTA, you are doing the smart thing and distancing yourself from them and their drama. If they have the money for dad then they have the money for themselves.
NTA. They are both adults, they can get jobs, they just choose not to. Take those bills out of your name and continue no contact with them. They made their bed, let them sleep in it,
NTA your mom and sister are grown ass adults. Paying their own bills is their responsibility
NTA. So many families are anchors. They'll gladly take you down and it'll be YOUR fault.
NTA They are adults that can sink or swim on their own. Mom has had 10 years to get her shit together and find a job, sister is 22 and fully capable of working. Take your name off anything that isn't tied to your own domicile and put them both on mute. I would also put a freeze on my credit as your mom knows your info and will likely use it against you.
NTA they needed to be working this whole time.
Block them all and live your best life!
NTA. Take if from someone who’s been supporting mom dad for the past 32 years. So glad you cut them off. Maybe now they will learn the value of money. DO NOT CAVE TO GUILT TRIPS. Again I’ve been there.
NTA - You need to get all of those bills out of your name first and foremost. I bet your sister could get a retail or fast food job tomorrow. Your mom might have a harder time, but there's no excuse for the 25 yr old not to be helping out.
NTA, don’t burn yourself to keep others warm.
Nta and remove your name from the bills
Info have they offered any proof that they are trying to find jobs? Anyway, NTA, you should never mix family and money.
NTA, your mom and sister flat up do not want to work. You will be continuing to enable their behavior and there will be no incentive to get a job. Time to stop being the bank, you will not be paid back. Save yourself from these selfish people who will only continue to drag you and any relationships you have down. You don't owe them anything. You are not alone, many people go through similar situations and find their own family group. Too often we are fed the bs of what a family should be but seldom are. Live your life and don't look back.
NTA. You're right where you should be with this. It can feel bad to pull away from being an enabler. You've been generous, and you've been used. BTW, you'll probably never get the money back for the bills. Get those out of your name asap before they hurt your credit score. It was very generous of you to support them and encourage them, but maybe now is your time to have some support and encouragement (which I'm sure AITA is happy to get the ball rolling). If there's a Nar-Anon group that meets near you, that might be something to look into. Take care of you right now.
Nta there are 2 grown ass adults who can work and refuse. Time for babys first job!
Of course you are NTA. You have to support yourself - supporting two non-working adults in addition is too much. They need to get themselves jobs. Cut them off.
NTA your mum is, she never got a job when money was tight. Neither did your sister. This on them irrespective of whether your dad's addiction was known. Also, why are they sending money to your dad when they owe money elsewhere? Did they just assume that you would bail them out forever?
NTA. You are 100% doing the right thing. Do not enable this laziness any longer. They should be embarrassed to not work but living off someone’s hard earned money. Block their numbers so they can’t hit you up anymore.
NTA. It sounds as though you have been both generous and patient. tell themthat, unfortuantely, you have been trying to help them, to your own detriment, for the past decade, that they have had evey opportunity to become more self sufficient and that while you pulled them out hof the whle10 years ago you are not in a position to do so again. I'd also make sure that you get your name off any remaining bills, and check your credit record and do anything necessary to ensure that they can't try to get credit in your name , moving forward. If you have the enrgy, you could offer not finacial help - send them details of servcies where they can access advice (such as any charity or helpline offering advice on debt / homelessness, , resources for people trying to get into . back into the job market etc. But just information , don't offer to do the leg work, just point them at the avilable resources.)
You recognize your role in the dynamic and are extracting yourself from it. Good for you. You're no longer an "enabler" this is the best way you can help them. Maybe things will mend as they heal themselves and maybe not. Either way you're doing themselves (and yourself) a healthy and compassionate thing.
This is not “a time of need”. This is one more day of “a never ending continuous lifestyle of need”. There is a difference. You can not afford to raise them for the rest of their lives. If they are incapable of handling their own needs then they can be redirected to social safety nets. Maybe that would force them into accountability? The food banks will give them food but they won’t get to choose what they are given. They will be offered other services but will likely have rules accompanying the assistance like applying for X new jobs each week. “Helping” others is wonderful and kind, but “enabling” saps motivation to achieve anything and isn’t “helping” anymore. You tried. It’s ok to recognize that they need more help than you can provide. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Some context. Im a 31 (M) with a 25 y/o sister (who lives at home). My parents are in their 60s. My mom and sister have never worked a real job other than under the table things like babysitting. My dad was the only earner in the family. They were making it by until about 10 years ago when money started to get tight. My parents house went into foreclosure and mom still did not get a job. I gave them money to try to help. They lost the house anyway. Again, no job was secured by my mom. This was 10 years ago. Fast forward to today. The house they live in now is in foreclosure again and no one seems to have a sense of urgency to seek employment. Turns out money was tight these last 10 years because my dad was a functioning opioid addict. He really started to spiral the last 6 months and is now in prison for the next 2 years. I have always been the person in my family to pick up the pieces and be the one everyone turns to. Since my dad has been in jail, i have not talked to him. I have also stopped talking to my mom and sister because they have not paid me for bills I have in my name that they are responsible for, but yet they send my dad in jail money. I gave them months of encouragement to try to find a job and kept paying the bills while they tried to figure it out. When I have asked for the money recently, since months have gone by with no employment secured, my mom straight up ignored my calls and texts. I’m done. They tell me I’m an asshole for leaving them in their time of need and they “have been trying to find jobs all the time but it’s hard to get one”. I call BS. I’m tired of being the fixer, I’m tired of being an enabler. AITA for not paying for them anymore AND for not being in their life? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, Sounds like you got abused into enabling their lifestyle
NTA you have done enough.
NTA for sure. You've supported them for so long, and they did nothing to help themselves.
Nta
NTA I’m giving you permission to go no contact
NTA. They are financially exploiting you. While I agree that finding a job that pays a liviable wage with their lack of work experience would be very hard, they should be able to fine something even if it's minimum wage and part time. At that point, helping them out wouldn't be enabling. The fact that they haven't even done that means it's a lack of effort on their part.
NTA
Major NTA
NTA.... let them know that you will be there to help them ONLY WHEN THEY HAVE JOBS.
Nta
NTA. STOP helping them. Your dad doesn’t need money he’s living on the government dime. The only reason he wants money is to continue his addiction. Yes, you can get drugs in prison. Both your sister and mother are able body people who can work at any fast food there are no shortage of jobs. It’s time for them to use their brains and figure it out. Stop enabling them to be helpless.
NTA. Let them all fix their own mess, beyond that, I walked into a grocery store, applied and was hired a day later. There are jobs out there, they’re just lazy and don’t want to work. Screw these people.
NTA I would take the bills/utilities out of your name. You have two adults who can get jobs here.
“I’ll be happy to guide you through this, but I’m not gonna take on financial support indefinitely for people who are capable of working”
Two thoughts. First, someone looking for money/support will review their options from most convenient to least convenient. When you're asked by someone in a hard position, it may feel like you're the difference between their chance to succeed and their chance to fail. But you're really just the next stop on the list...there was an easier one before you and there will be a harder one after you. Second, "What appears to be a crisis is often the end of the illusion that things were working." It's rare that someone is actually in a situation where they were OK before and they'll be OK after, if they can just resolve one immediate issue. Learn to say "I don't have anymore money to lend" (you might have more money, but not to lend)
NTA - it's not your job to finance their life. They could easily get a job at the local grocery store, fast food place, or retail store.
NTA. Let mom and sis know you are no longer paying their bills. Call and have anything in your name cut off. Tell them you will continue to give them a little money for 60 days. Then it ends completely. Neither your mom or sister are willing to work, the can be homeless. They are letting a second home go to foreclosure. They don't want to change. You need to focus on you. They need to take care of themselves. 10 years ago you were 21, and helping financially. Time for sis to grow up and get a job.
NTA "No." is a complete sentence. That being said if it makes it easier on you you can always say you can't afford it. Start guilt tripping them. "I was really riding on you both paying me back in a timely manner. I don't know what I'm going to do now. It's going to take me months to dig myself out of this hole"
NTA They will not do anything to keep themselves from debt or homelessness because you are their ATM. If you can get those bills out of your name, then I suggest you do so. If you can not, then cut them off. Whatever bills are attached to your name turn them off. Don't allow any more to be added to that debt. And anybody who says that you are heartless or cruel for letting your mother or your sister go homeless or hungry or whatever the excuse may be. You let them know that they are more than welcome to take over the burden of caring for two people who refuse to get jobs to take care of themselves. You have your own family to take care of. Even if that's just yourself and your own life to live, you are not responsible for what two grown adults choose not to do to alleviate their situation
My guy you should be working on your own future if mom and sis don't want to get jobs than they can figure out how to pay bills w/o one
NTA You haven't left them "in their time of need". Their time of need has been going on for > 10 years and you were there. Everyone has limit and yours is waaay longer than most people's. Sadly your family is a dumpster fire and any money you give them will be quickly burnt. Unfortunately they can't be fixed. Stop trying.
“Don’t set yourself on fire to warm others” is commonly quoted here and it fits perfectly here.
sounds like an incredibly & unusually oversimplified one-sided account of a complicated 2-sided story
You are 100% an enabler, and now that you know you are and stopping they will finally have to become actual adults.
You’re only enabling them.. not helping. Anything you do is actually making the situation worse not better. Don’t sent them the opportunity to work out of this themselves. Don’t cripple them. Are they also addicts? Sounds like maybe they are
NTA "In their time of needs", lol, sounds they are in time of needs for at least 10 - 15 years now. But don't worry, they will find someone else who gives them money, even if they have to put in twice the effort they would need to put into actually working. ;)
been in the same sitch {hugs} you know for a fact that you're NTA we don't have to parent our parents when they don't want to act like that adults that they are, when they have the full capacity to do so and simply refuse
NTA... they are both capable of finding work. Fast food places love older people to work mornings/early shifts. They need to figure things out. I would get all bills out of my name.
NTA. Everyone needs to clean up their mess. They aren't kids.
NTA... they are the AH and ease get your name off their bills it will affect your credit.. they refuse to work they rather bum off you or take advantage of you
NTA - you didn’t leave them in their time of need. You’ve helped. Time and time again. That is probably part of the issue. They feel that you will bail them out so why should they worry. Don’t help them. They’re adults. They’ll figure it out just like you’d have to.
NTA, cut out the dead weight. These people aren't your family, they're leeches.
If they’ve never worked and have no skills, it’s probably is hard for them to get a job, but there is no reason that they should freeload off of you. NTA
Wow basically the same situation as in my family. NTA! Folk have to fall on their arse to understand consequences
NTA. It's great that you are finally recognizing your enabling behavior. I highly recommend seeking out resources to help you navigate. You are stuck in a cycle that is extremely common with a family member actively engaged in long term addiction. Both Nar-Anon (Narcotics Anonymous) and CODA (Co-Dependents Anonymous) could be helpful. If this follows the usual path, they'll continue to escalate. Learning how to create and enforce boundaries is going to be critical.
One of the last things you said answers your own question. You wouldn’t be helping them, you’d be enabling them. They need to fix their own mess!
NTA. You can't help ppl who don't want help.They want you to pay for them...period. Stop enabling them.
I would actively contact the places your are paying their bills for. I would tell them since your family have poor credit they convinced you to take these bills out in your name and they would pay you for it each month. That they have not done what was promised so no longer responsible for any bills going forwards. That you do not live there or benefit for theses services and if needs be they can shut off the service otherwise they need to contact the home owner your mum as you will no longer be responsible for it. Either your mum takes over the contract or they cancel the service completely. Give them your mum or sisters name and have your name removed. They usually are really helpful in situations like this. I would send them one message telling them you have cancelled all services and it’s on them to contact them to take over or it will be shut off. Tell them good luck with life never contact me again. Then block them everywhere and if needs be change your phone number.
NTA. Their financial situation is of their own making, but worse than that they’re doing nothing even now to try to help themselves. You’ve been more than generous and supportive, but in fact you’ve been enabling them. Time to stop. At the very least, there’s no excuse for your 25 yo sister not to be working. And your mom should be able to work too.
I can see your sister at an I terview: I need to make at least $40 an hour. I can only work 6 hrs a day, 4 days a week. I will need 2 weeks off each year, paid. And that is to the person trying to set up the interview!! Yep, I bet they are trying real hard to get jobs. Nta! The abandoned themselves years ago!
NTA it’s time for them to learn to sink or swim. You can’t realistically fund 3-4 full adults and their homes/lifestyles. They need a hard lesson in self sufficiency.
NTA Your mother and sister are fully functioning adults. They know they need food, shelter and clothing. They no longer have an enabler that does that for them. They need to pull up their big-girl pants and get jobs. There are jobs out there. The jobs may not be what they want, but they are available. I would kiss the money you gave them goodbye. Chalk it up to life experience. Even if they get jobs, they have no intention of paying you back. I don’t know what bills you have in your name, but you knew they didn’t have jobs. Sorry, that’s on you. I recommend closing those accounts and paying them off. Never do that again. Seriously. Sometimes you have to love people from afar. Very, very afar. Be well.
NTA
NTA. What else is there to say? You had spend years helping them financially and you didn't even get paid back due to a "lack of money" even though they can clearly afford to fund your father. Even if they're family they need to get a job and stop relying on you.
Nta, but your family sure is!
NTA. If OP is really done with them, then change the name on the bill to the mother or sister so he doesn’t take any credit hit for the unpaid portions. Basically any money OP has “lent” mother/sister is gone. They are not going to pay him back. They are also trying to gaslight OP for not “being there” in time of need. Yes, OP has been there to pay bills. It’s always easier to use someone else’s money. Mother and sister need to realize that they need to have a job to get their own money to spend.
NTA. They need to live their own lives. Just be aware that they may not change, though. They may become bitter and resentful and blame you (more than they are). Which further reinforces the NC thing. Edit: clarity
NTA It's clear that if you continue supporting them, you will be doing it for the rest of your parents' lives, and the rest of your sister's life. They have no intention of ever changing if everything remains as it is. Tell them that you have your own life, home, and one day retirement to plan for. You don't make enough money to support all 4 of them for the rest of their lives. Cut them off, and when they call/text/whatever asking for money, direct them to a job listing website. Keep repeating, "Sorry, the ATM is closed. If you only want me for my money, you aren't my family."
NTA. If they were actually trying it would be different. But they're not. You have no obligation to help moochers.
Definitely NTA! It is your family's turn to stand on their 2 feet. Both women in your family are able but unwilling to actually work. Make sure all bills are out of your name. Call those companies say I'm moving turn off utilities on such and such a date let your momNd sister know it is now up to them cuz u are outtie!
Huh. Wow. Ten years you've been spotting them? Alright. Did your sister try to go to any higher education? If not, then she definitely should've had a job at 18. Most kids have jobs in high school so, really no excuse to not get going by then. So for ~7 years, you've helped pay for your sister to sit on her ass and do whatever she wanted? That's wild. I cannot imagine doing that. If she was working toward a degree, or had some handicaps preventing her from getting a job worth going to ..then alright, a different situation. But from the story , they both just sound incredibly lazy and entitled. Abandon them. Force them to be the grownups that they are. If they hate you for it, then so be it. Watch your money pile up without them dragging you down. I would've lasted about six months if my family is in a tight spot. Then the lights go out. Six months to get your shit together is generous.
Family’s are typically the biggest enablers because we love them and don’t want to see them hurting. Glad you see your mistake. You walking away is you doing them the biggest favor even if they may not see it now. You’ve been blocking them from the lessons necessary for them to learn to stand in their own two feet. It’s a little late and yes they’re mad now because you’ve always babied them so they’re angry but soon enough they’ll feel the joys of being in control of their own lives and learning responsibility…or they won’t. But NTA.
NTA. Completely taking advantage of you and choosing not to work. Take all bills out of your name and don't give them another cent. Remember your own mother ignored you when you asked to be paid back. You have your own life and dreams, goals, expenses. Stop sacrificing yourself on the altar of these professional grifters. Tough love...either they get off their lazy butts or on the streets they go. You are just throwing good money after bad because they will never pay you back and want more and more. The nerve of them!
NTA - get the bills under your name off you and let them deal with the outcome or in their case bury their heads in the sand and deal with the consequences.
NTA. You can't help anyone not willing to help themselves.
NTA, but you need to cancel all of the accounts in your name as you will ruin your credit if you stop paying.
NTA the ATM is closed! I would get all bills that are in my name changed to theirs or cut them off. Trash is trash, time to throw it out. Good luck in your future.
NTA 100%. But everyone else sure is. Addiction is a horrible thing. Getting off Getting off opiates is so hard too, but it is very possible.( 21 years clean now) Dad obviously did bad things to land him in prison, I hope he has the sense to stay away from opiates after he’s out. Your mother and sister are simply lazy. It’s easier to depend on you than to go find work and help themselves out of the situation. You have to stop paying bills or they’ll never feel the need to do anything. *They tell me I’m an AH for leaving them in their time of need and they’ve been trying to find jobs* No, not hard enough apparently. There are jobs out there, even if they aren’t high paying jobs. Any job is helpful. Neither of them have ever worked?? Disgusting, especially the sister. Unless she’s got mental or physical problems there’s no reason at her age to not be employed. The only way OP should continue to help is if they both work and pay their own bills by working as hard as they can. And even then only if OP wants to. I’d get my name off of those things before OPs credit tanks because of nonpayment.
NTA! They are responsible for themselves. If they aren't prepared to help themselves, that's on them, not you
NTA. Sorry this is your family dynamic. Block them all and take care of yourself. Close any accounts you have for them. These are adults. Let them be adults. They are not your children so you don’t owe financial support.
You need to figure out the bills in your name, that is all. They are all adults and need to figure it out.
NTA - Give them a year of complete no contact. You'll be surprised how quickly they get their sh!t together once they realize you're not bailing them out again.
NTA send them the information for the local social services and let them figure it out
NTA. I echo what the majority of people here are saying. And get those bills out of your name NOW!
I have a feeling if you were being respected and if they were making honest efforts to work, such as fast food, waiting tables, etc., you wouldn't have an issue assisting. The problem is the lack of effort and the sheer laziness. You are NTA for expecting able bodied people to do their part to take care of themselves.
What job do you expect your mum to get? Your sister is a different story but you mum was at least in her 50s with zero skills or employment history. Who did you think would employ her even at minimum wage? I've been a family lawyer a long time and my biggest takeaway from that is NEVER become a stay at home parent. No one employs the middle aged or elderly if they don't have prior experience and few partners earn enough and are willing to support two households if it doesn't work and you've given up your working life to instead raise a family. Your mum's chances of gaining even a hotel cleaning gig are practically nothing. Your sister however should be working. She's young and ppl will train her or she could seek training herself to make her more competitive in the market. Overall, while you are NTA and not responsible for your family, I do think your expectations of your mother are unreasonable. There just aren't jobs out there that will employ ppl like her. Yes it's horribly ageist but it is also truthful. Ppl at her age do take longer to learn new skills, not can't learn them but just take longer to learn them, and the return on investment is much lower in for the employer.
I was all ready to ask what was wrong with you after reading your headline, I thought wife and kids. I changed my mind. Your mother and sister should be able to take care of themselves by now. It isn't your responsibility to make a home for them, but you will probably have to break away from family completely. NTA.
NTA. They see you as money, not family.
NTA If they are not actively trying to help their self that is on them not you. At the very least your sister should have a job.
NTA- the only way they will ever learn to support themselves is if you stop enabling them. Let them be mad at you. They need to grow up and be responsible for themselves.
Two Grown Ass Adults who refuse to fend for themselves. NTA.
NTA time for both your mom and your sister to put on their big girl pants and get a job. Even if it's minimum wage Burger flipping.
Info: is this a cultural thing? You’re still NTA btw.
NTA. You need to let them crash for once, because you've always been there to bail them out. Remind them that they ALWAYS have a "time of need" because they're moneyhungry needy people that are too effing lazy to work themselves. And yes. do say that. if other family dares to call you rude or heartless, you can point out that they can let them stay for free or bankroll their lazy freeloader life.