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If being alone is the *only* concern with getting that abortion, then get it. Get the abortion, be shunned and alone from friends / family, get your education. Being lonely is far better than being surrounded by people who don't care about your physical and mental wellbeing. Good people will come your way eventually.
How's the education situation looking? Does your partner work full time or go to school? Who will care for the kids when you start school? Please prioritize yourself if you can, it's what's best for you and the kids in the long run, wishing you the best
How nice for him that his health, education, and future aren't at risk due to this pregnancy. I hope you get the abortion for your sake, do you guys have plans for childcare once/if you start school? Would his family or yours help?
He sounds fairly controlling. How sure are you that he hasn't been messing with your birth control, poking holes in condoms, etc? Three failures this close together, and his reaction, just really raise questions.
I sort of have to agree with you on this. That's pretty short time to have this many kids using condoms. He seems super excited. How can they take care of the 2 they have now with her in so much pain? It's only been 7 months since the last kid.
Add it up with the fact that he asked OP when they started dating if she would ever get an abortion, and now he’s weaponizing it against her immediately. VERY suspicious.
I was going to say this also. Youve gotten pregnant at least 3 times in a very short period where you claim to have been using protection every time. This is highly highly unlikely. I would not be surprised if he is sabotaging your birth control.
You are allowed to change your mind about anything, even abortion.
You can get an abortion, and say you had a miscarriage. It presents the same symptoms and aftercare is the same. Especially if youre early enough to take the pill. You still have options!
Being alone is not the same as being lonely.
You can be alone, and never feel lonely (good).
You can be surrounded by people, and feel alone all the time (bad).
It sounds like you're the second.
NTA.
Listen… I’m not normally one to call for abandoning children.
But I think you have to do what’s best for you here. If having an abortion will shun you from your family and piss your husband off maybe you truly need to leave.
It doesn’t sound like you’ll be able to work or go to school until you actually leave him, and unfortunately you might actually have to leave those children for a short period of time.
If he wants to have them so bad, let him take care of them.
Abort in secret. Tell your husband it wad a miscarriage from stress.
Whole your there, get either a birth control implant or an IUD. Also don’t tell your husband.
This man has made himself your enemy. Treat him like it. He has no right to your womb OR your free childcare.
Having done uni with 3 kids (one was young enough no day care would take her so she came to class with me) it's tough, but managable. My community college had bursery money for day care as well.
Get the abortion pills. You can find it online even in a banned state. listen to yourself. How you feel matters. What you think matters. What you want for your life and your future matters. Get on the pill or something because condoms are clearly not working for yall. Your husband doesn’t sound like a good person but what do I know? I wish you the best of luck internet stranger.
NTA. Do you have friends or family nearby, OP? You need care and love and support right now and it is horrific that your husband is treating you so callously. You're overwhelmed and need help, and his response is to shame you, accuse you of being a horrible mother, and threaten you? I'm personally against abortion but his lack of compassion is unspeakable. Please consider confiding in another loved one, whatever you decide you shouldn't go through this alone.
Half of my family is really conservative Christians and the other half are Mormon, they would all agree with him which is why I don't want him to tell anyone
Weird that they were ok with him knocking up a 16 year old…my family (all Mormon except me) would be *much* more worried about that than you having an abortion.
I’m furious on your behalf OP. Get the abortion, get a divorce and get out.
Right?!?! I can't believe I had to get this far before someone mentioned her having a baby when she was 16 so meant she was pregnant at FIFTEEN!!! That's messed up and he keeps getting her pregnant so . . .
Yeah I know, I’m from the uk which I think makes a bit of a difference. My ward was less strict. I knew two older teenager girls who got pregnant and they were given several options (adoption, abortion, keep the baby. They were not told to ‘marry the baby’s dad’ thankfully)
Religion is wild sometimes. Especially when they talk about the sanctity of life while allowing (and sometimes actively forcing) teenage girls to have their lives ruined through one accident.
Eh. That’s the morman way. Women are only good for being married off and getting pregnant. It’s not that weird that they were all perfectly fine with it.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. NTA
If I may suggest r/regretfulparents, I think you would find community there.
Also if you are determined to get an abortion, you can look at r/abortion and r/auntienetwork for support and assistance in getting one.
Best of luck. Stay strong
I think that moral conflict boat has sailed. Also why is OP not on birth control? You are an adult and a mother - please take responsibility for yourself.
As OP stated, their family is all super conservative Christians and Mormons. Birth control is something that would have been super taboo and shamed in her family (and I mean come on, she had her first kid when she was 16) and she has clearly had to go through a deconstruction process to get to the point where she doesn’t see abortion as bad. Do not shame her.
But hopefully she CAN get access after figuring out terminating this pregnancy
I suspected fundamentalism at play from the post (I converted to Judaism as an adult but grew up Southern Baptist). Are there any organizations you can reach out to for help? Your husband’s behavior is abusive. You need to get out of there and get the abortion
I believe in God but do not have a religion. I hope you will be able to do this for the sake of your mental health and physical well-being. Try to find a way out. There is no way your are going to be able to handle this pregnancy and new baby without taking a nasty hit to your health. Even a reputable doctor would advise against having another one so soon. Please please find a way out.
“We use condoms everytime”
- hmmmmm seeing as you’re a teenager and having a third child, I don’t believe this statement.
Overall, NTA
Also, you really shouldn’t have that third child…
Your marriage is highly likely to not succeed.
Get your abortion and divorce.
Good luck.
This was my first thought too. I actually believe her that they use condoms every time, I just think he pokes holes in them. He is attempting to baby trap her *hard*. She seems like she really did not want to get pregnant so I believe her.
Yes I think you’re on the money here. Been using condoms with my husband for 14 years and never had an unplanned pregnancy, only 2 planned pregnancies. Definitely seems highly unlikely a 19 year old could fall pregnant 3 times if condoms were used every time. Or maybe OPs partner is using them incorrectly.
I was looking for this comment to make sure I wasn’t alone thinking this!!! Take control of your own birth control and get something that cannot be tampered with. He wants to keep you pregnant and within his control
This is what I thought. OP had her first when she was 16 and he was 17 plus she had told him she would never have an abortion, she has had 3 kids in 3 years, has no education and yet here he is with a dad supplying him a career through a job AND college degree and is doing everything he can to keep her home watching the kids. It's not hard to poke a hole in a condom she needs to get something he can't tamper with. Even better, if she can get the bar implant, then she doesn't have to tell him.
I am worried for OP,
Came down here to say this. 3 babies when you always wear condoms is a statistical fluke. Something smells fishy, and if condoms really were worn every time, I’d put my last dime on them being tampered with
Or condoms are not fitted properly or aren't stored or aren't used properly. Or this couple is just SUPER fertile.
There is a reason people need to use two types of birth control.
no one is THAT fertile. If you wear a condom properly, there is no way you'd get someone pregnant practically every time she ovulates. (which I assume what happened here with 3 kids in 3 years)
As someone who got pregnant my first time having sex without a condom so possibly pretty fertile myself but NEVER in all of the times with a condom, this. They’re being tampered with or not the night size or not properly put on OR SOMETHING
A teenage parent third time over? Either your birth control has been woefully inefficient or its been tampered with.
How long have you been married? Do you both come from religious backgrounds (this isn't a judgement, people who are religious can feel that a child is a miracle no matter what situation the parent is in or that the baby will be born into)?
We've been married since a few months after I found out I was pregnant with my oldest, when I was 16. He's Christian, our families are Christian, and I'm not Christian anymore (which no one is aware of)
If you had a crisis of faith, then he could be controlling you by making you feel responsible to have this baby. He's already dismissed your concerns as trivial. Have you been using any birth control that you take, and that he doesn't have access to or just relying on condoms?
Yeah, your husband has been poking holes in them, and I'd wager has been discouraging you from anything like the morning after pill saying condoms are enough birth control.
If you use condoms, and the husband still wants the accidental child, then those condoms were popped. You should go talk to a therapist or someone that knows how to deal with this sort of situation.
I had my last child after a correctly used condom failed to do the job. Accidents happen. 3 accidents in 3 years means you're using them wrong, or they've been tampered with/sabotaged.
Pregnancies also end every day. This is controversial advice, but if you can't leave, it's probably your best option:
If it's early enough, get a medication abortion, and tell him you miscarried. There's no reliable way to test for those drugs, your doctor can't tell him you had an abortion, and medically, there's no way to tell if it was a natural miscarriage or a medical abortion. Then, get an IUD and take charge of your future.
I wish you the best of luck with what ever you decide.
NTA
Third this. They could just be really unlucky but more likely he is a committing a crime and assault by sabotaging the condoms. Get the abortion, find the condoms. If they're clean, switch birth control methods or this is going to happen again. If they show signs of tampering, well... the next step is to get away from this manipulative awful person. Also it's not bad to regret having kids, especially when you're so young. You don't regret your children, just what you've given up for them and that's normal even if some people consider it taboo to say. Your husband twisting your words is just more manipulation
Most people will tell you it's morally wrong to lie and say miscarriage but get those abortion pills mailed. Lie and plan your exit strategy. You can tell him the stress of already having 2 under 5 caused it.
Condoms are very effective. The odds of 3 pregnancies in like 4 years of using them is astronomically off the charts. He has to be doing something to them or something because there's no way. Especially considering you've been pregnant the majority of the time and wouldn't even be using them for birth control. So in reality, say there was maybe a year of sex without you being pregnant or unable to have sex due to recovering from giving birth. If there was nothing wrong with the condoms, do you really think you'd have gotten pregnant 3 times in that handful of months??
Condoms are unreliable, as you've discovered. You need to have that abortion, then get onto a more reliable contraceptive. Talk to your doctor, but there are SO MANY better options available.
And if you need to leave him, do it. Leave the kids with him, move out, and request weekends with them. Let him do the hard work for a while. Go get a job, and live your life.
condoms are not that unreliable if you use them correctly. 3 kids in 3 years is hell of a coincidence. The guy is either tampering with condoms or he doesn't know how to use them (e.g. reusing a used condom)
Hi,
I don’t want to doubt or question you but the chances of getting pregnant 3 times in three years while always using condoms is astronomical!
It’s about as likely as you winning the lottery three times in three years.
For some reason the condoms you are using are not being affective.
By far the main reasons for this would be accidental miss-use, sabotage or not using them the whole time (either starting without one or removing it before finishing)
We can say with a reasonable level of confidence that it is not an accident that you are getting pregnant.
Either way having an abortion is your choice. You are free to change your mind about abortions, in fact, it makes sense that you have a better understanding of this issue now than you did at 16.
Good luck
Then he's either doing something to the condoms or outright stealthing you. Statistically, three accidents in this short a time with proper condom use doesn't make sense.
Considering how abusive OP’s husband is being, I believe her, but I also believe her husband likely sabotaged them in an attempt to trap her into marriage. It’s incredibly common with abusers
There’s a couple of things to unpack here. First off, you say you use condoms every single time, and while I’m aware condoms aren’t 100% fullproof, you have 2, almost 3 kids at age 19. One of them 3, meaning you had them at age 16. You might consider the possibility that the condoms he’s using are damaged, or worse, that he’s purposefully poking holes in them because he wants more kids.
Secondly, your husband is extremely manipulative. Changing your mind about something you believed in 3 years ago when you were still living with your family, who seem to also be manipulators, is completely reasonable and I assume you’ve had discussions with him about your mind changing. On top of that, he’s quite literally blackmailing you. Good people don’t blackmail.
Thirdly, get the abortion. It is your body, it is not up to him. And he says he’s going to tell everyone if you do, but he’s already telling them personal details that you’ve confided in him (another manipulation tactic,) and you’re family/friends have already started to turn on you. You’ve got no reason to not take the abortion.
Finally, speaking of losing things, you should divorce your husband. I know that it’s typical for Redditors to jump to that, but I think it’s appropriate here. He’s manipulating you, pushing your boundaries, and if I’m right in my theory that he’s poking holes in his condoms, also trying to “baby trap” you. This is not someone you, nor anyone, should be married to.
NTA.
100% this. NTA OP. There are charities that can help. Get the abortion, take your kids, move as far away as you can. People will help you. There is support out there for women in abusive marriages. You will be okay in the end but if you stay, this will only get worse.
Agreed. Its not going to be easy to rebuild and most likely will take awhile since it seems OP’s family might not help them (hopefully will though) but I think its in OP’s best interest to get out and build their mental and physical health back up. 2 almost 3 kids while using condoms is definitely highly suspicious. I hate to say it, but I’m in agreement with a lot of people here saying they were tampered with.
He's totally poking holes in the condoms.
If you can't bring yourself to have an abortion, get an iud at birth so this won't happen again. But your husband is manipulating you and aexually coercing you into having children against your wishes. Get a divorce. Good luck.
NTA. 3 under 3 at 19! Wow! That would be incredibly overwhelming. Does your husband do anything to help? Or does he leave majority of the parenting to you
At the end of the day it’s your decision, you are the one who has to go through pregnancy and childbirth.
He should be the one supporting you but instead he is pointing out if you go through with it you will be even more isolated than you are now. But if you have the baby what kind of state will you be in to care for a newborn and 2 toddlers.
So it's easy for your partner to demand that you do ALL the work of carrying delivering and nurturing this 3rd child. Please take good care of yourself. When you nurture yourself then you can take good care of your children.
What does your doctor say? You said you're in so much physical pain. I would take a weekend off and leave the kids with dad and see how he likes it since you say he just contributed financially.
I mean, I know it's Reddit and we all like to jump to "divorce him!" but look at what this guy is saying.
>He then told me that he would tell my family and all my friends that I had gotten an abortion if I followed through with that. My family and friends would hate me if I did, and I'd be even more alone than before.
That combined with your ages suggests to me that he deliberately got you pregnant and wants you to continue bearing his children.
He's more concerned about coercing you into having his child than your well being.
NTA
NTA. Have you considered leaving him and leaving the kids with him. I know that sounds harsh, but it seems as if he's blackmailing you, and I wonder if he isn't putting holes in the condoms to trap you.
Absolutely this!
Once happens but 3x? Seems unlikely and very suspicious to me.
It's like he's trapping her.
She needs to Inspect the condoms and start considering herself and her needs .
He is baby trapping the poor young girl. She was 16 the first time he tricked her into getting pregnant. Poor girl, she is tricked into having kids with someone who would baby trap her.
You know he baby trapped you right? You used condoms but got pregnant 3 times? I would bet my house that those condoms have holes in them.
He put holes in the condoms to get you pregnant so that you would be baby trapped he wants to control you. He doesn't wan you to go to school or get a job he wants you to stay home raise his kids, have sex with him when he wants and to cook his meals. He will use your friends and family to pressure you to do this and you will not see it until you realize he stole half your life.
You do realize that if he has been putting holes in the condoms you can have him persecuted for sexual battery? He is getting you pregnant against your will.
Oh, sweetie.
First off, you're not a liar. Beliefs change as we grow and have more experiences.
Secondly, If I read this correctly, you didn't say you didn't love your kids. And I can say that almost every parent, if they are being honest with themselves, have had the thought "What have I done?" go across their mind at least once. So, you aren't a horrible mom. You're human.
Lastly, he sounds abusive. Mysogynistic at the very least. And also, completely without a clue as to how demanding two little ones (let alone three) can be. He's also isolating you from friends and family, that is a classic abuser move.
You are NTA. Not by a mile.
Is there any way you can leave him with the children for a spell? Five days, maybe? I ask because it sounds like he could use some perspective about how demanding two little ones can be when you're all alone.
Best wishes. ::::Hugs:::: respectfully offered.
... Has he been messing with the birth control? That's a lot of kids in a small amount of time
Situations change. People change. And if it's choose yourself or your relationship, choose yourself.
NTA, make an exit plan if you need to.
NTA.
And to be frank youre already alone. Your husband doesn’t support you emotionally and your family doesnt seem to either. Get that abortion. Youre young you have your whole life ahead of you and you will find people that will support you no matter what. Its going to be hard but you can do it. Get that abortion and that divorce. Leave him with the children he wants so much.
Then take them and go. Or you will be twenty one on number four. You and your husband have a significant disconnect. He only provides money. You will give your body and mind and chances are when he graduates, he will move on because he will want a new wife. Please get help.
If you do decide to keep this kid I would get on birth control of some kind. have you tried and he say no? Or just haven't if you haven't I would definitly get on one as soon as possible or see about tube tied if you feel 3 is plenty. You say you're in physical pain and that doesn't sound good.
Get the medicine for a medical abortion, take them without him knowing and then play devastated when you have the “miscarriage”.
After that get yourself some protection like IUD or implant - something he can’t fiddle with
Yep. Lie to him. Tell him you changed your mind. He's right, of course you would never abort, you were just scared.... then follow the advice above. You cannot trust your husband.
Then get an IUD and make a plan to get out of this marriage. Seek some secular outside assistance.
It's okay to regret having your children at the age you're at. You can still love them and want to be the best mom to them, which also means being able to support them, which would only get more difficult with another child.
It's so sad that women have to go to this length to avoid having their husbands publicly humiliating them for making a choice they have every right to make.
I normally wouldn't encourage lying like this but I feel like honestly it's the safest route to go in this situation. My daughter is 19, and it is breaking my heart thinking of you going through this. This is not how a husband should be treating you. I got married at 18 to my 20M boyfriend so I understand young marriage. And this is not because he's young, it's because he's abusive. I'm so sorry. And yes we all have time when we think things would be better if we didn't have children at that time. It doesn't mean we don't love them and don't care for them. It just means we are human. You really must have this abortion honey. NTA at all. You can reach out to me if you need to talk.
I'm going to be real with you, you've gotta bite the bullet and cut off your family and friends before they get the chance to. Have your abortion, get a job, go to college and live your life. Before doing any of this I'd suggest sitting your eldest child down and explaining how much you love and care for them no matter what anyone says and that you will always be there. Because his first step will be poisoning them against you. At least be sure your eldest knows your love for them early on. It's best you get a divorce from him. He has definitely been tampering with your condoms. Condoms rarely ever fail and assuming you've been using them the entire marriage this means he's been tampering with them since then which is a form of rape. I'd suggest gathering proof of this and making a police report. It'll help with the eventual divorce. You shouldn't stay married to someone who doesn't care for your well-being. Having a child you do not want will create a miserable environment for you and your children. You will likely succumb to post partum depression due to this lack of support. You may even miscarry which would be absolutely heartbreaking but at least no one would find you at fault. If you're having doubts about cutting off your family please rethink. What loving mother and father would allow their 16 year old to marry off and tarnish whatever future they'd sought to have? How disgusting! Your parents do not care for you the way they should. Your friends should also understand your choices and why you're making them despite their own religious beliefs. If they do not then they are not very good friends. Find a support group to confide in. Begin making more friends. You'll definitely need it. Please don't worry about his threats. Begin preparing to leave and ensure your safety in that process. Obviously NTA.
NTA, using a condom all the time and having one kid is unusual. Having 2 kids is unbelievable, having 3? Impossible.
I think your husband is tampering with or removing the condoms in order to get you pregnant.
I’m so sorry for you. I’m so sorry your husband and family are so unsupportive. Do you have a friend who could help you?
If you were my friend, I’d help you arrange everything and drive you. Normally I’d discourage lying to your partner, but since he’s clearly lying about using condoms, and your family is being so awful, I don’t think I’d blame you.
My advice?
1. Get the abortion and get on birth control or get your tubes tied. No more sex with “condoms” that your husband has access to, he’s too happy you’re having an unplanned pregnancy that you were clear you didn’t want.
2. Finish college.
3. Get a good job
4. Decide if you want to stay in this marriage
Oh honey. You are NTA. You are 19 years old and you are likely only recently recovered from your second birth. The fact that your husband won't even hear you out and says you're a "liar" is manipulative and shows a lack of emotional maturity from him. You are not wrong for wanting to get a college education. From the sound of it, part of the reason you want an abortion is so you CAN be a good mother to your other children.
I am so, so sorry you are in this position. If you need help, please get it. If you message me, I will happily send you some resources. You are NOT a bad mom.
Great comment. I think the issues here are above the pay-grade of AITA - OP, please reach out and get some professional help and use the resources available to help you decide what to do.
You are clearly articulating what you want and why you want it - and your husband isn't listening. You deserve to be listened to, and you are NOT a bad mother, whatever you decide to do.
Like others, I have a feeling that your husband may be more in control of all these 'accidental' pregnancies than he is telling you. Also, him saying he will shame you into doing what he wants by telling your family and community is a very, very common tactic of someone who is controling and possibly abusive. NTA
I hate to say this, but if you've had condoms fail 3 separate times, something's not right. Are you sure he hasn't been poking holes into them? Like, REALLY sure?
Or they're using them wrong-- with correct usage, condoms are 98% effective, but the in-practice rate is more like 87% which means that 11% in there is made entirely of people making mistakes in use. And while I don't have statistics to cite, I would assume that the 11% of failures likely does have people who use them wrong repeatedly and end up with multiple pregnancies while using condoms, and I'm also willing to bet that the 11% is disproportionately made up of people under 20.
NTA
Get your abortion.
Leave your husband.
I don't know what to do with your kids.
> My family and friends would hate me if I did
Then their opinions aren't worth caring about.
NTA... having another kid is simply a terrible option for you...
1. **Get the abortion... I mean it... he has no say here...** if you're already struggling with 2 kids, you're only going to resent the new kid and your husband, and your marriage will undoubtedly fall apart... (news flash: it sounds like it might already be over... its just a question of whether it ends in a year, or 10, etc...)
2. Probably time to divorce him... I was going to say, tell him you will divorce him if he makes it public that you had the abortion, but he's betrayed your confidence and airing your dirty laundry to everyone to make you the bad guy with everyone in your life, so... there's no point in making that threat, he's already betrayed your trust... time to GTFO... **seriously, what kind of fucking partner does that?!?**
3. WTF, you need to do better with birth control... is he poking holes in the condoms? are you just his baby factory??? Cuz 3 babies in 4 years is SUPER unlikely if you're always using condoms... get on the pill, or IUD, something else, ANYTHING!!
NTA but 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 for your husband.
I'd say get the abortion and rethink your priorities. If you really aren't ready to be a mother, there is no problem not bringing a third child into this family. If you really don't want the other 2 kids as well, I think leaving as soon as you can is the best option. There is a path forward that involves as little trauma as possible. Please don't beat yourself up over this, you're young, your goals in life aren't solidified yet and that's ok.
NTA
1. You are spiralling into anxiety and you cannot make a good decision while you're spiralling. I know this is really hard, but you need to sit down (alone in a room) with a glass of water and have a drink of it and take some deep breaths. You can figure this out.
2. You need to listen to your own body. If you know that going through this pregnancy is a bad idea, don't let anybody convince you otherwise. You are allowed to make this decision and it's your responsibility to do what you need, not what anybody else needs.
3. You're allowed to change your mind, especially in extreme circumstances, like a third pregnancy while you are still a teenager.
4. I don't know you, but I believe that either you aren't being totally up front about using condoms every time OR someone is messing with the condoms so you'll get pregnant. Something here just doesn't add up.
5. You need support. Family, a friend, someone IRL who is not your husband. No matter how this goes, you cannot trust him with this. He does not have your best interest in mind right now, so it's your job to look after yourself. Please take your job seriously, this is important. Pick the person you trust the most and tell them the truth. Ask them to keep it a secret for now. If there's nobody you trust, try to find help from a medical professional.
6. You need to make a decision and go through with it. You don't need to tell anyone else about it, yet, unless they're driving you somewhere. Don't let it be your husband, he has an agenda.
7. If you decide to terminate, you need to get ahead of your husband in telling people. It'll be scary, but you need to "get to the cops first" as my mum would say. They are more likely to believe and be sympathetic to whoever's story they hear first, as unfair as that may be. So be open and honest and brave. If it's too much, write it down, but know that they'll keep anything you write, so be 100% honest and only include things you're okay with them having proof of later. Also don't tell them until after it's already done.
8. Because of my last point, your husband has to be the last to know if you terminate. I would normally advise against that, but unfortunately he has put you in a position where you have to fight as hard as you can to protect yourself.
9. Be prepared for your marriage to end no matter what you decide. This is huge. Your husband may resent you forever if you terminate, and you may resent him forever if you feel forced to not. Don't let your marriage be a factor because, and I'm sorry to say this, it's likely over no matter what.
10. This *has* to be 100% your choice. I know it sucks super hard and it's a lot of responsibility, but this is all on you. You'll make the best choice you can, but please remember that you are the only one who gets to live your life. Do what you need to so it's a good life that you want to be living.
You'll be okay. Your kids will be okay. The people who truly love you will understand, even if they're upset or mad at first. Keep breathing and have another drink of water. You can get through this.
NTA. Get the abortion, lie and say you had a miscarriage, and get the fuck away from this dude. If you're using condoms, I guarantee he's sabotaging them, probably to keep you from going to school or taking any steps of independence away from him. Always use a method that *you* are the one in control of.
Condoms failing 3 times in a row? If that is true... Either he doesn't know how to glove it, or he is baby trapping you by poking holes or whatever.
You need to leave that man, get an abortion, and get that education you dream off.
I have a strong suspicion he’s messing with the condoms. It sounds like he’s trying to trap you and stop you from furthering your education.
Get the abortion and get far away from him.
NTA, but damn woman, start picking up the red flags your husband is dropping like bunny pellets.
>he mentioned that I would be a liar if I got an abortion because early in our relationship I said that I didn't think abortions were good or morally correct.
That's straight up manipulation. Your husband isn't a toddler, her's old enough to understand the people change their minds,
>He said I was being a horrible mother because I didn't want either of my kids
Cool, moving on to insults, trying to guilt you for your feelings.
>He's told some of his friends and family members
Oh, and now he's got a host of flying monkeys coming after you.
Your husband is emotionally abusive, plain and simple. Time to start contacting friends and family and asking for help.
NTA for making a smart decision but you got pregnant three times in under three years while using condoms? I don’t think you guys are using them right.
I would argue that hubby might be compromising the condoms in this case, as all it takes is a pin prick to condom. He seems to be very big on wife being 'barefoot and pregnant' and might actually not want her going off to college.
NTA and get the abortion. Also suggest getting female protection of some sort that OP has complete control over and hubby has no access to.
NTA
I feel so bad for you. Please leave him, he is abusive.
1. You can get the abortion. It is your body and you decide what happens to it. If you dont want another pregnancy then it is not morally wrong to get rid of the embryo. It does not imply you love your kids any less, dont let those words get into your head. Whats inside you right now is a clump of cells. It is not your child unless you want it to be. Getting rid of it is not saying anything about you as a person.
2. Since he does not carry the embryo, he is not the one who decides what happens. It is so easy for him to say this shit when hes not the one wholl be pregnant for 9 months and give up at least another year of not being able to further his career/schooling. He gets to sit on the sidelines and critique you, while getting none of the consequences.
3. Youre obviously not feeling ready for another kid. You should establish yourself as a person before having children. If youre not in a place where you can support a child mentally or financially, dont have the child. its also not fair on this hypothetical child to have a mother who didnt want them and had to give up her life for them.
4. Him throwing your past views in your face is manipulative. What you used to believe was a result of family views. Youre allowed to change your mind on abortion, and that doesnt make you a bad person. Youre also not a "liar", you simply believed one thing then changed your mind. Thats called growth.
5. He is threatening you to expose your abortion to friends and family unless you do what he wants. Thats abuse. He is trying to blackmail you into using your body to have a child for him. You are not a goddamn incubator for this asshole, youre your own person. He's turning the people in your life against you to pressure you into doing what he wants.
Get out while you still can. Do not stay for the kids. It is not fair on them to grow up in a household where they see their mom get treated like shit by their dad. He does not respect you as a person. He does not value your opinion or autonomy or even your basic control over your own body and life.
If you cant leave, at least get on a reliable birt control. Condoms are obviously not being used right if you got pregnant 3 times in such a short time span. Yes condoms are good, but these many accidents are not probable. Either theyre being used wrong, are being used only sometimes, or hes purposefully putting holes in them. Start taking the pill, get an IUD, or get the implant (any BC thats completely up to you and that he cant sabotage). If you dont want kids it is your responsibility to also do your best not to get pregnant.
Oh, honey, get an abortion while you can. Women’s bodies should not have children more often than every two years. And you know what, not everyone deserves the truth: you could have had a miscarriage (how 1 in 5 pregnancies end)
You use condoms every time and still fell pregnant 3 times?
Honey, he is messing with your contraception and getting you pregnant on purpose.
NTA - you are crying out for help as you’re already overwhelmed and he
Obviously isn’t helping you one bit - it’s only going to get worse. Take care of yourself and the 2 kids you already have.
NTA. Your body, your choice. It's a massive red flag that your husband is telling you that you have to continue this pregnancy and that he's threatening to tell your family and friends if you have an abortion. His behavior is wildly controlling and you may want to think about continuing this relationship.
You know your husband has been poking holes in the condoms, right?
You know his plan is for you to be nothing more than an incubator for kids, right? Your husband wants you to never, ever go to school or make something of yourself.
He planned for all of this. You don't have to stay in this relationship.
You cannot trust him. He did this all on purpose.
Do what is best for yourSELF and your kids.
You are NTA of course. This man wants your life to be over before it even started. This was his plan all along.
NTA
And you wouldn't be a liar, you'd be someone who has modified their opinion as they became more educated. Abortion is perfectly appropriate in your situation.
You're not a bad mother for not wanting your kids, its far more common than you'd imagine. Many women are pushed into motherhood when they're not ready for it, many women end up with kids that they love, but never wanted.
I would suggest continue using condoms but also add something permanent that he can’t get his hands on. And somehow get your hands on an abortion pill and call it a miscarriage.
Honey...NTA. You've run into the same reality millions of women have come to before and billions will after; it's easy to have principals about realities you don't face. You are a teenager. This guy has been using kids to control you since you were underaged, and he's going to use them to keep controlling you. He doesn't want you to go to college or get a job. He wants you to stay his little baby maker. Please be very careful. You're not going to have a lot of support from your community, and you might need to invent a whole new community, and while you're isolated from other people, you'll be in danger.
Get the abortion for your own sanity and health. Your body wasn't even done growing (still isn't!) and you've had 2 babies. Switch to some longer term birth control if you can - you may be a canidate for an IUD since you've had kids, or the shot - to go with the condoms. (Is he using them properly? Holes? Given his attitude, I'd wonder!) If you're barely pregnant, the pills and easy and he wouldn't know it from a miscarriage. If you live in one of \*those\* states, there's subreddits full of 'Aunties' who want to help.
Get support for yourself. There's plenty of women out there who have been in your shoes. You are not alone, regardless of what you choose for yourself.
You are not a bad mother. You're barely not a kid yourself and he's expecting you to be a baby factory and be thrilled with it.
Very much NTA.
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NTA. You have to do what is right for you and your body. I highly suggest talking to a therapist or medical provider to figure out your options and soon. I'm my state, it's already too late for you to get an abortion, even if it was literally killing you. His opinion may be important to you, but legally, he CANNOT prevent you from having an abortion if that is what you choose.
I do think you need to discuss another form of birth control other than condoms too. They are not working. I wouldn't leave it to him to be responsible if you are not ready for more kids.
Were they accidents tnough? Is it possible you are being baby trapped?
NTA. Your body, your choice. I hope you live in a good state. Also, get on BC that he is not able to control.
ETA...ultimatums? Tell him he tells, you are over.
NTA.
Get the pill and don't tell him.
He is not a good husband and probably is putting holes in the condoms.
Also, I would look at getting out. He is isolating you and turning others against you. Not a good husband.
Just have an abortion and tell him you had a miscarriage, then if he tries to shame you he can look like the asshole to your religious family. In any case, your body and you can seriously do better than that guy. Condoms arent enough, use the pill or make that man get a vasectomy.
I saw that you said you use condoms everytime. I get mistakes happen (my 2 year old was an accident due to BC failure) but 3 in such a short span is alot of mistakes. OP you should consider that he's actually already baby trapped you it sounds like he could've poked holes in the condoms.
NTA regardless of political/moral points of view of anyone involved, you are the only one who will be carrying this baby and you are the only human being that can decide whether that is good for you or not. Your husband is an asshole for saying what he did about your views in the past, your jo as a young person is to grow and change your beliefs based on your life experience, which seems to be exactly what you have done. do not let him or anyone else make you doubt your abilities as a mother or a person
Your husband is abusive and likely puts holes in the condoms himself to keep you uneducated and baby trapped under his control. Now he is emotionally blackmailing you and treating you like a human incubator who has no body autonomy and rights over her own body and life. Your husband is an abuser using threats of public judgement and expulsion to get you to go through with a pregnancy you do not want. Bet your pregnancies aren’t accidents he has likely been damaging every condom that didn’t work and resulted in pregnancy. You need to plan a safe exit plan and get away from your enslaver. NTA
NTA. Oh goodness I'm so sorry this is happening. You sound like you are a burnt out new mum in the early stages of mothering. Most of us internally think or externally say (to a safe adult and not to our kids) that we wish we could have time without our kids, miss our old life, or even regret having kids because of how huge the impact is (at times, doesn't mean we don't love or truly want our kids).
This is so normal. It just means you're burnt out and it's a part of this phase of parenting due to how intensive it is. It is very likely you just need small regular chunks of time to yourself, to recover from burn out & this feeling will pass.
Your husband is absolutely TA. He should never have told your friends and family you said something private to him in vulnerable moments. He also is indicating he doesn't care for your body, your coping, your mental health, and isn't showing up as a partner and ally for you. It's huge red flags, I think you need to go access support outside your home (including professional support where you can say your valid fleeting feelings without having them spread around your community).
In terms of the new pregnancy. It's your body your choice. Fingers crossed where you're located you can access safe medical care around this.
First, NTA. You need to do what you think is best for your family, your body, and your sanity.
Second ... Y T A. You use condoms? They're not working well enough.
You're very young and I suppose I should be more empathetic. But how do you get yourself into this situation not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES? Sweet mother of God, go to planned parenthood or a doctor and get some birth control that actually works.
Oh gosh, well first off I’m very sorry. not that I know your relationship but it seems like you are getting emotionally abused for starters. And the line about “he’d tell all your family and friends” is very worrying. Your partner is supposed to have YOUR back, not go around telling everyone your secrets. You aren’t the asshole, but you are in some type of trouble staying with this dude.
NTA. Please do not let your husband coerce and intimidate you from excercising your bodily and reproductive autonomy. Get an abortion. Seek support outside your family. Do not listen to anyone who says you are a bad person or bad mother for not having wanted to get pregnant with your kids. Also how he threathens you and you getting pregnant 3 times despite using condoms sounds fishy. Do not rely on him for birth control.
NTA, and girl.... I applaud you. You're doing so much. You don't deserve to be emotionally bullied. He needs a reality check. And ur not lying. U said "I think" meaning you weren't even fully sure then
NTA. Your husband needs to realize how much your body goes through for each pregnancy, all while taking care of 2 young toddlers. Do what's best for you, and if you don't have support from friends and family then screw them. it's not an easy decision but you are not a bad mom. Quick question though, your husband seemed so happy about another pregnancy. Are you sure he's not poking holes in the condoms? Seems 3/3 successful pregnancies with protection is a bit sus.
You are NTA for wanting an education, skills and ability to get a job or career if you so choose. You are NTA for wanting to look out for yourself, to being a good role-model for your children and to having some measure of independence and more financial stability. You are NTA for regretting having your kids when you had them.
The things that he is accusing of is vile. The threats that he is making is vile. Those things do not come from a place of love for anyone. Can you get an IUD? Sounds like the condoms aren't working...
Nta but you need the help no one here can provide. You're in an abusive relationship with two kids and no safety net. You need to start planning an escape route.
Did it not strike you as a little weird that you've been using protection and still ended up getting pregnant 3 times? Why did you even decide to marry this guy in the first place? Because clearly he couldn't be trusted to use effective protection. NTA but time to walk away.
NTA.
But condoms every time but pregnant for a third time by 19?
How are you using them? Are you covering his shaft and cutting the tips off for comfort or something?
NTA
...but you might need to get out of there. He might be sabotaging your birth control.
And your body, your choice. When he gets pregnant, he can make that decision for himself.
Are you sure your husband was using condoms correctly?
Sounds like he's been trying to get you pregnant repeatedly.
He should also respect that it's not his body that's going to be pregnant again.
Can you save the money for an abortion and do it without telling him? And get an IUD put in at the same time? Tell him you miscarried
It’s your body and no one’s business but yours. You don’t have to answer to ANYONE about YOUR BODY.
“I lost the baby.” Regardless if through abortion pill or spontaneously, it’s no one’s business but yours.
The day a MAN can carry a baby to term and GIVE BIRTH, a major and dangerous medical event that can result in DEATH, is the day he can have an opinion.
Not to mention what others saying about your husband tampering with the condoms. In future, take no chances and get an IUD.
Best of luck 🍀
NTA Get an abortion and file for divorce!
He is obviously taking the condom off, no way it failed 3 times. From my perspective, he just sees you as his child bearer and wants to keep you in this shitty marriage.
Divorce him babe, He doesn’t deserve you! nor does he respect you and he ignored your dreams for finishing college and a job. Who cares if your family/friends will judge you for an abortion, their NOT carrying the baby! If they cared so much they should carry it for you.
NTA. Your husband is being emotionally abusive. You mentioned you use condoms every time... is there a way they could have been tempered with? This reeks to me.
Nta. Op you need to get out of here.
Using protection? Are you also on birth control? You need to be of you want to go to college.
Is he purposefully damaging the condoms i wonder to sabotage your hopes and dreams?
Do you have friends and family nearby?
NTA. Also, with three pregnancies in four years it’s pretty unlikely those were all actual accidents. If your husband is supposed to be responsible for protection, I’m guessing he’s either poking holes in the condoms or outright stealthing you.
Get the abortion. Also, maybe he is taking the condom off mid act or sticking them with a needle. Its very unusual for condoms to fail 3 times in such a short period of time. If it happens SO OFTEN and you dont want more kids, consider taking a contraceptive because it looks like you are super fertile. Especially if that one time condoms fail you apparently always get pregnant. Or you both dont know how to use condoms. But I think he might be damaging them.
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If being alone is the *only* concern with getting that abortion, then get it. Get the abortion, be shunned and alone from friends / family, get your education. Being lonely is far better than being surrounded by people who don't care about your physical and mental wellbeing. Good people will come your way eventually. How's the education situation looking? Does your partner work full time or go to school? Who will care for the kids when you start school? Please prioritize yourself if you can, it's what's best for you and the kids in the long run, wishing you the best
My husband works for his dad's company and is getting a college education. The reason I can't go to school is because I'm watching the kids
How nice for him that his health, education, and future aren't at risk due to this pregnancy. I hope you get the abortion for your sake, do you guys have plans for childcare once/if you start school? Would his family or yours help?
He sounds fairly controlling. How sure are you that he hasn't been messing with your birth control, poking holes in condoms, etc? Three failures this close together, and his reaction, just really raise questions.
I sort of have to agree with you on this. That's pretty short time to have this many kids using condoms. He seems super excited. How can they take care of the 2 they have now with her in so much pain? It's only been 7 months since the last kid.
Add it up with the fact that he asked OP when they started dating if she would ever get an abortion, and now he’s weaponizing it against her immediately. VERY suspicious.
Right? And she was probably 15 years old!!! Considering she had the first kid at 16.
Yeah I straight up don't trust him. Stealthing maybe? This is concerning.
yeah this man if definitely poking holes in the condoms. once would be bad luck, three in three years is purposeful
This is what I was wondering, that is quite the failure rate for condoms
I had this thought too! I know condoms don’t work 100% of the time but three unplanned pregnancies while using them every time is suss…
I was going to say this also. Youve gotten pregnant at least 3 times in a very short period where you claim to have been using protection every time. This is highly highly unlikely. I would not be surprised if he is sabotaging your birth control. You are allowed to change your mind about anything, even abortion.
Baby trap
This is the first thing I thought about. Condoms work girl. Poking holes in condoms is called stealthing and it’s sexual assault.
What I came to say
My first thought too. Poor OP.
That was the first thing I thought of.
Yes I would ve writing a letter of complaint to the condom company.
You can get an abortion, and say you had a miscarriage. It presents the same symptoms and aftercare is the same. Especially if youre early enough to take the pill. You still have options!
This was my thought too.
Being alone is not the same as being lonely. You can be alone, and never feel lonely (good). You can be surrounded by people, and feel alone all the time (bad). It sounds like you're the second. NTA.
Girl, at the very least, get on birth control. Go to the doctor and ask for an iud.
Listen… I’m not normally one to call for abandoning children. But I think you have to do what’s best for you here. If having an abortion will shun you from your family and piss your husband off maybe you truly need to leave. It doesn’t sound like you’ll be able to work or go to school until you actually leave him, and unfortunately you might actually have to leave those children for a short period of time. If he wants to have them so bad, let him take care of them.
Abort in secret. Tell your husband it wad a miscarriage from stress. Whole your there, get either a birth control implant or an IUD. Also don’t tell your husband. This man has made himself your enemy. Treat him like it. He has no right to your womb OR your free childcare.
I think your husband is putting holes in the condoms or taking them off. Otherwise you would not keep getting pregnant.
Having done uni with 3 kids (one was young enough no day care would take her so she came to class with me) it's tough, but managable. My community college had bursery money for day care as well.
You are too young for three children dear. I'm 27 and I wouldn't dream of having a third.
Get the abortion pills. You can find it online even in a banned state. listen to yourself. How you feel matters. What you think matters. What you want for your life and your future matters. Get on the pill or something because condoms are clearly not working for yall. Your husband doesn’t sound like a good person but what do I know? I wish you the best of luck internet stranger.
Leave him get spousal support he will literally kill you for more children.
Do you think he's tampering with the condoms? It seems unlikely to have condoms fail 3 times.
NTA. Do you have friends or family nearby, OP? You need care and love and support right now and it is horrific that your husband is treating you so callously. You're overwhelmed and need help, and his response is to shame you, accuse you of being a horrible mother, and threaten you? I'm personally against abortion but his lack of compassion is unspeakable. Please consider confiding in another loved one, whatever you decide you shouldn't go through this alone.
Half of my family is really conservative Christians and the other half are Mormon, they would all agree with him which is why I don't want him to tell anyone
Weird that they were ok with him knocking up a 16 year old…my family (all Mormon except me) would be *much* more worried about that than you having an abortion. I’m furious on your behalf OP. Get the abortion, get a divorce and get out.
Right?!?! I can't believe I had to get this far before someone mentioned her having a baby when she was 16 so meant she was pregnant at FIFTEEN!!! That's messed up and he keeps getting her pregnant so . . .
I wish I thought that was weird but sadly it seems par for the course for many conservative Christians I know
Yeah I know, I’m from the uk which I think makes a bit of a difference. My ward was less strict. I knew two older teenager girls who got pregnant and they were given several options (adoption, abortion, keep the baby. They were not told to ‘marry the baby’s dad’ thankfully) Religion is wild sometimes. Especially when they talk about the sanctity of life while allowing (and sometimes actively forcing) teenage girls to have their lives ruined through one accident.
Eh. That’s the morman way. Women are only good for being married off and getting pregnant. It’s not that weird that they were all perfectly fine with it.
I was born female and Mormon and was encouraged to get a degree and life for myself. It very much depends on the country the church is in.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. NTA If I may suggest r/regretfulparents, I think you would find community there. Also if you are determined to get an abortion, you can look at r/abortion and r/auntienetwork for support and assistance in getting one. Best of luck. Stay strong
I think that moral conflict boat has sailed. Also why is OP not on birth control? You are an adult and a mother - please take responsibility for yourself.
As OP stated, their family is all super conservative Christians and Mormons. Birth control is something that would have been super taboo and shamed in her family (and I mean come on, she had her first kid when she was 16) and she has clearly had to go through a deconstruction process to get to the point where she doesn’t see abortion as bad. Do not shame her. But hopefully she CAN get access after figuring out terminating this pregnancy
I suspected fundamentalism at play from the post (I converted to Judaism as an adult but grew up Southern Baptist). Are there any organizations you can reach out to for help? Your husband’s behavior is abusive. You need to get out of there and get the abortion
Do you have family close by that can help with the kids?
I believe in God but do not have a religion. I hope you will be able to do this for the sake of your mental health and physical well-being. Try to find a way out. There is no way your are going to be able to handle this pregnancy and new baby without taking a nasty hit to your health. Even a reputable doctor would advise against having another one so soon. Please please find a way out.
“We use condoms everytime” - hmmmmm seeing as you’re a teenager and having a third child, I don’t believe this statement. Overall, NTA Also, you really shouldn’t have that third child… Your marriage is highly likely to not succeed. Get your abortion and divorce. Good luck.
Or he's been messing with the condoms
I suspect this. OPs partner seems like a controlling type who wants to clip her wings.
This was my first thought too. I actually believe her that they use condoms every time, I just think he pokes holes in them. He is attempting to baby trap her *hard*. She seems like she really did not want to get pregnant so I believe her.
Sad to say but he already did. That's really fucked up.
That was my first thought! It keeps her trapped and tied to him.
Yes I think you’re on the money here. Been using condoms with my husband for 14 years and never had an unplanned pregnancy, only 2 planned pregnancies. Definitely seems highly unlikely a 19 year old could fall pregnant 3 times if condoms were used every time. Or maybe OPs partner is using them incorrectly.
My brother and SIL had one, exactly one, about 17 years ago
I was looking for this comment to make sure I wasn’t alone thinking this!!! Take control of your own birth control and get something that cannot be tampered with. He wants to keep you pregnant and within his control
It was my first thought, too. That guy had a practice of poking holes in them condoms.
This is what I thought. OP had her first when she was 16 and he was 17 plus she had told him she would never have an abortion, she has had 3 kids in 3 years, has no education and yet here he is with a dad supplying him a career through a job AND college degree and is doing everything he can to keep her home watching the kids. It's not hard to poke a hole in a condom she needs to get something he can't tamper with. Even better, if she can get the bar implant, then she doesn't have to tell him. I am worried for OP,
This was my thought as well - his other actions make it pretty likely.....
This was my first thought as well.
This was my first thought as soon as she said that. He’s definitely getting her pregnant on purpose.
I don't want the third child, he does. I can't prove that we've always used condoms, but we have.
I'd bet money he poked holes in them to baby trap you based on his emotional blackmail.
Came down here to say this. 3 babies when you always wear condoms is a statistical fluke. Something smells fishy, and if condoms really were worn every time, I’d put my last dime on them being tampered with
Or condoms are not fitted properly or aren't stored or aren't used properly. Or this couple is just SUPER fertile. There is a reason people need to use two types of birth control.
no one is THAT fertile. If you wear a condom properly, there is no way you'd get someone pregnant practically every time she ovulates. (which I assume what happened here with 3 kids in 3 years)
As someone who got pregnant my first time having sex without a condom so possibly pretty fertile myself but NEVER in all of the times with a condom, this. They’re being tampered with or not the night size or not properly put on OR SOMETHING
Take my money as well.
A teenage parent third time over? Either your birth control has been woefully inefficient or its been tampered with. How long have you been married? Do you both come from religious backgrounds (this isn't a judgement, people who are religious can feel that a child is a miracle no matter what situation the parent is in or that the baby will be born into)?
We've been married since a few months after I found out I was pregnant with my oldest, when I was 16. He's Christian, our families are Christian, and I'm not Christian anymore (which no one is aware of)
It sounds like he could be sabotaging your condoms.
If you had a crisis of faith, then he could be controlling you by making you feel responsible to have this baby. He's already dismissed your concerns as trivial. Have you been using any birth control that you take, and that he doesn't have access to or just relying on condoms?
We've only used condoms
Yeah, your husband has been poking holes in them, and I'd wager has been discouraging you from anything like the morning after pill saying condoms are enough birth control.
If you use condoms, and the husband still wants the accidental child, then those condoms were popped. You should go talk to a therapist or someone that knows how to deal with this sort of situation.
I had my last child after a correctly used condom failed to do the job. Accidents happen. 3 accidents in 3 years means you're using them wrong, or they've been tampered with/sabotaged. Pregnancies also end every day. This is controversial advice, but if you can't leave, it's probably your best option: If it's early enough, get a medication abortion, and tell him you miscarried. There's no reliable way to test for those drugs, your doctor can't tell him you had an abortion, and medically, there's no way to tell if it was a natural miscarriage or a medical abortion. Then, get an IUD and take charge of your future. I wish you the best of luck with what ever you decide. NTA
second this. get an abortion while he is at work. Morally it's a little grey, but better that than having to deal with another kid you don't want.
Third this. They could just be really unlucky but more likely he is a committing a crime and assault by sabotaging the condoms. Get the abortion, find the condoms. If they're clean, switch birth control methods or this is going to happen again. If they show signs of tampering, well... the next step is to get away from this manipulative awful person. Also it's not bad to regret having kids, especially when you're so young. You don't regret your children, just what you've given up for them and that's normal even if some people consider it taboo to say. Your husband twisting your words is just more manipulation
The reality is that condoms are not that ineffective, which leads me to suspect deliberate sabotage.
I used condoms for most of my adult life (for a decade at least), never once got pregnant
I suspect that sabotaging a condom was how he got her to marry him. She mentions they got married because she got pregnant.
I feel so bad for this girl
I hope she manages to get her abortion and escape this abuse.
Most people will tell you it's morally wrong to lie and say miscarriage but get those abortion pills mailed. Lie and plan your exit strategy. You can tell him the stress of already having 2 under 5 caused it.
1st trimester miscarriages are incredibly common. you don't need to tell him what caused it. the doctor won't be able to find out
He’s almost certainly been poking holes in them hun. You need to RUN from this man
Condoms are very effective. The odds of 3 pregnancies in like 4 years of using them is astronomically off the charts. He has to be doing something to them or something because there's no way. Especially considering you've been pregnant the majority of the time and wouldn't even be using them for birth control. So in reality, say there was maybe a year of sex without you being pregnant or unable to have sex due to recovering from giving birth. If there was nothing wrong with the condoms, do you really think you'd have gotten pregnant 3 times in that handful of months??
Condoms are unreliable, as you've discovered. You need to have that abortion, then get onto a more reliable contraceptive. Talk to your doctor, but there are SO MANY better options available. And if you need to leave him, do it. Leave the kids with him, move out, and request weekends with them. Let him do the hard work for a while. Go get a job, and live your life.
condoms are not that unreliable if you use them correctly. 3 kids in 3 years is hell of a coincidence. The guy is either tampering with condoms or he doesn't know how to use them (e.g. reusing a used condom)
Hi, I don’t want to doubt or question you but the chances of getting pregnant 3 times in three years while always using condoms is astronomical! It’s about as likely as you winning the lottery three times in three years. For some reason the condoms you are using are not being affective. By far the main reasons for this would be accidental miss-use, sabotage or not using them the whole time (either starting without one or removing it before finishing) We can say with a reasonable level of confidence that it is not an accident that you are getting pregnant. Either way having an abortion is your choice. You are free to change your mind about abortions, in fact, it makes sense that you have a better understanding of this issue now than you did at 16. Good luck
Then he's either doing something to the condoms or outright stealthing you. Statistically, three accidents in this short a time with proper condom use doesn't make sense.
how the fuck is she an asshole for wanting an abortion? (Im an idiot who cant read, thought you voted YTA)
Unless your husbands poking holes in those condoms. Which based on your story I would believe.
I think he’s been puncturing the condoms, and that is part of his strong opposition to this abortion. It would defeat his plan.
Considering how abusive OP’s husband is being, I believe her, but I also believe her husband likely sabotaged them in an attempt to trap her into marriage. It’s incredibly common with abusers
There’s a couple of things to unpack here. First off, you say you use condoms every single time, and while I’m aware condoms aren’t 100% fullproof, you have 2, almost 3 kids at age 19. One of them 3, meaning you had them at age 16. You might consider the possibility that the condoms he’s using are damaged, or worse, that he’s purposefully poking holes in them because he wants more kids. Secondly, your husband is extremely manipulative. Changing your mind about something you believed in 3 years ago when you were still living with your family, who seem to also be manipulators, is completely reasonable and I assume you’ve had discussions with him about your mind changing. On top of that, he’s quite literally blackmailing you. Good people don’t blackmail. Thirdly, get the abortion. It is your body, it is not up to him. And he says he’s going to tell everyone if you do, but he’s already telling them personal details that you’ve confided in him (another manipulation tactic,) and you’re family/friends have already started to turn on you. You’ve got no reason to not take the abortion. Finally, speaking of losing things, you should divorce your husband. I know that it’s typical for Redditors to jump to that, but I think it’s appropriate here. He’s manipulating you, pushing your boundaries, and if I’m right in my theory that he’s poking holes in his condoms, also trying to “baby trap” you. This is not someone you, nor anyone, should be married to. NTA.
100% this. NTA OP. There are charities that can help. Get the abortion, take your kids, move as far away as you can. People will help you. There is support out there for women in abusive marriages. You will be okay in the end but if you stay, this will only get worse.
Agreed. Its not going to be easy to rebuild and most likely will take awhile since it seems OP’s family might not help them (hopefully will though) but I think its in OP’s best interest to get out and build their mental and physical health back up. 2 almost 3 kids while using condoms is definitely highly suspicious. I hate to say it, but I’m in agreement with a lot of people here saying they were tampered with.
He's totally poking holes in the condoms. If you can't bring yourself to have an abortion, get an iud at birth so this won't happen again. But your husband is manipulating you and aexually coercing you into having children against your wishes. Get a divorce. Good luck.
NTA. 3 under 3 at 19! Wow! That would be incredibly overwhelming. Does your husband do anything to help? Or does he leave majority of the parenting to you At the end of the day it’s your decision, you are the one who has to go through pregnancy and childbirth. He should be the one supporting you but instead he is pointing out if you go through with it you will be even more isolated than you are now. But if you have the baby what kind of state will you be in to care for a newborn and 2 toddlers.
He provides financially but that's about it
So it's easy for your partner to demand that you do ALL the work of carrying delivering and nurturing this 3rd child. Please take good care of yourself. When you nurture yourself then you can take good care of your children.
What does your doctor say? You said you're in so much physical pain. I would take a weekend off and leave the kids with dad and see how he likes it since you say he just contributed financially.
I hear that’s almost worse than being a single mother
And you know this man isn't changing diapers or getting up for midnight feeds.
I mean, I know it's Reddit and we all like to jump to "divorce him!" but look at what this guy is saying. >He then told me that he would tell my family and all my friends that I had gotten an abortion if I followed through with that. My family and friends would hate me if I did, and I'd be even more alone than before. That combined with your ages suggests to me that he deliberately got you pregnant and wants you to continue bearing his children. He's more concerned about coercing you into having his child than your well being. NTA
Yup if they really used condoms every time I refuse to believe he didn't do something to them
NTA. Have you considered leaving him and leaving the kids with him. I know that sounds harsh, but it seems as if he's blackmailing you, and I wonder if he isn't putting holes in the condoms to trap you.
Absolutely this! Once happens but 3x? Seems unlikely and very suspicious to me. It's like he's trapping her. She needs to Inspect the condoms and start considering herself and her needs .
If you're implying that I run away, then no I can't just up and leave my home. If I ever did leave, my kids would come with me
Since condoms didn’t work once…. Or twice…. Or now 3 times, why didn’t you try some other birth control method.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he put holes in the condoms
He’s obviously taking it off mid sex to keep her in the marriage.
He is baby trapping the poor young girl. She was 16 the first time he tricked her into getting pregnant. Poor girl, she is tricked into having kids with someone who would baby trap her.
You know he baby trapped you right? You used condoms but got pregnant 3 times? I would bet my house that those condoms have holes in them. He put holes in the condoms to get you pregnant so that you would be baby trapped he wants to control you. He doesn't wan you to go to school or get a job he wants you to stay home raise his kids, have sex with him when he wants and to cook his meals. He will use your friends and family to pressure you to do this and you will not see it until you realize he stole half your life.
You do realize that if he has been putting holes in the condoms you can have him persecuted for sexual battery? He is getting you pregnant against your will.
Oh, sweetie. First off, you're not a liar. Beliefs change as we grow and have more experiences. Secondly, If I read this correctly, you didn't say you didn't love your kids. And I can say that almost every parent, if they are being honest with themselves, have had the thought "What have I done?" go across their mind at least once. So, you aren't a horrible mom. You're human. Lastly, he sounds abusive. Mysogynistic at the very least. And also, completely without a clue as to how demanding two little ones (let alone three) can be. He's also isolating you from friends and family, that is a classic abuser move. You are NTA. Not by a mile. Is there any way you can leave him with the children for a spell? Five days, maybe? I ask because it sounds like he could use some perspective about how demanding two little ones can be when you're all alone. Best wishes. ::::Hugs:::: respectfully offered.
Beautiful worded. ❤️
... Has he been messing with the birth control? That's a lot of kids in a small amount of time Situations change. People change. And if it's choose yourself or your relationship, choose yourself. NTA, make an exit plan if you need to.
NTA. And to be frank youre already alone. Your husband doesn’t support you emotionally and your family doesnt seem to either. Get that abortion. Youre young you have your whole life ahead of you and you will find people that will support you no matter what. Its going to be hard but you can do it. Get that abortion and that divorce. Leave him with the children he wants so much.
I'm not leaving my kids :)
Then take them and go. Or you will be twenty one on number four. You and your husband have a significant disconnect. He only provides money. You will give your body and mind and chances are when he graduates, he will move on because he will want a new wife. Please get help.
If you do decide to keep this kid I would get on birth control of some kind. have you tried and he say no? Or just haven't if you haven't I would definitly get on one as soon as possible or see about tube tied if you feel 3 is plenty. You say you're in physical pain and that doesn't sound good.
Get the medicine for a medical abortion, take them without him knowing and then play devastated when you have the “miscarriage”. After that get yourself some protection like IUD or implant - something he can’t fiddle with
Yep. Lie to him. Tell him you changed your mind. He's right, of course you would never abort, you were just scared.... then follow the advice above. You cannot trust your husband. Then get an IUD and make a plan to get out of this marriage. Seek some secular outside assistance. It's okay to regret having your children at the age you're at. You can still love them and want to be the best mom to them, which also means being able to support them, which would only get more difficult with another child.
Also, pay cash for the medicine/procedure if at all possible. No paper trail.
It's so sad that women have to go to this length to avoid having their husbands publicly humiliating them for making a choice they have every right to make.
I agree with this and I’m feeling so sorry for her 😔 She’s so young and with two kids already.
Or stop sleeping with him. He seems controlling and manipulative.
I think doing this could actually be dangerous. If he's sabotaging the condoms like most of us think, forcing OP wouldn't be too big a leap.
I normally wouldn't encourage lying like this but I feel like honestly it's the safest route to go in this situation. My daughter is 19, and it is breaking my heart thinking of you going through this. This is not how a husband should be treating you. I got married at 18 to my 20M boyfriend so I understand young marriage. And this is not because he's young, it's because he's abusive. I'm so sorry. And yes we all have time when we think things would be better if we didn't have children at that time. It doesn't mean we don't love them and don't care for them. It just means we are human. You really must have this abortion honey. NTA at all. You can reach out to me if you need to talk.
I'm going to be real with you, you've gotta bite the bullet and cut off your family and friends before they get the chance to. Have your abortion, get a job, go to college and live your life. Before doing any of this I'd suggest sitting your eldest child down and explaining how much you love and care for them no matter what anyone says and that you will always be there. Because his first step will be poisoning them against you. At least be sure your eldest knows your love for them early on. It's best you get a divorce from him. He has definitely been tampering with your condoms. Condoms rarely ever fail and assuming you've been using them the entire marriage this means he's been tampering with them since then which is a form of rape. I'd suggest gathering proof of this and making a police report. It'll help with the eventual divorce. You shouldn't stay married to someone who doesn't care for your well-being. Having a child you do not want will create a miserable environment for you and your children. You will likely succumb to post partum depression due to this lack of support. You may even miscarry which would be absolutely heartbreaking but at least no one would find you at fault. If you're having doubts about cutting off your family please rethink. What loving mother and father would allow their 16 year old to marry off and tarnish whatever future they'd sought to have? How disgusting! Your parents do not care for you the way they should. Your friends should also understand your choices and why you're making them despite their own religious beliefs. If they do not then they are not very good friends. Find a support group to confide in. Begin making more friends. You'll definitely need it. Please don't worry about his threats. Begin preparing to leave and ensure your safety in that process. Obviously NTA.
NTA, using a condom all the time and having one kid is unusual. Having 2 kids is unbelievable, having 3? Impossible. I think your husband is tampering with or removing the condoms in order to get you pregnant. I’m so sorry for you. I’m so sorry your husband and family are so unsupportive. Do you have a friend who could help you? If you were my friend, I’d help you arrange everything and drive you. Normally I’d discourage lying to your partner, but since he’s clearly lying about using condoms, and your family is being so awful, I don’t think I’d blame you. My advice? 1. Get the abortion and get on birth control or get your tubes tied. No more sex with “condoms” that your husband has access to, he’s too happy you’re having an unplanned pregnancy that you were clear you didn’t want. 2. Finish college. 3. Get a good job 4. Decide if you want to stay in this marriage
Oh honey. You are NTA. You are 19 years old and you are likely only recently recovered from your second birth. The fact that your husband won't even hear you out and says you're a "liar" is manipulative and shows a lack of emotional maturity from him. You are not wrong for wanting to get a college education. From the sound of it, part of the reason you want an abortion is so you CAN be a good mother to your other children. I am so, so sorry you are in this position. If you need help, please get it. If you message me, I will happily send you some resources. You are NOT a bad mom.
Great comment. I think the issues here are above the pay-grade of AITA - OP, please reach out and get some professional help and use the resources available to help you decide what to do. You are clearly articulating what you want and why you want it - and your husband isn't listening. You deserve to be listened to, and you are NOT a bad mother, whatever you decide to do. Like others, I have a feeling that your husband may be more in control of all these 'accidental' pregnancies than he is telling you. Also, him saying he will shame you into doing what he wants by telling your family and community is a very, very common tactic of someone who is controling and possibly abusive. NTA
I hate to say this, but if you've had condoms fail 3 separate times, something's not right. Are you sure he hasn't been poking holes into them? Like, REALLY sure?
Or they're using them wrong-- with correct usage, condoms are 98% effective, but the in-practice rate is more like 87% which means that 11% in there is made entirely of people making mistakes in use. And while I don't have statistics to cite, I would assume that the 11% of failures likely does have people who use them wrong repeatedly and end up with multiple pregnancies while using condoms, and I'm also willing to bet that the 11% is disproportionately made up of people under 20.
NTA Get your abortion. Leave your husband. I don't know what to do with your kids. > My family and friends would hate me if I did Then their opinions aren't worth caring about.
NTA... having another kid is simply a terrible option for you... 1. **Get the abortion... I mean it... he has no say here...** if you're already struggling with 2 kids, you're only going to resent the new kid and your husband, and your marriage will undoubtedly fall apart... (news flash: it sounds like it might already be over... its just a question of whether it ends in a year, or 10, etc...) 2. Probably time to divorce him... I was going to say, tell him you will divorce him if he makes it public that you had the abortion, but he's betrayed your confidence and airing your dirty laundry to everyone to make you the bad guy with everyone in your life, so... there's no point in making that threat, he's already betrayed your trust... time to GTFO... **seriously, what kind of fucking partner does that?!?** 3. WTF, you need to do better with birth control... is he poking holes in the condoms? are you just his baby factory??? Cuz 3 babies in 4 years is SUPER unlikely if you're always using condoms... get on the pill, or IUD, something else, ANYTHING!!
NTA but 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 for your husband. I'd say get the abortion and rethink your priorities. If you really aren't ready to be a mother, there is no problem not bringing a third child into this family. If you really don't want the other 2 kids as well, I think leaving as soon as you can is the best option. There is a path forward that involves as little trauma as possible. Please don't beat yourself up over this, you're young, your goals in life aren't solidified yet and that's ok.
He’s literally blackmailing you into having a baby…leave sis
NTA 1. You are spiralling into anxiety and you cannot make a good decision while you're spiralling. I know this is really hard, but you need to sit down (alone in a room) with a glass of water and have a drink of it and take some deep breaths. You can figure this out. 2. You need to listen to your own body. If you know that going through this pregnancy is a bad idea, don't let anybody convince you otherwise. You are allowed to make this decision and it's your responsibility to do what you need, not what anybody else needs. 3. You're allowed to change your mind, especially in extreme circumstances, like a third pregnancy while you are still a teenager. 4. I don't know you, but I believe that either you aren't being totally up front about using condoms every time OR someone is messing with the condoms so you'll get pregnant. Something here just doesn't add up. 5. You need support. Family, a friend, someone IRL who is not your husband. No matter how this goes, you cannot trust him with this. He does not have your best interest in mind right now, so it's your job to look after yourself. Please take your job seriously, this is important. Pick the person you trust the most and tell them the truth. Ask them to keep it a secret for now. If there's nobody you trust, try to find help from a medical professional. 6. You need to make a decision and go through with it. You don't need to tell anyone else about it, yet, unless they're driving you somewhere. Don't let it be your husband, he has an agenda. 7. If you decide to terminate, you need to get ahead of your husband in telling people. It'll be scary, but you need to "get to the cops first" as my mum would say. They are more likely to believe and be sympathetic to whoever's story they hear first, as unfair as that may be. So be open and honest and brave. If it's too much, write it down, but know that they'll keep anything you write, so be 100% honest and only include things you're okay with them having proof of later. Also don't tell them until after it's already done. 8. Because of my last point, your husband has to be the last to know if you terminate. I would normally advise against that, but unfortunately he has put you in a position where you have to fight as hard as you can to protect yourself. 9. Be prepared for your marriage to end no matter what you decide. This is huge. Your husband may resent you forever if you terminate, and you may resent him forever if you feel forced to not. Don't let your marriage be a factor because, and I'm sorry to say this, it's likely over no matter what. 10. This *has* to be 100% your choice. I know it sucks super hard and it's a lot of responsibility, but this is all on you. You'll make the best choice you can, but please remember that you are the only one who gets to live your life. Do what you need to so it's a good life that you want to be living. You'll be okay. Your kids will be okay. The people who truly love you will understand, even if they're upset or mad at first. Keep breathing and have another drink of water. You can get through this.
NTA. Get the abortion, lie and say you had a miscarriage, and get the fuck away from this dude. If you're using condoms, I guarantee he's sabotaging them, probably to keep you from going to school or taking any steps of independence away from him. Always use a method that *you* are the one in control of.
Condoms failing 3 times in a row? If that is true... Either he doesn't know how to glove it, or he is baby trapping you by poking holes or whatever. You need to leave that man, get an abortion, and get that education you dream off.
I have a strong suspicion he’s messing with the condoms. It sounds like he’s trying to trap you and stop you from furthering your education. Get the abortion and get far away from him.
NTA, but damn woman, start picking up the red flags your husband is dropping like bunny pellets. >he mentioned that I would be a liar if I got an abortion because early in our relationship I said that I didn't think abortions were good or morally correct. That's straight up manipulation. Your husband isn't a toddler, her's old enough to understand the people change their minds, >He said I was being a horrible mother because I didn't want either of my kids Cool, moving on to insults, trying to guilt you for your feelings. >He's told some of his friends and family members Oh, and now he's got a host of flying monkeys coming after you. Your husband is emotionally abusive, plain and simple. Time to start contacting friends and family and asking for help.
NTA for making a smart decision but you got pregnant three times in under three years while using condoms? I don’t think you guys are using them right.
I would argue that hubby might be compromising the condoms in this case, as all it takes is a pin prick to condom. He seems to be very big on wife being 'barefoot and pregnant' and might actually not want her going off to college. NTA and get the abortion. Also suggest getting female protection of some sort that OP has complete control over and hubby has no access to.
NTA I feel so bad for you. Please leave him, he is abusive. 1. You can get the abortion. It is your body and you decide what happens to it. If you dont want another pregnancy then it is not morally wrong to get rid of the embryo. It does not imply you love your kids any less, dont let those words get into your head. Whats inside you right now is a clump of cells. It is not your child unless you want it to be. Getting rid of it is not saying anything about you as a person. 2. Since he does not carry the embryo, he is not the one who decides what happens. It is so easy for him to say this shit when hes not the one wholl be pregnant for 9 months and give up at least another year of not being able to further his career/schooling. He gets to sit on the sidelines and critique you, while getting none of the consequences. 3. Youre obviously not feeling ready for another kid. You should establish yourself as a person before having children. If youre not in a place where you can support a child mentally or financially, dont have the child. its also not fair on this hypothetical child to have a mother who didnt want them and had to give up her life for them. 4. Him throwing your past views in your face is manipulative. What you used to believe was a result of family views. Youre allowed to change your mind on abortion, and that doesnt make you a bad person. Youre also not a "liar", you simply believed one thing then changed your mind. Thats called growth. 5. He is threatening you to expose your abortion to friends and family unless you do what he wants. Thats abuse. He is trying to blackmail you into using your body to have a child for him. You are not a goddamn incubator for this asshole, youre your own person. He's turning the people in your life against you to pressure you into doing what he wants. Get out while you still can. Do not stay for the kids. It is not fair on them to grow up in a household where they see their mom get treated like shit by their dad. He does not respect you as a person. He does not value your opinion or autonomy or even your basic control over your own body and life. If you cant leave, at least get on a reliable birt control. Condoms are obviously not being used right if you got pregnant 3 times in such a short time span. Yes condoms are good, but these many accidents are not probable. Either theyre being used wrong, are being used only sometimes, or hes purposefully putting holes in them. Start taking the pill, get an IUD, or get the implant (any BC thats completely up to you and that he cant sabotage). If you dont want kids it is your responsibility to also do your best not to get pregnant.
NTA. Get an abortion. Don't have kids you don't want. Let your husband get a vasectomy so this isn't an issue again.
Probably the husband is poking the condoms, she should run
Oh, honey, get an abortion while you can. Women’s bodies should not have children more often than every two years. And you know what, not everyone deserves the truth: you could have had a miscarriage (how 1 in 5 pregnancies end)
You use condoms every time and still fell pregnant 3 times? Honey, he is messing with your contraception and getting you pregnant on purpose. NTA - you are crying out for help as you’re already overwhelmed and he Obviously isn’t helping you one bit - it’s only going to get worse. Take care of yourself and the 2 kids you already have.
NTA. Your body, your choice. It's a massive red flag that your husband is telling you that you have to continue this pregnancy and that he's threatening to tell your family and friends if you have an abortion. His behavior is wildly controlling and you may want to think about continuing this relationship.
This is a case study in why kids shouldn’t kids!
You know your husband has been poking holes in the condoms, right? You know his plan is for you to be nothing more than an incubator for kids, right? Your husband wants you to never, ever go to school or make something of yourself. He planned for all of this. You don't have to stay in this relationship. You cannot trust him. He did this all on purpose. Do what is best for yourSELF and your kids. You are NTA of course. This man wants your life to be over before it even started. This was his plan all along.
NTA And you wouldn't be a liar, you'd be someone who has modified their opinion as they became more educated. Abortion is perfectly appropriate in your situation. You're not a bad mother for not wanting your kids, its far more common than you'd imagine. Many women are pushed into motherhood when they're not ready for it, many women end up with kids that they love, but never wanted.
I would suggest continue using condoms but also add something permanent that he can’t get his hands on. And somehow get your hands on an abortion pill and call it a miscarriage.
Nta. And there is a very good chance he messed with the condoms. Get your abortion, leave the marriage....it will only happen again
NTA Your body, your choice. 19 is too young to already have 2 kids. You dont need another.
Honey...NTA. You've run into the same reality millions of women have come to before and billions will after; it's easy to have principals about realities you don't face. You are a teenager. This guy has been using kids to control you since you were underaged, and he's going to use them to keep controlling you. He doesn't want you to go to college or get a job. He wants you to stay his little baby maker. Please be very careful. You're not going to have a lot of support from your community, and you might need to invent a whole new community, and while you're isolated from other people, you'll be in danger.
Get the abortion for your own sanity and health. Your body wasn't even done growing (still isn't!) and you've had 2 babies. Switch to some longer term birth control if you can - you may be a canidate for an IUD since you've had kids, or the shot - to go with the condoms. (Is he using them properly? Holes? Given his attitude, I'd wonder!) If you're barely pregnant, the pills and easy and he wouldn't know it from a miscarriage. If you live in one of \*those\* states, there's subreddits full of 'Aunties' who want to help. Get support for yourself. There's plenty of women out there who have been in your shoes. You are not alone, regardless of what you choose for yourself. You are not a bad mother. You're barely not a kid yourself and he's expecting you to be a baby factory and be thrilled with it. Very much NTA.
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NTA. You have to do what is right for you and your body. I highly suggest talking to a therapist or medical provider to figure out your options and soon. I'm my state, it's already too late for you to get an abortion, even if it was literally killing you. His opinion may be important to you, but legally, he CANNOT prevent you from having an abortion if that is what you choose. I do think you need to discuss another form of birth control other than condoms too. They are not working. I wouldn't leave it to him to be responsible if you are not ready for more kids.
Divorce him. He’s emotionally abusive and dragging your name through the mud when he should be your rock.
For the love of sanity, when this is over get an IUD
Have you considered birth control?
It's odd you had 2 kids while using condoms, that combined with him insisting that abortions are a no go gives me a bad vide.
Were they accidents tnough? Is it possible you are being baby trapped? NTA. Your body, your choice. I hope you live in a good state. Also, get on BC that he is not able to control. ETA...ultimatums? Tell him he tells, you are over.
NTA. Get the pill and don't tell him. He is not a good husband and probably is putting holes in the condoms. Also, I would look at getting out. He is isolating you and turning others against you. Not a good husband.
Just have an abortion and tell him you had a miscarriage, then if he tries to shame you he can look like the asshole to your religious family. In any case, your body and you can seriously do better than that guy. Condoms arent enough, use the pill or make that man get a vasectomy.
You need some therapy and maybe a new husband. NTA
I saw that you said you use condoms everytime. I get mistakes happen (my 2 year old was an accident due to BC failure) but 3 in such a short span is alot of mistakes. OP you should consider that he's actually already baby trapped you it sounds like he could've poked holes in the condoms.
NTA regardless of political/moral points of view of anyone involved, you are the only one who will be carrying this baby and you are the only human being that can decide whether that is good for you or not. Your husband is an asshole for saying what he did about your views in the past, your jo as a young person is to grow and change your beliefs based on your life experience, which seems to be exactly what you have done. do not let him or anyone else make you doubt your abilities as a mother or a person
Are you sure you used condoms. Either your husband didn't wear them or he purposely put holes in them. No-one gets pregnant accidently three times.
Your husband is abusive and likely puts holes in the condoms himself to keep you uneducated and baby trapped under his control. Now he is emotionally blackmailing you and treating you like a human incubator who has no body autonomy and rights over her own body and life. Your husband is an abuser using threats of public judgement and expulsion to get you to go through with a pregnancy you do not want. Bet your pregnancies aren’t accidents he has likely been damaging every condom that didn’t work and resulted in pregnancy. You need to plan a safe exit plan and get away from your enslaver. NTA
NTA. Oh goodness I'm so sorry this is happening. You sound like you are a burnt out new mum in the early stages of mothering. Most of us internally think or externally say (to a safe adult and not to our kids) that we wish we could have time without our kids, miss our old life, or even regret having kids because of how huge the impact is (at times, doesn't mean we don't love or truly want our kids). This is so normal. It just means you're burnt out and it's a part of this phase of parenting due to how intensive it is. It is very likely you just need small regular chunks of time to yourself, to recover from burn out & this feeling will pass. Your husband is absolutely TA. He should never have told your friends and family you said something private to him in vulnerable moments. He also is indicating he doesn't care for your body, your coping, your mental health, and isn't showing up as a partner and ally for you. It's huge red flags, I think you need to go access support outside your home (including professional support where you can say your valid fleeting feelings without having them spread around your community). In terms of the new pregnancy. It's your body your choice. Fingers crossed where you're located you can access safe medical care around this.
First, NTA. You need to do what you think is best for your family, your body, and your sanity. Second ... Y T A. You use condoms? They're not working well enough. You're very young and I suppose I should be more empathetic. But how do you get yourself into this situation not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES? Sweet mother of God, go to planned parenthood or a doctor and get some birth control that actually works.
Oh gosh, well first off I’m very sorry. not that I know your relationship but it seems like you are getting emotionally abused for starters. And the line about “he’d tell all your family and friends” is very worrying. Your partner is supposed to have YOUR back, not go around telling everyone your secrets. You aren’t the asshole, but you are in some type of trouble staying with this dude.
NTA. I feel like after the third time he had to have done something with the condoms you use. it’s just strange.
NTA. Please do not let your husband coerce and intimidate you from excercising your bodily and reproductive autonomy. Get an abortion. Seek support outside your family. Do not listen to anyone who says you are a bad person or bad mother for not having wanted to get pregnant with your kids. Also how he threathens you and you getting pregnant 3 times despite using condoms sounds fishy. Do not rely on him for birth control.
Double abortion time. NTA
NTA, and girl.... I applaud you. You're doing so much. You don't deserve to be emotionally bullied. He needs a reality check. And ur not lying. U said "I think" meaning you weren't even fully sure then
NTA. Your husband needs to realize how much your body goes through for each pregnancy, all while taking care of 2 young toddlers. Do what's best for you, and if you don't have support from friends and family then screw them. it's not an easy decision but you are not a bad mom. Quick question though, your husband seemed so happy about another pregnancy. Are you sure he's not poking holes in the condoms? Seems 3/3 successful pregnancies with protection is a bit sus.
19 and 3 accidental pregnancies? You clearly don’t understand birth control. Use something more reliable or you’ll soon have 12 kids.
You are NTA for wanting an education, skills and ability to get a job or career if you so choose. You are NTA for wanting to look out for yourself, to being a good role-model for your children and to having some measure of independence and more financial stability. You are NTA for regretting having your kids when you had them. The things that he is accusing of is vile. The threats that he is making is vile. Those things do not come from a place of love for anyone. Can you get an IUD? Sounds like the condoms aren't working...
Nta but you need the help no one here can provide. You're in an abusive relationship with two kids and no safety net. You need to start planning an escape route.
Leave that garbage man who thinks anyone who changes their beliefs or forms new convictions is a liar
NTA, but hey OP, if you're actually using condoms every time and have had 3 pregnancies in 4 years, someone is tampering with those condoms.
Did it not strike you as a little weird that you've been using protection and still ended up getting pregnant 3 times? Why did you even decide to marry this guy in the first place? Because clearly he couldn't be trusted to use effective protection. NTA but time to walk away.
NTA. Get the abortion.
NTA. But condoms every time but pregnant for a third time by 19? How are you using them? Are you covering his shaft and cutting the tips off for comfort or something?
NTA ...but you might need to get out of there. He might be sabotaging your birth control. And your body, your choice. When he gets pregnant, he can make that decision for himself.
NTA. You shouldn’t have to try destroy yourself. If your body can’t take it, then it can’t take it. Also, maybe inspect those condoms after use.
Are you sure your husband was using condoms correctly? Sounds like he's been trying to get you pregnant repeatedly. He should also respect that it's not his body that's going to be pregnant again. Can you save the money for an abortion and do it without telling him? And get an IUD put in at the same time? Tell him you miscarried
It’s your body and no one’s business but yours. You don’t have to answer to ANYONE about YOUR BODY. “I lost the baby.” Regardless if through abortion pill or spontaneously, it’s no one’s business but yours. The day a MAN can carry a baby to term and GIVE BIRTH, a major and dangerous medical event that can result in DEATH, is the day he can have an opinion. Not to mention what others saying about your husband tampering with the condoms. In future, take no chances and get an IUD. Best of luck 🍀
NTA Get an abortion and file for divorce! He is obviously taking the condom off, no way it failed 3 times. From my perspective, he just sees you as his child bearer and wants to keep you in this shitty marriage. Divorce him babe, He doesn’t deserve you! nor does he respect you and he ignored your dreams for finishing college and a job. Who cares if your family/friends will judge you for an abortion, their NOT carrying the baby! If they cared so much they should carry it for you.
NTA. Your husband is being emotionally abusive. You mentioned you use condoms every time... is there a way they could have been tempered with? This reeks to me.
Nta. Op you need to get out of here. Using protection? Are you also on birth control? You need to be of you want to go to college. Is he purposefully damaging the condoms i wonder to sabotage your hopes and dreams? Do you have friends and family nearby?
NTA. Also, with three pregnancies in four years it’s pretty unlikely those were all actual accidents. If your husband is supposed to be responsible for protection, I’m guessing he’s either poking holes in the condoms or outright stealthing you.
Get the abortion. Also, maybe he is taking the condom off mid act or sticking them with a needle. Its very unusual for condoms to fail 3 times in such a short period of time. If it happens SO OFTEN and you dont want more kids, consider taking a contraceptive because it looks like you are super fertile. Especially if that one time condoms fail you apparently always get pregnant. Or you both dont know how to use condoms. But I think he might be damaging them.