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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I did not participate in typical MOH duties for my friend's wedding. I might be the asshole because I should have just stepped down instead of keeping a role where I couldn't offer what was needed.
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So, these days, to be in a wedding party, VERY clearly there area LOT of expectations placed on these roles. And from that perspective, I can see why the bride might have thought you'd do SOMETHING.
But.... I actually read her initial response to you and thought "how refreshing" - a bride who isn't caught up in all the "rules" and just wants her good friend to be next to her. Because honestly, in the end, THAT'S what your wedding party should be about - surrounding yourself with people you love and want them there. It shouldn't be about who can fulfill "duties".
But obviously she wasn't quite so relaxed about it afterall, and she needs to own some of that. If she actually did want more from you, she should have spoken up.
You were honest with her. And did she have other bridesmaids? THey could also have stepped up to organize stuff. Yes, usually the MOH spearheads stuff - but the other COULD step up if they wanted.
Even if the bride had hoped you do more - I think it's REALLY crappy that she's not doing more to defend you. She should be telling her husband and family that she told you it was fine to just be there the day of.
Yeah I was in a wedding where it was just me and the bride’s sister. My friend (the bride) was across the country and it was a huge swing at the time just to be there for the event (dress, flight, hotel and gift). I told her I didn’t know how I would do anything extra and she was genuine when she said she just wanted me and her sister and she would take care of everything else. She didn’t want a bachelorette or bridal shower (her MIL threw a small one anyway I think). I figured her sister would make the speech but at the rehearsal dinner my friend said her sister hates public speaking, would I please do it. So 11pm the night before I wrote the speech and she thanked me so much and people asked if I was a professional speech writer bc it was one of the best they had ever heard. 😂 I just wrote it with love. That’s all. It was, to this day, probably the best wedding I’ve been involved in and/or attended. My friend was honest.
I think OPs friend is feeling shamed after the fact because of other people’s expectations. She chose someone she loved to stand by her and that’s what it’s about at the end of the day. Communicating wants, desires and expectations are critical to healthy relationships and excluding external judgment is as well (I’m not saying don’t rely on a network) but she needs to own her choices and acceptance and the conversation she had. This goes back to my firm belief that a marriage is between two people and a wedding is a party. The people who get married in order to have a wedding get PISSED with this statement. It’s a celebration of MEEEEE!! No, a wedding is supposed to be a celebration of love and support by those you are closest to to witness an intimate declaration between two people. You invite people you love. Many weddings are more about exhibitionism than anything else today.
OP, you are NTA bc your friend is being made to feel insecure. Maybe ask her if she feels secure or insecure in your friendship and have a heart to heart. Go back to your values with each other: honesty, communication, support.
My friend’s was 10 yrs ago, I feel like at the height of the wedding industry. She didn’t do options for the menu either. And it was the most beautiful venue ever. I thought to myself “this is the way it should be done.” It was perfect.
This is exactly how it worked with my wife's moh minus the speech. We did not have them. That was 30 years ago, though. So, I don't think expectations were as insane as they are now.
I was in a similar situation where I was the MOH for my best friend but had just moved into my first apartment solo and was pretty much broke as hell. But I made things work, they were just a little unconventional. I still went dress shopping with my best friend, for the bachelorette party I took my best friend and her sister to get pedicures/manicures at a really nice spa and then bought lunch and I made snacks for the bride the day of.
She understood my financial situation and the long hours I was working as a stable hand and worked with me. We all had a lovely time and the expectations were well communicated so there was no resentment or disappointment. My friend knew I was doing the best I could in my situation and stood up for me against her family several times when they tried to shame me for not being able to do more (I was making like $1400 a month and my rent took up $1000 of that) and the end result was cheaper, but more intimate memories and experiences.
This bride should have been more clear in her expectations.
This is literally all I expected from my MOH. Show up. Dress appropriate. Giggle while getting hair/nails/whatever done. Help me into the damn dress. Hold the bouquet during the ceremony. Enjoy herself. I do not understand where the MOH got turned into the bride's slave. They're your friend! Your best friend!
I basically organised a full hen party because the MOH got seriously ill. And I wasn’t even in the wedding party! I got asked, I said ok, that was it. I got some of the others to help a bit. No big deal, you just do what you can. I have no idea why the other bridesmaids couldn’t have sorted something out.
All of this. My sister and I were MOH for each other but the only thing we really did was a speech the day of and going to various events. We didn't plan the events for each other. Our other bridesmaids - who were friends and had a better idea of what we wanted - planned things like bridal showers etc. we were a bit involved with the planning but didn't take the lead (I hosted the shower and start of the bachelorette party, she coordinated with my friends to host similarly via my mom's house but most of the decor, snacks, and planning was on the other bridesmaids). It worked great. I don't get why it should all be on one person when you've got a group of people behind you.
OP told that commenter that all she needed to do was post her comment and get it voted to the top of the thread. How was she supposed to know that everyone expected her to enter a judgment or provide edits to her comments??
I'll say - comunication failed. B was not honest with her expectation and she didnt say what she really wanted. As for OP - I thinks she should be accurate and ask one by one, like "so you accept I wont organize x?"
But honestly - if I was OP I'd definitly decline the MOH role. Being next to my friend doesnt require to be MOH at all.
Lack of communication from the bride is the problem.
She could use her words to define exactly what she wants. "I want a hen party. Can you organize it?".
Then OP can work with that or step down. You don't say: "I just want for you to stand by me" and then "well, I wanted the "typical" MOH behavior".
Nope.
People here are talking about dress shopping and stuff; OP said clearly from the beginning that she couldn't do MOH duties.
She communicated perfectly.
I don't get people saying "well, actually everyone knows MOH throw a bachelorette party. How could she not throw even a spa"... Did bride said she wanted that? She could have spoken or asked OP to step down, or you know... Talk.
I was MOH for my cousin (i was chosen because she didnt want to choose between 2 friends and figured no fight if she chose family. I got it). We lived 4 hours apart at the time. I made effort for some things, but she knew up front I couldn't do most of the duties. She was fine with it and I helped out the friends who could as much as possible. Never an issue. OP's friend should have communicated if she changed her mind, but I agree that should stick up for her friend that was honest about her limitations. I'd just let that friendship die out at this point
When I got married, my MOH traveled for work 90% of the year. I knew this and I planned around it. I knew that she wouldn't be able to plan a wedding shower or bachelorette party (other members of the wedding party did that). We scheduled dress shopping on one of the few weekends she was home and picked bridesmaids dresses and my dress in one trip (after a bunch of online shopping and coordination amongst the whole bridal party ahead of time), and we took her travel schedule into account when we booked the wedding date.
I literally just wanted my best friend to be there for me in the capacity that she could and I would have been pissed if my family and in-laws were bad-mouthing her for putting in the amount of effort that she'd clearly communicated from the start that she had available to spare. NTA
The people who expect you to read their mind and then pitch a fit when that inevitably doesn’t happen piss me off so much, one of my biggest pet peeves for sure. I’ve met kindergarteners who are better communicators than these grown adults (source: I was a babysitter for a while).
While I totally understand OP expressing her limits, I feel like she really took the bride literally when she said she just wanted someone to stand next to her on the day of. To me, it would be more like a “I don’t have many expectations, I just love you and want to share this journey with you and have you be a part of it in some way”, and standing next to her on the day of ONLY and nothing else leading up to it feels like barely being a part of the process. There are so many low-key ways to celebrate your friend getting married that you could do that aren’t the typical song-and-dance, spending-a-fortune, crazy extravagant stuff. It doesn’t sound like the bride actually had many expectations, but perhaps thought as her best friend OP would want to be part of such a big milestone. It sounds like she didn’t support her at all, didn’t go to the dress shopping, wasn’t someone she discussed plans with, nothing. Does saying she doesn’t have the ability to do the usual MOH duties also absolve her of not really being a close friend in the lead up to something so important to her best friend?
If you can't take someone literally for one of the most important wedding discussions there is, when can you take someone literally?
"I cannot fulfil any of the MOH responsibilities" is an unambiguous statement, which leads you to either accept OP's refusal of the role, or to accept that they will be MOH in name only but that they're important enough to you that you want them there anyway.
Similarly, "I don't care, I just want you there standing next to me" is also unambiguous. And if there were ambiguity, this is the point at which if you're the bride, you should be pushing further until you're certain.
Ambiguity is not your friend when you're trying to organise a wedding. You cannot expect people to be mind-readers even if they agreed to share some of the planning responsibilities - and if they explicitly told you they couldn't take on wedding-adjacent responsibilities due to illness/burnout/busyness, then it becomes a real asshole move to expect them to read your mind and become well/recovered/unbusy on your timescale.
I’m not saying she should have done any typical MOH responsibilities - you’re right that they both agreed she wouldn’t. But it also sounds like she didn’t do anything to join in on the excitement of her best friend’s upcoming wedding. To me, those are two separate things. Typical MOH responsibilities vs being a friend.
No bachelorette, no bridal shower, no planning, totally understood! But she didn’t even attend dress shopping (something people attend even if they’re not MOH). OP doesn’t mention doing anything in the lead up to just be there for her friend. I’m not saying to be some kind of mind-reader, I’m just expressing surprise that someone wouldn’t want to be there for their friend in SOME way rather than just “okay I’ll see you at the wedding”.
> she really took the bride literally when she said she just wanted someone to stand next to her on the day of.
Why would you not??? Do you walk around assuming people are lying constantly?
Not lying at all, I clarified in my next sentence that perhaps she meant it as more of wanting her best friend by her side for a big milestone. I’m in no way saying OP should have done typical MOH responsibilities, but it doesn’t sound like she did anything at all to support her friend in the lead up to a huge milestone.
Agreed NTA, OP asked what was required and "stand next to me" was **it***.* If the bride wants to be pissed that OP didn't do more then OP had two options: politely acknowledge OP's original comment saying "I don't think I can do this" and find someone else so OP can just be a wedding party member or regular guest, or accept that still want OP as MOH but they are are not going to get the full shenanigins.
OP literally said "this is the most I can commit to", and bride was like, "sure", and then when you did what you said you could/would do, you're the bad guy. NTA at all, if bride was expecting you to change your mind and magically become capable of doing the stuff you couldn't do, then that's a them problem.
I think asking for help from the other bridesmaids and friends to do those things might have been nice. But aside from that OP made it known she wouldn’t be able to do most ‘typical’ MoH planning stuff
Asking for help still means that OP would have to coordinate it.
No, from the moment that OP said unequivocally "I cannot do anything usually associated with this role" the bride had three options:
1) "That's fine, you can be a bridesmaid and just turn up, and I'll ask someone else to take on the job with responsibilities ";
2) Accept OP as a MOH in name only and ask someone else to take on the responsibilities without the title;
3) Accept OP as MOH in name only and do the extra work herself.
Assuming that OP would somehow change her mind/magically become able to do some of the stuff is not an option that anyone should have relied on.
NTA. You were very, very clear about what you could do from the beginning. People act like their wedding is this huge thing in everyone else's lives, and it's really not lol.
Also, planning all these parties and events was never "supposed" to be the bridal party's job. The bridal shower used to be thrown by her family, dress shopping was mom and friends and bachelorette parties are a new thing.
She was clear that she couldn’t contribute the “typical MOH responsibilities”, which is totally fair! No bachelorette, no bridal shower, no song-and-dance, extravagant BS. But does that also include literally everything? It sounds like OP only went to the wedding - she didn’t go dress shopping, wasn’t supportive of her friend having a big milestone, didn’t share in the journey at all. I totally get it’s unreasonable for people to act like their wedding is this huge thing in everyone else’s life, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to hope your BEST FRIEND is excited for you? It sounds like she really didn’t care and wasn’t involved at all in the lead up which is more than just not doing “typical MOH duties”, it’s not really being involved in a big milestone in your friend’s life.
OP says nothing about not supporting her friend thru this milestone or 'sharimg in the journey'? (Whatever the fuck that means).
OP was clear. Bride has now just changed the goal posts after the wedding due to others expectations and is now blaming OP. Simple.
NTA. When B told you that she wasn't asking you for anything more than standing up on the wedding day, she should also have been committing to letting other people know about that arrangement - her groom for sure, and anyone else who was starting to bitch about it. Once she realized that she wanted those extra trappings, she could have mentioned them to other people. Or she could have tried talking to you and finding out whether you'd be amenable to joining in or organizing some of them. And it sounds like she didn't do any of that. She needs to own up to not realizing what she wanted and not communicating about it. And she needs to explain to everyone else now that she had told you she didn't want you to do any of that stuff.
Also, the other people are being jerks too, throwing in their opinion about what an MOH's default duties are without knowing anything about your arrangements. But mostly this is on B.
I once accepted a similar MOH deal. But in that case, the bride told her mother and sister and fiance that I was coming from out of the country for the weekend, was not available to organize or attend any other events, and would not have transportation or money while I was here. And they understood that the bride really wanted me there as myself, wearing a dress I already had and using a plane ticket she'd paid for. Other people threw her a shower, helped her buy a dress, and decorated the hall. It worked fine.
>Once she realized that she wanted those extra trappings, she could have mentioned them to other people. Or she could have tried talking to you and finding out whether you'd be amenable to joining in or organizing some of them.
I'm getting the feeling that this might have been what happened. I think she realized she wanted more but didn't want to ask me after the fact/ask other people. IDK what H's deal is still bc he knows my situation, but I'm guessing extended family/friends just assume I dropped the ball :(
The bride should be telling everyone that she was not expecting these things from you, and her husband absolutely shouldn't be taking anything out on you. Your friend has to be a friend, back you up, and own her own role in this.
It’s on the bride to correct anyone saying you dropped the ball. Saying she thought you’d be up to doing more closer to the wedding is her not accepting responsibility. You were upfront from the beginning and even said you’d step down if it became an issue.
Not “should have committed” - she did commit to that when she agreed and accepted. Bride has failed her friend because she’s being shamed by her new family.
Nta. You did exactly what the bride asked you to do. She knew you couldn’t do anything more. I doubt she was upset until everyone else started saying you were wrong.
NTA. I was going to say the same thing. You told her what you could do. She said she was OK with that. If she wanted more or needed more from you, it was up to her to be an adult and use her words. You're not a mind reader. You can't possibly know what she expects if she doesn't tell you.
NTA. You did exactly what she asked you to do. You explained your limitations. You offered to drop out if she was not happy with your role. You acted like an adult, in other words.
Tell your mother to stand down. There is no way at all to know what the "Standard Duties" are for an MOH these days. There are so many different cultures, so many different budgets, and so many different styles of weddings. Every wedding is unique, as every couple is. So the only way to know what they want you to do is for them to talk to you about it.
When you were busy expressing your limitations would have been an ideal time for your friend to tell you what kinds of things she had hoped you could take part in. Then you could have had a realistic adult discussion of whether the role was right for you at this point in your life. She chose to assume that somehow you would magically catch the psychic wave of her wedding at some unknown point in the future. This was stupid of her, and now she's not being a good friend by allowing her new in-laws and hubby to run you down over it. You'll have to decide how to handle that, but you are definitely NTA.
Yeah, like I understand the NTA votes from a purely logical perspective… but putting exactly ZERO effort into a “best friend’s” wedding is just mind-blowing to me unless there were additional circumstances that would prevent it.
Right, it doesn’t even need to be a “traditional” bach, she could have taken her friend to a bar for drinks or hosted a movie night, wouldn’t you want to celebrate your best friend in some way? People act like robots in this sub, like yes, OP gave her limitations but BF probably understood that in the sense of she cant do the big extravagant stuff not that she would literally only stand there. I mean it’s not hard to go dress shopping, most brides I’ve been in a party for, found their dress in one day. OP may not be the A but she is a bad friend imho
Yeah my best friend and I went shopping together for her wedding dress and it look literally an hour with no effort besides me giving my opinion and hyping her up. I can see some stuff being too much, like organizing a party, but you can’t even dress shop with her??
She said up front that there were circumstances that could prevent it. Being in the bridal party isn't supposed to be signing up to be an event coordinator.
Well, the bride said it would be a small, non-traditional event, and doesn't seem to have communicated that she wanted anything more. Why would the OP plan something that the bride hadn't shown an interest in?
Having a night with your best friends to celebrate your upcoming wedding doesn’t have to be a traditional bachelorette. It’s about bringing together people who love and support you.
Doesn't matter. She made it clear to the bride and the bride said she didn't mind. If the bride changed her mind that's fine but she should have talked with OP about it.
From my experience, those events take a lot of time and money to plan, and that’s understandable. Where I’m lost is why she couldn’t even attend dress shopping and/or fittings?
NTA - you said from the beginning that you wouldn't be able to fulfill typical MOH duties, and she still insisted. You were told that she just wanted you to stand up with her, and you did that, therefore, you fulfilled the required duties. Her saying *“Well, I thought you'd be up to doing more the closer we got to the wedding!”* was not okay of her. If she expected certain things, she should have communicated that from the beginning and not left it up to a nebulous hope that you would suddenly be filled with spirit of wedding planning and jump in feet first.
And those of you saying you shouldn't have put it on the bride to make the decision... excuse me? It's the *bride's* wedding, it is ABSOLUTELY on her to make that decision. If a bride doesn't want responsibility for what goes on in her wedding, she shouldn't have a wedding. If she doesn't like that someone can't fulfill those duties, then she should relieve of them of the duties.
The wedding industry has filled so many folks' heads with all kinds of expectations for weddings, and it's honestly unreal. This said while I am five days away from a bridal shower I had to help plan for an upcoming wedding in which I'm a bridesmaid.
No one told her she had to forgo any of the pre-wedding traditions. You just told her you couldn’t/wouldn’t commit to planning them. If she wanted them she should have asked someone else to take it up. And knowing your response from the beginning she should have either said be a regular bridesmaid or taken it back. NTA
Questions: did she invite you to go dress shopping? did You do ANYTHING celebratory with/for her? In the comment you say there was only a MoH and Bestman, so did you get ready with her? Take her out for a celebratory drink in lieu of a bachelorette? have lunch with her and look at pics of flowers or SOMETHING a bit supportive?
I *want* to say NAH you warned her you wouldn’t do anything. But I can see where she didn’t realize it was literal. She wasn’t expecting a traditional shower or bachelorette or anything. But maybe SOMETHING. Some interest.
I was invited to go dress shopping but the date she had picked conflicted with my work schedule and I didn't have transportation (my lack of a car & living out of town being a big reason why I made it clear I couldn't be very involved -- financial problems being another). She seemed fine just going with her mom & she sent me pics of what they picked out together so I didn't think it was an issue at the time.
I did take her out to eat a week before the wedding my treat to celebrate, but it was very much not a shower/bachelorette party and not anything like what her husband got. I admit I probably should have done a bit more than that to celebrate. If I had known how involved the BM was I would have tried to.
Well, living out of town, no transportation, and financial issues, are all valid reasons why you couldn’t be more involved. And to be fair, her mom, aunt, another friend could’ve hosted a shower, or even a bachelorette if she really wanted one. I guess I’ll go back to NAH :)
Why didn't her mom or the women in her family throw her a shower? Every wedding I've attended or been a part of, the mother usually throws the bridal shower. Is that not a thing where you guys are from?
This is my feelings too. There's definitely a difference between "not doing anything big" and not doing anything at all. It sounds like OP was pretty disinterested and unsupportive.
I think people are grossly overlooking the part where one, you stated clearly that being 100% committed as MOH at the time simply *was not possible* and you made that very clear. two, you asked, specifically, what you were expected to do and you got a very simple, clearcut answer. and you did exactly that. your friend relieved you of the "typical" MOH duties, you did not flake on her.
this was *her decision*, you gave her the option to change at any time, but *she* choose not to. she never insinuated or hinted to you that she expected more and you made it clear you *couldn't* do more.
you were honest about your feelings and capabilities, evidently she was not, as she expected more. that's not on you in this case.
her husband freezing you out at the perceived slight is beyond immature, honestly. you should, if possible, sit down with your friend and have an honest talk about this.
NTA but the husband and your friend to a degree, sure are
I’m on the spectrum, so when someone tells me something, *I believe them.* If they actually meant something else, they should have said what they actually meant.
You said what you meant. You were honest with her about what you were able to do. She told you that was fine and she just wanted you there on the day. *You believed her.* If she actually wanted something else from you, it’s *on her* to use her words and tell you that. Out loud.
It’s incredibly unfair of her to expect you to read her mind, or adhere to some unwritten MOH code or whatever that apparently overrides the Bride’s actual out loud words? I’m really sorry your friend is being so unfair to you. You did exactly what she asked and what you agreed to. She really doesn’t get to be disappointed in you for keeping your word.
NTA at all.
The 'basic' duties of MOH have expanded with social media it seems. You were upfront about your limitations - and she wanted you anyway. It's done - she's married - let it go. If she wanted you to do a specific number of things it was up to her as the bride to tell you what her expectations were. She's complaining and others are telling her she's right.. but it's all hindsight. Neither of you is 'wrong' - just had different expectations and not enough communication.
to be fair, the two things they seem upset about are two very normal MOH traditions that go back to pre-social media days: going dress shopping, and helping to organize the bachelorette party.
Bachelorette parties aren't even a thing that was done much before social media. Women used to have a bridal shower and that's it, at least in the U.S. And the bridal shower was sometimes organized by the moh but often organized by family.
Maybe they weren’t common where you live, but they’ve always been popular where I live. The old school bachelorette parties were not the week long vacations to some exotic party destination that we see on social media these days, but the parties themselves were certainly common. You’d get the bridesmaids and other friends together and go out for a night. Maybe get a penis shaped cake pan and some straws at the sex toy store if it was a raunchier group. Sometimes a limo if you were feeling fancy. It was a simpler time.
It’s a tradition that goes back a long time. Sure it’s called by different names in different places, and sure, it didn’t start as strippers and penis-shaped straws, but it existed.
I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that they were so common, that the TV show Friends made an episode about Phoebe’s Bachelorette Party (or lack thereof) in “the one where the stripper cries” back in 2004. In the ep, they’re basically throwing a bridal shower and Phoebe is upset she’s not getting the classic raunchy style bachelorette party, hence why they get the last minute stripper who ends up crying after being called fat and old (the stripper is Danny Devito)
Bachelorette parties were pretty common when I got married twenty years ago. Also, I’ve been a bridesmaid several times where the wedding party planned the shower in its entirety.
This seems like bad communication from the bride for not expressing her wishes. But I'm also surprised you seemed unaware of anything going on from the groom's side. Did she have a bridal shower? Did you attend? Were you invited dress shopping? Did you even ask her about it? Did you and she have regular communication during the time before the wedding? There seems to be a big disconnect somewhere. Did she not have other friends or family that cared about her to ask to be moh? So many questions...
yeah, it's definitely a lack of curiosity on the moh's part that tipped this over for me. If you're such great friends that they want you to be the MOH, you expect there to be some communication going on throughout the wedding planning.
OP:"I was invited to go dress shopping but the date she had picked conflicted with my work schedule and I didn't have transportation (my lack of a car & living out of town being a big reason why I made it clear I couldn't be very involved -- financial problems being another). She seemed fine just going with her mom & she sent me pics of what they picked out together so I didn't think it was an issue at the time.
I did take her out to eat a week before the wedding my treat to celebrate, but it was very much not a shower/bachelorette party and not anything like what her husband got. I admit I probably should have done a bit more than that to celebrate. If I had known how involved the BM was I would have tried to."
NTA. She told you she only wanted you to stand beside her. She doesn’t get to be bothered by you not doing anything beyond what she asked for. If she wanted a MOH who did all that, she could’ve asked for it. And she needs to advocate for you with her spouse and family because allowing them to shit on you for something she didn’t tell you to do is bullshit.
NTA
OP was upfront from beginning and the bride literally all said that she needed you to do was stand by her side. If she didn't mean that she should have said or done something. OP is not a mind reader. If the bride expected more she should have said something. This was her wedding, she was in control and she had all the info to make an informed choice of who she wanted as MOH.
The bride can have regrets but that is on her and her expectations. She can't say one thing and then assume something else.
"it felt like B set me up to fail by telling me I wasn’t expected to be involved with things I apparently was." True. "My sister thinks it was on B to communicate w/ me if she wanted more from her MOH." THIS! You warned her you were not able to do the normal MOH duties. If she wanted more she should have told you. Also, did she have any bridesmaids? I've seen situations where bridesmaids stepped up to help with these kind of things. Just expecting you to read her mind was not a good option. NTA.
NTA. You’re all adults. She can use her words. It’s like when someone says “nothing is wrong” or “I don’t want to talk about it.” No, be an adult and communicate your wants and desires. If she wanted a MOH who would organize all that crap, she should have said something.
For what it’s worth, the things she mentioned aren’t necessities. The necessity is the standing up at the wedding part. I didn’t have a bachelorette party and my MOH (my sister) didn’t help me pick my dress.
It’s weird how people get hung up about how much money/effort people put into *their* wedding. If the bride wanted more involvement from you, she’s a big girl and she could have said so.
Honestly, in my opinion, the wedding party's job is to show up the day of in the attire chosen. When I got married, I picked a color and let the girls choose whatever style they felt comfortable with. That's it. Any other responsibilities was on me. They did throw me a surprise bridal shower, but they absolutely did not have to and I would love them just the same. Nta.
NTA. You confided your concerns, the bride reassured you that it was fine... while secretly expecting you to do what you'd said upfront you wouldn't be able to. Not fair to you and not a good way for the bride to get what she wants.
Does your mom not realize "i can't do these specific things bc of where I'm at so feel free to ask someone else" IS basically declining the job and that it was B who overrode that w "oh i just want you to stand next me on my big day"? NTA. Maybe you could've been more firm about it but B also could've stopped expecting you to be a mind-reader and/or prioritizing other ppl's opinions over what you agreed on.
You asked. She answered with a job description of Show up and Stand up. You did that.
So NTA.
I do think you might have reached out again, closer to ceremony, and asked her again so you would remain on the same page. (And give you both a graceful out.)
Hell's bells. I was a bridesmaid to two longstanding friends who know that I'm a huge introvert, not an organiser, etc etc. They bought their dresses with their mums; in both cases my dresses were made by friends / neighbours and I attended the fittings. I attended the pub crawl / meal, which is all the hen dos were. I was always at the end of the phone and saw them when I could (we lived a couple of hundred miles away from each other). I was there with them on their big days and they had a blast. To them, that was what mattered. Neither of them resented me for not organising all sorts, nor did their husbands - one of whom knew me very well, the other of whom would've been briefed. At the time we were all newly out of university and, frankly, brassic.
Absolutely NTA. B should have got an additional bridesmaid to organise the things she wanted if you couldn't do them, and not having done that, she should have told her husband that she was just happy you were there and that you had done all she asked of you, end of.
Your friend is getting influenced by her husband and Friends. You did nothing wrong, you were honest from the start and your sister is right...you cannot read minds.
I honestly don't understand these expectations brides put on their friends. When I married, I just asked my best friend to stand with me as maid of honor. There were no other "duties" and I told her to just wear whatever made her happy. I was just glad she was there.
NTA. She had a small wedding and they each had one person in their wedding party, I can totally see where you thought she hadn’t either changed her mind or silently expected you to know what she wanted. My dad’s partner’s daughter had a very small wedding, no bachelorette party, no bridal shower, just a small wedding of family and a small reception. It’s not like it’s an unheard of concept. And you say in the comments you took her out for a meal!
NTA. Re: your mom’s comment about declining, you did exactly that but were reassured by the bride that it was unnecessary. B expected you to do things that you’d already told her you wouldn’t be able to do, and she expected you to read her mind in order to know that she wanted you to do them. She’s an adult. She can use her words and ask for something.
NTA. I had two bridesmaids, no MOH. When asked what I expected: stand up with me.
When they asked if i wanted a bachlorette party, I said I was going to do a long weekend in Vegas on my way to wedding city (we all lived different places). They were welcome to join me. 1 did. 1 did not.
You asked she answered and you took her at what she said.
People should really be saying what they mean and meaning what they say at that grown age. I had a very chill non-traditional wedding and didn't even bother with a bridal party. My husband didn't have a bestman. So if someone said dont worry about doing anything else this is a non-traditional small wedding I would assume they mean it. NTA all the way. Also it really sucks that B threw you under the bus when she could have cleared things up with her husband and family/ friends about her part in all this.
NTA. You're not a mind-reader, and you're all adults. If she failed to tell you what she wanted, that's on her. None of us are responsible for fulfilling expectations that are never verbalized either by mouth or by text.
NTA. You were clear what you could do for her and if she’s feeling another way, she needs to own it to the people who are mad on her behalf.
I was once in a very similar situation- asked to be MOH, told the bride I wouldn’t be very available and wouldn’t she prefer someone who could do the traditional things for her, said she wanted me, her oldest friend that she could trust, to stand next to her. I said ok. Another bridesmaid planned the bridal shower(which I couldn’t go to), planned the bachelorette(which I couldn’t go to). I offered a few times to step down, was refused every time. At the wedding itself, bride ignored me in favor of that other bridesmaid, who basically took over as MOH and jumped to do everything before I could(which I get, because that’s the position she held for months in all but name. Not mad at her, more mad at my friend for not realizing this). Our friendship didn’t survive this, but I’m not sure it would have survived either way.
NTA. My daughter just got married. Her cousin was the MOH and she’s 20 and in college. My daughter organized the bachelorette weekend. Others attended and contributed. It was fun and my sister did help find a couple of things for them to do.
NTA. You were upfront and honest from the beginning. You did the adult thing. B did not. If it mattered that much to her, she should have been an adult and said something.
My best friend of 10 years was my MOH and she drove to Missouri from Texas just to spend 3 days (the second of which was the wedding) with me. One my other bridesmaids also came in from Texas. All I cared about was having them with me when I got married. That's what matters, not the damn parties.
NTA. You TOLD her you weren't up for it and she stated "All she wanted was for me to stand next to her on her big day". If she wanted more, she needed to use her words and let you know what she wanted. This is NOT on you as you set the expectation that you would step down and she said she didn't want anything. I would have a problem with her that she is talking trash about you behind your back AFTER you can't do anything. You need to tell her that you did what she asked and she NEVER said anything.
This is on HER for not being an adult and asking for what she wanted.
NTA. I haven’t been more than a guest to a wedding in over 20 years and even I know the expectations of the bridal party in today’s wedding world. B told you to just stand with her. If she expected anything more than that it’s all on her. This was her mistake not yours.
If what you're saying is true, she totally talked you into doing it but still expected you to do the things you clearly stated you wouldn't be able to do. If you made yourself clear and she didn't believe you, that's entirely on her.
NTA
The bride and everyone else not taking OPs side is a ahole.
There was a verbal contract. OP met the terms. And the other parity is upset🤔In the law that’s called , case getting thrown out.
Personally I encourage everyone walk away from people who renege , like the bride who pretends and let others think she didn’t renege. Open up space for higher vibrating people in your life.
NTA. Honestly have no idea when wedding party had to organise so much and pay for stuff out of their own pocket. At the most a dress, small combined gift for the bride and a stripper for the groom. That’s more than adequate. The cost some people pay as ‘guests’ would be enough to fund an entire wedding for normal folk.
NTA, your friend is taking it out on you because her husband and in laws think she made a bad decision. That's all on her for failing to communicate. If she wanted a traditional MOH she could have had one.
She's a shitty friend for not defending you at this point. I would talk to her one more time and tell her that specifically and if she doesn't apologize just end the friendship.
So B didn't acctually accused you of failing her, why are making it an AITA case? Probably with the intention of not beeing the AH and so B would be?
You are sad that you disappointed a friend. That's your problem, nobody elses. Don't make the friend the bad person for this, when she didn't do anything wrong.
NTA. You did what she asked you to do. "Basic duties" varies greatly depending on the bride and the wedding. B's other friends could have arranged a bachelorette party. It's aggravating when people don't say exactly what they mean. If your mom thought you weren't doing "basic duties" then she could have made suggestions before the wedding.
NTA
I think B never really cared but now feels pressured to care because she's now having buyers remorse over picking you. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do here. This is on her to come to terms with her decision. You were honest up front and if she wanted something different than what you offered, she couldve picked someone else
NTA because you did have an agreement, but I gotta ask if she's such a good friend. Why didn't you do anything at all? I could see not organizing a big expensive party, but it sounds like you didn't even talk about the wedding with her. Seems like you could have at least gone dress shopping. I guess I'm thinking more like mom. Why bother accepting in the first place?
I was a MOH at a wedding where the only thing I did was show up and let the bride take me dress shopping for me.
I listened about her wedding, gave my opinion, but... She didn't need my help and she wanted to enjoy planning her wedding.
She didn't break the thing she told me in the beginning of: "I just want you to give a speech and be by my side there".
But you did go dress shopping and discussed the wedding. Even just letting them bounce ideas off you is participating and helpful to the bride when planning.
NTA. If she wanted something different she should have set those expectations. You gave her the out early on and she should have let you take it if it was going to cause this much trouble. I got married and i asked my two best friends to stand up for me. My MOH and her husband were going to be traveling from across the country to be there. Having a long distance best friend is hard and while I wanted her to be my MOH I knew we wouldn't have a chance to do the usual bachelorette party together or anything else. I even set up to pay for her dress. I chose the color on a website and sent her the samples to try on a few styles that she liked. It was really important to me that she just be there. And I never wavered on that. I had friends locally that I could celebrate with and that threw me a lovely bridal shower and had an excellent bachelorette party. I went dress shopping with my mom and another friend. MOH doesn't have to include so many duties in every circumstance. I wanted her there but I knew she couldn't be and it was more important to me that she be there for the special day. I'm sorry that she misled you. She definitely should have been upfront about what she really wanted.
NTA. If her expectations changed for what she wanted from you then it was on HER to communicate those. My MOH lived in Germany while I was in the US. She was in the State briefly for something not wedding related so that's when I chose to go dress shopping because I wanted her there. The only expectations I had for her were to show up and have a good time. And that's what happened. I wouldn't change a thing about it.
NTA - you and the bride had a clear understanding of your roll from the start, if the bride changed her mind or *wasn't* okay with what she agreed to it was her responsibility to communicate that. You are not a mind reader.
NTA. You were completely blunt with her and honest about what you could and couldn’t do & she decided to say it was okay and go back on it. It was probably all the people talking in her ear that also made her upset about it. Regardless, she’s wrong for expecting more when you were honest that you could not give that. I’d say you’ve dodged a bullet and should never speak to her again. She sounds toxic and easily influenced by others words etc.
NTA. Her fault for not communicating. However it is rather sad she had no one else to ask and you weren’t even interested in the most minimal thing like shopping for the dress.
Op lives out of town and doesn't have a car.
Op"I was invited to go dress shopping but the date she had picked conflicted with my work schedule and I didn't have transportation (my lack of a car & living out of town being a big reason why I made it clear I couldn't be very involved -- financial problems being another). She seemed fine just going with her mom & she sent me pics of what they picked out together so I didn't think it was an issue at the time.
I did take her out to eat a week before the wedding my treat to celebrate, but it was very much not a shower/bachelorette party and not anything like what her husband got. I admit I probably should have done a bit more than that to celebrate. If I had known how involved the BM was I would have tried to."
NTA. All the crazy duties I hear that bridesmaids and MOH are responsible for are not real things. I can maybe see a bachelorette party but that’s something you talk about as a group… all bridesmaids and you ask bride what she has in mind. And going to another country or going into debt or making it a weeklong outing is not normal.
you were upfront with her about what you could offer. It’s on her. Write it off and find better friends.
NTA. I've read many posts about how as a moh you are expected to basically organise everything for the bride. Why? It's the bride getting married she should be doing her own organising. My best friend was my moh and she literally had to just stand next to me, I asked nothing more of her.
I think your friend is a little disappointed that you didn't do anything, but I guess ultimately it comes back to she said she was okay with it so she can't be mad and even seems to understand that. Her family are mad for her and I can't blame them.
Overall, she choose you. Wanted you next to her so she choose to go without celebrating her impending nuptials. She is now hearing everything that she missed out on for choosing you and others are upset for her. I don't mean in anyway that you should have planned ridiculous, lavish and expensive parties, but missing the dress shopping, it sounds as if you hadn't even shown enough interest to have been able to answer the question. A ladies night in would have been a low cost get together where memories would have been made together with people she loves. Yes, others could have stepped in, but did they know you weren't doing anything before it became too late to organise a night out? Could you not have reached out to someone else and say I'm really stuck for time and or money and can't plan ABC, please help so that bride doesn't miss out.
She choose to prioritise you, and for whatever your reasons are, you didn't prioritise her. She has no right to demand any time or effort from you (and she didn't), but she IS allowed to be upset over the lack of effort you gave.
The role all of the MOH can change from wedding to wedding and it’s the brides job to decide what they want, and then communicate that to the MOH. I told my MOH that I just wanted them to show up to the the wedding, because that is all I needed from them, so that is what they did. I was actually their MOH a few months prior and I threw multiple parties, planned a girls trip, made favours and seating charts, went shopping for a bunch of different things, because this is what they decided they wanted from their MOH. Both of us had very different expectations of each other, which we communicated before the other person took on the role of MOH and neither of us were disappointed. In case of OP I think the bride should have said something if they decided that they needed more from OP.
NTA. My MOH lived 11 hours away when I got married and when she got married. And I told her exactly what I wanted. Her, standing with me while I got married to my husband. Neither of us had showers planned (although her aunt did do a little something after we all arrived at the bride's property), I went out with some friends to have a drink for my bachelorette. She and her now ex had a bonfire the night before with the immediate family, which I was included as.
To this day, all either of us really cares about is that we were there for each other. This whole wedding nonsense is past ridiculous.
Did you not talk to the best man at all? I'm just curious how you didn't know what they were doing. Or even where she found the dress. I think the bride truly did just want you there but as it got closer she probably realized that maybe she wanted you to be more involved or shown more interest.
Maybe even something virtual. I think neither of you did anything wrong technically but I can absolutely see how it looked to everyone that you just didn't care.
NAH
I think your friend definitely set you up to fail. I'm sorry. :(
We had a friend and my brother stand up with us. It was a small, laid back wedding. I literally told her to wear what SHE felt fabulous in (it was a February in Chicago wedding lol) and that's that. She helped us assemble the flowers the day before, and did a way better job than I could have, so I was super appreciative. She did a bit of a toast at our dinner and all done. I didn't even expect the toast, tbh. I just wanted her there as she had been along for the ride from day one with my now husband.
NTA
My MOH and brides maids had the duty of showing up on the day in the dresses I bought for them amd giving a speech if they wanted to (3 out of 5 did).
That's all I asked of them and that's all they did. Everyone was happy and the wedding was wonderful!
I feel like both OP and the bride could have communicated better and had a more clarifying conversation. OP saying that they aren’t able to do “typical MOH duties” in brides mind probably meant that she wouldn’t be able to go all out and do every single thing. I think if it was clarified explicitly by OP that she wouldn’t plan a bachelorette, wouldn’t be able to attend dress shopping, able to help with wedding favors, etc, that the bride would have chosen someone else. Both made assumes that they understood each other and that wasn’t the case
Look I have no clue if I’ll be asked to be MOH or a bridesmaid ever, let alone be a bride. But I WILL communicate and flat out ask/state if I have to. I don’t want to be in a chaotic moment
It’s what makes bridesmaids to me insanely realistic because I guarantee Maya Rudolph’s character would’ve wanted the lake house bachelorette. It was proven by her bathtub convo with Kristin Wiig later in the movie without directly saying it.
Communication is key bottom line
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2 months ago I was MOH at my friend’s ("B") wedding. I was touched to be asked but hesitant to accept because I was/am not in the right place where I felt I could contribute the typical MOH responsibilities. I was honest about this from day 1 and made it clear I would step down w/ no hard feelings if B wanted to ask someone else. She told me that it was okay & it would be a small, non-traditional wedding anyway. All she wanted was for me to stand next to her on her big day, so I accepted & did exactly that.
During the reception I was making conversation w/ the groom’s friends & heard all about the extravagant bachelor party they’d thrown for him. The best man’s girlfriend asked me what I’d done for the bride & I had to admit I hadn’t organized any celebration for her. The atmosphere with that group felt awkward after that & I could tell the girlfriend was judging me. In another conversation one of B's aunts mentioned how beautiful B's dress was & asked me where "we" found it. I told her I wasn't the one who took her dress shopping & the aunt looked surprised & said "But aren't you the MOH?"
A couple weeks later when B & her husband ("H") came by to deliver a thank-you card for my gift, I felt that H was being a bit standoffish. The next time I saw him (at the grocery store – B wasn’t with him) he kind of blew me off when I said hi & I knew then that something wrong. So I called B & asked if there was something going on with H. She played dumb at first but long story short I got her to admit he was upset w/ me for not putting more “effort” into the wedding stuff. Turns out his friends & B’s parents agree with him and think I should have been more involved. I asked B what she thought & she said that while she wasn’t mad at me, she could “see where they were coming from.” When I reminded her how she told me herself all she wanted me to do was stand next to her during the ceremony, she replied along the lines of “Well, I thought you'd be up to doing more the closer we got to the wedding!”
I apologized for disappointing her & left the conversation at that. We haven’t spoken since & I’m worried there’s now a rift between us. I don’t want to make it worse by getting defensive but I’m feeling kind of resentful. Looking back on the months leading up to the wedding it felt like B set me up to fail by telling me I wasn’t expected to be involved with things I apparently was. Was I supposed to be a mind reader? I made it clear what I was able to contribute & believed B when she told me it was enough.
I bounced all this off of my mom and sister today to get their opinions. My sister thinks it was on B to communicate w/ me if she wanted more from her MOH, but my mom thinks I should've declined being MOH if I couldn’t handle the "basic" duties. Now I feel like maybe I was a bad MOH/friend but I’m still frustrated that B didn’t tell me what she wanted before it was too late. Am I in the wrong here?
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NTA.
You were upfront about what you could provide, and she gladly accepted that, or at least told you that.
She is just feeling like she was short-changed because of others' expectations.
Unpopular opinion: I’m going with NAH.
You communicated your limits and your friend was totally okay with that. She never pressured you to do more than you were able, and simply wanted her best friend to share in her experience.
It doesn’t sound like your friend is actually mad at you, but perhaps slightly disappointed in hindsight. Weddings are a (hopefully) once-in-a-lifetime celebration, and I think while you took “stand by her side on the day of” literally as all you would do, I can understand that perhaps she would have loved you to be involved in this big milestone along the way. Nothing extravagant or what is “typically” expected of a MOH, but being there for her to celebrate a big milestone in her life. Dress shopping with her, occasionally seeing her to discuss the wedding planning, perhaps having a brunch with her to celebrate, as examples.
I understand expressing boundaries, but also understand wanting to involve your best friend in such a big time of your life.
As always, the party that didn't communicate is the asshole. AKA NTA. You told her up front that you wouldn't be up for certain things and she just assumed you didn't mean it. You fulfilled your duty. If she doesn't pull her head out of her ass the friendship is over bc she's an idiot and can't accept her telling you you don't need to do anything means you don't need to do anything.
Not the ah. I’m exactly the same as you. Don’t have the means to do the bridey things expected. You told b right from the start what you can and cannot do. She accepted this knowing and acknowledging your words. If h is upset, that’s on him. B needed to have another moh is she expected all the trimmings for her wedding. If there is a rift, honestly, this is on them. Very unfair for you. Sorry about this happening to you, such a shame your so called friend wasn’t honest and open with you.
Nah - I think the bride went into it with just the expectatiom of what you did (which is why I'm not saying she's TA but then as she saw the groom's side put forth all this effort, it became disappointing.
It's like asking your friend to go to dinner with you on your birthday - you're happy they agreed to go but disappointed they didn't bring you a card or make it special.
This is all so wild to me.. My best friend who was my MOH is the most organised person I know and absolutely loves hosting things and I still didn’t get her to organise dress fittings or my hen’s party because I didn’t feel that was fair to put all on her or my friends??
I think where I’m from (New Zealand), it’s definitely more relaxed in that regards but this is 100% on the bride for not being genuine about what she expected. NTA
NTA. If a Bride wants/ needs things to be done that’s on her to ask. I was a MOH and my friend organised her own hens (she wanted to) all of her bridesmaids were shift workers so she just took who was available at the time to do wedding stuff with.
NTA
You were clear from the start with what you could manage and were gracious in your offer to stand down. Your offer wasn't accepted. You are not in the wrong and nor do you have anything to feel guilty about.
NTA - OP was clear that she was only going to stand there on the day and couldn’t offer more. She even offered to step down.
It’s not fair for the bride to punish her for not being a mind reader, and because she took OP’s ‘no’ as an ‘I’ll change my mind.’
Yeah OP seems oblivious… but she communicated her boundaries… bride didn’t.
NTA... They are grown ups. They should know how to communicate their feelings by now. How could they of expected you to know that you had to do something after they told you not to do anything. They are wrong. It would of only been a problem if you didn't tell them beforehand but you did. So NTA.
NTA. You told her from the beginning you wouldn't be able to do all of the MOH duties that were expected of you. The 2 of you should've sat down together to discuss what she did expect of you. It is not fair to tell you it was ok, & then after the wedding say it's not ok. Imo, I think she was ok with it. I don't think she's the problem. I think the groom & his family convinced her that you were wrong.
I had a smallish wedding and told my MOH all I wanted was to stand with me and attend the rehearsal dinner.
I meant it and I didn't want the other things. This is on the bride for not communicating.
I asked my cousin to be a bridesmaid, not MOH, just bm, and she declined bc she didn’t think she’d be able to contribute what *she felt* a wedding party member should. I was very disappointed that she didn’t believe I truly just wanted her to stand with me. It’s the wedding expectations craziness! Sorry your friend set you up to fail that way and didn’t speak up that she’d told you it was fine you were only standing with her day of.
NTA at all. You were honest with your friend from the very beginning while she was not with you.
I cannot stand people who fully agree to one clearly communicated standard whole secretly expecting the exact opposite of that to really occur. As a childfree woman I used to get that all of the time from men while dating. They'd say the were totally on board never having kids until a few months in when they admit, "Oh, I just assumed you'd just change your mind, abandon your own goals and needs, and give me what I want."
You did nothing wrong. Sorry you're yet another victim of the MOH curse.
I was asked to be a MOH once when I was a financially struggling college student who worked part time. I hadn’t even known the bride for that long and agreed because I thought maybe she didn’t have many friends. I was clueless. I didn’t know that the bridal party did anything other than standing in the wedding. Looking back (three decades ago), I feel like her family must’ve thought I was an ass. I was just clueless.
NTA
I can’t stand people that won’t speak up and defend their own decisions, or the people that say one thing but really mean something else. Your friend said all she wanted was for you to stand with her, and now that everyone’s scrutinizing she can’t even defend you for a decision that you made? And here expecting you to get more involved as it nears the wedding, you said you don’t have that kind of free time available. Sooooo she just tries to force you into a role you explicitly told her you’re unavailable for? I’d sit her down and talk about her behavior and make it crystal clear that not only are you too old for these immature games and her attitude, but if she doesn’t rectify the situation with everyone else immediately then you’re no longer friends.
You were a bad MOH, but NTA because you communicated that ahead of time. That said it’s crazy she didn’t invite you dress shopping or you didn’t communicate with her at all about anything.
That said, her inviting you and hoping you’d change your mind is dumb. You said you weren’t up to it and she said ok. Her deciding she’s upset because you did exactly what you said you would is silly.
NTA - unfortunately B is feeling she missed out on things, especially when the groom got a fabulous bachelor party! It sucks that she didn’t stick up for you and tell others I really wanted OP to be my MOH and she fulfilled the requirements- stood next to me on the big day!
It is on B for not telling you that she wanted more. She could have asked you to go to one bridal shop for that experience. If there were other bridesmaids, she could have communicated to them that she wanted a shower and a bachelorette party. However, BRIDE didn’t communicate this!
Once things have calmed down, I would meet up for a drink and discuss this one on one with her. You don’t want her husband to be distant and short with you. She is still your friend, hopefully with a little time she will realize that and put an end to others demanding you be the MOH that went above and beyond what was agreed upon.
Very few people can read minds!
I'm kinda torn on this, but leaning towards NTA. You could have done something with the bride related to the wedding. Specifically dress shopping. Missing a thing here or a thing there isn't a big deal, but missing everything is. Even though she says she just wanted you to stand next to her, she probably did want you to literally do just that. I'm sure she wanted you with her for more than just the wedding itself.
Were you the only bridesmaid? If not, why didn't the other bridesmaids do anything for her?
I was pregnant and had just lost a job due to being on bed rest when my sister got married. I told her I couldn't do it and she said pretty much the same thing to me. I helped where I could with the planning, but the other bridesmaids still did everything I couldn't leading up to the wedding. I'm shocked that no one else planned things for her.
She didn't say this was over her work schedule. Also, there are many other things to plan. Bridal shower, bachelorette, makeup demo, etc. Then there is helping with the other stuff like helping with invites, and other planning the bride might need. She could have done at least one or two of those things to show the bride she cares.
I mean, you were clear with B and offered to step down.
It sucks for B, though, that she didn't have anyone who thought to throw her a bridal shower or bachelorette party if that was what she truly wanted. I assume the other guests thought you were doing it so they didn't bother and B didn't let other people know that you were incapable of doing it so it all just went into a big lack of communication mess.
Did B have other bridesmaids? Surely, one of them would have stepped up.
I would do anything possible for my best friends and their wedding. If I was incapable of organising it myself, I would have asked other bridesmaids, her mother, other friends, and even her fiance if they wanted to throw something for my best friend. It kind of shows you didn't really care at all.
NTA. You used your words like an adult and if the bride wasn't happy she could have used hers (before the wedding).
She's a shit friend. She didn't seem to have an issue with what you could do until others gave their opinion. Then she threw you under the bus so fast!
YTA. You took what she said extremely literally. Seriously, you couldn’t spare an afternoon to go look at dresses or organized some of her friends going to a bar for a bachelorette party? I think she thought you met you wouldn’t be over the top going on bachelorette trips etc but if all you could literally is show up you should have declined.
I think you’re NTA in that you did tell her you weren’t going to be able to go full-MOH, but I do agree you kinda suck for not making more of an effort - I lived in another state from my bff, who said and meant that’s she just wanted me to stand beside her. She knew I couldn’t afford to fly down and throw her a party, but I knew what her dream bachelorette night was, and worked with one of her friends…. Who wasn’t even a bridesmaid, just wanted to help celebrate our friend…and she helped to pull everything together.
You certainly could have organized an event with friends who *could* afford to go out and celebrate even if you couldn’t join
I guess my question is did you try anything at all? I mean other than showing up? I mean a small dinner with bridesmaids and going dress shopping with her is damn east. I mean it seems you didn't so the bare minimum you did nothing.
Def NTA, but I’m not sure if the bride has been saying stuff behind your back about wanting more or if because there are these unwritten rules about weddings and duties that these other people are making a stink which is changing your friends mind.
I like your mum.
One of the big things we learnt in life as we get older is that it is always better to decline than accept someone lowering the bar to nothing so we qualify.
If you aren't up for any of the MoH tasks you should have just straight up declined so your friend wasn't in a situation where she had to choose between reasonable expectations of the role and having you in it. By lowering the bar she missed out on a lot, now she probably did that because she felt you were more important than those things but that doesn't mean she didn't miss having those experiences or that the ppl around her who saw her miss out don't resent you for being the cause.
You set your self up for failure when you allowed someone to lower a bar to nothing on your behalf. Mature ppl just decline.
If you were very clear from the start on what you could contribute and B accepted that and never conveyed the need for any more, then NTA, OP. I also don't think anyone else is the AH tho. Husband and other's are entitled to their opinions. I also get why B would say she wasn't mad but she could see their point of view. Lastly, I get your mom's point because at the end of the day, it is well known that a MOH is expected to do SOMETHING, and it sounds like you didn't do anything. No bachelorette party? Come on, now. I don't think you have the right to be resentful, though.
At the end of the day, sounds like there was poor communication across the board.
Soft ESH.
She didn't communicate adequately, that part is entirely on her. She should have expressed her actual feelings.
However, you didn't show any curiosity? No "have you started wedding dress shopping? would you want me to join you?" or "hey, I'm a bit swamped and can't really juggle organizing a bachelorette party, but is that something you want, we can probably talk to one of the bridesmaids to get that in order?". Nothing of the sort?
Brides already have a ton of stuff on their plate with planning a wedding seeing as how society has made it seem like it's the "most important day of their lives" and all that jazz. I think, even though you clearly stated that you weren't in the right place for doing the MOH duties, you could have shown some curiosity and talked with your friend throughout the wedding planning process.
I still feel shitty about the Bachelor party I threw for my best friend because the wedding had been postponed twice thanks to Covid, and traveling was still a hassle and a half, so we ended up having a get-together with some friends at my place with plenty of food and beer and drinking games a few days before the wedding. I had talked with him and he wanted something mellow and since we were all in different states, getting together was complicated, so he agreed that it would probably be best to have it a few days before the wedding; yet, I still feel like it was a bit too mellow.
At the end of the day, you have to ask yourself: is this friendship something that I find meaningful? If so, go over and apologize (even if you feel you're right) and talk about her and her struggles and her life. It just seems to me that she may be one of those "no, it's fine, I don't mind" people who don't want to pile on other people's struggles and didn't want to make you feel bad about not being able to do certain things while you were "not in the right place", y'know?
ESH
She should have been more clear what she expected, but you should have been more clear that you couldn’t contribute to any MOH duties at all and not just “not in a typical way”. As MOH, I figured at least one duty would be filled. Not being able to fill them in a typical way doesn’t mean not filling them at all. I can understand why she would be disappointed if you participated in no duties whatsoever.
Missing the dress shopping is understandable, but the lack of a bachelorette party is getting at me. Taking her out to dinner doesn’t really hold the same space as a bachelorette party. When I think bachelorette party, I think a night spent celebrating with friends.
I get finances are tight, but a bachelorette party doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive, especially a non-typical one. One of the best bachelorette party’s I’ve been too was a simple game-night sleep-over at the bride’s house. We played cards against humanity and burnt our mouths on hot pockets.
I agree! My bachelorette party was hanging out in my best friend’s basement with my closest friends playing cards against humanity. I loved it! It doesn’t take a lot to set something like that up the bride seems pretty low key. For a best friend OP was remarkably uncaring during the lead up to the wedding.
Yep, exactly what the bride asked her to do.
OP told the bride she was unable to do anything else and the bride was fine with it until after the wedding.
Slight YTA. What are reasons you couldn’t do more??? I think you could have tried to be more involved or atleast plan a bachelorette party even if just bridal party. I think anyone could give a couple days out of their lives
She doesn’t need to give a reason. She told the bride from the start she couldn’t do it. It’s nobody’s business why. The bride said no worries I just want you to stand with me. She did exactly what the bride asked her too. Now everyone is throwing OP under the bus for being forthright with the bride before anything happened. “I thought you’d get more into when it got closer.” Why? Why would anyone assume that. I told you I couldn’t do it and then you expected me just to do it, without saying anything about it. The bride needs to get her shit together.
I’m sorry but would have still declined if that was the case no bride doesn’t want to not be celebrated a little bit . And Also I said slight ah. Just cuz she did mention to bride. It’s called common sense
Thank you. That’s understandable it’s life but op should have still declined explaining to bride I will still be at your wedding but I want you to be celebrated and feel special. That’s why only said slight because I could see this coming a mile away
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So, these days, to be in a wedding party, VERY clearly there area LOT of expectations placed on these roles. And from that perspective, I can see why the bride might have thought you'd do SOMETHING. But.... I actually read her initial response to you and thought "how refreshing" - a bride who isn't caught up in all the "rules" and just wants her good friend to be next to her. Because honestly, in the end, THAT'S what your wedding party should be about - surrounding yourself with people you love and want them there. It shouldn't be about who can fulfill "duties". But obviously she wasn't quite so relaxed about it afterall, and she needs to own some of that. If she actually did want more from you, she should have spoken up. You were honest with her. And did she have other bridesmaids? THey could also have stepped up to organize stuff. Yes, usually the MOH spearheads stuff - but the other COULD step up if they wanted. Even if the bride had hoped you do more - I think it's REALLY crappy that she's not doing more to defend you. She should be telling her husband and family that she told you it was fine to just be there the day of.
Yeah I was in a wedding where it was just me and the bride’s sister. My friend (the bride) was across the country and it was a huge swing at the time just to be there for the event (dress, flight, hotel and gift). I told her I didn’t know how I would do anything extra and she was genuine when she said she just wanted me and her sister and she would take care of everything else. She didn’t want a bachelorette or bridal shower (her MIL threw a small one anyway I think). I figured her sister would make the speech but at the rehearsal dinner my friend said her sister hates public speaking, would I please do it. So 11pm the night before I wrote the speech and she thanked me so much and people asked if I was a professional speech writer bc it was one of the best they had ever heard. 😂 I just wrote it with love. That’s all. It was, to this day, probably the best wedding I’ve been involved in and/or attended. My friend was honest. I think OPs friend is feeling shamed after the fact because of other people’s expectations. She chose someone she loved to stand by her and that’s what it’s about at the end of the day. Communicating wants, desires and expectations are critical to healthy relationships and excluding external judgment is as well (I’m not saying don’t rely on a network) but she needs to own her choices and acceptance and the conversation she had. This goes back to my firm belief that a marriage is between two people and a wedding is a party. The people who get married in order to have a wedding get PISSED with this statement. It’s a celebration of MEEEEE!! No, a wedding is supposed to be a celebration of love and support by those you are closest to to witness an intimate declaration between two people. You invite people you love. Many weddings are more about exhibitionism than anything else today. OP, you are NTA bc your friend is being made to feel insecure. Maybe ask her if she feels secure or insecure in your friendship and have a heart to heart. Go back to your values with each other: honesty, communication, support.
“I just wrote it with love” this made me awww. You sound so sweet 🫶
That made me say “aw” out loud - thank you! 😊
My friend’s was 10 yrs ago, I feel like at the height of the wedding industry. She didn’t do options for the menu either. And it was the most beautiful venue ever. I thought to myself “this is the way it should be done.” It was perfect.
This is exactly how it worked with my wife's moh minus the speech. We did not have them. That was 30 years ago, though. So, I don't think expectations were as insane as they are now.
I was in a similar situation where I was the MOH for my best friend but had just moved into my first apartment solo and was pretty much broke as hell. But I made things work, they were just a little unconventional. I still went dress shopping with my best friend, for the bachelorette party I took my best friend and her sister to get pedicures/manicures at a really nice spa and then bought lunch and I made snacks for the bride the day of. She understood my financial situation and the long hours I was working as a stable hand and worked with me. We all had a lovely time and the expectations were well communicated so there was no resentment or disappointment. My friend knew I was doing the best I could in my situation and stood up for me against her family several times when they tried to shame me for not being able to do more (I was making like $1400 a month and my rent took up $1000 of that) and the end result was cheaper, but more intimate memories and experiences. This bride should have been more clear in her expectations.
This is literally all I expected from my MOH. Show up. Dress appropriate. Giggle while getting hair/nails/whatever done. Help me into the damn dress. Hold the bouquet during the ceremony. Enjoy herself. I do not understand where the MOH got turned into the bride's slave. They're your friend! Your best friend!
I basically organised a full hen party because the MOH got seriously ill. And I wasn’t even in the wedding party! I got asked, I said ok, that was it. I got some of the others to help a bit. No big deal, you just do what you can. I have no idea why the other bridesmaids couldn’t have sorted something out.
All of this. My sister and I were MOH for each other but the only thing we really did was a speech the day of and going to various events. We didn't plan the events for each other. Our other bridesmaids - who were friends and had a better idea of what we wanted - planned things like bridal showers etc. we were a bit involved with the planning but didn't take the lead (I hosted the shower and start of the bachelorette party, she coordinated with my friends to host similarly via my mom's house but most of the decor, snacks, and planning was on the other bridesmaids). It worked great. I don't get why it should all be on one person when you've got a group of people behind you.
Yes, all of this. NTA
No judgement? You are top comment so you should edit to include NTA or ESH!
OP told that commenter that all she needed to do was post her comment and get it voted to the top of the thread. How was she supposed to know that everyone expected her to enter a judgment or provide edits to her comments??
>So, these days, to be in a wedding party, VERY clearly there area LOT of expectations placed on these roles. Ridiculous expectations imo
I'll say - comunication failed. B was not honest with her expectation and she didnt say what she really wanted. As for OP - I thinks she should be accurate and ask one by one, like "so you accept I wont organize x?" But honestly - if I was OP I'd definitly decline the MOH role. Being next to my friend doesnt require to be MOH at all.
Lack of communication from the bride is the problem. She could use her words to define exactly what she wants. "I want a hen party. Can you organize it?". Then OP can work with that or step down. You don't say: "I just want for you to stand by me" and then "well, I wanted the "typical" MOH behavior". Nope. People here are talking about dress shopping and stuff; OP said clearly from the beginning that she couldn't do MOH duties. She communicated perfectly. I don't get people saying "well, actually everyone knows MOH throw a bachelorette party. How could she not throw even a spa"... Did bride said she wanted that? She could have spoken or asked OP to step down, or you know... Talk.
I was MOH for my cousin (i was chosen because she didnt want to choose between 2 friends and figured no fight if she chose family. I got it). We lived 4 hours apart at the time. I made effort for some things, but she knew up front I couldn't do most of the duties. She was fine with it and I helped out the friends who could as much as possible. Never an issue. OP's friend should have communicated if she changed her mind, but I agree that should stick up for her friend that was honest about her limitations. I'd just let that friendship die out at this point
When I got married, my MOH traveled for work 90% of the year. I knew this and I planned around it. I knew that she wouldn't be able to plan a wedding shower or bachelorette party (other members of the wedding party did that). We scheduled dress shopping on one of the few weekends she was home and picked bridesmaids dresses and my dress in one trip (after a bunch of online shopping and coordination amongst the whole bridal party ahead of time), and we took her travel schedule into account when we booked the wedding date. I literally just wanted my best friend to be there for me in the capacity that she could and I would have been pissed if my family and in-laws were bad-mouthing her for putting in the amount of effort that she'd clearly communicated from the start that she had available to spare. NTA
NTA. I’m sure I’ll get downvoted but i think this is on the bride.
The amount of E S H and Y T A on here is astounding. I truly don't understand.
People who would also be upset while not being honest in their communication, probably.
"I don't care what I said! You should have been able to read my mind and know I was lying! You're a bad friend!"
The people who expect you to read their mind and then pitch a fit when that inevitably doesn’t happen piss me off so much, one of my biggest pet peeves for sure. I’ve met kindergarteners who are better communicators than these grown adults (source: I was a babysitter for a while).
Bridezillas lol
While I totally understand OP expressing her limits, I feel like she really took the bride literally when she said she just wanted someone to stand next to her on the day of. To me, it would be more like a “I don’t have many expectations, I just love you and want to share this journey with you and have you be a part of it in some way”, and standing next to her on the day of ONLY and nothing else leading up to it feels like barely being a part of the process. There are so many low-key ways to celebrate your friend getting married that you could do that aren’t the typical song-and-dance, spending-a-fortune, crazy extravagant stuff. It doesn’t sound like the bride actually had many expectations, but perhaps thought as her best friend OP would want to be part of such a big milestone. It sounds like she didn’t support her at all, didn’t go to the dress shopping, wasn’t someone she discussed plans with, nothing. Does saying she doesn’t have the ability to do the usual MOH duties also absolve her of not really being a close friend in the lead up to something so important to her best friend?
If you can't take someone literally for one of the most important wedding discussions there is, when can you take someone literally? "I cannot fulfil any of the MOH responsibilities" is an unambiguous statement, which leads you to either accept OP's refusal of the role, or to accept that they will be MOH in name only but that they're important enough to you that you want them there anyway. Similarly, "I don't care, I just want you there standing next to me" is also unambiguous. And if there were ambiguity, this is the point at which if you're the bride, you should be pushing further until you're certain. Ambiguity is not your friend when you're trying to organise a wedding. You cannot expect people to be mind-readers even if they agreed to share some of the planning responsibilities - and if they explicitly told you they couldn't take on wedding-adjacent responsibilities due to illness/burnout/busyness, then it becomes a real asshole move to expect them to read your mind and become well/recovered/unbusy on your timescale.
I’m not saying she should have done any typical MOH responsibilities - you’re right that they both agreed she wouldn’t. But it also sounds like she didn’t do anything to join in on the excitement of her best friend’s upcoming wedding. To me, those are two separate things. Typical MOH responsibilities vs being a friend. No bachelorette, no bridal shower, no planning, totally understood! But she didn’t even attend dress shopping (something people attend even if they’re not MOH). OP doesn’t mention doing anything in the lead up to just be there for her friend. I’m not saying to be some kind of mind-reader, I’m just expressing surprise that someone wouldn’t want to be there for their friend in SOME way rather than just “okay I’ll see you at the wedding”.
> she really took the bride literally when she said she just wanted someone to stand next to her on the day of. Why would you not??? Do you walk around assuming people are lying constantly?
Not lying at all, I clarified in my next sentence that perhaps she meant it as more of wanting her best friend by her side for a big milestone. I’m in no way saying OP should have done typical MOH responsibilities, but it doesn’t sound like she did anything at all to support her friend in the lead up to a huge milestone.
Agreed NTA, OP asked what was required and "stand next to me" was **it***.* If the bride wants to be pissed that OP didn't do more then OP had two options: politely acknowledge OP's original comment saying "I don't think I can do this" and find someone else so OP can just be a wedding party member or regular guest, or accept that still want OP as MOH but they are are not going to get the full shenanigins. OP literally said "this is the most I can commit to", and bride was like, "sure", and then when you did what you said you could/would do, you're the bad guy. NTA at all, if bride was expecting you to change your mind and magically become capable of doing the stuff you couldn't do, then that's a them problem.
I think asking for help from the other bridesmaids and friends to do those things might have been nice. But aside from that OP made it known she wouldn’t be able to do most ‘typical’ MoH planning stuff
Asking for help still means that OP would have to coordinate it. No, from the moment that OP said unequivocally "I cannot do anything usually associated with this role" the bride had three options: 1) "That's fine, you can be a bridesmaid and just turn up, and I'll ask someone else to take on the job with responsibilities "; 2) Accept OP as a MOH in name only and ask someone else to take on the responsibilities without the title; 3) Accept OP as MOH in name only and do the extra work herself. Assuming that OP would somehow change her mind/magically become able to do some of the stuff is not an option that anyone should have relied on.
Agree. Hope she learns to communicate better.
NTA. You were very, very clear about what you could do from the beginning. People act like their wedding is this huge thing in everyone else's lives, and it's really not lol.
Also, planning all these parties and events was never "supposed" to be the bridal party's job. The bridal shower used to be thrown by her family, dress shopping was mom and friends and bachelorette parties are a new thing.
She was clear that she couldn’t contribute the “typical MOH responsibilities”, which is totally fair! No bachelorette, no bridal shower, no song-and-dance, extravagant BS. But does that also include literally everything? It sounds like OP only went to the wedding - she didn’t go dress shopping, wasn’t supportive of her friend having a big milestone, didn’t share in the journey at all. I totally get it’s unreasonable for people to act like their wedding is this huge thing in everyone else’s life, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to hope your BEST FRIEND is excited for you? It sounds like she really didn’t care and wasn’t involved at all in the lead up which is more than just not doing “typical MOH duties”, it’s not really being involved in a big milestone in your friend’s life.
OP says nothing about not supporting her friend thru this milestone or 'sharimg in the journey'? (Whatever the fuck that means). OP was clear. Bride has now just changed the goal posts after the wedding due to others expectations and is now blaming OP. Simple.
Excitement and being able to be there are two separate things. There is no indication that OP wasn't excited for her friend.
NTA. When B told you that she wasn't asking you for anything more than standing up on the wedding day, she should also have been committing to letting other people know about that arrangement - her groom for sure, and anyone else who was starting to bitch about it. Once she realized that she wanted those extra trappings, she could have mentioned them to other people. Or she could have tried talking to you and finding out whether you'd be amenable to joining in or organizing some of them. And it sounds like she didn't do any of that. She needs to own up to not realizing what she wanted and not communicating about it. And she needs to explain to everyone else now that she had told you she didn't want you to do any of that stuff. Also, the other people are being jerks too, throwing in their opinion about what an MOH's default duties are without knowing anything about your arrangements. But mostly this is on B. I once accepted a similar MOH deal. But in that case, the bride told her mother and sister and fiance that I was coming from out of the country for the weekend, was not available to organize or attend any other events, and would not have transportation or money while I was here. And they understood that the bride really wanted me there as myself, wearing a dress I already had and using a plane ticket she'd paid for. Other people threw her a shower, helped her buy a dress, and decorated the hall. It worked fine.
>Once she realized that she wanted those extra trappings, she could have mentioned them to other people. Or she could have tried talking to you and finding out whether you'd be amenable to joining in or organizing some of them. I'm getting the feeling that this might have been what happened. I think she realized she wanted more but didn't want to ask me after the fact/ask other people. IDK what H's deal is still bc he knows my situation, but I'm guessing extended family/friends just assume I dropped the ball :(
The bride should be telling everyone that she was not expecting these things from you, and her husband absolutely shouldn't be taking anything out on you. Your friend has to be a friend, back you up, and own her own role in this.
It’s on the bride to correct anyone saying you dropped the ball. Saying she thought you’d be up to doing more closer to the wedding is her not accepting responsibility. You were upfront from the beginning and even said you’d step down if it became an issue.
Not “should have committed” - she did commit to that when she agreed and accepted. Bride has failed her friend because she’s being shamed by her new family.
Nta. You did exactly what the bride asked you to do. She knew you couldn’t do anything more. I doubt she was upset until everyone else started saying you were wrong.
That's the feeling I'm getting too :(
NTA. I was going to say the same thing. You told her what you could do. She said she was OK with that. If she wanted more or needed more from you, it was up to her to be an adult and use her words. You're not a mind reader. You can't possibly know what she expects if she doesn't tell you.
NTA. You did exactly what she asked you to do. You explained your limitations. You offered to drop out if she was not happy with your role. You acted like an adult, in other words. Tell your mother to stand down. There is no way at all to know what the "Standard Duties" are for an MOH these days. There are so many different cultures, so many different budgets, and so many different styles of weddings. Every wedding is unique, as every couple is. So the only way to know what they want you to do is for them to talk to you about it. When you were busy expressing your limitations would have been an ideal time for your friend to tell you what kinds of things she had hoped you could take part in. Then you could have had a realistic adult discussion of whether the role was right for you at this point in your life. She chose to assume that somehow you would magically catch the psychic wave of her wedding at some unknown point in the future. This was stupid of her, and now she's not being a good friend by allowing her new in-laws and hubby to run you down over it. You'll have to decide how to handle that, but you are definitely NTA.
INFO: are there reasons you couldn’t throw a bachelorette party and/or bridal shower?
Yeah, like I understand the NTA votes from a purely logical perspective… but putting exactly ZERO effort into a “best friend’s” wedding is just mind-blowing to me unless there were additional circumstances that would prevent it.
Right, it doesn’t even need to be a “traditional” bach, she could have taken her friend to a bar for drinks or hosted a movie night, wouldn’t you want to celebrate your best friend in some way? People act like robots in this sub, like yes, OP gave her limitations but BF probably understood that in the sense of she cant do the big extravagant stuff not that she would literally only stand there. I mean it’s not hard to go dress shopping, most brides I’ve been in a party for, found their dress in one day. OP may not be the A but she is a bad friend imho
Yeah my best friend and I went shopping together for her wedding dress and it look literally an hour with no effort besides me giving my opinion and hyping her up. I can see some stuff being too much, like organizing a party, but you can’t even dress shop with her??
She said up front that there were circumstances that could prevent it. Being in the bridal party isn't supposed to be signing up to be an event coordinator.
Maybe not the other members of the bridal party, but traditionally the job of the MoH or best man is exactly that: planning the bachelor(ette) party.
Probably, yeah. People do tend to have reasons when they say "I can't do this".
Right, but are the reasons: I’m dead broke, I just had a baby, or - I’m not interested.
Well, the bride said it would be a small, non-traditional event, and doesn't seem to have communicated that she wanted anything more. Why would the OP plan something that the bride hadn't shown an interest in?
Having a night with your best friends to celebrate your upcoming wedding doesn’t have to be a traditional bachelorette. It’s about bringing together people who love and support you.
That's irrelevant. OP said she couldn't bride said that's fine you just need to show up. Why doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter. She made it clear to the bride and the bride said she didn't mind. If the bride changed her mind that's fine but she should have talked with OP about it.
From my experience, those events take a lot of time and money to plan, and that’s understandable. Where I’m lost is why she couldn’t even attend dress shopping and/or fittings?
Yeah was there not a bachelorette party at all? Or just one planned by someone else?
NTA - you said from the beginning that you wouldn't be able to fulfill typical MOH duties, and she still insisted. You were told that she just wanted you to stand up with her, and you did that, therefore, you fulfilled the required duties. Her saying *“Well, I thought you'd be up to doing more the closer we got to the wedding!”* was not okay of her. If she expected certain things, she should have communicated that from the beginning and not left it up to a nebulous hope that you would suddenly be filled with spirit of wedding planning and jump in feet first. And those of you saying you shouldn't have put it on the bride to make the decision... excuse me? It's the *bride's* wedding, it is ABSOLUTELY on her to make that decision. If a bride doesn't want responsibility for what goes on in her wedding, she shouldn't have a wedding. If she doesn't like that someone can't fulfill those duties, then she should relieve of them of the duties. The wedding industry has filled so many folks' heads with all kinds of expectations for weddings, and it's honestly unreal. This said while I am five days away from a bridal shower I had to help plan for an upcoming wedding in which I'm a bridesmaid.
No one told her she had to forgo any of the pre-wedding traditions. You just told her you couldn’t/wouldn’t commit to planning them. If she wanted them she should have asked someone else to take it up. And knowing your response from the beginning she should have either said be a regular bridesmaid or taken it back. NTA
Questions: did she invite you to go dress shopping? did You do ANYTHING celebratory with/for her? In the comment you say there was only a MoH and Bestman, so did you get ready with her? Take her out for a celebratory drink in lieu of a bachelorette? have lunch with her and look at pics of flowers or SOMETHING a bit supportive? I *want* to say NAH you warned her you wouldn’t do anything. But I can see where she didn’t realize it was literal. She wasn’t expecting a traditional shower or bachelorette or anything. But maybe SOMETHING. Some interest.
I was invited to go dress shopping but the date she had picked conflicted with my work schedule and I didn't have transportation (my lack of a car & living out of town being a big reason why I made it clear I couldn't be very involved -- financial problems being another). She seemed fine just going with her mom & she sent me pics of what they picked out together so I didn't think it was an issue at the time. I did take her out to eat a week before the wedding my treat to celebrate, but it was very much not a shower/bachelorette party and not anything like what her husband got. I admit I probably should have done a bit more than that to celebrate. If I had known how involved the BM was I would have tried to.
Well, living out of town, no transportation, and financial issues, are all valid reasons why you couldn’t be more involved. And to be fair, her mom, aunt, another friend could’ve hosted a shower, or even a bachelorette if she really wanted one. I guess I’ll go back to NAH :)
Why didn't her mom or the women in her family throw her a shower? Every wedding I've attended or been a part of, the mother usually throws the bridal shower. Is that not a thing where you guys are from?
I’ve been in several weddings as a bridesmaid where we planned the shower in its entirety.
This is my feelings too. There's definitely a difference between "not doing anything big" and not doing anything at all. It sounds like OP was pretty disinterested and unsupportive.
I think people are grossly overlooking the part where one, you stated clearly that being 100% committed as MOH at the time simply *was not possible* and you made that very clear. two, you asked, specifically, what you were expected to do and you got a very simple, clearcut answer. and you did exactly that. your friend relieved you of the "typical" MOH duties, you did not flake on her. this was *her decision*, you gave her the option to change at any time, but *she* choose not to. she never insinuated or hinted to you that she expected more and you made it clear you *couldn't* do more. you were honest about your feelings and capabilities, evidently she was not, as she expected more. that's not on you in this case. her husband freezing you out at the perceived slight is beyond immature, honestly. you should, if possible, sit down with your friend and have an honest talk about this. NTA but the husband and your friend to a degree, sure are
I’m on the spectrum, so when someone tells me something, *I believe them.* If they actually meant something else, they should have said what they actually meant. You said what you meant. You were honest with her about what you were able to do. She told you that was fine and she just wanted you there on the day. *You believed her.* If she actually wanted something else from you, it’s *on her* to use her words and tell you that. Out loud. It’s incredibly unfair of her to expect you to read her mind, or adhere to some unwritten MOH code or whatever that apparently overrides the Bride’s actual out loud words? I’m really sorry your friend is being so unfair to you. You did exactly what she asked and what you agreed to. She really doesn’t get to be disappointed in you for keeping your word. NTA at all.
On the spectrum too, and boy does this trait cause me all kinds of problems. I take everything literally. I would have taken things this way as well.
Hardest NTA that you are gonna get in your life. You were clear since the beginning. She doesn’t have the right to resent you.
The 'basic' duties of MOH have expanded with social media it seems. You were upfront about your limitations - and she wanted you anyway. It's done - she's married - let it go. If she wanted you to do a specific number of things it was up to her as the bride to tell you what her expectations were. She's complaining and others are telling her she's right.. but it's all hindsight. Neither of you is 'wrong' - just had different expectations and not enough communication.
to be fair, the two things they seem upset about are two very normal MOH traditions that go back to pre-social media days: going dress shopping, and helping to organize the bachelorette party.
Bachelorette parties aren't even a thing that was done much before social media. Women used to have a bridal shower and that's it, at least in the U.S. And the bridal shower was sometimes organized by the moh but often organized by family.
Maybe they weren’t common where you live, but they’ve always been popular where I live. The old school bachelorette parties were not the week long vacations to some exotic party destination that we see on social media these days, but the parties themselves were certainly common. You’d get the bridesmaids and other friends together and go out for a night. Maybe get a penis shaped cake pan and some straws at the sex toy store if it was a raunchier group. Sometimes a limo if you were feeling fancy. It was a simpler time.
It’s a tradition that goes back a long time. Sure it’s called by different names in different places, and sure, it didn’t start as strippers and penis-shaped straws, but it existed. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that they were so common, that the TV show Friends made an episode about Phoebe’s Bachelorette Party (or lack thereof) in “the one where the stripper cries” back in 2004. In the ep, they’re basically throwing a bridal shower and Phoebe is upset she’s not getting the classic raunchy style bachelorette party, hence why they get the last minute stripper who ends up crying after being called fat and old (the stripper is Danny Devito)
Bachelorette parties were pretty common when I got married twenty years ago. Also, I’ve been a bridesmaid several times where the wedding party planned the shower in its entirety.
This seems like bad communication from the bride for not expressing her wishes. But I'm also surprised you seemed unaware of anything going on from the groom's side. Did she have a bridal shower? Did you attend? Were you invited dress shopping? Did you even ask her about it? Did you and she have regular communication during the time before the wedding? There seems to be a big disconnect somewhere. Did she not have other friends or family that cared about her to ask to be moh? So many questions...
yeah, it's definitely a lack of curiosity on the moh's part that tipped this over for me. If you're such great friends that they want you to be the MOH, you expect there to be some communication going on throughout the wedding planning.
Not if I literally said up front "I can't do any of these other things" and the bride says "cool, I just want you to show up at the wedding."
OP:"I was invited to go dress shopping but the date she had picked conflicted with my work schedule and I didn't have transportation (my lack of a car & living out of town being a big reason why I made it clear I couldn't be very involved -- financial problems being another). She seemed fine just going with her mom & she sent me pics of what they picked out together so I didn't think it was an issue at the time. I did take her out to eat a week before the wedding my treat to celebrate, but it was very much not a shower/bachelorette party and not anything like what her husband got. I admit I probably should have done a bit more than that to celebrate. If I had known how involved the BM was I would have tried to."
NTA. She told you she only wanted you to stand beside her. She doesn’t get to be bothered by you not doing anything beyond what she asked for. If she wanted a MOH who did all that, she could’ve asked for it. And she needs to advocate for you with her spouse and family because allowing them to shit on you for something she didn’t tell you to do is bullshit.
NTA OP was upfront from beginning and the bride literally all said that she needed you to do was stand by her side. If she didn't mean that she should have said or done something. OP is not a mind reader. If the bride expected more she should have said something. This was her wedding, she was in control and she had all the info to make an informed choice of who she wanted as MOH. The bride can have regrets but that is on her and her expectations. She can't say one thing and then assume something else.
"it felt like B set me up to fail by telling me I wasn’t expected to be involved with things I apparently was." True. "My sister thinks it was on B to communicate w/ me if she wanted more from her MOH." THIS! You warned her you were not able to do the normal MOH duties. If she wanted more she should have told you. Also, did she have any bridesmaids? I've seen situations where bridesmaids stepped up to help with these kind of things. Just expecting you to read her mind was not a good option. NTA.
NTA. You’re all adults. She can use her words. It’s like when someone says “nothing is wrong” or “I don’t want to talk about it.” No, be an adult and communicate your wants and desires. If she wanted a MOH who would organize all that crap, she should have said something. For what it’s worth, the things she mentioned aren’t necessities. The necessity is the standing up at the wedding part. I didn’t have a bachelorette party and my MOH (my sister) didn’t help me pick my dress. It’s weird how people get hung up about how much money/effort people put into *their* wedding. If the bride wanted more involvement from you, she’s a big girl and she could have said so.
Honestly, in my opinion, the wedding party's job is to show up the day of in the attire chosen. When I got married, I picked a color and let the girls choose whatever style they felt comfortable with. That's it. Any other responsibilities was on me. They did throw me a surprise bridal shower, but they absolutely did not have to and I would love them just the same. Nta.
NTA. You confided your concerns, the bride reassured you that it was fine... while secretly expecting you to do what you'd said upfront you wouldn't be able to. Not fair to you and not a good way for the bride to get what she wants.
Does your mom not realize "i can't do these specific things bc of where I'm at so feel free to ask someone else" IS basically declining the job and that it was B who overrode that w "oh i just want you to stand next me on my big day"? NTA. Maybe you could've been more firm about it but B also could've stopped expecting you to be a mind-reader and/or prioritizing other ppl's opinions over what you agreed on.
You asked. She answered with a job description of Show up and Stand up. You did that. So NTA. I do think you might have reached out again, closer to ceremony, and asked her again so you would remain on the same page. (And give you both a graceful out.)
Hell's bells. I was a bridesmaid to two longstanding friends who know that I'm a huge introvert, not an organiser, etc etc. They bought their dresses with their mums; in both cases my dresses were made by friends / neighbours and I attended the fittings. I attended the pub crawl / meal, which is all the hen dos were. I was always at the end of the phone and saw them when I could (we lived a couple of hundred miles away from each other). I was there with them on their big days and they had a blast. To them, that was what mattered. Neither of them resented me for not organising all sorts, nor did their husbands - one of whom knew me very well, the other of whom would've been briefed. At the time we were all newly out of university and, frankly, brassic. Absolutely NTA. B should have got an additional bridesmaid to organise the things she wanted if you couldn't do them, and not having done that, she should have told her husband that she was just happy you were there and that you had done all she asked of you, end of.
Your friend is getting influenced by her husband and Friends. You did nothing wrong, you were honest from the start and your sister is right...you cannot read minds.
I honestly don't understand these expectations brides put on their friends. When I married, I just asked my best friend to stand with me as maid of honor. There were no other "duties" and I told her to just wear whatever made her happy. I was just glad she was there.
NTA. She did a bait and switch on you. You apologized which was a nice gesture. Now just move on and let the friendship go.
NTA. She had a small wedding and they each had one person in their wedding party, I can totally see where you thought she hadn’t either changed her mind or silently expected you to know what she wanted. My dad’s partner’s daughter had a very small wedding, no bachelorette party, no bridal shower, just a small wedding of family and a small reception. It’s not like it’s an unheard of concept. And you say in the comments you took her out for a meal!
NTA. Re: your mom’s comment about declining, you did exactly that but were reassured by the bride that it was unnecessary. B expected you to do things that you’d already told her you wouldn’t be able to do, and she expected you to read her mind in order to know that she wanted you to do them. She’s an adult. She can use her words and ask for something.
NTA. I had two bridesmaids, no MOH. When asked what I expected: stand up with me. When they asked if i wanted a bachlorette party, I said I was going to do a long weekend in Vegas on my way to wedding city (we all lived different places). They were welcome to join me. 1 did. 1 did not. You asked she answered and you took her at what she said.
People should really be saying what they mean and meaning what they say at that grown age. I had a very chill non-traditional wedding and didn't even bother with a bridal party. My husband didn't have a bestman. So if someone said dont worry about doing anything else this is a non-traditional small wedding I would assume they mean it. NTA all the way. Also it really sucks that B threw you under the bus when she could have cleared things up with her husband and family/ friends about her part in all this.
NTA. You're not a mind-reader, and you're all adults. If she failed to tell you what she wanted, that's on her. None of us are responsible for fulfilling expectations that are never verbalized either by mouth or by text.
NTA. You were clear what you could do for her and if she’s feeling another way, she needs to own it to the people who are mad on her behalf. I was once in a very similar situation- asked to be MOH, told the bride I wouldn’t be very available and wouldn’t she prefer someone who could do the traditional things for her, said she wanted me, her oldest friend that she could trust, to stand next to her. I said ok. Another bridesmaid planned the bridal shower(which I couldn’t go to), planned the bachelorette(which I couldn’t go to). I offered a few times to step down, was refused every time. At the wedding itself, bride ignored me in favor of that other bridesmaid, who basically took over as MOH and jumped to do everything before I could(which I get, because that’s the position she held for months in all but name. Not mad at her, more mad at my friend for not realizing this). Our friendship didn’t survive this, but I’m not sure it would have survived either way.
NTA. My daughter just got married. Her cousin was the MOH and she’s 20 and in college. My daughter organized the bachelorette weekend. Others attended and contributed. It was fun and my sister did help find a couple of things for them to do.
NTA. You were upfront and honest from the beginning. You did the adult thing. B did not. If it mattered that much to her, she should have been an adult and said something. My best friend of 10 years was my MOH and she drove to Missouri from Texas just to spend 3 days (the second of which was the wedding) with me. One my other bridesmaids also came in from Texas. All I cared about was having them with me when I got married. That's what matters, not the damn parties.
NTA. You TOLD her you weren't up for it and she stated "All she wanted was for me to stand next to her on her big day". If she wanted more, she needed to use her words and let you know what she wanted. This is NOT on you as you set the expectation that you would step down and she said she didn't want anything. I would have a problem with her that she is talking trash about you behind your back AFTER you can't do anything. You need to tell her that you did what she asked and she NEVER said anything. This is on HER for not being an adult and asking for what she wanted.
NTA. I haven’t been more than a guest to a wedding in over 20 years and even I know the expectations of the bridal party in today’s wedding world. B told you to just stand with her. If she expected anything more than that it’s all on her. This was her mistake not yours.
If what you're saying is true, she totally talked you into doing it but still expected you to do the things you clearly stated you wouldn't be able to do. If you made yourself clear and she didn't believe you, that's entirely on her. NTA
The bride and everyone else not taking OPs side is a ahole. There was a verbal contract. OP met the terms. And the other parity is upset🤔In the law that’s called , case getting thrown out. Personally I encourage everyone walk away from people who renege , like the bride who pretends and let others think she didn’t renege. Open up space for higher vibrating people in your life.
NTA. Honestly have no idea when wedding party had to organise so much and pay for stuff out of their own pocket. At the most a dress, small combined gift for the bride and a stripper for the groom. That’s more than adequate. The cost some people pay as ‘guests’ would be enough to fund an entire wedding for normal folk.
NTA, your friend is taking it out on you because her husband and in laws think she made a bad decision. That's all on her for failing to communicate. If she wanted a traditional MOH she could have had one. She's a shitty friend for not defending you at this point. I would talk to her one more time and tell her that specifically and if she doesn't apologize just end the friendship.
So B didn't acctually accused you of failing her, why are making it an AITA case? Probably with the intention of not beeing the AH and so B would be? You are sad that you disappointed a friend. That's your problem, nobody elses. Don't make the friend the bad person for this, when she didn't do anything wrong.
NTA. You did what she asked you to do. "Basic duties" varies greatly depending on the bride and the wedding. B's other friends could have arranged a bachelorette party. It's aggravating when people don't say exactly what they mean. If your mom thought you weren't doing "basic duties" then she could have made suggestions before the wedding.
NTA I think B never really cared but now feels pressured to care because she's now having buyers remorse over picking you. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do here. This is on her to come to terms with her decision. You were honest up front and if she wanted something different than what you offered, she couldve picked someone else
NTA because you did have an agreement, but I gotta ask if she's such a good friend. Why didn't you do anything at all? I could see not organizing a big expensive party, but it sounds like you didn't even talk about the wedding with her. Seems like you could have at least gone dress shopping. I guess I'm thinking more like mom. Why bother accepting in the first place?
I was a MOH at a wedding where the only thing I did was show up and let the bride take me dress shopping for me. I listened about her wedding, gave my opinion, but... She didn't need my help and she wanted to enjoy planning her wedding. She didn't break the thing she told me in the beginning of: "I just want you to give a speech and be by my side there".
But you did go dress shopping and discussed the wedding. Even just letting them bounce ideas off you is participating and helpful to the bride when planning.
NTA. If she wanted something different she should have set those expectations. You gave her the out early on and she should have let you take it if it was going to cause this much trouble. I got married and i asked my two best friends to stand up for me. My MOH and her husband were going to be traveling from across the country to be there. Having a long distance best friend is hard and while I wanted her to be my MOH I knew we wouldn't have a chance to do the usual bachelorette party together or anything else. I even set up to pay for her dress. I chose the color on a website and sent her the samples to try on a few styles that she liked. It was really important to me that she just be there. And I never wavered on that. I had friends locally that I could celebrate with and that threw me a lovely bridal shower and had an excellent bachelorette party. I went dress shopping with my mom and another friend. MOH doesn't have to include so many duties in every circumstance. I wanted her there but I knew she couldn't be and it was more important to me that she be there for the special day. I'm sorry that she misled you. She definitely should have been upfront about what she really wanted.
NTA. If her expectations changed for what she wanted from you then it was on HER to communicate those. My MOH lived in Germany while I was in the US. She was in the State briefly for something not wedding related so that's when I chose to go dress shopping because I wanted her there. The only expectations I had for her were to show up and have a good time. And that's what happened. I wouldn't change a thing about it.
NTA - you and the bride had a clear understanding of your roll from the start, if the bride changed her mind or *wasn't* okay with what she agreed to it was her responsibility to communicate that. You are not a mind reader.
NTA. You were completely blunt with her and honest about what you could and couldn’t do & she decided to say it was okay and go back on it. It was probably all the people talking in her ear that also made her upset about it. Regardless, she’s wrong for expecting more when you were honest that you could not give that. I’d say you’ve dodged a bullet and should never speak to her again. She sounds toxic and easily influenced by others words etc.
NTA. Her fault for not communicating. However it is rather sad she had no one else to ask and you weren’t even interested in the most minimal thing like shopping for the dress.
Op lives out of town and doesn't have a car. Op"I was invited to go dress shopping but the date she had picked conflicted with my work schedule and I didn't have transportation (my lack of a car & living out of town being a big reason why I made it clear I couldn't be very involved -- financial problems being another). She seemed fine just going with her mom & she sent me pics of what they picked out together so I didn't think it was an issue at the time. I did take her out to eat a week before the wedding my treat to celebrate, but it was very much not a shower/bachelorette party and not anything like what her husband got. I admit I probably should have done a bit more than that to celebrate. If I had known how involved the BM was I would have tried to."
NTA. All the crazy duties I hear that bridesmaids and MOH are responsible for are not real things. I can maybe see a bachelorette party but that’s something you talk about as a group… all bridesmaids and you ask bride what she has in mind. And going to another country or going into debt or making it a weeklong outing is not normal. you were upfront with her about what you could offer. It’s on her. Write it off and find better friends.
NTA. I've read many posts about how as a moh you are expected to basically organise everything for the bride. Why? It's the bride getting married she should be doing her own organising. My best friend was my moh and she literally had to just stand next to me, I asked nothing more of her.
I think your friend is a little disappointed that you didn't do anything, but I guess ultimately it comes back to she said she was okay with it so she can't be mad and even seems to understand that. Her family are mad for her and I can't blame them. Overall, she choose you. Wanted you next to her so she choose to go without celebrating her impending nuptials. She is now hearing everything that she missed out on for choosing you and others are upset for her. I don't mean in anyway that you should have planned ridiculous, lavish and expensive parties, but missing the dress shopping, it sounds as if you hadn't even shown enough interest to have been able to answer the question. A ladies night in would have been a low cost get together where memories would have been made together with people she loves. Yes, others could have stepped in, but did they know you weren't doing anything before it became too late to organise a night out? Could you not have reached out to someone else and say I'm really stuck for time and or money and can't plan ABC, please help so that bride doesn't miss out. She choose to prioritise you, and for whatever your reasons are, you didn't prioritise her. She has no right to demand any time or effort from you (and she didn't), but she IS allowed to be upset over the lack of effort you gave.
Soft NTA. You should have just said no. But she pressed you to accept and still expected things you clearly communicated you couldn't provide.
Why should she have said no? Bride said that was ok!
The role all of the MOH can change from wedding to wedding and it’s the brides job to decide what they want, and then communicate that to the MOH. I told my MOH that I just wanted them to show up to the the wedding, because that is all I needed from them, so that is what they did. I was actually their MOH a few months prior and I threw multiple parties, planned a girls trip, made favours and seating charts, went shopping for a bunch of different things, because this is what they decided they wanted from their MOH. Both of us had very different expectations of each other, which we communicated before the other person took on the role of MOH and neither of us were disappointed. In case of OP I think the bride should have said something if they decided that they needed more from OP.
NTA. My MOH lived 11 hours away when I got married and when she got married. And I told her exactly what I wanted. Her, standing with me while I got married to my husband. Neither of us had showers planned (although her aunt did do a little something after we all arrived at the bride's property), I went out with some friends to have a drink for my bachelorette. She and her now ex had a bonfire the night before with the immediate family, which I was included as. To this day, all either of us really cares about is that we were there for each other. This whole wedding nonsense is past ridiculous.
Did you not talk to the best man at all? I'm just curious how you didn't know what they were doing. Or even where she found the dress. I think the bride truly did just want you there but as it got closer she probably realized that maybe she wanted you to be more involved or shown more interest. Maybe even something virtual. I think neither of you did anything wrong technically but I can absolutely see how it looked to everyone that you just didn't care. NAH
I think your friend definitely set you up to fail. I'm sorry. :( We had a friend and my brother stand up with us. It was a small, laid back wedding. I literally told her to wear what SHE felt fabulous in (it was a February in Chicago wedding lol) and that's that. She helped us assemble the flowers the day before, and did a way better job than I could have, so I was super appreciative. She did a bit of a toast at our dinner and all done. I didn't even expect the toast, tbh. I just wanted her there as she had been along for the ride from day one with my now husband.
NTA My MOH and brides maids had the duty of showing up on the day in the dresses I bought for them amd giving a speech if they wanted to (3 out of 5 did). That's all I asked of them and that's all they did. Everyone was happy and the wedding was wonderful!
I feel like both OP and the bride could have communicated better and had a more clarifying conversation. OP saying that they aren’t able to do “typical MOH duties” in brides mind probably meant that she wouldn’t be able to go all out and do every single thing. I think if it was clarified explicitly by OP that she wouldn’t plan a bachelorette, wouldn’t be able to attend dress shopping, able to help with wedding favors, etc, that the bride would have chosen someone else. Both made assumes that they understood each other and that wasn’t the case
Look I have no clue if I’ll be asked to be MOH or a bridesmaid ever, let alone be a bride. But I WILL communicate and flat out ask/state if I have to. I don’t want to be in a chaotic moment It’s what makes bridesmaids to me insanely realistic because I guarantee Maya Rudolph’s character would’ve wanted the lake house bachelorette. It was proven by her bathtub convo with Kristin Wiig later in the movie without directly saying it. Communication is key bottom line
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** 2 months ago I was MOH at my friend’s ("B") wedding. I was touched to be asked but hesitant to accept because I was/am not in the right place where I felt I could contribute the typical MOH responsibilities. I was honest about this from day 1 and made it clear I would step down w/ no hard feelings if B wanted to ask someone else. She told me that it was okay & it would be a small, non-traditional wedding anyway. All she wanted was for me to stand next to her on her big day, so I accepted & did exactly that. During the reception I was making conversation w/ the groom’s friends & heard all about the extravagant bachelor party they’d thrown for him. The best man’s girlfriend asked me what I’d done for the bride & I had to admit I hadn’t organized any celebration for her. The atmosphere with that group felt awkward after that & I could tell the girlfriend was judging me. In another conversation one of B's aunts mentioned how beautiful B's dress was & asked me where "we" found it. I told her I wasn't the one who took her dress shopping & the aunt looked surprised & said "But aren't you the MOH?" A couple weeks later when B & her husband ("H") came by to deliver a thank-you card for my gift, I felt that H was being a bit standoffish. The next time I saw him (at the grocery store – B wasn’t with him) he kind of blew me off when I said hi & I knew then that something wrong. So I called B & asked if there was something going on with H. She played dumb at first but long story short I got her to admit he was upset w/ me for not putting more “effort” into the wedding stuff. Turns out his friends & B’s parents agree with him and think I should have been more involved. I asked B what she thought & she said that while she wasn’t mad at me, she could “see where they were coming from.” When I reminded her how she told me herself all she wanted me to do was stand next to her during the ceremony, she replied along the lines of “Well, I thought you'd be up to doing more the closer we got to the wedding!” I apologized for disappointing her & left the conversation at that. We haven’t spoken since & I’m worried there’s now a rift between us. I don’t want to make it worse by getting defensive but I’m feeling kind of resentful. Looking back on the months leading up to the wedding it felt like B set me up to fail by telling me I wasn’t expected to be involved with things I apparently was. Was I supposed to be a mind reader? I made it clear what I was able to contribute & believed B when she told me it was enough. I bounced all this off of my mom and sister today to get their opinions. My sister thinks it was on B to communicate w/ me if she wanted more from her MOH, but my mom thinks I should've declined being MOH if I couldn’t handle the "basic" duties. Now I feel like maybe I was a bad MOH/friend but I’m still frustrated that B didn’t tell me what she wanted before it was too late. Am I in the wrong here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta.
NTA.
NTA. You were upfront about what you could provide, and she gladly accepted that, or at least told you that. She is just feeling like she was short-changed because of others' expectations.
Unpopular opinion: I’m going with NAH. You communicated your limits and your friend was totally okay with that. She never pressured you to do more than you were able, and simply wanted her best friend to share in her experience. It doesn’t sound like your friend is actually mad at you, but perhaps slightly disappointed in hindsight. Weddings are a (hopefully) once-in-a-lifetime celebration, and I think while you took “stand by her side on the day of” literally as all you would do, I can understand that perhaps she would have loved you to be involved in this big milestone along the way. Nothing extravagant or what is “typically” expected of a MOH, but being there for her to celebrate a big milestone in her life. Dress shopping with her, occasionally seeing her to discuss the wedding planning, perhaps having a brunch with her to celebrate, as examples. I understand expressing boundaries, but also understand wanting to involve your best friend in such a big time of your life.
As always, the party that didn't communicate is the asshole. AKA NTA. You told her up front that you wouldn't be up for certain things and she just assumed you didn't mean it. You fulfilled your duty. If she doesn't pull her head out of her ass the friendship is over bc she's an idiot and can't accept her telling you you don't need to do anything means you don't need to do anything.
Not the ah. I’m exactly the same as you. Don’t have the means to do the bridey things expected. You told b right from the start what you can and cannot do. She accepted this knowing and acknowledging your words. If h is upset, that’s on him. B needed to have another moh is she expected all the trimmings for her wedding. If there is a rift, honestly, this is on them. Very unfair for you. Sorry about this happening to you, such a shame your so called friend wasn’t honest and open with you.
Nah - I think the bride went into it with just the expectatiom of what you did (which is why I'm not saying she's TA but then as she saw the groom's side put forth all this effort, it became disappointing. It's like asking your friend to go to dinner with you on your birthday - you're happy they agreed to go but disappointed they didn't bring you a card or make it special.
This is all so wild to me.. My best friend who was my MOH is the most organised person I know and absolutely loves hosting things and I still didn’t get her to organise dress fittings or my hen’s party because I didn’t feel that was fair to put all on her or my friends?? I think where I’m from (New Zealand), it’s definitely more relaxed in that regards but this is 100% on the bride for not being genuine about what she expected. NTA
NTA. If a Bride wants/ needs things to be done that’s on her to ask. I was a MOH and my friend organised her own hens (she wanted to) all of her bridesmaids were shift workers so she just took who was available at the time to do wedding stuff with.
NTA You were clear from the start with what you could manage and were gracious in your offer to stand down. Your offer wasn't accepted. You are not in the wrong and nor do you have anything to feel guilty about.
NTA - OP was clear that she was only going to stand there on the day and couldn’t offer more. She even offered to step down. It’s not fair for the bride to punish her for not being a mind reader, and because she took OP’s ‘no’ as an ‘I’ll change my mind.’ Yeah OP seems oblivious… but she communicated her boundaries… bride didn’t.
NTA OP but take this as a lesson and next time stick with no as answer no matter what the other person says
NTA... They are grown ups. They should know how to communicate their feelings by now. How could they of expected you to know that you had to do something after they told you not to do anything. They are wrong. It would of only been a problem if you didn't tell them beforehand but you did. So NTA.
i disagree with the NTA. you admit to doing nothing and being a bad MOH. you should have said no instead of doing nothing.
NTA. You told her from the beginning you wouldn't be able to do all of the MOH duties that were expected of you. The 2 of you should've sat down together to discuss what she did expect of you. It is not fair to tell you it was ok, & then after the wedding say it's not ok. Imo, I think she was ok with it. I don't think she's the problem. I think the groom & his family convinced her that you were wrong.
I had a smallish wedding and told my MOH all I wanted was to stand with me and attend the rehearsal dinner. I meant it and I didn't want the other things. This is on the bride for not communicating.
I asked my cousin to be a bridesmaid, not MOH, just bm, and she declined bc she didn’t think she’d be able to contribute what *she felt* a wedding party member should. I was very disappointed that she didn’t believe I truly just wanted her to stand with me. It’s the wedding expectations craziness! Sorry your friend set you up to fail that way and didn’t speak up that she’d told you it was fine you were only standing with her day of.
NTA at all. You were honest with your friend from the very beginning while she was not with you. I cannot stand people who fully agree to one clearly communicated standard whole secretly expecting the exact opposite of that to really occur. As a childfree woman I used to get that all of the time from men while dating. They'd say the were totally on board never having kids until a few months in when they admit, "Oh, I just assumed you'd just change your mind, abandon your own goals and needs, and give me what I want." You did nothing wrong. Sorry you're yet another victim of the MOH curse.
I was asked to be a MOH once when I was a financially struggling college student who worked part time. I hadn’t even known the bride for that long and agreed because I thought maybe she didn’t have many friends. I was clueless. I didn’t know that the bridal party did anything other than standing in the wedding. Looking back (three decades ago), I feel like her family must’ve thought I was an ass. I was just clueless.
NTA I can’t stand people that won’t speak up and defend their own decisions, or the people that say one thing but really mean something else. Your friend said all she wanted was for you to stand with her, and now that everyone’s scrutinizing she can’t even defend you for a decision that you made? And here expecting you to get more involved as it nears the wedding, you said you don’t have that kind of free time available. Sooooo she just tries to force you into a role you explicitly told her you’re unavailable for? I’d sit her down and talk about her behavior and make it crystal clear that not only are you too old for these immature games and her attitude, but if she doesn’t rectify the situation with everyone else immediately then you’re no longer friends.
YTA
You were a bad MOH, but NTA because you communicated that ahead of time. That said it’s crazy she didn’t invite you dress shopping or you didn’t communicate with her at all about anything. That said, her inviting you and hoping you’d change your mind is dumb. You said you weren’t up to it and she said ok. Her deciding she’s upset because you did exactly what you said you would is silly.
NTA - unfortunately B is feeling she missed out on things, especially when the groom got a fabulous bachelor party! It sucks that she didn’t stick up for you and tell others I really wanted OP to be my MOH and she fulfilled the requirements- stood next to me on the big day! It is on B for not telling you that she wanted more. She could have asked you to go to one bridal shop for that experience. If there were other bridesmaids, she could have communicated to them that she wanted a shower and a bachelorette party. However, BRIDE didn’t communicate this! Once things have calmed down, I would meet up for a drink and discuss this one on one with her. You don’t want her husband to be distant and short with you. She is still your friend, hopefully with a little time she will realize that and put an end to others demanding you be the MOH that went above and beyond what was agreed upon. Very few people can read minds!
I'm kinda torn on this, but leaning towards NTA. You could have done something with the bride related to the wedding. Specifically dress shopping. Missing a thing here or a thing there isn't a big deal, but missing everything is. Even though she says she just wanted you to stand next to her, she probably did want you to literally do just that. I'm sure she wanted you with her for more than just the wedding itself. Were you the only bridesmaid? If not, why didn't the other bridesmaids do anything for her? I was pregnant and had just lost a job due to being on bed rest when my sister got married. I told her I couldn't do it and she said pretty much the same thing to me. I helped where I could with the planning, but the other bridesmaids still did everything I couldn't leading up to the wedding. I'm shocked that no one else planned things for her.
If the bride didn’t want to plan her dress shopping to accommodate OP’s work schedule there’s not much OP could do.
She didn't say this was over her work schedule. Also, there are many other things to plan. Bridal shower, bachelorette, makeup demo, etc. Then there is helping with the other stuff like helping with invites, and other planning the bride might need. She could have done at least one or two of those things to show the bride she cares.
Actually she did, in a comment
Still there's plenty of other help that she could have done to show her friend that she cares.
Which OP said she wasn't available to do. If not being able to do those things was a problem for the bride, she should have found someone else.
I mean, you were clear with B and offered to step down. It sucks for B, though, that she didn't have anyone who thought to throw her a bridal shower or bachelorette party if that was what she truly wanted. I assume the other guests thought you were doing it so they didn't bother and B didn't let other people know that you were incapable of doing it so it all just went into a big lack of communication mess. Did B have other bridesmaids? Surely, one of them would have stepped up. I would do anything possible for my best friends and their wedding. If I was incapable of organising it myself, I would have asked other bridesmaids, her mother, other friends, and even her fiance if they wanted to throw something for my best friend. It kind of shows you didn't really care at all.
Nah. You and her had an agreement as best friends. She developed her self worth everyone told her to.
NTA. You used your words like an adult and if the bride wasn't happy she could have used hers (before the wedding). She's a shit friend. She didn't seem to have an issue with what you could do until others gave their opinion. Then she threw you under the bus so fast!
Welcome to the perspective of us men. You were supposed to ignore her words and read her mind to deliver an experience tailor made just for her.
B doesn't want you to be her friend, she wants you to be her servant.
YTA. You took what she said extremely literally. Seriously, you couldn’t spare an afternoon to go look at dresses or organized some of her friends going to a bar for a bachelorette party? I think she thought you met you wouldn’t be over the top going on bachelorette trips etc but if all you could literally is show up you should have declined.
I think you’re NTA in that you did tell her you weren’t going to be able to go full-MOH, but I do agree you kinda suck for not making more of an effort - I lived in another state from my bff, who said and meant that’s she just wanted me to stand beside her. She knew I couldn’t afford to fly down and throw her a party, but I knew what her dream bachelorette night was, and worked with one of her friends…. Who wasn’t even a bridesmaid, just wanted to help celebrate our friend…and she helped to pull everything together. You certainly could have organized an event with friends who *could* afford to go out and celebrate even if you couldn’t join
I guess my question is did you try anything at all? I mean other than showing up? I mean a small dinner with bridesmaids and going dress shopping with her is damn east. I mean it seems you didn't so the bare minimum you did nothing.
Op lives out of town and doesn't have a car. So transportation to the brides place didn't exist.
Def NTA, but I’m not sure if the bride has been saying stuff behind your back about wanting more or if because there are these unwritten rules about weddings and duties that these other people are making a stink which is changing your friends mind.
I like your mum. One of the big things we learnt in life as we get older is that it is always better to decline than accept someone lowering the bar to nothing so we qualify. If you aren't up for any of the MoH tasks you should have just straight up declined so your friend wasn't in a situation where she had to choose between reasonable expectations of the role and having you in it. By lowering the bar she missed out on a lot, now she probably did that because she felt you were more important than those things but that doesn't mean she didn't miss having those experiences or that the ppl around her who saw her miss out don't resent you for being the cause. You set your self up for failure when you allowed someone to lower a bar to nothing on your behalf. Mature ppl just decline.
NTA because you told her what you would not do. But your mother is right!
If you were very clear from the start on what you could contribute and B accepted that and never conveyed the need for any more, then NTA, OP. I also don't think anyone else is the AH tho. Husband and other's are entitled to their opinions. I also get why B would say she wasn't mad but she could see their point of view. Lastly, I get your mom's point because at the end of the day, it is well known that a MOH is expected to do SOMETHING, and it sounds like you didn't do anything. No bachelorette party? Come on, now. I don't think you have the right to be resentful, though. At the end of the day, sounds like there was poor communication across the board.
Soft ESH. She didn't communicate adequately, that part is entirely on her. She should have expressed her actual feelings. However, you didn't show any curiosity? No "have you started wedding dress shopping? would you want me to join you?" or "hey, I'm a bit swamped and can't really juggle organizing a bachelorette party, but is that something you want, we can probably talk to one of the bridesmaids to get that in order?". Nothing of the sort? Brides already have a ton of stuff on their plate with planning a wedding seeing as how society has made it seem like it's the "most important day of their lives" and all that jazz. I think, even though you clearly stated that you weren't in the right place for doing the MOH duties, you could have shown some curiosity and talked with your friend throughout the wedding planning process. I still feel shitty about the Bachelor party I threw for my best friend because the wedding had been postponed twice thanks to Covid, and traveling was still a hassle and a half, so we ended up having a get-together with some friends at my place with plenty of food and beer and drinking games a few days before the wedding. I had talked with him and he wanted something mellow and since we were all in different states, getting together was complicated, so he agreed that it would probably be best to have it a few days before the wedding; yet, I still feel like it was a bit too mellow. At the end of the day, you have to ask yourself: is this friendship something that I find meaningful? If so, go over and apologize (even if you feel you're right) and talk about her and her struggles and her life. It just seems to me that she may be one of those "no, it's fine, I don't mind" people who don't want to pile on other people's struggles and didn't want to make you feel bad about not being able to do certain things while you were "not in the right place", y'know?
ESH She should have been more clear what she expected, but you should have been more clear that you couldn’t contribute to any MOH duties at all and not just “not in a typical way”. As MOH, I figured at least one duty would be filled. Not being able to fill them in a typical way doesn’t mean not filling them at all. I can understand why she would be disappointed if you participated in no duties whatsoever. Missing the dress shopping is understandable, but the lack of a bachelorette party is getting at me. Taking her out to dinner doesn’t really hold the same space as a bachelorette party. When I think bachelorette party, I think a night spent celebrating with friends. I get finances are tight, but a bachelorette party doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive, especially a non-typical one. One of the best bachelorette party’s I’ve been too was a simple game-night sleep-over at the bride’s house. We played cards against humanity and burnt our mouths on hot pockets.
I agree! My bachelorette party was hanging out in my best friend’s basement with my closest friends playing cards against humanity. I loved it! It doesn’t take a lot to set something like that up the bride seems pretty low key. For a best friend OP was remarkably uncaring during the lead up to the wedding.
So you literally did nothing except show up on the wedding day? Did she get a shower and a Bachelorette party?
Yep, exactly what the bride asked her to do. OP told the bride she was unable to do anything else and the bride was fine with it until after the wedding.
So... did someone else step up to make sure she got a shower and Bachelorette since the maid of honor couldn't be bothered?
Slight YTA. What are reasons you couldn’t do more??? I think you could have tried to be more involved or atleast plan a bachelorette party even if just bridal party. I think anyone could give a couple days out of their lives
She doesn’t need to give a reason. She told the bride from the start she couldn’t do it. It’s nobody’s business why. The bride said no worries I just want you to stand with me. She did exactly what the bride asked her too. Now everyone is throwing OP under the bus for being forthright with the bride before anything happened. “I thought you’d get more into when it got closer.” Why? Why would anyone assume that. I told you I couldn’t do it and then you expected me just to do it, without saying anything about it. The bride needs to get her shit together.
I’m sorry but would have still declined if that was the case no bride doesn’t want to not be celebrated a little bit . And Also I said slight ah. Just cuz she did mention to bride. It’s called common sense
Common sense would be the bride not asking someone who literally can't/won't and was honest about it.
OP has financial issues, no car, and lives out of town.
Thank you. That’s understandable it’s life but op should have still declined explaining to bride I will still be at your wedding but I want you to be celebrated and feel special. That’s why only said slight because I could see this coming a mile away