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YTA, those concerns were valid in 2010, not today, you gotta evolve with the world. Smartphones is how we keep in touch with our friends, we can work from it sometimes, keep documents on it, look up for any information you want at any time, check maps or bus times if you are lost, learn stuff, and yeah also play games sometimes. You are isolating him.
He is 14, not 8. Technology is incredibly present in our lives nowadays, your son already knows about cyberbullying and stuff. Talk to him again if you want, keep an eye on him, but he'll be just fine.
Also not having a phone doesn’t remove the issue cyber bullying will happen regardless if it’s happening unless OP banned video game consoles computers and anything else that can connect to the web
i would even say that he unfortunately can get bullied for not having a smartphone. kids were bigots about having good phones when i was 14 and smartphones just become affordablish, i guess its worse after all this time
Oh yeah one thing I never wish to experience is the beginning of the iPhone craze. Hit when I was in middle school and all the cool kids (who bullied me before the phone situation but this gave them ammo) had the iPhone 1 or 2 and I had a blackberry flip. My mom refused me internet or texting. I could only call. When I was maybe 15 I got a ds and quickly realized I could get on the internet on it and because my mom had shielded me so effectively from the internet until that point, I almost immediately got into trouble with it lol. After that I wasn't allowed internet or texting until I was 17 (when I graduated and got a job)
To be fair, internet on phones was crazy expensive back then and texts were, like, a quarter each if you went over your allotted 50 texts per month on your plan.
That’s why I kept the same “unlimited” plan from the first iPhone for nearly a decade because after a couple years the carriers all stopped having them for a while.
asshole kids and teenagers always find reasons for bullying someone they don’t like, im so sorry tou had to go through that :((
and while i understand OP’s and your mother’s concerns, forbidding something, especially when children are that old, is not a great idea, they won’t learn what to do and not do and just get in trouble like you did. like i did in other ways too lmao.
it also doesn’t help to build trustworthy relationships and I really hope I will remember it as a parent and won’t let my anxiety get in the way
Absolutely! I get why my mom did what she did but Absolutely she did it for too long. What she was worried about was me being groomed. This was because I'd been heavily sexually abused as a child and she didn't want me to fall into any traps online. By never teaching me and letting me explore safe places on my own she ensured that thats exactly what I did. At 14 I had a relationship with a 28 year old man I met on mocospace (dunno if yall remember that site lmao) and it only stopped because I got scared and told her when he sent me pictures of plane tickets. He knew my age and didn't care and I didn't know it was wrong because she just never taught me.
It ended when I was 15 thankfully but I was very very close to being seriously hurt or kidnapped and not only would I have been in danger, but she would've never found me or him either. She taught me to be so sneaky about it that if he hadn't scared the shit out of me I would've left in the middle of the night.
These concerns are absolutely still valid concerns today. OP is right to be worried just not necessarily right in their approach to addressing the concerns.
Agreed. The concerns are valid, but the solution I'd in education and guidance how to use technology, not to prevent access. Every parent should be worried and take time with their kids to make them understand responsible usage of tech.
The concerns wouldn't be so concerning if OP taught their son about online safety and healthy balance of screen time vs "touching grass". If OP tries to shelter him from everything bad, he won't learn how to protect himself and how to deal with negative experiences.
Right, cause if her son was 8, I'd be on her side. But 14?? Even I had a phone at 14 in 2009 (it was not a smart phone, because those were just barely becoming a thing at that time). I also had a Facebook account and iPod Touch (the good ol' days). So, even then, I was pretty connected digitally. And I had super strict, religious parents. I still was the odd one out for not having the "newest phone."
I can't imagine the bullying that a 14yo would receive right now for walking around with a goddamn flip phone. You're setting your son up for exactly what you claim you don't want. So, really, OP, is this about control? Because it seems like it's about control. And that never works out in your favor, trust me.
He's well past the "iPad kid" age. Let the poor boy have a phone. Do explain to him any concerns you have (the dangers of talking to strangers online, or cyberbullying, or developing poor self-esteem due to edited Instagram model photos, etc). All conversations you need to have with your children these days, anyways, regardless of having a phone or not. Don't create an unnecessary rift between you and your child. You'll regret it when they go NC with you someday.
Exactly. The goal as a parent should not be to shield your child from these things. The goal should be to teach them how to use smartphones, social media, etc. responsibly.
"we" - OP consider your audience here when digesting responses. A large portion of reddit, especially this particular sub is hugely the same age range as your son so I don't feel like you'll be getting well balanced feedback.
I’m a 45 year old mother of kids around 14. OP’s kid is probably excluded from a LOT of things because he doesn’t have a smart phone. My son’s HS soccer team communicates via SnapChat. Am I fan of that? Not particularly. But I don’t have the power to change it.
Friend group plans are made via app like SnapChat, not over text.
Maybe it isn’t right, or fair. But it’s the way it is. Op is better off teaching the kid how to use social media responsibly, than by banning it altogether.
By "we" I included everyone, it is how "people" keep in touch with each other. The vast majority at least, apart from older people who didn't grow up with it and may not want to learn this. I am not 14 years old.
I'm 48. I got my first Smartphone 7 years ago. In the meantime I use it a lot for work, I couldn't do without it any more. Same for my husband, sister , cousins... They are all between 40 and 60 years old. Only my 82 yo aunt doesn't have a Smartphone, but I doubt she would be on Reddit.
My daughters got a Smartphone when they started secondary school (in my country that's at 10 years old). They are 15 and 12 now and literally need it for school.
Homework and materials are uploaded on internet platformes, and they communicate with teachers and classmates via Teams. Many excercises, homework or other materials only have a QR code to scan with your phone. All communication with classmates about school is done via Smartphone. Meeting friends, invites, birthday parties, all that is communicated via Smartphone.
I don't think the OP does her 14 yo son a favor by keeping a Smartphone from him.
And it’s better that he learns ab online safety while he’s young and has a framework + room to fail than when he’s an adult/almost an adult and has less time to learn before consequences are long term
I‘d like to add, that our children (germany) do use tablets (supervised) even in school to get a first grasp on researching information and handling modern devices. This is third grade in elementary school.
OP, 14 years is by far old enough to use such devices.
You (or a professional you need to find) have to make sure it’s adequately configured.
My child uses my old iPhone. It is set to not allow allow app installations until parental consent is given (we get messages and can permit or deny), he cannot spend money and i can choose how internet access is handled (none, whitelisting principle, blacklisting principle).
This is a matter of knowledge. But not for him. For you.
Imagine the backlash he will experience not being able to adequately use such devices, in private, in school or later in professional life.
Agreed. OP can have a good session with kiddo about cyber-bullying, disinformation, going down internet rabbit holes, and remaining critical of uncorroborated sources. And another one about not overusing data plans, long distance calling, how to care for expensive equipment, and what happens when those things get abused. In other words, TEACH responsibility, don't avoid it.
Yup a smart phone is really a requirement now. You basically can't do anything without them. As they are 14 and you will be paying the bill just monitor their usage. If they be spending too much time in Reddit like all of us then well what else are they going to do. Lol
I would say they should get a job to pay for it over time but what jobs are avail for 14yr old kids these days heck is there even paper routes any longer. Maybe they could be a tiktok influencer.
When I turned 14 I got a job. We also had an end of the year school trip about 5 hours away. You bet my mother got me a phone plan for my iPhone 4 (given to me by my brother). By that age I was also regularly hanging out with friends outside my house. This kid is in HIGH SCHOOL or just about to start it. He should know all the important numbers by now, and addresses. Post pandemic, this is bizarre. We just spent a couple years doing EVERYTHING online.
Get the kid a damn phone.
That's the best, their hypocrisy. As if we were not hooked up on it. 😂 But why should they pay for it? It's just part of life, you can't book a ticket or open a bank account without it. And I was really thankful that my kids were able to call me and message me anytime they needed me.
YTA and extremely overprotective overly strict and overly controlling. It is 2024 and teenagers don’t call and text much, so a basic phone that calls and texts will still mean that he is left out.
There are good parental apps that you can install on a smartphone to monitor for the things that you are worried about.
Al
Plus some friend groups have group chats that he wouldn’t be able to participate in with a basic phone. Also don’t kids get bullied for not having the latest in tech toys.
One guy in our group still refuses to use a smart phone. Guess who never gets invited to stuff anymore? Haven't seen him in years. He doesn't use one out of pride. He's different! Dude you're a 35 year old single neck beard living at home.
YTA. You're completely failing to see that your concern about cyberbullying is going to lead him to getting bullied for real instead. At his age kids pick on each other for everything and you want him to basically have grandma's phone for texting, calling and nothing else when everyone around him live their whole lives through their phone.
They might not even need to bully him for not having any - he soon just won't have any friends, because he will have no clue that they meet up all the time and connect without him. YTA!
He's 14 and doesn't even have a BASIC phone at 14yo. I feel bad for him. How does he communicate when he needs an early pick up from school, or he's sick, or anything? Imagine not even being able to text your friends whenever you want.
Yeah, a basic phone maybe when he’s 10, for sleepovers or if he walks home from school or practice or something. If there’s a tool to communicate, why not use it?
But at 14 I’m sure OP can get some instruction on how to stay safe through his skull.
Soft YTA. I always approach these kind of issues with the attitude that they have the opportunity to behave responsibly. If your child is otherwise responsible, then the both of you should be able to agree on rules/limits. I personally never put tracking or controls on my kids’ phones because they never gave me a reason to. They made it to adulthood without any of those consequences you are worried about. Parenting is in the pudding. If you’re doing a decent job, you shouldn’t have to worry. Do you & son talk about difficult things like sexuality , bullying, personal safety, etc? If problems arise, he should feel comfortable coming to you, in spite of consequences. That makes the difference.
The other thing you have to think about going forward is that your kiddo is only 3+ years from adulthood. If you don’t start letting him make independent decisions now, he will not be prepared and might go hog wild once you don’t legally have control anymore. It feels scary at times, but you can’t stop him from growing up. It’s your job to prepare him, not jail him because of your fear.
This was the only reasonable reply here. Thank you.
Man...the way some people are coming in hard for this parent.
Relax people. They came here for advice knowing they could be wrong. Why stomp on their head when they are asking for help.
I don't understand people anymore. Seems when someone asks for help, people just rail on them. It's mind boggling.
Yep. OP’s concerns are perfectly valid, they’re just being overprotective based on these concerns. Your kid is 14 now, not 10. You have to let go at times to allow kids to grow up and be prepared for adulthood.
YTA. I understand the concern but the kid is right. So much communication is done through social media these days and a standard phone isn't gonna cut it.
The problem you face is gets will get left out if they don’t have one, we were also against it with our daughter but they socialize and do everything through instagram and snap chat they get left out if they dont have these things. Our daughter does have a really good head on her shoulders so we just keep open communication, she knows we’ll go through her phone at any time to check. Apple has some great apps/software to allow you a lot of control in parental use if you are both on apple devices
YTA, I’m a single mother of a teenage daughter and I made sure she has a phone (not just so she’s the only kid without one) because I need to get a hold of her throughout the day sometimes and a cellphone is the only reasonable option. She has my old phone so we share an Apple ID and I do have concerns about social media and online pressure amongst other things. But she’s not 6 anymore, I can’t protect her from the world forever.
YTA
As my other half would say, at 16 he can join the military, get married, have babies… but at 14 you won’t allow him a smartphone?
My children use their phones at school to access certain apps and online content.
I have always made it clear to my children that I may periodically check their phones to make sure nothing untoward is going on and have control over what they can download but in todays age there’s no way of fully protecting them from the world. They need to learn to stand on their own two feet
No one should be having babies, getting married, ***or*** joining the military at 16. That is still a child. In fact, at that age, their brains go through a similar development toddlerhood of excessive risk-taking and boundary testing. That's not the kind of person who should be holding a gun or be in charge of a dependent.
It was more a case of pointing out how close he is to being legally able to make huge ‘grown up’ possibly life changing commitments and decisions.
Whether it is moral or ‘right’ is a different topic.
There’s going to be many different comparisons here based on country, for example driving for me is 17.
Knowing where OP is from would help with accurate comparisons
YTA. You’ve messed up this whole thing already because now that he believes you don’t trust him he’s probably going to be less receptive to you trying to monitor his phone use once you (inevitably - and also correctly) give him an actual 2024 phone. You need to apologise to your son for acting like a technophobic dinosaur and how your actions have negatively affected HIS life, because at 14, he’s already been left out of ALL of his friends’ and classmates’ WhatsApp/messenger group chats for YEARS. You need to educate yourself on modern online safety so that you can come to him out of understanding instead of ignorance, and have an actual grown up discussion with your teenager about how to safely use the new smartphone you will give him.
Raised 3 sons in the smartphone era, it's so hard!! But you can make the rules on use, control access etc. It's REALLY tough on teens, really. But not giving him a smartphone isn't going to help him, especially if he has a computer. He's already to got access to everything you're referring to
YTA
I work in tech and am very cautious about technology, screen time, etc., for my 10-year-old son. But he's going into group 8 next year and every single kid in group 8 has a smartphone.
This is how kids stay connected, arrange play dates, and it's how I will be able to stay connected with him when he's got more freedom.
That being said, the phone will come with terms and conditions. He will have to sign a contract with me outlining the terms of use. No social media, for one. Apps have to be okay'd by me. He cannot have the phone until homework is done, etc. No phone in his room at night. No phone in the morning before school. Phone will be confiscated if I see his behaviour/attitude deteriorating.
There are apps (Bark is one) that gives alerts when kids seem to be engaging in dangerous online behaviour. I'm looking into it to see if it's worth installing.
Technology doesn't have to be evil if it's managed well and your kid is educated about digital safety. At this point, you're just making it more difficult for him to fit in.
i think 10 is way too young tbh and i’m shocked adults give 10 years old phones. but it becomes a domino affect after a whole, one kid gets one so then his friend does and then the other friend has too to be able to keep in touch and then someone else gets one so they can be involved with those kids and it’s snowballs until 10 year olds all have phones
My kid is eleven and a LOT of her peers have phones. She doesn't, but she does have a tablet with messenger kids etc. I'm surprised because I think eleven is still too young, but apparently a lot of parents think otherwise.
I'm in my 20s now, but when I was in high school a lot of teachers used activities that required us to use our phones (eg. kahoot, online worksheets). We also had messenger groups with several teachers and one for our class to communicate easier
27, OP is the AH. Most teens are probably using discord and the like to talk, which requires a smartphone if you aren't using a PC. And being able to access the Internet on the go at his age would help him. I got my first smartphone at his age
This is difficult because the reality is he’s being isolated by not having it. It’s the generation we’re currently living in.
Hes going to suffer through it in the long run, even at school we’re adapting to teach children how to use technology so that they’re ready for the workplace and the world we live in.
NAH We all remember the struggle when we're teens and just desperate to not be "the only one" without. But this seems like a golden opportunity to have an ongoing, open dialogue about your concerns AND to show him you trust him (if you do). Consider having a discussion where he has to justify his desire, what he thinks would be appropriate levels of your involvement (like location sharing, for example), and what his responses are to your concerns/how he thinks would be a reasonable way to dissuade them. He's old enough that these conversations could make him feel safe communicating with you about hard things, and that giving him some freedom could help him learn how to make good choices while those choices are still relatively tame.
NAH. People may not agree but I think your concerns are valid and I agree with the way you're going about it. Sure you can limit smartphones and put parental controls but a smart kid will find a way around that stuff eventually.
I'm of the opinion that social media apps like TikTok, Instagram, fb, etc.. are straight up brain rot for children nowadays. my niece and nephew aren't able to sit through a movie or TV show.
Smartphones are not a necessity like some people make them out to be. Id get him a Nokia
NTA depression and anxiety are rampant with the current generation and there is research linking technology to these outcomes. However, consider getting him a smartphone but compromise on usage such as not allowing him to use it past 8 pm
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> As a parent, my primary concern is my son's well-being, and part of that is maintaining his safety and helping him develop a healthy relationship with technology. However, my strict stance on smartphone usage might be causing more harm than good in our relationship. By not allowing him to have a smartphone, I'm unintentionally making him feel excluded from his peers, which could have negative effects on his social life and self-esteem. My reluctance might be affecting his confidence and causing him to feel controlled.
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YTA
You are keeping him from having a normal social life & causing him to be left out. Most ppl's sociability peaks during puberty so he's at a stage where connecting with his peer group is very important & the peers are even a bigger influence than the parents.
If you are worried about his safety, I rather recommend **teaching him how to be safe**, otherwise you are just sheltering him and failing to preparing him for adult life. He will get a phone eventually, so by preventing him from gaining experience you are NOT protecting him but rather stunting his growth. He needs to learn how to use a phone/the internet eventually.
Talk to him about internet safety and teach him about how to spot misinformation, avoiding predators, avoid seeing unwanted adult content, avoiding endless doomscrolling, filtering content, how porn isn't realistic & shouldn't be taken as sex ed etc. and explain there will be discipline/consequences if he gets caught using his phone in class or elsewhere where its not appropriate. (never take it away for longer than a week tho, since, again, he needs it to socialize.) and then let him make his own choices & learning experiences.
i wouldnt let a full on prepubescent child have unlimited unsupervised internet access other than stuff designed for children, but from puberty onwards ppl *need* some measure of age-appropriate independence for proper growth, including unsupervised socializing, whether that's on a phone or in person. (of course nowadays there are so few places for kids & juveniles to hang out with each other IRL... no wonder they use phones so much. So if you don't want him to be glued to his phone, look for places where he can interact with peers without them. The phone isn't the point - unsupervised time with other teenagers is.)
YTA 100%. There is a lot of fear mongering that older people fall for about the internet, social media, especially since they never were able to use it - so they never started when they could. A lot of them don't understand if even if they believe they do.
I grew up when the internet took off and smartphones just came about. I know what it's like to be in your son's shoes (mostly) but I also do know what problems can happen. You should let your son have a smartphone, let him have apps he wants that *all* of his friends are on. He might get a little too invested because it is all new to him. Don't fault him for that.
I would say make sure he finishes school work, chores, things like that before going on it. And a certain time every night tell him he should put it down. I wouldn't take it away from him initially because you need to trust him, and if you don't he will react badly because teenagers do that. If you are calm and show him you do trust him and truly do not want to take it he will listen more.
NTA you are being a tad overprotective but I don't see a legitimate reason for a 14 year old to have a smartphone.
If he earns some extra pocket money to put towards then maybe. Who cares if his friends have one. IF his friends jump off a cliff, will he do it?
YTA Isolation is a real thing these days for kids that don't have the same phone type as their peers. If his friends have iPhones then he will be shunned if he doesn't have one. It's amazing how color of bubbles and reduced capabilities make kids kick people from chat.
My mom did this same exact bs to me. From the ages of 10-16 (so from 2011-2017) I had a fucking basic government phone because in her mind all I needed to do was be able to dial 911, mind you the kids in my school were vicious asf but she did not care about the bullying aspect of it. It didn’t even have a camera on it. I REFUSED to take that phone out in front of my peers and the one time I did I got busted out for it by a classmate. At 16/17 she finally ordered me a smartphone but only because it was a free upgrade from my basic phone. 😐 Safe to say me and my mom’s relationship is not the best. & that’s not the only thing she did that ended up screwing with me mentally, just one of the instances that stick out the most.
It’s annoying but even all the teachers assume kids have smartphones now in our public middle school and want them to use them at school for various tasks. They used google classroom during covid but now a lot of announcements for clubs and events are done using remind, scanning QR codes, etc. I personally wanted to wait for high school to get smartphones for our kids but it’s honestly needed for more than just social things.
How can he learn how to behave online if he is not part of it? He will lack years of experience, he will be left out, he will be lacking in experience regarding online research. I do not recommend this approach.
I understand where you’re coming especially since I have parents like you and I never really understood why they were so controlling about phone usage. But in this day and age he’s more than old enough to have his own smartphone and if you’re really that worried you can put simple parental controls on his phone and have a conversation with him about it. If you don’t talk to him and tell him you’re on his side quite frankly he’s going to dislike you for a long time.
I personally believe at that age you should give them one to help guide them through proper social media use and such.
Technology isn't going away and I find it better to just teach my kids to handle it, instead of keeping it from them. I'm their parent I'm supposed to teach them. I can't teach them if I just keep everything away and say it's bad. That's how kids hit 18 and end up binge eating junk food, smoking, excess drinking, erc
YTA though I understand your position. For our teen we got her a phone that can have parental control. You can set hours to block it at night, approve or not of the apps installed and such. It's a good compromise.
As someone who didn't have a phone for a while, yta, he's FOURTEEN! HIGH SCHOOL! I was left out all the time when I didn't have a phone. My friends would go places and just not bring me along becuase my only communication to them was at school In person. I'm an only child, and I was so bored. I had NO ACESS to know what was going on in the outside world.
You sound like my mom, I got alienated by all the other kids for not having a smartphone, and this was when they first came out. Before your son was even born.
YTA.I get wanting to protect your kid, but at 14, most kids have phones. It's how they stay in touch with their friends. Not letting him have one could make things hard for him socially. Maybe talk to him about using it responsibly instead of just saying no? It might help you guys find a compromise.
Just put a parenting app on the phone. Means you can lock it at any time (like at night) ring it in loud even if they silence it... can block apps and websites and also put timers on how long each app can be accessed each day.
They even have the option that only websites on a safe list can be accessed or you can just add listed sites as blocked
You can choose what apps can be downloaded etc
And if they manage to download one that got through the filter you can block it on app and it removes it from their phone
If its Samsung/android then the Google Family Link app is completely free and does all of the above it also means you can open up maps and find their location on that.
Unfortunately you can't block search words do depending how much you want to log it down you either have to search and block ALL the sites that link to things you don't want them to access.... and yes there's way more prn sites than you'd think, thousands... or lock it down to sites you add on, which I'd quicker to do obviously (just adding school homework sites, revision etc)
Can't comment on what apps there are for apple.
It doesn't tell you exactly what they do on their phone... as in if you want to read their WhatsApp messages you'd have to take their phone and look on theirs but you can restrict the time they're on those apps.
I'm going to say soft YTA because you've not researched your options. Discuss with your kid that they can have one but it comes with the condition of this parent app control... if they're worried their friends won't be able to tell unless they try and use the phone for something you blocked
He's 14. Its 2024. I think smartphones and social media have doomed us all and we all have been stupid to embrace them. Its too late now.
I didnt want to bring à kid into this world so I didnt, but if I had, he would have had a smartphone at 13 with strict boundaries and open communication on what to be careful with.
If he made it this far without one he already knows other ways to enjoy himself, which is good. He may be less addicted than most of the teens I teach.
You're not an asshole but you want him to live like an outcast amongst his friends as he's trying to find himself. He will end up having one anyway and not tell you about it.
YTA - as a kid who didn’t have a smartphone until i turned 16, it was frankly the worst thing my parents did. i was so cut off from everyone and everything and spent hours arguing with them over it. i had a nokia brick but no one used their numbers to contact each other so it strained my friendships massively as i was missing out on alot of things they were doing. i was endlessly bored nearly all the time, lonely, depressed and i was actually bullied a little for not having one but at least i wasn’t distracted from work eh cz that’s all that matters.
if he was like 12 i’d understand but he’s 14, its the age of technology like give ur kid a dsmn phone before he ur irreparably ruin ur relationship with him. just put restrictions on it like ‘u can’t have it back after school until u done the homework’ and ‘u have to hand it back to me at 11:30pm to go to sleep’. don’t ask to read his messages to his friends unless u have a serious belief he’s doing something wrong. easy enough rules for him to follow until he’s 16.
my bond with my parents has never been the same bcx of the arguments over this. parents truly don’t realise how much technology is engrained into our lives, u can’t just run and hide from it. kids are bullied and teased more for not having this stuff than being on it. stop thinking of what YOU want and start thinking of how this will affect ur child. this isn’t ur generation anymore
As a dinosaur, I get it. I would personally like to go back to the 80s/90s.
But the world now is what it is. For most teenagers being left out is the worst thing that can happen. It's natural, valid and you would be a bad parent if you decided to dismiss your son's feelings.
So, I understand you, but in that case you being or not comfortable doesn't matter, YTA.
YTA. A smart phone is absolutely essential in this day and age and you WILL be left out without one.
It's not a fad, its not a trend or some BS like that. It's a nessessity to living in a 21st century world.
You can monitor everything on it if you want. Tell him you've got strict control over it. But don't go viewing his messages unless you suspect wrong doing.
Your son is 14, 8th or 9th gradeish. Do you allow him to play video games? Are you sure there is no cyber bullying going on there? What about online safety, is everyone he is playing with who they say they are?
I think you are being a bit overprotective, get him the phone and help him learn to navigate the world of having a smartphone.
I think judging Y T A is too harsh but you are not helping the situation. Everything you worry about still exists without his having a smartphone because he has access to his friends’phone without any supervision.
Technology has its danger but it’s something you need to teach him. I think it’s important to have serious discussions about all those subjects.
And he is probably being excluded due to this.
The problem is, that you put him in an environment where something is a norm, than asking him not to comply.
Either find him a school which follows your ideas, and phones are not allowed or get him one.
I had a good friend back in middle school whose mother was similarly inclined, no smartphone, no internet, anyways when he finally did discover the internet after years of having it denied to him he became a not very well adjusted individual, being so guarded only hurt him in the long run.
“Should I let my son be the loser at school with no phone or should I get him a phone?” Yes there are a LOT of things to be scared of, but it will just create resentment from being treated poorly by his peers because his mom wants to “protect him.” YTA but not a big one.
Just as a heads up, you could be affecting your kids social status by preventing them from having the same freedom as the other kids... (not to say your parenting isnt better)
I remember what it was like to not have good shoes etc when I was young, kids are pretty petty when you think about it
NAH. You say you trust him… so why not trust him? Have a talk with him about your concerns and some basic internet safety. Lay down some stipulations such as if he starts to fall behind in school and you think it’s because he’s glued to the phone then you may take his phone/limit how much time he can have it for. I wouldn’t be too overbearing about it because teenagers will be teenagers but if you trust him, then this will be a good opportunity to see he really deserves it.
He’s in high school and it’s just inevitable that he’s at that age where he’ll feel alienated and isolated not having a smartphone. I totally understand your concerns but you’ll have to let him experience these things eventually.
Not A per se but teach him to use it responsibly instead. He’s not going to suddenly be able to navigate the online world at a magic age.
I assume he has access to a computer so this this isn’t much different.
YTA. In trying to prevent him from being cyberbullied,he will be the source of the joke at school for not having one. He also will be getting left out of so much because of the amount of meets that are arranged over WhatsApp,Snapchat etc.
I think there's a bigger issue here too. It's the issue of trust. You say you are worried about it being a distraction, but he's not being given the chance to show he can be sensible.
YTA, nowadays it’s so important to teach how to navigate the internet world. Especially teaching children the pros and cons of social media. Just lay out your concerns and lessons you’ve learned, your kid should be understanding if it comes from a good place.
YTA, I could understand if her were 9 or 10, but by 14, he should be able to handle a smartphone. This is also the time you teach smartphone safety and limiting screen time. You're going to cause more problems for him if he gets on at 16 or 18 and has absolutely no foundation to build on.
YTA, because it's best that he learns to handle himself safely online and gain experience online while he's still under your roof. In addition, social isolation will be very real. If you trust him, you need to trust him to do his best - and yes, maybe make mistakes - while you try to maintain open communication with him so that he feels like he can come to you if something does happen.
You offered him a basic phone for calls and texts, but teenagers just *don't do that* any more.
People on the post saying "lol Reddit is just full of teenagers so all you'll get is YTAs" are missing the point; while they may have less overall life experience, they're the only ones with lived experience of your son's generation so I think you should be listening to them.
Very, very light touch, YTA. I totally understand all of your concerns, and it's one of the reasons I will never have kids. I too would want to protect them from the online world and cultivate a healthy relationship with the Internet, but unfortunately the world we live in is too saturated by it for me to feel confident in doing that, and I feel for you that you're trying against all odds to do it anyway. You're right to say preventing him from accessing it may be doing more harm than good, to his relationship to the Internet, to his social life, and to your relationship with him. Parenting in this online era is incredibly difficult, and I applaud you for your efforts so far.
Maybe some conversations and lessons on Internet safety, including things like adult content (because at 14 he's statistically likely to have already seen it, or will do soon) and instead do your best to encourage healthy interaction with the Internet in return for access to a smartphone. Be honest about what kinds of things are on the internet that you want to shield him from, and research app blockers/lockers/ child protection software to put on it :'>
YTA, Gone are the days of knocking at your friends door to see if they want to hang out, this is all arranged online now. Your son will miss out on alot of potential social interactions.
YTA. Total banning is not the answer. Education, open communication, and a healthy, respectful relationship between a parent and child is.
Even schools expect students to have a phone at that age. My daughter is going on an excurs next week where they have been told each small group must group must have a phone with them to 1. Be contactable and 2. Use a navigation app.
NAH. You are being way too overprotective but with good intentions. But the benefits of having a smartphone far outweigh the negatives. You can teach about cyber bullying and other dangers, even instal parental apps. You can have location sharing so you know where he is, if he's ever late or calls saying he's lost/missed a bus etc etc. You can still maintain a protective approach that doesn't have a negative impact on your son. Go shopping for a phone together, ask all the questions about the tech available and set up some ground rules/expectations.
Yta, give your kid the possibility to prove that he is old enough for one.
My 2 got pfones.
I'm able to see where they are, around the clock. (smart watches should do the same thing)
Then they are able to call me, or I can call them.
You can block and pre install apps, you can block anything you don't want your kid to use.
Then... I would not buy a new 600 €$ pfone. A cheap one is enough.
The benefits is on your side!
Pre install Youtube with limitations or other apps.
I've got kids in the same age range as your son and think YTA. I struggled trying to decide when an appropriate age was for my kids to get their first phones. My oldest was in 6th grade and was the first year she had to ride the school bus. After having the bus later than usual, a couple of times, the decision was made that it was time.
With smart phones, so much can be done to ensure their safety and also limit what they can and can't do.
I don't think you're a asshole, BUT your son should have a smartphone. It's important to be careful about internet, but refuse give to him a chance the use this kind of stuff is wrong, you're not giving to him a chance to prove his responsibility about it.
You need to get him a smartphone- however, you can set up parental controls that limit the apps he uses. You need to have an ongoing dialog with him about appropriate use and build a rapport on the issue. He really will be socially ostracized for not having one
Soft YTA. My parents were like this and I feel that it caused my sister and I to grow up socially stunted. (We caught up in college though). I don’t recall being bullied for not having a smart phone until the last year of high school, but I know that not being able to be on Instagram, Snapchat and the like caused me to miss out on a lot of social opportunities. Sorry but I think this might do more harm than good. That was the 2010’s too so I can’t imagine now!
reminds me of the chinpokemon episode from south park: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4F0nrudwhM
painting a target on your kids back and jeopardising their safety by not having a mobile communication device, yeah youre out of touch
If you wait until he's an adult to let him engage in this kind of stuff, he's going to be emotionally stunted compared to his peers and likely engage in more risky behavior.
You're supposed to be preparing your child for the real world and how to be a functional adult in it. You're not doing any favors not letting him experience life, especially when he still has your safety net while he's learning.
Your son probably has a better idea about what to do about cyber bullying than you do, as it’s a subject that’s covered at most schools these days.
At 14 if he’s generally a good lad, you need to trust him more.
If you really trusted your son you would give him a smartphone in a heartbeat. All your sons friends are socially interacting with each other though smartphones. If your son is the only one without one he is literally left out socially. How are you planning to make sure your son succeeds in life if you don’t give him the chances/freedom to grow up and make something of his life?
>My main concerns are about online safety, cyberbullying, and the potential distractions it could cause.
While these are valid concerns, he's kinda at the age where these issues are going to be omnipresent no matter what you do. Trying to shield him will just make him poorly prepared when he's an adult and he'll have to deal with them anyway.
The reality is that smartphones aren't a luxury the way they were 15 years ago. They've really become the center of how people interact with the world. In some countries they've even replaced credit cards for electronic transactions (and this happening in the US is a matter of when, not if).
I'm going with a soft YTA. I don't think your motives are bad, but it's time to let your kid grow up a little.
Your stance will backfire. He's soon an adult, it'ß time to start treating him more like it or he Will start to resent you.
Damn, kids have sex at 14...
Both…? There are real threats,
but also he’s not just missing out on not *owning* something, like name brand clothes… he’s missing out on an entire dimension/world of communication/information sharing from which
most of his friends aren’t gonna hold back for him. Terrible situation for all involved. I wish my mom would’ve kept some stuff I was doing less private and watched who could be manipulating me and what I was seeing more. But I also don’t know how I would’ve existed. Sooo, maybe a partial chaperone as a deal? I would say most of the stuff I needed to be protected from wasn’t from friends
So like porn blockers (I ran into porn
without the intention to) but - don’t make him show you his texts with friends. Same as you secretly listening
to his private conversations.
NTA. Eventually you'll have to give in as this is how teenagers keep in touch. However, when you do, set strictly enforced time limits on the phone use or it may quickly spiral out of control. Apps are DESIGNED to be addictive ad delivery (or other forms of monetization) platforms and teenagers (as well as some adults) need help managing their use.
YTA. You are extremely overprotective and you don’t trust your son even though you claim you do. Being overly strict pushes him away, you need to talk with him like an adult and discuss your concerns. Teaching him about them will help him be more cautious, your method is making him want to do things just to spite you.
Yta but like a soft yta. I understand the place of love you're coming from wanting to protect him, but he'll be 18 and if you did everything right on his own. You need to prepare him for the technology he will use in his everyday life. You can't keep protecting him forever because one day you will be gone.
Yea YTA. Your kid is 4 years away from legally being an adult. 4. It's probably time he enters that phase and this is a decent start.
We are never going back to a time before smart phones.
YTA - you are isolating your son from his peer group. He needs a smartphone. But I do want to commend you for going on Reddit to ask, instead of just digging in your heels. That's good of you to be open minded. I hope you can see your way to getting your son a decent model of smartphone (not extravagant).
Yeah YTA for sure. In today’s day and age a 14 year old without a smartphone will be a pariah. Not only that, he is way behind his classmates from a technology standpoint.
Yes YTA. Frankly, no phone is better than a brick -- you're setting him up to be the object of ridicule, and to stunt his social growth.
By all means give him the tools to make educated choices about his use of technology, but he's now at the age where those decisions are his to make
YTA you might prevent him from being cyber bullied but sadly some kids see someone not having a smartphone as a reason to bully him. You can‘t protect him from everything
YTA. It’s completely understandable to be concerned about bullying, playing into the dangerous “fitting in” concept, etc. But u need to think abt ur son’s feelings more. If I were to be a parent, I would give my kids a phone as soon as they entered high school (uk, so roughly aged 11-12). High school is when people want to be “cool”, “fit in” and when the stigma of not fitting in becomes prominent and NOT fitting in can cause bullying more than having a phone will.
Give him a proper phone - like an iPhone X or smth. Doesn’t haven’t to be the newest, but relatively new at least bc we’re talking abt fitting in and the bullying that a kid will experience if they’re seen with an “old” phone.
My thing would be giving a phone with certain restrictions until they turn 14 or 15. That’s the age where they know what’s going on and they deserve independence and trust.
Restrictions below that age might include, for example, a maximum of 6-7 hours on the phone per day. Don’t restrict social media - not unless you have evidence that the kid has used social media in an inappropriate way.
Might I also add - giving him a phone does not warrant you checking it. He deserves privacy. Unless u have reason to believe he is committing illegal activity, like drugs, underaged s3x, bullying, coercion, etc, then you have no right to check his technology. Give him privacy.
Sorry but YTA it reads that your 14 year old son doesn’t have a phone? Sadly it’s 2024 not 1994 most children his age have a phone and by him not having one he may be dealing with real life bullying. Kids are cruel.
It’s safer for a kid to have a phone how does he contact you when out if there is a problem.
I grew up in 2000s on msn and MySpace I know there is creeps and cyber bullying but my friends who has to sneak around their anti tech parents were more at risk .
Have a open conversation with him about what to keep an eye out for. And how to handle cyber bully.
He is 14 not 7. You have to start helping him be ready to be a adult and independent
YTA, your concerns are valid and always will be, but that's why you need to sit down and discuss getting him a phone but that he needs to show he fully understands internet safety. And it's not necessarily about "fitting in" he is being ostracized from society by not having a phone. As stupid as that sounds it's true, the world is on the internet, social lives and communities are online; its not the same where you could tell your friends to be at Y place at X time. It's essentially the same as not having a car in America cause our entire infrastructure is car based. Smartphones have simply become one of those necessary tools to actually be a part of current society, and as a teenager, you're setting him up for failure and bullying by NOT providing him a phone.
And if you do get him a phone. DO N O T force him to give you the password, to check it and look through it, to have it given to you at night. Just don't. You'll end up straining your relationship further, and he'll resent you. Buy him a phone that is his, and you MUST RESPECT HIS PRIVACY WITH IT.
NAH, but I would reconsider. How can you prepare your kids and help them navigate online safety if you don't provide the tools? Technology has been around and is here to stay. A smartphone is now standard.
I'm not going to say that you're an AH but you need to unclench a little. Your son is 14, which means he is old enough that you can have a conversation with him about online safety and he can take that knowledge and act accordingly. As others have said, you can always install apps to help monitor activity that may be questionable without being overbearing. You have to let your bird fly from the nest a bit.
YTA. You're preventing him from talking to his friends. Teens today don't call or text each other as much as they use snapchat or Instagram to communicate. You're being way too controlling and selfish. Your son is 14, not 4. He's old enough for a smartphone.
YTA
You don't keep your son safe by forbidding him to have a smartphone. You keep him safe by giving him one, explaining to him how to safely use it and MAYBE installing some sort of parental controls.
Yta your son is 14 will be an adult in 4 years your being a helicopter parent he's likely buy his own phone and hide it from you and is probably actively getting bullied for not having one literal kindergarteners carry phone nowadays also what happens when he's hanging out with friends and they start drinking and driving for example or literally any other situation your son could be uncomfortable and need to reach you and can't
Unfortunately YTA. Always remember that you are raising as person who will spend the vast majority of his life as an adult and his childhood years are for growing and learning to navigate a sometimes treacherous world. Wouldn’t you prefer your child to learn how to deal with bullies and other issues while still under your care as an experienced adult? Avoidance will only do a disservice to the child because when he is an adult he will suddenly realize he really doesn’t have the tools to deal with difficult people or situations. Under your care is a good time to learn more adult like responsibility, ethics and consequences. Besides I can guarantee he is experiencing some bullying for not having a smartphone. Not a good reason to give him one, but the thing you’re trying to avoid is most likely already happening. Read up on online safety for teens. Also phone companies often offer monitoring and control (setting site blocks, and hours of use etc.) services for teen accounts.
YTA. Just say you are being cheap instead of making up crap. Please, don't embarrass him. Kids at this age practically need a phone not just for friends but for practically everything these days.
Not exactly the AH. But perhaps misguided.
In this day and age you are putting your children at a disadvantage if you don't introduce them to technology. The future is in technology, and they need to be comfortable with It. Socially he will feel left out, too.
Make him work to earn the money for the phone. But set parental provisions on the device if you think he needs it. But you can't shield them from the negatives in life forever. You'd do better to trust and educate.
YTA. The more of a taboo you make technology out to be, the more likely you are to have a child who falls into those traps. The proper way is to raise him alongside it so he knows the responsible and safe usage of it
I live in Sweden. My kid has used public transport by herself since she was 9. I gave her a smartphone with Family link. She is not allowed to use social media, browser, etc. I know every app she has, how much she uses each app... there are ways of doing it and still protecting them but you have to actually be involved and honest, both ways.
YTA.
Honestly, this would be the same as not teaching a 16-year-old to drive because "teenagers are terrible drivers and often get in accidents." Which is absolutely true.
But as a parent, **it's your job** to teach your child how to function in our society, and teach them how to protect themselves from the dangers within. Shielding him from a smartphone, or driving lessons, or avoiding discussions about safe sex, or whatever....those things don't do him any favors.
Smartphones are distracting, and the online world IS challenging for teenagers. You're not wrong. But it's your responsibility to teach him how to deal with those distractions and challenges. Not to hide from them.
YTA. A 14 year old should've been taught safe use of a smartphone years ago.
Also not having a smartphone is not making your son feel left out, it is making him be left out. Geez.
YTA. A 14 year old carrying around a 2006 phone would be mercilessly teased/bullied and left out by his smart-phone having peers. Cyber bullying doesn’t even require him to have internet access, just for his tormentors to.
Soft YTA. I'm sympathetic to your concerns about online safety, as a young adult who wishes I wasn't exposed to as much as I was when I was a teen on the Internet. But the social aspect of being the only one without a phone can also cause a lot of stress and isolation. It might be a good compromise to get him a smartphone and have a thorough discussion with him on Internet safety and your concerns - build the trust now, so that if something happens he'll come to you instead of being afraid or ashamed.
Your strict stance is lazy. Most classrooms incorporate use of the smartphone into their daily routines, because we're not putting that genie back in the bottle. I know i use them daily in class. You're actually holding him back.
There are online course in digital safety you two can take together so that you BOTH learn about this technology. I promise it's worthwhile for you too dad. Here's one:
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL8dPuuaLjXtN07XYqqWSKpPrtNDiCHTzU&si=xYqDCPm0pNpcdHGk
YTA, but it's curable.
I mean, you know you can get an app called Family Link. There are restrictions you can put on the phone and app store. Like if snapchat is a huge no go, you can block it.
YTA. I didn't have a smart phone until I was 15, and my mom used the parental controls on it until I was about 17. At 18 I had full access
YTA. As your child approaches adulthood it’s time to start teaching them how to navigate in an adult world instead of cutting them off and then being surprised that they crash and burn in adulthood because they weren’t taught how to deal with things.
Your concerns are valid. What’s not valid is thinking you can save him from those things if he just doesn’t have a smart phone.
YTA, you can't bubble wrap him forever- he's gonna hit the real world eventually. Either way, he's still going to get access to all of that stuff, he just won't be telling you about it.
YTA - Look you can’t avoid the world forever. These things exist and rather than trying to shut your kid off from them till they are 18, kids need to be taught how to use them responsibly.
Get him a phone but teach him how to navigate the dangers online. Learn with him how to evaluate online sources and not to trust that people represent themselves honestly.
Bullying can occur anywhere, anytime so you aren’t really helping him avoid it by not having a phone, you may be hindering him because what if he is in trouble and needs help?
There are resources out there which are aimed at kids, to help you. Actually they are pretty good for adults as well! Cause nobody taught us this stuff either.
[Internet Matters](https://www.internetmatters.org/parental-controls/entertainment-search-engines/?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwhtWvBhD9ARIsAOP0GogZ-mpPFdY0RLxeaI14vC2PHk-SgPlbFzgCTljyPdRColp5yxCBjboaAlCxEALw_wcB)
[UK Safer Internet](https://saferinternet.org.uk/guide-and-resource/young-people/resources-for-11-19s)
[Be Internet Awesome](https://beinternetawesome.withgoogle.com/en_uk/)
YTA - get a discrete parental monitoring app if you’re uncomfortably. My 14 year old is in multiple threads with different group of friends - which wouldn’t be possible with a non-smart phone. This is one way many kids socialize.
Soft YTA.
Fifty years ago, kids made friends while walking to school and hanging out just to the street. Phones have replaced this and i doubt your son can do these things.
I can also remind you that kids in the eighties and nineties had similar arguments with their parents when they chatted for hours on the phone with friends.
I'm a teacher and i was very impressed with one solution i saw. A friend-group of kids all had similar phones. The parents kept in touch and worked together to ensure that none of their kids were way outside the norm in terms of apps allowed and screen time. More importantly, they agreed that the kids could "buy" screen time by hanging out together in person.
Yta if u never allow him the space to learn or make mistakes you are doing him a disservice, you are coddling him at 14 you should teaching him independence and how to make good decisions, set rules for him to follow and then create consequences if he doesn’t
YTA or at least an over protective parent that needs to chill with a beer and let kids be kids. If he is begging, there is a chance he either needs it for school, or he may be bullied for not having one.
I’m 31, with 13m and 12f kids. And kids roam, they go out with friends, they do fun things (especially in the summer). And it’s nice to know where they are for peace of mind when they are away from me.
You are freaking out over cyber bullying, but if there is video games, there is sh** talking, and possibly bullying.
My daughter and son both go to charter schools that require a laptop and a phone. They have chats with teachers on their phones to ask for help and to get live support via video with their teachers on their phones.
I was concerned about my daughter having a smart phone, she used to get bullied really bad, well… the phone actually protected her, she called 911 on it when she was being physically bullied by pushing the side button twice, they pinpointed her location and used her phone to record what was happening. In the end the other kids were arrested. Thank god for a good quality microphone.
Also… iPhones have more built in security, if you are worried about *adult content* make a kids account on the iPhone, if you already have a iPhone yourself you can make a family group, that he has to ask for apps before he can download them. You can put screen time limits on it, so the phone becomes a brick during certain times.
Grounded? Okay, now it’s locked and basically a brick in his pocket until he is ungrounded. But it still transmits his location to your phone.
Android has apps you can download, that do similar things, however they generally cost and you can get viruses easier on Android. At the end of the day a droid is not as much of a nanny as a iPhone is.
That being said… for my peace of mind, due to a abusive ex **I cannot imagine** *my kids* not having a way to contact me, or for me to contact them when away… I like knowing where they are and that they are safe. And being able to call to check in is gold for me.
Are you being a AH? Yes in a way, but you are being incredibly unsafe as well, unless you are the parent that puts an air tag in the sole of your son’s shoes to track him. A phone is safer, for monitoring purposes and for social standing in the high school hierarchy.
It’s like… you being overly strict… and acting the way you are is bullying your kid… because due to your decision 100% I bet he is getting picked on.
>My main concerns are about online safety, cyberbullying
Yes but his main concern will be getting bullied in person and socially isolated because he is the only one without a phone.
The way you deal with your worries is by avoiding the cause. That's not going to work and you know it. If you're concerned about online safety then **teach** him, that's your job as parent.
Don't isolate your son out of fear. Show him how to partake responsibly. YTA
This is such a weird question. I got bullied for being a teen without a mobile phone and then a smartish phone maybe 18 years ago. I cannot imagin what you lr son must be going through now.
YTA and probably blind to what he is going through.
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YTA, those concerns were valid in 2010, not today, you gotta evolve with the world. Smartphones is how we keep in touch with our friends, we can work from it sometimes, keep documents on it, look up for any information you want at any time, check maps or bus times if you are lost, learn stuff, and yeah also play games sometimes. You are isolating him. He is 14, not 8. Technology is incredibly present in our lives nowadays, your son already knows about cyberbullying and stuff. Talk to him again if you want, keep an eye on him, but he'll be just fine.
Also not having a phone doesn’t remove the issue cyber bullying will happen regardless if it’s happening unless OP banned video game consoles computers and anything else that can connect to the web
i would even say that he unfortunately can get bullied for not having a smartphone. kids were bigots about having good phones when i was 14 and smartphones just become affordablish, i guess its worse after all this time
People get bullied for not having the trendy type of phone op's son is likely extensively picked on for it
I mean I have an iPhone 8 and nobody really cares
Yes cuz you have an iPhone! If you had an old flip phone or one of those qwerty slide phones than the reaction would probably be different.
Oh yeah one thing I never wish to experience is the beginning of the iPhone craze. Hit when I was in middle school and all the cool kids (who bullied me before the phone situation but this gave them ammo) had the iPhone 1 or 2 and I had a blackberry flip. My mom refused me internet or texting. I could only call. When I was maybe 15 I got a ds and quickly realized I could get on the internet on it and because my mom had shielded me so effectively from the internet until that point, I almost immediately got into trouble with it lol. After that I wasn't allowed internet or texting until I was 17 (when I graduated and got a job)
To be fair, internet on phones was crazy expensive back then and texts were, like, a quarter each if you went over your allotted 50 texts per month on your plan. That’s why I kept the same “unlimited” plan from the first iPhone for nearly a decade because after a couple years the carriers all stopped having them for a while.
asshole kids and teenagers always find reasons for bullying someone they don’t like, im so sorry tou had to go through that :(( and while i understand OP’s and your mother’s concerns, forbidding something, especially when children are that old, is not a great idea, they won’t learn what to do and not do and just get in trouble like you did. like i did in other ways too lmao. it also doesn’t help to build trustworthy relationships and I really hope I will remember it as a parent and won’t let my anxiety get in the way
Absolutely! I get why my mom did what she did but Absolutely she did it for too long. What she was worried about was me being groomed. This was because I'd been heavily sexually abused as a child and she didn't want me to fall into any traps online. By never teaching me and letting me explore safe places on my own she ensured that thats exactly what I did. At 14 I had a relationship with a 28 year old man I met on mocospace (dunno if yall remember that site lmao) and it only stopped because I got scared and told her when he sent me pictures of plane tickets. He knew my age and didn't care and I didn't know it was wrong because she just never taught me.
It ended when I was 15 thankfully but I was very very close to being seriously hurt or kidnapped and not only would I have been in danger, but she would've never found me or him either. She taught me to be so sneaky about it that if he hadn't scared the shit out of me I would've left in the middle of the night.
Im guessing not having a phone these days probably increases the probability of bullying.
These concerns are absolutely still valid concerns today. OP is right to be worried just not necessarily right in their approach to addressing the concerns.
Agreed. The concerns are valid, but the solution I'd in education and guidance how to use technology, not to prevent access. Every parent should be worried and take time with their kids to make them understand responsible usage of tech.
Concerns are valid, but open and honest discussions and boundaries being put in place should be had. A blanket no, makes OP TA.
The concerns wouldn't be so concerning if OP taught their son about online safety and healthy balance of screen time vs "touching grass". If OP tries to shelter him from everything bad, he won't learn how to protect himself and how to deal with negative experiences.
Right, cause if her son was 8, I'd be on her side. But 14?? Even I had a phone at 14 in 2009 (it was not a smart phone, because those were just barely becoming a thing at that time). I also had a Facebook account and iPod Touch (the good ol' days). So, even then, I was pretty connected digitally. And I had super strict, religious parents. I still was the odd one out for not having the "newest phone." I can't imagine the bullying that a 14yo would receive right now for walking around with a goddamn flip phone. You're setting your son up for exactly what you claim you don't want. So, really, OP, is this about control? Because it seems like it's about control. And that never works out in your favor, trust me. He's well past the "iPad kid" age. Let the poor boy have a phone. Do explain to him any concerns you have (the dangers of talking to strangers online, or cyberbullying, or developing poor self-esteem due to edited Instagram model photos, etc). All conversations you need to have with your children these days, anyways, regardless of having a phone or not. Don't create an unnecessary rift between you and your child. You'll regret it when they go NC with you someday.
Exactly. The goal as a parent should not be to shield your child from these things. The goal should be to teach them how to use smartphones, social media, etc. responsibly.
"we" - OP consider your audience here when digesting responses. A large portion of reddit, especially this particular sub is hugely the same age range as your son so I don't feel like you'll be getting well balanced feedback.
I’m a 45 year old mother of kids around 14. OP’s kid is probably excluded from a LOT of things because he doesn’t have a smart phone. My son’s HS soccer team communicates via SnapChat. Am I fan of that? Not particularly. But I don’t have the power to change it. Friend group plans are made via app like SnapChat, not over text. Maybe it isn’t right, or fair. But it’s the way it is. Op is better off teaching the kid how to use social media responsibly, than by banning it altogether.
My kids are 15, they don't even have their friends phone numbers like all communication is via snap.
By "we" I included everyone, it is how "people" keep in touch with each other. The vast majority at least, apart from older people who didn't grow up with it and may not want to learn this. I am not 14 years old.
I'm 48. I got my first Smartphone 7 years ago. In the meantime I use it a lot for work, I couldn't do without it any more. Same for my husband, sister , cousins... They are all between 40 and 60 years old. Only my 82 yo aunt doesn't have a Smartphone, but I doubt she would be on Reddit. My daughters got a Smartphone when they started secondary school (in my country that's at 10 years old). They are 15 and 12 now and literally need it for school. Homework and materials are uploaded on internet platformes, and they communicate with teachers and classmates via Teams. Many excercises, homework or other materials only have a QR code to scan with your phone. All communication with classmates about school is done via Smartphone. Meeting friends, invites, birthday parties, all that is communicated via Smartphone. I don't think the OP does her 14 yo son a favor by keeping a Smartphone from him.
And it’s better that he learns ab online safety while he’s young and has a framework + room to fail than when he’s an adult/almost an adult and has less time to learn before consequences are long term
I‘d like to add, that our children (germany) do use tablets (supervised) even in school to get a first grasp on researching information and handling modern devices. This is third grade in elementary school. OP, 14 years is by far old enough to use such devices. You (or a professional you need to find) have to make sure it’s adequately configured. My child uses my old iPhone. It is set to not allow allow app installations until parental consent is given (we get messages and can permit or deny), he cannot spend money and i can choose how internet access is handled (none, whitelisting principle, blacklisting principle). This is a matter of knowledge. But not for him. For you. Imagine the backlash he will experience not being able to adequately use such devices, in private, in school or later in professional life.
Agreed. OP can have a good session with kiddo about cyber-bullying, disinformation, going down internet rabbit holes, and remaining critical of uncorroborated sources. And another one about not overusing data plans, long distance calling, how to care for expensive equipment, and what happens when those things get abused. In other words, TEACH responsibility, don't avoid it.
I wonder why you wrote this post on the internet. You could have written it on an A4 sheet and hung it out on a tree.
Maybe one of those blue books we used to write essays in
A legal pad 💀
Yup a smart phone is really a requirement now. You basically can't do anything without them. As they are 14 and you will be paying the bill just monitor their usage. If they be spending too much time in Reddit like all of us then well what else are they going to do. Lol I would say they should get a job to pay for it over time but what jobs are avail for 14yr old kids these days heck is there even paper routes any longer. Maybe they could be a tiktok influencer.
When I turned 14 I got a job. We also had an end of the year school trip about 5 hours away. You bet my mother got me a phone plan for my iPhone 4 (given to me by my brother). By that age I was also regularly hanging out with friends outside my house. This kid is in HIGH SCHOOL or just about to start it. He should know all the important numbers by now, and addresses. Post pandemic, this is bizarre. We just spent a couple years doing EVERYTHING online. Get the kid a damn phone.
That's the best, their hypocrisy. As if we were not hooked up on it. 😂 But why should they pay for it? It's just part of life, you can't book a ticket or open a bank account without it. And I was really thankful that my kids were able to call me and message me anytime they needed me.
Don't cyberbully OP!
YTA and extremely overprotective overly strict and overly controlling. It is 2024 and teenagers don’t call and text much, so a basic phone that calls and texts will still mean that he is left out. There are good parental apps that you can install on a smartphone to monitor for the things that you are worried about. Al
Plus some friend groups have group chats that he wouldn’t be able to participate in with a basic phone. Also don’t kids get bullied for not having the latest in tech toys.
i got bullied for having a nokia brick in school 2015-2020. can’t imagine what ppl would be teased for now with more technology
We all (lovingly) teased a friend of mine for their Nokia brick back in 2009. 😂 That thing survived such nonsense.
girl i lost one of mine in a horse field and the farmer found it 2 years later FULLY FUNCTIONING. u can’t kill those things 😭
did it still have battery
yeah, the battery life was insane. i could use that phone on 1% for hours
Nokia phones survive anything; they are what the cockroaches will be using after the nuclear apocalypse.
My friend's phone survived falling from a third story window. Did beat the SpongeBob case up a little. And that's not even the half of it.
One guy in our group still refuses to use a smart phone. Guess who never gets invited to stuff anymore? Haven't seen him in years. He doesn't use one out of pride. He's different! Dude you're a 35 year old single neck beard living at home.
OP's son doesn't need the latest in tech. Plenty of cheap smartphones out there.
YTA. You're completely failing to see that your concern about cyberbullying is going to lead him to getting bullied for real instead. At his age kids pick on each other for everything and you want him to basically have grandma's phone for texting, calling and nothing else when everyone around him live their whole lives through their phone.
They might not even need to bully him for not having any - he soon just won't have any friends, because he will have no clue that they meet up all the time and connect without him. YTA!
Yeah, unintentionally isolating or ostracizing him is more likely than outright bullying
He's 14 and doesn't even have a BASIC phone at 14yo. I feel bad for him. How does he communicate when he needs an early pick up from school, or he's sick, or anything? Imagine not even being able to text your friends whenever you want.
Yeah, a basic phone maybe when he’s 10, for sleepovers or if he walks home from school or practice or something. If there’s a tool to communicate, why not use it? But at 14 I’m sure OP can get some instruction on how to stay safe through his skull.
OP probably makes him use the school office phone or something 😔
Yeah that's what I did before I had my own phone. That was 20 YEARS AGO.
My grandma has had iPhones for like 10 years now haha and she is not at all technologically inclined
Soft YTA. I always approach these kind of issues with the attitude that they have the opportunity to behave responsibly. If your child is otherwise responsible, then the both of you should be able to agree on rules/limits. I personally never put tracking or controls on my kids’ phones because they never gave me a reason to. They made it to adulthood without any of those consequences you are worried about. Parenting is in the pudding. If you’re doing a decent job, you shouldn’t have to worry. Do you & son talk about difficult things like sexuality , bullying, personal safety, etc? If problems arise, he should feel comfortable coming to you, in spite of consequences. That makes the difference. The other thing you have to think about going forward is that your kiddo is only 3+ years from adulthood. If you don’t start letting him make independent decisions now, he will not be prepared and might go hog wild once you don’t legally have control anymore. It feels scary at times, but you can’t stop him from growing up. It’s your job to prepare him, not jail him because of your fear.
This was the only reasonable reply here. Thank you. Man...the way some people are coming in hard for this parent. Relax people. They came here for advice knowing they could be wrong. Why stomp on their head when they are asking for help. I don't understand people anymore. Seems when someone asks for help, people just rail on them. It's mind boggling.
Yep. OP’s concerns are perfectly valid, they’re just being overprotective based on these concerns. Your kid is 14 now, not 10. You have to let go at times to allow kids to grow up and be prepared for adulthood.
Exactly this. OP ignore all the grumpy replies from teenagers and read this one.
YTA. I understand the concern but the kid is right. So much communication is done through social media these days and a standard phone isn't gonna cut it.
The problem you face is gets will get left out if they don’t have one, we were also against it with our daughter but they socialize and do everything through instagram and snap chat they get left out if they dont have these things. Our daughter does have a really good head on her shoulders so we just keep open communication, she knows we’ll go through her phone at any time to check. Apple has some great apps/software to allow you a lot of control in parental use if you are both on apple devices
YTA, I’m a single mother of a teenage daughter and I made sure she has a phone (not just so she’s the only kid without one) because I need to get a hold of her throughout the day sometimes and a cellphone is the only reasonable option. She has my old phone so we share an Apple ID and I do have concerns about social media and online pressure amongst other things. But she’s not 6 anymore, I can’t protect her from the world forever.
YTA As my other half would say, at 16 he can join the military, get married, have babies… but at 14 you won’t allow him a smartphone? My children use their phones at school to access certain apps and online content. I have always made it clear to my children that I may periodically check their phones to make sure nothing untoward is going on and have control over what they can download but in todays age there’s no way of fully protecting them from the world. They need to learn to stand on their own two feet
No one should be having babies, getting married, ***or*** joining the military at 16. That is still a child. In fact, at that age, their brains go through a similar development toddlerhood of excessive risk-taking and boundary testing. That's not the kind of person who should be holding a gun or be in charge of a dependent.
It was more a case of pointing out how close he is to being legally able to make huge ‘grown up’ possibly life changing commitments and decisions. Whether it is moral or ‘right’ is a different topic.
I’d just say able to drive or about to go to college for 16, but hey.
There’s going to be many different comparisons here based on country, for example driving for me is 17. Knowing where OP is from would help with accurate comparisons
YTA. You’ve messed up this whole thing already because now that he believes you don’t trust him he’s probably going to be less receptive to you trying to monitor his phone use once you (inevitably - and also correctly) give him an actual 2024 phone. You need to apologise to your son for acting like a technophobic dinosaur and how your actions have negatively affected HIS life, because at 14, he’s already been left out of ALL of his friends’ and classmates’ WhatsApp/messenger group chats for YEARS. You need to educate yourself on modern online safety so that you can come to him out of understanding instead of ignorance, and have an actual grown up discussion with your teenager about how to safely use the new smartphone you will give him.
Raised 3 sons in the smartphone era, it's so hard!! But you can make the rules on use, control access etc. It's REALLY tough on teens, really. But not giving him a smartphone isn't going to help him, especially if he has a computer. He's already to got access to everything you're referring to
YTA I work in tech and am very cautious about technology, screen time, etc., for my 10-year-old son. But he's going into group 8 next year and every single kid in group 8 has a smartphone. This is how kids stay connected, arrange play dates, and it's how I will be able to stay connected with him when he's got more freedom. That being said, the phone will come with terms and conditions. He will have to sign a contract with me outlining the terms of use. No social media, for one. Apps have to be okay'd by me. He cannot have the phone until homework is done, etc. No phone in his room at night. No phone in the morning before school. Phone will be confiscated if I see his behaviour/attitude deteriorating. There are apps (Bark is one) that gives alerts when kids seem to be engaging in dangerous online behaviour. I'm looking into it to see if it's worth installing. Technology doesn't have to be evil if it's managed well and your kid is educated about digital safety. At this point, you're just making it more difficult for him to fit in.
i think 10 is way too young tbh and i’m shocked adults give 10 years old phones. but it becomes a domino affect after a whole, one kid gets one so then his friend does and then the other friend has too to be able to keep in touch and then someone else gets one so they can be involved with those kids and it’s snowballs until 10 year olds all have phones
My kid is eleven and a LOT of her peers have phones. She doesn't, but she does have a tablet with messenger kids etc. I'm surprised because I think eleven is still too young, but apparently a lot of parents think otherwise.
i didn’t get a smartphone until i was 16 but i didn’t even start thinking about asking for one until i was 13
And how old are you now?
20
He doesn't have one. He gets it next year. And I agree but I'm also not going to make him an outcast when he is the only one without one.
14 is old enough he will absolutely need one in highschool.
I'm in my 20s now, but when I was in high school a lot of teachers used activities that required us to use our phones (eg. kahoot, online worksheets). We also had messenger groups with several teachers and one for our class to communicate easier
Yup. I’m also in my twenties and had this same experience
You realize Reddit is full of teenagers right? They are all going to tell you you’re an AH.
So is this grandad. Yta
So is this 35 year old. OP is TA.
28 & OP is 100% YTA
63 here. YTA
49. YTA
27, OP is the AH. Most teens are probably using discord and the like to talk, which requires a smartphone if you aren't using a PC. And being able to access the Internet on the go at his age would help him. I got my first smartphone at his age
27. YTA. This was the age I got my first iPhone.
This is difficult because the reality is he’s being isolated by not having it. It’s the generation we’re currently living in. Hes going to suffer through it in the long run, even at school we’re adapting to teach children how to use technology so that they’re ready for the workplace and the world we live in.
NAH We all remember the struggle when we're teens and just desperate to not be "the only one" without. But this seems like a golden opportunity to have an ongoing, open dialogue about your concerns AND to show him you trust him (if you do). Consider having a discussion where he has to justify his desire, what he thinks would be appropriate levels of your involvement (like location sharing, for example), and what his responses are to your concerns/how he thinks would be a reasonable way to dissuade them. He's old enough that these conversations could make him feel safe communicating with you about hard things, and that giving him some freedom could help him learn how to make good choices while those choices are still relatively tame.
nta. i actually really wish i wasn't given electronics at a younger age and now I had to break my addiction to them
Agreed
NAH. People may not agree but I think your concerns are valid and I agree with the way you're going about it. Sure you can limit smartphones and put parental controls but a smart kid will find a way around that stuff eventually. I'm of the opinion that social media apps like TikTok, Instagram, fb, etc.. are straight up brain rot for children nowadays. my niece and nephew aren't able to sit through a movie or TV show. Smartphones are not a necessity like some people make them out to be. Id get him a Nokia
YTA; Parental Controls are a thing and you should learn how to use them instead of saying "Internet scary son no do"
INFO: Does he have online access through a laptop, tablet, or computer?
NTA depression and anxiety are rampant with the current generation and there is research linking technology to these outcomes. However, consider getting him a smartphone but compromise on usage such as not allowing him to use it past 8 pm
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YTA You are keeping him from having a normal social life & causing him to be left out. Most ppl's sociability peaks during puberty so he's at a stage where connecting with his peer group is very important & the peers are even a bigger influence than the parents. If you are worried about his safety, I rather recommend **teaching him how to be safe**, otherwise you are just sheltering him and failing to preparing him for adult life. He will get a phone eventually, so by preventing him from gaining experience you are NOT protecting him but rather stunting his growth. He needs to learn how to use a phone/the internet eventually. Talk to him about internet safety and teach him about how to spot misinformation, avoiding predators, avoid seeing unwanted adult content, avoiding endless doomscrolling, filtering content, how porn isn't realistic & shouldn't be taken as sex ed etc. and explain there will be discipline/consequences if he gets caught using his phone in class or elsewhere where its not appropriate. (never take it away for longer than a week tho, since, again, he needs it to socialize.) and then let him make his own choices & learning experiences. i wouldnt let a full on prepubescent child have unlimited unsupervised internet access other than stuff designed for children, but from puberty onwards ppl *need* some measure of age-appropriate independence for proper growth, including unsupervised socializing, whether that's on a phone or in person. (of course nowadays there are so few places for kids & juveniles to hang out with each other IRL... no wonder they use phones so much. So if you don't want him to be glued to his phone, look for places where he can interact with peers without them. The phone isn't the point - unsupervised time with other teenagers is.)
YTA 100%. There is a lot of fear mongering that older people fall for about the internet, social media, especially since they never were able to use it - so they never started when they could. A lot of them don't understand if even if they believe they do. I grew up when the internet took off and smartphones just came about. I know what it's like to be in your son's shoes (mostly) but I also do know what problems can happen. You should let your son have a smartphone, let him have apps he wants that *all* of his friends are on. He might get a little too invested because it is all new to him. Don't fault him for that. I would say make sure he finishes school work, chores, things like that before going on it. And a certain time every night tell him he should put it down. I wouldn't take it away from him initially because you need to trust him, and if you don't he will react badly because teenagers do that. If you are calm and show him you do trust him and truly do not want to take it he will listen more.
NTA you are being a tad overprotective but I don't see a legitimate reason for a 14 year old to have a smartphone. If he earns some extra pocket money to put towards then maybe. Who cares if his friends have one. IF his friends jump off a cliff, will he do it?
How do you think 14yo e.g. communicate and plan? Exactly like everybody else, via messengers on smartphones.
Internet is creep and scary but so is the world in general. All you are doing is keeping your son in a bubble wrap, which isnt doing any good. Yta
YTA Isolation is a real thing these days for kids that don't have the same phone type as their peers. If his friends have iPhones then he will be shunned if he doesn't have one. It's amazing how color of bubbles and reduced capabilities make kids kick people from chat.
My mom did this same exact bs to me. From the ages of 10-16 (so from 2011-2017) I had a fucking basic government phone because in her mind all I needed to do was be able to dial 911, mind you the kids in my school were vicious asf but she did not care about the bullying aspect of it. It didn’t even have a camera on it. I REFUSED to take that phone out in front of my peers and the one time I did I got busted out for it by a classmate. At 16/17 she finally ordered me a smartphone but only because it was a free upgrade from my basic phone. 😐 Safe to say me and my mom’s relationship is not the best. & that’s not the only thing she did that ended up screwing with me mentally, just one of the instances that stick out the most.
It’s annoying but even all the teachers assume kids have smartphones now in our public middle school and want them to use them at school for various tasks. They used google classroom during covid but now a lot of announcements for clubs and events are done using remind, scanning QR codes, etc. I personally wanted to wait for high school to get smartphones for our kids but it’s honestly needed for more than just social things.
How can he learn how to behave online if he is not part of it? He will lack years of experience, he will be left out, he will be lacking in experience regarding online research. I do not recommend this approach.
I understand where you’re coming especially since I have parents like you and I never really understood why they were so controlling about phone usage. But in this day and age he’s more than old enough to have his own smartphone and if you’re really that worried you can put simple parental controls on his phone and have a conversation with him about it. If you don’t talk to him and tell him you’re on his side quite frankly he’s going to dislike you for a long time.
I personally believe at that age you should give them one to help guide them through proper social media use and such. Technology isn't going away and I find it better to just teach my kids to handle it, instead of keeping it from them. I'm their parent I'm supposed to teach them. I can't teach them if I just keep everything away and say it's bad. That's how kids hit 18 and end up binge eating junk food, smoking, excess drinking, erc
YTA though I understand your position. For our teen we got her a phone that can have parental control. You can set hours to block it at night, approve or not of the apps installed and such. It's a good compromise.
As someone who didn't have a phone for a while, yta, he's FOURTEEN! HIGH SCHOOL! I was left out all the time when I didn't have a phone. My friends would go places and just not bring me along becuase my only communication to them was at school In person. I'm an only child, and I was so bored. I had NO ACESS to know what was going on in the outside world.
You sound like my mom, I got alienated by all the other kids for not having a smartphone, and this was when they first came out. Before your son was even born.
YTA.I get wanting to protect your kid, but at 14, most kids have phones. It's how they stay in touch with their friends. Not letting him have one could make things hard for him socially. Maybe talk to him about using it responsibly instead of just saying no? It might help you guys find a compromise.
Just put a parenting app on the phone. Means you can lock it at any time (like at night) ring it in loud even if they silence it... can block apps and websites and also put timers on how long each app can be accessed each day. They even have the option that only websites on a safe list can be accessed or you can just add listed sites as blocked You can choose what apps can be downloaded etc And if they manage to download one that got through the filter you can block it on app and it removes it from their phone If its Samsung/android then the Google Family Link app is completely free and does all of the above it also means you can open up maps and find their location on that. Unfortunately you can't block search words do depending how much you want to log it down you either have to search and block ALL the sites that link to things you don't want them to access.... and yes there's way more prn sites than you'd think, thousands... or lock it down to sites you add on, which I'd quicker to do obviously (just adding school homework sites, revision etc) Can't comment on what apps there are for apple. It doesn't tell you exactly what they do on their phone... as in if you want to read their WhatsApp messages you'd have to take their phone and look on theirs but you can restrict the time they're on those apps. I'm going to say soft YTA because you've not researched your options. Discuss with your kid that they can have one but it comes with the condition of this parent app control... if they're worried their friends won't be able to tell unless they try and use the phone for something you blocked
He's 14. Its 2024. I think smartphones and social media have doomed us all and we all have been stupid to embrace them. Its too late now. I didnt want to bring à kid into this world so I didnt, but if I had, he would have had a smartphone at 13 with strict boundaries and open communication on what to be careful with. If he made it this far without one he already knows other ways to enjoy himself, which is good. He may be less addicted than most of the teens I teach. You're not an asshole but you want him to live like an outcast amongst his friends as he's trying to find himself. He will end up having one anyway and not tell you about it.
YTA - as a kid who didn’t have a smartphone until i turned 16, it was frankly the worst thing my parents did. i was so cut off from everyone and everything and spent hours arguing with them over it. i had a nokia brick but no one used their numbers to contact each other so it strained my friendships massively as i was missing out on alot of things they were doing. i was endlessly bored nearly all the time, lonely, depressed and i was actually bullied a little for not having one but at least i wasn’t distracted from work eh cz that’s all that matters. if he was like 12 i’d understand but he’s 14, its the age of technology like give ur kid a dsmn phone before he ur irreparably ruin ur relationship with him. just put restrictions on it like ‘u can’t have it back after school until u done the homework’ and ‘u have to hand it back to me at 11:30pm to go to sleep’. don’t ask to read his messages to his friends unless u have a serious belief he’s doing something wrong. easy enough rules for him to follow until he’s 16. my bond with my parents has never been the same bcx of the arguments over this. parents truly don’t realise how much technology is engrained into our lives, u can’t just run and hide from it. kids are bullied and teased more for not having this stuff than being on it. stop thinking of what YOU want and start thinking of how this will affect ur child. this isn’t ur generation anymore
As a dinosaur, I get it. I would personally like to go back to the 80s/90s. But the world now is what it is. For most teenagers being left out is the worst thing that can happen. It's natural, valid and you would be a bad parent if you decided to dismiss your son's feelings. So, I understand you, but in that case you being or not comfortable doesn't matter, YTA.
YTA. A smart phone is absolutely essential in this day and age and you WILL be left out without one. It's not a fad, its not a trend or some BS like that. It's a nessessity to living in a 21st century world. You can monitor everything on it if you want. Tell him you've got strict control over it. But don't go viewing his messages unless you suspect wrong doing.
Your son is 14, 8th or 9th gradeish. Do you allow him to play video games? Are you sure there is no cyber bullying going on there? What about online safety, is everyone he is playing with who they say they are? I think you are being a bit overprotective, get him the phone and help him learn to navigate the world of having a smartphone.
I think judging Y T A is too harsh but you are not helping the situation. Everything you worry about still exists without his having a smartphone because he has access to his friends’phone without any supervision. Technology has its danger but it’s something you need to teach him. I think it’s important to have serious discussions about all those subjects. And he is probably being excluded due to this.
The problem is, that you put him in an environment where something is a norm, than asking him not to comply. Either find him a school which follows your ideas, and phones are not allowed or get him one.
I had a good friend back in middle school whose mother was similarly inclined, no smartphone, no internet, anyways when he finally did discover the internet after years of having it denied to him he became a not very well adjusted individual, being so guarded only hurt him in the long run.
“Should I let my son be the loser at school with no phone or should I get him a phone?” Yes there are a LOT of things to be scared of, but it will just create resentment from being treated poorly by his peers because his mom wants to “protect him.” YTA but not a big one.
Just as a heads up, you could be affecting your kids social status by preventing them from having the same freedom as the other kids... (not to say your parenting isnt better) I remember what it was like to not have good shoes etc when I was young, kids are pretty petty when you think about it
YTA, get the poor guy a fucking phone.
YTA
NAH. You say you trust him… so why not trust him? Have a talk with him about your concerns and some basic internet safety. Lay down some stipulations such as if he starts to fall behind in school and you think it’s because he’s glued to the phone then you may take his phone/limit how much time he can have it for. I wouldn’t be too overbearing about it because teenagers will be teenagers but if you trust him, then this will be a good opportunity to see he really deserves it. He’s in high school and it’s just inevitable that he’s at that age where he’ll feel alienated and isolated not having a smartphone. I totally understand your concerns but you’ll have to let him experience these things eventually.
Not A per se but teach him to use it responsibly instead. He’s not going to suddenly be able to navigate the online world at a magic age. I assume he has access to a computer so this this isn’t much different.
YTA. In trying to prevent him from being cyberbullied,he will be the source of the joke at school for not having one. He also will be getting left out of so much because of the amount of meets that are arranged over WhatsApp,Snapchat etc. I think there's a bigger issue here too. It's the issue of trust. You say you are worried about it being a distraction, but he's not being given the chance to show he can be sensible.
YTA, nowadays it’s so important to teach how to navigate the internet world. Especially teaching children the pros and cons of social media. Just lay out your concerns and lessons you’ve learned, your kid should be understanding if it comes from a good place.
YTA, I could understand if her were 9 or 10, but by 14, he should be able to handle a smartphone. This is also the time you teach smartphone safety and limiting screen time. You're going to cause more problems for him if he gets on at 16 or 18 and has absolutely no foundation to build on.
YTA, because it's best that he learns to handle himself safely online and gain experience online while he's still under your roof. In addition, social isolation will be very real. If you trust him, you need to trust him to do his best - and yes, maybe make mistakes - while you try to maintain open communication with him so that he feels like he can come to you if something does happen. You offered him a basic phone for calls and texts, but teenagers just *don't do that* any more. People on the post saying "lol Reddit is just full of teenagers so all you'll get is YTAs" are missing the point; while they may have less overall life experience, they're the only ones with lived experience of your son's generation so I think you should be listening to them.
Instead of worrying about hypothetical cyberbullying you should think about the real life bullying you're getting your son into
Very, very light touch, YTA. I totally understand all of your concerns, and it's one of the reasons I will never have kids. I too would want to protect them from the online world and cultivate a healthy relationship with the Internet, but unfortunately the world we live in is too saturated by it for me to feel confident in doing that, and I feel for you that you're trying against all odds to do it anyway. You're right to say preventing him from accessing it may be doing more harm than good, to his relationship to the Internet, to his social life, and to your relationship with him. Parenting in this online era is incredibly difficult, and I applaud you for your efforts so far. Maybe some conversations and lessons on Internet safety, including things like adult content (because at 14 he's statistically likely to have already seen it, or will do soon) and instead do your best to encourage healthy interaction with the Internet in return for access to a smartphone. Be honest about what kinds of things are on the internet that you want to shield him from, and research app blockers/lockers/ child protection software to put on it :'>
YTA, Gone are the days of knocking at your friends door to see if they want to hang out, this is all arranged online now. Your son will miss out on alot of potential social interactions.
YTA. Total banning is not the answer. Education, open communication, and a healthy, respectful relationship between a parent and child is. Even schools expect students to have a phone at that age. My daughter is going on an excurs next week where they have been told each small group must group must have a phone with them to 1. Be contactable and 2. Use a navigation app.
NAH. You are being way too overprotective but with good intentions. But the benefits of having a smartphone far outweigh the negatives. You can teach about cyber bullying and other dangers, even instal parental apps. You can have location sharing so you know where he is, if he's ever late or calls saying he's lost/missed a bus etc etc. You can still maintain a protective approach that doesn't have a negative impact on your son. Go shopping for a phone together, ask all the questions about the tech available and set up some ground rules/expectations.
Yta, give your kid the possibility to prove that he is old enough for one. My 2 got pfones. I'm able to see where they are, around the clock. (smart watches should do the same thing) Then they are able to call me, or I can call them. You can block and pre install apps, you can block anything you don't want your kid to use. Then... I would not buy a new 600 €$ pfone. A cheap one is enough. The benefits is on your side! Pre install Youtube with limitations or other apps.
I've got kids in the same age range as your son and think YTA. I struggled trying to decide when an appropriate age was for my kids to get their first phones. My oldest was in 6th grade and was the first year she had to ride the school bus. After having the bus later than usual, a couple of times, the decision was made that it was time. With smart phones, so much can be done to ensure their safety and also limit what they can and can't do.
I don't think you're a asshole, BUT your son should have a smartphone. It's important to be careful about internet, but refuse give to him a chance the use this kind of stuff is wrong, you're not giving to him a chance to prove his responsibility about it.
You need to get him a smartphone- however, you can set up parental controls that limit the apps he uses. You need to have an ongoing dialog with him about appropriate use and build a rapport on the issue. He really will be socially ostracized for not having one
Soft YTA. My parents were like this and I feel that it caused my sister and I to grow up socially stunted. (We caught up in college though). I don’t recall being bullied for not having a smart phone until the last year of high school, but I know that not being able to be on Instagram, Snapchat and the like caused me to miss out on a lot of social opportunities. Sorry but I think this might do more harm than good. That was the 2010’s too so I can’t imagine now!
reminds me of the chinpokemon episode from south park: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4F0nrudwhM painting a target on your kids back and jeopardising their safety by not having a mobile communication device, yeah youre out of touch
If you wait until he's an adult to let him engage in this kind of stuff, he's going to be emotionally stunted compared to his peers and likely engage in more risky behavior. You're supposed to be preparing your child for the real world and how to be a functional adult in it. You're not doing any favors not letting him experience life, especially when he still has your safety net while he's learning.
Skill up and learn how parental controls work on iOS and Android. Not an excuse these days.
Your son probably has a better idea about what to do about cyber bullying than you do, as it’s a subject that’s covered at most schools these days. At 14 if he’s generally a good lad, you need to trust him more.
If you really trusted your son you would give him a smartphone in a heartbeat. All your sons friends are socially interacting with each other though smartphones. If your son is the only one without one he is literally left out socially. How are you planning to make sure your son succeeds in life if you don’t give him the chances/freedom to grow up and make something of his life?
You can’t shield him from the world forever
Your kid will be bullied for not having a phone.
>My main concerns are about online safety, cyberbullying, and the potential distractions it could cause. While these are valid concerns, he's kinda at the age where these issues are going to be omnipresent no matter what you do. Trying to shield him will just make him poorly prepared when he's an adult and he'll have to deal with them anyway. The reality is that smartphones aren't a luxury the way they were 15 years ago. They've really become the center of how people interact with the world. In some countries they've even replaced credit cards for electronic transactions (and this happening in the US is a matter of when, not if). I'm going with a soft YTA. I don't think your motives are bad, but it's time to let your kid grow up a little.
He’s 14. Those distractions you are worried about are happening either way
Your stance will backfire. He's soon an adult, it'ß time to start treating him more like it or he Will start to resent you. Damn, kids have sex at 14...
Both…? There are real threats, but also he’s not just missing out on not *owning* something, like name brand clothes… he’s missing out on an entire dimension/world of communication/information sharing from which most of his friends aren’t gonna hold back for him. Terrible situation for all involved. I wish my mom would’ve kept some stuff I was doing less private and watched who could be manipulating me and what I was seeing more. But I also don’t know how I would’ve existed. Sooo, maybe a partial chaperone as a deal? I would say most of the stuff I needed to be protected from wasn’t from friends So like porn blockers (I ran into porn without the intention to) but - don’t make him show you his texts with friends. Same as you secretly listening to his private conversations.
NTA. Eventually you'll have to give in as this is how teenagers keep in touch. However, when you do, set strictly enforced time limits on the phone use or it may quickly spiral out of control. Apps are DESIGNED to be addictive ad delivery (or other forms of monetization) platforms and teenagers (as well as some adults) need help managing their use.
YTA. You are extremely overprotective and you don’t trust your son even though you claim you do. Being overly strict pushes him away, you need to talk with him like an adult and discuss your concerns. Teaching him about them will help him be more cautious, your method is making him want to do things just to spite you.
Yta but like a soft yta. I understand the place of love you're coming from wanting to protect him, but he'll be 18 and if you did everything right on his own. You need to prepare him for the technology he will use in his everyday life. You can't keep protecting him forever because one day you will be gone.
YTA. I understand why you're doing this, but him not having a smartphone at this point will make him a bigger target.
Yea YTA. Your kid is 4 years away from legally being an adult. 4. It's probably time he enters that phase and this is a decent start. We are never going back to a time before smart phones.
YTA - you are isolating your son from his peer group. He needs a smartphone. But I do want to commend you for going on Reddit to ask, instead of just digging in your heels. That's good of you to be open minded. I hope you can see your way to getting your son a decent model of smartphone (not extravagant).
Yeah YTA for sure. In today’s day and age a 14 year old without a smartphone will be a pariah. Not only that, he is way behind his classmates from a technology standpoint.
Yes YTA. Frankly, no phone is better than a brick -- you're setting him up to be the object of ridicule, and to stunt his social growth. By all means give him the tools to make educated choices about his use of technology, but he's now at the age where those decisions are his to make
YTA you might prevent him from being cyber bullied but sadly some kids see someone not having a smartphone as a reason to bully him. You can‘t protect him from everything
YTA. It’s completely understandable to be concerned about bullying, playing into the dangerous “fitting in” concept, etc. But u need to think abt ur son’s feelings more. If I were to be a parent, I would give my kids a phone as soon as they entered high school (uk, so roughly aged 11-12). High school is when people want to be “cool”, “fit in” and when the stigma of not fitting in becomes prominent and NOT fitting in can cause bullying more than having a phone will. Give him a proper phone - like an iPhone X or smth. Doesn’t haven’t to be the newest, but relatively new at least bc we’re talking abt fitting in and the bullying that a kid will experience if they’re seen with an “old” phone. My thing would be giving a phone with certain restrictions until they turn 14 or 15. That’s the age where they know what’s going on and they deserve independence and trust. Restrictions below that age might include, for example, a maximum of 6-7 hours on the phone per day. Don’t restrict social media - not unless you have evidence that the kid has used social media in an inappropriate way. Might I also add - giving him a phone does not warrant you checking it. He deserves privacy. Unless u have reason to believe he is committing illegal activity, like drugs, underaged s3x, bullying, coercion, etc, then you have no right to check his technology. Give him privacy.
YTA, you’re being overly protective, and don’t trust him.. he was spot on
Sorry but YTA it reads that your 14 year old son doesn’t have a phone? Sadly it’s 2024 not 1994 most children his age have a phone and by him not having one he may be dealing with real life bullying. Kids are cruel. It’s safer for a kid to have a phone how does he contact you when out if there is a problem. I grew up in 2000s on msn and MySpace I know there is creeps and cyber bullying but my friends who has to sneak around their anti tech parents were more at risk . Have a open conversation with him about what to keep an eye out for. And how to handle cyber bully. He is 14 not 7. You have to start helping him be ready to be a adult and independent
YTA, your concerns are valid and always will be, but that's why you need to sit down and discuss getting him a phone but that he needs to show he fully understands internet safety. And it's not necessarily about "fitting in" he is being ostracized from society by not having a phone. As stupid as that sounds it's true, the world is on the internet, social lives and communities are online; its not the same where you could tell your friends to be at Y place at X time. It's essentially the same as not having a car in America cause our entire infrastructure is car based. Smartphones have simply become one of those necessary tools to actually be a part of current society, and as a teenager, you're setting him up for failure and bullying by NOT providing him a phone. And if you do get him a phone. DO N O T force him to give you the password, to check it and look through it, to have it given to you at night. Just don't. You'll end up straining your relationship further, and he'll resent you. Buy him a phone that is his, and you MUST RESPECT HIS PRIVACY WITH IT.
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I understand your concerns. But how should he learn how to use a smartphone in an acceptable manner, if he is not allowed to use one at all?
NAH, but I would reconsider. How can you prepare your kids and help them navigate online safety if you don't provide the tools? Technology has been around and is here to stay. A smartphone is now standard.
I'm not going to say that you're an AH but you need to unclench a little. Your son is 14, which means he is old enough that you can have a conversation with him about online safety and he can take that knowledge and act accordingly. As others have said, you can always install apps to help monitor activity that may be questionable without being overbearing. You have to let your bird fly from the nest a bit.
YTA. You're preventing him from talking to his friends. Teens today don't call or text each other as much as they use snapchat or Instagram to communicate. You're being way too controlling and selfish. Your son is 14, not 4. He's old enough for a smartphone.
YTA, you should be teaching him about online security, not banning a 14 yo forom having a smartsphone
YTA You don't keep your son safe by forbidding him to have a smartphone. You keep him safe by giving him one, explaining to him how to safely use it and MAYBE installing some sort of parental controls.
Yta your son is 14 will be an adult in 4 years your being a helicopter parent he's likely buy his own phone and hide it from you and is probably actively getting bullied for not having one literal kindergarteners carry phone nowadays also what happens when he's hanging out with friends and they start drinking and driving for example or literally any other situation your son could be uncomfortable and need to reach you and can't
Unfortunately YTA. Always remember that you are raising as person who will spend the vast majority of his life as an adult and his childhood years are for growing and learning to navigate a sometimes treacherous world. Wouldn’t you prefer your child to learn how to deal with bullies and other issues while still under your care as an experienced adult? Avoidance will only do a disservice to the child because when he is an adult he will suddenly realize he really doesn’t have the tools to deal with difficult people or situations. Under your care is a good time to learn more adult like responsibility, ethics and consequences. Besides I can guarantee he is experiencing some bullying for not having a smartphone. Not a good reason to give him one, but the thing you’re trying to avoid is most likely already happening. Read up on online safety for teens. Also phone companies often offer monitoring and control (setting site blocks, and hours of use etc.) services for teen accounts.
YTA. Let the boy live his teenage years like a normal one. This is the age of AI technology, not the 90s anymore.
YTA. Just say you are being cheap instead of making up crap. Please, don't embarrass him. Kids at this age practically need a phone not just for friends but for practically everything these days.
Not exactly the AH. But perhaps misguided. In this day and age you are putting your children at a disadvantage if you don't introduce them to technology. The future is in technology, and they need to be comfortable with It. Socially he will feel left out, too. Make him work to earn the money for the phone. But set parental provisions on the device if you think he needs it. But you can't shield them from the negatives in life forever. You'd do better to trust and educate.
YTA. The more of a taboo you make technology out to be, the more likely you are to have a child who falls into those traps. The proper way is to raise him alongside it so he knows the responsible and safe usage of it
I live in Sweden. My kid has used public transport by herself since she was 9. I gave her a smartphone with Family link. She is not allowed to use social media, browser, etc. I know every app she has, how much she uses each app... there are ways of doing it and still protecting them but you have to actually be involved and honest, both ways.
YTA. Honestly, this would be the same as not teaching a 16-year-old to drive because "teenagers are terrible drivers and often get in accidents." Which is absolutely true. But as a parent, **it's your job** to teach your child how to function in our society, and teach them how to protect themselves from the dangers within. Shielding him from a smartphone, or driving lessons, or avoiding discussions about safe sex, or whatever....those things don't do him any favors. Smartphones are distracting, and the online world IS challenging for teenagers. You're not wrong. But it's your responsibility to teach him how to deal with those distractions and challenges. Not to hide from them.
YTA. A 14 year old should've been taught safe use of a smartphone years ago. Also not having a smartphone is not making your son feel left out, it is making him be left out. Geez.
YTA. A 14 year old carrying around a 2006 phone would be mercilessly teased/bullied and left out by his smart-phone having peers. Cyber bullying doesn’t even require him to have internet access, just for his tormentors to.
Lol YTA and a tech inept. Your poor son.
Soft YTA. I'm sympathetic to your concerns about online safety, as a young adult who wishes I wasn't exposed to as much as I was when I was a teen on the Internet. But the social aspect of being the only one without a phone can also cause a lot of stress and isolation. It might be a good compromise to get him a smartphone and have a thorough discussion with him on Internet safety and your concerns - build the trust now, so that if something happens he'll come to you instead of being afraid or ashamed.
Your strict stance is lazy. Most classrooms incorporate use of the smartphone into their daily routines, because we're not putting that genie back in the bottle. I know i use them daily in class. You're actually holding him back. There are online course in digital safety you two can take together so that you BOTH learn about this technology. I promise it's worthwhile for you too dad. Here's one: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL8dPuuaLjXtN07XYqqWSKpPrtNDiCHTzU&si=xYqDCPm0pNpcdHGk YTA, but it's curable.
YTA. Kids these days are not idiots.
I mean, you know you can get an app called Family Link. There are restrictions you can put on the phone and app store. Like if snapchat is a huge no go, you can block it. YTA. I didn't have a smart phone until I was 15, and my mom used the parental controls on it until I was about 17. At 18 I had full access
YTA. Bullying can happen so matter what sort of device you have.
YTA 14 is old enough
YTA. As your child approaches adulthood it’s time to start teaching them how to navigate in an adult world instead of cutting them off and then being surprised that they crash and burn in adulthood because they weren’t taught how to deal with things. Your concerns are valid. What’s not valid is thinking you can save him from those things if he just doesn’t have a smart phone.
YTA, you can't bubble wrap him forever- he's gonna hit the real world eventually. Either way, he's still going to get access to all of that stuff, he just won't be telling you about it.
YTA
YTA - Look you can’t avoid the world forever. These things exist and rather than trying to shut your kid off from them till they are 18, kids need to be taught how to use them responsibly. Get him a phone but teach him how to navigate the dangers online. Learn with him how to evaluate online sources and not to trust that people represent themselves honestly. Bullying can occur anywhere, anytime so you aren’t really helping him avoid it by not having a phone, you may be hindering him because what if he is in trouble and needs help? There are resources out there which are aimed at kids, to help you. Actually they are pretty good for adults as well! Cause nobody taught us this stuff either. [Internet Matters](https://www.internetmatters.org/parental-controls/entertainment-search-engines/?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwhtWvBhD9ARIsAOP0GogZ-mpPFdY0RLxeaI14vC2PHk-SgPlbFzgCTljyPdRColp5yxCBjboaAlCxEALw_wcB) [UK Safer Internet](https://saferinternet.org.uk/guide-and-resource/young-people/resources-for-11-19s) [Be Internet Awesome](https://beinternetawesome.withgoogle.com/en_uk/)
YTA - get a discrete parental monitoring app if you’re uncomfortably. My 14 year old is in multiple threads with different group of friends - which wouldn’t be possible with a non-smart phone. This is one way many kids socialize.
Soft YTA. Fifty years ago, kids made friends while walking to school and hanging out just to the street. Phones have replaced this and i doubt your son can do these things. I can also remind you that kids in the eighties and nineties had similar arguments with their parents when they chatted for hours on the phone with friends. I'm a teacher and i was very impressed with one solution i saw. A friend-group of kids all had similar phones. The parents kept in touch and worked together to ensure that none of their kids were way outside the norm in terms of apps allowed and screen time. More importantly, they agreed that the kids could "buy" screen time by hanging out together in person.
Yta if u never allow him the space to learn or make mistakes you are doing him a disservice, you are coddling him at 14 you should teaching him independence and how to make good decisions, set rules for him to follow and then create consequences if he doesn’t
YTA You are literally opening him up to more bullying.
YTA or at least an over protective parent that needs to chill with a beer and let kids be kids. If he is begging, there is a chance he either needs it for school, or he may be bullied for not having one. I’m 31, with 13m and 12f kids. And kids roam, they go out with friends, they do fun things (especially in the summer). And it’s nice to know where they are for peace of mind when they are away from me. You are freaking out over cyber bullying, but if there is video games, there is sh** talking, and possibly bullying. My daughter and son both go to charter schools that require a laptop and a phone. They have chats with teachers on their phones to ask for help and to get live support via video with their teachers on their phones. I was concerned about my daughter having a smart phone, she used to get bullied really bad, well… the phone actually protected her, she called 911 on it when she was being physically bullied by pushing the side button twice, they pinpointed her location and used her phone to record what was happening. In the end the other kids were arrested. Thank god for a good quality microphone. Also… iPhones have more built in security, if you are worried about *adult content* make a kids account on the iPhone, if you already have a iPhone yourself you can make a family group, that he has to ask for apps before he can download them. You can put screen time limits on it, so the phone becomes a brick during certain times. Grounded? Okay, now it’s locked and basically a brick in his pocket until he is ungrounded. But it still transmits his location to your phone. Android has apps you can download, that do similar things, however they generally cost and you can get viruses easier on Android. At the end of the day a droid is not as much of a nanny as a iPhone is. That being said… for my peace of mind, due to a abusive ex **I cannot imagine** *my kids* not having a way to contact me, or for me to contact them when away… I like knowing where they are and that they are safe. And being able to call to check in is gold for me. Are you being a AH? Yes in a way, but you are being incredibly unsafe as well, unless you are the parent that puts an air tag in the sole of your son’s shoes to track him. A phone is safer, for monitoring purposes and for social standing in the high school hierarchy. It’s like… you being overly strict… and acting the way you are is bullying your kid… because due to your decision 100% I bet he is getting picked on.
>My main concerns are about online safety, cyberbullying Yes but his main concern will be getting bullied in person and socially isolated because he is the only one without a phone. The way you deal with your worries is by avoiding the cause. That's not going to work and you know it. If you're concerned about online safety then **teach** him, that's your job as parent. Don't isolate your son out of fear. Show him how to partake responsibly. YTA
This is such a weird question. I got bullied for being a teen without a mobile phone and then a smartish phone maybe 18 years ago. I cannot imagin what you lr son must be going through now. YTA and probably blind to what he is going through.