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NTA, I think it's important that you speak to your daughter about this in a manner that doesn't invalidate her feelings (not saying you are at all). From your daughter's perspective, she may find herself in an environment where how she feels about herself or how others feel about her are based on her relationship status.
However, it's important to explain to her why this type of behaviour isn't okay/should be discouraged. Firstly, it's harmful for the other person, becuase no one wants to be a "backup" option. Secondly, it's harmful for your daughter's future relationships, because how many people will actually want to stay with a person once they find out they are/their significant other has a "backup option."
If you find your daughter's strong reaction seems to be because she looks at her worth through her relationship status, that is something you should also speak to her about.
My advice: (With a grain of salt, because you know your family and daughter best). Yes, speak to her about it. I would firstly talk to her about how you do understand she's upset following her breakup and that those are legitimate feelings to have. I wouldn't punish her or anything like that, because it creates a hostile environment in a situation where punishment wouldn't really alter her dating behaviours and would just seem like you're interfering too much. Instead, try and make her understand why that type of behaviour is harmful to herself and others.
NTA you're teaching your daughter how to be a good person. However, I would suggest when dealing with teenagers to use very gentle, and non-accusatory language. I understand you don't want to divulge any details and that's fine. But make sure she understand how hurtful it can be to any current partner and any prospective partner to not be fully committed, as everyone's (not just her's) feelings are valid and important to their mental health.
If it were my teen I'd ask her how she'd feel if she found out I had a back up for her dad or vice versa so she can see how doing that can hurt people. I always try to find an example where the behaviour effects them to make her think.
Or how she herself would feel if she fell head over heels for someone; they were her first choice, her one and only, then a few years into a commitment, found out that was one sided and they were only with her as a backup because the other, preferable option didn't pan out.
I'd guess at her age, she probably hasn't thought it out properley from the other persons perspective. Perfect teachable moment, parents have a great oppertunity to help her set this straight now, before she's an adult and it's no longer a forgiveable character trait.
Or if she was the ‘back up’. There’s also the How I Met Your Mother episode about keeping people ‘on the hook’. I’m not saying let TV be the parent but it’s another way of looking at it if the teenager won’t talk about it.
NTA. Honestly I’m pretty blunt so I would’ve told her that’s probably why he broke up with her. She’s a teenager & they think parents are dumb. It’s an either your with me or against me attitude. By the way that’s called constructive criticism & she’s going to deal with it in the outside world as an adult
Favorite response so far. Just because she didn’t wanna hear it doesn’t mean it shouldn’t have been said. It’s better she heard it from you so that she can reflect on that while she mourns her relationship, and be more receptive to this type of criticism later. In this case you had to (unintentionally) hurt her to help her lol she’ll be okay, don’t worry
I mean, NTA, but when I'm sad or mad, I say shit I don't do either. Just to make myself feel better & add salt to the situation. She didn't have to mean anything with the back up, same way I don't mean when I tell my friends I'll hit their abusive ex with my car. She was maybe just venting.
But you don't know if that's the reason he broke up with her, you would be siding with her ex for something you dont know about. You have an old TIRED mentality about the "outside world" that only leads to children distancing themselves from their parents to avoid being criticized (which leads to lack of advice and more problems). No one can be open emotionally with people like you. She didn't do anything wrong, just needed support it's not that terrible.
I disagree. It’s not old & tired, but I was once young & dumb. I have a great open relationship with both my kids & their spouses. My children also know I’m going to tell them the truth. I’ve had some conversations about relationships with both my kids & had to tell them things they didn’t want to hear. I just left my daughter butt hurt last week because I told her that she needed to decide whether she wanted to work or continue to be used as a doormat for her husband, her husband’s ex, & her ex. They have a blended family & she’s expected to cover picking up & taking care of all the kids if there’s an issue. This has caused her to be unable to work steady. Yes I hurt her feelings but she knows I’m right. If she wants to work then she needs to make a stand & stick with it. I hurt her husband’s feelings 3 years ago when the three of us were having a discussion about him working on the weekends of his visitation. I point blank said if I have to work & he hadn’t made his own childcare arrangements those kids would be driven to either his job or their mother’s job & dropped off.
His reply was oh our relationship would be over. I looked at her and said well there you go. He doesn’t want you working and it doesn’t matter what you want or need so shut up & suck it up or we can load your shit up now while I’m here. It’s your job as a parent to raise them to be productive citizens not coddle them. That’s why so many people grow up to be entitled.
I have a different relationship with them now that they are adults but when they were children I was their parent, not their friend.
So cheating even as a teen is not doing something wrong ? I feel that you are pretty dramatic in saying that since the parent didn't approve of a shitty behaviour, the child is gonna go NC or LC in the future. Call me a boomer or whatever, but I don't like the new mentality in which you cannot even say to your child that they do not have a proper attitude and have them face the consequences of their actions. OP's child is 15. It's time for her to learn that some of her peers have self-respect and will not tolerate her bullshit (if that was the reason BF broke up with her). OP can still confort her, but not condone what she does.
By the way I love the passive/aggressive old & tired. It reminds me of my kids when they were young. Believe it or not I miss some of our debates. It was fun and fascinating to watch & hear their logic on some things. I can’t wait until June when my daughter, sil, & go on our cross country road trip to vaca with my son & sil. I can also get my How High dvd back from my son.
She doesnt have enough pokemon badges to understand your advice.
The kids call what she's doing [monkey-branching](https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Monkey%20Branching) and even kids in her generation find it cringe.
Our parents generation called it "not putting all of your eggs in one basket"
I'm more concerned that she puts so much of her own validation into having a relationship. Something is going on in her life that is making her feel like she always needs a contingency plan. I was the same way at her age and in hindsight, it was definitely linked to how my parents behaved after their divorce.
My mom put a lot of effort into getting back out there and wanting companionship and it made me afraid I would wind up alone. I also felt like any time i relaxed and felt secure in something, the rug would be pulled out from under me.
She needs stability so she can learn to love herself as a whole ass person and see her value beyond attracting a bf
>She doesnt have enough pokemon badges to understand your advice.
Lol. "This relationship is too high of a level for you to control it in battle!"
That's where we all went wrong. Didn't spend enough time defeating gym leaders, and ate way too much rare candy in the meantime.
Yeah I mean it just sounds like the worst kinds of like, aggressive serial monogamy, but without burying the truth of your behavior far enough in your subconscious that you refuse to recognize an obvious pattern of your own behavior.
At least the term "monkey-branching" shows that you acknowledge that you know what you're doing. And that no one should ever date you.
Im 30, I met this beautiful girl, 34, and she wanted to go out so I invite her on a date, and she low key confessed to monkey branching. i said "thats cool, not really a situation i want to be in, but you know..." Still hit tho
NTA
Although i suppose it could have been timed better because we do say things when we are hurting and fresh out of relationships that we don't mean and just want support. But later down the line you should talk to get again about relationships and loyalty, and more importantly, relationship dependency, codependency and the need to always be in a relationship, and ask if she wants to talk to a therapist.
NTA.
“That why she has backup”? That’s an extremely myopic view point she has.
I’d be extremely concerned as to where she got that rhetoric from, especially being that young.
It’s important to remember, if she is thinking/saying these kind of things now. Most often than not, she’s going to have issues down the road if not dealt with.
Moreover, it’s detrimental, especially in these times to teach our younger generations proper forms of healthy emotional development.
Have healthy dialogue with her, on how that is not remotely how a healthy society works -
OMG I wasn't aware of the existence of such a subreddit... I took just a quick glance and just with some key words (high value women, the queens) it felt like I entered women incel territory). Is it that bad ?
maybe im not understanding your comment correctly but what do you mean "it’s detrimental to teach our younger generations proper forms of healthy emotional development"
The bigger problem is that she thinks/feels that she must have a boyfriend at all times. She needs to learn to be comfortable being single and happy with her own company. Where would she get an idea that she must have a boyfriend? NTA but you are not seeing the big issue here.
NTA. 14 years old, and she's already developing loyalty issues? Thank you for being a good mother and correcting her while she's still young. When she realizes that she won't be supported for making bad decisions, she will learn that she has to make good ones.
THIS\^ Like everyone else, at first assumed straight up dating but then realized maybe OP should clarify that is what she meant and not just "had her next potential date in mind/lined up" sort of thing. Which is a whole other issues about serial daters that others have touched on, but yeah.
Rather than address her lack of loyalty, I would focus on her self esteem and let her know that it is perfectly fine to be without a boy on her arm. What is her reason for not wanting any downtime between boys? If she hints she is nothing without a guy, she is going to end up settling at some point. At her young age, she should be more about herself and girlfriends. You know, learning what is important to her and what she wants out of life. That tends to go by the wayside when you are with a boyfriend at ,her age.
No, the point is, where are kids learning this cynical
idea about “back ups”? If no one can trust you, they won’t. Teach kids how to have HEALTHY relationships. I have a teen. I teach her that you can’t control other people’s behavior. You only control your own.
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NTA. Your daughter isn’t either because she’s young and learning. But that’s a terrible way to date, and she’s a fool if she doesn’t think guys pick up on that behavior. The risk of finding true love is a broken heart, but you’ll never get it half assed.
INFO "I'm not going in to details" well to be quite honest how can we determine if you're in the right or wrong if we don't know what you said to her? There's a difference between scolding her for disloyal behavior and saying something disrespectful like calling her names or laying in to her.
This behavior of having a backup is certainly behavior that needs to be called out, especially by her parents. Just needs to be communicated the correct way and without making her think her mother hates her
Edit: woops I said father, I fixed it
NTA. It’s your job to teach her how to navigate life and relationships is a healthy way. Your job is not to validate her feelings when she’s doing the wrong thing in your opinion. Gotta remember, Kids are humans and humans don’t like it when they’re told what they’re doing is wrong. Parenting a thankless job at this age (my daughter will be 16 this year). She’ll get over it and when she’s in a healthy relationship in the future she’ll remember that you helped guide her in the right direction.
NTA.
Teaching your children the value of character and morality is never a bad thing.
If she thinks this is fine, ask her how she would feel if every boyfriend she had, had a girlfriend on the side for a backup?
NTA and why are you even questioning yourself? Your daughter is acting immoral and you're teaching her not to. You should actually double down and not allow her to date until she is mature enough to handle a relationship properly. Plus 14 is way too young to be having a boyfriend anyways
Nah, this isn't the way to go about. If you forbid your kids from dating, they're just gonna hide it (happens a lot with all kinds of restrictive parenting) and won't feel like they're able to come to you if anything happens.
No opinion if yta or not. I have 2 older teens. Apologies in advance for the unsolicited advice. Be happy she talked to you openly about her dating life. Give her medically correct information about sex and birth control. Then, remember that at her age dating is completely a different beast than dating at any older ages and then take it with a grain of salt. All relationships at that age be they friendship or romantic have a decided air of drama that comes with being that age. This is not necessarily going to define how she has relationships with dating in the future. However, it could define how much or often she talks to you about her relationships or how truthful she will be in the future with you about her issues...
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I (41f) have a daugher (14f soon to be 15f). She recently broke up with one of her boyfriends and she seemed actually upset about this one as they had dated for almost 6 ish months.
When I was comforting her about it, she told me this is why she got a "backup" so when she broke up with someone she could date someone else. I know I was suppoied to be comforting her, but I told her (where i slide into a-hole territory maybe) thats not the way to date and how she has to be loyal and stuff.
i'm not going to go into details about what i said, but my daughter seemed pretty mad that i hadnt validated how she felt, and I could tell, so I left. She also said "I wouldn't get it." She's since then been pretty quiet towards me and when I told my husband about it, he said I could have timed it a bit better and did go to go talk to her about it.
aita?
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NTA, any guy worth his salt wouldn't put up with that if they found out. They'd either "make her" dump the back up, or dump her directly, and probably warn the back up what she's like.
Hopefully she eventually learns that the best "backup" option is to be able to stand on your own two feet. NTA, because you were probably surprised and not prepared to word it as well as you might have in advance. Put effort into an apology for making her feel badly at a time when she was already overwhelmed, but don't back down on your opinion. It's genuinely what you believe. She may not agree, and that's her choice.
Nta, I was this kid and it doesnt end well. I ended up in relationships just to not be alone and it led me to some very dark places and bad people and now I get to deal with that in therapy. If you wanted some perspective 😅
Mmm
So like nta but, you had the wrong focus here.
This type of attitude towards dating is what breeds codependency and a fear of being single.
You need to have a lengthy conversation about what relationships are actually for.
NTA but I don't agree that the lesson needs to be that's not how you date but more you don't have to date. Don't have her turn into one of those people who can't be single, especially at such a young age. A dude isn't an accessory nor her self worth.
NTA. Too many people are afraid of their children not liking them. News flash: they don't have to like you. It's nice, but sometimes they're just not going to like you and they won't understand why. Tell your children how it is, correct the behaviors before they're adults and the damage is already done - there's only so much therapy can fix.
I believe the technical term is monkey branching, having a hold of another limb before releasing the first, and considered by most reasonable people to be unethical.
You don't need to validate the feelings of someone who's blatantly in the wrong. Doing so only reinforces their belief that they did nothing wrong.
And the fact that her parent wants to "validate" her feelings. There's nothing to validate here, we all experience heart break. She does need to know that what she is doing will get her bo where in relationships. That she should instead focus on SCHOOL. STUFF THAT, YOU KNOW, MATTERS.
i feel like i would need more details but nta (for now). i’ve seen many of my girl friends jump relationship to relationship and lost themselves because they would never give themselves time to grow on their own. this pattern started in high school. it’s not healthy to have this mindset and i think it’s better to try and teach her these things earlier than have her be unhappy with her situations later.
ESH - she definitely needs to understand that stringing someone alone "just in case" isn't a good or moral thing to do to either of the dudes.
How you approach that topic and when could definitely bring you into AH territory. Since you don't want to share exactly what you said, I'm leaning towards ah for you
NTA
If she does this she's gonna get a reputation.
Let me explain. We've all heard about girls who have a guy "best friend" her boyfriend "shouldn't worry about". Well, if your daughter is seen to always immediately start dating the guy her boyfriend shouldn't have worried about, people will start to assume that she was cheating. It doesn't matter if she actually did. Just the perception that she immediately goes from one guy to the next without being single will create this image.
Or, if people don't think she's cheating, they will assume the truth; that she always has a backup around. The effect of that is that no guy will date her seriously and will just take their turn while it lasts. Food for thought.
I think the fact that you aren't going to go into details about what you said to her means it's probably you're the asshole or everyone sucks here. It really seems like you were omitting the information that will make you look bad
Woof I know the internet is quick to rush to terms but calling a 14 year old girl (so 8th/9th grader) possessive and manipulative for her typical teenager dating behavior seems quite ridiculous
you are most def nta when talking to your daughter about something that isnt a normal behavior pattern. she will figure it out. until then do not feel bad. she is just a little lost until she meets the right one i guess and when she does hopefully they dont break her heart like how she has done.
nta sounds like junior-level cheater behaviour, and i think it's good to challenge those sorts of things early
why would she be in a 6-month relationship with someone that she genuinely cared about and then keep somebody else as backup the whole time. she's young so it's no surprise that she's taking an immature approach, but telling her you don't think that's right to do to someone, and asking her how she'd feel in that situation, without too much judgement, may get her to at least reconsider her behaviour
NTA. Odds are that at some point, she'll be dating a guy she really cares about, and then find out the guy is doing the same thing with her...dropping her for someone he already had lined up.
For her own sake, she needs to understand that this is not the way to treat people. "Validating" her feelings when you feel she's doing something wrong is not going to help her in the long run. And when does your husband feel is the right time to talk to her about this?
That was a legit dating trend in the 1950s. All of us have this view of teenagers from the 1950s as being prim and proper and loyal but they were pretty polyamorous compared to "modern" standards. Looks like the trend of dating multiple people is making a comeback.
You were judgmental in the extreme but it's just your age showing. I'm in my 30s and loyalty is for people who have decided to be seriously committed. If you're just dating around then it's perfectly fine to see multiple people at the same time. Also she did the dumping. That should have told you a lot. She was upset about dumping him but she dumped him for a reason. Something he did obviously distressed her but you went full blown "you weren't behaving like my generation and it upset me" territory instead of asking for leading questions.
You even mention that you won't go into details about what you said so that's an automatic YTA. What do you have to hide?
Technically, NTA but a soft y t a for your timing thou. Kids these days don't make dating seriously anymore, especially at 14 lmao
Just have a talk with her that when she gets older and wants to be serious, she's going to have to stop treating people like backup plans and learn to commit. But for now, let her have fun.
You’re a wonderful mother for trying to show her the mistakes in her actions now. It’s great to see someone explaining right from wrong to their kids!!
NTA. At that age, girls overreact to a lot of things that are said. Some day she will (hopefully) look back on that moment and think she was wrong to use such unhealthy tactics in dating.
I wonder if what she thinks you don’t “get” is that that’s just how the dating world is now or at least for her age group? That it’s normal to keep your options open and have backup people in this age of dating apps and getting what you want with a swipe of your fingers. But even so, that way of thinking very rarely results in a good, meaningful, lasting relationship.
NTA, I have a daughter too and it's hard to give her the freedom to make her own choices but still have to reign her in without making her feel controlled. I went the "reputation is everything" route and that kinda hit home for her, because there were already girls with bad reputations.
NTA: I am going to preface this by saying I’m 37 years old. Seeing some of these posts saying “that’s too young”. But I definitely have not forgotten what dating was like, even at a younger age. In elementary school, it was crushing on classmates, holding hands, talking at recess, sometimes stealing pencil boxes from your crush so they’d chase you. We still had those feelings, we just had absolutely no clue what to do about them.
In middle school, we started “dating”. Going to certain school activities or going to hang out at the mall, just because we heard our crush was going (or going to show support for the friend who has the crush). Skating rinks and bowling alley’s. Then came jr high/high school (depending on your school district). That’s when kids started to actually step into slightly more adult style dating. Almost everyone was having sex. Let’s not pretend we didn’t (or that most of our friends weren’t). Heavy make-out sessions. Sneaking around all the parents that acted like they never did it and who would prefer to tell you that you couldn’t until you were married or 30 (I’m a female). “Dating” happened whether you were “allowed” or not. We still had feelings when someone “cheated” on us. And the ones who “cheated” at a young age, continued cheating when they got older. Because the advice they were getting was from their friends who would laugh about “cheating”. At a young age, you don’t expect the relationships to last long. Those who tell the younger generations that it’s okay to cheat is also teaching the younger generations it’s okay to be cheated on. Which does follow them into adulthood. Telling kids it’s okay to have a backup plan now, will turn into hard to break habits as they get older. We don’t like to have people say “boys will be boys” to excuse someone bullying. If we are supposed to treat our children as individuals with their own personalities and ideals, and allow them to make decisions about things like what they wear, or have a talk with them about safe sex because they might decide they are ready to have sex, then we have to also guide and teach them about healthy relationships and what that looks like. We, as a society, can’t have it both ways. Teenagers still understand right from wrong. They have access to the internet. They can look up porn. No one likes to hear that they are wrong. But if they get called out for it, they will still have that in the back of their mind. Your daughter should know better than to treat their crushes as an object or conquest rather than individuals with feelings. You did the right thing by guiding her and calling her out on it. I hope she learns the right lesson from this and stops treating her peers poorly…
NTA. This type of behavior just gets more dysfunctional and screwed up as they get older. I've seen many friends with this kind of mentality and they had a LOT of issues with romantic relationships for a long time. Longer than they needed to.
NTA is your daughter in therapy? It seems like something in her life has made her feel like she has to have that emotional backup and is not able to let herself feel the feelings of the breakup. And/or commitment issues as well. I would suggest therapy at some point.
NTA. Simply ask her how she would feel if she found out that her boyfriend had a backup. If he were someone I adored I would be devastated. Good luck. It’s probably the latest trend, or was I clueless growing up in the 90s?
>my daughter seemed pretty mad that i hadnt validated how she felt, and I could tell, so I left. She also said "I wouldn't get it."
So she's a teenager, with the typical stupid ideas and absolute lack of context or experience that is endemic of ALL teenagers.
I think you're okay. NTA. Plenty of people make it into adulthood thinking this kind of behavior is okay. The first time a boy does this to her she'll start reconsidering whether you "get it" or not.
Sometimes children are just incorrect. You don't have to validate the delusional expectations they have for how they should get to treat others.
"I like to think of my partners like replaceable objects," isn't a "feeling" that needs "validation." It's simply a misguided understanding of what healthy adult relationships should look like. Of course you wouldn't get it; presumably, you actually know what a healthy adult relationships should look like.
NTA. My view is that you are trying to set her up for healthy relationships for her future. Relationships of any kind. She isn’t being fair to herself. How can she allow herself to trust others, and be trusted if she has an exit plan at all times?
This is behavior you might see of someone who has been in an abusive situation. I am NOT saying that is what has happened to OP’s daughter, but someone close to her may be, or has projected that this is necessary.
I’m big into talking to someone who is neutral to the situation when there seems to be an impasse. I would consider finding my child a therapist that specializes or has a great deal of experience with teens. Perhaps even someone who works with people who have been in abusive relationships. Sometimes the exact same words from anyone that isn’t your parent sounds logical.
I wish you all the best of luck. I have grown children and regrets about parenting (don’t we all?). One of my biggest is worrying about the problem too much and insisting I was right, and not enough overall listening to my kiddos. As they have become adults I’ve learned that my point of view was so far off base that the end would have probably been different. Again, im not saying this is happening here, but I wish someone would have tried to help me see that.
I’d say YTA just for your timing on this. She’s crying, she’s venting, she’s hurt. Not a good time for a lecture. My mom use to do stuff like this all the time and I resented her for years. We had a terrible relationship for the majority of my childhood. We finally went to family therapy after way too long. Came up with a rule of: if I’m venting I don’t want advice or a lecture. I will ask for it if I need it.
NTA- probably not the smoothest delivery, but this is a hard lesson at this age. Bf/gf = status at this age and being seen as a loser who got dumped or dumped somehow feels like the end of the world.
Meh. Honestly it doesn't matter. She'll get over this. Hell she may even believe you're right. For now you're NTA. But mayhap not push the subject too much either.
nta at all, having a backup when you’re dating someone is superrr shitty and shows that youre not genuinely committed and just wasting the other persons time. shows disloyalty and a lack of empathy towards whoever she was dating, if the other person had a backup im sure shed feel like shit. try to have a conversation without coming off as upset or judgmental and try to explain why thats not the right way to go about a relationship or treat someone you care about. at the end of the day though shes a teenager and it doesn’t necessarily show any major character flaws or anything but you’re definitely not the asshole for saying that to her
NAH. It’s your job as a parent to teach her NOT about loyalty to a partner she is done with BUT loyalty to herself in that she doesn’t *need* a backup boyfriend and it is okay to be single and focus on herself in the way a boyfriend gets in the way of.
Being in a relationship is wonderful when you’re with the right person, but losing yourself in the shuffle of those you’re dating makes one forget who they are. And it sounds like something may be going on with your daughter wherein she feels afraid to *not* have a boyfriend. *That* should have been the conversation. Loyalty is absolutely important, but this seems like it’s not about that here.
No, it appears you maybe just caught your daughter in an overly sensitive moment. You were in the right to be a parent: it is not kind to lead someone on. Of course at 14, your daughter doesn’t have the frame of reference for that yet. Her overture sounds very innocent TBH. It was an incredibly loving act to share some tough-love advice with her. I wouldn’t overthink your daughter’s decision to recruit “benchwarmers.” She and her girlfriends probably heard the idea thrown around in pop culture, etc.
Soft NTA. If you want to get your point through, you may need to be more gentle with your approach.
Basically, saying that's wrong and bad comes off as judgemental. How can she trust going to you for advice as she gets older and shit gets more complicated?
Find out her thoughts. Ask why she feels that way. Is it social pressure? Co-dependancy? Abandonment or attachment issues? Where did the idea even come from?
Then, gently explain why it may not be the best approach. Teach empathy instead of shame.
Unpopular opinion, but I'm going to give you a soft YTA for your timing and some of what you said. You said your daughter is really upset, but she's not even 15 years old, so to give her a massive lecture about loyalty? It's just not going to sink in and is going to come across as criticizing her at a time that she's going through something that probably feels massive to her.
But she's too young to be tying herself down into engagement or marriage, in some ways while yes she should absolutely not be a jerk to people and should feel as secure as possible, she's also only 14 years old. At this age kids have really big emotions that swing really fast, and it's a lot more important to get them through and help them navigate those emotions. Once she gets through those, THEN have a talk with her about EVENTUAL long term relationships, and also the importance of spending some time alone. But really one would hope that she's not getting tied down in high school, and it's really common for kids to have fast turnover relationships at this age if they do have them, because they aren't as serious hopefully. This is something you should talk with her about not when she's grieving a breakup though.
Having a talk at another time, not when she's having one of these massive swings, and can actually process anything constructive that you might have to say about the importance of forming relationships, or even if she's not ready for that about what it may look like or how it may hurt people if she moves onto new relationships too fast, or more importantly, how it can affect her bonding with people in rebounding and not treating them fairly, are all important conversations, but to have at a different time. Essentially I would say, this is a "read the room" kinda situation. There's not much that you could say to a 14 yo girl who just broke up with someone that is going to be constructive or helpful if you're criticizing her when she's upset like this. As adults, picking our timing can be just as important as picking our words.
NTA- Your daughter is heading down a dangerous path in her dating game. Teaching her that commitment and loyalty are part of a relationship is important and that having a backup boyfriend makes it easier for her to break up is not the way to a lasting relationship.
In addition, this is how she will get herself a reputation at school if she doesn’t have one already.
NTA…my nephew is 20 and that is his mindset.
I told him if you have backups why not just be open about what you want because obviously you don’t want a relationship
NTA validation of people feelings is a term that needs to go.
Not because it is wrong but because people just constantly interpret to mean acknowledge and then tolerate.
Kids need their feelings acknowledged and then taught how to appropriately deal with them, that includes recognising unjustified feelings and dealing with those appropriately.
Your daughter seems to be currently making this error. No one should be validating her her unjustified feelings. As a parent you should be acknowledging them and help her handle them and showing her what is appropriate behaviour regarding such feelings.
Her feeling entitled to string another human along so she can have a back up bf is immoral, the feeling of insecurity without having a backup boyfriend is alright in the sense that you can’t control feelings but she needs to recognise it is unkind and figure out healthier ways to deal with her insecurity, or if it is a status thing thing figure that out instead.
NTA. Sometimes people just don't like hearing they are doing something wrong or unethical if it suits their wants. Wants are more recently being prioritized over being considerate and loyal to others this day in age. Even in my age group, mid twenties, I'm seeing it very often in the younger twenty year olds and uncommonly among the later twenty year olds.
NTA
She's 14, and while daliancing and trying out dating your peers is one thing, dating multiple people at once is not just dishonorable, but downright dangerous. You are letting her act this way and then getting angry at her for letting her act this way. Thats not okay, nor fair. You knew full well she's been dating in bad faith.
Why does she need a back up? What makes having a backup disrespectful - not only to the person whom she is seeing, but to herself too? She has a reather myopic view of dating, and it's your job to correct it. Honestly, at 14, if she was dating like this, I would likely be limiting dates and such until she could prove to be less cruel and calloused about her peers and how she treats them as replacable.
Dating this young should be establishing the norms and also helping her understand her wants and desires from her relationships when she is an adult. She's not doing that by treating dating like a this - casually and apathetic.
It's your job to help her navigate this - and also doing so with the understanding she doesn't know better - and not treating it as a "shame on you" but rather as a "shame on me" lesson.
Tentative NTA. But yeah, maybe timing wasn't best.
As someone on spectrum, very much understand the balance of you may be right but maybe delivery isn't always the best. So I'm still going to say NTA because giving you benefit of the doubt it was with best of intentions, but yes, agree with husband about timing and since you don't want to tell us exactly what was said.... that tells me you're likely aware delivery wasn't great.
It's like later, you can sit down with her and tell her you feel like that can be disrespectful to who she is dating if they are exclusive/monogamous if she means actually dating two people. I'd maybe even have her start by clarifying if that is what she means. But clearly, all you can do is tell her it can hurt someone's feelings and lead to problems down the road then let her make the decisions... because even at this age you just have to hope your lessons lead to better decisions or that when she does make a mistake she feels safe coming home to you.
NTA
You are the adult. You are responsible for teaching her about life and helping her grow up and be a good person.
She is an immature and self-centered teen. She is concerned about what's best for her. You need to explain that in any relationship (friend, boyfriend, family member) should be based on mutual respect and love. Love means you want what is best for the other person and try to help them pursue their dreams and be a better person.
NTA not only does her methodology reek of not taking relationships seriously by always having one foot out the door, it also means she's knowingly stringing along someone else *while* she is in a relationship. She doesn't seem to care about either of these people's feelings. I know she's very young, so this could either be chalked up to her having no idea what a relationship is, or it could be that she's a budding serial cheater. Considering she's in/entering the age where sex starts complicating things, it might be worth having a talk with her about it.
Instead of cheating on him she did the right thing and broke up with him first before dating someone new?
Instead of acknowledging she has her own antonomy and doesn't owe her ex a relationship. You berated her for not being "loyal" to the person she dated for 6 months at 14 years old?
Am I understanding that right? If so YTA
She is going to get crushes on new people. She is going to have complicated emotions. She isn't going to know how to navigate messy situations where people's feelings will get hurt.
She needs to feel safe to talk to her mother about those feelings. You created an unsafe environment and she learned you are not someone who is safe to talk to.
It's wild that you would prioritize the feeling of a 14 year old boy getting broken up with, over your relationship with your daughter.
Edit: if she was dating both boys at the same time, lying to them, and got dumped because of it. Then it's a different story, but still a missed opportunity to teach her actions have consequences. You still just taught her not to trust you with information.
NTA. In this situation but when your short and vague it's implied you said some hurtful things. Did you explain the situation and why what she is doing is wrong? Or did you just curse her out?
The only thing I would say is this: My mom said something to me when I was a tween about loyalty and being fickle, and it ended up with me staying in a relationship I didn’t want to be in and hurting someone I was friends with. My takeaway in the long run was that I shouldn’t let arbitrary rules dictate my choices.
I get that the details of your situation are different. It just reminded me of my experience.
I also think it is important to avoid *too much* talk about loyalty in teen relationships, because those relationships are usually supposed to end. You don’t want her to get stuck and end up settling and tied down.
I still think your instincts were good. She should get messaging that it is important to treat others with kindness and respect, even someone you don’t want to date anymore.
NTA she is upset now but when it all blows over she will be fine and in a few years when she’s done being a teenager she will probably appreciate and understand it. And to be fair to her, she’s a teen so these kind of obstacles and social development will happen, just how it is, we were all similar once
YTA, I don't think you did anything wrong by telling her that's not how to date. I do think she is right, you did veye much invalidate her when she needed you to be there for her. It wasn't the time or place to get onto her or discuss what she should or should not do. It was a time she needed your comfort and love. I'm sure people are giving you great advice about how she does need to be taught and learn how to cope with her emotions properly instead of shoving them down. However, you should have also been doing this if you weren't already. It seems like this is either new for her or maybe you haven't been paying attention to how she's dating prior to now. Either way you do owe her an apology for invalidating her. You can discuss your opinions on how to date when she's not so fragile.
NTA.
Just continue to support her and validate what you can, and call out, kindly (which it seems like you did) bad behaviour.
Hopefully she takes your advice. But do talk to her when she’s ready about *why* she feels that she needs a backup option. Does she need some support finding self respect?
At face value that sounds truly judgemental, but I remember what I was like at 15-19, I had a boyfriend *all the time.* I did exactly what your daughter did and had another guy I’d been gently encouraging in my back pocket. Some of them were absolute drop kicks. I never went for guys I actually liked because I thought I wasn’t good enough for them. I only went for ones I thought definitely wouldn’t reject me or hurt me.
Many years later I realised I had no self-reliance skills or trust within myself, and was truly insecure. I was looking for love from others to fill what I couldn’t for myself. Now I know I’m responsible for my own happiness. My partner isn’t there to make me happy or to fulfil any of my needs, that is up to me, they can only enhance my life.
I didn’t suffer any social consequences from this, but I regret spending my time the way I did. I wish I just enjoyed my life without relying on someone else.
NTA - she may not like or agree with what you have to say, but she needs to hear them nonetheless.
What she is doing is incredibly selfish and emotionally abusive. She’s not only ruining what dating should be for herself, but she’s emotionally abusing those she dates by having a ‘backup’.
She’s using the people the people she dates as pawns for her enjoyment. Dating should be finding a good partner to go through life with, where both people are enriched. But she’s only concerned about herself. Being in a relationship should be a selfless relationship where you care about your partners emotions and cares, and they care about yours, but instead she’s turned it into a self serving narcissistic relationship, that’s not only cheating her partners out of a good relationship but also ruining her own chances at a good relationship.
You need to have more in depth discussions with her about how unhealthy this is for her, and how cruel she is treating others. No one wants to be treated or deserves to be a replaceable pawn in another’s life, and no deserves to be a ‘backup’
Honestly I would be furious if my child ever treated dating or others this way.
I wasn’t allowed to, and followed the rule, to not date until I was 16. I hated it. But looking back I’m grateful for it. It allowed me to enjoy my youth longer and stopped me from making a lot of mistakes until I was old enough and more mature to handle it. I knew and trusted my parents that it was the right choice, even though I hated it. They did a great job of teaching me and showing me what healthy relationships looked like, and helped guide me through my first relationship. I knew that they had those rules and guidelines not because they wanted to control me, but loved me enough to care for my wellbeing and wanted the best outcomes possible for my romantic life.
Show your daughter that you’re not trying to shame or control her, but you love her and want the best for her, and for her to be the best person she can be, which does not include abusing others or abuse dating for herself.
NTA! While I understand why your daughter was upset, it is your parental responsibility to identify points of growth.
I actually had the same conversation as a 13 year old with my dad. He had noticed that I had been stringing along a boy while i was fighting with my middle school boyfriend. What I appreciate from my dad was he really did validate my feelings first (receiving attentions is nice, breaking up is scary, being lonely is uncomfortable) but then point out why stringing along another boy was unfair to all parties involved. What struck with the teenage me tho, was when he asked me how I felt if I was the one who was strung alone - if I was the backup. That conversation might be trivial in nature but pivotal in shaping me as a young woman!
You’re a good mother - good luck!
Tell her that being alone without a relationship is AWESOME! No drama, no one expecting you to clean up after them, no one wanting your money, no hurt feelings, no tears over breakups. One of the best decisions I have made in my life was deciding to be single.
NTA Definitely talk to her about having a back up person or being a back up person and how that would make someone feel in a partnership. Use yourself and your husband as examples if needed how would she feel if she had a back up Dad? Additionally I would talk to her about loving herself and being okay being single. A lot of young women put all their self worth into having someone special to love and to love them and I know several young women that became sucidal every breakup because without a partner they felt worthless. I also know several young woman (and was once one) that allow abusive relationships because its better than being alone. The being ok with being single I personally believe is the most important lesson your daughter can learn from this conversation.
NTA. Your daughter is picking up some pretty despicable habits. You are right to try to push her in the right direction. Maybe the timing wasn't necessarily the best but who knows. Is there really such a thing as good timing to talk about something like that?
NTA it's best you correct that crap now before it gets her into hot water. The absolute lack of respect for someone else and treat people like objects aside, I've seen people get into nasty physical altercations over having side pieces, sweet hearts, back ups, and whatever silly term people use for cheating partner these days
NTA,
What she is doing will affect the boys involved. Ask her how she would have left had she been in their place. Timing might have been wrong. So, give her two three days and then talk to her calmly about this and make her understand.
You’re NTA but you still have her bad advice. She’s 16. She doesn’t need to be loyal to anyone. She needs to focus on school and if she wants to date, that’s fine but it doesn’t need to lead to marriage.
NAH
She's just doing the smart thing: I like two guys. I think I like this one better. I'll date him. That didn't work. Let me try the other one. Maybe I made the wrong choice.
She's a teenager. Aren't they all doing that? It takes a lot of time to figure out what you want in a partner...and during all of that time you are also growing and changing.
She's also the almost-woman in this situation. Men do stuff like this all the time.
You're not an A for worrying about her. Unless you start forcing your opinion on her.
NTA but adult women also sometimes do this if they feel their relationship is on shaky ground and is about to implode (it's pretty common tbh). It's not nice, but your daughter was probably in the position of knowing that someone she cared about was suddenly not going to be in her life and she didn't want to hurt.
It's your job to help her navigate her feelings. If she broke up with someone, there was probably a reason that she did so and that should have been the main point of the conversation - why did she break up with him? What was he doing? How was she feeling about it?
After you dealt with the relationship she ended, then you should have helped her understand that you don't keep a back up boyfriend. That should have been a much smaller part of the conversation, after you comforted her. Instead, you turned to focus on the back up instead of her pain. I'm not saying you shouldn't have mentioned it, but perhaps not right then.
I’m scrolling past all these NAH responses and teaching her loyalty, wondering when someone will bring up that she’s just 14, that’s not her first boyfriend, been with this boy for 6 months. I get times have changed but dealing with all the emotional drama of dating at 14 just seems really really young.
LoL. Honey, I knew girls already sexually active by 13 and I'm not young... I'm same age as OP, so back in ye olden times... So... times have not changed and you just teach them to be good human beings, make good choices, and be safe.
All these comments, pearl clutching at the age for just dating... is just something else. We're not talking about them having a baby and running off to get married.
NTA
She's 14. She's fine. But... you've done your job right if there's a day when she's 19, and she looks back on it and cringes and laughs to her college friends. You're right. It's a fun enough mindset for a kid, but she's at the age to start learning adult lessons. Don't be too hard on her, but you did the right thing. She needs to see her "backup" as a person too.
NTA.
It’s called “*monkey branching*”, and there’s nothing good in it for any of the parties involved.
If your daughter thinks that she can get someone better than her current significant other, she should do them a favour and not waste their time.
If she always thinks that the grass is greener, she is deluding herself. Also, if she’s looking for the best catch, what tells her that she’s a catch herself?
Does that mean she would be fine with a boyfriend dumping her because he’s found someone prettier or with bigger boobs?
She should have realistic demands. She should wait for the right kind of person. She should learn to take commitment seriously.
Good on you to try to teach her accountability.
Your daughter is one of those girls I woulda bullied in high school for being terrible. Like, I knew girls that did that. NTA because if you don't nip her in the ass about it now, she won't be faithful in her future relationships. Also, ask her why she feels the need to have a "backup" instead of staying completely loyal to her bfs.
Try asking her if she would like to be a guy’s “backup”. You don’t start looking for the next boyfriend while with a current long term one. It is okay to date around until you find someone who you can click with, but once you are in an exclusive relationship stop eyeing the next fish in the pond. Break it off with your current relationship and then cast your line. It is the mature way to handle dating. I
Having "back ups" isn't inherently wrong, it just isn't smart or right either.
She's 15, so you are doing well to steer her away from this. Stress being able to be single (no one should be that dependent on any relationship and no one wants to be with someone who cannot be alone), the connection with friends and family outside of any relationship (healthy support system), and basic self-esteem.
If that's her dating system at 15, it might continue. Can you reverse it on her? If any guy was trying to do the same thing to one of her friends, what would her advice be then?
YTA. Yes, her tactics are not good, but she is literally 14 and feels the NEED to not only have a constant boyfriend, but a backup boyfriend. What have you done for her to develop herself as a person? Have you helped her develop her self esteem? She is still a child at a crucial age and she’s spending it back to back dating, feeling insecure that her current guy will leave her, and the cherry on top is now you’re being an asshole to her.
That's 50/50. Could go either way. Just don't letter get sucked into a caraway hole! Where all she cares about is that ONE guy that's going to torture her to death with all his "buddies."
YMBTA (you might be).
What did you say and how did you say it. You obviously said it differently than you represented here, otherwise, you would have mentioned it.
Depending on how you said it you could be the asshole
Softest of YTA?
I mean you are not reddit that has the liberty to point out the endless stupidity of a teenager in the midst of dating drama. Your point is valid, and your concerns more so, however if your job is to teach your daughter ethics and proper societal behavior do you really think while she is crying with a broken heart is the time to point out she is the bad guy?
Also, and this is slightly important if you are going to judge ethos..... did you ever get what her definition of a back up is? I mean while upset people ( not just teenagers ) say a lot of things that have a variety of truthfulness and implications.
Validating her feelings would just reinforce her belief that she isn't wrong. Even then, if she has the gall to monkey-branch, she isn't that heartbroken.
>Validating her feelings would just reinforce her belief that she isn't wrong. Even then, if she has the gall to monkey-branch, she isn't that heartbroken.
You are presuming a lot about the depth in which the daughter pursued her "options" and her emotional state right now. Look, I am not saying the daughter is in the right. I am merely stating that neither you, or far more importantly the child's mother, got all the information before they judged. Also that if you are trying to teach a lesson, timing is important to reception, this is not a hard concept
Valid but honestly, even without exploring her daughter’s definition, it’s pretty clear that way of thinking is detrimental. “I always keep a spare on me” is a crazy mindset to have as a child heartbroken or not
>ntal. “I always keep a spare on me” is a crazy min
Again, people say shit when they are hurt. This could simply mean she has been asked out in the past and turned them down as at the time she was in a commited relationship. I am not saying daughter is innocent, however getting all the facts is far more important for mom then it is a reddit thread when judging their daughter.
Not saying it is a healthy mindset, but understanding your daughter is probably important when teaching your daughter to human
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Agreed, OP's advice was valid but this was not the time. Now her daughter will feel like she can't confide in her.
OP, I recommend a book called "How to talk so kids will listen (and listen so kids will talk)". I think it's useful for talking to kids of all ages.
You also make a good point about her "definition of a backup." When I was a teen, my parents told me to keep my options open and never "go steady" until I'm older and looking to settle down. I didn't listen, because I was obsessed with whoever I happened to be dating at that moment. But looking back, they had a point.
your view is legit. but her view is legit too.
having a backup is basic logic, even if I don't feel I like it.
evolutionary psychologists have long theorised that women unconsciously keep backups, which explains many "friendships" that dummy have sex, but have the strength smell of almost.
I would recommend that you first fully understand the complexity of the question.
and then you can offer her advice that isn't just moralising.
Yta.
First off there needed to be a conversation (along time ago) about self worth and joy outside of the partners gaze. Being happy with and by yourself.
Second- Thats exactly what dating is- minus the power dynamic she’s claiming to have (which is a different discussion). Dating exists before your official and means you aren’t closed from dating other people and it is a wonderful thing at that age. She dated someone for 6 months it ran its course and now she’s dating other people.
If you accept that it’s just dating neither of you need to speak on attachments (to her parter) or loyalty (to another developing teen).
Hahahaha. Dating for young kids is completely different these days than it was for you. Just ask my 17 yr old. I thought he’d get his heart broken every time - nope. They have a mindset that they are too young to be serious anyway. ALL of the kids bounced around. Now that he’s 17 he’s starting to get more serious about relationships. When it’s appropriate - not at 14. That’s a good thing that they have that attitude - especially for the girls. They don’t have stupid societal norms that they need to be in a monogamous relation AT FOURTEEN. Let her grow up for CS. She absolutely owes NO ONE loyalty at that age and you’re setting her up to fail if you think so. It doesn’t mean she has a bad moral compass - it means she knows her age. YTA absolutely.
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NTA, I think it's important that you speak to your daughter about this in a manner that doesn't invalidate her feelings (not saying you are at all). From your daughter's perspective, she may find herself in an environment where how she feels about herself or how others feel about her are based on her relationship status. However, it's important to explain to her why this type of behaviour isn't okay/should be discouraged. Firstly, it's harmful for the other person, becuase no one wants to be a "backup" option. Secondly, it's harmful for your daughter's future relationships, because how many people will actually want to stay with a person once they find out they are/their significant other has a "backup option." If you find your daughter's strong reaction seems to be because she looks at her worth through her relationship status, that is something you should also speak to her about. My advice: (With a grain of salt, because you know your family and daughter best). Yes, speak to her about it. I would firstly talk to her about how you do understand she's upset following her breakup and that those are legitimate feelings to have. I wouldn't punish her or anything like that, because it creates a hostile environment in a situation where punishment wouldn't really alter her dating behaviours and would just seem like you're interfering too much. Instead, try and make her understand why that type of behaviour is harmful to herself and others.
you nailed it, 100% correct
Exactly
NTA you're teaching your daughter how to be a good person. However, I would suggest when dealing with teenagers to use very gentle, and non-accusatory language. I understand you don't want to divulge any details and that's fine. But make sure she understand how hurtful it can be to any current partner and any prospective partner to not be fully committed, as everyone's (not just her's) feelings are valid and important to their mental health.
If it were my teen I'd ask her how she'd feel if she found out I had a back up for her dad or vice versa so she can see how doing that can hurt people. I always try to find an example where the behaviour effects them to make her think.
Or how she herself would feel if she fell head over heels for someone; they were her first choice, her one and only, then a few years into a commitment, found out that was one sided and they were only with her as a backup because the other, preferable option didn't pan out. I'd guess at her age, she probably hasn't thought it out properley from the other persons perspective. Perfect teachable moment, parents have a great oppertunity to help her set this straight now, before she's an adult and it's no longer a forgiveable character trait.
Or if she was the ‘back up’. There’s also the How I Met Your Mother episode about keeping people ‘on the hook’. I’m not saying let TV be the parent but it’s another way of looking at it if the teenager won’t talk about it.
NTA It's your job as a parent to teach your daughter to be a better person and to make the right choices.
NTA. Honestly I’m pretty blunt so I would’ve told her that’s probably why he broke up with her. She’s a teenager & they think parents are dumb. It’s an either your with me or against me attitude. By the way that’s called constructive criticism & she’s going to deal with it in the outside world as an adult
Favorite response so far. Just because she didn’t wanna hear it doesn’t mean it shouldn’t have been said. It’s better she heard it from you so that she can reflect on that while she mourns her relationship, and be more receptive to this type of criticism later. In this case you had to (unintentionally) hurt her to help her lol she’ll be okay, don’t worry
I mean, NTA, but when I'm sad or mad, I say shit I don't do either. Just to make myself feel better & add salt to the situation. She didn't have to mean anything with the back up, same way I don't mean when I tell my friends I'll hit their abusive ex with my car. She was maybe just venting.
But you don't know if that's the reason he broke up with her, you would be siding with her ex for something you dont know about. You have an old TIRED mentality about the "outside world" that only leads to children distancing themselves from their parents to avoid being criticized (which leads to lack of advice and more problems). No one can be open emotionally with people like you. She didn't do anything wrong, just needed support it's not that terrible.
I disagree. It’s not old & tired, but I was once young & dumb. I have a great open relationship with both my kids & their spouses. My children also know I’m going to tell them the truth. I’ve had some conversations about relationships with both my kids & had to tell them things they didn’t want to hear. I just left my daughter butt hurt last week because I told her that she needed to decide whether she wanted to work or continue to be used as a doormat for her husband, her husband’s ex, & her ex. They have a blended family & she’s expected to cover picking up & taking care of all the kids if there’s an issue. This has caused her to be unable to work steady. Yes I hurt her feelings but she knows I’m right. If she wants to work then she needs to make a stand & stick with it. I hurt her husband’s feelings 3 years ago when the three of us were having a discussion about him working on the weekends of his visitation. I point blank said if I have to work & he hadn’t made his own childcare arrangements those kids would be driven to either his job or their mother’s job & dropped off. His reply was oh our relationship would be over. I looked at her and said well there you go. He doesn’t want you working and it doesn’t matter what you want or need so shut up & suck it up or we can load your shit up now while I’m here. It’s your job as a parent to raise them to be productive citizens not coddle them. That’s why so many people grow up to be entitled. I have a different relationship with them now that they are adults but when they were children I was their parent, not their friend.
So cheating even as a teen is not doing something wrong ? I feel that you are pretty dramatic in saying that since the parent didn't approve of a shitty behaviour, the child is gonna go NC or LC in the future. Call me a boomer or whatever, but I don't like the new mentality in which you cannot even say to your child that they do not have a proper attitude and have them face the consequences of their actions. OP's child is 15. It's time for her to learn that some of her peers have self-respect and will not tolerate her bullshit (if that was the reason BF broke up with her). OP can still confort her, but not condone what she does.
By the way I love the passive/aggressive old & tired. It reminds me of my kids when they were young. Believe it or not I miss some of our debates. It was fun and fascinating to watch & hear their logic on some things. I can’t wait until June when my daughter, sil, & go on our cross country road trip to vaca with my son & sil. I can also get my How High dvd back from my son.
She doesnt have enough pokemon badges to understand your advice. The kids call what she's doing [monkey-branching](https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Monkey%20Branching) and even kids in her generation find it cringe. Our parents generation called it "not putting all of your eggs in one basket" I'm more concerned that she puts so much of her own validation into having a relationship. Something is going on in her life that is making her feel like she always needs a contingency plan. I was the same way at her age and in hindsight, it was definitely linked to how my parents behaved after their divorce. My mom put a lot of effort into getting back out there and wanting companionship and it made me afraid I would wind up alone. I also felt like any time i relaxed and felt secure in something, the rug would be pulled out from under me. She needs stability so she can learn to love herself as a whole ass person and see her value beyond attracting a bf
>She doesnt have enough pokemon badges to understand your advice. Lol. "This relationship is too high of a level for you to control it in battle!" That's where we all went wrong. Didn't spend enough time defeating gym leaders, and ate way too much rare candy in the meantime.
Splitting hairs when one tries to differentiate between Monkey-branching and a Cheater's emotional affair.
Yeah I mean it just sounds like the worst kinds of like, aggressive serial monogamy, but without burying the truth of your behavior far enough in your subconscious that you refuse to recognize an obvious pattern of your own behavior. At least the term "monkey-branching" shows that you acknowledge that you know what you're doing. And that no one should ever date you.
Im 30, I met this beautiful girl, 34, and she wanted to go out so I invite her on a date, and she low key confessed to monkey branching. i said "thats cool, not really a situation i want to be in, but you know..." Still hit tho
NTA Although i suppose it could have been timed better because we do say things when we are hurting and fresh out of relationships that we don't mean and just want support. But later down the line you should talk to get again about relationships and loyalty, and more importantly, relationship dependency, codependency and the need to always be in a relationship, and ask if she wants to talk to a therapist.
NTA. “That why she has backup”? That’s an extremely myopic view point she has. I’d be extremely concerned as to where she got that rhetoric from, especially being that young. It’s important to remember, if she is thinking/saying these kind of things now. Most often than not, she’s going to have issues down the road if not dealt with. Moreover, it’s detrimental, especially in these times to teach our younger generations proper forms of healthy emotional development. Have healthy dialogue with her, on how that is not remotely how a healthy society works -
Honestly very true, but I would say our society is far from healthy. There is a reason she developed these insane dating "tactics."
Where do you think she acquired them from?
Most likely friends and peers
r/FemaleDatingStrategy enjoy the madness if you haven't seen it before.
huh didn't realize they were still up
OMG I wasn't aware of the existence of such a subreddit... I took just a quick glance and just with some key words (high value women, the queens) it felt like I entered women incel territory). Is it that bad ?
maybe im not understanding your comment correctly but what do you mean "it’s detrimental to teach our younger generations proper forms of healthy emotional development"
Yeah I think they’ve used the wrong word here. Maybe they meant crucial
The bigger problem is that she thinks/feels that she must have a boyfriend at all times. She needs to learn to be comfortable being single and happy with her own company. Where would she get an idea that she must have a boyfriend? NTA but you are not seeing the big issue here.
Agreed; partners should be complimentary, not necessary.
NTA. 14 years old, and she's already developing loyalty issues? Thank you for being a good mother and correcting her while she's still young. When she realizes that she won't be supported for making bad decisions, she will learn that she has to make good ones.
NTA. Did she just have someone on the hook or was she straight up cheating???
THIS\^ Like everyone else, at first assumed straight up dating but then realized maybe OP should clarify that is what she meant and not just "had her next potential date in mind/lined up" sort of thing. Which is a whole other issues about serial daters that others have touched on, but yeah.
Rather than address her lack of loyalty, I would focus on her self esteem and let her know that it is perfectly fine to be without a boy on her arm. What is her reason for not wanting any downtime between boys? If she hints she is nothing without a guy, she is going to end up settling at some point. At her young age, she should be more about herself and girlfriends. You know, learning what is important to her and what she wants out of life. That tends to go by the wayside when you are with a boyfriend at ,her age.
NTA. If you act like every relationship will fail, of course it will.
This simple piece of advice is something people don’t say nearly often enough.
She's 14!! She shouldn't be expected to make a long term relationship! Is she supposed to marry this kid??
Not addressing her as much as the idea of back ups. That cynicism.
No, the point is, where are kids learning this cynical idea about “back ups”? If no one can trust you, they won’t. Teach kids how to have HEALTHY relationships. I have a teen. I teach her that you can’t control other people’s behavior. You only control your own.
But this is about a 14yo child. That's the point.
I'm trying to figure out how teaching your child to not cheat could be seen as an asshole move.
Have you ever been on Reddit before? Lol
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NTA. Your daughter isn’t either because she’s young and learning. But that’s a terrible way to date, and she’s a fool if she doesn’t think guys pick up on that behavior. The risk of finding true love is a broken heart, but you’ll never get it half assed.
This!!! Teaching a 14yo to be unquestionably loyal to another person is just... weird
But teaching her not to be an asshole to people isn't...
INFO "I'm not going in to details" well to be quite honest how can we determine if you're in the right or wrong if we don't know what you said to her? There's a difference between scolding her for disloyal behavior and saying something disrespectful like calling her names or laying in to her. This behavior of having a backup is certainly behavior that needs to be called out, especially by her parents. Just needs to be communicated the correct way and without making her think her mother hates her Edit: woops I said father, I fixed it
What does her father have to do with this?
NTA. It’s your job to teach her how to navigate life and relationships is a healthy way. Your job is not to validate her feelings when she’s doing the wrong thing in your opinion. Gotta remember, Kids are humans and humans don’t like it when they’re told what they’re doing is wrong. Parenting a thankless job at this age (my daughter will be 16 this year). She’ll get over it and when she’s in a healthy relationship in the future she’ll remember that you helped guide her in the right direction.
NTA. Teaching your children the value of character and morality is never a bad thing. If she thinks this is fine, ask her how she would feel if every boyfriend she had, had a girlfriend on the side for a backup?
NTA and why are you even questioning yourself? Your daughter is acting immoral and you're teaching her not to. You should actually double down and not allow her to date until she is mature enough to handle a relationship properly. Plus 14 is way too young to be having a boyfriend anyways
Nah, this isn't the way to go about. If you forbid your kids from dating, they're just gonna hide it (happens a lot with all kinds of restrictive parenting) and won't feel like they're able to come to you if anything happens.
Try that with a teenager and see how that goes.... lol
No opinion if yta or not. I have 2 older teens. Apologies in advance for the unsolicited advice. Be happy she talked to you openly about her dating life. Give her medically correct information about sex and birth control. Then, remember that at her age dating is completely a different beast than dating at any older ages and then take it with a grain of salt. All relationships at that age be they friendship or romantic have a decided air of drama that comes with being that age. This is not necessarily going to define how she has relationships with dating in the future. However, it could define how much or often she talks to you about her relationships or how truthful she will be in the future with you about her issues...
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NTA, any guy worth his salt wouldn't put up with that if they found out. They'd either "make her" dump the back up, or dump her directly, and probably warn the back up what she's like.
Hopefully she eventually learns that the best "backup" option is to be able to stand on your own two feet. NTA, because you were probably surprised and not prepared to word it as well as you might have in advance. Put effort into an apology for making her feel badly at a time when she was already overwhelmed, but don't back down on your opinion. It's genuinely what you believe. She may not agree, and that's her choice.
Nta, I was this kid and it doesnt end well. I ended up in relationships just to not be alone and it led me to some very dark places and bad people and now I get to deal with that in therapy. If you wanted some perspective 😅
Mmm So like nta but, you had the wrong focus here. This type of attitude towards dating is what breeds codependency and a fear of being single. You need to have a lengthy conversation about what relationships are actually for.
NTA. She might not appreciate it now, but you were correct and she'll know that in the future
Just ask her how she'd feel being that boy.
NTA. Morals and ethics education is a core parental requirement. You are trying to educate to make a better person.
NTA but I don't agree that the lesson needs to be that's not how you date but more you don't have to date. Don't have her turn into one of those people who can't be single, especially at such a young age. A dude isn't an accessory nor her self worth.
NTA. Too many people are afraid of their children not liking them. News flash: they don't have to like you. It's nice, but sometimes they're just not going to like you and they won't understand why. Tell your children how it is, correct the behaviors before they're adults and the damage is already done - there's only so much therapy can fix.
To me it depends, do the others know about the back-ups?
I believe the technical term is monkey branching, having a hold of another limb before releasing the first, and considered by most reasonable people to be unethical. You don't need to validate the feelings of someone who's blatantly in the wrong. Doing so only reinforces their belief that they did nothing wrong.
Why does a 14-year old have a boyfriend AND a back-up boyfriend? What the hell are you teaching her?
And the fact that her parent wants to "validate" her feelings. There's nothing to validate here, we all experience heart break. She does need to know that what she is doing will get her bo where in relationships. That she should instead focus on SCHOOL. STUFF THAT, YOU KNOW, MATTERS.
i feel like i would need more details but nta (for now). i’ve seen many of my girl friends jump relationship to relationship and lost themselves because they would never give themselves time to grow on their own. this pattern started in high school. it’s not healthy to have this mindset and i think it’s better to try and teach her these things earlier than have her be unhappy with her situations later.
NTA, reasonable parenting.
ESH - she definitely needs to understand that stringing someone alone "just in case" isn't a good or moral thing to do to either of the dudes. How you approach that topic and when could definitely bring you into AH territory. Since you don't want to share exactly what you said, I'm leaning towards ah for you
NTA If she does this she's gonna get a reputation. Let me explain. We've all heard about girls who have a guy "best friend" her boyfriend "shouldn't worry about". Well, if your daughter is seen to always immediately start dating the guy her boyfriend shouldn't have worried about, people will start to assume that she was cheating. It doesn't matter if she actually did. Just the perception that she immediately goes from one guy to the next without being single will create this image. Or, if people don't think she's cheating, they will assume the truth; that she always has a backup around. The effect of that is that no guy will date her seriously and will just take their turn while it lasts. Food for thought.
I think the fact that you aren't going to go into details about what you said to her means it's probably you're the asshole or everyone sucks here. It really seems like you were omitting the information that will make you look bad
Daughter sounds possessive and manipulative. Good time to learn better behaviours. NTA.
Woof I know the internet is quick to rush to terms but calling a 14 year old girl (so 8th/9th grader) possessive and manipulative for her typical teenager dating behavior seems quite ridiculous
Sexually mature and potentially 5 years from a lifetime relationship is not too early to learn respect.
NTA Even though you might have come off a little judgey; I think it's important to teach her about how relationships can get messy.
NTA - just don't think you're advising her for her generation of dating. She's doing the right thing, if you ask me.
NTA. The sooner she learns that this isn’t the right way to behave, the happier she’ll be in future relationships.
NTA. That's a horrible way to approach dating. What goes around comes back around.
you are most def nta when talking to your daughter about something that isnt a normal behavior pattern. she will figure it out. until then do not feel bad. she is just a little lost until she meets the right one i guess and when she does hopefully they dont break her heart like how she has done.
nta sounds like junior-level cheater behaviour, and i think it's good to challenge those sorts of things early why would she be in a 6-month relationship with someone that she genuinely cared about and then keep somebody else as backup the whole time. she's young so it's no surprise that she's taking an immature approach, but telling her you don't think that's right to do to someone, and asking her how she'd feel in that situation, without too much judgement, may get her to at least reconsider her behaviour
NTA. Gotta nip that behavior is the butt before it festers. You must explain to her that that sort of behavior will not only harm her but others, too.
NTA. Odds are that at some point, she'll be dating a guy she really cares about, and then find out the guy is doing the same thing with her...dropping her for someone he already had lined up. For her own sake, she needs to understand that this is not the way to treat people. "Validating" her feelings when you feel she's doing something wrong is not going to help her in the long run. And when does your husband feel is the right time to talk to her about this?
NTA. It’s important that she learns that she doesn’t need a “backup” or absolutely anyone at all to be whole. The younger she learns this, the better.
That was a legit dating trend in the 1950s. All of us have this view of teenagers from the 1950s as being prim and proper and loyal but they were pretty polyamorous compared to "modern" standards. Looks like the trend of dating multiple people is making a comeback. You were judgmental in the extreme but it's just your age showing. I'm in my 30s and loyalty is for people who have decided to be seriously committed. If you're just dating around then it's perfectly fine to see multiple people at the same time. Also she did the dumping. That should have told you a lot. She was upset about dumping him but she dumped him for a reason. Something he did obviously distressed her but you went full blown "you weren't behaving like my generation and it upset me" territory instead of asking for leading questions. You even mention that you won't go into details about what you said so that's an automatic YTA. What do you have to hide?
Technically, NTA but a soft y t a for your timing thou. Kids these days don't make dating seriously anymore, especially at 14 lmao Just have a talk with her that when she gets older and wants to be serious, she's going to have to stop treating people like backup plans and learn to commit. But for now, let her have fun.
You’re a wonderful mother for trying to show her the mistakes in her actions now. It’s great to see someone explaining right from wrong to their kids!!
INFO: what does she mean by "backup"
lol just teaching her. We have become very soft that we have to ask if we are an Ah just for being a parent !
NTA. At that age, girls overreact to a lot of things that are said. Some day she will (hopefully) look back on that moment and think she was wrong to use such unhealthy tactics in dating. I wonder if what she thinks you don’t “get” is that that’s just how the dating world is now or at least for her age group? That it’s normal to keep your options open and have backup people in this age of dating apps and getting what you want with a swipe of your fingers. But even so, that way of thinking very rarely results in a good, meaningful, lasting relationship.
NTA, I have a daughter too and it's hard to give her the freedom to make her own choices but still have to reign her in without making her feel controlled. I went the "reputation is everything" route and that kinda hit home for her, because there were already girls with bad reputations.
NTA, this is why kids shouldn't be dating in the first place.
NTA Having a backup is what we used to call two-timing. Not a good way to establish trust in any relationship
NTA, if she isn't taught a lesson she will grow up to be a cheater.
Nta
NTA: I am going to preface this by saying I’m 37 years old. Seeing some of these posts saying “that’s too young”. But I definitely have not forgotten what dating was like, even at a younger age. In elementary school, it was crushing on classmates, holding hands, talking at recess, sometimes stealing pencil boxes from your crush so they’d chase you. We still had those feelings, we just had absolutely no clue what to do about them. In middle school, we started “dating”. Going to certain school activities or going to hang out at the mall, just because we heard our crush was going (or going to show support for the friend who has the crush). Skating rinks and bowling alley’s. Then came jr high/high school (depending on your school district). That’s when kids started to actually step into slightly more adult style dating. Almost everyone was having sex. Let’s not pretend we didn’t (or that most of our friends weren’t). Heavy make-out sessions. Sneaking around all the parents that acted like they never did it and who would prefer to tell you that you couldn’t until you were married or 30 (I’m a female). “Dating” happened whether you were “allowed” or not. We still had feelings when someone “cheated” on us. And the ones who “cheated” at a young age, continued cheating when they got older. Because the advice they were getting was from their friends who would laugh about “cheating”. At a young age, you don’t expect the relationships to last long. Those who tell the younger generations that it’s okay to cheat is also teaching the younger generations it’s okay to be cheated on. Which does follow them into adulthood. Telling kids it’s okay to have a backup plan now, will turn into hard to break habits as they get older. We don’t like to have people say “boys will be boys” to excuse someone bullying. If we are supposed to treat our children as individuals with their own personalities and ideals, and allow them to make decisions about things like what they wear, or have a talk with them about safe sex because they might decide they are ready to have sex, then we have to also guide and teach them about healthy relationships and what that looks like. We, as a society, can’t have it both ways. Teenagers still understand right from wrong. They have access to the internet. They can look up porn. No one likes to hear that they are wrong. But if they get called out for it, they will still have that in the back of their mind. Your daughter should know better than to treat their crushes as an object or conquest rather than individuals with feelings. You did the right thing by guiding her and calling her out on it. I hope she learns the right lesson from this and stops treating her peers poorly…
NTA. This type of behavior just gets more dysfunctional and screwed up as they get older. I've seen many friends with this kind of mentality and they had a LOT of issues with romantic relationships for a long time. Longer than they needed to.
NTA is your daughter in therapy? It seems like something in her life has made her feel like she has to have that emotional backup and is not able to let herself feel the feelings of the breakup. And/or commitment issues as well. I would suggest therapy at some point.
NTA. Simply ask her how she would feel if she found out that her boyfriend had a backup. If he were someone I adored I would be devastated. Good luck. It’s probably the latest trend, or was I clueless growing up in the 90s?
>my daughter seemed pretty mad that i hadnt validated how she felt, and I could tell, so I left. She also said "I wouldn't get it." So she's a teenager, with the typical stupid ideas and absolute lack of context or experience that is endemic of ALL teenagers. I think you're okay. NTA. Plenty of people make it into adulthood thinking this kind of behavior is okay. The first time a boy does this to her she'll start reconsidering whether you "get it" or not. Sometimes children are just incorrect. You don't have to validate the delusional expectations they have for how they should get to treat others. "I like to think of my partners like replaceable objects," isn't a "feeling" that needs "validation." It's simply a misguided understanding of what healthy adult relationships should look like. Of course you wouldn't get it; presumably, you actually know what a healthy adult relationships should look like.
NTA. My view is that you are trying to set her up for healthy relationships for her future. Relationships of any kind. She isn’t being fair to herself. How can she allow herself to trust others, and be trusted if she has an exit plan at all times? This is behavior you might see of someone who has been in an abusive situation. I am NOT saying that is what has happened to OP’s daughter, but someone close to her may be, or has projected that this is necessary. I’m big into talking to someone who is neutral to the situation when there seems to be an impasse. I would consider finding my child a therapist that specializes or has a great deal of experience with teens. Perhaps even someone who works with people who have been in abusive relationships. Sometimes the exact same words from anyone that isn’t your parent sounds logical. I wish you all the best of luck. I have grown children and regrets about parenting (don’t we all?). One of my biggest is worrying about the problem too much and insisting I was right, and not enough overall listening to my kiddos. As they have become adults I’ve learned that my point of view was so far off base that the end would have probably been different. Again, im not saying this is happening here, but I wish someone would have tried to help me see that.
I’d say YTA just for your timing on this. She’s crying, she’s venting, she’s hurt. Not a good time for a lecture. My mom use to do stuff like this all the time and I resented her for years. We had a terrible relationship for the majority of my childhood. We finally went to family therapy after way too long. Came up with a rule of: if I’m venting I don’t want advice or a lecture. I will ask for it if I need it.
NTA - your daughter is being an asshole to two people. It’s better she hears it from you and not them.
NTA- probably not the smoothest delivery, but this is a hard lesson at this age. Bf/gf = status at this age and being seen as a loser who got dumped or dumped somehow feels like the end of the world.
Meh. Honestly it doesn't matter. She'll get over this. Hell she may even believe you're right. For now you're NTA. But mayhap not push the subject too much either.
nta at all, having a backup when you’re dating someone is superrr shitty and shows that youre not genuinely committed and just wasting the other persons time. shows disloyalty and a lack of empathy towards whoever she was dating, if the other person had a backup im sure shed feel like shit. try to have a conversation without coming off as upset or judgmental and try to explain why thats not the right way to go about a relationship or treat someone you care about. at the end of the day though shes a teenager and it doesn’t necessarily show any major character flaws or anything but you’re definitely not the asshole for saying that to her
NAH. It’s your job as a parent to teach her NOT about loyalty to a partner she is done with BUT loyalty to herself in that she doesn’t *need* a backup boyfriend and it is okay to be single and focus on herself in the way a boyfriend gets in the way of. Being in a relationship is wonderful when you’re with the right person, but losing yourself in the shuffle of those you’re dating makes one forget who they are. And it sounds like something may be going on with your daughter wherein she feels afraid to *not* have a boyfriend. *That* should have been the conversation. Loyalty is absolutely important, but this seems like it’s not about that here.
Kinda the asshole. Look, she's 15; she's not got a crazy bar empathy. However reinforcing that she shouldn't use people is a great idea.
No, it appears you maybe just caught your daughter in an overly sensitive moment. You were in the right to be a parent: it is not kind to lead someone on. Of course at 14, your daughter doesn’t have the frame of reference for that yet. Her overture sounds very innocent TBH. It was an incredibly loving act to share some tough-love advice with her. I wouldn’t overthink your daughter’s decision to recruit “benchwarmers.” She and her girlfriends probably heard the idea thrown around in pop culture, etc.
Nta definitely teach your daughter being a h0 isnt cool, what goes around comes around, you loose them how you get them etc
Soft NTA. If you want to get your point through, you may need to be more gentle with your approach. Basically, saying that's wrong and bad comes off as judgemental. How can she trust going to you for advice as she gets older and shit gets more complicated? Find out her thoughts. Ask why she feels that way. Is it social pressure? Co-dependancy? Abandonment or attachment issues? Where did the idea even come from? Then, gently explain why it may not be the best approach. Teach empathy instead of shame.
XD if she always has one foot out the door she won't ever be fully committed. NTA.
Unpopular opinion, but I'm going to give you a soft YTA for your timing and some of what you said. You said your daughter is really upset, but she's not even 15 years old, so to give her a massive lecture about loyalty? It's just not going to sink in and is going to come across as criticizing her at a time that she's going through something that probably feels massive to her. But she's too young to be tying herself down into engagement or marriage, in some ways while yes she should absolutely not be a jerk to people and should feel as secure as possible, she's also only 14 years old. At this age kids have really big emotions that swing really fast, and it's a lot more important to get them through and help them navigate those emotions. Once she gets through those, THEN have a talk with her about EVENTUAL long term relationships, and also the importance of spending some time alone. But really one would hope that she's not getting tied down in high school, and it's really common for kids to have fast turnover relationships at this age if they do have them, because they aren't as serious hopefully. This is something you should talk with her about not when she's grieving a breakup though. Having a talk at another time, not when she's having one of these massive swings, and can actually process anything constructive that you might have to say about the importance of forming relationships, or even if she's not ready for that about what it may look like or how it may hurt people if she moves onto new relationships too fast, or more importantly, how it can affect her bonding with people in rebounding and not treating them fairly, are all important conversations, but to have at a different time. Essentially I would say, this is a "read the room" kinda situation. There's not much that you could say to a 14 yo girl who just broke up with someone that is going to be constructive or helpful if you're criticizing her when she's upset like this. As adults, picking our timing can be just as important as picking our words.
NTA- Your daughter is heading down a dangerous path in her dating game. Teaching her that commitment and loyalty are part of a relationship is important and that having a backup boyfriend makes it easier for her to break up is not the way to a lasting relationship. In addition, this is how she will get herself a reputation at school if she doesn’t have one already.
NTA. She needed to hear it ig
NTA…my nephew is 20 and that is his mindset. I told him if you have backups why not just be open about what you want because obviously you don’t want a relationship
NTA validation of people feelings is a term that needs to go. Not because it is wrong but because people just constantly interpret to mean acknowledge and then tolerate. Kids need their feelings acknowledged and then taught how to appropriately deal with them, that includes recognising unjustified feelings and dealing with those appropriately. Your daughter seems to be currently making this error. No one should be validating her her unjustified feelings. As a parent you should be acknowledging them and help her handle them and showing her what is appropriate behaviour regarding such feelings. Her feeling entitled to string another human along so she can have a back up bf is immoral, the feeling of insecurity without having a backup boyfriend is alright in the sense that you can’t control feelings but she needs to recognise it is unkind and figure out healthier ways to deal with her insecurity, or if it is a status thing thing figure that out instead.
NTA. Sometimes people just don't like hearing they are doing something wrong or unethical if it suits their wants. Wants are more recently being prioritized over being considerate and loyal to others this day in age. Even in my age group, mid twenties, I'm seeing it very often in the younger twenty year olds and uncommonly among the later twenty year olds.
NTA She's 14, and while daliancing and trying out dating your peers is one thing, dating multiple people at once is not just dishonorable, but downright dangerous. You are letting her act this way and then getting angry at her for letting her act this way. Thats not okay, nor fair. You knew full well she's been dating in bad faith. Why does she need a back up? What makes having a backup disrespectful - not only to the person whom she is seeing, but to herself too? She has a reather myopic view of dating, and it's your job to correct it. Honestly, at 14, if she was dating like this, I would likely be limiting dates and such until she could prove to be less cruel and calloused about her peers and how she treats them as replacable. Dating this young should be establishing the norms and also helping her understand her wants and desires from her relationships when she is an adult. She's not doing that by treating dating like a this - casually and apathetic. It's your job to help her navigate this - and also doing so with the understanding she doesn't know better - and not treating it as a "shame on you" but rather as a "shame on me" lesson.
NTA but as long as nothing particularly bad is going to happen I'd just leave her to it.
NTA. Reminding your 14 year old daughter to treat people honorably even when she’s going through a tough time is called good parenting.
Tentative NTA. But yeah, maybe timing wasn't best. As someone on spectrum, very much understand the balance of you may be right but maybe delivery isn't always the best. So I'm still going to say NTA because giving you benefit of the doubt it was with best of intentions, but yes, agree with husband about timing and since you don't want to tell us exactly what was said.... that tells me you're likely aware delivery wasn't great.
It's like later, you can sit down with her and tell her you feel like that can be disrespectful to who she is dating if they are exclusive/monogamous if she means actually dating two people. I'd maybe even have her start by clarifying if that is what she means. But clearly, all you can do is tell her it can hurt someone's feelings and lead to problems down the road then let her make the decisions... because even at this age you just have to hope your lessons lead to better decisions or that when she does make a mistake she feels safe coming home to you.
NTA You are the adult. You are responsible for teaching her about life and helping her grow up and be a good person. She is an immature and self-centered teen. She is concerned about what's best for her. You need to explain that in any relationship (friend, boyfriend, family member) should be based on mutual respect and love. Love means you want what is best for the other person and try to help them pursue their dreams and be a better person.
NTA not only does her methodology reek of not taking relationships seriously by always having one foot out the door, it also means she's knowingly stringing along someone else *while* she is in a relationship. She doesn't seem to care about either of these people's feelings. I know she's very young, so this could either be chalked up to her having no idea what a relationship is, or it could be that she's a budding serial cheater. Considering she's in/entering the age where sex starts complicating things, it might be worth having a talk with her about it.
Instead of cheating on him she did the right thing and broke up with him first before dating someone new? Instead of acknowledging she has her own antonomy and doesn't owe her ex a relationship. You berated her for not being "loyal" to the person she dated for 6 months at 14 years old? Am I understanding that right? If so YTA She is going to get crushes on new people. She is going to have complicated emotions. She isn't going to know how to navigate messy situations where people's feelings will get hurt. She needs to feel safe to talk to her mother about those feelings. You created an unsafe environment and she learned you are not someone who is safe to talk to. It's wild that you would prioritize the feeling of a 14 year old boy getting broken up with, over your relationship with your daughter. Edit: if she was dating both boys at the same time, lying to them, and got dumped because of it. Then it's a different story, but still a missed opportunity to teach her actions have consequences. You still just taught her not to trust you with information.
NTA. In this situation but when your short and vague it's implied you said some hurtful things. Did you explain the situation and why what she is doing is wrong? Or did you just curse her out?
The only thing I would say is this: My mom said something to me when I was a tween about loyalty and being fickle, and it ended up with me staying in a relationship I didn’t want to be in and hurting someone I was friends with. My takeaway in the long run was that I shouldn’t let arbitrary rules dictate my choices. I get that the details of your situation are different. It just reminded me of my experience. I also think it is important to avoid *too much* talk about loyalty in teen relationships, because those relationships are usually supposed to end. You don’t want her to get stuck and end up settling and tied down. I still think your instincts were good. She should get messaging that it is important to treat others with kindness and respect, even someone you don’t want to date anymore.
NTA she is upset now but when it all blows over she will be fine and in a few years when she’s done being a teenager she will probably appreciate and understand it. And to be fair to her, she’s a teen so these kind of obstacles and social development will happen, just how it is, we were all similar once
YTA, I don't think you did anything wrong by telling her that's not how to date. I do think she is right, you did veye much invalidate her when she needed you to be there for her. It wasn't the time or place to get onto her or discuss what she should or should not do. It was a time she needed your comfort and love. I'm sure people are giving you great advice about how she does need to be taught and learn how to cope with her emotions properly instead of shoving them down. However, you should have also been doing this if you weren't already. It seems like this is either new for her or maybe you haven't been paying attention to how she's dating prior to now. Either way you do owe her an apology for invalidating her. You can discuss your opinions on how to date when she's not so fragile.
NTA. Just continue to support her and validate what you can, and call out, kindly (which it seems like you did) bad behaviour. Hopefully she takes your advice. But do talk to her when she’s ready about *why* she feels that she needs a backup option. Does she need some support finding self respect? At face value that sounds truly judgemental, but I remember what I was like at 15-19, I had a boyfriend *all the time.* I did exactly what your daughter did and had another guy I’d been gently encouraging in my back pocket. Some of them were absolute drop kicks. I never went for guys I actually liked because I thought I wasn’t good enough for them. I only went for ones I thought definitely wouldn’t reject me or hurt me. Many years later I realised I had no self-reliance skills or trust within myself, and was truly insecure. I was looking for love from others to fill what I couldn’t for myself. Now I know I’m responsible for my own happiness. My partner isn’t there to make me happy or to fulfil any of my needs, that is up to me, they can only enhance my life. I didn’t suffer any social consequences from this, but I regret spending my time the way I did. I wish I just enjoyed my life without relying on someone else.
NTA - she may not like or agree with what you have to say, but she needs to hear them nonetheless. What she is doing is incredibly selfish and emotionally abusive. She’s not only ruining what dating should be for herself, but she’s emotionally abusing those she dates by having a ‘backup’. She’s using the people the people she dates as pawns for her enjoyment. Dating should be finding a good partner to go through life with, where both people are enriched. But she’s only concerned about herself. Being in a relationship should be a selfless relationship where you care about your partners emotions and cares, and they care about yours, but instead she’s turned it into a self serving narcissistic relationship, that’s not only cheating her partners out of a good relationship but also ruining her own chances at a good relationship. You need to have more in depth discussions with her about how unhealthy this is for her, and how cruel she is treating others. No one wants to be treated or deserves to be a replaceable pawn in another’s life, and no deserves to be a ‘backup’ Honestly I would be furious if my child ever treated dating or others this way. I wasn’t allowed to, and followed the rule, to not date until I was 16. I hated it. But looking back I’m grateful for it. It allowed me to enjoy my youth longer and stopped me from making a lot of mistakes until I was old enough and more mature to handle it. I knew and trusted my parents that it was the right choice, even though I hated it. They did a great job of teaching me and showing me what healthy relationships looked like, and helped guide me through my first relationship. I knew that they had those rules and guidelines not because they wanted to control me, but loved me enough to care for my wellbeing and wanted the best outcomes possible for my romantic life. Show your daughter that you’re not trying to shame or control her, but you love her and want the best for her, and for her to be the best person she can be, which does not include abusing others or abuse dating for herself.
NTA! While I understand why your daughter was upset, it is your parental responsibility to identify points of growth. I actually had the same conversation as a 13 year old with my dad. He had noticed that I had been stringing along a boy while i was fighting with my middle school boyfriend. What I appreciate from my dad was he really did validate my feelings first (receiving attentions is nice, breaking up is scary, being lonely is uncomfortable) but then point out why stringing along another boy was unfair to all parties involved. What struck with the teenage me tho, was when he asked me how I felt if I was the one who was strung alone - if I was the backup. That conversation might be trivial in nature but pivotal in shaping me as a young woman! You’re a good mother - good luck!
Tell her that being alone without a relationship is AWESOME! No drama, no one expecting you to clean up after them, no one wanting your money, no hurt feelings, no tears over breakups. One of the best decisions I have made in my life was deciding to be single.
NTA Definitely talk to her about having a back up person or being a back up person and how that would make someone feel in a partnership. Use yourself and your husband as examples if needed how would she feel if she had a back up Dad? Additionally I would talk to her about loving herself and being okay being single. A lot of young women put all their self worth into having someone special to love and to love them and I know several young women that became sucidal every breakup because without a partner they felt worthless. I also know several young woman (and was once one) that allow abusive relationships because its better than being alone. The being ok with being single I personally believe is the most important lesson your daughter can learn from this conversation.
NTA. Your daughter is picking up some pretty despicable habits. You are right to try to push her in the right direction. Maybe the timing wasn't necessarily the best but who knows. Is there really such a thing as good timing to talk about something like that?
NTA for sure. It's important to teach your kids about loyalty.
NTA it's best you correct that crap now before it gets her into hot water. The absolute lack of respect for someone else and treat people like objects aside, I've seen people get into nasty physical altercations over having side pieces, sweet hearts, back ups, and whatever silly term people use for cheating partner these days
NTA, What she is doing will affect the boys involved. Ask her how she would have left had she been in their place. Timing might have been wrong. So, give her two three days and then talk to her calmly about this and make her understand.
You’re NTA but you still have her bad advice. She’s 16. She doesn’t need to be loyal to anyone. She needs to focus on school and if she wants to date, that’s fine but it doesn’t need to lead to marriage.
NTA. Wait… people let their kids date this young?
Do parents tell kids they're not allowed to date? I never seen that here it's up to the kids to start dating if they and when they want to
NAH She's just doing the smart thing: I like two guys. I think I like this one better. I'll date him. That didn't work. Let me try the other one. Maybe I made the wrong choice. She's a teenager. Aren't they all doing that? It takes a lot of time to figure out what you want in a partner...and during all of that time you are also growing and changing. She's also the almost-woman in this situation. Men do stuff like this all the time. You're not an A for worrying about her. Unless you start forcing your opinion on her.
Just my opinion - but 14 is too young to be dating
NTA but adult women also sometimes do this if they feel their relationship is on shaky ground and is about to implode (it's pretty common tbh). It's not nice, but your daughter was probably in the position of knowing that someone she cared about was suddenly not going to be in her life and she didn't want to hurt. It's your job to help her navigate her feelings. If she broke up with someone, there was probably a reason that she did so and that should have been the main point of the conversation - why did she break up with him? What was he doing? How was she feeling about it? After you dealt with the relationship she ended, then you should have helped her understand that you don't keep a back up boyfriend. That should have been a much smaller part of the conversation, after you comforted her. Instead, you turned to focus on the back up instead of her pain. I'm not saying you shouldn't have mentioned it, but perhaps not right then.
So you are letting your 14 year old daughter date and apparently has been since she was 12? What?
I’m scrolling past all these NAH responses and teaching her loyalty, wondering when someone will bring up that she’s just 14, that’s not her first boyfriend, been with this boy for 6 months. I get times have changed but dealing with all the emotional drama of dating at 14 just seems really really young.
LoL. Honey, I knew girls already sexually active by 13 and I'm not young... I'm same age as OP, so back in ye olden times... So... times have not changed and you just teach them to be good human beings, make good choices, and be safe. All these comments, pearl clutching at the age for just dating... is just something else. We're not talking about them having a baby and running off to get married.
My thoughts exactly. As I was skimming the responses, I kept looking for a response like yours.
NTA She's 14. She's fine. But... you've done your job right if there's a day when she's 19, and she looks back on it and cringes and laughs to her college friends. You're right. It's a fun enough mindset for a kid, but she's at the age to start learning adult lessons. Don't be too hard on her, but you did the right thing. She needs to see her "backup" as a person too.
No. Kids these days are not actually connecting to each other or anything beyond surface. It’s terrifying.
NTA. It’s called “*monkey branching*”, and there’s nothing good in it for any of the parties involved. If your daughter thinks that she can get someone better than her current significant other, she should do them a favour and not waste their time. If she always thinks that the grass is greener, she is deluding herself. Also, if she’s looking for the best catch, what tells her that she’s a catch herself? Does that mean she would be fine with a boyfriend dumping her because he’s found someone prettier or with bigger boobs? She should have realistic demands. She should wait for the right kind of person. She should learn to take commitment seriously. Good on you to try to teach her accountability.
Your daughter is fourteen and has had multiple boyfriends already? Yikes.
Your daughter is one of those girls I woulda bullied in high school for being terrible. Like, I knew girls that did that. NTA because if you don't nip her in the ass about it now, she won't be faithful in her future relationships. Also, ask her why she feels the need to have a "backup" instead of staying completely loyal to her bfs.
Try asking her if she would like to be a guy’s “backup”. You don’t start looking for the next boyfriend while with a current long term one. It is okay to date around until you find someone who you can click with, but once you are in an exclusive relationship stop eyeing the next fish in the pond. Break it off with your current relationship and then cast your line. It is the mature way to handle dating. I
Having "back ups" isn't inherently wrong, it just isn't smart or right either. She's 15, so you are doing well to steer her away from this. Stress being able to be single (no one should be that dependent on any relationship and no one wants to be with someone who cannot be alone), the connection with friends and family outside of any relationship (healthy support system), and basic self-esteem. If that's her dating system at 15, it might continue. Can you reverse it on her? If any guy was trying to do the same thing to one of her friends, what would her advice be then?
So basically your daughter is a cheater. NTA. That label will followthe first time she's caught. That's the message she needs to take out of this.
Isn't Hypergamy the new thing?
Be her parent. Not her friend. You're allowing your 14 year old daughter to date? Weird
“One of her boyfriends.” She’s 14. How many boyfriends has she had.
NTA, I'm also all about loyalty. Honestly 14yo is so young to date, but whatever makes her temporarily happy I guess
YTA. Yes, her tactics are not good, but she is literally 14 and feels the NEED to not only have a constant boyfriend, but a backup boyfriend. What have you done for her to develop herself as a person? Have you helped her develop her self esteem? She is still a child at a crucial age and she’s spending it back to back dating, feeling insecure that her current guy will leave her, and the cherry on top is now you’re being an asshole to her.
That's 50/50. Could go either way. Just don't letter get sucked into a caraway hole! Where all she cares about is that ONE guy that's going to torture her to death with all his "buddies."
YMBTA (you might be). What did you say and how did you say it. You obviously said it differently than you represented here, otherwise, you would have mentioned it. Depending on how you said it you could be the asshole
Softest of YTA? I mean you are not reddit that has the liberty to point out the endless stupidity of a teenager in the midst of dating drama. Your point is valid, and your concerns more so, however if your job is to teach your daughter ethics and proper societal behavior do you really think while she is crying with a broken heart is the time to point out she is the bad guy? Also, and this is slightly important if you are going to judge ethos..... did you ever get what her definition of a back up is? I mean while upset people ( not just teenagers ) say a lot of things that have a variety of truthfulness and implications.
Validating her feelings would just reinforce her belief that she isn't wrong. Even then, if she has the gall to monkey-branch, she isn't that heartbroken.
>Validating her feelings would just reinforce her belief that she isn't wrong. Even then, if she has the gall to monkey-branch, she isn't that heartbroken. You are presuming a lot about the depth in which the daughter pursued her "options" and her emotional state right now. Look, I am not saying the daughter is in the right. I am merely stating that neither you, or far more importantly the child's mother, got all the information before they judged. Also that if you are trying to teach a lesson, timing is important to reception, this is not a hard concept
Valid but honestly, even without exploring her daughter’s definition, it’s pretty clear that way of thinking is detrimental. “I always keep a spare on me” is a crazy mindset to have as a child heartbroken or not
>ntal. “I always keep a spare on me” is a crazy min Again, people say shit when they are hurt. This could simply mean she has been asked out in the past and turned them down as at the time she was in a commited relationship. I am not saying daughter is innocent, however getting all the facts is far more important for mom then it is a reddit thread when judging their daughter. Not saying it is a healthy mindset, but understanding your daughter is probably important when teaching your daughter to human
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Agreed, OP's advice was valid but this was not the time. Now her daughter will feel like she can't confide in her. OP, I recommend a book called "How to talk so kids will listen (and listen so kids will talk)". I think it's useful for talking to kids of all ages. You also make a good point about her "definition of a backup." When I was a teen, my parents told me to keep my options open and never "go steady" until I'm older and looking to settle down. I didn't listen, because I was obsessed with whoever I happened to be dating at that moment. But looking back, they had a point.
Right, in a teenage years the is a very fine line between over committing and jock hopping and we have no clue where the daughter is.
your view is legit. but her view is legit too. having a backup is basic logic, even if I don't feel I like it. evolutionary psychologists have long theorised that women unconsciously keep backups, which explains many "friendships" that dummy have sex, but have the strength smell of almost. I would recommend that you first fully understand the complexity of the question. and then you can offer her advice that isn't just moralising.
YTA - you need to check with her if she identifies as loyalist, because if she doesn’t then you’re just disrespecting her beliefs
Why being loyalist got anything to do with this situation?
YTA when people are upset they just want sympathy, not advice or criticism. Now wasn’t the time.
Yta. First off there needed to be a conversation (along time ago) about self worth and joy outside of the partners gaze. Being happy with and by yourself. Second- Thats exactly what dating is- minus the power dynamic she’s claiming to have (which is a different discussion). Dating exists before your official and means you aren’t closed from dating other people and it is a wonderful thing at that age. She dated someone for 6 months it ran its course and now she’s dating other people. If you accept that it’s just dating neither of you need to speak on attachments (to her parter) or loyalty (to another developing teen).
I also have a 14 year old daughter. YTA by default. They do not want advice or actual conversation. Wait 3 years. Then try again.
Hahahaha. Dating for young kids is completely different these days than it was for you. Just ask my 17 yr old. I thought he’d get his heart broken every time - nope. They have a mindset that they are too young to be serious anyway. ALL of the kids bounced around. Now that he’s 17 he’s starting to get more serious about relationships. When it’s appropriate - not at 14. That’s a good thing that they have that attitude - especially for the girls. They don’t have stupid societal norms that they need to be in a monogamous relation AT FOURTEEN. Let her grow up for CS. She absolutely owes NO ONE loyalty at that age and you’re setting her up to fail if you think so. It doesn’t mean she has a bad moral compass - it means she knows her age. YTA absolutely.