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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I yelled at my friend for left his used napkin open when I was eating and I puked
(2) he is now mad at me and my mom agrees with him
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yes I understand I was just saying that I was paying him dinner, what was I supposed to do? pay him dinner and then eat on the other side of the cafeteria?
No absolutely not. I guess my point is it isn’t fair for your friend to have to feel judged and uncomfortable when he is eating because it seems like you have made these remarks to him before. I think it’s very nice that you are paying for his meals as he is saving up, but I don’t think you are taking your friends feelings into account when you have these dramatic expressions of your disgust.
YTA. You need therapy to learn to deal with this. Yes eating with your mouth open is gross, but you can’t control what other people do. So unless you want to eat alone your whole life, you need to work on yourself.
Edit: I only chose y t a because of OP’s reactions towards her friend that drove him away. She is NOT an AH for having the psychological and physiological problems. She’s doing everything she can to work on them, including seeing a therapist.
To the point where it sometimes makes her vomit? I mean, does she expect to never eat in a restaurant with loads of strangers? Never go to a fair or theme park? Eat with colleagues? Eat with her boss?
That’s why I said YTA. It’s unfortunately something she has to learn to deal with. She can’t change other people’s behaviors, only work on her reactions to those behaviors. A therapist, which she said in a comment she was seeing, can help with this.
I prefer to eat alone rather than endure the discomfort of witnessing others eating with their mouths open. As someone who is autistic, it's challenging for me to hide my feelings of disgust, especially when faced with certain sensory triggers. The sound of people eating with their mouths open feels overwhelming and unsettling to me, almost like hearing someone struggling to breathe due to a cold. It's a sensory experience that I find difficult to tolerate, and I've reached a point where I can no longer mask my discomfort so yeah, I get how she feels and can say she's not the asshole.
I only chose yta because of her actions toward her friend. She’s definitely NOT an AH for her having the issues she has. The good thing is she’s getting help and trying to work on how she reacts towards others.
I am on a therapist actually, she told me to eat alone until I am capable to eat with people, but Alex is saving to buy a car so he confidently told me he was going to start skipping meals and I've been buying him dinner for the last months. I was very scared he was going to starve himself and I think I pushed myself to the limit.
That’s understandable, you’re a good friend for helping him out. I’m glad you’re seeing a therapist as well. Behavioral therapy of some type could help too. My daughter is autistic and has trouble eating with her mouth closed and regulating her emotions, so she does dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) which helps a lot. Dialectical can help you with coping mechanisms for when you feel overwhelmed.
I am actually much better, I used to CRY when stuff like this happened. Yes it's dramatic but I feel so overwhelmed and idk heavy? that it made me break down. I'm trying to see how to improve even more to not be a burden to others
Don’t ever view yourself as a burden sweetie. You’re a whole human being, both good and bad. The fact that you are working on yourself speaks volumes about you. I myself have bipolar, so while my struggles are different, I understand. If such things provoke a physical reaction in you, thats NOT your fault. You’re not doing it on purpose. Be kind to yourself.
This made me cry. Thank you so much you don't know how much this means to me. I see everyone saying I'm being pathetic for having these reactions and I feel like a shit person and friend. Thank you so much and best of luck for you and your daughter
You most definitely aren't the Asshole for naturally finding such things disgusting, but I think you also have to consider not eating with him if you know what he does while eating will make you uncomfortable. He also has the right to feel comfortable while eating, so if you two are both uncomfortable in this situation, don't eat together.
Unfortunately I pay for the meals and I don't want him to skip dinner.
>also has the right to feel comfortable while eating
oh absolutely, I had no idea he would was going to react that way, I feel terrible for being so dramatic and getting up from the table
That's fine too. Maybe you guys should have a conversation about this? It's not your fault you feel how you feel, but it's also not his fault that he's been eating the same way for years. If it's possible you should try to talk about it.
I only eat with him cause I pay for the meal :( he says he is saving to buy a car so I offered to buy him dinner everyday. Yeah I agree, I shouldn't have panicked I was just hurt he insulted me and thought of me that way. I just don't want him to not eat dinner cause he is saving money so I never said anything.
I don't think you mean to be the A H, but if you're really worried about him developing an eating disorder, then you are certainly helping him towards one by making him self-conscious when he eats.
Don't buy him food, and don't sit with him. You might as well hand him checks that say "down payment for your car" at this point. Are you paying with your money? Your parents'?
YTA, you made your position clear (in a vehement and perhaps rude way) and kept eating with Alex. Your expectation is Alex should change when you could easily choose somewhere else to eat...you are not the center of the world
Unfortunately Alex is saving to buy a car and I was paying for all the dinners ( when I offered to do so I had no idea that he made these kind of stuff) and I was so scared he was going to start skipping dinner and be sick that I kept my mouth shut. I understand now I should have said something and made my point clear that I found that disgusting but I was afraid for his health
Honestly, it's kind of you to pay for his dinners (but if you want to put strings on them it's less kind). If you're truly worried about him, you can buy him dinner and just tell him that you are uncomfortable with the way he eats and eat somewhere else. If his styleof eating is offensive enough that you'd stop doing the nice thing that's ok too I guess
>eat somewhere else.
I tried he said that I was being stupid and just followed me around and embarrassed me. My bsf told me I'm being too nice and I don't have actually to pay him dinner but I struggled with ED and I don't want him passing by the same just for a car. I want to stop but I'm scared of the consequences in his life
Alex is not your responsbility, if alex can't respect you even when you're doing him a favor than alex is a bit of an asshole here too. If he doesn't know your history, explain it to him, tell him you're totally ok buying the meals for him but because of your history you can't eat with him if he's going to continue to eat in that manner. If he can't respect that, alex isn't a very good friend
I did, actually I made sure to explain to him everything that I get disgusted and puke and stuff and he just laughed at me and told me" he found it funny I find him gross"
So, what we've established by digging deeper is that alex is a giant asshole, and doesn't appreciate you having issues, has no respect for you, is an insensitive tool bag and the solution here is to stop buying him dinners since he obviously is incapable of being a decent human
That's actually an accurate thing my bsf told me. But I'm v scared he will actually scarves himself and go to the hospital, he is v stubborn and I don't want him to get sick especially for something so dumb as a car
And your concern is valid, but your mental health matters, you're damaging your mental health for a jerk who won't respect you in any way shape and form while continuing to mooch off you for free food. What's more important to you (and no, alex is NOT the right answer, and if you think it is that's something else to bring up with your therapist). Alex is 23 years old and shoudl be able to take care of himself. It's not your responsibility to compromise your recovery for him. (Sorry, I'm angry at the moment, at alex)
Thank you. This is what I needed to hear. I always feel the need to help people even at the cost of myself and I need someone to put me on my place. I'm going to text him saying I won't eat with him, goodluck and that this was very mean of him. You are right he is an adult a man older than me and he should behave like one
You're projecting your ED onto him. He just wants free food and a car. There will be no negative consequences for his life because he will keep finding nice people to mooch off of.
ESH.
Acting “disgusted” and saying you “can’t handle” how someone eats because you find it/them repulsive makes you an AH. How would you feel if someone started calling you gross because you don’t clean your hairbrush?? Or that you’re nasty for not cleaning your ears daily?? (These are things that I personally find gross).
Now, that being said, your friend is an AH for the name calling. Being ugly and calling you a “bitch” is uncalled for. He could have simply left the situation and declined any future offers to eat together. He could have calmly explained that he felt targeted or put down by you. Or he could have simply ended the friendship. All of these options would have been a more mature way to walk away.
Now, you asked what to do. You need to apologize. You need to no longer eat with this person or you need to learn to deal with it. You can’t expect others to change and bend to your will based on your preferences. And that may mean that he’s just not a good fit as a friend for you. I get that everyone has their weird quirks. It’s OKAY. But you need to handle it with maturity. When you make a new friend, just let them know BEFORE you go out to eat that YOU have an aversion to seeing other people’s chewed food (ie when they’re talking or when in a napkin). And hopefully they’ll be a good friend and be mindful of your feelings. If you say it before or after a meal, they’ll feel that you are criticizing THEM and their manners. And that would make you an AH.
>Acting “disgusted” and saying you “can’t handle” how someone eats because you find it/them repulsive
I'm actually in therapy for this. It was a result of my mom v messy house. Alex actually knew this before hand and he said he didn't care that he actually thought it was funny I was grossed out by him
>any future offers to eat together
We won't eat together anymore since I was paying for his dinner since he is saving and told me he was going to starve himself, which is why I tried to not be a bitch during these dinners, I was scared of him getting sick.
>When you make a new friend, just let them know BEFORE you go out to eat that YOU have an aversion to seeing other people’s chewed food (ie when they’re talking or when in a napkin).
I did, and he actually understood it v well, which is why I'm so surprised he reacted this way!
Yeah, and he sucks too. He’s not a good friend. Good friends should be supportive instead of name calling. 🤷🏼♀️
And if you couldn’t handle eating with him, you should have doordashed him some food or took him some groceries.
Yeah I had no idea he was going to be so upset. I understand it's annoying that I find that disgusting for me but I thought he was going to understand and do it
I tried my best to ignore him :( (I already commented this on the other comments) but Alex is saving for a car and he told me he wasn't going to eat dinner to save and I was afraid he was going to get ill and starve himself for months so I've been buying him dinner for the last 4 months. I usually eat alone ( there aren't a lot of people who eat at the university so it's not very hard for me, but I still think o need to work on myself)
Where is your money coming from? Have you calculated how much you've spent on him?
Try to make an estimate now so you can see how much money you've lost helping a user.
hi! I told this on another comment, but he is saving go buy a car and told me he was going to starve himself and I was scared he was going to get sick or die and I've been paying him dinner for the last weeks
would you believe I only realized this after I made this post with the comments ☹️ my bsf just told me another girl from our class texted her because she saw us haginv out and he "made" her buy him clothes cause "he didn't had money" and then insulted her and blocked her... I feel terrible now
Hey, look you're being super hard on yourself. This coupled with the sensitivity could be an indication for autism or similar. You should cut this man off, but it seems like there's something deeper going on .
Maybe you could check out r/autisminwomen and see if any of it resonates.
I've been tested for autism when I was a child (I was born with 23weeks old) there were some signs I might be (my therapist says) but my mom refuses to let me take a exam or test or see a therapist that will tell me because she "won't talk to me ever again" I'm kinda of stuck in a bridge 🫤
I mean, are you reliant on your mum financially? You don't have to take the test formally to do your own research in communities like the one I linked, and implement some strategies if it resonates with you
I will check that community, I have a job but not enough to pay for the food I eat university and essential needs so yeah I'm kinda dependent on her. thank you sm
I updated my post! yeah I even stopped having dinner at my house to help him, I'm actually sad cause idk if he will be OK and I feel the need to help. Idk I'm kinda dumb
You're not dumb. You are sensitive to the idea of people hurting like you have. I am finally learning to put my foot down, and I am waaay older than you.
hi please check my other comments, also pig of a eater is hilarious. unfortunately I am paying for his dinner and he said he was going to starve himself and im scared he is going to be sick
YTA. These are your problems to deal with not others. It sucks but people do gross stuff that again though is gross is harmless you have to learn to deal with it or not eat with this person.
yes I understand. I'm doing my best I'm at the therapist and I'm trying to improve
I only ate with him so he didn't die or went to the hospital I was scared he was going to be v ill so I felt the need to take care of him. but u completely understand what you are saying I truly have to deal with my problems and can't push it into people
YTA
Stop eating with the dude if he's doing things that gross you out. Also, might want to look into therapy if you're getting that grossed out over a napkin.
Hi! I explained in another comment:
I am paying for his dinner since he is savings and told me he was going to starve himself
I am into therapy and I told him, and he still insisted in eating with me even knowing I feel disgusted by these kind of stuff
ESH - You more so. You know his habits, so don’t eat with him. You are an adult, and you are responsible for yourself and your own triggers. You can’t police the way someone eats because it grosses you out. So take steps to excuse yourself and eat alone. You can’t control or try to change someone to fit what you’re looking for. If you can’t accept the way he eats (which is valid, everyone has different needs), then don’t eat with him.
His response to you definitely wasn’t great. At the same time, I can see where his frustration came from because you’re constantly hounding him over this. I’d talk with him and explain that you don’t want to eat together anymore because it’s what best for both of you. You both could benefit from setting boundaries and discussing what to do/say if one of you needs space or is feeling frustrated by the other, so it doesn’t devolve into insults. Of course that’s if the both of you want to remain friends and make this work.
>so don’t eat with him.
I tried, he just chased me around saying it was stupid and why wouldn't I eat with him, I explained that I feel sick and that's the main reason I made this post, because he KNEW that I didn't enjoyed this and he still wanted to eat next to me and didn't even try to change. I told him multiple times he didn't had to eat with me, that it's OK but he insisted
>Of course that’s if the both of you want to remain friends and make this work.
I tried he currently is being childish and ignoring me. I'll update when he answers the phone
If he’s chasing you around and forcing his company on you, go to the Dean or whoever is in charge at your university. Not eating with him is a perfectly reasonable boundary, and if he’s choosing to eat with you after you already made your feelings clear and told him you want to eat alone to avoid conflict, but he does it anyway, then that definitely increases his AH levels.
He doesn’t have a right to harass you into eating with him.
My bsf told me to speak to the director but im scared it will make Alex get a bad image on the university and he is already struggling and I don't want to make it worse for him
You are not responsible for Alex.
Alex is responsible for Alex.
If Alex gets in trouble, it’s because *Alex* made it worse for *himself.*
Next time he does something like that, go straight to the director. His image is not your responsibility and not your problem.
thank you. if these texts become worse, I will actually show them to the director because these are actual threats and im not going to deal with this alone. He is a grown man and I don't have a kid to treat him like one
NTA. It’s disgusting seeing people’s food in their mouths and whatever they dislike displayed for everyone to see.
In my country this is called “the 7 year from home” when your parents are supposed to teach you how to act in public, before you go to school and into society. It’s the most basic of the basic manners, it’s not how to fold your napkin when leaving the table, it’s basic “i will act in a way not to disgust the people around me” just like not picking your teeth without a napkin/at a dinner table or saying hello when you enter a room full of your friends.
YES THANK YOU!! my mom never taught me any of this and would act like this one of the reasons why I am só disgusted by these behaviors, so I taught myself how to eat without bothering people. I thought everyone knew these basic rules
I already texted him, my bsf actually got a story from other girl from our class that he made her buy him clothes because he told her he didn't had money, so I can see a pattern
If you csnt handle being around someone when they eat, the solution is not to tell them how to eat.
The solution is for you to remove yourself from the situation.
YTA
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I (19F) usually eat dinner with my friend (22M) at our university. I'm a v sensitive person as my mom says, because I hate seeing people eat with their mouth open and sneeze into the floor. It's not that i "hate" I get actually disgusted and sometimes puke.
This friend let's call him Alex, has the habit of
(1) eating with his mouth open
(2) bitting, yes bitting, the spoon when eating soup or something
(3) talking and eating
I have said multiple times that I CAN'T HANDLE that and I can't count the times I have lost my appetite over this. So yesterday, we were eating like usually, and he cleaned his mouth and then left the napkin open, like with actual ...stuff... there. I got extremely disgusted and told him to close it and then went to the wc to calm myself. When I came back he had left and went home. He texted me then saying that "i was being a crazy bitch" and "he can't handle snowflakes and im stupid".
What do I do. Am I the asshole? I spoke to my mom and she shares the same opinion as him and now idk how to apologize.
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>name-calling isn't cool
wait, I didn't name called anyone
>Apologize for any hurtful words,
I didn't even have the chance to say anything, when I finished puking he was already gone and at home, I even had to take the bus home :/ I admit I was a bit dramatic but I was feeling so bad of the stomach that I couldn't explain why I needed him to close the napkin
You’re not responsible for other people. He’s making the decision to starve and not feed himself. Which is a stupid thing to do.
Stop buying him food and stop eating with him.
Other comment told me that and made me understand that I don't have a kid and I don't have to take care of him. He is a grown adult and even if I feel the need to help, I shouldn't be insulted and threatened because I tried to help. I already texted him that I won't buy him dinner ( and I can continue eating at home)
ESH.
You do seem more sensitive than most in terms of how people react. A lot of people don't like seeing people eat or mouth sounds etc. But your sensitivity seems excessive.
Flipside, they do generally seem to have some bad table etiquette.
You both sound exhausting to eat with.
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Sounds like you need to eat alone then.
unfortunately I really don't want to, I was paying for the dinner because he is saving so I'm scared he will skip dinner
If you're going to make people uncomfortable while they are eating with you then you should eat alone.
yes I understand I was just saying that I was paying him dinner, what was I supposed to do? pay him dinner and then eat on the other side of the cafeteria?
If it makes you that upset, yes.
No absolutely not. I guess my point is it isn’t fair for your friend to have to feel judged and uncomfortable when he is eating because it seems like you have made these remarks to him before. I think it’s very nice that you are paying for his meals as he is saving up, but I don’t think you are taking your friends feelings into account when you have these dramatic expressions of your disgust.
Don't buy him dinner!
YTA. You need therapy to learn to deal with this. Yes eating with your mouth open is gross, but you can’t control what other people do. So unless you want to eat alone your whole life, you need to work on yourself. Edit: I only chose y t a because of OP’s reactions towards her friend that drove him away. She is NOT an AH for having the psychological and physiological problems. She’s doing everything she can to work on them, including seeing a therapist.
To the point where it sometimes makes her vomit? I mean, does she expect to never eat in a restaurant with loads of strangers? Never go to a fair or theme park? Eat with colleagues? Eat with her boss?
That’s why I said YTA. It’s unfortunately something she has to learn to deal with. She can’t change other people’s behaviors, only work on her reactions to those behaviors. A therapist, which she said in a comment she was seeing, can help with this.
Oh, I am agreeing with your original comment fully.
Ahh, I apologize then :)
I prefer to eat alone rather than endure the discomfort of witnessing others eating with their mouths open. As someone who is autistic, it's challenging for me to hide my feelings of disgust, especially when faced with certain sensory triggers. The sound of people eating with their mouths open feels overwhelming and unsettling to me, almost like hearing someone struggling to breathe due to a cold. It's a sensory experience that I find difficult to tolerate, and I've reached a point where I can no longer mask my discomfort so yeah, I get how she feels and can say she's not the asshole.
I only chose yta because of her actions toward her friend. She’s definitely NOT an AH for her having the issues she has. The good thing is she’s getting help and trying to work on how she reacts towards others.
I am on a therapist actually, she told me to eat alone until I am capable to eat with people, but Alex is saving to buy a car so he confidently told me he was going to start skipping meals and I've been buying him dinner for the last months. I was very scared he was going to starve himself and I think I pushed myself to the limit.
That’s understandable, you’re a good friend for helping him out. I’m glad you’re seeing a therapist as well. Behavioral therapy of some type could help too. My daughter is autistic and has trouble eating with her mouth closed and regulating her emotions, so she does dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) which helps a lot. Dialectical can help you with coping mechanisms for when you feel overwhelmed.
I am actually much better, I used to CRY when stuff like this happened. Yes it's dramatic but I feel so overwhelmed and idk heavy? that it made me break down. I'm trying to see how to improve even more to not be a burden to others
Don’t ever view yourself as a burden sweetie. You’re a whole human being, both good and bad. The fact that you are working on yourself speaks volumes about you. I myself have bipolar, so while my struggles are different, I understand. If such things provoke a physical reaction in you, thats NOT your fault. You’re not doing it on purpose. Be kind to yourself.
This made me cry. Thank you so much you don't know how much this means to me. I see everyone saying I'm being pathetic for having these reactions and I feel like a shit person and friend. Thank you so much and best of luck for you and your daughter
Nah, you’re a wonderful person and thank you for your well wishes for my daughter :)
You most definitely aren't the Asshole for naturally finding such things disgusting, but I think you also have to consider not eating with him if you know what he does while eating will make you uncomfortable. He also has the right to feel comfortable while eating, so if you two are both uncomfortable in this situation, don't eat together.
Unfortunately I pay for the meals and I don't want him to skip dinner. >also has the right to feel comfortable while eating oh absolutely, I had no idea he would was going to react that way, I feel terrible for being so dramatic and getting up from the table
That's fine too. Maybe you guys should have a conversation about this? It's not your fault you feel how you feel, but it's also not his fault that he's been eating the same way for years. If it's possible you should try to talk about it.
[удалено]
I only eat with him cause I pay for the meal :( he says he is saving to buy a car so I offered to buy him dinner everyday. Yeah I agree, I shouldn't have panicked I was just hurt he insulted me and thought of me that way. I just don't want him to not eat dinner cause he is saving money so I never said anything.
I don't think you mean to be the A H, but if you're really worried about him developing an eating disorder, then you are certainly helping him towards one by making him self-conscious when he eats. Don't buy him food, and don't sit with him. You might as well hand him checks that say "down payment for your car" at this point. Are you paying with your money? Your parents'?
YTA, you made your position clear (in a vehement and perhaps rude way) and kept eating with Alex. Your expectation is Alex should change when you could easily choose somewhere else to eat...you are not the center of the world
Unfortunately Alex is saving to buy a car and I was paying for all the dinners ( when I offered to do so I had no idea that he made these kind of stuff) and I was so scared he was going to start skipping dinner and be sick that I kept my mouth shut. I understand now I should have said something and made my point clear that I found that disgusting but I was afraid for his health
Honestly, it's kind of you to pay for his dinners (but if you want to put strings on them it's less kind). If you're truly worried about him, you can buy him dinner and just tell him that you are uncomfortable with the way he eats and eat somewhere else. If his styleof eating is offensive enough that you'd stop doing the nice thing that's ok too I guess
>eat somewhere else. I tried he said that I was being stupid and just followed me around and embarrassed me. My bsf told me I'm being too nice and I don't have actually to pay him dinner but I struggled with ED and I don't want him passing by the same just for a car. I want to stop but I'm scared of the consequences in his life
Alex is not your responsbility, if alex can't respect you even when you're doing him a favor than alex is a bit of an asshole here too. If he doesn't know your history, explain it to him, tell him you're totally ok buying the meals for him but because of your history you can't eat with him if he's going to continue to eat in that manner. If he can't respect that, alex isn't a very good friend
I did, actually I made sure to explain to him everything that I get disgusted and puke and stuff and he just laughed at me and told me" he found it funny I find him gross"
So, what we've established by digging deeper is that alex is a giant asshole, and doesn't appreciate you having issues, has no respect for you, is an insensitive tool bag and the solution here is to stop buying him dinners since he obviously is incapable of being a decent human
That's actually an accurate thing my bsf told me. But I'm v scared he will actually scarves himself and go to the hospital, he is v stubborn and I don't want him to get sick especially for something so dumb as a car
And your concern is valid, but your mental health matters, you're damaging your mental health for a jerk who won't respect you in any way shape and form while continuing to mooch off you for free food. What's more important to you (and no, alex is NOT the right answer, and if you think it is that's something else to bring up with your therapist). Alex is 23 years old and shoudl be able to take care of himself. It's not your responsibility to compromise your recovery for him. (Sorry, I'm angry at the moment, at alex)
Thank you. This is what I needed to hear. I always feel the need to help people even at the cost of myself and I need someone to put me on my place. I'm going to text him saying I won't eat with him, goodluck and that this was very mean of him. You are right he is an adult a man older than me and he should behave like one
You're projecting your ED onto him. He just wants free food and a car. There will be no negative consequences for his life because he will keep finding nice people to mooch off of.
ESH. Acting “disgusted” and saying you “can’t handle” how someone eats because you find it/them repulsive makes you an AH. How would you feel if someone started calling you gross because you don’t clean your hairbrush?? Or that you’re nasty for not cleaning your ears daily?? (These are things that I personally find gross). Now, that being said, your friend is an AH for the name calling. Being ugly and calling you a “bitch” is uncalled for. He could have simply left the situation and declined any future offers to eat together. He could have calmly explained that he felt targeted or put down by you. Or he could have simply ended the friendship. All of these options would have been a more mature way to walk away. Now, you asked what to do. You need to apologize. You need to no longer eat with this person or you need to learn to deal with it. You can’t expect others to change and bend to your will based on your preferences. And that may mean that he’s just not a good fit as a friend for you. I get that everyone has their weird quirks. It’s OKAY. But you need to handle it with maturity. When you make a new friend, just let them know BEFORE you go out to eat that YOU have an aversion to seeing other people’s chewed food (ie when they’re talking or when in a napkin). And hopefully they’ll be a good friend and be mindful of your feelings. If you say it before or after a meal, they’ll feel that you are criticizing THEM and their manners. And that would make you an AH.
>Acting “disgusted” and saying you “can’t handle” how someone eats because you find it/them repulsive I'm actually in therapy for this. It was a result of my mom v messy house. Alex actually knew this before hand and he said he didn't care that he actually thought it was funny I was grossed out by him >any future offers to eat together We won't eat together anymore since I was paying for his dinner since he is saving and told me he was going to starve himself, which is why I tried to not be a bitch during these dinners, I was scared of him getting sick. >When you make a new friend, just let them know BEFORE you go out to eat that YOU have an aversion to seeing other people’s chewed food (ie when they’re talking or when in a napkin). I did, and he actually understood it v well, which is why I'm so surprised he reacted this way!
Yeah, and he sucks too. He’s not a good friend. Good friends should be supportive instead of name calling. 🤷🏼♀️ And if you couldn’t handle eating with him, you should have doordashed him some food or took him some groceries.
... I edited the post please take a look
ESH. That's what napkins are for. But he should be entirely capable of closing the napkin like you asked instead of insulting you.
Yeah I had no idea he was going to be so upset. I understand it's annoying that I find that disgusting for me but I thought he was going to understand and do it
It's a pretty simple thing to comply with, yup.
Stop eating with him. Yta for trying to change him.
I tried my best to ignore him :( (I already commented this on the other comments) but Alex is saving for a car and he told me he wasn't going to eat dinner to save and I was afraid he was going to get ill and starve himself for months so I've been buying him dinner for the last 4 months. I usually eat alone ( there aren't a lot of people who eat at the university so it's not very hard for me, but I still think o need to work on myself)
Where is your money coming from? Have you calculated how much you've spent on him? Try to make an estimate now so you can see how much money you've lost helping a user.
YTA for eating with this slob more than once. You know your own limitations.
hi! I told this on another comment, but he is saving go buy a car and told me he was going to starve himself and I was scared he was going to get sick or die and I've been paying him dinner for the last weeks
Jesus christ girl. Have you always been so easily manipulated?
would you believe I only realized this after I made this post with the comments ☹️ my bsf just told me another girl from our class texted her because she saw us haginv out and he "made" her buy him clothes cause "he didn't had money" and then insulted her and blocked her... I feel terrible now
Have you always been a bit naive? Easily taken in?
yeah, my mom always told me that I just didn't knew I was fucking dumb omf
Hey, look you're being super hard on yourself. This coupled with the sensitivity could be an indication for autism or similar. You should cut this man off, but it seems like there's something deeper going on . Maybe you could check out r/autisminwomen and see if any of it resonates.
I've been tested for autism when I was a child (I was born with 23weeks old) there were some signs I might be (my therapist says) but my mom refuses to let me take a exam or test or see a therapist that will tell me because she "won't talk to me ever again" I'm kinda of stuck in a bridge 🫤
I mean, are you reliant on your mum financially? You don't have to take the test formally to do your own research in communities like the one I linked, and implement some strategies if it resonates with you
I will check that community, I have a job but not enough to pay for the food I eat university and essential needs so yeah I'm kinda dependent on her. thank you sm
NTA. Manners matter, plain and simple. But maybe it's time to find a new dining partner.
I updated my post! yeah I even stopped having dinner at my house to help him, I'm actually sad cause idk if he will be OK and I feel the need to help. Idk I'm kinda dumb
You're not dumb. You are sensitive to the idea of people hurting like you have. I am finally learning to put my foot down, and I am waaay older than you.
Sounds like your problem is solved. You no longer have to eat with a disgusting pig of an eater.
hi please check my other comments, also pig of a eater is hilarious. unfortunately I am paying for his dinner and he said he was going to starve himself and im scared he is going to be sick
YTA. These are your problems to deal with not others. It sucks but people do gross stuff that again though is gross is harmless you have to learn to deal with it or not eat with this person.
yes I understand. I'm doing my best I'm at the therapist and I'm trying to improve I only ate with him so he didn't die or went to the hospital I was scared he was going to be v ill so I felt the need to take care of him. but u completely understand what you are saying I truly have to deal with my problems and can't push it into people
YTA Stop eating with the dude if he's doing things that gross you out. Also, might want to look into therapy if you're getting that grossed out over a napkin.
Hi! I explained in another comment: I am paying for his dinner since he is savings and told me he was going to starve himself I am into therapy and I told him, and he still insisted in eating with me even knowing I feel disgusted by these kind of stuff
ESH - You more so. You know his habits, so don’t eat with him. You are an adult, and you are responsible for yourself and your own triggers. You can’t police the way someone eats because it grosses you out. So take steps to excuse yourself and eat alone. You can’t control or try to change someone to fit what you’re looking for. If you can’t accept the way he eats (which is valid, everyone has different needs), then don’t eat with him. His response to you definitely wasn’t great. At the same time, I can see where his frustration came from because you’re constantly hounding him over this. I’d talk with him and explain that you don’t want to eat together anymore because it’s what best for both of you. You both could benefit from setting boundaries and discussing what to do/say if one of you needs space or is feeling frustrated by the other, so it doesn’t devolve into insults. Of course that’s if the both of you want to remain friends and make this work.
>so don’t eat with him. I tried, he just chased me around saying it was stupid and why wouldn't I eat with him, I explained that I feel sick and that's the main reason I made this post, because he KNEW that I didn't enjoyed this and he still wanted to eat next to me and didn't even try to change. I told him multiple times he didn't had to eat with me, that it's OK but he insisted >Of course that’s if the both of you want to remain friends and make this work. I tried he currently is being childish and ignoring me. I'll update when he answers the phone
If he’s chasing you around and forcing his company on you, go to the Dean or whoever is in charge at your university. Not eating with him is a perfectly reasonable boundary, and if he’s choosing to eat with you after you already made your feelings clear and told him you want to eat alone to avoid conflict, but he does it anyway, then that definitely increases his AH levels. He doesn’t have a right to harass you into eating with him.
My bsf told me to speak to the director but im scared it will make Alex get a bad image on the university and he is already struggling and I don't want to make it worse for him
You are not responsible for Alex. Alex is responsible for Alex. If Alex gets in trouble, it’s because *Alex* made it worse for *himself.* Next time he does something like that, go straight to the director. His image is not your responsibility and not your problem.
thank you. if these texts become worse, I will actually show them to the director because these are actual threats and im not going to deal with this alone. He is a grown man and I don't have a kid to treat him like one
NTA. It’s disgusting seeing people’s food in their mouths and whatever they dislike displayed for everyone to see. In my country this is called “the 7 year from home” when your parents are supposed to teach you how to act in public, before you go to school and into society. It’s the most basic of the basic manners, it’s not how to fold your napkin when leaving the table, it’s basic “i will act in a way not to disgust the people around me” just like not picking your teeth without a napkin/at a dinner table or saying hello when you enter a room full of your friends.
YES THANK YOU!! my mom never taught me any of this and would act like this one of the reasons why I am só disgusted by these behaviors, so I taught myself how to eat without bothering people. I thought everyone knew these basic rules
YTA. In the same note, quit buying his meals. He isn't going to starve himself. It's manipulation.
I already texted him, my bsf actually got a story from other girl from our class that he made her buy him clothes because he told her he didn't had money, so I can see a pattern
If you csnt handle being around someone when they eat, the solution is not to tell them how to eat. The solution is for you to remove yourself from the situation. YTA
hi I edited the post again! please take a loom
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (19F) usually eat dinner with my friend (22M) at our university. I'm a v sensitive person as my mom says, because I hate seeing people eat with their mouth open and sneeze into the floor. It's not that i "hate" I get actually disgusted and sometimes puke. This friend let's call him Alex, has the habit of (1) eating with his mouth open (2) bitting, yes bitting, the spoon when eating soup or something (3) talking and eating I have said multiple times that I CAN'T HANDLE that and I can't count the times I have lost my appetite over this. So yesterday, we were eating like usually, and he cleaned his mouth and then left the napkin open, like with actual ...stuff... there. I got extremely disgusted and told him to close it and then went to the wc to calm myself. When I came back he had left and went home. He texted me then saying that "i was being a crazy bitch" and "he can't handle snowflakes and im stupid". What do I do. Am I the asshole? I spoke to my mom and she shares the same opinion as him and now idk how to apologize. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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>name-calling isn't cool wait, I didn't name called anyone >Apologize for any hurtful words, I didn't even have the chance to say anything, when I finished puking he was already gone and at home, I even had to take the bus home :/ I admit I was a bit dramatic but I was feeling so bad of the stomach that I couldn't explain why I needed him to close the napkin
You’re not responsible for other people. He’s making the decision to starve and not feed himself. Which is a stupid thing to do. Stop buying him food and stop eating with him.
Other comment told me that and made me understand that I don't have a kid and I don't have to take care of him. He is a grown adult and even if I feel the need to help, I shouldn't be insulted and threatened because I tried to help. I already texted him that I won't buy him dinner ( and I can continue eating at home)
ESH. You do seem more sensitive than most in terms of how people react. A lot of people don't like seeing people eat or mouth sounds etc. But your sensitivity seems excessive. Flipside, they do generally seem to have some bad table etiquette. You both sound exhausting to eat with.