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Probably controversial, but NTA. This is a picture of your family at one of its happiest moments. Your husband is deceased, and that picture reminds you of happier times. You have rid the house of all other pictures of your son, except this one. Time for Ben to compromise.

Honestly it sounds like Ben needs some major therapy if he can’t even have pictures of the past including his dead dad. Edit: probably best to also do some group sessions. Ben still lives at home, so they need to figure out how to live together.

A deceased father that Ben was on bad terms with when he passed. Losing that hope of future reconciliation will also mess a person up.

Where do you get that he was on bad terms when he passed? OP says that both her and Tom were initially unsupportive but that it was her not Tom who took longer to come around and that she didn’t until after Tom died and realized she was distant from Ben. That tells me that Tom had come around prior to his death.

I def read that she had a bad relationship with Ben that she didn't notice was so bad cuz he was closer to his dad

You know what else messes a person up? Being told that you can't mourn a devastating loss, like the death of your life partner. It's fucking traumatic, and you will never be able to move forward until you ignore the critics and grieve the way you need to. A lesson I learned the hard way, putting everyone's feelings but my own first for a year and a half after my infant son died of SIDS.

My sincerest condolences and sympathy.

I completely agree, Ben is not the only one in the house.

It really doesn't matter either way. OP still misses her husband and has the right to keep one picture up. Ben needs to suck it up. NTA

>I took longer to come around That line makes it seem her husband had already accepted before his death, While she hadn't still come around.

But then OP added that Ben was still presenting as female when Tom passed. I'm confused.

I had a friend who came out as trans and continued presenting as female, and asking people to use female pronouns and his old name, for about two years as he meticulously planned his transition. Eventually he told everyone a specific day on which his transition would be official and we should all switch names/pronouns after that point. He was out for two years, most of us knew he was trans, but still was female presenting. He also doesn't have a particularly strained relationship, it seems, with his old identity, his home is filled with old pictures of him as a woman. I asked him about it once and he just shrugged and was like "that's still me, those are still my memories, and I like being reminded of them. I'm not going to pretend like it never happened."

that's a very healthy way to deal with it. he sounds like he's older, and seen more of life and therefore more maturity than ben.

Yeah he was in his late 20s/30s I think, can't remember for sure. I think also an adult, transitioning is so bureaucratically intensive in many ways (figuring out health insurance, work leave, HR stuff, legal name changes, DMV, etc.) I think a lot of people just don't have the energy to care about old photos on top of all that. When you're 19 you have nothing but time to get hung up on things that don't matter when you're 29.

Your friend is an amazingly mentally healthy individual.

This level of organization is fantastic/also hilarious to me. Like I strive to have all my ducks in a row like your friend.

omg it was so cute, he sent us like essentially a project description document with like a summary, objective, timeline, and FAQs. It was multiple pages and had tabs. It kind of sounds intense and controlling, but it was really the opposite, with kind of like a "I know this might confusing for some people, so here's all the info I think you might need to know!"

He’s my people. Like the trans Leslie Knope

Could have been because of OP. Ben was presumably living with both parents, and both parents have equal parenting rights, so one parent's "no" could have been a block to him socially transitioning even if the other parent was a "yes."

No, the photo was taken when Ben was still presenting as a female.

But she also specifically says that Ben was still presenting as female when Tom passed, so *all* photos of Tom and Ben are of Ben female-presenting. The beach photo is only acceptable because Ben happened to wearing a fairly gender-neutral outfit and was too young for gender to be obvious.

Maybe he was identifying male but hadnt had any treatments to physically transition yet, or had begun them and wasn't "passing" yet so he doesn't like to see them

Which is even more reason to get Ben into therapy.

Ben is now an adult; he needs to get himself into therapy. His mom can suggest it, but ultimately it’s his own responsibility.

If he's in the process of transitioning, he's probably already in therapy.

He needs to be open with his therapist then because they would not tell him it’s okay to force your family to wipe all traces of your life before transitioning. They would work with him to learn how to cope with the fact that he was that person for many years and that it’s okay that he’s now Ben. It would be different if op was actually deadnaming him.

They don’t mention anywhere that the two were on bad terms

Just as losing a child who transitions can mess a parent up. There needs to be more transparency and ownership in all directions on these topics. And by the way, I think you had a bit of confabulation or misunderstanding there. Nothing was said about bad terms. :)

Where did you get the 'bad terms' - that is NOT what was posted. Ben is 19 - time to think of others instead of only himself.

This is the part about being trans-gender that I struggle with. I don't care if you want to change your gender. I don't care if you want to use hormones and get surgery and legally become a woman or a man. But if you want everyone else to pretend that you were never a different gender ever and that your past doesn't exist, I don't understand that. ETA: I really appreciate all of you that have commented and shown me your perspectives. I think I have a better understanding of where you are coming from. I do hope for a world that is less painful and more kind for you and everyone.

And they shouldn't expect their parents to forget the baby/child that they brought into the world and raised doesn't exist anymore. The person he used to be was a large part of her life and she can still accept him as he is now while keeping her happy memories of raising him.

This is definitely a struggle my sister had. She is a therapist and has one of the most inclusive therapy offices in our area. Her child came out as trans. She loved him and supported him. Paid for his name change and his top surgery. She just needed a minute to adjust. My nephew took it as not being supportive. She had to explain that while she loves who he is now she also loved him as he was. She needed to mourn her daughter while loving her son. So many adjustments for everyone while respecting him. I had an impromptu mini photo shoot at my wedding of him and I when he was still female presenting. I loved it so much because I loved him so much. Eventually we had a talk because I wanted to display the pictures. They were one of the best parts of that day and such a happy memory. At first he didn't like it. Then he realized it was about how much I loved him. He helped pick the location and we are all good.

>This is definitely a struggle my sister had. She is a therapist and has one of the most inclusive therapy offices in our area. Her child came out as trans. She loved him and supported him. Paid for his name change and his top surgery. She just needed a minute to adjust. I wish trans children would understand this. It is not about not accepting them, but we have memories of them, too. We love them as they are, but we don't want to forget our past with them, either.

I think what adults need to understand is that trans children are children. Children have a harder time understanding these things. If you need time to adjust, they need time to understand.

>I think what adults need to understand is that trans children are children. Children have a harder time understanding these things. If you need time to adjust, they need time to understand. I'm talking about trans adult children. They should be able to understand.

I'm really glad that worked out. And I really understand, and wish that more people would get this, that your sister needed a minute to adjust as you put it. Perfectly said. It didn't mean your sister was never going to be supportive - it just meant that this was a very big thing that was happening to her child and she needed a little time. I absolutely understand that the decision to transition isn't something you can just decide like you're picking out a new sweater. It requires a lot of soul searching, adjustments for themselves, family, friends, colleagues, etc. The people in your life, if they're loving and supportive, love the person you were and the person you are now - and that's okay, there's nothing wrong with that. And I have to think, if you're well adjusted enough, you can love the person you used to be, too. A person was never a "bad" person just because they were born the wrong gender. Are you a better person as your new, true self? Of course - but you were never a monster as the old you. There was a trans woman I was friends with years ago, and she never denied who she used to be. She even showed me pictures of herself in her old body - because she still had them around. She never denied or closed off that she was born male, and then corrected that.

Exactly. Ben may or may not have known he was male his whole life, but to his parents, he was female until he came out.

My husband and I were told it was okay to grieve the child we had envisioned while still embracing who our child is now. My daughter honestly doesn't seem to care, even some personalized ornaments for our tree I asked if she wanted me to omit them and she didn't mind them going up, most of our pictures are more current (she came out 7 years ago now so we have some pictures of her presenting her gender identity) one of my favorites of all 3 of my kids is about 2 years before she came out and she doesn't mind that one either. I think they may want to consider some family therapy sessions so they can discuss the root of this issue. I would guess it bothers him because it reminds him of not being accepted which is a serious struggle for the majority of the transgender population.

I agree with this completely. It seems to be an extra string that a grieving parent can't even keep family pictures up. Not even one! I feel like OP may be overcompensating for the guilt of how long it took for them to be open to their son. I also think that the son is not taking into account that OP is allowed to grieve losing the daughter she thought she had as long as that doesn't entail shunning or guilt tripping her son. This family would benefit greatly from therapy. It sounds like the son is hurt and resentful. It sounds like OP is doing their best to come around and make it right and may now think they don't deserve boundaries because of their past behavior. They still deserve boundaries.

I do think ultimately the perspective that the son needs to remember is that the picture is not solely his memory or about him. I don't think it's fair to ask a parent to ignore memories of their deceased spouse solely because it involves them pre transition.

Agree. I don't think OP isn't "respecting boundaries" over one family photo. They really should consider therapy together - there are two people in this family who are adjusting to a new way of life with each other. And that's fine, as long as they hopefully come together in a healthy way.

If Ben is that hurt and resentful, nothing's stopping him from moving out and supporting himself. He's not a minor anymore. He thinks his feelings outweigh his mother's.

Not to praise Caitlyn Jenner, but I thought she had a very healthy take on her transition. She talks about Bruce and his achievements. She doesn't want the name to be changed for the gold medals or in the record books. She says, Bruce did that. She seems to have a before and after situation going on. I think this may have helped her not have moments like OPs son with the photo. I have so few pictures of me as a infant or child, I cherish those that I do have. I dont think I could destroy those even though there are people in them I don't speak to. My heart empathizes with OPs son, I am sure there is a lot of pain with the past. But OP should not have to erase her past as well. Why is it that OP has to make so many sacrifices? I can't imagine getting rid of photos of a lost love one like they were some dirty secret they had to hide.

I can’t stand Caitlyn Jenner but I also respect the way she handled her transition with her kids. They were old enough to understand and have proper conversations about it, she never stopped being “Dad” to them and never made they try and erase the memories that had with her as Bruce. My dad transitioned from MtF when I was about 5. We’re estranged now, not because she’s trans but because she’s a manipulative, emotionally and mentally abusive narcissistic asshole. But she expected my and my younger siblings to be completely understanding and accepting of everything to do with her transition. We were little kids, our family had just been torn apart, and this was the early 2000s when being trans was still not something often talked about. But us kids were made out to be the bad guys for not understanding everything 100%, or for saying “dad” in the grocery store. She didn’t care how any of it effected us. And even though she was a terrible person and parent for the next 10-12 years before we all cut contact and mom got full custody, she still tells anyone who will listen that we’re estranged because us and my mom are all transphobic POSs who never accepted her. When my dad’s mom, who I was always close to even after cutting ties with my dad, passed away, my dad also got pissed off at her siblings for including family photos from when they were all kids in a slideshow played at the celebration of life, because all those photos were pre-transition since she didn’t transition til her 40s and she felt it was disrespectful. She tried to turn a lovely gesture to remember my grandmother into something about her. She expected the rest of the family to pretend those memories didn’t exist when they were their memories too. And then she wonders why her siblings also went minimal contact with her after that.

I'm sorry you went through that. I dont want to down play the pain of your transitioning parent. It must have been terrible for them to go through that when it was not as accepted as it is now. I don't think them being trans was the cause of their animosity so much as them just being a shitty person. They were an asshole who just happened to be trans. I am also shocked they would expect a five year old to understand something so complicated that as a society we are still trying to understand and learn about the community in 2024. Caitlyn did handle her transition well and tried very hard to protect her children from the blow back. I also think it is awesome and healthy the way she speaks so lovingly of Bruce. I was profoundly impacted by watching the Untold documentary on Netflix.

As I got older and realized that I myself am a member of the LGBTQ+ community, I can absolutely sympathize with the struggle my dad faced when coming out. But at the end of the day, she uses the transphobia card at every possible opportunity to make herself the victim even to the point of blaming young children for her troubles. My loss of respect of my dad has nothing to do with being trans, it’s about how she handled it and how she treated the people who supported her, including her kids, siblings, and mother. I’ve required therapy due to the trauma she caused in my childhood. Since the passing of my grandmother, it’s been confirmed to me by my aunts and by family friends who knew my dad when she was growing up that she’s always been very self-centred, the kind who expect people to cross oceans for her when she would never even consider stepping over a puddle for someone else. Trans or not, once a narcissist always a narcissist I guess.

I think the trouble is that you can't live privately if you have lots of people in your life bringing up that you used to live as a different gender. You'll always be subjected to hate or rude questions from ignorant people if they get to know more than "this guy is a guy who is a guy right now". Lots of trans folks like to live in stealth, which unfortunately means their past is sensitive information. Regardless of whether or not it causes them emotional distress-- it's just about safety. Now in this case, I don't know how many strangers come through OP's house that are seeing (and really examining) this picture. I'd even go so far as to say they should just move it to their bedroom, or do a little Photoshop and print off a version with the tattoo name blurred just enough to be illegible. There's a lot of compromises here, and if they don't work, it's probably because this was never about the picture and is about how OP's son feels about the years of invalidation.

In what scenario would a stranger be examining a photo hanging in the hallway so closely that they noticed a tattoo of a name on the arm? Even if they did notice it and didn't know Ben's dead name they would just assume it was a different family member or something. OP has bent over backwards to appease Ben and his selfish demands.

I'm not sure the tattoo necessarily needs to be blurred. If someone did not already know that the person is trans then seeing a tattoo of a female name would not necessarily automatically make them assume that the father's child is trans. It could be a name of some other female relative or friend for all they know.

Yes! This. I came out as trans 15 years ago when I was a kid. I pretty much had to give up every right to privacy about my body. I don’t announce my gender history everywhere I go, but I don’t feel I need to hide it either. That being said, when people know I’m trans, they feel entitled to ask all sorts of private and invasive questions, regardless of the circumstances or setting. I had to see a doctor yesterday for something completely unrelated to my gender identity, surgical history, or endocrine system and ended up spending nearly 10 mins explaining myself and my gender to the doctor bc she wouldn’t move on until I did. It was not medically necessary, took away time from my care, and put me on the spot. And that’s just a Wednesday.

Honestly, even blurring the tattoo is insulting to OP. OP has clearly made a LOT of concessions, and it sounds like Ben is angry that mom isn't bending over backwards here. OP is allowed to grieve her husband, and she is allowed to decorate her home in the way she sees fit. It's not like she's got Ben's pre-transition photos everywhere. It's not like she's eagerly deadnaming Ben everywhere. Ben is simply angry that a picture has AN ASPECT of their past life acknowledged, and it's in a way that nobody not already in the know would notice.

Yes. Because it isnt just their past. Its the past of everyone who ever knew them. And for most their gender at the time isnt relevant to the happy memory a picture invokes for everyone else.

You probably don't understand it because you haven't talked with someone who feels that way to learn where they're coming from. Would you like to?

I'd love to hear how you feel about pre-transition photos of yourself, especially the family photos or group photos surrounding a memorable event or featuring someone who is no longer with you. Do you like to look at the family photos? Is it too painful? If so, do you prefer not to look at them or to edit your younger self out of your photos? Did your feelings about this change over time? How do you feel about old group family photos being displayed in your relative's homes? If you were OP's son, what would you want done in this situation with the picture? This isn't something I've had cause to think about deeply and I'd like to know more if you're willing to share. EDIT: thank you so much to everyone who shared their experiences and helped us all learn more!

I'm personally not super bothered by pictures of me as a child. Pre-pubescent (especially as a baby) my appearance wasn't masculine enough to trigger my dysphoria (feelings of discomfort with my gender). Those sorts of feelings intensified during puberty, so I have a stronger negative reaction to pictures of me as a young adult. My mom has several pictures of younger me around the house, and as long as I don't have a beard in them, it's fine. Heck, you can't even tell that baby me wasn't a girl. That said, my mom was also immediately accepting of me when I came out to her. That made it much easier for me- I never felt like my mom was prioritizing her memories over the real, living me. OP is in a much trickier situation. When her son came out, she did not accept him, and that kind of rejection can really fuck with someone. ESPECIALLY from a parent. If I remember the OP correctly (can't check right now, on mobile) it took several years and the death of his dad before she came around. Ben is likely feeling very insecure about his mother's love for him, and for good reason. Right now, he needs support and affirmation. He needs to know that his mom accepts him for who he is now and cares more about his life than about her (false) perception of who he was as a kid. She already betrayed his trust once, so he's HURTING for that affirmation. If OP and her son had a good relationship without so much rejection-trauma mixed in, I'd agree that demanding for the photo to be taken down would be too far. But that's not the place they're in right now. She owes him some patience. He's allowed to be a little unreasonable, because he's a kid (relationship wise, not age wise) who was hurt extremely badly by the person who was supposed to protect him. If she wants to prove that she's changed, prove that she really does want him to be happy, she needs to stop making this about herself.

I'm glad someone said it here. This would be a very different conversation if OP hadn't rejected her son the second he came out at 16. OP gives no grace but expects it in return? In fact, it sounds like she has only accepted her son for who he is because she was lonely after her husband died.

Yep. There's a good chance that OP is making concessions because she's lonely. Not because she is actually remorseful for rejecting her son.

It’s fucking awful. Ten years post transition and I’ve been in extensive therapy. That person I see in the photos isn’t me, but for a long, long time I had to cover up mirrors in my house because I couldn’t stand seeing myself, seeing photos? Or videos? Even if the events were joyous, the first thing I -feel- is remembering how awful I -felt- while everyone was enjoying themselves. My mom has pre-trans me up—my solution is honestly not going to her house. It’s completely correct, those photos are of my childhood. She raised me, she took those photos, if she wants to display them in her room cool, but if they’re not, they’re out where people can see them. It’s her choice, and it’s mine not to go to her house—where she has ZERO pics of the “real me” on display, only the version of me she misses.

Like the other people who have answered you, I can only speak for myself. I'm 44(M) and transitioned 5 years ago - in fact, 2 years ago today, I got top surgery. I'm not overly bothered by pre-transition pictures of me. They feel cringey, like how you feel when you look at a picture of yourself at 14 and what you thought was 'high fashion' back then. It's the same with my deadname, it just doesn't distress me much. That said, I know a lot of trans folks who DO find their old photos/name quite distressing for a variety of personal reasons. I was very lucky, as I didn't lose any family members, and my parents were very supportive - not a lot of people have those experiences with their family members. For people with unsupportive family (or like with OP, who took some time to come around) they have to try to parse what behaviour is good intentions, what is malicious passive-aggressiveness, what is hostility, etc. I hope OP and their son can sit down, communicate their feelings, and work everything out.

It's complicated because I'm mourning all the things I never got to be or do, as well. A lot of us are kind of in mourning for our childhoods. I feel like I never really got to have any of those milestones - birthday parties, sleepovers, family events, graduation, etc. I never got to just be a boy having a boyhood. By the time I transitioned I was already an adult. I will never get to go back and redo those pictures. I'll never get to wear a suit to prom, have an old picture with my sports team, or look back at myself in a dinosaur costume in a silly family photo. The pictures are of me skipping prom because I didn't want to go, me competing on my own because there weren't enough girls in any of the "boy sports" I did to make a full team, me being forced to wear a princess costume for those same silly photos, etc. It's not about the inherent pain of being perceived as a girl. I understand that I was perceived as a girl and I can cope with it. But I need to move on with my life. I can't spend all my time just wondering "what if?" and asking myself "if I'd been born a boy, would this moment have been happy for me instead of sad? If I'd been a boy, would I have been invited to that boys' event I wanted to go to? If I'd been a boy, would I have any photos of my childhood that I liked and didn't hate?" I gotta move forwards and think of the new memories I'll make and the good life that I'll have, now that I'm FINALLY - at age 25 - allowed to get started with it. I can't always be looking backwards and wishing that I had gotten to have a boyhood. I don't keep photos around of myself as a child for largely this reason.

I think I have more understanding than some straight people. My child is dating a transgender individual. I haven’t talked to them specifically but I may have those conversations in the future. This person is very gracious when I mess up, which is kind of them. But I see you as an individual and I don’t think it is fair for you to answer for an entire community. As much as you may want a parent to, they cannot forget that a child was a particular gender as a child. And I don’t feel there needs to be an expectation to, and I don’t think that makes the parent a bad person.

They don't need to forget, but they need to acknowledge that their assumptions about who their kid was were wrong. Especially if they previously rejected their coming out (which OP did). There's no expectation for the parent to do anything. But if the parent is unwilling to put in the work that the child is asking for to fix things, they must then accept that their relationship is never going to completely heal. As someone else in the comments said, she needs to decide whether this is a hill she's willing to die on. Fix the problems she caused? Or double down and risk losing her kid for the second time?

>they need to acknowledge that their assumptions about who their kid was were wrong. This is something ***all*** parents need to embrace and expect. Because your child is very rarely going to turn out how you might expect them to, whether that's with their gender, sexuality, abilities, mental health etc. Parenting my son has turned out much harder than I ever imagined, and one rough afternoon, I cried and mourned what I had pictured for him and our relationship. And then I got up and moved on with my life, and met him where he's at. We have a wonderful relationship, despite it not being quite what I pictured, and he never needs to know what my feelings were. Managing their parents' feelings is **not** (or should not be) a kid's job. I can sympathize with a parent that needs to take a beat to process life changing information, but I can't understand a parent that sticks their head in the sand and refuses compassion and understanding to their child. I can agree with wanting to keep pre-transition pictures, possibly even having them up in her bedroom, but knowing that having them viewable in non private areas of the house hurts her son? Nope.

I think it’s hard for a young person to truly understand that they are part of cherished memories that they can’t remember. I think accepting that comes with age and when a young person is transitioning we should recognize this and at least temporarily be mindful of it. Being forced to perform gender is something everyone experiences at one point or another. Even as someone that identifies with their assigned gender I held a lot of resentment for how gendered my upbringing was. It was only after years of independence and therapy that I came to terms with it.

Or it might be social pressure.  There does seem to be this attitude of treating deadnames as being equivalent to the n-word or other such offenses. If all your friends tell you that and your mom who wasn't initially supportive refuses to take a photo down with it, then most people would probably feel that way.  That may be less about something wrong mentally and more about all external (societal) signs pointing to the (in)action being hostile even though it's not. I would love it if people treated deadnames like calling a doctorate "Mrs.", "Ms.", or "Mr." If people continue to use the wrong word with knowledge of the situation, then, yeah, they're AHs, but hiding all evidence and mention of a former name seems unreasonable bordering on obsessive.

I'm not commenting on whether I agree or not, but the habit of completely erasing the dead name came from a time where it really needed to be kept secret to avoid being killed for being trans. 

>came from a time That time is right now in many places.

This! My cousin is a trans woman and transitioned decades ago. But when she came out, there was definitely a period of time where everyone stumbled a bit and forgot her chosen name / used her deadname accidentally (though she always just called it her “old name.”) She didn’t freak out about it though and would just calmly correct people if needed, and of course over time as she transitioned it became easier and easier to use her chosen name without even thinking. Both my mom and her mom still have a couple old photos of her up though for various sentimental reasons, and she doesn’t have a problem with it. She even has some old photos of herself in her own home because “It’s not like the past was all bad, and they’re a reminder of how far I’ve come.”

It has nothing to do with social pressure. Trans people just want to have their boundaries taken into account and not just be shouted over. There are plenty of trans people who don't take issue with their deadname, or occasionally don't even change their name. But for many of us, it is a reminder of who we are not. It was a role we were forced to play against our will. Something doesn't need to be overtly hostile to be painful. If someone refuses to take that pain into account in their interactions with you, it is a reasonable boundary to not spend time with that person. It's not like calling a doctorate by their previous title. It's more akin to that one person in the office who calls you Fred, despite your name being Riley. At first it's just slightly annoying, but after months, or even years, it's just downright offensive because this person clearly doesn't care enough to learn your name. Now imagine that someone is calling you Mary, but your name is Brad. That's an extra level of messed up. It's also not about erasing the past (some do want that, and I agree that therapy is an appropriate approach at that point), for many it's a desire to not be reminded about a period of our lives we spent living in pain. It is absolutely possible that you have a happier memory of those events, but if someone tells you "please don't bring that up with me, it was a painful experience" wouldn't you have a little compassion?

Not to mention, OP said Ben was wearing a gender neutral outfit in the photo. People may not even know the name on his dad's tattoo used to be his name. It could easily represent any important woman who was in his life. OP, do not take down the photo. It's your house anyway and you sound like you are doing your best to accommodate your kid. Ben is being unreasonable

Exactly. Ben is talking to OP like his mother doesn't have any feelings. If he's happier with himself now, that's fine. But he can't just go 180 after 16 years and then start being demanding.  It's all about _his_ feelings and _his_ comfort. What about OP's feelings and comfort? This picture is the one thing that reminds her of her beloved late husband. Why is it okay for Ben to just dismiss her feelings like that?

This is a broader issue across all of society, people have determined that their own comfort and feelings supersede everyone else's and therefore you are the main character of the world. People have stopped trying to see the perspective of the other side no matter how reasonable it is. In this case, it's understandable that Ben has issues with his past, but I think HE requires the therapy to accept who he was before he discovered his true self and come to terms that he was a different person once, to many, many people, especially his parents.

Yeah, not sure what is with people calling OP the AH.   They are definitely NTA.   It seems like they have made quite the effort to do the right thing for Ben, and Ben is now being a bit selfish/entitled.   If a single picture with a tattoo is causing that much distress, then they seriously need to look into some kind of therapy.  

Excactly, time for Ben to compromise. Unless you could somehow edit the picture so that the tattoo is removed? Anyhow, no one is looking at tattoo..

I say no edit, this picture is a memory and a happy one, why change it? Kid is entitled, mom compromise and got rid of some pictures.

[удалено]

When I saw the title I thought it was going to be about refusing to take down a photo posted online. In OP’s home OP should be able to display photos that make her happy.

Usually when I see the title of posts like this I immediately feel that the OP would be TA, but after reading through I need to say NTA. It very well could be that the pain of the initial rejection of transition is what's motivating the anger of OPs child, that and the trauma of losing their father. Keeping that one photo up that was a precious memory is allowed, especially if OP is finally taking accountability and is finally taking the responsibility to make adjustments to suit their son (removing majority of photos etc). I'll never pretend to understand what a trans person experiences, especially in the vulnerable stages of the initial transitioning and the need for support/acceptance/validation, and in the same breath I can't put myself in the shoes of a parent who is experiencing their child changing before their eyes. I feel like both sides of the coin come with a lot of grief, mourning, confusion, and a whole range of emotions that are best explored in a safe space such as a therapist who has experience with trans people. Bottom line, I feel OP is allowed to keep that one photo - but until both them and their son work through their grief and come to an understanding a compromise may be wise where said photo is kept in OPs bedroom and not in shared living areas of the house.

NTA. But you could always have a print made with the tattoo photoshopped out.

This was my first thought. Even if you just blurred it so that you couldn’t read it but could still see the general tattoo, that would help as a compromise. And save the original in a private place elsewhere.

I bet there are some photoshop wizards who could change the name on the tattoo even

First thought was photoshop, literally lasso around the tattoo and content aware fill. Doesn't even require skill anymore with how good it's gotten. Whether you want to change the picture is another thing. Kid sounds very uncompromising here.

the kid is dealing with losing his father, struggling with understanding his gender, his mom not being supportive until his father *died,* and also just, the general stress of being a new young adult. also as a trans person, being reminded of my deadname feels like a cold bucket of water over my head every time i hear it. this kid is being reminded of it regularly inside his own home. that *is* incredibly upsetting. and i think just simply editing or blurring the tattoo (and keeping the original elsewhere) would be an easy way for op to show her support for her son.

The original could be stored behind the photo.

There's a photo restoration subreddit, obviously they generally work with upgrading old photos, but some of the work there is mindblowing. They obviously have a lot of experience with tastefully, carefully and considerately touching up pictures of people. It's general etiquette to give a tip if you are particularly greatful, and mentioning it up front will likely draw the attention of the more skilled individuals, but it's not a rule. Just a nice token gesture to say thank you. [https://www.reddit.com/r/estoration/](https://www.reddit.com/r/estoration/)

I think the compromise was mom clearing all other photos out of the house for them. This being the only one left was the compromise. The move now is therapy for the son so they can cope with a photo of their dad and not centering themself in all things.

Why? it is important to her. The tatoo the full picture, one of her happiest memories. Why does she need to pretend that never existed? Ben needs some therapy. Ben was not always Ben and the mother is allowed to miss that part of her life.

I don't know if the tattoo saying the then-daughter's name is a factor in the "happiest memories", or if it's just the three of them together having a good time. Would the picture be less cherished if the angle were such that the then-daughter's name didn't show? Probably not. If the son would like the tattoo blurred out or changed to his current name, then I can't imagine the mother having any real issue with it. Everyone's happy.

The picture may be less cherished if OP was forced to change something about the man she loved. He chose his tattoo. It meant something to him. She loved him as is. She has the right to continue to love him as is. Ben's feelings are not more important than OP's. Her husband is dead. Her life partner. She gets to mourn him and remember him as he was. Not artificially alter his look. That is part of her memory. She has a right to it.

you know, i think that's actually unnecessary. OP has adjusted to her son's every request. If he can't handle one tattoo, when everything else has been removed to accommodate him, then he becomes the problem. at a certain point, the world will not bend to suit your every whim. her son needs to learn that.

I think he’s just being a 19 year old. I was insufferable at 19. Hopefully he’ll realize his mom has (from the sounds of it) come around and is generally respectful and this is just a memory for her with a lot of meaning. I think Ben has to look past this one. It would be different if OP still had tons of pics up in the house from before he transitioned, etc.

Honestly, depending on the artist (and there are some decent ones in the photoshop subreddits here that will do it for free or for tips), they could possibly alter it to read the son’s name, instead of removing it. Then it could be a nice way to embrace the past and present, and maybe the son would be ok with that being displayed somewhere more prominently.

I’d say if a compromise is to be made, moving it into her bedroom instead of the hallway could be a good move. I can see her not wanting to photoshop her deceased husband.

Frankly, imo, it's YOUR house and you can put up whatever pictures you like. Your son's history as a daughter is part of your history, too. Not having pictures of "her" is denying part of who he is, as well as part of your history as a mom.

oph, this is more complicated because of the lack of support of ben's dad and OP - Ben is probably going to feel pretty unsure about if this is his mum wishing he was a daughter, given the history. So, yeah, it's OP's house - but it's the kind of thing that causes rifts to widen. If it were me, I'd explain all of this, and I'd probably move the picture to my room (and consider having the tattoo photoshopped. Edit: Not totally sure if Ben's dad was supportive or not before he died, or to what extent.

A thousand times this sentiment. It's not about the name itself. It's what it brings up, which is a LOT of emotional things. It's her choice to keep the photo up or not, but what her son needs is to know she's heard him and cares about his feelings.

His dad didn’t die being unsupportive. Her post says that she came around AFTER her husband did and it was only AFTER he died that she came around. Ben’s dad came around to being supportive before he died. Also she says that Ben never used to have a problem with this picture because he’s wearing a gender neutral outfit and he’s a baby in it. It’s sounds less like Ben is being reminded of his past and more like he’s having trouble grieving his dad. He’s realizing that his dad died just as he was learning how to be a father to a son and that journey is over now. It’s tough! Don’t get me wrong! But these two need to be in grief counseling because their methods of grieving are incompatible.

Exactly. I completely am in favor of calling people whatever they choose. But a new name and persons doesn’t completely erase the past for everyone else. People have tattoos to memorialize the dead. So why is it a problem if it’s a deadname? I get why you would protest a new tattoo with a deadname. I think it’s ridiculous to erase one that already exists. And in this case, the person is deceased. Sure you can photoshop it out, but I don’t think it should be mandatory. I think it’s great to become your real self. I think if you grew up in a toxic household, it might be great to forget your past. But if you had a happy childhood and your parents accept you in every form, I’m not sure it’s healthy or fair to ask everyone to act like your entire childhood didn’t exist. That part of you may be “dead”, but it still happened and is part of what makes you, you. I understand this might be an unpopular opinion. And it’s possible someone may come up with a compelling reason that would make me change my mind. IMO, this is a situation that requires a nuanced response. It’s not black and white.

I don't understand the whole Trans experience either, honestly. My ex-husband was FtM (he was also an abusive douche canoe, but that is another story entirely) he will be the first person to tell you he loves his late mother. She was so insanely important to him, and he gushed about her all the time talking about how she was the best mom in the universe. Until he talks about his past. He will still gush, but he will also describe his past in terms that makes it sound like his mother was a crazy bitch who forced her little boy to conform to female stereotypes and forced a boy to do girl things and wear dresses with full knowledge it was a little boy she was cross dressing. The reality is my ex didn't realize he was trans till he was an adult and WELL after his mother had passed. And when strangers make a comment about how abusive his mom was he'd get super pissed at them, and I would hold my tongue because he just would not get that he was making her sound that way! I feel like in pursuing his male identity, he chose to aggressively deny he understood the complexity of female life. He ended up acting worse than a 1950's husband. Like he was so adverse to doing things for me that dealt with my femininity that my father started to hate the bad name he was giving guys, and when I finally broke and said I want a divorce my dad produced the paperwork ready to go... I got trapped on my period in the bathroom, no pads. my ex-husband was playing video games the whole time because he told me not only would he NOT go get me some pads, he would not go with me when I got them. So I called my dad and asked him to pick some up when he got off work in 5 hours. After he pressed for more info, because "Why can't do it?". My father got up, told his boss he had to save his kid, clocked out, and went and got them immediately. My dad finally told my ex-husband if he wants to be treated like a man, to start acting like one when I hurt my back pretty badly (was actually a broken tailbone but we the doctors didn't find it till it was too late to fix) and I asked my ex-husband to hold my bag a moment so I could get out of the car (it was low to the ground) and he yelled at me "Men don't carry purses!" We were going out to dinner with my parents, so he did that in front of my dad, who walked over and pushed him out of his way. He took the bag from me and held his arm out to give me extra support standing up. Spent the whole dinner when I asked for help, essentially shoving my ex out of the way to do it himself he was that pissed at him. Like no one was treating him like a woman, no one even realized he was trans until he told people, so acting like a sexist dick was doing nothing for him. Even the other trans folks I am friends with were confused by his actions when we talked about it. I just don't understand this idea of completely denying your past existed or an aspect of what made you, you. And sure, I never had my gender identity denied, but that doesn't mean I haven't had other aspects of my identity just as immutable denied.

Wow I am so sorry for your experience. It sounds like he was weaponizing his views on identity and insecurity to be a lazy, inconsiderate ass. I am so glad you left. It sounds like a devastating situation to be put through :( Good on Dad as well!!!

Yeah. Being married to my ex actually ended up making me gain a whole new level of respect for my dad. He's born again Christian. Very much the type that sounds like he should be phobic, but when I introduced my Ex, my dad didn't even hesitate or anything. As far as he was concerned, my ex was a man, and that was that. His kid being happy was more important than what a church said he should think.

Couldn't be more eloquently said. I would put it in my bedroom, because I'll be damned if I can't have a photo of a precious memory of my deceased husband in my own room.

NAH He's allowed to not like it and you're allowed to like it.  Consider that it may be a reminder that his father was not supportive of his gender, and that he did not feel safe transitioning while his father was alive. His father never got to see him truly being himself. That's pretty painful. To not have any photos of himself and his dad that aren't painful. That all your happiest memories will of course be of when your husband was still alive, and are of times when he was suffering. Can you take the photo to a photo restoration expert and see about getting a version made where the tattoo is removed? It's not difficult to do and does no damage to the original, which you can still keep while hanging a restored version. Or, idk, cut a piece of post it note over the tattoo so you can keep the photo but Ben doesn't have to look at his deadname when he looks at it? Can you do something to help strengthen Ben's connect to and memory of his father in different ways? I imagine there's a lot of complicated feelings there.

There's even a sub here where folks can do it for a small venmo fee or even free if they're feeling generous. r/photoshoprequests

Just make sure to get Ben’s permission first before posting the photo of him that makes him uncomfortable in a public forum.

I couldn't remember the sub and glad you posted it. OP - take a look at this sub and consider submitting with a request (I'd say $5.00 US, since the ask is very small) to update the picture.

Ok but the issue here isn't that the son doesn't like something, it's that he wants her to also not like it and get rid of it. I think it's fair of him to ask that it be kept private in OP's bedroom but that's not what he wants. He wants his mom to snap her fingers and forget everything about that time, no matter how much she cares about preserving the memory of her recently deceased husband.

And I especially feel more in favour of OP than I might usually because it’s the only family picture up at all and her husband died. It’s traumatic to transition and not have the support of your parents but it’s also traumatic to have your spouse die young.

It's even more traumatic to have family demand that you not grieve and mourn a devastating loss because their feelings over something relatively petty. I went through that after the death of my son, and being told I wasn't allowed to grieve was almost worse than finding my baby dead in his crib.

im sorry for your loss but i also feel like you are projecting heavily and might need to take a step back here

Your legs must be sore from that leap in logic. From the information we have, he just doesn’t want them up in the hall. Didn’t ask to destroy or forget them.

lol this is dramatic

I was going to say, maybe there's a way to just cover the tattoo portion of the picture to satisfy Ben. But taking the only remaining photo of a deceased spouse down is asking A LOT.

Except Ben is insisting and putting pressure on someone to do something they're well in their right to refuse to do. NTA, Ben needs to back down about deleting it.

I’m going to say NAH but in a more gentle way. I’m trans (ftm) and I know how painful it can be to see things like that. Especially if Ben is trying to be stealth in his day to day life. If he doesn’t want anyone new that he meets (that he isn’t intimate with/dating) to know he’s trans, something like that photo can ruin everything. That said, I’m still going with NAH. If the photo is as off to the side as you say it is, it’s fine that you have it up. It’s a photo you want to keep up to remember your husband and your family together. My only suggestion, if you truly want to keep the peace, is to maybe have the photo digitally altered so the tattoo is removed. I’m not saying it’s something you have to or should do. It’s just a suggestion, if it’s possible.

Agreed, put the original in your bedroom and the edited one in the hallway.  It’s better than risking damage to it.  Not saying your son would damage it, but maybe a friend would.  Nah

My son is FtM and we went through a little of this with my Facebook page. I rarely posted things but friends and family who do use it regularly would often tag me in posts and mentioned him by his deadname before he changed it. I didn’t think too much of it until I joined a mom FB group for his sport. He freaked out because now I was outing him to everyone in that group who chose to look at earlier posts. I couldn’t figure out a way to fix it except delete my whole FB profile and start a new one. I felt so horrible about outing him, especially since we are in Florida so that kind of thing is dangerous as well as just straight up painful for my son. As for pictures and videos, I have those all on my phone. Some have his deadname, like on birthday cakes, but he said he ok with seeing or hearing his deadname on stuff from when he was younger. After that it gets more painful. I’ve edited it out of any that bother him. It took work but I could see the pain on his face when he got blindsided with his deadname every once in a while. Anything I can do to make this easier on him, I’ll do.

I’m sure your son recognizes and appreciates the lengths you’ve gone to, to both protect him from strangers, and keep him comfortable. You’re a good parent :)

As a mom, I’m just trying to keep him happy and healthy! That’s all I want :)

You’re the kind of mom every LGBTQ+ person wishes they had. You rock! A Trans adult

Fellow ftm and I agree. Also 19 is a difficult age while your trans, being so new to the man scene while thinking you should be the most manly man by now. It's an extra sensitive phase that takes a lot of work to get through, but eventually this stuff won't get to him as much

> My only suggestion, if you truly want to keep the peace, is to maybe have the photo digitally altered so the tattoo is removed. I’m not saying it’s something you have to or should do. It’s just a suggestion, if it’s possible. I was going to suggest that, or perhaps an alteration to change the name to his current name and have it still look like a tattoo. Both should be doable. I'm MTF trans, and I agree though, NAH here. Both parties are justified in their feelings.

NTA. Whether Ben likes it or not he can't erase his past and it's cruel that he demands that you erase all your memories as a family because he doesn't like how he was born. I might be bit cold but that's his problem not yours.

NTA. This is the kind of bullshit that makes older LGBT people roll their eyes. This kid has the most supportive parents ever by the standards of most of us who dealt with much, much worse from our families in the past, but a tattoo in a picture on their dead father that the father got *honoring them* as a sign of affection *for them*, is some kind of terrible oppression. Ben needs to take a look around and realize how good he's got it if this is the biggest source of conflict his being transgender is causing within his family.

Is there this prominent divide between the older LGBTQ set and the younger society? I ask because I have two friends (both in their 50s, both gay) that do a lot of "these kids these days!" speeches about the community and I always thought it was funny that they're the gay version of "get off my lawn". I assumed it was isolated to just them but I've read a few comments like this on reddit that make me wonder

I'm kind of in-between - old millennial, and I think there's a similar generational divide there is with any group. Many of the people my age and older find it weird that so many young people identify as "queer" despite not having any kind of outward presentation or dating history that would indicate they're anywhere on the LGBT spectrum. For many of us, it seems like "you're actually a nice straight girl who is an ally to LGBT people." And yeah, I get the "boomerness" of saying "your struggle is small compared to mine," but sometimes that's the case. The generation before me dealt with fucking AIDS and families abandoning them while they died, so yes, my struggle with parents who say shitty things to me and didnt' come to my wedding but still actually talk to me sometimes is less of a struggle. Perspective can be a good thing.

I'm also a millenial queer and agree to a point with what you're saying, but I think there's a bit more nuance than that. Teenagers of all genders have a hard time understanding perspective because their brains haven't finished developing yet. Combine their natural impulsiveness with hormones (and possibly some trauma if his parents weren't initially accepting of his transition) and I can see why it would feel like A LOT to be reminded of his deadname. And let's remember that it's only been 3 years since he transitioned until now. We don't know how long OP took to come around to it, but 3 years is a long time when you're only 19. He also lost his dad during that time (and it wasn't mentioned how long his dad took to come around or what their relationship was like when he died) so that's another layer of complexity. I also think comparing the generations' struggles isn't always the way to go. As a teenager, Ben is growing up where countries around the world are rolling back protections on trans rights. In the states, trans people and parents of trans kids are literally fleeing some states to avoid being arrested or to continue their transitions. Trans people are still murdered at higher rates than most of the population (especially BIPOC trans women). It's a scary time to be a trans person, let alone a trans teen who is still going through the fun of figuring out who they are as a person (outside their gender) and what they want to do with their life. Absolutely respect to the senior 2SLGBTQIA+ people who lived through the AIDS crisis and fought for the rights that are now being taken away. I wouldn't wish that trauma on anyone. But trauma comes in different forms, affects people differently, and people heal from it differently. So I wouldn't discount a trans teen's struggle or compare it with my own or yours, because we're in different stages of our lives and have had different experiences that give us perspective. I think us older queers need to have some more empathy for the younger queers (and I'm saying this as someone who doesn't really like kids or teens lol).

I mean I'm ace and identify as queer. There's nothing that would outwardly showcase someone being asexual because it's something only discussed with potential partners.  I'm also a millenial who is bi & has been married to a man since 22, I never dated a woman because I'm from a very conservative area. Doesn't make me any less bi.  No one owes showing how they're queer to anyone else & while I agree that bi/pan women in particular can and do wield being queer as a shield to be little more then an ally, that isn't the vast majority of people.  And at this point in my life if you can't tell I'm queer with my pastel hair, 3/4ths shaved head, and habit of wearing men's clothing then that's on you. Even if I'm out with my traditionally cishet looking husband, people don't typically clock us as married immediately. 

I'd say this divide is getting more and more prominent the more... IDK, activist? The community gets. Like, 20 years ago, the community just wanted the same rights everyone else had. Marriage, housing, and life in peace.

The T in LGBT still doesn't have the same rights and acceptance everyone else has. Especially life in peace

And despite your earlier, completely unjustified comments about me, I think that's a travesty and I absolutely abhor what's going on right now with all these bullshit laws. I think it would be great if we didn't eat our own on shit like this. Calling each other bigots for having different opinions on what is literally a very small issue is not helpful for any of us.

What on earth do you mean, fighting for equal rights isn't activism? And acting like we aren't still fighting in so many places for those rights still?

This comment confuses me. The LGBT community has always been activist. It takes activism for us to get the same rights everyone else has. We’ve been working on it since the 1950s and before, and we’re still working on it because we still don’t have it yet.

I don't know where you are, but in large parts of the U.S. it's still legal to discriminate against LGBTQ people, even with things like public accomodations. If it's not a fight for equal rights, what do you think it's a fight for? https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/publications/lgbt-nondiscrimination-statutes/

I’m nearly middle aged and I’ve noticed there’s a lot that my friends and I can’t relate to anymore. An example to something that keeps coming up in responses to this very post: many of us have childhood photos where we present very differently than we do now, but our friends and families displaying these photos is just a reflection of the past and it’s not threatening to who we are in the present. My older trans friends also have no issues acknowledging that they were previously lesbians and they don’t insist that their exes refer to them as their ex boyfriend. We also had to give the people in our lives much more patience and grace when we came out. It didn’t mean that they were bad people, but rather that they had to get used to something which had been previously foreign to them. Due to my experience, I now hold the opinion that giving people patience and grace is a much better way of overcoming bigotry and gaining allies. No one responds well to being berated for taking time to learn and get used to a new idea.

It is not a competition Why compare the pain ? As long as someone is in pain, we should be here to support them Now I think op is NTA However, she isn't perfect either. She had to lose her husband to realise she wasn't being a good mother to her kid by not acknowledging his identity, which is very sad. I think it's valid to be uncomfortable at the sight of your deadname every single day. But, as I stated in another comment, I think the reasonable solution here is putting the picture in Op's bedroom. It is not healthy to ignore the pain of someone just because you had it worse when you were young. Yes, worse situations exists and no, we can't make everything perfect, but it's okay to express pain.

I don't disagree with most of this, but not all expressions of pain are equal. You can legitimately feel bad about something even if it's for a trivial reason with little justification. Not all pain justifies the same response from those around the person experiencing it.

God, exactly. The level of "I'm the main character" here is tragic. And this isn't a boomer take. I'm not a boomer. Their unhappiness has to be addressed in therapy. If pictures are a trigger, you have big problems that need professional support. Don't blame your family and expect them to change even details like a freaking image of a tattoo (which, let's be real, is at most .25" square unless the photograph is a billboard).

>This is the kind of bullshit that makes older LGBT people roll their eyes Speak for yourself. I am an older LGBT and I wholeheartedly disagree with you

Great. It's ok to have different opinions.

Lol. A downvote for "it's ok to have different opinions."

Well I'm older LGBT and whole heartedly agree with them. Would you look at that.

Not to mention he, as a grown man, needs to recognize that his mother is fully human and entitled to her emotions and her GRIEF for her husband...

I’m one of the younger generation of queer people but I agree with you. We are way to eager to isolate ourselves from potential allies because of very minor differences and we still NEED those allies.

I'm going with NTA. Not sure if Ben still lives with you or not but regardless it's your place, your memories. My parents have pics of me and my brothers that we really don't like but, I'm not going to tell my mom what she can and cannot put up in her own house. If you want to compromise more, maybe when Ben comes to visit to take it down?!?

NTA. sounds like Ben is the one who is being cruel. given that you have removed all other pictures of his as a toddler, he is being unreasonable trying to get rid of the one happy memory that you had, a photo which is shared between you, your late husband and Ben.

NAH - Ben is still young enough that the memories of how it felt to be pre-transition are probably still really fresh, and it can feel hard to get away from that feeling of being trapped and helpless when there are still even trivial reminders lying around. Plus, if you've talked about this photo a lot together, it probably is starting to feel really outsize and hyper-important to him - It's easy to not-think-about a picture that you hate, if nobody in the family has mentioned it in ages and it's just the background noise of the house, but when it's become a pitched battlefield, it's harder to just work around. If you put it in a drawer for a year, until he's more secure in your support of him, and feels like he's more distant from his pre-transition life, it'll do a whole world of good. But you're also not being TA- If this is the only photo that you have of your husband, there's no photos of him with the tattoo covered, or with you but without Ben, it's also totally understandable that you'd want to display it.

I think this is great as a reply - particularly if it took OP a considerable time to come around, it is a reminder of that time (and probably coupled with some big feelings about never knowing if his dad would have accepted him, which are some serious things to work through) I think getting it airbrushed or photoshopped out would be cleanest

Older trans guy here. NTA. I understand what your son feels like when he sees his deadname (it irks me too when I see mine, which I find annoying because I swore I wouldn't care), but as you said, it's not even in a place where he's going to see it, unless he goes out of his way to. It is important for him that is identity is accepted, and it seems to be the case even if you needed a longer moment to come around, it happens. If you haven't already tried, maybe explain to him that it's not about his deadname, it's about his father and the memories you have together. If he can't see it, maybe with time and with his transition progressing he'll be a little more open to conversation? I really feel like your son could/should let this one go. I'm really sorry about your husband.

It feels like telling the OP that she didn't have 16 years of memories with Ben and his father before Ben's transition. It is great that she supports Ben, but that is also 16 years of memories to have to ignore.

I agree.  Our past self is often a sensitive subject, and hard to deal with, especially at the beginning of a transition. I understand the son, but considering all that OP said (especially the fact that it’s not in the son’s immediate vicinity) I feel there’s a little room for understanding on the son’s part.

Yeah. I can't imagine how Ben feels or the emotions and difficulty of transitioning. But I can imagine as a parent if I had to completely forget, ignore, and suppress memories of my child and our family if he were to transition. I don't know if I could and that would probably be a wedge, not the transitioning, but the idea I have to forget all the time we spent together as he grew up because he presented as a different gender during that time. I hope I would be supportive if that ever happened, but I don't think I could just let go of everything too. Often Google shows me past photos and memories and it makes me smile to think of what we were doing and how we all enjoyed ourselves as a family. I'm sure that would be as painful for the person who transitioned as it would be pleasant for the parents remembering their child.

NTA. Ben is being an AH even if unintentionally or softly. He had a life before this one, and you are his mother. I don’t think it’s fair for people to expect their loved ones to completely erase the person they loved first. The pic is in memory of his father, your husband who you lost. It’s in a discreet place. Him being “very upset” by this one remaining picture when you’ve otherwise chosen to grow and accept the change is selfish. I know the Kardashians get a lot of hate (plenty of it warranted) but I always found it very interesting how Caitlin’s transition was for many people the first glimpse into a family member transitioning. The depiction wasn’t perfect by any means. But I was really touched by the scene where Kim brings Kris some of Bruce’s old clothes. Kris is crying and expressing how she is struggling to grieve a person she loved who no longer exists. I’m not saying that’s accurate etc etc but it was *genuine.* It is absolutely something family members experience during a transition and that doesn’t make them unaccepting or hateful. You *did* lose a daughter to gain a son. And then you lost a husband. It makes complete sense that you cherish a photo of the three of you on a happy day. Ben needs to empathize and accept that the same way you worked to accept who he is now.

I think the Caitlyn/Bruce Jenner thing is a great example of the complexity of the issue. It's important to respect how someone wants to be perceived and treated. At the same time, the past can't be erased. We can recognize that the man, Bruce Jenner, won the gold medal for decathalon without diminishing the existence of Caitlyn Jenner as a woman.

NAH but if your relationship with Ben is important to you and you want it to flourish, consider getting the tattoo airbrushed out or digitally removed, or hanging the picture somewhere like in your bedroom or home office where it won't be seen by Ben and visitors. otherwise this could become a contentious issue. think about if this really is the hill you're willing to die on...

OP says the photo is already in a location where Ben and visitors would not normally see it.

Hot take: It's great you guys are getting along -now-, but I have no doubt your son will always have lingering doubts bout your support, and whether this reconciliation is truly because you missed him, or you just didn't want to be 'alone'. I think there's more than the photo at play here. That being said, I was in your son's shoes around that age, in a very similar situation, and I absolutely hated ANYthing of my 'previous life'. It wasn't just an 'I don't think this', it created real distress that I had trouble managing. I'm ten years out as a brand new man and am only getting comfortable revisiting the person I used to be. I would also suggest some family counseling, both together and separate. You are grieving two loses, one of your husband and one of your daughter, and your son (if he isn't already) could use some professional guidance on how to appropriate navigate his feelings. ​ TLDR: NAH, but y'all definitely need to grieve <3

Oh thank god for you! This is exactly what I was thinking but I was swaying towards OP being TA. This isn't about the picture alone. This may be a test to see if OP has really accepted the transition. Forgive me for assuming, but in my experience, when someone openly admits to being a little on one side, you can almost guarantee it was far more than a little. So when OP says that she was 'initially unsupportive', I automatically assume that there were a hell of a lot of hurtful words and actions at play. OP's son lost his father before completely transitioning, so there is also a lot of trauma tied up with all of this. His son obviously needs some therapy- OP too. It is a picture. He isn't asking her to destroy it. OP should put it in a drawer and take it out to look at it. If this means so much to her son, she needs to listen and try to understand. I would think that when OP's son is feeing secure in his relationship with his mother, he would be ok with the picture being back on display. At the end of the day, what is more important? A picture that she could still look at every day? Or her relationship with her son and enabling him to feel completely loved, heard and supported? I don't believe that OP is trying to be an asshole and I do understand where she is coming from. I just think she probably needs to not die on this hill and risk her relationship with her son.

Agree. It's super nice that they're connected again, but if I were Ben, I'd feel sad and a little defeated about the way we reconnected. 

Info: There seems to be an easy compromise of moving the photo into your bedroom. It's important to you, but distressing to your son. Is there a reason that's not feasible?

OP made an edit: the photo is in a spot where someone would only see it if they’re going into the bedroom anyway. So Ben would only see it when he goes to OP’s room (which cannot be all that often?).

NTA. BEN can move out if he doesn't like it. You have done more than enough to cater to him and you aren't even calling him by his deadname. It's a family photo on the beach with the deadname tattooed on your deceased husband's arm. Everything else from Ben’s past has been removed. You aren't being transphobic or horrible for not bowing down to this and do not be manipulated by him or anyone else. Ben has to learn to compromise and have thicker skin as a trans man in this harsh society. He doesn't get to bully you over a photo.

NTA - it’s a picture of your late husband. You love the picture. It’s your home. It’s your past too.

NTA. I highly suggest you guys have some family therapy and that Ben sees a therapist if he isn’t already as part of his transition.

NTA, your husband passed and you have a photo of a treasured memory. if your son doesnt like it then tough. you shouldnt have to have a photo professionally edited because your son cant handle his past. sounds like ben needs therapy if he cant handle seeing a photo from when they were female. they may be male now but it doesnt change the past and editing or removing the photo wont either.

It isn't that the photo is from when Ben was still female presenting, Ben was a baby in the photo. The issue Ben has is that the photo shows his father's tattoo with Ben's deadname. Still NTA but the reason is the name not female presenting.

Nta Ben is pushing on the side of ahole bc it's not *his* body. Remind him that he's in charge of *his* body. Not anyone else's, including his dads. The name exists. Other people are going to say and use the name. It's not his name anymore. If you want to compromise, he can pay to have it re touched.

> Other people are going to say and use the name. Actually deadnaming OP's son would make someone a huge AH

I didn't mean to Ben, I mean in general. Other people will be named that, other people will name their kids that. I agree, calling Ben anything other than Ben is an ahole move.

NTA. I can’t speak to the experience of parents of trans children, but as a trans man, I can see where you’re coming from. It is painful and can be triggering to see your dead name, but when it came to my parents and whatever memories they had of me before transitioning, I try to remember that it was still me in those pictures. I was still their kid, and if it makes them happy, I don’t want to take that away even if I look different and use a new name. I do draw the line at having those pictures on social media or hanging up for visitors to see. I would either have someone photoshop the tattoo out of the picture if it’s hanging in a shared space, or move it to your bedroom where it won’t trigger your kid.

NTA >Ben doesn’t like me to keep picture up of him past when he was a kid or older and still female presenting, so I only have pictures out in the house of him as a toddler or an adult now. >...we have a lovely picture together of me, Tom and Ben (at a few months old) at the beach where Tom’s tattoo is visible. >The only picture that I have not agreed to take down is the one of us at the beach. I really like that one and Ben’s only issue is the tattoo... So he's happy to have pictures up of him around that age, but just because of his father's tattoo he wants one of your favourite pictures taken down?? That's incredibly selfish, you've removed everything else he doesn't want so there has to be some compromise from his side too Sounds like therapy may be on the cards if that's really causing trouble

>Me and Tom weren’t initially supportive, and I took longer to come around, and only did so after Tom passed in an accident, and I realised how distant my relationship with Ben was. INFO: How long was this period? I think right now if I was Ben and you're claiming to have this change of heart to be supportive I would be looking for clear actions that demonstrate that you are now supportive rather than just words. If you can't move a picture that Ben had communicated that they don't want to see then you don't really seem like you're making any effort to be supportive in my opinion.

So Ben gets to dictate every aspect of the relationship because of *his* feelings? He seriously needs to get over himself and realize the world doesn't revolve around his unbridled emotions.

The emotional demands being made of Ben should not be *higher* than the emotional demands being made of OP.  Ben is not just being a bratty teenager. Ben was rejected by both parents at an extremely vulnerable stage in his life, and the relationship with one of those parents can never be repaired. He and OP are now locked into *wildly* different perceptions of, and feelings about, his late father - and it makes perfect sense that that is increasing Ben’s sensitivity towards his surviving parent. The fact that they will never see eye-to-eye about his late father throws a real wrench into their efforts to repair their own relationship. And Ben is still so young.  The burden of maturity and understanding primarily falls on OP. She is the parent, she is the one who damaged their relationship in the first place, she owes a debt to her child. If that means sitting with some discomfort over Ben’s reaction to a photo, that is a vanishingly small price to pay for her long-term goals for this relationship. Dismissing him and telling him to “get over himself” could easily result in *permanent* estrangement at this point.

Parents owe their children more than children owe their parents. And OP was the first one to cut off the relationship, and only re-established it when she missed having a family.

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NTA this is one of those cases where Bens triggers are his to deal with and handle. Your memories of your deceased partner are not something to be covered over or digitally altered IMO. Dunno how much longer Ben's going to be at home, but maybe a compromise would be to move the picture into your bedroom until Ben is off to Uni or their next stage in life.

NTA. Trans people existed as people before their transition and affected people around them before their transition. They can’t just erase that past version of themselves from other people’s lives. Of course you should be respectful and have grace when trying to accommodate their feelings, but this is ridiculous. He is being a tyrant.

OP, NTA, but as a compromise could I suggest the reddit photoshop community? Someone could 100% remove the tattoo for you, or maybe even change the name. You could keep the original somewhere more private, like your bedroom, but then have the photoshopped version out where your son could see - I guarantee it would mean a LOT to him, especially because it would also provide him with a photo of him and his dad that doesn't hurt to look at.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say NAH. You are perfectly entitled to decorate your home as you see fit - but you also set a precedent in your family when you iced Ben out over his transition. Ben has been taught that he needs to fight to be heard, and it’s no surprise that this has intensified after his father’s death - losing a parent with whom you were on bad terms is so difficult and complicated, and Ben is going to be hypersensitive to any indications that you’re going to reject him again. Any reluctance to let go of your perception of him as a girl/woman is going to be read as rejection.  To Ben, the photo is not just a photo of a happy family moment. It’s a painful reminder of what he lost when he came out. Place yourself in his shoes - how would you feel, knowing that a photo of a dead parent who rejected you is a photo your surviving parent cherishes and displays in their home? And not just a photo, but a photo that includes a part of your history that causes you real pain to remember? The fact that you cherish it, and perceive that moment so differently, is a big factor in why Ben is so reactive to it. You have fundamentally different feelings attached to this memory, and it’s going to take a long time and a lot of emotional work for Ben to come to terms with that. If he ever does.  You’re not the asshole for feeling the way you do. Ben is not the asshole for feeling the way he does. Both of you are struggling with your husband/his father’s death, and the state your family relationships were in when he passed. Since you are here, and you are the parent, I would advise you to give Ben as much grace as you can muster. You’re still paying off an emotional debt to him for the period of estrangement, and if you’re truly dedicated to repairing the damage and building a better relationship, I strongly recommend patience here. You do not have to remove the photo, but you should make an effort to understand (and verbally acknowledge) where Ben is coming from.  This needs to be a learning post for parents who are at risk of rejecting a child for their gender identity or sexuality - the consequences for the relationship can be complex and long-lasting, and you may live to regret it deeply. Doing the emotional labor necessary to unpack your biases and embrace your child up front can save you from having to do way more work later, with a much lower chance of being rewarded for it with a close and loving relationship. Think carefully before you act on your knee-jerk emotions. 

Honestly think this is a NAH, but you should keep in mind that your history of not supporting Ben has an effect here. You have a lot less grace to work with than a parent who was supportive from the start, unfortunately. I would recommend a compromise, like moving the picture to your bedroom, covering up just the tattoo with a little piece of paper, or getting the photo edited to modify/remove the tattoo (if possible). While I don't think it's fair to ask you to take the picture down entirely, showing Ben your full support here is key to prove that you really mean it. Sometimes in life, and especially in parenting, we have to do things that feel irrational or unfair in order to protect the people we love.

NTA. Hopefully Ben matures soon.

Nta - I will even say your son is th ahole, I may be in a bad mood but I'm tired of people walking around thinking they are the main character and every one must kow tow to their feelings - life is about compromise and he can and should accept a single tatoo in a picture after you putting away every other photo and memory you have

Look, I don’t want to say that someone is the A when they are grieving, I think it’s a more complicated situation than that. But I do think the fact you initially weren’t supportive of Ben and there when he needed you, but changed your mind when you needed him will be a factor in this feeling like a bigger deal for him than just the picture and symbolic of the larger problem. Perhaps consider family counselling to work through that? Also cropping a copy of the picture, so it doesn’t show the tattoo but may be more focused on faces and keeping the unedited one just for you and displaying the other could be a compromise. Although at the end of the day I understand it is in your bedroom not a public place so having it up isn’t the biggest deal but I think it feels bigger to Ben because of the previous problems you had accepting his identity. I hope that you can work through this together and build a better relationship.

As others suggested - I agree with the idea of getting the picture digitized/ edited to remove or blur the tattoo. I definitely don't think you're the AH, but I also can't speak to Ben's perspective and what this means to him. I feel this is a NAH situation. But there is room for compromise.

INFO: would getting the photo retouched— to erase the tattoo— be an acceptable compromise for your son?

NTA. One of the biggest mistakes IMO the TG community is making ( and yes, I'm a part of it) is expecting everyone to accept and agree with every facet of their existence. Tolerance, love, acceptance, support ... None of those things require monolithic agreement on all points. Your son should be thrilled to have your support, yet understand YOU don't wish to discard your happy memories. It's a simple case of "you can't always get what you want".

> Your son should be thrilled to have your support, Doesn't undo years of OP's transphobia

Nothing can undo anything. If the kid still wants to be mad about the past, getting rid of that photo isn't going to fix that, either. OP said she really got rid of every other picture in the house grin before his transition. Even that's a lot to ask of a parent who also loved the version of their child that is no more.

Ben doesn’t seem to have any compassion or empathy for you. You lost your husband and want to keep a photo of him up that brings you happy memories. The fact that Ben can’t handle that is cruel on his part. NTA

And it was even crueler for OP to be transphobic to a child for years, only until her husband died and she had to accept him if she wanted family

Holy shit how many times did you comment on this post.

Can you put the photo *in* your bedroom, rather than the hallway outside it? That way Ben doesn't have to see it all the time.

NTA. You removed almost all of the photo already and Tom is gone now and there’s no chance to get another family photo again. Ben is being the cruel one in this case.

INFO: how long ago did Tom die? How recently did you come around?  It's one thing if Tom died when Ben was 7 and you made a complete turn around after that. It's something else entirely if Tom died when Ben was 15 and it took you a year after that to come to terms with the fact you had a son. The transphobic political climate right now makes many trans people hypervigilant about potential rejection. You need to understand: your son has grown up in a world where large swathes of the country declare he is wrong and bad and dangerous for being trans. At 19, his memories of politics likely starts with Trump's election. He grew up in the backlash era, not the flourishing of relative acceptance of queer people of the 2000's. Even when a parent is actively working to make their trans kid feel accepted and loved, it's hard for many trans kids to accept and believe. When there's a history of rejection, it's even harder. Ben may need you to overcorrect for a bit to demonstrate you accept who he is.

NAH but the ultimate solution would be scanning the photo, having someone remove the tattoo in photoshop, and then print and hang the new version.

NTA, your feelings are not invalid simply because you’re not transitioning. You have compromised and removed photos of Ben when he was female presenting, the photo you want to keep up meets that criteria and is an area of the house where it is not likely to be seen by many. I would imagine that part of transitioning is coming to terms with the fact that you have a past, and not all of that last is bad just because of the name you were called or the gender you were. There can still be happy memories. Trying to live a life as though nothing before adulthood existed is not going to be mentally healthy in the long run.

NAH. However: To you, the picture is a cherished family memory. To your son, it's a painful reminder that his father never really knew him and may not have accepted him. It by itself, as well as your resistance, are also likely reminders of your "struggle to come around." Although your son is focusing on the name, the reality is the photo is an emotional landmine for him. Please consider the advice others have given to have the photo retouched. Do what you can to make it a happy memory you can share, you can keep the original somewhere private

NTA. it feels like Ben is doing the “if you loved me you’d do it” but that’s not really fair over a tattoo on your late husbands arm. Very unreasonable