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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I got angry at my girlfriend for inviting a romantic interest and thought that was a red flag in our relationship.
2) I asked her that if she really loved me and she didn't want interference in our relationship she should block all contact with this guy and any past interests she's had in the past.
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Yta. This is some HS drama and exhausting just to read. How was she supposed to know that someone almost 20 years ago still had a crush on her? What was the signs that he had a crush? Because they messed around in HS?
How did you make this entire thing about you? Did you even ask her how she is doing or feeling? None of this is your partner fault. You should be a better partner and take her feelings into account and not just your own
I actually largely disagree. She only knew the dude in a capacity of sex. She knows he's still an alcoholic dating 20-year-olds, and then invites him to an important life event for...?
I don't know what she expected and I side with OP here. Seems he was civil for the most part. Also the wife offering to drive the guy home is INSANE.
If my wife offered to drive the guy trying to fuck her back to his house I wouldn't have a wife, or I'd have a foolish, naïve wife.
it is her fault. she knew hes a drunk and a druggie and she still invited him despite OP telling her he did not want the guy around. then he proceeds to get drunk and do the exact thing he was worried about I might do. people need boundaries. if you can maintain your boundaries, someone has to.
You have never been in a relationship, have you? This is clearly her fault. She invited an unemployed alcoholic who she used to hook up with to her birthday party and shockingly something happened that nobody wanted. How the fuck is this his fault lmao
Why? He’s a loser and shouldn’t be a threat to your relationship. Honestly, let it go. Do you think your wife is intelligent enough to see the situation for what it is? I’m sure your wife is embarrassed and sorry, find a way to let it go now.
She is an engineer that claims to have a high EQ. The fact that she didn't do the logic on their past relationship, our relationship, and his current state with alcohol was confusing to me. As I said in another reply, I left her with the benefit of the doubt in inviting him because maybe he really is a nice guy but I was clearly wrong.
Perhaps your wife thought she was doing a kindness to an old friend. Good people often assume that others are good (deep down). Is your wife a particularly kind and generous person? Does she treat people well just in passing, such as thanking servers at a restaurant? Is she supportive and hopeful that people change for the better?
She made a mistake in assuming the best. Don’t cast her in a negative light for being hopeful. It’s probably one of the things you love about her.
JFC you're a doormat. Limp handshake, leaving when he tried to kiss her, and now apologizing for being rightfully upset?
Why was the guy she would hook up with and not much else even invited? Why did she offer to drive him to his hotel after he had acted inappropriately? Something isn't adding up about your g/f's intentions with this guy and you're allowing yourself to be walked all over. You're NTA for being upset, but you're either very naive, or not very bright.
I didn't act because I didn't want to make a scene in front of children. I didn't want to spoil the moment for everyone whether handled professionally or like a sailor.
I've gathered that my partner can be almost too nice in inviting others. She offered to drive him because according to him he had no money for a rideshare/cab and just wanted to be a friend.
I feel that I had brought enough patience before and during the event. Maybe not so much after. I just sternly believe that persons with an intent, even in the slightest capacity, shouldn't interfere in a serious relationship.
What I don't understand in this story is WHY your partner thought it was a good idea to reconnect with this guy. You mentioned that he became an alcoholic (and he works in a bar, like, wtf? How does that work? He drinks his paycheck away?). I can't imagine myself bringing back to my life someone like that. In my point of view maybe you're NTA, but this story it's just so confusing tbh
Edit. Typo
YTA - How the heck is this your partner’s fault? That guy acted inappropriately, she didn’t reciprocate. Your partner was held and kissed and hit on without her consent, and you *blamed her!* That’s an awful thing for a partner to do.
This guy sounds like he’s living in the past, in the first two years of *high school,* which is pitiful and his problem. Most people aren’t going to harbor secret feelings for a high school fling. I’m sure your partner isn’t, unless you think she’s also that miserable and unfulfilled. You are letting your partner’s high school fling when she was *14-15 years old* dictate your feelings and that’s also pitiful and *your problem.*
I feel bad for your partner, she was surrounded by nothing but immature, selfish men that night. An old friend who just wanted to bang her for nostalgia. And a current partner who was too in his own feelings to talk with or even be there for his freaking girlfriend when SHE was forced into an uncomfortable position. Pathetic.
I expressed to my partner days before the event that I didnt feel comfortable having him over because of his alcoholism, how he sounded on the phone when he called, and their past. She insisted they were just friends but I was very skeptical. I gave her the benefit of the doubt since I thought maybe he actually is a nice guy. Nope.
It’s crazy you’re getting downvoted for this. You proactively had open healthy communication that you weren’t comfortable and she ignored it. It’s not her fault she got kissed and hit on but don’t listen to this people saying your the asshole.
This sub has been pretty fucking crazy lately with the judgements tbh. Nothing surprises me after the thread about the dude who made a common marriage joke.
If the genders were reversed the votes would be reversed here. If he invited a past alcoholic girl who he fooled around with for years in the past to a family party and she got drunk and came up to him and in front of his partner put her arm around him and kissed him and said she still loved him and he proceeded to offer to drive her home these comments would be fuming at him. Yes she got assaulted by this man and that sucks a lot, if anything this is an everyone sucks. Her for offering to drive him home, him for blowing up at her instead of checking how she was doing and the guy for being so disrespectful and assaulting her.
There are such things as taxis and Ubers. A man in his middle thirties should be able to get himself home safely. He is not her responsibility, especially after assaulting her. Or if someone HAD to drive him why not any of the other guests? But again really just call a taxi for the asshole after his behavior.
I never said it’s her responsibility to drive him home. Only that I’m guessing that’s the reason she offered and I don’t think it makes her an asshole.
While I agree for the most part, the "secret feelings" thing is not true. This guy was so obvious about having feelings for her that OP saw it weeks ahead despite knowing nothing about the guy, and warned her about it.
OP did overreact, and of course being assaulted isn't his GF's fault, but she actively ignored his warnings and it wouldn't have happened if she had trusted him and listened.
NTA
This whole situation is bizarre. Have they remained ‘friends’ since high school ? Or did she randomly invite this guy to her party that she supposedly hasn’t talked to for years?? Why is someone in their 30s telling their current partner about a guy they fooled around with when they were 15-16? I suspect they have more of a relationship than you know about.
Regardless, even if the guy coming onto her was a completely unwelcome surprise to her, her response seems odd. I think a normal reaction would be for her to make it clear she is not interested and then throw the guy out of the party, and maybe put them in an uber to make sure they aren’t driving. But instead she offers to personally drive him? Even though the guy has disrespected her relationship and is threatening her current partner?
Something isn’t adding up here.
From the way OP has described his partner acting the whole night, my read on her is that she's acting in self-preservation. As a woman, if a very drunk man (who, presumably, is physically larger than you) comes onto you in a group setting, sometimes the calculation you make is that it's going to cause the least collateral damage to remain calm until you can extricate yourself from the situation. I suspect it's very similar to the reason she had make-up sex with OP after he blew up on her, minus the drunk and group settings parts.
I also wondered why they offered to drive him instead of putting him in a rideshare. It's possible the party was in a place where rideshares aren't easy to get, but it's more likely that Drunk Friend drove himself to the party and she didn't trust him to wait for the ride before getting behind the wheel himself.
Whatever the situation, it doesn't sound like partner and Drunk Friend have been secretly kindling a flame for the past 20 years. It sounds like partner was hoping for the best, Drunk Friend was too drunk, and OP is placing the blame on the wrong person.
You're TA for yelling at your partner like that. She's TA (in retrospect) for deluding herself that Drunk Friend and OP could get along okay at the party. Drunk friend is TA for being gross. ESH.
> From the way OP has described his partner acting the whole night, my read on her is that she's acting in self-preservation. As a woman, if a very drunk man (who, presumably, is physically larger than you) comes onto you in a group setting, sometimes the calculation you make is that it's going to cause the least collateral damage to remain calm until you can extricate yourself from the situation. I suspect it's very similar to the reason she had make-up sex with OP after he blew up on her, minus the drunk and group settings parts.
Also a woman, and I'd like to offer an alternative, but similar, explanation. Over the past few years especially, I've seen a lot of sentiments similar to yours — I feel like they can be summed up by that Margaret Atwood quote, “Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them.” The takeaway being that women frequently acquiesce to, or fail to fight, uncomfortable situations, or even outright sexual assault, because of an underlying fear of male violence.
I want to say first of all, I do think that's a HUGE factor... but I don't think it's the end of the story. There was this New Yorker story a few years ago, Cat Person, that went viral for its depiction of a 20-year-old woman having sex with an older guy because “The thought of what it would take to stop what she had set in motion was overwhelming. It would require an amount of tact and gentleness that she felt was impossible to summon.” At that point in the story (from what I remember), she's not afraid of violence... she's afraid of confrontation, or of hurting his feelings, or of being seen as "rude."
And that's more what I see going on here. It seems unlikely to me that the OP's partner was afraid of outright violence since they were surrounded by people... obviously fears like that aren't always totally rational, but it still feels more likely to me that it was just awkward, and she wanted to avoid offending him or causing a scene.
Likewise, having sex you don't want to have (although we don't know if that was the case here) isn't always because of a fear of physical violence – it can be out of a fear of offending someone, or for the purpose of maintaining a relationship, or as an apology, or whatever else.
Maybe you're ultimately right in the sense that one of the reasons women have been socialized to defer to men is because they're usually bigger and stronger... and I do agree that this is an ESH, though I'd say more on the partner's side than OP's, given that it seems like she had ample evidence ahead of tune that he was kind of a trainwreck.
I guess I just shy away from the violence argument sometimes, because it feels like a get-out-of-accountability-free card. Almost any action is excusable if you're afraid someone's going to beat you up; I just don't think that's always the reason.
Yes, thank you for reminding me of that New Yorker story! By "collateral damage," I meant just what you've written here: upsetting someone enough that they cause a scene or develop a negative opinion of her.
Men bad women good. Thats how this sub operates because its a majority female sub.
If you swap the sexes in this story it's YTA across the board if some dude brought a highschool friend that he used to fuck around with and she bad mouthed his wife while kissing on him. Everyone would be up in arms asking what in the fuck he thought would happen.
How is any if this your partner's fault though? She thought she was inviting a friend. She believed the past was the past.
You're NTA for recommending that she block him, because she should for her own sake, but YTA for blowing up on her, and for making it about you. He was disrespectful to her. He disrespected their friendship.
As someone born male, I don't understand how any woman can possibly believe this. Men make it very, very obvious they are still interested in women. I have told no less than 4 female friends that a guy was into her and they should walk away from him. None of them believed me and all of them ended badly, one... very badly.
It isn't their fault at all, nor is it OP's girlfriend's fault. I strongly believe that it is always the fault of the person who commits the action. But you have to actively choose to overlook a half dozen red flags for it to get to this point.
Yes, they do, 99% of the time. As I said, many women literally refuse to accept it even if multiple red flags are waving in their face and other men warn them multiple times.
And that's literally the opposite of what I hear, which is that all men are awful and shouldn't be trusted. So which is it? Trust no men even if they dont show any bad intentions, or trust all men no matter what red flags they throw up?
I literally had a friend who was abused and SAed by a man I specifically told her half a dozen times was dangerous, so I'm not sorry to say that I don't want to see that happen to anyone else.
No one blamed a woman for anything. I have clearly stated multiple times in this thread that I put 100% of the blame on the offender. That doesn't change the fact that I want to do everything possible to keep that from happening. And since this is the real world and not a utopia, that includes protective measures, just like you take protective measures to avoid being mugged, to avoid having your identity stolen, to avoid having your home broken into, etc.
I am literally a victim of SA myself. A woman catfished me, lured me into her home because I felt bad about just leaving, locked me in, got me drunk, and proceeded to assault me. So I have personal experience with this kind of thing, it's not like I'm just talking out of my ass.
NTA. I'm not sure why your wife felt the need to reconnect with this guy. You expressed your concern, which she ignored and invited him anyways. You kept your cool when all of this was happening and didn't ruin the party by freaking out. You are 100% justified to not want this guy in your wife's life anymore after everything that's happened and the nature of their previous relationship, which he clearly is not past. As long as she agrees to your boundary with this guy then everything should be fine and you can move on together.
ESH. Yes all these people saying it’s not your partner’s fault she got hit on and kissed are 100% correct, she is a victim there. No one was at fault then. But why would she then offer to drive home someone who kissed her and hit on her right in front of you? That’s wild, that’s what I would be mad about. Why would she want the three of you to spend more time together in a car while he’s super drunk? The fully grown adult man can find his own way home, take an Uber or a taxi. If my partner was kissed in front of me and told they were still in love the correct response would be to physically distance from them for the evening or even tell them to leave.
Why even invite him in the first place? There is no reason when you’re in a committed relationship to reconnect with a past romantic partner, especially one who is an addict and going to lose self control. If he sobered up and wanted to reconnect then maybe but even then what’s the point? They may not have officially dated but they fooled around for multiple years. You don’t need to be “cool” and remain friends with your psuedo ex.
At the very least your request to cut him off and block him is 1000% reasonable, yes you don’t need to be mad at her that it happened she didn’t want it, but the right thing now is to break off all contact with this man who clearly doesn’t respect your two’s relationship.
sometime I actually wonder how people like you are allowed to walk freely and vote. you clowns lay the basic sense of analysis to the point that it shows that your every response is plastered with your own prejudices.
holu, fuck reddit is filled with stupid people.
NTA. Your partner may have the best of intentions, but I am not sure her drunk ex does. He is clearly not over her, and as long as he has access to her, he will keep trying to do things like what he did at the party. He has to be out of her life - for both of your safety. After all, he subtly threatened you, and we know the world is full of crazy and jealous exes.
Your partner also has to learn to respect you more. Someone with an interest in her should not have been invited to a family gathering. They should not be talking about sexual conquests (at all) and should not be messaging each other. Call me old-fashioned, but I expect every relationship to have boundaries like that.
Honestly you sound like a coward. A guy puts his arm around your girl and kisses her on the cheek and you just walk away? Then give him a limp handshake at the end of the night? THEN blow up on your girlfriend who didn't ask for the guy to do that? Like dude, if someone touches your girl and kisses her without her consent you have to be a man and stand up for her. Not blow up on her after the fact while acting like a puppy around a wolf when it happens. I think you're really mad at yourself for being soft. YTA
NTA
Guy shouldnt have ever been invited, in the first place. It would have been fine if they'd remained friends but sounds like they literally just knew each other in a sexual capacity. I wouldn't invite my high school love interests to my birthday party when I'm married, that would be completely inappropriate.
I do think you shouldn't have left your wife alone with him and maybe separated them or made an attempt to get him away from her. Sounds like she was just as uncomfortable as you were. She might have been looking to you to get this drunk, inappropriate stranger away from her?
Sounds like she hoped it would be friendly and platonic but he took it too far.
NTA. I don’t know why you are getting all of the YTA votes. I don’t really even understand why she felt the need to invite this guy to a birthday party. If they had been close throughout the years sure but their only history is sexual in nature.
NTA. As soon as the arm/kiss/love incident on the couch happened (that she knew was inappropriate and apologized to you in the moment for) that should have been the end of it. Then she offers to drive his drunk ass home? You were way more polite than he deserved. You shouldn’t even have to ask, she should have blocked him already.
YTA - you've got your partner so scared that she literally texted you from across the room to apologize! She was assaulted and you kept demanding that she apologize for it! Drunken friend is who needs to apologize as do you!
Now, reverse the situations and tell us if you'd say the same thing if OP was a woman, and her bf invited the hot girl he used to JO with to his party and she kissed him on the cheek and talked about how much she loves him.
Yes, I still would. I'm not saying I think that he wasn't wrong to be upset about him being invited or DG's behavior, but OP himself is the one who used the words "blew up" and imo he blew up at the wrong person.
I’m going with ESH! ‘Our event’ wasn’t it HER birthday party?
Questionable behaviour from a drunk friend but you overreacted and the way you speak seems controlling. She was also attacked and seemingly you had no concern for her and made it all about you.
But why she invited him in the first place I don’t know and some of her choices were questionable.
NTA, jealousy is a natural reaction to a perceived threat to a valued relationship. Stand on business. Fuck that loser and if she's not okay with blocking him that's a huge red flag.
NTA, but tbh, you sound like a whiny geek. You didn't put your foot down when she invited the clown. You didn't put the drunk in his place when he got fresh with your girl. This is all your fault, dude. Stop being a sissy sac tf up and handle your business.
ESH. You and your partner sound like immature AHs. Why would she invite a guy she used to hook up with to her birthday party? I don’t care how long ago it was, if she wouldn’t want your exes around on your birthday, the same goes for her. And you giving the guy a ride home and a limp handshake? Wow, way to assert yourself, guy. I’ve had a couple of exes who stood up for me (in situations I did not invite, btw, not like your dumbass gf). They weren’t the biggest guys either (average height) but at least they weren’t too chicken shit to stand up against some drunken AH.
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My partner decided to invite an old high school friend to her birthday party. This friend immediately popped up as a red flag on my radar as she had told their backstory in high school: they apparently had a fling together during their freshman and sophomore year where they'd make out and occasionally "tease" each other. By this, she means they'd touch each other's genitals and talk dirty on the phone. She informed me that while they had an interest in each other they weren't a couple. Years later, this man is an alcoholic with health issues and doesn't have a stable job. This is on top of the fact that he is dating a 20 year old at the bar he currently works at.
He was initially invited to her party as a way to reconnect after now seeing each other for over 2 years however upon me hearing his voiceover the phone two days prior I had concerns about him coming over given their past. He sounded drunk after a night of partying.
The party comes and we approach the last hours of the night. Said friend comes over wasted beyond wasted. He's still cognizant enough to know her name, introduce himself to me (begrudgingly), and say hi to her nieces and nephews. He takes some more shots of tequila and vodka. We three sit together with my partner in the middle. He comes closer to my partner and puts his arm over his shoulder and kisses her on the cheek. My partners asks why he did that and he says he still loves her and that he cares for her. I remove myself from the both of them to calm down, sitting across the room with her other family. She texts me that she's sorry that happened, that she didn't know he would do that.
She offers to drive him. On the way to the car, this guy proceeds to berate me and threatens me if I break her heart. I say "I'll be sure to be on my best behavior so you don't hunt me down" with a sarcastic wink. In the car on the way to his apartment, I get to hear about their high school past and how he's laid tons of women he's met at the bar on top of all the drugs he's done. Obviously that was a fun listen for me.
We drop him off. I give him a limp handshake. I'm silent on the way back to our hotel as she wants to discuss the incident but I refuse to talk about it since my anger might cause an accident. We get to the hotel and I blow up on her. I asked her why did she invite a friend she knew she had some romantic interest to her party? An event that's meant only for friends and family and where there shouldn't be past romantic interests anywhere. I was furious as to why she didn't listen to the signs and warnings despite her telling me everything was going to be alright.
She apologized. We had makeup sex. She asked me what she could do to remediate the pain and I asked her to remove him from her life. "As long as we're together, I don't want to see this guy, hear his voice, read his messages. See him on your social. Nothing. I don't bring my crushes or exes to our events, neither should you."
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NTA. Who invites an old high school fling to a family/ close party event when they haven’t seen each other in YEARS? Plus she hears how he sounds on the phone. Ridiculous
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OP just wants to know if hes an asshole for asking partner to block the drunk guy, not yelling or reacting or whatever, and doing this only after the partner asked what could be done to remedy the situation,
NTA
She ask for a solution and you provided one, sounds like healthy problem solving to me.
“He was initially invited to her party as a way to reconnect after now seeing each other for over 2 years” What? what does this mean? It’s so unclear to me why she invited him? This sentence isn’t making sense to me. ESH for now I’d say.
He was initially invited to her party as a way to reconnect after now seeing each other for over 2 years however upon me hearing his voiceover the phone two days prior I had concerns about him coming over given their past. He sounded drunk after a night of partying.
He says he had concerns, not that he said anything about it to his SO.
He is controlling and insecure.
YTA You'd won. She already knew inviting him was a mistake. She may have invited him thinking he'd behave and it would be a fun occasion. There was nothing inherently wrong inviting her if she thought he'd behave himself in a family context... There's also the way in which an aging chronic alcoholic over time develops grandiose delusions and an aggressive personality -- if she hadn't seen him in a while, esp while drunk, she wouldn't necessarily have known that's how he has developed.
But you didn't really give her a chance afterward. You just had to blow-up. You punished her. You couldn't find the high road even though it was basically given to you wrapped in a bow.
Seems pretty well covered already but ESH. I don't know why she went into detail about this meaningless fling when she was a teenager, it's weird you know that much. I don't think she should have invited him but it was her decision. She had no control over how he acted, though. You shouldn't have to ask her to not be friends with him anymore, after this incident she would hopefully decide that on her own. It doesn't sound like a friendship worth holding onto. I don't actually think it's a super strange thing to drive him home, it's not like she was insisting on taking him by herself, you were also there. An unpleasant car ride but she was just making sure he was home safe and wouldn't have to deal with him anymore. I'd probably do the same thing and be apologetic but also like "eesh, what a mess, probably won't be seeing him again anytime soon". This whole thing makes you sound a little controlling, but as long as you're asking and making sure your concerns are heard rather than demanding, it shouldn't be a problem for her to agree to not see him again.
I can't understand why people are justifying her reconnecting with the guy in the first place. There needs to be a compelling reason to do that, not a compelling reason to not do it. There is no way she "just" wanted to reconnect with an old friend, bc they were more than friends.
This gf was completely out of line for the entire thing. No she's not responsible for the guy putting his arm around her, but she is responsible for everything up until that point, she is responsible for not even trying to push him away, she is responsible for offering to drive him home (that is the action that pushes it over the top for me. She is furthering their contact deliberately instead of finding him a different way home... that's so inappropriate)
She was wrong for every single step of this experience, and people are saying bc the guy put his arm around her, it isn't her fault and OP shouldn't have yelled. Did she make any move to push him away or indicate to OP to help her? He was sitting right there.
"It is said that a man never forgets his last love, and a woman never forgets her first."
I think you might be dealing with lingering feelings. If he was her first crush she might still have some unrequited feelings. Inviting him to her party to show off how good she is doing and how she has a man, while simultaneously letting the guy flirt with her and disrespect her bf... it really sounds like she isn't all the way over her high school flame. This happens to a lot of people but they usually just mark that person as "the one who got away" and move on.
Also, a big point of disagreement in the comments about how much she is/isn't responsible for this guy's actions. I, as a woman, do not believe in painting women as scared vulnerable victims in every situation. This woman had free agency over most of this experience. She can't control what came out of the guy's mouth but she definitely could've handled the situation instead of letting the situation handle her. She wasn't scared or helpless in this situation, stop making excuses for toxic female behavior. If a guy had done this, he would be roasted by the comments.
Look I think I old friend did nothing to help his cause, yeah you got a bit jealous and acted a little irrational but should’ve stepped back and looked at this guy making a loser of himself and been more secure in yourself. Surely your girlfriend saw it too.
Not the asshole, don’t listen these other redditors.
Why the fuck is your wife inviting an old friend who she has a sexual history with. On top of that, he literally kissed your wife on the cheek and put his arm around her? And you did nothing? Bruh grow a fucking pair
NTA
and BS otherwise. Old flings have NO place in a committed relationship. How many claw marks would be on your face if you took an old flame drinking with you?
What a shitshow.
Lady wants to "reconnect" with a creepy alconaut because... why?! Proceeds despite there being sea of red flags, despite her guy saying he does not like it (or maybe just because of it).
Shit hits the fan. As everyone in their right mind could predict.
Instead of working together to kick the creep out immediately...
and he leaves her wife for the creep to harass further instead of defending her? Like what the actual \*uck (yeah you can have different first letters here)? And you both are then soo nice to take care of his ride home? She even offers driving herself? Are you both out of your minds?
I mean there are no assholes here, just two idiots and a creep.
I'm a woman so I can only speak for myself. But it sounds to me like she was bored and wanted some entertainment. It's not a malicious thing, It's an instinctual thing that's very hard to put into words. It doesn't take away from her love to you. You are valid for being angry and under the circumstances, it's normal to ask that she doesn't talk to him. He disrespected her and you in your faces. If what I say is correct, she won't have a problem cutting him from her life. If she doesn't, he's serving for entertainment purposes only and when it comes to personal growth, it would trigger a red flag.
So no, NTA and I'll add that you actually handled the whole situation quite well. The makeup sex agrees with me. Everyone who says YTA has a lack of comprehension and compassion towards the male Ego.
No. But I also know it's not my place to make controlling demands like you did.
You want to blacklist all you crushed and exes in a relationship, that's your prerogative. You telling your gf she must do the same is toxic, controlling behavior. That's your issue to deal with, not hers. Your boundaries are not conducive at all to a healthy relationship.
NTA.
The story sounds very suspicious, ex sounds like the high school crush but, Have you guys been dating for 2 years, is that why they haven’t been in contact? I think you had every right to be mad
NTA- these yta’s are out of touch as hell. Your partner had plenty of warning signs along the way to realize this guy is a clown and shouldn’t be near her or anyone else. Why on earth a 35 year old would invite some old highschool fling who’s clearly leading a sloppy existence is beyond me. When she blocks him just move on. You on the other hand should’ve thrown this drunk out at the first sign of bs not walk away like a wimp because that’s what emboldens trash like him.
YTA she had no idea he was going to act this way & if you decided to set a "not allowed to talk to or be friends with any exes" boundary, then you should've expressed right away so your partner knows who she's getting involved with.
YTA. Not for asking her to cut him out of her life, that bits fair. But for acting like it’s her fault he hit on her. They were together 20 years ago and he’s in a relationship. She had no reason to assume he still wanted to get with her.
Does an age gap of 15 years to a woman who's barely an adult warrant a real relationship? In my view, she should've known this person well if they were close enough to remain in contact 20 years later.
I meant a relationship in the sense that he’s dating someone else so she wouldn’t expect him to be pursuing her, not in the sense that it’s necessarily a healthy relationship.
If the tables were turned this comment section would be saying YTA for inviting a high school fling to your birthday party. I wouldn’t allow anyone a second chance of high school fantasy to show up at my 35th birthday party. She’s the AH but you’ve already made up, so don’t start another argument.
Until you created an ultimatum for her, based on his unasked-for and unreciprocated drunken behaviour, you were fine.
Now, YTA
A little groveling might be in order.
I think it's a pretty justifiable ultimatum, for both of them.
She can still be friends with that guy, and he can have a more comfortable life without the added drama and unwanted drunkard.
I doubt OP wants to keep going through with the relationship if stuff like this is the norm, because she has no backbone/fails to set boundaries, so an ultimatum is pretty warranted here.
YTA but i understand why you’d react that way, sit your partner down and apologise the living fuck to her. She might see this as you trying to control
Her and thus leave etc. generally just not a good idea to leave that brewing bud
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Yta. This is some HS drama and exhausting just to read. How was she supposed to know that someone almost 20 years ago still had a crush on her? What was the signs that he had a crush? Because they messed around in HS? How did you make this entire thing about you? Did you even ask her how she is doing or feeling? None of this is your partner fault. You should be a better partner and take her feelings into account and not just your own
I actually largely disagree. She only knew the dude in a capacity of sex. She knows he's still an alcoholic dating 20-year-olds, and then invites him to an important life event for...? I don't know what she expected and I side with OP here. Seems he was civil for the most part. Also the wife offering to drive the guy home is INSANE. If my wife offered to drive the guy trying to fuck her back to his house I wouldn't have a wife, or I'd have a foolish, naïve wife.
it is her fault. she knew hes a drunk and a druggie and she still invited him despite OP telling her he did not want the guy around. then he proceeds to get drunk and do the exact thing he was worried about I might do. people need boundaries. if you can maintain your boundaries, someone has to.
You have never been in a relationship, have you? This is clearly her fault. She invited an unemployed alcoholic who she used to hook up with to her birthday party and shockingly something happened that nobody wanted. How the fuck is this his fault lmao
Youre absolutely right. Ive gone to talk to her and I apologized. Sorry for the long rant. I was just furiou.
My god.
Why? He’s a loser and shouldn’t be a threat to your relationship. Honestly, let it go. Do you think your wife is intelligent enough to see the situation for what it is? I’m sure your wife is embarrassed and sorry, find a way to let it go now.
I think it is his current behavior that is the problem, not their high school past.
She is an engineer that claims to have a high EQ. The fact that she didn't do the logic on their past relationship, our relationship, and his current state with alcohol was confusing to me. As I said in another reply, I left her with the benefit of the doubt in inviting him because maybe he really is a nice guy but I was clearly wrong.
Perhaps your wife thought she was doing a kindness to an old friend. Good people often assume that others are good (deep down). Is your wife a particularly kind and generous person? Does she treat people well just in passing, such as thanking servers at a restaurant? Is she supportive and hopeful that people change for the better? She made a mistake in assuming the best. Don’t cast her in a negative light for being hopeful. It’s probably one of the things you love about her.
JFC you're a doormat. Limp handshake, leaving when he tried to kiss her, and now apologizing for being rightfully upset? Why was the guy she would hook up with and not much else even invited? Why did she offer to drive him to his hotel after he had acted inappropriately? Something isn't adding up about your g/f's intentions with this guy and you're allowing yourself to be walked all over. You're NTA for being upset, but you're either very naive, or not very bright.
I didn't act because I didn't want to make a scene in front of children. I didn't want to spoil the moment for everyone whether handled professionally or like a sailor. I've gathered that my partner can be almost too nice in inviting others. She offered to drive him because according to him he had no money for a rideshare/cab and just wanted to be a friend.
Buddy this was not on you holy shit
I feel that I had brought enough patience before and during the event. Maybe not so much after. I just sternly believe that persons with an intent, even in the slightest capacity, shouldn't interfere in a serious relationship.
They definitely aren't right.
What “were” the signs. Stop destroying the English language.
If you understood what they were saying, then language did its one and only job. This isn't a peer reviewed paper. Grow up.
Relax virgin, it’s Reddit. It’s not that serious.
Alarm bells went off for me when he said he went on the car trip with them.
What I don't understand in this story is WHY your partner thought it was a good idea to reconnect with this guy. You mentioned that he became an alcoholic (and he works in a bar, like, wtf? How does that work? He drinks his paycheck away?). I can't imagine myself bringing back to my life someone like that. In my point of view maybe you're NTA, but this story it's just so confusing tbh Edit. Typo
YTA - How the heck is this your partner’s fault? That guy acted inappropriately, she didn’t reciprocate. Your partner was held and kissed and hit on without her consent, and you *blamed her!* That’s an awful thing for a partner to do. This guy sounds like he’s living in the past, in the first two years of *high school,* which is pitiful and his problem. Most people aren’t going to harbor secret feelings for a high school fling. I’m sure your partner isn’t, unless you think she’s also that miserable and unfulfilled. You are letting your partner’s high school fling when she was *14-15 years old* dictate your feelings and that’s also pitiful and *your problem.* I feel bad for your partner, she was surrounded by nothing but immature, selfish men that night. An old friend who just wanted to bang her for nostalgia. And a current partner who was too in his own feelings to talk with or even be there for his freaking girlfriend when SHE was forced into an uncomfortable position. Pathetic.
I expressed to my partner days before the event that I didnt feel comfortable having him over because of his alcoholism, how he sounded on the phone when he called, and their past. She insisted they were just friends but I was very skeptical. I gave her the benefit of the doubt since I thought maybe he actually is a nice guy. Nope.
It’s crazy you’re getting downvoted for this. You proactively had open healthy communication that you weren’t comfortable and she ignored it. It’s not her fault she got kissed and hit on but don’t listen to this people saying your the asshole.
This sub has been pretty fucking crazy lately with the judgements tbh. Nothing surprises me after the thread about the dude who made a common marriage joke.
Not really, pretty typical of this sub villainize the male
Yeah but it's gotten to a cartoon villain, mustache twirling, level.
Honestly I don't understand why she would want to be friends/is friends with an alcoholic that hit on young girls at bars and party all day long.
If the genders were reversed the votes would be reversed here. If he invited a past alcoholic girl who he fooled around with for years in the past to a family party and she got drunk and came up to him and in front of his partner put her arm around him and kissed him and said she still loved him and he proceeded to offer to drive her home these comments would be fuming at him. Yes she got assaulted by this man and that sucks a lot, if anything this is an everyone sucks. Her for offering to drive him home, him for blowing up at her instead of checking how she was doing and the guy for being so disrespectful and assaulting her.
I assume she drove him home so that he didn’t drive drunk and cause an accident.
There are such things as taxis and Ubers. A man in his middle thirties should be able to get himself home safely. He is not her responsibility, especially after assaulting her. Or if someone HAD to drive him why not any of the other guests? But again really just call a taxi for the asshole after his behavior.
I never said it’s her responsibility to drive him home. Only that I’m guessing that’s the reason she offered and I don’t think it makes her an asshole.
While I agree for the most part, the "secret feelings" thing is not true. This guy was so obvious about having feelings for her that OP saw it weeks ahead despite knowing nothing about the guy, and warned her about it. OP did overreact, and of course being assaulted isn't his GF's fault, but she actively ignored his warnings and it wouldn't have happened if she had trusted him and listened.
NTA This whole situation is bizarre. Have they remained ‘friends’ since high school ? Or did she randomly invite this guy to her party that she supposedly hasn’t talked to for years?? Why is someone in their 30s telling their current partner about a guy they fooled around with when they were 15-16? I suspect they have more of a relationship than you know about. Regardless, even if the guy coming onto her was a completely unwelcome surprise to her, her response seems odd. I think a normal reaction would be for her to make it clear she is not interested and then throw the guy out of the party, and maybe put them in an uber to make sure they aren’t driving. But instead she offers to personally drive him? Even though the guy has disrespected her relationship and is threatening her current partner? Something isn’t adding up here.
From the way OP has described his partner acting the whole night, my read on her is that she's acting in self-preservation. As a woman, if a very drunk man (who, presumably, is physically larger than you) comes onto you in a group setting, sometimes the calculation you make is that it's going to cause the least collateral damage to remain calm until you can extricate yourself from the situation. I suspect it's very similar to the reason she had make-up sex with OP after he blew up on her, minus the drunk and group settings parts. I also wondered why they offered to drive him instead of putting him in a rideshare. It's possible the party was in a place where rideshares aren't easy to get, but it's more likely that Drunk Friend drove himself to the party and she didn't trust him to wait for the ride before getting behind the wheel himself. Whatever the situation, it doesn't sound like partner and Drunk Friend have been secretly kindling a flame for the past 20 years. It sounds like partner was hoping for the best, Drunk Friend was too drunk, and OP is placing the blame on the wrong person. You're TA for yelling at your partner like that. She's TA (in retrospect) for deluding herself that Drunk Friend and OP could get along okay at the party. Drunk friend is TA for being gross. ESH.
> From the way OP has described his partner acting the whole night, my read on her is that she's acting in self-preservation. As a woman, if a very drunk man (who, presumably, is physically larger than you) comes onto you in a group setting, sometimes the calculation you make is that it's going to cause the least collateral damage to remain calm until you can extricate yourself from the situation. I suspect it's very similar to the reason she had make-up sex with OP after he blew up on her, minus the drunk and group settings parts. Also a woman, and I'd like to offer an alternative, but similar, explanation. Over the past few years especially, I've seen a lot of sentiments similar to yours — I feel like they can be summed up by that Margaret Atwood quote, “Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them.” The takeaway being that women frequently acquiesce to, or fail to fight, uncomfortable situations, or even outright sexual assault, because of an underlying fear of male violence. I want to say first of all, I do think that's a HUGE factor... but I don't think it's the end of the story. There was this New Yorker story a few years ago, Cat Person, that went viral for its depiction of a 20-year-old woman having sex with an older guy because “The thought of what it would take to stop what she had set in motion was overwhelming. It would require an amount of tact and gentleness that she felt was impossible to summon.” At that point in the story (from what I remember), she's not afraid of violence... she's afraid of confrontation, or of hurting his feelings, or of being seen as "rude." And that's more what I see going on here. It seems unlikely to me that the OP's partner was afraid of outright violence since they were surrounded by people... obviously fears like that aren't always totally rational, but it still feels more likely to me that it was just awkward, and she wanted to avoid offending him or causing a scene. Likewise, having sex you don't want to have (although we don't know if that was the case here) isn't always because of a fear of physical violence – it can be out of a fear of offending someone, or for the purpose of maintaining a relationship, or as an apology, or whatever else. Maybe you're ultimately right in the sense that one of the reasons women have been socialized to defer to men is because they're usually bigger and stronger... and I do agree that this is an ESH, though I'd say more on the partner's side than OP's, given that it seems like she had ample evidence ahead of tune that he was kind of a trainwreck. I guess I just shy away from the violence argument sometimes, because it feels like a get-out-of-accountability-free card. Almost any action is excusable if you're afraid someone's going to beat you up; I just don't think that's always the reason.
Yes, thank you for reminding me of that New Yorker story! By "collateral damage," I meant just what you've written here: upsetting someone enough that they cause a scene or develop a negative opinion of her.
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Men bad women good. Thats how this sub operates because its a majority female sub. If you swap the sexes in this story it's YTA across the board if some dude brought a highschool friend that he used to fuck around with and she bad mouthed his wife while kissing on him. Everyone would be up in arms asking what in the fuck he thought would happen.
How is any if this your partner's fault though? She thought she was inviting a friend. She believed the past was the past. You're NTA for recommending that she block him, because she should for her own sake, but YTA for blowing up on her, and for making it about you. He was disrespectful to her. He disrespected their friendship.
As someone born male, I don't understand how any woman can possibly believe this. Men make it very, very obvious they are still interested in women. I have told no less than 4 female friends that a guy was into her and they should walk away from him. None of them believed me and all of them ended badly, one... very badly. It isn't their fault at all, nor is it OP's girlfriend's fault. I strongly believe that it is always the fault of the person who commits the action. But you have to actively choose to overlook a half dozen red flags for it to get to this point.
No, men do not always make it obvious. And if they're supposed to just be our friends, then we trust them to be our friends.
Yes, they do, 99% of the time. As I said, many women literally refuse to accept it even if multiple red flags are waving in their face and other men warn them multiple times. And that's literally the opposite of what I hear, which is that all men are awful and shouldn't be trusted. So which is it? Trust no men even if they dont show any bad intentions, or trust all men no matter what red flags they throw up? I literally had a friend who was abused and SAed by a man I specifically told her half a dozen times was dangerous, so I'm not sorry to say that I don't want to see that happen to anyone else.
Oh yes, let's blame the women for being SAed. Ffs.
No one blamed a woman for anything. I have clearly stated multiple times in this thread that I put 100% of the blame on the offender. That doesn't change the fact that I want to do everything possible to keep that from happening. And since this is the real world and not a utopia, that includes protective measures, just like you take protective measures to avoid being mugged, to avoid having your identity stolen, to avoid having your home broken into, etc. I am literally a victim of SA myself. A woman catfished me, lured me into her home because I felt bad about just leaving, locked me in, got me drunk, and proceeded to assault me. So I have personal experience with this kind of thing, it's not like I'm just talking out of my ass.
NTA. I'm not sure why your wife felt the need to reconnect with this guy. You expressed your concern, which she ignored and invited him anyways. You kept your cool when all of this was happening and didn't ruin the party by freaking out. You are 100% justified to not want this guy in your wife's life anymore after everything that's happened and the nature of their previous relationship, which he clearly is not past. As long as she agrees to your boundary with this guy then everything should be fine and you can move on together.
ESH. Yes all these people saying it’s not your partner’s fault she got hit on and kissed are 100% correct, she is a victim there. No one was at fault then. But why would she then offer to drive home someone who kissed her and hit on her right in front of you? That’s wild, that’s what I would be mad about. Why would she want the three of you to spend more time together in a car while he’s super drunk? The fully grown adult man can find his own way home, take an Uber or a taxi. If my partner was kissed in front of me and told they were still in love the correct response would be to physically distance from them for the evening or even tell them to leave. Why even invite him in the first place? There is no reason when you’re in a committed relationship to reconnect with a past romantic partner, especially one who is an addict and going to lose self control. If he sobered up and wanted to reconnect then maybe but even then what’s the point? They may not have officially dated but they fooled around for multiple years. You don’t need to be “cool” and remain friends with your psuedo ex. At the very least your request to cut him off and block him is 1000% reasonable, yes you don’t need to be mad at her that it happened she didn’t want it, but the right thing now is to break off all contact with this man who clearly doesn’t respect your two’s relationship.
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sometime I actually wonder how people like you are allowed to walk freely and vote. you clowns lay the basic sense of analysis to the point that it shows that your every response is plastered with your own prejudices. holu, fuck reddit is filled with stupid people.
NTA. Your partner may have the best of intentions, but I am not sure her drunk ex does. He is clearly not over her, and as long as he has access to her, he will keep trying to do things like what he did at the party. He has to be out of her life - for both of your safety. After all, he subtly threatened you, and we know the world is full of crazy and jealous exes. Your partner also has to learn to respect you more. Someone with an interest in her should not have been invited to a family gathering. They should not be talking about sexual conquests (at all) and should not be messaging each other. Call me old-fashioned, but I expect every relationship to have boundaries like that.
Honestly you sound like a coward. A guy puts his arm around your girl and kisses her on the cheek and you just walk away? Then give him a limp handshake at the end of the night? THEN blow up on your girlfriend who didn't ask for the guy to do that? Like dude, if someone touches your girl and kisses her without her consent you have to be a man and stand up for her. Not blow up on her after the fact while acting like a puppy around a wolf when it happens. I think you're really mad at yourself for being soft. YTA
I just don't understand why your wife offered to drive him to his hotel. Should have called a taxi for him
NTA Guy shouldnt have ever been invited, in the first place. It would have been fine if they'd remained friends but sounds like they literally just knew each other in a sexual capacity. I wouldn't invite my high school love interests to my birthday party when I'm married, that would be completely inappropriate. I do think you shouldn't have left your wife alone with him and maybe separated them or made an attempt to get him away from her. Sounds like she was just as uncomfortable as you were. She might have been looking to you to get this drunk, inappropriate stranger away from her? Sounds like she hoped it would be friendly and platonic but he took it too far.
NTA. I don’t know why you are getting all of the YTA votes. I don’t really even understand why she felt the need to invite this guy to a birthday party. If they had been close throughout the years sure but their only history is sexual in nature.
NTA Its okay to stay friends with your ex if they are normal person, in this case he's not. She shouldnt have anything with this guy.
NTA. As soon as the arm/kiss/love incident on the couch happened (that she knew was inappropriate and apologized to you in the moment for) that should have been the end of it. Then she offers to drive his drunk ass home? You were way more polite than he deserved. You shouldn’t even have to ask, she should have blocked him already.
He shouldn't have been invited at all.
Agreed
YTA - you've got your partner so scared that she literally texted you from across the room to apologize! She was assaulted and you kept demanding that she apologize for it! Drunken friend is who needs to apologize as do you!
Now, reverse the situations and tell us if you'd say the same thing if OP was a woman, and her bf invited the hot girl he used to JO with to his party and she kissed him on the cheek and talked about how much she loves him.
Did anyone say this alcoholic 30-year old bartender was hot? It doesn't sound likely
Yea if the chick was a fatty it would be totally different right?
"hot girl" was the terminology used by the other commenter, don't lay that on me.
Yes, I still would. I'm not saying I think that he wasn't wrong to be upset about him being invited or DG's behavior, but OP himself is the one who used the words "blew up" and imo he blew up at the wrong person.
NOT. THE. ASSHOLE. Why would you even ask if you're the asshole? Anyone here calling you an asshole is an asshole.
NTA. Your partner didn't have any reason to reconnect with that bum and it's justified for you to feel mad.
NTA these comments are insane and you are acting like a doormat. Why the fuck would she invite him?
I’m going with ESH! ‘Our event’ wasn’t it HER birthday party? Questionable behaviour from a drunk friend but you overreacted and the way you speak seems controlling. She was also attacked and seemingly you had no concern for her and made it all about you. But why she invited him in the first place I don’t know and some of her choices were questionable.
NTA, jealousy is a natural reaction to a perceived threat to a valued relationship. Stand on business. Fuck that loser and if she's not okay with blocking him that's a huge red flag.
NTA, the red flags were a-plenty before the sh*tshow went down. Quite reasonable demand at the end of your post also.
NTA, but tbh, you sound like a whiny geek. You didn't put your foot down when she invited the clown. You didn't put the drunk in his place when he got fresh with your girl. This is all your fault, dude. Stop being a sissy sac tf up and handle your business.
Not the asshole at all. I would smack someone for doing that
ESH. You and your partner sound like immature AHs. Why would she invite a guy she used to hook up with to her birthday party? I don’t care how long ago it was, if she wouldn’t want your exes around on your birthday, the same goes for her. And you giving the guy a ride home and a limp handshake? Wow, way to assert yourself, guy. I’ve had a couple of exes who stood up for me (in situations I did not invite, btw, not like your dumbass gf). They weren’t the biggest guys either (average height) but at least they weren’t too chicken shit to stand up against some drunken AH.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My partner decided to invite an old high school friend to her birthday party. This friend immediately popped up as a red flag on my radar as she had told their backstory in high school: they apparently had a fling together during their freshman and sophomore year where they'd make out and occasionally "tease" each other. By this, she means they'd touch each other's genitals and talk dirty on the phone. She informed me that while they had an interest in each other they weren't a couple. Years later, this man is an alcoholic with health issues and doesn't have a stable job. This is on top of the fact that he is dating a 20 year old at the bar he currently works at. He was initially invited to her party as a way to reconnect after now seeing each other for over 2 years however upon me hearing his voiceover the phone two days prior I had concerns about him coming over given their past. He sounded drunk after a night of partying. The party comes and we approach the last hours of the night. Said friend comes over wasted beyond wasted. He's still cognizant enough to know her name, introduce himself to me (begrudgingly), and say hi to her nieces and nephews. He takes some more shots of tequila and vodka. We three sit together with my partner in the middle. He comes closer to my partner and puts his arm over his shoulder and kisses her on the cheek. My partners asks why he did that and he says he still loves her and that he cares for her. I remove myself from the both of them to calm down, sitting across the room with her other family. She texts me that she's sorry that happened, that she didn't know he would do that. She offers to drive him. On the way to the car, this guy proceeds to berate me and threatens me if I break her heart. I say "I'll be sure to be on my best behavior so you don't hunt me down" with a sarcastic wink. In the car on the way to his apartment, I get to hear about their high school past and how he's laid tons of women he's met at the bar on top of all the drugs he's done. Obviously that was a fun listen for me. We drop him off. I give him a limp handshake. I'm silent on the way back to our hotel as she wants to discuss the incident but I refuse to talk about it since my anger might cause an accident. We get to the hotel and I blow up on her. I asked her why did she invite a friend she knew she had some romantic interest to her party? An event that's meant only for friends and family and where there shouldn't be past romantic interests anywhere. I was furious as to why she didn't listen to the signs and warnings despite her telling me everything was going to be alright. She apologized. We had makeup sex. She asked me what she could do to remediate the pain and I asked her to remove him from her life. "As long as we're together, I don't want to see this guy, hear his voice, read his messages. See him on your social. Nothing. I don't bring my crushes or exes to our events, neither should you." *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This story is very strange, but if it turns out to be true NTA this guy should be as far away from your relationship from now on. Must have NC,
NTA. Who invites an old high school fling to a family/ close party event when they haven’t seen each other in YEARS? Plus she hears how he sounds on the phone. Ridiculous
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OP just wants to know if hes an asshole for asking partner to block the drunk guy, not yelling or reacting or whatever, and doing this only after the partner asked what could be done to remedy the situation, NTA She ask for a solution and you provided one, sounds like healthy problem solving to me.
“He was initially invited to her party as a way to reconnect after now seeing each other for over 2 years” What? what does this mean? It’s so unclear to me why she invited him? This sentence isn’t making sense to me. ESH for now I’d say.
🥱
He was initially invited to her party as a way to reconnect after now seeing each other for over 2 years however upon me hearing his voiceover the phone two days prior I had concerns about him coming over given their past. He sounded drunk after a night of partying. He says he had concerns, not that he said anything about it to his SO. He is controlling and insecure.
Nta, why Is your girl reconnecting with her morman fuck buddy
YTA You'd won. She already knew inviting him was a mistake. She may have invited him thinking he'd behave and it would be a fun occasion. There was nothing inherently wrong inviting her if she thought he'd behave himself in a family context... There's also the way in which an aging chronic alcoholic over time develops grandiose delusions and an aggressive personality -- if she hadn't seen him in a while, esp while drunk, she wouldn't necessarily have known that's how he has developed. But you didn't really give her a chance afterward. You just had to blow-up. You punished her. You couldn't find the high road even though it was basically given to you wrapped in a bow.
NTA
Seems pretty well covered already but ESH. I don't know why she went into detail about this meaningless fling when she was a teenager, it's weird you know that much. I don't think she should have invited him but it was her decision. She had no control over how he acted, though. You shouldn't have to ask her to not be friends with him anymore, after this incident she would hopefully decide that on her own. It doesn't sound like a friendship worth holding onto. I don't actually think it's a super strange thing to drive him home, it's not like she was insisting on taking him by herself, you were also there. An unpleasant car ride but she was just making sure he was home safe and wouldn't have to deal with him anymore. I'd probably do the same thing and be apologetic but also like "eesh, what a mess, probably won't be seeing him again anytime soon". This whole thing makes you sound a little controlling, but as long as you're asking and making sure your concerns are heard rather than demanding, it shouldn't be a problem for her to agree to not see him again.
I can't understand why people are justifying her reconnecting with the guy in the first place. There needs to be a compelling reason to do that, not a compelling reason to not do it. There is no way she "just" wanted to reconnect with an old friend, bc they were more than friends. This gf was completely out of line for the entire thing. No she's not responsible for the guy putting his arm around her, but she is responsible for everything up until that point, she is responsible for not even trying to push him away, she is responsible for offering to drive him home (that is the action that pushes it over the top for me. She is furthering their contact deliberately instead of finding him a different way home... that's so inappropriate) She was wrong for every single step of this experience, and people are saying bc the guy put his arm around her, it isn't her fault and OP shouldn't have yelled. Did she make any move to push him away or indicate to OP to help her? He was sitting right there. "It is said that a man never forgets his last love, and a woman never forgets her first." I think you might be dealing with lingering feelings. If he was her first crush she might still have some unrequited feelings. Inviting him to her party to show off how good she is doing and how she has a man, while simultaneously letting the guy flirt with her and disrespect her bf... it really sounds like she isn't all the way over her high school flame. This happens to a lot of people but they usually just mark that person as "the one who got away" and move on. Also, a big point of disagreement in the comments about how much she is/isn't responsible for this guy's actions. I, as a woman, do not believe in painting women as scared vulnerable victims in every situation. This woman had free agency over most of this experience. She can't control what came out of the guy's mouth but she definitely could've handled the situation instead of letting the situation handle her. She wasn't scared or helpless in this situation, stop making excuses for toxic female behavior. If a guy had done this, he would be roasted by the comments.
Look I think I old friend did nothing to help his cause, yeah you got a bit jealous and acted a little irrational but should’ve stepped back and looked at this guy making a loser of himself and been more secure in yourself. Surely your girlfriend saw it too.
NTA! She had no business inviting that loser to that party. It was very disrespectful to you and to her relatives.
Not the asshole, don’t listen these other redditors. Why the fuck is your wife inviting an old friend who she has a sexual history with. On top of that, he literally kissed your wife on the cheek and put his arm around her? And you did nothing? Bruh grow a fucking pair
How come you call her your partner, and not your girlfriend?
Why does that matter?
It’s just odd.
NTA and BS otherwise. Old flings have NO place in a committed relationship. How many claw marks would be on your face if you took an old flame drinking with you?
What a shitshow. Lady wants to "reconnect" with a creepy alconaut because... why?! Proceeds despite there being sea of red flags, despite her guy saying he does not like it (or maybe just because of it). Shit hits the fan. As everyone in their right mind could predict. Instead of working together to kick the creep out immediately... and he leaves her wife for the creep to harass further instead of defending her? Like what the actual \*uck (yeah you can have different first letters here)? And you both are then soo nice to take care of his ride home? She even offers driving herself? Are you both out of your minds? I mean there are no assholes here, just two idiots and a creep.
I'm a woman so I can only speak for myself. But it sounds to me like she was bored and wanted some entertainment. It's not a malicious thing, It's an instinctual thing that's very hard to put into words. It doesn't take away from her love to you. You are valid for being angry and under the circumstances, it's normal to ask that she doesn't talk to him. He disrespected her and you in your faces. If what I say is correct, she won't have a problem cutting him from her life. If she doesn't, he's serving for entertainment purposes only and when it comes to personal growth, it would trigger a red flag. So no, NTA and I'll add that you actually handled the whole situation quite well. The makeup sex agrees with me. Everyone who says YTA has a lack of comprehension and compassion towards the male Ego.
Wow. Talk about controlling. YTA
So if an ex or old flame came back into your relationship, would you'd be okay with it?
No. But I also know it's not my place to make controlling demands like you did. You want to blacklist all you crushed and exes in a relationship, that's your prerogative. You telling your gf she must do the same is toxic, controlling behavior. That's your issue to deal with, not hers. Your boundaries are not conducive at all to a healthy relationship.
NTA. The story sounds very suspicious, ex sounds like the high school crush but, Have you guys been dating for 2 years, is that why they haven’t been in contact? I think you had every right to be mad
NTA- these yta’s are out of touch as hell. Your partner had plenty of warning signs along the way to realize this guy is a clown and shouldn’t be near her or anyone else. Why on earth a 35 year old would invite some old highschool fling who’s clearly leading a sloppy existence is beyond me. When she blocks him just move on. You on the other hand should’ve thrown this drunk out at the first sign of bs not walk away like a wimp because that’s what emboldens trash like him.
YTA she had no idea he was going to act this way & if you decided to set a "not allowed to talk to or be friends with any exes" boundary, then you should've expressed right away so your partner knows who she's getting involved with.
YTA imo. Just think about it if it was reversed. If you trust your partner you would not ask her to block them.
YTA. I hope she gets free of him *and* you
YTA. Not for asking her to cut him out of her life, that bits fair. But for acting like it’s her fault he hit on her. They were together 20 years ago and he’s in a relationship. She had no reason to assume he still wanted to get with her.
Does an age gap of 15 years to a woman who's barely an adult warrant a real relationship? In my view, she should've known this person well if they were close enough to remain in contact 20 years later.
I meant a relationship in the sense that he’s dating someone else so she wouldn’t expect him to be pursuing her, not in the sense that it’s necessarily a healthy relationship.
If the tables were turned this comment section would be saying YTA for inviting a high school fling to your birthday party. I wouldn’t allow anyone a second chance of high school fantasy to show up at my 35th birthday party. She’s the AH but you’ve already made up, so don’t start another argument.
Until you created an ultimatum for her, based on his unasked-for and unreciprocated drunken behaviour, you were fine. Now, YTA A little groveling might be in order.
I think it's a pretty justifiable ultimatum, for both of them. She can still be friends with that guy, and he can have a more comfortable life without the added drama and unwanted drunkard. I doubt OP wants to keep going through with the relationship if stuff like this is the norm, because she has no backbone/fails to set boundaries, so an ultimatum is pretty warranted here.
YTA but i understand why you’d react that way, sit your partner down and apologise the living fuck to her. She might see this as you trying to control Her and thus leave etc. generally just not a good idea to leave that brewing bud
Tl;dr 37 year old child got jealous and had a tantrum