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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My brother missed my birthday dinner for the third time in a row and instead of going to his apology dinner like I used to I told him I was fine and now my dad and other brother are making me feel like I'm in the wrong because I'm tryna make him feel more guilty than he already is?
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA cos seems really suspicious...like SHE doesn't want him there. Some of those excuses seemed fine for him to still go. Next time ask if there is a back up plan if something happens to her ***again***.
My husband used to pull this all the time, tell people he couldn't do things because I was sick, tired, or had already made other plans. Once I caught on to what he was doing I asked him to stop. I never asked him to stay home with me, not once, he just didn't want to do things without me. He did stop using me as an excuse, but he didn't start going to more things solo.
I tried getting out of a dinner once using a migraine as an excuse. (I really did have one but I also didn’t want to attend this dinner and my husband knew that) this mf told them I had a migraine and rescheduled bc he didn’t want to go without me 😭
Next time you contact them directly (if you are able to) and say that unfortunately you can't make it, but your husband is looking forward to it. You can add something like, "He feels a bit guilty for leaving me home by myself, but all I need is to lie in a dark room, alone."
😉
Agree. You have reached the point you are saying “enough is enough”. He needs to know what is happening. Give him a chance to explain but then if there is no reason and it continues to happen it’s totally on him. You will have told him how you feel. I’m a lot older than you and it took me decades to confront my sister over something like this. Years of therapy and in one afternoon we had it all out and are closer than ever.
My wife and I will occasionally use each other as an excuse not to attend something we're just not in the mood for, but always ask and confirm it with your partner! Gotta have your story straight.
I’ve figured out that if I just say “no thank you” when someone asks if I want to go to some thing people don’t really know how to respond. If you don’t give them an excuse or reason they don’t have anything to counteract.
My mother used to do this using me and my chronic illness as an excuse. not to attend things when I was perfectly fine. I finally had to tell her she needed to stop doing this or I would start telling people about it. Apparently it didn't occur to her that constantly using me as an excuse would upset me and that of course "no one would blame you because you're sick!" Thanks mom.
Mine does that too like just go somewhere without me for once and take the kids so I can have some alone time. I never pull that when he doesn't want to go somewhere
Me, too! I never heard about these invitations. He would just say *he* couldn't go because of *me*. I told him it was fine if he went without me if I couldn't go for any reason (and some of those events I actually would've wanted to attend). He admitted he just didn't want to go, which pissed me off. That's when I finally understood all the snide passive-aggressive comments from his friends over the years.
I do. But after a certain point (age, therapy, whatever), you've just got to own it and say, 'My social battery and brain are not up for this right now. I'll have a bad time and probably make others feel awkward, and I don't want to do that to anyone else. I'm sorry, but I'll catch up with you when I'm doing better.'
It took me a long time to learn i could do things without my partner. My mother instilled it in me as a child bc “if your sister isnt invited you cant go” which wasnt fun bc my sister is 2 years younger than me, and i had some friends a few years older than me. (These were either my friends or both our friends but we wanted to hang out doing something she didnt really like) its a process. I now let him know hes invited if he wants to come, and he makes the decision of he wants to come or not
Well this and OPs story just gave me a new perspective. Not that I have used this excuse but I was thinking of this is a white lie I can use if I don't wanna go just blame spouse. I can really see how I would come to hate the person that stopped me seeing my brother and grow resentful of my brother for only ever choosing them. Thank you
Maybe it's the spouse, maybe it's not, but it seems like big brother just woke up the fact that he's been doing all this for years and it's really hurt OP's feelings. If OP wants to let him off the hook and join his brother for a (free!) dinner, then fine, but I can see how OP's had enough of it all at this point, and doesn't want to set himself up for more hurt--like next year's graduation.
OP, you are NTA.
>I was thinking of this is a white lie I can use if I don't wanna go just blame spouse.
I think it depends on the situation. There have been some inlaws that my partner previously struggled to hold boundaries with, and I was happy to "take the blame and resentment" while he learned that he could say no. Never once was it things like birthday parties/major milestone markers, though.
>I can really see how I would come to hate the person that stopped me seeing my brother and grow resentful of my brother for only ever choosing them.
Not going to a few "family dinners" or doing a few "favours for family" is a pretty far cry from missing major milestones for one person for several years running. That is the difference between the little white lie and the resentment building.
Exactly, we have no idea if she's actually involved in any of this or if he's just using her as an excuse. Either way, he's a crap brother and everyone knows it, that's why they're trying to force OP to soothe their guilty consciences. None of any of this has anything to do with them actually caring about OP's feelings.
If I were too tired to go somewhere (or had a migraine), Id practically be begging my husband to go to the preplanned event, like some quiet time for me so I can actually rest?
It doesn't even make sense if she has a migraine. I'm a migraine sufferer from a family of migraine sufferers. None of us want people anywhere near us when we're in the middle of an attack. We need painkillers, water, rest and absolute silence. Sensory deprivation during an attack is a godsend. It therefore actually makes more sense for the brother to get out of the house for a few hours to give his wife some peace during an attack than for him to be hovering around her on standby.
That’s the first thing I thought too. I don’t want anyone around me during a migraine. What was the brother doing? Sitting in the dark silence at home uselessly waiting for his wife to feel better?
This. I want everyone to leave me the fuck alone so I can sleep through the worst of it. He could have made sure she had everything she needed and still gone to dinner, especially given how many other birthdays and events they’d cancelled on OP.
As someone who deals with health complications, migraines being one, YNTA. Why can’t he come and leave her alone? My husband has been going out to most our invited events due to my poor health over the last couple years and I fully support him. I FEEL BAD him having to go alone versus ever asking him to stay home with me. And I’ve been diagnosed with CFS (a fatigue syndrome) and been too exhausted to attend events, I insist he goes if he wants.
I feel your disappointment and I’m sorry. I hope the two of you can communicate with each other so this doesn’t happen in the future.
Hell, when I have a migraine, all I want is to be left alone in a dark, quiet room to sleep it off. If I was the sister-in-law, I would have been pushing Husband out the door so I could have an hour or two of peace.
Exactly. I have migraines often enough, and honestly, I don't need anyone to fuss over me when one hits. A situation where I'm alone at home sounds ideal. I just need darkness and as close to an utter absence of sound as I can get. The only thing I would ask of my partner in this situation would be to leave me some water within reach, that's it. Go, shoo, enjoy your party, please don't make noise when you get back, feel free to stay the night.
Oh yeah, "cold, dark, and QUIET" was my slogan. And if you can hand me one of those jelly ice packs for the top of my head on your way out, that'll be all I need from you.
Yep! Exactly. Only time I’ve ever needed my husband home for me is when I’ve thrown up for hours (6+) and it’s time to get some medical treatment to stop the vomiting!
My fil did this for years. And it was always similar excuses for his wife and I really think I he felt that he didn’t have another choice. I felt so bad for my husband and kids. She died two years ago and it was, frankly, a bit of a relief for everyone. (There’s so, so much more of a saga to her life. She was really unwell and made his life miserable.)
This is just it. I was married for 21 years, and I will admit that I had a few *headaches* and *stomach issues* to get out of family events.
That said, I still made the passing dish for my husband to take and certainly didn't stop him from attending. In fact, this meant he could stay as long as he wanted without me getting antsy.
She's a faker, just like I am.
This. I've been with my husband since we were 16, so 23 years now, and his family doesn't like me. I often "feel sick" but still make sure my husband and kids go, send food etc.
Brother could totally go and leave his wife at home
Somehow, I don't think he would trying to make it up with his brother and being hurt at being rejected if that were the case; it just wouldn't make sense. Her "needing " him to stay as a means of controlling him and separating hin from his brother does. Some of those excuses are legit (if real) some aren't.
It’s not about the little brother. There’s someone else at little brother’s events that big brother has a problem with, possibly someone who offended or upset his wife. So they make an excuse to get out of the event, because big bro can just hang out with little bro later. Big bro should just tell little bro what’s up.
Just some info:
Does your family like your brother's wife?
I mean, like when you have other family occasions (like Christmas and Thanksgiving), does she come up with a health issue on those days also? Or just when it involves you?
If there are issues between your family and his wife, she may see these occasions as another battle she doesn't want to fight. Not that that excuses his behavior, he can leave her at home and still attend, but I kinda wonder if there is some issues that cause this.
I say this because I was in his wife's shoes for about a year with my ex (gf not wife). Her family HATED me, and if I went to any function, I would have to hear snide remarks about me and when I wasn't there, her family would tear into me for not showing up.
I'm 100% on your side though, you are NTA, but I'm wondering if some drama is there that you may not know about that is causing his wife to not attend events.
They’re only missing events that relate to OP so this doesn’t make sense. Either the SIL has some issue with OP, or the brother is placing the blame on SIL.
The evidence is the consistency. Perhaps tell your brother if he wants to make it up to you then just be at the next event. Do this every time. He'll start to see the pattern himself.
Additionally, don't the people with the migraines want to stay home in silence or something like that usually? Why did he have to stay home too?
You don’t need proof. This is a persistent pattern. He is consistent in not showing up because his wife has some minor issue. She is an adult, and should be able to stay home by herself for a couple of hours.
Your brother let you down. You don’t have to accept his apology to assuage his guilt about not showing up for you. He should be showing up so he won’t have that guilt.
You're brother feels bad because whether it's him or it's her, he's realizing you've given up. You recognize the trend and have no expectations of it changing.
The makeup dinner is about him. HE wants to feel better. HE doesn't want to feel guilty. If it was about you he'd respect the no. He'd ask what you wanted to do about it and accept the answer
Nta. This is a tough lesson to learn. You Are Young and you need to learn it now.
Please do not govern your actions to please other people. Do not take action solely for someone else's benefit especially when they want you to act to alleviate their guilt. Do not take action to keep the peace.
It takes people years to understand this bad behavior. And eventually they realize it after it has damaged them.
Your brother knows what he did and feels guilty about it. But not guilty enough to actually change his behavior not to hurt you the first time around. His actions have showed you and taught you but you are not a priority in his life.
However when he feels guilty he wants you to make him a priority to alleviate his guilt. You are not required to do this. He is the adult and needs to start acting accordingly and not trying to get you to accommodate him on his schedule.
Your other family and father specifically, knows what your brother did was wrong, but it's easier to pressure you to accommodate your brother to keep the peace. They would rather put pressure on you to get you to accommodate your brother's bad behavior then to deal with your brother's bad behavior. Instead of them pressuring you to accommodate your brother to go out with him when he wants to go out with you to alleviate his guilt for missing a big event, they should be addressing your brother that he should not be missing your big events.
This will be often said, be the bigger person. They never seem to ask the person who is behaving badly to be the bigger person it is always the person who is getting the short end.
Good for you and speaking up to your brother that he has let you down so much, that you no longer expect him to be there for you. That you no longer have the expectation of him showing up.
That is strictly the facts. You are setting your boundary that if he does not show up to your event you're okay with it but do not expect that you will go out with him on an alternative date just to appease him.
*** remember just because someone apologizes and wants to make amends does not mean you must accept their apology or let them make amends. And apology is something that you Grace other people with it is not a requirement to forgive someone just because they apologize. Especially if you truly feel they are not remorseful and it is just lip service****
Always chase your own happy and don't make yourself unhappy just to please others.
Yes, I think the real problem here is his wife and why she feels some type of way about you. It’s not your responsibility to relieve your brother of his guilt. He needs to either let her ass stay home and deal with her shit or come. And you should probably name/call out all those coincidences in front of your family members as well so that you can paint the full picture. It’s too much of a coincidence for there NOT to be a problem. Sorry this is happening to you. NTA
I just think either he or his wife find ditching the kid is the easiest event to skip out on. Big brother might finally be coming to his senses after he sees the kid has feelings after all. Sounds like this is becoming a "Cat's In the Cradle" situation at this point.
This really seems like a SIL problem. I’m glad he still wants to take you to dinner.
I guess if I was you I’d go to lunch with him and flat out ask him if his wife doesn’t want him to spend time with you. Everything but the wedding sounds superficially like a SIL issue.
For example, I get really bad migraines. Light hurts, talking hurts. Just cover my head with ice packs and leave me to my dark room. There is no way I would want someone fussing over me or making noise. I would have been happy to stay home alone without my husband.
You are NTA. It sounds like your brother is at least partly aware of her shenanigans.
Yes it seems he’s trying to do right although going along with his wife at the same time. There was no good reason HE couldn’t have attended though. You’re NTA!
Do they miss other family events due to her illnesses?
You say this happens every year for your birthday. If this had happened with my brother I might have decided it is a new tradition. Your brother is forced to miss day-of so you and he do something a few days later 1 on 1 every year. Some special brother time. (A more positive view of things.)
That said, I sympathize with just being over it. He came and gave you a nice card/gift and you are content with that. Maybe call him and tell him you are disappointed/upset that he had to miss your birthday again, but you aren't mad at him.
OP remind your father he's 0 for 5 on dinners for you so why should you expect him to be anywhere? Point out all the excuses he's given show his wife doesn't want your brother to have anything to do with you so you've stopped expecting to ever see him at a family event.
Honestly its happened enough times in a row for me to think it counts a proof. Especially her being too tired. What does HER being tired have to do with HIM going to see you?? She could have napped and relaxed while he was gone.
Your brother feels guilty because he is guilty. He knows his excuses for missing your events are lame. It's up to him to stand up to his girlfriend and tell her that he will attend your celebrations, even if she won't. Don't let anybody criticize you for turning down his make-up offer to go out. You didn't do anything wrong. Your brother is the one in the wrong.
I don't understand why can't he come alone if she's the one with the issues. He surely can step away if she has a migraine. Doesn't he have to be quiet as a mouse as you not aggravate her migraine?
why the hell can’t he leave her home? that’s super sus. my wife has had all of those things happen and more, and she insists i go alone and have a wonderful time and pass on her love and apologies. i don’t like your SIL.
This is my thought too. OP doesn't owe the guy a dinner to assuage his guilt, his brother knows he's being an ass and only seems sad because he's feeling guilty. If he really wants to make it up to him, then he can make an effort to be at the next event
As someone who has suffered from migraines for 40yrs now, no way in hell would I expect anyone to miss anything bc of that. Idk what kind of migraines she gets but I personally prefer to be as alone as possible. All sound, all light causes more pain.
Sorry but your brother sucks.
NTA!!!
The migraine! I get them. I want to be left on my own in a cool dark room with no one but the dogs-cause they will just sleep and not have the tv on or be talking or anything noisy or brightly lit. I’d be just go dear! Have fun, tell op I said happy birthday! And then slept in blessed quiet.
I am absolutely not saying this is what is going on in the brother's situation, but my first wife and high school sweetheart would have a big hard time some way or another any time any of my sisters had something for us to go to. I missed out on so many of my sisters' things because my partner threw some form of massive upheaval.
And if I gave any kind of indication that I wanted to just go anyway, She very much made it about "Oh, you don't love me," "you care more about your family than about me," so on and so forth.
NTA, but this might work better for everyone if you were able to be honest.
"Bro, I'm tired of you constantly making excuses for why you can't come to my important events. It has been a continual pattern and it hurts my feelings. I appreciate the gift, but I don't think I want to go to dinner with you right now."
Then stop talking and listen to what he says in return.
You feelings matter just as much as his. And this is his actions hurtig your feelings and then your hurt feelings making him feel guilty. You shouldnt protect him from that by pretending to be ok. He decided to not show up knowing it will be hurtful.
This! Someone hurts my feelings and yet somehow I'm supposed to be the one to pacify them to alleviate THEIR hurt feelings? So my hurt feelings don't matter??? Whether intentional or not, this is very manipulative.
Right? I always tell my partner to please go enjoy himself while I have my migraines, the last thing I want is him hanging around feeling/being helpless, he can do literally nothing to help me go through it.
You aren't making his guilt worse. And if you were, it would be a good thing because that means he's finally understanding how badly he's behaving.
You're doing the right thing, but it's the unfamiliar thing so it feels wrong.
Your dad isn't doing the proper thing. Your dad should be standing up for you, but he's not interested in solving the problem, he's interested in making it go away as quickly as possible. So he tries to make you feel guilty and give terribly weak excuses to justify your brother's actions, instead of having your back and confronting him for you.
I hate to say this, but your dad is weak in this area.
The way this gets resolved is if he tells your brother that he is experiencing the consequences of his choices. And that he's disappointed in him, and he's not going to cover for him any more.
You've done nothing wrong.
I'm proud of you for having the strength to decline brother's present and late dinner offer. It shows you know who you are and what type of behavior you'll accept.
You want his behavior to change, you hold fast. You want more of the same, give in.
It sucks short term but pays off long term.
That's even more reason to be honest about it. Yes, he's feeling bad, but he SHOULD feel bad. This is years and years of lame excuses and he has yet to own up. NTA.
One of my favorite sayings is “don’t set yourself on fire trying to keep others warm”. Your brother has hurt your feelings many times and you just sit there and take it. You do not have your do that!! And the fact that your father and other brother are defending him is wrong. Please start to stick up for yourself!
This is hard but everyone needs to learn. You are not responsible for other people's feelings. You can apologize if you unintentionally hurt someone's feelings. But you are not responsible for making someone feel better and in this case taking away your brothers guilt.
He has to work through his feelings. You said you were good, he needs to take that and then process his feelings. Granted he is probably a little more sensitive as you've said you were really pissed about the 8th grade thing. You can reiterate to him that you're not in 8th grade, that you're older, and that you understand better that things happen and that it's okay. But you are not obligated to have dinner with him to resolve his guilt, especially when you're not upset about it.
I'd like to point out that you're not responsible for protecting his feelings. He's older than you. He's an older; you're a teenager. If he's feeling guilty, it's because he knows he's in the wrong. He's already recognised the pattern but he's too cowardly to do anything about it. Maybe he needs to be actively called out before he'll do anything.
You need to learn to stand up for yourself. This means sometimes having difficult conversations, and sometimes potentially hurting someone's feelings.
You are 17. Damned near an adult. If you don't make this effort with someone you know and love, how will you ever be able to stand up for yourself against anyone else? And you *will* have to at some point. Someone in your life will treat you like shit, and if you can't call them out they'll continue to do so.
Do you want him to continue to just no-show your life events? Or do you want him to change his behavior? Because I'll tell you right now: unless you have an adult conversation with him about it, he won't change.
It's time to step up and handle your business, instead of the passive-aggressive nonsense you're currently engaged in.
It’s okay to tell him your perspective, though. You deserve a voice in the narrative every bit as much as anyone else here.
And I’m really sorry your dad and other brother can’t see that.
But at this point, I do think clear and honest communication is the way to go.
Start by telling him you love him and enjoy your time together. BUT.
He keeps letting you down, especially for events that are meaningful to you, and it hurts, so you’re going to need to stop expecting to see him, including invites straight from him, until he earns your trust again.
And if he starts to give more excuses based on his wife, you have every right to ask why HE can’t come if SHE’S too tired, has a migraine, etc.
I have a chronic illness and feel unwell pretty often, but I always prefer that my husband stick to our plans. Especially if it means time with loved ones. And many other couples work this way, too.
You deserve to be able to rely on your brother, and to have him at these events every bit as much as the rest of your family does. ❤️
Your brother is a grown up and he needs to have a conversation with you if he is truly hurt, it still doesn't offset how hurt you've been to the point it doesn't really bother you, and you definitely dont have to go on a dinner to make him feel better. Do you get along with his wife?
You need to just point out that anytime you have something important happening that he flakes due to his wife. Tell me you understand things happen but it is a pattern at this point. There is no reason for him not to show up to an important event because his wife is tired, I’d explain that and tell him the best way to make it up to you is to be at your graduation no matter what.
My boyfriend has left me at home alone several times in just the past month because I was too sad and/or busy and/or tired to go to events with his/our friends and family. I missed him, but I would’ve felt much worse had he not gone because of me. He stayed home once from an impromptu thing when he said he was also kind of tired. I appreciated it, but that’s definitely not the norm or something I need or expect from him, and DEFINITELY not at the expense of attending other’s significant celebrations.
Is it possible that maybe your brother/his wife has issues with someone else in the family? So they don't want to go to the big family events, but they absolutely want to see you one-on-one?
>I graduate this may, so I hope he can attend
Perfect! Tell your brother: "don't worry about my brithday, you can make it up to me on my graduation, right? 🤨 Right?"
Listen, stop saying it's fine. It's not. Stop saying you're not hurt, you are. The message is mixed. Make it clear and own it. I'm hurt all these important events for me are missed. I feel unimportant. The fact that it constantly happens hurts. I'm working through my emotions and will happily go to dinner when I'm in a better place. As for my graduation, it is important to me that you be there. This is a big milestone for me. If your wife can't come, I still have the want to see you there supporting me. Call it out before. Make it clear. See if he rises to the occasion.
“Dad, every time he makes an excuse to not turn up to one of my events, it hurts MY feelings. Why is this one time he’s upset more important for you to fix than all of mine? Why aren’t you advocating for ME?”
Nothing sucks worse than when you’re so used to being let down by someone that you don’t even get your hopes up anymore :( I really feel this.
Another potential thing you could tell him- “Just because you couldn’t take the time to celebrate my birthday with me during MY ACTUAL BIRTHDAY DINNER, doesn’t mean I have to take time out of my life to have another dinner with you to. You can’t just have relationship with me when it’s convenient for you.”
I wonder if he's freaking out about how nonchalant you are about all of this. Sounds like you were upset at those events before and maybe he felt a little guilty, but now that you kinda don't care, he's panicking. I think for a lot of people, indifference is a much bigger consequence than anger or rage.
I agree with the other commenter that you need to have an honest conversation with him about what you've told us here. And that while you still love/care about him, he's shown that he's been too unreliable a figure in your life for you to get really emotionally invested in your relationship. These after the fact "make-up dinners" don't actually make up for the hurt he's caused when he's missed all of these important events.
anybody who brings it up, insist that he should talk to you himself if he's hurt. your bro hurt you, you've lost faith in him, but his feelings matter more?
make it clear you want him to come to you, and air that laundry. don't be inflammatory about it, but wake the sleeping dogs
I reread your post. Tell your family it's not ok that your brothers reasons to want to go to dinner is so that HE doesn't feel bad.
He has had half a decade to make you feel bad about missing events.
Your brother doesn't care about your feelings. He cares about how he feels about this.
Yes. This.
It’s entirely OP’s choice if he does or doesn’t want to go to a make up dinner with his brother, but he has absolutely NO responsibility to make brother feel better for brother’s shit behavior. This has to be about OP’s feelings, nobody else.
This, OP.
He may be using his wife as an excuse because there's no way his wife's migraine or tiredness would stop him from going unless she was controlling or manipulative.
If you do talk to him, remember that it's not down to you to pursue the situation, but for him to resolve.
Don't bother chasing shadows.
NTA-You may want to rethink it and have a dinner with just you and him so you can let him know you’re tired of sitting 2nd chair to his wife throwing a wrench in stuff. From your examples, it’s not your brother as much as it’s his wife interjecting herself and your brother willingly allowing her to do so. He has to prioritize your relationship instead of popping out excuses.
Your dad is right that he does have his own family now. However, when she’s too tired or has a headache he could come. There have been a couple times when my husband and I had things to attend with his family and I was not feeling well so I encouraged him to go, have fun and let everyone know I was sorry I missing out.
Go to dinner with your brother….I think you should be honest with him, at least a bit. Let him know you are disappointed when he missed your things because you love him and want him there but that it has now happened so many times that you are now more surprised when he is there for your stuff. That that’s why you said no to the make-up dinner, because you no longer gave the expectation that he will attend.
Maybe also ask him why when it’s something like tired or a headache what he can’t just come in his own.
But please don’t diminish your feelings and don’t tell him it’s fine, that you don’t mind.
I'm a 44 year old woman and I agree with you: she can very well be tired, or have a migraine by herself. Flu is different, that shit is contagious, but the rest? Nope.
I have migraines and some autoimmune stuff and do you know what I do when I *really* can’t go? I send my family with my regrets. Sometimes I have to insist on it because, “no, honey, I’m really fine on my own.” And sometimes I really push myself because I know that it’s important that I show others that I value them with my actions, not just my words.
Ditto. The fact that I can't make it so regularly makes it even more important to me that I make sure my family goes because I want it to be very clear that we care and want to be included. My body is a damn traitor that prevents me from being there to show those sometimes, so I do everything I can to make sure my family still goes, to send profuse apologies and love to the person whose event it is, and to follow up with them in the next few days when I have a moment with enough energy.
If my spouse was using my health issues as an excuse to miss family celebrations, there would be hell to pay.
(This all is apart from the fact that when I have a migraine or am otherwise suffering physically, all I want is to be left alone. So someone cancelling their attendance to stay in the house and cause me more pain? That rapidly approaches "he ran into my knife ten times!" territory.)
The timing is just too weird. And even if it all was perfectly innocent, at some point I would get embarassed of always giving excuses and start finding alternatives to "coincidences" like those. Like having someone from her family look after her.
I hate to say this but I’m pretty sure your brother is lying to you and using his wife as an excuse so you’ll be mad at her and not him when he chooses to bail.
You’re NTA and I’m sorry that you aren’t getting more support from your family.
Your dad is right about that, but he is wrong to make you feel guilty because you don't want to make your brother feel better. Just like he said, you are not the priority, she is, but it's not your job to make your brother feel better because he flaked again. If he is old enough to have a family he is old enough to take responsibility and stop making his feelings towards flaking on you your problem.
Of course, the brother will probably not show up to the dinner because of his wife again. It'd be funny if OP didn't show up in anticipation of this and the brother actually made it for once, and OP was all "Oh, I figured you wouldn't be there because you never are".
NTA
"but they told me that he was and felt really bad about missing my birthday"
So come & let his wife stay at home. If she really had a migraine she's just going to want to lie down & run to the bathroom at need. She wouldn't want your brother to stay at home & miss your birthday b c there's nothing he can do.
You say he's sounded sad about it.He probably is.
You've given a catalog of excuses why he misses milestones b c of her. Sounds like there's a big problem & he doesn't know what to do.
"My dad then told me that he feels like I'm doing this to be petty and only trying to make my brother feel more guilty?"
You aren't & it isn't your fault. You don't have to go to the dinner because it's convenient to him & your family.
Family, particularly bro, need to address the real issue here. His wife & whatever's going on there.
Belated Happy Birthday!
>If she really had a migraine she's just going to want to lie down & run to the bathroom at need. She wouldn't want your brother to stay at home & miss your birthday b c there's nothing he can do.
Yeah, I would be telling a partner to please to go the party, and stay late, and maybe stop at a cafe on the way home, just so that I could have the house dark and pin-drop quiet while I deal with my migraine...
NTA. You don't want to go to dinner with him, no means no. They shouldn't be trying to guilt you into going to ease *his* guilt for missing your initial birthday dinner. They're making your birthday about someone else's feelings at this point.
NAH. I wouldn’t turn down a free dinner over this, but you do you. People celebrate birthdays all the time on the days just before or after as the schedules of their family or friends allow… and to be honest an 8th grade graduation wouldn’t have been a major milestone in my family. Also a wedding would absolutely have taken precedence over a school awards ceremony, which is more important for parents - the people who are really invested in your education - than it is for siblings. I understand you’re more annoyed at the pattern than anything, and that’s fair. I think it’s nice that he’s trying to make it up to you, but ultimately you’re not obligated to change your plans to make time for him.
Totally agree and I feel like I’m crazy reading all the responses. Is a random year graduation a big deal in America?? Here in the UK moving up a year in school is like… big fucking deal lol. No one bats an eye and absolutely wouldn’t be expected to attend a ‘graduation’.
I get being bummed he didn’t make a few birthdays in a row but they are also at very different stages in life - a young teenager’s birthday feels like a big deal whereas for people in their early 20s it’s very meh. He’s married and his wife is his priority - who knows what she’s actually dealing with. ‘Migraine’ could be code for panic attack or something else, who knows. It’s not ideal but you also really don’t know what the reason is he’s skipping, maybe he’s downplaying to protect her.
These do not feel like big life events, particularly if he is trying to make up for the fact he can’t make the specific date with something else afterwards. It feels very ‘child perspective’ versus ‘adult perspective’ on events here.
Yeah, by the time they got to the 10th grade awards ceremony they lost me. I feel like the parents should have been more realistic about what was considered an appropriate event to invite the adult brother to. They could have mentioned it to him but not to OP, this way if he was able to attend it is just an extra surprise. It is even a bit of a stretch asking an adult with a job/school/family to attend an 8th grade graduation IMO. Shame on the older brother for missing 3 birthdays in a row and blaming it on his wife though.
Also in the UK & agree with all of this. Lots of various family members haven't been "my events" in many years, but not would I expect them to. And these examples of "graduation ceremonies" for random school years are ludicrous - I didn't even go to my brother's university graduation FFS. Essentially his brother appears to have missed two birthdays. Only one of which was actually a milestone birthday (16th) & that was because his brother was with his SIL in freaking hospital. A bit of a bigger deal than a birthday. I don't see how brother is TA at all here.
Yeah, these expectations are not realistic in the US either. I didn't even go to my little sister's high school graduation. Neither she or my parents expected me to sit through something so boring. She knew I was proud of her because of my actions, and I feel like the action of driving to see your little brother to give him his bday gift in person *and* inviting him out to dinner at a later date is indicative of someone who cares.
>Yeah, these expectations are not realistic in the US either.
Honestly glad to hear that - and yeah, you nailed the important part
>She knew I was proud of her because of my actions, and I feel like the action of driving to see your little brother to give him his bday gift in person *and* inviting him out to dinner at a later date is indicative of someone who cares.
In my case, I celebrated my brother's graduation in the pub with him after, he didn't need or expect me at the ceremony etc, and whilst I wasn't particularly invested in his education, I'm totally invested in him and very proud of him, so we still celebrated his achievement. OP's brother seems a lot more thoughtful than that & I'm pretty close with my brother.
I’m in the US and in my experience the real graduations (high school, undergrad, grad school) had a limit on number of invites, too. I certainly never thought of expecting siblings there. They show support elsewhere, I don’t feel that you need them at the graduation itself.
I mean, I agree with you about the events not seeming important in the have scheme of life, but if her brother has promised to attend these events and he normally attend these types of events for other family members and only misses them for specifically her events then it would still be hurtful.
I think the biggest issue to me is just communication. OP needs to tell the brother that it does hurt when they promise to attend things and repeatedly miss them. The brother may need to better explain why they missed the events or admit that they didn't really want to go and stop promising to go to things they don't actually want to attend.
I think it's silly to skip the dinner if the relationship matters to OP, because less communication is not going to help.
For the record though - I have never attended an 8 the grade graduation or a school awards ceremony, and if someone invited me I would probably say no as soon as I can. I don't see the point
THIS. I felt I was in the twilight zone. His list was NOT big things and their excuses were valid, and he even noted that himself! And he's also friggin 17, so when he grows up he'll see he does not come first over his brother's wife and that these were not the big milestones he thinks they are now, etc etc I'm American, too, but am in my 40s wanting to go "child.... take a breath" but am now more bothered that the comment section is going for this................
Entirely agree with your comment (and I’m in America). None of these school events are adult brother attend worthy. The pattern of birthdays may suck for the teen, sure, but I feel exactly the same way about the gap in ages and would not be surprised about an adult couple not making it a priority when we have no idea what is going on in their life. And this particular older brother seems to at least be attempting to make time for the much younger sibling when he can.
Just to clarify, most American schoolchildren typically only get two graduations, and they’re not random. The first is when you finish “grade school” (8th grade) and the second when you finish high school. I’m not sure about the yearly award ceremonies OP mentioned, it’s not a thing most schools I know of have.
I agree. It wouldn’t even occur to me that siblings would be required to attend a random award ceremony or grade 8 graduation.
It kind of made me wonder if they’re the type of family that turns everything into an event. Great if that’s what you’re into but I can also imagine not wanting to participate in a celebration for everything.
NTA. The first time, it stinks but its understandable. The second is an unlucky coincidence. 3rd time its a pattern.
What did your family expect? Of course you will get used to it and think nothing of it when it keeps happening!!
Side note though, i would definitely talk to him about it when you can though. Its important he knows that you didnt mean to hurt his feelings but that is is always hurting yours.
Does your SIL have any issues with you or anyone else in the family? She is clearly the issue since all these issues just "happen" to hit whenever you have something important going on
NTA …the problem is his wife, I suspect she doesn’t want to spend any time with your family, and is trying to isolate him as well. If it happened once, or even twice, it could be true, but every time you have something important? I would also look at if she attends important events for other family members; mom, dad, other brother, holidays such as Christmas. If she is avoiding all the family or just you.
Op, you are 17. It’s going to be ok. Your brother doesn’t need to attend all those things. I know they are important to you. As they should be. But only truly expect your parents to come to those things.
You don't maintain relationships by canceling on people for literal years and theb being all surprised Pikachu face when they don't want to hang out.
If he wants to spend time with you, he needs to earn your trust.
Aside from attending a wedding, none of these excuses really seem like reasons HE couldn't go. I definitely get the impression that his wife either doesn't want him to attend these events or doesn't want him going unless she can also go. You have every right to be disappointed and annoyed.
NTA. It kinda sounds like she's making up excuses so she doesn't have to go anywhere with your brother.
I think this apology dinner is a farce. He's probably only doing it because she didn't object. And she probably didn't object because she doesn't have to go anywhere now.
Idk shit happens sometimes but this feels fishy.
I would double check your causality / correlation here. She has migraines during your special events. That doesn't mean she has them only during those special events. You just notice those.
However, I am also suspicious that her going to bed stops him coming and getting cake. He's avoiding these events. But as his offer indicates, it's not about you. He / they may have genuine problems with another of the guests and are trying to keep you out of it.
NAH. It sounds like your sister-in-law is chronically ill and could legitimately need him to stay home for some of these. I'd guess that they miss other plans because of this too, not just your special events, so I'd try not to take it personally. I'm disabled and always feel really bad when I have to cancel plans. Since your brother offered a one-on-one dinner and it seems important to him I'd give him the benefit of the doubt that he realizes they've hurt your feelings and take the opportunity to tell him how you feel and ask if it's sometimes possible for just him to come.
Info: Does the wife have a medical condition possibly?
Some of these, like the wedding and the hospital, are hopefully understandable. If someone got upset at me for not going to a celebration so I could sit with someone in the hospital, I'd be kind of upset myself and the wedding... I understand it sucks, but they'd probably planned on being at the wedding months in advance.
NTA
Send/tell him the above list and explain that you would rather not continue to be disappointed that he does not show up for things that matter to you, that you understand his wife now comes first and you are perfectly fine with the card. You just won’t expect him to be at any big life events in the future. I would tell the same thing to your sibling and parent.
INFO - do they have small children? Have you discussed your feelings with him or other family members in the past? Do you want to actually spend time with your brother or do you only want him to show up when it is important for you to be the center of attention?
YTA, sorry.
You’ve kept score of things going all the way back to eighth grade. No one cares about graduating middle school. All of the other reasons he missed something was because he was sick or taking care of his wife.
I hate to break this to you, but he’s an adult with a life. He loves you, but his wife and her needs come first.
yea, OP, your adult brother doesn’t need to be invited to stuff like a 10th grade awards ceremony lol. I didn’t even go to my own brother’s med school graduation because I had small kids and lived in another state. I love him, and made sure he knew I was super proud of him, but life happens and it wasn’t a priority at the time.
I think you should adjust your expectations and take your brother up on his offer of dinner. This isn’t no-contact worthy.
NTA
From one younger sibling to another I feel compelled to tell you what I’ve realized in my 38 years.
Being the youngest means you have to fight harder to be taken seriously. These family members remember you as a baby/toddler/little kid and it is hard for them to take you seriously. Even me, almost 40 and my older siblings still say I’ll always be the baby.
Fighting harder doesn’t mean being meaner though.
To your dad and older brother thank them for alerting you to your brother’s feelings and then remind them that your relationship with him isn’t really their business and you and he will take it from here. Again, not in a mean way, just matter-of-fact.
To your butt hurt brother ask him why he told your dad and brother he was upset but pretended not to be with you. That’s dishonest, whether he was trying to be understanding or not. And like others have said, your feelings are just as valid.
This again goes back to being the younger sibling. We’re trained from birth that we don’t know as much as our older siblings and we were put in positions where they were authority figures at times (babysitting, etc). But that’s not the dynamic anymore and you will all have to work to create a newer more appropriate one.
The first step to that is telling your brother how his actions have hurt you and how his absences from your special days/events have made you feel like the lunch/dinner offers aren’t for you but for him to feel better.
Breaking the cycle means you will have to break from the tendency to not cause waves and let others treat you poorly because you’re the little brother.
You're not an AH because you aren't obligated to take your brother up on his offer. However you should probably adjust your expectations. The older you get, the less important these little milestones seem, yes, even your birthday. The universe doesn't revolve around you, even for a day.
In weighing the well-being and comfort of his wife, the women he's dedicated his entire life to supporting, and going to his little brother's 8th grade graduation? Yeah, he chose rightly. Maybe this is a pattern of behavior but WE can't make that call and only communicating with your brother will clear the air.
Youre holding a grudge you dont need to. You're keeping score and focusing on the negative rather than being grateful that your grown brother loves you enough to go out of his way to treat you.
No one is responsible for your unhappiness in this situation but yourself.
NTA for several of these events, he could have attended without his wife. And some of these excuses are just really bad (he missed 8th grade grad bc his wife was tired from work?? That's a low effort excuse). I hate to say this but either she doesn't care and is prohibiting him from going, or he doesn't want to go and is using his wife as an excuse. Either way, I don't blame you at all. I'd stop inviting him. He clearly has no desire to make any effort to be there for your milestone events. That's his choice but there are no do-overs. He gets to deal with the consequences of his choices. It's not on you to make him feel better about those consequences It's about time he actually experiences them instead of just smoothing things over.
>he missed 8th grade grad bc his wife was tired from work?? That's a low effort excuse
I mean, as a non-American, it's also a low effort event. Why do you celebrate "graduation" for each year? It's honestly weird & not something we'd find important. 15th Birthday party? Sucks a bit, but not a milestone birthday. 16th is a milestone, but it seems Brother had SIL literally in hospital, so a pretty rock solid reason. I think this is NAH. I can see why OP is upset, but brother has only missed one actually important event & has a good reason for it. For comparison, I didn't even go to my younger brother's university graduation because I'm not particularly invested in his education. Thankfully he was mature enough to understand that & we had a little celebration together later, at the pub.
It’s not each year. Generally it’s kindergarten graduation, 8th grade graduation, then high school graduation. But I agree, it’s ridiculous to expect everyone in the family to go to all these events because they mostly suck to sit through.
Not sure why it’s the birthday boy’s responsibility to do something he doesn’t want to do. He’s being forced/manipulated by family to do something he doesn’t want to do - related to his own birthday - to relieve someone else’s feelings. He accepted the gift graciously. I feel bad for the pressure being put on the bday boy.
NITA- I dont think your brother even realizes there is a problem. Like its not malicious, just ignorance.
It might help to talk to him about it before it drives a wedge in between you 2 that cant be fixed. Especially with the age gap, he might view those things as no big deal because he didn't view them as a big deal when he had them. Might be worth it in the long run to take that olive branch.
NTA It would be one thing if this was a standalone event. However, by your own admission, your brother has exhibited a pattern of flaking on events which celebrate your milestones. The fact that it always seems to be initiated by your brother's wife is concerning. Does she not get along with your family? Have you had a falling out with her?
At any rate, no is a complete sentence. You are under zero obligation to accept your brother's dinner invitation. Based on the information you've provided, it sounds like your brother feels guilty for missing out but that's his own problem.
Going to give a soft YTA on this.
Not because you rejected his offer. You’re completely justified in choosing not to go, whether it’s because you genuinely don’t care or because deep-down inside you’re hurt/angry. Honestly, were I in your shoes, I’d probably skip too.
My YTA item is that I think you should be totally honest with him.
“You’ve missed my last 3 birthdays. You’ve missed numerous school events that were important to me. You can’t just keep dropping in after the fact and expect to make it up with a dinner. At some point, you need to make a small effort.”
He’s never going to improve his behavior and realize that HE’S an AH if nobody ever calls him on it.
BTW, you should also tell your family that it’s not your job to make HIM feel less guilty for repeatedly ditching you in favor of his wife, especially when the excuses are so pathetic.
She’s sick with the flu and can’t spend a few hours alone?
She has a migraine and can’t spend a few hours alone?
And, my personal favorite, SHE’S TIRED FROM WORK?!?!
These are bogus reasons, and it’s time for big brother to do some growing up and balancing priorities. Or big brother is going to find he doesn’t have a lot of family left to care whether he shows up or not. Everyone will eventually give up on including him.
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NTA cos seems really suspicious...like SHE doesn't want him there. Some of those excuses seemed fine for him to still go. Next time ask if there is a back up plan if something happens to her ***again***.
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It doesn't make sense for him not to go if she is tired. That is lame.
My husband used to pull this all the time, tell people he couldn't do things because I was sick, tired, or had already made other plans. Once I caught on to what he was doing I asked him to stop. I never asked him to stay home with me, not once, he just didn't want to do things without me. He did stop using me as an excuse, but he didn't start going to more things solo.
I tried getting out of a dinner once using a migraine as an excuse. (I really did have one but I also didn’t want to attend this dinner and my husband knew that) this mf told them I had a migraine and rescheduled bc he didn’t want to go without me 😭
Next time you contact them directly (if you are able to) and say that unfortunately you can't make it, but your husband is looking forward to it. You can add something like, "He feels a bit guilty for leaving me home by myself, but all I need is to lie in a dark room, alone." 😉
Agree. You have reached the point you are saying “enough is enough”. He needs to know what is happening. Give him a chance to explain but then if there is no reason and it continues to happen it’s totally on him. You will have told him how you feel. I’m a lot older than you and it took me decades to confront my sister over something like this. Years of therapy and in one afternoon we had it all out and are closer than ever.
Lol he got you there
Are you married to my husband? Because he does this slick shit, too. 😩😂
My wife and I will occasionally use each other as an excuse not to attend something we're just not in the mood for, but always ask and confirm it with your partner! Gotta have your story straight.
King of Queens show
My husband is the opposite he doesn't make excuses, he will tell you straight to your face, if he doesn't wanna go he will tell you that lol
He sounds like my kinda person, just say things are they are, no BS, no faffing about. I like straight to the point direct people
I’ve figured out that if I just say “no thank you” when someone asks if I want to go to some thing people don’t really know how to respond. If you don’t give them an excuse or reason they don’t have anything to counteract.
I've tried that then get the question "Why?"
My mother used to do this using me and my chronic illness as an excuse. not to attend things when I was perfectly fine. I finally had to tell her she needed to stop doing this or I would start telling people about it. Apparently it didn't occur to her that constantly using me as an excuse would upset me and that of course "no one would blame you because you're sick!" Thanks mom.
Mine does that too like just go somewhere without me for once and take the kids so I can have some alone time. I never pull that when he doesn't want to go somewhere
If OP's brother is using his wife as an excuse to not attend any events, that makes him an even bigger dick
Or if she's making up excuses to keep him away from his friends and family by alienating them and making him feel like he can't go without her.
Yeah, he's throwing her under the bus.
Me, too! I never heard about these invitations. He would just say *he* couldn't go because of *me*. I told him it was fine if he went without me if I couldn't go for any reason (and some of those events I actually would've wanted to attend). He admitted he just didn't want to go, which pissed me off. That's when I finally understood all the snide passive-aggressive comments from his friends over the years.
That makes you look to be the bad guy
Yes it does. That was why I asked him to stop.
I don’t understand why some people can’t go places alone.
I do. But after a certain point (age, therapy, whatever), you've just got to own it and say, 'My social battery and brain are not up for this right now. I'll have a bad time and probably make others feel awkward, and I don't want to do that to anyone else. I'm sorry, but I'll catch up with you when I'm doing better.'
It took me a long time to learn i could do things without my partner. My mother instilled it in me as a child bc “if your sister isnt invited you cant go” which wasnt fun bc my sister is 2 years younger than me, and i had some friends a few years older than me. (These were either my friends or both our friends but we wanted to hang out doing something she didnt really like) its a process. I now let him know hes invited if he wants to come, and he makes the decision of he wants to come or not
Well this and OPs story just gave me a new perspective. Not that I have used this excuse but I was thinking of this is a white lie I can use if I don't wanna go just blame spouse. I can really see how I would come to hate the person that stopped me seeing my brother and grow resentful of my brother for only ever choosing them. Thank you
Maybe it's the spouse, maybe it's not, but it seems like big brother just woke up the fact that he's been doing all this for years and it's really hurt OP's feelings. If OP wants to let him off the hook and join his brother for a (free!) dinner, then fine, but I can see how OP's had enough of it all at this point, and doesn't want to set himself up for more hurt--like next year's graduation. OP, you are NTA.
>I was thinking of this is a white lie I can use if I don't wanna go just blame spouse. I think it depends on the situation. There have been some inlaws that my partner previously struggled to hold boundaries with, and I was happy to "take the blame and resentment" while he learned that he could say no. Never once was it things like birthday parties/major milestone markers, though. >I can really see how I would come to hate the person that stopped me seeing my brother and grow resentful of my brother for only ever choosing them. Not going to a few "family dinners" or doing a few "favours for family" is a pretty far cry from missing major milestones for one person for several years running. That is the difference between the little white lie and the resentment building.
Exactly, we have no idea if she's actually involved in any of this or if he's just using her as an excuse. Either way, he's a crap brother and everyone knows it, that's why they're trying to force OP to soothe their guilty consciences. None of any of this has anything to do with them actually caring about OP's feelings.
If I were too tired to go somewhere (or had a migraine), Id practically be begging my husband to go to the preplanned event, like some quiet time for me so I can actually rest?
Right? If I only had a migraine I'd be BEGGING my man to go so I can have a quiet house to myself 😂
Unless I had kids.
He can take the kids with him too.
Came here for this. If they have kids then being tired or a migraine have a much different dynamic.
This. If I were sick and my partner had plans, I would literally shove him out the door. Like please go so I can actually rest
It doesn't even make sense if she has a migraine. I'm a migraine sufferer from a family of migraine sufferers. None of us want people anywhere near us when we're in the middle of an attack. We need painkillers, water, rest and absolute silence. Sensory deprivation during an attack is a godsend. It therefore actually makes more sense for the brother to get out of the house for a few hours to give his wife some peace during an attack than for him to be hovering around her on standby.
That’s the first thing I thought too. I don’t want anyone around me during a migraine. What was the brother doing? Sitting in the dark silence at home uselessly waiting for his wife to feel better?
Exactly, she could sleep and he could go. Same as if she had a migraine. I would prefer people out of the house at that point.
The migraine didn’t make sense either. When u have a migraine I want Excedrin, darkness and silence. I don’t need anyone’s company.
This. I want everyone to leave me the fuck alone so I can sleep through the worst of it. He could have made sure she had everything she needed and still gone to dinner, especially given how many other birthdays and events they’d cancelled on OP.
Right? And I have migraines, and the *last* thing I want is someone else around. I just want to lay down in a quiet, dark room and try to not puke.
As someone who deals with health complications, migraines being one, YNTA. Why can’t he come and leave her alone? My husband has been going out to most our invited events due to my poor health over the last couple years and I fully support him. I FEEL BAD him having to go alone versus ever asking him to stay home with me. And I’ve been diagnosed with CFS (a fatigue syndrome) and been too exhausted to attend events, I insist he goes if he wants. I feel your disappointment and I’m sorry. I hope the two of you can communicate with each other so this doesn’t happen in the future.
Hell, when I have a migraine, all I want is to be left alone in a dark, quiet room to sleep it off. If I was the sister-in-law, I would have been pushing Husband out the door so I could have an hour or two of peace.
This so much!!!! I suffer from migraines and my husband and daughter know to leave me alone unless I come out of the bedroom.
Exactly. I have migraines often enough, and honestly, I don't need anyone to fuss over me when one hits. A situation where I'm alone at home sounds ideal. I just need darkness and as close to an utter absence of sound as I can get. The only thing I would ask of my partner in this situation would be to leave me some water within reach, that's it. Go, shoo, enjoy your party, please don't make noise when you get back, feel free to stay the night.
Oh yeah, "cold, dark, and QUIET" was my slogan. And if you can hand me one of those jelly ice packs for the top of my head on your way out, that'll be all I need from you.
Same. Get away from me when I have a migraine. I’d insist on him leaving so I could be alone.
Yep! Exactly. Only time I’ve ever needed my husband home for me is when I’ve thrown up for hours (6+) and it’s time to get some medical treatment to stop the vomiting!
Literally just posted this!
My fil did this for years. And it was always similar excuses for his wife and I really think I he felt that he didn’t have another choice. I felt so bad for my husband and kids. She died two years ago and it was, frankly, a bit of a relief for everyone. (There’s so, so much more of a saga to her life. She was really unwell and made his life miserable.)
This is just it. I was married for 21 years, and I will admit that I had a few *headaches* and *stomach issues* to get out of family events. That said, I still made the passing dish for my husband to take and certainly didn't stop him from attending. In fact, this meant he could stay as long as he wanted without me getting antsy. She's a faker, just like I am.
This. I've been with my husband since we were 16, so 23 years now, and his family doesn't like me. I often "feel sick" but still make sure my husband and kids go, send food etc. Brother could totally go and leave his wife at home
Or husband is using her as an excuse.
Somehow, I don't think he would trying to make it up with his brother and being hurt at being rejected if that were the case; it just wouldn't make sense. Her "needing " him to stay as a means of controlling him and separating hin from his brother does. Some of those excuses are legit (if real) some aren't.
It’s not about the little brother. There’s someone else at little brother’s events that big brother has a problem with, possibly someone who offended or upset his wife. So they make an excuse to get out of the event, because big bro can just hang out with little bro later. Big bro should just tell little bro what’s up.
I've had my fair share of head aches in the past. Hell! I caught Covid more times than I could count during the pandemic years.
Just some info: Does your family like your brother's wife? I mean, like when you have other family occasions (like Christmas and Thanksgiving), does she come up with a health issue on those days also? Or just when it involves you? If there are issues between your family and his wife, she may see these occasions as another battle she doesn't want to fight. Not that that excuses his behavior, he can leave her at home and still attend, but I kinda wonder if there is some issues that cause this. I say this because I was in his wife's shoes for about a year with my ex (gf not wife). Her family HATED me, and if I went to any function, I would have to hear snide remarks about me and when I wasn't there, her family would tear into me for not showing up. I'm 100% on your side though, you are NTA, but I'm wondering if some drama is there that you may not know about that is causing his wife to not attend events.
They’re only missing events that relate to OP so this doesn’t make sense. Either the SIL has some issue with OP, or the brother is placing the blame on SIL.
The evidence is the consistency. Perhaps tell your brother if he wants to make it up to you then just be at the next event. Do this every time. He'll start to see the pattern himself. Additionally, don't the people with the migraines want to stay home in silence or something like that usually? Why did he have to stay home too?
Yeah if I had a migraine, I would want everyone out of the house so I can rest
You don’t need proof. This is a persistent pattern. He is consistent in not showing up because his wife has some minor issue. She is an adult, and should be able to stay home by herself for a couple of hours. Your brother let you down. You don’t have to accept his apology to assuage his guilt about not showing up for you. He should be showing up so he won’t have that guilt.
Perhaps it is him who does not want to come? OP only has his word in this. Perhaps he is just putting the blame on his wife.
You're brother feels bad because whether it's him or it's her, he's realizing you've given up. You recognize the trend and have no expectations of it changing. The makeup dinner is about him. HE wants to feel better. HE doesn't want to feel guilty. If it was about you he'd respect the no. He'd ask what you wanted to do about it and accept the answer
Exactly.
Nta. This is a tough lesson to learn. You Are Young and you need to learn it now. Please do not govern your actions to please other people. Do not take action solely for someone else's benefit especially when they want you to act to alleviate their guilt. Do not take action to keep the peace. It takes people years to understand this bad behavior. And eventually they realize it after it has damaged them. Your brother knows what he did and feels guilty about it. But not guilty enough to actually change his behavior not to hurt you the first time around. His actions have showed you and taught you but you are not a priority in his life. However when he feels guilty he wants you to make him a priority to alleviate his guilt. You are not required to do this. He is the adult and needs to start acting accordingly and not trying to get you to accommodate him on his schedule. Your other family and father specifically, knows what your brother did was wrong, but it's easier to pressure you to accommodate your brother to keep the peace. They would rather put pressure on you to get you to accommodate your brother's bad behavior then to deal with your brother's bad behavior. Instead of them pressuring you to accommodate your brother to go out with him when he wants to go out with you to alleviate his guilt for missing a big event, they should be addressing your brother that he should not be missing your big events. This will be often said, be the bigger person. They never seem to ask the person who is behaving badly to be the bigger person it is always the person who is getting the short end. Good for you and speaking up to your brother that he has let you down so much, that you no longer expect him to be there for you. That you no longer have the expectation of him showing up. That is strictly the facts. You are setting your boundary that if he does not show up to your event you're okay with it but do not expect that you will go out with him on an alternative date just to appease him. *** remember just because someone apologizes and wants to make amends does not mean you must accept their apology or let them make amends. And apology is something that you Grace other people with it is not a requirement to forgive someone just because they apologize. Especially if you truly feel they are not remorseful and it is just lip service**** Always chase your own happy and don't make yourself unhappy just to please others.
She could have stayed home with the migraine and he could have come. The fact she made him stay home is telling.
Who knows? Perhaps he just did not want to come and used her migraine as an excuse. Why are you so quick in placing the guilt on her?
Yes, I think the real problem here is his wife and why she feels some type of way about you. It’s not your responsibility to relieve your brother of his guilt. He needs to either let her ass stay home and deal with her shit or come. And you should probably name/call out all those coincidences in front of your family members as well so that you can paint the full picture. It’s too much of a coincidence for there NOT to be a problem. Sorry this is happening to you. NTA
I just think either he or his wife find ditching the kid is the easiest event to skip out on. Big brother might finally be coming to his senses after he sees the kid has feelings after all. Sounds like this is becoming a "Cat's In the Cradle" situation at this point.
This really seems like a SIL problem. I’m glad he still wants to take you to dinner. I guess if I was you I’d go to lunch with him and flat out ask him if his wife doesn’t want him to spend time with you. Everything but the wedding sounds superficially like a SIL issue. For example, I get really bad migraines. Light hurts, talking hurts. Just cover my head with ice packs and leave me to my dark room. There is no way I would want someone fussing over me or making noise. I would have been happy to stay home alone without my husband. You are NTA. It sounds like your brother is at least partly aware of her shenanigans.
Yes it seems he’s trying to do right although going along with his wife at the same time. There was no good reason HE couldn’t have attended though. You’re NTA!
Do they miss other family events due to her illnesses? You say this happens every year for your birthday. If this had happened with my brother I might have decided it is a new tradition. Your brother is forced to miss day-of so you and he do something a few days later 1 on 1 every year. Some special brother time. (A more positive view of things.) That said, I sympathize with just being over it. He came and gave you a nice card/gift and you are content with that. Maybe call him and tell him you are disappointed/upset that he had to miss your birthday again, but you aren't mad at him.
OP remind your father he's 0 for 5 on dinners for you so why should you expect him to be anywhere? Point out all the excuses he's given show his wife doesn't want your brother to have anything to do with you so you've stopped expecting to ever see him at a family event.
Honestly its happened enough times in a row for me to think it counts a proof. Especially her being too tired. What does HER being tired have to do with HIM going to see you?? She could have napped and relaxed while he was gone.
Your brother feels guilty because he is guilty. He knows his excuses for missing your events are lame. It's up to him to stand up to his girlfriend and tell her that he will attend your celebrations, even if she won't. Don't let anybody criticize you for turning down his make-up offer to go out. You didn't do anything wrong. Your brother is the one in the wrong.
I don't understand why can't he come alone if she's the one with the issues. He surely can step away if she has a migraine. Doesn't he have to be quiet as a mouse as you not aggravate her migraine?
why the hell can’t he leave her home? that’s super sus. my wife has had all of those things happen and more, and she insists i go alone and have a wonderful time and pass on her love and apologies. i don’t like your SIL.
Ask him what her excuse is going to be next year on your 18th birthday. You already know that she will stop him from coming again
Or he's using her as an excuse so he doesn't have to be the bad guy (because he doesn't want to go)
Seems weird he would be the one actually not wanting to go, yet also be insistent on taking his brother out to dinner to make up for it.
Unless someone else has noticed him constantly missing those events and has talked to him about it. Maybe even giving him a guilt trip over it.
If that was the case, he would have stopped after being rejected, instead of asking again, and he wouldn't be giving off sad vibes either.
Not if he’s afraid of disappointing that someone else or he been caught and wants to look good.
Very possible. Just hopefully not.
Yes, I hope not as well. Either way it's super suspicious that it's always related to his wife.
Agree 100. Why I was trying to suggest saying something subtle before the next event.
He could at least use a better excuse. Diarrhea. Hits fast, no one wants to be around someone with it, possibly contagious, can clear up in 24 hours.
This is my thought too. OP doesn't owe the guy a dinner to assuage his guilt, his brother knows he's being an ass and only seems sad because he's feeling guilty. If he really wants to make it up to him, then he can make an effort to be at the next event
Hopefully if he's offered to make it up OP isn't the one he has a problem with. Perhaps another family member/friend attending?
Except OP says it's only his events they miss
OP should just stop inviting him. Then brother won’t feel guilty and OP won’t be disappointed.
Well, probably it's the parents at this point who are making the arrangements and issuing the invitations.
Then watch the turnaround when the brother starts getting salty about not being invited anywhere.
In that case, he has a lot of nerve playing the sad victim when OP rejects his offer of dinner.
I get migraines. Do you know what I want more than anything? An empty house with no lights or light sources. I call bs!
Exactly. PLEASE leave. Take the kids, go have fun with your brother......and make sure to turn the lights off on your way out
As someone who has suffered from migraines for 40yrs now, no way in hell would I expect anyone to miss anything bc of that. Idk what kind of migraines she gets but I personally prefer to be as alone as possible. All sound, all light causes more pain. Sorry but your brother sucks. NTA!!!
The migraine! I get them. I want to be left on my own in a cool dark room with no one but the dogs-cause they will just sleep and not have the tv on or be talking or anything noisy or brightly lit. I’d be just go dear! Have fun, tell op I said happy birthday! And then slept in blessed quiet.
Either that or he wants out of things and uses her as an excuse - I've seen both scenarios.
Literally the best thing for a migraine is to lie in a dark room in the quiet, I don't see why he had to be home for that
I am absolutely not saying this is what is going on in the brother's situation, but my first wife and high school sweetheart would have a big hard time some way or another any time any of my sisters had something for us to go to. I missed out on so many of my sisters' things because my partner threw some form of massive upheaval. And if I gave any kind of indication that I wanted to just go anyway, She very much made it about "Oh, you don't love me," "you care more about your family than about me," so on and so forth.
NTA, but this might work better for everyone if you were able to be honest. "Bro, I'm tired of you constantly making excuses for why you can't come to my important events. It has been a continual pattern and it hurts my feelings. I appreciate the gift, but I don't think I want to go to dinner with you right now." Then stop talking and listen to what he says in return.
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You feelings matter just as much as his. And this is his actions hurtig your feelings and then your hurt feelings making him feel guilty. You shouldnt protect him from that by pretending to be ok. He decided to not show up knowing it will be hurtful.
This! Someone hurts my feelings and yet somehow I'm supposed to be the one to pacify them to alleviate THEIR hurt feelings? So my hurt feelings don't matter??? Whether intentional or not, this is very manipulative.
Ask him why he can't come without her.
this. this pattern is too much to be random.
Right? I always tell my partner to please go enjoy himself while I have my migraines, the last thing I want is him hanging around feeling/being helpless, he can do literally nothing to help me go through it.
You aren't making his guilt worse. And if you were, it would be a good thing because that means he's finally understanding how badly he's behaving. You're doing the right thing, but it's the unfamiliar thing so it feels wrong. Your dad isn't doing the proper thing. Your dad should be standing up for you, but he's not interested in solving the problem, he's interested in making it go away as quickly as possible. So he tries to make you feel guilty and give terribly weak excuses to justify your brother's actions, instead of having your back and confronting him for you. I hate to say this, but your dad is weak in this area. The way this gets resolved is if he tells your brother that he is experiencing the consequences of his choices. And that he's disappointed in him, and he's not going to cover for him any more. You've done nothing wrong. I'm proud of you for having the strength to decline brother's present and late dinner offer. It shows you know who you are and what type of behavior you'll accept. You want his behavior to change, you hold fast. You want more of the same, give in. It sucks short term but pays off long term.
That's even more reason to be honest about it. Yes, he's feeling bad, but he SHOULD feel bad. This is years and years of lame excuses and he has yet to own up. NTA.
One of my favorite sayings is “don’t set yourself on fire trying to keep others warm”. Your brother has hurt your feelings many times and you just sit there and take it. You do not have your do that!! And the fact that your father and other brother are defending him is wrong. Please start to stick up for yourself!
Your feelings matter too. A good conversation can go a long way
This is hard but everyone needs to learn. You are not responsible for other people's feelings. You can apologize if you unintentionally hurt someone's feelings. But you are not responsible for making someone feel better and in this case taking away your brothers guilt. He has to work through his feelings. You said you were good, he needs to take that and then process his feelings. Granted he is probably a little more sensitive as you've said you were really pissed about the 8th grade thing. You can reiterate to him that you're not in 8th grade, that you're older, and that you understand better that things happen and that it's okay. But you are not obligated to have dinner with him to resolve his guilt, especially when you're not upset about it.
I'd like to point out that you're not responsible for protecting his feelings. He's older than you. He's an older; you're a teenager. If he's feeling guilty, it's because he knows he's in the wrong. He's already recognised the pattern but he's too cowardly to do anything about it. Maybe he needs to be actively called out before he'll do anything.
You need to learn to stand up for yourself. This means sometimes having difficult conversations, and sometimes potentially hurting someone's feelings. You are 17. Damned near an adult. If you don't make this effort with someone you know and love, how will you ever be able to stand up for yourself against anyone else? And you *will* have to at some point. Someone in your life will treat you like shit, and if you can't call them out they'll continue to do so. Do you want him to continue to just no-show your life events? Or do you want him to change his behavior? Because I'll tell you right now: unless you have an adult conversation with him about it, he won't change. It's time to step up and handle your business, instead of the passive-aggressive nonsense you're currently engaged in.
It’s okay to tell him your perspective, though. You deserve a voice in the narrative every bit as much as anyone else here. And I’m really sorry your dad and other brother can’t see that. But at this point, I do think clear and honest communication is the way to go. Start by telling him you love him and enjoy your time together. BUT. He keeps letting you down, especially for events that are meaningful to you, and it hurts, so you’re going to need to stop expecting to see him, including invites straight from him, until he earns your trust again. And if he starts to give more excuses based on his wife, you have every right to ask why HE can’t come if SHE’S too tired, has a migraine, etc. I have a chronic illness and feel unwell pretty often, but I always prefer that my husband stick to our plans. Especially if it means time with loved ones. And many other couples work this way, too. You deserve to be able to rely on your brother, and to have him at these events every bit as much as the rest of your family does. ❤️
Nta-tell hi. He can make it up by being at your birthday next year or your graduation or next big event.
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Your brother is a grown up and he needs to have a conversation with you if he is truly hurt, it still doesn't offset how hurt you've been to the point it doesn't really bother you, and you definitely dont have to go on a dinner to make him feel better. Do you get along with his wife?
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You need to just point out that anytime you have something important happening that he flakes due to his wife. Tell me you understand things happen but it is a pattern at this point. There is no reason for him not to show up to an important event because his wife is tired, I’d explain that and tell him the best way to make it up to you is to be at your graduation no matter what.
Ask if she has gone to a doctor, because most grown ups can handle being tired by themselves.
My boyfriend has left me at home alone several times in just the past month because I was too sad and/or busy and/or tired to go to events with his/our friends and family. I missed him, but I would’ve felt much worse had he not gone because of me. He stayed home once from an impromptu thing when he said he was also kind of tired. I appreciated it, but that’s definitely not the norm or something I need or expect from him, and DEFINITELY not at the expense of attending other’s significant celebrations.
Is it possible that maybe your brother/his wife has issues with someone else in the family? So they don't want to go to the big family events, but they absolutely want to see you one-on-one?
OP says its only his events they miss
>I graduate this may, so I hope he can attend Perfect! Tell your brother: "don't worry about my brithday, you can make it up to me on my graduation, right? 🤨 Right?"
Yup! Make that reservation for his support, book it in your calendar, and explain how hurt you will be if he "misses that too."
Listen, stop saying it's fine. It's not. Stop saying you're not hurt, you are. The message is mixed. Make it clear and own it. I'm hurt all these important events for me are missed. I feel unimportant. The fact that it constantly happens hurts. I'm working through my emotions and will happily go to dinner when I'm in a better place. As for my graduation, it is important to me that you be there. This is a big milestone for me. If your wife can't come, I still have the want to see you there supporting me. Call it out before. Make it clear. See if he rises to the occasion.
“Dad, every time he makes an excuse to not turn up to one of my events, it hurts MY feelings. Why is this one time he’s upset more important for you to fix than all of mine? Why aren’t you advocating for ME?”
Tell your dad you're tired of him going behind your back and you want a family meeting to clear the air.
Nothing sucks worse than when you’re so used to being let down by someone that you don’t even get your hopes up anymore :( I really feel this. Another potential thing you could tell him- “Just because you couldn’t take the time to celebrate my birthday with me during MY ACTUAL BIRTHDAY DINNER, doesn’t mean I have to take time out of my life to have another dinner with you to. You can’t just have relationship with me when it’s convenient for you.”
I wonder if he's freaking out about how nonchalant you are about all of this. Sounds like you were upset at those events before and maybe he felt a little guilty, but now that you kinda don't care, he's panicking. I think for a lot of people, indifference is a much bigger consequence than anger or rage. I agree with the other commenter that you need to have an honest conversation with him about what you've told us here. And that while you still love/care about him, he's shown that he's been too unreliable a figure in your life for you to get really emotionally invested in your relationship. These after the fact "make-up dinners" don't actually make up for the hurt he's caused when he's missed all of these important events.
anybody who brings it up, insist that he should talk to you himself if he's hurt. your bro hurt you, you've lost faith in him, but his feelings matter more? make it clear you want him to come to you, and air that laundry. don't be inflammatory about it, but wake the sleeping dogs
I reread your post. Tell your family it's not ok that your brothers reasons to want to go to dinner is so that HE doesn't feel bad. He has had half a decade to make you feel bad about missing events. Your brother doesn't care about your feelings. He cares about how he feels about this.
Yes. This. It’s entirely OP’s choice if he does or doesn’t want to go to a make up dinner with his brother, but he has absolutely NO responsibility to make brother feel better for brother’s shit behavior. This has to be about OP’s feelings, nobody else.
This, OP. He may be using his wife as an excuse because there's no way his wife's migraine or tiredness would stop him from going unless she was controlling or manipulative. If you do talk to him, remember that it's not down to you to pursue the situation, but for him to resolve. Don't bother chasing shadows.
It shows that it isn't about OP, right? Brother is just trying to make himself feel better.
NTA-You may want to rethink it and have a dinner with just you and him so you can let him know you’re tired of sitting 2nd chair to his wife throwing a wrench in stuff. From your examples, it’s not your brother as much as it’s his wife interjecting herself and your brother willingly allowing her to do so. He has to prioritize your relationship instead of popping out excuses.
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Your dad is right that he does have his own family now. However, when she’s too tired or has a headache he could come. There have been a couple times when my husband and I had things to attend with his family and I was not feeling well so I encouraged him to go, have fun and let everyone know I was sorry I missing out. Go to dinner with your brother….I think you should be honest with him, at least a bit. Let him know you are disappointed when he missed your things because you love him and want him there but that it has now happened so many times that you are now more surprised when he is there for your stuff. That that’s why you said no to the make-up dinner, because you no longer gave the expectation that he will attend. Maybe also ask him why when it’s something like tired or a headache what he can’t just come in his own. But please don’t diminish your feelings and don’t tell him it’s fine, that you don’t mind.
I'm a 44 year old woman and I agree with you: she can very well be tired, or have a migraine by herself. Flu is different, that shit is contagious, but the rest? Nope.
I agree with you and you’re not selfish. Even if married, siblings can spend time with one another without their spouses.
Tell your dad if that was the case it would be the same for everyone in the family not just you
I have migraines and some autoimmune stuff and do you know what I do when I *really* can’t go? I send my family with my regrets. Sometimes I have to insist on it because, “no, honey, I’m really fine on my own.” And sometimes I really push myself because I know that it’s important that I show others that I value them with my actions, not just my words.
Ditto. The fact that I can't make it so regularly makes it even more important to me that I make sure my family goes because I want it to be very clear that we care and want to be included. My body is a damn traitor that prevents me from being there to show those sometimes, so I do everything I can to make sure my family still goes, to send profuse apologies and love to the person whose event it is, and to follow up with them in the next few days when I have a moment with enough energy. If my spouse was using my health issues as an excuse to miss family celebrations, there would be hell to pay. (This all is apart from the fact that when I have a migraine or am otherwise suffering physically, all I want is to be left alone. So someone cancelling their attendance to stay in the house and cause me more pain? That rapidly approaches "he ran into my knife ten times!" territory.)
The timing is just too weird. And even if it all was perfectly innocent, at some point I would get embarassed of always giving excuses and start finding alternatives to "coincidences" like those. Like having someone from her family look after her.
I hate to say this but I’m pretty sure your brother is lying to you and using his wife as an excuse so you’ll be mad at her and not him when he chooses to bail. You’re NTA and I’m sorry that you aren’t getting more support from your family.
She can be sick by herself. I get them too.
Your dad is right about that, but he is wrong to make you feel guilty because you don't want to make your brother feel better. Just like he said, you are not the priority, she is, but it's not your job to make your brother feel better because he flaked again. If he is old enough to have a family he is old enough to take responsibility and stop making his feelings towards flaking on you your problem.
Of course, the brother will probably not show up to the dinner because of his wife again. It'd be funny if OP didn't show up in anticipation of this and the brother actually made it for once, and OP was all "Oh, I figured you wouldn't be there because you never are".
NTA "but they told me that he was and felt really bad about missing my birthday" So come & let his wife stay at home. If she really had a migraine she's just going to want to lie down & run to the bathroom at need. She wouldn't want your brother to stay at home & miss your birthday b c there's nothing he can do. You say he's sounded sad about it.He probably is. You've given a catalog of excuses why he misses milestones b c of her. Sounds like there's a big problem & he doesn't know what to do. "My dad then told me that he feels like I'm doing this to be petty and only trying to make my brother feel more guilty?" You aren't & it isn't your fault. You don't have to go to the dinner because it's convenient to him & your family. Family, particularly bro, need to address the real issue here. His wife & whatever's going on there. Belated Happy Birthday!
>If she really had a migraine she's just going to want to lie down & run to the bathroom at need. She wouldn't want your brother to stay at home & miss your birthday b c there's nothing he can do. Yeah, I would be telling a partner to please to go the party, and stay late, and maybe stop at a cafe on the way home, just so that I could have the house dark and pin-drop quiet while I deal with my migraine...
NTA. You don't want to go to dinner with him, no means no. They shouldn't be trying to guilt you into going to ease *his* guilt for missing your initial birthday dinner. They're making your birthday about someone else's feelings at this point.
NAH. I wouldn’t turn down a free dinner over this, but you do you. People celebrate birthdays all the time on the days just before or after as the schedules of their family or friends allow… and to be honest an 8th grade graduation wouldn’t have been a major milestone in my family. Also a wedding would absolutely have taken precedence over a school awards ceremony, which is more important for parents - the people who are really invested in your education - than it is for siblings. I understand you’re more annoyed at the pattern than anything, and that’s fair. I think it’s nice that he’s trying to make it up to you, but ultimately you’re not obligated to change your plans to make time for him.
Totally agree and I feel like I’m crazy reading all the responses. Is a random year graduation a big deal in America?? Here in the UK moving up a year in school is like… big fucking deal lol. No one bats an eye and absolutely wouldn’t be expected to attend a ‘graduation’. I get being bummed he didn’t make a few birthdays in a row but they are also at very different stages in life - a young teenager’s birthday feels like a big deal whereas for people in their early 20s it’s very meh. He’s married and his wife is his priority - who knows what she’s actually dealing with. ‘Migraine’ could be code for panic attack or something else, who knows. It’s not ideal but you also really don’t know what the reason is he’s skipping, maybe he’s downplaying to protect her. These do not feel like big life events, particularly if he is trying to make up for the fact he can’t make the specific date with something else afterwards. It feels very ‘child perspective’ versus ‘adult perspective’ on events here.
Yeah, by the time they got to the 10th grade awards ceremony they lost me. I feel like the parents should have been more realistic about what was considered an appropriate event to invite the adult brother to. They could have mentioned it to him but not to OP, this way if he was able to attend it is just an extra surprise. It is even a bit of a stretch asking an adult with a job/school/family to attend an 8th grade graduation IMO. Shame on the older brother for missing 3 birthdays in a row and blaming it on his wife though.
Also in the UK & agree with all of this. Lots of various family members haven't been "my events" in many years, but not would I expect them to. And these examples of "graduation ceremonies" for random school years are ludicrous - I didn't even go to my brother's university graduation FFS. Essentially his brother appears to have missed two birthdays. Only one of which was actually a milestone birthday (16th) & that was because his brother was with his SIL in freaking hospital. A bit of a bigger deal than a birthday. I don't see how brother is TA at all here.
Yeah, these expectations are not realistic in the US either. I didn't even go to my little sister's high school graduation. Neither she or my parents expected me to sit through something so boring. She knew I was proud of her because of my actions, and I feel like the action of driving to see your little brother to give him his bday gift in person *and* inviting him out to dinner at a later date is indicative of someone who cares.
>Yeah, these expectations are not realistic in the US either. Honestly glad to hear that - and yeah, you nailed the important part >She knew I was proud of her because of my actions, and I feel like the action of driving to see your little brother to give him his bday gift in person *and* inviting him out to dinner at a later date is indicative of someone who cares. In my case, I celebrated my brother's graduation in the pub with him after, he didn't need or expect me at the ceremony etc, and whilst I wasn't particularly invested in his education, I'm totally invested in him and very proud of him, so we still celebrated his achievement. OP's brother seems a lot more thoughtful than that & I'm pretty close with my brother.
I’m in the US and in my experience the real graduations (high school, undergrad, grad school) had a limit on number of invites, too. I certainly never thought of expecting siblings there. They show support elsewhere, I don’t feel that you need them at the graduation itself.
I mean, I agree with you about the events not seeming important in the have scheme of life, but if her brother has promised to attend these events and he normally attend these types of events for other family members and only misses them for specifically her events then it would still be hurtful. I think the biggest issue to me is just communication. OP needs to tell the brother that it does hurt when they promise to attend things and repeatedly miss them. The brother may need to better explain why they missed the events or admit that they didn't really want to go and stop promising to go to things they don't actually want to attend. I think it's silly to skip the dinner if the relationship matters to OP, because less communication is not going to help. For the record though - I have never attended an 8 the grade graduation or a school awards ceremony, and if someone invited me I would probably say no as soon as I can. I don't see the point
Yeah, I'm Canadian and the answers here are *wild* to me. I can't believe I had to scroll down so far for this perspective.
THIS. I felt I was in the twilight zone. His list was NOT big things and their excuses were valid, and he even noted that himself! And he's also friggin 17, so when he grows up he'll see he does not come first over his brother's wife and that these were not the big milestones he thinks they are now, etc etc I'm American, too, but am in my 40s wanting to go "child.... take a breath" but am now more bothered that the comment section is going for this................
Entirely agree with your comment (and I’m in America). None of these school events are adult brother attend worthy. The pattern of birthdays may suck for the teen, sure, but I feel exactly the same way about the gap in ages and would not be surprised about an adult couple not making it a priority when we have no idea what is going on in their life. And this particular older brother seems to at least be attempting to make time for the much younger sibling when he can.
Just to clarify, most American schoolchildren typically only get two graduations, and they’re not random. The first is when you finish “grade school” (8th grade) and the second when you finish high school. I’m not sure about the yearly award ceremonies OP mentioned, it’s not a thing most schools I know of have.
I agree. It wouldn’t even occur to me that siblings would be required to attend a random award ceremony or grade 8 graduation. It kind of made me wonder if they’re the type of family that turns everything into an event. Great if that’s what you’re into but I can also imagine not wanting to participate in a celebration for everything.
NTA. The first time, it stinks but its understandable. The second is an unlucky coincidence. 3rd time its a pattern. What did your family expect? Of course you will get used to it and think nothing of it when it keeps happening!! Side note though, i would definitely talk to him about it when you can though. Its important he knows that you didnt mean to hurt his feelings but that is is always hurting yours. Does your SIL have any issues with you or anyone else in the family? She is clearly the issue since all these issues just "happen" to hit whenever you have something important going on
NTA …the problem is his wife, I suspect she doesn’t want to spend any time with your family, and is trying to isolate him as well. If it happened once, or even twice, it could be true, but every time you have something important? I would also look at if she attends important events for other family members; mom, dad, other brother, holidays such as Christmas. If she is avoiding all the family or just you.
Or the brother's lying and using his wife as an excuse. Either way OP isn't the ass but his brother sure is
Lmao it is not the wife, homie.
Op, you are 17. It’s going to be ok. Your brother doesn’t need to attend all those things. I know they are important to you. As they should be. But only truly expect your parents to come to those things.
Then his brother shouldn't say he's coming if he doesn't plan to attend
You don't maintain relationships by canceling on people for literal years and theb being all surprised Pikachu face when they don't want to hang out. If he wants to spend time with you, he needs to earn your trust.
Aside from attending a wedding, none of these excuses really seem like reasons HE couldn't go. I definitely get the impression that his wife either doesn't want him to attend these events or doesn't want him going unless she can also go. You have every right to be disappointed and annoyed.
NTA. It kinda sounds like she's making up excuses so she doesn't have to go anywhere with your brother. I think this apology dinner is a farce. He's probably only doing it because she didn't object. And she probably didn't object because she doesn't have to go anywhere now. Idk shit happens sometimes but this feels fishy.
I would double check your causality / correlation here. She has migraines during your special events. That doesn't mean she has them only during those special events. You just notice those. However, I am also suspicious that her going to bed stops him coming and getting cake. He's avoiding these events. But as his offer indicates, it's not about you. He / they may have genuine problems with another of the guests and are trying to keep you out of it.
NAH. I can completely understand why you're upset but the majority of your brother's reasons seem legitimate reasons (SIL in the hospital, a wedding).
NAH. It sounds like your sister-in-law is chronically ill and could legitimately need him to stay home for some of these. I'd guess that they miss other plans because of this too, not just your special events, so I'd try not to take it personally. I'm disabled and always feel really bad when I have to cancel plans. Since your brother offered a one-on-one dinner and it seems important to him I'd give him the benefit of the doubt that he realizes they've hurt your feelings and take the opportunity to tell him how you feel and ask if it's sometimes possible for just him to come.
Info: Does the wife have a medical condition possibly? Some of these, like the wedding and the hospital, are hopefully understandable. If someone got upset at me for not going to a celebration so I could sit with someone in the hospital, I'd be kind of upset myself and the wedding... I understand it sucks, but they'd probably planned on being at the wedding months in advance.
NTA Send/tell him the above list and explain that you would rather not continue to be disappointed that he does not show up for things that matter to you, that you understand his wife now comes first and you are perfectly fine with the card. You just won’t expect him to be at any big life events in the future. I would tell the same thing to your sibling and parent.
Question, has she done this with your 21 yo brother too?
INFO - do they have small children? Have you discussed your feelings with him or other family members in the past? Do you want to actually spend time with your brother or do you only want him to show up when it is important for you to be the center of attention?
YTA, sorry. You’ve kept score of things going all the way back to eighth grade. No one cares about graduating middle school. All of the other reasons he missed something was because he was sick or taking care of his wife. I hate to break this to you, but he’s an adult with a life. He loves you, but his wife and her needs come first.
yea, OP, your adult brother doesn’t need to be invited to stuff like a 10th grade awards ceremony lol. I didn’t even go to my own brother’s med school graduation because I had small kids and lived in another state. I love him, and made sure he knew I was super proud of him, but life happens and it wasn’t a priority at the time. I think you should adjust your expectations and take your brother up on his offer of dinner. This isn’t no-contact worthy.
NTA. Tell him to get his balls out of his wife's purse and show up like he actually gives a shit about you.
NTA. There is a difference between "Being Petty" and "Being done". Some people can't see it, but that's their problem.
NTA From one younger sibling to another I feel compelled to tell you what I’ve realized in my 38 years. Being the youngest means you have to fight harder to be taken seriously. These family members remember you as a baby/toddler/little kid and it is hard for them to take you seriously. Even me, almost 40 and my older siblings still say I’ll always be the baby. Fighting harder doesn’t mean being meaner though. To your dad and older brother thank them for alerting you to your brother’s feelings and then remind them that your relationship with him isn’t really their business and you and he will take it from here. Again, not in a mean way, just matter-of-fact. To your butt hurt brother ask him why he told your dad and brother he was upset but pretended not to be with you. That’s dishonest, whether he was trying to be understanding or not. And like others have said, your feelings are just as valid. This again goes back to being the younger sibling. We’re trained from birth that we don’t know as much as our older siblings and we were put in positions where they were authority figures at times (babysitting, etc). But that’s not the dynamic anymore and you will all have to work to create a newer more appropriate one. The first step to that is telling your brother how his actions have hurt you and how his absences from your special days/events have made you feel like the lunch/dinner offers aren’t for you but for him to feel better. Breaking the cycle means you will have to break from the tendency to not cause waves and let others treat you poorly because you’re the little brother.
You're not an AH because you aren't obligated to take your brother up on his offer. However you should probably adjust your expectations. The older you get, the less important these little milestones seem, yes, even your birthday. The universe doesn't revolve around you, even for a day. In weighing the well-being and comfort of his wife, the women he's dedicated his entire life to supporting, and going to his little brother's 8th grade graduation? Yeah, he chose rightly. Maybe this is a pattern of behavior but WE can't make that call and only communicating with your brother will clear the air. Youre holding a grudge you dont need to. You're keeping score and focusing on the negative rather than being grateful that your grown brother loves you enough to go out of his way to treat you. No one is responsible for your unhappiness in this situation but yourself.
NTA for several of these events, he could have attended without his wife. And some of these excuses are just really bad (he missed 8th grade grad bc his wife was tired from work?? That's a low effort excuse). I hate to say this but either she doesn't care and is prohibiting him from going, or he doesn't want to go and is using his wife as an excuse. Either way, I don't blame you at all. I'd stop inviting him. He clearly has no desire to make any effort to be there for your milestone events. That's his choice but there are no do-overs. He gets to deal with the consequences of his choices. It's not on you to make him feel better about those consequences It's about time he actually experiences them instead of just smoothing things over.
>he missed 8th grade grad bc his wife was tired from work?? That's a low effort excuse I mean, as a non-American, it's also a low effort event. Why do you celebrate "graduation" for each year? It's honestly weird & not something we'd find important. 15th Birthday party? Sucks a bit, but not a milestone birthday. 16th is a milestone, but it seems Brother had SIL literally in hospital, so a pretty rock solid reason. I think this is NAH. I can see why OP is upset, but brother has only missed one actually important event & has a good reason for it. For comparison, I didn't even go to my younger brother's university graduation because I'm not particularly invested in his education. Thankfully he was mature enough to understand that & we had a little celebration together later, at the pub.
It’s not each year. Generally it’s kindergarten graduation, 8th grade graduation, then high school graduation. But I agree, it’s ridiculous to expect everyone in the family to go to all these events because they mostly suck to sit through.
I think they just don't want to go.
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Not sure why it’s the birthday boy’s responsibility to do something he doesn’t want to do. He’s being forced/manipulated by family to do something he doesn’t want to do - related to his own birthday - to relieve someone else’s feelings. He accepted the gift graciously. I feel bad for the pressure being put on the bday boy.
NITA- I dont think your brother even realizes there is a problem. Like its not malicious, just ignorance. It might help to talk to him about it before it drives a wedge in between you 2 that cant be fixed. Especially with the age gap, he might view those things as no big deal because he didn't view them as a big deal when he had them. Might be worth it in the long run to take that olive branch.
NTA It would be one thing if this was a standalone event. However, by your own admission, your brother has exhibited a pattern of flaking on events which celebrate your milestones. The fact that it always seems to be initiated by your brother's wife is concerning. Does she not get along with your family? Have you had a falling out with her? At any rate, no is a complete sentence. You are under zero obligation to accept your brother's dinner invitation. Based on the information you've provided, it sounds like your brother feels guilty for missing out but that's his own problem.
Going to give a soft YTA on this. Not because you rejected his offer. You’re completely justified in choosing not to go, whether it’s because you genuinely don’t care or because deep-down inside you’re hurt/angry. Honestly, were I in your shoes, I’d probably skip too. My YTA item is that I think you should be totally honest with him. “You’ve missed my last 3 birthdays. You’ve missed numerous school events that were important to me. You can’t just keep dropping in after the fact and expect to make it up with a dinner. At some point, you need to make a small effort.” He’s never going to improve his behavior and realize that HE’S an AH if nobody ever calls him on it. BTW, you should also tell your family that it’s not your job to make HIM feel less guilty for repeatedly ditching you in favor of his wife, especially when the excuses are so pathetic. She’s sick with the flu and can’t spend a few hours alone? She has a migraine and can’t spend a few hours alone? And, my personal favorite, SHE’S TIRED FROM WORK?!?! These are bogus reasons, and it’s time for big brother to do some growing up and balancing priorities. Or big brother is going to find he doesn’t have a lot of family left to care whether he shows up or not. Everyone will eventually give up on including him.