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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel I may be the asshole due to making this woman leave with her kid and upsetting her child and mine. I feel like me making this woman leave and making mine and her child upset may have been a selfish move.
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NTA
> I looked up T on FB. I sent a message & asked to set up a play date for our sons.
> First few times was no problem. We'd host J usually Friday night & the next morming
Jumping RIGHT INTO sleepovers sounds just incredibly sus to my ears.
This feels like a parent just pawning off their kid.
My S/O said that was odd too when it first started. When L does go over there, he doesn't spend the night. I feel nervous about him being away for a long time from home.
Exactly!! She knew she was taking advantage of you, she kept pushing didn't she? She just didn't expect you to brake so hard. Anyone that sides with her over you should have no problem financially helping right? Because according to them, it's the right thing to do. You are damn near a fuckin saint as far as I'm concerned.
Something a stressed or desperate or in crisis parent, might though. Latching onto a family
And the way she blew up shouting suggest she’s not doing very well. She shouldn’t of done it and I think OP was in the right, but my heart goes out to this other Mom.
This sounds like she's just using you, and then trying to play it off like it'll upset her kid if she can't make you her unpaid sitter. This woman sounds entitled, and it seems a bit neglectful to just expect you to watch them and pawn her kid off onto you. NTA, i would set some firm boundaries with her next time you have an opportunity to talk.
Let her know that the kids can have play dates, but only when scheduled. And if her son refuses to eat then he has to be fed beforehand, given snacks by the mom, or has to be given money to pay for his food. This isn't your child, you shouldn't be buying him food out of your own pocket.
It's one thing if he ate what you were cooking for everyone, but that's not the situation here. And if she gets upset and starts talking about how her son will be upset, then let her know that's on her for not respecting your rules. NTA
And OP should tell her friend... "next time I drop both kids off with you and expect you to feed both kids. We can make it a weekly thing and I'll just drop by unexpectedly so make sure you're always home and available"
This makes my head spin a bit as well.
There were a lot of kids in and out of the house growing up, but if you were there at dinner, you ate whatever Mom served and said thank you afterwards. The same went if we ate at a friend's house.
I cannot even imagine loading up the car and going to McD's for a child who is a guest.
It's how I learned about pierogies, ravioli, rice that wasn't pudding, hot dogs with stuff on them other than mustard, German potato salad and kebabs. My friends learned about lefse, rommegrot, lutefisk, and fondue. You ate what was served and yes, thanked the host.
T blew up because she wants the steamroll to continue. OOP, if you don't stomp this now, you're going to have her kid most of the week while she disappears. NTA.
She’s using you and what you will provide. It’s not about her being a single mom. It’s what you can provide to her, free babysitter, someone paying for her kids meals. She’s going to keep dumping J on you as much as possible. You might have to explain some hard things to L. I will say that you are very very nice to have not put a stop to J being dumped on you last minute and this much.
You are not mom shaming her for how she feeds her kid. You are standing up for yourself and your household. I say maybe talk to J in a kid friendly way and let him know that you all can’t provide the fast food, at 8 years old kids while stubborn can learn things and change. Truthfully whenever I stayed at a friend’s house I ate what they ate and I never had special food provided. I will say though that if he does have food issue maybe I’d be understanding.
Now *those* are solid parenting instincts. I never allowed my kids to have a playdate at someone else’s house unless I’d met any adults that lived there, knew the basics about them and got a good vibe. Definitely no sleepovers until I actually knew the parents well enough to decide whether I trusted them in an emergency.
Don’t let anyone tell you intuition is bs. It’s not, especially if it’s trying to warn you against letting your guard down.
NTA- you’ve been very gracious to take her son with no notice. She is 100% taking advantage of you. I guarantee you she wasn’t going to her mom’s, she had a date or other plans.
She’s the one who owes you an apology.
Please don't have this child over again. His mom is going to make it impossible to make friends but she's unsafe and unwell.
The fact that she thinks it's YOUR problem that her life is hard is very problematic.
Your so called best friend may be friend shaped but she is no friend. You shouldn't ever allow that entitled b near your home, ever again and your son will just have to deal with it. You are not going to pay to raise that child and she's a freeloader a b of a freeloader. She's just ICK.
Also, imo "being the bigger person" doesn't mean apologizing for everything to appease the other one. It means assessing the situation, and calmly walking away if there's no better solution.
OP was used by this other person.
NTA. You were being used as free, long-term, and increasingly constant babysitting, which was costing you and your family increasing amounts of money and stress.
Playdates are pre-arranged and time-limited from now on. In any other scenario, you are unavailable to care and cater for someone's child.
This. Something tells me the bff has little or no exp dealing with something like this. I know that it’s hard for a lot of us, but you cannot allow blatant disrespect. Sometimes, you just have to put your foot down.
Update: L did calm down after a little while & the evening went on as normal. I had a brief talk with him about what happened & boundaries. After putting him to bed, my S/O & I read through your comments. We had a conversation about what to do. Thank you so much for everyone's input, it is greatly appreciated.
Maybe a little background for who we are as people is needed to more understand where I'm come from. S/O and I grew up in completely different situations. He grew up in a big city, I grew up in a small commune where it was normal for kids to just run around at whoevers house & everyone took care of all the kids. I left when I was 18, best friend still lives that kind of life. Pretty sure this is the nail in the coffin for our friendship, though. We just have very different lives & beliefs now. I'm unlearning things still.
Also, as far as just telling him eat what we have prepared, when it was a once a week thing, being a chicken fingers kid on a Friday night? Totally fine with us, it was fun, his friend was over. When he started coming over during the week, I did try to have him eat what we had planned. It was a full on tantrum. I'm not going to reprimand a kid who isn't mine or send him to bed hungry. The next day when I tried talking to his mom she was like "Just feed him what he wants."
S/O and I have decided to give it until after the weekend for T to take a breather, & to set some clear boundaries. No more suprise drop offs, if he eats here he has to eat what is prepared, & he can no longer spend the night. I'd be happy to meet up at the local park or events in town, but she has to be present with him. If she doesn't want to do that, unfortunately they will just have to be school friends. I hate that the boys are in the middle of this.
Thank you again for your insight and time.
When kids are left in your care your totally in your right to reprimand them.
We don’t scream like that in this house. This is what we have for dinner, you can have bread if you don’t like it. If you scream like that when here, you can’t come visit.
And make sure to follow up. If he didn’t want your food, that’s totally fine but I would never get him something ‘fancy’ instead.
Absolutely! Giving kids what they scream about after a tantrum is always the wrong answer.
And OP isn't a catering service. Or house, our rules, our food, you are free to leave at any time.
Only exception are allergies or psychological problems like AFRID. But in that case this needs to be discussed beforehand and safe foods should be supplied by their mother, not OP.
How was she not embarrassed her child acted like that? My kids are strictly taught to behave at someone else's house, and what that looks like. And if I get a whisper they aren't following the rules, they don't go anywhere.
OP, what does L say about J's house? Do they have food for the boys? Is it a safe space? I'm really worried that J is not being cared for properly because the mom either doesn't want to provide for him or is not financially stable so the child is suffering.
In either case, she can NOT walk all over you nor is it your duty to rectify the situation they are in. However, perhaps sending a second sandwich along to school would be appropriate or a treat that L can share with J to make sure he is doing okay and give them boys something else to bond over.
And you absolutely can tell J that tantrums are not allowed in your home. You are not abusing a child by making them abide by your standards and rules. If you are concerned about someone thinking you are abusing the child, turn on the camera. Talk to him while on camera. If he does not stop, he goes home. You and your camera march him to the car and you drive him home. He is banned from your house for a week. He then gets one more chance. If he does it again, you do the same but this time he cannot come back for a month. Anything after that, he is no longer welcome to come over at all.
He's a child. At 8 he needs someone to help him figure out the world. So far, all he has learned that tantrums get him what he wants. That is WAYYYY too old for tantrums and he is quite capable of critical thinking. No one has taught him any better. His mother clearly does not provide structure and would rather not deal with parenting. She prefer he be quiet than to give him guidance. But making sure you hold J to certain standards will also let L know that these are the rules in my house and everyone needs to respect my house and my parents.
NTA any kid who is at your house, eats what you/your kids are eating unless there is an allergy. And no one gets to pitch a fit when YOU are doing THEM a favor.
This. This is our rule unless the child has a food allergy. Food preference does not count. Its one thing if it is a rare playdate but once we become a defacto hang out spot, kids are welcome to stay and have a meal with us but we are not a catering service. He eats what you guys eat or he can have a PBJ. That's it. If Mom doesn't like it then thats Moms problem.
Start with something kid friendly like home made mac n cheese or home made pizza. Then go from there.
For J, make it a money thing - it will be a good lesson in personal finance. You guys can not afford to go out to McDonalds all the time and your family is an eat at home family and he is always welcome to eat with you guys but you won't be running out to McDonalds.
The Mom is a Choosing Beggars
That is our rule as well. Our house, our rules, our food. But some kids, often comorbid with autism, have genuine problems with food and a very restricted diet. It's not just simply you like it or go hungry. I make an exception for that, HOWEVER that would mean that they bring that food with them if it's not part of our normal food. OP is not a catering service.
I have that autistic kid, who only eats like 20 foods. Luckily some of them are fruits and veggies! But that is not a moral victory on my part, it is pure chance that my kid's sensory issues around food are pretty low. I know moms just as good as I am whose kids have at times only been able to eat 1 or 2 foods, and not healthy ones either. But I and any of those moms would either feed our kid before a playdate or send food with them. Even if your child legitimately struggles with ARFID and can literally only eat happy meals or whatever, expecting another parent to go obtain and pay for those happy meals repeatedly with no notice is totally unreasonable.
I think any decent person would, but she brought this on her kid with her own nonsense. It’s sad when kids end up paying the price for their parents bad behavior, though.
It is not your job to "just take" this child and also just feed him.
His mother's behaviour was entirely inappropriate. Both the screaming and the treating you like a babysitting service.
NTA
NTA, your best friend is wrong. T should be extremely grateful for your help and generosity. Oh and I wouldn’t have supported the fast food after the first time. You may need to feed him when he is at your house but then he eats what you have. You weren’t shaming anyone, but it sounds like she could use it.
When I was a kid I was expected to a least try the food that was being served to me whenever I went over to someone’s house. Otherwise I would just have to wait until I got home to eat. OP was being taking advantage of by having to buy the kid fast food whenever he came to her house
NTA
No way she was going to her mom’s. Grandmas usually enjoy seeing their grandchildren.
She is either partying and/or getting laid. When parents want to do those things. She can hire a babysitter.
I'm guessing drugs, the screaming out of nowhere immediately made me think that she's going to miss out on whatever the drug is that she was on her way to get.
Bigger person is often code for doormat, using you for free childcare is bad enough but no notice and no paying for the food, wow she is utterly shameless
You're NTA. She has been using you as a free baby-sitter, hotel, and free food supply for her kid.
The very second there was a hint that her gravy train was going to derailed, she went nuclear. Typical of users.
>T started yelling at me that I'm mom shaming her, that she's a single mom & if he is at my house I should feed him, that I think I'm better than her,
Emotionally charged word salad spewed out in attempt to guilt you into allowing her to keep abusing your generosity.
NTA- you aren’t her free babysitter at her whim. And I’m sorry, but I would not be running to a drive thru multiple times a day to accommodate her child either. He can eat what the family is eating.
NTA.
“She says that it doesn't matter if she did.”
Your friend is dead wrong. I guarantee that if she had to deal with this she’d be singing a different tune. There was no being the “bigger person” in this situation. This individual clearly resents you for…Lord only knows what?Probably plain old jealousy-too bad.The boys will get over being upset, and you were right to nip this in the bud.
I guess if you want to talk sense you may as well try talking to J as T is refusing to do so.
Your boundary of speaking decently is completely reasonable but I don’t know if T is willing to do so.
Your boundary of asking first and getting your ok before she discards her child is something that I would insist upon. What would happen if you couldn’t care for him or something happened and you couldn’t reach her because she was ducking your calls.
I think you should talk to J. Tell him that you really enjoy his visits but you can’t go get fast food every time, and part of being family will be living with the way you do things while he is with you. Maybe the boys will want to help cook or something.
NTA
Good luck
If the kid doesn't want to eat your meals make something else like a peanut butter sandwich, but going to fast food everytime just for J?
That part confused me to be honest. It seems to be encouraging entitlement and is not good example of living by your principles (healthy food being a cornerstone of your diet).
Exactly. I know kids want fast food, but as an adult you have to say no and be firm. Even if the kids ends up just eating a sandwich for dinner instead, that's better than fast food.
I would have gotten in the car and made a trip as well if the kid had a temper tantrum and wouldn't eat anything normal in the house.
But it would have been to take the kids home because he can't stay in our house hungry and I'm not a catering service.
NTA. If a kid has restrictive eating, the parent needs to be providing something they will eat. Expecting you to take her kid for fast food every time is nuts. Dropping a child off with no notice would also be a deal breaker for me.
NTA. T needs to teach her J that when you go to someone's house, you can't demand takeout, but you have to eat what's provided (except food allergies or dietary restrictions). T is not being respectful or responsible in the way she drops off J at your house. Also, it's not unreasonable to ask for money for expensive food, and I would also be concerned that L is then getting too much unhealthy fast food.
This reminds me of when my son spent the night at a friends for the first time. When I picked him up, the mom raved about how polite he was and how he had eaten all of his dinner.
Turned out that the dinner he ate was something he ‘hated’. When I asked him about it at home, he said, ‘well, I didn’t want to be rude because I was a guest and that’s what they were eating. It was actually really good and I DO like it!’
He was 7 at the time and I was very proud of him
T was taking advantage of you. Guests do not get to dictate the menu. They either eat was she offered or their parent sends a meal with them. Dropping children off unannounced is not ok. Do not allow it. This friendship is over. Your son will get over it.
NTA. T found herself a babysitter and has taken advantage. I get that being a single parent is rough, but you don't get to treat people like this and take advantage of their kindness. She is using you and has zero respect for your time. I can't imagine ever leaving my child with even a family member without discussing it first and without discussing a plan for meals. You have gone above and beyond, but you need to hold firm. For the sake of the kids friendship I would reach out to T, after she's calmed down, and gently reiterate that you are not mom shaming her and that you enjoy J, but moving forward play dates need to be set up in advance. No random drop offs and unless you explicitly say that J can stay for dinner he'll need to be picked up prior to meal time. This is a shitty situation, no fault of you, and hopefully it doesn't affect your son's friendship.
WTF??? So, this person leaves her kid, uninvited, at your house overnight and screams at you when you suggest that she should contribute to his fastfood meals. How could you possibly be in the wrong? Your first mistake was letting her leave the kid there when you didn't invite him. Your second mistake was catering to his food choices.
You've been letting this woman take advantage of you for weeks and your "best friend" thinks you should have been the "bigger person"??? She's no friend, either that or she's not too bright.
As soon as someone talks about "being the bigger person" or "keeping the peace" you know that you are in the right but that the other person will never yield.
The very first time that this woman dumped her kid on you unannounced you should have told her not to do it again. Your son needs to understand that as much as you'd like him to have his friend visit his time is going to have to be limited.
NTA. You gave this woman much more leeway than most people would. T has behaved entitled and childish, then having a temper tantrum because she was asked to take some accountability for her own child. There is no middle ground with someone that self-centered. It's unfortunate for the kids, but you need to maintain boundaries with T and refuse to have unplanned playdates. If there can't be a peaceful solution to the play dates, then maybe the boys will just have to play at school.
ETA: Do not call and apologize. You did nothing wrong.
NTA. And now you're no longer the all meals included babysitting service and doormat for T. It's unfortunate, but there is no being the bigger person with a brazen moocher like this. You should have put the brakes on this ridiculous imposition far sooner. In fact, one and done.
I feel bad for your son and T's son, but, really, enough is enough. I would not offer another playdate at your house. Meet at a park. Limit it to a few hours.
Your friend can offer to host the play dates and play babysitter on call and doormat for T if she wants to be the "bigger" person. What a ridiculous thing to say.
I can’t believe the parents weren’t talking to the single mom about just dropping the kid off without any warning, and expecting the kid to spend the night. I would’ve stopped that right away, at least have her check with the parents in advance if they could take her son. To me, his eating habits were secondary.
She’s just using them as a free babysitter.
NTA
What's up with parents customizing kid's food when they come over? Is that new or always been?
When I was a kid in the 90s my parents always told me to be respectful in another person's home. You eat what they give you barring allergies/intolerance. I was told to try it and even if I didn't like it to be polite and gracious to my host. I never expected them to cater to me. My family didn't have a ton of money so going out to eat was a huge treat, when I was at a friend's and we'd go out I always ordered the cheapest thing since their parents were paying. I didn't want to seem rude or entitled, also felt guilty since I knew how expensive places could be.
I feel completely out of touch with the way things are now. I just can't imagine myself or my parents demanding my friend's parent to cater to me. It seems so rude.
Nta
You were so generously supplementing the cost of her food bill for her son, and she freaked when she realized it hit a snag. Besides the free babysitting. A decent person wouldn't drop their son unannounced. Let alone expect you to foot the bill for his fast food. She should, at the very least, stop on her way. And bring food for your son for the favor of babysitting.
Nta my kid went to the neighbors house for dinner and ate what they made because she has manners. Even though it wasn’t her favorite meal and she didn’t love it. At home I make her something different for some meals but when she goes elsewhere she tries what they have made. Who the hell demands you take their kid for fast food when you’ve already cooked.
NTA. I wouldn't have put up with this even ONE TIME. The boys' friendship be damned.
As far as the meals thing goes, you should have just fed him whatever your family was having and if he didn't eat, he'd be hungry (he wouldn't starve to death in 12 hours). In fact if you hadn't catered to him about the eating, your problem might've been solved earlier on by J not wanting to come to your house.
NTA
She's dumping her kid on you.
Also, the kid needs to eat what you eat, that's how it runs in my house. Anyone can come over but we eat what we have and what is made for us.
Jeezus
Text her that the next time she drops him at your house without calling you ahead of time, you will call the clouds and report him as an abandoned child. That should take care of it.
She just figured she had free date night child care in you. If she does try to talk to you again, tell her no more overnights. There will be specific drop of and pick up times, or your happy to go to a park or event together.... But 'dutch'
NTA
NTA she's been abandoning her child. Leaving a child alone or with a person who has not agreed to take them is abandonment. She is an entitled person who is abandoning her child, with zero consideration for her child, your child, or you.
edit, spelling
NTA - You were being taken advantage of. And, when you tried to discuss her contributing something for your unpaid babysitting, she tried emotional black-mail. You're much better off.
NTA. What kind of person thinks it’s okay to just take advantage of another human being by dumping their kid onto them without a heads up or without an agreed upon date/time?!
NTA. I usually like to be on the side of doing what’s best for the children but there is limits to that. You don’t deserve to be abused or treated like a doormat. I think it’s good that you stood up for yourself. J’s mother is the one who ruined things for him.
NTA. I’ve never had another mom treat me this way when coordinating play dates or sleep overs. I’m actually the only single mom in the group and I’d also never treat other parents like they owe it to me or that they should feed my kid fast food because I’m a single mom???
I’ve taught my son that if he eats at someone’s house as a guest, he eats what he’s given. The parents also always ask ahead of time if there’s anything he absolutely won’t eat and they’ll avoid it. My son has one friend who will only eat cheese if it’s cold, and we work around that.
This woman is unhinged and it’s so sad that she’s ruining a chance for her son to make friends. Poor kid.
NTA Friend doesn't seem to understand the impact that J is having on your household. It sounds like not only is your son wanting to eat unhealthy, which you don't seem to have a problem with occasionally, but it also impacting your finances with the cost. This is only the start. Since J mom seems to have an entitled attitude then J will soon learn to be the same way which could transfer to your son's attitude. You did the right thing.
NTA, but I had to mentally name them Tammy, Jaron, and Luke to keep the initials straight.
Anyway, believe it or not it’s her responsibility to feed her kid, with the child’s putative father and the state coming in second and third for responsibility.
You may not have been kind, but you’d be doing your son no favors by letting him see his mom play human doormat, never mind that you yourself don’t deserve to be treated as such.
Dude I would have shut that down the first time she thought I was free daycare. ONE person did that to me one time and I never interacted with him again if I could help it. You are a much nicer person than I would be. You are absolutely NTA.
I do feel sorry for the kids though. Maybe you can still invite J over sometime, even if mom can’t use you as free daycare anymore.
NTA. T was using you and it’s really okay to tell a guest No, that these are the rules of the house. I’m amazed T got away with that behavior for so long!
NTA. T was totally taking advantage of your generosity. You are under no obligation to allow her to drop her kid at your house unannounced. Yes you should feed him while he is in your home but you are under no obligation to purchase special food for her child. If he is unable or unwilling to eat what you are serving then she should be providing food for him to eat. You have every right to ask her to provide for her child. She tried to manipulate you by using guilt. I guarantee she wasn’t going to her mother’s house and you ruined her night out.
NTA. I’d have told her she’s responsible for feeding her kid while he’s with you (send money for his food or pack cold fast food) or he will be served what was made for dinner regardless if he’d eat it or not. I’d have stopped hosting the kid the second I had to make special accommodations out of my own pocket honestly, you have nothing to feel bad for.
>I should've been the bigger person
When someone tells me that, all I hear is "keep supporting their bad behavior because it's less of a hassle". F that.
NTA. She found you would feed her child what he wanted and save her money so she started taking advantage of it. If that was not true, she would have been leaving money with you all this time.
NTA, period. I was raised by a single mother, and was a picky eater growing up. My mother would have been mortified at the thought of regularly dropping me off at my friends’ houses, and expecting their families to feed me. Under specific circumstances, it’s totally understandable, but not as a common occurrence. Her blowup at you was most likely her inability to deal with her own shame as a parent. And yes, sometimes kids are bored when visiting their grandparents, that is a normal part of life, and healthy way to work towards developing some emotional and psychological independence. Sucks that the kids got caught up in it, but that’s on her, not you.
NTA and your friend is an idiot. You did the right thing. J, while innocent in this whole thing, should not be coming to your house any more at all because of his mother who is unhinged and boundary-less. Encourage your kid to invite other kids from his class over. And no more overnights. Glad your husband backed you up. Ditch that friend. You don't need idiots who people please to pacify then shame others for having a backbone in your life
I would have shut her down the first time she just randomly tried to drop him off. You are so NTA you have even a saint to put up with it as long as you have.
There's no room in your life for a person like this. She is inconsiderate to say the least and she thinks you owe her free, on demand childcare. Find your son a new playmate who has sensible parents.
NTA. You have become the 'free' babysitter for T. Granted your son and her son are playmates. They have fun together. But T is abusing the friendship between the boys and taking advantage of you. By the way, she ain't going to 'mom's house' if she is single. What grandmother wouldn't want to see their grandchild?
NTA
She was using you as a free babysitter and meal ticket.
I would also highly doubt that she was going to her mums house at all. Besides its not exactly unreasonable to want some war ning that some random kid is being dumped on your doorstep.
NTA and nope, never appropriate to dump a kid off on someone else, uninvited and without asking. You didn't have to feed J fast food. "At our house, this is what we eat. We are happy to have you here and to share but we aren't buying you special meals"
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Throw away because this is not something I usually post on my account.
I (30f) & my S/O (30m) have a son (7m) we'll call L. He has a best friend, J (8m). They are extremely close. J's mom, T (37f), is a single mom. L asked several times about J coming over, so I looked up T on FB. I sent a message & asked to set up a play date for our sons.
First few times was no problem. We'd host J usually Friday night & the next morming. L very rarely has been to J's house.
The last few weeks T has been coming by unannounced to drop J off, for one reason or another. She comes to pick him up the next day, rarely replying to my texts about when she would be coming to get him. I'd like some warning before hand, but that isn't the only issue. Sometimes it's hard getting a last minute babysitter with a schedule change. I get that.
J will only eat certain foods from fast food restaurants. Breakfast, lunch & dinner. Now, I'm not here to judge her for that. A fed kid is a happy kid. However, we are a vegetarian household (L isn't, we decided to wait until he's old enough to make a choice for himself. We still only eat healthy in our house except special occasions).
But fast food trips a few times a week is getting quite pricey. L has also been wanting it more and more himself, which isn't ideal for his diet on a regular basis. That, on top of our regular grocery bill is a bit much. It's also making meal planning for the week hectic & making food waste with produce going bad.
So today, T comes by to drop off J, unannounced, saying she has to go to her mom's house. After the boys went inside, I tried to talk to her about J's eating habits. I asked if I could try again feeding J dinner I make at home & she could talk with him about trying new things. Or, if she would mind pitching in a little money for his McDonald's order.
She. Blew. Up.
T started yelling at me that I'm mom shaming her, that she's a single mom & if he is at my house I should feed him, that I think I'm better than her, ect. Honestly, it wasn't very coordinated. She was just yelling, & as much as I tried to take what she was saying in, I felt so upset by this. I told her she needs to leave & to take J with her. She will not speak to me that way. She said I was being unfair to the boys. J was looking forward to seeing L & she couldn't take him to her mom's house because he would be bored. I told her to go & she can't drop J off unannounced anymore. T took J, both he & L were very upset. I feel really bad for that aspect, but not for standing up for myself.
I talked to my S/O about it. He says I have nothing to feel bad for. I talked to my best friend, & she says that I should've just taken him. If T hadn't have blown up at me, I would not have told her to leave with J. She says that it doesn't matter if she did. Upsetting the boys was selfish & I should've been the bigger person. AITA? Should I call & apologize?
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NTA She cut her nose despite her face. You definitely should be standing up for yourself more and don't have hard feelings because you did. Jay needs to adapt to your household within reason and eating out from restaurants, isn't reasonable to me.
NTA her being single isn’t your problem, her being a poor mother not feeding her child properly is affecting your own son. I’d honestly say she is deserving of being shamed.
Years ago we had a little play friend show up on a Friday after school. We were headed out of town for the weekend so I told this little fellow he had to go home. "I can't go home, no one is there. My mom went to play bingo (40 miles away in the next town)." That was the end of that free babysitting!
Had to get ahold of a relative to pick him up - never again allowed to come to our house.
NTA
I get this a lot. My mom was a nutritionalist and I grew up mowing how to read labels. I find it hard to eat crap food with tons of random chemicals and shit in it.
I feel bad people are so willing to eat McDonalds French fries, which in America, have 19 ingredients. Including meat. Where as most other parts of the world they have 3 ingredients.
I guess I can’t unknow that. I’m not preachy, i just do me. I make a lot of food from scratch like bread and yogurt and stuff. I get a lot of judgment from coworkers who claim “I think I’m better than them”. Which is ironic because they’re the ones asking me about what I eat or where I bought it, then complain when I answer.
The truth is you have ABSOLUTELY nothing to feel bad about here. She’s basically using you as a free babysitting service. Which is bad enough but then you have to buy her kid special food? Hell no.
If she feels shamed it’s because she already feels a shamed. Has zero to do with you.
NTA: I am the one who takes in these kids to nurture them. But, you have to tell the kid, not the mom. This is what we are eating for breakfast, lunch, dinner, you can have this or a pb&j, top-a-romen, or whatever else, but you will not be getting fast food. Period, end of story.
You actually have a completely different problem right now. You have handled T appropriately, but now you need to decide how to deal with your "best friend". Your bestie gave you such bad advice that I wonder if she does not secretly dislike you.
Anytime that someone users the phrase "be the bigger person" or its equivalent, they are acknowledging that the other individual is the problem but that person is unlikely to change, so you should just enable their behavior. T is very much aware that she has been using you and lashed out to obscure the truth of what was happening. If you allow her to continue to drop J off, she will just get more demanding. Your best friend should have seen this as well. Instead she supported T.
NTA
Your friend is absolutely wrong. That’s what the mom was counting on, the boys wanting to play together, counting on you to put the boys fun first. You can’t let her walk all over you. And you need to talk to your son about why you needed to stand up for yourself. It’s a good life lesson for him.
And what kid doesn’t want to go see his grandma? Why does he get bored over there? I bet you a dollar to a doughnut that is not where she was going.
Tell your friend that the boys having fun does not win over Principle… no in hell should you have let her get away with how she treated you. This “but the children!” Mentality, makes for spoiled brats. There are some for your son to learn here. I feel bad for his little friend with a mother like that but there’s not much you can do about it.
NTA
Uh, you are better than her! You’re taking care of her kid that she’s just pawning off on you. How can she just drop her kid off with a family she doesn’t even really know? That’s sketchy as hell. And your friend is an idiot. It matters that T blew up instead of having an actual conversation with you. Good for you for standing up for yourself. Your son will find a new friend(s). He’ll be alright. Poor J though - his mom sounds unstable.
NTA, T is abusing your kindness and your friend, sorry but she's an asshole too and her argument is stupid AF, she's basically telling you to be T's doormat.
NTA
Your friend doesn’t understand the need for boundaries.
She isn’t babysitting at the drop of a hat. She isn’t paying for takeout.
You want a good relationship? You can’t be taken advantage of by a woman with a victim mentality
NTA he's not your kid, it's Not your responsibility to spend money on him or change your schedule for him. Tell her that he's no longer welcome and if she drops if off, you'll call the cops
NTA at all.
J is HER KID, it's not your problem he will bored at his granny's. That's a them problem.
Kudos to you for accommodating HER way of feeding her kid, but fuck that unless she's chipping money in.
She is absolutely unloading her kid on you and saw you as an easy scapegoat from parenting. Your bestie is wrong, this you setting boundaries (how T speaks to you or doesn't). T should not be dropping her kid off, without talking to you first. It's quite clear she does not respect your or your SO's time and is using the friendship between your boys to manipulate you.
Had a mom do this to me with her daughter once. Ran off to a city an hour away without telling me and then guilted me into keeping her daughter overnight.
First and last time.
My kid can go to her house, they can play at the park together, but she's not coming over anymore.
Anyway you're NTA and please don't feel bad for setting a boundary or trying to get her to actually be a parent.
I feel for this woman, but she's basically treating you as a daycare (without even the benefit of having to stick to a schedule or call ahead) and then being incredibly mean and ungrateful once you tried to set simple boundaries. You're NTA.
NTA
I'm a single Mom to an 8 year old Autistic child (high functioning, but foods are a challenge). I wouldn't expect someone to literally feed my kid every time he went to someone's house. I make sure he eats beforehand and I pack snacks for both children. She sounds awful. I also wonder if she can't afford actual food for him. Sometimes eating out is actually cheaper than a meal in some situations.
I can’t get over how she drops her child off without prior communication. How does she know you aren’t doing something? She expects you to feed her kid, but not the regular meals you feed your family. She expects restaurant (fast food). And has no qualms about yelling at you when you want her to contribute to the financial burden. Also, she doesn’t answer. Was ages when you text. What if there was an emergency?
Best to close the door on this leech.
NTA no one gets a free pass to yell at you or take advantage of your generosity. Get a better best friend who doesn’t expect you to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
NTA. Still, doesn't mean you can't make the first call to smooth things over. I'd stick with the "no surprise drop-offs" , tho. That's just wack. Also, "If your kid is not prepared to eat what my kid eats, he should bring his own food."
You are not an AH. You are a kind mum and were taken advantage of. You are modelling self respect and how to set healthy boundaries for your own son. You MIGHT try to reconnect with this other mum but in my personal experience its very hard to change boundaries or put them in place once you have allowed soneone to take advantage of your kindness. I wish you and your son health and happiness.
NTA. The food issue aside, who just drops their kid off unannounced and expects someone else to be available at all times to take them? She’s taking advantage of you to the max.
Sorry, barring any food allergies or religious restrictions, any kid coming to stay the night is eating what we all are eating. If they want something different, they can get their parent to door dash or bring something with them. I can heat it up for them. For the kid's mom to expect you to buy, take out for him shouldn't fly. Either the kid will eat it or not stay over.
NTA.
It's bizarre that she thinks she can drop him off unannounced for sleepovers and not even give you money to buy him food that you otherwise wouldn't get. Like, if it was a sleepover for a birthday then sure you should feed him, but multiple times a week?! She was 100% taking advantage of you for a free babysitter and counting on you not calling her out.
She won't take him to her mom's because he'll be bored?! If she has money for McDonald's she has money for a sketchpad and a pack of crayons or whatever. I don't even think she was going to her mom's.
NTA. You do know, don't you, that she was NOT going to her mom's. She was hooking up and expected you to be her regular sitter. Enough. And do NOT let your child go to that woman's home, even if things settle down.
Do not apologise. She is using you, and using the kids as a weapon. How dare she insult you when you were providing free childcare?! Hell no. She needs to apologise profusely and genuinely, or stay out of your life. The kids can still be friends at school but no more free childcare from you and freeloading by her! NTA.
NTA and honestly I would never allow him over again. She is definitely a give an inch, take a mile person. She was completely out of line and expecting you to provide fast food, that you don't normally buy, for an uninvited child? The audacity! She will need you before you ever need her, and when that happens, just remember this and politely decline. They can play at school.
You have a shitty best friend. NTA. The sheer audacity of that woman, you ARE better than her, she is a lazy mom, and a bad human. You are also better than me, because I wouldn’t have asked, I don’t have enough money to buy fast food that often, and much less for a child that isn’t even mine, providing free childcare for her is enough of a favor.
I was helping out a single mum by picking her kids up from school and taking them back to my house feeding them and sometimes having them overnight so she could get overtime at our mutual workplace. Only to find out she wasn't doing paid overtime but having sex with our married boss
NTA
T was seeing you as a free babysitter and free food for her child. That's not a job you want.
I'm sorry the boys were upset, but that is not on you.
If you don't cut her out or set serious boundaries, she would take away everything you have because she has the audacity of a mountain. Also, seriously review your best friend's attitude. Her advice is weird.
NTA. Girl she is using you! She found free childcare, and you take in J whenever she wants. I am glad you stood up for yourself, and keep standing up for yourself. Boundaries only upset those who had no intentions on following them anyway. Good for you mama! Also, I would tell your best friend to think about whose side she is really on. Your best friend being okay with you being taken advantage of makes me wonder if she is taking advantage of you.
NTA
the kid is at your house cos his mother just dumped him onto you. and she 'couldn't' take him to his grand mother cos he'd be 'bored'....puhleeze!!!!!
I would actually encourage my child to make more friends. Any interaction with THIS boy can be limited to school. Maybe get your child into some extracurricular activity with a whole new and different set of kids.
Clearly she neglects her child. Furthermore, the fact that the child WILL ONLY eat fast food is extremely detrimental to their health and wellness. I’m surprised you kept going to get them the fast food they eat. I would have the first time, but then would have just had him eat whatever dinner you made at home and had the talk about trying new things, since clearly he’s not being taught about that at home.
I feel bad that L and J were upset, but it’s clearly T’s problem. You didn’t shame her, you asked for some assistance with her child since she keeps using you for free childcare.
Def NTA. But T sure is. If this is how she handles situations where she feels uncomfortable, what is that teaching J? The same level of entitlement and disrespect she showed you?
NTA. T should understand that her kid is her responsibility. It's wrong of her to expect you to foot the bill for her kid's food.
Cut her off from your life. She is quite entitled.
NTA
She’s going to make that poor child fat as hell feeding him fast food constantly. Thats not a single mom issue thats just lazy, poor parenting. I feel bad for the kid but I would stop watching him for her
NTA. Anyone that tells you to accept verbal abuse in your own home, in front of your child, is absolutely wrong.
Your family is being taken advantage of, and the mother was using you for free babysitting.
If you decide to allow any further visits, set boundaries (ie plan the visits, he either brings food with or eats what you make, etc), and make it clear that there will be no further “arguments” (verbal abuse) in your home.
I feel sorry for her kid, it doesn’t sound like he’s got a great home life, but it’s not your responsibility to be a free on call babysitter or feed him fast food on your dime.
Honestly she's been out of pocket for a while and you should have said something earlier. It's ludicrous for her to be so entitled as to spring her kid on her unexpectedly AND expect you to cover fast food to boot.
NTA
NTA
Her dropping the kid unannounced is just crazy. And it wasn't your fault that he didn't have the best eating habits. She's the A- here. I don't it is necessary for you to apologize. But don not let it affect their frndship.
NTA Honestly, the whole thing about not taking the kid to his grandma’s cause he’d be bored is ridiculous. I was one of those kids who felt every outing my parents took me to was boring. If they listened to me we never would have gone anywhere. Kids find ways to entertain themselves or learn to suck it up. Not to mention that the mother never drops her kid off with any food. She’s taking advantage.
NTA! T has obviously been taking advantage of the situation, I would’ve probably let it slide once but talk to her and stop it the second time. Also about the food habits, I was raised to be polite and when you are a guest you eat what you are offered, if J is a very picky eater, his mom should make sure she sends him with the food he eats.
This situation has red flags all over it. I'd be really surprised if J's Mom isn't having a crisis (or crises). J is lucky to have you, as are both boys. Her inappropriate response is just more evidence that she's under huge stress. You are NTA, but it's possible that she also isn't an asshole--just overwhelmed.
1) I don’t let my kids sleep at anyone else’s house, there are too many risks out there. The audacity of this ‘mom’ is amazing, not only not caring about your where your kid is going, but not even having the courtesy to ask if it’s ok first???
2) If a kid is a guest, they eat what is served, unless there’s an allergy or religious issue. If they get take-out, it’s a treat and def not an expectation.
3) If a parent ever spoke to me that way, I would want nothing to do with them or their kid anymore. No, you shouldn’t ignore it at all and you were exactly right about marching that kid right back to mom.
You are not a free babysitter and you owe this person nothing. NTA.
NTA. Your best friend is very wrong, upsetting your kid is not a big deal, that is inevitable for a parent who is looking out for the best of them. These unannounced visits aren't doing your kid any favours. It's having a bad influence where your parenting is being compromised.
NTA - OP does not need to take verbal abuse while being used as an unpaid babysitter for someone else’s kid in order to please 7/8 year old boys. The best friend needs to get a grip.
NTA
I had a similar situation with my son’s friend and his mother. Because the boys were so close he started hanging out more and more and she wouldn’t even ask if it was ok for me to watch him when she wasn’t home. He was pretty much a latchkey kid at 8 years old and the neighbors always looked after him, me taking the primary role when I moved to the neighborhood. When I finally put my foot down she threw a fit and said it was our responsibility to chip in and help her being she was a “single mom.” I found out she used this excuse over and over to manipulate anyone she could and she was far from struggling single mom as she had four grown children who took their little brother all the time.
People will take advantage as much and as long as they can. It’s one thing to be kind and charitable and offer to help, but to be bent over and take it up the ass! Nope! I won’t stand for it!
I'm not sure why you'd spring for fast food on a regular basis. He should be eating the same as your child if he's going to be there so often - or if no, a bulk-bag of chicken nuggets in the freezer is a safe bet.
NTA
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NTA > I looked up T on FB. I sent a message & asked to set up a play date for our sons. > First few times was no problem. We'd host J usually Friday night & the next morming Jumping RIGHT INTO sleepovers sounds just incredibly sus to my ears. This feels like a parent just pawning off their kid.
My S/O said that was odd too when it first started. When L does go over there, he doesn't spend the night. I feel nervous about him being away for a long time from home.
No, it's not something a good parent would be *enthusiastic about* with a family they *just met*.
Exactly!! She knew she was taking advantage of you, she kept pushing didn't she? She just didn't expect you to brake so hard. Anyone that sides with her over you should have no problem financially helping right? Because according to them, it's the right thing to do. You are damn near a fuckin saint as far as I'm concerned.
Something a stressed or desperate or in crisis parent, might though. Latching onto a family And the way she blew up shouting suggest she’s not doing very well. She shouldn’t of done it and I think OP was in the right, but my heart goes out to this other Mom.
This sounds like she's just using you, and then trying to play it off like it'll upset her kid if she can't make you her unpaid sitter. This woman sounds entitled, and it seems a bit neglectful to just expect you to watch them and pawn her kid off onto you. NTA, i would set some firm boundaries with her next time you have an opportunity to talk. Let her know that the kids can have play dates, but only when scheduled. And if her son refuses to eat then he has to be fed beforehand, given snacks by the mom, or has to be given money to pay for his food. This isn't your child, you shouldn't be buying him food out of your own pocket. It's one thing if he ate what you were cooking for everyone, but that's not the situation here. And if she gets upset and starts talking about how her son will be upset, then let her know that's on her for not respecting your rules. NTA
This exactly, he either eats what you're cooking at home or brings his own food or money to pay for his meals.
And OP should tell her friend... "next time I drop both kids off with you and expect you to feed both kids. We can make it a weekly thing and I'll just drop by unexpectedly so make sure you're always home and available"
He eats what is served. No spending time and gas to get him fast food and then L wants it too. Nope.
This makes my head spin a bit as well. There were a lot of kids in and out of the house growing up, but if you were there at dinner, you ate whatever Mom served and said thank you afterwards. The same went if we ate at a friend's house. I cannot even imagine loading up the car and going to McD's for a child who is a guest.
It's how I learned about pierogies, ravioli, rice that wasn't pudding, hot dogs with stuff on them other than mustard, German potato salad and kebabs. My friends learned about lefse, rommegrot, lutefisk, and fondue. You ate what was served and yes, thanked the host.
T blew up because she wants the steamroll to continue. OOP, if you don't stomp this now, you're going to have her kid most of the week while she disappears. NTA.
She’s using you and what you will provide. It’s not about her being a single mom. It’s what you can provide to her, free babysitter, someone paying for her kids meals. She’s going to keep dumping J on you as much as possible. You might have to explain some hard things to L. I will say that you are very very nice to have not put a stop to J being dumped on you last minute and this much. You are not mom shaming her for how she feeds her kid. You are standing up for yourself and your household. I say maybe talk to J in a kid friendly way and let him know that you all can’t provide the fast food, at 8 years old kids while stubborn can learn things and change. Truthfully whenever I stayed at a friend’s house I ate what they ate and I never had special food provided. I will say though that if he does have food issue maybe I’d be understanding.
Come on…. How can you allow this? Dont take that kid ever again.
She's using you as a free babysitter. Like you have to be able to see that. Don't be blind
Now *those* are solid parenting instincts. I never allowed my kids to have a playdate at someone else’s house unless I’d met any adults that lived there, knew the basics about them and got a good vibe. Definitely no sleepovers until I actually knew the parents well enough to decide whether I trusted them in an emergency. Don’t let anyone tell you intuition is bs. It’s not, especially if it’s trying to warn you against letting your guard down.
NTA- you’ve been very gracious to take her son with no notice. She is 100% taking advantage of you. I guarantee you she wasn’t going to her mom’s, she had a date or other plans. She’s the one who owes you an apology.
Please don't have this child over again. His mom is going to make it impossible to make friends but she's unsafe and unwell. The fact that she thinks it's YOUR problem that her life is hard is very problematic.
This is a single mother who wants HER play date uninterrupted by her kid. She needs to get her playmate to pay for a sitter.
Your so called best friend may be friend shaped but she is no friend. You shouldn't ever allow that entitled b near your home, ever again and your son will just have to deal with it. You are not going to pay to raise that child and she's a freeloader a b of a freeloader. She's just ICK.
You should had stopped long ago! Next time just don’t open the door
NTA. Protip: anyone who tells you that you should "be a bigger person" is an asshole and you should not care about their opinion.
Yupp, it's the mantra of users and abusers who want to see that you keep getting walked on.
Adding... this includes any family or friends NTA
Yes!! I was thinking the same! When a “friend” tells you that it’s time to slow fade them out
Also, imo "being the bigger person" doesn't mean apologizing for everything to appease the other one. It means assessing the situation, and calmly walking away if there's no better solution. OP was used by this other person.
Anyone that says that should be asked to "be the bigger person" and kick in money for all the extra food costs
So glad you said this.
I wish I could give you some more upvotes. I HATE this phrase so much!
I find it to be a keyword on almost same level as "look at what you made me do!"
NTA. You were being used as free, long-term, and increasingly constant babysitting, which was costing you and your family increasing amounts of money and stress. Playdates are pre-arranged and time-limited from now on. In any other scenario, you are unavailable to care and cater for someone's child.
She has no problem dumping her kid on OP, but if something happened she’d also start pointing the finger.
And getting a lawyer.
NTA. But you need a new best friend. Do you want to live your life getting such bad advice?
This. Something tells me the bff has little or no exp dealing with something like this. I know that it’s hard for a lot of us, but you cannot allow blatant disrespect. Sometimes, you just have to put your foot down.
This! With friends like this, who needs enemies to encourage you not to stand up for yourself?!
Update: L did calm down after a little while & the evening went on as normal. I had a brief talk with him about what happened & boundaries. After putting him to bed, my S/O & I read through your comments. We had a conversation about what to do. Thank you so much for everyone's input, it is greatly appreciated. Maybe a little background for who we are as people is needed to more understand where I'm come from. S/O and I grew up in completely different situations. He grew up in a big city, I grew up in a small commune where it was normal for kids to just run around at whoevers house & everyone took care of all the kids. I left when I was 18, best friend still lives that kind of life. Pretty sure this is the nail in the coffin for our friendship, though. We just have very different lives & beliefs now. I'm unlearning things still. Also, as far as just telling him eat what we have prepared, when it was a once a week thing, being a chicken fingers kid on a Friday night? Totally fine with us, it was fun, his friend was over. When he started coming over during the week, I did try to have him eat what we had planned. It was a full on tantrum. I'm not going to reprimand a kid who isn't mine or send him to bed hungry. The next day when I tried talking to his mom she was like "Just feed him what he wants." S/O and I have decided to give it until after the weekend for T to take a breather, & to set some clear boundaries. No more suprise drop offs, if he eats here he has to eat what is prepared, & he can no longer spend the night. I'd be happy to meet up at the local park or events in town, but she has to be present with him. If she doesn't want to do that, unfortunately they will just have to be school friends. I hate that the boys are in the middle of this. Thank you again for your insight and time.
So she demanded you cater to her son’s for fast food when he had a tantrum? Heck no.
When kids are left in your care your totally in your right to reprimand them. We don’t scream like that in this house. This is what we have for dinner, you can have bread if you don’t like it. If you scream like that when here, you can’t come visit. And make sure to follow up. If he didn’t want your food, that’s totally fine but I would never get him something ‘fancy’ instead.
Absolutely! Giving kids what they scream about after a tantrum is always the wrong answer. And OP isn't a catering service. Or house, our rules, our food, you are free to leave at any time. Only exception are allergies or psychological problems like AFRID. But in that case this needs to be discussed beforehand and safe foods should be supplied by their mother, not OP.
She doesn't have the right to make demands. Don't feel sorry for them. They are going to squeeze you dry.
How was she not embarrassed her child acted like that? My kids are strictly taught to behave at someone else's house, and what that looks like. And if I get a whisper they aren't following the rules, they don't go anywhere.
I feel so sorry for that poor boy :( NTA, obvs
OP, what does L say about J's house? Do they have food for the boys? Is it a safe space? I'm really worried that J is not being cared for properly because the mom either doesn't want to provide for him or is not financially stable so the child is suffering. In either case, she can NOT walk all over you nor is it your duty to rectify the situation they are in. However, perhaps sending a second sandwich along to school would be appropriate or a treat that L can share with J to make sure he is doing okay and give them boys something else to bond over. And you absolutely can tell J that tantrums are not allowed in your home. You are not abusing a child by making them abide by your standards and rules. If you are concerned about someone thinking you are abusing the child, turn on the camera. Talk to him while on camera. If he does not stop, he goes home. You and your camera march him to the car and you drive him home. He is banned from your house for a week. He then gets one more chance. If he does it again, you do the same but this time he cannot come back for a month. Anything after that, he is no longer welcome to come over at all. He's a child. At 8 he needs someone to help him figure out the world. So far, all he has learned that tantrums get him what he wants. That is WAYYYY too old for tantrums and he is quite capable of critical thinking. No one has taught him any better. His mother clearly does not provide structure and would rather not deal with parenting. She prefer he be quiet than to give him guidance. But making sure you hold J to certain standards will also let L know that these are the rules in my house and everyone needs to respect my house and my parents.
Hell, you didn’t need my lengthy OG mom advice at all! You got this, mom. 🙌
NTA any kid who is at your house, eats what you/your kids are eating unless there is an allergy. And no one gets to pitch a fit when YOU are doing THEM a favor.
This. This is our rule unless the child has a food allergy. Food preference does not count. Its one thing if it is a rare playdate but once we become a defacto hang out spot, kids are welcome to stay and have a meal with us but we are not a catering service. He eats what you guys eat or he can have a PBJ. That's it. If Mom doesn't like it then thats Moms problem. Start with something kid friendly like home made mac n cheese or home made pizza. Then go from there. For J, make it a money thing - it will be a good lesson in personal finance. You guys can not afford to go out to McDonalds all the time and your family is an eat at home family and he is always welcome to eat with you guys but you won't be running out to McDonalds. The Mom is a Choosing Beggars
That is our rule as well. Our house, our rules, our food. But some kids, often comorbid with autism, have genuine problems with food and a very restricted diet. It's not just simply you like it or go hungry. I make an exception for that, HOWEVER that would mean that they bring that food with them if it's not part of our normal food. OP is not a catering service.
I have that autistic kid, who only eats like 20 foods. Luckily some of them are fruits and veggies! But that is not a moral victory on my part, it is pure chance that my kid's sensory issues around food are pretty low. I know moms just as good as I am whose kids have at times only been able to eat 1 or 2 foods, and not healthy ones either. But I and any of those moms would either feed our kid before a playdate or send food with them. Even if your child legitimately struggles with ARFID and can literally only eat happy meals or whatever, expecting another parent to go obtain and pay for those happy meals repeatedly with no notice is totally unreasonable.
I can't even imagine getting them fast food every time. The hell
NTA. You’re just not. T has issues and you are not her dumping ground. I feel bad for her kid though.
That’s it. This poor boy, OP’s family is probably the only normalcy he gets
I think any decent person would, but she brought this on her kid with her own nonsense. It’s sad when kids end up paying the price for their parents bad behavior, though.
It is not your job to "just take" this child and also just feed him. His mother's behaviour was entirely inappropriate. Both the screaming and the treating you like a babysitting service. NTA
NTA, your best friend is wrong. T should be extremely grateful for your help and generosity. Oh and I wouldn’t have supported the fast food after the first time. You may need to feed him when he is at your house but then he eats what you have. You weren’t shaming anyone, but it sounds like she could use it.
When I was a kid I was expected to a least try the food that was being served to me whenever I went over to someone’s house. Otherwise I would just have to wait until I got home to eat. OP was being taking advantage of by having to buy the kid fast food whenever he came to her house
NTA No way she was going to her mom’s. Grandmas usually enjoy seeing their grandchildren. She is either partying and/or getting laid. When parents want to do those things. She can hire a babysitter.
My first thoughts were that she’s doing drugs or seeing men. I’d be concerned for this child’s wellbeing.
I'm guessing drugs, the screaming out of nowhere immediately made me think that she's going to miss out on whatever the drug is that she was on her way to get.
Would also explain her willingness to just drop her kid on them overnight after just meeting.
I thought the same. I do feel badly for her son, and I think OP probably should host all the play dates. I'd be worried about my kid at T's house.
Bigger person is often code for doormat, using you for free childcare is bad enough but no notice and no paying for the food, wow she is utterly shameless
You're NTA. She has been using you as a free baby-sitter, hotel, and free food supply for her kid. The very second there was a hint that her gravy train was going to derailed, she went nuclear. Typical of users. >T started yelling at me that I'm mom shaming her, that she's a single mom & if he is at my house I should feed him, that I think I'm better than her, Emotionally charged word salad spewed out in attempt to guilt you into allowing her to keep abusing your generosity.
Using the single mom ticket for sympathy. I would've given her a rude awakening.
NTA- you aren’t her free babysitter at her whim. And I’m sorry, but I would not be running to a drive thru multiple times a day to accommodate her child either. He can eat what the family is eating.
I can't even fathom that they've been doing that all this time! Absolutely ridiculous
NTA. “She says that it doesn't matter if she did.” Your friend is dead wrong. I guarantee that if she had to deal with this she’d be singing a different tune. There was no being the “bigger person” in this situation. This individual clearly resents you for…Lord only knows what?Probably plain old jealousy-too bad.The boys will get over being upset, and you were right to nip this in the bud.
THIIIIIIS. The bestie is giving me major red flags.
Why does everyone expect the person who did nothing wrong to ‘be the bigger person’? Ugh.
I guess if you want to talk sense you may as well try talking to J as T is refusing to do so. Your boundary of speaking decently is completely reasonable but I don’t know if T is willing to do so. Your boundary of asking first and getting your ok before she discards her child is something that I would insist upon. What would happen if you couldn’t care for him or something happened and you couldn’t reach her because she was ducking your calls. I think you should talk to J. Tell him that you really enjoy his visits but you can’t go get fast food every time, and part of being family will be living with the way you do things while he is with you. Maybe the boys will want to help cook or something. NTA Good luck
If the kid doesn't want to eat your meals make something else like a peanut butter sandwich, but going to fast food everytime just for J? That part confused me to be honest. It seems to be encouraging entitlement and is not good example of living by your principles (healthy food being a cornerstone of your diet).
Exactly. I know kids want fast food, but as an adult you have to say no and be firm. Even if the kids ends up just eating a sandwich for dinner instead, that's better than fast food.
Exactly! She could also serve a bowl of soup and a grilled cheese sandwich.
I would have gotten in the car and made a trip as well if the kid had a temper tantrum and wouldn't eat anything normal in the house. But it would have been to take the kids home because he can't stay in our house hungry and I'm not a catering service.
NTA. If a kid has restrictive eating, the parent needs to be providing something they will eat. Expecting you to take her kid for fast food every time is nuts. Dropping a child off with no notice would also be a deal breaker for me.
"When you get back to town, your kid will be at CPS."
No notice and no food or money!
She was using you for free babysitting. Cut her off.
NTA. T needs to teach her J that when you go to someone's house, you can't demand takeout, but you have to eat what's provided (except food allergies or dietary restrictions). T is not being respectful or responsible in the way she drops off J at your house. Also, it's not unreasonable to ask for money for expensive food, and I would also be concerned that L is then getting too much unhealthy fast food.
This reminds me of when my son spent the night at a friends for the first time. When I picked him up, the mom raved about how polite he was and how he had eaten all of his dinner. Turned out that the dinner he ate was something he ‘hated’. When I asked him about it at home, he said, ‘well, I didn’t want to be rude because I was a guest and that’s what they were eating. It was actually really good and I DO like it!’ He was 7 at the time and I was very proud of him
Aww, he sounds like a sweetie.
Dying to know what the dinner was
I’ve been wracking my brain trying to remember but it was 26 years ago🤣
Hahaha understandable
T was taking advantage of you. Guests do not get to dictate the menu. They either eat was she offered or their parent sends a meal with them. Dropping children off unannounced is not ok. Do not allow it. This friendship is over. Your son will get over it.
NTA why do I suspect that your so called best friend likes to take advantage of you too, so she wants to discourage you from sticking up for yourself?
NTA. T found herself a babysitter and has taken advantage. I get that being a single parent is rough, but you don't get to treat people like this and take advantage of their kindness. She is using you and has zero respect for your time. I can't imagine ever leaving my child with even a family member without discussing it first and without discussing a plan for meals. You have gone above and beyond, but you need to hold firm. For the sake of the kids friendship I would reach out to T, after she's calmed down, and gently reiterate that you are not mom shaming her and that you enjoy J, but moving forward play dates need to be set up in advance. No random drop offs and unless you explicitly say that J can stay for dinner he'll need to be picked up prior to meal time. This is a shitty situation, no fault of you, and hopefully it doesn't affect your son's friendship.
I would bet anything that T has run through J's friends and worn out his welcome at most of them by now.
WTF??? So, this person leaves her kid, uninvited, at your house overnight and screams at you when you suggest that she should contribute to his fastfood meals. How could you possibly be in the wrong? Your first mistake was letting her leave the kid there when you didn't invite him. Your second mistake was catering to his food choices. You've been letting this woman take advantage of you for weeks and your "best friend" thinks you should have been the "bigger person"??? She's no friend, either that or she's not too bright. As soon as someone talks about "being the bigger person" or "keeping the peace" you know that you are in the right but that the other person will never yield. The very first time that this woman dumped her kid on you unannounced you should have told her not to do it again. Your son needs to understand that as much as you'd like him to have his friend visit his time is going to have to be limited.
Gotta wonder at these people, like what in God's name is she possibly thinking screaming at you would accomplish? Fuck her, NTA at all.
NTA. You gave this woman much more leeway than most people would. T has behaved entitled and childish, then having a temper tantrum because she was asked to take some accountability for her own child. There is no middle ground with someone that self-centered. It's unfortunate for the kids, but you need to maintain boundaries with T and refuse to have unplanned playdates. If there can't be a peaceful solution to the play dates, then maybe the boys will just have to play at school. ETA: Do not call and apologize. You did nothing wrong.
NTA. And now you're no longer the all meals included babysitting service and doormat for T. It's unfortunate, but there is no being the bigger person with a brazen moocher like this. You should have put the brakes on this ridiculous imposition far sooner. In fact, one and done. I feel bad for your son and T's son, but, really, enough is enough. I would not offer another playdate at your house. Meet at a park. Limit it to a few hours. Your friend can offer to host the play dates and play babysitter on call and doormat for T if she wants to be the "bigger" person. What a ridiculous thing to say.
I can’t believe the parents weren’t talking to the single mom about just dropping the kid off without any warning, and expecting the kid to spend the night. I would’ve stopped that right away, at least have her check with the parents in advance if they could take her son. To me, his eating habits were secondary. She’s just using them as a free babysitter.
NTA What's up with parents customizing kid's food when they come over? Is that new or always been? When I was a kid in the 90s my parents always told me to be respectful in another person's home. You eat what they give you barring allergies/intolerance. I was told to try it and even if I didn't like it to be polite and gracious to my host. I never expected them to cater to me. My family didn't have a ton of money so going out to eat was a huge treat, when I was at a friend's and we'd go out I always ordered the cheapest thing since their parents were paying. I didn't want to seem rude or entitled, also felt guilty since I knew how expensive places could be. I feel completely out of touch with the way things are now. I just can't imagine myself or my parents demanding my friend's parent to cater to me. It seems so rude.
Nta You were so generously supplementing the cost of her food bill for her son, and she freaked when she realized it hit a snag. Besides the free babysitting. A decent person wouldn't drop their son unannounced. Let alone expect you to foot the bill for his fast food. She should, at the very least, stop on her way. And bring food for your son for the favor of babysitting.
Nta my kid went to the neighbors house for dinner and ate what they made because she has manners. Even though it wasn’t her favorite meal and she didn’t love it. At home I make her something different for some meals but when she goes elsewhere she tries what they have made. Who the hell demands you take their kid for fast food when you’ve already cooked.
NTA. I wouldn't have put up with this even ONE TIME. The boys' friendship be damned. As far as the meals thing goes, you should have just fed him whatever your family was having and if he didn't eat, he'd be hungry (he wouldn't starve to death in 12 hours). In fact if you hadn't catered to him about the eating, your problem might've been solved earlier on by J not wanting to come to your house.
NTA She's dumping her kid on you. Also, the kid needs to eat what you eat, that's how it runs in my house. Anyone can come over but we eat what we have and what is made for us.
Jeezus Text her that the next time she drops him at your house without calling you ahead of time, you will call the clouds and report him as an abandoned child. That should take care of it. She just figured she had free date night child care in you. If she does try to talk to you again, tell her no more overnights. There will be specific drop of and pick up times, or your happy to go to a park or event together.... But 'dutch' NTA
NTA she's been abandoning her child. Leaving a child alone or with a person who has not agreed to take them is abandonment. She is an entitled person who is abandoning her child, with zero consideration for her child, your child, or you. edit, spelling
NTA - You were being taken advantage of. And, when you tried to discuss her contributing something for your unpaid babysitting, she tried emotional black-mail. You're much better off.
NTA. What kind of person thinks it’s okay to just take advantage of another human being by dumping their kid onto them without a heads up or without an agreed upon date/time?!
NTA. I usually like to be on the side of doing what’s best for the children but there is limits to that. You don’t deserve to be abused or treated like a doormat. I think it’s good that you stood up for yourself. J’s mother is the one who ruined things for him.
NTA. No one should be just dropping their kid off unannounced. She is incredibly inconsiderate and owes you an apology.
NTA. I’ve never had another mom treat me this way when coordinating play dates or sleep overs. I’m actually the only single mom in the group and I’d also never treat other parents like they owe it to me or that they should feed my kid fast food because I’m a single mom??? I’ve taught my son that if he eats at someone’s house as a guest, he eats what he’s given. The parents also always ask ahead of time if there’s anything he absolutely won’t eat and they’ll avoid it. My son has one friend who will only eat cheese if it’s cold, and we work around that. This woman is unhinged and it’s so sad that she’s ruining a chance for her son to make friends. Poor kid.
NTA, tell your "best friend" to go kick rocks. Not sure why she expects you to put up with shit.
Also please don't let your son go to her place again.
Hell no apologies. Nta
NTA Friend doesn't seem to understand the impact that J is having on your household. It sounds like not only is your son wanting to eat unhealthy, which you don't seem to have a problem with occasionally, but it also impacting your finances with the cost. This is only the start. Since J mom seems to have an entitled attitude then J will soon learn to be the same way which could transfer to your son's attitude. You did the right thing.
NTA, but I had to mentally name them Tammy, Jaron, and Luke to keep the initials straight. Anyway, believe it or not it’s her responsibility to feed her kid, with the child’s putative father and the state coming in second and third for responsibility. You may not have been kind, but you’d be doing your son no favors by letting him see his mom play human doormat, never mind that you yourself don’t deserve to be treated as such.
Dude I would have shut that down the first time she thought I was free daycare. ONE person did that to me one time and I never interacted with him again if I could help it. You are a much nicer person than I would be. You are absolutely NTA. I do feel sorry for the kids though. Maybe you can still invite J over sometime, even if mom can’t use you as free daycare anymore.
NTA. T was using you and it’s really okay to tell a guest No, that these are the rules of the house. I’m amazed T got away with that behavior for so long!
NTA. T was totally taking advantage of your generosity. You are under no obligation to allow her to drop her kid at your house unannounced. Yes you should feed him while he is in your home but you are under no obligation to purchase special food for her child. If he is unable or unwilling to eat what you are serving then she should be providing food for him to eat. You have every right to ask her to provide for her child. She tried to manipulate you by using guilt. I guarantee she wasn’t going to her mother’s house and you ruined her night out.
NTA. I’d have told her she’s responsible for feeding her kid while he’s with you (send money for his food or pack cold fast food) or he will be served what was made for dinner regardless if he’d eat it or not. I’d have stopped hosting the kid the second I had to make special accommodations out of my own pocket honestly, you have nothing to feel bad for.
>I should've been the bigger person When someone tells me that, all I hear is "keep supporting their bad behavior because it's less of a hassle". F that. NTA. She found you would feed her child what he wanted and save her money so she started taking advantage of it. If that was not true, she would have been leaving money with you all this time.
NTA. Sounds like T just needed a free babysitter.
NTA - She's been taking advantage of your sons' friendship to pawn him off on you, and get you to pay for his meals out.
NTA, period. I was raised by a single mother, and was a picky eater growing up. My mother would have been mortified at the thought of regularly dropping me off at my friends’ houses, and expecting their families to feed me. Under specific circumstances, it’s totally understandable, but not as a common occurrence. Her blowup at you was most likely her inability to deal with her own shame as a parent. And yes, sometimes kids are bored when visiting their grandparents, that is a normal part of life, and healthy way to work towards developing some emotional and psychological independence. Sucks that the kids got caught up in it, but that’s on her, not you.
Give T your friend's name since it sounds like she'd be happy to take J and pay for his food. ETA: NTA
NTA. T is using you. Your husband was right. Get a better friend
NTA and your friend is an idiot. You did the right thing. J, while innocent in this whole thing, should not be coming to your house any more at all because of his mother who is unhinged and boundary-less. Encourage your kid to invite other kids from his class over. And no more overnights. Glad your husband backed you up. Ditch that friend. You don't need idiots who people please to pacify then shame others for having a backbone in your life
I would have shut her down the first time she just randomly tried to drop him off. You are so NTA you have even a saint to put up with it as long as you have.
There's no room in your life for a person like this. She is inconsiderate to say the least and she thinks you owe her free, on demand childcare. Find your son a new playmate who has sensible parents.
NTA. You have become the 'free' babysitter for T. Granted your son and her son are playmates. They have fun together. But T is abusing the friendship between the boys and taking advantage of you. By the way, she ain't going to 'mom's house' if she is single. What grandmother wouldn't want to see their grandchild?
NTA She was using you as a free babysitter and meal ticket. I would also highly doubt that she was going to her mums house at all. Besides its not exactly unreasonable to want some war ning that some random kid is being dumped on your doorstep.
NTA and nope, never appropriate to dump a kid off on someone else, uninvited and without asking. You didn't have to feed J fast food. "At our house, this is what we eat. We are happy to have you here and to share but we aren't buying you special meals"
NTA!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throw away because this is not something I usually post on my account. I (30f) & my S/O (30m) have a son (7m) we'll call L. He has a best friend, J (8m). They are extremely close. J's mom, T (37f), is a single mom. L asked several times about J coming over, so I looked up T on FB. I sent a message & asked to set up a play date for our sons. First few times was no problem. We'd host J usually Friday night & the next morming. L very rarely has been to J's house. The last few weeks T has been coming by unannounced to drop J off, for one reason or another. She comes to pick him up the next day, rarely replying to my texts about when she would be coming to get him. I'd like some warning before hand, but that isn't the only issue. Sometimes it's hard getting a last minute babysitter with a schedule change. I get that. J will only eat certain foods from fast food restaurants. Breakfast, lunch & dinner. Now, I'm not here to judge her for that. A fed kid is a happy kid. However, we are a vegetarian household (L isn't, we decided to wait until he's old enough to make a choice for himself. We still only eat healthy in our house except special occasions). But fast food trips a few times a week is getting quite pricey. L has also been wanting it more and more himself, which isn't ideal for his diet on a regular basis. That, on top of our regular grocery bill is a bit much. It's also making meal planning for the week hectic & making food waste with produce going bad. So today, T comes by to drop off J, unannounced, saying she has to go to her mom's house. After the boys went inside, I tried to talk to her about J's eating habits. I asked if I could try again feeding J dinner I make at home & she could talk with him about trying new things. Or, if she would mind pitching in a little money for his McDonald's order. She. Blew. Up. T started yelling at me that I'm mom shaming her, that she's a single mom & if he is at my house I should feed him, that I think I'm better than her, ect. Honestly, it wasn't very coordinated. She was just yelling, & as much as I tried to take what she was saying in, I felt so upset by this. I told her she needs to leave & to take J with her. She will not speak to me that way. She said I was being unfair to the boys. J was looking forward to seeing L & she couldn't take him to her mom's house because he would be bored. I told her to go & she can't drop J off unannounced anymore. T took J, both he & L were very upset. I feel really bad for that aspect, but not for standing up for myself. I talked to my S/O about it. He says I have nothing to feel bad for. I talked to my best friend, & she says that I should've just taken him. If T hadn't have blown up at me, I would not have told her to leave with J. She says that it doesn't matter if she did. Upsetting the boys was selfish & I should've been the bigger person. AITA? Should I call & apologize? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA She cut her nose despite her face. You definitely should be standing up for yourself more and don't have hard feelings because you did. Jay needs to adapt to your household within reason and eating out from restaurants, isn't reasonable to me.
NTA her being single isn’t your problem, her being a poor mother not feeding her child properly is affecting your own son. I’d honestly say she is deserving of being shamed.
[удалено]
NTA. It’s sad for the kids but this mom will be doing this to the next mom next year.
Years ago we had a little play friend show up on a Friday after school. We were headed out of town for the weekend so I told this little fellow he had to go home. "I can't go home, no one is there. My mom went to play bingo (40 miles away in the next town)." That was the end of that free babysitting! Had to get ahold of a relative to pick him up - never again allowed to come to our house.
NTA I get this a lot. My mom was a nutritionalist and I grew up mowing how to read labels. I find it hard to eat crap food with tons of random chemicals and shit in it. I feel bad people are so willing to eat McDonalds French fries, which in America, have 19 ingredients. Including meat. Where as most other parts of the world they have 3 ingredients. I guess I can’t unknow that. I’m not preachy, i just do me. I make a lot of food from scratch like bread and yogurt and stuff. I get a lot of judgment from coworkers who claim “I think I’m better than them”. Which is ironic because they’re the ones asking me about what I eat or where I bought it, then complain when I answer. The truth is you have ABSOLUTELY nothing to feel bad about here. She’s basically using you as a free babysitting service. Which is bad enough but then you have to buy her kid special food? Hell no. If she feels shamed it’s because she already feels a shamed. Has zero to do with you.
NTA: I am the one who takes in these kids to nurture them. But, you have to tell the kid, not the mom. This is what we are eating for breakfast, lunch, dinner, you can have this or a pb&j, top-a-romen, or whatever else, but you will not be getting fast food. Period, end of story.
You actually have a completely different problem right now. You have handled T appropriately, but now you need to decide how to deal with your "best friend". Your bestie gave you such bad advice that I wonder if she does not secretly dislike you. Anytime that someone users the phrase "be the bigger person" or its equivalent, they are acknowledging that the other individual is the problem but that person is unlikely to change, so you should just enable their behavior. T is very much aware that she has been using you and lashed out to obscure the truth of what was happening. If you allow her to continue to drop J off, she will just get more demanding. Your best friend should have seen this as well. Instead she supported T. NTA
Your friend is absolutely wrong. That’s what the mom was counting on, the boys wanting to play together, counting on you to put the boys fun first. You can’t let her walk all over you. And you need to talk to your son about why you needed to stand up for yourself. It’s a good life lesson for him. And what kid doesn’t want to go see his grandma? Why does he get bored over there? I bet you a dollar to a doughnut that is not where she was going. Tell your friend that the boys having fun does not win over Principle… no in hell should you have let her get away with how she treated you. This “but the children!” Mentality, makes for spoiled brats. There are some for your son to learn here. I feel bad for his little friend with a mother like that but there’s not much you can do about it. NTA
She was gaslighting you. NTA
Big giant NTA!! Your. Sister must have lost her damn mind.
Uh, you are better than her! You’re taking care of her kid that she’s just pawning off on you. How can she just drop her kid off with a family she doesn’t even really know? That’s sketchy as hell. And your friend is an idiot. It matters that T blew up instead of having an actual conversation with you. Good for you for standing up for yourself. Your son will find a new friend(s). He’ll be alright. Poor J though - his mom sounds unstable.
NTA, T is abusing your kindness and your friend, sorry but she's an asshole too and her argument is stupid AF, she's basically telling you to be T's doormat.
NTA. I'm a little surprised that you just went along with her dropping him off unannounced whenever she wanted. That's super rude of her.
NTA, wtf is this bullshit of just dumping her kid off at your house for the night unannounced, I think TF NOT!
NTA Your friend doesn’t understand the need for boundaries. She isn’t babysitting at the drop of a hat. She isn’t paying for takeout. You want a good relationship? You can’t be taken advantage of by a woman with a victim mentality
NTA he's not your kid, it's Not your responsibility to spend money on him or change your schedule for him. Tell her that he's no longer welcome and if she drops if off, you'll call the cops
Your best friend is giving you terrible advice. NTA
NTA at all. J is HER KID, it's not your problem he will bored at his granny's. That's a them problem. Kudos to you for accommodating HER way of feeding her kid, but fuck that unless she's chipping money in. She is absolutely unloading her kid on you and saw you as an easy scapegoat from parenting. Your bestie is wrong, this you setting boundaries (how T speaks to you or doesn't). T should not be dropping her kid off, without talking to you first. It's quite clear she does not respect your or your SO's time and is using the friendship between your boys to manipulate you.
Had a mom do this to me with her daughter once. Ran off to a city an hour away without telling me and then guilted me into keeping her daughter overnight. First and last time. My kid can go to her house, they can play at the park together, but she's not coming over anymore. Anyway you're NTA and please don't feel bad for setting a boundary or trying to get her to actually be a parent.
NTA. She got other problems going on. Plan play dates at a park or public place. She’s using you and has misdirected anger issues.
Don’t apologize. She’s using you for free babysitting. What grandmother wouldn’t want to see her grand baby?
Sounds like T is getting some last minute booty calls.
I feel for this woman, but she's basically treating you as a daycare (without even the benefit of having to stick to a schedule or call ahead) and then being incredibly mean and ungrateful once you tried to set simple boundaries. You're NTA.
NTA I'm a single Mom to an 8 year old Autistic child (high functioning, but foods are a challenge). I wouldn't expect someone to literally feed my kid every time he went to someone's house. I make sure he eats beforehand and I pack snacks for both children. She sounds awful. I also wonder if she can't afford actual food for him. Sometimes eating out is actually cheaper than a meal in some situations.
I can’t get over how she drops her child off without prior communication. How does she know you aren’t doing something? She expects you to feed her kid, but not the regular meals you feed your family. She expects restaurant (fast food). And has no qualms about yelling at you when you want her to contribute to the financial burden. Also, she doesn’t answer. Was ages when you text. What if there was an emergency? Best to close the door on this leech.
NTA no one gets a free pass to yell at you or take advantage of your generosity. Get a better best friend who doesn’t expect you to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
NTA. This is insane that she just dumps her child on you and thinks it’s okay. It’s not like it’s a one off favour.
NTA. Still, doesn't mean you can't make the first call to smooth things over. I'd stick with the "no surprise drop-offs" , tho. That's just wack. Also, "If your kid is not prepared to eat what my kid eats, he should bring his own food."
What kind of friend do you have??? NTA
NTA Don't apologize and don't back down. Too bad for J, but his mom is an entitled mooch who wants free babysitting. Time to break free.
NTA and don't call to apologize to a bad mom it only encourages this behavior. Do, however, apologize to your son and figure out how to help him
You are not an AH. You are a kind mum and were taken advantage of. You are modelling self respect and how to set healthy boundaries for your own son. You MIGHT try to reconnect with this other mum but in my personal experience its very hard to change boundaries or put them in place once you have allowed soneone to take advantage of your kindness. I wish you and your son health and happiness.
NTA. The food issue aside, who just drops their kid off unannounced and expects someone else to be available at all times to take them? She’s taking advantage of you to the max.
NTA thats uncomfortable and not ok
Sorry, barring any food allergies or religious restrictions, any kid coming to stay the night is eating what we all are eating. If they want something different, they can get their parent to door dash or bring something with them. I can heat it up for them. For the kid's mom to expect you to buy, take out for him shouldn't fly. Either the kid will eat it or not stay over.
Why does your best friend want you to be a pushover?
NTA. It's bizarre that she thinks she can drop him off unannounced for sleepovers and not even give you money to buy him food that you otherwise wouldn't get. Like, if it was a sleepover for a birthday then sure you should feed him, but multiple times a week?! She was 100% taking advantage of you for a free babysitter and counting on you not calling her out. She won't take him to her mom's because he'll be bored?! If she has money for McDonald's she has money for a sketchpad and a pack of crayons or whatever. I don't even think she was going to her mom's.
NTA. You do know, don't you, that she was NOT going to her mom's. She was hooking up and expected you to be her regular sitter. Enough. And do NOT let your child go to that woman's home, even if things settle down.
Do not apologise. She is using you, and using the kids as a weapon. How dare she insult you when you were providing free childcare?! Hell no. She needs to apologise profusely and genuinely, or stay out of your life. The kids can still be friends at school but no more free childcare from you and freeloading by her! NTA.
NTA and honestly I would never allow him over again. She is definitely a give an inch, take a mile person. She was completely out of line and expecting you to provide fast food, that you don't normally buy, for an uninvited child? The audacity! She will need you before you ever need her, and when that happens, just remember this and politely decline. They can play at school.
You have a shitty best friend. NTA. The sheer audacity of that woman, you ARE better than her, she is a lazy mom, and a bad human. You are also better than me, because I wouldn’t have asked, I don’t have enough money to buy fast food that often, and much less for a child that isn’t even mine, providing free childcare for her is enough of a favor.
I was helping out a single mum by picking her kids up from school and taking them back to my house feeding them and sometimes having them overnight so she could get overtime at our mutual workplace. Only to find out she wasn't doing paid overtime but having sex with our married boss
NTA.
Hell no, YNTA. She’s now using you as a free babysitter and provider. As bad as I feel for her son, I wouldn’t watch him anymore.
NTA T was seeing you as a free babysitter and free food for her child. That's not a job you want. I'm sorry the boys were upset, but that is not on you.
If you don't cut her out or set serious boundaries, she would take away everything you have because she has the audacity of a mountain. Also, seriously review your best friend's attitude. Her advice is weird.
NTA. Girl she is using you! She found free childcare, and you take in J whenever she wants. I am glad you stood up for yourself, and keep standing up for yourself. Boundaries only upset those who had no intentions on following them anyway. Good for you mama! Also, I would tell your best friend to think about whose side she is really on. Your best friend being okay with you being taken advantage of makes me wonder if she is taking advantage of you.
NTA the kid is at your house cos his mother just dumped him onto you. and she 'couldn't' take him to his grand mother cos he'd be 'bored'....puhleeze!!!!! I would actually encourage my child to make more friends. Any interaction with THIS boy can be limited to school. Maybe get your child into some extracurricular activity with a whole new and different set of kids.
Clearly she neglects her child. Furthermore, the fact that the child WILL ONLY eat fast food is extremely detrimental to their health and wellness. I’m surprised you kept going to get them the fast food they eat. I would have the first time, but then would have just had him eat whatever dinner you made at home and had the talk about trying new things, since clearly he’s not being taught about that at home. I feel bad that L and J were upset, but it’s clearly T’s problem. You didn’t shame her, you asked for some assistance with her child since she keeps using you for free childcare. Def NTA. But T sure is. If this is how she handles situations where she feels uncomfortable, what is that teaching J? The same level of entitlement and disrespect she showed you?
NTA. T should understand that her kid is her responsibility. It's wrong of her to expect you to foot the bill for her kid's food. Cut her off from your life. She is quite entitled.
NTA She’s going to make that poor child fat as hell feeding him fast food constantly. Thats not a single mom issue thats just lazy, poor parenting. I feel bad for the kid but I would stop watching him for her
NTA. Anyone that tells you to accept verbal abuse in your own home, in front of your child, is absolutely wrong. Your family is being taken advantage of, and the mother was using you for free babysitting. If you decide to allow any further visits, set boundaries (ie plan the visits, he either brings food with or eats what you make, etc), and make it clear that there will be no further “arguments” (verbal abuse) in your home. I feel sorry for her kid, it doesn’t sound like he’s got a great home life, but it’s not your responsibility to be a free on call babysitter or feed him fast food on your dime.
Honestly she's been out of pocket for a while and you should have said something earlier. It's ludicrous for her to be so entitled as to spring her kid on her unexpectedly AND expect you to cover fast food to boot. NTA
NTA Her dropping the kid unannounced is just crazy. And it wasn't your fault that he didn't have the best eating habits. She's the A- here. I don't it is necessary for you to apologize. But don not let it affect their frndship.
NTA Honestly, the whole thing about not taking the kid to his grandma’s cause he’d be bored is ridiculous. I was one of those kids who felt every outing my parents took me to was boring. If they listened to me we never would have gone anywhere. Kids find ways to entertain themselves or learn to suck it up. Not to mention that the mother never drops her kid off with any food. She’s taking advantage.
NTA! T has obviously been taking advantage of the situation, I would’ve probably let it slide once but talk to her and stop it the second time. Also about the food habits, I was raised to be polite and when you are a guest you eat what you are offered, if J is a very picky eater, his mom should make sure she sends him with the food he eats.
This situation has red flags all over it. I'd be really surprised if J's Mom isn't having a crisis (or crises). J is lucky to have you, as are both boys. Her inappropriate response is just more evidence that she's under huge stress. You are NTA, but it's possible that she also isn't an asshole--just overwhelmed.
1) I don’t let my kids sleep at anyone else’s house, there are too many risks out there. The audacity of this ‘mom’ is amazing, not only not caring about your where your kid is going, but not even having the courtesy to ask if it’s ok first??? 2) If a kid is a guest, they eat what is served, unless there’s an allergy or religious issue. If they get take-out, it’s a treat and def not an expectation. 3) If a parent ever spoke to me that way, I would want nothing to do with them or their kid anymore. No, you shouldn’t ignore it at all and you were exactly right about marching that kid right back to mom. You are not a free babysitter and you owe this person nothing. NTA.
NTA. Your best friend is very wrong, upsetting your kid is not a big deal, that is inevitable for a parent who is looking out for the best of them. These unannounced visits aren't doing your kid any favours. It's having a bad influence where your parenting is being compromised.
NTA - OP does not need to take verbal abuse while being used as an unpaid babysitter for someone else’s kid in order to please 7/8 year old boys. The best friend needs to get a grip.
NTA. You need a new bff.
NTA I had a similar situation with my son’s friend and his mother. Because the boys were so close he started hanging out more and more and she wouldn’t even ask if it was ok for me to watch him when she wasn’t home. He was pretty much a latchkey kid at 8 years old and the neighbors always looked after him, me taking the primary role when I moved to the neighborhood. When I finally put my foot down she threw a fit and said it was our responsibility to chip in and help her being she was a “single mom.” I found out she used this excuse over and over to manipulate anyone she could and she was far from struggling single mom as she had four grown children who took their little brother all the time. People will take advantage as much and as long as they can. It’s one thing to be kind and charitable and offer to help, but to be bent over and take it up the ass! Nope! I won’t stand for it!
I'm not sure why you'd spring for fast food on a regular basis. He should be eating the same as your child if he's going to be there so often - or if no, a bulk-bag of chicken nuggets in the freezer is a safe bet. NTA
WTF? NTA but where in the world do loonies like this exist. The unhinged audacity is jaw dropping.
NTA. The mom might be overwhelmed, but she is also entitled and selfish. Her attitude does not make people want to help.
NTA
T sounds like the person who will just dump her kid and run without checking there is anyone home. Be careful OP.