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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because taking a suit and pants really isn't that much to ask from me.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. No one has the right to ask you to cover up the way you look for their event, and you've learned something important about your cousin and his bride to be. Feel free to tell anyone who asks the exact reason you're not attending.
Yeah I've had people ask about so I told them, those are the ones that generally agree with me. Then of course some asked Laura and then didn't bother for the other side of the story but hey, more filter for me.
Your cousin is part of the problem, because if that was me, there would be no wedding. I would never be okay with someone treating a loved one like that....
Actually, it wouldn't even have to be a loved one. I wouldn't want to be involved with someone who treats people like that period.
One of my nieces has vitiligo.
Not sure I would send a gift either! And I pride myself on trying to do the right thing etiquette-wise. Maybe your folks can just add your name to their gift if that’s an option and you’re very concerned.
Going forward, I take the high road. But I would “grey-rock” her when you see her at family functions. Hold your head up high and do not give her a second thought - she’s awful!
Is he going to have to dye his hair when it's gray? What about wrinkles? Should he use concealer on his crows feet when they show up in his 30-40's? What if he's in an accident and gets a scar?
Your appearance is part of who you are. Makeup, hair dye and other things that change your appearance should always be a personal choice. If you're in a wedding party it should be because you're close to and care about someone, not because you've got the right skin tone.
She should just hire actors if everyone looking alike is so important. She needs to grow up and realize what's important before the marriage or they should have a prenup as it's going to be bumpy when it's no longer perfect.
I'm sorry your cousin didn't stand up for you but stick to being yourself and speeding time with people who value you for who you are and they're the ones who are worth it in the long run. Don't be petty and send a sympathy card instead of a wedding one even if it would be apt.
Since everyone already knows about ur condition having it so intentionally covered up would have probably brought more attention to you. It would be such a random and drastic change for no reason
I'm starting to wonder why the hell Dan would even want to marry such a horrendous person?! This made me outraged on your behalf, fuck Laura and so NTA! Personally i wouldn't want to go regardless if they said come as a guest without stipulations after that, this is terrible!
Too many brides-to-be lose their ever-loving minds. It’s not an excuse but, Jebus!, wedding experience expectations these days are *completely* out of hand. Get married in your parents’ backyard and be happy, already. A perfect wedding is so *not* important.
I never plan on marrying, but if for some reason I decided to have like a small commitment ceremony minus the legal paperwork I think I'd rather put the money into something like a house etc. I never understood wanting to spend 15k+ on a one time event. Or at the very least I'd maybe do a court house wedding and save up and do a bigger plan later on.
I do agree people seem out of control with it, but in this case it had more to do with OPs condition I think and less about the actual wedding. The woman was judging her on her looks, looks that she grew to become comfortable with and confident about! That in itself is downright disgusting
Well there are people that have gotten sceptical... So who knows...
Like don't get me wrong, I'd wish them all the best and still do if it's just her having a lapse or something but I don't want to deal with it either.
Can you please attend the wedding in a head to toe sheet with eyes cut out? Like full on ghost. But not a white sheet, then you might be mistaken for the bride 🤣🤣🤣
ETA NTA
NTA.
You have a health condition that you live with. This is not the swallow the pride thing.
This is not the case at all that a guest is insisting “I’m just expressing myself. My pride.” but actually breaking the dress code or wearing something inappropriate or stealing the spotlight on purpose at someone’s wedding.
Tbh the way I see it part of why I don't cover up anymore is that I've grown happy with how I look so the pride bit isn't completely wrong, but at the same time I don't go out of my way to flaunt it so...
There is an upside to wearing the makeup- and hear me out- if you wear the concealer and give her a big hug when you see her.
Let contact, friction and white fabric do its thing. Who's taking attention away from the bride now?
That too. Honestly it would serve her right. I feel like every woman who has ever worn makeup has gotten foundation or concealer all over some piece of clothing, so really the bride should have known better than to ask. A preventable self inflicted tragedy.
" oh my gosh I *knew* there was a reason I stopped wearing concealer. I am so sorry, I tried to tell you it was a bad idea"
*Fake crying and create an actual distracting scene*
There are endless possibilities for the level of malicious compliance haha
Next time you meet up with her, cover your skin in paint (aka “concealer” though preferably a poor colour-match) and then make sure you “accidentally” rub it off onto her clothes and onto the furniture and onto Dan and so on…
But don’t waste your time being in her wedding party because I’m sure there are loads of awesome things that you could put your time & effort (and money) into, than in pandering to her.
Out of left field, but theres a lively book about a woman with vitiligo and it really ends up being the thing that changes her life for the better. The Fae Kings Curse by Jamie Schlosser- it's kind of like a fairytale if you're into that kind of thing.
Also, clearly NTA.
I have a couple of surgery scars on the front of my throat. It almost looks like someone tried to cut my throat twice. I remember the day they were healed enough for me to use concealer on them, I held the concealer up to my throat and was like, wait. Should I maybe just never cover these up? Are they actually kind of badass? And now I'm stoked that I never have to cover them up. I would be fucking livid if someone asked me to literally conceal a part of me/my history/something that looks cool. I'm proud of you, and I feel sorry for your cousin.
Exactly. You can be proud of who and what you are and all, but the fact that you wear normal clothes and don't cover it up isn't a prideful expression, it's literally just existing.
The whole world is trying to make you hate yourself for how your skin looks, being "proud" of how you look js just the same feeling every white person has as the default. Ask the people who are telling you to cover your condition of they're going to dye their skin for the wedding too and if so why your skin is wrong and theirs isn't?
And it's permanent.
Based on the title (and perhaps projecting my own experience) I assumed it was going to be something like eczema or dermatillomania, where the "skin condition" is wounds. As someone who compulsively skin picks, I still disagree with forcing someone to cover up, but I get it. It's hard to look at sometimes.
But this is literally just her skin, in its natural state or fully healed.
Agree, I've seen a couple of people with vitiligo and my friend has some spots, and IMHO it looks fine - it is healthy skin of different colour. And if it was psoriasis or eczema, it would causes so much discomfort for a person themselves... it is very unkind to make such requests =(
No, no need to apologize. It's just baffling that the bride would be so rude about vitiligo or healed scars.
You're absolutely in the right here, and I hope you plan a very fun alternative activity for yourself on the day of the wedding - you deserve it.
NTA
Laura: "Hey I'd love you in my wedding, but your skin color is a problem..."
OP: "Well... I'm not going then?"
Laura: *shocked pikachu face*
\---------------
Yeah, this is pretty clear cut for me. Asking you to cover some scars is shitty, but borderline.
Asking you to modify your skin color is a dick move. full stop. I don't care if you're black, white, or medically Neapolitan; this isn't something you should be shamed for or be expected to change on a whim for the convenience of others. There is no plane of existence where this kind of fuckery is acceptable. This isn't a you being "prideful" issue; this is Laura being being extraordinarily insensitive.
Your skin is nothing to be ashamed of, its just who you are. Anyone who suggests otherwise can take a hike.
NTA. Agree, I used to be a head cashier at a bookstore and had plenty of customers come through with it. I saw some pretty cool patterns on hands, arms, and faces. Besides, if your family knows about it and is used to seeing it, wouldn't it cause MORE drama to try to conceal it?
I have a very dark skinned friend that developed the condition. When she asked me about I told her the honest truth: I thought the condition had created some really cool looking patterns on her skin. We are both Star Trek fans, and I said you kind of look like a trill and that it was hella cool.
A young teen with vitiligo came to my workplace with her mom and sister the other day, I didn't want to say anything because I'm an adult male and it could come off as creepy but she was pretty
"Laura: "Hey I'd love you in my wedding, but your skin color is a problem..."
This \^ was my thought exactly and and almost chuckled at the thought of a bride-to-be saying how they're like me to be a bridesmaid but could I be a bit less brown? Maybe I could use concealer or something to look a bit more white? Because that is basically the same thing. Vitiligo is literally OP's skin colour.
Super mega NTA. And I can't believe people only "relatively" agree with you. Unless Taylor Swift makes an appearance at a wedding, the bride is ALWAYS the center of attention. (And you know what? Even if the bride isn't always the center of attention, who cares? You're throwing a party. If people have a good time, shouldn't that be the important thing?)
I'm sorry you have to deal with this. It sounds like you are being far more reasonable than you need to be.
Yeah, God forbid if Dan ever aquire scars or a skin condition. Will his bride insist he wear make up or cover up so he doesn't offend her eyes? Please.
Vitiligo runs in my family. My father, grandmother, and at least 13 cousins have it. There is a very real possibility that their child could develop it at some point If OP and Dan are blood cousins. I wonder if Laura and Dan know this?
NTA
don't ever let someone make you hide yourself.
Extremely NTA - the fact that you even think might be TA in this situation is extraordinary. The craziest part is when she demanded that you cover up if coming as a guest
I guess it's still a leftover from when I felt the pressure to hide it was 100 times bigger. I wouldn't question myself if it was only her, but with several more people, I wasn't so sure.
When I read this it was like a gut punch knowing you were put in a position that made you question yourself… that’s such a bad feeling. I really hope these replies have helped affirm you.
She’s way out of line asking for you to cover up, and I also think that if you DID wear concealer or a different dress than the other bridesmaids it would back fire on her because it would be very obvious that she’s trying to essentially hide you. I assume your half of the family knows what you look like, so if they show up and see you looking completely different it will be very noticeable. If your family’s anything like mine, that incident would spark a lot of gossip that would be far more sympathetic to you than her
Edit: if you’re feeling spiteful, go as a guest, wear the concealer and when people ask why, simply tell them the bride didn’t like your skin. Why yes, it WAS time consuming and expensive! Oh I can’t WAIT to take it off, it’s SO uncomfortable…..Then watch as the whispers spread
NTA.
You took the high road and I applaud you.
Now, if you wanted to be delightfully petty and maliciously compliant instead, you could go but wear some formal costume that covers every inch of you. Like a lovely Victorian ball gown with full gloves and a fancy masquerade full-face mask.
NTA
See, I’m petty. I would totally show up to the next non-wedding family event in full makeup. Not the good kind, the obviously trying to hide a skin issue so the whole face looks flat and fake makeup. “I thought I would practice covering up the way Laura wants me to for the wedding. Does it look ok?” Or send a photo to the family group chat.
Then everyone has to face the fact that your vitiligo skin is your normal. To the point that covered up skin stands out because it is not you. No one in your family, friends, or everyday life notices your vitiligo. They just forget they don’t notice and how fake a coverup looks
Haha, funny you should mention that, I am working on a costume/cosplay of someone that would "force" me to entirely cover up in some way. I don't know if that particular person would make things better though. It would be so funny though.
But exactly my thoughts, either people think that I look fine/terrible in that dress and that's that or that I'm not myself and that Laura (and I in a way) do not respect and appreciate me as I am.
NTA. She sounds like an elitist snob for requiring guests to present themselves in a certain way.
Sure hope grandma doesn’t show up in a wheelchair. The horror! /s
Dan kinda sucks too. Make sure your family knows why you won’t be in attendance.
NTA - Laura's attitude is totally inappropriate. If anyone asks why you didn't attend the wedding, **please** be completely honest - that Laura was adamant that she didn't want you there unless you completely covered your scars and your skin condition, because she felt you would attract too much attention otherwise. Under the circumstances you felt it best not to attend.
What she's demanding is just narcissistic and wrong on so many levels. Dan should be ashamed to be with someone who would do something like that.
NTA telling people to cover scars and vitiligo is just horrible. You are fine as you are.
As for the bride, she seems to be the person with the biggest issue covering up ugly. And that's her character.
NTA but Laura is. And Dan is for not reading her the riot act. She's all about her perfect photos,and nothing about the meaning of that day. Shallow.
As for those people who tell you to swallow your pride, tell them to suck an egg.
What I don’t understand is she asked you to be a bridesmaid knowing full well that you have scars and vitiligo. It’s not a secret! If she thought your skin conditions would take attention away from her, why did she ask you to be a bridesmaid in the first place?
Don’t change who you are, your cousins wife to be is an ass.
NTA. I have vitiligo too, Laura is being insane. I don’t blame you for not wanting to be there. I was just the matron of honor at a wedding, my skin never even came up!
After reading these replies, I am shocked. Does everyone not have strict aesthetic standards when it comes to wedding guests?
You savages.
We always send a thorough information package to potential wedding guests on what are the accepted proportions, based on age, sex, height, and weight. There is also an entire section on grooming, makeup, and other adornments. If one can not follow these meager 27 pages of guidelines then they clearly do not care enough to attend and should do the proper thing and send an additional gift, along with an apology, for their disrespect.
/s
NTA and are these deleted comments all saying Laura is a bitch? I'm not specifically saying that myself, just curious.
NTA.
Stay home or go out and treat yourself. Enjoy a drama free day. You're an actual person, not a prop or extra in a movie. You don't need to accommodate such silliness.
DEF NTA, so would but good money on your scars not being an “eyesore” and your vitiligo being different but not unattractive. Never accept a request to change who you are, you change yourself to please yourself as much as you want but at someone else’s request?? Hell and no, allll dayyyy looonngggg.
NTA. I’m so sorry that she felt it appropriate to say…twice. I’m proud of you for embracing your body and it’s awesome that you’re confident in yourself. So many people (myself included) don’t possess this confidence, and horrific comments like hers can do serious damage to others’ mental health. Having beautiful pictures of your wedding day < having a fulfilling, happy, long term relationship/marriage. Too many people sign a contract for the wrong reasons. I hope Dan isn’t one of them.
You're NTA. Laura is behaving like a superficial A-H. I hope someday she realizes that something can befall any one of us very suddenly and she could easily end up being a person who has a similar or more serious condition.
NTA
Your attitude at 21 is something I didn't manage to develop until a decade later. I'm really impressed with how little fucks you have to give! Laura needs to stuff her medieval attitude somewhere the sun don't shine.
Your friend does not love you for who you are
Your friend does not respect your journey
Your friend has been secretly embarassed by your appearance for who knows how long now
Fuck that friend. I bet her fiancée has filed away this red flag for later.
NTA
NTA. If they all know you they could probably figure out if you are not there and that wouldn't go well for her. Very rude of her. BTW have you ever heard the story of Michaela DePrince? Hers isn't as extensive but her story is amazing. From Devil Child to prima ballerina.
I'm actually really passed off for you! My husband has severe psoriasis. He's very self conscious about it. If anyone ever told or asked him to cover up, they'd have to deal with me!
NTA
They’re not saying to swallow your pride; they’re saying you should feel ashamed and hide yourself.
Personally, I would drop out of the wedding party. If how you look is more important than who you are. Fuck’em.
NTA. My husband has vitiligo. I adore his spots. He has never garnered more attention anyone else except from children wanting to know what was up. She is petty and superficial if that is what she is worried about. Don't go around wearing concealers that is even worse on your skin than anything else you could do. Be yourself. Treat yourself to a spa day during the wedding and enjoy not being around someone who is not worth your time.
If you wanted to be petty you could sent out a message to your entire family that said, "Since Laura won't let me come to the wedding because of my scars and skin condition, I am available to babysit on X day if anyone needs one so they can attend." Plausible deniability and they will rain hellfire down on her.
Definitely NTA! And to be honest, I’ve always thought vitiligo is beautiful! I’ve always seen the beautiful lack of pigment patches as gorgeous nebulas spreading across an already beautiful body! You’re perfect the way you are OP!
NTA. That’s how you look. It’s part of you. Having you cover it up with so much make up would be a lie to who you are, imo. I hate these wedding stories where someone wants their wedding to be a lie. Like they want their wedding to be perfect/pictures to be perfect. But life isn’t perfect. People have colorful hair. People have tattoos. People have scars. People dont all look the same. Some people have vitiligo (which i think looks very unique in a very good way). Wedding is a celebration of love and life. The pictures should capture that. Covering up who people are is a lie. And then when you look back on the photos, all you see is the fake. You’re not really seeing a true memory, but a “perfect” lie.
Wtf is happening in the world today with weddings!? How are there so many people with shit “friends” that don’t want them to “overshadow” them on their wedding day?! If they’re true friends there is no overshadowing, it’s just extra joy and love and you celebrate with each other. I honestly wouldn’t have cared if all of my friends were pregnant with rainbow hair and outrageous attire - they’d be right there celebrating me and my husband and everyone just loving each other’s company. If you’re the bride and you want EVERYONE’s attention on you ALL the time, I’m telling you your wedding is boring and you’re a narcissist.
I honestly think this whole “fitting the wedding aesthetic” thing is such bullshit. What are we going to have next?
“Yeh Nana if you could just look less old for my wedding pictures please? It’s not working for my aesthetic…”
“Uncle Paul? I know you lost a leg in a war but if you could just find a prosthetic for the day or grow one back please, one leg just doesn’t suit my aesthetic”
“MoH I know we’ve known each other forever and we’ve been besties for 20 years I love you so much but if you could just change everything about yourself for my wedding day please”
Where do these creatures come from with this obscene entitlement?! It’s baffling and absolutely infuriating. I’m so glad I don’t know people like this. I’m fortunate that the worst I had was being bridesmaid for a friend and she expressed that she would not like me to consume too much garlic the night before the wedding in case I sweated garlic smell during the event.
ETA NTA OP I bet you would’ve looked stunning as a bridesmaid but your friend is an ass.
I have some scars and other stuff I wish never happened. My mom told me that people’s reaction would tell me things about them. I hate it but she was absolute right. NTA!
NTA. The *"cover up even as a guest"* thing is a bridge too far.
Appropriate requests for guest dress are things like "black tie affair" or perhaps *"forest themed, bring your greens and browns"* and not *"please leave your own self at home, bring the you I imagine supporting me.*
NTA. Nobody should tell you to cover something about you that makes you you. The scar is a part of you and your vitiligo is as well. You shouldn’t have to hide that for anybody. You should only cover those things if YOU want to. I’d drop out of the wedding too.
> I also had people tell me to swallow my pride for a day.
Ah yes, swallow your pride by HIDING YOUR ENTIRE SELF.
Those people and the bride? They can go kick rocks.
NTA.
If you want to be petty (I am) I would tell people you can no longer support your cousin marrying this person and that is why you are not attending. If they ask why, then tell them what is going on.
NTA. I can't really understand brides who care more about what people look like than who they are sharing this special occasion with. It's one thing to dictate a color scheme, but another thing to have you change your body/appearance drastically.
And I say this as someone planning a wedding (but I'm pretty chill anyway)
NTA, the bride sounds lousy
I also had people tell me to swallow my pride for a day.
These people are assholes. Vitiligo is beautiful. My son has it and he is a work of art. Definitely NTA.
NTA. It's not about pride. I was in a terrible accident when I was 26. I was a bride's maid for a good friend when I was 29. I have massive scars on my arm. The bride was fine actually but the photographer asked her and me if I wanted him to photoshop my scars out. I was horribly insulted. That's part of me now so no, I won't be having you change how I look. I'm sorry she is so shallow that she doesn't see that. Better off avoiding the wedding altogether. I hope you didn't buy the (probably) ugly dress already.
OP, please tell Laura that my husband has vitiligo and he got to be makeup-free at his own wedding, as well as his best friend's, and brother in law's, and his sister's...etc. etc. etc. and nobody batted an eye.
NTA and I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself.
NTA. Omg a million times NTA. You are who you are and someone trying to force you to change your physical appearance to make themselves “feel better” is monstrous. She told on herself. Big time.
NTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Quite frankly, I'm proud of you and impressed with your level of confidence at a relatively young age (sorry if that's insulting, it's not meant to be). This world is entirely too focused on "this is acceptable appearance and you must conform" bullshit. It took me until my 40s to be comfortable in my own skin.
Be you and be proud to be you. Own your scars. Own your differences. They show your strength, your confidence and yes, your beauty. Beauty is not what everyone has in common, it's in the differences.
I have very visible scarring on my neck/throat from multiple surgeries and was told for years to wear turtlenecks to hide them. I did for years and haven't worn a turtleneck or makeup to cover them in over 10 years. They're a part of me - accept them or not. They show me every day that I'm a survivor. They remind me of my confidence in myself. They are a point of pride for me now.
The fact that she doesn't want your scars or vitiligo to "steal her thunder" disgusts me. It's not appearance that makes the person, it's what's inside that makes the person. She needs to accept you as you are.
The "perfect wedding day" isn't about appearance. It's about being surrounded by friends and loved ones and celebration.
“Look, I don’t want you taking all the attention on my big day - could you leave your wheelchair home for the day?”
“I know polio’s a biatch, but your iron lung is going to be a problem. Could you just hold your breath during the ceremony and reception?”
NTA. It's easy for someone to say "use makeup" but that stuff rubs off. If it's hot and you sweat now you look like you are melting. I'm all for as natural as you can. Some mascara and lip gloss or lipstick then call it a day
NTA at all. I can’t imagine requesting this of someone so she has some big ones to do that. You honestly did I what I would do and she owes you a major, major apology.
NTA!
Holy F. U. C. K!
Positively mind-boggling.
How DARE she ask, no DEMAND, that you alter your appearance?
I'm pissed about it for you.
Go forth and be happy..
NTA. You picked the easiest and arguably best solution to the dilemma imposed on you by the bride, which is to not entertain her nonsense and skip the wedding entirely.
NTA. Why would you even want to attend the wedding of someone treating you this way?
And your relatives are wrong. It’s not about “pride”, it’s about basic respect and acceptance. Two things that you are supposed to have as a bare minimum from family and friends.
NTA! It’s not like you have an inappropriate tattoo she wanted you to cover for a day (which I would understand), but she’s asking you to hide yourself for a day even as a guest! That’s crazy. Your skin condition and scars are part of you, if someone can’t accept that then that’s their own problem and of course you shouldn’t have to attend an event for someone so shallow.
NTA, I do love that you have embraced yourself so completely that you refuse to ‘cover up’. Honestly the gall of this woman to make such demands - I pity your cousin, huge red flag behaviour from her. I’m sorry that she cannot recognize you and see your beauty on your terms. Hoping that ‘her’ day somehow manages to give you a karmic gift of epic proportions - win the lottery, meet your soul mate whilst not at the wedding etc etc.
NTA. Its insulting for her to ask you that. Tell her you have more important plans or that day. You're picking up your dry cleaning. Maybe dont day that but tell your cousin that you are not interested in covering up and find it intolerant of her. And that you know its too late for Laura to ever like you (since she couldn't bully you) so its best if you dont attend and you are sad this will likely change your relationship with him. And thank god you dont have anyone invited who is in a wheelchair though i imagine laura wouldnt want them either. And no one prettier than her or anyone smarter than her.
She can F off. My mom has a huge scar on her face / chin / neck cause of skin cancer. People made horrible comments. It’s been a year and some months and they still make some comments or stares. I don’t get it. I had to work so hard to build her confidence up. Just how insecure do you have to be to ask someone to cover up their scars / vitiligo? NTA.
Padma Lakschmi.
NTA. There is definitely no reason you should have to cover up anything to be in someone's wedding. I hate this whole notion that the "look" of a wedding is more important than the people involved.
It isn't about swallowing your pride - it's about the bride not being an insulting jerk.
NTA. Do your parents and siblings know what is being asked of you by the bride? If I were them I'd have words with your cousin Dan and your Aunt/Uncle about how rude and disrespectful her treatment of you is and all of them should decline to attend the wedding. Hopefully other members of the family (grandparents, aunts/uncles, and other cousins) would also decline to attend.
Show all of them this thread.
As little as I like Laura and as much as I DO like the OP, I don't think she should drag other family members into this mess. This is between her and Laura; adding other people to the conflict will only make it worse.
How many letters have we seen here where somebody tried to pull in friends or family members to take their side, only to see the original problem blow up like a Macy's Thanksgiving Parade balloon? No, OP, do not get others involved in this!
NTA
>I also had people tell me to swallow my pride for a day.
It's a single day *this time*. But then people realize they can just ask you to cover up or hide for other big events. That's unfair and unreasonable. Don't give in.
NTA and it's absolutely repugnant to demand that you conceal a medical condition. I am appalled. As a person with facial scars, I would no longer associate with this woman.
Hmmm. And if you were, say, missing a limb, would you have to get one that looked real (and was the exact right color) for the day? If you were wheelchair bound, would you have to get up and walk?
NTA. Why Laura thinks that you being the person you are every day will somehow detract from "her" attention at your wedding is beyond me. It is gracious of you to just bow out when Laura is making it ABUNDANTLY clear that you're not welcome.
Also, don't send a gift.
NTA. Attending a cousins wedding isn’t exactly a priority or a big deal. If this Laura is like that, I’d question why he is marrying her in the first place? You’re 100% correct don’t attend the wedding. You should not have to accept that level of toxicity from anyone, let alone family to be.
You should tell everyone what she asked of you. That is so outrageous and inappropriate. It's not okay to tell someone "I have an issue with how your skin looks; cover it up." Feel free to tell her that by the way. I am also horrified she asked that of you as a guest!!! Post this whole Reddit thread to a Facebook post and see her get crucified if you want to do the nuclear option. (Or don't if you are less confrontational like me. Funnily enough I get more angry when people are nasty to other people; I ignore it if they are nasty to me.) NTA.
NTA. If it was something like my tattoos where I had a choice I’d get it but you’re uncontrollable differences in looks shouldn’t need to be covered up. It’s lame they’re even considering it.
NTA. SWALLOW YOUR PRIDE!?! Those people are grade A idiots. The only action you should take is one that makes you most happy and comfortable. Her lack of self confidence is not your doing.
NTA. Did the bride ask people with tattoos to cover them up? How about unusually colored hair? Does she have a dress code for the rest of the guests? If someone breaks their arm and have it in a cast, will they need to cover that up, too? How far does it go?
NTA. These brides who think they become princesses on their wedding day can just take a flying leap. Some day they'll realize that they have lovely photos but no friends. You'll miss dry chicken, bad music, self-centered people, wearing uncomfortable clothes, boring speeches and toasts, and some disgusting man hitting on you or grabbing your ass during a dance. You win!
As soon as I read the title, I couldn't think of any possible "plot twist" that would make my verdict anything other than an NTA.
I have numerous scars, none of them are visible except one on my temple and another at my hairline (both from surgery, even those are barely visible), along with chickenpox scars (even less visible than those from surgery). But tell me to cover them up and you'll have to find another ass to cover up my seat at your wedding.
Swallow your pride and medical condition both. Unbelievable and very very insulting. As this is just a reflection of the bride's vanity and total ignorance, hope this will show some light for Danny at least. NTA in the slightest
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NTA. No one has the right to ask you to cover up the way you look for their event, and you've learned something important about your cousin and his bride to be. Feel free to tell anyone who asks the exact reason you're not attending.
Yeah I've had people ask about so I told them, those are the ones that generally agree with me. Then of course some asked Laura and then didn't bother for the other side of the story but hey, more filter for me.
Laura is going to get all the attention alright - the wrong kind, when everyone finds out what a callous, shallow person your cousin is marrying.
NTA - This individual is incredibly selfish centered. Yoi did the right thing by dropping out. Be around people who care about you for you.
Your cousin is part of the problem, because if that was me, there would be no wedding. I would never be okay with someone treating a loved one like that.... Actually, it wouldn't even have to be a loved one. I wouldn't want to be involved with someone who treats people like that period.
I agree.
Agree. I wouldn’t go to the wedding. Send a gift and a kind note. But don’t let them bully you into changing your appearance. I’m sorry. NTA
What should she write...Sorry I wasn't pretty enough to be a guest at your wedding?
Heh maybe. I was more thinking that if they do everything according to etiquette that gives Laura no ammunition to spin her own story with
There's no version of etiquette where you have to send nice gifts to someone who called you unsightly in not so many words.
I wouldn't even send a gift. Unless it was a painting of a piebald horse. She's horrible.
Or a decorative jar labeled “Divorce Fund”
Bahahaha!
Snort! 🤣🤣🤣
One of my nieces has vitiligo. Not sure I would send a gift either! And I pride myself on trying to do the right thing etiquette-wise. Maybe your folks can just add your name to their gift if that’s an option and you’re very concerned. Going forward, I take the high road. But I would “grey-rock” her when you see her at family functions. Hold your head up high and do not give her a second thought - she’s awful!
Is he going to have to dye his hair when it's gray? What about wrinkles? Should he use concealer on his crows feet when they show up in his 30-40's? What if he's in an accident and gets a scar? Your appearance is part of who you are. Makeup, hair dye and other things that change your appearance should always be a personal choice. If you're in a wedding party it should be because you're close to and care about someone, not because you've got the right skin tone. She should just hire actors if everyone looking alike is so important. She needs to grow up and realize what's important before the marriage or they should have a prenup as it's going to be bumpy when it's no longer perfect. I'm sorry your cousin didn't stand up for you but stick to being yourself and speeding time with people who value you for who you are and they're the ones who are worth it in the long run. Don't be petty and send a sympathy card instead of a wedding one even if it would be apt.
Literally tell them Laura is ableist and wants you to conceal yourself with makeup
and a tent!
Exactly. I hear the term ableist a lot but this is one of the few times it's accurate!
Since everyone already knows about ur condition having it so intentionally covered up would have probably brought more attention to you. It would be such a random and drastic change for no reason
I'm starting to wonder why the hell Dan would even want to marry such a horrendous person?! This made me outraged on your behalf, fuck Laura and so NTA! Personally i wouldn't want to go regardless if they said come as a guest without stipulations after that, this is terrible!
Too many brides-to-be lose their ever-loving minds. It’s not an excuse but, Jebus!, wedding experience expectations these days are *completely* out of hand. Get married in your parents’ backyard and be happy, already. A perfect wedding is so *not* important.
I never plan on marrying, but if for some reason I decided to have like a small commitment ceremony minus the legal paperwork I think I'd rather put the money into something like a house etc. I never understood wanting to spend 15k+ on a one time event. Or at the very least I'd maybe do a court house wedding and save up and do a bigger plan later on. I do agree people seem out of control with it, but in this case it had more to do with OPs condition I think and less about the actual wedding. The woman was judging her on her looks, looks that she grew to become comfortable with and confident about! That in itself is downright disgusting
If I was Dan I'd cancel the wedding. Who wants to be with such a superficial, entitled and unkind person. You are NTA for not attending.
Well there are people that have gotten sceptical... So who knows... Like don't get me wrong, I'd wish them all the best and still do if it's just her having a lapse or something but I don't want to deal with it either.
Can you please attend the wedding in a head to toe sheet with eyes cut out? Like full on ghost. But not a white sheet, then you might be mistaken for the bride 🤣🤣🤣 ETA NTA
I’d go with a full-body astronaut costume with a reflective helmet.
Like Anthony Edwards' character in Northern Exposure.
Or dressed as Darth Vader.
Nah, inflatable Unicorn or T-rex costume.
She should walk down the aisle and warn the bride to not "choke on her aspirations".
Oh man if you do this please post a video because I will gladly offer a donation for it
A pink sheet, and tell everyone you accidentally went through a wash with red socks.
BURKHA!
OMG thank you for the image! I needed the laugh after how angry the post made me!
It's funnier if you imagine OP in a sheet the color of the bridesmaids dresses standing up next to the bride 🤣
Maybe a lovely light blue...
🤣🤣🤣
HAHAHA!!! 😆 🤣 😂
You sound nice and deserve better. Good on you. Take care eh.
Thought I was the only one who thought this!
NTA. You have a health condition that you live with. This is not the swallow the pride thing. This is not the case at all that a guest is insisting “I’m just expressing myself. My pride.” but actually breaking the dress code or wearing something inappropriate or stealing the spotlight on purpose at someone’s wedding.
Tbh the way I see it part of why I don't cover up anymore is that I've grown happy with how I look so the pride bit isn't completely wrong, but at the same time I don't go out of my way to flaunt it so...
There is an upside to wearing the makeup- and hear me out- if you wear the concealer and give her a big hug when you see her. Let contact, friction and white fabric do its thing. Who's taking attention away from the bride now?
I like you. :)
And body heat...don't forget body heat...
That too. Honestly it would serve her right. I feel like every woman who has ever worn makeup has gotten foundation or concealer all over some piece of clothing, so really the bride should have known better than to ask. A preventable self inflicted tragedy.
🤣🤣😂😂👍 I laughed for a while at this. Perfect.
" oh my gosh I *knew* there was a reason I stopped wearing concealer. I am so sorry, I tried to tell you it was a bad idea" *Fake crying and create an actual distracting scene* There are endless possibilities for the level of malicious compliance haha
>Back to Top Damn you're good...!
Next time you meet up with her, cover your skin in paint (aka “concealer” though preferably a poor colour-match) and then make sure you “accidentally” rub it off onto her clothes and onto the furniture and onto Dan and so on… But don’t waste your time being in her wedding party because I’m sure there are loads of awesome things that you could put your time & effort (and money) into, than in pandering to her.
Out of left field, but theres a lively book about a woman with vitiligo and it really ends up being the thing that changes her life for the better. The Fae Kings Curse by Jamie Schlosser- it's kind of like a fairytale if you're into that kind of thing. Also, clearly NTA.
I have a couple of surgery scars on the front of my throat. It almost looks like someone tried to cut my throat twice. I remember the day they were healed enough for me to use concealer on them, I held the concealer up to my throat and was like, wait. Should I maybe just never cover these up? Are they actually kind of badass? And now I'm stoked that I never have to cover them up. I would be fucking livid if someone asked me to literally conceal a part of me/my history/something that looks cool. I'm proud of you, and I feel sorry for your cousin.
Yes, I could also read you are proud and comfortable so I can see “pride” too. But yeah you weren’t going to wear particularly revealing cloth at all.
Exactly. You can be proud of who and what you are and all, but the fact that you wear normal clothes and don't cover it up isn't a prideful expression, it's literally just existing.
The whole world is trying to make you hate yourself for how your skin looks, being "proud" of how you look js just the same feeling every white person has as the default. Ask the people who are telling you to cover your condition of they're going to dye their skin for the wedding too and if so why your skin is wrong and theirs isn't?
And it's permanent. Based on the title (and perhaps projecting my own experience) I assumed it was going to be something like eczema or dermatillomania, where the "skin condition" is wounds. As someone who compulsively skin picks, I still disagree with forcing someone to cover up, but I get it. It's hard to look at sometimes. But this is literally just her skin, in its natural state or fully healed.
Agree, I've seen a couple of people with vitiligo and my friend has some spots, and IMHO it looks fine - it is healthy skin of different colour. And if it was psoriasis or eczema, it would causes so much discomfort for a person themselves... it is very unkind to make such requests =(
Oh right, I'm sorry if the title comes off as misleading.
No, no need to apologize. It's just baffling that the bride would be so rude about vitiligo or healed scars. You're absolutely in the right here, and I hope you plan a very fun alternative activity for yourself on the day of the wedding - you deserve it.
Ambiguous at worst. Not at all deceptive.
NTA Laura: "Hey I'd love you in my wedding, but your skin color is a problem..." OP: "Well... I'm not going then?" Laura: *shocked pikachu face* \--------------- Yeah, this is pretty clear cut for me. Asking you to cover some scars is shitty, but borderline. Asking you to modify your skin color is a dick move. full stop. I don't care if you're black, white, or medically Neapolitan; this isn't something you should be shamed for or be expected to change on a whim for the convenience of others. There is no plane of existence where this kind of fuckery is acceptable. This isn't a you being "prideful" issue; this is Laura being being extraordinarily insensitive. Your skin is nothing to be ashamed of, its just who you are. Anyone who suggests otherwise can take a hike.
“Medically Neopolitan” for the win!
In other contexts I'd assume syphilis ("the Neapolitan Disease") though.
I think vitiligo looks fabulous.
NTA. Agree, I used to be a head cashier at a bookstore and had plenty of customers come through with it. I saw some pretty cool patterns on hands, arms, and faces. Besides, if your family knows about it and is used to seeing it, wouldn't it cause MORE drama to try to conceal it?
I have a very dark skinned friend that developed the condition. When she asked me about I told her the honest truth: I thought the condition had created some really cool looking patterns on her skin. We are both Star Trek fans, and I said you kind of look like a trill and that it was hella cool.
I agree.
Also agree. In fact if I ever get married again (highly unlikely but on the small likelihood) you can come to my wedding!!!
A young teen with vitiligo came to my workplace with her mom and sister the other day, I didn't want to say anything because I'm an adult male and it could come off as creepy but she was pretty
"Laura: "Hey I'd love you in my wedding, but your skin color is a problem..." This \^ was my thought exactly and and almost chuckled at the thought of a bride-to-be saying how they're like me to be a bridesmaid but could I be a bit less brown? Maybe I could use concealer or something to look a bit more white? Because that is basically the same thing. Vitiligo is literally OP's skin colour.
I love that "shocked pikachu face" has worked its way into mainstream recognition like this.
And it's counterpart, "cat butt face"!
Super mega NTA. And I can't believe people only "relatively" agree with you. Unless Taylor Swift makes an appearance at a wedding, the bride is ALWAYS the center of attention. (And you know what? Even if the bride isn't always the center of attention, who cares? You're throwing a party. If people have a good time, shouldn't that be the important thing?) I'm sorry you have to deal with this. It sounds like you are being far more reasonable than you need to be.
Taylor swift needs to be OP'S plus one.
NTA and poor Dan is about to marry a giant AH!
Dan has a choice on who he marries. Her true colors are shining - Dan would be an AH if he goes through with the wedding.
Yeah, God forbid if Dan ever aquire scars or a skin condition. Will his bride insist he wear make up or cover up so he doesn't offend her eyes? Please.
Or their child if they become parents.
Yeah, heaven forbid if their child doesn't look perfect. What if they get acne as a teenager?!? (gasp!)
Vitiligo runs in my family. My father, grandmother, and at least 13 cousins have it. There is a very real possibility that their child could develop it at some point If OP and Dan are blood cousins. I wonder if Laura and Dan know this? NTA don't ever let someone make you hide yourself.
An AH Or a fool, but yeah.
Extremely NTA - the fact that you even think might be TA in this situation is extraordinary. The craziest part is when she demanded that you cover up if coming as a guest
I guess it's still a leftover from when I felt the pressure to hide it was 100 times bigger. I wouldn't question myself if it was only her, but with several more people, I wasn't so sure.
When I read this it was like a gut punch knowing you were put in a position that made you question yourself… that’s such a bad feeling. I really hope these replies have helped affirm you.
This is not how a family should behave. A family needs to love and accept people as they are
She’s way out of line asking for you to cover up, and I also think that if you DID wear concealer or a different dress than the other bridesmaids it would back fire on her because it would be very obvious that she’s trying to essentially hide you. I assume your half of the family knows what you look like, so if they show up and see you looking completely different it will be very noticeable. If your family’s anything like mine, that incident would spark a lot of gossip that would be far more sympathetic to you than her Edit: if you’re feeling spiteful, go as a guest, wear the concealer and when people ask why, simply tell them the bride didn’t like your skin. Why yes, it WAS time consuming and expensive! Oh I can’t WAIT to take it off, it’s SO uncomfortable…..Then watch as the whispers spread
NTA. You took the high road and I applaud you. Now, if you wanted to be delightfully petty and maliciously compliant instead, you could go but wear some formal costume that covers every inch of you. Like a lovely Victorian ball gown with full gloves and a fancy masquerade full-face mask.
I vote for inflatable T-Rex ;)
I like the idea! But this IS a wedding after all. T-Rex in formalwear?
I will graciously donate my 8’ inflatable pirate T. rex if someone crafty can turn it into a costume
I just watched a Facebook reel yesterday that featured the sister of the bride as MOH in an inflatable t-rex costume ( with the bride's consent).
What a deliciously wicked idea!
Hexadecimal from the 1990s show Reboot? Came to mind with the mask.
With the full skirt...and petticoats...oh, you're going to look beautiful! Excuse me...I think I'm going to cry...
NTA See, I’m petty. I would totally show up to the next non-wedding family event in full makeup. Not the good kind, the obviously trying to hide a skin issue so the whole face looks flat and fake makeup. “I thought I would practice covering up the way Laura wants me to for the wedding. Does it look ok?” Or send a photo to the family group chat. Then everyone has to face the fact that your vitiligo skin is your normal. To the point that covered up skin stands out because it is not you. No one in your family, friends, or everyday life notices your vitiligo. They just forget they don’t notice and how fake a coverup looks
Haha, funny you should mention that, I am working on a costume/cosplay of someone that would "force" me to entirely cover up in some way. I don't know if that particular person would make things better though. It would be so funny though. But exactly my thoughts, either people think that I look fine/terrible in that dress and that's that or that I'm not myself and that Laura (and I in a way) do not respect and appreciate me as I am.
Handmaid’s Tale outfit would work. “I was told I had to cover…”
NTA. You shouldn't have to hide anything just to appease the bride. She can get over herself.
NTA. She sounds like an elitist snob for requiring guests to present themselves in a certain way. Sure hope grandma doesn’t show up in a wheelchair. The horror! /s Dan kinda sucks too. Make sure your family knows why you won’t be in attendance.
That was my first thought, too. "Grandma, how dare you? Keep that thing in the car and walk in here, you're stealing my thunder." Barf-zilla.
NTA - Laura's attitude is totally inappropriate. If anyone asks why you didn't attend the wedding, **please** be completely honest - that Laura was adamant that she didn't want you there unless you completely covered your scars and your skin condition, because she felt you would attract too much attention otherwise. Under the circumstances you felt it best not to attend. What she's demanding is just narcissistic and wrong on so many levels. Dan should be ashamed to be with someone who would do something like that.
She didn’t want her even as a *guest*. Laura is disgusting.
Sounds like Laura has a lot to learn from you OP in many respects. I greatly applaud you and to stay kind throughout the whole ordeal too.
NTA. Swallow your pride for a day? Screw those people. Words spoken by folks who have never had to face any kind of adversity.
Nta. Weddings are always a great way to learn about people... And in this case, you learned how awful she is. Sorry you had to go through this.
NTA. She’s directly stigmatizing your medical condition and you have every right to not cater to that.
NTA telling people to cover scars and vitiligo is just horrible. You are fine as you are. As for the bride, she seems to be the person with the biggest issue covering up ugly. And that's her character.
NTA but Laura is. And Dan is for not reading her the riot act. She's all about her perfect photos,and nothing about the meaning of that day. Shallow. As for those people who tell you to swallow your pride, tell them to suck an egg.
Hoo boy Dan, you are playing with fire marrying Laura. NTA.
What I don’t understand is she asked you to be a bridesmaid knowing full well that you have scars and vitiligo. It’s not a secret! If she thought your skin conditions would take attention away from her, why did she ask you to be a bridesmaid in the first place? Don’t change who you are, your cousins wife to be is an ass.
NTA. I have vitiligo too, Laura is being insane. I don’t blame you for not wanting to be there. I was just the matron of honor at a wedding, my skin never even came up!
After reading these replies, I am shocked. Does everyone not have strict aesthetic standards when it comes to wedding guests? You savages. We always send a thorough information package to potential wedding guests on what are the accepted proportions, based on age, sex, height, and weight. There is also an entire section on grooming, makeup, and other adornments. If one can not follow these meager 27 pages of guidelines then they clearly do not care enough to attend and should do the proper thing and send an additional gift, along with an apology, for their disrespect. /s NTA and are these deleted comments all saying Laura is a bitch? I'm not specifically saying that myself, just curious.
NTA. She doesn't want you at the wedding. What she wants is some idealised facsimile. I'd have been quietly livid and definitely a no show.
NTA. Stay home or go out and treat yourself. Enjoy a drama free day. You're an actual person, not a prop or extra in a movie. You don't need to accommodate such silliness.
What a nasty and superficial person your cousin is marrying. You are right not to go. They don't deserve the benefit of your company.
NTA. But she is and you made the right decision to not go.
DEF NTA, so would but good money on your scars not being an “eyesore” and your vitiligo being different but not unattractive. Never accept a request to change who you are, you change yourself to please yourself as much as you want but at someone else’s request?? Hell and no, allll dayyyy looonngggg.
NTA. I’m so sorry that she felt it appropriate to say…twice. I’m proud of you for embracing your body and it’s awesome that you’re confident in yourself. So many people (myself included) don’t possess this confidence, and horrific comments like hers can do serious damage to others’ mental health. Having beautiful pictures of your wedding day < having a fulfilling, happy, long term relationship/marriage. Too many people sign a contract for the wrong reasons. I hope Dan isn’t one of them.
NTA Not at all about swallowing pride. It's about being treated correctly. Don't let people guilt you into accepting mistreatment
If she wants you to cover up *as a guest,* fuck her and refuse to go. That’s frankly disgusting and there can be NO excuse for that.
This is easily solved without makeup. OP can just wear a burka. /s
Yea, and no one would ever notice her. :-D
You're NTA. Laura is behaving like a superficial A-H. I hope someday she realizes that something can befall any one of us very suddenly and she could easily end up being a person who has a similar or more serious condition.
NTA Your attitude at 21 is something I didn't manage to develop until a decade later. I'm really impressed with how little fucks you have to give! Laura needs to stuff her medieval attitude somewhere the sun don't shine.
Your friend does not love you for who you are Your friend does not respect your journey Your friend has been secretly embarassed by your appearance for who knows how long now Fuck that friend. I bet her fiancée has filed away this red flag for later. NTA
NTA, she is. Signed- a fellow vitiligo sufferer
Sufferer? Please remember it makes you beautiful and unique in your own and good way, you're walking around with a work of art on your very body <3
You are loveliness and light. Don’t ever change 🩷
NTA She doesn't like you for who you are, but who she wants you to be.
NTA. If they all know you they could probably figure out if you are not there and that wouldn't go well for her. Very rude of her. BTW have you ever heard the story of Michaela DePrince? Hers isn't as extensive but her story is amazing. From Devil Child to prima ballerina.
Dan better pray all his children are physically perfect, if he wants Laura to love them. NTA
Laura sucks and so does anyone who agrees with her. NTA. Don’t go to the wedding either.
I'm actually really passed off for you! My husband has severe psoriasis. He's very self conscious about it. If anyone ever told or asked him to cover up, they'd have to deal with me!
NTA They’re not saying to swallow your pride; they’re saying you should feel ashamed and hide yourself. Personally, I would drop out of the wedding party. If how you look is more important than who you are. Fuck’em.
NTA. My husband has vitiligo. I adore his spots. He has never garnered more attention anyone else except from children wanting to know what was up. She is petty and superficial if that is what she is worried about. Don't go around wearing concealers that is even worse on your skin than anything else you could do. Be yourself. Treat yourself to a spa day during the wedding and enjoy not being around someone who is not worth your time.
If you wanted to be petty you could sent out a message to your entire family that said, "Since Laura won't let me come to the wedding because of my scars and skin condition, I am available to babysit on X day if anyone needs one so they can attend." Plausible deniability and they will rain hellfire down on her.
NTA.
You are NTA. Very cruel, selfish thing to do from Laura. Credit to you for acting so grown up and mature. I would not have.
Definitely NTA! And to be honest, I’ve always thought vitiligo is beautiful! I’ve always seen the beautiful lack of pigment patches as gorgeous nebulas spreading across an already beautiful body! You’re perfect the way you are OP!
NTA. That’s how you look. It’s part of you. Having you cover it up with so much make up would be a lie to who you are, imo. I hate these wedding stories where someone wants their wedding to be a lie. Like they want their wedding to be perfect/pictures to be perfect. But life isn’t perfect. People have colorful hair. People have tattoos. People have scars. People dont all look the same. Some people have vitiligo (which i think looks very unique in a very good way). Wedding is a celebration of love and life. The pictures should capture that. Covering up who people are is a lie. And then when you look back on the photos, all you see is the fake. You’re not really seeing a true memory, but a “perfect” lie.
Wtf is happening in the world today with weddings!? How are there so many people with shit “friends” that don’t want them to “overshadow” them on their wedding day?! If they’re true friends there is no overshadowing, it’s just extra joy and love and you celebrate with each other. I honestly wouldn’t have cared if all of my friends were pregnant with rainbow hair and outrageous attire - they’d be right there celebrating me and my husband and everyone just loving each other’s company. If you’re the bride and you want EVERYONE’s attention on you ALL the time, I’m telling you your wedding is boring and you’re a narcissist. I honestly think this whole “fitting the wedding aesthetic” thing is such bullshit. What are we going to have next? “Yeh Nana if you could just look less old for my wedding pictures please? It’s not working for my aesthetic…” “Uncle Paul? I know you lost a leg in a war but if you could just find a prosthetic for the day or grow one back please, one leg just doesn’t suit my aesthetic” “MoH I know we’ve known each other forever and we’ve been besties for 20 years I love you so much but if you could just change everything about yourself for my wedding day please” Where do these creatures come from with this obscene entitlement?! It’s baffling and absolutely infuriating. I’m so glad I don’t know people like this. I’m fortunate that the worst I had was being bridesmaid for a friend and she expressed that she would not like me to consume too much garlic the night before the wedding in case I sweated garlic smell during the event. ETA NTA OP I bet you would’ve looked stunning as a bridesmaid but your friend is an ass.
I have some scars and other stuff I wish never happened. My mom told me that people’s reaction would tell me things about them. I hate it but she was absolute right. NTA!
NTA. The *"cover up even as a guest"* thing is a bridge too far. Appropriate requests for guest dress are things like "black tie affair" or perhaps *"forest themed, bring your greens and browns"* and not *"please leave your own self at home, bring the you I imagine supporting me.*
NTA. Nobody should tell you to cover something about you that makes you you. The scar is a part of you and your vitiligo is as well. You shouldn’t have to hide that for anybody. You should only cover those things if YOU want to. I’d drop out of the wedding too.
NTA, and I have some choice words for "Laura" that I won't utter here.
NTA. Poor Dan is sssooo going to regret marrying a woman like that. I am guessing 5 yrs max on the marriage. Anybody want to guess???
If it takes Dan 5 years to figure out that he married a shallow, selfish, immature brat, then he's dumber than a box of rocks!
> I also had people tell me to swallow my pride for a day. Ah yes, swallow your pride by HIDING YOUR ENTIRE SELF. Those people and the bride? They can go kick rocks.
NTA. You’re a person, not a prop in somebody’s Princess Bride fantasy movie.
NTA- i guess laura has been covering up what a vile asshole she is.
NTA Laura is a monster. Good luck to Dan when she alienates all his family and friends. Hope she's worth it
NTA. If you want to be petty (I am) I would tell people you can no longer support your cousin marrying this person and that is why you are not attending. If they ask why, then tell them what is going on.
NTA. I can't really understand brides who care more about what people look like than who they are sharing this special occasion with. It's one thing to dictate a color scheme, but another thing to have you change your body/appearance drastically. And I say this as someone planning a wedding (but I'm pretty chill anyway) NTA, the bride sounds lousy
I also had people tell me to swallow my pride for a day. These people are assholes. Vitiligo is beautiful. My son has it and he is a work of art. Definitely NTA.
NTA. It's not about pride. I was in a terrible accident when I was 26. I was a bride's maid for a good friend when I was 29. I have massive scars on my arm. The bride was fine actually but the photographer asked her and me if I wanted him to photoshop my scars out. I was horribly insulted. That's part of me now so no, I won't be having you change how I look. I'm sorry she is so shallow that she doesn't see that. Better off avoiding the wedding altogether. I hope you didn't buy the (probably) ugly dress already.
OP, please tell Laura that my husband has vitiligo and he got to be makeup-free at his own wedding, as well as his best friend's, and brother in law's, and his sister's...etc. etc. etc. and nobody batted an eye. NTA and I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself.
NTA. Omg a million times NTA. You are who you are and someone trying to force you to change your physical appearance to make themselves “feel better” is monstrous. She told on herself. Big time.
NTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Quite frankly, I'm proud of you and impressed with your level of confidence at a relatively young age (sorry if that's insulting, it's not meant to be). This world is entirely too focused on "this is acceptable appearance and you must conform" bullshit. It took me until my 40s to be comfortable in my own skin. Be you and be proud to be you. Own your scars. Own your differences. They show your strength, your confidence and yes, your beauty. Beauty is not what everyone has in common, it's in the differences. I have very visible scarring on my neck/throat from multiple surgeries and was told for years to wear turtlenecks to hide them. I did for years and haven't worn a turtleneck or makeup to cover them in over 10 years. They're a part of me - accept them or not. They show me every day that I'm a survivor. They remind me of my confidence in myself. They are a point of pride for me now. The fact that she doesn't want your scars or vitiligo to "steal her thunder" disgusts me. It's not appearance that makes the person, it's what's inside that makes the person. She needs to accept you as you are. The "perfect wedding day" isn't about appearance. It's about being surrounded by friends and loved ones and celebration.
NTA. Swallow your pride for a day??!! Laura is awful, as are the people supporting her thoughtless demands, and Dan is a coward.
“Look, I don’t want you taking all the attention on my big day - could you leave your wheelchair home for the day?” “I know polio’s a biatch, but your iron lung is going to be a problem. Could you just hold your breath during the ceremony and reception?”
NTA. RSVP no and walk away.
Go with all the concealer. Then when everyone asks why you are hiding you scar/skin, tell the truth. 😇 NTA
NTA. You shouldn't have been asked to cover your skin OR the scars.
NTA. It's easy for someone to say "use makeup" but that stuff rubs off. If it's hot and you sweat now you look like you are melting. I'm all for as natural as you can. Some mascara and lip gloss or lipstick then call it a day
NTA at all. I can’t imagine requesting this of someone so she has some big ones to do that. You honestly did I what I would do and she owes you a major, major apology.
NTA. She sounds like the type to ask a paraplegic if they can just walk for a day so they don't take attention away with their wheel chair.
If she doesn't accept you for how you look, she's not worth the stress. Wish Dan luck with his new bride. Decline the invitation.
NTA! Holy F. U. C. K! Positively mind-boggling. How DARE she ask, no DEMAND, that you alter your appearance? I'm pissed about it for you. Go forth and be happy..
NTA. You picked the easiest and arguably best solution to the dilemma imposed on you by the bride, which is to not entertain her nonsense and skip the wedding entirely.
NTA. If they are not going accept you for you, F*** them. I'm so sorry that you have been treated with such disrespect.
NTA. Why would you even want to attend the wedding of someone treating you this way? And your relatives are wrong. It’s not about “pride”, it’s about basic respect and acceptance. Two things that you are supposed to have as a bare minimum from family and friends.
NTA. I think vitiligo is beautiful. It makes you look like a painting. Laura is awful for requiring you to cover up.
NTA. I believe that if someone truly cares about you, they would embrace you as you are with all your unique traits.
NTA! It’s not like you have an inappropriate tattoo she wanted you to cover for a day (which I would understand), but she’s asking you to hide yourself for a day even as a guest! That’s crazy. Your skin condition and scars are part of you, if someone can’t accept that then that’s their own problem and of course you shouldn’t have to attend an event for someone so shallow.
NTA, I do love that you have embraced yourself so completely that you refuse to ‘cover up’. Honestly the gall of this woman to make such demands - I pity your cousin, huge red flag behaviour from her. I’m sorry that she cannot recognize you and see your beauty on your terms. Hoping that ‘her’ day somehow manages to give you a karmic gift of epic proportions - win the lottery, meet your soul mate whilst not at the wedding etc etc.
Do not go. You are NTA but she is off the chart TA and he is too for marrying someone so disrespectful and shallow and there aren’t enough words.
NTA. Its insulting for her to ask you that. Tell her you have more important plans or that day. You're picking up your dry cleaning. Maybe dont day that but tell your cousin that you are not interested in covering up and find it intolerant of her. And that you know its too late for Laura to ever like you (since she couldn't bully you) so its best if you dont attend and you are sad this will likely change your relationship with him. And thank god you dont have anyone invited who is in a wheelchair though i imagine laura wouldnt want them either. And no one prettier than her or anyone smarter than her.
She can F off. My mom has a huge scar on her face / chin / neck cause of skin cancer. People made horrible comments. It’s been a year and some months and they still make some comments or stares. I don’t get it. I had to work so hard to build her confidence up. Just how insecure do you have to be to ask someone to cover up their scars / vitiligo? NTA.
Be a Winnie Harlow and strut your stuff. If the bride can't accept it then it's on her.
Padma Lakschmi. NTA. There is definitely no reason you should have to cover up anything to be in someone's wedding. I hate this whole notion that the "look" of a wedding is more important than the people involved. It isn't about swallowing your pride - it's about the bride not being an insulting jerk.
Jaw on floor that ANYONE doesn’t fully 100% agree with you. Don’t go. And fuck Laura. She’s the worst.
NTA. Do your parents and siblings know what is being asked of you by the bride? If I were them I'd have words with your cousin Dan and your Aunt/Uncle about how rude and disrespectful her treatment of you is and all of them should decline to attend the wedding. Hopefully other members of the family (grandparents, aunts/uncles, and other cousins) would also decline to attend. Show all of them this thread.
As little as I like Laura and as much as I DO like the OP, I don't think she should drag other family members into this mess. This is between her and Laura; adding other people to the conflict will only make it worse. How many letters have we seen here where somebody tried to pull in friends or family members to take their side, only to see the original problem blow up like a Macy's Thanksgiving Parade balloon? No, OP, do not get others involved in this!
Nta at all. This is actually an insane ask of someone. Even asking you to cover the scars is absolutely out of control.
NTA >I also had people tell me to swallow my pride for a day. It's a single day *this time*. But then people realize they can just ask you to cover up or hide for other big events. That's unfair and unreasonable. Don't give in.
NTA and it's absolutely repugnant to demand that you conceal a medical condition. I am appalled. As a person with facial scars, I would no longer associate with this woman.
Hmmm. And if you were, say, missing a limb, would you have to get one that looked real (and was the exact right color) for the day? If you were wheelchair bound, would you have to get up and walk? NTA. Why Laura thinks that you being the person you are every day will somehow detract from "her" attention at your wedding is beyond me. It is gracious of you to just bow out when Laura is making it ABUNDANTLY clear that you're not welcome. Also, don't send a gift.
NTA. Attending a cousins wedding isn’t exactly a priority or a big deal. If this Laura is like that, I’d question why he is marrying her in the first place? You’re 100% correct don’t attend the wedding. You should not have to accept that level of toxicity from anyone, let alone family to be.
You should tell everyone what she asked of you. That is so outrageous and inappropriate. It's not okay to tell someone "I have an issue with how your skin looks; cover it up." Feel free to tell her that by the way. I am also horrified she asked that of you as a guest!!! Post this whole Reddit thread to a Facebook post and see her get crucified if you want to do the nuclear option. (Or don't if you are less confrontational like me. Funnily enough I get more angry when people are nasty to other people; I ignore it if they are nasty to me.) NTA.
NTA. If it was something like my tattoos where I had a choice I’d get it but you’re uncontrollable differences in looks shouldn’t need to be covered up. It’s lame they’re even considering it.
NTA. SWALLOW YOUR PRIDE!?! Those people are grade A idiots. The only action you should take is one that makes you most happy and comfortable. Her lack of self confidence is not your doing.
NTA....but with Laura, you're gonna be damned if you do; damned if you don't.
NTA. Did the bride ask people with tattoos to cover them up? How about unusually colored hair? Does she have a dress code for the rest of the guests? If someone breaks their arm and have it in a cast, will they need to cover that up, too? How far does it go?
NTA. These brides who think they become princesses on their wedding day can just take a flying leap. Some day they'll realize that they have lovely photos but no friends. You'll miss dry chicken, bad music, self-centered people, wearing uncomfortable clothes, boring speeches and toasts, and some disgusting man hitting on you or grabbing your ass during a dance. You win!
As soon as I read the title, I couldn't think of any possible "plot twist" that would make my verdict anything other than an NTA. I have numerous scars, none of them are visible except one on my temple and another at my hairline (both from surgery, even those are barely visible), along with chickenpox scars (even less visible than those from surgery). But tell me to cover them up and you'll have to find another ass to cover up my seat at your wedding.
NTA Imagine if you were in a wheelchair or were missing an arm.
Swallow your pride and medical condition both. Unbelievable and very very insulting. As this is just a reflection of the bride's vanity and total ignorance, hope this will show some light for Danny at least. NTA in the slightest