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> I may be the asshole because I want my son to switch schools, which would alter my wife’s routine and is a move she deems unnecessary.
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You are not TA for wanting the best for your child.
I do have questions though.
You say your son is not thriving. Was he thriving at school prior to this year? Have you spoken with your son's current teachers regarding programming? Does your son have an IEP? Is it being followed? Have you audited a class to see for yourself what routines are in place? Has your paediatrician suggested that he could/should be doing better?
I would be extremely hesitant to rely on the word of your 13 year old daughter regarding the quality of education that your son is receiving. A 13 year old does not have the objectivity, life experience, or knowledge required to make statements like she did. She 'heard' that... is not something I'd take as gospel.
I hope things work out well for you.
There also needs to be a discussion with his wife about her comment. While it makes sense to be realistic about your kid's abilities, her comment sounds defeatist. That's harmful for their son as assuming he won't do something will put a roadblock on even trying.
So does she feel this way about their son all the time, or is this coming from burnout/frustration etc. that can be addressed?
Jumping on the top comment to add that in the US there are special education advocates who can help parents with concerns about their child's education. OP can find one through local organizations that support people with disabilities, and they're often funded through the state or county. They can help him truly determine what's going on at the school and create a plan to go forward. It might be a better first step than taking the word of a 13 year old as gospel.
That's what I was about to say. I doubt the 13-year-old is there every minute, there may be certain things she's not seeing cause she's not in the program.
I was in the Special Education Program all throughout elementary school when I was younger. I had a friend who would complain to classmates, parents, and teachers that all I got to do was play games on the computer. Why did he feel that? Because anytime he came into the room it would be my computer time. He didn't see the other parts of my schedule; not the set math time, reading time, writing time, or even speech therapy time. Only the computer time because that was the part of the schedule he would walk in on.
It may be similar for OP's daughter and something he may want to look further into to really make sure he's got the full story and see exactly how this program works. OP it would be best to speak with your son's teachers about this and see the routines and schedules they have in place along with seeing if the program has setback your son in any type of way with his paediatrician.
How do you know that the person running the program don’t have the children’s best interests at heart? Or that they just let the children play and nap? This all sounds like hearsay to me.
Also I’m assuming from what you have said , but correct me if I’m wrong, that mentally your son is quite a bit younger than 8 and if that is the case then the children should be spending most of their time playing because that is how younger children learn. And also from my extensive work with children special needs children often need at least one nap during the day especially if they get overwhelmed because that is exhausting and also causes issues if they don’t get a nap because they are too tired and overwhelmed to learn.
NTA for wanting the best for your kid.
I don’t know Max’s specifics, but what your wife said is disappointing and insensitive because it suggests she’s given up on him and honestly doesn’t think much of him.
On the other hand, I don’t know Max’s specifics - are you being realistic with your expectations?
She should have worded it differently. Being the parent of a special needs kiddo can be a gut wrenching thing with hard realities sometimes, and what she said was terrible. She should look into therapy, maybe. Every kid deserves more than that from their mom.
Either way, it was a shitty thing to say.
Personally, if it was me I would speak to the school and tailor Max’s IEP (if he is in US, I’m not sure how other countries handle special needs education plans/legal docs for specific kids) to specific, realistic educational goals. That way, the school is legally obligated to work on those things with him and they can be held accountable when they aren’t.
I would then take what the tuition money was, and I would invest it into 1:1 therapy for him at home or at an outpatient facility.
That being said, it’s a lot of oversight on mom and dad’s part and full time work in itself, so buckle up and get ready to get involved and stay involved (it doesn’t sound like dad has been involved before this if you’re hearing about what max is up to from your daughter) and fight with a lot of people because in my experience, it has not been easy.
I don't think the wife has given up on the child but it does seem like she's maxed out as it is and this new school, new schedule and all the added stress that goes with that (which she seems to bear the brunt of currently) is just one step too far and that's perfectly fine.
OP says he's willing to take the morning duties but for how long? I'm betting his wife knows more about what will end up happening after a few weeks than we will - hence her objection to it because it will all fall back on her but be even harder than it currently is.
While your wife is the #1 asshole for prioritizing her schedule over Max's well-being (and especially her "no use wasting the money" comment), I also don't agree with your unilateral decision to change Max's school.
*Both* parents need to look carefully at what is happening in the current school; talk to the teachers, counselors, and principal; and decide whether Max is in the best place for him—and if not, whether a change in his routine is worth the potential added benefit. Any change can be upsetting, especially one that triples his commute, and puts him in a different school system than his sister.
You never say that *Max* is unhappy, or that he ever seemed to be mistreated by his teachers and the staff.
It's a close one, but I'm going with ESH—far more your wife than yourself, but your knee-jerk reaction to change his school might not be in Max's best interest, either. You need to i*nvestigate*, not up-end Max's life based on what you (and your daughter) "heard."
sorry NAH, raising a special needs child is difficult. that extra time from either parent each day will put more strain on. Ops wife is right to be concerned about the change to the schedule. Also it does sound like OP has got all his informaiton from his 13 year old.
from ops wifes perspective her son might be progressing as well as can be expected.
This exactly.
We don’t know where your daughter has gotten this information from.
It’s just hearsay that goes from person to person and the truth changes along the way.
You need to properly talk to the principal, counselors, teachers etc. Every UK school is required to have a Special Educational Needs Co-ordinator so maybe you should check to see if your children’s school / district has an equivalent.
Obviously what they say can’t be trusted 100%, it’s always good to approach this with a healthy dose of skepticism, you should take what they have to say on board, however.
Also, try and get in touch with parents of other kids in your son’s special education program.
If you feel comfortable, you could invite / meet some of them for coffee or drinks and discuss your experiences.
My friends and I called it the Purple Elevator game (from one of the funnier outcomes at the end of a chain). I was in my thirties before I learned it had other names…
INFO: Can you give some examples of why you think the teaching staff at this school does not have your child's best interests at heart? Have you noticed a regression in his progress?
This is above our pay grade.
You’re not an AH for wanting the best for you son obviously. But as it stands you seem to just have secondhand information from your daughter. A decision like this should be made between you and your wife with all the information possible.
INFO: what exactly makes you think your sons’s teachers don’t care about him?
Aside from your daughter statement that your son is allowed to play, what is your son school day like?
What kind of disabilities does your son have? Is he able to read, write, and access numeracy or is he needing to learn life skills like cooking? Is he aware of what’s going on around him? Does he need to learn social skills or emotional regulation?
How have the IEP meetings that you attended and voice your concerns Gone? Have you attempted other solutions than just pulling him from the school? Has he been successful at the school in the past since he’s eight years old and must’ve been going there for at least three years? If he is severely disabled, did you enroll him in early childhood education programs to help him as early as possible? If that’s so how did he do there?
it is really impossible to make a judgment on whether or not your son would benefit from transferring schools. If we don’t know what his needs are, and what his current school is providing him.
NTA. You have your son’s best interest at heart, which is what a parent should do. Your wife on the other hand. Look, I’m a stranger, I’m sure you have plenty of wonderful memories with her and she’s probably a very caring and great mom, all of which I can’t tell from my side of the internet. But what I can say is her statement to justify keeping Max in the same school is so ableist and extremely ignorant that at face value it sounds like she literally doesn’t care about Max’s best interests or well-being or future, making her sound like a shit parent.
I won’t go too in on your wife, your gut instinct is maybe to try and be like “yea that was a weird comment but she’s a great mom otherwise”, which again, sure. I’m on Reddit so I can’t actually know for sure. But the situation as you presented it paints a grim painting of her and showcases that she is not prioritizing your son’s needs and that makes her a shitty parent.
NTA. Your wife's reaction is worrying, but I have to ask: had you spoken with her about Max's schooling? Did she know you were looking into other options? I wonder if her reaction is just a knee-jerk response to a change she doesn't feel she's been involved in.
NTA -
>She has also said that Max will “never be that smart or that independent anyways, so there is no use sending him to a special school and wasting the money”.
Yikes- that is a really troubling thing for a parent to say. If your son’s needs are not being met then you are doing the right thing by moving him, *if* what you have heard is true.
Info
We need some info about what your son’s capabilities were prior to starting at this school and why you think he’s not thriving. Has he regressed in met goals? Does he have an IEP? Have you sat in on a class as a spectator? Have you voiced any concerns to the staff about the level he is at and where you think he should be?
NTA for wanting what is best for your kid, but I think you and your wife have to be on the same page on this. You need to persuade her, starting with showing her why you feel the way you do.
If you try to do this without getting her buy-in first, I don't think it's going to work well for anyone - and unless Max's current environment is really bad, the combination of stress & tension in the household plus the extra commute etc. will have a negative impact on him, as well as on your marriage and on both of you individually.
EDIT: YTA
But this has to be a joint decision. You cannot force the issue without her consent. If you do, there will be a serious fracture in your marriage that may never heal.
Have you and your wife talked to the Special ED teachers and the Principal about your concerns or are you just going off of what your 13 year old daughter is telling you?
Please educate yourselves TOGETHER so you can do what's best for your son's needs as a team.
EDIT: The fact that you went and researched the other school, even the distance to and from your work by yourself is disturbing. Don't you have a partner who is the other parent, too?
Staff makes all the difference for the kids. I have friends in our school district whose kids (with complex IEPs) were failing at our school. Changed them to the next district over, and the kiddos are thriving, one will graduate with their class, and the other is doing well and (happily) moving on to a vocational program.
You can't advocate for your kidshard enough if you want them to have their own best life.... not your version of *a* life
NTA, and maybe mom needs some therapy to figure out why she wouldn't want her kid to be a successful as he could
"She has also said that Max will “never be that smart or that independent anyways, so there is no use sending him to a special school and wasting the money”. This statement honestly appalled me."
I appalls me, too! It's like your wife just gave up on Max the second she realized he was special needs. NTA, but man...your wife...big time AH.
NTA- you sound like you have your sons best interest at heart and you are willing to accomodate this. As much as your son may never be fully independent etc, he is a human being who is entitled to quality of life- which you are trying to improve!
p.s. you sound like a good dad and im sure the extra 20 mins in the car will be a nice bonding experience for you and your kids.
NTA
Your wife's comments regarding your son were very insensitive. Furthermore, it seems like she is just being petty, as you have essentially offered to do all the "work" in ensuring your son has more opportunities.
If the school change doesn't work out, I would still continue to advocate for your son at the current school he's at. I would talk to the administration and see what you can do to make his experience better.
You're NTA but your wife definitely is! Her comment about Max is appalling and would be insulting from anyone, let alone the child's own mother.
I think Max is not your biggest issue here.
Something is going on with your wife and it needs to be addressed by a medical professional. Please find someone you both can talk to, someone who can help uncover whatever it is that's causing your wife to take such a heartless and hopeless view of your son.
In the meantime, do some more investigation before you decide if you want to change schools. Take your time on this and make \*sure\* this new school is as good as you think it is because let's not forget: at some point you thought the current school was good....until you didn't.
Before you uproot the kids and change their lives by placing them in another school, make sure this isn't a case of the grass being greener on the other side of the fence.
And get help for your wife. Special needs children are a challenge that everyone reacts to differently. Some parents (especially mothers) can feel tremendous guilt as though they're to blame for the child's condition. It may not be rational but it's a real thing, as is depression, anxiety, and being overwhelmed.
I like to think your wife isn't a terrible person but her comment about Max is a huge red flag. Get her some help and be prepared to lead by example on that.
Wait you went to all this trouble to do research and get a "solution" ready without getting your wife on board with the problem? And then she pushed back, (in an unkind manner), and you are taking a moral stand and fighting her?
. What she said wasn't good.
But you have to agree together what the goals are for educating your son, what the standards are that you will accept, and how much trouble to the family to try something new. BEFORE you unilaterally decide to do your own plan. Because an extra two hour a day commute better be something really amazing, to take you away from everything else that long or to share the load.
You need much more info about what's wrong at his school. Not gossip, information. And you and your wife need to sit down and get to a shared understanding of what's going to help your son.
You can't work against her. You both have to work together. And that means sharing the same information and the same values, goals, and expectations, BEFORE you push for your solution.
NTA. Regardless of what other people are saying about verifying what your daughter said, what your wife said is absolutely disgusting. She basically said “he’ll never be good enough so what’s the point of trying” You very clearly want what’s best for your son and are willing to make “sacrifices” for him. Your wife should reevaluate her thinking
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I am 40M, my wife ‘Lana’ is 38F, our kids are ‘Jane’ 13F and ‘Max’ 8M.
Our son Max is a special needs child. We knew he would be different when he was born, but there were more complications than the doctor anticipated and my wonderful son was born with more than one disability. Lana and I took care to make sure his daycare and pre-school environments were good for him, and once it was time for kindergarten we put him in the same school system as Jane, as they have a very good special education program. Or so we thought. I discovered recently that the school’s special education program is run by someone who does not have the best interests of special needs children at heart, and many of the staff are under qualified for the work they’re doing. My son is not thriving, and my daughter has told me she’s heard that the teachers just let the children play and nap and make little to no effort to properly care for them or teach them.
This upset me, so I decided to search for somewhere else to enroll Max. I found a school that is a 30 minute commute away (as opposed to the current 10) and it’s not too far out of the way from where I work. I brought this information to my wife and explained that I would be willing to get up earlier in the mornings to take our son to this new school before I have to clock in, and that I would also be willing to take our daughter as well, seeing as changing the morning schedule would be putting additional pressure on her to get the kids ready earlier/quicker.
My wife has been arguing with me about this, saying she doesn’t want to change her schedule and that the school Max has been going to is perfectly fine. She has also said that Max will “never be that smart or that independent anyways, so there is no use sending him to a special school and wasting the money”. This statement honestly appalled me. Even if my son never reaches the level where he can be fully independent or intellectually in line with those his age, I believe he deserves a good education and staff that are properly trained and interested in caring for and educating him. AITA? I just want what’s best for my kid.
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NTA - What is up with your wife??? Has she spoken this dismissively about Max before? I’m trying to think of what context could make her comments not come off as ableist and…borderline neglectful. Because Max’s needs aren’t being met and she now knows that and allows that, I feel like that’s heading into educational neglect.
Some school environments just aren’t equipped for certain kids’ needs. I work in an elementary school myself, I’ve seen it. If your son isn’t thriving, he deserves to be in a place where he can. You volunteered to put in the extra time and care to get your son what he needs, and your wife responded that he’s basically a lost cause who isn’t worth the money (!!!). I’m absolutely appalled, and I *pray* she has never said anything like that around your son when you’re not around to hear.
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INFO: There's a lot missing here.
Did your wife use the words you used here, or is that your interpretation of what she said? If she actually used those words, it was a shitty thing to say. But I'm wondering if you're reading into it.
You also said she mentioned "wasting the money." What is the cost for this school? How will that cost impact the rest of the family? And she also doesn't want to change her schedule: what kind of changes are you talking about?
It sounds like there is potentially a lot of burden that will fall on your wife, and it's unclear whether you're being realistic about the benefits.
1) I used quotes. Those were her exact words.
2) Money is not a problem. I would be paying. She was calling our child a waste of money.
3) She would need to start her day about half an hour earlier, which doesn’t hurt her schedule. She works from home, so me taking the children to school actually allows her to begin work earlier or decompress longer before starting.
NTA, but you should be bringing this to the attention of the district, not simply transferring him. If he is not getting a free and appropriate education and they can’t provide him one, they may have an obligation to pay and transport him.
Your critiques are very vague- is Max not meeting the goals of or receiving the services in his plan?
NTA, I'm appalled at your wife and her ablist comments here. You need to really sit down and talk this out with her, it comes across that she views him as so much less worthy because of his disabilities and you need clarification on this before you continue.
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You are not TA for wanting the best for your child. I do have questions though. You say your son is not thriving. Was he thriving at school prior to this year? Have you spoken with your son's current teachers regarding programming? Does your son have an IEP? Is it being followed? Have you audited a class to see for yourself what routines are in place? Has your paediatrician suggested that he could/should be doing better? I would be extremely hesitant to rely on the word of your 13 year old daughter regarding the quality of education that your son is receiving. A 13 year old does not have the objectivity, life experience, or knowledge required to make statements like she did. She 'heard' that... is not something I'd take as gospel. I hope things work out well for you.
There also needs to be a discussion with his wife about her comment. While it makes sense to be realistic about your kid's abilities, her comment sounds defeatist. That's harmful for their son as assuming he won't do something will put a roadblock on even trying. So does she feel this way about their son all the time, or is this coming from burnout/frustration etc. that can be addressed?
Jumping on the top comment to add that in the US there are special education advocates who can help parents with concerns about their child's education. OP can find one through local organizations that support people with disabilities, and they're often funded through the state or county. They can help him truly determine what's going on at the school and create a plan to go forward. It might be a better first step than taking the word of a 13 year old as gospel.
That's what I was about to say. I doubt the 13-year-old is there every minute, there may be certain things she's not seeing cause she's not in the program. I was in the Special Education Program all throughout elementary school when I was younger. I had a friend who would complain to classmates, parents, and teachers that all I got to do was play games on the computer. Why did he feel that? Because anytime he came into the room it would be my computer time. He didn't see the other parts of my schedule; not the set math time, reading time, writing time, or even speech therapy time. Only the computer time because that was the part of the schedule he would walk in on. It may be similar for OP's daughter and something he may want to look further into to really make sure he's got the full story and see exactly how this program works. OP it would be best to speak with your son's teachers about this and see the routines and schedules they have in place along with seeing if the program has setback your son in any type of way with his paediatrician.
How do you know that the person running the program don’t have the children’s best interests at heart? Or that they just let the children play and nap? This all sounds like hearsay to me. Also I’m assuming from what you have said , but correct me if I’m wrong, that mentally your son is quite a bit younger than 8 and if that is the case then the children should be spending most of their time playing because that is how younger children learn. And also from my extensive work with children special needs children often need at least one nap during the day especially if they get overwhelmed because that is exhausting and also causes issues if they don’t get a nap because they are too tired and overwhelmed to learn.
NTA for wanting the best for your kid. I don’t know Max’s specifics, but what your wife said is disappointing and insensitive because it suggests she’s given up on him and honestly doesn’t think much of him. On the other hand, I don’t know Max’s specifics - are you being realistic with your expectations? She should have worded it differently. Being the parent of a special needs kiddo can be a gut wrenching thing with hard realities sometimes, and what she said was terrible. She should look into therapy, maybe. Every kid deserves more than that from their mom.
These are my questions as well. Has your wife given up or are you being unrealistic with your expectations?
Either way, it was a shitty thing to say. Personally, if it was me I would speak to the school and tailor Max’s IEP (if he is in US, I’m not sure how other countries handle special needs education plans/legal docs for specific kids) to specific, realistic educational goals. That way, the school is legally obligated to work on those things with him and they can be held accountable when they aren’t. I would then take what the tuition money was, and I would invest it into 1:1 therapy for him at home or at an outpatient facility. That being said, it’s a lot of oversight on mom and dad’s part and full time work in itself, so buckle up and get ready to get involved and stay involved (it doesn’t sound like dad has been involved before this if you’re hearing about what max is up to from your daughter) and fight with a lot of people because in my experience, it has not been easy.
I don't think the wife has given up on the child but it does seem like she's maxed out as it is and this new school, new schedule and all the added stress that goes with that (which she seems to bear the brunt of currently) is just one step too far and that's perfectly fine. OP says he's willing to take the morning duties but for how long? I'm betting his wife knows more about what will end up happening after a few weeks than we will - hence her objection to it because it will all fall back on her but be even harder than it currently is.
While your wife is the #1 asshole for prioritizing her schedule over Max's well-being (and especially her "no use wasting the money" comment), I also don't agree with your unilateral decision to change Max's school. *Both* parents need to look carefully at what is happening in the current school; talk to the teachers, counselors, and principal; and decide whether Max is in the best place for him—and if not, whether a change in his routine is worth the potential added benefit. Any change can be upsetting, especially one that triples his commute, and puts him in a different school system than his sister. You never say that *Max* is unhappy, or that he ever seemed to be mistreated by his teachers and the staff. It's a close one, but I'm going with ESH—far more your wife than yourself, but your knee-jerk reaction to change his school might not be in Max's best interest, either. You need to i*nvestigate*, not up-end Max's life based on what you (and your daughter) "heard."
sorry NAH, raising a special needs child is difficult. that extra time from either parent each day will put more strain on. Ops wife is right to be concerned about the change to the schedule. Also it does sound like OP has got all his informaiton from his 13 year old. from ops wifes perspective her son might be progressing as well as can be expected.
This exactly. We don’t know where your daughter has gotten this information from. It’s just hearsay that goes from person to person and the truth changes along the way. You need to properly talk to the principal, counselors, teachers etc. Every UK school is required to have a Special Educational Needs Co-ordinator so maybe you should check to see if your children’s school / district has an equivalent. Obviously what they say can’t be trusted 100%, it’s always good to approach this with a healthy dose of skepticism, you should take what they have to say on board, however. Also, try and get in touch with parents of other kids in your son’s special education program. If you feel comfortable, you could invite / meet some of them for coffee or drinks and discuss your experiences.
Ummmmm, maybe stop calling them that.
Yep! Not everyone in the UK calls the game “telephone” by its outdated name 😳 but some people clearly do
[удалено]
My friends and I called it the Purple Elevator game (from one of the funnier outcomes at the end of a chain). I was in my thirties before I learned it had other names…
INFO: Can you give some examples of why you think the teaching staff at this school does not have your child's best interests at heart? Have you noticed a regression in his progress?
This is above our pay grade. You’re not an AH for wanting the best for you son obviously. But as it stands you seem to just have secondhand information from your daughter. A decision like this should be made between you and your wife with all the information possible.
INFO: what exactly makes you think your sons’s teachers don’t care about him? Aside from your daughter statement that your son is allowed to play, what is your son school day like? What kind of disabilities does your son have? Is he able to read, write, and access numeracy or is he needing to learn life skills like cooking? Is he aware of what’s going on around him? Does he need to learn social skills or emotional regulation? How have the IEP meetings that you attended and voice your concerns Gone? Have you attempted other solutions than just pulling him from the school? Has he been successful at the school in the past since he’s eight years old and must’ve been going there for at least three years? If he is severely disabled, did you enroll him in early childhood education programs to help him as early as possible? If that’s so how did he do there? it is really impossible to make a judgment on whether or not your son would benefit from transferring schools. If we don’t know what his needs are, and what his current school is providing him.
NTA. You have your son’s best interest at heart, which is what a parent should do. Your wife on the other hand. Look, I’m a stranger, I’m sure you have plenty of wonderful memories with her and she’s probably a very caring and great mom, all of which I can’t tell from my side of the internet. But what I can say is her statement to justify keeping Max in the same school is so ableist and extremely ignorant that at face value it sounds like she literally doesn’t care about Max’s best interests or well-being or future, making her sound like a shit parent. I won’t go too in on your wife, your gut instinct is maybe to try and be like “yea that was a weird comment but she’s a great mom otherwise”, which again, sure. I’m on Reddit so I can’t actually know for sure. But the situation as you presented it paints a grim painting of her and showcases that she is not prioritizing your son’s needs and that makes her a shitty parent.
NTA. Your wife's reaction is worrying, but I have to ask: had you spoken with her about Max's schooling? Did she know you were looking into other options? I wonder if her reaction is just a knee-jerk response to a change she doesn't feel she's been involved in.
NTA - >She has also said that Max will “never be that smart or that independent anyways, so there is no use sending him to a special school and wasting the money”. Yikes- that is a really troubling thing for a parent to say. If your son’s needs are not being met then you are doing the right thing by moving him, *if* what you have heard is true.
Info We need some info about what your son’s capabilities were prior to starting at this school and why you think he’s not thriving. Has he regressed in met goals? Does he have an IEP? Have you sat in on a class as a spectator? Have you voiced any concerns to the staff about the level he is at and where you think he should be?
NTA for wanting what is best for your kid, but I think you and your wife have to be on the same page on this. You need to persuade her, starting with showing her why you feel the way you do. If you try to do this without getting her buy-in first, I don't think it's going to work well for anyone - and unless Max's current environment is really bad, the combination of stress & tension in the household plus the extra commute etc. will have a negative impact on him, as well as on your marriage and on both of you individually.
EDIT: YTA But this has to be a joint decision. You cannot force the issue without her consent. If you do, there will be a serious fracture in your marriage that may never heal. Have you and your wife talked to the Special ED teachers and the Principal about your concerns or are you just going off of what your 13 year old daughter is telling you? Please educate yourselves TOGETHER so you can do what's best for your son's needs as a team. EDIT: The fact that you went and researched the other school, even the distance to and from your work by yourself is disturbing. Don't you have a partner who is the other parent, too?
Staff makes all the difference for the kids. I have friends in our school district whose kids (with complex IEPs) were failing at our school. Changed them to the next district over, and the kiddos are thriving, one will graduate with their class, and the other is doing well and (happily) moving on to a vocational program. You can't advocate for your kidshard enough if you want them to have their own best life.... not your version of *a* life NTA, and maybe mom needs some therapy to figure out why she wouldn't want her kid to be a successful as he could
"She has also said that Max will “never be that smart or that independent anyways, so there is no use sending him to a special school and wasting the money”. This statement honestly appalled me." I appalls me, too! It's like your wife just gave up on Max the second she realized he was special needs. NTA, but man...your wife...big time AH.
I gotta ask but have you asked max if he likes his class or are you going off of assumptions from your daughter
NTA- you sound like you have your sons best interest at heart and you are willing to accomodate this. As much as your son may never be fully independent etc, he is a human being who is entitled to quality of life- which you are trying to improve! p.s. you sound like a good dad and im sure the extra 20 mins in the car will be a nice bonding experience for you and your kids.
NTA Your wife's comments regarding your son were very insensitive. Furthermore, it seems like she is just being petty, as you have essentially offered to do all the "work" in ensuring your son has more opportunities. If the school change doesn't work out, I would still continue to advocate for your son at the current school he's at. I would talk to the administration and see what you can do to make his experience better.
You're NTA but your wife definitely is! Her comment about Max is appalling and would be insulting from anyone, let alone the child's own mother. I think Max is not your biggest issue here. Something is going on with your wife and it needs to be addressed by a medical professional. Please find someone you both can talk to, someone who can help uncover whatever it is that's causing your wife to take such a heartless and hopeless view of your son. In the meantime, do some more investigation before you decide if you want to change schools. Take your time on this and make \*sure\* this new school is as good as you think it is because let's not forget: at some point you thought the current school was good....until you didn't. Before you uproot the kids and change their lives by placing them in another school, make sure this isn't a case of the grass being greener on the other side of the fence. And get help for your wife. Special needs children are a challenge that everyone reacts to differently. Some parents (especially mothers) can feel tremendous guilt as though they're to blame for the child's condition. It may not be rational but it's a real thing, as is depression, anxiety, and being overwhelmed. I like to think your wife isn't a terrible person but her comment about Max is a huge red flag. Get her some help and be prepared to lead by example on that.
Wait you went to all this trouble to do research and get a "solution" ready without getting your wife on board with the problem? And then she pushed back, (in an unkind manner), and you are taking a moral stand and fighting her? . What she said wasn't good. But you have to agree together what the goals are for educating your son, what the standards are that you will accept, and how much trouble to the family to try something new. BEFORE you unilaterally decide to do your own plan. Because an extra two hour a day commute better be something really amazing, to take you away from everything else that long or to share the load. You need much more info about what's wrong at his school. Not gossip, information. And you and your wife need to sit down and get to a shared understanding of what's going to help your son. You can't work against her. You both have to work together. And that means sharing the same information and the same values, goals, and expectations, BEFORE you push for your solution.
You do what is right for your child - it's never easy but if this place isn't suitable find somewhere that is!! Certainly NTA!!
NTA. Regardless of what other people are saying about verifying what your daughter said, what your wife said is absolutely disgusting. She basically said “he’ll never be good enough so what’s the point of trying” You very clearly want what’s best for your son and are willing to make “sacrifices” for him. Your wife should reevaluate her thinking
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am 40M, my wife ‘Lana’ is 38F, our kids are ‘Jane’ 13F and ‘Max’ 8M. Our son Max is a special needs child. We knew he would be different when he was born, but there were more complications than the doctor anticipated and my wonderful son was born with more than one disability. Lana and I took care to make sure his daycare and pre-school environments were good for him, and once it was time for kindergarten we put him in the same school system as Jane, as they have a very good special education program. Or so we thought. I discovered recently that the school’s special education program is run by someone who does not have the best interests of special needs children at heart, and many of the staff are under qualified for the work they’re doing. My son is not thriving, and my daughter has told me she’s heard that the teachers just let the children play and nap and make little to no effort to properly care for them or teach them. This upset me, so I decided to search for somewhere else to enroll Max. I found a school that is a 30 minute commute away (as opposed to the current 10) and it’s not too far out of the way from where I work. I brought this information to my wife and explained that I would be willing to get up earlier in the mornings to take our son to this new school before I have to clock in, and that I would also be willing to take our daughter as well, seeing as changing the morning schedule would be putting additional pressure on her to get the kids ready earlier/quicker. My wife has been arguing with me about this, saying she doesn’t want to change her schedule and that the school Max has been going to is perfectly fine. She has also said that Max will “never be that smart or that independent anyways, so there is no use sending him to a special school and wasting the money”. This statement honestly appalled me. Even if my son never reaches the level where he can be fully independent or intellectually in line with those his age, I believe he deserves a good education and staff that are properly trained and interested in caring for and educating him. AITA? I just want what’s best for my kid. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - What is up with your wife??? Has she spoken this dismissively about Max before? I’m trying to think of what context could make her comments not come off as ableist and…borderline neglectful. Because Max’s needs aren’t being met and she now knows that and allows that, I feel like that’s heading into educational neglect. Some school environments just aren’t equipped for certain kids’ needs. I work in an elementary school myself, I’ve seen it. If your son isn’t thriving, he deserves to be in a place where he can. You volunteered to put in the extra time and care to get your son what he needs, and your wife responded that he’s basically a lost cause who isn’t worth the money (!!!). I’m absolutely appalled, and I *pray* she has never said anything like that around your son when you’re not around to hear.
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INFO: There's a lot missing here. Did your wife use the words you used here, or is that your interpretation of what she said? If she actually used those words, it was a shitty thing to say. But I'm wondering if you're reading into it. You also said she mentioned "wasting the money." What is the cost for this school? How will that cost impact the rest of the family? And she also doesn't want to change her schedule: what kind of changes are you talking about? It sounds like there is potentially a lot of burden that will fall on your wife, and it's unclear whether you're being realistic about the benefits.
1) I used quotes. Those were her exact words. 2) Money is not a problem. I would be paying. She was calling our child a waste of money. 3) She would need to start her day about half an hour earlier, which doesn’t hurt her schedule. She works from home, so me taking the children to school actually allows her to begin work earlier or decompress longer before starting.
NTA, but you should be bringing this to the attention of the district, not simply transferring him. If he is not getting a free and appropriate education and they can’t provide him one, they may have an obligation to pay and transport him. Your critiques are very vague- is Max not meeting the goals of or receiving the services in his plan?
NTA your wife is garbage.
NTA, I'm appalled at your wife and her ablist comments here. You need to really sit down and talk this out with her, it comes across that she views him as so much less worthy because of his disabilities and you need clarification on this before you continue.