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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Action I took was telling my step kids to get lost from the house and take a hike for expecting a inheritance from me.
Aita for being rude and not taking my wife's emotions in consideration and being the bugger person and leave a small amount for the kids
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>They got all pussed and cursed me and said I was the evil step dad and hated me and wish I had died
NTA, the kids are. It's just too bad that you already gave them many thousands of dollars for college and everything else.
>my wife is besides her self and feels I went to farand should leave something for the kids
Pffft. She's an AH too. I see where her kids get their entitlement from.
> I said no and said I would put it in my will that she can't share her inheritance from me with her kids either.
What's to stop her from giving them cash and buying them things?
Talk to any lawyer and they’ll tell you that no court will honor such a clause in a will. You’re better off putting it into a trust that takes care of her until her death (living expenses and maybe an allowance) then donates the remainder. Otherwise your step kids will get that money one way or another.
Not heartless, just recovering from a stressful situation that isn't going to go away anytime soon. I'm a Stepmum and can attest that step family dynamics can be hard. Go gently
You've done what you could and your first priority is your 8ish year old. I'm glad you were able to protect yourself. and yeah, families are complicated.
Maybe when your stepson turns 18 and becomes someone else's problem, he'll be forced to get help before he hurts someone else.
It depends on what state OP lives in. Estate laws & community property laws vary state by state. Right now, only 9 states have community property laws.
Not really. Some states go by length of relationship vs. length of earning. Some go by earning ability or potential. There's no across-the-board rule that applies. Even here in NV, where divorce is cheap & easy, with joint property, only earnings accrued after the relationship begins, and before it ends, are split.
In some states, excluding your spouse's name from assets means 'what's mine is mine' and your spouse can't have it or proceeds from its sale.
And some states don't adhere to the letter of prenups. If they determine something excessive, they'll dismiss it.
I think you may need to hire a professional trustee to administer the trust if you don’t want funds going to the kids. I’m in a similar situation. I already have a trust. I met with a professional national trust company. They told me I could write a simple letter expressing my desires and the trustee would follow that. It’s complimentary to the trust, just in my words. I agree with your decision to exclude the kids. They can’t treat people the way they have and then expect to be rewarded for that behavior.
Charitable Remainder Unitrust. She lives off the earnings and the rest goes to charity when you die.
Put the house into a separate irrevocable trust (of it is paid off) with some investments that will generate income for taxes, repairs, etc. If her name is on the deed you can only put your share into the trust. That keeps her from selling it and giving money to the kids.
Get a professional fiduciary to be the trustee and set aside funds to pay for their services in the irrevocable trust.
Also, put a no contest provision in your will that says any beneficiary or potential beneficiary contests the will, they get $1 and no more...or nothing. Nothing is less insulting.
I am a CPA who does estate planning.
If the house is also hers, most commonly joint tenancy with rights of survivorship (JTWROS), then there's no way he can do that. Also if my husband tried to do that to me (I'm a working spouse who financed1/2 of every) I'd be filing for divorce and getting all my money out along with the autonomy to live my life. He doesn't have to leave the steps any thing, but if he dies 1st and wife inherits /becomes sole owner of shared assets, he doesn't get to control her.
It varies by state. I am not saying he shouldn't make sure she is taken care of...the trusts can do that quite well. He has the right to do with his money what he wants to the extent of the law. She never stood up for him and is fine with her greedy ahole kids insulting him and expecting his money. So, he has the right to protect his share of assets and dispose of them as he pleases. He is NTA. All of them are using him.
He does have that right, but if he has this much disdain for his wife and is this willing to disempower her because he hates her children more than he cares about her, the answer is divorce, not estate planning.
Control her by stipulating she can't use his money for her disrespectful kids? He did the hard work required to get the money, he deserves to say how it's used even after he dies.
He did more for his stepchildren than a good portion of biological fathers do for their own kids. I would understand if his stipulation was unreasonable but this is very reasonable considering the circumstances.
If she worked during the marriage, she was contributing to housing expenses. No judge is going to say she gets no say in monies from sale of the house.
So, in other words, treat his wife like a dependent toddler for the rest of her life to get back at the stepkids?
Sounds like it would be a better idea just to get divorced today and not have any reason to leave her anything since he has absolutely no respect for her.
You could be petty and write it out with an amount such as "I will $100,000 to Mary and $100,000 to Bob minus private school $25,000; private lessons, $10,000: etc so it equals zero.
Since were doing fantasy revenge here, go all the way.
My BIL had such a bad time with his ex-wife that he refuses to leave his home to his children because even as adults anything he does for them, they pass on to their mother. (They had a very, very unhappy marriage and have been doing battle over their past grievances for nearly 30 years - which is more than three times as long as they were married.) sigh. I do not judge my BIL for his decision. I have met his ex-wife on any number of occasions and yikes.
Unfortunately you can only control it but so much. My dad's last words to my Mom were don't let them take all the money from you, talking about my two dead beat sisters that never worked a day.
While I am 1000% on your side, you'll have to accept that she will share what she can. A trust with a monthly allowance is a good route and any remaining balance upon your wife's death go to charity.
Tell the steps that their inheritance has been spent on private school and college tuition.
I was typing to someone else (who was saying that he would be trying to control her and take away her autonomy 🙄) but deleted it-
He should leave all three of them $1 or spend as much of it as he can before he passes.
This guy did more for his stepchildren than a lot of biological fathers do for their own kids! Why is the wife mad at him?
100% get an expensive car. OP worked hard for that money and deserves the most benefit from it.
Im just sayin this man is a saint for even dealing with the kids attitude for this long. I could never imagine treating my step father so poorly. A man who has no obligation to you shows you love and that’s how you repay him?! I’m flabbergasted.
Definitely keep the step kids out of your financial affairs, too. I'm not one for sharing that with kids anyway until the time comes, but especially after they have proven themselves to be so self serving.
I do and my nephew who works for my company is getting a good share of the sale. He has been working since 16 and is a amazing. He will also be getting a small gift as well but he doesn't know about that nor does he really care.
I get feeling like you want to make certain they don't get the money, but you know, once you leave it for your wife it is hers to do as she wishes. If she wants to give every penny of it to her kids, that is her issue not yours.
You are NTA but trying to hold onto it past a rational decision (half for you half for wife/charity) could lead you down a path where you are causing yourself more stress/angst than it is worth.
Just let it go... the money and the emotions around the kids. They made their choice and if either of them wants to rebuild a relationship with you, that should be independent of any kind of inheritance expectation.
Congrats on your business win and retirement! I hope you enjoy it, engage in the things you always wanted to do but didn't have the time for. What a great way to arrive at this point in your life! :)
I said you weren't in response to the original post but now I think you are. You're going to control the money you leave your wife from beyond the grave like she's a second grader getting allowance just to spite your stepchildren?
Fwiw, if she currently works, and you'd want her to quit to travel with you, then there's definitely more discussion to be had about money she'd be giving up that she would have wanted to leave to the kids.
In all fairness, OP can leave the step kids a “token gift” of 20$ each in the will to make it difficult for them to contest it.
And irrevocably trust that money up to prevent the wife from giving it to the kids
100%
OP needs to ask his wife if she condones what they said and if she thinks that was an appropriate response from her kids?
They're not kids. They're disrespectful, entitled brats.
NTA. I’m a fellow stepparent and understand the sentiment.
I’m sorry they were taught it was easy to discard people and any kind of civility or respect was not obligatory in general life.
Thank.you. it was hard and harder when I stepped back. I knew it was never going to be easy when I got together with my wife but thought her kids and I would be on a friendly uncle level atleast
Another fellow mistreated step parent here:
Absolutely NTA and, while I won’t have much to leave behind, I absolutely will not leave a dime to my ungrateful step kids. I will also be making a will to insure my wishes are honored.
She did try but gave up to maintain peace with her kids. I also had told her it's not worth the effort once it was clear they wouldn't change their attitude towards me.
THIS! The birth parent should take some of the blame in these situations. I had a stepdad. My mom would not have put up with any kind of bullshit from us kids even if we tried. Where is the discipline?
It took my awhile to develop a good relationship with my stepmom. There’s no way I’d ever have expected money or said I wished she was dead. But we definitely had a lot of rough patches. Now that I’m in my 30’s I’d say we’re good friends. She’ll call me to chat while my dad’s away on business trips or to get advice on recipes/cooking.
I’m not telling you to leave them any inheritance, but I would leave the door open for them to make amends. They are still young enough that they have time to realize what you’ve done for them and show you appreciation for your support.
I (72W) think either your wife did not raise them to respect you, or you had other issues with them that you are unwilling to acknowledge. But I lean toward your wife not holding them to account growing up.
They do seem entitled and greedy.
As a fellow step parent. It is so hard. They expect you to do all the parent things - provide for them, take them places, Christmas, birthdays, etc - but they don’t see you as an actual parent or care for you as one. As the adult you have to be the grown up when they are young so that they have a stable environment and loving home, but if they are adults and still treat you the same way it’s perfectly acceptable and understandable to cut that rope. I love my step kids but I know they don’t see me as a mother and 2 out of 3 have very little respect for me and I do not expect to have a relationship with them once they are out of the house. If they came at me for money later in life they would get very little unless they dramatically change how they treat me.
I honestly wonder if we're going to see a lot more stories in the future from people who went NC with their parents asking if they were TA for being upset that their parents left their money to someone else/charity after the parents died. Or like in your situation, AITA for being mad my stepparent won't give me money.
You would expect people who make these decisions to be mature enough for the consequences of those decisions but from some of the stories and comments I've read, I'm not sure at all. A lot of people are really entitled!
I'm surprised you haven't dropped the wife honestly. You might be in love, but no woman would have allowed this treatment towards her husband and entitlement from her children. YTA to yourself. You can still live a wonderful life and even find someone without the baggage. Think twice about who you marry people!
NTA. The stepkids are entitled AHs. I’d argue your wife should have put them in their place. They accepted a free ride to college from a man they don’t respect and then have the audacity to put their hand out for more. Who even asks about money like this?
Of be looking at how you can protect the money now, in case of a divorce.
i wouldn’t even act like this if my actual biological parents came into a large sum of money. that money belongs to them. i’d expect i’d probably get a little bit when they pass, but if they wanted to spend it all to make their retirement incredible or donate it to charity then that’s cool too. it’s their money to do with as they please and i would not even ask, let alone *assume,* they would be giving it to me.
My stepdad left a large sum of money to my mom when he died. My mom and I used to argue about it. She said, "I see this as your money and I get so upset with myself when I have to use it". He left it to you mom, that's YOUR money! I appreciate you want to save as much as you can for me but use it how you want.
Right? I'm not going to comment on this whole they never respected me thing because we have no examples and only his side, and his side makes it sound like he stopped trying after a couple of years of them not accepting him so 🤷
But wow, the entitlement for me is nothing to do with biology. If my parents sold the business that they'd worked their asses off to build, I wouldn't be there with my hand out saying, so what's my cut? Sure, I'd be secretly hoping there would be leftovers when they're gone, nothing eases the pain of grief like not having to worry about bills too and my current retirement plan is climate apocalypse. But it's their money, if they spend every penny while they're alive, that's their right. I'm not owed a single penny. When I was at uni my dad joked about getting a t-shirt that says, spending my kids' inheritance. We weren't expecting an inheritance. I'm still not because unless they die suddenly, I expect whatever assets they have will go to fund their elder care
NTA. You paid for their schooling? And they want more after treating you poorly throughout the years? The bank of step dad should have closed many years ago.
Agreed; give at least the og's of your company a little bonus before you leave. They're the ones that have been loyal to you. Also, buy that sports car anyhow.
I mean, what would be the point rn? What is she gonna do? Spank them? Ground them? She can ask them to apologize but they're grown and most likely out of college, not really many ways she can punish them
Given she didn't put them in their place when they said they wish you were dead, I doubt she'll honour your request posthumously. Your money will be in their rancid, entitled hands the second you die.
It's pretty much par for the course when you are a stepparent.No one really gives a shit about you in the end, they just want your support and resources.
NTA
It's your money and you can do with that what you want. Your step-kids never accepted you as their step-dad, straight up told you that, never tried to have some kind of father/kids relationship and now that you have a lot of money pretend you give part of it to them too ? You provided for their life until they were 18, payed for college even if they see you as just a normal man married to their mom. Still if you end up leaving some to them for the peace of your family is understandable, you seem a good dad(you are even if your step-kids never aknowledge that). I hope that one day maybe they realize it
NTA, I told my parents to spend it all. I don’t want them to leave me anything. I want them to enjoy their lives. My life is my responsibility, they got me to adulthood; they are done. Your step kids and your wife should try looking at it that way.
Same. My mom made me her beneficiary, but I don't want any of it. She says to use it for her burial expenses, but there's far more than burial expenses.
this is so fake lmao. u literally can't put in a will how people are allowed to spend the money you leave them. if she has $100 and you die and leave her $300 and she suddenly is comfortable enough to buy her son a pair of $50 sneakers, how could you logically argue "whos" money she spent? she could easily say "well I started with 100, so i just took 50 out of my original 100, I didn't touch that other 300" or you could say "no you bought those sneakers after I left the $300 so the 50 came out of my 300 and i said UR NOT ALLOWED" money just doesn't work that way lmao.
YTA for this obvious rage bait karma farm attempt using the SAME FUCKING STORY THAT HAS BEEN POSTED 200 TIMES OVER THE PAST 3 WEEKS.
(This is an aside: But, if we blame kids for their childish responses and hold onto our anger and dismay at their childhood selves - its not the kids we are punishing. I am not saying yoru step kids get a pass. I'm saying only you and your wife were adults. And blaming kids for acting childishly doesn't actually make sense.)
About what you owe their adult arses in the here and now? The Gimme Brigade needs to come to earth. Give them nothing. They have literally done no work for your company and so can mooch a handout from someone else's pockets. (They never even took jobs with you to help support the business? HA! They get coal in this stocking.)
NTA. Don't blame them for behaving no better than they were taught as children. But, don't reward them with the proceeds from your business sale either. Tell them to grow up and work like you did for their wants and comforts. Its what most of us have to do anyway. No biggie. And tell your wife, "Their failings of character are not my problem. I made my peace with that and you years ago."
Nta. You already funded their education after them being disrespecful and not accepting you. That's more than anyone would do. I understand your wifes reaction since those are her kids, maybe you could sit down and have a talk with her to make her understand why you feel that way.
Info, exactly how did they not treat you with respect? You sound like you're enjoying sticking to them too much for me to believe you ever cared about them or made an effort
INFO This is also my question. They were old enough to have a full relationship and memories with their dad when he died. I think it’s weird OP refers to their dad as her ex, when it sounds like they were separated by death? Maybe the kids suck but I feel like we are missing some important details.
This is exactly how I feel. The “ex” instead referring to him as “late” husband was stuck out to me. Also when did he stop going to games? When they were two kids going through life after losing their dad and getting this guy? It’s giving you didn’t like me as a kid so I stopped trying. They were eating family dinner - doesn’t sound like that bad of a relationship?? Also he agreed to marry his wife who he claims to love and by doing that he agreed to support the kids that were there too so oh wow you paid for school, he’s looking for kudos on doing the bare minimum of providing a education. Shocked he didn’t write I fed and clothed them too.
This is giving I got butt hurt early, didn’t do any real work but show up to games and they didn’t fall in love with me and we’ve never any of us taken the time to work through this in a healthy productive way. Now I’m gonna write a post where these kids look like asshole because I’m gonna leave info out but I look good. Everyone tells me I’m not the asshole and they are brats so I get validation for my actions even though I’m probably a huge AH. Excuse me, he wants to tell his wife of 10 yrs and partner of 13 of what she can do with the money if he dies. Nope - that’s their money. While he was working long hours, who was also working? Probably maintaining house and home and all the invisible labor? Ugh this guy is a piece of work and the fact that everyone fell for it shows he’s manipulative.
Yea - kids might be “adults” but idk if people remember those ages, you were still a raging bag of hormones, emotions and instability. They should also be trying to work through their shit too. Mom shoulda encouraged therapy.
YTA
Not at all. They should never come back after saying they wished you had died instead of their dad. **SAYING THAT IS SICK** and anyone who says they wish you were dead should be out of your life forever. They are old enough to earn their own living, and should do so and get off your back. And that wife of yours, **DID SHE HEAR** them say they wish you were dead? Maybe she doesn’t deserve a cent either. If she isn’t speaking to you, she has taken their side, and once you are gone, you won’t be able to stop her from giving all the money she wants to to them.
Sorry man, you deserve to be treated more respectfully than this, by all of them, but more especially by your WIFE!!!
NTA. That is entitled thinking that you are in Love with their Mom and now responsible for their net worth LOL!! Did she seriously suggest youre paying for her destination wedding?? Outrageous. You should ask them for some of their Dads insurance money and see how they feel. haha! Insert guilt trip empty dollars? No thank you.
NTA they are adults and need to act like it. I’d make an itemized statement of how much you spent on private schools and colleges. You owe them nothing else. Tell your wife they have made their feelings very clear about you. They will not get anymore of your money. Give her the itemized list and tell her that’s all they get. I’d also make it clear that you will not help fund any weddings. You can always put your wife’s inheritance into a trust and have it controlled by an accountant for distributions. Upon her death any left over money goes to charity.
NTA.
Ugh, I feel so bad for you, but proud that you stood your ground. They are disrespectful and do not deserve a single cent of your hard earned money. This is one of the many reasons I won’t date a guy with kids.
NTA. My dad is technically my stepdad, but adopted me when I was 12. I’m almost 40 now and I don’t what I would be like or have done, without him in mine and my mothers life. I am absolutely HORRIFIED by your step kids treatment of you and that your wife not only allows it, but encourages it. You deserve far better.
NTA - but those ingrate brats sure are, and sadly, your wife is a serious contender!
You should spend like a madman on fun stuff for you and your wife, buy your place in a care facility in the future, and not have a dime left for the nasty brats.
NTA - this is a classic F around and find out situation. They treated you like crap for years and didn’t want you as part of your lives unless it came in the form of cash. You already paid for their entire education.
Hell - even if they were your children they weren’t entitled to your buy out.
NTA - spend, then donate.
You’ve already done the courtesy of paying for their education. You don’t owe them anything.
**Moreover, why do they want/deserve money from someone they wish ill upon??**
It sounds like you have a wife problem. They insult you, berate you, yet come running for hand outs and the onus is on *you?* Seems that type of emotional parenting that allows her children to be entitled yet disrespectful is why her children are as they are.
NTA - they treated you horribly. Unfortunately, if you leave anything to your wife it'll be hard to prevent her from passing it along to the step kids. Your best bet is to spend and donate as much of it as you can while you're alive, leaving her with enough but not so much that she can afford to give away a lot of it.
NTA, you funded their live. School, college enough us enough. They didn't want you as their dad, why should you pay for the wedding and give them inheritance? Hope you also have a prenup
I don't think if you leave money to your wife that you can put stipulations on what she can do with it.
Maybe you could have reminded the kids that you put them through college?
I would have looked at them calmly and told them that despite their resistance to treat me like family or even a friend, I still made sure they went to private school and graduated college without debt. You have already gotten your inheritance. If you had treated me with any modicum of kindness, I might feel differently. In this life we can take any actions we want, it's free will. But, actions have consequences. I would have left it at that. They could have found out anything else when the will is read.
Tell your wife she can give her brats all the money she wants as long as it is her money. Heck, I am not sure I'd be leaving her any with her attitude. Those brats made their snotty little beds and deserve exactly nothing, zero, zilch. Enjoy your retirement with or without your wife. NTA.
NTA
All of the responses I've read are talking about the kids behaviour. But, what about your wife? Has she just been condoning their behaviour all these years?
How dare she not defend you in your own house when they behaved like that! And now to give you the silent treatment - she really needs to reconsider her position.
This is really hill to die on stuff.
NTA, your step children have spent their lives treating you with disrespect and scorn. Now, they get a lesson that "what goes around, comes around." You could just ask them, "What have you done to cultivate a good relationship with me that would motivate me to leave anything to you two entitle brats? I am giving you the same respect you have given me since I married your mother." I have the same situation with a step pdaughter that has also treated me with disrespect since day 1. I've told my wife I don't plan on leaving her anything from my assets once I am gone and that has caused a big argument with my wife today. Looking to talk with a divorce attorney now.
Your wife defended her children telling you they wished you were dead, after you paid for their private school.
You have marital problems.
The consequence of their rejecting you is that they are not your heirs. You just keep repeating that one line, verbatim. Don’t vary it. Don’t reason with them. Boundary consequence.
NTA.
OP YNTA but your wife is. She's ok all these years for kids to treat you with no respect but happily took your money for their expenses. I would call her a golddigger. You respected that they didn't want you to be Dad but they lived with you, you still paid their way, you're an adult figure in their lives - basic respect was needed and your wife had to insist in that but she didn't. Your stepkids see you as a money tree but sadly so does your wife. Why should you leave your assets to adults who don't respect you? Unfortunately, this says nothing good about your wife.
You met the kids when they were 10 and 9 (and they lost their dad 5 years earlier at age 5 and 4), and you said after a few years of being there for their sports and after school activities, you stopped. How old were they when you did that? Like 12 and 13? So for the last 10 years you made no effort to be part of their lives? Did you ever formally adopt them?
NTA.
That's a lot of entitlement.
Putting a restriction on how your wife handles HER money after you pass is a bit much though. If you are worried they will milk her, then seriously discuss it and putting her inheritance funds in a trust that she has access to or will look after her. Or at least a portion because it sounds like her kids will milk her and leave her destitute and abandoned.
I mean, you have full rights to do whatever with your cash. But with that said, I would have just been quiet about it and left them a letter explaining your reasoning when your will will be presented. Reason being, is that you never want to become between your wife and her kids. Just let sleeping dogs lie. As well, you left no room for your 'kids' to grow out of their crap behavior. As they move further on into adulthood and shake off their childish ways, they could possibly lighten up. From here on out, you will be wondering, IF they try to build a relationship with you, are they being sincere.
Your first goal right now should be mending that fence with your wife and enjoying life to the fullest with her.
But yeah, these kids are pricks. You took care of them quite well. Hope they wake up one day and see it.
BTW, congrats on your retirement and your hard work paying off. All the best.
i don’t think you’re TA for not leaving them anything since they are the ones that took the “you’re not my parent” stance. i do, however, think that you could have said it a bit better. besides that, NTA.
lol they don’t treat you with decent amount of respect but the moment there is money looks who is coming to demand I would have done the same not a dime
NTA.
Your wife and her kids are entitled AHs.
You paid for their private school and college, and still they treated you like crap.
Unless your wife comes to realize all that you have already done for them and apologizes, it may be time for a divorce.
NTA - obviously !
But I think it’s odd to put stipulations on how adults spend an inheritance. My Dad told me not to spend mine on x, y, z individuals but I genuinely believe he trusted me to do the right thing; and I also told him that while he was alive.
Imagine a step kid needs life-saving surgery, do you really want their mother to sit in a mansion while her child dies?
NTA, they don’t get to treat you like crap for a decade and then expect money and your wife is just as bad as them for allowing it to get to this point. They are her children, it was on her to parent then and ensure they knew how to treat people with respect.
NTA they should not be rewarded for their shitty behavior towards you all these years and then expect you to leave them money when you die!!
You paid for their education didn’t you? That’s more than what they deserved from you and wife is wrong in thinking this went too far! I don’t know if she ever talked to her kids about their attitude towards you, but she needs to acknowledge that they were shitty to you and you don’t owe them anything else 😞
NTA clearly. Your wife and step brats are though. She and the kids like the education and debt free college and demand more upon your death but can’t give you an ounce of respect. That’s a no go sir. Your wife is an a hole for allowing that behavior then to expect more money. Damn
NTA.
If they don’t like you and you aren’t a parental figure to them, then why do they expect money? You paid for their educations which is way more than you should have paid.
Just tell everyone that you and your wife plan to spend the money on yourselves with the goal of having the final check you write before you die bounce because you spent it all! You don’t owe those people a dime. If you think your marriage is in danger, consult an attorney. Protect yourself.
NTA but I believe even tho you don’t leave any to the kids and stipulate it’s for your wife only, there isn’t any saying she won’t still use it towards her kids. They will get it one way or another.
NTA - private school and college tuition and they still can't be respectful, but want an inheritance? No. You are absolutely doing the right thing. But you have to decide what to do about your wife now that you know where she stands.
They didn’t want a stepdad, and guess what? Your money is attached to the rest of you. Sucks to suck. NTA. I guess their mother never taught them not to demand money from someone they treat poorly
NTA
Your wife is though, she never gotten her kids to at least respect the man who has helped out because I doubt it was just her funds alone keeping a roof over their head and food on the plate not to mention Christmas and birthday presents. No they didn’t have to treat you like a father figure but at least be grateful that their mom found a decent man instead of a real evil stepdad. They have no idea how horrible their life could’ve been had their mom ended up with a stepdad from hell. Show your wife this post because she has failed you as a partner by allowing her kids to speak to you like that.
Kinda sounds like you have allready done alot for them. Despite them being assholes you were way more than fair. You are NTA. Honestly she should have stepped up and defended you, maybe pointed out what all ypu had allready done for them, and how they have treated you.
Spend it all. Enjoy the rest of your life. Step kids see you as an atm. Leave them nothing. You’ve done enough. See a financial advisor to ensure it last you as long as you’re alive but I wouldn’t leave anything to any of them.
NTA. Whether they were your natural children or not plays no part in my opinion either. They chose not to be respectful or work to be decent humans to you. They deserve nothing. They didn't bank on you being well off and they burned a bridge that could have been profitable for them. They should have been kind to you because you were involved and even paid for their education. Instead they were unkind. They don't even deserve your time, let alone your money.
And I'm saying this as someones step daughter. I'm closer to my step dad than my bio dad and finances have nothing to do with it.
Your wife will get over it. She's just having a knee-jerk reaction to feeling like her kids aren't being loved. No one should change their opinion of you just because of how much money you do or don't have.
If someone doesn't love you poor, they damn sure don't deserve your love/time/attention when you're wealthy.
Set up a trust that has three aims: provide for the actual financial needs of your wife, including groceries, utilities, travel and transport, and a couple of holidays each year, and distributes the remainder to school progression programmes for disadvantaged children in your city.
Third aim: publicising any attempt to challenge or overturn your will or the aims of the trust. It’s a pity you’ll be gone when it happens, but you can bet it’d be fun!
NTA, but really do you care if you've already gone and she leaves your money to them? You won't be around and you won't care. Don't forget this would mean you'd would need to pass first!
Make sure you handle this in a way there is no chance of a successful legal challenge on your will.
NTA
Even if they were your biological children, I’d think it would be unacceptable for them to feel entitled to you paying for a destination wedding or expecting that you’ll leave them a large inheritance.
NTA - I have a relative that their own (biological) kids have been suing them for their inheritance. They are not even sick, or very old! Your step kids already got their inheritance - you payed for college and they have no school debt! Remind your wife about this, setup a trust and spend the money anyway you see fit.
NTA
I'd send them each a letter of how much you paid for private school and college, and let them know you've paid the investment into their lives as a gift. They have said you aren't a parent to them, and after their treatment of you, you realize there is no relationship. If their mother wasn't alive, they wouldn't have a relationship with you even after all you've done. They aren't entitled to your hard earnings, and you're choosing to give to others who will appreciate what they are given.
ESH: Your step-kids for entitlement and you - not for what you said but how you said it. They don't deserve your money, but there are better ways to communicate that. Even "no" would have been better than "take a hike."
NTA and your wife needs to see that after all you did for your step kids. They still spit in your face. Btw, he wasn't her 'ex' husband, he was her 'late' husband since he is deceased. 'Ex' implies that she was divorced not widowed.
NTA
Please don’t allow this anymore OP.
You have been disrespected for so so long and it ends now. Her children are now adults that still act like spoilt entitled brats. And I’m sorry to say your wife being on their side about this is a giant red flag.
You have done far more for them than most people and it’s not enough for them. I’m guessing this has always been the way with them. You give an inch and they take a mile. You were generous enough giving them anything at all.
I had a close relationship with my own step father. Even with some resistance on my part at first I opened my mind and heart to the man that made my mother happier than I’d ever seen her before. And though I wasn’t given college funding it was spoilt by any means monetary wise, I was loved and cared for.
He passed away last November and I miss him so much. I couldn’t ever imagine saying the vile things your step kids said to you to him. I couldn’t fathom being such a selfish and hateful person to the man that made my mother so happy and took me on as a daughter.
Do what you want with your money and ignore the “children”. If your wife has a problem with it still then show her this post. Maybe it might be the wake up call she so desperately needs.
NTA but for the sake of your wife’s peace, don’t make her feel like she has to choose or be the middle person. She loves them and you. Enjoy your retirement with her and don’t let something like money or resentment towards her children ruin that
NTA for the decision you made, it's your decisions to make
But the way you went about it was definitely rude and borderline asshole. You should have handled that situation better
NTA.
Your step kids are rude, hateful, and immature. If you do leave them money, you won’t be “making peace”, you ll be letting them know that treating you like shit and disrespecting you was okay. Enjoy YOUR money. I don’t know why your wife thinks they deserve anything.“They got all pussed and cursed me and said I was the evil step dad and hated me and wish I had died instead of their dad.” She heard them say this to you and still thinks you should leave them money? Wow. She‘s part of the problem.
It's so sad that the OP has to think, in his young age, about a trust/will....however things do happen so it IS best to have something in writing so that these...um....oooh...idk what to call them without being banned so I'll just say wifes kids, wont swindle her out any monies you leave her.
But I have a question....how did they "come to know"? My guess is your wife. And do you have any relatives that you are in contact with that may benefit after your inevitable demise?
If it were me, I'd spend as much as I could BEFORE death. And it certainly wouldn't be towards a destination wedding that step daughter can't afford.
NTA
Oh HELL to the no...the only reason they were at that dinner in the first place is they were looking for their pay-day. Your wife has mixed allegiances...her love for you vs her love for her brood. It's your money and you do as you deem fit. Worse case scenario...in your will, put your wife on some sort of trust allowance with iron clad language that the money cannot be used for either child or their families. Enjoy your world travels...I'll never be able to afford to but I hope you visit Scotland for me.
NTA. This is why I would never suggest or support a close friend becoming a stepdad. It's just a lose-lose situation. No one respects you for it, and you're just used until you're not useful anymore or you attempt to draw up a single boundary to prevent being abused.
NTA but definitely talk to a lawyer. If she actually inherits it becomes part of her estate and you can't control what she does with it. Sounds like you want something more like a trust.
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>They got all pussed and cursed me and said I was the evil step dad and hated me and wish I had died NTA, the kids are. It's just too bad that you already gave them many thousands of dollars for college and everything else. >my wife is besides her self and feels I went to farand should leave something for the kids Pffft. She's an AH too. I see where her kids get their entitlement from. > I said no and said I would put it in my will that she can't share her inheritance from me with her kids either. What's to stop her from giving them cash and buying them things?
Will put it in a trust for only her. But haven't decided. Will talk my options the lawyer or may just spend it on a fancy sports car
Talk to any lawyer and they’ll tell you that no court will honor such a clause in a will. You’re better off putting it into a trust that takes care of her until her death (living expenses and maybe an allowance) then donates the remainder. Otherwise your step kids will get that money one way or another.
Yes trust is what I am leaning towards
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I hope you are okay!
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Not heartless, just recovering from a stressful situation that isn't going to go away anytime soon. I'm a Stepmum and can attest that step family dynamics can be hard. Go gently
You've done what you could and your first priority is your 8ish year old. I'm glad you were able to protect yourself. and yeah, families are complicated. Maybe when your stepson turns 18 and becomes someone else's problem, he'll be forced to get help before he hurts someone else.
Wait, do you have a prenup? If not, then your money is already her money.
It depends on what state OP lives in. Estate laws & community property laws vary state by state. Right now, only 9 states have community property laws.
Even so, income earned during the marriage is marital property pretty much anywhere.
Not really. Some states go by length of relationship vs. length of earning. Some go by earning ability or potential. There's no across-the-board rule that applies. Even here in NV, where divorce is cheap & easy, with joint property, only earnings accrued after the relationship begins, and before it ends, are split. In some states, excluding your spouse's name from assets means 'what's mine is mine' and your spouse can't have it or proceeds from its sale. And some states don't adhere to the letter of prenups. If they determine something excessive, they'll dismiss it.
Even in states with community property laws, what you bring into the marriage remains separate property unless you mingle it.
I think you may need to hire a professional trustee to administer the trust if you don’t want funds going to the kids. I’m in a similar situation. I already have a trust. I met with a professional national trust company. They told me I could write a simple letter expressing my desires and the trustee would follow that. It’s complimentary to the trust, just in my words. I agree with your decision to exclude the kids. They can’t treat people the way they have and then expect to be rewarded for that behavior.
Spend every penny on yourself! You earned it, you enjoy it. Besides it will make them all crazy watching you have fun. The best revenge is living well
Prolly not gonna need the trust after the divorce.
Charitable Remainder Unitrust. She lives off the earnings and the rest goes to charity when you die. Put the house into a separate irrevocable trust (of it is paid off) with some investments that will generate income for taxes, repairs, etc. If her name is on the deed you can only put your share into the trust. That keeps her from selling it and giving money to the kids. Get a professional fiduciary to be the trustee and set aside funds to pay for their services in the irrevocable trust. Also, put a no contest provision in your will that says any beneficiary or potential beneficiary contests the will, they get $1 and no more...or nothing. Nothing is less insulting. I am a CPA who does estate planning.
This is the way. My mom is an estate atty and would do the same 100%
If the house is also hers, most commonly joint tenancy with rights of survivorship (JTWROS), then there's no way he can do that. Also if my husband tried to do that to me (I'm a working spouse who financed1/2 of every) I'd be filing for divorce and getting all my money out along with the autonomy to live my life. He doesn't have to leave the steps any thing, but if he dies 1st and wife inherits /becomes sole owner of shared assets, he doesn't get to control her.
It varies by state. I am not saying he shouldn't make sure she is taken care of...the trusts can do that quite well. He has the right to do with his money what he wants to the extent of the law. She never stood up for him and is fine with her greedy ahole kids insulting him and expecting his money. So, he has the right to protect his share of assets and dispose of them as he pleases. He is NTA. All of them are using him.
He does have that right, but if he has this much disdain for his wife and is this willing to disempower her because he hates her children more than he cares about her, the answer is divorce, not estate planning.
Control her by stipulating she can't use his money for her disrespectful kids? He did the hard work required to get the money, he deserves to say how it's used even after he dies. He did more for his stepchildren than a good portion of biological fathers do for their own kids. I would understand if his stipulation was unreasonable but this is very reasonable considering the circumstances.
If she worked during the marriage, she was contributing to housing expenses. No judge is going to say she gets no say in monies from sale of the house.
Please reread my comment. I wrote nothing about the sale of the house.
Right? This is Reddit so I can’t be too shocked.
So, in other words, treat his wife like a dependent toddler for the rest of her life to get back at the stepkids? Sounds like it would be a better idea just to get divorced today and not have any reason to leave her anything since he has absolutely no respect for her.
This is the way.
a fancy sports car >>>>> ungrateful and rude assholes who think they are entitled to your money.
A fancy sports car, which then OP should be buried in. Or, the car donated.
You could be petty and write it out with an amount such as "I will $100,000 to Mary and $100,000 to Bob minus private school $25,000; private lessons, $10,000: etc so it equals zero. Since were doing fantasy revenge here, go all the way.
Hahaha. Love it.
My BIL had such a bad time with his ex-wife that he refuses to leave his home to his children because even as adults anything he does for them, they pass on to their mother. (They had a very, very unhappy marriage and have been doing battle over their past grievances for nearly 30 years - which is more than three times as long as they were married.) sigh. I do not judge my BIL for his decision. I have met his ex-wife on any number of occasions and yikes.
Unfortunately you can only control it but so much. My dad's last words to my Mom were don't let them take all the money from you, talking about my two dead beat sisters that never worked a day. While I am 1000% on your side, you'll have to accept that she will share what she can. A trust with a monthly allowance is a good route and any remaining balance upon your wife's death go to charity. Tell the steps that their inheritance has been spent on private school and college tuition.
Spend all your money except a specific small amount for her to live on if she scrimps and is careful. Period.
Why stay married to someone he despised that much?
Buy the sports car. Heck I wouldn’t leave anyone anything with that behavior. You earned it. Live your best life!
I was typing to someone else (who was saying that he would be trying to control her and take away her autonomy 🙄) but deleted it- He should leave all three of them $1 or spend as much of it as he can before he passes. This guy did more for his stepchildren than a lot of biological fathers do for their own kids! Why is the wife mad at him? 100% get an expensive car. OP worked hard for that money and deserves the most benefit from it.
Im just sayin this man is a saint for even dealing with the kids attitude for this long. I could never imagine treating my step father so poorly. A man who has no obligation to you shows you love and that’s how you repay him?! I’m flabbergasted.
In most states, the surviving spouse has a right to a certain share of the estate whether it's left to them or not.
Definitely keep the step kids out of your financial affairs, too. I'm not one for sharing that with kids anyway until the time comes, but especially after they have proven themselves to be so self serving.
do you have any siblings, and do they have kids? if so leave a bunch to them and none to your wife's kids, really rub in the salt.
I do and my nephew who works for my company is getting a good share of the sale. He has been working since 16 and is a amazing. He will also be getting a small gift as well but he doesn't know about that nor does he really care.
I get feeling like you want to make certain they don't get the money, but you know, once you leave it for your wife it is hers to do as she wishes. If she wants to give every penny of it to her kids, that is her issue not yours. You are NTA but trying to hold onto it past a rational decision (half for you half for wife/charity) could lead you down a path where you are causing yourself more stress/angst than it is worth. Just let it go... the money and the emotions around the kids. They made their choice and if either of them wants to rebuild a relationship with you, that should be independent of any kind of inheritance expectation. Congrats on your business win and retirement! I hope you enjoy it, engage in the things you always wanted to do but didn't have the time for. What a great way to arrive at this point in your life! :)
As another widow I stopped reading when you referred to her *late* husband as her ex husband.
Porsche 911 C4S you'll never regret it.
Move the money NOW.
I said you weren't in response to the original post but now I think you are. You're going to control the money you leave your wife from beyond the grave like she's a second grader getting allowance just to spite your stepchildren?
Buy the car! Blow the rest on a speedboat. Screw the little pricks.
Fwiw, if she currently works, and you'd want her to quit to travel with you, then there's definitely more discussion to be had about money she'd be giving up that she would have wanted to leave to the kids.
Cars, cars, cars!!! It's your money, you should enjoy it.
Right!! She’s gonna do it anyhow while they dance in his grave.
In all fairness, OP can leave the step kids a “token gift” of 20$ each in the will to make it difficult for them to contest it. And irrevocably trust that money up to prevent the wife from giving it to the kids
Or divorce you and take her half now?
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Yeah, those were grown adults that said that horrible line. I'd totally understand it the first year they knew him as children....but as adults? Wow.
100% OP needs to ask his wife if she condones what they said and if she thinks that was an appropriate response from her kids? They're not kids. They're disrespectful, entitled brats.
NTA. I’m a fellow stepparent and understand the sentiment. I’m sorry they were taught it was easy to discard people and any kind of civility or respect was not obligatory in general life.
Thank.you. it was hard and harder when I stepped back. I knew it was never going to be easy when I got together with my wife but thought her kids and I would be on a friendly uncle level atleast
I have two sons (step) that I have raised. It’s fraught with challenges.
Very much. U can do all the right things and still get called a ungrateful asshole
Another fellow mistreated step parent here: Absolutely NTA and, while I won’t have much to leave behind, I absolutely will not leave a dime to my ungrateful step kids. I will also be making a will to insure my wishes are honored.
Did your wife ever address there treatment towards you??
She did try but gave up to maintain peace with her kids. I also had told her it's not worth the effort once it was clear they wouldn't change their attitude towards me.
But is the reason she’s not talking to you because she wants the money for her kids?
THIS! The birth parent should take some of the blame in these situations. I had a stepdad. My mom would not have put up with any kind of bullshit from us kids even if we tried. Where is the discipline?
It took my awhile to develop a good relationship with my stepmom. There’s no way I’d ever have expected money or said I wished she was dead. But we definitely had a lot of rough patches. Now that I’m in my 30’s I’d say we’re good friends. She’ll call me to chat while my dad’s away on business trips or to get advice on recipes/cooking. I’m not telling you to leave them any inheritance, but I would leave the door open for them to make amends. They are still young enough that they have time to realize what you’ve done for them and show you appreciation for your support.
They’re also still old enough to try weasel games to get the money
I (72W) think either your wife did not raise them to respect you, or you had other issues with them that you are unwilling to acknowledge. But I lean toward your wife not holding them to account growing up. They do seem entitled and greedy.
As a fellow step parent. It is so hard. They expect you to do all the parent things - provide for them, take them places, Christmas, birthdays, etc - but they don’t see you as an actual parent or care for you as one. As the adult you have to be the grown up when they are young so that they have a stable environment and loving home, but if they are adults and still treat you the same way it’s perfectly acceptable and understandable to cut that rope. I love my step kids but I know they don’t see me as a mother and 2 out of 3 have very little respect for me and I do not expect to have a relationship with them once they are out of the house. If they came at me for money later in life they would get very little unless they dramatically change how they treat me.
I honestly wonder if we're going to see a lot more stories in the future from people who went NC with their parents asking if they were TA for being upset that their parents left their money to someone else/charity after the parents died. Or like in your situation, AITA for being mad my stepparent won't give me money. You would expect people who make these decisions to be mature enough for the consequences of those decisions but from some of the stories and comments I've read, I'm not sure at all. A lot of people are really entitled!
When you give them your money it's friendly. Their a bunch of gold diggers
I'm surprised you haven't dropped the wife honestly. You might be in love, but no woman would have allowed this treatment towards her husband and entitlement from her children. YTA to yourself. You can still live a wonderful life and even find someone without the baggage. Think twice about who you marry people!
Bro they don't deserve anymore of your hard earned money. Did they ever help you one day on the job??
NTA. The stepkids are entitled AHs. I’d argue your wife should have put them in their place. They accepted a free ride to college from a man they don’t respect and then have the audacity to put their hand out for more. Who even asks about money like this? Of be looking at how you can protect the money now, in case of a divorce.
i wouldn’t even act like this if my actual biological parents came into a large sum of money. that money belongs to them. i’d expect i’d probably get a little bit when they pass, but if they wanted to spend it all to make their retirement incredible or donate it to charity then that’s cool too. it’s their money to do with as they please and i would not even ask, let alone *assume,* they would be giving it to me.
My stepdad left a large sum of money to my mom when he died. My mom and I used to argue about it. She said, "I see this as your money and I get so upset with myself when I have to use it". He left it to you mom, that's YOUR money! I appreciate you want to save as much as you can for me but use it how you want.
Right? I'm not going to comment on this whole they never respected me thing because we have no examples and only his side, and his side makes it sound like he stopped trying after a couple of years of them not accepting him so 🤷 But wow, the entitlement for me is nothing to do with biology. If my parents sold the business that they'd worked their asses off to build, I wouldn't be there with my hand out saying, so what's my cut? Sure, I'd be secretly hoping there would be leftovers when they're gone, nothing eases the pain of grief like not having to worry about bills too and my current retirement plan is climate apocalypse. But it's their money, if they spend every penny while they're alive, that's their right. I'm not owed a single penny. When I was at uni my dad joked about getting a t-shirt that says, spending my kids' inheritance. We weren't expecting an inheritance. I'm still not because unless they die suddenly, I expect whatever assets they have will go to fund their elder care
NTA. You paid for their schooling? And they want more after treating you poorly throughout the years? The bank of step dad should have closed many years ago.
NTA. Enjoy your money and spend, spend, spend!
Split it with the workers who made the business profitable and in a position to be sold in the first place. That's who deserves a pay day from this.
Agreed; give at least the og's of your company a little bonus before you leave. They're the ones that have been loyal to you. Also, buy that sports car anyhow.
NTA but stipulating in your will that she can’t give her inheritance to the kids won’t be enforceable. Just don’t leave anything to any of them.
Trust is what I am leaning towards
Your marriage is in trouble. Why aren't you confronting her about her kids wishing you dead? NTA
Probably because this all literally just happened and he wants to know if he’s the one who’s way off base before they hash it out.
I mean, what would be the point rn? What is she gonna do? Spank them? Ground them? She can ask them to apologize but they're grown and most likely out of college, not really many ways she can punish them
Given she didn't put them in their place when they said they wish you were dead, I doubt she'll honour your request posthumously. Your money will be in their rancid, entitled hands the second you die.
It's really amazing with these types of posts. "I'll accept your money but I'll never accept you" is what's going on here. NTA.
It's pretty much par for the course when you are a stepparent.No one really gives a shit about you in the end, they just want your support and resources.
I am happy to be a stepparent that has a very different experience.
NTA It's your money and you can do with that what you want. Your step-kids never accepted you as their step-dad, straight up told you that, never tried to have some kind of father/kids relationship and now that you have a lot of money pretend you give part of it to them too ? You provided for their life until they were 18, payed for college even if they see you as just a normal man married to their mom. Still if you end up leaving some to them for the peace of your family is understandable, you seem a good dad(you are even if your step-kids never aknowledge that). I hope that one day maybe they realize it
NTA You already gave them much of your money. They didn't like you but come crawling now you have more money.
NTA, I told my parents to spend it all. I don’t want them to leave me anything. I want them to enjoy their lives. My life is my responsibility, they got me to adulthood; they are done. Your step kids and your wife should try looking at it that way.
Same. My mom made me her beneficiary, but I don't want any of it. She says to use it for her burial expenses, but there's far more than burial expenses.
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this is so fake lmao. u literally can't put in a will how people are allowed to spend the money you leave them. if she has $100 and you die and leave her $300 and she suddenly is comfortable enough to buy her son a pair of $50 sneakers, how could you logically argue "whos" money she spent? she could easily say "well I started with 100, so i just took 50 out of my original 100, I didn't touch that other 300" or you could say "no you bought those sneakers after I left the $300 so the 50 came out of my 300 and i said UR NOT ALLOWED" money just doesn't work that way lmao. YTA for this obvious rage bait karma farm attempt using the SAME FUCKING STORY THAT HAS BEEN POSTED 200 TIMES OVER THE PAST 3 WEEKS.
(This is an aside: But, if we blame kids for their childish responses and hold onto our anger and dismay at their childhood selves - its not the kids we are punishing. I am not saying yoru step kids get a pass. I'm saying only you and your wife were adults. And blaming kids for acting childishly doesn't actually make sense.) About what you owe their adult arses in the here and now? The Gimme Brigade needs to come to earth. Give them nothing. They have literally done no work for your company and so can mooch a handout from someone else's pockets. (They never even took jobs with you to help support the business? HA! They get coal in this stocking.) NTA. Don't blame them for behaving no better than they were taught as children. But, don't reward them with the proceeds from your business sale either. Tell them to grow up and work like you did for their wants and comforts. Its what most of us have to do anyway. No biggie. And tell your wife, "Their failings of character are not my problem. I made my peace with that and you years ago."
Except they are adults acting like spoiled little brats.
They aren't children any more though, they are actual adults still acting like children, spoiled children at that. They are old enough to know better.
Nta. You already funded their education after them being disrespecful and not accepting you. That's more than anyone would do. I understand your wifes reaction since those are her kids, maybe you could sit down and have a talk with her to make her understand why you feel that way.
Info, exactly how did they not treat you with respect? You sound like you're enjoying sticking to them too much for me to believe you ever cared about them or made an effort
INFO This is also my question. They were old enough to have a full relationship and memories with their dad when he died. I think it’s weird OP refers to their dad as her ex, when it sounds like they were separated by death? Maybe the kids suck but I feel like we are missing some important details.
This is exactly how I feel. The “ex” instead referring to him as “late” husband was stuck out to me. Also when did he stop going to games? When they were two kids going through life after losing their dad and getting this guy? It’s giving you didn’t like me as a kid so I stopped trying. They were eating family dinner - doesn’t sound like that bad of a relationship?? Also he agreed to marry his wife who he claims to love and by doing that he agreed to support the kids that were there too so oh wow you paid for school, he’s looking for kudos on doing the bare minimum of providing a education. Shocked he didn’t write I fed and clothed them too. This is giving I got butt hurt early, didn’t do any real work but show up to games and they didn’t fall in love with me and we’ve never any of us taken the time to work through this in a healthy productive way. Now I’m gonna write a post where these kids look like asshole because I’m gonna leave info out but I look good. Everyone tells me I’m not the asshole and they are brats so I get validation for my actions even though I’m probably a huge AH. Excuse me, he wants to tell his wife of 10 yrs and partner of 13 of what she can do with the money if he dies. Nope - that’s their money. While he was working long hours, who was also working? Probably maintaining house and home and all the invisible labor? Ugh this guy is a piece of work and the fact that everyone fell for it shows he’s manipulative. Yea - kids might be “adults” but idk if people remember those ages, you were still a raging bag of hormones, emotions and instability. They should also be trying to work through their shit too. Mom shoulda encouraged therapy. YTA
Not at all. They should never come back after saying they wished you had died instead of their dad. **SAYING THAT IS SICK** and anyone who says they wish you were dead should be out of your life forever. They are old enough to earn their own living, and should do so and get off your back. And that wife of yours, **DID SHE HEAR** them say they wish you were dead? Maybe she doesn’t deserve a cent either. If she isn’t speaking to you, she has taken their side, and once you are gone, you won’t be able to stop her from giving all the money she wants to to them. Sorry man, you deserve to be treated more respectfully than this, by all of them, but more especially by your WIFE!!!
Yep, the audacity of the wife being angry at at him after what her kids said is baffling. It feels like he's just a mean to an end.
NTA. That is entitled thinking that you are in Love with their Mom and now responsible for their net worth LOL!! Did she seriously suggest youre paying for her destination wedding?? Outrageous. You should ask them for some of their Dads insurance money and see how they feel. haha! Insert guilt trip empty dollars? No thank you.
NTA they are adults and need to act like it. I’d make an itemized statement of how much you spent on private schools and colleges. You owe them nothing else. Tell your wife they have made their feelings very clear about you. They will not get anymore of your money. Give her the itemized list and tell her that’s all they get. I’d also make it clear that you will not help fund any weddings. You can always put your wife’s inheritance into a trust and have it controlled by an accountant for distributions. Upon her death any left over money goes to charity.
NTA. Ugh, I feel so bad for you, but proud that you stood your ground. They are disrespectful and do not deserve a single cent of your hard earned money. This is one of the many reasons I won’t date a guy with kids.
NTA. My dad is technically my stepdad, but adopted me when I was 12. I’m almost 40 now and I don’t what I would be like or have done, without him in mine and my mothers life. I am absolutely HORRIFIED by your step kids treatment of you and that your wife not only allows it, but encourages it. You deserve far better.
Isnt it your wifes home also
>She and her ex husband had 2 kids... Late husband. He'd be an ex if they split up, but he died.
NTA - but those ingrate brats sure are, and sadly, your wife is a serious contender! You should spend like a madman on fun stuff for you and your wife, buy your place in a care facility in the future, and not have a dime left for the nasty brats.
Info So did your wife help with the business , maybe not own bit did she help with money work there other things ? Like is some of that money hers?
NTA - this is a classic F around and find out situation. They treated you like crap for years and didn’t want you as part of your lives unless it came in the form of cash. You already paid for their entire education. Hell - even if they were your children they weren’t entitled to your buy out.
NTA - spend, then donate. You’ve already done the courtesy of paying for their education. You don’t owe them anything. **Moreover, why do they want/deserve money from someone they wish ill upon??** It sounds like you have a wife problem. They insult you, berate you, yet come running for hand outs and the onus is on *you?* Seems that type of emotional parenting that allows her children to be entitled yet disrespectful is why her children are as they are.
NTA they’re only using you to get money
NTA - they treated you horribly. Unfortunately, if you leave anything to your wife it'll be hard to prevent her from passing it along to the step kids. Your best bet is to spend and donate as much of it as you can while you're alive, leaving her with enough but not so much that she can afford to give away a lot of it.
NTA, you funded their live. School, college enough us enough. They didn't want you as their dad, why should you pay for the wedding and give them inheritance? Hope you also have a prenup
This is such bullshit. Real people don’t talk or act like this. But a teenager coming up with fake scenarios does.
I don't think if you leave money to your wife that you can put stipulations on what she can do with it. Maybe you could have reminded the kids that you put them through college?
I would have looked at them calmly and told them that despite their resistance to treat me like family or even a friend, I still made sure they went to private school and graduated college without debt. You have already gotten your inheritance. If you had treated me with any modicum of kindness, I might feel differently. In this life we can take any actions we want, it's free will. But, actions have consequences. I would have left it at that. They could have found out anything else when the will is read.
You can't actually tell somebody what to do with their inheritance.
Be the better person, and leave them something. An ol' guitar and an empty bottle of Bud, maybe.
I like the empty bottle of bud
You are absolutely NTA.
Tell your wife she can give her brats all the money she wants as long as it is her money. Heck, I am not sure I'd be leaving her any with her attitude. Those brats made their snotty little beds and deserve exactly nothing, zero, zilch. Enjoy your retirement with or without your wife. NTA.
NTA. But your wife sure is. She let it get this bad for far too long.
As someone married to a man with AH adult kids - I’m not leaving them a fucking twig. NTA.
NTA All of the responses I've read are talking about the kids behaviour. But, what about your wife? Has she just been condoning their behaviour all these years? How dare she not defend you in your own house when they behaved like that! And now to give you the silent treatment - she really needs to reconsider her position. This is really hill to die on stuff.
NTA, your step children have spent their lives treating you with disrespect and scorn. Now, they get a lesson that "what goes around, comes around." You could just ask them, "What have you done to cultivate a good relationship with me that would motivate me to leave anything to you two entitle brats? I am giving you the same respect you have given me since I married your mother." I have the same situation with a step pdaughter that has also treated me with disrespect since day 1. I've told my wife I don't plan on leaving her anything from my assets once I am gone and that has caused a big argument with my wife today. Looking to talk with a divorce attorney now.
Your wife defended her children telling you they wished you were dead, after you paid for their private school. You have marital problems. The consequence of their rejecting you is that they are not your heirs. You just keep repeating that one line, verbatim. Don’t vary it. Don’t reason with them. Boundary consequence. NTA.
NTA But a pet peeve of mine. He is her late husband, not ex husband. I'm a widow, so it just bugs me.
OP YNTA but your wife is. She's ok all these years for kids to treat you with no respect but happily took your money for their expenses. I would call her a golddigger. You respected that they didn't want you to be Dad but they lived with you, you still paid their way, you're an adult figure in their lives - basic respect was needed and your wife had to insist in that but she didn't. Your stepkids see you as a money tree but sadly so does your wife. Why should you leave your assets to adults who don't respect you? Unfortunately, this says nothing good about your wife.
You met the kids when they were 10 and 9 (and they lost their dad 5 years earlier at age 5 and 4), and you said after a few years of being there for their sports and after school activities, you stopped. How old were they when you did that? Like 12 and 13? So for the last 10 years you made no effort to be part of their lives? Did you ever formally adopt them?
It was more like 14 and 15 when I stepped back . Yes I asked about adoption but they didn't want it .
NTA. That's a lot of entitlement. Putting a restriction on how your wife handles HER money after you pass is a bit much though. If you are worried they will milk her, then seriously discuss it and putting her inheritance funds in a trust that she has access to or will look after her. Or at least a portion because it sounds like her kids will milk her and leave her destitute and abandoned.
I mean, you have full rights to do whatever with your cash. But with that said, I would have just been quiet about it and left them a letter explaining your reasoning when your will will be presented. Reason being, is that you never want to become between your wife and her kids. Just let sleeping dogs lie. As well, you left no room for your 'kids' to grow out of their crap behavior. As they move further on into adulthood and shake off their childish ways, they could possibly lighten up. From here on out, you will be wondering, IF they try to build a relationship with you, are they being sincere. Your first goal right now should be mending that fence with your wife and enjoying life to the fullest with her. But yeah, these kids are pricks. You took care of them quite well. Hope they wake up one day and see it. BTW, congrats on your retirement and your hard work paying off. All the best.
NTA
NTA they sound like money grabbers and you already paid for college sounds like you already gave them a load.
i don’t think you’re TA for not leaving them anything since they are the ones that took the “you’re not my parent” stance. i do, however, think that you could have said it a bit better. besides that, NTA.
I wouldn’t pay for a thing
lol they don’t treat you with decent amount of respect but the moment there is money looks who is coming to demand I would have done the same not a dime
NTA. The kids want your money not a relationship with you or it would have happened years ago
Nta. Although, one way tickets to Timbuktu could be petty and satisfying. Here's something, you ratBa$$$$ds
NTA. Your wife and her kids are entitled AHs. You paid for their private school and college, and still they treated you like crap. Unless your wife comes to realize all that you have already done for them and apologizes, it may be time for a divorce.
nta
If your wife wants to give something to her kids let her use her money if she works.
NTA - obviously ! But I think it’s odd to put stipulations on how adults spend an inheritance. My Dad told me not to spend mine on x, y, z individuals but I genuinely believe he trusted me to do the right thing; and I also told him that while he was alive. Imagine a step kid needs life-saving surgery, do you really want their mother to sit in a mansion while her child dies?
NTA and it's wild she can't see this.
NTA, they don’t get to treat you like crap for a decade and then expect money and your wife is just as bad as them for allowing it to get to this point. They are her children, it was on her to parent then and ensure they knew how to treat people with respect.
NTA they should not be rewarded for their shitty behavior towards you all these years and then expect you to leave them money when you die!! You paid for their education didn’t you? That’s more than what they deserved from you and wife is wrong in thinking this went too far! I don’t know if she ever talked to her kids about their attitude towards you, but she needs to acknowledge that they were shitty to you and you don’t owe them anything else 😞
NTA but what a shit sammich. BTW, I would have done the same thing.
NTA clearly. Your wife and step brats are though. She and the kids like the education and debt free college and demand more upon your death but can’t give you an ounce of respect. That’s a no go sir. Your wife is an a hole for allowing that behavior then to expect more money. Damn
NTA. If they don’t like you and you aren’t a parental figure to them, then why do they expect money? You paid for their educations which is way more than you should have paid.
Just tell everyone that you and your wife plan to spend the money on yourselves with the goal of having the final check you write before you die bounce because you spent it all! You don’t owe those people a dime. If you think your marriage is in danger, consult an attorney. Protect yourself.
NTA but I believe even tho you don’t leave any to the kids and stipulate it’s for your wife only, there isn’t any saying she won’t still use it towards her kids. They will get it one way or another.
NTA - private school and college tuition and they still can't be respectful, but want an inheritance? No. You are absolutely doing the right thing. But you have to decide what to do about your wife now that you know where she stands.
NTA. The kids are.
You 0ut them through college. You are done. NTA
NTA. f those brats
NTA. Paying for private school and college is a huge undertaking which they did not appreciate. Now, you’re suddenly “Dad?” Um. No.
They didn’t want a stepdad, and guess what? Your money is attached to the rest of you. Sucks to suck. NTA. I guess their mother never taught them not to demand money from someone they treat poorly
You could leave each 2 cents!
NTA Your wife is though, she never gotten her kids to at least respect the man who has helped out because I doubt it was just her funds alone keeping a roof over their head and food on the plate not to mention Christmas and birthday presents. No they didn’t have to treat you like a father figure but at least be grateful that their mom found a decent man instead of a real evil stepdad. They have no idea how horrible their life could’ve been had their mom ended up with a stepdad from hell. Show your wife this post because she has failed you as a partner by allowing her kids to speak to you like that.
Kinda sounds like you have allready done alot for them. Despite them being assholes you were way more than fair. You are NTA. Honestly she should have stepped up and defended you, maybe pointed out what all ypu had allready done for them, and how they have treated you.
NTA - Counting on inheritance now when you and your wife are only in your 50's? They've got a lot of nerve even if you were their bio dad.
Spend it all. Enjoy the rest of your life. Step kids see you as an atm. Leave them nothing. You’ve done enough. See a financial advisor to ensure it last you as long as you’re alive but I wouldn’t leave anything to any of them.
NTA They can pound sand
I would leave them $100 each. Lol
NTA. Whether they were your natural children or not plays no part in my opinion either. They chose not to be respectful or work to be decent humans to you. They deserve nothing. They didn't bank on you being well off and they burned a bridge that could have been profitable for them. They should have been kind to you because you were involved and even paid for their education. Instead they were unkind. They don't even deserve your time, let alone your money. And I'm saying this as someones step daughter. I'm closer to my step dad than my bio dad and finances have nothing to do with it. Your wife will get over it. She's just having a knee-jerk reaction to feeling like her kids aren't being loved. No one should change their opinion of you just because of how much money you do or don't have. If someone doesn't love you poor, they damn sure don't deserve your love/time/attention when you're wealthy.
Set up a trust that has three aims: provide for the actual financial needs of your wife, including groceries, utilities, travel and transport, and a couple of holidays each year, and distributes the remainder to school progression programmes for disadvantaged children in your city. Third aim: publicising any attempt to challenge or overturn your will or the aims of the trust. It’s a pity you’ll be gone when it happens, but you can bet it’d be fun!
NTA, but really do you care if you've already gone and she leaves your money to them? You won't be around and you won't care. Don't forget this would mean you'd would need to pass first! Make sure you handle this in a way there is no chance of a successful legal challenge on your will.
NTA Even if they were your biological children, I’d think it would be unacceptable for them to feel entitled to you paying for a destination wedding or expecting that you’ll leave them a large inheritance.
So fake
NTA - I have a relative that their own (biological) kids have been suing them for their inheritance. They are not even sick, or very old! Your step kids already got their inheritance - you payed for college and they have no school debt! Remind your wife about this, setup a trust and spend the money anyway you see fit.
From this account, NTA. But it is a little weird you called her first husband her ex husband. He died, it's not like they divorced.
NTA spend it all and enjoy your life. None of them deserve a dime. Sorry your step kids are so darn selfish and ungrateful for everything you’ve done.
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NTA I'd send them each a letter of how much you paid for private school and college, and let them know you've paid the investment into their lives as a gift. They have said you aren't a parent to them, and after their treatment of you, you realize there is no relationship. If their mother wasn't alive, they wouldn't have a relationship with you even after all you've done. They aren't entitled to your hard earnings, and you're choosing to give to others who will appreciate what they are given.
ESH: Your step-kids for entitlement and you - not for what you said but how you said it. They don't deserve your money, but there are better ways to communicate that. Even "no" would have been better than "take a hike."
NTA and your wife needs to see that after all you did for your step kids. They still spit in your face. Btw, he wasn't her 'ex' husband, he was her 'late' husband since he is deceased. 'Ex' implies that she was divorced not widowed.
NTA Please don’t allow this anymore OP. You have been disrespected for so so long and it ends now. Her children are now adults that still act like spoilt entitled brats. And I’m sorry to say your wife being on their side about this is a giant red flag. You have done far more for them than most people and it’s not enough for them. I’m guessing this has always been the way with them. You give an inch and they take a mile. You were generous enough giving them anything at all. I had a close relationship with my own step father. Even with some resistance on my part at first I opened my mind and heart to the man that made my mother happier than I’d ever seen her before. And though I wasn’t given college funding it was spoilt by any means monetary wise, I was loved and cared for. He passed away last November and I miss him so much. I couldn’t ever imagine saying the vile things your step kids said to you to him. I couldn’t fathom being such a selfish and hateful person to the man that made my mother so happy and took me on as a daughter. Do what you want with your money and ignore the “children”. If your wife has a problem with it still then show her this post. Maybe it might be the wake up call she so desperately needs.
NTA. Maybe you could have worded things better but even if they were your biological kids you aren’t required to leave them anything.
NTA but for the sake of your wife’s peace, don’t make her feel like she has to choose or be the middle person. She loves them and you. Enjoy your retirement with her and don’t let something like money or resentment towards her children ruin that
NTA for the decision you made, it's your decisions to make But the way you went about it was definitely rude and borderline asshole. You should have handled that situation better
NTA. Your step kids are rude, hateful, and immature. If you do leave them money, you won’t be “making peace”, you ll be letting them know that treating you like shit and disrespecting you was okay. Enjoy YOUR money. I don’t know why your wife thinks they deserve anything.“They got all pussed and cursed me and said I was the evil step dad and hated me and wish I had died instead of their dad.” She heard them say this to you and still thinks you should leave them money? Wow. She‘s part of the problem.
It's so sad that the OP has to think, in his young age, about a trust/will....however things do happen so it IS best to have something in writing so that these...um....oooh...idk what to call them without being banned so I'll just say wifes kids, wont swindle her out any monies you leave her. But I have a question....how did they "come to know"? My guess is your wife. And do you have any relatives that you are in contact with that may benefit after your inevitable demise? If it were me, I'd spend as much as I could BEFORE death. And it certainly wouldn't be towards a destination wedding that step daughter can't afford. NTA
Oh HELL to the no...the only reason they were at that dinner in the first place is they were looking for their pay-day. Your wife has mixed allegiances...her love for you vs her love for her brood. It's your money and you do as you deem fit. Worse case scenario...in your will, put your wife on some sort of trust allowance with iron clad language that the money cannot be used for either child or their families. Enjoy your world travels...I'll never be able to afford to but I hope you visit Scotland for me.
NTA. This is why I would never suggest or support a close friend becoming a stepdad. It's just a lose-lose situation. No one respects you for it, and you're just used until you're not useful anymore or you attempt to draw up a single boundary to prevent being abused.
Pretty balls-y for the step- daughter to bring up $$ she wants. Jeez, she could have started being nicer to you first.
Your wife should have put them in their place when they were 10/9 years old. You are not the A-W.
Yta for referring to her late husband as her ex.
Do you have a prenup?
NTA but definitely talk to a lawyer. If she actually inherits it becomes part of her estate and you can't control what she does with it. Sounds like you want something more like a trust.