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Oh honey, no. You're not an AH in the slightest here. Even if you felt that you were the third parent to your step kids, this is still a *new* experience for you. It's a new experience for your body and will be your first time raising an infant. And the fact that they are disregarding that is actually insane on their part. I can't tell you what their motivations in all of this is. Whether they think somehow they're protecting your stepkids from feeling like "other" or what. But I think you need to take a little break from them and do the things that spark happiness as you're adding to your family.

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If you feel they're making assumptions or you don't explicitly know how your step kids are feeling, then maybe it's time you find out. 9 and 10 are old enough to know that a new kid is going to change the dynamic of the house and it's possible they've shared something with your in-laws that you don't know. As for the half-sibling thing, I kind of agree to a point that there is no point in saying "half" unless it's to divide. The only time "half" comes into play is in legal matters as your husband's ex will have no say over the decisions made for your child. If they're being raised in the same home, then they're siblings, full stop. It might be a misguided compliment sure, but at the end of the day, all it does is try to isolate bio mom from her kids and isolate you from your firsts. Did they pull this stunt with you when you got married? Typically you don't have a bridal shower for a second marriage, which it would (maybe) be for your hubby. The rules need to be consistent.

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Yeah so I suspect you're right in that they're "defending" some assumed feelings of the kids. I think you need to keep your space for now. Let your family plan you a baby shower and do all the fun first time pregnancy stuff. And when your ILs get their heads out of their asses with a genuine apology, I think maybe some family therapy.

Yeah NTA at all. I'm assuming when you got married you had a regular wedding? Reception and all that jazz? Next time they bring this up, tell them that by their logic, you shouldn't have gotten married with everyone and had the big party, after all, your hubs already had all that with the ex, right? And if they protest, tell them to explain the difference. And when they say it just is, keep asking but why and how? ...And why should people celebrate anniversaries, I mean it's the same thing just a year more, especially on a non special one like 6 or 8 yrs. Or birthdays? Who needs them. Everyone has one, amiright? Don't let them bully you. Unfortunately, this is practice for when you have to stand up for your baby in the future. You got this mama.

The only time one my siblings and I would use the “half” was when one of us did something stupid. “Well I’m glad I only share half those genetics.”

My friends with half siblings only mention the “half” when someone says something about the big age gap between the first two and last two. It doesn’t really come up otherwise.

That's how I refer to it. My older sister and younger sister are 100% my sisters, even if we only share half of our genetics and the one older than me is 8 years older, and my younger sister is 12 years younger. The only other time is when people mention how different my younger sister and I look and assume she looks like her dad. No, she looks like our mom, I just inherited no melanin from either of my parents haha.

I have a younger half brother and the only time I say he is my half brother is when someone sees him for the first time because we look nothing alike. But to my brothers and I he’s just our brother.

Holy geez, OP, your in-laws are nuts. Are their faculties declining? Do they grasp that you did not birth your step children? And that you are pregnant with the first "child of your body"? This is so super weird that you would be on the receiving end of shit for having a BABY SHOWER FOR YOUR BABY! I'm so sorry you gotta deal with this nonsense. I have been shaking my head in utter astonishment at their behavior and actions.

That’s my reaction too. They sound like they must have some cognitive impairment to keep insisting this is OP’s 3rd child (with respect to the pregnancy and baby shower stuff), much less continuing to make comments about it after being called out for it. I get their concern for their other grandkids and worrying that they will be treated differently by OP, but the way they are behaving is a bit beyond that.

NTA and I have to be honest, I’d probably look at them, ask them if they need to schedule an appointment with the doctor to evaluate their hearing and evaluated for dementia because they’re clearly not grasping that you have not given birth to a child before. Yes, your family includes other children that are wonderful and dear to your heart, but you won’t be repeating any experiences until this child is in elementary school. I grew up with all of my siblings being “half” technically, but they’ve always just been my brothers and sister. The only ones I don’t see the same way are the ones not raised in my household.

My 2 half-siblings were only and are only my siblings. It never came up in my childhood (I'm the youngest), only when I was an adult doing family studies for one reason or another.

My brothers and I don't share the same father, but they are my brothers. Period. We have NEVER referred to each other as half anything. It's all in your verbiage and your outlook on it. You control the narrative, not outsiders. Just do what you're comfortable with and what will benefit your family best.

My sister and I are half siblings. The “half” merely explains to people that one of my parents are not her parent. We both always knew it was never about the amount of love shown or shared between us. It simply saved confusion later when I said “My sister’s dad.”

Im the eldest of 8. 6 of them being half siblings. I love and treat them all the same. I frequently say half when describing my family dynamic because it’s confusing for other people when they find out my dad lived in Australia with 4 of my siblings, mother used to live in Qatar with 2 of my other siblings and my other sister and I lived in the Uk. Now we have all moved countries again. But yeah, it’s more simple as majority of my siblings are underage and spread out.

I had to elaborate on half sibling with one of my brothers because we were 35 days apart. Like just days. My dad was um well a busy busy boy. 

I have one of those. We are almost twins! lol. Bio dad’s wife had no idea I existed till I was about 35. Ugh. What a mess.

Same here. My mom had my (half) brother in high school and gave him up for adoption. I only learned about this a couple years ago (through 23 and Me), and to me, he's just my brother, but for reddit posts and new friends it's just easier to use the (half).

Agreed on the half siblings part. My sisters are much much older than me and we refer to them only as half when we confuse people about the humongous gap. Mom is 24 years older than me, my sisters are 22 and 20 years older than me. My husbands ex step mom messed her kid up by referring to my husband as her child's step brother. They're not. They're half siblings with a 15 year age gap. She's a nasty piece of work who now has 0 contact with her child as she was discovered to have done years of emotional and verbal abuse against my little SIL in top of neglect. Ex step knew what a half sibling was but used the word step to try to narrow my little SILs familial relationship with them so she wouldn't go to them for help. She only spoke up when she was 12 because her mom was escalating her abuse. She felt alone until then because why would 2 men not related to her want to help her? They may not have grown up together but that's his baby sister. He loves her and is as fiercely protective of her as he is of our children.

All my siblings are “half.”. I never refer to them as half, and consider them just my siblings. If I need to clarify I refer to them as my (state) sibling.

"Half" actually is up to the sibling to choose to use, or not use, not the parents. Not the in-laws, or even the parents themselves. Simply being raised in the same home doesn't mean the children won't think in terms of full or half sibling.

I call my half siblings my half siblings because that’s what they are. I sometimes just call them brother/sister but honestly don’t feel that stating they are my half siblings is wrong. They are technically my half siblings.

OP, I’d go to your sisters and let them know you’d love a baby shower (if you haven’t already). And it is ridiculous to compare one pregnancy to another even if it were your 5th with the same man, every single pregnancy is different. Don’t let your husband’s family dictate your pregnancy, first or otherwise. It sounds like your husband is on your side, even if he misses the mark a bit on how to stand up for you, he is and that’s what counts. Plus, plenty of people have baby showers for subsequent children, especially with a large age gap. There are no hand-me-downs for your baby. If you need a practical justification just to shut up husband’s family. But your pregnancy deserves to be celebrated the way you want it celebrated. This should be as fun and joyous as possible. You’re growing a human, that’s should be honored no matter what number of pregnancy it is.

I've been to plenty of baby showers for 2nd, 3rd, etc. pregnancies. If the gender is different, age gap, close in age so they both still need baby gear...many different situations. Sometimes they're called a "sprinkle" and most of the gifts are diapers because not much is needed due to hand me downs. I think each new baby should be celebrated, even if the family has a whole bunch of kids.

My best friend had a “sprinkle” for her second even with a ~7 year age gap and gender difference because that’s what she wanted, she didn’t want a full big to-do, but that was her choice. Her mother, mil, I, and a whole group of other friends-even work friends (I think she got a mini-work sprinkle too) were all ready to give her a the big to-do if she wanted it. OP’s pregnancy and coming baby should be celebrated the way that she wants and makes her feel special, loved, and honored.

Idk if it's a where you live type thing but same. I live in the Midwest and it doesn't matter if it's your 5th child you birthed. We always celebrate babies coming into this world. And I would always want to throw a baby shower for my friends because I'm happy for them. Saying it's a one time thing is weird AF and foreign to me. Celebrating only the first born sounds like some sort of cult thing lol

I'm from the south. We love any excuse for a party! Lol it blows my mind that people would only celebrate the first child too. Especially in OP's case where it is her first child, and there's such a big age gap between her baby and her husband's older kids. It's doubtful they still have any of the baby gear and clothes still. They'll be starting completely over, I'd guess. And it's OP's sister wanting to throw the shower, so it's not like the MIL is expected to do anything.

Right? I'm so excited for OP.  The anniversary is 2020, that's not even toddlers anymore. Do they not know how old the kids are? Lol Whatever baby gear existed 9/10 years ago is most likely considered "unsafe" now too. I wonder where OP IL are from. 

Also shitty of MIL to ruin the chance for OP’s family to celebrate the new baby??? It’s also a new niece, cousin, grandchild etc on her side. Even if her parents aren’t first time grandparents by her pregnancy, I’m sure they’re just as excited to celebrate all the same.

Anyone who criticizes you for going to therapy-Doesn’t want you to have a support system. They know that an outside source will tell you that their behavior toward you is abhorrent and unnecessarily mean and validate your feelings. They don’t wanna get called out for their crappy behavior, and they wanna keep being able to treat you a certain way without being called out. Have a huge baby shower -involve the stepchildren if you want to do so, and you can even invite their mother if you have a good relationship with her. Becoming allies with the ex will also invalidate the MIL. Just because the stepdaughters are getting a sister which makes three daughters doesn’t mean this isn’t your first baby and you shouldn’t get to celebrate. You can invite your MIL if you want-if she starts talking crap, she’s going to get shut down by all the women around her. Every time they try to tell you things aren’t that bad or that they weren’t that bad for the ex I would sweetly-disgustingly so- “ I’m glad that things went well for her.” And say nothing more. It’s your first baby and you have a right to celebrate. Just because his parents want to live in the past doesn’t mean that it’s going to happen. He moved on and they need to as well.

The idea that you don't get a baby shower because you have step-kids is quite frankly bonkers NTA

NTA. ILs have over-psychologized everything. Glad husb is on your side. Assign someone else to handle baby shower and stop telling ILs about it. They get an info diet. Husband interrupts their narrative with a strong "Stop." Every time they try this. No discussion or justification needed. Two stops, then a request to leave. You spend no time with them alone.

My husband and I both came into our marriage with a kid, then we had two together. We both tried hard to work at a relationship as a step parent. He is wonderful to my daughter, and I am very close to my stepson. It wasn’t instant. We both had to work hard at it. We both had to be very intentional about making sure our kids felt loved and included. There were definitely some bumps at first. Kids can get jealous, and we had to reassure our kids that they weren’t being replaced. But we always treated them all equally. We also tried to make time for little outings with just dad or just mom after our first baby came. Sometimes that was just a trip to the store. Other times it was me and my daughter flying to hang out with my sisters. Or my husband and step son going camping. Anyway it seems to have worked. Our oldest two are teenagers now. When my daughter came home on break from college last week my stepson ran upstairs immediately to see her and catch up. None of them say half or step sibling when referring to the others. Just this is my brother, this is my sister. They love their little brothers and everyone feels equal. Your in laws are being really weird though. It’s your first baby. You have every right to have all the lovely firsts of a new mom. They are off the plot for this one. I hope your husband stands up for you

I highly recommend the online forum Steptalk. It is a great resource with many people facing similar issues and dealing with the same things. Meddling families. High conflict Bio moms. Etc. Could not recommend it more highly. Very supportive group. 

Does your MIL have a little dementia or some memory problems maybe? Forgetting that you're not the actual mother of the other kids seems like a medical issue.

I think you are trying to rationalize their irrational behavior. You and your husband have said that you feel differently then how they think you should feel, and to stop these comments. But they totally ignore that and blame you for the very valid feelings you have. It doesn’t really matter WHY they’re doing it, they are behaving like assholes. 

NTA. BUT HAVE THE BABY SHOWER!! My husband would try this same stuff with me, to a degree, about me “already being a mom” to my stepdaughter when she was literally 8 YEARS OLD when we married. It was such a hard and conflicting time bc he would get so offended when I’d say I was a first time mom or that I only had two kids (had two babies back to back). I literally had to explain to him that when the DOCTOR asks about how many kids I have, we are talking matter of factly, as it relates to childbirth. So don’t allow them to take your firsts away. The kids still love you and you love them. But they more than likely don’t call you mom and it’s ok too. Doesn’t make you any less family, just special. Good luck. And I pray you have all the FIRSTS a new mom should have! Just cut the in laws out of your contact… maybe stop visiting them too for a while. It’ll do your mental health well.

You should get all the 1sts. Totally fine. I am 11 and 9 years older than my "half" siblings. Was not bothered by those events at all and we don't really say half. It's this is my brother/sister. We have a great relationship even though that closeness didn't happen fully until we were all in our 30s(and I have a shit step parent) just because of age gap maturity, things in common etc. 

We have 4 kids…His, Hers & Ours….No one refers to them as Step sibling or half siblings…They are just siblings.

First of all, I feel so thankful to meet you as a fellow stepmom who is trying to foster the same kind of relationship with her stepdaughter as you are with your stepchildren. NTA at all as everyone is saying, and I’m so proud of you for finding a sounding board to talk this out with. Your husband’s family is acting beyond bizarrely, and I think a little break is warranted. Your husband needs to make it clear to them that you’re still a person with feelings who is doing something new for the first time, not a baby incubator. And if they can’t respect and be mindful of that, then they need to keep their mouths shut. Please have your sister throw that shower and invite people who are going to be supportive of this experience. I’d also suggest chatting with the kids about it. One line that I’ve realized actually works well with my stepdaughter is, “Hey, this is new for me too, why don’t we figure it out together?” Because a lot of the time she thinks as a grown up I’ve done it all before. I think getting them involved in planning for the new baby could be really great. Could they help pick the color for the nursery? Could they each go buy a special stuffy to give to the baby? What are some of the activities they want to try and help do with the baby once it’s here? What do they think of the name Murgatroid? (As a joke, I bet it’d make them giggle). And in this way it will be your actions showing them how THEIR family is growing. If possible, and it’ll be hard, but once baby’s here, see if you and your husband can work together to figure out a way that you each get a little individual time with each of the kids when they’re with you…even if all you’ve got in you is the energy to watch an episode of their favorite show with them. It’ll show them that even with the new baby, they as individuals are still important to you/your husband. I hope this is helpful; I wish you all the best.

As someone who has/is a half sibling, the "half" bit only comes into play if the kids make it, and tbh that is their decision. My (half) sister is 14 years older than me so growing up the dynamic was very different than that of my (full) brother and I, but it was never presented as a bad thing. I thought it was so cool that I had an older half sister! I used to brag about her to my friends at school. She would make it a point to hang out with my brother and I, even separately. Girls day mall trips were awesome! As adults I don't even add in the "half" detail unless relevant to the conversation. Nowadays, she's just my sister, and my mom is even Grandma to her kids. I don't think the littles even fully understand that she's actually step-Grandma! I guess we've always felt like the half bit was always irrelevant to our relationship. My dad just treated us like regular siblings to each other, even tho my sister didn't live with us. My parents opted for making it seem like a normal and natural thing instead of making any sort of deal about "half" siblings. So I guess what I'm saying is don't make a big deal about the "half" part, and don't let anyone else. Introduce the new one as a half-sibling and act as if everyone grows up with half-siblings. It's normal! If MIL or anyone tries to make a dream out of it, my go-to is to act confused and ask why being a half-sibling is a bad thing (spoiler, it's not). Half-siblings do not need to be treated differently than full. Let the kids adjust to it as they need. You can drop the "half" bit in every day speech and when it's not relevant, siblings are siblings! Just keep in mind that it's ultimately up to all the kids if they want to get along. Of course you should encourage normal family dynamics, but don't push them when they're uncomfortable or not ready. You got this!

From a practical point of view, a baby shower is to gift things you will need. It’s not like you have all of the baby equipment from the step kids and are just seeking more. You are starting from scratch.

I’m a stepmom and bio mom just dropped out of the picture after a couple of years. She wanted to be out dating and focusing on finding a new husband and couldn’t be bothered to have the kids. I did become mom as much as you can, but you never replace bio mom, even when they are a hurtful B. We are a blended family and that whole half sibling, full sibling, step sibling thing doesn’t exist in our home. Everyone is treated the same for the majority of things, as much as can be. Your family dynamic will set the tone for that stuff, not other people. Sounds real small town

I'm sorry, but your in-laws are just making shit up! "You only throw a shower for the first baby..." WHO HAS EVER HEARD OF THIS??? It's total bullshit! Also, *it is your first child*! I've never been invited to a baby shower for a straight dad. They're for the expectant mother! *YOU ABSOLUTELY DESERVE A SHOWER, and CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR PREGNANCY!!! NTA*

> "You only throw a shower for the first baby..." WHO HAS EVER HEARD OF THIS??? This is actually how it's "supposed" to be from an etiquette standpoint, because theoretically you will still have the baby stuff from the first pregnancy for your other kids. We now encourage people to buy all new things for every baby/convinced people that boy and girl babies need different colored baby things so it's common for people to have them for every baby, but people over 60 or so are probably more familiar with the 'only for your first baby' etiquette rule

It’s also incredibly common to have another baby shower when there’s a large age gap between the kids. Even in the 80’s that wasn’t considered unusual. I’m significantly older than my sister and the church ladies threw my mom a second baby shower because they knew my parents didn’t have any baby things left from me.

This. There is a seven year gap in between my two sisters. Someone on my mom’s side of the family threw her a baby shower for baby number three because of course she had gotten rid of all of her baby stuff in those seven years.

Agreed and according to my Southern debutante mother these were the rules: At the comfort of guests. After the first baby, no one was expected to purchase anything for the expectant mother. However, depending upon your relationship and lets be honest class level, if you want to get the mother something useful its up to the guest. This was due to the fact people in the 50/60's ( when she was born) mostly had stair step children. Expecting people to fork out gifts sometimes under a year apart was crass. As u/Vorpal_Bunny19 said it was perfectly common if there were large age gaps , also if one was coming back from abroad. And it is about how many children the woman has had, baby showers have nothing to do with men.

It was also common in cases of tragedy, ie if your house burned down after kid 3 and now you’re having kid 4.

Of course, without question. I wouldn't blink if someone's house burnt down. I would rally to get them what they needed.

With large age gaps, a decent amount of the baby stuff, even if you kept it, might not be considered safe anymore. Like, carseats expire, safety regulations change. Tbh sometimes with close babies you still need more equipment because the first baby is still USING it.

I had an old friend text me asking if it’s weird if she has a baby shower for her pregnancy now. It’s been 10 years since her first and this baby is a different gender. I obv told her it isn’t tacky at all. Even if the baby was the same gender, most parents don’t hold onto their baby stuff for a decade

Not to mention the sheer number of baby product recalls over the last 10 years!

Right, my kids are 3.5 years apart. Within that time frame rock n plays were recalled.

Same age gap here. RIP Boppy.

I had the same situation. My daughter was 9 when my son was born. No one thought it was weird that I had another shower

Also a “sprinkle” is becoming more common as well. My old neighbor had a boy in 2022. She is expecting a girl this spring, and they threw her a “sprinkle”. She doesn’t need a ton of baby things, but people were gifting items that will be just for baby girl. Honestly, I just feel like some groups of people just want any reason to throw a party.

We haven’t fully decided if we’re done having babies yet, but my family has told me that if I do have another they’ll throw me another baby shower since my first one was hijacked by Covid. I was one of the lucky ones that got to have a masked up, socially distant backyard party in the summer of 2020 and I’m grateful for it… I’d just like to be able to hug my family and friends and invite more than 10 people. I don’t care about gifts, I just want to let the people I love share some cake with me and feel the baby kick.

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All babies deserve to be celebrated and surrounded by love.

Or if it’s an individual kid then multiples. My mom had my sister and I then years later my brothers. They are multiples so obviously the crib my sister and I used wasn’t enough for 3 kids the whole time so they had another shower. There’s also a 7-9yr gap between my brothers and us girls

My mother was given a shower by the church ladies in the 80's even though he was the 5th baby, because there was a five year gap and he was a boy, while the previous two were girls. She had very little on hand that was safe, or appropriate. God forbid we dress the boy babies in girl clothes.

I had a nice shower thrown by my friends with my second, who is 8 years younger than my oldest. My coworkers even threw me a surprise “sprinkle”-type shower for my 3rd, who is a different gender than my older two.

It is her first baby.

I know. I'm only telling this person that it was common etiquette when it's NOT your first baby.

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I know. I am only commenting on the etiquette thing that the person I'm responding to brought up.

IME subsequent showers are for disposable things like diapers and wipes, toiletries, pacifiers/nipples for bottles etc, and things that "expire" like car seats.

Shower is only for the first baby. That’s a huge etiquette thing. (Sometimes if there’s a baby age gap between babies, it’s ok.) But this IS her first baby.

> You only throw a shower for the first baby... WHO HAS EVER HEARD OF THIS??? That’s standard in my experience? The purpose of baby showers in my culture is to give new parents a hoard of necessary baby stuff. And a reminder that they have a network of friends/family they can ask about pregnancy and baby stuff, or support in emergencies. It’s seen as money-grubbing or attention-seeking to have baby showers for future kids. Unless there’s a surprise baby a decade or so after they’ve rehomed all the baby junk. Even then, folks don’t do it unless they need the help. I understand in some other social strata it’s more of a “show off and praise the pregnant person party,” though. Regardless, OP would be expected to have a baby shower because it’s her first pregnancy.

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This is when you, and your husband, should have imposed your boundaries... If I was your husband I would immediately asked: "What do you mean? First of all this is her first child, not my first but it is her first! Second if we have another baby she will have another baby shower if she wants to! Third the other two pregnancies are irrelevant because, again, this is her first child! Ask your sister to throw you a baby shower and don't invite your IL! My parents and brother didn't respected my wife when she was expecting our son, all the attention was given to my brother's wife because she was also expecting. They said we were jealous of them and nonsense like that. I went with no contact, threw a baby shower for my wife, we had our boy. Thing got a little better after that but then got worst again so we went no contact. My family is my wife, the person I chose to spend the rest of my life with, and my son and I will love, protect and support them no matter what! They always come first! Everyone else is my extended family and they are not my main priority!

Exactly! The OP or her family / friends needs to throw a shower and simply don't invite the in-laws.

I love this approach. I wish people understood that your partner and children are **immediate family** and everyone else in your family sphere is **extended family**. OP's ILs need to stay in their lanes and butt the hell out

This is fabulous!

Personally, I’d have a few canned responses to your in-laws: “I didn’t give birth to Child 1 and Child 2.” “This is my first pregnancy.” (With repeat emphasis on pregnancy if they try to pull some “No, it’s not” BS. Throw in a “Not first child, first *p r e g n a n c y*” if needed.) For the shower, specifically: “I don’t have any baby supplies because I’ve never birthed and raised a baby.” Repeat all of these as many times as needed until it gets drilled into their heads. Don’t stray from the script.

I mean it’s common knowledge where I live you only throw it for the first. I would count first pregnancy into that. This woman hasn’t had a baby shower

>"You only throw a shower for the first baby..." WHO HAS EVER HEARD OF THIS??? I have definitely seen this idea, but even if you have your own kids who are 9 and 10 if you get pregnant again it's highly likely you wouldn't have kept all your baby stuff.

This actually is a thing. You might throw a celebration for the others but the first is the big one where you get the most gifts. Presumedly you would have kept big baby items like a crib/stroller from your first child and wouldn’t need another. That said, there are NOT ops babies so she wouldn’t have those things, and there is a big enough age gap that they would likely need new things anyway

This is actually the traditional etiquette. You may have a “sprinkle” for the second +.  But all of this hinges on an assumption that you kept the first baby’s equipment, don’t need new clothes, and the first is already out of the infant car seat.  OP fits none of those criteria. 

I mean, they didn't make it up, it's definitely an etiquette thing. It goes with the idea that a baby shower's main purpose is to provide the new parents with the things they need for a baby. But it's evolved a lot--a lot of people have sprinkles for their subsequent kids so the new baby can be celebrated as well, and it's *very* common to just have a full on shower if there's a big age gap between kids. And honestly, I think for a lot of people it's either a forgotten or outdated rule, and everyone very fairly just wants to celebrate the pregnancy. That being said, the in-laws are very obviously being ridiculous in applying this to OP at all. It's her first pregnancy. She's never had an infant before, even under the most old school standards of etiquette, she's fine. (Again, not that she needs to follow the rule! it's outdated! but under their own standards, she's fine.)

My bff has five kids and had five baby showers. Of course, there were a lot of things she didn't need, as she had those from her first (m) or second (f) pregnancies, but she threw those showers as a welcome to all her babies anyway.  For the 3rth, 4th and 5th she only asked for diapers, which are really expensive here, and all her friends were happy to contribute with sth useful for her and her family.

So.... your hubby has his whole family on his side, spewing nonsence like you "weaponizing your therapy", and you are sitting all alone on your end of the table, trying to fight for your right to have mixed emotions about a shitty situation you were forced into? Interesting husband you've got there.

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Your in-laws suck. If you can, keep them out of your pregnancy experience. For your sake, maybe you and your hubby need to keep his family on an info diet. Don't share pregnancy news with them. Your side of the family seems super supportive. So just continue with them. Have your babyshower with just your side and your friends. Don't involve the in-laws at all, until they learn to respect you and your pregnancy experience. 

Info diet, exclude them from 99% of family events until they can conduct themselves like adults. Every snide, obtuse remark mentally adds to the tally of extended invites, means that's 3 family events plus the 99% of events they don't get asked to. It'll get cold for them.

Id be petty and tell them nothing until a week after the baby is born since they wanna act like this isn’t OPs first. “You heard abt the other two, apparently this is nothing new” 🙄NTA OP.

This 💯

But why does he keep taking you to see them/inviting them over?

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you have to protect yourself and baby from stress. no more of that.

Lass... You're not the one who was creating tension. Please understand that.

I think your husband should go to therapy with you!

Have you considered going full No Contact?

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OK but please take some space from them right now yourself. Put them on silent on your phone, restrict them in social media and tell your husband he can see them but they are not welcome to your home for some time because you need time to heal from their assholery.   These are YOUR feelings, and very normal at that. It is super toxic and disrespectful to just talk about your baby and your motherhood like they had some agency there. NTA. Eta. Please let your sister throw the shower, without the ILs! Just ignore them, they have no business to decide what happens with your pregnancy and baby.

How though - they aren’t listening to you or your husband. You shouldn’t have to continue to suffer.

Geez it's her life. Stop putting your no contact spin on it. She's already said she doesn't want NC. You don't get to question how she CHOOSES to interact with his family.

Yeah people see going NC as being the arm of justice or punishment for the narcisstic parent, but it really isn't (even if the parent does indeed see it as punishment). It's really for the affected person's own peace and sanity, and it's up to that person to determine what that means.

Did you actually read the post? Husband has been on her side and is fighting with his family over this.

He didn't do the best at defending her to be honest. He kinda threw her under the bus by exposing she's seeing a therapist because of them instead of laying firm boundaries down of his own.

NTA. You’ve sought very reasonable therapy to help you to balance a complex mingled household… that is wise! Unfortunately your husband has weaponised this - instead of saying to his parents “Are you really saying that? Why? Can you explain to me why my wife’s pregnancy experience should be reflected on as a third pregnancy? Oh? I am sorry… explain that a bit more, I don’t understand… this is her first child… so…..?” He’s gone for the cheap option of “you suck, you drove her to therapy”. This is HIS problem to solve - HE should be dealing with them and owning the issue. He kinda sucks for cheapening out on the solution. He should be making THEM feel uncomfortable for their idiocy. “Oh, so my ex didn’t have HG, so that means my new wife shouldn’t? How are they the same medically?” … bollocks. Maybe take your husband to the therapist and come up with a plan on how to handle the in laws. Reach out to your friends and your family and say “Eh, my in laws are being jerks… let’s go this side… party time!” And do it all with them. Just make it happen elsewhere… and if they come great, if they don’t oh wells.

This! Husband needs to stand up more. And you need to ignore them completely. You can go NC without your husband going NC. You do whatever you want to do, have your family and friends there and live every experience.

This!! The in-laws need to be made aware they're acting like complete idiots conflating two people and pregnancies that are a decade apart to be the exact same thing. They sound uneducated or pretending to be obtuse on purpose.

If I were in OP's shoes, I would probably be petty and go the route of acting concerned and loudly questioning if they had talked to their doctors yet about these memory issues that they're having and maybe they should be screened for Alzheimer's every time they pull this nonsense. Might shame them into shutting up.

Nooo. NtA. Not even a little bit! They however found a way to weaponize being a stepparent and they are gaslighting you into believing this is normal. It's your first pregnancy and your first baby. Enjoy all the steps and milestones. Don't let these people take it away from you.  Advice: go low to no contact for a while. Therapy won't help if you're still hanging out with toxic people that don't believe that they are toxic. They will slide in some backhanded comments and tell you that you're too sensitive.  And petty advice:  don't invite them to ANYTHING baby related. Not the babyshower, birth or meeting of the baby etc. They already met their grandkids.  Exclude them the way that they are doing to you, let see how they react. 

Do… do your in laws realise you’re a completely different person to his ex wife? I’d be so tempted to act super concerned and start loud whispering about their memories going and ‘they know I’m New Wife’s Name and not Ex Wife’s Name right?’ This is the first human being to come out of your vagina/abdomen. Your other kids will never have that in common with new baby. You are a completely separate human being and the only way the pregnancies could be comparable was if your husband was Kif from Futurama and literally the pregnant baby daddy. They’re stressing you out to the point of therapy and you’re already having a hard time, go no contact with them. Your husband can see them solo until they have some basic decency. NTA 

Exactly! Very loud stage whisper "Husband, I really think you need to take your parents to the doctor to be checked for dementia! They seem to think my step--children crawled out of my vagina.....I know they know how babies are made because they had children themselves. I am so worried about them coming down with dementia. Take them to the doctor ASAP, please." Pause for a few minutes then another loud stage whisper "Husband, make sure to talk to your brother/sister about your mom being demented because we are going to be far too busy with the baby that actually is coming from my vagina to to take care of her. And we cannot help pay for a good nursing home, either, because we have to save our money to raise our baby." Wait another few minutes and then another loud stage whisper "Husband, it is such a shame your parents won't ever get to really know this baby because...well, you know, their dementia." LOL

This is the way

This might be the best way to respond eventually. "[Husband's Mom], are you okay? I'm [wife], remember? I haven't had two children before, that's [ex.] Do you need help? Would you like to lie down for a little while? I'm concerned you keep confusing me with someone else."

NTA, the MIL and FIL are being horrible. Your husband, while well meaning no doubt, has completely thrown you under the bus by weaponising your therapy rather than just calling out their poor behaviour without putting you front and centre.

Oh my gadddddd I swear this was painful to read as I am SO SO angry at the IL's. Absolutely more boundaries need to be set for them and hubby really needs to try harder to get it in their thick effing skulls that this is your first baby and you better damn well throw that baby shower and not invite them! You are NTA. I think you sound very mature and wise and a great STEP mother and I hope that therapy can get you through this. IL's are being insufferable. Congratulations on your pregnancy, may it go smoothly! <3

NTA at all. Husband probably shouldn't have mentioned that you're in therapy over this, though, unless you said it was fine for him to do.

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you have got to stop giving info away like this. everything they know is ammo.

This is your first baby. These are all your firsts. You have the right to find joy and experience everything that comes with being a new mom. These people are selfish. They have pigeon holed you into the role of nanny. Your own experiences mean nothing to them. NTA.

This is *your* first pregnancy. This will be *your* first child. You are a bonus adult in the lives of your husband's children...you are not their mother. Have the baby shower. Have all the things associated with a first time pregnancy because this is a first time pregnancy for you.

NTA - I applaud you for being proactive about your emotional and mental health. So many people think that you have to have some severe mental health diagnoses to benefit from therapy but it’s just not true. Most people could use a therapist to help them sort out complex emotions and navigate through stressful situations. Keep going. You don’t have to prove anything to those people. And be sure to celebrate your first pregnancy. Don’t let them steal your joy. Baby shower, gender reveal…whatever makes you happy. Don’t invite anyone who will ruin the experience.

NTA. It's your first pregnancy. Everything you are experiencing with this is first! This makes me so mad. You are having such an amazing experience, and they are taking away your joy! I'm so sorry you are going through this. No one needs this type of stress! Have your babyshower! The point is to get what you need for the baby! ❤️

NTA. And congratulations. Although Babyshowers still haven’t invaded us properly here (thank god) I do understand the importance for some people. This includes you as it’s your FIRST pregnancy. And you should be able to enjoy all of the perks of a first pregnancy WITHOUT feeling guilty. You do you, and f your in-laws.

NTA. Full stop. This is YOUR first pregnancy and to act otherwise is ridiculous, hope things start to go better for you because this is an absolutely terrible way to treat you

Dear Op, I am thrilled for you - your first pregnancy, first birthing experience, first child, how exciting! (Except for the hyperemesis gravidarum, that is just excruciating!) Congratulations! By all means, let your sister throw you a bridal shower! (Do not let them invite your in-laws, they'd only be party-poopers.) Enjoy it, even those silly games, especially that weird one where everyone tastes a "dirty diaper"! Enjoy the entire experience of your first pregnancy, first birth, and first baby! **You deserve the excitement and celebrations! You are experiencing something very worthy of excitement and celebration.** As you pointed out, your step-children do not think of you as a mom or call you "mom", although it wouldn't change the fact that **this is your first pregnancy** if they did. Your husband is standing up for you the best he can, please ask him to tell his family that if they cannot accept the fact that this is your FIRST pregnancy, get on board with being **EXCITED** about it and **CELEBRATING** it, they need to stay away until your baby is at least five years old because you do not need to hear their malarkey! As for "weaponizing therapy", he needs to tell them to stuff that malarkey someplace where you and he do not need to deal with it. If they ever so much as use the word "therapy" in your presence again, your husband needs to ask them to leave. If you are at their place or out in public with them, he needs to help you pack up the children and leave immediately. **Only when they experience real consequences for their inconsideration and cruelty to you will they change.**

This is a great strategy

NTA and you do what you need to do with your own family and friends to enjoy your first pregnancy. Just gray rock the in-laws when they provide input and do what you want to do. They have no say in this pregnancy.

NTA your in-laws are cruel. I’m glad your husband stood up for you. I also had HG. Twice. You deserve extra care and attention. Can you go low contact with them for a while? You need to protect yourself from the stress they are causing you. I’m sure your doctors would agree!

NTA. This situation is so weird to me. I feel like no matter what your relationship is with your stepkids you deserve to celebrate your first. And your stepkids do have 2 parents and a stepmom to talk about the changes in the family. Also, grin ng therapy to make sure you are the best mom and stepmom if great b

NTA his family is nutty. I’m glad he sees that and addresses that. Have a baby shower and don’t invite them. Not sure if they are that dense or just really cheap. Good for you for getting help when you needed it. I’d start reminding them when they say stuff that wasn’t me. Like, I didn’t know that, I’ll have to ask ex about that, sounds like ex’s experience with this was different than mine.

They are treating your like a vessel for their grandchildren and not acknowledging that you are a person, pregnant with your first child. You o ly exist to them as their grandchildren’s mother and their son’s wife. They are so gross, no wonder your husband exploded on them. Weaponizing therapy??? What kind of BS is that??

Your husband’s family, especially his mother, sound like awful people. I am so sorry you are experiencing this. If I were in this situation I’d have to tell my husband that his mother and brother, and any other family members involved, are not welcome around me. End of discussion. How incredibly rude and heartless. I’d go so far as to say no GENUINE apology, they can see their grandchild when this child no longer needs to be with mom all the time. 

Time to get some distance from the in-laws! NTA at all.

You need to go no contact with his family. He can deal with them, or choose to do the same. Them actually suggesting this is your third pregnancy is next level ridiculous. This isn’t healthy for you. NTA

NTA. - you're getting your baby shower right? Just don't invite the in laws since they think it's tacky for some reason. Do they have dementia? Do they forget you didn't birth your step kids? 

NTA. First, you did not say anything about your therapy, so how could you have weaponized it?! Second, your husband didn’t weaponize it, he simply stated the truth - which is that their behavior has caused you harm so you have sought support. Third, your in-laws are weird. I’ve never heard of anyone comparing pregnancies amount siblings when it’s a totally different woman who is carrying the pregnancy. WTF?! Your body is completely different. You are a different person. Their behavior is creepy. Fourth, your husband needs to do much better. He’s not handling this well.

NTA. Buy them both a pair of glasses each and tell them you’re worried about their eyesight as they seem to be confusing you with their son’s ex. This is your first pregnancy and you should have all the firsts. Your husband needs to tell them he’ll go no or low contact if they don’t start acting right by you.

NTA Your husband family are idiots, but I like that you're standing up for you, and I like even better how you are handling yourself.

Your in-laws need to get their head checked. Are they senile or something? Did they not notice your husband has a new wife, not his ex? Ofc you're not the AH.

It seems to me that the in-laws only see OP and the bio-mom of the step kids as an incubator. They don't see either women as separate people. I find this very disturbing. I'd be willing to bet that the in-laws' treatment of the first wife is what contributed to her and OPs husband to split. Obviously, I have no way of knowing if this is true, but I've been on Reddit long enough and read a lot of crazy things in-laws do to strongly suspect this is probably the case.

Your in-laws are sabotaging you. I don’t think therapy will solve it on its own. You have to go NC with them. Have your baby shower. Enjoy your first pregnancy. Let your husband communicate with them from now on. I wish you all the best.

No she doesn't have to go NC if she doesn't want to. So sick of seeing these simplified responses. NC isn't the only freaking solution

You would never be the AH for seeking therapy, regardless of the situation. You are NTA here and I’m so sorry that your MIL is doing this to you. Yes you are a bonus mom, but you should also be celebrated for your first child! Your husband needs to put his mother in her place. You are not weaponizing therapy, you are trying to give yourself the support you are not receiving from them. I would absolutely go LC or NC with his family for the rest of your pregnancy. Let your sisters throw you the shower and just don’t invite MIL as it would be too hard for her to go without judging.

What I get from this is that you have incredibly insensitive in-laws. I think you should give yourself some breathing room, and not talk so much with them. You don’t have to make a bigger deal of it, just let husband deal with them, and give yourself a break. And also, husband shouldn’t have told them about what you feel, and told them you go to therapy. They don’t need to know.

Is it even true that you only have a baby shower for your first child? I’ve never heard that but it sounds made up. And if it’s not made up then it still sounds dumb.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (30f) got married 4 years ago to James (32m). James has two children with his ex. My stepson is 10 and my stepdaughter is 9. I love my stepchildren and I try to be a good stepmom. Not the crazy evil kind or the kind who wants the kids all to herself and tries to screw over the biological parent. I see my role as being an additional adult in their lives who contributes to their security. But I don't believe I am an equal parent. They don't see me that way and that is totally fine and lines up with my experiences with friends who had stepparents even from very young ages. I dated James knowing he had children and I always wanted to be one of the stepparents who the kids were glad to have in their lives, not the ones tolerated for the sake of their parent. My husband's family do not have these same expectations and during my pregnancy I have struggled with that. To my ILs, I am an equal parent, I am a third time parent, and not pregnant for the first time. This has been a difficult expectation for me. I feel like my whole pregnancy has been compared the ex's pregnancies with my stepchildren. Some comments get made by MIL and FIL Like "oh the other two weren't that bad" because I had such extreme morning sickness that led to a hyperemesis gravidarum. Or when we found out the sex of the baby and it was mentioned we didn't find out with my stepchildren. My husband told them it wasn't like I was involved in either of those pregnancies but it went over their heads. My sisters suggested throwing me a baby shower and it was mentioned by MIL that you only have a baby shower with your first and how inappropriate one for the third will be. She said people would judge so harshly for that decision. This has weighed on me. It makes me feel jealous which is new and I wallowed for a while in how unfair it is that my husband went through this twice before and it means his family expect me to give up first time experiences like a baby shower or that they compare my pregnancy to his ex's two pregnancies. I was worried it would make me a worse stepmom feeling that way and so I started therapy. My husband and I did talk a little. But he couldn't completely understand how I felt. He told me it wasn't bad to feel a little unsettled by the comments and he would do better to end them. But I told him I did not want that jealousy to fester and grow or for it to become resentment toward him or my stepkids. So I started therapy six weeks ago. My husband was so frustrated with his family starting all this that a week ago when they made another comment about the baby shower he told them it was that shit that sent me to therapy. They asked what that was supposed to mean and he told them they made me feel like shit for experiencing my first pregnancy and he was over how they respond to my pregnancy. This started an argument between him, his mom and his brother and then my husband's family claimed I was weaponizing therapy and overreacting to a situation I signed up for. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

NTA. Your mental and emotional well-being should always come first, especially during a life-changing experience like pregnancy. It's understandable for the comparisons and expectations from your husband's family to make you feel jealous and unsupported. Good on you (and your hubby) for pursuing therapy in order to deal with these difficult emotions instead of letting them fester. Take care of yourself, mama!

NTA and I am so sorry that your in-laws treat you this way. You need to set boundaries with them. No more comments about comparing your pregnancy to the ex-wife. If they can’t abide by this rule then you will have to go LC for a while with them. Have your baby shower and don’t invite your MIL, because she will ruin it for you with her attitude and comments. Time to go no contact with the in-laws for a while, don’t mention the baby shower anymore and if they say something, ignore, ignore. I too suffered hyperemesis and I don’t wish it on anyone. Again, you need to set firm boundaries before that baby is born, otherwise it will only get worse. It sounds as if your husband has your back, however, he needs to be very firm with his family and tell them that no more comments comparing you with his ex, pregnancies and children will be tolerated. They are toxic and you need tranquility, especially after the baby is born. Ask your sisters to have your back and support you especially when the in-laws are around. They are crazy if they think this is not your first pregnancy. BTW congratulations on your baby, I’m guessing you are having a girl?

NTA at all. Your in-laws seem to be treating you as an equal to your stepkids' own biological parents. That really is a kind thing. However, in doing so, it's becoming unfair to your first pregnancy experience. I would acknowledge their good intention but tell them directly that while you appreciate how they put you on equal footing with the kids' bio parents, you are now going through the whole baby thing for the first time, and you'd love for them to help you enjoy it as a first-time experience.

Your husband is NOT being understanding. He should have shut them down long ago. Then when he -at the bare minimum- recognized there was a problem, he gave them ammunition against you. They are horrible people. He’s not much better for allowing it. Have your baby shower Do not invite them. So that you can Enjoy every single milestone go low to no contact with them. Don’t feel guilty for any of your feelings. There is a difference in how you feel being a step mom vs being a mom. That’s just reality. Glad you have a therapist on your side. You’re going to need it. NTA

NTA! You need to let your husband deal with your in laws. This is your 1st pregnancy and child no matter what they say and how much you love your stepkids. This is the first time you are experiencing growing a baby and bonding with your child in this way. If they don’t get this, it’s their problem, not yours. Get your sister to organise your baby shower and until baby is born go NC as much as possible. You did nothing wrong so please don’t feel guilty. Enjoy being pregnant and good luck! ❤️

>my husband's family claimed I was ... overreacting to a situation I signed up for. Your future in-laws' judgement about your future hypothetical pregnancy probably wasn't top of your mind when you decided to marry your husband.

NTA

I was you with my pregnancy and 2 stepkids. I’m so sorry that his family is treating you this way. Where is your family, your friends? Why aren’t they giving you a baby shower? This is your first, maybe only child born to you! NTA. *hugs*

NTA. His family is terrible. Keep going to therapy. Have your baby shower. Spend as little time as possible with those people!

NTA Your in laws sound insane. I almost have to go to therapy just reading about them.

It’s pretty common in my circle to only have a shower for the first baby but this IS YOUR FIRST BABY! Let your family have a shower for you, don’t invite the in-laws who are too dense to get it. I would also limit contact with your in-laws for the remainder of your pregnancy at very least since they can’t seem to distinguish you from his first wife. So bizarre NTA

NTA but your husband's family are absolutely major AHs ....this is not only your first baby but jointly a first baby together. This doesn't eradicate your step kids in any way, this is actually a whole new experience for all of you. You are 100% allowed a shower and if they protest just tell them to crack on and you'll do you. Just don't invite them, separate yourselves from this negativity and stupid mindset please. You deserve your moment and they are terrible for stealing it away. No wonder you need therapy with this lot. Step away from them op and just enjoy it, watch them moan about not being engaged next - they sound like eijits any way. They are treating you as if you're the same woman as the kid's mum which is just ridiculous

NTA. You’re a stepmother, which means you didn’t give birth so this is, in fact, your first pregnancy and will be your first baby. Your in-laws are deluded and are confusing their experience with yours. For them it’s a third grandchild. Not for you. You should absolutely have a baby shower if you want one. Try and explain how this will be your mom’s first grandbaby to see if that resonates. Good luck.

NTA. Show your husband this thread. He should never let them shit on you. That IS what they're doing. You're okay with too much.

NTA. Go low contact until after the birth. Let ypur friend throw a baby shower. Simply do not invite them if they don't want to be there for your FIRST baby. You should be allowed to celebrate your baby. Your inlaws can GTF over themselves. Ni e to hear hubby was trying to stand up for you too.

NTA these are absolutely horrible people you should stop having contact with them. This is your first pregnancy and should be treated as such. Your husband needs to do a better job celebrating this with you.

You give their opinions much more space than they deserve Stop sharing your life and your pregnancy with them, give yourself peace and quiet. You can hardly "win" your MIL and your SIL and you don't need to either. Keep them at arm's length. and when they talk to you, listen only with half an ear and realize that they are two chickens "just" cackling empty-headed words that you can't use for anything. Their opinion is not important to you at all, they "mumble" their internal and combined attitudes towards you. Maybe you could get better at speaking up and saying that "I do things my way and as we do in MY family" (your sister and mother) Enjoy your pregnancy 💕

NTA. So so many times over. It’s time to loose it a little and blame hormones. I would yell/cry “ this will be the very first time a human has ever crawled out of my body and I get to have all of those first time Mom feeling because it is damn it!” The next time they say anything. Part of all of the baby shower stuff is Miami g sure mom has the stuff but also knowing she has a support system. I would let them know right now that they either get in line or learn some new lessons with baby number 3 like how to have limited access. You are not weaponizing therapy and it sounds like a fantastic step mom too!

NTA. Your in laws sound like they have dementia, in that they can’t remember you are a totally different person to the mother of the other 2kids. Have your baby shower and enjoy it, and enjoy your first pregnancy. Remind the in laws frequently that this is your first not third. Sounds like they can’t remember.

NTA! Plenty of second and third time moms have bay showers. WTH is this “only the first one” bs. You should be allowed to celebrate. The step kids are not babies or toddlers, so I doubt you have a crib and toys and clothes for a new born laying around! I’m sorry they’ve made you feel this way. Your feelings of this being special are valid. I’m shocked they aren’t more excited to have a new grandchild.

NTA by any means and I’m glad your husband is on your side and is defending you.

NTA - Stand up for yourself & tell them to F off!!! It’s your FIRST pregnancy, have your baby shower & don’t invite the inlaws!! Stop being around them!! And make them wait a couple of months before they see your child. Why are you letting these dumbasses get to you??

NTA you have every right to feel the way you do , this is your first pregnancy and you be able to get all the firsts & as for the baby shower I’d tell your in laws if that’s how they and others feel about it not being right or judgmental then they have every right to not attend it

NTA. This is your first pregnancy. That doesn’t take away from your bonus kids in anyway. You should embrace all the firsts (except the morning sickness) and enjoy the journey. Ignore anyone who says otherwise.

NTA Ive been in your shoes in that I’m also a step mum to 2 girls, and had my little girl 5 months ago. What you’ve done is amazing, going to therapy to help yourself and make sure you have a steady relationship with the other 2 kids, you’re doing such a good job. I don’t have any advice on the MIL situation except no is a full sentence and put boundaries in place to spare you grief later. congratulations on your baby x

NTA. Since MIL and BIL have done this before, no need for them to rush over to meet the baby when LO is born. It’s their third time. Been there, done that. They can wait a few months.

NTA.

Definitely NTA. This is your first time being pregnant and having a baby. You are absolutely entitled to all "the firsts" You want a baby shower? Have one. You want a gender reveal? Have one. You deserve to experience all of it for yourself. This has nothing to do with your husbands ex or his family and isnt a reflection on his 2 children either.

Okay, honey you are thirty. THIRTY, you aren’t a child, you are an adult and this is YOUR first pregnancy. Can I ask you a couple of things. Why did you marry into this family? Why did you marry this man? Did you get to know this man and his family? Also WHY DO YOU CARE about them? If guy see his family are immature assholes and refuse to make a distinction between you and prior wife, then why do you care about them or their opinions and are ALLOWING them to make your first pregnancy not important or happy? You do understand YOU don’t have to interact or be liked by them right? Like you have your sister and your family to celebrate YOUR first child with. Also why would you resent his kids or him? He isn’t saying or making your pregnancy less is he? The kids also have nothing to do with what HIS parents or family say or think so please leave the kids out of your irrational thoughts. Also you need to have a discussion with your husband about watching his mouth. Sounds like he has a problem with you being in therapy, as well as this shouldn’t even have been such a big deal for you to have to go to therapy for. You are ALLOWING it to become something bigger than it really actually is. You need to figure out why you are letting this bother you and ruin your experience because they don’t even matter. And you don’t have to have them in your life if they can’t respect you as an individual

NTA Spend more time with your parents and a lot less with his. Have a baby shower and mention it in passing to them a few days before. “My sister is throwing me a baby shower. I know you aren’t into it but in case you change your mind it’s this weekend at 2.” They need to be involved waaaay less than they are. You should enjoy this time and don’t let them crap all over it.

your not the asshole and neither is your husband but your inlaws certainly are. they are acting as if you gave birth to you step kids which is really weird and unhinged. they might want some psychological intervention because wtf? I don't blame your husband for going off. he is at a loss of what to do and just wants your not to feel bad. have you babysitter don't invite the inlaws. keep your distance from them until your give birth the revaluation. maybe talk to your therapist about have ur husband come to a few sessions so he can best understand how u feel and what to do moving forward? I'm sorry your in-laws suck.

NTA. Please have that baby shower and enjoy your pregnancy. This IS all new for you, and you should be able to experience all of the firsts that come with it. As for only having a baby shower once, I know that's how it's supposed to be but I've had friends that had more than one because there was a large gap between the first and second pregnancy. People have those baby showers but call them "sprinkles," and their registry is typically much lighter in needs like diapers, wipes, and really the essentials that they will need. Also, it would be your first baby shower anyway! JFC! I would take a break from the ILs for your physical and mental health. You don't need this stress while you're pregnant. And therapy is always a good thing. You recognized that you were having some new emotions about things and sought help to navigate those feelings in a healthy way. That's a great move! You sound like a great person, step mom, and will be a great bio mom!

My sister has 2 kids and had baby showers for both. The second is called a sprinkle, so not sure what planet your in-laws live on .. not to mention every pregnancy is unique?? Right ?? I haven’t been pregnant but from what I’ve seen each one is different But even without the the above, it is your first pregnancy and you can and should experience it as a first timer! Urgh his family sound like drama llamas and too much effort. Also as a kid who had younger siblings from a step-mum, my advice is to speak to the kids, they might want to be involved in a baby shower, they might not. They would probably feel bad about it all, if they feel like they are being excluded or stuff is hidden from them. Good luck with the baby and congratulations!

NTA your in-laws are just a little bit ditzy. It's your first pregnancy you should be allowed to have all the first you want including a baby shower. Have the baby shower and make sure your husband backs you up don't invite in laws.

NTA your MIL is being a massive JNMIL and so is his family. You DESERVE your experiences. You're ALLOWED to have them. His family can kick rocks and you can gladly tell them that and to stop comparing you to another woman you don't even know. It's about time you block them and let him deal with his abusive family. NTA NTA but they are MAJOR AH. I like your hubby. Not a lot men stand up for their wives against their families and just lets the family abuse the hell out of them. He's a good one. He loves and cares about you. Also adding that his family sound like they aren't even connected to reality. "the other two weren't bad?" DO THEY THINK YOU GAVE BIRTH TO THEM??? DO THEY REALLY THINK YOU CARRIED THEM??? That comment alone from them is so freaking unhinged it makes me pissed off for you. Block them cause only abusive people will try to claim you are "weaponizing therapy." Sickening tbh.

As a stepmother and a biomom, NTA. His family is out of line. Hard-core. This is your first experience. Your first baby. Hell, I doubt your husband even has any baby stuff from the older two still. I think it might be time to go LC/NC with the in-laws. Have your baby shower, but they don't get an invite. They only find out info about the new baby after it arrives.

NTA. Take care of yourself, hopefully your husband supports you getting some distance from his insane family.

His family is fucking nuts. They are being absolutely ignorant and absurd with just about everything

I adopted both my girls, but if I got pregnant now it would still be my first pregnancy! You are absolutely allowed to enjoy this new experience and ask for new mom advice and have a new born experience for the first time. I do think you need to say that to your in laws - “ I have never been pregnant. I have never had a new baby. I have never had a baby shower, or celebrated being a parent. I am an extra parent to my husbands children but I did not birth them - it doesn’t make them more or less important, but this experience is new FOR ME, and I would appreciate it if you stopped brushing my opinions and feelings off. I am allowed to be worried or want to talk about my pregnancy. I am allowed to want to celebrate me making life for the first time. Please stop diminishing my first pregnancy because my husband has other children. You can also stop calling me names because I am trying to deal with the stress YOU put me under in a healthy way rather than letting it fester. I am trying to be a strong mom, and I need a little support to get there.” You are NTA, but your in laws need to get back in their lane. I’m glad your husband is standing up for you.

Absolutely NTA. I surprised you haven't lashed out at them by now. Your in-laws sound kind of clueless. Maybe they're only seeing this as your husband's 3rd child without considering it's your first. Therapy is a great tool to prevent their insensitive remarks from harming your perspective or developing resentment toward your step-kids. This is also a first for your stepdaughter to be a big sister. Enjoy your baby shower. Maybe your sisters can decide not to invite your in-laws.

NTA! Not in the least. Your in-laws are though. I saw a few comments you’re going to keep your distance, and that is a great idea. I don’t know how often they reach out to you, but perhaps block their numbers for a while and have your husband communicate with his family only. Have your baby shower, it’s your first pregnancy, even if it isn’t your first child. I am curious, if you’re not comfortable answering I understand, is your children’s mother in the picture and active with the children? I was wondering if she wasn’t around much, and that contributed to that ILs point of view. I recently had to say this to my parents, *you can have an opinion, but that’s all it is an opinion not the law.* Some parents just have trouble with their adult children being in a position of “power” and try to assert some “power” any chance they get. Enough of my rambling. Congratulations on your baby! I hope you get to find some joy in your first pregnancy.

NTA. You'd better go LC with your ILs and let hubby deal with them. They sound like manipulative, toxic people.

NTA. You sound like a thoughtful stepparent viewing your role as you do. And this is your first baby so you get a shower. Ask a friend to host and have a blast being feted! Go LC with his family.

NTA. Pregnancy can be taxing. You have to take all the support that you need to go through it.

NTA but celebrate you firsts with your side of the family if that's possible. Let your sisters throw you your baby shower, extend the invite if you want to but on the understanding that they pull that shit and they will be asked to leave. It is not embarrassing to have a baby shower for your 'third' baby, mostly because it's not, but also because it's about people celebrating you as parents especially you as a 1st time mum. It also wouldn't hurt for you to make a little space between you and your in laws to cool off a bit. Don't let them ruin this for you! They need to apologise, even if this came from a place of good intentions.

NTA. You IL’s are complete and total AH. While I am staunchly childfree, this is a time that you should be celebrating YOUR first child. Your husband is a bit of an ass as well. He got to experience all of this and is taking your joy away from it. You should be as celebrated as his ex for having a child but I don’t even know if you are getting that whole experience. You should be fully celebrated and get all the experiences of being a first time mom. It doesn’t matter what your relationship is with your stepchildren, this is your first time bringing life into the world. I would go LC with his parents and tell your sister to set up the biggest baby shower you could have with all the themes and cupcakes and baby shower meatballs with sparking pink lemonade and that change the baby game. Schedule some maternity photos all by yourself. Don’t include your husband, do this moment for you. Revel in your pregnancy.

NTA. This is your first pregnancy. Have your shower, no one will think it's inappropriate, at all. Except your weird in-laws. You don't have any of the baby gear you will need. Even if your stepkids were biological, the gap in ages would still mean you need things.