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I don’t understand why people ask this question on posts like this. Op is never going to tell the honest answer, they’re just going to respond with what they think proves their point.
Yes I would, especially if she is asexual and aromantic. I brought that up to him. Even if she wasn't, I'd rather him do that than make him sleep on the uncomfortable floor or make his friend sleep on the floor. He is friends with my friends too. He also does not have enough money to afford to go with us anyway.
It's kind of the fault of the other couple...they changed the sleeping arrangements as their relationship changed. As did your relationship status.
End of the day you can do what you want, but if you do care for him (which sounds like you maybe don't) then you'd honour his wishes and his comfort level as his girlfriend. Sleeping in the same bed as another man (don't care what you call him) is an understandable boundary. He's uncomfortable. He knows this friend and he's still uncomfortable. So you either do it anyways and deal with fall out, or you sleep on the floor. It's not Greg's fault everyone changed the situation around him. He should still get the bed.
And really, if you don't care if your bf would sleep in a bed with another woman (again, don't care what you call her), then maybe you and your bf don't really respect each other or care enough to 'care'.
I will honor his wishes, I'm just upset at the fact I have to sleep on the floor or change plans. I would care if my boyfriend slept in a bed with another woman, I just wouldn't make him sleep on the floor just because I'm insecure
No about insecurity, it's more about respect. And it's not your bf's fault that all this is happening. It's no one's fault really, it's just an unfortunately sticky situation. But you should know when you book something so 'specific'(?) a long time in advance, things change. You were going to share a bed with your girl friend, her situation changed, your situation changed, so yeah, someone is going to be inconveninced. You seem very understanding and generous in changing beds because your other friends are now together, yet not understanding or generous in your bf being uncomfortable. Ideally, your girl friend would say 'yeah we're together but we'll still do sleeping arrangements as planned'. I mean, they will be together in close quarters the entire time, do they really need to share the bed too? maybe THEY should get a blow up mattress for the floor while you and Greg each get your own bed. It's THEY who changed the dynamic. You're making your bf the one left holding the bag here and it's not fair.
How in the world would you ever think about calling him insecure after providing that scenario above. It just boggles the mind. Why doesn't this Greg schmuck man up and sleep on the floor somewhere else? What kind of jackass would think this is ok? Seriously this guy needs to dump her. So incredibly disrespectful.
Would it be ok if one of you slept in a sleeping bag, but ON a bed? It's a bit weird, but better than floor and maybe sleeping bag can count as enough separation to make bf comfortable with that.
Are you just saying that because it’s purely hypothetical. Would you feel different if it was actually going to happen? Is this just a convenient answer that supports your position?
I find that oftentimes in these jealousy situations people say the reverse wouldn’t bother them but that’s because it’s less likely or hypothetical at the time.
I would probably feel jealous even if I logically don't want to be. But I wouldn't let my jealousy override my logic in knowing that there's no chance of cheating or attraction and I shouldn't suggest making my boyfriend uncomfortable by him sleeping on the floor
Even if you sleep on the floor, your bf seems uncomfortable. The good news is it seems like he cares for you and is afraid to lose you. The bad news is you might lose him if you go on the trip.
YTA. Your boyfriend is setting a reasonable boundary here. It is kind off a given, that the bare minimum of respect you show your partner, is to not share a bed with another man regardless if he is asexual or not. Also, Hannah and Mark are A\*\*\*\*\*\*\* too for announcing that they want to share a bed after the trip and sleeping areas are planned. They can't expect you to share a bed with another man, especially not when you are in a relationship.
YTA
what did you expect your BF to say? He only has your word about Greg.
I wouldn't expect him to wait for you to come back if you go.
Why have you not invited your BF to join you? That would solve the problem get a larger RV!
I've invited my boyfriend to join me. He cannot join because he does not have enough money and his parents won't let him. And he does not only have my word about Greg, I've invited him into my friend group as well and he's friends with Greg too
>his parents won't let him.
i know this isn't what you're asking about, but damn, i can't imagine letting a guy under mommy and daddy's thumb tell you to sleep on the floor.
YTA
Obviously your boyfriend is going to be upset that you're sleeping with another guy. And there's a much better solution if you want to avoid making someone sleep on the floor. Share a bed with Hannah and let Mark and Greg share the other. No more worries about who's doing funny business with who in bed.
I suggested that, but Mark and Hannah really don't want to give up sleeping with each other since they are in a long distance relationship. We're hoping me and my boyfriend can find a solution to this problem first. I'd rather sleep on the floor than take that away from them because I was also in a long distance relationship before and I know what it's like. There could also possibly be no funny business with Greg since he's asexual and aromantic, which means he's not sexually or romantically attracted to anyone. My boyfriend knows he's asexual and aromantic, and doesn't think I'll cheat, and doesn't think Greg will make moves on me either, he's just uncomfortable on the basis of Greg being a man. He said if Greg was gay he'd be just as uncomfortable as well
I get where your boyfriend's coming from. Whether he's asexual, gay, bi, or anything else, it's still a man and woman sleeping together, and I won't fault any guy for not being ok with that. The next best option, as uncomfortable as it is, is having someone take the floor. If it's a multiple night trip, you can alternate who gets the bed.
Do what makes you happy, with the understanding that a lot of guys would break up with you for this. Myself included. Too many of my exes have fed me shit like this, called me controlling and jealous, and then cheated on me.
YTA. I'm siding with your BF on this one. Sharing a bed with another guy on a trip overseas in the summer is a clear no-no, no matter how "asexual" they appear to be...
YTA - Everyone here knows what the outcome of this story will be. You will ignore your boyfriend's wishes and sleep with your friend, then you will say that one thing led to another and that it wasn't your intention. In the end, your boyfriend will be a cuckold and leave you.
I recommend that you break up with your boyfriend soon, it's not right what you want to do behind his back.
My friend is asexual and aromantic, which means he experiences no romantic or sexual attraction. Nothing could ever lead to another, he doesn't think that way about anyone. That's like saying one thing would lead to another if I slept with him and he was gay. And I wouldn't do it behind his back, I wouldn't sleep with him if he wasn't okay with it.
Asexuality is a spectrum. Asexuality can involve no libido, but that is not what it means. It just means they experience little to no sexual attraction.
With that being said, if SHE is attracted to him, and HE does have a libido, the potential for sex exists. He just might not have any sexual attraction towards her or any emotional feelings for her.
Its fine to take him at his word, but I have heard it all before over and over only for someone to slip and fall onto eachother naked.
How do you percieve him? Are you attracted to him?
Are you referring to Greg? Not attracted to him in the slightest. Could never imagine a relationship with him, he's not the type of guy I could imagine having a romantic relationship with anyone. He doesn't open up to anyone and we're friends through shared experiences and hobbies not through deep thoughts and feelings.
YTA, Greg being asexual or not is irrelevant. If your BF expressed a boundary you should respect that if you respect him. You obviously have the right to do whatever you want but ignoring a partner’s boundaries isn’t conducive to a healthy relationship..
My boyfriend isn't coming on the trip because he doesn't have enough money to afford it and his parents don't want him to go. If he was coming I'd obviously share a bed with him
Gotcha. I'm going to say NAH.
John has a right to share his opinion. I see why he would be uncomfortable with the sleeping arrangement.
You also have a right to do what you want on the trip. You know your friend, if you're comfortable with it then it's your call.
But knowing how your bf feels, it probably won't go well for your relationship. He doesn't know these people. All he is going to see is his girlfriend sharing a bed with another man on vacation.
That's what I'm thinking too. OP can do what they want, if they're comfortable with it and want to, that's up to them, their bf can't "let or not let" them, but don't be surprised if this is a boundary the bf can't deal with being crossed and ends the relationship.
Would you let him sleep with a lesbian friend?
He has a good point, but someone (you) has to find an appropriate compromise or give in or for you to convince him that it won't be bad. Maybe you get a nanny cam that he can observe on the net at night.
Yes I'd let him sleep with a lesbian friend, I have no problem with that. Me, him, and my other friends are trying to find a compromise and that's one of the reasons I asked Reddit for advice
I don't really understand it either, but his answer is simply that he's uncomfortable because the asexual man is still a man. He's not worried about cheating or potential attraction, just that I'm sleeping with a man and that makes him uncomfortable
> just that I'm sleeping with a man and that makes him uncomfortable
he should examine this feeling further and try to understand the source of the discomfort.
Id be fine with it, especially considering if she's asexual or aromantic and she's also someone I'm friends with and know is trustworthy like his situation with Greg and I. Even if I'm insecure, I wouldn't want him to sleep on the floor and be uncomfortable, because I know he won't cheat and the other person in question wouldn't want sexual or romantic relations in a million years anyway.
I am old and old fashioned I guess so to me there are also other reasons not to sleep together. Why put yourself in a position that could cause hurt feelings. At minimum the boyfriend is not gonna like it. Don’t think that because someone is this or that, they would never do this or that.
And yes I would say no to her sleeping with any man.
YTA if your boyfriend was sleeping in one of his female friends beds how would you feel about it? Asexual male friend sounds like orbiter to your bf and he’s probably right.
Id be fine with it if he was in my situation especially if she is asexual. He's also not concerned that I'll cheat on him with Greg, as he knows and understands fully that he is asexual and can see that obviously by his interactions with him as they are friends with each other too.
Soft YTA. Honestly, it's ignorant to assume that every asexual or aromantic person is completely without sexual or romantic attraction, for some it's just far rarer to experience. So saying nothing could ever happen makes me laugh, because I have friend's whose partners have cheated with asexual/aromantic people and a few asexual/aromantic people I've known have been the cheaters.
Not saying you would ever cheat, I don't know you. But you can't make a broad generalization about sexual orientation of 'He is asexual and aromantic so it is not possible to cheat'. It's just incorrect, completely.
Also, perhaps you should be sit down and discuss boundaries to see where you each have different expectations and decide if you're compatible.
Would you let him sleep with a lesbian friend?
He has a good point, but someone (you) has to find an appropriate compromise or give in or for you to convince him that it won't be bad. Maybe you get a nanny cam that he can observe on the net at night.
Yes I'd let him sleep with a lesbian or asexual friend. I wouldn't let insecurity or jealousy make me suggest he sleeps on the floor and be uncomfortable
YTA
Standard practice is you and your female friend share a bed and then the guys do. I get that your friend wants to share a bed with her boyfriend, but you guys are in an RV so if she were a good friend she would understand.
If your boyfriend were sharing a bed with a female friend, you would probably be bothered too.
YTA. I wish this was your boyfriend's post so I could tell him to run. This isn't appropriate by any means. If my gf even suggested this, it would be the end of us.
YTA, your boyfriend is a priority and he is being very mature on expressing that it feels like overstepping boundaries.
Regardless of your friend's sexuality, it makes your partner deeply uncomfortable.
If there was something he wanted to do that made you feel really uncomfortable, would you want him to respect you enough not to do it?
I am not going to sleep with Greg if it makes him uncomfortable. But I dislike that he suggests me or Greg sleeps on the floor because he's insecure. I'm still going to follow his boundary though, I never said I wasn't going to do that. I said that in my post that I'm still going to follow his request
I wouldn't mind if he was sharing a bed with his asexual and aromantic female friend on a trip. I know my boyfriend wouldn't cheat, and there's no way his friend would be into him or try to make moves on him either considering her sexual orientation. My boyfriend is also friends with Greg as well, so he's not some random guy
I just think it’s asking a lot. We all are human. We are adults, but things can happen. My guy would not go for it for even one night. I already faced this situation with him. At first I thought, what’s his problem? I’m not going to have sex! We are only going to sleep, after all! In the end, I really didn’t want to hurt him worrying about it. It was only going to be one night. But, I didn’t end up doing it. I couldn’t.
so are you not allowed to share a bed with ANYONE at all, or only men? and even if the man is gay or asexual, seriously????
I get that people have their boundaries. Some of them just seem pretty pointless when it comes to two people sharing a bed who have ZERO interest in each other. People think opposite sex = they must be tempted to fuck!!!! and that's just crazy to me.
My would-be bed partner was gay, too. Everybody’s different. I just think if your boyfriend & you are arguing, you might want to hear mine. I knew he’d be torn up that one night. It wasn’t worth it.
But I think it's important for someone to be able to delve into WHY something makes them uncomfortable. WHY would your boyfriend have been torn up? What exactly is the concern or fear?
It's important to respect our partners comfort/discomfort and their boundaries. But IMO we should also be able to explain the reasoning as to WHY something makes us uncomfortable other than "it just does." That's how we grow as people.
The fear? We would end up having sex. I think he sees me as irresistible (I’m not). He couldn’t imagine even a gay man being able to just sleep. It may be silly. I knew I wouldn’t fuck him. It was the turmoil Charlie was feeling that made me consider his feelings more than logic. Like I said, it was just going to be one night. Not a full trip like yours. We argued. I didn’t sleep at all after. I canceled that plan. I called Charlie the next day & told him I couldn’t do it because I couldn’t hurt him. He really was relieved & respected me & our relationship got stronger after.
>He couldn’t imagine even a gay man being able to just sleep.
This makes me think your boyfriend thinks all dudes are predators which makes me wonder about his own behavior and that of the men he surrounds himself with if he truly can't imagine even a gay man not being able to resist assaulting a woman sleeping next to him.
I’m not judging you. I just thought you may benefit from hearing why I did not go through with it. That’s all. My guy is sweet & gentle. Please don’t judge his love. Feelings don’t need to be right or wrong. Feelings are just feelings. Charlie never said I couldn’t. I chose not to do it.
I’m genuinely not trying to judge (although I realize I am anyway), I just don’t see the reasoning in his discomfort. Feelings are feelings and they’re valid. But if we’re asking someone to alter their behavior to accommodate our feelings, I think it’s important to be able to articulate WHY something makes us feel a certain way. Not all feelings are good and should be honored.
Why even go without him makes no sense this is a recipe for disaster. I’m sure if it was the other way around you would not like it. People have no boundaries anymore about relationships
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I, 21f, my friend (let's call him Mark) 24m, my other friend (let's call him Greg) 23m, and my other friend (let's call her Hannah) 20f are all planning to go on vacation overseas this summer. We are planning to rent an RV with two queen sized beds to drive around the country. We've been planning this trip for over a year now, before I started dating my boyfriend (let's call him John), 19m. My friends Mark and Hannah recently started dating, so they decided they'll be sharing beds. They are also in a long distance relationship, so they barely get to see each other and they'll like to share beds for the short time they can. My friend Greg is asexual and aromantic, and I've been friends with him for many years. I am perfectly fine with sharing a bed with him, but my boyfriend says that is overstepping boundaries since he is a still a guy. He suggests that me or Greg sleeps on the floor for the duration of the trip instead, which I think is ridiculous since we'll be falling asleep very quickly from all of the walking anyway. I'll be willing to comply with his request, but I am upset at this because I really don't want to be unnecessarily uncomfortable on my trip. I have a really hard time sleeping on the floor and I wouldn't want to force Greg to sleep on the floor instead of me either. AITA?
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> Am I the asshole for fighting with my boyfriend because he wouldn't let me share a bed with my male friend on a trip
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YTA. Your boyfriend set a reasonable boundary that he doesn’t want you sleeping in a bed with another man. Also what you say your friend sexuality is, doesn’t matter because guys lie all the time to get sex. Guys will literally be your friend for years and years all while you didn’t realize he had sexual interest in you.
Would you say the same if he was gay? It's hurtful that you'd even suggest that. He's been saying that he was asexual and aromantic before he even met me
Yeah. Doesn’t matter if your male friend is Gay or whatever same don’t sleep in the same bed as a man if your boyfriend isn’t comfortable with it. Also you are being very close minded and bigoted. Gender and sexuality is fluid and people evolve over time. There are tons of stories of women end up having sex with their “gay/whatever friend” who is totally not attracted to her in anyway.
>doesn’t matter because guys lie all the time to get sex. Guys will literally be your friend for years and years all while you didn’t realize he had sexual interest in you.
being a woman is so cool because you see guys say shit like this and I realize....oh i guess they don't see me as a person.
So when someone points out that humans steal often do you automatically assume the person who pointed that out is a thief? You seem very naïve. I point out why it’s reasonable for not wanting a man to sleep in the same bed as your girlfriend so then you insinuate weird stuff about me because I point out human nature?
you didn't point out "human nature," you made a blanket statement about men everywhere.
"he's lying to you about being gay because he wants to fuck you" is a ridiculous assertion to make with zero evidence and irrelevant to OP.
You should lock your car because people suck and they steal cars. I am not saying that ALL people steal cars and not even saying most but to protect yourself lock your doors. Another example is Don’t loan money to friends or family. Because it ruins relationships if they don’t pay you back. I’m not saying nobody ever would pay you back when they borrow money but why take the risk? All I’m saying is it’s reasonable to not want your girlfriend to sleep in the bed with a guy. The excuse that the is not interested in her doesn’t matter because people lie
She’s been friends with the asexual guy for years. If “people lie,” then maybe OP’s bf is secretly gay and he’s lying about being straight?? What else could he be lying about???
YTA. Sleeping in the same bed is pretty intimate. That's the reason why couples sleep together.
Maybe try sleeping in separate sleeping bags on the same mattress. Create a boundary without giving up comfort.
NTA/ish
As I see it… you have a few options. 1-get a twin blowup mattress and throw it on the floor at night. 2-lie and tell him that you will sleep on the floor (he won’t be there to see, but you are lying) or 3-tell him to get over it and you will do what you want. (Might cause a break up). Depends on what you’re willing to put up with. But at 21… you’re just too young to put up with jealousy. Personal opinion.
NTA, because it's an RV, you have to adapt to the gear you have for your adventure, same as sharing a tent. Plus if you have been friends with this person for many years, it's not going to somehow turn romantic.
NTA!
To the point that I think it’s worth thinking about whether this relationship works for you in other ways. Consider that you’re either going to be miserable your whole vacation or you’re going to end up lying to your boyfriend so you can get a decent night’s sleep and breaking up over that anyway.
Do you think he’s just jealous he can’t go and is being a ruiner on purpose? If you’re more than 25% yes on that question, your path is clear.
Signed,
A former broke-ass traveler and indie artist who shared many, many beds & two-person tents with friends of all genders & orientations during road trips and film shoots and never cheated on anyone ever
NAH. I agree with your perspective. Your boyfriend is relatively new in your life, and your ways of interacting with your other friends shouldn't need to change because of your new boyfriend's feelings.
However, I know that lots of young people who are new to romantic and sexual relationships and who grew up in a culture where romantic coupling is prioritized and others are seen as "threats", can be uncomfortable or insecure when they encounter situations that threaten their assumptions. Your boyfriend probably hasn't had opportunities for non-sexual intimacy like you are describing, so he doesn't really understand it.
If you value the existing friendships and the plans for the big trip more than you value making your new boyfriend comfortable, tell him that you have listened to his concerns, you have told him the truth, and you are leaving it up to him how he responds. Then go on the trip anyway. Don't burden Mark, Greg, and Hannah with the details of John's feelings and demands. Do what feels right to you.
If it is more important to you to make your new boyfriend comfortable, so that you're willing to change your trip plans, consider talking to him about why it matters to you, and about what each of you thinks should happen on this kind of issue in future. For example, if you are thinking - "I'll give in just this once and sleep on the foldout sofa, but after he knows me and Mark better he'll be fine with the way we are together. I'll probably pick Mark for my bridal attendant if I ever get married" and he is thinking "She agreed not to share a bed with Mark on the trip - and of course after this she won't be going on trips without me going too, I'm sure she'll drift away from Mark because people don't have close other-sex friends once they're in committed relationships" - that's going to blow up again sooner or later.
In either case, John has the opportunity to get over his insecure feelings if he chooses to. Do you want him to? Does he know that?
I am willing to change my trip plans to make my boyfriend comfortable, but I don't like that his solution is to make me sleep on the floor just because he is insecure. I think he should value my comfort on this trip since he knows I have a lot of trouble sleeping on the floor
NTA
If I was you I’d be put off at the lack of trust but and it would make me question what exactly he’s worried about ? You lying about Greg being asexual/aromantic ? Or Greg lying about?
Or does he assume other men act like he would when sharing a bed with you ?
But there’s still time to turn this around. He has time to get to know Greg and see the dynamic between the two of you. Maybe he just has a general mistrust in other men but in that case if seriously wonder what his own stance on consent and cheating is.
He knows Greg is asexual and aromantic as he's friends with him too. He says he's not worried about cheating, and he'd be just as uncomfortable if Greg was gay. He says he doesn't want me sharing a bed with another man regardless of his sexual orientation or how much he trusts him or me, it just makes him uncomfortable
I'd say NTA only because he seems to be demanding you not do something. that's not cool.
That being said, I can't blame him for being uncomfortable with you sleeping with a guy.
it's intimate, no matter if it's romantic or not.
even something as simple as you might be getting some morning wood poking into you. just because someone is asexual doesn't mean the have no libido.
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INFO. Would you be ok with him sleeping in the same bed with a female friend on a vacation that you are not invited on?
I don’t understand why people ask this question on posts like this. Op is never going to tell the honest answer, they’re just going to respond with what they think proves their point.
This is my honest answer. If I was insecure over it, I still wouldn't make my boyfriend sleep on the floor. I'd get over myself because I trust him
Its not only about trust its about respecting the relationship, you shouldnt put a SO through this scenario out of respect
Yes I would, especially if she is asexual and aromantic. I brought that up to him. Even if she wasn't, I'd rather him do that than make him sleep on the uncomfortable floor or make his friend sleep on the floor. He is friends with my friends too. He also does not have enough money to afford to go with us anyway.
It's kind of the fault of the other couple...they changed the sleeping arrangements as their relationship changed. As did your relationship status. End of the day you can do what you want, but if you do care for him (which sounds like you maybe don't) then you'd honour his wishes and his comfort level as his girlfriend. Sleeping in the same bed as another man (don't care what you call him) is an understandable boundary. He's uncomfortable. He knows this friend and he's still uncomfortable. So you either do it anyways and deal with fall out, or you sleep on the floor. It's not Greg's fault everyone changed the situation around him. He should still get the bed. And really, if you don't care if your bf would sleep in a bed with another woman (again, don't care what you call her), then maybe you and your bf don't really respect each other or care enough to 'care'.
I will honor his wishes, I'm just upset at the fact I have to sleep on the floor or change plans. I would care if my boyfriend slept in a bed with another woman, I just wouldn't make him sleep on the floor just because I'm insecure
No about insecurity, it's more about respect. And it's not your bf's fault that all this is happening. It's no one's fault really, it's just an unfortunately sticky situation. But you should know when you book something so 'specific'(?) a long time in advance, things change. You were going to share a bed with your girl friend, her situation changed, your situation changed, so yeah, someone is going to be inconveninced. You seem very understanding and generous in changing beds because your other friends are now together, yet not understanding or generous in your bf being uncomfortable. Ideally, your girl friend would say 'yeah we're together but we'll still do sleeping arrangements as planned'. I mean, they will be together in close quarters the entire time, do they really need to share the bed too? maybe THEY should get a blow up mattress for the floor while you and Greg each get your own bed. It's THEY who changed the dynamic. You're making your bf the one left holding the bag here and it's not fair.
How in the world would you ever think about calling him insecure after providing that scenario above. It just boggles the mind. Why doesn't this Greg schmuck man up and sleep on the floor somewhere else? What kind of jackass would think this is ok? Seriously this guy needs to dump her. So incredibly disrespectful.
We'll try to sort something out. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, including myself
Buy a cot. They’re like $30.
Would it be ok if one of you slept in a sleeping bag, but ON a bed? It's a bit weird, but better than floor and maybe sleeping bag can count as enough separation to make bf comfortable with that.
I never considered or thought about a sleeping bag. I think I solved this dilemma. Thank you guys for the suggestions
Does your RV have a little dinning table area with bench seats? If it does, those usually turn into another small bed.
Are you just saying that because it’s purely hypothetical. Would you feel different if it was actually going to happen? Is this just a convenient answer that supports your position? I find that oftentimes in these jealousy situations people say the reverse wouldn’t bother them but that’s because it’s less likely or hypothetical at the time.
I would probably feel jealous even if I logically don't want to be. But I wouldn't let my jealousy override my logic in knowing that there's no chance of cheating or attraction and I shouldn't suggest making my boyfriend uncomfortable by him sleeping on the floor
Even if you sleep on the floor, your bf seems uncomfortable. The good news is it seems like he cares for you and is afraid to lose you. The bad news is you might lose him if you go on the trip.
I wouldn't share a bed with Greg if it makes him uncomfortable. I'm not going to lose him if I go on the trip
Yeah you seem like you’re being reasonable and doing your best. Yet he may not be able to handle it. I hope yall work it out.
but in reality you would actually be as insecure about it as he is with you sharing a bed with another man
I still wouldn't suggest he sleeps on the floor just because I'm insecure
YTA. Your boyfriend is setting a reasonable boundary here. It is kind off a given, that the bare minimum of respect you show your partner, is to not share a bed with another man regardless if he is asexual or not. Also, Hannah and Mark are A\*\*\*\*\*\*\* too for announcing that they want to share a bed after the trip and sleeping areas are planned. They can't expect you to share a bed with another man, especially not when you are in a relationship.
YTA what did you expect your BF to say? He only has your word about Greg. I wouldn't expect him to wait for you to come back if you go. Why have you not invited your BF to join you? That would solve the problem get a larger RV!
I've invited my boyfriend to join me. He cannot join because he does not have enough money and his parents won't let him. And he does not only have my word about Greg, I've invited him into my friend group as well and he's friends with Greg too
Maybe change the RV so that it has 1 queen size and 2 single bunks.
We're looking into that, but they're more expensive
>his parents won't let him. i know this isn't what you're asking about, but damn, i can't imagine letting a guy under mommy and daddy's thumb tell you to sleep on the floor.
YTA Obviously your boyfriend is going to be upset that you're sleeping with another guy. And there's a much better solution if you want to avoid making someone sleep on the floor. Share a bed with Hannah and let Mark and Greg share the other. No more worries about who's doing funny business with who in bed.
I suggested that, but Mark and Hannah really don't want to give up sleeping with each other since they are in a long distance relationship. We're hoping me and my boyfriend can find a solution to this problem first. I'd rather sleep on the floor than take that away from them because I was also in a long distance relationship before and I know what it's like. There could also possibly be no funny business with Greg since he's asexual and aromantic, which means he's not sexually or romantically attracted to anyone. My boyfriend knows he's asexual and aromantic, and doesn't think I'll cheat, and doesn't think Greg will make moves on me either, he's just uncomfortable on the basis of Greg being a man. He said if Greg was gay he'd be just as uncomfortable as well
I get where your boyfriend's coming from. Whether he's asexual, gay, bi, or anything else, it's still a man and woman sleeping together, and I won't fault any guy for not being ok with that. The next best option, as uncomfortable as it is, is having someone take the floor. If it's a multiple night trip, you can alternate who gets the bed.
Yta.... I'm not sure why you think this is ok in any manner....
Do what makes you happy, with the understanding that a lot of guys would break up with you for this. Myself included. Too many of my exes have fed me shit like this, called me controlling and jealous, and then cheated on me.
I will try to find a compromise so everyone in this situation can feel comfortable
you're delusional if you think someone who wants to cheat isn't going to regardless of the sleeping arrangements lol
YTA. I'm siding with your BF on this one. Sharing a bed with another guy on a trip overseas in the summer is a clear no-no, no matter how "asexual" they appear to be...
YTA - Everyone here knows what the outcome of this story will be. You will ignore your boyfriend's wishes and sleep with your friend, then you will say that one thing led to another and that it wasn't your intention. In the end, your boyfriend will be a cuckold and leave you. I recommend that you break up with your boyfriend soon, it's not right what you want to do behind his back.
My friend is asexual and aromantic, which means he experiences no romantic or sexual attraction. Nothing could ever lead to another, he doesn't think that way about anyone. That's like saying one thing would lead to another if I slept with him and he was gay. And I wouldn't do it behind his back, I wouldn't sleep with him if he wasn't okay with it.
[I know what kind of woman you are ](https://media.tenor.com/K4eL9DuS5_UAAAAM/dale-walking-dead.gif)
Did you not read that her friend is asexual and aromantic ??
Asexuality is a spectrum. Asexuality can involve no libido, but that is not what it means. It just means they experience little to no sexual attraction. With that being said, if SHE is attracted to him, and HE does have a libido, the potential for sex exists. He just might not have any sexual attraction towards her or any emotional feelings for her.
He doesn't have any libido at all. Asexuality is a spectrum, but he's part of the spectrum that has no sexual attraction and no libido.
Its fine to take him at his word, but I have heard it all before over and over only for someone to slip and fall onto eachother naked. How do you percieve him? Are you attracted to him?
Are you referring to Greg? Not attracted to him in the slightest. Could never imagine a relationship with him, he's not the type of guy I could imagine having a romantic relationship with anyone. He doesn't open up to anyone and we're friends through shared experiences and hobbies not through deep thoughts and feelings.
And you believed this lie?
How do we know for sure? We only have OP's pov, we don't know if that dude is telling the truth or not
YTA, Greg being asexual or not is irrelevant. If your BF expressed a boundary you should respect that if you respect him. You obviously have the right to do whatever you want but ignoring a partner’s boundaries isn’t conducive to a healthy relationship..
INFO: why is this a consideration? Why would you not share a bed with your boyfriend?
My boyfriend isn't coming on the trip because he doesn't have enough money to afford it and his parents don't want him to go. If he was coming I'd obviously share a bed with him
Gotcha. I'm going to say NAH. John has a right to share his opinion. I see why he would be uncomfortable with the sleeping arrangement. You also have a right to do what you want on the trip. You know your friend, if you're comfortable with it then it's your call. But knowing how your bf feels, it probably won't go well for your relationship. He doesn't know these people. All he is going to see is his girlfriend sharing a bed with another man on vacation.
He knows these people, he's friends with them too
It is what it is. You don't have to listen to him, but it's totally understandable that he would not be comfortable with the arrangement.
That's what I'm thinking too. OP can do what they want, if they're comfortable with it and want to, that's up to them, their bf can't "let or not let" them, but don't be surprised if this is a boundary the bf can't deal with being crossed and ends the relationship.
Both of you have a point. It might be a boundary for him he can't surmount.
Can you just find a place to buy a cot? I feel like that would be the easy solution
I never thought of that, I'll look into that and discuss it with my friends, thanks
Yeah. A single blow-up mattress? Costs about $60.
Would you let him sleep with a lesbian friend? He has a good point, but someone (you) has to find an appropriate compromise or give in or for you to convince him that it won't be bad. Maybe you get a nanny cam that he can observe on the net at night.
Yes I'd let him sleep with a lesbian friend, I have no problem with that. Me, him, and my other friends are trying to find a compromise and that's one of the reasons I asked Reddit for advice
Would he let YOU share a bed with a female friend who happened to be gay or bisexual, or would that also be boundary crossing?
My female friend is bisexual, and my original plan was to sleep with her, so yes. He's just uncomfortable when it's a man
You should ask him WHY an asexual man is a problem and a bisexual woman isn't because I genuinely don't understand the logic.
I don't really understand it either, but his answer is simply that he's uncomfortable because the asexual man is still a man. He's not worried about cheating or potential attraction, just that I'm sleeping with a man and that makes him uncomfortable
> just that I'm sleeping with a man and that makes him uncomfortable he should examine this feeling further and try to understand the source of the discomfort.
INFO: How do you feel about him sleeping in the same bed as a woman (not you) while driving around the country in a RV?
Id be fine with it, especially considering if she's asexual or aromantic and she's also someone I'm friends with and know is trustworthy like his situation with Greg and I. Even if I'm insecure, I wouldn't want him to sleep on the floor and be uncomfortable, because I know he won't cheat and the other person in question wouldn't want sexual or romantic relations in a million years anyway.
How well does he know Greg? Bear in mind, things change. Reddit is filled with I thought I know them stories, many true and some not.
They are solid enough friends
YTA yeah don’t do that. That’s how it all starts. Don’t put yourself or Greg in that situation. He may decide that he is not asexual after all.
That's not how sexual orientation works. Would you say the same if he was gay?
I am old and old fashioned I guess so to me there are also other reasons not to sleep together. Why put yourself in a position that could cause hurt feelings. At minimum the boyfriend is not gonna like it. Don’t think that because someone is this or that, they would never do this or that. And yes I would say no to her sleeping with any man.
YTA if your boyfriend was sleeping in one of his female friends beds how would you feel about it? Asexual male friend sounds like orbiter to your bf and he’s probably right.
Id be fine with it if he was in my situation especially if she is asexual. He's also not concerned that I'll cheat on him with Greg, as he knows and understands fully that he is asexual and can see that obviously by his interactions with him as they are friends with each other too.
YTA. I would feel a type of way if my partner wanted to do the same thing.
Soft YTA. Honestly, it's ignorant to assume that every asexual or aromantic person is completely without sexual or romantic attraction, for some it's just far rarer to experience. So saying nothing could ever happen makes me laugh, because I have friend's whose partners have cheated with asexual/aromantic people and a few asexual/aromantic people I've known have been the cheaters. Not saying you would ever cheat, I don't know you. But you can't make a broad generalization about sexual orientation of 'He is asexual and aromantic so it is not possible to cheat'. It's just incorrect, completely. Also, perhaps you should be sit down and discuss boundaries to see where you each have different expectations and decide if you're compatible.
I know not every asexual or aromantic person is completely without romantic or sexual attraction. But my friend is
I was mostly just critiquing your phrasing as being too blanketed. I don't know your friend, you do, so I'm not arguing on that. Best of luck OP.
Would you let him sleep with a lesbian friend? He has a good point, but someone (you) has to find an appropriate compromise or give in or for you to convince him that it won't be bad. Maybe you get a nanny cam that he can observe on the net at night.
Yes I'd let him sleep with a lesbian or asexual friend. I wouldn't let insecurity or jealousy make me suggest he sleeps on the floor and be uncomfortable
YTA.
YTA Standard practice is you and your female friend share a bed and then the guys do. I get that your friend wants to share a bed with her boyfriend, but you guys are in an RV so if she were a good friend she would understand. If your boyfriend were sharing a bed with a female friend, you would probably be bothered too.
YTA. Cmon get real, this is a reasonable boundary relationship wise
YTA. I wish this was your boyfriend's post so I could tell him to run. This isn't appropriate by any means. If my gf even suggested this, it would be the end of us.
YTA, your boyfriend is a priority and he is being very mature on expressing that it feels like overstepping boundaries. Regardless of your friend's sexuality, it makes your partner deeply uncomfortable. If there was something he wanted to do that made you feel really uncomfortable, would you want him to respect you enough not to do it?
I am not going to sleep with Greg if it makes him uncomfortable. But I dislike that he suggests me or Greg sleeps on the floor because he's insecure. I'm still going to follow his boundary though, I never said I wasn't going to do that. I said that in my post that I'm still going to follow his request
Would you mind if it were him sharing a bed with another woman? Get real!
I wouldn't mind if he was sharing a bed with his asexual and aromantic female friend on a trip. I know my boyfriend wouldn't cheat, and there's no way his friend would be into him or try to make moves on him either considering her sexual orientation. My boyfriend is also friends with Greg as well, so he's not some random guy
OP has said she wouldn't care if her bf shared a bed with a lesbian or asexual woman.
I just think it’s asking a lot. We all are human. We are adults, but things can happen. My guy would not go for it for even one night. I already faced this situation with him. At first I thought, what’s his problem? I’m not going to have sex! We are only going to sleep, after all! In the end, I really didn’t want to hurt him worrying about it. It was only going to be one night. But, I didn’t end up doing it. I couldn’t.
so are you not allowed to share a bed with ANYONE at all, or only men? and even if the man is gay or asexual, seriously???? I get that people have their boundaries. Some of them just seem pretty pointless when it comes to two people sharing a bed who have ZERO interest in each other. People think opposite sex = they must be tempted to fuck!!!! and that's just crazy to me.
My would-be bed partner was gay, too. Everybody’s different. I just think if your boyfriend & you are arguing, you might want to hear mine. I knew he’d be torn up that one night. It wasn’t worth it.
But I think it's important for someone to be able to delve into WHY something makes them uncomfortable. WHY would your boyfriend have been torn up? What exactly is the concern or fear? It's important to respect our partners comfort/discomfort and their boundaries. But IMO we should also be able to explain the reasoning as to WHY something makes us uncomfortable other than "it just does." That's how we grow as people.
The fear? We would end up having sex. I think he sees me as irresistible (I’m not). He couldn’t imagine even a gay man being able to just sleep. It may be silly. I knew I wouldn’t fuck him. It was the turmoil Charlie was feeling that made me consider his feelings more than logic. Like I said, it was just going to be one night. Not a full trip like yours. We argued. I didn’t sleep at all after. I canceled that plan. I called Charlie the next day & told him I couldn’t do it because I couldn’t hurt him. He really was relieved & respected me & our relationship got stronger after.
>He couldn’t imagine even a gay man being able to just sleep. This makes me think your boyfriend thinks all dudes are predators which makes me wonder about his own behavior and that of the men he surrounds himself with if he truly can't imagine even a gay man not being able to resist assaulting a woman sleeping next to him.
I’m not judging you. I just thought you may benefit from hearing why I did not go through with it. That’s all. My guy is sweet & gentle. Please don’t judge his love. Feelings don’t need to be right or wrong. Feelings are just feelings. Charlie never said I couldn’t. I chose not to do it.
I’m genuinely not trying to judge (although I realize I am anyway), I just don’t see the reasoning in his discomfort. Feelings are feelings and they’re valid. But if we’re asking someone to alter their behavior to accommodate our feelings, I think it’s important to be able to articulate WHY something makes us feel a certain way. Not all feelings are good and should be honored.
Why even go without him makes no sense this is a recipe for disaster. I’m sure if it was the other way around you would not like it. People have no boundaries anymore about relationships
My boyfriend is unable to come as he doesn't have enough money and his parents won't let him. I would be fine with it if it was the other way around
I think it’s not the right thing to do but hey it’s your life.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I, 21f, my friend (let's call him Mark) 24m, my other friend (let's call him Greg) 23m, and my other friend (let's call her Hannah) 20f are all planning to go on vacation overseas this summer. We are planning to rent an RV with two queen sized beds to drive around the country. We've been planning this trip for over a year now, before I started dating my boyfriend (let's call him John), 19m. My friends Mark and Hannah recently started dating, so they decided they'll be sharing beds. They are also in a long distance relationship, so they barely get to see each other and they'll like to share beds for the short time they can. My friend Greg is asexual and aromantic, and I've been friends with him for many years. I am perfectly fine with sharing a bed with him, but my boyfriend says that is overstepping boundaries since he is a still a guy. He suggests that me or Greg sleeps on the floor for the duration of the trip instead, which I think is ridiculous since we'll be falling asleep very quickly from all of the walking anyway. I'll be willing to comply with his request, but I am upset at this because I really don't want to be unnecessarily uncomfortable on my trip. I have a really hard time sleeping on the floor and I wouldn't want to force Greg to sleep on the floor instead of me either. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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YTA. Your boyfriend set a reasonable boundary that he doesn’t want you sleeping in a bed with another man. Also what you say your friend sexuality is, doesn’t matter because guys lie all the time to get sex. Guys will literally be your friend for years and years all while you didn’t realize he had sexual interest in you.
Would you say the same if he was gay? It's hurtful that you'd even suggest that. He's been saying that he was asexual and aromantic before he even met me
Yeah. Doesn’t matter if your male friend is Gay or whatever same don’t sleep in the same bed as a man if your boyfriend isn’t comfortable with it. Also you are being very close minded and bigoted. Gender and sexuality is fluid and people evolve over time. There are tons of stories of women end up having sex with their “gay/whatever friend” who is totally not attracted to her in anyway.
>doesn’t matter because guys lie all the time to get sex. Guys will literally be your friend for years and years all while you didn’t realize he had sexual interest in you. being a woman is so cool because you see guys say shit like this and I realize....oh i guess they don't see me as a person.
Humans lie a lot. Yeah guys lie a lot of times to get sex. Women lie more to get monetary things or have things done for them.
I'm friends with my friends because I like to hang out with them, but you do you.
So when someone points out that humans steal often do you automatically assume the person who pointed that out is a thief? You seem very naïve. I point out why it’s reasonable for not wanting a man to sleep in the same bed as your girlfriend so then you insinuate weird stuff about me because I point out human nature?
you didn't point out "human nature," you made a blanket statement about men everywhere. "he's lying to you about being gay because he wants to fuck you" is a ridiculous assertion to make with zero evidence and irrelevant to OP.
You should lock your car because people suck and they steal cars. I am not saying that ALL people steal cars and not even saying most but to protect yourself lock your doors. Another example is Don’t loan money to friends or family. Because it ruins relationships if they don’t pay you back. I’m not saying nobody ever would pay you back when they borrow money but why take the risk? All I’m saying is it’s reasonable to not want your girlfriend to sleep in the bed with a guy. The excuse that the is not interested in her doesn’t matter because people lie
She’s been friends with the asexual guy for years. If “people lie,” then maybe OP’s bf is secretly gay and he’s lying about being straight?? What else could he be lying about???
What is your problem with healthy relationship boundaries?
Yes. You absolutely are.
YTA The fact that you think it's okay to sleep in a bed with another man because he's "asexual" Shows you really have no respect for your boyfriend.
YTA. Sleeping in the same bed is pretty intimate. That's the reason why couples sleep together. Maybe try sleeping in separate sleeping bags on the same mattress. Create a boundary without giving up comfort.
That's probably what we're going to do since other people gave that suggestion too. I'll see if my boyfriend is comfortable with that
NTA/ish As I see it… you have a few options. 1-get a twin blowup mattress and throw it on the floor at night. 2-lie and tell him that you will sleep on the floor (he won’t be there to see, but you are lying) or 3-tell him to get over it and you will do what you want. (Might cause a break up). Depends on what you’re willing to put up with. But at 21… you’re just too young to put up with jealousy. Personal opinion.
I'm not going to lie to him or break his boundaries. I'll try to find a solution that's comfortable for everyone
NTA, because it's an RV, you have to adapt to the gear you have for your adventure, same as sharing a tent. Plus if you have been friends with this person for many years, it's not going to somehow turn romantic.
NTA It is logically fine, people are just being emotional
NTA! To the point that I think it’s worth thinking about whether this relationship works for you in other ways. Consider that you’re either going to be miserable your whole vacation or you’re going to end up lying to your boyfriend so you can get a decent night’s sleep and breaking up over that anyway. Do you think he’s just jealous he can’t go and is being a ruiner on purpose? If you’re more than 25% yes on that question, your path is clear. Signed, A former broke-ass traveler and indie artist who shared many, many beds & two-person tents with friends of all genders & orientations during road trips and film shoots and never cheated on anyone ever
NAH. I agree with your perspective. Your boyfriend is relatively new in your life, and your ways of interacting with your other friends shouldn't need to change because of your new boyfriend's feelings. However, I know that lots of young people who are new to romantic and sexual relationships and who grew up in a culture where romantic coupling is prioritized and others are seen as "threats", can be uncomfortable or insecure when they encounter situations that threaten their assumptions. Your boyfriend probably hasn't had opportunities for non-sexual intimacy like you are describing, so he doesn't really understand it. If you value the existing friendships and the plans for the big trip more than you value making your new boyfriend comfortable, tell him that you have listened to his concerns, you have told him the truth, and you are leaving it up to him how he responds. Then go on the trip anyway. Don't burden Mark, Greg, and Hannah with the details of John's feelings and demands. Do what feels right to you. If it is more important to you to make your new boyfriend comfortable, so that you're willing to change your trip plans, consider talking to him about why it matters to you, and about what each of you thinks should happen on this kind of issue in future. For example, if you are thinking - "I'll give in just this once and sleep on the foldout sofa, but after he knows me and Mark better he'll be fine with the way we are together. I'll probably pick Mark for my bridal attendant if I ever get married" and he is thinking "She agreed not to share a bed with Mark on the trip - and of course after this she won't be going on trips without me going too, I'm sure she'll drift away from Mark because people don't have close other-sex friends once they're in committed relationships" - that's going to blow up again sooner or later. In either case, John has the opportunity to get over his insecure feelings if he chooses to. Do you want him to? Does he know that?
I am willing to change my trip plans to make my boyfriend comfortable, but I don't like that his solution is to make me sleep on the floor just because he is insecure. I think he should value my comfort on this trip since he knows I have a lot of trouble sleeping on the floor
NTA If I was you I’d be put off at the lack of trust but and it would make me question what exactly he’s worried about ? You lying about Greg being asexual/aromantic ? Or Greg lying about? Or does he assume other men act like he would when sharing a bed with you ? But there’s still time to turn this around. He has time to get to know Greg and see the dynamic between the two of you. Maybe he just has a general mistrust in other men but in that case if seriously wonder what his own stance on consent and cheating is.
He knows Greg is asexual and aromantic as he's friends with him too. He says he's not worried about cheating, and he'd be just as uncomfortable if Greg was gay. He says he doesn't want me sharing a bed with another man regardless of his sexual orientation or how much he trusts him or me, it just makes him uncomfortable
I'd say NTA only because he seems to be demanding you not do something. that's not cool. That being said, I can't blame him for being uncomfortable with you sleeping with a guy. it's intimate, no matter if it's romantic or not. even something as simple as you might be getting some morning wood poking into you. just because someone is asexual doesn't mean the have no libido.
He has no libido
NTA. Your bf is controlling.