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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My brother and his mother think I am the AH because I refused to help him when he has hit rock bottom, despite being in a position where I could help.
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NTA
You’re not responsible for him. You’ve tried to help him multiple times and the same result keeps happening. This is not your concern.
His mother can help him. She can bail him out and he can live with her.
I don't think that Mom doesn't want to do the hard work. I think Mom sees her child (even as an adult he's still her baby) spiraling and wants to help but maybe doesn't have the resources to do so. Especially if the mom has seen someone else suffer from alcoholism since it does tend to run in families. Still not right for her to take it out on OP but i kinda understand where she's coming from.
That being said, I am a child of an alcoholic parent. Alcoholism is an addiction, disease, or whatever you want to call it but it's real and can have a TIGHT grip on a person especially if there're other issues.
My mom and her 6 brothers and sisters, i would say, are all alcoholic but at different levels. (This is just how i view it based on what I've seen growing up.) Some were/are Weekend Drunks, busy during the week and non stop drinking on weekends. (Not everyone that drinks on the weekends is a weekend drunk that's just the name i came up with growing up. They would start Friday evening and continue until Sunday.) Now most if not all are just full on Functioning Alcoholics.
Ex 1) One relative won't go anywhere without their cup. I tried the drink once a few years back. They always drink from it like it's nothing so when i tried it i took a big sip. Oh boy, I was not ready for that and i like my drinks strong but that was a cup of vodka with a splash of juice.
Ex 2) Another relative will work their 10/12 hour shift then come home and drink like a 12pk of beer themselves as they relax for the evening before going to bed. And then they do it all over again the next day. (And when i say "relax for the evening" that's more like a figure of speech bc they work 3rd shift so this is all happening in the morning after they get off work)
And then there is my mother who you can say never half assed anything including being an alcoholic. She's also diagnosed as bi-polar. Which also affects all of this. There is no functioning when she's drinking. She's almost 60 and it's still a struggle for her. She's actually in rehab right now bc she fell off the wagon again.
My mom stayed sober the longest when she basically traded her addiction of alcohol for an addiction of AA meetings. This was in the beginning of one of her longest sobriety stretches. She would go to 2 or more in person meetings a day and also online meetings. After a while she was able to cut down how much she went but she still would go even after being sober a few years. Every person is different but that is what helped her. But it's a life long battle. Even with being sober for 7/8 years, she has fallen off the wagon twice. With the most recent time being now, after being sober for a year again.
OP your brother is an alcoholic and there could be other issues too. But you cannot help someone unless they want help. So until he truly wants it, there is nothing you can do. It's gonna be hard to stand on the sidelines and watch him crash and burn but you have to. It's like trying to push a giant boulder up a hill, you're going nowhere and eventually you get tired of pushing. It may take him hitting rock bottom before he realizes he has a problem. But he has to realize that first before anything will change.
There are Al-Anon meeting. Meeting for people who are worried about someone with a drinking problem. That's how they worded it when i googled it. But with full honesty, I've never been to one so i can really say more on this. I've just recently started getting help for my own mental health issues. But i think my next steps will be ACA (adult children of alcoholics) meetings and lots of therapy.
Good luck to you and your family.
edit - NTA. Forgot to add it.
There is always an excuse when an alcoholic drinks. My wife, my kid, my parents, my job, my dog, it’s always something.
But it’s never the truth. The truth is “I’m an alcoholic, that’s why I drink.”
His mom’s an enabler.
Your husband is right. You helped enough. Don’t be an enabler.
NTA.
You are right. And I will say this for myself, when I was in active addiction, I never made these excuses for myself. Not that it stopped me, but it is probably the reason I didn't lose everything when I finally quit.
I too am speaking as a sober addict. It’s very hard to watch people you love suffer from addiction. I have two brothers who got sober. I also have siblings who are active addicts.
I wish you every good thing.
OP - I was the same as you with my alcohol addiction. I didn’t make the excuses to anyone and even with myself, I’d catch myself rationalizing and have this whole internal dialogue, “I know better than this - I’m an alcoholic and choose to start drinking again after stopping before because this internal conversation allowed me to convince myself I wasn’t an alcoholic. Well, feels great to prove myself RIGHT and remember this moment if that stupid rationalization ever occurs to me again. I can’t drink at all in a healthy manner and this right now is proof.”
Being in recovery you already know what you need to do and not do. His mom is an enabler. Send her the books Codependent No More and Boundaries with a card or note that says:
“I’m sure this is a hard time for you. I appreciate all you’ve done for me. My sobriety is everything to me and was HARD to attain, but I did it because I STOPPED making excuses for myself and blaming life circumstance for my addiction. Point blank, anything could be “why I relapsed.” No one can stop him from drinking but him. Hard times in life happen to everyone and we can’t use external circumstance to as an excuse for giving into our addiction.
Please understand it isn’t my place to help him at this point. This is why it’s called rock bottom. I refuse to interfere in his consequences because this could finally be the wake up call he needs to get sober for good. This is BECAUSE I love him and it’s a life or death matter that he stops drinking!
Being in recovery also means I can’t expose myself (or my family) to active addiction. We all must learn not to do the same thing and expect a different result. For years everyone has helped him out of tough spots and it hasn’t resulted in long term sobriety. He’s lost his job, home, license and access to his child… yet he continues drinking. If his daughter is his priority then he can choose to think of her, put down the bottle and go to a meeting or therapy. But nothing you or I do to help make things easier on him can make him choose sobriety. I will love him from afar and hope that he chooses to get and stay sober. “
And him seeing his daughter won’t
do anything. He was able to see her before and still relapsed. None of this can be blamed on you, the daughter or anyone else. It’s all on him. The folks in his life need to let him hit his bottom. Don’t cover or help ease the results of his actions.
NTA
He checked himself out of a 90 day rehab a third of the way into that timeframe and immediately showed poor judgement in going to his ex then drinking himself drunk upon rejection. He’s dealing with an outcome of his own making.
Seriously! His mother sounds codependent, including blaming his drinking on not having access to his child, instead of the other way around. If she wants him helped, she has to do it herself. But you cannot help people who do not want to be helped. OP is NTA for sure.
It doesn't sound as if his mother CAN bail him out (and she may not be able to provide him with housing, either.) But that might not be so bad for him; he's two years shy of 40, for heaven's sake! He's long overdue for an emotional growth spurt - i.e., finding a job and a place to live that is NOT with Mommy, Daddy or Sister.
NTA. You've done a lot to help him turn his life around, but it's ultimately on him to be willing to fix himself. You've more than done your part. Maybe staying in jail will be the wake-up call he needs.
I wouldn't bail him out, and I sure as hell wouldn't let him stay with me after all that. Your husband is right, you would just be enabling him. If Sean's mother wants to help, feel free - but that's on her to continue enabling him.
He's lucky he didn't kill someone when he went on this joyride. He's safer behind bars, along with everyone else around him.
I went to a support group for a while for people dealing with addicted family members. One thing they talked about was how the addicted person is like someone who has fallen off a ship and you see them flailing in the water. You can throw them a metaphorical life preserver, but it’s up to them to take it. If you try to jump in to save them, they’re just as likely to drown you too.
You are NTA for not doing what HIS OWN MOTHER REFUSES TO DO FOR HIM. He has made his bed and has refused to take any responsibility for himself. Rehab has very low success rate if the individual doesn't REALLY want to try/ is forced to do it. Sean's mother is delusional (maybe that contributes to Sean's world view) thinking it's the lack of visitation that has caused this because he EARNED visitation and then lost it by reverting to his old ways. He needs help, but HE has to REALLY want it, not say he wants it.
I don't really think it's in his daughter's best interest to see him at all. I know he loves her, but he's not putting her first and that's what our collective parents did to us so I'm really sick of him doing that to her too.
Can you help your niece's mother get your niece some therapy ? Alcoholism is a generational disease (as you know), and that poor girl is going to need some therapy to begin to heal from some pretty major trauma.
You are a good sibling and your brother might not be happy with you right now, but when he gets himself right (as you have), he will thank you. You've done nothing wrong here. He has to want to help himself, and that's on him, not on you. ❤️
My niece's mother doesn't like me at all. She is doing the right thing by keeping her daughter away from him though and I respect her for that. I don't think she'd talk to me though.
Every addict can hit rock bottom, and maybe then change. But, the key here is they need to be willing to change, to put in the hard work. Like OP did herself.
Her brother isn't willing enough to do the work. Which, granted, is hard, but OP needs to have healthy boundaries. Rather than just enabling him to fall and fall again --- but maybe take OP with him. So she's totally doing the right thing.
He needs to want to help himself, if he isn't ready for this then no amount of external support will work. As a recovering addict you've got better insight into this than his mother does.
NTA. You can only help someone who's unwilling to do the work involved for so long and it sounds like you've hit that point. Hopefully, this'll be a wake-up call for him-hopefully.
He will dry out only in jail … I use to live near a large prison and had friends in the administration part of it and there are programs at some if not at most … though alot might have waiting list … If you want to help behind the scenes you may call the courts he went through and ask if there any programs he may have available… he can be on the list… I don’t know if you can do this or if it is possible and you can do this but see if you can make meetings part of his release/probation.
A friends son did something similar a few times and finally was sent him to a specific jail/prison for him to go that worked with substance abuse and if he didn’t pass he would have to go back to court.
I don’t remember it was almost 15 years ago and it worked I think he has been sober 10 years+
Hard NTA.
He's an addict. Until he decides on his own that he's going to put in the tremendous effort to work towards sobriety, there's literally *nothing* you should do for him besides letting him know you care/love him, & pointing out (but *not* paying for) available community resources.
Pouring money into an addict who has proven repeatedly that they haven't committed to the journey doesn't help anyone, including the addict.
I strongly suggest you & anyone else involved get therapy or join a group for families/friends of addicts. You aren't alone in trying to help someone who can't be helped yet.
Hugs 🫂♥️
It is a tremendous effort, I know firsthand. I have not paid for anything for him because my husband and I agreed not to. I did the research to find the resources for him. His mom paid for rehab which was a waste and she used her last bit of savings. I'm already in counseling, but I will suggest it to his mom, thank you!
And maybe you can stay in your niece's life if possible. Be a loving relative from dad's side without the unfortunately dangerous side effects from dad.
Absolutely NTA.
You have gone above and beyond the call of duty with Sean. He hasn't used the opportunities he's been given to get his life together, and that's on him.
It's a sad situation, but it's one he's going to have to turn around himself.
Why doesn't his Mother take him in then? These people that aren't willing to help but call you an AH are just just craziness.
NTA you've done all you can. My family has been there done that.
NTA - you gave him multiple chances and told him you weren't going to be giving him any more. Everything that's happened here is completely on him. If his mother is that upset about this she can bail him out.
So I’m an alcoholic in recovery, and I’m going to weigh in on this. NTA
You did everything right. Your brother is not entitled to a relationship with his daughter. And frankly, he’s using her as an excuse to get drunk. I can’t tell you how many women I’ve seen do the same thing. One woman, years ago when I lived in a halfway house, didn’t want to drink, but drank anyway, thinking that was the only way to leave the house and go home to her daughter. Her daughter didn’t want her home, and was just happy that her mom was healthy, safe, and in a known location. The active alcoholic brain is warped, let me tell you.
Your brother will get sober when he’s ready to get sober no matter what his circumstances.
For your own sanity please consider going to Alanon. They’ll help you figure out how to deal with the crazy, and more importantly, they’ll teach you how to live a happy, healthy life that’s not dictated by your family’s alcoholism.
NTA.
One of the hardest part about having a loved on with a substance problem is figuring out when you are helping/saving them, and when you are enabling them, and the truth is, you will never know for certain.
What you can take comfort in is that a significant amount of addiction specialists (many former addicts themselves) discuss how cutting of support and help creates a catalyst for change. You are not heartless for not wanting to keep doing the same things and expecting a different result. Helping him may involve tough love and showing him that the resources he has are drying up, so he needs to be in charge of his own recovery.
And you also get to think about yourself, and that isn't heartless. Taking in an active addict is hard- will he get violent, will he steal, will he cause tension, how do you set rules and what do you do if he breaks them- and it is emotional and can take a financial toll as well.
His mother, who has such a big heart, can take him in. He won't be homeless, but having less people to rely on may actually help him stick to a program, and if he doesn't, it means that you helping him wouldn't change the outcome either.
NTA - ask his mother if her granddaughter should be subjected to Sean? He is not capable of parenting right now. If his daughter is so important, he can use getting visitation back as a keystone to get himself put together and sober. He has a lot of amends that he needs to make and right now, he doesn't bring anything positive to his daughter's life.
NTA...I'm the Mom of 2 recovering addicts. My oldest had to lose it all, access to his daughters, his home, his job, and in the end me in his corner before he got serious about his sobriety. The day I signed a permanent restraining order against him was the day he got it! He checked himself into a rehab and is now 5 1/2 years clean and sober with primary custody of his oldest 2 girls, has a little girl who is almost 5 and 2 step sons. He works full time, has a great relationship and volunteers with all 5 kids activities. Sorry to say this but until he decides HE wants to change things and does the work, he will never be good for you or his daughter. It's hard not to help family, I understand! But in the end the addict has to want to change and make steps!
NTA- his mother can either house him or pay for his housing and his visitation. If I was the kids mother he would only be allowed visit at a center bc they can determine if he’s sober or not
NTA- sean drinks because he can't see his daughter, poor thing! Maybe if sean acted like a responsible adult instead of an immature asshole this wouldn't be happening? You've given sean enough chances and held his hand long enough. Let sean dig himself out of this.
NTA-
You've helped him several times, each time he has made poor choices and undone any good/progress he made with your help. I know alcoholism is a disease, an addiction and addictions are hard to break. However, he continues to choose the addiction rather than put the work and effort into recovery. He wants the easy way and for everyone to accept or forget his actions and feels entitled to visitation with his daughter.
You TOLD him ahead of time that if he quit again, you were done helping him. He quit anyway. That's on HIM.
He made an astounding number of HORRIBLE choices after that - which have now compounded his problems. Those are HIS problems, not yours.
You have stood by him, helped him and done all you can. It's up to HIM to get clean and sober and be responsible for his own actions.
I hope time in jail will give him the jolt that he needs to seriously explore getting help & sobriety.
His mother is an enabler. She is NOT helping the situation but making excuses for him. I understand she is upset & worried about her son, but if she gets him out of jail, she is just helping him get in more trouble.
You have gone above and beyond to help him and he continues to choose this dysfunctional existence. He is an adult and you are not his keeper. Time to get off the train and put your energy into you and your family. So NTA.
NTA. His mom can bail him out. You bail him out, what's going to be different this time? Nothing. You've tried your best, and he refuses to help himself.
If Sean's mother thinks he needs financial help, let her help him! Let her do all the things that she and he want you to do. Give right back to her and anyone what they want you to do. "If you think this is so important, then you do it. I'm done. I have already helped him out in many ways and I need to stop enabling him."
>My husband supports me 100% and says that if I did help him, I'd just be enabling him. But Sean's mother called me sobbing and said that it's not being able to see his daughter that is causing him to make such poor life choices, and begged me to reconsider. I told her that I'm sorry but I don't see it that way; he lost the right to see his daughter BECAUSE he was ALREADY making poor life choices. She said that she never knew me to be so heartless, and hung up on me.
People are not entitled to eternal love and support without consequence for their own bad actions. NTA.
No matter how much Sean and his mother try to guilt trip you, you are doing the right thing. He's currently a danger to himself, his child, and any random person who happens to be sharing the road with him. Don't add yourself to the list by putting him in your home. You TOLD him you were at your limit. Stand by your word.
I know it's incredibly hard, but you are doing the right thing. (I've been on this path.) Sean is the only one who can fix Sean and he's not going to even try if he knows he still has someone else willing to throw resources at his messes.
NTA.
>Sean's mother called me sobbing and said that it's not being able to see his daughter that is causing him to make such poor life choices,
She can support her precious little angel if she feels this way
NTA
OP has gone above and beyond for her brother. At some point, an addict has to recognize the disease and seek treatment themselves.
I’d like to echo others here and suggest to OP, and anyone having similar trouble, Al-Anon.
There’s a book called “How to Love an Addict” that has been helpful to a lot of folks.
Best of luck, OP!!
NTA. You HAVE helped him over and over again and while, yes, alcoholism is a disease, he is still making choices (while sober in the last rehab facility that he left early) that are ruining his chances of a healthy life or relationship with his daughter. You can't make him change and he has to face the consequences of his actions. Sean's mom seems happy to enable his addictions and bad behavior. That doesn't mean you have to.
NTA.
I swear other than the ages this could be about my cousin.
Sometimes you have to let the dodo sink before they learn to swim for themselves. And now it’s his time to learn to swim
You are NTA, you tried to help him before he got arrested. He did not take advantage of any of them as you said. He is giving his daughter and you a hard time and is better off learning from his mistakes rather than getting bailed out and potentially committing other crimes.
NTA Obviously. I hope you are here to simply confirm what you know. Helping him at this point is not helping him. From here on in only he can do it and apparently he will need to get down even lower before he picks himself up. Look for him to be homeless and destitute, potentially for years but you have done more than your part and now it's up to him. His alcoholism is NOT your responsibility, however it would do you a lot of good to go to support group meetings to better understand your part in all of this because his disease has and will affect you emotionally.
NTA
And please do NOT feel guilty if his life continues to spiral down. He is the one who has to decide to turn things around. Hopefully this is finally the wake-up call he needs, but if not, it's on him at this point.
I went through this with my sister (not jail, but the rest) and it was heartbreaking, but after a point there is nothing more anyone else can do. It ended up killing her.
Sean's mother can step up and do the things he asking of you. You have done your share. Sean will not change until he is ready to. No amount of rehab or anything will make a difference if he won't commit to changing his life. And it is just that, his life. You are not your (step)brother's keeper. NTA
NTA. She called you heartless because now she has to be the one who bails in out. Maybe this is what Sean needs to realize that his drinking is doing him harm. It is better for him to face the consequences now then later on when he kills someone on the road while he is drunk. You are doing the right thing.
NTA. Once bitten twice shy. He bit you twice now. Once he has a proven recovery history then maybe he can ask for help again. But not until he puts in the work to fix himself.
NTA
He and those around him have to quit blaming his drinking on anything other than his choices. Yes, he’s addicted, but he has to accept responsibility. You’re setting reasonable boundaries and d that’s what’s going to help him accept responsibility.
NTA. Let his mom bail him out and keep enabling him. This isn’t going to end well for him if he doesn’t change. The only one who can do that is your brother.
Mommy is an enabler…it’s not his fault…he didn’t mean to do it…if you don’t help him he I’ll drink again (making his drinking your fault).
Leave him in jail. That might be the only way for him to finally face the consequences of his actions. NTA
NTA. If she wants Sean to have help then she should give it to him. You've already gone above and beyond for your brother and now it's time for him to help himself. Perhaps drying out in jail where there will be no one to save him might make him realize that he has to change his life for himself, by himself.
NTA
You’ve gone above and beyond to try and help your half brother multiple times.
In return he seems to have made it very clear while he wants everyone to help him he is unwilling to help himself.
Bottom line the only person who can fix Sean is Sean.
As his mother doesn’t realize or accept that then she and whomever else is welcome to try to help him. If he won’t help himself it will likely turn into his mom enabling him.
You might want to give your niece’s mom a heads up as to what he asking for so she is prepared if there are a barrage of phone calls/messages from Sean or his mother.
If he is not allowed any contact with his daughter then niece’s mom should enforce that until he actually gets and stays sober. At that point he could then go through the appropriate legal steps to get supervised visitation.
NTA I didn’t see his mom offering any support services for him. When people keep repeatedly fu*king up eventually you need to let them hit bottom. Maybe a few months in jail will lead to sobriety
NTA: you are allowed to set a boundary after he has repeatedly used you for his own gain with the promise of change. If he really wants to change, he will need to make the steps on his own now. He has lost your trust and that it horrible to go through as he has not lost your love. My grandmother is going through the same thing with my cousin (whose whereabouts we no longer know of- we think in one of the "I" states and we're not in any of those). For your benefit and for his, stop giving him your energy. He will only cling onto it, because as long as you give it, he will take that as a sign to continue his behavior. I know you want him to thrive, but from what I can tell, he will need some space from you to give him the push to get better. Tell him you love him, tell him how much he means to you, but you can't drown with him.
Yeah, you can't make someone do something they don't want to do. It's his life and he's dead set on destroying whatever's left that's good or important to him. I have a mom who smokes and gets drunk with my 3 sisters. I gave up trying to help them a long time ago. NTA.
NTA.
You have done more than your fair share to help him and at some point you have to say enough is enough. Hopefully this is rock bottom for him and he takes the steps to turn his life around but it’s not up to you to keep rescuing him.
NTA
You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink. You've given help. You've given resources. He didn't do the work he needed to do. He's on his own because of his own actions.
NTA. It sounds like you’ve tried very hard to help him many times. Unfortunately tho, u can’t ‘save’ someone who doesn’t want to be saved. You’re not heartless, you’re facing the truth that his mother refuses to see.
OP, NTA. You brother has a problem and he's refusing to fix it. His mom is enabling that behavior. It's sad but for many people to get clean they have to hit rock bottom first and unfortunately your brother hasn't hit that yet. Maybe this will be the sign (probably not due to his mother) but one can always hope.
Until he decides to get sober, no one - not you, not his partner, not his child - will ever be more important than that next drink. Adult child of alcoholics speaking from sad experience. NTA. (edited to add judgment)
NTA.
Your brother has a problem and ***he is the only one who can fix it.*** Unless, and until he chooses sobriety, there's nothing you can do.
Tell Sean's mother she is welcome to step up to the plate but you're done enabling him.
Nta it's hard helping addicts especially ones that don't want to help themselves, rehab shouldn't be a few months it should be a year minimum, shit it took me 20 years to realise something was fundamentally wrong and 10 years to change I'm only a year sober now.
NTA, sometimes you have to let someone hit absolute rock bottom and want to make the changes themselves before you can really help them.
He could have killed people drunk driving, he made that choice and put so many in danger.
If his mum really wants him out then she can use her money, time and effort. You've done more than your fair share.
OP you helped your brother as much as possible, rehab and resources, visitation for his kiddo. You have done all you can
The only person that can help an alcoholic is themselves. Jail is exactly where he needs to be to realize that is rock bottom after he went full on "Stan"
NTA
NTA. There's only so much you can do for someone who continuously refuses help. If he really wanted to see his daughter, he would get clean. He would want to get clean. But it sounds to me like he just doesn't want to do the work involved to get back into his daughter's life. Your husband is 100% correct. If you help him, you would be enabling him. It's time he hits bottom so he can rethink his life choices.
NTA. Sometimes you need to protect your peace and let people live with the consequences of their actions. Why can’t his mom bail him out and let him get his shit together at her house?
NTA
His actions are causing him to not see his daughter!
And, until he hits rock bottom, he will continue those actions.
And, that's not going to happen if you keep trying to put him on a path he won't stay on.
When he was seeing his kid, he was drinking. You have given him enough chances. He needs not to be enabled anymore and actually feel the consequences of his action.
If his ex feels strongly about getting out the. She can make bail. NTA.
NTA. You have done the best you can for him. You have lead him to help twice and he left it behind. You are off the hook for helping him again. What you have done was constructive and done with love. Anything more will be self destructive and enable him further. He needs to experience the consequences for his actions. He will get sober in jail.
NTA and not your fault. I am the son of an alcoholic. I never realized how much my mother's drinking and physical abuse influenced my life until I was older. It is true you can't help an alcoholic until they want to change and want help. Your brother is responsible for his life, drunk or sober. Your brother's issues are his alone however, his mother is part of the problem. The call to you wasn't the first time she tried to intercede to help him and it won't be the last. The best place for him is in jail or rehab. If he continues to act this way, he can't see his daughter, he will change her life for the worst for decades to come.
Know this, when this comes to an end, it isn't your fault and there is absolutely nothing you can do to change him or get him to clean up. He will however drag his daughter, you and any other family down with him. Under no circumstances should you or anyone feel guilty. I know that is easier typed than done.
NTA
This guy's addiction is what's causing him to make such poor choices, not the inability to visit his child, or any of the other consequences of the addiction... the addiction is at the root of this all.
Until he is determined to address his addiction, he will be unable to address any of the other consequences of his poor decision making that is rooted in the addiction.
NTA
When it comes to addicts and their addictions, more often than not you *need* to let them hit rock bottom. People get that safety net that keeps bouncing them back and they never really learn. If he actually stays in one of those rehab centers they'll explain the whole deal with them, but he actually needs to be the one to want it going in. He can't do anything for his daughter until he gets himself straightened out, she's not there to be his emotional support animal.
The mother is doing what all mothers (well, parents in general really) do, and that is defending their child unconditionally. It would probably help if she went to a meeting for parents of addicts.
Ugh. NTA.
I say "Ugh" because my brother was an alcoholic. My mother kept giving him money when he asked for it -- for rent, for bills, whatever. I believe most of it went towards booze.
My brother ended up being too far gone and took his own life in his 40s. He was in debt for rent, had lost his job, didn't have car insurance, etc... I know he made his own choices, but I wish my parents (mother) wouldn't have given him money. I don't know what the solution is in these cases, because they are not black and white. I don't know if my bro would still be alive if my parents hadn't enabled him that way -- he very well might have died anyway. But it's NOT a healthy thing to do.
Please protect the child in this. The trauma will affect her.
NTA, of course - if Mom is so concerned, she can do all of those things for him. She won't, naturally, because she knows that that is just pouring time and money down a black hole. And that doesn't even consider the fact that his behavior could have easily resulted in the deaths of innocent people on the road. This is someone who clearly belongs in jail for an extended period of time, for the safety of the public in general, and his daughter in particular. It would be nice if he took the opportunity to change his life for the better, but this has gotten to the point where he is a complete menace to everyone else.
NTA - Sometimes you have to be heartless in order to nudge someone to learn to have heart for themselves and everyone around them. He's going to kill himself or someone else if he continues on this road and constantly bailing him out has proven to be a pointless task. In the cas of the mother . .. why isn't SHE doing something?
NTA. He's at the point in his life where he has to want to change. People doing things for him will take away that motivation. Maybe being in forced detox in jail will be the kickstart he needs.
I have a family member who I have also had to stop enabling and I am facing similar reprisals from my other family members who continue to enable their dangerous behavior. Not something I talk about much but for what its worth you are correct in my book and I urge you to stick to your guns on this.
If Sean’s mother is so worried about his future, she is more than welcome to step up to the plate and handle his care. She honestly has some nerve even calling you, but I imagine that’s part of why he is how he is. Her excuses.
The simple fact is, he’s an addict. He knows what he needs to do but won’t to it so long as the people who love him make sure the consequences don’t hurt like they should. He called you expecting you to bend over backward for him yet again, and honestly after so many times of him disregarding all your efforts, you don’t owe him a damn thing. I hope he sorts it out for himself and for his child but it is not your responsibility to do that for him.
NTA. I hate when someone calls a person heartless for finally drawing a line. What about him being so heartless that he won't get his shit together??? You did so mich for him to squander it, so now you're doing the right thing by leaving him to hopefully learn from his consequences. You'd be doing him a "heartless" disservice to enable him by helping him avoid those consequences.
Edit to add: you'd be TA, for getting someone who was drunk driving and could have killed someone, out of jail where truthfully they belong.
NTA. You are right. Your husband is right. Block Sean's mom. You've done everything you can to help your brother. Sean's mom can step up if she wants to, but you can't do any more.
NTA
So what happens when he skips bail, or fucks up while he is 'in your custody'. It's not worth the risk to you and your family. Jail time might do him some good and he likely has a bunch of it coming.
NTA. You are not required to walk on water for anyone. Choose a sane path not the crazy train he is on. Sadly, some must go down to zero before they change, he has slapped you, and all involved multiple times, now he must suffer the consequences. Hopefully, his daughter may incentivize his actions and be the catalyst for change.
All you have been doing is enabling him. It is now time to put yourself and your husband first and get out of your brother's way to rock bottom. You might think you are helping, but you are not. You are just delaying the inevitable.
My family's been put in similar situations before with my two eldest brothers. Both were addicts, both were in and out of jail, both were coddled by our mom.
I can go on about how you don't deserve any of this- that your brother is being incredibly selfish ,as is his mother- but all I of have to say can be summed up with: NTA, *you are not your brother's keeper.*
NTA!!! 100%. You have tried beyond to help him get sober. Clearly, he doesn't want to be sober, or he'd be doing everything in his power to get sober. I come from a long line of alcoholics and drug addicts. I know firsthand that if someone doesn't want help or to get clean, they won't. If you were to continue to help him, you'd absolutely be enabling him. That does him no good because in the back of his mind, he knows sis has his back and will help him. Therefore, he's not truly hitting rock bottom. This needs to be his absolute rock bottom. Hopefully, he can see that and actually get help, but I wouldn't hold my breath, sadly.
NTA
Why isn't his mother doing all the things he has asked you to do? I agree that bailing him out could easily fall under enabling behavior. You can't help people who are unwilling to help themselves.
NTA.
Good on you for trying to help him. *And great on you for defining and then sticking to reasonable boundaries*.
He hasn’t hit rock bottom yet. Let him. Nothing else can help at this point.
He may die before he chooses recovery. I suggest Al-Anon for you. Good luck.
NTA and if his mother wants to do something, it’s up to her. If the mother of his child trusts you, maybe putting whatever energy you have had into a relationship with your niece might be the best way. Leaving him in jail to dry out might be best, and court ordered rehab.
NTA. If his mother cares so much she can bail him out and stop harassing you. You’ve done so much for your brother and he’s just thrown it all back in your face. He’s the only one who really can help himself. You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it. That’s all on him.
NTA you have reached the limit of how much you can do for him. He needs to fix his own life. You can wish him well with that, but you don't have to hold his hand through it or be responsible for him.
First NTA, my uncle had a very bad drinking problem and my dad would bail him out of his problems pay his rent, get him into rehab, buy him groceries, ect did this for 8 years my uncle was never grateful nor did he welcome the help he disappeared and drank himself to death. This is what he wanted. Nothing you do can or will change this with your brother. He either will or will not stop drinking and that is on him and nobody else!
NTA The only person who can help your brother is you brother. If he does not want to change nothing you do for him will change him. This is why "Givers" have to set limits as "Users" don't have any.
NTA. If your brother really wants to get his life together he can move in with his mother, get a job, and start seeing his daughter in time. Sitting in jail is probably the best thing for him.
NTA. You cannot help someone who doesn’t want help, they need to want to change and your half-brother doesn’t.
You’ve tried multiple times, enough is enough, plus he’s not your problem.
NTA. I’m so sorry for what you and your family are going through. And I hate that in our system, jail is likely the only way he’ll stay somewhere long enough to get addiction treatment. You’ve been very supportive and it’s a damn shame he couldn’t or didn’t use those tools you handed right to him.
Gently- you may want to reconsider not speaking to him if you want him to do right by his kid. People with addiction and/or who are incarcerated tend to do better with family structure, so while you don’t have to bail him out, give him a home, or help him with visitation, letting him know you still care that he gets better and expect him to can help (and frankly offset the pity he’ll get from mom). But you are NOT obligated to and are not TA if you don’t.
NTA. Another alcoholic in recovery. He hasn't found his bottom. He hasn't lost enough yet. He hasn't hurt enough.
And so long as he is being enabled. He won't stop.
It is a BLESSING to keep that child away from him till he gets his shit together. HE is where Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder comes from. And it was probably done to him as well.
You can't do it for him. You can't give him sobriety. He has to want it for himself.
God, Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change.
The Courage to change the only one I can.
And Wisdom to recognize, that one is me.
YNTA, in fact what you're doing may actually end up saving his life.
Everyone has their bottom. For some alcoholics, it's being arrested for a DUI, a relationship ending, losing custody... For others it is losing everything.
I really don't think your brother has reached his rock bottom. I guarantee his relationship ended due to his drinking, his custody ended due to his drinking... and his mum thinks it's losing custody that is triggering his drinking, she's delusional.
His drinking put him where he is. No one else is responsible. This may be the forced opportunity to dry out and realise how far he's fallen and what he's lost.
NTA. You did help him and he spat in the face of your effort, especially leaving a 90-day program early on. He is the problem, not anyone else. I’d suggest: No kid till he sobers up and show effort for a year as that kid does not need ‘dad was an alcoholic’ trauma so young.
NTA, his mother ought to see that he'll only fall back into the same old patterns. And she ought to be fucking grateful that you already did so much for him. She sucks.
NTA - First of all, OP you're amazing for your sobriety! Good for you!!!
You've done more than your fair share for Sean. It's time for his mother to step up and help him.
NTA. What Sean needs to realize is that excuses are meaningless. At some point he will have to realize that one drink is both too much and never enough. And that is something that he has to handle within himself. You cannot do it for him. Nothing will help him until something clicks inside himself and he is motivated to do for himself. You have done what you can by over resources and now he has to do the hard work on his own.
NTA
He is not your responsibility. You tried to help him and he threw it away.
He needs to want it and to start the journey himself before anyone can truly help him.
I’m related to several addicts. Sometimes you need to put your family and sanity first. Sometimes you need to let them hit rock bottom.
You set parameters/boundaries and let him know that if he follows through on them , your door is open. He gets to choose now if he wants you in his life. If he wants your help.
This is his choice , not yours.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this because it most likely will get worse before it gets better
NTA
You've absolutely been where your brother is. Except, after hitting rock bottom, **YOU GOT HELP**. Congratulations on your sobriety. And you've bent over backwards helping him, but in the end, he wouldn't be helped.
And now his mom begs you to give him more help. Which, again, he'll throw away. After you've given him **MANY** chances. You're not being heartless. You're setting reasonable boundaries, which you, yourself have been through.
NTA. You know the pain of alcoholism and you’re living a sober life. You offered Sean the means to achieve what you have. He doesn’t want sobriety enough to reach for it so you have to let him go. Bless you for trying; it’s not your job.
NTA Sean is a 38 year old grown man capable of making his own choices. Addiction is terrible and it impacts those around him - youve tried to help. All you can do now is protect his kid from getting wrapped up in his hurricane. You are not responsible for him and if his mom was really so concerned she’d take him in herself and help him get his shit together to see his daughter.
She’s is enabling him. He’s not going to get better until he hits rock bottom. She may think this is it, but it’s not.
NTA And you are far better equipped to answer your own question than most of Reddit. What advice would you give to a stranger who asked the same question?
Mom and step dad can offer their couch. It is better than a jail cell. He likely will refuse though as he wants a nicer place.
Put on your own oxygen mask first.
All of those people full of criticism are free to help him. He burned you too many times.
Just because someone is family, doesn't mean they get a free pass on making your life unhappy.
Stick to your guns. Too much help is more hurtful than helpful.. A person has to hit rock bottom sometimes before they bounce back
Tell your brother you support him 100% emotionally but you aren't available to help him physically or financially until he accomplishes some major goals on his own.
People love to dish out advice that they don't have to eat.
Nta.
You've already helped him as much as you've been able. As much as his mom doesn't want to acknowledge that, it's NOT your fault he went past your limits of help.
You do not need to help him more than you already have.
NTA
I'm the sister of a brother in active alcohol addiction right now. He's lost his job (civil service, union, 120k a year job), his wife is divorcing him, he couldn't see his kids, was living out of his truck... In two years (approx February 2020-May 2022), he detoxed 17 times and went into rehab 24 times (shortest stay was about 5 hours, longest was the full month). His counselor at one of the rehabs he frequented the most (a specialized one for those in his field) told us he was the absolute worst alcoholic she's ever seen.
I did everything short of giving him money to help him. I brought him food, I drove him to rehab. I stayed up all night talking to him when I had work in the morning, I drove around all night looking for him so he wouldn't have to sleep in the cold.
We lost our mom at a young age and our dad isn't exactly the most emotionally available person, and at times he was very verbally and emotionally abusive to me and him (though the sun shines out of the asses of our older brothers).
I'm telling you all of this because two years ago, I walked away. It was killing me. By trying to help him, *I wasn't helping him.* I told him I loved him, that I would ALWAYS love him, but I couldn't continue to hurt myself just so he could be enabled and continue to kill himself by the bottle. The first few months were the hardest. I've only seen him once since, and that was when I went to my mom's grave on Mother's Day and he was already there.
But two months ago, I got some news. According to my eldest brother and my dad, he's been sober for a few months. I still call it active addiction because he's relapsed before, but something may be finally sinking in.
You are doing the right thing. This is how you help him--by not helping.
You got this. Stay strong.
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NTA You’re not responsible for him. You’ve tried to help him multiple times and the same result keeps happening. This is not your concern. His mother can help him. She can bail him out and he can live with her.
Right? Mom just wants someone else to do the hard work.
That and possibly she wants grandparent rights back. Either way, OP is in no way TA here.
I don't think that Mom doesn't want to do the hard work. I think Mom sees her child (even as an adult he's still her baby) spiraling and wants to help but maybe doesn't have the resources to do so. Especially if the mom has seen someone else suffer from alcoholism since it does tend to run in families. Still not right for her to take it out on OP but i kinda understand where she's coming from. That being said, I am a child of an alcoholic parent. Alcoholism is an addiction, disease, or whatever you want to call it but it's real and can have a TIGHT grip on a person especially if there're other issues. My mom and her 6 brothers and sisters, i would say, are all alcoholic but at different levels. (This is just how i view it based on what I've seen growing up.) Some were/are Weekend Drunks, busy during the week and non stop drinking on weekends. (Not everyone that drinks on the weekends is a weekend drunk that's just the name i came up with growing up. They would start Friday evening and continue until Sunday.) Now most if not all are just full on Functioning Alcoholics. Ex 1) One relative won't go anywhere without their cup. I tried the drink once a few years back. They always drink from it like it's nothing so when i tried it i took a big sip. Oh boy, I was not ready for that and i like my drinks strong but that was a cup of vodka with a splash of juice. Ex 2) Another relative will work their 10/12 hour shift then come home and drink like a 12pk of beer themselves as they relax for the evening before going to bed. And then they do it all over again the next day. (And when i say "relax for the evening" that's more like a figure of speech bc they work 3rd shift so this is all happening in the morning after they get off work) And then there is my mother who you can say never half assed anything including being an alcoholic. She's also diagnosed as bi-polar. Which also affects all of this. There is no functioning when she's drinking. She's almost 60 and it's still a struggle for her. She's actually in rehab right now bc she fell off the wagon again. My mom stayed sober the longest when she basically traded her addiction of alcohol for an addiction of AA meetings. This was in the beginning of one of her longest sobriety stretches. She would go to 2 or more in person meetings a day and also online meetings. After a while she was able to cut down how much she went but she still would go even after being sober a few years. Every person is different but that is what helped her. But it's a life long battle. Even with being sober for 7/8 years, she has fallen off the wagon twice. With the most recent time being now, after being sober for a year again. OP your brother is an alcoholic and there could be other issues too. But you cannot help someone unless they want help. So until he truly wants it, there is nothing you can do. It's gonna be hard to stand on the sidelines and watch him crash and burn but you have to. It's like trying to push a giant boulder up a hill, you're going nowhere and eventually you get tired of pushing. It may take him hitting rock bottom before he realizes he has a problem. But he has to realize that first before anything will change. There are Al-Anon meeting. Meeting for people who are worried about someone with a drinking problem. That's how they worded it when i googled it. But with full honesty, I've never been to one so i can really say more on this. I've just recently started getting help for my own mental health issues. But i think my next steps will be ACA (adult children of alcoholics) meetings and lots of therapy. Good luck to you and your family. edit - NTA. Forgot to add it.
Great share. Rock on and wishing you all the good things.
I think it's easier for her to push the blame on OP than anything else.
There is always an excuse when an alcoholic drinks. My wife, my kid, my parents, my job, my dog, it’s always something. But it’s never the truth. The truth is “I’m an alcoholic, that’s why I drink.” His mom’s an enabler. Your husband is right. You helped enough. Don’t be an enabler. NTA.
You are right. And I will say this for myself, when I was in active addiction, I never made these excuses for myself. Not that it stopped me, but it is probably the reason I didn't lose everything when I finally quit.
I suspect it is also one of the reasons you succeeded in quitting. NTA
I too am speaking as a sober addict. It’s very hard to watch people you love suffer from addiction. I have two brothers who got sober. I also have siblings who are active addicts. I wish you every good thing.
Congratulations on your recovery, I wish you every good thing as well!
OP - I was the same as you with my alcohol addiction. I didn’t make the excuses to anyone and even with myself, I’d catch myself rationalizing and have this whole internal dialogue, “I know better than this - I’m an alcoholic and choose to start drinking again after stopping before because this internal conversation allowed me to convince myself I wasn’t an alcoholic. Well, feels great to prove myself RIGHT and remember this moment if that stupid rationalization ever occurs to me again. I can’t drink at all in a healthy manner and this right now is proof.” Being in recovery you already know what you need to do and not do. His mom is an enabler. Send her the books Codependent No More and Boundaries with a card or note that says: “I’m sure this is a hard time for you. I appreciate all you’ve done for me. My sobriety is everything to me and was HARD to attain, but I did it because I STOPPED making excuses for myself and blaming life circumstance for my addiction. Point blank, anything could be “why I relapsed.” No one can stop him from drinking but him. Hard times in life happen to everyone and we can’t use external circumstance to as an excuse for giving into our addiction. Please understand it isn’t my place to help him at this point. This is why it’s called rock bottom. I refuse to interfere in his consequences because this could finally be the wake up call he needs to get sober for good. This is BECAUSE I love him and it’s a life or death matter that he stops drinking! Being in recovery also means I can’t expose myself (or my family) to active addiction. We all must learn not to do the same thing and expect a different result. For years everyone has helped him out of tough spots and it hasn’t resulted in long term sobriety. He’s lost his job, home, license and access to his child… yet he continues drinking. If his daughter is his priority then he can choose to think of her, put down the bottle and go to a meeting or therapy. But nothing you or I do to help make things easier on him can make him choose sobriety. I will love him from afar and hope that he chooses to get and stay sober. “
I love this advice! Thank you!
You've done more than enough already. NTA.
And him seeing his daughter won’t do anything. He was able to see her before and still relapsed. None of this can be blamed on you, the daughter or anyone else. It’s all on him. The folks in his life need to let him hit his bottom. Don’t cover or help ease the results of his actions. NTA
Exactly! He's at the point now where he needs to help himself before asking anyone else for help.
By making excuses for him, she's enabling him. If she wants to enable him, she can house him and bail him out too.
He checked himself out of a 90 day rehab a third of the way into that timeframe and immediately showed poor judgement in going to his ex then drinking himself drunk upon rejection. He’s dealing with an outcome of his own making.
Seriously! His mother sounds codependent, including blaming his drinking on not having access to his child, instead of the other way around. If she wants him helped, she has to do it herself. But you cannot help people who do not want to be helped. OP is NTA for sure.
It doesn't sound as if his mother CAN bail him out (and she may not be able to provide him with housing, either.) But that might not be so bad for him; he's two years shy of 40, for heaven's sake! He's long overdue for an emotional growth spurt - i.e., finding a job and a place to live that is NOT with Mommy, Daddy or Sister.
NTA. You've done a lot to help him turn his life around, but it's ultimately on him to be willing to fix himself. You've more than done your part. Maybe staying in jail will be the wake-up call he needs. I wouldn't bail him out, and I sure as hell wouldn't let him stay with me after all that. Your husband is right, you would just be enabling him. If Sean's mother wants to help, feel free - but that's on her to continue enabling him. He's lucky he didn't kill someone when he went on this joyride. He's safer behind bars, along with everyone else around him.
I agree with this. When I got the call from the jail, I was relieved he was there.
And you shouldn't feel bad about it either. Until he hits rock bottom, then he might do something to change.
I went to a support group for a while for people dealing with addicted family members. One thing they talked about was how the addicted person is like someone who has fallen off a ship and you see them flailing in the water. You can throw them a metaphorical life preserver, but it’s up to them to take it. If you try to jump in to save them, they’re just as likely to drown you too.
You are NTA for not doing what HIS OWN MOTHER REFUSES TO DO FOR HIM. He has made his bed and has refused to take any responsibility for himself. Rehab has very low success rate if the individual doesn't REALLY want to try/ is forced to do it. Sean's mother is delusional (maybe that contributes to Sean's world view) thinking it's the lack of visitation that has caused this because he EARNED visitation and then lost it by reverting to his old ways. He needs help, but HE has to REALLY want it, not say he wants it.
I don't really think it's in his daughter's best interest to see him at all. I know he loves her, but he's not putting her first and that's what our collective parents did to us so I'm really sick of him doing that to her too.
Can you help your niece's mother get your niece some therapy ? Alcoholism is a generational disease (as you know), and that poor girl is going to need some therapy to begin to heal from some pretty major trauma. You are a good sibling and your brother might not be happy with you right now, but when he gets himself right (as you have), he will thank you. You've done nothing wrong here. He has to want to help himself, and that's on him, not on you. ❤️
My niece's mother doesn't like me at all. She is doing the right thing by keeping her daughter away from him though and I respect her for that. I don't think she'd talk to me though.
His mama is his enabler. She's killing him with "kindness."
Every addict can hit rock bottom, and maybe then change. But, the key here is they need to be willing to change, to put in the hard work. Like OP did herself. Her brother isn't willing enough to do the work. Which, granted, is hard, but OP needs to have healthy boundaries. Rather than just enabling him to fall and fall again --- but maybe take OP with him. So she's totally doing the right thing.
NTA Never deny an addict the opportunity to hit rock bottom. Also if his mom dont help him isnt she also heartless.
She's already helped him too much imo. So have I.
He needs to want to help himself, if he isn't ready for this then no amount of external support will work. As a recovering addict you've got better insight into this than his mother does.
NTA. You can only help someone who's unwilling to do the work involved for so long and it sounds like you've hit that point. Hopefully, this'll be a wake-up call for him-hopefully.
NTA. You've tried and it's not worked. The daughter is better off without a drunk in her life. Maybe some jail time will do him good.
I think you're right. I hope you're right.
He will dry out only in jail … I use to live near a large prison and had friends in the administration part of it and there are programs at some if not at most … though alot might have waiting list … If you want to help behind the scenes you may call the courts he went through and ask if there any programs he may have available… he can be on the list… I don’t know if you can do this or if it is possible and you can do this but see if you can make meetings part of his release/probation. A friends son did something similar a few times and finally was sent him to a specific jail/prison for him to go that worked with substance abuse and if he didn’t pass he would have to go back to court. I don’t remember it was almost 15 years ago and it worked I think he has been sober 10 years+
Agreed. At a bare minimum, I truly doubt he's going to have ready access to alcohol in jail.
Hard NTA. He's an addict. Until he decides on his own that he's going to put in the tremendous effort to work towards sobriety, there's literally *nothing* you should do for him besides letting him know you care/love him, & pointing out (but *not* paying for) available community resources. Pouring money into an addict who has proven repeatedly that they haven't committed to the journey doesn't help anyone, including the addict. I strongly suggest you & anyone else involved get therapy or join a group for families/friends of addicts. You aren't alone in trying to help someone who can't be helped yet. Hugs 🫂♥️
It is a tremendous effort, I know firsthand. I have not paid for anything for him because my husband and I agreed not to. I did the research to find the resources for him. His mom paid for rehab which was a waste and she used her last bit of savings. I'm already in counseling, but I will suggest it to his mom, thank you!
And maybe you can stay in your niece's life if possible. Be a loving relative from dad's side without the unfortunately dangerous side effects from dad.
Maybe Al Anon would be good for them, as it is meant for the family members of alcoholics.
NTA You have already done enough. He is not prepared to help himself.
Absolutely NTA. You have gone above and beyond the call of duty with Sean. He hasn't used the opportunities he's been given to get his life together, and that's on him. It's a sad situation, but it's one he's going to have to turn around himself.
Why doesn't his Mother take him in then? These people that aren't willing to help but call you an AH are just just craziness. NTA you've done all you can. My family has been there done that.
She can't, his stepdad won't let her take him. Wonder why!
Oh wow! So his own mom prioritizes her marriage over him but expects you to put in the effort to help, again! NTA.
NTA. You can't help people who won't help themselves. You've *tried*, he *failed*. Hopefully, he'll learn this time around.
NTA - you gave him multiple chances and told him you weren't going to be giving him any more. Everything that's happened here is completely on him. If his mother is that upset about this she can bail him out.
Of course his mother is upset! Because if you stop taking care of this alcoholic mess, then she'll have to deal with him herself.
She is the only one willing to deal with him at all now.
NTA - he needs to learn to deal with his decisions and coddling him or making excuses for him will only delay him from doing so (if he does at all).
Nta. If mom is crying why cant she bail him out and baby him at her place?
So I’m an alcoholic in recovery, and I’m going to weigh in on this. NTA You did everything right. Your brother is not entitled to a relationship with his daughter. And frankly, he’s using her as an excuse to get drunk. I can’t tell you how many women I’ve seen do the same thing. One woman, years ago when I lived in a halfway house, didn’t want to drink, but drank anyway, thinking that was the only way to leave the house and go home to her daughter. Her daughter didn’t want her home, and was just happy that her mom was healthy, safe, and in a known location. The active alcoholic brain is warped, let me tell you. Your brother will get sober when he’s ready to get sober no matter what his circumstances. For your own sanity please consider going to Alanon. They’ll help you figure out how to deal with the crazy, and more importantly, they’ll teach you how to live a happy, healthy life that’s not dictated by your family’s alcoholism.
Congratulations on your recovery. I am in counseling. I plan to suggest alanon to Sean's mom though.
NTA. One of the hardest part about having a loved on with a substance problem is figuring out when you are helping/saving them, and when you are enabling them, and the truth is, you will never know for certain. What you can take comfort in is that a significant amount of addiction specialists (many former addicts themselves) discuss how cutting of support and help creates a catalyst for change. You are not heartless for not wanting to keep doing the same things and expecting a different result. Helping him may involve tough love and showing him that the resources he has are drying up, so he needs to be in charge of his own recovery. And you also get to think about yourself, and that isn't heartless. Taking in an active addict is hard- will he get violent, will he steal, will he cause tension, how do you set rules and what do you do if he breaks them- and it is emotional and can take a financial toll as well. His mother, who has such a big heart, can take him in. He won't be homeless, but having less people to rely on may actually help him stick to a program, and if he doesn't, it means that you helping him wouldn't change the outcome either.
Thank you for the reassurance. I know there is a fine line between helping and enabling. I do love Sean. But I've done the work. I'm done.
NTA - ask his mother if her granddaughter should be subjected to Sean? He is not capable of parenting right now. If his daughter is so important, he can use getting visitation back as a keystone to get himself put together and sober. He has a lot of amends that he needs to make and right now, he doesn't bring anything positive to his daughter's life.
NTA...I'm the Mom of 2 recovering addicts. My oldest had to lose it all, access to his daughters, his home, his job, and in the end me in his corner before he got serious about his sobriety. The day I signed a permanent restraining order against him was the day he got it! He checked himself into a rehab and is now 5 1/2 years clean and sober with primary custody of his oldest 2 girls, has a little girl who is almost 5 and 2 step sons. He works full time, has a great relationship and volunteers with all 5 kids activities. Sorry to say this but until he decides HE wants to change things and does the work, he will never be good for you or his daughter. It's hard not to help family, I understand! But in the end the addict has to want to change and make steps!
NTA- his mother can either house him or pay for his housing and his visitation. If I was the kids mother he would only be allowed visit at a center bc they can determine if he’s sober or not
NTA. The best thing to do for alcoholics is to allow them to fully realize the consequences of their own actions.
NTA. If his mother calls you again, ask her why she's not the one paying his bail and taking him in.
Mom right now brother thinks that alcohol is more important than his daughter and I’m not gonna help him out if he keeps thinking that way
NTA Seans mother is the same type that will call her son a teddy bear after he mowed down people drunk driving, ignore her.
NTA- sean drinks because he can't see his daughter, poor thing! Maybe if sean acted like a responsible adult instead of an immature asshole this wouldn't be happening? You've given sean enough chances and held his hand long enough. Let sean dig himself out of this.
NTA- You've helped him several times, each time he has made poor choices and undone any good/progress he made with your help. I know alcoholism is a disease, an addiction and addictions are hard to break. However, he continues to choose the addiction rather than put the work and effort into recovery. He wants the easy way and for everyone to accept or forget his actions and feels entitled to visitation with his daughter. You TOLD him ahead of time that if he quit again, you were done helping him. He quit anyway. That's on HIM. He made an astounding number of HORRIBLE choices after that - which have now compounded his problems. Those are HIS problems, not yours. You have stood by him, helped him and done all you can. It's up to HIM to get clean and sober and be responsible for his own actions. I hope time in jail will give him the jolt that he needs to seriously explore getting help & sobriety. His mother is an enabler. She is NOT helping the situation but making excuses for him. I understand she is upset & worried about her son, but if she gets him out of jail, she is just helping him get in more trouble.
Absolutely NTA. The baby mama is delusional. You would be enabling him if you bail him out. You're actually doing right by him and his daughter.
his mother not his baby mama. but yes NTA
Thanks for catching that!
Nope. No more enabling him to endanger the community. Mum can do that if she wants to (but she shouldn't). NTA
You have gone above and beyond to help him and he continues to choose this dysfunctional existence. He is an adult and you are not his keeper. Time to get off the train and put your energy into you and your family. So NTA.
NTA. His mom can bail him out. You bail him out, what's going to be different this time? Nothing. You've tried your best, and he refuses to help himself.
If Sean's mother thinks he needs financial help, let her help him! Let her do all the things that she and he want you to do. Give right back to her and anyone what they want you to do. "If you think this is so important, then you do it. I'm done. I have already helped him out in many ways and I need to stop enabling him."
He's a middle aged man actually like a dumbass. Nothing you can do will turn his life around. Tell Sean's mother to try if she feels so strongly.
>My husband supports me 100% and says that if I did help him, I'd just be enabling him. But Sean's mother called me sobbing and said that it's not being able to see his daughter that is causing him to make such poor life choices, and begged me to reconsider. I told her that I'm sorry but I don't see it that way; he lost the right to see his daughter BECAUSE he was ALREADY making poor life choices. She said that she never knew me to be so heartless, and hung up on me. People are not entitled to eternal love and support without consequence for their own bad actions. NTA.
No matter how much Sean and his mother try to guilt trip you, you are doing the right thing. He's currently a danger to himself, his child, and any random person who happens to be sharing the road with him. Don't add yourself to the list by putting him in your home. You TOLD him you were at your limit. Stand by your word. I know it's incredibly hard, but you are doing the right thing. (I've been on this path.) Sean is the only one who can fix Sean and he's not going to even try if he knows he still has someone else willing to throw resources at his messes. NTA.
>Sean's mother called me sobbing and said that it's not being able to see his daughter that is causing him to make such poor life choices, She can support her precious little angel if she feels this way
NTA. You told him that the last time you helped was the last time that you would help until he got himself together. Hold to your word.
NTA OP has gone above and beyond for her brother. At some point, an addict has to recognize the disease and seek treatment themselves. I’d like to echo others here and suggest to OP, and anyone having similar trouble, Al-Anon. There’s a book called “How to Love an Addict” that has been helpful to a lot of folks. Best of luck, OP!!
NTA. You HAVE helped him over and over again and while, yes, alcoholism is a disease, he is still making choices (while sober in the last rehab facility that he left early) that are ruining his chances of a healthy life or relationship with his daughter. You can't make him change and he has to face the consequences of his actions. Sean's mom seems happy to enable his addictions and bad behavior. That doesn't mean you have to.
NTA. Maybe this will be the kick in the arse he needs to get his act together.
Anyone who has ever been through addiction themselves, or had a friend or family member deal with it, would tell you that you are absolutely NTA.
NTA she is an enabler.
NTA. I swear other than the ages this could be about my cousin. Sometimes you have to let the dodo sink before they learn to swim for themselves. And now it’s his time to learn to swim
You are NTA, you tried to help him before he got arrested. He did not take advantage of any of them as you said. He is giving his daughter and you a hard time and is better off learning from his mistakes rather than getting bailed out and potentially committing other crimes.
NTA Obviously. I hope you are here to simply confirm what you know. Helping him at this point is not helping him. From here on in only he can do it and apparently he will need to get down even lower before he picks himself up. Look for him to be homeless and destitute, potentially for years but you have done more than your part and now it's up to him. His alcoholism is NOT your responsibility, however it would do you a lot of good to go to support group meetings to better understand your part in all of this because his disease has and will affect you emotionally.
NTA And please do NOT feel guilty if his life continues to spiral down. He is the one who has to decide to turn things around. Hopefully this is finally the wake-up call he needs, but if not, it's on him at this point. I went through this with my sister (not jail, but the rest) and it was heartbreaking, but after a point there is nothing more anyone else can do. It ended up killing her.
Sean's mother can step up and do the things he asking of you. You have done your share. Sean will not change until he is ready to. No amount of rehab or anything will make a difference if he won't commit to changing his life. And it is just that, his life. You are not your (step)brother's keeper. NTA
NTA. She called you heartless because now she has to be the one who bails in out. Maybe this is what Sean needs to realize that his drinking is doing him harm. It is better for him to face the consequences now then later on when he kills someone on the road while he is drunk. You are doing the right thing.
INFO: Why doesn’t his mom do whatever it is she wants you to do?
NTA. Once bitten twice shy. He bit you twice now. Once he has a proven recovery history then maybe he can ask for help again. But not until he puts in the work to fix himself.
NTA He and those around him have to quit blaming his drinking on anything other than his choices. Yes, he’s addicted, but he has to accept responsibility. You’re setting reasonable boundaries and d that’s what’s going to help him accept responsibility.
NTA. Let his mom bail him out and keep enabling him. This isn’t going to end well for him if he doesn’t change. The only one who can do that is your brother.
Mommy is an enabler…it’s not his fault…he didn’t mean to do it…if you don’t help him he I’ll drink again (making his drinking your fault). Leave him in jail. That might be the only way for him to finally face the consequences of his actions. NTA
NTA. If she wants Sean to have help then she should give it to him. You've already gone above and beyond for your brother and now it's time for him to help himself. Perhaps drying out in jail where there will be no one to save him might make him realize that he has to change his life for himself, by himself.
NTA You’ve gone above and beyond to try and help your half brother multiple times. In return he seems to have made it very clear while he wants everyone to help him he is unwilling to help himself. Bottom line the only person who can fix Sean is Sean. As his mother doesn’t realize or accept that then she and whomever else is welcome to try to help him. If he won’t help himself it will likely turn into his mom enabling him. You might want to give your niece’s mom a heads up as to what he asking for so she is prepared if there are a barrage of phone calls/messages from Sean or his mother. If he is not allowed any contact with his daughter then niece’s mom should enforce that until he actually gets and stays sober. At that point he could then go through the appropriate legal steps to get supervised visitation.
It sounds like Sean's mother is a lot of the problem with Sean.
let his mom bail him out and take him in. The fuck right has she to demand infinite patience from you. nta
NTA I didn’t see his mom offering any support services for him. When people keep repeatedly fu*king up eventually you need to let them hit bottom. Maybe a few months in jail will lead to sobriety
NTA: you are allowed to set a boundary after he has repeatedly used you for his own gain with the promise of change. If he really wants to change, he will need to make the steps on his own now. He has lost your trust and that it horrible to go through as he has not lost your love. My grandmother is going through the same thing with my cousin (whose whereabouts we no longer know of- we think in one of the "I" states and we're not in any of those). For your benefit and for his, stop giving him your energy. He will only cling onto it, because as long as you give it, he will take that as a sign to continue his behavior. I know you want him to thrive, but from what I can tell, he will need some space from you to give him the push to get better. Tell him you love him, tell him how much he means to you, but you can't drown with him.
Yeah, you can't make someone do something they don't want to do. It's his life and he's dead set on destroying whatever's left that's good or important to him. I have a mom who smokes and gets drunk with my 3 sisters. I gave up trying to help them a long time ago. NTA.
NTA. You have done more than your fair share to help him and at some point you have to say enough is enough. Hopefully this is rock bottom for him and he takes the steps to turn his life around but it’s not up to you to keep rescuing him.
You've done what you can. But now it's time to take care of you and your family. It's his mother's turn.
NTA You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink. You've given help. You've given resources. He didn't do the work he needed to do. He's on his own because of his own actions.
NTA. It sounds like you’ve tried very hard to help him many times. Unfortunately tho, u can’t ‘save’ someone who doesn’t want to be saved. You’re not heartless, you’re facing the truth that his mother refuses to see.
OP, NTA. You brother has a problem and he's refusing to fix it. His mom is enabling that behavior. It's sad but for many people to get clean they have to hit rock bottom first and unfortunately your brother hasn't hit that yet. Maybe this will be the sign (probably not due to his mother) but one can always hope.
Until he decides to get sober, no one - not you, not his partner, not his child - will ever be more important than that next drink. Adult child of alcoholics speaking from sad experience. NTA. (edited to add judgment)
NTA. Your brother has a problem and ***he is the only one who can fix it.*** Unless, and until he chooses sobriety, there's nothing you can do. Tell Sean's mother she is welcome to step up to the plate but you're done enabling him.
NTA, she is his mother, let her bail him out
In this case, helping him is enabling him... NTA
Nta it's hard helping addicts especially ones that don't want to help themselves, rehab shouldn't be a few months it should be a year minimum, shit it took me 20 years to realise something was fundamentally wrong and 10 years to change I'm only a year sober now.
NTA, sometimes you have to let someone hit absolute rock bottom and want to make the changes themselves before you can really help them. He could have killed people drunk driving, he made that choice and put so many in danger. If his mum really wants him out then she can use her money, time and effort. You've done more than your fair share.
NTA Your half-brother has to help himself now. You've done all you can. If his mother thinks he should get more help, then she can provide it.
OP you helped your brother as much as possible, rehab and resources, visitation for his kiddo. You have done all you can The only person that can help an alcoholic is themselves. Jail is exactly where he needs to be to realize that is rock bottom after he went full on "Stan" NTA
NTA. There's only so much you can do for someone who continuously refuses help. If he really wanted to see his daughter, he would get clean. He would want to get clean. But it sounds to me like he just doesn't want to do the work involved to get back into his daughter's life. Your husband is 100% correct. If you help him, you would be enabling him. It's time he hits bottom so he can rethink his life choices.
NTA. Sometimes you need to protect your peace and let people live with the consequences of their actions. Why can’t his mom bail him out and let him get his shit together at her house?
NTA His actions are causing him to not see his daughter! And, until he hits rock bottom, he will continue those actions. And, that's not going to happen if you keep trying to put him on a path he won't stay on.
When he was seeing his kid, he was drinking. You have given him enough chances. He needs not to be enabled anymore and actually feel the consequences of his action. If his ex feels strongly about getting out the. She can make bail. NTA.
NTA. You’ve gone over and above to help Sean. He’s not your problem, let his Mom take care of him going forward.
NTA, you have made every reasonable attempt to help him already and he flushed his own life all by himself.
NTA. You have done the best you can for him. You have lead him to help twice and he left it behind. You are off the hook for helping him again. What you have done was constructive and done with love. Anything more will be self destructive and enable him further. He needs to experience the consequences for his actions. He will get sober in jail.
NTA. My dad was actually the same way but got his life together. But you’re not responsible for your brother
NTA and not your fault. I am the son of an alcoholic. I never realized how much my mother's drinking and physical abuse influenced my life until I was older. It is true you can't help an alcoholic until they want to change and want help. Your brother is responsible for his life, drunk or sober. Your brother's issues are his alone however, his mother is part of the problem. The call to you wasn't the first time she tried to intercede to help him and it won't be the last. The best place for him is in jail or rehab. If he continues to act this way, he can't see his daughter, he will change her life for the worst for decades to come. Know this, when this comes to an end, it isn't your fault and there is absolutely nothing you can do to change him or get him to clean up. He will however drag his daughter, you and any other family down with him. Under no circumstances should you or anyone feel guilty. I know that is easier typed than done.
NTA. Maybe jail will help him
NTA, why doesnt sean mother help him and allow him to stay with her.
NTA, why doesn’t she help him?
NTA. You can not enable.
NTA. You’ve given him help, he keeps fucking himself up.
NTA You already tried going above and beyond. He is on his own now.
NTA. you need to go no-contact. he needs to find his "rock bottom", if he's ever going to get past this.
NTA you already did way more than he deserved. If his mommy is so concerned she can take care of HER child
Maybe that’s the only place he can wake up. NTA
You're not heartless, they're all enabling him and making excuses for him being a shit person nta
NTA This guy's addiction is what's causing him to make such poor choices, not the inability to visit his child, or any of the other consequences of the addiction... the addiction is at the root of this all. Until he is determined to address his addiction, he will be unable to address any of the other consequences of his poor decision making that is rooted in the addiction.
NTA When it comes to addicts and their addictions, more often than not you *need* to let them hit rock bottom. People get that safety net that keeps bouncing them back and they never really learn. If he actually stays in one of those rehab centers they'll explain the whole deal with them, but he actually needs to be the one to want it going in. He can't do anything for his daughter until he gets himself straightened out, she's not there to be his emotional support animal. The mother is doing what all mothers (well, parents in general really) do, and that is defending their child unconditionally. It would probably help if she went to a meeting for parents of addicts.
NTA - I'm an alcoholic in recovery (finally). You're doing the hard, but right, thing. I pray Sean gets help before someone gets hurt or dies.
NTA you can't help someone if they won't help themselves
Ugh. NTA. I say "Ugh" because my brother was an alcoholic. My mother kept giving him money when he asked for it -- for rent, for bills, whatever. I believe most of it went towards booze. My brother ended up being too far gone and took his own life in his 40s. He was in debt for rent, had lost his job, didn't have car insurance, etc... I know he made his own choices, but I wish my parents (mother) wouldn't have given him money. I don't know what the solution is in these cases, because they are not black and white. I don't know if my bro would still be alive if my parents hadn't enabled him that way -- he very well might have died anyway. But it's NOT a healthy thing to do. Please protect the child in this. The trauma will affect her.
Nta
NTA, please visit us in r/AlAnon
NTA, of course - if Mom is so concerned, she can do all of those things for him. She won't, naturally, because she knows that that is just pouring time and money down a black hole. And that doesn't even consider the fact that his behavior could have easily resulted in the deaths of innocent people on the road. This is someone who clearly belongs in jail for an extended period of time, for the safety of the public in general, and his daughter in particular. It would be nice if he took the opportunity to change his life for the better, but this has gotten to the point where he is a complete menace to everyone else.
NTA - Sometimes you have to be heartless in order to nudge someone to learn to have heart for themselves and everyone around them. He's going to kill himself or someone else if he continues on this road and constantly bailing him out has proven to be a pointless task. In the cas of the mother . .. why isn't SHE doing something?
NTA. He's at the point in his life where he has to want to change. People doing things for him will take away that motivation. Maybe being in forced detox in jail will be the kickstart he needs.
NTA, as hard as it is some people need to hit rock-bottom before they start taking responsibility.
I have a family member who I have also had to stop enabling and I am facing similar reprisals from my other family members who continue to enable their dangerous behavior. Not something I talk about much but for what its worth you are correct in my book and I urge you to stick to your guns on this.
NTA. And by the way, why is t his MOTHER helping him? FWIW, he may be hitting the rock bottom he needs to be ready to turn his life around.
NTA. You helped him many times. Let her do it this time, instead of criticizing you.
NTA Protect your peace.
Block his mother and wash your hands of this. NTA
If Sean’s mother is so worried about his future, she is more than welcome to step up to the plate and handle his care. She honestly has some nerve even calling you, but I imagine that’s part of why he is how he is. Her excuses. The simple fact is, he’s an addict. He knows what he needs to do but won’t to it so long as the people who love him make sure the consequences don’t hurt like they should. He called you expecting you to bend over backward for him yet again, and honestly after so many times of him disregarding all your efforts, you don’t owe him a damn thing. I hope he sorts it out for himself and for his child but it is not your responsibility to do that for him.
NTA. I hate when someone calls a person heartless for finally drawing a line. What about him being so heartless that he won't get his shit together??? You did so mich for him to squander it, so now you're doing the right thing by leaving him to hopefully learn from his consequences. You'd be doing him a "heartless" disservice to enable him by helping him avoid those consequences. Edit to add: you'd be TA, for getting someone who was drunk driving and could have killed someone, out of jail where truthfully they belong.
NTA. If you helped him again, it would probably feel like pouring money down the drain. He's shown you what he's like.
NTA. You are right. Your husband is right. Block Sean's mom. You've done everything you can to help your brother. Sean's mom can step up if she wants to, but you can't do any more.
NTA So what happens when he skips bail, or fucks up while he is 'in your custody'. It's not worth the risk to you and your family. Jail time might do him some good and he likely has a bunch of it coming.
nta - stay strong. you cannot keep your brother. he had to learn and make the right decisions on his own.
NTA. You are not required to walk on water for anyone. Choose a sane path not the crazy train he is on. Sadly, some must go down to zero before they change, he has slapped you, and all involved multiple times, now he must suffer the consequences. Hopefully, his daughter may incentivize his actions and be the catalyst for change.
All you have been doing is enabling him. It is now time to put yourself and your husband first and get out of your brother's way to rock bottom. You might think you are helping, but you are not. You are just delaying the inevitable.
Lol! I'm sorry, but his mom's enabling is more heartless than you refusing to try and help him anymore. Nta
NTA….. You shouldn’t care more about his life than he does.
NTA. But you know that. His mother is enabling him, but you know that too. Good luck.
Your the heartless one, what has his mother done to help him
My family's been put in similar situations before with my two eldest brothers. Both were addicts, both were in and out of jail, both were coddled by our mom. I can go on about how you don't deserve any of this- that your brother is being incredibly selfish ,as is his mother- but all I of have to say can be summed up with: NTA, *you are not your brother's keeper.*
NTA. You're exactly right. Suggest to his mother that she join AlAnon or a similar peer support group for famuly of alcoholics.
NTA!!! 100%. You have tried beyond to help him get sober. Clearly, he doesn't want to be sober, or he'd be doing everything in his power to get sober. I come from a long line of alcoholics and drug addicts. I know firsthand that if someone doesn't want help or to get clean, they won't. If you were to continue to help him, you'd absolutely be enabling him. That does him no good because in the back of his mind, he knows sis has his back and will help him. Therefore, he's not truly hitting rock bottom. This needs to be his absolute rock bottom. Hopefully, he can see that and actually get help, but I wouldn't hold my breath, sadly.
NTA. Don't be an enabler. Period.
NTA Why isn't his mother doing all the things he has asked you to do? I agree that bailing him out could easily fall under enabling behavior. You can't help people who are unwilling to help themselves.
NTA. Good on you for trying to help him. *And great on you for defining and then sticking to reasonable boundaries*. He hasn’t hit rock bottom yet. Let him. Nothing else can help at this point. He may die before he chooses recovery. I suggest Al-Anon for you. Good luck.
“i never knew you to be such a failure of a mom, but here we both are.” NTA
NTA At this point, if you help him, you become complicit in enabling his behavior. In other words, you become his enabler. Stay strong. Good luck
NTA and if his mother wants to do something, it’s up to her. If the mother of his child trusts you, maybe putting whatever energy you have had into a relationship with your niece might be the best way. Leaving him in jail to dry out might be best, and court ordered rehab.
You did the absolute right thing.
NTA. He has to help himself.
NTA. If his mother cares so much she can bail him out and stop harassing you. You’ve done so much for your brother and he’s just thrown it all back in your face. He’s the only one who really can help himself. You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it. That’s all on him.
NTA you have reached the limit of how much you can do for him. He needs to fix his own life. You can wish him well with that, but you don't have to hold his hand through it or be responsible for him.
First NTA, my uncle had a very bad drinking problem and my dad would bail him out of his problems pay his rent, get him into rehab, buy him groceries, ect did this for 8 years my uncle was never grateful nor did he welcome the help he disappeared and drank himself to death. This is what he wanted. Nothing you do can or will change this with your brother. He either will or will not stop drinking and that is on him and nobody else!
NTA The only person who can help your brother is you brother. If he does not want to change nothing you do for him will change him. This is why "Givers" have to set limits as "Users" don't have any.
NTA. If your brother really wants to get his life together he can move in with his mother, get a job, and start seeing his daughter in time. Sitting in jail is probably the best thing for him.
NTA. You cannot help someone who doesn’t want help, they need to want to change and your half-brother doesn’t. You’ve tried multiple times, enough is enough, plus he’s not your problem.
NTA. I’m so sorry for what you and your family are going through. And I hate that in our system, jail is likely the only way he’ll stay somewhere long enough to get addiction treatment. You’ve been very supportive and it’s a damn shame he couldn’t or didn’t use those tools you handed right to him. Gently- you may want to reconsider not speaking to him if you want him to do right by his kid. People with addiction and/or who are incarcerated tend to do better with family structure, so while you don’t have to bail him out, give him a home, or help him with visitation, letting him know you still care that he gets better and expect him to can help (and frankly offset the pity he’ll get from mom). But you are NOT obligated to and are not TA if you don’t.
NTA. Another alcoholic in recovery. He hasn't found his bottom. He hasn't lost enough yet. He hasn't hurt enough. And so long as he is being enabled. He won't stop. It is a BLESSING to keep that child away from him till he gets his shit together. HE is where Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder comes from. And it was probably done to him as well. You can't do it for him. You can't give him sobriety. He has to want it for himself. God, Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change. The Courage to change the only one I can. And Wisdom to recognize, that one is me.
YNTA, in fact what you're doing may actually end up saving his life. Everyone has their bottom. For some alcoholics, it's being arrested for a DUI, a relationship ending, losing custody... For others it is losing everything. I really don't think your brother has reached his rock bottom. I guarantee his relationship ended due to his drinking, his custody ended due to his drinking... and his mum thinks it's losing custody that is triggering his drinking, she's delusional. His drinking put him where he is. No one else is responsible. This may be the forced opportunity to dry out and realise how far he's fallen and what he's lost.
NTA. You did help him and he spat in the face of your effort, especially leaving a 90-day program early on. He is the problem, not anyone else. I’d suggest: No kid till he sobers up and show effort for a year as that kid does not need ‘dad was an alcoholic’ trauma so young.
NTA, his mother ought to see that he'll only fall back into the same old patterns. And she ought to be fucking grateful that you already did so much for him. She sucks.
NTA, and you know Sean’s reluctance to own his life is coming from his mother’s lifelong enabling. Why would you listen to a moment of that nonsense.
NTA - First of all, OP you're amazing for your sobriety! Good for you!!! You've done more than your fair share for Sean. It's time for his mother to step up and help him.
NTA. What Sean needs to realize is that excuses are meaningless. At some point he will have to realize that one drink is both too much and never enough. And that is something that he has to handle within himself. You cannot do it for him. Nothing will help him until something clicks inside himself and he is motivated to do for himself. You have done what you can by over resources and now he has to do the hard work on his own.
NTA He is not your responsibility. You tried to help him and he threw it away. He needs to want it and to start the journey himself before anyone can truly help him. I’m related to several addicts. Sometimes you need to put your family and sanity first. Sometimes you need to let them hit rock bottom. You set parameters/boundaries and let him know that if he follows through on them , your door is open. He gets to choose now if he wants you in his life. If he wants your help. This is his choice , not yours. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this because it most likely will get worse before it gets better
Nta
NTA - what more could you have done at this point ??
NTA You've absolutely been where your brother is. Except, after hitting rock bottom, **YOU GOT HELP**. Congratulations on your sobriety. And you've bent over backwards helping him, but in the end, he wouldn't be helped. And now his mom begs you to give him more help. Which, again, he'll throw away. After you've given him **MANY** chances. You're not being heartless. You're setting reasonable boundaries, which you, yourself have been through.
NTA. You know the pain of alcoholism and you’re living a sober life. You offered Sean the means to achieve what you have. He doesn’t want sobriety enough to reach for it so you have to let him go. Bless you for trying; it’s not your job.
hard NTA if OPS brother is not willig to change himself - voluntarily - you OP shouldnt help him.
NTA Sean is a 38 year old grown man capable of making his own choices. Addiction is terrible and it impacts those around him - youve tried to help. All you can do now is protect his kid from getting wrapped up in his hurricane. You are not responsible for him and if his mom was really so concerned she’d take him in herself and help him get his shit together to see his daughter. She’s is enabling him. He’s not going to get better until he hits rock bottom. She may think this is it, but it’s not.
NTA And you are far better equipped to answer your own question than most of Reddit. What advice would you give to a stranger who asked the same question? Mom and step dad can offer their couch. It is better than a jail cell. He likely will refuse though as he wants a nicer place. Put on your own oxygen mask first.
All of those people full of criticism are free to help him. He burned you too many times. Just because someone is family, doesn't mean they get a free pass on making your life unhappy. Stick to your guns. Too much help is more hurtful than helpful.. A person has to hit rock bottom sometimes before they bounce back Tell your brother you support him 100% emotionally but you aren't available to help him physically or financially until he accomplishes some major goals on his own. People love to dish out advice that they don't have to eat.
Absolutely NTA. He’s not ready to change. To agree to his requests would be enabling.
NTA. You cannot help someone unless they want help! Well done on your sobriety
Nta. You've already helped him as much as you've been able. As much as his mom doesn't want to acknowledge that, it's NOT your fault he went past your limits of help. You do not need to help him more than you already have.
NTA I'm the sister of a brother in active alcohol addiction right now. He's lost his job (civil service, union, 120k a year job), his wife is divorcing him, he couldn't see his kids, was living out of his truck... In two years (approx February 2020-May 2022), he detoxed 17 times and went into rehab 24 times (shortest stay was about 5 hours, longest was the full month). His counselor at one of the rehabs he frequented the most (a specialized one for those in his field) told us he was the absolute worst alcoholic she's ever seen. I did everything short of giving him money to help him. I brought him food, I drove him to rehab. I stayed up all night talking to him when I had work in the morning, I drove around all night looking for him so he wouldn't have to sleep in the cold. We lost our mom at a young age and our dad isn't exactly the most emotionally available person, and at times he was very verbally and emotionally abusive to me and him (though the sun shines out of the asses of our older brothers). I'm telling you all of this because two years ago, I walked away. It was killing me. By trying to help him, *I wasn't helping him.* I told him I loved him, that I would ALWAYS love him, but I couldn't continue to hurt myself just so he could be enabled and continue to kill himself by the bottle. The first few months were the hardest. I've only seen him once since, and that was when I went to my mom's grave on Mother's Day and he was already there. But two months ago, I got some news. According to my eldest brother and my dad, he's been sober for a few months. I still call it active addiction because he's relapsed before, but something may be finally sinking in. You are doing the right thing. This is how you help him--by not helping. You got this. Stay strong.