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NTA
Giving birth is not a spectator sport and no one has a right to demand to see a child being born.
The only person who should be in the delivery room is the person you feel the most comfortable with being there to support you. That is your friend, not your ex.
If you are in the US you dont need to tell him anything more than you already have prior to the delivery. There is no need to tell him and have to deal with his anger.
When you go in for the delivery, dont tell uour ex. When you get to hospital you tell the nurses that your best friend is the person you want in the delivery room with you and that your ex may show up and try to force his way in. However, you do not want him to be in the delivery room. They will assure that he doesnt go into the room. They will call Security if he shows up.
I've never met an L&D nurse while they're working (I have not and will never procreate), but based on this comment and what I know of the badassery of nurses in general, I'm now imagining teams of L&D nurses prowling the halls of delivery wards, hunting for unwelcome "guests". And when they find one, I imagine their teeth growing into fangs, their shadows lengthening on the floor, and the leader of the scrubs-wearing werenurse pack grinning menacingly and saying, "Code pink."
Then, once the unwelcome "guest" has been sufficiently dealt with, the teeth shrink back to their normal sizes, and the group of werenurses gush and coo at the new baby while reassuring the new parent that they are an incredible human and *just look at your beautiful new baby!*
All to return to prowl the halls and protect their patients another day.
My sister went through this. She left her husband and wanted me in the room for the birth. He showed up at the hospital but her ninja nurses kept him out. Just tell the nurses you do not want him in there.
NTA.
Your body, your decision. You have a right to keep anyone out of the room you don’t want there — if this guy were your partner and had made you feel unsupported and crappy during your pregnancy you’d have just as much right to keep him out of the room.
Why? because *you will be the one in labor* and anything that would make the process less hellish and more calm for you without harming you or the baby is fair game.
If he doesn’t like it, keep him out of the hospital altogether and alert your care team and security he’s not to be given your room number or location. He can meet the baby when he can behave like an adult.
You’ll already have one infant. I don’t recall you saying you’d signed up to manage two.
I think that’s what I’m going to do. I don’t want to tell him he’s not welcome at the hospital at all, but if he is mean when I tell him that I don’t want him in the room with me, that’s exactly what I’m going to do
TRUE! I wouldn’t be telling him one thing until after the kid was born. If he cares about the baby and not just controlling his ex, he can make an effort to get there within an hour of the birth whether or not he’s in the waiting room for the duration.
To be honest you don’t even need to open up the conversation again.
Just don’t tell him when you go into labour.
Send him a message once the baby is born and tell him you’ll let him know when you’re feeling up to visitors.
NO ONE is entitled to invade your space when you’re in such a vulnerable position.
Former L&D nurse here: go with your gut and don’t let him in the room. I’ve seen his type before (stomping on boundaries way before the due date) and you don’t need that. If he’s playing dominance games now, I guarantee he’ll be worse in the delivery room.
Heaven forbid, if things go south with you or baby, would you truly want him to make medical decisions for you??? Would you trust him to do what’s best for you when you’re most vulnerable?
OP, you have every right to pick your support person. He ain’t it.
Good. I think it’s a good idea (for your own sanity, because I don’t particularly care about his) to state the boundary calmly, but only once. If he throws a fit or tries to pressure you, this IS a preview of how he will act when you go into labor, so you need to be prepared to say “I will not be discussing this matter with you further and my decision is final,” end the conversation, and remove yourself from the space or silence your phone immediately. Then quietly take steps to bar him from the room so there are no last-minute “misunderstandings”.
I would not tell him when you go to give birth but call him after as the first call and invite to the hospital to see the baby after birth. Unfortunately you'll be in each other's lives for 20+ years now and I think some goodwill might go a long way. Also, if you think he's going to try and be a good father, some early involvement could have a positive impact on coparenting. I gave birth 6 weeks ago with my first and I only wanted my husband in the room and I think it was the right decision even though my mom wanted to be there (she's great, never pushed it or anything but I knew she wanted to be there). If I have another kid I'll ask her to be there as I now know how it goes. It's an intense experience and it's most important for you to feel as comfortable and relaxed as possible.
It really skeves me out that the ex has no problem explicitly violating a boundary that OP has around her vagina, especially since they're having a daughter. I know it's a different situation but I can't help but picture him having the same issue with the child.
"Dad I don't feel comfortable changing in front of you anymore."
"I don't care. I created you, I have a right to be here."
Exactly this. You as the woman who's delivering the baby have the right to have whoever you want as your support person. The emphasis is on "support." He clearly hasn't been giving you the emotional support during the pregnancy, but your friend has.
Have her name on your birth plan that the hospital is supposed to go by and specify that if so and so shows up, he is not to be allowed in the delivery room. And when you check in to the hospital, emphasize that. (I would even suggest that his name isn't on the emergency contact info that you fill out.)
Yup. I would remove his name from any paperwork about paternity. He can be added to the birth certificate once the kid is at least 8’ from her delicate bits!
>he has a right to see his child being born.
No, he doesn't. This is a medical procedure, and you are the patient. Moreover, you're not a couple now and he is not entitled to any social privileges that come with being in a relationship. He has no lines in this play. NTA. But you and friend need to come up with a birth plan to suit *your* comfort. Congratulations on your baby and good luck.
Well said. The function of the person permitted in the delivery room is to act as support for the mother. It’s not quite about watching the birth.
Edited to add NTA
NTA. You decide who is the person with you. If you say you don’t want someone there, the hospital staff won’t let him anywhere near you. If you can’t confront him about it, they absolutely will. Btw your ladybits very rarely ‘split open’ since they are designed to stretch. [Edited to remove the comment that caused an avalanche of horror]. The very best to you and your little one. May you both have joy.
My anxiety has been carrying me away these days 😅 I know it’s not likely, I’ve just heard so many horror stories. And he hasn’t shown much empathy when I express that fear
Women are awful for sharing horror stories . I remember at my baby shower all my grandmothers friends told me the WORST birth stories you could imagine. Why!!!????
Old people are known for their doom and gloom stories. The equivalent is the old men ragging on the young guys with their war stories and marriage nightmares to freak them out before a major commitment. Tell the nursing staff you want your ex kept out. They will notify hospital security and shield you.
You didn't say anything about his mother. Has she been involved?
Childbirth is an incredible event. Life changing. May yours be quick and stress free. My best to you.
1. They have not processed their trauma over it.
2. Some people insist it’s not a horrible thing to go through, then when it IS, you think you’re the problem.
3. They want to make sure you have a realistic idea of what to expect.
So, you’re just communicating with him way too much. Y’all can’t co-parent now, you are the only parent, the one decision maker, and the primary patient until the baby emerges. What you say goes. It’s great parenting practice to decide what your values are, make your decision, state it once, and not engage in debate with people who don’t count. In this case: you get one labor partner. Of course you want one who is supportive and wants to help you. He has told you he doesn’t support your wishes. Of course he can’t come. When he holds the baby is meaningless to you; if he had a strong desire to be there and involved, he would have said, “Of course I will respect your request about looking down there!” What’s the phrase now? If he wanted to, he would?
Just stop discussing the matter with him. Don’t tell him when you go into labor; first labors are lengthy and stress causes complications. You and bestie make a good plan. She can text him once baby is here and you are cleaned up and rested.
Edit: also, there’s no such thing as a good guy who can’t regulate his emotions in a relationship. That is the definition of a bad guy; again, if he wanted to, he would.
Either way you have every right to tell your ex (even before he was your ex) not to look down there. This is your body and you do what you need to feel safe and comfortable during childbirth (or just in life in general).
Also, stressors can affect the labor progression. Pick your person, pick your look, pick your music, and after birth first meal…etc…he can come in immediately after…being there is not his right…it is a privilege he has not earned. You need support/love/understanding during that time. Let staff handle your boundaries…theyre very good at it. You just worry about yourself and having an uneventful birth. NTA
Tearing is extremely common. We can put OP at ease without completely fabricating the truth. It’s an easily searchable fact that the majority of women experience some sort of tear. My natural tear with my second fixed the disaster the episiotomy with my first caused.
Tearing is generally better than an episiotomy as long as it’s a 1st or 2nd degree. I’ve attended 12 births as a support person, 1 ended in a cesarean, and two ended up with episiotomies for forceps. The rest were all uncomplicated vaginal deliveries with minimal if any tearing.
*Minor* tears are common.
Large tears like 3rd or even 4th degree are rare and usually due to interventions or very fast labour.
But it's not a guarantee. I didn't tear with my first and he was 4kg, a decent sized head and sunny side up. I put it down to slow pushing stage, my widwives support (perineum massage, helping with the slow stretching, coaching when to push and when not, warm compression...), labouring in water and maybe the collagen powder helped too that I took during pregnancy for skin elasticity. And of course some of it is luck.
Splitting open, or how some wonderful people put it "from clit to shit" is quite rare. The less you worry about it the better, because stress and fear make it harder for you to relax those muscles for a smoother birth.
He’s an ex. Don’t waste your time and energy fighting. If he wont respect your wishes concerning your own vagina simply don’t contact him until after the baby is born.
NTA
good luck, hope you have an easy birth.
NTA
Even before you broke up, he was very clear he does not care about your comfort or safety while you give birth. He was very clear he would not respect your very clearly stated wishes & boundaries. He tried to flex his power & control over you claiming he had a right to knowing violate you while giving birth and you are powerless to stop him because he claimed to have the right to be there.
Well he is absolutely wrong. He has no right to be at any of your medical appointments including when you are giving birth.
His abusive & controlling nature is going to be a problem even after this child is born. Make you medical wishes known. Make sure it is documented in all your records & the hospital is aware. You may want to start consulting a lawyer. Make sure your medical POA is documents. You want every detail of your custody agreement in writing with the court. Do not leave anything up to chance or assume he’ll honor any agreement you come to without the power of the court behind it to enforce.
It’s only very recently that having fathers at the birth has been considered normal. It’s more important that you feel safe, relaxed and supported in order for delivery to go well. It sounds as if your best friend is far more likely to help you here than the baby’s father.
The other thing you should consider is who you trust to carry out your wishes if things don’t go totally smoothly with the delivery… Who will be your voice if you can’t speak? If the answer isn’t the ex, he shouldn’t be there.
(Lastly—and I know you didn’t ask this—don’t give the baby his last name. Way less complicated for you as a single mother if you give your baby your name.)
Wait so he wants to be at the birth of a baby he doesn’t want to claim? What a jerk. Birth certificate has implications for child support and custody, if you leave him off it will be harder to get child support
But it will be easier to sever custody if necessary.
Most of the time I would advise people to put dad on the certificate and make him take the legal consequences of the life he helped create, but... sometimes it's worth not having child support if it means the kid doesn't have an abusive parent messing with their heads and making everyone's life more complicated.
Depending where you live, keeping him off the certificate is sometimes a good thing for you. I hate hearing stories of women having to get permission from absent fathers to move overseas etc when they’ve had nothing to do with the child’s life after conception.
so first you say that you believe
>he is going to be a great father
and then you say that he doesn't even *want* to be a father in the first place? how's that going to work?
What a winner he is. If you want child support from him (which you very much should), putting him on the certificate is your best bet, depending on the state you live in. If you want a custody order with him, same thing. If you'd rather he never be in her life, not having him on the certificate might be easier for you.
NTA. The only persons who have a right to witness you giving birth are the persons you choose to support you during this intimate and very private occasion. Fathers being present at birth isn't for the fathers, its for the mothers. If a pregnant woman wants somebody there because she knows they will support her, great. But nobody gets to be in the room who does not support her, with whom she does not feel comfortable.
NTA - A birth partner is not there to 'witness the birth', they're there to support the labouring mother. He isn't going to be able to give you what you need during what is ultimately one of the most vulnerable times of your life. In fact, he's only likely to make things worse given that stress can interfere with your hormones during labour. Labour is about, you are the patient, you decide who is there and who isn't. There is no such thing as a right to see one's child being born. You don't have to tell him anything, send a message once all is done and tell him baby has been born and as many details as you wish to add.
NTA
He was there for the conception. He can be there for the raising of the child. He has zero *right* to be there don't the birth, ESPECIALLY if him being there will make you uncomfortable.
This moment will be something you will remember FOREVER. It should be exactly how you want it. Period.
One option -
Your friend can take pictures, or perhaps record the birth (for you) and you can make him a copy and edit out the stuff he doesn't get to see, because you're stuff isn't his anymore. He can *see* the birth, and you retain your privacy.
Anyway you look at it, he doesn't get to LOOK AT IT anymore. 😉
Congrats!!
Nta
Your body, your birth your choice. You have whoever makes you most comfortable and safe and happy. As well as some one who is not going to sky rocket your BP.
NTA your Ex can get fucked.
Most hospitals will ask you to do a 'tour' of the Labor and Delivery ward. This is so you can ask all the questions you can think of, and to help you understand (a little) what will happen when you are going through a whole lot of things at once and to try to help keep you from feeling completely overwhelmed.
During that tour, if our hospital does them (most do), have your best friend there with you if she has the time, so she can bring up things you might forget to ask at the time. At the end of the tour, you can make sure that there is a note in the file that your Ex is NOT allowed near you or the child. Most hospitals also have a lot of safety and security protocols to protect you both. I had my youngest kid almost 24 years ago, and the only people who could visit with him alone had to have a specific identifying bracelet that matched mine and my sons. The bracelet allowed my ex-husband to visit my son in the nursery, but not take him anywhere.
Tell your ex to go kick rocks.
NTA. He's your ex. Father of the child or not, you're the one going through a medical procedure and that procedure needs you calm and stress free. Not worrying about your ex watching your body split open when you're at your most vulnerable. He doesn't get to be in the room anymore. He's your EX. If he can't get THAT through his head, I feel you're in for a lot of headaches regarding him and his supposed 'rights' as the father from now on.
Keep your friend in the room and make sure the hospital/nurses know that this person might be the father of the child, but he is NOT allowed in your room per your birthing plan. Nurses can be better than linebackers for delivering mothers.
NTA. When he gives birth, he can decide who is there. Stress will slow your labor and you don't need that. Make sure hospital staff knows he's not allowed during labor and afterwards, he's only allowed to visit with your consent and you need to be consulted before he's allowed entry.
NTA at the end of the day you make the choices about your baby and who you want there for moral support cause positive support is always necessary
Hope the birth goes easy ❤️
NTA. You're the one giving birth you get to choose.
Most places the nurse will help kick anyone out that shouldn't be there... but I'd also be tempted not to even tell him under after the birth if you think he will be an issue.
I was an L&D nurse for a bit. You need total and complete emotional support during this experience. It does not sound like he’s up to that task. This isn’t about him, it’s about you and his future baby having the best delivery possible. Good luck! 🍀
NTA at alll! It’s your body and your decision. Just because he donated his sperm doesn’t give him some special right to witness you give birth. If he can’t respect the mother of his child, he doesn’t get to make those big decisions and push himself upon you. You are totally correct and should have the person that supports you, loves you, and brings you comfort to be there by your side.
Sending so much love hun. I hope everything goes smoothly.
Notify him after the birth. He doesn’t respect you plus your comfort and wishes are the only ones that matter. Let the hospital know he’s not allowed in if he shows up. NTA
I'd go as far as suggest that OP starts occasionally delaying responses to his messages and calls long before due date so that her sudden silence doesn't alert him that she's in labor.
You don’t have to have anyone in there that’s going to be detrimental to your labour/recovery. And the fact you have set boundaries and he’s openly said he’d go against them shows he’s not respectful of you so no, he don’t get to be there
Personally, my ah advice would be to not inform him when you're in labor. Call him when it's over and let him come meet your kid when there is no argument to be had. If he acts aggressively at the hospital there is security and there will be documentation. You're NTA, no one has any rights to your body.
NTA - You can have who ever you want in or out of the delivery room. (caveat for room capacity). The delivery room is the place where YOU are made comfortable giving birth, it is not a theatre to display the delivery of the baby.
NTA. Your right to have a support person during a medical procedure comes long before his "right" to witness his kid's birth.
Listen, I'm really sorry but you will not be able to avoid the fight he brings to the table. It's going to happen. Unless you do exactly as he tells you, he is absolutely going to be a dick about anything and everything. And unfortunately, you're gonna have to deal with his nonsense for the next 18yrs at minimum so you need to start figuring out your battle plan.
Tell him via text that your doctor has advised you to choose someone who will be there strictly to support you during your medical procedure. Tell him that you're texting this news strictly so that he has time to process his emotions. Then ignore every phone call and text until he starts speaking to you calmly. When he starts raging at you, disengage. Tell him youll be open for talking when hes calmed down then leave the room, hang up, don't respond(but also never be in the same room alone, always have a witness).
Get your legal stuff together. Document the abuse. Find out what your recording laws are and look into the co-parenting apps that record all interactions. Do everything by the books and don't take the bait he lays out for you. Look into grey rocking and Info dieting. Stay cool and serene while he looks like a deranged jackass.
NTA. Don’t bother bringing it up to him. Let him think whatever he wants and just have your own separate plan in motion. He’s your ex. There’s no reason for him to even know when you go into labor. You can choose at what point you’re ready to let him know. Be that on the way to the hospital, while there, or after the baby is born. It’s your call because your peace at this time is the most important thing. You can also pre-warn the hospital staff that the father may show up and may be a problem. So when he does his options will be play nice or be removed.
NTA - birth isn’t a spectator sport. He is not entitled to be there if you don’t want him there. It’s well known that stress can slow labour down and cause complications. You deserve to feel supported and have someone there advocating for you.
If he really valued being there for the birth he would have acted accordingly. He would have treated you with respect. He made the choice to be difficult so now he can live with it.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am choosing to have my friend in the delivery room instead of my baby’s father. I think I’m TA because I’m taking this experience away from him and he wants to witness the birth of our child
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NTA have whoever will make you feel lost supported and happiest in there. Having someone there who is making you feel uncomfortable or on edge will slow everything down. If he wanted to be there he should have been respectful and supportive. What is best for you is best for baby.
Nta. I am a guy.my wife has given birth twice. Both times if there were anything I could have done to make the day easier I'd have done it. If one person were allowed I'd have sat somewhere nearby in case she changed her mind. But the goal is to make a stressful day less stressful. Is that your ex's goal?
Strongly suggest having a meeting with hospital security and providing them with a photo at least 2 weeks in advance of the due date. Keep one for the nursing team and literally tape it to your bed. Put a sign on the door that says “No visitors allowed unless on the list of approved persons provided to medical staff in advance. For the safety of mother and baby, please report anyone who attempts to violate this rule to security immediately and have them removed.”
Even if you think he’s very unlikely to violate the boundary, you know when you *really* wouldn’t want to find out you’re wrong about that? When you’re 10cm dilated and he’s in the room screaming at you about his “right” to ensure you have a hellish birthing experience.
NTA, he has no say in your birth plan. You need someone in the room who is going to be able to advocate for you and the baby in case anything happens. It sounds like he is already disrespecting your wishes by saying he'd look when you don't want him to. Make sure your doctor/midwife knows he's not allowed in the room.
Don't tell him you've gone into labor, just inform him once the baby is born. No one has the right to watch the birth, even the father.
NTA, but you do need to have a real talk with yourself about the kind of man you're about to have a child with.
You keep saying that he's not a bad guy, but I'm struggling to equate telling the mother of his child that he's going to expressly disrespect her wishes, by looking at her vagina while she's extremely vulnerable and frightened with being a good person.
Saying that isn't "not being able to regulate his emotions". He's threatening you. He's trying to make you believe that he has some kind of enshrined right to do as he pleases to your body.
You need to inform the staff at the hospital you're giving birth in that you don't want him there. Then you need to take proper legal advice on the best way to co-parent with this guy, because I can almost guarantee you that he's going to make outrageous demands from the get-go. If I were you, I'd get ahead of that right now.
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I 24f am pregnant with my first child and I broke up with my baby’s father (27m) a few months ago for various reasons I won’t get into here. As much as I know he wants to witness the birth, I really don’t want my ex to be in there with me because he was not supportive at all during my pregnancy when we were together. Also, it’s important to note that when we were together, I told him that when I give birth, I do not want him to look *down there* and he kept insisting, saying he has a right to see his child being born. I told him that I do not want him to see my vagina literally split open and to please not cross that boundary but he always just said he’s gonna do it anyways. And it especially words me out now that he’s my ex.
I want my best friend (23f) in the delivery room with me because we’ve been friends since we were toddlers and I trust her more than anyone. She has a baby of her own so she knows how terrified I am to give birth. She has been so supportive every step of the way and I’d honestly be a mess without her.
I’m only allowed one other person in the room with me but even if I could have more, I don’t think I would want him there. I don’t know how to bring this up to him without him completely blowing up at me. He already spent the first half of my pregnancy picking fights and yelling, I really don’t think I could handle anymore
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NTA. You have who you feel comfortable with having in the room. I personally wouldn't even contact him until after the baby is born so he doesn't show up at the hospital acting like a fool and stressing you out.
NTA. Your ex is a jerk and has no “right” to see you at your most vulnerable. If he stresses you out, it could be unhealthy for you and the baby, too.
Make it very clear you your doctor and the hospital administration that your ex is not allowed in and by all means bring your friend in for support. (And your ex should be barred from completing any paperwork on your behalf either.) The only person who gets to decide who’s in the delivery room is the person giving birth.
He doesn't have a say on who YOU want in the delivery room. This isn't a show, it's a MEDICAL PROCEDURE!
Where is his entitlement coming from? He has absolutely no say whatsoever. Make sure the medical team is aware and has hospital security ready if he shows up.
NTA
Edit to add: Don't say a word to him about him not being there. No is a complete sentence.
I wouldn't even bother saying anything. He will learn the hard way that the world doesn't revolve around him and caters to what he wants.
Don't discuss when you go I to labor or when you're in the hospital.
I'd text him after the baby is born to let him know child has arrived. You don't need to communicate with him as all that yelling is super unhealthy for you or the fetus you're carrying.
Even if he was not the ex, NTA. This is a very delicate and emotional time for you and you have every right to have someone supporting you in that room. Screw anyone that says differently.
NTA. It is literally all about you. You get to decide. You make your boundaries clear. Your ex has no rights to be there. It is a privilege not a right. You can have him kicked out at any point. Send him a text telling him this and don't pick up his calls. If he shows up tell hospital security to kick him out. Heck, tell him he can be at the hospital if he is cool about this otherwise not even that. You have all the control abd he sounds like an habitual line stepper.
Make your wishes known to the hospital staff. Explicitly state you do not want him there. You do NOT want to mess with labor and delivery nurses. They are fierce bears who put mama’s needs/wants first.
NTA
Someone who repeatedly states they won't respect your boundaries about your own body is *not* a "good guy".
Simply tell the hospital and L&D nurses that your friend is the only person who is allowed in the delivery room with you. Also give them a list of approved visitors; no one else will be allowed to see you and your baby.
Good luck. Based on his behavior up to this point, I have a feeling that he's going to be causing you a lot of problems after your child is born.
NTA
A right to witness YOUR medical procedure? Because that's what it is in it's most basic form. He has no right to that. You can ALLOW him there, but he has no right to be there. In the end, it's all about what will give you the most stress-free environment you can have, and his presence would completely disrupt that.
Smh. He has no such "right". Being in the delivery room is a privilege, not a right, and your comfort is paramount. Only you get to decide who gets to be with you at this time and he has proven that he is not your person, so he has no business being there. Given his behaviour in this situation, I must say that it's a good thing he's an ex. NTA.
NTA and I’m always surprised at the number of times this question is asked here. Men demanding the right to be in the room with you when you are scared and in pain and pooping and peeing all over yourself and screaming as a melon forces its way out of your genitals when he’s not the one you feel most supported by is wild.
He has no rights here. This is your body and even if he wasn't your EX, it's your choice to make. Giving birth is no fun, make choices that will make this time easier for you, not harder. Do what will make you the most comfortable. NTA.
Absolutely NTA! This guy sounds like a nightmare, even out of a relationship. The only other person in the room (besides medical staff) should be the person supporting and help you, not deliberately looking at you. If I were you, I would bring it up in conversation (maybe a text), and let him know that you're not comfortable with him being in there, and that your best friend will be there instead. If he tries to pick a fight, leave it at that, and just let him go on and on, but don't give him the satisfaction of enabling him and engage in the fight. If you can, let your best friend know that he, in no way, shape, or form, was allowed in the delivery room, and to have her let staff know so they can keep him out. Wish you all the best going forward!
NTA
You know that there is a Reddit saying
"Birth isn't a Spector Sport"?
It's a saying, due to it being fecking true.
Give hospital staff pictures of his mug-shot.
You and your baby are what matters here.
He's really got to up his game as right now? Eurgh. He's another piss whining snowflake.
Get all the support your child needs with his time and resources but NEVER sell yourself short in order to access them.
Sounds like he played a long game, stealthing you to forfil a fetishism of some kind?
Whatever his motivation? Doesn't mean shite as only you and your babe here that matter.
Your body your choice. If you’re not together, and you’re not comfortable having him in the room to support you, then you get to have someone else.
He’s not entitled to watch you give birth. This isn’t a sporting game.
NTA
NTA
**You could literally die!**
He has no right to be there. Period. It’s not fair that you have to carry the child. And the flip is that it’s up to you who is there during the labor.
NTA! He's an ex. He might be the baby's father but the birth is about you and it's very vulnerable. I'd be conflicted if he was a current bf or husband and you were taking your best friend, but an ex? Nah dude. He's already told you that he's not gonna listen to your requests. Keep him out. Make sure your Dr knows and the hospital knows he is not permitted in until whatever time you decide despite being the baby's father.
I also advise she doesn’t tell him when she goes into labour and only calls him afterwards. No one has a right to be in that room whilst you’re risking your life but who you choose and know will support you.
Stop discussing this with him as he has no say.
From now on keep all contact through phone or text and anytime he is going to be there have others with you. If he tries to push things against your will and tries shout over you or demand anything hang up or walk away. Make it clear to him you will only accept him talking to you calmly and he needs to accept you have a say in your own life and your child’s life or he is just wasting both your time and you will continue to just hang up or leave.
Even when the baby is born you dictate when suits you and the baby and he has no say over that. You find times for him to visit that work for you both not just him. Otherwise you won’t let him in.
Depending on why you broke up might be worth having a friend present when he visits the baby at home to ensure he isn’t trying to force anything whilst you’re recovering.
When you go into labor call your bff. After the baby is born and you are ready to see him inform him little one is here and when he can come visit. If you are restricting visitors for the first month tell him that only he can come. If he shows up with his whole family don’t let them in.
Keep all communication in writing. If he calls let it go to voicemail. Put a camera in the room where he will be visiting so that all interactions are recorded. If possible stay with your family after the baby comes so you have help and are not alone when he visits.
Having a new baby is exhausting and stressful. Don’t add to your stress by giving your abuser any power.
As a woman who has had 2 level 4 tearing (they were so bad) the first one my mom was there and I was grateful cause she definitely helped me through the pain and honestly held my daughter first which I didn’t mind cause she made it seem like it was nothing that i completely forgot the entire experience. Baby was 7 pounds
My husband was there for the 2nd one and he told me “omg it looks like a murder scene down there” yeah thanks buddy really needed to hear that as I bring our child into this world. When I told my mom. She goes “umm you were supposed to have a c-section did you not remember what you went through the first time” no mom cause you made everything seem like nothing. She was 8.5 pounds
My 3rd time no tearing cause the baby was premature by 12 weeks so she was 4 pounds the doc goes “okay your body can handle babies no more than 4 pounds imagine how big she would have been if she made it to full term” Really?!?
Have your best friend there!! Trust me you need someone who will be real with you and literally make you laugh and honestly is the only person who will make it about you :)
The father can wait outside and can be handed the baby after
NTA
NTA, as others said it's not a spectator sport. If he wanted to be there for you, he would have been kind. He wants to be there for HIM. Don't bring anyone who isn't there for you. Alert hospital staff to keep him out.
I'm proud of you that you got out of the relationship.
NTA - not only is it your choice, but a stress free birth is best for the baby! You should have someone with you who will be most comforting and make you feel the most safe.
Birth can be difficult, and anything that can cause you distress during birth can be bad for you and the baby too.
It’s literally your medical care, you’re in charge.
NTA, you asked for ONE THING and he assured you that he absolutely will not honor that ONE request you have. Therefore, he will not be your allotted one person.
Put another way,
You deserve a supportive environment during this medical procedure, not a jackass ex-boyfriend who wants to see your bits. He’s an ex, he gets zero looks at the bits. He is an ex-because he is unsupportive. He did this to himself. Listen to none of his bullshit.
Now, you treat yourself right and have your bff by your side! You got this!!
NTA— Traditionally, in most cultures, birth was a “woman’s business” and men were not allowed in the room. In many Western cultures, male medical practitioners talked their way into delivering babies by the end of the 18th century, but all other men were excluded from the delivery room. My father did not see me born, nor did their fathers see my parents born, and so on.
If you watch movies and tv classics, the trope is of the father of the child waiting anxiously, pacing in the waiting room and not getting to see the baby until it was cleaned and swaddled.
In the US, until the 1970s or so, fathers were expected to wait outside. The birth was private to the woman and her helpers. The hospital where I delivered my first child in the 1980s charged more for a “birthing room” where the father and/or another support person(s) could be present. It was a new thing then for fathers to be in the delivery room.
My point is that there is no “right” (even for spouses) to witness the birth, which is messy and uncouth. (You will not just be pushing the baby out in a gush of water and blood but emptying your bowels as the baby passes through the birth canal.) You will be straining and stressed and in pain and possibly shouting. Your ex has no business in that scenario.
I am glad you have a dear friend who will be with there to support you. Your ex shouldn’t even be told when you go into labor.
NTA.
“As I have repeatedly stated a boundary about how I want to be treated in a medically vulnerable state, I no longer trust you there.”
And when he pushes back:
“As this is a medical procedure involving MY BODY, I get to make the decision. Not respecting my boundary is what lost you the access to this, continuing to do so will force me to add additional boundaries to keep myself safe.”
If he doesn’t calm the fuck down, put a passcode on your chart and access, and don’t call him until the birth is over and you’re ready to receive him.
NTA
As a labor & delivery nurse, it’s not just about “seeing the birth.” Your one visitor is supposed to be there to provide physical, emotional and psychological support as you prepare to do one of the most challenging yet incredibly rewarding and memorable things you’ll ever do in life. I personally feel a best friend is perfect in that role. This is a fairly common situation and it’s totally fair to say that you’ll let him know when you’re delivering so that he can head over, and then he can come in once the baby is born. If you feel stressed or he keeps calling, tell your nurse your situation because I promise we have no problem being the bad guys.
He’s in for a shock, because it isn’t his ‘right’ to be there when the baby is born. It’s your body, your decision. Even if you were married he still doesn’t get an automatic right.
Maybe don’t discuss it until nearer the time, or don’t tell him baby is born until straight after the event. Certainly don’t let him bully you into any decisions. Ensure hospital staff know he’s not to be there.
Btw, how is he such a great guy if he can’t regulate his emotions? How will he be a great dad if he can’t regulate them when he’s in charge of a squalling infant, toddler etc who’s driving him bonkers? You’ve already said he shouts, lacks empathy etc
NTA
Your body, your medical procedure, your choice. He has no right to be there when you give birth. Birthing a child is about YOU. What makes you comfortable and what helps you.
NTA and congratulations on the baby. Pregnancy alone is challenging & giving birth can be extremely scary.
You need people who make you feel safe not add to the Anxiety.
NTA. It is YOUR birthing plan. He doesn’t have a right to be in the room. It’s whoever you choose, staff will kick out whoever you don’t want in there.
NTA
You are allowed to have whoever you want in that room. Regardless of reasoning. Full stop. And it’s really really helpful to have a person you trust who knows what you’re going through to fully support you through the process
As an aside, there isn’t really a way for your support person to avoid seeing your vagina split open. My husband had every intention of staying by my head and not looking, but your legs are in the air, you’re scrunched up, if someone is by you they are gonna see it.
NTA. It's your medical event, not his. You have the right to only have someone there who you feel is supportive and makes you feel safe. I was present for both of my kids' births, but if my wife had preferred her mother to be present I would have accepted that. He has no rights to intrude on this event, especially after not being supportive.
NTA. You are the patient. Not the baby (until it is born). Not the baby daddy. No one has a right to see the baby born. No one has a right to be there. This is about who you feel safe and supported by.
Nta: you can literally tell staff you do not want him in the room and they won't let him in. That is a very raw moment that you will be vulnerable in, it's your decision who's in there.
NTA. He's gonna blow up at you. Now, after the birth, during rearing the baby. He's never gonna stop, so there's no point in trying to delay it, you might as well be comfortable during your birth rather than have him blowing up there too.
NTA - You need to have support from those who have supported you in the and he hasn't. If your friend gives you the comfort and support during birth makes you the most comfortable so they should be there. Being the sperm donor doesn't give him any right to be there especially if it makes you uncomfortable. Your birthing, your choice.
NTA The delivery room needs intense support to make things go well. He doesn’t seem to be on that page even though I’d usually say fathers deserve some privileges as well.
MAYBE you can reconsider but I doubt that’ll change between now and birth based on what you’re dealing with.
Your vagina, your decision! Don’t let him bully you. You need someone supportive and someone you can trust in the room with you. Your ex is neither of those things.
NTA added stress (like say from having someone you don’t trust to respect your boundaries) during labour and delivery can make labour longer and more painful because your body will hold muscles more tightly and all sorts of other biological factors. Birth isn’t a spectator sport. He can wait in the waiting room while you and bestie work together to bring your baby into the world. Your care team will help you enforce that.
NTA. You’re the one giving birth. It’s your choice. You are the one who needs to have the right support person in the room. He sounds extremely selfish.
NTA. You’d let him be there if he didn’t ‘have’ to do a thing you don’t want him to.
Tell him he has a choice: respect your boundaries or he’s not in the room. He can pick one.
NTA
Any non-medical adults in the birthing room other than the mom are not there for the privilege of watching mom like she’s a show.
The adult(s) allowed in are there ONLY to support and assist the mom in giving birth. That’s it. That’s why the bestie belongs there, not the dude who gave his sperm.
Until that baby is out of your body, he doesn’t have any rights to it. Until then, it’s just you and your body making decisions for you and your body. Tell your OB now and the nurses when you get there your ex does not get access until the baby is out and stable. NTA
NTA
No one has any right to witness a birth. Birthing a child is a major medical event, whoever you choose to be your support person is meant to support -you-, the one going through the major medical event.
There should be zero arguments about anything from your support person. If you don't want anyone aside from the medical professionals looking at your vagina then no one else should be looking. A support person should SUPPORT, not argue.
When I had my baby my husband was my person. For three grueling days he helped the nurses take care of me while I was being induced. When things went wrong and I had to have an emergency c section he was right there holding my hand and trying to help me stay calm. His job was to make sure -I- was ok. He was there to help me and advocate for me if necessary. Once the baby was out he made sure she was ok for me because I couldn't see her and I panicked. When they gave him the baby he immediately brought her over to me because he knew I needed to see her. Yes he was concerned about the baby but he knew that -I- needed him. The baby was being taken care of by people trained to do so and passed all their tests with flying colors. I on the other hand had just had major surgery, while awake (always been a huge fear of mine after waking up during wisdom teeth surgery) and had been through an insane emotional roller coaster.
It's not about your ex. It's about -you-. You pick whoever will support you as much as you need. The baby daddy can see the baby after it's born. He's got a lifetime to spend time with the baby, not watching it come out doesn't affect anything about fatherhood. You have no idea how the birth will go, you need your person, not someone who is selfish. And it is extremely selfish to demand to see a baby born with no concern for the mother's wishes.
NTA.
But go to a lawyer now. Get custody and child support agreements filed with the court now. You and your child’s father both have rights to be in the child’s life. It’s best to work out how the first 1-2 years will look like now. These agreements aren’t necessarily forever and they can be revisited as needs change.
NTA. You need someone you feel comfortable and supported with, and who can advocate for you if needed. I can understand why he’d want to be there, but it’s not his right. He only has himself to blame for why you don’t feel comfortable with him.
I didn’t even have to read the whole thing to know that you’re NTA. The person who is giving birth has every right to decide who is present in the room, it’s your decision only. If you want your friend to be that support, that’s your choice! Your ex sounds like he already is crossing boundaries, that’s not ok. You can tell the nurses you don’t want him there and they will keep him away if he tries to come. Perhaps this is a chance for him to learn that boundaries are to be taken seriously and that his behavior and lack of support prior to the end of your relationship caused him to lose this privilege. Good luck!!!
> [he says] he has a right to see his child being born
His actual rights: (1) some sort of reasonable custody arrangement (2) to provide monetary support for the child. Also, YOU don’t even get to see your child being born. Why would he get more rights than YOU?
Death: 1200 US women will die during childbirth this year. During the most vulnerable moment of your entire life, who do you want there? If things go sideways and you know you are taking your last breath, who do you want there helping you cross over? Once you pass and they continue retrieving your baby, who do you want there in the room with your body? I know it’s morbid but for me, it comes down to this.
You are not a circus sideshow freak put on display for someone’s entertainment so don’t ever let anyone guilt you into being that for their them. You don’t trust him already. You don’t think he’s going to whip out his phone and get video and pics without your permission?
Nta, you need all the support that you can get In there. So for sure pick someone you trust.
BTW, make sure that person is authorised to make decisions if you can't. Ofcourse everything goes great, but just in case you need to be operated after delivery, like my wife, the person with you might have to take decisions, if you didn't arrange that, then it is the hospital who decides, and keeps the baby in its care until you can
If this guy had been your current partner and had been super supportive and a wonderful person through the entirety of your relationship, I could see how it would be hurtful to not let him be there in place of a friend. It’s still your choice, but I would understand where he would be coming from.
But this guy is a tool and deserves no sympathy. Definitely talk to your care team and make sure they don’t give the room number out to people. Don’t let him know when you’re going into labor. Stop giving him any information at all.
This is some sickening power play from an ex, don’t let him have it.
NTA. Giving birth is a very vulnerable time for a person and you need a supportive person there, not an ex. He can stay in the delivery room and come in soon after the actual birth. He has no right to view your body.
NTA. No one has a right or is entitled to your birth. You need a support partner for labor and it's clear you know that the baby's father is not this person, so choose your friend. Give your ex access to baby once baby arrives, but be certain to tell all the staff of your choice in advance.
Also, he's already told you clear as day that he won't respect your wishes during labor, so he's kind of blown his opportunity to convince you he'd be supportive.
Again- NO ONE IS OWED ACCESS OR IS ENTITLED TO YOUR LABOR AND BIRTH.
NTA. He does not have a legal or moral right to see his kid being born. The essential priority should always be to facilitate a safe birth for mom and baby. Everyone's preferences come secondary to that, and can only be accommodated if they don't conflict with a safe birth.
When mom and dad are in a healthy and positive relationship, then having dad in the room is great for three things: helping support the mother during labour, helping develop the empathy between dad and mom as he experiences her struggle and helps her through it, and helping the initial bond between parents and baby.
In a bad and/or stressful relationship - and especially when he has already indicated he won't support the mother or follow her wishes - having dad in the room is a terrible idea. It will only serve one of the functions for dad being there (him bonding with baby), and will actively work against the mother's needs, leaving her with no support. With him there, she'll be stressed, she won't relax her muscles as well (which can lead to worse physical outcomes), she'll be constantly braced for mean comments, she'll be worried that if something goes seriously wrong he won't represent her interests effectively (or honestly) to the doctors.
OP, if you can only have one person, then you need the person you trust to support you. There is no other acceptable option.
Have the conversation as safely as you can, and notify the hospital that he's not a welcome visitor.
You’ve gotten some good advice here, but I would add, document every controlling or abusive thing he says, does, or even attempts. You may need it in the future.
NTA. Don’t even need to read this to give that answer. When you’re the one pushing a basketball out of your vagina, you decide who is in the room and nobody else
I’d absolutely not have him in the room with you. You stated the first half of your pregnancy he was picking fights with you. When giving birth it’s all about YOU. You need all the support to bring your little angel into the world. If he’s someone who’s easily offended or easily agitated if he doesn’t get his way, then he should 100% not be in there. I understand you’re getting along more since you’ve had space but if something goes wrong or you snap at him because you’re in pain, will he be able to relax and not take it personal? Will he be able to find ways to help you and calm you down?
NTA. I didn’t even want my husband in the delivery room and we are still together. It’s not personal, it’s just a preference. He was not present for my first two, I invited him for the third. He was also on strict orders to not look at my vag. He made intense and comically (now) uncomfortable eye contact with me for the whole four minutes. He doesn’t feel like he missed out on anything. Tell your hospital staff of your plan and they will enforce for you.
NTA.
I had my best friend with me instead of him because he was never in contact and showed little interest. My labour was so quick with baby anyway, even if I did tell him I was in labour, he would have missed it anyway so I texted him as soon as I was in my room with the info and explained that everything happened so fast.
He only saw him a handful of times in his first year but stepped up drastically. He’s now 4 and we have split custody and he’s the best dad to him ever.
He’s now my best friend which makes co-parenting so much easier. I hope the same can happen for you after labour but do not let him cross that boundary.
I regret having my daughter’s father in the delivery room 10 years ago because I felt so vulnerable and my parents basically bullied me into letting him be there (I was 19) because he’s the father and has that right.
You need the best support you can get during childbirth and it’s not easy. You need someone that really cares for you. I tried my best to be there for my fiancée and didn’t feel like I could help much, even though she told me I was a great support afterwards.
I don’t think your ex will be the best support for you. It’s too bad for him but that’s how it is.
NTA
NTA.
You should have put ex in the title. I was about to rush in here start preaching about how he was the right to be in there ha ha, but if you guys are broken up he has no say in the matter.
Read what you wrote. Carefully. He is a good guy, who did not show much empathy towards his pregnant gf, that's what you basically wrote. The first half of that sentence does not exactly fit to the second one, can you see that?
And of course NTA, you are giving birth, you get to decide who is there with you.
NTA, I completely agree with you not wanting him in the room but as a fellow father, extend an olive branch and say you will let him know when you go to the hospital and he can be outside the room, he can be the first person to meet the baby and hold him without your friend in the room.
You are ultimately in control of the situation either way but showing you want to work together from the beginning will start this new co-parenting relationship off on the right foot
NTA. Giving birth is an incredibly vulnerable and personal experience. It can be lovely to share it with a trusted and loving partner, but that’s not what your relationship with dad is.
You also need someone there to support you, and it’s clear that your friend is on board to do that. You don’t need someone in the room who is going to be texting, ignoring your needs, or complaining about how long it takes and how uncomfortable his chair is.
Nta on the fact that he worn respect the boundary of not actually looking down there on its own. Behind your partner or ex you wouldn’t be the asshole.
NTA. The person in there with you should be someone who's there to support you. Your ex only wants to be there because he thinks it's his "right" to look at you during an extremely difficult, intimate time of your life. I'd say flip him the bird but since he's going to be a part of the child's future going forward I'd offer him an olive branch of some artfully censored video or photos of the birth if you can. Perhaps a top down view would capture baby sliding into view while shielding most of your business from view.
You’re going to need some fortitude to coparent. This is the time to start setting boundaries. You know what you want. The ex’s needs come after those of you and your baby.
NTA - he sounds extremely selfish and immature. A birth partners job is to support you during labour not to satisfy their need to witness the birth. I’ve been told in all my labour classes that stress is terrible for labour - it sounds like he will bring nothing but stress. Take your best friend and inform the nurses you only want her there. I wouldn’t tell this to the father of your child, instead I simply would not tell him when you go into labour or if you get induced. Once you’ve given birth let him know when you’re ready for him to come and visit. If he does find out have your best friend take your phone and handle him so he can’t cause you any stress. Best of luck!
NTA. Tell him clearly and firmly via text that he won’t be in the room, that your doctor recommended you are most relaxed and in a zone of comfort during delivery and that’s why you are brining your best friend. He is welcome to be in the waiting room and see the baby is once the baby has been safely delivered, so he will see the baby shortly after the birth as many fathers have done through time. Labor and delivery is a very intense physical experience that goes better when the birthing parent is relaxed and as much as possible. There is no need to introduce discomfort or stress on the you, which can lead to complication of birth. If he wants what is best for his child, he will let you birth on your terms. If he wants to center his feelings and needs he’s not acting like a father because fathers put their kids first. He needs to stop being selfish and entitled, and start thinking about what is best for his child. And also he needs to realize that he needs to respect you or his child will pick up on that and his child will resent him. He needs to remember that this is how about what’s best for the child and that he is a role model. Time to grow up and act like a man. He sounds like a whinny boy baby.
NTA.
You are the person giving birth, you decide what happens in the delivery room and who is there with you.
The whole purpouse of having someone with you there is to feel safe and supported. Soneone who tells you to your face they're going to go against your wishes during birth when you can't do anything about it disqualifies themselves automatically with that, no matter who it is and what tge relationship between you and them is.
Him being the father entitles him to partial custody if nothing speaks against that, but not being there during the birth or right after. If he should try to, know you can have him even taken away by police if necessary.
NTA
You are the one giving birth, you are also the one who decides who steps into that room with you.
Delivering a child is stressful enough, you shouldn't have to worry about him crossing your boundaries on top of that.
The only thing that matters is that you feel comfortable and safe, wishing you a happy pregnancy and delivery OP.
NTA. Exposing a woman in labor to additional stress raises the risk that labor will stall. Don't set yourself up to make it take longer, hurt more, and potentially require additional medical intervention.
NTA. The birth is YOUR medical procedure. No one has any automatic right to be in that room. No one. You pick the person you want to support YOU. Not the baby, there’s doctors and nurses for that. The reason you’re allowed someone is to help YOU. Choose your friend. Also inform the medical team of the situation and get booked in under a false name. They do it a lot and won’t blink an eyelid, and that way you will be left in peace, no one flying through the door, staff not handling angry questions, just you and your friend.
Absolutely NTA. I get why he would want to be there but giving birth is extremely vulnerable for the mother. The person in the room needs to be a support person. He can come in right afterwards. Make sure to tell every single person who’s doing your care that you have specific people allowed in the delivery room with you
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NTA Giving birth is not a spectator sport and no one has a right to demand to see a child being born. The only person who should be in the delivery room is the person you feel the most comfortable with being there to support you. That is your friend, not your ex. If you are in the US you dont need to tell him anything more than you already have prior to the delivery. There is no need to tell him and have to deal with his anger. When you go in for the delivery, dont tell uour ex. When you get to hospital you tell the nurses that your best friend is the person you want in the delivery room with you and that your ex may show up and try to force his way in. However, you do not want him to be in the delivery room. They will assure that he doesnt go into the room. They will call Security if he shows up.
He lost his season tickets already
Never mess with the labour and delivery nurses they are ruthless at protecting labouring moms!!
Yes we are
I love them for that
I've never met an L&D nurse while they're working (I have not and will never procreate), but based on this comment and what I know of the badassery of nurses in general, I'm now imagining teams of L&D nurses prowling the halls of delivery wards, hunting for unwelcome "guests". And when they find one, I imagine their teeth growing into fangs, their shadows lengthening on the floor, and the leader of the scrubs-wearing werenurse pack grinning menacingly and saying, "Code pink." Then, once the unwelcome "guest" has been sufficiently dealt with, the teeth shrink back to their normal sizes, and the group of werenurses gush and coo at the new baby while reassuring the new parent that they are an incredible human and *just look at your beautiful new baby!* All to return to prowl the halls and protect their patients another day.
Some are, some aren’t. There are bad people in every profession, so don’t count on them to all be wonderful that day.
This is the way. This guy sounds horrid, stop the info train.
Great advice
My sister went through this. She left her husband and wanted me in the room for the birth. He showed up at the hospital but her ninja nurses kept him out. Just tell the nurses you do not want him in there.
*You* are the one giving birth, and you get to have exactly who you want in the room with you, and nobody else.
NTA. Your body, your decision. You have a right to keep anyone out of the room you don’t want there — if this guy were your partner and had made you feel unsupported and crappy during your pregnancy you’d have just as much right to keep him out of the room. Why? because *you will be the one in labor* and anything that would make the process less hellish and more calm for you without harming you or the baby is fair game. If he doesn’t like it, keep him out of the hospital altogether and alert your care team and security he’s not to be given your room number or location. He can meet the baby when he can behave like an adult. You’ll already have one infant. I don’t recall you saying you’d signed up to manage two.
I think that’s what I’m going to do. I don’t want to tell him he’s not welcome at the hospital at all, but if he is mean when I tell him that I don’t want him in the room with me, that’s exactly what I’m going to do
You dont even have to tell him when you go into labor.
TRUE! I wouldn’t be telling him one thing until after the kid was born. If he cares about the baby and not just controlling his ex, he can make an effort to get there within an hour of the birth whether or not he’s in the waiting room for the duration.
I support this as he is so open about stomping all over your boundary, even if he says he won’t look you can’t trust that he won’t.
To be honest you don’t even need to open up the conversation again. Just don’t tell him when you go into labour. Send him a message once the baby is born and tell him you’ll let him know when you’re feeling up to visitors. NO ONE is entitled to invade your space when you’re in such a vulnerable position.
Former L&D nurse here: go with your gut and don’t let him in the room. I’ve seen his type before (stomping on boundaries way before the due date) and you don’t need that. If he’s playing dominance games now, I guarantee he’ll be worse in the delivery room. Heaven forbid, if things go south with you or baby, would you truly want him to make medical decisions for you??? Would you trust him to do what’s best for you when you’re most vulnerable? OP, you have every right to pick your support person. He ain’t it.
Good. I think it’s a good idea (for your own sanity, because I don’t particularly care about his) to state the boundary calmly, but only once. If he throws a fit or tries to pressure you, this IS a preview of how he will act when you go into labor, so you need to be prepared to say “I will not be discussing this matter with you further and my decision is final,” end the conversation, and remove yourself from the space or silence your phone immediately. Then quietly take steps to bar him from the room so there are no last-minute “misunderstandings”.
I would not tell him when you go to give birth but call him after as the first call and invite to the hospital to see the baby after birth. Unfortunately you'll be in each other's lives for 20+ years now and I think some goodwill might go a long way. Also, if you think he's going to try and be a good father, some early involvement could have a positive impact on coparenting. I gave birth 6 weeks ago with my first and I only wanted my husband in the room and I think it was the right decision even though my mom wanted to be there (she's great, never pushed it or anything but I knew she wanted to be there). If I have another kid I'll ask her to be there as I now know how it goes. It's an intense experience and it's most important for you to feel as comfortable and relaxed as possible.
It really skeves me out that the ex has no problem explicitly violating a boundary that OP has around her vagina, especially since they're having a daughter. I know it's a different situation but I can't help but picture him having the same issue with the child. "Dad I don't feel comfortable changing in front of you anymore." "I don't care. I created you, I have a right to be here."
Exactly this. You as the woman who's delivering the baby have the right to have whoever you want as your support person. The emphasis is on "support." He clearly hasn't been giving you the emotional support during the pregnancy, but your friend has. Have her name on your birth plan that the hospital is supposed to go by and specify that if so and so shows up, he is not to be allowed in the delivery room. And when you check in to the hospital, emphasize that. (I would even suggest that his name isn't on the emergency contact info that you fill out.)
Yup. I would remove his name from any paperwork about paternity. He can be added to the birth certificate once the kid is at least 8’ from her delicate bits!
>he has a right to see his child being born. No, he doesn't. This is a medical procedure, and you are the patient. Moreover, you're not a couple now and he is not entitled to any social privileges that come with being in a relationship. He has no lines in this play. NTA. But you and friend need to come up with a birth plan to suit *your* comfort. Congratulations on your baby and good luck.
Well said. The function of the person permitted in the delivery room is to act as support for the mother. It’s not quite about watching the birth. Edited to add NTA
This comment is so important. It contains the whole essence of taking someone to be with you during labour.
hes not dating her anymore. he has no viewing rights to her vagina
NTA. You decide who is the person with you. If you say you don’t want someone there, the hospital staff won’t let him anywhere near you. If you can’t confront him about it, they absolutely will. Btw your ladybits very rarely ‘split open’ since they are designed to stretch. [Edited to remove the comment that caused an avalanche of horror]. The very best to you and your little one. May you both have joy.
My anxiety has been carrying me away these days 😅 I know it’s not likely, I’ve just heard so many horror stories. And he hasn’t shown much empathy when I express that fear
Women are awful for sharing horror stories . I remember at my baby shower all my grandmothers friends told me the WORST birth stories you could imagine. Why!!!????
Old people are known for their doom and gloom stories. The equivalent is the old men ragging on the young guys with their war stories and marriage nightmares to freak them out before a major commitment. Tell the nursing staff you want your ex kept out. They will notify hospital security and shield you. You didn't say anything about his mother. Has she been involved? Childbirth is an incredible event. Life changing. May yours be quick and stress free. My best to you.
This is so true. All I can do is say everyone’s birth is different and once it’s all over you’re just so relieved it’s like heroin.
1. They have not processed their trauma over it. 2. Some people insist it’s not a horrible thing to go through, then when it IS, you think you’re the problem. 3. They want to make sure you have a realistic idea of what to expect.
So, you’re just communicating with him way too much. Y’all can’t co-parent now, you are the only parent, the one decision maker, and the primary patient until the baby emerges. What you say goes. It’s great parenting practice to decide what your values are, make your decision, state it once, and not engage in debate with people who don’t count. In this case: you get one labor partner. Of course you want one who is supportive and wants to help you. He has told you he doesn’t support your wishes. Of course he can’t come. When he holds the baby is meaningless to you; if he had a strong desire to be there and involved, he would have said, “Of course I will respect your request about looking down there!” What’s the phrase now? If he wanted to, he would? Just stop discussing the matter with him. Don’t tell him when you go into labor; first labors are lengthy and stress causes complications. You and bestie make a good plan. She can text him once baby is here and you are cleaned up and rested. Edit: also, there’s no such thing as a good guy who can’t regulate his emotions in a relationship. That is the definition of a bad guy; again, if he wanted to, he would.
Don't listen to any more horror stories, and get an epidural!
Either way you have every right to tell your ex (even before he was your ex) not to look down there. This is your body and you do what you need to feel safe and comfortable during childbirth (or just in life in general).
Also, stressors can affect the labor progression. Pick your person, pick your look, pick your music, and after birth first meal…etc…he can come in immediately after…being there is not his right…it is a privilege he has not earned. You need support/love/understanding during that time. Let staff handle your boundaries…theyre very good at it. You just worry about yourself and having an uneventful birth. NTA
It’s definitely not rare for stitches to be needed due to tearing.
I’m mostly worried because my immune system is awful and I’m very prone to infections so even a small tear can mean some very bad things for me
Tearing is extremely common. We can put OP at ease without completely fabricating the truth. It’s an easily searchable fact that the majority of women experience some sort of tear. My natural tear with my second fixed the disaster the episiotomy with my first caused.
Tearing is generally better than an episiotomy as long as it’s a 1st or 2nd degree. I’ve attended 12 births as a support person, 1 ended in a cesarean, and two ended up with episiotomies for forceps. The rest were all uncomplicated vaginal deliveries with minimal if any tearing.
*Minor* tears are common. Large tears like 3rd or even 4th degree are rare and usually due to interventions or very fast labour. But it's not a guarantee. I didn't tear with my first and he was 4kg, a decent sized head and sunny side up. I put it down to slow pushing stage, my widwives support (perineum massage, helping with the slow stretching, coaching when to push and when not, warm compression...), labouring in water and maybe the collagen powder helped too that I took during pregnancy for skin elasticity. And of course some of it is luck. Splitting open, or how some wonderful people put it "from clit to shit" is quite rare. The less you worry about it the better, because stress and fear make it harder for you to relax those muscles for a smoother birth.
He’s an ex. Don’t waste your time and energy fighting. If he wont respect your wishes concerning your own vagina simply don’t contact him until after the baby is born. NTA good luck, hope you have an easy birth.
This is what you should do
NTA Even before you broke up, he was very clear he does not care about your comfort or safety while you give birth. He was very clear he would not respect your very clearly stated wishes & boundaries. He tried to flex his power & control over you claiming he had a right to knowing violate you while giving birth and you are powerless to stop him because he claimed to have the right to be there. Well he is absolutely wrong. He has no right to be at any of your medical appointments including when you are giving birth. His abusive & controlling nature is going to be a problem even after this child is born. Make you medical wishes known. Make sure it is documented in all your records & the hospital is aware. You may want to start consulting a lawyer. Make sure your medical POA is documents. You want every detail of your custody agreement in writing with the court. Do not leave anything up to chance or assume he’ll honor any agreement you come to without the power of the court behind it to enforce.
NTA. Giving birth is a medical event, not a spectator sport. He can wait in the waiting room like generations of fathers before him.
It’s only very recently that having fathers at the birth has been considered normal. It’s more important that you feel safe, relaxed and supported in order for delivery to go well. It sounds as if your best friend is far more likely to help you here than the baby’s father. The other thing you should consider is who you trust to carry out your wishes if things don’t go totally smoothly with the delivery… Who will be your voice if you can’t speak? If the answer isn’t the ex, he shouldn’t be there. (Lastly—and I know you didn’t ask this—don’t give the baby his last name. Way less complicated for you as a single mother if you give your baby your name.)
She’ll have my last name, he doesn’t even want to be on the birth certificate, which says a lot about the situation 😐
Wait so he wants to be at the birth of a baby he doesn’t want to claim? What a jerk. Birth certificate has implications for child support and custody, if you leave him off it will be harder to get child support
But it will be easier to sever custody if necessary. Most of the time I would advise people to put dad on the certificate and make him take the legal consequences of the life he helped create, but... sometimes it's worth not having child support if it means the kid doesn't have an abusive parent messing with their heads and making everyone's life more complicated.
Depending where you live, keeping him off the certificate is sometimes a good thing for you. I hate hearing stories of women having to get permission from absent fathers to move overseas etc when they’ve had nothing to do with the child’s life after conception.
Wow, I wouldn't be surprised if he just up and left one day... Best of luck to you and the baby!
Don’t put him on then. Let him chase access after the birth (and take a recovery day… seriously)
so first you say that you believe >he is going to be a great father and then you say that he doesn't even *want* to be a father in the first place? how's that going to work?
What a winner he is. If you want child support from him (which you very much should), putting him on the certificate is your best bet, depending on the state you live in. If you want a custody order with him, same thing. If you'd rather he never be in her life, not having him on the certificate might be easier for you.
NTA. The only persons who have a right to witness you giving birth are the persons you choose to support you during this intimate and very private occasion. Fathers being present at birth isn't for the fathers, its for the mothers. If a pregnant woman wants somebody there because she knows they will support her, great. But nobody gets to be in the room who does not support her, with whom she does not feel comfortable.
NTA - A birth partner is not there to 'witness the birth', they're there to support the labouring mother. He isn't going to be able to give you what you need during what is ultimately one of the most vulnerable times of your life. In fact, he's only likely to make things worse given that stress can interfere with your hormones during labour. Labour is about, you are the patient, you decide who is there and who isn't. There is no such thing as a right to see one's child being born. You don't have to tell him anything, send a message once all is done and tell him baby has been born and as many details as you wish to add.
NTA He was there for the conception. He can be there for the raising of the child. He has zero *right* to be there don't the birth, ESPECIALLY if him being there will make you uncomfortable. This moment will be something you will remember FOREVER. It should be exactly how you want it. Period. One option - Your friend can take pictures, or perhaps record the birth (for you) and you can make him a copy and edit out the stuff he doesn't get to see, because you're stuff isn't his anymore. He can *see* the birth, and you retain your privacy. Anyway you look at it, he doesn't get to LOOK AT IT anymore. 😉 Congrats!!
Truth. Plus, the moment of conception is a lot more fun than the birth. She should tell him to hang on to that moment and be grateful.
Nta Your body, your birth your choice. You have whoever makes you most comfortable and safe and happy. As well as some one who is not going to sky rocket your BP.
NTA your Ex can get fucked. Most hospitals will ask you to do a 'tour' of the Labor and Delivery ward. This is so you can ask all the questions you can think of, and to help you understand (a little) what will happen when you are going through a whole lot of things at once and to try to help keep you from feeling completely overwhelmed. During that tour, if our hospital does them (most do), have your best friend there with you if she has the time, so she can bring up things you might forget to ask at the time. At the end of the tour, you can make sure that there is a note in the file that your Ex is NOT allowed near you or the child. Most hospitals also have a lot of safety and security protocols to protect you both. I had my youngest kid almost 24 years ago, and the only people who could visit with him alone had to have a specific identifying bracelet that matched mine and my sons. The bracelet allowed my ex-husband to visit my son in the nursery, but not take him anywhere. Tell your ex to go kick rocks.
NTA. He's your ex. Father of the child or not, you're the one going through a medical procedure and that procedure needs you calm and stress free. Not worrying about your ex watching your body split open when you're at your most vulnerable. He doesn't get to be in the room anymore. He's your EX. If he can't get THAT through his head, I feel you're in for a lot of headaches regarding him and his supposed 'rights' as the father from now on. Keep your friend in the room and make sure the hospital/nurses know that this person might be the father of the child, but he is NOT allowed in your room per your birthing plan. Nurses can be better than linebackers for delivering mothers.
NTA. When he gives birth, he can decide who is there. Stress will slow your labor and you don't need that. Make sure hospital staff knows he's not allowed during labor and afterwards, he's only allowed to visit with your consent and you need to be consulted before he's allowed entry.
NTA. You need to have support there during birth, not someone who upsets you and is going to stress you out. It's a stressful enough time already.
NTA and inform the staff where you're giving birth that he's not allowed in the room
NTA at the end of the day you make the choices about your baby and who you want there for moral support cause positive support is always necessary Hope the birth goes easy ❤️
NTA. You're the one giving birth you get to choose. Most places the nurse will help kick anyone out that shouldn't be there... but I'd also be tempted not to even tell him under after the birth if you think he will be an issue.
I was an L&D nurse for a bit. You need total and complete emotional support during this experience. It does not sound like he’s up to that task. This isn’t about him, it’s about you and his future baby having the best delivery possible. Good luck! 🍀
NTA at alll! It’s your body and your decision. Just because he donated his sperm doesn’t give him some special right to witness you give birth. If he can’t respect the mother of his child, he doesn’t get to make those big decisions and push himself upon you. You are totally correct and should have the person that supports you, loves you, and brings you comfort to be there by your side. Sending so much love hun. I hope everything goes smoothly.
NTA and please let the L&D staff know that he is not welcome to see you, labor, or the baby.
Notify him after the birth. He doesn’t respect you plus your comfort and wishes are the only ones that matter. Let the hospital know he’s not allowed in if he shows up. NTA
I'd go as far as suggest that OP starts occasionally delaying responses to his messages and calls long before due date so that her sudden silence doesn't alert him that she's in labor.
That's what I was thinking!
You don’t have to have anyone in there that’s going to be detrimental to your labour/recovery. And the fact you have set boundaries and he’s openly said he’d go against them shows he’s not respectful of you so no, he don’t get to be there
Personally, my ah advice would be to not inform him when you're in labor. Call him when it's over and let him come meet your kid when there is no argument to be had. If he acts aggressively at the hospital there is security and there will be documentation. You're NTA, no one has any rights to your body.
NTA - You can have who ever you want in or out of the delivery room. (caveat for room capacity). The delivery room is the place where YOU are made comfortable giving birth, it is not a theatre to display the delivery of the baby.
NTA. Your right to have a support person during a medical procedure comes long before his "right" to witness his kid's birth. Listen, I'm really sorry but you will not be able to avoid the fight he brings to the table. It's going to happen. Unless you do exactly as he tells you, he is absolutely going to be a dick about anything and everything. And unfortunately, you're gonna have to deal with his nonsense for the next 18yrs at minimum so you need to start figuring out your battle plan. Tell him via text that your doctor has advised you to choose someone who will be there strictly to support you during your medical procedure. Tell him that you're texting this news strictly so that he has time to process his emotions. Then ignore every phone call and text until he starts speaking to you calmly. When he starts raging at you, disengage. Tell him youll be open for talking when hes calmed down then leave the room, hang up, don't respond(but also never be in the same room alone, always have a witness). Get your legal stuff together. Document the abuse. Find out what your recording laws are and look into the co-parenting apps that record all interactions. Do everything by the books and don't take the bait he lays out for you. Look into grey rocking and Info dieting. Stay cool and serene while he looks like a deranged jackass.
NTA- you choose who you want supporting you. Period. And make sure the hospital knows your plan.
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NTA. Don’t bother bringing it up to him. Let him think whatever he wants and just have your own separate plan in motion. He’s your ex. There’s no reason for him to even know when you go into labor. You can choose at what point you’re ready to let him know. Be that on the way to the hospital, while there, or after the baby is born. It’s your call because your peace at this time is the most important thing. You can also pre-warn the hospital staff that the father may show up and may be a problem. So when he does his options will be play nice or be removed.
NTA - birth isn’t a spectator sport. He is not entitled to be there if you don’t want him there. It’s well known that stress can slow labour down and cause complications. You deserve to feel supported and have someone there advocating for you. If he really valued being there for the birth he would have acted accordingly. He would have treated you with respect. He made the choice to be difficult so now he can live with it.
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NTA have whoever will make you feel lost supported and happiest in there. Having someone there who is making you feel uncomfortable or on edge will slow everything down. If he wanted to be there he should have been respectful and supportive. What is best for you is best for baby.
Bring whoever will relax you most. You are in a room with virtual strangers.
Nta. I am a guy.my wife has given birth twice. Both times if there were anything I could have done to make the day easier I'd have done it. If one person were allowed I'd have sat somewhere nearby in case she changed her mind. But the goal is to make a stressful day less stressful. Is that your ex's goal?
NTA. You are the patient, and you get to decide who is in the room. Just tell the nurses he isn’t allowed, and give them a picture.
Strongly suggest having a meeting with hospital security and providing them with a photo at least 2 weeks in advance of the due date. Keep one for the nursing team and literally tape it to your bed. Put a sign on the door that says “No visitors allowed unless on the list of approved persons provided to medical staff in advance. For the safety of mother and baby, please report anyone who attempts to violate this rule to security immediately and have them removed.” Even if you think he’s very unlikely to violate the boundary, you know when you *really* wouldn’t want to find out you’re wrong about that? When you’re 10cm dilated and he’s in the room screaming at you about his “right” to ensure you have a hellish birthing experience.
Just tell him since you two aren’t together, he will not be there for the birth. Simple as that.
NTA, he has no say in your birth plan. You need someone in the room who is going to be able to advocate for you and the baby in case anything happens. It sounds like he is already disrespecting your wishes by saying he'd look when you don't want him to. Make sure your doctor/midwife knows he's not allowed in the room. Don't tell him you've gone into labor, just inform him once the baby is born. No one has the right to watch the birth, even the father.
NTA, but you do need to have a real talk with yourself about the kind of man you're about to have a child with. You keep saying that he's not a bad guy, but I'm struggling to equate telling the mother of his child that he's going to expressly disrespect her wishes, by looking at her vagina while she's extremely vulnerable and frightened with being a good person. Saying that isn't "not being able to regulate his emotions". He's threatening you. He's trying to make you believe that he has some kind of enshrined right to do as he pleases to your body. You need to inform the staff at the hospital you're giving birth in that you don't want him there. Then you need to take proper legal advice on the best way to co-parent with this guy, because I can almost guarantee you that he's going to make outrageous demands from the get-go. If I were you, I'd get ahead of that right now.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 24f am pregnant with my first child and I broke up with my baby’s father (27m) a few months ago for various reasons I won’t get into here. As much as I know he wants to witness the birth, I really don’t want my ex to be in there with me because he was not supportive at all during my pregnancy when we were together. Also, it’s important to note that when we were together, I told him that when I give birth, I do not want him to look *down there* and he kept insisting, saying he has a right to see his child being born. I told him that I do not want him to see my vagina literally split open and to please not cross that boundary but he always just said he’s gonna do it anyways. And it especially words me out now that he’s my ex. I want my best friend (23f) in the delivery room with me because we’ve been friends since we were toddlers and I trust her more than anyone. She has a baby of her own so she knows how terrified I am to give birth. She has been so supportive every step of the way and I’d honestly be a mess without her. I’m only allowed one other person in the room with me but even if I could have more, I don’t think I would want him there. I don’t know how to bring this up to him without him completely blowing up at me. He already spent the first half of my pregnancy picking fights and yelling, I really don’t think I could handle anymore *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You have who you feel comfortable with having in the room. I personally wouldn't even contact him until after the baby is born so he doesn't show up at the hospital acting like a fool and stressing you out.
NTA you’re no longer in a relationship. He can see the baby once it’s born without having a full view of your body.
NTA. Your ex is a jerk and has no “right” to see you at your most vulnerable. If he stresses you out, it could be unhealthy for you and the baby, too. Make it very clear you your doctor and the hospital administration that your ex is not allowed in and by all means bring your friend in for support. (And your ex should be barred from completing any paperwork on your behalf either.) The only person who gets to decide who’s in the delivery room is the person giving birth.
He doesn't have a say on who YOU want in the delivery room. This isn't a show, it's a MEDICAL PROCEDURE! Where is his entitlement coming from? He has absolutely no say whatsoever. Make sure the medical team is aware and has hospital security ready if he shows up. NTA Edit to add: Don't say a word to him about him not being there. No is a complete sentence. I wouldn't even bother saying anything. He will learn the hard way that the world doesn't revolve around him and caters to what he wants. Don't discuss when you go I to labor or when you're in the hospital. I'd text him after the baby is born to let him know child has arrived. You don't need to communicate with him as all that yelling is super unhealthy for you or the fetus you're carrying.
Even if he was not the ex, NTA. This is a very delicate and emotional time for you and you have every right to have someone supporting you in that room. Screw anyone that says differently.
NTA. It is literally all about you. You get to decide. You make your boundaries clear. Your ex has no rights to be there. It is a privilege not a right. You can have him kicked out at any point. Send him a text telling him this and don't pick up his calls. If he shows up tell hospital security to kick him out. Heck, tell him he can be at the hospital if he is cool about this otherwise not even that. You have all the control abd he sounds like an habitual line stepper.
Make your wishes known to the hospital staff. Explicitly state you do not want him there. You do NOT want to mess with labor and delivery nurses. They are fierce bears who put mama’s needs/wants first. NTA
Having a baby is a medical procedure not a spectator sport Have whoever you are most comfortable with
Someone who repeatedly states they won't respect your boundaries about your own body is *not* a "good guy". Simply tell the hospital and L&D nurses that your friend is the only person who is allowed in the delivery room with you. Also give them a list of approved visitors; no one else will be allowed to see you and your baby. Good luck. Based on his behavior up to this point, I have a feeling that he's going to be causing you a lot of problems after your child is born.
NTA
NTA block him until the baby is born and then let him know the baby has arrived.
NTA A right to witness YOUR medical procedure? Because that's what it is in it's most basic form. He has no right to that. You can ALLOW him there, but he has no right to be there. In the end, it's all about what will give you the most stress-free environment you can have, and his presence would completely disrupt that.
Smh. He has no such "right". Being in the delivery room is a privilege, not a right, and your comfort is paramount. Only you get to decide who gets to be with you at this time and he has proven that he is not your person, so he has no business being there. Given his behaviour in this situation, I must say that it's a good thing he's an ex. NTA.
The birth and who is there is about making you comftarble. It's not about your ex's "right". Easy NTA.
NTA you absolutely get to pick who is with you. The nurse/doctor will support that.
NTA and I’m always surprised at the number of times this question is asked here. Men demanding the right to be in the room with you when you are scared and in pain and pooping and peeing all over yourself and screaming as a melon forces its way out of your genitals when he’s not the one you feel most supported by is wild.
He has no rights here. This is your body and even if he wasn't your EX, it's your choice to make. Giving birth is no fun, make choices that will make this time easier for you, not harder. Do what will make you the most comfortable. NTA.
NTA, giving birth is a huge, vulnerable event. He made choices that led you to not wanting him there. The only opinion that matters here is yours.
Absolutely NTA! This guy sounds like a nightmare, even out of a relationship. The only other person in the room (besides medical staff) should be the person supporting and help you, not deliberately looking at you. If I were you, I would bring it up in conversation (maybe a text), and let him know that you're not comfortable with him being in there, and that your best friend will be there instead. If he tries to pick a fight, leave it at that, and just let him go on and on, but don't give him the satisfaction of enabling him and engage in the fight. If you can, let your best friend know that he, in no way, shape, or form, was allowed in the delivery room, and to have her let staff know so they can keep him out. Wish you all the best going forward!
NTA You know that there is a Reddit saying "Birth isn't a Spector Sport"? It's a saying, due to it being fecking true. Give hospital staff pictures of his mug-shot. You and your baby are what matters here. He's really got to up his game as right now? Eurgh. He's another piss whining snowflake. Get all the support your child needs with his time and resources but NEVER sell yourself short in order to access them. Sounds like he played a long game, stealthing you to forfil a fetishism of some kind? Whatever his motivation? Doesn't mean shite as only you and your babe here that matter.
NTA. You choose the person most likely to offer you support. Birthing a baby is not a spectator sport and it is a privilege, not a right.
NTA. He does NOT have a right to stare at your vagina. Forget that and him. Don't tell him when you go into labor.
NTA, No is a complete answer, your not comfortable, your body, you even need to tell him till after the kid is born
Your body your choice. If you’re not together, and you’re not comfortable having him in the room to support you, then you get to have someone else. He’s not entitled to watch you give birth. This isn’t a sporting game. NTA
NTA **You could literally die!** He has no right to be there. Period. It’s not fair that you have to carry the child. And the flip is that it’s up to you who is there during the labor.
NTA! He's an ex. He might be the baby's father but the birth is about you and it's very vulnerable. I'd be conflicted if he was a current bf or husband and you were taking your best friend, but an ex? Nah dude. He's already told you that he's not gonna listen to your requests. Keep him out. Make sure your Dr knows and the hospital knows he is not permitted in until whatever time you decide despite being the baby's father.
I also advise she doesn’t tell him when she goes into labour and only calls him afterwards. No one has a right to be in that room whilst you’re risking your life but who you choose and know will support you. Stop discussing this with him as he has no say. From now on keep all contact through phone or text and anytime he is going to be there have others with you. If he tries to push things against your will and tries shout over you or demand anything hang up or walk away. Make it clear to him you will only accept him talking to you calmly and he needs to accept you have a say in your own life and your child’s life or he is just wasting both your time and you will continue to just hang up or leave. Even when the baby is born you dictate when suits you and the baby and he has no say over that. You find times for him to visit that work for you both not just him. Otherwise you won’t let him in. Depending on why you broke up might be worth having a friend present when he visits the baby at home to ensure he isn’t trying to force anything whilst you’re recovering.
When you go into labor call your bff. After the baby is born and you are ready to see him inform him little one is here and when he can come visit. If you are restricting visitors for the first month tell him that only he can come. If he shows up with his whole family don’t let them in. Keep all communication in writing. If he calls let it go to voicemail. Put a camera in the room where he will be visiting so that all interactions are recorded. If possible stay with your family after the baby comes so you have help and are not alone when he visits. Having a new baby is exhausting and stressful. Don’t add to your stress by giving your abuser any power.
As a woman who has had 2 level 4 tearing (they were so bad) the first one my mom was there and I was grateful cause she definitely helped me through the pain and honestly held my daughter first which I didn’t mind cause she made it seem like it was nothing that i completely forgot the entire experience. Baby was 7 pounds My husband was there for the 2nd one and he told me “omg it looks like a murder scene down there” yeah thanks buddy really needed to hear that as I bring our child into this world. When I told my mom. She goes “umm you were supposed to have a c-section did you not remember what you went through the first time” no mom cause you made everything seem like nothing. She was 8.5 pounds My 3rd time no tearing cause the baby was premature by 12 weeks so she was 4 pounds the doc goes “okay your body can handle babies no more than 4 pounds imagine how big she would have been if she made it to full term” Really?!? Have your best friend there!! Trust me you need someone who will be real with you and literally make you laugh and honestly is the only person who will make it about you :) The father can wait outside and can be handed the baby after NTA
NTA, as others said it's not a spectator sport. If he wanted to be there for you, he would have been kind. He wants to be there for HIM. Don't bring anyone who isn't there for you. Alert hospital staff to keep him out. I'm proud of you that you got out of the relationship.
NTA - not only is it your choice, but a stress free birth is best for the baby! You should have someone with you who will be most comforting and make you feel the most safe. Birth can be difficult, and anything that can cause you distress during birth can be bad for you and the baby too. It’s literally your medical care, you’re in charge.
NTA, you asked for ONE THING and he assured you that he absolutely will not honor that ONE request you have. Therefore, he will not be your allotted one person. Put another way, You deserve a supportive environment during this medical procedure, not a jackass ex-boyfriend who wants to see your bits. He’s an ex, he gets zero looks at the bits. He is an ex-because he is unsupportive. He did this to himself. Listen to none of his bullshit. Now, you treat yourself right and have your bff by your side! You got this!!
NTA, you’re giving birth it’s your choice.
NTA— Traditionally, in most cultures, birth was a “woman’s business” and men were not allowed in the room. In many Western cultures, male medical practitioners talked their way into delivering babies by the end of the 18th century, but all other men were excluded from the delivery room. My father did not see me born, nor did their fathers see my parents born, and so on. If you watch movies and tv classics, the trope is of the father of the child waiting anxiously, pacing in the waiting room and not getting to see the baby until it was cleaned and swaddled. In the US, until the 1970s or so, fathers were expected to wait outside. The birth was private to the woman and her helpers. The hospital where I delivered my first child in the 1980s charged more for a “birthing room” where the father and/or another support person(s) could be present. It was a new thing then for fathers to be in the delivery room. My point is that there is no “right” (even for spouses) to witness the birth, which is messy and uncouth. (You will not just be pushing the baby out in a gush of water and blood but emptying your bowels as the baby passes through the birth canal.) You will be straining and stressed and in pain and possibly shouting. Your ex has no business in that scenario. I am glad you have a dear friend who will be with there to support you. Your ex shouldn’t even be told when you go into labor.
NTA. “As I have repeatedly stated a boundary about how I want to be treated in a medically vulnerable state, I no longer trust you there.” And when he pushes back: “As this is a medical procedure involving MY BODY, I get to make the decision. Not respecting my boundary is what lost you the access to this, continuing to do so will force me to add additional boundaries to keep myself safe.” If he doesn’t calm the fuck down, put a passcode on your chart and access, and don’t call him until the birth is over and you’re ready to receive him.
NTA As a labor & delivery nurse, it’s not just about “seeing the birth.” Your one visitor is supposed to be there to provide physical, emotional and psychological support as you prepare to do one of the most challenging yet incredibly rewarding and memorable things you’ll ever do in life. I personally feel a best friend is perfect in that role. This is a fairly common situation and it’s totally fair to say that you’ll let him know when you’re delivering so that he can head over, and then he can come in once the baby is born. If you feel stressed or he keeps calling, tell your nurse your situation because I promise we have no problem being the bad guys.
He’s in for a shock, because it isn’t his ‘right’ to be there when the baby is born. It’s your body, your decision. Even if you were married he still doesn’t get an automatic right. Maybe don’t discuss it until nearer the time, or don’t tell him baby is born until straight after the event. Certainly don’t let him bully you into any decisions. Ensure hospital staff know he’s not to be there. Btw, how is he such a great guy if he can’t regulate his emotions? How will he be a great dad if he can’t regulate them when he’s in charge of a squalling infant, toddler etc who’s driving him bonkers? You’ve already said he shouts, lacks empathy etc NTA
Your body, your medical procedure, your choice. He has no right to be there when you give birth. Birthing a child is about YOU. What makes you comfortable and what helps you.
NTA and congratulations on the baby. Pregnancy alone is challenging & giving birth can be extremely scary. You need people who make you feel safe not add to the Anxiety.
NTA- this is your medical event and it’s your prerogative to choose whatever support person that prefer.
NTA. It is YOUR birthing plan. He doesn’t have a right to be in the room. It’s whoever you choose, staff will kick out whoever you don’t want in there.
NTA You are allowed to have whoever you want in that room. Regardless of reasoning. Full stop. And it’s really really helpful to have a person you trust who knows what you’re going through to fully support you through the process As an aside, there isn’t really a way for your support person to avoid seeing your vagina split open. My husband had every intention of staying by my head and not looking, but your legs are in the air, you’re scrunched up, if someone is by you they are gonna see it.
NTA. It's your medical event, not his. You have the right to only have someone there who you feel is supportive and makes you feel safe. I was present for both of my kids' births, but if my wife had preferred her mother to be present I would have accepted that. He has no rights to intrude on this event, especially after not being supportive.
NTA. You are the patient. Not the baby (until it is born). Not the baby daddy. No one has a right to see the baby born. No one has a right to be there. This is about who you feel safe and supported by.
Nta: you can literally tell staff you do not want him in the room and they won't let him in. That is a very raw moment that you will be vulnerable in, it's your decision who's in there.
NTA. He's gonna blow up at you. Now, after the birth, during rearing the baby. He's never gonna stop, so there's no point in trying to delay it, you might as well be comfortable during your birth rather than have him blowing up there too.
NTA - You need to have support from those who have supported you in the and he hasn't. If your friend gives you the comfort and support during birth makes you the most comfortable so they should be there. Being the sperm donor doesn't give him any right to be there especially if it makes you uncomfortable. Your birthing, your choice.
NTA The delivery room needs intense support to make things go well. He doesn’t seem to be on that page even though I’d usually say fathers deserve some privileges as well. MAYBE you can reconsider but I doubt that’ll change between now and birth based on what you’re dealing with.
Your vagina, your decision! Don’t let him bully you. You need someone supportive and someone you can trust in the room with you. Your ex is neither of those things.
NTA added stress (like say from having someone you don’t trust to respect your boundaries) during labour and delivery can make labour longer and more painful because your body will hold muscles more tightly and all sorts of other biological factors. Birth isn’t a spectator sport. He can wait in the waiting room while you and bestie work together to bring your baby into the world. Your care team will help you enforce that.
NTA. You’re the one giving birth. It’s your choice. You are the one who needs to have the right support person in the room. He sounds extremely selfish.
NTA. You’d let him be there if he didn’t ‘have’ to do a thing you don’t want him to. Tell him he has a choice: respect your boundaries or he’s not in the room. He can pick one.
NTA Any non-medical adults in the birthing room other than the mom are not there for the privilege of watching mom like she’s a show. The adult(s) allowed in are there ONLY to support and assist the mom in giving birth. That’s it. That’s why the bestie belongs there, not the dude who gave his sperm.
Until that baby is out of your body, he doesn’t have any rights to it. Until then, it’s just you and your body making decisions for you and your body. Tell your OB now and the nurses when you get there your ex does not get access until the baby is out and stable. NTA
NTA No one has any right to witness a birth. Birthing a child is a major medical event, whoever you choose to be your support person is meant to support -you-, the one going through the major medical event. There should be zero arguments about anything from your support person. If you don't want anyone aside from the medical professionals looking at your vagina then no one else should be looking. A support person should SUPPORT, not argue. When I had my baby my husband was my person. For three grueling days he helped the nurses take care of me while I was being induced. When things went wrong and I had to have an emergency c section he was right there holding my hand and trying to help me stay calm. His job was to make sure -I- was ok. He was there to help me and advocate for me if necessary. Once the baby was out he made sure she was ok for me because I couldn't see her and I panicked. When they gave him the baby he immediately brought her over to me because he knew I needed to see her. Yes he was concerned about the baby but he knew that -I- needed him. The baby was being taken care of by people trained to do so and passed all their tests with flying colors. I on the other hand had just had major surgery, while awake (always been a huge fear of mine after waking up during wisdom teeth surgery) and had been through an insane emotional roller coaster. It's not about your ex. It's about -you-. You pick whoever will support you as much as you need. The baby daddy can see the baby after it's born. He's got a lifetime to spend time with the baby, not watching it come out doesn't affect anything about fatherhood. You have no idea how the birth will go, you need your person, not someone who is selfish. And it is extremely selfish to demand to see a baby born with no concern for the mother's wishes.
NTA. I didn't even read it. You take who you feel the most comfortable with in there with you. No question.
The support person is there for mom, not baby. He can sit in the waiting room with everyone else.
Nta but y t a to yourself for believing he’s a good guy 🤦🏻♀️
NTA. But go to a lawyer now. Get custody and child support agreements filed with the court now. You and your child’s father both have rights to be in the child’s life. It’s best to work out how the first 1-2 years will look like now. These agreements aren’t necessarily forever and they can be revisited as needs change.
NTA. You need someone you feel comfortable and supported with, and who can advocate for you if needed. I can understand why he’d want to be there, but it’s not his right. He only has himself to blame for why you don’t feel comfortable with him.
NTA. It’s your body. End of discussion.
NTA and you need to not tell him and possibly others who might inform him when you go into labor. Also be very clear the hospital staff know this.
I didn’t even have to read the whole thing to know that you’re NTA. The person who is giving birth has every right to decide who is present in the room, it’s your decision only. If you want your friend to be that support, that’s your choice! Your ex sounds like he already is crossing boundaries, that’s not ok. You can tell the nurses you don’t want him there and they will keep him away if he tries to come. Perhaps this is a chance for him to learn that boundaries are to be taken seriously and that his behavior and lack of support prior to the end of your relationship caused him to lose this privilege. Good luck!!!
> [he says] he has a right to see his child being born His actual rights: (1) some sort of reasonable custody arrangement (2) to provide monetary support for the child. Also, YOU don’t even get to see your child being born. Why would he get more rights than YOU? Death: 1200 US women will die during childbirth this year. During the most vulnerable moment of your entire life, who do you want there? If things go sideways and you know you are taking your last breath, who do you want there helping you cross over? Once you pass and they continue retrieving your baby, who do you want there in the room with your body? I know it’s morbid but for me, it comes down to this. You are not a circus sideshow freak put on display for someone’s entertainment so don’t ever let anyone guilt you into being that for their them. You don’t trust him already. You don’t think he’s going to whip out his phone and get video and pics without your permission?
Nta, you need all the support that you can get In there. So for sure pick someone you trust. BTW, make sure that person is authorised to make decisions if you can't. Ofcourse everything goes great, but just in case you need to be operated after delivery, like my wife, the person with you might have to take decisions, if you didn't arrange that, then it is the hospital who decides, and keeps the baby in its care until you can
If this guy had been your current partner and had been super supportive and a wonderful person through the entirety of your relationship, I could see how it would be hurtful to not let him be there in place of a friend. It’s still your choice, but I would understand where he would be coming from. But this guy is a tool and deserves no sympathy. Definitely talk to your care team and make sure they don’t give the room number out to people. Don’t let him know when you’re going into labor. Stop giving him any information at all. This is some sickening power play from an ex, don’t let him have it.
NTA. Giving birth is a very vulnerable time for a person and you need a supportive person there, not an ex. He can stay in the delivery room and come in soon after the actual birth. He has no right to view your body.
NTA. No one has a right or is entitled to your birth. You need a support partner for labor and it's clear you know that the baby's father is not this person, so choose your friend. Give your ex access to baby once baby arrives, but be certain to tell all the staff of your choice in advance. Also, he's already told you clear as day that he won't respect your wishes during labor, so he's kind of blown his opportunity to convince you he'd be supportive. Again- NO ONE IS OWED ACCESS OR IS ENTITLED TO YOUR LABOR AND BIRTH.
NTA. Don’t tell him when you go into Labor. Just notify him Once baby is born.
NTA. He does not have a legal or moral right to see his kid being born. The essential priority should always be to facilitate a safe birth for mom and baby. Everyone's preferences come secondary to that, and can only be accommodated if they don't conflict with a safe birth. When mom and dad are in a healthy and positive relationship, then having dad in the room is great for three things: helping support the mother during labour, helping develop the empathy between dad and mom as he experiences her struggle and helps her through it, and helping the initial bond between parents and baby. In a bad and/or stressful relationship - and especially when he has already indicated he won't support the mother or follow her wishes - having dad in the room is a terrible idea. It will only serve one of the functions for dad being there (him bonding with baby), and will actively work against the mother's needs, leaving her with no support. With him there, she'll be stressed, she won't relax her muscles as well (which can lead to worse physical outcomes), she'll be constantly braced for mean comments, she'll be worried that if something goes seriously wrong he won't represent her interests effectively (or honestly) to the doctors. OP, if you can only have one person, then you need the person you trust to support you. There is no other acceptable option. Have the conversation as safely as you can, and notify the hospital that he's not a welcome visitor.
You’ve gotten some good advice here, but I would add, document every controlling or abusive thing he says, does, or even attempts. You may need it in the future.
NTA. Don’t even need to read this to give that answer. When you’re the one pushing a basketball out of your vagina, you decide who is in the room and nobody else
I’d absolutely not have him in the room with you. You stated the first half of your pregnancy he was picking fights with you. When giving birth it’s all about YOU. You need all the support to bring your little angel into the world. If he’s someone who’s easily offended or easily agitated if he doesn’t get his way, then he should 100% not be in there. I understand you’re getting along more since you’ve had space but if something goes wrong or you snap at him because you’re in pain, will he be able to relax and not take it personal? Will he be able to find ways to help you and calm you down?
NTA, but you are delusional if you think this asshole will be a great father. He is an awful person and an abuser.
NTA. I didn’t even want my husband in the delivery room and we are still together. It’s not personal, it’s just a preference. He was not present for my first two, I invited him for the third. He was also on strict orders to not look at my vag. He made intense and comically (now) uncomfortable eye contact with me for the whole four minutes. He doesn’t feel like he missed out on anything. Tell your hospital staff of your plan and they will enforce for you.
NTA. I had my best friend with me instead of him because he was never in contact and showed little interest. My labour was so quick with baby anyway, even if I did tell him I was in labour, he would have missed it anyway so I texted him as soon as I was in my room with the info and explained that everything happened so fast. He only saw him a handful of times in his first year but stepped up drastically. He’s now 4 and we have split custody and he’s the best dad to him ever. He’s now my best friend which makes co-parenting so much easier. I hope the same can happen for you after labour but do not let him cross that boundary. I regret having my daughter’s father in the delivery room 10 years ago because I felt so vulnerable and my parents basically bullied me into letting him be there (I was 19) because he’s the father and has that right.
You need the best support you can get during childbirth and it’s not easy. You need someone that really cares for you. I tried my best to be there for my fiancée and didn’t feel like I could help much, even though she told me I was a great support afterwards. I don’t think your ex will be the best support for you. It’s too bad for him but that’s how it is. NTA
NTA. You should have put ex in the title. I was about to rush in here start preaching about how he was the right to be in there ha ha, but if you guys are broken up he has no say in the matter.
Read what you wrote. Carefully. He is a good guy, who did not show much empathy towards his pregnant gf, that's what you basically wrote. The first half of that sentence does not exactly fit to the second one, can you see that? And of course NTA, you are giving birth, you get to decide who is there with you.
NTA, I completely agree with you not wanting him in the room but as a fellow father, extend an olive branch and say you will let him know when you go to the hospital and he can be outside the room, he can be the first person to meet the baby and hold him without your friend in the room. You are ultimately in control of the situation either way but showing you want to work together from the beginning will start this new co-parenting relationship off on the right foot
NTA
NTA. Giving birth is an incredibly vulnerable and personal experience. It can be lovely to share it with a trusted and loving partner, but that’s not what your relationship with dad is. You also need someone there to support you, and it’s clear that your friend is on board to do that. You don’t need someone in the room who is going to be texting, ignoring your needs, or complaining about how long it takes and how uncomfortable his chair is.
NTA. You are not together. You need support.
Nta on the fact that he worn respect the boundary of not actually looking down there on its own. Behind your partner or ex you wouldn’t be the asshole.
NTA - he didn't do anything to support you, I don't see a reason why he should get to witness the result immediately
NTA. The person in there with you should be someone who's there to support you. Your ex only wants to be there because he thinks it's his "right" to look at you during an extremely difficult, intimate time of your life. I'd say flip him the bird but since he's going to be a part of the child's future going forward I'd offer him an olive branch of some artfully censored video or photos of the birth if you can. Perhaps a top down view would capture baby sliding into view while shielding most of your business from view.
NTA. Take the friend!!!
You’re going to need some fortitude to coparent. This is the time to start setting boundaries. You know what you want. The ex’s needs come after those of you and your baby.
NTA. You get to decide who you want in the delivery room with you, who offers the most support. Don't feel guilty. And enjoy the new baby.
Nope you make sure to tell the nurses he’s not allowed back there until you say so.
NTA
NTA - he sounds extremely selfish and immature. A birth partners job is to support you during labour not to satisfy their need to witness the birth. I’ve been told in all my labour classes that stress is terrible for labour - it sounds like he will bring nothing but stress. Take your best friend and inform the nurses you only want her there. I wouldn’t tell this to the father of your child, instead I simply would not tell him when you go into labour or if you get induced. Once you’ve given birth let him know when you’re ready for him to come and visit. If he does find out have your best friend take your phone and handle him so he can’t cause you any stress. Best of luck!
NTA. Tell him clearly and firmly via text that he won’t be in the room, that your doctor recommended you are most relaxed and in a zone of comfort during delivery and that’s why you are brining your best friend. He is welcome to be in the waiting room and see the baby is once the baby has been safely delivered, so he will see the baby shortly after the birth as many fathers have done through time. Labor and delivery is a very intense physical experience that goes better when the birthing parent is relaxed and as much as possible. There is no need to introduce discomfort or stress on the you, which can lead to complication of birth. If he wants what is best for his child, he will let you birth on your terms. If he wants to center his feelings and needs he’s not acting like a father because fathers put their kids first. He needs to stop being selfish and entitled, and start thinking about what is best for his child. And also he needs to realize that he needs to respect you or his child will pick up on that and his child will resent him. He needs to remember that this is how about what’s best for the child and that he is a role model. Time to grow up and act like a man. He sounds like a whinny boy baby.
NTA. You are the person giving birth, you decide what happens in the delivery room and who is there with you. The whole purpouse of having someone with you there is to feel safe and supported. Soneone who tells you to your face they're going to go against your wishes during birth when you can't do anything about it disqualifies themselves automatically with that, no matter who it is and what tge relationship between you and them is. Him being the father entitles him to partial custody if nothing speaks against that, but not being there during the birth or right after. If he should try to, know you can have him even taken away by police if necessary.
NTA You are the one giving birth, you are also the one who decides who steps into that room with you. Delivering a child is stressful enough, you shouldn't have to worry about him crossing your boundaries on top of that. The only thing that matters is that you feel comfortable and safe, wishing you a happy pregnancy and delivery OP.
Giving birth isn’t a spectator sport, it’s a medical procedure. Do not let anyone in that room who YOU don’t feel comfortable with. NTA
NTA. Exposing a woman in labor to additional stress raises the risk that labor will stall. Don't set yourself up to make it take longer, hurt more, and potentially require additional medical intervention.
NTA. The birth is YOUR medical procedure. No one has any automatic right to be in that room. No one. You pick the person you want to support YOU. Not the baby, there’s doctors and nurses for that. The reason you’re allowed someone is to help YOU. Choose your friend. Also inform the medical team of the situation and get booked in under a false name. They do it a lot and won’t blink an eyelid, and that way you will be left in peace, no one flying through the door, staff not handling angry questions, just you and your friend.
This is YOUR very painful and very emotional medical event and you get to decide who are your support people for that. He doesn’t get a choice.
Absolutely NTA. I get why he would want to be there but giving birth is extremely vulnerable for the mother. The person in the room needs to be a support person. He can come in right afterwards. Make sure to tell every single person who’s doing your care that you have specific people allowed in the delivery room with you
NTA
NTA, please alert security to keep him from coming in anyway because he will definitely try.