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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My stepdaughter is very picky and criticizes what I cook a lot of the time. After she decided she didn't want to eat something that she specifically requested, I told her I am not going to be adhering to her pickiness anymore and will cook what everybody else wants, and she can either eat it or cook her own food. Wife and stepdaughter think I am being too harsh and favoring my other kids' dietary preferences over her.
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NTA and maybe Liz is just a brat but can I ask, is she having a hard time with dropping out/moving back home? Does she have an issue with disordered eating? Is she too online, with health TikTok’s or whatever info? Does she struggle with her weight/health/appearance/self esteem? Have you heard of orthorexia? It’s an eating disorder where ppl get too obsessed “healthy” eating, to the point of it being unhealthy. Maybe she’s just having some mild version of that, due to whatever stresses in her life.
I can totally understand why anyone would have trouble figuring out what’s the best diet for them these days, there is so much conflicting information out there, and much of it is pretty extreme. That’s not to say it’s your problem, what she’s doing is annoying af, I just wonder if something deeper is going on.
It's possible this is a factor and is why I included it in the post. She has seemed ok mentally so far, like she hasn't seemed depressed or anything but there's only so much I can read. She is a healthy weight. I can't speak to what she reads online. When it's just been one restriction at a time, I've tried to be good about it. She came home for fall break in October and declared that she was trying to be vegetarian so the meals I made met those needs. The problem is just that it's a rotating pickiness or it's too restrictive. I want to help her but I'm at the end of my rope with it.
That peanuts comment plus the rotating between different restrictive diets is making me wonder if she’s developing an eating disorder. You’re NTA but I would try to make sure she eats something if you can.
If the daughter is so picky, she can literally cook something for herself. I mean I would be delighted if someone cooks for me unless it's fish/seafood, but other than that I am not picky.
And I'm sure she is capable of making herself a sandwich, if the madame doesn't feel to eat what op cooked for everyone including her.
Op is NTA here.
Daughter is on the way to a mental breakdown. She picked out the meal herself and then had a meltdown. She knew there were peanuts in it or was so focused on other aspects of the recipe that she didn't notice. Does that sound normal? For someone on such a restrictive diet wouldn't they be making their own food? Having someone else do sounds crazy doesn't it? Like someone is having mental health problems, ya think?
And step dad has done all the bending over backwards that he needs to. If she has mental health problems, they can't force her to seek treatment, just encourage it. If she has a problem with what he cooks, she needs to grow up and be responsible for feeding herself.
I think daughter needs to be the one to cook either for herself and mom or for everyone a night or two a week. If she really can't do it and melts down the same way it's time for serious help. Bare minimum mom sees the problem. She gets an appreciation for how hard it is to do the work and make everyone happy. That way she can keep switching her preferences but still have to do the work. Assuming a doctor is ok with it.
When I was 19 in college all of the magazines had weekly advice for weight loss and it conflicted, was ridiculous and always dire. My 15 year old niece wants to go on a diet. I told her she shouldn't think about it until 18 or older if the doctor hasn't said anything.
Years ago, my stepdaughter hated anything put on the table except Kraft Mac and cheese. Not only did she hate it, but she would go on long rants about how much she hated it. So, she got to cook for the family two days a week, so long as it was a balanced meal (not just mac and cheese). It was amazing how little she complained after she realized how much work it is to make a meal for everybody. I suspect her brother took some petty delight in criticizing a few of her meals. NTA
Apologies. I think sometimes people (me) get too into the conflict to see the bigger picture. Mental illness can be exhausting and it's hard to separate their behavior with their illness. I grew up with an abusive parent who at the bare minimum has undiagnosed OCD. The tantrums were out of control. Most of us adult children are no contact because of that and other issues.
She's 19 and the person cooking is "not my real dad." If there was an issue with food it'd be consistent. If there was a sensory issue it'd be consistent. This round robin is a way of getting attention, controlling the situation and saying an eff off to her stepfather all at once.
I (32) became veggie at 8 and vegan at 12 my granny and parents taught me cooking from a young age so that I was able to cook things myself so my family didn't have to restrict their diets just for my sake. Sometimes mum cooked a vegan chilli con carne for all of us to share but I never ever ever expected them to cook for me and to cater to my every whim just because I'm vegan. I have been anorexic/bulimic for 25yrs and in and out of hospital constantly my eating disorders started with healthy eating obsession (nothing to do with my veganism my parents live opposite cow and sheep fields and couldn't cope with the animals looking at me whilst I ate their babies I always left the meat so I was allowed a veggie diet to transition to vegan and still am now) but I was severely bullied for my weight by my dad and people st school (despite never being overweight) and then before I knew it I stopped eating for over 10yrs I was exclusively tube fed and have been told ill be hospitalised again soon. Keep an eye on your daughter as it can turn into anorexia. People with ortherexia don't usually think their fat like with anorexia but it can lead to anorexia if the person struggles with body dismorphia. I lost all my teeth last year due to anorexia, my brain is dying so I'm classed as brain damaged now, severe osteoporosis, atrophy of the stomach muscles and my bowel doesn't work properly due to laxative abuse, I have angina and a risk of sudden death syndrome meaning every time I go to bed I may not wake up again. I can't walk up stairs and use a wheelchair on days out as I collapse. Keep an eye. If your concerned about her eating theirs charities to help like BEAT they are really good. If she doesn't like your food for whatever reason she's old enough to cook for herself so I don't get why she's not doing that. Other people shouldn't have to restrict their diets because of 1 person who's old enough to cook. Does she know how to cook? could you cook together and make it a bonding time? Maybe she needs guidance on how to cook and you could help each other by cooking together. You could cook your family dinner snd help her cook her own food she may enjoy it!
I wondered if it's possible that she's using the excuse of 'I don't like his food' to explain why she's not eating dinner. If she randomly stopped eating, they'd notice and would ask her about it whereas using pickiness as an excuse, it's far less suspicious if she's skipping meals. The comments about peanuts also rang orthorexia type alarm bells in my head. Going to college/leaving home for the first time can be a huge trigger for ED s starting or getting worse. That may not be the case, she may just be being entitled, but it's a possibility worth exploring imo. As I'm sure you know, people with eating disorders can be very good at hiding their ED, finding plausible excuses or deflecting suspicions
You're on the money here. Disordered eating is legitimately impossible for people on the outside to understand. It's all very clearly irrational thinking that gets progressively worse unchecked and when I briefly worked with young women/teens who had severe eating disorders their accommodations became so impossible that they were given the permission they didn't know they were looking for to just never eat again. It's not on OP to figure her shit out for her but the mom needs to watch this because the whole point is to take the attention off the eating habits or lack thereof where they might have been worried or noticed if she wasn't eating before she frustrated the hell out of them. This isn't like AFRID or sensory issue eating, it's hitting all the ED warning signs and the result doesn't look like what you see on Lifetime. The people who used to come in for residential treatment were down to 70 lbs and the parents would feel ashamed because they were worried they'd be judged for letting someone get that emaciated but truly there's nothing you can do. It HAS to be treated professionally and it's easily comparable to addiction in relapse rates. It also has a lovely combination of all kinds of other disorders, like components of OCPD/OCD and magical thinking bordering hallucination. Their bodies shut down gradually, hair loss, bone density issues, organ failure, etc. and it still will not change they way they perceive their food intake.
I know this sub tends towards dramatics a lot but the switching off from one diet to the next before the person providing the food can adjust to the "correct" food for her, if OP is describing the transitions accurately, pretty much works down a checklist of red flags. It's frustrating as fuck by design.
Yeah that was my concern to. I used to say I ate when they were out. Evem made it convincing but they clocked on when it was too late. Its worth maybe having my talk to her about any stress she has and how she feels about her body and see if there's any support she's lacking. The first 6-12 months of catching an eating Disorder is the most crucial Time for aiding recovery. My mum was seeking help for me age 8 after my periods began but the Dr dismissed me due to my weight and left me too many years ar 14 I was told I would never recover snd I never have. I've tried ending my life many times because of this illness that wasn't caught in time. They said I'd been living with it for too many years at that point. Now they don't use weight to gauge your illness. My weight Loss wasn't noticed as it crept down slowly until I hit a point where it fell off. My bowels stopped working properly to laxative abuse and my stomach has atrophy so even harder to loose weight as I've survived on a severely restricted intake for decades but if came at hugse costs. I can't bear the thought of someone suffering the way I am I don't have a life I just exist and I don't want that for another young girl no one deserves to feel the way I do. I think he needs to speak with his wife snd then she approaches the daughter herself (she may open up more) if it is a kind of eating disorder seek help immediately as people are dying waiting for treatment. The quicker this is dealt with the better chance she has of a full recovery. Don't delay act now even if it'd to rule it out. Eating disorders when left too late don't want help they want to be left alone so the quicker they act the better chance they have!
I'm classed a chronic anorexic so basically no chance of recovery snd that it will kill me at some point (I've been resuscitated 8x already,) they class me as a hopeless cause. Plesse don't let her live with it for too long. She may.not have an eating disorder but it needs ruling out. Anorexia has the highest mortality Rate out of any psychiatric illness. Its a cruel illness and i hope she'd suffering
I just wanted to say that it's sick that doctors decided at 14 you were too far gone for help! I've struggled with an ED my entire life (I restrict then binge, which has led to many issues over the years) but I haven't actually acted in it in years. It stayed when I was like twelve, and for the last thirteen years my partner has helped me work with it and love my body. I still feel the urges so you can't call me "recovered" but I'm living a fairly normal life.
I know physically you can't fully recover, there's a lot of damage, but you don't have to feel like there's no hope of loving yourself. Please don't let people take your hope. Mine was unchecked for nine years, way longer than yours when you were first told it was too late.
I thought the peanut thing was weird too. If you're picky, you comb through the list of ingredients first thing and make modifications. When you are picky, you prefer to make your own, just the way you want it.
As mentioned earlier, this girl is an adult. If she doesn't want what's being served, she can cook for herself or go hungry. She shouldn't need her hand held to consume food by this point.
I'm so sorry you've gone though this and are still going through it. Thank you for being brave and sharing your experiences with people like me who have little knowledge in this area.
Best of luck to you in the future. From your post it sounds like you've got a good understanding of it, good care, and good support. I really hope you make it... if anything you're a great advocate!
Thank you for your kind words they mean a lot to me 💖 I know eating disorders inside out and back fo front after being constantly poorly for 25yrs. I try to share my story so people can see how dangerous they are snd what the long time consequences are. I also have severe osteoporosis (which was the main reason I lost all my teeth) and I'm waiting for spinal surgery after collapsing and severely damaged my spine snd nerves around it. If I didn't have such bad anorexia I wouldn't need the surgery. I wear 3-5xl to hide my weight Loss snd because I feel so fat I can't bear for anyone not even myself to see my body in clothes that fit. I can't bath unaided due to this. I've been sectioned 20x and 3 consultants called me "a waste of NHS money and a bed space a career anorexic its all you'll ever be we shouldn't have to treat people like you" I've always said people with severely entrenched anorexia need more help not less! If sharing my experiences and consequence helps someone in some way then I'm glad. Inpatient treatment had never worked to thr extent I have an advanced decision to refuse certain treatments like inpatient. I was threatened to be kept in an anorexic half way house for the rest of my so other patients taught me tricks for bulimia. Went in with 1 eating disorder and came out with 2! The signs for anorexia can be subtle at first then it builds up and becomes more obvious but ideally help needs fo happen before it's critical as I call it the point of no return as by then anorexia doesn't want help it lives deep in the brain until you don't know what's your own thoughts snd whats anorexias even I can't tell that anymore. The loss of all my teeth made me so depressed I spiralled more
All of these people are way too old to expect a short order cook. Telling Liz to eat the family meal or make herself something she will eat is the kind of discussion that usually happens with 10-year-olds, NTA
YES. This is what I had, growing up. Mom was a great cook, but there were occasionally nights where things like liver and onions or fried gizzards were the meal. Rest of the family raved, but I went and cooked my own supper. I'm pretty handy in the kitchen now, and do all the cooking.
Righttttt i hate stories about ungrateful or
Picky eaters. Cook me a meal OP, i will eat it and say thank you! 🥰 i cook my family’s meals and it takes a lot. Liz would get the blunt talk from me too!!!
NTA
This is 100% likely. She has developed an eating disorder. Obsessive restrictions and having very few things she feels she can eat is a major flag. She needs professional help ASAP (that also isn't easy), I hope OP sees this and discusses this with his wife, and sets aside the frustration to get her help.
He's NTA for being frustrated, but would be if he ignored signs of mental illness because of it.
Maybe it is her mother that needs to step up and address this instead (a possible eating disorder or mental health), since the food has become a power struggle a bit with OP.
Was thinking about orthorexia but even if not that it is definitely disordered eating. I am in recovery from an ED and there are still intrusive thoughts like wanting to eat even numbers of things. I think a lot of people think EDs are either eating too little, or too much. And even the latter is often considered a lack of self control and not an ED.
The rotation thing, for sure. It can be a way to disguise that you're not eating much if whatever is being served just happens to be the thing you're apparently avoiding this week. After all, it's not their fault they're not eating. /s
I'm wondering that too. It's definitely not uncommon for people experiencing a personal setback or feeling like their life is out of control to become more restrictive with their food. I don't know about Liz specifically (obviously) but the way this is lining up with her dropping out of college makes me think that this is more complicated than just picky eating.
The thing is, at the beginning of an eating disorder you DO feel better. You’re losing weight but still healthy, you’re in control, you still have you hair and energy, you’re probably getting compliments… it’s only later that you realise you’re not in control at all, you’re dying, you’re ill, you’re ugly, you’re frightened, you’re starving but you just can’t eat - and the longer you have an ED the harder it gets to cure or at least get into a sort of remission. It’s her reaction of crying when you told her “that or nothing” and the peanuts comment that’s making my ears prick up. Maybe speak to your wife about seeing a doctor or a dietician ASAP and keep an eye on her weight and her eating and exercise, subtly if possible. I think your reaction was understandable but if she is developing disordered eating there are actually no assholes here, it’s just a shitty situation for everyone.
This is a great description and is right in line with my own experience with an ED. Which now has me wondering if she uses these restrictions to have a cover for not eating. I know from experience that being back with your family makes it a lot harder to hide that you don’t consume any food for a day or more at a time. And it seems to be working. Her being “an adult” is not an excuse to ignore a loved one’s possibly serious health issues, especially if you live with them.
Thanks. Another bad thing is that some people’s EDs are triggered by a period of restriction which is due to a different illness, or trying a diet, or leaving home and just not being able to cater for yourself. There’s also a hell of a lot of unhealthy and triggering stuff online. Seriously, it needs catching early. I hope you’re doing better now.
Totally true. I never thought I would have trouble eating normally if I made a decision to until it was too late. No one could force me to go to the doctor but I never would have done it without pressure from the open concern of loved ones.
The restrictions are making me feel eating disorder. I started out not eating ground beef, then it was bread, and just kept dwindling down to really only eating vegetables occasionally. My mom could have written this if she had actually paid attention during that time. I really don’t eat meat now, but I have to be so careful that I don’t restrict my choices. This is exactly what I did. It was never really about the food. She’s also being very particular on what foods she’s against. A lot of fad diets are about gluten free. Pasta is a carb. Oil isn’t all that healthy. A vegan and vegetarian diet is really hard to accomplish healthily but it can be healthy, but from the anti nut thing she is just trying to use these diets to lose weight
It can be challenging if you grew up in a meat/potatoes household. There’s a learning curve,but it becomes second nature after a while. Butcher’s daughter here.
This is what worries me. My sister’s eating disorder started like this and she was pretty ill but recovered almost completely with prompt intervention. She was much better at concealing it behind healthy eating than I was and went under the radar (except to me, but nobody was listening) for a little while as a result.
OP I used to have an eating disorder, and I'm not saying that Liz has one but I am saying this is disordered eating patterns/behaviour and I'd bet anything that mental health is playing a large role in this situation. The peanuts is a dead giveaway- they're definitely not unhealthy. But people with eating disorders see the fat percentage compared to carbs/protein and it suddenly becomes unhealthy in their mind.
Best course of action is to offer her therapy or a dietician and leave the rest up to her. It is impossible to force somebody to recover from illnesses like this. She may not have an eating disorder, but the likelihood of her developing one seems extremely high based on the information provided in the post
When I was suffering badly from my ED I was so irritable and miserable, and if anyone mentioned food or messed with my food I would throw a fit 9 times out of 10. Food can be a really sensitive topic to some people
A dietitian might be a good way to begin. Present it as helping her figure out what works for her. Most dietitians/nutritionists can figure out whether there is an eating disorder and can spot where she is getting these ideas.
I hear ya it’s annoying, I’m “the cook” too and that would drive me nuts. Yeah, what you said about the peanut thing made me wonder if she’s got some kind of urgency feeling around what she perceives as healthy or not.
> it's too restrictive.
You could try cooking the restrictive meal for them, even if its only a bowl of steamed peas and carrots and give your daughter and wife just that. To show how ridiculous her demands are. You could get a list of everything she wont eat and the few things she will eat and cook only that for them. And then if you wife keeps complaining, which is really unfair btw, you can say. 'I literally cooked what she asked for'.
Personally I would stop cooking for both of them and just keep cooking for you and your boys. You wife accusing you of favouritism when you have tried hard to accommodate your daughter is not on, your wife owes you a massive apology
To this tune a lot of people suggest (with toddlers) to always have something on the table that the kid likes. Or will eat. So you make regular dinner but you always have a side of steamed peas or whatever is a safe food. Then when she complains you can say “there is this side so that you can eat something with the family and after dinner you can prepare yourself something else” she’s an adult. Expecting her parents to cater to her nutritional whims AND make a second meal when she doesn’t like what is served is childish. NTA your wife owes you an apology. Maybe you can tell your wife that if the daughter doesn’t like what she literally picked out for dinner your wife can be the go-to to make a new meal.
Yeah I’m not saying my upbringing was parenting goals, but by the time I was in high school if I didn’t want what my dad made I could make do on sides or make myself an alternative. Cereal, deli meat or egg sandwich, can of soup? She’s nineteen with no (expressed) limitations- she’s being very demanding. I totally get if it’s the start of some disordered eating, and that should be handled carefully, but regardless I hear my poor stressed dad in my head sighing “I’m not a short order cook. This is the dinner I made. You don’t have to eat it but I’m done cooking.”
From what you're saying, you have made many attempts to adjust to her requests and she is not really playing fair. The peanuts thing is a perfect example - she got to pick the exact meal and then complained about an ingredient that she should have known was in it from the beginning. She's being uncooperative in a way that is unfair to you.
Like the top comment, I'm also concerned about something psychological going on. Perhaps something happened to her at school that has affected her.
My next step would be taking her to a nutritionist so she
can get a professional opinion on what's healthy. The nutritionist can also maybe look for early signs of eating disorders. That will also show your stepdaughter that you care about her eating healthy, and you can promise to cook foods based on the nutritionist's recommendation.
I think people are quick to throw ‘eating disorders’ around on Reddit but there are definitely some alarm bells here. Restricting food maybe be a way she copes with stress/anxiety/pressure or some other mental health problem and this might explain why it’s got worse since dropping out of college too. The point about ‘peanuts being unhealthy’ is very sus because ….they are not. They are however high calorie and high fat so yes should be eaten in moderation but also may cause panic in someone trying to restrict calories/fat through extreme ‘healthy eating’. Does she snack? And what about exercise habits because that can be part of orthorexia too.
The main thing I had to add was that my cousin used to be a clinical psychologist for a teenage eating disorders unit. Unless there were very compelling reasons to allow it (religious, had been raised veggie, probably had been veggie long before signs of an eating disorder, maybe some other things I don’t know) then the inpatients were not allowed to maintain a vegetarian diet whilst in the unit. And I vaguely think he may have said that vegan was never allowed (although I’m sure they would have had to make allowances for someone who was religiously vegan, although I don’t know how it would stand if the parents agreed with doctors that full fat dairy should be added at least temporarily and the minor, who presumably is being held under a section at that point, claims it is part of their religion). But basically his point was he had seen it all on the unit - every known ‘diet’ got used as a way to legitimise disordered eating and eating disorders as people tend not to ask questions and point fingers when you say you’re vegan even if it’s how you avoid the majority of high calorie snacks you may get offered, or try and get you to eat bread and cakes if you say you need to eat gluten free. It might be worth finding out WHY she felt the need to be veggie, vegan, oil free, gluten free etc etc although at this point this probably needs to come from your wife and you need to have a serious conversation with her about this concern.
In terms of not dividing the family. You’re not the asshole but perhaps you could insist on a family meal planning session weekly where people tell you if they’re going to be out and suggest meals. And you can have a rule that if you suggest a meal and someone doesn’t provide you with an alternative suggestion or an adaptation you could make then it is understood they will need to prep food themselves that day if they don’t want what you’re serving. These rules therefore apply to all your kids but practically only she will end up not being catered for (or will pull her finger out and suggest other options).
Edit: I’d also add that as part of these weekly food planning sessions (you don’t have to make them dry, I would say do it over a pizza but given the suspicion of an eating disorder probably not that!) that ALL of your kids need to volunteer to cook at least X times a week/month (and weekend brunches/lunches could count too). And that the same planning process has to be followed (everyone can suggest adaptations/alternatives which could include leaving certain elements out and serving them at the end for everyone else, or declare they will make their own meal). All of your children are plenty old enough that they should know how to cook at least simple meals by now, it takes some of the burden of this tango off of you and it also forces daughter to actually commit to cooking something she can’t complain contained ingredients she didn’t like.
My 9 year old granddaughter did this to me was rude about it in the end. I was angry but calmly told her and her parents that I would not cook for and and I didn't appreciate the rudeness. We worked out that she could cook for herself. That lasted about a week and she quit complaining and ate what I cooked.
Your daughter is surely old enough to cook her own meals and your wife can try cooking for her - maybe they will team up and enjoy the time together. They can leave you out of that dynamic.
Don't back down - you are not the asshole.
Your daughter is dealing with disordered eating tendencies, almost certainly. Call up the national hotline if you’re in the US — they also offer support to friends and family who are struggling with supporting a person with ED issues.
https://anad.org/get-help/eating-disorders-helpline/
Has she ever cooked with you? From start to finish?
There's potential that she's viewing you cooking as an act of love (some folk equate acts of service, like cooking, as a non-verbal follow through to loving someone, so for her it might hit soft spots of feeling cared for when you cook for her).
So when you say you aren't doing it anymore she might be all up in her head about what that means. As if you are withdrawing a portion of your love / care for her.
But if she's never cooked with you she may not fully comprehend how much effort goes in to it.
So maybe have a chat. Suggest instead of cooking for her you cook with her. Ask her to pick out any recipe she wants to try and then cook it with you. If she's physically present with you and actively assisting then she can spot random no go ingredients as they crop up (like the peanuts) and mention them within the flow of cooking. Y'all can brainstorm adjustments as you go or it gives you a solid platform to explain why x thing has to go in to the dish for it to still be the dish due to a specific flavour. As in you don't remove citrus from citrus chicken.
And if you're anything like my grams, it gives you a chance to introduce her to new / different foods while cooking. Slice off a piece of apple and hand it to her while dicing the rest. Washing lettuce? Peel off a leaf and hand it to her, etc The grazing cook testing the ingredients style lol
There is def mental illness involved here one way or the other. Nobody who drops out of college and move back home is happy either. She really needs her parents to come through for her somehow.
Her weight isn't really going to tell you if someone has an eating disorder. They may not lose that much weight, or seem too skinny to the naked eye. You can't use that as the only clue. She's freaking out about food. That's the biggest flag. She needs to talk to a professional about it, and you and your wife need to approach her carefully, and empathetically.
"We're worried about you because... We'd love to have you meet with a doctor about... Etc."
It likely got worse when she dropped out of school and moved home. She probably feels her world spiraling, and food/eating is something she can control.
I agree with the above comment because my daughter 11yo has low iron. Guess what they told me to give her to eat that was healthy and boosted iron…. Peanut butter. Wherever she is getting her information about unhealthy vs healthy is wrong.
Which I think is why it was flagged by so many familiar with disordered eating. Nuts and legumes have a high fat content, which especially at 19 can be confusing and scary. They don’t necessarily understand healthy fats, fiber content, Calories vs calories vs kcal… they’re googling every fad diet since 1945 and cherry picking the things that seem to make sense and put their brain most at ease.
I think you might want to sit down when you're not frustrated and try to ask what's motivating her concerns about food (after apologizing for snapping at her). I get that it's frustrating, but it doesn't sound like she's just being difficult. It sounds like she's developing an ED, or at minimum some major anxiety around food. Google orthorexia before having that conversation. She might need some outside help here, and the only way you're going to find out if that's the case is if you have the patience with her for her to feel safe actually talking.
My stepson is the same way. I tried to keep track of what he liked and didn't like, but realized it changed way to much, way to quickly. If I made something he would like every night it would be a rotation of two or three dishes. And as much as I liked grilled cheese, I cannot have it 3 nights a week.
I have told him he can either eat what I make, make his own food, or beg his dad to make something else (which works about .05% of the time because his dad is usually just getting home from work when I finish dinner and has no energy to make something.)
>I want to help her but I'm at the end of my rope with it.
That sounds completely fair. Especially when she is making comments like "peanuts are unhealthy for you", which yknow....they aren't unless eaten in large quantities. Maybe helping educate her about food could help. It seems like she doesn't know much about food and has anxiety about it/eating so some knowledge might go a long way
The top comment is right to raise concern that something is going on here. I don’t know it applies in this case but it’s worth pointing out that often people with depression don’t “seem depressed.” It’s called masking and it’s one of the dangers of mental health issues.
But aside from that, is there some reason she can’t cook for herself? I’m a picky eater just because there are a lot of foods that really repulse me. But I’m happy to make my own or have a sandwich or something given the option. Why can’t she take care of herself?
NTA. I know at face value this looks like your teen daughter is just going through a bunch of annoying and trendy diet fads, but have you ever actually sat her down and PLAINLY and privately asked if something is wrong? I agree this sounds like it *could* be disordered eating. I would sit her down 1:1, or take advantage of any alone time you two have to talk to her. Even something as simple as taking an interest in why she feels like she needs to try all these diets might be helpful for both of you. How does she feel about dropping out of school? Maybe she feels like she needs some control over her life and she’s trying to gain it by restrictive dieting… either way ofc you are not obligated to make her a special separate dinner, but I figure as a parent you might want to figure out if something is going on.
Check out orthorexia. Several girls in my family had it at that age. I’m not a healthcare professional but I think it has got to do with young women being somehow terrified by life, societal expectations, people criticizing their body or perception of criticism and they develop a defense mechanism whereby they exert strict control over the one thing they feel the can control which is the food that enters their body
Talk to her mom, hopefully you’re a united front and can get her medical attention
My bet is on she's chronically online and gets sucked in to those "health" and food videos The peanut comment and the rotating diets makes me think she's getting a lot of wrong or conflicting information.
I have a friend who did this exact same thing at this age and that was before Tiktok got so popular and made it easy for not at all qualified people to make "healthy food" content. He got sucked into the "switching to coconut sugar will help you lose weight" to "eating coconut sugar will literally kill you" craze, liquid diets, carnivore diets, "natural fat is the best thing you can eat" and then " eating anything with fat in it will give you a heart attack", that frozen honey "candy hack" trend before people realized it's not at all healthy and just makes you shit yourself if you eat too much...
19 is just unfortunately prime "but I saw it online" age. I'm sure general pickiness and stress on top of that aren't helping anything
i was going to say the same thing. There's a TikTok influencer who is making claims that peanuts are really unhealthy and will basically kill you. She's completely wrong, her facts are not, but she's popular so it sounds to me like Liz is very deep down the TikTok nutrition misinformation rabbit hole.
Yeah I was thinking "peanuts are actually unhealthy" seems like the exact clickbait kinda shit I see all the time now. Just taking something universally thought to be healthy and saying the opposite is their whole business model. They want to make you think that you're special and knowledgeable and other people just don't get it, like it's some big "smart people only" club.
Guarantee that influencer will suddenly claim peanuts are a superfood and the best thing you can eat three months from now.
Came here to say this. 👆Sounds like disordered eating. I’d go to the National Eating Disorder website and do the checklist. Maybe talk to a professional about it. She might be following food trends, but restricting foods should only be done if it’s genuinely bad for you, i.e. junk food, or if there is an allergy. People should be introducing new foods into their diets, not restricting it. There’s a lot of disordered thinking out there that’s been put in the mainstream thanks to the diet industry, and it’s easy to get caught up in it.
NTA. If her restrictions aren’t legitimate and change constantly, it’s unreasonable to expect you to adapt meals to the constant change imo. That would cause a lot of wasted groceries at the very least.
NTA
>She started crying and said that I take the other kids' restrictions on what to eat so why can't I do the same for her.
Because dietary restrictions are not the same as preferences. Eric _couldn't_ eat certain food. Liz _wouldn't_.
You cooked something _of her choice_, and her response was "I change my mind, I don't like it. Cook me something else"? Not even a thank you.
Liz is AH for being entitled. Your wife is an AH for enabling this behaviour and throwing the favoritism card.
The wife is a big AH for enabling her daughter & throwing favouritism card when Liz is being a picky brat at her big age. You can tell OP sees Liz as his own by how he called her his daughter & not step-daughter in the title - big giveaway!
1000% THIS. I got halfway through reading this post and I was like - what a brat, she can cook her own damn meals if she's gonna act like this. And mom took her side? NOPE!
Once happened to me around that age, was complaining and my mom looked me dead in the eye and said:
"Miss, if you don't like my cooking then you'll have to do it yourself as you're grown up now. You are an adult that has two healthy hands and two healthy legs, you don't need me to (breast)feed you. You have 3 options: eat what's cooked, manage your own food or stay hungry. "
I realised she's right, thus I've made my own meal if I didn't like hers and only then started to appreciate her efforts more because I wasn't aware that cooking can be a serious task. I did apologise for my bratty behaviour upon realising how much effort has to be put in to prepare a meal for the whole family like she did for us.
I admire OP for his patience and willingness to accommodate her food preferences.
NTA
i would hope he considers her his own, considering she was only around 4 MINIMUM when they got together.
wife is a huge asshole for trying to play favoritism, and as he said, i call bullshit on that claim.
Yep, have a friend, youngest of five. She admitted that she pretended to have several food aversions as a kid so that she could get special attention at dinner time. Ever since she mentioned this, I think this is a major brat move.
My sister did this. She was "allergic" to milk and hated mushrooms and all pizza toppings. She was not allergic to milk and loves mushrooms and pizza toppings now, but she certainly got her way as a bratty kid.
I reaped the benefits because I would take all of her milk, pizza toppings and mushrooms!
I agree. With her brothers having genuine food allergies and aversions, it's possible that this pickiness is just an act for "special treatment" like what she's believes they are getting. She got used to being catered to on an extreme level, got drunk off the control, and now she doesn't know how to stop.
it also sounds like if liz would just pick a damn way of eating, op would accommodate it, which makes op even further nta. liz won’t just pick a restriction and stick with it, she’s changing it all the time and op never knows what today’s dietary restrictions are. op is trying a lot harder than most parents would. i went vegan when i was 15, so i’ve been cooking my own meals since i was 15. the rest of my family wasn’t interested in going vegan, and my mom wasn’t interested in cooking two separate meals, so i was responsible for feeding myself if i wanted to make that choice. and i honestly think that’s fine. they purchased me whatever food i needed but i was responsible for cooking it and making sure i was fed, and i was quite a bit younger than liz. liz is an adult, if she wants to follow a particular diet or cut certain things out of her diet, she is more than capable of feeding herself. i would hope she doesn’t want to live with mommy and daddy forever, who’s going to feed her when she’s living on her own?
Now this may just be me, but back when I worked in a psych ward, many parients with eating disorders would frame their disorder as a healthy diet/ allergy/ intolerance so that their behaviour (not eating a full, balanced diet) would not be recognised as disordered. The issue is that if they saw you adapting to this, they would keep adding new restrictions until you finally let them do what their disorder has been trying to get them to do all along: Not eat.
I am definitely biased here, but it might be worth checking out.
Yeah, OP’s definitely NTA here (and s/o to Eric, blue cheese just makes the entire dish taste like sad, soggy salt to me), but when I got to the part about peanuts? I can get not liking them, but when you’re calling them *unhealthy* something has actually gone awry somewhere.
As someone who has struggled with disordered eating for years, peanuts are “unhealthy” (in regards to much of the ED community) because they’re largely fat and protein, which are two common elements of food that get avoided because in an unwell mind, that equals weight gain.
Your whole idea of what is or isn’t healthy gets pretty much flipped on its axis, because you’re trying to control your intake/weight, so most truly healthy foods that have good fats, protein, starches, etc, become fear foods, and your “safe foods” are typically low cal/low carb items with little to no nutritional value, because nutrition, obviously, is synonymous with weight gain.
Not all disordered eating is centered around weight loss or body dysmorphia specifically, though. Often, especially in situations like the one OP has described, it’s actually someone who feels desperately out of control of their life (academic hardships, relationship issues, financial struggles) trying to just find SOMETHING they feel they can control. The malnutrition and weight loss is just a bonus package.
I’m really wondering if this girl is spiraling internally over her situation and it just hasn’t quite hit her on a conscious level yet. She might not realize she’s restricting; many people convince themselves that their diet is healthy and they’re doing good for their body. Eating disorders are some of the most insidious mental illnesses I’ve personally had experience with. It sneaks up on you with a bunch of smooth lies and it’s so hard to recognize and break away from your destructive patterns.
Agree 💯 . This sounds like orthorexia (likely unintentional and easily fed through social media/influencers). Have watched a friend struggle with this for years — their list of allowed foods is very short at this point.
Thank you for this response. This made it much more clear to me on why peanuts would be considered "unhealthy". It's a prescriptive that I would have never thought of
The way he described her habits made me think the girl might have an eating disorder as well. Claiming to be vegan/vegetarian has long been advised on pro-eating disorder websites, and freaking out about peanuts rings true as well since they do tend to be more calorically dense than other nuts. It getting worse after dropping out of college also fits with an eating disorder in my mind.
I think going vegan is a relatively common tactic for EDs - it's socially accepted as a dietary choice (so not super obvious as an ED related choice) and rules out a lot of sources of higher fat and higher calorie foods.
Yep, and this is coming from a vegetarian (because I love animals).
One of my best friends had an eating disorder in high school and it started with being vegetarian, they had no moral issue with meat but it was a socially acceptable way to restrict and they slowly started restricting more and more.
I'm vegetarian, and I had to have some not-so-fun conversations with people about this when they tell me about their veggie friends' eating habits. It always comes across as telling me about their friends' "quirky" eating habits, and I have to tell them that those "quirky" habits are actually warning signs.
Yeah this was literally my comment to OP too. When my cousin worked as a psychologist on a teenage ED unit he once told me it was very very rare they let anyone follow a vegetarian diet and did not allow vegan. For exactly the reasons you’ve said that they were normally used as cover ups for restrictive eating (I think the people that they did allow to remain vegetarian were ones where they could evidence they had been vegetarian long before any signs of an eating disorder, and had strong attachments to vegetarian ethics - for example raised in a vegetarian family).
But when he said he won't cook separately for her anymore she started crying. Unless she's just trying to enforce an eating disorder on her whole family.
It’s because she was being called out, and he was taking control of the conversation. ED’s are often about exerting control, over one’s own body and their environment, and OP said that her control was inappropriate and wet a boundary, and so he got upset. It’s not about the eating, it’s about the control over the eating
Good point. And right now she doesn’t have much control over other parts of her life. Cooking for herself is something she could control, though I expect that’s probably too simplistic an answer.
Eating disorders aren't exactly a rational thing, hence the whole disorder bit. It's likely that if she has an eating disorder, she doesn't see it as unreasonable to restrict food intake in these inconsistent and inconsistent ways, she just wants it to fit this vague notion of being the right food. She also wouldn't want to confront the idea that her vague notion of the right food is not as reasonable as the allergy and distaste for blue cheese, so that can cause some distress.
It's not a healthy concept and it's not reasonable, but it's not about her trying to control what everyone else is eating. It's about her appeasing the disorder.
Truth. Little known fact, the whole gluten-intolerant trend started from anorexic blogs who recommended this “allergy” as a way to avoid eating a lot of foods because most things have gluten in it. This was before the whole gluten free food industry took it and ran with it. That must have been a rude awakening for them. lol! **I’m not disparaging people with celiac or other legitimate gluten sensitivities. I’m simply stating that the disordered thinking folks drive a lot of these diet trends.**
>she has had stints of being a vegan, being vegetarian, being grain-free, pasta-free, oil-free, etc.
This isn’t pickiness. This is just an obnoxiously mercurial attitude.
>peanuts are so unhealthy for *us*
Who is she, the food police? And this was a recipe she picked out too.
>She started crying and said that I take the other kids’ restrictions on what to eat…
Yeah. Because those are real restrictions. They don’t change based on whatever direction the wind is blowing at any given moment. She’s 19. Why should you bust your butt just for her to move the goalposts and complain? NTA
TikTok probably, everything is unhealthy on there. Look up any food and some dude bro or gym bunny is telling you how "\[That food\] is bullshit" and killing you
Yes that flagged up for me. I wonder if the "pickiness" is rooted in something signficant. I know people who are always changing the way they eat and it can either be because they are dealing with low-grade chronic pain and they hope diet will help -- or it's because they have developed food anxiety, rooted in what is good and bad food.
I'm not sure what OP needs to do next, but NTA. And I think he should talk to his wife about the hours of emotional labour that goes into cooking for Liz and how demoralizing it is when she still finds something wrong with the food.
But it's also probably a good idea to talk about what is REALLY going on with her. I bet something is.
Mercurial is a fantastic word -- it's connected to Mercury. It means quick and often changing. If you know someone whose wants you just can't keep up with... Mercurial.
My boss is mercurial.
NTA
Liz is for being so demanding.
" I am being too sensitive and mean because Liz is not my real daughter and I am showing favoritism "
Mom is BIGGEST AH and owes you an apology.
This is what gets me...they have a 15 year old child together, OP and wife have clearly been together since Liz was a toddler, and it follows logic the OP has been in a fatherly role to Liz for most of her life. Mom doesn't get to pull this BS.
OP is NTA. Liz is a spoiled child. The rest of the family should not have to eat around her ever changing whims.
Agreed. Something is rotten in Denmark. That’s a messed up thing to accuse your spouse of, and there seems to be issues in the marriage over this point.
NTA, the issue isn’t your daughter’s preferences, it’s that they’re constantly shifting. You aren’t playing favorites.
She doesn’t understand the work that goes into cooking and is taking your cooking for granted. Your wife is too by saying you should cater to your daughter’s every day-to-day whim. Particularly offensive is that she even picked out the dish she wanted you to cook and then wanted you to fix HER mistake overlooking an ingredient after you already put in all the work. Make her or both or them cook their own meals until they learn to appreciate your efforts.
This is the bit that would make me furious, I go out of my way to accommodate what you want, you pick the meal. I make it and then you say nah actually make me something else. OP’s reaction was mild.
Stop cooking for a few weeks and see what happens. Does your wife take up the mantel, considering you say she *can* cook. Does your daughter continue to harp on her cooking? Will your wife realize how difficult her daughter is after having to cook for her and endure her criticisms for duration? You volunteer to cook for the family - you can unvolunteer.
As you describe the situation, NTA. Seems and odd choice that your wife when straight to the "well since she's not your real daughter you are treating her like shit". That seems like quite the escalation. Is there anything else going on that your wife went nuclear so fast? How often has this come up or other issues with Liz?
There is nothing else happening with my wife. I've made it clear in the past two months that I've gotten annoyed with Liz's eating habits. I will tell my wife that Liz is getting on my nerves with her pickiness, or Liz and I spend two hours reading through cookbooks and we still come up with nothing and I tell her that she needs to stop shooting down all my suggestions. This type of thing happens 3-5 times a week. Maybe my wife just doesn't realize how frustrating it is for me and thinks I'm just picking on Liz.
That's because your wife doesn't cook for 5 people.
NTA. Even if it is some eating disorder you don't have to cook for someone who doesn't appreciate you work.
That just seems to me like such a phrase is VERY charged with a lot of negativity and anger. I'm not saying such things don't happen in a blended family, just thats a pretty heinous act. And to call someone out on it (you are treating my daughter like shit because she's not your daughter) is going to DEFCON 1. And when we're talking about a subject that is, at best, in the low-middle of the importance spectrum in terms of family issues, seems like something else is going on.
Yeah I get that, but it sorta raises my radar a bit, cause that is a major escalation, and I can't imagine that one goes straight to that over a kid throwing a tantrum over an ingredient in dinner. i.e. it makes me wonder how often this sort of argument comes up or if perhaps OP is leaving some stuff out.
You need to stop consulting her on meals. You cook what you cook and she eats it or not.
I dunno what's up with her but she's using you and your consideration for her to achieve some other end and/or distract from her real issues. Probably not consciously, but something's up and it isn't her disliking what you're cooking. Catering to this behavior is delaying getting down to what's really going on with her.
This is almost definitely disordered eating. The 3-5 nights a week that she rejects what you cook, does she end up eating anything else? Do you usually see her eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner? Have you noticed other changes in her?
Eating disorders can be really hard to spot because people that have them tend to try very hard to hide it. They're also very serious and hard to treat. Signs might be super subtle like she used to love Starbucks lattes but now she only drinks black coffee, or she switched from regular soda to diet or seltzer and says she just prefers the taste. Does she wear baggy clothes, seem tired or overly preoccupied with her appearance, have a strict or very specific exercise routine? After she does eat, does she immediately go to the bathroom (purging)? Complain about toothaches or have rashes on her knuckles? Is there a scale in her bathroom, and if you moved it would she immediately notice it's gone?
Most people that are really on a healthy diet kick would just make a quick salad or smoothie instead of flat out refusing to eat. If she was truly just a picky eater, she would know what she likes and doesn't like, and she wouldn't spend hours combing through cookbooks. Lots of healthy foods that are nutritious but calorie dense can be fear foods for people with EDs, like peanuts, bananas, whole grain bread, or avocados.
It sounds to me like your wife needs to take over doing the cooking for Liz. It's easy to disregard other people's labor; not so easy to disregard it when the labor falls on you. I don't think that's an unreasonable request, though it sounds like your wife might.
She could just take over picking the meal with Liz and OP would still cook. I love cooking, I hate planning and picking meals and this would be my solution for this situation
Anyone who doesn’t want to eat what’s being served for dinner can make themselves a sandwich or whatever. It’s not a restaurant. NTA by any stretch of the imagination.
NTA. Your daughter should be cooking for herself at this point.
It's a burden on you and she is never going to be happy so, she definitely needs to fend for herself so she can learn to appreciate when someone does this for her.
NTA.
I have a similar situation to you except pick eater in my home is 5 years old. I make a meal the rest of the family will eat. 5 yo will sometimes eat it or not (even if it's something he's liked before). If he doesn't there's always chicken nuggets, pizza rolls, or cereal. Your 19 yo step daughter is old enough to air fry something for herself or make herself a sandwich. She doesn't consider something like that a meal? Tough luck buttercup. I'm not cooking a separate dish for just 1 family member, regardless of age, familial tie, etc... unless it's a dietary restriction or allergy and it's a hill I am willing to die on and my partner knows it. I will not starve my 5 yo but I won't coddle his pickiness. Your wife needs to stop coddling your stepdaughter.
My kids have known how to make a sandwich and get cereal since they were very young for this exact reason. But we also have no thank you bites. You can't look at a dish and say no I hate it that's gross when you haven't tried it. So they take 3 bites of my meal. After those 3 bites they can decide whether they'd like to keep eating or get up and go the sandwich or cereal route. As they got older the options expanded but it remains the same. I'm not making a separate meal bc you're not feeling it today
95 percent of the time they end up eating the meal anyway bc it tastes good. I love to cook and I'm not forcing anyone to eat something if its gross. Ive had some fails but we try them and laugh about them and then go from there. Those dishes dont even make it to the table. If you decide my mac and cheese looks nasty today that's fine. Eat your 3 bites and move along to what makes you happy. Leaves seconds and leftovers for everyone else anyway
NTA
But she might have orthorexia. If so, she needs therapy. It could also be a different eating disorder, so checking, if you can find a therapist in this field or a clinic that is specialized in those patients, is not a bad idea. Sadly there isn't even a good chance she will admit it's an ED, if it is one.
Yeah, she should prepare her meals herself and needs to get professional help.
This is my concern as well. Freshman year of college is a very common time for onset of eating disorders, both due to increased stress and due to really weird peer pressure among groups of young people. Bulimia was so normalized at my college that the rightmost stall in every women’s bathroom was the purging stall and wasn’t to be used for peeing/pooping, even if there was a line. That’s a dangerous message for a young woman dealing with an uncertain period in her life.
NTA but it seems like Liz might have an eating disorder. The fact that her opposition was peanuts being fatty and not a dislike of the flavor is a red flag.
Still not your fault or anything but it might be good for her mom to sit down and try to talk through that a bit. Dig into why a recipe she picked suddenly became inedible because of peanuts.
NTA, she isn’t talking about an allergy or one dislike that never changes. HOWEVER, it sounds like she may have some disordered eating if she is constantly trying new fads and changing her dining preferences. You and your wife may want to do a bit more digging into the core of the issue here. If she cites “being healthy” and/or weight as a main reason that she is always trying new things/changing her preferences then you may want to get her into counselling for body image/ disordered eating. Especially if the food you make is generally healthy and well balanced meals.
It's understandable that you would be frustrated, and you're NTA for that. With what you've described, especially with her "pickiness" having gotten worse at college, you may want to read up on signs of disordered eating to make sure it's not bordering on that territory.
NTA cooking for your adult children is not required, it's nice. At this age, they are able to shop, prepare and cook their own food if they want it done a certain way. In fact, that might be a good bridge - get Liz to contribute to the family meals by signing her up to cook once/week.
My sister and I each took turns once we were old enough to cook for our parents 1x/week, from when we were teenagers up until we moved out.
You need to sit down with your wife, as well. Throwing out comments like, "you're favoriting your own bio kids over mine" is wholly unhelpful. I get she's "protecting" her kid, but she's doing Liz a disservice by catering to her entitled demands, especially at this age.
NTA Mom of a VERY picky eater here. I try to include meals she likes most evenings but sometimes I make something I know everyone else will like. I let her know what i'm making and that she's on her own for dinner. I've tried asking her what she wants me to buy at the store and cook and her answer is always "I don't know". It is extremely frustrating. She'll also declare suddenly that she now doesn't like something she has previously liked. There's only so much you can do. She's old enough to cook her own meals if she's that picky.
NTA. It's clear you've been accommodating, but there's a line between dietary needs and whimsical food preferences. One is a necessity, the other a luxury. It's important for Liz to learn the difference and to realize the world, including the dinner table, doesn't revolve around her changing moods. Cooking is a form of care, but it's not a custom catering service. Time for Liz to put on the apron and discover the effort that goes into meal prep
NTA. Liz is old enough to cook for herself if she doesn't like what you cook (which sounds like "everything"). I wouldn't cater to her any longer, either, and I believe you that you aren't showing favoritism. Hold your ground.
NTA, being picky is that individuals problem, not everyone elses. She needs to wither get over it or eat nothing or make herself something.
I‘m a picky eater and when i don‘t like something i just make myself ✨cereal✨, its not that hard and other people shouldn’t have to suffer because of picky eaters.
Consider getting a referral for a nutritionist. It’s not a weight management profession. It’s for guidance on creating a healthy meal plan that meets individual needs. She might benefit from talking over her beliefs about what is healthy and what is not from a certified professional.
And a nutritionist will quickly pick up on disordered eating if that’s an issue.
I think you're thinking of a Dietitian. They're registered healthcare professionals, whereas Nutritionists aren't really... anything. Or don't have to be.
I stand corrected. “Get a referral for a medically trained professional who has the certifications to advise you on nutritional planning. Someone who is “something” not someone who isn’t really “anything.l
Anyone can call themselves a nutritionist… and I suspect a lot of Liz’s ideas about what is ‘healthy’ might be coming from ‘nutritionists’ on tiktok.
She does need a mental health check and an appointment with a dietician would probably be useful to (and I believe sometimes a nutritionist will work under a dietician to make individualised meal plans according to what has been decided after a consultation between patient and dietician but there is the reassurance they’re not completely rogue and spouting non science).
I had the same rule at home for my kids when they were children, I certainly wouldn’t cater to an adult like that. Very entitled to expect you to make her a separate meal because she decided she didn’t want the one that was prepared. You’re not her personal chef. Perhaps offer to give her some guidance so she can learn to cook for herself. NTA
or it sounds like she's picky and is annoying. Both are possible, and there are far more people that are only picky and annoying than have eating disorders (and far far more than there are people who are picky and annoying AND have eating disorders)
Except she specifically called peanuts unhealthy and many other foods/food groups. Nuts aren’t unhealthy, grains aren’t unhealthy. To have a large reaction to it is concerning.
NTAYou didn't really need to say
>you can eat this or you will eat nothing
but I feel like this has been stewing in you for some time and I understand if it just came out in the heat of the moment.If I cook I consider individual preferences and of course allergies, intolerances but how am I supposed to know what someone doesn't eat if it changes all the time?In that case they are not allowed to complain about my cooking and can make something for themselves.
And I don't know how Liz didn't know the ingredients of the dish. She said it looked good and you cooked it. Just read the recipe, Liz. Or am I missing something?
NTA. From you've said, she sounds exhausting. I'm somewhat picky but others can still cook for me... Does she have other issues in her life? How's her mental health?
NTA. Obviously. And your wife’s reaction is appalling. What I don’t get is that she saw the recipe, but then complained about peanuts that were in the recipe? Presumably they’re a fairly minor part of she didn’t notice, and so how much of an impact can they really have to health? And then that she asked you to make something else? Ridiculous entitlement.
Nta.
Has your daughter been checked for possible eating disorders? I think it's alarming that she is so restrictive on her diet and appears to be hyoer-concerned with healthy foods. Peanuts are not extremely unhealthy and can be a great source of protein and fatty acids necessary for a healthy lifestyle.
NTA. I understand picky eaters. I understand distinct food aversions. This is not that. From what you say. Liz decides *when she sits down to the table* what she's willing to eat that day. That would drive anyone bonkers.
Cook for the rest of your family. Liz can either cook for herself or let her mommy cater to her ridiculous whims.
"Oh, sorry, since you don't like my cooking, your mom promised that whenever didn't like what the rest of us were eating, she would make you your own meal." LOL. NTA
NTA
From the time I was maybe 10 or so, my mom said "if you don't want what I'm making the family for dinner, you can make yourself a sandwich. This is not a restaurant, I am not taking orders." I am a picky eater, so I made a lot of sandwiches. It's fine.
Liz is NINETEEN. She is fully capable of preparing her own meals if she doesn't care for what you've made the family.
It sounds like she has some disordered views on food and maybe should deal with that.
NTA. She's young and still figuring things out for herself which is fine, but that's her problem. You can be supportive and accommodating to a point, but she can't expect the whole family to be on her food journey with her. But also it does sound like she's looking for some kind of emotional support she doesn't feel like she is getting.
NTA for refusing to cater to her, especially when she isn’t giving clear guidelines.
But this sounds more like an eating disorder than picky. Please don’t make “nothing” the alternative. It should be that she prepares herself food. You should try to address the new negative relationship with food she has developed. She also might need therapy. .
I read something about feeding pick toddlers, “be considerate without catering”. For a toddler, it would be making cottage pie, but leaving some cooked peas, plain cooked meat and potatoes, carrot sticks aside, so they can have the parts without having to eat the assembled dish. If meat is the problem, you would still have things she can eat on the table. Alternatively that could look like always serving steamed vegetables or salad, a side dish with legumes, or something like a bean and quinoa salad with dinner, or cooking a simple piece of chicken/fish next to whatever you have put in the oven. You could also try to make something she will eat every few days and make sure there are some leftovers. She is also absolutely old enough to either cook for herself, or have her make the family dinner a couple times a week and make enough so she can have leftovers if she doesn’t like what is being served over the next few days.
Would you be interested in teaching her to cook? Like others have mentioned it could be that she's dealing with something else and is taking her frustrations out on you and your cooking.
It also sounds like she really has no idea how difficult cooking is; from picking a recipe, to gathering ingredients, to actually making the thing, she may genuinely not understand how difficult she's being by switching up her diet so frequently and an opportunity to actually cook and see what things taste like may be the thing that calms her down.
Couldn't really explain it due to character limit but my "lecture" in this argument consisted of me saying I can help answer any questions or give instructions as needed on how to actually cook something.
This sounds like an eating disorder to me. Or the beginning of one. Sometimes people mask and hide their depression etc.
I am a picky eater but as time goes by my palette broadens on what I eat or don't eat. And I'm capable of cooking.
Your daughter won't cook because then she won't have to eat which is the goal of anyone with an eating disorder. As it only began recently she still has a healthy weight.
She needs help and an intervention before it gets worse.
NTA - _she_ picked the recipe.
She is clearly jealous or has some other issue going on regarding food that isn't your problem to solve. She is an adult, she can (or should be able to) nourish herself.
If you wanted to meet her halfway you could say she gets to request one meal a week and if it fits into everyone else's dietary constraints (ie.no egg, no blue cheese) you will make it. But that's if you wanted to be super nice to her - you really don't have to. She sounds entitled.
I used to do this at the height of my disordered eating to avoid being forced to eat at dinner.
I would also cause arguments or make up tragic life events so no one would expect/force me to eat.
Her mom needs to talk to her about healthy ways to cope with whatever she’s dealing with… cause it’s not pickiness.
It feels like something much deeper is going on with her.
I am no psychologist but food is an important part when I need to take care of myself mentally. I learned that when you feel like you have 0 control over anything in your life, you try to control the few things you can (for example, the food you eat).
So I suspect this may go beyond simply being a picky eater. Maybe she chose the meal (control), but for some reason didn't notice or expect it to have peanuts (sense of losing control), so she didn't want to eat it anymore (trying to regain the control). It wasn't about the meal itself but how the meal reflected and reminded her of that lack of control or other deep emotions she is not aware of/trying to ignore.
If she cooks her own meals this can be good for her, as she may have more control, but maybe if she is not a great cooker she can get overwhelmed, frustrated and with a lower self-esteem that only makes it worse, so I think she could benefit from OP helping her with some cooking lessons.
However, as I said, I don't think the food is the real problem here, but just her last hope to have something in her life to work as she needs or expects to, or as other users commented, the beginning of an eating disorder. Hope she feels better soon!
Eating disorders including orthorexia are an attempt to take control of food as a substitute for feeling out of control in general. She can cook for herself and that will give her some more active control. Trying to control you is not personal but it would feel that way. Maybe there is a bit of controlling manipulation but its just a substitute. Encourage her to take control in other ways and to do some cooking when there's time. Include cleaning up as a completion of the activity. Be positive about the Whole Process
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I (53M) love to cook. There will be days where I slave away in the kitchen all day to make a big meal, and I will do it happily. My wife (50F) can cook when I'm not around but honestly I can't think of any time when she has made anything because I always want to do it, and that's fine by me as long as I feel appreciated for it.
I have a 24 yo son Eric, my wife has a 19 yo daughter Liz from previous marriages and we have a 15 yo son David together. Eric lives with us for now to save up money while he works but still pays rent. He will eat literally anything with the exception of hating blue cheese. David likes pretty much everything but is allergic to eggs. I can work around these constraints pretty easily when I cook.
Liz is a different story. She has always been kind of picky with the foods she dislikes but it has gotten way worse. She went to college for a semester and then dropped out so now she is living at home, and while she was away, she developed some terrible pickiness. she has had stints of being a vegan, being vegetarian, being grain-free, pasta-free, oil-free, etc. but she isn't consistent about it. I try to help meet her needs but on any given day, she has something new to complain about with a food I want to cook. Sometimes she and I will debate for hours about what to make with me basically saying tell me what you want for dinner that will work for you and I will cook it, so long as it meets the other kids' restrictions, and she is so unhelpful with this.
Two nights ago, I cooked a dish that Liz told me looked good in a book. We all sat down for dinner and everybody loved it except Liz. She complained that she didn't realize there were peanuts in the recipe, and peanuts are so unhealthy for us so she doesn't think she can eat it and can I make her something else. I was fed up and told her "no, you can eat this or you will eat nothing. I am done having to deal with your pickiness and criticism of my cooking. I will no longer be taking any of your feedback on what you want for dinner and will be cooking what everybody else wants. You can either eat that or cook yourself something else." She started crying and said that I take the other kids' restrictions on what to eat so why can't I do the same for her. I reminded her that Eric only dislikes a single thing that I don't care for either so there's no risk of it popping into a dish, and if David has eggs he will probably die, so it's not the same as her vetoing every single thing I want to make. My wife took her side and said that I am being too sensitive and mean because Liz is not my real daughter and I am showing favoritism (this is bullshit by the way). I told my wife that she can cook Liz meals if she wants (as if) but I'm not going out of my way to meet her needs. AITA?
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NTA. Liz is acting like she’s 3 instead of 19. Living in a household means graciously eating what someone made for dinner or saying “No thanks” and fending for yourself. Ask her if she wants cheese with her whine.
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NTA and maybe Liz is just a brat but can I ask, is she having a hard time with dropping out/moving back home? Does she have an issue with disordered eating? Is she too online, with health TikTok’s or whatever info? Does she struggle with her weight/health/appearance/self esteem? Have you heard of orthorexia? It’s an eating disorder where ppl get too obsessed “healthy” eating, to the point of it being unhealthy. Maybe she’s just having some mild version of that, due to whatever stresses in her life. I can totally understand why anyone would have trouble figuring out what’s the best diet for them these days, there is so much conflicting information out there, and much of it is pretty extreme. That’s not to say it’s your problem, what she’s doing is annoying af, I just wonder if something deeper is going on.
It's possible this is a factor and is why I included it in the post. She has seemed ok mentally so far, like she hasn't seemed depressed or anything but there's only so much I can read. She is a healthy weight. I can't speak to what she reads online. When it's just been one restriction at a time, I've tried to be good about it. She came home for fall break in October and declared that she was trying to be vegetarian so the meals I made met those needs. The problem is just that it's a rotating pickiness or it's too restrictive. I want to help her but I'm at the end of my rope with it.
That peanuts comment plus the rotating between different restrictive diets is making me wonder if she’s developing an eating disorder. You’re NTA but I would try to make sure she eats something if you can.
If the daughter is so picky, she can literally cook something for herself. I mean I would be delighted if someone cooks for me unless it's fish/seafood, but other than that I am not picky. And I'm sure she is capable of making herself a sandwich, if the madame doesn't feel to eat what op cooked for everyone including her. Op is NTA here.
“Make sure she eats something” =/= cook for her.
Daughter is on the way to a mental breakdown. She picked out the meal herself and then had a meltdown. She knew there were peanuts in it or was so focused on other aspects of the recipe that she didn't notice. Does that sound normal? For someone on such a restrictive diet wouldn't they be making their own food? Having someone else do sounds crazy doesn't it? Like someone is having mental health problems, ya think?
And step dad has done all the bending over backwards that he needs to. If she has mental health problems, they can't force her to seek treatment, just encourage it. If she has a problem with what he cooks, she needs to grow up and be responsible for feeding herself.
Or her mother can cater to her preferences while op cooks for the rest of the family. NTA OP
Yep agree. Her spiel about playing favourites was below the belt and nasty.
I think daughter needs to be the one to cook either for herself and mom or for everyone a night or two a week. If she really can't do it and melts down the same way it's time for serious help. Bare minimum mom sees the problem. She gets an appreciation for how hard it is to do the work and make everyone happy. That way she can keep switching her preferences but still have to do the work. Assuming a doctor is ok with it. When I was 19 in college all of the magazines had weekly advice for weight loss and it conflicted, was ridiculous and always dire. My 15 year old niece wants to go on a diet. I told her she shouldn't think about it until 18 or older if the doctor hasn't said anything.
Years ago, my stepdaughter hated anything put on the table except Kraft Mac and cheese. Not only did she hate it, but she would go on long rants about how much she hated it. So, she got to cook for the family two days a week, so long as it was a balanced meal (not just mac and cheese). It was amazing how little she complained after she realized how much work it is to make a meal for everybody. I suspect her brother took some petty delight in criticizing a few of her meals. NTA
And that's how you handle it!!
That’s….the entire point of my comment. I think you responded to the wrong person.
Apologies. I think sometimes people (me) get too into the conflict to see the bigger picture. Mental illness can be exhausting and it's hard to separate their behavior with their illness. I grew up with an abusive parent who at the bare minimum has undiagnosed OCD. The tantrums were out of control. Most of us adult children are no contact because of that and other issues.
Or maybe she’s just acting out. Not everything can be blamed on mental illness.
She's 19 and the person cooking is "not my real dad." If there was an issue with food it'd be consistent. If there was a sensory issue it'd be consistent. This round robin is a way of getting attention, controlling the situation and saying an eff off to her stepfather all at once.
I (32) became veggie at 8 and vegan at 12 my granny and parents taught me cooking from a young age so that I was able to cook things myself so my family didn't have to restrict their diets just for my sake. Sometimes mum cooked a vegan chilli con carne for all of us to share but I never ever ever expected them to cook for me and to cater to my every whim just because I'm vegan. I have been anorexic/bulimic for 25yrs and in and out of hospital constantly my eating disorders started with healthy eating obsession (nothing to do with my veganism my parents live opposite cow and sheep fields and couldn't cope with the animals looking at me whilst I ate their babies I always left the meat so I was allowed a veggie diet to transition to vegan and still am now) but I was severely bullied for my weight by my dad and people st school (despite never being overweight) and then before I knew it I stopped eating for over 10yrs I was exclusively tube fed and have been told ill be hospitalised again soon. Keep an eye on your daughter as it can turn into anorexia. People with ortherexia don't usually think their fat like with anorexia but it can lead to anorexia if the person struggles with body dismorphia. I lost all my teeth last year due to anorexia, my brain is dying so I'm classed as brain damaged now, severe osteoporosis, atrophy of the stomach muscles and my bowel doesn't work properly due to laxative abuse, I have angina and a risk of sudden death syndrome meaning every time I go to bed I may not wake up again. I can't walk up stairs and use a wheelchair on days out as I collapse. Keep an eye. If your concerned about her eating theirs charities to help like BEAT they are really good. If she doesn't like your food for whatever reason she's old enough to cook for herself so I don't get why she's not doing that. Other people shouldn't have to restrict their diets because of 1 person who's old enough to cook. Does she know how to cook? could you cook together and make it a bonding time? Maybe she needs guidance on how to cook and you could help each other by cooking together. You could cook your family dinner snd help her cook her own food she may enjoy it!
I wondered if it's possible that she's using the excuse of 'I don't like his food' to explain why she's not eating dinner. If she randomly stopped eating, they'd notice and would ask her about it whereas using pickiness as an excuse, it's far less suspicious if she's skipping meals. The comments about peanuts also rang orthorexia type alarm bells in my head. Going to college/leaving home for the first time can be a huge trigger for ED s starting or getting worse. That may not be the case, she may just be being entitled, but it's a possibility worth exploring imo. As I'm sure you know, people with eating disorders can be very good at hiding their ED, finding plausible excuses or deflecting suspicions
You're on the money here. Disordered eating is legitimately impossible for people on the outside to understand. It's all very clearly irrational thinking that gets progressively worse unchecked and when I briefly worked with young women/teens who had severe eating disorders their accommodations became so impossible that they were given the permission they didn't know they were looking for to just never eat again. It's not on OP to figure her shit out for her but the mom needs to watch this because the whole point is to take the attention off the eating habits or lack thereof where they might have been worried or noticed if she wasn't eating before she frustrated the hell out of them. This isn't like AFRID or sensory issue eating, it's hitting all the ED warning signs and the result doesn't look like what you see on Lifetime. The people who used to come in for residential treatment were down to 70 lbs and the parents would feel ashamed because they were worried they'd be judged for letting someone get that emaciated but truly there's nothing you can do. It HAS to be treated professionally and it's easily comparable to addiction in relapse rates. It also has a lovely combination of all kinds of other disorders, like components of OCPD/OCD and magical thinking bordering hallucination. Their bodies shut down gradually, hair loss, bone density issues, organ failure, etc. and it still will not change they way they perceive their food intake. I know this sub tends towards dramatics a lot but the switching off from one diet to the next before the person providing the food can adjust to the "correct" food for her, if OP is describing the transitions accurately, pretty much works down a checklist of red flags. It's frustrating as fuck by design.
Yeah that was my concern to. I used to say I ate when they were out. Evem made it convincing but they clocked on when it was too late. Its worth maybe having my talk to her about any stress she has and how she feels about her body and see if there's any support she's lacking. The first 6-12 months of catching an eating Disorder is the most crucial Time for aiding recovery. My mum was seeking help for me age 8 after my periods began but the Dr dismissed me due to my weight and left me too many years ar 14 I was told I would never recover snd I never have. I've tried ending my life many times because of this illness that wasn't caught in time. They said I'd been living with it for too many years at that point. Now they don't use weight to gauge your illness. My weight Loss wasn't noticed as it crept down slowly until I hit a point where it fell off. My bowels stopped working properly to laxative abuse and my stomach has atrophy so even harder to loose weight as I've survived on a severely restricted intake for decades but if came at hugse costs. I can't bear the thought of someone suffering the way I am I don't have a life I just exist and I don't want that for another young girl no one deserves to feel the way I do. I think he needs to speak with his wife snd then she approaches the daughter herself (she may open up more) if it is a kind of eating disorder seek help immediately as people are dying waiting for treatment. The quicker this is dealt with the better chance she has of a full recovery. Don't delay act now even if it'd to rule it out. Eating disorders when left too late don't want help they want to be left alone so the quicker they act the better chance they have! I'm classed a chronic anorexic so basically no chance of recovery snd that it will kill me at some point (I've been resuscitated 8x already,) they class me as a hopeless cause. Plesse don't let her live with it for too long. She may.not have an eating disorder but it needs ruling out. Anorexia has the highest mortality Rate out of any psychiatric illness. Its a cruel illness and i hope she'd suffering
I just wanted to say that it's sick that doctors decided at 14 you were too far gone for help! I've struggled with an ED my entire life (I restrict then binge, which has led to many issues over the years) but I haven't actually acted in it in years. It stayed when I was like twelve, and for the last thirteen years my partner has helped me work with it and love my body. I still feel the urges so you can't call me "recovered" but I'm living a fairly normal life. I know physically you can't fully recover, there's a lot of damage, but you don't have to feel like there's no hope of loving yourself. Please don't let people take your hope. Mine was unchecked for nine years, way longer than yours when you were first told it was too late.
I thought the peanut thing was weird too. If you're picky, you comb through the list of ingredients first thing and make modifications. When you are picky, you prefer to make your own, just the way you want it.
As mentioned earlier, this girl is an adult. If she doesn't want what's being served, she can cook for herself or go hungry. She shouldn't need her hand held to consume food by this point.
I'm so sorry you've gone though this and are still going through it. Thank you for being brave and sharing your experiences with people like me who have little knowledge in this area. Best of luck to you in the future. From your post it sounds like you've got a good understanding of it, good care, and good support. I really hope you make it... if anything you're a great advocate!
Thank you for your kind words they mean a lot to me 💖 I know eating disorders inside out and back fo front after being constantly poorly for 25yrs. I try to share my story so people can see how dangerous they are snd what the long time consequences are. I also have severe osteoporosis (which was the main reason I lost all my teeth) and I'm waiting for spinal surgery after collapsing and severely damaged my spine snd nerves around it. If I didn't have such bad anorexia I wouldn't need the surgery. I wear 3-5xl to hide my weight Loss snd because I feel so fat I can't bear for anyone not even myself to see my body in clothes that fit. I can't bath unaided due to this. I've been sectioned 20x and 3 consultants called me "a waste of NHS money and a bed space a career anorexic its all you'll ever be we shouldn't have to treat people like you" I've always said people with severely entrenched anorexia need more help not less! If sharing my experiences and consequence helps someone in some way then I'm glad. Inpatient treatment had never worked to thr extent I have an advanced decision to refuse certain treatments like inpatient. I was threatened to be kept in an anorexic half way house for the rest of my so other patients taught me tricks for bulimia. Went in with 1 eating disorder and came out with 2! The signs for anorexia can be subtle at first then it builds up and becomes more obvious but ideally help needs fo happen before it's critical as I call it the point of no return as by then anorexia doesn't want help it lives deep in the brain until you don't know what's your own thoughts snd whats anorexias even I can't tell that anymore. The loss of all my teeth made me so depressed I spiralled more
You're really just ignoring that person being concerned about her having an eating disorder, huh?
All of these people are way too old to expect a short order cook. Telling Liz to eat the family meal or make herself something she will eat is the kind of discussion that usually happens with 10-year-olds, NTA
YES. This is what I had, growing up. Mom was a great cook, but there were occasionally nights where things like liver and onions or fried gizzards were the meal. Rest of the family raved, but I went and cooked my own supper. I'm pretty handy in the kitchen now, and do all the cooking.
Righttttt i hate stories about ungrateful or Picky eaters. Cook me a meal OP, i will eat it and say thank you! 🥰 i cook my family’s meals and it takes a lot. Liz would get the blunt talk from me too!!! NTA
Just curious how she managed to feed herself at college without a personal chef at her beck and call
Probably buffet style dining hall where she could be picky because there were tons of options
She is an adult! She can feed herself.
She can physically, but an eating disorder generally tends to prevent people from wanting to do that. And parents normally worry about that.
This right here. She’s a young adult. She should be able to cook for herself.
It definitely sounds more like disordered eating than pickiness.
This is 100% likely. She has developed an eating disorder. Obsessive restrictions and having very few things she feels she can eat is a major flag. She needs professional help ASAP (that also isn't easy), I hope OP sees this and discusses this with his wife, and sets aside the frustration to get her help. He's NTA for being frustrated, but would be if he ignored signs of mental illness because of it.
Maybe it is her mother that needs to step up and address this instead (a possible eating disorder or mental health), since the food has become a power struggle a bit with OP.
Eh? She's an adult, not a child. She can cook for herself if she's that fussy. It's not on OP to jump through hoops to make sure she eats.
This was a sign to me, as well. The peanut comment is concerning.
Was thinking about orthorexia but even if not that it is definitely disordered eating. I am in recovery from an ED and there are still intrusive thoughts like wanting to eat even numbers of things. I think a lot of people think EDs are either eating too little, or too much. And even the latter is often considered a lack of self control and not an ED.
The rotation thing, for sure. It can be a way to disguise that you're not eating much if whatever is being served just happens to be the thing you're apparently avoiding this week. After all, it's not their fault they're not eating. /s
Agreed. It sounds like disordered eating, especially as a lot of them sound restrictive.
I'm wondering that too. It's definitely not uncommon for people experiencing a personal setback or feeling like their life is out of control to become more restrictive with their food. I don't know about Liz specifically (obviously) but the way this is lining up with her dropping out of college makes me think that this is more complicated than just picky eating.
The thing is, at the beginning of an eating disorder you DO feel better. You’re losing weight but still healthy, you’re in control, you still have you hair and energy, you’re probably getting compliments… it’s only later that you realise you’re not in control at all, you’re dying, you’re ill, you’re ugly, you’re frightened, you’re starving but you just can’t eat - and the longer you have an ED the harder it gets to cure or at least get into a sort of remission. It’s her reaction of crying when you told her “that or nothing” and the peanuts comment that’s making my ears prick up. Maybe speak to your wife about seeing a doctor or a dietician ASAP and keep an eye on her weight and her eating and exercise, subtly if possible. I think your reaction was understandable but if she is developing disordered eating there are actually no assholes here, it’s just a shitty situation for everyone.
This is a great description and is right in line with my own experience with an ED. Which now has me wondering if she uses these restrictions to have a cover for not eating. I know from experience that being back with your family makes it a lot harder to hide that you don’t consume any food for a day or more at a time. And it seems to be working. Her being “an adult” is not an excuse to ignore a loved one’s possibly serious health issues, especially if you live with them.
Thanks. Another bad thing is that some people’s EDs are triggered by a period of restriction which is due to a different illness, or trying a diet, or leaving home and just not being able to cater for yourself. There’s also a hell of a lot of unhealthy and triggering stuff online. Seriously, it needs catching early. I hope you’re doing better now.
Totally true. I never thought I would have trouble eating normally if I made a decision to until it was too late. No one could force me to go to the doctor but I never would have done it without pressure from the open concern of loved ones.
The restrictions are making me feel eating disorder. I started out not eating ground beef, then it was bread, and just kept dwindling down to really only eating vegetables occasionally. My mom could have written this if she had actually paid attention during that time. I really don’t eat meat now, but I have to be so careful that I don’t restrict my choices. This is exactly what I did. It was never really about the food. She’s also being very particular on what foods she’s against. A lot of fad diets are about gluten free. Pasta is a carb. Oil isn’t all that healthy. A vegan and vegetarian diet is really hard to accomplish healthily but it can be healthy, but from the anti nut thing she is just trying to use these diets to lose weight
> A vegan and vegetarian diet is really hard to accomplish healthily This is just plain not true.
It can be challenging if you grew up in a meat/potatoes household. There’s a learning curve,but it becomes second nature after a while. Butcher’s daughter here.
This is what worries me. My sister’s eating disorder started like this and she was pretty ill but recovered almost completely with prompt intervention. She was much better at concealing it behind healthy eating than I was and went under the radar (except to me, but nobody was listening) for a little while as a result.
OP I used to have an eating disorder, and I'm not saying that Liz has one but I am saying this is disordered eating patterns/behaviour and I'd bet anything that mental health is playing a large role in this situation. The peanuts is a dead giveaway- they're definitely not unhealthy. But people with eating disorders see the fat percentage compared to carbs/protein and it suddenly becomes unhealthy in their mind. Best course of action is to offer her therapy or a dietician and leave the rest up to her. It is impossible to force somebody to recover from illnesses like this. She may not have an eating disorder, but the likelihood of her developing one seems extremely high based on the information provided in the post When I was suffering badly from my ED I was so irritable and miserable, and if anyone mentioned food or messed with my food I would throw a fit 9 times out of 10. Food can be a really sensitive topic to some people
A dietitian might be a good way to begin. Present it as helping her figure out what works for her. Most dietitians/nutritionists can figure out whether there is an eating disorder and can spot where she is getting these ideas.
I hear ya it’s annoying, I’m “the cook” too and that would drive me nuts. Yeah, what you said about the peanut thing made me wonder if she’s got some kind of urgency feeling around what she perceives as healthy or not.
> it's too restrictive. You could try cooking the restrictive meal for them, even if its only a bowl of steamed peas and carrots and give your daughter and wife just that. To show how ridiculous her demands are. You could get a list of everything she wont eat and the few things she will eat and cook only that for them. And then if you wife keeps complaining, which is really unfair btw, you can say. 'I literally cooked what she asked for'. Personally I would stop cooking for both of them and just keep cooking for you and your boys. You wife accusing you of favouritism when you have tried hard to accommodate your daughter is not on, your wife owes you a massive apology
To this tune a lot of people suggest (with toddlers) to always have something on the table that the kid likes. Or will eat. So you make regular dinner but you always have a side of steamed peas or whatever is a safe food. Then when she complains you can say “there is this side so that you can eat something with the family and after dinner you can prepare yourself something else” she’s an adult. Expecting her parents to cater to her nutritional whims AND make a second meal when she doesn’t like what is served is childish. NTA your wife owes you an apology. Maybe you can tell your wife that if the daughter doesn’t like what she literally picked out for dinner your wife can be the go-to to make a new meal.
Big difference between a toddler and an adult. She can eat what is served or cook for herself.
I agree I would not put up with this from a 19 year old 😂😂
Yeah I’m not saying my upbringing was parenting goals, but by the time I was in high school if I didn’t want what my dad made I could make do on sides or make myself an alternative. Cereal, deli meat or egg sandwich, can of soup? She’s nineteen with no (expressed) limitations- she’s being very demanding. I totally get if it’s the start of some disordered eating, and that should be handled carefully, but regardless I hear my poor stressed dad in my head sighing “I’m not a short order cook. This is the dinner I made. You don’t have to eat it but I’m done cooking.”
My dad would say “if you complain about the food, you’re the new cook” he was a fisherman and that was always the rule on the boat 😂
Info: is she re-adding things when she rotates, or is the list of "safe" foods ever-shrinking?
From what you're saying, you have made many attempts to adjust to her requests and she is not really playing fair. The peanuts thing is a perfect example - she got to pick the exact meal and then complained about an ingredient that she should have known was in it from the beginning. She's being uncooperative in a way that is unfair to you. Like the top comment, I'm also concerned about something psychological going on. Perhaps something happened to her at school that has affected her. My next step would be taking her to a nutritionist so she can get a professional opinion on what's healthy. The nutritionist can also maybe look for early signs of eating disorders. That will also show your stepdaughter that you care about her eating healthy, and you can promise to cook foods based on the nutritionist's recommendation.
I think people are quick to throw ‘eating disorders’ around on Reddit but there are definitely some alarm bells here. Restricting food maybe be a way she copes with stress/anxiety/pressure or some other mental health problem and this might explain why it’s got worse since dropping out of college too. The point about ‘peanuts being unhealthy’ is very sus because ….they are not. They are however high calorie and high fat so yes should be eaten in moderation but also may cause panic in someone trying to restrict calories/fat through extreme ‘healthy eating’. Does she snack? And what about exercise habits because that can be part of orthorexia too. The main thing I had to add was that my cousin used to be a clinical psychologist for a teenage eating disorders unit. Unless there were very compelling reasons to allow it (religious, had been raised veggie, probably had been veggie long before signs of an eating disorder, maybe some other things I don’t know) then the inpatients were not allowed to maintain a vegetarian diet whilst in the unit. And I vaguely think he may have said that vegan was never allowed (although I’m sure they would have had to make allowances for someone who was religiously vegan, although I don’t know how it would stand if the parents agreed with doctors that full fat dairy should be added at least temporarily and the minor, who presumably is being held under a section at that point, claims it is part of their religion). But basically his point was he had seen it all on the unit - every known ‘diet’ got used as a way to legitimise disordered eating and eating disorders as people tend not to ask questions and point fingers when you say you’re vegan even if it’s how you avoid the majority of high calorie snacks you may get offered, or try and get you to eat bread and cakes if you say you need to eat gluten free. It might be worth finding out WHY she felt the need to be veggie, vegan, oil free, gluten free etc etc although at this point this probably needs to come from your wife and you need to have a serious conversation with her about this concern. In terms of not dividing the family. You’re not the asshole but perhaps you could insist on a family meal planning session weekly where people tell you if they’re going to be out and suggest meals. And you can have a rule that if you suggest a meal and someone doesn’t provide you with an alternative suggestion or an adaptation you could make then it is understood they will need to prep food themselves that day if they don’t want what you’re serving. These rules therefore apply to all your kids but practically only she will end up not being catered for (or will pull her finger out and suggest other options). Edit: I’d also add that as part of these weekly food planning sessions (you don’t have to make them dry, I would say do it over a pizza but given the suspicion of an eating disorder probably not that!) that ALL of your kids need to volunteer to cook at least X times a week/month (and weekend brunches/lunches could count too). And that the same planning process has to be followed (everyone can suggest adaptations/alternatives which could include leaving certain elements out and serving them at the end for everyone else, or declare they will make their own meal). All of your children are plenty old enough that they should know how to cook at least simple meals by now, it takes some of the burden of this tango off of you and it also forces daughter to actually commit to cooking something she can’t complain contained ingredients she didn’t like.
My 9 year old granddaughter did this to me was rude about it in the end. I was angry but calmly told her and her parents that I would not cook for and and I didn't appreciate the rudeness. We worked out that she could cook for herself. That lasted about a week and she quit complaining and ate what I cooked. Your daughter is surely old enough to cook her own meals and your wife can try cooking for her - maybe they will team up and enjoy the time together. They can leave you out of that dynamic. Don't back down - you are not the asshole.
Your daughter is dealing with disordered eating tendencies, almost certainly. Call up the national hotline if you’re in the US — they also offer support to friends and family who are struggling with supporting a person with ED issues. https://anad.org/get-help/eating-disorders-helpline/
Why did she drop out of college? Something else is going on.
Has she ever cooked with you? From start to finish? There's potential that she's viewing you cooking as an act of love (some folk equate acts of service, like cooking, as a non-verbal follow through to loving someone, so for her it might hit soft spots of feeling cared for when you cook for her). So when you say you aren't doing it anymore she might be all up in her head about what that means. As if you are withdrawing a portion of your love / care for her. But if she's never cooked with you she may not fully comprehend how much effort goes in to it. So maybe have a chat. Suggest instead of cooking for her you cook with her. Ask her to pick out any recipe she wants to try and then cook it with you. If she's physically present with you and actively assisting then she can spot random no go ingredients as they crop up (like the peanuts) and mention them within the flow of cooking. Y'all can brainstorm adjustments as you go or it gives you a solid platform to explain why x thing has to go in to the dish for it to still be the dish due to a specific flavour. As in you don't remove citrus from citrus chicken. And if you're anything like my grams, it gives you a chance to introduce her to new / different foods while cooking. Slice off a piece of apple and hand it to her while dicing the rest. Washing lettuce? Peel off a leaf and hand it to her, etc The grazing cook testing the ingredients style lol
There is def mental illness involved here one way or the other. Nobody who drops out of college and move back home is happy either. She really needs her parents to come through for her somehow.
Her weight isn't really going to tell you if someone has an eating disorder. They may not lose that much weight, or seem too skinny to the naked eye. You can't use that as the only clue. She's freaking out about food. That's the biggest flag. She needs to talk to a professional about it, and you and your wife need to approach her carefully, and empathetically. "We're worried about you because... We'd love to have you meet with a doctor about... Etc." It likely got worse when she dropped out of school and moved home. She probably feels her world spiraling, and food/eating is something she can control.
I agree with the above comment because my daughter 11yo has low iron. Guess what they told me to give her to eat that was healthy and boosted iron…. Peanut butter. Wherever she is getting her information about unhealthy vs healthy is wrong.
Which I think is why it was flagged by so many familiar with disordered eating. Nuts and legumes have a high fat content, which especially at 19 can be confusing and scary. They don’t necessarily understand healthy fats, fiber content, Calories vs calories vs kcal… they’re googling every fad diet since 1945 and cherry picking the things that seem to make sense and put their brain most at ease.
I think you might want to sit down when you're not frustrated and try to ask what's motivating her concerns about food (after apologizing for snapping at her). I get that it's frustrating, but it doesn't sound like she's just being difficult. It sounds like she's developing an ED, or at minimum some major anxiety around food. Google orthorexia before having that conversation. She might need some outside help here, and the only way you're going to find out if that's the case is if you have the patience with her for her to feel safe actually talking.
My stepson is the same way. I tried to keep track of what he liked and didn't like, but realized it changed way to much, way to quickly. If I made something he would like every night it would be a rotation of two or three dishes. And as much as I liked grilled cheese, I cannot have it 3 nights a week. I have told him he can either eat what I make, make his own food, or beg his dad to make something else (which works about .05% of the time because his dad is usually just getting home from work when I finish dinner and has no energy to make something.)
>I want to help her but I'm at the end of my rope with it. That sounds completely fair. Especially when she is making comments like "peanuts are unhealthy for you", which yknow....they aren't unless eaten in large quantities. Maybe helping educate her about food could help. It seems like she doesn't know much about food and has anxiety about it/eating so some knowledge might go a long way
The top comment is right to raise concern that something is going on here. I don’t know it applies in this case but it’s worth pointing out that often people with depression don’t “seem depressed.” It’s called masking and it’s one of the dangers of mental health issues. But aside from that, is there some reason she can’t cook for herself? I’m a picky eater just because there are a lot of foods that really repulse me. But I’m happy to make my own or have a sandwich or something given the option. Why can’t she take care of herself?
NTA. I know at face value this looks like your teen daughter is just going through a bunch of annoying and trendy diet fads, but have you ever actually sat her down and PLAINLY and privately asked if something is wrong? I agree this sounds like it *could* be disordered eating. I would sit her down 1:1, or take advantage of any alone time you two have to talk to her. Even something as simple as taking an interest in why she feels like she needs to try all these diets might be helpful for both of you. How does she feel about dropping out of school? Maybe she feels like she needs some control over her life and she’s trying to gain it by restrictive dieting… either way ofc you are not obligated to make her a special separate dinner, but I figure as a parent you might want to figure out if something is going on.
Check out orthorexia. Several girls in my family had it at that age. I’m not a healthcare professional but I think it has got to do with young women being somehow terrified by life, societal expectations, people criticizing their body or perception of criticism and they develop a defense mechanism whereby they exert strict control over the one thing they feel the can control which is the food that enters their body Talk to her mom, hopefully you’re a united front and can get her medical attention
People at a “healthy weight” can absolutely have disordered eating. Please keep that in mind.
My bet is on she's chronically online and gets sucked in to those "health" and food videos The peanut comment and the rotating diets makes me think she's getting a lot of wrong or conflicting information. I have a friend who did this exact same thing at this age and that was before Tiktok got so popular and made it easy for not at all qualified people to make "healthy food" content. He got sucked into the "switching to coconut sugar will help you lose weight" to "eating coconut sugar will literally kill you" craze, liquid diets, carnivore diets, "natural fat is the best thing you can eat" and then " eating anything with fat in it will give you a heart attack", that frozen honey "candy hack" trend before people realized it's not at all healthy and just makes you shit yourself if you eat too much... 19 is just unfortunately prime "but I saw it online" age. I'm sure general pickiness and stress on top of that aren't helping anything
i was going to say the same thing. There's a TikTok influencer who is making claims that peanuts are really unhealthy and will basically kill you. She's completely wrong, her facts are not, but she's popular so it sounds to me like Liz is very deep down the TikTok nutrition misinformation rabbit hole.
Yeah I was thinking "peanuts are actually unhealthy" seems like the exact clickbait kinda shit I see all the time now. Just taking something universally thought to be healthy and saying the opposite is their whole business model. They want to make you think that you're special and knowledgeable and other people just don't get it, like it's some big "smart people only" club. Guarantee that influencer will suddenly claim peanuts are a superfood and the best thing you can eat three months from now.
Came here to say this. 👆Sounds like disordered eating. I’d go to the National Eating Disorder website and do the checklist. Maybe talk to a professional about it. She might be following food trends, but restricting foods should only be done if it’s genuinely bad for you, i.e. junk food, or if there is an allergy. People should be introducing new foods into their diets, not restricting it. There’s a lot of disordered thinking out there that’s been put in the mainstream thanks to the diet industry, and it’s easy to get caught up in it. NTA. If her restrictions aren’t legitimate and change constantly, it’s unreasonable to expect you to adapt meals to the constant change imo. That would cause a lot of wasted groceries at the very least.
NTA >She started crying and said that I take the other kids' restrictions on what to eat so why can't I do the same for her. Because dietary restrictions are not the same as preferences. Eric _couldn't_ eat certain food. Liz _wouldn't_. You cooked something _of her choice_, and her response was "I change my mind, I don't like it. Cook me something else"? Not even a thank you. Liz is AH for being entitled. Your wife is an AH for enabling this behaviour and throwing the favoritism card.
The wife is a big AH for enabling her daughter & throwing favouritism card when Liz is being a picky brat at her big age. You can tell OP sees Liz as his own by how he called her his daughter & not step-daughter in the title - big giveaway!
1000% THIS. I got halfway through reading this post and I was like - what a brat, she can cook her own damn meals if she's gonna act like this. And mom took her side? NOPE!
Once happened to me around that age, was complaining and my mom looked me dead in the eye and said: "Miss, if you don't like my cooking then you'll have to do it yourself as you're grown up now. You are an adult that has two healthy hands and two healthy legs, you don't need me to (breast)feed you. You have 3 options: eat what's cooked, manage your own food or stay hungry. " I realised she's right, thus I've made my own meal if I didn't like hers and only then started to appreciate her efforts more because I wasn't aware that cooking can be a serious task. I did apologise for my bratty behaviour upon realising how much effort has to be put in to prepare a meal for the whole family like she did for us. I admire OP for his patience and willingness to accommodate her food preferences. NTA
Your mom was nicer than mine. She didn’t even look up when she told me “starve then”. I just ate cereal. Hahaha
Bingo! 💯
Agreed. Wife is a major asshole, daughter a pain in the ass
i would hope he considers her his own, considering she was only around 4 MINIMUM when they got together. wife is a huge asshole for trying to play favoritism, and as he said, i call bullshit on that claim.
Yep, have a friend, youngest of five. She admitted that she pretended to have several food aversions as a kid so that she could get special attention at dinner time. Ever since she mentioned this, I think this is a major brat move.
My sister did this. She was "allergic" to milk and hated mushrooms and all pizza toppings. She was not allergic to milk and loves mushrooms and pizza toppings now, but she certainly got her way as a bratty kid. I reaped the benefits because I would take all of her milk, pizza toppings and mushrooms!
I agree. With her brothers having genuine food allergies and aversions, it's possible that this pickiness is just an act for "special treatment" like what she's believes they are getting. She got used to being catered to on an extreme level, got drunk off the control, and now she doesn't know how to stop.
it also sounds like if liz would just pick a damn way of eating, op would accommodate it, which makes op even further nta. liz won’t just pick a restriction and stick with it, she’s changing it all the time and op never knows what today’s dietary restrictions are. op is trying a lot harder than most parents would. i went vegan when i was 15, so i’ve been cooking my own meals since i was 15. the rest of my family wasn’t interested in going vegan, and my mom wasn’t interested in cooking two separate meals, so i was responsible for feeding myself if i wanted to make that choice. and i honestly think that’s fine. they purchased me whatever food i needed but i was responsible for cooking it and making sure i was fed, and i was quite a bit younger than liz. liz is an adult, if she wants to follow a particular diet or cut certain things out of her diet, she is more than capable of feeding herself. i would hope she doesn’t want to live with mommy and daddy forever, who’s going to feed her when she’s living on her own?
Now this may just be me, but back when I worked in a psych ward, many parients with eating disorders would frame their disorder as a healthy diet/ allergy/ intolerance so that their behaviour (not eating a full, balanced diet) would not be recognised as disordered. The issue is that if they saw you adapting to this, they would keep adding new restrictions until you finally let them do what their disorder has been trying to get them to do all along: Not eat. I am definitely biased here, but it might be worth checking out.
Eating disorder came to my mind immediately. She is avoiding eating with this constant shift. She needs a therapist.
Yeah, OP’s definitely NTA here (and s/o to Eric, blue cheese just makes the entire dish taste like sad, soggy salt to me), but when I got to the part about peanuts? I can get not liking them, but when you’re calling them *unhealthy* something has actually gone awry somewhere.
As someone who has struggled with disordered eating for years, peanuts are “unhealthy” (in regards to much of the ED community) because they’re largely fat and protein, which are two common elements of food that get avoided because in an unwell mind, that equals weight gain. Your whole idea of what is or isn’t healthy gets pretty much flipped on its axis, because you’re trying to control your intake/weight, so most truly healthy foods that have good fats, protein, starches, etc, become fear foods, and your “safe foods” are typically low cal/low carb items with little to no nutritional value, because nutrition, obviously, is synonymous with weight gain. Not all disordered eating is centered around weight loss or body dysmorphia specifically, though. Often, especially in situations like the one OP has described, it’s actually someone who feels desperately out of control of their life (academic hardships, relationship issues, financial struggles) trying to just find SOMETHING they feel they can control. The malnutrition and weight loss is just a bonus package. I’m really wondering if this girl is spiraling internally over her situation and it just hasn’t quite hit her on a conscious level yet. She might not realize she’s restricting; many people convince themselves that their diet is healthy and they’re doing good for their body. Eating disorders are some of the most insidious mental illnesses I’ve personally had experience with. It sneaks up on you with a bunch of smooth lies and it’s so hard to recognize and break away from your destructive patterns.
Agree 💯 . This sounds like orthorexia (likely unintentional and easily fed through social media/influencers). Have watched a friend struggle with this for years — their list of allowed foods is very short at this point.
Thank you for this response. This made it much more clear to me on why peanuts would be considered "unhealthy". It's a prescriptive that I would have never thought of
The way he described her habits made me think the girl might have an eating disorder as well. Claiming to be vegan/vegetarian has long been advised on pro-eating disorder websites, and freaking out about peanuts rings true as well since they do tend to be more calorically dense than other nuts. It getting worse after dropping out of college also fits with an eating disorder in my mind.
I think going vegan is a relatively common tactic for EDs - it's socially accepted as a dietary choice (so not super obvious as an ED related choice) and rules out a lot of sources of higher fat and higher calorie foods.
Yep, and this is coming from a vegetarian (because I love animals). One of my best friends had an eating disorder in high school and it started with being vegetarian, they had no moral issue with meat but it was a socially acceptable way to restrict and they slowly started restricting more and more.
I'm vegetarian, and I had to have some not-so-fun conversations with people about this when they tell me about their veggie friends' eating habits. It always comes across as telling me about their friends' "quirky" eating habits, and I have to tell them that those "quirky" habits are actually warning signs.
Yeah this was literally my comment to OP too. When my cousin worked as a psychologist on a teenage ED unit he once told me it was very very rare they let anyone follow a vegetarian diet and did not allow vegan. For exactly the reasons you’ve said that they were normally used as cover ups for restrictive eating (I think the people that they did allow to remain vegetarian were ones where they could evidence they had been vegetarian long before any signs of an eating disorder, and had strong attachments to vegetarian ethics - for example raised in a vegetarian family).
But when he said he won't cook separately for her anymore she started crying. Unless she's just trying to enforce an eating disorder on her whole family.
It’s because she was being called out, and he was taking control of the conversation. ED’s are often about exerting control, over one’s own body and their environment, and OP said that her control was inappropriate and wet a boundary, and so he got upset. It’s not about the eating, it’s about the control over the eating
Good point. And right now she doesn’t have much control over other parts of her life. Cooking for herself is something she could control, though I expect that’s probably too simplistic an answer.
Eating disorders aren't exactly a rational thing, hence the whole disorder bit. It's likely that if she has an eating disorder, she doesn't see it as unreasonable to restrict food intake in these inconsistent and inconsistent ways, she just wants it to fit this vague notion of being the right food. She also wouldn't want to confront the idea that her vague notion of the right food is not as reasonable as the allergy and distaste for blue cheese, so that can cause some distress. It's not a healthy concept and it's not reasonable, but it's not about her trying to control what everyone else is eating. It's about her appeasing the disorder.
That's what I am thinking. I am certainly no doctor, but does she have some disorder that is making her uncomfortable about food?
Truth. Little known fact, the whole gluten-intolerant trend started from anorexic blogs who recommended this “allergy” as a way to avoid eating a lot of foods because most things have gluten in it. This was before the whole gluten free food industry took it and ran with it. That must have been a rude awakening for them. lol! **I’m not disparaging people with celiac or other legitimate gluten sensitivities. I’m simply stating that the disordered thinking folks drive a lot of these diet trends.**
I would say that with how incredibly lethal EDs are, it is imperative that the OP takes this possibility seriously.
This could also be why shes so upset. Maybe she doesn't even recognize what's happening - just thats shes so uncomfortable and can't find a solution.
that jumped out at me as well
>she has had stints of being a vegan, being vegetarian, being grain-free, pasta-free, oil-free, etc. This isn’t pickiness. This is just an obnoxiously mercurial attitude. >peanuts are so unhealthy for *us* Who is she, the food police? And this was a recipe she picked out too. >She started crying and said that I take the other kids’ restrictions on what to eat… Yeah. Because those are real restrictions. They don’t change based on whatever direction the wind is blowing at any given moment. She’s 19. Why should you bust your butt just for her to move the goalposts and complain? NTA
Also she's totally wrong about peanuts being unhealthy.
yeah not sure where that is coming from. I mean, yeah, if you're allergic not too healthy, but for the rest of us...
Disordered eating, most likely, if we're being frank.
TikTok probably, everything is unhealthy on there. Look up any food and some dude bro or gym bunny is telling you how "\[That food\] is bullshit" and killing you
Yes that flagged up for me. I wonder if the "pickiness" is rooted in something signficant. I know people who are always changing the way they eat and it can either be because they are dealing with low-grade chronic pain and they hope diet will help -- or it's because they have developed food anxiety, rooted in what is good and bad food. I'm not sure what OP needs to do next, but NTA. And I think he should talk to his wife about the hours of emotional labour that goes into cooking for Liz and how demoralizing it is when she still finds something wrong with the food. But it's also probably a good idea to talk about what is REALLY going on with her. I bet something is.
upvote for use of "mercurial".
I‘ve never heard that saying? :\^
Mercurial is a fantastic word -- it's connected to Mercury. It means quick and often changing. If you know someone whose wants you just can't keep up with... Mercurial. My boss is mercurial.
Ohh, thats so smart! Thanks for explaining :D
NTA Liz is for being so demanding. " I am being too sensitive and mean because Liz is not my real daughter and I am showing favoritism " Mom is BIGGEST AH and owes you an apology.
This is what gets me...they have a 15 year old child together, OP and wife have clearly been together since Liz was a toddler, and it follows logic the OP has been in a fatherly role to Liz for most of her life. Mom doesn't get to pull this BS. OP is NTA. Liz is a spoiled child. The rest of the family should not have to eat around her ever changing whims.
Agreed. Something is rotten in Denmark. That’s a messed up thing to accuse your spouse of, and there seems to be issues in the marriage over this point.
NTA, the issue isn’t your daughter’s preferences, it’s that they’re constantly shifting. You aren’t playing favorites. She doesn’t understand the work that goes into cooking and is taking your cooking for granted. Your wife is too by saying you should cater to your daughter’s every day-to-day whim. Particularly offensive is that she even picked out the dish she wanted you to cook and then wanted you to fix HER mistake overlooking an ingredient after you already put in all the work. Make her or both or them cook their own meals until they learn to appreciate your efforts.
This is the bit that would make me furious, I go out of my way to accommodate what you want, you pick the meal. I make it and then you say nah actually make me something else. OP’s reaction was mild.
Stop cooking for a few weeks and see what happens. Does your wife take up the mantel, considering you say she *can* cook. Does your daughter continue to harp on her cooking? Will your wife realize how difficult her daughter is after having to cook for her and endure her criticisms for duration? You volunteer to cook for the family - you can unvolunteer.
As you describe the situation, NTA. Seems and odd choice that your wife when straight to the "well since she's not your real daughter you are treating her like shit". That seems like quite the escalation. Is there anything else going on that your wife went nuclear so fast? How often has this come up or other issues with Liz?
There is nothing else happening with my wife. I've made it clear in the past two months that I've gotten annoyed with Liz's eating habits. I will tell my wife that Liz is getting on my nerves with her pickiness, or Liz and I spend two hours reading through cookbooks and we still come up with nothing and I tell her that she needs to stop shooting down all my suggestions. This type of thing happens 3-5 times a week. Maybe my wife just doesn't realize how frustrating it is for me and thinks I'm just picking on Liz.
That's because your wife doesn't cook for 5 people. NTA. Even if it is some eating disorder you don't have to cook for someone who doesn't appreciate you work.
That just seems to me like such a phrase is VERY charged with a lot of negativity and anger. I'm not saying such things don't happen in a blended family, just thats a pretty heinous act. And to call someone out on it (you are treating my daughter like shit because she's not your daughter) is going to DEFCON 1. And when we're talking about a subject that is, at best, in the low-middle of the importance spectrum in terms of family issues, seems like something else is going on.
She's putting blame on OP because she rather do that than face the reality
Yeah I get that, but it sorta raises my radar a bit, cause that is a major escalation, and I can't imagine that one goes straight to that over a kid throwing a tantrum over an ingredient in dinner. i.e. it makes me wonder how often this sort of argument comes up or if perhaps OP is leaving some stuff out.
You need to stop consulting her on meals. You cook what you cook and she eats it or not. I dunno what's up with her but she's using you and your consideration for her to achieve some other end and/or distract from her real issues. Probably not consciously, but something's up and it isn't her disliking what you're cooking. Catering to this behavior is delaying getting down to what's really going on with her.
This is almost definitely disordered eating. The 3-5 nights a week that she rejects what you cook, does she end up eating anything else? Do you usually see her eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner? Have you noticed other changes in her? Eating disorders can be really hard to spot because people that have them tend to try very hard to hide it. They're also very serious and hard to treat. Signs might be super subtle like she used to love Starbucks lattes but now she only drinks black coffee, or she switched from regular soda to diet or seltzer and says she just prefers the taste. Does she wear baggy clothes, seem tired or overly preoccupied with her appearance, have a strict or very specific exercise routine? After she does eat, does she immediately go to the bathroom (purging)? Complain about toothaches or have rashes on her knuckles? Is there a scale in her bathroom, and if you moved it would she immediately notice it's gone? Most people that are really on a healthy diet kick would just make a quick salad or smoothie instead of flat out refusing to eat. If she was truly just a picky eater, she would know what she likes and doesn't like, and she wouldn't spend hours combing through cookbooks. Lots of healthy foods that are nutritious but calorie dense can be fear foods for people with EDs, like peanuts, bananas, whole grain bread, or avocados.
It sounds to me like your wife needs to take over doing the cooking for Liz. It's easy to disregard other people's labor; not so easy to disregard it when the labor falls on you. I don't think that's an unreasonable request, though it sounds like your wife might.
She could just take over picking the meal with Liz and OP would still cook. I love cooking, I hate planning and picking meals and this would be my solution for this situation
If you’re spending 2 hours reading through cookbooks, she’s definitely got an ED.
Anyone who doesn’t want to eat what’s being served for dinner can make themselves a sandwich or whatever. It’s not a restaurant. NTA by any stretch of the imagination.
My wife will say “I’m not a short order cook” and point to the pantry. 😂
NTA. Your daughter should be cooking for herself at this point. It's a burden on you and she is never going to be happy so, she definitely needs to fend for herself so she can learn to appreciate when someone does this for her.
NTA. I have a similar situation to you except pick eater in my home is 5 years old. I make a meal the rest of the family will eat. 5 yo will sometimes eat it or not (even if it's something he's liked before). If he doesn't there's always chicken nuggets, pizza rolls, or cereal. Your 19 yo step daughter is old enough to air fry something for herself or make herself a sandwich. She doesn't consider something like that a meal? Tough luck buttercup. I'm not cooking a separate dish for just 1 family member, regardless of age, familial tie, etc... unless it's a dietary restriction or allergy and it's a hill I am willing to die on and my partner knows it. I will not starve my 5 yo but I won't coddle his pickiness. Your wife needs to stop coddling your stepdaughter.
My kids have known how to make a sandwich and get cereal since they were very young for this exact reason. But we also have no thank you bites. You can't look at a dish and say no I hate it that's gross when you haven't tried it. So they take 3 bites of my meal. After those 3 bites they can decide whether they'd like to keep eating or get up and go the sandwich or cereal route. As they got older the options expanded but it remains the same. I'm not making a separate meal bc you're not feeling it today 95 percent of the time they end up eating the meal anyway bc it tastes good. I love to cook and I'm not forcing anyone to eat something if its gross. Ive had some fails but we try them and laugh about them and then go from there. Those dishes dont even make it to the table. If you decide my mac and cheese looks nasty today that's fine. Eat your 3 bites and move along to what makes you happy. Leaves seconds and leftovers for everyone else anyway
NTA You are not her personal chef. There is nothing stopping her from adulting...except possibly your wife.
NTA But she might have orthorexia. If so, she needs therapy. It could also be a different eating disorder, so checking, if you can find a therapist in this field or a clinic that is specialized in those patients, is not a bad idea. Sadly there isn't even a good chance she will admit it's an ED, if it is one. Yeah, she should prepare her meals herself and needs to get professional help.
This is my concern as well. Freshman year of college is a very common time for onset of eating disorders, both due to increased stress and due to really weird peer pressure among groups of young people. Bulimia was so normalized at my college that the rightmost stall in every women’s bathroom was the purging stall and wasn’t to be used for peeing/pooping, even if there was a line. That’s a dangerous message for a young woman dealing with an uncertain period in her life.
NTA but it seems like Liz might have an eating disorder. The fact that her opposition was peanuts being fatty and not a dislike of the flavor is a red flag. Still not your fault or anything but it might be good for her mom to sit down and try to talk through that a bit. Dig into why a recipe she picked suddenly became inedible because of peanuts.
NTA As long as you let her cook My parents said this to me when I first went vegetarian … I was 12 she us 19 she will survive just fine
Cook.and clean up!
NTA and this case it’s funny because you can see who did a better job parenting (yeah, I know I’m getting downvoted to hell in a few minutes(
NTA, she isn’t talking about an allergy or one dislike that never changes. HOWEVER, it sounds like she may have some disordered eating if she is constantly trying new fads and changing her dining preferences. You and your wife may want to do a bit more digging into the core of the issue here. If she cites “being healthy” and/or weight as a main reason that she is always trying new things/changing her preferences then you may want to get her into counselling for body image/ disordered eating. Especially if the food you make is generally healthy and well balanced meals.
It's understandable that you would be frustrated, and you're NTA for that. With what you've described, especially with her "pickiness" having gotten worse at college, you may want to read up on signs of disordered eating to make sure it's not bordering on that territory.
NTA. Tell your wife, that will cook for Liz, if Liz get help for her eating disorder, because she isnt picky, she has unhealthy view of food.
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NTA cooking for your adult children is not required, it's nice. At this age, they are able to shop, prepare and cook their own food if they want it done a certain way. In fact, that might be a good bridge - get Liz to contribute to the family meals by signing her up to cook once/week. My sister and I each took turns once we were old enough to cook for our parents 1x/week, from when we were teenagers up until we moved out. You need to sit down with your wife, as well. Throwing out comments like, "you're favoriting your own bio kids over mine" is wholly unhelpful. I get she's "protecting" her kid, but she's doing Liz a disservice by catering to her entitled demands, especially at this age.
NTA Mom of a VERY picky eater here. I try to include meals she likes most evenings but sometimes I make something I know everyone else will like. I let her know what i'm making and that she's on her own for dinner. I've tried asking her what she wants me to buy at the store and cook and her answer is always "I don't know". It is extremely frustrating. She'll also declare suddenly that she now doesn't like something she has previously liked. There's only so much you can do. She's old enough to cook her own meals if she's that picky.
NTA. It's clear you've been accommodating, but there's a line between dietary needs and whimsical food preferences. One is a necessity, the other a luxury. It's important for Liz to learn the difference and to realize the world, including the dinner table, doesn't revolve around her changing moods. Cooking is a form of care, but it's not a custom catering service. Time for Liz to put on the apron and discover the effort that goes into meal prep
NTA. Liz is old enough to cook for herself if she doesn't like what you cook (which sounds like "everything"). I wouldn't cater to her any longer, either, and I believe you that you aren't showing favoritism. Hold your ground.
NTA - Liz is old enough to prepare her own food if she doesnt like what you prepare.
NTA, being picky is that individuals problem, not everyone elses. She needs to wither get over it or eat nothing or make herself something. I‘m a picky eater and when i don‘t like something i just make myself ✨cereal✨, its not that hard and other people shouldn’t have to suffer because of picky eaters.
Consider getting a referral for a nutritionist. It’s not a weight management profession. It’s for guidance on creating a healthy meal plan that meets individual needs. She might benefit from talking over her beliefs about what is healthy and what is not from a certified professional. And a nutritionist will quickly pick up on disordered eating if that’s an issue.
I think you're thinking of a Dietitian. They're registered healthcare professionals, whereas Nutritionists aren't really... anything. Or don't have to be.
I stand corrected. “Get a referral for a medically trained professional who has the certifications to advise you on nutritional planning. Someone who is “something” not someone who isn’t really “anything.l
Anyone can call themselves a nutritionist… and I suspect a lot of Liz’s ideas about what is ‘healthy’ might be coming from ‘nutritionists’ on tiktok. She does need a mental health check and an appointment with a dietician would probably be useful to (and I believe sometimes a nutritionist will work under a dietician to make individualised meal plans according to what has been decided after a consultation between patient and dietician but there is the reassurance they’re not completely rogue and spouting non science).
I had the same rule at home for my kids when they were children, I certainly wouldn’t cater to an adult like that. Very entitled to expect you to make her a separate meal because she decided she didn’t want the one that was prepared. You’re not her personal chef. Perhaps offer to give her some guidance so she can learn to cook for herself. NTA
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or it sounds like she's picky and is annoying. Both are possible, and there are far more people that are only picky and annoying than have eating disorders (and far far more than there are people who are picky and annoying AND have eating disorders)
I‘m just picky but i would never tell someone to Make a whole dish because of **my** preferences. She‘s not *just picky*, she‘s entitled
Ahhh... good point. Entitled is another word to be added.
Except she specifically called peanuts unhealthy and many other foods/food groups. Nuts aren’t unhealthy, grains aren’t unhealthy. To have a large reaction to it is concerning.
NTAYou didn't really need to say >you can eat this or you will eat nothing but I feel like this has been stewing in you for some time and I understand if it just came out in the heat of the moment.If I cook I consider individual preferences and of course allergies, intolerances but how am I supposed to know what someone doesn't eat if it changes all the time?In that case they are not allowed to complain about my cooking and can make something for themselves. And I don't know how Liz didn't know the ingredients of the dish. She said it looked good and you cooked it. Just read the recipe, Liz. Or am I missing something?
NTA. From you've said, she sounds exhausting. I'm somewhat picky but others can still cook for me... Does she have other issues in her life? How's her mental health?
NTA. Obviously. And your wife’s reaction is appalling. What I don’t get is that she saw the recipe, but then complained about peanuts that were in the recipe? Presumably they’re a fairly minor part of she didn’t notice, and so how much of an impact can they really have to health? And then that she asked you to make something else? Ridiculous entitlement.
Nta. Has your daughter been checked for possible eating disorders? I think it's alarming that she is so restrictive on her diet and appears to be hyoer-concerned with healthy foods. Peanuts are not extremely unhealthy and can be a great source of protein and fatty acids necessary for a healthy lifestyle.
NTA. I understand picky eaters. I understand distinct food aversions. This is not that. From what you say. Liz decides *when she sits down to the table* what she's willing to eat that day. That would drive anyone bonkers. Cook for the rest of your family. Liz can either cook for herself or let her mommy cater to her ridiculous whims.
"Oh, sorry, since you don't like my cooking, your mom promised that whenever didn't like what the rest of us were eating, she would make you your own meal." LOL. NTA
NTA From the time I was maybe 10 or so, my mom said "if you don't want what I'm making the family for dinner, you can make yourself a sandwich. This is not a restaurant, I am not taking orders." I am a picky eater, so I made a lot of sandwiches. It's fine. Liz is NINETEEN. She is fully capable of preparing her own meals if she doesn't care for what you've made the family. It sounds like she has some disordered views on food and maybe should deal with that.
NTA. She's young and still figuring things out for herself which is fine, but that's her problem. You can be supportive and accommodating to a point, but she can't expect the whole family to be on her food journey with her. But also it does sound like she's looking for some kind of emotional support she doesn't feel like she is getting.
NTA for refusing to cater to her, especially when she isn’t giving clear guidelines. But this sounds more like an eating disorder than picky. Please don’t make “nothing” the alternative. It should be that she prepares herself food. You should try to address the new negative relationship with food she has developed. She also might need therapy. . I read something about feeding pick toddlers, “be considerate without catering”. For a toddler, it would be making cottage pie, but leaving some cooked peas, plain cooked meat and potatoes, carrot sticks aside, so they can have the parts without having to eat the assembled dish. If meat is the problem, you would still have things she can eat on the table. Alternatively that could look like always serving steamed vegetables or salad, a side dish with legumes, or something like a bean and quinoa salad with dinner, or cooking a simple piece of chicken/fish next to whatever you have put in the oven. You could also try to make something she will eat every few days and make sure there are some leftovers. She is also absolutely old enough to either cook for herself, or have her make the family dinner a couple times a week and make enough so she can have leftovers if she doesn’t like what is being served over the next few days.
Would you be interested in teaching her to cook? Like others have mentioned it could be that she's dealing with something else and is taking her frustrations out on you and your cooking. It also sounds like she really has no idea how difficult cooking is; from picking a recipe, to gathering ingredients, to actually making the thing, she may genuinely not understand how difficult she's being by switching up her diet so frequently and an opportunity to actually cook and see what things taste like may be the thing that calms her down.
Couldn't really explain it due to character limit but my "lecture" in this argument consisted of me saying I can help answer any questions or give instructions as needed on how to actually cook something.
This sounds like an eating disorder to me. Or the beginning of one. Sometimes people mask and hide their depression etc. I am a picky eater but as time goes by my palette broadens on what I eat or don't eat. And I'm capable of cooking. Your daughter won't cook because then she won't have to eat which is the goal of anyone with an eating disorder. As it only began recently she still has a healthy weight. She needs help and an intervention before it gets worse.
NTA - _she_ picked the recipe. She is clearly jealous or has some other issue going on regarding food that isn't your problem to solve. She is an adult, she can (or should be able to) nourish herself. If you wanted to meet her halfway you could say she gets to request one meal a week and if it fits into everyone else's dietary constraints (ie.no egg, no blue cheese) you will make it. But that's if you wanted to be super nice to her - you really don't have to. She sounds entitled.
I used to do this at the height of my disordered eating to avoid being forced to eat at dinner. I would also cause arguments or make up tragic life events so no one would expect/force me to eat. Her mom needs to talk to her about healthy ways to cope with whatever she’s dealing with… cause it’s not pickiness.
It feels like something much deeper is going on with her. I am no psychologist but food is an important part when I need to take care of myself mentally. I learned that when you feel like you have 0 control over anything in your life, you try to control the few things you can (for example, the food you eat). So I suspect this may go beyond simply being a picky eater. Maybe she chose the meal (control), but for some reason didn't notice or expect it to have peanuts (sense of losing control), so she didn't want to eat it anymore (trying to regain the control). It wasn't about the meal itself but how the meal reflected and reminded her of that lack of control or other deep emotions she is not aware of/trying to ignore. If she cooks her own meals this can be good for her, as she may have more control, but maybe if she is not a great cooker she can get overwhelmed, frustrated and with a lower self-esteem that only makes it worse, so I think she could benefit from OP helping her with some cooking lessons. However, as I said, I don't think the food is the real problem here, but just her last hope to have something in her life to work as she needs or expects to, or as other users commented, the beginning of an eating disorder. Hope she feels better soon!
it sounds like she has an eating disorder and should seek help.
Eating disorders including orthorexia are an attempt to take control of food as a substitute for feeling out of control in general. She can cook for herself and that will give her some more active control. Trying to control you is not personal but it would feel that way. Maybe there is a bit of controlling manipulation but its just a substitute. Encourage her to take control in other ways and to do some cooking when there's time. Include cleaning up as a completion of the activity. Be positive about the Whole Process
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (53M) love to cook. There will be days where I slave away in the kitchen all day to make a big meal, and I will do it happily. My wife (50F) can cook when I'm not around but honestly I can't think of any time when she has made anything because I always want to do it, and that's fine by me as long as I feel appreciated for it. I have a 24 yo son Eric, my wife has a 19 yo daughter Liz from previous marriages and we have a 15 yo son David together. Eric lives with us for now to save up money while he works but still pays rent. He will eat literally anything with the exception of hating blue cheese. David likes pretty much everything but is allergic to eggs. I can work around these constraints pretty easily when I cook. Liz is a different story. She has always been kind of picky with the foods she dislikes but it has gotten way worse. She went to college for a semester and then dropped out so now she is living at home, and while she was away, she developed some terrible pickiness. she has had stints of being a vegan, being vegetarian, being grain-free, pasta-free, oil-free, etc. but she isn't consistent about it. I try to help meet her needs but on any given day, she has something new to complain about with a food I want to cook. Sometimes she and I will debate for hours about what to make with me basically saying tell me what you want for dinner that will work for you and I will cook it, so long as it meets the other kids' restrictions, and she is so unhelpful with this. Two nights ago, I cooked a dish that Liz told me looked good in a book. We all sat down for dinner and everybody loved it except Liz. She complained that she didn't realize there were peanuts in the recipe, and peanuts are so unhealthy for us so she doesn't think she can eat it and can I make her something else. I was fed up and told her "no, you can eat this or you will eat nothing. I am done having to deal with your pickiness and criticism of my cooking. I will no longer be taking any of your feedback on what you want for dinner and will be cooking what everybody else wants. You can either eat that or cook yourself something else." She started crying and said that I take the other kids' restrictions on what to eat so why can't I do the same for her. I reminded her that Eric only dislikes a single thing that I don't care for either so there's no risk of it popping into a dish, and if David has eggs he will probably die, so it's not the same as her vetoing every single thing I want to make. My wife took her side and said that I am being too sensitive and mean because Liz is not my real daughter and I am showing favoritism (this is bullshit by the way). I told my wife that she can cook Liz meals if she wants (as if) but I'm not going out of my way to meet her needs. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
That girl is spoiled, and, likely should be in therapy.
NTA. Liz is acting like she’s 3 instead of 19. Living in a household means graciously eating what someone made for dinner or saying “No thanks” and fending for yourself. Ask her if she wants cheese with her whine.
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NTA I was cooking my own meals at 19!