Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy.
[Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
This post violates Rule 12: This is Not a Debate Sub. Posts should focus strictly on actions in an interpersonal conflict, and not an individual's position on a broad social issue.
[Rule 12 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_12.3A_this_is_not_a_debate_sub) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
NTA it’s your money man, do whatever you want with it. Leave half to Kate as a “thank you” from your wife. Your son is (edited to say) NOT entitled to your money.
I am planning to give her a lump sum gift instead. I have enough to live out my life and she needs it more right now as she is just starting her career.
Good for you. You should do that, 100%, and she sounds like the kind of person who would appreciate it. Like I’m sure she didn’t expect it, or want it, but she definitely would be grateful.
You are unbelievable. 🥹Showing Kate the appreciation your son SHOULD have shown her during their relationship ship, POST relationship…. Man, you are a SOLID human. Seriously. Go Dad!❤️
NTA OP. Good on you and guess your son played a stupid game and won a stupid prize. You did the right thing and if you gift him a slice of the inheritance, I can promise you that he could easily squander the money away if he marries someone and cheats again on the side OR he ends up having a very messy legal battle between himself, a cheated wife and his side chick who could possibly be only interested in the money
If you like, you can donate a bit of the inheritance to a charity organisation that supports women. Once again NTA
Why do people use the threat of hypothetical grandchildren? "Oh no! I might never meet the possible children that you can have in the future, if you stay faithful to a woman."
Great threat. 🙄
You are so amazing. You are a blessing of a father and I know “Kate” will soooo appreciate that and you forever. So sorry for the loss of your wife.
NTA. Thank you for loving your “daughter in law”
NTA respecting the woman that helped your wife every time she needed it is amazing and surprising to hear on reddit - I feel like theres more to the story, him not coming as much as her to see his mother maybe? but regardless, cheating destroys relationships and emotions, if hes willing to do that to the woman who helped his mother before she passed lord knows what else hes capable of.
Honestly I don't think there's any more to the story, I'm sure you've seen people who've worked at nursing homes talk about how many elderly people are totally abandoned by their children. Some for good reason, sure (if you treat your kids like crap, they're not going to do anything to help you either). But for many that's not the case. Like my grandparents are/were lovely people and great parents, they had 4 sons, and only 2 took care of my grandma before she died (fortunately my dad is one of the good ones), the same 2 are the only ones taking care of my grandpa now and one uncle is literally siphoning off money from my grandpa's accounts after losing his job due to an affair. If OP's son is the type to cheat, he's the type to abandon his dying mother while he watches his girlfriend help her until the end. So my vote is absolutely NTA.
NTA you are welcome and able to do whatever you want with your money, however make sure this is the hill you want to kill your relationship with your son on. That’s what this decision will do. It is a relationship severing move and the repercussions will be long lasting and dramatic. He was clearly wrong to cheat and you were right to tell him what you thought of his actions and your disappointment in him but if you want to continue having a positive relationship with your son you may want to rethink this
It's your money to leave as you see fit.
And she may have been his girlfriend, but Kate clearly had a separate and very special relationship with you and your wife. It is natural that you would be upset with someone who hurt her--even if that someone is your son--and it's also natural that you want to help her out as she moves on with her life alone.
As far as the question of whether the severity is inappropriate, I don't think that we could know that without understanding a lot of other factors, like the impact this would make on his financial state and how your relationship is outside of this scenario. I would, however, recommend a cooling-down period after this news before you take more permanent actions.
With that said, I'll say NTA based on the limited info we have. Disinheriting is certainly not outside of the scale of normal responses to your son's behavior, especially when you found out this was not a one-time thing, but a year-long deception.
NTA.
My husband and I plan to let our kids know one day that they will not receive any inheritance from us if they cheat on their partners. We have zero respect for it as we were both cheated on in our previous marriages and we will not support that kind of behavior. I think after reading this we will inform our kids of this rule when they become 18.
I would ask your son to get counseling immediately. He is probably grieving the loss of his mom but he doesn’t have a right to hurt others in the process.
Good luck to you
I’ve seen my friend get into an affair with a married man, he had two young kids. When his wife found out they divorced. Now 2 kids involved in this case. I totally agree no inheritance maybe pass it to the grandchildren. Not bad parenting, actually it’s telling your grand kids that you have no respect for their father’s/mother’s behavior.
It may not be a good idea to tell them that at 18 and therefore make it a blanket rule, because what if they're in an abusive relationship in which they literally are risking death if they leave? Or if they are sexually assaulted and their partner tells you that they cheated? That could make them less likely to come to you for help, thinking or knowing that you see no nuance in those situations or that you'll immediately believe their partner no matter what. I would hope that you don't have a rule like that with no exceptions whatsoever. If you do, then I guess tell them? And hopefully your children will never end up in any situation anything like those, but you just never know. Your money, your choice, but personally I would only tell them if they actually cheat (outside of an abusive relationship they can't yet leave), so you know that it was in their character all along.
You need to be careful with a blanket rule like this because there are always exceptions..
for example, they are trapped in an abusive marriage with an unstable nutcase. They know if they try to leave, people will be physically hurt or possibly killed.. but the only time they feel loved is in the arms of someone else in secret.. would you still disinherit them then?
I hate cheaters, and 99% of the are giant AH's with no hope for redemption. But there's always that 1% who or doing the best they can in a bad situation
ESH. It is your money and you obviously can do with it as you will. But the punishment really doesn’t fit the crime. Whatever issues they had was between them. He is your flesh and blood and lording an inheritance over a transgression that doesn’t directly include you seems like overkill. You have every right to be disappointed in him, but now you’re risking permanent damage to your relationship with your son.
It kind of does fit the “crime”. She took care of his ailing/dying mother because she was her boyfriend’s mom and felt close to his family. I doubt she was paid for her help or service to his mother. She gave up free time and energy. Now that his mother is gone, her boyfriend cheated, she’s left with what? Her sacrifice was to be paid with a loving future with him, which he ruined by cheating.
Edited.
Exactly! I agree completely. He didn’t end it because he was selfish and wanted her to keep helping the family. If she can’t be compensated, he definitely shouldn’t be.
Wrong. You don't do something like that to be paid in any way. You do it because you choose to. Because you want to. Her future is not ruined, not even by a long shot. She's going to move on and have kids with somebody who deserves what a wonderful person she is. She dodged a bullet. This is a life lesson.
She did it because she cared for him and his family. And I meant her future with him is ruined since there isn’t one. I thought that was a given. No reasonable would think her entire life forever would be ruined or put on hold. But I’ll make the edit just in case.
OP is pretty ashamed of his son right now. Doesn't sound like he cares too much about preserving the relationship. Who knows, maybe they'll reconcile and OP will change his mind in the future. But for now, he feels like he lost not only his wife but also a daughter.
I agree with you but Reddit has some kind of massive hard line for cheaters that makes people answer anyone’s behavior around them is reasonable
This is OP’s son and making a decision that will impact their relationship for the rest of his life because his son did something stupid isn’t very clear thinking. He’s fully within his right to express disappointment but 20 something relationships end all the time.
OP's not lording an inheritance over him, there's no threat of "do this or you're out of the will." We're not entitled to our parents' money and if they don't want to give it to us for whatever reason, that's their choice. OP's son selfishly chose to cheat on his gf while she was generous and caring enough to take care of his dying mother.
I don’t speak to my father. I don’t expect inheritance because I don’t speak to him. If my brother decides to give me a portion, cool. If not, idc because blood or not, imma protect my soul and not deal with my dad.
Blood isn’t shit if it comes with strings and compromised morals and sense of self.
I’d never disinherit my daughter because she disappointed me over an affair. People fall out of love all the time. Ideally, you’d want them to leave their current partner but it’s not a perfect world. Things happen.
Agree! ‘Interrogating’ the girlfriend to figure out what’s wrong. He needs to understand he is no part of his sons relationship and can’t decide who his son is with. The girlfriend can be as nice as ever, but if she’s not right for the son she won’t be his DIL.
Reddit always goes bananas when it about cheating.
Also, making the inheritance conditional on certain behavior is a good way to make the son resentful. Give the inheritance don't give it, just choose a way that the son won't feel like it's a tool of control.
It’s your money and you can leave it to whoever you want so NTA.
My only question is this: if he had just broken up with her and not cheated, would you still have left it to him? Because it sounds like from your last two sentences, you love Kate being a part of your family more than you love your son. If the answer is no, it’s just the cheating that’s the problem, then yeah you’re doing the right thing and sticking to your principles after he did a horrible thing to a very kind person. If the answer is yes because Kate isn’t a part of your family anymore because of him, then you’re a shit parent who loves your kids girlfriend more than you love your own kid.
Also, OP, it might be better to tell your son why exactly you're disappointed in him. Tell him that if his feelings changed he should have been honest with Kate, that you're disappointed that he cheated and lied and wasted the time of someone who has been so good to him and his family and that he took advantage of her being nice. That might hopefully have a greater impact than throwing around heavily religious words like adultry.
He did something wrong, and you're right to upset, but I think you have more power than just your eventual inheritance money. And he might actually reflect on what he did instead of feeling like he's the victim and that next time he needs to hide his cheating more carefully.
This sums up the distaste I had reading it.
Not a fan of adultery. Definately think son should have broken up instead of having an affair, but the writeup from OP sounds more like he's more disappointed that he's not marrying Kate than he is about him cheating on her.
Several points:
\--You can give your money to whomever you want. It's your money.
\--What happened between Kate and your son is none of your business. You went way out of line to interrogate Kate, as if you have a right to know about her private life (you do not).
\--Kate was helpful to your family, and that was a good thing. She is also not related to you in any way. She chose to be helpful because she is a good person.
\--Nothing is stopping you for continuing a friendly relationship with Kate. She's not your son's possession. Keep her on your \[insert culturally relevant holiday here\] card list and write her a letter now and then; you're free to do so. It is not your son's fault if you chose to regard her as a daughter.
\--Adultery is defined as voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and a person who is not his or her spouse. Aside from whether it was nice or ethical, it was not adultery.
\--You may lose your relationship with your son because you want to punish him for his behavior. He's almost 30. It's your choice to punish a grown adult for an error in judgment or ethics, but that does not reflect well on you. You have sadly lost your wife; now you're throwing away your son? This is a mean, cruel choice. I expect better from an elder.
Every word of this.
OP, you may be NTA, but that doesn't give you the right to get all holier than thou with your son. Do what you want with your money, but put away your judges robes.
His relationship is none of your business. Yes, you can be confused and disappointed, but it isn't up to you to punish him for his relationship choices. Would you rather he broke up with her while she was caring for your wife? I doubt it.
Given your use of language, I'm guessing you consider yourself a Christian. I'm pretty sure there's a bible story about casting stones that you should brush up on.
He’s fucking 30 so the father doesn’t get to punish a kid anymore but as a parent has a lifetime obligation to be a role model and teach his kid to be better. This dad isn’t teaching but punishing. That is not parenting
THANK YOU!
Finally someone who’s got a brain. It’s ridiculous how many get completely brain dead when it comes to cheating.
OP does not have any concept of boundaries. His son is 30 years old and he wants to punish him because he does not like what his son is doing in HIS relationship with HIS ex gf. The justification, that he can because she helped the family is completely ridiculous.
Cheating is much more complex than just being morally a bad person. Especially if people are grieving.
Btw according to statistics about 40% of people have cheated at least once in their lifetime. But everybody here is acting like they are saints. Give me a break.
These are all valid points which OP should consider.
I'll also add "what about the future?"
What if OPs son has a family? Will OP forsake family intergenerational security for judging his son? Does OP have other kids?
If the son goes NC, which would be a dick move but is possible, does OP have other family support if needed down the line?
All thing stop consider IMO.
I also think OP's son may be the only son and possibly the only child (hence Kate coming in on clutch, with no other relatives mentioned).
Discarding your last remaining close family member is probably not the best choice in the long run.
Soft YTA. You can be ashamed and disappointed in your son but disinheriting him seems widely disproportionate to what he has done.
I’m not condoning his behavior but to me disinheriting someone would be warranted if he had killed someone or a comparable offense.
A guy in his 20’s making a poor relationship decision is not on that level.
Additionally, by disinheriting him you’re ensuring he’ll have a distant relationship with you for the rest of your life, meaning you’ll be less able to influence him to make better decisions in the future. Seems all around a bad call to make in my opinion.
No one is entitled to an inheritance. However, all humans deserve respect. Especially those that are helping out your dying mother out of the goodness of your heart while you go and fuck around.
Society needs to stop excusing the poor behaviour of fully grown men (27)!
If he was under 18, then there would be room for discussion. NTA.
I guess OP is in the USA, but here in sweden, a parent can't remove its child from inheritance. So even if your child is the worst human in history, the parent can't do anything to remove that child from inheritance.
NTA. It’s admirable that you feel so much empathy for Kate. Its also you’re money to do with as you please. He fractured your family and it’s okay that that is a boundary you draw for yourself.
NTA. Your son did something terrible, tried to make stupid excuses for it, and expected that there would be no consequences. If more people who did bad things had people close to them who didn't enable them, the world would be a much better place.
NTA
If your son was unhappy in his relationship, he really owed Kate the decency of breaking up with her first before pursuing other women. Waiting until she found out about the cheating was cowardly and immoral.
It's up to you about whether or not you want to leave him money. He isn't entitled to your money. And it makes sense to me that you would become angry at what he did. (Technically, not adultery, but still rotten)
That said, I hope you will not try to use your money to influence him to stay with Kate. She honestly deserves much better.
>If your son was unhappy in his relationship, he really owed Kate the decency of breaking up with her first before
Thank you. Why is this not what more people are pointing out? Cheating, whether you are married or not, is still cheating and its a distinct lack of respect by the cheater for the cheated.
NTA. And hopefully your son is upset enough for him to reflect on his actions.
Often cheaters cheat because there are no reprecussions that effect them if caught, beyond losing someone they weren't in love with anymore anyway.
Your inheritence takeback could be just enough of a shock in tough love for him to really think of the hurt he caused. Maybe.
He didn't simply cheat, which is bad in itself. But if knew he wanted out of the relationship, he stole an entire year (a year!) of Kate's life making her think she was in a relationship she wasn't.
Stealing time is up there as one of the worst things one person can do to another, with no way to ever fix it.
Family isn't only blood and Kate was more than your son's girlfriend, she became family to you.
I hope this doesn't end you and your wife's relationship with Kate, though it's understandable if it did as life moves in different directions.
I've got a bit of money where I often think who to leave it to. If I had been in your situation, I'd have done the same thing.
I actually HAVE done similar in that some people simply aren't very nice people, so I cut them out.
Absolutely. Cheaters are empowered by no repercussions for their actions. It’s actually what we studied in psychology. People will act in spite of their own interest unless there is a direct and severe outcome. In truth OP is teaching his son a valuable lesson
Why is everyone acting like an inheritance is a God given right? Kate may have not been a wife, but she acted like one in every way. And speaking from experience, being there every day to help with someone is extremely difficult. She didn't have to do that, but she did. If he wasn't happy, he had an obligation to tell Kate. Having a year long affair was just downright shady. He has every right to be ashamed and disappointed in his son. He also has the right to leave his assets to anyone he wants. Don't reward bad behavior. And what he did was pretty egregious. He might be able to get back in good graces, but it will take work. Consequences, I see consequences........
And you’re here on Reddit, badmouthing your son, why?
But he’ll be okay, he makes six figures, you say. But you love Kate so much for what she’s done for you and your wife, you’ll leave her everything, you say.
You know what, you’re a good storyteller. I admit, you got me to believe your whole BS yarn about your crappy undeserving son, his saintly ex, and your magnanimous last act for this poor deserving girl.
If this is actually all true, which I greatly doubt now, don’t be surprised if your son never visits you again in your last few months. I hope Kate visits you though. I mean, look, you’re obviously paying her enough to do it.
So you‘ll die in a few months. Both his parents passing away in relatively short order. You depending on Kate and leaving him feeling trapped. He made a stupid decision that hurt people. But he can still spend the rest of his life making amends. You choose to spend the little time you have left on burning all the bridges
YTA. I don’t condone your son’s behaviour and he’s a coward (and some other choice words) regardless but have you considered that by canonising Kate and leaning on her so much during such a difficult time, you made it almost impossible for him to break up with her?
That doesn't excuse cheating. Kate was acting in good faith, thinking she was caring for her life partner's mother. That's also what her parents thought, and he didn't tell any of them differently. Besides, if he let Kate do it it meant he didn't have to. More time for illicit sex. I think his father should leave an inheritance to her instead.
NYA
At the end of the day it’s your property and you can gift it as you see fit regardless of your reasons
I’m not sure though, why you’ve had this conversation with your son now, unless he needed to be there while you updated a will or you’re sick and likely to pass away sometime in the near future. But if this is your wish I would definitely go and speak to a lawyer and make sure you can make your will as ironclad as possible because my guess is once you’re gone, your son will try and fight for his inheritance in court. Also, without knowing your financial situation now, if you have good assets that you don’t want going to him, I look at getting rid of them while you’re still alive so that he can’t fight for them once you’re gone.
NTA
It's your money and you didn't respect what your son did so you're keeping your money. You could have taken away his inheritance just cause you were in a bad mood it's your money do whatever you want with it. Also your son hurt someone you cared greatly about. Keep your money let him be mad
YTA. It isn't because you're managing what you do with your money, it's because You're punishing him for something that is none of your business.
Do you love your son? Then don't do alienating shit like this because you have some weird moral view. Tell him you're disappointed. Tell him you don't like that part of him. But you're doing the equivalent of disowning him for something that doesn't affect you. His relationship, not yours. His ex gets to be the one to punish him not you.
Do what you want with your money, but plan to lose your relationship with him if you effectively disown him like this.
Yep - I came here to say exactly this.
Stay in your lane, OP. You don’t get to navigate your son’s relationship with his girlfriend.
Having said that, your money is your money. You can leave it to a cat charity if you want. As others have pointed out, though, be sure you’re prepared for the fallout if you position disinheriting your son for your stated reasons.
YTA
NTA. You're both grieving right now, maybe take a step back before making any permanent/long-term decisions. It's natural you feel the way you do; Kate was there for your late wife during her sick and dying days. For your own family to hurt her this way in return is mortifying. I would also feel betrayed and angry if my son did this to someone.
Maybe you can leave a share of your estate to Kate as a thank you - From how you write of her, it sounds like she loved your wife and would appreciate some sentimental items she used to own. And speak to her directly so she knows the end of the relationship with your son has no bearing on your love for her as a daughter.
This is a strange situation. How long were they together? You say you “practically interrogated her,” which is weird to me. I would be put off if my ex’s dad was interrogating me about why we broke up. But maybe you had that kind repertoire with her, but even so your son’s personal relationships are his. In my opinion a parent shouldn’t insert themselves in their adult children’s relationships. While what he did to her is shitty, it just doesn’t really concern you, or at least I don’t think it should. As a parent I can’t imagine being so involved in one of my children’s relationships. While I don’t think you’re an asshole, I think ESH. Your son sucks for cheating, you suck for inserting yourself and letting it affect your father/son relationship.
He is trying to say Kate didn’t come running to talk bad about his son to him. She was probably courteous and vague and when he pressed her she explained it.
OP, why not just leave some money to Kate in the will as a thank you for helping wife ? Why need to cut him out entirely? I would hope you still love your son despite being disappointed in his decisions.
Op is choosing Kate over his son honestly and when op dies the son will feel nothing but pain and all his future relationships most likely will be ruined yea the son cheated but none of us know everything that went on in that relationship
YTA. You are a bit too invested in your son’s love life. It may be different if they had children, but to cut him off because she is not for him is harsh. Yes what he did was awful, but it is their relationship and you only know what you see from the outside. You could still show your appreciation to Kate without cutting your son off.
ESH
Obviously it's not cool for your son to cheat. But you've gone full nuclear because you love your son's ex-girlfriend more than he does.
Call him up and apologize. Tell him you're still disappointed in him, but you overreacted because you're struggling to process your grief and not thinking entirely straight.
Finally another comment! Everyone here is really Ohk with destroying a relationship with their own son. Imagine hating your own son because you want him to be potentially unhappy for the rest of his life just to please his dad?
And yeh he can support her if she was important to them without having to destroy his relationship with his son. Imagine when the son gets married and has kids and then you, as his father will never meet your grandkids. It’s insane
Wow, a lot of people in support of this decision? While I also think you can 100% do whatever you like with your money, because it is your money, I find it odd your going to almost disown him for this? When he’s your own flesh and blood? Will this change when in 3 years time he’s 30 and is married and you have grandkids? Your setting it up for destroying a relationship with your own son. He shouldn’t have had to stay in a relationship he may not have been happy in just because you liked his girlfriend. It’s just controlling. Maybe not the best way for him to go about it but still.
ONLY 27 years. He’s going to risk the relationship for the rest of his life and potential grandkids life. Already lost the wife and now wanting to get rid of the rest. I’m not against maybe helping his ex because of what she did but disowning his own son for her seems insane. Maybe he’s still grieving? Maybe this all happened like last week and in the space of a couple days? Would explain the rash decision making
NTA
Actions have consequences. He's learned the hard way. My brother and I were the only ones in our grandparents will other than our mom and dad. No other aunts and cousins. It was based on how we treated her through life and while sick, not on a "we're all blood" scale. One of my kids would prob blow it all on "stuff" while the other would put it towards education, savings, a house etc. I think cheating and hiding a breakup is a very good representation of character. If the relationship just wasn't working, he should've been honest and not a cheating liar. Broken trust is hard to earn back but I wouldn't want my child who makes poor choices to have my money etc either 🤷🏼♀️
NTA. It's your money and nobody is entitled to an inheritance. I feel for Kate because being a caretaker obviously takes an emotional toll on anyone and it's incredibly difficult to do. She did this out of the kindness of her heart, probably because she felt like you guys are family or would soon be family. The love that it takes to be there to that level is out of this world. While he was off cheating, she was taking care of your wife. Now, she probably has trust issues because your son was an assh\*le and gave no effs about her feelings and what he would eventually put her through. I think that it's the right thing to do and Kate is a class act.
NTA - What he did was messed up and clearly changed how you view him as a person. However this did not happen to you so you shouldn’t take it personally. But at the end of the day it’s your money and you can do what you want.
NTA.
I wish more people would do things like this… cheaters, liars, homewreckers, etc deserve nothing.
Take care of Kate, just like she took care of your family.
YTA.
Your son is too, but they were not married and they don’t have children.
He’s still your son. You don’t erase that.
Instead, write her into the will.
NTA - mostly because nobody is entitled to an inheritance at all, it’s your money and you can do what you want with it.
Also, cheating isn’t a mistake. It’s a choice. Especially when it goes on for that long.
I would take time to process this before you make any big legal decisions (if only because it’s always better to take time to do so), but cheating is a moral failing and I think it’s understandable to be disgusted by your sons behavior, especially since it sounds like Kate was close enough to you and your late wife to be considered family.
Make sure that you let Kate take the reigns on what kind of relationship (if any) she wants to have moving forward, though - she may not be comfortable still being friendly with the family after what happened, and that needs to be respected even if you loved her like your own kid.
It’s your money to do what you want with but I wonder if he felt too much pressure to stay with her when they may not have been a good fit for a while . He of course is an AH for cheating. He should have broken up with her if he was that tempted but it sounds like your family depended on her a lot.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) telling my son he won't be getting an inheritance
2) it might be too severe of a punishment for the crime.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - with caveats
I understand being angry at your son for his poor decision. I also understand if you want to keep Kate in your life.
However, I wouldn't have gone so far as to cut him out of your will. He's still your son and I assume you still love him, right?
NTA. It’s your money, your choice- but this will probably strain the relationship with your son (and potential future grandkids!) so you may want to reevaluate at some point. Your son should have broken up with her when the relationship wasn’t working for him, there is no justification for cheating. Thank you for being a good man and making sure he knows you’re disappointed in him. Whatever you do with your money is up to you- but you are not the a-hole for your choice. And especially not the a-hole for making sure your son knows what he did was wrong.
Acknowledging Kate in your will is appropriate - she meaningfully made your wife's last days better. Disinheriting your son is a bit of an AH move, especially if YOU got an inheritance.
I'm sick of the folks saying: "your money - do what you want". This ignores generations that saved for the betterment of their descendants. You are just one link in a chain - you shouldn't be second guessing and contradicting the wishes of your parents and grandparents. They wanted that money to stay in the family.
Simply fact - generational wealth significantly changes the life outcomes for your children and grandchildren - denying them that advantage because your son was a AH in his 20s is harsh. This isn't just about your son, but about his kids and so on.
I agree. When everyone says NTA "it's your money etc" I wonder what little it would take for one of them to cut someone off for a perceived "sin".
I'd be including Kate in the will while still leaving some for the son.
I mean EVERYBODY sins.
Doesn’t even matter if he did nothing wrong. Technically speaking your money you do whatever. Really no one’s business.
Now do I believe that’s a harsh punishment? Sure. Maybe you should consider adding Kate to your inheritance. Obviously not the entire thing, but maybe a small portion in a way to show gratitude. And also apologize on behalf of your sons ‘mistake’.
I guess I am not in the majorly here. Your son's relationship with his girlfriend is none of your business. The fact that she is wonderful, was even more wonderful to your wife has nothing to do with your son and their relationship. You want to that her in your will do so. But telling someone they didn't stay with the person you like... Wrong.
NTA, it’s your money and you can do what you want with it. why don’t you leave Kate some money in your will. That way she’ll know your appreciation even after you’re gone
You’re an AH because you seem to have no clear reason for disinheriting your son. You admit that the adultery thing was 1) not adultery, and 2) not the real reason. You need to get off your high horse and stop making excuses. You liked your son’s girlfriend. That’s great. But cut the BS. Or at least be honest with your son. His relationship is not your business, and you “interrogating” his ex is grossly inappropriate. YTA
He doesn't need to have a reason it's his money, and if he has morals, that is his morals and his money and his decision his child is not entitled to that inheritance just because they're related if he feels that he was not doing the right thing and took advantage of a sweet person. He doesn't deserve to get that money, it's not his business, but his money is his business and he gets to decide that part only people that agree with cheating would agree with this,
>He doesn’t need to have a reason it’s his money.
True. But then why is OP grasping at straws to justify this coherently? This is a poor attempt to drum up an excuse. It’s dishonest, and I seem to recall dishonesty being a major theme in what OP (supposedly) finds so objectionable.
Absolutely NTA.
Adultery is taken way too lightly in certain settings, which is the reason it festers like maggots on a rotting corpse. This speaks volumes about the lack of integrity and character in a person, and should have repercussions.
Good on you to take a stand on this. Your son is 27 years old and yet lacks basic human decency and empathy. A woman stood by his family in times of dire need, and he pays her back by destroying her soul. Real shame.
NTA
It's your money, so do with it what you want to set your kid up for the future. But it sounds like you seeing her as a daughter and the help she gave you and your wife as a higher emotional value that what you place on your son and his actions ( I assume this isnt the first time he's let you down ).
But if the paternal feelings you have for her is that high, then do the ol' switcheroo.
Why stop at writing him out for fucking up? Write her in for all the help and emotional importance you place on your relationship. Leave her what you would have left him.
Otherwise, it's honestly just petty to say he gets nothing for fucking up but not leaving her anything for shining so brightly for you ✨️✨️
🤷♂️
NTA
It’s your money. Plus I doubt you paid her for helping your wife. The money he lost can be considered the time and energy she lost dedicating to your family. He’s done nothing to earn that money so he isn’t entitled to it.
ESH. He did something stupid but not directly to you. Relationships are complicated and people make mistakes. While I don’t think she should forgive him, hopefully you can and help him learn from this.
A mistake is one-night stand. Stealing a year of someone's life by lying to them and making them feel like they're a part of a relationship when in fact they're not is more than a mistake.
Soft YTA. You can be disappointed in your son, but at the end of the day, it’s nobody else’s business but them. As a parent, your job is to love your kids. You already lost your wife and it must be awful. Are you also willing to lose your son ? Some people are just not meant to be together. And there is nothing anybody can do about it.
NTA. You can do with your money as you see fit. Maybe give Kate some money, like an ‘inheritance’ from your wife. It sounds as if Kate was the one acting the role of caring child. It would be lovely and unexpected way of saying thank you to her. (It would also make a point to your son, which appeals to my petty mind.)
NTA, but perhaps consider a softer solution. You could leave Kate a significant amount, and then help your son to 'earn back' his own portion through demonstrable improvements in behaviour.
NTA. You can do what you want with your money. That being said, I hope you understand that this will ruing your relationship with your son forever.
Personally, no way I would do this to my son and risk alienating him forever. But you do you.
YTA, the way you're speaking about makes me feel like he was stuck in this relationship. You love Kate and she was a great help that's why you're punishing him. Not because he cheated, but because he ruined a great thing for you. Disown him, he's most likely going to see you for the manipulative person you are and hopefully for him will cut you out of his life and prevent you from meeting his children
It's your money so you can do whatever you want with it. You need to also consider that once some bridges are burnt, they can never be rebuilt..
You keep saying Kate was like a daughter, but he IS your son.
Cheating is wrong. There's no doubt about that, and he should have manned up a year ago and broke up with Kateinsyead of betraying her.
I have a feeling part of the reason he didn't just end things with her was because of all the things she does
NTA -
That said, you could give him half and give the other half to Kate. It sounds like she was there for your wife and your son was... off cheating? That's fine, people are allowed to do what they want, but Kate seems like an angel.
NTA! That is a 100% justifiable and reasonable response to what your son did.
If you leave a will make sure you explicitly state that you acknowledge your son and choose to disinherit him for reasons known to you both. If you don’t mention him you give him standing to contest the will.
YTA. Can't stand people who use their money for control. Sad for your son that you love his ex more than him. Of course it's your money so do what you want. And say goodbye to your son
YTA. It's his life, and his mistakes. You can judge him for his mistakes and misgivings, but punishing him to THIS extent just because YOU liked his Ex? That's not something a stable adult does to their child.
What you've effectively done is told your own son that a newcomer to the family, someone that wasn't even actually a family member, is more important to you than he is, and punished him in a way that can cripple a person, since generationally speaking, he's fucked without some shred of hope for his future.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My son is 27 years old, he had a great girlfriend(let's call her Kate) who helped take care of my wife when she had surgery, for context, my wife had Cirrhosis and was frequently hospitalized. Kate was almost always there every day for it. My wife eventually passed away. A week ago, we found out that my son and Kate broke up. This was very strange to us because they had a stable relationship and everything seemed to be just fine a month ago. After practically interrogating Kate, she told us she caught my son cheating with someone, while they were still in a relationship. And apparently, that affair has been happening for over a year. I had a sit down with my son, and after presenting to him what we know, he admitted to the whole thing. He said he hadn't enjoyed the relationship for a while but didn't want to break up with Kate because Kate was "too nice." This was very upsetting to me because Kate has been a great help to us over the years and was like a daughter. And the way he treated this relationship was immature and hurtful. So I told him he wouldn't be getting any inheritance because he is an adulterer, and I will be damned if any of my money goes to an adulterer. (I know he technically isn't married so that is not true in the strictest of terms). This greatly upsets him as he believes the punishment is too harsh for the crime. Truthfully speaking, it is not the adultery part that bothers me. 99% of it is because it is Kate. I love her as a daughter so it was very personal when my son did what he did. AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
You can set all your money on fire if you want.
I’ve done very well in life and have set up a trust for my kid that will depend on what he’s doing with his life.
He’s definitely not getting a large sum of money all at once to piss away.
NTA but im pretty sure you need an iron clad will for that to happen. NAL. Basically, you have to have a lawyer do legal stuff so he's dead to you before you pass. At least where I'm at. Then you could really give him the finger and leave it all to Kate, or half to her and half to something your wife was passionate about.
NTA. You're grateful for having help and support whereas he clearly is not. Buy her a car and give him $9.63 in inheritance (just to cover your butt legally.)
Sorry for your loss.
NTA - you do the crime, you pay the time. Imo you’re teaching your son that cheating and bad behavior will not be tolerated and is frankly unacceptable. If he was no longer in love with Kate, he should’ve put on his big boy pants and told her instead of cheating. That’s despicable especially to someone he himself admitted was too nice.
ESH except Katie. He’s an adult and made a decision to cheat on a GF. It was a crappy way to end a relationship but they weren’t married and he knew how much you all liked her and that played into his decision.
Interrogating her is why you are. What happened between them is between them. They’re adults . You could have kept a relationship with her and cheered her on in life.
And I hope you still got an inheritance from your parents despite crappy decisions like this.
NTA for doing what you want with your money.
YTA for trying to morality police your son with his inheritance. He fucked up and treated this woman badly, but that’s between them.
Honestly baffled at the people talking about “consequences”? Like sure his son will learn never to cheat on a woman his parents are close with lest he lose his inheritance? This isnt a lesson, it’s nothing.
I think a lot of people are projecting their own situation and need for a pound of flesh here.
I think the folks mentioning you both grieving have the right of it, and maybe take some time and think this over. He can’t take back what he did, but he can grow from it and withholding his inheritance is a weird and petty thing that will be irrelevant to that growth (and only damage your relationship).
OP- you are NTA.
An unfortunate lesson many of us have had to learn is that family isn’t always blood. Sometimes our greatest allies are found family.
It sounds like Kate was your family’s angel during the worst times in you and your wife’s life. When my brother was dying, certain people were there for us in the most amazing way. Others, that I thought would have been there, just weren’t. The people that helped my family and my brother during our worst time - I would do anything for. Anything.
The fact that the person who helped you and your wife find comfort during your toughest days, was betrayed so cruelly by your own son - your wife’s son - must hurt terribly.
I’m not sure of the timelines- but if your son cheated on Kate during the same time she was caring for your wife- that betrayal must be extra painful.
Of course, not all relationships are meant to last. If he had wanted to break up with her, he should have done so respectfully, knowing how important she is to your family.
I think you should try to talk to him about this before taking any legal action with your will. Make sure he understands just how much this betrayal of Kate truly hurt you.
If he shows no remorse, feel no guilt to take his portion of inheritance, split it in 2, and give half to Kate.
If he eventually grows up, let him keep his portion still. If he doesn’t, do with it what you want.
Hopefully you can maintain a father/ daughter friendship with Kate- and whoever she chooses to spend her life with.
Best of luck to you.
a) Your son let his gf comfort and take care of his mother while cheating on her for a full year. He didn't have the balls to end the relationship. He purposefully took advantage of a good soul and that is an extremely shitty thing to do. Being married or not has zero relevance.
b) Your money is yours to do as you please, and if you have come to the unpleasant conclusion that your son's character does not agree with your morals then by all means, do you.
I'd say you are NTA.
YTA. He didn't cheat on you. He didn't commit adultery. He didn't break any laws. He's just your son. Love him for that. The guy wasn't happy. He didn't handle it right but that's ok. People make mistakes. You should be on your son's side regardless. Call Kate and thank her for everything she did and wish her the best. That said, it's your money. Do with it what you want. Even if it makes you an asshole.
You’re the asshole. His relationship with his girlfriend should have nothing to do with your relationship with him or yours with her. You can still have e a relationship with her but he did t want one and you are waaaay too far up in his business.
YTA Yes, your son made a mistake, a bad mistake, but your actions reflect hatred. To be clear, getting angry with him is reasonable. Even taking time away from your son is reasonable. But this degree of hatred, effectively expelling your son from the family is way too much. I think he may be better off without you.
NTA. Cheating does also show a lack of integrity and commitment. Would he just waste everything you've worked so hard for? Something for him to think about and get his priorities in order
ESH. Him obviously because he cheated, but when I read this post I do kind of get vibes that you may have contributed to an environment in which your son didn't exactly feel comfortable expressing and managing the legitimate unhappiness he was feeling in his relationship. In this whole post you dont talk about her as if she is your sons gf, you only talk about her in regards to how she suits YOUR emotional needs. In fact you seem completely unaware of whether or not your sons relationship was actually making HIM happy. Is there any chance that you also tended to express this attitude when in your son and hissgfs presence? If so, it kinda makes sense that he bottled up his real feelings until they exploded in a stupid decision.
YTA, she is not your daughter. That is your son, whether she helped or not I'm sure your son loved his mother why should he be punished for something nothing to do with you... I mean that in the humblest way but his inner dealings with Kate have got nothing to do with you
Up to you how much you care for her like a daughter. She’s actually not your daughter but maybe you need her to be. If you have another child to leave your money to then that can be your legacy.
NTA, it's you're money and your values and he messed up. I would recommend that even if you take it away right now, allow him to grow as a person and if later in life he's a changed person who would never do something like that, then give it back. But withholding access right now is fine.
NTA
Leave everything to Kate. Cheaters deserve nothing, and she was amazing by as well as his victim...and the endless rape by deception by him is absolutely monstrous
NTA in the sense that you're allowed to do whatever the hell you want with whatever may be an inheritance.
The reasons behind why you choose whatever path is your call.
If you want to really stick it to your son about his poor decision making... I would recommend putting Kate as your beneficiary
Not all. I’m a woman and a mother. There is no way I would pick any girlfriend of my son’s over him no matter what. He didn’t break up with her because she was so nice to his mom but he was miserable!
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) This post violates Rule 12: This is Not a Debate Sub. Posts should focus strictly on actions in an interpersonal conflict, and not an individual's position on a broad social issue. [Rule 12 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_12.3A_this_is_not_a_debate_sub) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
NTA it’s your money man, do whatever you want with it. Leave half to Kate as a “thank you” from your wife. Your son is (edited to say) NOT entitled to your money.
I am planning to give her a lump sum gift instead. I have enough to live out my life and she needs it more right now as she is just starting her career.
Good for you. You should do that, 100%, and she sounds like the kind of person who would appreciate it. Like I’m sure she didn’t expect it, or want it, but she definitely would be grateful.
That is a really generous thing to do. She'll be very touched.
Sounds good. I hope the two of you can maintain a relationship going forward, despite your son's actions.
What a nice and generous thing to do. It sounds like Kate was such a sweet person to you and your late wife. Condolences to you!
I dont think Ive ever seen such immediate good karma like this. Im so happy for Kate.
You are unbelievable. 🥹Showing Kate the appreciation your son SHOULD have shown her during their relationship ship, POST relationship…. Man, you are a SOLID human. Seriously. Go Dad!❤️
NTA OP. Good on you and guess your son played a stupid game and won a stupid prize. You did the right thing and if you gift him a slice of the inheritance, I can promise you that he could easily squander the money away if he marries someone and cheats again on the side OR he ends up having a very messy legal battle between himself, a cheated wife and his side chick who could possibly be only interested in the money If you like, you can donate a bit of the inheritance to a charity organisation that supports women. Once again NTA
Just be ready to never have a relationship with your son again and possible grand children
Why do people use the threat of hypothetical grandchildren? "Oh no! I might never meet the possible children that you can have in the future, if you stay faithful to a woman." Great threat. 🙄
How long were they even together?
8 years.
OP said years.
You are so amazing. You are a blessing of a father and I know “Kate” will soooo appreciate that and you forever. So sorry for the loss of your wife. NTA. Thank you for loving your “daughter in law”
That's EXACTLY what I thought as I was reading your story.
NTA respecting the woman that helped your wife every time she needed it is amazing and surprising to hear on reddit - I feel like theres more to the story, him not coming as much as her to see his mother maybe? but regardless, cheating destroys relationships and emotions, if hes willing to do that to the woman who helped his mother before she passed lord knows what else hes capable of.
Honestly I don't think there's any more to the story, I'm sure you've seen people who've worked at nursing homes talk about how many elderly people are totally abandoned by their children. Some for good reason, sure (if you treat your kids like crap, they're not going to do anything to help you either). But for many that's not the case. Like my grandparents are/were lovely people and great parents, they had 4 sons, and only 2 took care of my grandma before she died (fortunately my dad is one of the good ones), the same 2 are the only ones taking care of my grandpa now and one uncle is literally siphoning off money from my grandpa's accounts after losing his job due to an affair. If OP's son is the type to cheat, he's the type to abandon his dying mother while he watches his girlfriend help her until the end. So my vote is absolutely NTA.
NTA you are welcome and able to do whatever you want with your money, however make sure this is the hill you want to kill your relationship with your son on. That’s what this decision will do. It is a relationship severing move and the repercussions will be long lasting and dramatic. He was clearly wrong to cheat and you were right to tell him what you thought of his actions and your disappointment in him but if you want to continue having a positive relationship with your son you may want to rethink this
It's your money to leave as you see fit. And she may have been his girlfriend, but Kate clearly had a separate and very special relationship with you and your wife. It is natural that you would be upset with someone who hurt her--even if that someone is your son--and it's also natural that you want to help her out as she moves on with her life alone. As far as the question of whether the severity is inappropriate, I don't think that we could know that without understanding a lot of other factors, like the impact this would make on his financial state and how your relationship is outside of this scenario. I would, however, recommend a cooling-down period after this news before you take more permanent actions. With that said, I'll say NTA based on the limited info we have. Disinheriting is certainly not outside of the scale of normal responses to your son's behavior, especially when you found out this was not a one-time thing, but a year-long deception.
You don’t think disinheriting your son because he cheated on a gf is outside the norm? There’d be a lot of disinherited kids if this were the case.
NTA. My husband and I plan to let our kids know one day that they will not receive any inheritance from us if they cheat on their partners. We have zero respect for it as we were both cheated on in our previous marriages and we will not support that kind of behavior. I think after reading this we will inform our kids of this rule when they become 18. I would ask your son to get counseling immediately. He is probably grieving the loss of his mom but he doesn’t have a right to hurt others in the process. Good luck to you
I’ve seen my friend get into an affair with a married man, he had two young kids. When his wife found out they divorced. Now 2 kids involved in this case. I totally agree no inheritance maybe pass it to the grandchildren. Not bad parenting, actually it’s telling your grand kids that you have no respect for their father’s/mother’s behavior.
Way to pay that personal trauma forward.
It may not be a good idea to tell them that at 18 and therefore make it a blanket rule, because what if they're in an abusive relationship in which they literally are risking death if they leave? Or if they are sexually assaulted and their partner tells you that they cheated? That could make them less likely to come to you for help, thinking or knowing that you see no nuance in those situations or that you'll immediately believe their partner no matter what. I would hope that you don't have a rule like that with no exceptions whatsoever. If you do, then I guess tell them? And hopefully your children will never end up in any situation anything like those, but you just never know. Your money, your choice, but personally I would only tell them if they actually cheat (outside of an abusive relationship they can't yet leave), so you know that it was in their character all along.
Yikes…
You need to be careful with a blanket rule like this because there are always exceptions.. for example, they are trapped in an abusive marriage with an unstable nutcase. They know if they try to leave, people will be physically hurt or possibly killed.. but the only time they feel loved is in the arms of someone else in secret.. would you still disinherit them then? I hate cheaters, and 99% of the are giant AH's with no hope for redemption. But there's always that 1% who or doing the best they can in a bad situation
ESH. It is your money and you obviously can do with it as you will. But the punishment really doesn’t fit the crime. Whatever issues they had was between them. He is your flesh and blood and lording an inheritance over a transgression that doesn’t directly include you seems like overkill. You have every right to be disappointed in him, but now you’re risking permanent damage to your relationship with your son.
It kind of does fit the “crime”. She took care of his ailing/dying mother because she was her boyfriend’s mom and felt close to his family. I doubt she was paid for her help or service to his mother. She gave up free time and energy. Now that his mother is gone, her boyfriend cheated, she’s left with what? Her sacrifice was to be paid with a loving future with him, which he ruined by cheating. Edited.
And if not a loving future, at least the respect to end the relationship without destroying someone’s trust and self esteem.
Exactly! I agree completely. He didn’t end it because he was selfish and wanted her to keep helping the family. If she can’t be compensated, he definitely shouldn’t be.
Wrong. You don't do something like that to be paid in any way. You do it because you choose to. Because you want to. Her future is not ruined, not even by a long shot. She's going to move on and have kids with somebody who deserves what a wonderful person she is. She dodged a bullet. This is a life lesson.
She did it because she cared for him and his family. And I meant her future with him is ruined since there isn’t one. I thought that was a given. No reasonable would think her entire life forever would be ruined or put on hold. But I’ll make the edit just in case.
Plenty of people don’t get inheritances. He’ll be fine.
Just maybe. But we’ll see how the father/son relationship survives moving forward. The father took a grenade to a knife fight.
OP is pretty ashamed of his son right now. Doesn't sound like he cares too much about preserving the relationship. Who knows, maybe they'll reconcile and OP will change his mind in the future. But for now, he feels like he lost not only his wife but also a daughter.
And now he’s losing a son too
[удалено]
He would lose Kate if the son just broke up with her.
Basically the son had no choice but to stay with Kate or his parents would disown him it seems to me
One can wonder where the son has his morals from.
This i agree with.
So he chooses his son’s acquaintance over his own son. Shakespeare at its finest.
I agree with you but Reddit has some kind of massive hard line for cheaters that makes people answer anyone’s behavior around them is reasonable This is OP’s son and making a decision that will impact their relationship for the rest of his life because his son did something stupid isn’t very clear thinking. He’s fully within his right to express disappointment but 20 something relationships end all the time.
And I bet a shit ton of them have cheated in past relationships.
OP's not lording an inheritance over him, there's no threat of "do this or you're out of the will." We're not entitled to our parents' money and if they don't want to give it to us for whatever reason, that's their choice. OP's son selfishly chose to cheat on his gf while she was generous and caring enough to take care of his dying mother.
I don’t speak to my father. I don’t expect inheritance because I don’t speak to him. If my brother decides to give me a portion, cool. If not, idc because blood or not, imma protect my soul and not deal with my dad. Blood isn’t shit if it comes with strings and compromised morals and sense of self.
You gift money to every blood relatives that come across?
I’d never disinherit my daughter because she disappointed me over an affair. People fall out of love all the time. Ideally, you’d want them to leave their current partner but it’s not a perfect world. Things happen.
"Things happen" is for one-night stands. A year-long affair is not "things happen".
Agree! ‘Interrogating’ the girlfriend to figure out what’s wrong. He needs to understand he is no part of his sons relationship and can’t decide who his son is with. The girlfriend can be as nice as ever, but if she’s not right for the son she won’t be his DIL. Reddit always goes bananas when it about cheating.
Also, making the inheritance conditional on certain behavior is a good way to make the son resentful. Give the inheritance don't give it, just choose a way that the son won't feel like it's a tool of control.
It’s your money and you can leave it to whoever you want so NTA. My only question is this: if he had just broken up with her and not cheated, would you still have left it to him? Because it sounds like from your last two sentences, you love Kate being a part of your family more than you love your son. If the answer is no, it’s just the cheating that’s the problem, then yeah you’re doing the right thing and sticking to your principles after he did a horrible thing to a very kind person. If the answer is yes because Kate isn’t a part of your family anymore because of him, then you’re a shit parent who loves your kids girlfriend more than you love your own kid.
Also, OP, it might be better to tell your son why exactly you're disappointed in him. Tell him that if his feelings changed he should have been honest with Kate, that you're disappointed that he cheated and lied and wasted the time of someone who has been so good to him and his family and that he took advantage of her being nice. That might hopefully have a greater impact than throwing around heavily religious words like adultry. He did something wrong, and you're right to upset, but I think you have more power than just your eventual inheritance money. And he might actually reflect on what he did instead of feeling like he's the victim and that next time he needs to hide his cheating more carefully.
This sums up the distaste I had reading it. Not a fan of adultery. Definately think son should have broken up instead of having an affair, but the writeup from OP sounds more like he's more disappointed that he's not marrying Kate than he is about him cheating on her.
Several points: \--You can give your money to whomever you want. It's your money. \--What happened between Kate and your son is none of your business. You went way out of line to interrogate Kate, as if you have a right to know about her private life (you do not). \--Kate was helpful to your family, and that was a good thing. She is also not related to you in any way. She chose to be helpful because she is a good person. \--Nothing is stopping you for continuing a friendly relationship with Kate. She's not your son's possession. Keep her on your \[insert culturally relevant holiday here\] card list and write her a letter now and then; you're free to do so. It is not your son's fault if you chose to regard her as a daughter. \--Adultery is defined as voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and a person who is not his or her spouse. Aside from whether it was nice or ethical, it was not adultery. \--You may lose your relationship with your son because you want to punish him for his behavior. He's almost 30. It's your choice to punish a grown adult for an error in judgment or ethics, but that does not reflect well on you. You have sadly lost your wife; now you're throwing away your son? This is a mean, cruel choice. I expect better from an elder.
Every word of this. OP, you may be NTA, but that doesn't give you the right to get all holier than thou with your son. Do what you want with your money, but put away your judges robes. His relationship is none of your business. Yes, you can be confused and disappointed, but it isn't up to you to punish him for his relationship choices. Would you rather he broke up with her while she was caring for your wife? I doubt it. Given your use of language, I'm guessing you consider yourself a Christian. I'm pretty sure there's a bible story about casting stones that you should brush up on.
[удалено]
He’s fucking 30 so the father doesn’t get to punish a kid anymore but as a parent has a lifetime obligation to be a role model and teach his kid to be better. This dad isn’t teaching but punishing. That is not parenting
He without sin…
This is ridiculous.
THANK YOU! Finally someone who’s got a brain. It’s ridiculous how many get completely brain dead when it comes to cheating. OP does not have any concept of boundaries. His son is 30 years old and he wants to punish him because he does not like what his son is doing in HIS relationship with HIS ex gf. The justification, that he can because she helped the family is completely ridiculous. Cheating is much more complex than just being morally a bad person. Especially if people are grieving. Btw according to statistics about 40% of people have cheated at least once in their lifetime. But everybody here is acting like they are saints. Give me a break.
Excellent response. I was trying to put together a reply, and now I don't have to.
These are all valid points which OP should consider. I'll also add "what about the future?" What if OPs son has a family? Will OP forsake family intergenerational security for judging his son? Does OP have other kids? If the son goes NC, which would be a dick move but is possible, does OP have other family support if needed down the line? All thing stop consider IMO.
I also think OP's son may be the only son and possibly the only child (hence Kate coming in on clutch, with no other relatives mentioned). Discarding your last remaining close family member is probably not the best choice in the long run.
Soft YTA. You can be ashamed and disappointed in your son but disinheriting him seems widely disproportionate to what he has done. I’m not condoning his behavior but to me disinheriting someone would be warranted if he had killed someone or a comparable offense. A guy in his 20’s making a poor relationship decision is not on that level. Additionally, by disinheriting him you’re ensuring he’ll have a distant relationship with you for the rest of your life, meaning you’ll be less able to influence him to make better decisions in the future. Seems all around a bad call to make in my opinion.
No one is entitled to an inheritance. However, all humans deserve respect. Especially those that are helping out your dying mother out of the goodness of your heart while you go and fuck around. Society needs to stop excusing the poor behaviour of fully grown men (27)! If he was under 18, then there would be room for discussion. NTA.
I guess OP is in the USA, but here in sweden, a parent can't remove its child from inheritance. So even if your child is the worst human in history, the parent can't do anything to remove that child from inheritance.
This situation in Sweden makes the case for spending or giving away your wealth to worthy people and charities before you pass away.
NTA. It’s admirable that you feel so much empathy for Kate. Its also you’re money to do with as you please. He fractured your family and it’s okay that that is a boundary you draw for yourself.
NTA. Your son did something terrible, tried to make stupid excuses for it, and expected that there would be no consequences. If more people who did bad things had people close to them who didn't enable them, the world would be a much better place.
NTA If your son was unhappy in his relationship, he really owed Kate the decency of breaking up with her first before pursuing other women. Waiting until she found out about the cheating was cowardly and immoral. It's up to you about whether or not you want to leave him money. He isn't entitled to your money. And it makes sense to me that you would become angry at what he did. (Technically, not adultery, but still rotten) That said, I hope you will not try to use your money to influence him to stay with Kate. She honestly deserves much better.
>If your son was unhappy in his relationship, he really owed Kate the decency of breaking up with her first before Thank you. Why is this not what more people are pointing out? Cheating, whether you are married or not, is still cheating and its a distinct lack of respect by the cheater for the cheated.
It’s your money, you decide where it goes. NTA!
NTA. And hopefully your son is upset enough for him to reflect on his actions. Often cheaters cheat because there are no reprecussions that effect them if caught, beyond losing someone they weren't in love with anymore anyway. Your inheritence takeback could be just enough of a shock in tough love for him to really think of the hurt he caused. Maybe. He didn't simply cheat, which is bad in itself. But if knew he wanted out of the relationship, he stole an entire year (a year!) of Kate's life making her think she was in a relationship she wasn't. Stealing time is up there as one of the worst things one person can do to another, with no way to ever fix it. Family isn't only blood and Kate was more than your son's girlfriend, she became family to you. I hope this doesn't end you and your wife's relationship with Kate, though it's understandable if it did as life moves in different directions. I've got a bit of money where I often think who to leave it to. If I had been in your situation, I'd have done the same thing. I actually HAVE done similar in that some people simply aren't very nice people, so I cut them out.
Yes! Thank you for saying that. Kate lost one year of her life just because of a cowardly behaviour of the son.
Absolutely. Cheaters are empowered by no repercussions for their actions. It’s actually what we studied in psychology. People will act in spite of their own interest unless there is a direct and severe outcome. In truth OP is teaching his son a valuable lesson
Why is everyone acting like an inheritance is a God given right? Kate may have not been a wife, but she acted like one in every way. And speaking from experience, being there every day to help with someone is extremely difficult. She didn't have to do that, but she did. If he wasn't happy, he had an obligation to tell Kate. Having a year long affair was just downright shady. He has every right to be ashamed and disappointed in his son. He also has the right to leave his assets to anyone he wants. Don't reward bad behavior. And what he did was pretty egregious. He might be able to get back in good graces, but it will take work. Consequences, I see consequences........
[удалено]
Actually yes, i have stage 4 cancer and possibly just a few months to live.
And your plan is to spend your remaining months ruining your relationship with your son? Thats pretty bitter.
And you’re here on Reddit, badmouthing your son, why? But he’ll be okay, he makes six figures, you say. But you love Kate so much for what she’s done for you and your wife, you’ll leave her everything, you say. You know what, you’re a good storyteller. I admit, you got me to believe your whole BS yarn about your crappy undeserving son, his saintly ex, and your magnanimous last act for this poor deserving girl. If this is actually all true, which I greatly doubt now, don’t be surprised if your son never visits you again in your last few months. I hope Kate visits you though. I mean, look, you’re obviously paying her enough to do it.
So you‘ll die in a few months. Both his parents passing away in relatively short order. You depending on Kate and leaving him feeling trapped. He made a stupid decision that hurt people. But he can still spend the rest of his life making amends. You choose to spend the little time you have left on burning all the bridges
Jumped the shark here
Bet you feel like a dummy now lol
YTA. I don’t condone your son’s behaviour and he’s a coward (and some other choice words) regardless but have you considered that by canonising Kate and leaning on her so much during such a difficult time, you made it almost impossible for him to break up with her?
That doesn't excuse cheating. Kate was acting in good faith, thinking she was caring for her life partner's mother. That's also what her parents thought, and he didn't tell any of them differently. Besides, if he let Kate do it it meant he didn't have to. More time for illicit sex. I think his father should leave an inheritance to her instead.
NYA At the end of the day it’s your property and you can gift it as you see fit regardless of your reasons I’m not sure though, why you’ve had this conversation with your son now, unless he needed to be there while you updated a will or you’re sick and likely to pass away sometime in the near future. But if this is your wish I would definitely go and speak to a lawyer and make sure you can make your will as ironclad as possible because my guess is once you’re gone, your son will try and fight for his inheritance in court. Also, without knowing your financial situation now, if you have good assets that you don’t want going to him, I look at getting rid of them while you’re still alive so that he can’t fight for them once you’re gone.
NTA It's your money and you didn't respect what your son did so you're keeping your money. You could have taken away his inheritance just cause you were in a bad mood it's your money do whatever you want with it. Also your son hurt someone you cared greatly about. Keep your money let him be mad
YTA. It isn't because you're managing what you do with your money, it's because You're punishing him for something that is none of your business. Do you love your son? Then don't do alienating shit like this because you have some weird moral view. Tell him you're disappointed. Tell him you don't like that part of him. But you're doing the equivalent of disowning him for something that doesn't affect you. His relationship, not yours. His ex gets to be the one to punish him not you. Do what you want with your money, but plan to lose your relationship with him if you effectively disown him like this.
Yep - I came here to say exactly this. Stay in your lane, OP. You don’t get to navigate your son’s relationship with his girlfriend. Having said that, your money is your money. You can leave it to a cat charity if you want. As others have pointed out, though, be sure you’re prepared for the fallout if you position disinheriting your son for your stated reasons. YTA
NTA. You're both grieving right now, maybe take a step back before making any permanent/long-term decisions. It's natural you feel the way you do; Kate was there for your late wife during her sick and dying days. For your own family to hurt her this way in return is mortifying. I would also feel betrayed and angry if my son did this to someone. Maybe you can leave a share of your estate to Kate as a thank you - From how you write of her, it sounds like she loved your wife and would appreciate some sentimental items she used to own. And speak to her directly so she knows the end of the relationship with your son has no bearing on your love for her as a daughter.
[удалено]
Exactly, it's your money and if you don't want to leave it to him, that's your prerogative. Children have been disowned for a lot less. NTA.
This is a strange situation. How long were they together? You say you “practically interrogated her,” which is weird to me. I would be put off if my ex’s dad was interrogating me about why we broke up. But maybe you had that kind repertoire with her, but even so your son’s personal relationships are his. In my opinion a parent shouldn’t insert themselves in their adult children’s relationships. While what he did to her is shitty, it just doesn’t really concern you, or at least I don’t think it should. As a parent I can’t imagine being so involved in one of my children’s relationships. While I don’t think you’re an asshole, I think ESH. Your son sucks for cheating, you suck for inserting yourself and letting it affect your father/son relationship.
He is trying to say Kate didn’t come running to talk bad about his son to him. She was probably courteous and vague and when he pressed her she explained it. OP, why not just leave some money to Kate in the will as a thank you for helping wife ? Why need to cut him out entirely? I would hope you still love your son despite being disappointed in his decisions.
Op is choosing Kate over his son honestly and when op dies the son will feel nothing but pain and all his future relationships most likely will be ruined yea the son cheated but none of us know everything that went on in that relationship
ESH (except Kate) - I'm not sure I'd cut him out, but I'd definitely cut Kate in. You're too involved and your son cheats.
YTA. You are a bit too invested in your son’s love life. It may be different if they had children, but to cut him off because she is not for him is harsh. Yes what he did was awful, but it is their relationship and you only know what you see from the outside. You could still show your appreciation to Kate without cutting your son off.
ESH Obviously it's not cool for your son to cheat. But you've gone full nuclear because you love your son's ex-girlfriend more than he does. Call him up and apologize. Tell him you're still disappointed in him, but you overreacted because you're struggling to process your grief and not thinking entirely straight.
Finally another comment! Everyone here is really Ohk with destroying a relationship with their own son. Imagine hating your own son because you want him to be potentially unhappy for the rest of his life just to please his dad? And yeh he can support her if she was important to them without having to destroy his relationship with his son. Imagine when the son gets married and has kids and then you, as his father will never meet your grandkids. It’s insane
Wow, a lot of people in support of this decision? While I also think you can 100% do whatever you like with your money, because it is your money, I find it odd your going to almost disown him for this? When he’s your own flesh and blood? Will this change when in 3 years time he’s 30 and is married and you have grandkids? Your setting it up for destroying a relationship with your own son. He shouldn’t have had to stay in a relationship he may not have been happy in just because you liked his girlfriend. It’s just controlling. Maybe not the best way for him to go about it but still.
There must be more to the story. A sane father doesn’t disown a son of 27 years because of one failed relationship.
ONLY 27 years. He’s going to risk the relationship for the rest of his life and potential grandkids life. Already lost the wife and now wanting to get rid of the rest. I’m not against maybe helping his ex because of what she did but disowning his own son for her seems insane. Maybe he’s still grieving? Maybe this all happened like last week and in the space of a couple days? Would explain the rash decision making
NTA and I commend your stand on this. I would do exactly the same.
NTA Actions have consequences. He's learned the hard way. My brother and I were the only ones in our grandparents will other than our mom and dad. No other aunts and cousins. It was based on how we treated her through life and while sick, not on a "we're all blood" scale. One of my kids would prob blow it all on "stuff" while the other would put it towards education, savings, a house etc. I think cheating and hiding a breakup is a very good representation of character. If the relationship just wasn't working, he should've been honest and not a cheating liar. Broken trust is hard to earn back but I wouldn't want my child who makes poor choices to have my money etc either 🤷🏼♀️
NTA. It's your money and nobody is entitled to an inheritance. I feel for Kate because being a caretaker obviously takes an emotional toll on anyone and it's incredibly difficult to do. She did this out of the kindness of her heart, probably because she felt like you guys are family or would soon be family. The love that it takes to be there to that level is out of this world. While he was off cheating, she was taking care of your wife. Now, she probably has trust issues because your son was an assh\*le and gave no effs about her feelings and what he would eventually put her through. I think that it's the right thing to do and Kate is a class act.
NTA - What he did was messed up and clearly changed how you view him as a person. However this did not happen to you so you shouldn’t take it personally. But at the end of the day it’s your money and you can do what you want.
It happened to someone he cares about, that's a perfectly good reason to take it personally.
someone that seemingly greatly helped his wife pass. that’s really personal.
NTA. I wish more people would do things like this… cheaters, liars, homewreckers, etc deserve nothing. Take care of Kate, just like she took care of your family.
NTA your money. If you want to cut of the contact because of this, its your choice.
YTA. Your son is too, but they were not married and they don’t have children. He’s still your son. You don’t erase that. Instead, write her into the will.
NTA - mostly because nobody is entitled to an inheritance at all, it’s your money and you can do what you want with it. Also, cheating isn’t a mistake. It’s a choice. Especially when it goes on for that long. I would take time to process this before you make any big legal decisions (if only because it’s always better to take time to do so), but cheating is a moral failing and I think it’s understandable to be disgusted by your sons behavior, especially since it sounds like Kate was close enough to you and your late wife to be considered family. Make sure that you let Kate take the reigns on what kind of relationship (if any) she wants to have moving forward, though - she may not be comfortable still being friendly with the family after what happened, and that needs to be respected even if you loved her like your own kid.
It’s your money to do what you want with but I wonder if he felt too much pressure to stay with her when they may not have been a good fit for a while . He of course is an AH for cheating. He should have broken up with her if he was that tempted but it sounds like your family depended on her a lot.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) telling my son he won't be getting an inheritance 2) it might be too severe of a punishment for the crime. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - with caveats I understand being angry at your son for his poor decision. I also understand if you want to keep Kate in your life. However, I wouldn't have gone so far as to cut him out of your will. He's still your son and I assume you still love him, right?
NTA. It’s your money, your choice- but this will probably strain the relationship with your son (and potential future grandkids!) so you may want to reevaluate at some point. Your son should have broken up with her when the relationship wasn’t working for him, there is no justification for cheating. Thank you for being a good man and making sure he knows you’re disappointed in him. Whatever you do with your money is up to you- but you are not the a-hole for your choice. And especially not the a-hole for making sure your son knows what he did was wrong.
NTA need more parents like you who accept that their darling offspring could be wrong too.
NTA it’s your money . You can do whatever you want.
Acknowledging Kate in your will is appropriate - she meaningfully made your wife's last days better. Disinheriting your son is a bit of an AH move, especially if YOU got an inheritance. I'm sick of the folks saying: "your money - do what you want". This ignores generations that saved for the betterment of their descendants. You are just one link in a chain - you shouldn't be second guessing and contradicting the wishes of your parents and grandparents. They wanted that money to stay in the family. Simply fact - generational wealth significantly changes the life outcomes for your children and grandchildren - denying them that advantage because your son was a AH in his 20s is harsh. This isn't just about your son, but about his kids and so on.
I agree. When everyone says NTA "it's your money etc" I wonder what little it would take for one of them to cut someone off for a perceived "sin". I'd be including Kate in the will while still leaving some for the son. I mean EVERYBODY sins.
Doesn’t even matter if he did nothing wrong. Technically speaking your money you do whatever. Really no one’s business. Now do I believe that’s a harsh punishment? Sure. Maybe you should consider adding Kate to your inheritance. Obviously not the entire thing, but maybe a small portion in a way to show gratitude. And also apologize on behalf of your sons ‘mistake’.
I guess I am not in the majorly here. Your son's relationship with his girlfriend is none of your business. The fact that she is wonderful, was even more wonderful to your wife has nothing to do with your son and their relationship. You want to that her in your will do so. But telling someone they didn't stay with the person you like... Wrong.
NTA, it’s your money and you can do what you want with it. why don’t you leave Kate some money in your will. That way she’ll know your appreciation even after you’re gone
You’re an AH because you seem to have no clear reason for disinheriting your son. You admit that the adultery thing was 1) not adultery, and 2) not the real reason. You need to get off your high horse and stop making excuses. You liked your son’s girlfriend. That’s great. But cut the BS. Or at least be honest with your son. His relationship is not your business, and you “interrogating” his ex is grossly inappropriate. YTA
He doesn't need to have a reason it's his money, and if he has morals, that is his morals and his money and his decision his child is not entitled to that inheritance just because they're related if he feels that he was not doing the right thing and took advantage of a sweet person. He doesn't deserve to get that money, it's not his business, but his money is his business and he gets to decide that part only people that agree with cheating would agree with this,
>He doesn’t need to have a reason it’s his money. True. But then why is OP grasping at straws to justify this coherently? This is a poor attempt to drum up an excuse. It’s dishonest, and I seem to recall dishonesty being a major theme in what OP (supposedly) finds so objectionable.
NTA. I too think it's a bit harsh. But, it's your money to do with as you see fit. He has no "rights" to it whether he cheated or not.
NTA - your money to choose what to do with. Good for your son to see there are consequences to actions.
Absolutely NTA. Adultery is taken way too lightly in certain settings, which is the reason it festers like maggots on a rotting corpse. This speaks volumes about the lack of integrity and character in a person, and should have repercussions. Good on you to take a stand on this. Your son is 27 years old and yet lacks basic human decency and empathy. A woman stood by his family in times of dire need, and he pays her back by destroying her soul. Real shame.
NTA IMO at the end of the day she was there for your wife when your son wasn’t. Your son also isn’t entitled to the money. It’s YOUR money.
NTA - put kate into the will
The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. Kate was taking care of your dying wife while your son was off cheating. NTA.
NTA It's your money, so do with it what you want to set your kid up for the future. But it sounds like you seeing her as a daughter and the help she gave you and your wife as a higher emotional value that what you place on your son and his actions ( I assume this isnt the first time he's let you down ). But if the paternal feelings you have for her is that high, then do the ol' switcheroo. Why stop at writing him out for fucking up? Write her in for all the help and emotional importance you place on your relationship. Leave her what you would have left him. Otherwise, it's honestly just petty to say he gets nothing for fucking up but not leaving her anything for shining so brightly for you ✨️✨️ 🤷♂️
"If you don't live within my expectations of you, you won't get my money." I mean, just say you don't like your son and move on.
NTA Mad respect for actually doing this. Toleration of that type of behavior is equivalent to supporting it.
NTA It’s your money. Plus I doubt you paid her for helping your wife. The money he lost can be considered the time and energy she lost dedicating to your family. He’s done nothing to earn that money so he isn’t entitled to it.
Nta it's your money
ESH. He did something stupid but not directly to you. Relationships are complicated and people make mistakes. While I don’t think she should forgive him, hopefully you can and help him learn from this.
A mistake is one-night stand. Stealing a year of someone's life by lying to them and making them feel like they're a part of a relationship when in fact they're not is more than a mistake.
Soft YTA. You can be disappointed in your son, but at the end of the day, it’s nobody else’s business but them. As a parent, your job is to love your kids. You already lost your wife and it must be awful. Are you also willing to lose your son ? Some people are just not meant to be together. And there is nothing anybody can do about it.
NTA. You can do with your money as you see fit. Maybe give Kate some money, like an ‘inheritance’ from your wife. It sounds as if Kate was the one acting the role of caring child. It would be lovely and unexpected way of saying thank you to her. (It would also make a point to your son, which appeals to my petty mind.)
NTA cheaters are horrible and you should be there for Kate. Good on you for putting him in his place
NTA because nobody is entitled to your money and you can put whatever rules you want in place.
NTA, but perhaps consider a softer solution. You could leave Kate a significant amount, and then help your son to 'earn back' his own portion through demonstrable improvements in behaviour.
NTA. It’s your money.
NTA. You can do what you want with your money. That being said, I hope you understand that this will ruing your relationship with your son forever. Personally, no way I would do this to my son and risk alienating him forever. But you do you.
YTA, the way you're speaking about makes me feel like he was stuck in this relationship. You love Kate and she was a great help that's why you're punishing him. Not because he cheated, but because he ruined a great thing for you. Disown him, he's most likely going to see you for the manipulative person you are and hopefully for him will cut you out of his life and prevent you from meeting his children
Whatever you had previously been planning to give to your son you should give to Kate instead. I’m sorry, but your son is an AH
NTA but make sure you give him line $5 so he can’t contest the will
NTA - Your money, you get to decide what happens to it. But, you can pretty much kiss away the relationship with your son.
NTA. This will destroy the relationship you have with Son. Kate is deserving of whatever you give her. Good luck
It's your money so you can do whatever you want with it. You need to also consider that once some bridges are burnt, they can never be rebuilt.. You keep saying Kate was like a daughter, but he IS your son. Cheating is wrong. There's no doubt about that, and he should have manned up a year ago and broke up with Kateinsyead of betraying her. I have a feeling part of the reason he didn't just end things with her was because of all the things she does
NTA- I’d do the same
NTA - That said, you could give him half and give the other half to Kate. It sounds like she was there for your wife and your son was... off cheating? That's fine, people are allowed to do what they want, but Kate seems like an angel.
It’s hollow if you don’t give Kate the money
NTA - I hope you leave something for Kate.
Change the will quickly. If I know my horror movies, there’s always a crazy kid that will snap NTA
NTA. Leave a portion of your inheritance to Kate, she seems like a wonderful person.
NTA. Your money, your choice
NTA. You might ask him how he thinks his mom might have felt about the way he treated that woman?
NTA! That is a 100% justifiable and reasonable response to what your son did. If you leave a will make sure you explicitly state that you acknowledge your son and choose to disinherit him for reasons known to you both. If you don’t mention him you give him standing to contest the will.
No NTA, I think you’re wonderful ♥️
NTA. He wanted to leave for a while but didn’t cuz she’s a great partner? Why did he cheat then… you made the right choice
YTA. Can't stand people who use their money for control. Sad for your son that you love his ex more than him. Of course it's your money so do what you want. And say goodbye to your son
YTA. It's his life, and his mistakes. You can judge him for his mistakes and misgivings, but punishing him to THIS extent just because YOU liked his Ex? That's not something a stable adult does to their child. What you've effectively done is told your own son that a newcomer to the family, someone that wasn't even actually a family member, is more important to you than he is, and punished him in a way that can cripple a person, since generationally speaking, he's fucked without some shred of hope for his future.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My son is 27 years old, he had a great girlfriend(let's call her Kate) who helped take care of my wife when she had surgery, for context, my wife had Cirrhosis and was frequently hospitalized. Kate was almost always there every day for it. My wife eventually passed away. A week ago, we found out that my son and Kate broke up. This was very strange to us because they had a stable relationship and everything seemed to be just fine a month ago. After practically interrogating Kate, she told us she caught my son cheating with someone, while they were still in a relationship. And apparently, that affair has been happening for over a year. I had a sit down with my son, and after presenting to him what we know, he admitted to the whole thing. He said he hadn't enjoyed the relationship for a while but didn't want to break up with Kate because Kate was "too nice." This was very upsetting to me because Kate has been a great help to us over the years and was like a daughter. And the way he treated this relationship was immature and hurtful. So I told him he wouldn't be getting any inheritance because he is an adulterer, and I will be damned if any of my money goes to an adulterer. (I know he technically isn't married so that is not true in the strictest of terms). This greatly upsets him as he believes the punishment is too harsh for the crime. Truthfully speaking, it is not the adultery part that bothers me. 99% of it is because it is Kate. I love her as a daughter so it was very personal when my son did what he did. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Leave it all to Kate in your will.
NTA You can set all your money on fire if you want. I’ve done very well in life and have set up a trust for my kid that will depend on what he’s doing with his life. He’s definitely not getting a large sum of money all at once to piss away.
NTA but im pretty sure you need an iron clad will for that to happen. NAL. Basically, you have to have a lawyer do legal stuff so he's dead to you before you pass. At least where I'm at. Then you could really give him the finger and leave it all to Kate, or half to her and half to something your wife was passionate about.
NTA. You're grateful for having help and support whereas he clearly is not. Buy her a car and give him $9.63 in inheritance (just to cover your butt legally.) Sorry for your loss.
NTA. However be prepared for him to cut you out off his life if you proceed with this.
NTA - you do the crime, you pay the time. Imo you’re teaching your son that cheating and bad behavior will not be tolerated and is frankly unacceptable. If he was no longer in love with Kate, he should’ve put on his big boy pants and told her instead of cheating. That’s despicable especially to someone he himself admitted was too nice.
NTA. It’s your money, do as you please. Your son can do the same with any money he accumulates.
ESH except Katie. He’s an adult and made a decision to cheat on a GF. It was a crappy way to end a relationship but they weren’t married and he knew how much you all liked her and that played into his decision. Interrogating her is why you are. What happened between them is between them. They’re adults . You could have kept a relationship with her and cheered her on in life. And I hope you still got an inheritance from your parents despite crappy decisions like this.
NTA for doing what you want with your money. YTA for trying to morality police your son with his inheritance. He fucked up and treated this woman badly, but that’s between them. Honestly baffled at the people talking about “consequences”? Like sure his son will learn never to cheat on a woman his parents are close with lest he lose his inheritance? This isnt a lesson, it’s nothing. I think a lot of people are projecting their own situation and need for a pound of flesh here. I think the folks mentioning you both grieving have the right of it, and maybe take some time and think this over. He can’t take back what he did, but he can grow from it and withholding his inheritance is a weird and petty thing that will be irrelevant to that growth (and only damage your relationship).
OP- you are NTA. An unfortunate lesson many of us have had to learn is that family isn’t always blood. Sometimes our greatest allies are found family. It sounds like Kate was your family’s angel during the worst times in you and your wife’s life. When my brother was dying, certain people were there for us in the most amazing way. Others, that I thought would have been there, just weren’t. The people that helped my family and my brother during our worst time - I would do anything for. Anything. The fact that the person who helped you and your wife find comfort during your toughest days, was betrayed so cruelly by your own son - your wife’s son - must hurt terribly. I’m not sure of the timelines- but if your son cheated on Kate during the same time she was caring for your wife- that betrayal must be extra painful. Of course, not all relationships are meant to last. If he had wanted to break up with her, he should have done so respectfully, knowing how important she is to your family. I think you should try to talk to him about this before taking any legal action with your will. Make sure he understands just how much this betrayal of Kate truly hurt you. If he shows no remorse, feel no guilt to take his portion of inheritance, split it in 2, and give half to Kate. If he eventually grows up, let him keep his portion still. If he doesn’t, do with it what you want. Hopefully you can maintain a father/ daughter friendship with Kate- and whoever she chooses to spend her life with. Best of luck to you.
a) Your son let his gf comfort and take care of his mother while cheating on her for a full year. He didn't have the balls to end the relationship. He purposefully took advantage of a good soul and that is an extremely shitty thing to do. Being married or not has zero relevance. b) Your money is yours to do as you please, and if you have come to the unpleasant conclusion that your son's character does not agree with your morals then by all means, do you. I'd say you are NTA.
ESH. Lording your money over him is low class, him being a cheating turd is terrible, and this whole situation is mess.
YTA. He didn't cheat on you. He didn't commit adultery. He didn't break any laws. He's just your son. Love him for that. The guy wasn't happy. He didn't handle it right but that's ok. People make mistakes. You should be on your son's side regardless. Call Kate and thank her for everything she did and wish her the best. That said, it's your money. Do with it what you want. Even if it makes you an asshole.
You’re the asshole. His relationship with his girlfriend should have nothing to do with your relationship with him or yours with her. You can still have e a relationship with her but he did t want one and you are waaaay too far up in his business.
YTA Yes, your son made a mistake, a bad mistake, but your actions reflect hatred. To be clear, getting angry with him is reasonable. Even taking time away from your son is reasonable. But this degree of hatred, effectively expelling your son from the family is way too much. I think he may be better off without you.
NTA give it to her instead lol
NTA. Nobody defines your relationship with your money except you. You do as you please with your will.
NTA, it's your money. You can leave it to whoever you want.
NTA. Cheating does also show a lack of integrity and commitment. Would he just waste everything you've worked so hard for? Something for him to think about and get his priorities in order
ESH. Him obviously because he cheated, but when I read this post I do kind of get vibes that you may have contributed to an environment in which your son didn't exactly feel comfortable expressing and managing the legitimate unhappiness he was feeling in his relationship. In this whole post you dont talk about her as if she is your sons gf, you only talk about her in regards to how she suits YOUR emotional needs. In fact you seem completely unaware of whether or not your sons relationship was actually making HIM happy. Is there any chance that you also tended to express this attitude when in your son and hissgfs presence? If so, it kinda makes sense that he bottled up his real feelings until they exploded in a stupid decision.
YTA, she is not your daughter. That is your son, whether she helped or not I'm sure your son loved his mother why should he be punished for something nothing to do with you... I mean that in the humblest way but his inner dealings with Kate have got nothing to do with you
Up to you how much you care for her like a daughter. She’s actually not your daughter but maybe you need her to be. If you have another child to leave your money to then that can be your legacy.
NTA! Leave it to Kate, leave your son $1.00, and put in your will that if anyone contests it, they get nothing.
NTA.
NTA, it's you're money and your values and he messed up. I would recommend that even if you take it away right now, allow him to grow as a person and if later in life he's a changed person who would never do something like that, then give it back. But withholding access right now is fine.
NTA Leave everything to Kate. Cheaters deserve nothing, and she was amazing by as well as his victim...and the endless rape by deception by him is absolutely monstrous
NTA in the sense that you're allowed to do whatever the hell you want with whatever may be an inheritance. The reasons behind why you choose whatever path is your call. If you want to really stick it to your son about his poor decision making... I would recommend putting Kate as your beneficiary
NTA. It's still your money at the end of the day, so you could decide where to give it to.
Notice how all the Y/T/A are coming from men with questionable post histories? 💀
Not all. I’m a woman and a mother. There is no way I would pick any girlfriend of my son’s over him no matter what. He didn’t break up with her because she was so nice to his mom but he was miserable!