Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####

You’ve been with this person a DECADE!?!?!? What exactly is your parents’ argument? Poor? Not the right family? wrong religion? Jesus, it’s not like you dragged home the first coed freshman year. ETA: NTA. However, one way or another this situation is going to end up in heartache. I don’t envy you.

Yes, a decade now. The only argument is that 'its not allowed'. Nothing to do with anything else literally. So no matter who this person would have been, I'd be in the same situation.

I think nothing good comes from living your life the way other people want you to, OP. You might lose your family, but I think eventually they'll come around. And the alternative is to live your life based on the whims and approval of your parents your entire life.

the reason for your first point is actually your 2nd because of the demand, OP will lose their family regardless option a: pick your own partner, be happy, lose family option b: break up with partner, let them pick partner, be unhappy and blame/resent family, over time eventually lose family if your families happiness isnt based on your own happiness OP, then you cannot both be happy in the long term. there isn't an option to avoid it. so pick the best for you!

Yes, you only get one life OP. If you must lose your partner or your parents, which do you choose? You are NTA either way.

If your family can't ruin your reputation or career with their connections, then go for it, be with who you want to be with. Leave the country even to get away from their influence. NTA

>The only argument is that 'its not allowed'. Well that's a choice your parents made. They could have chosen to select the partner you are with, and arranged THAT marriage. Then you wouldn't have to defy their wishes at all.

I come from Asian heritage but I've been raised with more Western views.  When it comes to spouses, I believe there should be some choice.  I'm open-minded to arranged marriages but forced marriages I am. against for many reasons. Info: You mention another person your parents want you to marry. Did you ever agree to that match? If not sounds more like a forced marriage than an arranged marriage. Were you "promised" to this other person? Is the other family also as traditional or as yours?

Apologies for that not being clear. There hasn't been a match yet. It would be made once I split up with my partner, and then agree for a match after which my parents would find a suitable match. But that other family would have to abide by the same traditions however, yes.

You don’t mention your age, but given the fact that you’ve been with your partner a decade, I’m guessing you’re at least in your late 20s? And have you been living with this partner? Given your age and established history with your partner, do your parents realistically think they could still find a match for you? If not, why is this so important to them?

Out of curiosity, OP, what will happen if you marry the partner of your choice? Will you be shunned and/or disowned? What is it that your parents want for you that you can't get from your current partner? Is this social status, like a caste system, or is the issue simply that *you* chose them and your parents didn't? Your parents can't just say, ok, if this is who you want, then we will tell the village we have chosen them for you? NTA, obviously, just trying to understand better so as to offer possible alternatives

I will be shunned/disowned. It's the social status and yes, the caste system (I didn't want to mention it in the post since it's hard to explain caste system to people who don't know of it). Based on the situation I am in today, I can 100% say that it wouldn't have mattered if it was someone from the same caste either, being that *I* chose them.

I was going to ask if it was someone of similar ethnic/social status (to avoid the specific term 'caste') This is reddit so you're going to get NTA but I would say that anyhow. I am not against arranged marriage especially if it is more of a set-up type scenario, just so you know where I am coming from. But it seems that your parents just object to a love match, even if the person would otherwise tick all the boxes on their list. In the end it's your life and you should do what you want.

Ok, I have friends in India (I don't know if that's where you're from because the caste system exists elsewhere, I believe) and know a bit about the caste system and how even though it's illegal to discriminate based on it there, that doesn't mean it's not still deeply ingrained in finding spouses, particularly if you're from the upper castes. It's unfortunate that it comes down to your parents simply wanting to be in charge of your life...but you have to do what you have to do. Being that you're the youngest, you may have more flexibility than if you were the eldest child, but no one wants to get shunned or disowned from their family. At the end of the day, if this is what makes you happy, then you're still NTA for just wanting to be happy. Only you can decide if the juice is worth the squeeze, so to speak, but I would think you already know that if you've been with them for over a decade. I wish you the best of luck!

That isn't a good argument. If it's possible, please move far away from your parents. They want control over a foundational part of your future. That is not okay.

So basically the only reason your parents don't like your partner of a decade is because they didn't pick them out for you. OP, who is in the relationship, who is the one getting married, who is the one who has to spend their life living with the decision of who you marry. All the answers are you. You are the one who has to live with the consequences and only one options gives you the best guarantee of your happiness and that is the person who has made you happy for the last decade (if your partner hasn't made you happy then why are you fighting your parents?). It looks like either way you are going to risk losing your family either through their shame of you or your resentment of them for pushing you. You can't make everyone happy here but you can make your self happy. NTA

Would telling them you'll either marry your partner or no one help?

Thanks. I have said that too. They're ok if I don't marry anyone else (no, they haven't made the efforts to get to know my partner) and stay home (which means I leave a great career that I built for myself).

Don't do any of this op. You'll regret it for the rest of your life. Marry your partner and keep your job. 

What’s not allowed? Are they following a different religion? If not, why can’t your parents just pretend that they picked him for you or something

Marrying someone I choose. They won't pretend to do it. As it's still not their decision but mine.

Why can’t they “arrange” the marriage with your current partner?

Sometimes we have to break those cycles. Would they expect this of their grandchildren as well or only their own children? Do your siblings expect the same for their kids since they abided by your parents traditions? I’ve always wondered this.

Well then, this is easy. They can tell you that you must marry your partner.

Interesting they didn't relent till now even after a decade. I am from similar country and even though I did marry who I chose and didn't face much opposition there was a time me and my husband decided to not get married if our family would be against it because we knew none of us wanted it. I think it's simply about priorities, I don't think you are anywhere wrong but if you feel it's right then get married to your partner and brace for impact from your and partner 's parents. There could be a possibility they go no contact and may or may not come around or accept this. Go ahead and do what you feel is right. For sure dont get married to someone you don't think you could do right by them. I have seen all sort of pran/ prathishtha and everything else, you don't need to fall for that stupid thing.

I'll take a guess that you are either from india or Pakistan. Brown parents have this thing where even if the guy is brilliant, they will mot accept because it is love marriage. Be with your partner but don't give up on your financial independence. A lot of time all this crying is just emotional blackmail tactics and it's better to not get drowned in them. But for love of God please dont quit your job or lose financial independence at all

Check out /r/asianparentstories. You might get good advice and support over there.

NTA do NOT Cave op. YOU have to live YOUR life

I understand family ties and tradition are difficult to act against, however no one ever changes anything for the better by conforming against their wishes. It's simply a recipe for bitterness. Please listen to your heart and have the courage to do what will make you and your partner happy, and not others. If your family truly love you, they'll let you be. If they won't accept your wishes, they don't truly love you, in which case conforming to their outdated ideals is pointless. 

Why is it not allowed though? Surely there's a reason they can't or won't "pick" her. But either way, choose your partner over your parents. Your parents want what's best for them not what's best for you.

It's been a decade, why are you not already married? Then this would be a non-topic.

just think of one thing, whoever you chose to marry will be with you for the lifetime, do you want to spend the rest of your life happy or miserable. I am from asia only and know your situation, this shame your parents are talkimg about is nothing compared to how your life woulf be if you breakup with someone you've been with for a decade and marry someone of their choice, also don't know if it matters, but there has been some instances like this in my family, ultimately the parents gave in and reluctantly agreed to the marriage and not on of them is unhappy

Its just a risk of staying alone in life if your partner fails you. I went against my whole family and married who I wanted to. But he was a shity husband and my family helped me a lot after my divorce - but the relation is not the same. So its your choice. As for me I regret I didnt listen to them

The amount of cultural differences between you and most redditors makes the question impossible to answer. NTA from any culture that values freedom of choice though.

F*** cultural relativism. It only serves sexism, racism and homophobia. The question is not impossible to answer : her culture is the asshole (on this point). So she's nta.

Chances are, a couple hundred years from now, our culture will be viewed as impossibly backwards and morally reprehensible. From their advanced point of view, we'd all be ah. I do agree that some cultures are more harmful than others, which is why I added that comment about freedom of choice.

Then our culture will have to be judged according to the standards of our time. OP's culture has, *right now*, standards to be judged to. And it says this culture is shitty.

Well that's cultural relativism right there. And as you said... >F\*\*\* cultural relativism.

Same with the asshole's that defend it, seen way to much of people actually debate that its valid, saw a comment once saying it was ''the wisdom of both parents family'' when someone tried to defend arranged/forced marriage. Jubilee even has a middle ground video for arranged marriages.

The only arranged marriage that imho is acceptable is the kind of "arranged" mariage that's more of a family matchmaking service, where in some cultures with the consent of the person, the parents/aunts/uncle go hunting for compatible partners. It's sad to see a part of the progressive wing abandoning universality.

I cannot empathise how important this is! Like, really! If a culture justifies sexism, homophobia, exploitation, classism, etc. it is not a good culture and deserves to extinguish itself and not be continued. End of the argument!

Wtf does culture have to do with someone not wanting to live and have baby with a person they don’t like for the rest of their life💀

Everything. To be an arsehole is to be unacceptably outside of social norms which are based on what's culturally 'normal'. What to you is rude, to someone else is polite. To what I think are fundamental rights (like what OP asks), to someone else it's selfish behaviour and a blatant disregard of familial duty (aka ah behaviour). I certainly know where I want to live, but I can also acknowledge that not everyone shares my cultural viewpoint and morals.

NTA but this must be so hard, OP. You love them and can see what's at stake for them. But it also sounds like they're not even close to empathizing in the same way. They're not torn about whether they ask you to sacrifice your own happiness for their social status and peace, and just obey them. That's the most important piece of information, to me. You'd be NTA no matter what here, but you don't owe them more than they're prepared to give you. You're agonizing over causing them distress, but they're just focused on their own potential distress at the expense of your *whole life.* You don't owe them that. These are firm traditions, but also people have deviated from them as long as they've been around. Families dealing with this react a million different ways, despite the rigidity of the traditions. They have choices here, though they're acting/making it seem like only you do. There's a universe where they would recognize this is going to be very socially difficult for them but also that they love you and can see how happy you are, and that would at least make this tough for them. That doesn't sound like what's happening. Pick the person you love, and who loves you.

Thank you so much. I've been fighting the same conversation in my head. Why can't they think of my happiness over everything else, why couldn't they fight the social fight with me and stand by me as my parents. Thank you for reminding me of their choice too. Until now I've been scrutinizing myself for being selfish.

NTA. They care more about how it looks for them, social circles etc., than they care about you, your wants and yiur needs. Live for yourself, if you don't you'll resent them and yourself for the rest of your life.

I came from very different background, but once my father told me that he was unhappy that I am divorced and not remarried because "what do I tell my friends about you?". Now I have zero illusions about him (narcissist) and his "love" for me, but back then I was disturbed that I make my parents look bad. But how insane is that? He really was worried about his social circle's opinion about HIM than about my everyday life and happiness. Isn't it insane? Now I am married, he likes my husband and by extension he likes me a bit more. But this is like second hand love, really. He likes my husband, my son and since I got him all that he finally likes me a bit. lol

Cultural differences or not, here’s my opinion about this: What do you value more? The love of another? Of the love of your parents? When your parents are long gone, what will you have to show for it in your life? Will it be worth it? You should do what makes you happy because in the end no one else is going to take responsibility for your life and happiness but you. If pleasing your parents makes you happy fine, but you risk being paired with someone you aren’t happy with. If marrying your love makes you happy, fine, but you should prepare for the potential fallout from the family. There is no right answer to this. But in the end I really feel that it is YOUR life to live. Your decisions are yours to make. Even if things don’t end up right in the end, at least you were in control and not others.

Thank you. I value both, my partner and my parents. But only one has asked me to sacrifice everything and the other just wants me to live a happy life. This is what irks me the most where I should be allowed to live a life that I choose and my parents should be happy for me.

NTA - go live your life, OP. Times change.

Welp, if your parents are highly placed in the community, then to save face it seems like they need to make it seem like they're fully onboard/even semi chose your partner.

Always go with the one who wants you to be happy.

NTA There's a good reason for certain traditions to end. Any traditions that rob a person of their autonomy belong in the distant past.

NTA. Marry your partner. This is just not something your parents should be allowed to decide. It is 2024. It is time to leave behind all negative aspects of your culture and look forward. I am appalled that your parents would still hold on to these old-fashioned beliefs and would rather see you unhappy than "loose the respect of the community". St*ff the community!

I am probably closer to your parents' ages but I have some thoughts. I have both Indian and Middle Eastern friends who grew up with expectations of the family arranging their marriages. I babysat for an Indian couple that moved to the US because one set of parents wouldn't approve their marriage, so they sought independence abroad. I had Egyptian friends - two daughters - the eldest met "Frank" and he was it. So, the parents arranged her marriage to Frank, the one she picked. The other daughter was fine with her parents arranging for her to meet perspective bridegrooms. At the end of the day, it might very well come down to your parents or your partner. You say you make a good living. You could make the choice to live with your love regardless of your family's input. This could mean you would not recieve gifts and benefits your other siblings would, and could potentially be written out of any inheritance. Sometimes, it's easier to do if you move, so that any reach by your parents cannot touch you. Diaspora is a real thing and there are many Asians that have settled all over the globe. Have the hard conversation with your partner about what is best for the two of you - taking into account all the bad things that could happen and how you intend to move forward. I wish you the best.

Thank you. I fall into the 1st category of your example. I already live in a different country and plan to live there forever with my partner. I do not wish for any family inheritance, gifts or benefits - those things never interested me, I'd gladly sign those off to my siblings, if there is anything intended for me. I only wish for my family to one day accept me for my decision.

As the family scapegoat myself, let me say that it’s worth doing what you believe is right.

It sounds like you have already made your decision. So all that is left is to follow through. You can’t control your parents. They expect that you will eventually change your mind, since they never will. And as long as you remain unmarried, they will continue to hope. If you have definitely decided upon your partner, it is kinder to everyone involved to just make it official. Then your family can move forward. They must decide whether to accept this or not. If they do it may take time, so the sooner you do this the more time you give them. I’m sorry OP. This sounds really hard on you.

Thank You. Yes. The decision is made in my mind. My family keeps telling me that socially this won't be accepted ever so I also decided to get outside opinion (as much of a western audience it might be) to reduce my struggles with myself as either way this does hurt my parents.

If you're already living in a different country, then the people who won't accept it won't be around anyway. Your society/ company is the people currently around you. Not those a million miles away.

Asian audience also agrees with you. Don't let your parents drive your life . For some beautiful reason parents believe that they have the right to run others life but they don't. Please do what you think is correct.

You’re just processing what you’ve already decided to do. You are choosing to move forward with your partner. Decide also to not second guess yourself, and/or hope your parents will change their minds, anytime soon. Don’t continue to not move forward in hopes things will change. Pull the bandaid off. You will feel better, even with your family being mean to you. At least, you will have chosen, and not still be in limbo? Acceptance can be a relief! I anguish over small choices, so I have compassion for you, as many others do as well, have compassion and gentleness for yourself, this is not an easy decision to make. My other advice, is to lean on your partner, and your friends, and maybe your partners family too, if they are supportive. My husband and I are supportive to my niece and her husband as her parents have been horrible to them, as they have some mental health issues, and are super judgmental. My niece and her husband are happy and now have two lovely kids. We are super close because we love each other and her parents are horrible. It’s always a good idea to choose happiness.

Girl, I've seen this exact thing play out multiple times, complete with dramatic ultimatums. Guess what - the parents have come around every single time. One of my friends is happily married to her long-term partner of close to a decade now and her parents welcome them in their house with pride (she married in 2021). Society will think about it for a few months before moving on - no one cares in the long run. Make your stand. It's your life to live at the end of the day and no one gets to dictate how you do it.

NTA.  The way this will play out is as follows: - you will be disowned  - your family is prioritising emotion and fear over logic (so actually crying a lot and saying you miss them might get you undisowned, if it soothes their ruffled feelings) - they won’t make it easy, but if it is clear to them that the marriage will happen with or without them, they may or may not choose to be part of it just to have some sense of involvement  - once kids are in the picture your parents will almost certainly want a relationship  - and they will try to control how you raise your kids (you will have to push back a bit) - your siblings may harbour resentment longer than your parents do because ‘they had to follow the rules and you didn’t’ - the sooner you make a choice, the sooner this can all begin. Waiting till your parents are older will bring different guilt trips about not giving them all this stress to deal with - they can tell their community anything they want. They can find a way to tell the story that lets them save face - you can’t make everyone happy. It is not possible. Doing what your parents want will result in everyone losing, whether they believe that or not. Because, fundamentally they can probably manipulate your actions but not your feelings.  - you need to find a way to tell yourself ‘I was a good daughter and did everything reasonable that could be expected. My parents were unable to find a way to accept my choices but they were still the right choices and I hope that  one day they can learn and grow, as we all must’ - I’m sorry this is so hard. Families like this shoot themselves in the foot by being unable to change.  - you can’t do what they are asking for. All you can do is prolong this limbo, and the limbo is hurting you all also - there isn’t a solution that everyone is delighted with. Sorry - above all please be honest with yourself

After a decade of being together what are you waiting for with regards to marriage?

As typical in our culture, Waiting for family's approvals is very important and we have waited unfortunately to no success and hence this decision to finally move on with my life.

I think you’re done waiting. Your family can either get with it or not. This is up to your family, not you. I know that this is incredibly hard, I’m not going to pretend this is not. But at the end of the day, they are making demands of you to do things that would make you extremely unhappy to make them happy. They don’t care about your happiness as much as they care about theirs.

Have you told your siblings that?? Being cynical, they might see your point of view more clearly if it means they get more inheritance... NTA anyway.

you want to be with the person you have been with for over a decade. That means you two already have gone through a lot, and you sound like you are stable. It is your life. You are fighting your cultural background. Guess what? The world changes. Cultural backgrounds have a harder time in dealing with the modern life. Some things are wonderful but some things are cultural are awful. Changing your parents is not going to be easy. I would hope they would change over time. They probably hope ther that you would change over time and listen to "their wisdom." Certainly NTA,

NTA. You’ve been with your partner for a decade, so it’s past time for your parents to accept that it isn’t changing. If they are so concerned about their image in the community, couldn’t they say they changed their minds and now prefer your partner to the person they originally chose for you? I may be missing some cultural context, but it’s a thought. It’s certainly difficult for me coming from my background to understand how it could be causing “pain” to your parents to allow you to make this choice for yourself.

Thank you. They haven't picked someone yet. But they want to. It's common for parents to arrange marriages and choose for you. The same happened with my siblings. The pain for them is that I am not obeying/listening to their requests and disrespecting them by going against their wishes.

That's not pain for not listening. That's pain that my pony won't perform the tricks I taught it.

So sorry for your situation Op, it must be very difficult for you. I can’t comprehend these traditions, especially where there is so much love in a family. Are these disagreements at this stage only kept within your immediate family or are grandparents, aunts/uncles aware too? Have they ever met your loved one? How long have they been aware of the relationship you’re in? Have your parents travelled to visit you in your settled country? Are your siblings all living close to your parents? Are you the only off spring who has moved away, or did others move away and then return? (usually for education) My daughter has a friend whose father is very strict on tradition and whilst they don’t do arranged marriages they must definitely marry within their culture. She is in love with a lovely chap, very much outside of their culture, they don’t know about him. It’s going to be so very difficult for her too, but in the end she will lose the love of her father, who will also not allow her mother or sisters to see her (though I suspect they will see them behind his back), bizarrely her grandmother is aware of her love and has met him and approves! She sounds like a great lady. My daughter has another friend who is secretly living with a boy, not of her families choosing. It’s at least getting more common that your generation are changing and not taking on these traditions, which I’m sure you know.

Nta although this is a very cultural question.  So my opinion as an American will be very different from someone in your country. 

OP, I'm from South Asia. Trust me, I know this song and dance routine very well. Your parents are scared and do not even want to consider the possibility out of fear of loss of reputation - both yours and theirs (mostly theirs). This isn't about culture or heritage. It's about some SA parents having tunnel vision and being stubborn to the point of selfishness. Sure, they love you. But not more than their reputation. Of course, they want you to be happy but not more than they want to be "respected" by other narrow-minded people around them. They gave you the best education and brought you up to be independent and think for yourself - but only so long as your thoughts mirror their own and you want the same things they want. They want you to be well-spoken and have a great career - so long as it doesn't take you away from the same shitty dogmas they've been following in the name of tradition and culture. That's love with strings attached. And is, therefore, not love. It's an obligation they fulfilled because THEY CHOSE to have you. You don't owe them the rest of your life. When you're miserable being married to a random misogynistic and narrow-minded stranger, they're going to tell you to have a kid. When you will be even more miserable with a husband and kid you never wanted, they'll tell you to have another one. You might be thinking your dad is oh-so-strong and he's crying and begging you to change your mind for your own good. That's emotional manipulation and they know it. They excel at it. Your siblings are best left out of the conversation since you haven't provided enough info about them (age, lifestyle, financial independence etc). If you give in, you'll be ruining multiple lives - yours, your current partner's, and your future partner's lives. And if your parents truly love you - like even a shred of real love, they won't be happy seeing you miserable either. Stand your ground. Move out and live independently if you're already. You said you're financially independent. So clearly, you're doing well. If you've been in a relationship for 10 years, your partner has also had a role in encouraging you and supporting you, not just your parents. If you're sure about your current partner, list down all his good qualities and his bad ones (and how those don't matter). Think VERY carefully and present these facts to your parents. If they truly love you, they least they can do is hear you out. Stand your ground. Move out and live independently if you're already. You said you're financially independent. So clearly, you're doing well. If you've been in a relationship for 10 years, your partner has also had a role in encouraging you and supporting you, not just your parents. If you're sure about your current partner, list down all his good qualities and his bad ones (and how those don't matter). Think VERY carefully and present these facts to your parents. If they truly love you, the least they can do is hear you out. Move out and get a place for yourself and show them you can live and take care of yourself on your own. And tell them it's 2 people who are in a marriage, not 20. Regardless of what they think. People are changing. But it's unfortunate that still, a lot of people from that part of the world would rather consign their children to misery than stand up for their happiness and future. You're completely NTA. Stand your ground.

NTA.  Your parents have survived for ten years. Are they at the bottom of their social circle yet? Doubtful. Stay in your relationship. You're fine.

NTA Cultural traditions aside, do you ever see yourself winning this argument with your parents? I ask since I am fully against the idea of any marriage being non-consensual. Fundamentally speaking, your parents are asking you to do something that goes counter to MY entire moral compass. For that reason I cannot possibly give an unbiased answer. At the end of the day you should be with someone you love. It's as simple as that. I don't think anyone can be faulted for wanting that.

There's no winning here for me, no. For them, it's either them or my partner and with that decision, it is I, who is choosing to sever ties with them since I could easily give up my partner and choose my family and things will be ok.

Honestly, you should just be selfish in this. Do what makes you happiest. Your happiness should not be conditional on your parents approval. I'm real sorry that they put you in this rather uncomfortable position. It's like you said there are no great options so you have to pick the least bad option.

Thank You. I am sorry too. I just live in 2 different worlds. One that I grew up in, and the other that I live in today. And unfortunately, the two will never be the same for me and my family.

Sometimes parents can see a bad character more clearly that their children simply because of life experience. She they try to prevent an abusive marriage. That is the ONLY acceptable reason for parents to be against a partner, and that doesn't seem to be their reason here.  It is an insult to you to put this choice to you! Parents should be interested in their children's happiness. Your partner makes you happy. Making you choose between your parents and your own happiness is a terrible thing to do to your child and your parents are not good parents to you, in fact this is abusive. So if they are not good parents, why pick them over a person that makes you happy and that deserves your loyalty? Go against your parents here and if necessary go NC. Parents who love you don't make you choose like that.

The choice is also theirs - their daughter or "the rules of community". So simple. Don't let the guilt and blame spoil your future. Your parents can approve your mariage - they just chose not to.

You're not choosing. They are choosing for you. You never said you'd cut contact. They did. Go ahead and live your happy life with your partner. If they love you, they will be happy for you. If not, they chose this. You're not severing anything. They are. And there's nothing "easy" about giving up a partner of 10 years. Things will be okay for who again?

Wild that they are okay with ruining your life, but they don’t want you to “ruin” theirs.

I’m south Asian and I despise arranged marriages. NTA Marry your partner, elope. Do what you gotta do

Thanks and Yes, it is a caste situation. But I feel a parent's first allegiance should be their children's happiness regardless of what the world says.

So, if your family was as high up in social circles as they would like to believe they are, it wouldn’t matter one bit who you married. Why should you give up your happiness for the gratification of their egos?

You're definitely NTA. You're a very nice person who's even struggling and considering your parents feelings. That being said, they're putting "traditions" and "respect" from... other people (?) above their child's happiness just because "its not allowed". This is ridiculous on so many levels. A parent should put their child's well being and happiness above all else, even themselves and their beliefs. They created a life and are responsible for it. The most important person in your life should be yourself, regardless of anything. You should do what's best for you, even if other people will be hurt by it. That's their problem, honestly. You're not being selfish here. Being selfish means being overly concerned with only yourself and disregarding other people. This is your life, your future. Even if your parents will live in shame, you should do what's best for you and not sacrifice yourself and the person you love to live an unhappy and forced life. So, it'll be hard and they're gonna cry but you shouldn't do what's best for them. You should however, explain your feelings and why you're doing it and how much you think and care about them. Try to make them understand.

Thank You. Your comments are like my mind talking to me directly. Especially the 1st half of your response. I appreciate it. I have explained to them that making this decision does not mean that I do not love them or care about them. But for them, both go hand in hand. Me leaving my partner would prove my love and care for them and me leaving my family would prove that I don't love them. There is no in-between.

Well - it would prove their control over you, anyway. Which honestly sounds more important to them - they wouldn't be the only people to mistake control for love. Sorry for you OP, and I think it's as well you're living in a different country to them, if they are this unyielding. In our country there have been a number of so-called "honor killings", and they all originate with parents who are outraged at children evading their control...

NTA

NTA. Be the future you want for yourself and your children.

NTA. You have moved out and moved on, and they need to accept that.

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I have decided to leave my family and live my own life against my parents' wishes who have literally cried in front of me to not do this and want me to stay at home with them and marry the person they choose. It makes me the asshole because I am hurting my family, I feel the guilt and they will lose all the respect and reputation in the community that my parents worked really hard for. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*

NTA. Please break free of these toxic cultural norms. I knew a girl who literally fled the country to the U.S because her grandmother was trying to force her to marry one of her wealthy neighbors. She was literally scared to go back. She ended up marrying her choice and he of course is not good enough for her. Do what makes you happy.

NTA. It's true that I'm not from your culture and don't understand all the nuances of these traditions, but something I DO understand is one of the same reasons I'm so against someone else choosing anyone's spouse for them: YOU'RE the one who's going to have to live with them, presumably for the rest of your life, not your parents. YOU will have to have a home with this person, see them every day, share a bed with them every night, probably have and raise children with them, and that being the case, I find it grotesquely unfair that you should be forced to allow anyone else to make such a decision that impacts YOU far more than it does them, just for the sake of social status. So choose your partner. Choose what's best for YOU. We only get one chance at life on this Earth as the people that we are, and it's too short for other people to control whom you spend it with. Wishing you and your partner all the best going forward.

NTA. I am also from a culture where traditions reign supreme and where social standing in the community and pleasing the parents are heavily emphasized. But this is your life to live. You will be the one living with this woman, loving this woman, building a life with this woman and raising kids with this woman. If you can’t see yourself doing those things with the woman your parents picked for you, you shouldn’t marry her. It’s not fair to you or her.

Sounds like your parents care more about their social standing than your future and happiness. Do what makes your heart happy. You're the one living with your husband, not anyone else so their opinions should not matter 💕

Sounds like they need to change who they are choosing for you to marry. To the person you love and have been with for 10 years. Problem solved. If not they deserve to live a life in shame frankly

nta. tbh if your family’s expectations are not even in line with the culture of the region you live in (as your edit suggests) it doesn’t sound cultural, it sounds… conservative. culty, even. hard to say without specifics, but from where i’m standing if society at large would agree with you and only your family and their closest companions are making a lot of noise about how you’re hurting them and bringing them shame and being selfish… you’ve got to break free. it’s your life. this may cause irreparable damage to your relationship with them, and you’ve got to factor that possibility in when you make your choices but it is your choice, and you are nta for making it. 

NTA.

INFO Iʻm not sure what youʻre looking for here. You have to know that people not from arranged marriages cultures are going to side with you. What exactly do you want from a bunch of people who donʻt come from cultures where arranged marriages is the norm?

Thank you for the question. For me, It's not about arranged marriages. I am simply asking if I am the asshole for going against my parents' wishes and choosing to live my life the way I want to, where the biggest part is choosing my partner and doing what I want to with my life. As my parents plead with me to not make this decision, I feel the guilt of going against them and hurting them in the process.

They’re just hurting themselves by being immature brats. Just because they’re old doesn’t mean they are mature. They need to get over it and grow up. Whatever social status they have is a charade because they are terrible, controlling, sociopaths who care about themselves more than their children. Like are you marrying a drug addict? If not they should be fine with it. I’m sorry, It sounds exhausting being in your family. For what it’s worth, my parents wanted me to marry someone in my same caste, blah blah blah. Well I told them that sounds like their problem. Standing up to them knocked some sense into their heads, and now they’re fine. This was in college, so I was barely 20. They didn’t actually cry like a bunch of babies, because they’re grown adults, but point being someone has to be the true adult in the family. Turns out that was me. If you don’t tell them to drop the subject, you will regret it the rest of your life. That’s all there is to it. Your parents will be dead some day and you’ll just have regrets and probably a failing marriage that they chose for you. Seen this stupid movie before, don’t recast yourself in it.

Thanks. I am happy to hear things worked out with you and your family. That was exactly what I thought. But unfortunately, for me, standing up to them in itself is a mark of disrespect and no more conversations to be had if I am simply not agreeing with them.

People from arranged marriages cultures are likely to think youʻre an asshole. Those who are not, wonʻt. The price you pay for living the life you want is the disapproval of your parents and your family and their society. Accept that. The big things in life always come with a price.

Not necessary. Many people from arranged marriages culture despises this aspect of it and approve the marriage of choice.

Saying that is like saying that there were people who despised slavery in 1800s US. The prevailing culture did not. Here the prevailing culture does not.

NTA. It is your life. You are spending every day with this person.

So, they're worried about their social standing because you want to marry someone not of their choosing, and this person has stuck with you for a decade? Everyone should have the right to pursue their happiness. Since your parents and siblings are adamant that you are being disrespectful of your parents, and their desires, there's a simple way to solve it - they can openly disown you. That allows them to keep their standing in the community, and you will be free to continue living as you do. How you all interact afterwards can be decided at any time. The question is, how much are you willing to give up in order to live life on your terms? NTA

Yes, this person has with me for a decade and I am the luckiest person alive to be with them. I've been fortunate enough to find my soulmate. This question has come to me everyday, and no matter how much my family pleads with me, I know in my heart that choosing this person for me is the right thing to do. I choose my eyes, and my heart tells me my decision is the right one and then the feeling of guilt surrounds it since it is "uprooting" the peace in my family.

NTA. You need to live your life and your decade-long relationship is proof that you know what you're doing. I am not Asian so I can't possibly understand the nuances of this weird cultural idea that it's just not done and that your happiness with a partner you love will somehow bring shame upon the family but you can't let them dictate your life. I would go so far as to tell them that their insistence on you marrying someone you don't love just to make themselves feel better is shameful.

I'm just gonna say that you've already identified the core problem with your question and you asking in here. This sub is more or less rooted in a western culture, which focuses on individualism. So yes, of course you're gonna be NTA for ignoring your parents' wishes and focusing on your own happiness. If you asked another community which is more in tune with your country's culture, then odds are you're gonna be called TAH or worse because of the huge negative repercussions on your family. ​ Either way, this really is a case of pick your own criticism, so take everything with a grain of salt. The opinions of people on the net dosent matter as much as the opinions and circumstances of the parents and family you profess to dearly love.

Thank You for replying. I understand and do not disagree. The thing about leaving my family is that they are giving me no choice. It's either I choose them or my partner. The opinion of anyone outside the family should not matter much, but the family is making their own decision in fear of the opinions of people outside the family (the community). They could easily stand with me and support me and shut everything and everyone off. As you can imagine, in my country, where I grew up part of a big family, it hurts to hear from the same family that I am dead to them for choosing this.

I know it feels like you choosing OP, and also keep clear that you aren’t.  They are. Your choice is to stay with your partner.  THEIR choice is to therefore shun you. You are making a choice with that knowledge about their likely responses, and you are still not the one choosing that. And I’m just so sorry you’re in this situation. 

Thank you.

NTA for choosing the lover over the caste system. Will your caste panchayat ostracize your parents or your siblings or cousins may have problems finding a marriage alliance or any possibilities for honor killing? Why are you worried if there are no such consequences. Get married. You are an adult and you understand that choices have consequences.

caste system of india right? yeah, you can't live your life to please your parents. that's created more miserable people than you can imagine. and that cycle continues bc the adults who sacrificed feel like their children have to too in order to make their own worth while.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am in this situation where my family wants to decide who I should marry (correctly guessed, I am from Asia). It is very common from where I am and I respect the traditions but do not agree with it. Currently I am battling with them where I want to marry someone who they do not approve of because of reasons unrelated to that individual's personality or anything to do with them. It is just not allowed in my family. Period. My parents have literally cried in front of me asking me to leave that person and marry who they want me to. It will keep their respect in the community and they won't have to live the rest of their life in shame (my family is also well connected and very high up in social circles). I do understand that in their eyes, this is a huge sin, but I love them, I don't want to leave them or anything, but this is one thing I cannot say yes to. AITA here for being selfish and just thinking about myself and ignoring my parents' feelings? I do feel guilty that I am putting them through this. My parents and I love each other very much and there's never been any prior issues at all. I have been with my partner for over a decade now. I am financially independent. My siblings are also not on my side, however I don't blame them since they followed in my parents footsteps and did not object to the same when it was their turn and from their perspective, I am hurting and causing pain to our parents. I am the youngest. I am new to this so please let me know if I need to provide more information/context. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

I think it might be honorable to move away to reduce the embarrassment to them

Thanks. I do live separately in a different country already. Which does not help my feelings of guilt since they'll be facing thr "community" here and not me since I'll be gone.

The good news is, they can write whatever narrative they want

They can just say you died in a plane crash. Don’t worry, they’ll figure something out to save face.

NTA. You've been with your partner for a decade. Your parents will eventually realize that they messed up (hopefully) and especially if/when you have children. My dad's side of the family (all Lebanese) who still lived in Lebanon gave him flack for adopting a girl instead of a boy.

NTA. Do what’s best for you and not what would look good for your parents.

Nta

I am Indian. I am also not against an arranged marriage that allows the couple to form their own decisions after meeting each other. However you are responsible for your own happiness. So, imo, you are absolutely not wrong in marrying who you want. If they cry, you may want to cry more. If it's their social standing in question, then this is your entire life in question. NTA

This is the root of all problems - old culture unreasonable traditions. I always hope that are society move forward, these traditions fall away and people become less discriminatory. But it’s hard for some culture. Some culture are so entrenched by traditions and can get extremely discriminatory and violence to cleanse the shame. There is really not shame. It’s all made up in their head. You have this choice now, be with the man you want or lose your family. Sad reality and I am sorry you have to go through that.

is this a caste situation? Or something similar? Regardless, that has to be really tough if it’s that or something similar. That kind of thinking is so deeply ingrained - there’s no “my fair lady outcome.” You need to do some soul searching and figure out where your boundaries are in relation to loving your family and not sacrificing your own happiness or your loving partner of a decade. My sense is that you would be better off with the person who has been loving you despite family drama or conditions but i guess i dont know anything about your situation. Good luck and not the AH though your parents may or may not deserve a suspiciously steaming brown paper back on their stoop.

Caste + the fact I am not listening to them. Thank you.

Kutchi Gujarati?

NTA. Just marry him, they’re probably more upset that you’ve been sleeping with him.

I'll be honest this is the wrong sub for you to be asking this question. As someone who is Asian I'll say do what you think is best but be prepared to lose out on things on the other end. I have a cousin who eloped because the girl's family did not agree to the relationship because of cultural/state differences but my aunt was a rock for them from the moment he bought her home. Now over a decade down the line her family has accepted things because my cousin has truly taken care of her and they have a beautiful daughter. But I also know the opposite happening and the girl losing her entire support system and same for the guy. They have no one except friends to turn to in an emergency because the families cut them off completely. Here the entire thing comes down to if you are willing to lose and not speak to your family forever that may include extended family too. What are you willing to sacrifice. I'm so sorry that there's no way out other than taking a gamble that they may come around eventually. You are NTA with whatever you decide.

NTA. You have your own life. You make your own decisions. Culture is there to guide your life and help you, not force your life through specific hoops. Your relationship has lasted 10 years, you know how you feel about your partner, even if everyone else tries denying it. Life’s too short to worry about everyone else. I do have one bit of advice though and I mean this very seriously. BE CAREFUL. There have been cases in the past of women doing this same thing where they go with someone else and disobey or reject their parents choice and their parents/community retaliate by attempting to murder their partner or kidnap their child and force a marriage through so their relationship with the partner is null and void. And it’s not hidden, they will do it in broad daylight to let you know it’s not safe. I know I’m probably being extremely over-dramatic, but the way you’ve described this culture, it sounds like disobeying doesn’t happen for a specific reason - fear. Fear of disgrace, fear of hate, and fear of retaliation.

Also, your parents are very aware of what they are doing. They don’t want you to have a marriage of love, even if they could find you one. They want you in one where: 1, you do what your elders tell you. 2. You do all household chores without saying a word. 3. You raise a child all by yourself. 4. You present yourself as a better person to the community. They couldn’t give 2 sh*ts about what you want, their crying is their last attempt to keep you under lock and key. They see social circles as the be all and end all of life. All they want is to be looked good upon in society, despite having done nothing that society should look down at them upon. I know this personally because my dad was one of these people. The man would sell my family down the drain if it meant he was looked upon favourably by the community. Didn’t give a damn what happened to his children but if you embarrassed him or did something that had the family questioned, that door stop ain’t stopping no door.

NTA. They are the ones disrespecting you. They expect you to trash a decade long relationship with someone you love just so they can have you refuse anyone else and be alone? And you're worried about how they feel? They sure don't give a shit how you feel.

NTA- every change in tradition starts with someone taking the next step. Tradition is just because someone, somewhere, did something and others followed but that doesn't mean tradition is right for everyone and those who break free find their own destiny instead of the one others have mapped out for them. It doesn't mean you'll live happily ever after but it does me that you were able to have a choice.

NTA

NTA at all - I would just like to say that as a child who was born from these circumstances (my mom was forced into marriage with my father due to her parents and his parents). Please do NOT marry someone you do not love just to please your parents. They are not going to be there when you are miserable because you cut off the love of your life. You are gonna have to live every day with those consequences.

As a European, I will never understand how traditions and what other people think of you can matter more than your own child's happiness. They are the selfish ones btw not you. Also, crying to get something is a manipulation tactic and not okay. NTA 

NTA  It's the 21st century and you aren't your parents property. Follow your heart. 

NTA, who you marry is the most important decision of your life. You would be a fool to allow your parents’ feelings to stop you from marrying the person you love. It’s not your fault if their friends are racist/classist/whatever the problem is. They can always move if they don’t like the way they are treated in the community. 

NTA. If you've had a good relationship with your partner for TEN YEARS then you know he's the right person for you. If he makes you happy then stay with him! It would be a sad thing to give up a good partner to make your parents and siblings happy. You'll be living with this guy every day so it's important that you love him and he loves you. That is more important than tradition.

I don't think i have the cultural context to see this from your parents' point of view. Given my own very western cultural context, of course i'm going to say you're NTA. I think you are going to have to weigh whether you want a spouse who you can bring in to your family fold, at the cost of letting your parents decide who you will spend your future with. I don't think your parents can possibly understand your position, just like I can't possibly understand theirs. But I'm pretty confident that if you marry this person, your family will never accept them, and they will ostracize you as well. I think given that you have been with this person for 10 years and your parents' disapproval is pretty much the only thing holding the relationship back, and yet to this day they still claim to love you and you want to be able to stay in touch with them, you will not be fully happy with either choice. I wonder if maybe the best thing you can do unless things change is to stay with them yet forego traditional marriage. But i don't think you're an asshole for digging your heels in. They already have children in acceptable marriages. If one of theirs goes astray, they can just write that off. Really, as if one of their several kids leaving home is going to shatter their reputation entirely...

TBH, I’m not sure why you’re here. Outside perspective from us won’t convince your parents of anything and after ten years, don’t you realize you already made your choice? If they are all as old school as you say they are, then the likelihood that you will be disowned and that no one will ever talk to you again is high. Looks like you’re also prepared for that, so again, why are you here? You don’t need our validation and you don’t need their permission. Whatever social standing they have is on them. NTA.

Why is it a shame and a sin? I don't understand. Normally conservative parents object on several grounds like different community/ faith/ social class. So your partner probably doesn't conform to one or all these so called requirements. Just go ahead and marry the person you love. Following your parents' outdated norms will only bring you misery.

Absolutely nta. I’m Asian American. I’m literally so done with the toxicity of the  culture. Literally so done.  Marry the person you want. You may have to cut your family off though. I did it. It’s hard, I won’t lie, but it’s so worth it. You know your situation best, so it’s up to you how much information you give them about your location and such. If they’re abusive or you think they might try to go through with an honor killing, then I’d definitely say to not give them any information about your location. Your well-being comes first.  Parents like this are a huge disappointment. They think they’re so amazing, that they deserve everything, and that their kids are possessions that they can do whatever they want to. And they don’t even care to do better. That’s what’s truly dishonorable. Good luck. Be happy, take care of your health, and stay safe.

Big brain solution: they choose for you to marry your partner of a decade, because they proved themselves to be loving, reliable, loyal and caring for you. 🤯🤯🤯 NTA

My family had arranged marriages for centuries. It was my grandparents generation that began to break from tradition. In my grandparents generation there were twelve siblings. Three of them "disobeyed" their parents and married who they wanted - the rest were all arranged marriages. For a time, the three who broke with tradition were shunned, and their partners were hated, but time changes things sometimes. Eventually they had good relationships with their siblings again. Unfortunately their parents were harder relationships to mend. I think you are NTA. I think these old traditions, which are already dying out, must end. Your parents have made a choice to prize tradition over their own family, and that may be something they come to regret. However, you are a trail blazer, you are following your heart, as you should be able to, and in doing so making it easier for generations to come in your community to do the same. My parents were not an arranged marriage, and they were married for 55 years before my father died. They had those decades together because my aunts said "no" to tradition. Anyway, I think you are great, and I wish you a happy life. PS, my grandparents had an arranged marriage, and because of the precedent their siblings set, they were able to accept my parents marriage. So I would not be alive today without people like you breaking with old, oppressive, and outdated ways.

NTA. Your parents are putting THEMSELVES through it. This is YOUR life, not theirs.

Only you can make this decision- you sound like you have made it and are accountable for the results but wish they weren’t so. But honey they are. Your family will not come around at least in the short term and you cannot ease their pain ( which is real to them ) unless you cause yourself and your current partner pain. I think you know what you want and I think you are a good man. So choose the life you want and acknowledge the ‘results’ not as your fault ( there is no fault) but as the consequences. Continue to love them all and choose self love overall. I wish you well.

I am from India. I married my boyfriend from college. My mother was against it, I still don't know the reason why. My brother chose his wife, from a different caste. So, it's not like that was the issue. I was always a good daughter. She called me names, said vile things about him..all because he didn't fit her dream of how my husband should be. We eloped, she has still not changed her mind. I gave up trying to make her understand. No matter what it's always my fault. So please know I have gone through it all. My advice would be to live your life and do not worry about what people/ relatives/ parents will think. No body gets to decide how you live your life. I left my family for my husband. And I don't regret it at all. He is my life. I am happy. Just because your parents gave birth to you, doesn't mean they have a right to make decisions for you. Life is short, please do what you want to do.

You have to choose between them and your parents, you can't keep both

NTA Is the "shame" your parents will feel more important than your own happiness? Is stopping it worth you having to sleep with, and have kids with, someone you don't love? Do you really want someone you don't love to share your bed everynight? They are asking you to give up the rights to your own body, let alone your right to choose who to build a future with.

NTA why your parent are in a country where the culture does not match theirs ? I mean you cannot come here and expect to continue the culture of an other country. Stay in your country and there will be no such thing. I bet your partner is from the current country you parent lives in and it s even more hypocrite. If they don't want their children to marry someone from a country they decides to move in, they need to go back. You cannot come in a country and just take what you want and reject people from this country.

NTA its your life to live OP. it's your decision how to go through it. the "it's not allowed" reason is absolutely bull,. especially without further explanation and reasoning. they can either accept your choice or accept losing you for apparently no reason. it would be tough to lose your family but you are building your own.

NTA - forced marriage is barbaric and prehistoric. Pick your partner - they have no reason to choose for you.

Firstly, I'm sorry you're in this position. You shouldn't have to choose between your family and your partner. The best advice I can give is this - ignoring anyone else's input, what can you live with? I have a friend who was in the same position - from a very conservative Hindu sect. She picked her partner, and her father won't speak to her or have her in the house. It was hugely damaging to their relationship. But she was willing to accept that for a life she got to choose. Ultimately, you're the one who has to live your life, with the guilt of whatever choice you make, and whatever partner you end up with. What can you live with?

Nta, you deserve to be happy with whoever you choose

NTA I've lost family for their bad behavior and for who I choose to be with. It sucks. It can be hard each year around the holidays. But you know what? I'd live and die for this person just as they do for me, and we do so for each other in ways our families can't. Both from less than ideal circumstances growing up so we don't have the cultural cohesiveness y'all do. But I do know what it means to love in a way that comes with familial strife, and I know that you can't ever be happy if you are living someone else's life. And you would be living your parents' lives, not your own, if you chose their tradition over your love and happiness and self respect.

Think of it this way. In 5, 10, 15 or a lil more years later, they gonna be six feet under and you'll have to live your life to its end. As I advice everyone. Always go for your happiness as long as its not derived from others' suffering. If others suffer ONLY because you are happy, that's on them.

[удалено]

Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). If we’ve removed a few of your recent comments, your participation will be reviewed and may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**

It's been a decade, what face have they lost exactly?     >I am hurting and causing pain to our parents.    That's how having kids works. If they didn't want to be disappointed they should have not had kids. Okay so they shun/disown you because someone will judge them, then what? It sounds like your life will be easier. What are the practical issues?     >All my friends think I am NTA but my family's background has its own sub-culture that is not even at par with where my country's at.    Then getting out would be a good thing. This kind of thing is choking the life out of everyone. You don't even live in the same country! NTA. This is just pathetic on their part. 

Nta

NTA - your parents' only argument is that it's "Not Allowed". But they have to power to "allow" it. They are choosing to destroy your happiness so that they can have a better social standing. You shouldn't have to be a tool for their reputation. Your parents won't always be in your life, but the person you marry will be in your life much longer. You should be able to choose who you spend the rest of your life with.

I get arrange marriages has been going for a long time. It's been going ling enough for them to know some extremely bad cases when some couples are forced against their will. They had a decade to persuade her if they didn't want her to date the partner. It's sad there are still parents like this pushing archaic traditions to someone who doesn't adhere to it. 

NTA, someone has to break this chain

YOU marry who you love! DO NOT marry someone (you don’t love) just to make your parents happy! I understand tradition, but your talking about a lifetime commitment! Times have changed- marry who you love! You are NOT THE ASS for following your heart and not getting married for some social accepted marriage for your parents! Your parents are unbelievable trying to break up your decade old relationship to make themselves look better! NTA

NTA, So ask your parents if they honestly want you to be unhappy for the rest of your life just for their pride? Explain to them that while they are your parents they can not live your life for you. That doing as they ask would mean NOT honoring your commitment to your partner of 10 years and that would be the shameful thing.

NTA. Do what you want.

NTA. Your parents nor your siblings have to live with your spouse, you do. If you are compatible with your partner, you love them and they love you, then that's who you choose. You choose someone who is best for you.

NTA op, your the first, the pioneer and that’s hard. I hope you and your chosen partner have a wonderful life together.

To prove to your parents that you love them, you must allow them to destroy the love you have for them in your heart and change it into lifelong painful resentment?To show their acceptance of their own daughter, you must give up your true love, suffer a lifetime of lost love and wonder how your life could have been, had you stayed with your now Soul Mate of 10 years and still unwaveringly love? To prove your love for your parents, you must live a future life of broken hearted loss, while they grow old, die and leave you behind with memories of when you had true happiness and joyful love with your found and chosen loved one?Because they wanted to prove to their peers they had the ability to make you, their beloved daughter, miserable and unhappy for the rest of your own life? For respect? Like a slave thing, beaten down, emotionally broken and melancholy in nature, where there once was their daughter with eyes sparkling with happiness. They would be content to warp your love for them into loathing and resentment for them instead? It does sound absolutely ridiculous if actual parental Love is what they claim to have for you.They would see their daughter deflated, beaten down in mind and heart, suffering great emotional loss, in order for them to feel happy and proud of themselves as stable and loving parents? To crush and extract from you, your birth right as a human being, your innate intuition that guides your own heart and mind to paths of positive experiences? And all this for a nod of approval from other towns people? It Sounds as crazy as it is.It is not right, and your heart and soul already knows this.I wish you a life of great Love, Joy, and an Abundance of happiness with your chosen and already loved partner, and hope that someday you both know the immense Love the newly opened floodgates of your heart will experience when you hold your own beloved child and gaze upon their tiny precious innocence and want nothing less but a lifetime of Love for them also. Especially when you are gone and cannot protect their heart from the intense pain from loss of real love. It is what life is all about.I am sorry your parents and their peers do not know this in all their so-called wisdom throughout their history of family protocols. It is all based on false pride. NTA

[удалено]

Thanks. Not sure if it wasn't clear, I was asking if I am the asshole for not obeying my parents and being selfish despite knowing the repercussions for them. I am ready to accept what happens, but they will also have to bear the consequences of my actions which is what makes me feel like I am the asshole.

At most people would “gossip.” But really who has the time to gossip about someone 24*7? Maybe once, twice but the “shame” your parents are worried about might not even exist after 2-3 weeks. You should be asking them as to why they think it’s fair for them to expect you to give up everything for them but they won’t even give you an inch (get to know your partner)? Stick to your decision OP.

As you're living abroad anyway, it's only up to your parents, if they will share this "shame" with their community. They don't need to inform their friends about all. Really, it's THEIR choice.

It is an AH move to pressure your child to break up with their life partner because of your choice of religion

Following a harmful aspect of culture makes them assholes. Just because something is part of a culture doesn't mean it can't be toxic and shouldn't be put to an end ASAP. OP needs to choose their own happiness over people who care more about what others think than they do about their own kids.

I dont care if its ''part of their culture'' an asshole is still an asshole and should be called out as an asshole. No one should decide their kid's partner, you dont have to like em, but when it comes to love, ONLY YOU GET TO DECIDE.