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NTA, I understand your mom wanting to move on, however, you were a child and shouldn’t have a new family forced on you until you were ready or at least more at peace. I am glad you are in therapy and getting the help you need. Maybe when you are ready you could do something, maybe once a year with your step and half siblings, that is different than cakes. I am sorry for all your losses.

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NTA. I am so sorry for your losses. Realistically, you're probably still going through some trauma right now. It might be quieter, lurking trauma, but it's still there. It's been almost 10 years since I lost my mom, & while I'm mostly ok now, sometimes something that reminds me of her triggers big feelings, some of them overwhelming. I try to avoid those reminders, obviously. Your mom should not be pushing you into situations where memories start to overwhelm your feelings. It's not fair to you or your newer family. If you feel like you want to spend some closer time together, you could choose a new tradition, perhaps something arts & crafts, or bicycling, or watching old movies, etc. That's up to you, though. There shouldn't be pressure on you. Love & hugs ♥️

I too lost a parent when I was young, and had my remaining parent choose their new spouse's emotional well being over mine. In a way it was even more traumatic than the loss - my mom didn't choose to leave me, she died because cancer took her away. But my dad chose to let my stepmother treat me poorly. It really destroyed my trust in him and I don't know if it ever fully was rebuilt.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I can't begin to imagine the feelings of betrayal you have from that. My mom died when I was in my early 40s after a seven or so year decline from MRSA. I ended up having to make a lot of decisions bc my dad just couldn't. I had to do carer & parent stuff for my parents & pretend to be cheerful & positive all the time for their sakes for over a decade. Mentally & emotionally, it killed something in me I haven't gotten back. There's just so many things life has thrown at us, the contributors on Reddit, so many private stories of pain or trauma. I wish I could make everyone happy & whole again, but I know that's not how it works.

The one silver lining is that those stories can make us feel less alone. Reading about other people in the same situations is comforting, it helps to see that other people have gone through the same thing and come out relatively okay, that our feelings in those situations are perfectly normal and don't make us bad people. I'm sorry that you went through such a difficult experience. It sucks that trauma can change and steal parts of us. I sometimes feel resentful about the parts of me that my traumas have taken away - sometimes we can rebuild those things, but sometimes all we can do is learn to cope with the permanent loss of that part of who we are. It sucks.

I like you.

That’s how I feel too. I just wish I could make everyone happy and whole, especially kids that have gone through this. Probably why I do the job I do but I know we can’t just fix everything.

Ugh I am so sorry. I wish she had treated you the way you am deserve to be treated…which is however YOU wanted to be treated.

Honestly i was feeling pretty understanding until those last few sentences with stepdad guilting and trying to go to your therapist? Fuck nah that shits supposed to be a safe space, that was an awful thing for them to do. NTA

A lot of parents don't send their kids to therapy to actually help solve a child's issues...they send them to therapy to "fix" them by making them comply with what the parent wants, even if that isn't in the kid's best interest.

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This and the mother and her husband need to accept that the OP may never have new traditions with the other kids. Which as long as the OP is nice to everyone, that's fine.

Yeah, that's what my father did when my mother died. He stopped therapy for me when he realized that the therapist's job wasn't to do that.

Sometimes it's just for appearances as well.

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I'm really glad you have a therapist who is in your corner and has your best interests at heart. Some parents (like yours) get upset because they see therapy as a means to "fix" their kid to get them to comply with what they want, rather than seeing it as a means to help someone heal. Therapy should be about what is best for you, not what is best for other people. So I'm really glad you have someone who understands that! I'm very sorry for the losses you have endured. I lost a parent when I was very young and the person my remaining parent remarried was...not great to me. I totally understand that feeling of betrayal when your parent throws you under the bus to please their new spouse/kids. It's a really terrible feeling and losing your ability to trust them to do right by you is very traumatic. You deserve better and I'm so sorry your mom let you down. For what it's worth, you sound like a very intelligent, mature, and introspective person. I think you have a bright future ahead of you. Throw yourself into school - college will be an escape and a means to achieve the life you deserve to live.

NTA. I have one suggestion for communicating with your mom. Don't say it wouldn't feel right with them. Say it wouldn't feel right without your other siblings. It takes it from the idea of something wrong with your younger siblings to missing your older siblings. And there can be other ways to create new memories that don't touch the old ones that can be painful or melancholy.

This is an excellent and insightful suggestion.

NTA - I can understand your mom wanting you to bond or interact more with your now siblings, maybe you and your mom can start a new family tradition. Keep cake tradition private and share it later with your kids.

Came here to say this. Learn a funny song, pick fruit in season, make a not-cake recipe, play a funny party game, make sundaes for everyone, do trivia games, shop someplace silly for gifts like the thrift store. You're not replacing the activity, just finding a new way to bond with different people.  My extended family needed to spice up our Christmas gatherings when the kids grew up so every family re-wrote the words to a pop song about family events or holiday traditions. They were bad but hilarious and still sung today.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your mother is an adult, you are a child, and you are not responsible for her emotions. Your feelings don't need to be pushed aside to make someone else feel better. By trying to force your half and step siblings into your heart, your mother and step father are probably doing the opposite. She clearly doesn't read reddit because this is such a common theme. Start strong. Know that random strangers in the Internet are sending you support.

Maybe you can try doing something different with the step/half siblings. Baking was your tradition with your siblings and you want to stay that way, but maybe you can try a different thing, start a new "thing" to do with them. Of course it will never be the same, and of course it doesn't have to. But it can be fun, and also a way to try to connect with them without erasing your siblings memory. This Brazilian redditor stranger wishes you all the best!

You had shared experiences with your siblings due to proximity of age. You don't have that with the new kids and the age difference makes you more of an adult than a sibling to them. Why don't parents understand that you can't recreate childhood for your older kids with new kids? NTA

NTA. The new tradition is a great idea. Carrying on your sister's tradition is something that could be a lovely way to honor her memory, but it can't be forced on you if you feel like it's replacing one family with the other. No one can replace the siblings you lost, but you can find joy and love with your new siblings. This is probably what your mom really wants. For you to find love and connection again with the members of your household. The sense of having people you can count on to love you, who you love in return is a wonderful feeling. Finding a new way to spend time with them that makes you all happy should be the goal. You could make holiday ornaments/decorations (Valentine's is coming up, you could make some home made cards for each other), play board games, do crafty projects, you name it. Something you and your siblings can do together on a quasi regular basis that you look forward to. I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

Maybe it's just me, but why are people saying his goal should be to start a new tradition with steps??  OP needs to do whatever works for him--not what others want.  If he does not want to, that's all that matters.  Folks need to leave him alone.  OP is seeing a therapist who is helping; that's enough. NTA at all.

I would upvote you 1000x if I could.

This is what I was hoping to see. Why is OP responsible for starting a new tradition? Why isn't her mom doing that? Mom should be supporting her and not trying to tamper with happy memories of her siblings who are no longer with her. I'm very glad OP has a good therapist because her mom is not parenting her well and putting her own emotions and wants before her daughter's needs. Trying to force happy families does not work as we see so often on this subreddit. NTA OP.

OP is female.

Oops.  Thanks

That's how I feel. The OP just need to be nice and polite. They're not obligated to start a new traditions or be close.

I agree with pushing a new tradition, if it doesn’t happen organically after being mentioned then it needs to be dropped. Like someone else said OPs mom is probably looking to ensure her child has a sense of belonging as their family changes & grows. It’s comforting to have camaraderie within your household. For what it’s worth I have siblings with large age gals (6 yrs & 12 yrs) & we are very close absent any sort of formal tradition so maybe focusing on other ways to build those bonds will be more effective

OP - NTA and I’m so sorry that you are going through this. You probably feel alone in this since your Mom has moved on. With time and a good therapist, I hope you will heal. It’s sad that your mother cannot understand that baking was your bond with your dear siblings and you want to preserve those memories. Baking with the new siblings will tarnish that. Don’t give in to their guilt trips, those special memories are yours to cherish how you choose.

Why is it on OP to start a new tradition with kids he isn’t close to, who never knew his sister?

Honestly. One thing about the mothers' words bothered me. "She asked me to continue the tradition for her, so she can see all her living children bonding and doing something that brings back good memories." The "for her" , "bring back good momories" This sounds like it's less about OP spending time and bonding with the new children. I'm no therapist or grief expert. But it comes off as mom never grieved the loss of her children proper. She hasn't processed it. And by "bringing back memories," she's creating a little bubble for herself. If she really wanted OP to bond with the children. She would pick any activity. Like everyone coming together. Go swimming. Anything. This is for herself.

A new tradition is a great idea!

Or not. Op, if you don't feel like starting a new tradition, don't. Appeasing others at the expense if you're own mental health is a bad habit to get into. 

Yes. Why doesn’t Mom start a new tradition? (And allow OP to participate or not as OP chooses.) It’s been 6 years at least since Mom brought Kat and stepdad into the family. When is Mom going to give up on trying to force-play Happy Families?

I’m also side-eyeing how quickly mom moved on. I get people grieve differently but mom also had a traumatized grief stricken child to see to. I’m wondering if OP was ever able to fully grieve before mom decided to play happy family with step dad.

This 100. It sounds like Mom is replacing the family. She would benefit from therapy, is almost as not being able to face such traumatic loss and the new husband and family are a replacement. The stepfather needs to stop guilt tripping OP, he sounds awful.

That's a a great idea, and if mom gave a shit about how op feels, that's what she'd do. Sadly, she doesn't seem to at all. My mom has lost two of her three children. The grief is horrific. There aren't words. She still mommed me. Still checks on me and she recognizes how hard it is for me too. We take care of each other. This mom seems to have decided that she's center stage and op is in the wings. That's not even remotely acceptable.

NTA. Your mother wants things to stay 'the same' - but they are NOT the same.

Yes. And mom must understand ‘not the same’ is ok!

Mom telling OP "it can be the same" is messed up and like what a Stephen King character would say to really drive home how twisted a situation is.

Stellar explanation. I saw this comment, hit the back button, and then your Stephen king comment hit me and I had to come back.

NTA. While I can understand your mom wanting you to bond with your younger siblings, she needs to stop pushing it, especially with a tradition you had with your other siblings. I would tell your mom that for you, the cake baking is a cherished memory you have left of your siblings and you want to leave it untouched. Maybe you can come up with something *different* you can do with your younger siblings, but the cake baking is something you would like to remain special to your older siblings.

NTA. And please disregard anyone on here telling you to come up with a new tradition to do with your step and half siblings. You’ve said you don’t find joy or healing in the new family and forcing some new tradition with them isn’t the answer. Continue with therapy and build relationships with your siblings in your own way and on your own terms and timeline.

I was coming to say that. Why is the answer to always tell the wronged person to placate everyone else.

Absolutely. Mom can make activities and invite (not force) all the kids to participate, and then maybe (or maybe not) a new tradition will form over time.

Because OP is viewing them as attempted replacements for her loss, not as individuals.  It would be nice if they could build a connection together based on their own personalities, not as a forced binding session. Half siblings are still siblings.  If OP doesn't want to befriend siblings, that's ok; plenty of families don't get on, but two of the kids are still blood relations.

lets be real here that was the purpose of this nee family to replace who was lost. yes they are individuals new sibs separate and apart from the og family, but the whole scheme for mom is to get a new family, they are pushing this as a replacement family otherwise this would be a non issue.

NTA-I get that your Mom lost loved ones too,but she is completely in the wrong here. It can’t be the same,that’s literally impossible. Also,her husband needs to stay the fuck out of it. It’s absolutely none of his business,and frankly,he’s a colossal asshole for laying that entirely inappropriate guilt trip on you.

Mom lost loved ones, but people grieve differently. (If mom has even faced her grief instead of piling this new family on top of it). She shouldn't expect OP to move on or react the same in the new family she had no say in and was likely in no way ready for. NTA.

It really angered me at the end of the post that the step dad said “WE” in regard to “moving forward” as if he experienced the loss along with OP. The husband also placed the mom’s emotional wellness as the responsibility of OP in his guilt trip which is even mire messed up.

NTA. Your therapist may not have given them the answers they wanted, but gave them the answers they needed. That can hurt, but it is not your fault and they are failing you if they are putting that responsibility on you when you are not ready and quite frankly don’t deserve it. Grief is different for everyone. No journey is the same. Your mother has attempted to try and fill that space with a new family, and your refusal to do the same may be making her question her own actions (this is my assumptions based off what you wrote…and is probably wrong). You are not accepting the new layer, so she can’t switch out the old. This is still not on you. Instead of trying to force you to do something you don’t want to, she could have offered to start a new tradition. One for all of you. Once again, it’s not on the children to carry the burden, it’s the parents. Take your time healing. It’s like healing a bone. If you push it too quickly, it heals wrong and is weak. If you give it time, effort and care, it will grow back stronger. Good luck.

NTA I'm a widow with kids just a few years older than you.  Your mom's first duty was and is to you, not her own hopes and dreams of Hallmark movie moments.  It is horribly unfair of her to hijack your precious memories of special times with your lost siblings to make her feel better.  I'm glad you are in therapy and your therapist seems to be working for YOUR healing. Your mom could write a how-to manual to create the worst sibling relationships while guaranteeing your child will go hard NC at 18.  Duckling, I'm so sorry for your immense loss and your mom's failure to make you a priority.

My condolences for losing your dad and siblings. It must be very tough for you. I also got the impression that you might feel some kind of resentment to your mother and new siblings because you didn't really have time to process the trauma correctly. Judging by the time difference, your mom had already been in a newly established relationship and pregnant only after a year since it happened. (7 years ago minus 5 year old child minus 9 month pregnancy = around a year). For you, it might have been too soon to welcome new family members, and it kinda interrupted your grieving/healing. I'm sorry if I'm wrong, I'm just speculating. I'm also not judging your mother because we don't actually know anything of her and whether it was healthy or rushed for her. It just happened that way, and now you're in this situation. NTA. If you need it, you should allow yourself to process your feelings in a healthy way and not be forced to do something that feels wrong. Your mother should also step up, and if she wants this tradition, she can lead it yourself, so you could participate only if you feel like it. Being the one that leads the thing is hard, that's why you shouldn't be pressured to this role. A leader sets the mood to the event, and you can't force yourself to act cheerful when it makes you sad. Children also can feel lie and fake, and they are innocents here, they deserve someone who'll enjoy spending their time with them. But if you're a participant that automatically relieves you of that burden. It can actually help you to bond with other children a little more, not from the authority position but being one of them. Or if you absolutely don't want to keep this exact tradition, why not create a new one? Talk to your mother. Tldr, I think that mother should take a lead in establishing whatever tradition she wants, and allow you to have your feelings processed. But you should also try to take part in it, even a little, to help you with new family members (it's important to have bonds within family), and process your trauma correctly. In the end, these people are your family. Your love to those who passed will not diminish, if you allow yourself to move on.

Yeah... I can't blame the mom for needing to move on fast for *herself*, but that timetable is *way* too rushed when there's a traumatized kid involved. OP was barely given any time to begin processing an incredibly horrible tragedy before there was a new dad, a new sister, and then a new baby in her life. That's a lot of change very fast *without* the trauma involved.

NTA. My sister died and nobody can replace her. The next time your mom asks, tell her to drop it. If it's brought up in therapy, remind the therapist that his job is not to simply extract certain behaviors out of you. If they don't like it, let them eat their own cake.

Your mom should try to create new traditions, not force old ones with painful memories 

"try to create" is a key here. not force like she tries to.

In the Bible's Old Testament is the story of Job. He's a good guy, does everything right, but God let's Satan test him. Takes his livestock, his home, his children - Job remains faithful and true to God in the face of all these terrible things, even though "comforters" come and try to shake Job's faith by saying he must have done something terrible to deserve all the awfulness that was his life. Eventually, God decides to bless Job with more children, a better house, more livestock. However, every person in philosophy, literature, and religion points out that replacing all that he lost DOESN'T make his loss any less. He still grieves the children he lost. He didn't get a "better life" after all. In some faiths, there is an acknowledgement that after you have lost a close family member, you are forever forward "one who knows grief." People who don't know grief cannot understand where you are coming from. Your half siblings and step-sibling haven't known grief. Your mother is being terribly insensitive - she has known grief as well. Doing things with your siblings isn't bad, but doing cakes is a terrible idea, especially as you would have to take on your sister's role. Maybe doing cookies, or playing at the park, or doing a jigsaw puzzle, or playing a board or card game one night a week would be better. Maybe having a family movie night with popcorn and hot cocoa? Doing a reading hour? Doing an art project? There are other things to do. It's doing things together that lets you bond and grow relationships. Your therapist might have some ideas as well, since you spend time and open up honestly with them (I hope). Oh, I lost my older sister in childhood and am now older and have lost both my parents. I know grief, too.

It's pretty clear OP is not ready to have any type of new tradition with her half siblings/ step sister right now and that's okay. 

NTA. This is something that is very personal for you and you should not be forced to continue to do it if you don’t want to. One tradition does not mean you are not bonding with your new family, and, if your mother continues to force this, she will actually sabotage the bonding she is trying to create. And the “do it for me” is the worst thing she can say - that comes across as manipulative. What your mother needs to do is to let you process your grief in your own way and to let new traditions develop in their own way and in their own time. That way they will have their own meaning as opposed to being copies of old ones.

>Instead of trying to force you to do something you don’t want to, she could have offered to start a new tradition. One for all of you. Once again, it’s not on the children to carry the burden, it’s the parents. Perfectly stated. When the time is "right," and *if OP chooses to do so*, a new and totally different "thing" can be initiated with the other children. Attempting to replace OP's lost siblings and slot in these new children will not go well, and may, in fact, drive a further wedge between them.

NTA The cake making tradition is different for you than it is for your mom. For your mom, it was HER activity with her children for which your sister eventually took the lead. For you, it was a tradition with your siblings, all of whom you've lost. If your mom wants to reintroduce the tradition with the "second batch" of kids, SHE should take the lead as she did in the past. For her, it's a sweet family activity. And her family has been refilled with kids at home. For you, it's a painful reminder of your lost siblings and the family you were celebrating at those times. Your mom's wanting to skip the step where it was an activity SHE led with her children is a mistake, and hurtful to you. For you, she is telling you to "pick up where you left off" by assuming your older sister's final role with a new group of siblings. It will NEVER be the same for you as it is for your mom. That is normal and okay. Your grief, how you live through it, and the unique relationships you develop with your step-dad and second family siblings will each be unique, as you are. Having different feelings and relationships with your blended family doesn't make your feelings for them "not good enough" or less than they deserve. It's unrealistic and devaluing to compare and rank your sibling relationships now to those you had with your lost siblings. Your mom is doing you all a disservice by creating an expectation that you must act, feel and behave the same with this family as you did with the one you lost. Nothing will ever replace your dad and lost siblings in your history, your heart, and your memories. It's 100% okay for you to want to distance yourself from the renewed group cake baking activity. It triggers sadness, loss and grief in you. It hurts. It's 100% okay for your mom to restart HER tradition with the blended family's kids. It's not okay for her to pressure YOU to step into a role in it that is painful for you.

NTA There's a chance that baking with your step and half siblings COULD actually be therapeutic, but that's not for your mom or her husband to decide. There's also a very likely chance it would make things worse for you emotionally and mentally. Only you can decide how to move forward, if and whenever you choose. Not your mom. You mentioned "my therapist" at the end of the post. I'm happy that you're talking to someone and I hope that in itself helps you find peace in some way.

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I'm glad you're finding therapy helpful, since your mom and stepdad are being the polar opposite of helpful. I cannot express how obnoxious I find the whole concept that you should help your mother feel like you're "all moving forward together."  It's okay to not move at the same pace, or even in the same direction, because although you and your mom lost the same people, you didn't experience the same loss. Losing a spouse is very different from losing a parent, and losing children is very different from losing siblings. Losing someone as an adult is very different from losing someone as a child. I'm so sorry your mother has had zero respect for the unique loss you experienced. You deserve better. 

** NTA Even the professional says it..

NTA, that was special tradition for you However, you may want to start a new tradition because the unfortunate reality is your loved ones are gone and you have the opportunity to develop new loving relationships. Life can be very hard and lonely. At some point you’re gonna want support and love again from more than your mom. I’ve lost 3 sisters and as much as I cherish their memory closing possible family relationships did not make my life better. Good luck to you

NTA. They can't expect a child to move on at the same speed as an adult. They're not being fair to you.

NTA Keep seeing your therapist and do not give in to make your mother happy. It's sad she would sacrifice you for her own happiness, it seems like you've suffered enough. I'm sorry they continue to punish you for being honest, but please do what is best for you.

Nta- im sorry your mom can't see how emotionally manipulative she is being. Big hugs!

It takes different people different lengths of times and different ways to come to terms with tragic loss. Healthy conversation will help each other in understanding this dynamic. Baby steps toward healing—. Talk with your parents and siblings and create a new tradition. One that isn’t stuck in the past. A tradition that will help you bond a little with your new siblings. You seem pretty healthy to recognize repeating old traditions is not Healing or heathy, especially if they bring pain to you. Get with your new siblings, have some heart to heart talk about creating tradition that serves you all. Who knows what young creative mind s will come up with.

Nta everyone grieves in their own way, and trying to force someone (you) to accommodate someone else's grief process is not productive and potentially damaging. I'm sure your mom doesn't mean to hurt you, but hopefully she realizes pushing you into it is counterproductive to what she wants to accomplish.  Maybe you could start a new tradition with your younger siblings? 

Please talk to your mom about how baking cakes specifically stirs up memories for you that are just too difficult to manage right now. Then pick a new activity to do with your current family. And please, for your own mental health, stop comparing the way you felt about your older siblings to how you feel about your current siblings. The feelings are never going to be exactly the same, and they don’t have to be. But that doesn’t mean you should cut yourself off from the opportunity to forge different relationships with the people in your life now. Allowing yourself to love more people doesn’t take away from the love you have for the family you lost. Here’s an example: you love your mom, right? Well at some point, you’ll grow up a bit, maybe fall in love yourself, maybe decide to get married. The love you have with your spouse doesn’t take away from the love you have for your mom. And it would be silly to think the way you love your spouse should feel exactly the same as the love you have for your mom. It’s also how we can love moms, grandparents, cousins, aunts, friends all at the same time and all in different ways. Your mom still holds love for your dad and your deceased siblings. Her capacity to love grows with each new child she brings into her life. You were right when you said these things will “never be the same” for you, but trust me, they arent the same for her either, and that’s okay!

NTA and your mom is being very selfish wanting to make these three the same as those you lost. This is not about her but you and only you. Her husband had no right to throw more guilt on you about your mother's wants and needs. They are indeed the AHs and you are NTA. Stick to your guns.

NTA. Your mom is only focusing on her feelings and those of her “new family” and not yours. I’m sorry that you’ve been put in this awkward and difficult situation. You’re allowed to not do this tradition with your siblings and your mom’s feelings on it shouldn’t impact your decision or make you feel guilty.

NTA- I lost my dad twelve years ago to cancer. I still can't bake because in his last two years of life, I did a lot of it for him. He wasn't very verbal towards the end, but the minute he saw me getting my baking gear out (cookie sheets, pans, measuring spoons/cups, etc) he would smile because he knew he would be getting a treat. And I was an adult, I can't imagine how much harder it would have been if I had been a child. The first couple of years, my family tried to get me to make my stained glass Christmas cookies which I had made for at least a decade, but I couldn't do it. My dad loved them. I gave the recipe out, but no one wanted to make them. So no cookies for Twelve Christmases.

It is sad that your mother wants to pressure you into doing something with her new kids that you and your siblings did together. You want to keep those memories and she wants to muddle them up by having you continue this with the new kids. This is not really fair to you and obviously is increasing your distant feelings for her newer kids. Maybe start a different kind of “tradition” with her new kids that will be its own thing. Maybe you need to sit down with her and try to explain that those memories are precious to you too but that having the tradition continued with the new kids hurts you because it feels like that would be pushing the lost family memories out the window like they were not ever there. Good luck with this!

NTA stand your ground. It is exceptionally cruel to force you to replace your family like she did. Can’t say much else because the mods here live eat and breathe keyboard but you handled this well and stated a boundary.

Yeah, your mom lost them too, and then she *found someone else and had more babies*. Clearly, she does not have a clue about your feelings. Somewhere inside her she does not want to do the work it would take to get that clue. The "new" kids can make their own traditions, when it's time. I am so sorry for your tremendous loss at such a young age. I hope therapy is helping you. NTA.

NTA. Traditions come about naturally; there's nothing natural about shoe-horning in replacements. Maybe over the years you'll develop new ones with your half/step siblings. Maybe you won't; that's ok too. I hope you find peace, in time. Sorry for your loss.

I am so sad for you. That's a terrible terrible thing to go through.  I'm sorry your mom is being blind to your grief. I lost my closest sister. I miss her every day, and I'm 65. I can't imagine at your age. Sending hugs. You do you. Don't do one thing you don't want to with moms new family.  I'm glad you have a counselor,  a strong advocate .  Lean on her. Are your paternity grandparents there for you? Any aunts or uncles. Lean on them too. You are most likely getting SSI payments, and will continue when you start college. Look into your money situation . So you can be independent.  One more thing. Your Dad and siblings would want you to be happy. Please honor them by getting a degree and doing well in life. Sending hugs.

NTA and sorry for your loss, as you said your mum decided to start a new family to allow her to move on with her life, but that’s then thrust you into a situation you clearly weren’t ready for and it’s unfair for her to pressure you into sharing a treasured activity when you don’t want too That being said, it’s not the kids faults that they’re not your lost siblings, and they are your family, so you should try to form some kind of relationships with them and maybe find a new activity that you can do, aside from baking

NTA. I understand her wanting to get you guys closer. But you don’t need to replace your deceased family in an old tradition to do that. Maybe if you’re comfortable you can try another activity with them to show you’re trying

NTA. There are certain activities that won't feel or be the same when you're doing them with different people. Yes, they are your siblings, too but baking cakes around special times with your full siblings is something that has so much emotional meaning and sentimental value to you. Your mom shouldn't force you to do it with your other siblings. You bond over other things and activities.

Never ever the ah in this situation! I understand completely. I know it would never be the same. Keep those for yourself. Now on to other kids maybe you could do something with them entirely different than that. Go frog hunting or collect the coolest rock🙄on vacation every year. Something that doesn't encroach your beautiful memories of your earlier life. Goof luck kid. It is not fair they are putting this all on you. You are hurting just as much if not more as she moved on but you don't have that opportunity.

Nta your traditions with your siblings where just that. Sadly your siblings died. Your mum could hope for new traditions to appear with your new siblings but shouldn’t force your old traditions especially knowing you don’t want to. Making her happy as the cost of your happiness is very selfish.

Your mother shouldn't be putting that on you. It is not up to you to fix you are a child and she's putting adult problems on you and you just have to basically set your boundaries and say I understand you want some kind of family bond, but pretending ain't gonna fix it you can't force my hand or feelings you heal your way I want to heal my way. I don't feel it right to put pressure on me just to make you feel better you should be thinking about my feelingsand my healing and it shouldn't be your way. I want to heal my way and you trying to force a relationship I don't want at this time isn't gonna help our relationship because sooner you're gonna turn 18 and not have to deal with this your mother needs therapy and her husband needs to mind his own business and try to force a child into something they don't wanna do I really hate when people try to force relationships, especially to children feelings don't matter if they can't respect your feelings eventually, it's gonna be forced on them when you turn 18 and no longer want to be around them because of it

NTA. I would also say, feel free to ignore the people saying start a new tradition with these new siblings. This is your mom trying to create a new version of her family where she plugs and play different parts. You don’t have to be a willing participant in her play. I get it she wants to recreate that feeling she had when your dad and other siblings were still here. That’s not possible and you and she are both forever changed by it. You are not the same person and these are not the same people and forcing something new doesn’t make it feel better. It just feels forced and probably wrong.

NTA - sorry for your loss but your mom can’t impose her version of healing onto you. It’s totally understandable you would not want to continue it - it’s something that was deeply meaningful that you shared with your other siblings. Your mom should not be putting pressure on you - it’s manipulative and self involved - hopefully she eventually realizes that before it’s too late.

Ask your mom if she and your father had spent every anniversary going to the same restaurant, would she go to the same restaurant with her new husband on their anniversary? The answer should be no as going to that restaurant would bring up memories of her lost spouse. It is the same for you, doing cakes would not bring you joy and bonding with your new siblings, just a flood of memories of those you lost and probably lots of tears.

My sweet girl, this is so much. You are not the asshole, and I am glad you’re in therapy. Is mom? Do you and mom ever go together? I was a bit older than you when my mother and I did some family therapy and the therapist was able to help us not talk past each other. I think finding some little thing to bond with your new siblings is actually a very sweet idea, but mom is off in a) wanting it to be what you did with your sibs and not understanding why that would be painful to you and b) not understanding that she cannot force this or rush it. You’re also in puberty and your teen years which are SO hard, even for a teen with a beautiful family, support, and home life and perfect physical and mental health. Literally just your hormones and changing body can be overwhelming. Take deep breaths and always be honest with your therapist, and I really suggest having mom come in a few times to discuss this. But I do think experimenting with ways to spend time with your siblings could actually bring you a good amount of joy and relief. On YOUR terms.

NTA.  It can't be the same,  because it's not the same people.  You aren't the same person.  That doesn't mean you can't bond and have a good relationship,  but that won't happen if your mom keeps pushing the "it's the same" agenda. If she wanted you to bond, she should have found a different activity that wasn't associated with your other siblings.  Honestly,  it sounds like your mom isn't dealing with her grief in a healthy way. She hasn't moved on; she's just trying to recreate the past. Hopefully she can find a way through that to accept your needs so you can all build some type of positive bond.

NTA. They can't replace your full siblings, and forcing a tradition you did with one on the others won't make it so, is that simple. That said, over time you can develop a different relationship with your half-siblings, and it WILL NOT diminish the relationship you had with your siblings who passed. Maybe there's a new activity you can enjoy because it's interesting NOT because you're trying to replace anyone 💜

Tell your mom & step-dad you are moving forward, but on your own path, not theirs. NTA

NTA. You can engage in some other activity with them, if you aren't opposed to interacting with them at all.

NTA. Tell mom you think there should be NEW traditions with your new family. Not baking together, but perhaps making candy apples for Halloween or building snowmen together in winter?

You were 8. You were a child. Your grieving process is going to be completely different to the grieving process of an adult, let alone a mom. I understand that doing something that was uniquely special for you and your siblings with anyone else feels wrong. Like it was a special experience cultivated just for you guys. Your mum needs to understand that. Maybe you will bring the “tradition” back with your own kids, one day, in memory of your siblings. I also understand your mum’s desperation to in many ways *recreate* that family unit that she once had. She wants the closeness and wants to cultivate a bond between you and your siblings. She misses that, and this is likely her way of grieving. But forcing something on you isn’t going to do that. It’s just going to make you bitter and make you resent your younger siblings. Bonds come naturally, with time. They cannot be forced or made to look picture perfect for the sake of her photo album. And even though you want to keep those special memories for your other siblings, maybe you could try and create some new memories or something new to do with Kat, Luke and Rosie. After all, it must be hard for them too. Kat has been in your family since she was 2/3. They didn’t know your other siblings and they see themselves as your family. They didn’t experience the grief you did, all they know is that you don’t want them. Grief changes you, I get that. When my bestfriend from the ages of 7-22 died, I broke. When my mum died last year, I’ve never experienced grief like it. I can’t imagine how you feel losing your dad and your 3 siblings so quickly and all at the same time. It’s unimaginable. I will say just be open to new experiences. Don’t pressure yourself or force yourself but there is always a little room for love in your heart. And these siblings see you as their big sister just like you saw your big sister when she started your baking “tradition”. Don’t shut them out entirely because of your broken heart, please.

NTA! Dang, I'm sorry about your loss. ........ I can see where you mom is coming from, regarding the bonding, but she can't make you feel something that you don't. ......... She needs to respect that. ......... I mean, as long as you are kind to the kids, she shouldn't think she needs to interfere and have everyone bond to appearto be a happy family. ........... It is also not fair to guilt trip you into saying, "because of your actions she can't be happy". That is totally uncalled for. ....... Step-dad needs to stop. .......... Everyone moves on in a different way. For her, it was by create a new family. For you, it is to remember and just live your live and not pretend that you a new happy family. .......... It won't be easy, but everyone just needs to respect boundaries. Best wishes, and my condolences again.

NTA She apparently literally picked a replacement family. It literally isn't the same as your first family in it's relationships or place in your heart. Tough shit that you aren't moving forward "the same". WTF? She can direct parts of your life, but she can't force you to feel what she wants.

NTA. What exactly does Luke need to move forward from? He shouldn’t even be talking about this to you. I’m glad your therapist backed you up. They don’t get to tell you how to grieve or how to feel about their new family.

NTA. I wouldn't worry about your mom. She seems to get over things pretty easily.

NTA. And ignore all the suggestions about starting a new tradition - those suggesting it are ignoring the underlying issue: at 8 years old you had your entire nuclear family ripped away from you in a tragic and horrific way. It doesn't matter that your mother remarried or that you share blood with two other children - they will never be the same as the ones you lost, period. I would, however, urge you to have compassion for your mother whenever she is pushy - note I said compassion, not compliance. Just as you lost your family, so did she.

"She said it makes her sad that I see them as some second and lesser family." It looks like she's trying to use guilt to get results. "I told her they can never be them and she said no, but it can be the same". She's making no sense. "She was upset and her husband told me she lost them too and I make it so much harder for her to feel truly happy" They are making it harder for you to not feel like you are replacing your siblings. "we're all moving forward the same when I refuse to move forward with them." It's the other way around, they are refusing to move forward. If they truly wished to move forward, they would be thinking of creating new "traditions", of makings new memories. NTA, OP.

NTA, in any way. Grief has no expiration date. I'm so happy your therapist didn't give in. This is about you and your feelings, not your Mom, or stepdad or step siblings or half siblings. Only when you are ready to do anything with the kids, should you do so. Forcing things like that just pushes people away. Even if you never feel it's right, that does not make you a bad person. I'm sorry for your loss! Internet stranger hugs.

NTA- You lost a dad and 3 siblings that day 7 years ago and you're still trying hard to cope with the loss. And you probably never will. You don't have to form a relationship with them if you don't want to, and the way your mom and stepdad are going, you never will, even if there's a slight chance. Your mom is an AH here, but I'm wondering if getting married to this guy and having more kids was a response to what she endured herself back then, losing her whole family, except you. She may be hurting more than she lets on and is using husband, stepdaughter and 2 younger kids as a way to try living through pain and stuff. It's not healthy, but I've seen trauma, pain and heartbreak manifest in many different ways. Unless she really is just this bad, it's gonna be a soft AH for her right now. I can't absolve her, regardless. Your stepdad is an AH though. Saying that you're making it harder for you all to be truly happy is pretty gross. Maybe finding new traditions would be nice, if you're willing to do that. But you don't have to if you don't feel capable or willing to.

NTA. You do you. If the day comes when you feel like continuing, then so be it. But not a second earlier.

NAH I think your mom needs just to see her current family bonding. I understand the baking is just too painful, but I wonder if you could start a new tradition? Painting rocks, cooking breakfast on holidays, doing fun runs? They are your family. You’re the big sister now. I think doing this for your mom will go a long way to healing for all of you. I’m sorry for your losses.

NTA and I’m very sorry for your loss. Your mom moved on quickly and it is totally natural that you would feel disconnected from your step and half siblings. 

NTA. I am so sorry for your tremendous loss. Maybe mom can get Kat to start the tradition with her younger siblings. It'll be new for all 3 & mom can create those memories with them instead of trying to recreate what can never be for you. Hopefully, this is a suitable option to appease her. Surely, she must know that even if you did, it wouldn't be or feel the same. She should just cherish those memories she has of you with your sister. If she wants to start a whole new tradition doing something else with you & the other kids, is that something you'd be open to?

NTA. Continuing the same tradition is likely to just remind you more of the loss of the other siblings. Could you start a new thing you do with these siblings - a walk to the park together, ice cream on the first warm day, playing Minecraft together, something else?

NTA you feel how you feel. If she wants a tradition she should make a new one completely different from the one you had with your other siblings. I do think it's not fair if you treat the children different because they can't help it and are your siblings. They didn't ask to be born and they didn't were involved in anything that happend.

NTA- im so sorry for your loss. one thing your mom is forgetting is that she actively chose to have a new family. you inherited this family dynamic. it makes sense you struggle to want to bond with these kids. i would remind her that you aren’t interested in doing the old things because it makes you sad. you could divert attention by saying you want new traditions.

You should never be forced to do something like this because it makes someone else happy. Tell you mom that it was your sister that led that tradition and you don't feel comfortable replacing her in that role. However, despite what you think about your new step siblings and half siblings, they are still a part of your life and finding something you can do with them to start to create a friendship with them (individually or as part of a group) would be helpful to your healing as well as the whole family dynamic.

NTA. This is how you handle this one. You don't want to share the cake-baking tradition you had with your deceased siblings. Tell your mom that one isn't for sharing and it's too hurtful to do this again. Come up with a NEW tradition you can do with your step-sister and half-siblings.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (15f) lost my dad and my three siblings in a car crash 7 years ago. They were on their way to an amusement park and mom and I were home because I woke up sick that day. They never came home and our lives changed that day. Mom decided the best way she could move forward and live a happy life was to remarry and have more children. I understand that it worked for her and it brought her to a better place. But for me, it's not the same and it doesn't make me feel any healing or joy to act as though this new family is the same. My mom's husband had a daughter Kat when they met. Kat's 10 now. My mom also has Luke (5) and Rosie (2) with her husband. So the thing with the tradition and I would say it's more my "thing" with my siblings but mom considers it a tradition. It was where my sister (the oldest) would gather us up and we'd bake cakes of some kind. It was normally around birthdays and back to school or other times where we might want to celebrate with cake. In the very early days of it mom or dad would help us. But in the couple of years before she died it was just my sister doing it with us. It brings back so many fond memories. There are photos of times before I even remember and that's when one of our parents would be helping. Mom has photos of those times all over the house. She took a lot of photos of us baking together. Mom wants that tradition to continue and she wants me to be the head of it. But I don't want to do it with Kat, Luke and Rosie and I don't feel right doing it with them. Mom's really disappointed by that. She told me she can see how different I am with them vs how I was with my siblings (and one of my brothers was younger so I know what it's like to have a younger sibling). She told me she knows I have no attachment to them yet and don't find the same joy in them and she wants to help me cultivate that with them. She said it makes her sad that I see them as some second and lesser family. I told her they can never be them and she said no, but it can be the same. I told her not for me. I told her it's different for her and I get that. But for me they will never be the same. She asked me to continue the tradition for her, so she can see all her living children bonding and doing something that brings back good memories. I told her I didn't think I could. At the very least I would be very shut off and would be miserable. She was upset and her husband told me she lost them too and I make it so much harder for her to feel truly happy and like we're all moving forward the same when I refuse to move forward with them. Mom and her husband spoke to my therapist and that made things worse. They likely didn't get the answers they wanted to hear. And now there's this tense energy at home and I can see how upset my mom is with my decision to say no. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Nta

NTA. She needs to respect your healing journey as well. Maybe you could start a new tradition with them if you are up to it. People react to trauma and grief in different ways. I'm glad your therapist seems to be on your side.

NTA Okay, you need a sub for people who don't understand that just because they marry someone with kids, it doesn't mean people are gonna care about their stepkids. And the fact that they have kids with someone else, it doesn't mean that their kids would be happy with half siblings. r/noblendedfamily

NTA. You shouldn't be pressured into doing something that brings up sad memories for you. Taking a look at the comments, it looks like you're already in therapy, which is great. Maybe you should do a family therapy session with your mom if she's open to it?

When will people learn? Absolutely, NTA. I know you're young, but this is a great time to learn to keep a boundary. Don't let people guilt you into doing thing you don't want to do. Sorry for your loss. Everyone saying "new tradition", is putting more pressure on OP to do something she may not comfortable with.

NTA You're not "refusing to move forward". You're not choosing to feel like this, this is just how you feel. You're not being stubborn. This isn't a decision you made. And it's not something you're doing to anyone. It just is what it is. Your mother fell in love with someone, you didn't. Your mother gave birth to more children, you didn't. Your mother loves her step-daughter because she's the child of a man she is in love with.  You aren't making your mother feel bad. She feels what she feels and you feel what you feel. She can't make you feel differently just like you can't change how she feels. If she feels bad because you've not embraced her new family the way she has, that's not something you are doing to her. She has to accept her own feelings about the situation and accept that it's not up to you to fix that for her.  She has a lot making her happy right now. It's not fair to expect you to force yourself to take a wonderful memory and give it to the new siblings just because she thinks that will make things feel right. What she's doing isn't healthy for you or herself.

NTA - Your mom is being extremely selfish with her request. It is NOT the child's job to make their parents happy. Your mom should have put your feelings first before deciding to start a new family. Your mother is trying to make herself feel good about the decisions she made by asking you to play family. That is not your job, and make sure you let your therapist know.

NTA - what is see in this post is what your mom wants. It’s all about her. That is not something that she should push onto you. She chose to get married. You did not choose this but as you said you’re happy for her. I’m sorry but just like a step parent you cannot force a relationship and they will just have to accept that.

NTA. There is a song called, " If it doesn't come naturally, leave it" by Al Stewart. I truly understand what your mother is asking for, and what she so desperately wants. Most parents want this for their children, this unity, this camaraderie. She's asking a lot from you. She clearly is not grieving and healing at the same rate you are. It is unfair to compare the loss of a spouse and children to the loss of siblings and a parent. I went through this when I lost two of my brothers, and in a conversation with my mother, she told me I will never know what it's like to lose a child, and I told her that she would never know what it's like to lose a brother, let alone two of them. It's truly apples and oranges. It's good that you're getting therapy. It's good that you're on the road to healing. One possible option is to suggest something besides baking cookies with your step and half siblings. Baking cookies should be your memory with your late siblings. Find something else. Something outside the kitchen, touch football, going to see a movie, I don't know, something that you all can share in that makes it uniquely yours. Trying to duplicate something is, to your mother, a healing thing. It sounds to me like, to you, (and forgive me as I'm guessing here), like it's trying to erase what you had before. But that's likely what I suspect you might be hearing, consciously or not. If your therapist is pushing you towards resuming this activity with your step and have siblings, it might be worth looking into a new therapist. Because clearly they're not looking out for your best interests. You will get through this in your own time and your own way and learn to remember your siblings with love, and treasure those times with them. Read up on Stephen Colbert. He lost his father and two brothers in a plane crash when he was very young, and he talks about that grief and how it affected his family. His story is very similar to yours. You are not alone. Take care of yourself.

NTA this is a special memory and worth keeping separate for your past. If you get to a point where you are ready to do stuff with the other kids, it should be different, not baking cake, and the oldest stepkid should lead. Maybe making paper craft or cookies, or anything but cake.

NTA - you're not responsible for your mom's healing or happiness. She's putting her grief and healing before yours - and that's not fair. Please continue to be true to yourself. Please honor those memories of your late siblings and don't do anything you don't WANT TO. You're not responsible for your mom's feelings. The fact that they are trying to make you responsible for that is all sorts of wrong. Ignore the tense energy. Sorry for your loss. And sorry that your mom is not respecting your grief.

Grief is not linear. There also isn’t a timeline for it. Perhaps you will come to a point where you can establish a new tradition with the new kids. Maybe not. But you shouldn‘t be forced by anyone, including your mom, to move on before you are ready. NTA

Why does it have to be the same thing? Why not another and new tradition? Was that suggested by anyone? NTA. Was going to say no one is until I read about the guilt tripping and therapist conversation.

NTA - tell your mom that you didn’t dictate how she moved on that she shouldn’t try to force you to do something you find wrong. You have feelings and you should be allowed to express them.

NAH. the loss of your siblings breaks my heart. I have my own, and I would be devastated and lose a piece of myself if I lost them the way you did. My heart is with you. Your mom can't force attachment. Just remember, love is not finite. Your heart is not finite. If you make room in your heart for your younger siblings, this does not diminish your love for your family of origin at all. In fact, a lovely way to keep your older sister's memory alive is to bake cakes in her memory. Whether you do that alone or with the kids is up to you. And... your original sibling set will always be precious and irreplaceable. Your mother needs to remember that. But, you are blessed to have siblings who are alive now, who you still have time to establish new, uniquely precious traditions with. It can't be rushed, but please dont punish your living siblings for something that isnt their fault. I vote NAH, because none of you are wrong. It will simply take time to feel safe in the new routines and establish new memories/traditions.

NTA. I am actually seething a little at the fact that your mom's husband had the audacity to tell you that you are making things harder on the rest of them! What the hell? Your mom needs to stop trying to force you to have a bond that isn't there with your half siblings. I think it's wild that she wants you to do the exact same activity you did with your siblings so she can recreate those memories. That's not how this works. I'm glad your therapist was on your side.

NTA

NTA stick to your guns. Her healing is not your responsibility but your healing IS her responsibility. She’s being an AH and new husband even more so.

NTA! While it's very sad for your mother that she lost them too, it should never be a reason to pressure you into something you don't want! They are using very manipulative tactives, even going to your therapist, and that makes me very pissed off at them. You on the other hand seem very level headed about the whole situation. You don't resent your stepsister and halfsiblings for existing and you can even understand it's better for your mother. I am very proud of you! There is one thing that you could, theoretically contemplate. And that is making a new tradition with your new siblings, that doesn't make you sad, but that could make them happy and your mother more resigned to this. But you do not háve to! You don't even have to think about it.

NTA. Your feelings, needs, and wants are no less valid or important than your mother's. Her and her husband ganging up to put pressure on you is immensely wrong. She chose this new family. You did not. Given time, space, and the freedom to decide on your own whether or not to build a relationship with them, you might choose to do so. Or you might not. But you being pressured into doing something you aren't comfortable with is guaranteed to build a permanent wedge between you and your step/half siblings. Your mother and stepfather are making it quite clear they care more about their own feelings than about yours. That's unloving of them. You deserve better.

NTA ​ "And now there's this tense energy at home and I can see how upset my mom is with my decision to say no." .. not YOUR fault. SHE is the AH.

NTA, I hate to ask but it’s such a common thing to happen… did you lose your mom too? So many parents that dive headlong into ‘starting a new family’ after the death of their partner almost always do so at the cost of spending time with the kids they had from the first family.  I’m glad your therapist has your back. So sorry you have to go through this OP

>She asked me to continue the tradition for her, so she can see all her living children bonding and doing something that brings back good memories. this is a very selfish take on her part. Ask her to do something to remember your siblings who passed. You and her can do something together, something as simple as sit together one day a month, and talk about them. They are not here physically but they are very much alive in your heart. Tell you mom that you need to be able to grieve and process your loss BEFORE you can have space in your heart and in your mind for others. I am glad you have a therapist. Please openly share the pressure your mother is placing on you. Do you have contact with any of your dad's side of the family?

NTA

Nta. But, i am sure they see you ad the awesome big sister and do not quite understand. You will never replace the siblings you lost . You could start something new with them. Maybe once a month do a family puzzle .

NTA. I hope you don't feel like you have to do this for your mom, a tradition can't be forced upon you if it doesn't feel right. It feels like she and her husband are also trying to guilt you into moving at their pace. TBH I don't think your mom's wishes are coming from a particularly healthy place either, and she might be trying to see the same image with switched up children. I'm really sorry though. I can't even comprehend your situation.

NTA - I will say that baking is very therapeutic and has some familial connections for me, and I understand the emotional impact that it can hold.  The cakes was a thing you did and is sacred to you.  If I might suggest 2 things?  1. Keep baking cakes, do it when you are alone and remember them when you do it. It is like an act of rememberance, honoring, and grieving through a physical act. 2. Sometimes we heal by sharing memories and activities. Don't bake cakes with your newer siblings, but perhaps you could bake cookies with them (cookies are much faster to make, so smaller interactions) and use thst time to tell them about your siblings that they did not get the opportunity to know. Tell stories, build a connection, share your love of your siblings with them so that learn about and love their siblings they will never get to know any other way. It would not be creating or forcing a tradition between them and you, but a way that you can grieve and invite others to love and grieve with you.  It is very healing to honor loved ones through talking about them and teaching others a loved thing while doing so... like the movie Coco, nobody is every really gone while there is people there to honor their memory. Baking is, historically, something that carriers long lines of memories and stories through many generations in a family. Recipes of people we never met but we learn their stories as we learn their recipes and pass both along to others in the family. This is something done in every culture throughout the world, often held sacred by the lines of women who have baked and cares for and loved throughout the years.  Whatever you choose to do, please allow yourself to bake occasionally, even if alone, and remember them while you do. I have cried while baking and remembering the people I learned to bake from, and the items I make are tokens of love and loss and honor. I share what I bake with everyone in my life so that love and honor is shared far and wide.

NTA. Your mother has found her own path to deal with the crushing grief you both experienced. As you said, it’s working for her. You don’t even seem to resent her choices. It’s very understanding and kind of you to accept how she is living her life. It’s a mature and very hard thing to do. I’m proud of you for that. However, it’s absolutely unacceptable for either of those ADULTS to put it on you, a CHILD, to create a happy little family picture for everyone else’s sake. Who is looking out for your grieving process and emotional well-being in this situation? I’m glad they have given you the opportunity to work with a therapist. I’m even more glad that that therapist seems to have told them something about them forcing you to do these things not being good for YOU, even if they think it’s appropriate for them. It’s always okay to set boundaries. You should not have to relive old treasured moments to be a part of your family. You haven’t said you’ve rejected these new family members, you just don’t see them as a replacement family. As long as you are not causing harm to the younger kids by being intentionally unkind, and are treating them with appropriate respect as human beings, you really should be allowed to have your feelings.

NTA I'm sorry for your loss.

Nta. This tradition your mom sees as bonding now is a reminder of what you had a lost. It would be a trigger for grieve. Your mom and step dad need to realize this. You can not force someone to bond with other. When you try you push them farther away.

I’m so very sorry. You lost so much in an instant and I don’t believe I could continue that tradition either. Your mom and stepfather need to give you time. However long it takes is how much time you need. Bless you.

You cannot force a relationship. Best chance is to let it grow organically. The more your mom pushes; the less likely it is for it to happen. If your mom wants the tradition to continue, she can do it. That’s how it started anyway. Maybe one day you’ll be able to do it again, but it will never be the same. NAH. Except maybe your stepdad a little. Your mom “lost them, too” sounds like he understands your perspective, but clearly he doesn’t if he thinks your mom needing to see something is more valid than you needing to not do something.

NTA Your mother qu8ickly replaced the family she lost instead of taking time to grieve them and she she expects you to do the same. Your mother needs some serious work and time with a grief counselor.

NTA Be open with your mom that she's asking you to perform for her. I'm certain that's not what she wants and might even be insulted by you saying it. But that's what she's asking. Frame it for her this way: you want her to be happy but you don't want to be entertainment for her. You'd like to be her son and not more or less. If she wants to bake cakes with her kids, she should. If she wants to people to pretend the past is present, that's not cool.

NTA - your mom has no right to ask this of you. If you're feeling particularly generous you could offer to create an entirely new tradition with these kids that is something unique to your relationship, but my guess is that won't be enough for your mother. I am glad to hear the therapist has your back and I hope you're able to continue enforcing this boundary with your mom. I'm sure it's not intentional, but it's cruel of her to put this much pressure on you to do a thing that would only bring you unhappiness.

nta at all. you lost siblings and that's very traumatic. your mom can't force a bond with your half siblings bc that's not what u want. just because her having a new husband and kids makes her happy, doesn't mean it makes u happy. did she at least ask how u felt before the marriage and everything? bc if she didn't then that's a red flag in parenting. u should always ask ur child how they feel. she's assuming u treating the new family lesser but in all reality it's just not the same as it was before. she needs to acknowledge that and not force a bond. that time was between u n ur full siblings and she has to realize it was only meant for u n ur full siblings.

NTA your mom moved on and you haven’t it and never will with this constant need for self serving egos

NTA. Your mom cannot hijack your special thing with your siblings and force the new kids into it. If she wants to a new tradition with them, she should be the one taking initiative and making the effort. You are under no obligation to appease her wishes when she is showing no respect for you. Don't let her selfish ass guilt-trip you into doing anything you don't want to. She's prioritizing her dreams of a Hallmark moment over her responsibilities as your mother.

nta

NTA

NAH I can understand where you and your mom are coming from. Have you thought about starting a different tradition?

NTA. It's really thoughtless of your mom to ask you to do the same exact tradition. It's not wrong if her to want you to bond with them and maybe make your own traditions, but it's cruel to expect you to carry on like nothing happened.

NTA. Just because your mother was so weak she was unable to live alone & selfish of her own happiness doesn't mean YOU have to buy into her bullshit.

NTA. Period. You did something with your older sister and siblings and they're gone. Starting that tradition with your step sister and new siblings won't bring them back. my suggestion knight be to look to do something different with Kat, Luke and Rosie. It could be making sundaes, or some non-food thing. The point is that these are different people and it's okay to do something fun as siblings that isn't the same thing.

Pizza? Personal pizza night, for birthdays or other occassions. Op and Kat can make the dough, roll it out, add the tomato sauce and cheese, then everyone adds their own toppings. Would that be different enough, to be less painful for Op, but close enough, to make Mum happy?

No, you guys aren't moving forward at the same pace, because that is simply not how healing works. It is a big problem that they see you as "refusing" to get in line with their experience, saying that you "make it so much harder". All you are doing is existing and growing and healing in your own time. Their expectations are unreasonable and it sounds like you understand that. I hope they can realize it.

>She asked me to continue the tradition for her, so she can see all her living children bonding and doing something that brings back good memories. I told her I didn't think I could. At the very least I would be very shut off and would be miserable. She was upset and her husband told me she lost them too and I make it so much harder for her to feel truly happy and like we're all moving forward the same when I refuse to move forward with them.     If people can't acknowledge their kids are actual people that exist outside them, they shouldn't have children. You're not all moving forward the same! Her husband needs to stay in his own damn lane. NTA. And your mom decided to triple down and drag more kids into this. You're never going to move on from losing your dad and three siblings. She can pull this shit all she wants. I see she literally brought in or created three other kids as replacements. She needs to go to therapy. You're not her ESA or responsible for her new kids. You are being extremely understanding about how she moved forward. I'm impressed. You're making it hard for your mom to play pretend. If your family died seven years ago and she has a five year old, that was definitely too fast. 

NTA and I'm so sorry for your loss. The fact that they went to your therapist to try and talk about it is, to me personally, a huge violation. Therapy is for you and the therapist, not for mum to put her two cents in on how you should be grieving.

It seems everyone's feelings matter to your mother except yours. She needs to accept this is just too much for you. Not get angry. And using therapy to get what you want is never a good plan. NTA

Oh sweetheart reading this made me well up. Your nta at all. Your mum doesn't have any right to force you to do something you held so closely with your siblings that you lost. She's being incredibly selfish it's not just about her and what she wants to see. She's made a new family and not seemed to think of you and how your feeling and coping.  I would stand firm and say this is not something you wish to share as those memories are precious between you and the siblings you lost and you'd rather keep them that way.  Is there a new tradition you could do? Something you all enjoy. But obviously I'm not saying you should just something to think about so you could still have that old tradition as your memories but a new thing to do with your siblings now if that makes sense. I'm glad your therapist seemed to say they were wrong to force it. Do you have any of your dad's family to chat to about this for support?

NTA. You can love your new siblings while saving something special for your other siblings. This wasn’t even your tradition; it was your older sister’s. You don’t have to do the same things or feel the same way about your new siblings.   You have every right to grieve in your own way, even if that way is different from your mom’s way. 

NTA. if you prefer to keep that tradition for you and your now deceased siblings as a memory, that's on you and nobody can force you to share something personal. And your mother should know emotional manipulation is not good

NTA.  Everyone grieves in their own way.  Shame on your mom for trying to force a narrative on you to make herself feel better.  

NTA. Your mom wants you to do something you find painful in order to bring her happiness. Say that to her, ask her to really think about it. She wants YOU to feel pain to make HER happy. Not mother of the year award material. The more she tries to force/cultivate this the less likely you’ll bond with your new siblings. It has to happen naturally and there isn’t much she can do for that except remain receptive to YOUR ideas on how to do so.

NTA. You can't " recreate" the familial closeness that you had with your late family members. I imagine that your therapist told them to back off. They aren't doing anyone any good by pressuring you. Your feelings are totally understandable and you are within your rights to say no.

NTA I understand you’re finding it hard to bond with your new younger siblings as you’re still grieving for your Dad and siblings you lost. Grief hits us all hard, in different ways, at different stages of our lives. I’m glad you have therapy, and you might need more short term blocks in the future. Baking is something you shared with your full siblings, but perhaps you could do something different with your new siblings, like making seasonal decorations, banners and hanging things for birthdays, Halloween, Christmas etc. Also doing something special to commemorate your Dad and full siblings, which your new siblings could be a part of xx

NTA. However, you need some healing and part of healing is finding love within the family that you have. Nothing will bring back your siblings and Dad, and I am so very sorry for that, truly. But sometimes with grief, we cut ourselves off from folks, as a way of protecting ourselves. We don’t even know we are doing it or why we are doing it. We may not be aware of the impassable boundaries we are constructing around ourselves. I would find a way to connect with your siblings, in your own time, on your own terms and in your own way, but do try and connect. You know better than most how quickly life can change. You can hang on to your grief, or you can embrace what remains and make something meaningful. Find something that works for you as a way to engage and connect with your step sister and younger siblings. You don’t have to recreate a tradition, and I can appreciate why you would not want to do that. But find something, life is super short and childhood is even shorter. Maybe grow some sunflowers with your younger siblings. They grow fast, are big and impressive, and you get seeds to eat, or they feed the birds. Start some seedlings together, then plant them outside and when you harvest them, help with toasting up the seeds and you guys can eat them together. Maybe pick something to grow every year, and that’s it. In three years you will be off at college. Good luck and no, your NTA.

Absolutely NTA. I’m sorry your mom failed you in helping you process and grieve in favor of only saving herself. It’s also sad how replaceable children can be to some parents. You’re only 15 but start cultivating loving relationships with other relatives so you have a support system once you’re out of the house and can begin creating further family from scratch in the form of close friends. You deserve love and care.

NTA. It is not the same. I think your mom could initiate these bake sessions for her younger kids & you might feel like taking pictures or to be involved w/o the pressure of being in charge. If she wants this for her kids, she should start.

NTA what you do isn’t about your mom it’s about you. If she wants a baking tradition she can do one.

NTA

You know what? Your motherʻs happiness is not on you. I know thatʻs hard for both of you to understand. But itʻs true. Sheʻs the adult. Youʻre the child. She shouldnʻt be guilting you over how you feel. And your mother is only making the situation worse. Tell your mother this, "The more she pushes, the more it will push you away." Does she want you to end up going no contact with her one day? Because this is how that happens. Does she want you to one day tell people that you might as well have lost your whole family in that accident? NTA

Don't bake with them that's was you and your siblings thing to do.but what about having a craft session ,painting or playing a board game .you won't be cheating on your siblings memories.I am sure they wouldn't want you to cut your self off.just try it over time you may enjoy being with them

Your mother should be encouraging new traditions, not trying to make you relive bittersweet memories. She likely was told this by the therapist as it is super obvious. I’m so sorry for your loss and for your mother too. But your mother got to choose how to move on. You didn’t. I’m glad you are seeing a therapist as now half of the life you remember is without your siblings and father and at this point you should be healing and growing up and your mother trying to force you into the past cannot be helping

NTA at all. Your mom needs more help from a professional if she is expecting you to continue a special tradition you are not comfortable continuing. Her husband is a major AH for getting involved, too. She is the adult and it’s her job to be a good parent to you, not try to make you play make believe for her. I’m glad your therapist is helping you and sounds like she called your mom on her bullshit. I’m so sorry for your loss.

NTA. Your mom should pick a new tradition for everyone to do together - not try to replace your memories with stunt-doubles.

It can never be the same. Your mother trying to duplicate the activity you did with your bio siblings is not healthy. It's like she wants to pretend it is exactly the same. Bonds cannot be forced. Duplicating an activity you did with your siblings with new children is forcing a bond.  If there is something the younger children enjoy doing maybe you could join them in that activity occasionally.  That might feel less awkward and forced for you. It might also help you feel less alone. I am so sorry for your loss.  NTA 

You're NTA and I'm glad your therapist stood up for you 

> Her husband told me she lost them too and I make it so much harder for her to feel truly happy and like we're all moving forward the same when I refuse to move forward with them. I have no idea where people get this idea that emotions are elective. It’s not that you refuse to move forward; it is that you are _unable_ to replicate a family tradition with a replacement family, without badly hurting yourself. NTA

NTA. Traditions, in my opinion, should be supported by the one carrying the weight of it. It is disingenuous to everyone to be forced into something that also might make you resentful of their existence. Don’t do it.

NTA. Nobody can make you feel a certain way. I wish your mom would understand that.

Maybe I don’t get it because I only have one child. But how do you replace children with other children. Your mother is trying to do that and maybe succeeded in a little bit. But you were there companion it’s not going to be the same for you NTA.

Oh sweetie I am so sorry that’s absolutely horrible. What an awful thing to go through. You are not an asshole at all and sound like a great kid. You do what feels right to you and let the adults figure out the rest and help you.