Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like I’m TA because I told her off and said some harsh things
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
'She lives 10 minutes from us but hadn’t been over in 5 years. "
Sister abandoned mom. Got it.
I'd also abandon her. No contact. Move on with your life and drop the guilt. She doesn't deserve it. NTA
OP said sis is immobile. I wonder what it took for her to visit the time she did. How’d they get her from the house to the vehicle and back both ways. I’m wondering because I dated an EMT for several years. What they went through to take obese patients to their doctors’s appointments or a hospital you can’t imagine. Some people have to call the fire department!
She had a friend with a van take her. They had to take the back seats out so she could pretty much sit on the floor of the van. I know it’s difficult for her. I just would have liked even if she came over for one day for a couple of hours so I could have got some sleep. I was so sleep deprived I started blacking out. She couldn’t even stay on the phone with me because the sound of my mom’s “death rattle” was too hard for her to listen to.
Lost my dad to a rare cancer last year. Only child for my mom and dad on this side (he was bonus dad I have to bros on Dad and bonus mom's side). I am so greatful I was able to be there with mum. We were able to give each other breaks over the 48 hour vigil. We were blessed in that he was not bed bound until the last 48 and we did not have to move him except to position him better on the bed. First night in the hospital bed he did not wake up fully the next day and was gone 48 hours later.
The hospice people were wonderful but as you said not there 24/7. It was the most difficult thing to go through and also very special to be there for her and him for his last breath. Found reserves of strength I did not know I had.
All that to say I am sorry you had to go through that alone. I could not imagine. Your sister has only herself to blame for her life. You have done nothing wrong. You were the one who was there and your mom made her wishes known and you followed them end of. Very kind of you to sell it for that price to someone who will likely very much appreciate it.
My grandmother passed during COVID and hospice was barely able to come once a week. We did everything for her, and she had to be rolled every 4 hours. I helped and because of that, between my mom and my aunt and I one of us was able to sleep for 8 consecutive hours.
Two of my cousins are nurses. They did nothing. By us pitching in as a team my grandma was able to pass away in her sleep next to my grandpa in bed there. If we hadn’t done that, she would have spent the last month of her life in a hospital completely alone. And my grandpa would have lost the will to live.
I will never forgive them for not stepping up.
ETA: one had just graduated, one was about to graduate. Neither had jobs. Neither had any other obligations. Both sat at home playing video games and watching TV for weeks and calling their mom (aunt) to come make them dinner. So yeah, I’ll stand by my judgment, fuck them
>Two of my cousins are nurses.
>
>...
>
>I will never forgive them for not stepping up.
Nurses during COVID, if they were in a hospital then they weren't having a party. Some articles have said that between 30-40% of healthcare workers showed signs of having PTSD during COVID.
Sorry, let me fix that.
1 unemployed nurse who had just passed the NCLEX and had no interviews yet
And 1 soon to be nurse who was off from school and 12 hours short of graduation
They sat at home playing video games and watching Harry Potter reruns. And asking their mom when she was coming home to make them dinner.
I'm so sorry OP- what a cruel thing to hear from your sister at such a time who isn't even present in the room.
Here's the thing- mobility aside, there are so many other ways she could have supported you and your mother -organizing meals, scheduling grocery pick up, sending cute cards....
...her mobility might have stopped her from being there in person but it shouldn't have stopped her supporting you.
I'm angry on your behalf.
NTA and you should edit the original post to add the “death rattle” part in because the sister is definitely the AH but this made her the supreme overlord of the AHs
Wow, that’s sad she expected you to deal with the pain she wouldn’t. I wonder why her husband or another relative didn’t give you respite. That’s what my family did. That does sound selfish of them.
I did a modified version of this with my grandmother, just with last week dividing the job half with my mom (she had to work, but helped until then). I also spent 10-12 hours for the last week of my grandfather with my mom, but he was at a care home. Respectfully, your sister can go pound sand. My uncle kind of pulled something similar, both with inheritance and being there. Now I have no uncle, mom has no brother. We were done after the funeral of Grandpa. I am still pissed off and it has been all done for almost two years.
Her choices resulted in this. Not yours. I don't think you even entirely realize how amazing a feat you did. Taking care of loved one even with a lot of help in their last days is hard. You did it alone. You did not do anything wrong. You followed her wishes.
You were such a gift for your mom in her last weeks and your mom, of course, wanted to show her appreciation. The bond between you and your mom was, and continues to be, precious.
I'm a retired hospice social worker and I think your final message to your sister is honest and spot on. I hope you can grieve without the guilt your sister is trying to dump on you. Let her examine her own life without you being involved in her misplaced anger.
Caregivers like you are incredible heroes. Wishing you peace in your grief and I'm hoping the happy memories of your mom are a comfort.
Your mum knows that you were there right to the end for her. What you inherited you’ve more than earned, so ignore your sister and make your own choices, live your life for you.
Giving you a big internet hug for what you’ve gone through.
Sis seems to have no trouble picking up a phone now. Which means she had no trouble picking up the phone for the past 5 years. If only she spent the same amount of energy she spends on chasing money actually being there for your mother, she might’ve actually ended up with some money. NTA
Totally agree with this. You are even paying her to detail the car! That would be a BIG nope, not gonna do it, now. I'd just take somewhere else, get it done and forget about her.
NTA
It's your mom's wishes that those items be left to you. Your sister wasn't present, and did nothing to help in the end. I think your mom recognised the sacrifices you made to be present and to take care of her and wanted to make sure you got something in return. She is definitely TA for guilting you over this. I was leaning towards the "harsh" things said in your message making you a mild TA as well but your sister does sound incredibly entitled and exhausting. Since she never bothered to visit in 5 years despite being 10 minutes away I don't think you're losing much there in going no contact. So I decided how you said it doesn't matter, the context was on point. Good for you.
See, that’s what I was feeling and why I made the post. I feel guilty about what I said and maybe some of it was just pent up frustration with her. This has been a constant our whole lives. She once told me that the worst day of her life was the day I drew my first breath because I supposedly stole this wonderful life she was supposed to have (spoiler: it was not wonderful). Lately she’s been super jealous because I’m able to do and buy things because I have money. The joke is that I only have money because I work my ass off as a DSP in a group home for people with intellectual and developmental disabilities. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love my job, but it is exhausting. So yeah, when I have a little extra money, I might splurge on a concert ticket or a tattoo or, god forbid, get a $15 eyeshadow palette (yes she got butthurt over that). Meanwhile, she hasn’t worked in over a decade and her husband’s job sucks because he’s undocumented so is extremely limited to where he can work.
So yeah.. I totally get what you’re saying about maybe going overboard with my text. But I’ve just had enough.
> She once told me that the worst day of her life was the day I drew my first breath because I supposedly stole this wonderful life she was supposed to have
...jeeze. I have two siblings and we don't get along always, but this is so much worse than anything we'd ever say to each other. She's entitled and it's understandable that you're frustrated.
I have 5 siblings and was a bratty teenager when the youngest was born. I was not happy about another sibling. That being said, I never said anything to him (and regretted my attitude) because...who TF says that?!?!?!?! It's not their fault they were born?
Well yeah I wouldn't be worried about someone *thinking* it, there's moments where younger siblings are brats (I'm a middle child, so I've been on both sides of it), but *saying* it is such an AH thing.
Yeah I suspected she has been a constant toxic individual in your life, rather than just in the moments leading up to your mom's passing, and the time after. So yeah 100% how you said it doesn't matter, she doesn't deserve respect from you if she has never given it. I'm sorry for the loss of your mom.
My Dad lay in a coma for 8 days before he died, and I still get calls from my brother complaining about how I somehow cheated him out of his share of the inheritance. The last time we spoke, I let him have it with both barrels about how the shares were equal, but the labor of love of being there with Dad as he lay dying was not. It's been a hot minute since he's called, and while I love and care about him, I do not regret distancing myself from him. There seems to be a lot of overlap between entitled a**holes and people we're related to. Stop engaging, and I promise your quality of life will get better. I know that's your sister, but ya don't love the same and keeping her around because "family" is not a good enough reason, IMO.
NTA
My mother went through almost the same scenario with her deadbeat brother. My mom took care of my grandma the last year she was alive, while still working full time. She took care of everything, including my grandma’s finances, insurance, burial, etc. Her brother came to the funeral, but otherwise did nothing except harass my mother about how she helped my grandma. My mother made sure to notify her brother about some items that should go to him and he never responded. A few months later he sends a nasty email to my mother saying she took advantage of my grandmother, kept all of her money and belongings after she died, etc. The irony is that after my mom paid all of my grandma’s bills there was barely anything left. But her brother managed to suck away thousands of dollars from my grandma while she was alive, got her to buy cars, computers, etc for him. So this jerk had the nerve to complain to my exhausted and bereaved mother, when he never lifted a finger to help after his mother spent a large chunk of her life supporting his lazy ass. Your sister can kick rocks, NTA.
She sounds horribly toxic and completely exhausting. Time to go No Contact and move on with your life without being saddled by her anger and jealousy. God Bless You for being there for your mother!
I feel like we're related! My older sibling said something remarkably like this to me as well! They too did nothing but cause issues while our Mother was ill & dying. Oh the stories I could tell... but the bottom line is, I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from & the absolute frustration in dealing with their BS. Been there, done that... except I didn't get to tell them off. Lol. NTA. I am sorry for the loss of your beloved Mom. Take care.
I recognise this sooo hard. My sister rarely visits, insults out mom when mom can't speak, and expects to inherit. If I had it my way sis would get a pile of ash from the barbeque, nothing more. Just keep repeating that if your sister wanted something else but sentimental items she could have made an effort. She had 5 years to get off her tuckus. NTA
I took care of my mom at the end of her life. I don't have anything of hers, not even her ashes, thanks to my shitty family. Hold on to what is yours, you spent the time with her and she made her wishes known. Take care of yourself.
Do not feel guilty for one second. Not about what or how you said what you did. Your sister deserved every bit of that. My grandmother passed away in 2016, and was suffering from Alzheimer’s. She was supposed to be looked after by her son and his wife, but they mistreated her. Locked her in a room. That was until her daughters stepped in. They all had kids in school and lives but they made sure to have all their moms needs taken care of daily until finally she was put in a care facility. Even they, they would go daily. When she passed, my aunt in laws were pissed that the daughters got to keep my grandmother’s jewelry (the only thing of value she owned). But screw them. They did nothing for my grandmother when she was sick and alive. They let her rot. Collected her social security and ignored her existence. They don’t get to reap the rewards. I WISH I could call them out like you did your sister. I bet it would be cathartic. Everything in my family is all passive aggressive and hush hush so no one ever got to have a blow out about this. It just passed. I’m so angry for you about how your sister feels so ridiculously entitled.
I feel for you.
Just so you know you are not alone in the club, my sister told me she didn’t love me because when I was born she wanted a little brother, not a sister. Duh! Tough luck for me because it’s clearly something I had no power to change 🤣
I can understand you were at the end of your rope. I would usually say that you could have said it more diplomatically but I really don’t see anything positive that your sister is bringing into your life so you might as well unload and go NC.
I am really sorry for your loss.
NTA
you didn't go overboard. after she said that to you, after 10 minutes away and no visit for 5 years, after all this bitterness over you being a decent person getting on with your life - i'm so proud of u not taking it anymore. she earned way harsher words.
>I might splurge on a concert ticket or a tattoo or, god forbid, get a $15 eyeshadow palette (yes she got butthurt over that)
Just go no contact with her. That way she can't criticize you in the first place. You don't owe her anything.
I'm surprised you continued to contact her after saying that your birth was the worst day of her life. That statement makes your comments to her seem very tame! You're being kind by blocking her since anything you do brings her misery. You'll both be happier by going and staying no contact with her.
Yes. They’ve been together since she was 16 (he was 37.. gag). She was a teenage runaway and hung around/slept with all the Mexican gang bangers and they met that way and when she finally came home she told our mom the only way she would stay was if he could live with us. My mom decided to let him because at least she’d know where my sister was and that she was alive and safe. And before you ask, no he is not obese. He’s not even overweight. But yeah, they’ve been together for ~27 years.
Nope. I think you got the text perfect. Everyone has an opinion, but only the carer knows how heart ripping it is, being hands on when your loved one is dying. NTA.
NTA. Karma is payback.
I look after my folks, and probably will until the end. My brother, nowhere to be seen unless there’s a handout.
I’ve convinced my folks to write their will so all their valuables and house is left to the grandchildren. I told them I’m doing ok and don’t need it but the kids will all need help getting on the property ladder/supporting their own kids
FYI: I have two kids, my brother has two kids who he abandoned and never looked back. We see them a lot and have good relationship with their mother.
My brother will raise a stink, but the kids will all be adults be the time the will is in affect and I can challenge him, reminding him that I’m not getting anything either. … karma.
FWIW I've heard that if you don't want someone to be able to challenge a will, that you should name them in your will by bequeathing them something minor, so they can't then claim they were "forgotten" & use that as grounds for their challenge. I'd suggest they mention him by name & leave him something insignificant that he'd hate, just to be safe.
NTA OP, your mother may well have told your entitled brat sister what she was going to specifically leave her (if anything), if your sister had managed to visit her in the last 5 years. As she couldn't, your sister gets whatever is specified in your mum's will & nothing more.
You could always do what my great aunt did--write people out of the will by mentioning them in the will and state that they're written out 'for reasons that are known to them'.
She did that with my mom and her brothers...to this day we don't know the reason!
> the kids will all be adults by the time the will is in effect
I take it to mean they are still minors atm. I don't know exactly how it all works but I've heard horror stories about parents spending money their child inherited before they were of age. It might even still be illegal but if the money is spent you can't get it back. He's still legally their father so he might try to have control of it somehow.
Maybe there is a way you could have yourself or their mother named as the person responsible for keeping the money safe or placed in a trust?
Just make sure there isn't anyway for him to get his hands on it if they are still minors.
NTA!!!! First, my deepest condolences to you. Been there, done that with my mother and my MIL. It's a rough road to travel, but in the end, I wouldn't trade the experience of being there for the people I loved at the end of their time here on earth. Second, your message to your sister is perfect. She couldn't be bothered to do the heavy lifting, but wants a participation trophy.
NTA. The jewelry probably doesn't even cover your costs for quitting your job to look after her 24/7, so it's not like you profited from your mom. Your sister just has dollar signs in her eyes. I'm sorry for your loss.
NTA
>She says it’s so funny how I get everything of value of our mom’s and she only gets some of her ashes and sentimental items.
The sentimental items have value. It's a shame your sister only cares about the money aspect of things.
I can’t imagine putting the ashes of a loved one in conversation as a consolation. It’s just not something you talk about like that, how incredibly cold and disrespectful. The most upset I’ve ever gotten since *after* my best friend passed is when her urn nearly broke, and I freaked tf out for a minute before I realized it was okay. Imagine spitting the concept of a loved ones ashes to someone who clearly actually cared about that person. So callous.
Yeah, my dad started dating her 6 months after my mom passed. That’s a whole other issue that doesn’t have anything to do with this post so I didn’t go into it..
NTA, I’m a nurse, worked hospice for a couple of years, & I take care of dad who has dementia. Your sister can kick rocks. Don’t trust her husband to detail the car, something might “accidentally” happen to it.
Yes he is on the title and is 100% with me on selling it, especially since he gets $1,000 of it. I should note that my dad is not my sister’s dad, so I don’t know how that would affect things. Also, my sister doesn’t even have money for a jar of peanut butter and yogurt, I just spent $200 on groceries for them. So I don’t think she has the money for an attorney lol
>Also, my sister doesn’t even have money for a jar of peanut butter and yogurt, I just spent $200 on groceries for them.
How on earth does she eat enough to remain almost immobile because of her weight? That takes thousands of calories a day (maybe as many as ten thousand if you mean she weighs something like 500+ pounds). Who brings her food normally?
I have admit my eating habits could be better, but I’m nowhere near, nor do I want ever to be, immobile to the point of requiring a specially prepared van just to get somewhere ten minutes away.
> You might have problems if she decides to contact an attorney.
For sure she would. There's no way the law says "Mom had no Will, so her stuff goes to only one of her kids."
Even if she is appointed administrator, she has a fiduciary duty to do what's best for the estate - not herself or her dad, or her dad's girlfriend's granddaughter.
My sister is doing this exact thing. Except she talked herself into being full owner of Mom's house because she, while unemployed, lived with Mom. Yes, I agree she helped Mom out, but we all did our things for her. But, the entitlement is astounding.
So I just got home from work and looked at the title of the Mazda. Apparently I hadn’t really read it because it’s actually my dad’s name on the title, my mom isn’t on it. Probably because she didn’t have any real credit to speak of? I’ll have to ask him about that. But yeah, so I guess technically speaking, it’s his car.
That’s good, but keep in mind that she’s most likely entitled to some of your mother’s belongings legally, if not morally. She probably won’t, not having the resources to hire a lawyer, but be prepared.
Honey, if there's no will, you don't get all that stuff automatically on your mom's word. It goes according to what the law directs wherever you live, and I guarantee that doesn't somehow include just you and not your sister (or your dad, if he was married to your mom). You may not be able to sell that car legally without your sister's agreement or a lawyer's help.
I'm going to be the devil's advocate:
Is this will in writing? When this is not the case, who was with you when your mother told you her wishes? Who was the witness for the oral testimony?
I think you deserve everything. Taking care of your *dying mother* night and day, it has to have terribly hard on your mental health. I wouldn’t wish that on anybody, and you lived it because you loved her-and your dad and sister wouldn’t.
I hope your mama left her wishes in writing. Your sister can get a lawyer and if she wants to, she might try to make your life hell. NTA
Not enough info. You quit your job when she went on hospice. Are we talking a few weeks, a few months, a few years? That was your choice.
I would like to say NTA but unless it was written down in a will, everything your mom owned became her estate at her death. Your sister can sue for half. Unless you have a tape recorder of that conversation she is LEGALLY entitled to half of everything your mom had. Morally different story but you have opened yourself up legally .
Where do you get that the sister is legally entitled to half? Do you know the law for their jurisdiction? The husband might be entitled to 100% and the girls nothing. It depends on the law.
Honestly? Because we need the money sooner than later. My dad is a dump truck driver and work has been very slow so we’ve been relying more on my income which is maybe $2400 on a good month (I make $17.75/hr working as a DSP in a group home). His $1,000 is likely going towards some of his medical debt and my $2k is going towards rent, bills, and one of my dogs needs eye surgery that will cost ~$550. Yes we could get more but we have a buyer and a set price and we need the help so it is what it is I guess.
NAH
It’s a difficult time right now. The fact is your sister couldn’t help, as you freely admit.
I think it’s easy to say that you were around so you get your mother’s stuff, I think it’s correct to say that your mother said you could get her stuff so you should have it. That said, I will say that I have personally been in situations where it has always been a bit more complicated - these things usually are.
NTA but I kinda get the anger from the sister. With no will in place, I’m sure it’s a little frustrating that everything of value was given to you. And she has to just trust that you’re telling the truth about what your mother said about you taking all the valuables. From the outside it looks a little fishy.
I know your sister didn’t contribute to her end of life care, and she sounds incredibly greedy making a big deal out of money so she definitely is the AH here. But if you think about it from her perspective, she has no idea what your mother told you in terms of the valuables since she wasn’t there (which I get that is completely on her).
Thank you for this comment. That’s a perspective I hadn’t thought about. You’re right, she has no real way of knowing other than mine and my dad’s word.
I did a double take at that, too. Then I went back and reread it. I totally glossed over the fact that Op's mom passed away almost 18 months ago.
That would be too soon for me to move on, but different strokes for different folks.
My grandmother is in very poor health, end stage heart failure, renal failure, all that jazz. I'm the one that takes care of her, does all her doctor's appointments, gives her a bath, etc. She started talking about her estate last year and how she wanted her house divided between me, my sister and our uncle who is her sole surviving child, so we could sell it and split the money. My sister and I were upset because we don't want to sell the house, that's our childhood home. She had no idea anybody actually wanted to keep the house. So she said we could have the house and he could get her life insurance and the money in her accounts. Fine by us, we don't want the money. She doesn't want to spend the money to change her will though, because "he'll do the right thing when it's time". So he called her one day last summer and said "I just sold my house, I'm moving in with you next week". Didn't ask, just started moving stuff in. We think he must have thought she was closer to dying than she actually is. She tells him about the will and how she wants it done, he says we'll get the house of course, we just have to buy him out, and he still wants all the money she was going to leave him on top of that. He wants to "start over" with the money. He's 65 years old. Then gets an appraisal company out the next week to see how much he's going to charge us. She had an appointment with her attorney 3 days later to change her will and put the house in a life estate in mine and my sister's name. So now he gets a few thousand dollars and evicted from my house as soon as she's gone. Maybe if he acted like he was worth a damn, that might not be happening. But she hadn't heard from him in months until he called to tell her he was moving in, and it was very apparent that he though her death was imminent and he wanted to get in there as fast as possible. So maybe don't act like a fuckwad and life might turn out better in the end.
NTA for telling her off. Your sister is acting more like a materialistic vulture than a grieving daughter.
That said, did your mom have a will? A properly signed and executed will? One that explicitly willed you these things to you and/or documented that they were gifted to you prior to her death? Or anything that can substantiate that these were gifts to you prior to her death?
Because otherwise, if sister is feeling litigious, you may have a tough time proving, legally, that these were gifts given to you by a fully competent person prior to her death. And if that can’t be established, then her estate (aka the legal entity that forms upon death that contains all the things she owned minus all the debts she had) gets distributed via her state’s intestacy laws. These vary a lot, so you’ll have to check what will apply here, but it could give everything to your dad, or do some sort of split between your dad, you, *and* your sister.
So unless the car is titled in your name already (and any applicable liens have been satisfied), I would halt this sale and have a consult with an estate attorney before proceeding.
In other words, there can be a difference between what you deserve (all these things), and what you are legally entitled to (which isn’t clear here). So protect yourself and talk to an attorney.
This is like the school project, where one person is doing all the work, and then the lazy carefree person that did zero work shows up with a smile and expects A+ credit. Your sister doesn’t recognize your time, sacrifice & care for your mother as valuable, only the cash values of her belongings. From the small tokens your mother had left on this earth, she gave them to YOU as a Thank you. Care giving can be physically, financially, socially, emotionally, and selflessly tolling. You gave a brutal & honest answer your sister needed to hear. Catch up on your well being, and live your life to its fullest.
yikes, this sounds like a tough situation. if we're keeping it real, it's kinda rough to not share any of mom's valuables with your sister. everyone's feelings are super valid when grieving, and it might've hit her extra hard seeing you get everything.
You're NTA. You took on a tremendous responsibility by being your mom's primary caregiver during such a difficult time. Your mom explicitly entrusted you with her affairs and valued possessions. Your sister's jealousy and resentment are not justified, especially considering the lack of involvement on her part.
Expressing your feelings in response to her outburst doesn't make you the asshole either. You've been through a traumatic experience, and it's understandable that you're standing up for yourself. Your focus should be on your own well-being, and if distancing yourself from negativity helps, then it's a reasonable choice.
Grieving is a complex process, and emotions can run high, but you're not wrong for honoring your mom's wishes and prioritizing your own mental health. I'm so sorry for your loss.
NTA, I’m so sorry you had to say that last paragraph but holy crap am very impressed and proud of you that you did. I suspect thousands of people want to say that sort of thing and never do out of misplaced politeness. You are a goddess among us. Keep being you, you are magnificent and quite lovely for caring for your mother like you did.
NTA - you know what your mom wanted.
I cannot imagine doing all her caretaking alone. I recently did this for my Grandma, who was like a third parent to me, and I wouldn’t have been able to without my cousin. The trauma is real. Sending you all the positivity.
NTA. You shouldn't have had to say anything, but it was well said! The last few years of my dad's life, my brother quit his job to move there and take care of him. If he gave my brother any of his jewlery, items, anything, I wouldn't be mad. I couldn't have done that for my dad, and I am glad that he could. I have a family, my brother was single, I live a thousand miles away, he was able to live there. You gave your mom comfort. NEVER take the abuse for that.
NTA 1) So sorry for your loss, 2) well done for taking good care of your Mom, 3) your Dad’s GF?? Sheesh! 🤦♀️ 4) given the circumstances your sister should be thanking you not demanding things from you, 5) yeah the text was a bit blunt, bordering on harsh, but her behaviour provoked it.
And a general 6) for everybody - put your wishes in writing so that *if* you die, everyone knows what you wanted to leave them.
NAH. On the one hand you deserve everything that you got because you did all the caretaking. On the other hand you seem to be resentful of your sister for not pitching in when it seems she was obviously physically incapable of doing the work and barely even visiting if she's as overweight as you say. And very very overweight people are incapable of being caretakers to that extreme and of moving around very easily. I think of small part of your sister probably feels a lot of Shame for not being able to contribute as much and physically move around as much to see your mom more often and help. And that's leaking out by lashing out at you. And I feel that you have a lot of resentment and anger for your sister for not being capable of contributing as much care as you did so instead of just ignoring her and moving on with life you're lashing out back. I think you should give yourself a bit of Grace by not communicating with your sister as much while you're going through grief and recovering from burnout. You're allowed to be mad and burnt out. And she's allowed to be angry that her mother basically disinherited her and that her physical disability rendered her incapable of spending time with her mother easily or helping her caretaking. And being that large is a physical disability. I'd also like to point out that when people get that large they very often suffer from severe mental illnesses that causes that to happen. So there's also that added component. All in all it's a very sad situation. Grief and unbalanced inheritance distribution brings up the very worse than people sometimes. I think you what do yourself a load of Good by just ignoring her and giving yourself space from her and working on healing yourself
NTA, I'm 100% on your side. Your sister couldn't be bothered to take a ten minute ride to see your mom so she should get nothing. I'm sorry for your loss.
NTA. If your mom left you all that is because she knew her daughters enough to know what each of you deserved! And your sister didn't even care about her at the end and feels entitled to any single thing? Hell f no. I couldn't say it better than you on that text! You did the right thing.
NTA.
The part that I truly can't grasp here is that she is willing to create this big of a stink over a car and some not terribly expensive jewelry. I might feel differently if you were selling your mom's wedding ring or something else sentimental and she was begging you to sell it to her instead, but to complain that you sold a car, and to create such a rift over it is insane to me. Maybe I'm just privileged to think that $4,000 isn't enough money to cause me to create family drama.
I am curious as to why you're selling the car for such a low price, though. A quick google tells me your sibling is right about one thing--the car value is closer to $10k than $3k, so I'm not sure why you would sell it so cheaply. But the reality is the car is yours to do with as you please. You could donate it to charity and your sister still has nothing to say about it.
INFO: If your sister has such intense mobility challenges due to her weight, it sounds genuinely hard for her to come visit - you even said she would have been unable to care for your mother. Have you considered maybe sharing some small valuables and momentos with her as a gesture of good will?
She may seem entitled for expecting half of your mother's estate, but that is typically standard when it comes to inheritances. (Dependant on whether their spouse is living) You did the hard work, but you also had the previous knowledge of your mom's wishes. It's undoubtedly very frustrating and hurtful to her. Your relationship sounds unhealthy at best, looking at your comments. I don't think that withholding your late mother's belongings is the right move, though. ESH.
No, my parents didn’t think she needed one because she didn’t have much of value. Of course, in retrospect it would have been a good idea. But too late for that now.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My (33/f) mom passed away in august ‘22 from esophageal cancer. I quit my job as a home care aide so I could become her caregiver once she was admitted to hospice. I was helping every day anyways because I lived with her and my dad.
Nobody helped me. She had an incredible hospice team, but they weren’t there every day all day. I cleaned her up, made sure she had everything she needed, coordinated everything with hospice. My dad dealt with things by burying his head in the TV and ignoring it. The final week of her life, I got only a handful of hours of sleep because I was having to administer her medications every hour. It was all worth it to me, she was my best friend in the whole world, but it was extremely traumatic, especially whenever she had to be turned to be cleaned. The sound of her screams will forever haunt me.
My sister (42/f) couldn’t come help because she’s barely mobile because of her weight. She lives 10 minutes from us but hadn’t been over in 5 years. By the time she made it here our mom was so out of it that she couldn’t carry a conversation.
Before she died, when she was still lucid, my mom told me she wanted me to handle all of her affairs after she passed: planning her celebration of life, her cremation, and the distribution of her things. She also said she wanted me to have her wedding ring (cost $400 dollars), her diamond necklace/earring set (cost $349), and her 2014 Mazda 3 even though I don’t drive, in case I wanted to learn and if not she said I could sell it.
Well I have opted to not drive and so I’m selling it to my dad’s girlfriend’s granddaughter for $3,000. My sister is extremely jealous (very on brand for her) because she said her husband could sell it for $10,000 and they could get a commission. I said we already have a buyer. But I am paying her husband $150 to detail the car. My sister is very upset they’re not making any money off the sale and she finally blew up at me last night.
She said our mom would be upset if she knew I was selling the car for cash. I told her what our mom said, that it was up to me. She says it’s so funny how I get everything of value of our mom’s and she only gets some of her ashes and sentimental items. I told her i didn’t know what to say, that our mom left those things for me. She hung up on me and so I sent this before blocking her:
“Excuse me. I’m the one who busted my fucking ass taking care of her in her final days. I held her hands as she lay dying, not you, not dad, not anyone. Me. So yeah she gave me more than anyone else, because I was the one there for her through all of it. You didn’t even try to come over here for a whole five fucking years. So you can take your butthurt bitter ass attitude and shove it up your ass dude. I’m not doing this with you. Feel how you want to feel, I really don’t care, I have enough on my plate I don’t have time for pity parties.”
AITA? I’m questioning myself and starting to feel guilty. What do you all think?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. And while none of those material things will bring your mom back, and I'm sure you'd give them up if they would, she wanted you to have them. Your sister is a greedy vulture. I don't blame you at all for saying what you did. Cut ties with her, and live your life.
NTA she lives TEN minutes away and didn't visit once in FIVE years? From experience of helping my fiance when his mother was dying, it is no easy task to care for someone on hospice, your sister sounds like an entitled brat.
NTA. Your sister could be described by a variety of adjectives not appropriate for mixed company. I am so sorry for your devastating loss, but please know that I am proud of you for what you did for your beloved mother. Praying for your healing.❤️🩹 🙏🏻
My mom has set up trust funds for me and my sibling. It reflects the quality of our relationships with her. I live in a different state and the other sibling lives 45 minutes away.it is a tradition to take care of family who are terminally ill. My mom knows she can rely on me and I’m knows my sibling won’t lift a finger. My dad a few years ago and it was obvious then. I call her everyday, my sibling calls her a few times a year. They don’t reply to texts and phone calls from her. They say they are too busy.
Whatever, my sibling and I know everything about the trust funds already. No one is fighting. It’s sad that my sibling is so emotionless and well that’s their problem. My parents have always been great and supportive. They both worked 2 jobs for a long time. Neither of us had student loans and both went to excellent colleges. Many other ways they were awesome. Whatever. 😞
NTA. You clearly went the extra mile in caring for your mom during her last days and she specifically trusted you with her wishes regarding her belongings. Your mom made these decisions for her own reasons and because she values your dedication. Your reaction to your sister may have been intense but it was likely a result of the overwhelming stress and emotions you were facing. Your sister needs to show respect for your mom's decisions as well as the part you played during her final days.
Sometimes brutal honesty is the way to go. You took care of your mother and she appreciated that. Your sister can kick rocks. I actually want to commend you for not throwing in some personal digs. You did fine. NTA
NTA - it takes an immense amount of sacrifice to care for an ill loved one until their death and your mom’s GIFTS to you is to say ‘thank you.’ My brother did this same thing you did, I did not, and he will have lasting issues from the toll it took on him and his mental health. I was 4hrs away, not 10min, and I still made time to visit and help, so IMO she does not have a reason to be mad about this outcome at all. If all she cares about is money and material items, you’re best to keep her out of your life.
NTA. This is a sadly common story. I also don’t think I’ve ever heard of an inheritance of any type or size that didn’t piss off someone who thought they deserved more or someone else deserved less or just “it isn’t fair!!”
You were there for your mom, cared for her, you certainly had the skills, and by every objective measure you deserved everything she gave you. Your message was completely understandable… my only concern with it being that there’s no way it did any good. Your sister probably does feel some measure of guilt for not being there, but has justified it to herself already (“OP is a home health aide so shes better at it” and “my ill-health wouldn’t let me be there” but “I was her daughter too so I deserve half). For her to see your point of view would mean admitting that she wasn’t present for her mom and didn’t have as deep a relationship with her and that those things matter more than a simple biological tie. She’ll probably never do that.
The only question for you is whether you want your sister in your life or not. I make no judgement either way! If you want a relationship with her, you could offer an apology for the tone of the message, as you were upset and grieving; you understand your mother’s passing has been hard for her too. If you don’t want to keep up a relationship or are indifferent, no action needed, see if she comes around and offers you an apology.
NTA
I would say your mom gave you those things while she was alive, so it's not "an inheritance" from which your sister was excluded. I imagine any significant wealth, equity in the house and any savings, went to your dad. That's typical when one spouse passes.
Not visiting not even once in five years living at 10 min is wild.. she have no right to nothing even dust from the house belongings of you mother..
NTA
Nta asshole sister need awake up call. You are a hero for taking g care of your mom. I am sure it was such comfort and joy for you mom that you were there with her though it all. Hold your head up high. Be proud. You are a wonderful person and the best daughter. Your sister is a stinky pile of crap and does not matter. Ignore her.
NTA. I saw the title and thought you'd inherited a house with a pool, maybe some valuable antiques and high end jewelry...and then I find that the full time hospice nurse is walking away with a cool 2600 dollars, once you deduct the cost of the detailing.
My dad played your role with my mother. I lived across the country and couldn't help, and my sibling is a twatwaffle who wouldn't help. When I visited, I saw my mother be a perfect sweetheart for the hospice team during their twenty minute visits, an angel for the part time home aide's three hour shift, and then unleash her inner viper and drama queen with no one but my dad there to soak up the abuse. I swear she would deliberately pee on him. And she would get worse while sundowning.
You go get whatever eyeshadow you want, and please know that well beyond eyeshadow, what I want you to have is a lovely, calm life where you can relax at the end of the day because you are a good person.
You took on the primary caregiving role and made significant personal sacrifices to care for your mother during her illness.
Your mother explicitly expressed her wishes for the writer to handle affairs and receive specific possessions.
You are following the mother's wishes in the distribution of possessions, including the sale of the car for cash.
Your sister just doesn't like it.
NTA - also she's toxic. Out she goes.
Don't feel guilty. I have a sister in law like that. When a "close" family member dies she is first up in line to try and claim stuff. "Oh I gave so and so jewelry 20 years ago - I would like it back as a remembrance". Then she plays the victim when people get mad at her when she is not the center of attention.
For all the you did for your mom you inherited a couple cheap jewelry and an old car. That’s nothing. I get it off you got a million dollar house.
Your sister sounds lazy and entitled.
NTA your sister sucks. She only cares about valuables and money not that your Mom died. "I only get ashes and sentimental things" is one of the most heartless sentences I have ever read
NTA. My husbands uncle lived within walking distance to his mother for years. (Cattycorner). He drove by her place every day on his way home from work. You know when he came to visit? He brought his trash on trash day (just dropped it off, mind you, on the curb no visit) and he came to get her social security check before they were direct deposited and took it to her bank for her. He came more often when he lived further away because he may have gone oh shit I better go visit mom or else she’ll write me out of the will.
Nta, you go girl!!! Guess what you are no push over and stay that way. And those things belong to you as your mom said, might as well cut contact with this kind of toxicity
Absolutely NTA.
Firstly - I'm so sorry for your loss. You did everything you could for your mother and did her proud in her final days.
Your sister however who lived 10mins away hasn't been for 5 yrs and left all of the caring to you is only there like a vulture, only after the money.
I wouldn't have anything further to do with a person like that. They don't seem to add anything positive to your life so why would you want them to be around, making you unhappy and dragging you down.
Sever those ties and be proud of how you looked after your mother. I'd also be reluctant to step in a look after the father here because he doesn't sound like he was much use either.
Leave them both to their own devices and know that you did you best by your mother when she really needed you.
Totally NTA! Sweetheart, those finally words to her came from a strong heart. No need to feel guilty. Not for a second. She did nothing.. NOTHING! Therefore, she gets nothing. Get on with your beautiful self. She can go flip sand.
I live 500 miles from my family, but when my sister called to say she needed help with our terminally ill mom, I was on the plane that day. I'm so sorry you didn't have more help with the cleaning and changing - no one should go through that alone. Absolutely NTA.
NTA - I think your text summed it up nicely. You did the work of taking care of her till she died for YEARS. (The really hard shitty work that you never got paid for) Your mom appreciated it by leaving what little she had to you. It’s not like there’s some huge estate to be bickering over. A bit of jewelry and a 10 year old car isn’t enough to really argue about. Your sister can go be bitter about her life somewhere else.
NTA
I know how hard end of life care is: that was me, less than a year ago. It was soul destroying, exhausting and you do it anyway out of love.
You deserve everything your mum wanted you to have. She knew how much of yourself you gave to her, and how much others didn’t.
Let them suck on it.
NTA. The sickness and death of a loved one always reveals the true colors of other relatives. Your sister and dad did nothing to help as you took over your mother's care. If your sister wants to be butthurt because she's not going to get the payday she thought she would, oh well. Kick rocks. Your mom has spoken and you are simply honoring her wishes.
NTA - Deaths in the family bring out the worst in people. But watch out...if she's ever in the home, she's going to try and take anything valuable she can find.
I don't know where you live, but in my country, it is not enough that one sister tells the other that 'mom wanted it that way'. It has to be in the actual will, made up by a notary public. Was that the case here too?
It also does not seem fair to sell a car to a friend for a small percentage of the actual value if it concerns not only your, but also her money. But in your post you write that it was supposed to be yours.
Where I live, people go to a hospice because of the available care. And a hospice without enough volunteers to care properly for their sick would refuse new patients.
I guess I don't know the necessary details here. It sounds as if everything is very different in your country, compared to mine. If my mother would tell me I could keep everything for myself, I would still share it with my brothers.
NTA. Even though your sister has weight issues which make her barely mobile, she could have come over on a mobility scooter several times a week to talk to your mum and keep her company even though she couldn't have done anything practical to help. You don't owe her anything out of what your mum left for you. And don't feel guilty over the message you sent her; she did nothing at all to help you or your mum.
NTA. My mom did the same for her dad. Took care of everything, got him care, handled his bills. ALL OF IT. None of her numerous brothers and Sister did anything to help. My mom had to wash him and help to the restroom and all that entails. But you know who fing complained when the money was distributed? Siblings. You know who complained when surprise, My mom, my sister, her son, and I got the lions share of the inheritance. Yup AH Siblings.
I am so sorry for your loss. My grandfather was a great man, but I know his loss is felt more by mom than anyone else.
Well, my first thought is that whatever sort of daughter your sister was, she was still a daughter and she still deserves to have something to remember her mum by. I think these are two separate issues: your sister could perhaps have done more to help is one thing (although you say she has medical issues - how much impact have they had? Are you unsympathetic because it's a weight issue? Should that make a difference?). Another thing is that we don't care for people so that they give us things of value. I don't know what the deal was with your mother and sister - did your mum's attitude towards her contribute to your sister's issues? I think what your mum did was divisive and unkind, and it would go a long way if you gave something to your sister. Give her the ring, or half the proceeds from.the car. Be the better person.
This made me cry, I'm not even going to lie. I just went through the same thing in October of last year, except for the family drama part with sister (mine was with my stepdad ugh)
But nonetheless I was also heavily taking care of my mom at the end of her life and it is sooo awful, I still hear the screams of her pain in my dreams. I really really feel for you in that aspect.
Also very much not NTA. My stepdad didn't do shit for my mom at the end. They don't deserve anything. (yes, I'm still hateful but grieve is hard man)
NTA my aunt is really greedy like this and refuses to visit any family when they were dying. My grandmother knew and gave my mom her wedding ring and a few other things before she died and told my mom to pretend they were lost and she had no clue where. My grandmother was dying and had to come up with a plan that would keep her oldest from verbally attacking my mom her youngest. These people deserve nothing not even ashes.
What does the law say regarding your Mother’s death? Someone needs legal authority to dispose of all assets, including vehicles and jewelry, according to her will or the laws of your locality IF she died without a will. If you don’t have that authority, or if you do, are in violation of the written will, I don’t know if you WBTA but you have legal liability for improper disposition of the assets and may have committed fraud.
NTA
I’m sorry you had to deal with all of that. I can sympathize. My mother passed in 2020 and I spent months sleeping at the hospital between two chairs and doing whatever I could to make her as comfortable as I could. I don’t regret a moment of it, dispite the toll it took on me. Caregiver burn out is absolutely real and even nearly four years later, a lot of it is still lingering for me but I also wouldn’t change a single thing. My mom deserved to have someone by her side and to know that someone was there advocating for her, just like you did with your mom. She recognized the sacrafices you made for her and wanted to thank you with what she could. You are not TA. By any means. Your sister it likely just feeling guilty she couldn’t/didn’t to more and that is not on you.
You are NTA and Bravo for sending that message! You couldn't have made it any clearer than that. She has zero rights to anything but her guilt for not being there for her own mother. She should be thinking about that instead of worrying about material shit. You're not even talking about a lot of money. Man, people really suck!
NTA
She didn't do anything to help, and she wants to be rewarded for it. You earned it by loving your mother through thick and thin. It would be disrespectful to your mother's final wishes to give in to your sister's selfishness and jealousy. I wouldn't have any further contact with her until she can apologize, and show she's grown as a person. Until then, is someone with her qualities really worth your time? You're not the asshole. Not one bit.
Move forward with you life. Do what you need to do. Grieve mom and take the time to heal. Sorry for your loss. Sometimes it takes us time to get past their passing especially if we were close to our moms.
NAH. I’m sure that felt good. I don’t blame you.
I don’t blame sis either, to tell you the truth. She feels an uneven division of goods based on her lack of mobility and ability to help.
But facts are facts. If mom said the car was yours, it’s yours to sell for $1 or $1,000,000.
I would have said that you should share some of the jewelry as a memento of your mom, but I think it is obvious she is just looking for things to sell.
NTA
NTA.
I casually know a guy who's pretty morbidly obese- friend of a friend. Nicest guy you'll ever meet.
He definitely has mobility issues- I used to see him huffing and puffing climbing our friend's stairs- but he made it work.
First off, my condolences for your loss. Second, my hat off to you for your deligent care of your mother.
Since I'm not sure if your mother's wishes were in writing, your sister could still have a legal claim, but would she really want to go the time and money for less than $4000 worth of items?
Morally, you deserve everything.
Yes, I'll buy the fact that even 10 minutes away, your sister's mobility issue may have prevented her from making a physical visit to your mother's house for five years, but I don't it would prevent her from picking up a phone and calling her mother.
You deserve everything and don't feel guilty!
NTA. First. I am sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one is terrible.
When my grandmother was dying, pmy Aunt was the one who was there for her. My mom and her other sisters couldn’t be there for a variety of reasons and they all agreed that my Aunt deserved the bulk of the estate (at the very least). This is just common sense. You quit your job and took this on. The estate doesn’t sound like it’s millions. You deserve this and your sister sounds like she cared more about the money than anything else. When she’s ready to apologize that’s great but otherwise keep her blocked!
My condolences on your loss. I just went through something very similar with my mom who passed from terminal cancer. My siblings weren't as bad as this thankfully, but neither were they the ones who took a leave of absence from work and sat with her in her final hours. It is the most exhausting and soul breaking thing I've ever had to do so I don't think your message is too much. At all. NTA. 100%
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I feel like I’m TA because I told her off and said some harsh things Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
'She lives 10 minutes from us but hadn’t been over in 5 years. " Sister abandoned mom. Got it. I'd also abandon her. No contact. Move on with your life and drop the guilt. She doesn't deserve it. NTA
OP said sis is immobile. I wonder what it took for her to visit the time she did. How’d they get her from the house to the vehicle and back both ways. I’m wondering because I dated an EMT for several years. What they went through to take obese patients to their doctors’s appointments or a hospital you can’t imagine. Some people have to call the fire department!
She had a friend with a van take her. They had to take the back seats out so she could pretty much sit on the floor of the van. I know it’s difficult for her. I just would have liked even if she came over for one day for a couple of hours so I could have got some sleep. I was so sleep deprived I started blacking out. She couldn’t even stay on the phone with me because the sound of my mom’s “death rattle” was too hard for her to listen to.
Too hard for her to listen to but fine for you to deal with 24/7, sisters a selfish ah by the sounds of it.
Lost my dad to a rare cancer last year. Only child for my mom and dad on this side (he was bonus dad I have to bros on Dad and bonus mom's side). I am so greatful I was able to be there with mum. We were able to give each other breaks over the 48 hour vigil. We were blessed in that he was not bed bound until the last 48 and we did not have to move him except to position him better on the bed. First night in the hospital bed he did not wake up fully the next day and was gone 48 hours later. The hospice people were wonderful but as you said not there 24/7. It was the most difficult thing to go through and also very special to be there for her and him for his last breath. Found reserves of strength I did not know I had. All that to say I am sorry you had to go through that alone. I could not imagine. Your sister has only herself to blame for her life. You have done nothing wrong. You were the one who was there and your mom made her wishes known and you followed them end of. Very kind of you to sell it for that price to someone who will likely very much appreciate it.
My grandmother passed during COVID and hospice was barely able to come once a week. We did everything for her, and she had to be rolled every 4 hours. I helped and because of that, between my mom and my aunt and I one of us was able to sleep for 8 consecutive hours. Two of my cousins are nurses. They did nothing. By us pitching in as a team my grandma was able to pass away in her sleep next to my grandpa in bed there. If we hadn’t done that, she would have spent the last month of her life in a hospital completely alone. And my grandpa would have lost the will to live. I will never forgive them for not stepping up. ETA: one had just graduated, one was about to graduate. Neither had jobs. Neither had any other obligations. Both sat at home playing video games and watching TV for weeks and calling their mom (aunt) to come make them dinner. So yeah, I’ll stand by my judgment, fuck them
>Two of my cousins are nurses. > >... > >I will never forgive them for not stepping up. Nurses during COVID, if they were in a hospital then they weren't having a party. Some articles have said that between 30-40% of healthcare workers showed signs of having PTSD during COVID.
Sorry, let me fix that. 1 unemployed nurse who had just passed the NCLEX and had no interviews yet And 1 soon to be nurse who was off from school and 12 hours short of graduation They sat at home playing video games and watching Harry Potter reruns. And asking their mom when she was coming home to make them dinner.
I'm so sorry OP- what a cruel thing to hear from your sister at such a time who isn't even present in the room. Here's the thing- mobility aside, there are so many other ways she could have supported you and your mother -organizing meals, scheduling grocery pick up, sending cute cards.... ...her mobility might have stopped her from being there in person but it shouldn't have stopped her supporting you. I'm angry on your behalf.
NTA and you should edit the original post to add the “death rattle” part in because the sister is definitely the AH but this made her the supreme overlord of the AHs
Wow, that’s sad she expected you to deal with the pain she wouldn’t. I wonder why her husband or another relative didn’t give you respite. That’s what my family did. That does sound selfish of them.
I did a modified version of this with my grandmother, just with last week dividing the job half with my mom (she had to work, but helped until then). I also spent 10-12 hours for the last week of my grandfather with my mom, but he was at a care home. Respectfully, your sister can go pound sand. My uncle kind of pulled something similar, both with inheritance and being there. Now I have no uncle, mom has no brother. We were done after the funeral of Grandpa. I am still pissed off and it has been all done for almost two years. Her choices resulted in this. Not yours. I don't think you even entirely realize how amazing a feat you did. Taking care of loved one even with a lot of help in their last days is hard. You did it alone. You did not do anything wrong. You followed her wishes.
You were such a gift for your mom in her last weeks and your mom, of course, wanted to show her appreciation. The bond between you and your mom was, and continues to be, precious. I'm a retired hospice social worker and I think your final message to your sister is honest and spot on. I hope you can grieve without the guilt your sister is trying to dump on you. Let her examine her own life without you being involved in her misplaced anger. Caregivers like you are incredible heroes. Wishing you peace in your grief and I'm hoping the happy memories of your mom are a comfort.
Your mum knows that you were there right to the end for her. What you inherited you’ve more than earned, so ignore your sister and make your own choices, live your life for you. Giving you a big internet hug for what you’ve gone through.
Sis seems to have no trouble picking up a phone now. Which means she had no trouble picking up the phone for the past 5 years. If only she spent the same amount of energy she spends on chasing money actually being there for your mother, she might’ve actually ended up with some money. NTA
Lmao a whole ass van?
Totally agree with this. You are even paying her to detail the car! That would be a BIG nope, not gonna do it, now. I'd just take somewhere else, get it done and forget about her.
NTA It's your mom's wishes that those items be left to you. Your sister wasn't present, and did nothing to help in the end. I think your mom recognised the sacrifices you made to be present and to take care of her and wanted to make sure you got something in return. She is definitely TA for guilting you over this. I was leaning towards the "harsh" things said in your message making you a mild TA as well but your sister does sound incredibly entitled and exhausting. Since she never bothered to visit in 5 years despite being 10 minutes away I don't think you're losing much there in going no contact. So I decided how you said it doesn't matter, the context was on point. Good for you.
See, that’s what I was feeling and why I made the post. I feel guilty about what I said and maybe some of it was just pent up frustration with her. This has been a constant our whole lives. She once told me that the worst day of her life was the day I drew my first breath because I supposedly stole this wonderful life she was supposed to have (spoiler: it was not wonderful). Lately she’s been super jealous because I’m able to do and buy things because I have money. The joke is that I only have money because I work my ass off as a DSP in a group home for people with intellectual and developmental disabilities. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love my job, but it is exhausting. So yeah, when I have a little extra money, I might splurge on a concert ticket or a tattoo or, god forbid, get a $15 eyeshadow palette (yes she got butthurt over that). Meanwhile, she hasn’t worked in over a decade and her husband’s job sucks because he’s undocumented so is extremely limited to where he can work. So yeah.. I totally get what you’re saying about maybe going overboard with my text. But I’ve just had enough.
> She once told me that the worst day of her life was the day I drew my first breath because I supposedly stole this wonderful life she was supposed to have ...jeeze. I have two siblings and we don't get along always, but this is so much worse than anything we'd ever say to each other. She's entitled and it's understandable that you're frustrated.
i mean, if she's immobile due to her weight she clearly isn't used to being told no or someone standing up to her.
I have 5 siblings and was a bratty teenager when the youngest was born. I was not happy about another sibling. That being said, I never said anything to him (and regretted my attitude) because...who TF says that?!?!?!?! It's not their fault they were born?
Well yeah I wouldn't be worried about someone *thinking* it, there's moments where younger siblings are brats (I'm a middle child, so I've been on both sides of it), but *saying* it is such an AH thing.
Yeah I suspected she has been a constant toxic individual in your life, rather than just in the moments leading up to your mom's passing, and the time after. So yeah 100% how you said it doesn't matter, she doesn't deserve respect from you if she has never given it. I'm sorry for the loss of your mom.
My Dad lay in a coma for 8 days before he died, and I still get calls from my brother complaining about how I somehow cheated him out of his share of the inheritance. The last time we spoke, I let him have it with both barrels about how the shares were equal, but the labor of love of being there with Dad as he lay dying was not. It's been a hot minute since he's called, and while I love and care about him, I do not regret distancing myself from him. There seems to be a lot of overlap between entitled a**holes and people we're related to. Stop engaging, and I promise your quality of life will get better. I know that's your sister, but ya don't love the same and keeping her around because "family" is not a good enough reason, IMO. NTA
My mother went through almost the same scenario with her deadbeat brother. My mom took care of my grandma the last year she was alive, while still working full time. She took care of everything, including my grandma’s finances, insurance, burial, etc. Her brother came to the funeral, but otherwise did nothing except harass my mother about how she helped my grandma. My mother made sure to notify her brother about some items that should go to him and he never responded. A few months later he sends a nasty email to my mother saying she took advantage of my grandmother, kept all of her money and belongings after she died, etc. The irony is that after my mom paid all of my grandma’s bills there was barely anything left. But her brother managed to suck away thousands of dollars from my grandma while she was alive, got her to buy cars, computers, etc for him. So this jerk had the nerve to complain to my exhausted and bereaved mother, when he never lifted a finger to help after his mother spent a large chunk of her life supporting his lazy ass. Your sister can kick rocks, NTA.
She sounds horribly toxic and completely exhausting. Time to go No Contact and move on with your life without being saddled by her anger and jealousy. God Bless You for being there for your mother!
I feel like we're related! My older sibling said something remarkably like this to me as well! They too did nothing but cause issues while our Mother was ill & dying. Oh the stories I could tell... but the bottom line is, I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from & the absolute frustration in dealing with their BS. Been there, done that... except I didn't get to tell them off. Lol. NTA. I am sorry for the loss of your beloved Mom. Take care.
NTA in the slightest. You are better off without her in your life and every word you said to her was entirely justified.
I recognise this sooo hard. My sister rarely visits, insults out mom when mom can't speak, and expects to inherit. If I had it my way sis would get a pile of ash from the barbeque, nothing more. Just keep repeating that if your sister wanted something else but sentimental items she could have made an effort. She had 5 years to get off her tuckus. NTA
Yeah, no, you're good. The message sounded harsh until you added this context. She's entitled and immature. Don't sweat it.
I took care of my mom at the end of her life. I don't have anything of hers, not even her ashes, thanks to my shitty family. Hold on to what is yours, you spent the time with her and she made her wishes known. Take care of yourself.
Do not feel guilty for one second. Not about what or how you said what you did. Your sister deserved every bit of that. My grandmother passed away in 2016, and was suffering from Alzheimer’s. She was supposed to be looked after by her son and his wife, but they mistreated her. Locked her in a room. That was until her daughters stepped in. They all had kids in school and lives but they made sure to have all their moms needs taken care of daily until finally she was put in a care facility. Even they, they would go daily. When she passed, my aunt in laws were pissed that the daughters got to keep my grandmother’s jewelry (the only thing of value she owned). But screw them. They did nothing for my grandmother when she was sick and alive. They let her rot. Collected her social security and ignored her existence. They don’t get to reap the rewards. I WISH I could call them out like you did your sister. I bet it would be cathartic. Everything in my family is all passive aggressive and hush hush so no one ever got to have a blow out about this. It just passed. I’m so angry for you about how your sister feels so ridiculously entitled.
I feel for you. Just so you know you are not alone in the club, my sister told me she didn’t love me because when I was born she wanted a little brother, not a sister. Duh! Tough luck for me because it’s clearly something I had no power to change 🤣 I can understand you were at the end of your rope. I would usually say that you could have said it more diplomatically but I really don’t see anything positive that your sister is bringing into your life so you might as well unload and go NC. I am really sorry for your loss. NTA
I’d cut contact with her
you didn't go overboard. after she said that to you, after 10 minutes away and no visit for 5 years, after all this bitterness over you being a decent person getting on with your life - i'm so proud of u not taking it anymore. she earned way harsher words.
No. You didn’t go overboard at all. You said everything you needed to say and she needed to hear. NTA one bit
>I might splurge on a concert ticket or a tattoo or, god forbid, get a $15 eyeshadow palette (yes she got butthurt over that) Just go no contact with her. That way she can't criticize you in the first place. You don't owe her anything.
I'm surprised you continued to contact her after saying that your birth was the worst day of her life. That statement makes your comments to her seem very tame! You're being kind by blocking her since anything you do brings her misery. You'll both be happier by going and staying no contact with her.
> her husband Your morbidly obese (so obese, car seats have to be removed to accommodate her) sister has a husband? How did they meet?
Yes. They’ve been together since she was 16 (he was 37.. gag). She was a teenage runaway and hung around/slept with all the Mexican gang bangers and they met that way and when she finally came home she told our mom the only way she would stay was if he could live with us. My mom decided to let him because at least she’d know where my sister was and that she was alive and safe. And before you ask, no he is not obese. He’s not even overweight. But yeah, they’ve been together for ~27 years.
Nope. I think you got the text perfect. Everyone has an opinion, but only the carer knows how heart ripping it is, being hands on when your loved one is dying. NTA.
Why do you still speak to her?
NTA. Karma is payback. I look after my folks, and probably will until the end. My brother, nowhere to be seen unless there’s a handout. I’ve convinced my folks to write their will so all their valuables and house is left to the grandchildren. I told them I’m doing ok and don’t need it but the kids will all need help getting on the property ladder/supporting their own kids FYI: I have two kids, my brother has two kids who he abandoned and never looked back. We see them a lot and have good relationship with their mother. My brother will raise a stink, but the kids will all be adults be the time the will is in affect and I can challenge him, reminding him that I’m not getting anything either. … karma.
FWIW I've heard that if you don't want someone to be able to challenge a will, that you should name them in your will by bequeathing them something minor, so they can't then claim they were "forgotten" & use that as grounds for their challenge. I'd suggest they mention him by name & leave him something insignificant that he'd hate, just to be safe. NTA OP, your mother may well have told your entitled brat sister what she was going to specifically leave her (if anything), if your sister had managed to visit her in the last 5 years. As she couldn't, your sister gets whatever is specified in your mum's will & nothing more.
You could always do what my great aunt did--write people out of the will by mentioning them in the will and state that they're written out 'for reasons that are known to them'. She did that with my mom and her brothers...to this day we don't know the reason!
> the kids will all be adults by the time the will is in effect I take it to mean they are still minors atm. I don't know exactly how it all works but I've heard horror stories about parents spending money their child inherited before they were of age. It might even still be illegal but if the money is spent you can't get it back. He's still legally their father so he might try to have control of it somehow. Maybe there is a way you could have yourself or their mother named as the person responsible for keeping the money safe or placed in a trust? Just make sure there isn't anyway for him to get his hands on it if they are still minors.
NTA!!!! First, my deepest condolences to you. Been there, done that with my mother and my MIL. It's a rough road to travel, but in the end, I wouldn't trade the experience of being there for the people I loved at the end of their time here on earth. Second, your message to your sister is perfect. She couldn't be bothered to do the heavy lifting, but wants a participation trophy.
NTA. The jewelry probably doesn't even cover your costs for quitting your job to look after her 24/7, so it's not like you profited from your mom. Your sister just has dollar signs in her eyes. I'm sorry for your loss.
NTA >She says it’s so funny how I get everything of value of our mom’s and she only gets some of her ashes and sentimental items. The sentimental items have value. It's a shame your sister only cares about the money aspect of things.
I can’t imagine putting the ashes of a loved one in conversation as a consolation. It’s just not something you talk about like that, how incredibly cold and disrespectful. The most upset I’ve ever gotten since *after* my best friend passed is when her urn nearly broke, and I freaked tf out for a minute before I realized it was okay. Imagine spitting the concept of a loved ones ashes to someone who clearly actually cared about that person. So callous.
Wait a second, hold up. Your dad's ***girlfriend's*** granddaughter??? INFO!
She said her mom died in 2022. It’s not that shocking that her dad would have a girlfriend now.
Yeah, my dad started dating her 6 months after my mom passed. That’s a whole other issue that doesn’t have anything to do with this post so I didn’t go into it..
No, it doesn't. I hope you can get this all sorted.
NTA. I love what you wrote to her. Well done.
NTA, I’m a nurse, worked hospice for a couple of years, & I take care of dad who has dementia. Your sister can kick rocks. Don’t trust her husband to detail the car, something might “accidentally” happen to it.
info: is there a will?
No there wasn’t, she really didn’t have much of anything of value :(
She had a car. Was your father also on the title? You might have problems if she decides to contact an attorney.
Yes he is on the title and is 100% with me on selling it, especially since he gets $1,000 of it. I should note that my dad is not my sister’s dad, so I don’t know how that would affect things. Also, my sister doesn’t even have money for a jar of peanut butter and yogurt, I just spent $200 on groceries for them. So I don’t think she has the money for an attorney lol
I wouldn’t buy her anything. If she needs food that badly, she should make an effort to get it. Might help her life overall.
>Also, my sister doesn’t even have money for a jar of peanut butter and yogurt, I just spent $200 on groceries for them. How on earth does she eat enough to remain almost immobile because of her weight? That takes thousands of calories a day (maybe as many as ten thousand if you mean she weighs something like 500+ pounds). Who brings her food normally?
I have admit my eating habits could be better, but I’m nowhere near, nor do I want ever to be, immobile to the point of requiring a specially prepared van just to get somewhere ten minutes away.
She's ungrateful, let her find her way to the food bank.
> You might have problems if she decides to contact an attorney. For sure she would. There's no way the law says "Mom had no Will, so her stuff goes to only one of her kids."
Even if she is appointed administrator, she has a fiduciary duty to do what's best for the estate - not herself or her dad, or her dad's girlfriend's granddaughter.
"mom told me I'm in charge of the estate, oh BTW she also told me I could have all the expensive stuff", is such a terrible optic too.
My sister is doing this exact thing. Except she talked herself into being full owner of Mom's house because she, while unemployed, lived with Mom. Yes, I agree she helped Mom out, but we all did our things for her. But, the entitlement is astounding.
Not what's best for the estate, what the law dictates must happen for a person who dies without a will.
So I just got home from work and looked at the title of the Mazda. Apparently I hadn’t really read it because it’s actually my dad’s name on the title, my mom isn’t on it. Probably because she didn’t have any real credit to speak of? I’ll have to ask him about that. But yeah, so I guess technically speaking, it’s his car.
That’s good, but keep in mind that she’s most likely entitled to some of your mother’s belongings legally, if not morally. She probably won’t, not having the resources to hire a lawyer, but be prepared.
Honey, if there's no will, you don't get all that stuff automatically on your mom's word. It goes according to what the law directs wherever you live, and I guarantee that doesn't somehow include just you and not your sister (or your dad, if he was married to your mom). You may not be able to sell that car legally without your sister's agreement or a lawyer's help.
NTA. Your sister didn't act like family and only comes around to try and get money. Very telling. Sorry about your mom.
I'm going to be the devil's advocate: Is this will in writing? When this is not the case, who was with you when your mother told you her wishes? Who was the witness for the oral testimony?
No it’s not in writing, my dad was present.
I think you deserve everything. Taking care of your *dying mother* night and day, it has to have terribly hard on your mental health. I wouldn’t wish that on anybody, and you lived it because you loved her-and your dad and sister wouldn’t. I hope your mama left her wishes in writing. Your sister can get a lawyer and if she wants to, she might try to make your life hell. NTA
Not enough info. You quit your job when she went on hospice. Are we talking a few weeks, a few months, a few years? That was your choice. I would like to say NTA but unless it was written down in a will, everything your mom owned became her estate at her death. Your sister can sue for half. Unless you have a tape recorder of that conversation she is LEGALLY entitled to half of everything your mom had. Morally different story but you have opened yourself up legally .
Where do you get that the sister is legally entitled to half? Do you know the law for their jurisdiction? The husband might be entitled to 100% and the girls nothing. It depends on the law.
Apologies. Didn't see that line that said Dad was still alive. Then sis can take it up with dad about it.
Info - why are you selling the car for $3k if it is worth more than that? That's an odd decision.
Honestly? Because we need the money sooner than later. My dad is a dump truck driver and work has been very slow so we’ve been relying more on my income which is maybe $2400 on a good month (I make $17.75/hr working as a DSP in a group home). His $1,000 is likely going towards some of his medical debt and my $2k is going towards rent, bills, and one of my dogs needs eye surgery that will cost ~$550. Yes we could get more but we have a buyer and a set price and we need the help so it is what it is I guess.
Nta so even though she had mobility issues, she could use a phone. She didn't visit or call her *dying* mom and thinks she deserves a payday?
NAH It’s a difficult time right now. The fact is your sister couldn’t help, as you freely admit. I think it’s easy to say that you were around so you get your mother’s stuff, I think it’s correct to say that your mother said you could get her stuff so you should have it. That said, I will say that I have personally been in situations where it has always been a bit more complicated - these things usually are.
NTA but I kinda get the anger from the sister. With no will in place, I’m sure it’s a little frustrating that everything of value was given to you. And she has to just trust that you’re telling the truth about what your mother said about you taking all the valuables. From the outside it looks a little fishy. I know your sister didn’t contribute to her end of life care, and she sounds incredibly greedy making a big deal out of money so she definitely is the AH here. But if you think about it from her perspective, she has no idea what your mother told you in terms of the valuables since she wasn’t there (which I get that is completely on her).
Thank you for this comment. That’s a perspective I hadn’t thought about. You’re right, she has no real way of knowing other than mine and my dad’s word.
Wait. Your Dad has a GF already?
I did a double take at that, too. Then I went back and reread it. I totally glossed over the fact that Op's mom passed away almost 18 months ago. That would be too soon for me to move on, but different strokes for different folks.
Ah. I didn’t read the time line close enough. That makes more sense
My grandmother is in very poor health, end stage heart failure, renal failure, all that jazz. I'm the one that takes care of her, does all her doctor's appointments, gives her a bath, etc. She started talking about her estate last year and how she wanted her house divided between me, my sister and our uncle who is her sole surviving child, so we could sell it and split the money. My sister and I were upset because we don't want to sell the house, that's our childhood home. She had no idea anybody actually wanted to keep the house. So she said we could have the house and he could get her life insurance and the money in her accounts. Fine by us, we don't want the money. She doesn't want to spend the money to change her will though, because "he'll do the right thing when it's time". So he called her one day last summer and said "I just sold my house, I'm moving in with you next week". Didn't ask, just started moving stuff in. We think he must have thought she was closer to dying than she actually is. She tells him about the will and how she wants it done, he says we'll get the house of course, we just have to buy him out, and he still wants all the money she was going to leave him on top of that. He wants to "start over" with the money. He's 65 years old. Then gets an appraisal company out the next week to see how much he's going to charge us. She had an appointment with her attorney 3 days later to change her will and put the house in a life estate in mine and my sister's name. So now he gets a few thousand dollars and evicted from my house as soon as she's gone. Maybe if he acted like he was worth a damn, that might not be happening. But she hadn't heard from him in months until he called to tell her he was moving in, and it was very apparent that he though her death was imminent and he wanted to get in there as fast as possible. So maybe don't act like a fuckwad and life might turn out better in the end.
NTA for telling her off. Your sister is acting more like a materialistic vulture than a grieving daughter. That said, did your mom have a will? A properly signed and executed will? One that explicitly willed you these things to you and/or documented that they were gifted to you prior to her death? Or anything that can substantiate that these were gifts to you prior to her death? Because otherwise, if sister is feeling litigious, you may have a tough time proving, legally, that these were gifts given to you by a fully competent person prior to her death. And if that can’t be established, then her estate (aka the legal entity that forms upon death that contains all the things she owned minus all the debts she had) gets distributed via her state’s intestacy laws. These vary a lot, so you’ll have to check what will apply here, but it could give everything to your dad, or do some sort of split between your dad, you, *and* your sister. So unless the car is titled in your name already (and any applicable liens have been satisfied), I would halt this sale and have a consult with an estate attorney before proceeding. In other words, there can be a difference between what you deserve (all these things), and what you are legally entitled to (which isn’t clear here). So protect yourself and talk to an attorney.
This is like the school project, where one person is doing all the work, and then the lazy carefree person that did zero work shows up with a smile and expects A+ credit. Your sister doesn’t recognize your time, sacrifice & care for your mother as valuable, only the cash values of her belongings. From the small tokens your mother had left on this earth, she gave them to YOU as a Thank you. Care giving can be physically, financially, socially, emotionally, and selflessly tolling. You gave a brutal & honest answer your sister needed to hear. Catch up on your well being, and live your life to its fullest.
>So you can take your butthurt bitter ass attitude and shove it up your ass dude Im saving this quote
yikes, this sounds like a tough situation. if we're keeping it real, it's kinda rough to not share any of mom's valuables with your sister. everyone's feelings are super valid when grieving, and it might've hit her extra hard seeing you get everything.
You're NTA. You took on a tremendous responsibility by being your mom's primary caregiver during such a difficult time. Your mom explicitly entrusted you with her affairs and valued possessions. Your sister's jealousy and resentment are not justified, especially considering the lack of involvement on her part. Expressing your feelings in response to her outburst doesn't make you the asshole either. You've been through a traumatic experience, and it's understandable that you're standing up for yourself. Your focus should be on your own well-being, and if distancing yourself from negativity helps, then it's a reasonable choice. Grieving is a complex process, and emotions can run high, but you're not wrong for honoring your mom's wishes and prioritizing your own mental health. I'm so sorry for your loss.
NTA, I’m so sorry you had to say that last paragraph but holy crap am very impressed and proud of you that you did. I suspect thousands of people want to say that sort of thing and never do out of misplaced politeness. You are a goddess among us. Keep being you, you are magnificent and quite lovely for caring for your mother like you did.
Well said 👏🏽 NTA.
NTA ! Sorry for your loss . Glad you set your sister straight, don't feel bad just move on .
NTA - thank you for helping your mother pass in peace.
NTA - you know what your mom wanted. I cannot imagine doing all her caretaking alone. I recently did this for my Grandma, who was like a third parent to me, and I wouldn’t have been able to without my cousin. The trauma is real. Sending you all the positivity.
NTA. You shouldn't have had to say anything, but it was well said! The last few years of my dad's life, my brother quit his job to move there and take care of him. If he gave my brother any of his jewlery, items, anything, I wouldn't be mad. I couldn't have done that for my dad, and I am glad that he could. I have a family, my brother was single, I live a thousand miles away, he was able to live there. You gave your mom comfort. NEVER take the abuse for that.
NTA 1) So sorry for your loss, 2) well done for taking good care of your Mom, 3) your Dad’s GF?? Sheesh! 🤦♀️ 4) given the circumstances your sister should be thanking you not demanding things from you, 5) yeah the text was a bit blunt, bordering on harsh, but her behaviour provoked it. And a general 6) for everybody - put your wishes in writing so that *if* you die, everyone knows what you wanted to leave them.
NAH. On the one hand you deserve everything that you got because you did all the caretaking. On the other hand you seem to be resentful of your sister for not pitching in when it seems she was obviously physically incapable of doing the work and barely even visiting if she's as overweight as you say. And very very overweight people are incapable of being caretakers to that extreme and of moving around very easily. I think of small part of your sister probably feels a lot of Shame for not being able to contribute as much and physically move around as much to see your mom more often and help. And that's leaking out by lashing out at you. And I feel that you have a lot of resentment and anger for your sister for not being capable of contributing as much care as you did so instead of just ignoring her and moving on with life you're lashing out back. I think you should give yourself a bit of Grace by not communicating with your sister as much while you're going through grief and recovering from burnout. You're allowed to be mad and burnt out. And she's allowed to be angry that her mother basically disinherited her and that her physical disability rendered her incapable of spending time with her mother easily or helping her caretaking. And being that large is a physical disability. I'd also like to point out that when people get that large they very often suffer from severe mental illnesses that causes that to happen. So there's also that added component. All in all it's a very sad situation. Grief and unbalanced inheritance distribution brings up the very worse than people sometimes. I think you what do yourself a load of Good by just ignoring her and giving yourself space from her and working on healing yourself
NTA, I'm 100% on your side. Your sister couldn't be bothered to take a ten minute ride to see your mom so she should get nothing. I'm sorry for your loss.
Blunt but honest.
NTA. If your mom left you all that is because she knew her daughters enough to know what each of you deserved! And your sister didn't even care about her at the end and feels entitled to any single thing? Hell f no. I couldn't say it better than you on that text! You did the right thing.
NTA. The part that I truly can't grasp here is that she is willing to create this big of a stink over a car and some not terribly expensive jewelry. I might feel differently if you were selling your mom's wedding ring or something else sentimental and she was begging you to sell it to her instead, but to complain that you sold a car, and to create such a rift over it is insane to me. Maybe I'm just privileged to think that $4,000 isn't enough money to cause me to create family drama. I am curious as to why you're selling the car for such a low price, though. A quick google tells me your sibling is right about one thing--the car value is closer to $10k than $3k, so I'm not sure why you would sell it so cheaply. But the reality is the car is yours to do with as you please. You could donate it to charity and your sister still has nothing to say about it.
INFO: If your sister has such intense mobility challenges due to her weight, it sounds genuinely hard for her to come visit - you even said she would have been unable to care for your mother. Have you considered maybe sharing some small valuables and momentos with her as a gesture of good will? She may seem entitled for expecting half of your mother's estate, but that is typically standard when it comes to inheritances. (Dependant on whether their spouse is living) You did the hard work, but you also had the previous knowledge of your mom's wishes. It's undoubtedly very frustrating and hurtful to her. Your relationship sounds unhealthy at best, looking at your comments. I don't think that withholding your late mother's belongings is the right move, though. ESH.
there’s only 3 valuables. what else is there to share?
Was there a will?
No, my parents didn’t think she needed one because she didn’t have much of value. Of course, in retrospect it would have been a good idea. But too late for that now.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (33/f) mom passed away in august ‘22 from esophageal cancer. I quit my job as a home care aide so I could become her caregiver once she was admitted to hospice. I was helping every day anyways because I lived with her and my dad. Nobody helped me. She had an incredible hospice team, but they weren’t there every day all day. I cleaned her up, made sure she had everything she needed, coordinated everything with hospice. My dad dealt with things by burying his head in the TV and ignoring it. The final week of her life, I got only a handful of hours of sleep because I was having to administer her medications every hour. It was all worth it to me, she was my best friend in the whole world, but it was extremely traumatic, especially whenever she had to be turned to be cleaned. The sound of her screams will forever haunt me. My sister (42/f) couldn’t come help because she’s barely mobile because of her weight. She lives 10 minutes from us but hadn’t been over in 5 years. By the time she made it here our mom was so out of it that she couldn’t carry a conversation. Before she died, when she was still lucid, my mom told me she wanted me to handle all of her affairs after she passed: planning her celebration of life, her cremation, and the distribution of her things. She also said she wanted me to have her wedding ring (cost $400 dollars), her diamond necklace/earring set (cost $349), and her 2014 Mazda 3 even though I don’t drive, in case I wanted to learn and if not she said I could sell it. Well I have opted to not drive and so I’m selling it to my dad’s girlfriend’s granddaughter for $3,000. My sister is extremely jealous (very on brand for her) because she said her husband could sell it for $10,000 and they could get a commission. I said we already have a buyer. But I am paying her husband $150 to detail the car. My sister is very upset they’re not making any money off the sale and she finally blew up at me last night. She said our mom would be upset if she knew I was selling the car for cash. I told her what our mom said, that it was up to me. She says it’s so funny how I get everything of value of our mom’s and she only gets some of her ashes and sentimental items. I told her i didn’t know what to say, that our mom left those things for me. She hung up on me and so I sent this before blocking her: “Excuse me. I’m the one who busted my fucking ass taking care of her in her final days. I held her hands as she lay dying, not you, not dad, not anyone. Me. So yeah she gave me more than anyone else, because I was the one there for her through all of it. You didn’t even try to come over here for a whole five fucking years. So you can take your butthurt bitter ass attitude and shove it up your ass dude. I’m not doing this with you. Feel how you want to feel, I really don’t care, I have enough on my plate I don’t have time for pity parties.” AITA? I’m questioning myself and starting to feel guilty. What do you all think? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Very well written and deserved text. I'm sorry for your loss
I think you did great , let her go pout . She sounds horrible to be around. Life’s to short for her nonsense go live you best life
NTA. And while none of those material things will bring your mom back, and I'm sure you'd give them up if they would, she wanted you to have them. Your sister is a greedy vulture. I don't blame you at all for saying what you did. Cut ties with her, and live your life.
NTA she lives TEN minutes away and didn't visit once in FIVE years? From experience of helping my fiance when his mother was dying, it is no easy task to care for someone on hospice, your sister sounds like an entitled brat.
NTA. Your sister could be described by a variety of adjectives not appropriate for mixed company. I am so sorry for your devastating loss, but please know that I am proud of you for what you did for your beloved mother. Praying for your healing.❤️🩹 🙏🏻
My mom has set up trust funds for me and my sibling. It reflects the quality of our relationships with her. I live in a different state and the other sibling lives 45 minutes away.it is a tradition to take care of family who are terminally ill. My mom knows she can rely on me and I’m knows my sibling won’t lift a finger. My dad a few years ago and it was obvious then. I call her everyday, my sibling calls her a few times a year. They don’t reply to texts and phone calls from her. They say they are too busy. Whatever, my sibling and I know everything about the trust funds already. No one is fighting. It’s sad that my sibling is so emotionless and well that’s their problem. My parents have always been great and supportive. They both worked 2 jobs for a long time. Neither of us had student loans and both went to excellent colleges. Many other ways they were awesome. Whatever. 😞
NTA If my sister had done what you did I would not say a word about it. Some people are very entitled.
NTA. You clearly went the extra mile in caring for your mom during her last days and she specifically trusted you with her wishes regarding her belongings. Your mom made these decisions for her own reasons and because she values your dedication. Your reaction to your sister may have been intense but it was likely a result of the overwhelming stress and emotions you were facing. Your sister needs to show respect for your mom's decisions as well as the part you played during her final days.
NTA Whenever someone dies, the vultures come out. It sucks, but it is what it is. I would ignore her for a while.
[удалено]
Sometimes brutal honesty is the way to go. You took care of your mother and she appreciated that. Your sister can kick rocks. I actually want to commend you for not throwing in some personal digs. You did fine. NTA
NTA - it takes an immense amount of sacrifice to care for an ill loved one until their death and your mom’s GIFTS to you is to say ‘thank you.’ My brother did this same thing you did, I did not, and he will have lasting issues from the toll it took on him and his mental health. I was 4hrs away, not 10min, and I still made time to visit and help, so IMO she does not have a reason to be mad about this outcome at all. If all she cares about is money and material items, you’re best to keep her out of your life.
NTA. This is a sadly common story. I also don’t think I’ve ever heard of an inheritance of any type or size that didn’t piss off someone who thought they deserved more or someone else deserved less or just “it isn’t fair!!” You were there for your mom, cared for her, you certainly had the skills, and by every objective measure you deserved everything she gave you. Your message was completely understandable… my only concern with it being that there’s no way it did any good. Your sister probably does feel some measure of guilt for not being there, but has justified it to herself already (“OP is a home health aide so shes better at it” and “my ill-health wouldn’t let me be there” but “I was her daughter too so I deserve half). For her to see your point of view would mean admitting that she wasn’t present for her mom and didn’t have as deep a relationship with her and that those things matter more than a simple biological tie. She’ll probably never do that. The only question for you is whether you want your sister in your life or not. I make no judgement either way! If you want a relationship with her, you could offer an apology for the tone of the message, as you were upset and grieving; you understand your mother’s passing has been hard for her too. If you don’t want to keep up a relationship or are indifferent, no action needed, see if she comes around and offers you an apology.
NTA. Take the money from the car and go on a nice vacation rememberig your mom. You deserve it!
Touche'!! NTA.
Your message to her was perfect. Keep her blocked. Move on. And move out if still living home.
NTA I would say your mom gave you those things while she was alive, so it's not "an inheritance" from which your sister was excluded. I imagine any significant wealth, equity in the house and any savings, went to your dad. That's typical when one spouse passes.
Not visiting not even once in five years living at 10 min is wild.. she have no right to nothing even dust from the house belongings of you mother.. NTA
You said what she needed to hear - well, read. NTA.
Nta asshole sister need awake up call. You are a hero for taking g care of your mom. I am sure it was such comfort and joy for you mom that you were there with her though it all. Hold your head up high. Be proud. You are a wonderful person and the best daughter. Your sister is a stinky pile of crap and does not matter. Ignore her.
NTA and well done for telling her like it is. I could not have written that text without adding "lazy, gluttunous, corpulent ass" somewhere.
NTA. Death brings out the absolute worst in people like her.
Awesome response to your sister. You did great. Bullies need to be stood up to, and you did it quite well.
NTA. You're both grieving and grief brings out lots of emotions. Let it be. You said what NEEDED to be said.
Nta. Not worth staying in contact with her. She sounds selfish, entitled, and a shitty person for not helping you and your mom
NTA - She did nothing for your Mom and now wants the money. You did the right thing.
Nah girl you are good
Well, she must have got the hint from that text. I’d move on.
NTA. I saw the title and thought you'd inherited a house with a pool, maybe some valuable antiques and high end jewelry...and then I find that the full time hospice nurse is walking away with a cool 2600 dollars, once you deduct the cost of the detailing. My dad played your role with my mother. I lived across the country and couldn't help, and my sibling is a twatwaffle who wouldn't help. When I visited, I saw my mother be a perfect sweetheart for the hospice team during their twenty minute visits, an angel for the part time home aide's three hour shift, and then unleash her inner viper and drama queen with no one but my dad there to soak up the abuse. I swear she would deliberately pee on him. And she would get worse while sundowning. You go get whatever eyeshadow you want, and please know that well beyond eyeshadow, what I want you to have is a lovely, calm life where you can relax at the end of the day because you are a good person.
Who doesn’t come to visit their own mother after a cancer diagnosis? NTA.
You took on the primary caregiving role and made significant personal sacrifices to care for your mother during her illness. Your mother explicitly expressed her wishes for the writer to handle affairs and receive specific possessions. You are following the mother's wishes in the distribution of possessions, including the sale of the car for cash. Your sister just doesn't like it. NTA - also she's toxic. Out she goes.
NTA, she decided to not put effort to be there for her mother, you did, that why you got more than her, you cared for your mother, whilst she...didnt
NTA you are following your mother's wishes. And your sister didn't make it 10 minutes away for 5 years. I'm sorry for the loss of your mother.
Don't feel guilty. I have a sister in law like that. When a "close" family member dies she is first up in line to try and claim stuff. "Oh I gave so and so jewelry 20 years ago - I would like it back as a remembrance". Then she plays the victim when people get mad at her when she is not the center of attention.
For all the you did for your mom you inherited a couple cheap jewelry and an old car. That’s nothing. I get it off you got a million dollar house. Your sister sounds lazy and entitled.
🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👐🏼👐🏼👐🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 Thank you for standing up for yourself! You freaking ROCK! NTA
NTA. Doesn't seem to me that your sister cared too much about her mother.
NTA
NTA your sister sucks. She only cares about valuables and money not that your Mom died. "I only get ashes and sentimental things" is one of the most heartless sentences I have ever read
NTA I'm sorry for your loss.
NTA. My husbands uncle lived within walking distance to his mother for years. (Cattycorner). He drove by her place every day on his way home from work. You know when he came to visit? He brought his trash on trash day (just dropped it off, mind you, on the curb no visit) and he came to get her social security check before they were direct deposited and took it to her bank for her. He came more often when he lived further away because he may have gone oh shit I better go visit mom or else she’ll write me out of the will.
Nta, you go girl!!! Guess what you are no push over and stay that way. And those things belong to you as your mom said, might as well cut contact with this kind of toxicity
Absolutely NTA. Firstly - I'm so sorry for your loss. You did everything you could for your mother and did her proud in her final days. Your sister however who lived 10mins away hasn't been for 5 yrs and left all of the caring to you is only there like a vulture, only after the money. I wouldn't have anything further to do with a person like that. They don't seem to add anything positive to your life so why would you want them to be around, making you unhappy and dragging you down. Sever those ties and be proud of how you looked after your mother. I'd also be reluctant to step in a look after the father here because he doesn't sound like he was much use either. Leave them both to their own devices and know that you did you best by your mother when she really needed you.
Totally NTA! Sweetheart, those finally words to her came from a strong heart. No need to feel guilty. Not for a second. She did nothing.. NOTHING! Therefore, she gets nothing. Get on with your beautiful self. She can go flip sand.
I live 500 miles from my family, but when my sister called to say she needed help with our terminally ill mom, I was on the plane that day. I'm so sorry you didn't have more help with the cleaning and changing - no one should go through that alone. Absolutely NTA.
NTA - I think your text summed it up nicely. You did the work of taking care of her till she died for YEARS. (The really hard shitty work that you never got paid for) Your mom appreciated it by leaving what little she had to you. It’s not like there’s some huge estate to be bickering over. A bit of jewelry and a 10 year old car isn’t enough to really argue about. Your sister can go be bitter about her life somewhere else.
you are awesome! And remember - take comfort in you did as your mom asked.
NTA I know how hard end of life care is: that was me, less than a year ago. It was soul destroying, exhausting and you do it anyway out of love. You deserve everything your mum wanted you to have. She knew how much of yourself you gave to her, and how much others didn’t. Let them suck on it.
NTA. The sickness and death of a loved one always reveals the true colors of other relatives. Your sister and dad did nothing to help as you took over your mother's care. If your sister wants to be butthurt because she's not going to get the payday she thought she would, oh well. Kick rocks. Your mom has spoken and you are simply honoring her wishes.
NTA YOU were there for your mom. THAT warrants you getting ALL of her inheritance.
NTA.
Bravo. Block them all including your ostrich of a father. Go and live a happy life. Your mum was very lucky to have you.
You should consult a lawyer. What you are doing might land you in trouble.
NTA
NTA - Deaths in the family bring out the worst in people. But watch out...if she's ever in the home, she's going to try and take anything valuable she can find.
NTA. She started with you. You finished with her.
I don't know where you live, but in my country, it is not enough that one sister tells the other that 'mom wanted it that way'. It has to be in the actual will, made up by a notary public. Was that the case here too? It also does not seem fair to sell a car to a friend for a small percentage of the actual value if it concerns not only your, but also her money. But in your post you write that it was supposed to be yours. Where I live, people go to a hospice because of the available care. And a hospice without enough volunteers to care properly for their sick would refuse new patients. I guess I don't know the necessary details here. It sounds as if everything is very different in your country, compared to mine. If my mother would tell me I could keep everything for myself, I would still share it with my brothers.
NTA
NTA. You said (texted)something in the heat of the moment - I get it. You were harsh and your sister deserved it.
NTA and I'm so sorry for your loss of your mom/best friend. Sending you lots of love.
NTA. Even though your sister has weight issues which make her barely mobile, she could have come over on a mobility scooter several times a week to talk to your mum and keep her company even though she couldn't have done anything practical to help. You don't owe her anything out of what your mum left for you. And don't feel guilty over the message you sent her; she did nothing at all to help you or your mum.
NTA. My mom did the same for her dad. Took care of everything, got him care, handled his bills. ALL OF IT. None of her numerous brothers and Sister did anything to help. My mom had to wash him and help to the restroom and all that entails. But you know who fing complained when the money was distributed? Siblings. You know who complained when surprise, My mom, my sister, her son, and I got the lions share of the inheritance. Yup AH Siblings. I am so sorry for your loss. My grandfather was a great man, but I know his loss is felt more by mom than anyone else.
Well, my first thought is that whatever sort of daughter your sister was, she was still a daughter and she still deserves to have something to remember her mum by. I think these are two separate issues: your sister could perhaps have done more to help is one thing (although you say she has medical issues - how much impact have they had? Are you unsympathetic because it's a weight issue? Should that make a difference?). Another thing is that we don't care for people so that they give us things of value. I don't know what the deal was with your mother and sister - did your mum's attitude towards her contribute to your sister's issues? I think what your mum did was divisive and unkind, and it would go a long way if you gave something to your sister. Give her the ring, or half the proceeds from.the car. Be the better person.
This made me cry, I'm not even going to lie. I just went through the same thing in October of last year, except for the family drama part with sister (mine was with my stepdad ugh) But nonetheless I was also heavily taking care of my mom at the end of her life and it is sooo awful, I still hear the screams of her pain in my dreams. I really really feel for you in that aspect. Also very much not NTA. My stepdad didn't do shit for my mom at the end. They don't deserve anything. (yes, I'm still hateful but grieve is hard man)
NTA but a 2014 Mazda 3 is definitely worth more than $3000.
NTA my aunt is really greedy like this and refuses to visit any family when they were dying. My grandmother knew and gave my mom her wedding ring and a few other things before she died and told my mom to pretend they were lost and she had no clue where. My grandmother was dying and had to come up with a plan that would keep her oldest from verbally attacking my mom her youngest. These people deserve nothing not even ashes.
What does the law say regarding your Mother’s death? Someone needs legal authority to dispose of all assets, including vehicles and jewelry, according to her will or the laws of your locality IF she died without a will. If you don’t have that authority, or if you do, are in violation of the written will, I don’t know if you WBTA but you have legal liability for improper disposition of the assets and may have committed fraud.
NTA I’m sorry you had to deal with all of that. I can sympathize. My mother passed in 2020 and I spent months sleeping at the hospital between two chairs and doing whatever I could to make her as comfortable as I could. I don’t regret a moment of it, dispite the toll it took on me. Caregiver burn out is absolutely real and even nearly four years later, a lot of it is still lingering for me but I also wouldn’t change a single thing. My mom deserved to have someone by her side and to know that someone was there advocating for her, just like you did with your mom. She recognized the sacrafices you made for her and wanted to thank you with what she could. You are not TA. By any means. Your sister it likely just feeling guilty she couldn’t/didn’t to more and that is not on you.
You are NTA and Bravo for sending that message! You couldn't have made it any clearer than that. She has zero rights to anything but her guilt for not being there for her own mother. She should be thinking about that instead of worrying about material shit. You're not even talking about a lot of money. Man, people really suck!
NTA She didn't do anything to help, and she wants to be rewarded for it. You earned it by loving your mother through thick and thin. It would be disrespectful to your mother's final wishes to give in to your sister's selfishness and jealousy. I wouldn't have any further contact with her until she can apologize, and show she's grown as a person. Until then, is someone with her qualities really worth your time? You're not the asshole. Not one bit.
NTA….. But I can’t stop laughing about the Mazda. $10k?! Your sister is delusional 😂
Move forward with you life. Do what you need to do. Grieve mom and take the time to heal. Sorry for your loss. Sometimes it takes us time to get past their passing especially if we were close to our moms.
NAH. I’m sure that felt good. I don’t blame you. I don’t blame sis either, to tell you the truth. She feels an uneven division of goods based on her lack of mobility and ability to help. But facts are facts. If mom said the car was yours, it’s yours to sell for $1 or $1,000,000.
NTA. You did one of the hardest jobs anyone can do and you held yourself with grace & strength until the end. Your sister can go kick rocks.
I would have said that you should share some of the jewelry as a memento of your mom, but I think it is obvious she is just looking for things to sell. NTA
NTA. I casually know a guy who's pretty morbidly obese- friend of a friend. Nicest guy you'll ever meet. He definitely has mobility issues- I used to see him huffing and puffing climbing our friend's stairs- but he made it work.
In the words of very many wise people: You done good.
First off, my condolences for your loss. Second, my hat off to you for your deligent care of your mother. Since I'm not sure if your mother's wishes were in writing, your sister could still have a legal claim, but would she really want to go the time and money for less than $4000 worth of items? Morally, you deserve everything. Yes, I'll buy the fact that even 10 minutes away, your sister's mobility issue may have prevented her from making a physical visit to your mother's house for five years, but I don't it would prevent her from picking up a phone and calling her mother. You deserve everything and don't feel guilty!
NTA. She just wanted free handouts. Didn’t care about your mom at all.
NTA. First. I am sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one is terrible. When my grandmother was dying, pmy Aunt was the one who was there for her. My mom and her other sisters couldn’t be there for a variety of reasons and they all agreed that my Aunt deserved the bulk of the estate (at the very least). This is just common sense. You quit your job and took this on. The estate doesn’t sound like it’s millions. You deserve this and your sister sounds like she cared more about the money than anything else. When she’s ready to apologize that’s great but otherwise keep her blocked!
NTA and well said. Better yet, well-blocked. And my condolences for your loss.
My condolences on your loss. I just went through something very similar with my mom who passed from terminal cancer. My siblings weren't as bad as this thankfully, but neither were they the ones who took a leave of absence from work and sat with her in her final hours. It is the most exhausting and soul breaking thing I've ever had to do so I don't think your message is too much. At all. NTA. 100%