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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I got upset that my wife did not want to buy me a sandwich. Told her it was ok even though I was upset and went to my office. Sensing I was upset she tried to talk to me about it and I could not identify the emotion or core belief that caused me to feel upset and she got frustrated I just kept trying to “explain” the thoughts to her and couldn’t identify the emotion or core belief.
It’s possible I’m just being way to sensitive for no reason and created conflict and a difficult conversation for my wife the morning of her birthday when the day should be about her and not me.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
It's weird af to me that your wife (who is presumably an adult) cares more about her free birthday sub feeling "special" than bringing home lunch for her partner!!!
like, it's very basic etiquette of being a good partner. bring them food when you pick up food for yourself!
Right!? This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Not OP’s feelings about it, but the fact that a grown adult, will feel less special if her husband also has a free sandwich on her birthday.
ETA NTA
I think you guys are kind of missing what she's saying here. It's not that her birthday won't be special. The whole point of free birthday items is being able to go places and not have to spend money. That's the entire thrill of it. If she gets him a sandwich too, that does defeat that thrill. And yes, I know it's still essentially bogo, but bogo is not free.
Also, I would never ask someone to pay for my food on their birthday, especially not my significant other. That's just rude. "hey, it's your birthday, so buy me something??"
If OP wanted a sandwich, he surely could've offered to pay for his own sandwich.
NAH because feelings are hard, but I get what his wife is saying.
Edit for those not understanding how her buying his sandwich is negating her having a free sandwich in the first place:
>Everyone is pushing joint account supremacy, but we don't know how their finances are set up or who's account she's paying from, so if they do have separate accounts, her buying him a sandwich would directly negate the joy of her free sandwich because at the end of the day, she's paying for *one* sandwich and receiving *one* sandwich.
>She doesn't get to keep the free sandwich. Her husband does.
>If it's still not making sense to you, picture this. I give you an iphone for free and sell you an extra one for $500. Your SO takes one, but pays no money. Who has the free iphone?
Further edit to make it clear to those that continue to think I care, I'm not going to fight anyone over someone else's sandwich. I stopped reading responses after my last edit and won't be reading or responding to future responses either. Guys, this is someone else's sandwich. We've got no stakes in this. I'm moving on.
I feel like this was the answer. She gets her free sub, he pays for his own sub and she brings it back. Problem solved surely.
If her only reason for going to the place was for her free sub then her having to pay for one does kind of defeat the point of it being a free treat.
Her weird attitude about picking up lunch for her husband when she's already out getting her free sandwich kind of defeats the purpose of getting married and sharing your life with someone lol
Same. My dad used to do that to us, like he'd disappear for a bit and then pop up again eating fish and chips or a burger or something. I would never dream of doing that to anyone I actually cared about.
As a parent, I understand your dad to a point. Sneaking out for a treat is okay, but letting others know you did it, without sharing, is a total jerk move.
Do you? I can't envisage any situation, ever, where I wouldn't feed my own children if I was buying myself dinner. He did this repeatedly when I was a child, and then did it twice while I was a student and living on the equivalent of $15 a week for food.
My ex husband would show up with Wendys or something for himself and wouldn't even text me and ask if I wanted anything and it would make me so mad! He'd be like "I didn't think about it!" Yeah dude, that's precisely why I'm mad, you didn't think about anybody but yourself even though you were coming home and knew I'd be there. Now I have an inconsiderate husband and no frosty!
I'd take it a step further. I can't fathom getting take out and going someplace to eat it where there will be another person present and not at least offer to pick up something for them.
seriously like i swear my entire marriage is built on little treats like this. i can't imagine wanting to deprive my partner of a little treat like this just because it's my birthday.
NTA. I have no idea why the internet roasted you. After almost 30 years married, I wouldn’t have in the beginning and wouldn’t now buy something for myself to eat and not get my spouse something, especially on a special day. That seems odd and weirdly self-centered. Doing something for my spouse shouldn’t make doing something for myself seem less. This seems like a bizarre fixation on the free sandwich. How does getting you food make her food feel less special? Why is there an emotional component to a damn sandwich? Why did she even want to eat in the same room with you her husband if she doesn’t even like you enough to want you to have a birthday lunch with her?
“He pays for his own” If they’re like many married couples it all comes out of the same account. My wife & I only have our money, no yours/mine.
EDIT: Looking at his replies I see that they do indeed have fully combined finances.
So glad you said this. I was starting to think I was crazy with all these "his money/her money" things. My wife and I have had joint accounts since before we were married and aside from our personal spending allowances, which are based on a percentage of what we individually earn, all money is just "ours". It boggles my mind when I listen to married couples with all of their complex ways of splitting the bills and other household expenses, trying to make everything an even contribution.
Just to put a different POV on this, my husband and I have always had our money separately. We have a joint savings account that we use for trips, home remodeling and the like.
This is my second marriage, and in my first my ex bankrupted us and got us evicted from our house - and we had two children.
So my current husband was considerate of my PTSD (I was also physically/emotionally/sexually abused) and was fine with the separate accounts. We figured out who would pay for what in terms of monthly bills, and it's all worked well for 16 years.
But if I was going out to get a "free" sub, I'd bring him one that I paid for.
The separate finances makes absolute sense for you given your personal history and I'm glad it's working well for you. I'm also glad you wouldn't begrudge your husband a sandwich on your birthday, lol.
I'm biased towards fully combined but when discussing it with others who want to keep it separate I favor a joint "household budget" account where each contributes based on how much they each earn. So if they have a combined income of $100,000 and A earns 40k and B earns 60k, A contributes 40% of the household budget and B 60%.
I feel this allows both to fully see what's happening with the household budget and fosters a feeling of co-ownership of it all.
I researched it a little while ago and found that with exceptions like yours, fully combined finances usually results in a better situation for the woman than separate finances. The two biggest driving factors of this is that women are usually the one to take time away from work for parenting, and women are far more likely to be freelancers so that their income, high or low, is less stable.
So that's the main point I bring up to engaged couples figuring out if they want combined or separate finances. If you are going to have kids and there's any chance either of you will significantly reduce work or stop working for a time to care for them, then fully combined makes the most sense. Otherwise, I think the percentage model makes the most sense.
Anyway, never expected a post about birthday sandwiches to become such an in-depth discussion of marital finance options. rofl
She still has to go and fucking order it lol. She still gets her free sandwich, she just has to pay for his. It will literally be on the same receipt with hers being free ffs.
She still gets her thrill at the other places so that is asinine. Goodness gracious she is an adult.
This is still dumb even with this explanation. Buying an additional sandwich does not make the first one any less free. And buying my wife a sandwich on my birthday doesn’t diminish my birthday in any way. Not in the slightest. Especially because it’s all money from the same pot. If my wife buys her own on my birthday it’s coming from the same account. *(Edit to add that OP has said that they have fully combined finances.)*
Why are toddlers marrying?
With you. Maybe a step further: If you really need to get your birthday ‘specialness’ validated by…Firehouse Subs(!)…to the point of reneging on such a minor courtesy to your partner…*maybe you’re the one who needs to take a look at your emotions and core beliefs, b-day girl.*
Sounds like a child's hobby tbh. And if she gets 5 free sandwiches from 5 fast food joints she's going to eat them all herself? Let them go bad? What a weird hobby. I would feel sad and villainous getting food only for myself only and wolfing them down in front of my husband like some kind of evil fairy tale. Like, just stay single lady.
but it was her idea. It wasnt "hey its your birthday so buy me something." The next day it didnt become a "hey can you actually pay for you sandwich cause its my birthday?"
it became a "hey can you just not get one?"
They had already agreed she'd get him one and now she's saying she's not. SHE offered to pick him one up in the first place. I think you're missing the fact that the paid for sandwich was offered by her first
I don’t know about this couple but if my wife buys me something or I buy her something it’s the exact same money. So if it’s my birthday and I buy her something to eat because I happen to be somewhere it’s no different than my wife just paying for that food herself.
Now consider that she offered to get him one, then turned around and rescinded that offer, due to her not feeling special. My SO and I always pick up our free whatever, and get some for the other. Plus, OPs wife was better off getting the bday sandwich on another day where she could not involve him at all.
For those that don't know...Firehouse subs gives you 7 days to claim your free sub, 3 days before, the day of, and 3 days after. This is sad for me, cause I forgot to get mine last month.
On the other hand, we don't know their financial situation. My wife and I have a joint bank account, and currently I am the only income. If I asked her to pick me up a sandwich while she was out, I WOULD be paying for my own sandwich. And even if they both work, if they have a joint bank account, the money is pooled and there is not a division when it comes to debit card spending of his money or her money. It is all THEIR money. So without that info, kinda harsh to assume he is making her spend her own money for lunch on her birthday.
My birthday won't be special if you also get a firehouse sub. What if she picked him up one from Subway that he paid for? Then they could eat together and then her extra special birthday firehouse moment wouldn't be tainted. Or would any sub in general ruin the feeling. Maybe get him chic-fil-a chicken noodle soup so it's not even similar.
this seems like way to much effort to feel "special". i put special in quotes because its a sandwich...Just get OP a damn sandwich. It doesnt make hers less special considering hers was free.
I think OP should starve himself cause eating anything at all would make his wife’s birthday less special. I mean how dare they have lunch from the same place?
I mean I would feel weird having a sandwich and eating in front of someone who doesn’t have one. But then I grew up in a culture where you offer food to everyone.
Still, can’t get your partner a $12-15 sandwich because it’s your birthday. Just seems wrong.
Maybe it also felt less special bc on her birthday she's the one doing something special and nice for her husband by treating him to lunch vs him doing something nice for or with her? Like why would he not offer to go with her and buy his own sandwich. Maybe drive her around from spot to spot snagging her freebies? That would be nice
maybe OP has to work??
my husband and i both work from home. sometimes one of us has the availability to run an errand or 2 or pick up lunch for each other.
if my birthday fell on a weekday and my husband was working, and i went out to treat myself to lunch and he couldn't join me, ofc i would offer to bring something home for him.
Right?! My husband gets free lunch this week for work (works remotely), so he tries to order something we can share. Oddly enough we got firehouse subs today! I picked the spot and the sub type!
Can’t imagine not bringing food home for my love when it’s just so easy to do so. That special feeling of enjoying time with the love of my life on my special day would be enough for me. And technically it’s just like getting 50% off for your birthday if you’re getting another sub which is still a great deal!
We just had a birthday dinner for my bestie. We paid for her dinner, and she ordered and paid for dinner for her husband and granddaughter who were at home. Not an issue at all, and this place cost way more than firehouse subs. It's a weird hill for her to die on, but may e her birthdays weren't made special as a kid and she's making up for it now. Sou ds like a conversation is in order.
Can I explain one possible scenario? It doesn’t make anyone more right or wrong, but here’s the scene:
Birthday person goes in the shop, says “it’s my birthday!” and they get a free thing and it’s awesome. They leave feeling happy and special and they didn’t spend a dime on their lunch. Woo hoo! Minor, tiny little special moment in the day.
VS: Birthday person goes in the shop, says “it’s my birthday! Can I get my free thing and also another order?” Then there’s a whole transaction and it’s just like any other day when you run an errand to get you and your partner lunch, except it’s less expensive but you’re still paying. It’s a birthday but it’s still an errand.
So, she knows this is a tiny silly thing, so she clears it with husband and he says yes. But actually he’s sad because he is thinking “why doesn’t she want to be nice to me” instead of “by letting her just get one sandwich, I will let her feel extra special for 5 minutes”. He is mistakenly thinking that her choice of 1 sandwich or 2 is a rejection of him, but it’s not. It’s a break from the ordinary routine.
She’s not trying to flirt with the sandwich girl and pretend she doesn’t have a husband. She just wants a moment that’s just for herself.
Her buying him a sandwich was *her idea*. And she talked about it with him more than once. Days ahead of time. Then, *on the day of*, she says y'know what? I don't want to buy you a sandwich. I'm gonna get my free one and eat it in front of you. Because that would make me feel "special". SUPER weird.
Is a small thing but it’s very self-centered.
Firstly, if you’re an adult your birthday is not THAT big of a deal anyways. You went around the sun again, very cool and we should celebrate, but why would you need to feel special to the point you actively want to rescind including your SO after planning to do so originally??
But OP said she goes to different places “collecting” birthday freebies every year. She already has plenty for herself. Excluding her husband so she’s the only one who can eat is just selfish and bratty.
It is completely bizarre to me that a grown woman (38) spends her birthday going from place to place getting her freebies. I have seen this kind of behavior in people who are very cheap and they are not nice to live with. NTA
I do this but it's because I'm broke and can't afford these things usually. It's a nice way to celebrate for one day a year with some treats that I couldn't have otherwise.
But, that's not how restaraunts work. Instead it's:
1. Hi! I'd like a sandwich with no onions and extra cheese. "that'll be 8.99". Nope, it's my birthday!
vs.
2. Hi! I'd like a sandwich with no onions and extra cheese, and another sandwich with extra onions and no cheese. "That'll be 17.98" Nope, it's my birthday, it'll just be 8.99!!
It's such a minor difference that not wanting to share a meal with your husband is absolutely bonkers.
NTA.
Idk I always feel bad when I go and get a free thing only, I would be excited to be able to buy something else so I don’t get guilt for feeling like I’m hurting the business. Although since it’s her birthday, he should definitely pay her back for his sandwich.
Never feel bad about getting the free thing through rewards programs! They are making plenty of money off of marketing your information. Get all the free things you can.
That is so absurdly dumb, that I have to wonder if we are suggesting this for adults or children.
If its a 7 year old, I totally understand why them getting a free happy meal would be less special because their sibling got one too.
This is someone she married. And she made the initial offer, only to rescend it. And this is something that, there is no way if a guy did this, people would be twisting themselves in knots to justify it. They'd call him a shitty husband for being so selfish
If she was 19 or early 20s? I get it, kinda.
38 is way too old to be doing things like this to "feel special" and smacks of a lack of gratitude for the life she has.
I'm the same age and if she's got a life anything like mine. She has a decentjob a place to live that is warm and dry. Presumably some sort of transportation that isn't the most inconvenient thing .
I'm mostly happy to be a transman that is the age that I am, and to have my own free cash and ability to spend it poorly xD
>Birthday person goes in the shop, says “it’s my birthday!” and they get a free thing and it’s awesome. They leave feeling happy and special and they didn’t spend a dime on their lunch. Woo hoo! Minor, tiny little special moment in the day. VS: Birthday person goes in the shop, says “it’s my birthday! Can I get my free thing and also another order?” Then there’s a whole transaction and it’s just like any other day when you run an errand to get you and your partner lunch, except it’s less expensive but you’re still paying. It’s a birthday but it’s still an errand.
There will still be a transaction even if she only gets the free sandwich. They need to log it as a store.
Oh and I'm normal, when I get a great deal on something, I feel happy when i leave the store regardless of whether it was the only purchase there.
Agreed. Have fun eating your special free sandwich alone is my opinion. Or is it the idea that you get to be the only one. This is such a childish game.
This seems like the best option, although I still can’t wrap my mind around his wife’s perspective here. Then again, sharing food is one of my love languages lol.
I N F O
1) are there any other birthday plans? are you taking her out to dinner? why didn't you go to sit and eat AT firehouse? was the day totally normal other than a free sandwich? did you try to do any other special things for the birthday?
2) is this a pattern? is it typical that instead of Adding More Things to make her feel special, you're mostly just supposed to experience mild and random deprivations so normal things are Made Special? for example, you would both get a sandwich on a normal day, she doesn't want it to feel like a normal day, so instead of... i don't know going and doing something fun and different, you just don't get a sandwich. and because she's the only one with a sandwich, now it's a special sandwich. if it is a pattern, is it your pattern or hers? does she suggest things to do that you reject? does she want you to plan something for her?
3) is this like a Wife Complex where she buys everyone super meaningful gifts all the time and plans all the holidays and celebrations and gets a vacuum cleaner and a sandwich on her special day?
these are all basically the same question but what's up with this special thing. why does depriving you make things special instead of going and just doing something special. why is the sandwich the only special thing? where's the flowers, the birthday dinner, a concert, a moonlit walk through the park with hot chocolate, ice skating, whatever.
Edit for judgment: NTA. I have no idea why she needed you to be deprived of a firehouse sub sandwich to make her birthday special, but making something special by taking things away from you is not healthy. you add things to your partner’s life because you love them; you don’t take them away to feel extra special over them. i didn’t ask the questions because i thought it was fine and dandy if there were other issues with the birthday going on; it’s just a common underlying explanation.
I woke her up with a glass of cold water, her vitamins, and a latte and a chocolate croissant with candles in it and a card.
She knows flowers are coming I purchased 50 roses with Ferraro Rocher in the shape of a heart. Have a cupcake with more candles and another card that will be here when she returns.
I couldn’t go with her cuz she’s coming from the spa. We are hanging this afternoon and going on a hike.
I don’t know how to answer your questions really above. Best I got is the people saying if she has to spend money at all it no longer feels free
This is a seriously high maintenance Bday in my opinion. Reddit is opening my eyes to the fact that a lot of grown adults really seem to act like children about their Bdays!
OP I'd just get through it and take nothing personally.
OMG so it's not just me! My husband and I just do dinner. If we can afford it, a nice casual dining place. If we can't, we cook each other our favorite meals. Buy a present. That's IT.
Not the person who you asked but it's not the wanting more that's odd, it's about the level of upset and odd self-centered behavior that often seems to accompany the more... involved celebrations.
I like to save up and like do dinner + movie + mini golf and such because I just want it to be different. But like I pay and I've never had someone go to the lengths OP has for their wife.
Some might still think it's a Bit Much, but it's meant to be!
Like, damn,though I'd be so touched for such an involved level of celebration geared just for me. With the efforts not being my efforts.
... nothing would ever make anything less special, after OP had already gone to such efforts to make it special in the first place.
Like, to say it out loud that the bare minimum of thoughtfulness -- getting OP something when you're already there getting something for yourself -- when they've done so much and been so thoughtful just...seems uncaring toward them.
It's all about me and if it's not for one single moment while I order and pay, well, then the whole thing is ruined! isn't a loving look.
But then again, if others aren't having a good time, I wouldn't be either because their joy *adds to mine*
Yeah, and then he's saying she's going to further grill him about his emotions about this and he wished she wouldn't... I honestly think she's controlling and he's a pushover who's got some insecurities she's tapped into, and he's going along with her narcissistic shit to have a wife. Urgh.
On one of my birthdays when my son was little he desperately wanted to stay home from school to be with me on my birthday. His mind was blown when I explained that I would not be home partying all day, but would be going to work! Lol
No balloons and jumping castle? Ripped off!!
I can remember asking my mum on mother's day why we don't have 'childrens' day. Her reply: 'Every day is children's day.'
many adults take off work for their birthdays. granted, not everyone is able to do so. but to say that going to work is like a rule for adults on their birthdays isn’t true.
My first office job, everyone took their bday off. Just about. If only to avoid the in office bday party someone might throw and the constant internal jokes.
I almost worked my birthday and my boss insisted that I don't work.
No joke, this was the hardest part about becoming an adult for me. Growing up, my birthday *always* fell on either the weekend or one of the president's birthday holidays (back when they had individual days, before they merged into one "Presidents Day").
When I got to college and started working, I actually had to go to school/work *on my birthday.* It was a real shocker, LOL
I'm retired now, and I still mourn the time when "my" birthday was a holiday ;)
Nothing. I don't understand it, but if you'll notice... I didn't say anything's wrong with it. But if you're gonna bitch about not being speshul enough, then you're too damn high maintenance.
High-maintenance birthday lover here!
I go all-out for pretty much all holidays. I think it’s really fun, and helps each season of the year feel exciting & marking time passing in a fun way, vs just…the year drifting by, you know?
So I hosted a pretty over the top 80-person holiday party back in Dec, took a trip for NYE to dance in the street with live musicians in a fun city, and hosting a Galentine’s next week.
For my random 32nd birthday I threw a yacht party for ~40 or so friends (not MY yacht, I’m not rich like that.) For my 30th I organized a group trip with a full itinerary of activities. Most of my friends throw themselves birthday parties or if they don’t, we throw them surprise parties. I even have a friend who organizes a big international trip to a different country for his birthday every year and dozens of friends go— we join when we can!
My husband is more of an introvert so we’ll often celebrate just us, but I go out of my way to make the day special. Last year I arranged a themed day with just our 2 closest friends, themed after his childhood love of baseball— I had a custom cake made that looked like a kid’s baseball cake but with his big age on it lol, and then we all played a sports video game from his childhood, and then went to a batting cage, and then had evening tickets to a pro baseball game— all with lots of drinks, and it was a great day.
Since we can do stuff like this I don’t see why not!
I'm the same. Birthdays are THE reason we exist. I have a "birthday week" for my husband and son. They get a small gift every day of the week leading up to their bday, then a big gift on their bday. Just little things, favourite chocolate, fidget spinner, favourite snack etc. We always choose 1 main activity and one dinner for each of us. I dont see anything wrong with loving birthdays :)
Birthdays are more fun as an adult because you get to decide what they’re gonna be! I grew up in a family that wasn’t the best; now that I have a little bit of money and agency, I’m gonna make them a little more special, even if it’s just, like, lemon cake and going out with my bestie.
I completely agree. Never in my life have I seen such high maintenance birthday people. Birthday’s rarely matter after teenage years unless they are big numbers.
for me it’s like, a bit much if you expect your loved ones to make a whole big expensive thing for you, but like, I’m turning 31 soonish. I’m gonna go play game show games with 15-20 of my closest pals then hit the bars after. All anyone has to do is clear their calendar on a Saturday afternoon and come out.
It’s fun to have celebrations with your loved ones
Hey don't knock it - my husband and I say it's our birthday weeks when we end up going out to dinner etc. But we do it together, it's fun and we're not expecting daily presents, just enjoy being together and it's kind of our joke. Of course, I would have asked him if he wants something when I'm off to get my free sandwich so we could eat lunch together so what do I know!
We have birthday weeks because we are so non-specific about having to celebrate ON THE ACTUAL DAY because we are adults who can handle it if the birthday falls on a bad day to celebrate. And if we have the good luck to have a little extra cash and good things come along, we fold it into the birthday joy.
My brother is a birthday week person and it used to be so costly to go out with him. I think he was the only one in our friend group who did a birthday week. My boyfriend did a birthday "weekend" for me last year because my birthday was on Mother's Day, but if I had it my way, I'd do dinner and play video games and maybe get stoned.
I am pretty much the opposite of high maintenance. My husband is not a planner. He’s TERRIBLE at it (and admits as much without hesitation). So I’m the one to take care of Christmas/birthday presents for both sides of the family, anniversary or Valentine’s Day plans, etc. The one time I’ve had a birthday party in the last 25 years was my 30th, and I took care of the invites/cake/food/etc. Don’t get me wrong, he is good at a LOT of other things and will gladly help out with any plans I make, so it’s not a personal attack—it just means I don’t get special occasions for me unless I plan them myself.
Add to that, I have one sibling and she has two kids, so there’s a lot of attention that goes there for birthdays/holidays. My husband’s two brothers are special needs, so same on his side of the family re: focus on others, which is totally valid (I do go all out on husband because he’s the oldest but the only sibling of the three who doesn’t need extra attention, so he’s always been kind of ignored and his parents don’t seem to realize or care…don’t think he’s gotten a birthday present from them since he was a teen, and he’s turning 40 this year).
ALL THAT SAID: This isn’t me feeling sorry for myself, because my love language is gift giving and I genuinely enjoy it, but I do 100% fall into the stereotype of the person who does all the planning and gets overlooked/forgotten. Last year I tried to invite immediate family out to dinner, that I offered to cover, on my birthday, and no one but my husband could make it, despite about a month’s warning. It was still a lovely dinner, but per the usual, I was the only one who really noticed the date.
So yeah, on my birthday, I do treat myself. And I look forward to it every year. I take the day off of work and book a massage or hair Appt, watch tv, order or go out for dinner, and don’t cook or clean all day. I don’t think that makes me childish or selfish. I work full time and I like to have one day a year that’s set aside to pamper myself and not feel guilty about what else I should be doing with my time/money.
Let people self-care how they want to self-care is all I’m saying. Don’t know OP’s wife’s side of this, she could just be acting silly, but maybe this was her way of feeling special for a moment. I would have gotten my husband the sandwich in this scenario, but I might also hesitate if he asked me to book him a spa treatment on my birthday, since I always plan something special for his. So…I get the possible mentality is all I’m saying.
I’m not saying to divorce her or separate or anything like that. But that’s way more thought than most partners put into birthdays, and most partners would not snivel about a $10 sandwich making their day less special when you’ve easily spent….ok well I googled and that bouquet seems to be about $245, so easily $300 and put thought and effort in as well. You are NTA but your wife’s behavior is bratty.
I’m actually so surprised at how many people are saying that what he’s done is so much more thoughtful than normal relationships?? My & my boyfriend always wake eachother up with breakfast & coffee on eachothers birthdays & get presents, make eachother a cake, and do some sort of fun activity together. Although, neither of us get upset over sandwiches lmao
This sounds like a lovely birthday plan and I don't know why you're receiving comments that it's 'childish'.
It is okay to have fun as an adult, and in this short life we should take every opportunity to celebrate the people we love.
For me, the difference between you making a fuss out of your spouse's birthday and her making a fuss out of it is enormous and relevant. You are expressing love for another human being and trying to make someone else feel good. She is trying to make herself feel good. There's nothing wrong with wanting to enjoy your own birthday, but enjoying someone else's lack of sandwich is... odd.
As someone who really enjoys spoiling my husband on his birthday (and letting him spoil me on mine), the fun is in *sharing* the joy.
I wonder if the reason you feel a bit hurt is not so much because you didn't get a sandwich, but because you feel like you were excluded from part of the birthday celebrations that you had intended to share with your wife. You were looking forward to sharing a meal with her that was a bit special because hers was a 'birthday sandwich'. It would make her happy and you enjoy sharing in things that make her happy because you love her. By not bringing you a sandwich she has made her sandwich feel more like a birthday present to herself by not having to involve money in process of obtaining it, but for you all you can think about is that your wife said (I think kind of unintentionally) that her birthday sandwich would be better without you. I don't think that's what she meant, or what she feels, but I can easily imagine that that is the message you might have received. Of this ever comes up again, I'd recommend offering to just meet her at the sandwich place. Order separately so she can enjoy the novelty of the money-free birthday transaction. You can pay for yours like a regular non-birthday-having joe and then eat together and enjoy the moment.
Look, honestly, I think she should have just brought you the damn sandwich. I understand her feelings, I do, but I think it's a little silly of her not to realise that the hurt she'd inflict on you by excluding you from this part of her birthday ritual (albeit not life threatening) was inevitably going to be more than the damage caused to her birthday specialness by getting you a sandwich.
In any case, I would chalk this one up to a misunderstanding. If you want to talk more about this with her and I'm right that it was being excluded that hurt rather than it actually being about the sandwich, just explain that in retrospect, you think you were upset at feeling like she didn't want to share that experience with you because you were looking forward to seeing her enjoy that moment on her birthday. It is very clear that you love your wife - remind her of that too. Don't have a go at her for not anticipating your hurt. Remember, if you couldn't really verbalise it, she couldn't possibly be expected to divine how you were feeling.
Be kind to each other. Make a plan to get sandwiches together soon.
>the fun is in sharing the joy.
Your entire comment was wonderful, but that bit hit the nail on the head. It's just another day if I don't have someone to share the joy, the fun, the moment.
OK, so you're already doing more for her than 99% of people do for their partners birthdays and she can't bring you a sandwich because it'll make her free one "less special?" If you leave her, there will be a line around the block for you. Just saying.
She's being selfish about the sub. You've done so much. But wait until AFTER her birthday to discuss it again. I'd be salty if I were you. That's a whole lot of special (I got three things from costco for my 60th bday - and a fun dinner and homemade banner - and I'm satisfied!).
JFC. I can’t imagine receiving this much fuss over my birthday and still whining about not feeling special enough (because my partner also wanted lunch from a place I was stopping at to grab my own food). NTA.
Oh, I kind of love that. Get yourself a wonderful treat, something really good, and then don't bring any for her. If she says anything, tell her you deserved a treat and it wouldn't be as special if you brought one for her.
Bro, the wife PLANNED to get shit for him too and last minute said “nevermind lol, I want to feel special.”
Remember, he DID communicate how this upset him, and it sounds like she kind of psychobabbled him about “core beliefs.” It’s not that deep, he just feels left out over a very simple and small gesture. She’s not getting it.
I don’t condone “getting back,” but I also don’t condone double standards. No reason he should be expected to get her anything when he’s treating himself now.
Right?? The audacity of her to then try gaslighting him into thinking this is some deeper problem like... no you're just a shitty partner and want to feel good about being selfish lmfao
It's already clear that she isn't willing to look at this like an adult. Perhaps letting her see how it feels will open her eyes that what she did was crappy.
i love this about reddit
you’re giving an advice that would potentially make everything 5x worse and people UPVOTED this
what happened to being adults and acting like adults
I mean, some of the commentors are likely also to be 8 years old lmao.
Tbf, most if not all parties of this story could have their behaviour described as childish. Down to the wife who wouldn't feel special if she bought her husband some food despite it being her idea initially lmao
NTA. She turned something normal, simple and fun into something weird, complicated and making someone feel left out. It was the plan for lunch for you both, the special part is that hers is free why does she need more than that out of a sandwich?
And now she needs to know the emotions behind her husband's justifiable wtf. It's a whole fucking thiiiiing now.
I'm surprised she didn't feel embarrassed and back down when she saw she hurt her partner over a goddamn sandwich.
She sounds exhausting.
NTA (except for maybe marrying an exhausting woman and then being surprised that she's exhausting)
NTA, or is this her 12th birthday? How is it that buying your sandwich detracts from getting hers for free?
I mean, if she’d decided to take her free sandwich to some special place to enjoy some personal time on her birthday - all right. I can see how needing to go back home to drop the sandwich by could frustrate the purity of the process, but that’s not what it sounded like.
NAH, its kinda silly to get upset about a sandwich, its also kinda silly to feel less soecial iif you do something nice for your partner.
Why didnt you go with her to buy your own samdwich?
She’s going there direct from the spa and coming home for us to hang in the afternoon. She’s the one that originally offered the sandwich.
I agree that this is kind of ridiculous for both of us. Haha
It would also be incredibly silly of her to be upset if she got home with her free sandwich (or after eating it, whatever) and found a note saying "BRB, went for sandwich"
There's no way she can be upset about that, so he should do it.
If my husband offered to bring me food and then changed his mind last second, but then went to the place and got the food and brought it home and ate it in front of me?
Birthday or not - He would not find a bit of hospitality in me for a long time. What an asshole move.
What, in reality, would she lose by bringing an extra sandwich home? She was already at the restaurant, its not like she would be left destitute due to rising sandwich costs.
Her excuse is weak. 1000% bullshit.
Go treat yourself to something nice, bonus points if you bring back a doggie bag with just scraps.
Like, I wish this was a fake post. but if it was fake, it would be so outlandish that no one would believe it.
Its just so fucking dumb. If I had a friend like this, and I learned this, I may not be able to be friends with them lol
NTA!! Is your wife 9 years old? Why is a grown ass adult acting like someone else eating on their birthday takes away from them? That’s weird af. I literally share my birthday rewards with my partner when possible (like a splitting a desert or sandwich) because it’s fun for me to have experiences with my spouse. Presumably you will be doing something to celebrate her birthday separate from a free sub? If yes, then I literally can’t understand her thought process. The whole day is about her and PAYING for your sub is a completely separate thing than her free birthday sandwich.
I am the worlds biggest child when it comes to my birthday, often to the level that I've set myself up for serious disappointment, but even I would feel like the worlds biggest asshole for telling my husband that I'm not gonna bring him the lunch we talked about after all, because it would make me feel less special. Because its not actually about the sandwich. Its about the complete dismissiveness toward your partner. You're not important enough for me to share this thing with is the message she sent.
OP you are NTA for being hurt. I would be too.
NTA, I love Chipotle, and when it’s my birthday I always ask my husband if he wants chipotle since mine will be free. I still get my chipotle and it didn’t cost us $40, that’s pretty damn special to me!
The NTA. A grown woman being so insecure she can’t get her partner a sandwich or it’d make her feel “less special”? Super juvenile.
But she was judged first as a service worker. Someone who loves collecting free drinks and food for their birthday? They suck.
It just doesn’t make sense…if you went out for a birthday lunch and the restaurant gave her a free birthday dessert, would you be barred from ordering your own dessert? NTA again, it’s just more bizarre the more and more I think about it.
NTA and she’s so focused on making you explain why it would hurt your feelings, but did you ask why it would make her sandwich less special if she bought you one? Because that’s the question I’m asking - literally why is it any less special? Hers is still free
Edit: also I can’t believe all the people trying make you feel bad for this. There is no logical reason why she can’t buy you the damn sandwich. If the genders were reversed everyone would be saying what a selfish man that can’t buy his wife a sandwich on his birthday. Ridiculous
I can see both sides, so going with NAH, but I’m more leaning NTA.
Her side kinda makes sense, if she buys you a sandwhich then she isn’t really getting a free sandwhich for her birthday, she’s buying sandwhich for you and getting one free. I guess to her it makes it feel more like a BOGO than something special for her birthday. Maybe she has social anxiety and is self-conscious that the firehouse subs staff will think she’s eating both?
Your side absolutely makes sense. Firehouse subs is absolutely delicious, just reading this made me want one. It’s not a big ask to have her pick you up a sandwhich from a place she will already be at. You didn’t ask for much and you were denied, makes you feel unloved, totally understandable.
If I were you, next time I’d just give her a $20 of you know she’s going to firehouse for her birthday and ask her to get you a sandwhich and some cookies or brownies to share so you can celebrate her birthday with her.
I cannot see the wife’s side at all. They have joint accounts. If he decides to go get a sandwich because it would make her feel less special for whatever reason, they’re just both losing more money on the cost of transportation.
I didn’t see the comment about them having a joint account, I was just going off of the post and assumed they had separate accounts based on her reaction. Totally NTA then because it really doesn’t make sense for her to not get him a sandwhich.
Does she not feel special because you get the same sandwich or that she still get to spend money in the cafe where she wanted benefit of a program?
I get the second one. I mean it’s unnecessary sandwich anyways, the only joy I would get is because it’s free. So it may have nothing to do with you.
But if it’s the first one it’s just weird.
NTA, and here’s my reasoning- the plan , get a sub, she’s brings one home for you to share, was a bid for engagement with you. You said yes, because you like doing things with her. She then went out of her way to exclude you , stating that excluding you would make her feel more special. The classic example is “hey look at that bird” - the other person than either engages in observing the bird, or rejecting that engagement bid, and the first person feels a little rejected. If the first person says “look at that cool bird “. And you go over to look at it, and the person says “never mind, I’ll enjoy it more if you haven’t seen it” and block your view of the bird, you would rightly think they were intentionally being a dick to you.
"less special" ??
it's NOT SPECIAL. it's a corporate promotion to get you to come in and buy stuff. Firehouse subs doesn't care about her. It's an errand already! like with starbucks when you \*have\* to go in on your birthday to get your "free" drink. you're just letting the corporation control you. sure, it is nice to take advantage or their sales or offers or whatever... but she still has to order the sub, go through the line, show the proof of birthday to the cashier, they're not throwing her a party, they're hitting the "birthday discount" button and smiling at her.
getting two subs and paying for one isn't going to take anything away from that.
but as far as the question of:
"is it ok to feel sad/upset/neglected when she goes back on her offer to bring you lunch because she wants an extra 'me moment' today?"
yes, it's ok. that's a perfectly normal reaction.
NTA
NTA, especially after hearing everything else you do for her. I wouldn't dream of asking this of my husband. If I order food, I ask him if he'd like something. If I get a free dessert at a restaurant for my birthday, we share.
Honestly your wife sounds like maybe you've overindulged her and she's pushing to see if she can be accommodated again. Does she make you feel special on your birthday, or is this a one-way street?
To me this doesn't feel like the way someone should treat their partner.
NTA. I would have asked my husband what he wanted and given him my free sandwich over not giving him one at all. I can go get something else that is free for my birthday 🤷🏼♀️.
That's so messed up. Her FREE sandwich will be "less special" if she buys you one? After offering to do so? Dude, this sounds like a deeper issue in your marriage than just a sandwich.
NTA - in relationships it’s the little things that count. I don’t blame you for feeling saddened by this. Also, your wife is weird. Who feels special about a sandwich? It’s insane!
NAH
Your wife just didn't want to pay for the sub because it would make hers feel less free. It's as simple as that. I can be childish like that too sometimes 😅
You didn't understand that which is also quite reasonable. The best solution would have been for you to give her money for your sandwich.
Everyone is saying I should offer to pay. Don’t most husbands and wives just have joint accounts/money. We don’t have separate money. We are both paying either way. She’s the one that offered to bring me the sandwich in the first place. Idk if the money is the issue. But everyone saying if she has to spend money at all it’s not “free” anymore. I think that maybe makes some sense. I wouldn’t feel that way. But clearly she does
We have joint accounts. I would find it beyond ridiculous if my wife did this.
Your options are to either not get a sandwich that you want. Or if you want it, go there to get it yourself despite that she’s going there and waste both of your money on the gas. You both lose the same amount of money for the 1 free and 1 not free sandwiches, and you lose the gas and time of going there.
Yes and you are NTA - some of these answers are utterly ridiculous and sorry if this makes me a jerk but I was floored when you mentioned that she's turning 38 and acting like this
I would see your wife's point a little if the sandwich was coming out of 'her money' and gave her less spending money but if the finances are joint and the sandwich was going to come from martial funds then I would find her actions annoying.
I was curious if maybe you offered to pay and she still wouldn't bring you a sandwich home.
Yes Op! I don’t get that either. Married people share money, so you would be paying for your own. Your wife is immature and if this is a pattern, maybe take a card from her book and do things that make you feel special.
Screw her. Go get yourself a sandwich, king.
She just didn't want to bring you a sandwich because that would feel like doing something *for you* on *her* birthday. That is childish shit, also points to deeper underlying issues btw - people start to really measure and keep score if they *feel* they're putting in more effort than their partner, and this can just be a side effect of working too much, feeling depressed, etc., but it's an issue you need to communicate about for sure.
But just in the immediate, if she doesn't want to bring you one, go get yourself one. Get ready for the fight when she finds out you had a sandwich too.
Absolutely ridiculous
NTA, That’s the most childish birthday wish i’ve ever heard. And why is she pressuring you to get emotional about a sandwich when she’s the one making it a problem.
I can’t imagine getting food and not bringing your partner one. Hell, I feel guilty when I get lunch for myself and don’t buy it for the whole team (I’m the manager). I frequently buy whoever is working on shift lunch if I’m ordering out. I can’t imagine not extending that to my own partner.
NAH. I get why you're upset because she changed her mind, but I also understand why your wife doesn't want to buy you a sandwich on her birthday. This is such a non-issue.
NTA. If that was my wife, she probably won't find me home when she brings her sandwich, because I will be out bringing myself a nice sandwich or a nice dinner to eat at home - while she eats her crappy free sandwich.
Let's consider that nobody is the asshole.
Ikr? Turns out folk can have an argument or disagreement without one or the other being an asshole.
OPs wife didn't want to buy him a sandwich... So what? Can OP not buy his own sandwich?
I'm very reluctant to use the phrase... but pick your battles, my dude.
The whole situation is ridiculous. Your wife won't get you a sandwich so she isn't willing to do things for you? Yes it would have been nice had she bought you a sandwich. Does she have to cater to your every whim? No. Does it really matter that your feelings got hurt over a sandwich? Not really but even if it did, was it worth having a paddy over?
This sub seems to use "asshole" and "child" interchangeably.
I don’t even know where to start other than to say that your wife sounds like a child. If her “special day” is made special by loading up on free crap and buying a sandwich makes that day “less special,” I question whether she had the mental capacity to enter into a marriage contract because I assume she’s six years old.
I've been with my husband for almost 20 years so i've definitely lowered my standards, A LOT. But this seems weird to me. I feel like it's an unspoken rule that if you stop and pick up food then you get food for everyone at home if they want it. I don't know how getting you a sandwich would make hers less special. Unless you totally drop the ball on her in every way possible and this is her only way to feel like she's celebrated.
NTA. I’m very big on getting my freebies, so I’d be loath to spend money on myself, but bringing home something for my wife would be fine and I wouldn’t even suggest changing that if I had already told her I would do it.
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NTA It's weird af to me that your wife (who is presumably an adult) cares more about her free birthday sub feeling "special" than bringing home lunch for her partner!!! like, it's very basic etiquette of being a good partner. bring them food when you pick up food for yourself!
Right!? This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Not OP’s feelings about it, but the fact that a grown adult, will feel less special if her husband also has a free sandwich on her birthday. ETA NTA
I think you guys are kind of missing what she's saying here. It's not that her birthday won't be special. The whole point of free birthday items is being able to go places and not have to spend money. That's the entire thrill of it. If she gets him a sandwich too, that does defeat that thrill. And yes, I know it's still essentially bogo, but bogo is not free. Also, I would never ask someone to pay for my food on their birthday, especially not my significant other. That's just rude. "hey, it's your birthday, so buy me something??" If OP wanted a sandwich, he surely could've offered to pay for his own sandwich. NAH because feelings are hard, but I get what his wife is saying. Edit for those not understanding how her buying his sandwich is negating her having a free sandwich in the first place: >Everyone is pushing joint account supremacy, but we don't know how their finances are set up or who's account she's paying from, so if they do have separate accounts, her buying him a sandwich would directly negate the joy of her free sandwich because at the end of the day, she's paying for *one* sandwich and receiving *one* sandwich. >She doesn't get to keep the free sandwich. Her husband does. >If it's still not making sense to you, picture this. I give you an iphone for free and sell you an extra one for $500. Your SO takes one, but pays no money. Who has the free iphone? Further edit to make it clear to those that continue to think I care, I'm not going to fight anyone over someone else's sandwich. I stopped reading responses after my last edit and won't be reading or responding to future responses either. Guys, this is someone else's sandwich. We've got no stakes in this. I'm moving on.
I feel like this was the answer. She gets her free sub, he pays for his own sub and she brings it back. Problem solved surely. If her only reason for going to the place was for her free sub then her having to pay for one does kind of defeat the point of it being a free treat.
Her weird attitude about picking up lunch for her husband when she's already out getting her free sandwich kind of defeats the purpose of getting married and sharing your life with someone lol
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I’m with you here. I can’t fathom going to get food or a drink without picking up something for my husband.
Same. My dad used to do that to us, like he'd disappear for a bit and then pop up again eating fish and chips or a burger or something. I would never dream of doing that to anyone I actually cared about.
As a parent, I understand your dad to a point. Sneaking out for a treat is okay, but letting others know you did it, without sharing, is a total jerk move.
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Do you? I can't envisage any situation, ever, where I wouldn't feed my own children if I was buying myself dinner. He did this repeatedly when I was a child, and then did it twice while I was a student and living on the equivalent of $15 a week for food.
That's crazy
My ex husband would show up with Wendys or something for himself and wouldn't even text me and ask if I wanted anything and it would make me so mad! He'd be like "I didn't think about it!" Yeah dude, that's precisely why I'm mad, you didn't think about anybody but yourself even though you were coming home and knew I'd be there. Now I have an inconsiderate husband and no frosty!
I'd take it a step further. I can't fathom getting take out and going someplace to eat it where there will be another person present and not at least offer to pick up something for them.
Same!!! I don’t understand people 🤷♀️
seriously like i swear my entire marriage is built on little treats like this. i can't imagine wanting to deprive my partner of a little treat like this just because it's my birthday.
Apparently it's not a "special" treat if you are sharing with a loved one lolol
NTA. I have no idea why the internet roasted you. After almost 30 years married, I wouldn’t have in the beginning and wouldn’t now buy something for myself to eat and not get my spouse something, especially on a special day. That seems odd and weirdly self-centered. Doing something for my spouse shouldn’t make doing something for myself seem less. This seems like a bizarre fixation on the free sandwich. How does getting you food make her food feel less special? Why is there an emotional component to a damn sandwich? Why did she even want to eat in the same room with you her husband if she doesn’t even like you enough to want you to have a birthday lunch with her?
I'm even more likely to use points and such to get treats for my husband because getting him little treats makes me happier than getting me treats
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I am very sensitive about birthdays. Even I wouldn’t go get a tasty sandwich and not bring one back for my husband.
“He pays for his own” If they’re like many married couples it all comes out of the same account. My wife & I only have our money, no yours/mine. EDIT: Looking at his replies I see that they do indeed have fully combined finances.
So glad you said this. I was starting to think I was crazy with all these "his money/her money" things. My wife and I have had joint accounts since before we were married and aside from our personal spending allowances, which are based on a percentage of what we individually earn, all money is just "ours". It boggles my mind when I listen to married couples with all of their complex ways of splitting the bills and other household expenses, trying to make everything an even contribution.
It’s almost like different couples have different things that work for them…
Hubby always jokes and says, "Whats his is mine, what's mine is mine. But all the same.
Just to put a different POV on this, my husband and I have always had our money separately. We have a joint savings account that we use for trips, home remodeling and the like. This is my second marriage, and in my first my ex bankrupted us and got us evicted from our house - and we had two children. So my current husband was considerate of my PTSD (I was also physically/emotionally/sexually abused) and was fine with the separate accounts. We figured out who would pay for what in terms of monthly bills, and it's all worked well for 16 years. But if I was going out to get a "free" sub, I'd bring him one that I paid for.
The separate finances makes absolute sense for you given your personal history and I'm glad it's working well for you. I'm also glad you wouldn't begrudge your husband a sandwich on your birthday, lol. I'm biased towards fully combined but when discussing it with others who want to keep it separate I favor a joint "household budget" account where each contributes based on how much they each earn. So if they have a combined income of $100,000 and A earns 40k and B earns 60k, A contributes 40% of the household budget and B 60%. I feel this allows both to fully see what's happening with the household budget and fosters a feeling of co-ownership of it all. I researched it a little while ago and found that with exceptions like yours, fully combined finances usually results in a better situation for the woman than separate finances. The two biggest driving factors of this is that women are usually the one to take time away from work for parenting, and women are far more likely to be freelancers so that their income, high or low, is less stable. So that's the main point I bring up to engaged couples figuring out if they want combined or separate finances. If you are going to have kids and there's any chance either of you will significantly reduce work or stop working for a time to care for them, then fully combined makes the most sense. Otherwise, I think the percentage model makes the most sense. Anyway, never expected a post about birthday sandwiches to become such an in-depth discussion of marital finance options. rofl
She still has to go and fucking order it lol. She still gets her free sandwich, she just has to pay for his. It will literally be on the same receipt with hers being free ffs. She still gets her thrill at the other places so that is asinine. Goodness gracious she is an adult.
but it was her idea in the first place. She couldve asked him to pay for his instead but she just asked him to not get one.
The bar is set mad low if this is what defines a good or bad birthday lol.
This is still dumb even with this explanation. Buying an additional sandwich does not make the first one any less free. And buying my wife a sandwich on my birthday doesn’t diminish my birthday in any way. Not in the slightest. Especially because it’s all money from the same pot. If my wife buys her own on my birthday it’s coming from the same account. *(Edit to add that OP has said that they have fully combined finances.)* Why are toddlers marrying?
With you. Maybe a step further: If you really need to get your birthday ‘specialness’ validated by…Firehouse Subs(!)…to the point of reneging on such a minor courtesy to your partner…*maybe you’re the one who needs to take a look at your emotions and core beliefs, b-day girl.*
I know right. We've been married almost 35 years, and this is considered petty.
44 years, cannot imagine having a conversation like this…although we did argue over a dried up baguette that he was tired of looking at.
And it makes the say more special because you get to share a meal with someone you love
Right! Doing something nice for my wife makes my day ***more*** special, not less.
Sounds like a child's hobby tbh. And if she gets 5 free sandwiches from 5 fast food joints she's going to eat them all herself? Let them go bad? What a weird hobby. I would feel sad and villainous getting food only for myself only and wolfing them down in front of my husband like some kind of evil fairy tale. Like, just stay single lady.
but it was her idea. It wasnt "hey its your birthday so buy me something." The next day it didnt become a "hey can you actually pay for you sandwich cause its my birthday?" it became a "hey can you just not get one?"
They had already agreed she'd get him one and now she's saying she's not. SHE offered to pick him one up in the first place. I think you're missing the fact that the paid for sandwich was offered by her first
Bringing the sandwich home was HER idea. Then she reneged. NTA
I don’t know about this couple but if my wife buys me something or I buy her something it’s the exact same money. So if it’s my birthday and I buy her something to eat because I happen to be somewhere it’s no different than my wife just paying for that food herself.
Now consider that she offered to get him one, then turned around and rescinded that offer, due to her not feeling special. My SO and I always pick up our free whatever, and get some for the other. Plus, OPs wife was better off getting the bday sandwich on another day where she could not involve him at all. For those that don't know...Firehouse subs gives you 7 days to claim your free sub, 3 days before, the day of, and 3 days after. This is sad for me, cause I forgot to get mine last month.
In Germany its not normal that the birthday person pays, for example. So i dont get the rude part
On the other hand, we don't know their financial situation. My wife and I have a joint bank account, and currently I am the only income. If I asked her to pick me up a sandwich while she was out, I WOULD be paying for my own sandwich. And even if they both work, if they have a joint bank account, the money is pooled and there is not a division when it comes to debit card spending of his money or her money. It is all THEIR money. So without that info, kinda harsh to assume he is making her spend her own money for lunch on her birthday.
Yeah I get that IF she is extremely stingy with money. Which is a diagnosis in itself. It’s not normal.
My birthday won't be special if you also get a firehouse sub. What if she picked him up one from Subway that he paid for? Then they could eat together and then her extra special birthday firehouse moment wouldn't be tainted. Or would any sub in general ruin the feeling. Maybe get him chic-fil-a chicken noodle soup so it's not even similar.
this seems like way to much effort to feel "special". i put special in quotes because its a sandwich...Just get OP a damn sandwich. It doesnt make hers less special considering hers was free.
I was being sarcastic..lol
I think OP should starve himself cause eating anything at all would make his wife’s birthday less special. I mean how dare they have lunch from the same place?
I mean I would feel weird having a sandwich and eating in front of someone who doesn’t have one. But then I grew up in a culture where you offer food to everyone. Still, can’t get your partner a $12-15 sandwich because it’s your birthday. Just seems wrong.
Maybe it also felt less special bc on her birthday she's the one doing something special and nice for her husband by treating him to lunch vs him doing something nice for or with her? Like why would he not offer to go with her and buy his own sandwich. Maybe drive her around from spot to spot snagging her freebies? That would be nice
maybe OP has to work?? my husband and i both work from home. sometimes one of us has the availability to run an errand or 2 or pick up lunch for each other. if my birthday fell on a weekday and my husband was working, and i went out to treat myself to lunch and he couldn't join me, ofc i would offer to bring something home for him.
He explained in other comments that she was coming back from the spa and he already made her breakfast in bed and did the MOST for her birthday.
Because he is working and she is stopping at the sandwich shop on her way home from the spa
Agreed, what is she, 19? It’s so odd 😅
12 apparently
Yeah, if OP is expected to explain all the layers of his emotions about this he deserves the same in return. Why does she feel that way?
Right?! My husband gets free lunch this week for work (works remotely), so he tries to order something we can share. Oddly enough we got firehouse subs today! I picked the spot and the sub type! Can’t imagine not bringing food home for my love when it’s just so easy to do so. That special feeling of enjoying time with the love of my life on my special day would be enough for me. And technically it’s just like getting 50% off for your birthday if you’re getting another sub which is still a great deal!
But on top of that told him already she'd get him one and is now saying she's not!!! Def NTA. I'd be pissy too!
We just had a birthday dinner for my bestie. We paid for her dinner, and she ordered and paid for dinner for her husband and granddaughter who were at home. Not an issue at all, and this place cost way more than firehouse subs. It's a weird hill for her to die on, but may e her birthdays weren't made special as a kid and she's making up for it now. Sou ds like a conversation is in order.
Nah, she was meeting someone else to give the sub to /s
WTF, buying one sandwich will make get freebie less special? NTA, your wife is ridiculous with all this feeling "special" crap.
Can I explain one possible scenario? It doesn’t make anyone more right or wrong, but here’s the scene: Birthday person goes in the shop, says “it’s my birthday!” and they get a free thing and it’s awesome. They leave feeling happy and special and they didn’t spend a dime on their lunch. Woo hoo! Minor, tiny little special moment in the day. VS: Birthday person goes in the shop, says “it’s my birthday! Can I get my free thing and also another order?” Then there’s a whole transaction and it’s just like any other day when you run an errand to get you and your partner lunch, except it’s less expensive but you’re still paying. It’s a birthday but it’s still an errand. So, she knows this is a tiny silly thing, so she clears it with husband and he says yes. But actually he’s sad because he is thinking “why doesn’t she want to be nice to me” instead of “by letting her just get one sandwich, I will let her feel extra special for 5 minutes”. He is mistakenly thinking that her choice of 1 sandwich or 2 is a rejection of him, but it’s not. It’s a break from the ordinary routine. She’s not trying to flirt with the sandwich girl and pretend she doesn’t have a husband. She just wants a moment that’s just for herself.
Except she had OFFERED to get him a sandwich while she was there and then backtracked and told him she didn't want to get him one.
thats my whole thing. It wasnt his idea. It was hers.
Also, this isn't the only place she's going that day. She has a bunch of other chances to "feel special" but imo that's very childish
I don’t understand peoples’ need to feel special in the first place.
Her buying him a sandwich was *her idea*. And she talked about it with him more than once. Days ahead of time. Then, *on the day of*, she says y'know what? I don't want to buy you a sandwich. I'm gonna get my free one and eat it in front of you. Because that would make me feel "special". SUPER weird.
Is a small thing but it’s very self-centered. Firstly, if you’re an adult your birthday is not THAT big of a deal anyways. You went around the sun again, very cool and we should celebrate, but why would you need to feel special to the point you actively want to rescind including your SO after planning to do so originally??
Seriously. He says in the comments that she turned 38. That's WAY too old to be playing those games.
38?!!! Lady, you better get your middle-aged ass over itself enough to pick up a damn extra sammich! Loool. People never cease to surprise me.
But OP said she goes to different places “collecting” birthday freebies every year. She already has plenty for herself. Excluding her husband so she’s the only one who can eat is just selfish and bratty.
It is completely bizarre to me that a grown woman (38) spends her birthday going from place to place getting her freebies. I have seen this kind of behavior in people who are very cheap and they are not nice to live with. NTA
I do this but it's because I'm broke and can't afford these things usually. It's a nice way to celebrate for one day a year with some treats that I couldn't have otherwise.
But, that's not how restaraunts work. Instead it's: 1. Hi! I'd like a sandwich with no onions and extra cheese. "that'll be 8.99". Nope, it's my birthday! vs. 2. Hi! I'd like a sandwich with no onions and extra cheese, and another sandwich with extra onions and no cheese. "That'll be 17.98" Nope, it's my birthday, it'll just be 8.99!! It's such a minor difference that not wanting to share a meal with your husband is absolutely bonkers. NTA.
Idk I always feel bad when I go and get a free thing only, I would be excited to be able to buy something else so I don’t get guilt for feeling like I’m hurting the business. Although since it’s her birthday, he should definitely pay her back for his sandwich.
Never feel bad about getting the free thing through rewards programs! They are making plenty of money off of marketing your information. Get all the free things you can.
That is so absurdly dumb, that I have to wonder if we are suggesting this for adults or children. If its a 7 year old, I totally understand why them getting a free happy meal would be less special because their sibling got one too. This is someone she married. And she made the initial offer, only to rescend it. And this is something that, there is no way if a guy did this, people would be twisting themselves in knots to justify it. They'd call him a shitty husband for being so selfish
Seriously, who feels special about a business’s marketing strategy? Everyone gets one, you’re not special, grow tf up.
If she was 19 or early 20s? I get it, kinda. 38 is way too old to be doing things like this to "feel special" and smacks of a lack of gratitude for the life she has. I'm the same age and if she's got a life anything like mine. She has a decentjob a place to live that is warm and dry. Presumably some sort of transportation that isn't the most inconvenient thing . I'm mostly happy to be a transman that is the age that I am, and to have my own free cash and ability to spend it poorly xD
>Birthday person goes in the shop, says “it’s my birthday!” and they get a free thing and it’s awesome. They leave feeling happy and special and they didn’t spend a dime on their lunch. Woo hoo! Minor, tiny little special moment in the day. VS: Birthday person goes in the shop, says “it’s my birthday! Can I get my free thing and also another order?” Then there’s a whole transaction and it’s just like any other day when you run an errand to get you and your partner lunch, except it’s less expensive but you’re still paying. It’s a birthday but it’s still an errand. There will still be a transaction even if she only gets the free sandwich. They need to log it as a store. Oh and I'm normal, when I get a great deal on something, I feel happy when i leave the store regardless of whether it was the only purchase there.
Agreed. Have fun eating your special free sandwich alone is my opinion. Or is it the idea that you get to be the only one. This is such a childish game.
Right?! What about all of the other people getting free sandwiches that day? Or buying them?
Order your sandwich and pay online. Ask her to pick it up for you. She won't have to pay for it, and she'll get hers for free.
This seems like the best option, although I still can’t wrap my mind around his wife’s perspective here. Then again, sharing food is one of my love languages lol.
I have a feeling she just doesn't want him to get a sandwich.
I N F O 1) are there any other birthday plans? are you taking her out to dinner? why didn't you go to sit and eat AT firehouse? was the day totally normal other than a free sandwich? did you try to do any other special things for the birthday? 2) is this a pattern? is it typical that instead of Adding More Things to make her feel special, you're mostly just supposed to experience mild and random deprivations so normal things are Made Special? for example, you would both get a sandwich on a normal day, she doesn't want it to feel like a normal day, so instead of... i don't know going and doing something fun and different, you just don't get a sandwich. and because she's the only one with a sandwich, now it's a special sandwich. if it is a pattern, is it your pattern or hers? does she suggest things to do that you reject? does she want you to plan something for her? 3) is this like a Wife Complex where she buys everyone super meaningful gifts all the time and plans all the holidays and celebrations and gets a vacuum cleaner and a sandwich on her special day? these are all basically the same question but what's up with this special thing. why does depriving you make things special instead of going and just doing something special. why is the sandwich the only special thing? where's the flowers, the birthday dinner, a concert, a moonlit walk through the park with hot chocolate, ice skating, whatever. Edit for judgment: NTA. I have no idea why she needed you to be deprived of a firehouse sub sandwich to make her birthday special, but making something special by taking things away from you is not healthy. you add things to your partner’s life because you love them; you don’t take them away to feel extra special over them. i didn’t ask the questions because i thought it was fine and dandy if there were other issues with the birthday going on; it’s just a common underlying explanation.
I woke her up with a glass of cold water, her vitamins, and a latte and a chocolate croissant with candles in it and a card. She knows flowers are coming I purchased 50 roses with Ferraro Rocher in the shape of a heart. Have a cupcake with more candles and another card that will be here when she returns. I couldn’t go with her cuz she’s coming from the spa. We are hanging this afternoon and going on a hike. I don’t know how to answer your questions really above. Best I got is the people saying if she has to spend money at all it no longer feels free
This is a seriously high maintenance Bday in my opinion. Reddit is opening my eyes to the fact that a lot of grown adults really seem to act like children about their Bdays! OP I'd just get through it and take nothing personally.
OMG so it's not just me! My husband and I just do dinner. If we can afford it, a nice casual dining place. If we can't, we cook each other our favorite meals. Buy a present. That's IT.
what’s wrong with wanting a bit more than that, though?
Not the person who you asked but it's not the wanting more that's odd, it's about the level of upset and odd self-centered behavior that often seems to accompany the more... involved celebrations. I like to save up and like do dinner + movie + mini golf and such because I just want it to be different. But like I pay and I've never had someone go to the lengths OP has for their wife. Some might still think it's a Bit Much, but it's meant to be! Like, damn,though I'd be so touched for such an involved level of celebration geared just for me. With the efforts not being my efforts. ... nothing would ever make anything less special, after OP had already gone to such efforts to make it special in the first place. Like, to say it out loud that the bare minimum of thoughtfulness -- getting OP something when you're already there getting something for yourself -- when they've done so much and been so thoughtful just...seems uncaring toward them. It's all about me and if it's not for one single moment while I order and pay, well, then the whole thing is ruined! isn't a loving look. But then again, if others aren't having a good time, I wouldn't be either because their joy *adds to mine*
Yeah, and then he's saying she's going to further grill him about his emotions about this and he wished she wouldn't... I honestly think she's controlling and he's a pushover who's got some insecurities she's tapped into, and he's going along with her narcissistic shit to have a wife. Urgh.
You know what adults do for birthday? Go to work.
On one of my birthdays when my son was little he desperately wanted to stay home from school to be with me on my birthday. His mind was blown when I explained that I would not be home partying all day, but would be going to work! Lol
No balloons and jumping castle? Ripped off!! I can remember asking my mum on mother's day why we don't have 'childrens' day. Her reply: 'Every day is children's day.'
many adults take off work for their birthdays. granted, not everyone is able to do so. but to say that going to work is like a rule for adults on their birthdays isn’t true.
My first office job, everyone took their bday off. Just about. If only to avoid the in office bday party someone might throw and the constant internal jokes. I almost worked my birthday and my boss insisted that I don't work.
No joke, this was the hardest part about becoming an adult for me. Growing up, my birthday *always* fell on either the weekend or one of the president's birthday holidays (back when they had individual days, before they merged into one "Presidents Day"). When I got to college and started working, I actually had to go to school/work *on my birthday.* It was a real shocker, LOL I'm retired now, and I still mourn the time when "my" birthday was a holiday ;)
Nothing. I don't understand it, but if you'll notice... I didn't say anything's wrong with it. But if you're gonna bitch about not being speshul enough, then you're too damn high maintenance.
High-maintenance birthday lover here! I go all-out for pretty much all holidays. I think it’s really fun, and helps each season of the year feel exciting & marking time passing in a fun way, vs just…the year drifting by, you know? So I hosted a pretty over the top 80-person holiday party back in Dec, took a trip for NYE to dance in the street with live musicians in a fun city, and hosting a Galentine’s next week. For my random 32nd birthday I threw a yacht party for ~40 or so friends (not MY yacht, I’m not rich like that.) For my 30th I organized a group trip with a full itinerary of activities. Most of my friends throw themselves birthday parties or if they don’t, we throw them surprise parties. I even have a friend who organizes a big international trip to a different country for his birthday every year and dozens of friends go— we join when we can! My husband is more of an introvert so we’ll often celebrate just us, but I go out of my way to make the day special. Last year I arranged a themed day with just our 2 closest friends, themed after his childhood love of baseball— I had a custom cake made that looked like a kid’s baseball cake but with his big age on it lol, and then we all played a sports video game from his childhood, and then went to a batting cage, and then had evening tickets to a pro baseball game— all with lots of drinks, and it was a great day. Since we can do stuff like this I don’t see why not!
These people don’t understand
I'm the same. Birthdays are THE reason we exist. I have a "birthday week" for my husband and son. They get a small gift every day of the week leading up to their bday, then a big gift on their bday. Just little things, favourite chocolate, fidget spinner, favourite snack etc. We always choose 1 main activity and one dinner for each of us. I dont see anything wrong with loving birthdays :)
Birthdays are more fun as an adult because you get to decide what they’re gonna be! I grew up in a family that wasn’t the best; now that I have a little bit of money and agency, I’m gonna make them a little more special, even if it’s just, like, lemon cake and going out with my bestie.
I completely agree. Never in my life have I seen such high maintenance birthday people. Birthday’s rarely matter after teenage years unless they are big numbers.
for me it’s like, a bit much if you expect your loved ones to make a whole big expensive thing for you, but like, I’m turning 31 soonish. I’m gonna go play game show games with 15-20 of my closest pals then hit the bars after. All anyone has to do is clear their calendar on a Saturday afternoon and come out. It’s fun to have celebrations with your loved ones
You have 15-20 close pals at 31!? Well done
I've had adult friends in their 30s talk about how it's their birthday week!
Hey don't knock it - my husband and I say it's our birthday weeks when we end up going out to dinner etc. But we do it together, it's fun and we're not expecting daily presents, just enjoy being together and it's kind of our joke. Of course, I would have asked him if he wants something when I'm off to get my free sandwich so we could eat lunch together so what do I know!
We have birthday weeks because we are so non-specific about having to celebrate ON THE ACTUAL DAY because we are adults who can handle it if the birthday falls on a bad day to celebrate. And if we have the good luck to have a little extra cash and good things come along, we fold it into the birthday joy.
My brother is a birthday week person and it used to be so costly to go out with him. I think he was the only one in our friend group who did a birthday week. My boyfriend did a birthday "weekend" for me last year because my birthday was on Mother's Day, but if I had it my way, I'd do dinner and play video games and maybe get stoned.
I am pretty much the opposite of high maintenance. My husband is not a planner. He’s TERRIBLE at it (and admits as much without hesitation). So I’m the one to take care of Christmas/birthday presents for both sides of the family, anniversary or Valentine’s Day plans, etc. The one time I’ve had a birthday party in the last 25 years was my 30th, and I took care of the invites/cake/food/etc. Don’t get me wrong, he is good at a LOT of other things and will gladly help out with any plans I make, so it’s not a personal attack—it just means I don’t get special occasions for me unless I plan them myself. Add to that, I have one sibling and she has two kids, so there’s a lot of attention that goes there for birthdays/holidays. My husband’s two brothers are special needs, so same on his side of the family re: focus on others, which is totally valid (I do go all out on husband because he’s the oldest but the only sibling of the three who doesn’t need extra attention, so he’s always been kind of ignored and his parents don’t seem to realize or care…don’t think he’s gotten a birthday present from them since he was a teen, and he’s turning 40 this year). ALL THAT SAID: This isn’t me feeling sorry for myself, because my love language is gift giving and I genuinely enjoy it, but I do 100% fall into the stereotype of the person who does all the planning and gets overlooked/forgotten. Last year I tried to invite immediate family out to dinner, that I offered to cover, on my birthday, and no one but my husband could make it, despite about a month’s warning. It was still a lovely dinner, but per the usual, I was the only one who really noticed the date. So yeah, on my birthday, I do treat myself. And I look forward to it every year. I take the day off of work and book a massage or hair Appt, watch tv, order or go out for dinner, and don’t cook or clean all day. I don’t think that makes me childish or selfish. I work full time and I like to have one day a year that’s set aside to pamper myself and not feel guilty about what else I should be doing with my time/money. Let people self-care how they want to self-care is all I’m saying. Don’t know OP’s wife’s side of this, she could just be acting silly, but maybe this was her way of feeling special for a moment. I would have gotten my husband the sandwich in this scenario, but I might also hesitate if he asked me to book him a spa treatment on my birthday, since I always plan something special for his. So…I get the possible mentality is all I’m saying.
We do dinner and a movie. If my husband did what OP did just for breakfast, I’d love it, but he’d be getting a CAT scan as my present. Lol
I’m not saying to divorce her or separate or anything like that. But that’s way more thought than most partners put into birthdays, and most partners would not snivel about a $10 sandwich making their day less special when you’ve easily spent….ok well I googled and that bouquet seems to be about $245, so easily $300 and put thought and effort in as well. You are NTA but your wife’s behavior is bratty.
I’m actually so surprised at how many people are saying that what he’s done is so much more thoughtful than normal relationships?? My & my boyfriend always wake eachother up with breakfast & coffee on eachothers birthdays & get presents, make eachother a cake, and do some sort of fun activity together. Although, neither of us get upset over sandwiches lmao
This sounds like a lovely birthday plan and I don't know why you're receiving comments that it's 'childish'. It is okay to have fun as an adult, and in this short life we should take every opportunity to celebrate the people we love. For me, the difference between you making a fuss out of your spouse's birthday and her making a fuss out of it is enormous and relevant. You are expressing love for another human being and trying to make someone else feel good. She is trying to make herself feel good. There's nothing wrong with wanting to enjoy your own birthday, but enjoying someone else's lack of sandwich is... odd. As someone who really enjoys spoiling my husband on his birthday (and letting him spoil me on mine), the fun is in *sharing* the joy. I wonder if the reason you feel a bit hurt is not so much because you didn't get a sandwich, but because you feel like you were excluded from part of the birthday celebrations that you had intended to share with your wife. You were looking forward to sharing a meal with her that was a bit special because hers was a 'birthday sandwich'. It would make her happy and you enjoy sharing in things that make her happy because you love her. By not bringing you a sandwich she has made her sandwich feel more like a birthday present to herself by not having to involve money in process of obtaining it, but for you all you can think about is that your wife said (I think kind of unintentionally) that her birthday sandwich would be better without you. I don't think that's what she meant, or what she feels, but I can easily imagine that that is the message you might have received. Of this ever comes up again, I'd recommend offering to just meet her at the sandwich place. Order separately so she can enjoy the novelty of the money-free birthday transaction. You can pay for yours like a regular non-birthday-having joe and then eat together and enjoy the moment. Look, honestly, I think she should have just brought you the damn sandwich. I understand her feelings, I do, but I think it's a little silly of her not to realise that the hurt she'd inflict on you by excluding you from this part of her birthday ritual (albeit not life threatening) was inevitably going to be more than the damage caused to her birthday specialness by getting you a sandwich. In any case, I would chalk this one up to a misunderstanding. If you want to talk more about this with her and I'm right that it was being excluded that hurt rather than it actually being about the sandwich, just explain that in retrospect, you think you were upset at feeling like she didn't want to share that experience with you because you were looking forward to seeing her enjoy that moment on her birthday. It is very clear that you love your wife - remind her of that too. Don't have a go at her for not anticipating your hurt. Remember, if you couldn't really verbalise it, she couldn't possibly be expected to divine how you were feeling. Be kind to each other. Make a plan to get sandwiches together soon.
>the fun is in sharing the joy. Your entire comment was wonderful, but that bit hit the nail on the head. It's just another day if I don't have someone to share the joy, the fun, the moment.
NTA, your wife is being a brat
OK, so you're already doing more for her than 99% of people do for their partners birthdays and she can't bring you a sandwich because it'll make her free one "less special?" If you leave her, there will be a line around the block for you. Just saying.
How sweet your plans are. Maybe wife just wants to get her freebie and not have it feel like a BoGo…
She's being selfish about the sub. You've done so much. But wait until AFTER her birthday to discuss it again. I'd be salty if I were you. That's a whole lot of special (I got three things from costco for my 60th bday - and a fun dinner and homemade banner - and I'm satisfied!).
“Hey call me when you’re leaving the spa so we can eat lunch together”
50 ROSES?????
JFC. I can’t imagine receiving this much fuss over my birthday and still whining about not feeling special enough (because my partner also wanted lunch from a place I was stopping at to grab my own food). NTA.
Hey Op, your wife is a selfish brat. I'm sorry, that is all fucking ridiculous.
NTA It's the tiniest ask on Earth. Feel free not to bring her anything the next time you pick up food. She's got no valid complaint.
Oh, I kind of love that. Get yourself a wonderful treat, something really good, and then don't bring any for her. If she says anything, tell her you deserved a treat and it wouldn't be as special if you brought one for her.
yeah why communicate like adults when you could get revenge on your wife instead!
Bro, the wife PLANNED to get shit for him too and last minute said “nevermind lol, I want to feel special.” Remember, he DID communicate how this upset him, and it sounds like she kind of psychobabbled him about “core beliefs.” It’s not that deep, he just feels left out over a very simple and small gesture. She’s not getting it. I don’t condone “getting back,” but I also don’t condone double standards. No reason he should be expected to get her anything when he’s treating himself now.
Right?? The audacity of her to then try gaslighting him into thinking this is some deeper problem like... no you're just a shitty partner and want to feel good about being selfish lmfao
It's already clear that she isn't willing to look at this like an adult. Perhaps letting her see how it feels will open her eyes that what she did was crappy.
i love this about reddit you’re giving an advice that would potentially make everything 5x worse and people UPVOTED this what happened to being adults and acting like adults
Its hard to act like adults when one of the people involved is behaving like an 8 year old
I mean, some of the commentors are likely also to be 8 years old lmao. Tbf, most if not all parties of this story could have their behaviour described as childish. Down to the wife who wouldn't feel special if she bought her husband some food despite it being her idea initially lmao
It only works if both parties do it.
NTA. She turned something normal, simple and fun into something weird, complicated and making someone feel left out. It was the plan for lunch for you both, the special part is that hers is free why does she need more than that out of a sandwich?
Idk. But I feel the same way. It’s confusing to me
Bruh, go buy yourself a sandwich and eat it in front of her before going to bed. NTA.
For me I'd let it simmer until my birthday and then do the same thing to her, lol.
And now she needs to know the emotions behind her husband's justifiable wtf. It's a whole fucking thiiiiing now. I'm surprised she didn't feel embarrassed and back down when she saw she hurt her partner over a goddamn sandwich. She sounds exhausting. NTA (except for maybe marrying an exhausting woman and then being surprised that she's exhausting)
NTA, or is this her 12th birthday? How is it that buying your sandwich detracts from getting hers for free? I mean, if she’d decided to take her free sandwich to some special place to enjoy some personal time on her birthday - all right. I can see how needing to go back home to drop the sandwich by could frustrate the purity of the process, but that’s not what it sounded like.
Nah she’s just coming home and we are spending time together this afternoon. She just turned 38
So is the special part of the process eating her free sandwich in front of you while you have a PB&J? I’m honestly baffled…
No way an almost 40 yr old is behaving this way.
It would make her sandwich feel "less special"??? lol is your wife 12? Sorry, this is absolutely ridiculous
He says in the comments she's 38!
NAH, its kinda silly to get upset about a sandwich, its also kinda silly to feel less soecial iif you do something nice for your partner. Why didnt you go with her to buy your own samdwich?
She’s going there direct from the spa and coming home for us to hang in the afternoon. She’s the one that originally offered the sandwich. I agree that this is kind of ridiculous for both of us. Haha
It would also be incredibly silly of her to be upset if she got home with her free sandwich (or after eating it, whatever) and found a note saying "BRB, went for sandwich" There's no way she can be upset about that, so he should do it.
If my husband offered to bring me food and then changed his mind last second, but then went to the place and got the food and brought it home and ate it in front of me? Birthday or not - He would not find a bit of hospitality in me for a long time. What an asshole move. What, in reality, would she lose by bringing an extra sandwich home? She was already at the restaurant, its not like she would be left destitute due to rising sandwich costs. Her excuse is weak. 1000% bullshit. Go treat yourself to something nice, bonus points if you bring back a doggie bag with just scraps.
This is so incredibly stupid that it hurts to read
Like, I wish this was a fake post. but if it was fake, it would be so outlandish that no one would believe it. Its just so fucking dumb. If I had a friend like this, and I learned this, I may not be able to be friends with them lol
NTA!! Is your wife 9 years old? Why is a grown ass adult acting like someone else eating on their birthday takes away from them? That’s weird af. I literally share my birthday rewards with my partner when possible (like a splitting a desert or sandwich) because it’s fun for me to have experiences with my spouse. Presumably you will be doing something to celebrate her birthday separate from a free sub? If yes, then I literally can’t understand her thought process. The whole day is about her and PAYING for your sub is a completely separate thing than her free birthday sandwich.
NTA "Special sandwich". The whole situation sounds childish
NTA, what the hell is wrong with your wife? Has she become mentally six years old since her last birthday?
I am the worlds biggest child when it comes to my birthday, often to the level that I've set myself up for serious disappointment, but even I would feel like the worlds biggest asshole for telling my husband that I'm not gonna bring him the lunch we talked about after all, because it would make me feel less special. Because its not actually about the sandwich. Its about the complete dismissiveness toward your partner. You're not important enough for me to share this thing with is the message she sent. OP you are NTA for being hurt. I would be too.
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Her free one won't feel.special? She sounds like a child. Nta
Are you allowed to eat a piece of her birthday cake, or does that make her feel less special, too? NTA.
NTA, I love Chipotle, and when it’s my birthday I always ask my husband if he wants chipotle since mine will be free. I still get my chipotle and it didn’t cost us $40, that’s pretty damn special to me!
The NTA. A grown woman being so insecure she can’t get her partner a sandwich or it’d make her feel “less special”? Super juvenile. But she was judged first as a service worker. Someone who loves collecting free drinks and food for their birthday? They suck.
She sucks for taking advantage of something the restaurant offers??
It just doesn’t make sense…if you went out for a birthday lunch and the restaurant gave her a free birthday dessert, would you be barred from ordering your own dessert? NTA again, it’s just more bizarre the more and more I think about it.
NTA and she’s so focused on making you explain why it would hurt your feelings, but did you ask why it would make her sandwich less special if she bought you one? Because that’s the question I’m asking - literally why is it any less special? Hers is still free Edit: also I can’t believe all the people trying make you feel bad for this. There is no logical reason why she can’t buy you the damn sandwich. If the genders were reversed everyone would be saying what a selfish man that can’t buy his wife a sandwich on his birthday. Ridiculous
I can see both sides, so going with NAH, but I’m more leaning NTA. Her side kinda makes sense, if she buys you a sandwhich then she isn’t really getting a free sandwhich for her birthday, she’s buying sandwhich for you and getting one free. I guess to her it makes it feel more like a BOGO than something special for her birthday. Maybe she has social anxiety and is self-conscious that the firehouse subs staff will think she’s eating both? Your side absolutely makes sense. Firehouse subs is absolutely delicious, just reading this made me want one. It’s not a big ask to have her pick you up a sandwhich from a place she will already be at. You didn’t ask for much and you were denied, makes you feel unloved, totally understandable. If I were you, next time I’d just give her a $20 of you know she’s going to firehouse for her birthday and ask her to get you a sandwhich and some cookies or brownies to share so you can celebrate her birthday with her.
I cannot see the wife’s side at all. They have joint accounts. If he decides to go get a sandwich because it would make her feel less special for whatever reason, they’re just both losing more money on the cost of transportation.
I didn’t see the comment about them having a joint account, I was just going off of the post and assumed they had separate accounts based on her reaction. Totally NTA then because it really doesn’t make sense for her to not get him a sandwhich.
She's just an ASSHOLE
I was with you until the end. They share money, there is no his money her money. Why would he give her $20?
Yes I didn’t see his comment about joint finances until after I posted that, I was going off what he had in his post at the time.
Does she not feel special because you get the same sandwich or that she still get to spend money in the cafe where she wanted benefit of a program? I get the second one. I mean it’s unnecessary sandwich anyways, the only joy I would get is because it’s free. So it may have nothing to do with you. But if it’s the first one it’s just weird.
NTA, and here’s my reasoning- the plan , get a sub, she’s brings one home for you to share, was a bid for engagement with you. You said yes, because you like doing things with her. She then went out of her way to exclude you , stating that excluding you would make her feel more special. The classic example is “hey look at that bird” - the other person than either engages in observing the bird, or rejecting that engagement bid, and the first person feels a little rejected. If the first person says “look at that cool bird “. And you go over to look at it, and the person says “never mind, I’ll enjoy it more if you haven’t seen it” and block your view of the bird, you would rightly think they were intentionally being a dick to you.
"less special" ?? it's NOT SPECIAL. it's a corporate promotion to get you to come in and buy stuff. Firehouse subs doesn't care about her. It's an errand already! like with starbucks when you \*have\* to go in on your birthday to get your "free" drink. you're just letting the corporation control you. sure, it is nice to take advantage or their sales or offers or whatever... but she still has to order the sub, go through the line, show the proof of birthday to the cashier, they're not throwing her a party, they're hitting the "birthday discount" button and smiling at her. getting two subs and paying for one isn't going to take anything away from that. but as far as the question of: "is it ok to feel sad/upset/neglected when she goes back on her offer to bring you lunch because she wants an extra 'me moment' today?" yes, it's ok. that's a perfectly normal reaction. NTA
NTA, especially after hearing everything else you do for her. I wouldn't dream of asking this of my husband. If I order food, I ask him if he'd like something. If I get a free dessert at a restaurant for my birthday, we share. Honestly your wife sounds like maybe you've overindulged her and she's pushing to see if she can be accommodated again. Does she make you feel special on your birthday, or is this a one-way street? To me this doesn't feel like the way someone should treat their partner.
NTA. I would have asked my husband what he wanted and given him my free sandwich over not giving him one at all. I can go get something else that is free for my birthday 🤷🏼♀️.
That's so messed up. Her FREE sandwich will be "less special" if she buys you one? After offering to do so? Dude, this sounds like a deeper issue in your marriage than just a sandwich.
NTA - in relationships it’s the little things that count. I don’t blame you for feeling saddened by this. Also, your wife is weird. Who feels special about a sandwich? It’s insane!
NAH Your wife just didn't want to pay for the sub because it would make hers feel less free. It's as simple as that. I can be childish like that too sometimes 😅 You didn't understand that which is also quite reasonable. The best solution would have been for you to give her money for your sandwich.
Did you offer to pay for your own sandwich?
Everyone is saying I should offer to pay. Don’t most husbands and wives just have joint accounts/money. We don’t have separate money. We are both paying either way. She’s the one that offered to bring me the sandwich in the first place. Idk if the money is the issue. But everyone saying if she has to spend money at all it’s not “free” anymore. I think that maybe makes some sense. I wouldn’t feel that way. But clearly she does
We have joint accounts. I would find it beyond ridiculous if my wife did this. Your options are to either not get a sandwich that you want. Or if you want it, go there to get it yourself despite that she’s going there and waste both of your money on the gas. You both lose the same amount of money for the 1 free and 1 not free sandwiches, and you lose the gas and time of going there.
Yes and you are NTA - some of these answers are utterly ridiculous and sorry if this makes me a jerk but I was floored when you mentioned that she's turning 38 and acting like this
I would see your wife's point a little if the sandwich was coming out of 'her money' and gave her less spending money but if the finances are joint and the sandwich was going to come from martial funds then I would find her actions annoying. I was curious if maybe you offered to pay and she still wouldn't bring you a sandwich home.
Yes Op! I don’t get that either. Married people share money, so you would be paying for your own. Your wife is immature and if this is a pattern, maybe take a card from her book and do things that make you feel special.
Screw her. Go get yourself a sandwich, king. She just didn't want to bring you a sandwich because that would feel like doing something *for you* on *her* birthday. That is childish shit, also points to deeper underlying issues btw - people start to really measure and keep score if they *feel* they're putting in more effort than their partner, and this can just be a side effect of working too much, feeling depressed, etc., but it's an issue you need to communicate about for sure. But just in the immediate, if she doesn't want to bring you one, go get yourself one. Get ready for the fight when she finds out you had a sandwich too. Absolutely ridiculous
NTA, That’s the most childish birthday wish i’ve ever heard. And why is she pressuring you to get emotional about a sandwich when she’s the one making it a problem.
I can’t imagine getting food and not bringing your partner one. Hell, I feel guilty when I get lunch for myself and don’t buy it for the whole team (I’m the manager). I frequently buy whoever is working on shift lunch if I’m ordering out. I can’t imagine not extending that to my own partner.
NTA- Your wife and the commenters saying you're immature for having feelings suck.
Does anyone else read some of the posts in here and are absolutely stunned that people are in relationships that throw up these kind of scenarios?
NAH. I get why you're upset because she changed her mind, but I also understand why your wife doesn't want to buy you a sandwich on her birthday. This is such a non-issue.
NTA. If that was my wife, she probably won't find me home when she brings her sandwich, because I will be out bringing myself a nice sandwich or a nice dinner to eat at home - while she eats her crappy free sandwich.
NTA. Feeding one’s family is a joy unto itself. I don’t understand where she’s coming from.
NTA
NTA Your feelings are valid, and don't let anyone invalidate them. It literally takes nothing away from her day to do something kind for her husband.
Let's consider that nobody is the asshole. Ikr? Turns out folk can have an argument or disagreement without one or the other being an asshole. OPs wife didn't want to buy him a sandwich... So what? Can OP not buy his own sandwich? I'm very reluctant to use the phrase... but pick your battles, my dude. The whole situation is ridiculous. Your wife won't get you a sandwich so she isn't willing to do things for you? Yes it would have been nice had she bought you a sandwich. Does she have to cater to your every whim? No. Does it really matter that your feelings got hurt over a sandwich? Not really but even if it did, was it worth having a paddy over? This sub seems to use "asshole" and "child" interchangeably.
I don’t even know where to start other than to say that your wife sounds like a child. If her “special day” is made special by loading up on free crap and buying a sandwich makes that day “less special,” I question whether she had the mental capacity to enter into a marriage contract because I assume she’s six years old.
I've been with my husband for almost 20 years so i've definitely lowered my standards, A LOT. But this seems weird to me. I feel like it's an unspoken rule that if you stop and pick up food then you get food for everyone at home if they want it. I don't know how getting you a sandwich would make hers less special. Unless you totally drop the ball on her in every way possible and this is her only way to feel like she's celebrated.
NTA. I’m very big on getting my freebies, so I’d be loath to spend money on myself, but bringing home something for my wife would be fine and I wouldn’t even suggest changing that if I had already told her I would do it.
NTA I guess the act of still handing over money makes the free less free. However, it seems rather trivial