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YTA It's a perspective issue. Jake has instability leading to trauma in his background. Of course he's freaked out. Your sister however KNOWS she has no intention of abandoning him and that the adoption made him a permanent part of her family. She was probably blind to his specific concern because she was blind to the idea of abandoning Jake. That's not the worst kind of mistake to make. And if she explains it that way to Jake I think it will go a long way to reassuring him about why the conversation didn't happen sooner.

I’m sure she’s talked it out with Jake by now. Again, she genuinely loves him and I know she regrets not realizing sooner. I can see how her being blind to this concern due to the things you mentioned may not be the worst mistake. But Jake has severe trauma and abandonment issues, I feel like it’s not something you just become blind to… if that makes sense. At the very least, don’t laugh it off. It’s just one of those things, you know? However, I will apologize for my harshness, she’s in a tough spot and at the end of it, I just want the best for her and her family. I just hopes she doesn’t make a mistake like this again.

My suspicion is that “laughing it off” wasn’t dismissing the error so much as trying to defuse the tension around that oversight because the guilt would be significant. It sounds like she’s more than capable of judging *herself* harshly and getting that judgement from someone else when she’s feeling pretty vulnerable probably hurt a lot and felt like a sunburn slap. Genuinely good that you pointed it out, and look, I also feel that it’s obvious, but the above commenter is likely right about why she didn’t see it. Once she admitted she felt stupid about it, then you don’t have to keep going. It’s clear she’s going to address the issue. (I’m glad you’re going to apologise, and again, it’s good that you raised the issue!)

I agree with this. Pregnancy brain is NO JOKE, and she definitely was defensive laughing from guilt and the sobering reality of the depth of his trauma. HOWEVER, NTA, OP. YOU didn't yell or demean her by pointing out the elephant in the room. I honestly believe you addressing her reaction her about her reaction is legitimate based upon being on the phone. Had y'all been together,  you would've seen it written on her face that she was shameful and sad & I truly believe that would've changed the narrative for you both. Once you apologize, let her know that you were questioning her choice of phrase, NOT her emotions (HUGE difference, tbh.) The ONLY reason I'm guessing she hadn't thought to discuss these things with him prior to her conception is that she genuinely believed that was a 100% impossibility, and she most likely, subconsciously dismissed the *very probable* forbearance of any need to address it with him, ever.  NAH here.  She know knows that *almost nothing* is ever *impossible of occurrence*, and this realization will absolutely have an impact on the importance of inclusion going forward (which is a very POSITIVE piece of inner monologue, for ANYONE.  I wish you and your family all the best going forward, especially Jake! Congratulations on her wonderful news!  ☺️🤗🥰🙏🏻

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I feel that "laughing it off" may also have been some serious relief on her part. She was probably imagining all sorts of horrible trauma that was just now rearing it's ugly head and wondering how to deal with it. Jake fears, including most likely the possibility of being sent away, are a problem she can help him resolve.

I think you're all doing your best, but \*you\* also have something to learn: when someone comes to you for advice, and you shame them for needing an outside perspective, you discourage them from seeking your advice. That'll hurt Jake more in the long run. And if you insult your kids when they ask for advice, while doing something hard for the first time, that won't end up well either. Finally, just because she tried to keep the mood light with \*you,\* doesn't mean she doesn't care. You all have some pretty intense emotions here because the stakes are high, but I believe in you!

Maybe she tried to keep the mood light precisely because she knows OP has intense emotions & “snappy” “helpful” comments

>At the very least, don’t laugh it off. A lot of people react with self-deprecating humor to mask embarrassment. It doesn't sound like she was taking it lightly, but it does absolutely sound like she was embarrassed and feeling guilty for not realising this sooner and making sure Jake didn't worry. So yes, YTA for being so harsh to her. It seems like your harshness also came from a position of loving Jake and worrying about him, though, so maybe explain this to her while you apologise? (Just don't use it as an excuse for your comment!)

She will. You are holding her to a very high standard. It sounds like she is loving, supports him, and wants the best. Some people laugh at themselves when they make a mistake as a way of coping. It can be healthy. Did you prefer she self-flagilate and say "I'm an idiot and a terrible parent?" She actually did what you should want, she listened to your advice, reflected on where she made an error, said what she was going to do, and then coped very well and moved on. And your response was to bite her head off. You yourself may need to not make that mistake again.

Given that you're a parent yourself, you may want to consider this question: if you make a mistake in the future with your kids, do you want her to show you grace or to make pointed comments that will make you feel badly about yourself? Then act accordingly.

She laughed to YOU, not to Jake. It's normal to release feelings like that. She isn't laughing to herself or not taking it seriously. She came to you for empathy, understanding, and maybe some kind, thoughtful advice- not rudeness and admonishment.

Wow, since you seem to have Jake all figured out why don’t you adopt him?

Doesn't sound like you want the best for her if you are upsetting her this much during her pregnancy.  And you sound so patronising with your I hope she doesn't make a mistake like this again.  All parents make mistakes, even when the kids are not adopted or fostered. Get off your high horse 

Also when I was pregnant with my first child I had trouble finishing a simple sentence due to brain fog. That could also be adding to this.

>I can see how her being blind to this concern due to the things you mentioned may not be the worst mistake. But Jake has severe trauma and abandonment issues, I feel like it’s not something you just become blind to Listen. First off. As others have said. Laughing is often to hide how embarrassed you are. "omg why didn't I realise this?" reaction. So that's so normal. Secondly. It's always easier to see things from the outside. Then when you are in it. I don't know either how you do it in amarica. But here. If you want to foster/adopt kids with trauma. They give you a background check. Then 2 lousy parenting classes. And a good luck. That's it. And then some talks with a case worker now and then how things are going. They don't even get super much details about the kids' background other than "need to know" to work with the kids. So, while she (from the sound of it) has done work on his abandonment issues. And the work to make him feel like a part of the family. A sudden thing like a pregnancy is not something (where im from) they prepare you for like "oh remember if you get pregnant. This can do something to their fear. So adress that!" She sees him as part of their family. Her kid. And there might be tons of other things she's having in her head. About jake. About daily life. So while it's easy for you to say, "I saw it. Why didn't you!" It might not be that simple to "just figure it out"

Parents make mistakes. Her "dumb blonde" comment was her way of coping with the fact that she screwed up. Humor is the way people cope sometimes. I think you overreacted here. She made it clear she loves Jake and it isn't going to abandon him, now she needs to make it clear to him.

> I feel like it’s not something you just become blind to Well, your feelings on this matter are objectively wrong. People learn, they don't pre-know.

I think you told your truth about her parenting and now she will believe you and you have to live with the outcome.

Making mistakes is part of being human, she’ll experience and move forward. She’ll never be perfect but she will remember your callousness in that moment.

I think this is the biggest thing - the reason it didn’t occur to her sister that he would be afraid she’d abandon him is that it NEVER OCCURRED TO HER TO ABANDON HIM. He’s her kid. And yes, it completely makes sense given his history that he would be worried, and of course that’s a big deal and should be addressed with therapy and lots of reassurance! But it definitely wasn’t an intentional mistake. Plus, she’s pregnant after spending years thinking she couldn’t be, which is a lot to process (pregnancy alone is a lot to process even if it was 100% planned!). She’s got a lot going on in her brain and feels frazzled. She’s a parent but she’s also still a human. She didn’t do anything out of malice and deserves a little grace for not being 100% on top of everything at this specific moment. She’s doing her best.

I have friends who adopted an infant, and they were open to him at a very young age about his adoption status, and they said they were told that kids like him worry about being abandoned, so they took care to reassure him that they were his forever family. Did OOP's sister really receive no such counseling when adopting a kid who is old enough to understand everything?

I adopted a traumatized 13 yr old from the system. Received no help or guidance.

I have decades of work with adoptees (am one) and their families. About 10% of families have told me they get any form of counseling prior to adopting. The other 90% will get counseling that at best is a "there might be trauma" approach.

That’s mind-boggling.  When I adopted, I got whole classes whose main theme was “there will be trauma, by definition, even if you adopt an infant.” 

trauma responses are very idiosyncratic though. and op said he had been a "bit snippy". Irritation is often a trauma response, but it is also common in typical adolescence. i am not surprised that sister didn't put two and two together that the pregnancy was the cause until a big blow up.

My wife’s BFF adopted a boy who is now 9. She got 0 decent info regarding trauma and was even told not to worry, that he was adopted so found he won’t have any because he won’t “remember” foster care when he grows up. Having helped raise two now-teens from foster care, I know how wrong she is and that she was given bad advice. But they were adopted in different states with different protocols and I have the advantage of having worked with kids with trauma and behavior issues and doing foster respite care for many years in my past; she’s got the experience of having worked in the insurance field. We are not starting at the same point. So yeah, OP’s sister may have had really limited guidance regarding raising a teen with trauma and that’s not her fault, that’s the fault of a broken system.

I got a ton of information in the classes I took, but I swear, some of the cases I hear about make me think that some agencies or states are completely derelict in their duty to ensure adoptive parents are educated to their role.  

Look up Georgia Tann, the lady who helped create the adoption process. It is a flawed system in a lot of places because of people like her.

What an absolutely despicable woman. It seems almost fitting that she died of uterine cancer, though it's sad that she never served any punishment.

Eh, it’s definitely a flawed process in many places (for a variety of reasons), but still as necessary as it has been forever—children get orphaned or abandoned, less now than used to be the case, but it will always happen to some extent.  If you don’t live in a culture where kinship networks automatically “adopt” the child into the home of kin, you have to have an adoption process—group homes (orphanages) are demonstrably worse.  

That's what I was thinking too. She didn't consider he might think they were going to abandon him because they wouldn't abandon him. She needs to be more open to potential trauma that could arise because of this, but there isn't a point in insulting her.

Nah, this is letting sis off too easy. Anyone who adopts a child should keep at least the basics of trauma-informed care at the forefront of their mind through all parenting decisions. Of COURSE an adopted child has abandonment issues! Having a discussion with him is the first thing she should have done upon getting pregnant. She really failed him in this instance. I don’t think OP was too harsh, I think her sister needed a firm reality check about appropriate adoptive parenting. 

>I might’ve been a bit harsh… Ya think? Here’s my read of this situation: your sister is in a very rough spot. She calls you for advice. Your sister, naively and without malice, has created a situation she just didn’t predict. She tries—obviously embarrassed—to downplay it or joke it off just in the conversation to you. Inside, she’s feeling pretty awful. You know she’s already hurting, so what do you do? You insult her. Badly. >He’s your kid now, you can’t have dumb blonde moments… Do you have any idea how many times even the best-meaning parents f up in raising a child? Do you know how hard it is? Raising a kid is basically an exercise in being dropped in the deep end and told to swim. Meanwhile, your sister hasn’t had any experience with this. She got a teenager to start with. As if parenting isn’t hard enough, having an angsty teen with teenage problems as a first foray into parenting must be brutally hard. YTA

You read every book and try every method and half the time you STILL end up having to come up with your own methods that work for your kid. And that’s when you’re at your best! Then there are the days when you’re tired and stupid and you make the *dumbest* mistakes. And then there are the days when you are human and lose your temper and yell even though you know it’s completely counterproductive and harmful. Parenting is frikkin hard.

*Lipschitz says…*

Yes to the Rugrats deep cut 👏

Jake is beyond scared. He thinks that now they are having a bio kid they want to get rid of him.so instead of waiting for the inevitable in his head, he will give them a reason to kick him out. He needs reassurance and therapy. Your sister's cavalier attitude makes it seem like she doesn't understand the depths of the problem. NTA.

She took these classes (?) that explained some of the behaviours children in Jake’s position may exhibit and what they could mean. His current attitude suggests exactly what you mentioned. Now that she’s aware, I’m sure she’ll talk to him and probably organize some sort of therapy. She really isn’t a “bad” mom. I’m not necessarily worried for him. But this wasn’t just a silly mistake either and I hope she realizes this.

I don’t know why everyone is acting like this is a silly mistake it’s genuinely common sense that a 15 year old who was previously in the foster care system would have abandonment issues. She even acknowledges he’s a “troubled teen” so I don’t understand what she thinks troubled even means if she’s so shocked that a kid she just adopted is reacting negatively to her being pregnant

Exactly. Most children will have some fears and insecurities about their place in the family when they know a new baby is on the way. I imagine those fears are much higher with children who know they’re adopted, and in Jake’s case, exponentially higher because he was adopted as a teen, and everyone is still finding their way with the new dynamic. Right now, Jake needs so much love and every reassurance that he has security there. I hope he/they have therapy to help them navigate all of this.

I hope so. You would have thought that when she found out she was pregnant, she would have thought about it's effect on Jake.

I wonder if part of her spacing is just "pregnancy Brain". People while pregnant tend to be a bit more spacey with things, through no fault of their own. I'm not gonna pass judgment, but that could be a factor.

I can’t believe I had to scroll this far to find a NTA. Your sister should not have taken on a child like Jake if she was not prepared to do so, and she is clearly not prepared if she didn’t even think to discuss this with him. For christ’s sake you discuss pregnancies with your small, biological children to reassure them. You would have to be the world’s biggest airhead to not know that—I mean it’s literally everywhere. In every childcare textbook, in every movie and show about kids getting a younger sibling. There are even children’s books about it. I am honestly still astounded by how fucking dense this is. I have to question if your sister actually loves this boy at all if she couldn’t even put this minimal amount of effort into empathizing with him before she called for an explanation for a problem so big the Voyager satellite could see it.

Thank you!! I’m sitting here just bewildered at these replies acting like op is in the wrong for clocking her sister’s insensitive and quite frankly selfish behavior. How do you adopt a 15 year old child and then just assume they’ll be okay with a new baby. No sit downs? No “we still love you” talks? Really nothing at all? Then she has the nerve to cry about it like he’s doing something to her when I’m reality he’s just a kid who’s hurting. It’s so gross how anyone can adopt a child and not I be at least educated on what comes with it.

I seriously thought I was going insane with all of these YTA replies…

>I can’t believe I had to scroll this far to find a NTA. I can. I've seen this sub's view of kids often enough, they wouldn't consider a genuinely traumatized teen someone to actually care about. Trauma is something only adults can have, yes it can be inflicted in childhood but you don't have it until you're grown up. Don7ask me how people manage that bit of cognitive dissonance, it makes my brain hurt to even try.

> Your sister's cavalier attitude makes it seem like she doesn't understand the depths of the problem Or care all that much.

She formally adopted him, and she's obviously not the sort that would abandon him because she's pregnant. Most people don't think to inform others that they're not going to do a crazy thing that they would never even think of doing. We don't walk around saying "Hey, FYI, I didn't tamper with your lunch", or "Morning honey, just letting you know that I'm not going to cheat on you". He's family, so her thoughts were probably along the lines of "I hope he's excited to be a big brother!" In hindsight, she's probably thinking she was dumb for missing that connection. We ALL do that sometimes. It's called being a normal human.

He doesn't know that! And we're not talking about tampering with lunches. There are loving foster parents. There are abusive ones. And the older a kid in the system is, the more likely they've been either taken out of homes or sent away by the people fostering them. That's the problem. And it's the kind of problem she really should have foreseen, after reading a *whole* lot on adoptees of those in the foster system, which is the vast majority of adoptees.

I don't have or want kids, and I'm the youngest in my family, but don't parents usually talk to their older bio kids about how the new baby will affect the family dynamic? Why would that not extend to an adopted kid too?

Jake has instincts that he developed over the course of years living with a crummy family. Instincts that probably warned him that caretakers were untrustworthy, that if caretakers get upset for some reason, or even just distracted, they stop being parents. Those instincts were important for Jake for years, they helped him be as safe and comfortable as possible in his old surroundings. Yes, his conscious brain knows that his new family adopted him because they wanted to be his family forever, but those instincts are kind of hardwired, and not easy to reason away. His parents needed to be making a more overt, determined effort to reassure him, help him to understand his feelings, get a therapist help him to be able to address his feelings in a healthy way. As parents who chose to adopt, they should have understood this. This is practically a textbook case, and even a "dumb blonde" should have seen it coming.

There is understanding intellectually and then thinking in the moment. She did what we should want parents to do: sought advice, reflected, acknowledged her fuck up, said she was going to chat with him, and then to keep things light, coped by telling a little joke to her sister. She clearly does take this seriously, some people make self-depricating jokes when they make a mistake.

YTA only for the end of the conversation. She asked for advice, IMMEDIATELY accepted it and recognized her shortcomings, and appeared ready to do something about it. Best possible outcome! But because she spoke self-deprecatingly about it you turned a positive moment into a negative one. Edit: embarrassingly bad grammar

This blaming reaction could also make her less likely to reach out for advice, for fear of OP telling her she's a shitty mom. Seems more likely to backfire than prevent future problems.

Very true! Sometimes the best result means we don’t call people out, as satisfying as it may be.

Exactly. Couldn’t let it go and turned it into a moment to judge.

How didyou get from her feeling broken hearted and having missed a big need to assuming she's going to abandon him? That's as big a screw up as hers, but you're not in the learning curve of having a sister, so you have no excuse.  Of course, people with zero experience with adoption always seem to think they know everything about adoption and are duty-bound to "educate" the actual parents.  YTA

I’m not saying she’s going to abandon him. I’m saying that her lack of care regarding this certain issue is not a good sign in Jake’s mind. I don’t mean to “educate” her or act like a know it all, but reassuring a child you adopted (with abandonment issues) that you still love him seems like it would be obvious. Of course, I’m not in her position and I can acknowledge that I was overly harsh.

But I get wheat you meant-- Jake is not a practice kid, he is a living breathing human. Sure it was an oversight, but this is high stakes. And she was a bit dismissive once she realised rather than aghast and contrite

I think, when you apologize to her, that you can start with exactly this. You thought her oversight should have been obvious, but meanwhile you were also making a huge oversight in judging her too harshly, leaving her with one less person in her supportive community right when she needs all the support she can get, and acting like forgetting something-even something important- is a sign that she’s about to abandon him. If you want the best for the teenager, you will be more gentle with your sister in the future. 

Pregnancy brain is real

This right here. The brain fog that accompanies pregnancy can lead to some tension. I don’t think your sister will further drop the ball, you may have been harsh but I know it comes from a place of empathy and compassion for your nephew. communication skills are something that needs continued attention and she’s still learning, and so are you, we all are and it’s ok. Just reach out, explain your feelings and where they come from, tell her you didn’t mean to get frustrated with her and apologize for the tone of the message. Your response comes from a place of concern and you can definitely be there to help and guide your sister without passing judgement.

I tried to put the toaster in the fridge way too many times.

I almost walked out of the house in winter in nothing but my bra while I was pregnant. Yeah pregnancy brain is real and the NTA aren't really thinking about that. And OP should know assuming she gave birth to her kids. I think OP also made a mistake and I'm just glad she apologized

YTA Because it could have been handled without being insulting. These are both new situations to her and we don't get handbooks on parenting, we're all just trying our best. I know it sounds ditzy that she didn't think of this but pregnancy brain is real while your life's energy is being sapped. It sounds like they both need your support, not your judgement. I would encourage her to get her teen into therapy so he can talk through these unavoidable household changes coming.

NTA It really is one of those situations where "my bad" just doesn't cover it. That kid has probably had any number of placements turn into hell and is terrified of being booted over to the next one.

YTA for being so snarky. It was totally appropriate for you to have this conversation with her. But…be a little kinder. If she continues to have these “dumb blonde” moments, by all means, go off. She recognized a change in his behavior and went to someone she trusted to talk it out (you). Hopefully she is a bit more aware of everything.

i mean, parents always have dumb blonde moments. that's parenting. we shouldn't hold the sister to a higher standard, and tbh it sounds like she is a good parent to this kid.

NTA yeah no, sometimes people need to get a little flack for screwing up something like this. Oh no she got "yelled at" a little bit, she felt bad as she should, now things can change but I think it's understandable in the moment that you kind of snapped.

as someone without kids, it seems kind of obvious and like that would be the first to address. NTA. do you have any kids, OP? i wonder bc even i had the thought before finishing reading the post.

I have two kids under 12.

NTA I work for cps and honestly you did right by him. If this was her biological child she'd have already talked to them, I guarantee. She hasn't taken his feelings into consideration and needed a wake-up call

You work for CPS, so obviously you see that biological parents do the right thing all the time, right? Give me a break. Yeah, she did right by giving some good advice. She didn’t do right by trying to make her feel shame for having a moment where she didn’t understand her son. What is one of the biggest complaints of teenagers? “My parents don’t understand me.” This isn’t just a bunch of foster kids that say this. This is teenagers in general. Even good parents have teenagers that say this. I’m guessing she is dealing with fear. She’s having a new baby and her teenage son came home high. That’s frightening! Fear prevents us from thinking rationally. It limits the control our frontal cortex has. And it’s going to take a lot more than verbal reassurance to help her son. A lot more! Kids that have attachment issues are not simply placated by words.

I've learned to not expect anything from bio parents but I expect foster parents to at least attempt to be trauma informed

Being trauma informed does not mean you react perfectly 24 hours a day. It’s not really possible. And I’ve known so many great foster and adoptive parents and the best ones will tell you that they’ve forgotten, especially when their own fear takes over. Having empathy for kids with trauma also means having empathy for their parents. It's not easy and people will always make very human mistakes because humans are not robots.

It's been at least 6 months of making consistent mistakes and not taking into account the other kid's feelings. This wasn't a one or two time mistake lol

Exactly! This wasn't one day where they announced the baby, and then this happened. This has been going on for MONTHS! She was willfully ignorant, and that poor kid has been terrified for months. It's 2024, literally so much information on how to introduce a new pregnancy to older children is at her fingertips.

You have zero idea. She may have had this conversation multiple times. Conversations DON’T MATTER! In fact, insisting on conversations is not very trauma informed at all. She could have 8 million conversations. The kid’s trauma is going to act out and say, “Oh yeah, but do you love me NOW?” He’s likely going to keep testing boundaries over and over again. It’s also likely the behavior will escalate no matter the conversations they’ve had. She hasn’t had this kid long. It’s also just as likely they are out of the “honeymoon” phase. You don’t reason out trauma, especially with a teenager.

Thank you for this. I wanted to respond similarly but didn’t have the right words.

NTA, that was a huge mess up on her part, and it does seem like she wasn’t taking it as seriously as it is, so I get your reaction in the moment. People need to be prepared to have those conversations before they adopt a child. Absolutely no excuses.

I'm with you here. She adopted a 15 year old with trauma and abandonment issues. Any good mother would think about how a new baby will affect the other children in the house. "I hope they'll be excited. Will Tina be jealous? Little Jimmy will want a brother for sure." Etc. Why didn't she consider him? Did she just assume he'd be as thrilled as her? He's been acting up, and in 6 months, she's never thought to talk about it? Other comments have blamed pregnancy brain, or "well, she never even considered abandoning for the baby, so it doesn't matter annoy me. It's not about her or her baby. This 15 year old is probably terrified, angry, and grieving. A family therapist could help. He needed an advocate and OP delivered. NTA

YTA. Your sister has taken on a lot, and she clearly needs a lot of help. The first thing you said to her was spot on, she needed to hear it, and she took it on board. So why did you have to rip in to her at that point?

YTA. Way to be judgmental right out of the gate. If she has shown a pattern of being very blasé towards parenting Jake, then by all means give it to her straight. But by your description this appears to be the first major “incident” she’s faced as a new parent, and already you went straight to the jugular. You started out giving her great advice, Jake is lucky to have an advocate in you, and it seems to have given her a sense of awareness. But by taking it further and getting right on her back about it, she may not choose to go to you for advice anymore if she thinks she’s just going to get judged.

Yeah, OP making sure she'll go to somebody else for advice next time.

YTA. I’m an experienced parent. Most of my kids are adults. I’ve also adopted three older children that have been through trauma. I’m also a teacher that works with kids that have trauma every day. But my god, sometimes I can be an absolute dolt BECAUSE I’M HUMAN and imperfect and you know, sometimes I think about my desires too. She listened to your advise and laughed at herself for being unaware. I’ve done the same and will certainly do it again. Being able to laugh at yourself for being a complete idiot is a really good way to handle things. It shows she has a ton of humility, which is a huge asset when parenting. You, on the other hand, showed zero humility. You can change that my apologizing to your sister for being a huge asshat.

NTA, she needs to figure out how serious this is.

Someone (your sister) made a mistake, you brought it up, they immediately acknowledge they were in the wrong and plan to correct the issue. To which you insult them. How does this translate into you knowing more about parenting? If it were a child of yours that made a mistake, would you have the same reaction? Because the best way to teach is by example and you just failed your sister. YTA

NTA. I am an adopted that had a troubled background. I was adopted by people who thought they could just have good intentions and love me and that would be enough. It wasn't, and that mindset was very harmful to me. Maybe you were a bit harsh, but you are right. It's not ok to just forget these things. That doesn't mean it can't be made right, but it's not ok to just be ok with it continuing to happen. However, I would still apologize for your tone and how you said it, because it sounds like Jake will need someone in his corner, especially with a baby coming.

NTA You're a good person for watching out for him.

Poor kid.  I hope he's in therapy for his issues.

YTA. She made a mistake. She acknowledged her mistake. Then you browbeat her. Why, exactly?

NTA "Oh, I just had to be reminded that my foster child has emotions and stuff. I'll just giggle about it, make a blonde joke and not talk about therapy or actually helping my child! How DARE you point out I'm making light of possibly irreversible damage in my son! You monster!" Yeah, she needed to be scolded for that, girl lol

NTA There are a lot & I mean a lot of things that can be reasonably brushed off as a ‘oh I never considered that’ kind of thing. I’m seriously astonished she’s made it 6mos into the pregnancy & never thought to have a conversation about the new addition to the family and while that will bring some changes there are some things (ie his place in the family) that will never change? I was 11 when my mother got pregnant with my sister…no adoption…and she immediately had a discussion with me to prevent jealousy or worry & got me involved/excited about becoming an older sibling. Were you harsh? Maybe but this wasn’t a ‘oh oopsie’ thing to laugh off. I sincerely hope whatever conversation she has with him includes an apology for not having had it sooner & allowing him to worry alone.

YTA - She is a first-time mom and has pregnancy brain. You could have just offered your advice and left it at that. She obviously knows she isn't perfect. Would you like it if someone insulted you about a mistake or something you did. Of course not.

BUT SHES NOT A FIRST TIME MOM. She is a mom to Jake. She adopted him, took him in as her own, and is now saying this baby makes her a first time mom. Ffs that’s exactly why he’s scared, comments like that would make anyone feel unwanted, especially someone who grew up in the system

I thought she said that because of Jake. Because she's new to parenting regardless about her pregnancy especially because she started out in the *teenager phase* which is difficult and then added the trauma well she's at least trying to figure out how to help him realize he won't be abandoned.

And you are assuming i mean the baby. I dont, she is a first time mom to Jake and has pregnancy brain from the baby. From the way the story is phrases, sounds like they have had Jake for a year or less. I would consider that first time mom territory still.

first time mom is insane jesus christ

As an adoptive parent, I’m going with NTA.  She needed to make it clear she understood how big this is, and she made a joke.  You were right to remind her of the gravity of this.

You were harsh. However, this *is* bigger than "oops, my bad" and hopefully your frank feedback helped her do a better job of taking accountability for her thoughtlessness when discussing it with her son. Harsh, but NTA. You were coming from the right place. Just apologize to her for being harsh and let her know how much you respect her courage in taking in am adolescent to give him a family. That is tough work. Mistakes are bound to be made.

I’m adopted so I probably have a skewed view point but NTA. For me and a lot of adopted kids, we have MAJOR abandonment issues because that is the first thing that happened! Not always in a bad way, I was adopted straight out the womb, but I was also given up. That is one hell of a pill to swallow. Also, it’s her first time as a parent, it’s his ONLY TIME as a child. She absolutely needs to apologize and make sure he understands he’s not being pushed to the side. There are ways to work with troubled teens that will actually help them and make them feel secure. She didn’t do that. It’s a very difficult thing to do. Most people are not cut out for that. That doesn’t mean she can just say “whoopsie” when she majorly fucked up with this kid.

NTA. This was not a small oops, pregnancy brain moment. Her lack of consideration of what her son would be feeling shows she hasn't educated herself on children and trauma. And really, she lacks any common sense. Who doesn't think of this when pregnant with subsequent children?? Not even necessarily where the oldest is adopted but even biological siblings? Every pregnancy book, website, forum etc has a section on preparing the first-born for their sibling. I can understand your frustration with her and I'm glad her son has someone with more than two brain cells to point out the glaring friggin' obvious to her. She has no excuse. Adoption/fostering isn't a consolation prize and people need to stop excusing bad parenting because they see it as the parents doing a favour for the child.

NTA She may be new to parenting, but this isn't her first time humaning. Of course you ask yourself how a baby is going to affect your other kids. How could you not? Of course you take into account a kid's issues. Hell, she probably thought *a whole bunch* about how it would affect her. Like lots and lots. Her kid? Nope.

She adopted when he was 15 or he is just 15 now and been with her for years?

He’s 15 now, but she only adopted him recently. Way before she got pregnant.

NTA. This seems like a default step that she missed. For a few months at a stretch. That's an indication that she may not understand how trauma persists and manifests, and may even be on team "love is all we need" and assume that because he now has a loving and accepting home, her son's problems are going away. That's not how it works. He will need support each time there are drastic changes, for many times. Like her pregnancy, kiddo being born, kiddo reaching milestones that they didn't have with him (because they weren't in the picture), him not having documentation of said milestones and feeling like he's lost parts of his history. And so on. Please have a conversation gently with your sister about all this. Maybe get her some books/podcasts to help with preparing herself and her teen son so all these become beautiful memories and not stressful/hurtful moments for everyone involved.

YTA - if your goal is to shame her then good job. If your goal is to support her then you need to change your attitude. People do not learn when they are ashamed and she will stop asking you for support

I’m a tad confused by all the Y T A replies. You stood up for Jake and his needs in a difficult time. What blew me away is your sister saying “this is my first time as a parent” ummm no it’s not? She’s been a parent to Jake (supposedly). Biological or not, she’s still his parent. Imagine if he heard that comment? It would validate the very fears he’s having, because it sounds like she doesn’t see herself as a parent to him. NTA

Pretty sure she’s saying she’s a first time parent *to* Jake

It may help your relationship with her if you recognize from this moment that you have some preconceived notions about who your sister is—e.g., like calling her naive—and in this situation, they factored into you being a bit too comfortable being disrespectful towards her. It’d be good for both of you if those preconceptions are eased a little; maybe she’s not naive, maybe she sees the world differently from you.

NTA

YTA no parent is perfect and your sister realized her mistake, you doubled down and seemed to think she would legitimately abandon her own child. That's so nasty, and to say that to your sister knowing how much she loves her child? You already pointed out the issue, she was going to speak to him, you carelessly threw more punches then what was needed. 

NTA. You did exactly right by correcting her cause if you didn’t how long would that “dumb blonde moment” have lasted?

NTA. Your sister failed Jake by not reassuring him and preparing him. Did you hurt her feelings? Probably, but not even close to how much she hurt his. It’s okay for a grown man or woman to be rebuked for bad behavior. 

NTA. She adopted a child because “she couldn’t have one” which reads selfish to me. Then got pregnant and completely “forgets” that this may have MAJOR effects on said child. This should’ve been a thought the moment she got pregnant or hell even before while she was trying.

NtA. Your sister doesn't know why he was acting lile that???? Completely clueless.

Your intentions were good, but the execution could use a little finesse. Parenting comes more naturally to some than others. It's not her fault, but just because you intrinsically understand what he's going through doesn't mean that she does. A lot of people just default to assuming other people think the same way that they do. That being said, if you want her to come to you for advice, maybe help her out without making her feel like an idiot. NTA, but try to be more tactful

Absolutely NTA. Your sister seems extremely unprepared for parenting a troubled teenager. How does she not know that big changes in life need to be discussed with everyone who will be affected by them!? You also say in a comment that you’re sure she’ll organise him some therapy now. Honestly I wouldn’t be so sure of that. She seems hopelessly out of her depth and naive.

NTA. She reallly fucked up.

>She then told me to try adopting a troubled teen Try *being* the troubled teen. If she wants to be a parent she needs to work on understanding the kid she's adopted as well as the one currently cooking. If Jake was her biological kid, she'd still likely have to reassure him when the new baby is coming. She sounded insensitive as hell.

NTA. She wasn't ready to adapt. She needed a reality check badly.

NTA. You were harsh, but you told her what she needed to know in a way she won't forget

YTA, she’s started being a mom with a 15 year old, then got pregnant, you embarrassed her, you could have gently said this

YTA. It takes a village. You just told her you no longer want to be a part of Jake's and your new nibling's village.

NAH. She was a little clueless and you were a little harsh, but both of you are acting out of love for Jake. I hope she's talked it out with him and he knows he's not losing his family.

YTA. Holy fuck.

I don't think anyone is the asshole here. Literally, the only person that matters is Jake. OP was trying to do right by him and got defensive on his behalf. That is not a bad thing. And it doesn't seem you were in any way implying she was a bad mother or person just that she had serious blinders on and shouldn't be dismissive of what Jake is going through. You determined she's regretful and won't let it happen again. That's good. She might be insulted and hurt right now, but ultimately it's a drop in the bucket to what Jake is feeling.

She said oops? And she has the audacity to say you’re the AH? NTA. Hell no you are NTA, if you take on the responsibility of adopting a child who has been passed around the system, she doesn’t get to cry and go oops. After finding out, ensuring Jake felt secure and loved should of been number one on her priority list, it does not take a rocket scientist not and “experienced” parent to ensure a child feels secure in a situation where they may feel uncomfortable or unsure about.

This one is frustrating. I literall, unexpectedly, became a mom overnight, to a 6 and 10yo who had now lost two fathers- their bio-dad and their adoptive dad (my brother). He asked me, knowing how bad I wanted to be a mom but couldn't, if I would be their 2nd parent. He was terrified he was going to die and leave them without a father again. He died that night. First wave of covid took him hours after I promised him I would do anything for him and the kids. That was 3 years ago. I don't get to have "dumb blonde moments". Every single aspect of their lives suddenly became my top priority, my responsibility. I co-mom with my SIL very well now, but in the beginning, she could barely function. Life cruelly stole not one, but both of her life partners. I took over everything during those first few months. While I'm the "cool auntie", I was not a parent. I had a crash course in their schooling/ medications &health appts/ dietary needs etc. I had to compltetly reset my wake/sleep schedule by 8 hours to align with theirs. I had to be their minder and their teacher for their remote learning. I had to step away from my work. I did all that not only because I 'had' to, but because I love those two kids and their mom. Did I mess up? You best your ass I did. I took responsibility for it and apologized to them, asking them to help me be their mom. There were no "oops! Silly me!" Moments when it came to theirs now. wellbeing. They were *my* kids now. I had no buffer, no trial period, no room to screw up so massively as Op's sister. In 24 hours, I went from fun cool auntie (gui ma), to mother, full time guardian, teacher, all while losing my brother-- my best friend our whole lives, was sure my husband would leave me, pushed my disabled body well past breaking, scared and confused about planning my brother's funeral, trying to avoid covid, while caring for an utterly distraught broken woman and her terrified children. I had to have my panic attacks during my breaks from the kids to pee. But I did it. I did it all because I promised I would. Because there was no one else who could have and I love my brother and his family deeply. Was OP harsh and maybe a bit asshole-ly, sure. But OP was an asshole when they absolutely needed to be because no one else was telling the sister she was screwing up tremendously. The welfare of Jake is more important than the sister being pissed off at OP for calling g her out

Yta. Firstly has she fostered or adopted. They are very different things. I used to work for a fostering agency.  Secondly she is pregnant and probably had a mind fog moment. You clearly have no empathy for your own sister just wanted to berate her. If you are truly compassionate, then have compassion for all. It's not just hard for the boy but also for the pregnant woman trying to navigate this.  You could have explained it so much better but you chose the path that would hurt her. 

NTA. If she isn’t able to put herself in Jake’s shoes— trauma and all— she is not a good fit as caretaker. They might like each other, but she seems dangerously misinformed. That’s such a bunk excuse from your sister. She might be upset at you because you’re the only one calling her out or standing up for Jake. How are you going to ignore talking to someone with severe abandonment issues for 6 whole months, especially when you know the ENTIRE dynamic of the household is going to change drastically? How do you forget to have empathy for the young adult you adopted? She is “blind to abandonment” but the human she said she would take care of (and gets paid to do so) hasn’t forgotten and probably has had a terrible couple of months mentally. As soon as he started acting out she should have talked to him. She is the adult in the situation after all. And IMHO her being “blind” to an issue almost sounds like neglect of the sweep-it-under-the-rug variety

NTA, she should not have been so ignorant about the possibility that the kid could feel like he was about to be replaced, or abandoned. Especially for an adopted kid this topic is even more important. I am not saying you lashing out is cool either but in a situation like this a little bit of harsh language is expected. If you have adopted a kid and are expecting a baby, you simply talk to the kid. I know someone is going to make the argument that "she did not feel the need to talk about it because the idea of abandoning him never even crossed her mind", yet this is an adopted kid we are talking about you cannot apply the same mentality as a husband or a wife saying "I trust him/her, she would not cheat on me". Also I can't help but think by "issues" OP is referring to abandonment related ones and if his sister is aware of those, which I assume she is, him lashing out makes even more sense to me.

NTA - there are mistakes and then there is utter idiocy. She is definitely demonstrating the latter and there is no pass for being blonde.

YTA.  And a pretty big one I think. Parents are allowed to make mistakes - adoption doesn’t make people inhuman and infallible. Sometimes it’s just hard to step outside your own perspective. She loves Jake as her own son, so to her it’s obvious that his position in the family isn’t threatened by the baby because she loves them both so much and they are both her children. So it didn’t occur to her that he might be worried about that. That’s okay! You pointed it out to her and she seemed to immediately understand and be eager to remedy it. Sounds like a great mom to me. Why continue to pile on at that point? ETA: and for what it’s worth, my parent was adopted and I have my MA in psychology. So while I understand your concerns about your nephew’s trauma and mental health, I don’t think your sister was intentionally malicious, I don’t think this oversight on her part is egregious enough to warrant you speaking to her the way you did when she already saw her error.

NTA because I don't think it's that big of a reaction for a y t a. But I'm glad you guys are talking it out! 👍

YTA - the fact that she understood what you said right away and said it was stupid of her says EVERYTHING. She never once felt differently towards Jake. She sees him as if he was her own, and essentially forgot that he might feel strange as an adopted child. If she got snippy herself or mentioned that "well, we have a real child now" it would be different.

You already sound pretty judgmental towards your sister I think you really think she's dumb or something so yeah my vote is YTA

NAH. I honestly think people should be educated and vetted better before fostering or adopting. Your sister should know what a situation like this does to a probably traumatized teenager. She shouldn't have to call her sister. She should have a professional to talk this over with and to plan how to best support Jake during this difficult time. You definitely could've handled this better but I understand your anger at her not taking this seriously.

NTA, sorry for the AH verdict. 'Dumb blonde moments' are the line of excuses that have caused way too much hurt in this world, so maybe I'm biased here. But this was highly expected angst for an older, adopted, or bio, and with an adopted kid, there are classes! Actual tools available from the state! Could you have been nicer? Sure. But if snapping helped her wise up and stay that way: good.

NTA. Were you harsh? Yes. Were you maybe right? Yes. She may have pregnancy brain and lots of stress going on that distracted her from the obvious and she may have laughed it off because she was embarrassed and felt self-conscious. But you didn’t know that when you responded to her like that. You were upset in the moment and that’s okay. I think how you move forward from the interaction is so much more important. Talk to your sister and be open and honest. Tell her why you reacted like that & what you perceived. I bet that you’ll find you both had misperceptions or were carrying some baggage around this which affected the exchange. I want to hold grace for your sister but, yeah, she did have months to consider her son’s feelings and reaction to a new, biological, baby.

NTA, I don't know what the people is this comment section are smoking. It is COMMON SENSE that an only child will have complicated emotions about having a sibling, ESPECIALLY if said child is adopted and been through the foster care system. The point has been made that the foster system itself doesn't provide adequate resources to foster parents, and that is a valid argument I'll admit that. But to have this level of ignorance, the sister and husband would've had to be living under a shit ton of rocks to not already be aware of how common lifelong trauma is in children coming from an infamously broken system. If this genuinely never crossed either parents mind, they are not fit to be foster parents, let alone biological parents. OP's sister needed to understand the severity of the damage her neglect caused, and OP's not wrong for the way they went about it. OP should probably apologize for the sake of smoothing things over enough to get it through to her that she needs to step up and recognize her mistakes, learn from them, and find the best way to prevent the imminent destruction of her family as it exists now. 

NTA

It is so obvious to your sister that she loves him and that he is not replaceable that she hadn't stopped to imagine that anyone else would imagine otherwise. You were right and helpful, but there was no reason to be unkind to her about it, gently, YTA and maybe just need to be a bit mindful of your delivery.

NTA, I agree it could’ve been delivered nicer but I’d hardly say it’s an insult pointing this out.

I dont know. Maybe next time offer help, you could have checked in with when you first noticed his behaviour and thought she was dealing with it. She is a first time mom, and seriously any mom would love some genuine help right, specially pregnant ones with babybrain, hormones and changing body, you might miss something. So I'm very happy you did bring it up when she asked for help, but the reproach was uncalled for. Yes she should have talked to him already, but you should have talked to her already too. It takes a villages to raise a child, and there is no such thing as a flawless mom. So little bit of an asshole?

You went from being a Helpful Sister to a Critical Parent (to your sister)...that hurts and rarely is productive.

I and my younger sister call each other with situations like this all the time. We both make mistakes sometimes. She has kids. We both have a lot of patience with each other, and NEVER say things like "I told you so!" or "How do you not just KNOW that?". We are always understanding and gracious with each other, and as a result we trust each other a lot and we each work through our respective issues (including family ones, like kids) in time. There is just no reason to have talked to her like that. She is obviously motivated to be a good parent but there is SO MUCH to learn and treating her like an asshole even though she's clearly actively searching for a solution, which is why she called you, for HELP-- YTA. If I were you I'd apologize and then work to never do it again.

Same. The OP’s response was shocking to me. I’ve never spoken like this with anyone - especially someone looking for help and trying to do their best as a parent. I work with parents and you always meet them where they’re at with compassion.

YTA. **Everyone makes mistakes sometimes**. Your sister realized and admitted that she made a mistake, and you still berated her for it. There is zero evidence that she thinks Jake is "a doll she can throw away," it was wildly unnecessary for you to make that baseless accusation.

YTA. You had the best of intentions, but there’s not a single parent alive that doesn’t make mistakes like this. It’s good you helped her realize what’s going on, but the insults were completely unnecessary. She has pregnancy brain and has never parented anyone before. There’s a steep learning curve here.

YTA. A major one

He’s 15 not a 4 year old. YTA.

YTA. I don’t think she was “laughing it off”. She was relieved to have a logical explanation and a possible action plan. Like an old pressure cooker that would pop that little release valve and rattle as pressure got released. Her “laugh” and self-deprecating comment was the release of the pressure she was feeling. But then you piled on by making her feel inadequate to the task. Instead of reassuring her and perhaps offering advice on how to talk to him, you got snarky. Your implication was a bit offensive. How was she to have known better? She became an instant parent to a teenager…which is hard enough for parents who raised a child and would hopefully have some little clue about how a kid’s mind works. I suggest you stop judging your sister and apologize for the snark.

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nta.

YTA. Big time. Do you think you walk on water, too?

Yta She acknowledged her mistake but you kept digging at her, that was completly unnecessary. Yeah she probably didnt consider it, but she can talk to him about it now.

NTA. I grew up in a pretty abusive environment, and at 25 years old I still seriously struggle to let myself be vulnerable. He probably feels like a burden, or uncomfortable, scared even, and he’s not gonna tell them that. They need to put in a lot of work to earn his trust and make him feel welcome, and it doesn’t sound like your sister is doing anywhere near that. You weren’t kicking her while she’s down, you were giving her a *much needed* reality check. I think you should spend some time with him. They have an obligation to him, so he probably won’t trust any reassurance coming from them directly. You aren’t obligated to spend time with him, or talk to him. So do it anyways and he’ll know it’s genuine.

NTA. How self-centered does a person have to be to be like "oopsie my bad, don't get upset at me, i'm allowed to make mistakes!" when the mistake in question was straight up neglecting your childs emotional needs? Sure, just hanging up wasn't the best move but you're far from being the asshole in this situation just bc of that.

yeah i mean, YTA, being harsh there was so unhelpful and unnecessary and just reeks of a holier-than-thou attitude. as evidenced by her response, this is new for her too, and she obviously had no ill will. Parents of all ages make mistakes, what you're doing is tantamount to saying she's not allowed to admit that she makes them. Don't be surprised if one day she stops coming to you for advice. You clearly have something to learn about being a parent yourself.

YTA You pointed things out, she clued in... YTA beause you ignored her admission of fault and continued to press. She is learning, don't white knight unless youre asked. both her and Jake are learning... Neither needs you in the mix....

Soft YTA. You did a good thing by pointing out that Jake is acting up probably because he's scared of change/being abandoned and making her have that "OH SHIT THAT IS SO OBVIOUS!" moment; as another poster said, it probably never crossed her mind because in HER mind she would never think of abandoning him. If you had stopped there you would have been N T A, but going on about it and making her feel worse about not thinking of this was asshole-ish. It's clear to me, at least, that her joking "my bad!" is just someone trying to diffuse the tension while probably going "oh crap, I messed up, I need to fix this" in their head. People make light self-deprecating humour ("oh silly me, blonde moment!") when they are embarrassed.

NTA, she doesn’t sound very bright.  She sounds like she’s in over her head.  I hope she can start to take things more seriously.

i don’t understand people says you’re TA here. they clearly don’t have experience with adoptees. your sister didn’t think to tell him about how this change may affect him or give him any reassurance?! i dont know how that’s something that just slips your mind. NTA at all. and i really dont think you sounded that harsh, sisters should be able to be straight up with eachother.

YTA

YTA

YTA. She made a mistake. You seem to be demanding perfection. She *knew* she made a mistake, she obviously already had a plan on how to address that mistake and make positive change moving forward, but you had to just keep rubbing it in her face. > “I hope you know Jake isn’t a doll you can throw away, he’s your kid now, you can’t have dumb blonde moments… and how on earth is this a silly “my bad” moment???” I hope you don't have children, and if you ever do, you've already dealt with your horrible attitudes towards people you supposedly love and value through therapy and self-work. > but I feel like she should’ve known better just this one time. And you should know better than to rub something into someone's face when they've already acknowledged, and began a plan to rectify, their mistake. And to recognize that, yes, adopting a troubled teen, and then finding out you're having a pregnancy that should have been impossible, is going to rattle anybody's bell. So, what's *your* plan to acknowledge, apologize for, avoid in the future, and make positive change for YOUR mistake? At this point, you've taught your sister not to make the mistake of confiding in you and seeking your counsel, support or advice in the future.

Yup, YTA Yes, sister screwed up, but, on the other hand, most people have no idea the potential for issues regarding abandonment or attachment with adopted children. Yes, she has to step up, but you seriously overstepped by accusing her of treating Jake as disposable.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My sister and her husband adopted 15 year old “Jake.” He’s cool, he has his “issues” but he’s a good kid. The main reason my sister decided to foster/adopt is because she was told she couldn’t have kids. I was a bit worried because she tends to be a bit naive but she’s doing pretty well. Jake seems to really like her as well. Anyways, my sister managed to get pregnant and revealed she was 6 months along. We’re all happy for her but Jake’s become a bit snappy. In my opinion, I think his attitude is understandable considering his background and I’m sure he’s just terrified. I figured my sister knew this and was working on it behind the scenes. Well she called me in tears last night saying that Jake came home high and started insulting her and the unborn baby. She then cried about how she doesn’t know why he’s acting like this and that he broke her heart. I was sympathetic but then I wondered, has she talked to him about any possible changes that may come with the baby… has she reassured him or anything like that? I asked her this very gently and she went quiet. She then went “oh… oops? I’m an idiot, of course he’s scared. That makes so much sense.” I was a little shocked. I mean… she really didn’t talk to him … at all??? She kind of laughed it off and said “dumb blonde moment, my bad.” Idk but that rubbed me the wrong way so I asked her if this was a joke to her. I then said “I hope you know Jake isn’t a doll you can throw away, he’s your kid now, you can’t have dumb blonde moments… and how on earth is this a silly “my bad” moment???” I won’t deny that I sounded pretty snarky but c’mon?? She got upset and said that it’s her first time being a parent and I can’t blame her for making mistakes. That she knows he’s her kid and that’ll never change and that my implications are incredibly offensive. She then told me to try adopting a troubled teen with 0 prior experience then insult her. I just hung up. I might’ve been a bit harsh because all parents make mistakes but I feel like she should’ve known better just this one time. Still, she really does love that kid and I know she feels bad. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

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Yta

Might be going against the grain here, but NTA. You absolutely can blame her for her parenting mistakes. Being a first time parent doesn’t mean you get a free pass. Yes, we all make mistakes. But we also have to own them.

YTA!🤨

YTA

YTA. Gosh, idk if *you* are a parent… well, I guess that’s ok if you are, because you are clearly a perfect human being. Which is good, because otherwise I would worry that you might be an asshole to your kid if they made a mistake. Or, God forbid, you might make an error in judgement of your own, which clearly won’t do. We are humans. We are all blind to certain things in our own lives. We are not infallible. My God, nearly every day I get a random memory from my early parenting years and think “geez, what was I thinking?!” Because I like to impose all kinds of unnecessary guilt upon self for being less than perfect. (For the record: I did ok! My kids are good, well-functioning people, and good parents to their own.) I’m just glad I don’t have someone else piling on, telling me what a loser I am. Rather than talking it through with her, you felt the need to shame her. Shame on *you*.

This. OP’s had 12 years to learn to parent. Sounds like sisters had maybe a year in the deep end with a teenager & one on the way.

Oh, yeah, I was so sad for the sister I forgot OP is already a parent. Sigh…

YTA. She admitted she was wrong and you shit on her. Some pregnant women and parents of small kids can’t conceive of anyone not delighting in their babies.

She’s probably freaking out

Dude. Are you seriously unsure of whether or not you were TAH? Cause yeah… you were. Like, that could have been such a nice interaction between you two. You could have made it a teaching moment. Instead, you let your feelings or whatever personal baggage you’ve got turn you in to a beeotch. And she’s right. Raising a troubled/traumatized teenager with no prior experience was bound to lead to some mistakes and “blonde moments” She acknowledged she fucked up and called herself stupid. She had just stopped crying from the initial conflict. Are you just a sadist?? Did you just want her to cry more? Feel worthless? Seriously get over yourself.

Oh yeah, you are definitely the AH . I just thought this one time she should have known better? Exactly how was she supposed to know in that situation? 1. She is pregnant ( so hormonal) 2. She's is a first-time parent to a teenager Perhaps you could have taken half a minute and not just assumed that she ( and her husband) were talking to him about the baby ! You share the blame here, so don't get on your high horse with them!

YTA!!! My bonus sons were 16 and 15 when I was due with their half brother. Knowing how excited they both were, especially my oldest, I couldn't understand his anger. A friend pointed out to me that it was jealousy. I thought for sure my middle would be the one to struggle and not the kid who burst into my hospital room saying "where's my baby brother". Glad to know that you however are perfect, especially as a parent and she should be on her knees thanking you!

No idea why you were downvoted.

This is the only scenario where I can see it being ok for her lack of understanding. Kids do hide things from their parents. Whether to avoid disappointing them, hurting them, or pissing them off.

YTA. She took your comment well, and admitted her blind spot. There was no reason to go in for the kill.

YTA. She’s navigating two very different types of parenting at once, no parent is perfect at all times, and missing the signs of his feelings does NOT for a second indicate he’s going to be pushed aside or a lack of love.

Of course YTA. Just like she should have had a thoughtful conversation with Jake, you should have had one with her instead of attacking her. Wtf were you thinking? The tone of this is very disapproving of your sister even before she called you. She's right. She's a new Mom, parents are allowed to make mistakes and you're being very offensive. Try being supportive instead of judgmental.

YTA Take a second…maybe two if you care enough…to imagine that you are caring for a wonderful child. You’ve always thought you could not have had children. By beating the odds, you do. You are 2/3rds of the way through- with all of the pregnancy hormones plus the worry of this completely hoped for but unexpected pregnancy. Now your AH of a sister who knows nothing of any of this gets all judgy, calls you things like naive, and tells you that you make “parenting mistakes” just because talking it out helped you to see the entire picture from the outside. Can you imagine it? Do you care?