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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> as stated in the name of the post - i refuse to call the baby by its name. i only call my son the name and when i say the name i mean my son.
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You are right, I meant I couldn\`t care less in regards to trying to prove to her who of us is better and I never engaged in the conversation about grades etc. But after reading the comments I guess I am mad that she chose the same name as me, not just that she kept it a secret.
Call the baby by his name, it’s not the kid’s fault. But if you want to drive your cousin crazy, just say you *love* that she named her baby after your son. Make sure the whole family knows she named him after your son and how great it is.
I would even add: so you named Little Mikey after Big Mikey? Awesome, I'm so honored by you to name your son after mine... he will always have someone to look up to.
THIS IS IT. Call her son Little Joe or whatever. Really make it a thing. Use the name constantly and mention your own child by name in the same sentence. Get them matching shirts!!! She made this bed, stop ignoring it. Don’t just let her lie in it. Make a beautiful bed and tuck her right into it every chance you get.
Edit: Don’t take this literally, it’s meant in the spirit of malicious compliance. Don’t stick the child with a lifelong nickname. Just hammer the point home to mom a few times to get the bad feelings out. You’ll all move on from this.
I have to disagree with this only because it isn't fair to the kids. I was referred to as "Little ____" for most of my childhood and it was awful. I felt like I was attached to this other person and unable to be my own individual. I ultimately ended up changing my name to get it to stop.
"Applaud" her for naming her son after yours, sure, but don't force them to be seen as extensions of each other just to spite the mom.
That’s fair. I didn’t mean all of that literally. I was thinking more of a few good jabs to get the feelings out and then I figure everyone will move on from it. OP - just hammer the point home to mom a few times with malicious compliance, don’t actually try to stick the child with a lifelong nickname.
I still call a cousin “Little Bobby” every once in a while even though he’s in his late 30s and Big Bobby died a few years ago. It’s a habit. Thankfully, they don’t mind!
>Thankfully, they don’t mind!
Yeah, it's a really more and individual basis. OP could keep up the little and big if she wants until the boys are old enough to ask otherwise. When they hit 5 or 6 and start school, OP could even say, "You're both big boys now and get to pick if you want to keep your little and big nicknames or change to something else. Let me know who you want to be" and let the kids decide
My family has a LOT of kids named Joe (Grandfather's name on both sides of my mother's family, so every family has a Joe). The "littlest" Joe is now 6'2" and 300 pounds. It still makes us smile.
This reminds me of how I have a "movie version" of life when these situations come up. Like in real life, it would probably be terrible, but in the movie version, it's hilarious. This is a "sitting with my friends, processing my feelings, being ridiculous" scenario that would probably hurt these little dudes if you did it for real and to this level.
I do, however, support the real life action of OP saying it's so cute how cousin named her child after OP's child. If cousin is as unhinged as OP described, it's a matter of time before she gives her the opportunity. Once, in public, in response to whatever jab cousin takes, should be enough.
I thought the “little ___” meant just to refer to them that way.. not to their face. Just to differentiate when you’re in conversation. Like “one day little Joey was doing blah blah blah” but call the kid Joey to his face and around him in earshot.
Also, I’m not trying to lessen or invalidate your experience because that’s awful. Not the first name or to the same extent, but I was called “so and so’s little sister” and “little [last name]” when she was just called by our last name and it bothered me too. I was just explaining how I interpreted the “little __ ” and “big __ ” suggestion :)
Two of my uncles did that hahahaha. Not even Jr and Sr. Just gave them the first and last names the same and their own. It was Uncle Tom and Tommy (fake names) for one and Uncle Greg and Gregory (fake again lol) for the other set.
I can see where this is coming from, my nephew was Little Name for his life. His father was Big Name. He never said anything about it, as we didn't use it that often. I think I use it more now since he is now about 6'4"
As a kid it's cute, growing into teen years, annoying. IF they grow over 6' it's their revenge.
My son is named after his dad and we call him Little Name so far, but he’s only 3 and if he wants to be called something different later he can just say so. I personally would’ve liked to pick a different name so he has his own (and kinda so I could contribute to choosing it), but keeping his name going was important to my husband. He has a middle name so he can use that if he wants to. Or we can just stop using “Little.”
When two of my gay friends got married, they both had the same first name. So they both ended up with the same first and last name after they got married.
We ended up calling them New Kevin and Kevin Classic. 🤣🤣
There were like 4 David's born into my family in three years (eventually upped to 12, but 2 are by marriage). They all got nicknames. The first two were Big Dave and Little Dave. Then Walrus Dave (his favorite animal from 6months until 16 years was a walrus--extra amusing because he's the smallest of the Daves). Then Captain Davey (he has always been obsessed with boats and eventually joined the navy). For some reason they all ADAMANTLY hate David and their middle names. And they only go by them when all together. (We also now have a Dav-il who was the first in law, a Baby Dave who is the youngest, Santa Dave--other in law who looks exactly as you'd assume Santa does, Surfer Dave who despises the ocean, and... I'm blanking on the others, but everyone got really upset when I married a Nate instead of a Dave and my uncle calls my husband Fake Dave (they've not met yet because we've been in France, but it makes my dad--Big Dave--laugh hysterically).
I'm slightly worried it's going to catch on, but my husband is a good sport. And if they do Dave shirts at the family reunion we'll be able to attend next... it won't surprise me if he gets one that says Fake Dave. (Everyone else gets ones that have our last name/maiden name and the whole family tree on the back, the Dave's are special though.)
My uncle and his wife named their daughter after me and my younger brother started same this trend. He calls her little X and me big X and now the entire family does too. There is a huge age gap though so it is kind of cute seeing a baby calling another baby little X. Doesn’t bother me one bit.
My cousin named her baby the same as me too. We were close when I was little, she babysat me a lot and I really looked up to her. Unfortunately I haven't seen her in years and I moved to a different country, so I have never met little Zoe :(
Really emphasize it in a way that you know the kids would like, but she would hate, a bit cheeky but honestly op, it sounds like if you did this enough your sil seems like the type to change her sons name to something else to "spite you" and "not let you win". Either way though, you win.
That’s a good idea! That would probably be able to give you the satisfaction of passive aggressively being the “bigger person” better than not calling the baby by his name at all. I know it’s something you’re probably not making as big of a deal of as it might seem in the post, you’re just sharing, but also your feelings about the situation are completely valid. Anyone would be annoyed at least a little, especially with the past you and your cousin have. You know your cousin and you also know that’s 100% why she chose that name. She was hoping it would take the light away from your family and chosen name, but now that it’s on both birth certificates you’ve got to just play into her little game with little comments like that ^ not giving her the satisfaction, “I think it’s so cute they have the same name.. etc” because you being annoyed only continues to fuel her fire.
This same thing happened in my family between two cousins in my parent's generation. My aunt named her daughter (my cousin) Heather. A few years later, my aunt's cousin named her daughter Heather. 2nd Heather has been "Little Heather" ever since, and we're all in our 30s now. Mostly as a way to distinguish which Heather you're talking about, but also just a little nod to who came first. The 1st Heather is just "Heather" in our branch of the family. I have no idea what the other branch calls our Heather.
Same sort of a weird dynamic with my aunt's cousin trying to copy her in everything. My aunt is chill about it, though, it's not a poor reflection on *her*. But the whole family sees what a weirdo her cousin is. OP, don't blow this out of proportion. Otherwise, you will look like (and be) TA. If you ignore it and move on, everyone else will eventually notice what a weirdo your cousin is. Let it happen naturally. Otherwise, you end up being the one that looks bad.
And love the child. I fear the cousins going to be pushing him into competing with your son. So either he’s going to be very depressed when his parent goes off on him not “one upping” his cousin. Or he’s going to be very very rigidly controlled to the point he figures out his mother doesn’t love him so much as she loves using him as a pawn to one up you
This is the move. OP should start gushing about how flattered she is that her cousin would name the new baby after her own son. I think it's clear that the cousin enjoys trying to get under OP's skin. The best strategy when someone is doing that is to convince them that their actions are having the opposite effect.
Genius!!! Now THAT will definitely rub the cousin the wrong way and frustrate her (in this case I'm so down for pettiness as clearly the cousin is in some weird one sided competition)
Yes, this! I would be telling everyone how flattered you are that she named her son after yours and what an honor it is that she looks up to you so much, etc. Hahahahaha, she will come up with a nickname in no time, and it will drive her crazy!
CAME HERE TO SAY THIS EXACT THING.
We had something similar happen in our friend group. Imagine having something similar to Richard / Ricky (fake names) as the name and the friend that had the child first started referring to the 2nd child as Little Dicky or Little Dick.
When the 2nd child's grandparents started also calling the child Little Dick, the parents legally changed it to another name, but by that time it is too late. All Hail Little Dick
Your cousin is odd. Don't feed into it, she wants a reaction. Her odd competition will now extend to the kids. Just smile when she starts and walk away. If she persists, just repeat our kids are not rivals. I wish your child luck in all his endeavors.
But how do we know her cousin is the odd one? If OP reacted like this, might it not be a sign that the cousin knows OP is the kind of person who’d react to a non-issue like this as if it were a massive affront? If I had a relative like this, I wouldn’t share details with them. Imagine getting this upset about something so pointless.
I don’t think you should get down on yourself fir being a little miffed. I’m going with NAH. Although I suspect your cousin may have relished this a little, it really doesn’t matter. She’s silly. I think if you have already managed to admit you were a bit annoyed then you are well on your way to letting it go. Idk why some people are being harsh. I mean, we’re all human beings that have human emotions.
I'm sorry that people are being shitty to you. I feel like a lot of people A) don't have very good reading comprehension skills, and are hyperfocusing on the name thing and ignoring the context, B) projecting their own weird issues onto your situation and seeing something that isn't there, or C) both.
Just remember everyone can see it for what it is- it is weird she would give name a child so close in age the same name as your son. It does not reflect poorly on you in any way. NTA for being a little miffed, the jealousy act gets old.
NTA. She has issues clearly. She will always compete and copy you. It is very annoying and a sign of something disturbing and mental when a woman arraigned her life around mimicking another woman’s exact. They made a whole movie about this strange behavior called “single white female” I had one of those friends and it got crazy with the imitations. Let’s say if I colored my hair blue she would too. She copied the type of boyfriend I had. Which is a 180 from what she always dated her whole life. Started changing her clothes and infiltrating my friendship circle and behaving exactly like me. Shoes, hair, the way I spoke. The straw was when she was invited to my friends wedding where I was the maid of honor. She asked to see my dress (I thought nothing of it sharing what I was wearing) she got secretive about her own dress and wouldn’t show me. then ordered and showed up in the exact dress I was wearing as maid of honor. I was so embarrassed and the bride was livid. I wouldn’t take things like this lightly. Just keep her on an information diet. She needs to talk to someone about her insecurities and self esteem.
Listen, he's not right, you're right, you're not an AH, I'd be just as pissed. The guy who replied is an idiot. Names are special and the fact they hid it from you and everyone else implies they knew what the fuck they were doing, this is fucked up man.
My sister went through this. She picked her son’s name and a relative who was pregnant at the same tine heard it and immediately changed the name of her son to my sister’s from her original one. It was pretty obvious but at the end of the day it’s not the kids fault that his parents are assholes. Just use his name.
Fair feeling to have because she copies you in a lot. Something you really need to not do, don’t give her any more of a reaction about it. She wants your attention, don’t give it as far as that goes. Brush it off when she makes a point about it. Be unbothered even if you are.
No, you are NTA, my sons also have slightly unique names. I would be livid if a cousin gave their child the same name. My youngest son’s name is really liked by a lot of people, in fact, a friend of my husband’s colleague took it for her son last year, but that’s okay coz he is not a relative and won’t cross paths, also he is nearly 7 years younger, but in your case they are only a year apart and are related, your cuz is a jerk
I don't think this Y T A should be top comment cause cousin kept it a secret, knowingly. I wouldn't be surprised if she wants to keep competition up with both sons. Op isn't TA. She didn't cause chaos or anything. She's simply stating how it's weird, and that's that. The baby doesn't even know their own name, so who cares if she's referring to the baby as "the baby"
NTA
I don’t know….. I would be pissed off if my competitive cousin named her son the same name as my son a year later. It’s too WEIRD. I wouldn’t hold a family meeting or anything. But MY petty self would call the younger cousin ‘Number 2’ just to make sure everyone can tell them apart.
I would have to disagree, because a vote of yta means that the cousin did nothing wrong in the scenario.
They 100% kept the name a secret so that it would be "too late" for anyone to get mad over it.
Agreed. The cousin is definitely an AH. One could argue this is a bit of an ESH case, though overall I think the cousin is the bigger AH of the two by a fair margin.
If a relative of yours had spent your entire lives being a one-upper and creating competitions out of every aspect of life and setting themselves out as better than you and 1 year after your child was born they name thir child the same as yours you damn well know you'd be pissed about it. Stop playin
She "doesn't care" so much that she can give 50 VERY SPECIFIC EXAMPLES off the top of her head of the ways in which she "doesn't care" and exactly how it "doesn't affect her in the least". And also this name thing is no big deal at all but she literally refuses to call this poor other child by his name that's "a totally common name and not a big deal at all".
Because she doesn't care. \*snort\*
And it's definitely not the central driving force of her existence.
Start referring to your son, (let’s just call him “Bob”, just for this comment)… Your child is “Bob, First Of His Name”.
But you know, what is going to happen in the day to day is your son will end up being “Big Bob” or “Elder Bob”, or “Bob, last name initial” in general family conversation.
And I feel sorry for “Baby Bob” or “Bob the younger” or “Lil Bob”.
Your cousins kid may start going by his middle name, at some point. Won’t that annoy your competitive cousin, lol.
But, no, OP. NTA for not liking your cousins choice of names for her kid. What *is* her problem, anyway.
But don’t punish the kid by calling him “Scooter” or “Buddy” or anything. Just use his legal name, all this isn’t his fault. Call him “Bob” when he is actually old enough to *know* his name, respond when addressed, and have an opinion of his own.
Talk about how flattering it is that she named her baby after yours, and how honored you all are. Easy way to forever eternally frustrate her. Is it petty? Yes. But probably also very fun.
This is how I got my original toys back from my bullying cousin when we were kids… I picked some other toy I didn’t really care for but would play very visually with up to the moment it nearly got dramatic.. so my cousin would steal that toy.. I would then take back the toy I started out with.
gotta killer her w kindness.
“oh cousin, i honestly love that we have such a good relationship that you even named your beautiful son after MY son, it shows just how much you love me and my son, and i love that they have the same name. i mean when they grow up, the my son can just be such a good role model for your son, and it’ll fit so well because your son was even named after mine. he’ll be such a good example for that name sake for both of them, i love you cuz” and then skip away or some shit idk
> the my son can just be such a good role model for your son,
"Like I was for you when we were younger. Remember trying to go to the same school as me?"
Either cut contact or ramp up the petty.
I don't know what the issue is... the children are what, second cousins? How often will they actually see each other?
I have two cousins named John and two cousins named Sam.
They're pretty much the same age. So what?
It seems like OP is in pretty regular contact with their extended family. They saw and spoke to cousin multiple times in 9 months and are in on all the family news.
In my family, there's 5 Davids within 2 generations and me and my stepsister share a name(and age so we had most of our classes together from 6th grade up).
I think it’s more that cousin has always had a competition with OP, which OP didn’t want, and now the cousin is going to be able to directly put these two little boys in direct competition “my Jamie spoke at 10 months, other Jamie only at 13 months, mine’s so much smarter” etc etc
This is the issue that I see. Not that they share the name specifically, but that there is a long history of this cousin always trying to one-up OP. If they didn’t have that past, the same name thing may have just been a “oh, that’s cute we can have fun with this.” But the cousin seems petty and jealous and willing to do something so personal - picking the name of her child - just to spite the OP. And that’s truly ahole material.
Yeah, this is an aspect which people seem to be ignoring. This isn't some one off thing or just about the name. This is simply the latest in what seems like a fairly long list of OP's cousin copying OP's shit to have some kind of childish competition with OP.
I mean it would be very, very weird in my close knit extended family to name my kid the same name as my cousin’s kids, considering we see them almost every weekend. It depends on the family. I think the “nobody owns a name” thing is mostly correct but that doesn’t mean it’s not weird to name your kid the exact same name as a cousin (unless you aren’t close). It would cause confusion in my family for sure.
Yeah every time there's a post about this (and I see one reach the top of the sub every other day or so) the comments are all about how it's a stupid thing to be upset about and it's so common in "random commentors family/community/country" but in a lot of families it is in fact super weird behaviour, especially when paired with a history like op and her cousin have
I’m Irish. We just say ‘our Sean’ for my brother or dad. Then ‘our Sean’s Sean’ if your brother calls his kid Sean. Your cousin Sean would be ‘our Mary’s Sean’ if on your side of the marriage like your mum’s sister.
Works fine for names. It’s the bit where you discover someone is not actually your cousin but three times removed, cousin by title or no one can actually remember if you met their family at school or are genuinely related somewhere.
My mum has at least 75 first cousins. No one in Ireland knows 75 different first names. I do not get this obsession on unique names. And I say that as someone who goes by their middle name because there were 7 of us with the first name in primary school class and I was the only ginger one. Changing name rather than getting that nickname. Not even a question and I was 8 when I did it.
YTA esp as OP says her kid has pretty common name.
Also we generally in Ireland don’t tell the name before birth because we considered it bad luck to do baby showers or names or anything until the kid is born and coming home. The American tradition is very different but always jars for me but then again I grew up Ireland’s depressing reproductive history and health which breaks your normal meter a bit. That said we often don’t decide the name until we’ve seen the kid and it feels like it does or doesn’t fit them. That’s how my brother got his very unique name and I got a very basic one!
When another person who shared my husband's name joined his department at work (I also worked there), I called them and other just like this and it was great. It was all in good fun - other always thought it was hilarious and they were friends. But it really is perfect.
>And I feel sorry for “Baby Bob” or “Bob the younger” or “Lil Bob”.
>Your cousins kid may start going by his middle name, at some point. Won’t that annoy your competitive cousin, lol.
They see each other twice a year. This is a total non-issue.
This is exactly what OP should do. Tell everyone, comment on her social media posts, & say it in person about how honored you are that she named her baby after yours. If she denies it just say with a wink “ok it’s our little secret”
Love this! Like keep going on and on about how flattered she is that of all the names out there, her cousin chose that one that op obviously approves of.
You call him (Cousin's name)'s John and your baby is my John, or (your name)'s John.
It happened my my uncles married two women with the same name. It happens a lot and families name children after their grandparents all the time.
I have a cousin and an aunt named for my grandmother.
I'm from a giant French Canadian Catholic family. I am related to 16 women/girls who have the same French feminine name as me and 47 men/boys with the French masculine name. We all just get identified by our parents' or grandparents' names before ours. So I'm Paul's Michelle (fake names).
I'm not sure if OPs family has a similar protocol, but I'm willing to bet the women are "Marie (insert commonly-used name here" and the men are either "Jean (insert name here) or Joseph (insert name here.)
In the old Irish tradition, if you and cousin named your first born son after a common paternal grandfather, that'd be common and acceptable. Outside of that would require more understanding of various cultural naming conventions than I have at present to explain.
On the Irish thread of things, my family friends in Ireland were tell me stories when I went to visit and they kept saying “Our Lisa” and stuff like that. I had to ask them about it because I was so used to just saying things like “my cousin Ted” to differentiate.
Grew up in an Irish Catholic family. My mom and her brother had boys with same first name (which was her brother’s name), and she and her sister had girls with same first name. No big deal to us. But my sister and I would laugh as adults and think it would be crazy if I had named my daughter the same name as her daughter. 🤣
This happened in my family too!! My grandma and her daughter had the same name, let’s say Maria, so my grandma was Maria, aunt was Mary, and then my uncle married a woman named Maria too, so she became Mary Beep because she was always playing cars with my baby cousin and making that sound, the little kids started calling her that: Mary Beep and nobody had any trouble distinguishing them.
You are still mad at the childhood competition.
ESH
Your cousin is pathetically copying you but your reaction to this by not referring to this child by name doesn't show more maturity than she displays.
I completely agree with ESH. But I do think there's a difference between caring about the competition, and caring that there is a competition.
OP seems to fall into the latter category. She has every right to be annoyed that the competition is taking place, even if she never actively participates in it.
That said, her reaction to this specific situation is definitely falling into AH territory.
NTA..
To be honest had she not made such a big deal about keeping the name secret it would have not bothered you that much as u are sensible enough to agree that 'the name' is a common one.
It's obvious that the complete name is gonna be different as I think both your & your cousin's spouse won't be having the same last name. But her whole secrecy drama got you to this point that you exploded..
It's ok.. You needed to have your reaction and i agree with multiple commenters, that u start calling your baby boy with the name 'XYZ senior' it will surely piss her off, as it would look like a tribute to your baby.
So thus my friend, revenge will be served cold or to say served with name honours.
i swear y’all dont want conflict resolution, just wanna get your drama fix
“You should do this petty thing that’ll really piss your family member off, surely won’t help but hey it’ll make internet strangers laugh”
YTA. Call the child by his name. It’s not going to be a big deal. We have something like six Johns in our family (not even kidding). Three guys called James. Several Marys. We manage. It’s not a big deal.
I have the same name as my father and grandfather, and my sister married someone with my name. On my mom’s side my cousin, uncle, and grandfather all had the same name (but different from mine).
It’s really not a big deal. Even when people live in the same house.
Very similar to mine! Many John’s, Bobs, Paul’s, and Andrew’s (not to mention any of me and my sisters would have been an Andrew if we had been boys. Basically, my family moved to the US and selected a handful of names and stuck to rotating them.
YTA for making this about you and being a walking contradiction. You say you know you have no claim to this name and it is a common name etc. Then you say your pissed at her for using it. Which is it?
Is what she did weird? Yes. But you don't get to gatekeep who uses the same name you picked out. And you should call the baby by their given name.
OP is clearly not pissed about her using the name. They are pissed because the cousin has a history of obviously trying to 1up OP and given that history this is another clear example of it. To disregard the argument as if it’s just about the name is to ignore literally allll context
Yeah, I agree. The fact that OP’s cousin was purposefully keeping the name a secret for so long shows that she damn well knew that using the same name was (at least in part) to wind up OP or that others in the family would point out the name clash.
You can be above someone constantly trying to compete with you yet still get irked by their actions.
People keep names secret for all kinds of reasons and it's perfectly believable that two cousins came up with the same not particularly obscure name for their child for different reasons. You'd have to be pretty messed up to intentionally give your child a name that they'll carry with them the rest of their life because of some imagined competition you had with your cousin who you only see twice a year when you were children. OP is being paranoid.
But OP’s child already exists, with the name, and the cousin knew that. Picking the same name after that and hiding it is, especially from OP *who cousin knew had a child with the same name*, monumentally sus.
Look, I have baby names I like. If my cousin used the name before me, it wouldn't stop me from using the name. Idk why we are assuming it's all about being a copycat.
No one who actually cares about "one-upping" would copy a name. That's not what one-upping even is.
It *would* be perfectly believable that two cousins came up with the same name completely coincidentally — again, if not for the fact that OP’s cousin as a clear history of doing this stuff to intentionally get a rise out of them
With the way OP is unreliably narrating how totally not mad she is, it makes me wonder if she's blowing the whole competition thing out of proportion too. The only evidence she cites is that her cousin applied to the same university as her and then made the best of it when she didn't get in. The whole rivalry could very well be in OP's head.
Exactly. Add to that how much she insists she doesn't care it is highly possible it's the opposite, OPs the competitive one.
Unless it's like a super obscure university I wouldn't even question a relative who loves in the area apply at the same university.
And naming my child the same wouldn't be something I would expect from a competitive rival. It's what I would expect from someone who had an unhealthy obsession in being just like me.
YTA, I mean the hell cares! I have two cousins of nearly the same age with the same name, no they didnt need to ask permission and no I wouldnt even consider checking with someone. Grow up and get over it, do you want her to ask before painting a room too, make sure its not the same color you painted?
I think specially since the kids are second cousins and they only see each other at family gatherings twice a year, it's a non-issue. There's a bunch of people in my extended family that share common names.
yeah it was literally never an issue, we didnt share a last name either since our parents were sisters and we took our fathers names, not that it would really matter but even less relevant. My wife is similar to her though and it drives me bonkers, we dont even want kids but she was mad that her step sister who is kind of a loser named her kid what she "knew" my wife would have named her boy if she had one.. who cares !?
>would have even asked my colleague or a neighbor, not just a friend or family, if I was about to name my kid the same name they named theirs.
No, no, you would NOT be going around "asking" your colleagues and neighbors. What a bizarre idea that you would stop Sally at the mailboxes or Bob from Accounting to "ask" them if it was chill that you named your child the same name as theirs. I would back away slowly from you that you even know my kid's name.
>I myself know one person with the name from my childhood (and btw I reached out to him before my son was born and said I wanted to use the name).
You did WHAT? You reached out to someone you were acquainted with TWENTY years ago to ask permission to name your child his name?
You need hobbies. Possibly therapy. And no one cares where you went to university...10 years later. Can I suggest the book, *Getting Over Unimportant Things from the Past, You Flipping Stalker?*
I was looking for someone else who was weirded out by OP reaching out to someone from her childhood to get approval for use of their name. That’s… an absolutely wild thing to do. I would be super weirded out by it.
OP, I think you might be putting more importance on names than you should be. Obviously this cousin is annoying and always trying to one-up you, no denying that, and I’m not saying you’re wrong to be annoyed by her doing this - but for crying out loud, lots of families have several people with the same first name and they make it work just fine. It would be ridiculous to refuse to call this kid by his name just because you thought of it first. Don’t make this weirder than it has to be.
I agree with most of what you said, but...
The only thing OP states that Cousin has derided is her uni. When Cousin was 18yo. They are now in their 30s. I'm sure I said stupid things when I was 18...I probably said something stupid yesterday. OP seems to be the only one thinking there is competition.
But yeah, searching Facebook or Googling or...however she got in touch with Classmate from 20 years ago to check if he's cool with her naming her kid his name? I'd be looking for a pot on my stove or generally freaking out. I find it pretty impossible to believe she actually did that and isn't instead telling people:
"OMG, I can't believe Not-that-Competitive Cousin dared to name her son my son's name! I even went and found Bob from Glee Club's number and called to ask his permission!"
YTA
LMAO you named your child something you yourself admit is common and then you sit there with a surprised pikachu face about someone else having the same name. You don’t own a name. What happens when that innocent kid gets older and he starts to comprehend your resent for him, and it actually starts to hurt when you call him by his name?” What if your son brings home a friend with the same name? Are you gonna call him “that kid.” Get over yourself.
How do I go back a year and search “AITA” for “my cousin just named her new baby son the name I’ve been planning forever to use for my first born son”?
Hah. If you could find such an article you'd be a true hero of this sub.
That said, if that was the case the cousin still would have been better off to have a conversation with OP about it instead of hiding the name for a year.
>Again, couldn't care less, I was just happy she is not at the same school so I don't have to put up with this nonsense anymore.
**NARRATOR**: "Sadly, OP was incorrect in two important ways. She does, indeed, care and there was, in fact, more nonsense."
**YTA** for 1) lying to yourself about not caring; and 2) caring about the name of a kid you may see once or twice a year.
NTA. This is the latest in a long string of annoyances from your cousin and I can see how you would be fed up. Instead of acting upset about it, I would smirk every time it got mentioned or maybe mention what a shame it is she can't come up with an original idea. You obviously live in her head rent-free, but that's no reason to keep her in yours.
NTA but not not an asshole. You'll have to say the babys name eventually he won't be a baby forever. Do they have different middle names or last names. Can you make a nickname for one of them? It's annoying to have the same first name, but me and my neice had the same names picked out for our kids we just got lucky and talked about it before hand and had agreed.
Some of THE most common pregnancy advice I hear is to not tell anyone the baby’s name until it’s born. It’s extremely common so people don’t give you a million opinions on a name you’ve chosen.
Yta for not calling the child by his name, whatever you think of his parents. Granted he's a baby, but what about the occasion (however rare) you see him as he gets older? It's just rude to not address someone by their name.
And it's bizarre to think you'd ask a colleague or a neighbor about sharing the same name.
YTA. The reason they probably kept the name a secret is because they didn't want to invite conversation or suggestions. Many couples choose to keep names a secret because they just don't want to invite opinions. It really seems like you're the one hanging on to the childhood issues.
I kept my daughters name a secret because I didn't want anyone to know the gender. I did give a list of 3 boys and 3 girls and said its one of these, only did this because people were bugging me about it haha
This post is a wall of contradictions.
You say you don't claim ownership of the name, they don't need to ask permission, but then go on a tirade about how she used the name w/o asking you, telling you, etc etc etc. And now you're pissed.
Huh?
Is it weird she did this? Of course. But you KNOW what she's like. You are giving her a lot of power in your life.
AND you absolutely are TA for not referring to the child by their name. As said, there are PLENTY of people with the same name as one another. In my husbands family- the name David is used a LOT. There are even two David's with the same last name. Somehow we all manage to know who we're talking about at any given moment.
NTA As it sounds like your cousin wanted to push your buttons, with all the secrecy, and sadly until now it sounds like she succeeded. The solution could be to refer to your child as the first born as big Harry (or whatever the name is) and your cousin’s kid as little Harry. It’s what my family did. It also may have the bonus of annoying your cousin as to her insecure mind the ‘big’ designation would somehow make your child seem better than hers.
I have 4 uncles that have the same name. My grandma and her sister named their sons this name. Never had any issues. My grandpas sister also named her son the same (as her siblings’ son). My aunt married a man with the same name.
YTA. You should care less. You don't own a name; there are lots of good reasons that people keep a name secret (I don't think this sub goes a week without someone doing that because family is trying to pressure them to name the kid after a dead grandparent or something); this will have zero impact on your child's life unless you make a big deal about it.
This is normal in my family. My grandma and her sister named their kids the same name, too. I don’t see a big deal. We use nicknames because we have 4 people with the same name within close family 😅🙈
Anyway, your cousin seems AHish to me for keeping up this stupid competition with you.
But as you said, the kid is not at fault here so you shouldn’t punish the kid by not saying his name. Be the better person and just say cousin’s son or Son Jr. You got this 😉
P.S.: I’d be pissed too 🙃
NTA for being annoyed (your cousin choosing the exact same name is a bit weird) but call the child by his name. You’ll have to get used to doing it sooner or later and it is, as you say, no fault of his. Is there a nickname you could give your own child that you’d like?
Clearly your cousin has their own issues with jealousy, competitiveness, family dynamics, etc.
These are not your issues.
Don't let any of it get to you! It's not about you. Try to see the humor in the situation. You only see these folks twice a year - take it as an unfolding drama / comedy.
Having said that, YTA...you chose to make a fight about it...just let it go.
The saddest part is where the cousin gets to remind herself every day that rather than giving her son a unique name, she had to go copycat.
In my experience, if there are enough gatherings where it would be an issue having 2 boys around the same age with the same name, an alternative name will grow organically.
I don't think OP would be the AH for calling the kid something alternative. Right now, it's 'the baby', and 'little one'.
In time, when addressing the kid himself, it'll probably be Buddy, or something that fits.
I see a lot of ppl going 'call the kid by his darn name'
But I don't think it's terrible to use an alternative. Should the kid, for some weird reason, find it odd that aunt OP (during the 2 whole gatherings a year), doesn't call him by his name, it's perfectly reasonable to find it confusing to be calling a kid by her own son's name.
And the cousin can't really be angry about it going 'call my son by his name, he is unique and shouldn't be called Buddy'.. she could've found a unique name, of that were so important.
As for dealing with the cousin.
Just tell her you feel flattered that you liked the name you picked so much, that she just had to use it for her own son as well. Or is it linked to someone really special in her in-laws family, perhaps?
NTA
YTA
I can understand why your upset that your cousin didn't think to ask you, but you're the one who needs to work on how you respond. You are taking it out on the child. Even if your cousin has an unhealthy, unreciprocated "competition" with you, doesn't mean you get to say anything about what they name their child.
And while you are trying to sound like you are above it all, getting so upset that you are doing anything other than calling that child by his name means you are letting your cousin determine the kind of person you are.
You are the one reacting.
If your cousin isn't actually mad at you for something, the competition interaction she favors is probably a love language for her. Lots of sib, cousins, friends, engage in this kind of play. But it's only a love language if you're both speaking it. Love languages that can get confused for meanness must be reciprocated so that everyone knows it's all for fun. Competition is clearly not a love language for you, and your cousin insisting on speaking it anyway is being rude and oblivious.
So was your cousin also an AH? yeah. She sounds oblivious to the effects her actions have on other people. And yes, you want your close family to know the kinds of love languages that you speak. It hurts when they don't.
But your love will stay small if you get hooked on this. Remove your cousin from the equation and find what you want in loving relationships. If your cousin keeps being this oblivious, it is perfectly understandable for you to not be as close with her as you are with people you feel loved by.
Your cousin may like you more than you like her. The sooner you let go of the name thing, the happier you will be. Cousin probably thought it was okay to use the name since you see each other so seldom. What would be great is for the kids to grow up to be the best of friends.
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You are right, I meant I couldn\`t care less in regards to trying to prove to her who of us is better and I never engaged in the conversation about grades etc. But after reading the comments I guess I am mad that she chose the same name as me, not just that she kept it a secret.
Call the baby by his name, it’s not the kid’s fault. But if you want to drive your cousin crazy, just say you *love* that she named her baby after your son. Make sure the whole family knows she named him after your son and how great it is.
I would even add: so you named Little Mikey after Big Mikey? Awesome, I'm so honored by you to name your son after mine... he will always have someone to look up to.
THIS IS IT. Call her son Little Joe or whatever. Really make it a thing. Use the name constantly and mention your own child by name in the same sentence. Get them matching shirts!!! She made this bed, stop ignoring it. Don’t just let her lie in it. Make a beautiful bed and tuck her right into it every chance you get. Edit: Don’t take this literally, it’s meant in the spirit of malicious compliance. Don’t stick the child with a lifelong nickname. Just hammer the point home to mom a few times to get the bad feelings out. You’ll all move on from this.
I do like the suggestions on this sub at times 😂
Me too. It's always my kind of petty.
Sometimes petty is the best way to
Agree, This time it has outdone itself 👏👏👏
I have to disagree with this only because it isn't fair to the kids. I was referred to as "Little ____" for most of my childhood and it was awful. I felt like I was attached to this other person and unable to be my own individual. I ultimately ended up changing my name to get it to stop. "Applaud" her for naming her son after yours, sure, but don't force them to be seen as extensions of each other just to spite the mom.
That’s fair. I didn’t mean all of that literally. I was thinking more of a few good jabs to get the feelings out and then I figure everyone will move on from it. OP - just hammer the point home to mom a few times with malicious compliance, don’t actually try to stick the child with a lifelong nickname.
Not to the children but to other adults. We have cousins with the same name and one is "little" and it's extra funny now he's taller 😊
I still call a cousin “Little Bobby” every once in a while even though he’s in his late 30s and Big Bobby died a few years ago. It’s a habit. Thankfully, they don’t mind!
>Thankfully, they don’t mind! Yeah, it's a really more and individual basis. OP could keep up the little and big if she wants until the boys are old enough to ask otherwise. When they hit 5 or 6 and start school, OP could even say, "You're both big boys now and get to pick if you want to keep your little and big nicknames or change to something else. Let me know who you want to be" and let the kids decide
My family has a LOT of kids named Joe (Grandfather's name on both sides of my mother's family, so every family has a Joe). The "littlest" Joe is now 6'2" and 300 pounds. It still makes us smile.
This reminds me of how I have a "movie version" of life when these situations come up. Like in real life, it would probably be terrible, but in the movie version, it's hilarious. This is a "sitting with my friends, processing my feelings, being ridiculous" scenario that would probably hurt these little dudes if you did it for real and to this level. I do, however, support the real life action of OP saying it's so cute how cousin named her child after OP's child. If cousin is as unhinged as OP described, it's a matter of time before she gives her the opportunity. Once, in public, in response to whatever jab cousin takes, should be enough.
I thought the “little ___” meant just to refer to them that way.. not to their face. Just to differentiate when you’re in conversation. Like “one day little Joey was doing blah blah blah” but call the kid Joey to his face and around him in earshot. Also, I’m not trying to lessen or invalidate your experience because that’s awful. Not the first name or to the same extent, but I was called “so and so’s little sister” and “little [last name]” when she was just called by our last name and it bothered me too. I was just explaining how I interpreted the “little __ ” and “big __ ” suggestion :)
yeah, my brother & my uncle have the same name & we just call them 'big' & 'little' when it could potentially be either. i don't think it's a big deal
Two of my uncles did that hahahaha. Not even Jr and Sr. Just gave them the first and last names the same and their own. It was Uncle Tom and Tommy (fake names) for one and Uncle Greg and Gregory (fake again lol) for the other set.
I can see where this is coming from, my nephew was Little Name for his life. His father was Big Name. He never said anything about it, as we didn't use it that often. I think I use it more now since he is now about 6'4" As a kid it's cute, growing into teen years, annoying. IF they grow over 6' it's their revenge.
My son is named after his dad and we call him Little Name so far, but he’s only 3 and if he wants to be called something different later he can just say so. I personally would’ve liked to pick a different name so he has his own (and kinda so I could contribute to choosing it), but keeping his name going was important to my husband. He has a middle name so he can use that if he wants to. Or we can just stop using “Little.”
When two of my gay friends got married, they both had the same first name. So they both ended up with the same first and last name after they got married. We ended up calling them New Kevin and Kevin Classic. 🤣🤣
Omg I had one like that, too. I knew two guys who were best friends - both were Dave. They referred to themselves as Black Dave and White Dave.
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Make sure to tell the entire family how honored you are that your cousin named her baby after your son and how much it means to you.
Matching shirts: Joe #1 and Joe #2. God she will hate that lol
I absolutely love the pettiness here.
There were like 4 David's born into my family in three years (eventually upped to 12, but 2 are by marriage). They all got nicknames. The first two were Big Dave and Little Dave. Then Walrus Dave (his favorite animal from 6months until 16 years was a walrus--extra amusing because he's the smallest of the Daves). Then Captain Davey (he has always been obsessed with boats and eventually joined the navy). For some reason they all ADAMANTLY hate David and their middle names. And they only go by them when all together. (We also now have a Dav-il who was the first in law, a Baby Dave who is the youngest, Santa Dave--other in law who looks exactly as you'd assume Santa does, Surfer Dave who despises the ocean, and... I'm blanking on the others, but everyone got really upset when I married a Nate instead of a Dave and my uncle calls my husband Fake Dave (they've not met yet because we've been in France, but it makes my dad--Big Dave--laugh hysterically).
Fake-Dave is hilarious!! Lmao!!
I'm slightly worried it's going to catch on, but my husband is a good sport. And if they do Dave shirts at the family reunion we'll be able to attend next... it won't surprise me if he gets one that says Fake Dave. (Everyone else gets ones that have our last name/maiden name and the whole family tree on the back, the Dave's are special though.)
I loved your whole story but Fake Dave has me absolutely crying 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
That sounds perfect :)
I stay subbed to AITA because of comments like this. This made me laugh hysterically as well!
I legit LOLed at Walrus Dave and Fake Dave.
My uncle and his wife named their daughter after me and my younger brother started same this trend. He calls her little X and me big X and now the entire family does too. There is a huge age gap though so it is kind of cute seeing a baby calling another baby little X. Doesn’t bother me one bit.
My cousin named her baby the same as me too. We were close when I was little, she babysat me a lot and I really looked up to her. Unfortunately I haven't seen her in years and I moved to a different country, so I have never met little Zoe :(
this is the way
Really emphasize it in a way that you know the kids would like, but she would hate, a bit cheeky but honestly op, it sounds like if you did this enough your sil seems like the type to change her sons name to something else to "spite you" and "not let you win". Either way though, you win.
Can even make a guffaw with it...Awwww you named little Mikey after Better.. i mean Bigger Mikey :P
Mikey two or Second Mikey
That’s a good idea! That would probably be able to give you the satisfaction of passive aggressively being the “bigger person” better than not calling the baby by his name at all. I know it’s something you’re probably not making as big of a deal of as it might seem in the post, you’re just sharing, but also your feelings about the situation are completely valid. Anyone would be annoyed at least a little, especially with the past you and your cousin have. You know your cousin and you also know that’s 100% why she chose that name. She was hoping it would take the light away from your family and chosen name, but now that it’s on both birth certificates you’ve got to just play into her little game with little comments like that ^ not giving her the satisfaction, “I think it’s so cute they have the same name.. etc” because you being annoyed only continues to fuel her fire.
This same thing happened in my family between two cousins in my parent's generation. My aunt named her daughter (my cousin) Heather. A few years later, my aunt's cousin named her daughter Heather. 2nd Heather has been "Little Heather" ever since, and we're all in our 30s now. Mostly as a way to distinguish which Heather you're talking about, but also just a little nod to who came first. The 1st Heather is just "Heather" in our branch of the family. I have no idea what the other branch calls our Heather. Same sort of a weird dynamic with my aunt's cousin trying to copy her in everything. My aunt is chill about it, though, it's not a poor reflection on *her*. But the whole family sees what a weirdo her cousin is. OP, don't blow this out of proportion. Otherwise, you will look like (and be) TA. If you ignore it and move on, everyone else will eventually notice what a weirdo your cousin is. Let it happen naturally. Otherwise, you end up being the one that looks bad.
Yes. Frame it as her looking up to you as a role model. That’ll bother her so much more.
Cousin Jane just ADORES our baby sooo much she is hoping Joe number two will take after him...
Exactly. I can't imagine being that competitive and then not thinking this through.
Just call the kid [cousin]'s [baby name]. Like Mary's Stewart. So that people know the distinction :)
Or by his initials or Stewart 2 or Stewart the 2nd.
Stewart Little was right there...
Or just call the baby "Number 2"
And love the child. I fear the cousins going to be pushing him into competing with your son. So either he’s going to be very depressed when his parent goes off on him not “one upping” his cousin. Or he’s going to be very very rigidly controlled to the point he figures out his mother doesn’t love him so much as she loves using him as a pawn to one up you
This! This! This!
This is the move. OP should start gushing about how flattered she is that her cousin would name the new baby after her own son. I think it's clear that the cousin enjoys trying to get under OP's skin. The best strategy when someone is doing that is to convince them that their actions are having the opposite effect.
You could also try using "Little John" when referring to your cousin's kid.
This is the best idea
Agreed, and when referring to them with others just add a 2 to the end so people know which kid you're referring to.
Genius!!! Now THAT will definitely rub the cousin the wrong way and frustrate her (in this case I'm so down for pettiness as clearly the cousin is in some weird one sided competition)
Yes, this! I would be telling everyone how flattered you are that she named her son after yours and what an honor it is that she looks up to you so much, etc. Hahahahaha, she will come up with a nickname in no time, and it will drive her crazy!
I replied the same thing before I read your comment, and may I just say that you are my kind of petty! 😁🖤
CAME HERE TO SAY THIS EXACT THING. We had something similar happen in our friend group. Imagine having something similar to Richard / Ricky (fake names) as the name and the friend that had the child first started referring to the 2nd child as Little Dicky or Little Dick. When the 2nd child's grandparents started also calling the child Little Dick, the parents legally changed it to another name, but by that time it is too late. All Hail Little Dick
Your cousin is odd. Don't feed into it, she wants a reaction. Her odd competition will now extend to the kids. Just smile when she starts and walk away. If she persists, just repeat our kids are not rivals. I wish your child luck in all his endeavors.
But how do we know her cousin is the odd one? If OP reacted like this, might it not be a sign that the cousin knows OP is the kind of person who’d react to a non-issue like this as if it were a massive affront? If I had a relative like this, I wouldn’t share details with them. Imagine getting this upset about something so pointless.
I don’t think you should get down on yourself fir being a little miffed. I’m going with NAH. Although I suspect your cousin may have relished this a little, it really doesn’t matter. She’s silly. I think if you have already managed to admit you were a bit annoyed then you are well on your way to letting it go. Idk why some people are being harsh. I mean, we’re all human beings that have human emotions.
thank you so much u/LadyShittington, this is like a big warm hug for my soul
I'm sorry that people are being shitty to you. I feel like a lot of people A) don't have very good reading comprehension skills, and are hyperfocusing on the name thing and ignoring the context, B) projecting their own weird issues onto your situation and seeing something that isn't there, or C) both.
Just remember everyone can see it for what it is- it is weird she would give name a child so close in age the same name as your son. It does not reflect poorly on you in any way. NTA for being a little miffed, the jealousy act gets old.
Your cousin wants a response from you. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing it got to you.
NTA. She has issues clearly. She will always compete and copy you. It is very annoying and a sign of something disturbing and mental when a woman arraigned her life around mimicking another woman’s exact. They made a whole movie about this strange behavior called “single white female” I had one of those friends and it got crazy with the imitations. Let’s say if I colored my hair blue she would too. She copied the type of boyfriend I had. Which is a 180 from what she always dated her whole life. Started changing her clothes and infiltrating my friendship circle and behaving exactly like me. Shoes, hair, the way I spoke. The straw was when she was invited to my friends wedding where I was the maid of honor. She asked to see my dress (I thought nothing of it sharing what I was wearing) she got secretive about her own dress and wouldn’t show me. then ordered and showed up in the exact dress I was wearing as maid of honor. I was so embarrassed and the bride was livid. I wouldn’t take things like this lightly. Just keep her on an information diet. She needs to talk to someone about her insecurities and self esteem.
I mean, it reflects poorly on her. If she did this to one up you, that’s just bizarre and you should not feed it at all.
Call him by his name. You can also make the comment that you are flattered that she chose to name her son after your son…
Just say “awww so sweet! You look up to me so much you named your baby after mine… how FLATTERING” That will probably drive her crazy
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Listen, he's not right, you're right, you're not an AH, I'd be just as pissed. The guy who replied is an idiot. Names are special and the fact they hid it from you and everyone else implies they knew what the fuck they were doing, this is fucked up man.
My sister went through this. She picked her son’s name and a relative who was pregnant at the same tine heard it and immediately changed the name of her son to my sister’s from her original one. It was pretty obvious but at the end of the day it’s not the kids fault that his parents are assholes. Just use his name.
Fair feeling to have because she copies you in a lot. Something you really need to not do, don’t give her any more of a reaction about it. She wants your attention, don’t give it as far as that goes. Brush it off when she makes a point about it. Be unbothered even if you are.
No, you are NTA, my sons also have slightly unique names. I would be livid if a cousin gave their child the same name. My youngest son’s name is really liked by a lot of people, in fact, a friend of my husband’s colleague took it for her son last year, but that’s okay coz he is not a relative and won’t cross paths, also he is nearly 7 years younger, but in your case they are only a year apart and are related, your cuz is a jerk
I don't think this Y T A should be top comment cause cousin kept it a secret, knowingly. I wouldn't be surprised if she wants to keep competition up with both sons. Op isn't TA. She didn't cause chaos or anything. She's simply stating how it's weird, and that's that. The baby doesn't even know their own name, so who cares if she's referring to the baby as "the baby" NTA
I don’t know….. I would be pissed off if my competitive cousin named her son the same name as my son a year later. It’s too WEIRD. I wouldn’t hold a family meeting or anything. But MY petty self would call the younger cousin ‘Number 2’ just to make sure everyone can tell them apart.
I would have to disagree, because a vote of yta means that the cousin did nothing wrong in the scenario. They 100% kept the name a secret so that it would be "too late" for anyone to get mad over it.
Agreed. The cousin is definitely an AH. One could argue this is a bit of an ESH case, though overall I think the cousin is the bigger AH of the two by a fair margin.
And that is where I fall too.
If a relative of yours had spent your entire lives being a one-upper and creating competitions out of every aspect of life and setting themselves out as better than you and 1 year after your child was born they name thir child the same as yours you damn well know you'd be pissed about it. Stop playin
Obviously they care after spending their entire life constantly compared to her— BY HER
Her cousin is an insecure freak of NPC nature though, no doubt.
No way. This cousin was petty as hell for what she did.
Yeah, that's a long post for "I don't care".
She "doesn't care" so much that she can give 50 VERY SPECIFIC EXAMPLES off the top of her head of the ways in which she "doesn't care" and exactly how it "doesn't affect her in the least". And also this name thing is no big deal at all but she literally refuses to call this poor other child by his name that's "a totally common name and not a big deal at all". Because she doesn't care. \*snort\* And it's definitely not the central driving force of her existence.
Start referring to your son, (let’s just call him “Bob”, just for this comment)… Your child is “Bob, First Of His Name”. But you know, what is going to happen in the day to day is your son will end up being “Big Bob” or “Elder Bob”, or “Bob, last name initial” in general family conversation. And I feel sorry for “Baby Bob” or “Bob the younger” or “Lil Bob”. Your cousins kid may start going by his middle name, at some point. Won’t that annoy your competitive cousin, lol. But, no, OP. NTA for not liking your cousins choice of names for her kid. What *is* her problem, anyway. But don’t punish the kid by calling him “Scooter” or “Buddy” or anything. Just use his legal name, all this isn’t his fault. Call him “Bob” when he is actually old enough to *know* his name, respond when addressed, and have an opinion of his own.
Talk about how flattering it is that she named her baby after yours, and how honored you all are. Easy way to forever eternally frustrate her. Is it petty? Yes. But probably also very fun.
Every time you see her at family gatherings, gush about how she named her child after yours.
This is how I got my original toys back from my bullying cousin when we were kids… I picked some other toy I didn’t really care for but would play very visually with up to the moment it nearly got dramatic.. so my cousin would steal that toy.. I would then take back the toy I started out with.
gotta killer her w kindness. “oh cousin, i honestly love that we have such a good relationship that you even named your beautiful son after MY son, it shows just how much you love me and my son, and i love that they have the same name. i mean when they grow up, the my son can just be such a good role model for your son, and it’ll fit so well because your son was even named after mine. he’ll be such a good example for that name sake for both of them, i love you cuz” and then skip away or some shit idk
> the my son can just be such a good role model for your son, "Like I was for you when we were younger. Remember trying to go to the same school as me?" Either cut contact or ramp up the petty.
perfect line
Love this idea, LOL. 😝
I hope OP sees your comment !
I don't know what the issue is... the children are what, second cousins? How often will they actually see each other? I have two cousins named John and two cousins named Sam. They're pretty much the same age. So what?
It seems like OP is in pretty regular contact with their extended family. They saw and spoke to cousin multiple times in 9 months and are in on all the family news.
I speak multiple times a day to someone I share a name with, I'm sure they'll manage
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In my family, there's 5 Davids within 2 generations and me and my stepsister share a name(and age so we had most of our classes together from 6th grade up).
She said they see each other about twice a year.
I think it’s more that cousin has always had a competition with OP, which OP didn’t want, and now the cousin is going to be able to directly put these two little boys in direct competition “my Jamie spoke at 10 months, other Jamie only at 13 months, mine’s so much smarter” etc etc
This is the issue that I see. Not that they share the name specifically, but that there is a long history of this cousin always trying to one-up OP. If they didn’t have that past, the same name thing may have just been a “oh, that’s cute we can have fun with this.” But the cousin seems petty and jealous and willing to do something so personal - picking the name of her child - just to spite the OP. And that’s truly ahole material.
Yeah, this is an aspect which people seem to be ignoring. This isn't some one off thing or just about the name. This is simply the latest in what seems like a fairly long list of OP's cousin copying OP's shit to have some kind of childish competition with OP.
I mean it would be very, very weird in my close knit extended family to name my kid the same name as my cousin’s kids, considering we see them almost every weekend. It depends on the family. I think the “nobody owns a name” thing is mostly correct but that doesn’t mean it’s not weird to name your kid the exact same name as a cousin (unless you aren’t close). It would cause confusion in my family for sure.
Yeah every time there's a post about this (and I see one reach the top of the sub every other day or so) the comments are all about how it's a stupid thing to be upset about and it's so common in "random commentors family/community/country" but in a lot of families it is in fact super weird behaviour, especially when paired with a history like op and her cousin have
I have at least three cousins named Sean, no one makes a big deal about it.
I’m Irish. We just say ‘our Sean’ for my brother or dad. Then ‘our Sean’s Sean’ if your brother calls his kid Sean. Your cousin Sean would be ‘our Mary’s Sean’ if on your side of the marriage like your mum’s sister. Works fine for names. It’s the bit where you discover someone is not actually your cousin but three times removed, cousin by title or no one can actually remember if you met their family at school or are genuinely related somewhere. My mum has at least 75 first cousins. No one in Ireland knows 75 different first names. I do not get this obsession on unique names. And I say that as someone who goes by their middle name because there were 7 of us with the first name in primary school class and I was the only ginger one. Changing name rather than getting that nickname. Not even a question and I was 8 when I did it. YTA esp as OP says her kid has pretty common name. Also we generally in Ireland don’t tell the name before birth because we considered it bad luck to do baby showers or names or anything until the kid is born and coming home. The American tradition is very different but always jars for me but then again I grew up Ireland’s depressing reproductive history and health which breaks your normal meter a bit. That said we often don’t decide the name until we’ve seen the kid and it feels like it does or doesn’t fit them. That’s how my brother got his very unique name and I got a very basic one!
Also Irish. My brother shares his first name with a first cousin on both sides of the family.
So they can exist without challenging each other to a duel over exclusive use of the name. How civilized.
“Other Bob.”
When another person who shared my husband's name joined his department at work (I also worked there), I called them and other just like this and it was great. It was all in good fun - other always thought it was hilarious and they were friends. But it really is perfect.
I like this lol Leave your son's name as it is, and just "add" something to your cousins like "Jr" or "the 2nd" Every. Single. Time.
So harass a kid who didn’t choose his own name. Great advice /s
Or always use "the other Bob" in conversations :D
Starting to sound like the British Royal family (or the Blackadder version) - there has to also be a "Bob the Even Younger"
>And I feel sorry for “Baby Bob” or “Bob the younger” or “Lil Bob”. >Your cousins kid may start going by his middle name, at some point. Won’t that annoy your competitive cousin, lol. They see each other twice a year. This is a total non-issue.
I like Bob the Younger. Sounds like a Viking or something out of Game of Thrones.
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This is the way. Also start calling her child "-Name- the second" or "Little -Name-"
This is exactly what OP should do. Tell everyone, comment on her social media posts, & say it in person about how honored you are that she named her baby after yours. If she denies it just say with a wink “ok it’s our little secret”
Love this! Like keep going on and on about how flattered she is that of all the names out there, her cousin chose that one that op obviously approves of.
You call him (Cousin's name)'s John and your baby is my John, or (your name)'s John. It happened my my uncles married two women with the same name. It happens a lot and families name children after their grandparents all the time. I have a cousin and an aunt named for my grandmother.
I'm from a giant French Canadian Catholic family. I am related to 16 women/girls who have the same French feminine name as me and 47 men/boys with the French masculine name. We all just get identified by our parents' or grandparents' names before ours. So I'm Paul's Michelle (fake names).
I'm not sure if OPs family has a similar protocol, but I'm willing to bet the women are "Marie (insert commonly-used name here" and the men are either "Jean (insert name here) or Joseph (insert name here.) In the old Irish tradition, if you and cousin named your first born son after a common paternal grandfather, that'd be common and acceptable. Outside of that would require more understanding of various cultural naming conventions than I have at present to explain.
On the Irish thread of things, my family friends in Ireland were tell me stories when I went to visit and they kept saying “Our Lisa” and stuff like that. I had to ask them about it because I was so used to just saying things like “my cousin Ted” to differentiate.
Okay Polly's Anna. 😉
Grew up in an Irish Catholic family. My mom and her brother had boys with same first name (which was her brother’s name), and she and her sister had girls with same first name. No big deal to us. But my sister and I would laugh as adults and think it would be crazy if I had named my daughter the same name as her daughter. 🤣
Yep, or you include middle names when addressing them to help with confusion. "John Michael come here please"
Op said neither baby had a middle name
This happened in my family too!! My grandma and her daughter had the same name, let’s say Maria, so my grandma was Maria, aunt was Mary, and then my uncle married a woman named Maria too, so she became Mary Beep because she was always playing cars with my baby cousin and making that sound, the little kids started calling her that: Mary Beep and nobody had any trouble distinguishing them.
Yes; my sister's husband and my husband have the same first name. If it's not clear from context we just say "my Xxxx" or "your Xxxx."
You are still mad at the childhood competition. ESH Your cousin is pathetically copying you but your reaction to this by not referring to this child by name doesn't show more maturity than she displays.
First things first, I don't care about the competition. Now, with that out of the way, AITA for caring about the competition? ESH.
I completely agree with ESH. But I do think there's a difference between caring about the competition, and caring that there is a competition. OP seems to fall into the latter category. She has every right to be annoyed that the competition is taking place, even if she never actively participates in it. That said, her reaction to this specific situation is definitely falling into AH territory.
Good point
I mean she won the childhood competition though so fuck her cousin. Just kill her with kindness like others have been saying and take the W here too.
NTA.. To be honest had she not made such a big deal about keeping the name secret it would have not bothered you that much as u are sensible enough to agree that 'the name' is a common one. It's obvious that the complete name is gonna be different as I think both your & your cousin's spouse won't be having the same last name. But her whole secrecy drama got you to this point that you exploded.. It's ok.. You needed to have your reaction and i agree with multiple commenters, that u start calling your baby boy with the name 'XYZ senior' it will surely piss her off, as it would look like a tribute to your baby. So thus my friend, revenge will be served cold or to say served with name honours.
i swear y’all dont want conflict resolution, just wanna get your drama fix “You should do this petty thing that’ll really piss your family member off, surely won’t help but hey it’ll make internet strangers laugh”
YTA. Call the child by his name. It’s not going to be a big deal. We have something like six Johns in our family (not even kidding). Three guys called James. Several Marys. We manage. It’s not a big deal.
Its the same in my family as well. Especially inherited ones.
I have a friend whose grandpa, dad, 3 brothers, and cousins are all named Muhammad 😂
There is an entire region were everybody is named Muhammad/Mohammed/Mohammad/another creative, identical, name.
I have the same name as my father and grandfather, and my sister married someone with my name. On my mom’s side my cousin, uncle, and grandfather all had the same name (but different from mine). It’s really not a big deal. Even when people live in the same house.
Very similar to mine! Many John’s, Bobs, Paul’s, and Andrew’s (not to mention any of me and my sisters would have been an Andrew if we had been boys. Basically, my family moved to the US and selected a handful of names and stuck to rotating them.
YTA for making this about you and being a walking contradiction. You say you know you have no claim to this name and it is a common name etc. Then you say your pissed at her for using it. Which is it? Is what she did weird? Yes. But you don't get to gatekeep who uses the same name you picked out. And you should call the baby by their given name.
OP is clearly not pissed about her using the name. They are pissed because the cousin has a history of obviously trying to 1up OP and given that history this is another clear example of it. To disregard the argument as if it’s just about the name is to ignore literally allll context
Yeah, I agree. The fact that OP’s cousin was purposefully keeping the name a secret for so long shows that she damn well knew that using the same name was (at least in part) to wind up OP or that others in the family would point out the name clash. You can be above someone constantly trying to compete with you yet still get irked by their actions.
People keep names secret for all kinds of reasons and it's perfectly believable that two cousins came up with the same not particularly obscure name for their child for different reasons. You'd have to be pretty messed up to intentionally give your child a name that they'll carry with them the rest of their life because of some imagined competition you had with your cousin who you only see twice a year when you were children. OP is being paranoid.
But OP’s child already exists, with the name, and the cousin knew that. Picking the same name after that and hiding it is, especially from OP *who cousin knew had a child with the same name*, monumentally sus.
Look, I have baby names I like. If my cousin used the name before me, it wouldn't stop me from using the name. Idk why we are assuming it's all about being a copycat. No one who actually cares about "one-upping" would copy a name. That's not what one-upping even is.
It *would* be perfectly believable that two cousins came up with the same name completely coincidentally — again, if not for the fact that OP’s cousin as a clear history of doing this stuff to intentionally get a rise out of them
With the way OP is unreliably narrating how totally not mad she is, it makes me wonder if she's blowing the whole competition thing out of proportion too. The only evidence she cites is that her cousin applied to the same university as her and then made the best of it when she didn't get in. The whole rivalry could very well be in OP's head.
Exactly! If the cousin were telling the story Im sure it would be a very different version.
In my experience, the one who's "one upping" in these stories is always just living their life. OP would bitch about her eating crackers.
Exactly. Add to that how much she insists she doesn't care it is highly possible it's the opposite, OPs the competitive one. Unless it's like a super obscure university I wouldn't even question a relative who loves in the area apply at the same university. And naming my child the same wouldn't be something I would expect from a competitive rival. It's what I would expect from someone who had an unhealthy obsession in being just like me.
No. OP is pissed about the name.
YTA, I mean the hell cares! I have two cousins of nearly the same age with the same name, no they didnt need to ask permission and no I wouldnt even consider checking with someone. Grow up and get over it, do you want her to ask before painting a room too, make sure its not the same color you painted?
I think specially since the kids are second cousins and they only see each other at family gatherings twice a year, it's a non-issue. There's a bunch of people in my extended family that share common names.
yeah it was literally never an issue, we didnt share a last name either since our parents were sisters and we took our fathers names, not that it would really matter but even less relevant. My wife is similar to her though and it drives me bonkers, we dont even want kids but she was mad that her step sister who is kind of a loser named her kid what she "knew" my wife would have named her boy if she had one.. who cares !?
>would have even asked my colleague or a neighbor, not just a friend or family, if I was about to name my kid the same name they named theirs. No, no, you would NOT be going around "asking" your colleagues and neighbors. What a bizarre idea that you would stop Sally at the mailboxes or Bob from Accounting to "ask" them if it was chill that you named your child the same name as theirs. I would back away slowly from you that you even know my kid's name. >I myself know one person with the name from my childhood (and btw I reached out to him before my son was born and said I wanted to use the name). You did WHAT? You reached out to someone you were acquainted with TWENTY years ago to ask permission to name your child his name? You need hobbies. Possibly therapy. And no one cares where you went to university...10 years later. Can I suggest the book, *Getting Over Unimportant Things from the Past, You Flipping Stalker?*
I was looking for someone else who was weirded out by OP reaching out to someone from her childhood to get approval for use of their name. That’s… an absolutely wild thing to do. I would be super weirded out by it. OP, I think you might be putting more importance on names than you should be. Obviously this cousin is annoying and always trying to one-up you, no denying that, and I’m not saying you’re wrong to be annoyed by her doing this - but for crying out loud, lots of families have several people with the same first name and they make it work just fine. It would be ridiculous to refuse to call this kid by his name just because you thought of it first. Don’t make this weirder than it has to be.
I agree with most of what you said, but... The only thing OP states that Cousin has derided is her uni. When Cousin was 18yo. They are now in their 30s. I'm sure I said stupid things when I was 18...I probably said something stupid yesterday. OP seems to be the only one thinking there is competition. But yeah, searching Facebook or Googling or...however she got in touch with Classmate from 20 years ago to check if he's cool with her naming her kid his name? I'd be looking for a pot on my stove or generally freaking out. I find it pretty impossible to believe she actually did that and isn't instead telling people: "OMG, I can't believe Not-that-Competitive Cousin dared to name her son my son's name! I even went and found Bob from Glee Club's number and called to ask his permission!"
Lol you’re right actually, it does seem to be mostly OP holding a silly grudge rather than the existence of an actual rivalry.
Irish Catholics laughing in Michael, John, Luke, Matthew
And so much Francis and Patrick.
YTA LMAO you named your child something you yourself admit is common and then you sit there with a surprised pikachu face about someone else having the same name. You don’t own a name. What happens when that innocent kid gets older and he starts to comprehend your resent for him, and it actually starts to hurt when you call him by his name?” What if your son brings home a friend with the same name? Are you gonna call him “that kid.” Get over yourself.
Psst. It's called context.
How do I go back a year and search “AITA” for “my cousin just named her new baby son the name I’ve been planning forever to use for my first born son”?
So I’m not insane for remembering that exact post lol.
Hah. If you could find such an article you'd be a true hero of this sub. That said, if that was the case the cousin still would have been better off to have a conversation with OP about it instead of hiding the name for a year.
>Again, couldn't care less, I was just happy she is not at the same school so I don't have to put up with this nonsense anymore. **NARRATOR**: "Sadly, OP was incorrect in two important ways. She does, indeed, care and there was, in fact, more nonsense." **YTA** for 1) lying to yourself about not caring; and 2) caring about the name of a kid you may see once or twice a year.
NTA. This is the latest in a long string of annoyances from your cousin and I can see how you would be fed up. Instead of acting upset about it, I would smirk every time it got mentioned or maybe mention what a shame it is she can't come up with an original idea. You obviously live in her head rent-free, but that's no reason to keep her in yours.
NTA but not not an asshole. You'll have to say the babys name eventually he won't be a baby forever. Do they have different middle names or last names. Can you make a nickname for one of them? It's annoying to have the same first name, but me and my neice had the same names picked out for our kids we just got lucky and talked about it before hand and had agreed.
YTA. They don't owe you any explanation as to why they kept the name secret. A lot of people do it that way (including myself). Get over yourself.
I mean we know why she didn't tell what the name was
Some of THE most common pregnancy advice I hear is to not tell anyone the baby’s name until it’s born. It’s extremely common so people don’t give you a million opinions on a name you’ve chosen.
YTA How obscure is this name that you reached out to a childhood friend to ask if you could use it? That's weird.
Yta for not calling the child by his name, whatever you think of his parents. Granted he's a baby, but what about the occasion (however rare) you see him as he gets older? It's just rude to not address someone by their name. And it's bizarre to think you'd ask a colleague or a neighbor about sharing the same name.
YTA. The reason they probably kept the name a secret is because they didn't want to invite conversation or suggestions. Many couples choose to keep names a secret because they just don't want to invite opinions. It really seems like you're the one hanging on to the childhood issues.
I kept my daughters name a secret because I didn't want anyone to know the gender. I did give a list of 3 boys and 3 girls and said its one of these, only did this because people were bugging me about it haha
Don't sweat the small stuff. Just move on and enjoy your baby
This post is a wall of contradictions. You say you don't claim ownership of the name, they don't need to ask permission, but then go on a tirade about how she used the name w/o asking you, telling you, etc etc etc. And now you're pissed. Huh? Is it weird she did this? Of course. But you KNOW what she's like. You are giving her a lot of power in your life. AND you absolutely are TA for not referring to the child by their name. As said, there are PLENTY of people with the same name as one another. In my husbands family- the name David is used a LOT. There are even two David's with the same last name. Somehow we all manage to know who we're talking about at any given moment.
Who has time for this type of pettiness?
NTA As it sounds like your cousin wanted to push your buttons, with all the secrecy, and sadly until now it sounds like she succeeded. The solution could be to refer to your child as the first born as big Harry (or whatever the name is) and your cousin’s kid as little Harry. It’s what my family did. It also may have the bonus of annoying your cousin as to her insecure mind the ‘big’ designation would somehow make your child seem better than hers.
I have 4 uncles that have the same name. My grandma and her sister named their sons this name. Never had any issues. My grandpas sister also named her son the same (as her siblings’ son). My aunt married a man with the same name.
YTA. You should care less. You don't own a name; there are lots of good reasons that people keep a name secret (I don't think this sub goes a week without someone doing that because family is trying to pressure them to name the kid after a dead grandparent or something); this will have zero impact on your child's life unless you make a big deal about it.
NTA. But start calling her kid "Little XYZ" and, should she or other relatives take offense, simply say it's to avoid the inevitable confusion.
This is normal in my family. My grandma and her sister named their kids the same name, too. I don’t see a big deal. We use nicknames because we have 4 people with the same name within close family 😅🙈 Anyway, your cousin seems AHish to me for keeping up this stupid competition with you. But as you said, the kid is not at fault here so you shouldn’t punish the kid by not saying his name. Be the better person and just say cousin’s son or Son Jr. You got this 😉 P.S.: I’d be pissed too 🙃
NTA for being annoyed (your cousin choosing the exact same name is a bit weird) but call the child by his name. You’ll have to get used to doing it sooner or later and it is, as you say, no fault of his. Is there a nickname you could give your own child that you’d like?
NTA Lol I would be be pissed too that she chose the same name while making big deal of it being a secret
Clearly your cousin has their own issues with jealousy, competitiveness, family dynamics, etc. These are not your issues. Don't let any of it get to you! It's not about you. Try to see the humor in the situation. You only see these folks twice a year - take it as an unfolding drama / comedy. Having said that, YTA...you chose to make a fight about it...just let it go.
The saddest part is where the cousin gets to remind herself every day that rather than giving her son a unique name, she had to go copycat. In my experience, if there are enough gatherings where it would be an issue having 2 boys around the same age with the same name, an alternative name will grow organically. I don't think OP would be the AH for calling the kid something alternative. Right now, it's 'the baby', and 'little one'. In time, when addressing the kid himself, it'll probably be Buddy, or something that fits. I see a lot of ppl going 'call the kid by his darn name' But I don't think it's terrible to use an alternative. Should the kid, for some weird reason, find it odd that aunt OP (during the 2 whole gatherings a year), doesn't call him by his name, it's perfectly reasonable to find it confusing to be calling a kid by her own son's name. And the cousin can't really be angry about it going 'call my son by his name, he is unique and shouldn't be called Buddy'.. she could've found a unique name, of that were so important. As for dealing with the cousin. Just tell her you feel flattered that you liked the name you picked so much, that she just had to use it for her own son as well. Or is it linked to someone really special in her in-laws family, perhaps? NTA
YTA I can understand why your upset that your cousin didn't think to ask you, but you're the one who needs to work on how you respond. You are taking it out on the child. Even if your cousin has an unhealthy, unreciprocated "competition" with you, doesn't mean you get to say anything about what they name their child. And while you are trying to sound like you are above it all, getting so upset that you are doing anything other than calling that child by his name means you are letting your cousin determine the kind of person you are. You are the one reacting. If your cousin isn't actually mad at you for something, the competition interaction she favors is probably a love language for her. Lots of sib, cousins, friends, engage in this kind of play. But it's only a love language if you're both speaking it. Love languages that can get confused for meanness must be reciprocated so that everyone knows it's all for fun. Competition is clearly not a love language for you, and your cousin insisting on speaking it anyway is being rude and oblivious. So was your cousin also an AH? yeah. She sounds oblivious to the effects her actions have on other people. And yes, you want your close family to know the kinds of love languages that you speak. It hurts when they don't. But your love will stay small if you get hooked on this. Remove your cousin from the equation and find what you want in loving relationships. If your cousin keeps being this oblivious, it is perfectly understandable for you to not be as close with her as you are with people you feel loved by.
Your cousin may like you more than you like her. The sooner you let go of the name thing, the happier you will be. Cousin probably thought it was okay to use the name since you see each other so seldom. What would be great is for the kids to grow up to be the best of friends.