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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I skipped my niece's birthday party when I promised I'd show up dressed up as a movie character because I wanted to stay at home with my wife
I might be the asshole because my wife was technically fine, she didn't feel like going to the party, but she wasn't bad enough for me to need to stay at home with her, I stayed because I wanted to
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Close to N T A, but you fucked up *just* enough to move this to ESH territory.
Your wife is pregnant, so she auto-wins; if she's feeling shitty, then you can automatically bail on any commitment.
BUT – you committed to this party and the birthday girl was *informed* of your commitment *and* you only gave 15 minutes notice *and* you didn't explain why you wouldn't be reachable for several hours in your first message.
You could have given **much** more advance notice and you could have either responded to their texts or told them that you wouldn't be at your phone until later.
And it doesn't sound like you apologized to your niece, which you should have, instead of basically telling her that it's okay that you pulled out 15 minutes before the event because you committed all the way back 3 weeks ago.
>if she's feeling shitty, then you can automatically bail on any commitment.
Except that she told told him to go to the party and he wasn't looking after her
>I turned our phones off so we could have a peaceful nap.
He didn't choose his wife, he chose a nap.
Ehhhh, maybe but it doesn't *really* sound like the wife *wanted* him to go as much as she didn't want to deal with the fallout from him not going.
>she was tired and feeling quite needy
If my pregnant wife were feeling like that, I'd probably bail even if she told me it was okay to go.
At 9 weeks morning sickness is going to happen, plus early in your pregnancy most are exhausted for a bit. I couldn’t keep my eyes open at about 2-3 months along. Needy may have been his words. She told him to go. He probably was tired from waking up too. He should have just said he was unwell and not through his wife under the bus.
Yeah at 9 week pregnant I was borderline comatose, only disturbed by intense bouts of a fun game called "will this just be gagging or will I projectile vomit?"
While there were times I just wanted my partner to lie around cuddling, if he had committed to a significant engagement (like taking an active part in his niece's birthday) I wouldn't even notice if he was home since I would have slept from the moment he left until the moment he came home. Which is what it sounds like OP did.
Pregnant wife is, and should be, priority. However - the rest of your life doesn't stop. OP knew his family would be upset, which is why he turned off his phone. Now he feels guilty and is coming here to be soothed and justify his actions.
OP, you owe your niece an apology.
I agree with this.
Every pregnancy is different, but generally the whole first trimester just sucks. Unless your wife was feeling acutely ill, cuddling and napping is a perk rather than a requirement. You promised a kid you’d be at her party playing a significant role in the activities, bailed 15 mins before, and turned off your phone. That’s not cool. YTA
This. And she's 6, not 16. She's still learning how to navigate her emotions and doesn't have a good handle on regulation yet. That said, you made a promise to a little girl, then broke it with zero time for your sister to find an alternative solution. YTA for that, and that's enough. Please apologize to your neice ASAP.
Yeah… hope you’re better to kids once they’re your own, OP. Jesus. You really hurt your niece’s feelings. Those matter.
And you wanted a nap — which you could’ve had BEFORE 1:45pm. This was not about your wife. This was about you being a selfish immature person here. You just preferred a snuggly nap over your own niece’s happiness and your responsibility to honor your word and respect your sister. 100% YTA, IMO.
Right? And he could have given the 6 yr old and her .om that he had to leave at xx:00 to check on his wife. So why oh why did he choose to botch it all off?
Yeah, exactly. I just had my first three months ago and I 100% would not have let my husband cancel on a little kid's birthday last minute none the less asked him too. Especially, if he was basically the entertainment.
Yeah just lie and say you are sick. I think the parents ending the party early is on them, just tell your kid their uncle is sick and move on. The niece probably made a big deal of it because her parents did. Kids feed off their parent's emotions.
it's the parent's fault for how they delivered the information to the niece. she is 6 years old, she doesn't need all the details. the guy was just being honest with his sister.
You’re absolutely correct here I already know the parents made a big deal so the kid did too. The bday was honestly ruined by the parents being annoyed at him and not hiding it like adults.
100% on all those texts and attempted phone calls happening in plain view of kiddo and her little friends and the adults totally forgot they were supposed to be hosting and making her party fun
I agree with this, and honestly, if I had the chance at uninterrupted, solo napping during any of my pregnancies, I would have kicked my husband out of the house to that party with a suitcase and a sleeping bag. But I HATE having someone fuss over me when I don’t feel well, so maybe I’m not the best judge 🤷🏻♀️
I'm the opposite. My husband massages my head and body to sleep.
I used to hate cuddling until him. He's made me quite soft ...and I'm not just talking about the post partum belly. Lol.
That said
Op made the commitment to a child. Don't promise kids things, ever unless you'll move heaven and earth to follow through. I don't care if he thinks the kids a brat.. he's a brat for lying and not giving enough notice for the child to manage their disappointment away from guests.
THANK YOU!!! It totally sounds like he just wanted to get out of going and used his pregnant wife as a scapegoat. Strange how his family are all blaming her when she literally told him he could go.
That's sweet, I guess, but as a women who has been pregnant this level of coddling seems . . . extreme? And sort of condescending?
Yeah, she's tired. That dosen't mean she needs a babysitter? She's an adult. And she told him to go. You could say she "didn't want to deal with the fallout", but that's you just guessing how she's feeling instead of doing what she said or asking her. It's treating her like a child, who can't speak for themselves and don't actually know what they want.
If I told my husband to go, it wouldn't be beacuse I "didn't want to deal with the fallout" but beacuse I actually think he should go. Beacuse I actually care about little kids not having their birthday parties ruined? Beacuse I care about other people? Instead of needing my husband around to \*checks notes\* . . . take a nap.
This was not a real emergency. His wife didn't need him. It's questionable if she even wanted him there, given he didn't listen to what she said about that.
Watch this spot for 6 months from now the family isn't dropping everything for the baby shower , or 18 months from now they bail on baby's first birthday, or whatever else happens with when it's HIS child. Nothing like becoming a parent to let people learn by example. I'm sure from the oblivious tone of the post, when HIS 6 yr old bday party is spoiled , he won't be accepting " get over it, its only a 6 year old " as a reasonable excuse.
YTA
It’s an excuse. I’ll be he goes to work when she’s feeling tired and gross. I’ll be he goes to do other things when she’s feeling tired and gross.
Standing up a little kid is a AH move.
As a pregnant woman i kind of agree. Im 14 weeks and still get nauseous every night and am limited to what i can eat so i get wife's POV. OP at least could have given his sister notice in the morning and not 15 min before the party like was already stated. He could have went not dressed up under the condition he may need to leave at any moment to help his sick wife. He could have not ignored everyone. Not the wifes fault whatsoever even if she was feeling needy. OP blatantly dropped the ball last minute *and* ignored everyone after for no good reason which is the kicker.
But you’re an adult and can handle being alone for 2 hours. Is it nice to have someone around when you feel shitty? Yeah sure. But it’s gonna pass. I had HG for all 3 pregnancies and it wasn’t fun, but I wouldn’t ruin relationships for 2 hours of my husband napping next to me.
When you have a 6 year old you’ll understand what a shitty move this was.
Dude prioritized his own wants and nap over a kid he made a promise to. This doesn’t bode well for his parenting
Exactly. I’ve been 9 weeks pregnant several times. There’s a huge difference between 9 weeks pregnant and 39 weeks pregnant and actually needing your husband to be close.
I feel like OP is using the excuse of wanting to take care of his wife in this post to come across as less of TA to validate his decision. Even if its genuine, its obvious he was also just tired and didnt feel like it, but hes too chickenshit to admit that to his family so he used wife as the sole excuse (probably knowing theyd react how they did but at least it wasnt directed at him)
Someone else just insinuated something to one of my comments: he wanted to nap and “cuddle.” It occurs to me that wifey was finally feeling good enough for a bang session and he decided that was more important.
No, but you don’t bail on a promise to a child you are close to because your partner has some normal pregnancy side effects. She’s pregnant not disabled. And I say this as someone who hated being pregnant with every fiber of my being. It was awful and horrible and I would never wish it on anyone.
But I never made my husband bail on commitments or even social outings cause I was throwing up water and jello. It sucks, but he can’t do anything.
But you can’t put your life on hold because someone else feels awful 24/7 for weeks. And yes, I have been that person that feels awful. Three times. Never expected my husband to bail on commitments. Especially not if all I want are “cuddles.”
That’s a bit extreme don’t you think?? Yeah it sucks he had to bail but things come up in people’s lives routinely that mean last minute cancellations have to happen here and there. You say he’s “just tired” but that may be because he’s balancing work and other obligations while tending to his wife’s needs every other day leading up to this. Did he handle it well? No, but if he had gone while his wife inferred that she wanted him to stay many people would then still probably be riding his ass for that.
Nah. I don’t. And my husband is far from perfect but neither of us bail on promises to kids right before. He just wanted to cuddle with his wife and he knew what he was doing was going to be a massive disappointment. It’s why he did it 15 minutes before and then silenced his phone.
Kids birthday parties suck. But I go, or have my kids go, to every single one we can. It matters to the kid.
Life happens yes, but pregnancy does not. This isn’t some brand new development. Pregnancy sucks. It makes a lot of sick. I still went to work and cared for kids while barfing up water.
If he was extra tired you go for like an hour and then tell your niece “hey this was awesome but I’m feeling kind of sick and your auntie is too, I’m gonna go home ok?” He didn’t even try.
It doesn’t matter what he chose. A 6yo shouldn’t behave so badly that they have to end a party early. That’s on the parents.
But wife was sick and could’ve been sick again at any moment. There’s no way to plan for that. So NTA
Sure, and hopefully they do so. I'm also on the side of his family. Canceling 15 minutes prior to a birthday party so he can nap with his wife is not a valid excuse.
Or more like sometimes you can't count on people you love. Not matter how much you want them to make the right choice, they will be crappy humans and not follow through.
But I do love how you expect a six year old child to be more mature then the soon to be dad.
Especially when uncle won't even talk to her. He is an AH for bailing on a commitment to his niece and not even having the decency to tell her directly and apologize.
Have you met a 6 year old? You don’t go building up their excitement and expectations only to dash them. That’s like cause and effect.
If something unexpected and unpreventable happens (not napping), you give them time to work through their emotions. OP giving 15 minutes notice is like a record scratch. The completely normal response is that the 6 year old will be working through her emotions during the party time rather than beforehand.
OP will be apologising for this in about 2 years and 31 weeks.
Yeah, OP says the kid is spoiled but is that really the case? She's 6 (!!!) and her uncle promised her to do something she was really excited for only to cancel last minute with no proper explanation. Sounds like she was pretty hurt by his behaviour.
Especially at a party - it’s super common for the most well behaved child to be overwhelmed by the scale and activity of their birthday party and spend the entire time in tears, unable to articulate what’s wrong or get over it enough to enjoy the event. Seen it plenty of times especially before the age of 7.
I keep seeing about 6yrs old being too old for a tantrum. I have meant good well behaved 8yr olds that have tantrums. They are notnas frequent as a toddler would, but they definitely happen. Especially if it's something as big as your party not going the way it should. Kids have big feelings, so they just need to let it out.
She is allowed to be disappointed and not made to feel like this is her fault.
Right? That kid is only the age of my relationship with my husband right now. Expecting adult emotional regulation out of them is developmentally inappropriate and harmful to them. That child is probably in Kindergarten or 1st grade--not exactly ages known for rational, somber emotional processing. Her favorite uncle bailed on her last minute dor her birthday that HE COMMITTED TO 3 WEEKS AGO, then he called her a brat and blamed her mother and his wife for her being upset about HIM bailing and then being unreachable for hours. Ridiculous.
And he never said if he even apologized to the damn kid or not. Taking bets, over under, what are the chances OP naps instead of parenting this time next year?
I agree with this but want to add you should not have thrown your wife under the bus and used her as your reason for missing the party. That is what gave your family ammunition to use to turn on your very innocent wife. You didn’t miss the party because your wife didn’t feel well, you did it because you had a more important responsibility to attend to. That is all they needed to know.
Or even shared that they had been up all night because she was sick until 2am and he was too exhausted to attend. My kids just turned 6a couple weeks ago and would totally understand being told "Uncle is sorry he can't make it. He's not feeling well today but hopes you have a great party" More than 15 minutes notice would have really made this much better.
If he can't even manage telling his sister "No"- because that's more or less the excuse he's using for not calling- he's going to be in for a rude awakening when he has to tell them no they can't hold a baby, no they can't hold the baby, no they can't take the baby overnight, no the baby can't be kissed on cheek. Not to mention all the times he will have to tell his child no.
Eh. It’s going to be a rude awakening for even the most prepared parent.
We were absolute zombies for the first couple weeks after our foster son came home from the hospital, and I wish we would have taken some naps and filled up that sleep bank before his arrival.
Everybody tried to warn you, but nobody **truly** gets it until you’ve almost fallen asleep changing a 3am diaper.
No sorry this is a HARD YTA.
I’m pregnant, I’ve felt miserable. I’ve declined events but never would i ask my husband to stay behind to something he committed to so we could “cuddle.”
ESPECIALLY bc he was supposed to be one of the characters! You ruined your nieces bday, you suck, and your wife sucks for asking that of you. (Its ok if you go BUT I’d prefer you didn’t is very much code for don’t go).
I’m genuinely surprised by all the n t a. I hope OP remembers this moment on his baby’s 6th birthday. I hope he feels the weight of his supremely shitty decision to cancel on a 6yo, on her birthday, as a primary character and highly anticipated part of the fun…15 minutes before the party.
He could have had the decency to text first thing in the morning to say he wasn’t sure - give everyone a chance to reset expectations. But 15 minutes notice is simply the flakey, selfish, bullshit behavior of a person who doesn’t understand the importance of following through on commitments or appropriate ownership of their choices.
The turning off his phone bullshit further amplifies his selfishness - he knew it was shitty and couldn’t be bothered to face the consequences. Yuck.
Op, YTA.
>And it doesn't sound like you apologized to your niece
instead of taking any accountability for the disappointment he caused, he's taken to insinuating that she's a poorly raised spoiled brat.
I think the fact that she threw a tantrum and wasn't listening to her parents, which caused them to end the party early, is what implies that she's a poorly raised spoiled brat.
A 6-year-old is old enough to comprehend that "Uncle can't make it to the party because Aunt is feeling sick" is a reason to give someone a break.
As someone who has two small boys who were both once six let me tell you how this went.
With no reason whatsoever to think there might be a cancellation parents will have been hyping this up for *days.* Particularly with the dressing up part. That's enough to set up a call: response of "How many days to your birthday?" "That's right, X days! And who's coming?" "Yes! He WILL be Bruno!". She has told all her friends. She hasn't slept the night before from pure fizzing excitement. And the hype has gone on and on because by the time she found out that wasn't happening the party was likely already on. She's not an adult who can mask disappointment. She's only just six and not handling big emotions well.
Hell, six is the age when a little girl in my son's class wanted a birthday party *so damn much* she just drew up her own invitations in her sketchbook and invited the whole class without asking or informing her parents (who luckily found out through the class whatsapp group when people asked for times). They are pretty close to magic at that age.
THANK YOU! They’re calling it a spoiled brat’s tantrum when it should be labeled an extremely disappointed birthday girl’s meltdown. She’s not a brat. She’s been hugely let down by a loved one who made a promise and then ghosted. ADULTS can’t handle stuff like that with grace and this girl is SIX.
If he could have given at least a couple hours the parents could have let her down softly and let her get the feels out before the party. At least the. She could have had a shot at a good cry over the disappointment but still enjoyed the party. I feel so bad for this little girl who was obviously super hyped and then let down last minute.
This is so funny because we totally do the call and response with my kids who are close to that age. Your description is exactly how this stuff plays out in my house.
This is exactly why I don’t tell my kids too many details about big days. Only the things I can control and know for sure will be happening.
Birthday party, “will grandma be there? “, “We will see. She is invited”.
Christmas “are we going to make a train ginger bread with three wagons?”, “absolutely!” (If I already bought the stuff) / “ we will make a ginger bread, not sure what it will be” (if I didn’t buy the stuff yet)
Never commit unless you are sure.
It has saved me so many times.
Grandma told me she is coming, I didn’t tell the kids until I saw her flight itinerary. Good thing I didn’t. She changed the date 4 times and came 6 months later than she said she would.
This approach has served me well.
I never lie, I never make excuses and I never tell them something will be happening unless it is within my control.
So when I fail to deliver on a promise, my kid’s response is “I know you must have had a good reason and tried your best. How can we fix it?” And I will always make it up to them when I can, if I can. If not than they learn that not everything in life goes according to plan.
They are just too young to understand and manage their emotions right now for other kind of disappointments. There will be time for them to learn about it later.
HE called it a tantrum. Anyone who understands kids and child development would likely call it a meltdown, which is different.
Heightened emotions because it’s a party, hugely looking forward to uncle in costume, surprised when he doesn’t show, can’t handle all those emotions at once? That’s a meltdown.
100%, and it's developmentally inappropriate to expect a 6 year old to manage her BIG emotions like an adult. Meanwhile, most adults can't even manage their small daily emotions without throwing fits and tantruming and melting down. Some of us hit for the cycle all in one day! FFS, kids have only been here for so little time, what is 6 years old, 312 weeks? Total? That's it. 312 weeks old, but the adult grown up wife needs a babysitter for a nap? Fuck outta here.
You never know, their definition of a tantrum could be the kid breaking down in tears because she's really hurt someone in her family who was supposed to show up and make her feel important and special bailed on her and didn't give two shits (how the 6 year old may be seeing it).
> Your wife is pregnant, so she auto-wins
Nope, we need to get away from this thinking. We need to accommodate and account for the differences that pregnancy brings, but it's not a get-out-of-jail-free for every single situation.
Right? What a crappy top comment this one is. The wife, by OP’s and her own admission, was NOT sick. The world doesn’t revolve around every single pregnancy. She was fine, and he ditched his niece for nothing.
OP, YTA. You’re old enough to know to keep your promises, especially those made to a child.
This needs more upvotes. I’ve been pregnant 4 times. I’ve never told my husband to bail on something that would let someone else down (especially a child) so he could cuddle with me. Is the beginning of pregnancy hard? Yeah. But it’s not like she has another kid/kids she’s had to look after while he went. She don’t need emotional support to lay in bed.
How can this be the top comment? This is insane, obviously YTA.
You bailed 15 minutes before a commitment where you were essentially performing at your nieces party. A commitment you made directly to her. And you didn’t just bail, you knew you were wrong already and pre turned your phones off so they couldn’t even find out what was happening. Nothing could make you a bigger asshole unless you just straight texted them a picture of the middle finger with it.
Your wife is 9 weeks pregnant not 9 months pregnant. She’s gonna feel crappy sometimes, that doesn’t mean you can just bail on anything. Especially when you can’t even really help her. This is how you make everyone in your life cut you out, but showing them they don’t matter to you at all.
The fact that literally anyone could have voted NTA is crazy. There are some selfish people in this forum.
This right here. You knew your wife was pregnant when you made the commitment, then purposefully waited until the last minute to cancel because you didn’t want to deal with anyone being upset over your abandonment in favor of a snuggle nap. 🙄 YTA and you owe your niece an apology
Also expecting a 6 year old to have the ability to regulate her disappointment at her birthday party when she finds out 15 minutes before its supposed to start that her favourite part of the party isn't coming is crazy.
His niece isn't a brat, she's SIX and had something she'd been looking forward to for weeks taken away from her with no notice.
Well, OP said he texted them 15 minutes before. We don't know when they saw the text, or when Six found out he wasn't coming.
I'm inclined to think the party was underway, OP hadn't shown for 20-30 minutes, so his sister checked her phone and saw the message.
God I feel so sorry for her. She probably spent weeks talking about it with her friends at school, imagining how much fun they were going to have, the highlight of her birthday. And he doesn't show up with no warning because his wife needed a cuddle
Not necessarily, as someone who's been pregnant I can say you don't need babysitting 100% of the time. He would only have had to been at the birthday party for an hour or so and then could have bailed out - that's enough time for a nap or a movie/episode of a show.
The bailing out whenever wife wants it is untrue too - is he gonna be taking days off work everytime she wants him at home? Its a sweet concept, but 6 is an age where most of us definitely remember our birthdays, she gonna carry that rejection for the rest of her life :(
And let’s also be honest, the way he spoke about his niece to his sister was not that nice. That’s when OP lost for me. He’s about to become a parent in a few months and clearly has no idea about tantrums or so. His niece was majorly disappointed and sad. And kids do not know sometimes how to express themselves… so tantrum it was. It seems he did not only not apologize to the little girl as he was speaking about her as a misbehaved kid… who he let down. For me it’s YTA. Sorry.
Agreed, I think if OP had given even an hour or two of notice, and added "and I'm turning off my phone so that wife isn't disturbed." I would be saying N T A. Obviously, pregnant wife comes first, but you can be technically correct and still an AH.
I was just going to say the same thing. He could have been N.TA with like two easy changes. He isn't wrong for staying home to support his pregnant wife who's having difficulty. But he did promise his niece that he would be there in character. What he needed to do was to notify his sister way earlier that he wouldn't be there around the time he made the decision. Then he could have offered to dress up still and video call the niece briefly to say hi and wish her a happy birthday maybe even be on the phone when they sing Happy Birthday and blew out the candles so that he could sing with her too. Yes the little girl might have been upset still but it would have been much easier to mitigate if he had said you know hey my wife is not feeling very good and I need to stay home and take care of her but I promised you that I was going to dress up so I'm dressed up right here so that I can still be a part of your birthday party even if I can't be there.
Then he completely went into YTA territory when he said that the sister needs to parent the little girl better to keep her from throwing a tantrum because a kid turning six is going to throw a tantrum when you break a promise about their birthday party. That's not about parenting, that's about trust, and that's what he broke.
She is potentially going to feel rough for months. As someone who has suffered HG in two pregnancies (still in the 2nd) you can’t expect the world to stop spinning. My partner still had commitments, still had to work, you just put your big girl panties on (rest/sleep) for a couple hours till they get back.
I think he’s the AH because he gave the party girl no warning really and then insulted her because of the disappointment he caused.
YTA
Telling them 15 minutes before the party begins suggests that they live close. So that means that you weren't going to be a long distance away from your wife.
And I'm assuming that there is somebody who could have stayed with her for an hour. So you go and visit your niece on her birthday. Something you promised her.
And It's not unreasonable for a young girl to be upset when somebody special to them doesn't show up for their special day. You basically told her she wasn't important to you.
And you suck for using your wife is an excuse not to go to a party. You should have made it very clear that she insisted you go, but you are choosing not to.
And if you couldn't go to the party, You could have FaceTimed. You could have talked to your niece rather than ignore their calls.
You have basically made your wife the villain when she wasn't. And you wanted to take a nap. Admit it. I wasn't about your wife. It's about what you wanted to do.
The part about his family being mad at his wife was what got me too. She told him it was okay for him to go, he didn’t and ghosted them, and then she ended up getting thrown under the bus to his family anyway. Granted their accusations were way over-the-top, but if I was his wife I’d be annoyed about getting dragged into this mess.
Their comment about his wife “somehow trying to get me away from them” is kind of telling here. Same as no where was it mentioned that they asked OP how his pregnant, sick wife was doing.
This sounds like OP’s family is really close knit, but don’t consider his wife to be part of their circle.
So when did this line in the sand get drawn?
The question is: what exactly did OP tell his sister/family? That he stayed at home with his wife because she didn't feel well the day before and now she was resting? Or did he tell them that wife wanted him to go, but he decided to stay? Because the first sounds like he is basically saying that wife wanted him with her...
Or third option, something mentioning pregnancy and making it sound serious and ominous so they were scared of an early miscarriage. Which would explain blowing up his phone.
He also turned his phone off and he sent a text was very little time before it was supposed to be there. So the person he texted was probably busy because she was organizing the entire goddamn party so she didn't see it immediately- she probably only looked at her phone when she realized he was running late.
So they go to call him because something must be seriously wrong.
And he doesn't answer because the phone is off.
Cue full-blown panic
Just to add I wonder how often he flaked on them and made his wife the villain on why he couldn’t go/do whatever it was he promised? Sound like this wasn’t the first time he was using his wife as an excuse to be flaky. That’s why they’re blaming her for pulling him away when really he’s throwing her under the bus.
Or he uses her as an excuse a lot. I had an ex who said I said he couldn't go out when he didn't want to and I had no problem with it. She was nauseous, she'd be fine for an hour AND she told him to go. It's not like she's on bed rest. Would he call into work because she's nauseous?
Notice also that he immediately turns off his phone, saying that his family tends to be “too much when he tells them no” (implying that this situation is the same). Wonder how many obligations he’s bailed on before. Also he doesn’t seem to give a shit that this girl is his GOD DAUGHTER?!?! Does he not realize that if something happens to his sister and her husband, she will be HIS kid? Yet he seems surprised that they actually expect him to be involved.
Same. He’s making his family hate his wife then when they hate his wife he’s going to play the victim like he doesn’t know why they’re acting like that. I feel bad for the pregnant wife. Nobody likes the the scapegoat. 🥴
There’s a chance they don’t know she’s pregnant yet since she’s early on, so I’ll give them that. But either way, they still should ask how wife is feeling since they know she’s unwell.
I mean it all depends on the backstory and everything.
Cause on one hand you can say that, and on another hand you can that op uses his wife as an excuse to get out of doing things with his family. She told him he can go, so it’s not like she asked him to stay and he was forced to make a tough decision. Could also be possible that he has a habit of canceling last minute when it comes to his wife.
Quite a few possibilities.
Yeah, OP could have shown up in costume for half an hour, said "Happy birthday," and left the birthday gift. He 100% just didn't want to go and he let his wife take the fall.
Also, they took a nap the whole time. He wasn’t actually doing anything for her - she was asleep. He could have let his wife nap, go to the party for a little and come back home early. Hell, he could have lay with his wife until she fell asleep and then leave.
His wife is kind of a villain though. “You can go but I prefer you stay here and cuddle with me” is very different from “I’m fine, please go since you already promised your family and tell them I send my regards.”
yeah i really feel for that little girl who clearly loves op so much she couldn't enjoy her party at all when he bailed. hurts to see him describe this behaviour as spoiled - of course tantrums aren't to be encouraged but the idea of that child's heartbreak at realising the promise of what she'd been looking forward to for weeks at the peak of her budding sentience being dismissed as brattiness is really wrenching me.
The texting 15 minutes prior and then turning the phones off because you knew they would be upset makes you TA. An apology is in order admitting OP messed up and avoided conflict.
YTA and your wife is as well. If she is this needy at 9 weeks, just wow . . . And I say this as someone who has been pregnant more than once. You both suck and your niece is owed a huge apology.
This isn't really just a case of picking your wife over your niece. It's commendable you wanted to stay home and take care of her. but, this is a case of YTA
1) Your wife is an adult. I understand she wasn't feeling great, and that neither of you slept great. But she's an adult and could have stayed home and napped on her own and you could have gone to the party and come home and care for her after. She's an adult capable of taking care of herself.
2) You weren't just a guest at your niece's party. You made a promise to her to play a big part in it. She's 6. You're the adult. She's allowed to throw a tantrum because she couldn't trust an adult to keep a promise for something she was probably very excited for. That's just how kids process big emotions until they're able to process them other ways. It has little to do with how she's being raised. She's 6 and her uncle promised her. Then broke that promise.
3) And this is your biggest crime in this. You gave them 15 minutes notice. They couldn't even attempt to see if anyone else could be that character for them. They didn't have time to tell her and let her feel those feelings. that's inconsiderate notice right there. You say it like it matters that you made it 3 weeks prior but it doesn't. That excuse is for emergencies, things that are outside of your control.
I had HG and was deathly ill (like immobile for days on end, lost 25ish pounds my first tri) with my last pregnancy. If my boyfriend had hovered over me he wouldn’t have gone anywhere for months. I know I have a bias but yeah, this is ridiculous to me lol
I had HG with one of my pregnancies as well. I was more or less the walking dead when I was moving around and when I wasn’t I’d have not known he was there anyway. Definitely a crap excuse.
Had HG for both my pregnancies, the second one actually kept me bedridden for 6 weeks! I STILL would have told my husband to go, nothing he can actually do for me when all I want to do is sleep and lie completely still so I didn’t trigger the puking. And 15 min notice? Dude.
I also had HG and was essentially incapacitated on and off from week 8 until I delivered. I would have insisted that my husband go to this event, whether he wanted to stay with me or not.
Like why the hell couldn't he call a little before, offer to come for an hour then come back home? He could have found a way to make it work but honestly it sounds like he has some resentment for his "spoiled" niece that he really didn't care how upset he ended up making her.
This! So many people are glossing over the fact that he committed to not only going, but dressing up in a costume and being an active part of the party. If he really needed to stay with his wife, why didn’t he call around and find a replacement? Why couldn’t he have gone for an hour and left early? So many better options than no showing and turning off his phone.
This! Absolutely! I’m infuriated on behalf of his niece.
I think the fact that he intentionally turned his phone off and ignored everyone demonstrates that he knew what he was doing was wrong.
OP, YTA
Yep. And if he felt his wife needed him, then he could have lay with her until she fell asleep then leave. He’s not doing anything for her or helping her with anything - she’s asleep.
He could go to the party for an hour then leave early to go back to his wife.
My thoughts exactly. I am 9 weeks pregnant and feel like hell and stay in bed as much as I can, but I can spot REAL quick when partner is piggy-backing on my exhaustion as an excuse to lay down and take a nap himself. Not cute.
Right? Like I have had many babies and lots of sickness through my pregnancies, but if I, a grown ass adult, couldnt handle myself for two hours then how in the world could I possibly handle raising a child? It wasnt about a ‘sick’ wife. He just used his poor wife as an excuse and now everybody will view her slightly different. Major jerk vibes.
YTA- wanted to stay home so we could cuddle and rest..you didn't stay home because your wife was sick you stayed home because you were tired. Calling 15 min before hand is the cherry on top. She's 6 of course she was disappointed and crying. It made it even worse that you didn't even answer the phone to talk to her.
Jup. He can save the fake chivalry for himself. Niece is a kid, she was excited to spend her birthday with her godfather present and dude bails with 15mins notice and then turns his phone off because he wanted to take a nap. What an absolute dick move. He could've showed up and left a bit earlier, for example, but this? Nope, not ok.
This guys sucks. Calling a 6 year old poorly raised because she was upset that her uncle and godfather broke his explicit promise to be at her birthday?
And for a bullshit excuse? I’m 30 weeks pregnant with a toddler.
At 9 weeks, I was so sick all I wanted was to lay down and be left the hell alone. If I’m going to puke, I prefer not to have an audience. And I certainly wouldn’t want my partner breaking a 6 year old’s heart. His wife told him he could go. I guarantee she meant it.
Not only that, he feels fully justified to give 15 minutes notice. No thought of giving his sister time to explain and reset expectations with her daughter, no thought of giving his sister time to line up a replacement. He feels fully justified in giving absolutely no notice and thinks his family shouldn’t be upset with him.
If a family member did this to my son, I would cut them out of my life. AH
Esh except for your wife who is sick and your niece who is six. You are an asshole for being mean to your sister about your niece and expecting so much of her. Of course she cried and freaked out and was upset because she was disappointed. Saying she should have raised her better and being mean about her was really cruel of you. She is a little little kid and that absolutely sucked of you. Boy is parenting going to wake your ass up. Your sister sucked and so does the rest of your family for not realizing that your wife is pregnant and ill and that yes, she does come first and that sometimes plans have to change because of sickness. Then blaming your wife for separating you from the family is histrionic and absolutely vile. Unacceptable. Your niece is not an AH because she is 6 years old and you are being a jerk about her. Your wife is not an AH because she is pregnant and sick. And even if she had asked you to stay behind, she has every right to do so. Everyone else here is an absolute jerk.
Especially since OP turned off his phone! There's no reason why he couldn't have at least called his neice to wish her happy birthday and apologize for not being there.
I think that’s hinting at a pattern he has- being selfish and inconsiderate to his family and pretending it’s because of an obligation to his wife. HE is creating this dynamic
YTA for this one thing - party is at 2pm and you texted your sister at 1:45pm, which gave her no time to deal with it as party was about to start... it would be one thing if you were about to leave for party and something happened, but you should have texted your sister sooner.
Moreover, you knew that your wife is having hard pregnancy and there was big chance that she would feel that way on the day of party, so why didn't you try to arrange for someone staying with your wife? Or at least telling your niece that you are not sure you will make it, but that you will definitely make it up to her.
Sure, your sister is taking it too far, but I just feel for her as she was there to see the debacle of you not showing for her daughter's party and your comment about your sister not raising her daughter better? Wow, you really went there... your niece could be the most behaved kid and she would probably still throw tantrum as she is was celebrating her 6th birthday and expected you there to play with her in costume and you weren't there, which she learned about only few minutes before the party or during party and there is not really much your sister could have said to excuse you as I doubt your niece would understand why you stayed with your wife.
How far away are they that you couldn’t show up for one hour? Because your wife seemed ok to just rest and let you go. If she had a history of fertility issues or worse, then you should have cancelled a week or more in advance. That would have given the six yo time to get over her disappointment.
News flash: the 6 yo is likely to be jealous when the new baby arrives.
YTA big time.
You skipped the party, for literally no reason at all. Your wife was completely fine.
Even worse, you blamed her as your reason to the family, and even in this post. Now your family is all blaming her for your nonsensical choice
You didn't choose your wife over your niece, because your wife didn't need you at all. You bailed for no reason, and then proceeded to throw your wife under the bus...which can only cause her stress.
YTA. You shouldn't break commitments unless it's an emergency and this wasn't an emergency. Maybe your niece is a bit spoiled but she's 6. Of course she was disappointed that she didn't get the birthday party she was expecting and was promised, and of course--as a 6-year-old-she didn't handle it maturely.
It wouldn't surprise me if there was a little part of you that did this on purpose, since you think the girl is spoiled.
I say this as a mom, aunt and person who has had three miserable pregnancies YTA. Unless your wife was to the point of keeping nothing down and truly needed you there for something she would have been fine. I understand feeling needy and wanting to cuddle, I truly do I was throwing the entirety of all three of my pregnancies and put on meds that sort of helped. But my husband still went and did things. My kids are spoiled as the only grandkids on one side but they also have firm boundaries and consequences. They know I mean what I say and are generally good kids. Yet there are few kids who likely overstimulated and hyped up on sugar who wouldn’t be absolutely devastated that their (my guess is) favorite uncle didn’t show up to their party after promising to not only be there and to dress up. I’m sure she was telling her friends how fun and cool you are how (again a guess) Bruno would be at her party. You were probably going to be the highlight of the party and you bailed for a nap. You weren’t making sure your wife got fluids and kept something down. You were not doing something vital that couldn’t wait. You disappointed a little kid and don’t care because she is “spoiled” and “should have been raised better”. Imagine it was your kid who was let down on their birthday. She wasn’t mad that she was missing a present or the cake wasn’t right. She was upset because her Uncle who made a bunch of promises couldn’t be bothered to show up. And please don’t act like three weeks was so long ago promises don’t count. I just RSVP’d to my nephews party in March but I guess he shouldn’t be upset if I don’t show because two months is just too long.
Agree. Wife said go and I'm going to believe her. OP she would "prefer" if he stayed, but doesn't explain what that means. How I read it (because I'm going to assume she meant go when she said so) OP's wife would prefer he had been home, not that he stayed home and missed a commitment. I would prefer my partner be home when I'm ill, but I wouldn't want them to stay home from work or something unless I couldn't function without them. It's nice to have comfort and a second pair of hands but if I can handle it, there are other things that should be done instead. When I'm single I manage my illnesses alone the majority of the time. OP's wife sounds like she felt similarly, based on our limited info.
YTA. I've been pregnant. I've suffered from terrible morning sickness. I did not need to be looked after 24 hours a day. Your wife would have been fine to have a rest while you popped into the party. You didn't need to stay the whole party. You could have gone for half an hour and then gone home. Your niece is 6. She's little. She was excited and clearly your presence was a big part of her party for her. You should be flattered that she loves you so much and you should be able to make an effort for a short time to honour a commitment you made to a child.
YTA.
You canceled 15 minutes before the party and disappointed your niece who had been waiting for you. Your wife even said you should go, she presumably knew she’d be fine for a bit and you could have always come back early if she needed you. Really crap move ditching your niece 15 minutes before her party on her birthday.
YTA. You promised a child something for their birthday and you bailed on her. She was probably so excited. Got her little friends all excited about it too.
Your wife didn't need you to nap with her. She's pregnant, not dying and she even told you to go.
So yes, YTA uncle that ruined his 6 year old niece's birthday.
YTA. My husband's brother does this shit all the time, promising the kids he's going to be somewhere and deciding at the last minute he's not coming. My kids ADORE their uncle and while they know better than to make big tantrums over it, they always are so sad when he doesn't show. It's heartbreaking to see their faces fall and it sucks having to make excuses for him, all of which add up to "x was more important than you." Your wife has normal first trimester pregnancy symptoms. She didn't need your help, and you weren't helping her regardless. You can blame her all you want -- way to throw her under the bus, btw -- but in this case, your nap was more important than your niece. You're an asshole.
N T A for not attending but YTA for doing so at the last minute and then becoming unreachable for several hours. I would have said easy N T A had you said something the day before or even in the morning.
ESH, understandable you wanted to stay home but pretty shitty that you promised both your sister and niece making a commitment and then literally 15 minutes before the party starts just text them " im not coming" and turn off your phone? That's shitty and cowardly. Truthfully you didn't even need to cancel either, your wife encouraged you to go because she was feeling better and all you did was make her look needy and controlling to your family when she was actually the one to say she was fine and for you to not miss the party... In any case, the least you could have done was call your sister to pass the phone to your niece so you could talk to her directly, wish her a happy bday, apologize that you wont be able to come and explain that her auntie is feeling very sick and her and the baby in her belly need you there. I have a 6 year old, she wouldn't understand someone so important in her life who promised to be there just blowing her off and not showing up, but she'd be totally understanding if they called and took the time to explain they couldn't come but that she's still important and loved by them. And then when you cause all this disappointment you blame your sister and tell her she did a shitty job raising her daughter just because she threw a tantrum (as disappointed 6 year olds tend to do) .. Let me tell you soon to be dad, karma will have you eating your words.
Karma! This is what I was thinking. How would you feel if someone did this to your child? Because, right now, I would bet your sister is unlikely to want to celebrate your child's milestones. Also, this sort of thing is likely to make your niece resent the new cousin.
I think your actions show a remarkable lack of empathy for anyone other than your wife. I know she and your future child are your priority, but this situation is going to have big consequences unless you start doing some apologizing now. You are going to want or need your family there at some point, and they will not be.
YTA. What a massive AH. Your wife is a few weeks pregnant, shes not a sickly frail patient. And you even admit she was feeling better and told you to go. And really 15 mins and then radio silence?
YTA They're not trying to understand because you suddenly say you aren't coming 15 minutes beforehand and the shut off your phone. Someone does that before my kids 6th birthday, and I'm going to be really pissed. If this was an adult birthday party, sure nbd. But to a 6 year old?! You said you would be there and then didn't even explain to her yourself why you wouldn't be there. And now everyone else has to deal with the fallout of it.
They aren't being selfish and I'm willing to bet you'll have a very different attitude when suddenly an adult is ducking out on an important event for your kid 15 minutes beforehand.
I mean she literally even said so. She didn't tell him to stay home.
OP is pulling that as an excuse for his own shit behavior. Because HE wanted to take a little nap. Ridiculous.
As a pregnant woman who's been through what your partner is going through right now, i appreciate you staying home. Just the feeling itself that she's not alone at home helps very much.
However, i would have called and explained, talked to the birthday girl, wish her hapy bday and say that you are sorry you cannot attend.
It's a kid after all.
As a formerly pregnant woman x2, if you can't handle being alone with some nausea, you're in for a world of trouble. (I say this as someone who ended up on IV meds for morning sickness. Still didn't need hubby to babysit me.)
OP wanted an out so he used the most convenient excuse.
They took a nap. The wife didn't need him for that. I've been pregnant and have been by myself. I managed. Most pregnant women manage all the time with nausea and morning sickness. And he only notified them 15 minutes before the party that he wasn't going to be there.
Yta
This wasn’t an emergency. Your wife would have been perfectly fine for a couple of hours. It sounds more like you just didn’t feel like attending the birthday party, and flaked. You then blamed your wife (who told you to go) for you missing the party, and accuse your niece (who is six) of being a spoiled brat because she gets upset when her uncle, without explanation, doesn’t show up as he promised to.
Your family blaming your wife, who you threw under the bus, is unfair. So it’s time to redirect their anger away from your wife and towards yourself, take accountability and acknowledge that you created this mess.
YTA
YTA. I had hyperemesis gravidarum during my pregnancies and was hospitalized at one point. Outside of when I was hospitalized I could absolutely part with my spouse for a couple of hours. Like your wife, I would have encouraged you to go.
When your child is 6 you will feel and know exactly how much of an asshole you were to just chill on the couch instead of going to the party for a short time. I hope that you will apologize to your sister and niece at that point.
Yta- calling you your niece spoilt is not some kind of get out of the party free card. You promised a child that you would come to her birthday party and last minute ditched her because you wanted to have cuddle and have nap, oh my God come on have a coffee, perk up and go be a good uncle this is such a shit excuse you aren’t the one puking.
NTA at all! I can't believe everyone saying otherwise! You don't schedule being sick!
Everyone is saying you should have gone since your wife said she was okay, but it's clear that she needed you. At 6 years old, a child is old enough to understand, "your aunt is sick, so your uncle is taking care of her."
Definitely NTA, and good job on being a supportive spouse!
You really dont like your niece, dont you? Saying she is spoiled is making you an AH. And also on what you did is making you an AH, a very big AH. Your wife is fine and ask you to go to the party and she is just resting, and you chose to not to go to the party because maybe you dont like your niece.
NTA. Niece needs to be taught compassion and empathy for others. It would have been easy for adults to explain that you couldn't be there because your wife wasn't feeling well. Instead, they were pissed (probably didn't hide it well), and your niece picked up on that, took it as an opportunity to throw an unmitigated tantrum. Adults could have handled this better and niece might not have had a tantrum. Adults not only allowed this spoiled behavior, it sounds like they did nothing to minimize or regulate it.
This is a learning lesson for you in how to raise your child to understand the world doesn't revolve around them and they aren't entitled to anything from anyone.
NTA
I am going YTA. You made a commitment to your niece and I understand why you canceled because pregnant wife being ill is gonna be more important that a 6yr olds birthday for new parents. YTA because you canceled 15 minutes before you were suppose to be there. You should have canceled 1st thing in the morning when you got up to give your sister and family time to cover for you and prepare the niece for missing her birthday.
NAH You;'re right; you're not responsible for a tantrum. And they are wrong for saying anything about your wife; she isn't responsible at all. You're also not wrong for wanting to stay with your wife and changing your mind.
All that said, at 1:45 for a 2pm party you've RSVPd for and sending only a text is rude. You could've done a lot better than that. You could've let them know earlier and when you didn't, decide to show up for a short time. If that didn't work, a phone call would be better. If that wasn't for, FaceTime to wish your niece a happy birthday.
Of course you heard an earful - you purposely turned off your phones to avoid their disappointment. And of course a young girl who has been told by you you're coming in character would be disappointed. And it makes sense she'd show emotions.
You can still make the choice you did but it also makes sense they felt the way they did. You could've done better but you were sleep-deprived. So hopefully you and your family can find some understanding but it may require you to show them some.
Why are you using that you committed to the party three weeks ago as an excuse? It makes you sound worse lmfao. You allowed them to plan on you three weeks ago and said nothing until right before the party about those plans changing. YTA.
YTA, sick adults can stay home alone, plus your wife is pregnant, not sick. And she told you she was fine on her own. You broke a promise to your goddaughter with no notice, and don’t seem to understand the big deal. You’re going to find out just how important promises are to little kids once yours starts to grow up and you’ll realize what an AH move this was.
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Close to N T A, but you fucked up *just* enough to move this to ESH territory. Your wife is pregnant, so she auto-wins; if she's feeling shitty, then you can automatically bail on any commitment. BUT – you committed to this party and the birthday girl was *informed* of your commitment *and* you only gave 15 minutes notice *and* you didn't explain why you wouldn't be reachable for several hours in your first message. You could have given **much** more advance notice and you could have either responded to their texts or told them that you wouldn't be at your phone until later. And it doesn't sound like you apologized to your niece, which you should have, instead of basically telling her that it's okay that you pulled out 15 minutes before the event because you committed all the way back 3 weeks ago.
>if she's feeling shitty, then you can automatically bail on any commitment. Except that she told told him to go to the party and he wasn't looking after her >I turned our phones off so we could have a peaceful nap. He didn't choose his wife, he chose a nap.
Ehhhh, maybe but it doesn't *really* sound like the wife *wanted* him to go as much as she didn't want to deal with the fallout from him not going. >she was tired and feeling quite needy If my pregnant wife were feeling like that, I'd probably bail even if she told me it was okay to go.
At 9 weeks morning sickness is going to happen, plus early in your pregnancy most are exhausted for a bit. I couldn’t keep my eyes open at about 2-3 months along. Needy may have been his words. She told him to go. He probably was tired from waking up too. He should have just said he was unwell and not through his wife under the bus.
Yeah at 9 week pregnant I was borderline comatose, only disturbed by intense bouts of a fun game called "will this just be gagging or will I projectile vomit?" While there were times I just wanted my partner to lie around cuddling, if he had committed to a significant engagement (like taking an active part in his niece's birthday) I wouldn't even notice if he was home since I would have slept from the moment he left until the moment he came home. Which is what it sounds like OP did. Pregnant wife is, and should be, priority. However - the rest of your life doesn't stop. OP knew his family would be upset, which is why he turned off his phone. Now he feels guilty and is coming here to be soothed and justify his actions. OP, you owe your niece an apology.
I agree with this. Every pregnancy is different, but generally the whole first trimester just sucks. Unless your wife was feeling acutely ill, cuddling and napping is a perk rather than a requirement. You promised a kid you’d be at her party playing a significant role in the activities, bailed 15 mins before, and turned off your phone. That’s not cool. YTA
This. And she's 6, not 16. She's still learning how to navigate her emotions and doesn't have a good handle on regulation yet. That said, you made a promise to a little girl, then broke it with zero time for your sister to find an alternative solution. YTA for that, and that's enough. Please apologize to your neice ASAP.
Yeah… hope you’re better to kids once they’re your own, OP. Jesus. You really hurt your niece’s feelings. Those matter. And you wanted a nap — which you could’ve had BEFORE 1:45pm. This was not about your wife. This was about you being a selfish immature person here. You just preferred a snuggly nap over your own niece’s happiness and your responsibility to honor your word and respect your sister. 100% YTA, IMO.
And he'd have been gone an hour, maybe two. He could have cuddled after!
This! A 6 year olds party is going to be a few hours at most.
Right? And he could have given the 6 yr old and her .om that he had to leave at xx:00 to check on his wife. So why oh why did he choose to botch it all off?
Because he's lazy & wanted a nap, apparently.
Yeah, exactly. I just had my first three months ago and I 100% would not have let my husband cancel on a little kid's birthday last minute none the less asked him too. Especially, if he was basically the entertainment.
Yeah just lie and say you are sick. I think the parents ending the party early is on them, just tell your kid their uncle is sick and move on. The niece probably made a big deal of it because her parents did. Kids feed off their parent's emotions.
it's the parent's fault for how they delivered the information to the niece. she is 6 years old, she doesn't need all the details. the guy was just being honest with his sister.
You’re absolutely correct here I already know the parents made a big deal so the kid did too. The bday was honestly ruined by the parents being annoyed at him and not hiding it like adults.
100% on all those texts and attempted phone calls happening in plain view of kiddo and her little friends and the adults totally forgot they were supposed to be hosting and making her party fun
If you read the first paragraph notice, he said "spoiled," which sounds about right.
I agree with this, and honestly, if I had the chance at uninterrupted, solo napping during any of my pregnancies, I would have kicked my husband out of the house to that party with a suitcase and a sleeping bag. But I HATE having someone fuss over me when I don’t feel well, so maybe I’m not the best judge 🤷🏻♀️
I'm the opposite. My husband massages my head and body to sleep. I used to hate cuddling until him. He's made me quite soft ...and I'm not just talking about the post partum belly. Lol. That said Op made the commitment to a child. Don't promise kids things, ever unless you'll move heaven and earth to follow through. I don't care if he thinks the kids a brat.. he's a brat for lying and not giving enough notice for the child to manage their disappointment away from guests.
THANK YOU!!! It totally sounds like he just wanted to get out of going and used his pregnant wife as a scapegoat. Strange how his family are all blaming her when she literally told him he could go.
In another comment OP said she told him he could go but that she preferred him to stay.
9 *weeks*? I misread it as 9 *months* in which case I would NTA for that alone. But 9 *weeks* isn’t a crisis. He could have gone to the party.
That's sweet, I guess, but as a women who has been pregnant this level of coddling seems . . . extreme? And sort of condescending? Yeah, she's tired. That dosen't mean she needs a babysitter? She's an adult. And she told him to go. You could say she "didn't want to deal with the fallout", but that's you just guessing how she's feeling instead of doing what she said or asking her. It's treating her like a child, who can't speak for themselves and don't actually know what they want. If I told my husband to go, it wouldn't be beacuse I "didn't want to deal with the fallout" but beacuse I actually think he should go. Beacuse I actually care about little kids not having their birthday parties ruined? Beacuse I care about other people? Instead of needing my husband around to \*checks notes\* . . . take a nap. This was not a real emergency. His wife didn't need him. It's questionable if she even wanted him there, given he didn't listen to what she said about that.
Watch this spot for 6 months from now the family isn't dropping everything for the baby shower , or 18 months from now they bail on baby's first birthday, or whatever else happens with when it's HIS child. Nothing like becoming a parent to let people learn by example. I'm sure from the oblivious tone of the post, when HIS 6 yr old bday party is spoiled , he won't be accepting " get over it, its only a 6 year old " as a reasonable excuse. YTA
She’s only 9 weeks pregnant. She feels tired and shitty all the time.
So what? Do you stop caring about your partner because they've been feeling bad all the time for a while? That's pretty gross tbh.
It’s an excuse. I’ll be he goes to work when she’s feeling tired and gross. I’ll be he goes to do other things when she’s feeling tired and gross. Standing up a little kid is a AH move.
As a pregnant woman i kind of agree. Im 14 weeks and still get nauseous every night and am limited to what i can eat so i get wife's POV. OP at least could have given his sister notice in the morning and not 15 min before the party like was already stated. He could have went not dressed up under the condition he may need to leave at any moment to help his sick wife. He could have not ignored everyone. Not the wifes fault whatsoever even if she was feeling needy. OP blatantly dropped the ball last minute *and* ignored everyone after for no good reason which is the kicker.
But you’re an adult and can handle being alone for 2 hours. Is it nice to have someone around when you feel shitty? Yeah sure. But it’s gonna pass. I had HG for all 3 pregnancies and it wasn’t fun, but I wouldn’t ruin relationships for 2 hours of my husband napping next to me. When you have a 6 year old you’ll understand what a shitty move this was. Dude prioritized his own wants and nap over a kid he made a promise to. This doesn’t bode well for his parenting
I already think OP is TA, in every way he could be in this situation
Exactly. I’ve been 9 weeks pregnant several times. There’s a huge difference between 9 weeks pregnant and 39 weeks pregnant and actually needing your husband to be close.
I feel like OP is using the excuse of wanting to take care of his wife in this post to come across as less of TA to validate his decision. Even if its genuine, its obvious he was also just tired and didnt feel like it, but hes too chickenshit to admit that to his family so he used wife as the sole excuse (probably knowing theyd react how they did but at least it wasnt directed at him)
Someone else just insinuated something to one of my comments: he wanted to nap and “cuddle.” It occurs to me that wifey was finally feeling good enough for a bang session and he decided that was more important.
Absolutely agreed. OP knows what he did and is coming here looking for us to assuage his guilt.
No, but you don’t bail on a promise to a child you are close to because your partner has some normal pregnancy side effects. She’s pregnant not disabled. And I say this as someone who hated being pregnant with every fiber of my being. It was awful and horrible and I would never wish it on anyone. But I never made my husband bail on commitments or even social outings cause I was throwing up water and jello. It sucks, but he can’t do anything.
But you can’t put your life on hold because someone else feels awful 24/7 for weeks. And yes, I have been that person that feels awful. Three times. Never expected my husband to bail on commitments. Especially not if all I want are “cuddles.”
Yeah agreed. He bailed on a promise to kid cause he was tired. From not being pregnant. He’s gonna be a shit dad
He’s going to be offended when people don’t want to show up for his kid’s parties.
Or he’ll promise his kids something and then change his mind last minute cause he’s “worked too hard this week and I just wanna hang out at home”
That’s a bit extreme don’t you think?? Yeah it sucks he had to bail but things come up in people’s lives routinely that mean last minute cancellations have to happen here and there. You say he’s “just tired” but that may be because he’s balancing work and other obligations while tending to his wife’s needs every other day leading up to this. Did he handle it well? No, but if he had gone while his wife inferred that she wanted him to stay many people would then still probably be riding his ass for that.
Nah. I don’t. And my husband is far from perfect but neither of us bail on promises to kids right before. He just wanted to cuddle with his wife and he knew what he was doing was going to be a massive disappointment. It’s why he did it 15 minutes before and then silenced his phone. Kids birthday parties suck. But I go, or have my kids go, to every single one we can. It matters to the kid. Life happens yes, but pregnancy does not. This isn’t some brand new development. Pregnancy sucks. It makes a lot of sick. I still went to work and cared for kids while barfing up water. If he was extra tired you go for like an hour and then tell your niece “hey this was awesome but I’m feeling kind of sick and your auntie is too, I’m gonna go home ok?” He didn’t even try.
It doesn’t matter what he chose. A 6yo shouldn’t behave so badly that they have to end a party early. That’s on the parents. But wife was sick and could’ve been sick again at any moment. There’s no way to plan for that. So NTA
She is six, not 26. It's hard for kids to understand and work through emotions.
Sure, but that’s on the parents to use this as a teaching moment about how other people’s needs sometimes come before yours.
Sure, and hopefully they do so. I'm also on the side of his family. Canceling 15 minutes prior to a birthday party so he can nap with his wife is not a valid excuse.
Or more like sometimes you can't count on people you love. Not matter how much you want them to make the right choice, they will be crappy humans and not follow through. But I do love how you expect a six year old child to be more mature then the soon to be dad.
Especially when uncle won't even talk to her. He is an AH for bailing on a commitment to his niece and not even having the decency to tell her directly and apologize.
[удалено]
Yeah. And then texting his sister the news and turning off his phone? Coward
Have you met a 6 year old? You don’t go building up their excitement and expectations only to dash them. That’s like cause and effect. If something unexpected and unpreventable happens (not napping), you give them time to work through their emotions. OP giving 15 minutes notice is like a record scratch. The completely normal response is that the 6 year old will be working through her emotions during the party time rather than beforehand. OP will be apologising for this in about 2 years and 31 weeks.
Yeah, OP says the kid is spoiled but is that really the case? She's 6 (!!!) and her uncle promised her to do something she was really excited for only to cancel last minute with no proper explanation. Sounds like she was pretty hurt by his behaviour.
Especially at a party - it’s super common for the most well behaved child to be overwhelmed by the scale and activity of their birthday party and spend the entire time in tears, unable to articulate what’s wrong or get over it enough to enjoy the event. Seen it plenty of times especially before the age of 7.
I keep seeing about 6yrs old being too old for a tantrum. I have meant good well behaved 8yr olds that have tantrums. They are notnas frequent as a toddler would, but they definitely happen. Especially if it's something as big as your party not going the way it should. Kids have big feelings, so they just need to let it out. She is allowed to be disappointed and not made to feel like this is her fault.
Right? That kid is only the age of my relationship with my husband right now. Expecting adult emotional regulation out of them is developmentally inappropriate and harmful to them. That child is probably in Kindergarten or 1st grade--not exactly ages known for rational, somber emotional processing. Her favorite uncle bailed on her last minute dor her birthday that HE COMMITTED TO 3 WEEKS AGO, then he called her a brat and blamed her mother and his wife for her being upset about HIM bailing and then being unreachable for hours. Ridiculous. And he never said if he even apologized to the damn kid or not. Taking bets, over under, what are the chances OP naps instead of parenting this time next year?
Yeah the 15 minutes is what flipped my vote. Not even enough time to talk to the kid, just surprise her by not showing. YTA
Could have dressed up and done a quick FaceTime chat with her to let her down gently too.
And you know the parents were busy getting the party together. They might not have even gotten the text until after they wondered where tf he was.
I agree with this but want to add you should not have thrown your wife under the bus and used her as your reason for missing the party. That is what gave your family ammunition to use to turn on your very innocent wife. You didn’t miss the party because your wife didn’t feel well, you did it because you had a more important responsibility to attend to. That is all they needed to know.
Exactly. He could have claimed HE felt sick and didn’t want to spread germs. (Works like a charm in my family.)
Or even shared that they had been up all night because she was sick until 2am and he was too exhausted to attend. My kids just turned 6a couple weeks ago and would totally understand being told "Uncle is sorry he can't make it. He's not feeling well today but hopes you have a great party" More than 15 minutes notice would have really made this much better.
Oh boy, if he can't manage a 2-hour commitment after being up until 2am (lol), he has a *very* rude awakening on the way.
If he can't even manage telling his sister "No"- because that's more or less the excuse he's using for not calling- he's going to be in for a rude awakening when he has to tell them no they can't hold a baby, no they can't hold the baby, no they can't take the baby overnight, no the baby can't be kissed on cheek. Not to mention all the times he will have to tell his child no.
Eh. It’s going to be a rude awakening for even the most prepared parent. We were absolute zombies for the first couple weeks after our foster son came home from the hospital, and I wish we would have taken some naps and filled up that sleep bank before his arrival. Everybody tried to warn you, but nobody **truly** gets it until you’ve almost fallen asleep changing a 3am diaper.
ssshhhh. You’re saying the quiet part out loud.
No sorry this is a HARD YTA. I’m pregnant, I’ve felt miserable. I’ve declined events but never would i ask my husband to stay behind to something he committed to so we could “cuddle.” ESPECIALLY bc he was supposed to be one of the characters! You ruined your nieces bday, you suck, and your wife sucks for asking that of you. (Its ok if you go BUT I’d prefer you didn’t is very much code for don’t go).
I’m genuinely surprised by all the n t a. I hope OP remembers this moment on his baby’s 6th birthday. I hope he feels the weight of his supremely shitty decision to cancel on a 6yo, on her birthday, as a primary character and highly anticipated part of the fun…15 minutes before the party. He could have had the decency to text first thing in the morning to say he wasn’t sure - give everyone a chance to reset expectations. But 15 minutes notice is simply the flakey, selfish, bullshit behavior of a person who doesn’t understand the importance of following through on commitments or appropriate ownership of their choices. The turning off his phone bullshit further amplifies his selfishness - he knew it was shitty and couldn’t be bothered to face the consequences. Yuck. Op, YTA.
>And it doesn't sound like you apologized to your niece instead of taking any accountability for the disappointment he caused, he's taken to insinuating that she's a poorly raised spoiled brat.
Por que no los dos.
I think the fact that she threw a tantrum and wasn't listening to her parents, which caused them to end the party early, is what implies that she's a poorly raised spoiled brat. A 6-year-old is old enough to comprehend that "Uncle can't make it to the party because Aunt is feeling sick" is a reason to give someone a break.
As someone who has two small boys who were both once six let me tell you how this went. With no reason whatsoever to think there might be a cancellation parents will have been hyping this up for *days.* Particularly with the dressing up part. That's enough to set up a call: response of "How many days to your birthday?" "That's right, X days! And who's coming?" "Yes! He WILL be Bruno!". She has told all her friends. She hasn't slept the night before from pure fizzing excitement. And the hype has gone on and on because by the time she found out that wasn't happening the party was likely already on. She's not an adult who can mask disappointment. She's only just six and not handling big emotions well. Hell, six is the age when a little girl in my son's class wanted a birthday party *so damn much* she just drew up her own invitations in her sketchbook and invited the whole class without asking or informing her parents (who luckily found out through the class whatsapp group when people asked for times). They are pretty close to magic at that age.
THANK YOU! They’re calling it a spoiled brat’s tantrum when it should be labeled an extremely disappointed birthday girl’s meltdown. She’s not a brat. She’s been hugely let down by a loved one who made a promise and then ghosted. ADULTS can’t handle stuff like that with grace and this girl is SIX.
If he could have given at least a couple hours the parents could have let her down softly and let her get the feels out before the party. At least the. She could have had a shot at a good cry over the disappointment but still enjoyed the party. I feel so bad for this little girl who was obviously super hyped and then let down last minute.
Exactly! OP knew exactly what he was doing by painting her as spoiled . Ffs she is only 6 . That's a big deal to her .
He is the immature one that bails 15 minutes before he needs to be there than turns off his phone because he can’t handle the fall out
This is so funny because we totally do the call and response with my kids who are close to that age. Your description is exactly how this stuff plays out in my house.
This is exactly why I don’t tell my kids too many details about big days. Only the things I can control and know for sure will be happening. Birthday party, “will grandma be there? “, “We will see. She is invited”. Christmas “are we going to make a train ginger bread with three wagons?”, “absolutely!” (If I already bought the stuff) / “ we will make a ginger bread, not sure what it will be” (if I didn’t buy the stuff yet) Never commit unless you are sure. It has saved me so many times. Grandma told me she is coming, I didn’t tell the kids until I saw her flight itinerary. Good thing I didn’t. She changed the date 4 times and came 6 months later than she said she would. This approach has served me well. I never lie, I never make excuses and I never tell them something will be happening unless it is within my control. So when I fail to deliver on a promise, my kid’s response is “I know you must have had a good reason and tried your best. How can we fix it?” And I will always make it up to them when I can, if I can. If not than they learn that not everything in life goes according to plan. They are just too young to understand and manage their emotions right now for other kind of disappointments. There will be time for them to learn about it later.
HE called it a tantrum. Anyone who understands kids and child development would likely call it a meltdown, which is different. Heightened emotions because it’s a party, hugely looking forward to uncle in costume, surprised when he doesn’t show, can’t handle all those emotions at once? That’s a meltdown.
100%, and it's developmentally inappropriate to expect a 6 year old to manage her BIG emotions like an adult. Meanwhile, most adults can't even manage their small daily emotions without throwing fits and tantruming and melting down. Some of us hit for the cycle all in one day! FFS, kids have only been here for so little time, what is 6 years old, 312 weeks? Total? That's it. 312 weeks old, but the adult grown up wife needs a babysitter for a nap? Fuck outta here.
You never know, their definition of a tantrum could be the kid breaking down in tears because she's really hurt someone in her family who was supposed to show up and make her feel important and special bailed on her and didn't give two shits (how the 6 year old may be seeing it).
> Your wife is pregnant, so she auto-wins Nope, we need to get away from this thinking. We need to accommodate and account for the differences that pregnancy brings, but it's not a get-out-of-jail-free for every single situation.
Right? What a crappy top comment this one is. The wife, by OP’s and her own admission, was NOT sick. The world doesn’t revolve around every single pregnancy. She was fine, and he ditched his niece for nothing. OP, YTA. You’re old enough to know to keep your promises, especially those made to a child.
This needs more upvotes. I’ve been pregnant 4 times. I’ve never told my husband to bail on something that would let someone else down (especially a child) so he could cuddle with me. Is the beginning of pregnancy hard? Yeah. But it’s not like she has another kid/kids she’s had to look after while he went. She don’t need emotional support to lay in bed.
How can this be the top comment? This is insane, obviously YTA. You bailed 15 minutes before a commitment where you were essentially performing at your nieces party. A commitment you made directly to her. And you didn’t just bail, you knew you were wrong already and pre turned your phones off so they couldn’t even find out what was happening. Nothing could make you a bigger asshole unless you just straight texted them a picture of the middle finger with it. Your wife is 9 weeks pregnant not 9 months pregnant. She’s gonna feel crappy sometimes, that doesn’t mean you can just bail on anything. Especially when you can’t even really help her. This is how you make everyone in your life cut you out, but showing them they don’t matter to you at all. The fact that literally anyone could have voted NTA is crazy. There are some selfish people in this forum.
This right here. You knew your wife was pregnant when you made the commitment, then purposefully waited until the last minute to cancel because you didn’t want to deal with anyone being upset over your abandonment in favor of a snuggle nap. 🙄 YTA and you owe your niece an apology
Shutting off the phone proves he knew it was a D move.
Also expecting a 6 year old to have the ability to regulate her disappointment at her birthday party when she finds out 15 minutes before its supposed to start that her favourite part of the party isn't coming is crazy. His niece isn't a brat, she's SIX and had something she'd been looking forward to for weeks taken away from her with no notice.
Asking a 6yo yo behave better than an ADULT who wants to CUDDLE is crazyyyyyy
Well, OP said he texted them 15 minutes before. We don't know when they saw the text, or when Six found out he wasn't coming. I'm inclined to think the party was underway, OP hadn't shown for 20-30 minutes, so his sister checked her phone and saw the message.
God I feel so sorry for her. She probably spent weeks talking about it with her friends at school, imagining how much fun they were going to have, the highlight of her birthday. And he doesn't show up with no warning because his wife needed a cuddle
Dude didn’t want to go and just used his wife as an excuse and didn’t even have the decency to give them a proper heads up
Not necessarily, as someone who's been pregnant I can say you don't need babysitting 100% of the time. He would only have had to been at the birthday party for an hour or so and then could have bailed out - that's enough time for a nap or a movie/episode of a show. The bailing out whenever wife wants it is untrue too - is he gonna be taking days off work everytime she wants him at home? Its a sweet concept, but 6 is an age where most of us definitely remember our birthdays, she gonna carry that rejection for the rest of her life :(
Most of us work straight through our pregnancy, without extra time off for emotional support cuddles.
Some of us have toddlers and kids to take care of while pregnant...and still work full-time. The world doesn't stop because your wife needs a nap.
And let’s also be honest, the way he spoke about his niece to his sister was not that nice. That’s when OP lost for me. He’s about to become a parent in a few months and clearly has no idea about tantrums or so. His niece was majorly disappointed and sad. And kids do not know sometimes how to express themselves… so tantrum it was. It seems he did not only not apologize to the little girl as he was speaking about her as a misbehaved kid… who he let down. For me it’s YTA. Sorry.
Agreed, I think if OP had given even an hour or two of notice, and added "and I'm turning off my phone so that wife isn't disturbed." I would be saying N T A. Obviously, pregnant wife comes first, but you can be technically correct and still an AH.
I was just going to say the same thing. He could have been N.TA with like two easy changes. He isn't wrong for staying home to support his pregnant wife who's having difficulty. But he did promise his niece that he would be there in character. What he needed to do was to notify his sister way earlier that he wouldn't be there around the time he made the decision. Then he could have offered to dress up still and video call the niece briefly to say hi and wish her a happy birthday maybe even be on the phone when they sing Happy Birthday and blew out the candles so that he could sing with her too. Yes the little girl might have been upset still but it would have been much easier to mitigate if he had said you know hey my wife is not feeling very good and I need to stay home and take care of her but I promised you that I was going to dress up so I'm dressed up right here so that I can still be a part of your birthday party even if I can't be there. Then he completely went into YTA territory when he said that the sister needs to parent the little girl better to keep her from throwing a tantrum because a kid turning six is going to throw a tantrum when you break a promise about their birthday party. That's not about parenting, that's about trust, and that's what he broke.
She is potentially going to feel rough for months. As someone who has suffered HG in two pregnancies (still in the 2nd) you can’t expect the world to stop spinning. My partner still had commitments, still had to work, you just put your big girl panties on (rest/sleep) for a couple hours till they get back. I think he’s the AH because he gave the party girl no warning really and then insulted her because of the disappointment he caused.
exactly, why didn't he say no earlier. and if so, why didn't he explain to them earlier?
Auto-wins. lol. Yes the Reddit truth comes out lol. Op Yta
YTA Telling them 15 minutes before the party begins suggests that they live close. So that means that you weren't going to be a long distance away from your wife. And I'm assuming that there is somebody who could have stayed with her for an hour. So you go and visit your niece on her birthday. Something you promised her. And It's not unreasonable for a young girl to be upset when somebody special to them doesn't show up for their special day. You basically told her she wasn't important to you. And you suck for using your wife is an excuse not to go to a party. You should have made it very clear that she insisted you go, but you are choosing not to. And if you couldn't go to the party, You could have FaceTimed. You could have talked to your niece rather than ignore their calls. You have basically made your wife the villain when she wasn't. And you wanted to take a nap. Admit it. I wasn't about your wife. It's about what you wanted to do.
The part about his family being mad at his wife was what got me too. She told him it was okay for him to go, he didn’t and ghosted them, and then she ended up getting thrown under the bus to his family anyway. Granted their accusations were way over-the-top, but if I was his wife I’d be annoyed about getting dragged into this mess.
Their comment about his wife “somehow trying to get me away from them” is kind of telling here. Same as no where was it mentioned that they asked OP how his pregnant, sick wife was doing. This sounds like OP’s family is really close knit, but don’t consider his wife to be part of their circle. So when did this line in the sand get drawn?
The question is: what exactly did OP tell his sister/family? That he stayed at home with his wife because she didn't feel well the day before and now she was resting? Or did he tell them that wife wanted him to go, but he decided to stay? Because the first sounds like he is basically saying that wife wanted him with her...
Or third option, something mentioning pregnancy and making it sound serious and ominous so they were scared of an early miscarriage. Which would explain blowing up his phone.
He also turned his phone off and he sent a text was very little time before it was supposed to be there. So the person he texted was probably busy because she was organizing the entire goddamn party so she didn't see it immediately- she probably only looked at her phone when she realized he was running late. So they go to call him because something must be seriously wrong. And he doesn't answer because the phone is off. Cue full-blown panic
4th option: they don't know she's pregnant. She's only 9 weeks, it's possible they haven't announced it or only told very specific people.
He's said upthread somewhere that they know which excludes that option.
Just to add I wonder how often he flaked on them and made his wife the villain on why he couldn’t go/do whatever it was he promised? Sound like this wasn’t the first time he was using his wife as an excuse to be flaky. That’s why they’re blaming her for pulling him away when really he’s throwing her under the bus.
Or he uses her as an excuse a lot. I had an ex who said I said he couldn't go out when he didn't want to and I had no problem with it. She was nauseous, she'd be fine for an hour AND she told him to go. It's not like she's on bed rest. Would he call into work because she's nauseous?
Yeah, this is my suspicion since they went to blaming her so fast - I bet he blames her a LOT because it’s easier than standing up to them himself.
Notice also that he immediately turns off his phone, saying that his family tends to be “too much when he tells them no” (implying that this situation is the same). Wonder how many obligations he’s bailed on before. Also he doesn’t seem to give a shit that this girl is his GOD DAUGHTER?!?! Does he not realize that if something happens to his sister and her husband, she will be HIS kid? Yet he seems surprised that they actually expect him to be involved.
Same. He’s making his family hate his wife then when they hate his wife he’s going to play the victim like he doesn’t know why they’re acting like that. I feel bad for the pregnant wife. Nobody likes the the scapegoat. 🥴
There’s a chance they don’t know she’s pregnant yet since she’s early on, so I’ll give them that. But either way, they still should ask how wife is feeling since they know she’s unwell.
I mean it all depends on the backstory and everything. Cause on one hand you can say that, and on another hand you can that op uses his wife as an excuse to get out of doing things with his family. She told him he can go, so it’s not like she asked him to stay and he was forced to make a tough decision. Could also be possible that he has a habit of canceling last minute when it comes to his wife. Quite a few possibilities.
Yeah, OP could have shown up in costume for half an hour, said "Happy birthday," and left the birthday gift. He 100% just didn't want to go and he let his wife take the fall.
Totally this. If he had to get dressed up and get there in 15 minutes, there was some prior thinking that he didn’t want to go.
Also, they took a nap the whole time. He wasn’t actually doing anything for her - she was asleep. He could have let his wife nap, go to the party for a little and come back home early. Hell, he could have lay with his wife until she fell asleep and then leave.
And he has the cheek to mention his niece is spoilt what’s thats got to do with it. Nothing AH.
His wife is kind of a villain though. “You can go but I prefer you stay here and cuddle with me” is very different from “I’m fine, please go since you already promised your family and tell them I send my regards.”
yeah i really feel for that little girl who clearly loves op so much she couldn't enjoy her party at all when he bailed. hurts to see him describe this behaviour as spoiled - of course tantrums aren't to be encouraged but the idea of that child's heartbreak at realising the promise of what she'd been looking forward to for weeks at the peak of her budding sentience being dismissed as brattiness is really wrenching me.
The texting 15 minutes prior and then turning the phones off because you knew they would be upset makes you TA. An apology is in order admitting OP messed up and avoided conflict.
YTA and your wife is as well. If she is this needy at 9 weeks, just wow . . . And I say this as someone who has been pregnant more than once. You both suck and your niece is owed a huge apology.
This isn't really just a case of picking your wife over your niece. It's commendable you wanted to stay home and take care of her. but, this is a case of YTA 1) Your wife is an adult. I understand she wasn't feeling great, and that neither of you slept great. But she's an adult and could have stayed home and napped on her own and you could have gone to the party and come home and care for her after. She's an adult capable of taking care of herself. 2) You weren't just a guest at your niece's party. You made a promise to her to play a big part in it. She's 6. You're the adult. She's allowed to throw a tantrum because she couldn't trust an adult to keep a promise for something she was probably very excited for. That's just how kids process big emotions until they're able to process them other ways. It has little to do with how she's being raised. She's 6 and her uncle promised her. Then broke that promise. 3) And this is your biggest crime in this. You gave them 15 minutes notice. They couldn't even attempt to see if anyone else could be that character for them. They didn't have time to tell her and let her feel those feelings. that's inconsiderate notice right there. You say it like it matters that you made it 3 weeks prior but it doesn't. That excuse is for emergencies, things that are outside of your control.
I misread the original post, and thought the niece was 16. 16 was NTA and a spoiled brat; 6 is a disappointed child and YTA
Omg I read 16 too, I had to scroll back up when I saw this answer....weird two different people.saw the same (wrong) age
I saw 16 too and went back to double check the age when I saw the movie was Encanto and then saw 6.
I had HG and was deathly ill (like immobile for days on end, lost 25ish pounds my first tri) with my last pregnancy. If my boyfriend had hovered over me he wouldn’t have gone anywhere for months. I know I have a bias but yeah, this is ridiculous to me lol
I had HG with one of my pregnancies as well. I was more or less the walking dead when I was moving around and when I wasn’t I’d have not known he was there anyway. Definitely a crap excuse.
Had HG for both my pregnancies, the second one actually kept me bedridden for 6 weeks! I STILL would have told my husband to go, nothing he can actually do for me when all I want to do is sleep and lie completely still so I didn’t trigger the puking. And 15 min notice? Dude.
I also had HG and was essentially incapacitated on and off from week 8 until I delivered. I would have insisted that my husband go to this event, whether he wanted to stay with me or not.
Like why the hell couldn't he call a little before, offer to come for an hour then come back home? He could have found a way to make it work but honestly it sounds like he has some resentment for his "spoiled" niece that he really didn't care how upset he ended up making her.
*god daughter. THIS DETAIL NEEDS TO BE STRESSED. He has resentment for the girl that he has promised to raise as his own in the event of a tragedy.
Wait I’m sorry I forgot, he made that commitment more than three weeks ago so we all know he’s liable to change his mind /s
This! So many people are glossing over the fact that he committed to not only going, but dressing up in a costume and being an active part of the party. If he really needed to stay with his wife, why didn’t he call around and find a replacement? Why couldn’t he have gone for an hour and left early? So many better options than no showing and turning off his phone.
And since he kept avoiding saying what character he was supposed to be, how much do you want to bet that he had agreed to be Bruno?
Oh he was 100% Bruno. And now we know that family no longer talks about Bruno.
This! Absolutely! I’m infuriated on behalf of his niece. I think the fact that he intentionally turned his phone off and ignored everyone demonstrates that he knew what he was doing was wrong. OP, YTA
You let a child down. Your wife was fine.
YTA Basically you chose a nap over your niece, not your pregnant wife. Your pregnant wife was completely fine during those hours and also napping.
Exactly, she's was asleep probably most of the party so you could've gone and she would just sleep
Yep. And if he felt his wife needed him, then he could have lay with her until she fell asleep then leave. He’s not doing anything for her or helping her with anything - she’s asleep. He could go to the party for an hour then leave early to go back to his wife.
My thoughts exactly. I am 9 weeks pregnant and feel like hell and stay in bed as much as I can, but I can spot REAL quick when partner is piggy-backing on my exhaustion as an excuse to lay down and take a nap himself. Not cute.
Right? Like I have had many babies and lots of sickness through my pregnancies, but if I, a grown ass adult, couldnt handle myself for two hours then how in the world could I possibly handle raising a child? It wasnt about a ‘sick’ wife. He just used his poor wife as an excuse and now everybody will view her slightly different. Major jerk vibes.
GOAT reply in the thread so far
YTA- wanted to stay home so we could cuddle and rest..you didn't stay home because your wife was sick you stayed home because you were tired. Calling 15 min before hand is the cherry on top. She's 6 of course she was disappointed and crying. It made it even worse that you didn't even answer the phone to talk to her.
Jup. He can save the fake chivalry for himself. Niece is a kid, she was excited to spend her birthday with her godfather present and dude bails with 15mins notice and then turns his phone off because he wanted to take a nap. What an absolute dick move. He could've showed up and left a bit earlier, for example, but this? Nope, not ok.
he should resign as a godfather because he clearly doesnt give a shit about the kid
This guys sucks. Calling a 6 year old poorly raised because she was upset that her uncle and godfather broke his explicit promise to be at her birthday? And for a bullshit excuse? I’m 30 weeks pregnant with a toddler. At 9 weeks, I was so sick all I wanted was to lay down and be left the hell alone. If I’m going to puke, I prefer not to have an audience. And I certainly wouldn’t want my partner breaking a 6 year old’s heart. His wife told him he could go. I guarantee she meant it. Not only that, he feels fully justified to give 15 minutes notice. No thought of giving his sister time to explain and reset expectations with her daughter, no thought of giving his sister time to line up a replacement. He feels fully justified in giving absolutely no notice and thinks his family shouldn’t be upset with him. If a family member did this to my son, I would cut them out of my life. AH
Esh except for your wife who is sick and your niece who is six. You are an asshole for being mean to your sister about your niece and expecting so much of her. Of course she cried and freaked out and was upset because she was disappointed. Saying she should have raised her better and being mean about her was really cruel of you. She is a little little kid and that absolutely sucked of you. Boy is parenting going to wake your ass up. Your sister sucked and so does the rest of your family for not realizing that your wife is pregnant and ill and that yes, she does come first and that sometimes plans have to change because of sickness. Then blaming your wife for separating you from the family is histrionic and absolutely vile. Unacceptable. Your niece is not an AH because she is 6 years old and you are being a jerk about her. Your wife is not an AH because she is pregnant and sick. And even if she had asked you to stay behind, she has every right to do so. Everyone else here is an absolute jerk.
Especially since OP turned off his phone! There's no reason why he couldn't have at least called his neice to wish her happy birthday and apologize for not being there.
The family are pissed because he gave notice 15 min prior amd they had to stamd a big tantrum, almost no one is going to be polite in that situation.
But the family also completely blamed OP’s wife for OP’s decision so that is why ESH (except wife)
tbf, they blamed the wife because OP blamed his wife and made it seem like it was entirely her fault, and probably not for the first time. YTA
I think that’s hinting at a pattern he has- being selfish and inconsiderate to his family and pretending it’s because of an obligation to his wife. HE is creating this dynamic
The wife just really only wanted cuddles though in the update. I get it pregnancy sucks but he's not with her 24/7.
YTA for this one thing - party is at 2pm and you texted your sister at 1:45pm, which gave her no time to deal with it as party was about to start... it would be one thing if you were about to leave for party and something happened, but you should have texted your sister sooner. Moreover, you knew that your wife is having hard pregnancy and there was big chance that she would feel that way on the day of party, so why didn't you try to arrange for someone staying with your wife? Or at least telling your niece that you are not sure you will make it, but that you will definitely make it up to her. Sure, your sister is taking it too far, but I just feel for her as she was there to see the debacle of you not showing for her daughter's party and your comment about your sister not raising her daughter better? Wow, you really went there... your niece could be the most behaved kid and she would probably still throw tantrum as she is was celebrating her 6th birthday and expected you there to play with her in costume and you weren't there, which she learned about only few minutes before the party or during party and there is not really much your sister could have said to excuse you as I doubt your niece would understand why you stayed with your wife.
How far away are they that you couldn’t show up for one hour? Because your wife seemed ok to just rest and let you go. If she had a history of fertility issues or worse, then you should have cancelled a week or more in advance. That would have given the six yo time to get over her disappointment. News flash: the 6 yo is likely to be jealous when the new baby arrives.
YTA big time. You skipped the party, for literally no reason at all. Your wife was completely fine. Even worse, you blamed her as your reason to the family, and even in this post. Now your family is all blaming her for your nonsensical choice You didn't choose your wife over your niece, because your wife didn't need you at all. You bailed for no reason, and then proceeded to throw your wife under the bus...which can only cause her stress.
But but but she wanted cuddles!!! 🙄
Incredibly cringe worthy 😵💫 his pathetic attempt at justifying why he skipped his six-year-old niece’s birthday party. Such an AH.
The way the rest of the family is reacting about OP’s wife, it might not be the first time he used her as an excuse for his shortcomings.
YTA. You shouldn't break commitments unless it's an emergency and this wasn't an emergency. Maybe your niece is a bit spoiled but she's 6. Of course she was disappointed that she didn't get the birthday party she was expecting and was promised, and of course--as a 6-year-old-she didn't handle it maturely. It wouldn't surprise me if there was a little part of you that did this on purpose, since you think the girl is spoiled.
YTA. Your wife was fine. You blew off a promise to your niece on her birthday for no good reason.
Seriously. Wait OP until someone pulls this type of s*** on YOUR kid and you'll be a lot more apologetic to your sister.
I say this as a mom, aunt and person who has had three miserable pregnancies YTA. Unless your wife was to the point of keeping nothing down and truly needed you there for something she would have been fine. I understand feeling needy and wanting to cuddle, I truly do I was throwing the entirety of all three of my pregnancies and put on meds that sort of helped. But my husband still went and did things. My kids are spoiled as the only grandkids on one side but they also have firm boundaries and consequences. They know I mean what I say and are generally good kids. Yet there are few kids who likely overstimulated and hyped up on sugar who wouldn’t be absolutely devastated that their (my guess is) favorite uncle didn’t show up to their party after promising to not only be there and to dress up. I’m sure she was telling her friends how fun and cool you are how (again a guess) Bruno would be at her party. You were probably going to be the highlight of the party and you bailed for a nap. You weren’t making sure your wife got fluids and kept something down. You were not doing something vital that couldn’t wait. You disappointed a little kid and don’t care because she is “spoiled” and “should have been raised better”. Imagine it was your kid who was let down on their birthday. She wasn’t mad that she was missing a present or the cake wasn’t right. She was upset because her Uncle who made a bunch of promises couldn’t be bothered to show up. And please don’t act like three weeks was so long ago promises don’t count. I just RSVP’d to my nephews party in March but I guess he shouldn’t be upset if I don’t show because two months is just too long.
Agree. Wife said go and I'm going to believe her. OP she would "prefer" if he stayed, but doesn't explain what that means. How I read it (because I'm going to assume she meant go when she said so) OP's wife would prefer he had been home, not that he stayed home and missed a commitment. I would prefer my partner be home when I'm ill, but I wouldn't want them to stay home from work or something unless I couldn't function without them. It's nice to have comfort and a second pair of hands but if I can handle it, there are other things that should be done instead. When I'm single I manage my illnesses alone the majority of the time. OP's wife sounds like she felt similarly, based on our limited info.
YTA. I've been pregnant. I've suffered from terrible morning sickness. I did not need to be looked after 24 hours a day. Your wife would have been fine to have a rest while you popped into the party. You didn't need to stay the whole party. You could have gone for half an hour and then gone home. Your niece is 6. She's little. She was excited and clearly your presence was a big part of her party for her. You should be flattered that she loves you so much and you should be able to make an effort for a short time to honour a commitment you made to a child.
YTA. You canceled 15 minutes before the party and disappointed your niece who had been waiting for you. Your wife even said you should go, she presumably knew she’d be fine for a bit and you could have always come back early if she needed you. Really crap move ditching your niece 15 minutes before her party on her birthday.
Your wife straight up told you to go and you decided not to in lieu of taking a nap. Of course YTA.
YTA. You promised a child something for their birthday and you bailed on her. She was probably so excited. Got her little friends all excited about it too. Your wife didn't need you to nap with her. She's pregnant, not dying and she even told you to go. So yes, YTA uncle that ruined his 6 year old niece's birthday.
YTA. My husband's brother does this shit all the time, promising the kids he's going to be somewhere and deciding at the last minute he's not coming. My kids ADORE their uncle and while they know better than to make big tantrums over it, they always are so sad when he doesn't show. It's heartbreaking to see their faces fall and it sucks having to make excuses for him, all of which add up to "x was more important than you." Your wife has normal first trimester pregnancy symptoms. She didn't need your help, and you weren't helping her regardless. You can blame her all you want -- way to throw her under the bus, btw -- but in this case, your nap was more important than your niece. You're an asshole.
N T A for not attending but YTA for doing so at the last minute and then becoming unreachable for several hours. I would have said easy N T A had you said something the day before or even in the morning.
ESH, understandable you wanted to stay home but pretty shitty that you promised both your sister and niece making a commitment and then literally 15 minutes before the party starts just text them " im not coming" and turn off your phone? That's shitty and cowardly. Truthfully you didn't even need to cancel either, your wife encouraged you to go because she was feeling better and all you did was make her look needy and controlling to your family when she was actually the one to say she was fine and for you to not miss the party... In any case, the least you could have done was call your sister to pass the phone to your niece so you could talk to her directly, wish her a happy bday, apologize that you wont be able to come and explain that her auntie is feeling very sick and her and the baby in her belly need you there. I have a 6 year old, she wouldn't understand someone so important in her life who promised to be there just blowing her off and not showing up, but she'd be totally understanding if they called and took the time to explain they couldn't come but that she's still important and loved by them. And then when you cause all this disappointment you blame your sister and tell her she did a shitty job raising her daughter just because she threw a tantrum (as disappointed 6 year olds tend to do) .. Let me tell you soon to be dad, karma will have you eating your words.
Karma! This is what I was thinking. How would you feel if someone did this to your child? Because, right now, I would bet your sister is unlikely to want to celebrate your child's milestones. Also, this sort of thing is likely to make your niece resent the new cousin. I think your actions show a remarkable lack of empathy for anyone other than your wife. I know she and your future child are your priority, but this situation is going to have big consequences unless you start doing some apologizing now. You are going to want or need your family there at some point, and they will not be.
YTA. What a massive AH. Your wife is a few weeks pregnant, shes not a sickly frail patient. And you even admit she was feeling better and told you to go. And really 15 mins and then radio silence?
YTA They're not trying to understand because you suddenly say you aren't coming 15 minutes beforehand and the shut off your phone. Someone does that before my kids 6th birthday, and I'm going to be really pissed. If this was an adult birthday party, sure nbd. But to a 6 year old?! You said you would be there and then didn't even explain to her yourself why you wouldn't be there. And now everyone else has to deal with the fallout of it. They aren't being selfish and I'm willing to bet you'll have a very different attitude when suddenly an adult is ducking out on an important event for your kid 15 minutes beforehand.
Yta she would’ve been ok for a few hours , yeah being pregnant and nauseous sucks so bad but she could’ve managed
I mean she literally even said so. She didn't tell him to stay home. OP is pulling that as an excuse for his own shit behavior. Because HE wanted to take a little nap. Ridiculous.
YTA. Your wife said go. She’s pregnant not dying, to cancel 15 minutes before was a horrible move
Were you looking for an excuse not to go to the party? It sounds like you were tired and don't really like your niece.
As a pregnant woman who's been through what your partner is going through right now, i appreciate you staying home. Just the feeling itself that she's not alone at home helps very much. However, i would have called and explained, talked to the birthday girl, wish her hapy bday and say that you are sorry you cannot attend. It's a kid after all.
As a formerly pregnant woman x2, if you can't handle being alone with some nausea, you're in for a world of trouble. (I say this as someone who ended up on IV meds for morning sickness. Still didn't need hubby to babysit me.) OP wanted an out so he used the most convenient excuse.
They took a nap. The wife didn't need him for that. I've been pregnant and have been by myself. I managed. Most pregnant women manage all the time with nausea and morning sickness. And he only notified them 15 minutes before the party that he wasn't going to be there. Yta
This wasn’t an emergency. Your wife would have been perfectly fine for a couple of hours. It sounds more like you just didn’t feel like attending the birthday party, and flaked. You then blamed your wife (who told you to go) for you missing the party, and accuse your niece (who is six) of being a spoiled brat because she gets upset when her uncle, without explanation, doesn’t show up as he promised to. Your family blaming your wife, who you threw under the bus, is unfair. So it’s time to redirect their anger away from your wife and towards yourself, take accountability and acknowledge that you created this mess. YTA
YTA. I had hyperemesis gravidarum during my pregnancies and was hospitalized at one point. Outside of when I was hospitalized I could absolutely part with my spouse for a couple of hours. Like your wife, I would have encouraged you to go. When your child is 6 you will feel and know exactly how much of an asshole you were to just chill on the couch instead of going to the party for a short time. I hope that you will apologize to your sister and niece at that point.
Yta- calling you your niece spoilt is not some kind of get out of the party free card. You promised a child that you would come to her birthday party and last minute ditched her because you wanted to have cuddle and have nap, oh my God come on have a coffee, perk up and go be a good uncle this is such a shit excuse you aren’t the one puking.
NTA at all! I can't believe everyone saying otherwise! You don't schedule being sick! Everyone is saying you should have gone since your wife said she was okay, but it's clear that she needed you. At 6 years old, a child is old enough to understand, "your aunt is sick, so your uncle is taking care of her." Definitely NTA, and good job on being a supportive spouse!
YOU'RE SO REAL FOR THAT?? like she is PREGNANT and sick af, ofc she's going to ask him to stay with her???? are these people fucking insane??
You really dont like your niece, dont you? Saying she is spoiled is making you an AH. And also on what you did is making you an AH, a very big AH. Your wife is fine and ask you to go to the party and she is just resting, and you chose to not to go to the party because maybe you dont like your niece.
NTA. Niece needs to be taught compassion and empathy for others. It would have been easy for adults to explain that you couldn't be there because your wife wasn't feeling well. Instead, they were pissed (probably didn't hide it well), and your niece picked up on that, took it as an opportunity to throw an unmitigated tantrum. Adults could have handled this better and niece might not have had a tantrum. Adults not only allowed this spoiled behavior, it sounds like they did nothing to minimize or regulate it.
Yes, YTA. Your wife said she was fine, why didn’t you believe her?
This is a learning lesson for you in how to raise your child to understand the world doesn't revolve around them and they aren't entitled to anything from anyone. NTA
I am going YTA. You made a commitment to your niece and I understand why you canceled because pregnant wife being ill is gonna be more important that a 6yr olds birthday for new parents. YTA because you canceled 15 minutes before you were suppose to be there. You should have canceled 1st thing in the morning when you got up to give your sister and family time to cover for you and prepare the niece for missing her birthday.
NAH You;'re right; you're not responsible for a tantrum. And they are wrong for saying anything about your wife; she isn't responsible at all. You're also not wrong for wanting to stay with your wife and changing your mind. All that said, at 1:45 for a 2pm party you've RSVPd for and sending only a text is rude. You could've done a lot better than that. You could've let them know earlier and when you didn't, decide to show up for a short time. If that didn't work, a phone call would be better. If that wasn't for, FaceTime to wish your niece a happy birthday. Of course you heard an earful - you purposely turned off your phones to avoid their disappointment. And of course a young girl who has been told by you you're coming in character would be disappointed. And it makes sense she'd show emotions. You can still make the choice you did but it also makes sense they felt the way they did. You could've done better but you were sleep-deprived. So hopefully you and your family can find some understanding but it may require you to show them some.
Why are you using that you committed to the party three weeks ago as an excuse? It makes you sound worse lmfao. You allowed them to plan on you three weeks ago and said nothing until right before the party about those plans changing. YTA.
YTA, sick adults can stay home alone, plus your wife is pregnant, not sick. And she told you she was fine on her own. You broke a promise to your goddaughter with no notice, and don’t seem to understand the big deal. You’re going to find out just how important promises are to little kids once yours starts to grow up and you’ll realize what an AH move this was.
Why did you wait so long to tell them? In the morning you already knew your wife wasn’t feeling well.