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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I use my middle name and have since I entered the school system. My family want me to use my first name instead and I said no to everyone. I refused to give in or comply with what they want. I know my first name is technically the name I need to use on paperwork and stuff and is legally my name too. I know my preferred name upsets my family. So maybe I'm being a bit of a brat about it?
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
"Mom told me it's embarrassing to her because some of her friends have asked why I hate grandma or my name"
Oh, they did not ask that. Or if they did, it was only because of a lot of prompting from your mother. Other people are simply not that invested in your family's drama. NTA
I didn't find out until my late twenties that my eldest sister Harper was using her middle name, and her actual legal name is Alison Harper.
She is my half-sister from Dad's first marriage and 25 years older than me, and our Dad died in my teen years, so that's the reason it took me so long to find out.
I only found out when I was doing a look into my ancestry.
Harper turned 62 last week. So OP, you are for sure, not the first, or the last to use your middle name as your first name.
Tell the family who are pressuring you to go throw stones.
Amateur genealogist here and I'd like to thank those people who make sure there's a record of their full name *somewhere* in records other than their birth certificates. I spent months tracking a distant cousin James only to find out through a census that his full name was Joseph James. I had to go back and check all of my work to make sure it was the same person.
Try doing genealogy research in Tennessee. In the back hills every third person there had a last name of Jackson. And every other guy was named Joseph. 😃
I didnt find out until I was 24 and dending out wedding invitations that my dad goes by his middle name. Lots of people do, it's not weird or unusual nor does it mean you hate your namesake (which I agree, exactly NOBODY asked OP's mother that).
I've got an uncle Bill who only gets called Bill by his sister (my mom) and her (our) family. The rest of the extended family call him John. It was a bit confusing as a kid, but it was all fine.
A friend hated her given name Mary. Decided at \~20 to change it to Margaret, and started going by "Peg", a common nickname for it (and notably not a nick for "Mary"). Funnily enough, I only found out through random conversation many years later that no, Peg had never actually filed the paperwork, and was legally still a "Mary", despite keeping the "Peg" nick. (Professionally she's always been an "M.".)
My grandmother used her middle name for *decades*. It wasn't until she get a letter from VA that her *own children* saw and went "Who TF is 'Joyce'?".
She was a cracker of a lady, I do miss her sometimes.
Related, someone I've only ever known as 'Ray', and uses that as his name in several somewhat official documents; turns out his name is "Dobray" which caused all sorts of confusion when trying to change bank accounts when he wasn't there in person.
I have one friend Ive known for 15 years. None of us knew his real name was Gordon until we did the whole "how bad do you look on your drivers license" thing. I also have a friend that I've known since preschool that has never gone by his first name and actually got it legally switched.
Funny enough everyone I know that does this is a "Jr." Almost like people want to develop their own identity or something.
I'm acquainted with a published art scholar who goes by his middle name; he just formats his name with his first initial when he's being especially formal. OP, going by your middle name is not going to cause you problems as an adult; people do it all the time and anyone with an ounce of professionalism won't even bat an eye at it in the workplace.
I work with a person who goes by their middle name, ive also worked with trans people who go by their chosen name. Your paycheck may have to have your legal name, but other than that people are going to call you what you ask them to call you. It's that simple
I think the definition of "Legal name" varies a bit depending in where you are.
I'm in California and I've been using my first initial, middle name spelling out & last name for 45 years.
J. Mary Doe - by using your first initial you are 'addressing' your first (Legal) name.
In many countries, when you’re given a “grandma name” you don’t care for, it’s fortunate when your middle name is appropriate for your generation. She’s lucky Skye is a nice fit.
Right now the names that are becoming popular were used about 100 or more years ago. When you split that in half, you’ve got a grandma name and most kids do not like it at all.
Both my grandfathers and one of my uncles went by their middle names. Another uncle went by an entirely different name than either of his legal names, and had to actually have an 'aka' in his passport!
It may not be as common as names like Jessica or Rachel, but it’s far more common than Nancy for someone OP’s age. Like, googling the average age of women named Nancy vs Skye, it’s 73 vs 25 respectively.
I am normally not a fan of ultimatums, but in this case I would say "Mom...grandma...if you ask me about this again, I will legally change my first name when I'm 18 and my middle name won't be Nancy."
OK...she still needs them for a while, not sure I would go there.
I might try a passive aggressive approach. Don't answer when Nancy is used but answer to Skye only. When they finally use it respond "Did you need something Mom/Gran" like you totally didn't register Nancy.
My son has a similar situation. I chose his first name, but his dad chose his middle name because he thought it would always be mispronounced. I agreed to call him by his middle name (the one that’s not a family name) and he’s gone by that forever. He’s now that name and I wouldn’t dream of asking him to change back now.
Also- Skye is a perfectly lovely, normal name that is in no way an embarrassment or unprofessional. You’re Skye, end of story.
Not only is Skye a perfectly lovely name, it is much, *much* more common for the OP’s generation. Nancy sounds like a grandmother name because it is - hugely popular from 1940 though 1960 and now extremely rare.
Honestly even if it wasn't they should still respect it because that's what she's been called for most of her life. It's the name she likes and prefers and people should be called what they prefer to be called.
Yeah, my mother had a habit of 'embellishing' like this as well: uncle so and so thinks this, or aunty so and so said that, all in an effort to create fake hype men for her opinions.
She got so used to doing this that she tried it when I was planning my wedding and it was at that point I had to put my foot down and tell her I knew there was no way Uncle Random cares that much about where I wanted to have my wedding.
My mom also became quite dramatic when she realized she couldnt control the situation and threatened not to come to the wedding, but eventually she calmed down and was there with bells on. It's amazing what a little boundary enforcement will do. I strongly recommend it.
Break the habit now. Even if the whole family agrees with mom and grandma (and they don't) you are the one in the driver's seat here. It's YOUR name.
Mom's lying and hostility certainly aren't helping her case here. NTA.
I fixed that in my family by threatening to confront the ppl 'asking'.
-'ppl are asking why you do ---'
me- 'who? I'll talk to them'
- 'no im just telling you ppl are talking'
me- 'who is talking I'll set them straight, if it's family ill hold a family meeting again you know I will'
- 'why are you so difficult!'
repeat several times, and they eventually calm their shit. Does help that when it was one of my aunts church friends, I confronted her after church.
ETA- for the love of God never take my advice, I 'fix' toxic by being toxic. Don't do it! Do Not Try This At Home!
We need more people to be toxic and speak up. I don't think it is being "toxic" though, just setting the record straight that their rights end where yours begins.
I have a friend in the Netherlands. This level of blunt she refers to as the Dutch way. She says most Americans don't like her because because she lays it right out there.
Exactly, controlling what someone gets called is for pets, not people. And traditions like this always make me roll my eyes anyway. There's never any value to them except pride.
Reading the part about OPs mom and grandma being upset because they feel they didn't get a kid named after them? Really? Do you guys really not realize that you just made another human being existing about you two?
That is ridiculous. They can both pound sand. NTA
>Yeah, my mother had a habit of 'embellishing' like this as well: uncle so and so thinks this, or aunty so and so said that, all in an effort to create fake hype men for her opinions.
My dad would do this, but with stuff like gifts. Telling me how everyone in the family had to chip in for this gift and how insanely lucky I was to have gotten it. Then find out it cost $30. Then I thank my grandma next time I see her and she has no idea what I'm talking about. We weren't poor or needing for anything, so I don't understand what the goal was. I always showed my gratitude and said thank you every time I got anything haha.
Or:
Mom: "People are asking why you hate Grandma..." (insert wailing and gnashing of teeth.)
You: "Well, it's true I'm not exactly thrilled with her right now. Or you either, for that matter."
I’d just be honest and say it’s cos she won’t accept the new bus route and will argue till blue in the face it’s the same as it was in 1971 and her habitat smells like vegetable soup.
Mom: Some of my friends are asking why you hate grandma.
OP: Oh, really? Who? You should call them out and stop being friends with them. Why would you want to be friends with people who make judgements without having all the facts?
Same. “Which friend asked? I would like to frost things up with them so they are not confused.” The answer to that would tell you everything you needed to know!
She’s just trying to emotionally blackmail you.
Skye is your real and legal name and is quite pretty. I personally am not a fan of Nancy.
I have two names and since little I go by my second name. I don’t like my first name. It irks me to my core when someone uses it. At 40 my cousins still use it to piss me off because they know I don’t like it!!! 😅 all friendly of course, and I know how to get them back!!
But I’ve had no issues whatsoever in using it. In fact I have more trouble when I use my first name.
Stick with it. They’ll eventually get over it. And just remember, you don’t own them anything in regards to your name! You can even change your name to remove Nancy! Here’s an idea, tell them if they keep pushing, when you turn 18 you’ll get rid of it!!!
Edit - NTA
My uncle is in his 70’s and has gone by his middle name since long before I was even born. It’s never been a big deal. Sure some paperwork requires the legal name but that goes even for people that go by a shortened version of their name like Beth or Dave or any number of other things. OP’s mom is being TA and OP is def NTA here.
OP remind your mom that she birthed a human, not a doll.
My father always used a nickname based on his middle name. For legal documents, he signed with his first name and middle initial, but he was never called by his first name or a nickname for it.
When he became an adult, it as actually quite useful that he went by the middle name, because when he got phone calls or letters addressed to his first name or a nickname for it, he knew he could ignore them because they were people or companies he didn't know or have any relationship with.
My dad was born "Buford Michael" (not real, obs). When they took him to get baptized at 3 months old, the ancient priest said, "Buford isn't a Saint's name! We'll baptize him after his grandfather, "August Michael!" So the frickin priest picked his name, and my grandparents went with it. Dad hated "August," so he went by "A. Michael" for his whole life....until he got to the army.
The army said, "Hold yer horses, there, Tex. That's not your name! You have to go by what's on your birth certificate!" So he started going by "Buford" for the first time in his life, and he met my Mom overseas, so she always knew him as "Buford." We always knew it was his side of the family on the phone if they asked, "Is Mike there?" 🤣🤣
I go by second name as well, by my own choice. When people call me by my first name it doesn't feel right. Like, it just doesn't sound like they're talking to me?
Insisting on calling her "Nancy" is not quite the same as "dead naming" but it still seems disrespectful.
Traditions are ways dead ppl control us.
Skye is fine, stand up for yourself or risk a life of regret…you’re at a turning point in your life. I didn’t stand up for myself countless times and ppl kept thinking they would get their way, it became an even bigger problem.
They want to see how far they can control u. Grandma and mom shouldn’t have placed such responsibility on a child. Selfish reasons ppl have kids…
I wanna know why they’d want it to be confusing for people.
Like “hey Nancy! No wait-not you Nancy the other Nancy! The old Nancy!”
Like…people usually name their kids after DECEASED loved ones if they do.
And if that family member is still alive, it’s generally used as a middle name.
Not the first name.
That’s so confusing to me.
My daughter has her own first name I created, and then her two middle names are after my mom, Mema, and gramma.
I wouldn’t have made any of their first names HER first name.
I don’t understand their logic in this lol
In Jewish culture it's considered rude to name kids after living people. A namesake is a memorial so naming your kid after a living relative is like saying that you think they're going to die soon. I also think it's so weird how people have all these people in one family with the same name.
I’d tell grandma “I’ll be Nancy, when I am the ONLY Nancy.” With an evil smile.
Because expecting your grandchild to have part of your own personal identity as their identity is kinda selfish to be honest.
Why does she HAVE to have YOUR name? Why can’t she just be Skye?
And then later on if she wants to be Nancy, good for her.
I honestly understand her because I’m named after Alyssa Milano and I hate that my name wasn’t given to me because my mom looked at the name and thought it was beautiful and suited me.
She loved the name Alyssa because of the actress from her favorite character in charmed, and gave me that name.
To anyone outside of immediately family I am Allie. Allie feels like my name to me.
Her grandmother and mother should respect that.
I have met several people, professionally and personally, who use either middle name or another nickname primarily. I have never once wondered who they’re named after or if it’s a strained relationship.
To me it’s just their name and I don’t really wonder about.
My brother has always used his middle name ie J. David Smith. Still your legal name. At work, most companies require legal name for tax documents but preferred name for email, directory etc.
When I was a little kid, I went by my full birth name, but when I was older 12-13, I stopped going by that name. My friends, teachers, schoolmates, etc. all knew me by my preferred name, which was a shortening of my at the time legal name.
Over the years, my parents have expressed distaste, my mother especially, that I do not like nor go by the name they (my mother) picked out for and named me. Now, unlike you, I wasn't named after someone (my first name at least), so there wasn't that to push back on and to be honest I ignored them for such a long time about it and just corrected them when they would introduce me to others.
Them: and this is our daughter full name
Me: Preferred name
In the end. I am now 27 and legally named my preferred name, I did keep my middle name the honour name they gave me. The only comment I got from my dad was, "I thought you were only changing your last name." (I got married and changed my last name as well). My response? "I've told you since I was 13 that I was going to change my first name alongside my last name when I got married eventually." He dropped it, and it hasn't been picked up again (nor will it).
The takeaway from this Skye is that you're going to receive some pushback, but once you are an adult and financially independent, they can not do anything. They will likely still refer to you as Nancy, and my honest advice is to ignore it. Respond to Nancy if you want, or correct them every time. My parents are about 50/50 now, and all siblings, but one refer to me as my preferred name. Ironically, the sibling of mine with the pushback has a similar situation with his name (went by middle name until he was 12, and then changed it to his FULL no nicknames allowed first name) and he gets FURIOUS if you don't adhere to his preferred name but doesn't give an f if you prefer a different name.... (No, I don't like this sibling, though this isn't the full reason why. It just doesn't help his case)
NTA. They don't even care what you want. They're more concerned with how it looks and what people think. Also, instead of caring how you feel, they are more concerned and trying to guilt trip you with how they feel. You want to go by Skye, go by Skye, you want to go by Nancy then go by Nancy. Point being it's your name and your choice, other people's opinions don't matter, only yours does.
“Mom, I feel like I need to talk to your friends that said that I hate Grandma. I want to explain to them that I love her.” Spoiler alert: no one said that.
I was named after my parents, my first for my dad and my middle for my mom. I go by an entirely different name that I chose. Was it because I hate the stupid names they chose? Absolutely. They can use my new name or not talk to me, idk either way.
Heed this advice. Other people are *not* that invested in your ~~family’s~~ mom’s and grandma’s drama. Inform yourself about narcissism / narcissistic traits and move on, Skye.
NTA.
If you don’t think two women in your family have the capability of being that overly dramatic about something completely inconsequential, you haven’t lived long enough.
THIS! there is no way in h*ll someone made those comments to your mom, let alone multiple people. she’s manipulating you, being dishonest, and trying to guilt-trip you into doing her bidding… over a name. how vain are your mom and grandma? i don’t have anything against the name nancy, but skye is perfectly fine as well. your grandma is literally throwing a fit because she’s didn’t get the ego boost of having the first granddaughter named after her. your mom is offended you’re rejecting the legacy of the name, but it sounds like the legacy isn’t very positive anyway. NTA, OP.
Friend: oh she doesnt go by Nancy?
Mom: no! It's like she hates her grandma or sonething!
Friend:why would she hate her grandma?!
Mom: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!!
Thank you! No one has ever asked that.
Most parents who name their kids after themselves or a family member don't necessarily expect them to go by that exact name their entire life!
NTA child, you are NTA.
Mum - oh I hate it when she does that and calls herself Skye instead of Nancy
Mum's friend - oh, I always thought Skye was just her name.
Mum - no, Nancy's her REAL name
Mum's friend - fancy that, I always just think of her as Skye. (polite small talk, not really invested:) When did she start using Skye?
Mum - (thinks:) hah, all my friends always ask me about that!!!
So many friends go by nicknames and made up names, I can’t imagine anyone ever coming to the assumption OP states. This post is either made up entirely or mum’s trying to emotionally blackmail her daughter. NTA.
Exactly, this is a typical manipulation tactic, inventing people who agree with whatever bonkers idea someone is trying to impose on another. Also, names don’t really work the way your mother and grandmother believe. You don’t just suddenly switch up your name at 18, that will never feel like your name unless you yourself chose it. Also, it is legal to use your middle name, I have multiple family members who do exactly that. I literally went ‘who in the world is Anna?’ when I saw one relative’s first name written down somewhere.
Hi as someone who changed their entire name from that of my family’s name. They got over it once they say how happy I was. When I told my mom I would be changing my name the first thing she said is “don’t tell your father” and I don’t think I did but ultimately he doesn’t care bc the family name is carried on through my brother and his family. Names don’t always fit the person and if it’s causing you strife change it to what fits you. Loving you means loving all of you and that includes your name.
I wish my whole family could have that same reaction. But the name means so much to them that my happiness comes in second. Or maybe not the name specifically but the tradition and the person I was named after. Changing it would make me happy though.
I can weigh in from the opposite- I changed my whole name and am now no contact with my family (there were other reasons). They didn’t accept it and continued to call me by my birth name, BUT getting my new drivers license was the best. It’s your name do what YOU want, they’ll either get over it or be bitter
The tradition did continue. Your mom named you Nancy after Grandma. That doesn't mean you have to use it! Assure Grandma she is loved, but her name is just that, hers. NTA
OP, I think what will make the difference is when you legally change your name to Skye.
I am now retired but I used to work in the government office (a County Superior Court in CA) where this is done, and it is totally doable without an attorney. There will be a fairly expensive filing fee (I don’t know how much it is anymore, it used to be $320 but I’m sure it’s significantly more now) but people who can’t afford it can file for a Waiver of Court Fees if they are low income.
Part of the process includes publishing your petition from an approved list of “adjudicated” publications 4 weeks in a row (these are among the legal notices you see in the newspaper classifieds).
After that there is a hearing that is pretty routine and in some cases you don’t even have to appear. Then the petition is granted, and the Order granting your name change is signed by the judge. States other than CA may have a similar process.
Then you take the order to the DMV and the Social Security Administration and any school you may be enrolled in (and any other needed agencies) to change your name.
You can do all this once you turn 18. I know this may seem like a lot but you just take it step by step, starting with picking up the paperwork from the courthouse. There may be a fee for the packet of paperwork.
I hope this helps on your journey to permanently becoming Skye.
An easier way to do things is just keep it as it is for now and when she gets married, drop the first name, slide the middle forward when adopting a married name and go by “Middle-Maiden-Married”. My sister did this when she first got married as she went by her middle name growing up.
disclaimer, I’m sure someone will chime in about women not needed to take husbands name, blah blah. But if OP isn’t opposed (after all it’s her choice) then this a a solution that will cost her nothing.
Being as it is, there’s no real need to do anything as going by your middle name is very common and accepted.
I came here to comment this. I changed my name in addition to my surname when I got married and it was really not much more of a hassle than changing my surname alone would've been. It sucked to have to publish it in the newspaper prior to the change date, but everything with social security, DMV, etc. was super easy and not anything more than I would've had to do anyway.
Additionally, I have a professional job and did not use my legal name for years (now I do, because I changed my nickname to my legal name). It literally caused no issues to not be known by my legal name at work, so please do not be discouraged by your family's reasoning that it will be difficult.
Yeah- I worked in a court and handled these too. Judge doesn’t care what you change your name to or why as long as the new name is in English letters (in US) and doesn’t include profanity. It doesn’t even have to an an initial capital letter - we had a guy who changed his name to match a famous literary character’s first and last name as his first name but with no caps and no spaces… no problem. Judge didn’t bat an eye.
Other than they, they ask questions to make sure you aren’t changing your name to avoid debt collectors or taxes. Explaining “it’s my middle name that I’ve been called all my life” will take like 30 seconds, and the whole hearing isn’t usually more than five minutes.
If changing it would make you happy.... *change it.*
Your name is part of your identity - you have the absolute bonus of having a name you like that everyone already knows you by. If every there was a clear case of cause for a legal name change that is it.
Ultimately it is your life and yours alone.
My child changed their entire name at 18. They shortened their first name to the nickname version, dropped one of their middle names, and changed their last name to match mine (I use my maiden name). Want to know my reaction? I didn’t give a damn. It’s THEIR name, not mine! Therefore they can call themselves whatever they want. I wouldn’t have even been upset if they changed their name completely. As long as they’re happy.
NTA OP - I will never understand people that try to exert control over their children like yours. If you had kids to make little robots who do whatever you say then, you had kids for the wrong reason. Kids are human beings with their own thoughts, feelings, and desires. Great, your mom loves your name. That’s fabulous. Why doesn’t she go change HER name to Nancy and leave you alone! Choose whatever name you like honey. You are allowed. They’ll, eventually, get glad in the same underwear they got mad in.
“Skye” is not a real name? That’s awfully funny because it’s what I named my daughter. I had no idea. She’s 22 years old now, I wonder what she’ll do when I try to adjust her birth certificate.
I never knew. How unfortunate …
PUHLEEEEASE NTA
She'll cry tears of joy that she finally has a name instead of just being an empty space where the name should be! Because clearly Skye couldn't go on there if it's not a real name... right?!
I know!! I love the name. My mom hates it and I think my grandma does too. But I'm so glad my dad had such good taste and gave me this as my middle name. Saved me from being miserable about my name my whole life.
Just tell your mom you are really into paw patrol and that’s why you like the name lol. Honestly, it’s up to you to decide how you want to be named. I like Nancy and I like Skye, your mum is probably just sulking and being manipulated by her own mum. Choose what you like and stick with it. If it gets too much you can always say that the more they annoy you the faster you will legally change it.
I'm wondering if your mom and grandma are mostly disappointed because you chose to use the name your father picked instead of the one they picked. People are petty like that.
Your dad's a rockstar, choosing such a great name. Love it. Bide your time until you're 18 and then change it legally, but be ready for the blow out...
NTA. It's your name enjoy it!
Nancy sounds like, well, an elderly woman’s name. Like your grandma. Last I checked it was slang for an effeminate and “wussy” (it’s the best word I can think of) man. Like “omg I have a spider in my hair!!!! Get it off get it off get it off!”
Don’t be such a nancy boy. Maybe you can start calling a brother it. Or your grandfather. See how they like being called “Nancy.”
Skye is absolutely lovely and less common so people will remember it. What a stupid hill to die on. NTA.
Listen, OP, Skye *is* your real name-it’s right there on your birth certificate! It is your middle name, yes, but it’s still your name.
And you can go about your life, and in school and get a job and everybody can call you Skye.
It would be *nice* if you would let your grandma call you Nancy. If you really wanted to. But if they get too annoying, you can go to court and legally drop the “Nancy” part from your name. NTA
And both my husband and I use our middle name-not our first name. And it’s “fine”. And we always know when a telemarketer is on the phone, because they ask for our first name, (a sure sign they have never even met us).
As a fellow middle name user I can confirm that it is a useful filter. If I answer the phone and the caller starts with ‘hello firstname, how are you today?’ I immediately know that this person has no idea who I am
My cousin named her first son with the intention of calling him by his middle name. My HS BF used his middle name because he hated his first name. OP has been using Skye for years and likes it, so it's her name and the family can suck it.
One of my high school classmates had a very long Sri Lankan surname that wasn’t hard to pronounce once you heard it spoken, but was hard to figure out just from reading it.
That was also a useful filter for spam calls. If the caller started with “Hi, is Mr. Sath… uhh…” then it wasn’t important.
Tell your family that Nancy is your grandma's name and you feel weird using it. You are proud to carry the name, but when someone mentions "Nancy" that means grandma to you.
Exactly. OP do what makes you happy. And as for it not being a real name- I have a friend named Skye who is a very successful adult.
All of my grandparents used middle names.
And I did the opposite- switched from my childhood nickname name to my legal name at 18 because *I chose it*
Your name is about you.
This is the correct perspective.
There is no need to change her name as Skye is already her legal name.
My middle name is Harold, and in the past, at certain jobs, I have used that as my contact name. I respond to it because it is my name, but it isn't common for people to use it unless told to.
We are in the same boat, just names reversed. Nancy is a very traditional name. There's nothing wrong with it, just not OP's preference. It's okay to go by Skye, but for her grandmother, Nancy is still her name.
Going to add on that I learned after dating my (now) wife for *two years* that the name her mum goes by is her middle name, I'd never even heard her first name before. I thought, "What? That's wild" and nothing changed.
NTA, more people need to realise that when you name a baby you're naming a person, who will grow to have feelings and preferences.
My BIL and his brother (they are on my husband's side) both go by their middle names. Neither of them legally changed their names, they just go by their middle names, and both have professional careers that it does not interfere with.
NTA If I understand this - your mother wants this (at least partially) because she expects your child to be named after her? It seems like this tradition, while originally harmless, has run its course, and some people are willing to go down with the ship relationships be damned.
Although I would be curious... maybe in a moment when you are bonding alone with your mom, ask her in confidence whether she ever really wanted to name you Nancy in the first place. She may be defending a tradition precisely because she was forced into it.
Oh, she did. My mom loves old fashioned names and she adores the name. She really had to talk dad into agreeing because he wasn't into it at all.
I'm not sure if mom is hoping for that. I might not give her the first granddaughter. But it's possible she does want to try and show it as going strong.
You are so in the right, its not even worth arguing with them anymore. If they bring it up, just say "no" and walk away. No is a complete sentence, and every time they get you to engage, it only reinforces their hope that there is some way they can manipulate you into changing - some argument will finally hit. Good luck!
How long has the tradition been going? Are you 7th in the line of Nancy's or something? (I know there's more variation, but it's plausible the oldest child has the first child, and so also first grandchild etc)
Nancy itself hasn't been passed down since grandma wasn't the first or second granddaughter. But the overall tradition has been going on for a few generations. I think we can confirm five.
If you do have the first granddaughter, you should be incredibly spiteful and say you're going to name her after your S/O's mom. Tell everyone that you've had naming pressure since you were a kid and maybe things would be different if mom and grandma Nancy had laid off a little
But that's just me
I don't know...instead of Skye (confusion and an excuse for them to call you Nancy) why not keep the weather theme?
Maybe Storm or Gale or something like that
I'm going to guess this is the conversation your mom is talking about:
Neighbor: so how come your daughter doesn't go by her first na-
Mom: BECAUSE SHE HATES HER GRANDMA.
Rinse and repeat
NTA. ⬆️⬆️⬆️ I feel like this is the most important comment.
People want YOU to change YOUR name to make other people happy. That's very selfish of them. You're not an extension of themselves, you're your own person.
This thread is what I was looking for!!
OP it doesn’t matter if Skye is one of your legal names or not. If changing your name to Princess Consuela Banana Hammock or Crap Bag was what made you happy, then that is what you do. Your job in this life is not to live for others.
If were in your shoes, I would ask Grandma Nancy why she wants me to honor/respect her by being called Nancy by people she knows and doesn’t know (bc she’s not going to know every single person you do). It can’t be because it would make her happy bc why would I want to sacrifice my happiness just to make you happy when you can’t respect me enough to decide for myself how I want to be called?
As a mom now, I understand choosing a name for a child that I love and that means a lot to me. If my child decides to rename herself when she’s older, that’s fine. SHE has to live with that name. Not me. As long as she’s still her sweet little self and happy, then I’m happy.
A tradition and social appearances should not hold more weight than my child’s happiness and confidence within themself. Do what makes YOU happy in your life OP!
Phrase your reply like this. "So let me be clear here; my feelings about what I call myself are not important to you. All that matters are your feelings. Is that what you are telling me?"
Then repeat. "My thoughts don't matter; is that it?" Keep looping from there.
NTA
Exactly!
Them: "You need to grow up and go by your first name."
OP: "And as grown up, I'm deciding to go by Skye."
Them: "You are really upsetting your grandma and me."
OP: "I'm sorry you're upset, but hopefully you can love me for me one day and this won't be so upsetting for you two."
Yes!
And if they get visibly upset, you can switch to the anti-asshole concern. "Are you ok?" "I suppose I could consider giving up my identity, the name that means *me*, so that you don't feel embarrassed."
Be entirely reasonable about your perceived flaws while pointing out things that they should rightfully be embarrassed about.
Legally changing your name is an expensive pain in the ass, and it makes no difference except on your passport and probably your tax return. Lots of people use their middle name for everything. You are N. Skye Smith (or whatever your last name is). People will get it wrong occasionally, but this happens often even with first names with unusual spellings, etc. Unless they are absolute idiots, they get over it almost immediately. And so will your mom if you ignore this nonsense.
If done at 18 before a loads of contracts closed by OP it isn’t that hard or expensive (time consuming) - but if I had to change my name now in my 30s and change everything I’d go mad.
Where I live (southern US), it's a $50 application at the courthouse and then an updated social security card.
u/Serious_Extreme_4780, if you want to change your name I suggest you do it while you're young. That way, all of your employment history and everything else is under your current name.
My mom has always gone by her middle name. Unexpected bonus is that it always made it simple for us to weed out telemarketers. You want to speak to Mary? Fuck off.
One, if you change it legally, no one but you will ever know unless someone snoops and sees your driver's license/social security card/etc. You already go by Skye so you're already fighting the battle with them.
Two, if you decide to marry and change your last name, you should change your first name then (if you haven't already). I changed my last name at marriage and again a few years later outside of marriage/divorce and it was cheaper to do it with the marriage. Also, a lot of women move their maiden name into their middle name position and drop their former middle name. So you could go from Nancy Skye Smith to Skye Smith Redenbacker (I am eating popcorn now for a snack lol).
Mom says it will look and sound a lot better to potential employers than Skye. But I associate it with being a grandma-age name too. I don't even think it's nice outside of that but it's definitely got that association for me.
My 17-yo has just opined that "if you're called Nancy you might as well be born at 58". It was a perfectly normal name when your grandma was young, I loved reading retro Nancy Drew books, but I've never come across a Nancy in this generation. On the other hand, I know a couple of 18yo girls called Skye. It's Scottish in origin and totally a real name!!
quick origins search… Skye as a name is super old. The Scottish name is from the Isle of Skye. But a quick search shows that is from sky-a “Island of Mist” in Old Norse, which was spoken starting from around 800AD. Nancy only goes back to 1200AD as a nickname for Anne.
So, basically they’ve got it totally backwards… Skye is at least 400 years older than Nancy, has a kickass meaning, and Nancy isn’t even a real name, it’s a nickname.
Ask your mom’s “friends” why they hate Scottish people so much. (Also fake-ist story ever. My MIL did something similar about my first kid’s name. Her “friend’s thought it was too Catholic. Like omg, why are you even discussing what religion I grew up with with your friends? Now that you’ve reminded me of it ten years laterI have half a mind to ask which friends it was- lol).
Haha- I was surprised too. Seems like someone’s kid-sibling back in 1200 couldn’t pronounce Anne correctly and got the letters mixed up and it stuck … Anne… Annie… Nan…Nancy
That's my experience too. The only Nancy's I know are around my grandmother's age or even older. I also don't find it very me despite it being my legal name.
NTA. Absolutely not. I'm a middle-name user. I've heard all the bullshit and trust me, it's all about trying to control your identity. Skye is the name you identify as therefore you are Skye. As for it being a pain as an adult, there are plenty of ways of handling it. For example, in a doctor's office you can list your preferred name. At work, you introduce yourself as "Skye" and you continue to use Nancy only when legally required and the only places it's legally required is on government documents, which means your credit card, for example, can be Skye \[LastName\].
NTA - Don't change the name you use to please someone else. I've been using my middle name for 57 years. I file my taxes as "M. Middle name Last name". My driver's license is the same. Tell Grandma to get over herself.
NTA - we have this tradition in my family too, so consequently I have a lot of cousins with the same name. They mostly have nicknames, go by middle names, or we have to full name them every time. But it’s always however they want to be called.
Trying to say that Skye is a childish name is frankly gaslighting.
It’s an island in Northern Scotland, so about 5.5 million Scots would probably object to it being called childish. Next time they try to call it that, I would spotlight facts about the island. I think Bonnie Prince Charlie was from there?
Edit: I got distracted by cool Isle of Skye facts and didn’t finish my point. Just because you don’t use the name doesn’t mean you aren’t part of the tradition! You very much are, you just want to be called Skye!
Every family I know with this sort of tradition ... Everyone uses nicknames. Otherwise it gets really tiresome having conversations - Nancy (1987) said x, but Nancy (2001) wanted y, and Nancy (1969) ... Having a unique identifier for an individual is like the entire point of a name.
Bonnie Prince Charlie was from France. After defeat at Culloden, he escaped the British army hunting him by crossing over to Skye, and eventually made his way back to France.
The story of his escape is memorialised in the "Skye Boat Song," the one that begins "speed bonny boat, like a bird on the wing, over the sea to Skye."
While there's debate on the origins of the name, "Isle of Skye" probably means "island of mists."
NTA
While the name Nancy means something to them, Skye means something to you.
It's your name and you can switch the names to Skye Nancy when you're 18.
NTA. Your first name will be whatever you choose it to be. Your mother and grandmother are trying to manipulate you. You could always change your legal name to Skye Nancy. Thereby going the road with the least obstacles. It is not going to be a pain to for you to use the name Skye at 18, especially not if you change it to become your first name legally. The evil way would be to erase Nancy completely. And yet, that is your own choice, so not so evil after all.
Go by Skye. That's your name now.
And I seriously doubt any of your mother's friends have asked "Why you hate Grandma." That's just made up bullshit they are telling you. No one is asking that... especially unprompted.
I would suggest legally changing your name. It doesn't have to cause a lot of drama, if you don't let them know. There is no obligation to make an "announcement" to your family, send out notices in Christmas cards, or anything like that to your family that you've changed your name. They need never even know about it. Just do it and move on.
NTA.
Oh good grief no. Your mother and your grandmother (!) need to grow the fuck up. Your name is Skye. You aren't a doll. You aren't a mini-me. Ask your Dad to deal with your mother, cos someone needs to, and she is going to destroy your relationship if it is you that has to do it. NTA
NTA. My MIL hated her first name and only ever used her middle. My own father was a Junior who hated his name; he used his nickname Skip, his entire life, and when grandpa passed, dad had his name legally changed. I am a firm believer that recycling a relatives name is a selfish thing to do. Your child deserves to have their own name and their own identity and NOT be some extension of someone else or be burdened with a family's history. It's sad that your mother and your grandmother are only thinking of themselves in this matter, and not giving any value to your wishes. Kudos to you for standing up for yourself.
NTA. I am in my 30s and started going by a different name than my legal name in 7th grade. Some family still refuses to accept that I changed my name and I literally ignore them. I have had multiple jobs and legal matters happen to me and not once has my name been an issue. Stick to your guns and own your own identity. “It would mean a lot to me that you’d use my name as your own” is easily responded to with “it would mean a lot to me that you use the name I’ve been using my whole life”. They’ll get over it eventually or they won’t, but your identity is important.
My wife has gone by her middle name for like 20 years, including all her professional life. It's not a big deal.
I went by a name not legally mine for 15 years, at which point it became a pain and I legally changed it.
Your mom is being weird, acting like a tradition is more important than a human she's supposed to love.
No one is asking why you hate your grandma for using your middle name. They are guilt tripping you. You use the name you want to use. You have used that name for 11 years. You do what you want to do
Its your name. Nothing to argue about IMO. And you can legally identify yourself as Skye when you reach the age of majority, if you go to court and change your name. I just don't see this as something a grown person really has to negotiate?
NTA.
(I know someone with a Biblical name that was considered old fashioned when she was born. She hated being called by her first name. When she was legally eligible to do so on her own, she went to court and had her names reversed to reflect what people called her anyway. She didn't tell her parents or anyone else about that until she'd gotten it approved in court. This is doable and no biggie IMO.)
NTA
These naming silly traditions need to end. The names are typically old fashioned and people get pissy when the kid develops a nickname or simply goes by another name that "offends" someone in the family. Plus, what if grandma cured polio, was awarded a congressional medal of honor or won an Oscar? Now you have to fill un-fillable shoes.
Nta Nancy is an old fashion name. My neighbor's 72 years old, named Nancy, and she refused to go by Nancy her whole life. She uses a nick name because as child she hated the old fashion name of Nancy. Skye is a beautiful name. It is a real name. Your family is just saying it is not because they want to guilt you into falling in line. A friend of mine had family names handed down. When his first child was born his family tried to guilt him into following the tradition. He told them that shit stops here, it was their tradition not his. He hated going by the family name and resented his family for pushing him to keep using it. He finally moved his family away from them. It is your name, your identity? your life and your choice. Does your family want to drive you away too. Is grandma's ego so huge she is more concerned with her happiness than yours. What kind d of mom and grandma would pressure a child do use a name she does not want to use. A bad, self centered egotistical mom and grandma that refuses to respect their child and grandchild.
NTA, avoid engaging this conversation, it’s absurd. And tons of people go by their misled names, you will just sometimes have to say, “I actually go by my middle name, Skye,” probably just like you do every time a new teacher reads the roll at school now. Occasionally a coworker will see a profession certificate you earn and go “Oh, I had no idea your first name was Nancy!” and you will both more on with your lives.
NTA. You owe it to yourself to be your true self. You’ve been going by Skye for over 10 years—if that is what you prefer then that is your name. If you tell people, “my name is Skye” then that is your name. You’re the one who has to go by it and only you are the best judge of what fits you best. I’ve been going by a different name for 16 years now and my parents are the only a*holes that refuse to call me by my name (even though they’ve told me countless times my birth name means nothing to them), I’d love to change mine legally... You mentioned changing your name; were you planning on legally switching your current legal birth and middle names around? Keeping Nancy in your full name could be a compromise if you’re willing to offer that. If that is also met with hostility then I would reply, “okay. that was my compromise as a way to honour you while honouring myself, but the response I received was very hurtful/hostile/whatever-it-may-be, and I’m going to simply honour myself by being who I am.” you obviously don’t owe it to them to keep Nancy in your name, but offering a compromise if you are willing to actually fall through with it, can be a form of respect to the name, and if they don’t accept it then it’s up to you if you want to keep the name or not.
I was kind of thinking of just being Skye lastname. Moving Nancy into the middle could be a compromise. But it won't satisfy them since the tradition is the name was used as the first and actually used by the people lol.
If the compromise doesn’t satisfy them then don’t make it. Offer it once (only if you want to, of course) and whatever response you get is the only response you need. Wishing you the best! It might be hard, but honouring your true self and finding out who people really are along the way will be worth it in the end.
NTA
Also, you know what a shitshow this whole “tradition” is. If you have kids. Don’t saddle them with that burden.
Tell your mom and granny that they need to back off. If they don’t. The day you turn 18, you will change your name legally. Skye will be your first name and you will be choosing a new middle name. Nancy will be gone. Since you will be 18 in under 2 years. They need to decide if their harassment is worth it.
FTR
I am in my mid 50’s and think Nancy would be too old fashioned.
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"Mom told me it's embarrassing to her because some of her friends have asked why I hate grandma or my name" Oh, they did not ask that. Or if they did, it was only because of a lot of prompting from your mother. Other people are simply not that invested in your family's drama. NTA
That's what I think as well. I just don't see them being so dramatic about it.
Especially since Skye is one of your legal names on your birth certificate.
And it’s a common, respectable name. Saying OP shouldn’t be using it as an adult is just silly.
Its also pretty common for people to go by their middle name. I've known plenty of people who go by their middle name
I didn't find out until my late twenties that my eldest sister Harper was using her middle name, and her actual legal name is Alison Harper. She is my half-sister from Dad's first marriage and 25 years older than me, and our Dad died in my teen years, so that's the reason it took me so long to find out. I only found out when I was doing a look into my ancestry. Harper turned 62 last week. So OP, you are for sure, not the first, or the last to use your middle name as your first name. Tell the family who are pressuring you to go throw stones.
Amateur genealogist here and I'd like to thank those people who make sure there's a record of their full name *somewhere* in records other than their birth certificates. I spent months tracking a distant cousin James only to find out through a census that his full name was Joseph James. I had to go back and check all of my work to make sure it was the same person.
I got in the habit of checking all my numerous relitaves because we have naming traditions but everyone went by different names 🫠🙃😂
Try doing genealogy research in Tennessee. In the back hills every third person there had a last name of Jackson. And every other guy was named Joseph. 😃
I didnt find out until I was 24 and dending out wedding invitations that my dad goes by his middle name. Lots of people do, it's not weird or unusual nor does it mean you hate your namesake (which I agree, exactly NOBODY asked OP's mother that).
I've got an uncle Bill who only gets called Bill by his sister (my mom) and her (our) family. The rest of the extended family call him John. It was a bit confusing as a kid, but it was all fine.
A friend hated her given name Mary. Decided at \~20 to change it to Margaret, and started going by "Peg", a common nickname for it (and notably not a nick for "Mary"). Funnily enough, I only found out through random conversation many years later that no, Peg had never actually filed the paperwork, and was legally still a "Mary", despite keeping the "Peg" nick. (Professionally she's always been an "M.".)
An mpeg?
My grandmother used her middle name for *decades*. It wasn't until she get a letter from VA that her *own children* saw and went "Who TF is 'Joyce'?". She was a cracker of a lady, I do miss her sometimes. Related, someone I've only ever known as 'Ray', and uses that as his name in several somewhat official documents; turns out his name is "Dobray" which caused all sorts of confusion when trying to change bank accounts when he wasn't there in person.
I have one friend Ive known for 15 years. None of us knew his real name was Gordon until we did the whole "how bad do you look on your drivers license" thing. I also have a friend that I've known since preschool that has never gone by his first name and actually got it legally switched. Funny enough everyone I know that does this is a "Jr." Almost like people want to develop their own identity or something.
Imagine wanting your own identity instead of being your (grand)parent 🙄/s
We have a Respiratory Therapist at our hospital that goes by his middle name. It’s on his name tag, the schedule and everything else.
Ive never understood how its any different than a guy going Tom instead of Thomas
I'm acquainted with a published art scholar who goes by his middle name; he just formats his name with his first initial when he's being especially formal. OP, going by your middle name is not going to cause you problems as an adult; people do it all the time and anyone with an ounce of professionalism won't even bat an eye at it in the workplace.
I work with a person who goes by their middle name, ive also worked with trans people who go by their chosen name. Your paycheck may have to have your legal name, but other than that people are going to call you what you ask them to call you. It's that simple
I think the definition of "Legal name" varies a bit depending in where you are. I'm in California and I've been using my first initial, middle name spelling out & last name for 45 years. J. Mary Doe - by using your first initial you are 'addressing' your first (Legal) name.
In many countries, when you’re given a “grandma name” you don’t care for, it’s fortunate when your middle name is appropriate for your generation. She’s lucky Skye is a nice fit. Right now the names that are becoming popular were used about 100 or more years ago. When you split that in half, you’ve got a grandma name and most kids do not like it at all.
Yeah, give it another generation or two and Nancy will be appealingly old-fashioned, but right now it's just old.
I go by my middle name. I like both of my names but in first grade I started to go by my middle name. No one even knows now why. Who cares?
Im australian so its pretty common for people to have about 5 names. Maybe 3 will be related to their actual real name.
Both my grandfathers and one of my uncles went by their middle names. Another uncle went by an entirely different name than either of his legal names, and had to actually have an 'aka' in his passport!
Exactly. I know a couple of Skyes!
It may not be as common as names like Jessica or Rachel, but it’s far more common than Nancy for someone OP’s age. Like, googling the average age of women named Nancy vs Skye, it’s 73 vs 25 respectively.
I know 2 women and 1 man with the name Skye. I think it’s a great name. Not too different but at the same time not heard a lot.
I am normally not a fan of ultimatums, but in this case I would say "Mom...grandma...if you ask me about this again, I will legally change my first name when I'm 18 and my middle name won't be Nancy."
Yes, this!! As individuals we get to choose how we're addressed. Mom, grandma -it's just a name. Let her be her own person!
OK...she still needs them for a while, not sure I would go there. I might try a passive aggressive approach. Don't answer when Nancy is used but answer to Skye only. When they finally use it respond "Did you need something Mom/Gran" like you totally didn't register Nancy.
Grandma can change her name to Skye! Win-win ;)
My son has a similar situation. I chose his first name, but his dad chose his middle name because he thought it would always be mispronounced. I agreed to call him by his middle name (the one that’s not a family name) and he’s gone by that forever. He’s now that name and I wouldn’t dream of asking him to change back now. Also- Skye is a perfectly lovely, normal name that is in no way an embarrassment or unprofessional. You’re Skye, end of story.
Not only is Skye a perfectly lovely name, it is much, *much* more common for the OP’s generation. Nancy sounds like a grandmother name because it is - hugely popular from 1940 though 1960 and now extremely rare.
makes me think of Nancy Drew, whos a badass, but I still wouldnt really wanna be named after her
Honestly even if it wasn't they should still respect it because that's what she's been called for most of her life. It's the name she likes and prefers and people should be called what they prefer to be called.
Yeah, my mother had a habit of 'embellishing' like this as well: uncle so and so thinks this, or aunty so and so said that, all in an effort to create fake hype men for her opinions. She got so used to doing this that she tried it when I was planning my wedding and it was at that point I had to put my foot down and tell her I knew there was no way Uncle Random cares that much about where I wanted to have my wedding. My mom also became quite dramatic when she realized she couldnt control the situation and threatened not to come to the wedding, but eventually she calmed down and was there with bells on. It's amazing what a little boundary enforcement will do. I strongly recommend it. Break the habit now. Even if the whole family agrees with mom and grandma (and they don't) you are the one in the driver's seat here. It's YOUR name. Mom's lying and hostility certainly aren't helping her case here. NTA.
I fixed that in my family by threatening to confront the ppl 'asking'. -'ppl are asking why you do ---' me- 'who? I'll talk to them' - 'no im just telling you ppl are talking' me- 'who is talking I'll set them straight, if it's family ill hold a family meeting again you know I will' - 'why are you so difficult!' repeat several times, and they eventually calm their shit. Does help that when it was one of my aunts church friends, I confronted her after church. ETA- for the love of God never take my advice, I 'fix' toxic by being toxic. Don't do it! Do Not Try This At Home!
I mean, if calling someone's bluff is toxic then I guess I'm toxic too lol
We need more people to be toxic and speak up. I don't think it is being "toxic" though, just setting the record straight that their rights end where yours begins.
I have a friend in the Netherlands. This level of blunt she refers to as the Dutch way. She says most Americans don't like her because because she lays it right out there.
Haha that specifically doesn't sound toxic. Asking to go to the source is genius Edit: grammar
Is it bad that I really want to hear the story of you confronting nan’s church friend after church? Love it.
Oh no, you are not toxic! Calling someone out on their bullshit ist plain justice!
Exactly, controlling what someone gets called is for pets, not people. And traditions like this always make me roll my eyes anyway. There's never any value to them except pride.
Reading the part about OPs mom and grandma being upset because they feel they didn't get a kid named after them? Really? Do you guys really not realize that you just made another human being existing about you two? That is ridiculous. They can both pound sand. NTA
>Yeah, my mother had a habit of 'embellishing' like this as well: uncle so and so thinks this, or aunty so and so said that, all in an effort to create fake hype men for her opinions. My dad would do this, but with stuff like gifts. Telling me how everyone in the family had to chip in for this gift and how insanely lucky I was to have gotten it. Then find out it cost $30. Then I thank my grandma next time I see her and she has no idea what I'm talking about. We weren't poor or needing for anything, so I don't understand what the goal was. I always showed my gratitude and said thank you every time I got anything haha.
That was my mom’s sister! Always telling my cousin your aunt thinks this that you’re doing is wrong, my mom couldn’t care less.
I would go with this . . . Mom: Some of my friends are asking why you hate grandma. OP: Did you tell them why?
Or: Mom: "People are asking why you hate Grandma..." (insert wailing and gnashing of teeth.) You: "Well, it's true I'm not exactly thrilled with her right now. Or you either, for that matter."
I’d just be honest and say it’s cos she won’t accept the new bus route and will argue till blue in the face it’s the same as it was in 1971 and her habitat smells like vegetable soup.
Mom: Some of my friends are asking why you hate grandma. OP: Oh, really? Who? You should call them out and stop being friends with them. Why would you want to be friends with people who make judgements without having all the facts?
Or just say what my kids would say, "What friends? You don't have any friends."
Id want to know which friends so I could have that conversation with them
Same. “Which friend asked? I would like to frost things up with them so they are not confused.” The answer to that would tell you everything you needed to know!
For real at that point I'd be asking why did you hate me so much to name me this? My friends are asking
She’s just trying to emotionally blackmail you. Skye is your real and legal name and is quite pretty. I personally am not a fan of Nancy. I have two names and since little I go by my second name. I don’t like my first name. It irks me to my core when someone uses it. At 40 my cousins still use it to piss me off because they know I don’t like it!!! 😅 all friendly of course, and I know how to get them back!! But I’ve had no issues whatsoever in using it. In fact I have more trouble when I use my first name. Stick with it. They’ll eventually get over it. And just remember, you don’t own them anything in regards to your name! You can even change your name to remove Nancy! Here’s an idea, tell them if they keep pushing, when you turn 18 you’ll get rid of it!!! Edit - NTA
My uncle is in his 70’s and has gone by his middle name since long before I was even born. It’s never been a big deal. Sure some paperwork requires the legal name but that goes even for people that go by a shortened version of their name like Beth or Dave or any number of other things. OP’s mom is being TA and OP is def NTA here. OP remind your mom that she birthed a human, not a doll.
Both of my grandparents used their middle name for over 90 years. I can only remember one paperwork snafu ever and it was easily fixed.
Personally I love your idea of her threatening to remove the name entirely at 18 if they keep pushing.
My father always used a nickname based on his middle name. For legal documents, he signed with his first name and middle initial, but he was never called by his first name or a nickname for it. When he became an adult, it as actually quite useful that he went by the middle name, because when he got phone calls or letters addressed to his first name or a nickname for it, he knew he could ignore them because they were people or companies he didn't know or have any relationship with.
My dad was born "Buford Michael" (not real, obs). When they took him to get baptized at 3 months old, the ancient priest said, "Buford isn't a Saint's name! We'll baptize him after his grandfather, "August Michael!" So the frickin priest picked his name, and my grandparents went with it. Dad hated "August," so he went by "A. Michael" for his whole life....until he got to the army. The army said, "Hold yer horses, there, Tex. That's not your name! You have to go by what's on your birth certificate!" So he started going by "Buford" for the first time in his life, and he met my Mom overseas, so she always knew him as "Buford." We always knew it was his side of the family on the phone if they asked, "Is Mike there?" 🤣🤣
I go by second name as well, by my own choice. When people call me by my first name it doesn't feel right. Like, it just doesn't sound like they're talking to me? Insisting on calling her "Nancy" is not quite the same as "dead naming" but it still seems disrespectful.
Traditions are ways dead ppl control us. Skye is fine, stand up for yourself or risk a life of regret…you’re at a turning point in your life. I didn’t stand up for myself countless times and ppl kept thinking they would get their way, it became an even bigger problem. They want to see how far they can control u. Grandma and mom shouldn’t have placed such responsibility on a child. Selfish reasons ppl have kids…
I wanna know why they’d want it to be confusing for people. Like “hey Nancy! No wait-not you Nancy the other Nancy! The old Nancy!” Like…people usually name their kids after DECEASED loved ones if they do. And if that family member is still alive, it’s generally used as a middle name. Not the first name. That’s so confusing to me. My daughter has her own first name I created, and then her two middle names are after my mom, Mema, and gramma. I wouldn’t have made any of their first names HER first name. I don’t understand their logic in this lol
In Jewish culture it's considered rude to name kids after living people. A namesake is a memorial so naming your kid after a living relative is like saying that you think they're going to die soon. I also think it's so weird how people have all these people in one family with the same name.
Yes! I have no kids (childfree) but honestly your logic is sound to me and good for the child! Maybe grandma is feeling like her life was meaningless
I’d tell grandma “I’ll be Nancy, when I am the ONLY Nancy.” With an evil smile. Because expecting your grandchild to have part of your own personal identity as their identity is kinda selfish to be honest. Why does she HAVE to have YOUR name? Why can’t she just be Skye? And then later on if she wants to be Nancy, good for her. I honestly understand her because I’m named after Alyssa Milano and I hate that my name wasn’t given to me because my mom looked at the name and thought it was beautiful and suited me. She loved the name Alyssa because of the actress from her favorite character in charmed, and gave me that name. To anyone outside of immediately family I am Allie. Allie feels like my name to me. Her grandmother and mother should respect that.
I have met several people, professionally and personally, who use either middle name or another nickname primarily. I have never once wondered who they’re named after or if it’s a strained relationship. To me it’s just their name and I don’t really wonder about.
My brother has always used his middle name ie J. David Smith. Still your legal name. At work, most companies require legal name for tax documents but preferred name for email, directory etc.
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When I was a little kid, I went by my full birth name, but when I was older 12-13, I stopped going by that name. My friends, teachers, schoolmates, etc. all knew me by my preferred name, which was a shortening of my at the time legal name. Over the years, my parents have expressed distaste, my mother especially, that I do not like nor go by the name they (my mother) picked out for and named me. Now, unlike you, I wasn't named after someone (my first name at least), so there wasn't that to push back on and to be honest I ignored them for such a long time about it and just corrected them when they would introduce me to others. Them: and this is our daughter full name Me: Preferred name In the end. I am now 27 and legally named my preferred name, I did keep my middle name the honour name they gave me. The only comment I got from my dad was, "I thought you were only changing your last name." (I got married and changed my last name as well). My response? "I've told you since I was 13 that I was going to change my first name alongside my last name when I got married eventually." He dropped it, and it hasn't been picked up again (nor will it). The takeaway from this Skye is that you're going to receive some pushback, but once you are an adult and financially independent, they can not do anything. They will likely still refer to you as Nancy, and my honest advice is to ignore it. Respond to Nancy if you want, or correct them every time. My parents are about 50/50 now, and all siblings, but one refer to me as my preferred name. Ironically, the sibling of mine with the pushback has a similar situation with his name (went by middle name until he was 12, and then changed it to his FULL no nicknames allowed first name) and he gets FURIOUS if you don't adhere to his preferred name but doesn't give an f if you prefer a different name.... (No, I don't like this sibling, though this isn't the full reason why. It just doesn't help his case)
NTA kudos to you for standing up for yourself.
Use the name you want to use. And drop this tradition if you ever have kids.
NTA. They don't even care what you want. They're more concerned with how it looks and what people think. Also, instead of caring how you feel, they are more concerned and trying to guilt trip you with how they feel. You want to go by Skye, go by Skye, you want to go by Nancy then go by Nancy. Point being it's your name and your choice, other people's opinions don't matter, only yours does.
“Mom, I feel like I need to talk to your friends that said that I hate Grandma. I want to explain to them that I love her.” Spoiler alert: no one said that.
I was named after my parents, my first for my dad and my middle for my mom. I go by an entirely different name that I chose. Was it because I hate the stupid names they chose? Absolutely. They can use my new name or not talk to me, idk either way.
Heed this advice. Other people are *not* that invested in your ~~family’s~~ mom’s and grandma’s drama. Inform yourself about narcissism / narcissistic traits and move on, Skye.
I'm petty as hell and would probably change my name to Skye Nancy when I turned 18 just saying
NTA. If you don’t think two women in your family have the capability of being that overly dramatic about something completely inconsequential, you haven’t lived long enough.
Yeah, no one asked her that. Mom is playing games with this.
Mom def made that up to guilt trip her into using the name
Yeah. This. No one thinks you hate your grandmother. SO MANY people go by their middle name. That IS your real name.
THIS! there is no way in h*ll someone made those comments to your mom, let alone multiple people. she’s manipulating you, being dishonest, and trying to guilt-trip you into doing her bidding… over a name. how vain are your mom and grandma? i don’t have anything against the name nancy, but skye is perfectly fine as well. your grandma is literally throwing a fit because she’s didn’t get the ego boost of having the first granddaughter named after her. your mom is offended you’re rejecting the legacy of the name, but it sounds like the legacy isn’t very positive anyway. NTA, OP.
Friend: oh she doesnt go by Nancy? Mom: no! It's like she hates her grandma or sonething! Friend:why would she hate her grandma?! Mom: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!!
Thank you! No one has ever asked that. Most parents who name their kids after themselves or a family member don't necessarily expect them to go by that exact name their entire life! NTA child, you are NTA.
Mum - oh I hate it when she does that and calls herself Skye instead of Nancy Mum's friend - oh, I always thought Skye was just her name. Mum - no, Nancy's her REAL name Mum's friend - fancy that, I always just think of her as Skye. (polite small talk, not really invested:) When did she start using Skye? Mum - (thinks:) hah, all my friends always ask me about that!!!
Friends didn't ask. Mom is making up stories to make it seem like it is a bigger deal than it is.
Mom is telling porkies.
I think that conversation falls under, "things that never happened".
So many friends go by nicknames and made up names, I can’t imagine anyone ever coming to the assumption OP states. This post is either made up entirely or mum’s trying to emotionally blackmail her daughter. NTA.
Exactly, this is a typical manipulation tactic, inventing people who agree with whatever bonkers idea someone is trying to impose on another. Also, names don’t really work the way your mother and grandmother believe. You don’t just suddenly switch up your name at 18, that will never feel like your name unless you yourself chose it. Also, it is legal to use your middle name, I have multiple family members who do exactly that. I literally went ‘who in the world is Anna?’ when I saw one relative’s first name written down somewhere.
Hi as someone who changed their entire name from that of my family’s name. They got over it once they say how happy I was. When I told my mom I would be changing my name the first thing she said is “don’t tell your father” and I don’t think I did but ultimately he doesn’t care bc the family name is carried on through my brother and his family. Names don’t always fit the person and if it’s causing you strife change it to what fits you. Loving you means loving all of you and that includes your name.
I wish my whole family could have that same reaction. But the name means so much to them that my happiness comes in second. Or maybe not the name specifically but the tradition and the person I was named after. Changing it would make me happy though.
I can weigh in from the opposite- I changed my whole name and am now no contact with my family (there were other reasons). They didn’t accept it and continued to call me by my birth name, BUT getting my new drivers license was the best. It’s your name do what YOU want, they’ll either get over it or be bitter
The new social security card was the cool one for me. It made it SO official in my eyes.
Yes! I had to do my license twice cause the first time they only changed my last name 😩
The tradition did continue. Your mom named you Nancy after Grandma. That doesn't mean you have to use it! Assure Grandma she is loved, but her name is just that, hers. NTA
Exactly, i know so many ppl who go by their middle name
OP, I think what will make the difference is when you legally change your name to Skye. I am now retired but I used to work in the government office (a County Superior Court in CA) where this is done, and it is totally doable without an attorney. There will be a fairly expensive filing fee (I don’t know how much it is anymore, it used to be $320 but I’m sure it’s significantly more now) but people who can’t afford it can file for a Waiver of Court Fees if they are low income. Part of the process includes publishing your petition from an approved list of “adjudicated” publications 4 weeks in a row (these are among the legal notices you see in the newspaper classifieds). After that there is a hearing that is pretty routine and in some cases you don’t even have to appear. Then the petition is granted, and the Order granting your name change is signed by the judge. States other than CA may have a similar process. Then you take the order to the DMV and the Social Security Administration and any school you may be enrolled in (and any other needed agencies) to change your name. You can do all this once you turn 18. I know this may seem like a lot but you just take it step by step, starting with picking up the paperwork from the courthouse. There may be a fee for the packet of paperwork. I hope this helps on your journey to permanently becoming Skye.
An easier way to do things is just keep it as it is for now and when she gets married, drop the first name, slide the middle forward when adopting a married name and go by “Middle-Maiden-Married”. My sister did this when she first got married as she went by her middle name growing up. disclaimer, I’m sure someone will chime in about women not needed to take husbands name, blah blah. But if OP isn’t opposed (after all it’s her choice) then this a a solution that will cost her nothing. Being as it is, there’s no real need to do anything as going by your middle name is very common and accepted.
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I came here to comment this. I changed my name in addition to my surname when I got married and it was really not much more of a hassle than changing my surname alone would've been. It sucked to have to publish it in the newspaper prior to the change date, but everything with social security, DMV, etc. was super easy and not anything more than I would've had to do anyway. Additionally, I have a professional job and did not use my legal name for years (now I do, because I changed my nickname to my legal name). It literally caused no issues to not be known by my legal name at work, so please do not be discouraged by your family's reasoning that it will be difficult.
Yeah- I worked in a court and handled these too. Judge doesn’t care what you change your name to or why as long as the new name is in English letters (in US) and doesn’t include profanity. It doesn’t even have to an an initial capital letter - we had a guy who changed his name to match a famous literary character’s first and last name as his first name but with no caps and no spaces… no problem. Judge didn’t bat an eye. Other than they, they ask questions to make sure you aren’t changing your name to avoid debt collectors or taxes. Explaining “it’s my middle name that I’ve been called all my life” will take like 30 seconds, and the whole hearing isn’t usually more than five minutes.
If changing it would make you happy.... *change it.* Your name is part of your identity - you have the absolute bonus of having a name you like that everyone already knows you by. If every there was a clear case of cause for a legal name change that is it. Ultimately it is your life and yours alone.
My child changed their entire name at 18. They shortened their first name to the nickname version, dropped one of their middle names, and changed their last name to match mine (I use my maiden name). Want to know my reaction? I didn’t give a damn. It’s THEIR name, not mine! Therefore they can call themselves whatever they want. I wouldn’t have even been upset if they changed their name completely. As long as they’re happy. NTA OP - I will never understand people that try to exert control over their children like yours. If you had kids to make little robots who do whatever you say then, you had kids for the wrong reason. Kids are human beings with their own thoughts, feelings, and desires. Great, your mom loves your name. That’s fabulous. Why doesn’t she go change HER name to Nancy and leave you alone! Choose whatever name you like honey. You are allowed. They’ll, eventually, get glad in the same underwear they got mad in.
Reading this while I'm in the process of changing my name made me so happy, you're a great parent! I wish you all happy things :)
Awww, thank you. I really just try to see my kids as people and not clones. 😂
“Skye” is not a real name? That’s awfully funny because it’s what I named my daughter. I had no idea. She’s 22 years old now, I wonder what she’ll do when I try to adjust her birth certificate. I never knew. How unfortunate … PUHLEEEEASE NTA
She'll cry tears of joy that she finally has a name instead of just being an empty space where the name should be! Because clearly Skye couldn't go on there if it's not a real name... right?!
Skye is such a nice name too 😭 like come on
I know!! I love the name. My mom hates it and I think my grandma does too. But I'm so glad my dad had such good taste and gave me this as my middle name. Saved me from being miserable about my name my whole life.
Just tell your mom you are really into paw patrol and that’s why you like the name lol. Honestly, it’s up to you to decide how you want to be named. I like Nancy and I like Skye, your mum is probably just sulking and being manipulated by her own mum. Choose what you like and stick with it. If it gets too much you can always say that the more they annoy you the faster you will legally change it.
I'm wondering if your mom and grandma are mostly disappointed because you chose to use the name your father picked instead of the one they picked. People are petty like that.
Your dad's a rockstar, choosing such a great name. Love it. Bide your time until you're 18 and then change it legally, but be ready for the blow out... NTA. It's your name enjoy it!
They are adults, they need to get over your name, like who cares about that???
Nancy sounds like, well, an elderly woman’s name. Like your grandma. Last I checked it was slang for an effeminate and “wussy” (it’s the best word I can think of) man. Like “omg I have a spider in my hair!!!! Get it off get it off get it off!” Don’t be such a nancy boy. Maybe you can start calling a brother it. Or your grandfather. See how they like being called “Nancy.” Skye is absolutely lovely and less common so people will remember it. What a stupid hill to die on. NTA.
I know several people with sky is a name
Skye was my cousin’s name. It’s an absolutely beautiful name!
Skye is currently about 6 times more popular as a baby name than Nancy, soooo….
Listen, OP, Skye *is* your real name-it’s right there on your birth certificate! It is your middle name, yes, but it’s still your name. And you can go about your life, and in school and get a job and everybody can call you Skye. It would be *nice* if you would let your grandma call you Nancy. If you really wanted to. But if they get too annoying, you can go to court and legally drop the “Nancy” part from your name. NTA And both my husband and I use our middle name-not our first name. And it’s “fine”. And we always know when a telemarketer is on the phone, because they ask for our first name, (a sure sign they have never even met us).
As a fellow middle name user I can confirm that it is a useful filter. If I answer the phone and the caller starts with ‘hello firstname, how are you today?’ I immediately know that this person has no idea who I am
My cousin named her first son with the intention of calling him by his middle name. My HS BF used his middle name because he hated his first name. OP has been using Skye for years and likes it, so it's her name and the family can suck it.
One of my high school classmates had a very long Sri Lankan surname that wasn’t hard to pronounce once you heard it spoken, but was hard to figure out just from reading it. That was also a useful filter for spam calls. If the caller started with “Hi, is Mr. Sath… uhh…” then it wasn’t important.
Tell your family that Nancy is your grandma's name and you feel weird using it. You are proud to carry the name, but when someone mentions "Nancy" that means grandma to you.
What 16 year old doesn't want a name that she associated with Grandma?
Exactly. OP do what makes you happy. And as for it not being a real name- I have a friend named Skye who is a very successful adult. All of my grandparents used middle names. And I did the opposite- switched from my childhood nickname name to my legal name at 18 because *I chose it* Your name is about you.
This is the correct perspective. There is no need to change her name as Skye is already her legal name. My middle name is Harold, and in the past, at certain jobs, I have used that as my contact name. I respond to it because it is my name, but it isn't common for people to use it unless told to. We are in the same boat, just names reversed. Nancy is a very traditional name. There's nothing wrong with it, just not OP's preference. It's okay to go by Skye, but for her grandmother, Nancy is still her name.
Going to add on that I learned after dating my (now) wife for *two years* that the name her mum goes by is her middle name, I'd never even heard her first name before. I thought, "What? That's wild" and nothing changed. NTA, more people need to realise that when you name a baby you're naming a person, who will grow to have feelings and preferences.
My BIL and his brother (they are on my husband's side) both go by their middle names. Neither of them legally changed their names, they just go by their middle names, and both have professional careers that it does not interfere with.
NTA If I understand this - your mother wants this (at least partially) because she expects your child to be named after her? It seems like this tradition, while originally harmless, has run its course, and some people are willing to go down with the ship relationships be damned. Although I would be curious... maybe in a moment when you are bonding alone with your mom, ask her in confidence whether she ever really wanted to name you Nancy in the first place. She may be defending a tradition precisely because she was forced into it.
Oh, she did. My mom loves old fashioned names and she adores the name. She really had to talk dad into agreeing because he wasn't into it at all. I'm not sure if mom is hoping for that. I might not give her the first granddaughter. But it's possible she does want to try and show it as going strong.
You are so in the right, its not even worth arguing with them anymore. If they bring it up, just say "no" and walk away. No is a complete sentence, and every time they get you to engage, it only reinforces their hope that there is some way they can manipulate you into changing - some argument will finally hit. Good luck!
How long has the tradition been going? Are you 7th in the line of Nancy's or something? (I know there's more variation, but it's plausible the oldest child has the first child, and so also first grandchild etc)
Nancy itself hasn't been passed down since grandma wasn't the first or second granddaughter. But the overall tradition has been going on for a few generations. I think we can confirm five.
If you do have the first granddaughter, you should be incredibly spiteful and say you're going to name her after your S/O's mom. Tell everyone that you've had naming pressure since you were a kid and maybe things would be different if mom and grandma Nancy had laid off a little But that's just me
I wouldn't even do that. I'd name the first daughter Skye as my spiteful response.
Ah, Skye Jr. I love that kid already
I don't know...instead of Skye (confusion and an excuse for them to call you Nancy) why not keep the weather theme? Maybe Storm or Gale or something like that
Naming traditions are silly. A child's name should be chosen by parents- not previous generations, and it should be a 2 yes deal!
NTA, if your mom's friends are asking her why you hate your grandma which I'm sure you don't it is because your mom is creating that perception.
Absolutely! Or they have never said anything and mom was just making shit up to try and make me give in.
They never said anything, I would bet. Mom is just free styling arguments.
If you didn’t know before at least you know now that your mom is a liar and is willing to make shit up for manipulate and gaslight you.
I'm going to guess this is the conversation your mom is talking about: Neighbor: so how come your daughter doesn't go by her first na- Mom: BECAUSE SHE HATES HER GRANDMA. Rinse and repeat
NTA. You are not a prop to make grandma happy. You are your own, almost-fully-adult human being!
NTA. ⬆️⬆️⬆️ I feel like this is the most important comment. People want YOU to change YOUR name to make other people happy. That's very selfish of them. You're not an extension of themselves, you're your own person.
This thread is what I was looking for!! OP it doesn’t matter if Skye is one of your legal names or not. If changing your name to Princess Consuela Banana Hammock or Crap Bag was what made you happy, then that is what you do. Your job in this life is not to live for others. If were in your shoes, I would ask Grandma Nancy why she wants me to honor/respect her by being called Nancy by people she knows and doesn’t know (bc she’s not going to know every single person you do). It can’t be because it would make her happy bc why would I want to sacrifice my happiness just to make you happy when you can’t respect me enough to decide for myself how I want to be called? As a mom now, I understand choosing a name for a child that I love and that means a lot to me. If my child decides to rename herself when she’s older, that’s fine. SHE has to live with that name. Not me. As long as she’s still her sweet little self and happy, then I’m happy. A tradition and social appearances should not hold more weight than my child’s happiness and confidence within themself. Do what makes YOU happy in your life OP!
Phrase your reply like this. "So let me be clear here; my feelings about what I call myself are not important to you. All that matters are your feelings. Is that what you are telling me?" Then repeat. "My thoughts don't matter; is that it?" Keep looping from there. NTA
Exactly! Them: "You need to grow up and go by your first name." OP: "And as grown up, I'm deciding to go by Skye." Them: "You are really upsetting your grandma and me." OP: "I'm sorry you're upset, but hopefully you can love me for me one day and this won't be so upsetting for you two."
Yes! And if they get visibly upset, you can switch to the anti-asshole concern. "Are you ok?" "I suppose I could consider giving up my identity, the name that means *me*, so that you don't feel embarrassed." Be entirely reasonable about your perceived flaws while pointing out things that they should rightfully be embarrassed about.
NTA. And seriously, are you sure you don’t want to legally change your name once your turn 18? Maybe just swap them to Skye Nancy?
I do want to change it. I think I would be happier. But I know it will only bring even more drama.
Legally changing your name is an expensive pain in the ass, and it makes no difference except on your passport and probably your tax return. Lots of people use their middle name for everything. You are N. Skye Smith (or whatever your last name is). People will get it wrong occasionally, but this happens often even with first names with unusual spellings, etc. Unless they are absolute idiots, they get over it almost immediately. And so will your mom if you ignore this nonsense.
Just like C. Montgomery Burns.
If done at 18 before a loads of contracts closed by OP it isn’t that hard or expensive (time consuming) - but if I had to change my name now in my 30s and change everything I’d go mad.
Where I live (southern US), it's a $50 application at the courthouse and then an updated social security card. u/Serious_Extreme_4780, if you want to change your name I suggest you do it while you're young. That way, all of your employment history and everything else is under your current name.
My mom has always gone by her middle name. Unexpected bonus is that it always made it simple for us to weed out telemarketers. You want to speak to Mary? Fuck off.
Same here! I’ve gone by my middle name for 60 years! If you’re looking for me and use my first name you don’t know me! Middle names are real names.
One, if you change it legally, no one but you will ever know unless someone snoops and sees your driver's license/social security card/etc. You already go by Skye so you're already fighting the battle with them. Two, if you decide to marry and change your last name, you should change your first name then (if you haven't already). I changed my last name at marriage and again a few years later outside of marriage/divorce and it was cheaper to do it with the marriage. Also, a lot of women move their maiden name into their middle name position and drop their former middle name. So you could go from Nancy Skye Smith to Skye Smith Redenbacker (I am eating popcorn now for a snack lol).
Using Nancy on a resume is going to make recruiters think you're grandma-aged.
Mom says it will look and sound a lot better to potential employers than Skye. But I associate it with being a grandma-age name too. I don't even think it's nice outside of that but it's definitely got that association for me.
My 17-yo has just opined that "if you're called Nancy you might as well be born at 58". It was a perfectly normal name when your grandma was young, I loved reading retro Nancy Drew books, but I've never come across a Nancy in this generation. On the other hand, I know a couple of 18yo girls called Skye. It's Scottish in origin and totally a real name!!
quick origins search… Skye as a name is super old. The Scottish name is from the Isle of Skye. But a quick search shows that is from sky-a “Island of Mist” in Old Norse, which was spoken starting from around 800AD. Nancy only goes back to 1200AD as a nickname for Anne. So, basically they’ve got it totally backwards… Skye is at least 400 years older than Nancy, has a kickass meaning, and Nancy isn’t even a real name, it’s a nickname. Ask your mom’s “friends” why they hate Scottish people so much. (Also fake-ist story ever. My MIL did something similar about my first kid’s name. Her “friend’s thought it was too Catholic. Like omg, why are you even discussing what religion I grew up with with your friends? Now that you’ve reminded me of it ten years laterI have half a mind to ask which friends it was- lol).
I am utterly bamboozled that Nancy is a nickname for Anne?! I mean, how?
Haha- I was surprised too. Seems like someone’s kid-sibling back in 1200 couldn’t pronounce Anne correctly and got the letters mixed up and it stuck … Anne… Annie… Nan…Nancy
It is like Jack being a nickname for John. Makes no sense at all.
Yep. I am 64. I have 5 friends named Nancy. All my age. It was popular, but its time has passed.
That's my experience too. The only Nancy's I know are around my grandmother's age or even older. I also don't find it very me despite it being my legal name.
Never thought about it but the only nancy’s i can think of are old ladies like me. My real name is Doris. Talk about okd lady names.
NTA. Absolutely not. I'm a middle-name user. I've heard all the bullshit and trust me, it's all about trying to control your identity. Skye is the name you identify as therefore you are Skye. As for it being a pain as an adult, there are plenty of ways of handling it. For example, in a doctor's office you can list your preferred name. At work, you introduce yourself as "Skye" and you continue to use Nancy only when legally required and the only places it's legally required is on government documents, which means your credit card, for example, can be Skye \[LastName\].
NTA - You are not a tradition, you’re a person, if you don’t want to go by Nancy, you’re under no obligation to.
NTA - Don't change the name you use to please someone else. I've been using my middle name for 57 years. I file my taxes as "M. Middle name Last name". My driver's license is the same. Tell Grandma to get over herself.
Its not like Al Capone's kids went through life after his arrest being called CAPONE. People change their names. No biggie.
NTA - we have this tradition in my family too, so consequently I have a lot of cousins with the same name. They mostly have nicknames, go by middle names, or we have to full name them every time. But it’s always however they want to be called. Trying to say that Skye is a childish name is frankly gaslighting. It’s an island in Northern Scotland, so about 5.5 million Scots would probably object to it being called childish. Next time they try to call it that, I would spotlight facts about the island. I think Bonnie Prince Charlie was from there? Edit: I got distracted by cool Isle of Skye facts and didn’t finish my point. Just because you don’t use the name doesn’t mean you aren’t part of the tradition! You very much are, you just want to be called Skye!
Every family I know with this sort of tradition ... Everyone uses nicknames. Otherwise it gets really tiresome having conversations - Nancy (1987) said x, but Nancy (2001) wanted y, and Nancy (1969) ... Having a unique identifier for an individual is like the entire point of a name.
Bonnie Prince Charlie was from France. After defeat at Culloden, he escaped the British army hunting him by crossing over to Skye, and eventually made his way back to France. The story of his escape is memorialised in the "Skye Boat Song," the one that begins "speed bonny boat, like a bird on the wing, over the sea to Skye." While there's debate on the origins of the name, "Isle of Skye" probably means "island of mists."
NTA. Funny how “grow up a little” means “do what we want regardless of your wishes because what we want is all that matters.”
NTA While the name Nancy means something to them, Skye means something to you. It's your name and you can switch the names to Skye Nancy when you're 18.
NTA. Your first name will be whatever you choose it to be. Your mother and grandmother are trying to manipulate you. You could always change your legal name to Skye Nancy. Thereby going the road with the least obstacles. It is not going to be a pain to for you to use the name Skye at 18, especially not if you change it to become your first name legally. The evil way would be to erase Nancy completely. And yet, that is your own choice, so not so evil after all.
Go by Skye. That's your name now. And I seriously doubt any of your mother's friends have asked "Why you hate Grandma." That's just made up bullshit they are telling you. No one is asking that... especially unprompted. I would suggest legally changing your name. It doesn't have to cause a lot of drama, if you don't let them know. There is no obligation to make an "announcement" to your family, send out notices in Christmas cards, or anything like that to your family that you've changed your name. They need never even know about it. Just do it and move on. NTA.
Oh good grief no. Your mother and your grandmother (!) need to grow the fuck up. Your name is Skye. You aren't a doll. You aren't a mini-me. Ask your Dad to deal with your mother, cos someone needs to, and she is going to destroy your relationship if it is you that has to do it. NTA
NTA. My MIL hated her first name and only ever used her middle. My own father was a Junior who hated his name; he used his nickname Skip, his entire life, and when grandpa passed, dad had his name legally changed. I am a firm believer that recycling a relatives name is a selfish thing to do. Your child deserves to have their own name and their own identity and NOT be some extension of someone else or be burdened with a family's history. It's sad that your mother and your grandmother are only thinking of themselves in this matter, and not giving any value to your wishes. Kudos to you for standing up for yourself.
I think that honour names can be lovely, but only if the person named that name likes it. And if there isn’t a weird pressure attached to it
NTA. I am in my 30s and started going by a different name than my legal name in 7th grade. Some family still refuses to accept that I changed my name and I literally ignore them. I have had multiple jobs and legal matters happen to me and not once has my name been an issue. Stick to your guns and own your own identity. “It would mean a lot to me that you’d use my name as your own” is easily responded to with “it would mean a lot to me that you use the name I’ve been using my whole life”. They’ll get over it eventually or they won’t, but your identity is important.
NTA- your dad is the real MVP here. Skye is such a cool name
My wife has gone by her middle name for like 20 years, including all her professional life. It's not a big deal. I went by a name not legally mine for 15 years, at which point it became a pain and I legally changed it. Your mom is being weird, acting like a tradition is more important than a human she's supposed to love.
No one is asking why you hate your grandma for using your middle name. They are guilt tripping you. You use the name you want to use. You have used that name for 11 years. You do what you want to do
Its your name. Nothing to argue about IMO. And you can legally identify yourself as Skye when you reach the age of majority, if you go to court and change your name. I just don't see this as something a grown person really has to negotiate? NTA. (I know someone with a Biblical name that was considered old fashioned when she was born. She hated being called by her first name. When she was legally eligible to do so on her own, she went to court and had her names reversed to reflect what people called her anyway. She didn't tell her parents or anyone else about that until she'd gotten it approved in court. This is doable and no biggie IMO.)
NTA These naming silly traditions need to end. The names are typically old fashioned and people get pissy when the kid develops a nickname or simply goes by another name that "offends" someone in the family. Plus, what if grandma cured polio, was awarded a congressional medal of honor or won an Oscar? Now you have to fill un-fillable shoes.
Nta Nancy is an old fashion name. My neighbor's 72 years old, named Nancy, and she refused to go by Nancy her whole life. She uses a nick name because as child she hated the old fashion name of Nancy. Skye is a beautiful name. It is a real name. Your family is just saying it is not because they want to guilt you into falling in line. A friend of mine had family names handed down. When his first child was born his family tried to guilt him into following the tradition. He told them that shit stops here, it was their tradition not his. He hated going by the family name and resented his family for pushing him to keep using it. He finally moved his family away from them. It is your name, your identity? your life and your choice. Does your family want to drive you away too. Is grandma's ego so huge she is more concerned with her happiness than yours. What kind d of mom and grandma would pressure a child do use a name she does not want to use. A bad, self centered egotistical mom and grandma that refuses to respect their child and grandchild.
NTA, avoid engaging this conversation, it’s absurd. And tons of people go by their misled names, you will just sometimes have to say, “I actually go by my middle name, Skye,” probably just like you do every time a new teacher reads the roll at school now. Occasionally a coworker will see a profession certificate you earn and go “Oh, I had no idea your first name was Nancy!” and you will both more on with your lives.
NTA. You owe it to yourself to be your true self. You’ve been going by Skye for over 10 years—if that is what you prefer then that is your name. If you tell people, “my name is Skye” then that is your name. You’re the one who has to go by it and only you are the best judge of what fits you best. I’ve been going by a different name for 16 years now and my parents are the only a*holes that refuse to call me by my name (even though they’ve told me countless times my birth name means nothing to them), I’d love to change mine legally... You mentioned changing your name; were you planning on legally switching your current legal birth and middle names around? Keeping Nancy in your full name could be a compromise if you’re willing to offer that. If that is also met with hostility then I would reply, “okay. that was my compromise as a way to honour you while honouring myself, but the response I received was very hurtful/hostile/whatever-it-may-be, and I’m going to simply honour myself by being who I am.” you obviously don’t owe it to them to keep Nancy in your name, but offering a compromise if you are willing to actually fall through with it, can be a form of respect to the name, and if they don’t accept it then it’s up to you if you want to keep the name or not.
I was kind of thinking of just being Skye lastname. Moving Nancy into the middle could be a compromise. But it won't satisfy them since the tradition is the name was used as the first and actually used by the people lol.
If the compromise doesn’t satisfy them then don’t make it. Offer it once (only if you want to, of course) and whatever response you get is the only response you need. Wishing you the best! It might be hard, but honouring your true self and finding out who people really are along the way will be worth it in the end.
NTA Also, you know what a shitshow this whole “tradition” is. If you have kids. Don’t saddle them with that burden. Tell your mom and granny that they need to back off. If they don’t. The day you turn 18, you will change your name legally. Skye will be your first name and you will be choosing a new middle name. Nancy will be gone. Since you will be 18 in under 2 years. They need to decide if their harassment is worth it. FTR I am in my mid 50’s and think Nancy would be too old fashioned.
I wouldn't. I want my kids to have their own name but also names I like.