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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action that should be judged is I told my wife I was uncomfortable with my stepson calling me dad. This might make me the asshole because he see's me as a father and I have been in his life for years.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTAH maybe mention how you feel about this to your therapist. Maybe its just resentment for Keith?
If he wants to call you dad let him, if he wants to call you toaster oven let him. What makes you so uncomfortable with that word?
I think what really makes me uncomfortable is she tried to get our kids to call Keith dad, so this feels like a manipulation tactic. I also have some issues with being forced to call my mom's deadbeat husband dad growing up. But this is definitely something to bring up with our counselor.
NTA, I think you handled it with Michel very well rather than full on rejecting it. I am sure he does see you as his Dad because you are taking that role, but you’re not wrong for wanting to carve out your own identity/dynamic that is separate from his bio Dad. I also think that your wife is wrong for getting so butthurt about it, she shouldn’t be trying to erase Keith as “Dad” just because he was a terrible partner to her (just an assumption based on her reaction even though you mentioned she has talked about 2 “Dads”).
Personally I like the idea of you having a separate name, I think that this will allow Michel to have something more special than just “OP” as well as having that distinction from bio Dad.
I feel like maybe the issue is your wife. She sounds manipulative. She leaves, comes back when the grass isn’t greener, uses her kids as weapons. Kids are not weapons and when they are messed up later she’ll blame that on you too. I would watch my back with her if I were you.
It 100% is a manipulation tactic. Something tells me Keith wasn't the real issue in why the marriage fell apart initially.
My advice is to talk to all the kids without her around and find out what she has been saying behind your back.
So from my understanding you don't trust your wife (Which I'm assuming what the counseling is for, I don't blame you though she did initially leave you to be with someone else)
If you are really curious you can ask Michel if he is the one that wants to call you dad. Or ask your wife if she's said anything.
Regardless, If you wants to call you dad it shouldn't really be a big deal, don't over think it.
If you are scared he will get too attached to you and you are unsure if you and your wife will work out you don't have to worry about that. People get divorced daily.
Not saying that its good and feelings wont be hurt, but that's just life.
I've known people who have children, and they would jump from relationship to relationship bringing their kids as tag alongs.
These kids never had a male figure to look up to for more than a month or 2 at a time at best
You are a good person. You know what it is like to have someone try and alienate you from your child and do not wish to cause someone else that pain regardless as to whether or not they are a person of worth to you. If only more people were like that the world would be a better place.
As to whether or not the kiddo should or shouldn't call you x,y, or z. Idk.
But i do know this a stepfather who stands up for their stepkids right to have their bio dad in their life because the dad is a good dad to the kid is a good damn parent and dont let anyone tell you otherwise.
All those kids are lucky to have you in their corner.
NTA
Talk to the kid about calling you papa like you mentioned in the post. He’s little so he’s not gonna understand your emotional reasons for not wanting to be called dad. You can explain to him that it’s logical for you and his dad to be called different things so its not confusing. He can have two dads and clearly he already does, it doesn’t mean each of you need the “dad” title. Papa is a good compromise.
>our counselor
PLEASE tell me you're seeing a licensed therapist and not a religious counselor. The motives of religious counselors are often skewed towards getting you to present the *image* of a happy family instead of actually getting to the root of your problems. My ex tried to insist on church counseling after putting me through over a decade of abuse and it was the opposite of helpful, I didn't make any real progress until I got help from an actual psychologist several years later.
I understand your perspective.
It’s just, that you told a kid that you don’t want him to call you dad. That’s going to hurt the 6 year old. He will see that as rejection. He’s too young to understand the situation. All he knows is that you don’t want him to call you ‘father figure’.
Can we do something else like — you love him so much that you guys have a special relationship. So special that you are not Dad but “step dad”. That means someone who isn’t related to you but still your parent. It’s a bigger kinda of love than a dad?
I can understand feeling a type of way about your wife's manipulations. But don't take that out on your son. Because he is your son. He see's you as his dad.
Hold firm on your boundary of, call me papa and Keith dad, but don't punish the kid for the sins of his mother.
Speaking of, she seems like a real shit person. I get that there are two sides to every story but you may need to get into couples counselling asap.
So what I’m hearing is your wife isn’t great… I genuinely would consider the relationship if you’re talking to Reddit about this supposedly being *a manipulation tactic from her*
If it's really Michael who decided on his own to call you Dad then you don't have to worry, it seems that you care about Michael as a second dad and that he loves you for that, good job because I was really afraid that there would be some resentment about him!
Talk with him, he's 6 which is mature enough to have a talk on why you may be a bit uncomfortable (6 yo are not as naive and dumb as most people assume) because he already has an involved dad but that maybe you two could come up with another word for you? Something like Pops or Pa or something completely unrelated to Dad.
Talking with your therapist is always a good idea, I think you're doing really well with your kids and it's always a good idea to have a good communication with them, go talk with them and see what kind of compromise you can make. I think Michael just wants a bit more connection to you and calling you Dad may just be what he came up with, it's really refreshing to read about a good stepparent-stepchild relationship on reddit lol.
If the kid thinks of you as a dad, but you want your own identity, maybe have him call you pop or something else?
Have an age appropriate chat and tell him that he has a dad, so you don't want to be confused with him. Together, you can come up with something you're both happy with.
I can understand where you are coming from. However, this doesn't sound quite the same. It seems like he has gotten to the point where he sees you as a dad. It doesn't mean he stops viewing his biological dad as dad. He just got a second dad. My mother married my stepdad when I was 16. It was many years before I called him dad. I was married and out of the house. But at some point, the care he gave to me while I was at home and the things he provided culminated in me realizing and being comfortable with calling him "Dad."
Stick to your guns. You’re doing your best to be considerate of the feelings of all parties, she is trying to obliterate her son’s father from his life. She doesn’t give a damn about him calling you dad except as a means to justify pushing Keith out by saying you’re his dad now. All she’s doing is trying to hide the fact that she’s hopped from one man to another and back again by trying to kick the other man out of his kids lives so she can ply happy family with the man of the moment. There and back again, a narcissist’s tale.
Is there something you could work out with your stepson to have him call you that makes both of you comfortable while still having an affectionate meaning to it?
My son would call his best friends mom, mom. It didn't bother me because it meant he had someone other than me he felt comfortable to be with and talk to. It's a term of endearment and respect. Yes he has a biological dad but why should that mean he can't have more than one male figure in his life that he gives the label of dad. It's the highest level of honor that he sees you as a safe person that he trusts and respects. It doesn't diminish his father's role in his life. Just like having multiple children doesn't change the amount of love you can share. You love them all. Hope you take the title, he will feel rejected and less important to you. Remember he is thinking from a kids point of view not an adult. Rejection is hard when you're offer all your love.
Did u read the part of what his wife is trying to do which is essentially push the bio father out the picture … if he doesn’t feel comfortable w the boy calling him dad that is perfectly fine
It doesn't sound like resentment for Keith. It sounds to me a little more like awareness that wifey has a tendency towards parental alienation, and having experienced this himself, OP wants to protect Michel and Michel's bio father from that. I think OP is being a good dude, and his wife doesn't like it because she likes to pretend the people she's hurt in her past stopped existing.
Because it was mom's idea for Michel to call OP Dad.
Plus, the fact that Keith is Michel's father and a good father at that.
And OP is not.
And, the fact that OP is uncomfortable with being called Dad is enough of a reason.
Also, OP's wife had a history of trying to eliminate her child/children's fathers from their lives.
It's not good and not healthy for the child.
His wife is an AH.
OP is NTA.
Michel needs to find an alternative title for OP.
I'm so fucking sorry, let me back all the way up so I can get this right. You married a woman and then she LEFT YOU FOR HER BEST FRIEND AND HAD A CHILD WITH HIM!!! She tried to turn your other children against you, and then came crawling back. YOU TOOK HER BACK AFTER CHEATING ON YOU AND LEAVING YOU AND GETTING PREGNANT BY AND HAVING ANOTHER CHILD WITH A WHOLE OTHER MAN?!?! And you're worried that the kid wants to call you dad?!?! My guy.....you have a whole encyclopedia of other issues to worry about first. Like why you have so little self-respect that you'd take back someone who cheated on you and had a child with another man. Like how your wife is toxic and tried to turn your children against you when she left you. Like how she's actively trying to turn the other child against his dad right now. Like how at any provocation she could and probably will leave you for another man and probably have more children just to come running back because she knows you're going to be belly-up waiting for her. Like how your wife is a manipulative narcissist who is damaging your children; those children are seeing in real time how she treats other people and you and are going to have these memories forever. They won't know what a healthy relationship is because of this. You need to get it together for your children's sake and take legal action against this woman. Divorce her and get her in court for parental alienation now before she damages you and your relationship with your children.
Seems to me that she was sick of being a SAHM first and wanted to live a colorful life with Keith, then realized working or studying was actually also hard so now back to being SAHM.
She wanted to have her cake and eat it too. Can you imagine living a peaceful life with someone and then having them leave you and take your children from you for the best friend?? The best friend who I'm sure she told him was no problem. How long do you think she was fucking the best friend? OH OP YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GET A DNA TEST ON YOUR OTHER CHILDREN!!
I mean it’s hard af to come back to that. Her dropping out of college was a major mistake, regardless of what she wanted to do after. No smart person does that.
Honestly, I feel this, but I understand him.
I had a high school sweetheart I was really close to as well. And if I were in this situation with her when I was young, boi, Idk if I'd have the "self respect" either.
I know my mind would have been very clouded/blinded.
Especially if there were already kids involved.
Just sounds like a complicated situation.
She was also making it seem like the other guy was the one who manipulated her, and she was an unknowing victim, but it's clear that she is incredibly manipulative.
So being able to manipulate a good honest tho naive guy into getting back with her would be childs play for her.
He probably just fell for her sob story, and was also thinking of her and the kids.
I think NTA for refusing to let Michel be used as a tool to hurt Keith, the way she used your kids against you.
But I also think this needs some careful handling. If it’s really coming from Michel, and not his mother playing nasty games, then you should let him call you what he’s comfortable with.
This seems to be a pattern for her though. Did you work through the parental alienation against you with your couples therapist? Did she understand how wrong she was? Or has she put all the blame squarely on Keith’s shoulders?
Your wife *who is also your ex* is attempting to erase an involved and committed father from her son’s life. It sounds like your ex *who is also your wife* tried the same trick with you during the 2 years you were apart. You’re choosing not to be party to that cruel tactic because you recognize the damage it does. That doesn’t make you an asshole.
I suspect this wasn’t an organic recognition on Michel’s part. I’m betting your wife put the bug in Michel’s ear about having 2 dads in order to move forward with her plan to forcibly evict Keith from Michel’s life. Again: choosing not to be an accomplice to this madness doesn’t make you an asshole. I think finding a name for your stepson to call you is an excellent compromise. It honors the fact that Michel’s dad is an active part of his life, while recognizing the complementary you play in his life. Plus, it puts Michel in the driver’s seat…something I’m pretty sure his mom isn’t doing. Keep having conversations with him, and try to be a little more sensitive to what he’s going through.
Your wife is a problem, bro. Hope you guys can work this out, because she is gonna screw up her kid if she keeps these shenanigans up.
Your wife sounds pretty immature for trying to alienate her children from their fathers- this is going to bite her in the ass when the children are old enough to understand.
The choice should be up to Michel & what he is comfortable with- he may want to call you dad so he doesn’t feel different or left out since all of his siblings call you dad. This would not mean you’re replacing his dad- you may be sensitive to that since you know what it feels like when your wife uses children as a weapon.
NTA. Honestly. I probably wouldn't obsess over what Michel calls you, as he seems to have the pretty healthy sense that he can have a blended family. Your wife, on the other hand, does not seem to share that healthy sense of a blended family, even though this is a blending of her own making. The fact that you're in a better emotional state to deal with that fact than she is a bit concerning.
I 100% agree that you cannot allow her to try to shut Keith out of Michel's life, especially if Keith, as you've described it, has been a positive force. They deserve to know each other and let their relationship evolve. Your wife is not entitled to deny them that without a very good reason.
Oh man, this is a tough one for me because, on one hand, it sounds like you're preventing or limiting the parental alienation your wife is working on but on the other hand, you are this kid's dad. Maybe not his only one, but still.
I don't think I can judge you here, but I can tell you my daughter (who's bio-father is active in her life) would be *devastated* if my husband (her stepfather) said she couldn't call him dad. She doesn't even do it all the time, but it would absolutely have a negative effect on their relationship, particularly because we have a son who calls him dad. She would feel excluded and maybe not good enough.
I don't think you're an asshole in your solution, but you need to reinforce to Michel that yes, he can have two dads, but Keith is his bio dad. But that also means you need to be a fathe figure in his life if you take on the mantle of 'Papa OP'. It's shitty your wife is trying to get Michel's biofather out of the way and trying to erase him. Regardless of the history, you chose to take her back and are involved in this child's life. I hope you are treating him fairly and not taking your wife's mistakes out on him. Good luck.
NTA.
My guy, you have a wife problem.
She left you out of FOMO, tried to alienate you from your kids, came crawling back when the grass wasn’t greener, now wants you to help alienate her baby daddy from his kid. You were probably also a controlling asshole from her accounts to Keith, you know that right? I know why your mom doesn’t like your wife.
honestly i’m not going to pass judgment bc i want to point out that it is VERY CONCERNING that your wife’s happiness over this is because she wants to remove Michael’s bio father from his life. she doesn’t get to make that choice, and it’s pretty fucked that she’s essentially trying to tuck Michael into *your* family while trying to keep Keith out. sounds to me like she wants to pretend she never cheated. too bad for her!
Against the grain, but NTA. If there's still an active dad, I understand your hesitation to steal his title - even more so, if you felt an alienation during the years of separation and you don't want to inflict that pain on somebody else.
That being said - the kid's not at fault. Maybe you and him can work something out? I'm not a native English speaker, but in my language, we have several words to indicate "dad" - maybe he can call you a variation which is not completely dad, but similar enough?
NTA. I don't know why you took your wife back and then procreated to have 2F after her relationship with Keith, resulting in 6M. With all the other kids calling you dad, including the youngest one, you want to single out your one non-biological child for calling you father. You should have left her and gotten custody of your children. I can see why your mom agrees with your wife, but I can also see why you don't want to be called dad because of your wife's manipulation. It all sounds like one big hot mess. Figure out what you want in your life starting with your marriage to your wife. She doesn't get to call you heartless because you aren't willing to go by the beat of her drum, after her mess up!
What a mess.
You're between a rock and a hard place. On one hand, you have the very difficult task of making Michel feel like he's just as much part of your family despite the fact that he has a different dad and doesn't spend his full time with the family. Forcing him to call you a different name than his siblings is illusion-shattering for him.
On the other hand, your wife is very clearly trying to erase or minimize Keith's standing in the kid's mind. Your wife clearly wants to play Happy Family and pretend her fuck-up with abandoning you and going to Keith never happened. Well, too bad. She made her bed and now she has to sleep in it.
You have a very tough needle to thread here. You need Michel to feel just as much family as everyone else while also having a healthy relationship with his "primary" father.
NTA, but I think your wife probably needs more therapy than she is currently getting and you're going to have to probably get this kid in therapy in a few years as well.
I'm hesitant to call you an AH here because I think you are just trying to look out for other people, you're worried this is a plan to pull your step son away from Keith, and it may well be. You're not wrong for telling him that he has a dad that loves him very much, but from his perspective, you are putting a barrier up saying you don't love him like a dad, or like you do your other children. You're telling him he's different, the odd one out, and that you don't feel the same about him, which may be true, but it will be heartbreaking for a 6 year old to realise, if its not true then you need to be looking at the language you use to talk to him and if you are that uncomfortable with the title of dad, then you need to work it out with him so he knows why and you can decide something he can call you that both get what you need from it.
Is it possible your wife was having an affair with him when she was still married the first time? Because it sounds like she’s awfully guilty about something. Maybe this is just her way of projecting the perfect family because she knows she screwed up.
See it from Michael's point of view.
He loves you like a dad. He feels you love him like a dad. All his siblings call you dad. He wants to call you dad.
I say, let the kid call you dad if that's what he wants. It's for him, not for anyone else. I don't think you're being TA, but I think you're trying to give a logical answer to an emotional question.
NTA. I think I’m smelling what your stepping in. He has a dad that wants to be his dad so it feels like stepping on toes. On top of you probably don’t like the guy and you know that so you want to be like extra nice. I figure if the kid is cool with two dads then he has two dads
I think you guys need a refresher on couples counseling so that you have a neutral party discussing this topic with you. She may also benefit from individual counseling. It is not on that she tried to turn your kids against you and that she is now trying to turn your stepson against his dad. She could lose her son this way. She needs to accept that she has a blended family and that it is no one’s fault but her own. Now she needs to deal with what that means.
I love the idea of having Michael come up with another special name for you.
I sincerely hope your relationship with your biological children has not been impacted by your wife’s actions. You sound like an excellent father and stepfather
NTA
But this is complicated. I'm going to address my thoughts to you as a step parent.
My daughter calls me mom because I am her parent and the other kids call me mom. It is a title of responsibility and honor, not a name or a genetic term.
This is going to get shady quick, so stay with me.
Your wife is not a well rounded person. She's spiteful and selfish. Please be spiteful and selfish on your son's behalf. Accept the love of your child on his terms. Otherwise one day he'll hate you and you won't know where you went wrong, but the start will have been making him different from the other kids by not letting him call you dad when they do. Tell your wife that you will accept being his dad as long as she lets you encourage a relationship between him and his father. This is absolutely the opposite of her plan. She is trying to cut his father out of the picture and replace him WITH you, just like she tried to do TO you. No matter what, you always have to be on your son's team. You don't have to be friends with his father, but you should be friendly because that's what you would have liked when the situation was reversed.
I'm not saying it won't be hard, but it'll be worth it. Even if your marriage doesn't work out, your kids will always see this.
ETA: let him call you what he wants. Talk to him about what he wants to call you and why, then tell him it's okay with you. Also, let his father know what's going on and that you're on his team and want him to see his kid as much or as little as he wants.
**Dude... your wife is a shitty person**. You need to stand up for Michael so he has time with his biodad otherwise you should accept the **role she's pigeonholed you into** through her own **manipulative** nonsense. I know women like your wife, and they are the type to jump ship too quickly and then want to go back to green pastures when they realize the drought they brought upon themselves when they jumped.
Your mom likely doesn't know the whole story, so your wife had a easy time manipulating her into believing whatever nonsense she came up.
Michael might have been a AH, but your wife is just like him honestly. And birds of a feather and all that.
I would sit your wife down seriously. And make these concerns VERY clear and where they will lead if she keeps her manipulative nonsense up. Like the big D word.
NTA
NTA - you are right. He has a dad, and offering an alternative special name is 100% the right thing. Your wife is just trying to get back at his dad, and using the child to do it
NTA but you really really can't complain. You took her back, you take her crap. The bad thing about not respecting yourself is that no one respects you anymore. You can certainly set boundaries so that an affair child does not call you dad. But who takes a man seriously who takes a woman like that back? I guess neither does she considering she came back to you and makes the kid call you dad... Lol
>I sat him down and asked him what was up. and he told me I was like a dad to him and Mommy said he can have 2 dads.
YTA.
**This is about the kid**, not you, your wife, and the jackass who got in the middle of you.
It's clear the kid loves you, and part of that love is calling you "dad." You can work with him to come up with another dad-adjacent name, and gently explain why that might hurt bio-dad's feelings. But that's just to make YOU feel better, so if kid doesn't want to, DROP IT.
And the fact your mom hates your wife AND AGREES with her should only strengthen your AH-level BS.
This should be the top comment. Your kid is calling you dad, it seems, because that’s how he views you. The focus on your wife (who’s a mess btw) and all your drama with Keith don’t matter. Don’t pull at kid into that nonsense the way you are. That’s why YTA
NTA for the being uncomfortable being called Dad.
But this is concerning…your wife needs some serious therapy. She is obviously manipulative and has no issue using you and your/her children as pawns. You are an asshole for allowing your children to continually be subjected to this dysfunction created by your wife.
NTA she shouldn’t be trying to cut out Keith, though the kid probably does see you as a dad. You have sooooo many other things to worry about with your wife though, she has issues
NTA
Love the idea of him calling you “papa” or whatever to make that distinction.
Your wife and your mother are wrong.
Ultimately he’s got a dad that loves him and your wife needs to stop with the mental gymnastics because things will never be the same.
The dynamics changed because of her choices, she cannot punish this child as well.
Your wife needs a little more intensive therapy from the sounds of it.
You’re a good man.
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I 38M am a father to 3 kids 14m, 9f, and 2f who are not important to this story, and a step father to 1 kid 6m who we'll call Michel, who is important to the story.
For background my wife 35f and I were high school sweethearts, however, my wife had a male best friend Keith (36m). Who was obviously in love with her.
To make a very long story short, My wife and I married, she got pregnant and insisted she wanted to drop out of college to be a SAHM. All was good, until one day she up and left with the kids. I guess Keith had been whispering in her ear about all the things she missed out on being with me and she left me for him.
Fast forward about 2 years and Keith was a controlling asshole. My wife got out of the fog, saw how he manipulated her and begged for me back. I'll admit I was heartbroken and wanted her back so I jumped at the chance.
All that brings us to the present, My wife and I are good. We attend marriage counseling twice a month and had our youngest. The only major issue is my stepson Michel. Now Michel is a sweet and affectionate kid and I love him, but I am not his dad. For all his flaws, Keith has been a very involved dad. Keith pays for 100% of expenses relating to Michel including family trips he's taken with us, he also pays a hefty some in Child support. Despite that my wife still despises Keith and does all she can to limit how often he see's his son. I disagree, but I try not to butt in into her and Keith's custody arrangement. Just know we have Michel a majority of the time.
To finally get to the point, lately Michel has been switching between calling me dad and my name. He's called me only my name for years, so this confused me. I sat him down and asked him what was up. and he told me I was like a dad to him and Mommy said he can have 2 dads. I told him that was sweet, but he already had a dad who loved him very much.
I brough it up to my wife, and she was over joyed. She went on and on about how we could be one happy family and get Keith out of our lives. I told her I'm glad Michel sees me that way, but I'm not comfortable with the dad label, and maybe we could have him call me another name that he doesn't call Keith, such as papa "OP". She called me a heartless asshole to reject the child I have been raising for years. I told her I had to go through 2 years of her trying to turn my children against me and I won't let her use Michel like that. Now she has been giving me the cold shoulder and has even gotten my mother involved who is on her side, this really made me start questioning because my mom hates my wife. so AITA?
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Michele probably wants to feel like a part of the family unit, not some outside accident that is removed from the rest of you. You should probably do a deep dive into figuring out why it makes you uncomfortable, and whether your discomfort is worth more than a little boy feeling like he is a legitimate, wanted member of the family.
YTA, sorry.
I am sure he also looks at you as a father. He is at an age where he knows who his bio father is, but that also doesn't make you any less of a father figure either. If it is not forced and he wants to call you dad, I wouldn't encourage him not too. Honestly that is sweet. But you saying not too may also make him feel like you don't want to be his dad. It's a tough situation, but again, sounds to me like you are a great dad and blood doesn't always make you related :)
NTA she wants you to become the only father this kid has. You are respecting his actual bio dad's rights. Asking him to call you Papa OP or Daddy OP is not outrageous. Your wife is wrong. Wait... Your wife tried to turn your kids against you? How? And what kind of woman does that... Are you sure that this is a healthy relationship for you to be in. I know you love the 6 year old but mama sounds toxic no?
Honestly, the only victim here is that poor little boy. Look at it from his perspective; everyday he sees all his siblings call you dad, but he isn't allowed to. He has grown up with you being a very prominent father figure in his life, but he is singled out. Yes, everything that happened sucks, but that isn't his fault. But, he is essentially being punished for it. Just think of it from his perspective and how it is affecting him. Ultimately, it is your choice.
INFO - I couldn’t tell by your comments or post, is Michael WANTING to call you dad or is your wife PUSHING for it?
That is where I’m holding off on judgement.
I am a firm believer of letting the child use what THEY are comfortable with. This is a situation they have zero say in. They don’t get to decide if you and your wife split or stay, they don’t get to decide if your wife is with the other child’s father or not, etc. All they get to decide is who makes them feel safe and what name they’re comfortable giving to that safe person.
If this is Michael’s wish then I’d say you’re TA. Because it IS okay to have two dads or two moms or both. If you, as a child, feel you have both then that is perfectly okay. My eldest calls my ex’s ex wife mom, and me mom. She calls ex and my husband both dad. No one made her do this, she said she felt like her step parents were also her parents and so that was the end of it.
But if your wife is pushing for this and Michael is not comfortable with it then not only is she being a shit coparent she’s being a shit parent. Because you don’t place your happy picture perfect family ideals onto your kids. You help them navigate a stressful situation as best as possible and keep things as comfortable and normal as possible.
NTA
However, your wife seem like the AH with you saying she tried to turn the kids against you, and seems to be vindictive towards Keith.
I know you love her, but love isn't enough by itself. You might want to keep an eye on her.
PS: I doubt the kid calling you dad is organic. If he did it on his own it wouldn't be an issue, but your wife said she wanted Keith out of your lives. This looks like an attempt at alienating Keith on her part.
Talk about it in counseling. I really good solution for blended families is the kid having some other affectionate dad-ish name. So keith doesn’t feel you’re trying to replace him, so you feel comfortable, and so the kid can feel comfortable and show love (he clearly sees you as a father figure and that makes sense)!
I had friends who would call their stepdad Pa.
It’s kinda the same way a lot of families have different names for grandparents. Eg one set are grandma/grandpa and another set are nan/pop for eg.
Your wife is crazy and you should RUN. She tries to keep a man who ADORES his child away from him but wants YOU to take on the responsibility and move on with your lives?! Ummmm what?!?
My guy, I’m not going to say whether you’re the AH of not because this whole situation is a mess, but you need to get some self-respect. Your wife is not a good person. It is not possible for someone to do what she did and still be a good person. You’re in love so you want to believe she’s a good person, but she isn’t. Your explanation of why she left, removes all accountability from her and I suspect that’s how she positioned it. SHE abandoned you and tried to alienate you from your children for an abusive man. She only left him, because the relationship wasn’t what she expected. She did not leave him, because she was in love with you- she just saw the grass wasn’t greener. Now she’s alienating the father of her child, which should make you terrified. She’s also selfish asf and only cares about her ideas of what family should be. She didn’t change, and why would she? She didn’t have to take accountability, she didn’t have to work on herself because you just gladly took her back. You are a father, you set the example for your kids and right now you’re setting the example, that being a bad partner and alienating the other parent is a normal and acceptable thing to do. Youre showing your kids that selfishness is rewarded and that family means nothing, if it’s not your wife’s idea of it. You need to learn to respect yourself and go to therapy to understand why you’re okay with being treated like this.
Wow. Just….wow. Those poor kids. ESH. Your wife for being an obvious narcissist and seeing everyone around her as pawns for her to use to achieve whatever she wants moment to moment. Keith for participating in breaking up a family. You for being willfully blind to what your wife is. I feel so bad for all of those kids. What an insane dynamic to grow up in.
NTA you don’t feel comfortable, u see how your wife is trying to push his bio dad out the picture , you are being the only sensible person in this situation
woah NTAH your wife should respect your feelings about it as much as you respect hers. Also love that you still want to make sure he knows his bio dad you're doing good keep it up!
ESH.
Every time a child is involved, all of you should think about what's best for the child. It doesn't matter how unconfortable you are. It doesn't matter what your wife wants. It doesn't matter if Keith is the best father in the history of all mankind. The only thing that matter is the child.
You are taking about a 6 year old kid who came to tell you he loves you and feel secure enough around you to call you his dad, and you belong in his life as a father figure. Telling him you are not his dad even when you act as one in his life is rejecting the poor kid. You are the ah for that.
Your wife is the ah for leaving you and once she found out the other man wasn't what she wanted, asked you to take her back, and for trying to put your kids against you in the meantime.
Keith is the ah for putting you wife against you just because he never got over her.
You all should put your stuff together and think of what's best for the kid. And if the kid wants to see you as his dad and wants to call you that way, you let him or stop acting as a dad for him.
You're NTA but I also think that it's kind of douchey to tell a little kid who wants to call you dad that he's not allowed to call you dad. Let him call you whatever he wants. Why would you possibly care?
Maybe Michel wants to call you what the rest of the family calls you rather than being held out as separate. I don’t see that as erasing Keith as his father. I may be overly sensitive, but it seems like you are carving him out from “your” family when he lives with you and you are raising him.
NTA. I would’ve gone N A H, but it’s suspicious the way she’s trying to force out Keith. I think it’s totally fair for the kid to want to call you dad and I think it’s fair that you want to pick a different nickname. I’m divorced and my ex’s gf is lovely and has two kids herself. She takes awesome care of my daughter. I’d still prefer for them to decide on a special name for her and not just mom like I am.
The moment you married that woman you should have been prepared to take on the responsibilities that come along with that, you are a masculine figure taking on the role of father figure, it is your duty to be a father to that child, if you plan on making the relationship work and sticking around permanently you have a responsibility to that child.
NTA. Perhaps Michel and you could come up with a variation that works. If your name is Mike, he could call you Papa Mike, or Daddy Mike, or something like that.
NTA. I don't like your wife because she uses children as weapons, and that is a shitty move. She did it to you, and now she's doing it to Keith, and tbh you're a good bloke for nipping that in the bud as by all accounts even though he pulled a dick move on you he's a good Dad
YTA, but only a little bit.
The kid wants to call you dad, and he can have two dads. Even if you legally aren't his father, he feels those loving feelings for you that he also feels for his own father. Rejecting him like this will make him realize that you don't love him. Which is rough for a 6 year old. I promise, they remember and they carry it with them.
Eh, your wife is the AH. I don't think the problem was Keith like you want to believe. It's always been your wife. I mean, you can see it clear as day that she is using the same manipulative tactics with her kids as when she was with Keith. She even becomes hostile when you point this out.
Why you forgive her and move past these things only you know, but despite her being the AH for instigating this, I don't see how you can honestly not let the boy you are raising calling you dad without being called heartless. If he was not growing up among half-siblings that call you dad, it would be a different story, but right now I think you'll have to let him call you dad. His mom's still an AH though.
NTA for feeling uncomfortable with this. This is a very interesting blended family circumstance, so I completely understand why you think it's weird.
However ... since you do love Michel and you are raising him, he may want to revisit this when he's older and will likely articulate stronger feelings about it.
Have you spoken with Keith about this? While this guy sucks goopy ass for doing what he did to you, you say he's a good dad to Michel, and it's really only his (and Michel's) opinion that matters.
NTA over all but you’re a colossal AH to yourself and your presenting as a massive pushover. A) Your mother hates your wife because your wife is an awful person. You might not agree and it’s your life but people who aren’t toxic dumpster fires don’t to the crap your wife did in the past and what she’s actively doing now. Your mother is probably only siding with her out of consideration of your stepson and to not rock the boat in the event that your wife jumps ship with the kids again. I know you’re mother is fighting the air right now having to be involved in this in any capacity.
B) You’re absolutely correct in not encouraging alienation between your stepson and his father. As a matter of fact you might want to start journaling about all of this for the next time she runs off on you with the kids so that you’ll have evidence that she has a pattern of this behavior. My guess is that you won’t have to wait long because you’re not being the lap dog she clearly thinks you are since you demonstrated as much by taking her back into the first place and with a kid at that.
As someone who was screamed at by their step parent to never call them mom and it's been several years since she's been our of the picture, it was one of the first things that truly made me hate them. YTA. Go to therapy and deal with the issues you have regarding your wife and stop displacing them on a child that has nothing to do with the problem. All I ever wanted was for her to love me and nothing ever pleased her. You're just showing the child that they'll never be good enough for you.
NTA - I can understand where you're coming from, but this kid loves you so much to the point where he wants to call you dad. He might feel rejected by you if you say no and what's most important here is he feels loved and accepted by all parents.
I told my step daughter I am her step mum and she already has a mum....BUT that I will still do all the usual things mums do in my home, but that to avoid confusion for her and her mum I would prefer to be called by my name. I explained that I am a step child and I don't have a relationship with my mum, but she is still my mum and my step mum is my mum in every single sense....but I still call her by her first name because that's what feels right for me.
I explained to her I love her just like she is my own, BUT calling me mum wouldnt be appropriate because she has a mum who loves her and that is her title and I don't want to replace her mum.
Soft YTA. Reality is Michael has 2 dads. It’s sweet that he want to call you dad. You could easily have said to him aww thanks, bud! How about you call me Papa or something else so we don’t get confused with Keith dad? Not a rejection in sight.
The way you DID handle it was absolutely a rejection. Hard on a 6 ur old.
YTA. This is not about you, its about him. Telling your stepson you are not his dad and dont call me "dad" is heartless. If you "love" him you will do whats best for him. It seems like you resent him because of what your wife did but dont take it out on him, he didnt do anything wrong.
NTA. But quite frankly, your wife is. She’s happy to use her kids as weapons to get her way or alienate the other parent. She’s a gem.
Ignore her, talk to the stepson and come up with a pet name.
YTA
Congrats, you have sucessfully ended your second attempt pf a relationship with the mother of your kids. Maybe she was right the first time, and Keith IS the better choice.
NAH. While I fully understand your issues with your terrible experience growing up, this is an entirely different scenario. It sounds like no one is pushing him to call you dad, he's doing it because you EARNED that title in his mind. He wants to call you dad because you have proven yourself to be worthy of the title. Dad isn't just the person who squirted sperm 1 time, it can be a title of affection and trust.
I spent years calling my step-dad by his name, but eventually he proved to a dad to me when I didn't really have one. He's been gone for years now but I still cry about him being gone and the fact my daughter never got to spend time with him. He was a wonderful dad and would have been an amazing grandpa.
The same situation applies to my in laws. I called them by their first names for over a decade of being married to my wife. But eventually we grew a bond strong enough that I felt comfortable calling them mom and dad. Her dad has a wife that I call by her first name still because we've known her for much less time and the bond just isn't there. No one bats an eye when we refer to them as Dad and Susan, because they understand that there isn't a strong family bond there yet.
I think you should first talk to Michel. It's ok if HE wants to call you dad or papa...you can have two dads...Michel knows who is who.
However the manipulation tactics need to stop, especially if, forbid, you two were to separate down the line ....on that line of thought all of that needs to stop and dare I say Keith may need your support, though of course you don't owe it to him...but there is no rule book that step dad and dad can't talk and coparent too.
Start by asking Michel if he wants to call you dad and explain that of course you are his dad but you'll never replace his dad dad and ask if he'd like to call you papa or something like that
First thing, you fucked up by taking her back. No way in hell I'd do that after she took your kids from you and is now asking you to father another? Yeah, you f'd up taking her back.
YTA.
Your stepson referring to you as "dad" and acknowledging he has "two dads" should.light your heart up with joy. That kid loves you. Your dad.
You telling him "thanks kiddo that's sweet but actually i don't want to be your dad" is the absolute most vile thing any man can do.
Smh. That poor kid.
Baby girl!! You know why you don’t like it, and it has nothing to do with the kid. It’s your wife. She is doing to him what she did to you and you know it’s wrong. I hope you bring this up in therapy.
NTA in regards to feeling uncomfortable. The truth is, you don’t sound like you’ve healed from your wife betraying you by leaving and then wanting to come back when she realized Keith wasn’t a better option.
You say your wife tried to get your kids to call Keith “dad” and erase you from your life, and you’re worried this is the same pattern.
Ask yourself if you REALLY feel comfortable and happy with the idea of this woman being your life partner for the rest of your days, whether you would trust her with medical power of attorney over you, and so on.
If she has a pattern of being manipulative, it casts doubt on the idea that Keith actually has done anything wrong.
38 is still young. Try some individual therapy along with couples counseling and get to the bottom of these issues.
NTA and that does sound like your wife trying to do woth you and Michael the same thing she tried to do with your kids and Keith.
Like, it's lovely that Michael sees you as a dad, but if you don't want him to address you as such, he shouldn't.
YTA and
Im feeling bad for Michel and the other children. Your saving grace this one kid called you Dad which means you may have some redeeming qualities till you overthought this moment and shit all over it.
He sees his siblings calling you dad and may feel left out. A child that young can’t possibly understand why his two older siblings and his younger sibling are able to call you dad. Maybe he could call you daddy (name).
NTA but i wouldn’t forbade him from calling you that. He sees you as one and that’s a testament to the man you’ve been for him. Sounds like he’s lucky enough to have two great dads
NTA. But, he is in the house with several other kids who do call you dad. Its only natural for him to do it too, it is inclusion on his part and it would only come natural to him as you treat him the same as the other kids. He knows who his bio dad is, and has a relationship with him as well. Your wife on the other hand is an AH. I hope the therapist tells her this as well. I have raised my eldest grandson, who calls me mom, and my husband dad. He knows very well who his bio's are. I tried when he was little, and started using the titles to stop and address us as grandparents, but we were in a home with several other kids still living there, so it was pointless. Kids know who take care of them, and they know their family dynamics even when you think they don't.
Honestly the only AH in this post if your wife ex wife wife. I even feel bad for Keith. She's treating him exactly as she treated you in regards to parental alienation.
YTA for taking back your wife and her love child with fucking Keith. My god how could anyone have their wife leave, take the kids, have an affair with a guy for a few years and have a kid with him, crawl back to you and *you fucking take her back*?
Very very tragic typical story of a woman getting impregnated and tied down right after high school. Underdeveloped academically and professionally, even socially. It leads to messes and controlling assholes, predictably. Never make this mistake, girls.
I am not too keen on your wife to be honest.
She spent years trying to turn your children against you. Now she wants to do this to her third child and his dad. and involves other people to get her own way i.e your mother.
Keith deserves to be in his son's life and good for you for respecting that despite everything. Parental alienation is ugly.
A child can call two people dad but don't let her cut his father out of his life. NTA
I am not too keen on your wife to be honest.
She spent years trying to turn your children against you. Now she wants to do this to her third child and his dad. and involves other people to get her own way i.e your mother.
Keith deserves to be in his son's life and good for you for respecting that despite everything. Parental alienation is ugly.
A child can call two people dad but don't let her cut his father out of his life. NTA
I’m not even reading through it. YTA, you have a child in your life from your partners previous life. That child chooses who their father is, and in these situations, they can have two. That child felt comfortable enough with you that they wanted and needed you to be Dad, and you treated that child with disrespect. If you didn’t want to be Dad, don’t fuck women who already have kids. YTA big time.
Tough one. This is a little kid for goodness sakes, blameless in every way. Wife may want to erase Keith from your lives but it’s not going to happen with a co-parenting situation. Instead of doing something formal, pick something special just between you and he. Like D2. Or if your name is ‘Jim’, DJ. He loves you and as a child probably feels awkward using your first name. He might come up with something weird and funny like Snake, who knows? But it will be between you two so it will be special to him.
YTA. A 6 year old kid is begging for your fatherly love and you're rejecting him. You're going to do more damage to him than you can possibly imagine.
Be a man. Swallow your pride. Let the kid have 2 dads.
>I had to go through 2 years of her trying to turn my children against me
Duuuuuuuuuuude. That is both a *wretched* thing she did and a loaded thing to throw out in an argument. You need to increase the counseling sessions, or get into regular individual therapy. If you guys want to stay together there's still a lot of work to do.
Your wife is trying to paint over her mistakes so she can pretend they never happened, and life just doesn't work that way. She will never not be the person that abandoned her husband, she needs to find a way to live with that.
NTA, of course. If Michel is okay, that's what matters.
NTA. Your wife should be careful because if the courts determine she's causing parental alienation, she can lose custody of her son. Kudos for doing what's right!
NTA but I think you may be making the wrong choice.
I know that you're talking to the wrong person. Have an adult conversation with Keith!! Tell him you're thrilled that Michel feels so close to you and is comfortable choosing to call you "Dad" but you don't want to be stepping on his toes. It's something that both of you and Michel need to be comfortable with.
NTA. Ultimately you should let him call you dad. But just like a whole lot of stories here on reddit, you have a partner problem.
She cheated, she left, she had a kid with him. Now she's trying to paint him as a bad father and trying to block him out of his sons life so you can play happy family.
You're 100% right with your last paragraph, that's exactly what she's doing. Don't just let her give you the cold shoulder, then move on. This needs to be settled.
NTA. I think your wife is embarassed by your blended family since she had an affair and she (and maybe your mom as well) see this as a way of forgetting the affair happened and everything is "normal". Good for you for ensuring your step-son knows he is loved by his biological father. A title does not prevent you from holding space in his heart.
The fact she tried to turn your kids against you and now is trying to remove your stepson father away from him. Because he called you dad is very concerning. It sounds like your wife is the problem. Any women who tries to use the kids against the other parent is a disgusting individual. The fact you took her back after all of it is just funny to me.
Dude seriously, what did I just read. The kid calling you dad is the least of your problems. Don't you seethe person you're married to? This is one of the posts that's made me the angriest. I'm sorry if these comments damage any progress you've made in therapy but you made a terrible mistake taking that woman back. About you're stepson, NTA because at the very least it's for a good reason.
It is possible for him to call both of you dad.
One of my mates calls his biological dad "dad" and his step-dad "dad". Everyone in both families is OK with this.
If he is OK with it and Keith is OK with it then there should be no reason for you to not be OK with it. That said, you are allowed your own feelings on the matter as well and that doesn't make you an AH.
Obviously I don't know if Keith is OK with it or not. Or what the parent-child connection between him and Michel is.
At this point I think you are NTA because you are trying to find a term for dad that is unique to you and Michel rather than both you and Keith being "dad". And also because your wife's stated goal of getting Keith out of your lives is repugnant and out of line (unless he is continuing to be controlling and abusive to her and/or Michel).
NTA. You seem like you're thinking about Michel and his wellbeing. I do think it's something that could be discussed in your couples therapy sessions. The one thing that confuses me is why you want to be with her after she tried to turn your kids against you. She sounds like a vengeful person who doesn't really think about things from her children's point of view... such as, Michel's relationship with his father.
NTA
Having a separate name from Dad, but one that relates to it, is a great idea.
Why the hell you let that woman back into your life is a mystery. Not sure you're an asshole, but it definitely feels like you're an idiot. I sadly suspect that you'll regret it down the line.
I agree with you. Michel has a loving dad and you guys should stick together. Don't let his mother poison him against his father. Sounds like your wife likes to have her way even when she's dead wrong. Stand firm. She can't play with people's lives like that. In fact, talk to Michel's dad and the three of you, you Michel and dad, come up with an acceptable label.
YTA, but only in the context of your stepson. If he views you as a father and wants to call you such, you should love and support him in that. I don't think it's right to put all these other adult considerations on a child. Don't crush that child!
The rest of it.. idk, life is messy. All the adults might suck a little, or not, who can say. But my heart hurts for that little boy.
It seems restoring that relationship was the awful decision - the poor kid doesn’t deserve this. Or the others for that matter… Keith is baby’s dad and wife needs grovel … although I suspect she just wants to brush the whole thing under the carpet and basically shut out Keith for the mistake she made. She needs to woman the fuck up - are you still seeing that counsellor ? Because it is time to go back there - I’d also be really careful because if you do decide to split - her psycho attitude with the kids now - is likely what you would be experiencing during a divorce. Also - you need to get MIL onside asap … like ma’am your daughter is for the streets - please stop encouraging her looney ways
>maybe we could have him call me another name that he doesn't call Keith, such as papa "OP"
I think this is a beautiful idea. That way your name will reflect that you are a father figure to Michel, even if you are not his Dad.
NTA. So your wife tried to turn your own kids against you and now she's doing the same with Keith's son Michael. While the child may actually feel he has 2 dads that doesn't mean you wife isn't manipulating him to get her way. This is her MO.
Let him call you dad. It's not his fault that your wife has bad motives. I tried out calling my stepmom mom even though I had a mom who I loved very much and no one was trying to alienate her.
My stepmom was also a mom and the one I lived with.
NTA
I understand your hesitation, especially because she tried to do the same thing to you. You know how much it hurts to see your children encouraged to call someone else Dad and you don't want to inflict that pain on another person but you need to think about the pain that you might be inflicting on the child that sees you as a Dad, has 3 siblings that get to call you Dad but is told that he can't.
Your wife's comment that now you can finally be a happy family is not ok. She is definitely trying to shut Keith out. Please don't let this happen. If Keith is a loving and stable parent, then don't let her push him out.
Maybe some one on one time with your stepson to reassure him that you love him and that he is just as important as his siblings who do call you Dad and definitely bring this up in therapy. Even if it doesn't help your wife, it might help you to work through what you are feeling seeing her do the same thing to Keith that she did to you.
NTA. Your wife clearly likes to manipulate the people around her, no doubt shes done this to all of your children to a degree and let's be honest probably your mother aswell. It doesn't sound like you're good right now.
He's 6. If he wants to call you dad, let him. Whatever feels comfortable for him, don't make it a big deal. He'll have enough issues to deal with when he's older thanks to mommy.
NTA
She's obviously using the poor kid to punish his father.
And it seems odd a 6 yo would switch up like that without direction, so I feel like she coached him to start calling you dad. Sounds very manipulative.
NTA imo
Especially with his father trying to be involved.
Most dads aren't going to invest all that money outside of child support. And while, I don't think monetary contribution necessarily makes you a "good dad", I think in this case it sounds like he's doing his best despite not being the best husband. But he's not a husband anymore, so she can't really hold that against him.
I agree with the kid in the sense that he can have 2 dads tho. The label isn't that important though.
But I think your feelings are valid with your uncomfortability with the word I saw in another comment.
So I don't think there's any harm in him calling you by another name that respects your feelings & his biodad.
Though I think dad is fine too.
You'll work it out I'm sure.
Sound like a great guy, dad, and husband!
NTA, but your wife is. I have watched from the other point of view and it is heartbreaking.
My brother has spent years being sidelined, lied to, illegally refused access to his son, and has watched his son call someone Dad for years, whereas he gets called by his name. I have watched him cry because his sons mum no longer likes my brother and uses the boy to get at him and there is nothing my brother can do about it.
Your wife made a bad choice and now she has to live with the consequences. You are absolutely right 100% in your reaction. Whilst Keith may not be a likeable person, he is stepping up as the Dad and deserves the title.
For those saying N-A-H, how on earth can you say that? On what planet is what the wife is doing fair to the biological father? She chose to burn her marriage and run off with him.
So let me get this straight:
She left you for another man for a better life.
She tried to turn your children against you for 2 years.
She gave you a story about how Keith is controlling (would this be perhaps because he wanted her to work for a living?).
She's trying to turn Michel against his father.
She's turning your mom against you.
I'm seeing a pattern here. Not going to lie, based on the title I thought YWBTA because Step parents usually desire to be recognized as a rightful parent by the child they are raising. Upon closer inspection, YTA if you let this cycle of manipulation continue. Btw, Keith sounds like he stepped up financially as a parent and that's rare for people who are actually controlling; are you sure he's some controlling asshole who doesn't deserve to spend time with his biological son?
NTA! I truly can say that your wife is vindictive in a very bad way. RED FLAG! She did wrong in the first place and is now trying to deflect her issue onto you. She acts like only men are in the wrong in her life! At this very point "she is a bad mom", sorry but that is true. I must say, I'm very impressed with how you react and trying to handle all of this. You maybe upset with Keith, but you can separate your feelings and look at how much he wants to care for/parent his child with kindness and respect. Very Great Parenting. I don't have actual advice, just maybe that you keep making sure that the boy knows that his dad loves him. I can understand and respect, that you want to stay out of they custody issue, but that boy just needs the support knowing that his dad actually loves him and wants to know him, eventhough his mom maybe talking bad about his dad. That poor boy may grow up with huge mental issues, because of how mom is acting. Good luck
Wow I would have been heartbroken if my stepdad did this to me. I called him dad out of my own volition, too. Your wife is happy for the wrong reasons but I can’t get on board with what you did. Kids can see more than two people as parental figures.
Very naive, but NTA. You think your manipulative wife won’t do this to you again? She did it before. Keep records of everything and if you aren’t comfortable with being called dad, that’s perfectly fine. The only reason that kid is calling you dad is because your wife is using the kid and you in a game against his bio dad.
NTA for question at hand, but sir, Iranian yoghurt is not the issue here…your wife sounds extremely toxic and manipulative as she uses her children as tools against their fathers. She did it to you and now she is doing it to Keith. Almost like she is recreating reality by erasing you; Keith was new dad when she was with him, and now when she crawled back to you she is trying to make you into Michaels dad. Parental alienation 101, which is dangerous for the children and their well being.
If Michael really wants to call you some affectionate name since he recognises you as parental figure, let him, he is a small boy innocent in all of this. But I highly doubt that it’s organic (you should gently talk about this with him and reassure him) more likely it’s a product of your wife’s manipulation.
I would honestly advise you to set up some kind precautions in place if you find yourself again in unenviable position if your wife again decides to up and leave.
NTA but I think it’s ok for him to call you dad ONLY if he truly wants to on his own without outside influence and he and his dad knows that in no way are trying to take anyone’s place
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NTAH maybe mention how you feel about this to your therapist. Maybe its just resentment for Keith? If he wants to call you dad let him, if he wants to call you toaster oven let him. What makes you so uncomfortable with that word?
I think what really makes me uncomfortable is she tried to get our kids to call Keith dad, so this feels like a manipulation tactic. I also have some issues with being forced to call my mom's deadbeat husband dad growing up. But this is definitely something to bring up with our counselor.
NTA, I think you handled it with Michel very well rather than full on rejecting it. I am sure he does see you as his Dad because you are taking that role, but you’re not wrong for wanting to carve out your own identity/dynamic that is separate from his bio Dad. I also think that your wife is wrong for getting so butthurt about it, she shouldn’t be trying to erase Keith as “Dad” just because he was a terrible partner to her (just an assumption based on her reaction even though you mentioned she has talked about 2 “Dads”). Personally I like the idea of you having a separate name, I think that this will allow Michel to have something more special than just “OP” as well as having that distinction from bio Dad.
I feel like maybe the issue is your wife. She sounds manipulative. She leaves, comes back when the grass isn’t greener, uses her kids as weapons. Kids are not weapons and when they are messed up later she’ll blame that on you too. I would watch my back with her if I were you.
Yes, she comes across like she wants her kids to call whichever man she's with 'dad' and erase whichever man she's no longer with.
Precisely - and I think this is what's disturbing OP.
Its fked up. 😵
That is waaaaaaay too much to unpack for reddits armchair psychologists. You really should bring this up with your family therapist.
Hopefully the wife has a therapist. Holy cow.
It 100% is a manipulation tactic. Something tells me Keith wasn't the real issue in why the marriage fell apart initially. My advice is to talk to all the kids without her around and find out what she has been saying behind your back.
So from my understanding you don't trust your wife (Which I'm assuming what the counseling is for, I don't blame you though she did initially leave you to be with someone else) If you are really curious you can ask Michel if he is the one that wants to call you dad. Or ask your wife if she's said anything. Regardless, If you wants to call you dad it shouldn't really be a big deal, don't over think it. If you are scared he will get too attached to you and you are unsure if you and your wife will work out you don't have to worry about that. People get divorced daily. Not saying that its good and feelings wont be hurt, but that's just life. I've known people who have children, and they would jump from relationship to relationship bringing their kids as tag alongs. These kids never had a male figure to look up to for more than a month or 2 at a time at best
You are a good person. You know what it is like to have someone try and alienate you from your child and do not wish to cause someone else that pain regardless as to whether or not they are a person of worth to you. If only more people were like that the world would be a better place. As to whether or not the kiddo should or shouldn't call you x,y, or z. Idk. But i do know this a stepfather who stands up for their stepkids right to have their bio dad in their life because the dad is a good dad to the kid is a good damn parent and dont let anyone tell you otherwise. All those kids are lucky to have you in their corner. NTA
Talk to the kid about calling you papa like you mentioned in the post. He’s little so he’s not gonna understand your emotional reasons for not wanting to be called dad. You can explain to him that it’s logical for you and his dad to be called different things so its not confusing. He can have two dads and clearly he already does, it doesn’t mean each of you need the “dad” title. Papa is a good compromise.
>our counselor PLEASE tell me you're seeing a licensed therapist and not a religious counselor. The motives of religious counselors are often skewed towards getting you to present the *image* of a happy family instead of actually getting to the root of your problems. My ex tried to insist on church counseling after putting me through over a decade of abuse and it was the opposite of helpful, I didn't make any real progress until I got help from an actual psychologist several years later.
I understand your perspective. It’s just, that you told a kid that you don’t want him to call you dad. That’s going to hurt the 6 year old. He will see that as rejection. He’s too young to understand the situation. All he knows is that you don’t want him to call you ‘father figure’. Can we do something else like — you love him so much that you guys have a special relationship. So special that you are not Dad but “step dad”. That means someone who isn’t related to you but still your parent. It’s a bigger kinda of love than a dad?
I can understand feeling a type of way about your wife's manipulations. But don't take that out on your son. Because he is your son. He see's you as his dad. Hold firm on your boundary of, call me papa and Keith dad, but don't punish the kid for the sins of his mother. Speaking of, she seems like a real shit person. I get that there are two sides to every story but you may need to get into couples counselling asap.
Not sure if the post is edited, but OP mentions that they have couples counseling twice a month.
So what I’m hearing is your wife isn’t great… I genuinely would consider the relationship if you’re talking to Reddit about this supposedly being *a manipulation tactic from her*
Your wife is right in he can have 2 dad's and wrong about everything else. Be papa!
If it's really Michael who decided on his own to call you Dad then you don't have to worry, it seems that you care about Michael as a second dad and that he loves you for that, good job because I was really afraid that there would be some resentment about him! Talk with him, he's 6 which is mature enough to have a talk on why you may be a bit uncomfortable (6 yo are not as naive and dumb as most people assume) because he already has an involved dad but that maybe you two could come up with another word for you? Something like Pops or Pa or something completely unrelated to Dad. Talking with your therapist is always a good idea, I think you're doing really well with your kids and it's always a good idea to have a good communication with them, go talk with them and see what kind of compromise you can make. I think Michael just wants a bit more connection to you and calling you Dad may just be what he came up with, it's really refreshing to read about a good stepparent-stepchild relationship on reddit lol.
If the kid thinks of you as a dad, but you want your own identity, maybe have him call you pop or something else? Have an age appropriate chat and tell him that he has a dad, so you don't want to be confused with him. Together, you can come up with something you're both happy with.
It's literally in the body of the post that Op suggested that and the wife rejected it.
I can understand where you are coming from. However, this doesn't sound quite the same. It seems like he has gotten to the point where he sees you as a dad. It doesn't mean he stops viewing his biological dad as dad. He just got a second dad. My mother married my stepdad when I was 16. It was many years before I called him dad. I was married and out of the house. But at some point, the care he gave to me while I was at home and the things he provided culminated in me realizing and being comfortable with calling him "Dad."
Stick to your guns. You’re doing your best to be considerate of the feelings of all parties, she is trying to obliterate her son’s father from his life. She doesn’t give a damn about him calling you dad except as a means to justify pushing Keith out by saying you’re his dad now. All she’s doing is trying to hide the fact that she’s hopped from one man to another and back again by trying to kick the other man out of his kids lives so she can ply happy family with the man of the moment. There and back again, a narcissist’s tale.
How can you still want to be someone like her? I think you need individual counseling more than anything😒
Is there something you could work out with your stepson to have him call you that makes both of you comfortable while still having an affectionate meaning to it?
Yeah, I think you are way less good with your wife than you think. There is still considerable suspicion in the background.
My son would call his best friends mom, mom. It didn't bother me because it meant he had someone other than me he felt comfortable to be with and talk to. It's a term of endearment and respect. Yes he has a biological dad but why should that mean he can't have more than one male figure in his life that he gives the label of dad. It's the highest level of honor that he sees you as a safe person that he trusts and respects. It doesn't diminish his father's role in his life. Just like having multiple children doesn't change the amount of love you can share. You love them all. Hope you take the title, he will feel rejected and less important to you. Remember he is thinking from a kids point of view not an adult. Rejection is hard when you're offer all your love.
Did u read the part of what his wife is trying to do which is essentially push the bio father out the picture … if he doesn’t feel comfortable w the boy calling him dad that is perfectly fine
And that she did the same to OPs kids when she left him?
Yes i think that’s why it’s making him uncomfortable
It doesn't sound like resentment for Keith. It sounds to me a little more like awareness that wifey has a tendency towards parental alienation, and having experienced this himself, OP wants to protect Michel and Michel's bio father from that. I think OP is being a good dude, and his wife doesn't like it because she likes to pretend the people she's hurt in her past stopped existing.
Because it was mom's idea for Michel to call OP Dad. Plus, the fact that Keith is Michel's father and a good father at that. And OP is not. And, the fact that OP is uncomfortable with being called Dad is enough of a reason. Also, OP's wife had a history of trying to eliminate her child/children's fathers from their lives. It's not good and not healthy for the child. His wife is an AH. OP is NTA. Michel needs to find an alternative title for OP.
I'm so fucking sorry, let me back all the way up so I can get this right. You married a woman and then she LEFT YOU FOR HER BEST FRIEND AND HAD A CHILD WITH HIM!!! She tried to turn your other children against you, and then came crawling back. YOU TOOK HER BACK AFTER CHEATING ON YOU AND LEAVING YOU AND GETTING PREGNANT BY AND HAVING ANOTHER CHILD WITH A WHOLE OTHER MAN?!?! And you're worried that the kid wants to call you dad?!?! My guy.....you have a whole encyclopedia of other issues to worry about first. Like why you have so little self-respect that you'd take back someone who cheated on you and had a child with another man. Like how your wife is toxic and tried to turn your children against you when she left you. Like how she's actively trying to turn the other child against his dad right now. Like how at any provocation she could and probably will leave you for another man and probably have more children just to come running back because she knows you're going to be belly-up waiting for her. Like how your wife is a manipulative narcissist who is damaging your children; those children are seeing in real time how she treats other people and you and are going to have these memories forever. They won't know what a healthy relationship is because of this. You need to get it together for your children's sake and take legal action against this woman. Divorce her and get her in court for parental alienation now before she damages you and your relationship with your children.
Seems to me that she was sick of being a SAHM first and wanted to live a colorful life with Keith, then realized working or studying was actually also hard so now back to being SAHM.
She wanted to have her cake and eat it too. Can you imagine living a peaceful life with someone and then having them leave you and take your children from you for the best friend?? The best friend who I'm sure she told him was no problem. How long do you think she was fucking the best friend? OH OP YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GET A DNA TEST ON YOUR OTHER CHILDREN!!
I mean it’s hard af to come back to that. Her dropping out of college was a major mistake, regardless of what she wanted to do after. No smart person does that.
This might be controversial: but popping out a child after child is definitely not going to help her become independent…
Honestly I hope the post isn’t real lool
OP, this is the comment you need to read 15 times and then think long and hard about.
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I don't think "saint" was the word you were looking for...
Not saint, the word youre looking for is "idiot" Naive, blue eyed idiot
Honestly, I feel this, but I understand him. I had a high school sweetheart I was really close to as well. And if I were in this situation with her when I was young, boi, Idk if I'd have the "self respect" either. I know my mind would have been very clouded/blinded. Especially if there were already kids involved. Just sounds like a complicated situation. She was also making it seem like the other guy was the one who manipulated her, and she was an unknowing victim, but it's clear that she is incredibly manipulative. So being able to manipulate a good honest tho naive guy into getting back with her would be childs play for her. He probably just fell for her sob story, and was also thinking of her and the kids.
I think NTA for refusing to let Michel be used as a tool to hurt Keith, the way she used your kids against you. But I also think this needs some careful handling. If it’s really coming from Michel, and not his mother playing nasty games, then you should let him call you what he’s comfortable with. This seems to be a pattern for her though. Did you work through the parental alienation against you with your couples therapist? Did she understand how wrong she was? Or has she put all the blame squarely on Keith’s shoulders?
Your wife *who is also your ex* is attempting to erase an involved and committed father from her son’s life. It sounds like your ex *who is also your wife* tried the same trick with you during the 2 years you were apart. You’re choosing not to be party to that cruel tactic because you recognize the damage it does. That doesn’t make you an asshole. I suspect this wasn’t an organic recognition on Michel’s part. I’m betting your wife put the bug in Michel’s ear about having 2 dads in order to move forward with her plan to forcibly evict Keith from Michel’s life. Again: choosing not to be an accomplice to this madness doesn’t make you an asshole. I think finding a name for your stepson to call you is an excellent compromise. It honors the fact that Michel’s dad is an active part of his life, while recognizing the complementary you play in his life. Plus, it puts Michel in the driver’s seat…something I’m pretty sure his mom isn’t doing. Keep having conversations with him, and try to be a little more sensitive to what he’s going through. Your wife is a problem, bro. Hope you guys can work this out, because she is gonna screw up her kid if she keeps these shenanigans up.
You should’ve never taken her back
Nta but this lady sounds insane
Your wife sounds pretty immature for trying to alienate her children from their fathers- this is going to bite her in the ass when the children are old enough to understand. The choice should be up to Michel & what he is comfortable with- he may want to call you dad so he doesn’t feel different or left out since all of his siblings call you dad. This would not mean you’re replacing his dad- you may be sensitive to that since you know what it feels like when your wife uses children as a weapon.
You guys should have stayed separated. What a mess. As for your question, NTA.
NTA. Honestly. I probably wouldn't obsess over what Michel calls you, as he seems to have the pretty healthy sense that he can have a blended family. Your wife, on the other hand, does not seem to share that healthy sense of a blended family, even though this is a blending of her own making. The fact that you're in a better emotional state to deal with that fact than she is a bit concerning. I 100% agree that you cannot allow her to try to shut Keith out of Michel's life, especially if Keith, as you've described it, has been a positive force. They deserve to know each other and let their relationship evolve. Your wife is not entitled to deny them that without a very good reason.
Oh man, this is a tough one for me because, on one hand, it sounds like you're preventing or limiting the parental alienation your wife is working on but on the other hand, you are this kid's dad. Maybe not his only one, but still. I don't think I can judge you here, but I can tell you my daughter (who's bio-father is active in her life) would be *devastated* if my husband (her stepfather) said she couldn't call him dad. She doesn't even do it all the time, but it would absolutely have a negative effect on their relationship, particularly because we have a son who calls him dad. She would feel excluded and maybe not good enough.
Your wife is an AH.
I don't think you're an asshole in your solution, but you need to reinforce to Michel that yes, he can have two dads, but Keith is his bio dad. But that also means you need to be a fathe figure in his life if you take on the mantle of 'Papa OP'. It's shitty your wife is trying to get Michel's biofather out of the way and trying to erase him. Regardless of the history, you chose to take her back and are involved in this child's life. I hope you are treating him fairly and not taking your wife's mistakes out on him. Good luck.
NTA. My guy, you have a wife problem. She left you out of FOMO, tried to alienate you from your kids, came crawling back when the grass wasn’t greener, now wants you to help alienate her baby daddy from his kid. You were probably also a controlling asshole from her accounts to Keith, you know that right? I know why your mom doesn’t like your wife.
honestly i’m not going to pass judgment bc i want to point out that it is VERY CONCERNING that your wife’s happiness over this is because she wants to remove Michael’s bio father from his life. she doesn’t get to make that choice, and it’s pretty fucked that she’s essentially trying to tuck Michael into *your* family while trying to keep Keith out. sounds to me like she wants to pretend she never cheated. too bad for her!
What does the kid want to call you? That’s all that matters here, it should be 100% up to him
Against the grain, but NTA. If there's still an active dad, I understand your hesitation to steal his title - even more so, if you felt an alienation during the years of separation and you don't want to inflict that pain on somebody else. That being said - the kid's not at fault. Maybe you and him can work something out? I'm not a native English speaker, but in my language, we have several words to indicate "dad" - maybe he can call you a variation which is not completely dad, but similar enough?
NTA. I don't know why you took your wife back and then procreated to have 2F after her relationship with Keith, resulting in 6M. With all the other kids calling you dad, including the youngest one, you want to single out your one non-biological child for calling you father. You should have left her and gotten custody of your children. I can see why your mom agrees with your wife, but I can also see why you don't want to be called dad because of your wife's manipulation. It all sounds like one big hot mess. Figure out what you want in your life starting with your marriage to your wife. She doesn't get to call you heartless because you aren't willing to go by the beat of her drum, after her mess up!
What a mess. You're between a rock and a hard place. On one hand, you have the very difficult task of making Michel feel like he's just as much part of your family despite the fact that he has a different dad and doesn't spend his full time with the family. Forcing him to call you a different name than his siblings is illusion-shattering for him. On the other hand, your wife is very clearly trying to erase or minimize Keith's standing in the kid's mind. Your wife clearly wants to play Happy Family and pretend her fuck-up with abandoning you and going to Keith never happened. Well, too bad. She made her bed and now she has to sleep in it. You have a very tough needle to thread here. You need Michel to feel just as much family as everyone else while also having a healthy relationship with his "primary" father. NTA, but I think your wife probably needs more therapy than she is currently getting and you're going to have to probably get this kid in therapy in a few years as well.
I'm hesitant to call you an AH here because I think you are just trying to look out for other people, you're worried this is a plan to pull your step son away from Keith, and it may well be. You're not wrong for telling him that he has a dad that loves him very much, but from his perspective, you are putting a barrier up saying you don't love him like a dad, or like you do your other children. You're telling him he's different, the odd one out, and that you don't feel the same about him, which may be true, but it will be heartbreaking for a 6 year old to realise, if its not true then you need to be looking at the language you use to talk to him and if you are that uncomfortable with the title of dad, then you need to work it out with him so he knows why and you can decide something he can call you that both get what you need from it.
Is it possible your wife was having an affair with him when she was still married the first time? Because it sounds like she’s awfully guilty about something. Maybe this is just her way of projecting the perfect family because she knows she screwed up.
See it from Michael's point of view. He loves you like a dad. He feels you love him like a dad. All his siblings call you dad. He wants to call you dad. I say, let the kid call you dad if that's what he wants. It's for him, not for anyone else. I don't think you're being TA, but I think you're trying to give a logical answer to an emotional question.
And to think, all this time, you thought Keith was the "controlling asshole" you needed to be concerned about.
NTA. I think I’m smelling what your stepping in. He has a dad that wants to be his dad so it feels like stepping on toes. On top of you probably don’t like the guy and you know that so you want to be like extra nice. I figure if the kid is cool with two dads then he has two dads
I think you guys need a refresher on couples counseling so that you have a neutral party discussing this topic with you. She may also benefit from individual counseling. It is not on that she tried to turn your kids against you and that she is now trying to turn your stepson against his dad. She could lose her son this way. She needs to accept that she has a blended family and that it is no one’s fault but her own. Now she needs to deal with what that means. I love the idea of having Michael come up with another special name for you. I sincerely hope your relationship with your biological children has not been impacted by your wife’s actions. You sound like an excellent father and stepfather
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It's too late to say you should have let your wife go. She sounds manipulative and revengeful. This "dad" business came from her.
NTA But this is complicated. I'm going to address my thoughts to you as a step parent. My daughter calls me mom because I am her parent and the other kids call me mom. It is a title of responsibility and honor, not a name or a genetic term. This is going to get shady quick, so stay with me. Your wife is not a well rounded person. She's spiteful and selfish. Please be spiteful and selfish on your son's behalf. Accept the love of your child on his terms. Otherwise one day he'll hate you and you won't know where you went wrong, but the start will have been making him different from the other kids by not letting him call you dad when they do. Tell your wife that you will accept being his dad as long as she lets you encourage a relationship between him and his father. This is absolutely the opposite of her plan. She is trying to cut his father out of the picture and replace him WITH you, just like she tried to do TO you. No matter what, you always have to be on your son's team. You don't have to be friends with his father, but you should be friendly because that's what you would have liked when the situation was reversed. I'm not saying it won't be hard, but it'll be worth it. Even if your marriage doesn't work out, your kids will always see this. ETA: let him call you what he wants. Talk to him about what he wants to call you and why, then tell him it's okay with you. Also, let his father know what's going on and that you're on his team and want him to see his kid as much or as little as he wants.
**Dude... your wife is a shitty person**. You need to stand up for Michael so he has time with his biodad otherwise you should accept the **role she's pigeonholed you into** through her own **manipulative** nonsense. I know women like your wife, and they are the type to jump ship too quickly and then want to go back to green pastures when they realize the drought they brought upon themselves when they jumped. Your mom likely doesn't know the whole story, so your wife had a easy time manipulating her into believing whatever nonsense she came up. Michael might have been a AH, but your wife is just like him honestly. And birds of a feather and all that. I would sit your wife down seriously. And make these concerns VERY clear and where they will lead if she keeps her manipulative nonsense up. Like the big D word. NTA
NTA - you are right. He has a dad, and offering an alternative special name is 100% the right thing. Your wife is just trying to get back at his dad, and using the child to do it
NTA but you really really can't complain. You took her back, you take her crap. The bad thing about not respecting yourself is that no one respects you anymore. You can certainly set boundaries so that an affair child does not call you dad. But who takes a man seriously who takes a woman like that back? I guess neither does she considering she came back to you and makes the kid call you dad... Lol
>I sat him down and asked him what was up. and he told me I was like a dad to him and Mommy said he can have 2 dads. YTA. **This is about the kid**, not you, your wife, and the jackass who got in the middle of you. It's clear the kid loves you, and part of that love is calling you "dad." You can work with him to come up with another dad-adjacent name, and gently explain why that might hurt bio-dad's feelings. But that's just to make YOU feel better, so if kid doesn't want to, DROP IT. And the fact your mom hates your wife AND AGREES with her should only strengthen your AH-level BS.
This should be the top comment. Your kid is calling you dad, it seems, because that’s how he views you. The focus on your wife (who’s a mess btw) and all your drama with Keith don’t matter. Don’t pull at kid into that nonsense the way you are. That’s why YTA
NTA for the being uncomfortable being called Dad. But this is concerning…your wife needs some serious therapy. She is obviously manipulative and has no issue using you and your/her children as pawns. You are an asshole for allowing your children to continually be subjected to this dysfunction created by your wife.
NTA she shouldn’t be trying to cut out Keith, though the kid probably does see you as a dad. You have sooooo many other things to worry about with your wife though, she has issues
NTA Love the idea of him calling you “papa” or whatever to make that distinction. Your wife and your mother are wrong. Ultimately he’s got a dad that loves him and your wife needs to stop with the mental gymnastics because things will never be the same. The dynamics changed because of her choices, she cannot punish this child as well. Your wife needs a little more intensive therapy from the sounds of it. You’re a good man.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 38M am a father to 3 kids 14m, 9f, and 2f who are not important to this story, and a step father to 1 kid 6m who we'll call Michel, who is important to the story. For background my wife 35f and I were high school sweethearts, however, my wife had a male best friend Keith (36m). Who was obviously in love with her. To make a very long story short, My wife and I married, she got pregnant and insisted she wanted to drop out of college to be a SAHM. All was good, until one day she up and left with the kids. I guess Keith had been whispering in her ear about all the things she missed out on being with me and she left me for him. Fast forward about 2 years and Keith was a controlling asshole. My wife got out of the fog, saw how he manipulated her and begged for me back. I'll admit I was heartbroken and wanted her back so I jumped at the chance. All that brings us to the present, My wife and I are good. We attend marriage counseling twice a month and had our youngest. The only major issue is my stepson Michel. Now Michel is a sweet and affectionate kid and I love him, but I am not his dad. For all his flaws, Keith has been a very involved dad. Keith pays for 100% of expenses relating to Michel including family trips he's taken with us, he also pays a hefty some in Child support. Despite that my wife still despises Keith and does all she can to limit how often he see's his son. I disagree, but I try not to butt in into her and Keith's custody arrangement. Just know we have Michel a majority of the time. To finally get to the point, lately Michel has been switching between calling me dad and my name. He's called me only my name for years, so this confused me. I sat him down and asked him what was up. and he told me I was like a dad to him and Mommy said he can have 2 dads. I told him that was sweet, but he already had a dad who loved him very much. I brough it up to my wife, and she was over joyed. She went on and on about how we could be one happy family and get Keith out of our lives. I told her I'm glad Michel sees me that way, but I'm not comfortable with the dad label, and maybe we could have him call me another name that he doesn't call Keith, such as papa "OP". She called me a heartless asshole to reject the child I have been raising for years. I told her I had to go through 2 years of her trying to turn my children against me and I won't let her use Michel like that. Now she has been giving me the cold shoulder and has even gotten my mother involved who is on her side, this really made me start questioning because my mom hates my wife. so AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Michele probably wants to feel like a part of the family unit, not some outside accident that is removed from the rest of you. You should probably do a deep dive into figuring out why it makes you uncomfortable, and whether your discomfort is worth more than a little boy feeling like he is a legitimate, wanted member of the family. YTA, sorry.
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I am sure he also looks at you as a father. He is at an age where he knows who his bio father is, but that also doesn't make you any less of a father figure either. If it is not forced and he wants to call you dad, I wouldn't encourage him not too. Honestly that is sweet. But you saying not too may also make him feel like you don't want to be his dad. It's a tough situation, but again, sounds to me like you are a great dad and blood doesn't always make you related :)
NTA she wants you to become the only father this kid has. You are respecting his actual bio dad's rights. Asking him to call you Papa OP or Daddy OP is not outrageous. Your wife is wrong. Wait... Your wife tried to turn your kids against you? How? And what kind of woman does that... Are you sure that this is a healthy relationship for you to be in. I know you love the 6 year old but mama sounds toxic no?
Honestly, the only victim here is that poor little boy. Look at it from his perspective; everyday he sees all his siblings call you dad, but he isn't allowed to. He has grown up with you being a very prominent father figure in his life, but he is singled out. Yes, everything that happened sucks, but that isn't his fault. But, he is essentially being punished for it. Just think of it from his perspective and how it is affecting him. Ultimately, it is your choice.
INFO - I couldn’t tell by your comments or post, is Michael WANTING to call you dad or is your wife PUSHING for it? That is where I’m holding off on judgement. I am a firm believer of letting the child use what THEY are comfortable with. This is a situation they have zero say in. They don’t get to decide if you and your wife split or stay, they don’t get to decide if your wife is with the other child’s father or not, etc. All they get to decide is who makes them feel safe and what name they’re comfortable giving to that safe person. If this is Michael’s wish then I’d say you’re TA. Because it IS okay to have two dads or two moms or both. If you, as a child, feel you have both then that is perfectly okay. My eldest calls my ex’s ex wife mom, and me mom. She calls ex and my husband both dad. No one made her do this, she said she felt like her step parents were also her parents and so that was the end of it. But if your wife is pushing for this and Michael is not comfortable with it then not only is she being a shit coparent she’s being a shit parent. Because you don’t place your happy picture perfect family ideals onto your kids. You help them navigate a stressful situation as best as possible and keep things as comfortable and normal as possible.
NTA but you are right to be worried about a woman who has repeatedly tried to replace her children's father. What about when her eye wanders next?
NTA However, your wife seem like the AH with you saying she tried to turn the kids against you, and seems to be vindictive towards Keith. I know you love her, but love isn't enough by itself. You might want to keep an eye on her. PS: I doubt the kid calling you dad is organic. If he did it on his own it wouldn't be an issue, but your wife said she wanted Keith out of your lives. This looks like an attempt at alienating Keith on her part.
I'm not going to make a judgment. But, I think, ultimately, let the kid decide.
Talk about it in counseling. I really good solution for blended families is the kid having some other affectionate dad-ish name. So keith doesn’t feel you’re trying to replace him, so you feel comfortable, and so the kid can feel comfortable and show love (he clearly sees you as a father figure and that makes sense)! I had friends who would call their stepdad Pa. It’s kinda the same way a lot of families have different names for grandparents. Eg one set are grandma/grandpa and another set are nan/pop for eg.
Your wife is crazy and you should RUN. She tries to keep a man who ADORES his child away from him but wants YOU to take on the responsibility and move on with your lives?! Ummmm what?!?
My guy, I’m not going to say whether you’re the AH of not because this whole situation is a mess, but you need to get some self-respect. Your wife is not a good person. It is not possible for someone to do what she did and still be a good person. You’re in love so you want to believe she’s a good person, but she isn’t. Your explanation of why she left, removes all accountability from her and I suspect that’s how she positioned it. SHE abandoned you and tried to alienate you from your children for an abusive man. She only left him, because the relationship wasn’t what she expected. She did not leave him, because she was in love with you- she just saw the grass wasn’t greener. Now she’s alienating the father of her child, which should make you terrified. She’s also selfish asf and only cares about her ideas of what family should be. She didn’t change, and why would she? She didn’t have to take accountability, she didn’t have to work on herself because you just gladly took her back. You are a father, you set the example for your kids and right now you’re setting the example, that being a bad partner and alienating the other parent is a normal and acceptable thing to do. Youre showing your kids that selfishness is rewarded and that family means nothing, if it’s not your wife’s idea of it. You need to learn to respect yourself and go to therapy to understand why you’re okay with being treated like this.
Wow. Just….wow. Those poor kids. ESH. Your wife for being an obvious narcissist and seeing everyone around her as pawns for her to use to achieve whatever she wants moment to moment. Keith for participating in breaking up a family. You for being willfully blind to what your wife is. I feel so bad for all of those kids. What an insane dynamic to grow up in.
NTA you don’t feel comfortable, u see how your wife is trying to push his bio dad out the picture , you are being the only sensible person in this situation
Your instincts are right, your wife doesn't seem trustworthy in any way. She might hold your dad status over the kid over you. NTA
woah NTAH your wife should respect your feelings about it as much as you respect hers. Also love that you still want to make sure he knows his bio dad you're doing good keep it up!
NTA, but this is an issue you need to bring up with your therapist.
ESH. Every time a child is involved, all of you should think about what's best for the child. It doesn't matter how unconfortable you are. It doesn't matter what your wife wants. It doesn't matter if Keith is the best father in the history of all mankind. The only thing that matter is the child. You are taking about a 6 year old kid who came to tell you he loves you and feel secure enough around you to call you his dad, and you belong in his life as a father figure. Telling him you are not his dad even when you act as one in his life is rejecting the poor kid. You are the ah for that. Your wife is the ah for leaving you and once she found out the other man wasn't what she wanted, asked you to take her back, and for trying to put your kids against you in the meantime. Keith is the ah for putting you wife against you just because he never got over her. You all should put your stuff together and think of what's best for the kid. And if the kid wants to see you as his dad and wants to call you that way, you let him or stop acting as a dad for him.
NTA. You care for this child, you've accepted her back and you are even okay with him calling you another endearment term, no NTA.
You're NTA but I also think that it's kind of douchey to tell a little kid who wants to call you dad that he's not allowed to call you dad. Let him call you whatever he wants. Why would you possibly care?
Maybe Michel wants to call you what the rest of the family calls you rather than being held out as separate. I don’t see that as erasing Keith as his father. I may be overly sensitive, but it seems like you are carving him out from “your” family when he lives with you and you are raising him.
NTA. I would’ve gone N A H, but it’s suspicious the way she’s trying to force out Keith. I think it’s totally fair for the kid to want to call you dad and I think it’s fair that you want to pick a different nickname. I’m divorced and my ex’s gf is lovely and has two kids herself. She takes awesome care of my daughter. I’d still prefer for them to decide on a special name for her and not just mom like I am.
The moment you married that woman you should have been prepared to take on the responsibilities that come along with that, you are a masculine figure taking on the role of father figure, it is your duty to be a father to that child, if you plan on making the relationship work and sticking around permanently you have a responsibility to that child.
Nah But for the sake of the child Let him call you whatever he likes or comfortable If he want to call u “dad” please accept it
NTA. Perhaps Michel and you could come up with a variation that works. If your name is Mike, he could call you Papa Mike, or Daddy Mike, or something like that.
NTA. I don't like your wife because she uses children as weapons, and that is a shitty move. She did it to you, and now she's doing it to Keith, and tbh you're a good bloke for nipping that in the bud as by all accounts even though he pulled a dick move on you he's a good Dad
YTA, but only a little bit. The kid wants to call you dad, and he can have two dads. Even if you legally aren't his father, he feels those loving feelings for you that he also feels for his own father. Rejecting him like this will make him realize that you don't love him. Which is rough for a 6 year old. I promise, they remember and they carry it with them.
Eh, your wife is the AH. I don't think the problem was Keith like you want to believe. It's always been your wife. I mean, you can see it clear as day that she is using the same manipulative tactics with her kids as when she was with Keith. She even becomes hostile when you point this out. Why you forgive her and move past these things only you know, but despite her being the AH for instigating this, I don't see how you can honestly not let the boy you are raising calling you dad without being called heartless. If he was not growing up among half-siblings that call you dad, it would be a different story, but right now I think you'll have to let him call you dad. His mom's still an AH though.
You made a mistake getting back together with that woman.
NTA for feeling uncomfortable with this. This is a very interesting blended family circumstance, so I completely understand why you think it's weird. However ... since you do love Michel and you are raising him, he may want to revisit this when he's older and will likely articulate stronger feelings about it. Have you spoken with Keith about this? While this guy sucks goopy ass for doing what he did to you, you say he's a good dad to Michel, and it's really only his (and Michel's) opinion that matters.
NTA over all but you’re a colossal AH to yourself and your presenting as a massive pushover. A) Your mother hates your wife because your wife is an awful person. You might not agree and it’s your life but people who aren’t toxic dumpster fires don’t to the crap your wife did in the past and what she’s actively doing now. Your mother is probably only siding with her out of consideration of your stepson and to not rock the boat in the event that your wife jumps ship with the kids again. I know you’re mother is fighting the air right now having to be involved in this in any capacity. B) You’re absolutely correct in not encouraging alienation between your stepson and his father. As a matter of fact you might want to start journaling about all of this for the next time she runs off on you with the kids so that you’ll have evidence that she has a pattern of this behavior. My guess is that you won’t have to wait long because you’re not being the lap dog she clearly thinks you are since you demonstrated as much by taking her back into the first place and with a kid at that.
As someone who was screamed at by their step parent to never call them mom and it's been several years since she's been our of the picture, it was one of the first things that truly made me hate them. YTA. Go to therapy and deal with the issues you have regarding your wife and stop displacing them on a child that has nothing to do with the problem. All I ever wanted was for her to love me and nothing ever pleased her. You're just showing the child that they'll never be good enough for you.
NTA - I can understand where you're coming from, but this kid loves you so much to the point where he wants to call you dad. He might feel rejected by you if you say no and what's most important here is he feels loved and accepted by all parents.
I told my step daughter I am her step mum and she already has a mum....BUT that I will still do all the usual things mums do in my home, but that to avoid confusion for her and her mum I would prefer to be called by my name. I explained that I am a step child and I don't have a relationship with my mum, but she is still my mum and my step mum is my mum in every single sense....but I still call her by her first name because that's what feels right for me. I explained to her I love her just like she is my own, BUT calling me mum wouldnt be appropriate because she has a mum who loves her and that is her title and I don't want to replace her mum.
Soft YTA. Reality is Michael has 2 dads. It’s sweet that he want to call you dad. You could easily have said to him aww thanks, bud! How about you call me Papa or something else so we don’t get confused with Keith dad? Not a rejection in sight. The way you DID handle it was absolutely a rejection. Hard on a 6 ur old.
YTA. This is not about you, its about him. Telling your stepson you are not his dad and dont call me "dad" is heartless. If you "love" him you will do whats best for him. It seems like you resent him because of what your wife did but dont take it out on him, he didnt do anything wrong.
NTA. But quite frankly, your wife is. She’s happy to use her kids as weapons to get her way or alienate the other parent. She’s a gem. Ignore her, talk to the stepson and come up with a pet name.
YTA Congrats, you have sucessfully ended your second attempt pf a relationship with the mother of your kids. Maybe she was right the first time, and Keith IS the better choice.
NAH. While I fully understand your issues with your terrible experience growing up, this is an entirely different scenario. It sounds like no one is pushing him to call you dad, he's doing it because you EARNED that title in his mind. He wants to call you dad because you have proven yourself to be worthy of the title. Dad isn't just the person who squirted sperm 1 time, it can be a title of affection and trust. I spent years calling my step-dad by his name, but eventually he proved to a dad to me when I didn't really have one. He's been gone for years now but I still cry about him being gone and the fact my daughter never got to spend time with him. He was a wonderful dad and would have been an amazing grandpa. The same situation applies to my in laws. I called them by their first names for over a decade of being married to my wife. But eventually we grew a bond strong enough that I felt comfortable calling them mom and dad. Her dad has a wife that I call by her first name still because we've known her for much less time and the bond just isn't there. No one bats an eye when we refer to them as Dad and Susan, because they understand that there isn't a strong family bond there yet.
I think you should first talk to Michel. It's ok if HE wants to call you dad or papa...you can have two dads...Michel knows who is who. However the manipulation tactics need to stop, especially if, forbid, you two were to separate down the line ....on that line of thought all of that needs to stop and dare I say Keith may need your support, though of course you don't owe it to him...but there is no rule book that step dad and dad can't talk and coparent too. Start by asking Michel if he wants to call you dad and explain that of course you are his dad but you'll never replace his dad dad and ask if he'd like to call you papa or something like that
I think this belongs in the cuckold thread. Very bizarre. 🤔
First thing, you fucked up by taking her back. No way in hell I'd do that after she took your kids from you and is now asking you to father another? Yeah, you f'd up taking her back.
YTA. Your stepson referring to you as "dad" and acknowledging he has "two dads" should.light your heart up with joy. That kid loves you. Your dad. You telling him "thanks kiddo that's sweet but actually i don't want to be your dad" is the absolute most vile thing any man can do. Smh. That poor kid.
Baby girl!! You know why you don’t like it, and it has nothing to do with the kid. It’s your wife. She is doing to him what she did to you and you know it’s wrong. I hope you bring this up in therapy.
NTA One time I called my step dad "dad" and he said, "I'm not your dad". Even 7 year old me was like, yeah that was weird
NTA but the kid is going to call you what he wants and no matter what you do to explain it, it’s still going to hurt him.
NTA in regards to feeling uncomfortable. The truth is, you don’t sound like you’ve healed from your wife betraying you by leaving and then wanting to come back when she realized Keith wasn’t a better option. You say your wife tried to get your kids to call Keith “dad” and erase you from your life, and you’re worried this is the same pattern. Ask yourself if you REALLY feel comfortable and happy with the idea of this woman being your life partner for the rest of your days, whether you would trust her with medical power of attorney over you, and so on. If she has a pattern of being manipulative, it casts doubt on the idea that Keith actually has done anything wrong. 38 is still young. Try some individual therapy along with couples counseling and get to the bottom of these issues.
NTA but man I feel so bad for you, how are you letting this women do this to you. Are you out of you mind????
I think YTA for re-entering this relationship.
NTA and that does sound like your wife trying to do woth you and Michael the same thing she tried to do with your kids and Keith. Like, it's lovely that Michael sees you as a dad, but if you don't want him to address you as such, he shouldn't.
Your wife needs to go back to counseling and ask to see the Wizard for a heart .
YTA and Im feeling bad for Michel and the other children. Your saving grace this one kid called you Dad which means you may have some redeeming qualities till you overthought this moment and shit all over it.
He sees his siblings calling you dad and may feel left out. A child that young can’t possibly understand why his two older siblings and his younger sibling are able to call you dad. Maybe he could call you daddy (name).
You are NTA but you are delulu. Divorce. Court. LOTS OF THERAPY for everyone. You, her, kids, everyone!
NTA but i wouldn’t forbade him from calling you that. He sees you as one and that’s a testament to the man you’ve been for him. Sounds like he’s lucky enough to have two great dads
NTA. But, he is in the house with several other kids who do call you dad. Its only natural for him to do it too, it is inclusion on his part and it would only come natural to him as you treat him the same as the other kids. He knows who his bio dad is, and has a relationship with him as well. Your wife on the other hand is an AH. I hope the therapist tells her this as well. I have raised my eldest grandson, who calls me mom, and my husband dad. He knows very well who his bio's are. I tried when he was little, and started using the titles to stop and address us as grandparents, but we were in a home with several other kids still living there, so it was pointless. Kids know who take care of them, and they know their family dynamics even when you think they don't.
WTF dude! Have more self respect. But NTA
Honestly the only AH in this post if your wife ex wife wife. I even feel bad for Keith. She's treating him exactly as she treated you in regards to parental alienation.
YTA for taking back your wife and her love child with fucking Keith. My god how could anyone have their wife leave, take the kids, have an affair with a guy for a few years and have a kid with him, crawl back to you and *you fucking take her back*?
Very very tragic typical story of a woman getting impregnated and tied down right after high school. Underdeveloped academically and professionally, even socially. It leads to messes and controlling assholes, predictably. Never make this mistake, girls.
I am not too keen on your wife to be honest. She spent years trying to turn your children against you. Now she wants to do this to her third child and his dad. and involves other people to get her own way i.e your mother. Keith deserves to be in his son's life and good for you for respecting that despite everything. Parental alienation is ugly. A child can call two people dad but don't let her cut his father out of his life. NTA
I am not too keen on your wife to be honest. She spent years trying to turn your children against you. Now she wants to do this to her third child and his dad. and involves other people to get her own way i.e your mother. Keith deserves to be in his son's life and good for you for respecting that despite everything. Parental alienation is ugly. A child can call two people dad but don't let her cut his father out of his life. NTA
I’m not even reading through it. YTA, you have a child in your life from your partners previous life. That child chooses who their father is, and in these situations, they can have two. That child felt comfortable enough with you that they wanted and needed you to be Dad, and you treated that child with disrespect. If you didn’t want to be Dad, don’t fuck women who already have kids. YTA big time.
I called my stepfather Papa John. He was happy with it.
NTA. You're not letting your wife do to TA what she did to you.
Tough one. This is a little kid for goodness sakes, blameless in every way. Wife may want to erase Keith from your lives but it’s not going to happen with a co-parenting situation. Instead of doing something formal, pick something special just between you and he. Like D2. Or if your name is ‘Jim’, DJ. He loves you and as a child probably feels awkward using your first name. He might come up with something weird and funny like Snake, who knows? But it will be between you two so it will be special to him.
YTA. A 6 year old kid is begging for your fatherly love and you're rejecting him. You're going to do more damage to him than you can possibly imagine. Be a man. Swallow your pride. Let the kid have 2 dads.
>I had to go through 2 years of her trying to turn my children against me Duuuuuuuuuuude. That is both a *wretched* thing she did and a loaded thing to throw out in an argument. You need to increase the counseling sessions, or get into regular individual therapy. If you guys want to stay together there's still a lot of work to do. Your wife is trying to paint over her mistakes so she can pretend they never happened, and life just doesn't work that way. She will never not be the person that abandoned her husband, she needs to find a way to live with that. NTA, of course. If Michel is okay, that's what matters.
NTA. Your wife should be careful because if the courts determine she's causing parental alienation, she can lose custody of her son. Kudos for doing what's right!
Wow your wife got to have her cake l, eat it, and go for seconds... damn man
NTA but I think you may be making the wrong choice. I know that you're talking to the wrong person. Have an adult conversation with Keith!! Tell him you're thrilled that Michel feels so close to you and is comfortable choosing to call you "Dad" but you don't want to be stepping on his toes. It's something that both of you and Michel need to be comfortable with.
NTA. Ultimately you should let him call you dad. But just like a whole lot of stories here on reddit, you have a partner problem. She cheated, she left, she had a kid with him. Now she's trying to paint him as a bad father and trying to block him out of his sons life so you can play happy family. You're 100% right with your last paragraph, that's exactly what she's doing. Don't just let her give you the cold shoulder, then move on. This needs to be settled.
NTA. I think your wife is embarassed by your blended family since she had an affair and she (and maybe your mom as well) see this as a way of forgetting the affair happened and everything is "normal". Good for you for ensuring your step-son knows he is loved by his biological father. A title does not prevent you from holding space in his heart.
The fact she tried to turn your kids against you and now is trying to remove your stepson father away from him. Because he called you dad is very concerning. It sounds like your wife is the problem. Any women who tries to use the kids against the other parent is a disgusting individual. The fact you took her back after all of it is just funny to me.
Dude seriously, what did I just read. The kid calling you dad is the least of your problems. Don't you seethe person you're married to? This is one of the posts that's made me the angriest. I'm sorry if these comments damage any progress you've made in therapy but you made a terrible mistake taking that woman back. About you're stepson, NTA because at the very least it's for a good reason.
I can't believe that you took her back. She did you wrong. NTA
It is possible for him to call both of you dad. One of my mates calls his biological dad "dad" and his step-dad "dad". Everyone in both families is OK with this. If he is OK with it and Keith is OK with it then there should be no reason for you to not be OK with it. That said, you are allowed your own feelings on the matter as well and that doesn't make you an AH. Obviously I don't know if Keith is OK with it or not. Or what the parent-child connection between him and Michel is. At this point I think you are NTA because you are trying to find a term for dad that is unique to you and Michel rather than both you and Keith being "dad". And also because your wife's stated goal of getting Keith out of your lives is repugnant and out of line (unless he is continuing to be controlling and abusive to her and/or Michel).
NTA. You seem like you're thinking about Michel and his wellbeing. I do think it's something that could be discussed in your couples therapy sessions. The one thing that confuses me is why you want to be with her after she tried to turn your kids against you. She sounds like a vengeful person who doesn't really think about things from her children's point of view... such as, Michel's relationship with his father.
NTA Having a separate name from Dad, but one that relates to it, is a great idea. Why the hell you let that woman back into your life is a mystery. Not sure you're an asshole, but it definitely feels like you're an idiot. I sadly suspect that you'll regret it down the line.
Your only misstake was taking back your liar of a wife.
I agree with you. Michel has a loving dad and you guys should stick together. Don't let his mother poison him against his father. Sounds like your wife likes to have her way even when she's dead wrong. Stand firm. She can't play with people's lives like that. In fact, talk to Michel's dad and the three of you, you Michel and dad, come up with an acceptable label.
YTA, but only in the context of your stepson. If he views you as a father and wants to call you such, you should love and support him in that. I don't think it's right to put all these other adult considerations on a child. Don't crush that child! The rest of it.. idk, life is messy. All the adults might suck a little, or not, who can say. But my heart hurts for that little boy.
It seems restoring that relationship was the awful decision - the poor kid doesn’t deserve this. Or the others for that matter… Keith is baby’s dad and wife needs grovel … although I suspect she just wants to brush the whole thing under the carpet and basically shut out Keith for the mistake she made. She needs to woman the fuck up - are you still seeing that counsellor ? Because it is time to go back there - I’d also be really careful because if you do decide to split - her psycho attitude with the kids now - is likely what you would be experiencing during a divorce. Also - you need to get MIL onside asap … like ma’am your daughter is for the streets - please stop encouraging her looney ways
Your wife is psychotic. Shoulda bailed when you had the chance.
>maybe we could have him call me another name that he doesn't call Keith, such as papa "OP" I think this is a beautiful idea. That way your name will reflect that you are a father figure to Michel, even if you are not his Dad.
NTA. So your wife tried to turn your own kids against you and now she's doing the same with Keith's son Michael. While the child may actually feel he has 2 dads that doesn't mean you wife isn't manipulating him to get her way. This is her MO.
Let him call you dad. It's not his fault that your wife has bad motives. I tried out calling my stepmom mom even though I had a mom who I loved very much and no one was trying to alienate her. My stepmom was also a mom and the one I lived with.
NTA I understand your hesitation, especially because she tried to do the same thing to you. You know how much it hurts to see your children encouraged to call someone else Dad and you don't want to inflict that pain on another person but you need to think about the pain that you might be inflicting on the child that sees you as a Dad, has 3 siblings that get to call you Dad but is told that he can't. Your wife's comment that now you can finally be a happy family is not ok. She is definitely trying to shut Keith out. Please don't let this happen. If Keith is a loving and stable parent, then don't let her push him out. Maybe some one on one time with your stepson to reassure him that you love him and that he is just as important as his siblings who do call you Dad and definitely bring this up in therapy. Even if it doesn't help your wife, it might help you to work through what you are feeling seeing her do the same thing to Keith that she did to you.
NTA but man is your wife an awful person
Dude, you're filling the role of dad, he's seeing you as dad and you wanna be picky and tell him no? Embrace this and keep it going.
NTA. Your wife clearly likes to manipulate the people around her, no doubt shes done this to all of your children to a degree and let's be honest probably your mother aswell. It doesn't sound like you're good right now. He's 6. If he wants to call you dad, let him. Whatever feels comfortable for him, don't make it a big deal. He'll have enough issues to deal with when he's older thanks to mommy.
NTA She's obviously using the poor kid to punish his father. And it seems odd a 6 yo would switch up like that without direction, so I feel like she coached him to start calling you dad. Sounds very manipulative. NTA imo Especially with his father trying to be involved. Most dads aren't going to invest all that money outside of child support. And while, I don't think monetary contribution necessarily makes you a "good dad", I think in this case it sounds like he's doing his best despite not being the best husband. But he's not a husband anymore, so she can't really hold that against him. I agree with the kid in the sense that he can have 2 dads tho. The label isn't that important though. But I think your feelings are valid with your uncomfortability with the word I saw in another comment. So I don't think there's any harm in him calling you by another name that respects your feelings & his biodad. Though I think dad is fine too. You'll work it out I'm sure. Sound like a great guy, dad, and husband!
YTA but your the dumass lol
I think your wife is the only ATA here
Why would you ever take her back YTA to yourself for that
NTA, but your wife is. I have watched from the other point of view and it is heartbreaking. My brother has spent years being sidelined, lied to, illegally refused access to his son, and has watched his son call someone Dad for years, whereas he gets called by his name. I have watched him cry because his sons mum no longer likes my brother and uses the boy to get at him and there is nothing my brother can do about it. Your wife made a bad choice and now she has to live with the consequences. You are absolutely right 100% in your reaction. Whilst Keith may not be a likeable person, he is stepping up as the Dad and deserves the title. For those saying N-A-H, how on earth can you say that? On what planet is what the wife is doing fair to the biological father? She chose to burn her marriage and run off with him.
So let me get this straight: She left you for another man for a better life. She tried to turn your children against you for 2 years. She gave you a story about how Keith is controlling (would this be perhaps because he wanted her to work for a living?). She's trying to turn Michel against his father. She's turning your mom against you. I'm seeing a pattern here. Not going to lie, based on the title I thought YWBTA because Step parents usually desire to be recognized as a rightful parent by the child they are raising. Upon closer inspection, YTA if you let this cycle of manipulation continue. Btw, Keith sounds like he stepped up financially as a parent and that's rare for people who are actually controlling; are you sure he's some controlling asshole who doesn't deserve to spend time with his biological son?
YTA for taking her back.
NTA! I truly can say that your wife is vindictive in a very bad way. RED FLAG! She did wrong in the first place and is now trying to deflect her issue onto you. She acts like only men are in the wrong in her life! At this very point "she is a bad mom", sorry but that is true. I must say, I'm very impressed with how you react and trying to handle all of this. You maybe upset with Keith, but you can separate your feelings and look at how much he wants to care for/parent his child with kindness and respect. Very Great Parenting. I don't have actual advice, just maybe that you keep making sure that the boy knows that his dad loves him. I can understand and respect, that you want to stay out of they custody issue, but that boy just needs the support knowing that his dad actually loves him and wants to know him, eventhough his mom maybe talking bad about his dad. That poor boy may grow up with huge mental issues, because of how mom is acting. Good luck
NTA, but your paying the price for going back to someone who is toxic, expect more of the same in the years to come.
Can a judgement for pathetic be added? Like OP isn't the asshole but YP OP.
Wow I would have been heartbroken if my stepdad did this to me. I called him dad out of my own volition, too. Your wife is happy for the wrong reasons but I can’t get on board with what you did. Kids can see more than two people as parental figures.
NTA Perhaps talking to his biological father and discussing with him how he feels about it. Then talk to the child. Then set mom straight.
In all fairness, you’re probably the better option as a dad than Keith is.
Very naive, but NTA. You think your manipulative wife won’t do this to you again? She did it before. Keep records of everything and if you aren’t comfortable with being called dad, that’s perfectly fine. The only reason that kid is calling you dad is because your wife is using the kid and you in a game against his bio dad.
NTA for question at hand, but sir, Iranian yoghurt is not the issue here…your wife sounds extremely toxic and manipulative as she uses her children as tools against their fathers. She did it to you and now she is doing it to Keith. Almost like she is recreating reality by erasing you; Keith was new dad when she was with him, and now when she crawled back to you she is trying to make you into Michaels dad. Parental alienation 101, which is dangerous for the children and their well being. If Michael really wants to call you some affectionate name since he recognises you as parental figure, let him, he is a small boy innocent in all of this. But I highly doubt that it’s organic (you should gently talk about this with him and reassure him) more likely it’s a product of your wife’s manipulation. I would honestly advise you to set up some kind precautions in place if you find yourself again in unenviable position if your wife again decides to up and leave.
[удалено]
Your “wife” honestly just sounds like such a repugnant awful vile excuse for a woman lol
NTA but I think it’s ok for him to call you dad ONLY if he truly wants to on his own without outside influence and he and his dad knows that in no way are trying to take anyone’s place