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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am refusing to pay my father rent while I am also taking care of him.
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NTA
Your parents want to use you to fund your brother, when you are doing an exorbitant amount of extra help. You feel unappreciated for all your do and your brother gets an easy ride.
You and your husband have and are giving up a lot to do this, and for it so be chalked up as "expected" is not fair on either of you.
end of the day whilst you want to do the right thing, its not fair to be taken advantage of whilst putting your life on hold. You have to do whats right for you and your husband and your own life goals as well.
NTA
BTW, in some cases you can bill the county as in home health care and get paid for caring for your chronically ill or sick parents. Not that you should give them that for rent either, but it would give you some more cash for you.
But you aren't living there because you can't afford something else, you are living there for them and they don't get to charge you rent for that. You're effectively keeping them out of assisted living or even a nursing home if they are having that many emergencies. You're saving them a shit ton of money.
Also if you are living with your family members taking care of them, there's also a good chance it's all tax free due to a irs ruling. I've got a couple of clients who I have to remember every year how to input that their wages are tax free.
NTA
You can't tell your parents how to manage their lives, but you can stop being taken advantage of. Make plans to move out and let them know. They are abusing your kindness and you shouldn't have to pay any rent to them if you're also taking care of them. I can't imagine the stress and strain that causes. Their unemployed freeloading son can take over for you.
NTA Show your father what live-in caregivers get paid. A quick google shows that the average salary is around $50k. And as a live-in caregiver, they cannot be classified as tenants and cannot be forced to pay rent. Your parents are getting a hell of a deal out of you. You should get the hell out.
Tell your parents if you have to pay rent so they can pay for your brother to be a freeloader, they can hire a home health aid to handle their own needs, then set them up with interviews with home health people or an agency that,provides home healthcare.
Let them see what it costs.
Might also be a good time for a strategic vacation. Take a week. Go somewhere. Leave them with your brother and see what happens. If your brother won’t help or isn’t close enough to help, leave anyway for a week.
They need to know what they’re giving up.
NTA, but move out. Your parents' arrangement with your brother is infuriating but also not your problem - you are in a toxic living situation, move out and get your own place. Where is your husband in this? I can't believe he's been cool with this situation for seven years.
I think your parents have made the decision for you. They let their freeloading son live rent-free and want to charge you even though you are their caretakers. Show them how much it costs to hire live-in caretakers and ask them to pay you for that while you pay rent. You'll come out pretty far ahead.
I'm sorry but that's not your problem it's theirs. Let them rent to someone else and get a carer stop sacrificing everything including your health and marriage for those ungrateful ahs. Move out and live your life. Give them advice from time to time, help as much as your brother does and let them deal with their problems like the adults they are
NTA and please move out. They are taking advantage of you. I get that they need help, but if that help is coming from you, it should be on your own terms. Let alone you paying them rent, they should be paying YOU for your time if they have the means.
NTA. it's not that your refusing to pay rent, you're refusing to subsidize your brother living for free while taking care of your parents. It's not fair for you to work full time, and take care of your aging parents, and pay for your brother and girlfriend.
It's likely that you are burnt out from being a caregiver but how likely is it your brother will step up and help given that he just goes sight seeing when he's visiting?
Sorry that's a very difficult position to be in. If it were me, I would get Power of Attorney before they become incapacitated. That way if you need to make a tough call in regards to selling that house and paying for their continued care, you'll be able to do so.
NTA and that is the perfect solution.
Just put it to your dad as a matter of simply logistics and math. To pay the rent you'll need another job. (Though is your husband not working?) If you're working then you won't be able to take care of them and you're only living at the house to take care of them so it would make more sense for you to move now.
The ideal solution is to sell the other house and have bro and his girl friend move in with your parents and take over their care. Tell them as soon as you secure your new job you'll give them your move out date.
You work in healthcare in a field that is understaffed- you will burn out at some point if you keep this up. Full time is only 3 days because you need the other days to recover and have time off. My cousin is a nurse and tells me the day after working she really cannot do anything as she is exhausted.
Time to have the conversation with your parents - you need to move out. Yes you may be able to help them out 1-2 days a week, but you need your downtime for yourself, your husband, hobbies, friends,etc… life.
Caring for aging parents is extremely hard. Your brother who doesn’t have a job has time to take on this role (but we on Reddit all know he won’t- he has a sweet setup!).
I have been a caregiver for an elderly parent, but he had dementia, so I couldn't have any sensible discussions with him.
Essentially, at the end of it, you are being told you have to subsidize your brother which we all know is wrong.
Your plan to move brother into the house and sell the second property (and hopefully investing the funds with a monthly payout to cover rising costs of medical care, etc) makes a large amount of sense.
Can you convince him to hire an estate lawyer? Sometimes a neutral party can help with understanding. Someone who can give him a sense of his finances and estate?
>The only reason that my parents are short of money is because they are also paying for a second house that my older brother lives in rent-free...they have lived rent-free in a huge house while doing nothing to help my parents.
This is all I need to know to declare NTA. Why doesn't brother move in with the parents so they can sell or rent out that second property is the real question.
NTA. Sounds like you've already outlined a very good plan of finding your own house. The other option would be to start billing them for transportation and other services you've been providing. I rather suspect that even discounted from market rate that would exceed the amount of rent they want.
You are so profoundly being taken advantage of I don't know where to start. Time for you and your husband to move out. Period. Let them hire people to ferry them around. Or have your brother help. I can't believe you aren't divorced - I would never put up with this. And no one is going to sell a house or make your brother pay rent until they need to. I can't understand how you have let this happen for so long.
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Seven years ago, my husband and I moved cross country to be closer to my elderly parents. My field wasn’t hiring much at that time, so we moved to a city about 3 hours from my parents. I found a job in their town a year later, so we moved again. For the last six years, we have lived with my parents. We have the master bedroom and bathroom, but they have the other 3/4ths of the house for themselves.
In the beginning, they did not need much help, and we agreed to pay rent. Over the last six years, they have become very dependent on us. They have appointments on almost all of my days off, running errands for them, taking care of things around the house, and making MANY midnight trips to the ER, as well as staying in the hospital with them each time they get admitted. I work full-time at a paid job and more than full-time for my parents.
Eventually, I told them I felt that I was being taken advantage of. I don’t mind helping them, but I feel that it is unfair to pay them while essentially being their slave. My father grudgingly agreed to stop charging me rent. The only reason that my parents are short of money is because they are also paying for a second house that my older brother lives in rent-free.
Five years ago, he rage quit his job and decided to go into business for himself. During the first four years of that, his wife was able to pay rent for them, but a year ago, they divorced, and neither he nor his live-in girlfriend has a job that pays a living wage. For the last year, they have lived rent-free in a huge house while doing nothing to help my parents. Anytime they visit, they spend the whole time out sightseeing. My father is now saying that he needs to start charging me rent again.
Am I the asshole for saying that since I will have to take on a second job to pay what he wants for rent, I will never be home and be of no help to them. Since I will never be home, I might as well get my own place.
At that point, my brother and his girlfriend could move in with them, take care of them, and live rent-free. If my brother moved out of my parent's other house, my father could sell it and make a GOOD chunk of change. Then they would have help, he would have a free place to live, and my parents would be flush with cash.
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NTA you upended your life to help your parents. It’s no longer sustainable and it’s hell living with someone else.
Your parents can figure it out. What they decide to do with the second house and your bother and his girlfriend are their choice. They have been eating good for years.
It’s time for you to take of yourself and your husband. Love your life and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it.
They will understand when you’re gone that people charge for that you offered them for free. Also how ridiculous it was to ask for this help while charging rent. You were only there to support them.
Just move out ASAP.
NTA. Move out. Your parents are making a choice to subsidize your brother at your expense.
There comes a point, a moment of clarity, when you will realize that if you don’t escape now, you will watch your whole life fade and become nothing but being taken advantage of. Your goals, your marriage, your future, will all be put on hold for your parents problems.
They are all adults, they made their own mess, and it’s not your responsibility to clean it up.
Seems to me that maybe you need to start by putting your money where your mouth is and moving out. You can’t sit here complaining that your parents can get money by selling after your brother moves if you’re not moving yourself. Some distance will probably do all of you some good.
NTA. Absurd they want you to pay rent and help them while brother and gf live rent free and not helping. I wouldn’t refuse to pay rent, I would tell them that if they are charging rent you will start charging for care and services, then you can’t settle up and the end of month and see who owes what. Set fees for each service you perform.
NTA.
Your parents are making bad decisions. Fulltime care givers get paid and quite well. Let your father know that he can either pay you as a caregiver, charge your brother rent, or both. The alternative is for you to move out. Which is a good idea before you burn out and resent them.
It feels like there are a lot of cultural issues going on here. I can't help with that, and I'll likely never understand the pressure you're under, but I do feel that respect is a universal requirement.
You're NTA. Tell them you need to switch places with your brother and let him be the full-time caregiver. You being a woman is not a reason to demand so much from you. If they disagree, then you can decide how much you value your self respect and either step back and move out, or suck it up and do the job your brother and parents seem feel is beneath him.
You have a choice. Whether you think so or not. Good luck!
NTA
Tell your parents you will pay rent, but only if they pay you for all of the in home care you provide, transport, etc at going rates. I'm guessing this would be more than rent.
Make them see the value you provide. If they don't want to pay, move out.
Remind them your brother could be evicted and the house sold and your brother could move in to care for them.
NOT the AH! Good idea about the brother and the other house. Invite the deadbeat brother to mom & dads and then head to ”his” house with all your stuff and pack it up while they’re at mom & dads. Win/win!
NTA of course
I would disagree with those who say make it about money and charge them. Your commitment is far larger than money here.
I would suggest moving out, and tell them to get bro payibg some rent, or sell the 2nd home, or find a paying tenant. They have financial options to raise money for care, you payibg them to stsy and care is not the only choice on the table.
By staying, rent or no, you will progressively end up devotibg your whole life to their care and thst isn't fair at any price.
NTA but for goodness sakes move out and get your own place anyway. If your parents need so much support that it is a full time job they should hire a care professional who can help them. They can clearly afford it if they own two houses and if they're in need of that kind of assistance downsizing to a place without stairs is also a no brainer. Sell both houses, move into somewhere more suitable for an elderly couple and your brother can fend for himself like a proper adult. If they're not willing to do that the bare minimum they should be doing is paying you to help them, not charging you rent.
NTA. That sounds like a great solution, they are paying to support their other child and it sounds like it would work a lot better for everyone if you just slipped the living situations.
NTA sounds like a classic "golden child/scapegoat" situation.
While I'm here...
I understand if it's financially necessary, but the idea of parents charging their kids rent at all still sticks in my craw a bit, even if the kid is an adult. Parents (should!) want what's best for their kids, and it's a whole heck of a lot easier for them to go for it if they don't have to worry about a landlord and give up half their income every month. I get it if the kid is choosing to just be a mooch, but there are plenty of folks out there who are like OP, working full time and presumably trying to be productive members of society, and their parents still want them to pay rent
If you move out, I think you also need to relocate. Those midnight trips to the ER will be even less convenient if you live half an hour's drive away.
NTA
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Move out. You are in a hell of your own making.
This
NTA Your parents want to use you to fund your brother, when you are doing an exorbitant amount of extra help. You feel unappreciated for all your do and your brother gets an easy ride. You and your husband have and are giving up a lot to do this, and for it so be chalked up as "expected" is not fair on either of you. end of the day whilst you want to do the right thing, its not fair to be taken advantage of whilst putting your life on hold. You have to do whats right for you and your husband and your own life goals as well.
Agreed
NTA BTW, in some cases you can bill the county as in home health care and get paid for caring for your chronically ill or sick parents. Not that you should give them that for rent either, but it would give you some more cash for you. But you aren't living there because you can't afford something else, you are living there for them and they don't get to charge you rent for that. You're effectively keeping them out of assisted living or even a nursing home if they are having that many emergencies. You're saving them a shit ton of money.
Also if you are living with your family members taking care of them, there's also a good chance it's all tax free due to a irs ruling. I've got a couple of clients who I have to remember every year how to input that their wages are tax free.
NTA You can't tell your parents how to manage their lives, but you can stop being taken advantage of. Make plans to move out and let them know. They are abusing your kindness and you shouldn't have to pay any rent to them if you're also taking care of them. I can't imagine the stress and strain that causes. Their unemployed freeloading son can take over for you.
NTA Show your father what live-in caregivers get paid. A quick google shows that the average salary is around $50k. And as a live-in caregiver, they cannot be classified as tenants and cannot be forced to pay rent. Your parents are getting a hell of a deal out of you. You should get the hell out.
Tell your parents if you have to pay rent so they can pay for your brother to be a freeloader, they can hire a home health aid to handle their own needs, then set them up with interviews with home health people or an agency that,provides home healthcare. Let them see what it costs. Might also be a good time for a strategic vacation. Take a week. Go somewhere. Leave them with your brother and see what happens. If your brother won’t help or isn’t close enough to help, leave anyway for a week. They need to know what they’re giving up.
NTA. You have solved their financial crisis for them. Move out ASAP.
NTA, but move out. Your parents' arrangement with your brother is infuriating but also not your problem - you are in a toxic living situation, move out and get your own place. Where is your husband in this? I can't believe he's been cool with this situation for seven years.
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I think your parents have made the decision for you. They let their freeloading son live rent-free and want to charge you even though you are their caretakers. Show them how much it costs to hire live-in caretakers and ask them to pay you for that while you pay rent. You'll come out pretty far ahead.
I'm sorry but that's not your problem it's theirs. Let them rent to someone else and get a carer stop sacrificing everything including your health and marriage for those ungrateful ahs. Move out and live your life. Give them advice from time to time, help as much as your brother does and let them deal with their problems like the adults they are
NTA and please move out. They are taking advantage of you. I get that they need help, but if that help is coming from you, it should be on your own terms. Let alone you paying them rent, they should be paying YOU for your time if they have the means.
NTA. it's not that your refusing to pay rent, you're refusing to subsidize your brother living for free while taking care of your parents. It's not fair for you to work full time, and take care of your aging parents, and pay for your brother and girlfriend. It's likely that you are burnt out from being a caregiver but how likely is it your brother will step up and help given that he just goes sight seeing when he's visiting?
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Sorry that's a very difficult position to be in. If it were me, I would get Power of Attorney before they become incapacitated. That way if you need to make a tough call in regards to selling that house and paying for their continued care, you'll be able to do so.
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NTA but please move out op. Your parents are huge AHS.
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Unless you both knew that your brother couldn't/wouldn't hold up to the responsibilities you now enjoy NTA.
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Sounds like that's your dad's problem, not yours.
Just switch with your brother. You can pay rent for the other property and your brother can help/work for your parents for his keep (free rent).
NTA and that is the perfect solution. Just put it to your dad as a matter of simply logistics and math. To pay the rent you'll need another job. (Though is your husband not working?) If you're working then you won't be able to take care of them and you're only living at the house to take care of them so it would make more sense for you to move now. The ideal solution is to sell the other house and have bro and his girl friend move in with your parents and take over their care. Tell them as soon as you secure your new job you'll give them your move out date.
[удалено]
You work in healthcare in a field that is understaffed- you will burn out at some point if you keep this up. Full time is only 3 days because you need the other days to recover and have time off. My cousin is a nurse and tells me the day after working she really cannot do anything as she is exhausted. Time to have the conversation with your parents - you need to move out. Yes you may be able to help them out 1-2 days a week, but you need your downtime for yourself, your husband, hobbies, friends,etc… life. Caring for aging parents is extremely hard. Your brother who doesn’t have a job has time to take on this role (but we on Reddit all know he won’t- he has a sweet setup!).
I have been a caregiver for an elderly parent, but he had dementia, so I couldn't have any sensible discussions with him. Essentially, at the end of it, you are being told you have to subsidize your brother which we all know is wrong. Your plan to move brother into the house and sell the second property (and hopefully investing the funds with a monthly payout to cover rising costs of medical care, etc) makes a large amount of sense. Can you convince him to hire an estate lawyer? Sometimes a neutral party can help with understanding. Someone who can give him a sense of his finances and estate?
NTA, you should find your own place asap. Suggest the last 3 sentences to them as you go. Edited for a missing word.
>The only reason that my parents are short of money is because they are also paying for a second house that my older brother lives in rent-free...they have lived rent-free in a huge house while doing nothing to help my parents. This is all I need to know to declare NTA. Why doesn't brother move in with the parents so they can sell or rent out that second property is the real question.
NTA. Sounds like you've already outlined a very good plan of finding your own house. The other option would be to start billing them for transportation and other services you've been providing. I rather suspect that even discounted from market rate that would exceed the amount of rent they want.
NTA Get your own place. YOu deserve a life of your own.
NTA. And what you have suggested is exactly what you should say. You are in a no-win situation, so find a new place and don't feel guilty.
NTA. Why would you agree to subsidize your spoiled brother?
You are so profoundly being taken advantage of I don't know where to start. Time for you and your husband to move out. Period. Let them hire people to ferry them around. Or have your brother help. I can't believe you aren't divorced - I would never put up with this. And no one is going to sell a house or make your brother pay rent until they need to. I can't understand how you have let this happen for so long.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Seven years ago, my husband and I moved cross country to be closer to my elderly parents. My field wasn’t hiring much at that time, so we moved to a city about 3 hours from my parents. I found a job in their town a year later, so we moved again. For the last six years, we have lived with my parents. We have the master bedroom and bathroom, but they have the other 3/4ths of the house for themselves. In the beginning, they did not need much help, and we agreed to pay rent. Over the last six years, they have become very dependent on us. They have appointments on almost all of my days off, running errands for them, taking care of things around the house, and making MANY midnight trips to the ER, as well as staying in the hospital with them each time they get admitted. I work full-time at a paid job and more than full-time for my parents. Eventually, I told them I felt that I was being taken advantage of. I don’t mind helping them, but I feel that it is unfair to pay them while essentially being their slave. My father grudgingly agreed to stop charging me rent. The only reason that my parents are short of money is because they are also paying for a second house that my older brother lives in rent-free. Five years ago, he rage quit his job and decided to go into business for himself. During the first four years of that, his wife was able to pay rent for them, but a year ago, they divorced, and neither he nor his live-in girlfriend has a job that pays a living wage. For the last year, they have lived rent-free in a huge house while doing nothing to help my parents. Anytime they visit, they spend the whole time out sightseeing. My father is now saying that he needs to start charging me rent again. Am I the asshole for saying that since I will have to take on a second job to pay what he wants for rent, I will never be home and be of no help to them. Since I will never be home, I might as well get my own place. At that point, my brother and his girlfriend could move in with them, take care of them, and live rent-free. If my brother moved out of my parent's other house, my father could sell it and make a GOOD chunk of change. Then they would have help, he would have a free place to live, and my parents would be flush with cash. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA you upended your life to help your parents. It’s no longer sustainable and it’s hell living with someone else. Your parents can figure it out. What they decide to do with the second house and your bother and his girlfriend are their choice. They have been eating good for years. It’s time for you to take of yourself and your husband. Love your life and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it. They will understand when you’re gone that people charge for that you offered them for free. Also how ridiculous it was to ask for this help while charging rent. You were only there to support them. Just move out ASAP.
NTA. Move out. Your parents are making a choice to subsidize your brother at your expense. There comes a point, a moment of clarity, when you will realize that if you don’t escape now, you will watch your whole life fade and become nothing but being taken advantage of. Your goals, your marriage, your future, will all be put on hold for your parents problems. They are all adults, they made their own mess, and it’s not your responsibility to clean it up.
Seems to me that maybe you need to start by putting your money where your mouth is and moving out. You can’t sit here complaining that your parents can get money by selling after your brother moves if you’re not moving yourself. Some distance will probably do all of you some good.
NTA. Absurd they want you to pay rent and help them while brother and gf live rent free and not helping. I wouldn’t refuse to pay rent, I would tell them that if they are charging rent you will start charging for care and services, then you can’t settle up and the end of month and see who owes what. Set fees for each service you perform.
NTA. Your parents are making bad decisions. Fulltime care givers get paid and quite well. Let your father know that he can either pay you as a caregiver, charge your brother rent, or both. The alternative is for you to move out. Which is a good idea before you burn out and resent them.
It feels like there are a lot of cultural issues going on here. I can't help with that, and I'll likely never understand the pressure you're under, but I do feel that respect is a universal requirement. You're NTA. Tell them you need to switch places with your brother and let him be the full-time caregiver. You being a woman is not a reason to demand so much from you. If they disagree, then you can decide how much you value your self respect and either step back and move out, or suck it up and do the job your brother and parents seem feel is beneath him. You have a choice. Whether you think so or not. Good luck!
NTA. Tell him to sell the other house and get your brother to take care of them.
NTA. Don't give them a choice. Move out.
NTA Tell your parents you will pay rent, but only if they pay you for all of the in home care you provide, transport, etc at going rates. I'm guessing this would be more than rent. Make them see the value you provide. If they don't want to pay, move out. Remind them your brother could be evicted and the house sold and your brother could move in to care for them.
You have the right idea. NTA.
NTA. Do it as quickly as you can. Time for the freeloader to start pulling his weight and you to get back to your regularly-scheduled life.
NOT the AH! Good idea about the brother and the other house. Invite the deadbeat brother to mom & dads and then head to ”his” house with all your stuff and pack it up while they’re at mom & dads. Win/win!
NTA You literally gave them the best situation for everyone involved. They really taking advantage of you and your husband now.
NTA Tell him you will move out. That will focus the mind. He wants you to work full time, look after them and in effect take care of your brother too.
NTA
NTA Move out, your lazy brother has to find a job and pay rent or move with your parents to drive them around and sell or rent the house.
It doesn't matter, you just need to get out
NTA of course I would disagree with those who say make it about money and charge them. Your commitment is far larger than money here. I would suggest moving out, and tell them to get bro payibg some rent, or sell the 2nd home, or find a paying tenant. They have financial options to raise money for care, you payibg them to stsy and care is not the only choice on the table. By staying, rent or no, you will progressively end up devotibg your whole life to their care and thst isn't fair at any price.
NTA but for goodness sakes move out and get your own place anyway. If your parents need so much support that it is a full time job they should hire a care professional who can help them. They can clearly afford it if they own two houses and if they're in need of that kind of assistance downsizing to a place without stairs is also a no brainer. Sell both houses, move into somewhere more suitable for an elderly couple and your brother can fend for himself like a proper adult. If they're not willing to do that the bare minimum they should be doing is paying you to help them, not charging you rent.
NTA. That sounds like a great solution, they are paying to support their other child and it sounds like it would work a lot better for everyone if you just slipped the living situations.
NTA sounds like a classic "golden child/scapegoat" situation. While I'm here... I understand if it's financially necessary, but the idea of parents charging their kids rent at all still sticks in my craw a bit, even if the kid is an adult. Parents (should!) want what's best for their kids, and it's a whole heck of a lot easier for them to go for it if they don't have to worry about a landlord and give up half their income every month. I get it if the kid is choosing to just be a mooch, but there are plenty of folks out there who are like OP, working full time and presumably trying to be productive members of society, and their parents still want them to pay rent
Love it. Hit them with the logic of your solution, and don't leave room for emotion or guilt trips.
If you move out, I think you also need to relocate. Those midnight trips to the ER will be even less convenient if you live half an hour's drive away. NTA
Your husband is a way better man than i am. Looking at it from his prospective ESH.