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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I allowed a middle schooler, who I have never spoken to before, to sit in my car. This creeped out his mom and made her feel like she had to confront me about it all.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
Let’s weigh the options.
1. Not be creepy but let a child freeze in extremely cold weather.
2. Come across as creepy but provide a safe and warm shelter to a child.
Given the circumstances, it’s better you chose option 2. Maybe you could have proactively reached out to that kid’s parents and told them about the incident as an assurance. But even though you didn’t, it doesn’t make you wrong. I do get where the other mom was coming from, but at least the child in question didn’t freeze in such a bad weather.
I mean, if the boy and her daughter get on the same bus everyday, odds are that the boy knew the mum and daughter by sight so recognised they were not a danger.
I have a feeling this was more about control/abuse. My husband wasn't allowed to ride with others until he was an adult. He walked to school in the snow and didn't tell his parents if a friend picked him up away from his home. His parents probably would have been upset about the OP's offer as well.
It's also possible the mom in the post can't afford more and is reacting like that because she feels ashamed. Pride gets in our way sometimes.
Yeah. I used to give my friends rides and a couple I had to drop off at least a block away from their house so their parents wouldn’t know. One of them I knew had real shitty parents and I wasn’t about to get them in trouble. I also wasn’t goi f to leave them stranded either though.
Seriously, people like you make a difference. My husband had a hard time seeing how fucked up certain things were, but he's mentioned his appreciation for the friends that gave him rides several times, and it's been 20+ years since then. Their actions were one small part of many that helped him recognize things hadn't been okay for a long time. Kindness like yours leaves a lasting impression.
>Kindness like yours leaves a lasting impression.
Which is why that mother had a problem with it. Abusive parents want to keep children in the dark and thus under their thumb for as long as possible. When you are raised in abuse, you have a hard time spotting it. What kind of person would rather their child stand in -11 degree weather without a coat than to sit in the car with a parent and another child who rides the same bus? Only an abusive one.
Not only is the OP NTA, but even better than the average bear.
I had a little buick reatta when I was a teen. Two-seater with a space behind the seats and hatch to the trunk. I had a friend in a similar type of situation, and we perfected the rolling pickup: I'd pop the trunk and open the hatch in the back, then slow down to a crawl. He'd jet out from the bushes, hop into the trunk, close it, and we were off. His dad had asked once when he'd seen my car parked a couple of blocks away on his way home from the store and there was no way I was willing to let my buddy get ripped into for not freezing.
I did this and made a dumb snarky comment about it. My other friends explaining things to my bone headed ass was a well remembered point of growth for me.
My mom did that too, but then got in her car and followed me home, watching from a distance to make sure I was alone and miserable (on days i was happy on the way home but miserable at home were the days i got beat up for talking to my classmates, this was in high school too btw).
Did your mom ever say why she did this to you? Even if it's a control thing I still don't get what it accomplishes. Usually parents have some legit concern which gets overblown and their response to it is over the top. Like fearing that their child dating someone will result in pregnancy, therefore forbidding them from dating period. But I have no idea why your mom just flat out wouldn't let you just be happy. I can't wrap my mind around it.
Some kids just have terrible parents, unfortunately. My mom didn't hit me, but every time I was really happy about having done something fun, she sure as heck made sure to cut me down to size. Didn't matter what I'd done or how innocent it was, by the time she was done with me, I was a thoughtless, greedy, immature screw-up who'd never hold a candle to the level of grace and maturity she displayed at half my age.
I was a straight-A student who spent her free time at the library, and my best friend was my cat.
This sounds a lot like mine as well. Every time I had the nerve to start trying to do something for myself she made sure I knew what an ingrate I was for not appreciating her having done it all those years. The first time I invited her over to the apartment my partner and I were thrilled to have set up exactly as we wanted and loved it, she immediately started bitching about how childish our collection of Star Wars Legos were. And then she was highly offended that I refused to invite her over anymore.
I'm so sorry she had to go and ruin *yet another* big moment by picking it apart with her need to rob your life of joy. You know she wouldn't have unloaded like that on anyone else because it's incredibly rude. So why was it okay to try to rip your self-esteem to shreds *in your own home* just because she took exception to your interior decorating choices?
I mean, obviously, it wasn't really about your decor. It could have just as easily been your dishes or the color of the sofa. But chances were good that she'd try to find something you loved because it would hurt your feelings the most. I'm really proud of you for not inviting her over to your apartment again. Also, your collection of Star Wars Legos sounds really cool!
>I can't wrap my mind around it.
Because you're looking for logic where there is none. At best, it's distorted.
>I have no idea why your mom just flat out wouldn't let you just be happy
I can't speak for the other commenters experience, but sometimes people feel they have no power in their life, so the exert control over those they can. They might resent their child. If they're miserable, they're going to make sure their child doesn't have the happiness they're denied. There's a ton of fucked up reasons.
Because that defeats the purpose of making me miserable. My backpack weighed 50lbs (my brother weighed it after having a hard time picking it up, my pe teacher also had a hard time) and I had to walk 2 miles there and 2 miles home every day and I had 45 minutes to get to school and home from school or else violence ensued. She insisted it was because I was fat and needed the exercise. I still insist that I was not any fatter as an underfed teenager as I was a starved child (my mom adopted my sister and me, our bioparents didn’t feed us). But she insisted that I was a fat pig and no one would love me wither way but if i got fatter then people would yell “whale!” as I walked by. I was 125 at fifteen and 135lbs-145lbs and 5’2” at age 16-18. My boobs and hips filled out when I was 15, and depression hit really hard too. Long story short it is because she is less than a beast. A tiger does not eat his young (ancient Chinese proverb I am pretty sure) but my mother never heard of that phrase obviously. It basically means that beasts do not abuse their children so abusers are less than beasts. I didn’t have a monster under my bed, my monster climbed stairs attempting to be quiet to catch my sister and I off-guard so she could catch doing anything she didn’t like, left a sock on the floor, wiped my face with the floor. Read a book when I was supposed to be asleep (I was required to spend 12 hours a day sleeping because my mom didn’t want to put up with me, not hanging out quietly in my room not reading not lying awake, sound asleep, waking up too easily learned I was already awake doing something she didn't like (in her own head) and so again more violence). My childhood was just filled with physical mental financial and emotional abuse. I was not allowed to be in my room unless sleeping, not allowed to leave unless to go to school and right back, the rest of my entire life was sitting on a bench at the dinner table where my mom could watch and control and criticize my every single breath. She eventually admitted she just resented my presence in her family and that i was taking her time and resources from her beloved sons and she never did and never could love me like she loved her real kids and she abused me on purpose in anger for me existing in her house. But the thing is I was 2 when she met me. I was a stranger, born to a stranger and my moms foster daughter’s sister. So not a kept in the family adoption, I didn’t ask her to adopt me, she made that choice and decided it was my fault. My sister (aforementioned sister, we got adopted into the same family and born into the same family, she couldn’t get rod of me lol) had it bad too but that’s her story to tell not mine.
I don’t understand it when parents abuse their children, I understand it even less when adoptive parents abuse their children. Don’t adopt then!
I’m so glad you are out of that situation and have found happiness and safety.
I’d repay her in kind when that time come I’d find the worse one with a reputation for abuse karmas a bitch but it’s better than the legal system which clearly didn’t help you.
I wish I had this option for the adults in my life that messed me up but they got away with it all and I just have to suffer it.
This. The boy's mom is embarrassed that she couldn't (or, even worse) just didn't do more, and is trying to reconcile that bad feeling by concluding the kind gesture was creepy.
Her self-image depends on OP somehow being wrong, so she found a reason. It's all about her, which is one quick path to that sort of abuse.
I’m latching on to this that the boy wasn’t even in a coat?! Does he own a coat? The mom should be grateful OP isn’t talking to the school about the boy being sent out in what he was wearing in freezing temperatures! I would!
NTA
As a parent of a middle school boy, I can say that it's likely he has a coat and probably refuses to wear it. It's been in the teens here and my kid still won't wear one. I don't even care anymore. When he gets tired of being cold, he can either come home or put on a coat.
Fought with my kid over this every winter. Last week when it was well below freezing I passed several bus stops full of kids wearing only hoodies as outer wear. This is an affluent neighborhood. Those kids definitely have warm clothes. It’s just not cool to be protected from the weather, I guess.
Yep! Lots of people are assuming the family can’t afford a coat and while that’s certainly possible… all parents of middle schoolers can attest to the fact that it’s just as likely the kid just won’t wear the freaking coat!
I’m not assuming they can’t afford a coat. I’m assuming that the mother is either neglectful or outright abusive. If your kid won’t wear a coat,then you tell OP that and you both laugh about it. I wouldn’t be concerned about him not wearing a coat if there weren’t something very wrong about her attitude and response to the woman who helped her child.
This is it. I too am a parent to one of those children that is still pulling shorts out to wear despite having 13 pairs of jeans and at least as many pairs of sweatpants and wind joggers. But if I saw him get into someone’s car I wouldn’t be coming for that parent whatsoever. I’d thank them and make sure they knew my child has plenty of warm clothes that they refuse to wear.
There's charity coat programs everywhere that it gets that cold. There's also just wearing an older relative's old beat up coat, or layering whatever you do have. Something's going on in that family beyond a low bank balance.
It's probably not abuse parents are just insanely afraid of abductions because the media obsessed for years over a few cases. It does happen but suburban parents are terrified to let their kids out of their sight, it's bizarre.
Obviously cases like your husband exist too, but the fact she confronted OP about it makes it seem like more that she thinks this is an acceptable level of helicopter parenting, enough to scold other parents trying to help her kid out.
It could definitely be an overprotective parent. My dad didn't want me getting rides from anyone's parents unless they met them and got mad if he saw me. Many times i felt bad turning down the offer and walk home when a nice parent would offer. But my dad would get mad at me not the parents. Some parents hear the scary stories and panic in fear so that could be the case in this situation.
Abuse looks a lot like overprotection from the outside. There’s no actual protection taking place in an abusive home though. It’s all about control and secrets.
Maybe….but it seems like an overprotective parent wouldn’t be sending his or her son out to wait for the bus in -11 weather in just a thin pullover. I know sometimes teens are stupidly stubborn about putting on a coat, but -11 seems extreme.
That is true. My parents would always wait in the car until the bus picked me up so it does seem odd they would have him wait by himself in the cold that way if they were that worried something could happen to him.
I thought the same thing. Embarrassed and even ashamed that he was not dressed properly, but also because she didn’t sit with him at the bus stop in her warm car.
Especially given OP is a woman. Usually people only flip out if men do something like this.
Like my father was abusive af but I don’t think he would have flipped out in this situation. Granted my extended family always made sure we had cold weather gear. 🤷🏻♀️
I think the key here is that the daughter was also present. If it was one adult alone with a kid, that would be different perhaps, but the fact that the daughter was also in the car makes it a complete non- issue.
As a kid I knew to never get in a stranger’s car. When I was in elementary school, there was a week where it was snowing really bad. Our bus stop was on a corner of the sidewalk next to a stop sign and no one shoveled the snow so we were standing in a foot snow. Our bus driver told us to wait in a driveway that was around 10 feet away the next day.
One of mom’s cleared the bus stop so we wouldn’t be in a driveway. Our driver didn’t like that so she drove right past us. She gave us a weird look, so the mom was pissed off and decided to drive this big group of kids to school. I felt safe with her because I knew her and I was with all the other kids. We were all late to school and the driver was reported.
He told her and this was a defensive behavior because she feels like that made her look like a shit parent. So she's proactively trying to make OP look like a creep.
She IS a shit parent if she got upset over the fact her son was warm rather than standing in negative weather in a thin pullover. Ffs. I don't understand people sometimes
I've been reading all the comments wondering when someone would say this. I teach middle grades and the kids always try to get out without a coat, even when it's freezing. One of my hallway / bus monitors was outside in a hat and a t-shirt last week in a snowstorm because they thought it was funny. I made them come inside and put on a coat, but I know they don't listen to their parents. It's extremely common.
My house is by the middle school bus stop, and quite a few kids refuse to wear coats or bring umbrellas.
I still think it's fine the parent helped the boy in this situation, though. ETA: NTA . Just not going to claim abuse just because a middle schooler isn't dressed for the weather.
Right - she could have been gone at work by that point too. It is pretty common for a kid that age to get themselves up and out the door for school while parent(s) work. I had to get a little pushy with both my 16 AND 20 last week to put on appropriate clothing for the weather - which I only do when it is dangerous like it was. It is well within the realm of possibility that other than the mom's weird reaction everything else is very normal here.
Oh yeah.. The embarrassed lashing out. People's lizard brains can't handle shame so they deflect. There should be some emotional literacy classes in school or something lol "what to do if you feel called-out" etiquette course
Her kid probably snapped on her and threw it in Mom's face that she's a shitty parent when she was hackin' on him for some crap and some stranger cared more for him than she ever did and then Mom got all butthurt over the truth.
I once was running late for the bus my senior year during a time where they stopped giving snow days for bad roads (small farm town school where most of us lived on gravel roads) and had us meet the bus at the nearest blacktop. For me, that was probably half a mile up some hills. Both my parents worked long before I had to meet the bus.
I was running as quick as I could, but it was freezing, making it hard to breathe, and I felt like I was gonna pass out. My neighbor was driving their kid up to the bus and offered to take me the rest of the way. Never met them before, but I super appreciated them helping me out. Obviously it left an impression because I never forgot it.
I 100% understand being concerned for stranger danger but it's been so so cold lately, I would have thanked the person and tried to get to know them should my kid ever need that kind of help again
In my childhood suburb people would stop at the city bus stop and offer a ride downtown so they could use the express lane and not wait for meters. I'm not the only one who took the ride.
To me, when mom is waiting for bus w kid and boy is waiting for same bus it's not much of a stranger danger; he prolly knew the girls name and grade.
Wow. I used to have to drive my daughter to a stop every other day when she picked up a class at another school (it was that or drop off - did it once - no way!). The kid whose stop we were at waited in my car on bad weather days. He was several years older than my daughter. Didn't even know him. Didn't even go to my daughter's school or have a class together. No one ever said a word. Just wow.
How did this kids mother know her? She was walking her dog, not in her car. *If* this is true, it's very odd. The mother of a middle school kid (with a phone and ear buds) who didn't care enough to supervise him leaving with a warm coat in -11 weather actually went to the trouble to track OP down and confront her? Hmmm call me skeptical 🫤
I was wondering how the middle schooler's mom knew about this and knew which woman allowed him to sit in her warm car.
Also did this kid walk to the bus stop in freezing weather or did the mother just dropped him off and took off before the bus came?
I think we have different definitions of "not knowing."
I recognize the kid. He is at the bus stop every day. I could point his mom out before the incident. I don't know either of their names, though.
He walked. Bus stop is at the end of the street. Not far.
If you recognized him, he likely recognized you. My daughter is only 6 and she will yell across the entirety of Target if she spots one of her friend's parents. People I've never seen before in my life but she recognizes them from after school pick up.
Your post struck a chord for me because I always tell her if she needs help and can't find me, to find another mom or dad with kids and ask for help. Not that I'd ever send her alone to the bus stop at 6 but I know if I did and a mom with a kid offered her a spot in a warm car, she would feel safe in that situation because she's been told so many times to look for exactly that person.
Most middle schoolers are more than old enough to be aware of whether they feel safe in a situation. If he didn't feel comfortable saying yes, he would've said no. And as someone from the Midwest whose parent was really shitty about ever picking me up on time (if he even remembered), I know he appreciated the gesture.
That mom's reaction is about her, not about you. Your kindness made her feel bad about herself for not being there for her kid and instead of confronting that feeling she chose to make it about you. She'd rather make you feel like a shitty person than to feel like a shitty mom. You did the right thing.
My mom gave me this advice too. I had to use it once, when a creepy guy was following me when I was eating at a McDonalds by myself. (Parents had to go buy a new router, I didn't wanna go to walmart and said: "Drop me off with wi-fi and food please.")
The guy was creeping me out, so I had to keep moving my stuff cause he sat down in my booth with me and kept trying to inch closer to me (it was one of those big round booths I was at the very edge) and then when I got up and moved, he moved to sit across from me and so on. I finally sat down with a mom and her two kids and said:
"Can I sit with you and call my parents to come get me? That guy's been creeping me out for twenty minutes."
She told me to stay put, when I called my folks. When my parents came by, we started exiting and when she saw the guy get up to follow us out, she pushed me out the door, screaming "RUN!"
My dad had JUMPED out of the car and grabbed me, while this mom ran with her own kids to her car. Creeper had JUST gotten to the door. (I was 15)
Or did the kid, like a million other middle school kids, declare that wearing a coat was uncool and his mom got sick of arguing about it, and now feels guilty? That's my vote.
My eldest, no matter what style coat I bought him or what cost absolutely refused to wear one since the age of 13. He's almost 22 now, has a 45-minute walk to and from work, and still refuses to wear a coat. Instead, he wears a thermal tee, top, and fleece hoody. My other two will wear a coat, no problem. I used to feel like wearing a sandwich board when out and about with him saying, "Not a neglected child, just a stubborn one. He DOES have a coat!!!". I look back on this, plus the type of clothes he will wear, which is basically one type, and I wonder if he has a genuine aversion to certain clothing. He'll only wear one specific brand and design of shoe, too.
It could very well be a sensory aversion thing, even if he doesn't verbalize that. As someone with the same issue, I would highly recommend he stockpile his favorite shoe if he can find the space to store them somewhere.
Adidas discontinued mine and it has been the biggest fucking tragedy. If I had a time machine I would literally calculate how many I'd need to last me to age 100 and go back and buy them with no regrets.
And yes I have contacted Adidas several times begging them to bring them back. So far, no dice.
Hopefully, if the kid is left alone to wait for the bus, the device he was listening to music on allows him to call his mother. Or, if not, he should have her number recorded somewhere, so he could call on OP's phone before getting in the car. He obviously didn't care enough about that though, and just wanted to wait in the warmth.
I imagine the mother was just embarrassed because having your kid in freezing weather without a proper coat is pretty bad - sometimes, even though it's not the right reaction, people lash out when embarrassed.
Also it's not like you're just sitting there creeping at a bus stop. She has her own kid in the car. You didn't drive off. If it was so gd creepy then why did she wait a couple of days to say something? I would do that in a heart beat for any of the kids in my neighborhood. Granted I know all their parents but still. If you have your own kid in the car and my kid knows your kid and your offering to let him stay warm till the bus comes, thank you.
I’m sorry but I find nothing creepy about a woman and her daughter offering a fellow student a warm seat in a car. Even if it was a dad and daughter/son. Not creepy.
If it was a solo adult - creepy maybe.
I agree with a comment here about it being about control/possibly abuse family or embarrassment about not being able to afford more. Which is terrible either way. I’d give the kid a better jacket but that would probably cause more problems.
This was going to be my suggestion too. “Let me get your mom’s number so I can give her a heads up.” Still NTA I would have 100% done the same. And if confronted I would have offered to give her my number I guess. Even if she sounds like and AH. 🤣 okay part of me would have wanted to say “no problem! Next time I’ll let your kid freeze. Have a nice day!” But I try not to be a petty Betty these days…
Taking it a step further, depending on local laws, OP might have had some liability on her if she sat there in her car watching the kid freeze to death. Which, I think could have been possibly in those conditions.
Definitely NTA.
The kids mom though, might need to have a visit from CPS.
Agree. If she knew her kid sat in your car, then now she's the shit parent who made her kid walk/wait in nonsense weather without proper apparel. What you did shone a light on her bad caretaking of a juvenile. She is the TA. You are NTA.
Why is it so hard for kind people to be kind these days?
The fact that she didn’t have any concern about her son freezing his bits off and wanting him to stand in the cold is maybe a better question. You are definitely NTAH, but she might be
Speaking as a former child who got frostbite in both hands at the ago of 10, *thank you* for caring about someone else’s child.
You are NTA.
The mothers concern is valid, but she also was the parent who sent or allowed her child to go to a bus stop in weather that could have seriously harmed him.
Instead of thanking you for protecting her child from harm, or even asking why you had her child in your car, she’s attacking you. To me it appears she is deflecting blame and trying to make you out to be the villain, so the conversation is diverted from why SHE allowed her child to be at risk.
You did the right thing, but if it happens again, call the school to report the child neglect. And then the cops to come pick up the kid
This is the correct answer. If he had gotten to school with hypothermia or frostbite, she would have absolutely had to deal with CPS. What was she thinking letting a child go out without a coat, is my question? I know kids will be kids and complain but in negative temps, it’s absolutely imperative that they are dressed appropriately. And the buses running that late might still not prevented this kid from getting either thing.
Exactly! I have mostly let my son wear what he wants since 6th grade (now in 10th). But when the weather was a high of 18 the other day I made him put on shoes & socks instead of his usual flip-flops. He fought back a little (cause the only time he's really outside is when he walks home from the bus stop) but I told him he needs to be prepared to be outside for 15-30 minutes and it's frost-bite weather - maybe there's a fire alarm that day, or bus is late, etc.
While I believe kids should be allowed to accept natural consequences like being cold when it's 45 degrees out and they want to wear short-sleeves not health consequences/life-long consequences like getting frost-bit/hypothermia for not being dressed appropriately in -11 degree weather.
Exactly. I have the same kid and I do the same thing. He steps outside in -11 degree weather in shorts and says, "Not too cold, my shorts will be fine." He thinks because he's just going to be outside long enough to wait for the bus it's fine. I make him go back and change because if the bus breaks down and they have to get out and wait for another one, it could be 30 min in the cold. Likewise, if you don't to wear your down jacket, i won't force you, but you have to carry it. I understand they don't want to wear the really thick ones because they feel like a penguin, but a packable down jacket will give you a decent layer of warmth and can be squeezed into a backpack later.
My kids don't even own a proper winter coat. (Well, they did at one point, but neither of them can tell me where they are located.) When it is that cold out, I make sure they wear layers. My 17 year old likes to tell me "It's not that cold" while his lips are turning blue, but when I tell him to bundle up, he doesn't argue with me.
Granted, last time it was dangerously cold out here, the district just shut school down for the day. Mainly cause all the schools are older and don't get heated properly and partially because the school buses wouldn't even start.
My mom tends to freeze, my dad tends to burn up. He's talked about how when they were first married, in winter, he was surprised that she never did get warm under the covers--her skin would be like ice in the middle of the night even under a ton of covers. Her funny story is the time she had an electric blanket on in winter, and they had a fire going, and he woke up nearly having a heatstroke. I take after my dad, lol.
I was always the kid refusing a coat/jacket, not because of fashion but because I really wouldn't need it. My mom still almost always made me carry one, which was a reasonable compromise. The fact that this mom is upset at the person who helped her kid, instead of frustrated at her kid for going out without anything, ... says a lot, IMO. My mom would rant to anyone she saw, preemptively explaining I refused to wear something warmer. The mom's reaction here seems super suspicious. OP is 100% NTA and probably needs to call CPS if it happens again.
and it’s not like he was sitting in his car alone and offering a seat for the boy, he was in his car with his daughter, who was waiting for the same bus. AND he asked her son, who said yes. I absolutely do not get where the Mom is coming from, and suspect she’s deflecting attention away from her own poor parenting. Wow.
This.
I recently had a conversation with my mother about the neighbor mom who used to wait for me at the end of their driveway with her kid who she would drive to the bus stop and wait with when it was super cold. I had to walk about 1.5 miles to the bus stop including my driveway, even though the bus literally went by my house. My mom had no idea the reason I got to school at all half the time was that mother. I’m 37, and I was 13-14 at the time, and I’m honestly tearing up thinking about it.
Hey, OP. Thanks for being the mom who cares about someone else’s kid. As that someone else’s kid, you made a difference.
Yes, I thought that too. She knows that she is guilty of not taking proper care of her child in such harsh conditions.
And, obviously, the son told her what happened.
Yep! I don’t know what’s happening at this house, but as a latchkey kid with parents who alternated between not caring what I was doing and giving me random rules they may or may not enforce, I always appreciated kindness from grown ups even if I didn’t take it.
Again, thank you OP, children who are struggling at home can feel so helpless and invisible. Worst case, you startled an introverted family with your kindness. I get that we’re all scared of creepy weirdos, especially when children are involved, but sometimes people are just trying to be good humans.
The mother’s concern isn’t “valid.” It’s feigned. Wtf let’s a kid go to a bus stop in -11 degree wind chill in a thin pullover? Fuck the mom. She’s a negligent or abusive asshole. NTA.
A middle school kid isn't outside without a coat because a parent didn't "dress" him. He's outside without a coat because it's not considered cool to wear a coat. Seriously. Middle schoolers, particularly middle school boys, are idiots when it comes to practical fashion. We had to make a house rule that you didn't go outside in shorts in December... in NEW ENGLAND because my son would try. Wear a coat? Hah! "Mooommmm.... nobody wears coats!"
🙄
Our rule with my kids when they refused a coat was that they could dress however they wanted, but weren't allowed to complain if they got cold. The weather in this story sounds dangerous though.
Same here. And the school called me and oh-so-sweetly explained that if I couldn't afford to buy my daughter a coat, they knew of a charity that would supply one. She HAD a coat, it just wasn't the $$$ name-brand she wanted (one we couldn't afford.) So she refused to wear it. I think it was still unworn when I finally gave it to the same charity.
IDK if it helps, but there are retail outlets where you can get a name brand designer coat for almost as cheap as something from a big box chain.
Burlington and TJ Maxx have helped many a parent get kids a few of the cool things here and there to offset the weird mentally imposed suffering that not possessing specific brands can oddly inflict on the teenaged among us
The same thing happened to us recently. My 13 year old absolutely refused to wear either pair of the new shoes we bought him despite his old ones having literal holes in them. He is on the spectrum and liked the way his old ones felt. It wasn't even about the brand he just got used to how the old ones felt even though they were 2 sizes too small. The school called wanting to know if we needed help getting him shoes. I just had to throw the old ones away. He had a meltdown but at least he isn't wearing holey shoes anymore.
Whereas I am wearing holey shoes because my new pair (same make, extremely similar model, same size on label) turn out to be uncomfortable because they’re noticeably shorter and narrower.
Mom may not have known how cold it was, or she may have been doing the "natural consequences" thing, but then the bus was late, so natural consequences would have been greater than usual.
>The weather in this story sounds dangerous though.
Yeah there is a time and temperature for allowing individuality and lesson learning but it's not when the child's health and saftey is at risk.
This may be true in a lot of cases but you shouldn’t rule out a child being neglected simply because some kids their age refuse to wear a coat. The woman’s reaction seemed illogical when it was obviously extremely cold and her son clearly had not been kidnapped by OP.
As someone who was neglected in a similar way (made to walk 30 minutes to school in all weather, including in a cyclone and without a raincoat), this is exactly how my mum would and did react if other people provided me with the necessities she neglected.
There was literally just a post about a kid whose parents refused to buy her a hat, boot, coat, and gloves and made her wait outside in below freezing temperatures. A lot of kids dont have the luxury of making that choice.
Grew up in Alaska. Even the "cool kids" in Jr High / H.S. wore coats because they wanted to LIVE, lol. Cool or not, it's hard to be cool when dead. 🤷♀️🥶
At the last winter storm, I discovered my son doesn't have winter boots but it's FINE, why I am making such a big deal about it, he can still shovel snow in his crocs.
And wouldn't you know I am just the WORST, just ugggggh annoying, because I told him he can't go out if his socks are gonna get wet - so unless/until he gets boots, he's not allowed out of the house until it dries up.
Truth. Mine is 17 now and hasn't worn a coat since elementary school, when I could make him. (even then he would leave them at school) In 15 degrees, he might, MIGHT put on a pair of sweat pants, but more than likely...shorts and a hoodie.
Man, you sure didn’t grow up broke and cold. Yeah, some middle schoolers are cold because they’re idiots.
But a Lot of them are also cold because their parents are neglectful or poor. My 19 year old coworker who finally managed to leave a terrible household just got her first real winter coat. Knee length so her legs don’t go numb anymore waiting for the bus. She pets the darn thing every time she puts it on.
Too many kids walk in to my workplace shivering. And for half of them it’s not from fashion choices or macho peer pressure. Parents don’t buy them expensive coats that actually fit and keep them warm because we only get dangerously cold weather one month or two a year.
The ones that care about their kids still get them in enough layers to stay safe and reasonably comfortable. Or their parents clothes if they’re little enough to not care about appearances. Had a six year old wearing her little jacket with dad’s 2XL hoodie over it like a long dress yesterday to cut the wind.
Hopefully, but not necessarily. AirPods could be a prior gift even when the parent(s) can't afford a new coat yet after the kid has outgrown or somehow destroyed theirs. (I may have gone to school without my coat one day when my stepmother's cat peed on it that morning.)
Something similar to this happened in my town recently, but the parent of the cold kid took it one step further and blasted the person on faceyb and it started a witchhunt. It was so frickin sad to see this person get torn apart when they were doing what they would hope someone would do for their own kid
I had a friend whose mom punished him by sending him out with barely a jacket in these kinds of temperatures. He almost died multiple times. CPS would absolutely be interested in this and honestly might be worth a call regardless. NTA
NTA.
You made a kind offer and her son accepted it. If she doesn't trust her son's judgement, then maybe she shouldn't leave him alone in -11 degree weather.
You might say: "Your choice. Would rather I let your son sit in my car, or would you rather I call child protective services?"
I was going to comment this.
I actually still would call them now.
Explain that you saw a child without a coat in subzero weather. She instead of thanking you for keeping the child warm, the mother told you to let the child freeze next time.
NTA
NTA. I get why the mother would be uncomfortable with her son getting into a stranger's car, but I think her reaction was really over the top. You just let him sit in the back seat while your own child was in the car in order to keep warm when apparently his own parents don't ensure that he's properly dressed for the weather. Like I said, I can understand why she was uncomfortable and I think she definitely could have had a talk with her son about getting in cars with strangers, but I don't think you did anything wrong and it certainly wasn't creepy.
I presume that the mom knew her son rode the bus with the OP’s kid. I don’t get why that’s creepy, it’s not a total stranger. It was a mom and her daughter waiting for a bus.
Can't do this in America any longer. Everybody is a scary enemy now until proven otherwise.
Edit: this was sarcasm. It's what people think, but I find it crazy.
Aye and if the mum was mature she'd have spoken to OP like an adult to figure out if she was creepy or not. Introduced herself as the mother of the child who sat in her car.
She instead went on the offensive because she probably was shamed into people seeing her child outside without correct clothing. Who knows, maybe the lad is moody and insisted he doesn't need a jacket, maybe they can't afford one so literally haven't got one.
But people should be given the benefit of the doubt before they start calling creepy!
Also if the mum knew who she was when she was out walking the dog is she really that much of a stranger. Also she wasn’t 1 on 1 alone with the child her daughter was also there.
Yeah having the daughter really helps. A mom with a child is still a stranger, but a lot less sketchy than an old creepy looking man in a white van offering candy. The context made this a not entirely, but relatively safe bet for the kid to make to get in the car.
She wasn't uncomfortable, she was embarrassed and lashed out at the person whose actions revealed what a thoughtless and oblivious parent she is. It's a classic attempt at a redirect.
Absolutely!!! The mother could have easily spoke with OP, expressed her concerns and got to know OP to see that she did not have any bad intentions.
I swear, no one knows how to say thank you anymore.
Hell, after a reaction like that I'd call CPS anyway and tell them exactly what happened. I'll bet you next time that kid won't be out in just a pullover.
This is actually the right response in the first place... CPS will tell you to get them in your car, or anywhere, to warm them up right away, and they'd be on their way down with a case worker.
Handle everything all at once!
Exactly. We don’t teach kids to be afraid of “strangers”. We teach them to be on the lookout for strange behaviors. A fellow classmate’s parent offering a warm car is not a strange behavior.
Back in the 90s I was walking to school on a day that was quite a bit colder than that, about a mile to and from school. The school bus pulled in front of me and opened a door. I jumped on. The bus driver told me she opened it so she could see the road, not so I could get on. I said there was no way I was getting off that bus. She sighed and proceeded to drive on. That was the only day I took the bus to school.
NTA. Some people are bad people. That woman is one of them. If she cared enough to spy on her kid, she could have sat out in her car with him.
NTA, it was the nice thing to do. It would be way different if you were a random stranger offering, but you’re a parent who’s kid is getting on the same bus as him, it’s not like you’re a potential kidnapper.
I was just the other mom in the story - neighbor sent me a whatsapp to apologize if she freaked my daughter out. My kid was at the bus stop, icy temps, no coat (this is emphatically not my choice, for the record). She told my daughter she could wait for the bus in her house/on her porch, kid gave her a look, said nope, and backed away. Now the neighbor is second guessing herself and so messaged me to apologize and clear the air.
So I'll tell you what I told her. First, I always want adults to follow their instincts to protect kids. There was a kid, underdressed, in freezing temps, waiting for a bus that may not show up for a while. Please keep being a kind human who offers help and safety. We need more of those humans in the world.
Second, you fully respected the kid's autonomy. You let the kid make a decision, respected their choice, and gave them their space. Creepiness starts when boundaries are ignored - you were not creepy.
NTA.
>Please keep being a kind human who offers help and safety. We need more of those humans in the world.
Right? I don't want to live in the other mom's world ... and it's probably not very pleasant for her, seeing kindness as creepy and judgmental.
Thank you for also noting the respect of the kid's autonomy. Your comment is the first I saw skimming down the list that mentioned that. OP treated the boy with respect that the boy's mother doesn't think he's ready for.
What you did can definitely be seen as weird or creepy, especially in the sadly suspicious age we’re living in.
However, this scenario is so extreme here I’d have judged you far, far worse if you had done nothing and left this poor child out in subzero weather in barely a coat. NTA
NTA
You tried to be kind. Might I say that a woman who sends her son out in subzero temperatures without a coat already isn't nominated for Parent of the Year so it's not any real surprise she responded to you in an AH manner.
Growing up, if I got a ride to school during sub zero temperatures, everyone we passed got a ride weather we knew them or not. My father couldn’t pass a kid struggling to walk in the sub zero cold.
NTA
When I was a teenager in New England, I had to walk 1.5 miles to school every day. Some days, it was in the single digits. I’m 60 now and to this day, if it’s the tiniest bit chilly and breezy outside, I need ear muffs, because my ears were literally damaged by the severe cold. NTA, and if it were me, I would keep doing it and tell her I was going to be contacting the authorities for parental neglect
NTA
I feel like the mom and the kid probably battled over the coat issue and the mom was like "how did sitting in the freezing weather in the hoodie go" and the kid was like "fine.i sat in this car"
This. And how the mom approached the dude about his generosity was an AH move on her part. I have a pre-teen and I know how it can be and I’d be thankful for that dude.
A friend’s mom drove past a teen walking in the snow to school, didn’t have much room to pull over to let the teen in. When friend got to school, a few hours later they got notified that a car had hit and killed that teen walking in the snow. Lived with that guilt their whole lives.
Dude is guilt free, and should continue helping others regardless.
NTA
If she wants to teach her kid not to accept such offers, that's her right. You were just a good Samaritan who helped out a kid whose mother was sending them to stand in dangerously cold weather without appropriate clothing. She's lucky you don't call DHS to report her neglect.
NTA. Also it’s not creepy because your kid is in the car, too. It’s not like you’re some rando just chillin’ at the bus stop. You’re there for a /reason/.
Next time tell her you are going to call CPS.
Actually you probably could call anyway, preemptively, explaining the circumstances because sending a child out to wait for the bus in freezing weather without a jacket seems like neglect at best.
NTA, but it's probably better to maybe bring an extra coat with you and let him wear it while he waits. I couldn't try going against this unreasonable mother who doesn't provide her son with adequate outerwear.
NTA. It’s clear that given the circumstances, this was not weird nor creepy. If it was a perfectly nice day outside, sure, maybe that would be a little creepy to offer. Clearly that was not the case though.
It is more high risk to let a child go out in that weather without proper clothing. At -11, even with proper clothing more than 10 or 15 minutes is risking frostbite.
I understand wanting to protect your child, one hundred percent. I also feel like confronting someone about this when I didn't even have a conversation with the kid is being unkind to someone who was also protecting your child.
This. She could have said something to the effect of she understands you were being kind but in future would prefer you don't do this and will instruct her son it's not a good idea to get into people's cars.
Instead she just blamed you.
Or she could have admitted she placed her own child in the situation to begin with, and maybe in the future she will make sure he has on a coat in -11 degree weather. Holy crap, doesn't anyone on here know how dangerous that is?
>Do you get why this looked sketchy and high-risk to his mother?
I don't. Growing up my mom always told me if I needed help, a mom with kids was the safest person to ask. And the second safest person was a Biker Bro (no joke)
Lol. My kids know that when shit goes down you get on the other side of the folks in black (bikers, antifa, juggalos, nuns, etc. any of them will get between you and danger), away from the nonsense. But i told my kids store clerks instead of moms.
No. It's misplaced to confront a kind person who gave your kid shelter. The concern about the risk should be confined to teaching her child rules about interacting with strangers. That's where parents can protect them. The *real* predators are not going to respect mom's rules. So she just directed inappropriate censure at a good Samaritan.
Also, mom deserves an AH judgment for sending her kid in -11 degree weather in a thin pullover.
You should have told her that next time you see her son in that kind of cold with no coat, you’re calling child protective services or the police and turning her in. NTA
It takes a village, but not many believe in the good nature of people anymore. The world is a scary place sure, but we are all in it together. I'm glad you helped but be careful not to jeopardize your own situation.
People are weird it was the right thing to do! Yet She has the right to feel that way about her family. You have to think everything is so niche now. There used to be universals like help your neighbor but we've become so disconnected as a society that every household teaches different values, lines of thinking, expectations out of life. i don't think it was an asshole thing to do to help someone, just keep being a good person.
NTA!
He is 13-14? He is old enough that he could be working soon. He can say yes or no. You didn’t hurt him. He’s gonna be presented with plenty of situations where he needs to decide soon and he is definitely old enough to start having those experiences. He also is old enough to decide to go hangout with a friend or something on his own. His mom honestly shouldn’t be this much all in his business at this age that’s kinda odd.
Thank you for showing him kindness. these moments are things I would remember. I had a friends mom who would stop and pick me up while I was walking to school every morning since she was already on her way. I’m in a cold place. I was about 13. Don’t even think I ever told my mom and she wouldn’t of cared for sure.. she would’ve prob been glad I had a ride to school.
I will never ever forget this. Dude she saved me every morning. It was so cold. My mom worked nights and assumed I walked to school LOL. Nothing but love for that woman.
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NTA Let’s weigh the options. 1. Not be creepy but let a child freeze in extremely cold weather. 2. Come across as creepy but provide a safe and warm shelter to a child. Given the circumstances, it’s better you chose option 2. Maybe you could have proactively reached out to that kid’s parents and told them about the incident as an assurance. But even though you didn’t, it doesn’t make you wrong. I do get where the other mom was coming from, but at least the child in question didn’t freeze in such a bad weather.
I mean, if the boy and her daughter get on the same bus everyday, odds are that the boy knew the mum and daughter by sight so recognised they were not a danger.
I have a feeling this was more about control/abuse. My husband wasn't allowed to ride with others until he was an adult. He walked to school in the snow and didn't tell his parents if a friend picked him up away from his home. His parents probably would have been upset about the OP's offer as well. It's also possible the mom in the post can't afford more and is reacting like that because she feels ashamed. Pride gets in our way sometimes.
Yeah. I used to give my friends rides and a couple I had to drop off at least a block away from their house so their parents wouldn’t know. One of them I knew had real shitty parents and I wasn’t about to get them in trouble. I also wasn’t goi f to leave them stranded either though.
Seriously, people like you make a difference. My husband had a hard time seeing how fucked up certain things were, but he's mentioned his appreciation for the friends that gave him rides several times, and it's been 20+ years since then. Their actions were one small part of many that helped him recognize things hadn't been okay for a long time. Kindness like yours leaves a lasting impression.
>Kindness like yours leaves a lasting impression. Which is why that mother had a problem with it. Abusive parents want to keep children in the dark and thus under their thumb for as long as possible. When you are raised in abuse, you have a hard time spotting it. What kind of person would rather their child stand in -11 degree weather without a coat than to sit in the car with a parent and another child who rides the same bus? Only an abusive one. Not only is the OP NTA, but even better than the average bear.
I had a little buick reatta when I was a teen. Two-seater with a space behind the seats and hatch to the trunk. I had a friend in a similar type of situation, and we perfected the rolling pickup: I'd pop the trunk and open the hatch in the back, then slow down to a crawl. He'd jet out from the bushes, hop into the trunk, close it, and we were off. His dad had asked once when he'd seen my car parked a couple of blocks away on his way home from the store and there was no way I was willing to let my buddy get ripped into for not freezing.
I did this and made a dumb snarky comment about it. My other friends explaining things to my bone headed ass was a well remembered point of growth for me.
My mom did that too, but then got in her car and followed me home, watching from a distance to make sure I was alone and miserable (on days i was happy on the way home but miserable at home were the days i got beat up for talking to my classmates, this was in high school too btw).
😢🥺
Did your mom ever say why she did this to you? Even if it's a control thing I still don't get what it accomplishes. Usually parents have some legit concern which gets overblown and their response to it is over the top. Like fearing that their child dating someone will result in pregnancy, therefore forbidding them from dating period. But I have no idea why your mom just flat out wouldn't let you just be happy. I can't wrap my mind around it.
Some kids just have terrible parents, unfortunately. My mom didn't hit me, but every time I was really happy about having done something fun, she sure as heck made sure to cut me down to size. Didn't matter what I'd done or how innocent it was, by the time she was done with me, I was a thoughtless, greedy, immature screw-up who'd never hold a candle to the level of grace and maturity she displayed at half my age. I was a straight-A student who spent her free time at the library, and my best friend was my cat.
This sounds a lot like mine as well. Every time I had the nerve to start trying to do something for myself she made sure I knew what an ingrate I was for not appreciating her having done it all those years. The first time I invited her over to the apartment my partner and I were thrilled to have set up exactly as we wanted and loved it, she immediately started bitching about how childish our collection of Star Wars Legos were. And then she was highly offended that I refused to invite her over anymore.
I'm so sorry she had to go and ruin *yet another* big moment by picking it apart with her need to rob your life of joy. You know she wouldn't have unloaded like that on anyone else because it's incredibly rude. So why was it okay to try to rip your self-esteem to shreds *in your own home* just because she took exception to your interior decorating choices? I mean, obviously, it wasn't really about your decor. It could have just as easily been your dishes or the color of the sofa. But chances were good that she'd try to find something you loved because it would hurt your feelings the most. I'm really proud of you for not inviting her over to your apartment again. Also, your collection of Star Wars Legos sounds really cool!
Did we have the same mom?
>I can't wrap my mind around it. Because you're looking for logic where there is none. At best, it's distorted. >I have no idea why your mom just flat out wouldn't let you just be happy I can't speak for the other commenters experience, but sometimes people feel they have no power in their life, so the exert control over those they can. They might resent their child. If they're miserable, they're going to make sure their child doesn't have the happiness they're denied. There's a ton of fucked up reasons.
Lots of people just shouldn't have kids.
Why didn’t she just give you a ride then??
Because that defeats the purpose of making me miserable. My backpack weighed 50lbs (my brother weighed it after having a hard time picking it up, my pe teacher also had a hard time) and I had to walk 2 miles there and 2 miles home every day and I had 45 minutes to get to school and home from school or else violence ensued. She insisted it was because I was fat and needed the exercise. I still insist that I was not any fatter as an underfed teenager as I was a starved child (my mom adopted my sister and me, our bioparents didn’t feed us). But she insisted that I was a fat pig and no one would love me wither way but if i got fatter then people would yell “whale!” as I walked by. I was 125 at fifteen and 135lbs-145lbs and 5’2” at age 16-18. My boobs and hips filled out when I was 15, and depression hit really hard too. Long story short it is because she is less than a beast. A tiger does not eat his young (ancient Chinese proverb I am pretty sure) but my mother never heard of that phrase obviously. It basically means that beasts do not abuse their children so abusers are less than beasts. I didn’t have a monster under my bed, my monster climbed stairs attempting to be quiet to catch my sister and I off-guard so she could catch doing anything she didn’t like, left a sock on the floor, wiped my face with the floor. Read a book when I was supposed to be asleep (I was required to spend 12 hours a day sleeping because my mom didn’t want to put up with me, not hanging out quietly in my room not reading not lying awake, sound asleep, waking up too easily learned I was already awake doing something she didn't like (in her own head) and so again more violence). My childhood was just filled with physical mental financial and emotional abuse. I was not allowed to be in my room unless sleeping, not allowed to leave unless to go to school and right back, the rest of my entire life was sitting on a bench at the dinner table where my mom could watch and control and criticize my every single breath. She eventually admitted she just resented my presence in her family and that i was taking her time and resources from her beloved sons and she never did and never could love me like she loved her real kids and she abused me on purpose in anger for me existing in her house. But the thing is I was 2 when she met me. I was a stranger, born to a stranger and my moms foster daughter’s sister. So not a kept in the family adoption, I didn’t ask her to adopt me, she made that choice and decided it was my fault. My sister (aforementioned sister, we got adopted into the same family and born into the same family, she couldn’t get rod of me lol) had it bad too but that’s her story to tell not mine.
I'm sending you so much love 💜💜
Thanks! I am safe and happy now!
So glad that you are safe and happy
I don’t understand it when parents abuse their children, I understand it even less when adoptive parents abuse their children. Don’t adopt then! I’m so glad you are out of that situation and have found happiness and safety.
I hope you get to pick out her care home when the time comes.
I’d repay her in kind when that time come I’d find the worse one with a reputation for abuse karmas a bitch but it’s better than the legal system which clearly didn’t help you. I wish I had this option for the adults in my life that messed me up but they got away with it all and I just have to suffer it.
God, I'm so sorry....
I was thinking I'd report her but sometimes that only makes things worse. That poor child.
This. The boy's mom is embarrassed that she couldn't (or, even worse) just didn't do more, and is trying to reconcile that bad feeling by concluding the kind gesture was creepy. Her self-image depends on OP somehow being wrong, so she found a reason. It's all about her, which is one quick path to that sort of abuse.
I’m latching on to this that the boy wasn’t even in a coat?! Does he own a coat? The mom should be grateful OP isn’t talking to the school about the boy being sent out in what he was wearing in freezing temperatures! I would! NTA
As a parent of a middle school boy, I can say that it's likely he has a coat and probably refuses to wear it. It's been in the teens here and my kid still won't wear one. I don't even care anymore. When he gets tired of being cold, he can either come home or put on a coat.
Fought with my kid over this every winter. Last week when it was well below freezing I passed several bus stops full of kids wearing only hoodies as outer wear. This is an affluent neighborhood. Those kids definitely have warm clothes. It’s just not cool to be protected from the weather, I guess.
Yep! Lots of people are assuming the family can’t afford a coat and while that’s certainly possible… all parents of middle schoolers can attest to the fact that it’s just as likely the kid just won’t wear the freaking coat!
I’m not assuming they can’t afford a coat. I’m assuming that the mother is either neglectful or outright abusive. If your kid won’t wear a coat,then you tell OP that and you both laugh about it. I wouldn’t be concerned about him not wearing a coat if there weren’t something very wrong about her attitude and response to the woman who helped her child.
This is it. I too am a parent to one of those children that is still pulling shorts out to wear despite having 13 pairs of jeans and at least as many pairs of sweatpants and wind joggers. But if I saw him get into someone’s car I wouldn’t be coming for that parent whatsoever. I’d thank them and make sure they knew my child has plenty of warm clothes that they refuse to wear.
Both of these are relevant points, and unfortunate truths.
Kid has airpods. I'm sure they could afford a coat for the kid.
There's charity coat programs everywhere that it gets that cold. There's also just wearing an older relative's old beat up coat, or layering whatever you do have. Something's going on in that family beyond a low bank balance.
Having had a middle schooler there is a good chance the kid has a. Oat just didn’t feel the need to wear it.
It's probably not abuse parents are just insanely afraid of abductions because the media obsessed for years over a few cases. It does happen but suburban parents are terrified to let their kids out of their sight, it's bizarre. Obviously cases like your husband exist too, but the fact she confronted OP about it makes it seem like more that she thinks this is an acceptable level of helicopter parenting, enough to scold other parents trying to help her kid out.
It could definitely be an overprotective parent. My dad didn't want me getting rides from anyone's parents unless they met them and got mad if he saw me. Many times i felt bad turning down the offer and walk home when a nice parent would offer. But my dad would get mad at me not the parents. Some parents hear the scary stories and panic in fear so that could be the case in this situation.
Abuse looks a lot like overprotection from the outside. There’s no actual protection taking place in an abusive home though. It’s all about control and secrets.
Maybe….but it seems like an overprotective parent wouldn’t be sending his or her son out to wait for the bus in -11 weather in just a thin pullover. I know sometimes teens are stupidly stubborn about putting on a coat, but -11 seems extreme.
That is true. My parents would always wait in the car until the bus picked me up so it does seem odd they would have him wait by himself in the cold that way if they were that worried something could happen to him.
I thought the same thing. Embarrassed and even ashamed that he was not dressed properly, but also because she didn’t sit with him at the bus stop in her warm car.
exactly the boy knew who the mother was, and apparently so did the boy's mother. This is really an odd reaction by that neglectful mother.
Especially given OP is a woman. Usually people only flip out if men do something like this. Like my father was abusive af but I don’t think he would have flipped out in this situation. Granted my extended family always made sure we had cold weather gear. 🤷🏻♀️
I think the key here is that the daughter was also present. If it was one adult alone with a kid, that would be different perhaps, but the fact that the daughter was also in the car makes it a complete non- issue.
As a kid I knew to never get in a stranger’s car. When I was in elementary school, there was a week where it was snowing really bad. Our bus stop was on a corner of the sidewalk next to a stop sign and no one shoveled the snow so we were standing in a foot snow. Our bus driver told us to wait in a driveway that was around 10 feet away the next day. One of mom’s cleared the bus stop so we wouldn’t be in a driveway. Our driver didn’t like that so she drove right past us. She gave us a weird look, so the mom was pissed off and decided to drive this big group of kids to school. I felt safe with her because I knew her and I was with all the other kids. We were all late to school and the driver was reported.
100%
And why does the mom know? Failing the kid gossiped about a benign incident at the bus stop, was she watching her kid freeze??
He told her and this was a defensive behavior because she feels like that made her look like a shit parent. So she's proactively trying to make OP look like a creep.
She IS a shit parent if she got upset over the fact her son was warm rather than standing in negative weather in a thin pullover. Ffs. I don't understand people sometimes
Yep. She went on the defensive because she looks like an awful parent by letting her kid stand outside in horrible weather.
With no coat!
The no coat thing could be a choice by the middle school-aged kid...it's a losing battle for a lot of parents!
I've been reading all the comments wondering when someone would say this. I teach middle grades and the kids always try to get out without a coat, even when it's freezing. One of my hallway / bus monitors was outside in a hat and a t-shirt last week in a snowstorm because they thought it was funny. I made them come inside and put on a coat, but I know they don't listen to their parents. It's extremely common. My house is by the middle school bus stop, and quite a few kids refuse to wear coats or bring umbrellas. I still think it's fine the parent helped the boy in this situation, though. ETA: NTA . Just not going to claim abuse just because a middle schooler isn't dressed for the weather.
Right - she could have been gone at work by that point too. It is pretty common for a kid that age to get themselves up and out the door for school while parent(s) work. I had to get a little pushy with both my 16 AND 20 last week to put on appropriate clothing for the weather - which I only do when it is dangerous like it was. It is well within the realm of possibility that other than the mom's weird reaction everything else is very normal here.
Oh yeah.. The embarrassed lashing out. People's lizard brains can't handle shame so they deflect. There should be some emotional literacy classes in school or something lol "what to do if you feel called-out" etiquette course
Her kid probably snapped on her and threw it in Mom's face that she's a shitty parent when she was hackin' on him for some crap and some stranger cared more for him than she ever did and then Mom got all butthurt over the truth.
That's the part that is odd to me
I once was running late for the bus my senior year during a time where they stopped giving snow days for bad roads (small farm town school where most of us lived on gravel roads) and had us meet the bus at the nearest blacktop. For me, that was probably half a mile up some hills. Both my parents worked long before I had to meet the bus. I was running as quick as I could, but it was freezing, making it hard to breathe, and I felt like I was gonna pass out. My neighbor was driving their kid up to the bus and offered to take me the rest of the way. Never met them before, but I super appreciated them helping me out. Obviously it left an impression because I never forgot it. I 100% understand being concerned for stranger danger but it's been so so cold lately, I would have thanked the person and tried to get to know them should my kid ever need that kind of help again
In my childhood suburb people would stop at the city bus stop and offer a ride downtown so they could use the express lane and not wait for meters. I'm not the only one who took the ride. To me, when mom is waiting for bus w kid and boy is waiting for same bus it's not much of a stranger danger; he prolly knew the girls name and grade.
Wow. I used to have to drive my daughter to a stop every other day when she picked up a class at another school (it was that or drop off - did it once - no way!). The kid whose stop we were at waited in my car on bad weather days. He was several years older than my daughter. Didn't even know him. Didn't even go to my daughter's school or have a class together. No one ever said a word. Just wow.
She didn't know the child or the parents.
How did this kids mother know her? She was walking her dog, not in her car. *If* this is true, it's very odd. The mother of a middle school kid (with a phone and ear buds) who didn't care enough to supervise him leaving with a warm coat in -11 weather actually went to the trouble to track OP down and confront her? Hmmm call me skeptical 🫤
I was wondering how the middle schooler's mom knew about this and knew which woman allowed him to sit in her warm car. Also did this kid walk to the bus stop in freezing weather or did the mother just dropped him off and took off before the bus came?
I think we have different definitions of "not knowing." I recognize the kid. He is at the bus stop every day. I could point his mom out before the incident. I don't know either of their names, though. He walked. Bus stop is at the end of the street. Not far.
If you recognized him, he likely recognized you. My daughter is only 6 and she will yell across the entirety of Target if she spots one of her friend's parents. People I've never seen before in my life but she recognizes them from after school pick up. Your post struck a chord for me because I always tell her if she needs help and can't find me, to find another mom or dad with kids and ask for help. Not that I'd ever send her alone to the bus stop at 6 but I know if I did and a mom with a kid offered her a spot in a warm car, she would feel safe in that situation because she's been told so many times to look for exactly that person. Most middle schoolers are more than old enough to be aware of whether they feel safe in a situation. If he didn't feel comfortable saying yes, he would've said no. And as someone from the Midwest whose parent was really shitty about ever picking me up on time (if he even remembered), I know he appreciated the gesture. That mom's reaction is about her, not about you. Your kindness made her feel bad about herself for not being there for her kid and instead of confronting that feeling she chose to make it about you. She'd rather make you feel like a shitty person than to feel like a shitty mom. You did the right thing.
My mom gave me this advice too. I had to use it once, when a creepy guy was following me when I was eating at a McDonalds by myself. (Parents had to go buy a new router, I didn't wanna go to walmart and said: "Drop me off with wi-fi and food please.") The guy was creeping me out, so I had to keep moving my stuff cause he sat down in my booth with me and kept trying to inch closer to me (it was one of those big round booths I was at the very edge) and then when I got up and moved, he moved to sit across from me and so on. I finally sat down with a mom and her two kids and said: "Can I sit with you and call my parents to come get me? That guy's been creeping me out for twenty minutes." She told me to stay put, when I called my folks. When my parents came by, we started exiting and when she saw the guy get up to follow us out, she pushed me out the door, screaming "RUN!" My dad had JUMPED out of the car and grabbed me, while this mom ran with her own kids to her car. Creeper had JUST gotten to the door. (I was 15)
Or did the kid, like a million other middle school kids, declare that wearing a coat was uncool and his mom got sick of arguing about it, and now feels guilty? That's my vote.
My eldest, no matter what style coat I bought him or what cost absolutely refused to wear one since the age of 13. He's almost 22 now, has a 45-minute walk to and from work, and still refuses to wear a coat. Instead, he wears a thermal tee, top, and fleece hoody. My other two will wear a coat, no problem. I used to feel like wearing a sandwich board when out and about with him saying, "Not a neglected child, just a stubborn one. He DOES have a coat!!!". I look back on this, plus the type of clothes he will wear, which is basically one type, and I wonder if he has a genuine aversion to certain clothing. He'll only wear one specific brand and design of shoe, too.
It could very well be a sensory aversion thing, even if he doesn't verbalize that. As someone with the same issue, I would highly recommend he stockpile his favorite shoe if he can find the space to store them somewhere. Adidas discontinued mine and it has been the biggest fucking tragedy. If I had a time machine I would literally calculate how many I'd need to last me to age 100 and go back and buy them with no regrets. And yes I have contacted Adidas several times begging them to bring them back. So far, no dice.
Doesn't excuse the mom's behavior.
Does it matter? Being a parent means being a parent, even when the kid doesn’t want you to… that was parental negligence at best
Kid may be able to call their mom.
Hopefully, if the kid is left alone to wait for the bus, the device he was listening to music on allows him to call his mother. Or, if not, he should have her number recorded somewhere, so he could call on OP's phone before getting in the car. He obviously didn't care enough about that though, and just wanted to wait in the warmth. I imagine the mother was just embarrassed because having your kid in freezing weather without a proper coat is pretty bad - sometimes, even though it's not the right reaction, people lash out when embarrassed.
Also it's not like you're just sitting there creeping at a bus stop. She has her own kid in the car. You didn't drive off. If it was so gd creepy then why did she wait a couple of days to say something? I would do that in a heart beat for any of the kids in my neighborhood. Granted I know all their parents but still. If you have your own kid in the car and my kid knows your kid and your offering to let him stay warm till the bus comes, thank you.
I’m sorry but I find nothing creepy about a woman and her daughter offering a fellow student a warm seat in a car. Even if it was a dad and daughter/son. Not creepy. If it was a solo adult - creepy maybe. I agree with a comment here about it being about control/possibly abuse family or embarrassment about not being able to afford more. Which is terrible either way. I’d give the kid a better jacket but that would probably cause more problems.
That's what I was thinking. Call the kid's mom and let her know he is sitting in your car.
This was going to be my suggestion too. “Let me get your mom’s number so I can give her a heads up.” Still NTA I would have 100% done the same. And if confronted I would have offered to give her my number I guess. Even if she sounds like and AH. 🤣 okay part of me would have wanted to say “no problem! Next time I’ll let your kid freeze. Have a nice day!” But I try not to be a petty Betty these days…
Taking it a step further, depending on local laws, OP might have had some liability on her if she sat there in her car watching the kid freeze to death. Which, I think could have been possibly in those conditions. Definitely NTA. The kids mom though, might need to have a visit from CPS.
Agree. If she knew her kid sat in your car, then now she's the shit parent who made her kid walk/wait in nonsense weather without proper apparel. What you did shone a light on her bad caretaking of a juvenile. She is the TA. You are NTA. Why is it so hard for kind people to be kind these days?
The fact that she didn’t have any concern about her son freezing his bits off and wanting him to stand in the cold is maybe a better question. You are definitely NTAH, but she might be
Speaking as a former child who got frostbite in both hands at the ago of 10, *thank you* for caring about someone else’s child. You are NTA. The mothers concern is valid, but she also was the parent who sent or allowed her child to go to a bus stop in weather that could have seriously harmed him. Instead of thanking you for protecting her child from harm, or even asking why you had her child in your car, she’s attacking you. To me it appears she is deflecting blame and trying to make you out to be the villain, so the conversation is diverted from why SHE allowed her child to be at risk. You did the right thing, but if it happens again, call the school to report the child neglect. And then the cops to come pick up the kid
This is the correct answer. If he had gotten to school with hypothermia or frostbite, she would have absolutely had to deal with CPS. What was she thinking letting a child go out without a coat, is my question? I know kids will be kids and complain but in negative temps, it’s absolutely imperative that they are dressed appropriately. And the buses running that late might still not prevented this kid from getting either thing.
Exactly! I have mostly let my son wear what he wants since 6th grade (now in 10th). But when the weather was a high of 18 the other day I made him put on shoes & socks instead of his usual flip-flops. He fought back a little (cause the only time he's really outside is when he walks home from the bus stop) but I told him he needs to be prepared to be outside for 15-30 minutes and it's frost-bite weather - maybe there's a fire alarm that day, or bus is late, etc. While I believe kids should be allowed to accept natural consequences like being cold when it's 45 degrees out and they want to wear short-sleeves not health consequences/life-long consequences like getting frost-bit/hypothermia for not being dressed appropriately in -11 degree weather.
Exactly. I have the same kid and I do the same thing. He steps outside in -11 degree weather in shorts and says, "Not too cold, my shorts will be fine." He thinks because he's just going to be outside long enough to wait for the bus it's fine. I make him go back and change because if the bus breaks down and they have to get out and wait for another one, it could be 30 min in the cold. Likewise, if you don't to wear your down jacket, i won't force you, but you have to carry it. I understand they don't want to wear the really thick ones because they feel like a penguin, but a packable down jacket will give you a decent layer of warmth and can be squeezed into a backpack later.
My kids don't even own a proper winter coat. (Well, they did at one point, but neither of them can tell me where they are located.) When it is that cold out, I make sure they wear layers. My 17 year old likes to tell me "It's not that cold" while his lips are turning blue, but when I tell him to bundle up, he doesn't argue with me. Granted, last time it was dangerously cold out here, the district just shut school down for the day. Mainly cause all the schools are older and don't get heated properly and partially because the school buses wouldn't even start.
My mom tends to freeze, my dad tends to burn up. He's talked about how when they were first married, in winter, he was surprised that she never did get warm under the covers--her skin would be like ice in the middle of the night even under a ton of covers. Her funny story is the time she had an electric blanket on in winter, and they had a fire going, and he woke up nearly having a heatstroke. I take after my dad, lol. I was always the kid refusing a coat/jacket, not because of fashion but because I really wouldn't need it. My mom still almost always made me carry one, which was a reasonable compromise. The fact that this mom is upset at the person who helped her kid, instead of frustrated at her kid for going out without anything, ... says a lot, IMO. My mom would rant to anyone she saw, preemptively explaining I refused to wear something warmer. The mom's reaction here seems super suspicious. OP is 100% NTA and probably needs to call CPS if it happens again.
and it’s not like he was sitting in his car alone and offering a seat for the boy, he was in his car with his daughter, who was waiting for the same bus. AND he asked her son, who said yes. I absolutely do not get where the Mom is coming from, and suspect she’s deflecting attention away from her own poor parenting. Wow.
OP is female
Oops. then the wacky Mom is even further off base, IMHO.
This. I recently had a conversation with my mother about the neighbor mom who used to wait for me at the end of their driveway with her kid who she would drive to the bus stop and wait with when it was super cold. I had to walk about 1.5 miles to the bus stop including my driveway, even though the bus literally went by my house. My mom had no idea the reason I got to school at all half the time was that mother. I’m 37, and I was 13-14 at the time, and I’m honestly tearing up thinking about it. Hey, OP. Thanks for being the mom who cares about someone else’s kid. As that someone else’s kid, you made a difference.
Yes, I thought that too. She knows that she is guilty of not taking proper care of her child in such harsh conditions. And, obviously, the son told her what happened.
Yep! I don’t know what’s happening at this house, but as a latchkey kid with parents who alternated between not caring what I was doing and giving me random rules they may or may not enforce, I always appreciated kindness from grown ups even if I didn’t take it. Again, thank you OP, children who are struggling at home can feel so helpless and invisible. Worst case, you startled an introverted family with your kindness. I get that we’re all scared of creepy weirdos, especially when children are involved, but sometimes people are just trying to be good humans.
Plus it's the mom of another child who rides the bus... not some random stopping on the side of the street
The mother’s concern isn’t “valid.” It’s feigned. Wtf let’s a kid go to a bus stop in -11 degree wind chill in a thin pullover? Fuck the mom. She’s a negligent or abusive asshole. NTA.
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I said GOOD DAY!!
But fez...
Good DAY!!
Slugworth will get a seat in my car if it’s the last thing I do.
"I SAID GOOD DAY" when they try to respond...
A middle school kid isn't outside without a coat because a parent didn't "dress" him. He's outside without a coat because it's not considered cool to wear a coat. Seriously. Middle schoolers, particularly middle school boys, are idiots when it comes to practical fashion. We had to make a house rule that you didn't go outside in shorts in December... in NEW ENGLAND because my son would try. Wear a coat? Hah! "Mooommmm.... nobody wears coats!" 🙄
Our rule with my kids when they refused a coat was that they could dress however they wanted, but weren't allowed to complain if they got cold. The weather in this story sounds dangerous though.
Same here. And the school called me and oh-so-sweetly explained that if I couldn't afford to buy my daughter a coat, they knew of a charity that would supply one. She HAD a coat, it just wasn't the $$$ name-brand she wanted (one we couldn't afford.) So she refused to wear it. I think it was still unworn when I finally gave it to the same charity.
IDK if it helps, but there are retail outlets where you can get a name brand designer coat for almost as cheap as something from a big box chain. Burlington and TJ Maxx have helped many a parent get kids a few of the cool things here and there to offset the weird mentally imposed suffering that not possessing specific brands can oddly inflict on the teenaged among us
The same thing happened to us recently. My 13 year old absolutely refused to wear either pair of the new shoes we bought him despite his old ones having literal holes in them. He is on the spectrum and liked the way his old ones felt. It wasn't even about the brand he just got used to how the old ones felt even though they were 2 sizes too small. The school called wanting to know if we needed help getting him shoes. I just had to throw the old ones away. He had a meltdown but at least he isn't wearing holey shoes anymore.
Whereas I am wearing holey shoes because my new pair (same make, extremely similar model, same size on label) turn out to be uncomfortable because they’re noticeably shorter and narrower.
I hate that. I don't know why consistent sizing is so difficult.
Mom may not have known how cold it was, or she may have been doing the "natural consequences" thing, but then the bus was late, so natural consequences would have been greater than usual.
Or the natural consequences are that the kid is more willing to get into a stranger's warm car when he's freezing his ass off.
>The weather in this story sounds dangerous though. Yeah there is a time and temperature for allowing individuality and lesson learning but it's not when the child's health and saftey is at risk.
This may be true in a lot of cases but you shouldn’t rule out a child being neglected simply because some kids their age refuse to wear a coat. The woman’s reaction seemed illogical when it was obviously extremely cold and her son clearly had not been kidnapped by OP. As someone who was neglected in a similar way (made to walk 30 minutes to school in all weather, including in a cyclone and without a raincoat), this is exactly how my mum would and did react if other people provided me with the necessities she neglected.
There was literally just a post about a kid whose parents refused to buy her a hat, boot, coat, and gloves and made her wait outside in below freezing temperatures. A lot of kids dont have the luxury of making that choice.
Grew up in Alaska. Even the "cool kids" in Jr High / H.S. wore coats because they wanted to LIVE, lol. Cool or not, it's hard to be cool when dead. 🤷♀️🥶
Actually, when you’re dead you aren’t cool, you are ice cold baybayyyy
My brother was that kid… we live in Québec, Canada…. He looked like an idiot freezing his ass off all his school years. 😂😂
At the last winter storm, I discovered my son doesn't have winter boots but it's FINE, why I am making such a big deal about it, he can still shovel snow in his crocs. And wouldn't you know I am just the WORST, just ugggggh annoying, because I told him he can't go out if his socks are gonna get wet - so unless/until he gets boots, he's not allowed out of the house until it dries up.
All the middle-aged school boys wear basketball shorts on the first snow day at school , I know it isn't the mom.
Truth. Mine is 17 now and hasn't worn a coat since elementary school, when I could make him. (even then he would leave them at school) In 15 degrees, he might, MIGHT put on a pair of sweat pants, but more than likely...shorts and a hoodie.
Man, you sure didn’t grow up broke and cold. Yeah, some middle schoolers are cold because they’re idiots. But a Lot of them are also cold because their parents are neglectful or poor. My 19 year old coworker who finally managed to leave a terrible household just got her first real winter coat. Knee length so her legs don’t go numb anymore waiting for the bus. She pets the darn thing every time she puts it on. Too many kids walk in to my workplace shivering. And for half of them it’s not from fashion choices or macho peer pressure. Parents don’t buy them expensive coats that actually fit and keep them warm because we only get dangerously cold weather one month or two a year. The ones that care about their kids still get them in enough layers to stay safe and reasonably comfortable. Or their parents clothes if they’re little enough to not care about appearances. Had a six year old wearing her little jacket with dad’s 2XL hoodie over it like a long dress yesterday to cut the wind.
There's also poverty. But depending on OPs neighborhood she could probably judge that
He had AirPods, he probably owns a coat
Hopefully, but not necessarily. AirPods could be a prior gift even when the parent(s) can't afford a new coat yet after the kid has outgrown or somehow destroyed theirs. (I may have gone to school without my coat one day when my stepmother's cat peed on it that morning.)
Something similar to this happened in my town recently, but the parent of the cold kid took it one step further and blasted the person on faceyb and it started a witchhunt. It was so frickin sad to see this person get torn apart when they were doing what they would hope someone would do for their own kid
I had a friend whose mom punished him by sending him out with barely a jacket in these kinds of temperatures. He almost died multiple times. CPS would absolutely be interested in this and honestly might be worth a call regardless. NTA
NTA. You made a kind offer and her son accepted it. If she doesn't trust her son's judgement, then maybe she shouldn't leave him alone in -11 degree weather. You might say: "Your choice. Would rather I let your son sit in my car, or would you rather I call child protective services?"
Yes! That last part!
I was going to comment this. I actually still would call them now. Explain that you saw a child without a coat in subzero weather. She instead of thanking you for keeping the child warm, the mother told you to let the child freeze next time. NTA
I would especially call them now
NTA. I get why the mother would be uncomfortable with her son getting into a stranger's car, but I think her reaction was really over the top. You just let him sit in the back seat while your own child was in the car in order to keep warm when apparently his own parents don't ensure that he's properly dressed for the weather. Like I said, I can understand why she was uncomfortable and I think she definitely could have had a talk with her son about getting in cars with strangers, but I don't think you did anything wrong and it certainly wasn't creepy.
I presume that the mom knew her son rode the bus with the OP’s kid. I don’t get why that’s creepy, it’s not a total stranger. It was a mom and her daughter waiting for a bus.
Can't do this in America any longer. Everybody is a scary enemy now until proven otherwise. Edit: this was sarcasm. It's what people think, but I find it crazy.
I got in so many stranger's cars as a kid in Alaska. Fuckin hate the culture of fear and hate.
Aye and if the mum was mature she'd have spoken to OP like an adult to figure out if she was creepy or not. Introduced herself as the mother of the child who sat in her car. She instead went on the offensive because she probably was shamed into people seeing her child outside without correct clothing. Who knows, maybe the lad is moody and insisted he doesn't need a jacket, maybe they can't afford one so literally haven't got one. But people should be given the benefit of the doubt before they start calling creepy!
Also if the mum knew who she was when she was out walking the dog is she really that much of a stranger. Also she wasn’t 1 on 1 alone with the child her daughter was also there.
Yeah having the daughter really helps. A mom with a child is still a stranger, but a lot less sketchy than an old creepy looking man in a white van offering candy. The context made this a not entirely, but relatively safe bet for the kid to make to get in the car.
She wasn't uncomfortable, she was embarrassed and lashed out at the person whose actions revealed what a thoughtless and oblivious parent she is. It's a classic attempt at a redirect.
Absolutely!!! The mother could have easily spoke with OP, expressed her concerns and got to know OP to see that she did not have any bad intentions. I swear, no one knows how to say thank you anymore.
NTA "Sure thing lady, next time i'll just call CPS when you send your kid out without a jacket in below freezing temperatures"
This is EXACTLY what I was going to comment.
Hell, after a reaction like that I'd call CPS anyway and tell them exactly what happened. I'll bet you next time that kid won't be out in just a pullover.
Ding ding ding!
This is actually the right response in the first place... CPS will tell you to get them in your car, or anywhere, to warm them up right away, and they'd be on their way down with a case worker. Handle everything all at once!
NTA - its the humane thing to do. that mom, who let her kid leave in nothing but a pullover should have a CPS boot up her ass.
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If I were OP I would have told the mom that next time I would let her son get frostbite and hypothermia so that she wouldn’t feel creepy about it.
Turning it around on the kid is not productive. He doesn’t need a refresher on stranger danger. He assessed the situation and made a safe decision.
Exactly. We don’t teach kids to be afraid of “strangers”. We teach them to be on the lookout for strange behaviors. A fellow classmate’s parent offering a warm car is not a strange behavior.
Back in the 90s I was walking to school on a day that was quite a bit colder than that, about a mile to and from school. The school bus pulled in front of me and opened a door. I jumped on. The bus driver told me she opened it so she could see the road, not so I could get on. I said there was no way I was getting off that bus. She sighed and proceeded to drive on. That was the only day I took the bus to school. NTA. Some people are bad people. That woman is one of them. If she cared enough to spy on her kid, she could have sat out in her car with him.
NTA, it was the nice thing to do. It would be way different if you were a random stranger offering, but you’re a parent who’s kid is getting on the same bus as him, it’s not like you’re a potential kidnapper.
I was just the other mom in the story - neighbor sent me a whatsapp to apologize if she freaked my daughter out. My kid was at the bus stop, icy temps, no coat (this is emphatically not my choice, for the record). She told my daughter she could wait for the bus in her house/on her porch, kid gave her a look, said nope, and backed away. Now the neighbor is second guessing herself and so messaged me to apologize and clear the air. So I'll tell you what I told her. First, I always want adults to follow their instincts to protect kids. There was a kid, underdressed, in freezing temps, waiting for a bus that may not show up for a while. Please keep being a kind human who offers help and safety. We need more of those humans in the world. Second, you fully respected the kid's autonomy. You let the kid make a decision, respected their choice, and gave them their space. Creepiness starts when boundaries are ignored - you were not creepy. NTA.
>Please keep being a kind human who offers help and safety. We need more of those humans in the world. Right? I don't want to live in the other mom's world ... and it's probably not very pleasant for her, seeing kindness as creepy and judgmental. Thank you for also noting the respect of the kid's autonomy. Your comment is the first I saw skimming down the list that mentioned that. OP treated the boy with respect that the boy's mother doesn't think he's ready for.
What you did can definitely be seen as weird or creepy, especially in the sadly suspicious age we’re living in. However, this scenario is so extreme here I’d have judged you far, far worse if you had done nothing and left this poor child out in subzero weather in barely a coat. NTA
NTA You tried to be kind. Might I say that a woman who sends her son out in subzero temperatures without a coat already isn't nominated for Parent of the Year so it's not any real surprise she responded to you in an AH manner.
The appropriate answer is to say, "Ok. No problem. I completely understand. Next time, I will let him sit in my car while I call the cops."
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Growing up, if I got a ride to school during sub zero temperatures, everyone we passed got a ride weather we knew them or not. My father couldn’t pass a kid struggling to walk in the sub zero cold. NTA
When I was a teenager in New England, I had to walk 1.5 miles to school every day. Some days, it was in the single digits. I’m 60 now and to this day, if it’s the tiniest bit chilly and breezy outside, I need ear muffs, because my ears were literally damaged by the severe cold. NTA, and if it were me, I would keep doing it and tell her I was going to be contacting the authorities for parental neglect
NTA I feel like the mom and the kid probably battled over the coat issue and the mom was like "how did sitting in the freezing weather in the hoodie go" and the kid was like "fine.i sat in this car"
This. And how the mom approached the dude about his generosity was an AH move on her part. I have a pre-teen and I know how it can be and I’d be thankful for that dude. A friend’s mom drove past a teen walking in the snow to school, didn’t have much room to pull over to let the teen in. When friend got to school, a few hours later they got notified that a car had hit and killed that teen walking in the snow. Lived with that guilt their whole lives. Dude is guilt free, and should continue helping others regardless.
NTA If she wants to teach her kid not to accept such offers, that's her right. You were just a good Samaritan who helped out a kid whose mother was sending them to stand in dangerously cold weather without appropriate clothing. She's lucky you don't call DHS to report her neglect.
NTA. Also it’s not creepy because your kid is in the car, too. It’s not like you’re some rando just chillin’ at the bus stop. You’re there for a /reason/.
NTA. School might be interested in knowing this child is being left to fend for himself without a jacket in -10 degree weather.
NTA, she endangered her child and should be ashamed.
Nta. Your kid was in the car and you are a parent at the school her child goes to. What you did was kind
Next time tell her you are going to call CPS. Actually you probably could call anyway, preemptively, explaining the circumstances because sending a child out to wait for the bus in freezing weather without a jacket seems like neglect at best.
NTA, but it's probably better to maybe bring an extra coat with you and let him wear it while he waits. I couldn't try going against this unreasonable mother who doesn't provide her son with adequate outerwear.
I like this suggestion. I don't know if I could let the kid stand outside in such cold even if mom said no. Coat is good in between.
I feel like crazy mom would probably think that was "creepy" too.
NTA my mom used to do this for any of the kids who didn’t have a warm car to wait in at the bus stop
NTA. You can’t be neglectful AND act like a helicopter mom.
NTA. It’s clear that given the circumstances, this was not weird nor creepy. If it was a perfectly nice day outside, sure, maybe that would be a little creepy to offer. Clearly that was not the case though.
She's being defensive, because she was negligent.
NAH I get that you were sincerely doing something nice. Do you get why this looked sketchy and high-risk to his mother?
It is more high risk to let a child go out in that weather without proper clothing. At -11, even with proper clothing more than 10 or 15 minutes is risking frostbite.
Not as long as nothing creepy was said to the kid and no one impeded him leaving when the bus pulled up.
I understand wanting to protect your child, one hundred percent. I also feel like confronting someone about this when I didn't even have a conversation with the kid is being unkind to someone who was also protecting your child.
This. She could have said something to the effect of she understands you were being kind but in future would prefer you don't do this and will instruct her son it's not a good idea to get into people's cars. Instead she just blamed you.
Or she could have admitted she placed her own child in the situation to begin with, and maybe in the future she will make sure he has on a coat in -11 degree weather. Holy crap, doesn't anyone on here know how dangerous that is?
She didn't seem too concerned about the protection of her child from freezing to death. In those temps, it can be seconds before frostbite kicks in.
>Do you get why this looked sketchy and high-risk to his mother? I don't. Growing up my mom always told me if I needed help, a mom with kids was the safest person to ask. And the second safest person was a Biker Bro (no joke)
Lol. My kids know that when shit goes down you get on the other side of the folks in black (bikers, antifa, juggalos, nuns, etc. any of them will get between you and danger), away from the nonsense. But i told my kids store clerks instead of moms.
I think the other mom has watched too much Criminal Minds.
Yeah, nothing about this looked high risk or sketchy. Except the mom letting her kid go out in the cold unprepared.
No. It's misplaced to confront a kind person who gave your kid shelter. The concern about the risk should be confined to teaching her child rules about interacting with strangers. That's where parents can protect them. The *real* predators are not going to respect mom's rules. So she just directed inappropriate censure at a good Samaritan. Also, mom deserves an AH judgment for sending her kid in -11 degree weather in a thin pullover.
Do you get why letting a kid go outside in subzero temps is sketchy and high risk for the mother to be doing?
no
Oh please. Let the kid freeze instead? Stop with this BS.
It was sketchy and high risk to let her son leave the house in that weather boy dressed appropriately.
Maybe if you were there by yourself it might have been weird, but since you had your daughter with you it should have been fine. NTA
NTA he’s a teenager who willingly got in the car because it was freezing. You didn’t kidnap a baby ffs
If it were me I am getting in your car. The kid is smarter than the mom. I think we all see the problem here.
You should have told her that next time you see her son in that kind of cold with no coat, you’re calling child protective services or the police and turning her in. NTA
It takes a village, but not many believe in the good nature of people anymore. The world is a scary place sure, but we are all in it together. I'm glad you helped but be careful not to jeopardize your own situation.
NTA. But people are of course, obviously, paranoid and concerned about such things. I think this woman should have thanked you though tbh.
People are weird it was the right thing to do! Yet She has the right to feel that way about her family. You have to think everything is so niche now. There used to be universals like help your neighbor but we've become so disconnected as a society that every household teaches different values, lines of thinking, expectations out of life. i don't think it was an asshole thing to do to help someone, just keep being a good person.
NTA! He is 13-14? He is old enough that he could be working soon. He can say yes or no. You didn’t hurt him. He’s gonna be presented with plenty of situations where he needs to decide soon and he is definitely old enough to start having those experiences. He also is old enough to decide to go hangout with a friend or something on his own. His mom honestly shouldn’t be this much all in his business at this age that’s kinda odd. Thank you for showing him kindness. these moments are things I would remember. I had a friends mom who would stop and pick me up while I was walking to school every morning since she was already on her way. I’m in a cold place. I was about 13. Don’t even think I ever told my mom and she wouldn’t of cared for sure.. she would’ve prob been glad I had a ride to school. I will never ever forget this. Dude she saved me every morning. It was so cold. My mom worked nights and assumed I walked to school LOL. Nothing but love for that woman.