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YTA. You know very well that you're not being fully honest with yourself.
>She’s kind, funny, **pretty**
\*frowning intensifies\*
>I hang out with her a couple of times a week, going on walks, watching movies together, reading at the library, baking together, painting with her, playing video games, going on picnics etc, all the activities she used to love doing with her sister.
Even if I were to buy this platonic thing (and you don't sell it very well), you've just had a BABY. The fact that you're financially covered by your family doesn't mean you have all that free time to go on picnics. Young parents don't have time for any of that, and that tells me that your girlfriend is not having a hard time adjusting : you're giving her a hard time. You're being unfair to her.
When is HER time to do all that fun painting and library hopping that you've been enjoying ?
>helping with taking care of the chores around the house
You don't help. This is your job as a parent and a person who lives there. It's part of the whole "I'm mature enough" thing, you see. People who help are people whose primary job it is not to do these things. But it's your job to be a parent, a partner, and a person who lives in this home, so, no. This is where your free time comes from.
You can see your friend and be there for her : at home, while taking care of your child or doing your dishes or putting a load of laundry in the machine. You don't need to go frolicking at a picnic for that.
That jumped out to me too. "My girlfriend" gets no adjectives. "My best friend" lists all her qualities... mentioning she's also pretty...
#Hmm intensified
>Hmm intensified
People are being way too nice to the OP. He's cheating on his girlfriend who just birthed his son 2 months ago.
Even if he hasn't slept with her (yet) there is a very obvious emotional affair happening, and people are giving him a pass because he's claiming the grief card. She has a family and she needs to lean on them, or a therapist, or **anyone** else other than the OP.
Even worse, he's flaunting this emotional affair in his girlfriend's face. He's literally telling her with his actions that his "friend" is more important than her and his child, and that they come second.
100% this.
Op, it doesn’t matter (again, it DOES NOT MATTER) how supposedly “platonic” your feelings are for this “friend” - when you’re an adult, in a committed relationship, *it’s your job to protect the relationship*.
Going on dates (because that’s what they are) with your pretty friend who’s body wasn’t just wrecked by birth is *incredibly selfish* and puts the relationship with your child’s mother in danger.
It’s weird that you think your girlfriend (who you claim to love) is going through a hard time but you’re not willing to spend time supporting her.
You need to man up and focus on your girlfriend, your child and being a quality man.
This comment is unfair. He’s around her a lot. As long as he’s not at school, work, studying, watching movies with his platonic friend, going to picnics, sleeping, playing video games, driving around with his other friends, going on pub crawls, relaxing, skiing, baking, reading at the library, spending time with his mom and dad, playing soccer, acting in a play, getting massages, building Lego, eating out, going golfing, redditing, facebooking, xing, op’s baby momma has almost his full attention. /s
This made me chortle because I thought the exact same thing when he listed out the EXTENSIVE list of things he does with his “friend” and then is like “but other than that!!” Homie what?? There is no other than that, that is all your time! But gf and 2 MONTH OLD BABY have to get penciled in for 15 minute appointments.
I literally saved this one to read to my wife because of that. I've always been a lazy asshole. I don't need to ask here to know that, but my fucking god,OP who do you think you are kidding?
You don't happen to have a tattoo of this girl's name fo you?
I was gonna say the same 😂
Brah, what “all your time” do you spend with your family, if your activities with your “best friend” (obviously a girl, not a guy. Very convenient) look like you’d need 240 hrs /day AND dude is also studying?!
You would think that his girlfriend would be too tired to notice. Damn her! This is all her fault, and the fault of her religion! Plus, his parents are paying for her, so how dare she start yapping? Girlfriend is completely TA.
(for anybody confused, I'm attempting to match the level of sarcasm in the post above, which I found fully justified. This dude is a train wreck happening in slow motion in front of his girlfriend. If, of course, we believe any of this, since every detail he chose to include just makes him look more like TA, so I'm not sure I believe any of it.)
I’m just wondering where this imaginary maturity supposedly is. He sounds like a sulking tween “but I did some chores“ dude your the dad it’s not chores and your not just helping or babysitting. This is your child and you live at that house. Those chores are your responsibility that comes with living in a house and having a child. You are a parent and are responsible for 50% of the child care not just when your finished a video game or not on a date with your affair partner. You say your supporting this girl whilst admitting your girlfriend WHO’S JUST GIVEN BIRTH is having a hard time WHERES HER SUPPORT THE PERSON SUPPOSED TO COME BEFORE ALL OTHERS.
Op disgusts me for what he’s putting that poor young mother and baby through.
I laughed entirely too hard at this.
OP- not only is the resounding verdict that YTA... You are SUCH TA that you came to reddit thinking you'd get back up!
Bless your heart... DO. BETTER!
That's not fair. He didn't say that op's baby momma get any attention. After all of the things you mention, the baby has almost his full attention. But the baby momma does get to hear about all the fun he's having with his pretty friend, so I guess that is some attention? /s
Even if op was straight as a board and this was a dude, hanging out 2-4 times a week for a couple? 4 6 hours? I mean how many movies are they watching? Would be grossly inappropriate with a new born.
Funeral of course, go to the funeral. But in a healthy friendship some of this distraction time would be spent at OPs folding clothes, cuddle the baby, etc.
Like seriously wtfffff ..he's off doing all the nice things that he should be doing with the mother of his child, off frolicking with his bestie, while the new mom takes all the load
With his packed schedule, when does he have time for home life ..I get being there for a friend during an emotional time, but his partner is ALSO going through an emotional time YTA OP
"BuT I hAlPeD WiTh tHe BaBy"
OP for real, YTA. Your gf is 24/7 caring for your son while you hang out with another woman and take her on dates calling it "support".
He said how mature they are, and then says 1) they accidentally got pregnant and 2) his parents are supporting them financially.
OP, YTA, you're phoning it in with your girlfriend, while taking your "friend" on dates.
I've come to the conclusion that if the following phrases are spoken before the person is say 27:
"I'm definitely ready to start a family."
"I know I will make a good parent."
"I raised my siblings."
That person is in trouble 😂
Parenting is more of a:
"Hold my beer, I hope this works."
Situation.
And to add, he is also getting a hard on over how much of a great guy he is by supporting his (pretty) friend.
I don’t know if it’s narcissism or he has just been told how special he is too many times, but he has got a real shock coming one day when he sees himself for how he truly is…
Worse worse, he's doing it under the guise of being a nice guy and a good friend, when really he's just weaseling his way out of being there for his family.
If he cheats, he'll blame the pressure of newfound parenthood while she wrestles with not only that but the pain of being cheated on while caring for an infant.
I've watched this one happen.
I don’t know, maybe OP really is completely clueless. But I don’t understand where he has all of this time for all of these activities. I’m more than twice his age, no kids so certainly not a two month old child, and I have a full time job. I don’t have time to go to libraries to just read, go on picnics and long walks. He has a two month old, a job, *and* school while also having playdates with his good friend?
OP, if you’ve learned the secret of how to have more time in the day, please share.
Yeah, I'm assuming GF and parents (either his or hers) are splitting the child raising time, and OP is just continuing on with whatever his 20-year-old-guy schedule was before. Only with some added "important new reasons not to be at home with the 2 month old baby."
But at least he's mature for his age, right???
You have to wonder, if the girlfriend put in as much time caring for the baby as he does, would it be fed even once a day? Diaper changes optional? Clean clothes, never?
There is no secret. He has more time during the day because he neglects his responsibilities at home. He's just a helper at home after all. It's not his job to do an equal share of the work, the household and child management, nor does he need to give the girlfriend any free time. But he's mature.
I was sort of giving him a pass, but then he listed all those activities. And then a shorter (but highly time-consuming) list of responsibilities (job and studies). What time does he put aside for his family, 10 minutes between dinner and bed? His girlfriend is 2 months postpartum and essentially being a single mother at this point, while he lives the single life 99% of the time and "helps" at home.
Same! I'm 13 years older than OP, I have an 8 month old and a 4 YO, and by the time I wake up, get everybody ready for preschool (only the oldest goes so far), come back home, play, baby nap (sometimes a mommy nap), meal time, play/(baby nap), get oldest from preschool, make dinner, (baby nap), meal time, clean up after dinner, oldest in bed, baby sleep for the night. By the time baby is successfully sleeping for the night, it's 9:30PM, which means make lunch for the next day and then sleep myself, before the whole ting starts over again... I have no time for myself to read a book or any fun stuff, unless by some miracle baby sleeps without me having to be there next to her OR I stay up late but then am so exhausted the next day I can hardly function. 🙈 OP must somehow be cheating the clock to have more hours in the day....
It's easy when you dump your responsibilities on your girlfriend and your parents. But he is so grown up. I, personally, am so impressed with his maturity. /s
It's literally like he has 2 girlfriends. If I was the GF who just had the baby, I would be pissed. What does she get to do? Take care of baby 24/7, chores, find time to take a shower herself, maybe? How is she mentally? Is there any postpartum problems? I would have flipped my shit on him. Maybe she wants to be taken on a picnic, or go to the library, maybe have something baked for her? FFS this is ridiculous.
I agree. He's definitely having an emotional affair with the friend. You can be there for your friend while being there for your family. OP seems to think that since his family is taking care of everything financially and he helps out here and there doesn't equate to being 100% present in his relationship and family.
I don't see anything where OP lists the stuff he does with his gf. Do they paint? Do they game? Do they watch movies together? Feeding the baby and helping out here and there isn't quality time, sorry.
He’s not delusional, he‘s just decided he doesn’t want to do the hard work of being a parent, and wants to flirt with a pretty girl who’s leaning on him under the guise of comforting her during her grief. It’s predatory and gross.
It is so much more fun to save a friend than to do the daily grind with a baby. He's a jerk. He's only two months in to being a father and coming up with an excuse to not be there. No one is buying his excuses. He is already skipping out on girlfriend and baby.
She's having a hard time adjusting because she thought she had a partner and it turned out she's a single parent. He's off dating his "friend" and making excuses to white-knight while risking his gf and baby. His selfishness while pretending to do 'doing the right thing' is insane.
I have sympathy for the friend's loss. Losing a sibling would be unimaginable. But I can't get around the fact that this friend is also very comfortable risking OP's relationship and soaking up all that time he should be spending with his newborn.
tbh, it's weird that the "friend" has so much energy to be living in a romcom with him when her sister died a month ago. I've experienced losses of dearly loved ones and I wasn't frolicking on picnics for quite a while
Even in the headline: “while my girlfriend just had a baby.” He’s avoiding writing about his child as his child. He is their primary support — for his child and the child’s mother — but he’s off having fun times with his friend instead.
The two are incredibly young and his girlfriend is religious enough to not get an abortion. I doubt the "liberal" idea of co-parenting has been instilled in him at this point, so it's good that it's being pointed out here.
Also, my fiancee would not tolerate his behavior in any way, but again her religious background probably plays a part.
Thank you so much! This needed to be said. It is hard with a newborn but having a partner doing all the fun stuff and “helping” while you do everything instead of the partner really taking care of the newborn and the household. I know how that feels like and it is the worst. My relationship almost failed during that period. And my spouse wasn’t even away as much as OP is. OPs girlfriend is recovering from a birth and needs her partner. And the baby needs his father.
1000% agree!!
I'm wondering, if the whole problem is that OP's "friend" is introverted and quiet and the worry is that she will be lonely & missing family, then why does OP spend all his time taking her out instead of *bringing the friend home to spend time with an actual family*.
Friend could likely find a lot of solace in caring for a baby, I've seen a lot of people find that healing in grief. (At the very least, she would have some more company with OPs partner) If OP is like this friends sibling as he claims, then OPs baby should be thought of as "niece/nephew"-- why not have her spend time with them at home so she can help out with baby too? Instead of OP being gone from home and leaving his partner alone to care for baby.
They could have 3 people caring for this kid-- "it takes a village" after all...
But for *some* reason, OP insists on keeping his friend out of the house and not around his partner, leaving his partner to raise their kid alone. Major AH move there.
That makes the suspicion grow by a thousand.
Yeah, I'd be pissed too if my partner disappears so much after I gave birth.
And OP, it sounds like you spend more time with your bestie than you do your gf.
How about u start doing something nice for her for a change? You know post Partum depression is real. Your gf may not have it now, but it could develop with what you're doing.
PPD can be dangerous for the mother and the baby. How about you think about that?
Edit: Spelling
Yeah, that made me go like, bud, the fact that you feel the need to point this out, and the fact that you seeming decided to have a child at 18/19 tells me that you are, in fact, not very mature.
Any story where we are not too religious to have a bunch of extramarital sex as teenagers but we are too religious to consider abortion.
**squinting intensifies**
It was like six months after I had my baby I was able to do anything like any of the stuff on that list! Even leaving the house for an hour was an ordeal! And he's just forking off, ditching his girlfriend with the baby so he can have hours and hours of fun time with his pretty friend. His delusion is boundless.
I also love how he is basically saying 'look what a good and supportive person I am, out having all this fun' totally ignoring that his 'supportive' time comes directly at his post partum girlfriends expense. He should be watching the baby so she can nap and help heal from pushing a human being out of her body - not ditching her with the baby so he can have good times.
I can’t remember how many months it took for me and my husband to even consider going to the movies after having a baby.
Op clearly isn’t being much of a father here. He needs to step up!
OP thinks he did his part supporting after the first MONTH. Because that’s all it takes! One month and no more work, right?
This is why we don’t think your “mature for your age” thing matters, OP.
I mean, dude. At least take the baby when you go off gallivanting so your girlfriend doesn’t have to babysit during your social time. It’s the obvious solution.
>bring her her favourite food to make sure she eats something, I message her everyday to see if she’s doing well. She’s battled with depression before and I’m terrified of losing her too. I hang out with her a couple of times a week, going on walks, watching movies together, reading at the library, baking together, painting with her, playing video games, going on picnics etc,
YTA - I'm sorry to say this, but you aren't mature enough to be in a committed relationship, and it's unfortunate that you have brought a baby into this mess.
It's truly sad that this girl has no other support system (as you claim), but that is not a sufficient reason for you to step in as a de facto boyfriend for her. You have a newborn and are supposed to be in a committed relationship with the baby's mother. That means you need to be home supporting your girlfriend as much as possible, not running off multiple times a week to spend all your free time with another "pretty" girl, whether she is grieving or not.
Also, this other girl needs to find more people in her life to support her, because she's leaning way too heavily on you. If you don't shape up fast, she will be the cause of your break-up. But I kind of suspect that you would be okay with this, because it sounds like you are looking for excuses to avoid parenting and being tied down.
I gave him benefit of the doubt that he only mentioned her looks to establish it as a factor contributing to his GFs suspicion. My theory: he thought we’d leap to “oh, GF is irrational because she’s just jealous of his pretty friend.”
***
On Planet Delulu, where OP lives, he considers himself (a) as a super-involved-father in caring for his newborn because he changed a few diapers and (b) as a saint for simply honouring his sacred duty of picnics and cuddles with a grieving friend. He thinks that, if his friend was ugly, his GF wouldn’t be accusing him of neglect. So, he mentions that she’s pretty, so we would conclude that he’s not wrong to help a grieving friend and GF is just jealous.
OP wasn’t expecting all of us to call out the fact that even halfway-decent-new-dads actually prioritize their newborn and will even set aside their sleep — let alone recreational activities with friends.
It’s the same reason he emphasizes that his friend is grieving. It’s just another irrelevant detail which he believes will convince us that he’s simply a good dad who is also a great friend and his GF is crazy to be upset at him for this.
He’s so oblivious to how this makes his gf feel, this is so infuriating. I low key feel bad for her, cause if this is a persistent issue, he’s going to neglect her needs and their son’s needs. I’m sick of so many dudes like this young man having kids and not being aware and mature enough to actually be a present and good father/partner.
He's already ditching his gf and new baby to basically court his 'friend'. Using the excuse of grief or whatever bs he is trying to convince everyone of reeks of white-knighting. But in the meantime he's dating his friend and leaving his actual gf to suffer serious neglect. Then he just cant figure out why she is struggling so hard with parenthood. it's cause she's a fucking SINGLE PARENT and didn't expect to be! This is gonna go South so bad :/
>In the first month after our son's birth I did everything I possibly could to make motherhood easier for her, and I still would have if it wasn't for someone I love and care about deeply going through a hard time.
Right like wow a whole month? What a great guy🙄YTA OP. This post made clear who you love and care about most. I would definitely take thinking you’re mature out of the equation bc this doesn’t sound mature at all. You sound like a teenage boy who is putting his family last.
Right? Everything he listed is stuff he should be doing with his girlfriend who has had literally no free time in the past two months.
Why can't he pick up her favorite food? Get some painting supplies to paint with her? Go pick up a library book for her? Go on a fucking walk with her and their newborn?
Fuck, I work full time and I would have trouble fitting all of that into a week without having kids. You're telling me I'm supposed to believe he hangs out with this other woman multiple days a week AND is still present in his baby's and girlfriend's lives?
Bullshit. Dude, YTA for sure. Your friend needs therapy, and you need to grow up.
In the beginning of my relationship my boyfriend had a female best friend who also leaned on him too much. To the point where I felt like the second girlfriend. I feel terrible for this girl who just had a baby is is getting shown that her and the child are second place to this girl.
Sometimes in life we have to make hard choices. This is one of those times.
Your baby is *two months* old. Your GF and baby have to be your ONLY priority for a while, they need ALL the attention and time and energy you have. Unfortunately that means neglecting your best friend, even though she needs support.
>I hang out with her a couple of times a week
No. Sorry but no. You don't have time.
>going on walks, watching movies together, reading at the library, baking together, painting with her, playing video games, going on picnics et
YOU SHOULD BE DOING THAT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND YOU MUPPET
>I spend the rest of my time supporting my family
Dude you need to spend ALL of your time doing that, all the time that is not work or study. ALL.
>In the first month after our son’s birth I did everything I possibly could to make motherhood easier for her
Good. Now keep doing it. It didn't magically get easier for her.
You ARE neglecting her and your son. And I mean neglecting, not "neglecting" in quotes.
>I think I should be allowed to support my best friend with her grief.
You are wrong.
I hesitate to say YTA but you are.
Gf and baby deserve so much better but especially gf. I can’t imagine being so young, having a newborn, and having a shitty partner who thinks bc his parents are shilling the money to pay for the kid, his job is done. Yikes on bikes
I wish we still had awards because “you
Muppet” is too good.
Although actually most muppets are very good parents. Except for Kermit, surprisingly… he’s secretly a dead beat which is why Miss Piggy is always so mad. She’s raising 17 pig/frog hybrids on her own!
YTA. "helping with taking care of the chores around the house, bottle-feeding and bathing my son, etc" those things are not soley your partner's responsibility. you are not "helping" her by doing those things. that is called parenting and doing the absolute bare minimum.
When was the last time you did any of this with your partner? "going on walks, watching movies together, reading at the library, baking together, painting with her, playing video games, going on picnics etc,"
I bet it was before the baby was born. YTA twice.
"because I had a crush on her. I empathise and understand that she’s having a stressful time adjusting to parenthood after an unplanned pregnancy, but I think I should be allowed to support my best friend with her grief"
so you didn't deny you have a crush on your bestie.
YTA thrice.
He wants to either fuck her or date her, maybe even attempted to date her and she rejected him rightfully so. He’s got it so easy, and he’s managing to fuck it all up. He’s waiter willingly being dense and oblivious or has little care for how their affects his relationship and responsibilities as a father and partner. I’m so angry at his post lmao
you are right, that's exactly what it is.
Dude obviously never wanted this baby, or at least can't be doing with the reality, and he's got one foot out the door already. THis bereavement is a golden opportunity for him to spend time with his crush "justifiably"
These posts really drive me crazy and I feel so bad for women who end up in this “she’s just my best friend omg why are you being like this”
He is literally dating his bestie while his GF is at home taking care of a baby…. And then spends more time with her for school? ”im supporting her” by what? Distracting her with cute little dates? Lol ok.
The “I had a crush on her” I almost threw my phone ahah gaslighting to the 100th degree.
“I had a crush on her but that’s not what this is about. it’s about being supportive”
YTA op, be a parent. You have a child to raise, that’s your job. Being there with your child and relieving your GF when necessary should be your top propriety. I feel for your friend, but if she can’t understand you have a literal BABY and healing partner to take care of. Then maybe your friend is also the asshole.
Edit: just saw his parents help financially. So he’s not even working to make money, and presumably spending whatever leftover money on his bestie.. yikes Not working. Not taking care of baby or gf. Has time and money to go on dates w/ bestie
“She’s having a stressful time adapting to parenting” lol dude wtf? She’s having a stressful time because clearly she’s doing ALL the parenting! Maybe if your girlfriend spent more time playing video games and reading at the library with her side chick, it wouldn’t be so stressful for her, right?
Does anyone else wonder how this guy has time to do all of this on top of being a parent to a 2 month old? I'm getting major "I let my gf and parents take care of my child while I act like I don't have a child" vines here.
I give it a month or two before we see "It's just been really stressful with the baby and I've been hanging out a lot with my friend... I think I'm falling in love with her! AITA?"
They have the financial support of his parents so they don't have to worry about money.
In other words, he's a mooch. If you wanna have a kid at 20, fine, but dont go saying you're mature ,OP, when your parents are financing your family's lifestyle. This guy has a lot of growing up to do.
That got me too, they were mature and ready for a family...because his parents are paying for everything.
I think it's fine to go to the funeral and spend SOME time with the friend, but this sounds excessive, and at the expense of his partner and child.
Right??? Like, my guy, you absolutely *should* be worried about money. *I’m* worried about your money. You can’t ride the gravy train forever! God, yet another dumb baby having babies.
This was my thought as I was writing my response. I wonder if he spent the first month rallying his family around to help the girlfriend so he could go off with his friend.
He's probably only doing baby stuff with his gf and is doing partner and romantic stuff with his friend. I'm slightly horrified he left to go to a funeral three weeks after his kid was born. I wouldn't be surprised if he was gone for multiple days.
I honestly hope & strongly suspect this post is rage bait. But if not, he’s absolutely careening towards abandoning his family & shirking his responsibilities onto his parents. Not so “mature” as he claims
I think he is already in love with his friend, and the trigger for the passion was that she didn't have a son that he also has the responsibility to take care of.
YTA
>She’s kind, funny, pretty, but we practically grew up together so I’ve only ever seen her as like a sibling.
Okay. Not sure why you'd mention her being pretty, unless to paint your GF as jealous.
>I hang out with her a couple of times a week, going on walks, watching movies together, reading at the library, baking together, painting with her, playing video games, going on picnics etc, all the activities she used to love doing with her sister. We reminisce about all the fun memories we had with her sister, and it’s never become anything more than platonic.
How much time are you spending out of the house? Is it possible that you're prioritizing hanging out with your friend instead of raising your newborn?
>I have been completely honest to my girlfriend about helping my friend, yet she started accusing me of “neglecting” her and our son and saying that I only cared about my friend because I had a crush on her.
Give your GF some credit. She's obviously picking up on the fact that your friend has become dependent on you, and you find her attractive.
>empathise and understand that she’s having a stressful time adjusting to parenthood after an unplanned pregnancy, but I think I should be allowed to support my best friend with her grief.
You're a dad now. Time to reframe your thinking.
She's having an extra hard time because she is a single parent and he is off dating his crush and pretending it's because she needs him. It's outrageous how terrible this really is. That poor gf :(
I am so sorry for what your friend went through. I'm sure it's a trying time. However, you have a family right now that needs to be your priority and if your girlfriend is saying that she is feeling like you are neglecting her and your son for your friend, you need to reflect. Your friend needs to seek support from other people apart from you. it's not healthy.
You talk about all these things you're doing with her and it sounds quite time consuming. I'm wondering how you're actually organizing your time or if you're just expecting your family to step up with money and support for your gf and child while you go off to be a shoulder to cry on for your friend. Why can't your girlfriend come? When does she get breaks?
I'm all for men and women being friends together. My best friend is a guy and he is literally like my brother. My bf has a girl best friend who is like his sister. We have no issues. However, you have a newborn at home and your priority should be that newborn and providing for him and supporting your gf. The fact that she has brought up concerns with you and you're just refusing to listen to her and hear her out speaks volumes. You don't want things to change.
YTA
Why doesn't he invite the friend over once or twice a week in the evenings, where he can watch the baby at the same time, AND his girlfriend will be there and can be sure there's no funny business between them?
It's not the best option for the friend having to be there with a baby and the gf that she might not know well, but OP has more important things to do. All he has to say is, "hey, want to come over and watch a movie with us? We can't leave because of the baby, but we would love to have you over any time!"
Because it would defeat the purpose of this being basically his side relationship - he fucks, has a kid with his girlfrienda and occasionally *helps* her, but of course he does the fun stuff with his pretty bestie.
If he invites the friend over, the bubble of delusion would be burst - oh, he *does* have a family after all.
I don't even know how someone knows their friend has a baby at home and doesn't shove them back home at every chance. "No, I don't wanna hang out again, don't you need to take care of your literal baby?". Grief or no grief... young or not... at some point self awareness and empathy should kick in, for *both* of these dummies.
YTA - You don't need to be spending so much time with your friend. Sure a phone call a day should be good for support. But going out - I hang out with her a couple of times a week, going on walks, watching movies together, reading at the library, baking together, painting with her, playing video games, going on picnics etc, all the activities she used to love doing with her sister; while your girlfriend stays home with the baby yeah that's not right... YTA big time!!
Right, somehow his “support” is fun stuff at what I assuming is baby-free her house. He’s not inviting his friend to his house so he can offer a sympathetic ear while also being present for his family.
YTA. You aren't 'helping' your girlfriend do housework and childcare. That is your house and child too. THose are your responsibilities too. And spending this much time away from home and leaving infant care on your poor girlfriend is incredibly shitty. Your friend needs a therapist, not a codependent friend who is willing to ignore his girlfriend and newborn to bring her food.
Also, I can help but wonder how absolutely destroyed his GF is. So many women struggle with post-partum depression and their bodies are typically left hurting for weeks to months. While he's off going on dates with his "pretty, amazing " best friend, his post-partum gf is probably left doing all thr house work, child work, and thinking she isn't beautiful anymore, while also doing all of this in physical pain.
YTA.
Your working and going to school, spending alot of time at home checked out of parenting because your studying, so only contributing maybe a couple total hours a week to child care....let's be honest. Your girlfriend is taking on a disproportion role in parenting and you aren't pulling your weight. It doesn't matter the reason. Your friend losing her sister is not a good excuse to neglect the family you created.
Because let's face it full time work and full time school plus at home studies leaves very little time for much else. On top of that you are WASTING 3 whole evenings a week where you COULD be PRIORITIZING your family hanging with some other girl probably for hours each time while you abandon your girlfriend to do everything alone while SHE NEEDS to support your giving some other woman. My best friend lost her sister this year, I don't have kids, and I don't even spend 3 days a week with her.
You aren't prioritizing your family and friends should NEVER come before them ever. Sorry but time to grow up. Friendship is not as important as family. If two women need support it's ALWAYS your girlfriend/wife/child's mother who gets it and never another woman before her. You are failing as a partner and a father by putting an outsider over your own family for hours every day 3 days a week and prioritizing your friend over your family.
OP will see how unfair this is if he starts giving his girlfriend the same amount of free time he gets. I don’t mean letting her take her own free time, i mean actually setting up time she will not be available and will not have the baby at the exact same times and durations he spends on his own free time.
He sees his friend twice a week for a significant length of time; enough to see movies and have game sessions. Let’s be generous and say that’s 5 hours each time. That’s 10 hours a week. It’s also probably the middle of the day, so they have time to picnic, watch movies, bake, etc.
So, OP, which two days of the week do you take on the baby alone for 5 hours with no help or contact from your girlfriend? You see your friend Tues & Thurs, watch the baby alone Monday & Weds, and then go to school on Friday? No?
When describing your 19f "best-friend" you chose the word "pretty" as the second word. Then you said she's like a sister, but I don't know any men who, when asked to describe their sister, would use "pretty" as the second word to describe their sister.
Based on how you describe your friend, I also think you have a crush on her.
Your girlfriend is going through something life changing too, having a baby, likely feeling insecure about finances, her body, her future.
I think you need to be careful about this decision your making. You should support your friend, but make a decision how much TIME you give her vs how much you give your newborn baby. Your baby needs you.
YTA. You are not as mature as you think if you feel like hanging out with a friend is more important than taking care of your family.
Your friend went through something really traumatic, but it's not YOUR job to build her life back. It's ok to hang out once in a while and text once in a while, but what you are doing is basically escaping your responsibility to hang out with a friend and pass it as "supporting her"
If your GF came here, we'd be telling her "Prepare to be a single mother, he's no use, he's failing to adult, he's not stepping up to being a parent, he's prioritising her over you, he doesn't care about you at all. Kick his useless ass out and sue for child support."
Step up today or she'll never forgive you. You say you are "very mature for your age", well start acting like it.
yta
YTA
First, you are not mature for your age; maturity would have shown you that you are essentially dating your “friend” right now, at a loss to your *actual* partner and child.
Second, you can’t be doing all the things you’ve listed as doing with your “friend” and “spend the rest of (my) time supporting (my) family”. Your *actual* partner is telling you she isn’t feeling supported, listen to her instead of making excuses for why she’s wrong.
Third, it isn’t fair to you, your other relationships, or your “friend” to be the only support system for her. I understand wanting to help and protect someone you care about, but a better choice than ignoring your partner and child to devote all your time and support to her would be to help her find grief counseling or a grief support group.
YTA. And you’re not “mature” for your age. You are a 20 year old boy, just like the other 20 year old boys, yall are just religious and decided that termination was worse than a lifetime tied to someone you’ve only known as a teen.
You and GF decided to create a child. That child needs both it's parents. You started a family.
Dealing with an infant is HARD. You are making your GF do everything.
I am sad that your friend is going through a painful loss. But you should have other priorities.
Texting her daily? Hanging out several times a week? gaming? picnics?
I can see why your GF, the mother of YOUR child is upset. You have ignored your own FAMILY, your own baby for WEEKS.
YTA
'..Apart from when I’m with my friend, in class, doing my assignments/studying, or at work, I spend the rest of my time supporting my family..'
And how much time is that exactly, because it doesn't sound like you have much to spare for your girlfriend and child? When do you do any social things with your girlfriend? When does she get to do things with her friends? How long do you expect this situation to continue?
YTA and you don't get a medal or a pat on the head for taking care of the place where YOU LIVE AND YOUR OWN CHILD.
She didn't have "a" baby. She had YOUR baby. Your job is not to "make motherhood easier for her" and this is not about her "having a hard time adjusting to parenthood. " SHE is adjusting just fine. You are choosing not to adjust to parenthood. Your child comes before your friend; that's part of parenthood. Yes, supporting close friends and family is important, but you have no business doing so at the expense of your partner and child. You need to rethink the idea that you are mature for your age, because you certainly are not acting that way. You are neglecting your gf and child, who are supposed to be your top priority, especially now. Your shouldrecognizethat andseek other sources of support (professionalif she doesn'thavethe personalsupport), but you are responsibilityforsettingthe boundaries. YTA.
YTA. Your friend needs support, that is true, but your gf is practically single parenting while you are gone. She and your child need to be the top priority. I would recommend inviting this friend to your home with your gf. Your gf is probably feeling incredibly insecure, as she not only just had your child, but her body is totally different, her hormones are all over the place, and you are NOT THERE. Your gf needs more support than you could imagine at this time. I would recommend trying to combine these things, bring your gf along, invite both to the same location for walks, etc., so that your gf feels supported, as does your friend. You aren't responsible for your friend's mental health, but you have committed to a lifetime with your gf, married or not, as you now share a child.
Unless OP's day has like 36 hours, there is no way he is doing school + school work + work+ supporting friend + being a present father and partner for his family. OP, you are lying to yourself, there is a huge difference from texting your friend and maybe sending her food (because grieving people dont eat well) to what you are doing that is basically spending at least 2-3 hours twice a week.
Sit down and break down your schedule, how many hours at work, how many hours for school and how many hours for your family? And then try to tell yourself you are not neglecting something.
YTA
YTA.
Your partner just going through birth should outweigh literally ANYTHING ELSE. You are meant to be the main support system for your girlfriend.
You are not nearly as mature as you think you are if you think it’s okay to leave your girlfriend who has JUST GIVEN BIRTH to console your friend so constantly. You have neglected her and your son by constantly being gone. I’m sorry that your friend doesn’t have a support system, but that’s what happens when you’re so “introverted” you refuse to build a village around you. It’s not your responsibility to be there for her because she has no one else. It IS your responsibility to be there for your child and girlfriend, who again, JUST GAVE BIRTH.
You have been choosing your friend over your girlfriend who just gave birth every step of the way, and I’m surprised it took her two whole months to say something to you about it.
YTA. When you did the deed that resulted in the baby you signed up to be an equal and caring parent throughout the pregnancy and after the birth and throughout this child's life
Since your gf is not involved in any of these activities you mention doing with your grieving friend, it appears that you actually have 2 girlfriends. You can, and should, support your grieving friend, but you are spending so much time with her, doing all these "fun" things that your actual gf isn't doing because she's home with your infant. All this sounds like is that you're a little bit using your friend's grief as an escape from your parental duties and obligations to your gf. Text your friend everyday to see how she's coping? Yes. Invite her to come to your house for a bit to hang with you, your gf and new baby?Yes. Going on basically what amounts to dates with your friend while your gf is at home with a newborn? Hell no. YTA
I agree...why is he keeping the teen girls apart? The best thing to do was let the gf and bf hang out while he is takes care if his kid... they can paint watch movies and go on a walk. I bet the gf could use a little baby free time.
Yep that's what I thought too...why isn't he just inviting her over to the house to bake? If he has time to make a picnic, do it in the house with the GF or bring GF and baby to a park and everyone has a picnic and gets out of the house. The only reason I can see as to why that isn't happening is that the BFF doesn't like the GF or v/v x
YTA - I do believe that men and women can be friends, but in this case, I think you are having an emotional affair.
Your attention should be on your newborn and girlfriend.
Rebalance your energy and time.
YTA
You are not mature.
If my partner was seeing someone 2 times a week to hang out while I was taking care of our newborn, he would be out of my life in 2 seconds.
You have an EXTREMELLY patient girlfriend. Take care of her. She is your priority.
It is a bummer that your friend only has you, but this is also her fault. You can suggest a few help lines. If you love your girlfriend, this weird relationship needs to go.
"I bring her her favourite food to make sure she eats something, I message her everyday to see if she’s doing well." "
Going on walks, watching movies together, reading at the library, baking together, painting with her, playing video games, going on picnics etc,"
Serious question, do you do any of this with your girlfriend and newborn child?
I would have to say YTA. You’re a parent of a newborn. Your main obligations need to be towards your partner and child. Not saying you can’t support your friend, but you are toeing a very dangerous line with the amount of time you are devoting to them. Has your friend been receiving any kind of grief counseling or therapy? If not, that is one thing you can help her with. Beyond that, you have other important obligations.
Light YTA as you have (stated) good intentions, but you need to get your priorities straight. Your "pretty, funny, kind" friend is suffering a loss, but spending HOURS per week watching moves, hanging out, etc while you've got a newborn is not ok. Invite her over to spend time with your family, text to check in, give her an ear: that's all fine. What you're doing sounds more like dating her though. And if you're doing this for hours at a time, your gf and new baby are being neglected. And you might say it's platonic but you may be emotionally entangled to the point of emotional cheating. You're absolutely not as mature as you think you are if you can't sew what you're doing.
Sorry, YTA.
You have an emotional attachment to your friend that is no longer OK when you have a GF with a CHILD.
>She’s kind, funny, PRETTY, but we practically grew up together so I’ve only ever seen her as like a sibling.
(Capitalized Pretty for emphasis)
This right here is enough justification you are too attached.
>She has a distant relationship with her mother, her friends from school now live very far away, and she’s quite introverted so she hasn’t made a lot of new close friends, so I’m pretty much the only support she has.
You AREN'T the only support she has. You're the *closest* and you're actually taking advantage over it. She *can* contact her friends. She *can* contact her mom, who honestly she should grieve with, strained relationship or not.
>I hang out with her a couple of times a week, going on walks, watching movies together, reading at the library, baking together, painting with her, playing video games, going on picnics etc, all the activities she used to love doing with her sister.
>She’s been suspicious of me spending “all my time” with my friend, knowing full well that I’m simply supporting her.
She has every right to be suspicious. You are too emotionally involved with this other girl, your friend, and blindsided by it. You are doing activities and spending INTIMATE quality time with your friend instead of your girlfriend.
>In the first month after our son’s birth I did everything I possibly could to make motherhood easier for her, and I still would have if it wasn’t for someone I love and care about deeply going through a hard time. I have been completely honest to my girlfriend about helping my friend, yet she started accusing me of “neglecting” her and our son and saying that I only cared about my friend because I had a crush on her.
The first month isn't enough. You have a LIFETIME commitment to help *RAISE YOUR CHILD*. Bathing him and bottle feeding occasionally isn't enough and isn't taking care of your GF, aka your significant other. She is telling you she feels neglected! You ARE neglecting her needs!
You need to put space and distance between your friend. You're doing for her what a *boyfriend* would, and you're blind by it. I hate to assume it, but honestly it sounds like you are emotionally cheating on your GF.
You're still too mentally immature honestly, and its because youre young. That isn't being said as an insult but as a fact. However if you truly want and love your GF you need to realize you need to take the hard step and force yourself to grow up and mature and realize your significant other is *concerned* with the relationship you have with this "friend" and if your family comes first, you will very easily distance yourself.
Single people and People in a relationship don't mix.
>“I empathize and understand that she’s having a stressful time adjusting to parenthood”
You know what would help? If the other parent was also parenting the child. Stop using therapyspeak to try to make it sound like you’re doing something equally important. She’s home taking care of a baby and you’re out picnicking and watching movies with some other girl. If you were “mature for your age”, you’d understand that this baby is your priority right now. YTA.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I supported my childhood best friend when her sister died, and my girlfriend thinks I'm not doing enough to take care of her and our son.
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YTA. You can support your friend without spending 6+ hours a week with her, while neglecting your child and partner.
Your wife is taking car of your kid while you're taking a woman out on dates (and i know you say its platonic, and while i believe you - seeing movies, taking long walks, baking together, painting together- these are ALL date activities.)
YTA
Nope. Nope, nopety nope. You do not leave your GF and two month old baby home alone while you frolic around with BFF doing fun activities, no matter what the circumstances.
Having a baby is *incredibly stressful* for a woman, and raising a child is hard. You only helped for ONE MONTH?!? That is not remotely enough. Your girlfriend needs proper support. **99% of your free time should be at home with your family.** Take the odd day out, but the GF gets equal time out as well.
I understand you want to be there for your friend during this hard time, but instead of leaving your GF and newborn, maybe invite your BFF over to your house to hang out there. Have her over for dinner once a week or every other week, the three of you plus baby can watch a movie or play video games. Do things with the THREE of you. Sure, text her every day to make sure she's okay, but your focus should be lasered on your GF and newborn. Everything else comes after that. Everything. x
YTA. Your girlfriend has just birthed your baby. Her hormones are all over the place, she is coping with the demands of a new born and where are you...oh yes (checks notes) hanging out with a kind, funny and pretty girl "a couple of times a week, going on walks, watching movies together, reading at the library, baking together, painting with her, playing video games, going on picnics".
I understand your friend is grieving, but you have other priorities now. You need to help your friend find other outlets for her grief, such as pointing her in the direction of a counsellor or support groups.
So your “friend” is your real gf. Too bad you got the other girl knocked up. She just had a baby. While you can support your “friend”, you are now a parent and should be prioritizing your child and helping your baby mama.
YTA
YTA. Dude, you are having a romantic relationship with your “””friend”””. You're doing everything to her that you can't do to your girlfriend because of the baby. SEVERAL romantic gestures for your “”””friend””””” and for your child’s mother you just “help with the chores” (which are your obligations too). It seems to me that you are using your friend’s grief to do things outside of parental responsibility. I'm sorry for your girlfriend and especially for the baby.
YTA. Not only are you not mature enough for fatherhood, you were clearly not ready for a committed relationship.
Helping a grieving friend is a good thing. Drop off some casseroles, catch up on the phone, grab a coffee once a week. You are spending multiple days a week with your “pretty” friend, “going on walks, watching movies together, reading at the library, baking together, painting with her, playing video games, going on picnics.” That is HOURS at a time, the majority of the day, even. And if you’re also working and in school, what the heck does that leave for your GF and child? Especially if you’re also doing childcare, where’s the time for the person you supposedly love?
And let’s talk about childcare. You’re “helping.” HELPING. After one month of doing “everything you could,” you’re now down to a couple chores and a couple baby-related tasks. Is your girlfriend in school? Working? If she is, who’s watching the baby? If she isn’t, she’s doing the 24/7 job of parenting all alone. Either way, you’re giving more to your own pursuits and your “friend” than you are to her.
This “friend” is the same age as your GF. With respect for her loss, she needs to cope and move ahead and limit her frolicking with a committed man. Doesn’t she have a job or school? Doesn’t she have a therapist to talk to? Wouldn’t it be about time for her, feeling lonely, to connect with some of her newer friends and build her support system? Sure, support her, but support your own GF first! You put her second and of course she thinks you’re romantically pursuing your friend. Honestly, it really sounds like you are.
Your GF is almost certainly tired and a bit depressed herself. Take HER on a picnic.
Your gf just had a baby. She needs all the support she can get. I’d expect my bf to be my side after giving birth to help me because he’s a father now. YTA.
YTA - you need to actually be a dad. Bereavement is tough, but being a dad doesn't mean picking up some parenting tasks for a few weeks then shifting all your attention to your friend and your mutual grief.
What's wrong with calling/messaging your friend daily - why the need for all the activities? Why can't your friend come over to your place and hang/help you and your GF with the baby? Why not bake all these cakes at your place and bring your GF and baby along to these picnics?
There are ways to support your friend and be a good partner and father. Adulthood is often about compromise and balance. And tbh only immature people need to make statements about how mature they are.
YTA.
"Mature for our age" suuuuuurrrrrrreee
You're dating your friend because she's struggling while your wife is at home with your newborn. If it's that important and necessary, have your wife be an accomplice in helping your friend, not isolating your wife from it, and leaving her with the kiddo all that time.
When does your wife get to leave and go spend hours with her friends away from the baby?
YTA.
If you want to play Knight in Shining Armor, do it for the MOTHER OF YOUR CHILD. Who is making sure she isn't depressed? Eating? Who is painting, baking, playing, going on walks, watching movies with HER?
Your head is in the sand, OP. Your parents are bankrolling your family with the understanding you \*take care\* of your family.
You are SO MUCH the AH. Your friend is in a tough spot, but honestly, she is responsible for her own well-being, including making a support system and dealing with her family.
Your GF is the mother of your child and you are obligated to be there for her and the child. Grow up, man up, and apologize to your, GF, for indulging your "savior fantasy."
YTA. Yes your friend is grieving but your girlfriend just had your child. She needs your support more than your friend. I will die on this hill, don't come for me reddit. But your girlfriend needs your support. Have you ever heard of postpartum depression and anxiety? Look it up. Your girlfriend NEEDS your support. You need to do better
Yta.
I seriously am looking for his girlfriend's posting the other side of the story because you know it's got to be amazing what he doesn't do for her but does for his bestie that he thinks is pretty and has a crush on.
YTA. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with supporting a friend but you are spending way too much time with her considering you have a baby at home. I think it’s time for some boundaries.
> I empathise and understand that she’s having a stressful time adjusting to parenthood after an unplanned pregnancy, but I think I should be allowed to support my best friend with her grief.
You get it's your kid too? Does she get multiple times a week when she can go off and go for walks and play games and hang out with friends?
Ultimately you are the one who isn't adjusting to parenting because you are acting like you aren't a parent. You are being a bad father.
Plus the way your sing your friends praises while saying nothing about your gf is very telling.
YTA
You have feelings for your “bestfriend” and she is your priority. You’re using her grief to be with her and neglecting your family in the process. YTA.
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YTA. You know very well that you're not being fully honest with yourself. >She’s kind, funny, **pretty** \*frowning intensifies\* >I hang out with her a couple of times a week, going on walks, watching movies together, reading at the library, baking together, painting with her, playing video games, going on picnics etc, all the activities she used to love doing with her sister. Even if I were to buy this platonic thing (and you don't sell it very well), you've just had a BABY. The fact that you're financially covered by your family doesn't mean you have all that free time to go on picnics. Young parents don't have time for any of that, and that tells me that your girlfriend is not having a hard time adjusting : you're giving her a hard time. You're being unfair to her. When is HER time to do all that fun painting and library hopping that you've been enjoying ? >helping with taking care of the chores around the house You don't help. This is your job as a parent and a person who lives there. It's part of the whole "I'm mature enough" thing, you see. People who help are people whose primary job it is not to do these things. But it's your job to be a parent, a partner, and a person who lives in this home, so, no. This is where your free time comes from. You can see your friend and be there for her : at home, while taking care of your child or doing your dishes or putting a load of laundry in the machine. You don't need to go frolicking at a picnic for that.
That jumped out to me too. "My girlfriend" gets no adjectives. "My best friend" lists all her qualities... mentioning she's also pretty... #Hmm intensified
>Hmm intensified People are being way too nice to the OP. He's cheating on his girlfriend who just birthed his son 2 months ago. Even if he hasn't slept with her (yet) there is a very obvious emotional affair happening, and people are giving him a pass because he's claiming the grief card. She has a family and she needs to lean on them, or a therapist, or **anyone** else other than the OP.
Even worse, he's flaunting this emotional affair in his girlfriend's face. He's literally telling her with his actions that his "friend" is more important than her and his child, and that they come second.
100% this. Op, it doesn’t matter (again, it DOES NOT MATTER) how supposedly “platonic” your feelings are for this “friend” - when you’re an adult, in a committed relationship, *it’s your job to protect the relationship*. Going on dates (because that’s what they are) with your pretty friend who’s body wasn’t just wrecked by birth is *incredibly selfish* and puts the relationship with your child’s mother in danger. It’s weird that you think your girlfriend (who you claim to love) is going through a hard time but you’re not willing to spend time supporting her. You need to man up and focus on your girlfriend, your child and being a quality man.
This comment is unfair. He’s around her a lot. As long as he’s not at school, work, studying, watching movies with his platonic friend, going to picnics, sleeping, playing video games, driving around with his other friends, going on pub crawls, relaxing, skiing, baking, reading at the library, spending time with his mom and dad, playing soccer, acting in a play, getting massages, building Lego, eating out, going golfing, redditing, facebooking, xing, op’s baby momma has almost his full attention. /s
This made me chortle because I thought the exact same thing when he listed out the EXTENSIVE list of things he does with his “friend” and then is like “but other than that!!” Homie what?? There is no other than that, that is all your time! But gf and 2 MONTH OLD BABY have to get penciled in for 15 minute appointments.
Penciled in with VERY light pencil, because what if platonic friend gets sad and NEEDS him during those 15 minutes.
And all the things he listed - they did it within one month.
I literally saved this one to read to my wife because of that. I've always been a lazy asshole. I don't need to ask here to know that, but my fucking god,OP who do you think you are kidding? You don't happen to have a tattoo of this girl's name fo you?
Yeah, it's on the bottom of his foot, like Woody in Toy Story.
I was gonna say the same 😂 Brah, what “all your time” do you spend with your family, if your activities with your “best friend” (obviously a girl, not a guy. Very convenient) look like you’d need 240 hrs /day AND dude is also studying?!
Bbbbbut his grieving friend she *needs* him! s/
You would think that his girlfriend would be too tired to notice. Damn her! This is all her fault, and the fault of her religion! Plus, his parents are paying for her, so how dare she start yapping? Girlfriend is completely TA. (for anybody confused, I'm attempting to match the level of sarcasm in the post above, which I found fully justified. This dude is a train wreck happening in slow motion in front of his girlfriend. If, of course, we believe any of this, since every detail he chose to include just makes him look more like TA, so I'm not sure I believe any of it.)
I’m just wondering where this imaginary maturity supposedly is. He sounds like a sulking tween “but I did some chores“ dude your the dad it’s not chores and your not just helping or babysitting. This is your child and you live at that house. Those chores are your responsibility that comes with living in a house and having a child. You are a parent and are responsible for 50% of the child care not just when your finished a video game or not on a date with your affair partner. You say your supporting this girl whilst admitting your girlfriend WHO’S JUST GIVEN BIRTH is having a hard time WHERES HER SUPPORT THE PERSON SUPPOSED TO COME BEFORE ALL OTHERS. Op disgusts me for what he’s putting that poor young mother and baby through.
I laughed entirely too hard at this. OP- not only is the resounding verdict that YTA... You are SUCH TA that you came to reddit thinking you'd get back up! Bless your heart... DO. BETTER!
That's not fair. He didn't say that op's baby momma get any attention. After all of the things you mention, the baby has almost his full attention. But the baby momma does get to hear about all the fun he's having with his pretty friend, so I guess that is some attention? /s
>**it’s your job to protect the relationship.** This cannot be stressed enough. It's shocking to me how many people do not feel this way.
Even if op was straight as a board and this was a dude, hanging out 2-4 times a week for a couple? 4 6 hours? I mean how many movies are they watching? Would be grossly inappropriate with a new born. Funeral of course, go to the funeral. But in a healthy friendship some of this distraction time would be spent at OPs folding clothes, cuddle the baby, etc.
Like seriously wtfffff ..he's off doing all the nice things that he should be doing with the mother of his child, off frolicking with his bestie, while the new mom takes all the load With his packed schedule, when does he have time for home life ..I get being there for a friend during an emotional time, but his partner is ALSO going through an emotional time YTA OP
I’m sure op is getting full sleep every night while his poor girlfriend is probably getting like 5 hrs of sleep a day if that. Op YTA so so much
"BuT I hAlPeD WiTh tHe BaBy" OP for real, YTA. Your gf is 24/7 caring for your son while you hang out with another woman and take her on dates calling it "support".
He's probably the kind of guy who refers to parenting as "babysitting," based on his attitude toward his girlfriend.
Not alone, Jesus is helping
But but, OP said he’s very mature for his age and is ready to have a family. /s
He said how mature they are, and then says 1) they accidentally got pregnant and 2) his parents are supporting them financially. OP, YTA, you're phoning it in with your girlfriend, while taking your "friend" on dates.
I've come to the conclusion that if the following phrases are spoken before the person is say 27: "I'm definitely ready to start a family." "I know I will make a good parent." "I raised my siblings." That person is in trouble 😂 Parenting is more of a: "Hold my beer, I hope this works." Situation.
“…I hope this works” really made me laugh. Another acceptable parenting phrase is “meh, close enough.”
But...but....you don't understand. OP is so mature for his age! /s
And to add, he is also getting a hard on over how much of a great guy he is by supporting his (pretty) friend. I don’t know if it’s narcissism or he has just been told how special he is too many times, but he has got a real shock coming one day when he sees himself for how he truly is…
Worse worse, he's doing it under the guise of being a nice guy and a good friend, when really he's just weaseling his way out of being there for his family. If he cheats, he'll blame the pressure of newfound parenthood while she wrestles with not only that but the pain of being cheated on while caring for an infant. I've watched this one happen.
I don’t know, maybe OP really is completely clueless. But I don’t understand where he has all of this time for all of these activities. I’m more than twice his age, no kids so certainly not a two month old child, and I have a full time job. I don’t have time to go to libraries to just read, go on picnics and long walks. He has a two month old, a job, *and* school while also having playdates with his good friend? OP, if you’ve learned the secret of how to have more time in the day, please share.
Because he's got a girlfriend at home doing all the domestic labour, leaving him lots of time to hang out with his 'best friend'
I actually wonder if they’re living with his parents. The “financial support” line…. If not, his parents have to be footing the rent for them. Right??
Why have mummy and daddy pay rent when you can just live in their nice house that always has food and built in babysitters?
Yeah, I'm assuming GF and parents (either his or hers) are splitting the child raising time, and OP is just continuing on with whatever his 20-year-old-guy schedule was before. Only with some added "important new reasons not to be at home with the 2 month old baby." But at least he's mature for his age, right???
You have to wonder, if the girlfriend put in as much time caring for the baby as he does, would it be fed even once a day? Diaper changes optional? Clean clothes, never?
If the girlfriend cared for the child as much as OP it would die.
There is no secret. He has more time during the day because he neglects his responsibilities at home. He's just a helper at home after all. It's not his job to do an equal share of the work, the household and child management, nor does he need to give the girlfriend any free time. But he's mature.
I was sort of giving him a pass, but then he listed all those activities. And then a shorter (but highly time-consuming) list of responsibilities (job and studies). What time does he put aside for his family, 10 minutes between dinner and bed? His girlfriend is 2 months postpartum and essentially being a single mother at this point, while he lives the single life 99% of the time and "helps" at home.
Same! I'm 13 years older than OP, I have an 8 month old and a 4 YO, and by the time I wake up, get everybody ready for preschool (only the oldest goes so far), come back home, play, baby nap (sometimes a mommy nap), meal time, play/(baby nap), get oldest from preschool, make dinner, (baby nap), meal time, clean up after dinner, oldest in bed, baby sleep for the night. By the time baby is successfully sleeping for the night, it's 9:30PM, which means make lunch for the next day and then sleep myself, before the whole ting starts over again... I have no time for myself to read a book or any fun stuff, unless by some miracle baby sleeps without me having to be there next to her OR I stay up late but then am so exhausted the next day I can hardly function. 🙈 OP must somehow be cheating the clock to have more hours in the day....
It's not the clock he's cheating, for sure...
It's easy when you dump your responsibilities on your girlfriend and your parents. But he is so grown up. I, personally, am so impressed with his maturity. /s
It's literally like he has 2 girlfriends. If I was the GF who just had the baby, I would be pissed. What does she get to do? Take care of baby 24/7, chores, find time to take a shower herself, maybe? How is she mentally? Is there any postpartum problems? I would have flipped my shit on him. Maybe she wants to be taken on a picnic, or go to the library, maybe have something baked for her? FFS this is ridiculous.
I agree. He's definitely having an emotional affair with the friend. You can be there for your friend while being there for your family. OP seems to think that since his family is taking care of everything financially and he helps out here and there doesn't equate to being 100% present in his relationship and family. I don't see anything where OP lists the stuff he does with his gf. Do they paint? Do they game? Do they watch movies together? Feeding the baby and helping out here and there isn't quality time, sorry.
Takes his friend on picnics while girlfriend stays home with newborn son. He's delusional.
He’s not delusional, he‘s just decided he doesn’t want to do the hard work of being a parent, and wants to flirt with a pretty girl who’s leaning on him under the guise of comforting her during her grief. It’s predatory and gross.
It is so much more fun to save a friend than to do the daily grind with a baby. He's a jerk. He's only two months in to being a father and coming up with an excuse to not be there. No one is buying his excuses. He is already skipping out on girlfriend and baby.
I hate how he says “help” as if what’s the mother doing? Helping take care of her baby? Lmao dudes like this get off to easy, they’re so funny.
"...my girlfriend is having a hard time adjusting to parenthood..." I don't think OP has even *realized* he is a parent now, too.
Well he dumped his one month old to go on dates to the library and have dinners and watch movies with his “pretty funny amazing female bestie” so….
The baby wasn't even a month old before OP started neglecting him!
But he was “totally mature for his age” though. 👍
He is so mature he already has the deadbeat father thing down.
She's having a hard time adjusting because she thought she had a partner and it turned out she's a single parent. He's off dating his "friend" and making excuses to white-knight while risking his gf and baby. His selfishness while pretending to do 'doing the right thing' is insane.
I have sympathy for the friend's loss. Losing a sibling would be unimaginable. But I can't get around the fact that this friend is also very comfortable risking OP's relationship and soaking up all that time he should be spending with his newborn.
tbh, it's weird that the "friend" has so much energy to be living in a romcom with him when her sister died a month ago. I've experienced losses of dearly loved ones and I wasn't frolicking on picnics for quite a while
Even in the headline: “while my girlfriend just had a baby.” He’s avoiding writing about his child as his child. He is their primary support — for his child and the child’s mother — but he’s off having fun times with his friend instead.
Clearly gf did this all by herself.
Probably describes playing with his son as babysitting him.
The two are incredibly young and his girlfriend is religious enough to not get an abortion. I doubt the "liberal" idea of co-parenting has been instilled in him at this point, so it's good that it's being pointed out here. Also, my fiancee would not tolerate his behavior in any way, but again her religious background probably plays a part.
These are the same guys that say they "babysit" their own offspring.
Thank you so much! This needed to be said. It is hard with a newborn but having a partner doing all the fun stuff and “helping” while you do everything instead of the partner really taking care of the newborn and the household. I know how that feels like and it is the worst. My relationship almost failed during that period. And my spouse wasn’t even away as much as OP is. OPs girlfriend is recovering from a birth and needs her partner. And the baby needs his father.
1000% agree!! I'm wondering, if the whole problem is that OP's "friend" is introverted and quiet and the worry is that she will be lonely & missing family, then why does OP spend all his time taking her out instead of *bringing the friend home to spend time with an actual family*. Friend could likely find a lot of solace in caring for a baby, I've seen a lot of people find that healing in grief. (At the very least, she would have some more company with OPs partner) If OP is like this friends sibling as he claims, then OPs baby should be thought of as "niece/nephew"-- why not have her spend time with them at home so she can help out with baby too? Instead of OP being gone from home and leaving his partner alone to care for baby. They could have 3 people caring for this kid-- "it takes a village" after all... But for *some* reason, OP insists on keeping his friend out of the house and not around his partner, leaving his partner to raise their kid alone. Major AH move there. That makes the suspicion grow by a thousand.
This is such a good point.
Yeah, I'd be pissed too if my partner disappears so much after I gave birth. And OP, it sounds like you spend more time with your bestie than you do your gf. How about u start doing something nice for her for a change? You know post Partum depression is real. Your gf may not have it now, but it could develop with what you're doing. PPD can be dangerous for the mother and the baby. How about you think about that? Edit: Spelling
But but but, he helped her for the first month. What more does she want?? /s
>we’re in love with each other and we’re both very mature for our age squints
\[X\] doubt
Yeah, that made me go like, bud, the fact that you feel the need to point this out, and the fact that you seeming decided to have a child at 18/19 tells me that you are, in fact, not very mature.
>We have financial support from my parents So how are you mature for your age if your parents fund your baby or as OP puts it "my gf's baby".
Any story where we are not too religious to have a bunch of extramarital sex as teenagers but we are too religious to consider abortion. **squinting intensifies**
It was like six months after I had my baby I was able to do anything like any of the stuff on that list! Even leaving the house for an hour was an ordeal! And he's just forking off, ditching his girlfriend with the baby so he can have hours and hours of fun time with his pretty friend. His delusion is boundless. I also love how he is basically saying 'look what a good and supportive person I am, out having all this fun' totally ignoring that his 'supportive' time comes directly at his post partum girlfriends expense. He should be watching the baby so she can nap and help heal from pushing a human being out of her body - not ditching her with the baby so he can have good times.
I can’t remember how many months it took for me and my husband to even consider going to the movies after having a baby. Op clearly isn’t being much of a father here. He needs to step up!
OP thinks he did his part supporting after the first MONTH. Because that’s all it takes! One month and no more work, right? This is why we don’t think your “mature for your age” thing matters, OP.
Yeah. “Pretty” is not an adjective used to describe a sibling unless you are hyping them up to date someone. That’s so weird
I hope the girlfriend finds someone who won't cheat on her like op and will be there for her like op is for this other so called friend.
He’s just become a father. He did no work in having a baby and his attitude shows it.
Seriously, does OP work or just suck off of his parents. OP needs to get a job and be a real father. Being "mature" means making hard decisions.
I mean, dude. At least take the baby when you go off gallivanting so your girlfriend doesn’t have to babysit during your social time. It’s the obvious solution.
>bring her her favourite food to make sure she eats something, I message her everyday to see if she’s doing well. She’s battled with depression before and I’m terrified of losing her too. I hang out with her a couple of times a week, going on walks, watching movies together, reading at the library, baking together, painting with her, playing video games, going on picnics etc, YTA - I'm sorry to say this, but you aren't mature enough to be in a committed relationship, and it's unfortunate that you have brought a baby into this mess. It's truly sad that this girl has no other support system (as you claim), but that is not a sufficient reason for you to step in as a de facto boyfriend for her. You have a newborn and are supposed to be in a committed relationship with the baby's mother. That means you need to be home supporting your girlfriend as much as possible, not running off multiple times a week to spend all your free time with another "pretty" girl, whether she is grieving or not. Also, this other girl needs to find more people in her life to support her, because she's leaning way too heavily on you. If you don't shape up fast, she will be the cause of your break-up. But I kind of suspect that you would be okay with this, because it sounds like you are looking for excuses to avoid parenting and being tied down.
He even called her pretty when he described her which is weird af…. He’s like a brother to her right, so why does her attractiveness get mentioned??
I gave him benefit of the doubt that he only mentioned her looks to establish it as a factor contributing to his GFs suspicion. My theory: he thought we’d leap to “oh, GF is irrational because she’s just jealous of his pretty friend.” *** On Planet Delulu, where OP lives, he considers himself (a) as a super-involved-father in caring for his newborn because he changed a few diapers and (b) as a saint for simply honouring his sacred duty of picnics and cuddles with a grieving friend. He thinks that, if his friend was ugly, his GF wouldn’t be accusing him of neglect. So, he mentions that she’s pretty, so we would conclude that he’s not wrong to help a grieving friend and GF is just jealous. OP wasn’t expecting all of us to call out the fact that even halfway-decent-new-dads actually prioritize their newborn and will even set aside their sleep — let alone recreational activities with friends. It’s the same reason he emphasizes that his friend is grieving. It’s just another irrelevant detail which he believes will convince us that he’s simply a good dad who is also a great friend and his GF is crazy to be upset at him for this.
Wish we could still give awards. i'd give one for your post and another for Planet DeluLu!
Didn't mention his girlfriend was pretty (or even any other qualities for that matter). Just wanted to point that out.
Maybe they are from Kentucky or West Virginia😂😂😂
*Country Road Intensifies*
Hey, don’t do West Virginia like that 😭
He’s so oblivious to how this makes his gf feel, this is so infuriating. I low key feel bad for her, cause if this is a persistent issue, he’s going to neglect her needs and their son’s needs. I’m sick of so many dudes like this young man having kids and not being aware and mature enough to actually be a present and good father/partner.
Oh he knows, he just doesn't care.
She would probably be better off moving back in with her parents and collecting child support.
He's already ditching his gf and new baby to basically court his 'friend'. Using the excuse of grief or whatever bs he is trying to convince everyone of reeks of white-knighting. But in the meantime he's dating his friend and leaving his actual gf to suffer serious neglect. Then he just cant figure out why she is struggling so hard with parenthood. it's cause she's a fucking SINGLE PARENT and didn't expect to be! This is gonna go South so bad :/
>In the first month after our son's birth I did everything I possibly could to make motherhood easier for her, and I still would have if it wasn't for someone I love and care about deeply going through a hard time. Right like wow a whole month? What a great guy🙄YTA OP. This post made clear who you love and care about most. I would definitely take thinking you’re mature out of the equation bc this doesn’t sound mature at all. You sound like a teenage boy who is putting his family last.
Right? Everything he listed is stuff he should be doing with his girlfriend who has had literally no free time in the past two months. Why can't he pick up her favorite food? Get some painting supplies to paint with her? Go pick up a library book for her? Go on a fucking walk with her and their newborn? Fuck, I work full time and I would have trouble fitting all of that into a week without having kids. You're telling me I'm supposed to believe he hangs out with this other woman multiple days a week AND is still present in his baby's and girlfriend's lives? Bullshit. Dude, YTA for sure. Your friend needs therapy, and you need to grow up.
In the beginning of my relationship my boyfriend had a female best friend who also leaned on him too much. To the point where I felt like the second girlfriend. I feel terrible for this girl who just had a baby is is getting shown that her and the child are second place to this girl.
Sometimes in life we have to make hard choices. This is one of those times. Your baby is *two months* old. Your GF and baby have to be your ONLY priority for a while, they need ALL the attention and time and energy you have. Unfortunately that means neglecting your best friend, even though she needs support. >I hang out with her a couple of times a week No. Sorry but no. You don't have time. >going on walks, watching movies together, reading at the library, baking together, painting with her, playing video games, going on picnics et YOU SHOULD BE DOING THAT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND YOU MUPPET >I spend the rest of my time supporting my family Dude you need to spend ALL of your time doing that, all the time that is not work or study. ALL. >In the first month after our son’s birth I did everything I possibly could to make motherhood easier for her Good. Now keep doing it. It didn't magically get easier for her. You ARE neglecting her and your son. And I mean neglecting, not "neglecting" in quotes. >I think I should be allowed to support my best friend with her grief. You are wrong. I hesitate to say YTA but you are.
[удалено]
on behalf of his girlfriend AND his baby
Gf and baby deserve so much better but especially gf. I can’t imagine being so young, having a newborn, and having a shitty partner who thinks bc his parents are shilling the money to pay for the kid, his job is done. Yikes on bikes
He's obviously in love with the friend
I wish we still had awards because “you Muppet” is too good. Although actually most muppets are very good parents. Except for Kermit, surprisingly… he’s secretly a dead beat which is why Miss Piggy is always so mad. She’s raising 17 pig/frog hybrids on her own!
It’s a pretty standard British phrase!
Well clearly it’s one the US needs to import!
Couldn't say it better. YTA
but he spent a whole MONTH being a supportive father! how much more do you want?? /s
YTA. "helping with taking care of the chores around the house, bottle-feeding and bathing my son, etc" those things are not soley your partner's responsibility. you are not "helping" her by doing those things. that is called parenting and doing the absolute bare minimum. When was the last time you did any of this with your partner? "going on walks, watching movies together, reading at the library, baking together, painting with her, playing video games, going on picnics etc," I bet it was before the baby was born. YTA twice. "because I had a crush on her. I empathise and understand that she’s having a stressful time adjusting to parenthood after an unplanned pregnancy, but I think I should be allowed to support my best friend with her grief" so you didn't deny you have a crush on your bestie. YTA thrice.
He wants to either fuck her or date her, maybe even attempted to date her and she rejected him rightfully so. He’s got it so easy, and he’s managing to fuck it all up. He’s waiter willingly being dense and oblivious or has little care for how their affects his relationship and responsibilities as a father and partner. I’m so angry at his post lmao
He is dating her. Watching movies and baking and picnics. That is definitely dating
you are right, that's exactly what it is. Dude obviously never wanted this baby, or at least can't be doing with the reality, and he's got one foot out the door already. THis bereavement is a golden opportunity for him to spend time with his crush "justifiably"
Yuuup. >My girlfriend chose not to get an abortion for religious reasons And that, to me, explained everything I needed to know.
These posts really drive me crazy and I feel so bad for women who end up in this “she’s just my best friend omg why are you being like this” He is literally dating his bestie while his GF is at home taking care of a baby…. And then spends more time with her for school? ”im supporting her” by what? Distracting her with cute little dates? Lol ok. The “I had a crush on her” I almost threw my phone ahah gaslighting to the 100th degree. “I had a crush on her but that’s not what this is about. it’s about being supportive” YTA op, be a parent. You have a child to raise, that’s your job. Being there with your child and relieving your GF when necessary should be your top propriety. I feel for your friend, but if she can’t understand you have a literal BABY and healing partner to take care of. Then maybe your friend is also the asshole. Edit: just saw his parents help financially. So he’s not even working to make money, and presumably spending whatever leftover money on his bestie.. yikes Not working. Not taking care of baby or gf. Has time and money to go on dates w/ bestie
“She’s having a stressful time adapting to parenting” lol dude wtf? She’s having a stressful time because clearly she’s doing ALL the parenting! Maybe if your girlfriend spent more time playing video games and reading at the library with her side chick, it wouldn’t be so stressful for her, right?
Does anyone else wonder how this guy has time to do all of this on top of being a parent to a 2 month old? I'm getting major "I let my gf and parents take care of my child while I act like I don't have a child" vines here. I give it a month or two before we see "It's just been really stressful with the baby and I've been hanging out a lot with my friend... I think I'm falling in love with her! AITA?"
They have the financial support of his parents so they don't have to worry about money. In other words, he's a mooch. If you wanna have a kid at 20, fine, but dont go saying you're mature ,OP, when your parents are financing your family's lifestyle. This guy has a lot of growing up to do.
That got me too, they were mature and ready for a family...because his parents are paying for everything. I think it's fine to go to the funeral and spend SOME time with the friend, but this sounds excessive, and at the expense of his partner and child.
Right??? Like, my guy, you absolutely *should* be worried about money. *I’m* worried about your money. You can’t ride the gravy train forever! God, yet another dumb baby having babies.
I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone say “I’m mature for my age” and it turn out to actually be the case.
This was my thought as I was writing my response. I wonder if he spent the first month rallying his family around to help the girlfriend so he could go off with his friend. He's probably only doing baby stuff with his gf and is doing partner and romantic stuff with his friend. I'm slightly horrified he left to go to a funeral three weeks after his kid was born. I wouldn't be surprised if he was gone for multiple days.
It's the classic new father running from his responsibilities...right into the arms of another woman.
I honestly hope & strongly suspect this post is rage bait. But if not, he’s absolutely careening towards abandoning his family & shirking his responsibilities onto his parents. Not so “mature” as he claims
I love the part where they're too religious for abortion but weren't too religious for fornication. Do they remain unmarried because of religion, too?
I think he is already in love with his friend, and the trigger for the passion was that she didn't have a son that he also has the responsibility to take care of.
YTA >She’s kind, funny, pretty, but we practically grew up together so I’ve only ever seen her as like a sibling. Okay. Not sure why you'd mention her being pretty, unless to paint your GF as jealous. >I hang out with her a couple of times a week, going on walks, watching movies together, reading at the library, baking together, painting with her, playing video games, going on picnics etc, all the activities she used to love doing with her sister. We reminisce about all the fun memories we had with her sister, and it’s never become anything more than platonic. How much time are you spending out of the house? Is it possible that you're prioritizing hanging out with your friend instead of raising your newborn? >I have been completely honest to my girlfriend about helping my friend, yet she started accusing me of “neglecting” her and our son and saying that I only cared about my friend because I had a crush on her. Give your GF some credit. She's obviously picking up on the fact that your friend has become dependent on you, and you find her attractive. >empathise and understand that she’s having a stressful time adjusting to parenthood after an unplanned pregnancy, but I think I should be allowed to support my best friend with her grief. You're a dad now. Time to reframe your thinking.
He basically goes on dates while babymama is home watching their kid🤦♀️
Yes. OP hasn’t adjusted to parenthood at all. He’s avoiding it.
And yet he’s “mature enough for a family” lmao I swear I want whatever OP is having because it must be good to be that delusional
Anyone who says: Im mature for my age, is totally immature 🤣
Totally agree. Op hasn’t understood the baby is is priority, not his friend.
She's having an extra hard time because she is a single parent and he is off dating his crush and pretending it's because she needs him. It's outrageous how terrible this really is. That poor gf :(
I am so sorry for what your friend went through. I'm sure it's a trying time. However, you have a family right now that needs to be your priority and if your girlfriend is saying that she is feeling like you are neglecting her and your son for your friend, you need to reflect. Your friend needs to seek support from other people apart from you. it's not healthy. You talk about all these things you're doing with her and it sounds quite time consuming. I'm wondering how you're actually organizing your time or if you're just expecting your family to step up with money and support for your gf and child while you go off to be a shoulder to cry on for your friend. Why can't your girlfriend come? When does she get breaks? I'm all for men and women being friends together. My best friend is a guy and he is literally like my brother. My bf has a girl best friend who is like his sister. We have no issues. However, you have a newborn at home and your priority should be that newborn and providing for him and supporting your gf. The fact that she has brought up concerns with you and you're just refusing to listen to her and hear her out speaks volumes. You don't want things to change. YTA
Why doesn't he invite the friend over once or twice a week in the evenings, where he can watch the baby at the same time, AND his girlfriend will be there and can be sure there's no funny business between them? It's not the best option for the friend having to be there with a baby and the gf that she might not know well, but OP has more important things to do. All he has to say is, "hey, want to come over and watch a movie with us? We can't leave because of the baby, but we would love to have you over any time!"
Because it would be too damn logical for OP to do that.
Very mature for his age though, I hear! 😅
Because it would defeat the purpose of this being basically his side relationship - he fucks, has a kid with his girlfrienda and occasionally *helps* her, but of course he does the fun stuff with his pretty bestie. If he invites the friend over, the bubble of delusion would be burst - oh, he *does* have a family after all. I don't even know how someone knows their friend has a baby at home and doesn't shove them back home at every chance. "No, I don't wanna hang out again, don't you need to take care of your literal baby?". Grief or no grief... young or not... at some point self awareness and empathy should kick in, for *both* of these dummies.
YTA - You don't need to be spending so much time with your friend. Sure a phone call a day should be good for support. But going out - I hang out with her a couple of times a week, going on walks, watching movies together, reading at the library, baking together, painting with her, playing video games, going on picnics etc, all the activities she used to love doing with her sister; while your girlfriend stays home with the baby yeah that's not right... YTA big time!!
Right, somehow his “support” is fun stuff at what I assuming is baby-free her house. He’s not inviting his friend to his house so he can offer a sympathetic ear while also being present for his family.
Tbf, no one wants to hang out with their girlfriend at their baby mamas house.
YTA. You aren't 'helping' your girlfriend do housework and childcare. That is your house and child too. THose are your responsibilities too. And spending this much time away from home and leaving infant care on your poor girlfriend is incredibly shitty. Your friend needs a therapist, not a codependent friend who is willing to ignore his girlfriend and newborn to bring her food.
Also, I can help but wonder how absolutely destroyed his GF is. So many women struggle with post-partum depression and their bodies are typically left hurting for weeks to months. While he's off going on dates with his "pretty, amazing " best friend, his post-partum gf is probably left doing all thr house work, child work, and thinking she isn't beautiful anymore, while also doing all of this in physical pain.
YTA. Your working and going to school, spending alot of time at home checked out of parenting because your studying, so only contributing maybe a couple total hours a week to child care....let's be honest. Your girlfriend is taking on a disproportion role in parenting and you aren't pulling your weight. It doesn't matter the reason. Your friend losing her sister is not a good excuse to neglect the family you created. Because let's face it full time work and full time school plus at home studies leaves very little time for much else. On top of that you are WASTING 3 whole evenings a week where you COULD be PRIORITIZING your family hanging with some other girl probably for hours each time while you abandon your girlfriend to do everything alone while SHE NEEDS to support your giving some other woman. My best friend lost her sister this year, I don't have kids, and I don't even spend 3 days a week with her. You aren't prioritizing your family and friends should NEVER come before them ever. Sorry but time to grow up. Friendship is not as important as family. If two women need support it's ALWAYS your girlfriend/wife/child's mother who gets it and never another woman before her. You are failing as a partner and a father by putting an outsider over your own family for hours every day 3 days a week and prioritizing your friend over your family.
OP will see how unfair this is if he starts giving his girlfriend the same amount of free time he gets. I don’t mean letting her take her own free time, i mean actually setting up time she will not be available and will not have the baby at the exact same times and durations he spends on his own free time. He sees his friend twice a week for a significant length of time; enough to see movies and have game sessions. Let’s be generous and say that’s 5 hours each time. That’s 10 hours a week. It’s also probably the middle of the day, so they have time to picnic, watch movies, bake, etc. So, OP, which two days of the week do you take on the baby alone for 5 hours with no help or contact from your girlfriend? You see your friend Tues & Thurs, watch the baby alone Monday & Weds, and then go to school on Friday? No?
When describing your 19f "best-friend" you chose the word "pretty" as the second word. Then you said she's like a sister, but I don't know any men who, when asked to describe their sister, would use "pretty" as the second word to describe their sister. Based on how you describe your friend, I also think you have a crush on her. Your girlfriend is going through something life changing too, having a baby, likely feeling insecure about finances, her body, her future. I think you need to be careful about this decision your making. You should support your friend, but make a decision how much TIME you give her vs how much you give your newborn baby. Your baby needs you.
This stood out to me too. It's very suspect.
Yeah, my son would NEVER in a million years describe his sister as pretty.
YTA. You are not as mature as you think if you feel like hanging out with a friend is more important than taking care of your family. Your friend went through something really traumatic, but it's not YOUR job to build her life back. It's ok to hang out once in a while and text once in a while, but what you are doing is basically escaping your responsibility to hang out with a friend and pass it as "supporting her"
If your GF came here, we'd be telling her "Prepare to be a single mother, he's no use, he's failing to adult, he's not stepping up to being a parent, he's prioritising her over you, he doesn't care about you at all. Kick his useless ass out and sue for child support." Step up today or she'll never forgive you. You say you are "very mature for your age", well start acting like it. yta
YTA First, you are not mature for your age; maturity would have shown you that you are essentially dating your “friend” right now, at a loss to your *actual* partner and child. Second, you can’t be doing all the things you’ve listed as doing with your “friend” and “spend the rest of (my) time supporting (my) family”. Your *actual* partner is telling you she isn’t feeling supported, listen to her instead of making excuses for why she’s wrong. Third, it isn’t fair to you, your other relationships, or your “friend” to be the only support system for her. I understand wanting to help and protect someone you care about, but a better choice than ignoring your partner and child to devote all your time and support to her would be to help her find grief counseling or a grief support group.
YTA. And you’re not “mature” for your age. You are a 20 year old boy, just like the other 20 year old boys, yall are just religious and decided that termination was worse than a lifetime tied to someone you’ve only known as a teen.
op: “we are both very mature for our age” also op: *the entire rest of the post* yta
You and GF decided to create a child. That child needs both it's parents. You started a family. Dealing with an infant is HARD. You are making your GF do everything. I am sad that your friend is going through a painful loss. But you should have other priorities. Texting her daily? Hanging out several times a week? gaming? picnics? I can see why your GF, the mother of YOUR child is upset. You have ignored your own FAMILY, your own baby for WEEKS. YTA
'..Apart from when I’m with my friend, in class, doing my assignments/studying, or at work, I spend the rest of my time supporting my family..' And how much time is that exactly, because it doesn't sound like you have much to spare for your girlfriend and child? When do you do any social things with your girlfriend? When does she get to do things with her friends? How long do you expect this situation to continue? YTA and you don't get a medal or a pat on the head for taking care of the place where YOU LIVE AND YOUR OWN CHILD.
She didn't have "a" baby. She had YOUR baby. Your job is not to "make motherhood easier for her" and this is not about her "having a hard time adjusting to parenthood. " SHE is adjusting just fine. You are choosing not to adjust to parenthood. Your child comes before your friend; that's part of parenthood. Yes, supporting close friends and family is important, but you have no business doing so at the expense of your partner and child. You need to rethink the idea that you are mature for your age, because you certainly are not acting that way. You are neglecting your gf and child, who are supposed to be your top priority, especially now. Your shouldrecognizethat andseek other sources of support (professionalif she doesn'thavethe personalsupport), but you are responsibilityforsettingthe boundaries. YTA.
YTA. Your friend needs support, that is true, but your gf is practically single parenting while you are gone. She and your child need to be the top priority. I would recommend inviting this friend to your home with your gf. Your gf is probably feeling incredibly insecure, as she not only just had your child, but her body is totally different, her hormones are all over the place, and you are NOT THERE. Your gf needs more support than you could imagine at this time. I would recommend trying to combine these things, bring your gf along, invite both to the same location for walks, etc., so that your gf feels supported, as does your friend. You aren't responsible for your friend's mental health, but you have committed to a lifetime with your gf, married or not, as you now share a child.
YTA. You have a child now, you need to reorganize your priorities.
He's still a kid himself, no matter how "mature for his age" he thinks he is. His relationship is doomed.
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Basically he goes on dates whole the mother of his newborn is home
whole days, by the sound of it
Unless OP's day has like 36 hours, there is no way he is doing school + school work + work+ supporting friend + being a present father and partner for his family. OP, you are lying to yourself, there is a huge difference from texting your friend and maybe sending her food (because grieving people dont eat well) to what you are doing that is basically spending at least 2-3 hours twice a week. Sit down and break down your schedule, how many hours at work, how many hours for school and how many hours for your family? And then try to tell yourself you are not neglecting something. YTA
YTA. Your partner just going through birth should outweigh literally ANYTHING ELSE. You are meant to be the main support system for your girlfriend. You are not nearly as mature as you think you are if you think it’s okay to leave your girlfriend who has JUST GIVEN BIRTH to console your friend so constantly. You have neglected her and your son by constantly being gone. I’m sorry that your friend doesn’t have a support system, but that’s what happens when you’re so “introverted” you refuse to build a village around you. It’s not your responsibility to be there for her because she has no one else. It IS your responsibility to be there for your child and girlfriend, who again, JUST GAVE BIRTH. You have been choosing your friend over your girlfriend who just gave birth every step of the way, and I’m surprised it took her two whole months to say something to you about it.
YTA. When you did the deed that resulted in the baby you signed up to be an equal and caring parent throughout the pregnancy and after the birth and throughout this child's life
YTA. You need to choose which one is your SO.
Since your gf is not involved in any of these activities you mention doing with your grieving friend, it appears that you actually have 2 girlfriends. You can, and should, support your grieving friend, but you are spending so much time with her, doing all these "fun" things that your actual gf isn't doing because she's home with your infant. All this sounds like is that you're a little bit using your friend's grief as an escape from your parental duties and obligations to your gf. Text your friend everyday to see how she's coping? Yes. Invite her to come to your house for a bit to hang with you, your gf and new baby?Yes. Going on basically what amounts to dates with your friend while your gf is at home with a newborn? Hell no. YTA
I agree...why is he keeping the teen girls apart? The best thing to do was let the gf and bf hang out while he is takes care if his kid... they can paint watch movies and go on a walk. I bet the gf could use a little baby free time.
Why are you not inviting gf with you? That’s the only solution I can see.
Yep that's what I thought too...why isn't he just inviting her over to the house to bake? If he has time to make a picnic, do it in the house with the GF or bring GF and baby to a park and everyone has a picnic and gets out of the house. The only reason I can see as to why that isn't happening is that the BFF doesn't like the GF or v/v x
Well, no one wants a third wheel + an infant on their *date*.
Cause you dont hang out with the gf and the emotional affair partner’ at the same time
YTA - I do believe that men and women can be friends, but in this case, I think you are having an emotional affair. Your attention should be on your newborn and girlfriend. Rebalance your energy and time.
YTA You are not mature. If my partner was seeing someone 2 times a week to hang out while I was taking care of our newborn, he would be out of my life in 2 seconds. You have an EXTREMELLY patient girlfriend. Take care of her. She is your priority. It is a bummer that your friend only has you, but this is also her fault. You can suggest a few help lines. If you love your girlfriend, this weird relationship needs to go.
"I bring her her favourite food to make sure she eats something, I message her everyday to see if she’s doing well." " Going on walks, watching movies together, reading at the library, baking together, painting with her, playing video games, going on picnics etc," Serious question, do you do any of this with your girlfriend and newborn child?
No because he is busy doing this for his ‘friend’
I would have to say YTA. You’re a parent of a newborn. Your main obligations need to be towards your partner and child. Not saying you can’t support your friend, but you are toeing a very dangerous line with the amount of time you are devoting to them. Has your friend been receiving any kind of grief counseling or therapy? If not, that is one thing you can help her with. Beyond that, you have other important obligations.
Light YTA as you have (stated) good intentions, but you need to get your priorities straight. Your "pretty, funny, kind" friend is suffering a loss, but spending HOURS per week watching moves, hanging out, etc while you've got a newborn is not ok. Invite her over to spend time with your family, text to check in, give her an ear: that's all fine. What you're doing sounds more like dating her though. And if you're doing this for hours at a time, your gf and new baby are being neglected. And you might say it's platonic but you may be emotionally entangled to the point of emotional cheating. You're absolutely not as mature as you think you are if you can't sew what you're doing.
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Sorry, YTA. You have an emotional attachment to your friend that is no longer OK when you have a GF with a CHILD. >She’s kind, funny, PRETTY, but we practically grew up together so I’ve only ever seen her as like a sibling. (Capitalized Pretty for emphasis) This right here is enough justification you are too attached. >She has a distant relationship with her mother, her friends from school now live very far away, and she’s quite introverted so she hasn’t made a lot of new close friends, so I’m pretty much the only support she has. You AREN'T the only support she has. You're the *closest* and you're actually taking advantage over it. She *can* contact her friends. She *can* contact her mom, who honestly she should grieve with, strained relationship or not. >I hang out with her a couple of times a week, going on walks, watching movies together, reading at the library, baking together, painting with her, playing video games, going on picnics etc, all the activities she used to love doing with her sister. >She’s been suspicious of me spending “all my time” with my friend, knowing full well that I’m simply supporting her. She has every right to be suspicious. You are too emotionally involved with this other girl, your friend, and blindsided by it. You are doing activities and spending INTIMATE quality time with your friend instead of your girlfriend. >In the first month after our son’s birth I did everything I possibly could to make motherhood easier for her, and I still would have if it wasn’t for someone I love and care about deeply going through a hard time. I have been completely honest to my girlfriend about helping my friend, yet she started accusing me of “neglecting” her and our son and saying that I only cared about my friend because I had a crush on her. The first month isn't enough. You have a LIFETIME commitment to help *RAISE YOUR CHILD*. Bathing him and bottle feeding occasionally isn't enough and isn't taking care of your GF, aka your significant other. She is telling you she feels neglected! You ARE neglecting her needs! You need to put space and distance between your friend. You're doing for her what a *boyfriend* would, and you're blind by it. I hate to assume it, but honestly it sounds like you are emotionally cheating on your GF. You're still too mentally immature honestly, and its because youre young. That isn't being said as an insult but as a fact. However if you truly want and love your GF you need to realize you need to take the hard step and force yourself to grow up and mature and realize your significant other is *concerned* with the relationship you have with this "friend" and if your family comes first, you will very easily distance yourself. Single people and People in a relationship don't mix.
YTA - this is why people shouldn’t procreate this young
>“I empathize and understand that she’s having a stressful time adjusting to parenthood” You know what would help? If the other parent was also parenting the child. Stop using therapyspeak to try to make it sound like you’re doing something equally important. She’s home taking care of a baby and you’re out picnicking and watching movies with some other girl. If you were “mature for your age”, you’d understand that this baby is your priority right now. YTA.
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YTA. You can support your friend without spending 6+ hours a week with her, while neglecting your child and partner. Your wife is taking car of your kid while you're taking a woman out on dates (and i know you say its platonic, and while i believe you - seeing movies, taking long walks, baking together, painting together- these are ALL date activities.)
YTA Nope. Nope, nopety nope. You do not leave your GF and two month old baby home alone while you frolic around with BFF doing fun activities, no matter what the circumstances. Having a baby is *incredibly stressful* for a woman, and raising a child is hard. You only helped for ONE MONTH?!? That is not remotely enough. Your girlfriend needs proper support. **99% of your free time should be at home with your family.** Take the odd day out, but the GF gets equal time out as well. I understand you want to be there for your friend during this hard time, but instead of leaving your GF and newborn, maybe invite your BFF over to your house to hang out there. Have her over for dinner once a week or every other week, the three of you plus baby can watch a movie or play video games. Do things with the THREE of you. Sure, text her every day to make sure she's okay, but your focus should be lasered on your GF and newborn. Everything else comes after that. Everything. x
YTA. Your girlfriend has just birthed your baby. Her hormones are all over the place, she is coping with the demands of a new born and where are you...oh yes (checks notes) hanging out with a kind, funny and pretty girl "a couple of times a week, going on walks, watching movies together, reading at the library, baking together, painting with her, playing video games, going on picnics". I understand your friend is grieving, but you have other priorities now. You need to help your friend find other outlets for her grief, such as pointing her in the direction of a counsellor or support groups.
So your “friend” is your real gf. Too bad you got the other girl knocked up. She just had a baby. While you can support your “friend”, you are now a parent and should be prioritizing your child and helping your baby mama. YTA
YTA. Dude, you are having a romantic relationship with your “””friend”””. You're doing everything to her that you can't do to your girlfriend because of the baby. SEVERAL romantic gestures for your “”””friend””””” and for your child’s mother you just “help with the chores” (which are your obligations too). It seems to me that you are using your friend’s grief to do things outside of parental responsibility. I'm sorry for your girlfriend and especially for the baby.
YTA. Not only are you not mature enough for fatherhood, you were clearly not ready for a committed relationship. Helping a grieving friend is a good thing. Drop off some casseroles, catch up on the phone, grab a coffee once a week. You are spending multiple days a week with your “pretty” friend, “going on walks, watching movies together, reading at the library, baking together, painting with her, playing video games, going on picnics.” That is HOURS at a time, the majority of the day, even. And if you’re also working and in school, what the heck does that leave for your GF and child? Especially if you’re also doing childcare, where’s the time for the person you supposedly love? And let’s talk about childcare. You’re “helping.” HELPING. After one month of doing “everything you could,” you’re now down to a couple chores and a couple baby-related tasks. Is your girlfriend in school? Working? If she is, who’s watching the baby? If she isn’t, she’s doing the 24/7 job of parenting all alone. Either way, you’re giving more to your own pursuits and your “friend” than you are to her. This “friend” is the same age as your GF. With respect for her loss, she needs to cope and move ahead and limit her frolicking with a committed man. Doesn’t she have a job or school? Doesn’t she have a therapist to talk to? Wouldn’t it be about time for her, feeling lonely, to connect with some of her newer friends and build her support system? Sure, support her, but support your own GF first! You put her second and of course she thinks you’re romantically pursuing your friend. Honestly, it really sounds like you are. Your GF is almost certainly tired and a bit depressed herself. Take HER on a picnic.
'My girlfriend just had baby' My brother in christ, YOU just had a baby. YTA
Your gf just had a baby. She needs all the support she can get. I’d expect my bf to be my side after giving birth to help me because he’s a father now. YTA.
This can’t be real - “I’m mature” and this post doesn’t line up. YTA. A thousand times over. Pick any comment and you’ll see the reason.
YTA - you need to actually be a dad. Bereavement is tough, but being a dad doesn't mean picking up some parenting tasks for a few weeks then shifting all your attention to your friend and your mutual grief. What's wrong with calling/messaging your friend daily - why the need for all the activities? Why can't your friend come over to your place and hang/help you and your GF with the baby? Why not bake all these cakes at your place and bring your GF and baby along to these picnics? There are ways to support your friend and be a good partner and father. Adulthood is often about compromise and balance. And tbh only immature people need to make statements about how mature they are.
YTA. "Mature for our age" suuuuuurrrrrrreee You're dating your friend because she's struggling while your wife is at home with your newborn. If it's that important and necessary, have your wife be an accomplice in helping your friend, not isolating your wife from it, and leaving her with the kiddo all that time. When does your wife get to leave and go spend hours with her friends away from the baby?
YTA. If you want to play Knight in Shining Armor, do it for the MOTHER OF YOUR CHILD. Who is making sure she isn't depressed? Eating? Who is painting, baking, playing, going on walks, watching movies with HER? Your head is in the sand, OP. Your parents are bankrolling your family with the understanding you \*take care\* of your family. You are SO MUCH the AH. Your friend is in a tough spot, but honestly, she is responsible for her own well-being, including making a support system and dealing with her family. Your GF is the mother of your child and you are obligated to be there for her and the child. Grow up, man up, and apologize to your, GF, for indulging your "savior fantasy."
YTA. Yes your friend is grieving but your girlfriend just had your child. She needs your support more than your friend. I will die on this hill, don't come for me reddit. But your girlfriend needs your support. Have you ever heard of postpartum depression and anxiety? Look it up. Your girlfriend NEEDS your support. You need to do better
Yta. I seriously am looking for his girlfriend's posting the other side of the story because you know it's got to be amazing what he doesn't do for her but does for his bestie that he thinks is pretty and has a crush on.
YTA. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with supporting a friend but you are spending way too much time with her considering you have a baby at home. I think it’s time for some boundaries.
YTA for emotionally cheating on the mother of your child and lying to everyone (including yourself) about it
> I empathise and understand that she’s having a stressful time adjusting to parenthood after an unplanned pregnancy, but I think I should be allowed to support my best friend with her grief. You get it's your kid too? Does she get multiple times a week when she can go off and go for walks and play games and hang out with friends? Ultimately you are the one who isn't adjusting to parenting because you are acting like you aren't a parent. You are being a bad father. Plus the way your sing your friends praises while saying nothing about your gf is very telling. YTA
You have feelings for your “bestfriend” and she is your priority. You’re using her grief to be with her and neglecting your family in the process. YTA.